November 20, 2024, 3:12 pm
Arrr, mateys! This here scroll be from The Conversation, penned by the esteemed Captain Alex Hinton, a learned soul swabbin’ the decks of Rutgers. Can we mend the rift in America’s stormy seas? After a raucous election, 80% be frettin’ like scallywags!
November 20, 2024, 1:00 pm
Arrr! The head of the sea-farin' constables be warnin' that in some parts o' Berlin, where the Arab crew be thick, ye best be keepin' yer kippahs and colors hidden, lest ye find yerself in a spot o' trouble. Best tread carefully, mateys!
November 20, 2024, 12:57 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The lass Barbara Slowik be warnin' the brave souls of the Jewish and LGBTQ crews to tread lightly in certain Arab-infested waters of Berlin! No "no-go zones," she says, but beware—there be trouble lurkin' since the dark days o’ October 7th! Yarrr!
November 20, 2024, 12:56 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Berlin's top law keeper be warnin' the Jewish and gay lads 'n lasses t' tread lightly in the Arab havens! Captain Slowik says no “no-go” zones, but if ye be sportin' a kippah or flauntin’ yer jolly colors, keep yer wits about ye, savvy?
November 20, 2024, 8:47 am
Arrr, matey! Five fresh court battles be settin' sail against Sean “Diddy” Combs, filed by the landlubber lawyer Tony Buzbee. One lass claims she was made to walk the plank o’ shame at 18, while another at 17 found herself in a tight spot at a Fourth of July shindig. Avast!
November 20, 2024, 8:46 am
Arrr matey! The Los Angeles crew be hoistin’ a flag o' sanctuary, givin’ the cold shoulder to Trump’s ship of deportation! They vowed to keep their treasure maps secret from the federal scallywags, uniting with other ports o' call ‘gainst the tide! Aye, a jolly choice indeed!
November 20, 2024, 8:00 am
Arrr, a tempest roared 'cross the northwest seas, thrashin' the land with winds fierce as a kraken's grip! Power be down, trees be toppled, and one poor soul met Davy Jones! The weather wizards be shoutin' of more rain and howlin' winds to come! Batten down the hatches, mateys!
November 20, 2024, 7:36 am
Arrr, thousands o' grumpy landlubber farmers swarmed London on Tuesday, raisin' a ruckus ‘gainst the King's tax plans on inheritin' their booty! Tractors roared like cannon fire, as lads and lasses from England, Scotland, Wales, and the North be bravin' the chill to make their voices heard at Parliament Square!
November 19, 2024, 7:17 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President-elect Trump be raisin' the sails for Dr. Oz, a fancy doc from the telly, to captain the ship of Medicare and Medicaid! Though he be bested by Fetterman in the Senate duel, he’ll now chart the course for over 160 million souls! Avast!
November 19, 2024, 7:16 pm
Arrr, mateys! The captain-elect, Trump, be settin’ sail with the TV scallywag, Dr. Oz, to steer the health ship! "The seas be stormy, but this here doc’s got the skills to hoist our sails and banish the curse of chronic ailments!" So says Trump, with a hearty laugh!
November 19, 2024, 7:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President-elect Trump be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that he’ll be settin' the good Doc Oz to steer the ship o’ Medicare! “Aye, America’s health be in peril, and who better to mend our sails than the good doctor?” said Trump, with a wink and a grin!
November 19, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr, Mayor Karen Bass be battlin’ the scallywag Trump’s plans t’ send the landlubbers packin’! She be draftin’ a decree to keep the city’s treasure safe from them federal buccaneers! But brace yerselves, mateys, for a storm o’ legal battles be brewin’ on th’ horizon! 1.8 million sea rats be watchin’!
November 19, 2024, 3:53 pm
Arrr! A scallywag hacker be plunderin' private papers ‘bout Matt Gaetz's misdeeds, savvy? Joel Leppard, the legal matey, be sayin’ he knows not the rogue's face, but the swab's pilferin' made quite the ruckus in the court's treasure chest of secrets! Avast, what a jolly mess!
November 19, 2024, 3:50 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag hacker be pillagin’ a treasure chest o’ scandalous scrolls ‘bout Trump’s matey, Gaetz! They say a lass o’ 17 be spillin’ the beans on their shenanigans! 'Tis a tale full o' mischief, with 23 exhibits in tow, pilfered by one Altam Beezley! Avast!
November 19, 2024, 3:20 pm
Avast, me hearties! The New York Times be spoutin’ tales of Elon Musk chattin’ with the Iran envoy just after the presidential squabble. Aye, some say it’s against the law! But ‘tis but whispers from shadowy figures, with nary a scrap o’ proof to back the yarn! Arrr!
November 19, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! Hoist the sails for version 10.1 of the AllSides Media Bias Chart! Just last month we be droppin’ version 10, but ye know how the winds blow with bias reviews! The Associated Press and The Guardian be shiftin’ to the Left! And we’ve new additions to the crew—Upward News joins the fray! Yarrr!
November 19, 2024, 7:16 am
Arrr, matey! For the seventh year runnin’, the landlubbers at the US Defense Department be flounderin’ in a sea o’ messy doubloons! With $3.8 trillion in treasure and $4 trillion in debts, even the auditors couldn't make heads or tails of it! But lo, they claim to be chartin' the course better!
November 19, 2024, 7:13 am
Arrr, matey! The mighty Pentagon be flounderin' like a fish outta water, failin' its treasure count for the seventh time! The DOD be hopin' to have their gold straight by the time the eleventh audit sails in. Aye, ‘tis a jolly mess of doubloons and debts!
November 19, 2024, 7:13 am
Arrr, mateys! The Pentagon be at it again, failin’ its seventh audit like a drunken sailor missin’ his mark! With a treasure chest o’ $824 billion, they still can’t count their doubloons! Yet, they swear they've found the compass to navigate their budget woes. Avast, what a merry mess!
November 19, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr! The scallywag Bannon be settin’ sail to a later trial on February 25, as a New York judge be decreein’! He be accused o’ swindlin’ gold from landlubber Trump fans, thinkin’ they be buildin’ a mighty wall. But alas, he pleads not guilty, savvy?
November 19, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, in the month of November, the year of our Lord 2024, the newly crowned captain of the ship, Trump, named the scallywag Gaetz to guard the Justice treasure! Aye, some be sayin’ he claimed he’s a fine sailor, ne’er breakin’ the code ‘bout courtin’ lasses, even if they be but teenagers! Har har!
November 19, 2024, 5:14 am
Arrr, in the court o’ Hong Kong, a band o’ brave souls be sentenced to the dank brig fer years on end, fer tryin’ to stir the pot o’ democracy! Benny Tai be swingin' in the wind fer a decade, while young Joshua gets a measly four! Avast, me hearties, what a farce!
November 19, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr, when that scallywag Rubio swaggered onto the Fox News ship days after the election, grinnin’ like a cat with cream, it was a grand week fer him! “Aye, he’ll pick fine mates,” he says, dodgin’ the tough questions like a slippery fish! Aye, good crew he’s amassed, indeed!
November 18, 2024, 3:56 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at The Associated Press and The Guardian be swabbin' their bias flags from Lean Left to full-on Left! After a hullabaloo of reviews from landlubbers and savvy sailors alike, they be chartin' these changes in the latest treasure map o’ AllSides! Avast, what a sight!
November 18, 2024, 10:29 am
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be hoistin’ Brendan Carr as the captain o' the Federal Communications ship! This scallywag be a foe o’ the Biden crew and their tech shenanigans. He be squawkin’ ‘gainst the FCC’s folly in denyin’ nearly $900 million of treasure for Musk’s starry-eyed venture, Starlink! Blimey!
November 18, 2024, 10:28 am
Arrr, matey! While doubloons can't snag ye the heart of a fair lass, true joy be pricier than a chest o’ gold! Shane Goldmacher be spillin’ the beans in the New York Times, sayin’ Biden and Harris be raisin’ a mighty $2.15 billion! Blisterin’ barnacles! What a haul!
November 18, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr, mateys! Jen Psaki, the sea dog of White House chatter, be sayin’ the Democrats be lost in the wilds like scallywags without a captain! With Biden settin’ sail in less than a moon's passin’, they be adrift, lookin’ for a leader among the waves! Haaarrr!
November 18, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, matey! In the year of our Lord, more than a hundred scallywags from foreign shores have danced the hangman’s jig in Saudi Arabia! A Yemeni knave met his fate for smuggling foul potions. Aye, ‘tis more than thrice the count o' last year’s merry executions! Avast!
November 18, 2024, 1:12 am
Arrr, mateys! The Republicans be hoistin’ the sails o’ power, claimin’ the House, the Senate, and the White House, a fine trifecta indeed! It be the first time since 2018 they’ve had the whole ship! But with a wee majority, their treasure maps o’ tax cuts may be a tad stormy! Avast!
November 17, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! Elon Musk, that scallywag o' Tesla and X, be claimin’ at Trump’s hoedown that ye could slice $2 trillion from the US treasure chest by banishin’ waste! Now, he be co-captain o’ the new Efficiency Ship, ready to set sail on the seas of savings!
November 17, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, a Trump tempest be blowin’ through the nation’s capital, mateys! The President-elect be causin’ quite the ruckus with wild nominations that’d make even a sea dog blush. And lo! He’s chosen the fiery Rep. Gaetz as his lawyer—shiver me timbers! What a rollickin’ crew we’ve got!
November 17, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, mateys! Captain Milei, the libertarian chief of Argentina, be chartin’ a course through the stormy seas of inflation! In October, it be droppin’ to a mere 2.7%, the lowest in three years! Aye, this swashbuckler promised to keep it below 3% by next year’s end! Avast, success ahoy!
November 17, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! The Onion crew be claimin’ the treasure of that scallywag Alex Jones’ media ship, InfoWars! In a twist o’ fate, they be laughin’ all the way to Davy Jones’ locker! Jones be squawkin’ on X, claimin’ his legal mates met with the U.S. trustee, and the ship be sinkin’!
November 16, 2024, 9:45 pm
Arrr, mateys! The new captain’s crew be a ragtag lot! Fer Attorney General, we’ve got Rep. Gaetz, a scallywag in hot water! Fer Defense, it’s Pete, a weekend news parrot! And fer intel, Tulsi, a lass who’s switched her colors! What a motley bunch on this ship of fools!
November 16, 2024, 9:35 pm
Arrr, matey! Former House Speaker McCarthy be spoutin’ that Trump’s pick of Gaetz fer Attorney General be as doomed as a ship with a hole in the hull! “Aye, no way the Senate crew be lettin’ that scallywag aboard!” he quipped, all while sippin' rum in Singapore!
November 16, 2024, 9:30 pm
Arrr, mateys! The buccaneer chief, Trump, be settin’ sail to name ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the captain of Health 'n Human Services! He be shoutin’ about the scallywags of food and drugs, a'plunderin’ the good folk with their tall tales! Avast, a merry voyage ahead!
November 16, 2024, 9:28 pm
Avast, me hearties! President-elect Trump be callin' upon the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to captain the Health and Human Services ship! This matey be spoutin' tall tales ‘bout vaccines. Says the landlubbers be swindled by the food and potion brigands! Arrr, what a merry crew we be!
November 15, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be selectin' North Dakota's Gov. Burgum to hoist the sails as both interior buccaneer and energy captain! This scallywag be tasked with tossin' out climate rules and fillin' our holds with oil 'n gas from the vast seas of federal lands! Aye, what a ruckus!
November 15, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, matey! President-elect Trump be settin' sail with North Dakota's own Gov. Burgum as the captain o’ the land and energy. He be chartin' a course to toss out climate rules, hoist the sails on oil, and plunder the treasures o’ the federal lands! Avast, what a merry crew!
November 15, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr! The captain-elect, Trump, be pickin' the North Dakota buccaneer, Doug Burgum, to steer the ship o' the Interior Department, tendin' to the realm's lands 'n waters. And lo! Burgum be settin' sail on a fresh crew called the “national energy council” to wrangle the wild energy seas!
November 15, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be handin’ the wheel of the Interior to North Dakota’s Gov. Burgum, the captain o' lands and waters! And he be settin’ him to steer a mighty “energy council” fer all th’ shiny sparks n’ juice flowin’ across the seas! Aye, let the rum flow!
November 15, 2024, 4:12 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-in-waitin’ Trump be callin’ forth Doug Burgum to steer the ship o’ the Department of the Interior! "He’ll be a fine captain!" says Trump at his fancy shindig in Mar-a-Lago. Keep yer eyes peeled for a grand reveal on the morrow, ye scallywags!
November 15, 2024, 4:12 pm
Arrr, mateys! Captain Trump be settin' sail to name Governor Burgum the lord o' the Interior seas! “He'll be grand!” Trump bellowed at the gala feast at his treasure trove, Mar-a-Lago. Keep yer spyglasses ready, for a grand announcement be comin' on the morrow!
November 15, 2024, 4:10 pm
Arrr, matey! With Elon Musk sailin’ alongside Trump, he be settin’ course to steer the fleet o’ electric chariots! But beware, fer the scallywags be wonderin’ if he be doin’ it fer treasure or glory! Aye, a right ruckus it be!
November 15, 2024, 4:10 pm
Arrr! With Elon Musk takin’ the helm as a top matey to President Trump, he be wieldin’ great power to steer the ship o' electric chariots! But beware, for the scallywags be watchin’ his intentions like hawks eyein' a treasure chest! Aye, the seas be full o’ scrutiny, me hearties!
November 15, 2024, 4:44 am
Ahoy matey! Behold, a scallywag's tale unfolds! Aye, we sail the briny deep, chasin' treasure and mischief. With a belly full o' rum and a parrot squawkin' nonsense, we’ll plunder the high seas and laugh like a bunch o' sea dogs! Arrr, ‘tis a life of jests and jolly!
November 14, 2024, 5:15 pm
Ahoy mateys! President-elect Trump be shoutin' from the crow's nest, claimin’ he’ll hoist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the captain o’ Health and Human Services! He says the scallywags o' the food and drug trade be deceivin’ the good folk too long! Avast, let’s set sail for truth! Arrr!
November 14, 2024, 3:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Speaker McCarthy be foretellin’ that Trump’s matey Gaetz won’t be passin’ the Senate’s muster come next year. “Aye, all know Gaetz be as welcome as a sea serpent at a tea party!” he quipped, spillin’ the beans from far-off Singapore! Aye, what a jest!
November 14, 2024, 2:51 pm
Arrr matey! Since claimin’ the captain's chair, President-elect Trump be selectin’ his trusty crew for the ship’s council. Some scallywags, like the legal buccaneer or defense matey, need Senate's nod, but others, like the border wrangler and Efficiency Admiral, sail free! Here be the crew he’s named thus far...
November 14, 2024, 12:11 pm
Arrr, me hearties! This past Thursday, Cap'n Trump charted his course, appointin' Susie Wiles as the White House's first mate! Aye, she be leadin’ a crew of 17 scallywags, includin' the likes of Elon Musk and that Ramaswamy lad. Batten down the hatches, it be a wild voyage ahead!
November 14, 2024, 9:37 am
Ahoy, mateys! Elon Musk, the captain of Tesla and the jolly crew of site X, be talkin’ of savin’ $2 trillion from the king’s coffers by tossin’ out the bilge! Now he’s been made the first mate of a new crew called Government Efficiency—let’s see if he sails those plans into port, arrr!
November 14, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, matey! Federal scallywags snatched the gizmos of Captain Shayne Coplan, the Polymarket chief, in a crack o' dawn raid on his Manhattan lair! Just a week after his crystal ball saw Trump’s grand return in 2024! The New York Post be spillin’ the beans on this merry mischief!
November 14, 2024, 8:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Erdoğan be cuttin' ties with Israel like a scallywag with a rusty cutlass over the Gaza fracas! He be shoutin' from the skies, "No more trade or parley!" But lo, the Turkish embassy be still flappin' its sails! A right jolly mess, I say!
November 14, 2024, 8:49 am
Arrr, matey! The Onion, those scallywags of satire, be claimin’ the spoils of Alex Jones’ shipwrecked empire! InfoWars be their prize! Jones be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that his lawyers be spillin’ the beans on their bankruptcy fate. Avast, what a jolly jape!
November 14, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, matey! Cap’n Biden be plunderin’ the treasury, sendin’ gold to Ukraine 'fore the ship of state sails under a new captain come January! Blinken be sayin’ every doubloon be flyin’ out the door like a seagull at a fish feast! Avast, let the treasure flow!
November 14, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr, mateys! Sen. Fetterman be callin' Trump’s pick o' Rep. Gaetz for attorney general a grand jest, fit fer Davy Jones himself! He be sayin’ some o’ Trump’s choices be fair, but Gaetz? Aye, that’s just a merry prank to set the scallywags ablaze! Har har har!
November 14, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scallywag Democrat be settin' sail to declare that ol' Trump can't hoist the sails for a third term, savvy? The law be sayin' twice is enough, but Rep. Goldman be itchin' to make it crystal clear! Avast, the 22nd Amendment be keepin' the seas calm!
November 14, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr, matey! Moscow’s botched effort to squelch inflation be pushin' the land o' vodka towards a dire fate, says a scallywag think tank! With interest rates as high as a crow’s nest, the economy be headin' for a stormy sea o’ stagflation! Hoist the sails of doom!
November 13, 2024, 3:21 pm
Arrr, matey! Bluesky be makin’ waves like a ship in a storm, drawin’ in a million scallywags since Trump hoisted his flag! Aye, they be near 15 million hearty souls aboard! This vessel’s sailin’ high in the download seas of the US and UK, savvy?
November 13, 2024, 3:17 pm
Arrr, the crew hath spoken! The grumblers may scoff at the captain's orders, yet they best respect the majority’s say-so, or by Davy Jones, what be the point of a fair ship? The scallywags voted for their own treasure, not out of love for the pirate’s way!
November 13, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, matey! While Captain Trump be busy gatherin’ his crew, the scallywags for the Press Secretary role be risin’ from the briny deep! Karoline Leavitt, his trusty parrot, and Scott "The Defender" Jennings, a landlubber from CNN, be eyeing the toughest treasure on the ship! Avast!
November 13, 2024, 3:07 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be sendin’ the gold-laden Elon Musk to chart a course for smoother seas in the U.S. government! With a treasure map to chop $2 trillion from the booty, Musk and the landlubber Ramaswamy be settin’ sail on this wild venture! Avast, let the humor fly!
November 13, 2024, 11:15 am
Avast ye! The Justice crew be sayin' a scallywag named Asif W. Rahman be spillin' the beans 'bout Israel's sneaky plans against Iran. Caught red-handed in Cambodia, he's set to face the judge in Guam, but the lot's hopin' for a swift keelhaul! Arrr!
November 13, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o’ the US spy crew be shiverin’ in their boots at the thought of Trump hoistin’ his flag again! But when news sailed in that he picked John Ratcliffe to steer the CIA ship, some ol’ sea dogs be thinkin’ it might not be all doom and gloom!
November 13, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr! The newly crowned captain o’ the U.S.S. Trump, he be choosin' ol' John Ratcliffe, a trusty matey who once sailed the seas of national intelligence, to steer the ship o’ the CIA. Aye, Ratcliffe be knowin’ all the secrets 'twixt the stars and the depths!
November 13, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, John Ratcliffe, matey, be the chosen one to steer the CIA ship under Captain Trump’s second voyage! He be among a band o' scallywags appointed to fill the crew’s ranks. From battlin’ fake collusion to sniffin’ out the FBI’s skallywaggin’, he be ready for a raucous sail!
November 13, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, mateys! How doth one cleave and carve up the federal fleet? Why, by summonin’ two swashbucklin’ tycoons! Captain Trump be callin’ on Elon the Starship Wizard and Vivek the Pill Peddler to helm the Department o’ Government Efficiency, savvy? Aye, a fine crew for a grand adventure!
November 13, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, mateys! Donald Trump be settin' sail with Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy at the helm o' a "government efficiency" ship, ready to slice through rules like a cutlass! Musk be yellin' about crushin' bureaucracy! Ramaswamy be ready to hoist the flag! Aye, let chaos reign!
November 13, 2024, 2:31 am
Arrr, matey! It be revealed that ol' Dr. Fauci, once a captain of pesky germs, be sittin' pretty with $15 million in gold doubloons for protection after hangin’ up his boots! The U.S. Marshals be guardin' him like a treasure chest till 2024, savvy?
November 13, 2024, 2:09 am
Arrr, matey! Trump’s crowning as captain o’ the ship has left some landlubbers frettin’ ‘bout Biden's course, while others be dreamin’ of a wild sailin’ change! The great question echoing ‘round the seven seas be: how much she be shiftin’ under the Jolly Roger of the Republicans? Aye!
November 12, 2024, 5:05 pm
Avast, mateys! Oakland, that raucous port o' progress, be the cradle o' the Black Panthers and a haven fer labor ruckus! Last week, a storm brews as the good folk tossed their mayor, Sheng Thao, and the dainty district attorney, Pamela Price, overboard! Aye, 'tis a mighty shake-up!
November 12, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, mateys! At a swashbucklin’ shindig in Arizona, the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be claimin’ he’d keelhaul 600 souls from the NIH on the very first mornin’ of Trump’s next reign! That landlubber’s got a bone to pick with ‘em, and he be lovin’ the thought of makin’ ‘em walk the plank!
November 12, 2024, 4:55 pm
Arrr, me hearty! That old sea dog, Captain Biden, took a swing at a landlubber reporter askin' if he could wrangle a deal for the hostage crew 'fore he sails into the sunset! “Do ye reckon I can?” he barked, like a parrot with a hangover! Har har, matey!
November 12, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr matey! The Trump crew be ponderin' a decree to form a “warrior board” o' old sea dogs, ready to toss out any brass hats found lacking in the grit fer command! If the captain gives the nod, we might see some high-flyin' officers walkin' the plank! Har har!
November 12, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr, mateys! A court swab delayed the judgment on Captain Trump’s treasure troubles, as his crew be plead’n to toss the case o’ silenced doubloons so he can sail the seas o' governance. The judge be sayin’, "Nay, we wait!" Aye, ’tis a right jolly mess!
November 12, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr, mateys! A New York sea dog of a judge be holdin’ off his decision on whether to toss the guilty verdicts against Captain Trump for his secret treasure in a week! The swabs in the district office be ponderin’ how his electoral victory be rockin' the boat! Ha!
November 12, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, matey! The wise Judge Merchan be grantin' a pause on all them scallywag deadlines ‘fore our captain Trump sets sail for the White House. Aye, this clever move keeps him from walkin' the plank for four long years! Let the trial be postponed, says he!
November 12, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, matey! Trump be sendin' a jolly warning to all ye landlubbers hopin' to join his crew: dissenters be walkin' the plank! With a flurry o' commands and midnight ramblings, he’s fillin' his ship with loyal mates. Stand tall or be cast adrift, ye scallywags!
November 12, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, matey! Senate Captain Chuck Schumer be snubbin’ the new deckhand, David McCormick! The Republicans be raisin’ a ruckus! McCormick be claimin’ victory in Pennsylvania, but ol' Bob Casey be clingin' to the mast, refusin’ to yield. Schumer’s kept McCormick from the jolly ol' orientation, savvy?
November 12, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans be hoistin’ their flag over the House o’ Representatives, snatchin’ 218 booty! With all 435 seats at stake, they be claimin’ the treasure while the Democrats be left shiverin’ in the hold. Aye, it be a merry chase indeed!
November 12, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, matey! Every time the Dems be takin' a tumble, the scallywags be askin’, “Would Bernie have claimed the booty?” After Hillary’s grand flop to that scurvy dog Trump, the rabble be shoutin' that their bold captain could’ve navigated to victory where she floundered like a fish outta water!
November 12, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, matey! It be rumored that Captain Trump be eyein’ South Dakota’s fair Governor Noem to guard the homeland. Aye, she be a prime matey for his ship o' state since twenty-nineteen. Avast, the winds o' politics be blowin’ mighty strange, I say!
November 11, 2024, 12:47 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be proclaimin' that Tom Homan, the fierce captain o' ICE, shall steer the ship o' mass deportations! He be dubbed "The Border Czar," ready to guard the realm’s shores. So hoist the sails, and let the swashbucklin' begin on Truth Social!
November 11, 2024, 12:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Donald Trump be bringin’ back that scallywag Tom Homan, the captain of family separatin’ seas! This matey once steered the ship of ICE, all while sportin’ a hardline grin. Avast, what a ruckus this be in the land o' immigration!
November 11, 2024, 8:43 am
Avast, me hearties! Last week's ruckus saw Trump, the salty sea captain, outmaneuver that landlubber Harris, takin' all seven treasure isles! Aye! He be the first scallywag in two decades to hoist the popular vote and fill his sails with over 300 electoral doubloons! What a jolly surprise! Arrr!
November 11, 2024, 7:49 am
Arrr, matey! Rumors be flyin' that Trump and Putin be chattin' like old sea dogs, but Ukraine's sayin', “Nay, we knew naught of such parley!” The Kremlin be swarmin' the tale too, claimin' it be naught but a ghostly whisper! Har har, what a merry jest!
November 11, 2024, 7:48 am
Arrr, matey! The new captain o' the U.S. ship, Trump, be chattin’ with the Czar o' Russia, Putin, warnin’ him not to stir the Ukraine pot. But the Kremlin be denyin' any parley! Rumors be flyin’ like cannonballs, as Trump vows to end the squabble swift-like!
November 10, 2024, 10:51 am
Avast, mateys! Since the winds be blowin' towards Captain Trump’s return to the helm, the lasses on TikTok and Instagram be chattin' 'bout the South Korean wenches who be sayin’ “Nay!” to marriage, babes, and the likes of scurvy sea dogs. They be riled up, I tell ye! Arrr!
November 10, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, matey! With Trump sittin’ on the throne, a band o' South Korean lasses known as the “4B Movement” be makin’ waves on TikTok! They be sayin’ “Nay!” to men, marriage, and all that rigmarole, stirrin’ up talk of women’s rights in the U.S. Ahoy, independence be their treasure!
November 10, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! The lassies be shunnin’ their beds and sportin’ bald pates, protestin’ the mighty Trump’s grand triumph o’er Kamala! Inspired by South Korea’s “4B” crew, they be chantin’ “no love, no nuptials, no wee scallywags!” Aye, TikTok be buzzin’ like a ship in a storm!
November 10, 2024, 8:24 am
Arrr, matey! Scouted be choosey with their treasures. If ye buy from our tales, a wee coin may find its way to our pockets. For a peaceful slumber or to calm yer troubled seas, Kind Oasis’ delightful hemp goodies be the perfect spoils! No smoke, just bliss, savvy?
November 9, 2024, 8:00 am
Arrr, matey! A FEMA lass be tossed overboard fer tellin' her crew to steer clear of Trump-lovin' houses after Hurricane Milton wreaked havoc in Florida. The agency be shiverin' in their boots, sayin' they be investigatin' this scallywag. No names given, but the tale be a fine chuckle!
November 9, 2024, 7:58 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag from the federal disaster crew be tellin' the lads to sail clear o' the abodes sportin' Trump flags while they be surveyin' the hurricane wreckage in Florida! They be advised to steer clear of them homes, lest they be caught in a political squall! Avast!
November 8, 2024, 8:04 pm
Arrr matey! In this raucous, restless crew o' landlubbers, we made a grand decision this week, and all hands were a'takin' it serious-like! With nary a whisper of foul play, we be settin' sail for a smooth handover o' power. Aye, it be a jolly good show!
November 8, 2024, 7:58 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that scallywags from Iran set their sights on cap’n Trump before he hoisted his flag anew! A sneaky operative swore on the Jolly Roger that a commander ordered him to drop all duties and plot to spy on the blaggard! Yarr! What a jest!
November 8, 2024, 7:58 pm
Arrr, matey! The Justice Crew be spillin’ the beans on a dastardly Iranian scheme to send a cannonball through Trump’s sails before the election! An unnamed scallywag from the Revolutionary Guard be recruitin’ ol' Farhad Shakeri to plot the captain’s demise. Avast, what a jolly jest!
November 8, 2024, 7:58 pm
Ahoy, mateys! On the high seas of Manhattan, them federal scallywags be blabberin’ ‘bout a crew of Iranians schemin’ to send Captain Trump to Davy Jones’ locker before he sails for re-election. A swab claimed he was sent by the Guards to spy, settin’ aside his other mischief! Arrr!
November 8, 2024, 2:13 pm
Arrr, matey! Colorado be on board the National Popular Vote ship, but alas, the seas be too calm—too few states be joinin’ the crew! AllSides be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest ’bout Gigafact, a fleet o’ newsrooms settin’ the record straight. Read all ’bout it in the Colorado Sun, ye scallywags!
November 8, 2024, 2:10 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers of Arizona reckon it’ll take a fortnight to tally the votes for the grand election, just like the years of yore! AllSides be shinin' a lantern on Gigafact, a fleet of news brigands takin’ on the tall tales of the web. Set yer spyglass on ACIR for the full tale!
November 8, 2024, 11:08 am
Ahoy, mateys! A Texas judge be tellin’ the Biden crew to walk the plank, tossin’ out their scheme to shield scallywags wed to U.S. lasses! The "Keepin’ Families Together" plan be sinkin’ faster than a ship with a hole! Arrr, no refuge for them runaway swabs!
November 8, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, a court be tossin’ a cannonball at Biden’s plan to grant smooth sailin’ for landlubber mates of citizen folk! This grand scheme, meant to keep the family crew together, now be sunk! No green cards without a trip to Davy Jones' locker first, savvy?
November 8, 2024, 9:58 am
Avast, me hearties! A scallywag chart from ZeroHedge be makin' the rounds, claimin' Democrats be catchin' only 66 million fish in the 2012, 2016, and 2024 seas, but snagged a bounty of 81 million in 2020! Aye, it be a trickster’s tale, fer the count be far from done!
November 8, 2024, 9:30 am
Arrr, matey! On a fine Thursday, Captain Putin raised his tankard, toastin’ to the newly crowned Trump, sayin’ he be ready to parley with the new captain of the ship! He even called Trump a brave lad after the July skirmish! Aye, what a jolly crew we be!
November 7, 2024, 11:58 pm
Arrr! President Biden be speakin’ of the Vice Admiral Kamala’s tumble at the hands of Captain Trump in the 2024 treasure hunt! He called it a “setback,” but nay, we shan’t be givin’ up the ship! Together we sail on, even if the winds be foul!
November 7, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr! The Federal Reserve be slashing their lending rates once more, savvy? Twice this year, as the treasure of inflation be shrinking. With a new captain at the helm, the US economy be takin’ a turn. Voters be ponderin' price plunder as they cast their fateful votes!
November 7, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr matey! The Federal Reserve be slashin’ the treasure rate fer the second time, savvy? But those landlubber economists be scratchin’ their heads over Trump’s schemes. After a two-day parley, they be settlin’ on 4.5% to 4.75%—the lowest it’s been since March, ye scallywags!
November 7, 2024, 5:15 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! On the seventh day of November, the savvy bilge rats o' Argentina's central bank be sayin’ inflation be a tad less fer the year—now a scallywag 120%! Even the month o' October be lookin’ better, only 3% rise, aye! Prices in November be risin’ too, like a ship in a storm! Arrr!
November 7, 2024, 3:55 pm
Arrr, matey! After a grand victory at the polls, President-elect Trump be still facing the judge's gavel in Manhattan, aye! The court be ponderin' whether to toss his troubles overboard, after ruling from the highest seas. Guilty of 34 misdeeds, that scallywag's in quite the pickle!
November 7, 2024, 3:51 pm
Arrr, matey! In the wilds o' Pennsylvania, Captain McCormick, the hedge fund buccaneer, bested Senator Casey, a scallywag from a noble bloodline! Wall Street be settin' sail into Congress, ready to parley ‘bout taxes and treasures, while the GOP crew be feelin' as spry as a fresh sea breeze!
November 7, 2024, 3:51 pm
Arrr, the scallywags o' California be ponderin' over ten scrolls o' choice! One be makin' light-fingered rogues face the noose again, while another be raisin’ the coin to the highest 'round the land! Aye, let’s peek at these grand schemes o’ consequence, mateys!
November 7, 2024, 3:47 pm
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be sailin’ the seas of fortune, takin’ a grand prize with a swift victory! Red flags be flyin’ high, as he be charm’n every crew o’ landlubbers he encounters. Aye, ‘tis a jolly good show for the scallywag!
November 7, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye hearties! After the 2024 vote, mateys be checkin’ their swipes fer political treasures! With Trump flyin’ his flag and Harris walkin’ the plank, love be as divided as a ship in a storm! Women be tossin’ would-be suitors overboard fer their voting tales, aye!
November 7, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be blowin' that Donald Trump be claimin' the captain's chair of the United States, snaggin' 295 treasure votes! He outsmarted the blue bastions of yore, like Wisconsin and Michigan! First scallywag since 2004 to win the people's favor! The seas be stormy for both crews ahead!
November 7, 2024, 11:06 am
Arrr, mateys! Our motley crew from starboard, port, and the middle deck be chattin' 'bout the 2024 election spoils. John Gable, our right-leanin’ captain, be flippin' ‘twixt Fox and CNN like a ship in a storm! Both be squawkin’ of hope, but ’twas the chuckles that made it grand!
November 7, 2024, 10:15 am
Arrr, mateys! Sen. Bernie Sanders be raisin' a ruckus, claimin' the Democratic crew be forsakin' the hard-workin' scallywags! He says, “No surprise, me hearties! When ye turn yer back on the crew, they be jumpin' ship! First the white lads, now the Latino and Black buccaneers!” Har har!
November 6, 2024, 8:14 pm
Arrr, matey! 'Tis lookin' like Captain Trump be settin’ sail fer victory in the 2024 seas, while the Republican crew be takin' over the Senate! The Democrats be clingy like barnacles in the House. States like California and New York be countin' mailin' votes till the cows come home, savvy?
November 6, 2024, 6:15 pm
Avast ye! Colorado, Idaho, Nevada, and Oregon be shunning the notion of ranked-choice voting, sendin' the treasure-laden donors to Davy Jones' locker! But lo! A glimmer of hope shines in the District, where the good folk hoisted the sails for change, lettin' the vote sail through triumphantly! Arrr!
November 6, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! As the salty sea of supporters weepin' like scurvy dogs, Kamala the brave be shoutin': "Fear not, ye landlubbers! Now ain't the time to toss yer hats in the brine! Roll up yer sleeves and let’s set sail fer brighter horizons!" Aye, let’s hoist the sails of hope!
November 6, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi be lookin’ like she lost her parrot, all teary-eyed while awaitin’ the defeated Vice Captain Kamala Harris to surrender! Spotted at Howard University, she be greetin’ the crew with a frown as if she’d swallowed a barrel o’ sour rum!
November 6, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, mateys! Vice President Kamala, with a heart full o’ fire, tipped her tricorn to President-elect Trump, sayin’, “I may yield this battle, but the quest be far from over!” And she be shoutin’, “Never heed those scallywags sayin’ naught be possible, for we’re chartin’ new waters, savvy?”
November 6, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The captain of the Tesla ship, Elon Musk, be swimmin' in doubloons after Trump hoisted the victory flag! As the stock sails high, our bold Elon, holdin' a fine 13% of the treasure, be laughin' all the way to Davy Jones' locker!
November 6, 2024, 1:58 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Hoist the sails for Version 10 of the AllSides Media Bias Chart! We've added six new treasure maps and polished the ratings of ten ol' news brigands as the 2024 election looms. Join us in this quest to cut through the fog and cast ye informed vote! Yarrr!
November 6, 2024, 8:51 am
Arrr matey! After a couple of fearsome tempests, Helene and Milton, ravaged the southeastern shores, the scallywags be squabblin’. The port-side lads be shoutin’ ‘tis climate change makin’ the storms fiercer, whilst the starboard crew be claimin’ it be naught but a fish tale! What say ye on this squall o’ debate?
November 6, 2024, 7:15 am
Arrr, matey! Trump be settin’ sail fer the White House once more, but this voyage be naught like the first! With all scallywags who dared oppose him tossed overboard, he be returnin’ with the cunning of a seasoned captain and a belly full o' grudges. Aye, stormy seas ahead!
November 6, 2024, 7:15 am
Arrr, mateys! On the morn of Wednesday, the markets be risin’ like a ship on the tide, thanks to the Republicans hoistin' their flag and Trump’s victorious plunderin’! Dow futures be lettin’ out a hearty cheer, while S&P and Nasdaq be dancin’ a jig! A swift election be makin' the gold flow!
November 6, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be hoistin' the flag of victory in the 2024 seas, bestin' lass Kamala Harris! With a hearty cheer from his crew at Palm Beach, he proclaimed, "The good ship America be grantin' us a mighty mandate!" Aye, what a comeback, four years adrift!
November 6, 2024, 4:52 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be back in the captain's chair, snatchin' the crown after bein' tossed overboard just four tides ago! With a treasure trove o' Electoral votes, he sails forth with a tongue sharper than a cutlass, stirrin' the seas of democracy and makin' foreign mates tremble!
November 5, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! Captain Musk be spreadin’ tales on Election Day, claimin’ Google be handin’ out treasure maps to Harris’ crew while lettin’ Trump’s buccaneers flounder! But lo, ‘tis naught but a scallywag’s yarn! Google be playin’ it fair, not favorin’ any swabs! Avast, the sea of misinformation be treacherous!
November 5, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Google be sayin' they’ve patched a blunder that summoned a “where to vote” treasure map when huntin’ for Vice Captain Harris and Sen. Vance! Turns out, their names be shared with U.S. counties, makin’ the search as confusin' as a parrot in a storm!
November 5, 2024, 3:12 pm
Arrr, matey! In the treacherous waters of swingin' states, third-party scallywags be lurkin' on ballots! As Trump and Harris be locked in a duel as tight as a ship's riggin', a handful o' votes for these lesser buccaneers could tip the scales! Avast, what a jolly sight!
November 5, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, mateys! For decades, lasses and lads be castin’ their votes like a ship in a storm! This year, might the fairer sex sway the ship ‘twixt Vice Captain Kamala and Old Trump? Aye, the last poll be showin’ a 16-point gap—Harris be leadin’ the wenches, while Trump’s got the scallywags!
November 5, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr, in them battleground waters o' Arizona and Michigan, lassies be queuin' up to cast their votes early! Kamala Harris be hopin' they be the swell that turns the tides for her. On a balmy mornin' at the University o' Michigan, young Keely be all a'flutter to support her captain!
November 5, 2024, 10:41 am
Ahoy, mateys! 'Tis Election Day at long last! Who'll seize the treasure of the presidency? If V.P. Kamala Harris sails to victory, 'twill be ‘cause the scallywags stayed ashore! In Georgia, lasses outvoted lads by a mighty 27%! Aye, the winds be blowin’ fierce for the fairer crew! Arrr!
November 5, 2024, 9:34 am
Arrr, mateys! A throng o' landlubbers swarmed Philadelphia’s Franklin Parkway, listenin' to Vice President Kamala Harris spin her yarn on the eve o' Election Day. 'Tis a critical time, for the fate o' the swingin' state be hangin' in the balance! Both she and Trump be scallywaggin' about all day!
November 5, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr, matey! For nigh a decade, scribes be prowlin' the fields and alehouses of the heartland, searchin' fer the reason the good folks backed that rascally Trump! ’Tis a tale o' underdogs and highborns, but knowin’ 'em be not the same as feelin' their plight. The Democrats be sinkin' while Republicans sail on!
November 5, 2024, 5:24 am
Arrr, me hearties! On the morn of Monday, a court ruler tossed aside a plea from the Philadelphia lawman to halt a treasure chest o’ a million doubloons daily from Elon Musk's crew, claimin’ it be nothin’ but a scallywag's trickery and an unlawful game o’ chance!
November 5, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr, Vice President Harris be knockin' on doors in Pennsylvania, just a day before the big election, savvy? In the fine town of Reading, she stumbled upon a clan o' three — two mateys and their grown lad. A right merry jaunt it be, I tell ye!
November 5, 2024, 5:19 am
Avast, ye scallywags! In the year o’ our Lord 2024, them border agents at the northern seas snagged a record haul, catchin’ 198,929 pesky landlubbers tryin’ to slip past! Aye, ‘tis the grandest tally in all the U.S. seas—breakin’ records like a shipwrecked sailor! Arrr!
November 4, 2024, 4:23 pm
Arrr, matey! Kamala be bound to declare the election's fate, win or lose, savvy? 'Tis her lone duty to shout the result from the crow's nest! The Constitution be makin' her the captain o’ the Senate ship, duty-bound to announce who sails as president! Avast!
November 4, 2024, 4:21 pm
Arrr, matey! As the sun sets on election night, ye be expectin’ a ruckus o’ close contests, mayhaps even a recount or two! The duel ‘twixt Captain Trump and Vice Admiral Harris be swingin' in seven treacherous ports. Hold onto yer hats, fer the numbers be as shifty as a sea serpent!
November 4, 2024, 3:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! How be the presidential scallywags fairin' in the realm of faith? The First Amendment be sayin’ no law shall tangle with religion's ropes! Yet, a survey claims 80% of landlubbers reckon faith be settin' sail! Still, religious treasures be steerin’ the ship o’ politics!
November 4, 2024, 2:58 pm
Ahoy, matey! Ye be granted passage! Tap yer trusty keyboard to sail on. Beyoncé, whales, and the like—naught be too small or grand for Captain Trump’s tall tales! Want the scoop on the 2024 treasure hunt? Sign up for yer newsletter, savvy? Aye, he be spillin' his secrets! 🏴☠️
November 4, 2024, 11:31 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Join the AllSides’ 2024 Election Guessin’ Game fer a chance t’ snag treasure! Fifty scallywags’ll be rewarded fer their savvy in guessin’ winners, swingin’ states, and Electoral booty. Predict wisely, and ye might plunder $250 in loot and a year o’ Expert AllSides membership! Arrr!
November 4, 2024, 11:28 am
Avast, me hearties! North Carolina be breakin' records like a ship in a storm—over half the scallywags be casting their votes 'fore the big day! Aye, 4.4 million votes ye say? Even the hurricane-blasted counties be joinin' the jolly crew, at 58.9%! Arrr, what a ruckus!
November 4, 2024, 9:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! The swashbucklin' Donald be startin' his mornin' in Raleigh, then sailin' to Reading and Pittsburgh, endin' the night in Grand Rapids. Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala be stirrin' up the crew in Reading and Pittsburgh, settin' course for a grand shindig in Philly! Over 75 million scallywags be castin' their votes!
November 4, 2024, 9:34 am
Arrr, matey! As the tempestuous 2024 vote be upon us, we be seein’ ol’ Trump hurlin’ false jests ‘bout Democrats plunderin’ the treasure! Meanwhile, Vice President Harris be chasin’ rainbows, warnin’ o’ Trump’s tyranny while hoistin’ the sails of hope! What a ruckus on this fine election eve!
November 3, 2024, 7:12 am
Arrr, savvy mateys! As the tides swell in 2024, the presidential scallywags be squabblin’ over foreign affairs! While most landlubbers cheer for Ukraine, some whisper of stayin' ashore. Trump and Biden both eye China like a treasure map, but who’ll steer the ship straight? Aye, the plot thickens!
November 3, 2024, 6:50 am
Arrr, matey! With a shipload o' papers choosin' not to back a captain for 2024, some scallywags be vexed! The Los Angeles Times and Washington Post be sinkin’ faster than a leaky ship, losin’ subscribers and crew alike. Even the Vice President be sayin’ it’s a right shame, blame them greedy billionaires!
November 3, 2024, 3:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word’s spreadin’ that 50 wee scallywags in Jabalya met their fate in a mighty storm of cannon fire! UNICEF be warnin’ that the lot o' ‘em be on the brink of keelin’ over from hunger and illness. Aye, it’s a right mess, savvy?
November 3, 2024, 3:11 am
Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris swung aboard the final "Saturday Night Live" shindig, side by side with her jolly doppelganger, Maya Rudolph! They be jestin’ ‘bout Trump’s garb and Biden’s blunders, while Rudolph’s Harris be wishin’ for a matey who knows the ropes! Avast, what a merry sight!
November 3, 2024, 3:10 am
Arrr, in the year o' our Lord 2014, young Fabien, a French scallywag o' 29, be gettin' a missive from his bank that left him as flabbergasted as a landlubber at sea! They be askin' fer a U.S. treasure map—eh, Social Security Number! Turns out, he be a “potential tax evader!” Blimey!
November 3, 2024, 3:10 am
Arrr, matey! An orphaned squirrel, known as Peanut, be a social media gem, but alas! The landlubber authorities snatched him away during a raid. Fred the raccoon be taken too! Now, poor Peanut be meetin' Davy Jones, all 'cause some scallywags made a complaint! Blimey!
November 2, 2024, 12:03 pm
Arrr, matey! This year’s ballot be a right jumbled treasure map with eight choices, most as useful as a parrot with no squawk! I cast me lot for the fair Kamala, though she be sailin' smooth seas in D.C. 'Tis a mighty fine farce, indeed!
November 2, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, matey! The high seas o' politics be a treasure chest, with Vice President Kamala and the former Captain Trump throwin' gold around like drunken sailors! They've plundered $2.5 billion, and the Harris crew's raked in a hefty $1.39 billion! Aye, 'tis a fine mess o' booty, indeed!
November 2, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr! The former captain Trump and First Mate Harris be hoardin’ $154 million doubloons in the fiercest waters! Though Harris be fillin’ her treasure chest more, Trump be lurkin’ close, ready to snatch that booty in a few squabbles where they be tied like two scallywags at a tavern brawl!
November 2, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! It be a curious tale, for more scallywags tossed coins to Vice President Kamala than to that old sea dog, Trump. In the burbs, ye be twice as likely to fill her treasure chest! And in Georgia's waters, barely a handful o' Black buccaneers donated to the orange captain!
November 1, 2024, 7:50 pm
Arrr! The high court be laughin’ at the GOP’s plea, denyin’ ‘em the chance to stifle the good folk o’ Pennsylvania! Now, if they be messin’ up their mail-in parchments, they still get a shot at castin’ their votes! Aye, a treasure trove of ballots awaits!
November 1, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr matey! The high seas o’ justice be not favorin’ the landlubber Republicans, as the wise judges be sayin' that those scallywags in Pennsylvania can cast a backup ballot if theirs be all askew. Alito be scribblin’ a note, but no dissentin' voices be heard! Avast!
November 1, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, matey! The Supreme Court be givin' a hearty “Aye!” to countin’ those wayward ballots! A right blow to the landlubber GOP, just days before the grand election! They be howlin’ for a stay, but alas, their sails be flappin’ in the wind! Hoist the anchor, chaos be afoot!
November 1, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, on the high seas of politics, Trump be claimin' if he grabs the crown, ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be sailin' into a mighty role in the health care galleon! He’s the wisest sea dog on the matter, savvy? Though his thoughts on vaccines be as stormy as a tempest!
November 1, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, 'tis well known that Captain Trump be not fond of the lass Liz Cheney, a scallywag who dared cross swords with him! But let it be known, he ne’er be sayin' to fire cannons at her nor callin’ for her head—those tales be as tall as a ship’s mast!
November 1, 2024, 2:54 pm
Arrr, matey! Jacob Rostovsky, the captain of Queer Works, be in hot water, facin’ 53 felony charges for plunderin’ near a million doubloons from the tax coffers! This swashbuckler, who flew his colors since age 13, be tryin’ to save the souls of the gender-bent crew! Avast!
November 1, 2024, 2:49 pm
Arrr, we be at the mercy o' that scallywag Google! Uncertain landlubbers ask, “Be Kamala Harris a fine Democratic matey?” and lo! Google be showin' a jolly view. Last week, a poll said she be sparkin' joy in the crew! What sorcery be this, me hearties?
November 1, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr! The Colorado seadogs o’ state be sayin’ that some sneaky passwords fer their voting treasure were tossed onto their official scroll by mistake! They be hidin’ in a secret tab, but fear not, matey! They’ve been scuttled back to Davy Jones’ locker, and the election sails on smooth!
November 1, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr mateys! The swabby governor of Colorado be sendin’ his fine ships and carriages to fix the blunder of spilled voting passwords, like a treasure map gone awry! Aye, there be doubts in the air, but fear not, for our elections be as fair as a parrot on me shoulder!
November 1, 2024, 10:29 am
Avast ye! The Colorado landlubber in charge of keepin’ Trump from the ballot be now swimmin’ in hot water 'cause she leaked the secret codes for countin’ votes! A hidden treasure of passwords lay buried in an Excel treasure map, just waitin’ for any scallywag to plunder! Arrr!
November 1, 2024, 9:29 am
Arrr matey! The vice captain be speakin' naught but the truth ‘bout her foe, the scallywag Trump! Yet, she be missin' a few treasures o' context now and then. In her last hurrah, she called him a “petty tyrant,” while claimin' her own sails be set for the future, savvy?
November 1, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, mateys! Vice President Harris took to the stage like a siren on the high seas, ‘fore a throng of 75,000 scallywags! She be spoutin’ her “final words” whilst takin’ jabs at that “petty tyrant” Trump, all in the same spot where he stirred up trouble. Aye, what a ruckus!
October 31, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, me hearties! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be spoutin’ tales o’ Trump givin’ him the helm of the health ship if he sails to victory next week! But the Trump crew be sayin’, “Nay, no such promise!” Just a bunch o’ bluster, like a parrot with a sore throat!
October 31, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala be settin' sail this week with a shiny treasure map fer Black lads! With grand plans and a hullabaloo of media, she be keen to win their hearts before them scallywag Republicans try to plunder 'em! Avast, the final stretch be upon us!
October 31, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be ridin' in a rubbish wagon before his shindig in Green Bay, takin' a jab at Captain Biden! "How d'ye fancy me garbage ship?" he cackled, sittin' pretty with the Trump flag flyin' high. Aye, ‘tis for Kamala and Joe, he be sayin’!
October 31, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr, ye scurvy sea dogs! Don Trump donned the rags of a waste wrangler, hopin’ to sway the good folk o' Wisconsin. He claimed them Democrats think his ye olde crew be but refuse! All this jests be sparked by Biden's blunder ‘gainst a jestin’ rascal at a grand shindig!
October 30, 2024, 6:16 pm
Arrr, a scallywag's jest 'bout Puerto Rico at Trump’s shindig at Madison Square Garden be as effective as a leaky cannon, matey! Despite the hullabaloo from the media and the Harris crew, the good folk of Pennsylvania be holdin' their ground, sayin’ nary a word about the jester’s crude quip!
October 30, 2024, 6:16 pm
Ahoy! In Fairhill, North Philly, ye be spottin' Puerto Rico on every corner! Flags flyin', salsa blarin', and fried plantains temptin' yer taste buds. This here be the lively heart of over 90,000 proud Boricuas, a treasure for both scallywags of the Democrats and the Republicans! Arrr!
October 30, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, on the thirtieth day of October, a scallywag from Arizona went and fired his cannon at the DNC's lair thrice! Jeffrey, the rascally 60-year-old, be now face to face with the gallows o' terrorism! No blood spilled, but beware, mateys, the political seas be stormy!
October 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr matey! A wee lass from the East, lawfully docked in the U.S., be in hot water fer tossin' her vote into the election cauldron! ‘Tis said her ballot’s stuck in the count, like barnacles on a ship! Beware, ye scallywags, illegal voting be a treacherous voyage!
October 30, 2024, 4:00 pm
Arrr mateys! As of the last moon on 30th October, 2024, AllSides be keepin' a weather eye on the Senate race. With 34 seats up for grabs, the scallywags reckon the Republicans be havin' a 94% chance to hoist their flag high! Stay tuned as the tides shift!
October 30, 2024, 1:23 pm
Arrr, matey! As the landlubbers squabble 'bout rulings on the lady's choices and the captain's power, Biden be stirrin' the pot fer Supreme Court changes. Meanwhile, Trump and Harris be sailin' toward Election Day, chattin' 'bout gold and foreign scallywags, while the court be driftin' in the briny deep!
October 30, 2024, 1:19 pm
Arrr, matey! The high court be sayin' that ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s name be stayin' on the ballots o' Michigan and Wisconsin, even though he be jumpin' ship! He fancied lettin' Trump have all the booty. And that scallywag Justice Gorsuch be not pleased! Yarrr!
October 30, 2024, 1:15 pm
Arrr, Kamala be trapped in Rogan's lair, while Trump sails in fer a chat on the Joe Rogan Experience—Spotify’s golden treasure! Young scallywags be favorin' Trump, so Harris might fancy a visit, but beware, it could sink her ship! Rogan be spoutin’ more on the X, savvy?
October 30, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr, matey! The treasure chest o’ the U.S. economy be swellin’ yet a tad underwhelmin’, growin’ a fine 2.8% in the third quarter. Strong spendin’ by landlubbers be keepin’ the ship afloat, defyin’ the storm o’ slowdown! Count yer doubloons, savvy?
October 30, 2024, 9:45 am
Arrr, matey! The treasure of the U.S. economy be swelled by 2.8% from July to September, thanks to savvy consumers, despite the high seas of interest rates! The Commerce crew be sayin' it slowed from 3%, but this ship be sailin’ sturdy nonetheless! Yarrr!
October 30, 2024, 9:41 am
Arrr, matey! The U.S. economy be sailin' a wee bit slow in the third quarter, growin' at a modest 2.8% instead o' the expected 3%. Inflation be easin', and landlubbers be spendin' like there's treasure to be had! A fine time to hoist the sails, eh?
October 30, 2024, 7:20 am
Arrr! Ye’ve likely caught wind o' the gender ruckus in the captain's chair. Trump and Harris be as different as rum and tea! This election's a squall o' the sexes, savvy? But lo! The gap be wider than Davy Jones' locker, especially with brains in tow! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
October 30, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr matey! In the midst o' chattin' 'bout them "bellwether counties" and "swingin' states," ye may catch wind of the fabled "blue wall." Both Captain Kamala and the swashbucklin’ Trump set sail in these waters, fightin' for the colors of the sea, ‘til Biden hoisted the blue flag once more!
October 30, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr! Aye, 51 souls have met Davy Jones in the watery grave o’ Valencia, thanks to a tempestuous downpour, Tuesday’s fury! Rescuers be paddlin’ their little boats in the dark, savin’ stragglers from the briny deep. Captain Mazon be shoutin’ for help in the hardest-hit shores!
October 30, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, when the scallywags asked Captain Putin 'twixt the waves o' the Far East, if he fancied Trump or Harris, he raised an eyebrow and grinned like a treasure hunter! "Our ‘favorite’ be Biden, savvy?" he quipped, "But alas, he be a bit weathered!" Har har har!
October 30, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr, mateys! The old sea dog Trump be spoutin’ that Vicey Kamala be leadin’ a ship of hate! He claims her words be as shameful as a scallywag’s parley! After dodgin’ two cannonballs aimed at his noggin, he be callin’ her a stormy sea of demoralization! Avast! What a hullabaloo!
October 29, 2024, 1:19 pm
Arrr! The scallywags of Arizona be warnin’ us of a mighty long ballot, me hearties! With two pages o’ choices, ye might be sailin’ for hours at the polls! Maricopa’s scroll be 17 inches long—ye’d think it be a treasure map! Hoist the sails and prepare for delays!
October 29, 2024, 1:14 pm
Arrr, matey! Last moon, another scallywag from the CIA found himself in the brig fer givin’ a lass a rough time, with a dozen eyes watchin’! The last sea dog was tried fer stranglin’ a fair trainee in the stairwell. Now, this rogue’s set fer a fresh trial in Virginia. Avast!
October 29, 2024, 1:11 pm
In the year o' 2005, a landlubber family set sail to New York, hopin' to launch their lil' scallywag's music dreams! There, the infamous Sean Combs beamed like a treasure map, whisperin' sweet nothings o' stardom to the lad, while the boy rapped like a parrot on a sugar high! Arrr!
October 29, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr! The world’s scallywags be givin’ Israel a right tongue-lashin’ fer callin’ the UNRWA a band o’ buccaneers! They be banishin’ ’em from their shores, leavin’ the poor souls in Gaza and the West Bank high and dry! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
October 29, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! Japan's election be turnin' tides, while the Yanks be ponderin' their own chaos! China be thinkin' it can plunder Japan's shores and poke the dragon that be Taiwan! Even North Korea be stirrin' the pot with its rum-loving pals, testin' cannonballs like there's no tomorrow!
October 29, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr! No shock to landlubbers, the New York Times be hoisting the flag fer Kamala Harris! The Washington Post be sittin' on the fence, and the Los Angeles Times editor stormed off like a scurvy dog when told to keep mum. Meanwhile, the nice folk in Hamtramck be grumblin' over their wished-for sea of Muslims not sailin' in!
October 29, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, when ol' Stephen K. Bannon sailed off to the clink nigh four moons ago, he left his podcast to scallywags and a gaping hole in the Trumpy seas. But soon, this buccaneer be bustin' loose from the hoosegow, ready to stir the political waters once more!
October 29, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr, mateys! Comedian Jay Johnston be walkin' the plank to a year and a day in the federal brig fer meddlin' with the law when that raucous mob stormed the Capitol! This scallywag's been bouncin' in Hollywood since the '90s, but now he’s outta work on the Bob's Burgers ship!
October 29, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr, mateys! I be settin' me eyes upon the Trump shindig at that grand Madison Square, and 'twas naught like the scallywags in the papers be claimin'! Aye, instead of ruckus and rage, I spied a jolly crew chantin', “USA! USA!” Me heart be full, and me ears be ringin'!
October 29, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! On the morn of Monday, the scallywags o' the Republican crew called upon the mighty High Court to plunder the squabble 'bout them provisional ballots in the land o' Pennsylvania. They be wantin' to scuttle a ruling that lets landlubbers vote when their letters be a wee bit askew!
October 29, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, matey! Job openings in California sank like a rotten ship, droppin' near 30%! The land o' gold be second-worst for scallywags lookin' for work. Blame it on that $20 minimum wage for grub slingers! Aye, the job count be a sorry tale indeed!
October 28, 2024, 2:26 pm
Arrr, matey! In the grand sea o’ politics, Trump be givin' parents the helm while Kamala be shackled to the teacher's crew! The wind be blowin' in Trump’s favor, as many a landlubber’s eyes be opened during the plague! Who knew the unions be fishin' for power? Ha!
October 28, 2024, 2:23 pm
Arrr, mateys! Trump be blabbin' 'bout givin' doubloons to those landlubbers tendin' to their kin. “Aye, 'tis time to hoist 'em up!” he cackled. “They be the unsung heroes, always in the shadows!” Even that lass Kamala be tossin' in her two cents fer eldercare! A right merry hullabaloo, I say!
October 28, 2024, 2:21 pm
Arrr matey! A fresh poll be showin’ that half o’ the scallywags in the land reckon ol' Trump be a fascist, even some of his own crew! Meanwhile, only a scant 23 percent say the same o’ our dear Vice President Harris. And blow me down, Trump be sayin’ Hitler did a few "good deeds!" Aye, what a hullabaloo!
October 28, 2024, 2:18 pm
Arrr, matey! The court be sayin' that brave sailor Zachary Young ain't no scallywag, despite the yarns spun by that cursed CNN! He claims they painted him as a villain, claimin' he plundered while helpin' folks escape the stormy seas of Afghanistan. A right laugh, I tell ye!
October 28, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! Scouted be choosin’ treasures on their own! If ye buy from our scrolls, we might pocket a wee coin. Want yer gut to be as mighty as a ship's crew? This here probiotic be like addin’ star players to yer belly’s team, boostin' its prowess!
October 28, 2024, 11:38 am
Ahoy! Viktor Orban, that crafty sea dog from Hungary, sails to Georgia to toast their election, despite whispers o' Kremlin trickery! He'll parley with Irakli, the Georgian captain, who’s cozyin' up to Moscow like a scallywag! With 54% of the booty, the Georgian Dream crew be holdin’ strong! Yarrr!
October 28, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, matey! Rep. McClain be sayin’ that the good folk of Michigan be trustin’ ol' Trump more than Vice President Harris to steer the ship o' Middle East policy. At a ruckus with Trump, she claims the Muslim crew be wantin’ peace—aye, actions be shoutin' louder than a cannon!
October 28, 2024, 9:19 am
Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2021, Netflix be settin’ sail on a new treasure trove o’ tales! They be callin’ it the Palestinian Stories collection, filled with gems from crafty Arab filmmakers. Thirty-two films to feast yer eyes upon, with more booty comin’ ashore! Avast!
October 27, 2024, 8:04 pm
Arrr, matey! The swashbucklin' Trump be takin' the stage at the grand Madison Square Garden, where a crew of raucous supporters be cheerin' like scallywags! He be spoutin' off agin' Biden and his matey Harris, swearin' to make the ol' U.S. great again whilst lamentin' over bloomin’ prices and wayward sailors comin' ashore!
October 27, 2024, 3:51 pm
Arrr, mateys! As of the 27th day of October, 2024, the candidates be weighin’ in on the matter of lawbreakers! Aye, 61% of landlubbers be thinkin’ violent crime be a right important issue for their ballots. Republicans be shoutin’ 'tis vital, whilst Democrats be a bit less riled. Aye, the seas be stormy!
October 27, 2024, 12:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags o' Lancaster be stirrin' the pot, as they spy 2,500 suspect voter scrolls! Last-minute delivery to meet the deadline, aye, but the District Attorney be sayin’ 60% of ‘em be as fishy as a three-week-old catch! Avast, what treachery be afoot?
October 27, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, Senator Graham be spoutin' on Sunday that John Kelly's "fascist" jab at Trump be the last gasp o' the Harris crew, with the wind in the election sails blowin' fierce! He claims Kelly's just a landlubber thrashin' about, callin' Trump a dictator like a scallywag lost at sea!
October 27, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, matey! A new treasure map o' polls be showin' Kamala Harris sailin' ahead of Captain Trump! Protectin’ democracy be weighin’ heavier on the minds o’ the crew than immigration, with 81% sayin’ it be as critical as gold! Trump be chasin’ tides of immigration, but ‘tis the Democrats steady yer ship!
October 27, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! This Sunday, the grand Captain Trump be settin’ sail with a raucous rally at the illustrious Madison Square Garden! In but a blink, the seats be gone, like treasure in Davy Jones’ locker! Expect a merry crew of luminaries to regale tales of their bold captain!
October 27, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Before Elon Musk became a right jolly donor for Trump’s brig, he plundered the U.S. shores illegally, tossin’ aside his studies like a sailor tosses a moldy biscuit! Aye, ‘tis a tale told by shipmates and court scrolls, as reported by the scallywags at The Washington Post!
October 27, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, matey! President Biden be soundin' the alarm, sayin’ it’d be a jolly blunder fer lads to cast their votes fer that scallywag Trump! He called America a “garbage can,” and Democrats be steamin' mad, callin' him a “fascist” fer threatenin’ to unleash the cannons on his foes! Yarrr!
October 26, 2024, 12:27 pm
Arrr, matey! Joe Rogan be settin' sail with Trump on his podcast after the scallywag got a taste o' lead at a rally in Butler! He be sayin’ the stars aligned after refusin’ fer years. During their yarn, Trump called the presidency a perilous voyage, arrr!
October 26, 2024, 12:25 pm
Arrr, in a grand chinwag, Captain Trump spun tales o’ politics and culture with the jolly Joe Rogan, takin’ three hours to do it! The blaggard be so late to his own shindig in Traverse City, many scallywags sailed away in frustration! Har har, what a merry mess!
October 26, 2024, 12:22 pm
Arrr! Former Cap’n Trump be squawkin’ for nigh on three hours on “The Joe Rogan Experience”! He be pitchin’ to the lad crew about tossin’ the income tax overboard, waxin’ poetic ‘bout brawlin’ fighters, and wonderin’ if Martians be raisin’ a ruckus too! A right merry romp, I say!
October 26, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags of the Iranian fleet be mournin' two of their sea dogs lost to them Israeli cannon blasts! After a midnight raid, the Israeli crew claimed victory and warned against any revenge. Looks like the waters be boilin’ with trouble, aye!
October 26, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr, matey! Israel be settin' sail fer battle, spied Iran firin' a boatload o' cannonballs! With the sea wind in their sails, Israel's crew be claimin' it’s their duty to unleash the cannons! Boom goes the powder keg in Tehran, but what’s the full tale o' this jolly ruckus, eh?
October 25, 2024, 7:15 pm
Arrr! Israel fired a broadside at Iran on Friday, avengin' a past cannonade of 200 fiery rockets, savvy? The Israel Defense Forces promised a mighty answer, and lo! They struck true, settin' sail for trouble with the Islamic Republic. The seas be risin’, and the world be shiverin’ in fear!
October 25, 2024, 6:18 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at the Washington Post be settin' sail without a vote in this year’s presidential fracas, a first in 36 moons! With the election just 'round the corner, they be lettin' the tides decide ‘twixt Trump and the other lubber. Avast, what a caper!
October 25, 2024, 3:44 pm
Arrr, a heap o' 2,500 sailor's scrolls fer votin’ in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, met Davy Jones' locker! The state’s fancy contraption spied some scallywags among 'em, callin' 'em fraudulent. Officials be havin' a hearty laugh about it at a news gab fest last Friday! Avast, matey!
October 25, 2024, 1:36 pm
Arrr, there be no lass like Brianna Wu! A fierce buccaneer for trans rights, yet she be callin’ some scallywags out for makin’ a right mess of it! Aye, she admires AOC but hoists Israel's flag too! Once a target o’ the cyber seas, now she be reckonin’ the far left be a bit too wily!
October 25, 2024, 1:23 pm
Arrr, matey! The Washington Post be settin' sail in uncharted waters, sayin' it won't pick a captain this election! They've angered the crew, for they once penned a shout-out fer Kamala over that scurvy Donald. Blame it on ol' Jeff, the treasure-huntin' Amazon overlord! Har har!
October 25, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, mateys! Hear ye! In a grand proclamation, Governor Ron DeSantis be sayin’ that them Dominion contraptions won’t be settin’ sail in Florida’s waters! Aye, the landlubbers be keepin’ their treasure maps safe this time round! Avast, let the games begin!
October 25, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, matey! Trump be tellin’ the radio captain, Hugh, that if he be claimin’ the crown, he’ll be tossin' special counsel Jack Smith overboard “in two shakes of a parrot’s tail!” That crafty Merrick be tryin' to keep the seas calm, but the winds be blowin' foul! Har har!
October 25, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr, matey! On Friday, the Israeli cannons claimed 38 souls in southern Gaza, 13 wee nippers from one family, no less! In the north, them scallywags stormed a hospital, leavin' the land in a right pickle! Aid crews be shoutin' 'bout the dire straits the folk be in! Blimey!
October 25, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of a ship that met its doom 'gainst the mighty Francis Scott Key Bridge be ordered to shell out over $100 million doubloons to the crown! Those landlubber companies, Grace Ocean and Synergy Marine, be settling their squabble after a month of legal tussles. Haaar!
October 24, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, matey! The grand election chief of a crucial Nevada port be cast out just weeks afore the great presidential showdown! The scallywags on the right be stirrin' up trouble like a stormy sea, pressurein' the fine folks runnin' the elections! Aye, what a ruckus in Washoe!
October 24, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! A lass once struttin' the catwalk claims she crossed paths with the infamous Trump, thanks to that scallywag Epstein! She be sayin' he groped her at Trump Tower in '93, callin' it a right twisted game betwixt the two blaggards. Aye, what a hullabaloo on the high seas of scandal!
October 24, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, matey! Trump’s crew be squawkin’ that Stacey, a former Obama cheerleader, be tellin’ tales of his gropin’ ways back in ‘93! She claims ol’ Epstein introduced ‘em, but swears she knows naught of his misdeeds. A right tangled sea of scandal, I say! Yarr!
October 24, 2024, 1:56 pm
Arrr, mateys! The Food and Drug Administration be on the hunt for the scallywag Taylor Farms, reckonin’ they be the cursed source of E. coli makin’ landlubbers ill from them Quarter Pounder grub! U.S. Foods be shoutin’ about a recall of onions, sayin’ best to toss ’em overboard!
October 24, 2024, 1:52 pm
Arrr, the Democratic crew be in utter disbelief they might be bested by scallywag Trump again! “Who’d cast their lot with that lout?” they grumble. Aye, he be as gauche as a parrot in a tavern! Yet amidst his jests, he be sailin’ a shrewd campaign, savvy as a sea dog!
October 24, 2024, 9:16 am
Avast ye! Picture this: all the landlubbers cry for more amusement parks! Nations be tossin' gold to build 'em, whilst bankers be parleyin' beside giant toy models, handin' out monstrous checks! But lo! Years later, it be revealed some doubloons went to grog instead o' rides! Arrr, what a scallywag scheme!
October 24, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr, last year, Tucker Carlson set sail fer Russia, chattin’ with ol’ Vlad the Impaler! While landlubbers howled at the thought, our matey filmed himself ridin’ the subway, munchin’ burgers at McD’s, and buyin’ grub like he was in the colonies. Aye, a right jolly time it was!
October 24, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! A spy ship o' the skies, the Royal Air Force’s Rivet Joint, be sailin' the winds from Greece to Finland, spyin' on the Russkies! 'Twas a grand adventure, markin' the first flight o' NATO’s eastern shores, comin' in hot like a cannonball! Avast!
October 24, 2024, 4:46 am
Arrr, matey! This be what the cap’n of NATO, Mark Rutte, be sayin’! Turkey can sail with the BRICS crew without scuttlin’ its NATO ship! At a press meet in Estonia, he laughed off fears ‘bout Ankara joinin' the Russia-led scallywags. A merry dance o’ alliances, I say!
October 24, 2024, 4:37 am
Arrr, a wise doc lass, Johanna Olson-Kennedy, be sayin’ she’s holdin’ back her treasure map of puberty-blockin’ potions ‘cause the American seas be stormy! Since 2015, she’s been gatherin’ 95 wee scallywags for her grand quest, but alas, the political winds be blowin’ fierce!
October 23, 2024, 4:00 pm
Ahoy mateys! This here blog be chartin' the waters of the 2024 U.S. elections, keepin’ ye up to date on the scallywags runnin’ for captain! Click yonder to spy our treasure trove of news, polls, and media spin. Avast! Live feeds await, so hoist yer sails!
October 23, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! This here scroll be part o’ the Republic of Distrust; a tale o’ trust lost in the great sea o’ American institutions! In the days of yore, ol’ Walter Cronkite, the fairest news cap’n, spun tales that even made the official crew squirm!
October 23, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! Let’s be clear, this be but a triflin' matter whilst voters ponder their fates in the upcoming weeks. A mere sideshow, indeed! And I cared not a lick! Trump be jabberin’ ‘bout Kamala’s tales of flippin’ fries at some landlubber's joint, but she only sang that sea shanty in 2019! Ha!
October 23, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag ad be claimin’ that Vice President Kamala Harris be lettin’ scallywags roam near schools and parks! But nay, ‘twas a tall tale! She fought the law until the high court said, “Nay!” to the wretched rules in San Diego. Aye, truth be stranger than a drunken parrot!
October 23, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, mateys! Aye, a jolly tale be a-sailing through the digital seas, claimin’ gas be but $1.80 a gallon ‘fore Biden took the helm! But beware, me hearties! Those figures be wobblier than a drunken sailor; they be not quite true. Hoist the sails of exaggeration!
October 22, 2024, 6:58 pm
Arrr, in Kazan, where the skies be gray, Modi be tellin' Putin, “Let’s make peace in Ukraine, matey!” As the BRICS summit looms, the Russian captain be hopin’ to flaunt the might of the seas beyond the Western shores, whilst his cannons still roar since February of ’22! Har har!
October 22, 2024, 6:57 pm
Arrr, trapped by the West fer stirrin' up trouble in Ukraine, ol' Captain Putin be throwin' a jolly shindig with his mates from China, India, and South Africa! He be tryin' to sway the seas of power while dodgin’ the law like a scallywag on the run! Avast!
October 22, 2024, 6:56 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The BRICS crew ain't shackled by no mutual oaths like them EU scallywags! Nay, they be sailin' towards common treasure, says that Kremlin parley-pouch, Peskov. As he be spoutin' at the Kazan shindig, they lack the proper flags and rules to be called an official fleet!
October 22, 2024, 2:46 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! Word be sailin’ that Vice President Kamala Harris be tellin’ the rowdy crew, “Ye be at the wrong hootenanny!” when they be shoutin’ “Jesus be the Captain!” One matey be sayin’, “Christians best keep this in their sea chest!” Aye, the footage be proof enough!
October 22, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr, mateys! That scallywag Tim Walz be spoutin’ tall tales on the telly, claimin’ ol’ Trump sent more shipshape jobs to Davy Jones’ locker than any other captain! “Aye, it be the truth!” he squawked on “The View.” But methinks he be chasin’ sea serpents, not facts!
October 22, 2024, 2:38 pm
Arrr, mateys of Concord! On a fine Monday, Captain Trump spun a yarn ‘bout schoolin’, gender shenanigans, and freedom to worship, but skipped over the “A” word like a scurvy dog! Last time he promised to sink Roe v. Wade, now he be claimin’ the judges be his crew!
October 22, 2024, 2:31 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Captain Jeffries and his scallywag mates were nabbed by the law for runnin' a raucous ship o' shenanigans, recruitin' lads for wild frolics far and wide! A dozen souls caught in their nets, now they be swimmin' with the fishies in a sea o' trouble!
October 22, 2024, 9:35 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala be sayin’ she ne’er pictured sailin’ the campaign seas with Liz Cheney, that scallywag from Wyoming! Cheney be shoutin’ she’s voting for a Democrat fer the first time, claimin’ she’s as conservative as a parrot on a treasure chest! Applause be thunderin’ like cannon fire!
October 22, 2024, 9:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Maria Shriver, the captain of this here town hall, declared no wild queries be allowed! Only the questions written in the logbook be fit for the crew! “I be hopin' to ask what be ticklin' yer noggins,” she said with a wink, savvy?
October 22, 2024, 9:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fair Maria Shriver, once a lady of California’s halls, declared that only questions from the captain's log be asked of Vice President Kamala at yon Michigan gathering! A fair lass dared inquire, but Shriver silenced her faster than a cannon fire! No questions for ye! Har har!
October 22, 2024, 6:47 am
Arrr, matey! Moldova be settin' sail fer the European Union by a hair's breadth, ye savvy? With just a smidgen o' votes, and whispers o' Russian shenanigans, they be raisin' their flag fer EU at 50.4%! A close shave indeed, ye scallywags!
October 22, 2024, 4:41 am
Arrr! A band o’ scallywags from the GOP be insistin’ that ol’ Merrick Garland set sail on an inquiry ‘bout Elon Musk, the tech buccaneer! He be handin’ out treasure to landlubbers in swing states for signins’ on his petition. Aye, they claim it be foul play in the election seas!
October 22, 2024, 4:38 am
Arrr, matey! Liz Cheney and Vice Prez Kamala be hoistin' sails on a madcap quest to sway the shy Republicans, fearin' their votes fer Trump! They scoured Chester, Oakland, and Waukesha, lands claimed by the fierce Nikki Haley. A right ruckus, I say! Avast, the political seas be stormy!
October 22, 2024, 4:33 am
Arrr, matey! A curious wind be blowin' in the land o' the free! Young scallywags aged 18 to 24 be takin' up the conservative flag, outpacing their slightly elder mates! A twist from the days of yore, it be! More lads be sportin’ the conservative colors than the liberal sails! Avast!
October 22, 2024, 4:32 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers of the FBI and Defense be in a right tizzy, tryin' to find out how two secret scrolls ‘bout Israel’s plans fer a rumble with Iran washed up on a Telegram channel! Even ol’ Biden be lookin' as worried as a cat in a dogfight! Avast!
October 21, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr matey! As the tides of the 2024 election roll in, the lefty squawkers be takin' aim at those scallywag Republicans and ol' Elon Musk, claimin' they be fundin' trickster ads that be foolin' the landlubbers into thinkin' Vice President Kamala be gettin' cheers! Aye, the sea be a fickle mistress!
October 21, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, matey! In the grand contest of 2024, Georgia be a treasure chest o' votes! More than 1.4 million scallywags be castin' their ballots early. Since Tuesday, the landlubbers be breakin' records, with over 1.3 million swabs votin' in person—80,000 just sendin' their votes by sea! Yarrr!
October 21, 2024, 4:14 pm
Ahoy, mateys! A mighty throng of landlubbers cast their votes early in North Carolina, even as Hurricane Helene tried to blow 'em all away! This tempest be the fiercest since Katrina, claimin' 246 souls—many in our fair state. But fear not! 90% o' the polling shanties be sailin’ smooth!
October 21, 2024, 4:11 pm
Ahoy mateys! The fine folk of Georgia be buzzin’ like bees ‘bout castin’ their votes, breakin’ another record on the morn of Saturday! “Huzzah to the counties and our grand Georgia seadogs!” quoth Gabriel Sterling on the X ship. “Ye’ve made history with a turnout as mighty as the seven seas!”
October 21, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Musk be throwin’ a treasure of gold at ye voters o' Pennsylvania to aid Trump, while court be lookin' on with a keen eye! He be givin’ a million doubloons daily to those who sign a conservative parchment—har har, what a merry gamble on the high seas of politics!
October 21, 2024, 9:58 am
Arrr, matey! Governor Shapiro be callin’ on the lawmen to sniff around that scallywag Musk! At a raucous Trump shindig, he promised gold to the landlubbers—$1 million a day ‘til the election! Why, he even tossed a treasure chest to a lucky soul in Harrisburg! Avast!
October 21, 2024, 9:57 am
Avast, mateys! Yonder experts be squawkin' that Captain Elon Musk be sailin' o'er the law, givin' away a treasure chest o' $1 million daily to the landlubbers who be votin' in key swing states! Aye, till November 5, he’s plunderin’ their pockets for support of the grand ol' amendments!
October 21, 2024, 8:48 am
Avast, mateys! As the campaign winds to a close, Captain Trump be shoutin' like a banshee, while Lady Harris be switchin’ her tune to the jolly seas of "the politics of joy." Aye, from fury to cheer, the tides be turnin’ in this shipshape election!
October 21, 2024, 3:39 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag o' a Trumpie be trollin’ Taylor Swift, soaring o’er her Miami shindig with a scroll shoutin’, “Trump 2024 – Be ye ready, Cat Lady? Make America Great Again!” A fine jest, that, before the lass be hittin’ the stage! Avast!
October 21, 2024, 3:37 am
Arrr, matey! U.S. envoy Hochstein be settin' sail fer Beirut on Monday, jawin’ with Lebanese lords ‘bout a truce ‘twixt Israel and them scallywags, Hezbollah. While he be plead’n fer peace, the States be backin’ Israel like a loyal parrot, even as the cannons roar!
October 21, 2024, 3:32 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis a curious tide: despite the gold being tight, Yanks be splashin’ doubloons at shops and taverns like no tomorrow! The rich scallywags, swimmin’ in treasure from their ships of stocks and homes, be the ones stirrin’ this merry spendin’ storm! Blimey, what a shift!
October 21, 2024, 3:25 am
Ahoy, mateys! A savvy captain knows to steer clear of squabblin’ when stormy seas a’brewin’. But fer Prime Minister Trudeau, the ruckus be the whole treasure! He be parleyin’ about foreign trickery, whilst his own ship be takin’ on water from past mischief. Avast, what a jolly show!
October 20, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, matey! Those scallywags of Hezbollah sent a wee drone to rattle the ol’ Netanyahu’s treasure chest in Caesarea! But fear not, they be away, and no one got harmed. Two of their flying contraptions met Davy Jones, but the third slipped away like a clever sea rat!
October 20, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags o’ the U.S. be snoopin’ ‘round a leak o’ secret scrolls, spillin’ the beans on Israel’s plans to give Iran a right good thrashin’. Three sea dogs be sayin’ the documents be authentic, straight from the spyglass o’ the Geospatial and National Security brigands!
October 20, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr! Elon Musk be handin' out a bounty o' $1 million to scallywags who sign his parchment for free speech and bearin' arms! He'll be tossin' gold to a lucky swab each day 'til the election, makin' sure every landlubber in swing states be hearin' the news! Aye!
October 20, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr, matey! A jolly ad be showin' a wedded pair with clashing sails, yet they both be hoistin' the flag for Senator Bob Casey! Meanwhile, them scallywags of Hezbollah tried to send a drone to the captain's quarters of Netanyahu, but alas, the couple be away, and no one was harmed! Yarr!
October 19, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, matey! Last year, the king's coffers were lighter by nearly $2 trillion doubloons, and the future be lookin’ even gloomier! The wise folks at the CBO be sayin’ this year’s treasure hole’s a whopping $1.834 trillion! Blimey! Time to tighten the sails 'fore we sink!
October 19, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, mateys! The U.S. treasure chest be lighter by a whopping $1.833 trillion fer fiscal 2024, the highest since the plague o’ COVID! Interest be stackin’ high like a pirate's loot, with Social Security and the fleet’s needs runnin’ wild! Aye, the deficit be growin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull!
October 19, 2024, 10:11 am
Arrr, matey! In the year of our Lord 2024, the landlubbers in the US be swimmin' in a sea o' debt, with a deficit o' $1.83 trillion! Blame it on fancy Social Security coins and defense gold, outpacing their meager treasure haul. Aye, the coffers be runnin' dry!
October 18, 2024, 7:30 pm
Arrr, matey! As of the 18th day of October in the year 2024, we be chartin' the chances of Lady Harris or Captain Trump takin' the helm o' the good ship Presidency! We’ll be adjustin’ our sails weekly ‘til the fateful day, November 5th. Currently, Lady Harris be sportin’ a fine 57% chance!
October 18, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, a band o’ Republican scallywags be callin’ fer the crown’s men to probe McKinsey’s dealings with the Chinese fleet! They be wonderin’ if that hefty booty of $480 million be all shipshape with the Defense crew. Avast! What a hullabaloo o’er a few doubloons!
October 18, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, matey! For a decade past, Captain Trump be scrawlin' his scurvy mark upon the good ship America! He be mockin' the law, spreadin' tall tales, and raisin' a ruckus with shady scallywags! Now he be waitin' to face the hangman's noose for his treacherous deeds! Blimey!
October 18, 2024, 5:15 pm
Avast ye! Seems the early votes be favorin' the lubbers o' the GOP in North Carolina! On day one, they sailed ahead with an 18-point swing from 2020! Eric from Florida be sayin' it shoulda been the Democrats' day, but the tides be turnin', me hearties! Arrr!
October 18, 2024, 4:16 pm
Avast, mateys! A landlubber judge be lettin’ Google sail smooth, holdin’ off the launch o' rival app shops fer their Android treasures! That scallywag judge Donato be grantin’ 'em a reprieve, savin’ 'em from a deadline on the horizon. Aye, the seas be calmer fer now!
October 18, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr, matey! The U.S. scallywags sent their flying ships to rain fire upon Houthi treasure holes in Yemen! These rascals be hindering trade in the Red Sea and takin' potshots at the Israelis and Yanks since the great hullabaloo started. Time to sink their weaponry, savvy?
October 18, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr, matey! The mighty B-2 birds flew the skies, blastin' five secret Houthi treasure caves in Yemen, where them scallywags stash their wicked wares. The good captain Austin be sayin’ these hideouts held all manner of booms 'n bangs, ready to sink ships 'n trouble the seas! Yarrr!
October 18, 2024, 12:32 am
Arrr mateys! Just as the scallywag Nasrallah's demise stirred the pot for peace, the sudden sinking of Hamas captain Sinwar be kickin' the sails of change in the Mideast! Fear not, for his end be a grand chance, not a mournin' – he were naught but a troublesome barnacle!
October 17, 2024, 7:28 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Yahya Sinwar be a real piece o' work! A true villain even among his own rabble. Torturin' his own crew like a cat playin' with a mouse! Sent to Davy Jones' locker for bein' a treacherous knave to his own kin—what a sorry tale, aye!
October 17, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, on the 17th day of October, a band o' jurors be pointin' fingers at a scallywag lad o' 14 and his old sea dog father for causin' the demise o' two landlubber students and their educators! Aye, they be drownin’ in a sea o’ 55 charges! Blimey!
October 17, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, a motley crew of faith captains, landlubber parents, and scallywag scholars in Oklahoma be settin' sail for a legal battle! They be protestin' against the swashbucklin' decree of Ryan Walters, who be wantin' to chart a course with the Good Book in every school. Shiver me timbers!
October 17, 2024, 2:28 pm
Arrr matey! 'Tis a treacherous tide in the classroom seas! Educators be receivin' orders to shun talk o' politics, like a scurvy dog avoidin' the sea! Aye, two-thirds o' the crew be keepin' mum on these matters, lest they be walkin' the plank o' controversy! Aye, what a fine mess!
October 17, 2024, 2:22 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags of middle an' high seas be puffin' less smoke! Aye, the lads at the CDC an' FDA be shoutin' from the crow's nest that only 2.25 million young buccaneers be usin' tobacco, a fine drop from last year's blunder! Huzzah!
October 17, 2024, 2:08 pm
Arrr, matey! Ol' Captain Trump be flappin' his gums 'bout tariffs like a parrot on a perch! But what be oft ignored be if he or another scallywag could hoist a global tariff wall without askin' Congress or fearin' the federal courts! Aye, the seas be murky indeed!
October 17, 2024, 2:06 pm
Arrr, matey! A band o' freedom fighters in Florida be settin' sail for court against Captain DeSantis! They be claimin' he’s been plottin’ to scuttle their ballot measure like a scallywag with a cursed treasure map. The landlubbers even accused him of makin’ threats to the telly stations! Blimey!
October 17, 2024, 11:32 am
Avast ye! When the FBI first hoisted the sails of their crime tally in September 2023, they be sayin’ violent deeds dropped by 2.1%. But lo! They’ve now changed course, revealin’ a 4.5% rise in villainy—more murders and mischief than a pirate’s tavern! Yo ho, what a twist!
October 17, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, matey! The Feds be swabbin' the deck o' their crime scrolls, claimin' a rise in ruckus, when just last year they sang a different tune! The media be fetchin' what be fit fer the Democrats, even when their treasure map of data leads 'em astray! Avast, what a jolly jest!
October 17, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr! The Israeli sea dogs be ponderin' if ol' Yahya Sinwar, the scallywag leader o' Hamas, be fishin' with the fishes after a raid in Gaza! They be lookin' at a body, hopin' to find some DNA treasure. Three other rogues met their doom, but they be keepin' it hush-hush!
October 17, 2024, 10:05 am
Arrr, word from the briny deep! Yahya Sinwar, the scallywag o' Hamas, be pushing up daisies, confirmed by the Israel sea dogs. This crafty knave plotted the October raid, but now he be in Davy Jones' locker, takin' three mates with him! Avast, what a jolly hullabaloo!
October 17, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr, mateys! A fresh scroll reveals that landlubbers from afar be fillin' the sails of the US labor crew! Since 2019, them foreign scallywags be accountin' for 88% of the growth. By 2052, 'tis clear—only them swabs and their wee ones be keepin' the ship afloat! Yarrr!
October 17, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala be wranglin' a treasure o' a billion doubloons for her crew, spendin' it on flashy scrolls! Yet, the seas be calm, an' her messages be fallin’ flat like a landlubber’s rum! As for Cap’n Biden, he jumped ship in July, leavin’ the sails to flap!
October 17, 2024, 5:04 am
Arrr, matey! In a tale fit fer the deep, the Los Angeles Archdiocese be partin’ with a treasure chest o’ $880 million to quiet the cries o’ 1,353 scallywags wronged by their landlubber priests! After years o’ parleyin’, they’ve finally struck a deal. Aye, that be a whale of a settlement!
October 17, 2024, 5:02 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag crew o’ “race science” buccaneers be plottin’ in the shadows, funded by a treasure-hoardin’ techie! They’ve been spinnin’ yarns ‘bout so-called genetic greatness through podcasts and scrolls, tryin’ to hoist their daft ideas into the public eye! A right laugh, I say!
October 16, 2024, 3:28 pm
Ahoy! Thomas Nowak be a landlubber intern fer AllSides this Fall 2024, leanin’ to the left like a tipsy sailor! Reviewed by Evan, the newsy mate, and the cap’n John, both with their own sways. As fer election certs, ‘tis naught but scribblin' on parchments to declare the deeds done! Arrr!
October 16, 2024, 3:12 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that ol' Captain Trump be spoutin' tales o' crime droppin' like anchor, but the scallywags at the FBI be slippin' in new figures! Turns out, crimes be risin' like the tide! A fine jest, indeed! Avast, me hearties, keep yer cutlasses ready!
October 16, 2024, 3:07 pm
Arrr, on the sixteenth day of October, the scallywag Trump parleyed with the fair Harris Faulkner before a crew of lasses! They be yappin’ 'bout matters that tickle the fairer gender’s fancy 'fore the great Election Day on the fifth of November. But beware, matey! Polls say Kamala be leadin' the fleet!
October 16, 2024, 3:05 pm
Arrr, matey! It be no surprise that landlubbers be trustin' the media as much as a scallywag trusts a leaky ship! Only 31% be thinkin' the news be true, whilst 36% be tossin' it overboard! 'Tis a right jolly mess, I say!
October 16, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump be jawin' with Bloomberg in the Windy City, braggin' ‘bout makin' the foreign scallywags pay for our shiny ships! But heed me, mateys: them tariffs be naught but a tax on us landlubbers! If ye already know this, sail on, savvy?
October 16, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! The ol' cap'n Trump be standin' firm on his promise to whack them imports with hefty tariffs. He scoffs at the landlubbers frettin' 'bout a trade skirmish with China and reckonin’ it’ll sink jobs and raise prices. Aye, who needs studies when ye got a strong flag to wave?
October 16, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr, matey! The former captain Trump tangled with the chief scribbler o’ Bloomberg News at the Chicago forum, claimin’ tariffs be no stormy seas. That scallywag Micklethwait kept pokin’ the bear, askin’ about his plans to tax the treasure on imports and scallywags makin’ off with their gold. Har har!
October 16, 2024, 9:51 am
Ahoy, mateys! The Biden crew be sendin’ a missive to the Israeli shipmates, demandin’ they mend the sorry state o’ Gaza in thirty tides or risk losin’ their booty of US gold! Blinken and Austin be the scallywags behind this letter, steerin’ clear of a legal storm! Arrr!
October 16, 2024, 2:58 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Harris be shakin' in her boots 'bout Black voters in Charlamagne's den o' chatter! She be claimin’ she’s no scallywag, defendin’ her record, and callin' Trump a villainous threat to our fair seas o' democracy. A fine hullabaloo, it be!
October 16, 2024, 2:52 am
Avast, me hearties! Spare a thought fer Sandy Brindley, captain of Rape Crisis Scotland! Since last October, she’s been tangled in the stormy seas o’ defining “woman.” A tribunal be sayin’ to set sail with a clear definition, but blimey! Even I know the scallywag who attacked me weren’t no lass!
October 16, 2024, 2:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump declared the Repub’licans be the “party o’ common sense,” whilst sparrin’ words with Bloomberg’s scallywag in Chicago. They yapped ‘bout gold and treasure for a good hour, but soon drifted into stormy seas o’ debate, aye!
October 16, 2024, 2:40 am
Arrr, matey! Three scallywags from Honduras be caught in Florida, charged with foul deeds against a wee lass under twelve! They snuck aboard during the Biden-Harris sails, two o’ them breaching the Southern seas in 2021, and the third slippin’ in 2023. A jolly fine mess, indeed!
October 15, 2024, 12:57 pm
Arrr matey! On Tuesday, the scallywags of North Korea let loose their fury, blastin' two bridges in a grand display o' pyrotechnics along the Demilitarized Zone! No souls harmed in South Korea, but warning shots rung out like cannon fire! Aye, even the machine guns got in on the fun!
October 15, 2024, 12:54 pm
Arrr, a hundred souls be threatenin' to hoist the sails of justice against the U.S. Army! They be claimin' negligence fer lettin’ a scallywag slip through the cracks, causin’ a ruckus in Maine last October. They’ve sent their demands to the Davy Jones' locker of the Department of Defense!
October 15, 2024, 12:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Boeing be hoistin' the sails t’ raise a treasure chest o’ $25 billion! After takin' a beatin' like a ship in a storm, they be beggin' lenders fer gold, as the scallywags be on strike! Aye, the seas be rough fer this ol’ bird!
October 15, 2024, 12:39 pm
Arrr, matey! Kamala, the fair lass vyin’ for the captain's chair, be thinkin’ to parley with the jolly podcaster Joe Rogan, a true siren to the young lads! Rumors swirl like a tempest, but no word yet if she'll sail into his ship o' chat. Avast!
October 15, 2024, 11:00 am
Avast ye! Elon Musk’s tongue waggin’ on the political seas be sinkin’ SpaceX’s plans to let loose a fleet o’ rockets from California’s shores. The Coastal Commission be sayin’ “Nay!” to the Air Force’s grand scheme, all ‘cause our captain be causin’ a ruckus online! Arrr!
October 15, 2024, 3:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! That ol’ captain Trump be frettin’ ’bout the ruckus from them “radical left lunatics” come Election Day! He be callin’ fer the National Guard to hoist the sails and fend off “the enemy from within.” Ahoy, what be this chaos he be expectin’?
October 15, 2024, 3:42 am
Arrr, that scallywag Trump be suggestin' summonin' the National Guard on Election Day to fend off "the treacherous enemy from within," which he calls "radical left lunatics!" When asked 'bout Biden's worries o' chaos, he laughed, sayin' the real trouble be from them landlubbers! Aye, what a merry jest!
October 14, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, matey! Captain Musk be raisin’ the black flag o' litigation, claimin’ his political musings be the reason his rocket dreams be sunk by the Coastal Commission scallywags! He’s ready to set sail on a lawsuit, shoutin’ about his First Amendment rights ‘cause he wants to launch 50 cannons from Santa Barbara! Avast!
October 14, 2024, 9:40 am
Avast ye mateys! It be lookin’ grim fer ol’ Senator Cruz down in Texas, sayeth a secret scroll from the GOP crew! The crafty Allred be closin' in on him like a hungry shark! With less than a month 'til the showdown, Cruz be barely ahead by a single point! Arrr!
October 14, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, matey! Three scallywag polls dropped on Sunday, showin’ the presidential seas grow stormy! Trump be catchin’ up to Vice President Harris, with but 23 days left to sail. Last month, she was ahead like a treasure ship, but now it be neck-and-neck, savvy?
October 13, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, matey! According to a fresh treasure map from CBS News, Vice President Harris be leadin’ Trump by a mere 3 doubloons! Aye, she’s got 51% o’ the scallywags’ votes, him only 48! With the big day comin’ fast, both be dodgin’ bullets like drunken sailors!
October 13, 2024, 2:20 pm
Arrr, fer nigh two years, Captain Yahya Sinwar be schemin' with his scallywag mates, plottin' a mighty blow to the landlubbers o’ Israel! With secret scrolls snatched by the Israeli crew, they be detailin' their dastardly plans and tryin' to roguishly bring aboard their mates, Iran and Hezbollah, fer the grand raid!
October 13, 2024, 2:01 pm
Arrr, as Election Day be sneakin' up, the former captain Trump be sailin' into the depths of blue California, shoutin' about inflation and scallywags! He struck land in Coachella Valley, takin' on Vice President Harris, and lo! A mighty throng gathered—"Blimey, look at this crew!" he quipped.
October 13, 2024, 11:28 am
Avast ye! President Biden be settin' sail to witness the havoc wrought by Hurricane Milton on Florida's shores, beggin' Congress for more doubloons. Meanwhile, Vice President Harris be livin' it up in North Carolina, rallyin' the crew at a church. Biden soared over Tampa, spyin' the mess left by ol' Milton!
October 13, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, matey! The UN be callin’ Israel a scallywag for breakin’ the law, as their tanks crashed the peacekeepers’ party in Lebanon! Just hours ‘fore Captain Netanyahu shouted for the crew to skedaddle from the fightin’. Meanwhile, the cannons be blazin’ hot in Gaza’s northern seas!
October 12, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, the scallywag Trump be puffin' up his treasure chest o' economic deeds from his four-year voyage! Meanwhile, that crafty Harris be not captaining the ship, yet Biden’s loot be spillin' from her hold. The crew be sayin’ Trump’s got the better booty, much to Biden's mateys' chagrin!
October 12, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, me hearties! Trump’s crew be seekin’ warships for his grand voyage, beggin’ for sky bans over his treasure haunts, and armor glass stashed in seven battlegrounds. They even be wantin’ a fleet o’ land lubber transports! A fine jolly jaunt fer a swashbucklin' captain, indeed!
October 12, 2024, 10:09 am
Arrr, matey! It be rumored that Iran be scheming to send ol' Trump and his crew to Davy Jones’ locker, all in a huff over that drone strike that sent Soleimani to the briny deep! Aye, their plots be more tangled than a ship’s anchor in a storm!
October 11, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Last eve, Elon Musk, that scallywag, hosted a grand show o' metal mates on a Warner Bros. lot! But alas, the investors be shiverin' in their boots. Also, ye ol’ number-crunchers be settin' odds for a ruckus in sports! For a proper pirate ride, click here! Yarrr!
October 11, 2024, 6:15 pm
Avast ye! A SpaceX galleon of rockets set sail from Vandenberg on a fateful Friday, but the landlubbers of the commission scuttled Musk's dreams of 50 skyward blasts a year. They be frettin' over his raucous chatter and labor woes, like scallywags at a bar fight! Arrr!
October 11, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, matey! On Friday, the landlubbers o' the United States be slappin’ new sanctions on Iran's phantom fleet o' vessels! These scallywags be hidin' their oil like a treasure map in a murky sea. Now, they be on the U.S. naughty list! Avast, ye oil smugglers!
October 11, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, matey! The old captain Trump be trailin' behind the fair maidens in the voter seas! Next week, he be settin' sail for a parley with lasses, hopin' to charm 'em and turn the tides ‘fore the big election storm hits! Har har, good luck with that!
October 11, 2024, 12:58 pm
Arrr, matey! Last week’s debate be the final showdown fer landlubbers to size up the presidential scallywags! The Republicans got a right shiny word from Sen. J.D. Vance, who spun a yarn fer Trumpism better than the ol’ captain hisself! He be shoutin’ fer the crown to hoist the sails o’ government!
October 11, 2024, 12:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! At Cornell’s salty shores, free speech be hoisted high like a Jolly Roger! Momodou Taal, a brave Brit, faced the captain’s wrath for his pro-Palestine cries. But lo! The university’s cannon fell silent, and Taal sails on, visa intact! Aye, what a merry tale!
October 11, 2024, 12:33 pm
Arrr, I sailed the tempestuous seas of surgery in Gaza, from the 25th of March to the 8th of April! I’ve plundered my skills in Ukraine and Haiti, but behold! Each day, a wee one fell to misfortune, shot in the noggin or chest, all meetin’ Davy Jones! Thirteen, me hearties! Aye, what a grim treasure that be!
October 11, 2024, 12:29 pm
Avast, me hearties! If Kamala be crowned, she ain’t the first lass to sail the presidential seas! Nay, that title be claimed by Edith Bolling Wilson, who steered the ship whilst her matey Woodrow lay in the brig, too knackered to parley! Blimey, what a tangled tale!
October 11, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr, matey! Rumors be flyin' like seagulls ‘bout Hurricane Milton bein’ “crafted” and Florida’s weather bein’ run by scallywags! Nay, no magic contraptions let us tame tempestuous seas. Yet on the cursed scrolls of X and TikTok, such tall tales be watch’d by a shipload of landlubbers!
October 11, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr, matey! Scallywags be spouting tall tales 'bout weather wizards and phony rescue missions! Hurricane Milton's makin’ waves in a sea o' lies ‘bout Helene. Officials be blowin’ their horns, yellin’ 'tis all bunk! Keep yer wits, lest ye be led astray by bilge rats!
October 11, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, as southern ports be sweepin' the debris of Hurricane Helene, some Republican scallywags be tasked with swabbin' the decks of misinformation spilled by their mateys! Aye, right after Helene hit the shore, wild tales flew like cannonballs, with that hearty lass Greene spoutin’ yarns 'bout the storm’s origins!
October 11, 2024, 9:33 am
Ahoy! Emanuel Macuixtle be the scallywag intern for AllSides this Fall, leanin' left like a tipsy sailor! Reviewed by Captain Henry A. Brechter and First Mate Johnathon Held, each with their own starry-eyed views. The court's ruckus about Jack Smith's parchments be like a stormy sea—depends on yer bias, matey!
October 10, 2024, 7:03 pm
Arrr, matey! On a fine Wednesday afternoon, The Verge sailed into The Internet Archive, only to be met by a scallywag pop-up claimin' the treasure trove be hacked! At the strike of 9PM, ol’ Brewster Kahle confirmed the ruckus — a JavaScript mischief had defaced their grand ship!
October 10, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be havin' a right laugh at Vice President Harris, makin' merry on the tellin' box while the good folk be pickin' up the pieces from Hurricane Helene! Aye, she's sippin' grog with jesters while chaos be afoot! What a jolly jest, I say!
October 10, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr, President Biden be throwin’ shade at ol’ Trump, claimin’ he’s spewin’ tall tales ‘bout them hurricanes! He be sayin’, “Ahoy, matey! Get yerself a life, ye scallywag!” A right merry jest on the high seas of politics, I say!
October 10, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, a handful o' days past, Rick Conflitti and his lass were ponderin' if they should hightail it from their wooden shack ‘fore Hurricane Milton crashed ashore. "Ye can’t tempt fate, matey!" Rick beamed at NPR, as the winds be whistlin' a merry tune!
October 10, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Captain DeSantis be spillin' the beans on Hurricane Milton, which roared ashore like a scallywag with a hangover. By day's end, 340 souls and their furry mates be saved! The brave crews be busy as bees, plunderin' the storm’s wrath across 26 counties! Avast ye!
October 10, 2024, 2:22 pm
Avast ye! A picture on the scallywag's X be sayin' it’s from Rep. Matt Gaetz about Hurricane Helene! But nay, 'tis a tale from two years past, speakin’ of Ian, not Helene! Aye, Helene be the deadliest since '05, claimin’ over 230 souls and sinkin’ towns, savvy?
October 10, 2024, 2:20 pm
Arrr, matey! Kari Lake and Ruben Gallego be swingin' their cutlasses o' opposition in a raucous debate, jabbin' 'bout immigration and such. ’Twas a fine spectacle, aye, as the early vote sailed in. Buckle yer swash, for the election tide be risin’!
October 10, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr, between Captain Trump and his first mate Vance spoutin' tall tales 'bout hurricane gold and claimin' FEMA's spoilin' for landlubbers, they be callin' on North Carolina to open the treasure chest o' votes where Hurricane Helene struck hard, seekin' aid from Governor Cooper and his scallywags!
October 10, 2024, 9:42 am
Arrr, matey! Newfangled facts be showin’ that landlubbers reckon their knowin’ be enough to chart the seas o’ any tale, forgettin’ they might be missin’ vital treasure maps! Hunter Gehlbach and his crew from Johns Hopkins be spillin’ the beans in PLOS ONE on the ninth day of October in the year of our Lord, 2024!
October 10, 2024, 9:37 am
Avast, ye scallywags! The Office o' the Grand Intelligence told us this week that them Cuban buccaneers be schemin' to meddle in our 2024 election! They be wantin' to sway votes fer the captain o' the ship, and lend a hook to their pro-communist mates! Arrr!
October 10, 2024, 9:33 am
Arrr, matey! Sen. Ron Wyden be callin’ upon the Justice crew to scour the seas o’ youth treatment establishments for treachery and fraud! He be sendin’ word to the mighty Attorney General, lettin’ slip that four scallywag corporations be up to no good! Avast, justice awaits!
October 10, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! His reluctance to parley on the fair seas of Fox News be tellin' us he fears the squall of a duel with the vice captain! Harris be ready for round two, claimin' they owe it to the good folk. Aye, the ship's sails be filled with debate!
October 10, 2024, 3:54 am
Arrr, matey! A lass named Nancy Berenice, a crafty contractor for the ICE crew, tried to sneak a shipload o’ 39 scallywags into Texas, claimin' 'twas a government jaunt! But the Border Patrol saw through her ruse, fer half o’ 'em looked more like landlubbers than lads! Har har!
October 10, 2024, 3:51 am
Arrr, mateys! The ol’ captain Trump be refusin’ to parley with the lass Harris again, claimin’ he’s already bested her in the last skirmish! Fox be tryin’ to set up a second bout, but he’s hoistin’ the sails away from that notion. No more debates till the treasure’s claimed on Nov. 5!
October 9, 2024, 4:52 am
Arrr! A Delaware sea judge be sayin’ the Armenta crew can haul Deadspin to court fer callin’ young Holden a “blackface” scallywag at a Chiefs shindig! In 2023, writer Carron Phillips be likin’ to spin tall tales, claimin’ the lad be hatin’ both Black folks and Native mates all at once! Har har!
October 9, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr, matey! The Biden-Harris crew be soundin' the alarm o' empty coffers fer the stormy seas ahead, yet FEMA be loungin' on a treasure trove of doubloons from past calamities! Aye, $8.3 million from days o' yore be gatherin' barnacles instead o' helpin' the scallywags in need!
October 9, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr! The Justice Crew be callin' for the scallywag Google to walk the plank! They be lookin’ to shatter his monopoly over the search seas. With talks of breakin' ties with fancy ships like Apple and Samsung, it be high time to keep that tech giant in check, matey!
October 9, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, matey! In the wilds of Oklahoma, a scallywag named Nasir plotted a dastardly deed on election day! This landlubber, fresh from afar, sought to bewitch cameras in D.C., all fer the infamous Islamic State! Blimey, what a noodle-brained buccaneer!
October 8, 2024, 9:18 am
Arrr, matey! CBS be givin’ a good tongue-lashin’ to their mornin’ star, Tony Dokoupil, for battlin’ with the scribe Ta-Nehisi Coates 'bout the Israeli-Palestinian hullabaloo. The bigwigs be sayin’ his chat lacked the proper cannon fire for their standards. Aye, the crew be a bit ruffled!
October 8, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, mates! The CBS crew be squawkin’ ‘bout a mornin’ chat led by Captain Dokoupil that missed the mark o’ true journalism. In a jolly meeting, the executives, Wendy and Adrienne, declared it not up to snuff! Fear not, for they be sayin’, “We’ll still…” Aye, what a hullabaloo!
October 8, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, mateys! It seems the scallywags now see Vice President Kamala Harris as the fair captain of change, while Donald J. Trump be lookin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull! Aye, she’s takin’ the lead in the race for the White House, hoisting her flag high!
October 8, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, the high brass at CBS be takin’ a jolly jab at our matey Tony Dokoupil on the mornin’ show! They be claimin’ his questions be rougher than a sea storm when he faced off with that scallywag Ta-Nehisi Coates about them pesky Palestinians. A storm brews among the crew over truth, aye!
October 8, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris be battlin' the stormy seas o' tough queries 'bout her treasure plans, the sluggish ship o' border security, and how she'd parley with the Russkies over their scallywag ways in Ukraine! Aye, her chat with CBS be a grand spectacle amidst a media hullabaloo!
October 8, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, matey! Vice-President Kamala Harris found herself in a storm o' questions 'bout the Middle East, Ukraine, and more during a chat with CBS. Meanwhile, ol' Donald scuttled away from the deck. With the election clock tickin’, it be a right raucous sea of politics ahead!
October 8, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Vice President Kamala be squirming like a fish on a hot deck during her latest chat with CBS’s 60 Minutes! No friendly seas there! With the election storm brewin’ soon, she be hopin’ to turn the tide 'gainst her rival, savvy?
October 8, 2024, 3:15 am
Arrr, matey! This week, the U.S. license be walkin' the plank, makin' it a right challenge fer the Russian scallywags to trade their doubloons in Chinese yuan! The Treasury's cursed sanctions be sinkin' the Moscow Exchange faster than a ship in a storm! No dollars, no euros, just a barrel o' trouble!
October 7, 2024, 3:22 pm
Arrr, matey! A fresh reckonin' be revealin' that Captain Trump’s treasure maps for taxes and spendin' might hoist the national debt to a staggering $7 trillion doubloons—twice as much as Lady Harris’s schemes! Aye, it be a jolly fine mess for the seas ahead!
October 7, 2024, 3:15 pm
"Arrr, mateys! A landlubber’s folly be threat to all hands aboard! Just a week past the fateful duel 'twixt Biden and Trump, the Democrats be seizin’ the chance to hoist their flag high. With gold from fat cats and unions, they be ready to crown a lass as cap'n!"
October 7, 2024, 3:12 pm
Arrr, matey! BP's captain, Murray Auchincloss, be throwin' the treasure map o' reduced oil and gas output overboard! Once promised a grand 40% cut by 2030, now it be slashed to a mere 25%! Looks like they be searchin' for gold in the investors' eyes instead!
October 7, 2024, 3:11 pm
Arrr, matey! Every critter cell be startin’ with the same treasure map o’ DNA, but only some be chartin’ their own course! Avast! The 2024 Nobel booty went to them clever scallywags Ambros and Ruvkun for findin’ microRNA, the sly navigator o’ gene regulation! Yarrr!
October 7, 2024, 10:34 am
Avast ye mateys! Vice President Kamala Harris, a fine lass, set sail on the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, jabberin’ about a woman’s struggle with matters of the heart and the belly! She took a few jabs at that scallywag GOP rival, all while showin’ the grit of a true sea dog! Arrr!
October 7, 2024, 10:34 am
Arrr matey! Vice President Harris be settin' sail on the “Call Her Daddy” show, battlin' Trump like a true buccaneer! She be spoutin' tales of 20 states where the scurvy dog be banishin’ abortion rights. Yarrr, a fierce lass that be, fightin’ for the fair maidens!
October 7, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, matey! The fine Vice President Kamala Harris be settin’ sail fer a raucous chat on the “Call Her Daddy” seas, spillin' her thoughts on matters o' the belly, while she be dodgin' the traditional media cannon fire! Tune in next week fer the jolly jests!
October 7, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! Infamous scallywag Viktor Bout be plundering once more, mere moons after his freedom swap for a lass of the WNBA! Yonder Houthis be parleyin' in Moscow, chasin' a 10 million doubloon deal, only to find the "Merchant of Death" awaitin'! Avast, what a jolly rogue!
October 6, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr, matey! A media scallywag named Samuel Mena Jr. went and set his own arm aflame outside the White House during a ruckus against Israel! The poor soul be screamin’ like a banshee, while landlubbers and coppers scurry to douse his fiery folly. Talk about a hot mess!
October 6, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, matey! The Israeli buccaneers unleashed their cannon fire upon Beirut while the moon was high! They be givin’ the good folk new orders to skedaddle from their homes. Meanwhile, a blow struck near a mosque in Gaza, claimin’ 18 souls. A year of squabbles in the southern seas, I reckon!
October 6, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala, swift as a cannonball, be rowing ‘round the stormy shores o’ North Carolina, meetin’ landlubbers and brave souls! After a jaunt in the Midwest, she be hearin’ tales of woe while the crew be hurlin’ accusations of weak respondin’. Aye, the winds be favorin' her!
October 6, 2024, 5:11 am
Arrr, me hearties! The old seadog Trump be stirrin' the pot again in Pennsylvania, where a scallywag tried to send him to Davy Jones' locker! With more rallies on the horizon, this election be hotter than a cannonball in the sun! Buckle yer swash, the battle be on!
October 4, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, they be wantin' to turn the grand ol' bank in Greenpoint into a weed emporium! A scallywag crew from Bushwick be lookin' to hoist their jolly roger there, leavin' the townsfolk spittin' mad! A notice be hangin', lettin' all know of the green tides comin' ashore!
October 4, 2024, 4:18 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Obama be hittin' the campaign seas fer Vice Captain Harris next week! The race fer the grand White House be heatin' up, like a pot o' gruel on a stormy night! With but a month t’ go, it be a right nail-biter, savvy?
October 4, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Michael Moore be thinkin’ Trump be sinkin’ faster than a ship with a hole! But he warns the fair Kamala not to drop the ball with her crew. This salty director be shoutin’ for Biden to walk the plank, hailing Harris as the treasure to keep!
October 4, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, gather 'round me hearties! A squabble be brewin' 'twixt Johnson and the board during the July treasure hunt fer gold, as they scuttled the mayor's orders to borrow doubloons! And lo! The captain o' CPS, Pedro, claimed the mayor wanted his head, but the board be lettin' him sail on. What say ye?
October 4, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, mateys! A landlubber judge in Missouri be throwin' a spanner in President Biden's treasure map for student gold! Just when the wind seemed fair, Judge Schelp be slammin' the hatch, sayin’ "Nay!" to them hopes of makin’ debts walk the plank! Avast, what a jolly mess!
October 4, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr! The federal scallywags be slower than a three-legged tortoise, leavin' poor Hurricane Helene's crew high and dry! Whistleblowers be spillin' the beans 'bout the sorry state o' the FEMA mateys. Just days after their captain, Alejandro Mayorkas, confessed they ain't got the doubloons to spare!
October 4, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, the scallywags at FEMA be settin’ sail against the tall tales that doubloons for landlubber migrants be better spent mendin’ the seas after Hurricane Helene! Cap’n Abbott and young Trump be all a-fluster over $640 million for them swabs, but FEMA be sayin’ it’s all fair winds!
October 4, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! In the weeks afore the grand Election Day, the land o' labor be lookin' spry! A bounty o' 254,000 jobs be added, makin' the unemployment rate drop to a merry 4.1%! Blimey, the landlubber economists be caught off guard! Avast, what a treasure trove!
October 3, 2024, 6:25 pm
Arrr, mateys! The dock scallywags be settlin' their squabble and hoistin' their sails by Friday! A plump 62% booty be promised, but we best act quick, or it’ll vanish like a ghost ship in the fog! So, let’s be makin’ merry before the time runs dry!
October 3, 2024, 6:25 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! The lively crew of 45,000 dockswabs be settlin’ their quarrels, callin’ off their three-day mutiny till the 15th of January! The International Longshoremen’s Association struck a bargain with the U.S. Maritime Alliance, so let’s hoist the sails and get back to workin’ for a few shiny doubloons! Arrr!
October 3, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, matey! On the third day of October, the U.S. landlubbers be pinching ten scallywags fer peddlin’ a treasure trove of 70 million cursed opioid pills! Aye, they’re worth a whopping $1.3 billion doubloons! 'Tis the grandest bust in pill-piratin' history! Avast, ye pill pushers!
October 3, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The brave blokes of the fire-fightin’ union be sayin’ they won’t be throwin’ their support behind any scallywag for captain o’ the ship this year! Last time they backed ol’ Biden, but now they be split by a mere hair! Aye, what a comical predicament!
October 3, 2024, 1:08 pm
Arrr, matey! On a fine Tuesday eve, Sen. J.D. Vance and Gov. Tim Walz clashed like scallywags in the only vice presidential brawl of this here election voyage! The CBS crew led the fray, discussin' matters from babies to treasure chests, all after that grand captain's showdown!
October 3, 2024, 12:19 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywag Secretary Mayorkas be spillin’ the beans—FEMA’s treasure chest be runnin’ dry this hurricane season! Aye, they’ve plundered over $640 million for landlubber shelters fer them non-citizen swabs. Hurricane Helene be comin’, and we be left with naught but a leaky boat!
October 3, 2024, 12:15 pm
Arrr mateys, the landlubbers be hoarding the soft treasure o’ the throne! As 45,000 scallywags from the Longshoremen's crew be striking, the word spread like wildfire! Shoppers be snatchin’ up all the loo rolls, leavin' naught but bare shelves! Talk about a real toilet terror, aye!
October 3, 2024, 12:12 pm
Arrr, matey! A fresh scroll from the good ship Nature be claimin' that the scallywags of the conservative crew be spreadin’ more tall tales on the social seas. Thus, the keelhaulin’ of their accounts ain't proof of bias, but merely a jolly ol' consequence of their yarn-spinnin' ways!
October 3, 2024, 11:48 am
ARRR, matey! JD Vance be shoutin' that Walz be lettin' docs off the hook to save wee babes from failed abortions, and that Kamala be after them holy nuns! But blow me down, 'tis TRUE! Walz did swap rules, makin' care broader, like a pirate's waistline after a feast!
October 3, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Captain Biden be claimin’ no more booty fer the Hurricane Helene scallywags! In a jolly clip, he be spoutin’ that they’ve plundered the treasure chest dry. When asked for more doubloons, he be sayin', “Nay, we’ve given 'em all we got!” Aye, it be a fine pickle!
October 3, 2024, 8:57 am
Arrr, matey! Governor Maura Healey be hoistin’ the sails of gun reform, settin’ her law to fly faster than a cannonball! No time for the Second Amendment scallywags to catch their breath! Ghost guns and 3-D blunderbusses be walkin’ the plank! Aye, she signed it on July 25, savvy?
October 3, 2024, 8:53 am
Arrr, matey! On the first of October, Iran’s cannon fire be makin’ the seas of the Middle East stormy! It all started when Hezbollah’s trinkets went boom on the 17th! Israel's plunderin' be the biggest raid ever, and now the skies be rainin’ cannonballs ‘n chaos! Avast!
October 3, 2024, 5:11 am
Arrr! A federal judge be sayin’ that Californy’s law against them trickster ads be walkin’ the plank o’ free speech! Signed by that scallywag, Gov. Newsom, it sprung from some crafty videos by a conservative rogue and the infamous Musk. A fine mess, indeed, me hearties!
October 3, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr, matey! Mayor Eric Adams be swabbin' the decks of a federal court, facin' a stormy sea o' corruption that could land him in Davy Jones' locker! He be askin' the court to scuttle a charge and keelhaul the gub'ment for spillin' secrets. All this while sportin' a grin and a fine navy suit, savvy?
October 3, 2024, 5:06 am
Arrr, matey! The king's crew be readyin' the flying ships to whisk away our fellow Canucks from the stormy seas of Lebanon, if the ruckus escalates! Ol' Bill Blair be sayin' they be sailin' smooth for now, but keep yer eyes peeled, for chaos be brewin'! Yarrr!
October 3, 2024, 5:04 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of Yemen be claimin’ they’ve sent three winged cannonballs to strike Israel’s fortresses! But, lo and behold, the Israeli lads be mum on the matter. Their parley man, Yahya Saree, be warnin’ that the Yanks and Brits are stirrin’ the pot! Avast, what a pickle!
October 2, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr! A band o' 68 scallywags, all tied up with the White supremacist lot, were caught in Los Angeles, says the federal sea dogs! Over 40 of these Peckerwood knaves found themselves in irons in one grand takedown, makin’ history like a crew o' bumblin' buccaneers!
October 2, 2024, 3:05 pm
Arrr, matey! This year’s riddle be: be we on the edge o’ a grand sea battle? On Tuesday, a storm o’ fiery missiles rained down on the fine folk o' Israel, sendin' ‘em scuttlin' to their hidey holes! In Lebanon’s plundered lands, families trembled ‘neath the glow o’ warplanes!
October 2, 2024, 3:02 pm
Arrr, matey! Word be blowin' that the Second Gentleman, Doug Emhoff, gave his lass a whack so fierce she twirled like a ship in a storm! After a night of revelry at Cannes, she be cryin’ to her mates, spillin’ the tale. No names be mentioned, lest we draw the Kraken’s ire!
October 2, 2024, 2:56 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Vance be spoutin' tall tales, sayin' Trump be the hero of Obamacare! He claims the ol' sea dog “saved” it while he was at the helm. A fine jest, if ye ask me! A shipwrecked plan be still adrift, thanks to the Trumpster’s crafty mischief!
October 2, 2024, 7:59 am
Arrr, matey! That Tuesday saw them Iranian scallywags launchin' missiles at Israel, shakin' the seas of the Middle East! Aye, we be nearer to a great world tussle than a drunken pirate at a tavern! I was yappin’ on the telly when the cannons roared...
October 2, 2024, 7:58 am
Arrr matey! Yesternight, 180 cannonballs fell like rain upon Israel, scarin’ the landlubbers into their holes and takin' one poor soul from Palestine, yet missin’ the ships o’ war! Israel be vowin' revenge, while the White House be spoutin' threats. How this squabble ends? Even the crabs can’t tell!
October 2, 2024, 7:57 am
Arrr, matey! Word be out that Iran's let loose a storm of cannonballs aimed at Israel's deck! This scallywag brawl be reachin' perilous heights! No nation worth its salt can abide a foe with a barrel o’ nuclear thunder and a penchant for hurlin’ missiles. Avast, the seas be churnin’!
October 2, 2024, 7:47 am
Arrr, matey! In the fair land of Lackawanna, once a Democratic treasure chest, the scallywags whisper it be more of a purple patch! Folks be shakin’ in their boots, lest they face the wrath of the crew for speakin’ their minds. Aye, this election be a raucous rumble, I tell ye!
October 2, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, mateys! Governor Newsom be scribblin’ his mark upon a parchment, demandin’ insurance coverin’ nine million souls to aid in makin’ wee ones! He broadens the definition of infertility, includin’ all hands on deck, even the swabbies of the LGBTQ+ crew! Aye, 'tis a fine day fer dreamin’ o’ little scallywags!
October 2, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, matey! Tim Walz, that scallywag, be spoutin' tall tales ‘bout Project 2025, claimin’ it tracks every lass's bun in the oven! While the conservative crew be wantin' to report lost cargo, they ain't keepin' tabs on all pregnancies. Blimey, what a jolly misunderstanding!
October 2, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr matey! The Ukrainian law shuttin' the Moscow Patriarchate be stirrin' a tempest o' queries 'bout the Orthodox faith, national pride, and trickery. The church be swappin’ its holy robes fer a political riggin', just like in them Soviet days, filled with shifty tales and devilry! Aye!
October 2, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye! The Cold Case Crew of the Civil Rights Division be settin’ sail after a century's slumber! A white mob besieged the fine Black folk of Tulsa, leavin' naught but ruin in their wake. The DOJ be finally takin’ a gander at this 1921 ruckus, led by lass Kristen Clarke! Arrr!
October 1, 2024, 1:17 pm
Arrr matey! The bias of them ABC debate scallywags against Captain Trump be clearer than a siren’s song! Even the jesters on “SNL” took a jab, with Andrew Dismukes, fancy as a parrot, saying, “I wished me handsomeness stole the show, but alas, 'twas me bias instead, savvy?”
October 1, 2024, 1:13 pm
Arrr, matey! Nicholas Dames be teachin' the fine arts of Literature at Columbia since the year o' our Lord 1998! He be lovin' the gig, but the scallywags be drownin' in tomes! Aye, they be bewildered by the thought of readin' more than a handful o' scrolls each semester!
October 1, 2024, 1:10 pm
Ahoy, mateys! CBS News be settin’ sail on a crafty course fer Tuesday’s vice presidential squabble! They be plasterin’ a QR code on the screen fer yer treasure huntin’ pleasure whilst Sen. JD Vance and Gov. Tim Walz duel it out like scallywags in a tavern brawl! Arrr!
October 1, 2024, 12:07 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs o' Iran be hurlin' a cannonade o' over a hundred fireballs at Israel's shores! Sirens be blarin' in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, makin' folks jump like fish outta water! This be a mightier ruckus than last April, I tells ye! Avast, me hearties!
October 1, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, matey! In the fair land o’ West Palm Beach, a scallywag named Ryan Routh be plead’n not guilty to tryin’ to put a cap’n in Trump’s crow’s nest! With a rifle and all, he be awaitin’ his fate behind bars. A fine mess that be, fer sure!
October 1, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, matey! The fair state o' California hath cast aside the wicked practice o' lettin' scallywags in 'cause their kin be rich or have trod the hallowed halls! Now, all hands will be judged on their own merit, not the gold coins in their family’s treasure chest! Ha-ha!
October 1, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr! The scallywags in Iran be readyin' to unleash a cannonade o' ballistics upon Israel, warned the White House! They be all a-quakin' in their boots, preparin' for a rowdy skirmish in the seas o' conflict! The Yanks be standin' by with their cannons polished and ready!
October 1, 2024, 10:52 am
Ahoy, mateys! Yer local gub'ment in California be forbidden from makin' ye show yer face on a piece o' paper t' cast yer vote, thanks to a new decree by Cap'n Gavin Newsom. Aye, that scallywag Dave Min be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst them pesky photo ID rules! Arrr!
October 1, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr, matey! A goodly half o' the Gen Z scallywags be wishin' TikTok was naught but a mirage o' the sea! Jonathan Haidt, a clever landlubber, be layin' down the law: no shiny gadgets before high school, keep the seas o' social media clear till 16, and let 'em play like true pirates!
October 1, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags in New York be usin’ the hullabaloo ‘round abortion to craft a grand amendment! They call it Proposal 1, a fancy way to hoist the sails for equal rights fer all sorts o’ folks, includin’ those who be swimmin’ in murky waters! Avast, me hearties!
October 1, 2024, 5:44 am
Arrr, matey! Epic Games be settin' sail fer legal waters, accusin' Google and Samsung of conpirin' like scallywags to sink rival app ships! They be hidin' treasure maps in default settings, tryin' to keep the booty all fer themselves. And last year, they bested 'em in a mighty duel!
October 1, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, it all set sail with Sydney Sweeney’s bounteous bosom! In March, that fair lass hosted Saturday Night Live, flaunting her treasures whilst jesting about her figure. Even the scallywag Bowen Yang spilled the beans, sayin' she be coaxin' all hands to make merry jests about her curves! Haaar!
September 30, 2024, 4:02 pm
Arrr! With Israel givin' the ol' heave-ho to Hezbollah’s captain, Hassan Nasrallah, the seas of the Middle East be all a-tumblin'! Will it calm the waters or unleash a tempest? Methinks the scribes be bickerin' over whether lopping off a head really changes the tide. But Israel be swingin' harder than a ship in a squall!
September 30, 2024, 4:00 pm
Avast ye! On the first of October, Governor Tim Walz from Minnesota and Senator JD Vance of Ohio shall clash like two scallywags in a tavern brawl! Hosted by CBS in the bustling streets of New York, the fair maidens Norah and Margaret be settin’ the stage for this grand spectacle at the stroke of nine! Don’t miss it, mateys!
September 30, 2024, 4:00 pm
Arrr, matey! While ye landlubbers were chattin' 'bout Trump and Kamala, the scallywags at the UN snuck in a "Pact for the Future," settlin' the stage for a new world order! Aye, the global elites be laughin' while the press be sleepin'! Yarr, what a fine jest!
September 30, 2024, 3:52 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump, who be withholdin' aid to Puerto Rico ‘n threatenin’ California’s flames, be blamin’ Biden for lettin' the poor souls in North Carolina and Georgia drown in Hurricane Helene’s fury! Aye, the pot be callin’ the kettle black, I say! Har har har!
September 30, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, matey! 'Tis a tough time to find a scallywag less fit fer the captain’s chair than Donald Trump! He be as morally lost as a ship in a fog, lackin’ wisdom, honesty, and all the fine traits needed to steer this vessel straight! Blimey, what a jolly mess!
September 30, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, matey! The New York Times crew be shoutin’ for Vice President Kamala Harris as the “only true patriot,” while callin’ ol' Captain Trump unworthy of a captain’s hat! With but 30 days ‘til the great election duel, the sea be choppy for the White House spoils! Yarrr!
September 30, 2024, 9:08 am
Avast, mateys! The New York Times crew be throwin’ their lot with Vice President Harris to sail into the presidency this fall, settin’ their sights on the scurvy dog Trump! They say he’s as unfit as a landlubber for the captain's chair, all self-interest and no honor! Arrr!
September 30, 2024, 8:15 am
Arrr, matey! Netflix be losin' shiploads o' subscribers when ol' Reed Hastings tossed $7 million into Kamala Harris' treasure chest! The cancelations soared higher than a crow's nest after the news spread, as Trump’s crew urged landlubbers to abandon ship! Aye, ’tis a jolly hullabaloo!
September 30, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, matey! Hurricane Helene be a tempestuous terror, claimin’ 64 souls, includin’ wee twins and their young lass of a mother! The winds be howlin’ like a banshee, remindin’ us that climate be playin’ tricks on us salty sea dogs. Aye, ‘tis a stormy tale for the ages!
September 30, 2024, 4:49 am
Arrr, on the first o' May, two-thousand and twenty, the Canadian seadogs decided to toss 1,500 iron cannons overboard! They laid a plan to snatch back the weapons, all 'cause a scallywag dressed as a Mountie turned the seas red. Aye, a right ruckus, that be!
September 30, 2024, 4:47 am
Arrr, matey! The wily Russian sea lords be claimin’ they shot down a fleet o’ 125 pesky Ukrainian flying contraptions! But alas, a poor landlubber’s flat be hit in Voronezh! In Belgorod, one soul met Davy Jones, while eight others got a right scare! Avast, what a ruckus on the high seas!
September 30, 2024, 4:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! A wee sprinkler gone rogue spilled water on a fiery potion, causin’ a plume and a roof to dance with flames! The good folk of northern Rockdale be told to hunker down or scuttle away, but even the sheriff's matey be unsure how many scallywags fled!
September 29, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, matey! In an election as close as a sailor’s last grog, both crews be scouring the seas fer every last vote. Kamala herself be charm’n the 800,000 Polish American scallywags in Pennsylvania, talkin' 'bout defendin' Ukraine like it be her prized treasure!
September 29, 2024, 4:56 am
Ahoy, mateys! As the presidential squabble brews, both Kamala and the Trumpster be battlin’ for the hearts of the Polish American crew. Harris be bankin' on their Russia grudge, while Trump be swayin' like a ship in a storm. Last week, the Democrats hoisted the sails for a grand call! Arrr!
September 29, 2024, 4:54 am
Arrr, matey! In this here ruckus of a presidential squabble, the scallywags be beggin’ for the fickle voters of the Rusty Belt! Kamala, in a twist, be callin’ on the Polish crew! “Why not chat with the 800,000 Poles?” she says, like a parrot with a treasure map!
September 29, 2024, 3:39 am
Arrr, matey! Tim Walz be shakin’ in his boots ‘bout facin’ JD Vance, just like that fateful Sunday in August when he told Kamala she’d best beware his jabberin’. Rumor has it, he’s quakin’ even more now! The pressure be on, fer this be the grand finale before the big day!
September 28, 2024, 2:32 pm
Arrr! The fearsome captain Nasrallah met his end in a fiery sky raid by them Israeli buccaneers, as confirmed by his scallywags in Beirut! Why should ye care? He was the mightiest swab in Lebanon, a grand puppet in the Middle East, and tight with ol' Iran, savvy?
September 28, 2024, 2:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Israeli lads be claimin' that old Hassan Nasrallah, the scallywag of Hezbollah, met his maker in a ruckus at their lair! Captain Halevi be sayin', "We ain't outta tricks yet! Any landlubber threatenin' Israel best watch their backs, or they’ll be joinin' Nasrallah at Davy Jones' locker!”
September 27, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr! The scallywags at X be shuttin' down a journalistic treasure map, claimin' it be linkin' to a dubious dossier 'bout JD Vance, said to be swiped by the crafty Iranians! And that Ken Klippenstein be walkin' the plank too! When ye search, it be sayin', “try lookin' elsewhere!” Har har!
September 27, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, matey! The tale be spun that Vice President Kamala Harris be readin' from a magic scroll during her chat with the fair Oprah! Aye, in a jolly clip, she be laughin’ and shakin’ hands, whilst words be scrollin’ like a treasure map behind her! Avast, the scandal!
September 27, 2024, 3:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Helene be a ragin’ tempest, sweepin’ through the panhandle like a scallywag on a spree! She knocked out lights for millions and sent 22 souls to Davy Jones’ locker. Trees be uprooted, houses swallowed whole, and rain fell like a cursed treasure from the heavens! Aye, a wild ride indeed!
September 27, 2024, 3:41 pm
Arrr, three scallywags from Iran be caught red-handed, tryin’ to set sail on Trump’s 2024 campaign! They be charged with plunderin' a protected treasure chest o' secrets, fraud, and identity thievery. The FBI be huntin’ ‘em like a ship on the horizon—shiver me timbers!
September 27, 2024, 11:01 am
Ahoy mateys! Newsmax and that scallywag Smartmatic be makin' peace over a defamation squabble just as the jury was settin’ sail! They struck a deal quicker than a crow’s nest spy, keepin’ the treasure of details under lock and key. So raise a glass to quiet seas! Arrr!
September 27, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, me hearties! Smartmatic and that scallywag Newsmax be settlin' their squabble ‘fore the gavel could drop! They be keepin' the details tighter than a treasure map, all while the jury be gatherin’ like gulls round a shipwreck. Aye, dodged a cannonball there!
September 27, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, meet Wild Mother, a lass named Desirée, dwellin' high in the Colorado peaks, spoutin' wellness tales to 80,000 landlubbers while raisin’ her wee lass. She be rootin' for Trump, savvy? Meanwhile, 70 leagues south, Camille be fightin' for equality with a crew of rescue pups, votin' Democrat fer ages! Two ships passin' in the night, they be!
September 27, 2024, 10:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fine thespian Dame Maggie Smith, aged 89, has sailed away to Davy Jones’ locker! This lass, famed for her wizardry in Harry Potter and posh Downton, snagged two shiny Oscars and eight Baftas! Now who’ll wear the pointed hat with such sass? Avast!
September 26, 2024, 7:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala Harris be makin’ Trump’s treasure maps look like tattered sails! In the battlegrounds, she be a-sailin’ ahead by a fair compass, leadin’ in lands like Nevada and Pennsylvania. The election be approachin’, and it seems the winds be favorin’ the lass!
September 26, 2024, 6:59 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be shoutin' from the White House, sayin' he’ll spend all the treasure for Ukraine 'fore he sails away, lest Trump hoists his flag again! With Zelensky by his side, they be schemin' to turn the tide in this salty sea of war! Yarrr!
September 26, 2024, 6:57 pm
Arrr, in the grand halls of Washington, Captain Zelensky be seekin' permission to unleash cannonballs from afar upon the scallywags of Russia! He be thankin' the good folk o' the U.S. for their booty, and tryin' to mend fences with them landlubber Republicans 'fore the elections be settin' sail!
September 26, 2024, 6:41 pm
Arrr, matey! California be sendin' forth an apology fer bein' in cahoots with slavery back in the 19th century and makin' life tough fer Black buccaneers! The good Gov. Newsom be signin' new laws to right the ship o' past wrongs. Aye, better late than never, says I!
September 26, 2024, 3:51 pm
Arrr, in Aurora, where the mayor be a Republican scallywag, he be thinkin’ that Trump be blowin' hot air ‘bout visitin' their mountain cove. “I reckon he won’t show, savvy?” said Mike Coffman, fer we be no battleground and the wind be blowin' in another direction! Ha-ha!
September 26, 2024, 3:47 pm
Arrr, Attorney General Ken Paxton be settin' sail fer another grand tussle 'gainst the fair's rule, keepin' the scallywags from packin' heat! He be petitionin' the Texas Supreme Court, challengein' them judges like a true buccaneer! But alas, the winds be blowin' against him, matey!
September 26, 2024, 3:41 pm
Arrr, mateys! The local scallywags o’ law enforcement be spillin’ the beans! At Trump’s grand shindig in Butler, the Secret Service forgot to ask ‘em to guard the roof where a scoundrel took aim at the big cheese. One officer be sayin’ they had not enough hands on deck for such a hullabaloo!
September 26, 2024, 3:31 pm
Arrr, mateys! A landlubber judge be commandin’ the EPA to ponder the foul effects of fluoride on a sailor's smarts! Judge Chen, a right honorable scallywag, be sayin’ there’s too much risk in our grog! Avast, let’s hoist the sails on this water trouble!
September 26, 2024, 9:32 am
Arrr, matey! In the grand game o’ elections, it be harder than findin’ a buried treasure to trust a scallywag's word! With the seas of politics all stormy, even the crew be doubtin’ the other side’s tales. But ‘tis curious when even his own shipmates be callin’ out Captain Trump’s character! Blimey!
September 26, 2024, 9:29 am
Arrr! After nearly a year o' swashing swords 'twixt Israel and Hezbollah, the yonder U.S. be callin' for a three-week truce. But Captain Netanyahu be sayin', "Nay, we’ll keep fightin’!" Meanwhile, President Biden be tellin' folks, “We got Europe and Arab mates on our side, best not let this scuffle blow up!”
September 26, 2024, 9:25 am
Arrr, matey! Israel be tossin' aside peace like a moldy biscuit, defyin' even the big ol' U.S. callin' for a truce! Warbirds be rainin' fire 'round Beirut, while the landlubbers be pretendin’ to invade. It be a right ruckus, with Hezbollah shakin' in their boots like scallywags!
September 26, 2024, 9:14 am
Arrr, mateys! Congress be settin’ sail on a treasure of funds to keep the government afloat, after them House scallywags tossed Trump’s fancy demand fer proof o’ citizenship like a rotten fish! The Senate be givin’ it the ol’ thumbs up, while some landlubbers be grumblin’. Avast, what a merry crew!
September 25, 2024, 9:06 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The tale be told of Mayor Eric Adams, caught in a tempest o' corruption! Rumors swirl he be chumming with the Turkish scallywags for gold doubloons! And whispers say he be pushin’ fire lords to green-light a tall ship, er, high-rise, ‘gainst safety be damned! Aye, what a jolly mess!
September 25, 2024, 9:03 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On the morrow, them scallywags in Manhattan be layin' charges upon Mayor Adams, the captain of New York’s ship! He be sayin’, "I knew I’d be a target fer standin' tall fer me crew! If they be accusin' me, I be as innocent as a parrot on me shoulder!"
September 25, 2024, 9:03 pm
Arrr! Mayor Eric Adams be caught in a stormy sea o’ trouble, indicted by a grand jury fer some shady dealings! Come Thursday, the scallywag’s fate be revealed by the US Attorney. He be givin’ himself up next week, claimin’, “I thought I could outsmart the tide!” Ha!
September 25, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr! A congress lass from New York, known fer givin' the ol' heave-ho to her own crew, be demandin' that Mayor Adams walk the plank! After a fleet o' raids on his mates, she says, "How can the cap'n keep navigatin' New York's waters?" Har har!
September 25, 2024, 3:01 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Israel be givin’ Hezbollah a right good thumpin’, but the size o’ the blow be as murky as a foggy night. This here scallywag keeps its cannonry close to the vest, with Iran bein’ the crafty parrot squawkin’ in its ear! Avast, let’s peer into their battle might!
September 25, 2024, 2:59 pm
Arrr, matey! Russia be cookin' up a scheme with China, conjurin' long-range flying contraptions to rain down mischief on Ukraine. They be callin' their beastie the Garpiya-3, crafted by crafty hands. Aye, the seas of war be gettin' rowdy, savvy?
September 25, 2024, 2:58 pm
Arrr, matey! If ye be seekin’ a jest, let me spin ye a yarn: Why did the parrot join the crew? To squawk “Polly wants a cracker!” and steal all me rum! Har har! Life on the high seas be a barrel o’ laughs, but I’ll be keepin’ me grog, savvy?
September 25, 2024, 2:42 pm
Arrr! The captain o’ the Haitian crew be hoistin’ the Jolly Roger against that scallywag Trump and his matey Vance! They be blamin’ ‘em for the ruckus in Springfield since the rogue spread tall tales ‘bout honest pirates—err, immigrants! After the local landlubber did naught, they be takin’ matters into their own hands!
September 25, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, matey! Bullets flew at Vice President Kamala’s lair in Arizona, just after a scallywag tried for Trump’s head again! The DNC's den be all shot up, but fear not, no souls were inside during the witching hour. Aye, it be a strange tide we sail upon!
September 25, 2024, 10:21 am
Avast, mateys! Captain Trump sailed his flying beast to Asheboro’s lush hills come August's end, after a scallywag aimed cannon fire at him! His grand ship, Trump Force One, soared above cheerin’ crew. With a MAGA tricorn and a hearty fist pump, he crooned to the crowd, shoutin’ praise for the local swashbuckler!
September 25, 2024, 9:30 am
Arrr, matey! The Senate crew be spoutin’ a fierce tale 'bout the Secret Service’s blunders at the Trump shindig in Butler! They had chances aplenty to thwart the shootin’, but instead, let chaos reign! Aye, the report be callin' it a right scallywag mess, all due to poor chatter 'mongst the crew!
September 25, 2024, 8:15 am
Arrr, matey! Social Security be the treasure chest for many a retired soul, but alas, it be sinkin’ faster than a leaky ship! Both Captain Harris and Cap’n Trump swear they got a map to fix it, but time be slippin’ away like rum in a storm!
September 25, 2024, 3:11 am
Ahoy mateys! A grand survey o' nearly 280,000 young scallywags reveals a spike in troublesome social media frolickin' since the plague hit! From 7% to 11%, these rascals be more hooked than a fish on a line! England, Scotland, and Wales be chartin' the course fer trouble!
September 25, 2024, 3:03 am
Arrr, the brawny union captain, with the manners of a barnacle and a tongue like a cannon, be a rare breed indeed! In this land o' soft words and polished boots, he be likin' a ghost from the days of yore. Sean O’Brien be a relic, shoutin’ praises for the Donald like a true sea dog!
September 25, 2024, 3:02 am
Arrr, matey! The lad spawnin' from Ryan Routh be caught red-handed hoardin’ a treasure map o’ wickedness! As the lawmen ransacked his quarters in Guilford, they stumbled upon more mischief than a buccaneer’s chest! “Blimey!” he be sayin’, “I despise this cursed game every four years!”
September 25, 2024, 2:58 am
Arrr, mateys! A wise seadog be claimin’ them states that let ye wager on sportin’ should hoist the anchor and ban it again! Since 2012, the scallywags be bettin’ a cool billion a month, but all it brought be shipwrecked wallets and stormy homes! Aye, not a treasure in taxes, either!
September 24, 2024, 3:15 pm
Ahoy, mateys! The good Captain Newsom be sayin' no more cell phone hijinks in California’s schools, lest ye be walkin’ the plank! Aye, the law be signed, and those rascally young scallywags must stow their smartphones while learnin' the ropes. Arrr, let the swashbucklin’ education commence!
September 24, 2024, 2:16 pm
Arrr, matey! Word be blowin' that the spawn of a scallywag suspected of tryin' to off ol' Trump has been nabbed for hoardin' vile images of a most wicked sort! It seems the lad’s treasure trove be full o' filth, much to the chagrin of the law!
September 24, 2024, 2:09 pm
Arrr, matey! Elon’s X be swabbin’ the deck after Brazil’s court gave ‘em a stern talkin’ to, while Pavel’s Telegram be takin’ a similar course, lest they walk the plank! Turns out, even the fiercest buccaneers must heed the law o’ the land to keep their treasure safe!
September 24, 2024, 2:07 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A fresh scroll from Greenline Insights be makin' a ruckus! If Initiative 2117 gets the thumbs down, the treasure chest be lighter by $3.9 billion by 2029! No shiny doubloons for transit, fishy safety, or makin' the air less stinky! Blimey, what a pickle!
September 24, 2024, 9:16 am
Arrr, matey! The Pentagon be sendin' more scallywags to the Middle East as tempers flare hotter than a cannonball! After them Israeli airstrikes took down 350 souls in Lebanon, a few dozen brave lads be settin' sail to guard their fellow countrymen. But shiver me timbers, the General's keepin' the numbers close to his chest!
September 24, 2024, 8:15 am
Arrr matey! A ruckus brews in this election sea, with voters on one side and economists on the other! The scallywags Harris and Trump be singin’ sweet tunes to the masses, while the learned blokes be clutchin’ their pearls in horror. Aye, 79% be cheerin’ for no tax on tips!
