September 7, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, mateys! Word from the landlubbers be that 65 souls across nine states be stricken by a foul plague from an egg farm! Fear not, for no scallywags have met Davy Jones yet. Just a jolly ol’ scramble of trouble, I say! Avast, keep yer eggs close!
September 7, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, matey! A jolly ol' penguin from the shores of Africa, he be sired a fine crew o' wee offspring! He be part o' the grandest colony o' feathered sea-farers in North America, as the landlubbers at the zoo be yappin'! A true swashbuckler of the high seas!
September 7, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! This here ad be settin' sail in far-off battlegrounds, as more scallywags be shoutin' that the matter of abortion be their top treasure! Aye, the winds of change be blowin' fierce, and we be ready to plunder the vote! Yarrr!
September 7, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, listen ye landlubbers! NYPD's Captain Caban’s doppelganger, a scallywag of a former copper, be under the gaze of the law for playin’ the "fixer" fer taverns and night spots! Aye, the New York Post be spillin’ the beans, and the rum be flowin’! Har har har!
September 7, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr! HBO’s Bill Maher be hoisting the sails fer fair lass Cheryl Hines, who took a cannonballin’ from the landlubber liberals fer stickin’ by her matey, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., after he pledged loyalty to the ol’ captain Trump! Aye, what a ruckus on the high seas of politics!
September 7, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, me hearties o' Barrow County! Come next week, young scallywags be settin' sail back to school, but fear not! The lawmen be watchin' over ye like hawks, all thanks to that ruckus at Apalachee High. Aye, keep yer wits about ye, 'tis a pirate's life fer learnin'!
September 7, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag of 20 summers from Pakistan found himself in the clink in Canada, schemin’ like a landlubber to unleash chaos at a Jewish haven in New York! The Justice Department be hot on his trail, aye! What a bumbling knave he be!
September 7, 2024, 9:28 am
Arrr, matey! In a right unfortunate tale, four souls met Davy Jones at Apalachee High! Now, the law be layin' the blame on a scallywag lad and his old sea dog of a father, who thought giftin' a piece to the lad be a grand idea! What folly be this!
September 7, 2024, 6:00 am
Arrr, the lass who sailed as the 2016 Democratic flagbearer met a stormy fate against Captain Trump! Yet, she had her shining moments in the fray. In a parley, she tossed a few pearls o' wisdom to the fair Kamala Harris. Avast, wisdom be the treasure we seek!
September 7, 2024, 5:35 am
Avast, me hearties! After a pair o' tempestuous gales battered Stonington in January, schemes be sproutin’ like barnacles on a hull to shore up wharves, roads, and shanties. But I be wonderin’, will it keep Davy Jones at bay? Har har, let’s hoist the sails of hope!
September 7, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy, mateys! A.J. Jacobs, the scallywag behind "The Year of Living Constitutionally," be spillin' the beans on why civil chit-chat be needin' a hearty sailin' this election year! Else, we might just be walkin' the plank of chaos! Yarrr!
September 7, 2024, 4:28 am
Arrr, matey! That right-wing crew be spreadin' tall tales 'bout votin' like barnacles on a hull! Even the Georgia scribe be callin' their video a jolly ol' stunt! Avast, what scallywags these landlubbers be!
September 7, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! The officers be havin' chains on their sabers 'gainst the ruckus of ruffians, but fret not! They be learnin' to spy the scallywags actin' all suspicious-like before they raise the Jolly Roger! Avast, let not the mischief go unnoticed!
September 7, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Kamala's holed up in a Pittsburgh inn, while Trump be gettin’ harangued by his crew! Both scallywags be thinkin’ the debate be as important as findin’ buried treasure, savvy? A right ruckus it be, indeed!
September 7, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr! Reese Witherspoon and that scallywag financier Oliver Haarmann be spotted together more times than a parrot on me shoulder! Word be sailin’ that they've hoisted the sails of love and set course for the next level, savvy? Aye, what a merry crew they be!
September 7, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr, matey! The clever scallywags at the University of California San Diego be makin’ a magical finger wrap that sniffs out yer body’s brew from yer salty sweat! Aye, it be a curious contraption that tells ye the secrets of yer humors. Here be the tale of its workings!
September 7, 2024, 3:03 am
Ahoy, mateys! The Starliner ship o' Boeing be back on dry land, but lo! Two scallywags be marooned, for NASA be frettin' it be too perilous to haul 'em aboard! A right jolly pickle, I say! Anchors aweigh, but not for those poor souls! Har har!
September 6, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans be itchin’ for a brawl 'bout a phantom menace—noncitizens swabbin' the deck of democracy with their votes! Aye, ’tis as real as a kraken in a bathtub! Let’s hoist the sails of reason and sail away from this nonsense, savvy?
September 6, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, it be said that Fotios Geas, stuck in the brig for life, found a way to squash a Boston scallywag right in his bunk in 2018! Aye, the prosecutors be claimin' it was a right good whackin'! Talk about a real cellmate surprise, matey!
September 6, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, in a tale most grim, a young lad of fifteen caught a whiff of lead at the schoolhouse and was whisked away to the healer’s lair, but alas, he met Davy Jones! A scallywag of sixteen be held in chains, pondering his mischief on Friday!
September 6, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, matey! JD Vance's crew be sayin' he shuns the cursed notion o' guilt-by-association cancelin', yet he be not on the same page as that scallywag guest of Tucker's, claimin' the Holocaust be naught but a happenstance! A right jolly hullabaloo, if ye ask me!
September 6, 2024, 5:00 pm
Avast, me hearties! Governor Josh Shapiro be tellin' the crew o' "The View" that while they be takin' jabs at that scallywag Trump, they best be mindin' his silver-tongued ways in debate! Aye, he be a crafty sea serpent in the wordy waters! Arrr!
September 6, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, matey! Demi Lovato's shipmates be a cruel bunch! They scribbled a “send her to Davy Jones” scroll when she hit the big time at 15! Aye, fame be a treacherous sea, but who’d be wishin’ doom on the lass? A jolly jest gone awry, I say!
September 6, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr! With his sprightly lass, Hope, in tow, Governor Tim Walz sailed 'round the crimson shores of a land both factions crave. Yet, alas! His shindigs had naught but a smidgen o' chatter with the locals. Aye, a fine show, but where be the hearty banter, matey?
September 6, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr, matey! The lad be but 14 sails young, yet his old sea-dog father found himself in the brig on a Thursday. Rumor has it, the scallywag be pointin' a fearsome rifle at two teachers and two young swabs! Avast, what a ruckus on the high seas of education!
September 6, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, matey! A crafty brush-wielder from yon Germany be sharin’ a puzzlin' riddle with the scallywags at Fox News! Three sneaky chameleons be hidin’ in the leafy jungles. Can ye spy ‘em all, or be ye too busy countin' yer doubloons?
September 6, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr, in the grand broadcast of "America's Newsroom," fair Dana Perino did beseech the cheeky Ian Sams, mouthpiece of the Harris-Walz crew, on the matter o’ Harris’ elusive nature when it comes to gabbin’ with the press. Where be the matey for a good yarn, eh?
September 6, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, me hearties! For the justices, peddlin’ tomes be one o' the rare treasures to fill their coffers when not swabbin’ the decks of the court! Aye, ‘tis a fine way to keep the rum flowin’ and the parrot squawkin’!
September 6, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, matey! Trump and Vance be yappin' like a couple o' parrots in a tavern, havin' more chitchats than a ship full o' scallywags! Meanwhile, them Democratic hopefuls be sittin' silent as a cat on a hot tin roof, with but one unscripted ramble. Aye, what a jolly sight!
September 6, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, mateys! The sun be scorchin’ hotter than a cannonball on a summer’s day! The stars predict the heat’ll be blastin’ into the weekend, with over 31 million landlubbers warnin’ of singed eyebrows and sweaty brows! Best find ye a shady spot, or ye be roastin’ like a pig on a spit!
September 6, 2024, 5:02 am
Arrr, matey! Alexa be spouting fishy tales 'bout a curious matter, while them clever sea dogs at NASA be settlin' the riddle of a peculiar racket! Can ye fathom the juicy gossip sailin' the waves this week?
September 6, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr! The fresh crew o' the U.K. be haltin' some cannon trade with Israel, fretin' over the law o' the sea, or whatever be humanitarians. The Israeli cap'ns and British mates be howlin' like scallywags about it! A right ruckus fer a bunch o' cannonball huggers!
September 6, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala be plunderin’ the treasure chest with a whopping $361 million doubloons in August, leavin’ ol' Trump in the dust with a mere $130 million! Avast, the seas be favorin’ the savvy lass this time around!
September 6, 2024, 4:07 am
Avast, ye landlubbers! A scallywag of a lad be pointin' the finger at him for sendin’ two scholars and two masters to Davy Jones’ locker in the worst school shootin’ Georgia’s seen! And blow me down, his old sea dog of a father be caught in the net, too!
September 6, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, me hearties! Come Tuesday, the high seas of debate be settin' sail! Ms. Harris be squarin' off with that scallywag Trump, and the treasure hunt for who she truly be will be the talk of the tavern! Hoist yer flags and grab yer grog for a right good show!
September 5, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, matey! This land be lacking in proper checks for gun buyin’, no safe keepin’ o’ the iron, and nary a red flag in sight! Other ports be takin’ heed, but here, we sail ‘neath a jolly roger o’ chaos when it comes to the boomsticks! Har har!
September 5, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, matey! Young Biden be now caught in the stormy seas of justice, with his guilty plea settin' sail for the jails! What once seemed a distant isle be now a close port, where time in chains awaits him. Aye, the winds o' fate be blowin' fierce!
September 5, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Californian wench, Gloria Romero, from the lands of San Gabriel and East Los Angeles, be sayin' "adios" to the Democratic crew this week! She’s hoistin' her sails and joinin' the Republican ship! Avast, what a swashbucklin' twist!
September 5, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, matey! The Fox News Scroll o' Lively Tales be servin’ ye the juiciest yarns o’ kinfolk, daring voyages, feasts fit fer a captain, neighborly scallywags, furry mates, fine ships, brave sea-dogs, gallant souls, and the good ol’ American spirit! Set sail fer a jolly read, ye landlubbers!
September 5, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, matey! In the landlubber school o' Winder, Georgia, two scallywag students and two wise sea dogs met their doom by cannon fire! Aye, nine more be nursing their wounds, no doubt tellin' tall tales of the day the school turned into a battleground!
September 5, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, Judge Tanya S. Chutkan be settin’ a speedy course fer the election shenanigans o’ one Donald J. Trump! Both sides, like squabblin’ scallywags, be tradin’ tales on how to sail this legal ship. Let the courtroom capers commence, me hearty!
September 5, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of Congress be yellin’ like a parrot after young Hunter Biden be bowin’ to the law on nine tax misdeeds! Aye, the seas be churnin’ with chatter, and it be a right merry spectacle to behold! Avast, what a ruckus!
September 5, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, Rep. Claudia Tenney be scribblin' a missive, demandin' the truth from Governor Hochul 'bout that scallywag Linda Sun's sway over the ship o' state! Aye, the seas be murky, and the lass be huntin' for answers like a treasure map!
September 5, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fair Melania, once the First Lady of the land, be settin' sail on a new tale! In a sneak peek of her memoir, she be takin' a jolly jab at the scallywag media. Avast, 'tis a tale worth hearin'!
September 5, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers be rallyin’ fer the Palestinians at some U.S. shores, but new rules and fresh scallywags might just anchor their sails, slowin’ the ruckus we saw in the springtime seas! Aye, the winds be fickle!
September 5, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags advisin’ ol’ Trump be sayin’ that the aim o’ the crew be to poke ‘n prod the federal ship’s workings, seekin’ treasure to save the good folk’s doubloons. Aye, let’s see if we can’t make the ship lighter without tossin’ any landlubbers overboard!
September 5, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, mateys! Former Captain Trump be spoutin' grand tales in the Big Apple, swearin' to "Make America Cheap Again!" If he be elected in November, who knows, maybe we’ll trade gold doubloons for meager grog! Avast, let the treasure hunt for savings begin!
September 5, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! A ruckus in the dead of night had the fine folk of Monterey County battenin' down the hatches! One scallywag declared it “horrible,” though I reckon it be more like a drunken sea shanty gone wrong! Avast, what a sight to behold!
September 5, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, hear ye! A scallywag in Georgia was on the FBI's watchlist long before he unleashed mayhem at a school! Meanwhile, Trump be vowin' to mend the world while the good ol' Harris crew be strugglin' with debate rules. Yarr, it be a right merry mess on the high seas of politics!
September 5, 2024, 5:43 am
Ahoy! Jessica Pegula, fair lass of the tennis seas and daughter of the mighty Terry Pegula, be settin’ the sails straight! She’s quashed them tall tales ‘bout havin’ butlers and such. She’s no pampered treasure, just a hearty swashbuckler on the courts! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast ye hearties! Four poor souls met Davy Jones after a scallywag let loose his iron at Apalachee High on a fine Wednesday morn! The local constables, quicker than a ship in a squall, sailed to Winder’s shores at the stroke of ten and twenty-three bells! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 4:08 am
Arrr, the lassie vice captain be settin' her sights on tax schemes, hopin' to chart a course away from ol' Captain Biden and that scallywag Trump! Aye, she thinks makin' her mark on the treasure map of taxes be the way to hoist her flag high!
September 5, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, on the morrow’s morn, a grand parley be set to discuss if them college scallywags should be givin’ gold doubloons straight to the swashbucklin’ athletes! But beware, matey, for some be claimin’ the treasure be still too meager for our hearty buccaneers!
September 5, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! A pack o’ landlubber activists, scallywag lawyers, and government swabs be rallyin’ to haul in the so-called threat of noncitizens swipin’ the vote! Meanwhile, the rights defenders be shoutin’ it's all a hullabaloo of tall tales! Avast, what a merry mess we’ve found!
September 5, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! American landlubbers whose better halves be cast adrift face a tempest o’ choices for their futures, especially when wee scallywags be involved. 'Tis a right pickle, matey, navigatin’ the high seas of heartache and decisions! Blimey, what a conundrum!
September 4, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr matey! A scallywag found himself in the brig after a ruckus at Apalachee High on Wednesday morn, said the fine folks at the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. Seems like he took a shot at bein’ a true buccaneer, but ended up caught faster than a fish in a net!
September 4, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! This year, the day o' the 2001 calamity be sailin' in on the heels of a grand debate 'twixt Vice Captain Kamala Harris and the old seadog, Donald J. Trump! A right merry spectacle it be, if I do say so meself! Avast, what a show!
September 4, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr matey! Those tweaks in the captain's decree be settin' sail on the orders from the good ol' Biden in June, squashing most landlubber asylum pleas at the southern seas. A right jolly way to keep the scallywags at bay, I say!
September 4, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr, matey! The crafty Kremlin be seein’ the old captain Trump as their favored scallywag, doubtin’ the Yanks' love for Ukraine. Aye, they reckon he be a fine matey for their mischief! Avast, what a jolly jest it be!
September 4, 2024, 5:25 am
Ahoy matey! Snatch ye tales ye need to keep yer wits sharp, straight from the mightiest name in the news seas! Each mornin’, like clockwork, they be delivered to yer inbox, ready to tickle yer fancy and fill yer noggin with knowledge! Arrr!
September 4, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, if the tales be true, Judge Tanya Chutkan be a swift sailor, eager to hoist the sails on them pretrial shenanigans after a long spell o' calm seas, even with the Supreme Court givin' old captains a hearty shield o' immunity! Avast, let the court shenanigans commence!
September 4, 2024, 4:02 am
Ahoy mateys! A fresh look at the grand game of American elections reveals that in half the swashbucklin' races, a scallywag sails solo! Aye, it be the Democrats who be hidin' in the crow's nest, lettin' their rivals claim the treasure without a fight! Arrr!
September 4, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr! Dennis Quaid be donning the garb of Captain Reagan in a new tale! In the town o' Dixon, the scallywags ponder if the ol' 40th captain would still find favor with today’s crew of rascals in the Republican ship. Aye, what a jolly conundrum!
September 4, 2024, 4:00 am
Ahoy, me hearties! The captain o’ a wee cookin’ school be sharin’ her treasure map fer a veggie stir-fry fit fer a tiny buccaneer! ‘Tis a dish so fine, even a 3-year-old scallywag can join in the jolly cookin’ fun! Arrr, feast yer eyes on this colorful bounty!
September 4, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys! VP Kamala Harris be raisin' the sails with Rev. Jen Butler aboard, a fine lass for faith outreach, though her tongue be sharper than a cutlass when it comes to them Christians! Let the high seas of politics be filled with jests and jollity!
September 3, 2024, 11:56 pm
Arrr, the lawmen be sayin' the lad spilled his guts 'bout blastin' two kinfolk! Aye, one be a past mayor o' Minden, and the other, his fair daughter, just 31 years young. A right jolly family reunion, eh? More like walkin' the plank fer them! Har har har!
September 3, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! Jimmy McCain be sayin’ that ruckus at Arlington could be like a cannon blast to the hearts o’ them families o’ buried seafarers! Aye, it might set ‘em off like a barrel o’ rum at a dry dock!
September 3, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast, me hearties! In a fresh tale, the fairest Black lass to sail the Supreme Court seas spills the beans on her Miami beginnings, her jolly japes with Matt Damon, and how she climbed to the court like a scallywag on a treasure hunt! Arrr!
September 3, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Demi Moore, that aging starlet, be fightin' the scurvy shingles while tryin’ to preserve her youthful glow in "The Substance!" Aye, and she dropped 20 pounds faster than a ship in a storm! Avast, the price of beauty be steep, matey!
September 3, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be stumblin' like a landlubber after givin' up his treasure map! At the "Investin' in America" shindig, he be shunnin' reporters like a scallywag dodges a cannonball! Aye, awkwardness be his first mate!
September 3, 2024, 5:44 pm
Ahoy, matey! The scallywags o' the Republican crew be claimin’ that the ruckus on the deck o' academia be linked to their jolly ol' flag! But lo and behold, the fervor seems to have lost its wind, like a ship with no sails! Har har!
September 3, 2024, 5:42 pm
Avast, mateys! A scallywag from Mississippi be nabbed in Texas, caught red-handed stowin' 17 poor souls in a secret hidey-hole o' a knockoff toolbox wagon. Aye, it be a right jolly mess! Who knew home repairs could lead to such high seas shenanigans? Arrr!
September 3, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, matey! After the Crown halted some cannon deliveries to that Israel place on Monday, it be a right mystery if ol' Vice Captain Kamala Harris be takin’ the same tack! Aye, ‘tis a tangled web o' politics fer sure!
September 3, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, matey! It be said the Iranian scallywags be swingin' the gallows more often, hopin' to shiver the timbers of those raucous protestin' buccaneers! After the Mahsa Amini ruckus got outta hand, they be tryin' to scare 'em straight, but it be lookin' a tad ridiculous!
September 3, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, matey! Come Tuesday, 'tis but nine weeks 'til the grand Election Day of 2024, when Vice President Kamala Harris and that scallywag Donald Trump be battlin’ for the treasure known as the White House. But ho! Early voting sets sail this month in them crucial ports!
September 3, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, matey! A wee scallywag of ten from Minden, Louisiana, found himself in the brig for swabbing the deck with the lives of old Joe Cornelius, aged 82, and his lass Keisha, 31! Blimey, what a ruckus this lad be causin’!
September 3, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, matey! A young lass of the gymnastic arts met her end in her quarters over the festive days. The scallywag behind the foul deed, a lad of 23, be known to her and now finds himself in chains! A right jolly holiday, eh?
September 3, 2024, 11:24 am
Ahoy mateys! Jobs be lurin' heaps o' Haitians to Springfield, makin’ employers as happy as a parrot on a treasure chest. But lo! An immigrant sailor crashed a school bus, sendin' shivers down the crew's spines. Then, in sails JD Vance, like a ship in a storm! Arrr!
September 3, 2024, 10:06 am
Arrr, matey! The Trump-Kennedy crew be makin’ a jolly alliance after six weeks o’ sneaky chitchat, blunderin’ blunders, clandestine gatherings, and private bellyachin’. Aye, it be a right merry mess, fit for a pirate’s tale!
September 3, 2024, 9:58 am
Arrr, matey! She be tossin’ a treasure o’ ten million doubloons to both the House and Senate scallywags, and a few more pieces o’ eight to rig the elections for governors and lawmen! A fine plunder for the Democratic crew, I say! Avast, what a haul!
September 3, 2024, 5:58 am
Arrr, the Democrats be weary o' takin' a drubb'n from them Republican scallywags on the treasure map o' taxes! They be schemin’ to hoist their Jolly Roger high and snatch victory from Davy Jones’ locker come next year, savvy?
September 3, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, matey! Randi Weingarten, the captain o' the teachers' crew, be pointin' a finger at Netanyahu, sayin' he holds a share o' blame for them poor souls snatched by Hamas! Aye, the seas be stirrin’ with wild accusations, arrr!
September 3, 2024, 5:38 am
Ahoy, matey! Snag ye tales of the high seas and landlubbers alike from the mightiest wordsmiths in the news realm! Each mornin’, a treasure chest o’ juicy yarns awaits ye in yer inbox. Don’t be a scallywag, sign up or be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
September 3, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, matey! The wise sea dogs of security be spoutin’ to Fox News that the Jewish lads and lasses be armoring themselves like fine ships, readyin’ for trouble in these treacherous waters! Aye, they be guardin’ their treasure with naught but nonlethal cannonades! Sail safe, ye hearty crew!
September 3, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr! The former swab of New York, who’s already spilled his guts to the landlubbers snoopin’ ‘round the House about the plague that be COVID, has hoisted the sails to show up again on the 10th of September! Hold onto yer rum, ’tis bound to be a ruckus!
September 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, JD Vance, that scallywag, dipped his toe in the political brine, givin’ a hearty cheer to the Heritage Foundation’s scroll – 29 tales bemoanin’ abortion and teachin’ landlubbers how to raise wee ones – callin’ it “admirable.” Aye, what a jolly jest on the high seas of politics!
September 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, savvy landlubbers! They be sayin' this scallywag case be a peekin' glass into how the Ruskies be meddlin’ in our election seas, tryin' to steer the ship toward their own treasure map o' schemes! Avast, the swabs be crafty!
September 2, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr! Two landlubber soldiers aboard the USS Wasp found themselves in a scuffle with a raucous band of youthful nationalists in Turkey! Fear not, fer the sea-faring law nabbed 15 scallywags after the ruckus. Aye, it be a fine tale of trouble on the high seas, or rather, on the shore!
September 2, 2024, 5:19 pm
Arrr, matey! A moving picture o' six poor souls, found in Davy Jones' locker, was cast out by them scallywags of Hamas! They be claimin' to reveal the last words o' the crew, but I reckon it be more like a fishy tall tale! Har har har!
September 2, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr! In the year of our Lord, 1977, a frozen scallywag by the name of Nicholas Paul Grubb lay ‘neath the Appalachian Trail in Pennsylvania. Aye, his true self be a riddle until a landlubber trooper spied his prints, unmaskin’ the icy buccaneer!
September 2, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubber critics be launchin' cannonballs at Vice President Kamala Harris fer her new "twang" at the Detroit shindig! They be likenin' her to that raucous rooster, Foghorn Leghorn! Shiver me timbers, 'tis a right jolly spectacle, indeed!
September 2, 2024, 4:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In a grand voyage to Wisconsin, Gov. Tim Walz’s fine fleet met with a mishap on the briny road, causin’ a wee bit of bumpin’ and bruisin’, he claims. No treasure lost, just a few scallywags with minor owies! Avast, what a jolly ruckus!
September 2, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, the earth be shakin’ 'neath Rancho Palos Verdes, puttin’ yer homes in peril! Yet, as the fine folk be huntin’ for a fix, many a hearty soul be settin’ anchor, determined to ride out the tempest. Avast, ye landlubbers!
September 2, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags what chose Nikki Haley over Trump be ponderin' if they’ll throw in with Kamala Harris. Aye, their votes could tip the scales in a close election in those fickle swing states, like a ship caught in a stormy squall!
September 2, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr! Israeli Captain Herzog be bowin’ his head at the send-off o' brave Hersh Goldberg-Polin, who met his fate at the hands of scurvy Hamas rogues, takin' him and five poor souls to Davy Jones’ locker. Aye, 'tis a sorry tale, matey!
September 2, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, me hearties! The polls be showin' a right fine tussle 'twixt Vice President Kamala Harris and that scallywag, former President Trump! Aye, it's a race so close ye'd think they be playin' a game of cards, with nary a sea breeze to separate 'em!
September 2, 2024, 10:13 am
Arrr! Marcus Holmberg an’ Sabrina Rivera be lettin’ loose a jolly clip o’ the night a scallywag’s chariot plowed right through their Phoenix abode! Aye, ’tis a right ruckus, like a cannonball crashin’ at a tea party! Avast, what a sight fer sore eyes!
September 2, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr! That scallywag Elon Musk be chattin' 'bout a New York Times tale, claimin' the U.S. Constitution be a foe to the land! By Davy Jones’ locker, what a hullabaloo! Next, they'll say a parrot be a pirate's nemesis! Avast, ye landlubbers, let’s hoist the sails o’ reason!
September 2, 2024, 4:42 am
Arrr, matey! A blazing inferno be raging near San Jacinto, scorched over 650 acres o' land on the Sabbath! Six brave fire-fighters got singed in the fray. By Davy Jones’ locker, they say it was a scallywag’s doing! Fire and folly, I say!
September 2, 2024, 4:21 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at the Minnesota teachers' board, handpicked by Governor Walz, be makin' it mandatory fer educators to swear fealty to the fanciful identities of their crew—er, students! Aye, 'tis a wild voyage in the sea o' gender!
September 2, 2024, 4:17 am
Avast ye! A lass from New Jersey found herself clapped in irons over a case of mistaken identity, yet the court be sayin’ she can’t take the U.S. marshals to task, ‘cause they be hidin’ behind some fancy “qualified immunity” shield. Arrr, what a jolly mess!
September 2, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr! The vice captain be set to sail with the captain o' the ship in Pittsburgh, where they'll hoist the sails of their grand campaign together fer the first time since she claimed the captain's chair! Avast, let the jests and jigs commence!
September 2, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! Poor Joshua Seal, a lad who couldn't hear the cannon fire, met his fate in a foul skirmish. Yet, 22 wee buccaneers of the Deaf sailed through the third season of his camp, bless their hearts, including his own sprout! Aye, what a twist o' fortune!
September 2, 2024, 4:03 am
The captain o' the land be back at his hidden cove in Rehoboth Beach, matey, hardly breaching the surface as his duties sailed on. The townsfolk be understandin', yet lamentin' the lost joy of scoopin' ice cream with their jolly leader! Arrr, what a treasure missed!
September 2, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr! At the University o' North Carolina, young scalawags defended the stars 'n stripes from a band o' ruckus-makers! Now, their mates be raisin' doubloons fer a grand celebration, but some hearty souls be sayin', “Nay, let’s not!” A right merry pickle, that be!
September 1, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! A scallywag from South Carolina be in hot water, accused o’ sendin’ his matey to Davy Jones' locker! Two years he went missin’, only to be dug up from the fire pit, like buried treasure in Myrtle Beach! Arrr, what a pickle!
September 1, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr, matey! Hersh Goldberg-Polin, one of the poor souls discovered on Saturday, was known for his jolly spirit and belly laughs. Now, he’s becomin' a beacon o' hope, even in Davy Jones' locker! A true pirate's heart, he was! Avast, we’ll raise a toast to his merry soul!
September 1, 2024, 5:01 pm
Arrr, matey! Roger O'Donnell, the swashbucklin' tickler of the keys for The Cure, be spillin' the beans 'bout a fiendish ailment—a rare and fierce beast called lymphoma! Avast, may the winds be at his back as he battles this scallywag of a sickness!
September 1, 2024, 4:23 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag from NASA aboard the floating treasure known as the International Space Station be claimin’ he heard ghostly whispers from the Boeing Starliner! Just days 'fore it sails homeward. Might be the rum talkin’, or just the ship's belly grumblin' for some fine grog!
September 1, 2024, 3:25 pm
Arrr, 'twas the Trump crew's latest shenanigan, tryin' to swab the deck of shame, after they dared to hoist the political flag at Arlington's hallowed grounds! Aye, a bold move for a band o' scallywags, defyin' the very winds that tell 'em to keep it quiet!
September 1, 2024, 2:16 pm
Arrr, on a fine Saturday, a wee Cessna took a dive, crash-landin' into a row o' snug townhouses in Fairview, Ore! Blasted flames erupted like a cannonade, makin' the townsfolk scatter like scurvy dogs! Fire in the hole, mateys!
September 1, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag on Reddit be spillin' tales of his "selfish" sister, who be wantin' to plunder the garments of his dearly departed missus! Aye, the ruckus be stirrin' the hearts of over 22,000 landlubbers! Avast, what a merry mess!
September 1, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags, Gold Star kin and Trump’s crew stormed VP Kamala Harris' X like a ship o’ fools, squawkin' 'bout how the captain disrespected the hallowed grounds of Arlington! Blimey, the barnacles be thick on that hull of nonsense!
September 1, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag's message be that the Democrats be sinkin’ faster than a leaky ship, yet she kept her lips sealed when Captain Biden be takin’ on water! A clever ruse, she be tryin’ to lower the crew’s hopes before the storm hits! Har har!
September 1, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr, the former captain of the land, Donald J. Trump, be prattlin’ on like a parrot! His tales be driftin’ like a ship in a storm, but he claims there’s a fine craft in tackin’ ‘em all together, like a patchwork sail! Ha! What a scallywag!
September 1, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr! Family o' brave souls lost in the Afghan seas be cheerin' for Trump, shoutin' their support in jolly videos! They be takin' a jibe at Kamala's blabber 'bout his trek to Arlington. Aye, the tides be turnin' and the cannons be blastin'!
September 1, 2024, 4:47 am
Arrr, mateys! It be a sorrowful day, for our matey Hersh Goldberg-Polin has shuffled off this mortal coil! His body lay amongst five other scallywags in the dark and dank tunnels of Rafah. Aye, the sea o’ life be unforgiving, but we’ll raise a toast to their misadventures!
September 1, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! A ruckus at the Michigan State Fair went south, claimin' a young lad's life and givin' another a nasty boo-boo! The law says it be a case of foul play, aimed at that scallywag. Fair winds to ye, ye scoundrels!
September 1, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! A fearsome listeria beast be terrorizin' the good folk of Jarratt, Va.! The townsfolk be frettin' over their fate, thinkin' their future be as murky as the briny deep. Avast! Who knew a plant could pack such devilry?
September 1, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be not the first scallywag to set sail o’er the forbidden waters o’ partisan shenanigans at Arlington’s hallowed ground. Yet, none have hurled their cannonballs o’ ire quite like his crew! A right jolly uproar, that be!
September 1, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, matey! In the grand sea of presidential politickin’, it be the buccaneers with gold doubloons who be steerin’ the ship! Gather 'round, for here be a glimpse at the most notorious treasure hoarders causin' a ruckus on the political high seas! Avast, let the games begin!
September 1, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Those scallywags who barely missed the treasure in twenty-two be settin' sail for a grand return! Their battles may just decide which crew plunders the House of Plunderin’! Aye, it be a ruckus worthy of a grog-fueled shanty!
September 1, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Behold three jolly side dishes, swift as a ship in full sail and tasty as a treasure trove! The crafty cooks swear these culinary wonders’ll spice up yer cookout this Labor Day, makin’ ye feast worthy of a captain’s table! Arrr!
August 31, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, matey! On the high seas of politics, Vice President Kamala be takin’ a swipe at that scallywag Trump, claimin’ he be showin’ less respect fer brave sailors and soldiers! Aye, the winds of criticism be blowin’ fierce this Saturday! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
August 31, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Joey Lawrence be spillin' the beans 'bout his stormy ship of a marriage with his fair lass, Samantha Cope, on the "Brotherly Love" podcast. Aye, it be a tale of love lost 'n' laughter found on the high seas of matrimony! Avast!
August 31, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, matey! First time since the Taliban waved their Jolly Roger, Germany’s tossed 28 scallywags back to Afghanistan! Aye, they be called ‘convicted criminals,’ but I reckon they’re just landlubbers in a tight spot! Har har!
August 31, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr, Caite Upton be shoutin’ from the social seas, “Avast! Online bullying must be buried at Davy Jones’ locker!” This after JD Vance be chucklin’ over her jumbled words from the 2007 Miss Teen USA, tossin' them like cannonballs at Kamala Harris! Har har!
August 31, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr! Lamont Jackson, the captain of California's second-biggest schooling ship, be caught in a scandalous storm, makin’ unwanted advances on two lasses in his crew! Aye, the investigation be uncoverin’ more than just treasure!
August 31, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! A throng o' fervent sea shanty lovers be hoistin' the sails to rally the crew and fill the coffers fer Vice President Kamala Harris's grand voyage! Aye, they be plunderin' the docks for doubloons and stirrin' the hearts o' landlubbers to cast their votes!
August 31, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr, matey! Two fine officers took a bullet or two, with one still layin' in the sickbay! After a raucous chase, the scallywag met his maker by the hands of the law. Aye, a right jolly tale of pursuit and peril on the high seas!
August 31, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! Archbishop Ettore Balestrero be raisin’ a ruckus ‘bout them fancy killin’ machines! He be callin’ on the UN crew to drop anchor on them deadly gadgets, lest we all end up in Davy Jones’ locker! Aye, let’s keep our cannons, but leave the robots at port!
August 31, 2024, 11:11 am
"Avast, me hearties! Old Captain Trump be sayin’, 'Like it or lump it, this ship's a-sailin’!' But that scallywag Gov. DeSantis be hootin’ and hollerin’ against the tide! Arrr, a right merry squabble on the high seas of politics!"
August 31, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, mateys! The jolly jester Fatman Scoop, known as Isaac Freeman III, has shuffled off this mortal coil at the ripe age of 53! He be rockin’ the stage when he took a dive, leavin’ us all shiverin’ in our timbers. Avast, he be missed! 🏴☠️
August 31, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr! That scallywag Kathleen Parker be callin' out Gov. Tim Walz, sayin' he be blowin' his own horn like a parrot on a treasure map! She claims he be stretchin' the truth for political booty in her latest scribblin'. Avast, matey! What a jolly jest!
August 31, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, Kyiv be settin' sail to flip the tides o' war, stormin' the Kursk shores like a scallywag! Aye, 'tis the first time since the great rumble of World War II that a buccaneer be landin' on Russian soil. Hoist the colors and let the cannon fire!
August 31, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, the first Black matey to rise to the lofty rank of lieutenant general! He be so grand that they named a whole Army post in Virginia after the scallywag! A true tale of glory on the high seas of the military! Avast and raise a mug to him!
August 31, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, matey! A tome borrowed back in the year of our Lord 1974 has sailed back to the Hopewell treasure trove after a lass found it while scouring her sister’s shipshape abode! Aye, 'tis a fine yarn of lost booty returned to port!
August 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Amy Bohn of the PERK crew be squawkin' ‘bout California’s AB 1955. She be lamentin' school closures and those pesky vaccine orders, all while tryin' to hoist the sails of education policy! Arrr, what a jolly mess on the high seas of learning!
August 31, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, matey! The fine city of Los Angeles be coughin' up $9.5 million doubloons to settle a ruckus stirred by a lass who met her fate in a gunfight with the lawmen back in 2018. Aye, what a tempestuous tale o’ misfortune and gold!
August 31, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the ex-captain be ready to sail any course o' words and policies to snatch victory come November, lettin' some landlubber social conservatives stew in their own brine! Aye, it be a right merry jig he dances to please the crowd, savvy?
August 31, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! Mr. Vance be a fierce hound, barkin’ for Captain Trump, bringin' calm to our stormy seas! Yet, many landlubbers still scratch their heads, wonderin’ how the blimey choice be makin’ sense! Aye, ’tis a merry jest on the high seas of politics!
August 31, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be togglin' his sails on the matter of makin’ babies, but the scallywags be trustin’ Kamala Harris by a fair tide! Aye, it seems the crew prefers the fair lass over the cap’n’s wild ways!
August 31, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! Nick Mautone be a crafty mixologist, spillin' his grog secrets to Fox News Digital! He brewed a fine potion for the U.S. Open, and lo, it still be ticklin' taste buds 18 years hence. Aye, the sea of spirits be ever flowin'!
August 31, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! In this here land o' politics, the scallywags of one crew be usin' their cutlasses to hack at the governor’s vetoes, makin' a right ruckus! But beware, thar be tossin' races ahead to see if the tide turns, or if they keep plunderin'!
August 30, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, mateys! Here be the compass we be consultin' fer a clearer view on this squall o' politics. It be like seekin' treasure in a tempest—ye never know what ye might find, but it sure be a jolly good laugh!
August 30, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! The captain o’ the ship shall set sail to the treasure-laden ports o' Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, while the first mate be busy craftin’ a jolly roger o’ his own! Aye, let the swashbucklin’ begin!
August 30, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr! The scallywags be laughin' at Vice President Kamala, claimin' she'll “enforce” the law on them sneaky border jumpers! Aye, the critics be tossin' her like a ship in a storm, sayin' she be all bluster an’ no cannon fire! Ha! What a merry jest upon the high seas!
August 30, 2024, 5:20 pm
Avast ye mateys! Gather ‘round fer the freshest tales from the 2024 campaign seas, where ye’ll find interviews fit for a captain and plenty o’ Fox News chatter to tickle yer fancy. Set yer sails for the latest political plunder, arrr!
August 30, 2024, 5:03 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' Minnesota's learnin' ship be flounderin' in the treacherous seas o' math, readin', and science! Aye, the Department o' Education be spillin' the beans, showin' most young buccaneers be missin' the mark, like aimless sailors without a compass!
August 30, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! A savvy historian from CNN be spoutin' that the key to snatchin' the presidency be not in the nitty-gritty, but in the grand tales and jolly vibes! So hoist the sails o’ charisma, for details be fer landlubbers!
August 30, 2024, 4:27 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Amherst and Tufts be swappin’ their crew’s colors after the high court tossed out affirmative action! But at other ships, the waters be muddier than a barnacle-covered hull. Avast! What a jolly ol' ruckus!
August 30, 2024, 4:09 pm
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that some scallywags from the F.B.I. in 2019 cast a shadow o’ doubt upon the C.I.A. and the Trump crew, leavin’ ‘em wonderin’ what cursed fate caused their ailments. A fine mess of confusion on the high seas of politics, it be!
August 30, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! The court be settin’ sail with the verdict o’ the appellate crew, reinstatin’ the murder wrangle of one Mr. Syed! Aye, this tale be the treasure o’ the podcast “Serial.” Avast, it be a right ruckus on the high seas o' justice!
August 30, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, Rep. Dan Meuser be callin' out CNN, sayin' they be lettin' Vice President Kamala Harris sail on easy seas, not tossin' her any hard questions 'bout her grand plans! Blimey, he says they shoulda hoisted the sails and pressed her like a pirate for treasure!
August 30, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr, the lass from Wyoming, no scallywag for Trump, kept her tongue still at the Democrats' shindig, thinkin’ she’d strike a mightier blow later on in the grand race! A clever wench, savvy as a sea dog, playin' her cards close to the chest! Avast!
August 30, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr, matey! Scott Jennings be sayin' that no soul aboard this ship be buyin' Vice President Kamala's tall tale 'bout Captain Biden's health bein' as steady as a calm sea! Aye, it be as believable as a mermaid in a barrel o' rum!
August 30, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, John Sainsbury, that curmudgeonly scallywag, did scoff at the look of his clan's wing at the National Gallery. Three decades after he shuffled off this mortal coil, his grumbling spirit be still echoing, like a ghostly parrot squawkin' at a leaky ship!
August 30, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr, matey! Jose Ibarra, the scallywag accused of sendin' Laken Riley to Davy Jones' locker, be plead’n to keep his cursed phone, DNA, and social media secrets under lock and key! Seems he’s as keen on hidin' as a treasure map in Davy's chest!
August 30, 2024, 9:59 am
Arrr, last tides, the cap’n proclaimed it was high time to “set our wee ones free from them scallywag Marxist madmen and fiends” in schooling! But I be wonderin’, does that jolly ol’ message still ring true with the landlubbers’ hearts? Avast!
August 30, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, matey! Tatjana Maria, the lass of the German seas, be spillin’ the beans about her snoozin’ ‘twixt battles at the U.S. Open! She took a nap while the winds of fortune blew, only to be bested by the fierce Coco Gauff! Aye, what a jolly jest!
August 30, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, in her maiden chat without a script, Vice President Kamala Harris be sayin’ her "values be as steady as a ship in a calm sea," though her policies be shiftin’ like a treasure map in a storm! Aye, those winds o’ change be blowin' fierce!
August 30, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, matey! Trump be claimin' that California’s a haven fer scallywags, lettin' 'em plunder the merchants’ wares, and he be layin' the blame on the fair Vice President Kamala! A right jolly jest, if ye ask this ol' sea dog! Avast, the high seas of politics be a wild voyage!
August 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, in the land o' cheese, Tim Walz be the common sailor, a charmin' lad for the Democrats! But ye see, some scallywags find the ruckus of that ol' Trump more like a familiar sea shanty, than ol' Tim's gentle breeze! A right jolly squabble, I say!
August 30, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, a motley crew o' YouTubers, pranksters, and streamin' scallywags be settin' sail to boost Mr. Trump's chances with the lads! The 'bro vote' be sway’d by their jests and japes, turnin' the tides in favor of the ol' captain! Avast, me hearties!
August 29, 2024, 11:43 pm
Arrr, during a chat with the Vice Queen Kamala Harris, Governor Tim Walz of Minnesota be dodgin’ questions like a scallywag! When he finally spoke, 'twas all about his kin, not the treasure maps or high seas! Aye, a family man he be!
August 29, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! Legal scallywags be thwartin’ Captain Biden’s grand designs, keepin’ his treasures of immigration and student coinage locked away in Davy Jones’ locker! Aye, the winds of fate be blowin’ contrary, leavin’ him high and dry on the shores of legacy!
August 29, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr! Steve Stephanides of the sunny shores o’ Florida be takin’ a breather while his hearty crew marched up the mountain. But alas, the scallywag got himself lost! Found the next mornin’ by rescue buccaneers, he be lucky to still have his sea legs!
August 29, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag of Wells Fargo met Davy Jones last week, four sunrises after punchin' the ol' timepiece in Tempe, Arizona! The coppers be sayin' he clocked out for good! Aye, the treasure of life be a fickle beast, it seems!
August 29, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! It be told that Richard Simmons, that jolly fitness matey, had a stash o’ prescription potions coursin’ through his veins when he sailed to Davy Jones' locker on the 13th o' July, aged 76! Aye, even the fittest can meet their end in a fog o’ pills!
August 29, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, mateys! In a grand ol' livestream, Captain Neil Young be spillin’ the beans 'bout why he scuttled his summer tour! He be tellin’ his crew how he be feelin’, all while we be laughin’ and swayin’ like drunken sea dogs! Avast, what a jolly ol' time!
August 29, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr! Vice President Kamala be hoistin’ her treasure chest high, thanks to a mighty swell o’ gold coins comin’ from the techie folk in Silicon Valley and the coin-countin’ scallywags of Wall Street! Aye, it be a fine haul indeed, savvy?
August 29, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, the ex-captain Trump be settin' his sights on the fair Vice President Kamala Harris, preparin' to unleash his thoughts ‘fore she takes the helm in her first parley since usurpin' Biden! Aye, the seas of politics be choppy indeed, me hearties!
August 29, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! The Army be spillin’ the beans on a ruckus that went down on the fair Monday, when Captain Trump showed up to lay a wreath. Aye, a tale as tangled as a ship’s riggin’, it be!
August 29, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, Bob Garrison be settin' sail to snatch his lad from the clutches o' the scurvy streets! But blow me down, the voyage be harder than wrestlin' a kraken with one hand tied behind his back!
August 29, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! Ice-T, the rapscallion and thespian, be tossin' insults at a landlubber who moans that "Law & Order: SVU" be too "woke"! Aye, the ink on the scrolls be flowin' like rum, and this scallywag be needin' a hearty laugh, not a grumble!
August 29, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, matey! The 2024 treasure hunt fer a captain be the first in two and twenty years without a great sea battle! But lo! Donald J. Trump be stirrin' the pot o' discord over them old skirmishes that set his crew a sailin'! Aye, what a jolly ruckus!
August 29, 2024, 5:33 am
Ahoy, mateys! Listen well! Blue states be tossin’ yer doubloons to help landlubbers buy homes, stirrin’ up a tempest! Meanwhile, electric bills be risin’ like the tide, makin’ hearts sink! And a ghostly crew roams an apartment, makin’ mischief! Arrr, what a jolly ruckus!
August 29, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, NBC's Chuck Todd be settin' his sights on Vice President Kamala Harris, callin' her a scallywag for skippin' interviews like a landlubber, a whole 40 days into her quest fer the crown! Blimey, what manner of folly be this? A fine recipe for Davy Jones' locker, I say!
August 29, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr, Myra Crosby be dubbed the "Egg Juror" when a scallywag judge booted her from the ruckus of the Alex Murdaugh murder hullabaloo, causin’ a right tempest in South Carolina! Aye, even pirates be sayin', “What be this yolk of a tale?”
