The Booty Report

News and Updates for Swashbucklers Everywhere

Arrr! Simone Biles be a treasure, snagging four shiny medals at the Paris Games, outdoing even her own wild dreams!

2024-08-05

Arrr, matey! Simone Biles be the grand mistress of gymnastics, claimin' her treasure with four shiny medals at the Paris games! Three of ‘em be gold, glimmerin’ like the finest doubloons! Aye, she be the queen of flips and twists, makin’ the rest look like sea turtles!

Ahoy, mateys! Gather ‘round as I spin ye a yarn of the fair lass, Simone Biles, who be the queen of gymnasts, at the Paris Olympics! With the courage of a thousand buccaneers, she snatched a silver medal in the floor exercise, though a wee misstep kept her from the glitterin’ gold.

Our gallant Biles racked up a treasure trove of four shiny medals—gold in the team final, all-around, and vault, though the balance beam turned treacherous on her, causin’ her to stumble like a drunken sailor. “I be as proud as a parrot on me shoulder!” she proclaimed, struttin’ away with her four medals at the ripe age of 27.

The salty sea breeze nearly sent her calf a-quirkin’ during warmups, but this fierce pirate pushed through, leadin’ her crew of gymnasts to victory, bestin’ Italy by a score fit for a king! In the all-around, she outshone Brazil’s Andrade, and vaulted to glory once more, claimin’ gold once again.

With a total of 11 Olympic medals, Biles be the most decorated American gymnast in history! She’s tied with the grand dame of gymnastics, Věra Čáslavská, but still seven shiny medals shy of the legendary Larisa Latynina. “I’ve accomplished more than I ever thought possible!” she chuckled, ready to sail into the sunset.

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