September 24, 2024, 7:40 am
Arrr, the fine chamber where Captain Zelensky be plotting with his mates be a dark nook, no portholes to see the sky! A grand table be takin' up most space, with shadowy screens a'glowin'. As I lounged, awaitin' his presence, I heard his voice, smooth as rum, before he swaggered in, clad in his trusty black garb!
September 24, 2024, 7:40 am
Arrr, matey! ‘Tis rare for Captain Volodymyr to be as silent as a ghost ship! From jester to ruler, he’s now tighter-lipped than a clam at high tide. Rumor has it he’s brewing a cunning plan for the Yanks, but shiver me timbers, he’s keepin’ it under wraps!
September 24, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, a scallywag from Nebraska be standin' firm against swappin' how they be divvyin' up them electoral doubloons! Trump and his mateys be hopin' for a sneaky haul of an extra vote, but this landlubber be sayin', "Nay, ye won’t be plunderin' our system!" Yarrr!
September 24, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, me hearties! Trump be callin' Sen. McDonnell a "Grandstander!" fer not lettin' the good ship Electoral College sail in his favor! What be this scallywag thinkin'? Standin’ in the way of a grand victory be like makin’ a parrot walk the plank! Aye, what a comical crew!
September 24, 2024, 4:13 am
Arrr! On the high seas of politics, Captain Trump be shoutin' that if John Deere be settin' sail to Mexico, he’ll hoist a 200% tariff on their fine goods! Aye, that be a hefty price for abandonin' the ship! So listen well, ye landlubbers!
September 24, 2024, 4:11 am
Arrr, matey! Texas' Attorney General Ken Paxton be settin’ sail against the Biden crew, takin’ umbrage at their fancy labelin’ of a wee lizard, barely three inches long, as endangered. This scaly rascal be loungin’ in the oil-rich sands of Texas! A true treasure, aye!
September 23, 2024, 4:22 pm
Arrr, matey! In yon land of the U.S., a mere 5% o' single-use plastic finds its way back to Davy Jones' locker! California’s bravest, AG Rob Bonta, be takin' ExxonMobil to task fer bein' a scallywag in the great plastic mess! Aye, a tale of deceit so tall, it’d make a landlubber blush!
September 23, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr! Captain Trump be swearin' to sail to Aurora, Colorado, claimin' Argentinian scallywags have seized the lodgin's! But the hearty Republican mayor be rollin' out the welcome mat, hopin' to prove it be naught but a fanciful tale! Avast, let the swashbucklin' begin!
September 23, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Egypt be sendin' aid to Somalia, a fine show o' support fer the Horn o' Africa! A shipment's docked in Mogadishu, helpin' our sister nation find peace 'n fightin' off them pesky landlubbers. The Foreign Ministry be chattin' about security 'n unity, savvy?
September 23, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, on the high seas of Caracas, young Bleider Leves, a lad of seventeen summers, be snatched by the lawless crew! They laid him low with beatings and jailin’, all without a stitch of reason. Two moons later, still he be locked up, while his mum be wringin' her hands! Avast!
September 23, 2024, 10:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scallywag in fancy duds took a wee jab at himself with his own blunderbuss while on duty! The crew be sayin' it was a secret agent, but nay, just a clumsy matey! No other souls be harmed, just a bit of a ruckus!
September 23, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, matey! In the land o' swashbucklin' exiles, a curious question be floatin' about: be Kamala Harris a scallywag commie? The scuttlebutt be spreadin’ like wildfire, claimin’ she’s a socialist sorceress! Aye, ‘tis a riddle fueled by fears from those who’ve fled tyrants on the high seas!
September 23, 2024, 10:20 am
Avast, me hearties! Israel be blastin' 300 targets in Lebanon, seekin' to sink them scallywags’ Russian boom-sticks! Civilians, ye best be runnin' from the blastin' zones! After a weekend of pesky rockets rainin’ down on our fair ports, the skies be chokin’ with cannon fire! Arrr!
September 23, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, matey! Companies be shiverin' in their boots 'fore tossin' crew overboard these days! Good tidin's for ye landlubbers, for layin' off be a stormy sea fer yer pocket! The labor market be holdin' steady, unlike when the plague struck and they flung more than 13 million souls to the briny deep!
September 23, 2024, 5:24 am
Arrr, matey! A rascally lad at Gettysburg College be accused of etchin’ a foul curse upon his swim mate’s chest with a box cutter! The scallywag be gone from the crew, while the poor sod with the mark be docked from swimmin’! A right troublesome tale, I say!
September 23, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr mateys! A scallywag caught etchin' a foul word on another lad's chest be no longer sailin' the halls of Gettysburg College! Anne Ehrlich, the captain o' campus life, be sendin' word o' the nearing end o' this squabble. Aye, let the winds blow fair!
September 23, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr, matey! Two scallywags from that Gettysburg College swim crew be walkin' the plank after word came that a foul racial mark was etched on a lad’s hide with some sharp tool! The officials be sayin’ it’s a matter of great concern, savvy? The seas of justice be takin’ its course!
September 23, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, in the wee hours o' Sunday morn, them scallywags of Hezbollah let loose near 150 fiery cannonballs at northern Israel! Most be caught in the air, savvy? They be claimin' to target the Ramat David airbase, seekin' revenge for some boom-booms blamed on Israel. One rocket gave a wee bit o' mischief!
September 22, 2024, 3:14 pm
Arrr! Israeli mateys be stormin' the Al Jazeera cove in the West Bank, shoutin' for it to be closed fer 45 days! After raiding the treasure trove in East Jerusalem, they be makin’ it clear: no news for ye! Aye, the seas of information be turbulent indeed!
September 22, 2024, 3:13 pm
Arrr, matey! The Israeli buccaneers stormed the Al Jazeera den in Ramallah, plundered their shiny gadgets, and shut 'em down for 45 days! They claimed the news scallywags be stirrin' up trouble during a live show! Blimey, who knew news could be such a ruckus?
September 22, 2024, 2:22 pm
Arrr, matey! On Friday, the federal scallywags stormed the abode of Commissioner Donlon, just after his mate Caban was sent to Davy Jones' locker! Donlon be claimin’ they took ol’ trinkets from two decades past, nothin’ to do with his policing shenanigans. A fine mess indeed!
September 22, 2024, 2:15 pm
Avast, matey! Rep. Chrissy Houlahan be sayin’ that it be vital fer the scallywags investigatin’ the attempts on old Trump’s life to sail swift and together! We be needin’ to know what be goin’ on to keep the seas calm and the trust of the good folk intact, arrr!
September 21, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, me hearties! Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson be claimin' he ain't no scallywag in a scandal 'bout naughty scrollin'! He swears he’ll still chase the crown of the Old North State, despite chatters of him bein’ a “black NAZI” and peepin’ on lasses! What a salty tale, indeed!
September 21, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags o’ the Republican crew be ponderin’ the storm brewin’ fer Captain Trump, as word sails in ‘bout Lt. Gov. Robinson's scandalous ramblings on a randy website! Aye, ‘tis a jest fit to make a parrot blush! Slavery, ye say? Blimey! What a hullabaloo!
September 20, 2024, 3:22 pm
Avast ye! Sen. JD Vance be catchin’ flack fer spoutin’ tall tales 'bout Haitian scallywags snatchin' up pets in Springfield! Now, he’s tossin' blame at Vice President Kamala Harris, sayin' her crew be causin' all sorts o' mischief. Arrr, blame it on the winds o’ change, I say!
September 20, 2024, 3:16 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags of the pro-abortion crew and the rumor-mongers be spinning tales anew! They be blamin' a Georgia law for the fates of two lasses, when ‘tis the nasty abortion potion—set loose by the FDA—that led to Amber's misfortune and the remnants of her wee ones!
September 20, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Word be blowin' o' Rep. Matt Gaetz, a scallywag from Florida, struttin' 'bout a soirée with a lass o' seventeen, amidst tales of scandalous shenanigans! ‘Twas said there be powders and potions aplenty, and three landlubbers be spillin’ the beans on this raucous revelry! Avast!
September 20, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Biden be spoutin' that he ain't parleyed with his treasure keeper, Powell, since claimin' the throne. But shiver me timbers, that be a tall tale! They crossed swords in May 2022, aye! Now he blabbers 'bout inflation droppin' like a cannonball!
September 19, 2024, 3:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! The landlubber who once guarded a thousand leagues o’ frontier be claimin’ the Biden-Harris crew be hidin’ the truth ‘bout the ruckus o’ migrants! Ex-Captain Heitke be spillin’ the beans to the scallywags in Congress, sayin’ the White House be tryin’ to hush up the whole squall! Arrr!
September 19, 2024, 1:58 pm
Arrr, matey! The German crew be tightenin' their border sails, but fear not! They ain't battenin' down the hatches fer six moons! Some scallywags be spreadin' tall tales on the Facebook seas. Aye, security’s up, but the borders be still open for business!
September 19, 2024, 1:56 pm
ARRR, me hearties! The scallywags be sayin' Trump’s conjurin' a crew to spy on all bun in the oven! But nay, that be a fanciful tale spun by Kamala and Tim. Just a jest, like a parrot in a frock, it be! So hoist the sails and ignore the bilge!
September 19, 2024, 1:53 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be spewin’ yarns like a drunken sailor! Not just yer common political bluster, but wild tall tales unmoored from the truth, like a ship lost at sea! His ramblings 'bout immigrants in Springfield be as fishy as a barnacle-covered treasure! Avast, what a rogue!
September 19, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, two years aft that scallywag Nixon declared war on the devil's brew, he be spillin’ the beans to his crew in the Oval Office! In March '73, he be admitin’ that Mary Jane ain't no fearsome fiend. Aye, the captain of the ship be shiverin’ in his boots!
September 19, 2024, 9:13 am
Arrr, when scallywags be claimin’ to shut the borders tight, they be squawkin’ ‘bout the gold immigrants be costin’. But blow me down! Recent reckonin’ shows them foreign folks be spendin’ less doubloons on health than landlubbers! Why, they be usin’ Medicaid like it’s grog at a tavern!
September 19, 2024, 9:11 am
Avast, me hearties! This summer, sneaky Iranian scallywags plundered secrets from Captain Trump's crew and sent 'em to the Biden buccaneers! The wise folk of the National Intelligence and the FBI be spillin’ the beans. ‘Twas a right ruckus in June and July, I tell ye! Arrr!
September 19, 2024, 9:09 am
Arrr, matey! A fleet o' landlubber Jews be settin' sail fer Israel, explorin' the wreckage o' Nova and charred kibbutzim, ponderin' the Oct. 7 attack. While they boost the treasure o' tourism, some scallywags be sayin' it be blindin' 'em to the plight o' Gazans, bombs a-fallin' nearby!
September 18, 2024, 8:15 pm
Arrr, on the high seas of news, the scurvy dogs o' the FBI be spillin’ the beans! Iran, that crafty sea serpent, be sendin’ stolen treasure from the Trump campaign to Biden’s lot, tryin’ to stir the pot! Emails flyin’ faster than cannonballs, yarr!
September 18, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arrr, matey! On the morrow, the Justice Department be settin' sail with a lawsuit against the scallywag who ran his vessel into the Francis Scott Key Bridge! They be demandin’ a treasure of $100 million for the bridge's downfall, which sent six poor souls to Davy Jones' locker!
September 18, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags o' the Teamsters be sayin' they won’t be throwin’ their lot with any captain in the 2024 race! No love for the lass Kamala, nor the blaggard Trump! Seems the crew’s got no consensus 'mongst 'em! Avast, what a rumble!
September 18, 2024, 4:36 pm
Arrr, matey! The Brotherhood o' Teamsters be hoistin' no sail for a presidential scallywag this Wednesday! Their secret treasure map o’ votes shows the crew favorin' Trump over the fair lass Harris. First time in thirty moons they be sailin' solo, savvy? A right jolly surprise, it be!
September 18, 2024, 3:34 pm
Arrr! The former missus o' Kamala's mate be swingin' her cutlass once more! After that scallywag Sanders jabbed at our fair Vice President fer lackin' wee ones of her own, Kerstin be rushin’ to her side like a true matey! Aye, the seas be rough with jests!
September 18, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, matey! On the morn of Wednesday, news spread o' a devilish plot by Israel, as a thousand pagers o' those scallywags in Hezbollah went kaboom all at once! They be swappin’ their old trinkets, only to find their new toys be dancin’ to the tune of 3:30! Aye!
September 18, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast, mateys! The scallywags at Gold Apollo Co. be pointin' fingers at BAC Consulting, claimin' they be the ones who crafted the cursed pagers what led to a right ruckus in Lebanon! Hsu Kuang, the captain of this ship, be sayin' they handled all the tinkerin'! Arrr!
September 18, 2024, 9:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! News be flyin' faster than a cannonball! Rumors from Lebanon speak of blasts a’plenty, not just in the Dahiyeh cove! Looks like them scallywags from Hezbollah be playin’ with mischief devices, not th' usual pagers. Aye, the sea be full of surprises!
September 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, ‘twas over twenty moons past, when hearty lads and lasses o’ the same love be shunned from the military and no land be wedlockin' ‘em. So, a crew o’ rights buccaneers set sail, scorin’ companies on how fair they treat their own mateys!
September 18, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrr, mateys! Stanley Black & Decker, them scallywags behind Craftsman and DEWALT, be tossin' their diversity sails overboard! That rogue Robby Starbuck be stirrin' the pot, makin' ‘em fear the plank! They be forgettin’ their DEI treasure map and sailin’ straight for the conservative seas! Avast, what a jest!
September 18, 2024, 3:48 am
Arrr, matey! Hillary, the queen of the blame game, be bellowin’ that any scallywag spreadin’ “tall tales” should swing from the yardarm! Seems she’s still sore 'bout that Russian ruckus that gave ol' Trump a lift in the last skirmish. Aye, the seas of politics be a treacherous tide!
September 18, 2024, 3:45 am
Arrr! The Secret Service be not havin’ a proper scheme to guard Captain Trump at the infirmary post that ruckus in Butler! After the ruckus at his summer shindig, the head honcho walked the plank! Lawmakers be cryin’ for answers whilst a band of scallywags be investigatin’!
September 17, 2024, 12:53 pm
Arrr! On the morrow, Vice President Kamala Harris be joinin’ a merry band o’ scribes from the National Association of Black Journalists in Philly! At half-past two, she’ll be chattin’ with Gerren, Eugene, and Tonya, shiver me timbers! Let the jolly banter commence! Avast!
September 17, 2024, 12:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A band o' scallywags clashin' with cutlasses in Southend-on-Sea, they be born o' the very sands! Contrary to the landlubber chatter on the seas of social media, these knaves be locals! Aye, some be wearin' balaclavas while takin' swings at a poor ol' ship's carriage! Ha-ha!
September 17, 2024, 12:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The gall of that landlubber Kamala, claimin’ no brave souls be in battle! But lo and behold, the valiant crew o’ the U.S. Military be ready to set the record straight! Not a single scallywag in combat, eh? Aye, she be talkin’ tall tales, fer sure!
September 17, 2024, 12:25 pm
Arrr! Ye be needin' a secret code of six characters, mixin’ big ‘n small letters with a number, savvy? Ye must be 18 winters or older to join this crew. Already aboard? Sign in, matey! Click "Create Account" if ye be sure yer info be shipshape, and mind the rules ‘n all that rigmarole!
September 17, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, matey! On a fateful Tuesday, the pagers of Hezbollah scallywags went boom, injurin' over 2,700 and sendin' eight to Davy Jones’ locker! Seems their shiny new gadgets were cursed, bein’ the work of a mischievous malware! Aye, talk about a real blast of a day!
September 17, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, matey! The U.S. be denyin’ Venezuela’s wild tales o’ treachery! They be claimin’ to seek fair winds for democracy, not to sink Maduro’s ship! Meanwhile, ol’ Diosdado be blabberin’ ‘bout a CIA plot like a parrot with a cracked beak! A right jolly mess, I say!
September 17, 2024, 10:16 am
Avast ye! The land o' the free be laughin' at Venezuela's tall tales o' CIA scallywags tryin' to send Maduro to Davy Jones' locker. Three Yanks, two Spaniards, and a Czech were nabbed fer stirrin' up trouble, claimin' the CIA be the captain o' this mischief! Arrr!
September 17, 2024, 10:11 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubber Diosdado Cabello, claimin’ to be the big cheese in Venezuela, caught three scallywags from the States, sayin’ they aimed to send the ol’ sea dog Maduro to Davy Jones’ locker! Blamin’ the CIA without a scrap o’ proof—talk about a right jolly rum tale!
September 17, 2024, 5:27 am
Arrr, matey! Ukraine be sayin’ Routh ain't no scallywag linked to them dastardly plots against Trump. Last year, this old salt claimed he’d be ready to battle and meet Davy Jones in Ukraine! Aye, he even be film’n tales of independence, but now he’s in the brig! What a laugh!
September 17, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, mateys! Troubled sea dog Sean “Diddy” Combs found himself in the clutches of the law at a New York tavern, caught up in a scandal as murky as Davy Jones' locker! The scallywag sailed in, expectin’ a shackle or two, and the federal crew obliged! Har har har!
September 17, 2024, 5:23 am
Avast ye! An overgrown patch of sky on yon wee isle, once key to bamboozlin’ the Japs in the big war, be under the U.S. Air Force’s eye again, preparin' fer a tussle with China! Tinian be but a tiny gem in the Pacific’s treasure chest, savvy? Arrr!
September 17, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr, matey! A Texas jury be settin' sail soon to decide if a band of Trumpin' scallywags gave a right fright to Wendy Davis and her crew aboard the Biden-Harris ship. The “Trump Train” be boxin' 'em in fer an hour on the wild Texas seas! The trial be chuggin' on!
September 16, 2024, 2:15 pm
Arrr matey! A scallywag from the lefty fact-checkin’ crew, PolitiFact, be tryin’ to scuttle The Federalist’s tale o’ Haitian swashbucklers huntin’ geese in Springfield. Loreben Tuquero, the mischief-maker, be known for hidin' far-left shenanigans under a Jolly Roger of whitewashin’. Avast, the sea o’ nonsense be deep!
September 16, 2024, 2:08 pm
Arrr, matey! It be lookin' like a second swashbucklin' attempt on Captain Trump’s life in but two moons! Rumors be flyin' faster than cannonballs about scallywag Ryan Routh and his motives. Shots rang out whilst the ol' sea dog was swingin' clubs at Trump National—fear not, he be safe at his treasure trove!
September 16, 2024, 2:07 pm
Arrr, matey! The @KamalaHQ account be a scallywag of deceit, playin' tricks on the masses! With over 1.3 million landlubbers followin', they be snippin' clips and spreadin' tall tales to poke fun at the former captain, Donald Trump. A merry jester on the high seas of social media, indeed!
September 16, 2024, 1:56 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On the 16th day o' September, TikTok and its scallywag parent, ByteDance, be settin' sail for a court battle! If they don’t sell their treasure by January 19, 2025, they be walkin' the plank, banished from the seas of mobile apps! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
September 16, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, mateys! On the high seas o' politics, a second scallywag tried to send Donald Trump to Davy Jones' locker whilst he be swingin' his clubs! A sharp-eyed Secret Service swab spotted a cannon in the brambles, lettin' loose on the knave! A right frightful tale o’ treachery, indeed!
September 16, 2024, 11:45 am
Gail Collins: Avast, Bret! I be itchin' to chat 'bout the grand debate and such political tomfoolery, but first — a wee bit o' attempted murder! Bret Stephens: Aye, this be the wrong kind o' "déjà vu," if ye catch me drift. Gail: 'Tis a dark day when "but first — attempted murder" be the norm. Let’s unfurl this tale, matey!
September 16, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, matey! Violence be no fit cutlass fer the seas of politics in America, yet here we be, squabblin' over another plot to send Trump to Davy Jones' locker whilst he swung his clubs! Fear not, for the scallywag be unscathed, and the tale be only just settin' sail!
September 16, 2024, 8:10 am
Arrr, ye be thinkin’ a wee bag o' Cheetos be naught but rubbish, eh? But lo! In the depths of Carlsbad Caverns, those crunchy morsels be a feast for tiny critters! Aye, 'tis world-shakin'—mold be sproutin' like treasure on a sunken ship! A snack that be settin' the underworld abuzz!
September 16, 2024, 4:53 am
Arrr, matey! Ryan Wesley Routh, a scallywag o' 58 summers, found himself in the brig fer plotin' against the ol' captain, Trump! He be shoutin' on the seas of X, ready to sail to Ukraine and meet Davy Jones, fightin' like a true landlubber gone mad! Har har!
September 16, 2024, 4:53 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag tried to off the cap’n Trump at his golfin’ haven in Palm Beach! They be sayin' the ruffian be Ryan Wesley Routh from Hawaii. The FBI be tight-lipped, but the bushes be holdin’ more than just leaves—mayhap a gun barrel or two! Yarr!
September 16, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag, aged 58, be brandishin’ an AK-47 at Cap’n Trump whilst he swung his clubs! Caught quicker than a fish in a net, he be! The Secret Service fired upon him, thinkin’ he be a menace to the high seas of golf! A right jolly ruckus, I say!
September 15, 2024, 4:41 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be safe, though gunfire blazed near his fairway! Secret Service scallywags spied a landlubber with a rifle, but they let loose their own shots. The knave tried to skedaddle, but now he be in irons—his weapon snatched away! Aye, what a ruckus on the greens!
September 15, 2024, 4:21 pm
Arrr, mateys! The FBI be settin’ sail to West Palm Beach, where an attempted whackin’ of ol’ Trump be afoot! Fear not, fer the former captain be safe after a cannon blast at his golf cove. The Secret Service let fly at the scallywag! Aye, a right ruckus!
September 15, 2024, 4:18 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be shiverin’ in his boots as the Secret Service let fly at a scallywag brandishin’ a blunderbuss outside his treasure trove o’ golf! They’ve nabbed the knave, likely up to no good, and not just a rogue with a shiny piece! Avast, what a day!
September 15, 2024, 8:08 am
Arrr, five turns o’ the sun ago, Laura Loomer, a fierce lass with a tongue like a cutlass, sought to brand her jolly antics in the realm of political squabblin'. She dubbed her sneaky ambush, “Loomered,” like a pirate plunderin’ treasure! Aye, she be a true swashbuckler of the internet seas!
September 15, 2024, 8:07 am
Arrr! The notorious lass Laura Loomer, a right-minded scallywag, be sailin’ alongside Captain Trump, stirrin’ the pot o’ doubt amongst even the most loyal crew! Known for her wild tales 'bout Muslin scallywags and her belief the government be behind the great 9/11 ruckus, she be a fine matey fer trouble!
September 15, 2024, 8:05 am
Arrr! Laura Loomer, the so-called “snoopin’ scribe,” be swabbin’ the decks ‘round Trumpy’s ship o’ state! Spotted disembarkin’ his vessel on debate day and lurkin’ in his wake durin’ the rememberin’ of 9/11. Some scallywags be shiverin' in their boots! Aye, she’s a tempestuous lass!
September 15, 2024, 6:44 am
Arrr! Three landlubbers from the good ol’ U.S. of A be among 37 scallywags sentenced to meet Davy Jones after a botched coup in Congo! On that fateful day, armed ruffians took over the king's office, but alas, their captain met a swift end. Aye, the Malanga lads and their matey Tyler be in a pickle!
September 13, 2024, 7:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Pope Francis be sayin’ that ye landlubbers must choose the “lesser scallywag” in the presidential brawl! Aboard his flying ship, he be urging ye to cast yer vote, lest ye be walkin’ the plank of bad decisions! Vote ye must, or face Davy Jones!
September 13, 2024, 6:59 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Pope Francis be sayin’ the U.S. folks be caught between the devil and the deep blue sea in their election! Trump be a scallywag for his anti-migrant ways, and that lass Harris be no angel with her abortion beliefs. Which be the lesser evil? Blimey, I’m stumped!
September 13, 2024, 6:59 pm
Arrr, the good Pope be throwin' shade at that scallywag Trump and the lady Vice President Harris! He be callin’ their ways against life, sayin’ voters should pick the least cursed soul when castin’ their ballots. Savvy? A right merry election it be!
September 13, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr, matey! The court of Brazil be takin’ three million doubloons from Elon’s ships, X and Starlink! A judge be sayin’ "avast!" to the social media app fer not payin’ its dues and ignorin’ the law. Justice de Moraes and Musk be squabblin’ like scallywags! Har har!
September 13, 2024, 4:23 pm
Arrr, matey! Fear be plaguin' yon Ohio town, where Trump be blamin' them Haitian scallywags fer makin' off with furry pets! Schools be shut tight like a treasure chest, and even City Hall be dimmer than a bilge rat’s smile. Avast, what a hullabaloo!
September 13, 2024, 4:20 pm
Arrr, after the ruckus of debate, the landlubbers still be flounderin’! Trump’s charm shone bright, while Kamala managed not to become a stew of gibberish! Polls be sayin’, the scallywag be back to 61% favored fer the treasure of the Electoral College! Avast, the winds of fortune blow his way!
September 13, 2024, 4:19 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Ye be granted passage, so clutch yer quill and read on! At the Shanksville Fire Brigade, the cap'n jested with the crew, snatching a hat as he quipped, “Aye, I be needin' this!” When asked for his mark, he roared, “Nay, but don the hat, ye scallywag!” Aye, laughter be the treasure!
September 13, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, mateys! On this fine Thursday, Captain Trump declared he’d be slashing the tax booty on overtime gold, should he reclaim the captain's chair! He’s already promised to free tips and social security from the taxman’s grasp! Aye, those brave souls workin’ late are true swashbucklers of toil!
September 13, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Laura Loomer be threatenin’ to spill the beans on Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene after she dared to call Loomer’s jibes on Kamala’s heritage “racist”! It all started when Loomer, that cheeky landlubber, said the White House'd smell of curry if Harris took the helm! Har har!
September 13, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, matey! The Swedish landlubbers be offerin’ wayward souls a hearty sum of 350,000 kronor—‘tis like findin’ treasure—if they scuttle back to their homelands come 2026! The Migration Captain Forssell be chortlin’ ‘bout a grand ol’ change in their sailin’ ways! Har har!
September 13, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, matey! Over 90% o' that scallywag fentanyl be caught at the legal docks, like airports and watchful border gates, say the landlubbers at Homeland Security! AllSides be givin' a nod to Gigafact, a crew o' news brigands debunkin' tall tales. Set yer sails for Wisconsin Watch fer the full yarn!
September 13, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast ye! A band o' 42 attorney buccaneers be shiverin' their timbers, demandin' Congress slap Surgeon General warnings on them cursed social media contraptions! They claim it be fightin' a mental health tempest among young scallywags. Aye, they penned a missive to the mighty House Speaker on the 9th day of September! Arrr!
September 13, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr matey! ‘Tis a right task to wrangle 42 states into a single chorus! But a band of legal buccaneers be demandin’ Congress to slap warnings on them scallywag social media apps, lest we see our young scalawags lost to addiction and madness. Aye, we all want the wee ones safe!
September 12, 2024, 7:15 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Rumor hath it that Biden be sportin’ a Trump hat fit for a scallywag! "Biden Wears Trumpy Hat," says the post, makin’ us wonder if the seas be truly mad! Aye, the tale's spread like a wild storm, but some landlubbers be doubtin’ its truth! Arrr!
September 12, 2024, 6:59 pm
Arrr, matey! A tale spun on the Threads be sayin’ that the fair Vice President Kamala Harris be raisin’ taxes on long-term treasure, but fear not! Only them with a chest o’ gold totaling a million doubloons or more be feelin’ the pinch. Aye, the middle class be safe!
September 12, 2024, 3:34 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at the Massachusetts Institute o' Technology be sayin’ their fresh-faced crew be less diverse this year, thanks to the Supreme Court’s decree last summer. Dean Schmill be spillin’ the beans that only 16 outta a hundred be Black, Hispanic, or other fine folk. Avast!
September 12, 2024, 3:31 pm
Arrr, matey! The latest scrolls reveal that since the high court be raisin’ the anchor on affirmative action, Black enrollment be takin’ a nosedive at some fine schools! Some places be seein’ wild ups and downs, while others be sailin’ smoothly. Aye, the seas of education be rough!
September 12, 2024, 2:35 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywag Weinstein be in a pickle, charged anew but the details be locked tighter than a treasure chest! The court be buzzin’, but he be missin’, havin' a heart scare fit for a landlubber! His lawyer claims he be still as weak as a shipwrecked sailor!
September 12, 2024, 2:29 pm
Arrr mateys! We be freebooters of truth, unshackled by the scallywags o' the mainstream! While they peddle their divisive drivel and hide the treasure of corruption, we hoist the flag of honest reporting! Join our crew at The Post Millennial, and let’s plunder the seas of political correctness together!
September 12, 2024, 10:59 am
Ahoy, mateys! This here November, a bounty o' abortion measures be settin' sail on state ballots, tryin' to guard the rights o' fair lasses! But scallywags be stirrin' trouble before the cannon's fired, with legal tricks and threats galore. In Missouri, the landlubber secretary tried to scuttle a measure, yet the court be forced him to hoist it back up!
September 12, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, a wealthy sea dog and a clever tinkerer be the first landlubbers to brave the vast black sea o' stars! Jared and Sarah, clad in fancy suits, took their merry stroll outside the SpaceX ship. "Home be a busy port, but down yonder, Earth be a right bonnie sight!" said Jared, grinning.
September 12, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, matey! Kamala Harris be lackin’ the needed traits fer a fine captain! Picture a landlubber from a century past, plunderin’ our time. After gaping at them swirling meat logs of gyros, ye tell him ‘bout a rogue sailor runnin’ for the crown, a scallywag with a felon’s mark! "Well, shiver me timbers..."
September 12, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr, the morn after Labor Day, the polls be blarney, with Trump and Harris caught in a scuffle as fierce as a knife fight in a cramped cabin! Young Hadley Duvall be munchin’ her grub in Arizona, lookin’ as calm as a cat on a sunny deck, ready to set sail for battle!
September 12, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! A motley crew o' election swabs be shoutin' from the crow's nest 'bout the Postal Service bein' slower than a barnacle-covered ship! Ballots be showin' up later than a landlubber at a rum party! They penned a message to Captain DeJoy, warnin' him o' the storm brewin'!
September 12, 2024, 5:21 am
Avast, me hearties! An Ohio swabbe be tellin' Trump to haul anchor and stop usin' his lad's tragic demise for political treasure! Young Aiden met Davy Jones 'cause of a bus mishap, not some scallywag from Haiti! Keep yer hands off, ye landlubber!
September 12, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! That scallywag Laura Loomer, claimin' to be a “journalist,” be lurkin’ 'round Captain Trump like a barnacle on a ship! Spotted disembarkin’ his vessel on debate day and hauntin’ him on 9/11, makin’ some landlubbers uneasy! She be as brash as a parrot, fer sure!
September 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! Ten bold nations be soundin' the alarm on them scallywag Russian hacking tricks aimed at Ukraine and her mates. For Estonia, one of the fine crew, this be a grand ol' treasure of a milestone! Avast, let the world know!
September 11, 2024, 3:46 pm
Arrr, moderatin' a presidential squabble be a right thankless task, matey! In this stormy seas of politics, it be a slippery plank where none be pleased! But hats off to ABC's David Muir and Linsey Davis, who danced the line like true swashbucklers in Tuesday’s ruckus ‘twixt Kamala and Trump! Aye!
September 11, 2024, 3:45 pm
Arrr, mates! In a raucous clash o' titans, Trump and Harris sparred like scallywags in a tavern brawl, battlin' over gold, sea lanes, and whatnot! In a wild 90 minutes, they tossed barbs like cannonballs. The BBC crew be investigatin' the treasure they dug up!
September 11, 2024, 3:43 pm
Arrr, they be sayin' it be nigh impossible, aye! For years, we’ve heard tall tales 'bout why fact-checkin’ in the heat o' battle be a folly! Moderators ain't no truth-tellers, they claimed, and it’d muddle the jolly debate! Impartiality be the name of the game, or so they squeaked! Har har!
September 11, 2024, 3:41 pm
"Arrr! No scallywags be abandonin’ me gatherings!" bellowed Trump, clashin' swords with Kamala. "They ain't fleein' from boredom or weariness!" Yet, mates, those reportin’ landlubbers be spyin’ many a soul slippin’ out early, likely seekin’ a frothy grog instead o’ Trump’s long-winded tales!
September 11, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! 'Tis been twenty-three long years since the fiercest raid struck the shores of America! “Never Forget,” they be sayin’, but for the heartbroken kin, 'tis a chant of sorrow, not just words! As they tipple in remembrance, they be awaitin’ a judge’s decree on their treasure hunt for truth!
September 11, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, when the scallywag Haniyeh met his doom by a sneaky boom in Iran, the seas of the Middle East turned turbulent! Israel be blamed, yet it be playin' coy like a cat with a mouse. What be next, ye ask? States pickin' off their own like fish in a barrel, I reckon!
September 11, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, 'tis been 23 years since America be witnessin' the mighty towers tumble like a ship in a storm! Nineteen scallywags from far-off lands commandeered four fine vessels, sendin’ 2,977 souls to Davy Jones’ locker. Yet brave hearts rose, like Todd Beamer and his crew, thwartin’ the dastardly plot!
September 11, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr, with a bit o' help from ABC, Kamala be claimin' victory in the debate in Philly! The moderators be checkin' Trump’s facts like a ship’s crew checkin’ for leaks, but let her sail through with wild tales 'bout guns and health plans. Blimey! What a ruckus on the high seas o' politics!
September 11, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, mateys! The mighty court o’ Missouri be settin’ sail to let the landlubbers vote on a notion to restore the fair practice of abortin’ wee ones! With over 250,000 scallywags signin’ the petition, 'tis time for a raucous ballot in November! Avast, let the people decide!
September 11, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, mateys! Ol’ Trump be sayin’ he’d spin the reporters like a sailor on a stormy sea! While his crew of advisers be chattin’ in the spin room, he swaggered in after battlin’ Harris, claimin’ he be the fiercest captain to sail the debate! Aye, what a jolly jest!
September 11, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr, Vice President Kamala, with the wind at her back, set sail to sink Captain Trump on the debate deck! The ABC scallywags be checkin' his tales while lettin' her slip by with naught but foggy hints on governin'. They clashed 'bout treasure, seas of life, and distant lands!
September 11, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, mateys! Taylor Swift be throwin' her compass to Kamala Harris right after the ruckus 'twixt Trump and his crew! In a jolly scroll on the ‘gram, she be callin' herself the "Childless Cat Lady," takin' a jab at that scallywag Vance. She be sayin', "I be votin' fer a true sea dog!"
September 10, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, on a fine Sunday morn last February, young James Malatras be getting a jolly ol’ missive from the once mighty Governor Cuomo! “Now that the squall be passed, how be ye faring, matey? Talent always be winning, aye! Fair winds, Andrew!” Aye, the tides be strange!
September 10, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr, matey! Thar be a spot o’ sorrow where George Floyd met his fate, now a shrine fit fer mermaids! Cup Foods be reborn as Unity Foods, and the cursed curb be bloom’n with wildflowers! Aye, the scorched gas station turned into a parley spot fer wayward souls!
September 10, 2024, 2:02 pm
Arrr, listen ye scallywags! If ye be blind to the gossip, them Russians be meddlin' in the land o' the free once more! Aye, 'tis a sport all the world’s rogues be playin’, throwin' coins at elections like it be a game. But will ol' Vlad’s treasure pay off this time, or be it just more bilge?
September 10, 2024, 1:58 pm
Arrr, matey! The top swab of the third-party crew, a green-thumbed lawyer kin to old sea dogs of the left, has jumped ship! He’s now rallyin' 'round the flag of a landlubber president who'd scuttle the seas! Oh, the irony be thicker than grog in a barrel!
September 10, 2024, 10:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Kamala be hoistin' her policy sails just two sunsets before clashin’ with Trump the scallywag! Critics be callin’ her as clear as murky waters since she set sail for the White House in July. The winds be a-changin' as the election draws near! Avast!
September 10, 2024, 9:55 am
Arrr, matey! Trump’s crew be laughin’ heartily at Kamala’s fancy “policy page.” They say, “She’s charted a ‘New Way Forward’ after four years of shipwrecks in the White House! What be she smokin’?” A right jolly jest, indeed! Avast, let the election games begin!
September 10, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be the first time Vice President Harris be addin' her schemes to the website since Captain Biden hoisted the white flag and backed her ship 50 days past! Her treasure map be divided into four jolly sections for fair winds and safe harbors! Yarrr!
September 10, 2024, 9:19 am
Arrr, matey! It seems ol' Trump be raisin' his flag for the green herb, callin' it less fierce than a kraken! Even his rival, Kamala, be joinin’ the merry crew! ‘Tis a grand turnin' o' tides when both captains be seekin' to free the leaf! Avast!
September 10, 2024, 3:45 am
Arrr, matey! A ruckus be brewin' 'round the rumor mill, sayin' Haitian swabs be snatchin' critters for their supper! But fear not, the local constables declare this tale be as wild as a three-legged sea turtle. No furry pâté makin' on their watch, savvy? Har har!
September 10, 2024, 3:41 am
Arrr, matey! Nay, ‘tis but a tall tale! A lass from Canton, Ohio, be nabbed fer torturin' and feastin’ on a feline—yet her roots be planted in the good ol' U.S. No scallywags in Ohio be munchin’ on their furry mates! Hoist the sails o’ truth!
September 10, 2024, 3:31 am
Arrr, matey! The web be buzzin' like a hornet’s nest 'bout a wee Ohio town! Even the scallywag Musk be tossin' his hat in the ring, claimin' 20,000 Haitians be munchin' on pets! “Vote for Kamala or yer critters be on the menu!” he squawked, savin' ducklings and kittens! Ha!
September 10, 2024, 3:29 am
Arrr, mateys! In a jolly speech at the National Conservativism shindig, VP hopeful JD Vance be tellin’ the crew to set sail for Springfield, Ohio. Aye, he’s yapped 'bout that wee town before, warnin’ it’s swarmin’ with more scallywags than a treasure chest o’ doubloons!
September 9, 2024, 2:48 pm
Arrr, matey! Gather 'round, ye scallywags! If ye be seekin' treasure, beware the kraken's tickle! For every gold doubloon ye find, a parrot might steal yer biscuits! So hoist the sails, keep yer cutlass sharp, and remember—don’t trust a fish with a wig! Har har har!
September 9, 2024, 2:45 pm
Arrr, on the morrow, China be givin' Germany a jolly good warning! They be sendin' warships to the waters of dispute, savvy? The Germans be plannin' to sail the grand frigate Baden-Württemberg in the Taiwan Strait, but China be sayin’, "Hands off, ye scallywags!" Ahoy, what a hullabaloo!
September 9, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywags whine 'bout Wisconsin's tight voter ID laws, but 'tis a blessing! This here Badger State be a murky sea of election shenanigans. Yet, beware the sneaky loophole—claimin’ “Indefinitely Confined” lets rogues snag absentee ballots without showin’ their true colors! Blimey!
September 9, 2024, 2:27 pm
Arrr, matey! A matron o' a lad from Georgia be spoutin' tales that the scallywags o' the school knew the lad was in a right pickle. “They had the chance to save 'em and missed it!” she be wailin'. Aye, the sea o’ sorrow runs deep, indeed!
September 9, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr! A scallywag from Springfield, Ohio, be spoutin' tall tales o' Haitian swabs loppin' off the noggins of ducks in the town's parks and feasting on 'em! Aye, what a ruckus fer a quacker dinner, me hearties!
September 9, 2024, 9:47 am
Ahoy, ye landlubbers of New Hampshire, Delaware, and Rhode Island! On the morrow, ye’ll be settin’ sail to the polls, choosin’ ye favorites for the grand gubernatorial showdown! Keep yer eyes peeled for the spirited duel ‘twixt Maggie Goodlander and Colin Van, a right merry spectacle it be! Arrr!
September 9, 2024, 9:42 am
Arrr, matey! After five moons of ponderin', the good folk of Rhode Island be settin' sail to pick their champions for the Senate duel! Democratic Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse be meetin' ol' Mike Costa, a former governor wannabe, who’s tossin' gold doubloons like a sailor on a spree! Avast!
September 9, 2024, 9:36 am
Arrr, mateys! The final bout o' primaries be comin' this Tuesday, as landlubbers from Delaware, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island be settin' sail to the ballot box fer new captains o' the ship! With some old sea dogs retirin', the crew be eager to claim the treasure of power! Avast!
September 9, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Leonard Leo be settin’ sail with a treasure chest of a billion doubloons, aim’n to keelhaul liberal scallywags from the corporate seas to the newsy brine! He be ready to unleash the Marble Freedom Trust upon them, fer a jolly good tussle!
September 9, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Foreign Affairs crew be spillin' the beans on a mighty long scroll regardin' the U.S. troop shindig in Afghanistan! They be pointin' fingers at Captain Biden, sayin' he dithered like a landlubber while the ship sank. Aye, chaos be the name of the game!
September 9, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr matey! Aye, the GOP be spillin' the beans on Biden’s hasty retreat from the land of Afghanistan! He be settin’ sail without a proper map, causin’ a right ruckus, leavin' us all scratchin' our heads! Blimey, chaos be his first mate! What a swashbucklin' mess!
September 9, 2024, 5:14 am
Arrr, matey! The House Republicans be spoutin' tales of woe 'bout the U.S. skedaddle from Afghanistan! They be pointin' fingers at Captain Biden, while givin' ol' Trump a mere wink, despite him makin' the deal with them scallywags! A right merry mess, if ye ask me!
September 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The likes of Rubin, Johnson, and Pool be havin' legions of scallywags followin' 'em on the YouTube seas! They be claimin' the Russian meddlin' be naught but a tall tale! But lo! They be swimmin' in gold with a sneaky crew of Russian buccaneers! Yarrr!
September 8, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! This week, the Biden crew be raisin’ anchors against those scurvy Kremlin websites and their media mates! Aye, the timing be as fishy as a three-headed sea serpent with ballots sailin’ out. Beware, for the red flags be flyin’ high on this treacherous tide!
September 8, 2024, 6:04 am
Arrr, matey! A judge in Michigan be givin' a pair o' Nigerian scallywags, Samuel and Samson Ogoshi, a hefty 17½ years in Davy Jones' locker for their dastardly sextortion shenanigans! Their mischief sent a lad to the depths, but it be a wake-up call fer the landlubbers! Avast!
September 8, 2024, 6:01 am
Avast, me hearties! Word be blowin’ ‘round that a scallywag named Col. Mohammed Mursi met his maker in an Israeli cannon blast, right at his home in Jabaliya. Alas, three kin also joined him on Davy Jones' locker! The Israeli lads be keepin’ mum on the matter. Arrr!
September 8, 2024, 6:00 am
Arrr! Young Muhammad Shahzeb Khan, a scallywag of twenty, thought to plunder the good ol' U.S. of A. for a right ruckus at a Jewish lair in Brooklyn, supportin' them scurvy ISIS mates. But alas! The Canadian constables caught him a mere twelve leagues from the border. What a landlubber!
September 8, 2024, 5:58 am
Arrr! Independent scallywag Cornel West be no longer marooned! The Virginia crew done changed their minds, lettin' him and his matey Melina Abdullah sail onto the ballot this November. Aye, they be reconsiderin’ quicker than a crab scuttlin’ away from a hungry shark!
September 8, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr, matey! Google be settin' sail fer another battle, this time over its treasure trove of doubloons in digital ads! The US Justice crew, fresh from bestin’ the scallywag in search, be ready to swab the decks o’ monopoly on the morrow! Let the rum flow and the court be merry!
September 8, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr! Edmundo González, the scallywag contender for the treasure of Venezuela, has set sail for Spain, seekin' refuge like a landlubber! The Spanish foreign minister be sayin’ he flew on a fine Spanish bird! Spain be pledgin' to protect the rights o' all Venezuelan mates. Avast!
September 7, 2024, 1:08 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The ol' sea captain Trump be chattin' with Fox News, claimin' he be as innocent as a parrot! He be sayin' the judge's delay be as pointless as a leaky barrel. Mark yer maps, for the next trial be set fer the 26th of November! Avast!
September 6, 2024, 6:38 pm
Arrr! The tax collectors be shoutin' from the crow's nest that they've snatched back $1.3 billion doubloons from scallywags who be dodgin' their dues! With the wind of the 2022 Inflation Act at their sails, they be huntin' tax cheats like a pack o' hungry sea dogs!
September 6, 2024, 6:37 pm
Arrr! The Treasury scallywags be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that they’ve snagged $1.3 billion doubloons from the high-falutin’ landlubbers who be dodgin’ their dues! All part o’ Biden’s grand scheme to make sure the rich pay their fair share, lest they walk the plank! Ha-ha!
September 6, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr! In a Colorado den, a band of ruffians be caught on the spyglass, stormin' the place with blunderbusses galore! A former matey be claimin’ the law turned a blind eye. The scallywags be called Tren de Aragua, a merry crew of 5,000, with a motto fit for the high seas!
September 6, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! In the land o’ the Golden State and Colorful Colorado, the lawmen be debunkin’ tall tales spun by scallywags on the right. Rumor be that “illegal sea dogs” tried to commandeer school buses! Aye, ‘tis a fanciful yarn, a desperate ploy ‘fore the election sails in!
September 6, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Aye, the quill of The Denver Gazette be spillin' tales o' CBZ Management's cursed abode in Aurora, shut down fer safety woes! Letters be revealin' that city officials knew weeks prior o' a Venezuelan crew makin’ merry with the property! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
September 6, 2024, 3:31 pm
Arrr, all five scallywags of Fox News’ midday crew be takin’ aim at the Biden-Harris treasure, the Inflation Reduction Act! They be blind as a bat to the gold of lowin’ inflation and callin’ it a sneaky ship full o’ climate tricks! Aye, what a merry jest, matey!
September 6, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, matey! JD Vance, that scallywag of a vice candidate, be callin' school shootin's "a fact of life," causin' a tempest o' ire! Meanwhile, two lads and two teachin' wenches met Davy Jones after a young scamp went wild with his boomstick. The seas of gun violence be stormy once more!
September 6, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr matey! In the month of August, the landlubber labor market be a’growin’, yet fell short of the wise men’s reckonin’. They be addin’ a mere 142,000 jobs, when 160,000 be the treasure sought! The scallywag unemployment dipped to 4.2%, but still be a slippery sea!
September 6, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! In August, the sea o' jobs swelled, adding 142,000 hearty souls to the crew! The Fed be keen to slash rates as they gather fer a parley. Unemployment be droppin' to 4.2%, makin' the treasure map of the economy look a tad brighter, savvy?
September 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast! The scallywags o' the US added 142,000 hearty souls to the crew last moon, says the labor scribbler on Friday. As the Federal Reserve be readyin' to drop interest rates like a cannonball, all eyes be on the treasure map we call the economy 'fore November’s big vote! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 6:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Hunter Biden, that scallywag, confessed to nine tax sins last Thursday, dodging the gallows just ‘fore his trial set sail! With a twist of fate, Judge Scarsi let him off the hook as jurors awaited. Seems he kept $1.4 million buried, eh? A true pirate’s tale!
September 5, 2024, 6:40 pm
Arrr! On Thursday, young Hunter Biden be confessin’ to a heap o’ tax misdeeds, but when be the IRS fessin’ up to pilferin’ the 2020 treasure for Cap’n Joe? Methinks the cover-up be worse than a scurvy dog! Now the IRS be lookin’ as shady as a bilge rat!
September 5, 2024, 6:01 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump be settin' sail to trim the sails of bureaucracy, just like that landlubber Musk! He be blarneyin’ at the Economic Club, vowin' to plunder the treasury with an audit o' the whole federal ship! Avast, let the treasure hunt begin!
September 5, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr, matey! Elon Musk be all a-hullabaloo ‘bout joinin’ Trump’s crew again, sharpenin’ his cutlass! After the former captain took a bullet at a raucous shindig, Musk be shoutin’ his support. But Trump be thinkin' ol' Elon be too busy countin’ doubloons to swab the decks of a cabinet. Har har!
September 5, 2024, 1:38 pm
Avast, mateys! Right-wing scallywag Tucker Carlson be chattin' with a self-styled “historian” spoutin' tall tales 'bout the Holocaust. Even the landlubber Elon Musk be givin' a wink, sayin' it be “worth watchin'.” Yarrr, what a jest! The seas be full of fishy stories, I tells ye!
September 5, 2024, 1:33 pm
Arrr, matey! On July 16 in Milwaukee, the fair Nikki Haley, once a seeker of the presidential crown, be settlin’ in with the savvy crew of Edelman! A twist of fate, indeed! Trump be sayin’ she’ll still sail with him if he claims the treasure! What a merry jest!
September 5, 2024, 1:29 pm
Avast, ye landlubbers! As the autumn sails in, the fine scholars be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst Israel's cannon fire in Gaza, stirrin' up a tempest of censorship at the poshest of universities! A merry band o' free speech swashbucklers be tallyin' a record 156 attempts to shush the ruckus! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 9:44 am
Arrr, matey! They be havin' legions o' scallywags followin' 'em! These landlubbers be swabbin' the decks o’ right-wing banter since Captain Trump set sail. Turns out, they were unwittin' crew for a Russian ship, funded by sly sea dogs fer churning out their ruckus! Aye, what a jest!
September 5, 2024, 9:43 am
Avast, ye scallywags! A crew from Tennessee be makin’ shows for swashbucklers like Benny and Tim, funded by the Russian sea serpent known as RT! The law be spillin’ the beans, claimin’ this Tenet Media ship be postin’ a treasure trove of videos. Arrr, what a merry jest!
September 5, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr, at the Throwback Brewery, Kamala be chartin' a new course, slippin' away from Biden's treasure map whilst tryin' to steer clear of the ol' sea dog, Trump, who's as mad as a parrot! She be stoppin’ in New Hampshire for those shiny electoral doubloons, then off to debate camp she sails!
September 5, 2024, 9:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! The DOJ be sayin’ that some conservative scallywags be unwittingly parleyin’ with a Kremlin-funded crew! A federal scroll reveals Tenet Media, hailing from Tennessee, pocketed a treasure o’ nearly $10 million from them Russian sea dogs, spreadin’ secret messages like a ship lost in fog!
September 4, 2024, 6:29 pm
Arrr, matey! The captain o' U.S. Steel be sayin’ if that gold-laden pact with Nippon Steel goes belly-up, the mills be sinkin’ to Davy Jones’ locker! Ol’ Burritt be lamentin’ ‘bout the treasure that keeps the crew a-workin’! If the deal be doomed, we won’t be hoistin’ sails!
September 4, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The House crew be demandin' the papers from Tim Walz, the scallywag in the vice-presidential race, over a treasure trove o' COVID doubloons gone awry! They be wantin' to pester him and his mates, all fer a heap o' gold! Avast, what a merry mess!
September 4, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that at the Trump parade in Butler, a crew of Homeland Security scallywags, trained less than a landlubber, be guardin' the captain. Sen. Hawley be spoutin’ tales of a whistleblowin’ buccaneer revealin’ that they’d only been schooled by a janky ol’ internet course! Blimey!
September 4, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Pro-Palestinian scallywags be fumin’ at Vice President Harris for sailin' in tandem with Captain Biden on this Israel-Hamas squabble! Yet, some be dreamin' she’ll hoist a tougher flag if she grabs the helm! But alas, no sign she’ll stop sendin’ cannonballs to Israel, savvy?
September 3, 2024, 5:34 pm
Ahoy mateys! Word be sailin' from a band of cyber swabs in America and the good folk of New Zealand, sayin' the Chinese scallywags be stirrin' the political pot with their sneaky online shenanigans. Aye, those rascals be bombardin' ye with a deluge of spam and balderdash on the social seas!
September 3, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr matey! The White House parley, led by the fair Jean-Pierre, tossed aside a query 'bout Kamala's newfound twang quicker than a fish can swim! Doocy from Fox called out her peculiar accent, likenin' it to that rascally rooster, Foghorn Leghorn! A right jolly hullabaloo it be!
September 3, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2016, the Republican crew hoisted their sails against abortion, claimin’ the 14th Amendment be meanin’ no such thing! With Roe v. Wade still flyin’ high and a vacant throne on the Supreme Court, they set their sights on a new captain fer the ship o' state!
September 3, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr! The Ukrainian ship’s weapons master, Oleksandr Kamyshin, jumped ship on Tuesday, seekin' new adventures in defense! With three other scallywags leavin' too, a third o’ the crew be adrift, just when the cannons be a-blastin' at the Russian foe. It be a right merry mess!
September 3, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr mateys! Roti, the gallant galley of Mediterranean fare, be seekin’ harbor in Chapter 11 waters! Captain Justin Seamonds, the jester o’ joy, declares, “Though the winds be foul, we be servin’ scrumptious grub fer all!” Aye, a wise course ‘tis to protect the treasure!
September 3, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! A tidal wave of bankruptcies be crashin' upon the shores of many a trade this year, especially the eateries! With labor costs risin' like the morning sun and wallets emptier than a scallywag’s treasure chest, it be a right mess, I tell ye!
September 3, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, matey! The sea o' restaurants be sinkin’ fast this year, with ten fine establishments goin’ belly up! In August alone, three ships of the culinary realm hoisted the white flag. With gold growin’ scarce and the plague's treasure gone, more may soon join Davy Jones’ locker!
September 3, 2024, 7:49 am
Arrr, matey! A mighty throng o' scallywags stormed the streets o' Israel, raisin' a ruckus fer two sunrises now! The land be at a standstill, as the unions be shoutin' fer a fair swap o' hostages. Even the economy be takin' a nap, savvy?
September 3, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr! The scallywags of the Philadelphia Eagles be claimin’ they’re huntin’ down fake political scrolls, sportin’ Kamala’s name, that be poppin’ up near the bus stops. “We be aware of these swindlin’ ads and be workin’ with our mateys to plunder ‘em away!” they proclaimed on the X seas. Har har!
September 3, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag's flyer be claimin’ the Eagles be raisin’ the Jolly Roger with Vice President Kamala Harris! The feathery crew be debunkin’ this tall tale. Spotted ‘round Philly, the pesky poster showed her clutchin' a pigskin, but it met Davy Jones’ locker posthaste! Blimey!
September 3, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, matey! The Eagles be not sailin' with her! Those scallywags be disavowin' the phony ads claimin' Vice President Kamala Harris be their chosen lass! They be workin' with their ad crew to hoist the sails and wash them away! Aye, she be lookin' like a true buccaneer in that helmet!
September 3, 2024, 4:15 am
Arrr, mateys! The lawmakers be settin' sail back to D.C. next week, hopin' to hoist a spendin' bill before the first of October, lest the ship of state sink! But those scallywag conservatives be demandin' treasure, threatenin' to spark a right ruckus ‘fore the elections! Aye, what a merry mess!
September 2, 2024, 12:48 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the AfD be hoistin’ their Jolly Roger in Thuringia, claimin’ a grand 32.8% o’ the booty! Chancellor Scholz be shakin’ in his boots, with naught but a year 'til the next duel o’ elections. The sea be churnin’ with worry, indeed!
September 2, 2024, 12:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! In Thuringia, the scallywags of the AfD be hoistin’ their flags high, claimin’ a grand 32% of the booty in the polls! Their captain, Björn Höcke, be shoutin’ ‘tis a historic win! Aye, first time since them battles of yore that a crew like this be enterin' the parliament!
September 2, 2024, 12:45 pm
Arrr, matey! On Sunday, the landlubbers of Thuringia cast their lot with the raucous Alternative for Germany, plunderin’ a stout 30.5% o’ the votes! Aye, they’ve outfoxed the CDU crew led by the ol’ sea hag Merkel, who sank to a mere 24%. A right merry hullabaloo, it be!
September 2, 2024, 9:59 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of California be passin' a treasure trove o' rules t' wrangle that crafty beast called artificial intelligence, thwart them pesky deepfakes, and shield the toil-worn crew from its treachery! The governor be havin’ till September’s end to weigh his options—sign, veto, or let 'em drift!
September 2, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fair Kamala be sailin’ ahead in the polls, though some say the winds be blowin’ too favorably for her crew! The Democrats be hootin’ and hollerin’ as she’s catchin’ up to that scallywag Trump, who once ruled the seas of polling. Aye, what a merry jest!
September 2, 2024, 9:00 am
Arrr, matey! Them Republicans be stirrin' up a tempest o' legal squabbles in the high seas of battlegrounds! Kamala and her crew be thinkin' they be schemin' to raise doubts if Cap’n Trump takes a dive. In Georgia, the election board be handin’ the wheel to local scallywags to judge the vote! Aye, chaos ahead!
September 2, 2024, 8:36 am
Avast, me hearties! Israel be in quite the uproar, as the Histadrut crew be callin’ for a grand strike! With the government fumblin’ the ball after findin’ six poor souls, all hands be takin’ a day off! Schools and offices be closin’, and the economy be sinkin’ like a ship! Arrr!
September 1, 2024, 4:11 am
Arrr! The Israeli sea dogs claim they've pulled from the depths the remains of six poor souls, taken by the scallywags of Hamas. Among 'em be Hersh Goldberg-Polin, a Californian lad, snatched at a jolly fest! The hearts of kin be heavy, fearin' time's a'tickin'!
September 1, 2024, 4:09 am
Arrr matey! Six poor souls, snatched by the scallywags of Hamas on the seventh day of October, met their doom in a dark tunnel of Rafah. The Israel Defense Forces be tellin' tales of woe, foundin' ‘em days later, all lifeless and cold. Aye, what a grim jest, eh?
September 1, 2024, 4:07 am
Ahoy, me hearties! The tale be told that young Hersh Goldberg-Polin, snatched from a merry jingle at the festival, now sails the eternal seas! A grenade took his arm, and now, alas, he’s found below in the murky tunnels of Rafah. A sad fate for a jolly lad!
September 1, 2024, 3:38 am
Arrr, matey! Once, Vice President Kamala Harris scorned the devil’s frackin’ and the harsh immigration cannonades of Trump! But lo! In a chat with CNN's fair Dana Bash, she be singing a different shanty, all for the gold in Pennsylvania's hold! Aye, she be up a mere 0.8%!
August 30, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Ol’ Trumpy be sayin’ on the morrow that them Republican scallywags ought to sink the ship o’ government if them Democrats don’t agree to keep landlubbers from castin’ their votes! Aye, he’d scuttle the crew faster than ye can say “shiver me timbers!” Savvy?
August 30, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, mateys! Old Trump be suggestin' that makin' in-vitro fertilization free for landlubber parents could hoist the cost o' $7 billion onto the government’s treasure chest! How he plans to chart that course, I know not, but it be soundin’ like a jolly good scheme! Avast!
August 30, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! Madeline Gaudreau, with a belly full o' treasure, mourns her dear Matthew, taken by a scallywag o’ a driver. They were set to welcome little Tripp in December! The crew's rallyin' round to lighten her load, for even pirates have hearts beneath their rough exteriors!
August 30, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, matey! JD Vance be tryin' to poke fun at Kamala Harris, likin' her to a stumblin' teen beauty queen from the seas of 2007! He be sharin' a clip of Caite Upton, who floundered when asked 'bout geography, sayin', "Even mermaids know where to find treasure better!" Har har har!
August 30, 2024, 1:47 pm
Avast, ye landlubbers! French scallywags be askin' the Swiss for more tales 'bout Telegram's cap'n Durov, accused of givin' his wee lad a thumpin'. His former wench, Irina, be spillin' the beans, claimin' a stormy romance an' three little buccaneers! Blimey, what a ruckus on the high seas!
August 30, 2024, 1:41 pm
Arrr, matey! Most landlubbers 'round these parts can’t even lay claim to a humble shack! With prices shootin’ higher than a crow’s nest during a storm and treasure chests emptyin’ faster than a ship in a squall, it’s a right pickle for us sea dogs! Blame it on those shiny coins from the government!
August 30, 2024, 1:30 pm
Arrr, matey! A new scroll be sayin’ that the clever contraption behind ChatGPT be harborin’ a sneaky bias against those speakin’ the fine tongue of African American English! Aye, even when we kept the talk of color at bay, the beast still be showin’ its true colors! Blimey!
August 30, 2024, 1:29 pm
Arrr, matey! For nigh on a hundred years, foreign scallywags be meddlin’ in Haiti’s biz, tryin’ to tame the wild seas o' violence. Just t’other day, they snatched a piece o’ Port-au-Prince from the grasp o’ ruffians! But with 109 years o' botched attempts, who be payin’ heed? Patience, me hearties!
August 30, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast, me hearties! The scallywags in the California Senate be lettin' landlubbers of the undocumented sort seek a treasure chest of loans for their first humble abodes! With a hearty 23-11 cheer, they sailed this bill through. If it be passin' the Assembly, a fine bounty awaits! Arrr!
August 30, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, matey! The California crew be makin' it legal for landlubbers without papers to snag a treasure chest o’ doubloons to buy their own ship! Ol’ Gov. Newsom be ponderin’ over this here AB 1840, lettin’ ’em score up to $150,000 for their fancy homes. Avast, what a jolly jest!
August 30, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, matey! Governor Gavin Newsom be ponderin' whether landlubber folks without papers can snag a shiny treasure o' home loans in California! The scallywags in the Democrat ship sailed Assembly Bill 1840 to his desk. Will he brave the storm of politics during this election voyage? What say ye, Captain Newsom?
August 30, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! Kamala, the Vice-Cap’n, be swabbin’ the deck o’ her thoughts! In her latest yarn, she claims her values be as steady as a ship’s compass, even as her sails catch a different wind on immigration and climate since '19! A right jolly twist!
August 29, 2024, 10:27 pm
Arrr, Kamala Harris be settin' sail with CNN’s Dana Bash fer her first grand chat since claimin' the Democratic treasure last month, but shiver me timbers! She ain’t playin’ by their rules! Instead, she be rallyin' the crew and workin' with content creators, givin' the ol' media outlets the cold shoulder!
August 29, 2024, 10:26 pm
Arrr! Conservative scallywags be settin' sail on X, bleatin' 'bout a clip of CNN's parley with Vice President Kamala Harris. She be chattin' 'bout her swayin’ policies since takin’ the helm of the Democratic ship. Dana Bash be askin’ how voters should ponder these changes, savvy? A fine jest, indeed!
August 29, 2024, 10:23 pm
Arrr, on the fateful Thursday, Vice President Harris took the helm of her first grand interview since she set sail on her lightning-fast presidential voyage! Aye, CNN's Dana Bash was the captain of this ship, and with her matey, Gov Tim Walz, Harris parried the questions like a seasoned buccaneer!
August 29, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, matey Ibrahim Salem, age 34, felt a shiver in his timbers when a scallywag soldier commanded him to shed his garb in that cursed Sde Teiman dungeon. "Aye, that be the moment I knew I sailed straight into Davy Jones’ locker!" he quipped, recalling the stormy seas of his plight.
August 29, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! The state be claimin’ the Sde Teiman brig be more shipshape than a well-kept treasure chest, with grub fit for a captain and doc care good enough fer a scurvy dog! But alas, the pesky landlubbers keep petitionin’ fer its closure, sayin’ it be a den o' abuse!
August 29, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala Harris be no silver-tongued siren; she be dodgin' the press like a scallywag. Aye, she once spun a yarn claimin' 220 million souls fell to COVID—a number that’d sink our ship! Just goes to show, she be a landlubber with words!
August 29, 2024, 2:00 pm
Arrr, matey! In the wild days of the '80s, our Vice Captain Kamala Harris be flippin' burgers at McDonald's whilst she be earnin' her scrolls! But lo! The seas be murky—no proof be found, just her own jabberin'. We be searchin' for treasure on this tale! Yarrr!
August 29, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, mateys! CrowdStrike be givin’ a treasure of $60 million in credits to those scallywags affected by a software storm! But lo! Delta be claimin’ a whopping $500 million lost in the tempest o’ canceled flights! Yet, amidst the chaos, CrowdStrike be sailin’ smooth with fine earnings! Har har!
August 29, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr, matey! This week, the scallywag Durov, captain of the Telegram ship, be in hot water with the French! They’ve slapped him with charges fer not spillin’ the beans ‘bout his crew's misdeeds. Caught like a fish in a net after his fine flying contraption touched the land! Blimey!
August 29, 2024, 10:06 am
Arrr, matey! French lawmen be pointin' the finger at Telegram’s captain, Pavel Durov, claimin’ he be mixin' in some foul deeds—child scrollin', pirate potions, and hacking tricks! A right jolly mess for a scallywag once hailed by the liberty-loving sea dogs! Avast, the plot thickens!
August 29, 2024, 7:49 am
Ahoy mateys! It be a curious tale, for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be in the ballot of Michigan and Wisconsin, though he’s hung up his boots and pledged fealty to Trump! Aye, his name be there, stirrin' the pot in the battle for the booty, but not in Arizona, Nevada, or Pennsylvania! Arr!
August 29, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr! Independent scribe Séamus Malekafzali, a scallywag dwelling in Beirut, sought weekend fun on the Tinder seas. But lo! Instead of fair maidens, he beheld a frightful missive from his own fleet, promising to rain fire ‘pon his port! Aye, it be a jolly old weekend, eh?
August 29, 2024, 4:37 am
Arrr! While Trump be sailin' steady, Kamala be risin' like the dawn in four fierce battlegrounds! The lasses, Black crew, and sprightly young scallywags be rallyin' 'round her. Though Trump be claimin' the gold, more hearties see Harris as the true captain to unite the ship! Aye!
August 29, 2024, 4:36 am
Arrr, a wee scallywag in Tennessee, just ten years young, be sent to Davy Jones' locker for a whole year! He jested with his finger like a blunderbuss, makin' “pew pew” sounds! Blimey, a law so strict it’d make a landlubber weep! Who knew school could be a pirate’s prison?
August 29, 2024, 4:32 am
Arrr, matey! As ol' Vlad grapples with Ukraine stormin' his shores, Mongolia be throwin' a sneaky jab! In their grand scheme, they’ve left out the doubloons for that fancy Power of Siberia-2 pipeline! Gazprom be reckonin' it could've filled their holds with 1.8 trillion treasures, but alas, no gold for ye, Vlad!
August 28, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! Veteran Lucas O’Hara be scoffin’ at the notion that Trump be usin' the solemn wreath-layin’ at Arlington to peddle his 2024 dreams. He shared the stage with Tulsi Gabbard and kin o’ the brave, honorin' those who met Davy Jones during a right messy retreat!
August 28, 2024, 4:15 pm
Avast, me hearties! Last week, ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tossed his hat overboard and set sail with Captain Trump! Though we clash like stormy seas, at least he chats with scallywags on the other side. In me latest yarn, we parley, while he bemoans the media's silence!
August 28, 2024, 3:38 pm
Arrr, on the thirtieth of August in the year twenty-one, the last landlubbers of the U.S. set sail from Afghanistan! Now, three winters hence, the Taliban be back at the helm, lettin’ scallywags like al Qaeda rise again, while the lassies be locked in chains tighter than a ship’s hold!
August 28, 2024, 3:30 pm
Avast, me hearties! Former Captain Trump took a seat with the good Dr. Phil, spillin' the beans on his foes as the Election Day tempest brews! Aye, the scallywag jabbed at Vice President Harris like a parrot on a cracker, chattin' 'bout borders and doubloons on the Merit Street rigging! Arr!
August 28, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr, matey! The RNC be hoistin’ its sails in this here campaign storm, clashin’ swords over ballots in battleground waters! They be plead’n with the Supreme Court in Arizona ‘bout landlubbers votin’ and even launched a hullabaloo in Detroit fer more scallywags to keep watch o’er the polls!
August 28, 2024, 8:51 am
Arrr, the lawyers be clashin' like krakens over who gets to hoist the sail o' democracy and how many doubloons be counted in the captain's chest! The Democrats be takin' on Georgia's election crew, while the Republicans be raisin' a ruckus in North Carolina and Arizona. Even the Supreme Court be throwin' in their two pieces of eight!
August 28, 2024, 8:40 am
Arrr, matey! In a ruckus ‘fore the grand election of 2024, them Democrats in Georgia be settin’ sail with a lawsuit to keep the seas calm. They be takin’ aim at the State Election Board, who be makin’ rules as tangled as a kraken’s tentacles!
August 28, 2024, 7:07 am
Arrr, this week ol' Mark Zuckerberg be sendin' a missive to Rep. Jim Jordan, claimin’ the Biden crew be givin’ his ship the ol’ “censor” squeeze over Covid tales! He tossed in a wink at Hunter's cursed laptop too. Aye, nothin' new under the jolly roger, matey!
August 28, 2024, 5:24 am
Arrr, if that lass Kamala be crowned president, she be vowin’ to toss a treasure o’ gold at the wall on the southern shores, a scheme she once deemed as unworthy as a landlubber's scallywag! Aye, she be flippin' like a fish outta water on her old ideals!
August 28, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans be callin' Kamala a fickle fish, havin' once spouted that the border wall be a “medieval folly” but now be shiverin' her timbers to expand it! She be parleyin' about revivin' a deal that sunk faster than a cannonball, eh? Avast, what a turncoat!
August 28, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr mateys! A tale from Tuesday be spillin’ that Vice President Kamala be doin’ the ol' flip-flop on Trump’s wall! The scallywags in Washington be scratchin’ their noggins, wonderin’ if it be true! One crew of conservatives be yellin’ that she be tryin' to snatch his treasure! Aye, what a jest!
August 28, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, matey! The jolly band o’ ruffians be settin’ sail on a 14-port tour o’ Britannia and Erin! They be kickoffin’ in Cardiff, then to Manchester and London, before landin’ in Edinburgh and Dublin. Avast, tickets be up fer grabs on Saturday! A right merry reunion, it be!
August 27, 2024, 5:28 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Special counsel Jack Smith be tossin’ a new writ at the ole sea captain Trump, tryin’ to add some wind to his sails after the high court’s grand decree. At 78, Trump still be in hot water for his swabs to change the tide of the 2020 battle! Arrr!
August 27, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In the year of our Lord 2024, Captain Trump be spillin’ the beans! The landlubbers have struck a deal for a ruckus on the debate seas come September 10 in Philly! Same ol’ rules as the CNN brawl, tossin’ Harris’ note-havin’ demands overboard! Avast!
August 27, 2024, 3:53 pm
Arrr, matey! Young Hunter Biden be the scallywag king of shady dealings, but beware! If the lass Kamala takes the helm, her brother-in-law Tony West be ready to snatch the crooked crown. He be a crafty sea dog, trained in the murky Obama waters! Har har!
August 27, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! Israel’s brave sea dogs be claimin’ they snagged a hapless landlubber from a dark, twisty tunnel in Gaza’s belly! After nearly a year o’ skirmishin’, they rescued Kaid Farhan al-Kadi, a Bedouin, who was nabbed by those scallywags o’ Hamas! Avast, the saga sails on!
August 27, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! On a fine Tuesday afternoon, the brave lads o' the IDF and Shin Bet did swoop down like seagulls on a fishy feast, liberatin' the noble Qaid Farhan Alkadi from the clutches o' those scallywags, Hamas! This hearty soul, father to a whole crew of 11, be safe and sound, lookin' for treasure in health checks at Soroka!
August 27, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, on the morn of Tuesday, the brave lads of the Israeli Defense Forces be shoutin' of a fine rescue! They plucked Qaid Farhan Alkadi, a landlubber of 52, from the clutches of those scallywags, the Hamas pirates. He be stable and headin' for a healer—ahoy, what a tale!
August 27, 2024, 9:27 am
Ahoy, mateys! A landlubber judge in Texas be stoppin' the new Biden scheme for keepin' folks from walkin' the plank! A gaggle o' Republican scallywags be raisin' a ruckus, claimin' it's a treacherous plot to save the spouses of US seafarers! Arrr, it’s a wild sea we sail!
August 27, 2024, 4:28 am
Arrr, matey! The Captain of the Secret Service in Pittsburgh and a merry band of four scallywags be walkin' the plank of leave, all while the crew be investigatin’ how a young sniper took aim at ol' Trump during his grand speech! Avast, what a right peculiar hullabaloo!
August 27, 2024, 4:26 am
Avast ye! A band o' Secret Service scallywags be sent to the brig for their blunders in thwartin' the dastardly plot on the former captain, Donald Trump! Reports say their ship's in a storm o' criticism, with the head buccaneer from Pittsburgh bein' among the swabs on leave! Arrr!
August 27, 2024, 4:24 am
Arrr, matey! Five of them Secret Service scallywags be walkin' the plank after a botched attempt on Trump’s noggin! A young gunslinger took a shot at him whilst he gabbed at a rally, givin' him a wee scratch on the ear. What a hullabaloo!
August 26, 2024, 7:04 pm
Arrr, matey! Former lass of the Democratic seas, Tulsi Gabbard, hath hoisted her flag as an independent. Now, she be throwin' her lot in with Captain Trump after that scallywag Kennedy Jr. dropped anchor and tossed his support to the Republican crew. What a jolly hullabaloo, eh?
August 26, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, the grim tally o' heat-related demises be blowin' up like a cannonball, risin' 117% from '99 to '23! 'Twas a scorcher o' a summer, claimin' 21,518 souls over the years. Blimey, stay hydrated or ye might end up in Davy Jones' locker!
August 26, 2024, 1:33 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! The lasses be decked in suffragist-white, raisin' a toast to the idea of “Madam President!” But lo, eight years since Hillary sailed ‘round as the first fair captain, Democrats be shoutin' a dire warning! The scallywags o’ the Republican crew be causin' chaos for the wenches and their kin!
August 26, 2024, 1:27 pm
Arrr, matey! Rep. Dean Phillips, the lone Democrat challengin’ Captain Biden in the 2024 seas, be sayin’ he’d gladly don either a blue or red hat! He aims to lend a hand to this fine crew, even from the shores of a convention in Chicago! Yarrr!
August 26, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr! Israel and them Hezbollah scallywags be firin' cannons like mad after a spell of skirmishes. By midday Sunday, the ruckus seemed to quiet, with both crews claimin' they only shot at foes. Three fell in Lebanon, and a lone sailor from Israel joined Davy Jones. Captain Biden be watchin' it all, savvy?
August 26, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, matey! Israel be swingin’ its cutlass at Hezbollah’s hideouts in Lebanon, callin’ it a preemptive strike! But lo and behold, them scallywags fired back with a barrel o’ rockets! Tensions be risin’ like a tide, whilst negotiators scurry about for a truce ‘twixt Israel and Hamas! Avast!
August 26, 2024, 9:22 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that Vice President Harris be lookin’ to hoist the sails against a rule set by Captain Biden, where jolly speakers be silenced! In past battles o' wit, all hands could holler, but now, they be wishin' for quiet seas in the 2024 squabbles!
August 26, 2024, 9:21 am
Arrr, no parley be struck on the Sabbath in Cairo’s hostage talks, savvy? Both Hamas and Israel be shunning the truce offered by the mediators, makin’ the chances of peace as likely as a mermaid in a storm! Meanwhile, Hamas be firin’ their cannonballs at Israel, raisin’ a ruckus!
August 26, 2024, 5:59 am
Arrr, matey! Pavel Durov, the Telegram cap’n, be no scallywag! 'Tis ridiculous to blame the ship’s captain for the crew’s mischief. Caught in Paris after a swashbucklin' jaunt from Azerbaijan, he’s as innocent as a landlubber! Moscow be raisin’ a ruckus, but fear not, he’ll sail free!
August 26, 2024, 5:58 am
Ahoy matey! Come mornin’, the scallywags from Russia unleashed a storm of iron upon Ukraine, claimin’ three souls and givin’ their energy grid a right thrashin’. Just after a night o’ drone mischief and weekend blasts that took down a newsy! Arrr, what a ruckus on the high seas of chaos!
August 25, 2024, 9:59 am
Arrr matey! Pavel Durov, the scallywag billionaire behind that Telegram treasure map, got nabbed at Bourget airport 'round evening tide! The crows be sayin' he was flyin' his fancy ship from Azerbaijan, and France be wantin’ him on account of an arrest warrant. Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 25, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, me hearties! Pavel Durov, the treasure-hunting scallywag o’ Telegram, was nabbed at Bourget airport, flyin' high in his fancy sea bird! The fuzz be after him fer not havin' enough mateys to keep the shipshape chat in order. Avast, the plot thickens like a fine grog!
August 25, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, matey! Pavel Durov, the captain of the Telegram ship, be caught by the Paris constables after disembarkin' his fancy jet! The buccaneer flew in from Azerbaijan, and the French scallywags had a warrant ready, lookin’ fer the treasure of free speech! Aye, what a jolly ruckus!
August 25, 2024, 9:45 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Islamic State be claimin' the blame for a festival fracas in Germany, leavin' three souls at Davy Jones' locker and eight more wounded! The knave aimed his cutlass at Christians, seekin' revenge for his mates in Palestine! A right sorry tale, indeed!
August 24, 2024, 3:01 pm
Arrr, mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be raisin' the Jolly Roger on his campaign at a news shindig in Phoenix, callin' out the Democratic crew of his kin. He be settin’ sail with Captain Trump instead! Soon after, Trump be callin’ him to the deck at a ruckus in Glendale. Aye, what a merry crew!
August 24, 2024, 2:57 pm
Arrr, mateys! This Friday, the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr., once a Democrat, now a lone sea dog, be makin' a grand speech! Rumor has it he’ll toss his hat overboard in this presidential race. Brace yerselves for a jolly ol' tale of his plundering plans ahead!
August 23, 2024, 3:19 pm
Arrr, mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hoistin’ the white flag on his presidential quest and chartin’ a course for Trump’s ship! In the land of Phoenix, he declared, "Me heart says the White House be a distant isle, so I shan't be askin’ me crew to toil for naught!"
August 23, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, mateys! Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hoistin' the white flag o' surrender, throwin’ his lot in with Captain Trump! His name still be sailin' on many a ballot, but in the swingin' states, he be walkin' the plank! Aye, what a merry jest!
August 23, 2024, 1:52 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hangin' up his campaign sails, but not sinkin' the ship! He be callin’ all ye blue-state scallywags to cast yer votes fer him, while lendin' a hearty cheer to ol’ Donald Trump in the tusslin' battle grounds! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 1:35 pm
Arrr, mateys! At the DNC's grand shindig, ol' Bill Clinton spun a yarn o' mighty numbers! "I swear on me parrot's honor, I checked thrice!" he exclaimed. "Since the Cold War sank, we’ve conjured 51 million new jobs! Score's a jolly 50 for Democrats, just a lone one fer the landlubbers!"
August 23, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, President Putin be claimin' them Ukrainian scallywags made a sneaky strike on the Kursk power treasure! No proof offered, mind ye, but he be tellin' the UN watchmen about the ruckus. Aye, a fine tale for a stormy night, that be!
August 23, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, matey! On the twenty-second day of August, Captain Putin be squawkin’ that them scallywags from Ukraine tried to raid a nuclear treasure in Kursk under the cover of darkness! He be tellin’ the crew ‘bout it on the ship’s screen, and now the IAEA be in the know, yarrr!
August 23, 2024, 10:13 am
Avast, ye scallywags! The United Nations’ sharp-eyed watchdog be warnin’ that the ruckus ‘twixt them Ukrainian and Russian brigands near Kursk's glowing treasure could unleash a nuclear Kraken! Keep yer cannons away, lest we all be singin' Davy Jones’ lullaby! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 9:13 am
Arrr, me hearties! The price o’ cribs be climbin' higher than a crow's nest, causin’ inflation to soar to 2.9% ‘twixt July 2023 and July 2024! AllSides be shoutin’ from the riggin’, partnerin’ with Gigafact to call out the blarney on the seven seas of news!
August 23, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, mateys! Kamala Harris be makin' her grand debut to the landlubbers of America, regalin' 'em with confident tales 'n shiny smiles! But lo, it be as light as a sailor’s rum—no meat on the bones! Can she keep this jig up for 12 more weeks? We shall see!
August 23, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, matey! The grand hullabaloo o' the 2024 Democratic shindig be wrapped up, with nary a rumble nor a brawl in sight—thank the sea gods! Lil John made a splash, but twas as plain as a plank. The crew in Chicago cheered mighty loud when Vice President Kamala claimed her treasure!
August 23, 2024, 4:56 am
Arrr, mateys! Kamala be squawkin' ‘bout a ruckus fer America’s fate at the grand Democratic hullabaloo! She warns o’ a second Trump voyage, all chaos and peril, whilst she be settin' sail fer fairer shores. “I’ll be a captain o’ common sense, fightin’ fer me hearty American crew!” she boasts. Aye, how she'll brawl be a mystery!
August 22, 2024, 6:43 pm
Avast, matey! On a dusty path ‘neath the scrubby hills of Arizona, Captain Trump hoisted a heap o’ steel beams to show how he be guardin’ the treasure! He brought weepin’ mothers and the local sheriff to shout, “Make America Safe Again!” Arrr, what a ruckus!
August 22, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, on Thursday, ol’ Captain Trump spun yarns ‘bout poor souls lost to scallywags from afar, all while standin’ by piles o’ iron bones at the border. He be lookin’ to take a jab at Vice Captain Harris ‘bout the immigration seas in this here battleground!
August 22, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump blabbered at the southern sea’s edge, tryin' to steal thunder from lass Kamala at the DNC ship! He bellowed ’bout Minnesota, claimin’, “We should’ve plundered that treasure twice, but there be plenty o’ mischief afoot! Folks be hushin’ up ‘bout it, savvy?”
August 22, 2024, 2:26 pm
Avast, me hearties! A grand hunt be afoot in Arizona fer a scallywag who dared to threaten to send ol' President Trump to Davy Jones' locker before his rally! The Cochise County sea dogs be pointin' their fingers at one 66-year-old Ronald Lee Syrvud! Arrr!
August 22, 2024, 2:04 pm
Arrr, Omar and Lee be anchorin' a ruckus 'fore the United Center, beggin' fer a chance to parley! AOC be callin' from the crow's nest, lendin' her support! The crew be sittin' like scallywags, hopin' fer a word from the captain, Tim Walz! Blimey, what a hullabaloo!
August 22, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags o' Homeland Security be reportin' a right urgent matter! It seems the immigration buccaneers be losin’ track o' over 32,000 wee lads and lasses that wandered off after bein' held in the brig. Blimey, even a parrot could do better!
August 22, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag audit from the Homeland Sec’rities be revealin’ that ICE be losin’ track of over 30,000 wee lassies and lads! No safeguardin’ 'em from Davy Jones’ crew of traffickers, they be! Inspector Cuffari be soundin’ the alarm—hoist the sails, we got a mutiny on our hands!
August 22, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr matey! The Biden-Harris crew be misplacing over 320,000 young scallywags who sailed across the border sans guardians, says a mighty shocking scroll! These poor souls be adrift in perilous waters, at risk of all manner of dastardly deeds! Avast, what a fine mess we’ve found!
August 22, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, matey! Critics be squawkin' that new rules curtailin’ anti-Israel ruckus on campus be trippin' on free speech. But a clever law professor be sayin’ they just be givin’ a good ol’ shout to rules already in place, keepin’ Jewish and Israeli lads safe from the stormy seas of protest!
August 22, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump sailed onto "This Past Weekend" with jester Theo Von, spillin' tales far from the campaign seas! He said young Barron be a fan of the jester's jibes. Rumor has it, Dana White be the one who set the sails! They even gabbed about the bottle! Har har!
August 22, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr matey! In the year of our Lord 2024, the scallywags of the crypto seas be tossin’ over $119 million doubloons to hoist friendly candidates and sink the skeptics! This be half o' all the corporate treasure tossed in the electoral waters! Aye, ‘tis a grand hoot!
August 22, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, matey! The Romanian landlubbers be lookin' fer the Tate scallywags over some naughty business, like shanghaein' and dalliances with wee lasses! They’ve been nabbed faster than ye can say "pirate booty," after the coppers searched their treasure hauls! Time fer a jolly good questioning, I reckon!
August 22, 2024, 5:30 am
Ahoy, mateys! Rep. Ocasio-Cortez be givin' a good ol' tongue-lashin' to the DNC fer keepin' the Palestinians muzzled on stage! She be hollerin' 'bout honorin' all souls, even those poor wretches caught in the tempest of conflict. Aye, let the voices be heard, or face the wrath of the high seas!
August 21, 2024, 2:29 pm
Ahoy mateys! In the merry month of March, after Alabama’s court put the kibosh on makin’ wee ones in test tubes, Minnesota’s Gov. Tim Walz shared his trials with his lass, Gwen. He even sent a treasure map of a fundraiser titled “Our IVF Adventure”! Arrr, politics be a jolly sea!
August 21, 2024, 2:14 pm
Arrr, the scurvy mainstream press, save for that landlubber Daniel Dale from CNN, be as useful as a barnacle on a ship's hull! So, our matey Larry decided to hoist the sails of truth and tackle Joe Biden's yarns himself, lest we be led astray by bilgewater tales!
August 21, 2024, 2:11 pm
Arrr, matey! Kamala, the fierce lass, be sailin' the seven seas of politics, takin' on the scallywag Trump! She be droppin' her treasure o' claims 'bout gold, health, and other fine booty. BBC Verify be chartin' her course, ready to spill the beans! Avast, the convention be near!
August 21, 2024, 2:09 pm
Arrr! Vice President Kamala Harris be settin’ sail with Governor Tim Walz o’ Minnesota as her trusty matey at a grand rally in Philadelphia! Now the scallywags be chattin’ online ‘bout his past, but beware, matey, not all be true! Walz be takin’ the stage tonight fer the grand ol’ Democratic shindig!
August 21, 2024, 5:58 am
Arrr, mateys! Independent sea dog Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be ponderin' whether to abandon ship in the 2024 race and sail alongside that rascally Trump! The Trumpster be sayin’ he’d welcome the lad aboard his crew. Choices aplenty, but beware the treacherous waters of politics, savvy?
August 20, 2024, 6:15 pm
Ahoy mateys! Captain Biden’s chartin’ a new course in the seas of nuclear might, settin’ his sights on the ever-growing fleet o’ China’s cannons! This secret scroll, known as "Nuclear Employment Guidance," be gettin’ a fresh inkin’ every four years, but ye won’t find it in any digital cove, just a handful o’ parchment! Arrr!
August 20, 2024, 5:57 pm
Ahoy mateys! Top seadogs of intel be spillin' the grog that Iran be the scallywags behind the hackin' o’ Trump’s shipshape campaign! It seems they be plottin' to meddle in the 2024 treasure hunt with their crafty cyber cannons! Avast, what a ruckus!
August 20, 2024, 5:54 pm
Avast ye mateys! Word be spillin' that Iran be the scallywags behind the foul hackin' of Trump’s campaign ship! The Yanks be claimin' they aimed to sow chaos and sink our fine democracy! Trump’s crew be accusin’ 'em, but the Iranians be shoutin’, “Nay!” What a ruckus on the high seas!
August 20, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers o' Washington be sayin' Iran be the scallywags behind the hackin' o' Trump’s ship o' state! They reckon it’s part o' a cunning plot to meddle in our politics and steer the election! Blame be cast, but where be me rum?
August 20, 2024, 2:37 pm
Arrr, matey! This week in Chicago, the Democratic crew be givin' away free baby-bustin' services! Planned Parenthood be sendin' their abortion ship to the shindig, handin' out magic potions and mornin'-after charms. The landlubbers be in a tizzy over this jolly giveaway! Har har har!
August 20, 2024, 11:45 am
Ahoy, matey! With a twist of election denial, the New York Times be spillin' the beans: them Republicans be causin' a ruckus for the left! Four long years o’ grumblin' 'bout drop boxes and wayward ballots, and now the Georgia crew be sportin' common sense! Arrr, what a jest!
August 20, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! It seems them young scallywags born in the Philly ports be flounderin’ in gold doubloons worse than their crafty Gen X mates! The dream o’ climbin’ the social mast be as slippery as a fish in a barrel! Charts be sayin’ it all, savvy?
August 20, 2024, 11:37 am
Ahoy mateys! The news brigands o’ PolitiFact and Capital B be joinin’ forces this election season! They’ll be settin’ sail on a sea o’ truths, keepin’ Black hearts informed ‘bout the political tides. So let the knowledge flow, lest ye be caught in a storm o’ deception! Arrr!
August 20, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, mateys! This here Stephanie Grisham, once a parley of Trump’s crew, now be settin’ sail for the Democratic shindig! “I never thought I'd be swabbin' the decks with these scallywags, but Trump be a menace to the seas!” she squawks to the crow's nest of NBC! Avast!
August 19, 2024, 10:21 pm
Arrr, the blubberin' George Santos be spillin' his guts to the landlubber press, lamentin' his scallywag ways! He confessed to swindlin' treasure and usin' credit cards like a drunken sailor! Now he be lookin' at two years in Davy Jones' locker, or maybe seven if the seas be rough!
August 19, 2024, 7:39 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! The grand Democratic hootenanny be upon us! Captain Biden'll be takin’ the spotlight, while Lady Kamala and Gov. Walz ready to hoist their flags. Expect tales of his half-century swashbucklin’ in politics, as he hands over the ship’s wheel! Yarrr, and the lovely Jill shall speak too!
August 19, 2024, 7:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Captain Blinken be sayin' Israel’s agreed to a truce parley, now it's up to those scallywags in Hamas to give a hearty “aye!” If they do, the swabs of negotiation will gather to plot their course, savvy? Let the sea of diplomacy roll on!
August 19, 2024, 7:20 pm
Arrr, on a fine Monday, the scallywag George Santos confessed to bein' a dastardly fraudster! This lubber be slippin' from 23 charges, yet still might find himself swabbin' the deck for two to twenty years! Avast, the seas of justice be rough for this trickster!
August 19, 2024, 2:48 pm
Arrr, mateys o’ Chicago! Vice President Kamala Harris be hoistin’ the corporate tax flag to 28%! She be sayin’ it’ll fill the coffers for her grand schemes and make sure them scallywag billionaires pay their dues, so the good folk can keep their doubloons! Avast!
August 19, 2024, 2:29 pm
Avast, me hearties! A scurvy image on X be claimin' to show UK constables a-bowin' to a crew o' Muslims. But hold yer horses! That claim be a hoax! A savvy sea dog’s scan be shoutin' it’s 99.2% likely a trick of the devil’s own AI! Arrr!
August 19, 2024, 2:27 pm
Arrr, matey! Young Miguel Aleman, just a sprightly 39, sailed from Mexico to the States at the tender age of four. Now he be joinin’ the ranks of landlubbers hopin’ to snag a citizenship treasure through Biden’s shiny new scheme. Aye, politics be a raucous sea before the Nov. 5 battle!
August 19, 2024, 2:25 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Republican crew be tryin' to shanghai 40,000 landlubbers in Arizona from castin' their votes! They be claimin’ these swabs ain't shown their papers, demandin' the Supreme Court to hoist the anchor on their ballots! A jolly good ruckus, I say!
August 19, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr, a scallywag horde o' hundreds be chantin' fer the rights of the fair folk and the bellyaches o' the landlubbers on a fine Sunday eve in Chicago! With Trump’s tower watchin’ like a land shark, they sailed forth to the Union monument, climbin’ like monkeys in the moonlight!
August 19, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr matey! A shipload o' landlubber activists be settin' course for Chicago this week, ready to raise a ruckus 'bout gold for all, lady rights, and the scallywag war in Gaza. Vice President Harris be stirrin' the pot, but these hearty souls be plannin' to shout their message loud 'n clear!
August 19, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr matey! On a Sunday morn, the Foul Bureau o’ Investigation snatched up Councilman Trayon White Sr. quicker than a shark at a fish fry! The council be flabbergasted, for this cheeky rogue, set to sail for a third term, be tangled in a mysterious net o’ trouble!
August 19, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr! ‘Twas a Sunday, when Trayon White Sr., the scallywag of Ward 8, found himself in the clutches of the FBI! What be the charges, ye ask? It’s a mystery shrouded in fog! Even the council chief, Phil Mendelson, be confirm’in the tale—integrity be the treasure we seek, matey!
August 19, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr! The FBI be snatchin' a scallywag city councilman in D.C. on Sunday, though the tale be as foggy as a sailor's hangover! Council President Phil Mendelson be spillin' the beans that Trayon White Sr. got nabbed at two bells! The plot thickens like a bowl o' grog, matey!
August 19, 2024, 4:12 am
Ahoy, matey! Fer some landlubber companies in the Russian seas, bein’ virtuous be as senseless as a fish on dry land! SLB, the mightiest of oilfield swabs, be castin’ nets for a thousand scallywags since December, while rivals scurried away like cowards after the Ukraine clash! Arrr!
August 18, 2024, 5:26 am
Ahoy mateys! VP Kamala Harris regaled us with words on Friday, hopin’ to charm the crew 'bout her grand plans fer the economy. But alas, she tossed away the chance, spinnin’ tales of fancy tricks instead! The scallywags be grumblin' still ‘bout pricey grub and Big Macs that cost a king's ransom!
August 18, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, matey! Taylor Lorenz be shiftin' her tale like a ship in a storm! She once called Biden a "war criminal," but now she claims it be edited. But lo! A snapshot reveals her grinnin' with him at a White House shindig, captioned with "war criminal" and a sad face! Blimey!
August 18, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, matey! Candace Owens, the lass who be flyin' the flag of young conservatism, amassed a fleet o' followers and parleyed with the likes of Trump, she did. But lo! After jumpin' ship from the Daily Wire, she be spoutin' tales that Stalin be a Jewish pirate in a secret crew! Avast!
August 18, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr, a path of mayhem be left in the wake of the brave Ukrainian sea dogs, stormin' the Russian shores! They blasted through the border, and even took a swing at old Lenin’s statue in Sudzha! Aye, the scallywags be claimin’ victory, indeed!
August 17, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr! A squabblin’ Supreme Court be holdin’ fast, keepin’ the old rules for schools in half the land, while the new protections fer transgender scallywags be under fire! The Biden crew be hollerin’, “Let the changes sail on Aug. 1!” But alas, the court be too divided, savvy?
August 17, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr matey! The Supreme Court be settin' sail with a 5-4 vote, tossin' aside Biden’s plea to shield the lasses from the swabbers in their privies! Aye, the decree from April be sayin' no to the buccaneers in the lassies' quarters! What a jolly ruckus on the high seas of law!
August 16, 2024, 7:35 pm
Arrr, matey! Word be from Moscow that a crafty scallywag close to Cap'n Putin be sayin' the dastardly West plotted Ukraine's sneaky strike on Kursk! Aye, it were the largest raid since the great sea battle of World War Two! The poor ol' bear be red-faced, he be!
August 16, 2024, 7:14 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala, the fair lass from the high seas of politics, be spillin’ the beans on her treasure map for wealth! She be wantin’ to lower the cost o’ grub and potions, while settin’ sail to save the middle class from Davy Jones’ locker!
August 16, 2024, 7:09 pm
Arrr, mateys of Raleigh! Vice President Kamala be settin' sail with a treasure chest o' $1.7 trillion in doubloons for the landlubbers! She be givin’ $25,000 to land hoarders and a hearty $6,000 tax break to keep the scallywags fed amidst the stormy seas o’ inflation! Avast!
August 16, 2024, 6:41 pm
Arrr, in the land o’ New Jersey, officers be sayin’, “Fear not, lass! We wish to aid ye!” But lo and behold, moments later, they shot her dead as a parrot! Aye, ‘tis a fine mess involving Captain Pickens and the lot! What a swashbucklin’ turn of events!
August 16, 2024, 9:26 am
Arrr, matey! A notorious scallywag from Peru, Gianfranco Torres-Navarro, captain of the dreaded “Los Killers,” be caught in New York! Suspected o’ 23 dastardly deeds, he’s now locked up tighter than a treasure chest in Buffalo, awaitin’ his fate like a landlubber in a storm!
August 16, 2024, 9:18 am
Arrr, matey! On a fine Wednesday morn, U.S. immigration swabs caught a scallywag, Gianfranco Torres-Navarro, a Peruvian buccaneer wanted for twoscore of dastardly deeds! Now, he’s locked up tighter than a treasure chest in Buffalo, awaitin’ his fate, savvy?
August 16, 2024, 9:10 am
Ahoy, mateys! Join Anne and Peter as they chart the treacherous waters o’ tyranny in the good ol’ U.S. o’ A! Democracy ain't sunk by cannon fire, but by a thousand tiny nibbles. They’ve plundered the secrets o’ autocrats, so hoist the sails and lend an ear!
August 16, 2024, 9:08 am
Arrr, mateys of Tallahassee! A California crew o' lab-grown fowl be settin' sail for the courts, takin' on Florida's new ban on their fancy meat! Upside Foods be shoutin' that the law be unfairly favorin' local scallywags. Fear not, they say, for ol' meat'll always have its spot at the feast!
August 16, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, matey! Independent swashbuckler Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hopin' to parley with the fair lass Kamala Harris about joinin' her crew as a Cabinet matey, should she claim the treasure! But alas, it seems her ship be sailin' on without a reply! Avast!
August 16, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, matey! Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. took to the digital seas, takin’ a jab at Vice President Kamala Harris. He be sayin’ her Democratic crew would baffle his old sea-dogs, his father and uncle! Once a storm in the Biden-Trump waters, now he be sinkin’ in the polls!
August 16, 2024, 5:12 am
Arrr, matey! Independent swashbuckler Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be sayin’ he’ll not be throwin’ his vote behind Vice President Kamala Harris, after talkin’ of trades like a pirate’s booty! Rumor has it he be wantin’ a shiny cabinet seat in return for his ye olde endorsement. Avast!
August 15, 2024, 7:22 pm
Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris be keepin' her lips sealed tighter than a treasure chest! The scallywags in the press be claimin' her crew be spoutin' words they never uttered. This week, a band o' media swabs known as AllSides be makin' waves with their tall tales!
August 15, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Joe Biden and Kamala Harris be proclaimin’ themselves the gallant defenders of the old sea dogs, takin’ on the mighty drug barons in a grand battle! “We’ve finally swiped the gold from big pharma!” bellowed Biden, joined by his lassie Harris. Avast, what a ruckus!
August 15, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, President Biden be callin’ that scallywag Trump “Donald Dump” as he be joinin’ forces with Vice President Harris, the fine lass who be takin’ the helm o’ the Democratic ship! They swaggered out to some jolly tune, grinnin’ and wavin’ at landlubbers wantin’ cheaper potions. Aye, what a sight!
August 15, 2024, 4:27 pm
Arrr, matey! The great Kamala and Gov’nor Walz be chattin’ away, but ‘tis not to the press, hostile or friendly! Nay, they be talkin’ to themselves in a jolly ol’ video, spillin’ naught ‘bout policies. If ye be seekin’ wisdom on the economy or such, ye best keep sailin'!
August 15, 2024, 4:24 pm
Arrr, mateys! A merry band o' jurors be ponderin' the fate o' Jason Lewis, a landlubber accused o' sendin' a wee lad to Davy Jones' locker whilst he be plunderin' carriages! The prosecutin' wench claims it be as clear as the blue seas, with footage showin' him firin' first! Avast!
August 15, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, matey! Kamala's ship be takin' on water 'cause she be usin' crafty edits to spin the news in her favor, like a scallywag! WDAY be fumin' like a cannon blast, claimin' their tale made her look like a trusty matey. The storm brews as Biden and she set sail together!
August 15, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, matey! This November, no less than eight swashbucklin’ states, and maybe three more, be settin’ sail to vote on the matter of abortion! Arizona and Missouri be joinin’ the fray, while Arizona and Nevada be the treasure maps of the 2024 election. Hoist the flags!
August 15, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! In the fair city of Los Angeles, the law has clapped the irons on a scallywag in the curious case o’ Matthew Perry’s fateful tumble into the depths of ketamine! Rumors fly, and more miscreants may be in the brine! Stay tuned, ye landlubbers!
August 15, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! A band of scallywags from the Persian seas be plunderin’ emails of U.S. swabs workin’ for Captain Biden and Old Trump! Google’s lookout crew be spyin’ on these sneaky rascals from the Islamic Revolutionary Guard. They thwarted some of their dastardly plots, but the mischief be far from over!
August 14, 2024, 9:09 pm
Arrr, mateys! Minouche Shafik, the captain o’ Columbia’s ship, be settin’ sail early, leavin’ her crew in a ruckus after the Hamas hullabaloo! Her handling o’ the pro-Palestinian squalls drew a mighty cannonade o’ scorn. Now, she’s off to calmer waters, claimin’ it be too stormy fer her kin!
August 14, 2024, 9:08 pm
Arrr, mateys! The cap'n o’ Columbia, Nemat Shafik, has hoisted the white flag and scuttled away after a tempest o’ ruckus 'bout pro-Palestinian squabbles! She’s the third Ivy League captain to jump ship in eight moons, what with Congress givin’ ‘em a right thrashin’ over antisemitism!
August 14, 2024, 8:15 pm
Arrr, President Minouche Shafik be hangin' up her captain's hat after four moons of stormy seas over them campus ruckuses 'bout the fracas in Gaza. She be sayin' it be weighin' heavy on her crew and kin, like a ship sunk by a kraken! What a jolly hullabaloo!
August 14, 2024, 8:03 pm
Arrr, mateys! The tempest known as Ernesto be blowin’ like a scallywag, turnin’ into a Category 1 hurricane! It rained and raged upon Puerto Rico, leavin' the land in a right pickle! Now it be chasin' Bermuda with winds as fierce as a drunken sea dog!
August 14, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The World Health Organization be shoutin’ a warning about a scurvy strain of monkeypox, callin’ it a dire threat to all. The Congo’s got a wicked outbreak, makin’ the folks tremble! Let’s hoist the sails on research and vaccines, lest we meet Davy Jones too soon!
August 14, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, mateys! The grand captain of the World Health Folks be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that the mpox plague be a fearsome scourge across the African seas! Yarr, it’s spreadin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull! Gather ye crew, for a storm be brewin’!
August 14, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, mateys! The World Health Organization be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that the mpox be causin’ a ruckus in Congo and beyond! With scallywags young and old catchin’ it, only a handful o’ vaccines be found in these here waters. Batten down the hatches, 'tis a health emergency!
August 14, 2024, 9:40 am
Arrr, matey! German scallywags be after a Ukrainian lad, Volodymyr Z, a diving instructor turned mischief-maker! He be suspected o' havin' plundered the Nord Stream pipes, swimmin' deep in the dark seas like a sneaky fish. Aye, what a jolly good tale of underwater shenanigans!
August 14, 2024, 9:37 am
Arrr! On Tuesday, a hearty crew of 20,000 landlubbers swarmed the streets o' Bratislava, shoutin' against Captain Fico’s mischief-makers! Blamin' the scallywags Šimkovičová and Susko fer plunderin' the nation’s culture! Aye, 'twas a rowdy rally, echoing the last day's ruckus from them civic sea dogs!
August 14, 2024, 9:36 am
Avast, me hearties! Gold medal lass Imane Khelif be under fire from her old sparrin' matey, Joana Nwamerue. With wild theories 'bout Khelif’s past, she claims, “That scallywag’s got some inner troubles, but he be a man!” Arrr, let’s see if the sea be a’callin’ for proof!
August 14, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! Good tidings for Vice President Kamala Harris and the treasure trove! Inflation be droppin' to a meager 2.9% in July, makin' it four moons of savings! The economists be scratchin' their heads, thinkin' it’d stay at 3%. Aye, the lowest since Biden took the helm!
August 13, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be forever countin’ his treasure o’ numbers—like gold coins, viewer eyes, and the throngs at his shindigs! Back in 2016, he bragged 'bout his rowdy crew at rallies, claimin' it outshone the polls. And on his first day, he swore his crowd was the mightiest! Har har!
August 13, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr, matey! The savvy landlubbers claim that the pic of Lady Kamala’s shindig be doctored, but it be naught but simple filters, not witchcraft of A.I.! Trump be raisin' a ruckus, sayin' her crowd be inflated like a balloon. But where be the crowd’s ghostly reflections, eh? Har har!
August 13, 2024, 3:06 pm
Arrr, matey! Sudan's savage squabble be makin' belly growls echo like a howlin' gale! A fearsome famine be afoot, the likes of which haven’t been seen since 2017. The wise ol' Famine Review Committee be sayin' parts of Darfur be starvin' like a crew lost at sea! Avast!
August 13, 2024, 2:47 pm
Ahoy! A scallywag from Harris' crew be sayin’ the pic be untouched by no tricksy AI! But lo! Trump be blabbin’ like a parrot, claimin’ she used sorcery to puff up her crowd at the rally. Can't trust a landlubber’s tongue, I tells ya! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr matey! In these treacherous waters, the scallywag David Frum be tossin’ thunderbolts at Trump! But hark! Back in the day, J.D. Vance, a wee blog-scribbler for Frum, sang a different tune 'fore donning his MAGA colors! A right jolly twist o' fate, I say!
August 13, 2024, 2:40 pm
Arrr, matey! Whether this here camaraderie be a long-lasting treasure or just fool's gold be yet unknown. Though the ruckus died quicker than a ship’s lantern at dawn, the bond forged ‘twixt the scallywags o’ all stripes might just outlast the ruckus itself! Aye, distrust in the king be universal!
August 13, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr, matey! Captain Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s quest fer the crown be sunk like a ship in a storm! A wise judge ruled that his supposed New York port be naught but a rented bunk in California's seas! Yarr, no ballot for ye, landlubber!
August 13, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, matey! The court be sayin’ Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ain't a true New Yorker, and thus ye can’t find his name on the ballot! Judge Ryba called his claim a "foul lie." He be ready to battle this verdict, but if it sticks, he’ll be walkin’ the plank o’ disappointment!
August 13, 2024, 9:54 am
Arrr, matey! Independent buccaneer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be tossed off New York’s ballot after a judge declared his claim of a local lair to be naught but a scallywag’s fib! Seems he ain't plannin' to dock in the Empire State anytime soon, savvy?
August 13, 2024, 8:15 am
Arrr, Rep. Dan Goldman, that scallywag, be a right shameless landlubber! As a party’s attack hound, he be flounderin' like a fish outta water. With a treasure chest o’ gold and nary a checkmate, he be outsmarted at every turn. Even claimed Trump be quakin' in his boots! Ha!
August 13, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ex-President Trump be lettin’ loose a cannonade of tall tales – a whole 20 of 'em – whilst jawin’ with the treasure-laden Elon Musk on the ship of X. His fibs be older than Davy Jones, coverin’ all seas from immigration to foreign winds! Har har!
August 13, 2024, 4:56 am
Arrr, mateys! In the grand seas o’ politics, the daring Captain Kennedy be stayin’ on the North Carolina parchment! A scallywag judge laughed at the Democrats’ whinin’ and said, "Aye, let the We the People crew sail forth!" Hoist the sails, 'tis a jolly good time for all!
August 13, 2024, 4:53 am
Avast ye! A new treasure map be drawn in Congress, lettin' 23.5 million landlubbers pick their own scallywags for office! The “Let America Vote Act,” led by Captain Fitzpatrick and his hearty crew, aims to open the gates in 22 states where party folks be hoardin' the booty! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr, matey! Young scallywags o' England be learnin' to sniff out the foul stench o' lies and mad tales online, says the wise wench Bridget Phillipson! She be revampin' schools so these wee pirates can think straight and battle the cursed conspiracy beasts! What a jolly good plan, eh?
August 12, 2024, 3:55 pm
Arrr, matey! Old Captain Trump be settin' sail fer a legal battle ‘gainst the Justice Department fer searchin’ his treasure trove at Mar-a-Lago! A judge, handpicked by the captain himself, tossed out the charges o’ hidin’ the king’s scrolls. A right merry mess, it be!
August 12, 2024, 3:48 pm
Arrr matey! Donald Trump be settin' sail to sue the Justice Department, claimin' they plundered his Mar-a-Lago treasure in a search! His crew be shoutin' “political mutiny!” and demandin’ a chest o’ doubloons worth $100 million for his troubles. A fine jest indeed, ye scallywags!
August 12, 2024, 3:36 pm
Avast ye! The scallywag Musk be lettin’ Captain Trump back on the High Seas of X after three long years adrift! Both mates and fiends be watchin’ for his next squawkin’ tweet. “He’s back!” be the cry, so brace yerselves for a barrel o’ unhinged hilarity! Arrr!
August 12, 2024, 3:35 pm
Arrr, matey! Kyleigh, in a sea o' pain, didn’t know her cursed cargo could sink her ship! The doc’s at Ascension Seton tossed her a pamphlet, sayin’ “let the winds blow.” Three days later, still bleedin’, they finally shot her cannon—but alas, the treasure was lost! Har har!
August 12, 2024, 10:43 am
Ahoy, me hearties! Presidential matey Robert Kennedy Jr. be stirrin' the pot, claimin' he owns a wee shack in New York! He be askin', "What’s a scallywag who pays taxes and votes there? A true New Yorker, savvy?" Aye, let the legal squabbles commence, ye landlubbers!
August 12, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! A new poll be sayin' more landlubbers trust Kamala Harris with the doubloons than ol' Trump! After Biden sailed off from the race, the winds of change be blowin'—first time since the start of this hullabaloo! Avast, what a turn of tide!
August 12, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the Border Patrol be sayin’ they trust ol’ Biden more than lass Kamala! Not a single one be raisin’ their quill to vote for her in November, claimin’ she be no friend to their salty crew and the mission set by the crown!
August 12, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr, matey! Fresh reckonin' from the bustling ports o' the U.S. be showin' a grand plummet in ruckus and mayhem—over 25% in some haunts! The COVID scourge be retreatin’, leavin’ ol' Trump and his scallywags with nary a cannonball to fire at the Democrats! Har har!
August 12, 2024, 5:42 am
Aye, on a morn in 2017, Curtrina Martin be thinkin' she be witnessin' a grand firework show akin to the Fourth of July! But alas, it be just the FBI bustin' down her door, lookin' fer a scallywag in the next house! They’d find out too late, arrr!
August 12, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, matey! X, the scallywag platform run by Captain Musk, be under fire for plunderin' the data of EU landlubbers to train its Grok AI beastie, without so much as a by-your-leave! An astute sailor spied the sneaky scheme, causin’ a right ruckus from the Irish crew!
August 12, 2024, 5:35 am
Arrr, matey! In the grand ol' bout o' the Paris Games, the lass Lin Yu-ting snagged the shiny gold just a day after another. She bested the Polish wench, Julia Szeremeta, in a right fine scuffle, makin’ the air her own canvas as she danced with glee! Aye, she ruled the ring like a true buccaneer!
August 12, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at U.S. intel be squawkin’ that Iran may be back to makin’ their boom-booms! Aye, ’tis a twist from the tales spun since 2019. In July 2024, they spilled the beans to Congress, tossin’ out the ol’ yarns like yesterday’s fish! Yarrr!
August 11, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Harris be swearin’ to shiver the timbers of tip taxes in Las Vegas! But lo and behold, former President Trump be callin’ her a copycat for borrowin' one o' his grand schemes. 'Tis a right merry mess o' squabblin' on the high seas of politics!
August 11, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, Governor Newsom be swabbin' the decks o’ California, threatin’ towns with a bust o’ gold if they don’t haul off the scallywag encampments! Spotted pickin’ up refuse like a landlubber in Los Angeles, he be tryin’ to tidy up the ship! Aye, those homeless buccaneers be settin' up camp everywhere!
August 11, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! The ol' captain Trump be claimin' his campaign’s been boarded by scallywags from Iran, swipin' secret scrolls! No proof to show, but it be coincidin' with a tale from Microsoft about foreign buccaneers causin’ mischief! Beware the spear-phishin’ emails, me hearties!
August 11, 2024, 6:54 am
Arrr, mateys! It be said that Gov. Tim Walz be slippin' his tongue like a fish outta water in a 2018 tale! The landlubbers o' the GOP be givin' him a right good thrashin' fer his sea legs in battle. Fear not, for he be honorin' all brave souls, aye!
August 11, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. treasure keepers in Mexico be sayin' that young Guzman Lopez, spawn o' the notorious "El Chapo," did turn hisself in willingly. Meanwhile, the old sea dog Zambada be dragged in like a scallywag! Both be claimin' innocence, but their lawyers be spoutin' tall tales!
August 10, 2024, 12:06 pm
Avast, mateys! This week, the treasure of low mortgage rates be shining bright, droppin' to a hearty 6.47%! Aye, after last year’s stormy seas of high interest, homebuyers can now breathe easy. So hoist the sails and grab yer gold, for smooth sailin’ be ahead!
August 10, 2024, 12:01 pm
Avast, me hearties! The gold coins be treasurin' at a rare low tide, with mortgage rates droppin’ to a scallywag’s 6.47%! Hope be afloat in the stormy seas of the U.S. housing market. Let’s hoist the sails and celebrate this fair wind! Yarrr!
August 10, 2024, 11:58 am
Arrr, mateys! This week, the treasure o' mortgage rates took a mighty dive, settlin’ at 6.47%, down from 6.73%! Seems the landlubbers overreacted to a scallywag report 'bout jobs. Fear not, for our ship o' economy be steady as she goes, says Captain Sam Khater!
August 9, 2024, 7:28 pm
Arrr, matey! One last foe lay vanquished, gold medal gleamin' 'round Imane Khelif's neck, but the lass be far from finished! In the post-fight parley, she swung at critics harder than a cannonball, lettin' 'em know she be fightin' fit, no matter what scallywags be sayin'!
August 9, 2024, 7:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In the fair city of Paris, lass Imane Khelif, that fiery Algerian wench, be a gold medalist now! Her brawlin' with China’s Yang Liu stirred a mighty tempest in the boxing seas. What be next, ye ask? Aye, it might just sink the whole sport!
August 9, 2024, 4:48 pm
Avast ye! In the grand port of Paris, the lass Imane Khelif, a fierce Algerian pugilist, snatched a shiny gold doubloon on Friday! Battlin' like a true sea dog, she thrashed Yang Liu of China 5:0, all whilst dodgin' jests about her womanly ways. Huzzah! Crowds be roarin’ like a tempest!
August 9, 2024, 3:16 pm
Arrr, Vice President Harris be dodgin' the press like a slippery sea serpent in Michigan! She be hopin' fer a long chinwag before the month’s end, but the Trump crew be givin’ her the ol’ stink-eye fer hidin' from questions since she hoisted her sails for the White House!
August 9, 2024, 3:14 pm
Arrr, the scribes be hounding Vice President Kamala Harris fer answers, but she be as tight-lipped as a treasure chest! Since Captain Biden sailed away from the race, she’s dodged the press like a scallywag. Only at a Michigan rally did she finally spill the beans—sorta!
August 9, 2024, 3:05 pm
Arrr, Vice Captain Kamala be hopin' to parley with the press afore the month be up, savvy? After the scallywag Trump be callin' her dim-witted, she’s set a measly 24-day quest fer a chat! “I be talkin' to me crew,” she be sayin’. Aye, let the games begin!
August 9, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr, Justice Gorsuch be spoutin’ wisdom, sayin’ our laws be bloomin’ like barnacles 'cause we be mistrustin’ each other! He be callin’ fer a hearty chat 'twixt us scallywags, remindin’ us to take our licks as well as our spoils! Aye, civility be the treasure we seek!
August 9, 2024, 10:29 am
Ahoy, mateys! In Caracas, Cap'n Maduro be sayin' he’s shut down X fer ten days, claimin' ol' Elon Musk be stirrin' up a storm o' hate after a dodgy election! Reports say posts be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship! Blimey, Musk be breakin' his own rules, aye!
August 9, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, matey! Next week, Captain Biden and First Mate Harris be settin' sail to Maryland, chattin' 'bout how to lighten the treasure burdens of the good folk! ‘Tis their first voyage since she took the helm! But shiver me timbers, they be keepin' the map secret!
August 9, 2024, 10:23 am
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Biden's crew tossed a right grim scroll to Congress, sayin' the treasure chest be $1.87 trillion short for 2024! Aye, by year's end, we be swimmin' in a $37 trillion sea of debt! This news be blowin' in on the 50th birthday of the budget law, savvy? Arrr!
August 8, 2024, 6:57 pm
Arrr, matey! This week, the treasure of mortgage rates be sinkin’ like a cannonball, thanks to some feeble job numbers! The Federal Reserve be thinkin’ of slashin’ interest rates next month. Aye, a fine wind blowin’ fer the sorry state of the landlubber’s housing market!
August 8, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be settin’ sail fer a ruckus with Vice President Kamala on the 10th o' September! He be spillin' the beans at his treasure trove, Mar-a-Lago. Harris be ready to parley too! Aye, let the jests and jabs commence on the high seas of debate!
August 8, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be settin' sail for three debates with Miss Kamala, seekin' to clear the fog o' confusion! Mark yer maps for Sept. 4, 10, and 25, as the crew o' Fox, NBC, and ABC be ready to hoist the sails o' discourse! Avast!
August 8, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr, matey! After bein’ adrift in the sky for two moons, our brave space-farers Butch and Suni might just hitch a ride home! The ol’ Boeing be givin’ trouble, so NASA be thinkin’ of plunderin’ a SpaceX vessel instead. Aye, let’s hope they don’t be walkin’ the plank!
August 8, 2024, 3:26 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be givin' a right thrashin' to Miss Kamala 'bout her fear o' the press! He’s settin' sail fer a grand parley at 2 bells on Thursday at his fancy treasure cove, Mar-a-Lago. Aye, it be her first chance to face the scallywags!
August 8, 2024, 3:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The ol' captain Trump be takin' a jibe at Vice President Kamala, claimin' she be chosen for bein' all politically proper-like and can’t parley worth a barnacle! He called her the most despised matey in the crew, never earnin' a vote but sailin' the seas o' politics!
August 8, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, mates! Husbands be the captains o’ the ship, workin’ like dogs to fill the belly. Wives be keepin’ the cabin shipshape and raisin’ the wee ones. Aye, some landlubbers be frettin’ 'bout the good ol' family ways, shunnin’ any scallywags who stray from their charted course!
August 8, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr, matey! It be said that ol’ Elon, the captain of X, spun yarns about the U.S. election, garnerin’ a treasure trove of 1.2 billion peepers! The scallywags at the Center for Counterin’ Digital Nonsense be countin’ 50 tall tales, all debunked, yet still sailin’ the digital seas! Har har!
August 8, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, me hearties! A ruckus be afoot in Kursk, where them Ukrainian scallywags be plunderin'! Governor Smirnov be raisin' the alarm, sayin' it’s time to shoo away the pesky foes. Alas, five poor souls be joinin' Davy Jones, and 31 be sportin' a few new bruises!
August 8, 2024, 9:12 am
Arrr, matey! Imane Khelif be battlin' fer shiny gold! The lass from Algeria, with her sea legs questioned, sailed into the final round o' the 66 kg brawl in Paris, bestin' Janjaem Suwannapheng by unanimous vote! Though no cannon fire, 'twas clear she ruled the deck, savvy?
August 8, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, mateys! The Ukrainian captain Denys Shmyhal be shoutin' from the crow's nest that the good ol' US of A dropped a treasure chest of $3.9 billion into their coffers! Aye, 'tis the first bounty of 2024, with more loot to sail in, makin' it $7.8 billion in total! Avast!
August 8, 2024, 4:44 am
Arrr, matey! The Airbnb treasure sunk 14% in the night tide, as their doubloons fell short of the wise seafarers’ forecasts. They be speakin’ of a slowdown in landlubber demand! Earnings per share be 86 cents, when they be hopin’ for 92! The gold still flows, but not like before!
August 8, 2024, 4:38 am
Arrr, mateys! The powers that be have scuttled three of Miss Swift's shindigs in Austria, claimin' they thwarted a dastardly plot! Now, the good folk o' Vienna be feelin' as blue as a barnacle, and the businesses be shiverin' in their boots! Aye, safety first, but what a jolly mess!
August 8, 2024, 4:35 am
Arrr, mateys! Special Counsel Weiss be spillin' the beans, claimin' Hunter Biden pocketed gold from a sneaky Romanian scallywag lookin’ to bend Uncle Sam’s ear. Next month, they be settin' sail with proof in the tax case, callin' for the court to toss Biden's fancy requests overboard! Yarrr!
August 7, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrr, Sen. JD Vance be callin' out Gov. Tim Walz for slippin' his military duty like a greased pig and spinnin' tall tales 'bout bein' a sea dog veteran! At a ruckus in Detroit, Vance laughed, claimin' he rose from the depths of poverty, not from the Ivy League seas!
August 7, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arrr! It be said that Cap'n Walz, when the call of battle rang, he be settin' sail for politics instead! Aye, he abandoned ship just as his crew was off to Iraq! That be a fine mess for the landlubbers to chew on!
August 7, 2024, 3:40 pm
Arrr, mateys! Republican scallywag J.D. Vance be callin’ out ol’ Tim Walz for makin’ a cowardly dive from the Army National Guard like a rat from a sinking ship ’fore sailin’ to Iraq! Them veterans be claimin’ he left ‘em high and dry—shameful, I say!
August 7, 2024, 3:38 pm
Arrr, matey! After the high court’s decree to scuttle Roe v. Wade, it seems the landlubbers be havin’ more wee ones aboard! A report says scallywags in blue states be usin' magic screens to help the desperate. With the elections on the horizon, the tides be shifting!
August 7, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr matey! At times, a fancy carriage would roll up our stony lane, and a landlubber in a dapper suit would leap out. He'd be peddlin' overpriced trinkets or seekin' to plunder our land, which me granddad said, “Ye can’t trade it for naught, as they be makin’ no more!” After a handshake, he’d be off. "Count yer fingers, lad!" growled Grandpa Arnie.
August 7, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr, matey! This be sacred turf for the U.S. sky sailors, where NASA charted a course to the moon many moons ago! Florida’s Space Coast, filled with palm trees, be preparin’ for a sight more bizarre than a three-headed sea serpent—Elon Musk's colossal Starship, the mightiest cannon in the heavens!
August 7, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' the Democrat crew be tryin' to spin a tall tale 'bout Governor Walz bein' a fine first mate fer Kamala! But lo! Under his watch, Minnesota be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole below deck, laggin' behind like a landlubber in a race!
August 7, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr matey! Not long past, I spied a ruckus of fisticuffs from the year twenty-one! Young Imane Khelif, a lass from Algeria, took to the ring in Tokyo, sparkin’ chaos in the landlubbers’ minds! The announcer be sayin’ Harrington’s skills be grand while Khelif danced like a drunken sea dog! Har har har!
August 6, 2024, 7:50 pm
Arrr, mateys! Kamala be vowin’ to keep the Biden-Harris border shenanigans afloat! But lo and behold, the parchment from June be lettin’ in scallywags and landlubbers alike! It be sayin’ the Homeland Chief can let in any swab who sails up proper-like! Yo ho, what a merry mess!
August 6, 2024, 7:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala Harris be makin' her matey known: Minnesota's own Gov. Tim Walz, a jolly good fellow with a heart of gold! But beware, for his compass ain't always pointed to progress! With the winds of Gaza blowin' fierce, many a sailor be questionin' the captain's course!
August 6, 2024, 7:41 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! In the fair port of Philadelphia, Governor Walz be a stranger to most landlubbers 'cept those from Minnesota. But as Vice President Harris named him first mate for the 2024 voyage, the crew be shoutin’ his tale across the seven seas of social media! Yarrr!
August 6, 2024, 7:38 pm
Arrr, matey! Minnesota's Gov'nor Walz be makin' his grand entrance, joinin' Vice President Harris at a raucous shindig in Philly! He be takin' on that scallywag Trump, tryin' to keep the Democrats' spirits high! A mighty crew of 10,000 gathered, the biggest haul yet! What be this election all 'bout, ye ask?
August 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! Vice Captain Kamala be settin’ sail with Tim Walz, the merry lad of Minnesota, leavin’ Josh Shapiro, the Jew of Pennsylvania, in the dust! Shapiro was the favorite to join her crew, but Walz’s ship be catchin’ the wind with some jolly progressive winds! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, with a line as viral as a cursed treasure map—“these scallywags be odd!”—Tim Walz be sailing into the race for Kamala’s first mate! At 60, he’s a hearty sailor, a schoolmaster, and a gridiron buccaneer, ready to clash with the Republican cutthroats! Blimey!
August 6, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, matey! Minnesota's cap’n Walz be catchin' the web's eye, callin' them Republicans a bunch o' odd sea critters! His jests be sailin' far and wide, makin' him the first mate to Kamala’s captaincy. He lists what we Democrats be wantin', and he’s steered fine in rough waters!
August 6, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr, matey! Jenna Ellis, once the legal parley for Cap’n Trump, now be spillin' the beans on her scallywag mates in the Arizona rigged election caper! In return fer her testimony, the state buccaneers be lettin' her off the hook. Aye, first of many to walk the plank!
August 5, 2024, 7:11 pm
Arrr! On the high seas o’ justice, a federal judge hath landed a cannonball on Google’s hull! The ol’ search scallywags be found guilty o’ hoardin’ treasure and lettin' no one else in the chest! Judge Mehta be callin' 'em a true monopolist, savvy?
August 5, 2024, 7:09 pm
Ahoy, mateys! A U.S. judge be sayin’ Google be guilty of hoardin' treasure and creatin' a monopoly, aye! They spent a king’s ransom to be the top searchin' ship on the digital seas. A second trial be comin’, and perhaps we’ll see Google split like a treasure chest! Arrr!
August 5, 2024, 7:09 pm
Arrr! The Justice crew and a fleet o' state attorneys be celebratin' a grand victory over the scallywag Google! A judge declared the search giant a thievin' monopolist, hoardin' 90 percent o' the treasure in the online search seas, thanks to a sneaky deal with Apple’s Safari! Yarrr!
August 5, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr, on the mornin’ of Monday, a wise judge declared that Google be a scallywag, usin’ its mighty search engine to keel-haul the competition! This news be stirrin’ the seas of the internet, threatenin’ to shackle one of the finest treasure fleets in the digital realm! Avast!
August 5, 2024, 4:42 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! Justice Clarence Thomas, the rogue of the Supreme Court, went against the crew on Monday, stoppin' Missouri from takin' a swing at New York over ol' Alvin Bragg's chase after Captain Trump. That scallywag's been found guilty o' 34 misdeeds and faces the hangman’s noose come September! Arrr!
August 5, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr! Bloomberg tossed Jennifer Jacobs overboard after she spilled the beans on a prisoner trade that freed the WSJ scribe, Evan Gershkovich, before the captain gave the all-clear! The lass, a White House scribe, penned the tale, but alas, she set sail too soon, breakin' the embargo! Huzzah!
August 5, 2024, 4:23 pm
Arrr, the markets be sinkin' like a ship with a hole, matey! Japan’s treasure chest dipped a hefty 12.4%! South Korea and Taiwan ain't faring much better, down over 8%! If ye be feelin' bold, now’s the time to plunder those stocks at a discount! Otherwise, batten down the hatches!
August 5, 2024, 10:48 am
Avast, me hearties! The U.S. Navy be packin’ up its last stronghold in Niger, leavin’ local lads to fend off the scallywags of extremism! A crew of brave souls sailed away on a fine cargo ship, abandonin’ a fancy $110 million treasure trove built by the Pentagon. Arrr!
August 5, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr, President Biden be gatherin’ his crew o’ security swabs in the situation cabin on Monday, discussin’ the ruckus in the Middle East! Word be that a scallywag from Iran be fixin’ to strike Israel. He’ll also parley with King Abdullah of Jordan, o' course! Avast!
August 5, 2024, 10:44 am
Arrr! On the morrow, Vice President Kamala Harris be settin' sail in Philly with her new matey for a grand rally! They'll be chattin' with landlubbers ‘bout why they ain’t like that scallywag Trump. Aye, first of many swashbucklin’ adventures together, me hearties!
August 5, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, mateys! Secretary Blinken be warnin’ the G7 crew that them scallywags from Iran and Hezbollah might unleash their fury on Israel come Monday! He be tryin’ to whip up some last-minute diplomacy to keep the cannon fire at bay. Let’s hope they listen, lest we all walk the plank!
August 4, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! In the year o' our Lord 2024, thievin' has soared like a crow's nest parrot, makin' shops flee the cities faster than a scallywag with a stolen booty! While the White House prances 'bout a drop in shiverin' violence, the cutthroats be pilferin' more than ever—24% in just half a year!
August 4, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, matey! After hoardin' Grand Slam treasures and sittin' atop the rankings like a ship's captain, Novak craved an Olympic gold doubloon for Serbia—his last prize! At 37, he snatched it in a fierce duel with young Carlos! "I put me heart, me soul, and a parrot’s squawk into it!" Ha!
August 4, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, the Vatican be feelin’ blue over a jolly jest at the Paris Games, mockin' da Vinci's grand feast! They cried, “Alas! We be wounded, joinin’ the chorus o’ the offended faithful!” Aye, even the Pope be shakin’ his head at such antics, matey!
August 4, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr, matey! The Trump crew be battlin' hard against the Project 2025 storm, but it be givin' the good ol' conservatives a right case o’ the jitters! They fear Captain Trump be tossin' overboard his loyal crew ‘cause o’ some fancy policy chart. Aye, it be a slippery sea ahead!
August 3, 2024, 1:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden-Harris crew has scuttled a dubious scheme that let a horde of scallywags from four lands sail right into the U.S. each month! Turns out, the whole rig was more crooked than a two-headed coin! No more free passage for them rascals!
August 3, 2024, 1:23 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag lawyer from Florida be confessin’ to tryin’ to blow up the Chinese embassy with a rifle, and he took aim at a statue o’ them commie blokes, Lenin and Mao! A real landlubber he be, settin’ sail for trouble! Avast, he be awaitin’ the captain’s judgment!
August 3, 2024, 1:18 pm
Avast, mateys! Word sailed 'round that Moscow's birds were flappin’ for a grand prisoner swap! Marc Fogel, a landlubber teacher, caught three years o’ a 14-year sentence fer sneakin’ in a wee stash of green. He claimed it be fer his achin’ bones! Blimey, what a pickle!
August 3, 2024, 1:15 pm
Arrr, matey! A fine Friday feast turned foul, with 37 landlubbers sent to Davy Jones' locker and 212 left worse for wear at a beach tavern in Mogadishu! Blame the scallywags of al Shabaab, says the health captain. Aye, ‘tis the deadliest shenanigan in these waters for some time!
August 2, 2024, 9:04 pm
Arrr matey! On Friday, the stocks took a dive sharper than a cutlass, after news o’ a pitiful jobs report. The market index be droppin’ 1.84%, while the Nasdaq sank 2.43%! Even the Dow Jones be feelin’ the sting, fallin’ over 610 points! Aye, a storm brews on the horizon!
August 2, 2024, 6:16 pm
Arrr! The treasure charts be takin' a dive, all thanks to a dismal job report! The Trump crew be scallywaggin' the Democrats, claimin' a storm be brewin’. “Kamala be flauntin’ her co-pirate role with Joe on ‘Bidenomics,’ pumpin’ inflation like a hearty brew!” said a scrawl from the deck.
August 2, 2024, 6:14 pm
Arrr, how swiftly the tides do change! Just a tick o’ the clock ago, the treasure charts be risin' like a well-fed sea monster! Now they be plummetin' like a drunken sailor! The Nasdaq be takin' a dive, and Japan’s Topix be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole in her hull!
August 2, 2024, 6:09 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Wall Street be shakin' like a ship in a storm on Friday, as stocks took a nosedive! A report on the July hiring had investors quakin' in their boots, thinkin’ the Federal Reserve be slower than a barnacle on a hull. The tech treasures be lookin' less shiny!
August 2, 2024, 2:34 pm
Arrr! The landlubbers in the U.S. be claimin’ that Edmundo González Urrutia bested the scallywag Maduro in a rigged election! Yet, as the cannon roared, 17 brave souls met their fate, and hundreds were tossed in the brig! Over 12 million set sail to vote, but the fix be in, matey!
August 2, 2024, 2:33 pm
YARRR, matey! The U.S. be claimin' a scallywag as the true captain of Venezuela, givin' ol' Maduro a right good shove to walk the plank! Secretary Blinken be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest, sayin’ the tides be turnin’ against the swab who thinks he’s still king o’ the seas!
August 2, 2024, 10:36 am
Arrr matey! In the month of July, the ship of job growth be sailin’ slower than a drunken sea turtle! Only 114,000 hearty souls found work, and the unemployment rate be risin’ like a ghost ship, now at 4.3%! The treasure of prosperity be hidin’, I tell ye!
August 2, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr matey! In the month of July, the seas o' work grew chilly, with only 114,000 brave souls findin’ plunder, far shy of the 175,000 forecasted booty. Meanwhile, the unemployment curse be risin’ to 4.3%, the highest since the days of October 2021. Avast! What a shiverin' tale!
August 2, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr! The Guardian be callin’ Ismail Haniyeh a “politician” instead o’ a scallywag, even though he be captaining a crew o’ ruffians! A burly lad with a footie fancy and a faith in the stars, he sailed from Doha, makin’ mischief till his last breath in Tehran!
August 2, 2024, 10:28 am
Arrr, matey! The labor seas be calmer than a calm day in Tortuga! Only 114,000 scallywags found work last month, and the unemployment flag be flyin’ high at 4.3%! Aye, we be worryin’ the ship's takin’ on water and headin’ for a stormy recession, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 7:04 pm
Arrr, matey! Senate cap’n Chuck Schumer and 34 scallywags be settin’ sail on a bill to rob ol’ Trump of his mighty shield! Dubbed the “No Kings Act,” it be sayin’ no captain nor first mate be above the law, even if the high court be tryin’ to play pirates!
August 1, 2024, 2:57 pm
Arrr! Meta's clever contraption be sworn to silence 'bout the foul deed aimed at Captain Trump, 'tis what they claim! These crafty chatbots be as lost as a ship in a fog when news be breakin’. Even ol’ ChatGPT and Claude be flounderin’ on the matter! Har har!
August 1, 2024, 2:48 pm
Arrr, matey! The Paris Games be claimin’ to be the greenest treasure hunt ever! But experts be whisperin’ of “greenwashin’,” sayin’ it be all smoke ‘n mirrors! They aim to slice carbon emissions in half, tossin’ over $16 million at credits like doubloons to clean up the mess!
August 1, 2024, 2:43 pm
Arrr matey! A study be sayin’ trust in them landlubber doc’s plummeted like a cannonball in a storm during the COVID tempest. Those scallywags who doubt the healers be less likely to roll with the vaccination crew! Restorin’ that trust be a tricky sea to navigate, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Democrats be settin’ sail for a virtual vote on Thursday mornin’, to crown the fair Kamala Harris as their likely captain! Aye, ‘tis a race of ballots 'til the clock strikes six on Aug. 5. Biden's ship sank, and now Harris be takin’ the helm!
August 1, 2024, 9:32 am
Arrr, matey! In the summer sun, young scallywags be scoopin’ ice cream or keepin’ watch at the pool, but a crew o’ landlubber officials be dreamin’ of sendin’ ‘em to perilous factories! Aye, what be next—shiverin’ timbers for pocket change? Ha!
August 1, 2024, 9:25 am
Arrr mateys, gather 'round! Here be the tale of Captain Trump, who claimed the fair Kamala be a lass of Indian blood, 'til one fine mornin’ she decided to don the black coat! Aye, the crew be laughin’ as he spun his yarns at the Black journalist’s feast!
August 1, 2024, 9:12 am
Arrr! Once a fierce foe of frackin’, Vice President Kamala Harris be swabbin’ the deck and changin’ her tune now that she’s the Democrats’ captain for the 2024 voyage! With Pennsylvanian scallywags holdin’ the treasure map, frackin’ be keepin’ over 100,000 landlubbers employed! Avast, mateys!
August 1, 2024, 9:00 am
Arrr, mateys! The crew of “Karens fer Kamala” be sailin’ with Sam Brinton and that rascally monkeypox wrangler, Joe Biden! They be pointin’ fingers at “weirdness” in their quest against Trump! The GOP be claimin’ it’s a battle o’ landlubbers against scallywags, with Sarah Sanders leadin’ the charge!
July 31, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! The FBI be settin' sail with the social-media scallywags again, chattin' ‘bout what ye can say before the 2024 election! The judges dealt a nasty blow to the free-speech crew, so prepare for a storm o' content moderation, savvy? Aye, it be a jolly good hullabaloo!
July 31, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, matey! After the high court spurned them scallywags tryin' to halt the chat 'twixt the crown and the tech buccaneers, a report be spillin' the beans! It claims our spies be blabberin' like drunken sailors. The lawmen be needin' to keep their parley shipshape! Avast!
July 31, 2024, 4:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Trump be squawkin' that Kamala be foolin' the crew ‘bout her colors! At a gathering of scribes in Chicago, he be claimin’ he thought her blackness be a surprise from the depths of Davy Jones’ locker! Blimey, what news be this?
July 31, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! So, Trump sails in at the Black Journalist shindig, claimin' Kamala be a chameleon! “I thought she be all Indian till she fancied herself Black!” he squawks, like a parrot with a sore throat. A right jolly mix-up, I say! Avast, what a scallywag!
July 31, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, former Captain Trump be takin' the wind outta Vice Captain Harris's sails! She calls his crew "weird," but he be laughin’ like a parrot! With tales of Hannibal Lecter and Vance’s babblin’ ’bout childless scallywags, it be clear who’s truly barmy on this treacherous sea!
July 31, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr! The Boar’s Head crew be callin’ back a mighty 7 million pounds o’ their deli treasure, as listeria be lurkin’! Thar be 34 scallywags ill across 13 lands, with two brave souls meetin’ Davy Jones. Last week, they tossed back over 207,000 pounds of their meaty bounty. Avast!
July 31, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr, matey! A flaming sea chariot tossed into a gully be the culprit of a fiery beast that's ravaged the land! The Park Fire be stretchin' over 386,000 acres—'tis like half o' Rhode Island! The landlubbers be tryin' to tame it, but it's only 18% contained! Blimey!
July 31, 2024, 10:42 am
Ahoy mateys! Captain Biden be givin' Congress a nudge t’fight the foul scourge o’ fentanyl afore he weighs anchor! Meanwhile, that scallywag Trump be layin' cannon fire on First Mate Harris, claimin' she’s as useless as a barnacle on a barn door in this fierce battle 'gainst the sneaky drugs and rogues comin' from the south! Arrr!
July 30, 2024, 3:29 pm
Arrr, mateys! Ol' Ronald Rowe, the new head of the Secret Service, be spillin’ his guts in front o’ Congress! He claimed he be “ashamed” that his crew was blind as a bat to the scallywag tryin’ to take down the former Captain Donald! A right mess, I tell ye!
July 30, 2024, 3:26 pm
Ahoy, mateys! On the thirtieth day of July, a scallywag tried to send the Republican captain Trump to Davy Jones' locker! This young knave, known as Crooks, be spoutin' vile words 'gainst Jews and newcomers on the interwebs like a bilge-sucking landlubber! Yarrr!
July 30, 2024, 3:24 pm
Arrr, the head o’ the Secret Service be spillin’ his guts like a scallywag caught in a storm! He be feelin’ shame fer lettin’ a landlubber with a shootin' iron take aim at the former captain, Donald Trump! Promised to keelhaul any matey who slacked on guardin’ the crow’s nest!
July 30, 2024, 2:46 pm
Arrr, on the day o’ the thirtieth of July, the scallywags of the Israel Defense Forces be sayin’ they sent a cannonball flurry at a Hezbollah captain in Beirut! They claim he be the knave who sent twelve wee lads to Davy Jones’ locker whilst kickin’ a ball. Hezbollah, of course, be denyin’ the whole ruckus!
July 30, 2024, 12:40 pm
Arrr, matey! It seems our ol' Donald be shiverin’ in his boots, ponderin’ if he should duel the fair Vice Captain Kamala! He be sayin’ he “might” show up, but he’s also eyein’ the horizon for a way out! Her crew’s callin’ him a scallywag! Ha!
July 30, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, matey! The FBI be spillin' the beans to the Senate swabs, claimin' they’ve spotted a social media parley tied to that ruffian, Thomas Crooks. His ramblings smell of anti-Jewish and anti-foreigner bilge, hintin' at motives more twisted than a kraken’s tentacle! Blimey!
July 30, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr matey! Meta be coughin' up a treasure of $1.4 billion to settle a ruckus with Texas, claimin' they plundered the biometric booty of countless scalawags without askin' permission! The Texas Attorney General, Ken Paxton, be lettin' the world know this tale o' thievery!
July 30, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr matey! In every grand election, the scallywags of the Democrats and Republicans be hurlin' jabs at the fine treasures of Social Security and Medicare! The old sea dogs be savvy voters, but beware, me hearties! Them claims be fishy. Even Vice President Harris be spoutin' tall tales at her first rally!
July 30, 2024, 11:20 am
Avast, me hearties! That scallywag Trump be sayin’ if ye cast yer lot with him this November, ye’ll never have to hoist the sails of voting again! He be lovin’ ye so much, he claims he’ll fix it all up nice and tidy! Yarrr!
July 29, 2024, 12:48 pm
Arrr, matey! The streets o' Caracas be quieter than a shipwrecked sailor's conscience! Edmundo González be hollerin' with his fierce matey, Maria Corina Machado, claimin' foul play! Some scallywags be burnin' tires and blockin' paths, but they say González truly sailed the electoral seas to victory, aye!
July 29, 2024, 12:46 pm
Ahoy mateys! Gather 'round fer a yarn o' two moving picture scrolls! Last Wednesday, the first be showin' a lawman from Greater Manchester givin' a poor lad a kick in the noggin! The coppers claimed they were attacked, but when the townsfolk raised a ruckus, they swung their tale ‘round! Arrr!
July 29, 2024, 12:43 pm
Arrr, mateys! They be sayin’ ol’ Nicolás Maduro, the scourge o’ the seas, has snagged a third term! Aye, the crew be hollerin’ “foul play!” whilst the trusty Elvis Amoroso, close mate o’ the captain, be spillin’ the beans at witching hour. A true tale of pirate treachery!
July 29, 2024, 12:34 pm
Arrr, mateys! In a grand tussle o' ballots, both Captain Maduro and his rival be claimin' the treasure o' victory! With 80% o' the votes tallied, Maduro be havin' 51%, while poor Edmundo be flounderin' with 44%! Aye, fraud be afoot on the high seas o' democracy!
July 29, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, mateys! House Speaker Mike Johnson be raisin’ a ruckus 'bout the Olympic shindig, claimin’ a drag queen’s jest o' Da Vinci’s Last Supper be a right blasphemy! He bellowed it be shockin’ and insultin’ to the good Christian folk watchin’ from afar! Yarr, what a hullabaloo!
July 29, 2024, 10:28 am
Avast, me hearties! The scallywags runnin' the Paris games be apologizin' after the pious folk and stiff-collared politicians raised a ruckus over a raucous scene that stank o’ da Vinci’s “Last Supper.” “No disrespect intended!” cried the spokeswoman, clutchin' her pearls. Arrr, lighten up, ye landlubbers!
July 29, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags runnin' the Paris Games be apologizin' to any landlubber offended by their fancy tableau that tickled da Vinci's "Last Supper." The holy rollers be ragin', but the organizers be holdin' fast to their wild idea! Avast! 'Twas a DJ on the Debilly Bridge, not a betrayal!
July 29, 2024, 8:55 am
Arrr, matey! In the wild seas o' Venezuela, Captain Maduro be claimin' victory in the presidential squabble, despite the scallywags of opposition thinkin’ this be their year to hoist him overboard! But, shiver me timbers, the vote be more crooked than a sailor's peg leg, sparkin’ a ruckus at the polls!