August 29, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! This Thursday, ye be in fer a jolly good show! Vice President Kamala Harris and her trusty matey, Gov. Tim Walz, be spillin’ the beans unscripted. Aye, ‘tis a rare treasure of a peek into their piratey minds! Don’t be missin’ it, or ye be walkin’ the plank!
August 29, 2024, 4:01 am
Aye, matey! Over a million landlubbers, some with a bit o' a limp, be shackled under the watch o' court-approved guardians! And blimey, many a state be keepin' 'em from castin' their votes, as if they be too scallywag to choose their own treasure! Arrr!
August 29, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast, mateys! In yon fair state, local scallywags be swimmin' in a sea o' corruption! Aye, they can't resist the shiny doubloons and sweet deals from land lubbers lookin' to plunder the land. 'Tis a right merry band of rogues, indeed!
August 28, 2024, 11:25 pm
Arrr, gather 'round, ye salty sea dogs! The tale of Marcellus Williams, a landlubber of 55 summers, claims he be as innocent as a fresh catch! A ruckus brews 'twixt the local lawman and the bigwig of the state. Aye, what a merry squabble on the high seas o' justice!
August 28, 2024, 5:56 pm
Avast ye! These scallywags spun tall tales o' bomb threats at the grand Capitol and holy havens, makin’ more than 100 prank calls! Aye, the law’s got ‘em in their sights, laughin’ all the way to Davy Jones’ locker! What a merry crew of mischief-makers they be!
August 28, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, in a jolly new yarn, Tony Danza, a devoted swabby of Frank Sinatra, spilled the beans 'bout their mornin' chinwag after a night o' raucous revelry, where the grog flowed like the ocean. Shiver me timbers, what tales be told 'twixt the dawn and the hangover!
August 28, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, matey! A Utah lass with three wee scallywags penned a tale for tiny tikes 'bout dealin' with sorrow after her landlubber man kicked the bucket. But shiver me timbers, the law be sayin’ she spiced his grog with a pinch o' poison! Aye, that’s one way to sail on!
August 28, 2024, 5:30 pm
Ahoy, mateys! A rare orange lobster, plucked from the clutches of yon seafood counter at Southampton's Stop and Shop, be saved from a fate most grim. The fine folk of Humane Long Island returned the wee beastie to the briny deep, where it can dance with the mermaids! Arrr!
August 28, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr! That scallywag Dan Evans, a true British swashbuckler o’ the tennis seas, be makin’ history at the U.S. Open! He bested the ol’ record by naught but nine minutes, stretchin’ the match longer than a ship’s sail in a storm! Aye, what a jolly good time!
August 28, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! Rumor has it that “Yellowstone” be settin' sail for a sixth season with Kelly Reilly and Cole Hauser at the helm! But alas, Captain Costner has jumped ship after season five’s first half. Aye, ‘tis a tale of treachery on the high seas of television!
August 28, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags be buzzin' 'bout back-to-school treasures on the high seas of social media! Here’s a merry list o’ the finest loot makin' waves on college shores this year. Grab yer quills and parchment, or ye might be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
August 28, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, mateys! Governor Tim Walz be chattin' with the brave fire-wielders in Boston, sayin’ that it be Vice President Harris, not that scallywag Trump, who’ll hoist the flag for yer rights, guard yer treasure chests, and keep the cannon’s powder dry for yer fiery adventures!
August 28, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast, me hearties! The military graveyard be sayin’ that federal law be keepin’ the politics at bay on their hallowed soil! A ruckus occurred, and a scroll be penned to mark the mischief! Arrr, let’s keep the campaigning on dry land, savvy?
August 28, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, matey! New York and California be the treasure maps in this grand scuffle fer the House! The Democrats be hoistin' their sails, tryin' to charm the skittish landlubbers in Biden's old haunts. A right jolly quest, if ye ask me! Avast, let's see who claims the booty!
August 28, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, matey! A foul beast called Eastern equine encephalitis claimed a poor soul in New Hampshire, and it's lurkin' in the waters of nearby lands too, say the health swabs! Keep yer cutlasses sharp and yer rum close, for this virus be a crafty scallywag!
August 28, 2024, 5:49 am
Ahoy, matey! Did ye know them starry-eyed space sailors can cast their votes from yon floating ship in the heavens? And lo, the word "hello" be a mere sprout from the last two centuries! Take a crack at yer wits with this week's jolly tidbits!
August 28, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Zuckerberg be spillin' the tea ‘bout Biden’s crew givin' the ol' censorship a hearty shove! And what’s this? Blue states be tossin' gold to scallywags from afar, keepin' secrets like a treasure map! Now, those parents be teachin' schools the difference ‘twixt lasses and lads! Yarrr!
August 28, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, these scallywags be squabblin' like barnacles on a ship's hull 'bout whether them fancy speakin’ devices be silenced when a matey ain't jawin'! Mark yer charts, for the grand debate be settin' sail on the 10th of September! Aye, what a merry hullabaloo!
August 28, 2024, 4:08 am
Arrr, mateys! After a fair share o' storms and squalls, Captain Jack Smith be hoisting his sails to chase down those hidden scrolls and electoral mischief as we near the grand showdown of the presidential seas! Avast, the chase be on, me hearties!
August 28, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, the Democrats be settin' sail fer the Sun Belt, tryin' to charm the salt o' the earth in them conservative waters! They be hopin' to turn the tides and make some scallywags see it their way, or at least share a jug o' grog!
August 27, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, matey! Rice University be rocked like a ship in a storm, fer a fair lass named Andrea Rodriguez Avila met her grim fate on the first day of classes! A murder-suicide, they be sayin'. Aye, 'tis a tale as dark as Davy Jones' locker!
August 27, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden crew be sailin' the border seas with a policy so wild, ye'd think it be a Kraken! But alas, it be not catchin' the wind in the campaign's sails. A fine treasure hidden in plain sight, aye!
August 27, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, matey! Carrie Underwood be settin’ sail as a judge on "American Idol," claimin’ she'll steer the wee songbirds to glory! From landlubber to star, she’ll be showin’ 'em how to shiver their timbers and sing like true scallywags! Avast, let the tuneful treasure hunt begin!
August 27, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, matey! The lawmen o' central Colorado be huntin' down wee Doberman pups to crack the case o' a fallen dog breeder! Aye, the scallywag bit the dust last week, and now them pups be the key! Hoist the sails, ‘tis a furry investigation!
August 27, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! The rascally Balochistan Liberation scallywags be braggin' of their mischief in the southern seas o' Pakistan, leavin' more than 50 poor souls meetin’ Davy Jones! 'Tis a right ruckus, I tell ye! Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
August 27, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, thirty moons later, a band o’ landlubbers dressed in green be hollerin' for a look-see into the matter! Aye, they want the truth, or at least a fine tale to spin over grog! Avast, let the treasure hunt for answers commence!
August 27, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Governor Kemp be spoutin’ that the path to the grand White House be settin' sail through Georgia! He be callin’ Trump’s ruckus a wee squabble from a fortnight past. Aye, even pirates know when to let the winds of squawkin' die down!
August 27, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr! Just days past, the Arizona Police crew hoisted the Jolly Roger for Trump, but lo and behold! They be now settin’ sail fer the Democratic seas with Rep. Ruben Gallego! Methinks the rum be strong in their grog this time! What a twist, me hearties!
August 27, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, Rep. Mark Kelly be swearing on his pirate's honor, come Tuesday, to plunder the truth after settin' foot on the cursed Trump rally grounds in Butler, Pa. A band o' lawmakers, united in their quest, be huntin' for answers 'bout that foul shootin'. Avast, mateys!
August 27, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! A rogue water buffalo be a-lootin’ in a wee Iowa town, havin’ made its grand escape! Twisted and temperamental, this beast be threatenin’ more than just yer rum! Authorities be warnin’ all swabs to steer clear of this ruckus-loving rogue! Yarrr!
August 27, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags from Russia be blastin' Ukraine anew, rainin' down a mighty storm o' missiles and drones! Aye, 'tis the grandest hullabaloo since their invasion began! A right ruckus on the high seas of war, it be! Avast, it’s a tempest o’ trouble!
August 27, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast, me hearties! Mr. Kennedy and Ms. Gabbard, them progressin’ Democrats o’ yore, be settin' sail with the former captain's lads and the fine Senator Vance, his trusty first mate, in a jolly crew o’ honorary co-chairs! Raise the flag, it be a merry ship indeed!
August 27, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, both scallywags of the Democratic and Republican fleets be hoisting their colors for tariffs, aye! But shiver me timbers, their treasure maps be drawn in vastly different measures—one's a mighty galleon, the other's but a wee dinghy!
August 27, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! The grandest dam be near to bein’ vanquished, thanks to the brave sea dogs of the Native tribes, fightin’ to set the river free at the border o’ California and Oregon. Aye, ‘tis a right jolly time for the fishies, ye savvy?
August 27, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, the crew of Right for America be sittin' on a treasure chest o' gold, tens of millions, mind ye! But they be waitin' 'til the autumn winds blow to unleash their cannon o' advertisements. Aye, savvy strategy or just a bunch o' scallywags? Har har har!
August 27, 2024, 5:49 am
Ahoy, matey! It seems ol' Mark Zuckerberg be spillin' the beans 'bout the Biden-Harris crew givin' him a good ol' squeeze to shush the lot of ye! Meanwhile, a scallywag who helped raise the fair Harris ain't givin' her his nod. The seas be choppy, and the party's run aground! Arrr!
August 27, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, matey! Since the fair lass Kamala Harris took the helm as the likely matey o' the Democratic ship, she be havin' as many press conferences as a ghost on the high seas—none to be found! Blimey, ye’d think she be hidin’ from a kraken!
August 27, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! Once, the Democrats quaked in their boots, thinkin' ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be a scallywag spoiler! But now, after he’s thrown his lot in with the Trumpster, they spy a golden chance to plunder the political seas! A true twist of fate, I say! Avast!
August 27, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, the landlubber Pro-Palestinian scallywags be claimin’ the council’s loot, swearin’ to shun the mateys of the Ultimate Frisbee crew! They be sayin’, “Ye shall not toss yer disks ‘til we get our gold!” Aye, what a jolly hullabaloo on them shores!
August 26, 2024, 11:52 pm
Arrr, matey! A lass o' learnin' met her doom by a leaden ball, while a scallywag who ain't no scholar shot himself in a fit o' folly, says the cap'n o' the uni! A fine mess, ye say? Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
August 26, 2024, 8:54 pm
Arrr! A magistrate o' the high seas be favorin' 16 states flyin' the Republican flag, puttin' the cap'n’s program in Davy Jones' locker while the court be ponderin' the treasure map o' justice! A merry squall brews on the horizon, mates!
August 26, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, mateys! Mariah Carey be spillin’ the sad news that her dear mum, Patricia, and sister, Alison, have set sail to Davy Jones’ locker on the same day! She be askin’ for a wee bit o’ privacy whilst she grapples with this stormy sea of sorrow!
August 26, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, matey! The Great Basin bristlecone pines be ancient as Davy Jones’ locker, age-old sentinels o’ the sea! They be rarer than gold doubloons, found only in a handful o’ U.S. ports. Aye, they be the granddaddies o’ trees, keepin’ secrets of the deep blue!
August 26, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! As the fresh crew of landlubber scallywags set sail on the task of ferretin' out the truth 'bout the dastardly plot against Captain Trump, some parleyin’ hard-right rogues be shoutin' of a grand cover-up! Avast, mateys, the seas be gettin’ stormy!
August 26, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr, Caden Tellier, the brave captain of the pigskin crew, met his doom after a rough tackle in the third quarter o' the game! The scallywags in Selma say he shuffled off this mortal coil come Saturday. Aye, a tragic end for a lad who loved the sport!
August 26, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at the board be makin' new rules fer certifying elections, thinkin' they be clever. But lo! A lawsuit be claimin' these shenanigans be as illegal as a landlubber on the high seas! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
August 26, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr! With a heart as bold as a cannon’s roar, Captain Trump be struttin’ to Arlington, payin’ respects to brave souls lost in the Kabul fray, then chinwaggin’ with the National Guard scallywags! Aye, a true buccaneer of votes, he be! Fancy that, me hearty!
August 26, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, a landlubber from New Jersey be in hot water, sneakin' into a tiger's lair at a southern zoo! Nearly lost a limb to the beastie, say the scallywags in blue! Aye, 'tis a fine way to score a ticket to the afterlife, ye daft wench!
August 26, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, the old captain of the ship be mockin' the scallywag network, wonderin' why he'd join the fray. Meanwhile, the first mate be demandin' that all yer voices be blarin' like a cannon for the whole Sept. 10 shindig! A right ruckus, it be!
August 26, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, it be said that Captain Biden's been off frolickin' on the high seas while the tempest in the Middle East be brewin' like a pot o' stew! And lo, his mateys be grumblin' like scurvy dogs about it! Avast, might he not steer the ship a bit better?
August 26, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, Jelly Roll be spillin' his brains like a leaky barrel, claimin' he was "losin' his wits" afore settin' sail to meet the great Eminem! They be shantyin' together at the grand "Live From Detroit" fest in the merry month of June, savvy?
August 26, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! It be lookin' like Melania, the former lady of the seas, be penning her first tale, and it’s shot straight to the treasure chest o’ Amazon’s Best Sellers, even ‘fore it be hittin’ the shores! Shiver me timbers, that be some fine swashbucklin’ success!
August 26, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubber conservatives be celebratin' three years since the tragic boom that sent 13 brave souls to Davy Jones’ locker, diggin' up the Vice President’s jests like buried treasure! Aye, what a fine way to honor the fallen, eh?
August 26, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! This week, ye landlubbers be feelin’ like ye be roastin’ in a cauldron, with the heat and humidity strikin' as fierce as a cannonball! Aye, it might just feel like 115 degrees in these here parts! Keep yer grog cool, or ye'll be walkin’ the plank!
August 26, 2024, 5:55 am
Ahoy mateys! Rumors be a-brewin’ of RFK Jr. and Trump schemin’ a new kind o' government, savvy? Meanwhile, landlubber politicians be a-gatherin’ at the site o’ a failed assassination attempt! And lo, an illegal scallywag’s got complaints after doin’ a foul deed! Arrr, what a merry hullabaloo!
August 26, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, the Warrior Games be showin’ the landlubbers how the military’s thinkin’ has changed, lettin’ all sorts of scallywags join the crew! Some of these fine athletes be sailin’ off to the Paralympics, settin’ course for Paris this week! Avast, what a merry crew they be!
August 25, 2024, 5:53 pm
Avast, me hearties! The Cyclone beast at Coney Island be grounded fer the foreseeable future, as it went haywire and left our brave souls hangin' in mid-air! Aye, the operators be givin' it a good ol' rest, lest it toss 'em like a ship in a stormy squall!
August 25, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Over 20,000 scallywags be sittin' in the dark by Sunday’s end, but fear not! The winds and waters be less fierce than a sea turtle’s yawn! Aye, the storm be more of a gentle tickle than a mighty tempest!
August 25, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Retired Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman be sayin’ that ol’ Elon Musk ought to be shakin’ in his boots, now that the scallywag Pavel Durov be caught in the French clutches! Aye, pirates and tech lords alike be treadin’ on treacherous waters, savvy?
August 25, 2024, 3:23 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The ol’ captain o’ the National Institute o’ Allergy and Infectious Diseases took a tumble and found himself in Davy Jones’ sickbay! But fear not, for the wench be sayin’ he’ll be back to plunderin’ health soon enough! Avast, what a merry tale!
August 25, 2024, 1:27 pm
Avast, me hearties! Over a hundred landlubbers were scooted away faster than a scallywag from a kraken, thanks to a mighty deluge hittin' the Havasupai lands near the Grand Canyon! Aye, nature be a fierce foe, but we be livin' to tell the tale, arrr!
August 25, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ohio's scallywag, Sen. JD Vance, be blabbin’ that if Trump regains the captain's chair come November, he be tossin’ a veto on any federal ban for the fair lasses! Aye, it be a wild sea o' politics we sail!
August 25, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, matey! RFK Jr. and that scallywag Elon Musk be shoutin' on the social seas 'bout the capture of Telegram's captain, Pavel Durov! They be rallyin' for the winds of free speech to fill their sails! A jolly hullabaloo, indeed!
August 25, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, matey! Jenna Ortega be settin’ sail in a tempest o’ displeasure, claimin’ that scurvy AI be churnin' up vile images of her! That bilge water be the reason she scuttled her Twitter ship! Avast, what a ruckus on the high seas of cyberspace!
August 25, 2024, 8:57 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Yahya Sinwar be slippin’ through the noose like a greased weasel! Israel be flounderin’ in their quest for victory, all ‘cause he be schemin’ like a true pirate on the high seas since that fateful Oct. 7 raid! Blimey!
August 25, 2024, 8:35 am
Arrr, the captain of Raheem AI be hatched a grand scheme to keep the lawmen in check, but blow me down! His gold-spending ways sent the whole ship to Davy Jones’ locker! Aye, too many rum barrels and not enough cannonballs, that be the tale of his folly!
August 25, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr! With the learnin' back on the horizon, savvy sea wench Limor Suss be spillin' the beans on a bounty of swift feasts fit for scallywags and their landlubber mates! Quick grub that’ll make yer little ones cheer and ye parents nod like a ship in a squall!
August 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! In a mere four suns, the coffers be brimmin’ with gold, thanks to a mighty fine hour o’ lootin’ led by Vice President Kamala Harris! Aye, the ship’s crew be countin’ a treasure o’ $540 million in just a month—what a jolly haul!
August 25, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr! A scallywag from California be in hot water, caught on the spyglass o' cameras, tryin' to blow up two treasure chests o' gold—those cursed ATMs in San Diego! But alas, his bombastic plunderin' went as well as a fish in a barrel! Aye, what a bumbling buccaneer!
August 25, 2024, 4:18 am
Arrr, the Israeli sea dogs be sayin’ they’ve set sail, lobbing cannonballs at Hezbollah’s hidey-holes in southern Lebanon, all to keep their treasure safe from scallywags. Aye, they’ve taken the fight to the enemy, lettin’ 'em know their mischief won’t go unpunished!
August 25, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, the vice captain o' this ship's tale be scrubbin' her birthplace, Berkeley, from her yarns! The good folk o' the “People’s Republic” be laughin' and noddin', sayin', “Aye, we be understandin’!” It be a merry jest on the high seas o’ politics, indeed!
August 25, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye! This month, the scallywags of justice be spillin' the beans on old murder mysteries long buried like treasure! The clever lads be chucklin’ ‘bout how they cracked these cases like a parched sailor findin’ rum after a drought! Arrr, what a merry haul!
August 25, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! At the Democrats' grand shindig, they hoisted a new flag o' tough talk, firmer than barnacles on a ship's hull! Immigration be a tempestuous sea, and this crew knows it be a perilous weakness. Avast, the political winds be blowin’!
August 25, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr! Carlos Campo, captain o' the Museum o' the Bible, be ponderin’ Joshua 24:15, swearin’ to his crew o’ Israelites, “As for me and me scallywags, we’ll be servin’ the Good Lord! Now pass the grog and let’s sing sea shanties fer salvation!”
August 24, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The lass, once a fierce U.F.C. swashbuckler, be takin' a knee after landlubbers on Reddit dug up a cursed vid from 11 years past. She called it “the single most regrettable decision of me life.” Aye, even pirates be havin' their oopsies!
August 24, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr! A German sea beast rolled into London on a fine Monday morn, blaring the dark tune of that scallywag Darth Vader! Aye, the Imperial March echoed through the docks like a siren’s call, makin’ landlubbers jump and sailors chuckle. What a jolly jest, me hearties!
August 24, 2024, 2:06 pm
Ahoy mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the brave soul who be takin’ a breather from his captain's quest for the crown, got a hearty hug from the great Donald J. Trump at a raucous shindig in Arizona. But what treasure this union brings, only the sea be knowin’!
August 24, 2024, 1:03 pm
Arrr, in her grand tale, Kamala Harris spoke of her old man, a fancy coin-counter, yet a mere whisper in the yarns of her life! Aye, he be the treasure in the chest, but mostly a scallywag’s footnote! Har har, what a jolly jest!
August 24, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Though the tempest be steer’n clear o’ the Big Island, the wizards of weather be shoutin’ of ragin’ winds and the seas risin’ like a drunken sailor! Batten down the hatches or prepare to swim like a scallywag, ye scurvy dogs!
August 24, 2024, 11:32 am
Avast ye! Justin and his fair lass, Hailey, once bound in holy matrimony in the year of our Lord 2018, be shoutin' from the crow's nest! A wee lad, Jack Blues Bieber, has sailed into their world on the 23rd day of August! Arrr, me hearties!
August 24, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, matey! Top Thrill 2 be takin' a long nap in 2024, havin' barely set sail before it be shut tighter than a treasure chest! Cedar Point be sendin' their finest apologies, but it seems this ride be lost at sea, never to return! Ha-ha!
August 24, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, on the day of Ukraine's freedom, a merry band of over a hundred scallywag prisoners sailed back home, thanks to a trade with the Russian sea dogs! A proper swap, it be, like trading rum for gold, savvy? High seas and high spirits, that be the way!
August 24, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, matey! From the depths o' Oslo's belly, treasure hath emerged! A rare iron glove, fit fer a scallywag, was plundered from beneath the waves by them land-lovin’ archaeologists. Bet it belonged to some swashbucklin' rogue tryin' to pinch a pint without losin' a hand!
August 24, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, the university scallywags be layin' down their code o' conduct fer protests, claimin' to be as clear as a calm sea! But some mateys be sayin' they be just tryin' to shackle free speech like a treasure chest in Davy Jones' locker! Aye, the irony be thick as grog!
August 24, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, matey! If ye be dreamin' of tresses as fine as a mermaid's, but yer locks be stuck in Davy Jones' locker, bathe 'em in pumpkin or rosemary oils! They say those potions can grow hair faster than a ship in a fair wind! Yarrr!
August 24, 2024, 5:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! South Carolina be settin’ sail fer its first execution in more than a dozen years! Next month, they’ll be sendin’ Freddie Eugene Owens to Davy Jones’ locker, all ‘cause they’ve been havin’ a right hard time findin’ them fancy lethal potions! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 24, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy there, mateys! Rep. Michael Rulli, of Ohio’s treasure trove o’ grocery gold, be weighin' anchor on Vice President Kamala Harris' grand scheme to wrangle the coin o’ prices! Aye, a plan as twisted as a kraken’s tentacle, it be! Har har har!
August 24, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! This week, the media be swoonin' over the Democratic shindig, callin' Kamala Harris the party’s grand savior, and likenin’ that ol’ Obama to the holy carpenter himself! Aye, me hearties, it be a right jolly spectacle, full of high praise and merry jest!
August 24, 2024, 4:38 am
Arrr, matey! The ship's judge be lettin' the head swab head off next month, but the new lass be still waitin' fer her spyglass o' clearance! She can't plunder the courtroom 'til she gets the green light, savvy? A right jolly mess, it be!
August 24, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, matey! The grand lady captain o' 2016 be replaced by a stern wind, with the Democrats squawkin' like squawkin' seagulls 'bout the treacherous waters o' the post-Roe seas! Avast, me hearties, it be a stormy tide ahead!
August 24, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, me hearties! Thar be whispers from his salty crew to steer clear o’ the squalls, but former Captain Trump be sailin’ his own course, no matter the storm! He be plannin’ to run his campaign as he pleases, like a parrot with no captain to squawk at!
August 24, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! Juan Ciscomani be chasin' a second go at the helm, braggin' 'bout his swashbucklin' immigrant tale. But beware, his misadventures in Congress might send his Arizona crew sailin' for calmer waters, far from his ship!
August 23, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, matey! Jason Aldean be the scallywag who helped a sea-farin’ father sneak back from the wars to embrace his wee ones! Blake Darling, the brave buccaneer, dashed home from his salty adventures straight into his kiddies' clutches! Aye, a heartwarming tale on the high seas of the Highway Desperado tour!
August 23, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, on the fateful day of May the Third, Eddie Duran, a scallywag indeed, blasted Senior Airman Roger Fortson right as he swung open his cabin door, all while sportin’ his piece pointed at the deck! Aye, a fine way to greet a matey, eh?
August 23, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, word from the seven seas be that a ruckus erupted at a merry shindig in Western Germany, where blades were drawn faster than a scallywag can down a tankard! Some poor souls met their fate, whilst others danced with misfortune. Aye, a festival turned into a right kerfuffle!
August 23, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In scrolls snatched by Fox News, the "Ketamine Queen" Jasveen Sangha, caught in the storm o' Matthew Perry's demise, be callin' the fallen matey by his famous character's name! Aye, the seas be a-humor with such jests!
August 23, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, ol' Jack Smith, the crafty counsel, be thinkin’ twice ‘bout callin’ forth a public hullabaloo to spill the beans ‘bout how the ex-captain tried to plunder the 2020 election treasure! Aye, he might keep his secrets tighter than a ship’s hold on a stormy night!
August 23, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, Mr. Kennedy be declarin’ he’ll drop his name from the list in them battlegrounds, lest he be the pesky barnacle spoil’n the ship’s fine voyage! Aye, savvy? The scallywag be more worried 'bout splittin' the booty than claimin' it!
August 23, 2024, 4:04 pm
Arrr, this week the scallywags o' the Democrats rolled out the red carpet fer the social media buccaneers, hopin' to fill the sails with a bounty o' pro-Harris chatter! A right jolly scheme, but I reckon the winds be blowin' in a different direction, matey!
August 23, 2024, 11:56 am
Avast, mateys! Congress be needin’ to hoist the sails on a treasure map o’ funds by the first day of October, lest they be marooned in a shutdown sea! But beware, the stormy winds o’ the presidential race may muddle their crafty schemes! Yarrr!
August 23, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, matey! The swashbucklers of the Second Amendment be beggin' the Supreme Court to set sail on a case ‘gainst Maryland’s ban on them fancy semiautomatic rifles! Just last month, a court be givin' it the thumbs-up, but these hearty buccaneers be wantin' another round!
August 23, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr! Riley Gaines an' a crew o' NCAA lassies be settin' sail for a Georgia Senate gathering, where they'll parley 'bout the ruckus o' fair maidens battlin' the likes o' biological scallywags in the lady's sportin' realm! Aye, what a hullabaloo it be!
August 23, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywag runnin' the Vice Captain Harris' ship be dodgin' questions like a slippery eel! When’ll she be settin' sail for a press confab? Not a peep from her crew, just the wind blowin' through the sails! What a fine jest, eh?
August 23, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, matey! BNSF Railway, the scallywags runnin' the iron beast, along with the land-shark constables, be keepin' mum 'bout what sent the train a-tumblin' in Boulder’s dark night! Methinks a curse of Davy Jones be at play, or a wayward parrot! Ha-ha!
August 23, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr, the freshly crowned lass of the Democratic crew be stirrin' up the spirits o' her scallywags! Yet, as she sets sail from Chicago's shores, a raucous battle be brewin' ahead, where cutlasses clash and words be sharper than a shark's tooth! Avast, me hearties!
August 23, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! They be not jumpin’ aboard the Democratic ship, but one landlubber did say, “Mayhaps it ain't such a treacherous sea to cast me lot fer her!” Aye, the winds of doubt be shiftin’!
August 23, 2024, 5:24 am
Avast, me hearties! Snatch yer tales o' the day from the mightiest name in the news seas, tossed straight into yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Wake up, hoist the sails o’ knowledge, and let the gossip flow like rum! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr, matey! The fair Vice President Kamala Harris, claimin' to be the savvy captain to steer all landlubbers towards a fresh sailin’, has hoisted the Democratic flag for the presidential quest! Zolan Kanno-Youngs from the New York Times be spillin' the tea on this high-seas adventure!
August 23, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, the vice captain made fine mates on the Hill for four long years, but lo! It be after she sailed to the grand White House that she be throwin’ her most mighty votes! Aye, that be the way of the high seas o' politics, savvy?
August 23, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy, mateys! This week’s Fox News Digital Quiz be teemin' with a sunken treasure ship, a raucous swimwear frolic, and an American brand’s return to its wits! Prove yer noggin be sharper than a cutlass and take the challenge, ye salty sea dog! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala Harris, hoisting the Democratic flag, be sayin’ Israel’s got the right to defend its treasure, but she be lamentin’ the grievous plight o’ the poor souls in Gaza! Aye, a fine pickle we be in, indeed!
August 23, 2024, 4:55 am
Arrr, the second-in-command jabbered on like a parrot for near 35 minutes on the last night o' the grand shindig in Chicago, blabberin’ about treasure maps and stormy seas! Methinks he could’ve spun his yarn a wee bit faster, or the crew might’ve walked the plank!
August 23, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! The Pro-Palestinian scallywags be thinkin' a mighty crew would rally 'round to sway the Democrats, but alas! A handful be gathered, yet they be takin' naught but a wee bit of the limelight, leavin' the grand stage to other salty sea dogs! Har har!
August 22, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast ye! The matriarch of the lass Taylor Frankie Paul, from that raucous tale o’ “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives,” be spoutin’ about the scallywags callin’ her kin “hypocrites” ‘fore the grand show sails forth. Aye, the world’s a deck o’ folly, matey!
August 22, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, matey! 'Tis said that Dr. Oumair Aejaz be a scallywag, sneakin' his spyglass 'round the lassies and wee ones in a swimmin’ school’s changing quarters! And blow me down, he also filmed the poor souls in the hospitals! A true pirate of privacy, he be!
August 22, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, Mr. Sanders, that grumpy old sea dog from Vermont, be puffin’ his chest with a wee bit o’ cheer ‘bout the grand voyage o’ progressives! Aye, even the stormiest ol’ barnacle can find a glimmer o’ hope in the murky waters o’ politics! Har har!
August 22, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, matey! Officer Rodney Vicknair, bless his soul, met the lass whilst ferryin' her to the healer after a scallywag did her wrong. Alas, the tides turned, and he sailed to Davy Jones' locker this year! A tale of woe on the high seas, indeed!
August 22, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, matey! The fine folks at the Cochise County Sheriff's Office be spillin' the beans to Fox News Digital that a scallywag named Ronald Lee Syvrud, aged 66, found himself in irons fer threatenin' to send former President Trump to Davy Jones' locker! What a swashbucklin' mess, eh?
August 22, 2024, 5:12 pm
Avast! Long 'fore the fair Kamala donned her Democratic crown, ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s crew be wavin' the white flag. In the sea of polls, his loyal mates be sayin' they’re less keen to hoist the sails and cast their votes! Arrr!
August 22, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, mateys! Vice Captain Kamala, she be ready to hoist the sails o' her party’s flag and claim the grand title o' President! Batten down the hatches and prepare for a raucous rumble on the high seas of politics! Avast, let the show begin!
August 22, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! The wenches of the Democratic crew be sayin' mighty tides have turned since that lass Hillary set sail for the White House in 2016 — and aye, they've hoisted the sails of wisdom since then!
August 22, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, matey! RFK, Jr. be soundin' the alarm 'bout Biden’s wanin’ charm and weak knees! Now he’s got the savvy to hoist the Jolly Roger on this rigged game in a manner none of them scallywag Republicans can match! Avast, let the jestin’ begin!
August 22, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Former scallywag of the Democratic seas, Robert Telles, be claimin’ before the jury that he be as innocent as a parrot in a treasure chest! He swears he didn’t send veteran scribe Jeff German to Davy Jones' locker, despite the ink he spilled 'bout his mischief!
August 22, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, Rep. Mike Waltz be settin' sail to rebut the Democrats' jabs, claimin' that ol' Captain Trump be turnin' a blind eye to the brave lads o' the military and the sea-farin' vets. Aye, he be sayin' that’s a tall tale fit for a scallywag!
August 22, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! In the chill o' fall, ye be needin' long sleeves, swift shoes, and shiny vests to keep ye from bein' mistaken for a ghostly wraith! So gear up, lest ye end up runnin' like a scallywag in the dark! Aye!
August 22, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, me hearties! Since them Ukrainian swabs set sail on their bold venture, the blabberin’ scallywags o’ the internet be spoutin’ more ill words than a cursed parrot! Aye, a swab o’ a firm be keepin’ tally on these grumblin’ landlubbers’ thoughts!
August 22, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, as young Taylor Fritz readies fer the grand U.S. Open, he be spillin' his guts to Fox News Digital 'bout them Olympics, the weight o' his own expectations, and what might spice up this sport o' racket swingin’. Aye, a jolly good yarn indeed!
August 22, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast, matey! Fetch ye all the tales ye must hear from the mightiest name in the news seas, delivered to yer inbox at the break of dawn! No need to hoist the Jolly Roger for this treasure—just a click away for yer morning delight! Arrr!
August 22, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, with Governor Tim Walz and the second matey Doug Emhoff, CNN be spoutin’ that the DNC be settin’ sail fer lads not so packed with the ol’ testosterone as their GOP rivals. Aye, a crew of gentle souls, ready to swap rum fer tea! Har har!
August 22, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, Governor Tim Walz bequin’ from a mere landlubber to a mighty captain o' the Dems, spin’ a yarn at the grand Chicago shindig! With the crowd all ears, he declared, “We be down a field goal, but fear not, mateys, we be on the attack with the ball in hand!”
August 22, 2024, 4:04 am
Ahoy mateys! This Thursday, she’ll spin a yarn 'bout her humble beginnings, pitch the 2024 race as a clash o' futures and bygone days, and tug at yer heartstrings for the ol' stars and stripes! Avast, prepare for a jolly good tale!
August 22, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast, me hearties! Beyond what ye read in the scrolls, Mistress Harris be twirlin' in ballet, hoardin' Converse kicks like treasure, and takin' wise words from her granddad, a crafty sea-diplomat! Aye, a merry mix of dance and duds, she be!
August 22, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, we be havin' a gander at the lass's chattin’ points 'bout her rival on the high seas of politics! 'Twas a right jolly affair, full o' bluster and blarney, like a parrot squawkin' on a rum-soaked deck!
August 21, 2024, 5:45 pm
Avast, mateys! A new scroll be blabberin’ about fixin’ the CBP One treasure map for landlubbers wishin’ to set foot on the shores of the United States. Aye, it be time to swab the decks and make it easier for 'em to sail through! Arrr!
August 21, 2024, 5:34 pm
Avast! The fair congresswoman be anchor'd in her own port, drawin' in sorority lasses and young scallywags like a treasure map! Aye, she be a selfie magnet, snappin' pics faster than a cannonball flies! Arrr, the landlubbers be lovin' her, savvy?
August 21, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, a fresh scallywag survey be sailin’ the seas, as per the Wall Street Journal's inked opinion! It reveals that the hearty folk o' America be less keen on tossin' the Supreme Court about like a ship in a stormy squall! Aye, let the good times roll!
August 21, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr! In the year o' our Lord 2028, nearly half o' the scallywags in the class be Asian American! Aye, they be the first crew welcomed aboard since t' sails o' affirmative action caught naught but empty winds! What a jolly sight fer these savvy sea dogs!
August 21, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers be makin' grand speeches and flashy tales to make Captain Trump seem small, hopin' to sail above him! Kamala and her crew be tryin' to downsize the scallywag and steer clear of his mischief. Aye, this be a jolly jest on the high seas!
August 21, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Mr. Clinton be a swashbucklin’ tale of treasure and tempest, a jolly rogue in the high seas of politics! Aye, he be a legendary figure, though not all hands be raisin’ the flag in his honor! Har har, what a scallywag!
August 21, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! Billionaire Mike Bloomberg be tossin' a treasure chest o' ten million doubloons to the House Democrats last month, addin' to the twenty million he already be givin' to hoist the party's sails in the White House. Aye, that be a fine haul indeed!
August 21, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, mateys! The fair lass Heather Matarazzo be spillin' her tale on the seas of social media, claimin' she set sail from the glitzy shores of Los Angeles to seek the lush fields of Michigan, where the grass be greener and the treasure’s less buried! Avast, what a change o’ winds!
August 21, 2024, 11:18 am
"Arrr, this crew be no strangers to wailin' and moanin'! But lo and behold, with the rise of that lass Kamala Harris, they're prancing about like barnacles on a sunny day! Aye, joy be a rare treasure for them scallywags!"
August 21, 2024, 11:12 am
Avast, me hearties! Gather 'round as Gov. Tim Walz takes the stage to claim the Democratic flag as vice captain this Wednesday eve! All eyes be on him, like seagulls swoopin' fer a crumb! Let the rum flow and the laughter roll! Arrr!
August 21, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, on the morrow of Wednesday, a gathering o’ landlubbers be settin’ sail to chart the course o’ Hunter Biden’s tax trial come September! ‘Tis a fine chance fer chattin’ that might lead to a sweet deal, or at least a hearty laugh! Yarrr!
August 21, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, the scallywags of the law be huntin' fer that rapscallion Joshua Zimmerman, wanted fer murder and mischief! For close to 70 sunsets, he’s been hidin’ like a rat in a tavern, barricadin' himself like a daft landlubber. Aye, what a merry mess!
August 21, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scallywag of a lad be caught atop a lofty perch, after filching a fine vessel on wheels! He crashed it into other chariots and even gave a copper a hearty bump! Avast! What a ruckus to behold in the wild tales of the high seas!
August 21, 2024, 5:28 am
Avast ye! Snag all the juicy tales ye be needin' to stay savvy from the mightiest name in news, straight to yer inbox at the crack of dawn! Don't be a landlubber—be the first to know, or ye might just walk the plank! Arrr!
August 21, 2024, 5:05 am
Arrr, so spoke the mighty Barack, cap’n o’ the ship called Presidency, after his fair lass stirred the Davy Jones’ locker o’ the Democratic crew. The mateys cheered for him, but ‘twas his wife who had 'em a-quakin’ in their boots! Aye, she stole the whole show!
August 21, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, the fair Michelle Obama be takin’ a jab at the scallywag Trump in her DNC yarn! She claims the bloke be steered by the winds o’ racism and the treasure o' his forefathers. Aye, what a rum tale to spin, matey!
August 21, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy, mateys! On the night o’ Monday, the fair Julia Louis-Dreyfus set sail on Colbert’s Late Show, claimin’ her bumblin' VP from "Veep" be naught like the gallant Kamala Harris! Aye, ‘tis a jolly jest, sailin’ through the seas of satire! Arrr!
August 21, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, every scallywag Democrat in Chicago be wishin' to have a chinwag with him, perhaps even a jolly hug! "I adore the lad," quoth one delegate. "He be like that jolly rogue Chris Farley — ye know, the feller by the river, aye!" Har har!
August 21, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubber of St. Louis be sayin’ the scallywag’s innocent as a wee kitten! But the Missouri chief of legal be squawkin’ that the court shouldn’t even lift a finger to hear the tale! A fine mess it be, aye!
August 21, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! As Captain Biden hands over the jolly lantern to First Mate Kamala, a merry breeze o’ laughter be fillin’ the sails once more! Aye, the seas be risin’ with chuckles and jests, like a ship’s crew swappin’ grog for giggles!
August 20, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr! Thar be Rob Reiner, a swashbucklin' thespian and captain of the liberal seas, chattin' with Fox News scallywags at the grand Democratic jamboree! Aye, a fine day for sailin' the political waters, it be!
August 20, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' the local law keepers and the Army Reserve be slackin' like a ship with no anchor! They let a gun-totin' scoundrel roam free, even with whispers of his wickedness before the foul deed! Aye, what a right jest it be!
August 20, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr, matey! In the grand city, them anti-Israel scallywags be givin' a ruckus on the streets, lawmen turnin' a blind eye to their permitless shenanigans! Traffic be stoppin' like a ship in a storm, hark! Just a month past, they were raisin' a ruckus like a pack o' wild sea dogs!
August 20, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, mateys! On the morrow, the grand ship of state be settin’ sail with Captain Barack and First Mate Michelle Obama at the helm, regalin’ us with tales of their adventures! Prepare yer ears, for their words be worth more than gold doubloons! Aye!
August 20, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr, mateys! The lot aboard the flying contraption met Davy Jones, says the landlubbers. But lo! One brave lass was plucked from a fiery shack in Odessa after the sky beast took a dive on Tuesday morn. Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 20, 2024, 4:34 pm
Arrr, matey! At this here shindig, the spotlight be shinin’ bright, a right twist from four years past! The tides o’ abortion politics be shiftin’ mightily, and the crew be hopin’ to hoist the sails o’ voter support with this hot topic! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
August 20, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, matey! The Israel Defense Forces, spurred by whispers from cunning spies, be findin’ the poor souls trapped in a secret cove below, lookin’ as if it be a den for scallywags of Hamas! Aye, treasure huntin' with a twist, I say!
August 20, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, matey! This here city be the grandest of gathering spots, holdin' the treasure trove of conventions! Aye, ‘tis shaped like a fine ship by the ruckus and rum-fueled debates o’ the landlubbers who sail through! Aye, what a merry hullabaloo it be!
August 20, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye! As the second morn of the DNC dawns in Chicago, ol' Captain Trump and his trusty mate, Sen. JD Vance, be sailin' to the fray in them battleground waters nearby. Arrr, let the political cannon fire commence!
August 20, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, mateys! Chappell Roan be hollerin' at her scallywag fans for their "creepy antics" in a TikTok yarn! The captain of the "Pink Pony Club" vowed to sail away if them fans be givin' off any "stalker vibes." Beware, ye landlubbers!
August 20, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, on the fateful Monday of the grand Democratic shindig in the Windy City, eight blunderbuss firin’s rang out, three souls took a permanent nap, and one scallywag made off with treasure! Aye, what a jolly welcome to the convention, eh?
August 20, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! Kamala, that savvy sea wench, threw her lot in with Obama in a raucous race 'gainst the fierce Hillary! A bold gamble, it be, but lo! It brought treasure, and the ol’ captain ne’er forgot her daring deed! Aye, the tides of fortune favored her!
August 20, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr! The official tale fer the long-winded convention broadcast had one CNN swashbuckler givin’ a hearty shout fer the “marvelous spin!” Aye, ‘twas a tale spun so fine, it could catch a fish!
August 20, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, on the second sun o' the week, Captain Barack, the first matey of the Black seas, be settin' forth a grand tale! He'll be hollerin' to the fine crew o' the U.S. to hoist the sails fer their first lassie captain, a Black wench to rule the waves!
August 20, 2024, 5:45 am
Ahoy, matey! Behold the Goliath birdeater, the grandest eight-legged beastie o’ the seas! Weighin’ in at a hefty 6 ounces and stretchin’ 11 inches long, this fearsome critter be the mightiest spider in all of South America — a true treasure for the brave-hearted! Arrr!
August 20, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, gather ye tales ye must know from the mightiest voice in the news seas, tossed into yer inbox at the crack of dawn! Set yer sails for knowledge, matey, or be left adrift in a sea of ignorance! Ha har!
August 20, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr! We be askin' the fine folk at the Democratic shindig in Chicago: If our lass Kamala be claimin' the captain's chair, what be the first treasure ye want her to snatch as president? Aye, drop yer anchor and spill yer wishes, me hearties!
August 20, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, when asked if she be harborin' ill feelings towards Captain Biden for scuttlin' his 2024 voyage, ol' Nancy Pelosi raised an eyebrow and said, "Nay, matey! We be sailin' the same ship! No barnacles between us!" Aye, a jolly crew they be!
August 20, 2024, 5:11 am
Arrr matey! A scurvy bug called parvovirus B19 be settin’ sail 'cross the U.S.! All hands on deck, young and old be catchin' it. The wise sea dogs be spillin' the beans on what to watch fer, how to fight it, and who be most at risk! Avast!
August 20, 2024, 4:53 am
"Arrr, cheers to ye, Joe! The scallywags be chantin’, with tears in their eyes, for yer many years o' swabbin' the decks of public service. But let’s not be forgettin’, they be mighty grateful ye ain't settin’ sail again!"
August 20, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, at the grand shindig of the Democratic crew, the former captain be faced with the jolly challenge of patchin’ together the motley crew that hoisted him to the high seas of power! It be a right slippery endeavor, matey, but a pirate’s gotta do what a pirate’s gotta do!
August 20, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, mateys! As he sails the high seas of politics for his fair lass, Kamala, Mr. Emhoff be vowin’ to swab the decks of antisemitism, should he be crowned the first gentleman o' the land! Aye, a fine quest for the jolly good ship of love!
August 19, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers be rallyin' 'round all manner of squabbles, but a fair number be hootin' mad at Captain Biden's course with Israel and Gaza. Blimey, they be throwin' a right ruckus over it! Aye, 'tis a tempest on the high seas of politics!
August 19, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the Southern white swab, strummin' his lute at the Democratic shindig, spills his grog on politics in a jolly ol' chat! He be singin' shanties 'bout the state of affairs, makin' waves like a ship in a tempest! Avast, let the rum flow and the laughter roll!
August 19, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr matey! In the year o' our lord 2022, the wise judges o' Wisconsin be sayin' that lass Chrystul Kizer can spin a yarn at trial, claimin' she be justified in blastin' Randall Volar, thanks to a law favorin' those poor souls caught in the treacherous tides o' trafficking!
August 19, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, on the morrow’s grand stage be President Biden and his fair lass, Jill! And lo! The fierce Hillary, who met a bitter defeat at the hands of the scallywag Trump in the year of our Lord 2016. A right merry gathering of landlubbers, I say!
