Arrr! The AP be standin' strong, claimin' it took 'em just 30 minutes to name Trump the winner in Iowa!
2024-01-16
Arr! The Associated Press be standin' tall and defendin' their claim that the former Cap'n Trump be the victor o' the Iowa caucuses. A mere 30 minutes into the votin' and with only nine out o' 1,657 precincts reportin' — a measly 0.54%! The voters be brave souls, battlin' the icy weather that be freezin' their very nostrils. This news be drivin' the talk o' the town, says the organization.
Arrr, me hearties! The Associated Press be defendin' its decision to declare that scurvy dog, former President Trump, be the winner of the Iowa caucuses. And ye won't believe it, but they made the call just 30 minutes after the votin' started! Aye, ye heard it right, lads and lasses, only nine out of 1,657 precincts had reported their results, a measly 0.54%!Now, ye might be wonderin' why this be a matter of concern, but let me tell ye, the good people of Iowa were brave enough to turn out to vote despite the record cold weather. One of the precinct captains even described it as "frozen nostril cold." Can ye imagine that? Freezin' yer nostrils off just to cast a vote!
The news organization had the audacity to say that their decision be based on a formula that predicted the eventual winner with great accuracy in the past. But, me hearties, I be thinkin' they be jumpin' the gun a bit, if ye catch me drift. What kind of sorcery be this? Predictin' the future before it even happens!
Now, I don't know about ye, but I be thinkin' this be a bit unfair to the other candidates. They be fightin' tooth and nail, sailin' across the treacherous waters of the campaign trail, and the AP just swoops in and declares a winner like it be nothin'. It be like a pirate takin' all the treasure without even fightin' the other scallywags!
So, me hearties, let's raise our grog mugs and shout, "Avast ye, AP!" Let the people have their say, let the votes be counted, and then we'll see who be the true winner of the Iowa caucuses. Until then, me hearties, keep yer eye on the horizon and remember, it be a pirate's life for ye!