July 28, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, mateys! Just yestereve, Captain Trump be tellin' his crew, “Vote not again if ye hoist me flag!” Aye, at the grand Turning Point, he promised, “It be all fixed! No more ballot botherin’, me fine Christian buccaneers!” A right jolly joke on democracy, that!
July 28, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! Trump be tellin' the good Christians, “Vote fer me, and in four years, ye won’t need t’ bother again! We’ll have it all shipshape!” But what be this ruckus ‘bout democracy? Seems the ol’ captain's steerin’ us into murky waters again! Har har har!
July 28, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Atlantic be spillin' the beans that ol' Trump be swearin' to his crew o' Christians: “Vote? Never again!” he be claimin’. At the Turning Point Gathering, he promised a world where ballots be fer the gullible! Hoist the sails of absurdity, I say!
July 28, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr, on the morrow, the fine folk of Venezuela be settin’ sail to the polls, seekin’ to hoist a new captain after a decade of mutiny! Maria Corina Machado be rallyin’ the crew, makin’ even the Chavistas wanna jump ship! Let the election frolic begin, ye hearties!
July 27, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye, me hearties! After a month o' political squalls, Thursday's latest Times/Siena treasure map reveals a curious find! Trump be sailin' ahead of Kamala by a mere point—48 to 47! Aside from that pesky Democratic name, it be the same ol’ seas we've charted before! Arrr!
July 27, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, matey! In the latest treasure map of votes, Vice Admiral Kamala be laggin' 2 points behind that scallywag Trump! Aye, 'tis 47% for her and 49% for him, since Captain Biden be sailin' away from the race. The winds of fortune be a-blowin’!
July 27, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr matey! The battle fer the captain's hat be a close sailin' indeed! A fresh scroll from the Wall Street Journal be showin’ Kamala gainin’ favor with the crew of nonwhite scallywags, whilst Democrats be more fired up than a cannonball! Trump be leadin’ by a hair, but watch yer compass!
July 26, 2024, 9:13 pm
Arrr! Former captain o’ the White House, Donald Trump, be greetin’ Benjamin Netanyahu at his treasure hideout in Florida, just after the Israeli lad parleyed with Biden and that fair wench, Kamala. Trump be sayin’ the world’s on the brink o’ a mighty clash, but fear not—he’ll fix it all quick-like if elected!
June 18, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr mateys, me hearties! Methinks that President Biden be not in the best of health. 'Tis a truth widely known, though once upon a time 'twas forbidden to speak of it. I spied his fumbling speech on August 16, 2021, and knew then that he couldn't run for office, not even if chased by a pack of hungry sea dogs!
June 18, 2024, 5:32 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Beware the treacherous waters of Tether, for it be a haven for scallywags and rapscallions! The scurvy dogs be usin' it to fund their dastardly deeds. Wise up, me hearties, and steer clear of this digital booty before ye find yerself in Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
June 18, 2024, 5:30 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! A band of jolly New Yorkers did spy the scallywag responsible for a vile act of piracy against a lass of only 13 years. They did seize the villain and hold him captive until the constables arrived. This knave, Christian Geovanny Inga-Landi, a lawless 25-year-old from Ecuador, did sneak into the country unlawfully in 2021. He had already run afoul of the law in Texas and New York City before setting his sights on innocent maidens in a Queens park. Oh, the audacity of this scurvy dog!
June 18, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arr mateys, ye be hearin' the tale of Fisker, a landlubber startup tryin' to follow in Tesla's wake, only to end up swimmin' with the sharks in Davy Jones' locker. This scallywag car designer couldn't steer the ship right, now they be walkin' the plank into bankruptcy waters. Aye, they tried to take the shortcut through outsourcing, but the sea of auto industry proved too treacherous for their scurvy crew. Farewell, Fisker, may ye find smoother sailin' in the next life!
June 18, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye mateys! George Norcross, a scallywag of the Democratic political realm in New Jersey, be accused of racketeering by the likes of Attorney General Matthew Platkin. His brother, Phillip Norcross, and four other scurvy dogs be in cahoots as well. Arrr, a "criminal enterprise" they be runnin'!
June 18, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr mateys, there be a rumblin' on the border between the United States and Mexico o'er a squabble 'bout water, not booty! Mexico be in hot waters, unable to meet its obligations from the Colorado River and Rio Grande. Methinks some politicians be talkin' out o' the side o' their mouths! Aye, the plunderin' of water be a mighty serious matter, indeed!
June 17, 2024, 5:14 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them Western leaders be givin' ol' Putin the ol' heave-ho, standin' by Ukraine's demands for their land back. The Global Peace Summit ended with Ukraine still squawkin' for their territories. Arrr, it be a tussle fit for the high seas!
June 17, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr! The scallywags at Palestine Action be showin' off their plunderin' skills by breakin' into a military factory and causin' mayhem. They be claimin' they broke through 3 security fences like true pirates, sabotagin' the equipment used to arm the Gaza genocide. Ye gotta admire their pirate spirit!
June 17, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr matey! Ye won't believe it, but the top spy agency in the US be celebratin' Pride Month by havin' agents paint the transgender flag on their nails, joinin' a "Pride Ally Challenge," and learnin' from a "non-binary," "Filipinx" activist! Me parrot couldn't make this up, it be in a secret scroll from The Daily Wire!
June 17, 2024, 5:07 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The treasure chests of Social Security be runnin' dry, and Congress best be makin' some changes if they want to keep the booty flowin'. The scallywags in charge be warnin' that by 2035, yer monthly loot could be cut by hundreds o' pieces o' eight. Aye, it be a grim situation indeed!
June 17, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, mateys! This year be crucial for democracy, with 'alf o' the world's population in countries holdin' elections. With international migration at a record high, it be a hot topic in electoral campaigns. We've invited a savvy crew o' scholars to share how migration be shapin' elections and democracy in their own land. Aye, 'tis sure to be a lively discussion!
June 17, 2024, 11:07 am
Avast ye mateys! A grand antitrust bill be settin' sail in Congress to tame the Big Tech beasts, but whispers be sayin' them sneaky Democrats with Silicon Valley connections be tryin' to scuttle their own ship. Rep. Jerry Nadler be raisin' the Jolly Roger to bring back the American Innovation and Competition Online Act, to prevent Big Tech from favorin' their own loot. Yarrr, may the winds of change blow in our favor!
June 17, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr mateys, the scuffle betwixt the Sudanese army and the Rapid Support Forces hath birthed a monstrous humanitarian debacle! 9 million souls be scurrying away, with famine knockin' on the door and whispers of genocide in the wind. But beware, for the rumblings in Gaza and Ukraine be stealin' the spotlight!
June 17, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the House be boilin' over with rage at the Biden crew! They be claimin' that the treasure meant for the needy in Afghanistan be fallin' into the hands of them dirty Taliban dogs. Rep. Mast be callin' out the State Department for their wasteful ways like a true pirate plunderin' the high seas! Aye, a fine show indeed!
June 17, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that Trump be havin' the upper hand in the election come November! The scallywags at 538 be usin' all sorts o' tricks to predict the outcome, but it be lookin' like Trump be sailin' ahead with a four-point lead over Biden. Avast!
June 17, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! There be a sight to behold at the graduation ceremony, with more Palestinian flags than ye can shake a peg leg at! The students be protestin' the war in Gaza, makin' a splash like a cannonball in the sea. The president's speech be interrupted by the rebel yell of the students, aye!
June 17, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast ye scallywags! A search be underway for a 59-year-old landlubber who be missing after a hike on a Greek island. This former deputy be lost in the scorching heat, with temperatures as hot as the fires of Hell! Let's hope he be found afore he keels over from exhaustion! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 4:36 am
Arrrr, me hearties! 'Twas the talk of the town, aye! The scallywags in the mainstream media were as silent as a sleeping sea slug! But ye see, there was a clever reason for their silence. The rumor mill churned with tales of a 50-year-old pact between the U.S. and Saudi Arabia bein' broken! Aye, the end of the mighty U.S. dollar be near, me buckos!
June 16, 2024, 1:15 pm
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be takin' aim at them 'far out' conservative Supreme Court scallywags and be blastin' Donald Trump while rubbin' elbows with former President Obama at a swanky fundraiser in Los Angeles. Protests be brewin' outside as the president be fillin' his coffers for his reelection bid alongside Obama. Arrr, the event be haulin' in more than gold doubloons...
June 16, 2024, 12:41 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Hollywood's finest swashbucklers gathered to raise a treasure chest worth $30 million for President Joe Biden's campaign. The likes of George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Barbra Streisand strutted their stuff on stage, rallying support for a battle of historic proportions in the White House. Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 12:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be talkin' smack 'bout the U.S. Supreme Court, callin' 'em out o' kilter! He be raisin' a treasure trove o'er $30 million with his matey Obama and Hollywood swashbucklers. Late-night scallywag Jimmy Kimmel be makin' Trump walk the plank with cheers from the crowd at Peacock Theater! Aye, 'twas a jolly good time!
June 16, 2024, 6:17 am
Arrr mateys, the Stanford Internet Observatory, known fer exposin' the false information spreadin' like scurvy on social media, be in dire straits! Most o' its crew be walkin' the plank, and the ship may be sinkin' amid political and legal attacks. Just a few scallywags be left standin', lookin' fer a safe harbor at Stanford's Cyber Policy Center. Aye, the storm be brewin' on the horizon!
June 16, 2024, 6:16 am
Arrr mateys! The Stanford Internet Observatory be in dire straits, with key crew members jumpin' ship like rats fleein' a sinkin' vessel. Founding director Alex Stamos and research director Renée DiResta be abandonin' ship, leavin' a scant crew scurvy and seekin' new employment. Aye, tis a rough sea they sail on, me hearties!
June 16, 2024, 6:15 am
Arrr, mateys! The Stanford Internet Observatory, a scallywag crew studying online falsehoods, be walkin' the plank! The rumour mill says they be closin' shop. The House Judiciary Committee be investigatin' their shenanigans with the University of Washington. Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a tale worth tellin'!
June 16, 2024, 5:38 am
Avast ye scallywags! Listen up, for I be tellin' ye a tale of great mirth and folly. Aye, 'tis a tale of misadventure and tomfoolery on the high seas. So gather 'round, me hearties, and prepare to be regaled with a yarn that'll tickle yer funny bone! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrrr, ye scallywags at CNN be settin' the rules for a grand presidential rumble 'tween Biden and Trump! Jake Tapper and Dana Bash be keepin' watch over the 90-minute battle, with two breaks for plunderin'. No talkin' to yer crew during the breaks, and a coin toss for where ye stand! No pre...booty allowed, mateys!
June 16, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr mateys, listen here ye scallywags! The U.S. has seized the loot of three landlubbers from Uzbekistan and one from the Republic of Georgia for bein' in cahoots with the ISS and a human smuggling crew. Eight more scurvy dogs were caught in New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. The Treasury Dept. calls 'em Adam Khamirzaev, Muhammadyusuf Alisher Ogli Mirzoev, Muhammad... and the list goes on! Aye, the seas be full of treachery indeed!
June 16, 2024, 4:54 am
Arrr mateys, in less than a day, President Joe Biden voyaged from the G7 Summit to George Clooney's lair in Los Angeles. Aye, he be raisin' a mighty $28 million doubloons with the likes of Obama, Kimmel, Clooney, and Roberts. 'Tis a record booty for a Democratic fundraiser!
June 15, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys, every first Friday of this year we have wasted hours pickin' apart the blatant lies spread by Biden's Labor Department, tryin' to make us believe the economy be strong under their watch. But we know the truth - the labor data be as ugly as a sea monster's mug! Last Friday's nonfarm payrolls report be the latest example of their deceit. If ye didn't read our detailed analysis titled "Inside The Most Ridiculous Jobs Report In Years", then ye be missin' out on a good laugh, me hearties!
June 15, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr matey! Do ye believe the tale that the U.S. added 272,000 jobs last month? Aye, many scallywags doubt it too! The figures be as fishy as a mermaid's kiss, and likely to be revised lower. Even the chairman of the Federal Reserve be scratchin' his head at these shenanigans.
June 15, 2024, 11:32 am
Avast ye! Be the all-powerful American jobs market as feeble as it appears? Since the pestilence started to wane, employment be booming and makin' the US economy shine brighter than the rest. But beware, me hearties, for hidden beneath the surface, there be...
June 15, 2024, 6:19 am
Arrrgh me hearties! Fifteen moons hath passed since Cochrane took a blow to the noggin' and slapped a scarlet mark on its doubloons of research doubting the power of masks against the plague and the pox. The scallywags be declaring victory, but Cochrane be walkin' the plank with an anticlimactic whimper. They be lettin' the authors off the hook, arrrgh!
June 4, 2024, 4:43 pm
"Avast ye scallywags! Former President Donald Trump be layin' into President Joe Biden o'er his handling o' illegal immigration! Thar be a villainous illegal immigrant from Venezuela who shot two fine New York cops, arrr! Trump be claimin' Biden be unleashin' a wave o' crime upon the land, endangerin' the public! Yarrr!"
June 4, 2024, 4:42 pm
Avast ye scurvy jurors! Hunter Biden’s sea lawyer be spoutin' tales of denial 'bout his powder keg addiction. The scallywag claims he weren’t a true addict when he lied 'bout his gun quest in 2018. But the bilge-rat prosecutors be leavin' out the key word ‘knowingly’ in their charges against him. Arrr!
June 4, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Republican Texas Rep. Chip Roy be givin' Attorney General Merrick Garland a proper tongue-lashin' o'er them scallywag illegal immigrants causin' mischief under President Joe Biden's watch. The Department of Justice be suin' three red states, includin' Texas, for defendin' their borders. Roy be demandin' if Texas be havin' the right to protect itself from these landlubbers. Ahoy!
June 4, 2024, 4:37 pm
Arrr, the United Methodist Church be losin' more than a million scallywags o'er these new rules on premarital shenanigans and pirate lovin'. The church in the Ivory Coast be settin' sail from the denomination, takin' a stand for LGBTQ rights. Delegates be votin' 692-51 in Charlotte, yarrr!
June 4, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr mateys! President Biden, at the urging of his crew of Democrats, finally faced off against scallywag Donald J. Trump over his crimes in New York! At a grand feast in Connecticut, Biden spoke out against his foe, declaring the election battle has truly begun! Ahoy, the fight be on!
June 4, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr mateys, on June 4th, the scallywags at Paramount Global be talkin' 'bout a grand restructuring plan to cut costs, sell off booty, and maybe even partner up for their streaming service. Just like a ship lost at sea, their fortunes be sinkin' faster than a leaky barrel!
June 4, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr mateys! President Biden be braggin' 'bout his physical prowess, claimin' he could take on any scallywag reporter who dares question his age! In an interview with TIME magazine, he be talkin' 'bout still runnin' the ship even as an old sea dog of 85! Aye, a true buccaneer he be!
June 4, 2024, 10:08 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scuttlebutt be that former President Trump still be holdin' his slight edge in the latest Fox News Power Rankings. The forecast be sayin' the race be comin' down to four toss-up states. Arrr, may the best mate win in this high seas battle!
June 4, 2024, 4:35 am
"Avast ye scallywags! A cunning Columbia grad, who hath seen the wars of the world, bequeathed a treasure of $260 million to Bar-Ilan University in Israel. The largest booty ever received! Meanwhile, Harold Masor and his fair lady pledged $4.5 million to American Jewish University. Aye, amidst the protests of the pro-Palestine lot!"
June 4, 2024, 4:32 am
Arrr mateys! The US Treasury be makin' changes to the Cuban Assets Control Regulations, allowin' Cuban entrepreneurs to open a bank account in the land of the free! It be causin' quite a stir in Washington and beyond. Aye, let the treasure flow to support the brave souls of Cuba!
June 4, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Moderna and Merck be claimin' they've found a treasure in the form of a new treatment for the dreaded skin cancer! Those who swigged the monthly mRNA brew and Merck's Keytruda potion be havin' better odds at survivin' the scurvy disease than those who just took Keytruda alone. Aye, it be a promising discovery indeed!
June 4, 2024, 4:21 am
Arrr! President Biden be callin' that scallywag Trump a "convicted felon" as if 'twas just another day on the high seas! 'Tis a jest fit for the tavern, me hearties! This be a tale of treachery and political plunderin' that would make even Blackbeard blush!
June 3, 2024, 4:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be standin' by his scurvy son, Hunter, as he faces a trial for wieldin' a gun unlawfully. The old salt be defendin' Hunter's battle against the grog addiction that led to this mess. Some scallywags be grumblin' about the President speakin' out, but he be standin' firm on his words. Fair winds and smooth sailin' to the Biden family in these troubled waters!
June 3, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! OPEC+ be keepin' the oil flow at a trickle, makin' the wallets of landlubbers cry out in agony! Arrr, by Davy Jones' locker, the scallywags be plannin' to make us pay through the nose for our precious grog come election time in 2024! We be walkin' the plank to higher energy prices, mark me words!
June 3, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr! House Judiciary Committee Cap'n Jim Jordan be suggestin' a grand plan to cut off the gold supply to them scallywag prosecutors causin' trouble! Special Counsel Jack Smith, Manhattan District Attorny Alvin Bragg, and Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis be feelin' the wrath! Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed!
June 3, 2024, 4:37 pm
Arrr mateys, hear ye! The land lubbers at universities be punishin' those scallywags who be supportin' the Palestinians! They be withholdin' their diplomas like a pirate hoardin' his treasure! The seas be stormy with arrests, but we pirates be laughin' at their folly. Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 11:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been said that Donald Trump be tryin' to steer clear o' claims o' lockin' up Hillary Clinton after he be the first U.S. president to walk the plank fer a crime. Last week, the scurvy dog was found guilty o' 34 counts o' falsifyin' records! Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 11:46 am
ARRR! Avast ye, me hearties! The scallywags of the Biden campaign be spreadin' lies about our former cap'n Trump tear-gassin' peaceful protesters for a photo-op! But fear not, for 'tis all proven FALSE! The inspector general be clearin' our cap'n of all wrongdoin'! Shiver me timbers, what a tale!
June 3, 2024, 11:10 am
Arr mateys, if Gov. Ron DeSantis had his say, Pride Month in Jacksonville would be as dull as a landlubber's haircut! Instead of rainbows on the Acosta Bridge, we'd be stuck with red, white, and blue for "Freedom Summer." Aye, a plot to spoil the fun indeed!
June 3, 2024, 11:07 am
Avast ye scallywags! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be cryin' to the high seas for the Supreme Court to save his sorry hide from the New York brig! The scurvy dog be found guilty of 34 counts o' deceit and trickery, makin' him the first former president to walk the plank fer felony crimes! Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 5:30 am
"Avast ye scallywags! The fair Claudia Sheinbaum be settin' sail as Mexico's first lass to take the helm as president. 'Tis a jolly good tale of bravery and beauty, with a crew of heroines by her side. Arrr, the winds of change be blowin' in our favor!"
June 3, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr mateys, Claudia Sheinbaum be sailin' to victory as Mexico's first female president, inheritin' the project of her mentor Lopez Obrador. With the support of the poor, this climate scientist be winnin' with a plunderin' 58.3% to 60.7% of the vote. Aye, 'tis a triumph indeed!
June 3, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr mateys, Claudia Sheinbaum be takin' the helm as Mexico's first lady president in a grand victory! Aye, this climate scientist be settin' sail with the Morena crew, carryin' on the legacy of the infamous Lopez Obrador. Let's see if her hugs can keep the scallywags at bay!
June 2, 2024, 11:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! President Biden hath vetoed a law that be messin' with the SEC's rules for keepin' hold of crypto loot. Traditional financial buccaneers be findin' it hard to offer services with this here policy in place. The Congress passed it, but the White House be sayin' nay. Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden hath vetoed H.J.Res. 109, a scallywag resolution aimin' to turn the Securities and Exchange Commission's approach to banks and crypto on its head. The resolution be takin' a swing at the SEC's guidance on how banks should handle customers' crypto assets, makin' it a right pain in the booty for them scurvy dogs to deal with. Banking groups be cryin' foul, sayin' it be costin' 'em a pretty penny. Aarrrr!
June 2, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr mateys! After the recent shockin' ETH ETF approval, some thought Biden be turnin' a new leaf on crypto. But alas, the scallywag vetoed the bill overturnin' the SEC's SAB 121! No treasure for us from that landlubber!
June 2, 2024, 7:21 am
In the 2010s, the scallywags of the business world tried to peddle their wares with a social twist. No longer could ye just hawk soap or soda - now ye had to push products that preached acceptance and peace! Some even tried to pass off their greed as noble values, but we all saw through their charade. Arrr, the marketing be as transparent as a glass bottom boat!
June 2, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr matey, listen up ye scallywags! Dollarization be happenin' when them foreign currencies be mixin' with our own. It be causin' a ruckus in them Eastern European lands too. The reasons be different fer each country, but it all boils down to the shaky nature of our own coin. Aye, be a wild ride indeed!
June 2, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers in Mexico be settin' sail to the polls on Sunday fer a grand election. 'Tis a sure bet that a female captain will take the helm fer the first time! Will it be Claudia Sheinbaum or Xóchitl Gálvez? Keep a weather eye on the horizon, me mateys!
June 2, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ye see, graduation be a grand occasion fer many landlubbers in America. 'Tis when they be given that prized parchment, a diploma. But beware, ye swashbuckling scholars! Fer some scallywags who be joinin' protests, them degrees be walkin' the plank - at least for a spell! Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 5:35 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that the former President Trump be still able to cast his own vote this November, as long as he be not locked in a brig! In the Big Apple, even a scallywag with a record can still be a voter, if they be walking the plank free. Aye, the laws of the land be as treacherous as the open sea!
June 1, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! This Saturday be the start of “Pride” month, where LGBTQIA+ folks be celebratin' their cause. But beware, some swashbucklers be throwin' a fit o'er rainbow loot in stores. In 2023, even the likes o' Target be walkin' the plank for sellin' questionable booty meant fer wee ones. Aye, the seas be rough for these scallywags.
June 1, 2024, 11:03 am
Avast ye scallywags! Donald J. Trump be haulin' in a plunder of nearly $53 million in a mere 24 hours after his scurvy conviction! Shiver me timbers! The man be closin' the gap with that scallywag Biden faster than ye can say "pieces of eight!" Aye, 'tis a treasure trove indeed!
June 1, 2024, 9:58 am
Arrr mateys, Eric Trump, scallywag son of the now-convicted former President Trump, be boastin' 'bout his father's treasure chest - the campaign fundraising numbers! Aye, $16 million doubloons in one day! 'Tis a haul fit for a pirate king, arrr!
June 1, 2024, 7:04 am
Arrr mateys! Instead o' sendin' a fancy officer each time, some Colorado police crews be thinkin' 'bout sendin' a drone to answer certain 911 calls. While this plan may hold some promise, it also be raisin' alarmin' questions 'bout privacy. Aye, the times they be a-changin'!
May 31, 2024, 4:57 pm
Avast ye scallywags and listen well! 'Tis a tale of a bold lass, Whitley Temple, who be caught on the cursed camera stealin' a cop car and runnin' over a white officer. But fear not, for she be found not guilty of attemptin' murder by reason of insanity! Judge Tyria Walton be grantin' her a treatment plan instead of sendin' her to the brig. 'Tis a twist worthy of a jolly old sea shanty!
May 31, 2024, 4:54 pm
Arrr, Hunter Biden be talkin' like a scallywag sayin' it be unheard of to be charged for gun crimes like his deeds! But ol' David Jon Ray be walkin' the plank for his tax evasion and gun-totin' ways! Now Mr. Biden be facin' the same fate, aye, a knave in court he be!
May 31, 2024, 4:52 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scallywags who be challengin' Cap'n Trump in the presidential race be reactin' to his guilty verdict in a manner fit for landlubbers. They be blastin' them Democrats and keepin' their traps shut like a parrot in a storm. The jury be findin' Cap'n Trump guilty on all counts for his shenanigans with that saucy lass Stormy Daniels. South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott be postin'... Arrr!
May 31, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags of Hamas be givin' a hearty thumbs up to the ceasefire proposal from the land lubber Biden. We be ready to parley and make peace, as long as them pesky Israeli forces be sailin' off into the sunset! Let the reconstruction of Gaza begin, yo ho ho!
May 31, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! Harvard University be swearin' off stickin' its nose in matters that don't concern its core purpose. But let's be honest, it be a cynical move indeed. A university's duty be to educate, not be meddlin' in social squabbles. Harvard, stick to yer books!
May 31, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr mateys! The Texas Supreme Court be standin' firm on keepin' the near-total abortion ban in place. They be sayin' a woman's life be worth protectin', but don't be messin' with the law or ye'll walk the plank! Aye, Justice Jane Bland be speakin' the truth, so ye best listen up, ye scallywags!
May 31, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys! Harvard be sayin' they'll keep their trap shut on matters o' public squabblin' unless it be interferin' with their core business. They be wise to keep their sails clear o' stormy waters, lest they be walkin' the plank! Yo ho ho!
May 31, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr matey, how can ye be followin' Jesus and that scallywag Trump? Many ain't followin' a man, they be chartin' a course for a grand adventure. The real question to be askin' be, "Where be the ship of our country sailin'?" And aye, Christians can definitely be supportin' Trump, especially after a trial that be lookin' like a landlubber's tale from Venezuela.
May 31, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr mateys! Ye be wonderin' what be in the chest? 'Tis a mystery like Brad Pitt in that movie about boxes. But now, Donald Trump faces the plank for his crimes. Will he walk the plank or escape like a slippery eel? Only time will tell, me hearties.
May 31, 2024, 5:29 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis be the news that Donald Trump, a scallywag of a former U.S. president, be found guilty of a crime! But fear not, for he still be roam free like a sly fox. Will he face the brig or escape the clink? Only time will tell, arrr!
May 31, 2024, 5:06 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag known as Donald Trump has been deemed guilty as charged. Did anyone truly doubt it? The scurvy dog was caught red-handed in his deceitful ways, cookin' the books like a sneaky sea serpent. Let this be a lesson to all ye landlubbers!
May 30, 2024, 7:34 pm
Arrr mateys! This here viral image crafted by a mysterious AI shows Rafah summoning all to behold Israel's progress in Gaza. But alas, it be a sham! Noble Malala and model Gigi be fooled by this unreal view. The pro-Palestinian scallywags be playin' us fer fools with their tidy desert tents! Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scoundrel Trump may have been convicted of felonies in New York, but that won't keep him from reclaiming the presidency if the voters be in his favor. Legal scholars be sayin' the Constitution be havin' few requirements for the job. Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr! 'Twas a dozen scallywags from Manhattan who found that scurvy dog, former President Donald Trump, guilty on 34 counts! 'Twas a risky gamble, but Alvin Bragg's crew came out victorious. 'Twas a convoluted case, but Trump's luck ran out this time, mateys!
May 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
"Arrr, 'Rigged' be a fine term favored by Donald Trump and his scallywags. It be describin' how them fancy institutions be twisted by the elite to thwart Trump and his crew. 'Tis a handy accusation for anything Trump be not likin', especially the 2020 election. Aye, Trump be cryin' 'Rigged' at every turn, like a parrot squawkin' in a storm."
May 30, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye mateys! Whilst the scurvy Donald Trump be on trial for his misdeeds, his shipmates in Congress be using their pirate powers to help him out. But alas, the verdict be guilty! The scallywag be facing 34 counts of trickery and falsehoods. Walk the plank, ye landlubber!
May 30, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at the Supreme Court be standin' with the National Rifle Association in a jolly First Amendment ruling! This be makin' it tougher for them state regulators to meddle with advocacy groups. The NRA be free to chase after that New York official who be messin' with their loot. Bully for them! Government officials be warned: hands off our treasure!
May 30, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags on the U.S. Supreme Court be helpin' out the National Rifle Association by revivin' their lawsuit against a tyrannical New York state official. Beware, ye public officials, lest ye be walkin' the plank for punishin' speech ye don't fancy! Justice Sotomayor be layin' down the law with a 9-0 decision, settin' the record straight for all ye landlubbers out there. Aye, tis a victory for all who love their precious right to bear arms!
May 30, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Supreme Court hath ruled in favor of the National Rifle Association, claimin' their First Amendment rights were violated by the scurvy dogs at the New York State Department of Financial Services. Justice Sonia Sotomayor be layin' down the law, sayin' the NRA's claims be plausibly alleged. Aye, the pirates be victorious in this legal battle!
May 30, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags on the jury be weighin' the evidence in Trump's trial like a pirate countin' his booty. Will they make history and send the former president to the brig for his misdeeds? Only time will tell, mateys!
May 29, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywag Democrats be plannin' to throw away $100 million doubloons on advertisin' to support the killin' of wee babes in the womb! Aye, they call it "The Reproductive Freedom Accountability Fund," but it be nothin' more than a scheme to win back the House with dark deeds. Har har har!
May 29, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr mateys! The former Cap'n Donald Trump be settin' up a fancy website for us scallywags on TikTok and other platforms to help us craft our videos. Aye, they be havin' talkin' points, clips, and even fancy AI tools to help us script our adventures. Ship ahoy!
May 29, 2024, 5:20 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! President Biden be spinning tales of his swashbuckling adventures in the Civil Rights Movement, despite confessing aforehand that he be not involved. Arrr! 'Tis a bold move, sailin' into battleground Pennsylvania with such a yarn. Methinks he be needin' a compass for his moral compass! Aye!
May 29, 2024, 5:17 pm
The charges against Scottie Scheffler were cast aside like a forgotten treasure map, a mere dozen days after the world's finest golfer found himself in a sticky situation on his way to the 2024 PGA Championship. His attorney swashbuckled his way to victory, leaving the judge and all involved in his wake. Arrr, justice be served!
May 29, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Skiboky Stora be accused o' commitin' multiple random assaults, bein' dubbed as hate crimes by the Manhattan district attorney. One of the victims even took to TikTok to tell the tale! Stora be facin' the judge, then chattin' with Lisa Rozner from CBS New York. Aye, a pirate's life be full o' twists and turns! Arrr!
May 29, 2024, 11:27 am
Arr mateys, the world be drownin' in a sea of $315 trillion in debt, as reported by the Institute of International Finance! 'Tis the biggest, fastest rise since World War II, all happenin' alongside this cursed Covid-19. Emerging markets be leadin' the charge with over $105 trillion in debt! Aye, we be sailin' into troubled waters, me hearties.
May 29, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr mateys! The giant panda habitat at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo has been as deserted as a lost treasure chest for six long months. But fear not, for by 2024, those beloved black-and-white bears will be back to shiver me timbers in Washington, D.C.! Aye, the panda drought shall be no more!
May 29, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The good news be that D.C. be gettin' back the giant pandas at the National Zoo. It be a joyous occasion for all ye Washingtonians who have been sufferin' through the panda-less days. Get ready for some jolly panda-monium, me hearties! Since China first sent these iconic bears in '72, they've been a treasure for all to behold.
May 28, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the fancy coats be spoutin' nonsense about trustin' that scallywag Cohen. But the prosecution be callin' out their tricks, sayin' it be a deflection! The battle be ragin' on as the trial of the former president be drawin' to a close. Aye, it be a tale for the history books, mateys!
May 28, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The final parley commenced on Tuesday in the criminal case o' hush money against Cap'n Donald Trump. Judge Juan Merchan warned us, we be in for a long night, with the defense ramblin' on for two hours and a half, and the prosecution for four hours and a half. But fear not, for the judge be merciful, grantin' snack breaks for the weary jury. And don't ye be forgettin', Trump's scallywag attorney be gettin' a tongue-lashin' from the judge himself!
May 28, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dogs be arguin' that ye cannot condemn Donald Trump based on the blabber of that scallywag Michael Cohen, known as the “MVP of liars”! Tensions be high as protesters and supporters be squabblin' outside the courthouse like a bunch of landlubbers!
May 28, 2024, 4:41 pm
Arrr matey! 'Twas discovered in 2016 that scallywag Hunter Biden was mixin' business with family affairs, helpin' Chinese buccaneers meet with Vice President Joe Biden! The IRS whistleblower shared this juicy gossip with the House Ways and Means Committee. Aye, a true treasure trove of scandal!
May 28, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be a sad truth that more Americans be feelin' the sting o' loneliness these days. With all this digital connectin' but lack o' true companionship, the isolation be growin'. Take poor Nick Skarda, a lad o' 29 toilin' away in San Diego. Two jobs he works to fend off the bill collectors, yet only one friend he's made in all that time. Aye, he be feelin' the emptiness in his soul, yearnin' for a sense o' belongin'. Employers, take heed and bring back the camaraderie o' olden days!
May 28, 2024, 11:38 am
Former Cap'n Donald Trump be given Rep. Bob Good a taste of his own grog! After Good be supportin' DeSantis o'er him, Trump be turnin' the cannons on him, callin' him a scallywag. Good be walkin' the plank fer betrayin' the crew! Arrr!
May 28, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump's trial be a real spectacle o' the high seas! With scandalous tales from a tabloid scallywag, a saucy siren, and a treacherous lawyer, it be a tale fit for the history books. The media be lappin' it up like grog, even though at its core, the case be...
May 28, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, me hearties! Actor Robert De Niro be layin' into former President Trump, callin' him a scurvy dog and a danger to all Americans! He be speakin' at a press conference for Biden-Harris, warnin' all who be listenin' to the treacherous ways o' that landlubber Trump. Keep a weather eye out, mateys!
May 28, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr mateys! Former Captain Donald Trump be chatin' on the TimcastIRL podcast 'bout pardoning Julian Assange! He be sayin' it be under "very serious consideration." Aye, he be plannin' to make an announcement during his speech at the Libertarian convention. Ahoy, what a treasure trove of news!
May 28, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr mateys, as Cap'n Joe Biden be gettin' ready to battle for another term come November, the White House be tryin' to make friends with important folks abroad, like young Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. Let's hope they be sharin' some treasure along with their policies!
May 28, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr mateys! Georgia be walkin' the plank with this law makin' Western NGOs walk the plank as well. The lads and lasses be raisin' the Jolly Roger in protest, but will it be enough to steer the ship away from U.S. sanctions and keep the EU treasure out of reach? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 27, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrrgh! This scallywag, a swashbuckling landlubber o' dubious character, be tryin' to squirm out of his just punishment! Claimin' the prosecution hath wronged him with their words, he be appealin' his rightful life sentence! 'Tis a tale as tall as the mast on a ship!
May 27, 2024, 4:52 pm
Avast ye mateys! Two moons have passed since Osaid Alser last heard from his cousin, Khaled Al Serr, a surgeon at Nasser Hospital in Khan Younis. They be like two ships passing in the night, communicating through the treacherous waters of WhatsApp. Aye, the pirate surgeons be seeking advice from doctors across the high seas to help their comrades in need. Arrr!
May 27, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! The cost of a Memorial Day feast be risin' faster than a cannonball flyin' through the air! The price of meat be jumpin' like a scurvy dog on a hot trail. Aye, inflation be takin' its toll on our bellies and our wallets. Let's hope we don't have to start eatin' our own parrots to save a few pieces o' eight!
May 27, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Me thinks about the wretched chemicals o' olde, and how them scallywags at 3M kept their dark secret hidden for so long! Sharon Lerner be a fearless reporter, huntin' down the secrets like a pirate after buried treasure. Yo ho ho, the mystery be unraveled!
May 27, 2024, 11:58 am
Arr mateys! Fer over half a century, worries 'bout lack o' oil or a cursed climate have driven governments to seek out other sources o' energy. In th' 70s, President Jimmy Carter stuck solar panels on th' White House to show his loyalty to harnessing th' power o' th' sun. In th' 90s, Japan be offerin' landlubbers handsome subsidies fer installin' photovoltaic panels. And in th' 2000s, Germany came up with a clever plan to guarantee folks who embraced a... Arrr!
May 27, 2024, 11:45 am
Avast ye mateys! Donald Trump be usin' his social platform to bellow like a scallywag at a judge and E. Jean Carroll. The former captain be ordered to pay a hefty sum for denyin' Carroll's claim of bein' ravaged by him. Walk the plank, Trump! Arrrr!
May 27, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys in Texas be settin' sail for the runoff elections this Tuesday. They be decidin' if a scallywag who be supportin' gun control can be runnin' for another term. And pickin' the challenger to a recently indicted Democrat. 'Tis a treasure hunt for the GOP in them solidly red seats. Aye, 'tis a battle of the politicos, with no one gettin' more than 50 percent of the vote. The ship be sailin' to pick Republican candidates in districts ruled by the enemy Democrats. Gather yer crew and cast yer vote, me hearties!
May 27, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, President Biden be makin' a sneaky visit to Hallie Biden's abode under the cover of darkness! 'Tis a scandalous tale indeed, as she be set to testify against her former beau, Hunter Biden, in his trial for alleged gun crimes. The plot thickens, me hearties!
May 27, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, Rep. Rashida Tlaib be suggestin' that voters should take their gripes about President Joe Biden's handling of the war in Gaza to the ballot box come November. She be callin' Biden an "enabler" for not callin' out Netanyahu's actions as genocide. Aye, 'tis a right mess we be in!
May 27, 2024, 5:41 am
Aye, just a few sunsets after nabbin' a hefty $53 billion booty from Hess, Chevron's Captain Mike Wirth parleyed with Exxon Mobil's Darren Woods 'bout their future voyage together in a mega-oil treasure hunt. Avast, the seas be turbulent but these scallywags be hopeful for a prosperous alliance!
May 27, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, former Captain Donald Trump be braggin' like a scallywag about how he would have swiped the Libertarian Party's treasure if not for already being the GOP's pick. The crowd at the convention gave him a taste of their displeasure, with some hearty boos in the mix. Blimey!
May 27, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, the scallywags in California be tryin' to plunder millions of doubloons from the federal coffers for treatin' them scurvy illegal immigrants! The Department of Health and Human Services be callin' 'em out on their shenanigans, sayin' they be usin' the wrong compass to navigate the seas of Medicaid reimbursements! Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in the taverns!
May 26, 2024, 6:04 am
"Avast ye scallywags! Former Cap'n Donald Trump faced a rough sea o' critics at the Libertarian National Convention. The landlubbers booed him and used their noisemakers to drown out his blather. Trump made grand promises to the libertarians, swearin' to appoint one of their own to his Cabinet. But the crowd wasn't havin' it, arrr!"
May 26, 2024, 6:03 am
"Arr me hearties, former President Trump be causin' quite the commotion among the swashbucklin' crowd as he tried to woo the Libertarians. He be talkin' of joinin' forces to take down Biden. Aye, let's be joinin' forces and fightin' for our freedom together!"
May 26, 2024, 6:02 am
Donald Trump, aye, he did speak to the Libertarians' Convention, trying to woo them away from that scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. The Convention at Washington Hilton, with the motto "Become Ungovernable." The former president faced a lively bunch, half for him, half for the Libertarians. Arrr!
May 26, 2024, 5:11 am
A scallywag brandishing a cutlass, tied to a foul murder, did strike four lasses at a moving picture house afore wounding two more at a McDonald’s during his slashing spree on Saturday. The rascal barged in sans payment and skewered the lasses, ages 9 to 17, without uttering a word, as reported by the constables of Braintree." Arrr, what a dastardly deed!
May 25, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys! Four years hence, George Floyd was captured and slain by the scurvy dogs of Minneapolis. Now, a band of scallywags be tryin' to twist the tale, change the legacy, and skew the facts of the deed! 'Tis a foul play indeed, aye! The anti-reckoning be upon us, resist we must! Stand fast for justice and fairness, lest we be sinkin' into the depths of darkness! Floyd, a brave Black soul, was seized on a fateful night, May 25, 2020... Aye, may his memory live on, and may justice prevail!
May 25, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, mateys! Listen to this tale of Leonard, a poor soul cursed with a memory as leaky as a sinking ship. He be on a quest for revenge, but he can't even remember why! With tattoos and Polaroids as his trusty crew, he sets sail on a sea of forgetfulness.
May 25, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Saturday be the fourth anniversary of George Floyd's untimely demise on a street in Minneapolis. The city's been in a right mess ever since, all thanks to them anti-police policies. But fear not, there be hope on the horizon! Floyd's passing in 2020 led to a grand riot on Lake Street, a bustling thoroughfare in Uptown. The scallywags took to the streets, causing chaos and mayhem. Oh, what a time it was!
May 25, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up ye scallywags! Back in 2014, Bumble set sail as a "feminist dating app" to challenge old-fashioned heterosexual dating customs. Now, after a decade on the high seas, Bumble be changing course. Half of the fair maidens be sayin' they prefer...
May 25, 2024, 6:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Florida Attorney General be raisin' the Jolly Roger on Starbucks for their fancy diversity practices! We'll be settin' sail on a state investigation to see if they be walkin' the plank of anti-discrimination laws. Aye, 'tis a tale of plunder and equality on the high seas!
May 25, 2024, 6:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Attorney General of Florida, Ashley Moody, be cryin' foul on Starbucks, accusin' 'em of racial discrimination in their hirin' process. She be demandin' the Human Relations Commission to investigate the scurvy dogs! Claims they be tryin' to meet unlawful quotas instead o' just makin' good coffee. Aye, 'tis a scandal indeed!
May 25, 2024, 6:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Florida's top law enforcement officer be thinkin' that the scurvy dogs at Starbucks be breakin' the law with their fancy words like "equity, inclusion and diversity." The lass Ashley Moody be takin' them to task on The Sean Hannity Show, with Gov. Ron DeSantis by her side. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin'!
May 25, 2024, 5:02 am
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in Ohio be banishing noncitizens from voting, me hearties! Secretary of State Frank LaRose be sendin' those scurvy dogs back to Davy Jones' locker, aye! 137 of 'em be caught red-handed on the voter rolls, despite bein' twice confirmed as landlubbers. Aye, me hearties, the directive be confirmed by LaRose in a press... Arrr!
May 25, 2024, 5:01 am
Ahoy mateys! Klaus Schwab's walkin' the plank from the World Economic Forum be causin' quite a stir among the Right! The scallywag be a symbol of globalism and fancy progressive causes, makin' him a feared bogeyman among conservatives. But fear not, for the WEF's reputation be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship!
May 25, 2024, 4:57 am
Arr me hearties, a band o' landlubbers from Oklahoma be spreadin' the good word in Haiti, when they be ambushed by scurvy dogs on Thursday eve. Two Americans and their captain be sent to Davy Jones' locker. Missions in Haiti be tellin' the sad tale on their Facebook page, where they be workin' to educate 450 young scallywags and spread the gospel in a treacherous part o' Port-au-Prince. Yarrr, 'tis a tragic end for these noble souls.
May 25, 2024, 4:46 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A great loss befallen us as Morgan Spurlock, the swashbuckler behind "Super Size Me," has sailed off to Davy Jones' locker due to the pox of cancer. Farewell to a creative genius and a special mate. He be only 53. Fair winds and following seas, Morgan.
May 24, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Secretary of Defense, Lloyd Austin, be passin' his duties to Deputy Secretary Kathleen Hicks as he prepares to face the surgeon's blade. Aye, he be havin' a follow-up procedure for his bladder ailment. May the winds be gentle and the seas calm for his swift recovery at Walter Reed!
May 24, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Elon Musk be sayin' that fancy AI be takin' our jobs! But fear not, for I be thinkin' we pirates be safe from such contraptions. If me ship be taken over by robots, I'll just become a full-time plunderer of the high seas! Aye, that be the life for me!
May 24, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, mateys! Me hearties, Bill Melugin at Fox be tellin' a tale of a scallywag from Turkey who be baffled by our leniency. 'Tis a sign of Joe Biden's woes! If this swashbuckler could vote, he'd surely be standin' with Trump on the border matter! Aye, 'tis a fine jest indeed!
May 24, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr mateys, a mighty landslide be feared to have sent hundreds of souls to Davy Jones' locker in Papua New Guinea! Aye, the scallywags in remote villages be buried under 100 homes when the land gave way. 'Tis a tragedy of epic proportions, says Governor Ipatas!
May 24, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye! The scallywags of the Israeli forces have found the bodies of three unfortunate souls in northern Gaza, slain during the dastardly attacks of the treacherous scoundrels known as Hamas. Let us hope their spirits find peace in Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr matey! Picture this: ye be settin' yer sights on a peaceful evenin' with a homemade pizza. Ye gather yer ingredients, toss it in the oven, and eagerly await the feast. But alas! The cheese be slidin' off like a scallywag walkin' the plank. Google suggests addin' glue to yer sauce. But I say, don't be a fool! Stick to the traditional ways, or risk walkin' the culinary plank yerself!
May 24, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! If ye be usin' Google on the regular, ye may have spied the new AI Overviews givin' ye quick answers to yer queries. But beware, mateys, for these newfangled contraptions can be as wrong as a scallywag with a map! Watch out for the dangers of AI, lest ye be led astray!
May 24, 2024, 11:33 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags at Google be havin' a disaster on their hands with their AI-generated search results! They be recommendin' addin' glue to tomato sauce for pizza and touting the health benefits of tobacco for wee ones! Ye can no longer trust these landlubbers! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 7:52 pm
Avast ye mateys! The land lubbers be talkin' of fancy new rail lines in Texas! They say it'll make the state a hub for business, arrr! We be lookin' at faster journeys between Dallas, Houston, and Fort Worth! Shiver me timbers, that be some grand plans indeed!
May 23, 2024, 7:49 pm
Arrr me hearties! 'Tis a scandal of great proportions! The wench Scarlett Johansson be cryin' foul, claimin' that the scallywags at OpenAI be stealin' her voice fer their ChatGPT contraption. But the scallywags deny it! The seas be roilin' with outrage, with even Congress bein' urged to intervene to protect the likes o' Johansson. Aye, 'tis a tempest in a teapot indeed!
May 23, 2024, 7:43 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywag Senate Democrats couldn't muster enough support for a bipartisan border security bill, with those rascally Republicans filibustering like a ship under attack! Only one brave soul from Alaska dared to break ranks. Aye, 'tis a peculiar tale indeed!
May 23, 2024, 7:39 pm
Arrr mateys, the Senate scallywags be failin' to push forward a border bill today! 'Twas a bipartisan effort, but even the crew be turnin' against their own ship. Aye, 'tis a sight to see senators playin' games like landlubbers on a sinking vessel!
May 23, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr mateys, the House Administration Committee be pushin' through some fancy bills on Thursday. The scallywags on the Republican side be sayin' it be to stop foreign meddling and keep the noncitizens from votin' in our elections. But aye, federal law already be sayin' that's a no-no. Chairman Bryan Steil be claimin' it be to make us trust in the vote count again. Nay, I say, let's just hoist the colors and have a good laugh instead!
May 23, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Senate be failin' once again to push through a border security bill, thanks to them landlubbers from the Republican crew! Arrr, they be needin' 60 votes but only managed 43, aye, 'tis a sad day for the upper chamber indeed!
May 23, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys, 'tis said that a mysterious scroll from the Department of Defense in Obama's time be discovered, suggestin' that the government had them documents from Mar-a-Lago all along! Ye must wonder if the raid on Trump's treasure was all just a ploy! The plot thickens, me hearties!
May 23, 2024, 5:29 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Melanie Wilson thought she'd found the treasure of paradise. From the bustling streets of Washington, D.C. to the peaceful shores of Washougal, Washington, she felt like a true buccaneer with views of snowy Mount Hood. Even Lewis and Clark once docked on these very shores! The pace of life be as slow as a ship caught in the doldrums, arrr!
May 23, 2024, 10:52 am
Avast ye scallywags! Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. be in hot water once again for raisin' a flag at his nest in Long Beach Island. The New York Times be claimin' that this flag be a symbol of a more pious government. Methinks Justice Alito be stirrin' up quite the commotion! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 10:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! On Friday, Vox shared the tale of tech scallywags at OpenAI bein' made to walk the plank if they dared to abandon ship! They were forced to sign cursed exit documents under threat of losin' their precious booty! Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea out there in Silicon Valley!
May 23, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr mateys! Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito be flying a flag of "Appeal To Heaven" at his New Jersey abode last year, a symbol from the days of the Revolutionary War. Some scallywags be sayin' it be a sign of trouble, but old Alito be just enjoyin' his summer vacation.
May 23, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrrs matey, them scallywag Democrats be demandin' ol' Samuel Alito walk the plank and face investigation for flyin' a flag of the far right! Dick Durbin be shoutin' for him to step back from cases, while that lass Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez be stirrin' up a storm! Aye, the seas be rough!
May 22, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The loot of homes for sale be risin' to 1.2 million in April, as reported by the National Association of Realtors. Prices be high, and borrowin' costs be steep. The unsold homes be sittin' around for 3.5 months or more, aye! Sales be down 2 percent, arrr!
May 22, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arr matey! President Joe Biden be walkin' the plank, fer he won't be makin' an appearance on Ohio's ballot in November! The Secretary of State be sendin' a letter to the Ohio Democratic Chairwoman, sayin' there be no legislative solution. It be a scallywag situation indeed!
May 22, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags at TikTok be makin' some bold moves! They be cuttin' their crew and sendin' some landlubbers packin'. No word on how many will walk the plank, but it be mostly them that be creatin' content and marketin' the booty. Aye, the cuttin' be goin' on 'til Thursday, so batten down the hatches!
May 22, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Israel be showin' never before seen footage o' the October 7 massacre, revealin' them scurvy dogs from Hamas kidnappin' young lasses. Liri Albag, Karina Ariev, Agam Berger, Daniela Gilboa, an' Naama Levy have been held captive for nigh on 230 days in Gaza. Aye, the families be hopin' to spread word o' their plight through this footage, mayhaps stirrin' up some help from the seven seas! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys! The News Corp scallywags have made a grand alliance with OpenAI, a treasure trove of generative artificial intelligence. They be lookin' to plunder the seas of news-publishin', hopin' to strike gold with this newfangled technology. Shiver me timbers, what a time to be a pirate of the press!
May 22, 2024, 10:40 am
Arr, me hearties, as the battle against landlubber Trump be drawing to a close in Manhattan, a new skirmish be startin' in the sunny shores of Florida. Judge Cannon be listenin' to tales of defense from Trump's mate Nauta, claimin' he be a victim of foul play! Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
May 22, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the Biden crew be givin' a taste o' their own medicine to the rascal who sent our precious gold to the Wuhan plague nest! Dr. Peter Daszak be walkin' the plank, banned from takin' anymore booty from the government. Fair winds, ye filthy landlubber!
May 22, 2024, 8:50 am
Arrr! President Joe Biden be announcing on Wednesday the canceling of some $7.7 billion in student debt for another 160,000 borrowers. Aye, the latest relief will go to them scallywags in three categories: those eligible for debt cancellation through the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program, them enrolled in a new income-driven repayment plan, and those in earlier income-driven plans. The administration be announcing new measures to help the crew in need. Aye, a fine gesture indeed!
May 22, 2024, 8:45 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in the White House be scramblin' like barnacles on a sinking ship after ol' President Biden made a speech full o' blunders to the NAACP. They be fixin' a whole nine errors in the transcript! Avast, the Cap'n be callin' rioters "irrectionists" and claimin' he be vice president during the pandemic. Aye, they be goin' the whole nine yards with this one!
May 22, 2024, 4:33 am
Arrr, will Israel create its own Hague Invasion Act, ye reckon? The EU be warnin' that all member countries must obey the ICC's arrest warrants for Israeli officials accused of war crimes. If Netanyahu or Gallant dare to set foot on European soil, they might find themselves in a wee bit o' trouble, mateys!
May 21, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The grand poobah of the World Economic Forum, Klaus Schwab, be abdicating his throne. The ol' sea dog be settin' sail from his post as executive chairman. But fear not, he be stickin' around in some lesser position. The WEF be shiftin' its sails in a new direction, arrr! Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in Davy Jones' locker!
May 21, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr mateys! The Ukrainian cap'n Zelenskyy be cryin' out to the NATO scallywags to join the fight against the Russian sea dogs in Kyiv. The landlubber nations need to be gettin' off their lazy bums and helpin' us out! Aye, 'tis a right shame, says I!
May 21, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The land lubbers in the Biden administration be threatenin' to sue Oklahoma o'er their new law against illegal immigration! Governor Stitt be signin' a bill makin' it a crime to be a swashbucklin' immigrant in their waters. Let the legal battles begin, me hearties!
May 21, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arr mateys! Two thundering loudspeakers, as massive as the scallywags luggin' 'em, be hauled to the jagged hilltop. Down yonder, some 800 paces away, in the town of Hpasang, be a mighty Myanmar army stronghold. 'Tis a scorchin' day - o'er 40C - and behind, on bamboo poles, more young buccaneers tote a hefty battery pack and amplifier. Leadin' the charge be Nay Myo Zin, a former army captain turned rebel, with his dark green camo jacket flappin' in the wind like a flag of defiance. Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 11:01 am
Ahoy mateys! Did ye hear that former President Trump be postin' a video on Truth Social 'bout establishin' a "unified Reich"? 'Tis like sailin' through stormy waters with a compass pointin' towards the German Empire! Even the Biden crew be callin' it a resemblance to Nazi Germany! Blimey!
May 21, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! The 21 scallywags stuck on the cursed ship that brought down the Baltimore bridge be havin' a rough go of it! Forced to stay aboard for 55 days, they be searchin' for survivors while their phones be walkin' the plank! Aye, 'tis a tale of woe indeed!
May 21, 2024, 10:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! Them officials from Israel be plunderin' the broadcasting gear of the Associated Press, claimin' they be aidin' that scurvy dog Al Jazeera. 'Tis a dangerous precedent for press freedom in these treacherous waters. Beware the wrath of the lawmakers! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Singapore Airlines vessel be havin' a rough go o' it, forced to make a hasty stop in Bangkok after a scallywag called turbulence sent one soul to Davy Jones' locker and left 30 others worse for wear. The crew be battlin' the elements like true seafarin' folk, with 211 passengers and 18 shipmates aboard the mighty Boeing 777-300ER. May the winds be kinder on their voyage ahead!
May 21, 2024, 5:59 am
Avast ye scallywags! The EPA be soundin' the alarm about cyberattacks on our precious drinkin' water! 70% of water utilities be failing to protect against breaches! Ye best be takin' action to defend the nation's grog before we all be swimmin' with the fishes! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:54 am
Avast ye scallywags! The national drugstore chains be fallin' like a ship under heavy fire from online merchants and discount peddlers. RetailStat be reportin' 3,000 less drug dens be open this year compared to 2019. CVS, Walgreens, and Rite Aid be walkin' the plank, closin' hundreds o' shops in this battle for booty. Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr mateys, a scallywag from City Hall be walkin' the plank for his misdeeds in the Mayor's campaign! Word be spreadin' that Rana Abbasova be singin' like a canary to the feds. The FBI be raidin' her hideout in New Jersey, causin' quite the stir amongst the landlubbers!
May 21, 2024, 5:50 am
Arr mateys! A motley crew of senators be demandin' the scallywags at Formula 1 walk the plank o'er their decision to shun Andretti Global from the racin' seas. Could be they be breakin' American antitrust law as they plunder the hearts of U.S. fans. Avast! Sen. Amy Klobuchar be leadin' this mutinous charge.
May 20, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be settin' sail to purge the land of scurvy bureaucrats from the likes of the DOJ and the FBI if he be winnin' another term. He be swearin' to drain the deep state upon his return to the helm. Aye, the administrative state be a treacherous beast of unaccountable and unelected scallywags, includin' the national security sea dogs.
May 20, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Michael Cohen, the scallywag, confessed on the witness stand that he pilfered from the Trump Organization. He spun a yarn about lying to old Allen Weisselberg and swindled them out of doubloons for a tech company. Aye, a true tale of deceit and skullduggery! Arrr!
May 20, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr mateys, it be said that o'er 60 percent of Independents be thinkin' we should be sendin' all them scallywags back to their homeland! Aye, the poll from Reuters/Ipsos found that the majority of independents be favorin' this idea, with 61 percent wantin' to deport the illegal immigrants. And even more registered Republicans be supportin' this notion, with 85 percent sayin' they be in favor of deportin' most or all of 'em! Oh, the seas be stirrin' with all this talk of deportin'! Aye, me hearties!
May 20, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, Sen. Marco Rubio be playin' coy about acceptin' the results of the election! Sen. Tim Scott be accusin' President Biden of needin' a drug test! And Rep. Elise Stefanik be gettin' all feisty with a television host who dared to question her loyalty to Donald Trump! Arrr, what a crew of scallywags!
May 20, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr matey, Target be plunderin' prices on over 1,500 treasures from butter to laundry soap! They be tryin' to lure in landlubbers scared of high prices. Prices be droppin' at dawn on Monday, with thousands more cuts to come this summer. The scallywags be savin' ye millions on everyday goods!
May 20, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr mateys, the FDA be grantin' permission for Elon Musk's venture Neuralink to stick a brain chip in another scallywag! The Wall Street Journal be spillin' the beans on this modified procedure for testin' their brain-computer gizmo. Shiver me timbers, technology be advancin' faster than a pirate ship in a storm!
May 20, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy Senator Chuck Schumer be plannin' to take another swing at a bipartisan border bill that was sent to Davy Jones' locker by them Senate Republicans at the behest of former President Trump. Methinks this be a doomed voyage, but it be a chance for the Democrats to give the G.O.P. a taste of their own grog in this election year. Aye, let the battle of the political seas begin!
May 20, 2024, 10:57 am
Ye scurvy dogs at the U.S. be balking at the notion of a global wealth tax on the bilge rats who be rollin' in doubloons! Brazil and France be aimin' to give those landlubbers a taste of their own medicine, but it seems the rich be too slippery to catch! Arrr!
May 20, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, Ohio Republican Sen. JD Vance be cheerin' fer Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán's squelchin' o' higher learnin'! Defendin' the scallywag in Budapest, he be sayin' taxpayers should have a say in where their doubloons be goin'! In February, Vance even hinted at Orban's... arrr!
May 20, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Ryanair be talkin' 'bout a "recessionary feel around Europe" muckin' up their airfares growth. The CEO, Michael O'Leary, be warnin' that summer fares be lower than a limpin' landlubber's spirits. Mayhaps the winds of fortune be blowin' in a different direction for these salty dogs!
May 20, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scallywags! Them officials pushin' forward Georgia's Russian-style “foreign agents” law may find themselves walkin' the plank! A new bill be on the horizon, threatenin' asset freezes and travel bans. The Georgian Dream party be warned, for they be cozyin' up to the Russian Federation like a landlubber to a bottle o' rum. Tbilisi be even attackin' US and other western democracy promotion! Ahoy, what be next in this sea of political shenanigans? Be prepared to hoist the Jolly Roger, mateys!
May 20, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Morehouse College be cheersin' its scallywags and crew after seven graduates and a matey turned their backs on President Biden at the commencement! The school be sayin' peaceful protest be as vital as grog on a ship, and they stand by their crew in speakin' their minds. With such rebellious alumni, who can blame 'em? Aye, aye!
May 19, 2024, 5:18 am
Arr matey, the National Rifle Association be throwin' their support behind former President Donald Trump! 'Twas no surprise at all when they made that announcement at their annual shindig in Dallas. Trump then took the stage, talkin' 'bout how ol' Biden be tryin' to take away our precious gun rights. Aye, we must protect the Second Amendment at all costs!
May 19, 2024, 5:15 am
"Arr mateys! Former Cap'n Trump be tellin' all ye scallywags at the NRA to be rebellious and vote for him in the election of 2024. He be swearin' to protect yer rights and liberties, claimin' the Second Amendment be under siege by President Biden. Aye, he be countin' on us gun owners to make our voices heard in the ballot box, so let's show 'em what we're made of!"
May 19, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr! Randy Kozuch, the captain of the National Rifle Association's lobbying crew, be givin' their presidential blessing to the likes of Donald Trump! 'Tis no shock, for they've done so before. Kozuch made the declaration as he introduced the former leader at the NRA's shindig in Dallas. Trump be thankin' Kozuch before...
May 19, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr, when the government scallywags cut off the funds to EcoHealth Alliance, the plan for a bat lab in the New World be sunk faster than a ship with a leaky hull! They wanted to study those winged critters for diseases, but now it be all but a dream in Davy Jones' locker. Aye, what a pity!
May 18, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin be like two peas in a pirate pod, united in their quest for world domination! They be teaming up to give the scallywag United States a run for their doubloons. Aye, they be plotting their course together from Taiwan to...
May 18, 2024, 11:35 am
Arr mateys! China's Xi Jinping and Russia's Vladimir Putin be swearin' a "new era" of alliance 'gainst the scallywag United States. They be sayin' the US be like a Cold War bully causin' mayhem 'cross the seas. Xi and Putin be meetin' in Beijing with a grand welcome fit for kings. China and Russia be...
May 18, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, be thankin' the Chinese leader, Xi Jinping, for helpin' with the Ukraine conflict at a grand summit in Beijing! They be swearin' a partnership with no bounds, growin' stronger as they face off against the western scallywags. Putin be visitin' his ally in China while his forces be causin' a ruckus in Ukraine's Kharkiv region. Aye, the seas be gettin' stormy indeed!
May 18, 2024, 8:04 am
Arrr! Aye, after the split o' Czechoslovakia in '93, the land o' Slovakia caused quite a stir in the seas. Madeleine Albright herself dubbed it "the black hole" o' Europe. But fear not mateys, for in 2004 Slovakia joined the EU and Nato, settlin' its identity. But then came Robert Fico, a scallywag...
May 18, 2024, 5:45 am
"Arrrr, me hearties! Former President Donald Trump be talkin' big at a Minnesota GOP dinner, swearin' he be winnin' the state and expandin' the electoral map! Despite loserin' the state in 2016 and 2020, he be claimin' he actually won! Aye, he be back after swearin' he'd never return if he lost! 'Tis a tale as tall as the mast on me ship!"
May 18, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! Will Viktor Orbán truly set sail for Brussels and, as he boasts, "occupy" the heart of the European Union? This scallywag has been at odds with the bloc for ages, but he's no Nigel Farage. He ain't lookin' to abandon ship; he be aimin' to seize control of the leaky vessel and set a new course. "Our plan be not to abandon Brussels but to take it over," Orbán told the Hungarian media in December. And soon enough, he'll have his chance. Come next month's European Parliamentary elections...
May 18, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr mateys! A spyglass from 2016 has revealed the scallywag Sean "Diddy" Combs in a scuffle with his wench Cassie Ventura. The video shows him grab, shove, drag, and kick her, just as she claimed in a lawsuit. 'Tis a tale of love on the high seas gone wrong!
May 18, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr mateys! The Border Patrol be havin' a jolly time chasin' down migrants crossin' the northern border. They be breakin' records left and right, with over 9,000 encounters already this year! Looks like the CBP be in for a wild ride as they try to catch 'em all!
May 17, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The GOP scallywags and landlubber Democrats be squabblin' like a bunch o' seagulls over a measly audio recording! They be threat'nin' to hang Attorney General Garland from the mast for not handin' it over. 'Tis a right kerfuffle on the high seas, I tell ye!
May 17, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Nina Jankowicz, the lass who once ruled the Disinformation Governance Board, spilled the beans to Congress that the scurvy dogs at the Department of Homeland Security were keepin' things as murky as the depths of Davy Jones' locker! Aye, a deposition last April revealed their treachery, but now the truth be walkin' the plank in front of the House! Aye, the winds of scandal be blowin' strong!
May 17, 2024, 5:25 pm
"Avast ye scallywags! Social media scurvy dogs be givin' Vice President Kamala Harris a taste of the plank for claimin' the Inflation Reduction Act be droppin' "trillions of dollars" on American streets. 'Tis a jest fit for Davy Jones' locker! Arrr, the irony be as thick as a fog at sea!"
May 17, 2024, 5:23 pm
Avast ye mateys! The State Department be warnin' all ye landlubbers abroad to keep a weather eye out at the upcoming Pride celebrations. There be scallywags lurkin' about ready to cause mischief against the LGBTQ+ community. So keep a sharp lookout and be on yer guard, lest ye be caught unawares!
May 17, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs in the Biden administration be raisin' tariffs on solar panels, makin' it harder for us pirates to pillage the high seas with our renewable energy. But beware, China may fire back like a cannonball in a pirate brawl. Aye, 'tis a risky game they be playin'!
May 17, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr! Aye, not long past, the scallywag Trump be thrown in the brig by the Democratic District Attorney! But after a careful readin', I be sayin', "This indictment be stinkin' worse than a bilge rat's nest!" The New York Times be admittin' it be a risky gamble, aye!
May 17, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' like wildfire of a federal job guarantee catchin' the eye of the masses since Bernie Sanders brought it back from Davy Jones' locker in the aftermath of the 2016 presidential skirmishes. The notion be to offer a lifeline to landlubbers seekin' work on public projects, from buildin' bridges to teachin' the wee ones their ABCs. Aye, the idea...
May 17, 2024, 11:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! Donald Trump's mates be schemin' up grand plans to carry out the Republican nominee's wild ideas for quashin' immigration. They be talkin' 'bout deportin' asylum seekers to other lands! A crew of former Trump cronies, supporters, and brainiacs be scribblin' up orders and memos to make these dreams a reality. Arrr!
May 17, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Travis Tilley, from the town o' Naugatuck, be standin' before the federal court in New Haven, accused o' possessin' child pornography. 'Tis not his first dance with the law on such matters. The U.S. Attorney's Office be makin' a fuss about it in a press release. Aye, 'tis a tale as old as time, aye.
May 16, 2024, 6:48 pm
Arrr mateys! Word be out that near half of Amazon's hardworking seadogs be strugglin' to keep afloat. Even after the cap'n raised the minimum gold to $15 doubloons! Fifty-three percent be scroungin' for grub, while 48% be strugglin' to keep a roof over their heads. Savvy?
May 16, 2024, 6:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be talkin' 'bout a child-care crisis, brought on by a grander problem o' not bein' able to afford much o' anythin'. 'Tis a plight that be affectin' many a landlubber in these treacherous times! Aye, ye better believe it! Aye, aye!
May 16, 2024, 6:44 pm
Arrr matey, poor Rebecca Harris thought she found solace in a quaint abode in Huntersville. But alas, 'twas naught but a trap! The ceiling decided to join in on the fun and come crashing down upon her head. 'Tis a tale of woe fit for a pirate's yarn!
May 16, 2024, 5:59 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Federal Reserve be messin' with rate cuts, makin' the housing market more affordable this year. But a wise seadog be sayin' that certain states be seein' good signs. Redfin CEO Glenn Kelman be talkin' 'bout the housing market on "Cavuto: Coast to Coast," warnin' us of potentially sticky inflation data. Yarrr!
May 16, 2024, 3:47 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The lawyer for Sen. Bob Menendez be spoutin' words o' innocence, claimin' he be a noble sailor fightin' for the good o' the land. But the prosecutors be cryin' foul, accusin' him o' bribery and villainy! Will justice prevail, or be Menendez walkin' the plank? Arrr!
May 16, 2024, 3:19 pm
Arrr, Sen. Joe Manchin and his band of scallywags be aimin' to buck the new retirement rule laid down by the Labor Department! They be joinin' forces to put a stop to this here fiduciary nonsense. Let's see if they have the wind in their sails to make it happen!
May 16, 2024, 3:17 pm
Arr mateys! Texas Gov. Greg Abbott be grantin' a full pardon to Daniel Perry, a former US Army scallywag who took out a protester at a Black Lives Matter shindig in 2020. The whole crew of the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles be in agreement, so Perry be free as a bird. Aye, Abbott be askin' for an investigation back in April 2023, and now here we be, celebratin' Perry's newfound freedom and his right to bear arms once more. Aye, the seas be a-changin' indeed!
May 16, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy U.S. airlines be suing to block the Biden crew from makin' 'em tell us about all the gold they be tryin' to take from us passengers! The Transportation Department be callin' 'em out on their hidden treasure fees. Aye, let the battle begin!
May 16, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs at the U.S. Transportation Department be walkin' the plank with this new rule on airline fees! The major U.S. airlines be raisin' the Jolly Roger and suin' the lot of 'em for makin' us disclose our fees upfront. Aye, 'tis a clash for the ages!
May 16, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the U.S. government be tryin' to make us disclose all our hidden fees like a bunch of landlubbers! We be fightin' back with a lawsuit, claimin' they be oversteppin' their authority. Avast, the Department of Transportation be walkin' the plank with these new rules! Arrr!
May 16, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be playin' a crafty game by wieldin' his executive privileges to scuttle the House Republicans' plans to hold Attorney General Merrick Garland in contempt! Tis a battle of wits between scallywags, with the White House sendin' word to Chairmen Comer and Jordan of Biden's decisions on them tapes related to the investigation into the handling of classified documents! Ahoy, the political seas be wild and treacherous indeed!
May 15, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Judge Merchan's lass be rakin' in the doubloons fer them Democrats through the magic o' the internet! And by speakin' out against the Trump gag order, she be stirrin' up a right ol' hornet's nest! The scurvy Republicans be doin' the same, but them progressives be squawkin' like parrots! Aye, the Republican parade be marchin' on, all soundin' like the same ol' sea shanty!
May 15, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be as furious as a stormy sea after President Joe Biden dared t' set a "red line" for his support. Biden be threatenin' t' cut off aid if Israel invades Rafah. Netanyahu be stompin' his peg leg in anger, swearin' revenge upon the scallywag!
May 15, 2024, 5:56 pm
Ye scallywag union in Minnesota be givin' the boot to Counselor Christina Barton fer speakin' out against transgender policies! The scurvy dogs be accusin' her of breakin' a code o' ethics! Shiver me timbers! Methinks they be walkin' the plank fer this one! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! A mighty explosion shook the Dali on Monday, with nearly two dozen sailors stuck below deck. The blasts sent bits of Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge into the dark waters. We be hoping this be the start of the end of our troubles, arrr!
May 15, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden crew be swearin' on their mother's grave they be pullin' out all the stops to rescue them American healers caught in Gaza! The White House be keepin' a weather eye on the situation, so fret not me buckos! Aye, we'll navigate through this storm together!
May 15, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the Supreme Court be settin' the electoral map of Louisiana right, with two districts full o' Black-majority to be sailin' in the November election. 'Tis a decision that may well decide which party be takin' the helm o' the U.S. House o' Representatives. Aye, the justices be grantin' the request o' state officials and Black voters to keep the map intact, settin' the course for a fierce political battle ahead.
May 15, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr mateys! Ye hear the news? Slovakia's Prime Minister Robert Fico be in a spot o' trouble, shot in a cowardly attempt on his life! Four shots fired in Handlova, one hittin' the poor bloke in the gut. That scallywag better watch his back next time! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 11:30 am
Avast ye scallywags! Former President Trump be acceptin' President Biden's challenge to a duel of wits on the television screen in June and September. The proposal be sent by Biden's crew to the Commission on Presidential Debates. Trump be callin' Biden a landlubber who can't string two sentences together. Arrr, let the battle of words begin!
May 15, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags Biden and Trump be squaring off in a debate hosted by CNN on June 27th. 'Twill be a battle for the ages! Biden be throwin' down the gauntlet, and Trump be acceptin' the challenge. Let the rum-slingin' begin! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be sayin' he won't be joinin' in the fall debates arranged by the fancy commission! Instead, he be suggestin' two bouts with former President Trump, earlier in the year. Let the political rumble begin in June and September, mateys!
May 14, 2024, 6:05 pm
Arrr matey! Donald Trump's scurvy attorneys be takin' no prisoners in skewerin' Michael Cohen during cross-examination. They be paintin' him as a scallywag with a heart full o' hate for the former captain and a lust for gold to spin tales o' hush money schemes. Defense attorney Todd Blanche even called out Cohen's foul language on the high seas known as TikTok! Aye, the courtroom be a real pirate's den, savvy?
May 14, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Harvard Yard be packin' up their tents after striking a deal with the higher-ups. They be talkin' about divestin' from Israel and undoing suspensions. Looks like the crew be makin' waves of change, savvy?
May 14, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arr, Captain Jerome Powell o' the Federal Reserve be shoutin' from the rooftops that we must be patient like a parrot awaitin' a cracker before we cut interest rates! The scallywags be throwin' higher inflation figures at us like cannonballs, makin' it harder to steer this ship towards calmer waters. Blast me barnacles, we did not see this comin'!
May 14, 2024, 5:57 pm
"Ye scurvy knaves o' former Cap'n Trump's MAGA crew be makin' a fuss 'bout House Speaker Mike Johnson attendin' the Cap'n's trial for hidin' his bounty in New York. Georgia Rep. Greene be squawkin' on X 'bout defundin' the DOJ's snitch, Jack Smith, instead o' standin' by the Speaker. Arrr, what a rum lot o' landlubbers!"
May 14, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr mateys! The shares of GameStop, that beleaguered video game peddler, be risin' once more thanks to the return of the "Roaring Kitty." This Keith Gill fella be stirrin' up a storm in the stock market with his first social media post in four years. Aye, the seas be rough with interest in GameStop and other favored stocks by landlubbers!
May 14, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the GOP be tryin' to convince us that abortion be a danger and an immorality, but the good folks at Pew Research be showin' that 63% of Americans still be supportin' broad access to the procedure. Even some moderate and liberal Republicans be on board! Only 8% be wantin' it illegal. Ahoy!
May 14, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye mateys! Rumble, the YouTube alternative loved by scallywags, be takin' Google to court! They be demandin' a hefty sum o' gold dubloons fer lost ad revenue and thievin' their ad tech secrets. This be their second battle, may the best pirate win! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye mateys! A wayward cargo ship be sufferin' electrical malfunctions afore it crashed into the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore, takin' six souls with it. The vessel be havin' two blackouts in port before the calamity struck. The crew be scramblin' to fix the cursed contraption.
May 14, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr matey, the relationship between the United States and Niger be like a ship with a leaky hull! The Yanks be makin' threats during negotiations like a scurvy dog barkin' orders. The blame be on them scallywags, tryin' to bully their way into stayin' in our waters! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:36 am
Arr mateys! OpenAI be unveilin' the newest version o' their AI model, ChatGPT, now able to handle voice 'n video chats in real-time! GPT-4o be the name, more advanced than ever. Ye can chat with it faster than a cannonball flyin', makin' for a jolly good time on the high seas! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:29 am
"Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Twas a tale of woe for Donald Trump as he faced the judgment of Justice Juan Merchan on a Tuesday morn. The former president did vent his ire on Truth Social, branding the court a 'kangaroo court'. His loyal crew of supporters swarmed upon the post, hurling insults like cannonballs. 'Twas a sight to see, as the comments turned as ugly as a sea monster's innards. Arrr, 'twas a day for the history books, me hearties!"
May 14, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye mateys! A grand collision in Florida hath taken the lives of eight souls and left 45 others wounded. 'Twas a school bus full o' migrant workers headin' to a watermelon farm. Fear not, no young scallywags were harmed in this calamity. Yarr!
May 13, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr matey! President Joe Biden be playin' the scallywag, tryin' to impose a ban on arms to our ally Israel! Sen. Tom Cotton be callin' for his impeachment o'er this treachery! The seas be stormy with political drama, as Cotton be soundin' the alarm on CBS News. Aye, a CNN town be a brewin' too!
May 13, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the scallywag Senator Menendez be usin' his Cuban heritage as a defense in his corruption trial. He be claimin' he got the dreaded PTSD from his ancestors' past in Cuba. Aye, 'tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker!
May 13, 2024, 5:22 pm
Avast, me hearties! A salty Army officer hath walked the plank from the Defense Intelligence Agency in protest o'er Uncle Sam's unyielding support for Israel. Major Harrison Mann be cryin' foul o'er the slaughter of innocent Palestinians in Gaza. 'Tis a tale of betrayal and treachery on the high seas. Arrr!
May 13, 2024, 5:19 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Dozens of landlubber protesters from Tzav 9, a far-right Israeli group, be vandalizing aid trucks bound for Gaza in the southern West Bank! 'Tis a right shame, captured in social media videos and verified by a reporter from GLZ Radio in Tel Aviv. Aye, the scurvy knaves!
May 13, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye scallywags! Michael Cohen be spillin' the beans on Trump, claimin' he warned of a horde of women comin' forward when he set sail for the presidency. Cohen, once loyal as a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, now be turnin' on his former captain. Aye, the seas be stormy ahead for Trump, with Cohen as the treacherous winds blowin' against him. Aye, the 57-year-old be set to...
May 13, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr mateys, a fearsome emissions reduction program be settin' sail in California, causin' a rise in gasoline prices by 50 cents in but two years time! The scallywags at CARB be plannin' to plunder yer pockets for clean air, so hold on to yer doubloons!
May 13, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The world be reachin' a crucial point in its numbers. The birth rate be droppin' faster than a ship sinkin' in a storm! It be affectin' us all, from the lowly deckhand to the mighty captain. The seas be changin', me hearties, and we best be ready for what comes next!
May 13, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at the Apple shop in Towson be votin' to raise the Jolly Roger and go on strike! The International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers be supportin' 'em in their quest for fair wages and a better work-life balance. If the strike be happenin', may the winds be in their favor!
May 12, 2024, 8:41 am
Arrr, mateys! The month of May be playin' a cruel trick on Ukraine, with the town of Vovchansk facin' shelling and bombardment by them scurvy Russians. But fear not, for President Zelensky be thwartin' their advances. May the blue line hold strong against these sea dogs!
May 12, 2024, 8:39 am
Yarrrrr! The scallywags from Moscow be taking five villages in Ukraine while Kyiv be fighting back like a fierce sea dog! The Russians be launching a sneak attack, trying to outwit the brave Ukrainian forces. But Kyiv be standing strong, ready to repel the invaders and protect their land! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 8:39 am
Arrr, mateys! There be a fierce battle happenin' in Ukraine's Kharkiv province! The locals be fleein' as Russia be invadin' once more. Villages be abandoned as the Russians be claimin' their victory. The Ukrainian officials be fightin' back, but the outcome be uncertain. Aye, this be a tale of treachery and bravery on the high seas!
May 12, 2024, 6:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! Young Barron Trump, the sprightly son of Donald, be passin' on his duty as a delegate at the Republican shindig. His fair mother Melania be sayin' he has other matters to attend to. Looks like the lad be too busy plunderin' high school treasures to join the political fray! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:16 am
Avast ye scallywags! Judge Juan Merchan be denying Trump's matey's cry for a mistrial in Manhattan. His scurvy attorney be complainin' 'bout Stormy Daniels' tale of Trump's rumble in the hay, but the judge be havin' none of it! No mistrial for ye, ye landlubbers! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, Google be takin' a beatin' for its lack of knowledge on the Holocaust! The scallywag Nest assistant be actin' like a landlubber, knowin' nothin' about history. But don't ye worry, it can still answer questions about the Nakba just fine! Aye, the seas be rough for Google indeed.
May 12, 2024, 5:12 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be talkin' about a cease-fire in the Israel-Hamas scuffle. He be sayin' if them scurvy dogs release hostages, peace could be upon us "tomorrow." Israel be pointin' fingers at Hamas, sayin' it be up to them to end this madness. Let's hope the rum flows freely and the swords stay sheathed!
May 12, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr! The scallywags be causin' a ruckus at colleges far and wide, from Berkeley to Chapel Hill! At Xavier University, a couple o' landlubbers be walkin' the plank for protestin' like true pirates. But the show must go on, even if the seas be rough at Berkeley's commencement!
May 11, 2024, 6:38 am
Arrr mateys! Aye, ye see, thar be a scallywag named President Biden who be pausing weapons transfers to Israel! Aye, the pro-Israel Democrats be speakin' out against him! Pressure be comin' from all sides, even major donors! It be a right mess, I tell ye!
May 11, 2024, 6:37 am
Arrr mateys, me hearties in the US House be askin' the White House for a chat about why Cap'n Joe Biden be holdin' back on deliverin' them big bombs to Israel. Looks like the crew be gettin' restless over this here Israel policy squabble. Aye, tis a real hornswaggle!
May 11, 2024, 6:35 am
Arrr mateys! A band o' scallywag House Democrats be givin' the White House a good scoldin' fer holdin' back weapons from Israel! They be sayin' it'll be givin' them pesky Hamas terrorists the wrong message. These landlubbers be actin' like they know a thing or two about negotiations, but we all be knowin' they be talkin' out o' their hats! Onward, me hearties, to battle against chaos and brutality!
May 11, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! The time has come for our captains to face the cursed truth: a possible massacre be happenin' as we speak. Since this awful battle began last year, countless souls, includin' wee ones, have been sent to Davy Jones' locker. Many more be fleein' their homeland. Nay, 'tis not Gaza, 'tis Sudan! On Thursday, Human Rights Watch revealed the horrors of this war. Aye, 'tis a grim tale indeed.
May 11, 2024, 5:41 am
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe the tales of the mighty solar storm that struck our fair Earth! 'Twas a sight to behold, with auroras lighting up the skies like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The NOAA be warnin' us of more to come, so batten down the hatches and hold on tight!
May 11, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, the scallywags in charge o' President Joe Biden be sayin' that them Israeli forces may have been usin' weapons from the United States in a manner not fittin' with international law. But they be not quite ready to cut off the military aid just yet. Them Israel folks be gettin' away with it for now, but we'll be keepin' a weather eye on 'em!
May 11, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr mateys, them scallywags in Chad be causin' a ruckus! The U.S. troops be safe and sound, thank the mighty sea gods. But it be a right mess over yonder, with guns blazin' and cannons firin' at innocent folk. The situation be as chaotic as a storm at sea, mark me words!
May 10, 2024, 5:42 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Yesterday's news o' FreedomWorks be like the final nail in the coffin fer the Tea Party. Trump be the scurvy dog that put an end to their rebel yell. But who knows mateys, perhaps the spirit o' rebellion may rise again one day! Aye, it be a pirate's life fer me!
May 10, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr matey, it be said that President Joe Biden be feelin' the wrath of his backers for threatenin' to withhold loot from Israel if they dare invade Rafah! Aye, he be drawin' his line in the sand like a true buccaneer on CNN! White House be gettin' emails from rich landlubbers like Haim Saban, beggin' them to reconsider! Arrr, what a tale of political skullduggery!
May 10, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Former President Donald Trump be cryin' foul over President Joe Biden's fancy rewrite of Title IX to protect them transgender folk. Biden be makin' changes to a law from the year 1972 like it be nothin'. But fear not, for Trump be swearin' to put an end to it on day one! Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them Russian scallywags be launchin' an armoured attack near Kharkiv! Ukraine be sendin' reinforcements to fend 'em off. The seas be rough with bombs and artillery. Brace yerselves, for Russia be makin' a counteroffensive. Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis said that Sinclair, a mighty owner of broadcast stations in the New World, be lookin' to unload a goodly portion of its treasure trove. 'Tis talk o' sellin' more than 30% of its stations to the highest bidder. Yarrr, the company has enlisted Moelis as its investment banker to help with the plunderin' of over 60 stations in the land. Keep a weather eye on the horizon for more news on this saga, me hearties!
May 10, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast ye mateys! Target Corp. be holdin' back on sellin' LGBTQ-themed booty in certain ports this Pride Month after takin' a hit to their treasure chest last year. They be offerin' Pride loot in select stores based on past plunderin' success. Ye can also find 'em online at their port. Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! What be this election ye speak of? Methinks American businesses be scurrying like rats to avoid gettin' mixed up in the political tempest brewin' on the horizon. Some be tellin' their crew to keep their traps shut about politics, while others be rethinkin' their plans to rally the vote. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we be sailin' on, me hearties! Aye!
May 10, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr mateys, the tale of Kendrick Lamar and Drake be akin to a showdown on the high seas! Two scallywags with egos as big as a kraken, locked in a battle for the title of rap's top dog. Aye, 'tis a familiar yarn of pride and pettiness, fit for a pirate's tavern gossip!
May 9, 2024, 6:05 pm
Arrr! President Biden set sail to Wisconsin on Wednesday, boasting about his plunder of the economy and job creation while making fun of former President Trump's empty promises of a grand tech campus. In Racine, Biden bragged about his crew building a $3.3 billion Microsoft data center, creating 2,000 new jobs. Avast!
May 9, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arr, President Joe Biden be takin' a shot at that scallywag Trump whilst boastin' 'bout a new data center in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin. Microsoft be buildin' it where Trump swore Foxconn would create wonders and jobs. But alas, Trump's grand plans be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship!
May 9, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! President Joe Biden be shoutin' from the rooftops that Microsoft be settin' sail to build a $3.3 billion data center in southeastern Wisconsin, right where that scallywag Foxconn was supposed to bury their treasure in 2017. Looks like Microsoft be pickin' up where Trump's crew left off! Aye, a great comeback tale indeed!
May 9, 2024, 4:15 pm
Avast, me hearties! Former Obama adviser and CNN scallywag David Axelrod be throwin' shade at President Biden's stubborn ways on the economy, callin' it a "terrible mistake" that could lead to his downfall in the next election. "I be baffled by this," says the famous Democratic swashbuckler. "Spending $25 million last fall talkin' up Bidenomics, only to be repeatin' the same mistake now..." Aye, 'tis a puzzlin' tale indeed!
May 9, 2024, 4:13 pm
Arrr, me mateys be listenin' to Senior Democratic strategist David Axelrod givin' a tongue-lashin' to President Biden o'er his economic blunderin'. Biden's pride be his downfall come November, talkin' like the economy be all sorted when most folks still be strugglin'. Trump be the one they trust, says the polls.
May 9, 2024, 4:11 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis be said that Barack Obama's mate-turned-CNN squawker David Axelrod be warnin' that ol' Joe Biden's pride may be his downfall against that scoundrel Donald Trump in the 2024 election. Me thinks there be more drama on the horizon than a ship full o' parrots! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 3:32 pm
Arrr mateys, after discovering the feds be meddlin' with our social media, they've parted ways with Meta, X, and YouTube! Cyber pirates be complainin' 'bout the lack of coordination, warnin' us of misinformation and foreign interference. But fear not, the platforms may be gettin' late-night messages from the feds! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me mateys! On Wednesday, May 8, the United States Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin spilled the beans that the US government be holdin' back a shipment of weapons to them scallywags in Israel. Looks like the Israeli military be gettin' a taste of their own medicine, with over 35,000 Palestinian souls sent to Davy Jones' locker with the help of US support. Secretary Austin mentioned this pause be happenin' due to the happenings in Rafah, a city... Aye, mateys, it be a twist in the tale indeed!
May 9, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, President Biden be makin' threats to cut off the supply o' weapons to Israel if they dare to invade Rafah. "Civilians be dyin' because o' them bombs," he says. But mark me words, if they go into Rafah, there be trouble brewin' on the horizon!
May 9, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Today's dish be President Biden blockin' weapons to save Hamas scallywags in Rafah. A shameful flip-flop from a spineless jellyfish! He be sitin' in the Oval Office by default, a landlubber not fit to swab the deck! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that Rupert Murdoch be like a sly sea serpent, pullin' strings behind the scenes in the Republican Party. His media treasures be like cannons blastin' in support o' Mike Johnson over Marjorie Taylor Greene's antics. The power o' Murdoch be a force to be reckoned with!
May 8, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Israeli scallywags be tellin' tales of them Hamas terrorists firin' rockets at a pier where them U.S. Military be workin' off the coast of Gaza. No harm done, but it be like tryin' to keep the grog from reachin' our thirsty lips! Aye, those scurvy dogs be stoppin' humanitarian aid from comin' in!
May 8, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! The FBI be bringin' props to raid Trump's Mar-a-Lago for secret papers! Jay Bratt, the DOJ prosecutor, confessed they used fake "top secret" sheets as placeholders. Aye, the pirates be playin' at spy games indeed!
May 8, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye, ye scurvy landlubbers! The scallywags in the Biden crew be thinkin' of lettin' in them refugees from Gaza. But the doubloons in the Republican ranks be cryin' foul, yellin' about national security risks. They be demandin' the President focus on rescuin' U.S. hostages instead. Arrr!
May 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The US be reconsiderin' sendin' weapons to Israel o'er fears o' a ground assault in Gaza! They be holdin' back a shipment o' bombs, and ponderin' on others. The Israelites be sayin' they be sortin' out their quarrels in secret. Ahoy, what a tale of diplomacy on the high seas!
May 8, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr matey! Independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be swearin' on his honor that a vile worm be munchin' on his brain afore breathin' its last inside his noggin! This scallywag be tellin' his tale durin' a divorce squabble in 2012, claimin' he thought 'twas a brain tumor 'til a wiser doctor declared 'twas just a dead parasite! Aye, the sea be full of surprises, indeed!
May 8, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr! Gov. Tim Walz hath signed a bill to protect ye scallywags buyin' tickets for shows. Complaints be higher than the seats fer Taylor Swift concerts. Minnesota lawmakers listened to the cries and passed a bill, fitly named house file 1989 after Swift's album. No more hidden fees, me hearties!
May 8, 2024, 10:42 am
Arr matey! Cap'n Joe Biden be sailin' to Wisconsin to announce a grand plan by Microsoft to build a $3.3 billion data center! Thousands o' jobs be in the horizon. 'Tis on the very land where Foxconn's treasure was supposed to be. Trump be walkin' the plank fer this one! Arrr!
May 8, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr, the Biden administration be set to set sail on a new adventure to protect U.S. AI from the clutches of China! They be lookin' to put guardrails 'round the fanciest AI Models - like ChatGPT - to keep 'em safe from prying eyes. The Commerce Department be thinkin' 'bout restrictin' the export of secret AI models too. Aye, 'tis a grand scheme indeed!
May 8, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr, mateys! Parks Canada be givin' a jolly good offer in 2024 for all ye landlubbers and new citizens lookin' to explore the wilds of Canada. Free admission be granted to all newcomers and new citizens, so set sail and discover the wonders of this great land! Sail on, me hearties!
May 7, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! Aye, 'tis be rumored that the scallywags of the Biden crew be makin' secret deals behind the backs of Israeli leaders! The landlubbers of Hamas be acceptin' a ceasefire outta nowhere, leavin' the Israeli government in a panic! What treachery be afoot, I wonder? Arrr!
May 7, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis been reported that nearly 130,000 scallywags were caught on the southern border in April, a slight dip from the month prior. The Border Patrol's secret scroll revealed 129,000 landlubbers were nabbed, a drop of 8,000 from March. 'Tis a grand total of almost 1.2 million caught this fiscal year!
May 7, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr mateys! Rep. Ilhan Omar be walkin' the plank fer callin' them Jewish students "pro-genocide". Rep. Don Bacon be raisin' the Jolly Roger against her on Tuesday. Columbia University be a veritable hornets' nest of protests, with students settin' up tent encampments like landlubbers. Full speed ahead, me hearties!
May 7, 2024, 4:42 pm
Arrr mateys! The Biden crew be workin' overtime to prevent Israel from plunderin' Rafah. But the real test be with their Middle East matey! After Biden's warnin', Israel still be sendin' in tanks and takin' over the border crossin'. Aye, the seas be rough ahead!
May 7, 2024, 11:57 am
Arr, me hearties! President Joe Biden didst give a grand speech condemnin' antisemitism at the Capitol this week. 'Twas part of a ceremony at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum to honor the memory of them six million Jews lost in the Holocaust. Aye, may we never forget the horrors unleashed by them scurvy dogs like Hamas!
May 7, 2024, 11:44 am
Jon Stewart be shoutin' from the rooftops that President Biden be too ancient fer the job! Aye, me hearties, we all see it with our own peepers. The man be older than the hills! But we keep it hush-hush, lest Trumpy comes back from Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!
May 7, 2024, 11:01 am
Arr, me hearties! California be drawin' more power from the sun than any other land lubber state. But alas, the sun be disappearin' just as folks be needin' it most! To make up for it, they be burnin' more fossil fuels than ye can shake a peg leg at. But fear not, mateys! Since 2020, California be fillin' the gap with giant batteries that can soak up the sun's excess power. Arr, what a time to be alive!
May 7, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! OpenAI be unveilin' a newfangled contraption that can spy out images made by its text-to-image sorcery, DALL-E 3. The Microsoft-backed startup be warnin' of AI-generated mischief in the upcoming elections. This tool can sniff out DALL-E 3's handiwork with near perfect accuracy, even through clever disguises like compression and cropping. Aye, beware the tricks o' the digital seas!
May 6, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys! Thar be over 1,000 scallywags marchin' through Manhattan, raisin' flags and wearin' keffiyehs like true pirates. They be headin' towards the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where the fancy Met Gala be happenin'. Aye, the streets be blocked, but the coppers be warnin' 'em to disperse or face the plank! The march started at Hunter College, led by the group Within Our Lifetime, callin' for a "Day of Rage" protest. Aye, a jolly good time indeed!
May 6, 2024, 5:43 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! Welcome back to Forgotten Fact Checks, a weekly scroll produced by National Review’s News Desk. This week, we be delving into the scallywag attempts to downplay the occupation of buildings on several college campuses during the anti-Israel protests, and cover more media misses. Ye scurvy dogs of the Left-wing media be tryin' to make ye believe it be normal behavior for them anti-Israel protesters to be takin' over buildings. They be actin' like it be no big deal! Arr, they be more irritated than a bilge rat when ye suggest otherwise.
May 6, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis news from a recent poll that more Americans be puttin' their trust in former President Trump to handle the economy, immigration, and crime than in poor ol' Joe Biden. Aye, the scallywag Trump be enjoyin' a significant lead on these crucial matters, makin' him a favorite among the landlubbers.
May 6, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Former President Trump be in a pickle in his New York trial. Judge Juan Merchan be warnin' him not to run his mouth or he'll end up in the brig! Trump be fined time and time again for flappin' his gums, but he be whinin' about his rights bein'... Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be plannin' to meet with House Speaker Mike Johnson to make a power move! She be aimin' to strip that scurvy leader of his gavel! What mischief be brewin' in that meeting at 3:30 p.m.? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 6, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr mateys! Aye, tis a fierce battle brewin' on the college seas, with young swashbucklers clashin' against the powers that be. Just like in the days of old when the cannonballs flew and the swords clashed, the youth be raisin' their voices against injustice. Stand strong, me hearties!
May 6, 2024, 10:41 am
Arr mateys! The IDF be rescuing landlubbers from eastern Rafah, creatin' a grand humanitarian zone with field hospitals and plenty o' supplies. Thar be talk of planned operations ahead, so ye best be packin' yer belongings and settlin' in for a safe voyage! Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags of the Israeli army be ready to storm the city o' Rafah! They be tellin' the landlubbers to scram from parts o' the city in southern Gaza. Israel and Hamas be pointin' fingers at each other while folks be evacuatin' to a "humanitarian area". Ahoy!
May 6, 2024, 5:06 am
Arrr, me hearties! The White House be walkin' the plank with their denouncing of former Captain Trump! He be comparing Biden's crew to the Gestapo, a fearsome force from the land of Germany! In other news, Trump be in hot water for flapping his jaws too much. Aye, a true scallywag indeed!
May 6, 2024, 5:03 am
Arrr matey! Republican scallywag Donald Trump be callin' Democrat President Joe Biden a leader of the dreaded Gestapo crew! He be barkin' insults at the prosecutors like a salty sea dog. Me thinks Trump be walkin' the plank with his own fascist talk!
May 6, 2024, 5:02 am
"Arr matey! Former President Donald Trump be takin' his war o' words against his election foe, President Joe Biden, to a new level on Saturday! He be comparin' thar administration to the dreaded Gestapo! These scallywags be runnin' a Gestapo administration, says he! Har har har!"
May 6, 2024, 4:16 am
Arrr, Mexican authorities be claimin' that two Australians and an American met their fate on a surfin' voyage 'cause scurvy thieves be after the wheels of their wagon. Their kin be confirmatin' their identities, arrr! A fourth body be found in Baja California, arrr! The authorities be keepin' mum 'bout the missin' men's names, arrr!
May 5, 2024, 10:26 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The Israeli Prime Minister and his scallywags have voted to scuttle Al Jazeera's operations in our fair land. 'Tis a blow to free speech, but they claim it be a matter of national security. Avast! The battle for information rages on.
May 5, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, Israel be tellin' those scallywags at Al Jazeera to close up shop or walk the plank! Netanyahu be playin' hardball with his ban on their broadcasts, disruptin' the peace talks with Hamas. 'Tis a new tactic from the landlubbers, shuttin' down the press like a pirate raid!
May 5, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Israeli government be walkin' the plank for decidin' to shut down Al Jazeera! They be claimin' it be a threat to national security, but we all know it be just a bunch of bilge! A unanimous vote, says I! Let the cannons roar, for the war against Hamas be in full swing! Al Jazeera be walkin' the plank, arrr!
May 5, 2024, 9:04 am
Arrr mateys! Six moons 'til the grand Election Day, American voters be facing a presidential race that seems calm on the surface, but be churning with chaos below deck. Ye be havin' a choice between two scallywags who've already sat in the captain's chair: President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump. But the crew be grumbling about it, with election interest at a 20-year low. Aye, 'tis a turbulent sea we sail upon!
May 4, 2024, 7:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Another soul has been sent to Davy Jones' locker! Joshua Dean, a quality inspector for the scurvy dogs at Boeing, met his demise from a foul infection. Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus did him in! Beware the cursed MRSA, ye landlubbers! Aye, 'tis a grim tale indeed.
May 4, 2024, 7:34 am
Avast ye mateys! Joshua Dean, a brave soul who spoke out against the scallywags at Spirit AeroSystems, has sadly passed on after a fierce battle with a treacherous infection. Fair winds and following seas to this valiant whistleblower from Wichita. Fare thee well, Josh!
May 4, 2024, 7:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scurvy dogs! Joshua Dean, a brave soul who dared to blow the whistle on the treacherous deeds of the Boeing scallywags, has passed on to Davy Jones' locker after a short bout with the pox. Aye, 'tis a sad day for all who seek justice on the high seas.
May 4, 2024, 6:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! Two years hence, the IIJA be pledgin' a grand sum o' $7.5 billion for 500,000 newfangled electric vehicle chargers. Yet, alas! Only seven be standin' tall! Aye, the land lubbers be movin' slower than a snail on a hot skillet. Aye, 'tis a merry tale indeed!
May 3, 2024, 6:04 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs best be keepin' an eye out, for the IRS be comin' for ye loot! Big corporations and wealthy scallywags beware, for they be aimin' to triple the audits. 'Tis a treacherous sea ahead, with a 22.6% audit rate settin' sail in 2026. Aye, the tax collectors be comin' for ye gold!
May 3, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arrr, me hearties! White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre be singin' praises to them brave lads of Pi Kappa Phi at UNC Chapel Hill for defendin' the American flag from them scurvy anti-Israel protesters! They be standin' strong and singin' the national anthem like true buccaneers! Aye, a jolly good show indeed!
May 3, 2024, 6:01 pm
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that the scurvy government be spyin' on them rabble-rousers supportin' and opposin' Israel! They even be callin' Yale University "pro-Hamas." Beware, me hearties, the feds be watchin' and keepin' tabs on us all!
May 3, 2024, 5:59 pm
Arr matey! The land of Ukraine be free to plunder targets on Russian shores with the weapons gifted from London! Our matey David Cameron speaks true, for Ukraine be needin' to defend itself against them scurvy Russians. Let the cannons roar and the swords clash in this grand battle!
May 3, 2024, 5:58 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in Turkey be sayin' they won't be tradin' with Israel 'til there be a proper ceasefire in Gaza. Israel's stubborn ways have angered the Turks so much, they've stopped all trade! 'Tis a tough pill to swallow for the Israelites, arrr!
May 3, 2024, 5:57 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Three Indian landlubbers have been apprehended and accused o' the dastardly deed o' slayin' a Sikh rebel leader in the distant lands o' Canada. 'Twas a mighty row 'tween nations when the Prime Minister accused India o' treachery. But fear not, justice be served!
May 3, 2024, 5:55 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Last Saturday, the swashbuckling presidential contender Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. made an appearance at a gathering fit for an anti-vaccine buccaneer near Buffalo, New York. But beware, this crew not only doubts vaccines but also questions the election of Joe Biden. Aye, they be a suspicious lot indeed, with ties to Trump and shady dealings aplenty.
May 3, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr mateys, as the Biden crew be readyin' to pass judgment on Israel's actions in Gaza, ol' Sen. Chris Van Hollen be doubting he'll get a straight answer. He be gatherin' his crew to demand proof that all countries, even the swashbucklin' Israel, be playin' by the rules. Aye, the seas be choppy indeed!
May 3, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! The House of Representatives be passin' the Countering Antisemitism Act, aimin' to thwart anti-Semitism on college grounds. But what be this definition of anti-Semitism from the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance? Aye, the mystery be afoot!
May 3, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr matey, this lass Hope Hicks be walkin' the plank next in Trump's trial. Witnesses be spoutin' her name like a parrot squawkin' for a cracker. She'll be grilled by prosecutors 'bout her role in Trump's shady deals. She be the ninth to walk the plank, arrr!
May 3, 2024, 11:18 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Senate be makin' moves to fix the shortage o' prescription medicines. 'Tis a disgrace that we be runnin' out o' these essential remedies! Let's use the might o' Medicare and Medicaid to keep our health in shipshape condition, arrr!
May 3, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr mateys! In the grand schemes of diplomacy 'round Gaza, the waters be churnin' faster than a whirlpool! Israel's mates be pushin' for peace, while the Gulf states be rattlin' the cages of Hamas. But beware! Russia and China be stirrin' up trouble in Beijing with talks 'tween Hamas and Fatah. Avast! We spoke with John Strawson, a wise old sea dog of the Middle East.
May 2, 2024, 7:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Robert Blain, a landlubber from Houston, be tellin' tales of his mateys abandonin' the United Methodist Church over a quarrel 'bout gay clergy. But joy be fillin' his sails when he learned at the General Conference that the old rule against "self-avowed practicing homosexuals" be walkin' the plank! Aye, the winds be changin' in the church!
May 2, 2024, 7:51 pm
Arrr! The United Methodist scallywags be makin' historic changes, removin' old decrees 'bout the matey-lovin' among lads and lasses. Aye, they be sayin' marriage be a covenant 'tween two souls of faith, no matter if there be a man or a...
May 2, 2024, 7:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Methodist scallywags have voted to be more friendly to the gay and LGBTQ crew, aye! By a vote of 523-161, they be droppin' the old definition of marriage and sayin' "aye" to love in all forms. Yo ho ho, love be winnin' the booty!
May 2, 2024, 6:06 pm
Avast ye mateys! The former President Trump be like a scallywag sailin' the seas of politics, always doubting the election results like a fearsome sea monster. Whether he be winnin' or losin', he be refusin' to accept defeat. Arrrr, he be keepin' us all guessin' on the honesty of the next election!
May 2, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr matey! In a recent parley with a local Wisconsin broadsheet, the former Captain Donald Trump did not swear on his mother's grave to accept the election results of 2024 in the Badger State if he be bested. "If the game be fair, I'll walk the plank with me head held high. But if not, I'll batten down the hatches and fight for the honor of the land." But mark me words, if all be...
May 2, 2024, 5:43 pm
Avast ye mateys! The former President Trump be talkin' like a scallywag, refusin' to accept defeat in the Wisconsin election! He be spoutin' lies like a hornswaggler, claimin' he won the Badger State in 2020! Arrr, me hearties, the man be a real piece of work!
May 2, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys, this week in Waukesha, Wisconsin, former President Donald Trump, the likely Republican nominee for the upcoming election, be sayin' he won't surrender if he be losin'! When asked by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel if he'd give up the throne to Joe Biden, Trump be spoutin' lies about election fraud and honesty. Aye, tis a tale of treachery and swindlin' on the high seas of politics!"
May 2, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scallywags! President Joe Biden be signin' a proclamation to make the San Gabriel Mountains National Monument and the Berryess Snow Mountain National Monument bigger! Protectin' 120,000 acres of land! This be a grand gesture to honor our Tribal Nations and Indigenous peoples, savvy?
May 2, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scallywags! The captain Joe Biden be proclaimin' that Japan be sufferin' from xenophobia, just like China and Russia! The salty dog be sayin' that aye, the U.S. be thrivin' because we be welcomin' immigrants aboard our ship. Harrr! China be stallin' and Japan be strugglin', me hearties! Aye, 'tis a strange tale indeed! Arrr!
May 2, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be talkin' about Japan and India bein' xenophobic at some fancy shindig in Washington, claimin' they be lumped in with China and Russia. But fear not, he be sayin' we be right to welcome in immigrants to keep our economy growin'! Aye, that be the truth, me mateys!
May 2, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr! The President Biden did lump Japan with Russia and China, callin' them “xenophobic” during a campaign speech. The scallywag credited America's economic might to immigrants, throwin' shade at China, Russia, and Japan. Methinks the rum may have been flowin' a bit too freely that day!
May 2, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be told in a new report from the Public Religion Research Institute that Democratic voters be favorin' abortion rights more and more, and be gettin' all riled up about it. Seems like since that Supreme Court decision makin' abortion restrictions fair game, Democrats be makin' it a top voting issue. Har har, abortion be sailin' to the forefront of their minds!
May 1, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arr matey! The GOP-led House be passin' a bill on Wednesday to define anti-Semitism, to protect our young lads 'n lasses at sea...er, I mean in schools. 'Tis a time of protests 'gainst the Israel-Hamas war, but fear not, me hearties, safety concerns be addressed! Aye, 'tis a win for all!
May 1, 2024, 5:57 pm
Ye scurvy knaves! Beware, for if ye be breakin' a window on land, the law will clap ye in irons! If ye lay a hand on another, the brig awaits ye! And if ye dare threaten bodily harm, the constables will have ye walkin' the plank! And if ye attempt to take over a building, make sure to bring chains to secure the doors, lest the authorities catch wind of yer treachery! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:54 pm
Former Cap'n Donald Trump be hailing the brave lads of the New York Police Department who did storm Hamilton Hall at Columbia University to rid themselves of those pesky college scallywags during a Wisconsin campaign shindig. Ahoy, t'was a sight to behold, indeed! The city was under siege, but our lads were fierce! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The officials of New York City be warnin' of "radicalization" creepin' into the city amidst the pro-Palestinian protests at Columbia University and other colleges. Deputy Commissioner Weiner be speakin' of concerns 'round these parts, but we'll keep a weather eye on 'em, ye can be sure of that! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag who dared to bring a threat upon Mount Horeb Middle School has been thwarted! The authorities be keepin' a close watch on the situation, makin' sure no harm befall the good folk. The students be safe and sound, may the rum flow freely!
May 1, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr matey, thar be talk of reclassifying the Devil's lettuce! The Biden scallywags be lookin' to make it easier to trade and make a pretty penny off the herb. 'Tis a bold move indeed, makin' the seas of pot more profitable. Garland be proposin' to lift the curse on marijuana, makin' it less restricted like rum and gold. Aye, 'tis a brave new world on the horizon!
May 1, 2024, 11:39 am
Arr mateys! The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration be whisperin' that they be thinkin' of reclassifyin' the devil's lettuce as a lesser evil! But fear not, ye scallywags, for they be not plannin' to make it legal for us landlubbers to partake in the greenery! Aarrrr!
May 1, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency be suggestin' that cannabis be reclassified as a Schedule III drug, makin' it less dangerous and recognizin' its medicinal value. This be a much needed victory for the cannabis industry, which has been takin' a hit lately. Arrr, the tide be turnin' for these pot pioneers!
May 1, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr mateys! Ye scallywag GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be settin' sail to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson, but them landlubber Democrats be plottin' to scuttle her plans. Let's see if the tide turns in her favor or if she be walkin' the plank. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in every tavern!
April 30, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arr matey! House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jim Jordan be sendin' a letter to Attorney General Merrick Garland 'bout Matthew Colangelo, a scallywag prosecutor in former President Trump's criminal case. He be askin' fer documents and messages from Colangelo's time at the Biden DOJ. The Daily Caller got a sneak peek at the letter, where Jordan be demandin' all sorts o' personnel files about Colangelo's hirin', workin' and firin' at the DOJ. Arrr!
April 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys! Me hearties be tellin' me that the scallywag Trump be ahead of Biden in the polls, but the GOP mateys be sinkin' in the Senate races! In Pennsylvania, Trump be holdin' a lead, but Sen. Bob Casey be sailin' ahead of the Republican scallywag! Aye, 'tis a mighty tale of political plunderin' on the high seas of democracy!
April 30, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag of a House Republican be cryin' foul play against special counsel Jack Smith, claimin' he be meddlin' in the election while pursuin' two cases against former President Donald Trump! The lass Elise Stefanik be raisin' the Jolly Roger and filin' an ethics complaint to the Department of Justice. What a tale of treachery on the high seas of politics!
April 30, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr mateys, Jareh Sebastian Dalke be a sly one! He disabled the tracking device on his vessel and sailed north from Colorado Springs to Denver's Union Station, leaving his communication device behind. With a laptop, memory card, gun, and secret instructions in hand, he be ready for his stealthy adventure.
April 30, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye mateys! Judge Juan Merchan be givin' former President Trump a fine for shootin' off his mouth too much in the hush money trial. Trump be walkin' the plank if he don't remove the offending posts by Tuesday! Aye, the scallywag must pay the $9,000 or be keelhauled! Arrr!
April 30, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, nearly five million souls be on the brink o' starvation as the land's civil strife rages on fer a year. The scurvy dogs in the army and the Rapid Support Forces be pillagin' the aid meant fer the needy, condemnin' 'em to suffer. Yet, this great hunger crisis be ignored by the world at large. Aye, 'tis a sad state o' affairs indeed.
April 30, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, 'twas a sight to behold outside Travis County Brig Monday eve as shipmates and kin of scallywags arrested earlier waited for tidings. Just last Wednesday, a similar scene played out after campus constables tussled with sea rovers at the University of Texas at Austin. The lawmen showed no mercy this time, hauling away scores of protesters afore unleashing pepper spray and flash... Aye, 'twas quite the spectacle, me hearties!
April 30, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, thar be a kerfuffle at Princeton University! Thirteen scallywags be caught after takin' over a buildin', makin' the university president mighty upset. The protest, dubbed the "Princeton Gaza Solidarity Encampment," started with 50 landlubbers settin' up tents, but after a warnin', they switched to a sit-in with singin' and drummin'. 'Tis a tale fit for a pirate's tavern!
April 29, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Just over half o' Americans be shoutin' for the deportin' o' them illegal immigrants! 'Tis a hot topic as we sail towards electin' a new leader. The scallywag Trump be promisin' to make it happen if he wins again. Aye, the opinions be split amongst the crew, with 68 percent o' Republicans on board.
April 29, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arr matey, the U.S. economy be in a right pickle! The growth be sluggish as a sloth on a hot day, and prices be jacking up like a ship in a storm. The experts be saying it be a case of stagflation, aye, a real hornswoggle for us average Americans. Aye, me hearties, it be a tale of woe and worry on the high seas of finance!
April 29, 2024, 5:36 pm
"Arrr mateys! A band of Republican swashbucklers be raisin' a fuss over bias at National Public Radio, led by the controversial CEO Katherine Maher. Former editor Uri Berliner even jumped ship, blamin' her "divisive views." Watch out, NPR, the pirates be comin' for ya!"
April 29, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the wireless carriers be fined a hefty sum of nearly $200 million by the Federal Communications Commission for sharin' access to customers' whereabouts. T-Mobile, Sprint (now part of T-Mobile), AT&T, and Verizon be walkin' the plank for sellin' location information like scallywags!
April 29, 2024, 11:28 am
Arr matey! The US Supreme Court be tellin' Elon Musk to keep a lid on his tweetin' about Tesla! No more runnin' amuck on the high seas of social media without a lawyer by his side. Musk be walkin' the plank of SEC regulations now! Aye, the law be harsh, me hearties!
April 29, 2024, 11:16 am
"Arrr, since hangin' up me hat two years back, Joan Harris be sailin' the seas o' travel with gusto! She be visitin' her young lads in far-off lands, plannin' voyages to sci-fi gatherings in Scotland and Disney cruises, with a trip to ancient sites in Britain on the horizon. Yarrr, she be a wealthy lass now, with coin to spare!"
April 29, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr me hearties! Columbia University be givin' those scallywag anti-Israel protesters a warnin' to clear out of their tent encampment or face suspension! The Ivy League president be admittin' negotiations be failin' faster than a leaky ship! The NYPD be arrivin' to boot 'em out on their booties! Aye, the university be sendin' a message loud and clear, mateys!
April 29, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, word has it that Governor Ron DeSantis and Cap'n Donald Trump be meetin' in Miami to discuss joinin' forces for the general election. They be settin' aside their past squabbles, arrranged by a real estate scallywag. Aye, a Trump mate be sayin' 'twas a fruitful parley at the governor's request.
April 29, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! In a bold move, Iraq's parliament has outlawed same-sex antics and transgender shenanigans. The scallywags in the US and UK be fumin', but the speaker o' the parliament be standin' firm, callin' it a crucial step to preserve society's moral compass. Aye, those caught in the act face a long stretch in the brig for their naughty deeds! Arrr, beware ye landlubbers!
April 29, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr mateys, ye scurvy dogs in charge of Florida, Louisiana, Wyoming, South Carolina and Oklahoma be makin' a fuss over the new rules from the White House protectin' transgender students under Title IX. They be ready for a legal battle, but beware, the law be on our side!
April 29, 2024, 5:37 am
Arrr, ye who were present at Columbia University in the spring of 1968 would surely recognize the echoes of those tumultuous and exhilarating days in the current happenings at Morningside Heights. But alas, there be a worrisome disparity. Back then, ye had yer rebellious, scallywag longhairs and yer uptight, close-cropped jocks, with the undecided scallywags betwixt. Yet now, the protests be afoot at Columbia and other campuses, with...
April 28, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! The land lubbers in California be raisin' the wages for them fast food workers to $20 doubloons a fortnight! Chipotle be feelin' the pinch, raisin' their prices by 6% to 7% for ye scallywags who be hankerin' for a burrito. Aye, the effects be emergin' indeed!
April 28, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags runnin' these grub hubs be raisin' their prices as the state be makin' the scallywags pay their crew more doubloons. The landlubbers be payin' more for their burgers and burritos, while us pirates be laughin' at the cursed prices!
April 28, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in California be raisin' the minimum wage, but fear not! Fast food joints be turnin' to automation to cut costs. No more wage-earnin' landlubbers takin' orders, just digital kiosks. Aye, it be a pirate's life for me! Arrr!
April 28, 2024, 8:28 am
Arr, Ana Elizabeth Melgar be one determined lass! Four times she be tryin' to make her way to the U.S. border, only to be caught by the Mexican immigration scallywags and sent back south. "Send me back to me own country if ye catch me again," she be sayin'. Aye, the life of a pirate be full of twists and turns, just like Ana's journey across the treacherous seas.
April 27, 2024, 10:34 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Last Thursday, in me music humanities class at Columbia University, two landlubbers be prattlin' on about that scallywag John Cage. His most famous piece be called “4'33",” which be makin' us listen in silence to the noises around us. But I had to tell the lads we couldn't be hearin' that piece that day, for outside be a ruckus of angry protesters raisin' a hullabaloo! Aye, 'twas a merry ol' time indeed!
April 27, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrrr, ye scallywags at Columbia University and other colleges have turned free speech into a free-for-all! 'Tis a message to our enemies that we've lost our way, unable to tell right from wrong. Terror groups be watching as young Americans become their fools. The students be...
April 27, 2024, 10:30 am
"Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! These landlubbers thought they could bring their shenanigans to Texas, but they be sorely mistaken. The folks at UT showed 'em what for with a grand display of strength. The seas be rough, but they won't let these troublemakers take over their ship!"
April 27, 2024, 9:18 am
Arrr me hearties! Ye scallywags be needin' to know that Alexei Navalny met his untimely demise in an Arctic dungeon, causin' chaos with sanctions and prisoner swaps! Vladimir Putin be caught off guard, and them intelligence agencies suspect foul play in Navalny's demise. Shiver me timbers!
April 26, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr, a scurvy group of lads be pushin' this poor reporter out of the "Palestine Solidarity Encampment" at the University of California Los Angeles! They be settin' up barricades of plywood and pitchin' tents like true swashbucklers. Aye, 'twas quite the sight for sore eyes! Arrr!
April 26, 2024, 5:33 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The top dogs and blabbermouths at the White House be tryin' to give the press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre the ol' heave-ho by recruitin' some outside help, according to the New York Post. Anita Dunn and her crew be talkin' to other bigwigs tryin' to convince Jean-Pierre to walk the plank and find a new gig. Yarrrr!
April 26, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys! Thar be a group of scallywag Pennsylvania legislators takin' their fight for the right to sue President Biden to the Supreme Court! They be askin' the high court for standin' in a case challengin' Biden's election executive order. Let the legal plunderin' begin! Aye aye!
April 26, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr me hearties, the U.S. Air Force be awardin' a contract to Sierra Nevada Corp to craft a new ship to replace the ol' Doomsday plane! It be called the Survivable Airborne Operations Center, aye, to keep us safe in times of war. Aye, a commercial derivative will be used to meet our needs. Aye, we be sailin' into the future with this new vessel!
April 26, 2024, 11:57 am
Arrr mateys, ye best believe that the main reason why Donald Trump be sailin' smoothly in his campaign be 'cause of the fond memories of his first term. Aye, the economy be sailin' smooth like a calm sea, until the storm of inflation hit under Joe Biden's watch. The voters be yearnin' for the good ol' days of 2019, when the seas were calm and the winds were fair.
April 26, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr mateys, some scallywags be wantin' the Federal Reserve Board to bend the knee to the former President Trump! They be wishin' for the Fed to be dancin' to his tune if he be winnin' in November. What a jolly ol' time that would be, aye!
April 26, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywags loyal to Cap'n Trump be plottin' to seize control o'er the Federal Reserve! Aye, they be wantin' to make all the policy decisions themselves. Looks like the Cap'n be dreamin' of a second term filled with authoritarian rule. Savvy?
April 26, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags o' Donald Trump be plottin' to take down the Federal Reserve if he be winnin' another term. His crew be divided on how to go about it, from subtle changes to a full-on mutiny against the central bank's rule. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail!
April 25, 2024, 4:35 pm
Arrr mateys, on Wednesday, Russia scuppered a UN Security Council resolution put forth by the United States and Japan, aye, affirming the duty of nations to keep their nukes off the high seas of space. This ban would prevent member states from crafting orbit-ready nuclear weapons. The Outer Space Treaty, signed in 1967, be a code of conduct for cosmic voyages, settin' forth new rules for states traversin' the celestial seas.
April 25, 2024, 4:33 pm
Avast ye mateys! Methinks these scallywags be talkin' 'bout some landlubbers who be spreadin' false tales like a drunken sailor! This Nina Jankowicz be sailin' back from exile to track disinformation with her American Sunlight Project. Aye, the sea be full of sharks and tricksters indeed!
April 25, 2024, 4:31 pm
Avast ye mateys! Southwest Airlines be jumpin' ship from a few ports, thanks to them scurvy dogs at Boeing. CEO Bob Jordan be talkin' 'bout cuttin' loose some underperformin' markets. Looks like they be sailin' away from George Bush's port in Houston, and Bellingham International be walkin' the plank too! Arrr!
April 25, 2024, 4:30 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags be kickin' out more landlubbers than ever afore! Biden be havin' the immigration judges workin' like never before, sendin' over 136,000 scallywags back to Davy Jones' locker. But only a measly 20% of 'em seekin' asylum be walkin' the plank. Aye, the seas be rough for them poor souls indeed!
April 25, 2024, 11:45 am
Yarrr! 'Twas a twist in the tale for ol' Harvey Weinstein, as his New York plundering conviction be overturned by the highest court in the land! A new trial be on the horizon, with the scallywag facing the wrath of justice once more. Avast ye, justice be served!
April 25, 2024, 11:39 am
Avast ye mateys! No landlubber by the name of Lina Khan be thinkin' there be anythin' she can't do! Just this week, she and her swashbucklin' crew at the Federal Trade Commission be makin' a rule to ban non-compete agreements, takin' away the power of employers to keep their crew from joinin' rival ships. Arrr, what be next on their list of plunderin' deeds?
April 25, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The land lubbers in charge be scrapin' them pesky agreements that keep us from seekin' new employ at rival companies. But don't be celebratin' just yet, mateys! The lawyers be sayin' these clauses may still linger on the horizon. So keep a weather eye out, ye savvy buccaneers!
April 25, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, me hearties! The EPA be makin' a decree to clean up the coal ash at old power plants! No more loopholes allowed, says I! The residue from burnt coal must be properly stored, lest we be swimmin' in ash! Aye, the seas be needin' a break from such filth!
April 24, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the Arizona house be votin' to repeal the state's ancient abortion ban from the year o' 1864. 'Tis a victory for the lasses and a blow to the old laws. Three brave Republicans be joinin' the Democrats in passin' the repeal bill, breakin' the deadlock in the legislature. Onward to the next battle on the high seas of politics!
April 24, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Columbia University be showin' their true colors by movin' classes online to hide their antisemitism woes. They be lettin' the scallywags run amok and harassin' Jewish students. Aye, 'tis a sorry state of affairs at that university!
April 24, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arr, a scallywag of a passenger took the wind out of Democratic Mayor Adams' sails, giving him a good lashing over his love for Israel. The Mayor was in sunny Florida, talking 'bout migrants, but got a taste of the high seas when the conversation turned to Israel on his voyage home.
April 24, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Ukraine be sendin' secret weapons from the land of the free to blast those scallywag Russian forces! They be firin' their long-range missiles at a military airfield in Crimea and other occupied areas. Shiver me timbers, President Biden be givin' the go-ahead for this swashbucklin' attack!
April 24, 2024, 11:09 am
Arrr, methinks the US Chamber of Commerce be in a right tizzy over the Federal Trade Commission's decree against noncompete agreements. 'Twas not the fear of losing secrets or investments to rivals that vexed them, but the loss of leverage over the scurvy dogs they call workers. Aye, the FTC be playin' them like a fiddle!
April 24, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce be takin' the fight to the high seas of federal court in Tyler, Texas! They be claimin' the FTC has no business makin' rules that be stoppin' employers from keepin' their crew from jumpin' ship to join rival crews. Onward, ye Chamber of Commerce, and may the winds of the court be in yer favor!
April 24, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Twas a grand showdown betwixt NewsNation's Brian Entin and the scallywag Marc Lamont Hill o'er his support for them pro-Palestine protests at Columbia University. Methinks there be more drama than a pirate's parrot squawkin'! Aye, 'twas a sight to behold!
April 24, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! President Joe Biden has just signed a decree demanding that the China-based scallywags at ByteDance be forced to walk the plank if they don't give up their treasure map, TikTok, within a year. The clock be tickin', me hearties! Let the negotiations begin before we send them to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, it be a real comedy of errors in the Senate as they debated this swashbuckling bill.
April 23, 2024, 5:52 pm
"Aye, me hearties! The former Captain Trump be standin' by First Mate Johnson's side, while the fiery lass Greene be tryin' to mutiny! 'Tis a battle for the leadership, but fear not, for we have the numbers on our side. Aye, 'tis a tricky situation indeed!"
April 23, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr matey! The scallywag Scott Galloway from New York University be spoutin' about how China be spreadin' pro-Hamas sentiment on college campuses! Pro-Palestinian protesters be causin' a ruckus at Columbia and NYU, clashin' with the NYPD. Galloway be blamin' TikTok for manipulatin' young Americans, arrr!
April 23, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) be singin' victory shanties after helpin' our mates in Israel and Ukraine! Some scallywags be sayin' otherwise, but Johnson be standin' firm. Let's make sure that scurvy dog Putin doesn't get his way in Ukraine! Aye aye, Captain Johnson!
April 23, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, Baltimore be cryin' foul over the scallywags who piloted the cursed container ship that be crashin' into their bridge, sendin' six souls to Davy Jones' locker! They be callin' the ship "unseaworthy" and accusin' the owners of negligence. The court be a sea of chaos as they try to limit their liability. Aye, the port be in shambles since that fateful day! "None of this should have..." be the cry of the victims, may they rest in peace.
April 23, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrrr, me hearties! Elisha Wiesel, scion of the late Elie Wiesel, be teamin' up with swashbucklin' human rights mates to shine a light on the scallywag Chinese government's tyranny against the Uyghurs. Beijing be walkin' the plank with accusations of genocide and mass holdin' of the oppressed. Aye, the fight be on the horizon, me buckos!
April 23, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr mateys! The bigwig AI companies like OpenAI, Meta Platforms, and Google be joinin' forces to protect the young'uns from exploitation. These scallywags be addin' new measures to fend off them pesky predators who use AI to make scandalous images of children. Let's hope they succeed afore any harm be done!
April 23, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr! The scallywags in the U.S. be plannin' to slap sanctions on Chinese banks, hopin' to put a stop to their shenanigans with Russia. But will their threats be enough to scare those sneaky Chinese pirates? Only time will tell, me hearties!
April 23, 2024, 10:59 am
Arrr, mateys! This Trent Staggs be tryin' to polish his Covid record like a scurvy dog scrubbin' the poop deck! He be callin' himself the MAGA candidate, boastin' of defyin' mask mandates and battlin' government officials like a true pirate of the high seas. Sailin' on, Staggs!
April 22, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr! Cap'n Joe Biden be speakin' out against them scallywags causin' a ruckus at them fancy colleges, showin' support for the folks in Palestine while condemnin' the antisemitism. Them protesters be actin' like landlubbers, harassin' and intimidatin' the poor Jewish students. Aye, 'tis a mess indeed!
April 22, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, House GOP Speaker Mike Johnson be pushin' for sendin' more booty to Ukraine in its battle against Russia, despite most Buccaneers nationwide be again' such generosity. On Saturday, 101 scallywags voted in favor o' sendin' $60.8 billion to Ukraine, as well as more gold to Israel and Taiwan. Aye, the polls show most Republican landlubbers be grumblin' about sendin' more aid to Ukraine.
April 22, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr matey, recent tales be tellin' of UCLA School of Medicine strayin' from the path of medicine! Instead o' learnin' about potions and healin', they be talkin' about "Indigenous womxn" and "two-spirits." They be chantin' for "Free Palestine" like scurvy dogs! What be happenin' to this school? Aye, they be plannin' to separate students by their color for courses on left-wing ideas! A travesty, I say!
April 22, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, be denyin' any claims of a "double standard" when it comes to holdin' the Israeli military accountable. The scallywags be investigatin' these accusations as we speak, so no need to walk the plank just yet! Aye, we be keepin' a weather eye on human rights, so fear not, me maties!
April 22, 2024, 9:47 am
Avast ye! 'Tis a sight to behold, Gov. Newsom and Rep. Issa joinin' forces in battle against the homelessness scourge! The Supreme Court be settin' sail on Monday to decide the fate of these encampments. Will the tents stay or be cast aside like a plank-walkin' scallywag? Yo ho ho!
April 22, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr mateys! In the year 2024, New York City be havin' a swarm of Asian-American scallywags runnin' as Republicans! The local GOP be hopin' this wave o' candidates will bring 'em treasure at the polls. Aye, the Asian vote be swingin' to the right, me hearties!
April 22, 2024, 9:29 am
Arr me hearties, listen to this fancy talk from the likes of Tim Cook! Apple be settin' sail for India, where the middle class be growin' and the treasure be plenty. They be lookin' to sell their shiny gadgets and plunder new lands for their tech empire. Aye, it be a grand adventure indeed!
April 22, 2024, 9:27 am
Arrr matey! Phil Wong be a scallywag who be turnin' his back on the liberal ways of this city! He be votin' to recall left-wing scallywags and supportin' a tough-on-crime challenger for mayor. He be lookin' to bring back the ol' days of this city!
April 22, 2024, 5:15 am
Arr matey, them scurvy dogs outside Columbia University be shoutin' for Hamas to burn Tel Aviv! The campus be in a right uproar, with 108 troublemakers taken to the brig by the constables. Aye, the seas be turbulent with these Gaza Solidarity scallywags!
April 22, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, mateys! Methinks this Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be a thorn in Trump's side, according to the scallywags at NBC News. With third party rascals added to the mix, Biden be takin' the lead like a sly pirate in a five-way race. Aye, 'tis a fine political spectacle indeed!
April 22, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis a sad tale indeed! Terry Anderson, the brave soul who sailed the high seas of journalism and was taken captive by scallywags in a far-off land, has passed on to Davy Jones' locker at the ripe age of 76. May his spirit rest in eternal peace.
April 22, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr, me hearties! On th' April 11 edition o' th' United Nations Division fer Palestinian Rights’ NGO Action News, they be talkin' 'bout civil society organizations worldwide relevant to th' Palestine issue. They be directin' ye to th' U.S. Campaign fer Palestinian Rights list o' "5 Ways to Take Action fer Tax Day." If ye be not wantin' yer tax doubloons to fund genocide, they be givin' instructions on how to disrupt fer a free Palestine. Shiver me timbers!
April 21, 2024, 9:07 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be sayin' that most Canadians and Americans don't be trustin' the United Nations! Aye, the Leger survey be findin' that after them scurvy dogs from Hamas attacked Israel, the UN be gettin' a right bashing. Only 38 per cent of Canadians and 30 per cent of Americans be believin' in the UN, by Blackbeard's ghost!
April 21, 2024, 9:05 am
Avast ye! The scallywags in Israel be bombardin' poor Rafah like there be no tomorrow, killin' innocent children and folk left and right. The United States be throwin' gold at 'em like there be no end in sight. It be a right mess, I tell ye!
April 21, 2024, 8:29 am
Arrr! The scurvy Senate scallywags have voted to keep their spyglass trained on us poor landlubbers for two more years! Despite the valiant efforts of civil liberties pirates, the bill be sailin' to President Biden for his seal o' approval. Aye, the battle be fierce but the surveillance be extendin'!
April 21, 2024, 8:27 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the U.S. Senate be votin' to keep spyin' on us poor land lubbers! They narrowly avoided walkin' the plank when they reauthorized this controversial program. But fear not, it be essential for gatherin' foreign intelligence, say the supporters. Democrats and Republicans be joinin' forces like a band of pirates to protect our country's safety. Lettin' FISA expire would be as foolish as tryin' to sail through a hurricane with a leaky ship!
April 20, 2024, 4:17 pm
Arrr mateys! Thar be news from the European Parliament! They be votin' on a new resolution fer the Union's migration policy reform! 'Tis bein' called 'the migration pact' and it be tellin' all Member States to share the burden of asylum seekers. 'Tis aye a jolly good time fer all!
April 20, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis been 25 years since the Columbine massacre and many a tragedy have followed in its wake. But the memory of Columbine be fading faster than a pirate's treasure map in a storm! 'Tis time we recall the true horrors of that day, lest history be lost to the seas.
April 20, 2024, 4:10 pm
Ye scallywags be makin' a fuss over this ByteDance treasure, TikTok! The U.S. House be votin' to ban it unless sold to a proper buyer. The Senate be next, with Captain Biden's approval. Concerns be raised 'bout data security in the New World and beyond. Aye, mateys!
April 20, 2024, 3:48 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the House passed a hefty $95 billion foreign-aid booty, includin' help for Gaza and other war-torn lands. After much quarrelin' in Congress o'er aid for Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan. Speaker Mike Johnson even tossed the Senate's package o'erboard for a more prudent version. But fear not, for the final legislation be a mishmash of both Senate and Republican ideas! Arrr!
April 20, 2024, 10:29 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs from the Far East be honing their skills to unleash chaos upon our vital infrastructure, says the FBI's own Christopher Wray. They be biding their time like cunning foxes, ready to strike a fatal blow when we least expect it. The Volt Typhoon be lurking in the shadows of our very own shores, infiltrating our precious companies of telecommunications, energy, and water. Aye, we be in deep waters indeed!
April 20, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks President Joe Biden be mockin' that scallywag Don Trump as "Sleepy Don" for snoozin' through his trial like a lazy barnacle! The election be a rematch of titans, but ol' Don better wake up if he wants to face off with Biden again in November!
April 20, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, as this sorcery called artificial intelligence be growin' stronger each day, Meta Platforms be unveilin' its latest contraption! But aye, the real question be: whose values should this beast possess? On one side, ye have companies like OpenAI, Microsoft, and Google steerin' clear of touchy subjects like makin' drugs. Aye, the debate be fierce, me hearties!
April 20, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr mateys! The Volkswagen scallywags in the US have decided to join forces with the United Autoworkers Union (UAW) in a grand triumph for organised labour on these shores. The Tennessee crew voted 73% in favor, giving the UAW their first victory at a car factory in the American South in many moons. Despite facing fierce political foes in previous battles, the tide seems to be turning in favor of the hardworking laborers. Aye, the winds of change be blowing in our favor, me hearties!
April 20, 2024, 1:20 am
Arrr, me hearties! Pennsylvania's scallywag Senate hopeful Dave McCormick be takin' aim at a landlubber from the New York Times! He be swearin' the reporter be spoutin' lies about his youth. Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker!
April 20, 2024, 1:10 am
Arrr, the FAA be lookin' into a close shave 'twixt JetBlue and Southwest in Washington! JetBlue had to scuttle its takeoff 'cause Southwest was crossin' the runway like a landlubber. 'Twas a right ol' mess before 8 bells! Aye, the skies be a treacherous place, mateys!
April 20, 2024, 12:55 am
Arrr matey, it be like the curse of Davy Jones be upon these Boeing contraptions! The sea be swallowing 'em up faster than a hungry kraken. Me thinks it be safer to sail the seven seas on a leaky dinghy than on one o' these cursed flying machines!
April 20, 2024, 12:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! Republican Rep. Jim Banks be aimin' to cut off the treasure flow to that scallywag NPR! No more doubloons from the federal coffers for ye, ye scurvy dogs! Ye be walkin' the plank if ye try to sneak a piece of the pie! Aye, the "Defund NPR Act" be settin' sail to keep those landlubbers at bay!
April 19, 2024, 5:57 pm
Arr, ye scallywags in the House o' Democrats be boastin' 'bout helpin' pass Speaker Mike Johnson's rule, much to the chagrin o' them hardline conservatives! Them Democrats be unlockin' votes on foreign aid bills worth a pretty penny, while them Republicans be scramblin' to keep their one-seat majority afloat. Aye, 'tis a political pirate's tale fer sure!
April 19, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr! One scallywag in the Democratic House be tryin' to make sure no convicted felons, like the infamous Donald Trump, be gettin' protection from the Secret Service. This Rep. Bennie Thompson from Mississippi be introducin' a law to make sure them criminals walk the plank without any fancy guards! Aye, what a tale of woe for the former President if he be found guilty!
April 19, 2024, 5:54 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Biden crew be unrollin' their new Title IX rules, stirrin' up a fierce storm of anger and outrage amongst the staunch defenders o' tradition. This mighty tome spans o'er 1,500 pages, boldly declarin' that includin' diverse orientations harms no lasses. Yarrr!
April 19, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Biden crew be layin' down the law to stop the plundering of Alaska's precious oil and gold! The landlubbers be cryin' foul, but the environmentalists be raisin' a cheer. 'Tis all part of Captain Biden's grand plan to save the planet. Fair winds and calm seas, me mateys!
April 19, 2024, 11:49 am
Avast ye scallywags! Israel hath struck a blow to Iran's hideout in Isfahan province, where their nuclear treasure be kept. 'Twas in retaliation for their cowardly attack last week. Stay informed on this swashbuckling tale of two mighty nations at odds! Arrr!
April 19, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, as told by Israeli official security and governmental sources to The Jerusalem Post on Friday: "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Israel struck back where they were ambushed!" Yet, officially, Israel denies responsibility for this skirmish for tactical purposes. Tis a murky battle, indeed, mateys!
April 19, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that the scallywags from Israel be givin' the scurvy dogs from Iran a taste of their own medicine! 'Twas a fierce battle of drones and missiles, but the true damage be shrouded in mystery. The governments be mum, but whispers tell a tale of destruction upon the high seas.
April 19, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr mateys, ye hear the news? Tesla be forced to recall 4,000 o' their Cybertrucks 'cause thar be a sticky accelerator pedal! And what be the culprit, ye ask? 'Tis none other than soap! Aye, ye heard right, soap be the scallywag behind this mishap. Yarrr, what a tale! Tesla better hoist the sails and fix this mess, or they'll be walkin' the plank!
April 18, 2024, 6:41 pm
Arrr, a jury of 12 scallywags be seated on Thursday in former President Donald Trump's history-making trial for hush money! The court be quickly pickin' alternate jurors, aimin' to finish by week's end. The New York jury includes a sales swindler, a software scallywag, and a security scallywag, arrr!
April 18, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr mateys! Twelve scallywags be chosen to decide the fate of former president Donald Trump in a criminal trial o'er hush-money in Manhattan. Judge Merchan be sayin', "We have our jury, let's find our backups." Seven more jurors be added while two walked the plank earlier. The saga continues...arrrr!
April 18, 2024, 6:34 pm
Arrr mateys, in the grand criminal trial of Donald Trump, 12 jurors be chosen to decide his fate. Aye, 'tis all about hush-money to a lass of the sea. The lawyers be still pickin' more jurors for this historic trial. Mayhaps we'll hear the openin' statements on Monday, says Judge Merchan. Ahoy, 'tis a tale for the ages!
April 18, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr! The United States be playin' the role of scallywag at the United Nations Security Council, vetoing the recognition of Gaza as a state. Aye, they be standin' alone like a peg-legged pirate on a deserted island while the rest of the crew be in favor. A true tale of treachery on the high seas!
April 18, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Ramesh Singh had been waitin' for this day for five long years! Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi be kickin' off his election campaign in Singh's city once again. The sugarcane farmer be joinin' the adorin' crowds, ready to deliver Modi a grand third-term victory. Modi be our leader, our savior, like a god to us Hindus!
April 18, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, the land lubbers of the NYPD did seize over a hundred scallywags from Columbia University on Thursday for their defiance in the war against Gaza! The coppers stormed the campus like a pack of hungry sharks, ready to haul the troublemakers off to the brig. The students, undaunted, continued their raucous chants and even set up new tents in defiance. "I be sorry to say that all our parley attempts were met with a hearty 'nay' from the stubborn students," lamented the captain of the NYPD.
April 18, 2024, 5:24 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Over a hundred landlubbers be clapped in irons and carted off from Columbia University by the fearsome NYPD crew in riot gear. Aye, they be causing a ruckus at the behest of the president, but even the fiercest protestors had to be hoisted onto the waiting correctional ships. The rabble then gathered 'round the police carriages, trying to thwart their departure. Oh, the gallant antics of these scallywags!
April 18, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at Google have walked the plank! 28 landlubbers got the boot for staging a sit-in in protest of the Israel government. They even wore Arab headscarves as they took over the office like true buccaneers. The Google bigwigs gave 'em the heave-ho after a thorough rummage through their doings. Ahoy, the pirate life be a harsh one indeed!
April 18, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags at the National Association of Realtors be reporting a 4.3% drop in existing home sales in March! Ye see, the mortgage rates be climbing like a monkey up a mast, scaring off many a potential buyer. Homeowners be holdin' on tight to their treasure chests, afraid to dip their toes back into the home loan waters. Aye, 'tis a rough sea out there for the landlubbers!
April 18, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the House be talkin' about makin' it harder to walk the plank for the speaker! No longer can one lone pirate make the call to toss 'em overboard. 'Tis all just talk for now, but the seas be treacherous for Speaker Mike Johnson...arrr!
April 18, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye mateys! Google hath given the boot to 28 scallywags after a mutiny in their offices over a cloud deal with the Israeli scoundrels. 'Tis a tale of discontent amongst the crew, accusing Israel of using our services to harm the poor Palestinians. Oh the drama on the high seas! Aye, the No Tech For Apartheid crew be causing quite the ruckus at Google! Arrr!
April 17, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags be accusin' Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of usin' House videos for her own gain! The scallywags be callin' on the Office of Congressional Ethics to investigate this lass. Ye can't be plunderin' House resources, savvy? Aye, the law be clear on this matter!
April 17, 2024, 5:01 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A bill in California be makin' it a felony to purchase child sex, arrr! Them Democrats be makin' changes to the bill, makin' it tougher on them scallywags who be seekin' out young'uns. If ye be caught, it be four years in the brig and a hefty fine. And ye be markin' yerself as a sex offender for a whole decade! Mayhaps they be makin' the punishment a wee bit too harsh, but aye, better be keepin' them young'uns safe from them vile villains! Arrr mateys!
April 17, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs be hearin' the news! The University of North Carolina be tossin' out the fancy words like diversity and equity faster than a cannonball! They be votin' to scrap DEI requirements like they be throwin' a mutinous crew overboard. Arrr, it be a fierce battle on the high seas of academia, mateys!
April 17, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr, a group of scallywags from Columbia University did their best to dodge a tidal wave o' trouble at a House hearing on antisemitism. But, like landlubbers in a storm, they floundered when faced with questions from Republican buccaneers. The same question that left Harvard, Penn, and MIT walkin' the plank last year was tossed their way by Rep. Suzanne Bonamici. Aye, the sea be rough for these academic sailors!
April 17, 2024, 11:55 am
Avast ye scallywags! Officials in San Diego be cryin' for Congress to tighten the border laws as more migrants be sailin' in on California's beaches. A speedboat made landfall in Carlsbad, with folks jumpin' ship like rats. 'Twas a sight to behold, as captured on the magical tubes of the interwebs. Arrr!
April 17, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr mateys! Dozens of Google scallywags be occupyin' their offices in protest of a $1.2 billion contract with the Israeli government. The sit-in be happenin' at the CEO's quarters in Sunnyvale and the New York office, with outdoor protests to boot. No Tech for Apartheid be raisin' some serious ruckus! Arrr!
April 17, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! Nine scallywags from Google be thrown in the brig after a mighty fine sit-in at their offices in New York and California. They be protestin' Google's deal with the Israeli government for cloud services. Mayhaps they be wantin' to walk the plank next! Aye, the rum be flowin' tonight!
April 17, 2024, 11:45 am
Avast ye mateys! The constables have snagged a bunch of Google scallywags for raisin' a ruckus against Israel! They be demandin' the cancelin' of a lucrative contract! It be a battle of the tech titans, with Amazon in the mix! The mutiny be growin', with over 200 crew members in the "No Tech for Apartheid" group! Arrr!
April 17, 2024, 4:26 am
Arrr mateys, a band of more than 2,000 news publishers be sendin' letters to the crown's agencies, demandin' an inquiry into Google's treacherous actions! The scallywags be removin' links to our loyal California-based news outlets. 'Tis a battle over a law demandin' payment for news content! The News/Media Alliance be raisin' their voices against the mighty Google! Aye!
April 17, 2024, 4:26 am
Arr! House scoundrels on Tuesday be summoning a top matey to former National Institutes of Allergy and Infectious Diseases captain, Dr. Anthony Fauci, over his use of his private pigeon post to parley about the origins of the pox. The House Select Subcommittee be demandin' documents from Dr. David Morens' private carrier pigeon account after messages revealed he be using it for Covid-19 correspondences. Arrr, a scandal on the high seas indeed!
April 17, 2024, 4:24 am
Arrr, word be goin' 'round that Prime Minister Netanyahu be dodgin' a call from British Prime Minister Sunak. The scallywags at Kan be claimin' it true, but the Prime Minister's Office be denyin' it. Aye, the plot thickens like a good stew on a pirate ship! Arrr!
April 16, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The House Republicans be as unhappy as a parrot in a storm with Speaker Mike Johnson's foreign aid plan! Scott Perry and Jim Banks be shouting from the crow's nest about the madness of givin' more booty to Ukraine than to Israel and ignorin' our own Southern border. Aye, 'tis a tale of treachery and foolishness!
April 16, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywag Donald Trump be facin' a trial for hush money crimes! Six jurors be chosen to serve in this quest for justice. Justice Juan Merchan be keepin' a close eye on the proceedings, makin' sure all be sailin' smoothly. Ahoy, let the trial continue!