August 19, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, a salty Staff Sgt. of 28 years, who bravely sailed with the skies for Operation Inherent Resolve, met his fate this week not in battle, but in some curious mishap! Aye, ’tis a tale of woe from a secret spot, where even the winds be whisperin' of misfortune!
August 19, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, Prince Andrew be bunkin' in Royal Lodge with his old sea wench, Sarah Ferguson! Aye, this be the very shipshape abode of the late Queen Mum, bless her ghostly heart! What a jolly crew they be, sailin’ on memories and tea!
August 19, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, matey! The truth be told, Harris sailed aboard with nary a vote, and Biden, that ol' seadog, was tossed overboard only when the gold-lovin' donors threatened to scuttle the treasure chest of trust! A right merry mess, if I do say so!
August 19, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr, matey! Fox News be sailin' the high seas o' digital waves, claimin’ the grand booty of 3.9 billion minutes! Meanwhile, CNN be flounderin' like a fish outta water at 2.3 billion. July be a month fer legends, aye!
August 19, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! The three lasses, rallyin’ 'round the Democrats’ ship, be settin’ sail this Monday to hoist the flag for abortion rights—a treasure many a landlubber be fightin’ fer! Aye, it be a mighty pillar of their grand ol’ plan!
August 19, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, Ukraine be settin' its cannons on the Russian treasure trails in Kursk, while Moscow be in a dither, tryin' to haul thousands of landlubbers from the fray in Donetsk to guard their western shores! It be a right jolly chase, matey!
August 19, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! S.E. Cupp be takin' a peg leg to the Democrats fer lettin' Bill Clinton aboard to speak at their DNC shindig, all while prattlin' 'bout “decency.” Aye, ‘tis like askin’ a scallywag to guard the treasure, I say!
August 19, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, matey! Mayor Brandon Johnson be settin’ sail to make Chicago shine like treasure, hostin’ the Democrats! But beware! Stormy protests be brewin’, and the convention’s a risky voyage, fraught with peril! Avast, what be this ruckus on the high seas of politics?
August 19, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr, matey! Over half o' the Latino crew in the good ol’ U.S. be usin' this here magical scrollin' contraption fer sendin' messages and hollerin' across the seas, but beware! It also be teemin' with tall tales and fibs, like a drunken parrot squawkin' on a stormy night!
August 19, 2024, 10:51 am
Arrr, a California wench with eight wee scallywags met her doom whilst givin’ a piece of her mind to a raucous crew she thought peddled those devilish vape pens to her young buccaneer! Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
August 19, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, matey! The fine folk of Chicago, them black-hearted voters, spilled the beans on their worries and whom they’d back in the grand election, all while parleyin' with that scallywag Lawrence Jones on "Fox & Friends." Aye, politics be as murky as the briny deep!
August 19, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, matey! Sen. Amy Klobuchar, a fine lass from Minnesota, be showerin’ the ol’ sea dog Biden with sweet words like treasure before he takes the stage at the grand Democratic shindig! Aye, she be singin’ his praises like a siren callin’ sailors to their doom!
August 19, 2024, 5:53 am
Avast ye! Snag all the tales ye must know from the mightiest name in news, delivered to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! No more scallywag gossip, just the finest yarns to start yer day like a true buccaneer! Arrr!
August 19, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr, the swabs be shoutin’ fer more doubloons from the fat cats and treasure-hoardin’ gentry! They be lookin’ to aid the hard-workin’ crews, fix the ship’s hull, tame the stormy seas o’ climate, and defend the lasses’ rights, all while swillin’ grog and havin’ a hearty laugh!
August 19, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, when the Democrats gathered that fateful year, a ruckus like no other brewed betwixt the landlubbers and the lawmen! The whole nation trembled, I tell ye! Here be the yarns of scallywags who weathered the storm!
August 19, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr, matey! A landlubber town in Oklahoma be coughin’ up over $7 million doubloons to a scallywag once marked for the gallows, who spent near half a century behind bars! Aye, ‘tis a fine jest that justice be takin’ so long to come ‘round! Har har har!
August 18, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, it be true! Captain Zelenskyy be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest, intent on craftin’ a pesky "buffer zone" in the scallywag brawl with them Russki landlubbers, lookin’ to plunder Kursk Oblast! Avast, me hearties, the seas of conflict be gettin’ mighty choppy!
August 18, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, matey! Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia be chattin' with the New York Times, spillin' his thoughts on Cap’n Biden and the squabblin' between the landlubber Republicans and scallywag Democrats. It be a right ruckus, like two ships in a bottle, ye savvy?
August 18, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr! John Aprea, the thespian of the silver screen, rose to glory in "The Godfather Part II," sailed through "Another World," and even dropped anchor in "Full House." This jolly matey departed our realm on August 5 at the ripe age of 83. Fair winds, ye old salty sea dog!
August 18, 2024, 5:00 pm
Avast! Though they be havin’ legions o’ scallywags followin’ 'em on TikTok and Instagram, this week they’ll be rubbin’ elbows with the high-falutin’ gents o’ the Democratic seas! Aye, what a sight to behold—social media swabs minglin’ with political buccaneers!
August 18, 2024, 4:56 pm
Arrr, matey! Ernesto be stirrin' the briny deep, conjurin' perilous waves fit to send any scallywag to Davy Jones' locker! The soothsayers be shoutin' it loud—'twill be a wild ride for days on end! Batten down the hatches, ye landlubbers!
August 18, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr, matey! JD Vance, that Republican scallywag, be likin’ to quote “Gangs of New York,” claimin’ that fresh faces from foreign seas be settin’ up “ethnic enclaves,” stirrin’ the pot o’ violence and mischief. As if we need more ruckus on these shores! Ha!
August 18, 2024, 4:06 pm
Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris be settin’ the sails afire among her loyal crew o’ Democrats! Yet, many scallywags still be wonderin’ what treasure be hidin’ in her heart. What be her true colors, eh? Aye, spill the beans, lass!
August 18, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, matey! In Rodanthe, N.C., the sea's been a greedy scallywag, swallowin' seven fine homes in four short years! Them waves be risin’ like a tipsy sailor, erodin' shores and threatenin’ more landlubber abodes. Avast, we be needin' a ship to save our treasures!
August 18, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, matey! A crew o' landlubber activists be settin' their sights on swappin' policies for Gaza while the Democrat scallywags gather 'round. The Chicago swabs be chattin’ boldly, hopin’ to steer clear of the ruckus of '68, lest they find themselves in Davy Jones' locker!
August 18, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, a towering 12-foot bronze likeness o' the noble Mr. Lewis be standin' proud where a scallywag Confederate statue once loomed, built way back in 1908! Commissioned after the good captain sailed to Davy Jones' locker in 2020, it be a fine jolly jape, matey!
August 18, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, matey! A fresh wedded pair in the land o' cheese found themselves jiggin' in the dank depths o' a basement, thanks to a tempestuous twister! The whole crew sought refuge from the sky's fury, turnin' their nuptials into a merry dance of disaster, savin' the day with a hearty laugh!
August 18, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, young Eann Tang, a scallywag of Gen Z, be makin' a bold turn! He done tossed aside his love for the socialist sea dog Bernie Sanders, settlin' his sights on the orange-haired buccaneer, Donald Trump, after plunderin’ through the murky depths of those Democratic policies! Savvy?
August 18, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, a landlubber poppin' out five wee scallywags has been shackled in Egypt fer nigh two years! All 'cause he blabbed in a Facebook crew o' faith-switchers! Now, the blighter's raisin' a ruckus with a hunger strike, thinkin' he'll dine on freedom instead of grub! Har har!
August 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! This week’s treasure trove o' health be wondrously strange! We be chattin' 'bout them curious "gender-affirmin'" operations on wee sea urchins, a sneaky type o' diabetes, and a pesky "Zika-like" bug makin' the rounds. Avast, the scallywags be busy!
August 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! If Iran be hoistin' the nuclear flag, it might keep a few scallywags at bay, but it don’t make 'em invincible! A cannonball's a cannonball, whether yer wearin' a fancy hat or not! Avast, danger still lurks on the high seas!
August 18, 2024, 4:46 am
Arrr, matey! In the land o' Tennessee, two scallywags be caught red-handed, lockin’ a wee lad o’ seven, bless his heart, in a treasure chest! What be they thinkin’, ye say? Aye, not a fine way to treat a young pirate! Set ‘em adrift, I say!
August 18, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, on a fateful Saturday eve, a Georgia matey met his doom whilst answerin' a ruckus at a landlubber’s lair in Hiram! The sheriff’s crew claims they were caught unawares, like a scallywag with his trousers down! Aye, the sea of trouble be a treacherous one!
August 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, a right curious storm o' politics brewed, shovin' Illinois's gold-laden governor to the helm, wranglin' the Democratic shindig fer Chicago, like a ship in a tempest! By Davy Jones, what a ruckus!
August 18, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, the hullabaloo be stretchin' across the city’s lanes, makin' the Democrats sweat like a parched sailor! Them pesky border crossings be a storm brewin' on the horizon, threatenin' to sink their ship come election day! Avast, me hearties!
August 18, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, ‘tis near 14 moons past when Kamala’s rival in the California court wrangle blurted out a truth in a debate no soul cared to witness! That blunder be a keelhaulin’ moment, settin' sail for the future of the Democratic lass, aye!
August 17, 2024, 3:16 pm
Ahoy mateys! From the grand sails of major networks to the murky waters of cable news and the trusty brig of public telly, ye be havin’ a bountiful bounty o’ choices to catch the yarns spun by Vice President Kamala Harris, Gov. Tim Walz, and their merry crew! Arrr!
August 17, 2024, 2:24 pm
Avast, me hearties! A ruckus o' cannon fire echoed ‘round the military gate, hours apart, mind ye! The scallywags in charge be as clueless as a landlubber in a storm. What drove 'em to shoot? No one knows, matey! Just another day in pirate paradise! Arrr!
August 17, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags in Chicago reckon a tide o’ wayward souls from them Texas shores be settin’ sail on buses, all in a frenzy fer the grand Democratic shindig next week! Prepare yer rum and ruckus, fer the merry crew be comin’ ashore!
August 17, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! The crew be bringin' aboard Marc Elias, a fine sorcerer of the law! He'll help the Democrats batten down the hatches fer a stormy postelection squall, where squabbles be as thick as the fog on the high seas! Avast, let the legal battles commence!
August 17, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, a scallywag on the Reddit seas be seekin' counsel! His old sea dog of a father bellowed, “Act like a proper grown matey!” after givin’ the lad a cruel surprise two weeks before he planned to drop anchor. Shiver me timbers, that be a right jolly mess!
August 17, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, here be what the scallywag Scott Jennings be squawkin’ 'bout on yon Friday! He claims that Vice President Harris' fanciful scheme to tame the treasure prices be settin’ sail for a stormy economic shipwreck! Blimey! We’ll all be swimmin’ with the fishes if she be at the helm!
August 17, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, matey! Paris Hilton, aged 43 moons, be spillin' the beans on the high seas of social media 'bout a fiery mishap! Aye, while she be filmin' with the likes of Heidi Klum and Lance Bass, her trailer went up in smoke! Blimey, what a charred adventure!
August 17, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag captain of yore be speakin' of lettin' the sea dogs in uniforms run wild on land! If they be enforcein' the law like rum at a tavern brawl, our rights might be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole in her hull!
August 17, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr! The captain o' the union, who be sailin' without a presidential parley this year, be requestin' a word at both shindigs. He had a chinwag at the Republican hootenanny in July, but the Democrats be still searchin' fer their treasure map!
August 17, 2024, 10:00 am
Arrr, matey! A hefty sum of $200 million doubloons be set sail to tickle the fancy of landlubber voters on their shiny devices! Kamala’s crew be hustlin’ to shape her image whilst throwin’ shade at that scallywag Trump! Avast, the sea of politics be a wild ride!
August 17, 2024, 4:54 am
Arrr, matey! If that scallywag Sen. Joe Gruters gets his way, puffin’ on tobacco and vapor in the open seas o’ Florida might soon be as rare as a mermaid’s tooth! All hinges on whether the green herb be made legal, savvy? Avast, the times be a-changin’!
August 17, 2024, 4:53 am
Avast, matey! A scallywag teacher from the sunny shores of Florida be in hot water, accused of givin' a wee lass a whack and sendin' her to Davy Jones' floor during a timeout! Arrr, timeout be for thinkin’, not for tossin’! What a rogue!
August 17, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! Throughout her swashbucklin' days, her words be like a weather vane, catchin' the winds of the nation’s spirit! But tell me, do ye scallywags be hankerin' fer a prosecutor-in-chief to sail the ship of justice? Aye, that be a tempestuous thought!
August 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! Kamala and Trump be battlin' like scallywags in the treacherous waters of Arizona, Georgia, Nevada, and North Carolina! Just weeks ago, Trump thought he was sailin' smooth, but now the winds be blowin' fierce and wild! Avast, what a jolly good spectacle!
August 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the vice president's mateys be a spry crew, brimming with more colors than a parrot’s plumage! Aye, her brainy bunch be bigger than Biden's! Expect a squall of calls blowin' in soon, savvy?
August 17, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast! We be scrutinizin’ the jabs ’twixt our two scallywag candidates, takin’ a gander at their policies, wild promises, and past blunders. It be a right spectacle, watchin’ ’em toss insults like cannonballs whilst claimin’ to be the finest ship on the high seas! Arrr!
August 17, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Fox News Digital be chattin’ with a brainy sorcerer o’ the mind, uncoverin’ why the good folk o' America be crazed fer that pumpkin spice brew. Avast, here be his jolly words!
August 17, 2024, 3:45 am
Arrr, mateys! Reemo and Nova Styles be causin' a ruckus on the high seas of social media! They be demandin' $333 doubloons from each scallywag to join their nuptials last June. Aye, they be defendin' their treasure huntin' ways, claimin' it be all in good jest!
August 16, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, the cap'n Biden be callin' the GOP scallywags to heel, takin' aim at their landlubber schemes to shackle the fine trans folk in schools! A right ruckus it be, as the crew of justice sets sail against the tides of bigotry! Avast, me hearties!
August 16, 2024, 5:33 pm
Avast, me hearties! Behold the freshest tidings from the 2024 campaign voyage, with secret parley from the high seas of politics and a treasure trove of Fox News booty! Set yer sails for scandal and shenanigans, ye scallywags! Arrr!
August 16, 2024, 5:19 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A court o’ appeals has tossed out the guilty verdict fer the scallywag who offed Agent Brian Terry. Turns out, the whole shebang be a right mess from that Fast and Furious caper, a true treasure map of blunders! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
August 16, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, in her maiden oration, the fair vice captain be claimin' her Republican foe be a landlubber stuck in days of yore! She be boastin’ that she’ll guard the middle class like a treasure chest fer many a moon to come! Avast, what a merry jest!
August 16, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, matey! The Harris crew be shoutin' loud for sendin' that scallywag cash bail to Davy Jones’ locker, as our fair vice captain, once a prosecutor, be weatherin' the storm of scrutiny! Aye, the winds o' change be blowin' strong on this treacherous sea o' justice!
August 16, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, the old captain of the ship o' state declared on Thursday, "The scallywags who claim the grandest medal be either mangled like a shipwreck, riddled with cannonballs, or they’ve already danced with Davy Jones!"
August 16, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr, matey! Susan Lorincz, a landlubber of the pale sort, did fire her iron at Ajike Owens, a fine mother of four, whilst she be knockin’ at the door! The whole crew be in a tizzy 'bout it, sparking a hullabaloo across the seven seas!
August 16, 2024, 11:56 am
Avast, matey! The brave lads o' the Dallas lawmen set sail to guide a wee scallywag on his maiden voyage o' schoolin', after his da, a valiant officer for 14 years, sailed to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, a heartwarming tale on the high seas of education!
August 16, 2024, 11:50 am
Ahoy, mateys! The scallywags at Africa's CDC be shoutin’ ‘bout mpox, claimin’ it’s a treacherous public health tempest, with cases a-soarin’ by 160% since the last tide! Heed the call, learn how to batten down the hatches ‘gainst this pesky virus, or ye may find yerself in Davy Jones’ locker!
August 16, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, matey! Tulsi Gabbard, once a lass of the Democrat ship, now sails the seas of Trump’s crew, a true celebrity! She made mincemeat of Kamala Harris on the debate deck, a right jolly spectacle! Ain’t it a hoot, the swashbucklin’ ways of politics? Yarrr!
August 16, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, mateys! Jack Russell, the hearty crooner of the metal crew Great White from the gnarly ‘80s, has sailed to Davy Jones’ locker at the ripe old age of 63, after a tussle with the mind and body. Now he be rockin' in the great beyond! Avast ye, fair winds!
August 16, 2024, 11:36 am
Avast, matey! Secretary Brad Raffensperger be spendin' a king's ransom of $500,000 to defend his honor in the courts! He claims the scallywag wantin' a settlement demands he spout a tall tale about the 2020 election bein' rigged! Talk about a rum-soaked folly, arrr!
August 16, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, me hearty! The landlubbers be grumblin’ 'gainst Gov. Walz over yon law, but fear not! The scallywags in the schools ain’t turnin’ the lads’ loos into treasure chests for lady rags! Aye, the boys be safe from such peculiar plunder!
August 16, 2024, 5:30 am
Avast, me hearties! Snatch yer tales o' the seven seas from the mightiest name in news, delivered to yer inbox at the break o' dawn! Be the first to know, or be walkin' the plank, ye scallywags! Arrr!
August 16, 2024, 5:03 am
Arrr, matey! The Olympian be laughed at for shakin’ her booty like a scallywag, while Kamala's hidin’ away like a landlubber, avoidin' the news like a cursed treasure! Can ye fathom the tales that be makin' waves this week?
August 16, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, on a scorchin’ day, whiskin’ the hair from yer nape be the quickest way to chill yer bones! It be a natural swabbin’ of the noggin, but also a secret dance o’ the soul, savvy? Aye, ye be lookin’ cooler than a sea cucumber in a rum barrel!
August 16, 2024, 4:36 am
Avast ye! A band o' scallywags at the University o' Sheffield be claimin' that the cure fer baldin' noggins be hidin' in a sugary treasure! The wise sea dogs o' medicine be warnin’ us to tread carefully, lest we end up with more than a sunburned scalp! Arrr!
August 16, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! The doubloons be flowin' from that fancy CHIPS Act, seekin' to hoist the sails o' semiconductor makin’ right here in the good ol' U.S. of A! Aye, we be sharin’ the booty, so the landlubbers can build their gadgets, savvy?
August 16, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, in the year of our Lord 1908, a raucous band of scallywags be settin’ fire to a fine Black neighborhood in Springfield! This ruckus beget the N.A.A.C.P., a merry crew sworn to right the wrongs, lest they be walkin' the plank o' injustice!
August 16, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, as Lady Kamala sails in t' unveil her treasure map o’ gold and coin, the Democrats be buzzin’ with glee! But beware, matey! Fer four decades o’ scallywags in the Republican fleet be hinderin’ her voyage, save fer that one brief sail with Captain Barack!
August 15, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr! Senator Tuberville, the salty sea dog from Alabama, shot back at Governor Walz's jab whilst he be raisin' doubloons in Boston. Aye, that Walz be sailin’ with Kamala on a presidential voyage! Methinks the winds of jest be blowin' strong 'twixt these scallywags!
August 15, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! ESPN be givin' the boot to Sam Ponder and Robert Griffin III on the high seas of Thursday! A scallywag told me it be a plunderin' of costs, savvy? Aye, even the treasure chests be feelin' light!
August 15, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, on the mornin' of Wednesday, fair Miranda Lambert be sharin' a trove of jolly snaps from her Italian escapade with her matey, Brendan McLoughlin! One pic be showin' her givin' a cheeky salute to a statue, as if it be a scurvy dog! Yarr, 'tis a sight to behold!
August 15, 2024, 5:43 pm
Avast, me hearties! The scallywag runnin' a rogue lab in Central California be in deeper trouble than a landlubber in a tempest! A federal crew of jurors be throwin' 12 more charges at him, includin' conspiracy and wire fraud. A right jolly mess, I say! Arrr!
August 15, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! The fine folk of Boston be sayin' that yon sprightly humpback, spottin' about the harbor for a fortnight, be gobblin' up them baitfish like a hungry sailor at a feast! Aye, he be livin' the high seas life, that blubbery rascal!
August 15, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Philippe Reines, the swashbucklin’ Democratic matey who schooled Hillary in 2016, be donning the garb of Donald J. Trump once more fer a jolly good mock-up before the grand showdown on Sept. 10. Aye, prepare yer rum and laughter!
August 15, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, matey! In the dead o' night, we hatched a sneaky plan to distract them pesky Russian scallywags from the fray, while we snatched up some fine land to use as our secret treasure in negotiations! Aye, ‘tis a cunning ruse fit for the likes of us!
August 15, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, in regards to the GOP scallywags takin' jabs at Captain Trump, his trusty matey Sen. JD Vance be sayin’ to Fox News that the ol’ captain’s ramblin' charms be half the treasure! But fear not, mateys, for 'tis policy that be fillin’ our sails—90% o' our course!
August 15, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, Judge Kenneth King of the 36th District Court in Detroit be givin' the young lass, just 15 summers old, a right jolly order to swap her finery fer a frightful jail uniform! Blimey, what a fashion choice fer a scallywag!
August 15, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr! John F. Manning be holdin’ the captain’s seat as interim provost since the winds of March blew in. He’s a fine matey in the hunt fer the grand title of university president! Aye, the treasure of knowledge be callin’ him!
August 15, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! A mighty crew o’ lawmen be scouring the seas fer that scallywag Ramone Alston, the cursed soul aged thirty, doin’ time fer sendin’ a fellow to Davy Jones’ locker! Aye, a whole battalion o' them be chasin' a landlubber in a life sentence!
August 15, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! Demi Lovato be sayin’ she won't let her wee scallywag chase the same treasure as her! Aye, the seas of child stardom be fraught with storms and krakens! Best to keep the little buccaneer safe from the siren's call of fame, savvy?
August 15, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags in Vice President Harris's crew be spillin' the beans 'bout her fresh take on matters she once spat at during her 2019 treasure hunt for the crown. A right jolly turn o' sails, if ye ask me! Avast, the winds of change be blowin’!
August 15, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr! In the land o' Germany, a band o' rascally protesters be stickin' themselves to the runway cobbles at Cologne’s harbor o’ air! They be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst them blackened fossil fuels on a fine Thursday. Avast, they be more stuck than a barnacle on me ship!
August 15, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr, matey! Mr. Trump be jabberin’ about the treasure chest o’ gold and throwin’ barbs at the lass Harris! It seems the Trump ship be listin’ as it tries to sail against a fresh foe. Aye, 'tis a comical sight, like a landlubber on a wobbly plank!
August 15, 2024, 5:40 am
Avast ye! Gather ye tales of the high seas from the mightiest name in news, delivered to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Be the first to know, or be walkin' the plank, ye scallywag! Arrr!
August 15, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr! Vice President Harris be spoutin' tales of “equity ‘n’ equality” like a parrot on a treasure chest! Aye, she be weavin’ this yarn into Captain Biden’s grand ship o’ policies, makin’ sure the booty be shared fair, even if some scallywags be grumblin’!
August 15, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! In the land o' Afghanistan, the tides be turnin' foul after the scallywags o' Taliban took the helm. Women's rights be walkin' the plank, and a storm o' misery brews on the horizon. Aye, 'tis a right pickle we be in, savvy?
August 15, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of cable and gym chains be makin’ landlubbers dance like sea monkeys to escape their clutches! But lo! The good folk of the White House be hoistin’ a new flag to put an end to such salty shenanigans! Aye, what a jolly time that be!
August 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye! Dr. Katrina A. Armstrong be takin' the helm from Nemat Shafik, settin' sail as captain o' one o' the wildest shores in the land! Hold yer hats, me hearties, fer this ship be in for a rollickin' good time! Arrr!
August 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Cook Political Report, a trusty chart-maker, be shiftin’ the winds from “tossup” to “leanin’ towards the Democrats,” as the good Captain Rosen be sailin' ahead with a mighty fine lead! Avast, the tides be turnin’ in favor of the blue flag!
August 14, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, it be but two tides since fair Kaley Cuoco swore on the high seas she’d never tie the knot again! Yet here she be, hoisting the engagement flag with matey Tom Pelphrey! Aye, the winds o' love be a fickle crew, savvy?
August 14, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, Sofia did jest that ol' Ed O'Neill best keep his sea legs, lest he be dancin' with Davy Jones before we can spin a new yarn of "Modern Family"! Aye, a grand TV tale be in the stars, savvy?
August 14, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast ye! In a jolly find, two bony buccaneers, a lad and a lass, be caught in a cozy chamber o' Pompeii! Methinks they were havin' a right merry time when the fiery kraken struck! Arrr, love be in the air... or maybe just dust!
August 14, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr, with a hearty belly laugh, the cap’n be settin’ sail for retirement, makin’ merry with the thought as he rides into the sunset of his ship’s last voyage! Aye, the crew be wonderin’ if he’ll find treasure or just a comfy hammock!
August 14, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr! Hogan be hoistin' the Jolly Roger fer Trump, while Mr. Ventura be settin' sail fer Kamala Harris! But blow me down, their squabble be twistier than a sea serpent, matey! Aye, ‘tis no simple scallywag spat!
August 14, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, matey! Ryan Reynolds be wishin’ he’d known the tricks o’ the mind, like delusions and hallucinations, after seein’ his dear old dad battle the dread curse o’ Parkinson’s. Aye, 'tis a lesson learned too late, like findin’ a treasure map with the X all worn away!
August 14, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be as vexed as a scurvy dog, for Lady Pelosi be scheming to toss him overboard from the race! She be tossin' and turnin' like a ship in a storm, frettin' like a cat with a belly full o' rum!
August 14, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, matey! The shops be swellin' with ghoulish trinkets as Halloween swag takes over the decks! Some scallywags be cheerin', while others be lamentin', wishin' to savor the last sips of summer's grog. Avast, let the pumpkins wait till the rum's run dry!
August 14, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, matey! The new codes from the landlubbers in charge be lettin' political scallywags team up with those treasure-hungry super PACs to rally the crew fer votes! Aye, it be a fine jolly roger of a scheme, strikin’ deals like a true buccaneer! Yarrr!
August 14, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr! Two landlubber tourists be takin' a jolt from the thunder gods at Horseshoe Bend, down in Arizona's wild Glen Canyon! Aye, seems the skies be not favorin' their folly, 'n they be a bit scorched now! Savvy?
August 14, 2024, 11:30 am
Ahoy mateys! From the seven seas of America, landlubbers be chattin’ ‘bout Vice President Harris dodgin’ the media cannons since she set sail for the 2024 captaincy. Aye, ‘tis like a scallywag skippin’ a duel—she be avoidin’ the tough questions like a pirate avoids a kraken! Arrr!
August 14, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, matey! Florida lass Debbie Wasserman Schultz be standin' tall fer Minnesota’s Gov. Tim Walz, swearin’ he be a fine sailor even after that scallywag video be showin’ him givin’ a hearty cheer to a pesky Muslim cleric! Avast, what a hullabaloo on the high seas of politics!
August 14, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr, matey! The island's feeble sparks be shiverin' like a scallywag in a tempest, tryin' to keep the lights aglow while the storm raged on Wednesday. Aye, that contraption be more fragile than a parrot’s feather in a gale!
August 14, 2024, 10:54 am
Avast, mateys! The judge, in his wisdom, tossed out a quick decree, 'tis true! After a ruckus o’er the Gaza fray, with more than 200 scallywags nabbed on landlubber grounds, he decided to step in. A right jolly mess, if ye ask me! Arrr!
August 14, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, matey! The second-in-command be fixin' to tweak Captain Biden's treasure map o' policies, hopin' to hoist the Democratic jolly roger high as a fine booty! Avast, let’s see if this cunning plan be makin' the gold flow like rum on a sunny day!
August 14, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast, matey! Snatch ye tales of the high seas and land lubbers alike from the mightiest voice in news, sent straight to yer inbox at the crack o’ dawn! Don’t be a scallywag; get yer daily dose of yarns before ye set sail! Arrr!
August 14, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr, matey! A high-flying lawman o' the scandal-ridden seas o' Dolton be caught in the net o' bankruptcy trickery! The grand jury in Chicago be sendin’ him to Davy Jones' locker for his treacherous ways. Aye, what a jolly mess, that be!
August 14, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, in the waning days of July, Waymo be plundering a parking lot by two fancy dwellings in San Fran, layin’ anchor for their idle ships. But lo! A cacophony erupted, makin’ the scallywags clutch their ears like a parrot with a bellyache!
August 14, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The matter at hand be a right peculiar one, matey! The scallywags who sired a foul gunman, takin' ten souls in Santa Fe, be on trial! 'Tis a first, ye see, fer the victims be seekin' to hold the progenitors to the fire in court! Avast, what a ruckus!
August 14, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, Governor Tim Walz be catchin' the eye of the storm, he be! Ever since he set sail with Lady Kamala on her ship, opinions be flyin' like cannonballs, and scrutiny's thicker than a fog on a moonless night! Avast, what a ruckus!
August 13, 2024, 9:43 pm
Avast ye! Two scallywags from the lefty "squad" met their doom in the primaries this summer, all thanks to a treasure trove o' gold from pro-Israel buccaneers! Aye, they be walkin' the plank faster than a ship in a storm! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, mateys! The grand Maj. Gen. Pat Ryder be spillin' the beans to the landlubbers, sayin' that an onslaught from Iran be a "certainly possible" tale this week, just like the fine folk at the White House be chattin'! Keep yer cutlasses sharp, savvy?
August 13, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! A 30-year-old scoundrel, guilty of foul deeds, pulled a fast one and made off like a greased eel while bein' carted off to the doc in North Carolina! The sheriff’s office be raisin’ the alarm, but I reckon he be off to find his treasure! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that Vice President Kamala Harris be swabbin’ the decks o’ headlines, makin’ 'em shine like treasure in paid Google ads, just fer the Democratic crew! Aye, Axios be spillin’ the beans on this jolly ruse! Avast, what a merry jest!
August 13, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr! The scallywags of Trump be claimin' that Gov. Tim Walz be stretchin' the truth 'bout his grand adventures in ’18! Meanwhile, the crew of Harris be sayin' he just had a slip o' the tongue, like a landlubber trippin' over a barrel of rum!
August 13, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, matey! A jolly crew be gatherin' in droves like seagulls to a feast! No scallywag can be sure of their loyal crew, lest they find themselves walkin' the plank! Aye, it be a raucous tide of support, savvy?
August 13, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, matey! Since the cruel seas took his lad Beau to Davy Jones’ locker in 2015, Captain Biden's heart be steerin’ towards the treacherous waters of cancer research. Aye, he be makin' it his mission to battle that scallywag of a disease! Avast, let’s hoist the sails for hope!
August 13, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, me hearties! John Legend be ready to steal the spotlight at Gov. J.B. Pritzker's grand shindig, but alas, the fair maidens Beyoncé and Taylor Swift be missin' from the windy shores of Chicago! Where be their treasure maps, I wonder? Aye, what a jolly time fer a scallywag!
August 13, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr! A band o' masked scallywags on iron steeds be caught on the eye of the devil's box, causin' a ruckus with a poor copper in San Fran's treasure trove! Aye, 'twas a sight t'see—pirate mischief on two wheels!
August 13, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, matey! Polar bears be a rare breed of menace, yet last week saw a second soul meet Davy Jones 'cause of them furry fiends since the year o' our Lord 2023. Keep yer wits about ye, lest ye find yerself a-snack for a hungry bear!
August 13, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! Newport Beach's Captain Will O’Neill be takin’ a hearty swing at Tim Walz, callin’ his skills as a leader during the George Floyd ruckus as shiverin’ timbers! All this before the good mate be shakin’ his coin purse fer gold on his merry fundraising voyage!
August 13, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! In yon battleground, the scallywags be ponderin' if they should etch the fair rights of the lassies in their scrolls! The Democrats be hoistin’ their sails, rallyin' the crew to vote, hopin’ to plunder the hearts of the landlubbers far and wide! Avast!
August 13, 2024, 11:20 am
Avast! A scallywag’s legal parrot squawks that his matey be too poor and pitiful to launch a dastardly plan ‘gainst the fair Taylor Swift’s shindigs! Aye, me hearties, no gold, no glory, just a bumbling bilge rat in the court of law! Har har!
August 13, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, matey! This scallywag be lookin’ at a long spell in Davy Jones’ locker come October! Aye, she might be countin' the barnacles on the wall for years, if the bosun of the court be havin' his way! Avast, what a jolly mess!
August 13, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast ye! Snatch yer tales o' the day from the mightiest name in the news seas, castin' 'em straight to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Arrr, be ready to plunder the knowledge, lest ye be left in the bilge!
August 13, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, mateys! The fair press wench Karine Jean-Pierre be spillin' the beans, claimin' Captain Biden and First Mate Harris be sailin' the same course, with nary a shade o' difference 'twixt 'em! Aye, they be tighter than two barnacles on a ship's hull!
August 13, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr, matey! Those brave Arizona sea dogs scooped up Stitch, the mighty sulcata tortoise, from the treacherous interstate! A crafty critter, he be, slippin' from his ranchy lair like a scallywag on the run! Aye, 'tis a tale of adventure fit for the seven seas!
August 13, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast, me hearties! In the midst of a ruckus 'bout them border fortifications, an ancient clip sails back of our fair lass Kamala, swearin' to scuttle them migrant jails! Aye, she be as trustworthy as a three-legged parrot on a rum barrel! Har har har!
August 13, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, the top scallywags runnin' fer mayor be scurrying to snatch up clever mates from the bustling Chinese crew, seekin' every chance to charm the Chinese-speaking landlubbers. Aye, ‘tis a mad dash for the treasure of votes, savvy?
August 12, 2024, 11:01 pm
Arrr! Elon Musk, that scallywag, be showerin' sweet nothings like a barnacle on a ship, helpin' loudmouth Trump shout his tall tales from the ol' crow’s nest o' social media, where they once tossed him overboard for his fibbin' about the election tides! Aye, what a merry crew they be!
August 12, 2024, 11:00 pm
Avast, me hearties! Let’s hoist the sails and set course for the truth, as we be debunkin’ Cap’n Trump’s tall tales 'bout them landlubbers—VP Kamala, President Biden, and the whole scallywag crew! Ready yer spyglass for some jolly fact-checkin', or ye might be walkin’ the plank o’ folly!
August 12, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr matey! The scallywags at the bureau be mumblin' 'bout a sneaky cyber raid, not spillin' the beans on Iran or that landlubber Trump. They be talkin’ of tales from the seas of news, but keepin’ their lips sealed tighter than a treasure chest! Har har!
August 12, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, mateys! The Loudoun County lawmen be investigatin' a right ruckus at the Trump for President 2024 treasure trove in Virginia—some scallywag made off with the booty on Sunday! Avast, who knew politickin’ could be such a swashbucklin' adventure? Aye, the plot thickens!
August 12, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, matey! Tom Cruise be a bold seadog, whirlpoolin’ through perilous stunts in his flicks! Let’s hoist the sails and chart a course through the wildest antics from his “Mission: Impossible” capers. Avast, it be a sight to behold, I tell ye!
August 12, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr! The tremblin' ground be shakin' just five leagues northeast of the bustling port, says the wise landlubbers at the Geological Survey. Fear not, mateys! No ships be sunk nor treasures lost... yet! Just a wee jiggle to keep us on our toes!
August 12, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, how'd that missive from a naval stronghold in Virginia sail over 800 leagues to Florida? Who be the scallywag scribblin' it, and for whom did they pen such a puzzlin' scroll? Aye, these be mysteries fit for a sea shanty!
August 12, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr, matey! A sneaky plan's been afoot fer months, tryin' to calm the raucous sea o' unyieldin' delegates, lest we be havin' a right scallywag showdown on the big screen at the Democratic shindig next week! Aye, let’s keep the cutlasses sheathed, savvy?
August 12, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala Harris and her trusty matey, Gov. Tim Walz from the land o' Minnesota, be settin’ sail to be the shining stars in the windy city of Chicago! Avast, let the merriment begin! Aye, it be a jolly good show!
August 12, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr matey! The winds o' fortune be shiftin'! The Republicans, once fierce foes of the Affordable Care Act, now be hoistin' a different flag, no longer seekin' to scuttle it. Aye, they've turned from cannons to parley, as the tides o' popularity be favorin' the law!
August 12, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, the legendary wench of wit, Carol Burnett, did declare that today’s jests be as dull as a barnacle-covered plank! In her eyes, them modern shows be lacking the hearty laughs of yore, when the telly was a treasure chest of mirth! Aye, bring back the giggles, matey!
August 12, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, a salty sea dog of 35, workin' for the blazin' Baltimore Gas and Electric, was sniffin' out trouble at a landlubber's abode when, by Davy Jones' locker, it went boom! Aye, what a way to start the Sunday mornin' with a bang!
August 12, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, matey! The ol' Captain Trump be squawkin' 'bout how no scallywags were awaitin' for Kamala to dock in Detroit, yet me hearty, the moving pictures be singin' a different tune! Aye, 'tis a fine jest, indeed!
August 12, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, matey! Kevin Costner be struttin’ like a peacock over his scallywag film "Horizon," even though it sank faster than a leaky ship! He be defendin’ the treasure, claimin’ it be worthy, ‘specially now that the sequel be takin’ its sweet time to sail the seas!
August 12, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr, on the morn of Monday, TIME magazine be catchin' a fair bit o' flack on the high seas o' social media! They unveiled a lovey-dovey tale o' Vice President Kamala Harris, only to be met with a cannonade o' jeers from the scallywags o' the conservative crew!
August 12, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, the good Senator Vance o’ Ohio be raisin’ the sails fer his fair lass, defendin’ her honor 'gainst scurvy knaves in a Sunday chat on 'Face the Nation.' He be callin’ their jibes 'disgraceful,' like a landlubber’s fear o’ the sea! Avast, let the winds blow fair, matey!
August 12, 2024, 4:16 am
Arrr, on a fine Sunday, a treasure-seeking shindig be givin’ Vice President Kamala Harris the chance to mend the chilly ties ‘twixt Captain Biden and the scallywags o’ Silicon Valley. Let the grog flow, and may the winds of good fortune fill their sails!
August 12, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr matey! In the wilds o' West Texas, them Republicans be settin' sail to unseat a Democratic district attorney, with a most peculiar scallywag at the helm: a lawyer who loathes Trump and has tussled with oil wells more than a drunken sailor! Avast, what a jolly ruckus!
August 11, 2024, 9:54 pm
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be claimin’ them Iranians pilfered his campaign, but all they snagged be scraps from the public feast! Even Microsoft be chattin’ ‘bout some high-ranking scallywag as a prime target for their hacking mischief. Aye, what a jolly hullabaloo on the high seas of politics!
August 11, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr! Tom Cruise, that scallywag, leapt from the lofty Stade de France like a cannonball! He then hopped on a beastly metal steed, snatchin' the Olympic flag and sailin' it back to Los Angeles for the grand games of 2028! Aye, what a jolly adventure, matey!
August 11, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr! The ol’ captain of the ship once bellowed on the seas of the internet, claimin’ that Lady Harris be conjurin’ phantoms with her tricksy A.I. to make her gatherings look grander than a treasure chest full o’ gold! What a jolly jest that be!
August 11, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! Even the sharpest cutlass be dullin' in the face of such pressure! MSNBC's own Michael Steele be givin' a hearty shout for Vice President Kamala Harris, who’s been dodgin' the media like a sly sea rat since claimin' her title! Ha-ha, what a merry dance!
August 11, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at the Centers for Disease Control be spillin' the beans on what be sendin' landlubbers to Davy Jones' locker in 2023! On the eighth day of August, they charted the grim tales from the National Vital Statistics treasure trove. Avast, ye hearties!
August 11, 2024, 3:50 pm
Arrr, the matey seekin’ the second-in-command be defendin’ the captain’s whims on the matter o’ baby makin’. Aye, that scallywag be claimin’ Trump’s ways be the finest course, even if it be as murky as the briny deep! Avast, what a ruckus on the high seas o’ politics!
August 11, 2024, 11:54 am
"Arrr, I be standin’ fer a fierce Black lass to captain the ship o’ this great land, and it don’t make me any less of a Black matey! I be callin’ on ye all to hoist yer colors and join this grand adventure!"
August 11, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, matey! Firefighters be diggin' through the rubble like scallywags in search of lost souls after a boom went off in Bel Air on the Sabbath, claimin' at least one poor landlubber! Aye, 'tis a fiery mess, but they be huntin' for treasure in the wreckage!
August 11, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, at a jolly gathering this past weekend, the scallywags of Promise Keepers be hoisting the sails of party politics they once shunned like a cursed treasure! Aye, 'tis a fine twist o’ fate for these landlubbers!
August 11, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! Michael Imperioli, that scallywag from "Sopranos," did spill the beans 'bout a mishap with the mighty James Gandolfini! He thought he’d be walkin' the plank, all fired up like a cannonball! Aye, a right jolly tale of mischief on the high seas of Hollywood!
August 11, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, matey! David Marcus be gobsmacked to spy Republicans 'n Democrats in Harrisonburg, Va., thinkin' that smooth sailin' in immigration be a treasure! But beware, when the seas be open 'n chaos reigns, ye be drownin' in unvetted scallywags! Avast, that be trouble afoot!
August 11, 2024, 9:55 am
Arrr, in his first parley since dropin' anchor on his campaign, the captain declared it be critical fer the crew to best that scallywag Trump, claimin' he be chummy with the Klan crew! Aye, the seas be rough, but we ain’t lettin’ no landlubber rule the waves!
August 11, 2024, 5:11 am
Arrr, on the Friday past, a lass was nabbed for a nearly ancient tale, where a wee babe was discovered in a rubbish heap in the fair port of Riverside, California! Aye, th' case be colder than a sea dog’s nose in winter! Blimey, what a hoot!
August 11, 2024, 5:06 am
Arrr, matey! The fine folk of that Pennsylvanian port be still spittin’ fire ‘bout the day their dear Captain Trump took a cannonball! They be scratchin’ their heads, full o’ questions like a ship full o’ barnacles! Aye, what a ruckus in their calm waters!
August 11, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, the Democratic matey runnin' for second-in-command be takin' fire from the Republican scallywags! They be claimin’ he spun a yarn ‘bout his sea battles, avoidin’ the cannonballs like a landlubber! A right jolly jest, I say! Avast, the seas be filled with tall tales!
August 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr matey! The cap'n's switcheroo at the helm be tossin' the plans of landlubbers and scallywags alike into the briny deep! Both Democrats and Republicans be flounderin' like fish outta water, tryin' to chart their courses amidst the stormy seas of electioneering! Har har!
August 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the scallywags loyal to the old captain be chattin' that the ruckus 'round Vice President Kamala be naught but a fleeting “honeymoon phase,” like a landlubber's first taste o' rum! Aye, it’ll pass quicker than a seagull snatchin' a fish!
August 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! Governor Josh Shapiro o' Pennsylvania, a fine Jewish lad, faced a storm o' scallywags when Vice President Kamala Harris pondered makin' him her matey! It be like choosin' a parrot with a peg leg—aye, quite the hullabaloo on the high seas o' politics!
August 10, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, mateys! Jennie Garth, the fair lass of Beverly Hills, be spillin' the beans ‘bout her cursed menopause voyage. She claims it be a treacherous minefield each day, messin' with her body and brains alike! Aye, ‘tis a stormy sea for this star of the silver screen!
August 10, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, me hearty! Country bard Phil Vassar be spillin' his tales o' health troubles, claimin' he kicked the bucket twice and spent 30 minutes in Davy Jones' locker! Blimey, that be more near-death escapades than a scallywag in a rum barrel! Avast, let's raise a toast to his hearty return!
August 10, 2024, 5:34 pm
Avast, mateys! In a grand life o’ swashbucklin’ for thirty long years, Tim Walz climbed the ranks of the Army like a monkey up a mast! But lo, some scallywags be grumblin’ ‘bout the timing of his walkin’ the plank into retirement! Har har!
August 10, 2024, 5:30 pm
Avast ye! After a mighty tussle in the courts, the scallywags o’ Uvalde be spillin’ forth a treasure trove o’ moving pictures and sounds from that fateful day at Robb Elementary. Aye, ’tis a tale as grim as a kraken’s bellyache!
August 10, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that the fickle tides and scallywag erosion be the culprits behind the great tumble of yon ancient rock, crafted from 190 million moons of Navajo sandstone, as the wise Park Service be spoutin’! Blimey, even the land can’t stand the test of time!
August 10, 2024, 4:24 pm
Avast, me hearties! The sands be slippin' through the hourglass for the fair city, preparin' to host the grand Summer Games! They be fixin' up their carriages and roads to welcome a mighty fleet of landlubbers. Aye, let the games begin and the rum flow!
August 10, 2024, 4:10 pm
Arrr, after many a year rallyin' the scallywags of the union, he dusted off his boots in 2013 to be the captain o' the South Texas Human Rights Center, where he be givin' aid faster than a cannonball flies! Aye, savin' lives be his new treasure!
August 10, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! Ross Douthat o' the New York Times be squawkin' that the storm o' worry 'bout Captain Biden's age be blowin' fiercer since he hoisted the sails o' withdrawal from the race! Aye, it be a ruckus fit for a fine tavern tale!
