Arr, Connor Stalions, the accused scallywag behind Michigan's thievin' plot of pilferin' signs, be walkin' the plank!
2023-11-03
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The University of Michigan be spreadin' the word that Connor Stalions, the scallywag said to be the captain of their sign-stealin' misdeeds, hath walked the plank and resigned, heave ho!
In a comical and exaggerated 17th-century pirate language, it be revealed that Connor Stalions, the accused ringleader of a sign-stealing scheme at the University of Michigan, has walked the plank and resigned, matey! Arrr, earlier reports claimed he was fired, but now the truth be known. The NCAA had launched an investigation into the football program for pilfering signs, and since then, more incriminating evidence against Stalions has been discovered. Blimey! It has been uncovered that this scallywag purchased tickets to over 30 games at 11 different Big Ten schools over the past three seasons, without Michigan even playin' in any of those games, sources say. Aye, he must have been gatherin' intelligence from the other schools, the sneaky devil! And as if that be not enough, an unnamed former coach from Division III claimed that Stalions gave him a couple hundred doubloons for recordings of the Wolverines' future opponents. The coach even received free tickets and shared the footage through an iPhone photo album. What a scandal, me hearties! This former coach be admitin' to attendin' Penn State and Rutgers games, and wouldn't ye know it, Michigan is scheduled to play the Nittany Lions next month. Suspicious, ain't it? And to top it all off, Stalions was allegedly seen on the Central Michigan sideline during the game against Michigan State, wearin' a bench credential that said "VB." This be strange, for that type of credential be reserved for players, coaches, and team staff. Stalions had been suspended with pay initially, but he be refusin' to cooperate with the investigations. Walk the plank, scallywag!