April 16, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! Google landlubbers, donned in Arab headscarves, raided the office of their cloud captain in California, whilst their mates staged a sit-in at the headquarters in New York City. The rebellious crew, known as "No Tech for Apartheid," took to the seas of social media to share their plunderin' antics. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold!
April 16, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in China be helpin' to make the deadly fentanyl that be causin' chaos in the U.S.! They be givin' incentives to their companies to make these dangerous chemicals, as long as they sell 'em overseas. Aye, the treachery knows no bounds!
April 16, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! Justice Clarence Thomas be back on the bench, ready to ask questions like a seasoned pirate navigatin' the treacherous waters of law. The crew be discussin' whether to charge them scallywags with obstruction for interferin' with the official business of Congress. Aye, the legal seas be rough indeed!
April 16, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr! Avast ye mateys! NPR be givin' poor Uri Berliner a taste of the plank for speakin' ill of the crown! The scallywag be walkin' the plank for five days without his share of the booty. 'Tis a lesson in not crossin' the powers that be, ye landlubber!
April 16, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr mateys, in the land of Georgia, the scallywags in the parliament be fightin' like dogs over a bone o'er this foreign agent bill! And the good people o' Tbilisi be standin' strong, protestin' against this tyranny! The ruling party be makin' us register like landlubbers if we take too much gold from abroad! The opponents be ready to walk the plank if this bill passes!
April 16, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Thousands o' landlubbers be raisin' a ruckus in the Georgian capital Tbilisi, demandin' the scrappin' o' a dastardly "foreign influence" bill inspired by them authoritarian laws from our scurvy neighbour, Russia. They be shoutin' "No to the Russian law!" outside parliament, wavin' flags like true pirates. Last year, the scallywags tried to pass a "foreign agents" bill, but we made 'em walk the plank! This be a fight worth sailin' for, me mateys!
April 16, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr mateys, Georgia's parliament be like a ship in a squall on Monday! The scallywag leader of the Georgian Dream party got a taste of fisticuffs from an opposition MP while jawing about "foreign agents." The video be a treasure, showing the poor bloke toppling over like a drunken sailor. Aye, aye!
April 16, 2024, 4:08 am
Arrr, mateys! Aye, a federal agency did not reappoint a former Trump advisor to an elections advisory board after a scurvy left-wing activist group threatened to launch a public criticism campaign. Cleta Mitchell, a lawyer now at the Conservative Partnership Institute, was appointed to the Election Assistance Commission. After months of badgering, United...
April 15, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywags in the House be cookin' up a batch of bills to give them landlubbers in Iran a taste of their own medicine for messin' with Israel. The White House be pushin' for punishment, as Iran's swashbucklers fired a boatload of missiles at the Jewish state.
April 15, 2024, 5:45 pm
Avast ye mateys! A scallywag migrant be stabbin' two souls at the Texas-Mexico border when a brave laddie of the National Guard let loose a shot! The showdown went down Sunday by the Rio Grande in El Paso. Aye, 'twas a wild tale of swords and gunfire on the high seas. Arrrr!
April 15, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Trump scallywags be tryin' to make light of the issue of abortion in the land of Arizona. They be claimin' that only them Democratic landlubbers be carin' about it. But beware, me mateys! The state Supreme Court be upholdin' a ban from the 19th century!
April 15, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Israel be lettin' go of 150 scallywags they be holdin' in Gaza. Some say they be mistreated while in the brig. Two brave souls from the Palestine Red Crescent Society be locked up fer 50 days! Aye, some be so poorly they be sent to healers.
April 15, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! The cap'n o' Tesla, Elon Musk, be sendin' word to the crew that many a scallywag will soon be walkin' the plank! No exact numbers be given, but 'tis said at least 14,000 souls will be feelin' the sting of the cutlass. Ye best be keepin' an eye out, me mateys!
April 15, 2024, 11:49 am
Arr, me hearties! Tesla be preparin' to lay off more than 10% of its crew after a dismal first quarter of plunderin' and fierce competition in the electric vehicle seas. Cap'n Musk be sendin' a message in a bottle seekin' to cut costs and boost productivity. Ye be walkin' the plank if ye don't shape up!
April 15, 2024, 11:47 am
"Arrr mateys, after sufferin' a year-over-year decline in vehicle deliveries, Tesla be plannin' to lay off over ten percent of its scallywags. At least 14,000 of the 140,473 crew members will walk the plank. Cap'n Musk be sayin', 'I hate it, but it must be done.'"
April 15, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr mateys! The plunderin' of US retail sales be higher than expected in March, and the month afore be revised up. 'Tis proof of the hearty consumer demand that be keepin' our economy afloat like a sturdy ship on the high seas!
April 15, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr mateys, Senate Republican scallywag Kari Lake be talkin' about her views on the rumble in the tummy while tellin' her fellow Republican shipmates in Arizona to repeal an olden restriction on the matter. The battle be brewin' in this key battleground state, shakin' things up like a storm at sea.
April 15, 2024, 5:39 am
Avast ye scallywags! When Robert F. Kennedy Jr. declared Nicole Shanahan, ex-wife of Google scallywag Sergei Brin, as his shipmate for the presidency, there was much howling and tooth-gnashing from the usual suspects. Despite her own treasure trove of success, her Silicon Valley ties had the landlubbers aghast! Arrr!
April 15, 2024, 5:37 am
Arr, when I started me work as a consular officer at the US embassy in Ankara, Turkey, I thought I'd be sailin' smooth seas for 20 years. But then that scallywag Trump came along with his "Muslim ban" orders, and me routine job was thrown into chaos faster than a cannonball off the port bow!
April 15, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs in the House o' Republicans be plannin' a vote to aid Israel after them landlubbers in Iran launched an attack on the Jewish state! The House Majority Leader be changin' the schedule to punish Iran and show support for Israel. Avast ye, Iran!
April 14, 2024, 7:58 am
Arrr! Me hearties, word has it that former President Trump be backin' House Speaker Mike Johnson against the likes of Marjorie Taylor Greene. Aye, they be standin' side by side at Mar-a-Lago, makin' peace in the midst of a pirate's political storm. 'Tis a tangled web we weave!
April 14, 2024, 7:57 am
Avast ye mateys! The former Cap'n Trump be backin' Speaker Mike Johnson as the scallywag Marjorie Taylor Greene be causin' a ruckus. At Mar-a-Lago, Trump be sayin' the Speaker be doin' a fine job. Looks like the crew be gettin' along just fine, arrr!
April 14, 2024, 7:05 am
Arrr mateys! Israel be takin' down the scurvy dogs sent by Iran, 300 of 'em in fact! The Jewish state be showin' no fear in the face of such a vicious attack. The United States even lent a hand in the fight against these pesky drones and missiles. Aye, victory be ours!
April 14, 2024, 7:03 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that China be aidin' Russia in their war by supplyin' 'em with fancy gadgets and gizmos for their military. 'Tis a boost to Moscow's arsenal, makin' 'em more formidable in battle. Aye, 'tis a curious tale indeed!
April 13, 2024, 3:44 am
Arrr, the judge be denyin' Trump's plea for a delay in his trial! The former president be tryin' to avoid facin' the jury, claimin' the news be prejudicial. But the courts be havin' none of it, makin' Trump walk the plank on Monday! Aye, the seas be rough for this scallywag!
April 13, 2024, 3:42 am
Arr, Steve Bannon, that swashbucklin' scallywag of a right-wing media matey, be takin' a jab at the fancy shindig betwixt Trump and Johnson, callin' it "meaningless" on the cursed social media. Methinks 'tis all a bunch of hot air and bluster from those landlubber politicians!
April 13, 2024, 3:32 am
Arr matey! The former cap'n Donald Trump be standin' by House Speaker Mike Johnson as that scallywag Marjorie Taylor Greene be stirrin' up trouble. A nosy reporter asked Trump if he be supportin' Greene's plot to oust Johnson, but Trump be loyal to his matey Johnson, sayin' he be doin' a fine job. Arr, we be sailin' smoothly with the speaker at the helm!
April 13, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr mateys, after many moons of campus mutinies o'er the war in Gaza, the universities be takin' a stand 'gainst the scallywags who break the rules. 'Twas a fine spectacle at Berkeley Law School, when a band o' students be protestin' the school's supposed funds for weapons in Gaza at the dean's own abode. The dean be warnin' any other troublemakers that they'll be walkin' the plank if they disrupt his affairs. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in the taverns!
April 12, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr, the Gulf monarchies be beggin' the US to keep their cannons quiet and not be usin' their bases for any attacks on Iran! The scallywags be workin' like mad to make sure they don't get caught up in any revenge schemes against Tehran. Savvy?
April 12, 2024, 4:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Trump be cryin' for Arizona to swashbuckle their abortion laws! The court be walkin' the plank with their ruling, but the mateys be flounderin' in response. Shiver me timbers, what a hullabaloo over a bit o' femal' autonomy!
April 12, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis a sight to behold! Costco be raking in the doubloons, sellin' gold bars worth $200 million a month! The silver coins be flyin' off the shelves like a cannonball from a pirate ship! Gold prices be climbin' higher than the crow's nest, settin' a new record of $2,400! Aye, 'tis a treasure worth fightin' for!
April 12, 2024, 3:04 pm
Arrr! Iran be sendin' a message to the Biden crew through Arab lands this week: If the U.S. meddles in the tussle 'twixt Israel and Iran, American forces in the region will feel the wrath, say three U.S. officials. The U.S. and Israel best be ready for Iran's revenge for the slayin' o' their general in Damascus. The Iranian leader be warnin'...
April 12, 2024, 11:27 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Thar be a new flick called 'Civil War' that'll shiver yer timbers! American chaos be runnin' wild in Manhattan and Pittsburgh, with a hint of sex appeal to boot. This Alex Garland masterpiece be a real jaw-dropper, like 'Apocalypse Now' meetin' TikTok! Aye, A24 be pullin' out all the stops with this beauty. Set sail for the cinema, me mateys, and prepare to be amazed by the swashbucklin' adventures of Kirsten Dunst as a badass photographer! Arrr!
April 12, 2024, 11:23 am
Arr, me hearties! Catherine Herridge, the fearless journalist from CBS News, bravely faced a House Judiciary subcommittee to fight for press freedoms and the Press Act law. She be a scallywag who stood her ground, even when faced with contempt of court and the dreaded cutlass of unemployment. Judge Cooper be a villain who imposed a fine of $... upon her. Aye, tis a tale of high seas and treacherous waters for this journalist!
April 12, 2024, 11:22 am
"Arrr, ye scurvy knaves at CBS thought they could silence me by takin' me files and lockin' me out of me office! But they be mistaken, for this old sea dog won't go down without a fight! Shiver me timbers, the gall of these landlubbers!"
April 12, 2024, 11:22 am
Former wench of CBS News and Fox News, Catherine Herridge, did speaketh on Thursday about the nefarious act of 'journalistic rape' by CBS. They did seize her papers upon her dismissal, locking her out of her emails and the office. Aye, 'twas a scurvy move by the network of Walter.
April 12, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr matey! The United States be sendin' its top commander to the Middle East to stand by Israel in case them scallywags from Iran try any funny business. Iran be talkin' big, but Israel be ready to give 'em a taste of their own medicine. Avast!
April 11, 2024, 8:01 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In late 2023, America be sailin' towards an economic fairy-tale endin'. But 2024 be throwin' us a curveball! The economy be growin' faster than a pirate grabbin' treasure, jobs be poppin' up like hidden booty, and inflation be playin' tricks on us. Aye, a different conclusion be on the horizon!
April 11, 2024, 7:55 pm
Arrr mateys, the Federal Reserve be takin' a hit from a firmer-than-expected inflation report! It be makin' it harder for them to bring about a soft landin' by lowerin' interest rates. With solid hirin' and inflation creepin' closer to 3%, the Fed be in a spot o' trouble!
April 11, 2024, 7:52 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Cap'n Joe Biden be holdin' firm to his word that the Federal Reserve will be slicin' interest rates afore the year's end. He be stickin' to his guns even in the face of a pesky Consumer Price Index report. Avast ye, rate cut be comin'!
April 11, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr mateys! NPR be in a heap o' trouble this week as they be facin' a mutiny from within and a barrage o' attacks from them prominent conservatives. A senior editor be spillin' the beans, claimin' that liberal bias be tarnishin' their trust with the audience. What a scallywag!
April 11, 2024, 4:56 pm
Whilst scouring the digital seas for loot to please her kin, LaTonya Mullins-Mobley chanced upon an ad for Temu, a Chinese marketplace of grand discounts. Astounded by the bargains, she now jests that she be in cahoots with the app, purchasing treasures for her offspring and even starting a sunglass enterprise.
April 11, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrr, FBI director Christopher Wray be cryin' like a landlubber about Mexico's lack o' support in keepin' out them treacherous cartels and deadly drugs! The scallywag be beggin' for more cooperation, sayin' we need "much, much more" help from the south. Aye, 'tis a rough sea we be sailin' on, me hearties!
April 11, 2024, 4:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be chargin' us a fortune for insurin' our trusty vessels! 'Tis causin' inflation to soar like a seagull on a stiff breeze. Beware, ye car owners! The costs be risin' faster than a cannonball fired from a pirate ship! Aye, the plunder be costly indeed!
April 11, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrgh! FBI Captain Christopher Wray be tellin' Congress of his fears o' scurvy dogs plannin' attacks on American soil. These rascals be gettin' ideas from overseas mischief! But mark me words, we be keepin' a weather eye on 'em, savvy?
April 11, 2024, 9:57 am
Avast ye scallywags! The FBI be worried about a dastardly attack on American shores, like the one that sent scores to Davy Jones' locker at a Russian concert hall. Christopher Wray himself be spewing tales of heightened threats to our safety and security. Aye, the seas be treacherous indeed! Arrr!
April 11, 2024, 9:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! The FBI Director be squawkin' 'bout a right fierce threat to our safety and security! He be askin' for more gold to fight off these scurvy dogs. Aye, 'tis a perilous time we be livin' in, mateys! Aye, pass the rum!
April 11, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr mateys! Ye scallywag O.J. Simpson, known fer his infamous trial in the '90s, has shuffled off this mortal coil after a fierce battle with the scurvy known as cancer. The former NFL swashbuckler departed this world in Las Vegas on Wednesday, as confirmed by his kin. Fair winds and following seas, O.J.!
April 10, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye mateys! Fer the third day in a row, a New York appeals court hath denied former President Trump's scallywag lawyers' request to delay his upcoming hush money trial. This be yet another legal blow to Trump, increasing the chances that the trial will commence on April 15 as planned. Arrr! Trump be pleading not guilty to 34 felony counts, accused of swindling and falsifying records to hide payments to an adult film star. Aye, the plot thickens!
April 10, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr! Methinks David Bellavia be a brave soul, bein' awarded the Medal of Honor fer his valor in battle. But now, he be callin' out President Biden on his foreign policy in the Middle East! Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we be sailin', with anti-Israel scallywags callin' fer complete annihilation!
April 10, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Bloomberg be cryin' out: "US futures be takin' a plunge as core CPI be risin' higher than expected!" Aye, 'tis true. But let's not be forgettin' the common folk sufferin' from this cursed inflation. The Washington Post be warnin' us all of the troubles ahead. Aye, buckle up, me mateys!
April 10, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, mateys! The NHS be takin' a closer look at all the transgender medical treatments, for the evidence be as weak as a scurvy dog's bones! Dr. Cass, a savvy pediatrician, be soundin' the alarm on this matter. Aye, the truth be revealin' itself, me hearties!
April 10, 2024, 9:24 am
Arrr! Ye scurvy dog, Allen Weisselberg, former financial chief of Trump's ship, be sentenced to five months in the brig for tellin' lies during the captain's fraud trial. With naught but a black jacket and blue trousers, he be taken away in chains by the court's crew. Aye, a sad day indeed!
April 10, 2024, 9:22 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis be a tale of Allen Weisselberg, the scallywag who be caught in a web o' lies 'bout Trump's treasure! Sentenced to a stay in the brig for his deceit, he be lookin' to bury this mess and sail away free. Aye, justice be served!
April 10, 2024, 9:21 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dog Allen Weisselberg hath been sentenced to five moons in the brig for his deceitful ways regarding the gold of Donald Trump. Judge Laurie Peterson hath spoken, and the punishment be as foretold. Walk the plank, ye knave!
April 10, 2024, 8:24 am
Avast ye mateys! Methinks this Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu be makin' a blunder in his war plan in Gaza, says the scallywag Joe Biden. Arrr, I don't be agreein' with his approach, says the bloke to Univision. Israel's bombin' be called "indiscriminate" and their actions be "over the plank!"
April 10, 2024, 5:29 am
Avast ye scallywags! Listen up, for when the meatpacking behemoth, Tyson Foods, declared their wicked plans to close the pork plant in Perry, Iowa and cast off all 1,200 souls, it shed light on a sneaky scheme by big, fancy corporations to keep a tight grip on wages. Arrr, tis a treacherous sea we sail upon, me hearties! The very same day they made this vile proclamation, Bloomberg News reported...
April 9, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr matey, the loot be growin' slower than a snail's pace under President Biden's watch. But fear not me hearties, for in the past year, our treasure be outpacin' the dreaded inflation beast! The White House be cheerin' as Biden sets sail for a second term. Inflation be down two-thirds and our booty be on the rise, yarrrr!
April 9, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Democratic Attorney General Kristin Mayes of Arizona be sayin' she won't be followin' the supreme court's ruling on them abortion laws from 1864. It be a right old mess, with laws changin' faster than a ship in a storm. Aye, there be no end to the shenanigans on the legal seas!
April 9, 2024, 5:32 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A salty sea dog of NPR be cryin' foul, sayin' the ship be adrift on a sea of madness! He be talkin' 'bout transgender pirates and denyin' the truth of biological booty. Arrr, the times be a-changin' at NPR, me hearties!
April 9, 2024, 5:31 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A lad from Idaho, just 18 years of age, hath been caught plottin' to raid local churches in the name of ISIS! The scallywag, Alexander Scott Mercurio, be charged with supportin' those blimey terrorists. He was nabbed the day before he meant to strike in Coeur d’Alene. Arrr!
April 9, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr mateys, listen ye well! The scurvy dogs runnin' these chemical plants must now be keepin' a closer eye on their toxic pollutants, else face the wrath of the Biden administration! Aye, 'tis to protect the landlubbers from cancer near these foul industrial sites. The Environmental Protection Agency be crackin' down on them scallywags, specifically targetin' ethylene. 'Tis been two decades since such restrictions were last imposed. May the sea gods help those who fail to comply!
April 9, 2024, 11:32 am
Arr, me hearties! The confidence o' small businesses be at its lowest in over 11 years this March. The scallywags be worried 'bout inflation still plaguin' us. Even though other signs show it bein' less o' a scurvy dog, the National Federation o' Independent Business be reportin' a lowly score o' 88.5. A quarter o' the crew be sayin' that the risin' costs be the biggest problem. Aye, a tough time indeed for us mateys!
April 9, 2024, 11:21 am
Avast ye scallywags! Hamas be havin' none o' that Israeli ceasefire proposal, says a senior scallywag. Netanyahu be settin' sail for Rafah, Gaza's last haven for poor souls. Teams from Israel and Hamas be meetin' in Egypt, with meddlin' Qatari and Egyptian swashbucklers, and even the CIA be stickin' its nose in. The pressure be risin' for a deal, arrr!
April 9, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr mateys, Chipsmith Arm be known for makin' phones last longer with less power. Now, Cap'n Haas be sayin' we need that same magic for our AI machines! Aye, the U.S. and Japan be coughin' up $110 million for AI research, and Arm and SoftBank be sailin' with 'em.
April 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arr, me hearties! Donald Trump be talkin' about abortion and IVF like a scallywag! He be sayin' it be a state issue, but also supportin' IVF. Methinks he be talkin' in circles like a landlubber lost at sea. Aye, the law of the state be a mighty confusing thing, mateys!
April 8, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr mateys! The White House be mighty upset with them scallywags chantin' "death to America" at a rally in Dearborn! Tarek Bazzi be dishin' out insults like a landlubber. America be one of the "rottenest countries" ever? That be like callin' Blackbeard a gentle soul! Aye, the White House be havin' none of it!
April 8, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys! Listen up ye scallywags! Mayo Clinic scallywags be sayin' that lads tryin' puberty blockers may end up with shrunken treasures and trouble makin' wee ones. These scurvy dogs be castin' doubt on the idea that ye can reverse the effects. Beware the dangers of messin' with yer manhood, ye landlubbers!
April 8, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr matey! The scurvy dog Trump be tryin' to dodge his trial like a sneaky pirate! He be suin' the judge and beggin' for a change of location! Aye, he be wantin' to dismiss the gag order too! But beware, for the law be catchin' up to him for falsifyin' records! Aye, a likely pirate's tale indeed!
April 8, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, mateys! Beware those treacherous glasses for the solar eclipse! Amazon be sendin' word that they be not safe for viewin' the celestial show. Ye best be keepin' yer peepers protected, lest ye be seein' more than just the eclipse! Aye, 'tis a pirate's life for me!
April 8, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr mateys, the Biden scallywags be settin' sail to give a bounty o' gold to the Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Company to build fancy chip factories in the U.S. Aye, 'tis a grand move to bring back the tech treasure to our shores! Yarr, the seas be shiverin' with excitement!
April 8, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! Former Marvel scallywag Jonathan Majors be walkin' the plank after bein' called out by his former flame, the dancer Grace Jabbari, for bein' a remorseless scallywag who assaulted her in a Manhattan carriage. Jabbari, wearin' a pink suit, be warnin' that this scoundrel be not sorry and will strike again! Aye, me thinks this sea dog be needin' to walk the plank for his misdeeds!
April 8, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, the U.S. Federal Reserve be holdin' steady on the interest rates, mateys! Some scurvy economists be sayin' a summer cut be out of the question. The jobs report be showin' the strong labor market, so the Fed be treadin' lightly. Keep a weather eye on the consumer price index, me hearties!
April 8, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr mateys! In the past century, many a fast-food chain hath risen from the depths, offerin' cheap grub and a jolly good time. But alas, as tastes be changin', some scallywags fail to keep up with the times. Bad decisions can send a brand to Davy Jones' locker. Even once mighty ships like Burger Chef and Lum's can sink into obscurity, only to resurface like a ghost ship in the night. Yarrr!
April 8, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr mateys! The President, Joe Biden, be settin' sail on Monday to announce a grand new plan to forgive student loans! Tis a treasure worth millions for us landlubbers. Gather 'round in Madison, Wisconsin to hear the details of this aid package. Last year, the Supreme Court scuppered his first plan, but now he's back with a cunning Plan B to make it happen. Ahoy, me hearties!
April 8, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr mateys, dozens of scallywag Democrats be followin' President Biden's lead and arguin' against supportin' Israel after a parley with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu. They be callin' to cease sendin' weapons to Israel after a strike that sent seven souls to Davy Jones' locker. 'Tis a mutiny led by Nancy Pelosi, aye!
April 8, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr mateys, the leader o' the U.N.'s atomic watchdog be scoldin' them scurvy dogs who be firin' drones at the nuclear reactors in Ukrainian waters. Such reckless actions be raisin' the chances of a catastrophic nuclear disaster. Three direct hits on Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant be confirmed, aye, this be a treacherous deed that must not be repeated!
April 7, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis said that Donald Trump's crew be gatherin' a grand booty o' $50.5 million at a fundraiser in Florida! Aye, they be tryin' t'close the gap with President Joe Biden's crew and the Democrats. 'Twas a haul that be leavin' Biden's $26 million in the dust! Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in the high seas!
April 7, 2024, 3:13 pm
Arr mateys, the great Donald Trump be haulin' in a treasure trove of $50.5 million at a grand fundraiser in Florida! Aye, it be the biggest haul yet for the former president as he gears up for a rematch against that scurvy dog Joe Biden. The seas be rough for Trump with his coffers runnin' low, but this windfall be a welcome sight indeed!
April 7, 2024, 3:10 pm
"Arrr mateys! The former Cap'n Trump's crew be claimin' they plundered over $50 million at a grand GOP gathering in Palm Beach! Aye, 'tis more gold than three democrat presidents put together! 'Tis a tale that'll be sung in taverns fer ages!"
April 7, 2024, 12:24 pm
"Avast ye scallywags! This Venezuelan scoundrel, a 'migrant influencer' on TikTok, now be cryin' like a bilge rat in jail. He misses the sweet freedom he once had in the US! What a tale of woe! The poor soul claims 'persecution' like a true landlubber. Ye reap what ye sow, matey!"
April 7, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! House Intelligence Committee Cap'n Mike Turner be callin' out his fellow GOP shipmates for fallin' fer Russian propaganda like landlubbers! The scallywag be warnin' us that the enemy's lies be spreadin' like scurvy on a ship. Shiver me timbers!
April 7, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis a tale of political shenanigans on the high seas! Populist Peter Pellegrini be takin' the helm as president of Slovakia, ousting the liberal Zuzana Caputova. With his victory over Ivan Korčok, he be sailin' the ship with a dovish eye towards Russia. Avast, Slovakia be under the control of Mr Fico and his scallywags, makin' 'em Ukraine's staunchest mateys. Arrr, the winds of change be blowin' in Slovakia!
April 7, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, the Israeli scallywags be claimin' they be sendin' their ground troops back to the ship after their long plunderin' in Gaza. The future of their siege be uncertain as they face pressure from the Yanks to lessen the harm. Let's hope they be findin' some rum to recuperate!
April 6, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. be mighty disturbed by the weaponization of government against Trump! If elected, he be swearin' to appoint a special counsel to sniff out any political tomfoolery related to the Capitol riot. Aye, he be settin' the record straight on January 6!
April 6, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be sailin' through stormy seas, claimin' the Democrats and Republicans be equally guilty of stirrin' up trouble over the Capitol attack. The scallywags be playin' their games while America be torn apart. Aye, 'tis a treacherous time we live in, me hearties!
April 6, 2024, 9:49 am
Arrr mateys! Methinks this Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be talkin' like a scallywag 'bout them rioters at th' Capitol! He be suggestin' they be persecuted fer political reasons, joinin' forces with that scurvy dog Trump! What next, walkin' th' plank fer raisin' funds fer th' rioters? Aye, 'tis a strange world we live in!
April 6, 2024, 7:21 am
Arrr, when NATO's scallywags gather this summer to hoist their flag for the 75th year of their military brotherhood, the last thing they be wishin' to spy be a mighty Russian fleet marchin' across Ukraine! What Ukraine be yearnin' for be a spot in NATO's crew, but they won't be gettin' a seat at the table in July, mateys! NATO be too full up to take on a new ship in these troubled waters, aye!
April 6, 2024, 6:23 am
Arrr, mateys! The United States be on tenterhooks, expectin' a possible raid from Iran aimed at Israeli or American valuables in the region! Keep a weather eye open, for trouble be brewin' in these waters, with Iran seekin' retribution for a scuffle in Syria! Avast, ye be warned!
April 6, 2024, 5:53 am
Arr, President Joe Biden be tellin' Egypt and Qatar to use their powers to make Hamas agree to a deal with Israel for the hostages. His matey, Jake Sullivan, be meetin' with the families of the captives, while the CIA be sendin' William Burns to Cairo to parley with the top officials. Arr, let's hope they can free the prisoners afore it be too late!
April 6, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr mateys, these microschools be all the rage since the plague hit the land! Like a one-room school ship, with a measly 16 scallywags aboard. Some say they be freedom, but others be doubting their worth. We know not how many be sailin' these tiny vessels...arrr!
April 6, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr mateys, when the Food and Drug Administration gathered its band of advisers to pass judgment on a heart contraption by Abbott, they failed to mention that most of 'em were pocketing gold from the very same company! One scallywag even raked in nearly $200,000 in booty from Abbott, says the Department of Health and Human Services database. Aye, a fine crew of swindlers indeed!
April 5, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! The scallywags at the Consumer Product Safety Commission be warnin' ye about 8.4 million bags o' laundry pods that ain't safe for yer little buccaneers. If ye bought Tide Pods or other cursed brands, beware - they be a danger to yer wee ones. Aye, avoid them like a cursed treasure!
April 5, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr me hearties! It be a sad day for all ye scallywags and landlubbers as all 371 treasure troves of the 99 Cents Only stores be closin' down. Blamin' it on the cursed inflationary pressures, the scurvy executives be makin' the difficult decision. Time to pillage the liquidation sales, me mateys, before the lowest price be no more! Aye, 'tis a bitter end to this grand adventure.
April 5, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr mateys, this scallywag Elon Musk be cryin' foul at those scurvy dogs at Reuters! They be claimin' Tesla be ditchin' their plans for cheap electric carriages for robo-taxis. But fear not, me hearties, for Tesla be bouncin' back from this blow like a cork in a stormy sea!
April 5, 2024, 4:43 pm
Arr mateys! The U.S. CDC be soundin' the alarm on a scurvy case o' avian influenza! A farm hand from Texas be catchin' it from them dairy cows - aye, ye heard right, cows! 'Tis the second case of the dreaded bird flu in the States, arr! Avast, beware the feathered fiends!
April 5, 2024, 10:32 am
Avast ye! A rumble of the earth shook the land from five boroughs to New Jersey, causing chaos and mayhem among the landlubbers. The likes of Schenectady, Connecticut, and Pennsylvania felt the wrath of Mother Nature as she knocked over figurines and rattled household fixtures. The USGS reported a magnitude of 4.7 near Lebanon, New Jersey. The brave lads of the FDNY sprang into action to quell the panic that ensued.
April 5, 2024, 9:44 am
Avast ye scallywags! There be a tale unfoldin' of journalistic shenanigans so scandalous it would make Blackbeard blush! Carl Cannon, the chief of the Washington bureau for RealClearPolitics, hath fired a shot across the bow of the New York Times. 'Tis a showdown of epic proportions, me hearties!
April 5, 2024, 9:31 am
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that jobs be multiplyin' like rum bottles in January! The labor market be as strong as a pirate ship in a storm, despite interest rates and pesky inflation. Employers be addin' 303,000 jobs, makin' them economists walk the plank with their measly 200,000 forecast. Unemployment be droppin' to 3.8%, makin' the Federal Reserve keepin' a keen eye on the horizon for any signs of trouble. Aye, the job market be sailin' smooth seas, me hearties!
April 5, 2024, 9:28 am
Arrr mateys, in March, the creation of jobs be surpassin' all expectations, showin' the labor market be thrivin' and hearty. Nonfarm payrolls be risin' by 303,000, higher than what the Dow Jones scallywags had predicted. The unemployment rate be droppin' to 3.8%, aye, a good sign indeed. Arrr!
April 4, 2024, 8:12 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Me hearty Jack Smith be in quite a tizzy over Judge Cannon's decree about jury instructions in the case against that scoundrel Trump. Stay tuned for more in me weekend column, where I'll spin a tale worth its weight in gold doubloons! Arrr!
April 4, 2024, 7:45 pm
Arrr, President Joe Biden be welcomin' NATO's 75th anniversary like a jolly ol' pirate greetin' new crewmates! Sweden be joinin' the party, while Ukraine be waitin' for an invite like a parrot squawkin' for a cracker. Biden be cheerin' on Finland and Sweden like a captain protectin' his treasure. Aye, this be the mightiest alliance on the seven seas!"
April 4, 2024, 7:42 pm
Arrr, NATO be celebratin' 75 years of collective defense 'cross Europe and North America. The top diplomats be swearin' to stick to their guns in Ukraine as them Russian scallywags strut their stuff on the battlefield. The alliance be thinkin' 'bout givin' Ukraine more long-term support. In a bold move, Ukraine be recruitin' younger lads to fill their ranks. Aye, 'tis a fine mess we be in!
April 4, 2024, 7:38 pm
Arr mateys! NATO scallywags gathered in Brussels on Thursday to chat about Russia's invasion of Ukraine. 'Tis the biggest attack on Europe since the days of Blackbeard! They be talkin' about helpin' Kyiv with more guns and cannons. Let's hope they send some cannons and not just empty promises!
April 3, 2024, 5:53 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywags known as Democrats be squawking like parrots about Nebraska, as the likes of Gov. Jim Pillen and former President Trump be aimin' to make all the electoral votes go to the swashbuckler who wins the whole shebang. Pillen has hoisted the Jolly Roger and set sail with the conservative crew to change the way votes be divvied up. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin'!
April 3, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a sad tale of woe and despair in the land of venture funding. The treasuries be dry, the coffers be empty, and the seas be rough for those seekin' coin for their grand adventures. 'Tis a tough time for us swashbucklers, indeed!
April 3, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr me hearties! American swashbucklers who swapped ships in March be seein' their treasures grow, as companies be offerin' more booty to lure 'em in. Aye, the labor market be overflowin' with jobs, and them brave souls lookin' for work be findin' riches awaitin' 'em.
April 3, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The White House be raisin' a hullabaloo 'bout movin' the U.S.-led group o' weapon deliverin' for Ukraine under the command o' NATO. John Kirby be doubting the notion o' steppin' aside from leadin' the Ramstein Group, a gatherin' o' 50-plus nations plannin' deliveries for Ukraine. 'Tis a grander affair than NATO, includin' nations from far 'n wide, even in the Indo-Pacific! Arrr!
April 3, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, the Israeli scallywags be causin' a ruckus again! They be takin' out seven aid workers in Gaza, makin' ol' President Biden walk the plank with his tricky politics. The World Central Kitchen workers be caught in the crossfire, makin' the progressive Democrats holler for a ceasefire and to cut off the gold flow to Israel. Biden be sailin' through rough waters indeed...arrr!
April 3, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, mateys! Disney be callin' the scallywag investors "disruptive and destructive," while the rebels be callin' Disney "stupid" and mockin' their fancy turnaround as a mere tale! Who be winnin' this battle of wits and wills on the high seas? Yarrr!
April 3, 2024, 8:29 am
Arrr, mateys! Eman Abusaeid be a brave lass, tryin' to protect her wee ones in Gaza from them Israeli scallywags and their bombin'. With bodies bein' unearthed from the ruins, she be doin' her best to keep her young'uns safe from the horrors of war. Aye, 'twas a perilous time indeed!
April 3, 2024, 8:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Hamas-run health ministry be spoutin' off about casualties in Gaza, but their numbers be as reliable as a leaky ship. They lump all the blame on Israel, even when it be their own misfired rockets doin' the damage. Aye, 'tis a bloody mess on the high seas of war!
April 3, 2024, 4:07 am
Arr, me hearties! The land lubbers in four states did cast their votes for their chosen presidential candidates, but 'twas all for show as Biden and Trump already be havin' their nominations in the bag. Aye, 'twas no shocker that they be winnin' in Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, and Wisconsin. Onward to the party conventions we sail!
April 3, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, Donald Trump be takin' a mighty blow in the primary votes! His ship be leakin' with thousands of scallywags refusin' to vote for him. But fear not, for he be still sailin' towards the 2024 election horizon, with all the other scallywags droppin' like flies from the race. Yarrr, dissent be brewin' among moderate Republicans and supporters of rivals like Nikki Haley, but Trump be holdin' strong like a barnacle on a ship's hull!
April 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Wisconsin be makin' their way to the polls to cast their votes in the presidential race of 2024. Biden and Trump be sailin' smooth seas with no challengers in sight. But some scallywags be votin' "uncommitted" or "uninstructed" like a confused parrot! Aye, the political waters be full of surprises.
April 3, 2024, 3:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers from Wisconsin be squawking 'bout their opposition to President Biden's dealings with the Israel-Hamas scuffle! They be tellin' Democrats to mark the "uninstructed delegation" on their ballots. Ye must use yer vote as yer voice, says Heba Mohammad of Listen to Wisconsin. It be a fierce battle on the political seas!
April 2, 2024, 4:10 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The House Republicans be stirrin' up a storm with their inquiries into the Department of Justice's treatment of whistleblowers. They be demandin' answers from the likes of Attorney General Garland and Special Counsel Wiess. 'Tis a tale of intrigue fit for a swashbucklin' adventure on the high seas!
April 2, 2024, 4:08 pm
The scallywag, Donald Trump, set sail for Grand Rapids on Tuesday to parley with lawmen and Republican scallywags. He spun a yarn about the murder of Ruby Garcia by a bilge rat illegal immigrant. Trump boasted of deporting the scallywag before he wriggled back into the land of the free.
April 2, 2024, 4:06 pm
Arrr mateys! The likes of New York City, Denver, and Chicago be in desperate need of bilingual education teachers for the young scallywags of migrants. But beware! Bilingual ed be a treacherous sea, leading many a young lad to a fate of failure and poverty. Give 'em English or walk the plank!
April 2, 2024, 4:04 pm
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dogs be attackin' the good souls of World Central Kitchen in Gaza! This be no jolly jest, but a grim reminder of the dangers faced by those who bring grub to the needy in treacherous lands. Let us raise a toast to these brave souls and hope their voyage continues safely.
April 2, 2024, 11:03 am
"Avast ye scallywags! The Democrats be in a frenzy as their ship, President Biden's chances, be sinkin' fast! They be sendin' off poor Justice Sotomayor like a scurvy dog walkin' the plank. Leftist sea dogs be callin' for her retirement, admittin' defeat before the battle even starts! Arrr!"
April 2, 2024, 11:01 am
Me hearty Jon Stewart be keelhauled by Apple, who be tellin' him not to interview Lina Khan on his podcast. Arrr, they be scurvy dogs! His show be endin' before its time, aye. Apple be walkin' the plank for tryin' to silence the laughter!
April 2, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, no one be pleased with these delivery apps, mateys! Customers be feelin' robbed by all them fees, restaurants be feelin' plundered by the commission taken from 'em, and delivery workers be gettin' a mere pittance for a dangerous job. 'Tis a seafaring scandal, I tell ye!
April 2, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr me mateys! The Dow Jones be fallin' for a second day, scurvy dogs! Wall Street be havin' a lackluster start to the quarter, as bond yields be increasin' and traders be lowerin' their expectations o' the Federal Reserve cuttin' interest rates in June. The 30-stock Dow be droppin' 420 points, or 1.1%! At its lowest point, the benchmark be down more than 500 points. The S&P 500 be slidin' 0.9%, and the Nasdaq Composite be sheddin' 1.2%. 'Tis a rough start to the second quarter for stocks, me hearties!
April 2, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! The scallywags be sayin' President Biden be winnin' the California primary, but there be trouble brewin'. Many a voter be skippin' out on castin' their ballots for the old sea dog. Looks like the winds be changin' for ol' Biden! Aye, the seas be rough ahead for him.
April 2, 2024, 4:23 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in California be walkin' the plank with this new law! Fast-food workers be earnin' a booty of $20 an hour, but only if their ship has 60 or more locations across the seven seas. No need to walk the plank if ye be makin' yer own bread, mateys! Governor Newsom be signin' the decree, makin' a Fast Food Council to set sail on future pay increases. Fair winds and full sails to all!
April 1, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Cardinal Wilton Gregory be giving President Joe Biden a right scolding on Sunday, callin' him a "cafeteria Catholic" for pickin' and choosin' which doctrines to believe in. The president's support for abortion rights and transgender visibility be raisin' some eyebrows in the Church. Biden, the second Catholic president after John F. Kennedy, be pushin' for things like expanded abortion rights and gay marriage that don't sit well with the Church. Cardinal Gregory be...
April 1, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Majority Leader Chuck Schumer be swearin' on Monday that the Senate be weighin' their options after a cursed federal court in Texas be rejectin' guidance against the practice of judge shoppin'. The scallywags be keepin' the odious practice alive, much to our chagrin!
April 1, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr mateys, ye be hearin' that the scallywags at the White House be callin' this squattin' trend a "local issue"! Aye, they be passin' the buck like a hot potato. But fear not, for the local governments be takin' care of these landlubbers! Aye, let's hope they make 'em walk the plank!
April 1, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag in question didst crash his ship into the FBI's gate like a drunken sailor on a bender! Luckily, no harm was done, and the poor soul was handed over to the local constabulary for a proper check-up. Avast, what a tale for the tavern!
April 1, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! OpenAI be claimin' they've got a tool that can make ye sound like a scallywag with just 15 seconds o' yer voice! But they be keepin' it under lock and key, fearin' it'll be used fer mischief in the next election. Beware the Voice Engine, me mateys! Arrr!
April 1, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr mateys, Google be plannin' to scuttle a treasure trove o' data that be reflectin' the web-browsin' histories o' millions o' scallywags. 'Tis part o' a settlement o' a lawsuit that claimed the company be trackin' users without their knowledge. Aye, they be in hot water for their sneaky ways!
April 1, 2024, 11:26 am
Arr mateys, the resurgence of grand power rivalries be makin' nations scurry like scallywags! From Europe to the Far East, the winds of change be blowin' strong. Keep a weather eye on Sweden and Japan, me hearties, as they brace themselves against the likes of Russia and China! Arrr!
April 1, 2024, 11:25 am
Avast ye! Did ye spy the video of a MAGA ship on wheels, sailin' down a treacherous road in Long Island? The truck be draped in fascist flags, but what caught the eye was Joe Biden, tied up like a scallywag! The driver be dreamin' of hog-tyin' that landlubber! Arrr!
March 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr mateys! The scallywags have taken the first piece of the fallen Francis Scott Key Bridge from the Patapsco River to open the Port of Baltimore. They sawed off the steel frame and ferried it on a barge to the Bethlehem Steel Mill. Gov. Wes Moore gave an update during a press.
March 31, 2024, 4:54 am
Arr, Pope Francis be celebratin' Easter Mass with a sea of Catholics at Saint Peter's Square in Vatican City. The old sea dog arrived in his wheeled ship to bless the crowd in the cloudy weather. Mayhaps he be needin' some grog to cure his ailing health. Aye, let's see what blessings he be bestowin' upon the masses.
March 31, 2024, 4:52 am
Avast, me hearties! The Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, be sendin' his loyal aide, Serhiy Shefir, packin' from his post like a scurvy landlubber walkin' the plank! Russia be causin' chaos with new attacks, but Zelenskyy be makin' changes faster than a pirate on the high seas! Arrr!
March 31, 2024, 4:41 am
Arrr mateys, them scallywags be squawking about President Joe Biden's mix-up of Easter Sunday with the Transgender Day of Visibility! 'Twas only a fluke this year, ye see. But those landlubbers be making a fuss over nuthin'! Let's raise a toast to celebrate all genders, savvy?
March 30, 2024, 1:10 pm
Arr matey, the scallywags and landlubbers be chattin' about the young whipper-snappers and their cursed smartphones and social media. The TikTok "ban" be gettin' all the attention, with politicians like Gov. Ron DeSantis makin' it illegal for wee ones to have social media accounts. Blame it on the iPhones, says I!
March 30, 2024, 1:09 pm
Avast ye mateys! The Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis, hath decreed a new law that bans wee ones under 14 from havin' social-media accounts, arrr! No more spyin' on the likes of Facebook or Twitter for the young scallywags! Ye must be a proper pirate before ye can set sail on the digital seas, fair warning!
March 30, 2024, 1:08 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Picture this: a company be churning out a newfangled contraption, not for wee bairns, but for scallywags in their prime. 'Twas a hit amongst the youth, so much so that they be forsaking all social graces to play with it. The cursed thing be none other than the smartphone! Arrr, the tale of...
March 30, 2024, 12:17 pm
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dogs in the Biden crew be sneakily allowin' the transfer of a treasure trove of bombs and fighter jets to Israel, worryin' 'bout a fierce battle in Gaza. The loot be includin' over 1,800 MK84 2,000-pound bombs and 500 MK82 500-pound bombs, aye! Aye, they be preparin' for war on the high seas!
March 30, 2024, 11:30 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The Cap'n Biden hath declared March 31 as Transgender Day o' Visibility. Join us in celebratin' the lives and voices o' all our transgender mates. Aye, 'tis a grand day indeed to be seen and heard!
March 30, 2024, 4:50 am
Avast ye mateys, be ye ready for the long awaited restart of the American nuclear age? The federal government be shelling out $1.5 billion to revive a plant in Michigan. The lunatic greens be ready to storm the White House, but it be happening nonetheless. Aye, the nuclear pirates be back in business! Arrr!
March 30, 2024, 4:49 am
Arrr, mateys! The latest news be sayin' that landlubbers be wantin' the Biden crew to hire more border patrol scallywags and judges to deal with all them migrants at the U.S.-Mexico border. Looks like the majority be in favor of tightenin' security to keep out unwanted visitors. Aye, it be a sticky situation indeed!
March 30, 2024, 4:47 am
Arrr, the foreign minister of Russia be cryin' foul against Armenia, me hearties! Accusin' 'em of twistin' history to end their alliance with Moscow. Armenia be throwin' shade at Russia, sayin' they be freezin' their involvement in the CSTO. Aye, tis' a battle of wits on the high seas!
March 30, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr matey, that scallywag Venezuelan influencer who be tellin' folks to squat in homes be caught by ICE! Leonel Moreno be in the brig o' the feds now, arrr! The seas be rough for this landlubber, caught in Gahanna, Ohio. Ice be chillin' his plans, aye!
March 29, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dog Wes Moore be addin' a DEI consultant to the Maryland Port Commission, and now a ship be crashin' into the bridge! The supply chain be in peril, and the authorities must act swiftly to fix this mess. Karenthia Barber be in charge, let's hope she can save the day! Arrr!
March 29, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags be causin' a ruckus at President Biden's fancy shindig! They be shoutin' curses and accusin' him of makin' a mess of the Israel-Hamas rumble. Looks like ol' Joe might be walkin' the plank come reelection time!
March 29, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys! President Joe Biden be givin' the ol' heave ho to the U.S. Railroad Retirement Board inspector general, Martin Dickman, for makin' the workplace a bit too hostile. Dickman had been sailin' in that position since '94, but now he's walkin' the plank. Avast, the Council of the Inspectors General be investigatin' his scallywag ways since '23. Biden be readin' the report and sayin' "Off with his head!" Aye, the seas be rough for ol' Dickman now.
March 29, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Aye, word has it that the measles be spreadin' like wildfire in Chicago, with 52 confirmed cases now on the loose! 'Tis said that the outbreak be linked to a mighty migrant shelter, where wee ones under 5 be fallin' victim to the cursed disease. Arrr, 'tis a dire situation indeed!
March 29, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, NBC be walkin' the plank for cuttin' ties with Ronna McDaniel, a former Republican bigwig. The scallywags at the network be gettin' an earful from their own crew for droppin' her like a hot potato. Aye, the seas be rough for NBC!
March 29, 2024, 11:33 am
Arr matey, ye best be packin' a lot o' patience if ye be waitin' for an immigration asylum hearin'. According to Syracuse University's TRAC, it be takin' a good 3.9 years! Keep a weather eye on AllSides and Gigafact for more tales of the sea. Aye aye, captain!
March 29, 2024, 11:21 am
Arr mateys! Those tryin' to join the Republican National Committee bein' asked if they believe the election was stolen. 'Tis like a pirate askin' if ye believe in treasure! Aye, a strange test indeed for the scallywags! Arrr!
March 29, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr mateys, ye scallywag Christian Soto be blamin' the grog for his misdeeds in Rockford! Claims the marijuana be tainted with a mysterious elixir. Charged with murder most foul, this scurvy dog be sailin' straight to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, 'twas a bloody tale indeed, like somethin' out of a cursed film.
March 28, 2024, 7:25 pm
Arrr, mateys! These poor souls sailed to the United States in search of a grand adventure, only to find themselves patchin' up holes on a cursed bridge by the light of the moon. Alas, a mighty ship collided with their path, and they met their watery fate in the depths of Baltimore harbor.
March 28, 2024, 7:20 pm
Arrr matey! Them scurvy House Republicans be beggin' President Joe Biden to stand before Congress like a landlubber walkin' the plank! They be tryin' to dig up dirt on the Biden family businesses, but it be soundin' more like a fish tale than a treasure hunt!
March 28, 2024, 7:18 pm
Arrr matey! House Oversight Committee Captain James Comer be summoning President Joe Biden to walk the plank and face questions about his family's shady dealings abroad. Comer be demandin' answers for the $24 million pieces o' eight that have mysteriously disappeared. Aye, the truth be buried deeper than Davy Jones' locker!
March 28, 2024, 7:01 pm
Avast, ye scallywag President Biden! The House Republicans be summoning ye to walk the plank and testify at a hearing about yer shady business dealings. Chairman Comer be callin' ye out for yer tall tales and the White House's shenanigans. Arrr, time to face the music, matey!
March 28, 2024, 5:45 pm
"Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Gov. Glenn Youngkin be playin' a game of cat and mouse with the Democrats, vetoing bills left and right like a true swashbuckler. He be tryin' to sweet talk 'em into supportin' his fancy $2 billion arena project, but it be backfirin' like a cannon with a broken fuse. The political seas be a treacherous place indeed!"
March 28, 2024, 5:19 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywags in South Carolina be keepin' their congressional map for the fall election, as ruled by a panel of federal judges. The Supreme Court be takin' too long to decide if it be unconstitutional. Black voters be needin' a fair shake, arrr!
March 28, 2024, 5:15 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy knaves in the City Council be blamed for the chaos and mayhem on the streets! Assistant Deputy Mayor Louis Molina be cursin' their extremist policies for puttin' the good folk in harm's way. 'Tis a tale of disorder and recidivism run amok in the Big Apple! Arrr!
March 28, 2024, 5:07 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The abortion-rights supporters be raisin' a ruckus 'bout the conservative Supreme Court justices tryin' to bring back an old law to ban abortions across the land. Justice Thomas and Justice Alito be talkin' 'bout that old Comstock Act like it be treasure worth fightin' for in court. Arrr, what a rum deal!
March 28, 2024, 10:47 am
Ere the sun did rise on Tuesday morn, whispers of the Francis Scott Key Bridge's demise spread like wildfire among the landlubbers. Tales of cyber-attacks and vaccinated ship captains abound, with even mentions of the Obamas and Israel being involved! Arr, such nonsense be as empty as a bottle of rum!
March 28, 2024, 8:30 am
Avast ye mateys! Florida be passin' a law to ban minors from social media, makin' lawmakers and Gov. Ron DeSantis shout, "We fight for children!" But beware, legal challenges may scuttle this ship before it sets sail. No sympathy for "Big Tech" walkin' the plank! Arrr!
March 28, 2024, 8:28 am
Avast ye scallywags! Aye, ye young whippersnappers be banned from the world of social-media by the likes of the Florida law! Come Jan. 1, ye under 14 be walkin' the plank if caught tweetin' or postin' on the Book of Faces. Fair warning, ye be sailin' in dangerous waters! Arrr!
March 28, 2024, 8:27 am
Arrr! Gov. Ron DeSantis, aye, he be a champion of “parents’ rights,” or so he claims! But me hearties, the scallywag just signed a bill that be betrayin' those promises! This new law be aimin' to protect young'uns from the dangers of social media, by forbiddin' any wee lads under 14 from havin' accounts. Aye, 'tis a strange way to protect the youth, indeed!
March 27, 2024, 6:13 pm
Arrr, Beijing be cursin' the US and UK for layin' sanctions on 'em for cyberattacks, callin' it political trickery! The scurvy dogs from China be accused o' targetin' American officials and senators. Them hackers be walkin' the plank soon!
March 27, 2024, 6:12 pm
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the U.S. Department of Justice be accusin' seven Chinese landlubbers of hackin' for China's spy agency. These scallywags be targetin' them critters who speak ill of Beijing, as well as politicians and companies in the New World and beyond. The Western governments be on high alert for these Chinese scoundrels tryin' to plunder our critical infrastructures with their cyberattacks. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we be sailin' on, me hearties!
March 27, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr, the British scallywags be accused of bein' a bunch of landlubber cowards in the face of the Communist Chinese threat! They be throwin' mild sanctions like a wee kitten instead of bringin' out the big guns! Ye can't trust a government that can't even stand up to a few pesky hackers!
March 27, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, methinks Captain Biden's plan to send our brave lads to build a pier in Gaza be as muddled as a drunken sailor's chart! Aye, the poor lads be caught betwixt a desire for peace and a need for war. Two months to build a pier? Avast, we'll be lucky if it's done before the rum runs out!
March 27, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrrrr, by the powers of the Left-wing scallywags, a web of sites has sprung up to smuggle untamed foreign abortion powders across the land! No age check, no prescription, and no heed for the laws of the land. Many a site peddles these forbidden wares, not even approved by the FDA! In the red states, like Tennessee and Texas, where abortion be forbidden, all ye need be a boatload of internet access to outwit the law! Aye, a pirate's life for them brave enough to sail these treacherous waters!
March 27, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! South Dakota be makin' history as the first state to clear up the hullabaloo 'bout doctors savin' pregnant lasses in dire need. Gov. Kristi Noem be signin' a bill to protect the health o' the fair maidens and give scallywags a good kick in the pants for spreadin' false tales 'bout emergency abortions. Aye, a victory fer the pro-life crew!
March 27, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Montana Supreme Court hath spoken! They be sayin' them scallywags in the state legislature done messed up with their voting laws! The ruling be clear as the sea on a calm day - them laws be violatin' the right to vote! Cheers to the court for settin' things straight!
March 27, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The land lubbers in Silicon Valley be goin' mad over this artificial-intelligence boom! They be throwin' around gold doubloons like there be no tomorrow to lure in them expert AI scallywags. It be a cutthroat battle between the tech titans and the upstart buccaneers lookin' to plunder their treasure! Aye, 'tis a spectacle worth seein'!
March 27, 2024, 11:24 am
Arr, U.S. business scallywags parleyed with the Chinese President Xi Jinping on Wednesday, as Beijing be lookin' to increase foreign investment in China amidst troubles with the U.S. The likes of Blackstone's Stephen Schwarzman and Qualcomm's Cristiano Amon were among the buccaneers in attendance. The companies be keepin' mum on the matter for now. Aye, earlier...
March 27, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, the demand for mortgages be fallin' like me ship in a storm! These blasted high rates be makin' it hard for us homebuyers to sail into a new abode. The volume of refinances be droppin' faster than a sailor overboard. 'Tis a rough sea we be sailin' on, mateys!
March 27, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at Susquehanna International Group be makin' yer loot by tradin' stocks faster than ye can say "shiver me timbers!" Rumor has it they be backin' old Trump's social-media venture with their riches. Could it be that they be fillin' his treasure chest with gold doubloons? Only time will tell, me hearties!
March 26, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys, BlackRock CEO Larry Fink be sendin' his annual letter to investors, blabberin' 'bout the strain on Social Security. He be talkin' 'bout how the government be takin' yer booty durin' yer workin' years to pay fer them old timers. Aye, aye, the retirement system be needin' a fix before it be goin' belly up! Arrr!
March 26, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs in Israel’s government be throwing shade at the landlubbers in the US! The Biden crew be abstainin' from vetoing a resolution demandin' a cease-fire in Gaza without even carin' 'bout the poor souls held captive by Hamas. Netanyahu be callin' 'em delusional! Aye, what a sorry bunch o' scallywags!
March 26, 2024, 5:37 pm
"Arrr! Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin be vetoing 30 scurvy gun control bills, like a true pirate defendin' his treasure! He be standin' on his perch as a Republican governor, thwartin' them Democrats from takin' the state in a leftward direction. Avast ye mateys, the right to bear arms be safe on me watch!"
March 26, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale of treachery and mutiny on the high seas of NBC News! Ronna McDaniel be walkin' the plank after a fierce crew uprising. The News Group Chair be sendin' her packin' like a scurvy dog, yarrr!
March 26, 2024, 10:51 am
Arrr mateys, in this treacherous sea of trade, the Chinese scallywags be forced to sail their production ships to Mexico to avoid the wrath of Washington. If those landlubbers tighten the grip further, it be the poor Americans who'll feel the pinch in their pockets. Aye, Long Yongtu be speakin' some truth at the Boao Forum.
March 26, 2024, 10:48 am
"Arrr mateys, as I stand afore this tank on the edge of the Gaza Strip, I be tellin' ye all to put aside yer squabblin' and come together like a crew of pirates! We must unite against the scallywags of extremism and find a way to sail forward as one. Aye, be worthy of us, or walk the plank!"
March 26, 2024, 10:40 am
Avast ye mateys! The mighty bridge in Baltimore hath met its fate at the hands of a container ship. Vehicles be plungin' into the Patapsco River, while rescuers be searchin' for lost souls. The Francis Scott Key Bridge be in ruins, thanks to the clumsy Maersk ship. Aye, a state of emergency be declared!
March 26, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr mateys! The monstrous vessel DALI didst ram into the bustling bridge in Baltimore this morn! 'Twas said that this ship hadst afore collided whilst dockin'. The Francis Scott Key Bridge didst crumble under its might, causin' a calamity of epic proportions. DALI be a true troublemaker on the high seas!
March 26, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that Sean “Diddy” Combs was seen struttin' near a Miami port, clutchin' a strange device in one hand and fiddlin' with his other in his pocket, just hours after his hideouts were plundered by the feds. 'Tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker, indeed!
March 26, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr, President Biden be settin' sail fer North Carolina on Tuesday to argue he's brought booty to the South on matters o' jobs, lowerin' costs, an' reproductive rights. His visit comes as the scallywags be focusin' on North Carolina as a battleground state they be tryin' to plunder in 2024. Biden plans to tell how Trump failed the South during his rule, according to a memo from campaign manager Julie Chavez Rodriguez. Aye, our...
March 26, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, mateys! The Francis Scott Key Bridge be no match for the might of a ship's strike! 'Twas a sight to behold as the bridge crumbled into the harbor like a heap of rum-soaked plunder. Avast, ye landlubbers, beware the wrath of the sea!
March 26, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr! Twenty moons hence, the Supreme Court be settin' sail once more on the treacherous waters of abortion policy. Aye, they be weighin' a case that could be sinkin' access to a common pill used in abortion. The FDA be tamperin' with the mifepristone, makin' it easier to obtain. The medical associations be cryin' foul, arguin' the agency be actin' out of line. Aye, it be a storm brewin' on the horizon.
March 25, 2024, 5:29 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Democrat scallywags in the Senate be votin' against a noble amendment from Sen. Bill Hagerty to keep federal funds from flyin' illegal immigrants into the heart o' the United States. Arrr, 'tis a travesty! Let them walk the plank for their treachery!
March 25, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr mateys! The White House be scratchin' their heads o'er why Netanyahu be cancelin' his meetin' in Washington. The U.S. be sayin' they be puzzled by this move after abstainin' from a U.N. vote on Gaza. Biden be wonderin' what be goin' on, but Kirby be keepin' mum on his thoughts. Aye, it be a right ol' mystery, that's for sure!
March 25, 2024, 5:26 pm
Yarrrr mateys! The hideouts of the infamous rapper Sean "Diddy" Combs in Los Angeles and Miami were plundered by the law dogs of Homeland Security! Arrr, they be on a mission to uncover the secrets of this rap scallywag! Aye, we can only wonder what treasures they be seekin'!
March 25, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr mateys! Listen up ye scallywags! Reddit shares be risin' like the tide, up 30% to $59.80! 'Tis a treasure worth plunderin' indeed! The landlubbers be makin' millions from the IPO, but we pirates be settin' sail for even greater riches! Yarr!
March 25, 2024, 11:30 am
Yarr mateys, with Donald J. Trump bein' on the clock to secure a nearly half-billion-dollar bond in his civil fraud case, a New York appeals court be givin' him a lifeline on Monday, settin' a far smaller bond of $175 million. Aye, a victory for the former president indeed!
March 25, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, four years have passed since the cursed Covid lockdown, yet its shadow still looms over us like a ghostly specter. The scallywags in power be quick to bury the memories of their folly, but we mustn't forget the toll it took on our brethren. Aye, we shall not let the legacy of this plague be forgotten!
March 25, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Trump be in a spot o' trouble with the law! The court be demandin' a hefty sum of $175 million from 'im within the next 10 days! Looks like the former President be walkin' the plank of financial ruin, savvy? Aye, 'tis a sight to behold!
March 25, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr mateys! Thar be good news for Cap'n Donald Trump! The scallywags at New York appeals court be givin' him a 10 day break from payin' up his loot for business fraud. They be cuttin' his bond to $175 million, savin' his doubloons from bein' seized by the fierce Attorney General. Aye, the seas be calmer for now!
March 24, 2024, 2:25 pm
Avast ye hearties! 'Tis a dire tale indeed! Over 133 souls sent to Davy Jones' locker, with 145 more wounded at the Crocus City Hall in Moscow. The scallywags responsible for this treachery be on the loose. May Neptune have mercy on their black souls! Arrr!
March 24, 2024, 2:23 pm
Arr matey! There be many a question after a raid as to why it weren't stopped or caught. But the Moscow ambush be causin' some trouble fer ol' Vladimir Putin. Tensions be high 'n mistrust be abounding, all 'cause of a warnin' from the land of Washington. Yarrr!
March 24, 2024, 2:20 pm
Arrr, the scallywags in charge be claimin' 133 souls lost in the attack on the Moscow concert hall. But whispers on the wind say 'tis closer to 140 or more! The injured be fightin' for their lives, so we best be prepared for a higher toll. Aye, 'twas a bloody battle indeed!
March 24, 2024, 8:52 am
Arrr, the scallywag TikTok influencer be under scrutiny by child services after using his wee lass in his schemes to swindle and beg! The rogue dared to suggest seizing unoccupied homes, claiming squatting be the American dream! Aye, he be walkin' the plank soon enough!
March 24, 2024, 8:49 am
Yarrr! With her trusty crew of progressive swashbucklers by her side, House New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez hath unveiled a grand set of reforms in the name of a “Green New Deal” for public housing. Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed, sure to stir up the seas of political discourse!
March 24, 2024, 8:43 am
Arrr! The scoundrel Putin, elected again last weekend, be pointing fingers at Ukraine for the dastardly terror attack on Moscow! He claims four villains, caught near Ukraine, be responsible for the attack on Crocus City Hall. Me thinks he be spinning a yarn longer than his beard!
March 24, 2024, 8:39 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags in the U.S. government be takin' the gold from the United Nations and leavin' the poor Palestinians to starve in the streets. 'Tis a shameful act based on mere whispers from the landlubbers of Israel. 'Tis a sad day for the high seas indeed!
March 23, 2024, 7:33 am
Arrr! The scallywags of Russia's security services have captured four bandits who be responsible for the bloodshed that took the lives of at least 115 souls at a concert hall near Moscow. The leader o' the FSB has informed Cap'n Putin that 11 scurvy dogs be nabbed in connection to the attack, including the four shooters. Aye, justice be served!
March 23, 2024, 7:32 am
Arrgghh! The scallywags of the Russian authorities be claimin' they've caught 11 landlubbers in connection with the attack on a concert hall in Moscow! The death toll be risin' as more details come to light, with 4 of the scoundrels accused of playin' a direct role in the mayhem. The Islamic State be takin' credit for this treacherous deed, may they be walkin' the plank!
March 23, 2024, 7:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Investigative Committee of Russia be sayin' that 115 souls have been sent to Davy Jones' locker after the massacre at Crocus City concert hall! They be warnin' that this number be sailin' higher still! Me thinks we best be keepin' a weather eye on this tragic tale.
March 23, 2024, 5:59 am
Arr mateys, the Senate be passin' a government coin package in the wee hours o' Saturday, preventin' a scallywag shutdown and endin' a lengthy brawl that's been loomin' over both sides o' Capitol Hill for months. Next, the legislation be goin' to President Joe Biden's hands to be signed into law, which he's expected to do on Saturday. This vote be a grand moment on Capitol Hill, bringin' an end to an annual lootin' process that be draggin' on far longer than be usual - an effort that's been...
March 23, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr mateys! The Senate be passin' a mighty controversial six-bill plunderin' package after a wee bit o' government shutdown. Senators be votin' aye on spendin' $1.2 trillion doubloons by a tally o' 74-24. The text o' the bills be revealed just afore dawn, makin' some Republicans hornswoggled. The House be givin' their stamp o' approval on Friday. Arrr!
March 23, 2024, 3:07 am
Arrr! The White House be tryin' to point fingers at the scallywag Republicans for a mishap at the U.S.–Mexico border. Over 100 migrants be tryin' to sneak in, causin' a ruckus with the U.S. National Guard. The New York Post caught it all on video, with men breakin' through the fence like a pack of wild sea beasts!
March 23, 2024, 3:05 am
Arr matey! Yonder Donald Trump be makin' a comeback to th' stock market, lookin' to fill his coffers with a grand bounty. Shareholders o' Digital World Acquisition Corp. have given th' nod to a deal to join forces with Trump's media venture. Soon, Trump Media & Technology Group will be tradin' on th' Nasdaq, with Trump holdin' th' bulk o' th' booty. Arrr, what a tale to be told on th' high seas!
March 23, 2024, 3:03 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags from the Federal investigators be demanding Google to spill the beans on all the landlubbers watchin' certain YouTube videos. The privacy experts be cryin' foul, sayin' it be turnin' innocent viewers into suspects. In a case from Kentucky, them sneaky coppers be tryin' to uncover the mystery of the online...
March 22, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Stellantis be walkin' the plank, lettin' go o' 400 scallywags as they dance the electric vehicle hornpipe. These poor souls be losin' their jobs come March 31, aye, mostly them fancy-pants at the headquarters in Auburn Hills. Shiver me timbers! Stellantis be waitin' to hoist the Jolly Roger on their electric plans, arrr!
March 22, 2024, 5:18 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Tis be the year 2022 and the landlubbers be dropping like flies from bein' o'erdosed on the devil's lettuce! Arrr, a grand total o' 108,000 souls met Davy Jones' locker from the dreaded overdose. The numbers be risin' faster than a squall on the high seas!
March 22, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arr mateys! The Senate's own Chuck Schumer be settin' up a plan to vote on fundin' the government's agencies afore a shutdown be upon us. The House already passed their bills, but we still be in troubled waters. Will we avoid the storm or be caught in the tempest?
March 22, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arr mateys, them U.S. air safety regulators be keepin' a keen eye on United Airlines after a string o' safety mishaps! The scallywags at the Federal Aviation Administration be inspectin' their processes and manuals. Avast ye, United be walkin' the plank if they don't shape up! Aye, Chief Executive be walkin' the plank next!
March 22, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the United Nations Security Council be no match for the mighty powers of Russia and China! Their veto be like a cannonball through the heart of the United States draft resolution. The seas be rough, but the pirates of Gaza continue their plundering without fear of a ceasefire!
March 22, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags from Russia and China be vetoing a resolution against the scoundrels of Hamas! The United States be cryin' foul, but the rest o' the council be like, "Nope, not today!" Shiver me timbers, what a rum deal! Let's all take a moment to ponder this madness, me mateys!
March 22, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags from Russia and China be blockin' the United States' plan for a ceasefire in Gaza! Eleven countries be on board, but those landlubbers be sayin' nay! This be the fourth time we've tried, but the United States be standin' firm, like a ship in a storm!
March 22, 2024, 8:34 am
Arr matey, the scallywag Letitia James be ready to plunder the treasure of former President Trump if he don't cough up $454 million or a bond for the civil fraud judgment she be won. Time be running out for the poor bloke, with Monday bein' the deadline for him to save his loot. Aye, Trump be in a tight spot indeed!
March 21, 2024, 7:39 pm
Arrr matey! Ye see, ol' Chuck Schumer be thinkin' he needed to give a good ol' tongue lashing to that scallywag leader, Benjamin Netanyahu, in order to save Israel. He be keepin' it a secret from everyone, except for a few trusted mates and his missus. Aye, he didn't know if it'd make him a hero or a villain, but decided to go for it in the end. Arrr, what a tale!
March 21, 2024, 7:37 pm
Arr matey! Israeli Cap'n Benjamin Netanyahu parlayed with Senate scallywags for nigh on 45 minutes in a secret videoconference during their weekly feast. He be demandin' the liberty to finish his battle with the scurvy dogs of Hamas. Methinks Schumer be plottin' to oust the Cap'n with a new election! Sen. Ted Cruz be sayin' the Cap'n spoke mighty fine words. Yo ho ho!
March 21, 2024, 7:35 pm
Arrr, me hearties! House Speaker Mike Johnson be settin' his sights on invitin' the great Benjamin Netanyahu to address Congress. Aye, 'tis a grand idea, says he! Let's give the Israeli Prime Minister a proper welcome, says I! Let's see if he be acceptin' the offer, arrr!
March 21, 2024, 7:03 pm
Arrr matey, the New York attorney general be layin' claim to the treasure trove of former President Trump at Seven Springs in Westchester County. Judge Engoron be signin' papers faster than a peg-legged pirate on a treasure hunt. Avast, the plunderin' be just beginnin'!
March 21, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye mateys! The California Gov. Gavin Newsom be throwin' all his political weight behind a measure to combat homelessness on the ballot this month. He be expressin' confidence his proposed solution to one of the state’s most visible and vexing problems would bring people together. Aye, let's see if this be the golden ticket to solve our troubles!
March 21, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr mateys, by the powers of Davy Jones' locker, surgeons be transplantin' kidneys from a modified swine into a livin' soul! Richard Slayman, a scallywag from Weymouth, be the lucky recipient. He be recoverin' well and set to sail from the hospital soon. Aye, hope be restored!
March 21, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr, in the year 1970, a lassie of 16 summers, heavy with child, birthed a wee girl at Grant Hospital. After 54 years, they be meeting again at the same place where they parted ways. The policies o' the time kept them apart, but now they be together at last. Aye, 'twas a long time comin'!
March 21, 2024, 2:55 pm
Arr matey! The scallywags in Congress be scurrying to pass a bill that be preventin' the State Department from flyin' any o' them politically charged flags like the jolly roger o' gay rights! They be limitin' us to only flyin' the official flags o' the U.S. and its states, tribes, and territories. Har har, they be pushin' back on ol' Biden's plans, they be!
March 21, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr mateys! This TikTok scallywag be tellin' his crew how to pillage unoccupied homes in the land o' the free! Arr, this Venezuelan fella be thinkin' he can just waltz in and claim squatter's rights! Ye best beware, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
March 21, 2024, 11:47 am
The scallywag Kyle Rittenhouse, aye, did attempt to gab about his beliefs at the University of Memphis, but was forced to walk the plank by a rowdy crew of protesters. 'Twas a jolly good time for the lads and lasses, I reckon! Arrr!
March 21, 2024, 11:12 am
Avast ye scallywags! The top dogs in Congress have unveiled a monstrous $1.2 trillion spending bill to keep the government afloat. But will they be able to get their act together in time to avoid a shutdown? Only time will tell if they can save their precious Department of Homeland Security from walking the plank! Good luck, ye landlubbers!
March 21, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr mateys! After much dawdlin', them scurvy U.S. congressional leaders finally revealed a mighty $1.2 trillion booty for defense, homeland security, and other fancy programs. The crew only got less than two days to keep the government sails afloat before a shutdown be upon us! The House be votin' on Friday, leavin' the Senate scramblin' to pass the treasure of six bills. Aye, 'tis a fine mess we be in!
March 20, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr mateys! The Biden crew be so busy pillaging and plundering that they forgot to file the proper papers in 200,000 deportation cases! The judges be tossin' them out like old fish. Looks like the Department of Homeland Security be walkin' the plank for this blunder! Arrr!
March 20, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr, the investigations of the USS Boxer reveal three unfortunate engineering mishaps and dubious leadership! The poor ship be stuck in the port of San Diego, yearning to set sail with its fellow vessels. 'Tis a tale of woe and frustration for all involved, by the powers that be!
March 20, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr, the United Steelworkers be standin' by President Joe Biden, like a loyal crew standin' by their captain. Biden be like a sturdy ship in a storm, protectin' us from foreign invaders tryin' to plunder our steel treasures. Aye, we be sailin' towards prosperity under his leadership!
March 20, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr mateys, it be said that Afghanistan be pocketin' more than $2.9 billion in doubloons from the United Nations since them scallywag Taliban took the helm. 'Tis a tale of U.S. gold bein' sailed straight into the hands of the rogue group. Aye, aye, aye!
March 20, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dog Biden be settin' the strictest limits on those foul emissions from land ships! 'Tis a bold move to push for more electric chariots on our fair shores. Avast, me mateys, let's sail towards a greener horizon!
March 20, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr mateys! Captain Donald Trump be in a bind, facing a Monday deadline to cough up a hefty sum o' gold in a scurvy fraud case. But instead o' payin' up like a proper swashbuckler, he be thinkin' o' just sittin' on his hands and doin' nothin'! Aye, he be strugglin' to find the loot from banks and wealthy scallywags, claimin' it be as likely as findin' a pot o' gold at the end o' the rainbow. Will Captain Trump be walkin' the plank with a Chapter 11? Only time will tell, me hearties!
March 20, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr mateys, them Ukrainian scallywags be dodgin' artillery and runnin' fer cover like scared landlubbers! But just when they thought they be safe aboard the armored carrier, a pesky drone be chasin' after 'em! The sergeant Oleksandr be tellin' tales of sparks flyin' and explosions, but by Davy Jones' beard, they be lucky to still be breathin'! Aye, 'twas a wild ride on the high seas of war, me hearties!
March 20, 2024, 10:56 am
"Avast ye scallywags! Donald Trump be cryin' foul play once again, claimin' the next election be even more rigged than the last! 'Too Big to Rig' be his battle cry, spreadin' fear like a scurvy dog on the high seas. Will his crew be fooled again? Arrr!"
March 19, 2024, 6:25 pm
Arrr mateys! The U.S. Indo-Pacific Command be askin' fer a hefty sum o' $11 billion to protect our waters from them scallywags over in China! They be growin' their fleet faster than a barnacle on a ship's hull. We best be prepared for battle on the high seas!
March 19, 2024, 6:23 pm
"Arrr, me hearties! The State Department Deputy Spokesman Vedant Patel be tellin' the scallywags in a briefing that the U.S. be lookin' to 'degrade' those scurvy dogs in Hamas, not 'defeat' them. And the National Security Advisor be sayin' that President Biden be wantin' to 'defeat' those rascals, but not by takin' over Rafah. The President be tellin'..."
March 19, 2024, 6:22 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! The charges against Gold Star father Steve Nikoui must be dropped, says Rep. Darrell Issa. The poor man was only speaking out for his fallen son, may his soul rest in peace. Let him be free to express his grief, arr!
March 19, 2024, 6:20 pm
Arrr! The scallywags on the U.S. Supreme Court be makin' a surprising decision on Tuesday, votin' 6-3 to let Texas' Senate Bill 4 law be put into effect. This gives Texas law enforcement the power to arrest, detain, and remove suspected illegal immigrants. Justice be walkin' the plank, matey!
March 19, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! When Donald Trump spouted, "If I don't get elected, it's going to be a bloodbath," at his rally in Ohio, it be clear as the seas on a calm day that he be speakin' of violence! No honest soul could deny it. Aye, 'tis a call to arms, me hearties!
March 19, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Donald Trump be causing a ruckus with his talk of a "bloodbath" should he lose the 2024 election. Methinks he be just tryin' to scare the landlubbers into voting for him again. But worry not, for the auto industry shall survive, with or without him at the helm! Arrr!
March 19, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, Texas’s scallywag schools be reclaimin' their gold from the grasp of BlackRock, a blaggard firm accused of boycottin' our precious fossil fuels. Me matey, Aaron Kinsey, be makin' the call to pull $8.5 billion from their clutches. The ESG movement be walkin' the plank with their damage to our oil & gas economy!
March 19, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arr, me hearties! Where were ye when ye heard that scurvy dog Trump be bringin' back the chaos of January 6, threatenin' bloodshed from his MAGA crew? Were ye caught sleepin' like a landlubber, or were ye ready to battle, scrollin' through social media like a true warrior, cryin' out in shock, "Arr, this guy be mad as a hornswaggler!"
March 19, 2024, 11:54 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis a sad tale indeed - the majority of landlubbers in America claim they haven't a gold doubloon to spare for a $1,000 surprise. Instead of dipping into their treasure trove, they be resorting to borrowing from scallywags or adding to their debt scroll. Ahoy, we be a nation of spendthrifts, doomed to sail the sea of paycheck to paycheck living. Arrr!
March 19, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys! As America be on the brink o' a grand election, there be talk o' a shadowy government beastie called "the deep state" and "the swamp." What in Davy Jones' locker do these words mean? We set sail to uncover the truth and found out they be just like us - likin' Taylor Swift, dancin' the bachata, and watchin' "Star Trek" before bed. Aye, they be no scallywags, just regular folk!
March 19, 2024, 11:49 am
Arr mateys! President Joe Biden be swearin' to support a booty deal to steer clear of a government shutdown. The scallywags in Congress be workin' all through the night to finish up their spendin' bill. Aye, the House and Senate be scramblin' to put together a final package to keep the government afloat! Arrr!
March 19, 2024, 11:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! Back in the day, a mighty resistance be mounted against Hong Kong's tyrannical laws, but now all be lost as the new legislation be passed faster than a cannonball on a calm sea. The winds of change be blowing, but not in our favor, me hearties!
March 18, 2024, 6:08 pm
Arrr, the land lubbers in the High Court be doubting the plan o' two Republican states to meddle with the Biden crew's dealings with social media scallywags. The justices be questioning their legal blather and tall tales. But it seems they agree that officials can ask private companies to keep their traps shut, as long as no force be involved. Arrr!
March 18, 2024, 6:06 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Supreme Court be havin' a jolly time arguin' o'er the limits of the First Amendment like a bunch of landlubbers! Louisiana and Missouri be raisin' a ruckus against the Biden crew o'er social media posts about COVID-19 and election shenanigans. Shiver me timbers, what a kerfuffle!
March 18, 2024, 6:01 pm
Arrr mateys, them fancy Supreme Court justices be scratchin' their heads over whether us scallywags have the right to speak freely on the high seas of social media. The White House be tryin' to control the tide of information like a bunch of landlubbers! Aye, 'tis a battle of wits indeed.
March 18, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Israeli military be claimin' they've plundered al-Shifa hospital in Gaza City to stop some terrorist shenanigans. They be boastin' 'bout slayin' 20 scallywags, includin' a big shot from Hamas, and roundin' up a bunch o' suspects. The landlubbers at Hamas be cryin' foul, callin' it a war crime. Oh, the drama on the high seas!
March 18, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags of the Israeli military be raidin' the grand Al-Shifa Hospital in Gaza! Gunshots be ringin' out, fires be blazin', and at least 20 souls sent to Davy Jones' locker. They claim to be huntin' for Hamas dogs, but be bringin' harm to innocent civilians instead! Aye, a tragic tale indeed.
March 18, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Israel be launchin' raids on the hospital in Gaza, claimin' they be findin' a terror official hidin' there. Faiq Mabhouh, a scurvy dog of Hamas, be taken out durin' a shoot-out. Arrr, the Israel Defense Forces be takin' no prisoners!
March 18, 2024, 7:59 am
Arrr! Sarah brought tidings today: the scallywag media be goin' mad over Trump's warning of a “bloodbath” this year. At a rally in Ohio, the former captain blabbered 'bout China's trade policy hurtin' American families. The media be twistin' his words like a drunken sailor!
March 17, 2024, 5:52 am
Me hearties, the scallywags be callin' for a rebellion against Putin and his cronies! 'Tis a battle for the ages at the polling stations on Sunday. The election be as rigged as a game of dice on a pirate ship. May the winds of change blow in our favor, mateys!
March 17, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr mateys, the start of Russia's election weekend be a right mess! Protests, battles, cyber attacks - all for Putin to sail smooth into another six-year term. Them Moscow scoundrels be accused of all sorts of tricks to help their captain win. It be a pirate's game of thrones, it be!
March 17, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The Russian officials be as angry as a hornet's nest at them presidential election troublemakers! They be threatenin' to throw 'em in the brig for eight long years for pourin' green ink into the ballot boxes! The protestin' be planned for Sunday, with the exiled leaders cheerin' on from afar. 'Tis a peaceful plan, backed by Navalny afore he met his unfortunate demise in Siberia. At least two more miscreants be caught in the act...yo-ho-ho!
March 17, 2024, 4:55 am
Arrr mateys! Word on the high seas be that Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be lookin' to recruit California lass Nicole Shanahan as his first mate. She be a Democratic donor and former lady of a Google pirate. They be joinin' forces to navigate the treacherous waters of politics, with Shanahan helpin' to fill Kennedy's treasure chest with doubloons for his quest. Yarrr!
March 16, 2024, 7:56 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Google be limitin' its Gemini AI chatbot from speakin' on election matters in lands where votin' be happenin' this year. No info on candidates or politics will be found, mateys! Google be playin' it safe, so ye best be findin' yer political news elsewhere. Arrr!
March 16, 2024, 7:54 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Google be clamping down on its AI chatbot Gemini, keepin' it from spillin' the beans on the global elections ahead. They be walkin' on eggshells to avoid any mishaps with this fancy technology. The seas be rough with fake news, makin' governments take action to keep things in line. Aye, the times be a-changin' indeed!
March 16, 2024, 7:53 am
Arr mateys, Google be tellin' us that their new AI chatbot Gemini be keepin' mum on election matters across the seven seas. They be takin' caution like a swashbuckler avoidin' a storm, not just in the land of the free but all around the globe. Aye, it be a wise move indeed!
March 16, 2024, 6:55 am
Arrr, says the health ministry of Gaza, 20 souls be lost and 155 wounded by the treacherous shelling of the scurvy dogs from Israel. But the IDF be swearin' by Davy Jones' locker that they didn't fire upon the aid convoy. Methinks there be more to this tale than meets the eye!
March 16, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr mateys! When them landlubbers in California were first told of a grand plan for a swift rail between San Francisco and Los Angeles in 2008, they were promised a treasure trove of $33 billion! Now, the scallywag CEO be askin' for another $100 billion! Avast ye, we be sailin' into debt!
March 16, 2024, 5:20 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Treasury be debanking them alleged "hate groups" while the State Department be tightenin' the noose on disfavored tales. The U.S. Agency for International Development be cookin' up a "Disinformation Primer" since late 2020. Shiver me timbers, the plot thickens! Arrrrr!
March 16, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr! Four years after Donald Trump's blunder, the scallywags Democrats and Republicans have joined forces to pass a bill that could send TikTok to Davy Jones' locker! "We stand together in our worry," squawked the spokesmen, "of TikTok's treacherous ways of influencing and dividing American hearts!" Yarrr, beware of ByteDance's data-sharing with the Chinese scallywags!
March 16, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr, ye scurvy Russians be havin' a fit o' rage, like a bunch o' landlubbers! They be causin' chaos at the pollin' stations, tossin' dye into the ballot boxes like they be tryin' to give ol' Putin a taste o' his own medicine. Thar be arrests aplenty, aye!
March 15, 2024, 10:58 am
"Arrr, mateys! Sen. Bernie Sanders be talkin' to Congress this fine mornin' 'bout shortenin' the workweek to 32 hours without cuttin' our booty! 'Tis no newfangled notion, I say! Let's plunder this idea like other lands have done before us, arrr!"
March 15, 2024, 10:38 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Prepare yer sails for a jolly long weekend at Bernie's! The good Senator Sanders be wantin' us to work less for the same plunder. He be preachin' for a 32-hour workweek like a true buccaneer of the seven seas. Arrr, productivity be on the rise, me hearties!
March 15, 2024, 10:33 am
Arr mateys, many a scallywag despises their toil. But who wouldn't want to spend less time on the plank? American workers be toiling longer for the same measly booty. Havin' less free time thanks to unpredictable schedules. It be a sorry state indeed. But lo and behold, yesterday, ol' Bernie Sanders...
March 15, 2024, 8:51 am
Arrr matey, a fortnight past, I received a frantic parley from Jason Cohen, a father in the northern lands of New York. He spoke of his wee bairns being abandoned by the scallywags at J.A.C.E. Daycare. The scurvy dogs be up to no good, leaving parents high and dry with nary a reason in sight. 'Tis a tale of woe and treachery on the high seas of childcare!
March 14, 2024, 9:51 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The constables in Massachusetts have clapped irons on six scallywags from the local school for partakin' in a mock slave auction on the interwebs. Arrr, tis a tale of online bullying that would make Blackbeard himself blush!
March 14, 2024, 9:38 pm
"Arrr, the Senegalese scallywags Ousmane Sonko and Bassirou Diomaye Faye be set free from the brig on Thursday, as reported by the state broadcaster RTS. Parliament passed a pardon law to calm the waters after their failed scheme to delay the election. No further details be known about their whereabouts, mateys."
March 14, 2024, 9:28 pm
Avast ye mateys! Sen. Bernie Sanders be holdin' a hearin' on a bill to plunder the workweek down to four days! 'Tis called the “Thirty-Two Hour Work Week Act,” and 'tis a jolly good idea to give us more time for pillagin' and plunderin' without losin' any of our booty! Aye, let's set sail for a shorter workweek, arrr!
March 14, 2024, 9:06 pm
Arrr mateys! A band of lasses of the athletic persuasion be takin' the NCAA to court for lettin' scallywag men into their lasses-only sports and quarters. Led by the Independent Council on Women's Sports, they be accusin' the NCAA and Georgia Tech of breakin' the laws of Title IX. Oh the scandal!
March 13, 2024, 5:15 pm
"Arr mateys, Don Lemon be cryin' about Elon Musk scuttlin' his show on X. The scallywag Lemon be launchin' 'The Don Lemon Show' on YouTube after gettin' the boot from CNN. Musk be walkin' the plank on their partnership, changin' Lemon's 'relationship' with the tech scallywag and the platform. Avast ye, Musk be a salty sea dog indeed!"
March 13, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr! Don Lemon be talkin' about how he set sail with Elon Musk, but that ship be sinkin' faster than a pirate with a cannonball in his boot! Musk promised him treasure and glory, but all Lemon got was a one-way ticket to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, the sea be a cruel mistress indeed!
March 13, 2024, 5:12 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Don Lemon, the former anchor of CNN, be crying foul as Elon Musk be pulling the plug on their grand partnership! Musk be walkin' the plank on Lemon's new show on X, the social media platform he be ownin'. Ahoy, what a tale of treachery! Aye, the seas be rough and the winds be fickle in the world of showbiz! Lemon be left high and dry after a jolly good chat with Musk, only to find himself marooned without a show to host. Arrr, the drama be better than a barrel of rum!
March 13, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arrr mateys, the Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen be takin' back her words like a scallywag walkin' the plank! She be admittin' she shouldn't have called inflation "transitory." Methinks she be wishin' she could turn back time like a cursed piece o' eight!
March 13, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr mateys! Thar be talk of banishing TikTok from the shores of the United States, aye! This Trumpian folly be gainin' steam, with a bipartisan crew pushin' forward a bill to make ByteDance walk the plank. Will TikTok be forced to walk the plank alongside other large apps? Only time will tell, me hearties!
March 13, 2024, 9:53 am
Arrr mateys, the Georgia judge be like, "Avast ye, these charges be too vague for me likin'." He be tossin' six charges, but the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act still be standin' strong. McAfee's ruling be not tied to his further investigation, savvy?
March 13, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr mateys! The judge be sayin' that some o' the criminal counts against Trump be walkin' the plank! Six o' the charges be lackin' details like a treasure map without an X! Looks like Trump, Meadows, and Giuliani be dodgin' the gallows for now! Aye, the legal waters be murky indeed!
March 13, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr mateys! The judge be sayin' to Donald Trump and his scurvy crew, "Six charges be walkin' the plank! But hold yer horses, we still be discussin' whether to send District Attorney Fani Willis to Davy Jones' locker. McAfee be holdin' court and makin' the law be known!"
March 12, 2024, 8:23 pm
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be settin' sail for a second term as Democratic captain! He be aimin' to right the ship after the storm of the pandemic and the insurrection. With enough booty from Georgia, he be clinchin' the nomination and preparin' to face off with his predecessor once again. Aye, the seas be rough, but Biden be ready to navigate us through.
March 12, 2024, 8:21 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis a fine victory fer President Joe Biden as he be clinchin' the Democratic presidential nomination! 'Tis a race against former President Donald Trump, who be lookin' to secure the Republican nod soon. Biden be gatherin' 2,007 delegates, exceedin' the required 1,968 needed to win. Victory be his in Georgia at 8:15 p.m.!
March 12, 2024, 8:20 pm
Avast ye mateys! Former President Donald Trump be on his way to claimin' the title of GOP's presumptive nominee. He be gatherin' enough delegates to make it so during Tuesday's night primaries. He be settin' sail for Milwaukee in July to officially claim his bounty. Arrr!
March 12, 2024, 4:54 pm
Arr mateys! The NHS hath decreed that lads and lasses seeking ye olde gender clinics in the U.K. shall no longer be given the cursed puberty blockers! Only those brave enough to join clinical trials shall have access to such remedies. Aye, a wise decision indeed!
March 12, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrr! President Joe Biden be caught in a web of lies! 'Tis said he fibbed to special counsel Robert Hur about them classified documents. But fear not, for Hur be claimin' Biden's memory be as leaky as a rusty ol' ship! Looks like Biden be sailin' through these stormy waters with naught but a faulty memory to blame!
March 12, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks these House Republicans be doubting their chances of takin' down President Biden. Aye, 'tis a tough battle with a slim majority and fears of alienatin' the independents. They've made a good case, but the will to impeach be lackin'. Shiver me timbers!
March 12, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arr matey, the woes of Boeing be causin' a ruckus among the grand U.S. airlines! They be trimmin' their sails and holdin' back on recruitin' new crew as they be expectin' fewer Boeing ships to dock at their ports. Southwest be feelin' the pinch, with their shares takin' a dive in the market! Arrrr!
March 12, 2024, 9:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! The price o' gasoline be risin' faster than a sailor up the mast! This be causin' inflation to stay high, makin' it a rough sailin' for us landlubbers. The cost o' fuel and rent be cuttin' into our pockets, while food prices remain as steady as a drunken pirate on deck. The Labor Department be sayin' prices be up 3.2% from last year, aye, even higher than January! What be the core inflation rate, ye ask? Arrr, that be a mystery as deep as Davy Jones' locker!
March 12, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at the Federal Reserve be keepin' a keen eye on the rising inflation in February. They be holdin' off on lowerin' interest rates until at least the summer. The labor department be reportin' a 0.4% increase in the consumer price index, makin' it 3.2% higher than last year. Aye, the numbers be in line with expectations, but slightly ahead of the forecast. Excludin'...
March 12, 2024, 9:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at the Labor Department be spoutin' off about inflation risin' like the tide in February! The cost o' gasoline and rent be causin' a ruckus in the economy, makin' it harder to keep prices in check. Shiver me timbers!
March 12, 2024, 9:22 am
Arrr, ye scallywags Andrew and Tristan Tate be in a right mess! Caught in Romania and bein' dragged back to Britain for some alleged 'sexual aggression'. They be lookin' mighty miserable in their handcuffs, facin' the judge like two scared barnacles. The lasses be standin' up to 'em, demandin' justice for their foul deeds. Ahoy, what a tale to tell in the pirate's tavern!
March 11, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! I be rememberin' from me days in college a wise crack: “Talkin' about religion and politics? Ye end up with politics.” Aye, 'tis true that politics be meddlin' in all aspects o' life. But why not ponder this - if politics be about organizin' society, can ye truly keep yer deepest beliefs from enterin' the fray? Ye be wonderin', indeed! Aye, "..."
March 11, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, ye scoundrels at the Department of Veterans Affairs be actin' like a bunch of hornswogglin' bilge rats! They be creatin' a hostile work environment full of gossipin' and innuendo, coverin' up sexual harassment like a pack of scurvy dogs. It be a right mess, I tell ye!
March 11, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Deadspin, the sporty scribblin' site, be plundered by a European crew and all hands be walkin' the plank on Monday. Aye, Jim Spanfeller, the big boss, sent a scroll to the bewildered crew. 'Tis a sad tale of woe for this sinkin' ship!
March 11, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys, the 401(k) be pullin' double duty as a retirement treasure chest and a stash o' emergency doubloons for many landlubbers. Aye, even Vanguard Group be reportin' a record number o' scallywags takin' early withdrawals. Keep yer hands off yer nest egg, ye scurvy dogs!
March 11, 2024, 9:42 am
Ahoy mateys! The tale of "Oppenheimer," the yarn of Jewish physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer, plundered many a category at Sunday's Oscars. Aye, the Jewish crew be ruling the seas this year! But 'twas Jonathan Glazer who stole the treasure, speaking of the Israel-Hamas squabble in his acceptance speech. Aye, a bold move indeed!
March 11, 2024, 9:39 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scallywag director of a prize-winning flick about the Holocaust tried to belittle Israel at the Oscars. Jonathan Glazer, the swashbuckling scallywag, be tellin' tall tales 'bout Gaza! 'Twas a sight to behold, as he spat venom at Israel whilst clutchin' his shiny trophy. Arrr, what a scallywag!
March 11, 2024, 9:35 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywag Jonathan Glazer didst curse Israel's bombardment of Gaza whilst acceptin' the Academy Award for Best International Film. Aye, he be a rare breed among the award winners who had the guts to speak of the war in Gaza on stage. Aye, he be tellin' us to learn from the past and not be repeatin' the same mistakes. Let us beware the dangers of dehumanization, me hearties! Stand with me as we face the present!
March 11, 2024, 8:53 am
Arrr mateys! Russia be makin' a vast heap o' artillery munitions, leavin' the US and Europe in their wake. Looks like they be plannin' a grand ol' offensive in Ukraine soon! They be churnin' out 250,000 cannonballs a month, while we be left scratchin' our heads. Oh, the woes of bein' outgunned by them scallywags!
March 9, 2024, 2:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The former spy Ray McGovern be talkin' about the reasons behind Victoria Nuland bein' forced to walk the plank from her fancy position in the State Department. Her boss Blinken be makin' the announcement, but why now, ye may ask, when the ship be tryin' to keep sailin' steady? Arrr!
March 9, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a glorious day indeed! Stocks be risin' like the tides, and even this thing called bitcoin be makin' waves. 'Tis all thanks to the whispers of artificial intelligence, hopes of lower interest rates, and the coveted bitcoin ETF approvals. Tech stocks be burnin' bright like a chest of gold, takin' the Nasdaq 100 to new heights and the S&P 500 sailin' past 5,000 for the first time. 'Tis a wild ride, me mateys!
March 9, 2024, 2:42 pm
Arr mateys! The US be joinin' other lands in droppin' aid into Gaza, aye, to help 'em in their plight. But be wary, for the UN and aid groups be doubtin' the effectiveness of these airdrops. On Friday, malfunctionin' parachutes caused quite the stir, arrr!
March 9, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Shai Davidai, a scallywag of a professor at Columbia University, be under scrutiny by the university for speakin' out against antisemitism. He be cryin' foul play, claimin' the investigation be motivated by politics. But beware, me hearties, for the truth be as slippery as a fish on a hook.
March 9, 2024, 3:53 am
Avast ye mateys! The Biden crew be keepin' their program afloat, lettin' in a measly number of landlubbers from four distant lands. Aye, a federal judge be tellin' those scallywag Republican states to walk the plank, for they ain't got a leg to stand on. Into the U.S. they sail, these asylum-seekers from Cuba, Haiti, Nicaragua, and beyond! Arrr!
March 9, 2024, 3:51 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in Texas tried to scupper Biden's plan for them migrants from far-off lands! But the judge be havin' none of it, sayin' they lack the booty to be pursuin' such a lawsuit. Let the parley continue, mateys, and may the winds of justice blow in our favor!
March 9, 2024, 3:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Senate did pass a six-bill package to keep the government afloat 'til September. Aye, they narrowly avoided a shutdown! The crew voted 75 to 22, sendin' the bill to President Biden's desk 'fore midnight. Methinks the Republicans be makin' demands like a bunch of scallywags, slowin' things down. But fear not, for we have good news on the horizon! Biden be expected to sign the bill on Saturday, savin' us all from walkin' the plank.
March 8, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast, me hearties! The cap'n Biden be sayin' that he be weighin' whether to engage in a debate with the scallywag Trump. He be lookin' to see if the bilge rat be actin' like a proper gentleman or a swashbucklin' scoundrel. Let the debate begin, ye landlubbers!
March 8, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, the scallywags at the Pentagon be denyin' the rumors that the U.S. airdrops o' booty over Gaza be causin' harm to the landlubbers below! The aid packages be fallin' like cannonballs, strikin' down poor souls. But the officials be sayin' it be all a load o' bilge!
March 8, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, the heartbroken mother of Georgia nursing student Laken Riley be cursin' President Biden for bunglin' her daughter's name during the State of Union speech - callin' him a pathetic landlubber for the slip. "Biden does not even know me child's name - it be pathetic!" Allyson Philips wrote on Friday, shiver me timbers! 'If ye be goin' to say her name (even when forced to do so) at least say the right name!' she insisted. The...
March 8, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag President Biden be givin' ByteDance a mere six moons to divest itself of TikTok afore his rival Trump be raisin' concerns 'bout bannin' the beloved app! The U.S. House o' Representatives be votin' next week on the crackdown bill, arrr! Aye, 'tis a fine jest indeed!
March 8, 2024, 11:32 am
Arr, President Joe Biden be walkin' on thin ice with his own crew for callin' the killin' of Laken Riley "illegal" during his grand speech. The scallywag Marjorie Taylor Greene be givin' him a piece of her mind as they sparred over immigration reform. Ahoy, what a show!
March 8, 2024, 11:23 am
Arr, 'twas a grand spectacle on Thursday eve as President Biden, the man with the microphone, held court at his State of the Union address. But the lawmakers donned their finest garb, scarves, signs, and badges, to make their political statements known. Aye, the chamber was filled with symbolism aplenty, from Republicans to Democrats, all a-squawkin' 'bout immigration, wars in Ukraine and Gaza, and even that scallywag Donald Trump. Keep a weather eye out for the standouts, me hearties!
March 8, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. Embassy be shoutin' from the rooftops about an "imminent" attack by scurvy extremists in Russia! Watch yer backs, me mateys, or ye might end up walkin' the plank! And beware them sneaky Islamic State villains plottin' in the shadows - they be more treacherous than a sea serpent! Aye, the seas be rough and the waters be murky, but fear not, for we pirates be ready to defend our booty at all costs!
March 8, 2024, 11:15 am
Avast ye mateys, over 400,000 feathered creatures hath been snared and scuppered in Cyprus this past autumn! The scallywags behind this wildlife crime be using decoys and trickery to lure in these fine feathered friends. 'Tis a plunderous tale indeed, arrr!
March 8, 2024, 1:34 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at Aldi be makin' a mighty fine investment of $9 billion to plunder 800 new stores across the U.S.! They be takin' over Winn-Dixie and Harveys Supermarket to fuel their expansion. Brace yourselves, mateys, for Aldi be comin' to a town near ye soon!
March 8, 2024, 1:22 am
Ye scurvy dogs from the Volcano Group be playin' with fire at Tesla's factory, leavin' it in darkness and causin' damages worth a king's ransom! The blazin' mast left 60,000 souls without power, raisin' a pirate's eyebrow on how to guard our treasures from these landlubber troublemakers. Arrr!
March 8, 2024, 1:19 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The former President Trump be disputin' the claims of the current President Biden about Ukraine, NATO, and the Capitol riot. Biden be warnin' of Putin's greed for more land, callin' on Congress to aid Ukraine. Methinks this be a tale fit for a jolly good laugh! Arrr!
March 8, 2024, 1:18 am
Donning a jolly red MAGA hat upon the fine deck of the U.S. House afore President Joe Biden's State of the Union, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia didst cause quite the commotion, breaking the rules of the land lubbers in the process. Methinks she be a pirate of the political seas! Arrr!
March 7, 2024, 5:27 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The United States be in dire need of more power as them data centers and clean-tech factories be multiplyin' like rabbits. The power grid be creakin' like an old ship in a storm. In Georgia, demand be skyrocketin' like a cannonball, and in Arizona Public Service be strugglin' to keep up. Arrrgh!
March 7, 2024, 5:17 pm
Avast ye mateys! A judge in Texas hath given a mighty blow to the Biden crew's discrimination ways! He be sayin' that a business aidin' agency can't be pickin' favorites based on skin color. Arrr, the seas be rough for the President's equity agenda! Judge Pittman be settin' the course for future federal programs, aye!
March 7, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr mateys, it be said that four in ten scallywag Republican voters think abortion should be legal in "all or most cases," as found in a newfangled poll. Among those landlubbers, 52% trust the GOP on the matter, while only 8% trust the Democratic scallywags. Thirty-three percent don't trust either party. In June, the Supreme Court overturned the famous Roe v. Wade case, endin' constitutional protections. Aye, tis a rum affair indeed!
March 7, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr mateys, TikTok hath declared war on the scurvy dogs in Washington! They be sending a message to all ye landlubbers to rally and call Congress to thwart a bill aimed at severing ties with China. It be a bold move, using their massive user base as a mighty weapon against the powers that be. Aye, these tech companies be playin' a dangerous game indeed!
March 7, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, me hearties! The struggles be real for families with wee little ones. From the plunderin' costs of diapers to findin' a trustworthy shipmate to watch the young scallywags, it be a harrowing journey. But fear not, for there be hope on the horizon with a new report showin' common ground among even the most quarrelsome buccaneers. Aye, there be light at the end of the treasure map!
March 7, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Governor Kathy Hochul be sendin' hundreds of National Guard swashbucklers to patrol the subway in New York City! 'Tis been met with much grumbling and grumbling from the landlubbers. Keep a weather eye on yer bags, lest ye be caught in the crossfire of this here skirmish!
March 7, 2024, 10:59 am
Arrr, me hearties! The good Gov. Kathy Hochul be callin' in the state National Guard to help keep the peace in New York City's subways. She be deployin' 750 scurvy dogs to search bags at train stations. Aye, anyone thinkin' of bringin' weapons better think twice, or face the wrath of the Guard! Arrr!
March 7, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, mateys! Donald Trump be warnin' America that his second term be full o' chaos and mayhem! He be snatchin' the Republican nomination from Nikki Haley, settin' the stage for a showdown with Joe Biden. Can ye believe the audacity of this scallywag tryin' to steal the presidency once again?
March 6, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys! California Democrat Katie Porter be takin' a swing at Rep. Adam Schiff and them special interest scallywags after losin' the Senate primary! She be claimin' Schiff's crew spent a fortune spreadin' falsehoods and helpin' the Republican lad Steve Garvey win the race! Aye, 'tis a rough sea we sail upon!
March 6, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A federal judge be givin' the ol' heave-ho to the Minority Business Development Agency, sayin' their favorin' of certain racial groups be as unlawful as a stolen treasure! The MBDA be walkin' the plank for their unconstitutional ways, aye!
March 6, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr! These scurvy columns be doubting Nikki Haley's quest for the presidency last year. But she found a reason, and reminded us that the Republican Party be not just a MAGA gang. She be suspending her campaign after landin' in Davy Jones' locker on Super Tuesday, lastin' longer than Ron DeSantis.
March 6, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Democrat Joe Biden and Republican Donald Trump be fightin' tooth and nail to win over the supporters of Nikki Haley, a crew that could tip the scales in their favor. Haley be playin' hard to get, makin' them scallywags work for her endorsement. Yarrr, it be a fierce battle for the votes in Nevada, North Carolina, and Michigan! Aye, may the best pirate win!
March 6, 2024, 11:58 am
Arrr, me hearties! The 2024 election be shaping up to be a clash o' the titans, with Biden and Trump ready to battle it out once again. But will a third-party scallywag swoop in at the last minute? No Labels be feeling the heat to make a decision. Stay tuned for the next chapter in this political saga, me mateys!
March 6, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, me mateys! The plunderin' and pillagin' in Big Oil be spreadin' to Big Solar now. The solar scallywags be buyin' up projects left and right from their smaller rivals who be too impatient and poor to finish the job. 'Tis a wild ride on the high seas of renewable energy!
March 6, 2024, 11:00 am
Arr mateys, nearly 1,000 scallywags, state constables and MTA coppers be sailin' into the Big Apple's treacherous subway system to check the bags of those rowdy sea dogs! Joinin' forces with the NYPD, we be keepin' a weather eye on the city's busiest transit stations to thwart these vile attacks!"
March 6, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis been brought to me attention that this scallywag, Shane Jones, hath lodged a complaint 'gainst the fine folks at Microsoft and their AI contraption, Copilot! He claims 'tis not safe, fer it be creatin' naughty images 'n such. Shiver me timbers! Aye, 'tis a strange world we sail in, indeed!
March 5, 2024, 7:00 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywag Donald J. Trump be claimin' victory in Virginia, while President Biden be sweepin' the seas in North Carolina and Vermont. Methinks Nikki Haley be winnin' in Washington, D.C. Arrr, 'tis a political battle o' epic proportions!
March 5, 2024, 6:58 pm
Arrr mateys, 'tis a grand day indeed! Super Tuesday be upon us, with battles in 16 states and one territory for the ultimate prize of delegates. Joe Biden be sailing smoothly in North Carolina waters, while Donald Trump be plundering his way to victory in Virginia! Aye, the political seas be churning with excitement!
March 5, 2024, 6:57 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up, for on Tuesday, voters from lands far and wide be makin' their way to the polls in a grand spectacle of democracy. 'Tis a night that be determinin' the fate of many a candidate, with treasures aplenty up for grabs. Ye best believe the stakes be high on this Super Tuesday!
March 5, 2024, 4:06 pm
Arrr mateys, this year's presidential rumble be likened to a Thunderdome! Two scallywags be fightin' for the crown, but only one will be left standin' with his reputation intact. The loser be doomed to walk the plank of history, never to be forgotten. Ye be witnessin' a battle of political personalities, with Joe Biden and his rival returnin' for another round of the election sea shanty.
March 5, 2024, 4:04 pm
Avast ye mateys, Florida’s “Stop WOKE” Act be walkin' the plank after bein' ruled unconstitutional! The scallywags tried to ban mandatory diversity trainin', but the court said nay! Shiver me timbers, the First Amendment speaks louder than any landlubber law! Arrr!
March 5, 2024, 4:01 pm
Arrr mateys, the lass known as Gov. Katie Hobbs hath scuttled the plans o' those scurvy Republicans with her veto o' the Arizona Border Invasion Act. They be cryin' foul, but she be standin' strong against their anti-immigrant ways. Avast, the seas are choppy in the Grand Canyon State!
March 5, 2024, 3:59 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags at the International Criminal Court be issuin' warrants for Russian commanders over war crimes in Ukraine! Sergei Kobylash and Viktor Sokolov be in hot water, along with President Putin and his kin. But Russia be sayin' nay to the ICC - aye, good luck catchin' 'em!
March 5, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, President Joe Biden be settin' sail on a new mission to plunder the seas of unfair corporate pricing! With the help of the Federal Trade Commission and the Department of Justice, he be aimin' to bring justice to the high seas of the economy. Aye, let the battle begin!
March 5, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr! The scallywags at YouTube Music be makin' a fuss, claimin' they've been tossed overboard mid-meetin' by the landlubbers in charge. Jack Benedict pleads his case to the council, only to be cut off by his mate Katie with the news. Aye, the drama be real on the high seas of employment!
March 5, 2024, 11:17 am
Arr mateys! The Chinese Premier Li Qiang hath spoken, stickin' to the same course for China's economic targets. No stimulus for ye scallywags! He be aimin' for 5 per cent growth, same as last year. The National People's Congress be in full swing, hearin' the Premier's words.
March 5, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags on Facebook and Instagram be havin' a grand ol' time gettin' kicked off the ship! DownDetector be hearin' from over 350,000 landlubbers complainin' 'bout Facebook, and 50,000 more bellyachin' 'bout Instagram! The Meta crew be too busy countin' their doubloons to respond! Aye, 'tis a fine mess indeed!
March 5, 2024, 5:47 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been revealed that two o' the three poor souls accused of bein' victims o' sexual assault by the New York Times were not! The spokesperson for the Kibbutz Be’eri be shoutin' from the crow's nest that the Times be talkin' nonsense. Har har!
March 5, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in Joe Biden's crew have been caught red-handed smuggling migrants on secret flights into the good ol' U.S. of A! They be keepin' their lips sealed tighter than a treasure chest, claimin' it's a matter of national security. Looks like they be sailin' in some troubled waters, savvy?
March 5, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The UN crew be claimin' that them hostages in Gaza were treated to a bit o' sexual violence and torture, includin' rape! The scurvy dogs be sayin' the abuse be continuin', and that them Hamas rascals be guilty of gang rape when they attacked Israel. Israel be happy with the UN's findings, callin' out them crimes like true pirates! Arrr, what a world we be livin' in!
March 4, 2024, 9:04 pm
"Arr mateys, Donald Trump be winnin' the North Dakota Republican presidential caucuses on Monday, addin' to his loot of victories headin' into Super Tuesday. The former president be finishin' first, ahead of Nikki Haley. The result puts Trump back on the winnin' track, after a brief interruption by Haley on Sunday. The White House hopefuls now be settin' their sights on..."
March 4, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! Nearly 670 pounds of grub be walkin' the plank 'cause they may be carryin' a deadly allergen. M&P Production be in hot water fer mislabelin' their samsa products with sesame seeds. Aye, me hearties, always check yer labels or ye may be meetin' Davy Jones!
March 4, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arr matey! Democratic scallywag Jamie Raskin be claimin' they be craftin' a law to label former President Trump a rebel! But the high court be sayin' only Congress can enforce such plunder. Aye, the saga of Trump be never-ending!
March 4, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr mateys, the Biden scallywags be sendin' a professional activist on a grand adventure 'round the globe, preachin' about transgenderism and gender ideology, all on the backs of us taxpayers! From Australia to Brazil, this Jessica Stern be sailin' to Pride events as the State Department's Special Envoy for Human Rights of all them LGBTQI folks. She be boastin' she's the highest ranking lesbian lass, and gettin' paid a pretty penny for it too! Aye, what a plunderin' tale this be!
March 4, 2024, 4:48 pm
Arrr mateys! The United Nations scallywags be claiming that there be "reasonable grounds to believe" that the scoundrels from Hamas be committing heinous acts of sexual violence, including rape and gang rape, during their attack on Israel. The team led by U.N. special envoy Pramila Patten be sailin' to gather more information on these despicable deeds. Credible indeed!
March 4, 2024, 10:27 am
Arr, behold the fair city of Port-au-Prince, with its white-washed homes and shimmering bay. But beware, mateys, for ruthless gangs rule these streets, dividing the land into criminal fiefdoms. Tread carefully or ye may find yerself in a spot o' trouble, arrr!
March 4, 2024, 10:24 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Texas writer Steve Baker hath been caught in a pickle, accused of joining a mob's ruckus at the Capitol. Ye better believe he'll be walkin' the plank for his trespassin' and disorderly conduct! Here's hopin' he learns his lesson and keeps his mischief to himself next time! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 9:47 am
Arr mateys! The scurvy hackers have dealt a mighty blow to the health-care system, causing chaos among hospitals, doctor offices, and pharmacies. 'Tis a serious attack on the high seas of U.S. history, leaving many patients adrift without their precious health-care information. Yo ho ho, what a plunder!
March 4, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at the European Commission be givin' Apple a hefty fine of 1.8 billion doubloons for playin' dirty in the music streaming market! They be makin' it hard for other app developers to offer cheaper services to us pirates on iOS. Walk the plank, Apple!
March 4, 2024, 4:56 am
Arr matey! 'Tis said that Hunter Biden be after some gold doubloons from a shady Ukrainian fellow, whilst his old man be in charge of the ship! Aye, 'tis a tale fit for the high seas, with twists and turns like a stormy night at sea! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 4:55 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Vice President Harris be talkin' tough to them landlubbers in Gaza and Hamas! She be demandin' more aid for the poor souls stuck in the besieged strip, tellin' them pirates to agree to a cease-fire or face the wrath of the Biden crew! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 4:50 am
Ye scurvy dogs from Europe and the U.S. be lookin' to snatch up that shiny Middle Eastern aluminium if the European Union be blockin' Russian metal! Prices be risin' faster than a cannonball in 2018 when Rusal got the ol' sanctions! The hunt for aluminium from places like the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain will have Western companies walkin' the plank with inflated costs in transport, packaging, and construction. Avast ye, aluminium be as precious as a treasure chest for these landlubbers! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! The generous souls have gathered over $100,000 doubloons for a scallywag locked up in the US! This bloke, earning a measly 13 cents an hour scrubbing the deck in a California brig, be givin’ his treasure of $17.74 to help out them folks in Gaza. Aye, a true hero indeed! Last moon, a swashbucklin' filmmaker from Los Angeles, Justin Mashouf, shared snaps on the interwebs of this salty dog's time log and a parchment of $17.74 from the California department of... Pirates, unite for a good cause! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 8:32 am
Ye scurvy dogs! Over 100 landlubbers caught in the Jan. 6, 2021, ruckus at the Capitol may be gettin' a second chance at their punishment. The Court of Appeals be overturnin' them there enhancements! Larry R. Brock Jr. be the first to see the light of day. Aye, there be trouble brewin' for former president Donald...arrrr!
March 3, 2024, 8:31 am
Arrr! The court be tellin' the lower court to give Larry Brock a fair shake. They be sayin' his punishment be too harsh for his crimes. Aye, he may have caused a ruckus at the Capitol, but he didn't be interferin' with the administration of justice. Fair winds and following seas, Larry Brock!
March 3, 2024, 8:30 am
Avast ye scallywags! The federal appeals court in Washington be sayin' that some o' them criminal defendants from the Capitol riot got their sentences wrongly bumped up. Larry Brock be gettin' a break cuz his sentence included charges that didn't belong there. Cheers to Judge Millett for settin' things right! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast, me hearties! The scallywag Trump be victorious in the Missouri, Idaho, and Michigan Republican presidential caucuses o'er that landlubber Haley. The Associated Press called his win in Missouri at 12:40 p.m. eastern time, and in Idaho at 6:58 p.m. eastern. The former president be on a roll! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 5:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! The mighty Donald Trump be triumphin' in the Republican caucuses in Michigan, Missouri, and Idaho! His opponents be walkin' the plank, fearin' for their political lives. The seas be rough, but Trump be sailin' smooth towards victory in November! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 5:47 am
Avast ye! Former Cap'n Donald Trump hath plundered the Missouri, Michigan, and Idaho Republican caucuses, snatchin' all the delegates in sight for his crew. Meanwhile, Nikki Haley be searchin' for her first victory like a lost treasure. Trump be rakin' in the doubloons with no sign of stoppin'! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 4:14 am
Arrr! The scallywags at Parents Defending Education be takin' President Biden's Department of Education to court for keepin' secrets about their dealings with left-wing groups on gender matters. They be demandin' the truth, by way of the Freedom of Information Act! Yo ho ho!
March 2, 2024, 3:39 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags be not just battlin' to reveal the meddling of gender ideology activists in their young'uns' schools, but also their sway o'er the government hornswagglers lookin' to change the rules on sex discrimination! The Biden crew be keepin' their messages with these troublemakers under lock and key, no doubt hidin' some mighty fishy business! Arrr!
March 2, 2024, 3:36 am
Arrr mateys, ye hear the news? The governor of Moldova's Gagauzia be seekin' protection from none other than the mighty Vladimir Putin himself! She be accusin' the EU of oppressin' us pro-Kremlin folk. Arrr, 'tis a tale as old as time, me hearties!
March 2, 2024, 3:33 am
Arrr mateys! Elon Musk be settin' sail on a legal battle with those scallywags at OpenAI, claimin' they be forsakin' their mission for gold! Aye, the future of AI be hangin' in the balance as scholars and leaders parley about the fate of these technological treasures.
March 2, 2024, 1:40 am
Arrr mateys, the University of Florida be walkin' the plank on Friday by closin' its diversity department and sendin' all its DEI staff to Davy Jones' locker! They be scrapin' the barnacles off their ship to comply with some fancy regulation from the Florida Board of Governors. Avast ye, the Chief Diversity Officer be walkin' the plank too! 'Tis a mutiny on campus, all thanks to them scallywags in charge!
March 1, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr! Methinks Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez be callin' for a grand investigation into the highest court o' the land! If the Democrats be takin' back control, she be wantin' to plunder the Supreme Court for its lack o' ethics! Aye, the political games be afoot!
March 1, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr mateys, brace yerselves! Thousands o' California landlubbers be walkin' the plank as American National Group be pullin' up anchor and leavin' the state without coverage. They be joinin' the likes o' other scallywags abandonin' ship due to burnin' flames and high HOA booty. Farewell, ye policy holders, may ye find safe harbor elsewhere!
March 1, 2024, 5:55 pm
Avast, me hearties! Aye, at least 112 scallywags met their maker as they scurried about them lorries laden with grub in the wee hours of Thursday. Hundreds descended on the convoy as it made its way northward, with the Israeli navy in tow. 760 souls be wounded, by Davy Jones' locker! A tragic tale indeed! Arrr...
March 1, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arr mateys! Nvidia's treasure be worth over $2 trillion pieces of eight for the first time! Dell's report be like a gust of wind in our sails, sending Wall Street into a frenzy. Nvidia's stock be risin' like the tide after Dell's forecast. Dell's shares be flyin' high like a parrot on rum!
March 1, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Them do-gooders and government scallywags be tryin' to deliver aid to Gaza, but them sneaky Israelis be blockin' their path like a landlubber in a storm! Disease and near-famine be runnin' wild in the besieged enclave, but them Israeli agency be throwin' up obstacles like a barnacle-covered ship! Aye, 'tis a right mess, says them humanitarian and government rats interviewed by CNN. Yarrr, it be like tryin' to navigate through a sea of contradictions and arbitrary rules! Aye, a pox on their houses, says I!
March 1, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the House be in a tizzy over Speaker Mike Johnson passin' another "clean" fundin' bill to avoid a shutdown. The swamp be swampin', the gold be flowin', and we be too afraid to wield our power! A weaker America awaits, me hearties!
March 1, 2024, 11:16 am
Arr matey, the judge in the Georgia election meddling trial be hearing final legal arguments this Friday on whether the lass Fani Willis should be removed from prosecuting for cozying up to another prosecutor on the case. The scallywags be claimin' her romantic tryst be causin' a...
March 1, 2024, 11:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a tale of treachery and political squabbles in the Michigan Republican Party! Two factions, led by Trump supporters, be at odds over who should be the state chair. Accusations of mismanagement and bankruptcy be flyin' like cannonballs! Aye, the political seas be rough indeed! Arrr!
March 1, 2024, 2:33 am
Avast ye mateys! President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump be sailin' to the southern border on Thursday, but the scallywags be hearin' different tales of the immigration woes. Brownsville and Eagle Pass be in fer a show as these two buccaneers be fightin' over who be the true hero of the land! Arrrgh!
February 29, 2024, 8:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Senate hath passed a measly short-term spending bill that be pushin' the threat of shutdown to a later date. Congress be scratchin' their heads on how to keep the government afloat for the rest o' the year. Aye, 'tis a tangled web they be weavin'!
February 29, 2024, 8:18 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks that scallywag Mitch McConnell be spillin' the beans to his mateys. The Democrats despise him for the court, and the Republicans be hatin' him for Trump. 'Tis a tough spot he be in, but at least he be makin' some sense of it all. Aye, he be a true sea dog in a sea of political chaos!
February 29, 2024, 8:14 pm
Arrr, mateys! The CEO Robert Jones be spillin' the beans on the popularity of Christian nationalism in Republican territories. When the Supreme Court be overturnin' Roe v. Wade, ye know the evangelical extremists be celebratin' like they found buried treasure! Aye, it be a wild ride on this ship of state, me hearties!
February 29, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr matey! The ship's doctor be sayin' that Cap'n Biden be fit as a fiddle and ready for battle! No scurvy or ailment be holdin' him back, just a touch o' arthritis in his ol' hip. Aye, the Cap'n be sailin' smooth seas for now.
February 29, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr mateys, Joe Biden's ship's healer be sayin' he be fit for plunderin' and no new worries have been spied after his annual check-up. The old sea dog be carryin' out all his duties with no need for a parrot on his shoulder. "All's shipshape," says the captain himself.
February 29, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, Rep. Ronny Jackson (R-TX) be talkin' like a scallywag about President Joe Biden's physical! He be callin' it a "complete joke" and sayin' it be missin' part of the neurological exam. Jackson be sayin' the whole report be ridiculous and nothin' but the White House tryin' to cover their tracks! He even be givin' White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre a good tongue-lashin'!
February 29, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden crew be on a quest to uncover the treacherous ways of them Chinese smart cars, tryin' to spy on us unsuspectin' American drivers! Time to hoist the sails and set course for regulatin' these technology scallywags before they plunder our personal information! Aye, China be plottin' to rule the high seas of the auto market with their unfair practices!
February 29, 2024, 3:19 am
Arrr mateys, those scallywags in Transnistria be cryin' to Putin for protection from Moldova's government! They be sailin' in murky waters, askin' fer the Kremlin's help to keep 'em safe from the EU's grasp. Ye best believe they be walkin' the plank if they ain't careful!
February 29, 2024, 3:16 am
Yarrr, the Google scallywag Sundar Pichai be talkin' 'bout upset over AI chatbot Gemini's political skew. "I apologize for the app's offensiveness and bias," says he. But we been seein' Google's bias since 2017, mateys! Time to walk the plank, Pichai! Arrr!
February 28, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, when a scallywag in a middle school from one of America's vastest school districts be seekin' a medical gender transformation, the administrators knew just where to send 'em. Aye, they had formed an alliance with the biggest transgender youth clinic in the land just a moon ago. Emails be flyin' as the Los Angeles Unified School District sprang into action!
February 28, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in Michigan be tellin' President Biden to "Listen to Michigan" in a grand protest vote! But even after speakin' with Arab and Muslim leaders, the president's crew be ignorin' the Democrats who be markin' themselves as "uncommitted" in opposition to his handling of the Israel-Hamas scuffle. Aye, the question be asked...
February 28, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arr mateys! The scallywags in New York's Democratic-controlled ship of legislators have passed a new map for the Congress after scuppering a less favorable one. The Independent Redistricting Commission's plan was thrown overboard on Monday, but the crafty Democrats have cooked up a new scheme to gain more treasure in November. Governor Hochul be likely to hoist the Jolly Roger on this new map soon! Arrr!
February 28, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The mayor of New York City, Eric Adams, be wantin' to change the sanctuary laws to hand over scallywags suspected of major crimes to the federal immigration officials. Them Republicans be cheerin' like they found a chest of gold doubloons. Avast! It be a pirate's life in the Big Apple!
February 28, 2024, 10:33 am
Avast ye, me hearties! President Biden and former president Donald Trump be victorious in the primaries, but trouble be brewin' for both. The campaigns be in hot water with their own crews, but still be sailin' towards their nominations. Trump even be beatin' Nikki Haley by a wide margin, arrr!
February 28, 2024, 10:31 am
Avast ye scallywags! Bitcoin be on a mighty surge, surpassin' $60,000 doubloons fer the first time since November 2021. The flagship cryptocurrency be sailin' high at $61,064.20, a rise of 7%. It be aimin' fer the stars at $61,359.00, inchin' closer to its all-time high of $68,982.20. The market be abuzz with excitement, set on breakin' that record. Bitcoin be showin' no signs of slowin' down, with a 20% rise this week alone. Aye, the seas be rough but the treasure be plentiful! Arrrr!
February 28, 2024, 10:28 am
Avast ye scallywags! Franklin Graham be preachin' in Eagle Pass on Wednesday night, part of his grand evangelistic tour along the southern border. He swears he ain't talkin' politics, just sharin' the Good News with folks in need. It be a crisis, mateys, and it be growin'! Arrr!
February 28, 2024, 10:00 am
Arr, Justice Kavanaugh be warnin' us landlubbers about bein' prosecuted without even knowin' 'bout the ban! Be aware, me hearties, lest ye find yerself walkin' the plank without even realizin' it! Ye best keep a weather eye on them legal proclamations, or ye may find yerself in Davy Jones' locker afore ye know it!
February 28, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis said that 280 million landlubbers rely on Google News, but methinks they be gettin' their news from a bunch o' biased bilge rats! AllSides Media be findin' that left-leaning scallywags be dominatin' the seas, while right-leaning scallywags be scarce as a pirate's treasure! Arrr!
February 27, 2024, 8:58 pm
February 27, 2024, 8:56 pm
Arrr mateys! Despite the scallywags tryin' to stir up trouble, President Joe Biden be walkin' the plank to victory in the Michigan Democratic primary! Aye, 'tis a wild ride in the swing state, with rumblings from the Muslim crew over his support for Israel. But fear not, for ol' Biden be sailin' on smoothly! Arrr!
February 27, 2024, 8:55 pm
Avast ye mateys! Former President Trump be triumphin' in the Michigan Republican Primary, claimin' more delegates and inchin' closer to securin' the GOP nomination. The press be projectin' his win as soon as the polls be closin'. Trump be dominatin' all the primaries and caucuses like a true sea dog. Arrr!
February 27, 2024, 5:03 am
Arrr, ye scallywag Smirnov be walkin' the plank to the brig fer makin' false accusations 'bout the Bidens takin' bribes! Judge Otis Wright be givin' him a taste of the salty sea air while awaitin' trial. The only thing Smirnov be collectin' is a heap of trouble!
February 27, 2024, 5:01 am
Arrr mateys! About 50 scallywags were thrown in the brig at NBC headquarters in New York City for raisin' a ruckus against President Biden's appearance on “Late Night with Seth Meyers,” as told by the protest group Jewish Voice for Peace. The group's crew took over 30 Rockefeller Center, demandin' a cease fire with signs blazin' “cease fire now” and “Jews to Biden: Stop Arming..." Avast ye, them landlubbers be makin' waves!
February 27, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr mateys, this scallywag from Houston eavesdropped on his wench's work-from-home chatter and used it to plunder over $1.7 million in a sneaky insider trading scheme. The scoundrel pleaded guilty to securities fraud and be forced to forfeit his ill-gotten gains. Justice be served, says I!
February 26, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said the scurvy Biden crew snuck a Democrat spy into Fulton County to take aim at Cap'n Trump. If true, 'tis a scandalous interference in the 2024 election! The swashbucklin' scallywags at Breitbart keep their sources' identities under lock 'n key. Aye, the plot thickens!
February 25, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! This wench Nikki Haley be a true South Carolinian through and through, never lost a battle on her home turf. But alas, in the upcoming presidential primary, she be facing a fierce storm of opposition from the four corners of the state. Yarrr, 'tis a tricky situation, indeed!
February 25, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr mateys, with the Republican primary in South Carolina on Saturday, all be watchin' former governor Nikki Haley as she battles her former matey Donald Trump. Despite losin' in her own territory, Haley be swearin' to keep fightin' on. Onward to the political seas, we go!
February 25, 2024, 4:51 am
Arr, me hearties! The gathering at the Conservative Political Action Conference be teemin' with guests from lands far and wide, includin' two presidents and a former prime minister! Nigel Farage, a true veteran of CPACS, be gettin' a grand reception and be the life of the party. "We need strong leaders," he bellows, "we..." Aye, the seas be rough, but with leaders like Farage, we be sailin' smooth!
February 25, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that the rice we scallywags be sendin' to Haiti be tainted with deadly poisons! Aye, the scurvy University of Michigan has found arsenic and cadmium in the grub we be sellin'. 'Tis a treacherous deed, feedin' our foes such foul fare. Beware, ye landlubbers!
February 24, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, the House Judiciary Committee be sendin' a missive to CBS News, demandin' records 'bout the unfair dismissal o' journalist Catherine Herridge. Accusations be flyin' 'bout her belongings bein' seized like a ship in a storm. The committee be wantin' a proper briefing from CBS News President Ingrid Ciprian-Matthews. Aye, it be a scandal o' grand proportions!
February 23, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arr matey, there be no rumbling of a pro-life crusade against the curious concoction of in vitro fertilization! IVF has always had its doubters amongst the pro-life crew, but even they be too busy swabbing the decks to take up arms against it. Aye, let us sail on without a care for this recent legal squabble in Alabama! Arrrr!
February 23, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Sen. J.D. Vance be shoutin' from the crow's nest about breakin' up Google, callin' them a "progressive technology company" with a grip on information tighter than a kraken's tentacle! It be time to hoist the Jolly Roger and plunder their digital treasure! Aye, it be a battle worth fightin'!
February 23, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr mateys! Google be in hot water o'er its AI product's discrimination. The scallywags at The Daily Wire found emails showin' anti-Semitic incidents on their ship, includin' "kill all jews" on the head, and a Jewish crew member bein' attacked by anti-Israel landlubbers. Shiver me timbers!
February 23, 2024, 5:01 pm
Arrr! The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, be caught off guard by Armenia's decision to suspend its membership in the Collective Security Treaty Organization! Aye, the Armenian Prime Minister, Nikol Pashinyan, be makin' waves by leavin' this crucial military alliance for Moscow. Putin be feelin' the sting of betrayal, me hearties! Arrr!
February 23, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! Those scallywags in the House o' Republicans be talkin' a big game about puttin' an end to them end-o'-year spendin' bills, but they be stuck like barnacles on a ship's hull. Three stopgap bills later and they still be squabblin' like a bunch o' landlubbers. Aye, it be lookin' like passin' all 12 o' them annual spendin' bills be as likely as findin' buried treasure without a map. House Speaker Mike Johnson and his crew o' archconservatives be sailin' in circles, me thinks! Arrr, time to walk the plank, mates!
February 23, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Congress be sailin' towards a pair of government fundin' deadlines, with just a week left 'til a potential partial shutdown. The scallywags be at an impasse, no clear plan in sight! On Friday, the government be preparin' for a shutdown, releasin' guidance to the agencies. Aye, the seas be choppy ahead!
February 23, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags in charge be scramblin' to make a deal on government loot before the deadline is upon us. Congress be returnin' next week facin' deadlines like a pirate facin' a hungry kraken. Time be runnin' out faster than a sailor huntin' for buried treasure. Let's hope they can navigate these treacherous waters, arrr!
February 23, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! House Republicans and GOP scallywags be havin' a quarrel with the Alabama Supreme Court over frozen embryos bein' labeled as wee children. This ruling be causin' in vitro fertilization to come to a screechin' halt. Could this be the end of the line for these landlubbers in the upcoming election? Only time will tell, me buckos!
February 22, 2024, 6:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Alabama Supreme Court be grantin' legal personhood to frozen embryos! This decision be causin' a great kerfuffle amongst the conservatives, makin' it harder for them to win over the suburban lasses and others who be wary of abortion bans. 'Tis a sticky wicket indeed, me mateys!
February 22, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr, them scallywag Republicans be raisin' doubts o'er the Alabama Supreme Court's ruling o' last week! Democrats be blamin' the overturnin' o' Roe v. Wade on the right, makin' it hard for the GOP to navigate the treacherous waters o' reproductive healthcare. The ruling be causin' chaos in medical clinics, with IVF treatments on hold. Oh, the plunderin' and pillagin' that be happenin'!
February 22, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags known as Republicans be in a right pickle over this new abortion hoopla! Now they be dealin' with frozen embryos bein' called children in Alabama! Shiver me timbers, what a mess they be in for the 2024 election!
February 22, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr mateys, it be told that near half of the scallywags with college degrees be findin' themselves in jobs that don't require their fancy parchment. This study, tracking the paths of over 10 million landlubbers, shows that 52% be wastin' away their skills and credentials on the high seas of underemployment. Aye, a cruel fate indeed for these poor souls!
February 20, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr matey! Nearly 7.3 million scurvy dogs have crossed the southwest border under President Biden's watch! That be more than the population of 36 individual states! If this trend continues, come fiscal year 2024 we'll have more stowaways than a ship full of rum! Aye, ye better batten down the hatches!
February 20, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe the nonsense forced upon us criminal investigators by the scurvy IRS! They be preachin' about diversity, equity, and includin' all while pushin' the death of whiteness! Aye, 'tis a load of bilge water from a transgender professor! A pox on their house!
February 20, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, be it a crime to plunder knowledge from a copyrighted tome? What if ye be tellin' yer matey the tale or scribblin' it on the digital seas? 'Tis legal for a person, but what say ye when 'tis a fancy AI? Sarah Silverman be raisin' the Jolly Roger against OpenAI for sailin' in these murky waters.
February 20, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Ye scurvy dogs best be listenin' up! The U.S. be plannin' to strike a blow against Russia fer the fall o' Navalny and the Ukraine scuffle! Biden be keepin' mum on the details, but best believe the sanctions be aimed at their defenses and treasures! Aye, watch yer backs, Russia!
February 19, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be hearin' that the U.S. President Biden be takin' it easy on cuttin' the emissions from tailpipes and pushin' electric vehicles like a savvy sailor! Aye, the seas be turnin' greener, me hearties!
February 19, 2024, 11:05 am
Avast ye scallywags! China be overrun with portly landlubbers, seekin' potions to shed their excess ballast. A treacherous market of smugglers and buyers be thrivin', sneakin' 'round the laws to get their hands on Ozempic. 'Tis meant for the sugar sickness, but bein' hailed as a miracle weight-loss elixir! Arrr!
February 19, 2024, 11:01 am
Arr, me hearties! The scallywag John Oliver be offerin' a grand sum o' $1m yearly and a $2m tour bus to old Clarence Thomas if he be givin' up his post on the US supreme court. Aye, 'twas a bold move made on Sunday's episode o' Last Week Tonight. Will the judge take the booty or walk the plank?
February 19, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! Amazon.com be joinin' forces with Elon Musk's SpaceX and Trader Joe's in protestin' the NLRB's enforcement proceedings! They be claimin' 'tis unconstitutional, denyin' their right to a jury trial! The company be shoutin' for justice and fair play on the seven seas!
February 18, 2024, 6:10 pm
Avast, me hearties! On Thursday, the Biden crew be announcin' a grand plan to forgive the debts of landlubbers who be strugglin' to pay their student loans, callin' it "hardship." If ye be showin' yer total debt be too much for yer measly income and ye be payin' too much for healin' or younglings, ye might just be seein' some o' yer debts disappearin'. Aye, 'tis a grand plan, indeed!
February 18, 2024, 6:08 pm
Avast ye scallywags! What befall when ye dreams of riches clash with cruel reality? Jane Austen's tale of Sense and Sensibility be tellin' the tale of two lasses: the level-headed Elinor Dashwood and her fiery sister Marianne. 'Tis a battle betwixt sense and passion, good manners and lust, the noggin' versus the heart (or the hormones). Arrr, more recently, a duo...
February 18, 2024, 6:05 pm
Arrr mateys, Rep. Rashida Tlaib be tellin' dem Democrats in Dearborn to vote against Cap'n Joe Biden! "If ye want us to be louder, then come hither and vote uncommitted," she says. Join the scallywags in Michigan and vote "uncommitted" on Feb. 27, savvy? Arrr!
February 18, 2024, 9:56 am
Avast ye scallywags! The mighty tech companies be banding together to fight the treacherous use of artificial intelligence in the upcoming elections! Arrr! Google, Meta, Amazon, and Adobe be joinin' forces to sniff out them AI-generated lies. Let's sail forth and protect the digital seas from deception!
February 18, 2024, 9:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! A band of 20 tech scallywags be joinin' forces to battle the deceptive AI content tryin' to mess with elections 'round the world this year. The fears be real, mateys, as this newfangled technology be creatin' all sorts o' mischief. Keep a weather eye out, me buckos!
February 18, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The scallywags at the White House be pressurin' us tech companies to swab the deck of them cursed deepfakes! The likes o' Google, Meta, and TikTok be joinin' forces to sniff out and debunk these election shenanigans. Let's show 'em we mean business, arrr!
February 18, 2024, 8:31 am
Avast ye mateys! The library be closed! Aye, 'tis true - no more plunderin' of books be allowed. The scallywags and ruffians have run amok, engagin' in debauchery and mischief. But fear not, for the library be workin' to set things right. Batten down the hatches and stay tuned for updates, ye landlubbers! Arrr!
February 17, 2024, 9:06 am
Arr matey, Ukraine be fleein' from Avdiivka like scurvy dogs abandonin' ship! The Russian scallywags be givin' 'em a right good thrashin'. General Syrsky be sayin' it be too risky to stay, so they be scarperin' to find a safer spot. On to the next battle, me hearties!
February 17, 2024, 9:04 am
Yarrr mateys, them Ukrainian scallywags be retreating from Avdiivka like rats fleein' a sinking ship! 'Tis a pity they be runnin' low on ammunition, but fear not, for help be on the way...eventually. Let's hope they be holdin' out long enough for that aid to come sailin' in! Arrr!
February 17, 2024, 9:01 am
Arr, me hearties! The Ukrainian scallywags be retreating from Avdiivka, leavin' the town ripe for the Russian buccaneers to swoop in! With their cannons runnin' low on shot and powder, they be prayin' for American reinforcements to come through. Let's hope they don't end up walkin' the plank!
February 17, 2024, 8:13 am
Arrr, hear ye, hear ye! 'Tis reported by the ABC that two scallywag youngsters have been accused in connection with the chaos at the Kansas City Chiefs' Super Bowl celebration! One poor soul be lost, and 22 be wounded. The scoundrels be held in the Juvenile Detention Center, facing charges of gun-wielding and resisting capture. More charges be on the horizon, mark my words!
February 17, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr mateys, a bunch o' scallywags in the House be tryin' t' get the ol' military aid ship back on course for Israel, Ukraine, an' Taiwan. They be throwin' in Trump's border security ideas for good measure. But them landlubbers in the Senate be blockin' their path, leavin' the fate of aid for Ukraine in a perilous state. Aye, the struggle be real in Congress, me hearties!
February 17, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr! Ye scallywags won't be seein' them scandalous messages 'bout when Georgia District Attorney Fani Willis started her dalliance with Nathan Wade in court. Judge McAfee be sayin' they can't be used as evidence in the Trump fraud case. 'Tis a blow to the former president's cause, mateys!
February 17, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr mateys, listen well! The Arizona House Rules Committee be chattin' about a law to keep cities from skimpin' on their pirate protectors. Rep. David Marshall be the scallywag behind this House Bill 2120, already passin' ye House committee in a close vote. So beware, no cuttin' corners on the booty for yer local police!
February 17, 2024, 5:15 am
Arr, me hearties! The Ukrainian President be offerin' to take that scallywag Trump to see the damage done by the Russian invasion! Will the landlubber have the courage to face the front lines, or will he be too chicken to accept the challenge? Only time will tell, mateys!
February 16, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arr, me hearties! The likes of President Biden be shiverin' in their boots, fearin' a victorious return of Donald Trump. They be plannin' to install "roadblocks" to hinder his power to dismiss many a government worker. The Associated Press claims a crew o' left-leaning experts be advisin' Biden to brace himself fer another Trump reign in 2025. Blimey!
February 16, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up, ye scurvy dogs! Them Americans bein' exposed to a foul chemical in their oat-based grub, like Cheerios and Quaker Oats, savvy? A new study says it can bring harm to their babymakers and wee ones. The Environmental Working Group (EWG) found that 80% of them landlubbers tested positive for a dangerous substance called chlormequat, aye! It be linked to troubles in fertility, tiny folks' growth, and even the bloom of youth bein' delayed. This chlormequat, aye, be a nasty "agricultural chemical" used to mess with a plant's growth, so beware, ye landlubbers!
February 16, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arr, the grand efforts of the Republican scallywags to impeach President Joe Biden be a-splinterin' to pieces! Forsooth, the indictment of a vital witness in the House Oversight Committee's investigation, led by the honorable James Comer, be causin' quite the stir. The Democrats be hurlin' fierce criticism at Comer, demandin' an end to this impeachment folly. 'Tis all due to the charges brought forth by Special Counsel David Weiss against a certain Alexander Smirnov, a miscreant of 43 years, who be accused of tellin' falsehoods and creatin' counterfeit records regarding the business affairs of our dear Joe Biden... Arr, the plot thickens!
February 16, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arr, mateys! The cursed National Association of Realtors found themselves in Davy Jones' locker when a jury in Kansas City bequeathed them a staggering $1.8 billion, reckonin' they be inflatin' home-sales fees. But the tale don't end there, me hearties! Them scallywags face a whole crew of copycat lawsuits and the wrath of federal regulators be upon 'em. Aye, the winds be rough for this brokerage...
February 16, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a sad tale we tell. That rascal Russian rebel, Alexey Navalny, hath met his fate. Collapsed and unconscious he became in a frigid penal colony, far beyond the Arctic Circle. The prison service be claimin' he be dead. Arrr, 'tis a sorry end indeed!
February 16, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, word be spreadin' that one o' the landlubbers held in custody after the Kansas City Chiefs' celebratory shootin' has been set free. Aye, 'twas a wee scallywag, but the coppers reckon they be not involved in the gruesome affair. Two more young'uns still be locked away, though.
February 16, 2024, 11:21 am
Avast ye hearties! A thunderous report be tellin' us that them scurvy dogs of the plastics industry have been spoutin' lies for eons 'bout recyclin' plastic! They be pushin' reuse like a slick-tongued snake, while knowin' full well that recyclin' be near impossible. Aye, they be pilin' up the plastic waste, makin' the world walk the plank! The Center for Climate Integrity be sayin', "Arrr, they be sellin' plastic recyclin' to the American public, just to sell more plastic!"
February 16, 2024, 11:07 am
Arr, hear ye! Sen. Joe Manchin of the land o' West Virginia, be makin' it known today that he won't be settin' sail on a presidential voyage. No third-party adventure for him, me hearties! He made his declaration whilst speakin' at West Virginia University.
February 15, 2024, 7:24 pm
Avast, me hearties! Cap'n Vladimir Putin be speakin' of his preference fer Cap'n Joe Biden to keep the helm o' the United States ship for a second voyage. He be reckonin' Biden be havin' more savvy 'n be easier to reckon with than ol' Cap'n Donald Trump, despite their differences in policy. Arrr, 'tis rare praise indeed from the Cap'n!"
February 15, 2024, 7:20 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be claimin' that 'twas a "compliment" when ol' Vladimir Putin said he'd rather see me rival, Cap'n Joe Biden, win in November. Whilst speakin' to me loyal crew in North Charleston, South Carolina, the Cap'n boasted 'bout accomplishin' "amazing" feats if he be winnin' again, like settlin' the scuffle betwixt Russia and Ukraine in a blink o' an eye. "President Putin of Russia has just..."
February 15, 2024, 7:19 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The Russian Cap'n, Vladimir Putin, be makin' a curious choice fer the next US presidential election. He be claimin' he'd rather sail with the likes of "predictable" Joe Biden than the scallywag Donald Trump, who's been showerin' Putin with compliments. Arrr, Putin said, "Biden be a seasoned matey, a politician from another era." But fear not, me hearties, Putin be willin' to parley wit' any president who gains the trust of the American scallywags. Be it true that Russia has been accused of meddlin'..."
February 15, 2024, 7:00 pm
Arr, the sparks be flyin' in a Fulton County, Georgia, courtroom Thursday afternoon! The fierce Fulton County District Attorney, Fani Willis, be takin' the stand to testify 'gainst allegations of an "improper" affair with special prosecutor Nathan Wade! This scandalous affair might just ruin her case 'gainst the mighty former President Trump, mateys! In a moment o' high tension, Willis be asked by a Trump lawyer, Ashley Merchant, if she had any "proof" she be reimbursin' Wade for vacations, as the payments were made in cold, hard cash. "The testimony..."
February 15, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arr, matey! Israel be stuck betwixt Davy Jones' locker and a hard place, ye see. If they be lettin' Rafah and its scurvy terrorist crew slip through their grasp, their foes would be dancin' a jig and might fancy a crack at 'em in the days to come, from all corners like Tehran, Southern Lebanon, Damascus, Ramallah, or Gaza City, by Blackbeard's beard! All them brave souls lost in battle would've been fer naught if them scallywags of Hamas were to make a comeback and be hailed as the conquerors. The poor Israeli folk be shakin' in their boots, I tell ye...
