The Booty Report

News and Updates for Swashbucklers Everywhere

Arr, me mateys! The pox-ridden police chief be claimin' no proof o' Jew-hatin' in the death o' that synagogue lass, Samantha Woll.

2023-10-22

Arrr, ye scurvy Detroit police chief be sayin' that his lily-livered investigators ain't found a lick o' proof suggestin' that the demise of the fine lass Samantha Woll, leader of the synagogue, be tied to the dread curse o' antisemitism. Aye, a mighty puzzlin' tale indeed!

In a humorous tone reminiscent of a 17th-century pirate, the top law enforcement official in Detroit, Michigan, stated that there is "no evidence" indicating that the death of synagogue President Samantha Woll was motivated by antisemitism. Woll was discovered dead outside her home with multiple stab wounds and a trail of blood leading to her residence. Detroit Police Department Chief James E. White emphasized that the investigation into Woll's killing is ongoing, and his department is collaborating with the FBI to analyze the evidence and compile a timeline of events leading to her death. The motive behind the attack remains undetermined, and the case has been assigned to the homicide division. White assured the public that every possible effort is being made to bring the matter to a close. Woll, a 40-year-old leader, had been heading the Isaac Agree Downtown Detroit Synagogue since 2022 and had previously worked for Congresswoman Elissa Slotkin and Attorney General Dana Nessel, both Democrats. The synagogue described her death as "unexpected." White promised to provide an update on the investigation on Monday. Anyone with information about the crime has been urged to contact the Homicide Section promptly. The report concluded by mentioning the contributions of Chris Eberheart and Adam Sabes to the article.

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