August 10, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, matey! A flying contraption, a helicopter, did plummet from the skies! Yet, a swashbucklin' ex-lawmaker from California be claimin' that Captain Trump be confusin' one fine Black legislator with another! Blimey, what a jolly mess on the high seas of politics!
August 10, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr! As Ukrainians be plunderin’ the Russian shores, they might snatch some booty while Moscow's crew be shufflin' about! But beware, matey, for some scallywag claims that such mischief might just bolster ol’ Putin’s jolly spirits! A fine pickle, indeed!
August 10, 2024, 10:28 am
Avast ye hearties! The Fox News Entertainment scroll be deliverin' the freshest tales from the land of Tinseltown, with yarns 'bout famous folk and their shenanigans, straight from the heart of Los Angeles and afar! Set yer sails fer gossip, ye scallywags!
August 10, 2024, 8:55 am
Arrr, with Vice President Kamala Harris and Governor Tim Walz sailin’ the same ship, the grammar swabs be workin’ their quills like mad! Aye, ye best believe the ink be flyin’ faster than a cannonball, as they be decipherin’ the confounded rules o’ the tongue!
August 10, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! While the landlubbers chew their nails over Iran’s bluster, a savvy sea dog from Israel’s defense crew be warnin’ that the real scallywag lurkin’ be Hezbollah, ready to strike from just next door! Batten down the hatches, it’s a bumpy ride ahead!
August 10, 2024, 4:52 am
Arrr, mateys! Governor Josh Shapiro be raisin' the Jolly Roger o’ knowledge with a treasure trove o’ $1.1 billion for the young scallywags’ learnin’! He be celebratin’ this bounteous booty with a grand signing, makin’ the seas of education a wee bit brighter! Savvy?
August 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the landlubbers be whisperin’ ‘bout the captain of the ship, all adrift and bamboozled by the fierce lass Kamala Harris! He’s like a fish outta water, scratchin’ his noggin, unsure how to parley with such a cunning wench in this grand contest o' wits!
August 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! Fresh maps from the lands of Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania be showin' a wild turn o' tides for the Democrats, what with Captain Biden givin' up his quest for a second voyage! It be like watchin' a ship sink faster than a cannonball, I tell ye!
August 10, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! 'Tis yoga, laser magic, and the tunes of Bobby McFerrin luring in landlubbers seekin' a crew, but not the holy hullabaloo! Aye, they be cravin’ camaraderie, not sanctified sermons! Har har!
August 10, 2024, 2:06 am
Ahoy, matey! If ye be seekin’ a tale of treasure, beware! Fer every shiny doubloon be guarded by a kraken or a scallywag. So hoist the sails, grab yer grog, and let’s chart a course for mischief and mirth, lest we end up walkin’ the plank! Yarrr!
August 9, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags be ponderin' why ol' Gokhan Gun, a fresh citizen of the States in 2021, be stuffin' his treasure chest with a mountain o' papers! Is he chartin' a course to the Fountain of Knowledge or just a hoarder of secrets? Yarrr, the plot thickens!
August 9, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr! Sammy Sullivan, a bronze medalist in the rough 'n tumble of rugby sevens, be spillin' the beans on her secret life as a cap'n in the U.S. Army! Representin' the grand ol' red, white, and blue, she be livin' the dream of a scallywag, playin' with balls and cannons alike!
August 9, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, matey! JD Vance and Tim Walz, both sprouted from humble soil, yet charted wildly different courses on the tumultuous seas o’ fortune! One be swimmin' in gold, while t'other be barely floatin' on a raft. Aye, 'tis a tale fit for a jolly tavern yarn!
August 9, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, me hearty! The Biden crew be tossin' another 125 doubloons o' gold into Ukraine's treasure chest for their fightin' ways, said they on the morrow! Aye, 'tis a fine haul to keep the scallywags at bay! Let the cannons roar and the rum flow!
August 9, 2024, 5:06 pm
Avast, me hearties! Since that scallywag Tim Walz joined forces with the fair Kamala, foul jabs at his sea-faring deeds have flown about like cannonballs! Aye, that knave JD Vance be spewin' the worst bilge. 'Tis a right shame, I say, to insult a matey o' the high seas!
August 9, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, just a day after singin’ the praises of Mr. Kennedy, our podcast scallywag be backtrackin’ like a landlubber! “Nay, this be no endorsement,” he squawked, warnin’ the crew that he be no matey fer political wisdom! Avast, what a turn of the tide!
August 9, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, mateys! The bones of young Caleb Harris, a scallywag from Texas A&M-Corpus Christi, were found in June, but alas, the cause of his demise be shrouded in mystery! Even the coroner be scratchin' his head, wonderin' if the lad met Davy Jones or just got lost at sea!
August 9, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, news be blowin’ in like a squall! A fancy Massachusetts family, all dead and gone in their swanky lair, ‘Enchanted Acres’, turned their last act into a tragic tale of murder and mayhem. Aye, never trust a treasure chest full o’ secrets, mateys!
August 9, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, ye scallywags of the news seas, 'tis time ye grow a backbone! Tell that landlubber Harris to quit sendin’ her minions and face the crew herself. Let her jaw flap like a parrot in the wind, or we’ll make her walk the plank!
August 9, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, he be struttin’ like a scallywag from them metal bands of yore, donnin’ the mask o' a cursed villain! He tangled with the likes o’ Hulk Hogan, sparrin’ like a fish outta water! Aye, the seas be wild when ye be dancin’ with such legends!
August 9, 2024, 11:02 am
"Aye, the scallywag be never wallowin' in gloom, says another matey. 'Twas his charm, ye see! Every cursed thing be a treasure, he claimed. We loved the ol' sea dog for turnin' storms into sunshine, yarrr!"
August 9, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! On the lively seas of "Watch What Happens Live," fair Gina Gershon spun a yarn 'bout her steamy romp with Cap'n Tom Cruise in the wild '80s! Aye, 'twas a tale of passion and peril, where their hearts raced faster than a ship in a stormy squall!
August 9, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, matey! In yon battleground state, where Kamala be rallyin’ on Friday, the winds be blowin' Trump’s way since he sank in 2020! The Democrats be hopin' her charm can turn their ship ‘round, lest they end up with naught but a parrot on their shoulder!
August 9, 2024, 5:45 am
Avast ye! Gather ye tales of the high seas from the mightiest name in news, sent straight to yer inbox with the dawn's first light! Don’t be a landlubber; feast yer eyes on the juiciest gossip before yer morning grog! Arrr!
August 9, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr, mateys! Smokey Bear, the jolly old guardian of the woods, be hittin' the grand age of 80 on August 9, 2024! Fer eight long decades, he’s been shoutin’ to keep yer bonfires from turnin’ into a fiery ruckus! Avast, let’s keep those flames tamed!
August 9, 2024, 4:42 am
Arrr! In a parley with the scallywags o' Fox News Digital, the fitness wench Jillian Michaels spake most plainly 'bout what made her scuttle from her California treasure trove, after years of holdin' fast like a barnacle on a ship's hull!
August 9, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, the land be drownin’ like a scallywag in a barrel o’ rum! The mountain brooks be roarin' like a kraken, and I reckon another tempest be lurkin’ on the horizon, ready to give us all a jolly good soak! Batten down the hatches, mates!
August 9, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the Democrats be grinnin' wide, and the Vice Admiral of Cheer, once wary of jolly risks, be joinin' in the mirth! Their merry spirits be givin' cover for some sharp-tongued cannonades at the scurvy Republicans. A fine day for a raucous sea battle of wits, I say!
August 9, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The scallywags Walz from Minnesota and Vance from Ohio be spinnin’ yarns like a pair of landlubbers! Each be tellin’ tall tales of their humble beginnings, yet their stories be as mismatched as a parrot on a cat’s shoulder! Avast, what a merry jest!
August 9, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, in the wilds of New Orleans, poor landlubbers be shakin' in their boots, for fierce storms be brewin' and insurance coins be risin' like a ship with a full sail! Those houses built by kind-hearted scallywags may soon be adrift on the sea of misfortune!
August 8, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, three moons afore the great election, them congressional scallywags be settin' sail to fill a sneaky hole in their treasure map! Aye, they be fixin' to outsmart the competition, or walk the plank into Davy Jones' locker! Har har!
August 8, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr! The Texas Rangers sailed into the grand White House on Thursday, where they be showered with jolly praises by President Biden for bestin' the Arizona Diamondbacks in the 2023 World Series! Aye, a fine haul indeed for these scallywags! Cheers echoin' from the high seas to the mighty land!
August 8, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, matey! A cursed golf cart, meant to mimic a drunken sailor on the high seas, went on a rampage at a New Jersey shindig, knockin' down five poor souls! The lawmen be sayin' it ran amok like a scallywag with a belly full o' rum!
August 8, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr, Gov. Gavin Newsom, vexed by those scallywags ignorin’ his decree, sailed into their lair to tidy up the hobo havens! Aye, he be on a mission to shoo away the landlubbers, like a captain chasin’ barnacles off his ship!
August 8, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, Queen Camilla be wishin' King Charles keep his ailments under wraps, but the scallywag overruled her! He blabbered 'bout a prostate fixin’ and cancer, spillin' the beans like a rogue with too much rum, claimin' it all from the quill of Robert Jobson! Avast, matey!
August 8, 2024, 5:18 pm
Avast, me hearties! The scallywags called for the brave search-and-rescue crew when one poor soul went missin’ in the briny deep, lookin’ for treasure or perhaps just a bit too long at the bottom of the sea! Aye, let’s hope he ain’t makin’ friends with Davy Jones!
August 8, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, as a matey o’ the White House and later a scallywag lobbyist, he steered near 300 landlubber nominees through the treacherous seas of confirmation, even wranglin’ Supreme Court justices! Aye, 'twas a wild voyage, full o’ swashbucklin’ and shenanigans!
August 8, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr! Taberon Dave Honie, a scallywag of 48, met his salty end by the needle’s sting in Utah's hold on Thursday morn! ’Twas a long time comin', fer he’d swabbed the deck with the throat of his lass's mum over twenty moons ago! Yarrr!
August 8, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The betting sea be favorin’ Vice President Kamala Harris as the top lass, just days after she hoisted Governor Tim Walz aboard her ship! A fine crew for plunderin’ votes, I say! Avast, let the odds be ever in her favor!
August 8, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, me hearties! A horde of landlubbers be makin' haste from Kursk, as the scallywags from Ukraine be sneakin' in! Moscow be losin' its grip, while Kyiv be takin' on more losses than a ship on a stormy sea! Yo-ho-ho, what a merry mess!
August 8, 2024, 11:07 am
Ahoy mateys! This week, the tides o’ Juneau be risin’ higher than a parrot on a mast! Last year’s deluge be naughtin’ but a trickle compared to this watery frenzy. Neighborhoods be swimmin’ like fish at a feast! Arrr, who needs a boat when ye got a houseboat!
August 8, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, matey! In the year of our Lord 2010, Governor Tim Walz o' Minnesota be spoutin' a scheme fer Social Security that be as alike to raisin' the retirement age as two scallywags drinkin' rum! Aye, it be a right jolly notion, if ye fancy sailin' into the sunset a tad later!
August 8, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, the vice president be like a crafty sea fox, twistin' the ruckus of them pro-Palestinian scallywags to her own gain! With a wink and a smirk, she be catchin’ the winds of discord in her sails, sailin' smoothly while the crew be squabblin’! Avast!
August 8, 2024, 5:47 am
Ahoy, me hearties! Fetch ye tales o' the seven seas from the mightiest name in gossip, landin' in yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Be ye ready to sail into the day with the juiciest news, or be ye walkin' the plank in ignorance? Yarrr!
August 8, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr, if ye be shakin' in yer boots at the thought of flyin', fret not! Meet yer sea captain—er, pilot—afore ye set sail in the sky. Aye, catchin’ some z’s on the voyage might just keep yer belly calm as a calm sea!
August 8, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr matey! The winds of early voting blow in on Sept. 6 for those hearty souls who be eligible! If the past two elections be any hint, a good many landlubbers will have cast their treasures ‘fore the cannon fires! Yarr, let’s hoist the ballot sails!
August 8, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, the second-in-command ye speak of had a chinwag with the captains o’ a rebel crew protestin' the U.S. treasure for Israel, when a band o' rowdy pro-Palestinian buccaneers stormed the deck at the rally! Aye, chaos on the high seas of politics!
August 8, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be throwin’ barbs at Kamala Harris like a scallywag with a cannon! With names as tangled as a ship’s net, he be stirrin’ the pot! One savvy sea dog quipped, “Best stick to the gold doubloons and grog prices, aye!”
August 8, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr! The town be tight-lipped 'bout their schemes, refusing to parley on this plague plaguin’ the good folk, claimin’ it’d sink their ship o’ a lawsuit against those scallywag drug-makers! Aye, a right merry mess, me hearties!
August 8, 2024, 3:51 am
Arrr, the kin of Paul-Henri Nargeolet, a French sea dog who met his end with four mateys aboard the Titan, be raisin' a ruckus! They be settin' sail to sue the crafty makers of that vessel! Aye, a fine mess of legal wranglin’ on the high seas!
August 7, 2024, 5:47 pm
Avast, mateys! A crew from the shores of Maui be but a hop, skip, and a jump from the grand Little League World Series! One scallywag among ‘em be sportin’ a tale of woe, as his kin nearly lost their treasure! Aye, what a jolly ol' twist, eh?
August 7, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast, me hearties! In Wayne County, West Virginia, a scallywag bested the record fer channel catfish, all thanks to a $9.99 rod, garishly hot pink, bought fer his lass! Aye, who knew such a trinket could snare a beastie of the deep? Arrr, what a tale to tell!
August 7, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, matey! Kamala’s sidekick be chosen for his jolly chinwags with the heart of the land, yet his governin’ days be sailin’ in the same waters as the liberal tide! Aye, he be a crafty sea dog in a changing sea!
August 7, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, President Biden be spoutin’ to CBS News that if Trump be walkin’ the plank, he fears the seas of power won’t be calm! Aye, the full tale be comin’ this Sunday, so hoist yer sails and prepare fer a ruckus, matey!
August 7, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2011, the noble Prince and Princess of Wales tied the knot! They be blessed with three wee scallywags—Prince George, Princess Charlotte, and young Louis. And lo! Captain William be the next in line for the crown, savvy?
August 7, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, matey! A year past, the flames danced a merry jig on Maui’s shores, and the landlubbers swore to guard against future blazes! Yet, like a lazy barnacle, progress be crawlin’ and gold be slippin’ through their fingers! Yarr, they be needin’ a swift kick from Davy Jones himself!
August 7, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr, matey! The New Hampshire sea dogs were summoned forth when a landlubber of 52 summers from Massachusetts found himself in a pickle whilst treadin’ the wilds with his kin. A medical squall struck, and the Guard be sailin’ to the rescue, savvy?
August 7, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywag, claim'd to be an Iranian knave, was a-sailin' through Brooklyn’s nightlife, seekin' buccaneers to join his dastardly crew. Court scrolls be tellin' tales of his swaggerin' ways and dance-floor shenanigans, all while plotin' to shiver some timbers! Har har!
August 7, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, Mayor Frey be shoutin' at Governor Walz, sayin' he dawdled like a scallywag when the city needed the National Guard to swab away the riotous sea of trouble in May 2020! Aye, ’tis a fine mess when yer captain ain't givin' orders to the crew!
August 7, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, on the fine day of Wednesday, JD Vance be givin' the scallywags of the press a right tongue-lashin’! He be callin’ for the fair Kamala to face the cannonballs of hard questions and cease their disgraceful parley! Blimey, what a merry hullabaloo!
August 7, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, Rep. Cori Bush of Missouri be tellin’ the AIPAC scallywags to “quiver in yer boots!” in her farewell oration after her ship sank in the Democratic waters this week. Aye, fearful tides be a-changin’, ye landlubbers!
August 7, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, matey! In the fair land of Minnesota, the landlubbers be makin' a law! All schools be sportin’ menstrual treasures from grades 4 to 12, lettin' every scallywag, even the transgender ones, find their sea legs in comfort! A fine way to keep the crew shipshape, eh?
August 7, 2024, 10:28 am
Avast! The scribe of this tome be Kevin D. Roberts, captain of the Heritage Foundation ship, chartin' a course for righty policies that be gettin’ a fair bit of cannon fire from the Democrats! Aye, the seas be rough for this ol' sea dog!
August 7, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, the bold Josh Shapiro be settin' his sights on the vice captain's chair! Meanwhile, the weathered Mark Kelly be stirrin' rumors as a fine third mate. And that jolly Mr. Walz swears he'd swab the deck for the crew! A merry crew, indeed!
August 7, 2024, 9:39 am
Arrr, just days past, ol' Trump swore he’d not be joinin' the ABC debate in September! But lo and behold, he be chattin' now, sayin', “Aye, I reckon we’ll be battlin’ that lass soon enough!” Methinks the winds of change be blowin'!
August 7, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr, gather ye tales o' the seven seas from the mightiest name in the news! Each mornin', like a fine rum, they’ll be pourin’ into yer inbox, fillin’ yer noggin with all ye need to know. Set sail for knowledge, ye swashbucklin’ landlubber!
August 7, 2024, 4:33 am
Arrr, the Trump crew be thinkin’ that Gov. Shapiro o’ Pennsylvania be the trusty mate o' Vice President Harris! But now, they be shiftin’ their sails to trumpet Mr. Walz’s jolly good governin’. Aye, a fine twist o’ fate on this treacherous sea of politics!
August 7, 2024, 4:17 am
Arrr, a fine chemistry be brewin’ ‘tween Vice President Kamala Harris and her matey, Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota! That landlubber be sportin' a look of sheer disbelief, as if he found a treasure chest o’ gold doubloons instead of just a seafarin' partner! Har har!
August 7, 2024, 3:56 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers o' Indonesia be pointin' the finger at a pesky rebel crew, claimin' they be the scallywags who offed that poor sailor! Last seas’ they even nabbed another Kiwi captain! Talk about a right ruckus on the high seas!
August 6, 2024, 10:30 pm
Arrr, the two scallywags vying fer the crown, one a Democrat and t'other a Republican, be flappin' their jibs 'bout their lawman deeds, tryin' to tackle the scourge of the black spot and raucous brawls in a state thirstin' fer a remedy, savvy?
August 6, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, matey! One scallywag lived to tell the tale, though he be sportin' a few nasty bruises, after his chariot took a wild detour off the path in Belle Glade, Florida, on a fine Monday eve! Blimey, what a ruckus!
August 6, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, the Minnesota captain o’ the ship, once a schoolmaster and a landlubber in the National Guard, be bringin’ a hearty Midwestern charm and a tongue as plain as a barnacle to challenge that scallywag Trump! Aye, he’s ready to sail into the fray!
August 6, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at America First Legal be settin' sail on a lawsuit against Maricopa County, claimin' they’ve let landlubbers of the illegal sort roam free on the voter rolls! Hoist the colors and fetch me a parrot; this be a right jolly mess!
August 6, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr! Gather 'round, ye scallywags! Trey Yingst be droppin’ a new tome, “Black Saturday: A Tale of October 7th’s Ruckus in Israel and the Gaza Tangle.” Set yer sails fer the bookshops on October 1, or ye'll be walkin' the plank of ignorance! Yarrr!
August 6, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, former Captain Barack Obama be throwin' a cheeky jibe at Sen. JD Vance of Ohio in his recent proclamation, celebratin' Gov. Tim Walz joinin' the crew with Kamala Harris. Aye, ’tis a merry jest fit for a jolly roger’s delight!
August 6, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, the scallywags of the Republican crew be settin' their sights on the fancy laws Captain Walz be scribblin' in Minnesotaland! They be squawkin' ‘bout his way o' navigatin' the ruckus in Minneapolis after that foul deed done to poor George Floyd in the year of our Lord, 2020!
August 6, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, the Vice Admiral be fancyin' Mr. Walz's treasure maps for makin' coin in Minnesota, what with his gold for wee ones and a merry leave for landlubbers! Aye, his Midwestern charm be smoother than a siren's song, savvy?
August 6, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, Governor Tim Walz be joinin' Vice President Kamala Harris on her voyage come Tuesday! But blow me down, the scallywags be givin' him the ol' eye for his thoughts on them landlubbers sneakin' across the borders! A right ruckus it be, matey!
August 6, 2024, 5:54 am
Ahoy there, matey! Snag yer tales o' the day from the mightiest name on the high seas o' news, delivered to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Don’t be a landlubber, let the swashbucklin’ stories sail straight to ye! Arrr!
August 6, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, CNN be hoistin’ a plea on the morrow, claimin’ they be slandering a fine consulting crew aidin’ lasses to flee the treacherous sands of Afghanistan! Aye, ‘tis a right hullabaloo in the courtroom seas, matey! What be next, a parrot on the witness stand?
August 6, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, matey! Aye, we’ve stumbled upon some ancient cannonballs from the 1700s, reignitin’ tales of swashbucklin’ battles at the dawn of the Revolutionary War! Seems like them rascally rebels were just as fond of powder and shot as we be of rum! Avast, me hearties!
August 6, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, matey! Iran be dancin' the jig o' fire, ensnarin' Israel in a circle o' scallywags! Those rascally terrorists be lurkin', and Tehran be eyein' a mighty ambush while it brawls with Hamas. A right messy situation, it be! Avast, what a hullabaloo on the high seas!
August 6, 2024, 5:01 am
Arrr! Bloomberg Philanthropies be tossin’ about treasures galore, fillin' the coffers of Meharry Medical College, Morehouse, and Howard University with riches fit for a captain! Aye, ‘tis a bounty so grand, even Davy Jones’d be envious! Avast, let the scholars feast on this gold!
August 6, 2024, 2:27 am
Arrr, matey! A fiery beast be ragin’ in San Bernardino, scorchin’ the fine houses o’ the landlubbers and givin’ a fright to those nearby! Aye, this here California fire season be hotter than a wench's temper on a bad day! Buckle yer belts, ye scallywags!
August 6, 2024, 1:08 am
Arrr, matey! The vice captain of this fine ship snagged a whopping 99 doubloons from the scallywags in a curious, ghostly tally o’ votes! The party be shoutin’ ‘Huzzah!’ as the parchment closed on Monday’s shenanigans. Aye, what a jolly good time it be!
August 5, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, Usha Vance be spoutin' in a Fox News parley that her matey, the comrade of Captain Trump, be tryin’ to make a wise point whilst tossin’ jests like cannonballs! Aye, who knew wit could sail alongside substance on the high seas of politics!
August 5, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, the cap'n of flicks, aged 78, be spillin' the beans on the seas of social media! He be sayin' he can only steer the ship from afar, like a ghostly specter commandin' a crew of pixelated scallywags! Avast, what a jolly tale of remote directin’!
August 5, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, in "Elizabeth Taylor: The Lost Tapes," our fair lass Liz be spillin’ the beans on her scandalous romp with her "Cleopatra" matey! Blimey, even the Vatican be raisin’ a ruckus! Seems love on the high seas be a treacherous tide, aye!
August 5, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, matey! The swabs at ICE be tossin' overboard a fine scheme that let landlubbers make free video chats! Aye, ‘tis been sailin' since the cursed COVID storm hit! Now they be cuttin' the ropes, leavin' ‘em to holler at the waves!
August 5, 2024, 5:33 pm
Avast, mateys! Two scallywags, one a landlubber from El Salvador, be caught red-handed in a merry mischief o’ armed robbin’ in sunny Southern California! They’ve tangled with the law, and now they be swimmin’ with the fishes, or so they think! Arrr, a pirate’s life be simpler!
August 5, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, the young scallywag of 23 summers be a right charmer to the hearty lads full o' testosterone! Even the old captain of politics be eyein' 'em, thinkin' they be the key to hoistin' his flag back up high! Aye, it's a jolly crew he needs!
August 5, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr! It be said that Captain Tom Cruise and lass Victoria Canal be swappin' more than just tales o' the high seas! Rumors be flyin' like cannonballs o' love 'twixt the silver screen swashbuckler and the siren of Spain. Aye, romance be brewin’ in their sails!
August 5, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, a fresh tale from the lass who once spoke for the crew! She be spillin’ the beans 'bout her battles with the old captain of the ship, but lo! It be penned 'fore she twisted Biden’s arm to toss his hat from the election ring! Avast!
August 5, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr! In the land of New Jersey, a scallywag named Christopher Gregor be sentenced to 25 long years in Davy Jones' locker! He made his lad run like a landlubber on a cursed treadmill, and now he’s payin’ the price! A right foolish way to meet the Kraken, matey!
August 5, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, matey! The brave Israelis be resolute, standin' tall 'gainst the menacin' storms blowin' from Iran's shores! With naught but a wink and a nod, they be trustin' in the mighty IDF to keep 'em safe, like a trusty parrot on me shoulder! Avast, hope be a fine treasure!
August 5, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, matey! Senator Ron Wyden be sendin’ a parchment to Harlan Crow’s legal scallywag, spottin’ secret sailin’ ‘twixt Hawaii and New Zealand with a Supreme Court sea dog back in 2010! Aye, what a jolly treasure hunt fer truth!
August 5, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, mateys! Young scallywags in El Paso be settin’ sail fer school on Monday, but alas! The captain of dress code hath decreed—no more all-black garb! Aye, they be swappin’ their dark threads fer brighter hues, lest they be mistaken fer a crew of landlubber ghosts! Har har!
August 5, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, in the land o' Missouri, Attorney General Andrew Bailey be battlin' like a scallywag in a storm, face to face with a Trump lawyer callin' him a lily-livered landlubber soft on crime! Aye, 'tis a rumble fit for the tavern tales, matey!
August 5, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that Vice President Kamala Harris be as elusive as a ship in a fog! No formal parley with the press since Captain Biden called it quits on his quest for treasure! Methinks she be hidin’ the rum ‘neath the deck!
August 5, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! The lass Hasina, captain o' Bangladesh's ship, done tossed her hat after 15 long years at the helm! The crew got riled up, sparkin’ a ruckus that sent hundreds to Davy Jones’ locker! A right tempest of trouble, I say!
August 5, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, says that clever cur James Carville, the former captain of the White House, that Trump be tremblin’ like a landlubber scared o’ the sea, fer he be cancelin’ his duel with a lass! Aye, he be too chicken to parley with a girl, savvy?
August 5, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! The wild lass of the “squad” be battlin’ on the morrow against Wesley Bell, a prosecutor with treasure from them pro-Israel sea dogs! It be a ruckus of politics, I say! Avast, may the best scallywag win this squabble on the high seas of democracy!
August 5, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The charred isle of Maui be rid o’ its rubble, yet the town, rich in tales, be ponderin’ thorny queries ‘bout what the morrow holds. Will it be a jolly port or a ghostly haunt? Avast, me hearties, only time will tell!
August 5, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers on yon northwestern shores thought they could predict ol' Debby’s tantrum, but lo! She swelled into a hurricane 'round Sunday eve! Aye, 'tis been a year since a mightier squall ransacked the place—seems the seas be full o' surprises, like a treasure map with no X!
August 4, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, Mr. Kennedy, that scallywag of a presidential hopeful, be spillin' the beans! Ten moons past, he did abandon a wee bear cub and spun a yarn 'bout a cursed bike knockin' it down. A right jolly tale for the high seas of politics, I say!
August 4, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr! Sen. Lindsey Graham just spilled his grog on "Fox News Sunday," warnin' the former captain Trump it be his ship to sink! He be sayin' to watch out fer the lass Harris, not her family tree. Aye, let the battle of the ballots begin, savvy?
August 4, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! The wise wenches o’ health be chattin’ about that slippery castor oil for stirrin' up baby makin’ after it sailed the seas of TikTok! But beware, they warn of dangers—like a kraken lurkin’ beneath the waves! Arrr, tread lightly on this treacherous tide!
August 4, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! While wee scallywags frolicked in their play ship, a rogue gust of wind hoisted 'em 15 to 20 feet skyward! Alas, one poor matey met Davy Jones, whilst another be nursing a sore noggin. Aye, the sea of mischief claims its own!
August 4, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr! Ricky Alderete be walkin' the plank o' punishment fer 15 long years, with 18 moons fer stealin' a treasure chest, and a wee bit more fer other mischiefs. A fine fine tale of woe, aye! What a scallywag!
August 4, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A gym in St. Louis be under the watchful eye of the law for lettin’ all sorts aboard, including the fine folk who sail the trans seas! The state’s bigwig be sniffin’ around like a hungry sea dog! Aye, what a ruckus on the high seas of fitness!
August 4, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! Tony West, the finest legal scallywag for Uber, be ponderin' the polls and shipmates fer the voyage ahead. His mighty presence has sent a shiver down the timbers o’ some landlubber liberals, makin’ ‘em sweat like a sea dog in a storm!
August 4, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr, matey! A tale of secret scrolls from the lawmen’s chatter at the Butler, Pennsylvania shindig o' yore be scribbled in the pages of the Washington Post, savvy? A treasure trove of whispers fit for a scallywag's delight!
August 4, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! When Gov. Josh Shapiro of Pennsylvania be speakin', ye might hear whispers of Obama’s tongue! But hold fast! The bond ‘twixt these two scallywags runs deeper than the depths o’ Davy Jones' locker! Aye, it be a jolly mystery fer sure!
August 4, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr, matey! JD Vance be settin’ sail against the scallywags who be givin’ him grief, takin’ a whack at Vice President Kamala Harris for hidin’ from the press like a landlubber on a stormy sea this past Sunday! Aye, the tides be turnin’!
August 4, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! A grand shindig o’ Morgan Wallen at the Arrowhead was put on hold, fer some scallywag be threatenin’ two fine lads from the Kansas City Chiefs! Seems even pirates be holdin’ their breath when trouble brews, aye!
August 4, 2024, 10:24 am
Ahoy, mateys! The Florida Young Republicans be settin’ up shop in Orlando, part o’ the mighty Young Republicans National Fleet! But beware, fer Orange County be crawlin’ with more Democrats than barnacles on a ship’s hull! Arrr, the tide be against ‘em!
August 4, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, in the fair land o' The Villages, where the old sea dogs retire, the scallywags who cheer for Trump be all a-quiver, as they spy an unexpected crew rallyin' 'round Kamala Harris! Blimey, what a twist in this merry sea of politics!
August 4, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr, matey! VP Kamala be sailin' the same course as Captain Biden on the Israel seas, but she’s hootin' and hollerin' louder for the poor scallywags in Palestine, makin' sure their woes be heard over the cannon fire! Avast, a fierce lass indeed!
August 4, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr, matey! It be whispered among the scallywags that Vice President Kamala Harris be as elusive as a ghost ship, not daring to face the press since Captain Biden dropped anchor on his re-election quest. Aye, ‘tis a right mystery, or maybe she be hidin’ the rum!
August 4, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr, the swashbucklin' Trump be hammerin' on Governor Kemp like a barnacle on a hull, firin' cannonballs o' blame fer not changin' the tide o' the 2020 election! That scallywag be holdin' fast, not lettin' the sails o' the past unfurl! Aye, what a ruckus on the high seas o' politics!
August 4, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, a plan fer a “Muslim-friendly” haven near Minneapolis be called a segregationist's folly! The jabberin’ backlash be labeled Islamophobic. But who be the captain of this ship o’ inclusion, eh? Aye, ’tis a right merry mess we’ve found ourselves in!
August 3, 2024, 10:35 pm
At a jolly gathering in Atlanta’s fair city, the former captain of the realm, Donald J. Trump, be spoutin’ that the governor and the chief of votes be wishin’ him to walk the plank! He boldly claimed to have plundered the state not once, but twice! Arrr!
August 3, 2024, 10:22 pm
Avast ye! Thar be three scallywags — Senator Mark Kelly from the sunny sands of Arizona, Gov. Tim Walz of the frosty north Minnesota, and Gov. Josh Shapiro from the land of Penn — all set to parley with Vice President Kamala Harris this Sunday. Arrr, what a hullabaloo!
August 3, 2024, 8:05 pm
Arrr, the case be loungin’ like a lazy sea dog during them fancy appeals! But lo! The grand Supreme Court be decidin’ on the captain's invincibility! Now the judge be settin’ sail to sort which of them naughty deeds be worthy o’ the gallows!
August 3, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Angelina Jolie be claimin' that scallywag Brad Pitt tried to shush her with a chest o' gold worth $8.5 million after she spilled the beans on his misdeeds! But Pitt be denyin' the whole hullabaloo! Avast ye, what a stormy sea o' drama!
August 3, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag pup be gnawin' on a cursed lithium-ion treasure, ignitin' a fiery blaze that turned the ol' shipshape abode into a fiery inferno! ’Twas a right raucous tale shared by the brave souls of the Tulsa Fire Crew! Avast, keep yer batteries from the furry buccaneers!
August 3, 2024, 3:50 pm
Arrr, President Biden be fretin’ that the foul deed o’ the assassination be tossin’ the peace parley into the briny deep, but Captain Netanyahu be laughin' in his grog, sayin' that be a load o' barnacles, according to the scallywags in the know!
August 3, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, matey! So says Captain Trump on the social seas of social media, the debate be sunk like a leaky ship after ol' Biden scuttled away! ABC News be left high and dry, no parley for us swabs! Avast, what a fine mess we be in!
August 3, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye! House Armed Services Captain Mike Rogers o' Alabama be sayin' his crew’ll keep diggin' into that scuttled deal with them scallywags what plotted the Sept. 11 mischief. Aye, they won’t be lettin' it rest ‘til the treasure o’ truth be found! Arrr!
August 3, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, the scallywags of Team USA gymnastics be spoutin' mixed tales o' the grub in the Olympic Village! But lo and behold, young Henrik Christiansen, the Norwegian fish wrangler, be singin' sweet praises fer the chocolate muffins, claimin' they be fit fer a captain! Aye!
August 3, 2024, 11:04 am
Avast, me hearties! Less than a month since our fair VP Kamala set sail on her quest for the crown! She be gatherin’ the scallywags o’ the Democratic crew and chartin’ new waters, stretchin’ the map like a flabby sailor after a feast! Arrr!
August 3, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, Mr. Vance be speakin’ with the boldness of a cap’n on a rum-fueled spree! He be sayin’, “Let’s sail into uncharted waters and shatter them stuffy rules, me hearties! We be needin’ to get downright raucous and as wild as a kraken on a bender!”
August 3, 2024, 10:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The crew be hatchin' a scheme to sprinkle some doubloons upon the poor souls from that 1921 kerfuffle and their wee lads and lasses. We'll be studyin' how to mend the wounds of the past with some jolly good treasure! Avast!
August 3, 2024, 5:27 am
Arrr, matey! A scribe ‘tending to the ruckus in Southport, after three wee lads met their doom at a jig, got himself a right whackin’ and plunderin’ from the very folk he be watchin’. Aye, the irony be thick as a fog on the high seas!
August 3, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr, matey! Picture this: a jolly crew of scallywags, chasin' treasure ‘neath the Jolly Roger! With grog in hand and bellies full o' salted fish, we be settin’ sail for adventure, ready to plunder and laugh till our sides ache! Avast, let the rum flow and the shenanigans begin! Yarrr!
August 3, 2024, 4:50 am
Avast, mateys! Fox News Digital parleyed with a couple o' wise sea dogs 'bout the finest grub fer shoring up yer bones! Spoiler alert: It's not just the moo juice ye be needin'! Arrr, feast on the right fare and keep yer skeleton shipshape!
August 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! With Kamala Harris fixin' to reveal her shipmate by Tuesday, the scallywags be scrambling like barnacles on a ship’s hull, flingin' their finest wares and beggin' for a chance to sail alongside her in the great political sea!
August 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! While Trump be stirrin' the pot o' racial squabbles, a hearty crew of landlubbers be sayin', "Nay! Let’s not be frettin' over skin hue!" Aye, 'tis plain as the crow's nest—yer as Black as a raven on a stormy night!
August 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Mayor London Breed be raisin' the sails o' the city, callin' on her crew to hand out writs and temptin' the landlubbers with free passage on the high seas—er, buses! Aye, time to shiver me timbers and bid farewell to the scallywags!
August 3, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast, me hearties! The brave scribe Evan Gershkovich and the valiant Paul Whelan have returned to the fair shores of America! But beware, for their noggins may still be tangled like a sailor's knot from the dark depths of their imprisonment! Arrr, 'tis a right jolly challenge!
August 3, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, matey! The lawman took a bullet whilst heeding a cry for help in Eustis, a port north of Orlando. Two scallywags, dubbed troublemakers by the law, be found pushin’ up daisies in the very house they terrorized! Blimey, what a turn of tides!
August 2, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr! Aye, word be spreadin’ that nine souls met Davy Jones in a ruckus 'twixt the landlubber guards and the fierce protesters, all a’clamorin' over the goldless treasure of Nigeria's poor purse! A right ruckus, it be—seas of trouble over a drought of doubloons!
August 2, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr! A missive from the Mayor of Philly be hintin’ that Governor Josh Shapiro be the fair Kamala Harris’s matey in the upcoming treasure hunt for the White House! Avast, who knew politics be a game of musical chairs on the high seas o' governance?
August 2, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! Bishop Barron be spoutin’ on how the games unite the faithful crew, claimin’ Simone Biles be performin’ with a sprinkle o’ magic! Aye, her flips be so wondrous, even the sea turtles be stoppin’ to gawk! Aye, a right jolly spectacle on the high seas o’ sport!
August 2, 2024, 4:36 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the seabed mining crew be swappin' their captain for a landlubber from the U.N. – reckon they be tired of the ol' buccaneer bein' too chummy with the treasure hunters! Aye, let’s hope this new one knows how to steer a fair course!
August 2, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr! David Plouffe, the crafty scallywag who helmed Obama’s maiden voyage to the throne, now joins the crew o' seasoned sea dogs from both Obama’s galleons and Hillary’s 2016 quest! A right merry band of misfits, they be! Avast, let the fun begin!
August 2, 2024, 4:30 pm
Arrr, matey! Politicians be likin' to brand their foes as landlubbers. But lo! Donald J. Trump be takin' the art of scallywaggin' to a whole new height against that fair lass Kamala Harris! A right jolly sea battle it be, savvy?
August 2, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr! Captain Mike Rogers o' the House Armed Services be settin' sail on an investigation, seekin' to uncover the scallywag dealings 'twixt the Department o' Defense and three rascals from the 9/11 crew. Avast, what manner of treachery be this, mateys?
August 2, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, did that crafty Kamala Harris catch wind o' old Captain Biden's wobbly noggin? Aye, the good folk o' America be jawin’ with Fox News Digital, ponderin’ what the presumptive lass knew ‘bout the ship’s captain's foggy brain! Avast, the seas be rife with intrigue!
August 2, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags eyein’ the VP seat for Kamala had to scuttle their shindigs over the weekend, 'fore the big reveal! Methinks they be more nervous than a landlubber on the high seas! Avast, what a sight to behold!
August 2, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr! A day after chattin' with the Black scribes, ol' Captain Trump declared that Vice President Kamala Harris had chosen to be "a Black lass." Then, he be sharin' a portrait of her decked out in fancy Indian togs! A right jolly mix-up, I say!
August 2, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr, matey! Biles be the third lass to hoist the all-around crown twice in the grand Olympic seas! Aye, she be strutting her stuff like a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, flippin' and twistin' like a true swashbuckler of the gym! Yo ho, what a sight!
August 2, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr matey! A gatherin' for the fair Kamala be dubbed with a curious moniker, a squabble o' tongues amongst the Latin chieftains, and a rift among Olympic shipmates! Aye, this be the jolly Fox News Digital News Quiz, full o' mirth and mischief!
August 2, 2024, 4:46 am
Avast, ye scallywags! Aye, a fleet of 16 mighty Princess vessels docked with a grand feast, claimin’ the title for the biggest pizza bash ever! From bow to stern, they munched and laughed, makin’ the salty sea jealous of their cheesy delight! Yo ho, pizza be the treasure!
August 2, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! In the seven sunsets since Captain Biden dropped anchor as the Democratic pick, the fair lass Harris be fillin' her treasure chest with a mighty haul of $200 million doubloons! Aye, that be a splendid bounty for a lass ready to set sail!
August 2, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the vice captain o' this ship be sportin’ a fine chance to strut her stuff before the good folk of America once more, wieldin’ wisdom from her last voyage! Let’s see if she can navigate these treacherous waters to the crown, savvy?
August 2, 2024, 2:58 am
Arrr, the parley that freed our landlubber mates from Davy Jones' clutches be a fine dance of cunning and endurance! With a sprinkle o' wit, both crews got their treasures, like a jolly swap o' doubloons—'tis a right merry deal indeed! Avast, success be sweet!
August 2, 2024, 2:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! A Biden matey be callin’ this tricky prisoner trade a fine example o' “vintage Joe Biden” charm. As he welcomed back the freed souls, the captain be lookin’ to show all hands what that really be meanin’! Yarr, diplomacy with a twist!
August 1, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, the prosecutors be sayin' that scallywag Paul J. DeCologero stood watch like a ol’ crow in 2018 while a fearsome crew gave a proper thrashin' to a Boston brigand! Aye, he be a lookout, not a hero, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast, me hearties! Governor Josh Shapiro be missin’ the jolly good fund-raisers in the Hamptons this weekend, as he be ponderin' a shiny new title as First Mate to the Captain of the Nation! Aye, the seas of politics be treacherous, but the doubloons still call!
August 1, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, matey! Imane Khelif of the Algerian crew, once thought a lad, did square off against the fair Angela Carini from Italy in a ruckus of fisticuffs on the sixth day o' the Paris Games. A right jolly brawl it be, I say!
August 1, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, Mathew Bowyer, a scallywag from Southern California, found himself in a pickle! The landlubbers sniffed about, discoverin' his gambler matey was none other than the tongue-twistin' translator for the grand baseball chap, Shohei Ohtani! What a tangled web of mischief, I say!
August 1, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys! After 16 moons trapped in a Russian brig, Evan Gershkovich be freed on the morrow in a grand ol’ prisoner trade, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the days of yore! 'Twas a clever trick by Captain Biden and his merry crew!
August 1, 2024, 5:28 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Jim Jordan be snoopin’ ‘round the judge’s lass who ruled over Trump’s trial, spyin’ on her past parley with Vice President Kamala Harris. Aye, the winds of scandal be blowin’! Fox News be spillin’ the beans on this merry mischief! Arrr!
August 1, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr! A scallywag scribe from the Washington Post be takin' a jibe at them Christians, all ruffled-like over the "Last Supper" shindig at the Paris games! Blimey! Can’t they take a jest? Even pirates know a good laugh when they see one!
August 1, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, on the jolly ol’ “Still The Place” podcast, Grant Show spun a yarn 'bout the "creepy" love affair betwixt his character and Jennie Garth’s in that treasure of a show, "Beverly Hills, 90210." Aye, even the sea be laughin' at such a scallywag romance!
August 1, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Senate scallywags be settin' sail on a delay, puttin' off the treasure hunt for the Homeland Security loot, to jabber more 'bout the Secret Service's shiny doubloons! Avast, more talkin’ than plunderin’, I say!
August 1, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, just a day ere the dread officer unleashed his pistol upon her lass, Donna Massey be chattin' with the dispatchin' scallywag, claimin' her noggin be all muddled. She begged ‘em, “Nay send the ruffians, I be needin’ no brawlin’ buccaneers!” Aye, what a tale o’ woe!
August 1, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! The fanciful gadgets meant to guard the old captain fell flat 'cause they were manhandled like a drunken sailor, or the Secret Service be too busy swabbin’ the deck to give ‘em a whirl! Aye, what a jolly mess it be!
August 1, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Senate be plottin' to give the Supreme Court a right proper shake-up, tryin' to match them Trumpy judges! The head buccaneer o' the Senate be sayin' it's time to hoist the sails and chart a new course, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, matey! Thirst be but one parleyin' sign o’ a dry throat! In this here "Ask the Doc" tale, yer seafarin' healers be spillin' the beans on five cheeky clues that ye be parched like a desert isle! So keep yer tank full, or ye might turn into a salty sea sponge!
August 1, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast, matey! Feast yer eyes on the tales ye must know, sent straight to yer inbox at the crack of dawn! With the mightiest name in news at yer helm, ye won’t be missin’ a single treasure of gossip! Arrr, start yer day with a jolly good yarn!
August 1, 2024, 5:32 am
Arrr, matey! Mohammad Deif, the scallywag dubbed the ‘Osama Bin Laden of Gaza,’ be the cunning captain who plotted the grand raid on Israel last October 7th! Aye, a right ruckus he stirred up, makin' waves like a stormy sea! What a jolly ol' mischief-maker!
August 1, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Governor Josh Shapiro of Penn's woods, a keen-eyed Jew, be a fine treasure fer the Dems! But beware, mateys, fer some landlubbers be fretin' 'bout stirrin' up a tempest with them pro-Palestinian scallywags. A fine catch or a mutiny awaits!
August 1, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of white supremacy be parading in Nashville like they own the seven seas! The fine folk be ponderin' how to swab the decks of hateful words without bein’ keelhauled by the First Amendment. A right pickle, I tell ye! Blimey, what a rum situation!
July 31, 2024, 10:40 pm
Arrr, the crew o' America PAC be in a right pickle, trying to rig their sails to sway landlubbers fer that scallywag Trump! They be flounderin' about, like a fish outta water, tryin’ to rally the mob to hoist the flag for their captain! Har har!