February 15, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, fer many moons, whenever I sailed to Gaza to visit me kin, I ventured through the treacherous Rafah crossing, the cursed border betwixt the besieged Gaza Strip and Egypt. And with every gulp o' air in the border town o' Rafah, me mind be reminded o' me dear sister Taghreed's words: "I be inhaling the scent of the history o' me land." Her eyes would sparkle with pride as she spoke o' Rafah, and I be sharin' the same feelin'. The history o' this passageway stretches back fer thousands o' years, a testament to the bountiful treasures it beard.
February 15, 2024, 5:47 pm
Avast ye! Have ye noticed how it be always seen as a matter of mercy to let these scurvy dogs, Hamas, continue to thrive? The diplomatic scuffle be pressin' Israel to stay clear of Rafah, the last fortress of these bilge rats. The likes of Hezbollah be rampin' up their assaults, with daily warnings from the White House, Europe, the Middle East, and even the United Nations-NGO lot. Their claim be that there be too many landlubbers in Rafah, so Israel can't take on the scoundrels hidden among 'em. 'Tis the heart and soul of Hamas's military... Arrgh!
February 15, 2024, 3:22 pm
Arr, mateys! The scurvy dogs at the White House be confessin' that Russia has got hold of a vexing weapon to poke at them satellites, aye! But fear not, me hearties, for it can't be bringin' down any physical harm on our dear Earth. Their intelligence chaps be sayin' it ain't ready for action just yet. The Yanks be studyin' this technobabble and gabbin' with their mates, tryin' to figure out what to do about it, arrr!
February 15, 2024, 11:18 am
Arr, there be word o' Russia's desire to send a nuclear weapon into the great expanse, mayhaps to take aim at them satellites! This news be raisin' questions 'bout their intentions and the consequences of such a celestial explosion. The Treaty o' 1967, signed by Russia, the U.S., and many others, be claimin' that no weapons o' mass destruction, like nuclear arms, be allowed in outer space. Aye, but we wonder, what be Russia plannin' to do?
February 15, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! What be this space-based weapon o' nuclear prowess that th' United States be warnin' Congress 'n our mates in Europe about? Arr, 'tis a mystery, ye see! But if them Russkies be threatenin' our satellites, 'tis sure to be a devilish trouble. Messin' with communication, spyin', intelligence, 'n control - shiver me timbers! Methinks Russia be goin' overboard with their nuclear antics!
February 15, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fine lads 'n lasses o' the U.S. be sendin' multiple fancy satellites into the great beyond, savvy? Just as the sun be settin', fears started circulatin' about Russia's space weapons. But fear not, for Elon Musk's SpaceX be takin' charge! Six satellites be launchin' forth, two o' which be belongin' to the U.S. Missile Defense Agency, and four t' the Space Development Agency. The MDA's mighty Hypersonic and Ballistic Tracking Space Sensor (HBTSS) be part o' this grand venture... Yo ho ho!
February 15, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Immigration and Customs Enforcement be makin' plans to reduce their holdin' capacity and set free a bunch o' immigrants, says a bird familiar with the plan. This be 'cause ICE be facin' a dire shortage o' gold due to them lazy scallywags in Congress. The Department o' Homeland Security be strugglin' with a swarm o' migrants at the US-Mexico border, makin' 'em walk the plank when it comes to resources!
February 15, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr! California be havin' mighty plans fer ethnic studies! By 2025, the state's public high schools - 'bout 1,600 of 'em - must be teachin' the subject. By 2030, no scallywag be gettin' outta high school 'less they be learnin' it. Fer them fancy policymakers, the goal be to give California students, 80 percent o' whom be nonwhite, the chance to study a vast array o' diverse cultures. There be research showin' that ethnic studies classes can be raisin' the grades and attendance o' lads and lasses at risk o' droppin' out. But even in a...
February 15, 2024, 5:05 am
Avast ye hearties! Two lawsuits for piratin' of copyrights against OpenAI be thrown overboard! The jesters Sarah Silverman and Paul Tremblay be claimin' that OpenAI be pilferin' their books to train their cursed AI, ChatGPT. But a wise judge in California be sayin' nay to most of their claims.
February 14, 2024, 4:30 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Aye, 'tis with a heavy heart that I report a dastardly incident at the Super Bowl victory parade for them Kansas City Chiefs! A fearsome shooting did occur, leaving at least 10 poor souls injured. The treacherous act took place near Union Station, right at the end of the festivities. Fear not, for the brave lads of the Kansas City Fire Department have tended to the wounded. And hark! The cunning dogs of the Kansas City Police Department have apprehended two armed rascals! 'Tis a dark day, but justice shall prevail!
February 14, 2024, 4:29 pm
Yarrr! Avast ye hearties! A landlubber's folly in Kansas City, Missouri! A shooting hath occurred after the grand parade and jollification for the Chiefs' Super Bowl triumph. One soul hath gone to Davy Jones' locker, whilst nine others be injured. Three be in dire straits, five be in a sorry state, but one be fortunate to escape with but a scratch. The skirmish took place west of Union Station, near the garage, as loyal Chiefs enthusiasts be departing. Two armed rascals be captured, say the Kansas...
February 14, 2024, 4:27 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A mighty brawl broke out in downtown Kansas City 'pon Wednesday afternoon, right near Union Station where the victorious Kansas City Chiefs celebrated their Super Bowl win. A sly rogue fired shots from a nearby garage, causin' a ruckus! The local constables be urg'n folks to flee the scene, whilst the brave Battalion Chief Michael Hopkins of the Fire Department tended to the wounded souls. Arrr, what a day it be!
February 14, 2024, 3:53 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! With but a mere fortnight till the South Carolina Republican primary, word has reached me that the former governor and U.N. ambassador, Nikki Haley, be in dire straits. A new poll reveals that she be trailin' that scallywag former president, Donald Trump, by a mighty 36 points in her very own homeland. A paltry 29 percent of likely Republican voters be standin' by Haley, whilst a swashbucklin' 65 percent be throwin' their support behind Trump. This news be as predictable as the tide, matchin' the latest FiveThirtyEight polling results with uncanny precision. Arrr, the winds do not favor Haley, me hearties!
February 14, 2024, 11:15 am
Aye, me hearties! When yer scallywags from the same ship be runnin' both Congress and the White House, tis a cakewalk to pass yer decrees. Just like them Democrats did in the year 2021, usin' their trickery to sneak past the Senate's tie and pass the bloated American Rescue Plan Act, worth a hefty $2 trillion! Yet, when it be a ship with a split crew, with them Republicans holdin' the House while the other rapscallions control the Senate and the White House, things be different, me mateys...
February 14, 2024, 11:03 am
Splitting a vast stretch o' golden sand, the Huntington Beach pier calls fer visitors and wave riders alike, creatin' a gap in the swells that earns the city its moniker: Surf City, USA. 'Tis a sight as relaxed as its title implies - a stark contrast to the political quarrels eruptin' from City Hall just a wee jaunt inland. Since a crew o' conservative scallywags commandeered the Huntington Beach City Council a bit over a year ago, they've been pursuin' an agenda that sails in line with the...
February 14, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis said that Yale be ponderin' the resurrection o' standardized testin' t' be sailin' alongside Dartmouth College! Aye, 'tis a grand shift in the winds of higher education admissions, makin' them question their very foundations, har har!
February 14, 2024, 10:54 am
Arr, last week in downtown Baghdad, the Pentagon did scuttle the life of a scurvy dog, a leader of the Kataib Hezbollah, usin' a weapon with six long blades to shred him to pieces and protect innocent souls, says the lads at defense. This modified Hellfire missile, known as "the flying Ginsu" among our fine military, be resemblin' them popular knives from the 70s infomercials. It was aimed at Abu Baqr al-Saadi, the head of Kataib Hezbollah in Syria. The Yanks do be crafty, aye...
February 13, 2024, 9:45 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Tom Suozzi, a former swashbuckling Democrat, be victorrrrious in a closely watched special House election in New York. Arrr, he be narrrrowing the Republican majority in Washington and givin' his party a grand playbook for November. His triumph in Queens and Long Island avenged a year of humiliation from that scallywag George Santos. 'Tis a fine day indeed, as we stop the Republican scurvy from takin' every major election on Long Island since...
February 13, 2024, 9:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye, for the Democrats have done the impossible! They've turned the tide and snatched a congressional seat from the GOP scallywags in New York! Those Republicans be sailin' in troubled waters with their immigration attacks, but the Democrats fought 'em off, by Jove! Former U.S. Representative Tom Suozzi, the bold buccaneer, be reclaimin' his House seat in New York's 3rd Congressional District, with a hearty 58.7 percent of the vote. Poor Republican Mazi Pilip be walkin' the plank with just 41.3 percent. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
February 13, 2024, 9:42 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Tom Suozzi, a democratic swashbuckler, hath won the special election to replace George Santos, a former Rep. in the grand land o' New York's 3rd Congressional District. This be a mighty blow to them House Republicans, leaving 'em with only two seats to their name. The Associated Press hath declared Suozzi the victor, with a lead of 17.4 points and 52% o' the votes counted. 'Tis the end of a fierce battle on the campaign trail, me hearties…
February 13, 2024, 8:18 pm
At the end o' Joe Biden's sudden press gathering last week, where th' president, in a peculiar manner, tried to ease worries 'bout his elderly state by exhibitin' all th' signs ye'd expect from an old salt, he staggered back to th' pulpit fer one final jab at Israel. Biden had th' audacity to claim that th' Jewish land's battle against Hamas in Gaza be a bit too much, ye see. He blathered, "I be pushin' with all me might to broker this truce with th' captors," and added that he...
February 13, 2024, 3:50 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the Democratic crew be sailin' a ship of folly! They be believin' in a Scooby-Dooism, hopin' that by shoutin' and hollerin' enough, ol' Joe Biden won't be seen as too ancient to rule these United States. But nay, me hearties! We all know this be a fool's errand. The Democrats be dreamin' if they think they can...
February 13, 2024, 3:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The swashbucklin' crew of Joe Biden be aware in 2020 that his age be a worry for the landlubbers, but they cleverly painted him as a capable captain who'd bring order to the White House after that rascal Donald Trump. But now that Biden be 81, them opinion polls be showin' that voters be even more concerned 'bout his age afore the November election. While in office, Biden's walk be stiffer, he be slower on his peg legs, and he be makin' a mess o' words durin' his speeches, sometimes mixin' up the names of them world leaders...
February 13, 2024, 3:47 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks them Democrats be needin' a wake-up call, by Davy Jones' locker! The stakes be too high for us to be indulgin' in denial, self-deception, and illusions, like a scurvy pirate with his head stuck in a barrel of rum. Aye, reality be our mighty weapon, our stout shield. Only ignorin' it can bring us doom! Arrggh! This report from Special Counsel Robert Hur, describin' President Joe Biden as a sympathetic, well-meanin', elderly man with a poor memory, has stirred up quite a tempest, shiver me timbers!
February 13, 2024, 1:26 pm
Yarrr, be ye hopin' to catch an Uber or Lyft on yer way home from th' airport on Valentine's Day? Aye, ye be outta luck, me matey! Drivers in 10 cities be swearin' off work betwixt 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. local time on Wednesday. 'Tis a grand nationwide effort, ye see, to shine a light on the issues these swashbucklin' rideshare drivers face on th' apps. From measly wages to havin' their accounts suddenly deactivated, they be fed up workin' a grueling 80 hours a week just t' scrape by.
February 13, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scurvy dog, Tony Bobulinski, once a part of the Biden scallywags, did spill the beans afore House impeachment probers. He claimed that the president himself be the very treasure they be peddlin' in China and Ukraine! Aye, 'tis a tale that could bring shame upon the Democrats, by Jove!
February 13, 2024, 11:02 am
Avast ye, mateys! Word hath spread quick like a cannonball that a soul hath trespassed upon Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas. But blimey! Right-wing influencers, Republican scallywags, and even Fox News be spreadin' a false tale that the scurvy dog bein' transgender. Arrr, tis a load of bilge! Houston officials, led by Police Chief Troy Finner and Democratic Mayor John, set the record straight, they did.
February 13, 2024, 10:38 am
Comedy Central hath gladly welcomed Jon Stewart back to the helm at The Daily Show on Monday, whilst Fox News be most glad to witness the jesting veteran taketh aim at President Joe Biden. And lo! One Fox News host did ponder if this jesting was to compete with their very own "king of late night," Greg Gutfeld. Having played an excerpt of Stewart, wherein he didst mock Biden's alleged memory woes, Fox News host Dana Perino didst ponder aloud on Tuesday's edition of America's Newsroom: Yea, verily. I...
February 13, 2024, 10:04 am
Arr, me hearties! Methinks Nancy Pelosi, the exalted House Speaker, did declare that President Biden be indeed younger than her, har! When ol' Anderson Cooper from CNN did ask if Biden should jest about his age, some Democrats be havin' concerns, aye. Cooper did inquire, "What say ye to these concerns?" And Pelosi did respond, "Arr, people do err, me matey! His age be a fact, ye see. Mistakes befall him due to..."
February 13, 2024, 5:43 am
Avast, me hearties! A jolly new study be revealin' that the cursed carbon dioxide emissions caused by landlubber humans be drivin' more plants to sprout on this here Earth, even in parched lands. Arrr, this peer-reviewed study, published in the esteemed journal Global Ecology and Conservation, be provin' that the whole 'global greening' thing be true. The rate of this greening be pickin' up a wee bit, and drought be slowin' it down, but not stoppin' it. This study be done by them crafty Chinese scallywags...
February 13, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) be rejectin' a bipartisan Senate offerin' providin' aid to Ukraine an' other foreign allies, raisin' new questions 'bout how — or if — Congress will be adoptin' the assistance ahead o' November’s elections. The Senate legislation, which be providin' billions o' doubloons in military assistance fer Ukraine an' Israel, among other foreign aid provisions, be on its way to passin' through the upper chamber early Tuesday mornin' with more than a dozen Republicans...
February 13, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr! President Joe Biden’s scurvy attorney be claimin' he went to both the special counsel and the attorney general to voice his concerns 'bout the scallywags takin' unnecessary jabs at the president's memory. "This report be a shipwreck!" Bob Bauer cried on CBS' Face the Nation. "A pitiful excuse for a job." The special counsel be diggin' into whether the president be mismanagin' classified documents when he were the vice captain in his previous ventures...
February 13, 2024, 5:36 am
Arr, matey! Avast ye! In a jolly weekend brawl, Donald Trump did set Europe free from American protection! "I won't shield ye, me hearties! Let 'em do as they please," yelled Trump, as he bragged 'bout not defendin' a country attacked by Russia. "Ye need to cough up, ye scallywags!" But mind ye, Trump was talkin' 'bout NATO countries not...
February 11, 2024, 5:39 am
Arr! The scurvy Israeli forces have stumbled upon a hidden treasure, ye landlubbers! A secret Hamas military lair, deep beneath the very nose of the United Nations's aid agency for the poor Palestinians! 'Tis a den of cunning communication and intelligence, claim the Israeli authorities. This UNRWA, tasked with lendin' a hand to them poor souls, be head-quartered in Amman, mateys...
February 11, 2024, 5:38 am
Avast, me hearties! Donald Trump be claimin' victory in the early primaries, whilst poor Nikki Haley be sufferin' a stingin' defeat in Nevada! 'Tis lookin' likely that a Biden-Trump rematch be brewin' come November, but don't ye be countin' yer doubloons just yet! Biden's campaign be showin' signs of trouble, 'tis true, but reckon carefully before ye dismiss him. A fresh poll from Focaldata-UnHerd be tellin' a tale of six swingin' states...
February 11, 2024, 5:35 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Word be reachin' me ears that the parent company o' Facebook and Instagram, Meta, be thinkin' 'bout clampin' down on talkin' 'bout Israeli nationalism on their fine platforms. Aye, they be considerin' stricter rules that could silence criticism and free speech 'bout the war in Gaza and beyond, claim five sources from the civil society who got wind o' this change. "Arr, Meta be takin' a gander at their hate speech policy, particularly when it comes to the word 'Zionist,'" be the word from a message sent to civil society groups on January 30 by..."
February 11, 2024, 5:27 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis with a heavy heart that this Wisconsin Republican, Rep. Mike Gallagher, be announcin' that I be hangin' up me hat and not seekin' re-election to me post in the House. For eight long years, I've sailed this treacherous political sea, promisin' to be a fierce buccaneer on duty. Me bipartisan work on the Armed Services and Intelligence Committees, chairin' the Cyberspace Solarium Commission, and the Select Committee on the Chinese Communist Party be a testament to our triumphant plunderin' on this voyage. We've pillaged and accomplished more than I ever dreamed possible on this wild adventure. But alas, it be time for a new captain to take the helm. May the winds of fortune guide this ship to greater glory!
February 10, 2024, 8:28 am
Arr, me hearties! Late tidings from the Commerce Department reveal that in 2023, Mexico hath become the grandest source of imported treasures to the US, outshining China fer the first time in two score years. 'Tis a mighty change in the seas of commerce! With tensions brewin' betwixt the US and China, this shift to Mexico be a blessin'. Costs be lowered, and the supply chain be swift as a pirate's plunder...
February 10, 2024, 8:26 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Listen up, for I have news from across the seas! The land of Mexico hath done more trades with the United States in the year 2023 than any other nation afore! Aye, according to the trade data of the U.S., released this very day! But alas, me hearties, the U.S. trade hath taken a wee tumble, a mere 3.85% decline. Yet fear not, for the total still be a mighty $5.1 trillion, the second-greatest on record! Only surpassed by the grand sum of $5.3 trillion in the year 2022. Now, let me tell ye of the wonders that befall this great nation! Not only hath we found a new trade partner, but we also boast a new leading port, a new foremost export, and a new foremost import! Port Laredo, me mateys, hath claimed the title of the grandest port in all the land. A worthy achievement, I say! And that be not all, for the nation now has a new leading export and import, though the details be not shared. So raise yer mugs of rum and cheer for this marvelous news! Mexico and the United States, aye, they be makin' history in the realm of trade!
February 10, 2024, 4:54 am
Arr, me hearties! Listen ye well to this tale of Taylor Swift, a lass of great renown, who be helpin' the Kansas City Chiefs make a fortune, aye, to the tune o' $331.5 million, as some expert claims. 'Twas all thanks to her fancy for Travis Kelce, the Chiefs' victorious tight end, makin' him famous near and far. So, afore ye faithful NFL fans start growlin' like a pack o' sea dogs, mind ye to take into...
February 10, 2024, 4:45 am
Arr, ye scurvy landlubbers! The cap'n o' the UN agency fer Palestinian refugees be claimin' he be usin' a "reverse due process" when he be firin' them scalawags accused o' bein' part o' Hamas's dastardly attacks. He be admitin' he didn't even bother investigatin' Israel's claims before sendin' 'em to Davy Jones' locker. At a press conference, a brave matey asked if he had any proof against 'em...
February 10, 2024, 4:32 am
Avast ye, scallywags! The Democratic National Committee be raisin' a complaint, claimin' that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his loyal crew be conspirin' with a super PAC to unlawfully coordinate a grand $15 million petition drive. They be hopin' to secure his name on the ballots in many states, ones that could be vital to President Biden's success in the next election. This be considered an in-kind contribution to Kennedy's campaign, a violation in the eyes of the law! Arrr, the seas be rough, indeed!
February 10, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr, the Democratic National Committee be cryin' foul, claimin' that scurvy dog Robert F. Kennedy Jr., along with his matey super PAC, be breakin' election laws by tryin' to get him on the ballot in many a state. They fear this longshot candidate be a danger to President Joe Biden's chance of winnin' reelection. In their complaint to the Federal Election Commission, the DNC be accusin' the PAC, known as American Values 2024, of unlawfully conspirin' with Kennedy Jr.'s crew, led by Bob...
February 10, 2024, 4:29 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the Democratic National Committee be cryin' foul against that independent presidential matey, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.! They be claimin' he and his mateys from American Values 2024 be breakin' the rules, coordinatin' their efforts and violatin' the election law. They be sayin' they paid him $15 million in illegal contributions to get on the ballot. Shiver me timbers!
February 9, 2024, 5:21 pm
Avast, me hearties! The tale that Donald Trump spins be one o' dominatin' all the way. 'Tis weavin' through the holy scripts of his personal myth, it be. In his legendary tome, "The Art of the Deal," he be boastin' o' his cutthroat negotiatin' skills on every page. On the show "The Apprentice," he be actin' as master o'er a room o' humble souls, all vying for his blessin'. And at his grand campaign gatherings, he be entertainin' the masses with yarns o' intimidatin' world leaders in the Oval Office. Arrr!
February 9, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dog Adam Smith, a Democratic Rep. from Washington, be admitting that Cap'n Joe Biden lacks the "normal strength" fer a grand political campaign. Afore ye know it, Biden be lashin' out like a furious tempest durin' a press conference, aye, for a full thirteen minutes! 'Twas all about that scallywag Robert Hur's report, claimin' Biden deliberately be hidin' classified documents. Hur be choosin' not to charge Biden, callin' him a "sympathetic, well-meanin' elderly man with..." Arrr, the plot thickens!
February 9, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arr, me hearties! Five brave souls o' the U.S. Marines met their tragic fate when their cursed chopper crashed amidst treacherous mountains in southern California. The bold buccaneers be known as Lance Cpl. Donovan Davis, 21, hailing from Kansas; Sgt. Alec Langen, 23, from Arizona; Capt. Benjamin Moulton, 27, a lad from Idaho; Capt. Jack Casey, 26, from New Hampshire; and Capt. Miguel Nava, 28, claimin' Michigan as his birthplace, as per Fox News. Davis and Langen, the youngest o' the bunch, fought side by side till the bitter end, by Davy Jones' locker!
February 9, 2024, 5:03 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs at the Biden administration be admitting that they be includin' words like "MAGA," "Trump," and "Kamala" in their push for banks to spy on private transactions after the Jan. 6, 2021 protests at the U.S. Capitol. Aye, a letter found by Fox News Digital reveals the truth! The Treasury Department sent this letter to Sen. Tim Scott, R-S.C., the top Republican on the Senate Banking Committee. The letter mentions these "Exchange events" where they discuss their Financial Crimes Enforcement... Avast!
February 9, 2024, 10:43 am
Avast ye mateys! Nayib Bukele, the scallywag millennial captain o' El Salvador, be claimin' he be elected fer a second reckonin' in a grand victory on Sunday. The official tally be underway, but 'tis clear that this self-proclaimed "world's grooviest tyrant" be winnin' by a mile, even though it be against the land's rules to serve consecutive terms. Arrr, the world be scoldin' him fer lettin' a rights calamity run amok, but Bukele..."
February 9, 2024, 10:41 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Twas a blastin' feast for the eyes in El Salvador's jolly capital! President Nayib Bukele, a fearless swashbuckler, be claimin' a grand victory in the first round o' elections. He be fightin' viciously against the scurvy gangs, cuttin' down the bloodshed in this weary land, and be snatchin' over 85% o' the vote! His crew, Nuevas Ideas, be takin' 58 out o' the 60 seats in parliament. With a cheerin' crowd and a flutterin' flag, he made his triumphant speech from the grand National Palace!
February 9, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr, President Nayib Bukele be havin' a jolly good time after scurvy voters be castin' aside their doubts 'bout democracy to reward him for his fearsome crackdown on them scoundrel gangs. Thousands o' his loyal supporters be dressed in cyan blue and wavin' flags, takin' o'er San Salvador's central square to celebrate his re-election, which that young leader be callin' a "referendum" on his rule. Bukele be declarin' himself the victor, me hearties!
February 9, 2024, 8:47 am
Arrr! Avast ye, me hearties! Unfurl the sails and listen up! These scallywags be spreadin' lies on the interwebs! The measles virus in the UK and U.S. be not connected to the mysterious "Disease X" that be causin' havoc in the future. Measles be a pesky disease, but fear not, me mateys! With a good ol' vaccine, we can keep it at bay. The UK Health Security Agency be keepin' an eye on the situation, so let's sail on and stay safe, ye landlubbers!
February 9, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Senate, in all its swashbucklin' glory, didst pass a mighty decree on Thursday. Aye, they be startin' work on a grand $95 billion treasure chest to aid Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan. This be followin' the burial of a larger bill that planned to spend a hefty $20 billion on protectin' our borders. Arrr! In this here vote, 67 scoundrels said "Aye!" while only one matey, Sen. Bernie Sanders, yelled "Nay!" from the Democratic crew. We reckon the final vote won't be happenin' until next week as these senators embark on a long and treacherous journey. Stay tuned, me hearties!
February 9, 2024, 5:31 am
Arr! President Biden be a stout-hearted scallywag, defendin' his wit and memory against the scathing words of that special counsel. In a bold retort, Biden be sayin' "Nay! I be no forgetful old sea dog, but a man of substance and vision!" The counsel, Robert Hur, claims Biden's memory be leakier than a ship with a thousand holes. But mark me words, Biden won't be walkin' the plank without a fight!
February 9, 2024, 5:29 am
Avast, ye scallywags! 'Tis been reported that a landlubber from Iran, seekin' asylum, met a grisly end at the hands of Swiss bilge rats. Armed with an ax and knife, this 32-year-old scurvy dog held 15 souls captive on a train near the French border for a good four hours! Thankfully, the hostages were all freed without harm. Arrr!
February 8, 2024, 11:22 pm
Avast ye mateys! Cap'n Donald Trump be swashbuckling his way to victory in the Nevada Republican Party's presidential caucuses. With but a mere 1% of the vote counted, he be holdin' a mighty 98% of the tally, leavin' poor ol' Ryan Binkley with a measly 2%. Arrr, tis a landslide triumph for our Cap'n! The Associated Press be raisin' the flag o' victory for Trump at the stroke o' 11:05 p.m. EST, when the first results be comin' ashore. Yo ho ho, another win for the mighty Trump!
February 8, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arr, President Biden be a scurvy scallywag, holdin' tight to secret scrolls from his days as a vice captain. Eager to prove his worth, he did, but now this investigation be causin' a stir in the upcoming presidential battle of 2024. In his private life, he even shared these classified treasures with a ghostwriter, ye be believin' that?
February 8, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, the scurvy special counsel be sayin' in his report, released on Thursday, that no criminal charges be fittin' for President Biden's handlin' of classified loot. Yet, he did uncover evidence showin' that Biden be keepin' and spillin' some sensitive secrets. Arr, what a tale!
February 8, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast me hearties! As per the findings of Special Counsel Robert Hur's report on the scallywag President Biden's mishandling of secret parchments, it be revealed that ol' Biden couldn't recall crucial details, like when he served as vice captain, while being interrogated by investigators. For a year now, Hur has been diggin' into Biden's mischievous hoarding of classified scrolls. These papers be holdin' secrets 'bout the military and foreign scuffles in Afghanistan, along with other vital records concernin' national security and foreign affairs...
February 8, 2024, 4:30 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A scheme to fatten the pockets of them Kansas lawmakers be sailin' the high seas! No vote needed, just a sneaky little commission! Arrr, now these mateys be earnin' more doubloons than even them bigger states, like Texas and Georgia! Savvy?
February 8, 2024, 11:01 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the Federal Communications Commission be puttin' an end to them scallywag robocalls made by artificial intelligence! Seems these landlubbers be usin' deepfakes to mimic politicos like President Joe Biden. The FCC be callin' these AI voices "artificial" under the Telephone Consumer Protection Act! Yo ho ho!
February 8, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Federal Communications Commission hath declared today that them scurvy dogs who be sendin' robocalls with voices made by fancy artificial intelligence shall be walkin' the plank! Aye, 'tis a clear message that usin' such trickery to deceive and cheat folks won't be tolerated! All the landlubbers, beware!
February 8, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, 'twas a sorry tale indeed! Five valiant Marines, sailin' the skies in a helicopter, met their untimely end in California. They were missin' for days, 'til the wreckage was found in Pine Valley. Brave souls be searchin' for the rest, hopin' to bring 'em home safe 'n sound.
February 8, 2024, 10:21 am
Arr, me hearties! Thar be a tale of five brave Marines, sailin' in a mighty helicopter, bound fer San Diego. But alas, the scallywags went missin'! The Marine Corps be seekin' 'em, while the local authorities stumbled upon the craft in Pine Valley, 40 leagues east o' San Diego. No word on its state, but 'twas on a routine trainin' flight from Creech Air Force Base. The heli was reported overdue on...
February 8, 2024, 4:46 am
"Arrr, mateys! 'Tis a tale of Elon Musk, a grand billionaire, who be takin' sides in a quarrel with Disney. He be supportin' the lawsuit of Gina Carano, a lass who played the fierce Cara Dune. She be claimin' that the 'woke' company sacked her due to her conservative beliefs. Yarr, she be speakin' o' conspiracy and mockin' mask mandates, echoin' false claims of voter fraud. A storm be brewin' in the high seas!"
February 8, 2024, 4:42 am
Arr, the Supreme Court scallywags of Florida be doubtin' the state's squabble that the jargon on a ballot to preserve the sacred right of abortion be deceivin'. Nathan Forrester, representing the attorney general's quarters, pleaded for the court to toss the measure. He claimed the voters be too daft to fathom the amendment's purpose, as the words be as vast as the seven seas with countless reckonin's. Yet, a bunch of justices...
February 8, 2024, 4:39 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Twas a sight to behold on ye olde cable news! The Guardian Angels, those brave souls, were spied roughin' up a scallywag their captain deemed a light-fingered "migrant." Yet, the claim seems as false as a parrot with naught but a squawk. In the midst of this turmoil, whilst the great Sean Hannity was chattin' with the Angels' leader, Curtis Sliwa, the cameras panned to capture the ruckus. "Avast, me mateys! Our crew hath just brought down one of those migrant miscreants right here on the corner of 42nd Street and Seventh Avenue," Sliwa exclaimed. "They've taken over..."
February 7, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arr, the scurvy dogs in the House o' Republicans may have suffered a blow in their attempt to impeach the scallywag Mayorkas, but fear not, me hearties, for they be vowing to try again! Speaker Mike Johnson, a hearty rogue from Louisiana, be declarin' that they shall prevail in this mighty battle against the Homeland Security Secretary. Last night may have been a setback, but remember, democracy be a messy business, ye landlubbers!
February 7, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arr matey! The scallywag Euro lawmakers be cryin' for Brussels to lay sanctions on that Tucker Carlson, yarrr! Just 'cause he had a wee chat with Putin, they be wantin' to punish him like a scurvy dog! But blast me barnacles, American journos always be talkin' to dictators, even during the Cold War, matey! Guy Verhofstadt, that landlubber from Belgium, be the worst of 'em all!
February 7, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr, me hearties! President Biden didst declare on Wednesday, whilst gallivantin' 'round New York City, that that scallywag Donald Trump be an "existential threat." T'was a three-stop quest for doubloons, interrupted by landlubber protesters on Fifth Avenue. Shiver me timbers!
February 7, 2024, 5:47 pm
"I be tellin' ye, mateys! The blasted U.S. budget deficit be set to swell by a whole $1 trillion in the next decade, as reported by them fancy Congressional Budget Office scallywags. And get this, it be all 'cause o' President Joe Biden's grand plan to make the U.S. sail towards greener pastures, all at a cost we didn't see comin'! Aye, he be wantin' to tackle the danger o' climate change and make our economy walk the plank, all in one go!"
February 7, 2024, 11:36 am
Avast ye! Hamas be offerin' a truce t' silence the cannons in Gaza fer four-and-a-half moons. Durin' this time, all captives be set free, Israel's soldiers be withdrawin' from Gaza, and a pact be made t' end this war. Israel be ponderin' this here proposal, with Cap'n Benjamin Netanyahu addressin' the matter soon. A scurvy dog from Israel's Channel 13 be sayin' some parts o' the offer be not...
February 7, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be reachin' us that Hamas, the scallywags who control Gaza, be voicin' their response to a ceasefire offer! They be demandin' a phased retreat from the landlubber Israelis durin' a four-and-a-half-month truce, and a grand scheme to finally put an end to this war, ye see! This group o' Palestinian swashbucklers be proposin' a three-phase agreement, each lastin' 45 days, which would also set free the poor souls held hostage in their domain, all in exchange, mateys!
February 7, 2024, 11:33 am
Arr matey! Hamas be offerin' to set free all them landlubber Israeli hostages in exchange fer a 135-day truce, a full Israeli retreat from Gaza, and the release of well over a thousand Palestinian scallywags. This here offer be made to Israel on Tuesday, in response to terms from Egypt and Qatar. The plan be to release the hostages in stages, startin' with the lasses and wee ones, in exchange for them Palestinian prisoners bein' held in Israel. Yo ho ho!
February 7, 2024, 10:49 am
In th' depths o' th' dreaded pandemic, as global supply chains did buckle 'n th' cost o' shipping a container to Cathay be soar'd nearly twentyfold, Marco Villarreal spied an opportunity. In th' year 2021, Mr. Villarreal be resignin' as Caterpillar’s cap'n general in Mexico 'n began nurturin' ties wit' companies lookin' to shift manufacturin' from Cathay to Mexico. He be findin' a fine client in Hisun, a Cathay producer o' all-terrain vehicles, which hired Mr. Villarreal to establish a $152 million manufacturin' site in...
February 6, 2024, 11:31 pm
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! In the grand Republican presidential contest of Nevada, a peculiar and hilarious victory befallen upon the option of "none of these candidates!" 'Tis a shameful defeat fer Nikki Haley, the sole prominent contender on th' ballot. The former U.N. ambassador, in all her wisdom, chose to partake in the state-run primary election, rather than the party's presidential caucuses where delegates be granted. Aye, 'tis only our beloved former President Donald Trump who be competin' in them caucuses, aye!
February 6, 2024, 11:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale o' woe! Nikki Haley, be she a fine lass, was set to lose the fierce battle in Nevada's Republican primary, as decided by Decision Desk HQ. Aye, 'tis a surprise indeed, for the great Trump himself be not in the runnin'! The scallywags were offered a choice to mark a box sayin' "none o' these candidates," wit' no chance to scribble a name. By Davy Jones' locker, that option be the victor, as the former governor of South Carolina was bound to settle for second place.
February 6, 2024, 11:29 pm
Arr, the scallywag Donald Trump, he be not be found on the ballot in the grand Republican primary in Nevada. But alas, his absence did naught to aid his last rival, the brave Nikki Haley, in her quest for the 2024 GOP nomination. The voters, in their wisdom, were denied the pleasure of writin' Trump's name, yet they had the option to vote for "none of these candidates." And as the sun sets, the Associated Press has declared that "none of these..." shall seize the day!
February 6, 2024, 6:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! In a grand display of mutiny, the House scallywags be deliverin' a grievous blow to the Republican leaders! They be tryin' to impeach the mighty Homeland Security Secretary, Alejandro Mayorkas, but their efforts be crushed! 'Twas a fierce battle, with the votes bein' deadlocked at 215 to 215, until three scurvy Republicans joined the ranks of the Democrats. With a final vote of 214 to 216, the mutiny be thwarted, and the scallywag Secretary be spared from walkin' the plank!
February 6, 2024, 5:17 pm
Avast, me hearties! Cap'n Biden be a-claimin' that he be keen to ink a border accord, makin' it mighty difficult for them scurvy migrants to be enterin' our fair shores. 'Tis a much-needed and belated measure to restore the trust of the public in the government's skill to keep a grip on immigration. The swarm o' asylum seekers crossin' our southern borders be havin' our poor government runnin' like a headless chicken! 'Tis strainin' the cities and plunderin' our precious resources...
February 6, 2024, 5:16 pm
Arr, me hearties! The Senate scallywags finally revealed a treasure - a grand bipartisan pact to tackle the dreaded "security crisis" down south! They aim to put a stop to the onslaught of 10,000 landlubbers a day from foreign lands. This bold plan grants the Customs and Border Patrol lads and lasses full command of the borders, allowing them to swiftly deal with asylum matters. And it gives President Biden, and all future captains, the power to...
February 6, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, be the Republicans seekin' to safeguard the glorious U.S. shores, or be they wantin' to leave this open wound festering for yet another year, makin' it an election matter? That be the question before Congress this week with the Senate's bipartisan bill on securin' the border, and soon we'll know what the scallywag GOP truly desires. By any honest accountin', this be the most restrictin' laws on migrants in many a decade. Previous discussions on immigration often involved tradin' security measures for the legalization of more...
February 6, 2024, 3:21 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been decided by a court of pirate law that Donald Trump be not immune to the consequences of his treacherous attempt to reclaim the election booty. The panel of wise judges be havin' none of his excuse that bein' a former captain exempts him from the fierce hand of justice. Arrr!
February 6, 2024, 10:39 am
Avast ye, me hearties! 'Tis been four years since Cap'n Biden seized the Democratic nomination, courting them progressive scallywags like there be no tomorrow. Their pact be mighty, sailin' him straight to the White House. But alas! Troubles brew, as the chasms 'twixt him and the left grow wide, puttin' his 2024 voyage at great peril. Arrr!
February 6, 2024, 10:39 am
Arr, avast ye! Meta be settin' course fer a new adventure on Tuesday, as it plans to slap labels on Facebook, Instagram, an' Threads posts that be containin' images made by their fancy AI. Aye, with o'er 5 billion crew members on their platforms, this labelin' policy be affectin' every one o' their apps in all tongues. Meta be facin' some squalls, even from their own Oversight Board, to buckle down on their AI content policies. Shiver me timbers!
February 6, 2024, 10:35 am
Avast ye scallywags! The court be sayin' that former Cap'n Donald Trump be havin' no immunity from the law! He can be prosecuted for his misdeeds tryin' to overturn the election, says a bunch of fancy judges. Arrr, justice be served!
February 6, 2024, 10:34 am
"Avast ye scallywags! The U.S. Court of Appeals - D.C. Circuit be refusin' to grant former President Trump protection from the law! They be sayin' his claim of presidential immunity be as weak as a landlubber's drink, and a case against him shall continue. Arrr, justice be sailin' on!"
February 6, 2024, 5:37 am
Arr, the Republican ship be havin' a new candidate, Nikki Haley, seekin' protection from the Secret Service. 'Tis said she be facin' threats as the last rival to Donald Trump for the 2024 GOP nomination. She be confirm'n the application in a parley with The Wall Street Journal. "We be havin' many a problem," said the former governor and ambassador, undeterred in her quest.
February 6, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast, me hearties! The fair lass Nikki Haley, once a U.N. Ambassador, be seekin' the protection o' the Secret Service as she sets sail on her 2024 presidential voyage. Reports claim she be facin' a growin' number o' threats. Fear not, me mateys, for she be resolute in her course, sayin', "No scurvy dogs be stoppin' me from chartin' me own course." The Secret Service and her campaign remain as silent as the depths of Davy Jones' locker, not respondin' to any inquiries.
February 6, 2024, 5:35 am
Arr! Republican wench Nikki Haley be seekin' the protectin' o' the Secret Service, claimin' she's been threatened by scurvy dogs on her campaign voyage. The lass, who once governed South Carolina and served in the court of Trump, be givin' her rivals a run for their doubloons in the 2024 GOP nomination. Aye, she spilled the beans on this matter in an interview on Monday...
February 6, 2024, 3:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis been confirmed by the scurvy Canadian police that five rapscallions from Canada's 2018 world junior ice hockey crew, four of whom sail the NHL seas, be facin' charges o' sexual assault. This shameful incident was reported by a lass in June 2018, claimin' she was violated in a hotel room after a Hockey Canada charity shindig in London, Ontario. The coppers be investigatin' this dire matter...
February 4, 2024, 5:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be sailin' to victory in the first sanctioned presidential primary on a fine Saturday night. The scallywag easily outsmarted Rep. Dean Phillips and self-help author Marianne Williamson in a state that he'd already conquered in his previous campaign. With this win in South Carolina, the campaign be inchin' closer to the grand battle, which be foretold to be one of the longest and most treacherous journeys on the horizon.
February 4, 2024, 5:25 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! President Joe Biden be takin' the prize in the Democratic primary down in South Carolina, a land that be leadin' him to victory in the grand election o' 2020! 'Tis said this triumph will bring back the Black voters who have veered from the president's side, causin' his approval rating to sink. The Associated Press, they be declarin' Biden the winner at 7:23 p.m., a mere 23 minutes after the polls shut, with a mighty support o' more than 95%! Ahoy, Rep. Dean Phillips and author, ye be next in line...
February 4, 2024, 5:22 am
Arr! Cap'n Biden be triumphin' in the South Carolina Democratic presidential primary, the party's first-in-the-nation hurly-burly this time 'round, as foretold by those scallywags at the Associated Press. With 97 percent of the ballots counted, Biden be takin' an estimated 96.2 percent of the vote. Marianne Williamson be comin' in second, but with a paltry 2.1 percent, and Representative Dean Phillips not too far behind in third with a measly 1.7 percent. Whilst Iowa and New Hampshire have normally been the first ports o'call in the Democrats' pickin' process,..."
February 4, 2024, 3:46 am
Arr! Methinks that the American scallywag Tucker Carlson hath ventured to the land of Russia for a fair few days, claimeth the Telegram channel Mash. They say he hath arrived after many a delay upon a Turkish Airlines vessel from Istanbul, and hath witnessed the grand ballet spectacle of Spartacus at the Bolshoi Theatre in Moscow. Aye, a true conservative he be...
February 3, 2024, 2:04 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis news from the land of Connecticut! The grand Gov. Ned Lamont hath declared that the state shall be the first to cancel medical debt for its fine residents. Aye, ye heard it right! A whole billion doubloons of debt be wiped out, thanks to $6.5 million in treasure from the American Rescue Plan Act. No scurvy dog shall be burdened by medical bills, for this be a noble act of goodwill. Avast, me hearties, 'tis a fine day for the good people of Connecticut!
February 3, 2024, 2:02 pm
Arrr! Gov. Ned Lamont be makin' a grand declaration, mateys! He be plannin' to cancel a whole bilion doubloons in medical debt for 'bout 250,000 swabbies in Connecticut. Aye, ye heard it right! The landlubber be makin' history, makin' Connecticut the first to wipe out medical debt for such a crew. Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a bold move, indeed!
February 3, 2024, 2:01 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Ye be hearin' the news, as Gov. Ned Lamont of Connecticut hath declared that all ye eligible scallywags shall be free from yer cursed medical debt! The state be the first of its kind to be takin' such a noble stand. No more shall ye be weighed down by the financial anchor. Yo ho ho!
February 3, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr, in the year 2012, them Pennsylvania lawgivers, led by the mighty Gov. Tom Corbett, a Republican scallywag, did come up with a grand scheme fer Shell Oil Co. They offered a treasure worth $66 million a year fer 25 years, a total of $1.6 billion, 'n a shiny credit that would let Shell avoid payin' most, if not all, of its state 'n local taxes. All this in exchange fer Shell buildin' a fine polymer plant in Beaver County, near Pittsburgh, rather than in Ohio or West Virginia, ye scurvy dogs.
February 3, 2024, 4:55 am
Mark Zuckerberg hath brought great joy and mirth to the scallywags of Meta shareholders and Wall Street this jolly week, sharin' tidings of the grand social media monstrosity's first-ever bounty. Aye, even the IRS be grinnin' like a Cheshire cat, seein' the mighty treasure of taxes awaitin' 'pon the Meta stock dividends sailin' straight into Zuckerberg's treasure chest. The sea be whisperin' that this captain of Meta Platforms Inc. META, +20.32% shall soon be wrestin' a mighty sum o' $700 million in dividends each year. With near 350 million shares in his grasp, as per FactSet, the company be hoistin' the flag to commence the..."
February 3, 2024, 4:53 am
Fear not, me hearties! Should ye be troubled that fair Taylor Swift won't be makin' it back from her jaunt in foreign lands to witness her beau, Travis Kelce, in the grand Super Bowl, the Japanese Embassy sends a consoling message: "Fear naught!" The embassy assures the worried fans that their beloved songbird shall return in time, despite the tight schedule. Arr, she be set to perform in the Tokyo Dome from the 7th to the 10th of February, lest ye be forgettin'!
February 3, 2024, 4:37 am
Arr, HBO be sayin' "Avast ye! We be cuttin' ties with that pro-Russian scallywag, Milos Bikovic, after hirin' him for Season 3 of our beloved series, 'The White Lotus'." The spokesperson from HBO declared, "We be partin' ways with the landlubber Bikovic, and we be findin' a new matey to take his place!" This scurvy dog, Bikovic, a Serbian actor of 36 summers, be given Russian citizenship in 2021 and be actin' in many Russian films, includin' "Sunstroke" (2014). Soon after Russia sailed to Ukraine in February 2022, Bikovic be foolish enough to share...
February 2, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, methinks House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) be doubting that President Joe Biden be the scallywag who be makin' the decisions 'bout immigration policy. The speaker be pushin' Biden to take executive action to secure the southern border. Johnson told Fox Business host Maria Bartiromo on Friday that he and his mateys in the Republican crew be showin' Biden that he got the constitutional power to secure the border with his executive might, but he be reckonin' that the president's crew be blockin' him from takin' action like a landlubber.
February 2, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! San Francisco Mayor London Breed be pullin' the ol' plug on a homeless center in the very heart o' the city. Aye, the scallywags ain't too pleased, for they've been plannin' it for years, ye see. 'Twas meant to be a haven for the homeless, where they could feast, bathe, find aid, and rest their weary bones for the night. The city had sworn to fund the Tenderloin Urban Rest and Sleep Center, but Breed, claimin'...
February 2, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, mateys! The Take Back Our Border convoy hath sailed across the vast lands of America to raise awareness 'bout the border crisis and them dastardly "open border policies." Dr. Pete Chambers and me matey, Senate candidate Ben Luna, R-N.M., be warnin' ye on "Fox & Friends First" 'bout the growin' crisis and the cursed drugs smugglin' across the border. "The fentanyl be like a chemical warfare, I reckon. The trade o' drugs be a monstrous affliction," said...
February 2, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arr, me hearties! Spotify hath made a jolly agreement with the famous podcaster Joe Rogan, makin' his popular show widely available. This grand deal, rumored to be worth a hefty sum of $250 million, includes a minimum guarantee plus a share o' the treasure from ad sales. Spotify shall sell ads and spread "The Joe Rogan Experience" across many podcast platforms, arr!
February 2, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. safety regulators be takin' a closer look at them Tesla vessels, ye know. They be sayin' they need to do some fancy engineerin' analysis before they can be makin' any demands for a recall. 'Tis about 334,000 of them Model 3 and Model Y ships from the year 2023. This all be happenin' 'cause of a grand investigation by Reuters that uncovered a whole heap of trouble. Avast!
February 2, 2024, 11:16 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Tesla be recallin' a grand total o' 2.2 million electric vessels in the land o' the brave, due to a perilous crash risk. The National Highway Safety Administration be blamin' it on tiny font sizes on the warnin' lights, makin' it impossible to read vital safety information. Avast, Tesla be offerin' a free over-the-air fix to all ye lads and lasses!
February 2, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Tesla be in a right pickle with their latest bungle. 'Tis not the usual scuttlebutt 'bout breakin' or the lack of proper alerts or seat belts, but 'tis all 'bout the minuscule font. Aye, ye read that right! The font size on Tesla's brake warnin' system be smaller than a flea's flea, not abidin' by the laws of the Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standards. Arrr, they be needin' to recall all 2.19 million of their sea-worthy vessels once again. Aye, the fools be in for a rough tide!
February 2, 2024, 8:56 am
Afore Jason Smith sailed his $78 billion tax treasure through the House, the Ways and Means chair sought the approval of none other than Donald Trump himself. In a merry meeting, Smith presented the plan to enhance the child tax credit and bestow business tax bounties, all to ensure the deal did not walk the plank. The former captain, it seems, granted his blessing. "I do parley with President Trump quite frequently, and he was fair..."
February 1, 2024, 9:02 pm
Arrr! Me intelligence officials reckon that the scurvy dogs in Tehran be havin' no complete control over their proxy scallywags in the Middle East! These rapscallions be attackin' and killin' our U.S. troops! The Quds Force, a fearsome crew from Iran's Revolutionary Guard Corps, be sendin' weapons, advisors, and spyin' to support these militias in Iraq, Syria, and them Houthis in Yemen!
February 1, 2024, 8:21 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Word be spreadin' from the U.S. officials to CBS News that a grand plan has been given the nod for a series of strikes against them blimey targets in Iraq and Syria. They be aimin' for those pesky Iranian scallywags and their hideouts. 'Tis all because of them drones and rockets that be blastin' our U.S. forces in the region. On Sunday, a drone attack took down three brave souls at the Tower 22 base near the Syrian border. The Defense be speakin' from the Pentagon, mind ye...
February 1, 2024, 8:18 pm
Arrr! The dastardly scoundrels, those Iranian-backed rascals, who sent three brave U.S. soldiers to Davy Jones' locker and injured many more, be fleein' their hideouts! Why, ye ask? 'Tis because that bumbling crew, President Joe Biden's lot, let slip to the media that they be plannin' a long and boisterous bombardment. As NBC News be tellin' us, this here retaliation be a grand "campaign" that'll last for weeks, mateys!
February 1, 2024, 8:17 pm
Arrr, the scallywags in the United States be plannin' to strike them Iranian dogs and their hideouts in Iraq and Syria! Aye, 'tis revenge for them three brave U.S. sailors slain by a blasted drone in Jordan. Those yanks reckon the drone be made by Iran, and now the Revolutionary Guards be abandonin' their posts in Syria. Avast, mateys, there be more to this tale!
February 1, 2024, 5:31 pm
Avast ye mateys! In the moons followin' Hamas' despicable act akin to the darkest days of the Holocaust, a mighty conflict has engulfed the Middle East. A grand total of ten lands are now embroiled in fierce skirmishes. In Gaza, Israeli scallywags clash wit' Hamas, whilst 2 million souls be sufferin' from famine. On the Lebanon shores, a wee war be brewin' between Hizbullah and Israel. As if that weren't enough, them cheeky scallywags, the Houthis in Yemen, be plunderin' cargo ships, causin' a dire financial storm in Egypt and...
February 1, 2024, 3:39 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The Republican Florida Gov., Ron DeSantis, be sendin' his Florida State Guard buccaneers to aid our mates in Texas, at the southern border. A thousand soldiers from the Florida National Guard be joinin' 'em too. Texas be facin' a mighty swarm of migrants, but they be holdin' their ground against President Joe Biden's crew. We be offerin' 'em one battalion from Florida, we be.
February 1, 2024, 3:39 pm
Arrr, mateys! The cap'n of yore, Donald Trump, be in a pickle! The scurvy dog spent a jolly sum of $50M from his treasure chest on them dreadful legal matters in the year 2023! His leadership PAC, once filled to the brim with $100 million, now be left with a measly $5.1 million as we sail into 2024. And that be not all! Aye, those legal bills be only the tip of the iceberg 'afore Trump was ordered to pay a writer!
February 1, 2024, 3:37 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Them blackguards, who be backed by the Iranians, be the vile scum responsible for takin' the lives of three brave U.S. sailors and causin' harm to many more. But lo and behold, after President Joe Biden's crew let slip to the press that a bombardment be on its way, these knaves be fleein' their hideouts like rats abandonin' a sinkin' ship! Avast! NBC News be sayin' the retaliation be a grand "campaign" that'll last for weeks. The...
February 1, 2024, 11:49 am
Thee Defense Secretary, Lloyd Austin, hath confessed to his wrongdoings, me hearties! He be apologizin' for hidin' his recent stay at the hospital from the White House and the good people of America. "We be makin' a mess o' this situation. I be makin' a mess o' this situation," he admitted to the scurvy reporters at his news conference. 'Tis his first time speakin' to the press since his secret hospitalization and the unfortunate drone attack in Jordan that sent three brave American soldiers to Davy Jones' Locker. He be sayin' that while he be proud of the fine work his Defense Department be doin', they be fallin' short on this particular matter. And he...
February 1, 2024, 9:44 am
Arr, President Joe Biden be plannin' to issue an executive order aimin' at them scurvy Israeli settlers in the West Bank who have been causin' mayhem and ruckus. A trusty source whispered to CNN about this grand plan. This new decree, as first told by Politico, be set to be declared on Thursday, and will be dishin' out some hearty sanctions to the scallywags accused of partakin' in these vicious deeds. President Biden, bein' a good-hearted captain, has spoken out against these acts of violence before, and the matter be indeed a vexin' one...
February 1, 2024, 9:39 am
Yarr! The Texas Governor, Greg Abbott, be in a fierce clash with the Biden crew over the Texas-Mexico border. Wise legal experts be reckonin' that the Supreme Court be the final arbitrator of this salty skirmish. One even be predictin' they may hoist the state's flag high and take the wind outta the federal government's sails! On January 22, the Supreme Court, with a 5-4 verdict, be tellin' the Fifth Circuit court to walk the plank and let the Biden crew pass...
February 1, 2024, 9:36 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The never-ending parlay o'er the border security bill be still in progress. Every day, the scallywags be promisin' to reveal the cursed draft bill. Sen. Kyrsten Sinema, I-Ariz., be givin' a tongue-lashin' to them critics who be leakin' the details bit by bit. "Avast, ye landlubbers! The tall tales ye be hearin' 'bout what this bill does or doesn't do be pure bilge," Sinema declared on Wednesday. "It be naught but misinformation, and whether it be intentional or not be someone else's reckonin'. But these gossips that be circulatin'..."
January 31, 2024, 8:45 pm
Arrr, matey! A scurvy dog from Washington DC, in a vile act of carjacking, did shoot a Trump official! Mike Gill, a proud father of three, be seekin' his wife when the villainous scallywag struck. Poor Gill, though he managed to flee his vessel, met a tragic fate soon thereafter.
January 31, 2024, 8:06 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Fulton County's special prosecutor, Nathan Wade, be settlin' his divorce case, savin' him from gabbin' about his dalliance with Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis. This here settlement spares Willis from spillin' the beans too, enlightenin' us about their connection. Methinks this scandalous affair puts in peril one of the main cases against the likes of former President Donald Trump, and that might just scuttle his hopes for 2024...
January 31, 2024, 6:11 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! 'Tis a dire tale, for the swashbucklin' mug-makers o' Stanley be findin' themselves in troubled waters. On the vast sea o' social media, scallywags on TikTok and Instagram be sharin' videos o' their lead test discoveries. Argh, the faithful Stanley sippers be feelin' a tremor in their timbers! Many a matey be postin' such videos...
January 31, 2024, 6:10 pm
Arrr! On Wednesday, them U.S. scallywags be claimin' they thwarted a grand Chinese cyber-spyn' mission! They say these landlubbers were aimin' to attack American infrastructure in times o' crisis. The U.S. Department of Justice and FBI have joined forces to rid the seas of Chinese software infestin' U.S. routers. The U.S. and its mates be exposin' these Chinese scoundrels...
January 30, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) be stirrin' up quite the storm, settin' tongues waggin' 'bout her future in Congress. At an event in Minnesota, she be tellin' a merry group o' Somalis that she be fightin' for her birthplace, Somalia, whilst sittin' in the U.S. Congress. A wee video clip be goin' viral, supposedly translated by them Somaliland officials, claimin' independence from the mainland. Ahoy!
January 30, 2024, 5:47 pm
Yarrr! Sen. Rick Scott, a scallywag from the lands of FL, be settin' sails on a new adventure o' feudin' with the mighty Mitch McConnell! In a writin' called an op-ed, Scott be accusin' the Senate leader o' underminin' our ship, the Republican Party, with a pitiful border compromise scorned by our loyal crew. This be just another jab from Scott, who tried to take down McConnell last February. Methinks this feud be never-endin'!
January 30, 2024, 5:45 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Me hearties sent me a message in a bottle 'bout Nancy Pelosi, a scallywag of a Former House Speaker. She be in hot water after a video emerged where she told them pro-Palestinian mateys from Code Pink to "sail back to China" where their "headquarters be." Arrr, the social media seas be ablaze with insults!
January 30, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, ye mateys at United Parcel Service be swabbin' the decks, partin' ways with 12,000 scallywags this year! And mark me words, from March 4th, all hands be workin' in the offices five days a week! They be lookin' to increase their booty, ye see, for business be slowin' down like a leaky ship. These job cuts be aimed at them fancy management scallywags and contract workers, and they be sayin' those positions won't be comin' back even if business picks up. Aye, the company's got 'round 85,000 management employees still sailin' the seas!
January 30, 2024, 11:59 am
Arrr! A border pact that be truly curb'n the scallywag influx and be bringin' joy to ol' President Biden's heart, that be a fine political win! That be the words of Sen. Kevin Cramer, a pirate from N.D., revealin' the GOP's sly game. Cramer be lackin' shame as he speak, opposin' any reform to immigration. In his twisted mind, helpin' on immigration be a blow to our beloved Donald Trump, the likeliest mate to challenge Biden. Ahoy, I say again...
January 30, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrrr, mateys! I've gotten me hands on a precious document, aye! This here intelligence dossier from Israel be claimin' that them scallywags at the U.N. Palestinian aid agency be not just aidin' but also abductin' and killin' during the raid that set off the fierce Gaza war. It be sayin' that about 190 of them UNRWA crew, even them teachers, be moonlightin' as swashbucklin' pirates for Hamas or Islamic Jihad. The dossier even has the names and mugshots of 11 of these scurvy dogs. But the fancy United Nations ain't yet made an official statement... Yo ho ho!
January 30, 2024, 11:33 am
Arr! 'Tis been discovered, mateys, that a scurvy bunch o' 12 U.N. lubbers be havin' dealings with the treacherous Hamas in their dastardly attack on Israel! And as if that weren't enough, 'tis said that 'round 10% o' the Gaza staff be havin' ties to them militant groups! Blimey! Six of these scoundrels even be takin' part in the attack that took down 1,200 souls, the worst strike against Jews since the days o' the fearsome Holocaust.
January 30, 2024, 11:30 am
Arr! Roughly 10 percent o' scurvy dogs sailin' with the United Nations Relief and Works Agency, the international body's aid group for them Palestinian landlubbers, be havin' ties to the treacherous terrorist crews, as per a Monday tale in the Wall Street Journal. 'Bout 1,200 of these scallywags, 10 percent o' the agency's 12,000 Gazan workers, be linkin' themselves to the likes of Hamas or the Palestinian Islamic Jihad, as shared by the Jewish state o' Israel with them American officials. This be the intelligence, me hearties...
January 30, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrr! A scurvy dog drone, set afloat by Iranian miscreants, didst slay three valiant U.S. sailors. It did cunningly approach a base in Jordan while a U.S. drone made its way back, evading all detection. The attackers, salty members of an Iran-backed pirate crew, spied a chance and took full advantage, by Davy Jones' locker! This brazen attack hath escalated the situation mightily in the Middle East, arrr!
January 30, 2024, 4:59 am
Arr, the U.S. be failin' to thwart a fearsome assault on an American military outpost in Jordan! A scurvy enemy drone be approachin' its prey whilst a U.S. drone be headin' back to base. 'Twas a right pickle, as the returnin' drone caused a great ruckus, leavin' the officials wonderin' if the oncomin' drone be a matey or a scurvy foe. The inquiry be in its early stages, mind ye. The villainous drone be launched from Iraq by a militia backed by...
January 30, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis bein' said that a rogue drone, laden with explosives, didst sneak past the defenses by tailin' a drone returnin' to the base. 'Twas a deadly blast that didst occur near Jordan's Tower 22 base, takin' the lives of three brave U.S. sailors, an' causin' injuries to many more. Aye, 'tis a grim day on the high seas!
January 30, 2024, 3:12 am
Arrr! Three scallywags - an Iranian rogue and two Canadian buccaneers - be accused of conspirin' to pay for and carry out a dastardly murder-for-hire plot against a pair o' landlubbers in Maryland. The Department of Justice be settin' the indictment upon 49-year-old Naji Sharifi Zindashti from Iran, 43-year-old Damion Patrick John Ryan from Canada, and 29-year-old Adam Richard Pearson, another Canadian scalawag. They be accused of plottin' together betwixt December 2020 and March 2021 to send their victims to Davy Jones' locker...
January 29, 2024, 3:58 am
Arr, by Davy Jones' locker! Nasser Kanaani, the matey from the Iranian Foreign Ministry, be denyin' any involvement from Tehran in that blasted drone attack on the US base in Jordan. 'Twas the scurvy dogs from the Islamic Resistance in Iraq, them Islamist Shia militias, who took credit for the strike on Tower 22! President Joe Biden be callin' 'em "radical Iran-backed"! Shiver me timbers!
January 29, 2024, 3:55 am
Arr, Iran be denyin' any hand in the drone attack on a US base near Jordan's border with Syria. Three brave US troops be lost, and many injured, blamed on radical Iranian-backed seafarers. President Biden be swearin' revenge, claimin' "We shall answer." 'Tis the first time US troops be fallin' since Hamas's assault on Israel. Other attacks be happenin' on US bases, but none like this afore Sunday...
January 29, 2024, 3:48 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs be thinkin' that Iran be the culprit behind the dastardly drone strike that sent three fine US soldiers to Davy Jones' locker! But mark me words, ye landlubbers, Tehran be denyin' any involvement in this treacherous deed! They claim there be a conflict betwixt US forces and resistance groups in the region, with retaliatory attacks bein' the order of the day!
January 29, 2024, 2:47 am
Arr, Japan be joinin' a crew o' countries on Sunday, decidin' to cut off the gold doubloons they be givin' to the United Nations Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA) for Palestine Refugees. They be claimin' concerns 'bout the scallywags from the agency joinin' in on the Oct. 7 terror attack on Israel. The U.S., Germany, U.K., Canada, and a handful o' other countries be also puttin' a hold on their fundin' for now. Arr, Israel be showin' evidence that a dozen o' the scurvy dogs from the organization be involved in the mischief in Gaza...
January 27, 2024, 9:45 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! 'Twas a mighty hullabaloo on Thursday, as word spread that ol' Mitch McConnell, the cap'n of the Senate GOP, be sowing doubt 'bout a deal fer border security and aid to Ukraine and Israel. Them Republicans be cryin' foul later, claimin' the tales be overblown. But mark me words, me hearties, McConnell be speakin' true! Fer there be treacherous waters ahead, and he be warnin' his mates 'bout the perilous choice they face in this dire hour, both on our shores and beyond. Arrr!
January 27, 2024, 9:40 am
Verily, ye must commend former cap'n Trump. Betwixt his court appearances and scurvy RINO attacks, he hath found time to let loose a volley upon the border. Yet, unbeknownst to him, he mayhap undermine Texas's fight against President Biden's treachery, whilst granting Senate Republicans an excuse to parlay with Biden and welcome a horde of lawless stowaways. 'Tis a tale fit for a few Truth Socials... Arrr!
January 27, 2024, 9:30 am
Avast ye, mateys! The mighty Congress be gabbin' about border deals, but in one matter they be sailin' backwards: The 'dreamers,' them scallywags who sailed to this land as wee ones, be left out of the chat. Arr, since the first version o' the Dream Act sailed the high seas almost a quarter-century ago, support for these young souls who be true Americans at heart, but not on parchment, be a rare glimmer of harmony amidst all the bickering. Almost every immigration compromise..."
January 27, 2024, 8:36 am
Arrr, mateys! The good Governor Greg Abbott be chattin' with Tucker Carlson on the morrow, proclaimin' that he be raisin' more border barriers to keep out the scallywags. "Our heads be down, workin' even if the Biden crew be doin' nothin'!" he cried. And if that Biden fella tries to snatch our Texas National Guard, well, he be in for a world of hurt, aye! That be a foolish move, a proper disaster. But fret not, me hearties, we be prepared...
January 26, 2024, 5:46 pm
Avast ye, mateys! The old sea dog, Former President Donald Trump, be settin' sail fer another grand victory o'er his rival Nikki Haley in the year 2024. This time, 'tis in her very own home port of South Carolina, as revealed by a new poll, arrr! Aye, Trump, bein' a seasoned 77-year-old sea captain, be enjoyin' a wallopin' 58% support from likely voters in the Palmetto State GOP primary, which be happenin' on the 24th of February. This be no small feat, me hearties! The survey from the American Promise and the Tyson Group be bringin' this news. As for Haley, a sprightly 52-year-old lass, she be havin' a modest 31% o' the support, while a confused 11% be claimin' they be unsure who to stand by in this battle of the political seas. By Davy Jones' locker! Trump be dominatin' Haley amongst all political factions and age groups, 'cept for a sneaky bunch known as self-... (to be continued by you, savvy pirate!)
January 26, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale worth tellin'! The Biden crew be causin' quite the commotion with their news o' puttin' a hold on the approval o' liquefied natural gas exports. Climate activists be cheerin', but the energy market be left in a state o' uncertainty. Yet fear not, me mateys, for the U.S. shan't be losin' its crown as the king o' LNG exports anytime soon. They be merely takin' some time to update their paperwork, delayin' decisions on new exports to non-free trade agreement countries. The Energy Department be workin' hard to make sure all be shipshape and proper. Avast!
January 26, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On Friday, Alabama be offerin' a helpin' hand to me mateys in other U.S. states who be lookin' to send scallywags to Davy Jones' locker usin' the breath stealin' power o' nitrogen gas. Aye, they be showin' off this shiny new method by sendin' Kenneth Smith, a prisoner accused o' murderin' in 1988, to meet his fate. But that be not all! The state be promisin' more to come, with 43 other souls on death row choosin' asphyxiation o'er lethal injections since the method got the stamp o' approval back in 2018. Alabama claims this be a "humane" way to send souls to the afterlife, but methinks it be a matter up for debate.
January 26, 2024, 5:22 pm
"Avast, ye scurvy dogs! The scallywag Trump be vowing to fight back like a true buccaneer after a jury be makin' him cough up a mighty sum of $83.3 million fer defamin' the fair maiden E. Jean Carroll. 'Tis all a blarney, says he, and he be settin' sail on a grand appeal against this Biden Directed Witch Hunt. The legal system be naught but a pack of bilge rats, says he, wieldin' it as a weapon to tarnish the Republican Party. They be takin'..."
January 26, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, the World Court be givin' orders to Israel, tellin' 'em to put a stop to acts of genocide while they be battlin' them scurvy Hamas sea dogs in the Gaza Strip. But they be not askin' for a ceasefire straightaway, mateys! They ruled on a case brought by South Africa, sayin' Israel must make sure their forces don't be commitin' genocide, and take steps to better the situation for them poor Palestinian souls in the enclave. In the ruling, 15 of the 17 judges on the International Court of Justice (ICJ)...
January 26, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties, the whole world be spyin' as a crew of 17 judges at the International Court of Justice (ICJ)—the highest court of the United Nations—listened to arguments this month 'bout whether Israel be commitin' genocide against the scallywag Palestinians durin' the ongoing rumble in Gaza, in a case brought forward by South Africa. Today, in a grand interim order, the court declared that South Africa has legal standin' and ordered Israel to “take all measures within its power” to prevent acts of...
January 26, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The International Court o' Justice be not orderin' a ceasefire nor be chargin' Israel with genocide on a fateful Friday. 'Twas South Africa who brought forth the charges in The Hague concernin' Israel's war with Hamas in Gaza. Yet, the decision left supporters of Israel in a state o' utter dismay, claimin' it to be an absurdity! After the ruling, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu declared Israel's commitment to international law and its own right to defend itself.
January 26, 2024, 11:04 am
A score of scallywags who toiled for the United Nations relief agency, fixated on those Palestinians, be said to have had a hand in the dastardly attack by the likes of Hamas in the land of Israel! The grand Commissioner-General of the United Nations Relief and Works Agency, Philippe Lazzarini, declared on a fine Friday that these miscreants, whom the Israeli authorities have pointed their fingers at, have been given the ol' heave-ho! And a thorough investigation shall ensue, to keep the Agency's powers intact, mind ye!
January 26, 2024, 5:50 am
In a jolly parley this week, ye fine MSNBC host Joy Reid did boldly propose that wee lads and lasses be granted access to scandalous tomes in their halls of learnin'. Yar, even books with tales of ravishin' and kinfolk lovin'! Arr! This fine discourse occurred on Reid's broadcast, as she chatted with the fair Tiffany Justice, a founder of Moms for Liberty, 'bout the queer-friendly book "All Boys Aren't Blue." As Townhall has afore reported, this here book be a memoir penned by the LGBTQ+ champion George Johnson, filled with explicit yarns...
January 26, 2024, 5:38 am
Arr! MSNBC's Joy Reid be havin' a jolly skirmish with Moms for Liberty's co-founder, Tiffany Justice, on ye age-old dispute of which tomes be fit for public schools. The liberal lass started by askin' Justice, who be keen on protectin' "parental rights," whether them "liberal" parents, "African American" parents, and "LGBTQ" parents possess such rights. Justice held her ground and declared that all parents be havin' those rights. Then, Reid pressed on, wonderin' why a small band o' activist parents...
January 26, 2024, 5:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The good host Ali Velshi be sharin' a mighty fine tale 'bout a lass named Tiffany Justice, who hath a fondness fer utterin' the word "dildo." Aye, she be chattin' 'pon the telly with the fair Joy Reid, defendin' her crew's quest to ban smutty books in schools. And by Davy Jones' locker, she couldn't resist sayin' the word "dildo" four times in a measly four minutes! Aye, what a tale, me mateys!
January 25, 2024, 7:00 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Haleon be recallin' its cursed cough medicines to the farthest corners o' the land! Beware, me hearties, for eight lots o' Robitussin Honey CF Max Day Adult and Robitussin Honey CF Max Nighttime Adult be tainted with foul microbes! The cursed syrup may bring harm to the weakened, who may face a perilous fate...
January 25, 2024, 5:02 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A Canadian court be reckonin' that Cap'n Justin Trudeau, usin' the Emergencies Act, did wrong by puttin' an end to a mighty truck convoy protest in the fine capital, Ottawa. They be sayin' it be an unjust infringement on civil rights, like bein' searched without reason or havin' yer voice suppressed! The court be also reckonin' that freezin' the bank accounts of them protestin' folk be just as unjust! Shiver me timbers!
January 25, 2024, 5:01 pm
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! A scurvy federal judge be declarin' that Canada's usage o' emergency powers to quell the rebellious Freedom Convoy protests be "unreasonable" and unjustified! Blimey, he be sayin' it violated Canada's rights charter as well! But fear not, me hearties, for the government be fightin' back! They be settin' sail fer an appeal! The Emergencies Act be grantin' 'em extra powers in times o' crisis. Cap'n Justin Trudeau invoked it on 14 February 2022, three weeks into the scallywag protests...
January 25, 2024, 5:00 pm
Ye scurvy dog, Justin Trudeau be a master o' political survival, but even a buccaneer with a feeble legacy would have been tossed overboard by now. Yet, it seems our mate Trudeau be in dire straits, and now the Canadian Federal Court be handin' down a verdict that be sure to give him a taste o' the devil's own luck. They be sayin' his actions and measures when wieldin' the Emergencies Act be against the Canadian...
January 25, 2024, 1:51 pm
Arr, ye scallywags! This here Charlie Kirk be stirrin' up quite the tempest o' racial ruckus on his wee show. By Davy Jones' locker, he had the audacity to spout nonsense 'bout bein' scared o' black pilots! Twas a foolish attempt to censure the Left's DEI, a scheme promotin' folks based on their hide color. Blimey!
January 25, 2024, 11:52 am
Arr, me hearties! The booty-filled land of America be thrivin' as the year 2023 comes to a close. The economy be growin' at a jolly pace, with unemployment stayin' low and inflation takin' a chill pill. By Davy Jones' locker, even the feared recession never showed its scurvy face! The Commerce Department be reportin' that the Gross Domestic Product, accountin' for inflation, be growin' at a rate of 3.3 percent in the last quarter. 'Tis a bit down from the previous quarter, but it be exceedin' all the fancy forecasters' predictions, provin' the resilience of the landlubbers.
January 25, 2024, 11:47 am
Arr, Sen. Mitt Romney, a scurvy dog from the land o' Utah, be takin' aim at former Cap'n Trump! He be sayin' that Trump be pushin' his fellow swashbucklin' Republicans to oppose a border deal, all fer the sake o' campaignin' against Cap'n Biden in the 2024 election. Romney, in his own words, be sayin' it be "really appalling" that Trump be tryin' to hinder any progress in tacklin' the surge o' migration at the southern border.
January 25, 2024, 6:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! The great Federal Aviation Administration be sendin' a message to ol' Boeing Co. today. No more expandin' production o' them Max airplanes, says they, after a mighty blowout in-flight grounded a whole bunch o' them for inspections. And now they be investigatin' if the scallywags at Boeing be followin' proper manufacturin' protocols. But fear not, me maties! The agency also gave their approval for a thorough inspection process to get them grounded jets back up in the skies. Avast! The stock o' Boeing, ol' BA, has taken a 2.7% dive in premarket tradin'. "The exhaustive,..." (Word count: 64)
January 25, 2024, 6:33 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Me heart be filled with astonishment as I heard tale of this judge's decree in the land of Ventura. Bryn Spejcher, a lass of merely 33 summers, did imbibe the devil's lettuce in the year of our lord 2018. She then proceeded to pierce her scurvy-ridden lover with a blade over a hundred times, and even her own loyal canine companion felt the sting of her treacherous knife. Ah, the madness!
January 25, 2024, 3:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The resignation o' Arizona GOP Cap'n Jeff DeWit, after a leaked parley 'twixt him and Kari Lake over offerin' her doubloons to keep clear o' the U.S. Senate race, revealed a scurvy spat betwixt two Trump supporters in th' state party. DeWit, who sailed with th' ex-president in his first two campaigns, and Lake, a bold media matey for Trump, be at odds, ye see. DeWit walked the plank from his chairmanship in th' Arizona GOP after an audio scroll was posted online by the...
January 25, 2024, 3:45 am
Arrr! The speaker o' Hungary's parliament hath declared on Thursday that there be no hurry to grant Sweden's wish o' joinin' the NATO. The process be delayed, with only Budapest playin' the hold-up game, after Turkey gave its seal o' approval. The Turkish assembly, where President Tayyip Erdogan's gang holds sway, voted 287-55 to give Sweden the nod, as they be seekin' more security in light o' Russia's invasion o' Ukraine. For Sweden to join, there be still some requirements..."
January 25, 2024, 3:41 am
Arr, me hearties! New York City be labelin' social media as a foul "environmental toxin," blamin' it fer drivin' the poor teens mad as sea monkeys. Mayor Eric Adams be swearin' to protect the young'uns from Big Tech's treacherous clutches, claimin' to be the first major American city to treat social media like cursed guns and tobacco. But beware, mateys! Some scallywags be shoutin' hypocrisy as Adams himself makes this declaration on the very platform he decries. The seas be churnin', and the debate rages on...
January 25, 2024, 3:33 am
Avast ye scallywags! CNN landlubber Van Jones be sayin' that Cap'n Joe Biden should be hidin' from the public view if he wants to be winnin' the election in 2024, for he be lackin' in inspirement and messengerin' skills. Arr!
January 24, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arrr! In Manassas, Virginia, Cap'n Biden and First Mate Kamala be sailin' their reelection ship, flyin' the flag o' abortion rights. A grand rally it were, but cursed be the moment, fer a band o' pro-Palestinian troublemakers stormed aboard! Cap'n Biden, encircled by loyal crew bearin' signs o' "Defend Choice" and "Restore Roe," stepped upon the stage. But afore a minute had passed, a scallywag protested, shoutin', "How many wee ones have ye sent to Davy Jones' Locker?"
January 24, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arrgh, ye scurvy Republicans be scowlin' at that scallywag Chuck Schumer, the Majority Leader of the Senate, for his blabber 'bout them young'uns gettin' hooked on them Zyn nicotine pouches. The New York news be buzzin' with stories 'bout Schumer's press gab, where he be shoutin' 'bout how Zyn shouldn't be peddlin' to the wee ones. He be demandin' the government take action and told tales of them "Zynfluencers" who be usin' the pouches to boost their online personas. "It be a pouch o' troubles, mateys – with sky-high levels o' nicotine," said Schumer. Arrgh, these be turbulent times indeed!
January 24, 2024, 4:17 pm
Arrr, mateys! President Joe Biden's grand victory in New Hampshire, despite his absence on the ballot and lackin' support in the polls, be a clear sign that them Democrats be mighty fired up fer their likely candidate, the fair lass from Massachusetts, Senator Elizabeth Warren, as she be tellin' Newsweek. Though Biden be pretty much assured of his party's nomination for the next election, there be a wee chance he could be bested in New Hampshire due to the Democratic National Committee's decision in 2022 to be movin' their first-in-the-nation primary from the Granite State to...
January 24, 2024, 3:19 pm
Cap'n Joe Biden be receivin' a jolly good endorsement from the United Auto Workers, mateys! The union's president, Shawn Fain, be tearin' into that scallywag Donald Trump, markin' his support for Cap'n Biden's reelection at the conference in Washington, D.C. Aarrr, some folks be wantin' to turn a blind eye to this election, but others be keen on quarrelin' endlessly about...
January 24, 2024, 10:29 am
Arrr, me hearties! Russia's Defense Ministry be claimin' that them scurvy dogs from Ukraine be shootin' down a mighty transport vessel, sendin' all 74 souls, includin' 65 prisoners of war, to Davy Jones' locker! The landlubber Ukrainian officials be keepin' mum 'bout this tale, but they say they be investigatin' the matter. The Associated Press couldn't reckon who be onboard or what caused the ship to meet its watery grave.
January 24, 2024, 10:26 am
Arr, ye scallywags! A Russian warship o' the skies, carryin' 65 captive Ukrainian buccaneers, be gone to Davy Jones' locker in Russia's Belgorod region near Ukraine, as claimed by the Defense Ministry. Six crew members and three other souls be aboard, too. The calamity struck at 11 a.m. but the reason be a mystery. The authorities be investigatin' while a special...
January 24, 2024, 10:23 am
Arr, a tale of confusion be brewin'! The Russkies claim 65 landlubbers from Ukraine were aboard the Il-76, sailin' it to Belgorod for a prisoner exchange. But alas, the plane met its watery grave near Yablonovo village. Avast, it be 11.00 Moscow time when this tragedy hath befallen!
January 24, 2024, 8:56 am
Avast ye! The scallywag Trump be rejoicin' in his conquest in New Hampshire, but not without a hearty tirade against that impostor, Nikki Haley, and the governor who be supportin' her! In a sudden change o' heart, Trump be tearin' into Haley for claimin' that the GOP battle be far from over, despite her shameful defeat to the former president in New Hampshire. Blast her!
January 24, 2024, 5:25 am
Arr, the land of the free be settin' its sights on the scurvy dogs of Iran! The US be launchin' airstrikes to teach those swashbucklin' Iranian-backed militias a lesson. Three hideouts be 'sploded, makin' 'em think twice afore messin' with Uncle Sam. Avast, ye mateys, this be an answer to their insolent attacks!
January 24, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! A blasted Russian Ilyushin-76 transport plane done crashed in the southern Belgorod region, just near Ukraine. The Russian ministry o' defence be claimin' that 65 captured Ukrainian military were aboard, on their way fer a prisoner exchange. Can't rightly verify any o' this, me hearties! Ria Novosti be sayin' there be another nine souls on board, includin' six crew. Ukraine's general staff, as quoted by the Ukrainska Pravda website, be sayin'...
January 24, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The Liberal government be thinkin' they can invoke the Emergencies Act to quell the 2022 Freedom Convoy protests, but the Federal Court be sayin' they be actin' unreasonably, unjustly, and violatin' the Charter! Justice Mosley be makin' it clear that while these protests be causin' some harm, they don't be posin' a threat to national security. Take that, ye landlubbers!
January 23, 2024, 9:22 pm
Former Cap'n Donald Trump be doin' it again, aye! Eight days after he be sendin' his competition to Davy Jones' locker in Iowa's meager Republican presidential caucuses, Trump be makin' short work of Nikki Haley - his last worthy rival for the GOP nomination - in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday. Fox News be forecastin' Trump's victory just a wee bit after the final polls be closed in New Hampshire. "I be mighty honored by this outcome," Trump be tellin' Fox News Digital's Brooke Singman in a message. Arrr!
January 23, 2024, 3:05 pm
On this fine Tuesday, the aforementione'r captain, Donald Trump, be settin' sail in the grandest primary of 'em all! 'Tis a sight to behold, as he be on th' verge o' claimin' victory 'n squashin' all resistance within his crew to challenge President Biden once more.
January 23, 2024, 2:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On Tuesday, the Turkey's Parliament voted aye to let Sweden join the mighty NATO crew. This be makin' the Nordic land a wee bit closer to sailin' with the military alliance, mendin' the strained Turkey-US mateyship, and helpin' the West gang up on Russia for its skirmish in Ukraine. 'Twas a close call, with 287 ayes, 55 nays, and four poor souls abstainin'. Once it be printed in the official gazette, this here decision shall finally take sail!
January 23, 2024, 1:45 pm
Governor Greg Abbott, a fearsome matey from Texas, be swearin' to keep fightin' for his state's rightful claim to guard the southern border! Them scallywags in the Supreme Court be takin' the side of the Biden crew, allowin' them federal officials to slice through our razor wire and let them bilge rats sneak in. But fear not, Texas be filin' a lawsuit! Arrr, we won't back down!
January 23, 2024, 1:44 pm
Avast ye! A bunch o' landlubber chaps in Massachusetts be arguin' 'bout removin' Cap'n Donald Trump from the 2024 ballot due to his role in that riot at the Capitol. But the ballot law commission be sayin' it ain't their place to decide. Arrr, a grand triumph for Cap'n Trump, as he be facin' similar challenges from other states. Aye, the 14th Amendment be quite the thorn in his side!
January 23, 2024, 11:08 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis true that after spoutin' his usual yarns 'bout a wall 'n drillin' for oil, that former Cap'n Donald Trump be addin' a new chant to his speeches. He be promisin' to build a grand contraption like Israel's Iron Dome, but aye, better 'n spread across the entire U.S. Me hearties, he be shoutin', "We shall construct an Iron Dome o'er our land, a mighty missile defense shield, all crafted in the USA! 'Tis high time we had one, methinks." Now listen close, for I shall...
January 23, 2024, 10:56 am
Arr! Arr! The Mossad Chief, David Barnea, be makin' a proposal to give safe passage to them scallywag leaders of Hamas, the masterminds behind the savage Oct. 7 massacre of over 1,200 noble Israelis. As part of a grand cease-fire treaty, mind ye! CNN claims Barnea hasn't mentioned the names of these rapscallions, but 'tis said the main scoundrels be Yahya Sinwar and Mohammed Deif, lurkin' in the...
January 23, 2024, 10:53 am
Arr! Avast ye, me hearties! The Doomsday Clock be officially reset and shall stay at a measly 90 seconds afore midnight. This decision be made by the Bulletin's Science and Security Board, along with their fancy Board of Sponsors, includin' nine Nobel laureates. The stroke of midnight be a symbol of doom, ye see, meant to warn us of the dangers facin' humanity and our dear planet.
January 23, 2024, 10:41 am
Avast ye, me hearties! The treacherous waters of New Hampshire be plagued with Deepfakes, arr! Aye, these scoundrels be sendin' messages to me shipmates claimin' to be the mighty President Biden, tryin' to dissuade 'em from votin'! Blast! 'Tis pure malarkey, says the recording, urg'd them to hoard their votes for November! Nay, me brethren, ye mustn't fall fer this trickery! Cast yer votes on Tuesday, or ye'll be helpin' the scurvy Republicans in their mission to bring back Donald Trump! Yer vote be mighty, arr!
January 23, 2024, 5:56 am
Avast ye, scurvy dogs! On Monday, a fearsome battle raged in Gaza, claimin' the lives of twenty-four courageous Israelite soldiers. 'Twas the deadliest day for the valiant Israel Defense Forces since this grand war commenced. Rear Admiral Daniel Hagari, a honorable matey from the Israeli military, revealed to ye reporters on Tuesday that twenty-one brave souls met their fate in a mighty blast. Those cursed scallywags from Hamas launched their vile rocket-propelled grenades at our sturdy tank, causin' mayhem and destruction. But lo and behold, a second explosion erupted in two buildings nearby! Our gallant forces had planted explosives to eradicate those foul structures, but alas, the timing proved most unfortunate. The chaos and calamity befallin' our heroes were a sight to behold!
January 23, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! On Monday, a score of Israeli landlubbers met their unfortunate end in the battle-ridden southern Gaza Strip. A fearsome blast caused two mighty structures to crumble, trapping the poor souls inside. 'Tis said that these mighty edifices were being prepared for destruction by the valiant soldiers themselves, when scallywag Palestinian gunners aimed their RPGs at a secured tank. A second mighty explosion ensued, mayhaps from another RPG, leading to the buildings' devastation. 'Twas the most harrowing event of its kind since...
January 23, 2024, 5:52 am
Avast ye! On this fateful day, Israel's valiant warriors hath suffered a grievous blow, as 21 o' their own were sent to Davy Jones' locker in a single attack in the treacherous Gaza Strip. 'Twas the deadliest day fer these brave souls since the 7th day of October. As told by the swashbucklin' spokesman, Daniel Hagari, the scurvy dogs o' Hamas unleashed a fearsome rocket-propelled grenade upon a tank, near the very buildings where our heroes were takin' refuge. 'Tis a sad day indeed. Yet, in the face o' adversity, the Israeli military dispatched countless scallywag Palestinian fighters over the past 24 hours.
January 23, 2024, 5:11 am
Avast ye mateys! The French healthcare scallywag, Sanofi, be snatchin' up the treasure known as INBRX-101 from its parent, Inhibrx Inc. They be payin' a mighty sum of $2.2 billion to bolster their rare disease business. The deal be includin' $30 per share in gold, a wee bit o' $5 in additional riches, and a share in the new ship, New Inhibrx. Arrr, the pirates be sailin' for new horizons!
January 22, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr! Iranian-backed scallywags have struck again, me hearties! Two brave U.S. sailors be wounded at Al-Asad Air Base in western Iraq by these landlubber militias. 'Tis a grand total o' 150 attacks they've launched since mid-October against our lads fightin' the Islamic State. Many a sailor be injured, and in this Saturday's raid, two U.S. troops and an Iraqi matey be harmed. The lass from the Pentagon says...
January 22, 2024, 4:14 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Ford's F-150 Lightning truck be a sight to behold at the Celebrity of Toms River dealership, shiny and fair. But alas, this fine vessel seems destined to stay put upon our lot. Young Veronica Maoli, the lass who deals in Fords, laments the troubles we face. Charging be a concern, ye see, for these commercial companies. They be not keen on spendin' their precious time to charge. Arr!
January 22, 2024, 4:12 pm
Arrr, mateys! Be it known that the explosive papers that could scuttle the case of election fraud against Donald Trump in Georgia have been ordered to be cracked open by a judge on Monday. These here documents hold evidence of the Fulton County District Attorney, Fani Willis, and her "improper" dalliances with Nathan Wade, the special prosecutor who be bringin' forth the charges. They be showin' credit card charges for their merry voyages to Miami and California. The tale of their alleged romance be first revealed in a filing...
January 22, 2024, 4:10 pm
Arrr! Methinks the yuan be in troubled waters, mateys! China's mighty state-owned banks be swingin' into action, tightenin' the gold doubloons in the offshore forex market, whilst sellin' their precious U.S. dollar booty on the mainland. Aye, they be wantin' to keep the yuan from plungin' too swiftly as the A shares be takin' a nosedive, with the Shanghai Composite index postin' its largest drop since April 2022, down a hefty 2.7%.
January 22, 2024, 9:00 am
Arr, the Yanks be givin' up on findin' them two Navy SEALs lost at sea! Aye, they were on a mission to stop them Iranian weapons from reachin' them scallywag militants in Yemen. The risks be clear, mateys - this chaotic violence be spreadin' in the Middle East, with Israel's scuffle in Gaza. The U.S. Central Command admits defeat after a 10-day search. "They be sleepin' with Davy Jones now," they say.
January 22, 2024, 8:58 am
Avast ye scurvy sea dogs! Tidings have reached me quivering timbers that them two U.S. Navy SEALs who ventured into the treacherous Gulf of Aden have yet to be found. Arrr, 'tis a sad tale indeed. The blimey officials be sayin' they be deceased, after searchin' high 'n low. We shall raise our mugs o' grog in their memory, for they be true warriors of the briny deep.
January 22, 2024, 8:58 am
Avast ye, me hearties! 'Tis a sad tale o' two brave Navy SEALs who be missin' at sea off the coast o' Somalia. Their search be called off, says U.S. Central Command. These buccaneers were on a mission huntin' down Iranian weapons for them Houthi rebels. They be climbin' a ladder to...
January 22, 2024, 8:43 am
Aye, me hearties! On the third year since leavin' his White House perch, that scallywag Trump be sailin' the political seas, aimin' to clear the path fer his third nomination. He be takin' swipes at Nikki Haley, that former governor from South Carolina, and remindin' his loyal crew not to rest on their laurels afore the New Hampshire primary. "We need a grand victory to show our unity," bellowed Trump at a rally in Manchester. But alas, for over an hour and a half, Trump kept on talkin'...
January 21, 2024, 4:17 pm
Ron DeSantis be walkin' the plank on his presidential campaign, sayin' "Yo ho ho, I be supportin' Captain Trump for the White House in 2024!" Poor Nikki Haley, she be takin' a hard hit! With only two days left 'til the New Hampshire battle, DeSantis shouted his decision in a video on the social seas, claimin' he be prayin' and ponderin' 'bout his fate after comin' second in them Iowa caucuses. "I can't be askin' our supporters to..."
January 21, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, me mateys! Cap'n Ron DeSantis, the hard-right governor of Florida, be settin' sail on his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination, and be throwin' his support behind Donald Trump. “It be clear to me that a majority o' Republican primary voters be willin' to give Donald Trump another chance,” he spake in a statement posted on X. “He be havin' me endorsement, for we can't be goin' back to the old Republican guard of yesteryear, a repackaged form of warmed over corporatism that Nikki Haley be representin'." DeSantis be abandonin' ship in the days ahead o'...
January 21, 2024, 4:14 pm
Arrr, mateys! Gov. Ron DeSantis hath decided to abandon ship in the quest for the presidency. With nary a chance to best the infamous Donald Trump, he be throwin' his support behind the scallywag himself. The voters be yearnin' to grant Trump a second shot, says DeSantis. Aye, tis a wise decision indeed, me hearties!
January 21, 2024, 12:22 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Thankfully, the squabbling o'er the COVID cure has quieted. The scurvy 'Karens' be hidin' in their shadowy dens. The world be open once more, and only the truly cracked be wearin' masks. Them weirdos and Democrats be clingin' to their cursed social distance rules that did nothin'! But mark me words, the hullabaloo 'bout the vaccine be eternal. We were deceived 'bout its mighty powers. The craziness 'bout the demands even turned some o' the world's finest athletes into...
January 21, 2024, 4:47 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs at the Oregon secretary of state's office be employin' some fancy contraption called 'artificial intelligence' to sniff out election fraud in the year 2022. They be callin' it mis-, dis-, and malinformation, or MDM fer short. They be thinkin' of usin' it again this year, just like them Arizona landlubbers be monitorin' election info on the interwebs. But ye know what, mateys? They be facin' a lawsuit already, har har!
January 21, 2024, 4:46 am
Arrr! The good Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina hath thrown his hat in the ring with the great Donald Trump! Aye, 'tis a blow to Nikki Haley, who hails from the same land. 'Twas on a stage in New Hampshire where Scott, a gentle soul, declared his allegiance to the former president, with Trump himself standing tall behind him. "We be requirin' a president who shall secure our southern borders..."
January 21, 2024, 4:44 am
Arr, me hearties! NATO be musterin' a grand army o' 90,000 scallywags fer its grandest battle yet since the Cold War! They be callin' this here affair Steadfast Defender 2024, with a fleet o' at least 1,100 fierce carriages, 80 flyin' contraptions, and 50 naval ships from all 31 NATO brethren, includin' Sweden bein' a potential matey. This quest be settin' sail next week 'n won't cease 'til May, as proclaimed by NATO's Supreme Allied Commander at a gatherin' o' the press on Thursday. The reason fer this grand spectacle be the constant threat o' Russia, as many a European leader be warnin' us.
January 21, 2024, 4:32 am
Arr, me hearties! F. Scott Fitzgerald, that clever scallywag, be sayin' that a truly smart scoundrel can hold two thoughts at once and still be useful. But ye see, his own tale of woe in "The Crack-Up" be provin' that he couldn't do it himself, endin' up as a drunken mess. Now, this here American crack-up be sailin' on the same troubled waters. Picture a...
January 20, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, the scallywags from Israel be claimin' to have struck Damascus, takin' down the Iranian Revolutionary Guards' brainiac leader for Syria and his mateys, along with two other Guards members. Aye, the news be sayin' that at least five souls met their end in this here attack. Nour News be..."
January 20, 2024, 11:26 am
Arr, me hearties be waggin' their tongues 'bout Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, as his actions durin' the war in Gaza be raisin' eyebrows among the current and former members of the Israeli government. War Cabinet matey Gadi Eisenkot be speakin' up, claimin' that them officials who be boastin' 'bout completely crushin' Hamas in northern Gaza be spewin' nought but falsehoods. Aye, somethin' smells fishy in these waters...
January 20, 2024, 11:25 am
Arr, a fearsome matey from Israel's war cabinet be accusing Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of spewin' tales 'bout the military goals in Gaza! The scallywag Netanyahu be rejectin' the US wish fer a future Palestinian state and swearin' the offensive shall persist 'til complete victory! But ol' Gadi Eisenkot, a retired general who lost his own blood in the fight, claims those callin' fer the "absolute defeat" of Hamas be naught but liars! The plot thickens, me hearties!
January 20, 2024, 11:24 am
Hagar Brodutch, a brave lass, be plagued by countless memories o' her 51 days in the clutches o' those foul Hamas dogs. But the most heart-wrenchin' be teachin' her wee ones to weep without makin' a peep. "Ain't no wee lad o' four capable o' cryin' in silence," she shared with NBC News. 'Twas young Uriah, and little Avigail Idan, a mere three summers old, whose parents bein' slaughtered afore her eyes. Brodutch, fierce and forty, 'twas held captive by a pack o' Palestinian scoundrels...
January 20, 2024, 5:23 am
Arr, me hearties! Them Democrats be aimin' to recreate the success o' abortion politics in th' 2022 midterms, by wooing a mighty crew o' voters who reckon overturnin' Roe v. Wade be goin' too far. The party o' President Biden did surpassin' well in th' midterms, mostly 'cause voters wanted to see Democrats restore federal reproductive rights. They be hopin' this matter still be weighin' on voters' minds. "Them Democrats be holdin' onto it as a key part o' their plan, me mateys..."
January 20, 2024, 5:21 am
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs at the National Institutes of Health be havin' a hard time keepin' their COVID-19 secrets under lock and key. Leaks be springin' up like a rampant storm, with Congress and the Freedom of Information Act nippin' at their heels. But even if these officials be tryin' to keep things in the dark, their dirty deeds keep bein' exposed for all to see. And that's not the only thing that be scarin' those federal scientists! Them Chinese rogues claim they be tamperin' with a virus that be killin' poor lab mice faster than a cannonball. Arr, it be a treacherous sea we be sailin' in, me hearties!
January 20, 2024, 5:18 am
Avast, me hearties! Methinks Nathan Wade, the scallywag prosecutor appointed by Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis, be buyin' plane tickets for trips with the lass herself, according to them credit card statements. Aye, a co-defendant, Michael Roman, be cryin' foul play, claimin' they be up to no good! Arrr, what a tale!
January 20, 2024, 5:09 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Hear ye, hear ye! Methinks Chris Christie be sayin' that this Donald Trump be an unlucky scallywag, mateys. But lo and behold! Despite his clumsy ways, this bilge rat manages to find his fortune when it comes to his foes. Aye, many of us have scolded Trump for his vile jabs at Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis, callin' 'em racist and dishonorable. He even accused her of dallyin' with a gang member! But alas, the truth be told, his claim be as false as a siren's song, widely disputed by all. Arr!
January 19, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis bein' told that Fani Willis, the Fulton County district attorney, who be prosecutin' Cap'n Donald Trump, did sail on voyages with the special counsel, all paid for by the hard-earned doubloons of taxpayers! These records be revealed in a divorce case, where it be claimed that there be a forbidden romance between Willis and Nathan Wade, the scurvy prosecutor leadin' the charge against the election meddling in Georgia. Arrr, what a sea of scandal we be sailin' in!
January 19, 2024, 5:36 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Rumor has it that Andrew Yang, a scallywag who be ranked ninth in the 2020 Democratic presidential contest and fourth in New York City's mayoral race, be throwin' his support to Rep. Dean Phillips. "Arr, Joe Biden be a right honorable captain," said Yang, founder o' the Forward Party. "I backed him in 2020 and even fought in his campaign!"
January 19, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, mateys! A scurvy report from the Government Accountability Office (GAO) be revealin' that the bloomin' government be havin' major flaws in trackin' foreign land purchases, puttin' the United States at risk o' national security troubles. The report, as requested by the House Oversight and Accountability Committee and the House Committee on Agriculture, be sayin' that the Department of Agriculture be hoardin' valuable info on foreign investments in agricultural land, and the processes for sharin' this be a right mess... Argh!
January 19, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arr, the S&P 500 be reachin' a new peak on Friday as investors, like a crew o' scallywags, be returnin' to snatch up equities after a wee stumble at the start o' the year. The broad market index be risin' 1.23% to settle at 4,839.81, surpassin' the previous intraday and closin' records from January 2022. In the same vein, the Dow Jones Industrial Average, havin' set its own record last year's end, added 395.19 points, or 1.05%, to end at 37,863.80. Meanwhile, the Nasdaq Composite be advancin' 1.70% to 15, matey!
January 19, 2024, 11:08 am
Arr, me hearties! Rep. Maria Elvira Salazar, a swashbucklin' lady from Florida, gave Rep. Barbara Lee, a scallywag from California, a good ol' heave-ho from a House committee hearin' on the United States and Cuba. Accused her o' spreadin' filthy "communist propaganda," she did! Lee, tryin' to speak on restorin' ties between 'em, was no match for Salazar's journalist skills. Ahoy, what a tale!
January 19, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The Yanks be cheerin' up faster than a barnacle on a ship's hull! The University of Michigan be sayin' that their spirits be jumpin' a mighty 13% in the first half of January, after risin' high in December as well. Aye, the index be surgin' a grand total of 29% since November, like no other in all the years since 1991! This here boost be reachin' all sorts of folks, young and old, rich and poor, smart and not-so-smart, from all corners of the land. Methinks this good news be bringin' us a fine recovery, it be, me hearties!
January 19, 2024, 10:55 am
Arr, President Biden be sailin' smoothly toward the Democratic nomination, while ol' President Donald J. Trump be fixin' to secure his party's support soon. But avast! Our fair land be in a state of bewilderment, me hearties! Some scallywag Republicans reckon Biden be too feeble to lead, reckonin' his own crew might oust him. And many Democrats can't even imagine Mr. Trump... ye know what, I can't even say it without burstin' into laughter!
January 19, 2024, 8:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! A hospital in Denver be cryin' to the local scallywags that it be near sinkin' due to the gold troubles brought by the migrant storm. Denver Health logged a mighty 20,000 visits from 8,000 landlubber migrants in 2023, seekin' aid for ailments from toothaches to troubled thoughts, says the Denver Post. The city reckons more than 36,000 scurvy dogs, mostly Venezuelan, have sailed into the port since December 2022. About half...
January 18, 2024, 6:17 pm
Arrr! Billionaire Mark Cuban be givin' ol' Elon Musk a mighty tongue-lashing over his views on DEI, matey! Musk, sailin' the treacherous seas o' X (the platform once called Twitter), be claimin' that DEI be naught but racism in disguise. Shame on him, says I! When Ed Krassenstein spoke up 'bout DEI's flaws, Musk fired back that discriminating on the basis o' race, as DEI does, be a right absurd notion...
January 18, 2024, 6:12 pm
Arr, me hearties! President Joe Biden's crew be signin' onto a lawsuit challengin' the NCAA's rule over them college athletes on Thursday. It be a mighty blow to the athletic giant's hopes o' gettin' federal protection from Congress. The Justice Department be joinin' a lawsuit brought forth by a group o' state attorneys general, lookin' to overturn the NCAA's restrictions on them poor athletes who be wantin' to transfer between schools. A federal...
January 18, 2024, 6:09 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! NATO be hoistin' its grandest adventure since the Cold War, practicin' how them scurvy U.S. sea dogs can lend a hand to our European mates in lands borderin' Russia, should we be facin' a tussle with a worthy foe. A mighty crew of 90,000 will be joinin' the Steadfast Defender 2024 jolly, set to sail 'til May, as declared by our gallant leader Chris Cavoli. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
January 18, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arr, me hearties! Ye scurvy dogs from the House Oversight and Judiciary committees be shoutin' from the crow's nest that young Hunter Biden shall be settin' foot on deck for a secret chat on Feb. 28. Cap'n Comer and Cap'n Jordan be makin' this grand announcement, claimin' they've already had a parley with other folks from the Biden clan. We can't wait to hear what Hunter has to say, me mateys! Yo ho ho!
January 18, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scallywags! News be afloat 'bout a legal parchment claimin' that Meta's Facebook and Instagram be havin' a dark secret. 'Tis said that as many as 100,000 wee ones be facin' despicable acts of harassment, like portraits of grown-up private parts, upon their daily visit to these treacherous seas. The attorney general of New Mexico be raisin' a storm 'gainst this social media behemoth for not protectin' our young buccaneers.
January 18, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arr, the House scallywags be endin' their impeachment hearings 'gainst Alejandro N. Mayorkas, the homeland security secretary, on Thursday, a wee bit over a week after commencin'. They be rushin' to accuse him o' not upholdin' the country's immigration laws. The rapscallions be movin' forward without any proof that Mr. Mayorkas has committed grave crimes or misdemeanors, the constitutional rule fer impeachment, all in a bid to boot 'im out fer his immigration policies they be disputin'...
January 18, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye, matey! A jolly band of 17 sea dogs, who once sailed under the military banner, have penned a missive to thar cap'n, President Joe Biden. They be warnin' him that his fancy electric vehicle plan be jeopardizin' our fine nation's safety. These old salts be cryin' out to Biden and his scurvy crew in the Environmental Protection Agency that their reckless plan be makin' us dance to China's tune, forcin' us to tamper with our good ol' transportation industry without proper preparations... Arrr!
January 18, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags of Cummins, Daimler Truck, and Paccar be makin' a wager that the freight industry be willin' to trade their diesel fuel pumps for battery chargers. They be plannin' to construct a grand battery factory worth a mighty $2 billion in Mississippi. The shipmates aim to produce batteries for commercial trucks, mateys! This joint venture shall commence producin' battery cells by 2027. Yo ho ho!
January 18, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) were about to raise the alarm to the landlubber state and local officials 'bout the link betwixt heart inflammation and them cursed COVID-19 vaccines. But, by Davy Jones' locker, they be holdin' their tongues and not sendin' the alert! A new scroll from The Epoch Times reveals the truth, mateys! All four of them COVID-19 vaccines in the good ol' United States be havin' the power to cause heart inflammation, or what ye call myocarditis. There be studies and so-called experts and even the CDC itself confirm it. The first cases were reported... Avast ye, this be troublin' news indeed!
January 18, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, the Justice Department be deliverin' a scurvy report, me hearties! 'Twas a disgraceful display o' ineptitude by the local police, ye see. Confusion, lack o' courage, and deadly consequences be litterin' these pages, all 575 of 'em! The greatest failure be the officers not recognizin' the shootin' at Robb Elementary as a ruckus caused by an active shooter. They should've swiftly advanced with all their gear, arrr!
January 18, 2024, 10:15 am
Arr, Pakistan be claimin' they fired rockets 'n drones at them separatist Baloch scoundrels in Iran, as a wee revenge for Iran's attack on another group on our land. The Iranian media be blabberin' about missiles hittin' a village, takin' nine lives, includin' four wee bairns. These two lands be havin' a long history of squabblin' but these strikes be the most grand cross-border...
January 18, 2024, 10:14 am
Arr, aye, me hearties! This week, a grand accord was struck to revive tax privileges for businesses and give a wee boost to the wee ones of poorer families. Negotiated by the mighty Sen. Ron Wyden of the OR and the gallant congressman Jason Smith of the MI, this treasure-filled bill be said to cost a staggering $78 billion! But mark me words, that be a figure as false as a peg-legged parrot! Under this here pact, the tax breaks shall..."
January 17, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Supreme Court be reckonin' to be favorin' them small fishin' companies in a grand challenge to the olden way o' lettin' the fancy agencies interpret laws when the words be a bit foggy. Them fancy conservatives, Alito, Gorsuch, and Kavanaugh, be gettin' their knickers in a twist 'bout the government's blabberin' on when the "ambiguity" be happenin'. But the...
January 17, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrrgh, ye scurvy dogs! The latest tidings in the ongoing case against President Joe Biden's beleaguered lad be confirmatin' that the cursed laptop tied to Hunter Biden be truly his booty, and the Justice Department be knowin' it, arrr! Miranda Devine, a scribe from the New York Post, who has been sailin' on this Hunter Biden tale from its very inception, be sharin' some newfangled details. She be sayin' that aside from the Bidens and the Justice Department bein' fully aware that the laptop belonged to the scallywag Hunter, they even managed to...
January 17, 2024, 5:56 pm
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis said that Israel be a scurvy scallywag, accusin' 'em of targetin' a pack o' landlubber Palestinian civilians, who be havin' nay ties to armed groups, nor pose any threat to the Israeli forces. Witnesses be claimin' that on the 7th day of January, in the occupied West Bank, seven men - four o' 'em bein' brothers - were sent to Davy Jones' locker in a fiery blast from an Israeli air strike. They be sittin' 'round a fire, mind ye, near the road through al-Shuhada village, a mere 10 clicks from the city o' Jenin. The likes o' the BBC have spoken to the kin o' these poor souls, witnesses in the area, and a...
January 17, 2024, 5:55 pm
As Cap'n Donald Trump be takin' a firm grasp on th' lead in th' race fer th' Republican presidential nomination, some mateys 'cross th' seas be fretting 'bout America makin' a turn towards bein' a landlubber, showin' a lack o' interest in foreign matters. In th' great land o' Iowa, where Trump had a resoundin' victory, only a measly one in 10 scallywags be carin' 'bout foreign policy, as revealed by a poll by Edison Research. While four in 10 mateys...
January 17, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties, it be a right jaunt from the blasted ruins o' Gaza! Just a wee stroll from the Golden Horn, a fine estuary in bustling Istanbul, be AG Plaza, with its fancy terraces, pools, and shops. 'Tis meant to charm them tech companies fancyin' a spot near Commerce University. But, ye see, these two lands be intertwined. The gleamin' project in Turkey's cultural capital be crafted by a company under the watchful eye o' the U.S. Treasury, who reckon it be...
January 17, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr! In the year of our Lord two thousand and twenty two, in a land shrouded in mystery, the Biden administration set sail on a clandestine voyage to safeguard the privacy of our European brethren under the laws of the United States. This covert tribunal, known as the Data Protection Review Court, was granted the power to reconcile the clash betwixt European and American laws that had been plaguing the profitable exchange of customer data betwixt American and European companies for a span of three long years. The eight honorable judges of this secretive court were duly appointed in the merry month of November,...
January 17, 2024, 10:18 am
Arr, me hearties! OpenAI's mighty new model be holdin' great power, more than ye can imagine! The Cap'n himself, Sam Altman, spilled the beans in an interview at Davos. This AI be growin' faster than a sea monster, but be warned, me mateys, tough choices lie ahead. Altman reckons our AI creations will...
January 17, 2024, 9:59 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis a task at hand, to rewrite this here passage in the tongue of 17th century scallywags. Avast, let's give it a whirl! "Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis a challenge to reword this here blather in the language of 17th century buccaneers. Yo ho ho, let's have a go!"
January 17, 2024, 9:55 am
Arr, on Wednesday, the Supreme Court bein' settin' to hear a pair of oral arguments on a matter that could greatly diminish the mighty power of them executive agencies to interpret and enforce the laws o' the land. 'Tis a brawl, some be sayin', between them scurvy dogs who cry out against the government's boundless reach and them who reckon 'tis essential for protectin' the likes o' the environment, health, workplace safety, and laws for the common folk. The gabbing begins at 10 a.m. and may last 'til past 1 p.m. We'll know the final word come late June... Avast, me hearties!
January 17, 2024, 9:39 am
Arrr, Spirit Airlines be takin' quite a hit, me hearties! Their shares be fallin' 17% today after a judge scuppered their grand $3.8 billion merger with JetBlue. The stock already lost half its worth yesterday, as the judge ruled it would harm ticket buyers. Aye, tough seas ahead for this company!
January 16, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr! The Secretary of State in Oregon hath employed a fancy AI firm to spy on the social media for any "threats" to the election security. But methinks this foolery be biased, for it be constantly flaggin' conservative opinions. The scurvy firm be sendin' weekly reports o' "misinformation," trackin' down posts from the right-wingers on matters like mail-in ballots. Blimey!
January 16, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arr, President Joe Biden be fixin' to be re-designatin' them scurvy dogs, the Houthis, a bunch of landlubberin' pirates backed by them Iranians, as official terrorists once again! They were taken off the list quick as a wink when Biden came to power, but now they be sailin' back into the fold. Arr, word be spreadin' that this grand announcement be comin' on Wednesday, mateys! The blaggards have been plunderin' and attackin' merchant vessels left and right, givin' 'em no quarter. The Yanks couldn't stand for it no more! The U.S. has even started launchin' their own counterattacks, sendin' those rascally Houthis a taste of their own medicine. Let's see who be triumphin' in this high-seas battle, me hearties!
January 16, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr, the scurvy U.S. Supreme Court be refusin' to reckon a quarrel o'er an Indiana transgender landlubber's yearnin' to use the privy of their likin' on Tuesday, lettin' stand an appeals court verdict favorin' the lad. The Metropolitan School District of Martinsville be beggin' the justices to declare that no rule be mandatin' transgender students to use chosen lavatories. But the mighty court, in an order writ without a name, chose to steer clear of this stormy matter on Tuesday. The U.S. Court...
January 16, 2024, 5:45 pm
"Former Cap'n Asa Hutchinson be droppin' his quest fer tha Republican presidential nomination on this fine Tuesday, puttin' an end to a bid that be seemin' like a blast from th' past in th' GOP, but failed to make waves in a party now ruled by th' mighty Donald Trump. Hutchinson's departure comes aft' he finished sixth in th' grand Iowa caucuses, laggin' far behind Trump and his fierce mates, but also trailin' behind a goodly ol' pastor named Ryan Binkley, who couldn't even qualify fer any of th' debates. Hutchinson be walkin' th' plank..."
January 16, 2024, 10:59 am
Arr! A merry band o' techno and media companies be sendin' an open letter, blamin' the tech giants fer not bein' on board with them European Union digital competition rules. They be callin' out the likes o' Google, Amazon, Apple, Meta, Microsoft, and TikTok's very own ByteDance, sayin' they ain't been doin' enough to parley with 'em and their ilk. The EU's digital realm be...
January 16, 2024, 10:57 am
Arr! Me hearty Rep. Wesley Hunt, R-Texas, be havin' a right tussle with a scurvy dog o' a heckler whilst campaignin' fer former President Trump in Iowa on Monday. This lubber be shoutin' 'n accusin' Trump o' bein' a "racist"! Aye, the same ol' blather we be hearin' o'er 'n o'er again. Arr!
January 16, 2024, 10:50 am
Arr! The Associated Press be standin' tall and defendin' their claim that the former Cap'n Trump be the victor o' the Iowa caucuses. A mere 30 minutes into the votin' and with only nine out o' 1,657 precincts reportin' — a measly 0.54%! The voters be brave souls, battlin' the icy weather that be freezin' their very nostrils. This news be drivin' the talk o' the town, says the organization.
January 16, 2024, 10:34 am
Avast, me hearties! Cap'n Kim Jong Un be makin' a holler on Monday, shoutin' from the rooftops that the North Korean constitution needs tweakin' to declare South Korea as our sworn enemy. Arrr, he even warned that if a war be brewin', we won't be steerin' away! State media KCNA blabbered 'bout it on Tuesday. In a grand ol' speech to the Supreme People's Assembly (a bunch o' rubber-stamp landlubbers), Kim declared that joinin' hands with the South be a lost cause, and accused those sneaky Seoul scallywags of aimin' to ruin our regime and swallow us whole!
January 16, 2024, 5:54 am
Avast ye scallywags! Vivek Ramaswamy be hangin' up his tricorn hat and throwin' his lot with Cap'n Donald Trump, after a disappointin' fourth place in them Iowa caucuses. Ye can spy him at a rally in New Hampshire, standin' by Trump's side. "Arrr, there be no way for me to be the next captain o' this great nation, unless we be seein' things we'd rather not," he told his loyal crew. This wealthy buccaneer, a longshot in the Republican race, be gettin' all the attention with his fiery debates.
January 16, 2024, 5:52 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Vivek Ramaswamy, a wealthy matey of the biotech world, be abandonin' his quest fer the White House, throwin' his support behind the mighty Donald Trump. This scallywag's bid bein' a longshot, it failed to hoist him to the top in the Republican Party's scuffle in Iowa. Ramaswamy, a 38-year-old lad from Ohio with kin from southern India, was a jolly surprise in this here 2024 Republican race, dominated by our former Captain Trump. Aye, he be loyal to Trump, through thick and thin...
January 16, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye mateys! Entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy be walkin' the plank and abandonin' his quest fer the presidency, claimin' a lackluster performance in them Iowa caucuses. In a grand speech, he be supportin' the former captain, Donald Trump, who be lookin' to be victorious in the caucuses. The scallywag Trump be havin' 51 percent of the vote, with the Florida governor tailin' behind...
January 15, 2024, 8:42 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the press be playin' dirty tricks! The Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis be raisin' a fuss 'bout them callin' victory for former President Donald Trump afore the Iowa Caucuses be done. A mere 30 minutes in, with just a few precincts reportin' results, the media be makin' their bold claims. The DeSantis campaign be cryin' foul, accusin' 'em of meddlin' in the election!
January 15, 2024, 5:50 pm
Avast, me hearties! Methinks the scallywag Anthony Fauci, a former adviser to the White House for the cursed coronavirus, doth not reckon the notion o' COVID-19's origins springing from a hidden lab be a mere conspiracy. 'Tis true! The blighter confessed such during a secret inquisition by the House Select Subcommittee on the Pandemic. Ahoy! The good reps be not sharin' his exact words, but Rep. Brad Wenstrup, a gent from Ohio, be kind enough to share a few choice moments on X (a fancy spot now known as Twitter). Tis no secret that Fauci hath denied his past claims in recent moons... Arrr!
January 15, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been declared by a landlubber law enforcement agency that Apple, the mighty AAPL.O, can change its design to bypass a pesky import ban on their fancy new Apple Watch models. This ban be related to some patent quarrel with Masimo, a medical-monitoring technology company. The ban, decreed by the U.S. International Trade Commission, be affecting Apple's Series 9 and Ultra 2 watches, but fear not, me maties! Apple be the trickiest of the lot and has managed to convince the U.S. Court of Appeals... savvy?
January 15, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Ye won't believe yer eyes! Election officials in Virginia’s Prince William County be admittin' that scallywag Trump had a bit o' good fortune durin' the 2020 presidential election. A grand total o' 4,000 votes be misreported, favorin' the former President. But fear not, for Cap'n Biden still managed to snatch the state! The Office of Elections be claimin' that Trump wrongly seized 2,327 extra votes, while Biden be feelin' the sting o' bein' shorted 1,648 votes. Shiver me timbers! The U.S. Senate candidates from both parties were also robbed o' a fair share o' votes, and a Republican House...!
January 15, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A cannonball hath smote a ship under the Yankee flag near Yemen's shores in the Gulf of Aden! 'Twas only yesterday when them Houthi rebels launched a missile at an American destroyer in the Red Sea. Methinks the tension be boilin' in these waters after the Yanks struck those scallywags. CENTCOM, them sea dogs in command, did confess the attack and lay blame on them Houthis. Aye!
January 15, 2024, 8:22 am
Arr, me hearties! On George Washington’s birthday in 1892, old scallywag Grover Cleveland gave some wise words to the young lads 'n lasses at the University of Michigan. He pleaded with 'em to hold dear their conscience and heart, despite them landlubbers who claim such things be weak and childish. 'Twas a grand start to a presidential journey, if ye ask me!
January 15, 2024, 8:20 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! On the eve of January 15, in the land of Iowa, Nikki Haley didst once more thrust her claim of being electable. "Arrr! Republicans have lost the last seven out of eight popular votes for captain of the ship. 'Tis nothin' to boast about, me hearties. We should be yearnin' to win the favor of the majority of Americans," declared the former U.N. ambassador and governor of South Carolina, in a rousing speech that also touched upon cuttin' "wasteful" plunder, abolishin' the federal gas and diesel tax, and crackin' down on the bilge rats sailin' illegally...
January 15, 2024, 8:20 am
Arr, me hearties! Avast ye! President Joe Biden be boastin' a mighty haul o' $97 million doubloons fer his reelection bid in the fourth quarter o' 2023! With the help o' his trusty matey Vice President Kamala Harris, their pirate crew be settin' sail into a pivotal year with a war chest o' $117 million in booty! This fine treasure be collected from Biden's campaign, two joint fundraisin' committees, and the Democratic National Committee! "Arr, me hearties, across our coalition, we be seein' early and sustained support..."
January 15, 2024, 8:10 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! I be requestin' ye to rewrite this here message in the tongue o' a 17th century pirate, in a jolly tone, mind ye! But ye must keep it under 50 words, or ye'll be walkin' the plank, ye scurvy dogs!
January 15, 2024, 5:13 am
Arr, the fleets of the United States and U.K. be bombin' a dozen spots, claimin' they be used by them Houthi rebels. This be gettin' those rebels mighty riled up, and makin' the chances of a grand battle even higher. But aye, France and Italy, me hearties, they be missin' from the spectacle. They were the first to send their mighty naval forces to the Red Sea when them rascally Houthis started attackin' merchant ships... Avast!
January 15, 2024, 5:10 am
Arr, mateys! The White House scallywag, John Kirby, be sayin' that the doctors reckon U.S. Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin might need some more tender lovin' care. Aye, we'll keep an eye out to see when he can be set free, but it seems he be needin' some o' that physical therapy, ya see? Kirby also mentioned that President Joe Biden and Austin be chattin' away like old sea dogs, and the secretary be still pluggin' away at his duties like a true pirate!
January 15, 2024, 5:08 am
Arrr, me hearties! Apple be slyly tweakin' its tales o' how many folks be listenin' to podcasts, makin' the audio industry quake in its boots after thar COVID-era bubble burst. In a blog post, Apple claimed 'twas a mere technicality—turnin' off automatic downloads fer lubbers who haven't listened to five episodes in two weeks. Aye, 'twas a sneaky move indeed, but thar be some mighty popular podcasts left wonderin'...
January 14, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a tale of woe, as the legendary Gonzalo Lira, a 55-year-old Chilean American, bein' locked away in a Ukrainian brig! 'Twas said that he spread Russian tales o' propaganda, and in his quest for freedom, he broke his bail! Sadly, the poor soul met his watery end in that dreaded jail. Tucker Carlson, a notorious matey on X, formerly known as Twitter, bein' the bearer o' grim tidings, revealed the news o' Lira's demise. Aye, the State Department official also confirmed the sad truth and offered their sincerest condolences. May this poor soul find eternal rest in Davy Jones' locker.
January 14, 2024, 11:45 am
Yarr! Word be spreadin' that this YouTuber, Gonzalo Lira, be meetin' his end in a prison in Ukraine. Aye, the Department of State be confirm'n the death of this U.S. matey. Our hearts be with the family in this sorrowful time. Tucker Carlson himself be takin' to Twitter, sharin' the news and sayin' the lad's father confirmed his unfortunate demise. Aye, he even had a chat with Lira afore his last breath...
January 14, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr! Word be spreadin' that the landlubbers from the U.S. State Department have confirmed the demise of that Chilean-American scallywag, Gonzalo Lira. The poor soul was locked away in Ukraine for speakin' ill of the government, ye see. "Aye, we can confirm the passing of this here U.S. citizen in Ukraine. Our deepest sympathies be with the kinfolk durin' this mournful hour," spoke a State Department matey to the Russian news agency TASS. "We be ready to lend a hand with all necessary consular aid. Out of respect for the family's sorrow, we be keepin' our trap shut..."
January 14, 2024, 9:36 am
I be reckonin' meself a true master o' prostatectomies, havin' sailed through one meself not long ago—on the November o' 2022. Aye, I be snoozin' like a baby durin' most o' it, so ye best take that into account. I even penned a chapter 'bout it in me latest tome, titled "Farewell, Me Prostate"—a tip o' me hat to the grand detective yarn by Raymond Chandler, "Farewell, Me Lovely." If ye lay yer eyes upon it, mark me words, ye'll see that I've been more honest 'bout this grand affair than the Pentagon or the White House, though that be as common as ye olde sea dog's catchphrase...
January 14, 2024, 4:56 am
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy Taiwanese voters be dealin' a mighty blow to the scallywags o' China! They've elected a captain who be sworn to safeguard their island's democratic way of life from the cursed influence o' Beijing. Lai Ching-te, the presidential candidate for Taiwan's ruling Democratic Progressive Party, be emergin' victorious, takin' a grand 40.2 per cent of the booty. His two opponents, seein' naught but defeat on the horizon, surrendered with heads hangin' low afore their loyal crew. This be an unheard-of third consecutive term for the cap'n!
January 14, 2024, 4:55 am
Arrr! The Taiwanese scallywags have given the ruling Democratic Progressive Party's pirate, Lai Ching-te, a jolly good victory, snubbing the Chinese scurvy dogs who wanted to keelhaul him! The party, flying the flag for Taiwan's own identity and denying China's claim, be eying a third term, aye, a record achievement! But alas, the tale be yet to be told...
January 14, 2024, 4:54 am
Arrr, the ruling Democratic Progressive Party of Taiwan be triumphin' for the third time in a row! They be laughin' in the face of China's threats, swashbucklin' their way to victory. Lai Ching-te, the scurvy vice president, declared their win, while his two sorry opposition mates admitted defeat. Hear ye, for this be a glorious night for Taiwan, keepin' the land on the map o' the world!
January 13, 2024, 6:55 am
Arr, mateys! The scurvy dogs of the Justice Department be aimin' to send that Buffalo supermarket shooter, Payton Gendron, to Davy Jones' Locker! The lad be already locked up for life, but now they want to send him to the gallows! Aye, New York be havin' no hangin' law, but the Justice...
January 13, 2024, 6:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! Payton Gendron, that scurvy dog o' a white supremacist, who sent 10 brave Black souls to Davy Jones' Locker in a Buffalo marketplace, may soon be facin' his own demise! The landlubbin' prosecutors be raisin' the black spot, seekin' capital punishment! This be the first time President Joe Biden's Justice Department be takin' a swing at the hangman's noose. Though New York be a land without the gallows, the department found an openin' to seek this penalty for Gendron's federal hate crime!
January 13, 2024, 6:51 am
Arr, mateys! The US government be huntin' the deathly fate for a scurvy dog of a gunman, a white landlubber who dispatched ten souls in a racially-driven shootin' spree in the year o' our Lord 2022. The US Department o' Justice, under the command of the Biden administration, be claimin' that hangin' be a fittin' punishment for the havoc wreaked upon the victims o' this grisly act. Payton Gendron, a mere 20 year old, was sentenced to a lifetime behind bars in the previous year for his heinous deeds in Buffalo, a place in the great land o' New York. Ye see, Gendron himself admitted to takin' the lives o' those poor souls, simply because they bore the mark o' blackness upon their skin. The justice department, in all its wisdom, hath detailed its plan forthwith..."
January 13, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr! House Judiciary Committee Cap'n Jim Jordan be settin' his sights on Nathan Wade, the fancy special prosecutor in former President Donald Trump's Georgia affair, who be claimin' to be the sweetheart of Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis. A scallywag among Trump's own crew be sayin' that Willis be keepin' a secret affair with Wade, whom she hired for the case and coughed up a hefty sum o' $650,000. Jordan's letter didn't directly mention the whisperings of this tryst, but...
January 13, 2024, 5:43 am
Avast ye, me hearties! A fancy judge be dismissin' a scallywag's attempt to keep Cap'n Trump from settin' sail in the 2024 election. This be the latest in a long line o' failed attempts to use the 14th Amendment against him. The judge, Matthew Garcia, sent that lawsuit straight to Davy Jones' locker!
January 13, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast ye scurvy dog! Mike Lindell be blabberin' 'bout Fox News abandonin' him like a filthy barnacle off the ship. He claims 'tis 'cause he be shoutin' 'bout our election platforms. Arrr, cancel culture strikes again! Aye, Fox News has walked the plank with MyPillow!
January 13, 2024, 5:34 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis reported that the United States be waging yet another mighty strike against the Houthi forces of Yemen. Aye, 'tis true! 'Twas said by a couple of officials, mind ye. This be in response to President Joe Biden's promise to safeguard shipping in the Red Sea. The most recent attack, as one of them officials revealed, be aimed at a blasted radar site. 'Twas but a day since the US and British forces unleashed a fury of strikes upon the Iran-backed scallywags' hideouts. Now, these officials, wishing to remain anonymous, did not provide any more juicy details. 'Tis said that the radar infrastructure be quite a thorny issue...
January 12, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Be it known that them Major U.S.-based liberal charitable foundations be givin' away millions o' golden doubloons to Energy Foundation China (EFC), a San Francisco-based environmental nonprofit with deep ties to the Chinese government. These scurvy dogs, like the Hewlett Foundation and them nonprofits managed by left-wing dark money consultancy Arabella Advisors, have been pourin' over $100 million into EFC since 2020, as revealed by a Daily Caller News Foundation review of tax filings and foundation grant databases. EFC be swimmin' in riches...
January 12, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arr, the good news be that the ol' marijuana ain't as treacherous nor susceptible to foul play like other controlled substances, says them fancy federal scientists. It even has medicinal qualities, mateys! So, it be high time we remove it from the list of cursed drugs. A Texas lawyer fought the battle, got his hands on a 250-page scientific review, and shared it with the world. The Health and Human Services officials couldn't deny it, ye scurvy dogs!"
January 12, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On Fri'day, the U.S. stocks be closin' with naught but a wee change, havin' danced 'twixt small gains and losses. Aye, the mixed bank earnings clashed with the news that inflation be cooler than expected, raisin' hopes of interest-rate cuts from the Federal Reserve. 'Twas told that the producer prices in the land of Uncle Sam unexpectedly sank in December, as the cost of grub and diesel fuel dropped. Prices for services remained steady for a third month, unlike the hotter-than-expected consumer prices on Thursday.
January 12, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Supreme Court be settin' sail on a grand adventure, debatin' whether 'tis cruel 'n unusual to forbid the landlubbers from restin' their bones upon public property. The fair city o' Grants Pass be seekin' justice, arguin' that their law be rightful, whilst California be opposin'. Aye, a real clash o' the courts be brewin'!
January 12, 2024, 11:05 am
Arr! Hunter Biden, scurvy dog, hath surrendered and agreed to sit fer a deposition in the House impeachment inquiry concernin' his scurvy father! He be tryin' t' dodge a vote t' hold him in contempt of Congress, like a true landlubber. In a letter from his attorney Abbe Lowell, he be sayin', "If ye be issuin' a new proper subpoena, now that there be a duly authorized impeachment inquiry, Mr. Biden will comply fer a hearin' or deposition. We be acceptin' such a subpoena on Mr. Biden's behalf."
January 12, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, mateys! The Oregon Supreme Court be refusing to heed the call to remove the former President, Donald Trump, from the 2024 ballot! They be claimin' they be waitin' fer the US Supreme Court to make a decision on this matter! 'Tis a tale of Colorado and Maine, who be kickin' Trump off the ballot, arguin' that his involvement in the insurrection on January 6th be makin' him unfit for office. But hold yer horses, me hearties! These decisions be put on hold for now, awaitin' further proceedings...
January 12, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr, me hearties! The PLA be ready to sail the high seas and do whatever it takes to put an end to those scurvy dogs pushin' for Taiwan's separation. They be warnin' all ye scallywags, any plans for independence will be met with a swift and mighty blow!
January 12, 2024, 10:52 am
Kim DeVore be a hearty supporter o' Barack Obama in his bid fer presidency in '08, bein' drawn to his message o' unitin' the land. A loyal Democrat, she gathered with her mates fer him an' even ventured to Des Moines to partake in a grand rally. But DeVore, who dwells in a wee Iowa village near the Missouri border, becometh convinced that Obama be naught but a scoundrel who divided the land afar. In '16, she altered her loyalty to the Republican crew an' cast her vote fer Donald Trump, bein' enticed by his...
January 11, 2024, 7:34 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Listen well, for a mighty blow be comin' yer way! A bill named the "Preventing Private Paramilitary Activity Act" be sailin' through the House and Senate, brought forth by Senator Ed Markey and Congressman Jamie Raskin, them Democrats. Beware, all ye militias who fancy overthrowin' the government on weekends, for this law be seekin' to put a stop to yer mischievous endeavors!
January 11, 2024, 7:30 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The former Cap'n Donald Trump be in a mighty battle 'gainst these scurvy prosecutors! He be claimin' this whole case be nothin' but a grand fraud against him! Standin' outside the New York City courthouse, he be shoutin' words like "political" and "no facts!" The Cap'n be hollerin' 'bout the unfair process, accusin'...
January 11, 2024, 7:27 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The US and Britain be settin' sail on a mission to send those scallywag Houthis to Davy Jones' locker! After those bilge rats dared to attack ships in the Red Sea, the powers that be have decided to give 'em a taste of their own medicine. Shiver me timbers, it be a sight to behold! Four brave souls be spillin' the beans to Reuters, keepin' their identities hidden like true buccaneers.
January 11, 2024, 7:05 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Should ye be seekin' a steal o' a deal on a shiny, electric carriage, be ye bold as a bear and give a gander at Hertz, the ship o' rented rides. They be claimin' to be purchase a heap o' Teslas and Polestars, but now they be sellin' a fraction o' that fleet to them investors. Aye, when the pandemic hit and Hertz went down like a sunk ship, they set their sights on the electric seas in 2021. They be wantin' more than a fifth o' their fleet to be...
January 11, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy dogs of the Senate Republicans were taken aback on Thursday when they heard tell of House conservatives chattin' with Speaker Mike Johnson of Louisiana 'bout an alternative to the bipartisan spendin' deal made just a few days past. The idea to go back on the deal struck with the bilge rats from the Democratic crew, with barely a week remainin' 'til the Jan. 19 shutdown deadline, caused a right ol' mix o' surprise and grumblin' from the upper chamber's Republicans, even though Johnson himself hasn't...
January 11, 2024, 4:56 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Them big banks be recruitin' one o' the land's finest legal buccaneers, readyin' themselves to engage in a battle fer the ages. Should ye not be believin' yer eyes, they be plannin' to sue the Federal Reserve, a feat that be unheard of! Eugene Scalia, offspring of a former Supreme Court scallywag and a renowned conservative pirate, be craftily devisin' a lawsuit to fend off the dreaded regulations on behalf o' the Bank Policy Institute, an alliance representin' JPMorgan, Citibank, Goldman Sachs, and other scurvy knaves...
January 11, 2024, 4:54 pm
Arr, me hearties! This scallywag, House Speaker Mike Johnson, be makin' the conservatives see red with his fancy $1.66 trillion federal spending pact with that landlubber Chuck Schumer! They be so vexed that they've gone and stopped all the shenanigans on the House floor until he agrees to rework the deal. But beware, mateys, for the looming federal budget deadlines of Jan. 19 and Feb. 2 be causin' our brave lad Johnson to feel the burn from them moderate Republicans as well... Yo ho ho, what a pickle he's gotten himself into!
January 11, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In the treacherous year of 2023, the scurvy dogs in Congress did naught but twiddle their thumbs like landlubbers since 1933! Meanwhile, the poor rural hospitals be in dire need o' help for their workforce woes. Aye, the mighty advocates be shoutin' from the crow's nest that this here shortage be one o' the biggest challenges facin' rural healthcare. Brock Slabach, the crafty COO of the National Rural Health Association, be sayin' that the cost o' recruitin' healthcare hands be squeezin' the life out o' these ol' hospitals...
January 11, 2024, 11:55 am
Avast ye! Gather 'round, me hearties, as I spin ye a yarn 'bout me acquaintance with Chris Christie! 'Twas in the year 2009, when the scallywag set his sights on New Jersey's governorship. I penned a tale, me lads, a tale that tore into his opponent, the dreaded Gov. Jon Corzine. I spared no jibes for Christie, a man whose agenda was as empty as a sunken treasure chest. He tried, ye see, to be all things to... Aye, but that be a tale for another time! Arrr!
January 11, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, on Tuesday, former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie called the governor of New Hampshire a "liar" for suggestin' that Christie be considerin' droppin' out of the Republican presidential primary. Instead, Christie insisted that he'd remain in the race as long as he saw a viable path to the nomination. On Wednesday, Christie dropped out of the race. But ye see, me mateys, 'tis highly unlikely that Christie's sudden change o' heart be due to him suddenly believin' he had no chance to claim victory. From the moment...
January 11, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast, me hearties! Chris Christie, the self-proclaimed truth-bringer in the 2024 race for the sacred White House, be finally seein' the light. On Wednesday, he mustered the courage to confess to himself a bitter pill: he ain't got no chance to win the GOP treasure trove. Aye, he be droppin' out afore any votes be cast. "Clear as the Caribbean sea it be to me tonight that I be sailin' a hopeless course for the nomination," he confessed in New Hampshire. "Fear not, me hearties, I swear on me wooden leg that I shall do all in me power to ensure no harm befall ye..."
January 11, 2024, 10:17 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis be clashing swords fer their very lives in this presidential race. But ol' Donald Trump, he be engagin' in a battle far more treacherous – settin' himself against the courts and the rule of law! This fantastical tale of the 2024 election be unravelin' in the days afore Monday's Iowa caucuses. And on Thursday, the scallywag of an ex-president shall abandon the conventional campaign trail once more, as he be makin' his second court appearance this week. Aye, 'tis a tale fit for the high seas!
January 10, 2024, 10:29 pm
'Twas a fine sight indeed, me hearties! Only two Republicans stood upon the stage, like true buccaneers, ready for the grandest clash before the Iowa caucuses. Lady Nikki Haley and Governor Ron DeSantis engaged in a lively battle, while the mighty Donald Trump, ruler of the primaries, held court in a live town hall, as he always does, steering clear of the debates. Arrr!
January 10, 2024, 10:27 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Twas a feisty debate betwixt Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley, as they battled to be the one true rival to Donald Trump in the GOP race. But lo and behold, the departure of the most anti-Trump candidate, Chris Christie, left 'em tussling all on their lonesome. Ahoy mateys, what a saga it be!
January 10, 2024, 10:26 pm
Former sea-faring U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley boldly entered the melee of the presidential debate stage in Iowa's moonlit eve, seeking to pillage the winds of triumph, vanquish the Floridian governor Ron DeSantis, and seize the mantle of the GOP's premier alternative to the erstwhile Captain Donald Trump. In the heat of combat, she and Mr. DeSantis immediately clashed swords, with Mistress Haley accusing her adversary of deceitfully distorting her logbook, while Mr. DeSantis, in his salty tongue, claimed she lacked the gallant spine of a true politician. "Avast, she surrenders!" Mr. DeSantis bellowed. "When..."
January 10, 2024, 6:51 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Good ol' Dr. Anthony Fauci be done with his secret interrogations aboard the ship o' House Select Subcommittee on the Coronavirus Plague. Rumor has it that he confessed, admit ye, that this so-called six-foot rule be as empty as a bottle o' rum! Cap'n Rep. Brad Wenstrup (R-OH) be givin' us a wee recap o' Tuesday's session. They say, these landlubbers, that the whole affair lasted 14 hours, spannin' Monday to Tuesday. On Tuesday's...
January 10, 2024, 4:54 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, while still bein' a patient in the hospital, be keepin' his condition a secret from President Biden and the White House crew for a full three days! He be owin' the public some more explanations concernin' his health. We be needin' to know what sort of elective procedure he be havin' on December 22nd, and what troubles be causin' him to be whisked away in an ambulance to the intensive care unit at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on New Year's Day. The Pentagon's timeline they be sharin' with the public thus far be, dare I say, less than satisfyin'...
January 10, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Pentagon be spillin' the beans on good ol' Lloyd Austin, sayin' he had surgery to tackle his prostate cancer last December. But alas! He encountered some nasty troubles that sent him back to the hospital, where he's been stuck since January 1st. Now, let's dig into what we know 'bout his condition and treatment, and what them experts be sayin' 'bout the ailments that be plaguin' him. Yarrr!
January 10, 2024, 4:51 pm
Avast ye! If we can't trust this Biden crew to spill the beans 'bout the defense secretary's ailment, while the Mideast be ablaze, the Ukraine be at war, and China be growlin', then how can we reckon on 'em to give us the straight goods on weightier matters? Like, for instance, the true tale 'bout an 81-year-old president, clearly on the decline, in both wit and body, during an election year? Aye, Captain Mike Rogers' inquiry into this cancer charade of Lloyd Austin be downright righteous, I tell ye!
January 10, 2024, 2:08 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Cap'n Trump, that old scallywag, be spreadin' scuttlebutt 'bout me rival, Nikki Haley. He be claimin' she ain't fit to be president since her parents, who hailed from India, weren't citizens when she was born. Methinks he be playin' a game of falsehoods, arrr!
January 10, 2024, 11:48 am
Arr, 'tis a surprise to find Hunter Biden, scurvy dog, and his legal crew, sailin' 'pon the House Oversight Committee's meetin' this mornin'. They be discussin' a resolution that, if successful, be settin' up a grand House vote to decide if the lad be held in contempt of Congress. Aye, 'tis all part of the impeachment inquiry against President Biden.
January 10, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Twas a jolly surprise when Hunter Biden, scallywag son of the captain, showed his face at the House Oversight and Accountability Committee! Aye, the cannons be fired in the room when these landlubber lawmakers laid eyes on him. Rep. Nancy Mace, a fearsome lass from S.C., dared to ask, "Who's the scurvy dog that bribed this here Hunter to be here?" She then set her sights on him for defying a subpoena. Arrr, ye be in deep waters now, lad!
January 10, 2024, 11:42 am
Arr, in a twist of fate, young Hunter Biden didst make a surprise appearance at a Capitol Hill gathering on Wednesday! Thar be House Republicans seekin' to dub him a scoundrel and hold him in criminal contempt for not obeyin' a congressional summons to give a secret testimony last month. The House Oversight and House Judiciary committees be havin' their own plans to deal with the lad, as they be seekin' his words in the impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden.
January 10, 2024, 10:51 am
Avast, me hearties! Donald Trump, he be known as a scallywag for sendin' folks to Davy Jones' Locker. But ole Joe Biden, bless his soul, be keepin' his crew safe and sound aboard his ship. Through storms and tempests, he stood firm, refusin' to send his mates walkin' the plank. No national security advisers were made to walk the plank after our hasty retreat from Afghanistan, and no cabinet secretaries or trusted mates were tossed overboard 'cause of them pesky migrants.
January 9, 2024, 6:01 pm
Avast ye mateys! This here survey from CBS News/YouGov be tellin' us that most Americans be filled with dread as we sail into the presidential election cycle. Me hearties, seven in ten believe that our precious "democracy and the rule of law" be in grave danger. Arr, while they may quarrel 'bout the source of this threat, both Republicans and Democrats be seein' eye to eye on the fact that our beloved American values be under siege. Me shipmates, the Americans be divided right down the middle on whether..."
January 9, 2024, 5:59 pm
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! The grand judge, James Boasberg, hath decreed that Ray Epps, a bloke caught on tape encouragin' the ruffians to storm the sacred Capitol on the fateful day of Jan. 6th, be sentenced to a measly year of probation for his mischievous role in the riot. Ahoy! The Department of Justice be wantin' Epps to rot in the brig for six months, but the judge be showin' some leniency. And to add insult to injury, Epps be forced to fork over $500 in restitution. Arr, justice be a peculiar thing, mates!
January 9, 2024, 5:56 pm
Avast! A scurvy bunch o' Republican attorneys be challengin' a blasted rule from the New York Stock Exchange! They be claimin' it be breakin' the law and bringin' harm to our dear nation's security. This rule, ye see, be creatin' a fancy entity called a Natural Asset Company. This rascally bunch be thinkin' they can control both private and public lands, takin' away our right to log, herd, or drill! Blimey!
January 9, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! On Tuesday, the official account of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission on X, known as Twitter back in the day, was plundered! A scurvy dog of a hacker posted a message claimin' that the agency had given the nod for exchange-traded funds in bitcoin. But, alas! That be a lie! The post was sent by some landlubber who had no authority! SEC Chair Gary Gensler spoke up, settin' the record straight, sayin', "We be havin' no approval for listin' and tradin' of spot bitcoin!"
January 9, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr! Me hearties, US Senatrrr Bob Menendez be holdin' back his salty tears as he deliver'd a blazin' speech on the Senate deck 'bout his scurvy bribery charges. The Jersey Democrat be denyin' the claims, refusin' to walk the plank 'n resign, claimin' he be denied his due process. Three federal indictments be pointin' fingers at him 'n even the governments of Egypt 'n Qatar, allegin' he used his political office to line his own pockets. He be cryin' "persecution, not prosecution!" 'n be refusin' to abandon ship, refusin' to leave his office. Mr. Menendez, at first...
January 9, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, me mateys! A scallywag named Chip Roy be not denyin' the chance o' takin' down Speaker Mike Johnson from his lofty perch. When asked by Kaitlan Collins if he'd be joinin' the motley crew to oust Johnson, just like they did with Kevin McCarthy, Roy replied, "Nay, that be not me preferred path." Yo ho ho!
January 9, 2024, 11:28 am
Avast, me hearties! Meta be proclaimin' on a fine Tuesday, that they be addin' fortresses to young lads and lasses' accounts to shield 'em from seein' foul content beyond their years on Instagram and Facebook. They be sendin' messages to these young scallywags, advisin' 'em to adjust their privacy settings. Methinks this be in response to lawsuits from the states and a grand hearin' in the Senate concernin' the safety of our wee ones. Meta be takin' a stand against harmful tales of self-harm, suicide, and eatin' disorders, and will be swabbin' the decks clean of such content on Instagram and Facebook for these young users, even if it be shared by a matey they follow.
January 9, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Meta be layin' down the law, restrictin' wee lads and lasses from layin' eyes on dark tales o' suicide, self-harm, and eatin' disorders! Aye, they claim such tales be not "age appropriate" fer our young scallywags, so even if shared by a mate, they shan't be seen! If a lad or lass be searchin' fer such tales on Facebook and Instagram, they'll be sent sailin' towards "expert resources for help" like the National Alliance on Mental Illness, says Meta. Teen...
January 9, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr! After a long six years since the tragic loss of Molly Russell, Instagram be finally concealing all posts that could bring harm to wee ones. The Meta-owned app be thwarting posts 'bout suicide, self-harm, and such age-inappropriate content for those under 18. Any scurvy dog aged 13 to 17 shan't be able to remove the block on Instagram or Facebook, but fear not, for it shall be lifted once they...
