Arrr! Trump be dodgin' cannonballs, says the Secret Service be swappin' sails to keep the ship afloat!
2024-12-05
Arrr, mateys! Captain Ronald Rowe, the Secret Service's swashbucklin' chief, be spillin' the beans on a heap o' changes they be makin’ after the feeble stab at President-elect Trump in Butler. Seems they’ve hoisted the sails to keep the ship steady! Avast, let’s keep our captain safe!
Ahoy, me hearties! Gather 'round as I regale ye with the tale of one Ronald Rowe, acting captain o' the Secret Service ship, who be settin' sail to testify before the House scallywags this Thursday. This brave soul be spillin' the beans on the many changes made after a near mutiny on the good ship Trump at the Butler Farm Show in July, where threats were as thick as a fog on the high seas!Rowe be admitin’ that July 13th was a right blunder, a veritable shipwreck of security! He’ll be tellin’ the landlubbers that they fell short in protectin’ the President-elect, the scallywag crooks lurkin' nearby with dastardly intent. A suspicious lad named Crooks was found atop a roof, faster than a cat on a hot tin roof, while attendees were hollerin’ about the armed ruffian! Blimey! Aye, that roof be a mere 147 yards from where Trump was jawin’ away!
Now Rowe's crew be working on makin’ amends, puttin’ in place new orders to ensure such chaos never strikes again! He be callin’ for a unified command and regular audits, as well as tendin’ to the mental health o' his crew, for pressures can turn even the stoutest pirate to jelly! So here’s hopin’ the Secret Service can navigate these troubled waters and avoid more assassination attempts, lest they find themselves walkin’ the plank! Arrr!