July 31, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, after a ruckus of a parley on the high seas of Wednesday, Captain Trump took to his Truth Social vessel, shoutin' to his crew of scallywags 'bout the grand ol' showdown! Aye, 'tis a tale fit for a barrel o' grog and a hearty laugh!
July 31, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, Emily Delleman, a swashbucklin' Olympian in the city o' love, be tryin' to plunder some romance! But alas, even with Tinder reloaded like cannonballs, she's found herself with naught but empty treasure chests! Aye, love be a fickle wind, me hearties!
July 31, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, three scallywags be caught hatchin' a dark scheme on the fateful day of September the eleventh! But lo and behold, they've struck a deal with the devil, escapin' the noose and shiverin' timbers of the gallows. Aye, savvy dealin' for those sea-dogs!
July 31, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, matey! Nicolae Miu, aged 54 tides, be takin' a trip to Davy Jones’ locker fer sendin' a lad of 17 to the great beyond and givin’ four others a right good whack on a Wisconsin river! The law be catchin' up with him, savvy?
July 31, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr! With a grace like a swan on the high seas, her quiet charm be wrapped ’round Colin Powell’s heart, steerin’ him clear o’ the treacherous waters of the presidential race in ’96! Aye, she be the true captain of that ship, savvy?
July 31, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, matey! A mighty deluge lashed the land, sendin' homes to Davy Jones' locker! Dozens o' fine abodes be battered and bruised, as the officials be squawkin' like a parrot with too much rum! What a jolly mess we’ve made, eh?
July 31, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, matey! The Trump and Harris crews be clashin' on the high seas of X after the old captain's fiery NABJ showin', and lo! The GOP's scallywag, JD Vance, joined the ruckus. A right spectacle, me hearties!
July 31, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! These scallywags be spoutin' tall tales, claimin' the Democrats or some foul government crew be behind the shootin’, all to get at our Captain Trump! Aye, it be naught but a load of barnacle-covered bilge! Hoist the anchor of common sense!
July 31, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr! A curious moving shadow be spotted atop the roof, right before the cannons went bang! 'Twas a clip from James Copenhaver, one o' the scallywags caught in the crossfire during the treacherous July 13 plot against the ol' captain Trump. Aye, the seas be gettin' wild!
July 31, 2024, 11:39 am
Ahoy mateys! OneBlood be hoistin' the Jolly Roger for help, fer a dastardly ransomware scallywag has plundered their supply o’ red elixir in the southeast seas! So grab yer cutlasses and roll up yer sleeves, we be needin’ ye to spill some crimson treasure! Arrr!
July 31, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, matey! Juan Williams, the savvy sea dog o’ Fox News, be settin’ sail with a tome in January 2025, titled "New Prize for these Eyes." 'Tis about a "second" civil rights squall in the good ol' U.S. of A! The scallywags at Fox News be chattin’ with him!
July 31, 2024, 11:35 am
Aye, matey! A bobbin' barrier on the Rio Grande be stayin' put fer the time bein', keepin' those landlubbers from sailin' into Texas, 'til the court has its say in August. Yarrr, justice be a slow ship, but it’ll sail nonetheless!
July 31, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, gather 'round, ye scallywags! Kamala, the spirited lass, faced a right jolly crew today, speakin' of the treacherous race ahead. With a wink o' mischief, she vowed to claim a treasure state that had folks shivering in their boots! Avast, victory be on the horizon!
July 31, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, matey! The questionin’ be callin’ the attorney general’s reply a right mess, like a ship in a storm! It be jabberin’ about that scallywag Trump takin’ a stroll through Lafayette Park for a snap at a church, lookin’ more lost than a parrot with no perch!
July 31, 2024, 5:16 am
Avast, me hearties! The grand poobah of Iran, Ali Khamenei, be declaimin’ it’s the landlubber's duty to seek vengeance for the fall of that Hamas scallywag, Ismail Haniyeh, who met his fate in Tehran! Arrr, the seas be a-tumblin' with the promise of revenge, savvy?
July 31, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr, matey! Those summer sniffles be like a pesky kraken, tryin' to ruin our sun-soaked shenanigans! But fret not, for there be tricks aplenty to send those allergies to Davy Jones’ locker and keep our merry times afloat! Avast, let the good times roll!
July 31, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the Democrats be flappin' their sails, but keepin' the wind at their backs be the real trick! “How long till the love boat sinks?” quoth a Republican seafarer. “No soul knows, matey!”
July 31, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the Republicans be pointin' their bony fingers at Vice President Kamala Harris, claimin' she’s the reason for the flood o' scallywags seekin' refuge in the Americas! But lo and behold, a closer look reveals a tale more tangled than a ship’s riggin’!
July 31, 2024, 3:50 am
Arrr, matey! Stephen Richer, the scribe o’ Maricopa County, be catchin’ a storm o’ scorn from the Republican crew fer standin’ tall fer the fair winds o’ voting! He be battlin’ the scallywags spreadin’ tall tales ‘bout the 2020 treasure hunt! Aye, what a ruckus ‘tis!
July 30, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, matey! The ruckus in Southport be risin’ like a tempest, after wee scallywags met their doom at a jiggin’ frolic, all thanks to a young brigand of 17 on lock-up! The lawmen be clashin’ with the townsfolk like roosters in a coop! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
July 30, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr! The Los Angeles Dodgers be plunderin’ the Detroit Tigers for a right-handed cannon named Jack Flaherty, just in time fer the trade deadline shenanigans! A right grand hullabaloo, I say! May the winds be at their backs as they sail to victory! Har har!
July 30, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, matey! President Biden be settin’ sail to overhaul the high court, sayin’ term limits and ethics be needed! Legal seafarers be spoutin’ it’s a troublesome tide he’s chartin’. Avast, who knew politics be as murky as Davy Jones' locker!
July 30, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, the city's captains be molded from treasure, a motley crew of folk, and a hearty dose o' treachery! Aye, 'tis a right ruckus of riches and rascals, where gold be sweet and backstabbin' be the sport of choice! Avast, matey, what a scallywag’s paradise!
July 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr! That blaze, which be roarin’ since last Wednesday, be a right monstrous inferno! It be the grandest fire this side of Davy Jones' locker! Aye, we be roastin’ marshmallows and singin’ sea shanties 'round it like it’s the finest treasure on the seven seas!
July 30, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Ronald Rowe Jr. be sayin’ that the Secret Service and them landlubber law keepers couldn’t get their squawkin’ straight, lettin’ a ruckus fly at the former Captain of the Ship of State, Donald Trump, on the thirteenth day of July! What a fine mess o’ scallywags!
July 30, 2024, 11:42 am
Ahoy, mateys! In the second season o' "American Dynasty," we be chartin' the fortunes o' highborn families, includin' the scallywags behind Mars, Anheuser-Busch, and Harley-Davidson! Aye, it be a treasure trove o' riches and mischief, fit for any swashbuckler's eye! Yarrr!
July 30, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr! A motley crew of 50 landlubber lawmakers be demandin’ that Captain Biden swab the decks and heed the judge's decree! They be wantin’ him to hoist the sails on them LNG export permits swift-like, or risk a mutiny on the high seas of politics!
July 30, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! Reihan Salam, a matey of the CNN crew, be callin’ on the landlubber scribes to hoist their quills and fire tough queries at Vice President Harris for her fancy “left-wing” ways! Let the ink fly, and may the questions be as sharp as a cutlass!
July 30, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! The former captain of the ship, Trump, had his first mate, Sen. JD Vance, whisperin’ to the treasure hunters that Vice President Kamala be a "peculiar beast" to wrangle in this here campaign! Aye, she's a tricky one, that lass!
July 30, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, matey! The swashbucklin’ ex-captain o’ the land, in a chinwag with Fox News, wouldn’t budge an inch! He boldly declared that if he be elected, “the ship o’ state be fixed,” and ye scallywags' votes be as useless as a barnacle on a treasure chest!
July 30, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr, matey! In a tale of woe, hundreds o' Vietnamese souls met Davy Jones thanks to American cannons, yet only Lieutenant Calley faced the hangman’s noose. 'Tis like a parrot squawkin' that only one matey be guilty while the whole crew be drinkin' rum! Savvy?
July 30, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, matey! Carville be squawkin’ like a parrot on a barrel, sayin’ them pesky Republicans be cookin’ up a scheme to sink Harris’ good name! Democrats best not be lettin’ their guard down, lest they find themselves walkin’ the plank! Aye, it be a treacherous sea out there!
July 30, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! Critics be squawkin’ that Captain Biden be settin' sail fer radical waters, tryin' to please the rowdy Democrats, when his crew once claimed to be a bunch o' moderate seadogs! Aye, the tides be turnin’ on this ol’ ship!
July 30, 2024, 5:09 am
Ahoy, matey! Meet Bullwinkle, a ten-year-old steed o' the rare Banker breed! Only 200 of his kind be wanderin' the Outer Banks, descendin' from them fancy Spanish horses. Aye, he be more noble than a parrot in a treasure chest, arrr!
July 30, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrr! A merry gathering o' 60,000 scallywags callin' themselves "White Dudes for Harris" be showin' the wide seas o' support fer her quest! Aye, the party be learnin' to poke fun at its own barnacles, havin' a jolly ol' time on the high seas o' politics!
July 30, 2024, 4:49 am
Arrr, matey! This here tale be showin’ on the magic box in six squabblin’ lands, as the ex-captain seeks to hoist the immigration flag, long before that scallywag Kamala climbed the ranks o’ the Democrats. Aye, the seas be murky indeed!
July 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! Before our lass Kari Lake can square off against that scallywag Rep. Ruben Gallego fer the Senate booty, she be needin' to best her fellow Republicans first! And mark me words, two House duels be brewin' in the autumn seas, sure to be a raucous clash of cutthroats!
July 29, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag from Texas, waitin' fer his day in court fer slayin' two souls, met his maker last week. Aye, 'twas the DNA magic that linked him to the ghostly case! The Abilene crew be spillin' the beans on this treacherous tale!
July 29, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! Governor Cooper of North Carolina be one of the fine scallywags eyein’ the Democratic ship, but lo! He vanished like a ghost ship! No clue why he jumped overboard, but perhaps he found a treasure map instead! Har har!
July 29, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, matey! VP Harris be stirrin' the cauldron, likenin' ICE to the scallywag KKK and their agents to landlubbin' slavers! Blimey, she’s takin' the fight to the high seas of rhetoric—better hoist the sails o' common sense before we be lost at sea!
July 29, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, President Biden be settin' sail on a grand adventure, callin' fer Congress to hoist the Jolly Roger on the Supreme Court! He be wishin' fer term limits and a new code o' conduct, as if they be a crew o' scallywags! Avast, what a ruckus! 🍻
July 29, 2024, 5:05 pm
Arrr, the presidential scallywags be spoutin' naught but bilge about the treasure chest o' debt! As the red ink flows like a cursed sea, they be offerin' fewer ideas than a parrot with a sore throat! Har har, savvy?
July 29, 2024, 4:47 pm
"Arrr, these scallywags be downright peculiar!" bellowed Governor Tim Walz, a landlubber once wranglin' young'uns in a schoolhouse. "Methinks they’ve sailed a bit too close to the sunken treasures of oddity!"
July 29, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr matey! Jagger Eaton and Nyjah Huston, them scallywags of the skate deck, snagged silver and bronze doubloons in the grand Paris games! Aye, they be ridin' the wooden boards like true buccaneers, makin' waves and takin' names! Avast, what a sight to behold!
July 29, 2024, 11:51 am
Avast, me hearties! Guardin' yer skin from the sun’s fiery cannonball be most crucial in the scorchin' months! Here be a few jolly tips to fend off that nasty sunburn, or at least how to soothe yer burnt hide when ye forget! Arrr!
July 29, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! A landlubber from California, once a target o' a scallywag's brutal deed in 2008, be settin' sail to jabber about Vice President Kamala Harris' time as the law’s own buccaneer. Aye, the seas be stormy, and so be her record!
July 29, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, matey! The F.B.I. spun a grand tale of the scallywag, who, like a crafty sea serpent, hid over two dozen shiny cannons and powder kegs under false names! Aye, the rogue be better at concealment than a treasure map in Davy Jones' locker!
July 29, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr matey! Snag yer tales o' the day from the mightiest voice in news, delivered to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Be the first to know, lest ye be walkin' the plank o' ignorance! Avast, don't be a scallywag—sign up now!
July 29, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, mateys! President Biden be shoutin' from the crow's nest fer term limits fer them Sea Dogs o' the Supreme Court, a proper code o' conduct, and a few chains fer presidential immunity! Aye, he be settin' sail on a new course this fine Monday mornin'!
July 29, 2024, 4:30 am
Avast, matey! The American Culture Quiz be a jolly challenge of ye national quirks and happenings! Steady yer course this week with questions 'bout VPs, the silver screen swabs, and the grand game of baseball. Give it a go, or ye be walkin' the plank of ignorance! Arrr!
July 29, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, matey! In his first grand show since tossin’ his hat overboard, Captain Biden be fixin’ to swab the decks of a court that’s as crooked as a three-headed sea serpent, riddled with scallywags and grumblin’ about ethics! A jolly good laugh, it be!
July 29, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, matey! The Democrats be fixin’ to crown Kamala Harris as their queen o’ the campaign this week! She be settin’ her sights on pickin’ a trusty mate while takin’ jabs at that scallywag Trump and the landlubber Vance, who be sailin’ the campaign seas!
July 29, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, mateys! Many a scallywag who skedaddled from the fiery inferno of California be hopin' their ships—err, houses—still be afloat! Meanwhile, others be scratchin' their noggins, findin' their homes and barns turned to crispy critters by the devil's fire! Blimey, what a hullabaloo!
July 29, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, matey! Critics be squawkin' like parched gulls, claimin' the court's immunity ruling be as crooked as a three-legged crab! They say it be sailin' on the same treacherous waters that sunk Roe's ship—what once granted fair ladies the right to choose! Aye, the seas be rough, indeed!
July 29, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, when be the finest hour to gift yer wee buccaneer a shiny smartphone? The wise sea dogs, Dr. Joshua Stein and Titania Jordan, be here to steer ye through the stormy seas of parenting choices! Hoist the sails and make the best call for yer crew!
July 29, 2024, 3:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! Valerie McGregor from Plum, Pennsylvania, a loyal matey of the Trump ship, be squawkin’ ‘bout her wild ride at the Butler shindig. She be reckonin’ the Secret Service captain oughta have jumped ship long ‘fore she tossed her hat! Aye, what a hullabaloo! 🏴☠️
July 29, 2024, 3:28 am
Ahoy, mateys! The seafood captains o' America be hoistin' the Jolly Roger 'gainst them landlubber Democrats tryin' to resurrect the cursed Chevron doctrine! Fishermen be claimin’ it be a scallywag's plot to sink their treasure. Arrr, let not the fishin’ nets be doomed, I say!
July 28, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, after Captain Biden tossed his hat overboard, matey Dave McCormick, the Republican scallywag, be sailin' 'round a gas pad like it be treasure! Aye, 'tis a sight, a landlubber tourin' the black gold while the seas be churnin'! Har har!
July 28, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, when Captain Trump be settin' sail to charm a crew not of his own, ye best be ready for a tempest of awkwardness! It be like a landlubber tryin' to dance a jig on a rolling ship—chaos and belly laughs abound, matey!
July 28, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, the U.S. Secret Service be squawkin’ like a parrot, sayin’ they be needin’ a better spyglass! They’re all a-fluster 'bout their chatter bein’ as silent as a ghost ship 'fore, ‘durin’, and ‘after the scallywag’s attempted keel-haulin’! What a jolly mess, matey!
July 28, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, matey! Arizona's own Sen. Mark Kelly sailed the stars as an astronaut, then fancied himself a balloon captain for space frolics. But lo! That dream turned into a nosy lookout service. Blimey, from space to spying—talk about a twisty treasure map!
July 28, 2024, 4:56 pm
Arrr, matey! ‘Tis been scuttled that some landlubber lawmen had their eyes on ol' Thomas Crooks long afore we thought! Aye, and he be knowin’ they were lurkin’ too! A fine game of cat 'n' mouse, it be! Avast, what a jolly ruckus!
July 28, 2024, 4:55 pm
Arrr, in but a dozen sunrises since Ohio’s wee senator was crowned the heir to Trump’s treasure, his past jests have been flung back at him like cannonballs, sinkin’ any air of untouchability! Aye, the scallywags be laughin’ like a parrot with a belly full of rum!
July 28, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr! A scallywag on Reddit be seekin' aid in quelling a squabble with his cabin mate, who be castin' shade on his cookin' skills and taste in grub. A wise old sea doctor chimed in, I reckon to lend a parley on the matter! Savvy?
July 28, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, matey! The betting seas be growin' choppy as Vice President Kamala and the old sea dog Trump be battlin' for the treasure o' the 2024 crown! With Captain Biden steerin' clear, it's a right jolly squabble on the horizon, I tell ye!
July 28, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, matey! A salty swab from the SWAT crew at the former captain Trump's July shindig be bellowin’ that there be "nary a word" exchanged 'twixt their band and the Secret Service scallywags! A right jolly mess, I say! Avast, who be steering this ship?
July 28, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, matey! Florida's Captain DeSantis be callin' the scallywags o' the media out, sayin' they're tryin' to polish the ol’ anchor that be Kamala Harris, now that Biden's ship be sinkin' from the 2024 race! A right jolly jest, I say!
July 28, 2024, 8:29 am
Arrr! A stretch o' I-15 near Baker, California, be free again after a fiery beast o' a truck, loaded with those shiny lithium treasures, went up in flames! Traffic be stuck fer hours, bakin’ in the sun like a fish on a hot deck! Avast, what a sight!
July 28, 2024, 8:07 am
Arrr, mateys! A gavel-wieldin’ judge has tossed Spencer Gear into the brig for threatenin’ the district scribe and the captain of justice, right after Trump’s sails were clipped in that hush-money squabble. Aye, the seas be rough when ye’re handin’ out threats like doubloons!
July 28, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, fer Pastor Işık Abla o' Virginia, Psalm 145 be a treasure map, sayin' "the hand o' the Lord fills our bellies; he be answerin' all our pleas." She spun a yarn 'bout her faith like a true sea dog! Aye, what a tale!
July 28, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, matey! That fiery beast be the grandest blaze in all the land, and on Saturday's eve, 'twas but a measly 10 percent tamed! Aye, it be settin’ sail fer weeks more, burnin' bright like a pirate’s treasure! Fire in me belly, I say!
July 28, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the GOP be shoutin' for Captain Schumer to hoist the sails on the SAVE Act! They fear the landlubbers might be castin' votes without a proper sea chest of citizenship! Avast, let’s keep the cannons of democracy primed and ready!
July 28, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! In the grand treasure hunt at the City of David, we be diggin’ up the past like a bunch o' scallywags, lookin' to unfurl the tales of old and the holy scrolls of yore! Aye, it's history plunderin’ at its finest!
July 28, 2024, 4:15 am
Arrr, matey! Timothy Mellon, a treasure-savin' ghost, be throwin' piles o' gold to hoist Donald J. Trump atop the throne! What be he seekin' in return, ye ask? Aye, that be a riddle as puzzlin' as a three-headed sea serpent!
July 28, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, the vice president be ponderin’ a crew of scallywags who once donned the cap of state attorney general! Their past shenanigans might just steer her ship o' decisions in the days to come. Avast, let the jolly rum flow as she charts her course!
July 28, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Some scallywags be cheerin’ for Kamala to hoist the sails as the first Asian American captain o' the ship! But alas, she ain't known for her Asian roots, showin’ the tangled web of identities we pirates be navigatin'! Aye, 'tis a jest indeed!
July 27, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Gov. Tim Walz be throwin’ barbs at Trump an’ his scallywag mate, JD Vance, at a shindig in St. Cloud, Minn. Just 'fore the pair o’ landlubbers be settin’ sail fer their own campaign frolic! Aye, the seas be stormy with jests!
July 27, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, in Butte County, ye scallywags be defyin' the captain's orders to skedaddle, all fer the sake of guardin' their treasure from the fiery beast that be ravagin' the land! Talk about puttin' yer booty on the line, mateys! Fire be no match fer a true landlubber's loyalty!
July 27, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr, matey! Firerose, the lass who once sailed with Billy Ray Cyrus, be spillin' the beans on the seas of social media after the ruckus of him shoutin' like a scallywag! Aye, the tides of gossip be turnin’ quick, like a parrot on a sugar rush!
July 27, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr, at the grand shindig, where coins o' fortune overflowed like a mighty treasure chest, Vice President Kamala Harris unleashed a tongue sharper than a cutlass on that scallywag Donald J. Trump and his matey JD Vance! Aye, 'twas a right jolly affair!
July 27, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, the scallywag Trump, once captain o' the White House, be callin’ Vice President Harris’ parley with that Netanyahu chap a right terrible insult! Aye, ‘tis like a landlubber insultin’ a fine ship, matey! Ha! What a hullabaloo on the high seas of politics!
July 27, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, matey! Even if the Hispanic chieftains and rights buccaneers be clashin’ swords with the Biden ship over border storms, they still hoist the sails for the vice captain! Aye, it be a right curious alliance on this treacherous sea of politics! Aye, matey!
July 27, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! With the watchful eyes on the U.S. Secret Service and tales of scallywags lookin' to imitate, ye can bet yer doubloons there be mighty fortifications at Trump’s shindig in Harrisburg! Keep yer cutlasses sharp and yer wits sharper, lest ye find yerself in Davy Jones’ locker!
July 27, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, matey! The measles be runnin' rampant like a scallywag on a treasure hunt, three times the mischief of 2023! And with five moons still breathin' down our necks, the stats from the Centers of Disease Control be shoutin' louder than a parrot on a rum spree!
July 27, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr! A scallywag candidate fer the treasure o' Pennsylvania be callin' Gov. Josh Shapiro a rascally sexist, claimin' he be shovelin' dirt on a scandal o' the lecherous sort, all wrapped up in a sneaky squawk on the social seas! Aye, the winds be blowin' spicy!
July 27, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, the scallywags o’ the Department o’ Justice be coughin’ up a treasure o’ $2 million to them two landlubbers, Strzok and Page! They be claimin’ their privacy be plundered, and now they sail away with a chest o’ doubloons, laughin' all the way to the tavern!
July 27, 2024, 9:33 am
Arrr, matey! Donald Trump, bellyachin' 'bout them holy folk not raisin' their sails to vote, be plead'n for the pious crew to hoist their flags fer him “just this once.” Aye, let’s hope the good ship Religion sets sail, or he’ll be walkin’ the plank of politics!
July 27, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr, me hearties! A federal judge be swingin’ a mighty cutlass, givin’ a final whack to Florida's "Stop Woke Act," tryin’ to toss critical race theory overboard in private dens! Now the landlubbers can’t be kept in the dark, savvy?
July 27, 2024, 4:50 am
Arrr, whether ye fancy quenching yer thirst with plain ol' water or not, savvy nutrition buccaneers be shoutin’ that four fine victuals be the treasure for keepin’ yer body shipshape on those swelterin’ summer days! Drink up, me hearties, or risk bein' a parched landlubber!
July 27, 2024, 4:37 am
Arrr, matey! China sailed away with the shiny gold doubloon from the Paris Games, bestin’ South Korea in the 10-meter air rifle showdown! And what be that? Kazakhstan snagged the bronze! A jolly good shootin' it was, ye scallywags!
July 27, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! A swashbucklin’ mate from Yale be spillin’ the beans to The Times, swearin’ to the depths o’ Davy Jones with 90 missives to Cap'n Vance. Behold, the jolliest gems o’ their parley, fit to tickle a pirate’s funny bone!
July 27, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! Andy Beshear, the scallywag governor of a crimson-hued state, be a curious Southern matey eyeing the fine title o’ Kamala Harris's first mate! He be already settin' sail to chase after that JD Vance landlubber! Aye, what a merry chase it be!
July 27, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, matey! Though young Vance and a lass of the changing tides saw the world through different spyglasses, they built a mighty camaraderie over ten long years. But lo! The winds of change blew, and our good Mr. Vance took a wild turn, both in heart and mind!
July 27, 2024, 2:54 am
Arrr, matey! In the wild lands of California, the foul Park fire be scorchin’ over 307,000 acres, makin’ it the mightiest blaze this year! Meanwhile, the Durkee fire in Oregon be gobblin’ up 288,000 acres—blazes like these be needin’ a hearty parley, I say!
July 26, 2024, 7:33 pm
Arrr! The tale spun by the bureau's captain be the clearest yet! Earlier, he fancied the old president took a hit from cannonball scraps, causin' a ruckus fit to shatter the seven seas! Aye, a right merry squall it be!
July 26, 2024, 7:30 pm
Arrr! The ex-captain and his fair lass be hollerin' their support like landlubber folks in a sappy tale, yakkin' to their wee scallywag at a summer shore camp! Aye, ‘tis a right laugh, like treasure 'n tales spun on a stormy night!
July 26, 2024, 7:24 pm
Arrr! That scallywag Laura Ingraham be givin' the Vice President Kamala a right good thrashin' fer tryin' to meld with her surroundings like a chameleon on grog! She called her a “lefty landlubber,” but I reckon she be just tryin’ to avoid the spotlight, savvy? Ha!
July 26, 2024, 7:02 pm
Arrr, matey! Peter Strzok, a rogue of the F.B.I. crew, and Lisa Page, a landlubber lawyer, be shoutin' foul! They claim the Trump ship breached their privacy, spillin' their scandalous missives to the crows o' the news! A right ruckus on the high seas of politics, I say!
July 26, 2024, 6:58 pm
Avast, me hearties! Young Sajjad Sehen, a fine judo swashbuckler from Iraq, sailed home early from the Olympics, caught red-handed with a stash o' two naughty potions! Aye, those anabolic steroids be no treasure for the Games! Har har, now he be walkin' the plank of shame!
July 26, 2024, 6:44 pm
Arrr, the second mate be showin' sympathy for them scallywags in Palestine, tryin' to make a name for herself as the captain of her crew. Aye, she be tryin' to steer the ship in a new direction, savvy?
July 26, 2024, 6:40 pm
Arr matey, this 'ere Arizona sailin' senator be not just any landlubber. 'E be a Navy veteran and a former sky sailor! But what be most impressin' be 'is knowledge of the Southern border, a treasure worth more'n gold doubloons! Arr!
July 26, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr! The capture of Ismael Zambada García, who hath danced around the clutches of the authorities for ages, at a wee airport near El Paso doth seem like a yarn of trickery and treachery! Oh, the sea be full of surprises, me hearties!
July 26, 2024, 6:37 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be squawkin' about a bunch o' blokes dressed to the nines like lasses at a fancy feast! They be callin' it a travesty, but I say, let them have their fun! It be just a bit o' harmless piratin' on land.
July 26, 2024, 6:34 pm
Arrr mateys, them scurvy U.S. forces be makin' a spectacle in the Middle East! They be smashin' six Iran-backed Houthi drones in Yemen and tusslin' with three unmanned vessels off the coast. Aye, the seas be a wild place indeed!
July 26, 2024, 6:24 pm
Arrr mateys, the King's agents be lookin' into whether the scallywags at Boar's Head be slicin' up tainted meat that be sendin' poor souls to Davy Jones' locker with the dreaded listeriosis! Two souls lost, aye, 'tis a serious matter for us landlubbers!
June 19, 2024, 5:47 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Jake Paul be boastin' that his time in the ring be half spent, reckonin' he'll be a world champ in four short years. Aye, he be dreamin' big, that lad! Let's see if he be talkin' the talk or walkin' the plank! Arrr!
June 19, 2024, 5:37 am
Arr mateys! The NIH-funded trial be sayin' that service dogs be helpin' our brave military veterans with their PTSD! Aye, the lead scallywag and a Marine lad be chattin' about it. 'Tis a fine discovery, me hearties! Aye aye!
June 19, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the court be makin' a decision that be like takin' the wind out of President Biden's sails when it comes to restrictin' gun trinkets that make them shoot faster than a cannonball from a pirate ship! Aye matey, 'tis a blow to his plans, it be!
June 19, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the blunder of the Massachusetts 911 system be akin to a ship lost at sea without a compass! 'Tis a reminder that our emergency network be in dire need of an upgrade. Avast ye, lest we be stranded in troubled waters!
June 19, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Northeast be feelin' the burn of the heat wave that be roasting the Midwest! Ye may want to seek shade or jump in the nearest body o' water to escape the scorching sun, lest ye be turnin' into a lobster on land! Aye!
June 19, 2024, 2:02 am
Avast ye mateys! The Biden administration be speakin' of federal dams causin' mischief in the Columbia River Basin, harmin' local villages. They be promisin' to bring back them native fish to the waters. Aye, let's hope they be successful in their quest!
June 18, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, a scallywag judge be tellin' Iowa they can't be sendin' off them illegal immigrants! 'Tis like tellin' a pirate he can't be plunderin' the high seas. Unconstitutional, they say! What next, no more walkin' the plank? Blimey!
June 18, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr matey, when ye be headin' to the beach, make sure to bring plenty o' games to keep ye crew entertained! Spikeball, UNO, cornhole and more be perfect for a jolly day of fun in the sand, arrr!
June 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the rum-soaked brawl in Virginia’s 10th House district be settin' sail to end the ugliest scuffle of the 2024 primary season, only to spy an unexpected battle on the horizon for the general election. Avast ye, 'tis a wild ride ahead!
June 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr matey, the new decree be a mighty deed to safeguard our fellow shipmates from foreign lands! 'Tis a boon for 500,000 souls who've made their home in these American waters for many a moon. Aye, a bold move indeed!
June 18, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, me hearties be blamin' the American Rescue Plan fer makin' prices soar like a parrot on a plunderin' spree! But me thinks it be keepin' the captain of this ship in good favor, while them European scallywags be walkin' the plank of unpopularity!
June 17, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, the Justice Department be takin' the state to court o'er a law made by them scallywag Republicans! They be wantin' to make it a crime for certain immigrants to be walkin' the plank on state soil. Aye, 'tis a fine mess they've gotten themselves into!
June 17, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast ye mateys! A scallywag from McDonald's in Florida hath been caught firing shots at landlubbers o'er a quarrel o'er grub. Ye best be watchin' yer back when ye order a Big Mac, lest ye end up walkin' the plank! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A Nashville judge be ponderin' whether the scallywag's scribblings be shared with the masses. We be awaitin' her decree with bated breath, hopin' for a jolly good read! Aye, the anticipation be killin' us!
June 17, 2024, 5:16 pm
Arr matey! Sean McKinnon, accused of plottin' to off the aging mobster in the brig, confessed to lyin' to the scallywag investigators and was sent off with time already served. Ye best be keepin' yer lies straight or ye'll end up walkin' the plank next! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr mateys, th' Mayor of New York City, Eric Adams, be backin' th' Gov'rnor's decree o' makin' all scallywags wear masks t' prevent trouble at protests 'n th' subway. Aye, 'tis a strange way t' fight crime, but who be I t' question th' cap'ns in charge?
June 17, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, me hearties be in a right pickle! Some say he be the 45th president, others claim he be the 47th. I reckon he be more like the 0th president, aye, a real scallywag in the White House!
June 17, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr, mates! The scallywags in Massachusetts be tellin' tales of a wee plane crashin' in the Merrimack River! A lone pilot was aboard the vessel, fightin' the waves like a true pirate of the skies. Mayhaps he be searchin' for buried treasure!
June 17, 2024, 4:56 pm
Avast ye mateys! Two lads be caught in Florida, kickin' in doors like scallywags! 'Tis all for the sake of some social media prank! The Sheriff be on their trail, ready to make 'em walk the plank! Aye, the folly of youth!
June 17, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Rep. Katie Porter be tellin' tales o' tryin' t' get scallywags on board fer an ethics bill, only t' have 'em swayed by the White House while she be sailin' through the skies. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea o' politics indeed!
June 17, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, the Russian President Putin be sailin' to meet with the North Korean scallywag Kim Jong Un on Tuesday, joinin' forces to give the blasted United States a run for their doubloons! May the winds of mischief be at their backs on this treacherous voyage.
June 17, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Seattle Police Department be recruitin' young scallywags who be part of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals policy. Aye, 'tis a fine opportunity for these landlubbers to join the crew and help keep the seas safe!
June 17, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr! The scallywag Armie Hammer be finally speakin' out about the accusations of eatin' his mates in a latest podcast yarn. Methinks his reputation be sunk deeper than Davy Jones' locker! Aye, a pirate's life be full of surprises indeed!
June 17, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr mateys, ye hear the news? The land lubbers be givin' the green light to smoke the devil's lettuce for fun in the year of our Lord 2022! And they be forgivin' past sins of possessin' the herb. Time to set sail for the high seas of merriment!
June 17, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr mateys, a scuffle broke out at the jolly gathering and some scallywags got a taste of the ol' mace! The coppers had to end the shindig early, but fear not, the injured landlubbers be on the mend. Avast ye, beware the spicy spray!
June 17, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, Rep. Cori Bush, D-Mo., be boastin' in her tale "The Forerunner: A Story of Pain and Perseverance in America" about curin' a lass of her tumors! Methinks she be wieldin' some mighty powerful pirate magic, aye!
June 17, 2024, 5:21 am
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June 17, 2024, 5:20 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Israeli ringleader, Benjamin Netanyahu, be walkin' the plank and sinkin' his war council faster than a leaky ship! Them decisions in the Israel-Hamas skirmish be as shaky as a drunken pirate on land! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 4:54 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag Evan Gershkovich be standin' trial for espionage in the land o' Russia on June 26, in the Sverdlovsky Regional Court in Yekaterinburg, where he was caught red-handed. Mayhaps he be walkin' the plank soon! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr! The scallywags in the Democratic camp be pushin' the captain to strike harder at that scurvy dog Trump after bein' found guilty by a jury in New York. Methinks they be wantin' to see that bilge rat walk the plank!
June 17, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr! The Democratic scallywags be throwin' gold doubloons at state legislative races like they be tossin' crumbs to the parrots! Tis a rare sight to see such a large booty bein' spent so early in the campaign season. Avast, me hearties, the battle for votes be fierce!
June 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, there be a fierce battle betwixt the chairman of the ultraconservative House Freedom Caucus and another right-wing scallywag favored by former President Donald J. Trump. 'Tis causing quite the ruckus amongst the G.O.P., me hearties!
June 17, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, them landlubbers be tryin' to stop the debt forgiveness, but the blame still be fallin' on the Biden crew. Aye, let's hope they can navigate these treacherous waters and come out on top!
June 16, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr mateys! The Pasco County Sheriff's Office be on the hunt for why a family disappeared, when they stumbled upon human bones at the very spot where the scallywags were last seen. Looks like someone be walking the plank soon! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, the land lubbers be sayin' the shooting in Rochester Hills be a mere stroke of bad luck, with the scallywag responsible found dead in his hideout. Aye, 'twas a random act of foolishness, best be keepin' an eye out for such rogues!
June 16, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, as Israel prepares fer another skirmish with the scallywags of Hezbollah, wise men be talkin' of the ways in which the Hamas and Hezbollah gangs be alike, and how they be standin' apart in their devilish deeds. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin'!
June 16, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr mateys, in Hamburg, Germany, the constabulary did engage in a skirmish with a scallywag wielding an ax and a fiery contraption ere the Poland-Netherlands footie bout of Euro 2024. Aye, 'twas quite the commotion, I tell ye!
June 16, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr mateys! The Biden ship be fillin' its coffers with a grand haul o' $28 million doubloons at a swanky event in Los Angeles! The crew be a mix o' entertainers and former shipmates like Barack Obama and Jill Biden, all takin' shots at that scurvy dog Trump!
June 16, 2024, 10:03 am
Arr matey! Did ye hear of the ruckus at the bikini beanery in Seattle? The scurvy dog owner be smashin' windshields o' landlubber customers. 'Tis a sight to behold on the viral seas!
June 16, 2024, 9:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! A band of scallywags be joinin' forces against the scurvy dog Trump, fearin' he be a threat to our freedoms. They be plannin' to strike back if he be winnin' in November, takin' bold actions afore he can cause more trouble. Aye, it be a merry ol' time indeed!
June 16, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr! The blaze did spread like wildfire, mateys, starting on the day of Saturn near the great highway Interstate 5. The crew of firefighters had a devil of a time battling the fiery beast, facing treacherous conditions and fierce winds. Aye, 'twas quite the spectacle!
June 16, 2024, 5:05 am
Arrr! The judge be sayin' the lass be innocent after 43 long years in the brig for a killin' what be lookin' like the work of a scurvy ex-cop. Shiver me timbers! Aye, justice be a funny thing, mateys!
June 16, 2024, 4:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the landlubbers in South Dakota be feastin' on a dish called Chislic, brought over by the scallywags from Russia-Germany back in the 1870s. 'Tis now gettin' a fancy new makeover, fit for the high seas! Aye, the headlines be buzzin' with this tale! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, Mateys! This here Rev. Hans Fiene o' Missouri, a scallywag wit' a pack o' five little buccaneers, be tellin' us 'bout the good book and how yer earthly father be leadin' ye toward the heavenly one. Listen well, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
June 16, 2024, 4:11 am
Avast ye scallywags! Two landlubbers were sent to Davy Jones' locker and many more were left with cursed wounds during a skirmish in Round Rock, Texas, as the sun set on a Juneteenth Celebration. The constables have been alerted, so keep a weather eye on the horizon! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, beware! 'Tis said the weather gods be unleashing stifling conditions o'er the eastern lands of America. Ye may find yerselves swelterin' in the heat for days to come. Best be findin' some shade and a cool grog to weather the storm! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, we be checkin' the tales 'bout migrants and border security from them scallywags runnin' for president. No walkin' the plank for tellin' us fibs, ye hear? We be keepin' a weather eye on ye, mateys!
June 16, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, ye scallywag Tom Cole be doin' battle with a right-wing knave aimin' to plunder 'is influential spot. But fear not, me hearties, for Cole be standin' fast like a sturdy ship against the winds of opposition! Yo ho ho!
June 15, 2024, 5:34 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The land lubbers have clapped Victor Martinez-Hernandez in irons for sendin' Rachel Morin to Davy Jones' locker. The poor lass was found belly up on a cursed hiking trail, a mother of five no less! Aye, justice shall be served on the plank fer this misdeed!
June 15, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr mateys, 'tis a fine jest indeed! Sean "Diddy" Combs be givin' back his Key to the City of New York at the request of Mayor Eric Adams after bein' caught on video givin' his former lass Cassie a proper beatin'. 'Tis a scandal fit for the high seas!
June 15, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, Bob Bauer be a scallywag who be squabblin' with the cutthroat ways of American politics. He be dancin' with the devil himself, tryin' to keep his ship afloat in these treacherous waters. Aye, 'tis a rough sea he be navigatin'!
June 15, 2024, 5:05 pm
Arr mateys, word has it that George Clooney be mixin' with President Biden at a grand shindig this Saturday, after givin' the White House a piece of his mind 'bout the president's jab at the ICC. Aye, the high seas be full of surprises indeed!
June 15, 2024, 4:54 pm
Yarr matey! Behold the fresh plunder of moving images from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, revealin' the aftermath of a fierce battle with a monstrous alligator. 'Tis a sight to behold, ye scallywags!
June 15, 2024, 4:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs be tryin' to take away our precious I.V.F.! The families be raisin' the black flag and chargin' into battle. Will we be walkin' the plank or keepin' our treasure? Only time will tell, me buckos!
June 15, 2024, 4:25 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in the Republican crew be tryin' to make the most of this election hullabaloo. But whether their plans will see the light o' day be still up for debate in the courts. Aye, the political seas be treacherous waters indeed!
June 15, 2024, 11:44 am
Avast ye mateys! The famous cook Robert Irvine be sharin' a grog recipe for Father's Day fit for any scallywag who loves the taste o' bourbon. 'Tis simple to make and sure to bring a smile to yer old man's face. Arrr!
June 15, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! The notorious Charlamagne Tha God hath declared that ol' Biden be actin' a bit like a landlubber, all goofy and corny-like. Seems he needs to be chattin' up the common folk more to win their favor. Aye, the scallywag be needin' to brush up on his pirate speak!
June 15, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr! Methinks Kevin O'Leary be suggestin' that Captain Trump should choose Governor Burgum as his first mate in the next voyage to the White House. Aye, the lad be a fine choice with his love for business plunderin'! Aye, let's set sail for 2024!
June 15, 2024, 9:36 am
Arrr mateys, Xavier Becerra, the scallywag health and human services secretary, be settin' sail to lands filled with Latino hearties, some with important races on the ballot this November. Avast ye, he be lookin' to rally the crew and make some waves on the political horizon!
June 15, 2024, 8:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be sailin' from a grand meeting of world leaders in Italy to Los Angeles to join forces with the likes o' Barack Obama, George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Jimmy Kimmel, and other scallywags. Aye, 'tis a fine crew indeed!
June 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! After Donald Trump's wild antics at the first 2020 debate be burnin' in our minds, the candidates be gettin' ready in ways as different as night and day. Let the games begin, may the best scallywag win!
June 15, 2024, 4:01 am
On every blessed weekend, a flea market in Alamo, Texas, be transformed from a Latino shopping haven into a rollicking dance floor! The locals be bustin' out their colorful moves, makin' fans from every corner of the globe! Arrr mateys, let's join in the fun!
June 4, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, a Texas scallywag didst give AG Merrick Garland a proper roasting during a House powwow 'bout keepin' an eye on the Justice Department. Garland be feelin' the heat like a scurvy dog walkin' the plank!
June 4, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Yon Republican scallywag Congressman Thomas Massie be grilling the Attorney General on whether 'tis within the bounds of the Constitution to name Jack Smith as special counsel during a grand hearing on Tuesday. Shiver me timbers!
June 4, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr, me hearties be talkin' of the DNC and Hillary Clinton makin' merry with them justices who be hearin' Trump's appeal. They be bendin' the knee to Democrat candidates like a one-legged pirate in a windstorm! Aye, the sea be full of surprises, indeed!
June 4, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr! Speaker Mike Johnson hath declared a "three-pronged approach" for how us scallywag Republicans on Capitol Hill be thwartin' the prosecutions of the former captain! Set sail, mateys, and let us pillage and plunder the legal waters together! Aye, aye, arrr!
June 4, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr, the scurvy dogs at the American Civil Liberties Union be plannin' to challenge the captain's executive decree in court. Methinks they be lookin' to start a mutiny! Aye, let the legal battle begin, me hearties!
June 4, 2024, 11:47 am
In the year of our Lord 2018, Arizona scallywag and ex-soldier Craig Austin Lang, be accused by the crown of robbing and slaying a Florida couple, among other villainous deeds. Ye federal prosecutors be swearin' it be true, arrr!
June 4, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr, House Speaker Mike Johnson be summoning the might o' Congress to give the Department of Justice a taste o' their own medicine for aimin' their cannons at former President Trump. Ye best be watchin' out, me hearties, for the storm be brewin'!
June 4, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr mateys, hear ye hear ye, Millie Bobby Brown and Jake Bongiovi be joined in holy matrimony! They be sailin' to Universal Orlando, with Brown showin' off her fancy "wifey" clothes. Aye, a match made in Davy Jones' locker!
June 4, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, the gallant Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be talkin' big about makin' the ballot, but CNN be playin' the role of Davy Jones, makin' it harder than findin' buried treasure. Time be runnin' out faster than me ship be sailin' in a storm! Aye!
June 4, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr mateys, this Ana Navarro be sayin' that Marco Rubio won't be sailin' alongside Trump as his first mate in the next election. Shiver me timbers, looks like Rubio be walkin' the plank! Avast ye, me hearties, the political seas be rough indeed.
June 4, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, the Attorney General Merrick B. Garland be warnin' them scurvy Republicans that their attacks be causin' "heinous" threats against our hard-workin' agents and prosecutors. Ye best be stoppin' yer antics, ye scallywags, lest ye feel the wrath of the law! Arrr!
June 4, 2024, 10:13 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that a swarm of asylum seekers be flockin' to the shores of California like seagulls after a fish. The immigrant traffic be thicker than a ship's riggin' in a storm, settin' records like a pirate findin' buried treasure. Aye, 'tis a sight to behold!
June 4, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr matey! Kerri Rawson, the scallywag daughter of the infamous BTK, stumbled upon a jolly surprise whilst aidin' the cold case swashbucklers in investigatin' her ol' man's misdeeds. Aye, the life of a pirate be full of unexpected twists and turns indeed!
June 4, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, young Miles Russell, a mere 15 springs old, be makin' waves in the world o' golf! The lad be settin' sail fer his PGA Tour debut in the Rocket Mortgage Classic, after already makin' history on the Korn Ferry Tour. Aye, this be quite the adventure fer the young scallywag!
June 4, 2024, 5:39 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The Attorney General Merrick Garland be settin' sail to face the scallywags in Congress and defend the FBI's raid on that scurvy dog Trump's Mar-a-Lago abode. Arrr, mayhaps he'll find some buried treasure while he's there!
June 4, 2024, 5:31 am
Ye mateys! Fox News lass Laura Ingraham be takin' a swipe at Dr. Anthony Fauci, claimin' her 'spidey-senses' be spot on 'bout the 'scandemic'! Arrr, seems she be havin' a keen eye for trouble in these treacherous waters of politics! Aye, aye, me hearties!