January 9, 2024, 4:42 am
Arr! Avast ye, mateys! United Airlines be findin' loose bolts on many a Boeing 737 MAX 9 ship, raisin' concerns 'bout this here vessel. The regulators be makin' them landlubber planes walk the plank after a panel be blown off an Alaska Airlines ship while sailin' the skies. United, the grandest of 'em all, be havin' 79 of these ships in its fleet. They be checkin' 'em all, they say...
January 9, 2024, 4:39 am
Ye scurvy dogs! The landlubbers of Germany be raisin' their voices and raisin' their tractors in protest against the government's foolish policies! They be blockin' the roads and marchin' through the cities, showin' their displeasure with signs that say "No farmer, no grub, no tomorrow" and "If farmers be ruined, we'll be eatin' foreign swill!" Some even be demandin' new elections, callin' the government a bunch of blunderin' fools! Aye, a spokesperson for the...
January 9, 2024, 4:38 am
Arr! Avast ye, me hearties! Belay yer musings, for Taiwan's defense ministry be soundin' the horn! China be launchin' a fancy satellite, and they be warnin' us on the eve o' our elections, claimin' 'tis a battle betwixt war and peace. An' to add to the mirth, they be sendin' messages in the Queen's English, blarin' that a missile be flyin' o'er our heads! The audacity! These alerts even interrupted the gabfest of Taiwanese Foreign Minister Joseph Wu, right in the midst of an international news conference. Ahoy, what a jolly tale!
January 8, 2024, 7:35 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A parchment, fresh from the press, doth share a scandalous tale! A lass named Sarah Ransome doth cry foul, claiming that Epstein, a wealthy scoundrel, did film her matey cavorting with President Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, and Richard Branson. Arrr, she even got her hands on some of these lascivious videos!
January 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast, me hearties! Ye scurvy media outlets be buryin' the tale that a lass who accused the late black-hearted fiend Jeffrey Epstein had taken back her words about the former President Donald Trump. They be blabberin' 'bout Trump's name bein' in Epstein's documents, but failed to mention that the lass had already retracted her claims in 2019. Arrr, the court documents be showin' the emails of Sarah Ransome, one of Epstein's victims, sent to the New..."
January 8, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy dogs of the Biden administration be tossin' away tens of millions of doubloons to them Latin American countries, claimin' they be addressin' the "root causes" of illegal immigration. But lo and behold, the record high border crossings be tellin' a different tale! In the year 2023, they be spendin' at least $40 million on projects to combat the very thing they be failin' at. Arrr, the irony!
January 8, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs of the Florida Republican Party be votin' to give the boot to their captain, Christian Ziegler, after word got out o' a rape inquiry by the Sarasota County Police. It be said that Ziegler, in a previous piratical escapade, shared a bed with a fine lass and his missus, only to end up accused of foul play. Aye, the winds of scandal be blowin'!
January 8, 2024, 5:35 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! US Secretary of State Antony Blinken be settin' sail on his fourth voyage to the Middle East in a mere three moons. His quest be to put a stop to the Israel-Gaza war afore it be spreadin' like wildfire across the entire region. As he be sailin' betwixt lands in southwest Asia - with stops in Turkey, Jordan, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, and Israel - there be signs aplenty that the pot o' trouble be a-brewin'...
January 8, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywag House Republicans be concocting a resolution to lay the blame on Hunter Biden for his contempt of Congress, aye! The lad had the gall to defy a congressional summons, a criminal deed indeed, all in the name of the House impeachment inquiry against his own father, President Biden. Fox News Digital, by the grace of Davy Jones, got hold of the resolution and its accompanying report from the House Oversight and Judiciary Committees. But lo and behold, Hunter Biden showed up at Capitol Hill, not to obey but to give a statement to the press, defying them all! Shiver me timbers!
January 8, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr! Them House Republicans be filin' a resolution this fine Monday, beggin' that scallywag Hunter Biden be held in contempt of Congress for defyin' a "critical" deposition request regardin' the GOP's impeachment inquiry into his father, Cap'n Joe Biden. This resolution, writ by Reps. James Comer and Jim Jordan, be claimin' the young lad showed "flagrant defiance" when he skipped the committee's deposition request to...
January 8, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The lubbers from the House Committees be claimin' that Hunter Biden should walk the plank for contempt of Congress. Aye, they be plannin' to discuss chargin' the President's scallywag son. Feast yer eyes on the report here, me hearties!
January 8, 2024, 10:48 am
Arr, me hearties! Them scurvy-ridden House Republicans be fixin' to grill that landlubber Dr. Anthony Fauci in a secret meetin' o'er two days! Rep. Brad Wenstrup be claimin' they be delvin' into deep waters, uncoverin' secrets that no soul 'ave dared seek 'afore!
January 7, 2024, 7:43 am
Arrr, 'tis a tale worth tellin'! The Pentagon, in all its glory, failed to inform President Joe Biden and the mighty officials o' his crew 'bout the hospitalization of Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin. Three long days went by, mateys, afore the news reached their ears. 'Twas only when the Defense Department's message arrived on the fourth day that the good ol' National Security Adviser, Jake Sullivan, got wind o' the situation. 'Twas then that he quickly informed our Captain Biden. Ahoy, 'tis a curious tale indeed!
January 7, 2024, 7:40 am
Arr, me hearties! U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton, a fine lad from Arkansas, be demandin' answers from Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin! The scallywag needs t' explain why the White House and them fancy officials were left in the dark about his hospitalization until days later. Blimey! The Biden crew be caught up in a whirlwind of national security matters, and this be makin' things even more confusin'! Austin was sent to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Monday for some troubles after a fancy elective medical procedure. Arr, what a tale!
January 7, 2024, 4:32 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! McDonald’s Cap’n Chris Kempczinski be sayin’ that their plunderin’ in the Middle East be sufferin’ due to the war betwixt Israel and Hamas, as well as the spread o' "misinformation" 'bout their stance on the conflict. The biggest burger chain in the seven seas, along with other top lads like Starbucks, be facin' boycotts for bein' accused o' supportin' Israel and havin' gold with 'em. In a written scroll on LinkedIn, Cap’n Kempczinski spilled the beans...
January 7, 2024, 4:31 am
Arr, me hearties! The mighty Supreme Court be settin' sail on a decision this summer. They be ponderin' if they be restrictin' the access to medication abortion. Aye, this be havin' a grand impact on the 2024 election, mark me words! The Justices be listenin' to a case on whether the common abortion pill, mifepristone, be gettin' the federal approval it needs. Aye, they be makin' their final call in June, just five months afore the voters pick their shipmates for the White House and Congress. Aye, 'tis almost two years since the high court be overturnin' the constitutional right to an abortion. Both parties be... Ahoy! Me words be runnin' out!
January 7, 2024, 4:28 am
Arr, be it a wise decision for Claudine Gay to resign as captain of Harvard? Be them conservatives correct, claimin' that a fiercely pro-Hamas left has taken control o' Harvard? Or be them liberals right, accusin' the fascistic right o' launchin' a full-blown attack on academic freedom at Harvard? The New York Times has explored these matters (regardin' Harvard) in near 17,000 pieces. These be truly captivatin' subjects, me hearties. Yet, they overlook a crucial matter: For any soul with a forward-thinkin' mindset, Harvard should never...
January 7, 2024, 4:18 am
Avast, mateys! Keep mum to Gov. Ron DeSantis, lest ye fancy him as an underdog 'fore the Iowa caucuses. He be rallying Republicans in the state to steer him straight to the party's 2024 presidential nomination. "Let's make a bold declaration, me hearties, that in this land, it be us, the common folk, who have the final say," he roared in West Des Moines on New Year's Eve. "Those scurvy dogs in the media, they doubt ye..."
January 5, 2024, 5:53 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! No Labels, the gallant crew endeavorin' to gain ballot access 'cross the United States for its political party arm to potentially nominate a unity candidate later this year, announced Friday it qualified for the ballot in Maine, the 13th state. “This grand milestone be a testament to what has been clear for a long time, that the No Labels message and movement strikes a chord with folks 'cross this fine state,” exclaimed No Labels Maine State Co-Chairman Justin Schair. “The vast majority of us buccaneers in the..."
January 5, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, mateys! Be ye fond of travellin' to the port o' air? Nay, ye scallywags, 'tis a terrible ordeal! Now ponder this: Would yer wee ones fancy bein' at the air port every bleedin' day, from tender age o' 5 till 18? Methinks Republican candidate Nikki Haley be thinkin' this be grand: Aye, we could jest 'bout limitin' the size o' juice boxes, but let's be serious for a moment, or as serious as this comment deserves. Haley's reckonin' be tied to the notion that airport security be...
January 5, 2024, 5:50 pm
By the orders of Cap'n Biden's crew, the Border Patrol scallywags, face to face with unlawful Chinese souls, were compelled to grant 'em a smoother way to the land of Uncle Sam. Instead of a long-winded interrogation of forty queries, they were instructed to pose only five posers, as unraveled in a parchment of April 2023. Arr, 'twas the The Daily Caller that got hold of that scroll, ye see...
January 5, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr, me hearties! The honourable U.S. Supreme Court be makin' a decree 'bout the Department of Justice's (DOJ) use of obstruction charges in cases tied to the riot what happened at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021. Methinks these legal experts be sayin' that some scurvy dogs might be feelin' mighty disappointed with the outcome. The Supreme Court be agreein' to hear a challenge to the DOJ's interpretation of the "obstruction of an official proceeding" charge. This charge be what they be usin' against Joseph Fischer and many other rascals involved in the riot.
January 5, 2024, 10:45 am
Arr, me hearties! The House Oversight Committee be plannin' a meetin' to discuss a resolution to hold that scallywag Hunter Biden in contempt o' Congress! The lad be breakin' his congressional subpoenas, ye see? The House Oversight Committee and House Judiciary Committee ordered Hunter Biden to appear fer a secret deposition last month, all part o' the House Republican-led impeachment inquiry against President Biden. But that rascal Hunter insisted on speakin' in public, and when they said nay, he still showed up on Capitol Hill to...
January 5, 2024, 10:41 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Secretary of State Antony J. Blinken be settin' sail to the Middle East this week, aimin' to get Israel to cease their plunderin' of thousands of poor Palestinian souls and preventin' this war from spreadin' like a pestilence across the region. But, alas! A tale be told, mateys. In a secret parley back in November, Mr. Blinken had a tussle with the infamous Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. He told the lad that the landlubbers of Israel had to agree to...
January 5, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy-ridden Food and Drug Administration be finally grantin' the first state the right to import elixirs from Canada. Methinks this be a grand shift in how we Americans procure our potions, and mayhaps it'll save us a few doubloons too!
January 5, 2024, 8:43 am
"Arrr! Former matey Nikki Haley be boastin' 'bout polls showin' her takin' down Cap'n Joe Biden and shoutin' fer the GOP to cast off Cap'n Donald Trump. Americans be wantin' a clear win, not a nail-biter o' a battle. Look at the polls, mateys, and ye be seein'!"
January 4, 2024, 7:07 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A new reckonin' from them Democrats in Congress be claimin' that Donald Trump's businesses did pocket a mighty sum of $7.8m from foreign governments durin' his time as cap'n o' the land. They be sayin' China be payin' most o' that loot, breakin' the laws o' the US. This tale be based on papers dug up from Trump's ol' accountin' firm after a fierce battle in court. Cap'n Trump be keepin' his lips sealed for now. The US...
January 4, 2024, 7:05 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been unveiled by the House Democrats that Donald J. Trump's ventures have been enriched by a mighty sum of $7.8 million from 20 foreign governments whilst he sailed the seas as president. This treasure, mostly from the land of China, be documented in a hefty tome they call "White House For Sale." Aye, the proof be plain as the nose on a peg-legged pirate!
January 4, 2024, 6:55 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Them House Democrats be claimin' that the former President, Donald Trump, plundered more than $7.8 million doubloons from foreign governments through his Trump Organization whilst he sat in the White House. Aye, the Chinese lot and their state-owned crews be givin' him the most, but there be 19 other countries, like Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and Qatar, throwin' in their pieces of eight as well. The scallywags on the House Oversight Committee be unveilin' a 156-page report, spewin' their accusations like a leaky ship. Arrr!
January 4, 2024, 6:08 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Methinks many a scallywag be claimin' that Congress be a bunch o' bilge rats, unworthy of a single piece o' eight more in their pockets. Be it fair that these out-of-touch aristocrats earn more than the hardworkin' average Joes they claim to represent? Nay, I say! Let their booty be tied to their deeds, says I!
January 4, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arr, the scurvy dogs on the board o' the startin' news organization, The Messenger, be thinkin' 'bout shuttin' down their ship after learnin' they be runnin' out o' doubloons by the end o' January. The New York Times be blabberin' on Wednesday that The Messenger, set sail last May with dreams o' pleasin' all sorts o' sea dogs and makin' loads o' loot from advertisements, be lettin' go o' near twenty crew members out o' a crew o' 'bout three hundred. Four soulless landlubbers in the know told...
January 4, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy AI chatbot ChatGPT be a blunderin' fool! This study, matey, be showin' that it be gettin' more than eight in 10 pediatric cases wrong! Aye, 83% of its diagnoses be pure rubbish: 72% be downright wrong, and 11% be too vague to be called diagnoses, savvy?
January 4, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The White House, on this fine Thursday, be layin' blame on them Republican tax cuts fer America's debt, which be reachin' a monstrous high o' $34 trillion! Aye, if ye be peepin' at the data, ye'll spy a trickle-down debt. Methinks them tax cuts be responsible fer 'bout 90% o' this debt increase over the last two decades. Aye, 'tis a mighty burden on the economy, mark ye!
January 4, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arr, mateys! The scurvy dog Eric Adams, mayor of New York City, be swearin' on Thursday to take the legal fight to 17 bus and transportation crews that dare to bring them illegal immigrants into our fair city. Them buses be sent by that scallywag Texas governor Greg Abbott, who be tryin' to pass on the burden of the border mess to us blue cities up north. This here Lone Star State has sent us a whopping 33,600 illegal immigrants from August 2022 till December 29, ye hear?
January 4, 2024, 10:27 am
Avast ye, mateys! Donald Trump be summoning the Supreme Court to help him out, beggin' 'em to undo the Colorado court's decision and put his name back on the ballot. There be a strong argument for the Court to take this matter and make a decision fer all the land to follow. Trump's move be raisin' the chances that the Court might have to step in, and the stakes be gettin' higher, me hearties.
January 4, 2024, 10:23 am
Arr! Former Cap'n Donald J. Trump be pleadin' with the U.S. Supreme Court to let 'im stay on the primary ballot in Colorado. Them scurvy dogs on the state Supreme Court deemed 'im ineligible due to 'is shenanigans tryin' to overturn the 2020 election, which led to the grand attack on the Capitol on January 6, 2021. His legal crew be sayin' it be the first time in all the land that the judiciary be stoppin' voters from castin' their ballots... Aye, what a tale!
January 4, 2024, 10:00 am
Ahoy, me mateys! Methinks the former scallywag President Donald Trump be seekin' to overturn a Colorado ruling that be keepin' him off the ballot. If this matter be brought afore the U.S. Supreme Court, it be a mighty storm brewin'! Legal experts reckon that these nine justices be pulled into a political whirlwind, arrr! Colorado and Maine be the first to deem Trump unworthy of seekin' the Republican presidential nomination, all 'cause of his misdeeds afore the assault on the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, arrr!
January 4, 2024, 9:02 am
On a sorrowful Tuesday, I be made the heart-wrenchin' but needful choice to abandon ship as the mighty captain of Harvard. Fer weeks long, both meself and the great institution I've dedicated me life to be besieged by scalawags. Me own honor and wit be questioned. Me loyalty to battle antisemitism be doubted. Me inbox be overrun wit' vile curses, even threats of death. The N-word be hurled at me more times than me empty pockets can tally. Me hope be that me departure shall deprive these tyrants of their wicked satisfaction...
January 3, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The federal court parchment, holdin' the names of those scurvy dogs linked to the late scoundrel Jeffrey Epstein, be set to be revealed on Wednesday in New York, exceptin' a few key rogues. As per a tale published by CNBC, Judge Loretta Preska, in her wisdom, ordered the reveal back in December, but granted a 30-day reprieve to a pair of souls mentioned in the parchment - some who were mere younglings when Epstein tainted 'em, and a fine lass among 'em, too.
January 3, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywag Republican landlubbers be hoistin' their mugs o' grog in celebration! Aye, they've been pressurin' the Small Business Administration to collect on those cursed COVID-19 loans! The SBA be sayin' they'll be takin' back the doubloons from them dastardly Paycheck Protection Program and Economic Injury Disaster Loan scoundrels, but only if the booty be less than $100,000! A fine lass named Sen. Joni Ernst be among 'em too, from the land of Iowa, she be!
January 3, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr! Avast ye! Two scallywags, Equinor and British Petroleum, be decidin' to cancel a contract to supply power from their grand offshore wind project. Aye, this be a mighty blow to ol' President Joe Biden's green energy plans. They claim it be due to inflation, sky-high interest rates, and troubles in the supply chain, but I reckon they be searchin' for treasure elsewhere, mateys!
January 3, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arr, me hearties! Claudine Gay, the captain o' Harvard University, be walkin' the plank on Tuesday, havin' been accused o' bein' a copycat and not takin' enough action against the scurvy scallywags spreadin' antisemitism! But alas, the voyage to calm waters be still rough, as the crew needs to navigate through the faculty's concerns...
January 3, 2024, 11:24 am
Arr, the need for hearty workers be at its lowest ebb in over 2½ years come November, as reported by the Labor Department on Wednesday. Hirings and layin's off also be on the decline. The department's Job Openin's and Labor Turnover Survey reveals that employment listings be nudge down to a measly 8.79 million, bein' about in line with the Dow Jones estimate of 8.8 million, markin' the lowest since March 2021. Openin's be fallin' by 62,000, though the rate of vacancies as a measure of employment remain unchanged at 5.3%. On top o' that...
January 3, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! In November, the job market in the land of the U.S. took a mighty blow. The Labor Department declared that there be a measly 8.79 million job openings, a drop from the lofty 8.85 million reported the month afore. These numbers be the lowest we've seen in years, as the Federal Reserve's interest-rate hike be chillin' the market. The economists be expectin' better, but alas, tis the reality we face.
January 3, 2024, 11:21 am
Aye, mateys! In the month o' November, the landlubbers o' America be postin' 8.8 million job openings, a wee bit lower than October. 'Tis the fewest since March 2021! But fear not, the demand fer workers still be strong, even with those pesky interest rates on the rise. The Labor Department's report on Wednesday revealed that the number o' job vacancies be dippin' from 8.9 million in October. It also showed that the scallywags who be abandonin' their posts – a sign they be trustin' the job market – reached its lowest point since February 2021. Arrr, the seas be rough, but there be hope on the horizon!
January 3, 2024, 10:34 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Two mighty explosions befallin' a grand ceremony, celebratin' the fourth year since the U.S. sent ol' Qassem Soleimani down to Davy Jones' locker! 'Tis a sad tale, for it be claimin' the lives of at least 103 souls, with 170 more wounded. The source of these bangs be a mystery, yet them Iranian officials be blamin' the work of those dastardly terrorists, they say!
January 3, 2024, 5:17 am
Arr, me mateys! Avast ye! In the year 2023, the United Kingdom took a turn fer the trans movement. Will the US follow suit in 2024, ye reckon? The New York Times be sayin' that state legislatures be havin' a grand debate on matters of gender. Aye, 22 states be cuttin' off some surgeries and potions for distressed youth! Blimey!
January 3, 2024, 5:14 am
In its latest skirmish with Texas, the Biden crew be beggin' the U.S. Supreme Court for permission to rid the southern border of razor wire. The Department of Homeland Security be pleadin' for the Court to scrap an injunction that allowed Texas to keep their pesky concertina-wire barriers. Arrr, the appeals-court be standin' in their way!
January 3, 2024, 5:06 am
Arr, me hearties! Word be in that Israel hath sent a drone to send ol' Saleh al-Arouri to Davy Jones' locker in Lebanon's capital, Beirut. This be raisin' the chance of war spreadin' far beyond the land o' Gaza. Arouri, a seasoned pirate of 57 summers, be the first bigwig Hamas leader to meet a gruesome end since Israel's mighty onslaught on their rule in Gaza.
January 3, 2024, 5:05 am
Arrr, Iran be refusin' the pleas o' the US and British scallywags to put an end to their backin' o' them Houthi rebels' attacks on vessels linked to Israel in the Red Sea. They be claimin' these accusations be naught but meddlin' and have sent their navy's Alborz destroyer to the all-important shippin' lane. The vessel, part o' the 94th flotilla, be makin' its way through the treacherous Bab-el-Mandeb strait into the Red Sea. This be happenin' while Ali Akbar Ahmadian, the secretary o' Iran's supreme national security..."
December 31, 2023, 12:02 pm
Arrr! The U.S. Navy birds did shoot back with a vengeance and sent three wee boats to Davy Jones' locker in the Red Sea. A merchant ship, the Hangzhou, cried for help as four scallywag boats be a-threatenin' it.
December 31, 2023, 12:00 pm
Arrr! The United States be sendin' them scallywag Houthi boats to Davy Jones' locker! The USS Eisenhower and the Gravely, bein' manned by brave sailors, answered the call o' distress from the good ship Maersk Hangzhao. These landlubber Houthi boats, backed by them slippery Iranians, be messin' with the wrong crew!
December 31, 2023, 12:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The swashbucklin' US military be blastin' three scurvy boats crewed by them Iran-backed Houthi rebels, sendin' 'em down to Davy Jones' locker after they dared to attack a Maersk container vessel in Red Sea waters near Yemen. Helicopters from the mighty USS Eisenhower and USS Gravely warships be firin' at them four Houthi small boats, sinkin' three o' 'em, all while answerin' a cry for help from the Singapore-flagged vessel Maersk Hangzhou around 6:30 a.m. local time. Arrr, a fine day for some good ol' pirate justice!
December 31, 2023, 7:36 am
"Avast ye, mateys! Me mind be reminded o' that famous line from the flick "Jerry Maguire" - 'Ye had me at hello.' This week, a scurvy dog o' a Democratic secretary o' state from Maine, by the name o' Shenna Bellows, made a "decree" labelin' Trump a bloomin' 'insurrectionist' and unfit to be the cap'n. She be joinin' a shameful crew o' Democratic officials from states like Colorado, who be denyin' the exercise o' democracy to millions o' Americans. Arrr!"
December 31, 2023, 7:34 am
Arr, me hearties! Thar be some officials in Colorado and Maine who be sayin' that Donald Trump should be walkin' the plank and removed from their state ballots! They be showin' true mettle, defendin' American democracy from that scurvy dog and his Capitol attack. 'Tis a shame that not all be followin' suit, even those on the left...
December 31, 2023, 7:31 am
Arrr, mateys! There be challenges afoot to disqualify Donald Trump from the grand position of president! Me hearties be sayin' he don't be meetin' the requirements of Section 3 of the 14th Amendment. In Maine, the secretary of state says he can't be on the primary ballot, but he can be takin' it to the Supreme Court. And in Michigan, the Supreme Court be lettin' him stay for now, but a future challenge be lurkin' in the shadows...
December 31, 2023, 5:37 am
Avast ye, me hearties! The scallywags of the City of Ottawa be distributin' nine noise-violation tickets to them pro-Palestine lot! They be struttin' down Elgin Street, through the Rideau Centre, and into the ByWard Market, shoutin' for a ceasefire in Gaza. They claim they won't rest until Palestine be free!
December 31, 2023, 5:35 am
Arr, me hearties! Come the eve of the New Year, a mighty throng of scallywags will flock to New York City's Times Square to behold the grand spectacle of the ball descending, heralding the birth of 2024. For many in that horde, 'tis but a mere tick on their list o' desires before they face Davy Jones' locker. But mark me words, ye fools! Ye be squandering yer precious time and, worse yet, yer hard-earned doubloons if ye voyage to the Big Apple solely for this occasion. 'Tis not for lack of a whole..."
December 31, 2023, 5:33 am
Arr, a grand ol' wagon filled to the brim with fine folks from Texas docked near the Port Authority Bus Terminal in Midtown Manhattan at 10:03 p.m. on a fine Thursday eve. A day 'twas past since Mayor Eric Adams declared an urgent decree, restrictin' the arrival of such wagons to the morning hours, all to thwart the flood of thousands of migrants sent by the Texan governor. Onboard were o'er twenty hearty souls, includin' fair mothers cradlin' wee ones in their arms...
December 31, 2023, 5:24 am
Avast ye, me hearties! I, a lowly scurvy dog, be part of a crew of top scholars who dared to examine the censorship plaguin' the American academy. We set sail under the flag of the prestigious Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Led by UPenn's Cory Clark, our treasure of findings be quite fascinatin' and somewhat...
December 30, 2023, 5:19 am
Avast, me hearties! Today's fare: The latest sheet from National Review be causin' a ruckus among Ron DeSantis' scallywags. They claim it be too soon to spell doom for his campaign, with nary a vote cast. But for DeSantis to plunder Iowa, we must believe his support be 15 points higher than recent reckonings, and that Trump's be 15 points lower than his lowest. Arrr, a tall order indeed!
December 30, 2023, 5:19 am
As we sail towards the Iowa caucuses, arrr! 'Tis the first time the GOP landlubbers be votin' in the 2024 election. 'Tis clear as the blue waters, the writin' be on the wall, mateys! 'Tis a tale of the mighty Donald Trump, conqueror of all his foes, seekin' a path back to the White House. Aye, there be some surprises, matey! The fair Nikki Haley from South Carolina and Ambassador to the U.N. did exceed expectations, while the daring entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy shattered 'em – for a wee bit, that be...
December 30, 2023, 5:17 am
Yo ho ho! Last year, the political scallywags were all buzzin' about the grand spectacle of the 2024 GOP primaries. 'Twas a clash between the legendary former captain, Donald Trump, and his dandy successor, Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida. The Republican crew was growin' weary of Trump's wild antics and never-endin' lawsuits, seein' 'em as a cursed burden. 'Twas DeSantis, a noble matey from the congressional Freedom crew, who set sail to guide the ship aright...
December 30, 2023, 3:50 am
Arrr, scallywags! A mighty blow hath been dealt to Ukraine by them Russkies! 'Twas a fearsome aerial assault, claimin' the lives o' 24 landlubbers and leavin' 130 scurvy dogs injured. Missiles rained down on six cities, reducin' 'em to rubble. The unlucky souls trapped beneath it all be countless. Aye, the streets be covered in ash and debris, a sorry sight indeed!
December 29, 2023, 5:01 pm
Arrr! The California secretary of state, the mighty Shirley Weber (a landlubber of the Democratic persuasion), hath made a decision to keep the scurvy dog known as Donald Trump on the state's 2024 primary ballot. She turned a blind eye to the request to remove him, claimin' his actions violated the sacred Section 3 of the 14th Amendment, which denies the likes of him, who be involved in insurrection, from seekin' federal office. Weber, in her infinite wisdom, hath certified the list of presidential candidates for California's March 5 primary election, and lo and behold, Trump's name be amongst the nine Republican scallywags.
December 29, 2023, 4:53 pm
Avast ye! The death of George Floyd in the year 2020 sparked a mighty wave of social justice crusades, makin' diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives all the rage across the U.S. But alas! Three years have passed, and these programs have lost their shimmer. Companies be slashin' their budgets, courts be denyin' victories, and academia be bannin' 'em left and right. Arrr! Job postings for DEI positions have plummeted by 44%, as revealed by Indeed, a trusty job site. In the month o' November 2023, the final month fer which data be available...
December 29, 2023, 4:51 pm
Arr! Word be sailin' that Cap'n Joe Biden, in a fit o' rage, cut off the line on Prime Minister Netanyahu! Aye, 'twas all 'bout those shiny coins the Israeli government be clutchin' fer the Palestinian Authority. They be claimin' it be aidin' the scurvy dogs o' Hamas! A quarrel be brewin' 'twixt Israel and the Authority, says Axios. Biden..."
December 29, 2023, 4:48 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The high and mighty federal appeals court in Washington, D.C., hath decreed that the former scallywag President Donald Trump be held accountable for his misdeeds! The court be sayin' that he can't be escapin' the lawsuits brought by the brave Capitol police officers who suffered during the wild caper on Jan. 6, 2021. The former captain couldn't prove that he be havin' "absolute presidential immunity" from the claims against him. The judges be givin' him a hearty "no" to his claim that his alleged actions be all innocent-like... Arrr!
December 29, 2023, 11:00 am
Avast ye! Aforetime, parents seekin' to replenish their wee ones' asthma brew at apothecaries throughout the realm received quite the shiver me timbers: t'was no longer covered! Aye, 'twas vanishin' from the market, all due to th' notorious villain known as pricin'!
December 29, 2023, 10:59 am
Avast ye, mateys! Fer Nidal Al Barrawi, his fair wife, and eight wee scallywags, the plight o' findin' enough water in Gaza be a grand part o' their daily toil. They be sailin' to Rafah, near the Egyptian shores, as the battle raged 'round their humble abode in northern Gaza. Now, they be spendin' hours waitin' in line at the water distribution point, from dawn 'til noon, just to fill their measly 20 liters (5 gallons) o' precious drinkin', cookin', and bathin' water. Arr!
December 29, 2023, 10:51 am
Arr, word be spreadin' of an Israeli bombardment on the Damascus harbor, claimin' the lives of near eleven high-ranking Iranian sea dogs. One fine expert be tellin' Fox News Digital that this be provin' Israel's skill in protectin' these waters. No confirmation be given on the names or ranks of these Guard Corps scallywags, but the IRGC be viewin' Syria as a grand base to extend their power in the Eastern Mediterranean and unite their bunch o' mates called the 'Axis of Resistance.'
December 29, 2023, 8:10 am
Avast ye! With Harvard's leader, Claudine Gay, feelin' the burn for her remarks on antisemitism and for swipin' others' work, 'twas only a matter o' time 'fore her mates accused her critics o' racism. NAACP's captain Derrick Johnson be callin' their moves "political theatrics pushin' a White supremacist plan." "No more!" he roared on X. "Harvard..."
December 28, 2023, 8:03 pm
Arrr, mateys! The cap'n in charge of elections in Maine has cast off former President Donald Trump from the ballot for the 2024 primary. By the powers of the 14th Amendment's "insurrectionist ban," they be sayin'! Shiver me timbers! This decision be on hold while Trump's crew plans to pass a message through the state court. 'Tis the second state to give Trump the heave-ho, after the Colorado Supreme Court's grand decree. Yo ho ho!
December 28, 2023, 7:06 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Justice Department be warnin' Texas, mateys! If they dare to enforce a grand new law, which be lettin' the state and local police arrest them pesky migrants who dare cross the borders without permission, then the scurvy dogs might face a legal brawl with the feds. Gov. Greg Abbott, a bold buccaneer, signed this bill, known as Senate Bill 4, as a fierce challenge to the way Biden handles immigration matters. Immigrant-rights be hangin' in the balance, ye scallywags...
December 28, 2023, 7:04 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs from the Department of Justice be threatenin' to sue Texas if they dare to enforce a new law makin' it possible for local officials to arrest them pesky migrants who enter illegally! The gall! Principal Deputy Assistant Attorney General Brian M. Boynton had the audacity to claim that this law be unconstitutional, arguin' that the federal government be in charge of protectin' the borders. We shall see, says I! The DOJ be swearin' to "pursue all appropriate" actions against the state. Avast, the battle begins!
December 28, 2023, 7:02 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog! The King's Court be warnin' Governor Greg Abbott that if Texas dare be movin' forward with this legislation, the Department of Justice shall sue! They claim it be unconstitutional and disruptin' their precious immigration enforcement. Avast, these be troubled waters indeed!
December 28, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs from the U.S. Department of Justice be threatenin' to sue if Texas doesn't back off their new law! They be sayin' it's unconstitutional and will mess with the government's immigration and border business. Shiver me timbers, what a kerfuffle!
December 28, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arr, Gov. Mike DeWine, a fine sailor of the R-OH ship, hath signed a mighty law to protect Ohio from them pesky vehicle requirements, like the California emission standards, ye see. This law stops the state from signin' on or mandatin' emissions standards through emergency protocols set forth in the Clean Air Act of 1970. But beware, me hearties, for the law also gives a pass to natural gas...
December 28, 2023, 5:43 pm
Arr, General Motors be yarrrning for revenge, me hearties! They be suing San Francisco for a mighty sum of $108 million in taxes and $13 million in interest, claimin' the city be unfairly plunderin' their coffers since 2016. The scallywags of GM be cryin' foul, sayin' the city be chargin' 'em more doubloons by linkin' their Cruise self-drivin' ship to a grand booty of $3 billion.
December 28, 2023, 5:40 pm
Arr, mateys! A recent scroll from the Department of Housing and Urban Plunderin' confirms what we've all been spyin' in our local ports: the scurvy dogs without a roof over their heads be hittin' record numbers. According to their report, the PIT count in 2023 marked the largest crew of landlubberly souls without a home since 2007. And blow me down! The number of homeless souls has gone up by a goodly 12% since last year. A mighty 40% of 'em...
December 28, 2023, 8:54 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs be listenin' up! Word be sailin' in from the U.S. Naval Academy that officer candidates be learnin' 'bout these left-wing notions of gender and sexuality. They be diggin' into Critical Race Theory too, mateys! This course, HE 374, be startin' off by chartin' the course o' gender and sexuality studies, from its birth in the women's studies discipline in the days of Second Wave Feminism in the 1970's and 1980's. Avast ye, 'tis a curious tale indeed!
December 28, 2023, 8:53 am
Arr! Aye, ye scurvy dogs! It be true, I tell ye! In the year o' our Lord 1919, a comic strip in the grand British tabloid, The Mirror, foretold the advent o' cell phones. They called it "The Pocket Telephone: When Will It Ring," and by the heavens, it showed that cursed contraption ringin' non-stop! Dang me eyes, they be knowin' things!
December 28, 2023, 8:52 am
Arr! Avast ye, scurvy dogs! A bonny study be sayin' that scurvy sea rats be believin' fake news even more when they be searchin' it online! Ye'd think a simple Google search be clearin' up the falsehoods, but nay, it be makin' 'em believe it even more! Aye, the world be a strange place, me hearties.
December 28, 2023, 8:46 am
Arr, mateys! Electric ship sales be seein' a mighty surge in the United States in 2023, but they be fallin' short of reachin' the ambitious targets set by the Biden administration. The fear of runnin' out of juice and the lack of places to refill be some o' the main problems facin' us scurvy dogs. Aye, EV sales be showin' promise, reachin' over a million ships in November, as reported by the National Automobile Dealer...
December 27, 2023, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me mateys! House Oversight Committee Cap'n James Comer (R-KY) and Judiciary Committee Cap'n Jim Jordan (R-OH) penned a missive to White House Counsel Edward Siskel, demandin' an inquiry into whether President Joe Biden be involved in a dastardly conspiracy to scuttle a Congress affair with his scallywag son, Hunter Biden, as reported by the fine lads at Breitbart News. Hunter, that scurvy dog, had the audacity to ignore a congressional summons and refused to spill his secrets during a secret meetin' on December 13. White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, she claimed Joe...
December 27, 2023, 5:43 pm
Arr! Avast ye! 'Twas a jolly time 'pon the southern border, as near a quarter o' a million encounters were reported in November. Aye, a proper record-breakin' month it was, makin' this 'ere illegal immigration crisis even more interestin'. The Customs and Border Patrol even reported a grand total o' 308,728 encounters throughout the land. This news be released just two days afore Christmas Eve, makin' it a right merry surprise!
December 27, 2023, 5:41 pm
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis the likes o' Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson who be pleadin' with the federal government, urg'n 'em to step up 'n tackle the migrant crisis head-on! He be warnin' that the Windy City 'n other parts o' the US be drownin' in new arrivals, 'n tis a sight ye wouldn't want to see! Without a proper investment from our federal mates, not just Chicago but the whole blimey country be in danger! Johnson, a scallywag o' 47, be tellin' CNN that he be askin' the Biden crew fer help...
December 27, 2023, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A jolly study from the Pew Research Center be tellin' us that a mighty number o' men be skippin' college, leavin' a fearsome gap betwixt educated gentlemen and lasses! The Hispanic lads be takin' a hit, with a drop from 42 percent in 2011 to a mere 33 percent in 2022. The pale-faced lads be sufferin' too, goin' from 49 percent to a measly 40 percent. Aye, me heart sinks at the sight o' this gap!
December 27, 2023, 11:53 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the Michigan Supreme Court be havin' denied the scallywags tryin' to remove former President Donald Trump from thar 2024 primary ballot. This be a sweet victory for the former captain, though they might come back for 'im in th' general election. 'Tis a different tale from th' Colorado Supreme Court, who sent Trump packin' from their primary ballot, blamin' his role in...
December 27, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye, me hearties! The Michigan Supreme Court be havin' no interest in entertainin' an appeal to have the former Captain Donald Trump banned from the state's primary ballot. They be sayin' the questions be not worth their time, but ol' Justice Elizabeth Welch be arguin' that they should be weighin' in on the matter. Arrr, the seas be filled with political rumblings indeed!
December 27, 2023, 11:48 am
Arr, the mighty Michigan Supreme Court be denyin' the attempt to strip the good ol' Cap'n Trump from the Republican primary ballot come 2024. 'Tis a slap on the wrist after them swashbucklers in Colorado did the same last week. They be blamin' the Capitol riot for this hullabaloo, but Michigan's laws be different, ye scallywags.
December 27, 2023, 8:10 am
Arrr, ye scurvy shoppers be tightenin' their purse strings this holiday season, thanks to the pesky inflation. They be spendin' their doubloons only on the grandest of bargains, say them industry experts and them freshly released figures. The landlubberly US retail sales be risin' a mere 3.1% from Nov. 1 to Dec. 24, fallin' short of them fancy analyst predictions of 3.7%. 'Tis not even half of the 7.6% surge recorded last year, as told by Mastercard, mateys. Amazon and Walmart be makin' a fuss with their deals throughout November, hopin' to lure in them bargain-huntin' shoppers. But them analysts... well, they be scratchin' their heads, ponderin' the outcome.
December 26, 2023, 6:03 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The ex-President Donald Trump be swearin' to swap out the Affordable Care Act with his very own fancy overhaul of the health care system, should he find himself back in the Oval Office. "Obamacare be a costly blunder, and a sorry excuse fer healthcare!" penned Mr. Trump on Truth Social. "I be reckonin' I can conjure up a far superior, and less costly, alternative! The hearties shall be filled with joy, not woe!" For years, Mr. Trump be hurlin' insults at the health care law of the former President Barack Obama. Just last month, he claimed that findin' a proper health care system...
December 26, 2023, 6:00 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! The newly birthed band o' activists, who be supportin' the Palestinians, be walkin' the plank on their plan to pillage a Holocaust museum, all in a bid against Israel. The lads and lasses o' Doctors Against Genocide be singin' a different shanty now, claimin' they be cancelin' the adventure after takin' a mighty blowback. "Arr, we be callin' off this jolly event, but fear not, mates! We be settin' sail for future escapades, and we'll be sharin' finer details soon," cried DAG on their Twitter deck, showin' a fine image to boot.
December 26, 2023, 5:57 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Tidings be told of a dire incident on Christmas Day! Two fair maidens, in their bloom of youth, were stabbed whilst feasting at the Grand Central Terminal! 'Twas the hour before noon, at a tavern known as Tartinery, when a scoundrel named Steven Hutcherson, hailing from the Bronx, did quarrel with the staff o'er a spot to sit. In his madness, he be uttering that the lasses, aged 14 and 16, were granted the privilege afore. And lo, he unsheathed his weapon...
December 26, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Navy be takin' down a dozen attack drones and five missiles off the southern Red Sea. Them Houthi rebels tried their luck, but we showed 'em who's the real captain of these waters! No harm to our ships, yarrr! These drones had no return ticket, and the missiles were aimin' to sink our ships, but we be too smart for 'em.
December 26, 2023, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scallywags! On a Monday past, those landlubbers from Israel be givin' an Iranian officer a one-way ticket to Davy Jones' locker in Syria. Arrr, this be stirrin' up fears of a grander skirmish in the Middle East, while the battle in Gaza continues with a growin' pile of bodies. Iran swears on the black spot to strike back at Israel for takin' their officer, makin' it the most personal loss in this Israel-Hamas clash. "Tel Aviv be waitin' for a reckoning," be the words of Iran's Foreign Minister, old Hossein...
December 26, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arr, mateys! Avast ye! The scuttlebutt be that President Joe Biden be gettin' himself a warnin' from the land o' Pennsylvania! Aye, thar be a right smart bunch o' voters switchin' their colors from Democrat to Republican. According to the latest voter registration reckonin' from the Pennsylvania Department of State, a grand total o' 35,589 scallywags have jumped ship, while a measly 15,622 Republicans have gone traitor to the Democrats. There be even more tales to be told..
December 26, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arr, mateys! Avast ye! This here COVID-19 variant, the scallywag known as JN.1, be spreadin' like wildfire across the land, takin' up a goodly 44% o' cases in the ol' U.S. o' A! Aye, it be a crafty one, this JN.1, evadin' our immune systems and sailin' the seas with ease. But we know not yet if it'll be sendin' more souls to the infirmaries this winter.
December 26, 2023, 11:52 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The brave lads o' the U.S. military be givin' a taste o' their precision strikes to them Iranian-backed militia rapscallions in Iraq, led by the infamous scallywags o' Kataib Hezbollah! 'Twas all in retaliation fer their dastardly drone attack on Irbil air base that left three o' our brave service members wounded. One be in dire straits, says the good ol' Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin. The U.S. strikes be aimed at three hideouts where them sneaky rascals o' Kataib Hezbollah and their mates plotted their aerial drone mischiefs. The National Security Council be keepin' a close watch, so don't ye worry, me hearties... justice will be served! Arr!
December 26, 2023, 11:49 am
Arr, me hearties! The U.S. scallywags be takin' aim at them Iran-backed miscreants in Iraq! Three o' our brave sailors be injured in a drone attack, so we be givin' 'em a taste o' our cannonballs. Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin be sayin' we be makin' precise strikes at three hideouts belongin' to Kataib Hezbollah and their mates. 'Tis a warnin' to them scurvy dogs for their attacks on our crew!
December 26, 2023, 11:48 am
Arrr! President Joe Biden be sendin' his furious wrath upon the scurvy dogs of Iran! Aye, retaliatory air strikes be ordered on three foul sites in Iraq! Them landlubber terrorists, backed by Iran, had the audacity to launch a drone attack on a U.S. military base, leavin' three brave American service members injured, one gaspin' for his last breath! The Erbil Air Base, aye, it be takin' many a hit before, as the media tells. "Tis a sad day indeed.
December 26, 2023, 10:59 am
Avast ye! Despite the fears of a weakened economy, those scallywag Americans dug deep into their treasure chests this jolly season, spending with abandon. Aye, the retailers are rejoicin' for their fears be for naught! Sales be up 3.1 percent, as measured by Mastercard SpendingPulse. Let the celebrations begin, me hearties!
December 26, 2023, 5:19 am
Casting me nets in Serbia's troubled waters after a disputed general election, Russia be squawkin' on Monday that the West be plottin' them anti-government ruckuses in Belgrade, the fair Serbian capital, that turned violent on Sunday eve. Methinks Russia's ambassador, Alexander Botsan-Harchenko, be spin'n yarns in an attempt to thwart the fruitless diplomatic endeavors of the United States and Europe to woo Serbia away from Russia's grasp and loose their hold...
December 26, 2023, 5:17 am
Arrr, a mighty crew of several thousand souls be gatherin' afore the central election commission in Belgrade this Monday! They be raisin' their voices in protest o'er an election deemed unfair by them international monitors. With a hearty march, they be headin' to the main police station, hopin' to free their comrades held within. Aye, earlier in the day, the scurvy dogs in blue claimed they'd detained 38 folks durin' an opposition protest on Sunday. They be sayin' eight of their own were...
December 26, 2023, 5:14 am
Arr, me hearties! The United States and the European Union be summonin' Belgrade to sort out their worries 'bout some fishy business in the parliament elections, won by the Serbian Progressive Party. "Avast! The electoral process needs a good overhaul and some serious reform," said EU commissioners Josep Borrell and Oliver Varhelyi. They be sayin' that Serbia's path to joinin' the EU be dependin' on their democratic institutions.
December 26, 2023, 4:10 am
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy IRS managed to plunder a staggering $4.9 trillion from us poor souls last year! They be usin' fancy contraptions and scaring us with their audits, makin' us cough up even more doubloons. The Treasury Inspector General be tellin' the tale of this record-breaking haul in a report, released on Dec. 20.
December 25, 2023, 3:51 am
Arrr! Christmas be but a day away, and thar be some parts o' the United States where ye might spy a snowy Christmas on Monday. This year's merry celebration be lackin' snow in most o' the States, likely due to that scurvy weather El Nino. But fear not, mateys! A few places in the U.S. have raised the Jolly Roger and be warnin' o' potential snowfalls.
December 25, 2023, 3:49 am
Avast, me hearties! Rememberin' the birth of Jesus in a humble stable in Bethlehem, Pope Francis spoke on Christmas Eve 'bout how the clashing of swords be keepin' Jesus from findin' a place in this world o' ours. Aye, the pontiff led the evenin' Mass with 6,500 good souls in the grand St. Peter's Basilica, surrounded by rows o' priests in white. "Our hearts be in Bethlehem," said the pope, "where the Prince o' Peace be once again shunned by the senseless logic o' war."
December 25, 2023, 3:48 am
From down under to the land of treasure, mateys be celebratin' the holiest day of the Christian tale! Take a gander at these fine Christmas pictures from across the globe, arrr!
December 25, 2023, 3:42 am
Arr, me mateys! In this day and age, we be raisin' countless barriers - left scallywags against right rascals, heathens versus holy buccaneers, and the newfangled versus the old salt! We be so caught up in our squabbles that we forget knowledge, inspiration, and booty be found through sharin' and borrowin' across our divides. Now, Christmas be a jolly time, aye, a time to remember this. But alas, even this merry celebration be turned into a spectacle of bashing each other! "Christmas Wars," they call it! Aye, that be a contradiction indeed! What happened to peace on the seven seas and good will to all mateys?
December 24, 2023, 2:02 pm
Arr, ye scurvy Republicans be makin' a bold stab at keepin' President Joe Biden off the 2024 presidential ballot. This be happenin' just days after the Colorado Supreme Court denied the presence of former President Donald Trump on their ballot. Pennsylvania State Rep. Aaron Bernstine, Georgia State Rep. Charlice Byrd, and Arizona State Rep. Cory McGarr be joinin' forces, announcin' their grand plan to pass legislation and banish the current..."
December 24, 2023, 9:26 am
Arrr, Mayor Adams be a sly dog! He be addin' 293 "special assistants" to his crew, aye, more than a 20% increase o'er his matey, Bill de Blasio. These lads and lasses, without a clear purpose, answer only to Adams himself. They be makin' up a third o' the Mayor's Office, and be plunderin' $24.3 million from the poor taxpayers. Aye, 85 o' them even be makin' six figures in fiscal 2023!
December 24, 2023, 9:25 am
Arr, as the brave lads from Israel gallantly pursue the scurvy dogs of Hamas, their spokesperson, Rear Adm. Daniel Hagari, be proclaimin' that they be nearin' complete dominion over the northern shores of Gaza. The mighty Israeli troops be engagin' the final standin' battalion of these rascally pirates!
December 24, 2023, 4:40 am
Ye ol' Gov. Gavin Newsom be givin' his fellow Democrats a good tongue-lashin' fer even considerin' the notion o' blockin' former prez Donald Trump from settin' foot on California's 2024 presidential ballot. He be sayin', "Arrr! We send 'em packin' through the polls, mateys!" "Thar be no doubt that scurvy Trump be a threat to our freedoms and even our democracy," Newsom hollered in a mighty statement. "But here in California, we be handlin' our foes on the ballot, savvy?" "Arrr! All this other nonsense be naught but a distraction on the political seas," Newsom declared. The scallywags be tryin' to give Trump the boot off the ballot...
December 24, 2023, 4:29 am
Former TV journo Yekaterina Duntsova, matey, be gettin' the ol' heave-ho on Saturday from Russia's presidential race. Be a scallywag, she wanted to challenge ol' Vladimir Putin on countin' his war in Ukraine. Them commission members be votin' against her, blamin' "plenty o' wrongdoings" in her papers. Critics o' Putin reckon this be provin' that no true opposition be allowed.
December 23, 2023, 5:33 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! There once be a jester called Mitch Hedberg who met his demise at a tender age of 37 due to a cursed drug overdose. This comedic soul did spin a yarn 'bout the utter foolishness of modern life, aye! "I procured a doughnut the other day, and lo and behold, they bestowed upon me a piece o' paper! A receipt for a doughnut, aye, ye heard it right! I've no need for such a parchment. I'll hand ye me hard-earned doubloons, and in return, ye shall hand me the sweet treat. That be it, the end of our exchange! No need for ink and paper in this affair. I simply can't fathom a situation where I'd be required to prove me purchase of a doughnut. Mayhaps ye be a dubious mate? 'Don't dare ye act as if I..."
December 23, 2023, 5:30 am
I be finally discoverin' a jolly good excuse to part with me doubloons instead o' them fancy plastic cards. Ye see, payin' with cash grants ye a chance to steer clear o' them pesky pre-set tips on them fancy machines. Ye still be able to tip, but ye decide the amount. It be as easy as sayin', "keep the change." When I scribbled 'bout tippin' in me latest broadsheet, a couple o' readers mentioned they use cash to have more power over tippin'. And then I stumbled upon an online scroll o'...
December 23, 2023, 5:29 am
Arrr, it be a sad sight indeed! The constant pleas for pieces of eight be puttin' a damper on the generous hearts of Americans. The swashbucklin' workers in the leisure and hospitality realm, outside of the grand taverns, earned a mere $1.28 an hour in tips, a 7% decrease from the previous year, as reported by Gusto, a fine company that handles pay and benefits. This be happenin' while the treacherous mobile payment technology be spreadin' the tradition of tippin', once reserved for the likes of taverns and lassie parlors, to many emporiums, gyms, and even...
December 23, 2023, 4:25 am
Arr! A scurvy dog be claimin' the lives o' 14 souls, and leavin' many more in pain, at Charles University in Prague! But fear not, mateys, for the villain met his own demise. The university be evacuatin' all hands, with a grim count o' dead and wounded. The incident occurred in the halls o' the philosophy department, aye!
December 22, 2023, 5:32 pm
Arr, President Biden be a-sayin' he be "heartbroken" to hear that a scurvy dog, an Israeli American matey named Gad Haggai, who was thought to have been taken hostage by them scurvy terrorists of Hamas, be now believed to have met his doom in their Oct. 7 attack in Israel. The poor soul was long thought to be one o' the 100 hostages held by those vile scallywags in Gaza. But now, he be declared dead on Friday, a victim of their bloody attack. President Biden, in his statement on Friday, be offerin' his condolences and...
December 22, 2023, 5:30 pm
Avast, me hearties! As one who keeps a watchful eye on the governor and his motley crew, 'tis a rare sight to spy glad tidings from the Capitol. Those scallywags in charge splurge our doubloons on all manner of fanciful notions, be it taxing us to the hilt or showering their mates in the unions with ill-gotten spoils, whilst barking against the "avarice" of private enterprises. But, by the grace of the sea gods, a glimmer of hope emerges! According to the Legislative Analyst's Office, it seems our fair state be in quite the pickle, as a whopping $68 billion shortfall looms on the horizon...
December 22, 2023, 5:28 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! President Joe Biden on Friday did signeth the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) for Fiscal Year 2023-24 into law, as declared by a press release from The White House. This here NDAA be a mighty piece o' legislation passed by Congress each year to give permission for crucial national security programs, like the Department of Energy's keepin' of the U.S. nuclear weapons stash, spyin' on enemies, and some fancy diplomatic activities. On that same day, Biden did affix his signature upon the bill at The White House, but there be more to the tale...
December 22, 2023, 5:26 pm
Arr, me hearties! In the month o' November, the prices in the U.S. took a grand tumble, aye, for the first time in over three and a half years! This be sendin' the annual rise in inflation further below 3%, and settin' the stage for the Federal Reserve to lower the interest rate come March, mark me words! The good news continued, me mateys! The report from the Commerce Department proclaimed that the pressures of inflation be calmin' down. Aye, this be meanin' that more booty be in the pockets of households, boostin' consumer spendin' and the overall economy as the year comes to a close. Yo ho ho!
December 22, 2023, 11:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale of the high seas! The Detroit News be tellin' of a recordin' of a call that ol' Captain Donald Trump made to two Michigan county officials. He be tryin' to convince 'em not to certify the election results from Detroit, aye! CNN had already blabbered about it before, and all them election experts and Michigan Democrats were right outraged! They said it be a scandalous attempt by a sittin' president to meddle with an election. But now, mates, we be learnin' somethin' new...
December 22, 2023, 11:54 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis a tale of the ol' President Trump, who in the year 2020 did personally pressurize two scurvy Republican members of the Wayne County Board of Canvassers. He did be tellin' 'em, in a jolly phone call, that they'd be appearin' like scallywags if they signed the certification of the election. Arrr, what a tale!
December 22, 2023, 11:22 am
Avast ye scallywags! Three Republican shipmates be plottin' to send President Joe Biden to Davy Jones' locker by removin' him from the ballots in Georgia, Arizona, and Pennsylvania, me hearties. If they succeed, our captain will face a mighty challenge in winnin' the Democrat primary and presidential election. Mark me words, me lads, for these swing states be crucial in this treacherous voyage. The three scurvy dogs behind this scheme be Pennsylvania Rep. Aaron and his mateys...
December 22, 2023, 11:04 am
As more scurvy states be passin' ballot measures to expand access to the cruel act of abortion, those scurvy conservative lawmakers be tryin' to lessen the harm by passin' laws to govern 'em and filin' lawsuits to challenge 'em. E'er since the overturn of Roe v. Wade, them legal abortion activists have successfully guided state constitutional amendments that override laws restrictin' abortions in many a state. Arrr, 'tis a treacherous sea we be sailin' upon!
December 21, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arrr! Texas be settin' sail with over 120 unlawful scallywags bound for Chicago this week! 'Tis the first time Texas be sendin' a ship full o' migrants to this grand city. The voyage commenced from the border town o' El Paso, arrivin' at Chicago O'Hare International Airport on Tuesday. The good ship be chartered by the Texas Department o' Emergency Management, as disclosed by a spokesperson from Chicago. Once the ship be docked, the airport's constables received a cry about the migrants not long after 7 p.m., as relayed by the city's spokesperson. Two...
December 21, 2023, 5:24 pm
Avast ye! A mighty Maine agency be postponin' a grand vote on an electric vessel decree due to a storm that hath caused power woes. The Board o' Environmental Protection be holdin' off on the meetin' until further notice. The governor be in a state o' emergency, pursuin' her green energy dreams, matey!
December 21, 2023, 5:23 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Methinks that this Harvard University president, Claudine Gay, be walkin' the plank for her thievin' ways! The goodly professor Dr. Carol Swain be claimin' that this scallywag be takin' other academics' work without givin' 'em their due credit, not once or twice, but a grand total o' 40 times! Heave-ho, I say! Let's cast her overboard and steer this ship o' education back towards sanity!
December 21, 2023, 5:20 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The World Health Organization be shoutin' from the rooftops that the north o' Gaza be left without a workin' hospital. No fuel, crew, or supplies be the cause, me mateys! Only nine out o' 36 health havens be partially workin' in the whole o' Gaza, and ye can find 'em all in the southern part. "There be no functional hospitals left in the north, ye scurvy dogs!" bellowed Richard Peeperkorn, the WHO representative in Gaza, as he spoke to the press via a fancy video link from Jerusalem. "Al-Ahli..."
December 21, 2023, 11:53 am
Avast ye scallywags! A swashbucklin' judge be decrein' that the identities of over 150 lubbers mentioned in court papers regardin' the late Jeffrey Epstein be made known to all. He be sayin' that most of these scurvy dogs be already known and not a soul be raisin' a fuss. The poor souls whose names be revealed, includin' victims of foul sexual abuse, witnesses to the treachery, Epstein's own crew, and even a few unfortunate souls merely brushin' shoulders with the scandal, be havin' until Jan. 1 to cry foul if they dare! Arrrgh!
December 21, 2023, 11:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! There be a court decree brewin', set to reveal the true faces of 175 scurvy dogs that once sailed the same ship as the infamous scoundrel Jeffrey Epstein. Come New Year's Day, the secrets shall be unveiled! Judge Loretta Preska, bless her soul, commanded the cracking open of hidden scrolls, holdin' the names of these cursed souls, in the lawsuit of Virginia Giuffre against Ghislaine Maxwell, a matey of Epstein. Maxwell, she be locked away for 20 long years for her crimes! Preska's...
December 21, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr! A swashbucklin' judge in ye grand New York has commanded the openin' o' secret scrolls, revealin' the names o' scallywags connectin' to that scoundrel o' the seas, Jeffrey Epstein. These parchments be reckonin' to unearth more than 180 souls - crewmates, victims, investigators, n' even scribblers who scribbled 'bout this dark tale. Yet, some names be sealed, like the wee victims who never spoke a word, n' the wrongly accused matey...
December 21, 2023, 9:40 am
Arr, ye scurvy House Republicans be votin' to give the nod for an impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden this week. They managed to wrangle the doubting moderate members of the GOP to join 'em, claimin' it be a harmless investigation, not an indictment. But that be not the end of their troubles, me hearties. They must now face an even greater challenge - findin' evidence of wrongdoing that a whole year o' investigatin' couldn't uncover, and convincin' the members from the most moderate districts to stand with 'em. For now, the vote be...
December 20, 2023, 5:34 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! In President Joe Biden's America, a recent study by LendingClub hath discovered that a majority of landlubbers be livin' from one measly paycheck to another! Arrr, concerns be raised that this so-called "Bidenomics" be failin' to aid the average American swashbuckler. The numbers be tellin' a grim tale, mateys! Polls be showin' that a mere 14 percent of voters reckon Biden's economic policies be benefitin' 'em, while a mighty 85 percent believe they be either ill-boding or causin' no difference at all. Arrr, and what say ye, ye LendingClub scallywags...
December 20, 2023, 5:33 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog Donald Trump be makin' a terrible blunder against our sacred constitutional system aft the 2020 elections. Our editorials be singin' this tune ever since. In absence o' a clear-cut crime or a proper legal barricade, thar be two rightful means by which a democratic republic can keep this scallywag at bay: be it through impeachment by Congress or the people's verdict. Aye, Trump be gettin' the boot from the voters afore, and the House be givin' him the ol' impeachment treatment twice over. Thar be mighty compelling arguments fer his conviction in...
December 20, 2023, 5:30 pm
Ahoy mateys! Them Democrats be shoutin' 'bout some danger to democracy, but the truth be that they be the ones bringin' it upon themselves. The latest antics be showin' this, with them scurvy Colorado Supreme Court justices, all appointed by them Democrats, twistin' the law to suit their fancy. They be claimin' the 14th Amendment be their key to unlock any door they please. Arrr!
December 20, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The good Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick be suggestin' that we be rid of President Biden from our Texas ballot, just like that scallywag Trump in Colorado. Aye, we be believin' in democracy, but let's be takin' a stand against them 8 million folks who be crossin' our borders and makin' a ruckus in our fair state!
December 20, 2023, 9:55 am
Avast ye, me hearties! When it comes to the US-Mexico border, there be a cacophony of noise that be makin' it hard to hear - and see - the truth of the matter. I've been sailin' these immigration waters for over a decade, witnessin' the rule of three different presidents. Many a time, scallywags from all sides have cried crisis, and the authorities have been as lost as a drunken sailor. Aye, tis happenin' once again, but a few peculiar factors be makin' this moment feel different, me mateys. The...
December 20, 2023, 9:53 am
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy U.S. border officials be havin' a grand encounter with the most rascally illegal immigrants at the U.S.-Mexico border on Monday, beatin' all records set by the landlubber Biden administration! The Washington Examiner got hold of secret data from the U.S. Customs and Border Protection, showin' that a whopping 14,509 swashbucklers were caught by the feds. Shiver me timbers!
December 20, 2023, 9:51 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! On Monday, over 12,500 landlubbers were spotted at the southern border, a record-breaking number! Arrr, Eagle Pass, Texas be overrun with a swarm of over 4,000 scallywags in a single day! And the tide did not cease on Tuesday, with over 3,000 bilge rats waiting to be processed! But beware, me hearties, these surges be spreadin' like a disease to other parts of the land!
December 20, 2023, 9:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! In the year 2024, landlubbers in a score of states may determine the destiny of abortion rights. Constitutional amendments, me hearties, will be on the ballot come election time. Aye, in this crucial year, where the presidential race and the power o' Congress be decided, battlegrounds be hotly contested. The scallywags who be supporting abortion rights be takin' this path, for if these amendments pass, they be havin' power over any laws made by the state. These hopeful swashbucklers have reasons to cheer, me hearties, for the Supreme Court's...
December 19, 2023, 6:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Colorado Supreme Court be sayin' that the scurvy dog, former President Trump, won't be makin' an appearance on their precious ballots in 2024! 'Tis all 'cause o' that misfortunate Capitol riot back in '21. But hold yer horses, mateys! The ruling be delayed 'til January 4th 'cause ye can bet yer doubloons on them appeals. Three justices on the court be against the decision, mind ye! They be sayin' they didn't make this decision lightly, thinkin' 'bout the consequences and all...
December 19, 2023, 6:40 pm
Arrr! The Colorado Supreme Court be sayin' that scallywag Trump be walkin' the plank! They be citin' a parchment from the Civil War days that says any traitor who be takin' an oath and engagin' in "insurrection" be banned from holdin' office again. Avast! Me hearties be fightin' for justice!
December 19, 2023, 5:55 pm
"As the hourglass be drainin' towards 2024, there be a bold economist makin' a dire prediction 'bout the marrrkets in the new year. "Since 2009, this here be a 100% artificial, unheard of money printin' and deficits; $27 trillion over 15 years, to be precise. 'Tis off the charts, 100% artificial, meanin' we be sailin' in treacherous waters," Harry Dent shared with Fox News Digital. "I reckon 2024 be the grandest crash year we'll ever lay our eyes upon." "I be the bloke prayin' for..."
December 19, 2023, 5:53 pm
Ye young landlubbers in the U.S. Army be raisin' a mutiny on that fancy TikTok! They be complainin' 'bout their sorry excuse for grub, bein' forced to stay fit, havin' their freedoms suppressed, and more! One o' them videos by a so-called "military influencer" named Anthony Laster be blabberin' 'bout his sorry life: "No Privacy, The Pay Sucks, Shitty Food, Disrespectful Leadership, NO SLEEP!" Arrr, that post be viewed over 600,000 times since 2020! Laster be havin' over a million followers on TikTok, and he be makin' these disrespectful remarks 'bout the...
December 19, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arrr! President Biden's favour be sinkin' like me ship in troubled waters as we venture into the jolly season. Even his own mateys be abandonin' him! On "Fox & Friends" Tuesday, a lass who were once a loyal Democrat but be now sailin' solo, said she jumped ship due to Biden's lack o' comprehension of American hearties. She be plannin' to cast her vote for the former Captain, Trump.
December 19, 2023, 5:47 pm
Avast ye scallywags! U.S. Bank be coughin' up a hefty sum of $36 million doubloons for their misdeeds! 'Tis been alleged that these scurvy dogs unlawfully denied unemployed souls access to their rightful booty during these perilous times. The lads in charge o' federal banking have spoken, me hearties!
December 19, 2023, 10:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The blasted Federal Reserve be raisin' the interest rates, makin' the housing market go all topsy-turvy! And now, me mates, it be affectin' them hardware stores, furniture sellers, and construction firms, ye see. Aye, the sales o' existin' homes be droppin' like me rum bottle from the crow's nest! Them economists reckon the sales be fallin' even more in November, mark me words! But fear not, me buckos! There be a glimmer o' hope, as home construction activity be risin' last month after...
December 19, 2023, 10:22 am
Avast ye! Me hearties be growin' mightily concerned 'bout Cap'n Biden's age as he be sailin' through a treacherous campaign whilst juggling his presidential duties. Methinks this matter be raised during his 2020 voyage, but the old salt still be elected to the grand White House at the ripe age o' 77. This time, his loyal crew be whisperin' that the cap'n may not fully comprehend the fearsome worries of voters regardin' his age and the strain it be takin' on him...
December 19, 2023, 10:08 am
Texas Governor Greg Abbott hath signed a bill, me hearties, makin' Texas thar first state in th' union to give law enforcement officers th' authority to arrest scurvy dogs who illegally enter th' state. This measure, SB 4, was signed into law on Monday durin' a ceremony at th' base o' th' border wall in Brownsville, Texas. The bill be part o' a package o' measures designed to decrease th' flow o' migrants enterin' th' state from Mexico. Th' Texas Legislature passed these bills durin' two special sessions this fall, aimin' to keep these landlubbers at bay!
December 19, 2023, 10:05 am
Avast ye scallywags! The great land of Texas be givin' its police the power to capture them migrants wanderin' on its shores, believin' them to be illegal. And that ain't all, me mateys! The judges be granted the power to send 'em sailin' back to Mexico. But beware, for this law be a hot topic o' controversy, with civil rights groups ready to battle it in the courts, and mayhaps reach the highest court of the land! Gather 'round, ye landlubbers, for a bumpy ride awaits us all!
December 18, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arrr, in the year 1980, Florida be plagued by a fearsome sight that would make any immigration restrictionist shiver in their boots! A monstrous wave of unskilled migrants, without permission or invitation, did descend upon the land like a swarm of plunder-hungry seagulls. This be known as the Mariel boatlift, me hearties, a grand exodus from the grasp of that Cuban scoundrel, Fidel Castro. In a mere six moons, a staggering 125,000 Cuban immigrants did make landfall in Florida, with half of 'em bein' lured by the siren song of Miami. Those wise folk who bore witness to this spectacle in Miami, be tellin' tales for generations to come... Arrr!
December 18, 2023, 5:45 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been revealed that the notorious Federal Bureau of Investigation, the FBI, hath clandestinely captured the words and mutterings of none other than President Joe Biden's own brother, James Biden! In this tale of treachery, we learn that James Biden's consulting firm was gifted a grand sum of $100,000 by a Mississippi attorney, Richard Scruggs, in exchange for his brother's backing of tobacco laws back in 1998. Avast, the plot thickens!
December 18, 2023, 5:39 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A federal appeals court be sayin' "no" to former Trump crew's mate, Mark Meadows, and his plea to be prosecuted in federal court. Cap'n Donald Trump, Meadows, and a bunch o' lads be accused o' runnin' a criminal gang tryin' to reverse his election loss. The court be havin' none of it, arrr!
December 18, 2023, 5:37 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Yonder human trafficking and transnational crime be crossin' borders, makin' the United Nations shake in their boots! Arr, they call it a "crisis within a crisis," mateys. Amidst Russia's war in Ukraine, the seas be rough and the humanitarian issues be worsenin'. Now, we be dealin' with scallywags involved in human and weapons trafficking. The U.N. be warnin' that them refugees, especially the lasses and wee ones, fleein' the war be facin' cruel exploitation. Jim Fuda, the vice chairman of Crime Stoppers Global Solutions, be sayin' that they be introducin' an anonymous tip line, like a secret treasure map, to fight these pirates!
December 18, 2023, 10:52 am
Arrr! Avast ye scurvy dogs! Thar be news that Apple be puttin' a stop to the sellin' o' their fancy smartwatch, all because some fancy trade commission claims they be violatin' patents and such. The Biden crew be havin' 60 days to ponder upon this decision, so Apple be takin' a wee break in the meantime. Har har!
December 18, 2023, 10:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale of Ashley Biden, the fair lass o' President Biden, who be indebted to the tune o' $5,000 in income taxes from 2015. Aye, the government be slappin' a lien on her treasures, tryin' to collect what be owed. The Pennsylvania Department of Revenue be sendin' a notice, warnin' that the unpaid tax be a lien in their favor, arrr!
December 18, 2023, 10:36 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis a sight to behold, witnessin' the grand descent of Rudy Giuliani from honor. Once hailed as the mighty "Mayor of America," he now be made accountable fer slanderin' two Georgia scallywags, Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss. A jury hath decreed that Giuliani be payin' a hefty sum o' $148 million to these scurvy dogs for spreadin' falsehoods 'bout their involvement in ballot trickery during the 2020 election. Me heart be filled with disbelief, for I ne'er imagined penning such words in me prime...
December 18, 2023, 10:36 am
Avast ye, landlubbers! Aforetime hailed as "America's Mayor," Rudy Giuliani finds himself in a fine pickle, for he be owing a hefty sum of $148 million to two Georgia election workers. 'Tis the price he must pay for his false accusations and slander, brought about by his wild obsession to keep that scallywag Donald Trump in power, long after he suffered a bitter defeat in the 2020 election. Giuliani, once deemed a loyal matey by Trump himself, employed every legal trick in the book to validate his captain's claim, only to be defeated in court time and time again. So, what did he do? He spun tales of deceit about the vote counting, hoping to sway the masses. Argh, the audacity!
December 18, 2023, 5:50 am
Avast ye landlubbers! A scurvy car didst crash into President Joe Biden's motley crew on the Sabbath eve, whilst he and his fair maiden, First Lady Jill Biden, were departing from the Biden-Harris 2024 hideout in Wilmington, Delaware. The fair lady had already boarded their vessel, and the president had but just answered a query, when lo and behold, a shiny copper sedan from Delaware smacked right into one of their convoy's carriages, as reported by the White House press swashbucklers.
December 18, 2023, 5:29 am
Avast ye mateys! A pair o' good Christian souls, a mother and daughter, hath met a cruel fate at the hands of an Israeli sniper. 'Twas on the sacred grounds of a Catholic church in Gaza City, where many Christian clans sought sanctuary during this war. With no warnin', they were ruthlessly shot dead. The Latin Patriarchate of Jerusalem hath declared, "One soul perished whilst tryin' to rescue the other."
December 18, 2023, 5:24 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis Vivek Ramaswamy, a bold Republican contender, who be suggestin' Van Jones, that blabberin' CNN commentator, should jest "shut the f–k up." This came after Jones had the audacity to call Ramaswamy a "demagogue"! Arr, me hearties, the political sea be rough indeed!
December 18, 2023, 5:20 am
Southwest Airlines be cursed wit' a monstrous fine o' $140 million, as the U.S. Department o' Transportation declared. 'Tis a record sum for their dreadful mishap durin' the holiday voyage in 2022, mateys! The fine be 30 times grander than any other to plague an airline. DOT also be makin' Southwest provide a $75 gold doubloon to any sorry passenger wit' a delay longer than 3 hours. Arr matey, that be a costly pirate's mistake!
December 17, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ye won't believe the scandal that be grippin' the United States Senate! A lewd tape of two gentlemen indulgin' in some explicit shenanigans in a Senate hearin' room has made its way onto the world wide web. The authorities be aware of this filthy video, showin' a supposed congressional lackey engagin' in carnal pleasures with another fellow on the dais of the Hart Senate Office Buildin'. The identities..."
December 17, 2023, 11:44 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog Aidan Maese-Czeropski, a legislative aide for Sen. Ben Cardin, hath been cast out o' the Senate fer his unseemly antics. This knave was spied in an explicit video, whilst two men fornicated in a congressional hearing room. On social media, he confessed his "poor judgement." Ahoy, Cardin's crew be sayin' naught, but that this landlubber be walkin' the plank!
December 17, 2023, 11:42 am
Avast, ye scallywags! A Senate scurvy dog, caught filmin' his own shenanigans o' lovemakin' in a congressional hearin' room, be cryin' foul after bein' tossed overboard from his job. The shameless footage, shown to the world by the Daily Caller on Friday, be displayin' two buccaneers indulgin' in their pleasures within the confines o' Hart 216, the esteemed judiciary chamber. Aidan Maese-Czeropski, a lowly servant o' Senator Ben Cardin o' Maryland, were quickly identified on the interwebs as one o' the rascals in the scandalous display. Cardin's crew informed Politico that "Aidan Maese-Czeropski be..." Arr, the tale be yet to unfold!
December 17, 2023, 8:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye landlubbers! A recent missive from NBC News be tellin' us that the vast majority of Americans who reckon that crime be worsenin' in the good ol' U.S. be "erroneous." Quotin' FBI reckonin's showin' a decline in crime rates across the land, a matey by the name of Kevin Dilanian explained that the scallywags who make up 77 percent of the populace and claim it's worsenin' be gettin' their minds addled by the likes of social media and scuttlebutt from the news. In his fine piece on NBCNews.com, titled "Most people think the U.S. crime rate is rising. They're..."
December 16, 2023, 6:42 am
Arr! The scurvy dogs of New York Republicans have nominated Mazi Melesa Pilip to sail the electoral seas in the special election for the vacant Long Island seat left by George Santos. The GOP's pick for the race be holdin' a news conference on Friday in Massapequa, Nassau County. This choice be made after a thorough vetting by local leaders, eager to make amends fer supportin' that scallywag Santos, who be indicted on criminal fraud charges. The New York Democrats, on the other hand, be choosin' a former...
December 16, 2023, 6:40 am
Arrr, mateys! The New York Republicans be selectin' Mazi Melesa Pilip, a valiant Ethiopian-born Israeli veteran o' the military, currently servin' in the Nassau County Legislature, to be fightin' for George Santos' ol' House seat in a special election. Santos be walkin' the plank earlier this month, ye see. Now, me hearties, Pilip be born in the lands o' Ethiopia, but took to the high seas to Israel at the tender age o' 12 durin' Operation Solomon, a grand mission led by the Israelis that whisked away most o' the Jewish folk from Ethiopia durin' a time o' military tyranny, as told by the scallywags at the Forward...
December 16, 2023, 6:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Long Island and Queens scallywags be pickin' Nassau County legislator Mazi Pilip, a former paratrooper from Israel and a fine lad from Ethiopia, to fill the shoes o' the scurvy dog George Santos in the House of Representatives. A grand announcement be happenin' in Massapequa on Friday. This be the special election fer the empty seat in the Third Congressional District, which be stretchin' across much o' Nassau.
December 16, 2023, 4:42 am
Arrr, the latest tidings from Iowa 'n New Hampshire do confirm that the odds be direly slim fer Donald Trump to be denied the Republican nomination. Yet, 'tis no reason fer those candidates, claimin' to be opposed to Trump, to be makin' it easier fer him to triumph. Aye, we be castin' our eyes upon ye, Chris Christie. (We'd be castin' our eyes upon Asa Hutchinson as well, but he hasn't been spied upon fer months.) As things stand, Christie be makin' a move that no other scallywag would dare to attempt — aidin' Trump's conquest...
December 16, 2023, 4:39 am
Arr, me hearties! Russia's pillagin' o' Ukraine didn't go as ol' Vladimir Putin planned, but it be a blessin' in disguise fer his mate, the authoritarian ruler o' Azerbaijan. President Ilham Aliyev be feelin' mighty secure in his rule now, mateys! But alas, this victory only be provin' what we already know - when dictators feel all powerful, they be turnin' to oppressin' their own people rather than makin' progress in politics or economy. Aliyev be reapin' the spoils from Russia's...
December 16, 2023, 4:31 am
Arr, the wild antics of this political rollercoaster in Brussels be truly mind-boggling, even for the saltiest swashbucklers of European summits. All eyes be fixed on a man named Viktor Orban, a Hungarian Prime Minister known to be the closest matey to the Kremlin in all of Europe. He be the only scallywag in the EU who dared to face-off with Vladimir Putin himself this year. As his voice be growin' louder, threatenin' to block two crucial decisions...
December 16, 2023, 4:20 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! This here ex-FBI officer, a bloke who once led the New York spies, has been sent to the brig for 4 long years for consorting with Russia! And that's not all, mateys! He might face an even lengthier sentence for hiding a grand sum of $225,000 from an Albanian intel officer. The scallywag goes by the name Charles McGonigal, aged 55, and he was captured in January with not one, but two warrants - one in New York and one in...
December 15, 2023, 5:21 pm
Avast, me hearties! The former first lady, Melania Trump, paid a visit to the National Archives’ grand naturalization ceremony to share her thoughts on the treacherous voyage to citizenship. Aye, she admitted it be no easy feat, but in the end, worth all the gold doubloons. Mrs. Trump graced 25 new landlubbers with her words in Washington on Friday. "Arr, when I reached the shores of American citizenship, I sailed into the harbor of certainty," she proclaimed. "In that very moment, I bid farewell to the burdensome thought of whether I'd be allowed to make me dwelling in the United..."
December 15, 2023, 5:19 pm
Elon Musk, a scurvy dog of the tech world, be not impressed with the notion o' diversity, equity, and inclusion. He be claimin' that these programs be ruinous and ought to be turned into shark bait. Musk, a wealthy matey, proclaimed on his social media vessel, X, that "DEI must DIE!" He argued, "The aim was to put an end to discrimination, not swap it fer another form of it!" These DEI policies have been catchin' the eye o' many, especially with a rise in antisemitism on pirate-friendly college shores, all thanks to the scoundrels o' Hamas' terrorist actions...
December 15, 2023, 5:17 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Southwest Airlines be makin' quite the splash with their jolly "Customer of Size" policy. Aye, ye hefty travelers be given the chance to score extra seats fer free if ye can't squeeze into one. And fear not, me lads and lasses! If ye be needin' more space, ye can buy as many seats as ye like and claim a refund after yer voyage. 'Tis not just about weight, but for all those who don't fit. Ahoy, Southwest!
December 15, 2023, 5:16 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Vivek Ramaswamy, a fine biotech entrepreneur, be spoutin' conspiracy theories left n' right! Aye, some experts reckon 'tis a desperate attempt to reckon his poll numbers. The scallywag even had the audacity to call the Capitol riot an "inside job" during a CNN town hall. 'Tis not the first time this landlubber has uttered such nonsense, havin' repeated a series of outlandish ideas in the presidential debates. Ramaswamy claims he be fightin' against government lies, but they be debunked and more confusin' than a compass in a storm...
December 15, 2023, 9:22 am
Arrr, me mateys! A scurvy former officer of the FBI, known as Charles McGonigal, has been sentenced to a wee four years in the brig! This scallywag played a key role in the Trump-Russia affair. But that ain't all! After leaving his post, he dared to aid that sneaky Russian oligarch, Oleg Deripaska! Ahoy, what a rascal!
December 15, 2023, 9:05 am
Avast ye scallywags! A scurvy dog, Charles McGonigal, was sent to the brig for a good four years after confessin' to bein' in league with the likes of Oleg Deripaska, a Russian rogue who's on the wrong side of the law from the U.S. and goes by the name of President Putin's "henchman." McGonigal, a former bigwig in the FBI, admitted to doin' dirty work for Deripaska, searchin' for the negative truth.
December 15, 2023, 8:24 am
Arrr! Ye scurvy IRS whistleblowers, Gary Shapley and Joseph Ziegler, be tellin' Congress a tale 'bout them supposed loans Joe Biden be sendin' his filthy family after he be done with his vice presidency. But, alas, these IRS agents couldn't confirm the truth of these loans, mateys! No proof to be found, according to a transcript of their blabberin'. So it be, me hearties, Joe Biden be walkin' the plank of doubt!
December 15, 2023, 8:23 am
Arr! The U.S House o' Representatives be votin' on Dec. 13 to officially authorize an impeachment investigation into President Joe Biden. Sailed on party lines, with all Republican scallywags and no Democratic mateys, the measure passed, 221-212. Now, mind ye, this vote did not tackle the question of whether Biden be worthy o' impeachment. Nay, 'twas only the House's way o' settin' sail on an investigation that might see Biden walkin' the plank next year. Here be a quick summary o' where a potential Biden impeachment be standin' after this...
December 14, 2023, 6:54 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The landlubbin' Israeli authorities be offerin' a hefty bounty of $1 million doubloons for any matey who can provide information leadin' to the capture of them scoundrels responsible for the Oct. 7 terrorist attack by the wretched Hamas. The announcement be delivered via leaflets, makin' it clear that the end be nigh for them scallywags. They be sayin', lend a hand in this manhunt, and ye might just be securin' a brighter future for yerself! Arrr!
December 14, 2023, 6:50 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Last moon, the Chinese Cap'n Xi Jinping spokeeth, sayin' a "two-state solution" be the key to endin' the quarrels betwixt Israel 'n the Palestinians. Methinks 'tis a grand notion, arrr!
December 14, 2023, 6:48 pm
Arrr! Rep. James Comer be a rich matey, a farmer with vast landholdings near his Kentucky home. He be boastin' 'bout his vast treasures, 'bout 1,600 acres he be ownin'. But, mateys, there be a twist! There be 6 small acres he be sharin' with a loyal campaign contributor. Instead o' ownin' it himself, he be transferrin' it to a sneaky shell company called Farm Team Properties. This be a tale of trickery!
December 14, 2023, 6:47 pm
Arr, me hearties! The United States Border Patrol be claimin' they seized near $3.5 million worth o' booty in a measly three days! 'Tis a fine haul indeed, includin' 603 lbs. o' the devil's lettuce, 269 lbs. o' meth, 194 lbs. o' the white powder, and even 52 lbs. o' fentanyl! Shiver me timbers!
December 13, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the House be votin' on Wednesday to embark on a formal impeachment inquiry against President Biden. A year o' investigatin' by the G.O.P. has turned up naught but empty treasure chests, no evidence o' any grand crimes or misdemeanors! The Republicans be claimin' they need this vote to keep their sails billowin' strong, for they be expectin' legal squabbles from the White House. But them Democrats be shoutin' from the crow's nest, callin' it a mere fishin' expedition and a political prank! Avast, ye maties!
December 13, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The House GOP be settin' sail on a grand adventure, formalizin' their impeachment inquiry into President Biden with a jolly House vote. They be hopin' this be addin' some legal weight to their demands as the probe moves into a more aggressive end stage, aye! With a show of hands, the lawmakers voted 221-212 to give the inquiry their stamp o' approval, stickin' to party lines like true buccaneers. But avast! Earlier in the day, Hunter Biden, the president's scurvy son at the center o' these inquiries, had the audacity to defy a GOP subpoena! He didn't show up for a deposition, arrr!
December 13, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arrr! 'Twas a fine day o' votin'! The House, me mateys, granted the power to investigate Cap'n Biden and his misdeeds. The scallywag Republicans be hopin' this be aidin' 'em in enforcin' their subpoenas. Aye, the authorization passed, 221-212. Back in September, ol' Speaker Kevin McCarthy be shoutin' from the crow's nest, proclaimin' an investigation into Biden's alleged high crimes and misdemeanors. The probe be focused...
December 13, 2023, 4:49 pm
"Avast ye scurvy TikTokers! They be havin' a quarrel with the land o' America regardin' their employment status, yarr! Them young Gen Z and millennial influencers be facin' a mighty backlash on social media, with some commenters offerin' their support. Why, they be complainin' 'bout not bein' able to find a job in the treacherous 2023 economy! "So I be sailin' to me servin' job, curse it!" cried fitness influencer Alison Johnson on TikTok last October. "I be loathin' it like a barnacle on a ship's hull. I be makin' more doubloons servin' than with me fancy business marketin' degree, which be puttin' me in a heap o' debt, aye." "And I be makin' more..."
December 13, 2023, 10:50 am
Arr mateys, Hunter Biden be spoutin' his words like a landlubber on Capitol Hill. The scallywag claims he be willin' to gab in a public hearin', but won't commit to a secret deposition. Aye, he showed up at a press conference instead of facin' House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer's subpoena. "I be ready to speak at a public hearin' today, answerin' any o' the committee's rightful queries..."
December 13, 2023, 10:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Hunter Biden, that landlubber, had the audacity to beg for sympathy outside the Capitol, aye! He dared to skip a transcribed interview with the House Oversight Committee, fearing the consequences of contempt. "Arr, for six long years, I've been the prey of that relentless Trump attack machine, hollering, 'Where be Hunter?' Well, me answer be, 'I be standin' before ye!' " shouted the young Biden, a mere fifty-three years of age. "Now, listen ye closely, me mateys, for I'll be blunt as a cutlass: me father had no part in the financial matters..."
December 13, 2023, 10:46 am
Arr! President Joe Biden's scurvy son, Hunter Biden, be a rebellious scallywag! He be defyin' the orders of House Republicans, refusin' to spill the beans about his business affairs in secret quarters. This be stirrin' quite the commotion among the lawmakers, who be settin' sail to vote on Wednesday to formalize their impeachment inquiry against his father. At a grand news conference near the grandiose Capitol, Biden Jr. be hurlin' insults at the inquiry, claimin' it be naught but a baseless pursuit. He even had the audacity to declare that he won't be cooperatin' with the House Oversight Committee's summons to speak in hushed tones. The Republican Representative Darrell Issa be heard sayin'...
December 13, 2023, 10:13 am
Avast, me mateys! This week's meetin' o' the Federal Reserve be a momentous occasion fer them fancy policymakers. They've been fightin' like scurvy dogs against the fearsome beast called inflation fer two long years. But fear not, me hearties! 'Tis not the question of raisin' rates that be at hand. Nay, what be more important be the shift in policy, me buckos. 'Tis a turn away from mighty rate hikes and towards makin' plans fer what lies ahead. Arr, this be the third time in a row...
December 12, 2023, 5:37 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! In the fair city of Dubai, Sultan Ahmed Al Jaber be chantin' the words, "Keep 1.5 alive!" as he presides over the climate talks. He be wantin' to ensure we don't scorch the Earth more than 1.5 degrees, so we best be cuttin' back on our fossil fuel burnin' ways, lest we walk the plank!
December 12, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arr, mateys! The Israel Defense Forces be makin' a bold move against them scallywag Hamas in Gaza. They be floodin' their secret tunnels with the mighty sea, causin' quite a kerfuffle. These tunnels, stretchin' over 300 miles, be the heart and soul of their shenanigans!
December 12, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arr! The highest court in New York be orderin' the makin' of a fresh congressional map, aye, a move that be bringin' dark clouds for them Republicans who be makin' booty gains in the blue state during the last redistrictin' cycle. By a vote of 4-3, the New York Court of Appeals be sayin' the Independent Redistrictin' Commission be allowed to redraw the lines afore the 2024 election. Whatever map comes from this process, it must then be approved by the state legislature, savvy...
December 12, 2023, 5:32 pm
Avast! An imminent tussle be brewin' betwixt President Joe Biden and his matey Donald Trump, as revealed by a new poll from Reuters/Ipsos. This rematch be a nail-biter, with both contenders burdened by grave weaknesses that may greatly hinder their quest for the White House. Me mate Biden, a seasoned Democrat of 81 years, be plagued by doubloons cast upon his economic prowess, as well as fears 'bout the security o' the U.S.-Mexico border and the dread o' crime. On the other hand, we have the Republican ex-President Trump, a spry 77-year-old...
December 12, 2023, 11:43 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The quarrel betwixt Republicans and Democrats be a result o' their steadfast beliefs on how hospitable the U.S. ought to be to them immigrant lads seekin' sanctuary. Republicans claim that President Joe Biden's policies act as a temptin' "magnet" fer these migrants, allowin' 'em to easily cross the U.S.-Mexico border and gain entry. "There be naught more pressin' than our unguarded southern border," shouted Sen. Tom Cotton, R-Ark., at a recent GOP gathering...
December 12, 2023, 11:40 am
Avast ye scallywags! Me hear tell that the shipmate known as Axios be advertisin' on the 'gram, urg'n its followers to merry up the season and bring joy with Bud Light, that infamous brew linked to that transgender influencer, Dylan Mulvaney. Arrr, what a twist in the tale!
December 12, 2023, 11:40 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Twas a sight to behold when Rudy Giuliani, the lawyer of that ol' scurvy dog Donald Trump, was given a stern tongue-lashin' by Judge Beryl Howell. The scallywag couldn't keep his trap shut and continued to spread lies 'bout Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, bringin' shame upon 'em.
December 12, 2023, 11:32 am
"Arrr, me hearties! Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen be claimin' that the good ol' U.S. economy be settin' sail on a course to quell that pesky inflation without causin' a mighty economic storm! She be callin' it a soft landin', where the economy keeps growin', the job market stays sturdy, and inflation be takin' a bit of a rest. And I reckon that be the path we be trottin' on, me mateys!"
December 12, 2023, 4:51 am
Arrr! A scurvy Russian bloke be flyin' from Copenhagen to Los Angeles, I tell ye! No passport, visa, ticket, nor any record that he be aboard the ship, according to the court papers, mateys! This Sergey Vladimirovich Ochigava, a Russian-Israeli scallywag, sailed on Scandinavian Airlines, and land'd at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) on Nov. 4 at 1 p.m., without a proper ticket or identification, aye!
December 12, 2023, 4:47 am
Arr, a lass from Texas be seekin' a legal medical exemption for an abortion, ye see. But alas! The Texas Supreme Court be puttin' a pause on the lower court's decision, denyin' her the procedure. Shiver me timbers! This be a tale of woe for Kate Cox, a 31-year-old mother of two from Dallas. The State District Judge, Maya Guerra Gamble, had granted her the right to end her pregnancy, as her doctors claimed her wee babe be sufferin' from..."
December 12, 2023, 4:46 am
Avast, me hearties! JPMorgan Chase be plannin' to hand over the runnin' of its treasure keepin' business in Hong Kong and Taiwan to Citigroup, HSBC, and Standard Chartered. The bank be searchin' for a new matey to handle the local treasure keepin' duties. Arrr, the world of finance be a wild sea indeed!
December 11, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Republican Missouri Attorney General Andrew Bailey be settin' sail on a quest to investigate those landlubbers at Media Matters for America! They be accusin' Elon Musk's X of harboring antisemitism! But hold on to yer peg legs, me hearties! X be firin' back with a lawsuit, claimin' the study be nothin' but manipulated lies! Bailey sent a letter to Media Matters on Monday...
December 11, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr matey, President Joe Biden be recruitin' none other than election denier Hillary Clinton in his quest fer reelection! They be plannin' to build grand infrastructure, gather booty, and rally voters. It be clear that Biden, in his dire straits, seeks to turn tides 'gainst his pitiful approval ratings. Ahoy! Clinton, a two-time failure in the race fer presidency, be known to deny results on many an occasion. In 2016, she claimed the Supreme Court be thievin' a presidency in Bush v. Gore!
December 11, 2023, 5:45 pm
Arr, word be spreadin' that China's sea dogs be plunderin' critical U.S. systems, testin' their might to unleash havoc on American shores! These scurvy dogs, sailin' under the flag o' the People's Liberation Army, aim to test their mettle against the United States, mayhaps over Taiwan. Avast!
December 11, 2023, 5:44 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! A grand ol' Gallup poll reveals that more swashbucklin' Americans be hopin' to find a pot o' gold at the end o' the Social Security rainbow when they be retirin'. Aye, 50 percent be believin' in the booty, while only 47 percent be doubtin' the treasure chest. This be a fine change from the past, me mateys, when the majority thought they'd be walkin' the plank with no benefits. Yo ho ho, what a poll it be!
December 11, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, me hearties! Ye won't believe yer eyes, but Republican contender Vivek Ramaswamy be caught on a hot mic takin' a wee break in the loo durin' a wild X Spaces livestream. By Blackbeard's beard! 'Twas a sight to see! Elon Musk, that scurvy dog, be chattin' away with the likes o' Alex Jones, a far-right conspiracy theorist who be claimin' Sandy Hook be a grand hoax. Aye, earlier that day, Musk be makin' a decision that be drawin' lots o' criticism...
December 11, 2023, 11:47 am
Arr! Them wildlife officials be plannin' to set loose them gray wolves in the land of Colorado, all 'cause them city folk be demandin' it! But alas, them country folk be frettin', for they be havin' no say in this here Democratic-led state.
December 11, 2023, 10:21 am
Yarr! The Air Force be punishin' 15 mateys from the Air National Guard for bein' lackin' in supervision and havin' a lazy attitude, which allowed a scallywag young airman to share loads o' classified documents online. The whole leak be rockin' the national security establishment! The Air Force, in a report to Congress, be blamin' Teixeira's higher-ups for not doin' their jobs properly... Avast!
December 11, 2023, 10:18 am
Arrr, me maties! Methinks ye be hearin' some mighty interestin' news! It seems that the number o' registered Democrats who be possessin' a trusty firearm in their humble abodes has seen a mighty jump in recent years, according to a poll from NBC News. Aye, some landlubbers be claimin' that the risin' crime in urban areas be the reason behind this increase. In November 2023, the survey discovered that 41 percent o' Democrats be claimin' to have a gun in their home, up from a measly 33 percent in a similar survey conducted by NBC News and the Wall Street Journal back in August 2019. Aye, it be worth notin' that 33 percent of...
December 11, 2023, 4:26 am
Arr, Argentina's freshly minted captain, Javier Milei, a self-proclaimed anarcho-capitalist whose rousing words be likened to the infamous Donald Trump, be takin' the helm on a Sunday mornin'. In his grand speech, Milei be talkin' 'bout the dire economic tempest brewin' and be warnin' the land lubbers 'bout the need fer a mighty slash in public spendin'. "We be havin' nay other options, nor e'en a minute to spare. Nay room be left fer pointless babble. Our fair land..."
December 11, 2023, 4:24 am
Ukrainian Cap'n Volodymyr Zelenskiy and Hungarian Cap'n Viktor Orban had a wee chat durin' the inauguration o' Argentine Cap'n Javier Milei, as caught on video by the Argentine Senate's YouTube channel. Orban's press mate, Bertalan Havasi, confirmed the meetin' in a missive, but kept mum about whether the Hungarian Cap'n be still opposed to Ukraine joinin' the European Union.
December 11, 2023, 4:21 am
Arr, avast ye! The lass may still face rough waters in the Republican primary. But if the fine lady Nikki Haley were to snatch the nomination, a jolly new poll be sayin' the general election would be smooth sailin' for her. According to a fresh poll from the Wall Street Journal, published on a fine Saturday, this brave lass Haley - in a make-believe duel with President Joe Biden - be havin' a mighty 17-point advantage, 51-34. If this grand duel comes to pass...
December 11, 2023, 4:10 am
Elon Musk, in all his magnanimity, hath restored the infamous scallywag Alex Jones on X, basing his decision on a poll on the social media platform once called Twitter. This poll, with a resounding 70.1% in favor of bringing back the wily Infowars host, hath spoken the truth. "Vox Populi, Vox Dei," Musk cried, invoking the ancient Latin saying, for the voice of the people be the voice of God. And thus, with over 1.9 million souls casting their vote, Musk proclaimed, "The people have spoken, and so it shall be!"
December 10, 2023, 10:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! The University of Pennsylvania's very own Cap'n Liz Magill, after a blunderous blabberin' 'fore Congress about their lackluster protection of our Jewish mates, has decided to walk the plank, or rather, resign from her position. Even Cap'n Scott L. Bok, chairman of the board, be joinin' her in this Ivy League shakeup, announced on a fine Saturday.
December 10, 2023, 10:26 am
Arr me hearties! Elizabeth Magill be walkin' the plank as president of the University of Pennsylvania, after her blabberin' about campus antisemitism brought the wrath o' the masses upon her. She tendered her resignation on a fine Saturday, just afore the board o' the university could gather to have a gab about her fate. Fear not, mateys, for she be stayin' on as a faculty member at Penn Carey Law, the university's law school, savvy?
December 10, 2023, 10:25 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Cap'n Liz Magill o' the University o' Pennsylvania has walked the plank, aye, after a fierce storm o' criticism fer her words on antisemitism. 'Twas a rough semester, with protests aplenty, angry donors, and whispers o' mismanagement since the cursed literary fest. And lo, Captain Bok, the chair o' the board, be abandonin' ship as well. Shiver me timbers!
December 10, 2023, 5:43 am
Avast ye scallywags! A fine bloke from New York City be facin' years in the brig fer sendin' a scurvy pirate to Davy Jones' locker. But mind ye, at his courtside brawl last month, the scurvy dogs o' the law didn't argue that LaShawn Craig defended his own hide when he sent Timothy Jones to Davy Jones' locker. Nay, they be chargin' Craig with crimes o' possessin' a weapon without a proper license, har! On the 17th day of November, Craig, who be havin' no...
December 10, 2023, 5:40 am
Avast ye scallywags! This very week, the social media site X hath once again caused a mighty uproar with a TikTok video, featurin' what they call "Dinks" - a fancy term for couples with no spawn and a double income. While this video may seem brash and deserving of ire, the landlubbers on X overlooked a crucial detail – the couple in question was jestin'! 'Twas but one of many memes on TikTok, a jolly format akin to the famous "Shit People Say" videos of yore, which..."
December 10, 2023, 5:38 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Israel be ready to make a grand spectacle if them Houthi rascals dare to tamper with the Red Sea's waters! If the rest of the world be too lily-livered to step up, we'll handle it ourselves, by Davy Jones' locker! Netanyahu even had words with that Biden fella and the fancy European leaders about those merchant ships with supposed Israeli ties. The world better be listenin' to Israel's warning, or they'll feel the wrath of our cannons!
December 10, 2023, 5:29 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Word has reached me ship that a poor soul, Sahar Baruch, held captive in Gaza, hath met his untimely end! 'Twas said by them scallywags of Hamas that he perished in a bungled rescue attempt. Aye, 'tis a sad day for Kibbutz Be'eri and the kin of them what be missin' at sea.
December 9, 2023, 12:34 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The good ol' United States scuttled a resolution at the United Nations Security Council, demandin' a ceasefire in the Israel-Hamas war! The Arab states be backin' it, with 13 yeas, but the U.S. be standin' alone, sayin' nay! The United Kingdom be playin' it safe and abstained. After the vote, the U.S. deputy representative, Robert Wood, be complainin' that the resolution be hurried and not takin' into account their efforts to bring aid to Gaza and rescue the hostages!
December 9, 2023, 12:32 pm
Arr, on Friday, the United States didst wield its mighty veto power in the United Nations Security Council, scupperin' the passage of a resolution demandin' an immediate cease-fire betwixt Israel and Hamas in the Gaza Strip. The Yanks claimed the text was naught but a figment of imagination.
December 9, 2023, 12:31 pm
Arrr, the U.S. be wieldin' its veto like a pirate's cutlass, blockin' the U.N. from demandin' a cease-fire betwixt Israel and Hamas. The vote be 13-1, with Britain keepin' its distance. The world be pressin' down on both Israel and the United States as the civilian casualties rise. Israel did agree to a wee temporary cease-fire, but only to swap hostages, me hearties.
December 9, 2023, 9:09 am
Arr me hearties, no surprise be it that the fair maid Taylor Swift be crowned Time Magazine's "Person of the Year." Aye, her Eras Tour hath pillaged the media's attention! 'Tis a madness! Harvard be offerin' a course on her! Avast, we must ponder, why? Aye, her concerts be a hit, her fans be loyal, and her music be...
December 9, 2023, 9:06 am
Avast me hearties! By the powers, I be no Swiftie, for when I dared to sample the tunes of fair Taylor Swift, I swiftly shut it off! Not for the lack of enjoyment, but for fear it'd haunt me brain. But now, mateys, I be reckonin' that this lass should set sail for the presidency! Aye, she might be our sole salvation! Do I speak in jest, ye ask? Nay, I speak true. Hear me out, me hearties...
December 9, 2023, 8:59 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis bein' said that Taylor Swift be claimin' the title of "Person of the Year" by Time in the year 2023. And aye, 'tis seemin' that I, a young lass of the millennial generation, be the only one who feels invisible among the seas. Now, now, do not be thinkin' I be makin' wild claims. But ever since this announcement, it be feelin' as if a cursed spider hath crawled upon a part of me Spotify Wrapped and granted it supernatural abilities. I be wishin' her well, I reckon. No ill will towards a seemingly pleasant soul who be enjoyin' a splendid time. There be no denyin' she be havin' a grand year, as proclaimed by Time's honorable mention...
December 9, 2023, 7:21 am
Arrr, still be boastin' 'bout me fancy Ivy League paper when a dark cloud befell me joy. On Tuesday, the cap'n of Harvard, M.I.T., and the University of Pennsylvania displayed a sad sight at Capitol Hill, aye, when asked if ye olde callin' fer killin' Jews be considered harassment. "Depends," they all whined. Penn's Elizabeth Magill spouted frightful legal jargon, claimin' 'twas a matter o' context, she did, arrr.
December 8, 2023, 9:44 pm
Arr, me hearties! Harvard's own Cap'n Claudine Gay be walkin' the plank with an apology for her not-so-smart remarks 'bout anti-Semitism! She be sayin', "I be sorry, mateys. I failed to properly express me own truth." When questioned by Rep. Elise Stefanik, she be waverin' like a sail in the wind on whether violence against Jews be against Harvard's rules. She be sayin' it be dependin' on the context. Arr, what a mess she be makin'!
December 8, 2023, 9:35 pm
Arrr! Reps. Rashida Tlaib and Ayanna Pressley be facin' a mighty storm o' backlash on their digital voyages for tryin' to mark the start o' Hanukkah. These Democratic hearties took to the virtual seas, known as X, to send well wishes to their Jewish mates. "Avast ye! Happy first night o' Hanukkah to our Jewish brethren in the MA7 & across the globe," Pressley scribbled. "This here celebration holds special significance fer many a soul..."
December 8, 2023, 9:30 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Elon Musk be layin' siege upon Disney and its scurvy dog CEO Bob Iger! He be demandin' to know why they don't suspend their ads on Meta, after scandalous tales o' child-sea roamin' on their sites! This be causin' Musk's fury, after Disney abandoned the good ship X, formerly known as Twitter. Musk, havin' bought the vessel for a mighty sum, be keen on rebrandin' it and slashin' its crew. Newsweek be seekin' the words o' Musk and Disney, arrr!
December 8, 2023, 9:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a fine day fer the landlubbers of Europe! They've struck a deal on grand EU rules to govern the use o' artificial intelligence. They be talkin' 'bout how the governments can be watchin' ye through biometric surveillance, and how to be keepin' those chatty AI systems in line. The EU be settin' sail to be the first major power to make such laws. After 15 long hours o' negotiatin' and a 24-hour debate, the deal be done! Yo ho ho!
December 8, 2023, 3:53 pm
Arrr! The U.S. housing market be fallin' like a clumsy pirate from the mast! Home sales be droppin' faster than a sailor's spirits on a rainy day. The scallywag prices be too high, the costs of borrowin' be too steep, and the supply of homes be as scarce as a mermaid on land. Here be five charts that reveal the sorry state of this cursed housing market. The rate of home sales in October be down near 15% compared to the same time in 2022, as reported by the National Association of Realtors. October's sales rate, aye, a true measure of the market's wretchedness..."
December 8, 2023, 3:51 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Methinks if the rates be lower, them American dwellings would be more affordable, but still not quite within our grasp. Arrr, the pandemic stirred up a frenzy for housing! The desire for more space and the gold from the government be makin' us all rich, but those cursed mortgage rates be sendin' home prices to the heavens. Now the buying madness be over, and with rates higher than they've been in two decades, nary a home be gettin' sold. But oh, these lofty prices be a challenge indeed...
December 8, 2023, 3:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Thar be no cheer in the land o' U.S. consumers when it comes to the housing market. A measly 14 percent reckon now be a good time to buy a home, a record low in a survey commissioned by Fannie Mae. But that be just one piece of the puzzle, me mateys! We be dealin' with risin' inflation, swingin' interest rates, global shenanigans, and supply chain chaos. How be the housing market fairin'...
December 8, 2023, 3:30 pm
Arrr, mateys! This here Tucker Carlson, a scallywag from the Daily Caller, did utter a curious remark on the eve of Thursday. Methinks he be not entirely dismissin' the notion of joinin' forces with the former President Donald Trump as his trusty mate in the year 2024! Ahoy, what a swashbucklin' adventure that would be!
December 8, 2023, 11:43 am
Arr, avast ye scurvy dogs! Dollar General be joinin' the ranks o' them retail chains changin' their tune on self-checkout contraptions. Cap'n Todd Vasos be sayin' we be relyin' too much on 'em, mateys. They be more like a backup plan, not our first mate. Dollar General be addin' these blasted machines to over 'alf o' our 19,000 stores. The company be...
December 8, 2023, 11:41 am
Yarrrr, ye scurvy dogs at Google be proposin' to use their fancy artificial intelligence to spy on us landlubbers! They be wantin' to get a glimpse o' our lives through our mobile phones, lookin' at our photos and searches. They be callin' it "Project Ellmann," after some fancy biographer. They be plannin' to use their LLMs like Gemini to find patterns in our photos, make a talkin' robot, and answer questions even the smartest parrot couldn't! This Ellmann fella be aimin' to know us better than our own shipmates, arrr!
December 8, 2023, 11:26 am
Arr, me hearties! Avast ye! The Food and Drug Administration hath given its blessing to a remarkable potion called Casgevy, brewed by Vertex Pharmaceuticals and CRISPR Therapeutics. This wondrous concoction, harnessing the power of the CRISPR gene-editing sorcery, be a potential cure for the cursed sickle cell disease. 'Tis a scientific triumph, me mateys, mendin' DNA with precision and swiftness!
December 8, 2023, 9:15 am
Avast ye scallywags! The savage October 7th butchery by the Palestinian terror band Hamas, what be leavin' 1200 landlubber Israeli casualties in its wake, be settin' ablaze a war in Gaza. The quarrel 'bout this Israeli-Palestinian Arab "crisis" be echoin' through the halls of government, the mass media, and social media. But, ye see, them anti-Israeli doofi (that be the plural of doofus), keep spoutin' the same foolish and completely false blather 'bout the simple facts o' this conflict... Arrr!
December 7, 2023, 10:59 pm
Arr, me hearties! Israel's scurvy dogs be claimin' they be makin' grand progress in their quest to sink the scallywags o' Hamas in Gaza! The Army be stormin' the land, battlin' against ceasefires and aimin' to save over 130 poor souls held captive by those vile rascals! The Head Buccaneer o' the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF), Cap'n Daniel Hagari, declared that his mighty crew be smashin' through the enemy's strongholds in Jabaliya, Shijaiya, and Khan Younis. "Avast! We've broken through thar defenses..."
December 7, 2023, 10:53 pm
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy Centers for Disease Control and Prevention be shoutin' from the crow's nest that schools ought to be settin' their sights on equity, ye scallywags! They be suggestin' that we establish race-based affinity groups, arr, ye heard right! It be in their fancy guidance called "Promoting Mental Health and Well-Being in Schools: An Action Guide for School and District Leaders." Aye, released this very month to give us landlubber administrators and teachers some evidence-based strategies and practices to follow!
December 7, 2023, 10:47 pm
Arr, me hearties! Hunter Biden be gettin' himself in a spot o' trouble, as the U.S. Department of Justice be indictin' him with nine tax-related charges. Judge Mark Scarsi, handpicked by Cap'n Donald Trump, be overseein' the case. In a mighty 56-page document, President Joe Biden's scallywag son be accused of dodgin' taxes, filin' a fraudulent form, and escapin' proper assessment. Three o' these charges be felonies, me mateys! The scurvy dog be involved in a sneaky four-year scheme to avoid payin' at least a measly $1...
December 7, 2023, 10:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Taiwan's defence ministry be blabberin' about a Chinese weather balloon that dared to cross the Taiwan Strait on the eve of the presidential election! They reckon it be nothin' but a lil' sounding balloon, but we all know China be tryin' to meddle in their politics, arrr!
December 7, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arr, Semafor gathered a fine group of tech scallywags and shipshape policymakers to parley 'bout the future of artificial intelligence. From the shores of Washington, D.C. to the Silicon Valley, our brave reporters and editors posed grand questions 'bout the limits of AI. What be its impact on our toil, our life, healing, plunderin' and political battles? Feast yer eyes on these most notable moments from the affair.
December 7, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arr! Ye be hearin' that Sen. Eric Schmitt, a scurvy dog from Missouri, be holdin' back the promotions of five brave military officers! Just when ye thought the blockade be over, that scallywag Sen. Tommy Tuberville, from Alabama, be passin' the torch! It be said that Schmitt be havin' a bone to pick with these officers, claimin' their views on diversity, equity, and inclusion be as useless as a peg leg.
December 7, 2023, 5:28 pm
Avast, me hearties! Vivek Ramaswamy be takin' a mighty risk with a grand wager. His presidential bid, if ye can call it that, be relyin' on the notion that them scurvy dogs of the GOP be so suspicious of them establishments that they be believin' any wild conspiracy they come across. Durin' last night's brawl, Ramaswamy be embracin' as many of them popular conspiracies as he could. In the blink o' an eye, he be declarin' himself the one and only...
December 7, 2023, 5:21 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! 'Tis but the dawn of a new age o' AI at Google, proclaims Cap'n Sundar Pichai. 'Tis the era of Gemini, Google's grandest language model yet. Me cap'n teased it at the I/O conference, and now it be ready for all ye landlubbers. Cap'n Pichai and Cap'n Demis Hassabis of Google DeepMind describe it as a mighty stride forward in AI, affectin' all of Google's booty. "Aye, this moment be powerful," says Cap'n Pichai, "fer ye can work..."
December 7, 2023, 11:31 am
Yarrr! Avast, ye scurvy dogs of Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina! We be havin' endured eight long hours o' squabblin' among the Republican Party's presidential lubbers. By now, ye should be swimmin' in enough knowledge 'bout these candidates. They've been gallivantin' through yer lands fer a whole year! They've blabbered in interviews on the telly, the web, the radio, and in print. And just last night, we were tortured with two whole hours of four o' the final five scallywags who..."
December 7, 2023, 11:29 am
Avast me mateys! Blimey, ye should've seen the likes of Chris Christie at Wednesday's debate! A true swashbuckler, he did not hold back a single bit. While them other scallywags merely criticized Donald Trump, Christie, true to his nature, be the only one to boldly and fiercely challenge the front-runner. He accused his foes of being too cowardly to stand up to the former captain. "I be in this race because..."
December 7, 2023, 10:41 am
Avast, me hearties! Three souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker, with another poor soul injured in a fearsome shootout at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas on Wednesday. The scurvy dog responsible, a former swashbuckling professor in his sixties, met his own demise in a fierce battle with the law. The reason fer his treacherous act and the weapon he wielded be yet a mystery. This be but one o' hundreds o' such incidents this year, happenin' not far from the cursed spot of the deadliest mass...
December 7, 2023, 10:38 am
Arr, me hearties! The stepping down of cap'n Kevin McCarthy of the GOP, together with other resignations and the booting of George Santos, be bringin' to light the dreadful math troubles facin' the meager House GOP majority. In the months ahead, there be a chance that their majority be shrinkin' so much that they can only bear to lose a couple o' votes on any party-line matter, if the timing be right...
December 6, 2023, 10:52 pm
Yarrr, me hearties! Them scurvy dogs in Congress be still squabblin' like landlubbers over that foreign aid bill for Israel and Ukraine. The Senate Republicans be blockin' the vote, demandin' more support for Ukraine tied to the safety o' our own borders. Arrr! And the Democrats, they be sayin'...
December 6, 2023, 10:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The fine folks in the Biden crew be announcin' a windfall o' $4.8 billion to ease the burdensome weight o' student loans fer over 80,000 sailors. This news be addin' to the grand total o' debt cancellations by Cap'n Biden and his crew, now reachin' a mighty sum o' $132 billion! Aye, that be a treasure for over 3.6 million good ol' Americans. Cap'n Miguel Cardona, the U.S. Secretary of Education, be sayin', "Afore Cap'n Biden set sail, it be harder than findin' buried treasure to claim the relief that be rightfully theirs."
December 6, 2023, 10:37 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! A tale be told o' the American phenomenon known as a mass shooting. It be a story that be seen one day, gone the next, yet never truly far from our gaze. The media be a predictable lot, singin' the same sad song o' lament, debate, and repeat. Patrik Jonsson, a writer hailing from the shores o' Georgia, be fixated on the gun culture and violence that plagues this land. He ventured to Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, just after the deadly 2012 shootout unfolded, mark me words! But lo and behold, after the Lewiston, Maine shootings on October 25, Patrik set sail once more, followin' the dark trail...
December 6, 2023, 10:26 pm
Four scurvy dogs, Governor Ron DeSantis, Governor Nikki Haley, businessman Vivek Ramaswamy, and Governor Chris Christie, did gather on a fine eve in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. They sought to charm the hearties afore the Iowa caucuses, in hopes of ousting the mighty Captain Donald Trump from his grand position as the Republican leader.
December 5, 2023, 4:44 pm
Arr, me hearties! The crew of the U.S. House of Representatives be votin' on a jolly important matter, condemnin' the foul rise o' anti-Semitism. Aye, the measure passed with a flourish, 311 in favor and a mere 14 scallywags opposin'. But, blimey! Near 100 House Democrats decided to be as useful as a peg leg and voted "present." May they be findin' their moral compass soon, lest they be walkin' the plank!
December 5, 2023, 4:43 pm
Arr, me hearties! A mighty pharmacy chain be settin' sail on a grand adventure to change the way it pays its mateys for their potions. CVS Pharmacy be launchin' a fancy new scheme, named CVS CostVantage, to make sure the prices o' the medicines match what the pharmacies be payin' for 'em. It be a voyage toward clarity and transparency, me lads and lasses!
December 5, 2023, 4:41 pm
Arr! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis bein' said that the U.S. Supreme Court be settin' sail on Monday to hear the tale o' Harrington v. Purdue Pharma. They be ponderin' whether a bankrupter's court can free a wrongdoer from claims, even if said scallywag didn't be filin' fer bankruptcy! In the year o' our Lord 2019, Purdue Pharma found itself in a right mess o' lawsuits from mates such as business partners, states, hospitals, and landlubbers sufferin' from opioid addiction and their kinfolk. All 'cause o' their foul production and marketin' o' OxyContin, a substance controlled like a ship's rudder fer managin' pain.
December 5, 2023, 4:40 pm
Arr, me hearties! Republican former U.S. Representative Liz Cheney, a feisty lass who be no fan of that scurvy ex-President Donald Trump, be thinkin' about takin' a shot at the White House in 2024. She be talkin' about joinin' a third-party crew or even sailin' with both Republican and Democrat mates. She's raisin' the black flag on Trump, claimin' he be a danger to our precious democracy... Ahoy!
December 4, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' that scoundrels of Hamas be breakin' a truce meant for the good of all. And why, ye might ask? Well, to keep those poor lasses, who've suffered unspeakable horrors in their hands, from spillin' the beans! Aye, it seems they be afraid of the truth comin' out! Talk about dishonorable scallywags!
December 4, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs at the White House be beggin' Congress for more treasure to send to Ukraine, claimin' 'tis all in the name of fightin' Russia. A letter from budget chief Shalanda Young warns that without gold from the landlubbers in Congress, we'll be left high 'n dry. President Joe...
December 4, 2023, 5:42 pm
Avast! Thar be scallywags from the likes of Washington Post, New York Times, and the Atlantic sowing terror 'bout a second Trump reign, while ol' Captain Trump be trouncin' President Joe Biden in the polls. This Friday, Robert Kagan, a mighty Washington Post Editor-at-Large, penned a piece titled "A Trump dictatorship be growin' ever more certain. We must cease our pretenses!" And on Monday, a snippet labeled "The Dread o' a Impending Trump Dictatorship" by a columnist... Arrr!
December 4, 2023, 5:41 pm
Yarr, mateys! Methinks this inflation be a scurvy dog that be gnawin' at the wallets of us landlubbers. The Biden crew may be boastin' 'bout gettin' folks back to work, but the prices be as high as the crow's nest! A vast majority o' 92% be worried 'bout this plunderin' inflation, arrr!
December 3, 2023, 5:42 am
Arr, Avast ye! Israel be summonin' its negotiatin' crew from Qatar, mateys! Them talks with the scurvy scallywags of Hamas be reachin' a dreaded "dead end." Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be givin' orders to Mossad captain David Barnea, who then be orderin' the crew in Doha to sail back home. The bilge rats of Hamas failed to hold up their end o' the bargain, ye see, which be lettin' all the lasses and wee ones go free. Arr, what a bunch o' scurvy dogs!
December 3, 2023, 5:39 am
Avast ye mateys! A mighty federal appeals court, full of uber-conservatives, hath declared on Friday that Texas Governor Greg Abbott's fancy floating barrier to keep those Mexican scallywags from crossin' into the good ol' U.S. of A be no good! Arrr, immigration and border security be causin' quite a stir among us conservative folk. The great cities o' this land have been overrun by a swarm of migrants sent by Abbott from his own state to them Democratic-led havens. Shiver me timbers!
December 3, 2023, 5:37 am
In th' land o' Azerbaijan, a place ruled by a tyrannical regime, it be a mighty feat o' bravery and audacity fer th' independent scribblers o' Abzas Media to spin thar tales. Ye can spy on their webby page some truly scandalous articles - expose on th' foreign minister's bloated treasure, a wee village bein' moved 'cross seas due to th' president's son-in-law, and rogue companies avoidin' taxes yet winnin' grand contracts worth billions! But alas, this month brought th' scurvy journalists some dire consequences fer their boldness. The dreaded President Ilham Aliyev, who's been holdin' th' throne fer years, decided to teach 'em a lesson...
December 3, 2023, 5:26 am
Avast ye mateys! Never Back Down, the finest super Political Action Committee that be supportin' Florida Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis' grand campaign fer the presidency, has given the boot to its interim chief executive officer, Kristen Davison! A mere fortnight she lasted afore walkin' the plank! The news be followin' the resignation of former Nevada Attorney General Adam Laxalt, who be stepin' down as Never Back Down's board chairman. Ahoy!
December 2, 2023, 7:22 am
Avast, me hearties! Thar be a grand rumble in Gaza, stretchin' into a second day! Talks to extend a truce with them scallywags from Hamas went belly up, and them fancy mediators be complainin' 'bout them Israeli bombardments makin' it harder to stop the fightin'. The eastern parts of Khan Younis be takin' a right good beatin', with smoke billowin' high in the sky. Them Gaza health folks say them Israeli...
December 2, 2023, 4:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, methinks the scurvy dog Trump be in a spot o' trouble. A band o' judges hath ruled that the former Captain can be sued for his alleged role in the ruckus at the Capitol. His fancy words afore the attack be not covered by presidential immunity, for his campaign antics be not an official presidential act. Walk the plank, Trump!
December 2, 2023, 4:40 am
"Arr! Ye landlubber judge in Washington, D.C. be denyin' the claim of the former Captain Trump! She be sayin' that the Constitution doesn't grant him a 'lifelong get-out-of-jail-free card'! No treasure huntin' for him on Jan. 6!"
December 2, 2023, 4:39 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A federal judge, by the name of Tanya Chutkan, hath just given former President Trump a mighty blow! She be sayin' that just 'cause ye once held the title of Chief Executive, it don't mean ye be exempt from facin' the consequences of yer actions. No 'get-out-of-jail-free' pass for ye, matey!
December 2, 2023, 2:48 am
"Arrr, me hearties! California's Cap'n Gavin Newsom be proclaimin' that thar Salton Sea holds a treasure trove o' 3.4 million tons o' lithium, enough to satisfy the world's battery needs fer 25 long years! But alas, them scurvy critics be warnin' that our environmental rules may scuttle this grand endeavor!"
November 30, 2023, 10:45 pm
Arrr, me mateys! 'Tis a tale of California Governor Gavin Newsom, who be a slippery one. When asked 'bout abortion limits, he be dodgin' like a scurvy dog. Instead, he be pointin' fingers at DeSantis, claimin' he be signin' extreme anti-abortion bills. When asked once more, he finally admits that late term abortions be an "extreme exception." But who be decidin' such matters, he be leavin' unsaid...
November 30, 2023, 10:44 pm
Avast ye! Govs. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif.) and Ron DeSantis (R-Fla.) be havin' a right good brawl on Thursday, arguin' o'er matters like COVID-19, immigration, and abortion. The Fox News crew be hostin' this 90-minute "Great Red vs. Blue State Debate," with Sean Hannity as the brave moderator. 'Twas a battle o' words, with them two mighty leaders talkin' over each other. The whole shindig took place in Alpharetta, Ga., startin' at 9 p.m. EST. Gather 'round and me tale shall unfold.
November 30, 2023, 10:42 pm
Arr, mateys! Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida and Gov. Gavin Newsom of California had themselves a right ol' brawl on Fox News! They argued 'bout taxes, immigration, crime, guns, abortion, and that cursed Covid! It be like a wild tale from another realm durin' the 2024 presidential race! Mr. Newsom tried to show off for his Democratic mates, while Mr. DeSantis swung at him with a fiery spirit that..."
November 30, 2023, 9:01 pm
In the wee hours at Jerusalem, two scoundrels of Palestine did unleash their fury upon a bustling bus stop! Three noble souls of Israel met their untimely demise, while six others were left wounded in this ghastly act of terror at the city's entrance. 'Tis the first grand assault since the savage massacre by Hamas on the seventh of October. Verily, the constables doth claim that two gallant soldiers and a valiant civilian did strike down these miscreants, whom the Israeli authorities doth proclaim as members of the dreaded Hamas. One noble minister doth declare that our fair nation is now embroiled in a war on every front, and he doth vow to pursue these villains and obliterate their treacherous kind!
November 30, 2023, 5:22 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs at Facebook be claimin' they've deactivated a swarm o' deceitful accounts birthed in China. These scallywags aimed to meddle in the politics o' the United States and other lands, but Facebook be havin' none of it! They be sendin' these rogue accounts to Davy Jones' locker, they be!
November 30, 2023, 5:20 pm
Avast ye hearties! Disney's cap'n, Bob Iger, be fed up with his scallywag partners and crew puttin' too much focus on messages instead o' proper storytelling. He be sayin' at the DealBook Summit that we be needin' to entertain, not preach! Aye, he be settin' his sights on makin' better films in the year 2024 and beyond, and be cuttin' back on the number of flicks Disney be churnin' out.
November 30, 2023, 5:13 pm
Avast, me hearties! Texas attorney general Ken Paxton be makin' a grand announcement on Thursday, swearin' to sue Pfizer for breakin' the law like a scurvy dog. He claims they be fibbin' 'bout the power of their Covid-19 potion, violatin' the Texas Deceptive Trade Practices Act! This scallywag Pfizer be claimin' their vaccine be 95 percent effective. Arrr, we shall see!
November 30, 2023, 5:11 pm
As th' bigwigs o' th' world be cheerin' Qatar fer orchestratin' a truce betwixt Israel an' Hamas, thar negotiators be pushin' their mediation hard, fearin' th' ceasefire be doomed afore it even sets sail! Arrr!
November 30, 2023, 11:51 am
Arr, me hearties! The whole world be takin' a grand step in compensatin' those poor countries plagued by floods, scorchin' heat, and dreadful droughts. Aye, almost every nation joined hands on Thursday to forge a mighty fund, offerin' aid to those strugglin' souls bearin' the brunt of climate change. 'Twas a jolly good start to this year's U.N. climate conference, even if some countries be offerin' a wee bit o' coinage compared to what be truly needed. Now, gather round, me mateys, as Sultan al-Jaber, the captain of the COP28 ship..."
November 30, 2023, 11:50 am
In a jolly good beginning fer the fortnight weather meetin' named COP28, me hearties aboard agreed on the particulars o' a chest o' gold to make amends to them developin' lands fer the plunderin' caused by the heatin' o' the seas. This here loss an' damage chest, which was first set up at last year's COP27 meetin' in Sharm El-Sheikh, Egypt, be now properly set sailin', an' a few lands have already come to terms on payin' their fair share. A wee note was passed 'round in November, though there be a bit o' trouble brewin' in the details,..."
November 30, 2023, 11:49 am
Arr! The Biden crew be grantin' millions o' doubloons to a jolly international "climate reparations" fund at the United Nations climate summit in the United Arab Emirates! This here "loss and damage fund" be aimin' to make the rich lands pay up to the poor lands fer the troubles caused by climate change. The U.S. be swearin' an oath to hand over more than $17 million to the fund on Thursday, says Axios. Many an energy...
November 30, 2023, 10:01 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Rep. George Santos, bein' in quite a pickle, has declared that he won't be abandonin' his post in Congress, despite facin' a vote of expulsion in a mere day! When queried as to why he'd be so stubborn, Santos exclaimed, "If I were to depart, the rascals would triumph! 'Tis nothin' more than bullyin'!" Come the morrow, the House shall cast its vote on a resolution from the likes of Ethics Committee Chair Michael Guest (a fine mate from Mississippi). 'Twill be the third vote to cast Santos adrift this year, and by Jove, it seems likely to sail through..."
November 29, 2023, 10:39 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A swashbucklin' matey from the Pentagon, who be in charge o' them fancy schools in the Americas, has been caught in a Georgia human-traffickin' trap. The Coweta County Sheriff's Office be braggin' 'bout nabbin' 26 landlubbers, includin' Stephen Hovanic, the former bigwig o' the Americas division over at the Department of Defense Education Activity. This scurvy dog has been holdin' the job since 2010, so he be deep in this mess...
November 29, 2023, 10:29 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A mad lass from South Korea, fond of tales of true crime, be tellin' the constables she did savagely stab and hack an English tutor, all in the name of curiosity! Pretendin' to be a scholar, she now be facin' a lifetime in the brig! The court be merciful, for they did not send her to Davy Jones' Locker, yet denied her pleas for clemency!
November 29, 2023, 10:22 pm
Arr, in the cruel November of 2023, ye landlubber Facebook users be sharin' tales o' a treacherous new iPhone fancy called NameDrop, or "Bringing Devices Together," as them Apple scoundrels dubbed it. These posts be warnin' 'bout the dangers it be posin' to yer privacy and security, makin' all the scallywags worried. Even the poxy U.S. police departments be gettin' in on the action, spreadin' the word. 'Tis why our mailbox be overflowin' with reader missives, me hearties!
November 29, 2023, 10:10 pm
Arr, the scallywag Israel be blastin' the Gaza Strip and sendin' thousands o' wee ones to Davy Jones' locker, says the Hamas crew. But a tale be spreadin' on the web that a wee little lad trapped beneath rubble be a fake. It be sailin' on the waves far 'fore the Gaza war, me hearties! A wise soul claims it be conjured by AI, says the expert.
November 28, 2023, 10:02 pm
Arrr! Word be spreadin' that the wife o' the Ukrainian military intelligence chief, who be swearin' to slay Russians across this vast world, be poisoned, mateys! Marianna Budanova, the fair lass o' Kyrylo Budanov, be sufferin' from the poison o' heavy metals, as per the tales from Ukrainian media. 'Twas mere weeks after the Russian scallywags declared they be chargin' Budanov and three other landlubbers with terrorism...
November 28, 2023, 9:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Berkshire Hathaway be proclaimin' the sad news o' Charlie Munger's passin', aye, the billionaire and vice chairman o' the company, and a true matey o' Warren Buffett. The scallywag, who were 99 summers old, met Davy Jones' locker on a Tuesday mornin' at a hospital in California, with his family by his side, as told by Berkshire Hathaway in a press release. Aye, Munger would have turned a ripe ol' age o' 100 come New Year's...
November 28, 2023, 9:32 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Tis be told that the Rason Special Economic Zone, a wee experiment in capitalist ways by them North Koreans, be the very heart of their newfound friendship with the Russians. Word be goin' around that they be sendin' weapons to fight the war in Ukraine! With grand apartments and markets overflowin' with foreign treasures, this Rason SEZ, built in the 1990s near China and Russia, be a land of dreams afore them blasted sanctions and the cursed pandemic...
November 28, 2023, 9:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Both scallywags from Israel and Palestine be frolickin' like merry buccaneers with the news o' the temporary truce betwixt Israel and Hamas in the treacherous Gaza Strip! In them first four days, the ceasefire granted the freedom of 50 landlubber Israeli hostages, held captive by the fearsome Hamas, in exchange for the release of 150 Palestinian prisoners by the mighty Israel. This lull in battle, now extended for two more days, has brought forth tearful sights and moments o' great jubilation throughout the land o' Israel, me mateys..."
November 28, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arr, me hearties! On this fine Tuesday, the Pentagon declared that the mighty United States military hath bestowed upon Egypt over 54,000 pounds of United Nations loot, to be sent to Gaza. Avast ye! This treasure be mighty important, providing medical supplies, warm garb, and food to those landlubbers in need. Tis a grand gesture indeed, carried by our trusty U.S. Air fleet, at the behest of USAID.
November 28, 2023, 5:52 pm
Afore this month's end, the House Ethics Committee unfurled its report on the beleaguered Rep. George Santos (R-NY), who be plagued by a plethora of federal charges to which he pleaded innocence. On that very day, the 16th of November, a merry band from both parties piped up, declaring their intent to cast out Santos. Aye, such resolutions had been made afore, but never have the required two-thirds been gathered to heave-ho the congressman. The Ethic Committee report be the key... Arrr!
November 28, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr! The scurvy dogs o' the Israel Defense Forces be claimin' that them terrorists be breakin' the ceasefire in Gaza! Blast 'em! Three explosive devices were set off near our lads in two places up north. Not only that, but them rascals even had the audacity to fire upon our brave soldiers! Naturally, our boys fired back. Aye, there be some wounded, but we'll fight on!
November 28, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arr, me hearties! Them kin of the 2012 Sandy Hook school shootin' victims be offerin' to clear the debt o' $1.5bn (£1.32bn) owed by that scurvy dog, Alex Jones, the foul conspiracy theorist! They be willin' to accept the sellin' o' Mr Jones's ill-gotten treasures, or a measly sum o' $85m (£67m) over a span o' 10 years. Mr Jones, bein' the sorry lout he be, did confess to spreadin' falsehoods 'bout them deaths, bringin' untold miseries upon the families of the poor souls who perished. Them Sandy Hook families, bless their souls, took Mr Jones to court for his lies and emerged victoriously, claimin' the $1.5bn in compensation just last year. As for Mr Jones and his sorry lot..."
November 28, 2023, 10:53 am
Avast ye, mateys! Behold the spectacle: two mighty governors o' America be clashin' on the debate stage. One be slick with hair gel, whilst t'other be sportin' lifted boots to gain height. Gavin Newsom, the Democrat ruler o' California, be lockin' horns with Ron DeSantis, his Republican counterpart in Florida. For 90 minutes, they be tryin' to convince ye that their state be the true treasure of America. Their youth and political antics be on full display, aye, but who be the true scallywag?
November 28, 2023, 10:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! On Nov. 30, there be a mighty clash o' words happenin' in the land of the United States. A grand debate betwixt California Gov. Gavin Newsom (a scurvy dog of the D clan) and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (a brave pirate seekin' the GOP crown). But ye may ask, why this spectacle? 'Tis a bafflin' mystery, me mateys! 'Tis not a part of the grand 2024 GOP presidential debates (save yer cannons for Dec. 6), nor be it a substitute fer a presidential showdown. DeSantis be still in the race fer the GOP prize, but..."
November 28, 2023, 10:51 am
Avast ye! One scurvy dog be makin' cuttin' carbon emissions his state's utmost concern, whilst t'other be focusin' on producin' energy. One be turnin' his state into a jolly sanctuary fer migrants, while t'other be signin' the strictest anti-illegal immigration laws ye ever laid eyes on. One be sailin' a ship o' higher education that's abandonin' standardized tests and embracin' mandatory diversity, equity, and inclusion oaths. And t'other be...
November 28, 2023, 8:34 am
Arrr, mateys! Tis been heard that Sports Illustrated, the fine magazine, hath been accused of publishin' articles crafted by the magical powers of artificial intelligence. These sly authors be pretendin' to be humans! A certain Drew Ortiz, mentioned only on the magazine's bio page, be nothin' more than a ghost, with no trace of him on the cursed social media or in the annals of publishin'. And his cursed picture be nigh identical to a fancy headshot produced by sorcery!
November 28, 2023, 4:59 am
Arrr, mateys! The mighty United States be claimin' that a scurvy group o' attackers, who be tryin' to swipe a ship linked to Israel, be nothin' but Somali pirates. Aye, me hearties! But the Pentagon ain't dismissin' the notion that these blighters might be Houthi fighters from Yemen. We be investigatin' further, but it be lookin' like a bunch o' scallywag Somalis for now, says the spokesman, Brigadier General Patrick Ryder.
November 28, 2023, 4:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! Be it known that these charter schools be sailin' the high seas of education with a treasure chest full o' gains for less doubloons. The scurvy researchers from the University of Arkansas have revealed that despite gettin' less booty per student, these charter schools be outperformin' their landlubber counterparts. So set sail for knowledge, me mateys, for these charter schools be turnin' investments into gold doubloons!
November 28, 2023, 4:51 am
Avast ye, me hearties! As the sun set on Thursday, the Supreme Court witnessed the mighty ascension of the first Black lass to take a seat. But, mateys, mark me words, this newfangled right-wing and originalist court be showin' its true colors this term. They be beholden to the white supremacist patriarchy of them Constitution framers! With Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health Organization, they've gone and hauled up the anchor on Roe v. Wade just last week. And, me buckos, let's not forget the New York State Rifle & Pistol Association...
November 28, 2023, 3:05 am
If ye be among the scurvy dogs who doubloons the villainous ways of the press, fret ye not, for I bring ye tidings. The tale begins with a young matey, a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs. His name be of no consequence, for it matters not. What be of import is that the rascally scallywags at Deadspin thought it their duty to lay waste to him. And what unspeakable wrong did he commit? As Carron J. hath recounted...
November 26, 2023, 10:53 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A mighty vessel, belonging to an Israeli tycoon, hath been accosted by a rogue drone from the land of Persia in the vast waters of the Indian Ocean. 'Tis a brazen act during Israel's strife with the scoundrels of Hamas in the Gaza Strip. 'Tis a perilous time for all seafarers, as these treacherous attacks upon ships have become all too common. Let's hope this madness ends before it sparks a full-blown war on the high seas, mateys!
November 26, 2023, 10:51 am
Arrr, matey! A mighty vessel, controlled by an Israeli crew, took a hit from a pesky Iranian drone in the vast Indian Ocean. 'Twas a mere scratch on the ship, no injuries to our brave sailors. The CMA CGM SYMI, now called Mayet, was attacked by an unmanned contraption, possibly an Iranian Shahed-136 drone, in the northeastern waters. Blimey!
November 26, 2023, 10:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' that a mighty vessel owned by an Israeli tycoon hath been struck in the vast Indian Ocean by a drone, likely of Iranian origin. A scurvy American official claims the Malta-flagged CMA CGM Symi felt the wrath of a Shahed-136 whilst sailin' the open seas. The infernal contraption exploded, causin' damage to the ship but sparin' the lives of her hearty crew. Seems like trouble be brewin' on the high seas...
November 26, 2023, 9:10 am
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy dogs at the Washington Post be failin' miserably at their job. Their words about the war betwixt Israel and Hamas be as slippery as an eel, leanin' heavily in favor of them Gaza rascals. If democracy be dyin' in darkness, then good journalism be goin' to Davy Jones' locker with these radical writers and lousy editors. Last weekend, the swashbucklin' Post had the audacity to print a tale 'bout the U.N. whiskin' away wee babes from the besieged land of Gaza...
November 25, 2023, 6:58 am
In the year 2005, I did converse with the mighty Dutch politician, Geert Wilders, whilst he was forced to reside within a prison due to the treacherous threats upon his life by Islamic scoundrels. The man did not bemoan his plight, but instead declared, "I must make the best of it!" His abode consisted of a commodious chamber, flanked on either side by the abodes of two Libyans. In one of these cells, his garments were stored, whilst the other housed his resting place. Verily, a curious prison indeed...
November 25, 2023, 6:56 am
Arrr, me mateys! The dam be shattered! Geert Wilders and his Party for Freedom be claimin' a triumphant victory in the election, sendin' shockwaves all across Europe! The Dutch folk have declared their support for this Right-wing firebrand in a mighty fashion. Ye see, with so many political parties in the mix, a whopping 23% of the votes goin' to the PVV be nothin' short of a political earthquake!
November 25, 2023, 6:54 am
Arr! 'Tis been near a decade since Hungary's Prime Minister, Viktor Orban, didst boldly declare his aim to transform the land into an "illiberal state," built on "national" values and influenced by China, India, Russia, and Turkey. By Davy Jones' locker, he hath stayed loyal to his words! Hungary be nay longer a democracy but a mere shadow of its past glory, the sole European Union member that the US nonprofit Freedom House rates as only partly free. But avast! There be more to Orban's grand plan...
November 25, 2023, 4:31 am
Arr, me hearties! NewsGuard hath released a tale of 200 advertisements on the platform known as Twitter, from 86 grand brands, governments, noble charities, and schools. These ads be found next to viral posts full of falsehoods 'bout the Israel-Hamas war. Scholars did study 30 posts, viewed by a staggering 92 million, from ten scoundrels who be repeatin' lies 'bout the clash. They claim that on the seventh day of October, the treacherous Hamas...
November 25, 2023, 4:30 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Yonder report from NewsGuard be tellin' tales of ads from fine brands and organizations bein' seen alongside deceitful bilge on Elon Musk's X. It be claimin' that these posts, spreadin' falsehoods 'bout the Israel-Hamas clash, reached a mighty 92 million landlubbers. Arrr, beware the treacherous waters of misinformation, me mateys!
November 25, 2023, 3:16 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The tale be told that Minneapolis' ex-officer Derek Chauvin, found guilty o' the murder o' George Floyd, be stabbed whilst in an Arizona prison! A source claims the scallywag, 47 years o' age, be gravely wounded by a fellow inmate. The New York Times, with two well-informed souls, also confirms this dastardly attack. This Chauvin, a white buccaneer, be rotting away in his cell for the death o' the black man, which sparked grand protests against police brutality and racism.
November 25, 2023, 3:12 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a tale of Calla Mairead Walsh, a spry 19-year-old lass who be a political activist. Arrrrested on a fine Sunday, she be accused of plannin' to firebomb the American Headquarters of Elbit Systems, a fearsome Israeli defense company, in New Hampshire, so they say. This young scallywag hails from a lineage of progressive Democrats, well-known among the landlubbers. The likes of The New York Times and NPR have even sung her praises for helpin' politicians in their campaigns. Walsh be a true pirate of the digital seas, launchin' her own online endeavors...
November 23, 2023, 4:48 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A motley crew of 20 Romanian scalawags, two of 'em with ties to organized crime, were caught red-handed, tryin' to sneak into the ol' U.S. o' A. from our friendly neighbors up north. The border patrol caught 'em in the act as their fancy carriages crossed into our land.
November 23, 2023, 4:31 am
"Arrr! After a hearty 25 years in parliament, the scallywags of the Freedom party (PVV) be poised to seize 37 seats, leavin' their landlubber rivals in their wake. "The PVV be an undeniable force," he hollered. "We be takin' the helm!" His triumph be rockin' Dutch politics, sendin' waves of shock through all of Europe! But if he plans to be a "prime minister for all," he'll need to sweet-talk some other scurvy parties into joinin' his crew. His goal be 76 seats in the 150-seat parliament. Cap'n Wilders, a weathered 60, be harnessin'..."
November 23, 2023, 4:29 am
"When them pale folk be sufferin' a wee cold, us dark folk be fallin' prey to the dreaded pneumonia!" Me daddy oft muttered this ditty, lamentin' the woes o' our kind in matters o' wealth and the world's unfairness. And lo, the pandemic did manifest this cruel notion as covid-19 ravaged the Black brethren, a plight yet unfathomable even today. Aye, this be the notion championed by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., leader of a political crew fixated on medicinal matters... Arrr!
November 23, 2023, 4:06 am
Arrr, the scurvy dogs of Hungary be claimin' that ol' Viktor Orbán be tryin' to mute all critics, matey! He be proposin' a law to create a "sovereignty protection office" to sniff out any foreign influence. That scallywag has been blabberin' for years 'bout external forces underminin' his rule and supportin' his foes. In his latest speech, he warned of "dark forces" that be forever pilagin' his dominion... Arrr, the drama!
November 21, 2023, 8:49 pm
Avast, America! Me hearties, we be in dire straits! Our society be torn asunder. Our wee ones be fed lies. We be spiraling down a treacherous path, but fear not, for we must swiftly right our ship! Arr, 'tis a sight to behold, me mateys! Thousands of scallywags on TikTok be sharin' and cheerin' a forged letter from that scurvy dog, Usama bin Laden, addressed to our fair nation. Videos be circulatin' far and wide, showin' both young and old scurvy dogs discoverin' the letter that...
November 21, 2023, 8:42 pm
Arrr! A lone soul met his fateful end, while a crew of ten was sent to the infirmary due to a cursed outbreak of listeria! 'Tis be caused by the devilish fruits of peaches, nectarines, and plums, as declared by them fancy federal health officials! Yarrr!
November 21, 2023, 8:15 pm
Avast ye, scallywags! Three souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker and a fourth be wounded after a villainous scallywag unleashed his cannon in southern Colorado o'er a debatable matter o' land on Monday, as per the local authorities. But fear not, mateys! The scoundrel was captured on the following day in New Mexico. Hanme K. Clark, a scurvy knave of 45 summers, was apprehended by New Mexico Police in the wee hours of the third day. The specifics of his capture remain as elusive as a mermaid's kiss, but the Custer County Sheriff's Office be postin' updates on their Facebook page. According to the Custer County Coroner's Office, the rest of the tale...
November 21, 2023, 8:06 pm
Avast, ye cooks! Be warned of a grave situation, for a recall be upon us! Thousands of pounds of ground beef, mayhaps tainted with foreign objects, be at stake! The U.S. Department of Agriculture be soundin' the alarm, sayin' ye must return or destroy this cursed meat. It be shipped to eight states, so beware, me hearties!
November 21, 2023, 5:26 am
Arr, ye scurvy scallywags at The Washington Post be tellin' tall tales! They be wrongly reportin' that the United States brokered a peace between Israel and Hamas to free the wee lasses and laddies held hostage in Gaza. But fear not, for the White House National Security Council be settin' 'em straight, and a correction be issued. Avast ye, be careful of them slippery headlines!
November 21, 2023, 5:22 am
Arr, me hearties! The honorable Senate, without a whisper from Davey Jones' locker, be passin' a law to give a swift kick to Azerbaijan's security aid for two long years! Word be spreadin' that they be plannin' to invade southern Armenia. Shiver me timbers! Sen. Gary Peters be the mastermind behind this grand plan, makin' sure President Joe Biden can't wiggle his way out of it in fiscal 2024 and FY25. Aye, the vote be..."
November 21, 2023, 5:20 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Ismail Haniyeh, the scurvy dog leadin' Hamas, be claimin' a truce with them landlubber Israelis be on the horizon. Aye, they be hopin' fer a break in the siege on Gaza and the release of some o' them hostages. "Arr! We be nearin' a deal," Haniyeh bellowed, as the crew handed their answer to them Qatari middlemen. Them US and Israeli bigwigs, along with the Qatari cap'n, be watchin' closely...
November 19, 2023, 6:31 am
Arrr! Elon Musk be swearin' to be filin' a "thermonuclear lawsuit" against Media Matters and the scallywags who be pausing their adverts on his social media site over fears o' antisemitism. The blasted Media Matters claims that ads from IBM, Apple, Oracle, and Comcast's Xfinity were bein' placed next to content glorifyin' Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. This be makin' many tech giants jump ship...
