"Arrr! New bounty on Ryan Routh’s head fer tryin’ to keelhaul the Donald! Avast, matey!"
2024-12-19
Arrr, matey! Ryan Routh be in a pickle, lookin’ at a fine for tryin’ to send a wee lass to Davy Jones’ locker after crashin’ his vessel whilst dodgin’ the law! A true scallywag, he be! Keep yer treasure close and watch for them rascally pirates!
Ahoy mateys! Gather ‘round as I spin ye a yarn ‘bout a scallywag named Ryan Routh, who be accused of plotting to send a certain presidential candidate—none other than Donald Trump—off to Davy Jones’ locker whilst he swung his clubs in sunny Florida. Aye, this landlubber tried to skedaddle on I-95, but alas, he crashed his vessel and caused a ruckus that left a wee lass of six injured. O’ course, the lawmen had to shut down the roads to catch this rascal, which be no small feat!Now, this cursed Routh be in hot water, face to face with a fresh charge of attempted felony murder, as the Attorney General, Ashley Moody, be lettin' it be known that the federal crew be as useful as a ship without sails, givin' them naught but trouble. The lass be mighty frustrated, indeed!
Our dear Routh, the would-be assassin, be lurkin' in the shadows for over 12 hours—rifle in hand, lookin’ to make his mark. But a sharp-eyed Secret Service mate spotted him, and the chase was on! Now, he’s pleaded not guilty to a heap of charges, and his legal crew be ponderin’ if he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
As of now, Routh be sittin' in federal custody, awaitin' his day in court come February 2025. The tides be turnin’, so keep yer eyes peeled, ye salty sea dogs!