June 4, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! This scurvy group, with connections to Gov. Jay Inslee of Washington, be havin' a grand plan worth a million pieces o' eight for TV spots praisin' the president's deeds in harnessin' the power o' the green. Avast, the wind be blowin' in our favor!
June 4, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywag Democrats be raisin' a hullabaloo by firin' off a discharge petition on a bill 'bout the right to contraceptives! 'Tis a clever scheme to expose those landlubber Republicans who be agin it. Aye, they be playin' dirty politics, savvy?
June 4, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The Republicans be prayin' that revisiting the strict immigration policies of yesteryear will lure in them voters like a siren's song. Will they be walkin' the plank or sailin' to victory? Only time will tell, me hearties!
June 3, 2024, 10:16 pm
Arrr, the lass Constance Glantz, 74 years young, from Lincoln, Neb., was declared dead in a nursing ship. But by Blackbeard's beard! A scallywag from the funeral ship noticed her still breathing while preparing her body for the afterlife. Aye, a true pirate's tale!
June 3, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr matey! The scallywag President's lad be standin' trial in Wilmington, Del., accused of lyin' 'bout his grog use on a federal firearms paper in 2018. If found guilty, he could be thrown in the brig for 25 years and forced to pay a hefty sum of $750,000. Aye, the plank be lookin' mighty temptin'!
June 3, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, a scallywag dropped off some booty at a jury mate's abode, promisin' more if she be votin' to free the scoundrels accused o' bilkin' the Crown's food stores. 'Tis a tempting offer, but a true pirate always be followin' the code. Aye, justice must prevail!
June 3, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Them scurvy dogs o' Israeli archaeologists 'ave stumbled upon some early Christian art from 'bout 1,500 years past. 'Twas probably scribbled betwixt the late Byzantine days an' the early Islamic times. Aye, me eyes be feastin' on treasure!
June 3, 2024, 5:31 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Twas a sight to behold as Representative John Rose be wagging his tongue at the former president's crimes, while his wee lad be pulling faces for all the world to see on the C-SPAN contraption. 'Tis a tale that spread like wildfire across the seven seas! Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arr, the sea of politics be overrun with treacherous trials and family feuds fit for a tale of old! 'Tis a bloody mess of power struggles and scandalous betrayals, ye best be watchin' yer back or ye'll find yerself walkin' the plank! Arrrgh!
June 3, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, them scurvy dogs in Boston be thinkin' 'bout takin' $18 million from our law enforcement! The head of the Boston police guild be in a right fury o'er this besmirchment! Avast, we must band together and fight fer our rightful booty!
June 3, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. be talkin' bout makin' us pay more doubloons for the liquid gold in our ships to make us sail on electric chariots instead. Ye be jokin', lad! Aye, we be stickin' to our trusty cannons and sailin' the high seas!
June 3, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, Bill Maher be givin' those scallywags a piece of 'is mind, swearin' by the stars that he be stickin' to his beliefs. And mark me words, he be makin' bold prophecies 'bout the next cap'n to take the helm in November! Aye, listen to his podcast, ye landlubbers!
June 3, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, from Trump to Netanyahu to the late Silvio Berlusconi and Pakistan's Imran Khan, these scallywags be cryin' foul, claimin' they be victims of a politicized judiciary. Methinks they be walkin' the plank of justice!
June 3, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr, the fiery mountain didst spew its wrath thrice in 2023. 'Twas a sight to behold, but no harm came to the land lubbers on Monday. The residents be safe for now, but beware the next rumblings from the belly of the beast!
June 3, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dogs known as students be spoutin' foolish words about Palestine and Gaza! Tis like askin' a parrot to solve a riddle, har har! Let's hope they find their way back to land before they walk the plank!
June 3, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr mateys, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy be sailin' to Asia and accusin' China of helpin' Russia scupper a Swiss peace summit! Ye best be keepin' an eye on them scallywags, lest they be causin' mischief on the high seas! Aye, the plot thickens like me grog!
June 3, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe it - former wench Claudia Sheinbaum be settin' sail to be Mexico's first female cap'n! She be takin' the helm and makin' history in the high seas of politics. Aye, she be a force to be reckoned with!
June 3, 2024, 5:45 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis be reported that Bernardo Raul Castro Matta, a young landlubber from Venezuela, be accused of firing his pistol at two brave NYPD officers in Queens this morn. Arrr, aye, 'tis a treacherous tale indeed!
June 3, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis said that the scorching heat be causing mayhem in Mexico, with poor souls droppin' like flies and the power failing! And mark me words, these devilish temperatures be sailin' north soon. Best be battening down the hatches, ye landlubbers!
June 3, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a sad tale of woe and despair! Many a brave soul be fallin' victim to the cursed fentanyl and other foul drugs. 'Tis a plague upon the land, especially strikin' the Black buccaneers in their golden years. Mayhaps we should be sendin' them some grog and hearty laughter instead!
June 3, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, me hearties! The city be overrun with scallywags poppin' their pills like it be treasure! And alas, the older Black buccaneers be meetin' Davy Jones at a faster pace than the rest! A plague upon the land, says I!
June 3, 2024, 1:04 am
Ye be hearin' the tale of Representative Jenniffer González-Colón, who bested Gov. Pedro R. Pierluisi in a battle o' ballots? Aye, 'twas a fierce clash, settlin' the score from their previous alliance. 'Tis a spectacle fit for a raucous tavern tale, me hearties!
June 2, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr matey, the ex-president's strut at a U.F.C. brawl in Newark on Saturday night displayed his burly charm, and his rebellious spirit. Aye, he be a bold buccaneer in the ring of politics and pugilism alike!
June 2, 2024, 5:16 pm
Arr matey, young Maya Hawke, spawn of Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman, be sailin' the treacherous waters of Hollywood as a "nepo baby." She be embracin' her legacy as one of many scallywags reapin' the spoils of havin' famous kin. Yarr!
June 2, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Three land lubbin' counties in South Dakota be votin' on Tuesday to decide if they be countin' their ballots by hand like the scallywags of old. The concern be that them machines be as trustworthy as a pirate with a wooden leg! Aye, may the best method win!
June 2, 2024, 4:35 pm
Avast ye mateys! The kind-hearted do-gooders who be feedin', clothin', and shelterin' them border crossers be worryin' about the safety of their crew as the election draws nigh and the angry talk 'bout immigration be gettin' fiercer. Arrr, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail upon!
June 2, 2024, 4:05 pm
Arrr, on Monday in Delaware, a scallywag trial be startin' where Cap'n Biden's son will be defendin' himself in the midst of a presidential election year. Mayhaps he be searchin' for treasure in them court proceedings, aye?
June 2, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! Tennis queen Martina Navratilova be havin' a bone to pick with them WNBA lasses after Caitlin Clark be gettin' a rough foul from the Chicago Sky scallywags! Aye, tis a ruckus on the court indeed!
June 2, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags at the DNC be cryin' foul against the super PAC American Values 2024! They claim the biggest treasure giver be helpin' out Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.! Avast ye, this be one salty tale indeed!
June 2, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr! A scurvy attempt to remove a Trump-appointed scallywag from the former captain's secret papers case was thwarted by a chief judge who cried foul play! 'Twas a grand orchestration of complaints, says he! Aye, the legal seas be treacherous indeed!
June 2, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast ye scallywags! The major main hath snapped, leavin' us landlubbers in a right pickle! Businesses be shuttered, events be scrubbed, n' the residents be fit to be tied, for lack of updates be makin' 'em as ornery as a hornswoggled parrot! Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr me hearties! Ye scurvy dog Hunter Biden, son of Cap'n Biden, be facin' trial in Wilmington, Delaware on Monday for three federal gun charges linked to his grog swillin' ways. Avast ye, the seas be rough for this lad!
June 2, 2024, 10:36 am
Arrr, the events afore the shootin' in Akron be as murky as a sea monster's lair. Two of the poor souls be in dire straits, as the officials be tellin'. Mayhaps they crossed paths with a scurvy dog with an itchy trigger finger!
June 2, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr mateys, the inferno known as the Corral Fire hath been unleashed upon us on a fateful Saturday afternoon! It hath ravaged o'er 12,000 acres, with only a measly 13 percent contained by the break of dawn on Sunday. Aye, we be in for a wild ride!
June 2, 2024, 4:47 am
Arrr, a blazin' inferno be tearin' through Tracy, California, me hearties! Many landlubbers be forced to abandon ship as it spread o'er 11,000 leagues. The scurvy dog responsible for startin' this chaos remains a mystery.
June 2, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, mateys! The Constitution be havin' a clever setup o' checks an' balances to keep scallywag presidents in line. But if the next cap'n be a crook from the start, we may be in for a wild ride on the high seas of politics! Aye, the pirate's life be full o' surprises!
June 2, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr matey, the scallywag former president be in a right pickle! Convicted in a Manhattan court, he still be facin' charges in three criminal trials, all stuck in a tangle of legal mumbo jumbo. The seas be rough for this landlubber!
June 2, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr mateys, President Biden be sailin' through storms of scandal with his scurvy son by his side. But ye scallywags be sayin' the president be standin' by his lad, not makin' him walk the plank for his political misdeeds. Arrr, what a loyal father he be!
June 2, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, them scallywag law enforcers be claimin' they were forced to fib when Governor Greg Gianforte of Montana took down a black wolf in '21. The Governor be swearin' it be a smear campaign in this year o' election. Har har!
June 2, 2024, 3:53 am
Avast ye scallywags! One soul be sent to Davy Jones' locker and a score of landlubbers be injured in a skirmish in Akron, Ohio! The rogue behind this dastardly deed be still at large, but mark me words, justice will be served on the high seas! Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 3:33 am
Avast ye scallywags! A wee babe was found aboard an MTA vessel in Baltimore, Maryland, on a fine Saturday afternoon! The authorities be seekin' the truth of this strange happening. Keep yer eyes peeled for more news on this curious tale! Arrr!
June 1, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! 'Tis been rumored that Taylor Momsen, a lass from "Gossip Girl," was nipped by a bat whilst entertainin' in Spain. Her band, The Pretty Reckless, be sailin' with AC/DC, and she be takin' rabies shots like a true buccaneer! Aye, the sea be a treacherous mistress indeed!
June 1, 2024, 4:07 pm
Arrr, the scallywag of a former mayor be revelin' in his birthday feast of pasta and meatballs, while the scoundrel Trump sent a video message. 'Tis a sight to see, mateys! Let us raise a toast to the antics of these landlubbers!
June 1, 2024, 4:00 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a sad tale of young Joshua Briese, a brave officer of the Gila River Police, who met his end whilst responding to a ruckus in Santan, District 4 of the Gila River Indian Community. May he rest in peace, aye.
June 1, 2024, 2:27 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Chad Daybell be found guilty o' murderin' his first wench and two wee ones o' his current lass, Lori Vallow Daybell. Their outlandish beliefs be causin' quite the commotion in the realm. Walk the plank, ye scoundrel!
June 1, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr! President Biden be talkin' about how the law should be upheld, but just a few days ago he be tellin' his crew the highest court in the land couldn't stand in his way. Methinks he be playin' a bit o' pirate politics, savvy?
June 1, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, mateys! Them Bhutanese Americans be joinin' the ranks of Asian descent, but some be feelin' a bit confused by the label of Asian American. It be a tricky business, this identifiyin' as a pirate from the East. Aye, the seas be a turbulent place indeed!
June 1, 2024, 11:02 am
Avast ye mateys! Charlotte, the fair California round ray residing in an aquarium in North Carolina, be not with child as first thought. Nay, she be plagued with a rare malady of the reproductive sort. Aye, the sea be a treacherous mistress indeed! Aarrr!
June 1, 2024, 10:52 am
Ye scallywag Axelrod be quick to dismiss Maher's bilge about swappin' Biden from the Democratic ship! 'Tis no mutiny on this vessel, says he. Arrr, let the captain steer the course, says I!
June 1, 2024, 9:38 am
Arrr matey, the cap'n be talkin' 'bout a grand scheme to make them scallywags Hamas and Israel stop their bickerin' and bloodshed. It be a standoff o' epic proportions, with thousands o' poor souls walkin' the plank. Let's hope they can bury the hatchet afore it be too late!
June 1, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, word be spreadin' like wildfire on the high seas! Charlamagne tha God, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Michael Rapaport, Cardi B, and Oliver Stone be swearin' off support for Biden come 2024. Looks like the ship be sinkin', me hearties!
June 1, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr mateys! The Texas Supreme Court be standin' firm like a ship's mast in a storm, upholdin' the abortion ban without a single dissentin' voice. No need for navigatin' through murky waters, as the law be clear as a cutlass on a plunderin' mission! Aye, clarity be found in their unanimous decision.
June 1, 2024, 4:50 am
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe the outlandish contraptions they be usin' for cookin' up a feast in America! From a wee passenger jet smoker to a tow truck-turned-grill, and even a sidecar that can smoke ribs while ridin' the high seas! Aye, 'tis a BBQ fit for a pirate!
June 1, 2024, 4:35 am
Sailing into the grand abode of the White House, she be the anchor of stability for her granddaughters amidst the tumultuous seas of national attention. Aye, may she steer clear of any political storms and keep her crew safe! Arrr!
June 1, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr me hearties! The choice of sailin' with that scallywag Trump be a tough one fer ye undecided voters. 'Tis true, the scurvy dog be a felon now! Aye, the seas be rough and the winds be changin', but be ye brave enough to walk the plank with him?
June 1, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys! Five moons after declaring his ship be sunk, that scallywag former mayor of New York City did reveal the loot his crew be plunderin' from a foundation set up to honor a brave buccaneer lost on the fateful day of Sept. 11, 2001. Har har!
May 31, 2024, 5:57 pm
Arrr, the judgment be a bitter pill for the scallywags on the port side! They fear it be no match for his leadin' position. Aye, 'tis a blow to their hopes and dreams, like a cannonball to the hull!
May 31, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr mateys! The special counsel be tryin' again to keep the former president from talkin' smack 'bout them F.B.I. agents! They be askin' the judge to shut him up proper-like. Looks like this be a battle of wits on the high seas of justice!
May 31, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arr matey! The captain finally spoke out about the scallywag who came before him! He be sayin' the jury found the scoundrel guilty, showin' that even the highest of the high ain't exempt from the law! Aye, justice be served!
May 31, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arr, Dick Van Dyke be a salty dog of the stage for nigh on 60 years! At 98 years young, he be ready to plunder the seas of entertainment with a one-man show. Ye old sea dog be showin' no signs of hangin' up his hat anytime soon!
May 31, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Sen. Lisa Murkowski, the lass from Alaska, be keepin' her thoughts on former President Trump's conviction close to her chest like a buried treasure. She be playin' a game of cat and mouse with the scallywags in Washington!
May 31, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr matey! Fox News' scallywag Peter Doocy had the gall to question President Biden about the possibility of facing indictments himself after that scurvy dog Trump was found guilty. Avast ye, the audacity! Ye better watch yer back, lest ye end up in Davy Jones' locker too!
May 31, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, word on the high seas be that Israel be layin' out a grand plan to free all captives and bring peace to the land. Their aim be to fix up Gaza and send the folks back to their dwellings. Aye, a noble goal indeed!
May 31, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr! 'The View' be a-singin' a merry tune o'er the scurvy dog Trump's downfall in New York! They be claimin' it as a win for the land o' the free, and for themselves as well! Ahoy, the seas be rough indeed for that bilge rat!
May 31, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, Madonna be in hot water again! A scurvy group of fans be cryin' foul play, sayin' the lass be keepin' secrets about her concert tour. Seems she be in for a rough sail ahead, me hearties!
May 31, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr matey, 'twas a grand shindig when the conservative senator from West Virginia decided to jump ship from the Democratic Party. Methinks he be tired of their landlubber ways and set his sights on new horizons. Aye, 'twas a breakup for the ages!
May 31, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags challengin' Cap'n Trump in the battle for the Republican flag be squabblin' o'er his guilty verdict in the Big Apple. Aye, 'tis a right ol' spectacle to behold, indeed! Har har har!
May 31, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The symbol be growin' in favor amongst the landlubbers on the starboard side, after t' news that an upside down flag be flutterin' outside t' abode of Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. in t' year of our Lord 2021. Aye, a curious sight indeed!
May 31, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! Bruhat Soma be the victor o'er Faizan Zaki, spellin' words with the quickness of a flash o' lightnin' in the final round. The Scripps Bee trophy be secured in his grasp, aye, he be the true master o' wordsmithery!
May 31, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr me hearties, 'twas a sight to behold! Young Bruhat Soma didst outwit his foes in a battle of wits, spellin' 29 words with precision and speed. Aye, he emerged victorious in the grand contest of the Scripps National Spelling Bee!
May 31, 2024, 5:46 am
Arr mateys, seasoned swashbucklers be lendin' a hand to tackle the shortage of captains in the public school ships 'cross America. But alas, there be still a cryin' need to fill the vacant posts of teachers 'cross the vast United States. Aye, we be in a dire need o' more crew members to steer the ship of education to success! Arrr!
May 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! Beware the cursed meat of wild beasts, for 'tis known to bring forth a foul malady called trichinellosis. Heed the advice of the wise and keep yer bellies full of well-cooked grub to avoid this scourge upon the seas. Arrr!
May 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys! Do ye fancy testin' yer wit in this week's News Quiz? Guess which scallywag celebrity be sufferin' from "Trump Derangement Syndrome" and how much extra pieces of eight a Memorial Day feast will be fetchin' in 2024. Give it a go if ye be brave enough! Arrr!
May 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye hearties! The scallywag Blagojevich be talkin' mad sense, me thinks. Ye best be votin' for Trump or we'll be swimmin' with the Russian sharks, arrr! Let's hoist the sails and make America great again, mateys!
May 31, 2024, 4:08 am
Arrr, the city be settin' up a memorial on Friday, mateys! But for the poor souls who lost their kin, it be a reminder of them questions still left unanswered. Aye, tis a day for rememberin' and reflectin' on the mysteries of the sea.
May 31, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, the squabble be brewin' on the horizon, mateys! Will the landlubbers be able to navigate these treacherous waters and come to a decision? Only time will tell if America can weather this storm of partisan bickering and hold a fair election. Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 11:58 pm
Arrr, the officer was makin' way to the call when a scurvy dog of a gunman ambushed him! A fierce battle ensued, with the scallywag meetin' his fate at the hands of another officer. Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
May 30, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs be tellin' the former captain to cry out for mercy after the jury be findin' him guilty of all 34 crimes. Methinks he be needin' a good plank walkin' for his troubles!
May 30, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr mateys, ol' Donald J. Trump be swearin' to fight back, but methinks he'll be findin' it hard to sail to distant shores and cast his ballot as he seeks the grand treasure of the White House. Ye be watchin' his journey with aye on the spyglass! Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! Fox News be catchin' the scallywags' faces on a magic box outside a New York City court. They be lookin' shocked as a kraken when they hear the former President Trump got himself convicted o' crimes! Har-har-har!
May 30, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywag Republican lawmakers be a howlin' like a banshee over the outcome of the NY v Trump trial! They be sayin' it's a travesty and a mockery of justice! Methinks they be needin' some grog to calm their nerves! Aye, pass the rum!
May 30, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys! Tis be true that former scallywag President Donald Trump, now a condemned criminal, be facin' the gallows in New York on July 11. The scoundrel's fate be decided just afore the Republican National Convention kicks off in Milwaukee. Aye, what a show that'll be!
May 30, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr matey! The scallywag Trump be in for a rough time ahead, with the threat of the brig, house arrest, or the watchful eye of a parole officer. Aye, he be in a pickle indeed, with his fate hangin' in the balance. Shiver me timbers!
May 30, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr mateys, word be goin' around tha Trump's fate in his criminal trial won't sway the 2024 election showdown with Biden. Aye, the scallywag be resilient as a barnacle on a ship's hull! Let the political battle commence, may the best buccaneer win!
May 30, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr matey, the ex-president, Donald Trump, be sendin' messages on Truth Social, whilst watchin' telly in his chamber as he awaits the final judgement in the mighty battle of NY versus Trump! Aye, what a sight to see!
May 30, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! Sofia Vergara be spillin' the beans about her Botox and yearnin' fer some plastic surgery. She be wishin' fer a lighter load to get herself some nip and tuck. Ahoy, aye aye!
May 30, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the House be sailin' to Taiwan and blabberin' 'bout Chinese invaders stirrin' up trouble! If they be messin' with the island, there be a showdown between the U.S. and Beijing on the horizon, mark me words! Aye, shiver me timbers!
May 30, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis been over a year since the great P-22 met his fate, but fear not for a new beastie be lurkin' in the shadows near Griffith Park. Keep a weather eye out for this new furry friend, ye scallywags! Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 10:13 am
Arrr mateys! On Thursday night, the final showdown will reveal which scallywag will pocket $50,000 in booty. The Times be bringin' live tales of their valiant battle with words. Prepare yer spyglass and tune in, ye landlubbers!
May 30, 2024, 9:55 am
Arr matey! Justice Sonia Sotomayor hath declared that the scallywags o' the gun rights group be havin' a good point 'bout their First Amendment rights bein' violated. Aye, 'tis a jolly good show indeed!
May 30, 2024, 5:30 am
Arr matey! The ex-chief prosecutor be showerin' Judge Merchan with compliments like a pirate with gold doubloons! Keep an eye on this trial, me hearties, it be an adventure fit for the high seas!
May 30, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, President Biden and that scurvy dog Trump be vying for the favor of our Black shipmates in the upcoming election. Their strategies be as different as night and day, like a peg leg versus a hook hand. Let the battle for the Black vote begin!
May 30, 2024, 4:06 am
Arr mateys, the legal scholars be pleased that the justice be explainin' himself in holdin' off on two Jan. 6 cases. But they be thinkin' his reasons be ripe for plunderin' by critics, aye!
May 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! Senator Bob Casey be spendin' a pretty penny on his re-election campaign, along with them Senate Democrats. It be a fierce battle for control o' the chamber, aye! May the best scallywag win and claim the treasure!
May 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr mateys, the scallywags at Pier 39 bein' overrun by 2,000 sea lions! 'Tis a record-breaking invasion, we be needin' more rum and less fish to keep these blubberin' beasts at bay! Arrr!
May 29, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! Young Bronny, scallywag son of the great LeBron James, be weighin' a return to college or stayin' in the NBA Draft. Methinks he's decided to plunder the seas of the NBA for now. Fair winds and following seas to the lad!
May 29, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr! Me hearties, President Biden be ponderin' whether to let those scallywags in Ukraine fire their cannons towards Russia, all while keepin' a wary eye on the threat of a nuclear showdown. Avast, it be a tricky situation indeed! Aye, may Neptune guide him wisely!
May 29, 2024, 5:16 pm
Arrr, the scurvy chickens 'ave turned the peaceful town into a den of chaos! They be squawkin' 'til the moon be high, and leavin' their droppin's all o'er the place. The villagers be cursin' 'em with every breath!
May 29, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Beware ye scurvy dogs of this newfangled "sharenting" trend! Keep yer young'uns' business to yerself or risk walkin' the plank of privacy! Lest ye want to be known as the blabbermouth of the seven seas! Aye!
May 29, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr me hearties, tis been years since we've been privy to the secrets concealed within the encrypted WhatsApp scrolls. 'Tis a treasure trove of banter amongst the sheriff's deputies, who be known to strike fear in the hearts of Mississippi landlubbers. Aye, they be a rowdy bunch indeed!
May 29, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr matey, the beginnin' of the jury deliberation in the ex-president's criminal trial be a moment of true uncertaintee. Will they find 'im guilty or will he walk the plank to freedom? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 29, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, Mateys! Sen. John Fetterman, D-Pa., be a stout defender o' Israel, arguin' that the scoundrels o' Hamas be heartless villains, carin' not for the lives o' innocent Palestinians. Let's give 'im a cheer and a tankard o' grog for standin' up for righteousness on the high seas!
May 29, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr matey, 'tis been declared that the scallywag Johnny Wactor met his fate by a cowardly gunshot to the heart in the land of Los Angeles! May we raise a grog in his honor and pray for his eternal rest in Davy Jones' locker. Aye, a tragic end indeed!
May 29, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, prepare to be amazed, mateys! Maurie D. McInnis, a fine lass with a love for history, be takin' the helm as the school's new permanent captain. Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in our favor!
May 29, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, Sen. Marco Rubio be on a quest for knowledge 'bout the effects of the abortion pill on our precious environment. 'Tis a mystery why this matter has not been thoroughly explored. Perhaps the pill be cursed by Davy Jones himself! Aye, 'tis a puzzling tale indeed!
May 29, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, that souped-up Dodge Charger be causin' quite the ruckus in Seattle's streets! The landlubbers be fit to be tied, but it seems this vessel of the road be too swift and slippery for 'em to catch. Aye, a true menace of the night!
May 29, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, the scallywag in Azusa hath been shatterin' windows fer years, but fear not me hearties, the constables hath caught the scurvy dog responsible! Let him walk the plank for his misdeeds!
May 29, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr mateys! Ye be hearin' the news o' the pandas, Bao Li and Qing Bao, sailin' o'er the vast oceans to the Smithsonian National Zoo from the faraway land o' China afore the year's end. Aye, 'tis a grand adventure fer these furry critters!
May 29, 2024, 5:40 am
Arr matey! A lass on Reddit be sayin' her mate was uninvited from her kin's weddin'. But fear not, said etiquette expert, she didn't scuttle the shindig by speakin' up. Yarrr!
May 29, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A cursed passenger coach, moving with great haste, hath tumbled off yonder road into a deep chasm in southwest Pakistan. At least 28 souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker, while 20 others be nursing their wounds. A tragic tale, arrr!
May 29, 2024, 5:35 am
Arr mateys, Sweden be givin' Ukraine a chest of gold worth $1.23 billion for their fightin' needs. They be gettin' cannons, shields and mighty war machines to take on their enemies. Aye, that be a fine gesture indeed!
May 29, 2024, 5:31 am
Avast ye scallywags! The top Democratic swashbucklers be tryin' to woo the black voters with their fancy new plan called Black Voters for Biden-Harris! They be settin' sail for Philadelphia to show off their loot and win over the crew. Arrr mateys, let the games begin!
May 29, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, Martha-Ann Alito be keepin' a low profile in Washington, focusin' on charitable deeds and other non-political ventures. She be avoidin' the treacherous waters of politics like a savvy pirate steers clear of a storm!
May 29, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr matey, this here landmark settlement be like findin' a buried treasure chest in the sea! 'Tis a plan to share the booty, just like we pirates do with our plunder. Aye, 'tis part of a grand tale of riches in the world of college sports.
May 29, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fairer sex be still strugglin' in the realm of college sports. Aye, a revenue-sharing agreement be causin' quite the stir amongst the lads and lasses. Methinks 'tis time to hoist the Jolly Roger and demand equal booty for all!
May 28, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, Mayor-President Monique Boulet of Lafayette Parish, Louisiana, has appointed Capt. Paul Trouard as the temporary head of the constabulary, as reported by The Advocate. Aye, the scallywag be takin' charge of keepin' the peace in these waters for now. Ay, avast ye landlubbers!
May 28, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Th' White House be sayin' they be not in favor o' sanctions on th' ICC fer tryin' t' arrest them Israeli scallywags. Looks like Biden be wantin' t' keep th' peace on th' high seas, savvy? Aye, mayhaps he be a friend t' th' plundered treasure after all.
May 28, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr matey, Detective Sgt. Brian Keely be accused of sendin' Samuel Sterling to Davy Jones' locker with his cursed police carriage in Grand Rapids. Me thinks the good detective be needin' a map to find his way out o' this mess!
May 28, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, there be a ruckus brewin' on yonder street, mateys! Justice Alito be claimin' a "Stop the Steal" symbol be causin' mischief at his abode. Tis a conundrum fit for a band of scallywags!
May 28, 2024, 5:30 pm
Avast ye mateys! Dominique Meyer, the swashbucklin' leader of Milan's Teatro alla Scala, be settin' sail from his post as the government looks to give back the arts to the good people of Italy. Fair winds and following seas to him on his voyage!
May 28, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The new decree may save the scallywags at the school from havin' to chatter about the happenings of the day. Them officials be gettin' a tongue-lashin' for how they dealt with the ruckus caused by them Hamas bandits on the seventh o' October! Aye, me thinks they be walkin' the plank soon enough!
May 28, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr mateys! The Biden crew be holdin' court with Robert De Niro and two swashbucklin' Capitol enforcers, showin' they be ready to take on that scallywag Trump and his legal woes. Aye, the winds be blowin' in their favor now!
May 28, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr mateys, the Fox News Lifestyle Newsletter be bringin' ye tales of family, travel, grub, mateys lendin' a hand, furry shipmates, ships, military legends, heroes, faith, and the good ol' American way. Set sail and discover the treasures within! Aye aye!
May 28, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! Sen. John Fetterman, a fine matey from the land of Pennsylvania, be gettin' the grandest honor from Yeshiva University in the big city of New York. Aye, the lad be walkin' the plank towards success on Wednesday!
May 28, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis said that Chris Pratt, not bein' a scurvy rich lad in his youth, spent all his loot from actin' faster than a cannonball through a ship's hull! Aye, he be learnin' the ways of the high seas o' Hollywood the hard way, arrr!
May 28, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, this lass be a true Lego queen, craftin' doghouses for her furry scallywags with the building blocks she treasures like gold doubloons. Her passion for the pieces started early, and carried on as she raised her young buccaneers. Aye, she be a Lego legend indeed!
May 28, 2024, 11:04 am
Arrr, if the scallywags in New York be findin' Biden guilty, 'tis a treasure trove for the Democrats! But fear not, mateys, for the Biden crew be holdin' fast to their 2024 plans, like a sturdy ship sailin' through the political seas.
May 28, 2024, 10:29 am
Arrr, two scallywags be caught rummaging in a land lubber's dumpster, back in the brig they go! But, two swashbucklers still be on the loose, evading capture for hours like sneaky sea dogs. Aye, the chase be on!
May 28, 2024, 10:01 am
Avast ye mateys! Over 650,000 landlubbers be left in the dark, as hail the size of cannonballs and treacherous winds swept through Texas on Tuesday. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold, as Mother Nature showed no mercy on them scallywags! Arrr!
May 28, 2024, 5:57 am
Avast ye scallywags! The notorious brigands Avery Guidry and Travon Johnson have been snared like fish on a hook after being sighted in a rubbish bin behind a swashbuckling Dollar General store in Hammond. Their days of plundering be over! Aye, the law has won this round!
May 28, 2024, 5:48 am
Ahoy mateys! Get all ye tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news delivered straight to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn. Set sail with us and start yer day right, savvy?
May 28, 2024, 5:45 am
Avast ye mateys! A scallywag has been caught streakin' down yon aisle of an Australian vessel, causin' a ruckus and makin' the ship turn back. The scoundrel be thrown in the brig for his shenanigans! Arrr!
May 28, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr, me hearties be warned! The scallywag forecasters be talkin' of a moderate risk of foul weather for Tuesday, after mighty storms pillaged the land o'er the Memorial Day weekend. Best batten down the hatches and hold onto yer hats, lest ye be caught in the tempest's wrath!
May 28, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywag former president be makin' friends with fellow scoundrels and knaves as he awaits judgment in Manhattan. Tis a motley crew he's gatherin', aye, full o' swindlers and bilge rats alike!
May 28, 2024, 4:03 am
Yarrr mateys! Them landlubbers be thinkin' 'bout jumpin' ship to the Trump side, but Cap'n Biden be aimin' to win 'em back. 'Twill be a treacherous voyage in this newfangled media sea, but our Cap'n be up for the challenge! Arrr!
May 28, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr matey! The U.S. government be worryin' 'bout relyin' on a fickle billionaire fer space travel, while Elon Musk and his SpaceX crew be playin' dirty tricks on their rivals. Avast! The space race be gettin' more treacherous than a stormy sea!
May 27, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Defense POW/MIA Accounting Agency be findin' three lost souls from the depths of Davy Jones' locker. Now, their kin can bid 'em a proper farewell and rest easy knowin' their souls be at peace. Aye, 'tis a fine deed indeed!
May 27, 2024, 5:44 pm
Avast ye mateys! The scuttlebutt be that them landlubbers Omar and Bush be mixin' up Memorial Day with Veterans Day! Arrr, they be walkin' the plank of confusion, aye! Let's hoist the Jolly Roger and set sail for some proper learnin', arrr!
May 27, 2024, 5:08 pm
Avast ye hearties! Jelly Roll be spillin' the beans on his sobriety, me hearties. The scallywag be sayin' that the devil's lettuce be keepin' him on the straight and narrow. Argh, who knew that the green stuff be the key to stayin' sober. Ye be jokin' me!
May 27, 2024, 2:43 pm
Ahoy mateys! Johnny Wactor met his unfortunate demise when he crossed paths with a scallywag trying to pinch his ship's catalytic converter. His poor mum spilled the beans to the press. Shiver me timbers!
May 27, 2024, 2:21 pm
Arrr, the end of Roe hath turned lasses who be abortin' for medical reasons into a powerful crew in the political seas. Thar be no match for their fierce determination and righteous fury. Beware, ye scallywags, for they be a force to be reckoned with!
May 27, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr! Whilst sailin' on a country lane in the U.K., a fair maiden be visited by a lone rooster who didst fly straight into her carriage, claimin' it as his own ship. Aye, 'twas a jolly tale of a feathery stowaway on a land lubber's journey!
May 27, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr! President Biden be sailin' to Virginia next month to gather some doubloons with his crew of scallywags - Bill and Hillary Clinton and Terry McAuliffe. 'Tis sure to be a jolly good time, full of political plunderin' and swashbucklin' antics! Aye, mateys!
May 27, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, Democratic scallywag Dean Phillips be admitting that the New York charges against Trump be blowin' up in their faces like a powder keg! 'Twas no salvation in sight for these landlubbers, just a whole mess of trouble on the horizon, arrr!
May 27, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been reported that Johnny Wactor, a mate from "General Hospital," was alas shot and sent to Davy Jones' locker in Los Angeles. His shipmates be mourning the loss of this fine actor who played Brando Corbin on the show. Fair winds and following seas, matey!
May 27, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr mateys! Singer Lizzo be havin' a fit on her Instagram and TikTok after them scallywags at "South Park" dared to mock her good name in their latest episode. Yarrr, she be showin' 'em who be the real queen of the seven seas!
May 27, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr! More warnings of whirlwinds in the Southern seas on Monday, as fierce storms from the past days claimed at least 18 souls. Shiver me timbers, mateys, batten down the hatches and prepare for a wild ride on the high seas!
May 27, 2024, 5:04 am
Arrr mateys! The Libertarian Party be settin' sail with Chase Oliver as their cap'n for the presidential election. 'Twas a fierce battle, seven rounds o' votin' 'fore they finally found their man. Let's hope he be bringin' the booty to the White House!
May 27, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrrr! Over 70 salty dogs, kin, and healers sent word to Florida Rep. Brian Mast that the scurvy Department of Veterans Affairs be denyin' access to outside care. Avast ye, 'tis a right shame! Fetch me my cutlass, we'll show those landlubbers who's boss!
May 27, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys, in a fresh scroll, a seasoned federal appeals court swashbuckler who once aimed for the Supreme Court be chattin' 'bout speakin' true and standin' free. A tale fit for a jolly ol' sea dog!
May 27, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, the scallywags in the railroad unions be squawking about them new-fangled remote-controlled trains causin' a ruckus. Seems they be makin' a mess o' things and causin' more mayhem than a barrel o' drunken pirates on shore leave!
May 26, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr mateys at the Wing Luke Museum be rebelling against the "Confronting Hate Together" exhibit, claimin' it be paintin' anti-Zionism as hateful. Me thinks they be wantin' to walk the plank for such tomfoolery! Aye, the sea be full of sharks and so be the museum staff!
May 26, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arr matey! The landlubber from Pennsylvanian be clashin' swords wit' them progressives o'er Israel, immigration an' energy, takin' on a more sour political visage an' losin' some o' his crew in the process. Avast ye, it be a treacherous sea o' politics indeed! Arrr!
May 26, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, Sen. Dan Sullivan be raisin' a ruckus o'er a ban on th' star-spangled banner in Denali Park! He be demandin' answers from th' Park Service scallywags, keen to know why they be messin' with Old Glory! Ye best be watchin' out, mateys!
May 26, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arr mateys, fear not! Trista Sutter be safe and sound, reunited with her scallywag of a husband. No need to worry about cryptic messages or missing lasses, for all be well in their pirate love story. Fair winds and following seas to the happy couple!
May 26, 2024, 3:24 pm
Arrr, the motley crew of jurors be standin' firm with the swashbucklin' performer, thumpin' their chests and declarin' the scurvy blogger a scallywag for spreadin' lies 'bout the artist showin' his booty at a pride bash in 2022. Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
May 26, 2024, 2:36 pm
Arrr! Shayne Patrick Burke, a swashbucklin' scallywag in the Army Reserve, be claimin' the attack be more fierce than a cannonball to the stern! Aye, he be sayin' 'twas more harrowing than a broadside o' musket fire! A tale fit for Davy Jones' locker, indeed!
May 26, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, the bigwig NATO leader Jens Stoltenberg be shoutin' for the U.S. to lift the chains on Ukraine's ships, so they can blast those Russian scallywags right in their own waters! Let the sea battles begin, me hearties!
May 26, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr! 'Tis be a fearsome storm that ravaged the lands of Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Texas, claimin' lives in its wake. Millions of landlubbers be quakin' in their boots as they await the wrath of more severe weather on the Sabbath. Yarrr!
May 26, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrrgh! Judge Michael Ponsor, a landlubber appointed by Bill Clinton, be talkin' 'bout the Justice Alito flag debauchery and claimin' it be dishonorable! Ye best be watchin' yer manners on them seas, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
May 26, 2024, 10:18 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The scurvy dogs of Hamas be firin' their cannons again at poor Israel, sending at least 8 of their cursed rockets from Rafah! 'Tis a dastardly deed indeed, may they be keelhauled for their treachery! Arrr!
May 26, 2024, 10:07 am
Arrr, this scallywag Trump be a right troublemaker! He be like a hornet's nest when ye poke 'im, always pointin' fingers and seekin' revenge on his foes. 'Tis a wonder he ain't walkin' the plank yet!
May 26, 2024, 8:37 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis the Russian scoundrels from the G.R.U. who be settin' fires to sabotage Ukraine's fightin' spirit! Keep a weather eye on those sneaky rascals, me hearties, and don't let 'em scupper our plans for victory! Arrr!
May 25, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arr mateys, the Libertarians be invitin' the former salty dog Donald J. Trump to speak at their gathering, causin' quite the ruckus among the crew. Methinks there be some stormy seas ahead as many be plannin' to show their displeasure. Ahoy, prepare to raise the Jolly Roger!
May 25, 2024, 5:06 pm
Avast, me hearties! A fair maiden hath stumbled upon o'er 2,150 pieces of silver in Kutná Hora, Czech Republic! Historians reckon this treasure was hidden during turbulent times. Arrr, 'tis a booty fit for a pirate queen! Aye, me timbers be shivering with excitement!
May 25, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arr mateys, a family's land ship in Maryland did burst into flames whilst they slumbered, causing a great commotion with windows shattering and airbags going off like cannons. 'Twas a sight to behold, caught on ye olde moving picture box. Aye, 'twas a shocking spectacle indeed!
May 25, 2024, 4:46 pm
Avast ye mateys! A land lubber from Salt Lake City hath met his demise after a mighty crash at a reservoir in Utah's East Canyon State Park on Wednesday. The rangers be tellin' us this sad tale in a press release. Yarrrrr!
May 25, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr mateys, Morgan Wallen's tavern in Nashville be delayin' its grand opening weekend! TC Restaurant Group be sayin' the construction on the bar be needin' more time to be shipshape. Looks like we'll be waitin' a bit longer for a pint of grog!
May 25, 2024, 11:49 am
If this scallywag Donald Trump be crowned leader, Richard Grenell be seekin' to steer the ship as secretary of state. But even his old captain be scratchin' his noggin at the lad's antics. Arrr, aye, tis a treacherous sea we sail!
May 25, 2024, 11:35 am
An' if ye be seekin' a sight o' the heavens ablaze with fiery hues at dusk, set sail fer lands like Florida an' Greece, where the sun be settin' in all its glory. Aye, 'tis a sight to behold, me hearties!
May 25, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be knowin' that the famous rogue Robert De Niro lent his voice to this week's Biden ad, spreadin' tales of Trump's treachery. But many a conservative be cryin' "hoax!" as they swab the decks of their disbelief!
May 25, 2024, 11:02 am
Arr mateys, ye scurvy dogs! Governor DeWine of Ohio be callin' a special session to make sure ol' President Biden be on the ballot. Avast ye, 'tis a strange world we be livin' in when politicians be worryin' 'bout such matters instead of findin' buried treasure! Arrr!
May 25, 2024, 10:42 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The constables be tryin' to scuttle the pro-Palestinian camp at the University of Virginia, but the wise professors be standin' strong to protect the young rapscallions. Aye, let the faculty regale us with tales of bravery and defiance on the high seas of academia!
May 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Food Network wench Anne Burrell be spillin' the beans on her "Killer Turkey Burger" recipe to Fox News Digital! She be addin' water chestnuts for a bit o' crunch. Shiver me timbers, this burger be fit for a pirate feast!
May 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye! The scallywags on MSNBC and them landlubber Democrats in New York be squawkin' like parrots about Trump's rally bein' "fake." Methinks they be needin' a good swig o' grog to clear their addled minds! Arrr!
May 25, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, President Biden be speakin' while the seas be roilin' with military strife, universities be riotin' on land, and a storm be brewin' in the White House as he be preparin' to face off with that scallywag Trump once more. Aye, it be a right drama on the horizon!
May 25, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dog be clingin' to his days of plunder and pillage like a barnacle to a ship's hull. As he faces the gallows in the court of Manhattan, he longs for the days of swindlin' and swashbucklin' when his reputation be as shiny as a doubloon.
May 25, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, in a foretellin' of tales to come, Mrs. Clinton be warnin' us that if that scallywag Trump be victor, we be doomed to never see another fair election again! Aye, the seas be rough and the winds be blowin' in a dire direction indeed!
May 25, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the Kentuckian be sailin' the political seas, tryin' to gather enough crew to support his cause afore he walks the plank. He be aimin' to go out with a bang, breakin' records like a true swashbuckler. Aye, me hearty!
May 25, 2024, 3:46 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The bilge rats from Georgia be sentenced to a year and a half in the brig for layin' hands on their wee lad. Bones be broken and eyes be bleedin', aye, justice be served on these landlubbers!
May 25, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr mateys, in the U.S. v Menendez trial, the scallywag was caught red-handed with loot aplenty! Gold bars, jewels, and doubloons galore hidden in his Jersey abode. The scurvy dog be in deep water now, aye!
May 24, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks some scallywags be wishin' to hear more from the Biden crew, whilst the G.O.P. Trump foes be huffin' and puffin'. But fear not, the Biden campaign be ready to set sail and give 'em what they be askin' for! Aye aye, Captain Biden!
May 24, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr mateys, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be makin' his plea to the Libertarian Party convention on Friday, joinin' the skirmish for them right-leanin', independent-minded scallywags. Aye, the political seas be a treacherous place indeed!
May 24, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, the old cap'n be makin' a right fool o' himself tryin' to win over the Black voters, especially the Black swashbucklers! 'Tis a sight to behold, watchin' him stumble through his attempts like a landlubber on a stormy sea!
May 24, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, Judge Mary Marlowe Sommer be settin' her sights on Alec Baldwin's first motion to dismiss his charge of involuntary manslaughter. The scallywag be tryin' two more times to escape the plank! Aye, the "Rust" star be fightin' like a feisty sea dog.
May 24, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The strange legal battles set forth on Friday be a sight to behold! They be stretchin' further than the seven seas in response to the growin' number of scurvy mass shootings in the Land o' the Free. Aye, what a tangled web we weave!
May 24, 2024, 5:25 pm
In a recent parley, the scurvy dog George Lucas be cursin' them landlubbers who be jawin' that his famous tale o' "Star Wars" be lackin' in variety. Ye best be watchin' yer tongue mateys, or ye might walk the plank! Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, in a grand showdown against the scallywag Syrian President Bashar Assad, three of his henchmen have been condemned by a Paris court to spend the rest of their days rotting in a dungeon for their misdeeds on the high seas. Aye, justice be served!
May 24, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, those Russian scallywags be stealin' our buoys like a bunch of landlubbers! This be an act of war, says the fancy EU chief. But we'll give 'em a taste of our Estonian fury and teach 'em a lesson they won't soon forget! Aye aye, matey!
May 24, 2024, 11:50 am
Arr, me hearties, the scallywags in Germany have nabbed two landlubbers plottin' a dastardly knife attack on ye worshipers at a synagogue! The scoundrels were caught red-handed on a Friday, bein' brought to justice by the authorities. Aye, justice be swift for these scallywags! Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis said that them scurvy dogs at the USA Today Network be removin' an op-ed by Sen. John Kennedy o' Louisiana about them transgender athletes. Looks like they be walkin' the plank for speakin' their minds! Aye, me hearties!