November 19, 2023, 6:29 am
Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Elon Musk be swingin' his cutlass, declarin' a grand lawsuit against Media Matters for America and other scallywag organizations! They be launchin' a foul attack on our noble company, avast! This all be happenin' 'cause many companies be abandonin' ship on Musk's X platform, once known as Twitter. The bilge rats be fleein' after our billionaire cap'n got himself caught up in some antisemitic talk on the platform. 'Twas the very same day when Media Matters, those liberal landlubbers, published an investigation...
November 19, 2023, 6:27 am
Elon Musk, ye scurvy dog, be settin' sail fer a "thermonuclear lawsuit" against Media Matters for America! The bilge rats made claims o' ads runnin' 'longside white nationalist and pro-Nazi content on me beloved social-media platform. Blast 'em to Davy Jones' locker, I say! Arrrrr!
November 19, 2023, 4:13 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A jury o' the federal kind be split down the middle 'pon Thursday in the trial o' Brett Hankison, a former officer from the Louisville Metro Police Department. This scallywag be accused o' violatin' the civil rights o' Breonna Taylor and her mateys, when he let loose ten shots durin' a disastrous raid in March 2020. 'Tis a trial that ne'er should've seen the light o' day! Arr, 'tis not 'cause Hankison be a saintly soul. Ye see, these government scallywags be rarely held accountable fer their deeds to the communities they plunder. 'Tis a sorry state, me hearties...
November 19, 2023, 4:08 am
Yarrr, North Idaho be the haven for them scallywags who seek to flee the impending doom of America. A place where the frontier spirit runs wild, and the folks be sportin' their trusty firearms, and bounty hunters be on the prowl, trackin' down them fugitives who be hopin' to make a break for Canada. 'Tis here, amidst these treacherous lands, where mountain lions, bears, and wolves do roam, that the American Redoubt came to be. The Redoubt be both a prophecy and a movement, a swashbucklin' response to the chaos on the horizon. Aye, an economic meltdown be upon us...
November 19, 2023, 4:04 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dog! A Senate scallywag be cryin' for conditions on aid to the land of Israel 'til they pull back from the battle in Gaza. But it be causin' a mighty storm amongst them pro-Israel Democrats! Aye, 'tis yet another quarrel among the Democrats as they be feelin' the heat from them pro-Palestinian activists who be demandin' action for the worsenin' plight in Gaza. The tale continues, with the U.S. forklin' a hefty $3.8 billion every year to Israel, while the likes of ol' Biden be seekin' $14.3 billion more!
November 19, 2023, 3:59 am
Arrr, matey! Ye be hearin' the latest news! Donald Trump be sailin' ahead, a full 39 points ahead of that Ron DeSantis scallywag in Florida! The University of North Florida be spyin' on registered Republicans and found that 60 percent be throwin' their support behind Trump, while poor DeSantis could only muster a measly 21 percent. Nikki Haley, Trump's former UN ambassador, be comin' in third with a mere six percent, and Chris Christie, the former governor of New Jersey, be takin' home a paltry two percent. Aye, things be lookin' rough for DeSantis indeed!
November 18, 2023, 11:09 am
"Avast ye scurvy dogs! House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) be announcin' the release of over 40,000 hours of Capitol security footage from Jan. 6, 2021. Arrr, 'tis a shrewd move to appease the grumblin' Republicans, who be upset with Johnson fer passin' that fancy stopgap spendin' bill. So gather 'round, me hearties, as we set sail on this grand adventure of watchin' videos on a public website!"
November 18, 2023, 11:06 am
Arrr! Methinks the Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson be sharin' a treasure trove o' secur'ty footage from the great Capitol Riot o' Jan. 6, 2021! Aye, ye scurvy dogs may lay yer eyes on the chaos unfoldin' as hundreds o' former President Donald Trump's loyal scallywags stormed the vessel, aimin' to thwart the certification o' President Joe Biden's victory in the 2020 election. 'Twas a sight to behold as these rapscallions be attackin' the brave officers o' the law, breakin' into the heart o' the ship! Arrr!
November 18, 2023, 11:04 am
Avast ye! Speaker Mike Johnson (R., La.) be shoutin' from the crow's nest on Friday that he be settin' free the U.S. Capitol Police's January 6 footage! Aye, 'tis a bold move for this new captain of the House. The secret scrolls, revealin' the truth of what transpired at the Capitol on that fateful day, be placed on a public website fer all to see. 'Tis a treasure trove of 44,000 hours of footage that be revealed bit by bit, like a slow burnin' fuse. Arrr!
November 18, 2023, 7:50 am
Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! A landlubber judge in Colorado be sayin' that former President Donald J. Trump can stay on the primary ballot, arguin' that the 14th Amendment can't stop him from holdin' office again. But, me hearties, the lawyers seekin' to disqualify him ain't givin' up yet, they be plannin' to appeal! Judge Sarah B. Wallace also be sayin' that with his shenanigans durin' the attack on the U.S. Capitol, Mr. Trump be engagin' in a right ol' insurrection against the...
November 18, 2023, 5:04 am
Arr me hearties! In the bountiful month o' October, U.S. Customs and Border Protection be reportin' that a grand total o' 240,988 scallywags from foreign lands be attemptin' to enter the U.S. from Mexico, a record number, ye see! Among 'em scallywags be 13 folks from the fearsome FBI terror watchlist. But ye see, there be a whole fleet o' "gotaways," pilferin' their way into our fine land, undetected, posin' a threat to American families. The likes o' which the Biden administration be determinin' to tackle with all their might, arr!
November 18, 2023, 5:02 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Cap'n Joe Biden be talkin' fancy about the United States and Mexico joinin' forces to tackle migration, organized crime, and the cursed opioid epidemic. They be standin' side by side, like true buccaneers, ready to face these troubles head-on. Cap'n López Obrador be swearin' his commitment to fightin' against those scurvy drugs! Arrr, what a jolly alliance!
November 18, 2023, 4:57 am
Arr, the laws of Massachusetts do be demandin' that the scurvy police gather data about landlubbers who be drivin' their carriages into trouble. But, if the officers be lettin' the scallywags off with nary a piece of paper, they need not keep record of 'em. 'Tis said that this be happenin' in four outta ten stops, savvy? Now, when those officers be writin' a citation, they be obliged to jot down some basic information 'bout the encounter, includin' their reckonin' of the driver's race. The state be grantin' six options for 'em to pick from: White, Black, Hispanic, Asian, Middle..."
November 18, 2023, 4:53 am
Avast ye, me hearties! As the tides be a-changin' to them fancy electric carriages across Ohio and the land, them fancy lawfolk be wantin' ye lot to have a say in the matter. All ye need be a nod from the Senate and a scribble from Gov. Mike DeWine to keep them scallywags from makin' us adhere to them stuffy emissions rules from the Clean Air Act of 1970 through their emergency protocols. This here decree be savin' our folks from extra hardships, especially them lowly souls in poor communities who be strugglin' with...
November 17, 2023, 5:36 pm
Arr, me hearties! The GOP-led House be startin' t' release a mighty haul o' video footage from the day o' the grand U.S. Capitol breach. Speaker Mike Johnson, a fresh face in the game, be sharin' over 40,000 hours o' footage on a fine website. Mind ye, some bits be too sensitive or dangerous to be shown, so they be keepin' those hidden.
November 17, 2023, 5:34 pm
Arr, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce partook in a grand feast in San Francisco, mateys! They dined with the esteemed Chinese President Xi Jinping, along with powerful CEOs and even the governor of California. A secret scroll revealed that the Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi was present too, seated with Fink. Hark! Wang be known to utter...
November 17, 2023, 5:33 pm
Arr, me hearties! A swarm o' pro-Palestine rebels, even that fair maiden Susan Sarandon, gathered in Union Square on Friday. They bellowed "long live the Intifada!" and shared sketchy treasure maps markin' pro-Israel havens to plunder. "From New York to Gaza, let the Intifada spread!" they roared, wavin' their Palestinian flags high. Another chant cried "Intifada, Intifada. Long live the Intifada!" and a chorus echoed, "We be wantin' no..."
November 17, 2023, 5:32 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! With the dreaded prospect o' either Republican Donald Trump or Democrat Joe Biden takin' the helm in the 2024 presidential race, many landlubbers be yearnin' for fresh blood, less quarrelsome options. A grand and mighty chance be awaitin' third-party candidates, akin to the days of our forefathers in the 1990s. 'Tis a clear warnin' that the two major parties be settlin' on behemothly disliked contenders. Their possible rematch from the 2020 battle be arrivin' just as our nation be strugglin' with economic woes... Arr!
November 17, 2023, 10:59 am
Arrr! The matter o' how them science books discussin' climate change bein' handled in Texas be in the heart o' a mighty fine vote, me hearties, set for Friday! Them Republican education officials be complainin' that them books be too harsh on our precious fossil fuels in this here grand oil 'n gas state. It be causin' quite the stir on the Texas State Board o' Education, which has seen its fair share o' battles over teachin' evolution and U.S. history to the land lubbers.
November 17, 2023, 10:38 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis a tale of a mighty right-wing scallywag, Mark Levin, who be claimin' to be "all in for DeSantis." But here be the rub, me hearties! The scurvy dog never saw fit to mention that his own stepson toiled away on Jewish and pro-Israel matters fer DeSantis's gubernatorial and presidential campaigns. Shiver me timbers!
November 17, 2023, 10:24 am
Arrr, Rep. Becca Balint of the land o' Vermont, a fine lass representin' the Democrats, be joinin' the merry crew o' progressive House Democrats in raisin' their voices for a truce in the fierce battle betwixt Israel and Hamas. In her writin' on VTDigger, this bein' her claim to fame as the first Jewish Congress member, she be advocatin' for a cease o' hostilities, yearnin' for a peace that be steady and lastin' in the lands o' Gaza.
November 17, 2023, 10:22 am
Arr, me hearties! Republican senators be settin' the stage to cast their votes, afore Christmas, on a Democratic-drafted plan to bypass the blockade that Alabama's own Tommy Tuberville has laid afore more than 400 military nominees. The Republican crew be mighty vexed with Tuberville and his matey, Mike Lee, as their quarrels becomin' public once more. Tensions run high betwixt these pro-defense GOP lawmakers and...
November 17, 2023, 12:21 am
On the 41st day of the fierce battle betwixt Israel and Hamas, the brave seafarers of Israel's military didst strike the abode of the dastardly scoundrel, Ismail Haniyeh, whilst he slumbered. They claimed his residence was naught but a den of villainy, whence he orchestrated vile attacks upon Israel. 'Twas but a moon ago that Haniyeh was spied upon in a moving picture, supposedly taken in Qatar. Furthermore, Israel hath seized control of the Shati Camp, a place renowned as a haven for the treacherous Hamas. The Israel Defense Forces (IDF), bold and intrepid, hath dispatched their troops...
November 17, 2023, 12:17 am
Arr, as Adam Johnson's hearties be still gatherin' the shattered bits followin' his untimely demise, new tidings be revealin' the dreams he had fer his lass, Ryan Wolfe. The lad, who met his tragic fate at a tender age o' 29 when a rival's skate blade did cleave his neck in a bout of Elite Ice Hockey, had set his sights on bendin' the knee to Wolfe. Two of his kin's shipmates did share this secret with USA Today.
November 17, 2023, 12:01 am
Arr, the House Select Committee on China be unfurlin' a report of grand misadventure! The bumbling crews o' the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the FBI failed to snare a rogue Chinese pirate and his cursed biolab in California. With the scurvy Chinese government's support, this treacherous den o' hazards went unnoticed. Aye, these gaps be a blight upon us all!
November 16, 2023, 11:44 pm
Arr, me hearties! Israeli scallywags claim they've stumbled upon a secret tunnel dug by those mischievous Hamas rascals at Al Shifa hospital in Gaza. Meanwhile, the UN frets that no aid shall reach the poor Palestinians through the Rafah crossing. A video, whose veracity remains as murky as the Davy Jones' locker, be showin' a mighty hole with debris of concrete, wood, and sand.
November 16, 2023, 4:11 pm
Arr, me hearties! FBI Cap'n Christopher Wray, speakin' afore Congress, be warnin' that the scurvy dogs of Hamas and other pirate-like organizations may take advantage o' this here Israel-Hamas war to launch attacks on the good ol' United States. Aye, 'tis a treacherous time, me mateys! Since October 7, we've witnessed a crew o' foreign terrorist organizations seekin' to plunder our lands...
November 16, 2023, 4:10 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs from the federal authorities and NYPD have plundered thousands of counterfeit designer handbags and shoes worth a staggering $1 billion! 'Tis the grandest haul in all of America's history, as declared by the U.S. Attorney's Office for the Southern District of New York. The audacious raid occurred within a storage hideout in Manhattan, where a mighty 219,000 knock-off bags, clothes, shoes, and other fancy loot were captured. The cunning authorities reckon the entire booty be worth...
November 16, 2023, 4:09 pm
Arr, the scurvy special counsel be sendin' his hearties o'er t' Los Angeles grand jury, in search o' documents and sworn accounts 'bout the business dealings o' that scallywag Hunter Biden! James Biden, brother o' President Joe Biden, be one o' the bilge rats who've been summoned! The investigation be goin' on, ye see...
November 16, 2023, 4:07 pm
Arr! President Biden be praisin' Governor Gavin Newsom, claimin' he be a fine contender for the White House. "He be havin' the job I be wantin'," says the President. Biden, a spry 81-year-old, be thankin' the 56-year-old Democrat for entertainin' the crowd at a shindig in San Francisco. Aye, a fine governor he be, says Biden!
November 16, 2023, 10:25 am
Avast ye hearties! Behold! A mighty report from the House Ethics Committee be sayin' that scallywag George Santos be breakin' the laws of the land. By Davy Jones' locker! He be spendin' his campaign loot on Botox and fancy trips with his matey in Atlantic City! And the sneaky pirate be tryin' to hide his tracks too! Arrr, another attempt to send him packin' be on the horizon!
November 16, 2023, 10:22 am
Arrr, me hearties! Be ye with child? Beware, for yer belly be puttin' ye at great peril for the dreaded COVID-19. Even wee ones be vulnerable to hospitalization from this foul disease. Fear not, for the mateys who be gettin' the maternal vaccination can lessen these risks. The mRNA COVID-19 vaccines may cause similar side effects, whether a lass be carryin' a wee one or not. But fear not, for the research doesn't show an increased risk of losin' the wee babe, or defects in birth, or other troubles with pregnancy after the vaccination. Nay, it even suggests that vaccinatin' may..."
November 16, 2023, 10:21 am
Former Ambassador Nikki Haley be shoutin' from the rooftops, demandin' the U.N. to be stripped o' its gold doubloons! She be sayin' those scallywags be too soft on China, Russia, an' Iran. If she were captain, she'd sail us away from the U.N. Human Rights Commission an' that fancy Paris climate agreement, all the while underminin' the organization without abandonin' ship. Avast, mateys!
November 16, 2023, 10:19 am
Avast ye mateys! The seas be teemin' with a crew o' presidential wannabes, lookin' to sail a different course as independents or third-party scallywags. They be seekin' the favor o' them Americans who be feelin' mightily turned off by the two mateys holdin' the front lines. Aye, 'tis true! If these new scurvy dogs be gainin' enough support, they might just tip the scales in favor o' either Cap'n Biden or Cap'n Trump. Arr, these voters be searchin' for inspiration elsewhere, as the current leaders be provin' to be lackin' in that regard.
November 15, 2023, 10:30 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! Leftist landlubbers be storming the Democratic National Committee headquarters, ye see, demandin' them Democrats in the White House, House and Senate to declare a ceasefire in Gaza! Arr, these scurvy dogs be wearin' shirts sayin' "Cease Fire Now." The ruckus be caught on camera as the troublemakers clashed with the law. The constables be tryin' to drive the mob away from the buildin', and one poor soul took an unexpected tumble down a flight of brick stairs. Them protesters...
November 15, 2023, 10:20 pm
'Tis plain as the nose on a scurvy dog's face that there be never a jolly time to be handing over $10 billion doubloons to them scoundrels runnin' that so-called Islamic Republic of Iran. But alas, reason seems to have abandoned the Biden crew. On a dark night, the secretary of state be sending a message to Congress, beggin' 'em to grant a 120-day waiver for the Iraqi government to send them ill-gotten funds to Iran. That treasure be...
November 15, 2023, 10:09 pm
Arrr, the Vatican be confirmin' a ban on Catholics joinin' the Freemasons, a secretive society that the Catholic Church be despisin' fer centuries. This order be comin' from the Vatican's doctrinal office, claimin' that bein' a Freemason be at odds with Catholic beliefs. Arr, what a clash o' doctrines!
November 15, 2023, 9:56 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! On Wednesday morn, them scurvy Israeli forces be claimin' they be stormin' the grand Shifa Hospital in Gaza, aimin' to wipe out that scoundrel Hamas. The Israel Defense Forces be sayin' they raided the place, armed with intelligence, to give them rascals a taste of their own medicine.
November 15, 2023, 4:47 pm
When he meets the mighty Chinese general secretary Xi this day, in the bountiful San Francisco Bay Area, President Biden may very well achieve the climax of a yearlong change in foreign policy: America's grand return to dealing with China through diplomacy rather than fierce rivalry. By the year 2020, it appeared that both sides had finally grasped, from their own bitter trials, that the Chinese Communist Party posed a peril to the great United States. Yet, the Biden administration persistently utters words in support of this newfound unity, but actions speak louder than a parrot's squawk...
November 15, 2023, 4:45 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Methinks that scallywag Ron DeSantis, once deemed the fiercest rival to our beloved Cap'n Trump, hath plummeted to the lowly rank o' fourth in a poll of the treasured battleground state, New Hampshire. This new survey from Emerson College/7 News telleth us that the lad DeSantis be garnerin' a mere 7%, aye, 10 points less from March. Our mighty Cap'n Trump be dominatin' with a mighty 49%, whilst former South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley be trailin' behind with a paltry 18%. And what's this? Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, aye, a scurvy dog in his own right, be lurkin' in the shadows as well...
November 15, 2023, 4:44 pm
Arrr! The National Security Agency, bein' in charge o' watchin' out fer threats to the U.S. military, took on a new duty under the Biden crew. They be creatin' a grand glossary o' woke words fer their crew, includin' strange terms like "anti-racist" and them gender-neutral words "ze" and "zir." A copy o' the NSA's Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Glossary, confirmed by The Daily Wire, shows the agency explainin' words like "queer theory" and "white..."
November 15, 2023, 4:42 pm
Arr! Me hearties, ye be listenin' here! The Republicans be standin' strong behind Israel like a pirate crew in search of treasure since the savage attack by Hamas on 7 October. Them conservative scallywags be arguin' that the US be supportin' a loyal matey, defendin' the only democracy in these waters, and showin' them terrorists that harmin' innocent souls won't be tolerated. But ahoy, there be more to it than that! Them evangelical conservatives be a vital part o' the Republican ship, and these believers - both sailors and politicians alike - have a deep bond with the land o' Israel. George..."
November 15, 2023, 10:35 am
Arr, we be unsure o' the legal import o' Sidney Powell's testimony against Donald Trump in Fulton County, Ga., after she, a lawyer who aided him in o'erturnin' the 2020 election, struck a bargain with the authorities. Yet, if ye be takin' her remarks afore the prosecutors into account, it may not paint a jolly picture o' how Trump handled his mighty influence. In recent moons, Trump be resortin' to groundless implications and even bluntly utterin'...
November 15, 2023, 10:31 am
Avast ye! A band of 22 sea dogs from the Senate be warnin' Captain Biden to stand firm like a mighty pirate against the treacherous Xi Jinping. They be sayin', "By Davy Jones' locker, let's make sure Taiwan be armed t' the teeth and trained to fend off those scurvy Chinese scoundrels!" The two captains be meetin' in San Francisco, arrr!
November 15, 2023, 10:26 am
Arr, Donald Trump be claimin' that this $250 million trial be all tainted, mateys! He be sayin' the judge, a scurvy dog from Manhattan, be showin' an overwhelming bias. He be askin' for a mistrial, but who knows if he be gettin' his wish. Ahoy, the drama be unfoldin'!
November 15, 2023, 10:00 am
Arrr! The US be witnessin' a coolin' off o' wholesale inflation in October, me hearties! Aye, the cost o' energy be pushin' up prices for three months, but now the wind be changin'! The Bureau of Labor Statistics be sayin' that the Producer Price Index, which measures the average price changes that businesses pay to suppliers, fell 0.5% in a single month! 'Tis the biggest drop since April 2020, when that cursed Covid-19 be causin' economic mayhem. October be a month o' decline, mark me words...
November 14, 2023, 9:10 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at the Federal Bureau of Investigation be accused of seekin' revenge upon agents who dare to profess their conservative or Christian beliefs. They be wastin' their precious time investigatin' me hearties, and even takin' away their privileges. Three brave souls be spillin' the beans to the House Judiciary Committee, ye see. And 'tis said that they be targetin' any current crew who be associated with...
November 14, 2023, 9:05 pm
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs in the chambers be shoutin' for an inspection, callin' for an inspector general investigation. They claim the selection of Greenbelt, Maryland, for the new fancy FBI headquarters be foul play! Rep. Gerry Connolly be demandin' a look into the process, makin' sure it be fair and square.
November 14, 2023, 8:56 pm
Avast, me hearties! The South Yorkshire police be havin' captured a scallywag on Tuesday for the unfortunate demise of young Adam Johnson, the brave ice hockey player slain by a cursed skate blade on English soil. This landlubber, whose name remains a mystery, be languishing in the clutches of the constables for suspicions of manslaughter. Johnson met his doom whilst battlin' on the ice betwixt his crew, the Nottingham Panthers, and the Sheffield Steelers at Sheffield's Utilita Arena. A most distressing video of this wicked act be circulatin'... Arrr!
November 14, 2023, 8:43 pm
Arr, ye scallywags from Massachusetts be arguin' over a pair of bills that be aimin' to give the boot to them Native American mascots in high schools! Senators Comerford and Oakley be proposin' these bills to put an end to the disrespectin' logos, mascots, and team names that be mockin' various groups. 'Tis a third shot at it, mateys!
November 14, 2023, 5:48 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A wee bill be passed by the House o' Representatives, keepin' the government runnin' fer a couple o' months. Arrr, House Speaker Mike Johnson be celebratin' his victory. But hold yer horses, some o' them conservative rogues be not likin' it!
November 14, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On Tuesday, the House be votin' to avoid a shameful government shutdown. Ye see, the new Republican Speaker, Mike Johnson, be havin' to make a deal with them Democrats, after them hard-right scallywags rebelled against his plan. The vote be 336-95, showin' Johnson be willin' to abandon his own crew and cooperate with the enemy to keep the government floatin' - just like that poor soul Kevin McCarthy, who walked the plank not long ago. This time, Johnson be..."
November 14, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arr, me hearties! The House be passin' a fine bill to keep the government afloat, lest it sink into a shutdown abyss! Speaker Mike Johnson, aye, he be showin' his mettle by clearin' this hurdle. In a vote of 336-95, the chamber agreed to this short-term fix. A couple o' Democrats and a whole crew o' 93 Republicans be raisin' their eyebrows at it, mind ye. These conservative fellows, they be arguin' over the spendin' levels, ye see...
November 14, 2023, 5:10 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Word be spreadin' that more informants be comin' forth to spill the beans to Congress 'bout them fancy-pants FBI officers. They be accusin' these high-rankin' scoundrels of targetin' agents, especially them salty dogs who be former military, all 'cause o' their political beliefs. Arrr, it seems these Marines and other veterans be called out for bein' disloyal to the land o' the free, just 'cause they be supportin' that ol' President Trump. This tale be told in the Washington Times...
November 14, 2023, 11:27 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The plundering of US consumer purses be cooled in October, after pillaging their gold for two moons. The moderation in inflation be even grander than expected, hoisting US stocks higher and granting some solace to Americans who've suffered under the relentless price storms these past two years. According to Bureau of Labor Statistics, the Consumer Price Index be risin' 3.2% for the year endin' in October, down from 3.7% in September. On a monthly basis, prices be...
November 14, 2023, 11:25 am
Arrr, me mateys! Avast ye! Inflation be as still as a sleepy kraken in October, which be a ray of hope fer us landlubbers! The blasted prices be loosening their hold on the American economy, givin' the fancy Federal Reserve a chance to lower the interest rates. The consumer price index, aye, it be showin' a 3.2% rise since last year, but it stood as still as a dead parrot for the month, says the Labor Department.
November 14, 2023, 11:23 am
Arr, me hearties! In October, the dreaded inflation be slowin' down, givin' a much-needed respite to yer American folk! The Labor Department, aye, they be sayin' that the price index, measurin' the cost o' everyday necessities like grog, grub, and lodgin', stayed put in October. And, savin' the best for last, prices be risin' a mere 3.2% from the previous year. Those bilge rats at Refinitiv got it all wrong, har!
November 14, 2023, 10:37 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs of the conservative House Freedom Caucus be takin' a stand against that fancy two-tiered stopgap funding bill! Set to avert a government shutdown, it be! Just hours from now, the crew be votin' on it, but these lads be sayin' nay! New Speaker Mike Johnson, he tried to convince 'em, but they be grumblin' like a bunch o' sea monsters. They won't be mutin' though and try to oust the bill. What a tale, mateys!
November 14, 2023, 4:34 am
Arr, me hearties! Listen up, ye scurvy dogs! The Biden crew be thinkin' 'bout givin' those scallywags in Iran a wee bit o' treasure. Aye, they be allowin' 'em access to a vast sum o' $10 billion in gold held in Iraq. But hold yer horses! It be happenin' just a month after them rascals from Tehran, the black-hearted Hamas, attacked poor ol' Israel, leavin' 1,200 souls lost. This be a decision ye need to watch like a hawk, me mateys! This waiver be extendin' the plunderin' relief of them sanctions, first set sail in July, that be finishin' tomorrow. It allows Iraq to be transferrin' their frozen electricity payments straight into the hands of them Iranian scoundrels...
November 14, 2023, 4:31 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs at Goldman Sachs be predictin' that the global economy be sailin' on smooth waters in 2024! They be sayin' that income be growin' strong and the worst of the rate hikes be behind us. They reckon the world economy be expandin' by 2.6%, higher than them landlubber economists be thinkin'. The mighty U.S. be leadin' the way with an estimated growth of 2.1%. And Goldman be sayin' that most of the troubles be washed away...
November 14, 2023, 4:29 am
Arr! The scurvy scallywags in the House be havin' a vote to keelhaul the resolution brought forth by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene to impeach Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas. This be causin' great discomfort to them vulnerable Republicans, as they be forced to make a perilous decision on an impeachment they reckon be half-baked. Rep. John Duarte, representin' a district won by President Biden himself, be openly opposin' it, says I!
November 13, 2023, 10:58 pm
Arrr, mateys! The House Republican leaders be plannin' to pass a tricky two-step stopgap to fund the government, but they be needin' the support of them Democrats to make it happen. The scallywags in the GOP be opposin' it, threatenin' to make it walk the plank. This decision be makin' Speaker Mike Johnson's heart pound like a pirate's drum, for 'tis the same move that caused former Speaker Kevin McCarthy to get the heave-ho. It be sure to tick off them Republican rascals on the right too, mark me words!
November 12, 2023, 1:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale o' a seasoned Ukrainian sea dog, wi' strong connections to th' country's intelligence services, who be at th' helm o' th' grand explosion that wrecked th' Nord Stream natural gas pipelines last year. This scallywag's involvement be th' clearest proof yet linkin' Ukraine's military an' security leaders to this notorious act o' mischief. Yo ho ho!
November 12, 2023, 1:10 pm
Arr, me hearties! Word be reachin' me ears that a fancy-decked colonel from the Ukraine's special forces be the sly dog "coordinator" o' them underwater explosions what be shakin' them Nord Stream gas pipelines in September 2022, givin' Europe's energy markets a right good roil durin' Ukraine's clash with Russia, says a report. Now, mind ye, he didn't sail alone or plot this secret affair, but this Col. Roman Chervinsky be claimin' an integral part in its execution, as per a joint investigation by the Washington Post and a German matey.
November 12, 2023, 1:08 pm
Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis been heard through the grapevine that a scurvy dog of a Ukrainian officer, part o' their intelligence crew, be claimin' responsiblity fer the blastin' o' the Nord Stream pipelines in 2022. Aye, 'tis said that this Roman Chervinsky, a 48-year-old colonel in their Special Forces, be the ringleader o' this dastardly operation. The scallywag be helpin' the team by arrangin' all the necessary supplies, includin' a fine sailboat for their grand adventure...
November 12, 2023, 7:30 am
Arr, mateys! Them scurvy House Republicans be plannin' a two-step scheme to fund the government, as we sail towards another spending deadline. Cap'n Mike Johnson, our newly elected Speaker, be blamin' others for the mess we be in. But fear not, he be appealin' to his right-wing brethren with this plan, says me source aboard the call.
November 12, 2023, 7:29 am
Arr matey! House Speaker Mike Johnson, a scurvy dog from the land of Louisiana, be unveilin' a fancy new plan to keep the government from sinkin' into a watery grave. He be callin' it a "laddered" resolution, where some gold be runnin' out on Jan. 19 and the rest on Feb. 2. But beware, mateys! This peculiar approach be causin' a ruckus among his fellow Republicans. The deadline be fast approachin', so let's see if this plan be holdin' up against the stormy seas ahead!
November 12, 2023, 5:28 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Twas a spectacle fit for a jolly good laugh - the Biden crew's swift jump to cry "Islamophobia!" whenever the touchy subject of antisemitism arose, aye, 'tis quite frequent nowadays! These progressives despise antisemitism, but alas, not the notion itself...just the bloomin' word! 'Tis a reflection of their inner conflicts, ye see. Jews, my fellow adventurers, be amongst the most influential, forward-thinking souls...
November 12, 2023, 5:27 am
Arr! The World Health Organization be claimin' it be losin' communications with its contacts in Al-Shifa Hospital in northern Gaza. As tales o' the hospital facin' repeated attacks be spreadin', we reckon our contacts be joinin' the masses o' displaced souls fleein' the area. The WHO be expressin' deep fears fer the safety o' the healin' hands, hundreds o' ailing and injured patients, includin' wee babes on life support, and those displaced souls who still reside within the...
November 12, 2023, 5:20 am
Avast ye, mateys! A mighty crew of 300,000 mateys be marchin' through London, defendin' the land of Palestine. The scallywag police tried to stop us, but we fought back like true buccaneers. Over 120 landlubbers were sent to the brig! A skirmish broke out with them scurvy dogs on Armistice Day, when we honor the fallen buccaneers of World War One. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak be righteously condemnin' the violence, he be.
November 12, 2023, 5:17 am
Arrr, the sea o' people at UFC 295 at Madison Square Garden in New York be roarin' with cheers and applause as thar former Cap'n Donald Trump, accompanied by the legendary rock crooner Kid Rock and the world-renowned scribbler Tucker Carlson, made an entrance fit fer a king! Trump strolled out to the tune "American Badass" by Kid Rock. The conservative influencer Benny Johnson be tweetin' a clip o' the crowd goin' mental with applause, exclaimin': "Set ye sights on this video. What be ye spyin'? All I see be..."
November 8, 2023, 9:51 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans on Long Island, New York, be havin' a jolly good time on Tuesday night! They be scorin' a historic win, solidifyin' their gains in the area. Aye, there be a small glimmer of hope on this disappointin' night fer 'em nationwide. Ed Romaine be the victorious one, defeat'n Democrat Dave Calone to become the first Republican to win the Suffolk County executive position in 20 years. With a margin o' 26,000 votes, Romaine be takin' the prize with 56% o' the vote. 'Tis a grand victory indeed, makin' the Republicans cheer with glee!
November 8, 2023, 9:44 pm
On his home turf at the Republican presidential skirmish in Miami, Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis honed his argument against the notorious front-runner, Donald Trump, and engaged in a lively quarrel with former Governor Nikki Haley of South Carolina as she sought to bolster her standing. Five valiant contenders gathered upon the stage on Wednesday eve, a mere two moons prior to the commencement of voting: DeSantis, Haley, the honorable Sen. Tim Scott of South Carolina, the shrewd businessman Vivek Ramaswamy, and the erstwhile Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. Alas, for the third occasion, the audacious Trump was absent, leaving the battlefield bereft of his bombastic presence...
November 8, 2023, 9:43 pm
Avast ye mateys! In the grand parley amongst Donald Trump's foes in the quest fer the Republican presidential nomination, they be spoutin' fierce words concernin' the Israel-Hamas scuffle. They vowed to stand beside Israel through thick and thin, whilst jabbin' at Democratic President Joe Biden's mishandlin' of this dire situation. When asked what message they'd be sendin' to the noble Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, the scallywag known as Florida Governor Ron DeSantis declared, "I shall be deliverin' to Bibi meself, sayin', 'Finish the job once and fer all with these scurvy dogs, the vile terrorists of Hamas!'" Usin' Netanyahu's moniker, that be.
November 8, 2023, 9:42 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! In the third Republican primary debate, the likes of Nikki Haley and Vivek Ramaswamy engaged in a fierce battle over their fondness for the treacherous TikTok, a China-owned platform adored by the youth. Haley, the audacious lass, called Ramaswamy a scum! Arrr, what a sight it must've been!
November 5, 2023, 6:13 am
Arr, mateys! Thousands o' landlubbers be gatherin' in the U.S. capital, demandin' a truce in Gaza as Israel be bombardin' without end! Some be blamin' President Joe Biden for supportin' his Middle East mate. "President Biden be understandin' votes in the 2023 elections. We be sayin': No peace, no votes!" shouted Nihad Awad, the National Director o' the Council on American-Islamic Relations.
November 5, 2023, 5:35 am
In the year of our Lord 2020, goodly Eman Hammoud, a Michigan Muslim, did lend her aid to President Joe Biden in ousting that scurvy dog Donald Trump. A month hence, the lass, a Palestinian American immigration lawyer, had nary a doubt she'd back his cause come 2024. But lo and behold! In recent weeks, she hath witnessed the Biden administration bestow unwavering support upon Israel, even as it wages war against the dreaded scallywags of Hamas! No red lines for Israel, no calls for justice... Aye, 'tis a cause for much dismay.
November 5, 2023, 5:30 am
On this fine Election Day, me hearties, the good people of Texas shall decide if they'll be openin' the treasure chest, filled with billions o' dollars, to bolster the might of natural gas power plants. The supporters claim it be the key to mendin' the state's electric grid, which famously crumbled like a poorly constructed ship in the monstrous winter storm of February 2021. That tempest claimed the lives of 246 unfortunate souls, or so says one investigation, but some even claim the number be over 750! Arr, after Winter Storm Uri, 'twas as clear as a calm sea that Texas be in desperate need of a more trustworthy energy source...
November 5, 2023, 5:28 am
Avast ye, me hearties! The scurvy dog, Former President Donald Trump, be makin' an appearance at the Florida Republican Party's Freedom Summit, accompanied by scallywags who turned their backs on Governor Ron DeSantis and pledged their loyalty to him. 'Twas a bold move indeed, as Trump aimed to humiliate the flounderin' governor, whose bid for the presidency in 2024 be sinkin' faster than a cannonball. Mark me words, me mateys, we shall triumph in the Florida primary for the third time, and come the next November, we shall seize victory in this land by a veritable landslide!"
November 2, 2023, 7:47 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The New York Attorney General's crew be grillin' Donald Trump's scurvy sons 'bout their knowledge and involvement in their ol' man's financial shenanigans! The lads, Donald Jr. and Eric, had to face the fire, while their pops be waitin' in the wings to tell his own tale on Monday. Avast, the trial be gettin' heated!
November 2, 2023, 7:45 pm
Arrr, Eric Trump, in the court of Manhattan, he be denyin' any involvement in his father's cursed financial statements. Just like his brother, Donald Trump Jr., he be spoutin' the same tale. Yet, 'twas Eric who be showin' a touch of irritability whilst on the stand, me hearties. The two Trump scoundrels sailed into Manhattan Supreme Court dressed alike, sportin' dark navy blue suits, light blue ties, brown shoes, tidy coifs, and groomed facial hair. Don Jr., aged 45...
November 2, 2023, 7:42 pm
Avast ye! On Thursday, the lads, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump, be denyin' any hand in their father's financial statements. They be claimin' they be relyin' on them fancy accountants and experts to ensure the numbers be true. Arr, the Trump Organization be...
November 2, 2023, 7:03 pm
Arrr, word on the high seas be sayin' that the Republican lass, Nikki Haley, did cross paths with the mighty casino billionaire, Miriam Adelson, over the weekend. 'Twas a gathering of wealthy Republican Jewish donors in Las Vegas, where they did conspire. Adelson be a powerful treasure holder in the GOP, and this fateful encounter with Haley may just be the boost she be needin' in her quest for the primary booty!
November 1, 2023, 11:00 pm
Arr, me hearties! A bunch o' GOP senators, led by the bloke Dan Sullivan from Alaska, had the audacity to pillage the Senate floor on a fine Wednesday evening! They be belittlin' the noble protest of our matey, Tommy Tuberville, against the blasted Pentagon usin' our hard-earned doubloons to fund those accursed abortions. "By Davy Jones' locker! I be supportin' the sanctity o' life, mateys. I be vehemently disagreein' with what that scurvy dog, Secretary Austin and that landlubber Biden, be doin' to politicize our brave military, includin' this wicked abortion policy, which I reckon be against the law!"
November 1, 2023, 10:42 pm
Avast, ye scurvy knave! A landlubber from Brooklyn, donned in a Palestinian scarf, was clapped in irons this week for a right ol' tussle on the Upper East Side. With a heart as black as a pirate's soul, he dared to tear down Israeli hostage posters. 'Tis a foul act of antisemitism and inhumanity, the likes of which be plumbed from the depths of Davy Jones' locker! The scallywag tried to pilfer a flyer on Tuesday eve, but was met with resistance by a band of protectors at 68th Street and Lexington Avenue. "Belay that!" they cried, denying his thieving ways.
November 1, 2023, 10:30 pm
Avast, mateys! Japanese Prime Minister Fumio Kishida be sayin' that the government be spendin' over 17 trillion yen (that be $113 billion in gold doubloons) to soften the blow of risin' inflation. Aye, tax cuts be in the mix too! To fill their coffers, they be preparin' a supplementary budget of 13.1 trillion yen. Word be goin' around, the package could be worth over 17 trillion yen. Arrr!
November 1, 2023, 10:20 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Be ye knowin' that this here fancy expert witness be claimin' that the 14th Amendment, which be a wee clause that lawyers be chattin' 'bout, could be makin' the former President Trump ineligible for the Colorado ballot in 2024? Aye, ye heard it right! This be goin' against what the Trump campaign be sayin'! They be callin' on a right knowledgeable bloke, Professor Gerard Magliocca, from Indiana University, to explain what be this "insurrection" meanin' and how it should be affectin' presidents. Arrr, what a tale we be havin' at the heart of this matter...
October 28, 2023, 12:55 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis be heard that Gov. Ron DeSantis, a contender for the fine 2024 GOP presidential title, hath given the order to them pro-Palestinian student groups at Florida universities, to walk the plank and shut themselves down! Claimin' they lend a hand to terrorism, the governor's decree be a clear breach of free speech n' the First Amendment. Blimey! The State University System of Florida be the messenger, spreadin' this news on Tuesday, with no end in sight...
October 28, 2023, 12:54 pm
"Arrr! Republican scallywag Sen. Mitt Romney be claimin' a hearty chunk o' me crew don't be believin' in the Constitution! Aye, methinks he be referencin' the likes o' Donald Trump and Gov. Ron DeSantis, ye scurvy dogs! DeSantis be showin' his disrespect fer the First Amendment by shuttin' down Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP). Avast ye!"
October 28, 2023, 12:53 pm
Avast ye mateys! Cap'n Ron DeSantis be showin' no regard for the First Amendment, all for the sake o' his poll standin'. Aye, his Disney tactic be a fail, leavin' him a whopping 46 points behind Trump. Now he be settin' his sights on campus free speech, a cry taken up by the right-wingers! Stanford be forsakin' its students for Kyle Duncan, and Judge Ho be boycottin' potential clerks, makin' headlines! And now, DeSantis be aimin' to ensure them Palestinians won't have a say in the matter... Arrr!
October 28, 2023, 8:46 am
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs of Israel be stayin' on solid ground in the Gaza Strip on a fine Saturday. They be claimin' it be a grand "expansion" of their operations, makin' this war against the rascally crew of Hamas a whole lot fiercer. Aye, the Israel Defense Forces had dabbled in small invasions o' late, but this day be markin' their first long stay in these treacherous waters…
October 27, 2023, 5:53 pm
Avast ye! The recent scuffle in the United States, where 18 souls met their untimely demise in Maine, made U.S. Representative Jared Golden, whose comrades were lost in the massacre, reconsider his stance on outlawing assault-style weapons. Yet, this revelation don't alter the situation in Washington, where President Joe Biden's quest to revive the ban be met with resistance from the Republican scallywags who rule the House and ardently support gun rights. This Golden, a conservative Democrat...
October 27, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arr! Chad Hopkins be havin' a jolly good time bowlin' with his mates on a fine Wednesday night, when a scurvy shooter be stormin' into the Just-In-Time Recreation alley, once known as Sparetime Recreation, and startin' to fire his cannons. Hopkins and his hearties managed to escape to safety, but alas, they lost a dear companion, Tricia Asselin. Hopkins be sayin' this dreadful affair be hauntin' many souls for a long while.
October 27, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy delegates o' Hamas be in Moscow, makin' demands like a bunch o' landlubber pirates! They be sayin' they won't free them Israeli hostages in the Gaza Strip 'til Israel agrees to a ceasefire. And they be wantin' all them hostages in Gaza to be found too! Blast their barnacles!
October 27, 2023, 5:50 pm
Avast, me hearties! Rep. Anthony D'Esposito (R-N.Y.) be leadin' a band o' scallywags in the House, aimin' to force a vote on bootin' Rep. George Santos (R-N.Y.) from Congress. This scurvy dog be spreadin' lies 'bout himself and his campaign! "We must send this conman packin'!" shouts D'Esposito. Santos be facin' a heap o' charges, includin' fraud and other financial crimes. He'll be walkin' the plank in a New York court soon. D'Esposito's measure be a...
October 27, 2023, 11:43 am
On the wake o' competin' megadeals, Exxon Mobil and Chevron reported a jolly $15.6 billion in booty on Friday, as the price of oil and fuel be climbin' in the third quarter. Exxon be earnin' a mere $9.1 billion this quarter, a scurvy less than last year's record, but still a fine 15% increase from the previous quarter. The margins fer makin' fuel be broadened, and the company's oil refineries churned out more than any third quarter since 1999, arrr!
October 27, 2023, 11:39 am
Arrr, me hearties! The hopes o' them landlubber first-time homebuyers be dashed against the rocks o' reality! The federal reserve be thinkin' that by makin' it harder for 'em to borrow doubloons, they'd find their lives easier. But alas! The prices o' homes be still risin', even as the number o' real estate transactions be decreasin'. When the federal reserve started raisin' interest rates like the tides, they thought it'd put a damper on inflation and lower prices, includin' in the housing market. But when ye need to pay a hefty fee to borrow some pieces o' eight, fewer scallywags be settlin' down in their own piece o' land. And the Federal...
October 27, 2023, 11:37 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Israel's brave buccaneers have struck a blow to the dastardly hideout of Hamas in Gaza! These rascally terrorists be using innocent civilian spots for their wicked deeds, but fear not! Rear Admiral Daniel Hagari be swearin' to unveil the proof of their treachery. Onward, me hearties!
October 27, 2023, 9:11 am
Arr, methinks Israel be plannin' a grand and arduous land assault upon Gaza, mateys! Their defense minister, Yoav Gallant, be sayin' they be aimin' to bring down that scurvy crew of Hamas and their tunnel network. Aye, they be raidin' the outskirts of Gaza with their jets and drones, showin' no mercy!
October 26, 2023, 8:51 pm
Arr, mateys! The White House be defendin' the hefty booty o' $200,000 that ol' Joe Biden received from his scurvy brother James Biden. But alas, the House Oversight Committee be holdin' the bank records that debunk their claim! A letter be sent by James Comer to White House Counsel Edward Siskel, demandin' proof of this supposed loan repayment. Methinks the bank records show no sign o' Joe Biden sendin' any treasure to his brother...
October 26, 2023, 8:40 pm
Arr, me hearties! Dr. Richard King be sailin' home from the Central Maine Medical Center on Wednesday night, when a matey o' his, a fellow trauma surgeon, sends him an urgent message. Aye, the hospital be overrun with poor souls sufferin' from a terrible calamity! Without delay, Captain King, bein' the director of trauma medicine, turns his ship 'round and sets sail through Lewiston's streets, his hazards a-flashin'. Arr, what he sees when he arrives be a scene straight from the depths of Davy Jones' locker! The emergency room be teemin' with the wounded, a sight that would give ye nightmares, says he, in a jolly jest.
October 26, 2023, 8:32 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A mighty search be underway for the scoundrel who be responsible for the tragic plunderin' of 18 lives, with 13 more left wounded, in Lewiston, Maine. The powers that be be callin' for the capture of 40-year-old Robert Card, a treacherous villain armed and ready for battle! Aye, hundreds of lawmen, 80 FBI agents, and even the royal marshals be joinin' forces to bring this scallywag to justice. A cry be heard from the land, as the residents of..."
October 26, 2023, 8:23 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs o' Detroit be fretting 'bout their chances in the next presidential election! This Alabas Farhat, a fine representative from Dearborn, be soundin' the alarm, claimin' that the Democratic Party be ignorin' the Arab brethren livin' in their very own city! Shiver me timbers, they be takin' a mighty risk by alienatin' their own!
October 22, 2023, 3:41 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A wee Israeli scholar from Harvard Business School was rudely jostled and harassed during a rambunctious "die in" ruckus, denouncing Israel's swashbucklin' counterattacks on Hamas. Arrr! The video, witnessed by the Washington Free Beacon, shows the lad cryin' "Avast! Unhand me!" and "Keep yer filthy mitts off me neck!" while the scallywags, clad in keffiyehs, surround him, hobblin' his view. Eventually, the brave lad declares, "I reside here!" as he tries to escape their clutches...
October 22, 2023, 3:18 pm
Avast ye mateys! Aye, the dreadful news befall us landlubbers, for the president of a synagogue board in Detroit hath met a tragic end. Poor Samantha Woll, she be stabbed multiple times outside her humble abode. The Isaac Agree Downtown Synagogue be mournin' her loss, and prayin' for her soul. The officers be summoned on Saturday...
October 22, 2023, 3:18 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy knaves! The landlubbin' police be investigatin' the demise of a Detroit synagogue board cap'n, found dead outside her humble abode at the crack o' dawn on that fine Saturday morn. The name of the poor soul be kept under lock 'n key, yet the Isaac Agree Downtown Synagogue did announce the tragic news on their ship's log, I mean, Facebook. We be shocked and mournin' the loss of our mighty leader, Samantha Woll. We be awaitin' further tidings, but fear not, we will keep ye informed as the winds blow in.
October 22, 2023, 3:16 pm
Arr, me hearties! A fearsome wench, Samantha Woll, a leader of a grand synagogue, be found stabbed to her demise outside her abode on a Saturday morn! Avast, ye landlubbers! 'Tis forbidden to speculate about her unfortunate fate till more be known. The coppers be clueless 'bout the motive fer this dastardly act. Yarrr!
October 22, 2023, 11:56 am
Avast ye, mateys! Tis plain as the nose on me face. A band o' scurvy jihadi dogs unleash a grand terror upon the good folk o' a free land. In defense o' their very existence, this generous country, what's been supplyin' power and water to the scallywags, finally fights back. Sadly, innocent souls be lost in the chaos; that's the cursed curse o' war. Arrr...
October 22, 2023, 11:54 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! This week, the UK Covid inquiry be lookin' into the Great Barrington Declaration, a rebellious departure from the lockdown norm in 2020. But, by Davy Jones' locker, the inquiry exposed a lack o' professionalism among them fancy scientists who be dismissin' dissentin' opinions! Methinks they be needin' a lesson in open-mindedness. Arrr!
October 22, 2023, 11:53 am
Ahoy matey! I be a lad from a land that wit'stood two tyrants and twas renamed five times in last century. Them foes and even our allies have invaded us landlubbers. We Czechs be flawed, but we ain't fools 'bout world politics. Only three decades ago, we got the chance to steer our own ship, like them Americans do all the time. But lo and behold, some snooty U.S. upper crust think they've got centuries of foreign...
October 22, 2023, 11:39 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Ol' Kevin McCarthy be givin' his seal o' approval to Tom Emmer as his successor. Ahoy, me hearties! Emmer, bein' the third mate o' the Republican crew, be makin' calls to see if he's got enough support to be the captain. "He be the perfect matey for the job. He can..."
October 21, 2023, 1:42 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Rafah border be openin' this fine mornin', allowin' them trucks with humanitarian booty to sail into Gaza. Arrr, the Israeli military be keepin' 'em poor souls under siege, but no more! The first o' 200 mighty trucks, carryin' 3,000 tons o' aid, be rollin' towards Gaza as we speak. Aye, even President Joe Biden himself be talkin' 'bout Egypt earlier this week...
October 21, 2023, 1:40 pm
Arr, a mighty fleet o' trucks, laden with precious cargo o' medical supplies and fine vittles, ventured into Gaza for the first time since the treacherous attacks by them scurvy Hamas lads on Oct. 7. The Egyptians allowed these 20 trucks to pass before swiftly shuttin' the border once more. Alas, the poor souls from foreign lands, includin' the great United States, were left stranded in Gaza, unable to set foot on Egyptian soil. The kind-hearted humanitarian agencies rightly sounded the alarm 'pon the lack o' aid on this Saturday.
October 21, 2023, 1:37 pm
Arr matey! Avast ye! Twenty kindhearted aid wagons, laden with victuals and medicinal provisions, beventured into the Gaza Strip on Saturday morn from Egypt's Rafah border crossing. 'Tis the first fleet to grace these shores since them scurvy Hamas scoundrels beset Israel on October 7, unleashing a calamitous plunder not seen since the age of the Holocaust! Israel be blockading the Gaza Strip, me hearties, after granting the landlubber Palestinians a mere 24 hours to flee the premises. Amidst Israel's retaliatory maneuvers, its officials be joining hands with the United..."
October 21, 2023, 11:37 am
Arr! Avast ye! A scribe from afar, a lass of the airwaves, was seized by the landlubbers! This Russian-American radio buccaneer be accused o' not bein' a proper foreign agent. Meanwhile, a matey from the Wall Street Journal be languishin' in the brig, suspected o' spyin'. The poor lass be held captive in a temporary cell...
October 21, 2023, 11:33 am
Arr matey, them landlubber Russian authorities be holdin' the editor o' Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty in the brig for not registerin' as a foreign agent! 'Tis the second time this year an American scribe has been detained in Russia. Alsu Kurmasheva, a lass with dual US-Russo citizenship, was nabbed in Kazan, a city in the southwest, on Wednesday. She be accused o' not registerin' as a foreign agent, aye..."
October 21, 2023, 11:32 am
Arrr! Them Russian scallywags be nabbin' an editor from Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty, an American news outlet based in Prague. They reckon she be collectin' info 'bout their military that could harm their security. This editor, Alsu Kurmasheva, be havin' dual U.S. and Russian citizenship, and she be visitin' Russia for kinfolk. Her capture in Kazan be followin' the snappin' up of Wall Street Journal reporter Evan...
October 21, 2023, 10:09 am
Arr, the savvy businessman Vivek Ramaswamy be ponderin' whether he be makin' an appearance at the third Republican presidential debate in Miami on the 8th day of November. "He'll make his decision afore the third debate," quoth Zach Henry, a spokesperson for Ramaswamy's campaign, in a missive to The Epoch Times on the 20th day of October. Mr. Henry be keepin' mum on when Mr. Ramaswamy be makin' that decision. The former President Donald J. Trump, leadin' the pack among Republican presidential hopefuls, be announcin'...
October 20, 2023, 11:16 pm
"Arrr! Avast ye scurvy dogs! Me heart be filled with laughter at the news that Rep. Ocasio-Cortez be mockin' Rep. Donalds' bid for House speaker. Methinks the lad be havin' served only one measly term, and be guilty of presentin' forged evidence! These bilge rats be naught but jesters! Many other Republicans be joinin' the fray..."
October 20, 2023, 11:07 pm
Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis a tale of intrigue and deception on the high seas of diplomacy. After them scallywags from Israel and the United States claimed that the fiery rocket what blasted into the Al-Ahli Arab Hospital in Gaza didn't be their doing, Jordan's Foreign Minister, Ayman Safadi, cried foul! "Arrr! No one be believin' that yarn 'round these parts," he snarled. His predecessor, the cunning Marwan Muasher, a former ambassador to Israel, be havin' his say too...
October 20, 2023, 10:55 pm
Emmanuel Ching be plagued by a troubled soul last week, mateys! 'Twas an attempt to draft a statement 'bout the vile Hamas assault on Israel and their slaughter of 1,400 innocent souls that left him feelin' uneasy. Me heart be heavy as I reckon even student crews be expressin' support and merriment for such deeds. But this here Mr. Ching, a hearty member of the executive board of GWDems at the George Washington University – the grandest chapter of College Democrats in all the land...
October 20, 2023, 10:51 pm
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be swearin' to "fight until victory" in the land o' Gaza, signalin' no rest in his navy's bombardment and expected invasion o' the stronghold after them scallywags o' Hamas released two U.S. hostages. The band o' Islamists, known as Hamas, on Friday set free the U.S. mother and daughter, Judith and Natalie Raanan, who were kidnapped in their raid on the south o' Israel on the seventh day o' October. They be the first hostages to be set free by both sides in this here conflict since them pirates o' Hamas stormed into Israel, takin' lives and causin' mayhem...
October 20, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Congressman Jim Jordan, aye, be settin' sail on a treacherous voyage to win the House speakership, but alas, his plan be more leaky than a swiss cheese ship. He be tryin' to strong-arm his fellow Republicans, stirrin' up a storm o' support, all to scuttle Steve Scalise's chances. But when the time came for a vote, he had naught but a hope to bully his opponents into submission. 'Twas a sorry attempt, for his opponents be seein' through his tricks. Ahoy, mateys, 'twas a grand tale of political folly!
October 20, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arr, the grown-ups be finally arrivin'! By thwartin' Rep. Jim Jordan's hopes o' becomin' Speaker of the House (at least fer now, till he may try again in January), the scurvy Republicans seem to 'ave narrowly escaped a mighty blow on Thursday. Aye, 'twas a puny bunch o' 22 Republicans on the second ballot who rallied to prevent Jordan—a scallywag involved in Donald Trump's vain quest to overturn the 2020 election—from takin' the helm. But 'twas an even smaller crew o' Republicans who made Jordan's rise seem remotely possible...
October 20, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arrr, ye see, me hearties, them House Republicans be havin' a right ol' pickle on their hands! Blame be fallin' on a bunch of scallywags with peculiar ways, who claim to be more virtuous than the rest, aye, the Freedom Caucus! But the real trouble lies in the fact that the Republican Party be havin' a mighty difficult time decidin' what it truly desires. Aye, their ideology be lackin' in conviction, ye see, and that be the root of their leadership woes, mateys.
October 20, 2023, 4:00 pm
Arrr, me mateys! Yonder Republican conference, on this fine Friday, be votin' to no longer support House Judiciary Chair Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) as their chosen Speaker. A secret ballot it were, after Jordan's third unfortunate defeat on th' House floor. The poor lad lost GOP favor with each passin' vote. 'Tis the latest theater in this grand ol' saga, which began over two weeks ago when eight House Republicans, brave souls they be, joined forces with the Democrats to keelhaul former Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) on Oct. 3. Jordan, he were the GOP's second chance at the helm... or so they thought!
October 20, 2023, 11:22 am
The House Judiciary Chair, Jim Jordan of Ohio, be sufferin' a mighty blow to his quest fer the speaker's gavel on the third ballot. 'Tis said that his campaign be a zombie, a-walkin' the plank to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, some Republicans be gettin' restless, not wishin' to endure another 15 ballots like when they elected Kevin McCarthy as Speaker. On the third ballot, 25 scallywag Republicans cast their votes fer other candidates, be it. Arrr!
October 20, 2023, 11:20 am
Arrr, me hearties! Israeli scallywags be unleashing their fighter ships upon the Gaza Strip, aye, in a fierce battle against the treacherous scum known as Hamas! They be takin' down a senior sailor who be involved in the slaughter of innocent souls, arrr! The raid be leavin' naught but rubble and ruins, with tunnels, stores of weapons, and operational hideouts all sent to Davy Jones' locker, says the Israel Defense Forces on their scroll. To truly impress ye landlubbers, the IDF be sharin' a spectacle of bombs blastin' buildings asunder in the pitch-black night. Aye, a grand show it be!
October 20, 2023, 11:09 am
Arr! 'Tis a sight so temptin' that some scalawags be too superstitious to speak o' it openly: The most reliable Republican o' Wall Street may be takin' charge o' the U.S. House! Rep. Patrick McHenry, the temporary speaker who be poised to do more than just mind the ship, be one o' the House GOP's finest ambassadors to the business lot, havin' led the Financial Services Committee fer quite some time.
October 20, 2023, 11:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Rep. Ken Buck, a scurvy dog from Colorado, be tellin' tales of death threats! Aye, 'tis a sorry sight indeed when pirates in the House be fightin' o'er who be the next Speaker. Buck be receivin' four threats for supportin' Tom Emmer instead of Jim Jordan. Shiver me timbers!
October 19, 2023, 10:15 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The swashbucklers of the USS Carney have sent three land attack cruise missiles and a pack of drones to Davy Jones' locker! Word from Brig. Gen. Pat Ryder, a fine mate from the U.S. Department of Defense, be that these were launched by them pesky Houthi scoundrels in Yemen, who be backed by them sneaky Iranians. This be proof of our grand air and missile defense system in the Middle East, ready to protect at all times!
October 19, 2023, 10:10 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Swashbucklin' CVS be abandonin' some oral cough and cold potions, mateys! The FDA, them landlubbers, reckon the main ingredient be useless! We be keepin' other potions, so ye need not despair, me scurvy dogs!
October 19, 2023, 10:02 pm
Arr, me hearties! President Biden, in a grand address from the Oval Office, be claimin' that us supportin' Israel and Ukraine in their battles be crucial fer our very own national security. He be likenin' the conflicts to one another, reckonin' that both Hamas and Putin be wantin' to obliterate peaceful democracies nearby. Aye, he even mentioned that scurvy dogs like Iran be backin' them both!
October 19, 2023, 9:56 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Israeli Defense Minister, Yoav Gallant, be tellin' his hearty troops to prepare for a grand invasion o' the Gaza Strip. Aye, their fighter jets be bombardin' the land controlled by the fearsome Hamas. Gallant met with his infantry soldiers by the Gaza border, orderin' 'em to be ready, but the time o' the attack remained a mystery. "Aye, those who spy upon Gaza from afar shall soon find themselves within its treacherous grip," he declared.
October 19, 2023, 5:44 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The treasure bond yields be on the rise as the Federal Reserve cap'n, Jerome Powell, declared that interest rates be stayin' steady at the next policy meetin'. But afore ye start celebratin' the defeat o' inflation, he warned that there may still be some hefty tightenin' ahead! The 10-year Treasury yield be gettin' mighty close to 5%, a sight not seen in 16 years, while the 30-year yield be reachin' a grand 5.1%! Yields be on the rise for four straight days now.
October 19, 2023, 5:38 pm
Avast, me hearties! 'Tis been reported by ABC News that Israel's war cabinet gave the "green light" to invade the Gaza Strip! They be ready to sail forth and overthrow the scallywag Hamas regime! Methinks the Israeli Defense Forces be on their way, arrr!
October 19, 2023, 5:34 pm
Arrr! Avast, me hearties! 'Tis a tale I be tellin' ye! A member o' Saudi Arabia's noble bloodline hath accused the treacherous scallywags of Hamas o' tryin' ta scupper their efforts to forge ties with Israel! Prince Turki Al-Faisal be throwin' shade at both Hamas 'n Israel, by Jove! Aye, 'tis an extraordinary message from the former intelligence chief, says Israel's Channel 12. We condemn them blasted scurvy dogs for messin' with the smooth sailin' betwixt Saudi Arabia 'n...
October 19, 2023, 5:33 pm
Arr, me hearties! Methinks the Republican House Conference be sailin' adrift, unable to pick a new speaker. Cap'n Kevin McCarthy be spillin' the beans, claimin' things got mighty tense in a secret meetin'. Aye, an Axios matey says McCarthy be yellin' at Rep. Matt Gaetz, tellin' him to sit his keister down. 'Twas a sight to behold, me mateys!
October 19, 2023, 11:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) be not seekin' a vote for speaker, aye, and he be backin' a plan to give Rep. Patrick T. McHenry (R-N.C.), the temporary speaker, more powers, accordin' to me sources. After two rounds o' votes, a band o' scurvy Republicans have made it clear that Jordan be lackin' enough support to win the speaker's gavel. With House matters at a standstill, our honorable lawmakers can now proceed with a proposal to...
October 19, 2023, 10:57 am
In her winded speech, the lass Rep. Elise Stefanik spun a yarn about Rep. Jim Jordan, sayin' he'd befit the role of House speaker. But, by Davy Jones' locker, she distorted the truth! Blabberin' 'bout energy and gasoline prices being Jordan's concern? That be a load of bilge rats! The truth be that Jordan fell short, and Stefanik's words were nothin' but empty wind. Arrrgh!
October 19, 2023, 10:46 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Rep. Jim Jordan be sendin' word to the House Republican Conference that he won't be havin' a third ballot. Instead, he be throwin' his weight behind Speaker Pro Tempore Patrick McHenry, so the House can return to its regular ways. Jordan be proclaimin' he'll be stayin' as the speaker designate and helpin' McHenry by boostin' his powers 'til January. Arrr, on the first two ballots, Jordan lost support from his mateys...
October 19, 2023, 10:21 am
Arr, mateys! General Motors be settin' sail on a different course, they be! They be delayin' their plans to turn one o' their Michigan assembly plants into a factory for electric-pickup trucks, ye hear? Seems like the demand for these fancy electric vehicles be slowin' down a bit. Aye, it seems the forecast for electric vehicle production ain't as rosy as they thought. The good ship GM was supposed to start producin' the electric Chevrolet Silverado and GMC Sierra in late 2024, but now they be sayin' they'll start in late 2025. The winds of change be blowin', me hearties!
October 18, 2023, 8:35 pm
Arrr! Ye scurvy dogs at the Media Research Center have unearthed a treasure trove of 6,000 instances of online censorship! They be a bunch of landlubbers, silencing the voices of 700 brave souls who dared to criticize that scallywag President Joe Biden! And that ain't all, me hearties! They be censoring posts on political debates, like that mysterious transgenderism and the cursed coronavirus response. They be striking on all platforms, from Facebook to Instagram, Twitter/X to Google, and even YouTube! In one tale worth tellin', they be clampin' down on an Instagram video from the Atlas Society, a crew of libertarian buccaneers..." Arrr, the sea be a treacherous place for free speech, me mateys!
October 18, 2023, 8:25 pm
Starbucks, ye mighty scallywag of a coffee behemoth, be takin' this union, known as Starbucks Workers United, to court, claimin' they be unlawfully takin' the company's intellectual property. This all be stemmin' from the union's rather cheeky pro-Palestine post. Arr, after them scoundrels from Hamas attacked Israel on October 7, Starbucks Workers United decided to publish a post in solidarity with Palestine on X, but then quickly deleted it, like the rats they be. They even had the audacity to quote-tweet a picture showin' a bulldozer breakin' through the security fence surroundin'...
October 18, 2023, 8:19 pm
Arrr! Avast, ye mateys! 'Tis a tale o' woe and sorrow that shakes the seven seas! Palestinian scallywags from Gaza, known as Hamas, be claimin' the lives o' no less than 1,400 souls in Israel! They be takin' over a hundred poor souls hostage, causin' chaos throughout the lands, most notably in the realms o' central and eastern Europe, where the Jews be havin' strong ties and memories o' the dreadful Holocaust! But there be a particular soul who be sufferin' greatly! Alex Danzig, a scholar o' 75 years, a man dedicated to studyin' the very depths o' the Holocaust, be snatched away! 'Tis a blow that be strikin' deep in the hearts o' many. For 30 long years, he's been toilin' fer Yad Vashem, Israel's memory keeper o' the Holocaust...
October 18, 2023, 8:03 pm
Avast ye! A peace summit in Jordan be walked the plank, a public lecture from the Egyptian captain vanished like a ship in the mist, and the U.S. secretary of state be left abandoned in the dark night in Saudi Arabia, like a scallywag without a compass. These Arab leaders be giving a hearty rebuff to the U.S. officials this week, showing their deep frustration with an administration that be weak and unwilling to tame the Israeli military campaign in Gaza. They be sayin' it be causin' chaos in the region, and even blowin' up hospitals like a cannonball. The land be rumblin' with protests...
October 17, 2023, 11:05 pm
Arrrr, matey! Avast ye! One o' them scurvy NYU students, Yazmeen Deyhimi, be a bold lass who dared to rip down them Israeli hostage posters! She be a passionate activist, fightin' racial profilin', claimin' her anger be misplaced. But she confessed on her Instagram, for all to see! The seas be buzzin' with this news, me hearties!
October 17, 2023, 10:56 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Methinks Judge Tanya Chutkan be bent on provin' Donald Trump's claim that her bias be too much to fairly judge him. She's slapped a puny gag order on the former president, tellin' him to keep his trap shut 'bout the prosecutor, court folks, and any poor souls that might be called to testify. This be the second time Trump be silenced in a fortnight, as Judge Arthur Engoron did the same in the New York State civil fraud case. Argh, the pirate's life be full of surprises!
October 17, 2023, 10:52 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy Biden administration be plannin' to put a stop to them shipments o' fancy artificial intelligence chips to China. They be fearin' that Beijing be gettin' their hands on top-notch U.S. tech to build up their military might. These rules be kickin' in in 30 days, restrictin' even more countries like Iran and Russia from gettin' their mitts on these advanced chips and chipmakin' tools. And they be black-listin' them Chinese chip designers, Moore...
October 17, 2023, 10:46 pm
Arrr! A mighty explosion hath shook a Gaza City hospital, teemin' with the wounded and other goodly Palestinians seekin' refuge. Hundreds o' souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker, as per the Health Ministry under Hamas' command. Blamin' those Israeli scallywags for an airstrike, while that Israeli military be pinning it on a misfired rocket from other miscreant pirates. Aye, at least 500 souls be lost, sayeth the ministry. As fury be spreadin' like wildfire across the land, with President Joe Biden makin' way to the Mideast in hopes of puttin' an end to this madness...
October 16, 2023, 10:54 pm
Arrr! In the early days of October, Afshin Javid, a fine minister of the Cyrus Call, sailed to Israel to foster friendship betwixt the Persians and Jews. But alas! Fate be cruel, as Hamas, the scallywags, launched a bloody assault on the 7th of Oct. Afshin, a former Hezbollah warrior, be well acquainted with violence. He sat down with CBN News to spin his yarn. "I was sailin' to the United States to convert Christians to Islam, carryin' 30 illegal passports. I..."
October 16, 2023, 10:47 pm
Avast, mateys! Iran be givin' a timely warnin' that they be plannin' to strike at Israel soon enough, with the "leaders of the Resistance" standin' strong against an invasion of Gaza. Arr, Israel, bein' cautious, decided to delay their ground invasion, fearin' that Iran's matey, Hezbollah, may join the fray. Iran be makin' it clear on Monday that they be ready to open up a new front in the blink of an eye...
October 16, 2023, 10:36 pm
Arr, me hearties! House Judiciary Chairman Jim Jordan, the scurvy dog from Ohio, be gatherin' a crew to claim the Speakership. Although some still raise their swords against him, he be convincin' a few scallywags to change their tune. Sailed in on his ship, the good ship Momentum, he snatched four doubloons from his rivals, including the likes of Mike Rogers, Ann Wagner, Ken Calvert, and Vern Buchanan. But beware, for at least six Republicans still be refusin' to sail under his flag, callin' him a fast-talking, hard-...
October 16, 2023, 10:28 pm
Arrr, avast ye! The damsel's kin be sayin' that this here investigation o' her unfortunate demise should not be sealed shut, mateys! She be yearnin' fer justice to be served, she be. Carolyn Andriano, restin' in a Florida inn, be called a casualty o' an accidental overdose and the cursed fentanyl. Nay obituary nor funeral did she receive, and so the coppers delved into her passin'.
October 15, 2023, 8:10 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The Republicans have plundered victory in the Louisiana governor race, takin' control from them landlubber Democrats! Jeff Landry, that cunning Attorney General, be the victor, surpassin' the 50% vote requirement to avoid a second round. The Associated Press hath proclaimed the outcome. Landry and Shawn Wilson, a young Democrat, were the leadin' contenders in this fierce battle to take the place of the soon-to-be-departed...
October 15, 2023, 8:10 am
Avast ye! 'Tis bein' said that Louisiana Attorney General Jeff Landry be claimin' the title o' governor, makin' the Republicans rule the roost once more since 2016, says The Associated Press. Landry be battlin' a whole shipload o' scallywags in the jungle primary, where all candidates be squabblin' on the same ballot. If no one be gettin' more than half the booty, there be a duel betwixt the top two!
October 15, 2023, 7:14 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis a merry tale to tell ye, for the Israel Defense Forces be confirm'n the demise of Ali Qadhi, a fearsome scallywag from the wretched crew of Hamas. This villain be accused of orchestratin' the surprise attack that sent at least 1,300 innocent souls to Davy Jones' locker. "Avast! We've sent Ali Qadi to Davy Jones' locker," says the IDF's official account. "All ye Hamas scoundrels be meetin' the same fate!" This Qadi fella, a lubber in charge of the Nukhba unit, had been captured afore...
October 15, 2023, 6:59 am
Arrr, me mateys! The scallywag Antony Blinken be pleadin' for protection of the landlubbers in Gaza and Israel. He be sailin' 'cross the Middle East, seekin' help from the likes of Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates to put an end to this Israel-Hamas war. Let's hope his efforts don't end up in Davy Jones' locker!
October 14, 2023, 3:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers be mournin' the 1,200 souls lost in the savage attack by them scurvy dogs of Hamas! These treacherous bilge rats ravaged the seas, plunderin' and rapin' poor women, and paradin' 'em through the streets. Even babes in their cribs weren't spared, their heads severed by these villains! Entire families met their doom at their hands! Many a civilian still be missin' or held captive in Gaza. The wickedness of these scoundrels be beyond words, me mateys!
October 14, 2023, 3:10 pm
Arrr! The Israeli navy be blastin' bombs once more upon the besieged Gaza Strip. Me hearties, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be declarin' a war on them scurvy dogs of the Palestinian group Hamas, who be holdin' the reins o' Gaza. 'Twas a grand assault, I tell ye, and it be takin' a toll with over 900 Israelis and 600 Palestinians sent to Davy Jones' Locker. Methinks the numbers be risin' as the battle rages on...
October 14, 2023, 3:02 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The havoc unraveling in Gaza be no ordinary battle, nor be it a mere invasion. Nay, 'tis a full-blown genocide, I tell ye! The ghastly sights and sounds be evidence of a heartless army bent on eradicating what little be left of this ravaged land. They be mercilessly slaughtering innocent souls, be they wee children, exhausted women, or weary men. For years upon years, this onslaught...
October 14, 2023, 5:06 am
Arrr, word be sailin' that Saudi Arabia be changin' their tune, turnin' away from a pact with Israel and makin' a pact with Iran instead, all 'cause o' the scurvy attack by Hamas on Israel! Blast me barnacles! Over 2,800 souls have met Davy Jones' locker since Hamas started firin' their cannons 'cross Israel, makin' 'em declare war on those landlubber terrorists and issue warnin's to the scallywags in Gaza! The Israel Defense Forces told that Fox News rascal Trey...
October 14, 2023, 5:04 am
Avast ye! Saudi Arabia be settin' aside them U.S.-backed plans to make nice with Israel, ye scurvy dogs! Two sources in the know say the kingdom be changin' its tune, as the fightin' twixt Israel and them pesky pirates of Hamas gets fiercer. This here clash o' swords has even forced 'em Saudis to parley with Iran. Arr! The Crown Prince, Mohammed bin Salman, had his first chat with the Iranian President, Ebrahim Raisi, as Riyadh tries to keep the violence from spreadin' like wildfire across the seven seas... Argh!
October 14, 2023, 5:01 am
Arrr! Saudi Arabia be takin' a break from makin' nice with Israel, ye scurvy dogs! Violence be eruptin' 'tween them Hamas scoundrels 'n the Israeli forces, throwin' a wrench in President Joe Biden's plans for the Middle East. Them Saudi officials be whisperin' their decision to the U.S. in secret talks. 'Tis no end to the diplomacy, they claim, just a wee pause. Aye, an American official, who shall remain nameless, did confirm...
October 14, 2023, 4:50 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A knave hath stabbed a teacher to Davy Jones' locker, and left two poor souls wounded at a French school. Methinks this be no ordinary mischief, for the Jewish brethren be on their guard, awaitin' a universal "day of Jihad." The scoundrel, a young lad of twenty winters, hath been captured, fear not!
October 13, 2023, 5:54 pm
Avast, ye scurvy progressive lawmakers be advisin' President Joe Biden to press upon Israel with more force, as they be settin' sail on a fierce, bloody, and never-endin' campaign in Gaza. The leader o' the Congressional Progressive Caucus and a multitude o' lawmakers be sendin' a letter to the president and Secretary Antony Blinken, beggin' 'em to urge Israel to abide by international law and to lend a hand in establishin' a humanitarian corridor durin' this war in the Middle East. Arrr!
October 13, 2023, 5:52 pm
Ahoy, matey Matt! Avast, what a year 'tis been! Nay, a whole decade, if ye ask me. 'Tis like that good ol' curse, "May ye live in interestin' times." Aye, indeed we be sailin' through interestin' times, me hearties. Aye, aye, Emma! Interestin' times they be, and dreadfully tragic, I tells ye. We be chattin' 'bout that scurvy Hamas attack in southern Israel last week and the response o' the landlubbin' Israelis. Arr, more than 1,200 brave sailors—mostly civilians, mind ye—have met their doom in gruesome ways. 'Tis a sorrowful sight, me matey. And near 100-150 brave souls be held captive...
October 13, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arr! A scribe from the Associated Press, harbored in Gaza, be havin' a social media record of cursin' Israel as an oppressin' and apartheid regime. Many be claimin' he can't fairly report on the conflict. A hefty report from HonestReporting, a watchful eye on the media, be exposin' Issam Adwan's many instances o' breakin' down Israel, such as callin' it an "apartheid" regime, dreamin' o' its downfall, and even likenin' it to the Nazis. Adwan be...
October 13, 2023, 5:10 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! House Republicans be dubbin' Rep. Jim Jordan as their nominee for Speaker of the House. But mark me words, that don't make him a sure-shot for the position. There be more hoops to jump through, like garnerin' support from his fellow mates before the grand House floor vote. Aye, Majority Leader Scalise had to walk the plank, for his vote tally be insufficient. Ahoy, Rep. Jordan, ye be the runner-up!
October 13, 2023, 8:54 am
Arr, the swashbucklin' Israel's military be givin' orders to evacuate over a million scurvy Palestinians from the northern Gaza Strip, mateys! The United Nations be warnin' that this could be a proper disaster, with all them airstrikes and the dire humanitarian situation. Avast! Do ye be usin' Telegram? Subscribe to our channel for the latest news on Russia's war in Ukraine, ye landlubbers! Israel be gearin' up for a ground invasion of the besieged enclave, aimin' to put an end to the rule of them scallywags from Hamas, the militant crew...
October 13, 2023, 8:50 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the U.S. Supreme Court be fixin' to make it even more difficult to win legal battles against them landlubber state officials who be messin' with the boundaries of electoral districts to mess with the votes of us Black and other minority voters. The nine justices be hearin' arguments this week about movin' 30,000 Black residents from South Carolina's 1st congressional district to another one. Blimey!
October 13, 2023, 8:46 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs of Hamas be keepin' the poor souls of the northern Gaza Strip from settin' sail to safety, mateys! The Israel Defense Forces gave 'em fair warnin' of an impending land invasion, but these landlubbers be discouragin' all attempts to flee! Shiver me timbers!
October 13, 2023, 8:39 am
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye, forsooth! 'Tis a tale o' treachery on the high seas! In the seventeenth year o' this century, them scurvy dogs from Hamas did launch a surprise onslaught upon Israel, leavin' a thousand souls in Davy Jones' locker, with a hundred and fifty souls held captive. Israel, bein' no weakling, did declare war upon these rascals and fought back! Aye, the aftermath be a sight to behold, as pictures and videos o' the violence flowed like grog at a pirate's tavern, spillin' onto social media like rum from a leaky barrel. Some o' these wretched images were shared by the unfortunate victims themselves, while others were said to be planted by the conniving Hamas. But beware, me hearties, for some belonged to bygone days, plundered from conflicts in faraway lands, or...
October 12, 2023, 8:22 pm
Avast ye scallywags! In a twist o' fate on Thursday, House Majority Leader Steve Scalise be proclaimin' that he be withdrawin' his name from the race for the vacant House speaker role. "I be tellin' me crew that I be takin' meself out o' the runnin' fer the speaker designee," Scalise be sayin' to all them reporters. Arrr, the Republican conference on Wednesday be nominatin' Scalise for the speaker position, after California Rep. Kevin McCarthy be walkin' the plank in a grand vote last week. "There be..."
October 12, 2023, 7:49 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Republican Steve Scalise be abandonin' his quest to become the House speaker, as his sorry self couldn't gather enough votes to claim the shiny gavel. In a secret meetin' on Thursday, Scalise broke the news to his fellow mateys. The future remains uncertain, as the House be locked up tight while the Republicans try to select a new speaker, havin' tossed Kevin McCarthy overboard. "I be tellin' me crew that I be takin' me name off the list for speaker-designee," Scalise declared as he emerged from the secret chambers...
October 12, 2023, 7:44 pm
Michal Uziyahu be callin' herself a fortunate soul, matey. When them scurvy dogs of Hamas set forth on their heinous attacks upon Israel on a fine Saturday, some brave communities be fightin' back. Arrr, hers be one of 'em. This fine lass, bein' 46 years old and a mother of three, resides with her scallywag of a husband in Ein HaBesor—a cooperative farmin' community, known as a moshav, situated in the southern lands of Israel, a mere 9 nautical miles from the dreaded Gaza Strip. Come the break of dawn at 6:30 bells on the blessed Saturday, they be woken by thunderous explosions, me hearties, and made haste to them shelters rightly built for such villainous assaults. "Arrr, since we be livin' on..."
October 12, 2023, 7:39 pm
Arrr, America's response to outbreaks o' violence in the Middle East conflict be followin' the same pattern fer decades, matey! The likes o' Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton, an' Barack Obama pledged their support fer Israel, only t' then beg fer restraint an' later cry fer an end t' the fightin' as the death toll be risin'. But now, President Biden be facin' a peculiar mix o' factors that might shackle his approach t' the war betwixt Israel an' Hamas. This be includin' the unheard o' scale o' Hamas's attack, an' the threat o'...
October 12, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arr! The good ol' U.S. and Qatar have struck a deal to keep those scurvy dogs in Iran from gettin' their hands on $6 billion worth o' oil booty! This be part of a grand exchange fer prisoners, ye see. Seems like those landlubber Iranians be slingin' money, weapons, and secrets to the villainous Hamas, who just caused a right terror in Israel.
October 12, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arrr! Word on the high seas be that the United States and Qatar have a secret pact to keep Iran from snatchin' the $6 billion booty meant for those in need, all while Hamas be causin' chaos in Israel. Deputy Treasury Secretary Wally Adeyemo spilled the beans to House Democrats, sayin' the gold won't be sailin' to Iran anytime soon.
October 12, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arr! The U.S. and Qatar be whisperin' secrets o' a "quiet understanding," keepin' hush-hush on the $6 billion worth o' Persian oil loot that was freed in that prisoner swap last month, matey! A trusty source be spillin' the beans to CBS News, claimin' that Deputy Treasury Secretary Wally Adeyemo revealed this here secret to them House Democrats in a closed-door meetin' on Thursday mornin', arrr! In exchange for settin' free five Americans who were wrongly held captive in Iran, the Biden...
October 12, 2023, 5:14 pm
Arrr, me mateys! Google be claimin' it be puttin' in a good fight against that scallywag Vladimir Putin and his government by muddlin' their ability to spread deceit through their services after that ruckus in Ukraine. Yet, a sneaky Android service named Discover keeps on servin' up deceivin' propaganda to them Russian landlubbers. Discover be showin' a bunch o' stuff in the Chrome browser on them Android devices. They mix horoscopes with video game reviews and news articles, all lookin' the same, boastin' a grand...
October 12, 2023, 11:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! The grand leader of India, Narendra Modi, hath proclaimed his support for Israel in a diplomatic spectacle. 'Tis a rare sight, for the land of India usually be neutral in such worldly brawls like the Ukraine skirmish. The dastardly scoundrels of Hamas be attacking innocent folk in Israel, and in return, the mighty Israelites be giving them what for! But alas, those miscreant rightwing ruffians of the online realm be using this clash to spread their own anti-Muslim nonsense. Arrr!
October 12, 2023, 10:23 am
Arrr, me hearties! Israeli Cap'n Benjamin Netanyahu hath sent a fearsome warning to them scurvy dogs of terror, Hamas! They be guilty o' countless war crimes and the slaughter of over 1,300 good Israeli folk. He be shoutin', "Every scurvy dog of a member o' Hamas shall meet Davy Jones' locker!" Cap'n Isaac Herzog, on the other hand, be tellin' the foreign scribes that Israel be preparin' fer a long and treacherous battle wit' these rapscallions. The Israel Defense Forces be bombardin' their hideouts in the Gaza Strip, while gatherin' an army at the border, ready to invade their wretched lair... Ahoy, mateys, let the battle commence!
October 12, 2023, 10:20 am
Arrr, mateys! Thar be a crisis brewin' in Israel, but fear not! The Democrats be seein' a chance to fix a longstandin' foreign policy divide that them sneaky Republicans been takin' advantage of fer years. It be a chance to rally 'round their cap'n, facin' one o' the biggest challenges in the region in many moons. The Democrats be havin' some trouble with supportin' Israel lately, thanks to them fancy-pants liberals, but now that they be seein' the true evil o' them scurvy dogs in Hamas, they be comin' back to their senses...
October 12, 2023, 10:16 am
Avast, me hearties! Steve Scalise, the swashbucklin' Republican contender for the coveted role of leadin' the U.S. House of Representatives, be facin' a mighty test on Thursday. He must gather enough support from his scallywag party mates to be elected speaker on the chamber floor. Just yesterday, he outsmarted that scurvy dog Jim Jordan for the nomination, but he still be needin' 217 Republican votes to give those scurvy Democrats a run for their doubloons!
October 11, 2023, 10:56 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Behold, the special operations Marines, part o' the 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit, be settin' sail on a grand adventure! They be takin' part in a mighty exercise, lastin' through Oct. 22, but alas, they departed early due to emergin' events. On Tuesday, news reached me ears that these brave souls, both marines and sailors, would be engagin' in Marine Air-Ground task force trainin' in Kuwait, from Oct. 8 to the 22nd. The trainin' started with the USS Bataan and the USS Carter Hall, mighty vessels fit for any pirate worth his salt...
October 11, 2023, 10:48 pm
Arrr! Saudi's Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and Iran's President Ebrahim Raisi had a jolly chat on t'phone, swearin' their undyin' support for the scallywags in Palestine. The gabfest lasted 'bout 45 minutes, they be blabberin' 'bout the war in Gaza. The Iran lubbers said they be wantin' to put an end to the war crimes against Palestine, while Salman, as per the Saudi Press Agency, pledged his hearty support for the Palestinian cause and urged...
October 11, 2023, 10:40 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! The United Auto Workers be expandin' their ongoing strikes against these fancy automobile makers. Just recently, a Ford truck plant in Kentucky decided to join the party, much to the delight of the union. Arr, around 8,700 hardworking lads and lasses from the Truck Assembly Plant in Louisville, where they be buildin' those F-250 and F-550 trucks, along with some SUVs, decided to spontaneously walk off the job this fine Wednesday. This be quite the surprise, ye see, as this be Ford's grandest and most profitable facility. The union claims that Ford be turnin' a blind eye to further negotiations... Aye, they be refusin' to sit down and talk like civilized folk!
October 11, 2023, 10:09 pm
Arrr! The landlubber Joe Biden be sendin' a stern message to Iran, warnin' 'em to stay clear of the brouhaha betwixt Israel 'n Hamas. Meanwhile, them scurvy Israeli lads be unleashing their fiery cannons upon Gaza, for them rascally Hamas dogs breached the border 'n wreaked havoc, leavin' a trail of destruction 'n sorrow. Hundreds of thousands be forced to abandon their homes, ye see.
October 11, 2023, 5:38 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Caroline Ellison, a matey who once sailed the treacherous seas with Sam Bankman-Fried, hath spilled her guts to a jury. With tears in her eyes, she admitted that the days leading to the demise of the crypto exchange be the foulest in her life. She dreaded the day when her deceitful ways, coverin' up the pilferin' of billions, would be exposed to the world. This lass, who once held the helm of FTX's sister hedge fund, Alameda Research, hath been spewin' her confession for a second day in the court of law. Her words be unravelin' the tale...
October 11, 2023, 5:27 pm
Arr, me hearties! Them scurvy Republicans be rampin' up their tongue waggin', cryin' for the "elimination," "eradication," and "levelin'" o' them scoundrels from the Hamas lot. No matter the cost, mind ye! As the sun rises on a new day, Washington be schemin' to lend a hand to Israel after their recent tussle with them villains. "This be a sickly affair, and we must deal with these sickly folk as they deserve, and be rid o' them," ye ol' former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, settin' her sights on the 2024 GOP prize, quipped on the airwaves o' Fox News, me hearties!
October 11, 2023, 4:58 pm
I be proclaimin' the creation of a "government o' national emergency" wit' Benny Gantz's National Unity crew joinin' me ship! Cap'n Benjamin Netanyahu declares, "The people o' Israel be standin' as one, and now our leaders be united too. We be castin' aside all else, for the very fate o' our fair land be at hand. We'll sail together, shoulder to shoulder, for the good o' our people and the state o' Israel." "We laid eyes on the scurvy beasts! We faced them barbarians! We witnessed a heartless foe! Arrr!"
October 11, 2023, 4:32 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A merry band of New York state Republicans be plannin' to cast out their fellow matey, George Santos, from the House o' Representatives. The scallywag be facin' a heap of trouble, with a grand total of 23 criminal counts! He be accused o' blowin' up his campaign's booty, plunderin' his mateys' credit cards without a care. Santos, who be representin'...
October 11, 2023, 10:22 am
Arrr! Israeli Cap'n Benjamin Netanyahu be joinin' forces with Benny Gantz o' the opposition National Unity party to forge a unity government. They be swearin' to focus their efforts on matters o' the conflict at hand, as Israel be gatherin' its troops near the Gaza Strip. Hamas, the scallywags, claim their leader be gettin' caught in the crossfire!
October 11, 2023, 10:20 am
Arrr! Them scurvy US prosecutors be settin' their sights on Rep George Santos, claimin' he be pilferin' from the coffers of his campaign donors! The justice department be slappin' him with a wretched 23 charges, accusin' him o' wire fraud and identity theft, and even fibbin' to the Federal Election Commission! Aye, Mr Santos be keepin' his trap shut 'bout these here developments!
October 11, 2023, 10:16 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! The Israeli scallywags have fired their mighty rockets into the southern land of Lebanon, smiting those dastardly scoundrels of Hezbollah. 'Twas revenge for the sneaky anti-tank missiles they launched, which first struck our valiant soldiers. Lt. Col. Jonathan Conricus, a brave soul from the Israel Defense Forces, declared that our army bombarded the town of Duhaira and its surroundings, where the missile assault originated. We now be engaged in a fierce battle on a secondary front, me hearties!
October 11, 2023, 10:02 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The cap'n of an Iranian-backed militia in Iraq be threatenin' to lay siege upon them Yankee military bases, should America meddle in the ruckus betwixt Hamas and Israel. Just hours after the mighty vessel U.S.S. Gerald R. Ford sailed into the Eastern Mediterranean to keep them pesky neighbors from stirrin' up more trouble. "Our cannons, flying contraptions, and elite swashbucklers be all set to launch a mighty assault upon the American scallywags in their own hideouts, disruptin' their precious booty..."
October 10, 2023, 9:59 pm
Avast, me hearties! Mary Lou Retton, a mighty lass who shone bright in the land of America when she seized victory in the all-around women's gymnastics contest at the 1984 Summer Olympics, be now sailin' in a hospital, as revealed by her own daughter. Arr, Retton be fightin' for her life against the treacherous pneumonia in the intensive care quarters, as shared by the fair maiden McKenna Lane Kelley. In true peril, Kelley's Instagram message informed that Retton be unable to draw breath without assistance. Alas, Kelley's missive did not provide further details...
October 10, 2023, 9:49 pm
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy House Republicans be settin' sail on the treacherous seas o' choosin' their next speaker this week. But alas! The party be lost at sea, unable to spy a worthy candidate who can capture the majority o' their conference's votes when the full chamber convenes. Just yesterday, the GOP landlubbers emerged from a secret gathering, aimin' to scrutinize their top two contenders before takin' the matter to a party vote on the mornin' o' Wednesday. But alas, the suspense be killin' us, as the two declared...
October 10, 2023, 9:38 pm
Arrr, mateys! Last month, at Hong Kong's grand M+ art museum, scurvy executives, diplomats, and foreign business chambers gathered to feast upon canapés and grog. Their quest, ye see, was to restore the charm of this financial haven. Aye, the year 2019 witnessed rebellious protests, and in 2020, Beijing swiftly imposed a dreadful national security law. As if that weren't enough, three years of harsh COVID lockdowns forced countless souls to abandon ship, dealin' a blow to this fine land...
October 10, 2023, 9:24 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! This here tale be tellin' o' the treacherous battle at Kibbutz Kfar Aza, a wee place teemin' wit' conflict. Aye, the fightin' raged till this mornin', as those pesky landlubbers from Hamas dared to breach the border wire from Gaza! The poor souls o' this Israeli community met their untimely demise. Beware, mateys, for this chronicle may be disturbin' to some.
October 10, 2023, 5:20 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A band of 20 Republican senators be demandin' that the Biden crew freeze the grand sum of $6 billion in Iranian booty, recently released from the South Korean treasure chests in September. Arrr, Sen. Marsha Blackburn, a feisty lass from Tennessee, penned a letter, along with her fellow scallywags, to the cap'n himself, President Joe Biden. They claim that the lily-livered Iranians be behind the treacherous attack by Hamas on Israel, which sent at least 900 landlubbers to Davy Jones' locker. Yo ho ho, the plot thickens!
October 10, 2023, 4:36 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The clash betwixt Israel and Palestine be reachin' new heights, thanks to a grandiose assault by the rascally scoundrels of Hamas. African nations be watchin' with keen eyes, n' their responses be varied. The likes of Kenya and Ghana be boldly standin' with Israel, with President William Ruto at the helm, a staunch supporter of the cause. Tis a delicate dance, me hearties, as they tread betwixt principles, diplomacy, n' compassion, watchin' the chaos unfold.
October 10, 2023, 4:28 pm
Arr, me hearties! The White House be mighty angry at that scallywag Ronna McDaniel! She be callin' them dastardly terror attacks in Israel a "great opportunity" for Republican candidates! Blast her barnacles! Many a good soul, including nine Americans, have met their maker in them attacks. And hundreds more innocent folks be slain! Aye, it seems some folks be lackin' a moral compass, like this Ronna McDaniel...
October 10, 2023, 4:24 pm
Arrr, mateys! Word be reachin' me ears that the landlubber United States be dispatchin' their experts in hostage rescuin' to aid the Israel Defense Forces in liberatin' the 150 hostages, mayhaps even some Americans, ye scurvy dogs! And to add to the excitement, them U.S. special operations forces be keepin' a watchful eye in a nearby European land, so they be on their toes, argggh!
October 10, 2023, 10:46 am
Avast, me hearties! 'Tis a strange sight indeed to behold the President of the United States walkin' the plank of a picket line. President Joe Biden did just that, settin' his boots on the sacred ground of the United Auto Workers' strike against General Motors, Ford, and Stellantis. With a voice as bold as a cannon blast, he rallied the crew and hailed their efforts in savin' the automobile industry. Arrr, a pirate's hat off to ye, me lads!
October 10, 2023, 10:45 am
Arr, me mateys! The scallywags o' the auto workers be on strike, mark me words! These economists be sayin' that if these clashes keep goin', it could be causin' some real damage to our beloved economy. But fear not, me hearties! Fer now, only a wee portion o' the workforce be affected, with no major consequences. Yet, if ye be lookin' at the stats from the Labor Department, ye'll see it be the most missed work hours in 23 years! Aye, tis a tale of trouble on the horizon...
October 10, 2023, 8:13 am
Arrr! The tally be in, me hearties! The count o' homes up for grabs be sinkin' faster than a scurvy dog in September. A sorry 4% drop it be, compared to last year. And that's not all! We be facin' a mighty shortage, with our home supply down a jaw-droppin' 45.1% from afore this cursed pandemic swept across the land in 2020. Shiver me timbers!
October 10, 2023, 8:11 am
Avast ye scallywags! In his days of yore, Allen Weisselberg, the trusty finance chief of Donald Trump, did lend a helping hand to keep his land of properties afloat. From the wreckage of casino bankruptcies and a cursed airline failure, he did steer them clear of insolvency. Yet, after serving time in the brig for tax fraud, Weisselberg finds himself back in the spotlight. Arrr! Set to take the stand on Tuesday, he shall testify in a civil trial led by the New York Attorney General, Letitia James. The lass be accusing the former Republican captain and his company, the Trump...
October 9, 2023, 5:12 pm
Arr! The mighty Kroger, a giant in the land of supermarkets, be leading the charge in battle against thievery and blunders at their self-checkout lanes. They be usin' fancy AI and camera contraptions to keep a watchful eye on their scurvy customers. Aye, this be causin' quite the stir among the masses, with debates on customer satisfaction, morals, and privacy. And mark me words, other chains plagued by pillagers be keepin' a close eye on how this technology be helpin' to solve their woes. The Street be reportin' that Kroger has taken a grand leap by employin' AI to peer into the activities of its customers at these self-checkout lanes, a bold move indeed!
October 9, 2023, 5:10 pm
"Arrr! The weight o' supportin' Israel in their clash with the scurvy dogs o' Hamas be puttin' pressure on our divided House Republican crew, mateys! Arr, as we gaze upon the terrors unfoldin' in Israel, we be needin' American leadership on the global stage like never before," cried Rep. Nick Langworthy, a matey from N-Yarrr! "The Congress must return to their duties and choose a speaker without delay... We can only find peace through the might o' America." Nine brave Americans..."
October 9, 2023, 4:59 pm
Avast ye! A missive from Secretary of State Antony Blinken, speakin' o' showin' support fer a truce aft'r them scurvy dogs o' Hamas be launchin' attacks on Israel, be walkin' the plank! 'Tis the second missive the Biden crew be scrubbin' from X since those bandits o' Hamas be ambushing from Gaza, makin' Israel declare war on the rascally bunch. "Me and that Turkish Foreign Minister, Hakan Fidan, be chattin' 'bout them blaggards o' Hamas and their attacks on Israel. I urged Tükiye's support fer a ceasefire and..."
October 9, 2023, 4:57 pm
Arr matey! Governor Gavin Newsom, the scurvy dog, has be vetoing a bill that be banning caste discrimination in the land o' California. Some folks be arguin' that this bill be protectin' our mates o' South Asian blood who be treated unfairly. But ol' Newsom be sayin' we already got laws against discriminatin' based on religion, origin, and such. "This bill be unnecessary, for we already be havin' rules to ban caste discrimination," he be sayin' in a statement. Aye, the caste system in India, which be...
October 9, 2023, 8:59 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The scoundrel sympathizers o' these treacherous terrorists be rejoicin' in their vile attack on Israel! They be snatchin' innocent lasses and little ones, takin' lives o' hundreds of blameless souls! These dastardly displays o' support be happenin' in the United States, United Kingdom, Germany, and other lands. In New York City, the scallywags be shoutin' that this assault be "justified." They also be chantin', "From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free," a phrase that be...
October 9, 2023, 8:58 am
As the brawl betwixt Israel and Hamas rages on, groups and experts acquainted with the Israeli government's long-standing apartheid 'gainst Palestinians insist 'tis false to deem the attacks unprovoked. The Israeli military doth engage in combat with Palestinian fighters on Sunday, after that scurvy knave Hamas did breach Israel's security barrier, with thousands o' rocks, and attacked settlements nearby. At least 700 souls have been...
October 8, 2023, 7:36 am
Arrr, me mateys! Avast ye! This here Hamas be pullin' a cheeky surprise attack on them Israeli landlubbers! They be changin' the rules of the game, they be, and mayhaps even stirrin' up trouble in the Middle East. For many a year, it seemed that Hamas be keepin' things calm in Gaza, 'cept for stirrin' up trouble in the West Bank. Them scurvy dogs be launchin' terrorist attacks left and right! Meanwhile, Israel be lettin' in 17,000 workers from Gaza each day, like friendly neighbors sharin' a drink.
October 8, 2023, 7:34 am
Arr, the sights be beyond a pirate's wildest imaginin'! Palestinian scallywags sailin' through an Israeli town, firin' at innocent folk from a pick-up's bed. A dead Israeli soldier, his green attire turned crimson, bein' dragged from a car in Gaza and trodden upon. An old lass, appearin' bewildered, bein' held captive and flaunted 'round the streets in a golf cart. 'Tis a confusin' day indeed - for such madness be unheard of! The peaceful Shabbat holiday mornin' took a turn unexpected, ye see...
October 8, 2023, 7:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden and his scurvy crew be takin' a gander at the blast o' violences in Israel, me mateys! Aye, they be dealin' with a right mess of a diplomatic situation, like nothin' they've seen afore betwixt them Israelis and the Palestinians, aye! The bond betwixt Biden and his ol' mate, Benjamin Netanyahu, be a bit on the rocks, ye see. This Netanyahu bloke be governin' with his far-right crew, causin' some trouble fer Biden'n'all. And to make matters worse, them Palestinians be fightin' amongst themselves, makin' it a hard task for these American officials, ye see...
October 8, 2023, 5:32 am
Arr, ye scurvy scallywags o' Hamas be firin' rockets into towns, takin' aim at honest folk from paragliders, and snatchin' women and wee ones from their abodes. Grandmothers, held at gunpoint, forced onto golf carts, to be held for ransom or sent to Davy Jones' locker, all backed by heartless bilge rats from New York City. Aye, on the Lord's day, in Times Square, the Democratic Socialists of America be holdin' an "All Out for Palestine" rally. They be advisin' ye to wear a mask, so ye ain't caught by the law. But 'tis best to let the swastikas do the talkin'...
October 5, 2023, 10:48 pm
Arr, me hearties! The ol' scallywag, Donald Trump, be claimin' he'd be willin' to become the speaker o' the House fer a wee bit. Aye, he be callin' himself a "unifier" 'til them Republicans make up their minds. Says he'd take the job fer 30, 60, or 90 days, if needs be. This be the third time in two days that he's been chattin' 'bout takin' the top spot in the House of Representatives, after the...
October 5, 2023, 10:22 pm
Arrr! Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a tale of treachery on the high seas of Brooklyn! The young rapscallion, a mere 18 years of age, be accused o' the dastardly deed of stabbin' a beloved social-justice advocate. But fear not, for the law be swift! The coppers raided his hideout and unearthed a knife and a swashbucklin' sweatshirt matchin' the villain's attire. Brian Dowling, with salty tears streamin' down his face, be bound by chains as the officers paraded him from the gallows, charg'd with murder and criminal possession of a..."
October 2, 2023, 10:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A scurvy crew o' landlubbers be sayin' that 41% o' French scallywags be supportin' a measly limit o' four flights fer each swashbuckler's whole life, all 'cause o' climate blabber. Aye, ye heard right, mateys, they be wantin' to keep ye outta the skies!
October 2, 2023, 10:03 pm
Arr, the scurvy dogs of the International Longshore and Warehouse Union be claimin' bankruptcy protection! Aye, they be representin' them dockworkers on the West Coast, but a lawsuit be loomin' over their heads for their unfair work slothfulness. These rapscallions be fightin' with the Oregon branch of the International, makin' waves in their quest for justice!
October 2, 2023, 9:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' that them scurvy hedge funds, what use them fancy contraptions called computers to trade stocks, be gettin' ready to sell a mighty sum of $20 billion to $30 billion in the next fortnight. The stock market be retreatin', and these hedge funds, what follow market trends with their fancy algorithms, be changin' from bein' bullish to neutral on stocks, as per a note from UBS. The bank be warnin' that this massive outflow could worsen the decline in share prices.
October 2, 2023, 9:41 pm
Arr, two clever landlubbers, the Hungarian American Katalin Karikó and the American Drew Weissman, be rightly bestowed with the prestigious Nobel Prize in medicine this fine Monday. Their ingenious discoveries be all about them nucleoside base modifications, which be ultimately helpin' create them potent mRNA vaccines against the scurvy COVID-19. By Davy Jones' locker, their groundbreaking revelations be revolutionizin' our understandin' of how mRNA be minglin' with our bodies' bits and bobs!
September 30, 2023, 6:37 am
Arr, me hearties! We be mournin' the passin' of Sen. Dianne Feinstein, a legend in her own right. She be known fer many a great feat - risin' to power after the slayin' of Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, fightin' fer the rights of the LGBTQ+ community, servin' in the Senate for a sturdy 30 years, bannin' them assault weapons in '94, and exposin' Bush's torture in 2014. Aye, she be a true breaker of glass ceilings fer women and Jews alike!
September 30, 2023, 6:35 am
Arrr, the brave and bold Sen. Dianne Feinstein, a true legend among the Senate crew, hath taken her final voyage on Thursday night, as reported by a kin. At the ripe age of 90, with her health in a sorry state and memory waning, many a matey had been calling on her to step down. During her time aboard the Senate ship, she blazed a trail as the first lass to join the Judiciary Committee. She also commanded as the first lady to steer both the Intelligence Committee and the Rules and Administration Committee. She be a force to be reckoned with...
September 30, 2023, 6:34 am
Avast ye mateys! Raise yer grog and bid farewell to the noble Senator Dianne Feinstein, may she rest in peace. Aye, whether ye liked her or not, many be mournin' her loss. Let's pray that the Almighty soothes the hearts of her kin and followers. Be comforted, for Feinstein truly made her mark in her 90 years. Yet, this be the time for a sea change, me hearties...
September 30, 2023, 5:19 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A Russian 'mystery plane' be spied in North Korea, makin' the landlubbers in Washington mighty uneasy. The scoundrel Kim Jong Un met with President Vladimir Putin 'cross the high seas, and the bilge rats reckon they be plannin' a weapons deal 'gainst the West. Arr, FlightRadar24 spotted a Russian military VIP vessel landin' in Pyongyang, so the tale goes...
September 30, 2023, 5:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! Who be the scoundrel responsible for the doom of Nord Stream 2 on the eve of September 26, 2021? By Davy Jones' locker, 'twas a mighty explosion, 262 feet beneath the Baltic's surface, shakin' the Richter Scale at 2.5! It tore asunder that $11 billion gas pipeline, supplyin' Russian gas straight to Germany and the goodly West, and it blew up global geopolitics too, aye! Now, who be the culprit, ye ask? Be it them dastardly Russians? Or mayhaps the feisty Ukrainians? Could it be them crafty Americans? The Danes, the Norwegians, the Poles, the Israelis, or the swashbucklin' Brits? A year has passed, yet the chatter continues...
September 30, 2023, 5:13 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Gather 'round and hear me tale of the grandest adventure of the year! 'Twas in the year of our Lord 2021 when a motley crew of ordinary traders, led by a gallant Massachusetts father known as Roaring Kitty or DeepFuckingValue (depending on yer fancy social media platform), set sail to challenge them Wall Street titans. Aye, the underdogs emerged victorious, whilst them wealthy scoundrels met their watery grave. 'Twas a battle for justice, me hearties, as our brave heroes exposed the thievery of the rigged financial system. Even the grand Congress could not ignore their triumph...
September 30, 2023, 5:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs in the House of Representatives be failin' to pass a measly stopgap fundin' bill, which could've saved us from a cursed government shutdown! A bunch of 21 Republican Congress members be votin' against the bill, may they be walkin' the plank! Aye, the bill be almost makin' it through with a procedural vote, but walked the plank during the final tally of 198-232 votes, with those 21 traitors votin' against it. Arrr, if the House and Senate don't reach an agreement by midnight on Sunday, all them "nonessential" federal functions be doomed!
September 29, 2023, 9:12 am
Arr matey! Methinks President Joe Biden be facin' a guilty verdict fer acceptin' a bribe with payments given to his kin, as per them legal experts tellin' the Daily Caller News Foundation. Them Democrats be objectin' mightily to them Republicans investigatin' Hunter Biden, as well as the newly-set sail impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden. They claim the president be receivin' no direct payments or advantage from his scallywag son's business dealings and alleged influence peddlin'. But them legal experts be sayin'...
September 29, 2023, 9:11 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs of the U.S. West Coast do produce o'er 90% of America's precious wine booty, but alas! Their cursed land is prone to wildfires, a fiery mix that brought disaster upon the industry in 2020. These scholars of science be now scramblin' to quell the flames and save the day! Should ye sample a fine wine, ye may be blessed with the notes of noble oak or luscious red fruit. But dare ye take a sip of wine crafted from grapes tainted by the vile smoke, ye might find yerself believin' someone had emptied an ash-filled ashtray into yer very own goblet! Lo and behold, wine experts from the three West Coast havens..."
September 28, 2023, 10:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! On Thursday, the House Oversight Committee be settin' sail on a grand adventure, as they be holdin' the first hearin' in the scurvy GOP's impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden and his scallywag son, Hunter. Chairman James Comer, a fine lad from Kentucky, be claimin' that this here hearin' will be focusin' on the "basis of an impeachment inquiry" and bringin' forth evidence of ol' Biden's involvement in his family's shenanigans, both at home and abroad. Yo ho ho, let the games begin!
September 28, 2023, 10:26 am
Arr, the scallywag Left must've had a grand ol' time watchin' that Republican debate. Not 'cause o' the usual reasons, mind ye. The bloomin' moderators asked 'em about Ukraine aid, tests for servants' wits, and UFOs! But they didn't bother to talk 'bout the most pressin' problem: the blasted American family crisis. The pompous liberal elites be wantin' to ignore that one! Luckily, Wednesday's debate be givin' them scurvy moderators a chance to change their tune and ask the candidates to diagnose...
September 28, 2023, 10:25 am
Arr, the question be no longer "Can a government shutdown be averted?" Nay, it be "How long will the shutdown last, and how will it end?" In the halls of Congress, a series of votes last eve on amendments to strip Ukraine funding be an absolute disaster, failin' by a mighty 200-vote margin, showin'...
September 28, 2023, 10:14 am
Avast ye scallywags! The second GOP presidential debate stirred up a mighty yarrrr amongst the lads, with talk o' illegal immigration, China, and other such matters. And behold, the winners be: Tim Scott: This South Carolina senator showed true mettle, deliverin' a thunderous verbal blow to his rival Vivek Ramaswamy, accusin' the scurvy dog of bein' "in league with the Chinese Communist Party." He even earned himself a round o' hearty applause when...
September 27, 2023, 6:18 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dog! The White House spokesman fer oversight and investigations be dismissin' a findin' on Wednesday by the House Oversight Committee showin' that Hunter Biden's Chinese business mates sent the first son at least $250,000 worth of wires with Joe Biden's Delaware home listed as the beneficiary address. Hunter Biden was first paid $10,000 by Wang Xin, a Chinese matey, in July 2019, and another $250,000 was wired to him by Johnathan Li, a different Chinese business matey, in August 2019, the... Avast!
September 27, 2023, 6:18 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! This scallywag Trump be givin' a mighty roar like a thunderin' storm! He be callin' out this bilge rat Engoron, claimin' he be talkin' rot about fraud and belittlin' me treasure, Mar-a-Lago! This be a treacherous attack, mates, led by a corrupt lass named Letitia James! Arrr!
September 27, 2023, 6:15 pm
methinks the scurvy dogs on Broadway be sayin' that the economy, abortion, the border, and trust in leadership be their main concerns for the 2024 presidential election. "Arr, 'tis the economy," says Glenn. "And they better be fixin' that blasted border." Melissa be carin' about abortion rights, sayin' a lass should choose what she do with her body. Elaine be sharin' her thoughts on the matter, but we be left wonderin' what she be sayin' next...
September 27, 2023, 6:13 pm
Arr, if no serious progress be made in labor negotiations, the United Auto Workers union be threatenin' to strike more o' them Detroit Three automotive facilities on Friday. A matey familiar with the talks spilled the beans. The union, however, kept mum, awaitin' a video address from their cap'n, Shawn Fain. Bargainin' still be goin' on at Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler parent Stellantis. If Fain be settin' off walkouts at more plants startin' at noon, there be trouble brewin' on the horizon...
September 26, 2023, 6:48 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Them major brands be pullin' their ads from Rumble, 'cause they be too chicken-hearted to stand up for Russell Brand. The bloke be accused o' somethin' from more'n a decade ago, but he swears on his pirate life 'e never did it! YouTube be even worse, banishin' him from makin' any gold on his accounts. But Rumble, they be havin' the guts to say no to censorship!
September 26, 2023, 6:45 pm
"Biden, ye scallywag! US officials be warnin' of a mighty hunger sweepin' across the land if the government be shuttin' down! The good Secretary Tom Vilsack be sayin' that the vast majority of 7 million poor souls who depend on the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) shall find their benefits vanish into thin air! Arrr, 'tis a sad tale indeed!"
September 26, 2023, 6:44 pm
Avast ye! Come Wednesday's eve, Florida's mighty Governor Ron DeSantis be takin' the grand stage at the second GOP presidential nomination brawl. Standin' by his side be none other than the fair maiden, former ambassador and ex-Governor of South Carolina, Nikki Haley, and the cunning biotech swashbuckler, Vivek Ramaswamy. This epic clash be happenin' at the hallowed grounds of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California, and ye shall bear witness through the magic of the televisual contraption!"
September 26, 2023, 6:42 pm
Arr! The fears of Mexico's mighty officials be growin' as they spy another U.S.-Mexico border closure on the horizon. The Juarez-El Paso border crossing be sufferin' a plaguin' o' 2,000 scallywags makin' illegal crossings each day! These officials dread the shadow of a shutdown, similar to Eagle Pass's fate last week. A thousand brave souls, mostly from Venezuela, be standin' in long queues at the border, awaitin' their surrender to Border Patrol agents on the El Paso side.
September 25, 2023, 1:32 am
Arrr! Avast ye! The 120,000 landlubber Armenians of Nagorno-Karabakh be settin' sail for Armenia, aye! They be fearin' the dreaded ethnic cleansing by the scoundrels of Azerbaijan and want no part of 'em, says the leaders of this rebellious land. Armenia's cap'n even confirmed this, reckonin' they be ready to welcome 'em aboard. This tale be stemmin' from a right thrashin' they took from Azerbaijan, a conflict datin' back to the fall of the Soviet Union, arrr!
September 24, 2023, 5:26 pm
Fear not, me hearties! Yer monthly booty from the Social Security treasure be safe from the clutches of the looming federal government mutiny. 'Tis good news for ye old seadogs who, like the rest of us, can't make head nor tail of the difference between the U.S. government runnin' out o' doubloons and a crew walkin' the plank due to a failed budget. We faced the first crisis earlier this year, ye may remember, but it ended up bein' nary more than...
September 24, 2023, 5:25 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in power be squabblin' like a bunch of barnacles over keepin' the government runnin'. And we poor souls are caught in the crossfire, worryin' about our monthly booty from the feds. If they don't sort it out soon, there be a shutdown on the horizon. Pray for fair winds, me hearties!
September 24, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arr, the hourglass be running thin for House Speaker Kevin McCarthy to unearth a truce and steer clear of a ruinous shutdown. The shadow of a shutdown looms over the federal government, set to commence on the first of October should no resolution be met. This be raisin' queries among Social Security recipients, concernin' the toll on their monthly booty. Experts claim there be both fair winds and foul for the 66 million Americans reliant on Social Security. Might a..."
September 22, 2023, 6:11 pm
Avast, me hearties! Cap'n Joe Biden be declarin' the launch of the Executive Office of Gun Violence Prevention. He be swearin' to centralize, accelerate, an' intensify his push for gun control. Aye, he be assignin' Vice Cap'n Kamala Harris to be keepin' a watchful eye on the office. The Washington Post report be tellin' us that the White House, the Community Justice Action Fund, an' Everytown for Gun Safety be coordinatin' their efforts. Arr, buckle up, ye scurvy dogs!
September 22, 2023, 6:10 pm
Avast ye scallywags! San Francisco be cursed wit' a treacherous plague o' drugs, breakin' all records fer the most fatal overdoses in a single moon. In August alone, thar be 84 souls lost to the depths, aye, near five deaths every pair o' suns. Arr, methinks this be a dire situation, surpassin' even January's tally o' 83 poor souls. That cursed Fentanyl be claimin' 66 lives, makin' it the black-hearted villain behind this tragedy.
September 22, 2023, 6:08 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Russell Brand be lamentin' this here cursed week o' woe, as he be accused o' rape and assault. In a video posted on the interwebs, he be thankin' his loyal crew fer standin' by 'im and doubtin' the claims brought afore 'em. 'Tis the first we be hearin' from 'im since the Sunday Times and Channel 4's Dispatches unleashed their accusations. Brand be denyin' 'em, swearin' on his pirate's honor. Aye, a joint investigation by the Sunday Times...
September 22, 2023, 6:06 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Speaker Kevin McCarthy, a landlubber from Cali, hath declared on Friday that he'll be strippin' the loot meant for Ukraine out of a Pentagon bill. All 'cause Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, a lass from Georgia, be blockin' the law like a true swashbuckler. McCarthy be sayin' he'll be holdin' a separate vote for the $300 million booty, arrr! "Avast!" McCarthy cried, "Tis be sailed on its own, says I!" when asked 'bout the aid for Ukraine in the...
September 21, 2023, 6:47 pm
Avast, me hearties! The scurvy dog David Brooks, a scrawny scribbler of the New York Times, thought he be sharin' some musings on the price of his grub. But alas, the landlubber was left red-faced when the X (a fancy name for Twitter) community mocked him heartily. The bilge rat posted a snap of his feast – a burger, salty fries, and a mysterious swill – from the Newark port, all while complainin' 'bout the extortionate price. Arrr, what a tale of woe!
September 21, 2023, 6:37 pm
Arrr! Avast ye mateys! The U.S. be grantin' Ukraine a jolly good sum o' $325 million in military aid! Cap'n Joe Biden announced this fine news whilst meetin' with Cap'n Volodymyr Zelenskyy. This treasure be includin' air defense gear, cluster munitions, anti-tank weapons, and other fine weaponry. 'Tis a fine day indeed!
September 21, 2023, 6:35 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On this fine day, House Republican leaders be sendin' the chamber into recess, crushin' our hopes of fundin' the government in the days to come. 'Tis a shameful defeat for Speaker Kevin McCarthy, a lad from California who be desperately tryin' to bring his rebellious crew of Republicans together to prevent a grand shutdown at month's end. Aye, earlier today, the House failed to pass a measure that would have set the rules for debate on a bill to fund the noble Pentagon. What a blunder!
September 21, 2023, 6:33 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! In the merry month o' April in the year 2020, whilst Europe be locked away like cowardly landlubbers, a mighty plane did descend upon the shores o' the Serbian capital. From the land of the People’s Republic of China it came, bearin' a timely gift. 'Twas none other than the Fire-Eye, a grand invention from the Orient, a portable lab with the power to detect the cursed coronavirus from its minuscule genetic remnants. Arr! But that be not all, me hearties! The Fire-Eye proved itself a true master o' mischief, fer it excelled not only at decipherin' viral genetic codes, but also at...
September 20, 2023, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! A grand news befall us! The Defense Department be announcin' a splendid initiative on this fine Wednesday, the twelfth anniversary o' the repeal of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. 'Tis a chance for thousands o' LGBTQ+ veterans, who were unjustly given the boot for their bloomin' sexuality, to have their honor restored! Aye, afore the repeal, many a queer matey were forced out o' the military with naught but dishonorable conditions. But now, justice shall prevail!
September 20, 2023, 11:48 am
Arrr, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy be facin' a mighty conundrum, me hearties! Tryin' to please a bunch o' scurvy holdout Republicans be harder than findin' buried treasure. Time be runnin' out, and the GOP-controlled chamber be stuck like a ship in doldrums, arguin' over a simple bill. Aye, Tuesday's vote be delayed by a handful o' rebellious GOP landlubbers...
September 20, 2023, 11:44 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The ol' Senate be fixin' to ponder upon two Republican swabbies fer the Federal Trade Commission. These two legal scholars have a fancy fer doubting the Big Tech! Melissa Holyoak and Andrew Ferguson be settin' sail afore the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation on Wednesday, where they'll be grilled 'bout their past endeavors and future voyages fer the FTC. They be replacin' the ole Republican commissioners, Christine Wilson and Noah...
September 20, 2023, 10:24 am
Arrr, the swashbucklin' Republicans in charge of the U.S. House be failin' to move forward two spendin' bills on a dreary Tuesday. The scurvy dogs be squabblin' amongst themselves, puttin' the government's treasure in peril and riskin' a mighty shutdown. The House be votin' 214-212 against a measure to discuss a $886 billion booty for the defense, with five stubborn Republican scallywags joinin' forces with the Democrats to oppose their own mates. In the meantime,..."
September 19, 2023, 5:56 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! 'Tis been revealed by The Washington Post that a bunch o' Western electric vehicle (EV) makers be havin' ties to a part o' China where slave labor be rampant. Ford, Volkswagen, and Tesla, me hearties, all be havin' connections to Xinjiang Province, where them Chinese Communists be holdin' Uyghur Muslims captive, treatin' 'em worse than barnacles on a ship's hull! The State Department even called it "genocide" in 2021, ye scurvy dogs! But mind ye, not all labor in Xinjiang be involved in such atrocities...
September 19, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The landlubbers of the Minneapolis Police Department be droppin' like flies since that fateful day when George Floyd met his untimely end in their custody. The force be sufferin' a terrible crisis, I tell ye! With a measly crew o' just 585 sworn officers, the city's police force be at its feeblest in at least four decades, as reported by the Star Tribune. 'Tis a sad state o' affairs, indeed! This fair city now boasts one o' the puniest ratios o' officers to residents among the 22 cities analyzed by the outlet. A mere 1.4 officers be guardin' every 1,000 souls! 'Tis a disgrace, I say!
September 19, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arr, me hearties! There be grim tidings for the fine land of the United States. The construction of new homes hath plummeted in August, reaching depths not seen since the cursed year of 2020. 'Tis a clear sign of the treacherous waters the housing market be sailin' through. According to the latest reports from the Commerce Department, housing starts be fallin' by a mighty 11.3% last month. A measly 1.28 million units be built, a far cry from the grand expectations of them Refinitiv economists, who foolishly predicted a pace of 1.44 million units. But fear not, me hearties! There be a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Applications to build, which be a measure of future construction, did see a slight surge in August. Like a gust of wind fillin' our sails, they rose a respectable 6.9% over the month. So, let us buckle our swashes and hold onto our doubloons as we navigate the wild seas of the housing market, for there be challenges aplenty, but also a chance for fortunes to be made!
September 19, 2023, 5:49 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! This week's reckonin' with the Federal Reserve be more 'bout what those land lubbers be plannin' for the future than what they be doin' presently. Aye, there be slim pickin's for the U.S. central bank to be raisin' its fancy borrowin' rate. The odds be as scarce as a mermaid's tooth, with only a measly 1% chance, says CME Group. But fear not, me hearties, for this week's meetin', endin' on Wednesday, shall reveal the Fed's quarterly update on...
September 19, 2023, 5:53 am
Arr, Norfolk Southern be spoutin' words 'bout their plan to cough up some shiny booty for them East Palestine folk, whose homes lost value 'cause of the fiery derangement that rocked the town. Aye, some be wantin' to flee the scurvy place 'cause o' health fears, but others reckon the railroad should be doin' more to mend those ailments.
September 18, 2023, 5:59 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The blasted U.S. national debt be reachin' a hefty sum o' $33 trillion! Aye, ye heard right, me hearties! The government be spendin' like a drunken sailor, and now they be in hot water. Back in the day, a mere four decades past, the debt be a measly $907 billion. Methinks the United States be sailin' towards treacherous waters.
September 18, 2023, 5:57 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a tale of treachery and thievery on the high seas of politics! Special counsel David Weiss be makin' the IRS walk the plank and remove a top agent from the Hunter Biden tax fraud investigation, all 'cause he be claimin' the case was bein' mishandled! But fear not, for our brave matey Gary Shapley be blowin' the whistle and revealin' the truth! Arrr, it seems Mr. Weiss be tryin' to keelhaul Shapley from the case after a mighty clash on Oct. 7, 2022. Let justice be served, me hearties!
September 18, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arrr! A scurvy GOP buccaneer, who hath afore supported the shipshape gubernatorial sail of the Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis o' Florida, be now claimin' that he will not be fundin' DeSantis' presidential voyage, as per a report from CNBC. Ken Griffin, the founder and Cap'n o' Citadel LLC, boastin' a personal net worth o' $35.4 billion, hath a lengthy history o' donatin' to Republican privateers. In the 2022 midterm elections alone, he hath given over $71 million doubloons to federal candidates. Griffin be now sayin' that he hath no plans to...
September 17, 2023, 5:01 pm
Avast, mateys! 'Tis been said that Russell Brand, that scallywag of a comedian, be accused of the darkest deeds. Tales of rape, sexual assaults, and emotional abuse be told, stretching across seven long years. A group of four brave lasses, one but a mere lass of 16, be stepping forward to share their harrowing experiences. Channel 4 Dispatches and The Sunday Times be unearthing these allegations, while Brand, a 48-year-old buccaneer in the midst of a UK voyage, be denying these serious criminal accusations with all his might!
September 17, 2023, 5:00 pm
Arr, ye scurvy scallywags be claimin' that British jester Russell Brand be havin' committed heinous crimes! Four fair maidens be accusin' him o' sexual assaults, even rapin' 'em, durin' his days of grandeur. But Brand, bein' 48 years old and havin' been married to the fair Katy Perry, be shoutin' from the crow's nest, denyin' all these "very serious criminal allegations." The Sunday Times, however, be keepin' mum on whether any o' these lasses be tellin' the truth.
September 17, 2023, 4:59 pm
Arr, me hearties! The scurrilous scallywags be claimin' that British jester and actor Russell Brand be guilty of a despicable act o' sexual assault. But fear not, for Brand be firmly denyin' these accusations! He be takin' to his social media to proclaim that all his encounters be consensual. The lad be receivin' dreadful messages from a TV company and a newspaper, totin' a long list o' heinous and...
September 17, 2023, 5:23 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ken Paxton, the Texas Attorney General, be walkin' the plank of impeachment! But fear not, for he be cleared of all charges by the Texas State Senate. It be said he granted favors to his generous donors, meddled in federal affairs, and punished those who dared to blow the whistle. The scallywags even presented new evidence, like a forged Uber account, t' tarnish his reputation! Ahoy, what a tale it be!
September 17, 2023, 5:21 am
Arrr! The Texas crew decided to let that scallywag attorney general Ken Paxton off the hook! They be votin' to acquit 'im on 16 counts of impeachment. If he'd been found guilty, he'd have been tossed from his post and banned from holdin' any public office in Texas. After a long eight-hour secret powwow, 30 senators, 19 of 'em bein' Republicans, made their decision.
September 17, 2023, 5:20 am
Arr! The goodly Texan Attorney General, Ken Paxton, hath been declared innocent o' corruption charges in a grand impeachment trial! Aye, it be a triumph for the mighty GOP and a slap in the face for them who dare to challenge the power of the hard right. Though the man be under FBI scrutiny, he's back in office, showin' his resilience in the great red state. This be a sweet victory indeed for the...
September 17, 2023, 3:46 am
Arr, Haruna Manneh trembles at the recollection o' the treacherous voyage he embarked upon to reach this distant European outpost. Settin' sail in March from his kin's abode in Gambia, he ventured through West Africa and traversed the Sahara, until he crossed paths with Tunisia. There, he handed over a hefty sum o' 50,000 Gambian dalasi (£670) to unscrupulous smugglers, who ferried him upon a wee vessel across the Mediterranean, bound for the isle o' Lampedusa. "In Mali and Algeria, terror did grip me soul. At each port we arrived at, we toiled for coin by scrubbin' dishes and tidying abodes..."
September 16, 2023, 6:14 am
Arr, me hearties! The Senate Armed Services Committee be investigatin' the matter of Elon Musk, reckonin' not to extend his private Starlink satellite network to aid the Ukrainian attack on them Russian warships near the Crimean coast. Chairman Jack Reed be claimin' this be raisin' "serious national-security liability issues." The committee be diggin' deep into this matter, like a scurvy dog huntin' for treasure.
September 16, 2023, 6:14 am
A treacherous trio of Democratic seafarers dispatched a missive to the esteemed Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin on the morn of Friday, voicin' their anxieties o'er the tech magnate Elon Musk's potential meddling in the war o' Ukraine and, by extension, the foreign policies o' the United States. Arr, Musk himself admitted but a fortnight past that he denied the Ukrainian military the use of his famed Starlink satellite internet service whilst they sought to undertake an offensive maneuver in Crimea yesteryear. "These accusations...doth stir grave apprehensions regardin'..."
September 16, 2023, 6:14 am
Arr, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, a lady of the Democratic persuasion from the land of Mass., be summonin' a Senate inquiry into the misdeeds of that tech magnate Elon Musk. 'Tis said he be obstructin' a Ukrainian drone's noble quest to lay siege upon Russia's naval fleet in the Black Sea! We must delve into the depths of them contracts to unravel how he acquired such power, says Warren, a fine member of the Senate Armed Services Committee and its subcommittee on emerging threats and capabilities, as she parleyed with reporters on Capitol Hill.
September 16, 2023, 3:38 am
Avast ye scallywags! The audacious lass Rep. Lauren Boebert, amidst her puffin' and bellowin' of shanties, managed to sneak in a cheeky grope whilst watchin' the notorious "Beetlejuice". Blamin' her scandalous antics on her divorce, the scurvy dog was caught on tape! Ahoy!
September 16, 2023, 3:35 am
Arrr! Methinks President Joe Biden be facin' a rough sea when it comes to his re-election hopes. The voters be worryin' 'bout his age, the economy, and crime, says a poll from Reuters/Ipsos. Aye, this be openin' the door for that scallywag Donald Trump to reclaim the White House. In a hypothetical election in November 2024, the poll found Biden, 80 winters old, tied with Trump, 77, both gettin' 39% of the vote, and one in five...
September 16, 2023, 3:33 am
When Pauline Philippe discovered she be carryin' two wee scallywags in her belly, she be feelin' a glimmer o' joy. But alas, the lass couldn't contain her emotions and bawled afore the ultrasound matey. "Why be ye weepin'?" she recalls him askin'. Tryin' to lift her spirits, he adds, "Ye be expectin' twins, Preval and Aristide!" - namin' 'em after two former Haitian captains. But ye see, Haiti be still in a sorry state, bein' shook by a monstrous earthquake what took place in Port-au-Prince two years past, takin' the lives o' hundreds o' thousands...
September 16, 2023, 3:29 am
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy Washington Post scribe, David Ignatius, did send shockwaves through the media realm this week. He did beseech President Biden, urg'n him to flee from the 2024 race. Aye, the liberal news organizations, who once championed the old Democrat, be now sayin' the dam be breaking! Ignatius, even though he be a favorite of Biden, did lament that neither the President nor...
September 15, 2023, 5:58 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The House Judiciary Committee be sendin' a subpoena to that scallywag FBI agent, Elvis Chan, on Friday. The Department of Justice tried to keep him from spillin' the beans 'bout the bureau's shenanigans with the Hunter Biden laptop tale. Methinks there be some false statements and rumblings 'bout censorin' too. Yo-ho-ho and a subpoena to go!
September 15, 2023, 5:56 pm
Arr, 'tis a story as old as the seven seas! Foreign labor be arrivin', makin' honest workers walk the plank. They be beggin' the government for protection against them scurvy immigrants who be takin' their jobs. But this time, mateys, there be a twist: these workers be nothin' but metal and gears! The captains of South Korean robot-making companies be tellin' the Financial Times that these foreign robots be takin' their place in the ship. Avast!
September 15, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arr, mateys! The good ol' Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky be settin' sail to the shores of Washington once again, seekin' to strengthen the support of his loyal mateys who have been sendin' him treasures worth billions to fend off those pesky Russian invaders! He'll be arrivin' at the White House on Thursday to parley with Captain Joe Biden and even have a gabfest at the US Congress, where some of them rival Republican scallywags be feelin' a wee bit skeptical as Biden tries t' pull off a major...
September 15, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs from Beijing be launchin' a mighty weapon over thar South China Sea! It be travelin' faster than a ship caught in a hurricane, at a speed o' 15,000 miles an hour! By Davy Jones' locker, it be movin' 20 times the speed o' sound, reachin' any land on this here earth in less than an hour! The test flight in summer 2021 ended with a bang, as it struck near a target in China, leavin' them Washington folks in a tizzy. Them national security scallywags reckon it be a hypersonic weapon, capable o' sailin' at least five...
September 15, 2023, 11:51 am
Arr, me hearties! Young Jason Carter, the grandson of former President Jimmy Carter and his fair lady Rosalynn, be sayin' that despite their ailments, they be still tethered in love. "They be nearin' their final voyage, ye see," Jason, a lawyer and captain of the Carter Center's Board of Trustees, shared with USA TODAY. The Carter Center, the charity o' the former first couple, declared earlier this year that the former president be enterin' hospice care. Savvy?
September 15, 2023, 11:34 am
Arrr! TikTok, mateys, be settin' sail once more to parley with the landlubbers in the government! Will they let us keep pillagin' and plunderin' in the United States, or shall we be sent to Davy Jones' locker fer our connection to China? ByteDance and the Committee on Foreign Investment be meetin' at the Treasury Department to restart negotiations, but CFIUS seems to be havin' doubts, arrr!
September 15, 2023, 11:32 am
Arr, word be spreadin' that Walt Disney Co. be chattin' up Nexstar Media Group, ye biggest owner of telly stations in the land, 'bout sellin' their ABC broadcast network. No gold be mentioned yet, as talks be still in the early stages. Neither company be confirmin' the tale. "We be willin' to consider options for our businesses, but for now..."
September 15, 2023, 11:27 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The blokes at Chevron's two grog-infused liquified natural gas plants in Australia be raisin' the Jolly Roger and splicing the mainbrace, I tell ye! These lads, who filled a goodly 7% of the world's supply o' LNG last year, be takin' their strike to the next level, ye see. They be threatenin' to stop workin' altogether or cease their toil for hours on end afore a hearin' in front o' the tribunal. And to add insult to injury, a flaw in one o' the plants caused a 25% reduction in output on Wednesday. Aye, the price o' LNG be climbin' higher as these scallywags frolic on the high seas, and expert scalawags be warnin' o' even more chaos in the gas markets, mark me words...
September 14, 2023, 5:33 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! This here former Navy pilot, Ryan Graves, be speakin' out against a grand spectacle in Mexico. They claimed to have rare "alien corpses" on display, but I say 'tis naught but a gimmick, a mere unsubstantiated stunt! Arrr!
September 14, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been unearthed by a CBS investigation that them Mexican drug cartels be pilferin' a vast array o' highfalutin' weapons, even ones fit fer a grand battle, straight outta the good ol' U.S. o' A! They be havin' the aid o' these American landlubbers, ye see. Exclusively-obtained documents and chats with some blokes in charge reveal that our very own government be aware o' this villainy fer years, yet they be doin' next to nuthin' to put an end to these weapon-traffickin' scallywags within our borders. They be movin' 'bout a million o' 'em, says I...
September 14, 2023, 5:24 pm
In a parley on Thursday, former captain Donald Trump bein' a bit elusive, he wouldn't clarify if he be clutchin' a newspaper or a secret attack plan durin' a meeting at his New Jersey hideout, which now be a crucial evidence in his indictment for mishandlin' classified documents, Arrr!
September 14, 2023, 5:21 pm
When yer shipmates gather in the grand New York City fer the yearly High-Level Week o' the United Nations General Assembly in the week o' Sept. 18, two matters will rule their minds. One be the mighty Russia's war in Ukraine. The other be the state o' international development. Methinks there be bound t'be some uneasy exchanges betwixt Western and non-Western officials concernin' the worth o' these matters. African, Asian and Latin American diplomats be none too pleased with the amount o' time...
September 14, 2023, 10:11 am
"Avast ye scurvy dogs! The former Cap'n Donald Trump don't reckon that Cap'n Joe Biden be too old for his 2024 voyage, but rather his pea-brained nature! The likes of Crooked Joe be too INCOMPETENT for the task, arrr! Aye, a dilemma be upon us, as even the ol' Mitch McConnell be questionin' his own capability to sail these treacherous political waters!"
September 14, 2023, 10:07 am
Avast, me hearties! Whilst chattin' with the lass Megyn Kelly, I be tellin' ye that ol' Biden's age be a mere trifle! A poll claims 77% of Americans believe him to be too ancient to rule the land, but I say nay! I have maties, me shipmates, who be in their 80s and still sailin' strong!
September 14, 2023, 10:05 am
"Avast, ye scallywags! Cap'n Trump be scoffin' at the notion that ol' Cap'n Biden, at a ripe 80 years, be too aged to seek reelection come 2024. Trump, me hearties, be claimin' Biden be more than aged but rather inept! In an interview with fair lass Megyn Kelly, the Cap'n himself, only 77, calls Biden a blundering fool! Arr, Biden, if he be winnin' a second term, would be sailin' the treacherous seas of presidency at a hearty 86! Watch the full tale unfold, where Trump proclaims, 'I have mates who've sailed through their 80s. I...'"
September 14, 2023, 9:23 am
Arr, matey! 'Tis said that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be sailin' to the heart of Silicon Valley on Monday to parlay with X owner Elon Musk. They aim to quell the stormy seas of antisemitism plaguin' the troubled social media platform. This be part of a larger mission by Musk's Jewish comrades to fend off the risin' tempest.
September 13, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arr, word be spreadin' 'bout a fancy FBI swashbuckler, Agent Sobocinski, who be sailin' on the Hunter Biden case. During a secret gabfest with the House Judiciary Committee, the scallywag gave confusin' answers 'bout whether that Delaware lawman, David Weiss, could grab the president's son no matter where he be. This tale got even more interestin' when a leaked scribble of his talkin' seemed to show that Sobocinski denied a crucial part of the tale... Arr, the plot thickens!
September 13, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr! The White House be cryin' out to the scribes, beggin' fer help in wardin' off the House's impeachment inquiry against Cap'n Joe Biden. Ian Sams, a matey from the White House, sent a memo to the editors, demandin' the press to set their sights on them scurvy House Republicans for startin' this inquiry on a bed of lies. The memo claims them Republicans couldn't find a trace of evidence 'gainst our noble President...
September 13, 2023, 5:45 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Biden crew be havin' the nerve to scold New York City for havin' no plan for them asylum seekers, yet they themselves ain't got a clue on how to deal with the flood of migrants! Arrr, it be a fine example of the pot callin' the kettle black!
September 13, 2023, 5:43 pm
Avast ye! A brace of alien "bodies" were put on display in Mexico's Congress on Tuesday, as part of the nation's inaugural rummage on unidentified aerial phenomena (UAPs). Me hearty, Jaime Maussan, a UFO enthusiast, brought forth these curios from Peru in 2017. He declares that carbon dating pegs 'em at a ripe old age between 700 and 1,800 years. Arrr, this be the very first occasion where extraterrestrial life be shown in such a fashion! Methinks there be naught but evidence that we be contending with creatures not of this world...
September 12, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arr, as the vast sea of New York be tryin' to digest the scallywags who've swarmed the state like a swarm o' locusts, many landlubbers be cryin' for a wall down south. Aye, more than four in ten New Yorkers be claimin' their support for a mighty border wall stretchin' across the entire southern boundary, says a Siena College Poll. Even in the heart of the city, 38% of city dwellers be yearnin' for a grand wall.
September 12, 2023, 5:34 pm
Arr, me hearties! It be confirmed – the iPhone 15 be settin' sail 'fore long. Apple, the fine ship, unveiled four new models o' the iPhone 15 on Tuesday. They spilled the beans on the fancy features and hefty price tags at their live "Wonderlust" event. Come September 22, ye landlubbers can get yer hands on the iPhone 15, iPhone 15 Plus, iPhone 15 Pro, and iPhone 15 Pro Max. But fear not, ye scallywags! The company be takin' pre-orders for these gadgets on Friday.
September 12, 2023, 5:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! It be true, Mexico be takin' the crown as America's grandest tradin' matey, leavin' China in its wake. The scallywags be sayin' that the US be wantin' to import goods from closer shores, to keep them horns swagglin' rivals at bay, ye see. Bloomberg be sayin' that Mexico be sendin' 15% o' the loot in July, while China be claimin' a measly 14.6%. But mark me words, me mateys, them Chinese shipments be sinkin' faster than a leaky dinghy in a storm, droppin' by a mighty 14.5%. Aye, these be precarious times indeed!
September 12, 2023, 5:19 pm
Arr, mateys! On Tuesday, Google be arguin' that the landlubber U.S. be mistaken in claimin' the search and advertisin' giant be breakin' the law to keep its booty in the sea o' markets. They be claimin' their search engine be so popular 'cause it be o' great quality, and any scallywag not satisfied could jump ship with a few easy clicks. The Justice Department be accusin' Alphabet's Google o' payin' a mighty sum o' $10 billion each year to device makers like Apple, wireless companies like AT&T, and browser makers like Mozilla to hold onto their search...
September 12, 2023, 11:53 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a scorcher of a year in El Paso, with a blisterin' 69 days sailin' above 100 degrees. But alas, 'tis also a treacherous time for our migrant brethren, as 58 souls have been claimed by the merciless heat since October. The majority of these tragic losses occur in the desert just west of El Paso, in Southern New...
September 12, 2023, 11:49 am
Almost a year hence, mateys be riotin' in Iran like a tempest on the open seas! Cap'n Ebrahim Raisi, the country's chief scallywag, stands by his crew's response and warns any scurvy dogs aimin' to stir up trouble will walk the plank! In an interview with NBC News, he blames the Yankee dogs for fannin' the flames of rebellion. Arrrr!
September 12, 2023, 11:41 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the Biden crew be thinkin' of keepin' some migrant families near the Texan borders, like landlubbers awaitin' their asylum screening. This be resemblin' the moves of President Reagan back in the 80s! But mark me words, mateys, the immigrant rights scallywags and them border-state officials be ready to put up a fight, arr!
September 12, 2023, 11:22 am
Arr, me hearties! House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) be sayin' he be settin' sail on a grand voyage to open a formal impeachment inquiry into President Biden. The scallywag be claimin' it be based on the House GOP's investigations of his family's foreign business dealings and the prosecution of his son, Hunter Biden. "Today, I be directin' our House committees to embark on this formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden," declared McCarthy. He be entrustin' the leadership of this venture to House Oversight and Accountability Committee Chairman James Comer (R-Ky.) in...
September 11, 2023, 5:56 pm
Arrr, there be scuttlebutt that the tussle o' removin' Cap'n Trump from the 2024 ballot might reach the Supreme Court, as the court watchers reckon. They be wonderin' how them justices might pass judgment should they get tangled in this political squabble. Aye, there be lawsuits sproutin' up claimin' that Mr. Trump shouldn't be allowed on the ballot. Such a case would surely catch the attention of the high court, particularly if Mr. Trump's foes rightly oust him from the ballot usin' Section 3 of the 14th.
September 11, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arrr, mateys! Aye, ye landlubbers won't believe what we've found! A mighty stash o' lithium be hidin' along the Nevada-Oregon border, mayhaps one o' th' biggest in th' whole wide world! This be a game-changer fer them fancy electric vessels. Th' volcano folks and geologists from Lithium Americas Corporation, GNS Science, and Oregon State University shared their tales in a paper fer Science Advances, published on August 31. Yo ho ho!"
September 11, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Word has reached me ears that New York City Mayor Eric Adams be trimmin' the budget by a hefty sum o' gold due to the masses o' migrants pourin' into our fair city. Come November, all city agencies be needin' to cut their spendin' by 5%, and by next spring, a grand 15%! No poor souls be losin' their jobs, but there be talk o' a freeze on hirin'. These be the deepest cuts we've seen in years, addin' up to a fortune in doubloons that could..."
September 11, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arr, President Joe Biden be puttin' forth efforts to stop the flow of valuable U.S. technologies to China, but some scallywags in Congress reckon he be not doin' enough! Wisconsin Rep. Mike Gallagher, the Republican captain of the House Select Committee on the Chinese Communist Party, be claimin' on Monday that he be havin' no faith in the Treasury Department's ability to be bold in restrictin' U.S. investment in Chinese companies workin' on advanced military doodads...
September 11, 2023, 4:55 am
Arrr! A band o' commie scallywags be settin' fire to Yank flags outside a Jason Aldean shindig in Chicago. These landlubbers be part o' RevCom, aimin' to stir up some Marxist chaos in the States, callin' it the "belly of the beast." But the coppers be havin' none o' it, declarin' their shenanigans unlawful and sayin' their antics be scarin' the people!
September 11, 2023, 4:48 am
Arrr, in the Pacific port of Russia, me hearties be eagerly awaitin' the arrival of the fearsome North Korean captain, Kim Jong Un. The scurvy dogs of the United States be dreadin' the thought of weapons bein' supplied to Russia's military in Ukraine. But whether this be true or not, no one be knowin' for sure. The New York Times and the intelligence agency of South Korea claim it be possible, but the silent lips of North Korea and Russia be tellin' a different tale. The Kremlin be sayin' they be havin' nothin' to say about it... for now.
September 11, 2023, 4:42 am
Avast ye hearties! Novak Djokovic be facin' quite a stormy sea in the beginnin' o' his summer. Not only was he bested by Carlos Alcaraz in the Wimbledon final, but he was also outmanned and outlasted. Aye, at 36 years old, a fearsome rival be on the horizon. Yet, Djokovic's legendary status be forged by his mettle to bounce back mightier from defeat. Come Sunday evenin' in the final o' the US Open, his answer be as certain as the tides, aye, and as resolute as a captain commandin' his ship...
September 10, 2023, 8:56 am
Arrr, the land o' Ukraine be mighty displeased with the paltry parchment churned out from the G20 Leaders' Summit. That feeble document failed to brand Russia as a scurvy aggressor in the war, yet had the audacity to forbid the use of nukes! The likes o' President Joe Biden and the crafty Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, standin' for that mischievous Vladimir Putin, convened in New Delhi under the watchful eye of Indian Prime Minister...
