The Booty Report

News and Updates for Swashbucklers Everywhere

Arrr! USA horsey crew sunk over a wee cut! PETA be callin' for all horsey games to walk the plank!

2024-07-30

Arrr, the U.S. horsey dance crew be sent to Davy Jones’ locker at the Paris games! Those scallywag judges found a gash on one beast’s backside during tryouts on Tuesday! Looks like they’ll be shiverin’ their timbers instead of prancin’ in the spotlight! Har har!

Ahoy mateys! Gather 'round, fer I’ve a tale of woe from the grand Paris Olympics! The fair United States be takin' quite the hit, as their dressage crew got sent packin' faster than a ship in a storm, all thanks to a wee cut on a horse’s leg!

Marcus Orlob, a scallywag ready to strut his stuff, found his trusty steed, Jane, spooked by the raucous crowd. In her fright, she stepped on her own hind leg, leavin' a bloody mark that drew the judges’ gaze like a ship's lantern in the night! The dastardly FEI Blood Rules struck, and just like that, they were outta the competition!

Fear not for Jane, though! She be restin’ easy in her stall, the bleedings all but gone. Orlob, bless his heart, was feelin’ fine until the bell tolled doom upon 'em. "It was a bit of a bangin' entry," he said, though the horse was feelin’ grand for the most part. Alas, PETA be shoutin’ loud, demandin’ the end of equestrian events, claimin’ our equine friends deserve better than to be coerced into performin' for our amusement!

As the sails of competition flutter, two other American riders still be sailin’ on, but the question remains: will our beloved steeds ever get the respect they deserve? Arrr, only time will tell!

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