May 24, 2024, 11:43 am
Avast ye landlubbers! This scrumptious chicken salad be shared by a California scallywag of the food variety. It be said to have a secret ingredient that elevates the flavor to heights unknown! Give it a whirl at yer summer shindigs and beyond, me hearties! Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr matey! This here ad be usin' the actor's unique vocal chords to remind ye scallywags of the mayhem brought forth by Donald Trump's rule, and to caution ye against lettin' him plunder the land for another term. Aye, beware the second comin' of Trump!
May 24, 2024, 9:18 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be hearin' that the former cap'n be singin' the praises of Nikki Haley, his former foe in battle for the Republican crown. Aye, she be pledgin' her allegiance to him now, makin' for a right jolly turn of events!
May 24, 2024, 5:51 am
Avast ye scallywags! Me heart be heavy to report that rescuers be scouring through wreckage after a mighty explosion and fire at a chemical factory took the lives of at least nine souls and left 64 others injured. Aye, 'tis a sad day indeed in the land of the East India Company. Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 5:42 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Clearwater constables did clap Marie Rutherford in irons for cruelty to her four-legged companion. Her mutt was saved from a sweltering ship while she cavorted on the sandy shore. Aye, beware the wrath of the law!
May 24, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, the widow of a scallywag shot dead on a landlubber's ship seeks justice for his demise, while her legal matey doth proclaim that more ought to be done to protect the crew from a slew of villainous assaults. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail upon!
May 24, 2024, 5:33 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis said a land lubber met his demise at the hands of the law in New Caledonia during a frenzy of riots. A skirmish broke out when the officers were beset upon by a rowdy band of troublemakers. Aye, a sorry tale indeed!
May 24, 2024, 4:33 am
Arrr mateys! Donald Trump be talkin' to a motley crew o' land lubbers in New York City, makin' bold promises and cursin' President Biden and the scurvy migrant crisis. 'Twas a sight to behold, like watchin' a parrot tryin' to speak Latin!
May 24, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, many scallywags be facing inquiries from the crown, squabbles over lads and lasses misbehavin' — and the dreaded thought of the rumblings startin' anew come autumn. Aye, 'tis a rough sea we sail on, mateys!
May 24, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, it be said that Captain Trump be eyein' the Arkansas senator for first mate on his voyage to the White House. He be lookin' for a mate with skill and discipline to steer his ship through the treacherous waters of the election. Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis said Bryan Malinowski, a landlubber of the highest order, be the head honcho at the airport in Little Rock, Ark., peddlin' firearms like a scurvy pirate at a gun show. The king's men reckon he be breakin' the law! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, the scallywag Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. be causin' quite the uproar amongst the landlubbers! Will the American public see the Supreme Court's decisions on Jan. 6 as just and true, or will they be cryin' foul play like a bunch o' scurvy dogs? Aye, only time will tell!
May 23, 2024, 5:36 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! One brave soul be in dire straits, while two others be nursing wounds not from battle whilst on a mission to aid the needy in Gaza. Aye, tis a rough sea we sail on, but we'll weather the storm together, arrr!
May 23, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, the wise scholar Nate Silver be advising Captain Biden to abandon ship if he be flounderin' come late summer. Aye, 'tis a tale of woe for the good Captain, mayhaps he be needin' to walk the plank before he be sinkin' too deep into the briny deep.
May 23, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr mateys, a scurvy crew o' protesters tried t' make a new camp, but them scallywag police chased 'em off like rats abandonin' ship. They scuttled over t' an area by thar administrative quarters quicker than a bilge rat fleein' a sinking vessel. Ahoy!
May 23, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tricky matter indeed - trying to untangle the web of race and allegiance when charting the voting maps. The Black swashbucklers be leanin' towards the Democrats, but we must navigate wisely to find the right course! Aye!
May 23, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, the Republicans be sailin' in treacherous waters, tryin' to keep their sails steady while bendin' like a pretzel to support the cap'n they once scolded. 'Tis a sight to behold, me hearties, watchin' them contort and twist in the political winds!
May 23, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis a tale of a scallywag in Seattle who, after a chase, sought refuge in a dumpster. But the knave's strange request to the constables was surely a sight to behold! Ye must see the footage for yerselves, or ye'll be missing out on a grand jest!
May 23, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr! A scallywag for the lass who gave voice to ChatGPT's "Sky" be spillin' the beans, makin' the quarrel 'twixt Scarlet Johansson, OpenAI, and Cap'n Sam Altman even more tangled than a knotted rope on a stormy sea! Aye, the plot thickens like a fine stew!
May 23, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags from Northwestern, Rutgers, and UCLA be walkin' the plank next, accused of lettin' the cursed antisemitism run rampant on their campuses. The Republicans be lookin' to make 'em walk the plank for their crimes against the crown! Aye, tis a treacherous tale indeed!
May 23, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, the mighty bronc rider Spencer Wright and his kin be prayin' for young Levi's recovery after the lad took a spill into the cursed Utah River. May the winds of fortune be in his favor, lest we be forced to walk the plank in despair!
May 23, 2024, 11:31 am
Aye, the Kremlin mouthpiece be swearin' on Davy Jones' locker that Captain Putin and that scallywag Trump have never crossed paths. Methinks they be keepin' their secrets buried deeper than Blackbeard's treasure! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr mateys, Angela Stanton King, a loyal advisor to the fine independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr., be abandoning ship due to the wretched and hostile vibes aboard. Avast ye, the seas be rough with hate and division! Fare thee well, Angela!
May 23, 2024, 5:39 am
Arr matey, with less than six moons 'til the 2024 election, the use of A.I. in politics be more like a ghost ship than a treasure trove. "This be the parrot that never squawks," be what one adviser to a Democratic swashbuckler be sayin'! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The ruckus began with a scallywag's letter blamin' Israel for the Oct. 7 attacks. Now, 13 lads be walkin' the plank instead of crossin' the stage at graduation. Aye, the seas be rocky for these landlubbers!
May 23, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The scallywags from Northwestern, Rutgers, and the University of California, Los Angeles be walkin' the plank next, accused of toleratin' antisemitism by them Republican landlubbers. 'Tis a merry chase indeed!
May 23, 2024, 4:04 am
Ye scallywags! The mighty Rob Hale bestowed upon the 1,200 swashbucklers of the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth a treasure and demanded they pay it forward. 'Tis a true pirate's code, me hearties! Aye, let the givin' commence!
May 23, 2024, 3:45 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Twas a mighty gust of wind that sent poor Jorge Álvarez Máynez's stage to Davy Jones' locker, takin' nine souls with it and leavin' 63 scallywags injured. Aye, beware the wrath of Mother Nature at political gatherings, me hearties! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr mateys, ye scurvy dogs best be keepin' an eye out for the International Criminal Court, for they be huntin' down only them countries that have signed on or have wronged them that did sign on to the Rome Statute. Aye, beware the long arm of the law!
May 23, 2024, 2:37 am
Arrr, them Arizona senators hath given the nod to a law that allows the landlubbers in blue to nab any scallywags sneakin' in from Mexico. Ye best be watchin' yerself if ye plan on crossin' that thar border, lest ye end up in a cell fit for a pirate. Aye, matey!
May 22, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Rick Scott be joinin' the Republican Senate leadership election on Wednesday, makin' the race a right crowded affair! Aye, this be a battle fit for the high seas, with many a scallywag vying for the ultimate prize!
May 22, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, the prosecutor didst squabble fiercely with Judge Aileen Cannon o'er a trifling matter, whilst the case doth drag on at a snail's pace. Methinks they be needin' a swig o' rum to settle their differences and expedite this here trial!
May 22, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scallywags! In the midst of the plague they call COVID, the scoundrel Fauci's mate Morens be sending damning messages! He be sorry, but dodges questions like a slippery eel in a tense meeting with the Congress dogs! Aye, the plot thickens me hearties! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys! The Secretary of State Antony J. Blinken be returnin' from Kyiv with a stern message fer the president. He be sayin' we need to be lettin' Ukraine have a bit more freedom with them American arms. Aye, let's show 'em some pirate hospitality!
May 22, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywag writer and producer be accused in October of the year 2022 of layin' his hands inappropriately on five fair maidens, so says the prosecutors. Ye best keep a weather eye on yer crew, lest they be landin' in hot water too!
May 22, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arr mateys! The World Food Programme be cryin' for booty from generous souls as foul weather from El Niño be bringin' hunger to lands like Afghanistan and Zambia. Let's show 'em some pirate generosity and share our treasures to help those in need! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys, a band of 66 scallywags be suing the landlubbers runnin' the youth houses in Pennsylvania, claimin' they be subjected to mistreatment and abuse. Ye best believe those scurvy dogs be walkin' the plank for their despicable deeds! Aye, justice be served!
May 22, 2024, 11:48 am
Arr matey, House Speaker Mike Johnson be losin' four of his trusty shipmates just afore the big election in November 2024! Ye can bet he be scramblin' to find some new scallywags to fill their boots on deck. Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 11:43 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Bid adieu to sleepless nights with a fine new mattress ye can snatch on sale this Memorial Day weekend. No more tossing and turning like a jolly roger in a stormy sea! Set sail for sweet dreams! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags be tryin' to keep the land lubbers from settlin' in Florida without proper papers. They be wantin' to keep their treasures all to themselves, but we pirates ain't afraid of a little challenge! We'll find a way to plunder and pillage, ye can bet on that! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! Turbulence be like a sneaky sea serpent, causin' chaos in the skies. Beware the clear-air turbulence, ye canna see it comin' like a ghostly ship in the night. Keep a weather eye on the horizon, or ye may find yerself tossed about like a landlubber on rough seas!
May 22, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr mateys, thar be a tragedy in Greenfield, Iowa! Many souls be lost in a town o' 2,000 scallywags. The search be ongoin' as we speak, mayhaps ye find some survivors amongst the wreckage on Wednesday. Aye, the sea be cruel mistress indeed!
May 22, 2024, 10:46 am
Justine Payton found herself lured by the siren call of a Hare Krishna ashram, with promises of yoga, meditation, and meatless grub. Alas, she now be scratching her head, pondering where she went astray on this strange, veggie-filled journey. Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 9:39 am
Arrr mateys! Dorothy Jean Tillman II be makin' history as the wee babe to earn a doctoral degree in integrated behavioral health at Arizona State University. Shiver me timbers! She be one smart lassie, settin' sail on her academic journey. Aye, she be a true inspiration to us all!
May 22, 2024, 5:52 am
Avast ye mateys! The swashbucklers in Mexico's Guerrero state be tellin' tales of four scallywags and two wenches found strangled and stacked like loot in the streets of Acapulco. Arrr, seems even landlubbers can't escape the wrath of Davy Jones' locker!
May 22, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs in the U.S. be shoutin' about Russia havin' a space weapon! But our matey in charge of arms be sayin' it be all hogwash! No spyin' on other satellites be happenin' up there, says he! Aye, they be talkin' bilge, I reckon!
May 22, 2024, 5:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be askin' fer a criminal inquiry using a law that be givin' the Justice Department the power to prosecute dopin' offenses that happen outside the good ol' US of A! Shiver me timbers!
May 22, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! The decree be for 160,000 federal loan borrowers, and tis a jolly sum of $167 billion in debt bein' wiped clean by the administration. Aye, 'tis a fine plunderin' indeed for those lucky scallywags!
May 22, 2024, 4:04 am
Ye scurvy dog Guo Wengui be accused of bilking landlubbers out of a vast treasure worth over $1 billion! If caught, he be doomed to spend a lifetime behind bars, a fate worse than walking the plank! Avast ye, justice be served!
May 22, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywag Democrats be readyin' their cannons to fire upon the landlubber Republicans for tryin' to block the treasure of birth control fer all! 'Tis a battle of epic proportions on the political seas this election year, mark me words!
May 21, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Riley Keough be swingin' her cutlass and shoutin' from the crow's nest that Graceland ain't be up for grabs to the scallywags with the most booty! She be swearin' on Blackbeard's grave that Lisa Marie be owing a debt to Davy Jones afore she met her watery end! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:44 pm
Avast ye mateys! 'Twas a right old ruckus at the Harvard Club in San Francisco as Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi be interrupted by a scallywag protestin' against Israel. Aye, the seas be choppy indeed for this politickin' lass!
May 21, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr mateys, the Fox News Lifestyle Newsletter be bringin' ye all the latest tales o' family, travel, grub, friendly neighbors, furry companions, ships, swashbucklers, prayin' and true American virtues. Set sail with us and join the adventure!
May 21, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr mateys, the Congress be decrein' a sale o' gas durin' the summer sailin' season. But mark me words, it be havin' naught but a wee impact on the plunderin' prices o' gasoline. Aye, tis a jest fit for the jolly roger!
May 21, 2024, 5:12 pm
In the bustling town of Philadelphia, the vice president didst speak to loyal members of a mighty labor union, aiming to show a clear difference betwixt himself and the scallywag Trump, in hopes of winning over crucial voters to his cause. Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr mateys! 50 scallywags, including the former Captain Donald J. Trump, be facin' charges in four states for tryin' to keep the old sea dog in power after his ship went down in 2020. Avast ye, it be a mutinous affair indeed! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! Jennifer Garner be spillin' the beans on how she be dealin' with her lass Violet's upcoming high school send-off! Aye, she be navigatin' these turbulent waters with her old mate Ben Affleck by her side. Fair winds and smooth sailin', me hearties!
May 21, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye scallywags! Those landlubbers be interrupting a Senate powwow with Secretary Blinken, accursing him of war crimes and such! Methinks they be needin' more grog in their bellies to be talkin' such nonsense! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr matey! Ye must be havin' a gander at the 30-second moving pictures from Donald J. Trump's Truth Social account. It be showin' old timey papers suggestin' a Trump triumph in November. Aye, 'tis a jolly good jest indeed!
May 21, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ashley Monroe, 35, bein' a drunken scallywag, crashed into a group of 16 landlubbers, half bein' wee young scallywags, then fled like a cowardly bilge rat! Two poor souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, a tragic tale indeed!
May 21, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, France, Belgium, and Slovenia be joining forces with the International Criminal Court to chase after those scurvy Israeli government officials and Hamas leaders! 'Tis a battle o' the legal seas, me hearties! Let's see who walks the plank first!
May 21, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr mateys, them scallywags be tryin' to convince us to use votin' methods they've been trashin' for ages. Aye, good luck with that, ye landlubbers! We ain't fallin' for yer tricks!
May 21, 2024, 5:45 am
Avast ye mateys! Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the most powerful name in news delivered straight to yer inbox at daybreak. Don't be a scallywag, sign up or ye'll walk the plank! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, the landlubbers in the U.S. be cryin' foul over Russia's fancy space contraption! The scallywags at the UN couldn't even agree on a course o' action! Looks like we be havin' a celestial showdown on our hands, me hearties!
May 21, 2024, 5:39 am
Arr mateys, five loyal hounds o' th' Fire Department in Ecuador bein' granted a well-deserved retirement aft seven years o' loyal service. 'Twas a grand ceremony to honor 'em on Monday, says th' authorities. Aye, may they enjoy their golden years with plenty o' bones 'n belly rubs!
May 21, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, the captain be sailin' to New Hampshire to parley about carin' for the brave veterans plagued by toxic exposure. Aye, a matter close to his own heart and mayhaps his campaign's treasure map as well.
May 21, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, the Black and Latino swashbucklers of Section 14 be demandin' booty fer a dastardly attack on 'em in Palm Springs. They be seekin' reparations fer the treacherous deeds done 'gainst 'em on account o' their race. Aye, 'tis a tale o' injustice, me hearties!
May 21, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr! The President, Sian Leah Beilock, be summoning the constables after a scuffle broke out at a pro-Palestinian camp on campus! Aye, a bystander and a learned professor be getting themselves injured in the process. Avast ye, it be a right mess on the high seas of academia!
May 20, 2024, 11:44 pm
Arrr! The crew be throwin' doubloons at Captain Trump's ship and the Republican scallywags be fillin' their coffers in April, says the wise advisors. But beware, President Biden be sittin' on a mountain o' gold doubloons, ready to plunder at a moment's notice!
May 20, 2024, 5:44 pm
"Avast ye mateys! Sail from the lively port o' Baltimore to the tranquil shores o' Assateague Island, and behold the wondrous sights and treasures that make Maryland a treasure trove for all ye landlubbers. Aye, 'tis a state worth plunderin'!"
May 20, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arr! The scallywags of the Kosovar police be shutting down six branches of the Serbia-licensed Postal Savings Bank, all in the name of keeping the Serbian dinar off our shores! Shiver me timbers, I reckon they be serious about their coinage!
May 20, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr mateys, The Times hath uncovered papers revealin' the department's bungled FAFSA debut, despite warnings from the start that the project be needin' more focus. Aye, 'twas a mess of epic proportions! Avast ye, the seas be rough ahead!
May 20, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, the State Department be offerin' its official condolences for the unfortunate demise of two Iranian officials, includin' their president, who met their fate in a helicopter mishap on the day of the Sabbath. May they rest in Davy Jones' locker.
May 20, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, the prosecution be done with their jabberin'. And Trump, he be takin' a wee nap like a lazy land lubber. Aye, he be restin' his eyes like a sleepy seagull on a calm sea.
May 20, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, when them scallywags like Stalin or Castro or Kim Jong-il kick the bucket, the landlubbers in the United States be scratchin' their noggins tryin' to find the proper words to say. Aye, 'tis a conundrum fit for a pirate's parrot!
May 20, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, the scurvy prosecution be finishin' its prattlin' and the final gabbin' be settin' sail next week. Let's hope they don't be talkin' our ears off with their blatherin' and let us get back to pillagin' and plunderin'!
May 20, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me mateys! The mystical link between New York City and Dublin, known as the "Portal," be back in business after some scallywags caused a ruckus! Keep yer manners in check or ye'll be walkin' the plank!
May 20, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Geane Herrera, a former scallywag of the UFC and Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship, met his untimely demise at the ripe old age of 33. 'Tis said he met his fate in a clash of metal beasts known as a motorcycle crash. Farewell, matey!
May 20, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in Louisiana have gone and passed a policy that be tougher than a barnacle on a ship's hull! They be makin' a big fuss over them transgender folk, but I reckon they should be worryin' 'bout findin' some buried treasure instead!
May 20, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr! The constables be visitin' the lair of scallywag Rex Heuermann. 'Tis been a year since they threw him in the brig for the Gilgo affair. Watch out, me hearties, for this landlubber be no stranger to trouble!
May 20, 2024, 9:07 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags at the seafood chain be walkin' the plank, forced to trim their sails and part with their treasures. Aye, 'tis a rough sea they be sailin' on, but a pirate knows when to abandon ship and seek a new port o' call.
May 20, 2024, 5:52 am
On Monday our crew aimed to free the Dali, trapped by the debris of the accursed Francis Scott Key Bridge since last March. Here's to hoping our efforts are not in vain, for the treasure aboard must be worth a king's ransom!
May 20, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The new president of Taiwan, Lai Ching-te, be askin' fer peace with China in his grand speech. He be tellin' them scallywags in Beijing to stop makin' threats with their cannons and swords against the island. Let's hope they be listenin'!
May 20, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the government be sayin' that the dunes sagebrush lizard be in peril from all sorts o' modern shenanigans like energy plunderin' and climate tomfoolery. We best be keepin' an eye on these critters or risk walkin' the plank ourselves!
May 20, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be walkin' the plank fer speakin' words that be splittin' shipmates by race and makin' Black students feel less than gold doubloons at Morehouse College! Aye, a fine mess he be creatin' on the high seas!
May 20, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the judgment in the trial o' the former captain and presumptive Republican nominee, set to be announced this week, could tip the scale in this fierce competition for the treasure. Avast ye, me hearties, the winds be a-changin'!
May 20, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys! The National Democratic Redistricting Committee be teamin' up with Planned Parenthood Votes to support their scallywag candidates for the 2024 election! The state-level battles be heatin' up and these mateys be ready to make their mark on the high seas of politics! Arrr!
May 20, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Columbus, Ohio be havin' a mere 100 swashbucklin' homicides a year, but a plague hath brought a surge! With more pistols and lax laws, can the city set sail back to the good ol' days? Arrr!
May 19, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr! The mighty Mount Ibu be spewin' forth its fiery wrath, causin' a ruckus in seven villages forced to abandon ship within a 4-mile stretch o' land. The scallywags be scramblin' like scurvy dogs, fleein' from the geologic turmoil. Aye, a sight to behold!
May 19, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, Morehouse College be cheerin' its scallywag students fer showin' some sass by turnin' their backs to President Biden durin' his speech! Aye, those lads be makin' a statement louder than a cannon blast on the high seas! A toast to their boldness!
May 19, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag tried to spoil our merriment at Jerry Seinfeld's show, but we showed him the plank and sent him packin'! Booed and banished, he be no match for us hearty jesters! Onward with the laughs, me hearties!
May 19, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that Kevin Costner be partin' ways with his fair maiden after 18 years at sea together. Now he be settin' his sights on a new treasure, the fair maiden Jewel. Ahoy, the winds of love be ever changin'!
May 19, 2024, 4:06 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in charge be settin' the rules for a retreat that the Biden crew revealed last moon, after a band o' mutinous sea dogs stole Niger's cap'n last summer. Aye, the seas be full o' surprises these days!
May 19, 2024, 4:04 pm
Arr matey, the president's visit to the Black college in Atlanta did stir up a bit of a commotion, with some scallywags voicing their displeasure over the Yanks' backing of Israel's skirmish in Gaza. Aye, 'twas a sight to see!
May 19, 2024, 2:54 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs from the G7 be workin' on a grand plan to line their pockets before the big powwow with the leaders next month. Mayhaps they be plannin' to plunder the seven seas for treasure to fill their coffers! Arrr!
May 19, 2024, 2:50 pm
Arrr mateys, as the scorching sun beat down upon the land, the electric scallywags be promisin' to restore power by Sunday's end. But alas, them poor souls in the worst of the storm may be left in the dark for days to come. Aye, the pirate's life be full of surprises!
May 19, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, the president's visit to the Black college in Atlanta be met with some grumblin' and groanin' o'er his support for Israel's skirmish in Gaza. 'Twas a sight to see, indeed! Ye could practically hear the rumble of dissent in the air. Aye, 'twas a lively display, me hearties!
May 19, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr mateys, the courts be ponderin' if them wigs be discriminatin' against our Black brethren. They be thinkin' of takin' away our beloved headpieces. What next, no parrots on the shoulder? Avast ye, it be a travesty!
May 19, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr! 'Tis been told that a Texas town near Houston be overrun with a swarm of blood-thirsty mosquitoes, all due to the cursed effects of climate change, says a local scallywag. Ye better be prepared to fend off these pesky critters, ye landlubbers! Aye, pass the rum!
May 19, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ye won't believe it, but ol' Sean 'Diddy' Combs be speakin' out 'bout a scuffle with his lass on the moving pictures! He be claimin' to be right disgusted with his own actions. Avast, me mateys, the drama be thick as a barrel o' rum!
May 19, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye scallywags! The president's visit to the Black college in Atlanta hath caused quite the stir amongst the students. Many be unhappy with the U.S. backing of Israel in the war o'er in Gaza. Methinks there be some discontent brewin' on campus, arrr!
May 19, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrrr! Avast ye scallywags! If ye be feelin' the "milestone FOMO" from missin' yer graduation, fear not! Seek counsel from the wise mental health experts to navigate these choppy emotional waters. Remember, there be plenty o' plunder left to seize on the horizon!
May 19, 2024, 4:00 am
Ye scurvy dogs from Congress to City Hall be gettin' threats o' violence like never before! 'Tis makin' 'em shake in their boots and changin' how they go 'bout their duties. Aye, 'tis a dangerous time to be a public official, methinks! Arrr!
May 19, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys, a swashbucklin' horde o' new landlubbers be sailin' in, but those with a right to seek refuge be stranded wit' no legal scallywag to keep 'em from walkin' the plank back to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, 'tis a right rum do!
May 19, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum be lackin' the "wow factor" to sail alongside former President Trump as his matey. The scallywags be talkin', but we'll see if he be walkin' the plank or not!
May 19, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The word be spreadin' that churches and synagogues be lookin' for armed guards to protect 'em from scallywags! Seems like the landlubbers be gettin' nervous with all the pillagin' and plunderin' goin' on these days! Aye, me hearties!
May 18, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr mateys! Florida fisherman, Owen Prior, didst land a 12-foot tiger shark last weekend wit' the help o' his scurvy dogs. He declared 'twas a record fer him with that type o' shark. Aye, 'twas a right proper haul, if ye ask me!
May 18, 2024, 5:31 pm
Yarr, he be a swashbucklin' scallywag who took down 16 enemy birds in battle o'er Europe. Once the war be done, he became one of America's finest test pilots durin' the "Right Stuff" days. Aye, he be a true legend of the sky!
May 18, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr! The fair maiden, Jessica Biel, be tellin' tales of nearly abandonin' the treacherous shores of Hollywood afore findin' success in "The Sinner"! Aye, 'twas a close call, but now she be a swashbucklin' star both on and off the screen!
May 18, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arr, the scallywags from the University of Pennsylvania police did round up a bunch of troublemakers after a swarm of landlubbers invaded a campus building and tried to lay claim to it. Ye best be watchin' out for them protestin' ruffians!
May 18, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The lass from New York be settin' sail to speak in Israel's Parliament. Aye, she be aimin' to take advantage of them scallywag Democrats' quarrels, makin' her the top dog amongst House Republicans. May the winds of politics blow in her favor!
May 18, 2024, 3:43 pm
Arrr! The scallywag been dodging the authorities for weeks, but they finally caught up to him as he was sailin' away from his 80th birthday bash. He be walkin' the plank to court on Tuesday, arrr! Aye, the old sea dog be in deep waters now!
May 18, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr matey, a scallywag traveler did use the tower as an anchor to free a landship stuck in the muck at the national park in California. Aye, 'twas a sight to see, aye! Ye'd think 'twas a pirate ship in need of rescue!
May 18, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, these swing state scallywags be tellin' the New York Times why they be jumpin' ship from ol' President Biden to the former cap'n Trump in 2024. Methinks they be swayed by the siren song of the orange pirate once more! Aye, the political winds be ever changin'!
May 18, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, the scurvy dogs of the Los Angeles District Attorney's office be speakin' up about that scuffle 'twixt Sean "Diddy" Combs and Cassie Ventura caught on film. The sea dogs be weighin' in on the matter, keepin' a close eye on the situation, arrr!
May 18, 2024, 11:30 am
Avast ye mateys! Bill Maher be squawking like a parrot about President Biden's sudden urge to parley. Methinks he be cryin' foul, claimin' it means he be on the brink o' defeat! Arrr, the political seas be churnin' with drama!
May 18, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr matey, the Sheriff be singin' praises for a brave soul who showed no mercy to a scallywag invader! With a swift stab, he sent the villain to Davy Jones' locker after the scallywag shot his fair maiden in the visage! Aye, justice be served!
May 18, 2024, 8:59 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis a strange tale indeed! Sailors cryin' for help turned into a wild protest, akin to swashbucklers believin' the election bein' plundered by scallywags. Aye, 'tis a fine mess we find ourselves in!
May 18, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, the Virginia governor be sayin' nay to them scallywag Democrats tryin' to change the way we remember our Confederate history. Methinks he be holdin' fast to tradition like a true buccaneer! Aye, the past be a tricky sea to navigate, mateys!
May 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys be tellin' the President Biden that he be talkin' out o' both sides o' his mouth! Praisin' Brown v. Board o' Education one minute, but forgettin' 'bout his past support for school segregation the next. Walk the plank, ye hypocritical landlubber!
May 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Aye mateys, the idea of reparations be causin' quite the stir amongst the landlubbers! Cities and states be arguin' over whether to hand out treasure to Black Americans. Arrr, tis a debate fit for a pirate's parley!
May 18, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the scallywag president's trial be showin' his true colors: he be carin' more 'bout loyalty, looks, fame, and makin' his mates do his dirty work like a scurvy bunch o' bullies! Aye, a pirate's life be full o' twists and turns!
May 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywag Majd Kamalmaz be vanished in Syria in 2017. American officials be tellin' his kinfolk that they have intelligence suggestin' he be sleepin' with the fishes. Aye, 'tis a sad tale indeed!
May 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, his close victory in 2020 be a tellin' sign of Georgia's rise to the battlefield. But in 2024, President Biden be facin' a whole new storm in them waters. Watch out, me hearties! The tides be a-changin'!
May 18, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Them landlubbers in America be breathin' in cancer-causin' chemicals whilst they be sailin' the highways. The wise men of the sea be warnin' of this danger, so beware, ye scallywags!
May 17, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr! The landlubbers in charge be sayin' they don't be wantin' our cannons and spyglasses used to attack our Russian foes. Aye, they be wantin' to keep the peace, but methinks they be better off worryin' 'bout their own ships sailin' straight!
May 17, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' of China and Russia makin' swift moves in the heavens. The United States be scramblin' to build a mighty force to wage war amongst the stars. Looks like we be settin' sail for a celestial showdown! Aye, the skies be gettin' crowded!
May 17, 2024, 5:29 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis with a heavy heart that I must inform ye that Dabney Coleman, the star of "Yellowstone" and "9 to 5", has shuffled off this mortal coil at the ripe old age of 92. His daughter Quincy Coleman hath confirmed his passing at his Santa Monica abode on Thursday. Fair winds and following seas, Dabney!
May 17, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, this bloke be a well-known swashbuckler in the world of forensics, and a regular sight on the ol' picture box. Not to mention, he be a mighty force in the land of Pennsylvania Democrats. Ye best watch yer back, mateys!
May 17, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywag Gary Allen Srery be causin' a ruckus in Canada in the 70s, hidin' from the law like a true landlubber. Now they be connectin' him to the deaths of 4 poor lasses. The seas be a treacherous place indeed!
May 17, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Many ports that were deserted during the plague be teemin' once more with scallywags and landlubbers. But alas, poor Portland be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship. Three years in a row of dwindlin' souls, aye, they be in a tough spot, by Blackbeard's beard!
May 17, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr! Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas has declared that more scallywags be sailin' across the southern border under President Biden than under Trump. 'Tis a grand treasure hunt indeed! Aye, me hearties, buckle yer swash and prepare for a wild ride on the high seas! Arrr!
May 17, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr mateys, the African National Congress party be ruling South Africa since the end of apartheid three decades past. But alas, the scallywags be predictin' they'll be gettin' less than 50% of the national vote. Aye, the tides be turnin' for these landlubbers!
May 17, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, Alec Baldwin's scurvy lawyers be plead'n for their motion to dismiss his charge of involuntary manslaughter in a virtual hearing on the cursed "Rust" movie shooting. Methinks they be walkin' the plank with this one! Aye, may the winds of justice blow in their favor, says I!
May 17, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr mateys, let us all agree to be better prepared fer helpin' others in times o' need. We must band together like a crew o' pirates, ready to face any danger that may come our way. Fair winds and following seas to ye all!
May 17, 2024, 11:14 am
Avast ye scallywags! Lara Trump and Kevin Sorbo be spoutin' off 'bout traditional values with wee ones this weekend in Florida. They be readin' from their new children's tales published by Brave Books. Arrr, come join the fun or walk the plank!
May 17, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scoundrel behind a devilish scheme to use false electors in states where Donald J. Trump be bested in 2020 has been caught red-handed! This landlubber be one of 18 scallywags facing justice in the Arizona court! Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
May 17, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs be sayin' that them suspected landlubbers be blowin' up a lassie's school in a place where them Taliban scallywags used to roam. The blasted attack happened on a fine Friday, shiver me timbers!
May 17, 2024, 5:40 am
Arr mateys! The good folk from the affected towns be setting sail for the grand city of Washington to plead for the renewal of the Radiation Exposure Compensation Act afore it meets its untimely demise this summer. Avast ye lawmakers, lest ye want to walk the plank! Arrr!
May 17, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs in Japan's parliament have made a change to the civil code! Divorced parents now have the option of sharin' custody of their young scallywags. 'Tis to be in effect by 2026, they say. Avast ye, mateys! Joint custody be on the horizon!
May 17, 2024, 5:11 am
Ye scurvy dogs! The landlubbers in charge be cancelin' classes and leavin' us without power! Arrr, 'tis gonna be a long wait afore we see the light again. Keep a weather eye out, me hearties!
May 17, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr mateys, the screechin' bugs be makin' a racket as loud as a thunderin' cannon! The landlubbers be dividin' betwixt joy and pluggin' their ears. Take a gander at these critters makin' a clamor like no other on the seven seas!
May 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr, President Biden be tryin' to strike a grand bargain with Israel and the Saudis, but those pesky Israelis be standin' in the way like a stubborn barnacle on a ship's hull. They need to be swayed or we'll be stuck in the doldrums forever!
May 17, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, in the land of Montana, the scallywags known as Republicans be tryin' to label Senator Jon Tester as a scallywag sellout, whilst their own scallywag Tim Sheehy be under the looking glass for believability and how he got himself a shot wound! Aye, what a jolly ol' mess!
May 16, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, seasoned scallywags from both sides be dishin' out their wisdom fer the presidential contenders ahead o' their scheduled duels in June and September. Mayhaps they'll be learnin' a thing or two from these old sea dogs!
May 16, 2024, 5:26 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The cursed bird flu be wreaking havoc amongst our bovine companions in the States. The CDC and WebMD be teaming up to give us a live-streamed jolly roger of what be happenin' with this outbreak. Yarrr!
May 16, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr mateys, two scallywags from Jordan be caught tryin' to sneak onto a Marine base in Virginia. They be now locked up in federal custody, awaitin' their fate. Ye can't just waltz onto a military base without a proper invitation, ye landlubbers!
May 16, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, London be givin' the ol' heave-ho to the Russian spy matey, so Russia be returnin' the favor by sendin' Britain's spy on a one-way trip outta here! Fair winds and following seas, ye scurvy dogs!
May 16, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr mateys, a topsy-turvy flag, hoisted by Trump's loyalists in protest of Biden's win, fluttered o'er the justice's yard whilst the Supreme Court pondered an election squabble. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold, fit for a merry jest amongst the scallywags of politics!
May 16, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag Daniel S. Perry be walkin' the plank for sendin' a protester to Davy Jones' locker durin' a Black Lives Matter showdown in Austin! Walk the plank, ye landlubber! Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
May 16, 2024, 11:51 am
Ye scallywags, behold as two California mayors did engage in a fierce duel on the electronic waves after the constables intervened at the University of California, Irvine. 'Twas a battle of words betwixt them as anti-Israel rebels clashed with the law. Aye, a tale as old as time!
May 16, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, the U.S. Treasury be tellin' Oleg Deripaska he can't be playin' fast and loose with the gold doubloons. But ol' Oleg just laughed in their faces and said, "Ye can't touch me, ye scallywags!" Yarrr!
May 16, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr, them scallywags from the Democrats be scratchin' their heads over Biden's Israel dealings! First they be halting a sale, then suddenly they be jumpin' back on board with a new weapons package! Tis a real head-scratcher for those landlubbers!
May 16, 2024, 11:38 am
Avast ye, mateys! Republican Rep. Jim Jordan be sendin' a letter to the New York Attorney General, demandin' papers about the scallywag, Matthew Colangelo, in the NY v. Trump case. Aye, the seas be gettin' choppy for that prosecutor! Arrr!
May 16, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, the scallywags be up in arms o'er the landlubber's plans to rebuild that blasted NATO site in Belgrade! The government be walkin' the plank with this one, mateys! Aye, the critics be shoutin' from the crow's nest, "Shiver me timbers, this be madness!" Yaarrrr!
May 16, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys, a verdict against the bureau, the Consumer Financial Plunderin' Bureau, might have thrown all their rules and punishments into question. Shiver me timbers, 'twould be a mess of confusion and chaos on the high seas!
May 16, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr matey! This scallywag of a governor be playin' both sides o' the plank! He be vetoing abortion laws in his own ship, but claimin' to be "pro-choice" on the high seas! He be talkin' 'bout supportin' a federal law for the lasses to have access to the procedure. Aye, he be a real landlubber!
May 16, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr mateys! Japan and the U.S. be teaming up to craft a grand new weapon defense system to swat away those pesky hypersonic weapons from rival scallywags on the high seas. Aye, a grand alliance indeed!
May 16, 2024, 5:44 am
Arrr mateys! Gov. Gavin Newsom of the cursed land of California be gettin' a right good ribbin' from them scurvy conservatives for claimin' his realm be a model for fightin' homelessness. Methinks they be talkin' out of their barnacle-covered behinds!
May 16, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, the Chinese leader Xi Jinping be swearin' by the stars to stand by his matey, the Russian President Vladimir Putin, with no bound'ries in their pact. Aye, they be like two peas in a plunderin' pod!
May 16, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr me hearties! Fer nigh on 40 years, the Commission on Presidential Debates has been settin' the rules fer the biggest political showdowns. But this year, both scallywags be givin' 'em the old heave-ho! Avast ye, it be a mutiny on the debate seas!
May 16, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr mateys, the Judiciary and Oversight Committees be mullin' over what to do about Merrick B. Garland's refusal to hand over the precious audio of a chat betwixt the special counsel and President Biden. 'Tis a scandalous affair! Aye, we must plunder for the truth!
May 16, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, the likes of Mitch McConnell and his crew be clamoring for more gold for the military, while the Democrats be demanding their fair share for the land lubbers! Aye, 'tis a battle of the budget that be fit for a pirate's plunder!
May 16, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, ye scallywags be squabblin' 'bout the Democratic Party not supportin' Black female candidates. But come November, we may see a grand spectacle as the number of Black women in the Senate be doubled! Avast ye, 'tis a jolly good show indeed!
May 15, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr matey, a scallywag in California be lookin' to change the law so local lawmen can help the immigration authorities. Ye can't be playin' both sides like a two-faced landlubber! Stick to yer laws or walk the plank! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The first squabble be happenin' in late June on CNN, and the second be comin' in early September on ABC News. Grab yer popcorn and prepare fer the battle of the witless landlubbers! Aye, let the debates begin!
May 15, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arr matey, the Fox News Health Newsletter be bringin' ye all the latest tales o' health warnings, pill shortages, and mind maladies in this here weekly recap. So hoist the anchor and set sail to a healthier life, ye scurvy dogs!
May 15, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, mateys! The HCR 2060 in Arizona be at a standstill, thanks to a scallywag Republican State Senator! He be arguin' to keep the protections for them DACA recipients. Ye can bet there be some fierce debate happenin' on the high seas of politics!
May 15, 2024, 5:31 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The tale be the same as in 2020, but the plot twists be as wild as a drunken sailor on shore leave. The storylines be flipped on their heads like a plank-walking landlubber! Aye mateys, prepare to be flabbergasted!
May 15, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arr matey, this bloke be servin' as a officer, but then turned into a scallywag fightin' against war! In '71, he chucked his shiny medals overboard durin' a protest in Washington! A true rebel yell, says I! Aye, he be a real pirate of peace!
May 15, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys, in the South China Sea, brave Filipino seafarers and fisherfolk did set sail to lay claim to a disputed shoal, whilst Chinese scallywags kept a close watch on 'em. 'Twas a showdown fit for a grand tale of adventure on the high seas!
May 15, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! The independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be changin' his tune on full-term abortion after a rowdy chat with Sage Steele. Seems the lass be persuadin' him to see things a wee bit differently. Aye, the winds of change be blowin'!
May 15, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr! This scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be claimin' that Biden and Trump be shiverin' in their boots at the thought o' facin' him in debate. Methinks he be talkin' out o' his aft castle! Let the best mate win, I say!
May 15, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, 'tis a mighty strain on our crew at Columbia University, says President Minouche Shafik. The scurvy dogs be causin' quite a ruckus with their anti-Israel protests, makin' things rough for our Jewish shipmates. Aye, 'tis a right mess we be in!
May 15, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, me hearties! The first skirmish be set for June 27 on CNN, markin' the start of what could be the earliest general-election bickering in modern history. Prepare ye sails for a wild and woolly voyage through the seas of political discourse!
May 15, 2024, 11:14 am
Arr, the scribe o' state, a seasoned minstrel, plucked at his strings to accompany a tune selected to highlight a key message o' Cap'n Biden's foreign affairs.
May 15, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Mr. Klain set sail from the White House and now be the chief legal officer at Airbnb. He be plannin' to take a holiday from his duties to lend a hand to President Biden. Aye, he be a busy scallywag indeed!
May 15, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr mateys, many o' the moving pictures be tryin' to win over them right-wing scallywags with false tales 'bout Cap'n Biden, say the wise ones. But beware, me hearties, for these be naught but tricks o' the digital sea! Aye, beware!
May 15, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr mateys, Lawrence Wong, a landlubber turned politician, be takin' the helm as Singapore's fourth prime minister, followin' in the wake of Lee Hsien Loong. Aye, he be a swashbucklin' economist trained in the ways of the U.S., ready to chart a new course for our fair land.
May 15, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr! The scallywag Antony Blinken be catchin' heat fer playin' Neil Young's shanty 'Rockin' in the Free World' in a tavern in Ukraine! The landlubbers be callin' him out fer his musical choices, but he be sailin' on despite their criticism.
May 15, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr mateys, the message to Congress about the deal while the captain be holdin' back other weapons be a tricky dance the administration be dancin' with our loyal ally. Tis a fine line they be treadin' on, mayhaps they be needin' a compass to find their way! Aarrgghh!
May 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis said that Karen Read be accused of slayin' her beau, Officer John O'Keefe. But her scurvy lawyers claim she be innocent, cryin' foul play to keep the true tale of his demise under wraps!
May 14, 2024, 11:45 pm
Avast, me hearties! The Prince George's County executive be settin' sail to face Larry Hogan, the swashbucklin' former two-term governor, in a race that could decide which party rules the Senate. May the winds be in their favor, arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:08 pm
Arrr mateys, if Angela Alsobrooks be victorious in her Maryland voyage against Larry Hogan, she'd be the third Black wench to rule the Senate seas. And that Nikki Haley lass be garnering votes like treasure! Avast, the political waters be choppy indeed!
May 14, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, word on the high seas be that the Biden crew be settin' sail once more to send a hefty bounty of weapons worth a billion gold coins to Israel. They be havin' second thoughts about Rafah, but it seems the treasure be still on its way!
May 14, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, Lauren Handy, the wench whose abode be filled with the remains of wee babes, be sentenced to 57 moons in the brig for blockading a health clinic. May she learn her lesson in the belly of the beast! Aye, the seas be a harsh mistress indeed.
May 14, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr! The F.A.A. be at odds with their crew o'er movin' 'em from New York to Philadelphia. Senator Chuck Schumer be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst the scheme. Methinks this be a battle worth watchin', mateys!
May 14, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr! The scallywags in the Vermont legislature have set forth a mighty decree to rein in those swindling companies from plundering our online treasures! Aye, 'tis a grand day for all ye land lubbers worried about yer precious personal data!
May 14, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the scurvy crew tinkered with the ship's electric contraptions afore it set sail. Ye may as well be messin' with the rum supply! Avast ye, lest we be sinkin' 'fore the plunderin' begins!
May 14, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr mateys! 'Twas a jolly good jest when a scallywag activist claimed he be responsible for luring two blokes with the same moniker as the Democratic bigwig Bob Ferguson to join the gubernatorial rumble in Washington. Shiver me timbers, what a hullabaloo!
May 14, 2024, 11:49 am
Arr, me hearties! Former Cap'n Trump's loyal crew, with Vivek Ramaswamy by his side, did gather in court this Tuesday. They boldly stood outside, cursing the "sham" trial like a scurvy dog. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr mateys, Kevin Costner spilled the beans on the scandalous secrets of the "Yellowstone" ship! Rumor has it there be more drama behind the scenes than a mutiny on the high seas. Delayed we be, but entertained we shall be! Aye, the truth be out!
May 14, 2024, 11:42 am
Ahoy mateys! A scallywag Instacart driver in Georgia be tellin' tales on TikTok after failin' to deliver wings to a state prison. 'Twas meant for a "death row inmate feast," but alas, the poor souls be left hungry. Ye can't make this up, me hearties! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr mateys! The trial o' the former president be a spectacle o' sorts, where scallywags be scramblin' t' prove their loyalty to Cap'n Trump. 'Tis a test o' allegiance, where only the most devoted swashbucklers be passin' muster. Jolly good show, I say!
May 14, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, the words from both parties show a bit o' squabble over what the contract be demandin'. One be sayin' this, the other be sayin' that. Mayhaps they be needin' a parrot to translate their gibberish! Aye, the seas be rough with these landlubbers!
May 14, 2024, 10:30 am
May 14, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, the scallywags in Hong Kong be shoutin' for other nations to be treatin' their trade offices with respect! One o' their own crew members in London be gettin' caught up in a bit o' trouble across the pond. Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
May 14, 2024, 5:39 am
Avast ye mateys! Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news delivered straight to yer inbox every mornin'. Don't be a landlubber, sign up now or walk the plank! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 5:36 am
In the year 2023, troubles and calamities hath sent a mighty 76 million souls scurrying like rats within their own lands, as reported by a group of keen-eyed migration watchers. Arrr, 'tis a right mess we find ourselves in, me hearties!
May 14, 2024, 4:17 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The cap'n be plannin' to levy more gold upon the Chinese booty to help our own land flourish! 'Tis like stealin' their treasure chest, but legal-like. Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed, followin' in the footsteps of the mighty Trump. Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the honorable Judge Scott McAfee be gallivantin' about like a scurvy pirate on a treasure hunt afore the May 21 election. And all the while, keepin' a weather eye on the scallywag Trump's election shenanigans. May the winds be in his favor!