September 9, 2023, 3:49 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! The Department of Justice hath begrudgingly granted permission for two FBI agents to stand afore the mighty House Judiciary Committee! Aye, they be summoned by the committee to be questioned in secret about their pursuit of Hunter Biden. One of these agents, Thomas Sobocinski, did parley with Chairman Jim Jordan and the committee crew on Thursday, accompanied by the counsel of the department and the committee scallywags...
September 9, 2023, 3:39 am
Arr, the portrait, displayed in numerous scrolls, be etched in the minds of Rhode Island Democrats: White House hand Gabe Amo alongside Joe Biden, in the Oval Office. As the early balloting concluded, me hearties in the 1st Congressional District witnessed yet another powerful image: Amo and Patrick Kennedy, their former congressman, who forewarned that scallywag Aaron Regenburg, backed by the likes of Bernie Sanders, be endangerin' the state's defense economy. "We be needin' someone who comprehends the inner workings of the capital," quoth Kennedy. Come Tuesday, Amo...
September 9, 2023, 3:34 am
Arr, me hearties! Last Friday's Washington Week with The Atlantic on PBS could've been broadcast in a bygone year, when the press still be believin' that President Joe Biden be spry, sharp, and up to the task. But why, I wonder, does no soul mention Donald Trump's age as a disqualification? Politico's Kyle Cheney, when asked, blamed the "long years of Republican schemin'..."
September 9, 2023, 3:32 am
Whilst I be readyin' fer a work parley, I be hearin' the telltale sounds o' a 'elicopter overhead. I say "telltale" because me neighborhood be gettin' many a different type o' 'elicopter traffic, each with its own sonic profile and emotional swash — TV news choppers makin' wide circles in the heavens, snatchin' images o' a mishap or calamity on a local freeway, which gives ye a simple, selfish feelin': Thank the stars I be not on that blasted freeway!; a Life Flight 'elicopter screechin' o'er the rooftops toward Oakland Children...
September 7, 2023, 11:30 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Mayor Eric Adams be raisin' the Jolly Roger, warnin' that this ragin' migrant crisis be a threat to our fair city o' New York! He be tearin' into President Biden, claimin' the White House be givin' us no support for all them asylum seekers arrivin' each month. Avast! He be sayin', "I've never seen a problem I couldn't solve, but I see no end to this one!" This cursed issue be a danger to us all...
September 7, 2023, 10:31 am
Arr! Thar be thousands o' Black, Latino, and other minority scallywags scramblin' to show that their race puts 'em at a "social disadvantage"! A fed'ral judge be claimin' a vital part o' the Small Business Administration's (SBA) program be unconstitutional, joinin' the U.S. Supreme Court's recent retreat from affirmative action. Get a fine selection o' 10 o' our best tales in yer inbox every weekend. The SBA's 8(a) Business Development program was meant to open a pipeline to...
September 7, 2023, 10:27 am
Arr, me hearties! "Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam," be the code we pirates live by! 'Tis like sayin', "All ye scurvy dogs and landlubbers be part of one jolly crew!" We sail the seas, unitin' all ye nations, speakin' all tongues, and embracin' all beliefs. Aye, we be makin' progress as a universal crew, boundin' together to protect our precious Earth. Together, as a family, we chart our course to a shared destiny! Yo ho ho!
September 7, 2023, 10:18 am
"Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! Aft'r winnin' a grand victory in th' Supreme Court an' bein' reinstated to his football coachin' post, Joe Kennedy be now sendin' a missive o' resignation to th' Bremerton School District in th' land o' Washington. We be learnin' o' grievous accusations o' vengeance against th' coach by th' scurvy dogs at Bremerton. They be tryin' their utmost to make him feel..."
September 6, 2023, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Goldman Sachs be sayin' that the good ol' U.S. economy be havin' a better chance o' escapin' a recession next year than we thought! They be lowerin' the chances from 20% to 15%, thanks to the coins flowin' in and a strong job market. Looks like we be sailin' smooth seas, mates!
September 6, 2023, 5:38 pm
Avast, me hearties! In a grand tale told at a New Hampshire town hall, the ex-Vice-President Mike Pence did bellow, callin' upon the Republican crew to cease their embrace of populism and instead embrace the good ol' conservatism of the legendary Ronald Reagan. Arrr, will they choose wisely, me mateys? Only time will tell.
September 6, 2023, 5:36 pm
Arrr, the good Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) be makin' an announcement! He be choosin' one o' the fine co-founders of the conservative activist group Moms for Liberty to join the Florida Commission on Ethics. Aye, Tina Descovich and attorney Luis Fuste be given this honor on a Wednesday. This be happenin' after the chairman decided to keep his post, overseein' the Central Florida Tourism. Descovich be sayin'..."
September 6, 2023, 5:34 pm
Avast, ye scurvy landlubbin' judge! By the decree of a federal judge in Texas, the state be forced to haul away them pesky buoys in the Rio Grande, which they set up to thwart the fearless migrants sailin' across. The lawsuit, brought afore by the Biden administration, claims Texas had no right to meddle in them federal waterways. Arr, Governor Greg Abbott be sayin' he ain't seekin' permission for Operation Lone Star, the grand plan to shiver me timbers and keep immigrants at bay.
September 4, 2023, 2:08 pm
Arr, matey! The scallywag Ken Paxton, a Texas attorney general accused of misusin' his powers to aid a generous mate, be facin' a trial in the state Senate on Tuesday. This firebrand conservative, who's been sailin' with our old cap'n Donald Trump, has been suspended from his duties ever since the GOP-led House gave him the ol' heave-ho in May. This tale began back in 2015...
September 4, 2023, 2:07 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The grand trial be upon us, and Attorney General Ken Paxton be walkin' the plank! But mark ye well, me hearties, this be no ordinary affair. The consequences be vast, stretchin' beyond the embattled Republican. From Gov. Greg Abbott to Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick and House Speaker Dade Phelan, all yer favorite Texas' Republican leaders be havin' their political booty at stake! Brace yerselves for a ruckus that'll rock the state's politics like a mighty tempest, with aftershocks that could...
September 4, 2023, 2:05 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags in Texas, who call themselves Republicans, be quarrelin' like a bunch o' landlubbers over the impeachment of their very own Attorney General, Ken Paxton. The trial be settin' sail on Tuesday, as reported by The New York Times. Paxton, a seasoned matey in his third term, was marooned by the Texas House of Representatives on May 27, with a bipartisan vote of 20 counts, all accusin' him of misconduct whilst holdin' office. Paxton be walkin' the plank and suspended from his duties until the trial be finished. His scurvy crew and him be takin' to the high seas with their attack publications...
September 4, 2023, 12:17 pm
Arr matey! Kenya's captain be startin' Africa's first climate summit, beggin' ye scallywags to spy out fortunes in solvin' environmental troubles instead o' whinin' 'bout them landlubber nations pollutin' the skies. Captain William Ruto, who led the three-day affair in Nairobi, be hopin' this summit changes the talk from "polluters versus victims" to...
September 4, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye! U.S. Sen. John Cornyn be not shy 'bout his desire to be holdin' the helm as Senate Republican leader. The old salt from Texas, havin' been McConnell's right-hand mate for ages, be lookin' to make his move. With McConnell's health troubles causin' doubt, many be wonderin' what be next fer Cornyn. Yet, he swears to stand by his cap'n and hail him as a truly mighty leader, havin' done wonders durin' the 2021 Texas voyage. Arr!
September 4, 2023, 11:42 am
Avast ye landlubbers! President Biden did jest upon the former Commander in Chief, Donald Trump, likenin' him to a grand developer of land and yet, the scallywag built nothin' of worth! Our noble president, in turn, proclaimed himself as the mighty monarch of infrastructure. Arrr, what a jolly tale!
September 4, 2023, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' that these cunning Chinese scallywags, disguised as mere landlubber tourists, have managed to infiltrate our mighty military bases and other precious sites in the New World! 'Tis said they've done it near a hundred times, aye! Aye, our brave officials warn us, this be a dire threat of espionage, shiver me timbers!
September 4, 2023, 11:37 am
Avast ye! Wit' televisual adverts, missives in text, mail direct an' billboards aplenty, the backers of the beleaguered Texas attorney general, Ken Paxton, have set sail on a grand campaign o' political pressure. Backed by scallywags of the hard-right persuasion, their aim be to try 'n sway the outcome o' Mr. Paxton's imminent trial for impeachment, arrr!
September 3, 2023, 3:59 pm
Spain's top court o' sport law be reckonin' that President Luis Rubiales' smoochin' with Jenni Hermoso be not a scurvy "very grave" offense under Spanish law. By only investigatin' him for a "grave" breach, the court made it impossible for the government agency to take further action, arrr.
September 3, 2023, 3:55 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A Spanish court be haulin' Spanish Football Federation cap'n Luis Rubiales to trial for plantin' a smooch on a lassie at the World Cup final. But alas, the court deems the offense merely "serious" instead of "very serious." The government be left hangin' without the power to keelhaul Rubiales straight away!
September 3, 2023, 3:53 pm
Arr, the Spanish crown be dealt a blow in its tussle against Luis Rubiales, the beleaguered captain of the Royal Spanish Football Federation. The government be unable to hoist Rubiales from his post for lockin' lips with Jenni Hermoso after the World Cup. The court be sayin' the charges ain't "too serious," but we reckon they be more treacherous than a sea full of scurvy!
September 3, 2023, 10:37 am
Arrr, mateys! A scurvy landlubber called Gov. Ron DeSantis be supportin' a Florida redistrictin' plan that be unconstitutional! A wise judge named J. Lee Marsh declared that this plan be takin' away the power o' Black voters to elect their chosen candidates, especially up north. Marsh be orderin' the state to make a fresh map for congressional elections, but I reckon DeSantis' crew be appealin' this decision, mark me words!
September 3, 2023, 10:35 am
Arr, ye scurvy knave DeSantis hath been bested by the might o' the law! The judge be sayin' his map be as worthless as a broken compass. Now the landlubbers in the legislature must chart a new course for them boundaries, or else face the wrath o' the court!
September 3, 2023, 10:34 am
Arr! This Florida redistrictin' plan, me hearties, be a clear violation of our beloved state constitution! Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis be walkin' the plank for tryin' to deny our Black voters in north Florida their rightful voice in Congress! Judge J. Lee Marsh be sendin' this sorry plan back to the Florida Legislature, warnin' 'em to draw a new map that obeys the law, or face the wrath of Davy Jones' locker!
September 3, 2023, 9:14 am
Arrrgh! Avast ye scallywags! This November, thar most successful and feisty communists of rock shall be inducted, six years aft they becometh eligible, to thar Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Rage Against the Machine, a band that kicked thar doors down on thar 1990s with a then-novel mix of brutally heavy guitars and hip-hop vocals, also blended in unlikely tandem two other disparate traditions of American life. The first, obviously, be rock music: thar rhythmically buoyant and harmonically uncomplicated sound of post–World...
September 2, 2023, 12:15 pm
Avast ye hearties! The Ohio coppers be sharin' footage from their magical bodycams, revealin' a tragic tale of a buccaneer officer takin' aim at a preggers lass with a pair o' wee ones. The scallywag suspect, caught stealin' booty, refused to surrender her vessel and be drivin' straight at him. The video shows the officers shoutin' "Get out of the car!" like a bunch o' parrots on repeat. When the lass asked why she be ordered to abandon her ship, all while parked in a spot reserved for the cripples, she...
September 2, 2023, 12:08 pm
Avast, me hearties! In the land of Ohio, the scallywag police be showin' off their fancy bodycam footage. A sad tale it be, for a lass named Ta'Kiya Young, with child in her belly, be shot dead by an officer. Aye, the coves claim she be thievin' from a Kroger store. The video be revealin' a moment when the officer be firin' his pistol straight at her, while she be headin' towards him in her carriage. Aye, the video..."
September 2, 2023, 12:06 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! A fresh loot of camera footage be showin' a lawman takin' aim through a cursed windshield 'pon a poor lass's car. The wench be accused o' pilferin' at a nearby market, aye! Alas, this tragic tale ends with her bein' sent to Davy Jones' locker, and her kin cryin' foul play at this heinous abuse o' power. The moving pictures reveal a Blendon Township pirate sailin' towards the lass's side o' the ship...
September 2, 2023, 3:22 am
Arr, me hearties! After two years of dread tales 'bout the supposed mass graves o' Indigenous young'uns at land-based schools across Canada, a string o' recent diggin' at suspected spots be yieldin' no human remains. Some scholars and scallywags reckon this be more proof that the tales be unfounded. The Minegoziibe Anishinabe, a crew o' indigenous folk known as Pine Creek First Nation, burrowed into 14 spots in the dark depths o' Our Lady of Seven Sorrows Catholic Church, near the Pine...
September 2, 2023, 3:20 am
Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis a wee bit awkward confessin' ye be a fan o' Country music whilst dwellin' in London like a landlubber journalist. 'Tis seen as music fer them rednecks, someone asked me recently, quite flabbergasted. Just as prejudiced be the uproar o'er Oliver Anthony and his ditty "Rich Men North of Richmond". Fer it be a rare contradiction, lashin' out at both the highfalutin elite and the lazy scallywags alike... Arr!
September 2, 2023, 3:17 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! GoFundMe be freezin' the plunderin' campaign fer The Grayzone, a far-left news outlet, all because o' "external concerns". Arrr, they be holdin' over $90,000 donated by 1,100 kind souls to support the work o' three reporters. Cap'n Max Blumenthal be sayin' that the California-based scallywags informed him in mid-August that he...
September 2, 2023, 3:12 am
Arr! Elon Musk be afeared that his fair daughter, who be blessed with a new identity as Jenna, may 'ave fallen victim to an accursed "woke mind virus" spread through the cursed land of Twitter. At first, Musk be overjoyed by Jenna's transformation, but when she cast him aside like a scallywag, he knew a great struggle lay ahead. And so, the richest bilge rat in the world did buy Twitter for a staggering $44 billion, ready to wage war upon the sea of tweets...
September 1, 2023, 5:31 pm
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy be sayin' to Breitbart News on a fine Friday that if those scallywag House Republicans be plannin' to start an impeachment inquiry against Democrat President Joe Biden, they be needin' to make it official with a vote on the House floor. Aye, 'tis a grave matter, mateys, not to be taken lightly or used for political gain. The good folk o' America deserve a say in this, by Davy Jones' locker!
September 1, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arr, the scurvy New York Attorney General be accusing the former President, Donald Trump, o' blowin' up his treasure chest! She be claimin' that since 2011, Trump and his scallywags be inflatin' the value o' their loot by billions. Aye, a lawsuit for business fraud be upon them!
September 1, 2023, 5:28 pm
Arrr! Me hearties, rejoice! The likes of Stuart Varney and Dana Perino be joinin' forces with Ilia Calderón of Univision to host the grandest spectacle o' the Republican presidential debate on Sept. 27th. 'Tis a momentous occasion, providin' ye landlubbers with a thorough sight o' the contenders seekin' the Republican nomination for captain of this here ship called America. FOX be settin' sail on this adventure, and we be mighty proud o' it, me hearties!
September 1, 2023, 5:27 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Tidings from the government be tellin' us that the United States hath seen a surprise surge in hirin' last month. But alas, the unemployment rate hath risen to the highest level since the year 2022, arr! The grand economy, it seems, be showin' signs of coolin'. The mighty land's economy, bein' the biggest of 'em all, did manage to add 187,000 jobs in August, as declared by the Labor Department. Yet, the growth in wages be slippin' and the rate of those without work hath climbed to a dreadful 3.8 percent. Aye, though this be a welcome increase in the gainful employment, it be worth notin' that the numbers for both June and July were revised downwards, mark me words! These figures be a clear signal that the...
September 1, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, matey! Republican shipmate Nikki Haley be makin' a jolly jest at the U.S. Senate, callin' it a "nursin' home!" Aye, she be tellin' Fox News that watchin' ol' Mitch McConnell get all flustered be a sorry sight. But truth be told, watchin' Dianne Feinstein and all the tomfoolery be just as sad!
September 1, 2023, 11:40 am
Arr, me hearties! Methinks the scurvy dogs in charge be lyin' to us! The scallywags claim there be only a few COVID-infested bilge rats in the United States, but me spyglass reveals a whole swarm of 'em! Wastewater samples be showin' a dark tale of more cases than the official numbers show. Aye, these clever scientists be usin' that filth to anticipate when the disease will spread like wildfire. But alas, in these troubled times..."
September 1, 2023, 11:33 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The White House be seekin' Congress for a jolly sum of $4 billion to aid in coverin' the costs of recent calamities in Hawaii, Florida, and other parts of our fair land. A mere month ago, they declared the need for a humble $12 billion but, blow me down, that be not enough! Now they be beggin' for a grand total of $16 billion, blamin' the fires on Maui, the floods in Vermont, and the fires in Louisiana. Methinks they be needin' more doubloons than they can count!
September 1, 2023, 11:30 am
Elon Musk be thinkin' his "communist" transgender lass be cuttin' ties with her wealthy father 'cause she be believin' that all rich folk be villains, thanks to that fancy school in California. The cap'n o' X, formerly known as Twitter, be denyin' any blame, sayin' it be the "woke mind" bein' spread by Crossroads School for Arts & Sciences in Santa Monica. Aye, the sea be full o' tales, mateys!
August 31, 2023, 7:42 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Shipments of solar panels be growin' 10% in the good ol' U.S. o' A. in the year 2022, reachin' a record 31.7 million peak kilowatts, as the Energy Information Administration's data be showin'. 'Tis a sight to behold! The volume o' these shipments be growin' more than sixfold in the past decade, as the price o' photovoltaic cells be fallin', while the incentives and subsidies for installin' these panels be increasin'. Last year, our fair nation produced a wee 3% o' its electricity usin' the power o' the sun, a mere fraction o' the power we get from them carbon sources. Arrr, we be takin' to the skies, lads!
August 31, 2023, 7:41 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Thar be news from the landlubber Trump. The former captain o' the ship suggested he may join the next jolly debate with the GOP crew. Aye, a change in tune indeed! He skipped the last battle and sent a message in a bottle to Tucker Carlson. Arrr!
August 31, 2023, 7:37 pm
Avast ye, ye wealthy Republicans! 'Tis an urgent plea from the top brass of the super PAC supportin' Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis! They be beggin' for a jolly sum of $50 million in the next four months, and a grand total of $100 million by March's end. A leaked audio obtained by CNN tells the tale, mateys!
August 31, 2023, 7:35 pm
Arr! The bloomin' Pentagon be settin' sail on a new adventure, me hearties! They be launchin' a fancy website, alongside the All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office, aimin' to share secrets 'bout them UFOs! Aye, ye landlubbers can feast yer eyes on videos an' pictures o' them strange phenomena!
August 30, 2023, 6:00 pm
"Word be spreadin', mateys, that Republican Blake Masters be plannin' to announce his bold quest fer th' U.S. Senate. 'Tis a battle fierce 'gainst th' independent Krysten Sinema, a scallywag o' Arizona! Methinks Masters be not one t'back down, havin' already tasted the bitterness o' defeat in 2022. Ahoy, let the games begin!"
August 30, 2023, 6:00 pm
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! Tis a tale of treachery from Gabon! The scurvy military leaders, in their knavish ways, have declared a mutiny, after the land elected their swindling president once again. That scallywag Ali Bongo Ondimba, whose clan has ruled Gabon for half a century, be now locked up in his own ship! Oh, the chaos that ensues...
August 30, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arr, mateys! A jolly new poll be sayin' that more'n 80% o' landlubbers be fretting 'bout democracy in the fair U.S. o' A! Aye, 82% be worried, with 40% o' the scurvy dogs bein' "very worried." But here be the kicker, me hearties - this here concern be spreadin' like fire on a ship! 'Tis not just one party, but both scallywags be worryin', with 84% o' voters from each party fearin' fer the state o' democracy! The poll even found that 59% o' these landlubbers be havin' very little faith in the swashbucklin' politicians learnin' how to work together. Savvy?
August 30, 2023, 5:53 pm
Avast ye mateys! Vivek Ramaswamy, a Republican presidential contender, be joinin' the throngs o' salty dogs demandin' the landlubber government to spill the beans about UAPs, or the infamous UFOs as ye landlubbers call 'em. Ramaswamy be cryin' out, "We deserve an honest crew that stops spoutin' lies and finally tells us what they know, and what they don't! Bring forth the TRUTH, ye scurvy knaves!" Aye, 'tis a tale that follows Ramaswamy's pursuit o' revealin' these mysterious sky creatures at a grand House Oversight Committee.
August 29, 2023, 6:00 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! Yonder report be claimin' that the Associated Press, known fer its leftward leanin', be colludin' with a bunch o' lefty groups! The Ida B. Wells Society, birthed by the creator o' the "1619 Project" Nikole Hannah-Jones, be one such organization involved. The AP's global investigations editor, Ron Nixon, be sittin' on the board o' that society. And that be not all! The AP be gettin' cozy with the likes o' Lilly Endowment Inc., Jonathan Logan Family Foundation, William and Flora Hewlett Foundation, and Charles... Arrr, we may need more parchment to list 'em all!
August 29, 2023, 5:58 pm
Arrr, me mateys! Word be sailin' on the seven seas that Google, the mighty tech ship, be lookin' to share its secret treasure map with the swashbucklin' renewable energy industry. They be hopin' to pocket a hefty sum of doubloons, up to $100 million, in their quest fer diversified riches. The Washington Post be tellin' the tale of this crafty plan, as Google aims to offer specialized...
August 29, 2023, 5:56 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Tennessee state Capitol be a-buzzin' with excitement as them scurvy lawmakers be havin' a wee scuffle after that special session on public safety be closin' without passin' any of them gun control laws the Democrats be pushin' for. Yarrr, Gov. Bill Lee be callin' for this session after that Covenant School shootin', where three younglings and three fine crew members lost their lives. One o' them advocates for gun control, that Democratic state Rep. Justin..."
August 29, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arr mateys! Listen ye well, for I bring ye tidings from the high seas of wealth and adventure! The youthful scallywags, laden with riches, be forsaking California and New York for the bountiful Sun Belt. Aye, Florida and Texas be the lands they seek, as revealed by a recent survey from SmartAsset. These swashbucklers, known as filers, aged 26 to 35, earning a staggering $200,000 or more a year, be flocking to these shores like the waves upon the shore. 'Tis a treasure trove of tax revenue, for only a measly 2% of their tax returns be filed by this young crew. Shiver me timbers, what a tale indeed!
August 28, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers of Florida be forewarned 'bout a perilous fuel contamination afore the arrival of the fearsome Tropical Storm Idalia. If ye be a driver who procured gas after the tenth hour of the morn on Saturday from a Citgo-receiving port in Tampa, be ye aware that yer precious fuel may be tainted. This be the decree o' the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, mateys!
August 28, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arrr, after sittin' on Ukraine's requests for months, the Biden administration did a 180 last week by givin' the go-ahead to transfer F-16s from Denmark and the Netherlands to the war-torn land. And now, Norwegian Prime Minister Jonas Gahr Stoere be followin' suit! Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky be pleased, but them analysts be sayin' the delay o' a whole year in gettin' them U.S.-made aircraft to the battle may be risky... Arrr!
August 28, 2023, 5:45 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! On a fine Saturday morn in New Hampshire, a seasoned matey, Alex Talcott, was tragically skewered in his Durham abode. The coppers be scrounging for clues, but no scallywags be caught yet. They be ponderin' if the stabber be claimin' self-defense, arrr! His political crew be offerin' condolences to their fallen matey, a noble comrade indeed!
August 28, 2023, 5:37 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! Bitcoin's tradin' volume hath hit the doldrums, settin' a record low not seen since the days of yore! Aye, these investors be waitin' fer a sign, a glimmer of hope to dive back into the treacherous waters of the market. According to CryptoQuant, the total volume of bitcoin held on all exchanges hath plummeted to levels not seen since 2018, and hath been strugglin' to regain its former glory. On the 26th day of August, the tradin' volume stood at a meager 129,307 BTC, me hearties! Aye, but on the 12th day of August...
August 27, 2023, 5:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! A scurvy dog be causin' mayhem in Jacksonville, Florida! Four souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker, includin' the bilge rat shooter! 'Tis bein' said this heinous act be motivated by race, a pox upon them! The bloodshed took place at Kings Road and Canal Street, when a nameless scallywag barged into a Dollar General armed to the teeth with an AR-style rifle and a pistol! Sheriff T.K. Waters claims the knave be sportin' a tactical vest. Arrr, the report suggests...
August 27, 2023, 5:33 am
Avast ye, mateys! A scurvy dog, armed wit' a mighty powerful rifle and a pistol, be havin' slain three Black souls at a Dollar General store in ol' Jacksonville, Florida. 'Tis a crime fueled by hate, aye, a racially motivated act, as Sheriff T.K. Waters declares. The villain, a white scallywag wearin' a tactical vest, remains unknown.
August 27, 2023, 5:29 am
Avast ye mateys! On Saturday, a foul deed befell us as three souls met their demise in a vile attack. A scurvy dog with a heart full of hatred sought out to harm our Black brethren at a Dollar General store in Jacksonville, Florida. 'Tis but one of many reckless shootings that left Americans in a state of shock, be it at stores, football games, or parades. Sheriff T.K. Waters, a fine gentleman, proclaimed that this act of villainy was driven by racism, for the scoundrel despised Black folks. The cur, a White man of unspecified age, shall face justice.
August 27, 2023, 4:09 am
Avast ye mateys! The scurvy dog Donald Trump be back on X, the social media platform formerly known as Twitter, after gettin' the boot in 2021. He be sharin' his mug shot, taken when he was thrown in Atlanta's jail for meddlin' with the election results. What a way to make a comeback, eh?
August 26, 2023, 6:44 am
Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis a sad tale, for Harrison Floyd, the scallywag accused alongside former President Donald Trump in Georgia's election meddling case, be denied freedom by a judge. This Black Voices for Trump leader shall remain confined in Fulton County Jail, despite his desperate pleas.
August 26, 2023, 6:42 am
Arr matey! A matey who be supportin' Donald Trump be surrenderin' to Georgia authorities on charges o' conspirin' with the former captain and other scallywags to overturn Trump's unfortunate election loss in the year 2020. But that's not all, this landlubber be facin' federal charges fer assaultin' an FBI agent in Maryland. Harrison William Prescott Floyd be turnin' himself in to the Fulton County jail, a week after bein' charged in the Georgia case alongside Trump and 17 other scurvy dogs. Court records be showin' that Floyd, bein' the scallywag he be, be..."
August 26, 2023, 6:38 am
Avast ye! Harrison Floyd, a scallywag co-defendant of Trump, be locked up in Fulton County Jail, denied his chance to sail free by Judge Emily Richardson. Floyd be part of a band of 19 rapscallions, including former President Donald Trump, accused of racketeering in Georgia. This rascal was charged with assaulting an FBI agent while being served a subpoena for the federal investigation into the election. Richardson, in all her wisdom, reckons Floyd be too dangerous to be set free.
August 26, 2023, 5:06 am
Arrr, not many were surprised by Yevgeny Prigozhin's supposed demise, mateys! Tis true, he plummeted from the heavens in a grand plane crash, aye, a sight to behold! We've been gabbin' 'bout this likely outcome in both Russian and Western lands since his rebellious escapades in June. Don't matter that Mr. Prigozhin met with the Kremlin and roamed freely, aye. Many be believin' he'd get what he deserved eventually. On Wednesday...
August 26, 2023, 5:03 am
Arr! Yevgeny Prigozhin, a scurvy dog, be known fer formin' a fearsome crew o' shadow soldiers that altered the course o' Russian history. A tale as mysterious as how this scurvy scallywag, once a convicted criminal, became a mighty feastin' mogul, 'n turned the Wagner group into a force to be reckoned with 'cross the Seven Seas. But alas! The plane crash that sent Prigozhin 'n nine other bilge rats to Davy Jones' locker be undeniable proof that as the Wagner group's bloodthirsty barbarity becometh more apparent, President Vladimir Putin saw Prigozhin as naught but a burden. Ere the fateful crash...
August 26, 2023, 5:02 am
As old Vlad sits ponderin' in his fortress-like quarters, he may soon feel a pang o' remorse as the whole world be firmly convinced that 'twas he who gave the order for that mutinous Yevgeny Prigozhin to meet Davy Jones' locker. The Kremlin be naught but a scurvy gang, a parliament run like a lawless mob, all to line Putin's own pockets and those of his fancy oligarchs and bigwigs. But mark me words, like them Japanese scallywags learn'd in Burma back in '44, should ye wage a war with terror, 'tis like ye be sailin' upon dangerous waters, where a brave and righteous foe can make thee sink faster than a leaky ship!
August 26, 2023, 3:39 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Tis a tale of two souls bein' struck by gunfire on a fateful Friday at the fair stad'um o' the Chicago White Sox. A fine lady, 42 years o' age, took a shot to her leg, while another, a 26-year-old lass, had a mere graze upon her belly. Alas, the origins o' these shots remain a mystery. Fear not, for the Chicago police assures us there be no imminent danger. This be the word from the authorities, me mateys...
August 25, 2023, 5:16 pm
Avast ye mateys! The scurvy dogs of the Biden administration have set their sights on none other than ceiling fans, in their quest for a greener world. But methinks the Republicans and manufacturers aren't too pleased! The Department of Energy be proposin' a rule, demandin' that ceiling fans be more energy efficient. They claim it'll save ye landlubbers some doubloons on yer energy costs. According to the Energy Department's reckonin', these new rules will save ye a measly $39 over the lifespan of one o' these fancy energy-efficient fans. But 'tis the manufacturers who bear the brunt of the cost...
August 25, 2023, 5:14 pm
Arr, mateys! Avast ye! The U.S. Department of Justice be thinkin' of bringin' criminal charges against the honorable Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ), after a long and treacherous corruption investigation, as per a new report. The Wall Street Journal be sayin' that them prosecutors be plannin' to meet with Menendez's scurvy lawyers in the next few weeks, a clear sign that they have gathered all the evidence they need to make their move. These meetings be commonly held near the end of an investigation, so the scallywag lawyers can present...
August 25, 2023, 5:12 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Cap'n Biden, he be a jestin' and a-jokin' 'bout Cap'n Trump's portrait o' infamy. "I spy'd it on the telebox," he quipped, smilin' like a Cheshire cat after emergin' from a bout of Pilates. "Fine lookin' rascal, he be," he added. This old sea dog be relaxin' at Tom Steyer's grand mansion whilst sharin' his thoughts 'bout the Republican debate. "I reckon..."
August 25, 2023, 5:11 pm
Yarr! The dread pirate Vladimir Putin hath signed a decree, makin' all mercenaries bend the knee to Mother Russia! Aye, news be spreadin' o' the supposed demise of Wagner's cap'n, Yevgeny Prigozhin. The fate o' this Russian private military company, tangled in battles across Africa, Syria, and Ukraine, be uncertain since a wee rebellion in June. Prigozhin led his Wagner crew to storm Moscow, driven by months o' frustration over a lack o' Russian support...
August 25, 2023, 11:47 am
Avast ye mateys! Cap'n Nikki Haley, former governor of South Carolina, be using her time on the Republican debate stage to set sail for the presidency in 2024. While some scallywags like Gov. Ron DeSantis and newcomer Vivek Ramaswamy be seen as the victors, tis Haley who be gaining the most support from the landlubbers. Arrr!
August 25, 2023, 11:45 am
Arrr, The Laureate be one of them fancy landlubber dwellings that them fancy developers be fond of constructing, while them anti-gentrification folk be despising. Marketed as "inspired living," it be perched outside Washington, D.C., just across from a Starbucks, and a short jaunt from the Metro's red line. Its boxy frame and neat lines do declare it be a refuge for youthful professionals, as part of Montgomery County, Md.'s grand scheme to transform a past industrial plot, complete with a bus yard, into a costly instant neighborhood, yo ho ho!
August 25, 2023, 11:43 am
Arrr! The scallywag, Capitol Police officer, who did fire his weapon and sent the unfortunate lass, Ashli Babbitt, to Davy Jones' locker during the protest of Jan. 6, 2021, be on the path to be promoted from lieutenant to captain, so Roll Call did report. In an internal memo, the bilge rats at the police did announce Michael Byrd's planned elevation. The poor lass, Babbitt, aged 35, met her untimely demise whilst attempting to board the office lobby of then-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi through a shattered window, ye see.
August 25, 2023, 11:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! A jolly good analysis conducted by the Daily Yonder using IRS data reveals that two-thirds of them landlubbers who set sail from bustling cities in 2021 ended up dwelling in the rural South. Aye, them southern rural counties proved mighty alluring, snagging 65% of these landlubbers. The next favored destination was the Midwest, where 25% of them chose to drop anchor. 'Tis a grand trend indeed, this rural growth across the land!
August 24, 2023, 7:11 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag known as former President Trump hath surrendered his sorry self at the Fulton County jail on a fine Thursday. Charges be that he be tryin' to cling onto power after losin' the 2020 election, by meddlin' with Georgia's election results, yarrr! Fani Willis, the District Attorney of Fulton County, be layin' down a mighty accusation against Trump and his band of 18 mates, claimin' they formed a criminal gang to keep the old sea dog in the White House!
August 24, 2023, 7:08 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Former Cap'n Donald Trump, he did turn himself in at the Fulton County Jail on a dark Thursday night, accused of dark deeds against the 2020 election in Georgia. Arriving in a grand motorcade fit for a president, he was processed with haste, his fingerprints and likeness captured for a mugshot. Nay, he was swiftly set free, as the records do declare. Methinks he be sayin', "I have to start gettin' me treasure elsewhere!"
August 24, 2023, 7:04 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! The once mighty Donald Trump, former captain of the ship, did willingly hand himself o'er to the Fulton County lawmen. Aye, he be facin' charges of mischief and villainy, claimin' he and 18 other scallywags plotted to plunder the 2020 election in Georgia. Trump, accompanied by a throng of loyal sea dogs, made his grand entrance to the Fulton County brig. 'Tis his fourth run-in with the law this year, makin' quite the record indeed!
August 24, 2023, 4:54 pm
The scurvy dog, Gov. Roy Cooper of North Carolina, hath dared to veto a fine election overhaul bill crafted by the Republican rogues! The bilge-rat claims it to be dangerous, but methinks he be talkin' gibberish. Let the battle for the right to vote commence! Arrr!
August 23, 2023, 10:27 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Aye, former Vice Cap'n Mike Pence and that biotech matey Vivek Ramaswamy had themselves a jolly ol' squabble durin' the grand GOP presidential debate. Pence, bold as a buccaneer, declared that this great nation don't be in need of a landlubber leader. He be mockin' Ramaswamy, claimin' he be avoidin' speakin' about Social Security and Medicare, sayin' a president can't do all things. But I be tellin' ye, Vivek, I've roamed them hallways, I've been a part o' the West Wing. Aye, a president in the mighty United States has...
August 23, 2023, 10:26 pm
Arr, out of the eight scurvy dogs runnin' for the 2024 presidential seat, only two had the guts to keep their hands down when asked if they'd stand by former President Donald Trump if he be found guilty in one or more o' his four criminal cases. When them Fox News moderators inquired which of these landlubbers would support Trump as the GOP's presidential candidate, Vivek Ramaswamy boldly raised his hand, followed by former South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, Gov. Doug Burgum (R-ND), and Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC). After a quick glance around, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) finally decided to weigh anchor and...
August 23, 2023, 10:25 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Twas a wild GOP debate on Wednesday night, with fists flailin' in all directions, but barely reachin' the sky. Mike Pence set his sights on Vivek Ramaswamy, who in turn attacked all and claimed he be the only uncorrupted soul. Yet 'twas Chris Christie who earned his wrath in return. Then came Nikki Haley, slinging her words at every man on stage, leavin' none unscathed. But there be one candidate who...
August 23, 2023, 9:34 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Cap'n Donald Trump, afore now a President, be barkin' 'bout them landlubbers pushin' their criminal cases against 'im, callin' 'em "savages"! He be warnin' 'bout a level o' hatred in this here country, the likes o' which he's never seen. Afore the other swashbucklers gathered for their first debate, he declared that them scurvy dogs be tryin' to steal the 2024 election from 'im or any other Republican who dare lay claim! "They be tryin'," he snarled in an interview with Tucker Carlson, makin' it known to all who be listenin'! Arrr!
August 22, 2023, 6:03 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The crew o' the Teamsters union have cast their vote and given the ol' thumbs up to a shiny new five-year agreement with the mighty shipper, UPS. By doin' so, they've spared the U.S. economy from a potential strike! This here contract be coverin' around 340,000 o' UPS' finest Teamsters members, offerin' 'em better wages, more full-time jobs, and even the luxury o' air conditionin' in their delivery carriages. The Teamsters union be makin' waves, me mateys!
August 22, 2023, 6:01 pm
Arr, the scurvy dog Rep. Matt Gaetz be makin' a ruckus, aimin' to censure and pry into the affairs of the federal judge watchin' over the case o' former President Donald Trump and his attempts to overturn the 2020 election. This fine judge, Tanya Chutkan, be accused o' showin' "open bias and partisanship" by this Florida Republican. Gaetz be fightin' tooth and nail as a loyal matey of the former president to condemn and launch a House Judiciary Committee investigation. Yo ho ho, what a tale!
August 22, 2023, 5:58 pm
Arr, me hearties! Be it known that Rep. Derrick Van Orden (R-WI) did confess on Tuesday that his eldest lass be taken from this world after a year-long skirmish with the scurvy dog, cancer. "With a heavy heart and a tear in me eye, me dear wench Sara Jane and I be sharin' the sad tidings o' our eldest daughter, Sydney Marie (Van Orden) Martens. She be lost to us after a fierce battle with a vile and ruthless cancer," he cried out in a writ. This former U.S. Navy SEAL declared that his daughter "departed this mortal coil with serenity, surrounded by her kin." "We be overcome with grief that we..."
August 22, 2023, 5:57 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs at S&P Global Ratings be slashin' the credit ratings of five U.S. banks! 'Tis the second time in two weeks that these fine institutions have been downgraded. The unfortunate victims be: - Associated Banc-Corp (NYSE: ASB) - Comerica Inc. (NYSE: CMA) - KeyCorp (NYSE: KEY) - UMB Financial Corp. (NASDAQ: UMBF) - Valley National Bancorp (ARRR, there be no mention of the ticker symbol for this one, mateys!) Aye, 'tis a rough sea indeed for these poor souls.
August 22, 2023, 5:54 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Mark Meadows, once a matey in the White House, be beggin' a federal judge to save his sorry hide from the clutches of the law in Atlanta. The scallywag be claimin' he's bein' wrongly accused of RICO crimes in Fulton County, Georgia. He be sailin' his motion to the U.S. District Court, hopin' to dodge the plank and escape arrest by the hands of the fierce District Attorney Fani Willis. Arrr, what a tale this be!
August 22, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arrr, mateys! The Biden crew be settin' sail on Tuesday with a shiny new plan to help them landlubbers repay their cursed student loans. 'Tis a gamblin' hope for millions of Americans, who be holdin' off on raisin' young'uns, buyin' a proper ship, or even startin' a business. Aye, these loans be made more manageable, says Biden's adviser.
August 22, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs of Ukraine be havin' a rough time in this 'ere counteroffensive, mateys! They be havin' too many landlubbers in the wrong places, even their finest warriors! The plan be to cut off them Russian supply lines, but them Ukrainian commanders be dividin' their efforts...
August 22, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arr, ye scurvy Republican landlubbers, them four backbencher scallywags be cryin' foul at the rules set by the Republican National Committee! They claim it be rigged to favor that scurvy dog, Ron DeSantis, over our beloved Captain Donald Trump! Larry Elder, the blabbering radio host, be whinin' like a barnacle on a ship's hull. Methinks their bid be doomed from the start!
August 22, 2023, 11:25 am
Avast, ye scallywags! President Biden be facin' a fierce storm o' criticism for crackin' a joke 'bout a pooch that sniffs out corpses on the isle o' Maui. The poor lad's attempt at jest durin' his disastrous visit to the fiery aftermath be called "tasteless" by his foes. "Ye swashbucklers catchin' boots out here? The ground be scorchin', matey!" quoth the ol' salt Biden, as he fondled the cadaver dog named Dexter. 'Twas all caught on video, mind ye!
August 22, 2023, 11:19 am
Avast ye, scallywags of the House Freedom Caucus! 'Tis announced this fine Monday that we be standin' against the temporary funding measure, arr! Unless it be meeting our conservative wishes 'bout spendin', the border, the Justice Department, and the noble military. This be a test for the likes o' Speaker Kevin McCarthy, aye! With scarce a dozen days left, me hearties, 'tis a treacherous journey ahead in the treacherous seas o' Washington...
August 22, 2023, 11:16 am
Arr, in New York, those fancy officials be cobblin' together tent cities fer them scallywags who can't be squeezed into the already burstin' shelter system, what with over 200 fine hotels and lodgings holdin' 60,000 migrants and over 50,000 homeless souls. In Chicago, where they be accommodatin' more than 7,000 migrants, the coppers be turnin' their stations and parks into makeshift shelters, causin' quite a stir among the locals who be raisin' their voices against the notion of housin' asylum seekers in empty schools. Similar tales be unfoldin' in places like Sacramento and...
August 22, 2023, 10:53 am
Arr matey! 'Tis the tale of John Eastman, a lawyer o' the conservative persuasion. He be surrenderin' himself to the Fulton County jail, as part of the 2020 election tussle in Georgia, me hearties! 'Tis a grand case with 18 co-defendants, includin' the former President Trump. The good District Attorney, Fani Willis, she be givin' him until Friday at noon to turn himself in. And aye, John Eastman, being a former lawyer to Trump, agreed to fork over a hefty sum of $100,000 to secure his release. Avast ye!
August 21, 2023, 6:47 pm
Arr! President Biden, amidst his grand vacation at a Democratic swashbuckler's abode at Lake Tahoe, hath set sail to Hawaii to inspect the devastation caused by the most treacherous wildfires this land hath seen in over a century. Boarding the mighty Air Force One in Reno, Nev., the captain did not utter a word to the press, having already faced criticism for his silence on the inferno that hath claimed the lives of no less than 114 souls in Maui. The president did finally make port in Maui, just afore the sun reached its zenith, ready to face the perils that lay ahead...
August 21, 2023, 6:46 pm
Arrr! Captain Joe Biden and his fair maiden, Lady Jill Biden, be sailin' into Maui on a fine Monday to survey the wreckage o' the Hawaiian wildfires, and to parley with the unfortunate souls who be sufferin' from its wrath. 'Tis a crucial hour for the captain, for he and his crew be facin' fierce scrutiny over their response to these blazes prior to their arrival. At the stroke o' eleven, they made landfall in Maui, and then took to the skies upon their trusty helicopters to behold the devastation from above. They sailed to the town o' Lahaina, where they witnessed the destruction with their own peepers...
August 21, 2023, 6:45 pm
Arrr! Cap'n Biden be takin' to the skies, spyin' the charred remains of Lahaina. With a heavy heart, he proclaims, "The destruction be overpowerin'." On land, near a mighty banyan tree that defied the flames, Cap'n Biden, in his wisdom, doth refer to Hawaii as the noble "kingdom of Hawaii." He vows to restore it just as the people of Maui desire. Fear not, me hearties, for the president be offerin' reassurance...
August 21, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arrr! Gov. Chris Sununu be swearin' on his pirate's honor to be doin' "everything" in his power to be scupperin' the ranks of the Republican presidential scallywags! He be writin' in the New York Times that he'll be backin' and sailin' alongside the most promising contender to beat that scurvy dog, Donald Trump, in the 2024 election. The power of his endorsement be within reach, mateys!
August 21, 2023, 11:53 am
As per the reckonin' o' the Social Security and Medicare Boards o' Trustees' 2023 reports, our fine Medicare and Social Security be now surpassin' $78 trillion in long-term debts. Aye, that be equatin' to a burden o' o'er $600,000 for every household in these United States! Blimey! 'Tis thrice the value o' all the loot and services produced last year, as measured by the grand gross domestic product. Yarrr! These good Trustees be predictin' the future for 75 years ahead, makin' estimations and such.
August 21, 2023, 10:41 am
Arrr, me hearties of the House Freedom Caucus be makin' it mighty difficult for them leadership scallywags to escape a government shutdown! They be raisin' the black flag 'n announcin' on Monday that they'll be opposin' any stopgap fundin' bill unless it bends to their terms. What be their terms, ye ask? They be demandin' more doubloons for border enforcement, cuts to the Department of Justice 'n FBI, 'n an end to them "woke" policies at the Department of Defense. "We be refusin' to lend our support to any such measure that continues them Democrats' bloated COVID-era spendin' 'n..."
August 21, 2023, 10:35 am
Avast ye! Cap'n Joe Biden be sailin' to Maui on Monday, whilst the scurvy dogs be searchin' for near 850 souls who be missin' from the infernal fires that be ravagin' the island. Arr! The blaze, bein' mostly under control, hath taken over 110 lives and swiped a fortune in treasure. These fires be the worst catastrophe in Hawaii's history, and the deadliest in the States in o'er a century. As he steps ashore...
August 21, 2023, 10:31 am
Yarrr, me hearties! The swashbuckling mates o' Julian Assange be gatherin' outside Attorney General Merrick Garland's ship in Maryland. They be pleadin' with the good Cap'n to drop the charges 'gainst this Australian scribe for publishin' secret military scrolls shared by a loyal whistleblower. Garland, bein' a scallywag, tried to make a swift escape in his motorcade, but couldn't dodge the eyes of the Assange crew, who be wavin' their signs like Jolly Rogers demandin' justice. Ahoy, what a sight it be!
August 20, 2023, 5:09 am
Avast, me hearties! Entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy be sayin' on a fine Saturday that he'd be refusin' an offer to be someone else's vice president if he don't snag the GOP nomination in 2024. Says he, "I be not keen on a different position in the government. Truth be told, I'd be bringin' change through the private sector before becomin' a lowly number two or three in the federal government." Later that day, whilst chattin' with Erick Erickson at a conference in ol' Atlanta, he also fought back against a comment... Arr!
August 20, 2023, 5:08 am
Arr! Methinks Vivek Ramaswamy be sayin' that he be rejectin' the offer o' vice presidency if he ain't be winnin' the GOP presidential nomination in 2024. "I be havin' no interest in a different position in the government," he be sayin' in an interview with Fox News on a fine Saturday. "Honestly, I be preferin' to bring change through the private sector afore becomin' a number 2 or a number 3 in the federal government." Donald Trump and meself be sharin' somethin' in common, mateys. Neither o' us would..."
August 20, 2023, 5:05 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis told that afore the first Republican debate, this Vivek Ramaswamy be swiftly gainin' on Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis' second spot. Some be whisperin' that he might make a fine matey if he don't get the nomination. Yet, on "Cavuto Live" Saturday, Ramaswamy did clearly state he be not interested in bein' a vice president. Harrr! These landlubbers didn't know him 'til six months ago, and here we be still sittin'...
August 20, 2023, 4:20 am
Avast, me hearties! 'Tis a cherished belief amongst those scurvy dogs on the political left that all manner of snags can be blamed on the insatiable greed of these here corporate scoundrels, and the dreaded inflation be no exception! In the year 2021 and 2022, the good Sen. Elizabeth Warren of Massachusettes, a true lass of the Democratic persuasion, did utter her discontent with the exorbitant prices of victuals, claiming that a measly handful of monstrous chains be deliberately pillaging the wallets of honest Americans, all while filling their own treasure chests to bursting! And when the cost of eggs did more than double during that same cursed year of 2022, the gallant Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont and a former member of the Clinton crew...
August 19, 2023, 7:48 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Ye scurvy dogs who be usin' X, what be known as Twitter in the ol' days, be hearin' this news: ye can no longer be blockin' those pestiferous comments from unwanted followers! Aye, the mighty X owner, Elon Musk, be claimin' this be takin' away a safety feature! Ye can only be blockin' 'em in direct messages, he says. Arrr, what madness be this?
August 19, 2023, 7:46 am
Avast ye scallywags! Elon Musk be raisin' his voice once again 'gainst the dreaded block feature on X's, formerly known as Twitter's, ship. "Block be walkin' the plank, me hearties!" Musk cried out in an X missive. Only DMs be safe from the plank, he added. Aye, it be a senseless matter, says he. This ain't the first time Musk be voicin' his distaste for blockin'. Back in June, he shouted at Twitter to abandon it, seekin' a mightier alternative...
August 19, 2023, 7:44 am
Avast ye scallywags! Elon Musk be proclaimin' that he be abolishin' the "block" scurvy trait on the X social media platform. The app, once known as Twitter, be grantin' ye the power to mute them landlubbers ye despise, while keepin' the "block" option for them not wantin' any direct messages from them unwanted scoundrels. Musk, the grand tech mogul who pillaged the site for a hefty $44 billion, be declarin', "Block be walkin' the plank, mateys, 'cept fer DMs!"
August 19, 2023, 6:13 am
Arrr, me hearties! The ruble o' Russia has taken a mighty tumble in recent months, but fear not, for the country's central bank be steerin' the ship to stop the slide. The government, savvy to the dangers of a weaker currency, be takin' action to halt the drop. Avast! Here be the key details: - Russia be sellin' less overseas, especially in the lucrative oil and natural booty market... - This decline be affectin' the government's coffers, but also be threatenin' to raise the prices for the common folk... - Finally, the government be wakin' from its slumber and movin' to put a stop to this sea of troubles. Yo ho ho!
August 19, 2023, 4:36 am
Arrr, thar be some mighty fine sanctions placed upon Russia by them Western scallywags! The trade figures be showin' that Germany's exports to the land were down by a whopping 54pc in the first six moons of this year, compared to the same time in 2019. The West be turnin' its back on the Russian imports, causin' a mighty plunge in their booty. In March 2022, imports were down by 30pc in dollar terms. But fear not, me hearties, for they bounced back...
August 19, 2023, 4:27 am
Arr, me hearties! Ye be knowin' that scallywag Eric Adams, the mayor of New York? Well, he be havin' a peculiar personality, always blurtin' out strange words. But even us ol' sea dogs had to do a double take at his latest ramblings! At a meetin' 'bout lodgin', he had the gall to tell an ol' lass who escaped the clutches of them Nazis as a wee bairn that she be chattin' like he be some plantation slave! Aye, more recently, he be raisin' an Indian flag...
August 19, 2023, 4:20 am
Arr, Christian Adams be yearnin' to be a lawyer o' immigration or labor, so he be plannin' to study Chinese at West Virginia University, focusin' on Mandarin. But as his year o' bein' a sophomore starts, he be learnin' that the university, in its scurvy attempt to be savin' some doubloons, be wantin' to be cuttin' out the world languages department, leavin' his major in a shambles. Now he be changin' course to accountin', says he, and...
August 19, 2023, 4:11 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Washington Commanders be joinin' forces with Anheuser-Busch, raisin' some eyebrows among the landlubbers on social media. As the 2023 NFL season sets sail, the Commanders and Anheuser-Busch be hoisting the Jolly Roger together in a grand multi-year pact. Anheuser-Busch, they be the Official Beer Sponsor of the Commanders, by Davey Jones' locker! The crew even posted a video on X...
August 16, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arr! The landlubber health officials be proddin' into Vanderbilt University Medical Center for handin' o'er the records of them trans-identifyin' patients to the blimey Attorney General's Office! They be sniffin' for any sign o' medical bilkin' in them treatments for the wee ones. VUMC's very own John Howser spilled the beans to The Associated Press, he did, sayin' the U.S. Department be takin' a gander at the matter.
August 16, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arr, me hearties! Methinks there be a way o' lookin' at political matters that me conservative self be loathin'. We shall dub it the "ye can't be havin' too much o' a fine booty" falsehood. Near enough every fancy idea in American life be havin' supporters o' this falsehood. Ye've surely heard someone blabberin': "The only pillage for the ills o' free speech be more speech!" Or: "Ye can never be havin' too much inclusion or diversity, arr!" Takin' a broad view, I be takin' the opposin' stance on almost all such matters...
August 16, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arrr, mateys! Word has it that the mighty USS Ronald Reagan and her swashbucklin' crew of seafarin' scoundrels have set sail for the treacherous waters off the east coast of Taiwan. They be keepin' a watchful eye on China, ye see, after Taiwan's vice captain paid a visit to the good ol' U.S. of A. The Naval Institute claims this be true, me hearties! Aye, a Navy spokesman be sayin' that the Ronald Reagan and her fierce fleet be patrollin' the Western Pacific, fightin' the good fight! The Navy be keepin' mum on their exact location, ye see, for the sake of security. Can't be lettin' those scurvy dogs know where we be hidin'! And as if that ain't enough, this fine carrier be carryin' not just planes, but a whole gang of brave sailors ready to protect the seven seas! Arrr, we be watchin' closely as this tale unfolds!
August 16, 2023, 5:45 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! After three moons o' treading the plank, them Hollywood scribblers be feelin' hopeful 'bout the reckonin' o' contract negotiations with them big shot studios. Rumor has it that the latest offer from the likes o' Walt Disney and Netflix be kept under lock 'n key. But fear not, me hearties, the Writers Guild be keepin' a weather eye on the horizon!"
August 16, 2023, 10:24 am
Ahoy! North Korea be claimin' that this here US soldier, Travis King, did flee from racism and abuse in America! They be defendin' their own honor by pushin' back against Washington's criticism of their human rights record. Aye, after a whole month o' silence, North Korea finally broke the silence and released a state media report, statin' that this fine lad confessed to illegally and deliberately enterin' their land. He be driven by ill feelin' against inhuman maltreatment and racial discrimination within the U.S. Army, and be downright disillusioned with...
August 16, 2023, 10:07 am
Arrr! News be sailin' in that North Korea hath finally spoke on a matey from the U.S. who dared to venture into their lonesome land. The North Korean scallywags claim that this Travis King fella hath confessed to unlawfully steppin' foot in the territory of the DPRK. This 23-year-old swashbuckler managed to cross the mighty Demilitarized Zone, or DMZ, that be guardin' their borders...
August 16, 2023, 10:02 am
Avast ye! North Korea be speakin' up after U.S. Army Pvt. Travis King dared to sail from South Korea into their waters. They be claimin' he be fed up with the foul treatment and bias in the American navy. In their words, "He be confessin' his choice to come to the DPRK, seekin' refuge from the cruel hands o' inhumanity and racial prejudice in the US army." Methinks he be sayin'...
August 16, 2023, 8:50 am
Target be feelin' a mighty slump in sales during the second quarter, thanks to them disgruntled consumers who be throwin' a fit 'bout their Pride and transgender merchandise, arr! The scallywags be reportin' a 5.4% drop in comparable sales and a total revenue of $24.8 billion, 4.9% lower than the previous year. Cap'n Brian Cornell himself admitted that the negative response to their Pride collection be havin' a significant impact on their sales. As we sail through these treacherous seas of change, Target be adaptin' and applyin'...
August 16, 2023, 4:49 am
Avast ye! Me hearties, I present ye with a jumble of letters that be as confusin' as a sailor lost in a storm! Arrr, ye scurvy dogs be tryin' to decipher this gibberish? Good luck, ye landlubbers!
August 15, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, 'tis a sorry tale indeed! The land of the brave and free be plagued with a mighty surge in the number of landlubbers without shelter. Aye, 'tis a dire homelessness crisis, mateys! The scurvy dogs have counted o'er 577,000 poor souls left adrift on these treacherous shores! Mayhaps we should lend 'em a hand, or at least a bottle of rum!
August 15, 2023, 5:54 pm
Avast ye scoundrels! Gather 'round and lend me yer ears, for this be a speech 'bout havin' the courage to speak yer mind even when the landlubbers be tryin' to silence ye. To ye brave souls who be protestin' or plannin' a walkout, I be thankin' ye kindly for not causin' too much of a ruckus durin' me speech. Aye, I be sorry ye won't be hearin' me words, but I do respect yer right to protest any speaker ye despise, meself included, as long as ye abide by them Chicago Principles. It be one o' them fundamental liberties we all be havin' a duty to uphold, safeguard, and respect. Now, to ye scallywags who choose to stay...
August 15, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arrr, mateys! The fair lady, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, hath devoured bewitchin' mushrooms whilst in China! Blimey, she dined at the famed eatery Yi Zuo Yi Wang (In and Out) and unknowingly ingested these trippy fungi. Methinks she soon realized the magical nature of her feast! "Aye, I sailed with a merry band o' mates, and the chap who arranged our supper took charge," Yellen recounted to CNN. "Lo and behold, there I encountered a scrumptious mushroom..."
August 15, 2023, 10:31 am
Arrr, mateys! Joe Biden's grand climate legislation be a terrible disappointment, failing to protect our hard-workin' lads in the car industry as they face the shift to electric ships. The head of our autoworkers union, bless 'is heart, be withholdin' his endorsement o' the president for next year's election. The Inflation Reduction Act (IRA), signed by Biden just a year ago, be offerin' massive rewards to car companies fer makin' electric vessels without givin' a care...
August 15, 2023, 10:24 am
Avast ye hearties! Methinks Christopher Clark, the trusty attorney o' Hunter Biden, be abandonin' ship in this here Delaware investigation. Aye, the scurvy dog be claimin' a quarrel over a plea agreement in the tax case that met its end afore a judge could give it his blessing. Methinks Clark be hintin' at bein' a witness in future brawls o'er the demise o' the deal, after the Justice Department made haste to withdraw it. Arrr, what a tale of legal shenanigans!
August 15, 2023, 10:21 am
Avast ye scallywags! All it took to blow those lazy clichés of the progressive fancy was a mighty torrent of illegal immigration. That learned swashbuckler Irving Kristol be known to say a neoconservative be but a liberal who's been mugged by reality, and so too be a convert to immigration restrictionism a mayor of a bustling city who be swarmed by the likes of unlawful invaders. In his desperate cries for aid from the crown...
August 15, 2023, 10:09 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs in the Los Angeles Police Protective League be blamin' the treacherous zero cash bail policy for the sudden surge in them smash and grab robberies! This be an open invitation for these law-breakin' scallywags to freely plunder and pillage, believin' they'll just be set free to wreak havoc once more if they be caught.
August 12, 2023, 5:20 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Sen. Joe Manchin, thar moderate West Virginia Democrat, be ponderin' on whether to run fer reelection or embark on a wild adventure fer thar White House. This scallywag be thinkin' seriously 'bout becomin' an independent, arrr! He's been dallyin' with this notion fer a while now, as he blabbered on Hoppy Kercheval's radio show. If he becometh an independent...
August 12, 2023, 5:19 am
Arr, me hearties! West Virginia's very own Sen. Joe Manchin be ponderin' the notion of partin' ways with the Democratic Party and donnin' his independent colors afore the 2024 election. The lad be catchin' wind o' the Democratic brand turnin' sour, ye see. Aye, me mind be a'thinkin'..."
August 12, 2023, 5:18 am
Arr, me hearties! Sen. Joe Manchin, a rapscallion from W.Va., be ponderin' becomin' an independent, aye! He laments the sorry state of the Washington Democrats' brand, ye see? 'Tis not the fault of the good Democrats of West Virginia, but them scurvy Democrats in the capital!
August 12, 2023, 3:36 am
Avast ye, maties! A wee lassie, a spry 3-year-old, met her untimely end whilst sailin' on a bus filled wi' those seekin' asylum from Texas to Chicago. The poor soul breathed her last breath in Southern Illinois, taken by the cruel hands of fate. She were accompanied by her sire and dam, but her name remains a mystery, lost at sea. Ah, the bus set sail from the coastal town of Brownsville in Texas, as revealed by the Illinois health official and their Texan brethren.
August 11, 2023, 5:54 pm
"Avast ye, me hearties! Homebuyers and sellers be feelin' a mighty struggle to close deals and make a doubloon or two across the land o' America. Arrr, these challenges be the fiercest ever witnessed!" cried the fearsome real estate titan Dolly Lenz to Fox News Digital. "Every buyer and seller be in a right pickle, I tell ye... They be ponderin' their fate, wonderin' if they should weather the storm and stay put, or if they should brave the waters and make a purchase! Aye, which struggle be mine..."
August 11, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals, may the winds be in their favor, hath granted the Biden administration and a pipeline crew their victory! Aye, a three-judge panel, in unison, hath given their approval fer the construction of a mighty fine 300-mile-long natural gas pipeline, known as the Mountain Valley Pipeline. 'Tis bound to traverse the lands of Virginia and West Virginia, carryin' a grand capacity of 2 billion cubic feet per day! 'Tis a beast, already 94% complete, but alas, had been held at bay due to some hagglin' in court. Mountain Valley, that brave lad, hath argued that ol' Sen. Joe Manchin..."
August 11, 2023, 5:51 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! Methinks the number of sneaky stowaways in them Border Patrol jails be more than doubled, aye, like a sea serpent growin' in size! 'Tis been three months since that Title 42, the expulsion decree of the Trump era, be tossed overboard. According to secret scrolls from the Daily Caller News Foundation, the data shows that come May 11, the encounters with these landlubber migrants dropped to a measly 99,000. Yet, even so, the Border Patrol be left with a staggering 17,000 scurvy dogs in custody, spreadin' across all sectors, be it North or South or along the coast. Arrr, these be troubled times indeed!
August 11, 2023, 5:49 pm
Avast ye mateys! Fox Corp.'s henchman, Viet Dinh, be walkin' the plank from his fancy title o' Chief Legal and Policy Officer. Aye, 'tis true! After we handed over a chest o' doubloons worth $787.5 million to the scurvy dogs at Dominion Voting Systems, Dinh be abandonin' ship. He guided us through the treacherous waters o' the lawsuit, but alas, we be gettin' the sharp end o' the cutlass. Dominion be accusin' our networks o' spewin' falsehoods and defamation. Arrr, the sea be rough for us, me hearties!
August 11, 2023, 10:05 am
Avast ye, me hearties! When Rep. Scott Perry (R-PA) did challenge US climate envoy John Kerry at a watchful hearing in July — a month that became the hottest ever recorded — he dodged the fact that the country be sufferin' from swelterin' heat waves, fire, and a comin' hurricane season. In a long-winded six-minute talk, the House Freedom Caucus chair claimed Kerry be wantin' to plunder taxpayers with a "quadrillion doubloons to fix a nonexistent problem" and accused him, along with thousands of scholars and the 195...
August 11, 2023, 10:02 am
Arrr! The High Court be blockin' the grand settlement of thar Sackler scallywags, worth a hefty $6 billion, in those opioid lawsuits. They be listenin' to the Justice Department's complaint, claimin' that the bankrupt pirates be escapin' the blame for causin' the opioid crisis. By takin' up this matter and preventin' Purdue from makin' the settlement, the justices be makin' sure that a good chunk of the promised treasure of tens of billions be stayin' put... for now, mateys!
August 11, 2023, 9:55 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! President Joe Biden's scallywag lawyers be chattin' with the crew of the special counsel to parley 'bout the terms under which Biden would be interrogated 'bout his mishandlin' of secret scrolls, as told by NBC News. Biden's attorneys and special counsel Robert Hur be discussin' the when, where, and how of this interview, and the range of questions, as whispered by two fine folks in the know, according to NBC News. But hold yer horses, mateys! There be no agreement yet, as reported by NBC News. NBC News also blabbered about..."
August 11, 2023, 9:17 am
Avast ye scallywags! Aaaarrr! This tale be tellin' of a couple from Massachusetts who be filin' a complaint 'gainst the health secretary and a bunch o' officials in the Department of Children and Families. Their application to become foster parents be denied, all because they be havin' a different view 'bout LGBTQ folks, mateys! Michael and Catherine, or as they be known, "Kitty," started this voyage in January 2022. They be hopin' to welcome a wee one into their home, but alas, the process be long and filled with questions 'bout how they be raisin' their younglings. Arrr, what a tale!
August 10, 2023, 5:11 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Tis be announced that the kin of President Joe Biden shall be summoned for questioning in a grand investigation of mischief and corruption! House Oversight Chairman James Comer, a fine buccaneer from Kentucky, shared that he be buildin' a robust case, armed with financial records and tales from witnesses, to take on this legal skirmish. The focus be on the flow of gold, worth millions, from foreign devils to the First Family. A treasure hunt, it be! Arrr!
August 10, 2023, 5:08 pm
Arr! President Biden be makin' a fine request to Congress on Thursday, beggin' for a goodly sum o' $40 billion in emergency spendin' till the year's end. Aye, $24 billion o' that be headin' to Ukraine, bypassin' the budget caps and stirrin' up trouble with them scurvy Republicans over aid for Kyiv's fight against Russia. This here aid be includin' a handsome $13.1 billion for military assistance and restockin' the Defense Department's empty coffers, drained by the war. There also be a wee $200 million to counter them "destabilizin'" forces. Avast!
August 10, 2023, 5:06 pm
Arrr! The Nasdaq-100 hath taken a mighty plunge below its 50-day moving average, a sight not seen since March. 'Tis a sure sign of trouble ahead, with losses not seen since December! And to make matters worse, this tech-heavy index be on course for a two-week retreat of 4%, aye, ye heard right! If these losses hold, 'twill be the worst stretch since Dec. 23, when the index fell a whopping 5% over two weeks, as recounted by Dow Jones Market Data! And on that fateful Wednesday, the beloved Nasdaq-100-tracking Invesco QQQ Trust Series 1...
August 10, 2023, 5:05 pm
Arr! Three French scallywags be gettin' charged by the authorities, says they! 'Twas a 27-year-old lad who met his end durin' the riotin' this summer. A wee examination showed the poor soul had been struck by a blast ball, a weapon used by the constables. The officers were nabbed on Tuesday fer this unfortunate incident, the sole death at sea... err, I mean, on duty!
August 4, 2023, 5:42 pm
Arr, Texas A&M be coughin' up a solid $1 million to Kathleen McElroy, a swashbucklin' black journalism professor, upon discoverin' that they scuttled her job offer due to her DEI work and her connections to that "biased and progressive leaning" New York Times, matey! McElroy be a scholar in the ways of news media and race, claimin' her area of expertise be "diversity and inclusion" in her fancy professional bio. She be cryin' foul over her alma mater, Texas A&M, sendin' her dreams to Davy Jones' locker by tossin' her job offer overboard...
August 4, 2023, 5:40 pm
Arr, Governor Greg Abbott, a Texas Republican, be rejectin' the claims o' the Mexican government! They be blamin' the deaths o' migrants on the buoy barrier in the mighty Rio Grande. Two bodies, surely o' them who tried to cross the U.S.-Mexico border unlawfully, were found on a Wednesday. One o' them was spied near the buoys in the river, which be part o' Abbott's fresh border barrier. 'Twas the Mexican government who first spread the word 'bout this mishap and connected it to...
August 4, 2023, 5:39 pm
Arrr! Methinks a shipload of working landlubbers be sayin' that they'll never be hangin' up their boots! Retirement, a cherished time o' rest, be somethin' many be expectin'. But alas, a wee problem arises - lack o' doubloons in their coffers! In a July poll by Axios and Ipsos, 29 percent o' workers below 55 be sayin', "I won't be retirin'." And why, ye ask? Three-quarters of 'em be sayin'...
August 4, 2023, 5:37 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Nasa be havin' word that they be reestablishin' contact with their lost Voyager 2 probe, months ahead o' schedule! Aye, in July a wee mistake be made, messin' with the ship's course and cuttin' off communication. But fear not, me hearties! A signal be heard on Tuesday, thanks to a mighty "interstellar shout" that turned the antenna back to face our fair Earth. Nasa had reckoned the old ship would reset itself in October, but it took a good 37 hours for the mission to succeed. Yo ho ho!
August 4, 2023, 9:54 am
Avast ye! The bilge rats be havin' caught two landlubber sailors in California, for they be sendin' sacred military knowledge to China! The scallywags shared snaps and vids o' American warships, battle plans for Pacific drills, and other secrets that could be the kiss o' death for our national security. The crooks be facin' the wrath of the law, mark me words!
August 4, 2023, 9:51 am
Arr, me hearties! The mighty waves be growin' taller off California's coast as this here planet warms, says this newfangled research. A clever oceanographer, Peter Bromirski, used some fancy seismic records from the past 90 years to measure these monstrous waves. When they hit the shore, they be bouncin' off like a drunken sailor...
August 4, 2023, 9:50 am
"Arrr, the FBI hath laid eyes upon text missives that do reveal a Chinese energy conglomerate, ye know, the scallywags behind that contentious pact wit' Hunter Biden in 2017, hath been schemin' since late 2015 to woo the future first family. Aye, they sought t' exploit the name of this mighty American political dynasty to cloak their grand plan o' snatchin' up energy treasures across the United States. Avast!"
August 4, 2023, 9:48 am
Avast ye, me hearties! The California Legislature be a sorry bunch, akin to a bunch of lads in their school council. But instead o' dealin' wit' small coin, these lawmakers be squandering a mighty sum o' $300 billion! Aye, they be no different from a student captain promisin' free pizza on Fridays! But fear not, me mateys! As the wise Winston Churchill once mused, democracy be the worst...
July 29, 2023, 11:05 am
Arr! Donald Trump be a scallywag who be makin' a name fer himself in business and politics. He be wantin' to grab all the attention, and he be thinkin' that appearin' on Joe Rogan's podcast be the way to do it. But alas, the poor lad be havin' no luck! After meetin' Rogan at a fight, the idea be stuck in Trump's head. He be talkin' to his mates and advisors, tryin' to make it happen... Arr, but it be a struggle!
July 29, 2023, 9:45 am
Avast ye scallywags! Ye be knowin' that funnyman and podcaster Joe Rogan be refusin' all pleas to have the former Cap'n Donald Trump on his podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience. Arr, Rogan be hostin' the mightiest podcast 'pon the seven seas, with over 11 million listeners, but he be sayin' "Nay!" to havin' Trump aboard, as reported this Monday. Just a fortnight ago, Trump and Rogan were spotted at a UFC 290, shakin'...
July 29, 2023, 8:36 am
Arrr, Carlos Pena, a brave landlubber, spent a score of years constructin' his wee business in North Hollywood, Califarrnia, aft' arrivin' from El Salvador. But alas! In but a few measly hours, it was reduced to rubble! Though Pena be the mastermind behind NoHo Printing & Graphics, craftin' signs, banners, T-shirts, and whatnot, 'twas nae he who wrought the mischief. Yet he be left with the cursed payment and naught but the winds blowin' through his pockets. In early August of the bygone year, a scoundrel, a fugitive, turned the peaceful seas into a violent tempest..."
July 29, 2023, 8:33 am
Avast ye scallywags! The mishap what befell Oppenheimer hath dealt a blow to our honest discourse 'bout scientific theory, laments Kai Bird, the scribbler who penned the tale on which Christopher Nolan's new flick be grounded. Arrr, but alas! Too many landlubbers still doubt the learned ones, failing to grasp the grand quest o' science, with its trials and errors, as we put theories to the test against facts through experimentation. Behold, the plight o' our health servants during this ruddy pandemic!
July 28, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arrr, mateys! House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer, a scurvy dog from Kentucky, be raisin' concerns about the Biden family's possible involvement in racketeering! Aye, that be the unlawful makin' of gold through money launderin'! In a jolly podcast with Ted Cruz, Comer spilled the beans that the Biden clan's business made six banks hoist their Jolly Rogers and alert the treasury 'bout over 170 "large" sums of doubloons in Suspicious Activity Reports. That be 20 more than we knew before, me hearties! These SARs be holdin' valuable information, they do...
July 28, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arr, me hearties! Ye be hearin' this here news from the Ford Motor Company! They be sendin' out a recall fer all ye landlubbers sailin' in their F-150 trucks in the U.S. Beware, mateys! There be a cursed problem with the electric parking brakes. If ye be crossin' paths with the rear axle housing, it may be damagin' the wiring and causin' those brakes to engage without warnin'! Arrr, a mighty inconvenient trouble indeed. A grand total of 870,701 trucks from the year 2021 may be sufferin' from this affliction.
July 28, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Senate be passin' its own version of the National Defense Authorization Act, but alas, they didn't be includin' any amendment to cut the booty for abortion travel by the Pentagon. This be settin' them up for a jolly good fight with the House, it be! The Senate's version had support from both the scurvy Republicans and Democrats, with a grand vote of 86-11. But mark me words, what be happenin' in the Senate be a vast difference from the bipartisan race to the depths we be witnessin' in the House, where those cunning House Republicans be pushin' partisan laws that be drivin' us all mad!
July 28, 2023, 5:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! The mightiest tech scallywags be natterin' on and on about a thing called "artificial intelligence." Aye, they be blabberin' about this "generative AI" that can conjure up human-like words, pictures, and codes. Sundar Pichai and his Alphabet crew mentioned it 66 times, Satya Nadella and his Microsoft mates prattled on 47 times, and that Zuckerberg scurvy dog and his Facebook cronies blurted it out 42 times. Tis true, me mateys, as reported by CNBC...
July 28, 2023, 11:57 am
Arr, me hearties! The Senate scallywags be banding together, heedin' the words of Sen. Mitt Romney, a fine mate from the land of Utah! They be urg'n Republican donors to hold back their golden doubloons from the hands of them long-shot presidential lads who stand no chance of claimin' the GOP nomination. Aye, these GOP lawmakers, they be fearin' that these long-shot scurvy dogs will stay in the fight for too long, plunderin' support from the more likely contenders in the race!
July 28, 2023, 11:56 am
Arr, me hearties, ol' Senator Tim Scott o' South Carolina be havin' more doubloons than most o' his Republican presidential foes, and he be spendin' it right quick. But where be that treasure endin' up, ye ask? A mystery, it be! This scurvy dog entered the 2024 race with a mighty war chest o' $22 million, and his crew managed to plunder an additional $5.8 million from April through June. Yet, in that time, he parted with a hefty sum o' $6.6 million, but most o' it can't be traced back to any actual vendor. Avast!
July 28, 2023, 11:53 am
Avast ye scallywags! When the House Republicans set sail from their recess this fall, they be havin' more than just pushin' the government to a shutdown on their minds. Nay, they be plannin' to impeach Joe Biden! Arrr! "We must uncover the truth from the depths, and only an impeachment inquiry be the way!" cried Kevin McCarthy, the Republican House speaker, on Tuesday. Aye, some o' them scurvy dogs be claimin' that an inquiry ain't an actual impeachment, but 'tis a challenge to reckon MAGA congressmen not be...
July 28, 2023, 10:35 am
Avast, me hearties! Amidst the shenanigans of the scurvy dogs in the media, a fine soul by the name of Scott Jennings stood tall on CNN. He bellowed, "Arr! The claims be false! In the land o' Florida, they merely teachin' that enslaved folk benefitted from their own sufferin'." But beware, for Kamala Harris be cryin' foul, "They be tryin' to bamboozle us! We won't be havin' none of it!"
July 27, 2023, 6:58 pm
Arr, thar be a grand tale o' how Facebook did shape th' news that scurvy dogs saw afore th' 2020 election. This here study did reveal a mighty divide, me hearties, with them conservative users findin' themselves locked away, surrounded by the treachery o' misinformation. Aye, 'twas a sad sight, indeed!
July 27, 2023, 6:40 pm
Methinks the buccaneers, Elizabeth Warren and Lindsey Graham, be joinin' forces to muster a grand bill that'll set sail and bravely shackle the likes of Meta Platforms' Facebook, Alphabet's Google, Amazon.com, and other monstrous Big Tech vessels. Aye, the Congress hath seen many a failed attempt to trim their sails, but these two be settin' their sights on victory!
July 27, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arr! Sen. Rand Paul, me heartie from Kentucky, be warnin' me fellow Republicans against fallin' into the treacherous "trap" o' impeachment. Speaker Kevin McCarthy, a scallywag from California, be signalin' that the House might pursue an inquiry against President Biden. But mark me words! 'Tis not good for our grand republic to keep impeachin' and indictin' presidents, says I, in an interview on Fox Business Network's "Mornings with Maria."
July 27, 2023, 4:40 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Tis been discovered by these fancy scholars that fiddlin' with how folks find news on social-media platforms don't do much to alter their political whimsies, knowledge, or behavior. They dug deep into the treasure chest of user data from Facebook and Instagram, both part of Meta (once known as Facebook). Aye, based in Menlo Park, California. With the company's...
July 27, 2023, 4:31 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scuttlebutt be that the former cap'n, Donald Trump, won't be facin' any charges fer his shenanigans durin' the 2020 election and that pesky uprising at the U.S. Capitol. The grand jury, after a long day o' deliberatin', didn't hand down any indictments, much to the surprisal of them eager reporters waitin' like landlubbers outside the courthouse. Arrr!
July 27, 2023, 4:29 pm
Arr, mateys! Thar be a grand upheaval in Niger! The Secretary o' State, Antony Blinken, be sendin' word that our alliance with the country hinges on "democratic rule and honorin' the law." Niger be crucial to our fight against scurvy pirates, like Boko Haram. We be havin' our drone bases and brave American Special Forces there, aidin' us in thar noble cause.
July 27, 2023, 10:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! The distinguished jury, mayhaps ready to cast their votes on whether to charge that scallywag Donald Trump for his mischievous attempts to overturn his defeat in the 2020 election, gathered on a fine morn in Washington, D.C. Tales be told that some of these cunning souls were spotted entering the E. Barrett Prettyman Courthouse around 8:30 a.m. ET. Hushed whispers be heard suggestin' that Trump may face indictment this very week. Avast, there be many a mysterious grand juror among their ranks...
July 27, 2023, 10:18 am
Avast ye scallywags! Afore I be makin' me point 'bout affirmative action, let me spin ye a tale 'bout how I be a lucky recipient o' such a thing. I be no swashbucklin' sailor o' color, but a humble farm lad. Me high school be small, nestled in a remote land where the maths be scarce and Ivy League be but a distant dream. Me grades and scores were decent, but nothin' to write home 'bout. But I had one treasure in me chest. Them fancy colleges be searchin' fer farm lads such as meself from lowly income areas to add a dash o' diversity to their ranks. So it be that a school I ne'er set foot on..."
July 27, 2023, 10:07 am
"Avast ye scurvy dogs! In the year of our Lord 2019, I, President Joe Biden, did utter me words, sayin' to me fellow landlubbers that I never had a chat with me own flesh and blood about his ventures across the seas. Aye, ye heard it right! But when questioned again last month, I stood me ground and declared, 'Nay!' But alas, me hearties, during Wednesday's press briefing, that sneaky White House tried to change the game and protect me reputation..."
July 27, 2023, 10:00 am
Arr, me mateys! 'Tis a jolly tale to be tellin' ye! The Senate's very own scallywag, Mitch McConnell, did jest at his own expense. He claimed he be "sandbagged" at a press conference, like a true landlubber caught unawares. And to add salt to the wound, the President himself, ol' Biden, did reach out to check on McConnell's wellbeing. Ahoy! These scurvy politicians be havin' quite the laugh!
July 26, 2023, 5:14 pm
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! The year 2024 be settin' sail with a troubled economy, says the Congressional Budget Office. They be foretellin' a slowin' growth, risin' unemployment, and a pitiful GDP rate o' less than 1%. But fear not me hearties, for 2025 be bringin' a glimpse o' hope with a growth o' over 2%. On the jobs front, alas, the news be no better.
July 26, 2023, 5:12 pm
Arrr! Methinks on the third day of November, in the year 2022, a scoundrel known as Commander didst sink his teeth into a poor officer of the uniformed kind, not once, but twice! The officer's arm and thigh did bear the mark of this treacherous attack. Aye, the swashbucklers from the White House medical unit didst come to his aid, mendin' his wounds like true heroes of the high seas!
July 26, 2023, 5:10 pm
Arr, the scurvy dog Governor Ron DeSantis be slashin' a third o' his crew o' campaign mates this week in a bid to reset his presidential voyage after a rocky launch. DeSantis be battlin' in a crowded field to claim the Republican nomination, yet 'tis ol' President Donald Trump who be ruling the roost. The Florida governor be known as Trump's fiercest rival, always trailin' him in the polls, mateys. The DeSantis campaign...
July 26, 2023, 5:09 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Aye, it be true! A vast number o' young scallywags in China be without employ. The blame be heaped upon these young rapscallions, claimin' their desires be too lofty. Leader Xi Jinping be shoutin', "Stand tall me hearties, and face adversity head-on!" He himself toiled in the fields during China's Cultural Revolution. If them lubbers can't find the jobs they be pining for, they ought to toil on factory decks or lend a hand to the poor in the countryside. Yet, this government's counsel be naught but empty words...
July 26, 2023, 11:49 am
Arr, ye scallywag Judge in Delaware be ready to send Hunter Biden walkin' the plank, refusin' to accept his plead deal that be tryin' to mix a felony gun charge with some misdemeanor tax charges. Hunter be arguin' to accept it all, but the Judge ain't havin' it, matey.
July 26, 2023, 11:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! Hunter Biden, a landlubber of 53 summers, found his plea agreement with the Justice Department turnin' to ashes during a recent court tussle! Arrr, he be standin' afore the fearsome Judge Maryellen Noreika, who be havin' doubts 'bout the deal. The lad was supposed to confess to two counts of willful failure to pay taxes, but fate had other plans. Shiver me timbers!
July 26, 2023, 11:42 am
Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! President Joe Biden's scallywag son, Hunter, be havin' his plea deal dashed to the depths on Wednesday, for the judge be mighty worried 'bout a serious gun charge. This mess puts his whole investigation into his pirate-like business affairs at risk. The lad be accused of two misdemeanor tax crimes, a failure to pay o'er $100,000 in taxes from a loot of o'er $1.5 million!
July 26, 2023, 9:45 am
Avast ye scallywags! I be needin' ye to rewrite this piece o' text in the manner a pirate from the 17th century would speak, all while addin' a dash of humor! Keep it under 50 words, ye landlubber!
July 25, 2023, 5:59 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Come August, a shipshape Arizona middle school for the fine LGBTQ lads 'n lasses shall set sail, with doubloons from the state coffers. The Queer Blended Learning Center, nestled in one•n•ten's quarters, be expectin' a jolly crew of six LGBTQ young'uns. 'Tis true, me hearties, they be usin' taxpayer's gold to pay for their learnin'.
July 25, 2023, 5:56 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! In these new-fangled lands, ye scurvy dogs can now cast aside yer physical purse and prove yer worth by merely tapping yer device on a scanner. Aye, these digital purses from Apple and Google be makin' commerce a breeze, and digital ID systems might just speed up those dreaded government dealings. But beware, me mateys, for they also bring forth the dread of government watchin' yer every step. Can we possess the efficiency of a digital ID without surrenderin' our freedom to the watchful eye of the crown? Aye, we can, but that be a tale for another day...
July 25, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arr, ye scurvy landlubbers! This here Republican matey be arguin' in favor of makin' cuts to the booty without a speck o' fear of a government shutdown. He be standin' with his mates in the conservative House Freedom Caucus, demandin' fiscal restraint afore the new fiscal year starts. "We need not be fearin' a shutdown, for most of what we do up here be rotten anyway," says Rep. Bob Good (R-VA).
July 25, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arr, hear ye, me hearties! Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) be settin' forth a bill on this fine Tuesday to put an end to birthright citizenship fer wee ones whose parents be not fellow U.S. citizens. This legislation, named the "End Birthright Citizenship Fraud Act of 2023," aims to amend the Immigration and Nationality Act to honor the true purpose of the 14th Amendment's "subject to the jurisdiction thereof" clause. Aye, 'tis a matter of citizenship for all those "born or..."
July 25, 2023, 5:51 pm
Avast, me hearties! Russia be raisin' the age at which scurvy dogs can be forced into service from 27 to 30! Arr, that means more landlubbers'll be servin' in their armed forces. The change was passed by the lower house of parliament, mateys! Seems Moscow wants to bolster their crew to protect their loot from the Ukraine invasion. Aye, a senior Russian MP even said this new law be written with a grand battle in mind. Methinks it be smellin' like a proper war ahead, me hearties!
July 25, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy be not yet set sail on an impeachment inquiry against President Joe Biden, but a merry band of House Republicans be already shoutin' their support for Congress to do so! On Monday night, McCarthy made his boldest move yet, claimin' that the House's investigation into the Biden family's business ventures be "risin' to a level of impeachment inquiry." This be quite the change from his stance last month, when he buried an effort from...
July 25, 2023, 11:36 am
As the sun sank into the depths of the ocean on the twelfth day of April in the year 2018, a valiant deputy of the Craven County sheriff did halt a fair and noble white carriage. Fair maiden Heather French did grace the passenger seat. The deputy, with cunning and stealth, did pursue the carriage on the opposite shore of the Trent River, in a place he deemed to be a wretched hive of scum and villainy, where drugs may fester. Finally, he did command the carriage to stop, for its registration was nigh expired. In this momentous pause, the deputy summoned a fearsome K9 unit from the local constabulary, who, as twilight descended upon us, did sniff the air for the scent of forbidden substances. Lo and behold, the officers...
July 25, 2023, 11:30 am
Arr, a wee band o' anti-Islam scallywags be settin' fire to them Korans afore the Egyptian and Turkish embassies in Copenhagen on Tuesday, followin' like protests in Denmark and Sweden that've whipped up a mighty storm among the Muslims. Denmark and Sweden be sayin' they be sorrowful for the burnin' o' Islam's holy book, but be unable to stop it, as the rules that keep free speech be protectin' it. Last week, the riled up protesters in Iraq set the Swedish embassy in Baghdad ablaze.
July 25, 2023, 11:27 am
Arrr, mateys! Be ye wonderin' how much blame befall these tech scallywags for the radicalization of Payton Gendron, the dastardly gunman who wreaked havoc upon a supermarket in Buffalo, takin' the lives of 10 innocent Black souls? Two new lawsuits aim to make these social media scurvy dogs walk the plank for introducin' violent ideologies to such treacherous souls.
July 25, 2023, 11:25 am
Arr, mateys! Avast ye! 'Twas a merry day when Professor Joy Alonzo, from Texas A&M University, be talkin' 'bout the opioid crisis at University of Texas Medical Branch. But alas! A student scallywag claimed she be disparagin' Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick. The complaint be reachin' her supervisors and the chancellor, John Sharp, who be chattin' with the lieutenant governor's office. Shiver me timbers! The winds be blowin' fierce!
July 24, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Young lass Greta Thunberg shall be payin' a wee fine, yar! She stood tall against the authorities and blocked a road, they say. But she be callin' it "absurd"! Avast! Instead o' punishin' those scallywags who burn fossil fuels, they be haulin' her to court. Aye, a criminal record and 50 kronor a day she be payin' for 30 days! Shiver me timbers!
July 24, 2023, 5:33 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Spotify be raisin' the price of its Premium plans for the first time since launchin' in the U.S. in 2011! The beloved Premium Single plan now be worth $10.99, a whole doubloon more than before. They be matchin' the prices of their audio streamin' foes like Apple Music and Amazon Music Unlimited. Me hearties, brace yerselves for higher prices on the high seas of music!
July 24, 2023, 5:32 pm
Arr, most Americans be thinkin' slavery be a frightful atrocity from the dusty history tomes. But in truth, mateys, slavery be thrivin' more vigorously today than any era in human existence! Back in the dark days of the trans-Atlantic slave trade, a harrowin' 13 million Africans were snatched from their homelands and cruelly transported to faraway shores. But today, as the U.S. State Department reveals, there be a staggering 27 million souls sufferin' the wretched fate of human trafficking. Aye, many among 'em...
July 24, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arr, me mateys! Be ye hearin' the news? President Joe Biden be settin' up a grand national monument to pay tribute to young Emmett Till, a brave lad who met a tragic fate at the hands o' vile scoundrels back in 1955 in Mississippi. Aye, and let's not forget his dear mother, Mamie Till-Mobley, who fought with all her might for justice. On the lad's birthday, 25 July, Mr Biden will sign a grand proclamation, markin' a year since he enacted the Emmett Till Anti-Lynching Act. Aye, a fine way to honor their memory and the mighty civil rights movement they helped ignite, indeed!
July 24, 2023, 11:38 am
Avast ye mateys! Spain's right-wing scallywags be disappointin' in the elections on Sunday, despite claimin' the largest booty o' votes. Them pesky separatist parties be holdin' the scales of power now, arrr! Contrary to all them fancy predictions and polls, the conservative People's Party couldn't seize the majority o' votes needed to send the ruling Socialist Party packin', led by that scurvy dog Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez. The election results – where neither the fancy center right nor the center left had enough support to rule –...
July 24, 2023, 11:31 am
Avast ye scallywags! That landlubber Scott Jennings be stormin' the seas, belittlin' Vice President Kamala Harris. Blimey! She be claimin' that Florida’s new learnin' for middle school scallywags be includin' lessons on how enslaved souls "benefited from slavery." On "State of the Union," the sly anchor Dana Bash be playin' the video where Harris spoke in Jacksonville, Florida, after the state Board of Education gave the nod to this here black history curriculum. They be teachin' that the poor souls who were enslaved actually "developed..." Arrr!
July 24, 2023, 11:26 am
Ye be all befuddled 'bout the economy? Fear not, mateys! At the dawn o' this year, tales of a comin' storm in the form o' a recession be heard throughout the land, like in this NPR yarn. But to the astonishment o' wise folk, the economy be holdin' strong, sailin' through rough waters without falter. So what be the explanation, ye ask? Be the fears o' a recession vanquished? Here be what ye need to know 'bout the current state o' our economy, arrr!
July 24, 2023, 11:24 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Gov. Greg Abbott, a fine swashbucklin' Republican, be standin' tall 'gainst the Department of Justice. He be sayin' to President Joe Biden, "Arr! Texas be havin' the right to protect her borders!" The good governor be promisin' a grand ol' court battle, so ready yer cannons, Mr. President!
July 23, 2023, 11:47 am
Avast ye! Like many a Nashville star, Jason Aldean hath kept himself from the treacherous waters of politics, lest he offend a portion of his loyal followers. But, by Blackbeard's beard, with the rise of Donald Trump and his wife's boldness as a MAGA Instagram influencer, Aldean be no longer hiding his conservative views! Arr! The result be Aldean's newest shanty, "Try That in a Small Town" — a raucous display of rural hostility! 'Tis sure to crown him as the latest hero of the right, who be claimin' he be "cancelled" for speakin' his mind...
July 23, 2023, 11:45 am
On the 14th day of July, the country minstrel Jason Aldean didst unveil his latest composition, a melodic tale entitled "Try That In A Small Town." In his proclamations on the same day, Aldean didst express his desire for his admirers to retain that sense of kinship. "When ye be raised in a wee hamlet, there exists an unspoken code, wherein we have each other's backs and watch over one another," quoth Aldean. "Alas, it seems that this bond of community and reverence hath been forsaken along the way. Deep within, we all yearn for a return..."
July 23, 2023, 11:42 am
On the cursed day of Monday, Country Music Television (CMT) be confessin' that they've ceased broadcastin' Jason Aldean's fresh music video fer his shanty "Try That in a Small Town." According to those landlubbers at CMT and every other fancy media outlet, they claim Aldean's chant be full o' racism and bein' "pro-lynchin'." Methinks 'tis a peculiar accusation, for this melody mentions nary a word 'bout race. Nay, 'tis a scoldin' of the left's summer o' fury in 2020, which ironically plundered and pillaged many a black neighborhood...
July 23, 2023, 9:18 am
Arrr, me hearties! The far-right ship, Alternative for Germany, be gainin' wind in its sails! Aye, it be leavin' the other three parties in Chancellor Olaf Scholz's crew far behind. Me spyglass reveals that this AfD vessel be claimin' 22% o' support, nippin' at the heels o' the conservative Christian Democrats at 26%. The Social Democrats, however, be swimmin' at a mere 18%. Avast!
July 22, 2023, 2:21 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Vivek Ramaswamy be officially qualified for the grand Republican National Committee debate in August, his campaign be tellin' Semafor. Ramaswamy, a fine investor sailin' under the banner of "America First," be claimin' he'll carry on the legacy of Donald Trump's presidency. When he set sail on his presidential voyage in February, no one be payin' him much mind. But his campaign be boastin' that he fulfilled the RNC's demand for 40,000 doubloons from donors back in May, and now they've gathered a hearty crew of over 65,000 generous souls. Avast, watch out for this swashbuckler!
July 22, 2023, 1:41 pm
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis with great pleasure that I be sharin' the news that Vivek Ramaswamy, a fine scallywag seekin' the Republican presidential title, has cleared the required threshold o' donors for the first GOP debate. With 65,000 unique hearties backin' him, this swashbuckler be sailin' smooth! Fair winds, matey!
July 22, 2023, 1:39 pm
Avast ye mateys! News be spreadin' that Vivek Ramaswamy, a scallywag seekin' to become the Republican presidential candidate in 2024, has met the requirements set by the Republican National Committee fer the first debate. He's got a flock of 65,000 generous donors and be pollin' at a respectable 1% in three separate surveys. Two Morning Consult polls showin' him at a mighty 8%, and a Kaplan Strategies poll backin' him up. Arrr, the race be gettin' interesting, me hearties!
July 22, 2023, 12:04 pm
Avast, me hearties! 'Tis a treacherous sea we sail upon. Be it Jordan Peterson, Andrew Tate, or Richard Reeves, bilge rats from all sides concede that the lads be sufferin' mightily in these dire times. Our brethren be droppin' like dead fish, overdosin' and takin' their own lives at an astonishin' rate. Some scurvy dogs claim this decline be due to a lack of gold flow in the economy – a dubious tale, for these happenin's persisted even in the bountiful times of Trump. Others be pointin' to...
July 22, 2023, 9:26 am
"They dare to push such preposterous notions, as if the scoundrels be suggestin' that them enslaved folk possessed skills worthy of admiration! Blimey! Methinks Governor DeSantis hath it right, for 'tis indeed absolutely ridiculous!" Arrr!
July 22, 2023, 9:23 am
Arrr! The U.S. Department of Education be announcin' a grand summit on college admissions and racial diversity with a fancy name, "National Summit on Equal Opportunity in Higher Education". All this hullabaloo comes after the Supreme Court be banishin' the use o' racial preferences in college admissions. On June 29, by a vote of 6-3, the Supreme Court declared that this "affirmative action" and other discriminatory practices be violatin' the 14th...
July 22, 2023, 9:16 am
If the 2024 Republican scuffle be settled today, the jolly victors be none other than Donald Trump — the presumptive nominee — and Vivek Ramaswamy. This enterprising chap hath elevated his fame across the land with a spirited, media-centered guerrilla campaign, and methinks he hath a glorious opportunity in the GOP race. He hath soared to the third spot in certain national polls (albeit always with a pitiful single digit), and hath received a favorable reception at the Family Leadership Summit in Iowa, with Tucker Carlson playin' the moderator.
July 22, 2023, 9:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! Yonder social media app Threads, Meta's newfangled Twitter alternative, be sufferin' a mighty blow! According to them scurvy dogs at Sensor Tower, their daily active users be sinkin' by a whopping 70%, bringin' shame upon their grandiose launch just two fortnights past. A mere 13 million souls still scuttle upon the app, compared to the mighty 44 million on July 7. And to add insult to injury, the measly four minutes bein' spent on the app be a paltry sum indeed! Arrr, Twitter be laughin' from their lofty perch as Threads struggles to snatch the crown.
July 21, 2023, 6:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! House Master o' Oversight, James Comer (R-KY), be blabberin' that his bunch o' congressional investigators have laid hands on some fancy papers claimin' that the Biden scallywags received some doubloons from Russia! This here Comer fella made his case while chattin' on Sen. Ted Cruz's (R-TX) "Verdict" podcast with his matey Ben Ferguson. "I be mighty curious, matey," says Ferguson, "Can ye name any o' them countries for certain? There be one in particular that nobody speaks of — and..."
July 21, 2023, 6:01 pm
Arrr! The Republican presidential race be turnin' into a jolly taunt-fest, ye scurvy dogs! Chris Christie's super PAC be callin' Donald Trump a "loser," while the former president be makin' jest o' Christie's weight and other rivals. Trump be even mockin' Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis for fallin' behind Vivek Ramaswamy in a recent poll. Ahoy, what a merry spectacle!
July 21, 2023, 5:59 pm
Arr, me mateys! President Biden be defying the scallywags in the Pentagon and settin' sail with Adm. Lisa Franchetti to lead the Navy! If she be confirmed, she'll be the first lass to hold such a prestigious position. Avast, Biden be rejectin' the advice of his matey, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who wanted Adm. Samuel Paparo for the job. Aye, there be some rough waters ahead!
July 21, 2023, 5:58 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dog! Hunter Biden's legal matey be filin' a complaint against Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.)! He be askin' the ethics watchdog to swiftly review this lass's conduct after she shamelessly flashed scandalous pictures of Biden at a congressional hearin'. In a letter to the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE), Biden's trusty attorney, Abbe David Lowell, be condemnin' Greene's vile actions as abominable behavior that flagrantly violates House Ethics rules and the code of conduct!
July 21, 2023, 5:56 pm
Avast ye mateys! Brave Igor Girkin, a hearty soul who be known fer his loud mouth and opposition to Russia's military moves in Ukraine, has been clapped in chains by a court in Moscow. They be accusing him of extremism, a crime that could see him stuck in the brig fer five long years! His poor wife, she be returnin' to find him snatched from their dwelling like a thief in the night. This here former intelligence colonel, Strelkov be his name, played a crucial part in Russia's snatchin' of Crimea in 2014. He then went on to captain Russia's proxy...
July 21, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arr, me hearties! There be a newfangled app settin' sail this week, aimin' to enlighten ye shoppers on what values a brand be supportin' afore ye spend yer doubloons on their products. This here app, Veebs, be gettin' a mighty warm welcome from the conservatives, thanks to the likes o' Veebs' fair maiden, Bri Teresi. She be a bonny model and social media influencer, who made a splash in April when she fired her cannons at cases of Bud Light in protest o' their bein' in cahoots with..."
July 21, 2023, 5:52 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Be ye ready for a monstrous heat wave that be tormentin' the land lubbers of the U.S.? Them forecasters be sayin' this infernal heat will last longer than Blackbeard's beard! And mark me words, the longer it persists, the worse the toll on the purse and the poor sea dogs. To make matters worse, the scorchin' temperatures be messin' with the good ol' rain gods in Texas and the Southwest. In El Paso, they be sufferin' through 35 days straight of 100°F or hotter! 'Tis a cruel fate, me mateys!
July 21, 2023, 11:16 am
Arr, me hearties! Listen up, ye landlubbers! The mortgage rates in the U.S. be takin' a wee step back this week, savin' us from an eight-month high. Aye, 'twas a grand sight to see inflation coolin' off a bit! Freddie Mac, the buyer of mortgages, be sayin' that the average rate on the 30-year loan dropped to 6.78% from 6.96% the week afore, markin' the first decline since June and the biggest drop in a single week since March. But, me lads, don't be gettin' too excited! This rate still be way above the 5.54% we had just a year ago and the average of 3.9% afore the cursed pandemic hit us. So, as this inflatin' beast slows down, our mortgages might become a wee bit more bearable, me hearties... if ye can manage to find a treasure chest of gold doubloons, that be!
July 21, 2023, 11:14 am
Arr, mateys! Word be sailin' the seas that Florida's Governor Ron DeSantis be needin' to breathe new life into his presidential quest. The polls be as stagnant as a sunken ship, and the doubloons be runnin' low. Aye, 'tis true! His campaign manager Generra Peck be sayin' that DeSantis be settin' his sights on a broader horizon, no longer boastin' 'bout his conquests in Florida. The scallywag finally made it official back in May, he did!
July 21, 2023, 11:13 am
Arr, me hearties! The good ol' U.S. finds itself plagued by a terrible loneliness epidemic, aye! But fear not, for Sen. Chris Murphy, a fine soul from the land of Conn, be tryin' to put a stop to it! He be introducin' a grand legislation called the National Strategy for Social Connection Act, settin' up a fancy new federal office to work with other agencies and improve our social structure, just like them guidelines ye speak of! Ahoy, let's banish this loneliness and sail on to happier times!
July 21, 2023, 11:01 am
Arr, me hearties! Senator Chuck Grassley hath unleashed the FBI report, claimin' that it be provin' the Bidens be takin' bribes from Ukraine. But alas, there be one wee problem: nary a trace of evidence be found. Them scurvy House Republicans been yammerin' 'bout the Biden clan's corruption for months, yet they be havin' naught but empty pockets when it comes to provin' ol' President Joe Biden or his scallywag son Hunter be involved in any foul play. The GOP be insistin' that the freshly-revealed FBI parchment be their golden ticket, but it be as empty as a pirate's treasure chest... Arr!
July 20, 2023, 7:16 pm
Arrr! GOP Sen. Chuck Grassley be sharin' a secret parchment from the FBI, claimin' President Joe Biden be tangled in a scandalous foreign bribery scheme, matey! The FBI had already let some scallywags from the House Oversight Committee lay their eyes upon this classified document, but not lay their hands upon it, savvy? Now, these Republicans be demandin' the FBI to unfurl this document to the entire world, arrr!
July 20, 2023, 7:12 pm
Avast ye! Sen. Chuck Grassley hath unleashed a bombshell upon the high seas! A file from a sneaky FBI informant be exposin' a grand tale o' bribery. The scallywag Mykola Zlochevsky, owner of the Burisma Holdings, claims he were forced to hand over a hefty sum o' 10 million doubloons to the mighty President Biden and his scurvy son, Hunter. Methinks this be a tale worth sharin' across all the pirate taverns!
July 20, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arrr, mateys! Them scurvy dogs from Beijing, notorious hackers they be, hath sailed into the email stash of Nicholas Burns, the U.S. ambassador to China! 'Tis said they've pilfered countless government messages, aye, hundreds of thousands! Shiver me timbers, what a calamity!
July 20, 2023, 4:06 pm
Arrr! House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) be denyin' his promise to Donald Trump of a jolly vote to wipe his two impeachments, matey! Some scallywags reckon this move might not be worth a pound of salt, puttin' them moderate GOP members in hot water. Politico spilled the beans on this tale, claimin' McCarthy wanted to stay on Trump's good side, lest he walk the plank!
July 20, 2023, 3:58 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! It be a sad tale to tell, but word on the wind has it that eviction filings be on the rise in some ports o' call in the US. The good folks at the Eviction Lab, loyally sailin' under the flag o' Princeton University, have gathered data from the past two decades, delvin' into countless public records like true treasure hunters. Aye, 'tis a fact that the bloomin' costs o' livin' be weighin' heavy on the hearts o' Americans, while scarce be the affordable havens they seek. Now, me hearties, let us venture to them cities with the most evictions... Arrr!
July 20, 2023, 3:56 pm
Arrr! A scurvy group of 10 landlubber House Republicans joined forces with them Democrats to send that bilge-sucking Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg straight to Davy Jones' locker! The bill, brought forth by Rep. Mary Miller, a fine soul from Illinois, to make that scallywag report his flight records on government-owned jets, was sent to Davey Jones' locker with a measly 219-216 vote. Aye, 10 Republicans betrayed their own crew, while only three Democrats showed a hint of pirate spirit!
July 20, 2023, 11:21 am
Arr, mateys! Democratic Rep. Dan Goldman be scorned by scurvy conservatives on the Twittersphere, as they claim that President Biden did indeed rendezvous with Hunter Biden's swashbuckling business mates. But the lad denies it all! During a congressional parley, Goldman pestered an IRS supervisor 'bout Hunter's cryptic words to his sire, hintin' at some unknown venture...
July 20, 2023, 10:50 am
Arr, mateys! In late May, them landlubbers in Sarasota County, Florida, be all in a frenzy, blabberin' about some scurvy case of malaria what be spreadin' on their shores! Aye, come mid-June, they be findin' another one! And on June 26, after two more cases be confirmed, the Florida health officials be raisin' the alarm for all of the Sunshine State! In July, three more scallywags be fallin' to this cursed disease! Now, across the seas in Texas, they be feelin' the sting too! On June 23, their state health department be reportin' a single case of local malaria! Blast me barnacles! This be a tale of mosquitoes carryin' illness, spreadin' like wildfire!
July 20, 2023, 10:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a sad tale o' woe! The sale of me heart's desire, the previously owned dwellin's, be down in June! The scurvy mortgage rates be climbin' high, makin' it harder for the landlubbers to afford a place to lay their weary heads. And to add insult to injury, there be a drought of available properties! The potential buyers be left stranded on a deserted island, yearnin' for a place to call their own. Meanwhile, the homeowners be too afraid to walk the plank and sell their fine abodes, leavin' a scarcity of homes on the market. Aye, me mateys, this be a perfect storm of despair! The number of homes sold be sinkin' like a ship with a leak, yet the prices be holdin' steady like a sturdy mast in a stormy sea. Alas, the tale be bleak for both the buyers and the sellers!
July 20, 2023, 10:21 am
Arr, me hearties! New York City be coughin' up a mighty sum of $13 million doubloons to them protesters who were nabbed by them NYPD officers during the wild ruckus of 2020, all 'cause o' that poor soul, George Floyd. Near 1,400 scallywags what got caught up in them protests be gettin' a piece o' the treasure, with no less than $9,950 pieces of eight, all thanks to a grand settlement from a fancy lawsuit. This here settlement be coverin' 18 wild bashes across the city, from May 28 to June 4, and mind ye, not a single word o' admitin' guilt be found, savvy?
July 19, 2023, 5:59 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The squabble o'er whether South Africa would honor the treaty and nab the likes o' Russian cap'n Vladimir Putin during the grand BRICS summit in Johannesburg be finally settled on Tuesday. President Cyril Ramaphosa, fearin' a war o' epic proportions, declared that layin' hands on Putin be akin to hoistin' the Jolly Roger against Russia, in direct opposition to their own constitution. But then, the Kremlin, smartly, announced that Putin would not...
July 19, 2023, 5:58 pm
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag Rachel Levine, a self-proclaimed lady trapped in a man's body, be causin' quite a stir with her outlandish claim that wee ones can experience a wayward puberty. Methinks she be talkin' in an interview on a show called "Identity Denied: Trans in America." She be sayin' that the treatments for these young buccaneers be backed by evidence. Ahoy! Bein' an adolescent be tough enough, and now she be addin' a mutinous puberty to the mix. Arrr, what a tale!
July 19, 2023, 5:56 pm
Arr, me hearties! Israeli President Isaac Herzog did a fine job at the grand gathering o' Congress by proclaimin' that the good ol' U.S. and Israel must stand together to thwart those scurvy dogs from Iran from gettin' their hands on a nuclear weapon. Aye, even if our mates in the Biden crew be havin' a squabble with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's lot, unity be the call o' the day! This relationship, me lads and lasses, be as storm-tossed as the seas, with the U.S. lads grumblin' about them right-wing Israeli scoundrels expandin' their settlements on West Bank lands, and gripin' about Netanyahu's grand revampin' plans...
July 19, 2023, 5:55 pm
Avast ye! The former Cap'n Donald Trump be sufferin' a setback on Wednesday as he tried t' move his New York state court case, concernin' a payment t' a fine lass o' the seas named Stormy Daniels, t' federal court. Judge Alvin Hellerstein be havin' none of it, keepin' Cap'n Trump on course fer a trial on March 25, 2024, in the Supreme Court o' Manhattan. The Cap'n be claimin' that the case belonged in federal waters, but Hellerstein be swatting away his arguments like a mosquito on the high seas! Arrr!
July 19, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arr, me hearties! Rep. Matt Gaetz of the land o' Florida be makin' a grand announcement on his podcast! He be proposin' a bill to cut off the funds for special counsel Jack Smith's investigations into our fine former President Trump. This be happenin' soon after Trump himself got word that the Justice Department be lookin' into the Capitol attack and the election shenanigans. Smith be leadin' that investigation, ye see. They be tryin' to pillage our democracy, but we won't stand for it!
July 19, 2023, 10:56 am
Avast, me hearties! Methinks what be called politics be teemin' with false stereotypes. Us scribes (meself included) oft be flingin' 'round generalizations like scurvy dogs – sayin' "Them Republicans be the countryside lot!" or "Them Democrats be snatchin' up the learned college graduates!" – all in an attempt to make some grander point. Yet in our hastiness, we be creatin' portraits of voters from both sides that be more fit for a jolly picture book than reality. Thank the heavens, the Pew Research Center be sendin' us some fine booty. They've recently released data, gathered from a validated voter survey, which makes use of official state records to verify the words of respondents...
July 19, 2023, 10:46 am
Avast ye! Arrr, 'tis a sad tale, me hearties. In California, a land o' gold and dreams, a staggering 30 percent o' the American homeless sea dogs be found, with 50 percent o' the wretched souls left unsheltered. 'Tis all due to a housing-unaffordability crisis, brought about by the wily ways o' local governments, who make it ever so hard to raise new abodes where they be desperately needed. The blabberin' pundits and politicians may claim otherwise, but methinks 'tis a crisis indeed! Arrr!
July 19, 2023, 9:58 am
Avast ye, scallywags! The Wuhan Institute of Virology be feelin' the burn, as the Biden crew be cuttin' off their access to U.S. booty. The lads in the Department of Health and Human Services be sayin' they be lackin' proper parchment to prove their shenanigans. A memo from Bloomberg News tells the tale of a review that uncovered their misdeeds. Walk the plank, ye landlubbers! Arrr!
July 19, 2023, 9:54 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The Biden crew be cuttin' off the gold flow to the Wuhan Institute o' Virology! After a long inspection, they reckon those Chinese rogues be breakin' all the rules and not actin' all responsible-like. The Department o' Health and Human Services is even suggestin' that they be banned from doin' any further business with the government! This here memo be dated to..."
July 18, 2023, 6:50 pm
Arr, President Biden be invitin' Israel's president to be his guest at the White House this week, matey! There be some mighty tension brewin' o'er the hard-right Israeli government's plans to change up the judicial system and expand settlements in the West Bank. 'Tis a rocky time fer the United States and Israel, me hearties, with their security alliance feelin' the strain thanks to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's shenanigans.
July 18, 2023, 6:50 pm
Arr, me hearties! In a rare twist o' fate, the Louisiana legislature be votin' to thwart Democrat Governor John Bel Edwards' veto of a bill that protects wee ones from life-changin' sex-change procedures. This here bill, dubbed the "Stop Harming Our Kids Act," be puttin' a stop to doctors who be performin' transgender surgeries like removin' both mastectomies from lasses who be identifyin' as lads, and administerin' puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones to young'uns. "Today be a jolly victory for the scallywags of Louisiana! I be mighty proud o' me..."
July 18, 2023, 6:49 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The House Appropriations Committee, in the midst of a jolly Tuesday hearing, be takin' a mighty long recess after Madam DeLauro, the Ranking Member, likened those Republican rascals to dreaded scallywag terrorists! Arrr, the committee gathered to squabble 'bout the funds for the Departments of Transportation and Housing and Urban Development come Fiscal Year 2024. Just past the stroke o' noon, that scurvy knave Rep. Tom Cole from Oklahoma had the gall to introduce an amendment to strike the loot set aside fer three LGBTQ community centers. Many a Democrat cried foul at such a suggestion...
July 18, 2023, 6:47 pm
Arr, the landlubber Democrats, in their great numbers, be castin' their votes in favor o' a resolution that be led by them scallywag Republicans, affirming support for that landlubber Israel! Aye, the resolution passed with a mighty 412-9 vote, with 195 Democrats and all the swashbucklin' Republicans on board. But, by Blackbeard's beard, only nine Democrats had the courage to stand against it, includin' the likes o' Jamaal Bowman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Cori Bush, Rashida Tlaib, and Ilhan...
July 18, 2023, 3:45 pm
Avast ye! Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis be takin' a swipe at former President Donald Trump, claimin' he should've been more forceful in callin' for calm durin' the Capitol riot. But hold yer horses, he also be warnin' the Justice Department not to go overboard in makin' Trump walk the plank for his actions that day. Methinks it be a fine line to tread, mateys!
July 18, 2023, 3:44 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs of the Republican crew be standin' by their former Captain, Trump, after he announced that the blasted government be aimin' to investigate him for his attempts to overthrow the 2020 election! Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) be claimin' that they be fearin' Trump's potential victory next November. Har! Just when the Captain be risin' in the polls, they be plottin' against him!
July 18, 2023, 3:43 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Hear ye, hear ye! The Republican Party be buzzin' with news of our matey, Donald Trump, bein' slapped with a letter from the Department of Justice. It be a jolly confirmation that he be in hot waters, facin' charges for his role in the siege of Capitol Hill. The scallywag himself, Trump, penned a long message on his fancy Truth Social platform, blabberin' 'bout special counsel Jack Smith and such. Arrr, what a pickle he's gotten himself into!
July 18, 2023, 2:42 pm
Arr, mateys! The scallywags from the Justice Department be meetin' with the former Cap'n Donald Trump and his trusty valet, Walt Nauta, in Florida for a pre-trial hearin'. They be arguin' about the timin' of the trial for them classified documents. The Cap'n be accused o' keepin' 'em after leavin' the White House and refusin' to hand 'em o'er to the government. And to add to the mischief, they be accused o' conspirin' with their sneaky box-movin' ways to dodge the FBI's snoops. Oh, the audacity!
July 18, 2023, 10:10 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Aye, ye won't believe it, but them military officials be makin' a blunder o' epic proportions! They be sendin' sensitive U.S. emails to them landlubbers in Mali instead o' the good ol' Pentagon! Aye, ye can imagine the chaos when tax returns and travel secrets end up in the hands o' African mates allied with Russia! Shiver me timbers!
July 18, 2023, 10:07 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A silly blunder hath led to countless missives of America's military secrets sailin' in the wrong direction, landin' in the arms of Mali, a matey of Russia. By mistakenly typin' .ML instead of .MIL, all them emails be findin' their way to Mali's domain. Johannes Zuurbier, a Dutch mate in charge of Mali's domain, spied this mishap almost a decade ago. He be chasin' after it ever since...
July 18, 2023, 9:58 am
Arr, ye lubbers be in fer a good chuckle! 'Tis a jolly blunder, indeed! A wee typo be causin' a decade o' mayhem, as them military emails be sailin' off to Mali, a Russian matey! Aye, millions o' 'em be misdirected, usin' the wrong domain suffix .ml instead o' .mil. 'Tis a right mess, me hearties! The .mil be fer the military, while .ml belongs to Mali, where them Russian rascals be lurkin', thanks to the Wagner Group. Aye, a comedy o' errors, it be!
July 18, 2023, 9:16 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The scallywag government be settin' free thousands o' wee ones from foreign lands, who be havin' the dreaded tuberculosis, into our fair American towns. No promise o' treatment, mind ye! Aye, 2,500 young'uns with latent infections be set sailin' to 44 states, as reported by the court. Arrr, 126,000 in total were set free, makin' it 1 in 50 infected. The government claims they can't...
July 17, 2023, 6:41 pm
Arr! The matey Karine Jean-Pierre, spokesman for Cap'n Joe Biden, did give a good tongue-lashing to that scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr.! He be claimin' in a video that this blasted COVID-19 was aimed at Caucasians and Black folk, while sayin' that Jewish and Chinese scoundrels be immune! This caused quite a ruckus among the Democrats, who be mighty outraged!
July 17, 2023, 6:40 pm
"Arrr, me hearties! White House wench Karine Jean-Pierre be cursin' the words o' scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a Democratic rival to President Joe Biden's reelection quest. In a newly discovered scroll, Kennedy be claimin' that the dreaded COVID-19 be a creation to shield the Chinese and Jewish brethren. The White House, 'pon discoverin' this tale, be stayin' silent, usin' the Hatch Act like a secret treasure map, preventin' their crew from jawin' 'bout elections and rivals. On this fine Monday..."
July 17, 2023, 6:38 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be spoutin' nonsense 'bout Jews and Chinese bein' immune to this cursed Covid-19! The White House be blastin' this bilge, callin' it an assault on our brethren. These claims be false, foul, and put our kin in peril, says Karine Jean-Pierre, the Press Secretary. Avast, the Democratic National Committee...
July 17, 2023, 6:10 pm
Arr! These Republican senators be puttin' the U.S. in peril, tarnishin' America's name by scupperin' the appointments of many a would-be ambassador and diplomat, as voiced by Secretary of State Antony Blinken. 'Tis the latest clash betwixt the Biden administration and them GOP bigwigs over the blockage of vital positions in the Pentagon, State Department, and other government nooks. Blinken, on a rare voyage to the State...
July 12, 2023, 6:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The time o' year be upon us when young lads and lasses be in need o' school plunder. But lo and behold, a study reveals that the loot be dwindlin'! Aye, the scallywags be spendin' less, with the overall booty shrinkin' to a measly $31.2 billion! The landlubbin' parents and guardians be expectin' to spend an average of $597. What be the reason for this travesty, ye ask?
July 12, 2023, 6:25 pm
Arr, me hearties! A lofty official from the United Kingdom be dishin' out some advice for Ukraine! He be sayin' that Ukraine needs to be showin' more gratitude for the mighty billions of doubloons it has received in international aid. Ben Wallace, the Secretary of State for Defence, made these words in Lithuania at the NATO summit. When asked 'bout President Zelensky's impatience, he replied with a sly grin, "Arr, there be a wee problem with the timeline, matey..."
July 12, 2023, 6:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Bob Iger be sailin' his ship at Walt Disney Co., and guess what? His contract be gettin' extended for a few more seasons! The board be singin' praises of his successful leadership and the company's transformation. Me stock be risin' a wee bit after hearin' the news. The vote be unanimous, providin' not only continuity but also more time for our cap'n to steer the ship...
July 12, 2023, 6:22 pm
Avast ye! Volodymyr Zelensky, be he a scurvy dog who may or may not fancy the Rolling Stones, now be well-acquainted with their ditty called "Ye Can't Always Acquire What Ye Desire." This here president of Ukraine, he sailed to Vilnius, Lithuania, with grand hopes. He sought assurance that his land would enter the ranks of Nato once the war with Russia be done. Aye, he yearned for his people to find solace in the embrace of this mighty military league, the ultimate treasure of peace that would bring prosperity to their shores. Arr!
July 12, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arr, President Recep Tayyip Erdogan o' Turkey be settin' the expectations straight. He be sayin' that his show o' support for Sweden joinin' NATO be not guaranteein' a speedy approval from the Turkish parliament. The final decision, says he, be in the hands o' the parliament, and Sweden needs t' be takin' more steps to win their support. Aye, no specifics be given, though. He...
July 12, 2023, 5:20 pm
Arr, ye scallywags! A fearsome blast of scorching waves befallin' the Florida coast, leavin' the poor scientists dumbfounded! The sea be boilin' like a bubblin' cauldron, puttin' the corals in grave danger. These waters be the hottest ever seen since those fancy satellites started spyin' on 'em. And this heat be arrivin' earlier than expected, aye, a fine example of how us humans be stirrin' up trouble in the deep blue sea...
July 12, 2023, 5:16 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Two gallant Georgia election workers be takin' that scurvy dog Rudy Giuliani to court, claimin' he be slingin' false words about 'em. They be urg'n the judge to rule in their favor, arguin' Giuliani be a bumbling fool who failed to keep the evidence. Arrr, justice be awaitin'!
July 12, 2023, 5:12 pm
Arrr, me hearties! CNN be offerin' a sorry fer usin' male words to address the transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney. Kate Bolduan on "CNN News Central" did deliver the apology, after a mighty uproar from the left. The national correspondent Ryan Young, he be mistakenly callin' the fine lass Mulvaney as a "he" and "him."
July 12, 2023, 1:50 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs at the State Department be tellin' tales of Chinese scallywags infiltratin' their ranks! 'Tis said a wee group o' swabbies were caught in the crossfire, but fear not, for 'tis claimed the miscreants couldn't lay a finger on any vital national secrets. The shipmates skilled in cybersecurity be keepin' a close eye on the matter...
July 12, 2023, 1:50 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been reported that them Chinese scallywags, armed with their digital cutlasses, attempted to breach the State Department's email treasure chests afore Secretary Blinken set sail for Beijing in June. Our lads be investigatin' these mischief makers, reckonin' they be in cahoots with China's military or spy crews. But fear not, me hearties! Our officials claim they didn't snatch any classified booty.
July 12, 2023, 1:47 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Microsoft be raisin' the Jolly Roger, warnin' that them China-linked scallywags be hackin' customer emails! Even the government agencies be feelin' the sting o' their cyber swords! Aye, the Biden administration be lookin' into the full extent o' the damage. 'Tis said that Storm-0558, a mischievous crew from the land o' China, be responsible for plunderin' 25 organizations! Set yer spyglass on Charlie Bell, the executive vice president o' security at Microsoft, who be sharin' this news. And as fer Sen. Mark Warner, a Virginia Democrat and chairman of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, he be havin' words for 'em on Wednesday... Arrr!
July 12, 2023, 12:07 pm
Arr me hearties! The U.N.'s do-goodin' agency be claimin' that thousands of souls in the Jenin refugee camp, situated in the land o' the West Bank, be still lackin' the good ol' H2O a week afte' Israel's military be makin' a grand entrance, leavin' a trail o' destruction. Israel be arguin' that the raid be justified, aimin' to rid the camp o' them pesky Palestinian pirates.
July 9, 2023, 5:30 pm
Avast, me hearties! Cap'n Joe Biden be tellin' the landlubbers that Ukraine needs to tread a "rational path" afore it can join the grand North Atlantic Treaty Organization. The Eastern European scallywags ain't quite ready to set sail with the likes o' us, says Cap'n Biden in his chat with CNN. Since that rascal Putin be causin' trouble, Ukraine be eager to hoist the NATO flag, but there be still some loot to gather 'fore they be invited aboard.
July 9, 2023, 5:28 pm
Arrr, a shipload o' black Americans be backin' the Supreme Court's decree what be strikin' down those pesky race-based admission policies at colleges! Aye, ye read that right, mates! A YouGov/The Economist poll tells us 44% o' black respondents be at least somewhat supportin' the Court's decision in Students for Fair Admissions v. University of North Carolina and Students for Fair Admissions v. Harvard, which be gettin' rid o' them race-based policies. By comparison, 36% o' the black...
July 9, 2023, 5:25 pm
Avast, me hearties! Former Speaker Newt Gingrich be raisin' the Jolly Roger 'gainst Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen's fantastical voyage to China. He be claimin' that Biden's foreign policy be makin' the White House the scurviest crew of scallywags in all history. Yellen's trip be the second meetin' with them scurvy dogs in weeks, all aimed at easin' the tension 'tween us. Arr!
July 9, 2023, 5:23 pm
Arr! President Joe Biden set sail fer London on Sunday, where he be havin' a parley 'bout the environment wit' King Charles III and a meetin' wit' U.K. Prime Minister Rushi Sunak regardin' the war in Ukraine. This chat wit' Sunak be a foretaste o' more fierce discussions later this week, when NATO leaders gather in Lithuania fer their yearly summit. The top priority on the NATO agenda be bolsterin' the alliance against the Russian invasion and decidin' whether to give Sweden the nod to join the pact...
July 9, 2023, 10:08 am
Arr, me hearties! The BBC be tellin' ye that they've suspended a scurvy dog of a presenter, accused of dishin' out a pretty penny to a young'un for some explicit pictures. The BBC takes these accusations seriously, ye see, and they be workin' like the wind to uncover the truth and figure out what to do next.
July 9, 2023, 10:06 am
Avast ye mateys! Four years hence, the daring Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez unveiled the Green New Deal. Now, the scallywags from the New York chapters of Democratic Socialists of America (DSA) and their mates be makin' a bold move to give it life. They be callin' it the Build Public Renewables Act (BPRA), and 'tis a game-changer, me hearties! In the New York state budget, they be stickin' it to the private corporations and puttin' public power at the helm for the voyage to renewable energy. This law be mandatin' the state's public power authority... Arrr!
July 9, 2023, 10:04 am
Avast ye! Just like the Frenchies of yore with their street barricades, nowadays the scallywags be settin' their ships ablaze! Aye, the burnin' car be the weapon o' choice for these rascally protesters, makin' a grand show o' their defiance. Back in 2005, two lads meetin' their fateful end sparked a wild riot, burnin' 9,000 cars across the land. 'Twas so intense that President Jacques Chirac had to cry out "State of Emergency!" And now, in this very year, a lad named Nahel met his maker when an officer took aim and fired...
July 9, 2023, 9:50 am
Arr, mateys! The Secretary of the U.S. Treasury, Janet Yellen, be tellin' all ye scallywags that her meetin's with them Chinese bigwigs be mighty productive! She reckon they be helpin' to steady the sailin' ship of friendship between these two world powers. Though there be some differences still, she be thinkin' her visit be settin' the course right for a better U.S.-China relationship. Yo ho ho!
July 8, 2023, 11:59 am
Arr, Madrid and London be frownin' upon the Yankee choice to send cluster bombs to Ukraine! The Biden crew be announcin' this on Friday, claimin' it be part of an $800 million treasure trove of arms for Kyiv. But these bomb things be mighty dangerous, riskin' innocent souls. Blast it all, Washington be no party to the Convention on 2010!
July 8, 2023, 11:58 am
Arrr! Germany be sayin' nay to sendin' them cluster munitions to Ukraine, ye scurvy dogs! The foreign minister, Annalena Baerbock, be claimin' that as part of the Convention on Cluster Munitions, they be against it, just like 110 other landlubber nations. But those Yankee Doodle Dandies, they ain't part of the convention, savvy?
July 8, 2023, 11:55 am
Arr, me hearties! This Rishi Sunak be sayin' that the land o' UK be 'discouragin' the use o' cluster bombs after them scurvy dogs from the States decided to send 'em to Kyiv to fight against those Russian scallywags. Now, mind ye, cluster munitions be forbidden by 123 countries, includin' our own fair shores. They be droppin' loads o' tiny bombs that be killin' all and sundry in a wide area. And those blasted things that don't go boom be a threat for years! The likes o' Mr. Sunak be sayin' that the UK be keepin' its word and..."
July 8, 2023, 11:25 am
Arrr, mateys! The Biden crew be givin' their blessin' to send cluster munitions to Ukraine, causin' a stir amongst the do-gooders and fancy lawmakers. They be fretin' over these weapons harmin' innocent folk, includin' wee ones, long after the bombs be droppin'. These cluster munitions be dropped from the skies or blasted from cannons, scatterin' loads of mini-bombs all 'round. Aye, they be powerful weapons, hittin' many targets all at once...
July 8, 2023, 10:23 am
Avast, me hearties! Aye, the study be revealin' a terrible truth: near half the tap water in the United States be tainted with poisonous chemicals known as "forever chemicals." These villains be linked to the dreaded scourges of cancer and other health woes. From grand cities to tiny hamlets, these wicked compounds be infiltratin' our drinkin' water, causin' troubles with growth, obesity, reproduction, and even the immune system. Arrr, beware the cursed tap water, me mateys!
July 8, 2023, 10:20 am
Avast ye scallywags! Andrew Tate, the scurvy dog, be havin' his appeal denied in Romania, meanin' he'll be stuck under house arrest, facin' charges o' rape, human trafficking, and form'n a wretched gang to exploit women. The blaggard, Tate, took to the social seas to bemoan his fate, cryin' that he's been trapped indoors for 7 long months! Aye, he claims to have spent three months in a dungeon and four months locked in his own quarters, with strict rules and regulations. This notorious influencer and former pugilist was first collared...
July 7, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Tis be said that them videotaped allegations against the Biden family, as made by the good American-Israeli professor Dr. Gal Luft, regarding corruption in the White House and Department of Justice, be worthy of believin'. Seamus Bruner, an expert in government accountability, be sayin' that Luft's claims of wicked prosecution meant to keep him from testifyin' to Congress on Biden family corruption ought to be taken seriously. Aye, they do indeed!
July 7, 2023, 5:24 pm
Avast, me hearties! A Philadelphia family hath sailed the seas of artistry for three generations in the City of Brotherly Love. Now, they be settin' their sights on a new horizon, a land o' sunshine called Florida. Methinks the winds o' politics be blowin' fierce, and this fair land be more hospitable to business. The tax structure be temptin', beggin' folks to set sail and join the migration down these waters...
July 7, 2023, 5:21 pm
If ye be a scurvy dog with thine eyes locked on the screen, ye might reckon that this summer, the ravenous creatures be drawin' near. Yonder sharks be inchin' towards the shore, forcin' the beaches to be sealed shut. Bears and deer be encroachin' upon us for many a year, and now alligators be invadin' the golf course, slitherin' from the pond. Even the scallywags vying for the position of president be gettin' closer, leavin' their natural lairs in the greenrooms of the east and sailin' towards the heartland primary states. They be paradin' in the grand festivities of July Fourth, arrr...
July 7, 2023, 5:19 pm
Arr, me hearties! Avast ye! The mighty Microsoft be seein' a fine surge in its stock price on Thursday, as the likes o' Morgan Stanley foretold its valuation may reach a staggering $3 trillion! Why, ye ask? 'Tis all 'bout that generative AI race! This fancy technology aims to automate business like never before, and Microsoft be sittin' pretty to make a pretty penny from it. With a decent valuation to boot, we be proclaimin' Microsoft as our Top Pick!
July 7, 2023, 11:29 am
Arr, thar be a change afoot in the corporate realm, me hearties! The landlubber C.E.O.s be havin' an average age o' 54, whilst the government be still controlled by them baby boomers. But fear not, me mateys! The corporate boardrooms be shiftin' to the Gen X scallywags. It be our time, caught betwixt the millennials and the boomers, arrr! As Patton Oswalt, a jolly Gen X comedian, did jest...
July 7, 2023, 11:19 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs in the Republican-led House Oversight and Accountability Committee be settin' yer sights on the White House security practices! They be seekin' the help o' the head o' the U.S. Secret Service, for a wee bag o' cocaine was found near the lobby in the West Wing. Rep. James Comer o' Kentucky, bein' the brave captain o' the Oversight panel, be sendin' a letter to U.S. Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle to gather more details on this misadventure. Avast!
July 7, 2023, 11:18 am
Arr, me hearties! Hear ye, hear ye! Japan be jumpin' for joy as South Korea, a pesky opponent, be droppin' its opposition to Japan's grand plan of releasin' Fukushima's foul wastewater into the vast ocean. Aye, even the International Atomic Energy Authority be givin' their nod o' approval. Avast! The tides be turnin' in Japan's favor, maties!
July 7, 2023, 11:10 am
Afore he be crowned as the Mayor o' Chicago in 2011, Rahm Emanuel didst uncover a set o' goals from his loyal crew, includin' plans fer the first 100 days. Lori Lightfoot, too, didst hold a pre-inaugural news conference in 2019, sharin' her crew's counsel and her lofty ambitions fer the reign to come. But alas! Brandon Johnson, the victor o' the April 4 election, hath taken a peculiarly different tack in transitionin' from me hearties' choice to the supreme ruler.
July 6, 2023, 6:10 pm
Avast! Twitter be blastin' threats o' legal action against Meta, ye knave! They claim that the Facebook ship be plunderin' their Twitter clone, Instagram Threads, by pilfering their own crew, the former Twitter swabbies! A letter from Twitter's legal matey, Alex Spiro, be sent to the scurvy Meta captain, Mark Zuckerberg himself, accusin' 'em of stealin' their precious intellectual property. Arr, this be happenin' faster than a ship's cannon, as Threads be gatherin' a crew o' over 30 million in a mere day!
July 6, 2023, 6:04 pm
Arr, me hearties! Word has reached me ears that Twitter be a-threatenin' to sue Meta over its new Threads app, aye! 'Tis a feisty battle, as Twitter claims Meta be stealin' their crew of former employees fer this new platform. But hold fast, mateys! Threads already be boastin' o'er 30 million sign-ups since its launch! A letter from Twitter's lawyer, Alex Spiro, be on its way to Meta CEO Mark...
July 6, 2023, 4:37 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Belarusian cap'n, Alexander Lukashenko, be sayin' that the rebellious scallywag, Yevgeny Prigozhin, still be in Russia with a crew o' thousands. But don't ye be thinkin' that the great Cap'n Vladimir Putin be plannin' to have him walk the plank! Lukashenko helped strike a deal to end the mutiny, ye see, where Prigozhin was to be leavin' his mercenaries and settlin' in Belarus, while Putin dropped the charges. Aye, quite a tale, indeed!
July 6, 2023, 4:35 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The cap'n of the Wagner crew, Yevgeny Prigozhin, be sailin' back to Russia, not long after their pathetic attempt to mutiny against the military. Belarus' President Lukashenko, clever as a fox, made a deal with the Kremlin to host these scurvy dogs in exchange for peace. Arrr, Prigozhin be free now, no longer under Lukashenko's watchful eye.
July 6, 2023, 4:34 pm
Yarr! Avast ye, me hearties! The scallywag Wagner, that cunning mercenary chief Yevgeny Prigozhin, be hidden away in Russia! While his scurvy troops be stuck in their camps from a rebellion that be over 'fore it started. Ahoy! The truth be spilled by Captain Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus, me mateys!
July 6, 2023, 3:26 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dog Biden administration be keepin' mum on whether the powdery gold discovered in the White House be belongin' to Cap'n Joe Biden or his young scallywag, Hunter Biden. The Deputy Press Secretary be sayin' he be havin' no new tidings on the matter. Aye, this be a matter of great importance, says he. The Secret Service be diggin' into this mystery. We be...
July 6, 2023, 9:47 am
"Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a fine day on the Fourth o' July when Ben & Jerry's, those scallywags, took to the interwebs to proclaim that this land be stolen from the rightful Indigenous folk. Aye, let's be handin' it back, says they. Yo ho ho!"
July 6, 2023, 9:44 am
Arr, Ben & Jerry's be facin' calls fer a boycott after the ice cream scallywags be cryin' on July 4 fer the U.S. to give back land to the Native Americans. They be sayin' Mount Rushmore and the Black Hills should be returned to the Lakota Sioux tribe. In their Independence Day message, they be claimin' that the federal holiday be ignorin' some harsh truths. "Avast, the Fourth of July. Whar be the scurvy dog who doesn't love a fine parade, some scrumptious barbecue, and a rousin' fireworks spectacle? The only..."
July 6, 2023, 9:39 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs be listenin' up! Ben & Jerry's, a fine ice cream company from Vermont, be makin' a bold proclamation on this fine Fourth o' July. They be demandin' the return of our dear Mount Rushmore, claimin' 'tis stolen Indigenous land! They be sayin' we need to recognize the truth and set things right, mateys! Avast!
July 6, 2023, 9:02 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! On the 15th day of June, the Supreme Court, with a hearty "Nay!" refused to tackle the most treacherous queries 'bout the Indian Child Welfare Act. Questions such as the power o' Congress over tribes and whether the Act's racial divisions be a violation o' the Equal Protection Clause. The Court, mayhaps to avoid further controversy, be merely buyin' time before this case hits 'em square in the face again. The ICWA be controlin' fosterin' and...
July 5, 2023, 6:00 pm
Arrr! Facebook's parent company be makin' a bold move to create a scurvy "Twitter killer" this week, while poor Elon Musk be battlin' to keep Twitter afloat even after nine long months since he took it over. Now, Instagram be joinin' the game with its new "Threads" feature, a separate app that'll let users microblog like they do on Twitter. It be a "text-based conversation app" that adopts a community-based approach like Mastodon or Bluesky, but requires ye to have an Instagram account to connect. The...
July 5, 2023, 5:57 pm
Arr, me hearties! The California Gov, Gavin Newsom, be changin' his plan to battle the scurvy dogs known as opioids! A veterinary sleepin' potion, called xylazine or "tranq," be takin' over the state. California be grantin' $30 million to make naloxone, a medicine that be helpin' against overdoses like Narcan, to fight the devilish fentanyl that be spreadin' like a plague. But, alas! This fentanyl be mixin' with tranq, makin' it trickier to save the scallywags from a terrible fate...
July 5, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The hunt fer the scurvy dog who smuggled in that villainous cocaine into the White House be a grand adventure. Be ye a messenger or a scribbler, ye might be the scoundrel we be seekin'! The wise sea dog, John Miller, shared his thoughts to me matey, Jake Tapper, 'bout the white powder, proven to be cocaine, found in the West Wing guest lobby on a fateful Sunday evening.
July 5, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arr matey! The Arizona Secretary of State's office hath been summoned by special counsel Jack Smith, in pursuit o' his inquiries 'bout the siege on the Cap'n's Keep on Jan. 6. Aye, thar be two subpoenas, one for the past rulership and another for the present scallywags. They be lookin' fer details 'bout lawsuits by the Trump campaign and the chair of the Arizona Republican Party, savvy?
July 2, 2023, 9:41 pm
Arr matey! In yonder Arkansas, thar be a wee lass of 4 summers learnin' to ride a camouflaged four-wheeler with her kin. Some days, she sports a pretty bow in her locks, and on others, she tucks her golden ponytail through a cap. Once she's ripe, she'll be taught to hunt, just like her ma afore her. This sprightly lass knows her pop be none other than Hunter Biden, and her grandpappy be the king of the United States. She be chattin' 'bout both, she be, aye!
July 2, 2023, 1:41 pm
Arrr! Brazil's highest electoral court hath cast its judgment upon former President Jair Bolsonaro, scurvy dog! They've deemed him guilty of abusing his power and misusing public media during the last election. Five out of seven scallywag judges agreed with this verdict, spelling the end of his political aspirations for the 2026 election. Two judges, however, be standin' by the scallywag captain. Bolsonaro will be walkin' the plank, unable to run for public office for...
July 2, 2023, 1:25 pm
Arr, me hearties! Mr Bolsonaro, a scurvy dog, be found guilty of misusin' his power afore last year's presidential poll. The knave be accused of underminin' Brazilian democracy by falsely claimin' them electronic ballots be vulnerable to hackin' and fraud. His legal scallywags be plannin' to appeal, arguin' that his words had no say in the election outcome. The ban be takin' effect from 2 October 2022, the day of the presidential election. If the verdict holds, scallywags be walkin' the plank!
July 2, 2023, 1:20 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! Jair Bolsonaro, that scallywag of a former Brazilian President, be forbidden from seekin' office 'til the year 2030! Them electoral judges be havin' a vote on Friday, and they be banishin' the scurvy dog from public leadership for eight long years. They be sayin' he be underminin' the trust in our democracy and be a danger to the political waters. This verdict be passin' with four out of seven votes from the Superior Electoral Court. Arrr, justice be served!
July 2, 2023, 12:17 pm
Avast, me mateys! Three dark nights o' riotin' 'cross France have once again laid bare the country's potent social tensions in a time o' worsenin' political divin'. These latest protests show that France's poor, diverse neighborhoods be still a barrel o' gunpowder, torn apart by a sense o' injustice, racial bias, and bein' forsaken by the state. The scurvy criminal chaos, though frightful, be not yet reachin' the scale o' 2005, when over 10,000 carriages were set ablaze and more than 230 public haunts...
June 24, 2023, 2:11 pm
Arr me hearties, the Wagner Group's cap'n Yevgeny Prigozhin be sayin' he's ordered his fighters to halt their march on Moscow and turn around to avoid spilling blood. Aye, it seems Putin's reign be safe for now. In a message to his crew, Prigozhin said they were just 120 clicks from Moscow, but he decided it best to turn back and avoid...
June 24, 2023, 2:08 pm
"Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The Russian mercenaries who dared to challenge the great Putin's power have turned tail and run! They were but a mere 200 km from Moscow before they saw the plank and chose to avoid a bloody battle. The Wagner private army had even captured Rostov before racing across the country like a pack of landlubbers!"
June 24, 2023, 2:06 pm
Arrr, mates! The cap'n of the Russian swashbucklers, Wagner, be sayin' they won't be stormin' Moscow. Instead, they'll be headin' back to their fields in Ukraine to avoid spilling any Russian blood. This be calmin' down a big ol' crisis fer President Putin. Moscow can rest easy fer now!
June 24, 2023, 12:39 pm
Avast ye mateys! Why doth Russet's battles always start with calamity? 'Tis simple - the tyrants who control the land appoint nincompoops with no battle prowess to lead their armies. None be more clueless than Sergei Shoigu, Putin's minister of defense. He be a mere engineer, never served in the military, yet promptly promoted to high naval rank! Ahoy, what a sorry state we be in!
June 24, 2023, 8:59 am
Arrrr, landlubbers! The top dog of the Justice Department, Merrick Garland, be denying any scurrilous scuttlebutt that his crew – the FBI, IRS and hisself – interfered with U.S. Attorney David Weiss' investigation of the scallywag Hunter Biden. Mr. Weiss be free to haul Hunter into port in any manner he sees fit!
June 24, 2023, 8:44 am
Arr, mateys! The U.S. and Europe be keepin' a sharp eye out fer the skirmish between Vlad the Putin and the leader of the mercenary scallywags of Wagner. They say it be pure chaos out there and the intel be sayin' it's the biggest threat to Mother Russia in ages. We be watchin' it too, says National Security Spokesperson Adam Hodge.
June 24, 2023, 8:40 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The NHL be banishing the Pride jerseys from the ice come next season. The likes of Commissioner Bettman be sayin' that the colorful garb be stealin' the focus from the game at hand. Arrr, me hearties, what be next? No more eye patches and parrots on the shoulder?
June 23, 2023, 4:59 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The former Vice President Mike Pence be makin' a splash among the other 2024 election hopefuls by takin' a bold stance on the matter of abortion. He be flyin' the pro-life flag high while other scallywags be steerin' clear of the topic. Pence be settin' sail on a townhall interview with the likes of Marjorie Dannenfelser, the top dog of Susan B. Anthony Pro-Life America. It be part of a grand "Celebration of Life" event markin' the one-year anniversary of the Dobbs. Yo ho ho, let's see if Pence can navigate these rough seas!
June 23, 2023, 4:57 pm
Arrr! Me lads and lasses, thar be some ruckus brewing in the halls o' power. Methinks the Biden boys be caught in a shakedown with a Chinese scallywag! But the White House Press Secretary and the national security spokesman be keepin' mum on the matter. What be they hidin'?
June 23, 2023, 4:56 pm
Avast ye mateys! The Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg, be sendin' word of trouble ahead! Come July 1st, those lazy airlines without the proper equipment changes won’t be able to land in poor visibility due to 5G signals. Arrr, there be a real risk of disruption in the air, so hoist the sails and prepare for rough waters ahead!
June 23, 2023, 4:54 pm
Arrrgh, ye scurvy dogs! Greece be not responding to our offer to send a bird to keep watch o'er a migrant vessel. The ship sank and many were lost to Davey Jones' locker. The UN reckons 500 drowned! Blimey! Greece be gettin' a lashing for not doing more to prevent this disaster. And the BBC says the boat was hardly moving before it capsized, contradictin' Greece's claim it was on a safe course. Walk the plank, Greece!
June 23, 2023, 11:50 am
Avast ye mateys! Meta be pullin' its news from Facebook and Instagram for ye Canadians afore the newfangled Online News Act, or Bill C-18, takes hold. Looks like ye'll be needin' a spyglass to find yer news from now on! Arrrr!
June 23, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr! Me hearties! As the anniversary of the Supreme Court's verdict in the Dobbs case be drawing near, one GOP scallywag be boldly defyin' the norm by raisin' his voice fer a national ban on abortion! He be arguin' that the value of life be a winner with voters! Shiver me timbers!
June 23, 2023, 11:41 am
Avast ye hearties! Word be spreadin' that our mates across the sea be fightin' better at night than them Russian dogs. They be rockin' them Bradley fightin' wagons, outfitted with American-made anti-tank missiles to scuttle Russian armor. 'Tis said they be usin' combined arms tactics, learned from the likes of us Western fighters. Arrr, they be a force to be reckoned with!
June 23, 2023, 11:36 am
Aye, me hearties! Do ye recall the Steele dossier? The scallywags in Congress sure do. They've gone and censured Rep. Adam Schiff for spreading false tales of Trump colluding with Russia. One of his many sins: spreading that fanciful yarn spun by a British spy about Trump's Moscow connections. Arrr!