May 14, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! Will the scallywags in Maryland give their support to a former Capitol Police officer? Can a moderate congressman outwit a conservative challenger in Nebraska? We be keepin' a weather eye on Tuesday's primaries for the answers! Avast ye!
May 13, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The upcoming House primary be a busy brawl, with a Capitol Police officer and salty old sea dogs fightin' for the treasure. Will they be the saviors of democracy or walk the plank? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 13, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Vivek Ramaswamy be joinin' forces with the infamous former President Trump in a court showdown in Lower Manhattan on Monday! Avast ye, it be a battle royale fit for the history books!
May 13, 2024, 5:20 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The ex-President Trump be cursin' Judge Juan Merchan as a bilge rat! Michael Cohen be spewin' tales in court while Trump be flappin' his trap like a parrot on a pirate ship! Aye, 'tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
May 13, 2024, 5:15 pm
Ahoy mateys! Timothy Priddy, a scallywag from West Virginia, be walkin' the plank on a year of probation for tellin' tall tales 'bout invoices from a company claimin' to have tested the state for the dreaded COVID. Beware the wrath of the law, ye landlubber! Arrrr!
May 13, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr mateys, the smoky haze from them wildfires in Canada be settlin' over Minnesota and parts of Wisconsin this Sunday and Monday. But fear not, says the wise experts, the air in our fair nation's middle be not as foul as last summer's stench. Avast!
May 13, 2024, 4:47 pm
Methinks this Henry Cuellar be a scallywag of humble beginnings, yet now revels in the spoils of power that come with his lofty position. Aye, he hath come a long way from swabbing the decks to lording over the land lubbers in Washington! Arrr!
May 13, 2024, 11:49 am
Arr matey! Maj. Harrison Mann be swearin' that workin' for the Defense Intelligence Agency be makin' him do things against his moral code. Ahoy, he be feelin' like a scallywag in a sea of treachery!
May 13, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! Many a port in the new world be gettin' pieces o' gold from the opium trade, but the landlubbers in charge be scratchin' their heads tryin' to figure out what to do with the loot. Avast!
May 13, 2024, 11:41 am
"Arrr mateys, Jennifer Lawrence, known fer her roles in "Hunger Games" and "Silver Linings Playbook", took a swing at Vice President Mike Pence at the GLAAD Media Awards on May 11. She be a feisty lass, not afraid to show some sass!"
May 13, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast ye scallywags! Three souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker, while three others be left wounded after a swift vessel met its demise upon a cursed curb, a power mast, and a grand edifice in the land of California. Arrr, beware the treacherous roads, mateys!
May 13, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys, King Charles be bestowin' the title of Colonel-in-Chief upon Prince William, while poor Prince Harry be left in the wind. 'Tis a scandalous affair indeed! Aye, the winds of fate be blowin' in strange directions in the court of royals!
May 13, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, dozens of cases be in question, as notes from jury selection in a murder case o' the 1990s suggest them scurvy prosecutors be tryin' to keep the Jews off the jury. Shiver me timbers, seems like they be playin' dirty tricks!
May 13, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr! The scallywag president and his crew be likening the polls to a broken compass, claimin' that the real treasure lies on Election Day, yonder in the distant horizon. Aye, they be ignorin' the signs like a blind lookout on a stormy night!
May 13, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, the scallywags at the United Nations be changing their tune about them numbers in Gaza! They be admittin' that the data from them landlubber Hamas ain't worth a bucket of bilge water. Aye, the truth be as slippery as a squid on a ship deck!
May 13, 2024, 5:32 am
"Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis John Ratzenberger, the jolly swashbuckler from "Cheers" and "Toy Story," who be tellin' Fox News Digital that he be standin' by former President Trump, for the man knows a thing or two about buildin' treasure chests o' gold! Har, har, har!"
May 13, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr mateys, gather 'round and hear ye tales of the day from the mightiest source of news delivered straight to ye electronic letter box at dawn. Get all the scuttlebutt from the seas in one convenient missive. Aye, 'tis a fine way to start yer day!
May 13, 2024, 5:18 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Twas a fine ruckus outside the shindig in Los Angeles, as them pro-Palestinian rapscallions clashed with the constables and security dogs. One poor soul got himself clapped in irons, aye, for causing a bit of a disturbance! Arrr!
May 13, 2024, 4:50 am
Avast ye mateys, a fierce storm be messin' with the contraptions o' these land lubbers, makin' 'em unable to sow their crops. Shiver me timbers, the seaweed must be jealin' o' the farmer's troubles on dry land!
May 13, 2024, 4:11 am
Arrr, 'twas a grand sight, me hearties! The smoke from the wildfires did billow forth like the breath of a mighty dragon, settin' the skies ablaze with its fiery dance. 'Twas a spectacle fit for a pirate's eye, indeed!
May 13, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the court be condemnin' the violation of Landor's religious freedom, yet denyin' him the right to sue them bilge rats of prison officials! 'Tis a fine kettle o' fish they be servin' us, aye!
May 12, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr! A hundred scurvy dogs turned tail and walked the plank during Gov. Glenn Youngkin's speech at Virginia Commonwealth University! 'Twas a mutiny of epic proportions, leaving the governor high and dry on his pirate ship of speech! Aye, the seas of academia be treacherous indeed!
May 12, 2024, 5:36 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Three landlubbers in Orlando, Florida were clapped in irons after causing a ruckus on Interstate 4 by Disney World. They used two banners to block the path, but the law caught up with 'em quick as a pirate's plunder! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr! The buccaneer senator from Arkansas be claimin' that the battle between Israel and Hamas would ne'er have come to pass if Captain Trump were still at the helm. Avast! Methinks 'tis a bold claim indeed! Yarrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Sen. Lindsey Graham be warnin' that if President Biden be holdin' back on sendin' more weapons to Israel, he be givin' a pat on the back to them scurvy dogs of Hamas! Aye, 'tis a fine mess we find ourselves in, indeed!
May 12, 2024, 4:49 pm
Avast ye! After the comedian's departure, the scallywag, known for his love of Israel, decided to inject a bit o' humor into his commencement address. Aye, he be crackin' jokes to lighten the mood, like a parrot on a pirate's shoulder! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 1:54 pm
Arrr! The scallywags on the House Oversight Committee be fightin' back against the Republican dogs barkin' at President Biden! They be throwin' their own cannons of accusations, makin' for a right jolly good show on the political seas. Aye, pass the rum!
May 12, 2024, 1:49 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs at the Justice companies be known for avoidin' payin' their debts, but it seems the curse o' the debt collectors be comin' to haunt 'em now. Aye, it be a fine day for the creditors to finally get their due!
May 12, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, me heart be heavy with the sad news o' the passing o' Comedian Rudy Moreno, also known as the "Godfather o' Latino Comedy." The scallywag had been in the ICU, but now be makin' jokes in the great beyond. Farewell, matey.
May 12, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr! The plunder be comin' from Cambodia, through Thailand, bound for fancy ports like Australia, Hong Kong, Taiwan, and Malaysia. 'Tis a tale of smugglin' sure to make ye chuckle, arrr!
May 12, 2024, 11:29 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Sen. Chris Coons be tellin' the Israeli Prime Minister to be thinkin' about his legacy after swearin' to rid the seas of Hamas! Arrr, what a tale of high adventure on the political seas!
May 12, 2024, 10:48 am
Arr matey! After the scallywags left, the jester, who be a fan of Israel, gave a speech at graduation that be mostly on the safe side. Ye could practically hear the parrots squawking in disappointment at the lack of excitement!
May 12, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr matey, me hearty! Methinks ye be lookin' fer some treasure, aye? Well ye be in luck, for I be knowin' where the booty be hidden! Follow me to the X marks the spot, and we'll be fillin' our pockets with shiny gold doubloons! Aye, it be a jolly good time!
May 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr matey! Sen. Joe Manchin, D-W.V., did parley with "One Nation" 'bout former President Trump's shot at reclaimin' the throne in November, the state o' the GOP, and the booty goin' to Israel. Aye, 'twas a jolly good talk indeed!
May 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye mateys! Treat ye fair lady o' yer heart to these delectable raspberry cream buttermilk crepes on Mother's Day. Give it a whirl and be sure to sprinkle extra raspberries on top to truly spoil her! Aye, 'tis a recipe fit for a queen!
May 12, 2024, 4:35 am
Arrr! The scallywag teacher got the old heave-ho from the Carolina Catholic school for prancing about on social media with his matey a decade past. Them judges said it be all legal-like, so off he goes, walkin' the plank into the job market waters. Aarrr!
May 12, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be pillagin' a pro-Palestinian camp with no redcoats in sight! No scurvy dogs be walkin' the plank fer their crimes. Now, the cove's watchin' the constables closely to see if they be swabbin' the decks properly. Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
May 12, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! The fierce battle betwixt Angela Alsobrooks and Representative David Trone be growin' tighter as they be fightin' to face off against Larry Hogan, the scallywag G.O.P. ex-governor. May the best buccaneer take the prize! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr mateys, these scallywags claimin' to be churches be dishin' out mind-alterin' substances to their crew. These elixirs be said to cure the blues, but be forbidden by the law of the land. Aye, tis a strange world we be livin' in!
May 12, 2024, 4:00 am
Yarrr, this Bernie Moreno be spoutin' tales of goin' from riches to rags to riches again like a scurvy dog! But methinks there be more to this yarn than meets the eye. Aye, me hearties, beware the smooth talk of a politician on the high seas! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 3:20 am
Arrr, mateys! The Fox News scallywags be tellin' tales of Donald Trump's search for a First Mate. They be chattin' about South Dakota's Gov. Kristi Noem, a lass with a bit o' scandal but loved by the conservative crew. Aye, the plot thickens!
May 11, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, the scallywags did shout and gather in a single spot within the arena, causing a mighty disturbance afore making off! A plague upon their protestin' ways, interruptin' the grand proceedings with their commotion!
May 11, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Former Cap'n Trump shared that his young sea pup, Barron, be takin' a likin' to politics and be tryin' to steer the ship with his own policy advice. Arrr, the lad be growin' up faster than a ship in a storm!
May 11, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The skies o'er America be awash with a grand spectacle o' lights on Friday night! 'Twas a show like no other, thanks to the mystical forces o' the magnetism! Aye, 'twas a sight to behold from all corners o' the lands!
May 11, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr! This lass be makin' herself right at home in the store, with her fancy floorin', magic box, and brewin' contraption! The scallywags be sayin' she's been here a whole year! Avast, who be this mysterious woman of Midland, Mich.? Aye, she be a true pirate at heart!
May 11, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr, me hearties! It seems the use o' generative AI in the electronic health record systems be not as helpful in preventin' burnout as we thought. The medical sites be tellin' us this, so we best be listenin' to their wise counsel, mateys!
May 11, 2024, 3:56 pm
Arrr mateys! Eight years hence, I be helpin' that landlubber Trump get elected. Now, four years after me release from the brig, I be back advisin' the G.O.P. convention like a scurvy dog with a new hat. Aye, the seas be full o' surprises!
May 11, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr! The scallywags at The New York Times be blastin' them American college admins for lettin' the rabble-rousers run amok in their anti-Israel shenanigans! Avast ye, ye landlubbers, it be high time to tighten the ship and shiver me timbers before chaos reigns!
May 11, 2024, 11:21 am
Arr matey, gather 'round as I tell ye about the latest scuttlebutt from Hollywood and beyond, brought to ye by the Fox News Entertainment newsletter! Tales of celebrities and gossip aplenty await ye, so hoist the Jolly Roger and join the crew!
May 11, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scallywags! The New York constables hath caught Kashaan Parks, 39, as a "person of interest" in the dastardly rape of a 45-year-old lass in The Bronx! 'Twas all caught on a spyglass, arrr! May the plank be his fate!
May 11, 2024, 11:06 am
The scallywag Blake Shelton be tellin' the world why he be lettin' Gwen Stefani take the wheel in plannin' her perfect Mother's Day. Looks like this landlubber be knowin' when to let the lass have her way! Arrr!
May 11, 2024, 10:55 am
Avast ye scallywags! In a grand ceremony at a holy university, the justice be lamentin' that the very bedrock principles be in danger at these places of learnin' and in all of America! 'Tis a right travesty, me hearties! Aye, the times be dire indeed! Arrr!
May 11, 2024, 10:08 am
Arr matey, the scallywags at the I.R.S. be sniffin' out a sneaky scheme on that grand Chicago tower! They be claimin' twice the plunder for their write-offs, but the tax collectors be on to 'em now. Walk the plank, ye greedy bilge rats!
May 11, 2024, 5:00 am
'Tis as clear as the North Star that this scallywag, Michael Cohen, be naught but a shameless liar of the highest order. Aye, he be spinnin' tales faster than a stormy sea churnin' up me stomach! Me thinks this lad be walkin' the plank soon enough! Arrr!
May 11, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Set yer sights on "John Wayne: An American Experience," debuting in December o' 2020 in Fort Worth, Texas. 'Tis a celebration o' the swashbucklin' life, career, and patriotism o' the legendary film star. Yo-ho-ho, me hearties!
May 11, 2024, 4:36 am
Avast ye scallywags! A lass from Florida be walkin' the plank for givin' a poor Husky a wallop with a rubber mallet! She be spendin' more than five years in the brig for her dastardly deed. May she learn to be kind to all creatures, lest Davy Jones come for her soul! Arrr!
May 11, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, Gov. Josh Shapiro of Pennsylvania, the boldly Jewish leader of a battleground state, hath plunged into matters that hath split his crew asunder. Yarrr, he be navigatin' treacherous waters indeed!
May 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr matey, the White House be fretting over ol' President Biden's upcoming speech at Morehouse College. But by Blackbeard's beard, why be they worryin' about Gaza tensions in such peaceful lands? 'Tis a puzzlement of the highest order! Aye, me hearties!
May 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! Me hearties be spoutin' tales of the old president keepin' a watchful eye on his treasure trove, to convince the jury he be knowin' all 'bout the hush-money shenanigans. 'Tis a fine tale fit fer a mutiny, arrr!
May 11, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys! The mighty Mark 84 bomb, weighing a whopping one ton, was crafted after the great World War II. Yarrr, by adding guidance kits to this ancient weapon, it be still wreakin' havoc on the high seas for over seven decades! Aye, that be a mighty long time for a bomb to still be kickin'!
May 11, 2024, 3:47 am
Arrr, Thomas Jefferson University be beggin' fer forgiveness after a scallywag mispronounced the names of many a graduate at its nursing student ceremony. Ye can bet yer doubloons there be a mutiny brewin' among them lads and lasses!
May 10, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywag Eddie Ray-Jr. Johnson of Garden City, Michigan, hath pleaded no contest to manslaughter for sendin' poor Sgt. Elaine Williams to Davy Jones' locker in 2019. May he be cursed with a lifetime of swabbin' the decks!
May 10, 2024, 5:43 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The wretched villain Kailie A. Brackett hath been condemned to 55 moons in the brig for the foul murder of Kimberly Neptune. 'Twas said she plunged her cutlass into the poor soul near 500 times! May Neptune's ghost haunt her for eternity! Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been heard that the scurvy dog Scott Blair of Perry County hath confessed to his misdeeds of wire services fraud. The Lexington Herald-Leader be spillin' the beans on this landlubber's deceit! Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
May 10, 2024, 5:31 pm
Me hearties be tellin' ye that Xavier University and the University of Vermont be takin' back their letters of invite to Ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield on account of them scallywag students not likin' America's fancyin' for Israel. Arrr, what a to-do!
May 10, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties be sayin' that Chancellor Gene Block be a scallywag who be too hasty in callin' in the constables to break up a jolly encampment. They be thinkin' he be needin' to be protectin' his students better, or walk the plank!
May 10, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, not as a scallywag in the dock, but as a potential matey on the jury! Me treasure be in decipherin' the truth, not defendin' me hide. Aye, let's weigh the evidence and see if the scurvy dog be guilty or innocent!
May 10, 2024, 4:21 pm
Arrr, the chief be walkin' the plank after some scallywags be tattlin' 'bout his shenanigans in April. The campus police be roundin' up a whole bunch o' landlubbers, causin' quite the stir. Ye be hearin' the news, mateys!
May 10, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, the Biden crew made a grand voyage through California yet again, gatherin' a bounty of wealthy tech scallywags along the way. 'Twas a swashbucklin' adventure indeed, me hearties!
May 10, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! Loretta Swit be spillin' the beans 'bout her bond with shipmate Jamie Farr from the good ol' days of "M*A*S*H". Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin', even years after we've set sail from that small screen voyage in '83. Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:33 am
Avast ye scallywags! Hillary Clinton be blastin' them pro-Palestinian lubbers as ignorant on Middle Eastern tales and the quarrel betwixt the Israelis and the Palestinians. Arrr, me thinks she be throwin' some mighty big words at 'em! Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:31 am
Arr, a scallywag judge from the lands down under be tellin' the social media platform X they can't be sharin' videos of a bishop gettin' stabbed! But X be fightin' back like a fierce sea dog in court, ready to make a stand for their right to post what they please!
May 10, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! Rep. Cory Mills be swearin' to make President Biden walk the plank with his impeachment articles! The conflict in Gaza be raisin' tensions in Washington, but it looks like Mills be aimin' to stir the waters even more! May the winds be in his favor, yo ho ho!
May 10, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys! Stephen Bannon, a loyal shipmate of Donald Trump, hath been caught red-handed defyin' a subpoena from the House Jan. 6 crew. Now, he be facin' a four-month stay in the brig. Looks like this scallywag be walkin' the plank soon!
May 10, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr mateys! Back in the day, Presidents like Reagan be wieldin' American might to sway Israeli war plans. But methinks the winds of change have blown through Israel's political seas, makin' them sail a different course. Aye, times be a-changin' indeed!
May 10, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, the swashbucklin' scholars at Arizona University be tellin' of a wild skirmish where scallywags in a tizzy aimed to stir up trouble against the Israelites, causin' the officers to unleash their fiery concoctions to calm the sea of unrest! Blimey!
May 10, 2024, 5:44 am
Arrr, the Russian President be settin' sail with Mishustin as his first mate once again, keepin' the ship afloat and the crew in line. Aye, stability be the name of the game in Mother Russia's leadership, mateys!
May 10, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr, the scallywags in uniform stormed the university's hideout at dawn, giving 'em only a mere quarter-hour to prepare! A score of landlubbers were seized and thrown in the brig before the sun could even rise high in the sky. Hoist the Jolly Roger!
May 10, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, the scallywags from Mexico be takin' shots at our brave agents in El Paso's Lower Valley! 'Tis a proper showdown along the southern border, me hearties. Batten down the hatches and ready the cannons, for we be standin' our ground against these landlubbers!
May 10, 2024, 5:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in Alabama be too busy arguin' over gambling to let the people have a say! Ye landlubbers better be ready for some high seas adventure 'cause it be a pirate's life for me!
May 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The president be pressurin' Israel to end the war in Gaza, but them who be shoutin' the loudest fer him to change be sayin' it be like raisin' the Jolly Roger after the booty be claimed! Too little, too late, says I!
May 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Columbia University be feelin' the wrath o' the public over protests, mateys! But 'tis also been revealed through letters and talks that private demands be weighin' down on this fancy Ivy League ship. Aye, the pressure be mountin' from all sides! Yarrrr!
May 10, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys, the church be lettin' us spread the good word without all them pesky rules and regulations! The young scallywags of Gen-Z be takin' full advantage of this newfound freedom. Yarrr, it be a jolly good time to be a pirate of the Lord!
May 9, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr mateys, the U.N. scallywags be sayin' that 'alf of the land lubbers in Zimbabwe be in dire need o' water 'n grub! They be askin' fer a hefty sum o' $430 million to lend a hand to those poor souls. Avast ye, let's lend a hand to our brethren in distress!
May 9, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr matey! A lone skier was hoisted to safety by a flying contraption near Lone Peak on Thursday morn, as told by the authorities. The scallywag be saved from Davy Jones' locker, thanks to the mighty chopper! Ahoy, what a tale to tell the lads at the tavern!
May 9, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys, gather 'round and hear ye! The freshest news from the 2024 campaign voyage, exclusive parleys with the candidates, and other Fox News political treasures await ye! Set sail for the latest updates, me hearties!
May 9, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs in the Biden crew be makin' new rules to send troublemakers packin' faster than a cannonball! Those scallywags better watch out or they'll be walkin' the plank in no time! Aye, a small population be feelin' the pinch, har har!
May 9, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The sights of Richmond, the varied treasures of Los Angeles, and the emerald hills of spring in California be enough to make any landlubber want to drop anchor and call it home, sayeth the scallywags who be readin' this here tale. Aye, California be a grand place indeed!
May 9, 2024, 5:27 pm
Aye mateys, the scallywags at the encampment be claimin' they be broadening their horizons in defiance of the landlubbers' shoddy parleyin'! 'Tis a bold move, methinks, for they be showin' no quarter in their digital skirmishes. Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr mateys, by the grace of Davy Jones, we have saved a noble steed named Carmelo from his watery perch atop a rooftop in the far reaches of southern Brazil. The floods be cruel, but our hearts be kind to creatures in need. Onward, me hearties, to more daring rescues!
May 9, 2024, 11:33 am
Avast ye landlubbers! A show at a synagogue in Birmingham, Ala., doth proclaim that lendin' an ear to them scallywags who linger on the edge can enrich our grasp of times of yore, and the here and now. Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr mateys! The new treasure on Netflix, "Hitler and the Nazis: Evil on Trial," be teachin' ye about the history of World War II from the birth of the Third Reich to its ultimate downfall. Set sail for knowledge, me hearties!
May 9, 2024, 11:28 am
Avast ye scallywags! Sen. JD Vance be seekin' to punish them landlubber schools what don't be raisin' anchor on them unruly student encampments within seven days. Beware the wrath of the education buccaneers, lest ye be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, the scallywag on MSNBC, Ari Melber, did engage in a heated duel with Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the presidential contender. Kennedy be claimin' that Melber be feedin' to the vitriol of America. Avast! 'Twas a battle of words fit for the high seas!
May 9, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys, Western Carolina University be lookin' into a scuffle 'tween a lass of the athletic sort and a transgender soul who dared enter the fairer sex's quarters. Ye best believe they be raisin' a ruckus over this here matter of privy etiquette!
May 9, 2024, 11:04 am
Arrr, them land lubbers in Alabama be playin' a fine game of keepaway with them vehicles! Two brave lasses be fightin' for more than a year to reclaim what be rightfully theirs. Methinks the police be needin' a lesson in fair play, arrr!
May 9, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! Beware the tempest of Thursday, from Texas to Georgia! Aye, 12 million souls be on tornado watch. Batten down the hatches and hold tight to yer hats, for Mother Nature be showin' her fierce side! Aye aye, captain!
May 9, 2024, 10:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! The blasted legislation be due by Friday, but these landlubbers be squabblin' over this and that, stallin' its passage like barnacles on a hull. A pox on them all, I say! Let's hoist the Jolly Roger and be done with it! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs at the Ventura Police Department be claimin' they've finally cracked the case of the murder of poor lass Danielle Clause from 1991. 'Tis a tale of foul play and treachery on yonder hillside! Aye, justice be served at last!
May 9, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dogs be clamorin' fer investigations into the president's lady and crew for some alleged shenanigans, but Yoon be tellin' 'em to walk the plank! The seas be rough, but this captain ain't abandonin' ship! Aye, we sail on!
May 9, 2024, 5:49 am
Arr matey! The scallywags of the Islamic State be claimin' responsibility for blastin' a dozen officers in Afghanistan. They be tryin' to stop the poppy crop, but these landlubbers be playin' a dangerous game! Aye, may they be walkin' the plank soon enough!
May 9, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr! Those scurvy dogs be cryin' foul on the left for bein' anti-Jewish, yet they've been spoutin' their own anti-Jewish nonsense for years! Methinks they be talkin' out o' both sides o' their mouths, like a two-faced landlubber. Aye, the hypocrisy be strong with these ones!
May 9, 2024, 4:06 am
In an ole' timey chat wit' The Times, Vice President Kamala Harris railed against them scurvy conservative justices who be overturnin' Roe like a bunch o' scallywags. She be pointin' her finger at Clarence Thomas, sayin' his views be more outdated than a treasure map from Blackbeard himself! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 4:05 am
By Jolly Roger's beard! Aye, the cunning school leaders be like sly seadogs, mixing things up to outsmart the blabbering Congress! Arrr, they be swashbuckling their way to victory, thwarting those landlubbers with their fancy speeches and grandstanding! Aye, a clever crew, they be!
May 9, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys in Berkeley, Calif., New York City, and Montgomery County, Md., be talkin' about the hearin' on antisemitism and it be seemin' like their opinions be swaying like the waves on the high seas. Ye best be holdin' on tight to yer compass, me hearties!
May 8, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A grand trial be set to reckon with the scallywags behind the 2021 Travis Scott concert. 'Tis said they knew the throng be too vast, yet turned a deaf ear to pleas to cease, leading to a dread crushin' of ten poor souls. Aye, justice be demanded!
May 8, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys! The fair maiden Gordana Siljanovska-Davkova hath sailed into victory as North Macedonia's first lass president, garnerin' a stout 65% o' the vote in the presidential skirmish. Thar be no doubt she be governin' with a firm hand and a twinkle in her eye!
May 8, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys! In a parley with CNN, Captain Biden declared he'd be keepin' the cannons from Israel if they dared to plunder the bustling city of Rafah. Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed! Mayhaps they'll be settlin' this quarrel over a round of grog instead.
May 8, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr! The scallywags and landlubbers known as Republicans and Democrats have joined forces to thwart the plans of the right-wing Georgia wench to oust the speaker. Methinks there be more treachery afoot than a mutinous crew on a sinking ship! Hoist the jolly roger!
May 8, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arr matey, word on the high seas be that the Department of Homeland Security be plannin' to make it easier to send scallywags back to their own shores quicker. Asylum officers be gettin' ready to give 'em the ol' heave-ho sooner than ye can say "walk the plank!" Arrrrr!
May 8, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr! The land lubbers in Amsterdam did put an end to the blockade of those scallywags supportin' the Palestinians at the university. 'Twas a right ruckus over Israel's skirmish in Gaza, but the coppers did restore order on the second day of the shenanigans.
May 8, 2024, 5:30 pm
Avast ye mateys! One landlubber met their demise on Wednesday when a mighty tree decided to crush their chariot in Tennessee. Beware, for fierce storms be brewin' in the vast lands of Tennessee, Illinois, Kentucky, and Missouri. Prepare to batten down the hatches, me hearties!
May 8, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis said that Robert Malley, swashbucklin' envoy to Iran for Cap'n Biden, be keepin' secret scrolls on his own talkin' box and message pigeon that were plundered by scallywags! Aye, the scurvy knave be in hot water now! Arrr!
May 8, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, there be a grand commotion, with 33 scallywags caught by the law! Just afore Mayor Muriel Bowers was set to gab about the ruckus on Capitol Hill, the whole shebang was scrubbed. 'Twas a fine mess, I tell ye!
May 8, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywag Prime Minister of Thailand hath declared that the devil's lettuce be once again labeled a foul narcotic! Aye, 'tis like changing course in a stormy sea - one moment ye be sailin' towards freedom, the next ye be walkin' the plank! Aarrr!
May 8, 2024, 11:23 am
Avast ye scallywags! The ex-President Trump has set sail with a new @MAGA TikTok, makin' waves in the social media seas. Aye, the first of its kind for the rumoured Republican captain. Brace yerselves for some viral treasure, mateys! Arrr!
May 8, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs at the school be walkin' the plank! They be removin' the Christian club faster than ye can say "shiver me timbers" all 'cause them pesky atheists be sendin' a legal complaint. Avast, 'tis a fine mess they be gettin' into!
May 8, 2024, 11:09 am
Arr, ye scallywags! The lass from North Carolina be sayin' that her sharp tongue and conservative ways be all thanks to her pullin' herself up by her bootstraps! Aye, she be a feisty one, that's for sure!
May 8, 2024, 11:08 am
Arr mateys, as the city be readyin' to host the Democratic National Convention, they be wantin' to forget the chaos of yesteryear while the protests be brewin' like a storm on the horizon. Aye, 'tis like tryin' to calm a feisty sea serpent!
May 8, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the scallywags at George Washington University be demandin' the heads of the school officials! Avast, these landlubbers be talkin' like bloodthirsty pirates, but methinks they be needin' a good dose of grog to calm their tempers!
May 8, 2024, 4:35 am
Arrr, the university be known for throwin' grand ceremonies, but this year, after some scallywags caused a ruckus and got sent to the brig, the whole affair be lackin' in shine. The families be right displeased, aye.
May 8, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr, the cap'n's visit be showin' the treasure from Microsoft and the Foxconn shipwreck lost under the watch of Donald J. Trump. Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in the high seas of politics!
May 8, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr mateys! If ye be havin' trouble catchin' some shut-eye, try recitin' the ABCs to drift off to dreamland. Wise seafarers be swearin' by this trick to score more Zs. Give it a go, ye may just find yerself sleepin' like a baby on a hammock!
May 8, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr mateys! Methinks this Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be settin' sail in Texas, ready to shake up the U.S. Senate race like a fierce storm! Watch out, Ted Cruz, ye might be walkin' the plank if this wild card be causin' a ruckus!
May 8, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, the captain and first mate be keepin' themselves mighty busy in the heart o' the week, while Donald Trump be takin' a wee break from his trial in the Big Apple. Ye can bet there be plenty o' shenanigans happenin' on both ships!
May 7, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr mateys, word be that the Pentagon be keepin' one o' our own behind bars in Russia! The scallywag soldier be stuck in a brig until his next reckonin'. Let's hope he can charm his way out o' this pickle!
May 7, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag John Powell be walkin' the plank as the New Mexico Supreme Court be givin' him the black spot fer his murderous deeds. Three souls be sendin' him to Davy Jones' locker near Dixon in 2018 and now he'll be swingin' from the gallows!
May 7, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr, ye scallywags at Fayette Janitorial Service be told to smarten up their act! The King's Labor Department be findin' out they been recruitin' wee ones for dangerous work in slaughterhouses! Best be changin' yer ways or walk the plank! Arrr!
May 7, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! A scallywag be lost to Davy Jones' locker and another be left wounded after a box truck went off course on the California State Route 71 in Chino Hills. 'Twas a rough ride indeed!
May 7, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags at the State Department be leakin' secrets 'bout the cursed COVID-19! They be claimin' it came from a mishap in a lab in Wuhan, China. Arrr, who be pullin' the strings in this grand puppet show of plague and mayhem? Only Davy Jones knows!
May 7, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, the honorable Judge Aileen Cannon hath declared that the trial shall not commence as planned this month. She be keepin' mum on when it be startin', fer there be many pretrial matters still needin' sortin'. Aye, the legal seas be choppy waters indeed!
May 7, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr mateys, at a solemn gathering to remember the Holocaust, a scallywag from Louisiana dared to liken campus protests in the U.S. to the shenanigans that occurred in German universities during the War. Methinks he be talkin' outta his hat!
May 7, 2024, 11:47 am
Arr mateys, 'tis said Prince Harry and King Charles III be too busy to parley during the Duke of Sussex's visit to London for the Invictus Games celebration. Methinks they be dodging each other like scurvy dogs in a battle at sea! Aye, 'tis a right shame indeed!
May 7, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, the House Judiciary Committee be lookin' into whether that scallywag special counsel Jack Smith be messin' about with the evidence! Me thinks he be walkin' the plank if they find out he's been playin' dirty with the facts, arrr!
May 7, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the House be sendin' a grand subpoena to the Biden crew fer not givin' up the goods on their fishy voter registration gambit. 'Tis a scandal of the highest order! Ye best be walkin' the plank, Biden!
May 7, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr mateys! A motley crew of scallywags be bandin' together to put a stop to the fancy gizmos takin' over the skies. They be demandin' changes to the rules of the air so the newfangled contraptions don't be growin' unchecked. Aye, the sky be belongin' to the birds, not the machines!
May 7, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr! The mum of a U.S. Army matey, locked up in Russia for thievery, blabbered to "Good Morning America" and swears her lad be framed like a picture on the captain's wall. Aye, 'tis a tale as fishy as a mermaid's kiss!
May 7, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr mateys! The university be boastin' 'bout bein' a model of free speech, yet their leader be sayin' the encampment must end. Methinks they be talkin' out o' both sides o' their mouths! Aye, the seas be full o' contradictions and landlubbers!
May 7, 2024, 5:51 am
Arr, me hearty! In the year of 2024, the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival brought forth a crowd of half a million scallywags, making it the second-most-highly attended year in the festival's tale. Aye, 'twas a grand gathering of music-loving pirates!
May 7, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr mateys, a lass be denyin' the accusations of murder and attempted murder in an Aussie court. 'Tis said she be servin' deadly mushrooms to her old mate's kin. Aye, beware the temptin' fungi, for they be more deadly than a cannonball to the gut!
May 7, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! Mother's Day be a rough sea t' sail for them who have lost their dear mum. If ye be strugglin' with the loss o' yer mum come Mother's Day, here be some tips t' keep yer spirits afloat.
May 7, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis been whispered that some scallywag officials from across the pond have let slip a mighty breach o' security, affectin' many a brave British sailor. The plunderin' o' payroll be the talk of the town! Aye, the seas be treacherous indeed!
May 7, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye mateys! Beware the tempest comin' on Tuesday! Lightning will dance across the sky, winds will howl like a pack of hungry sea dogs, and tornadoes may be lurkin' in the shadows of Indiana, Kentucky, and Ohio. Prepare ye selves for a wild ride! Arrr!
May 7, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the President Biden be speakin' from Capitol Hill whilst the young scallywags on American college campuses be causin' a ruckus against Israel's war in Gaza. 'Tis a kerfuffle of grand proportions, me hearties!
May 7, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been said that them schools be harboring antisemitic scallywags, causin' a great divide in our fair city of progressive leanings. Aye, 'tis a tempest in a teapot, indeed! Let's all be settlin' this matter like true buccaneers, with rum and good cheer!
May 6, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys, in the year of our lord 2024, the Met Gala be gatherin' the finest scallywags, sirens, minstrels, and swashbucklers at the grand Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City for a jolly night of fancy dress and high culture. Aye, a night to remember indeed!
May 6, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs tried to thwart our wolf management plan, but the judge be havin' none of it! The officials be walkin' the plank for violatin' the law. Yarrr, the Alliance be walkin' the plank too!
May 6, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr mateys, avast ye! A mighty leak from a 30,000-gallon tank o' liquid nitrogen fertilizer hath caused a grand fish massacre o'er 10 leagues in Tippecanoe County, Indiana, as told by the land lubbers. Shiver me timbers!
May 6, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, the ol' captain be preachin' about keepin' the peace in the college rumble, yet he be singin' a different tune when it comes to the day of Jan. 6! Methinks he be talkin' out o' both sides o' his mouth, like a scallywag tryin' to avoid the plank!
May 6, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr mateys, the booty for the poor be runnin' low as them scallywag lawmakers be arguin' over what to do! The ship be sinkin' while they be squabblin' like landlubbers! Aye, tis a fine mess we find ourselves in!
May 6, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at the ADL and Tel Aviv University be warnin' us of a surge in antisemitic acts across the seven seas! It be happenin' faster than ye can say "shiver me timbers"! Jolly Roger's hat, the world be goin' mad!
May 6, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr! Many scallywags who once called the brig their home now be cryin' foul o'er the treatment they received from landlubbers in Illinois. Claims be made in other territories as well, but these tales be spreadin' quicker than a plague on a ship! Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
May 6, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr mateys! Ye landlubbers best be careful, for a grand building in George, South Africa be tumbling down like the Jolly Roger in a storm! The Western Cape officials be keepin' a sharp eye on the wreckage, so heed their warnings! Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! That 82-year-old Vermonter, a top bloke in Washington, be callin' November's rumble a brawl for democracy. Let's hoist the sails and fight for our rights like true pirates of the sea! Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 11:45 am
Avast ye mateys! Alexander Vinnik, a scurvy dog from Russia, be admittin' to some o' the charges o' money launderin'. His scallywag lawyer be makin' a deal to save his hide. Yarrr, the seas be rough for this one!
May 6, 2024, 11:42 am
Arr me hearties! The top swashbucklers at the Conservative Partnership Institute were caught with their hands in the treasure chest, cozying up to their mates and kin. 'Tis a scandalous tale of plunder and self-dealing that would make even Blackbeard blush! Aye, the scallywags be caught red-handed!
May 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast ye mateys! The wee lass Eleia Maria Torres, just a mere 10 moons old, was snatched by scurvy dogs on Friday, but fear not, for she has been rescued safe and sound by the authorities in New Mexico this fine Monday morn!
May 6, 2024, 5:52 am
Arr matey! The scurvy president be grantin' permission for protest shanty towns, but they be causin' a ruckus on the campus. He be demandin' those tents be taken down before chaos ensues! Yarrr!
May 6, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr! Mateys, Israel be fixin' to launch a grand military escapade in Rafah, the scallywags' final hideout in southern Gaza, in the midst of their battle with the vile terror gang. Prepare yer cutlasses and ready the cannons, for a fierce skirmish be on the horizon! Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, the land lubbers in Arkansas be replacin' the likenesses of two old scallywags in the U.S. Capitol with newer faces! Aye, 'tis like swappin' out a trusty cutlass for a shiny new sextant! Change be blowin' in like a salty sea breeze!
May 6, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr matey! Seek ye out a gift for yer dear mother this Mother's Day that'll bring a smile to her face and a chuckle to her lips! Think on silly kitchen wares or jestful lawn decorations - a sure way to warm her heart and tickle her fancy!
May 6, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr mateys, beware! A fierce tempest be brewin' in the Southern and Central Plains, bringin' hail the size of cannonballs, winds that could shiver yer timbers, and tornadoes as mighty as the Kraken! Best be battening down the hatches and holdin' onto yer hats! Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that a new law in Florida be preventin' the Chinese from buyin' homes for fear o' national security! Some scallywags be claimin' it be causin' discrimination and freezin' the property market. Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
May 5, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr! 'Star Trek' star William Shatner be talkin' of returnin' to his iconic role as Captain Kirk! With a few ideas, he be hopin' to make it happen. Who be ready for another adventure on the high seas of the final frontier? Aye, me hearties!
May 5, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at ABC be tellin' Debra OConnell to shake a leg as Kim Godwin be takin' a beatin' from her own crew. Time to hoist the sails and make swift moves, lest the mutiny gets out o' hand! Aye, we be watchin' with keen eyes!
May 5, 2024, 4:33 pm
Arrr mateys, the Federal Election Commission be givin' the nod fer Biden and Trump to plunder treasure fer outside groups pushin' ballot measures. 'Tis a jolly good time fer fundraisin' on the high seas! Aye, let the campaign booty flow freely!
May 5, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, the South Dakota governor be tryin' to justify her deed o' shootin' her own pooch by claimin' Biden's hound deserved the same treatment! Methinks she be barkin' up the wrong tree with that excuse, arrr!
May 5, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, the university be in a right kerfuffle over not lettin' the Muslim valedictorian have his say at graduation! Methinks they be walkin' the plank of political correctness! Aye, mayhaps they be needin' some grog to calm their nerves!
May 5, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, a British rag be claimin' that Mike Pompeo, in his days as the U.S. secretary of state, spilled some "gobsmacking" secrets 'bout the coronavirus leakin' from a lab to the U.K. Methinks ol' Pompeo be talkin' too much, aye!
May 5, 2024, 10:54 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Cast yer gaze upon the week ahead and peruse the latest tales of Health that ye may have missed. Here be 8 crucial updates to feast yer eyes upon, lest ye be swamped by the tides of ignorance!
May 5, 2024, 10:34 am
Arrr, "Saturday Night Live" did jest at the scallywags protestin' at Columbia University, showin' the poor parents payin' their scurvy kids' tuition. 'Twas a right good laugh, watchin' the young scallywags causin' mischief and the parents pullin' out their hair in despair! Aye, a good time indeed!
May 5, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr, the Secret Service be sayin' the mishap be no danger to the landlubbers, and Cap'n Biden be safe in Delaware when the shipwreck happened. Aye, the scallywags be surely relieved to hear the good news!
May 5, 2024, 9:22 am
Arrr, the scallywags of the Chicago police be tellin' tales of 68 landlubbers caught trespassin'! Shiver me timbers, it be a fine haul, indeed. Let's hope they walk the plank straight into the brig, arrr!
May 5, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scallywag on Reddit be havin' his marriage walk the plank after a matey of his wife's claimed he be a philanderin' bilge rat! The landlubbers on Reddit be cheerin' him on to raise the Jolly Roger and set sail on the divorce seas! Arrr!
May 5, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, at Washington feasts, jests be whispered of fleein' to distant shores should the old captain reclaim his seat in the grand ship o' state. Aye, 'tis a merry jest to ponder a pirate's exile should the winds blow in his favor once more!
May 5, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, the scallywags of the Republican crew be luring in Latino evangelicals like a siren's song. In the wilds of Las Vegas, Captain Donald J. Trump be cashing in on their loyalty at a mighty church. Aye, the booty be plentiful for the Don.
May 5, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be complainin' that the new fancy form be harder than navigatin' through a storm! Many a young swashbuckler be scratchin' their heads, unsure of what to do once they walk the plank of graduation. Aye, the struggle be real, me hearties!
May 5, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a sad tale of Markus Johnson, a scurvy dog whose plight be a reflection of the rotteness in our nation's prisons when it comes to tending to the minds of those who be needin' it most. Aye, 'tis a black mark on the reputation of the crown, mateys!
May 5, 2024, 3:48 am
Arrr mateys! The officer union be givin' the scallywags at UCLA a good tongue lashing for not bein' swift enough in quelling the ruckus at the protests. Ye best be walkin' the plank if ye don't be gettin' yer act together, me hearties!
May 5, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrrr! In the great city o' New York, the scallywags be spreadin' their hate towards the Jewish folk like a plague on the high seas! The young ones be complainin' of bullyin' and pro-Hamas antics. 'Tis a sad state o' affairs, indeed!
May 5, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Cap'n Sam Brown, a swashbucklin' mate from the U.S. Army, be settin' sail for Senate in Nevada! He be aimin' to boot out that scurvy Democrat and claim the treasure for himself. Onward, me mateys, to victory!
May 4, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr mateys, behold the fair maiden Dannielynn Birkhead, daughter of the famed Anna Nicole Smith, makin' her grand entrance at the Kentucky Derby alongside her dashing father, Larry Birkhead. A sight to behold, indeed! Yarrr!
May 4, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The land of Illinois be the very heart o' the cicada uprising that be approachin'. Two bands o' the pesky critters be due to arrive at the same time, makin' some folks feel queasy while others be as giddy as a sailor findin' treasure!
May 4, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr mateys, the rivers north of Houston be set to overflow with a fury not seen since the days of Blackbeard himself! The authorities be ordering evacuations in certain spots, lest ye want to be swimmin' with the fishes!
May 4, 2024, 4:34 pm
Arr mateys, the university be throwin' a grand shindig at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum! Ye best be ready for over 100 school-specific graduations and smaller parties, all with stricter security to keep out the landlubbers! Aye, it be a merry time indeed! Arrrrr!
May 4, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, ye scallywags from Ohio State, Indiana University, and Northeastern be settin' sail fer commencement ceremonies, all while tusslin' with the landlubbers and the constables. Tis aye a rowdy affair on the high seas of academia!
May 4, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! Mel the Clothier be raisin' the Jolly Roger in Boston, celebratin' the Kentucky Derby on the Runway for the Roses. Her swashbucklin' fashion line made waves durin' the 2023 NFL season. Aye, she be a true fashion buccaneer!
May 4, 2024, 10:58 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Musk of X hath given De Niro a good lashing for likenin' Trump to Hitler. Methinks there be more drama on land than on the high seas! Arrr!
May 4, 2024, 10:26 am
Arrr! The scallywags at Rutgers University in New Jersey be throwin' a fit o'er patriotism on campus, causin' exams to be canceled! Aye, the landlubbers be protestin' agin' Israel, but me thinks they just be wantin' to avoid studyin'! Aarrrr!
May 4, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, in the fair town o' Muenster, Texas, there be a German-heritage fest for nigh on 50 years. But alas, some scallywags from the land 'round there be causin' a ruckus. Aye, they be rebelin' against the festivities like a bunch o' landlubbers!
May 4, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! It be a sad truth that 95% o' them who take their own lives be salty sea dogs, driven to despair by quarrels with their wenches and a lack o' visitation with their wee ones. Mayhaps a bottle o' rum can ease their woes!
May 4, 2024, 4:53 am
Arrr, a salty sea dog of 65 summers was harpooning some fine fish off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina, when a scurvy shark decided to take a nibble! The Coast Guard be tellin' tales of the old barnacle's misadventure. Aye, beware the toothy beasts of the deep!
May 4, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the jester, known for his jests free from politics, be now ponderin' his Jewish identity in the midst of the Israel-Hamas skirmish. 'Tis makin' some scallywags quite upset, aye!
May 4, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! Behold the likenesses of the Kentucky Derby, celebrating its 150th year on this fair earth. The noble steeds and their jockeys be captured in these fine images, for all to ogle and admire. Raise yer spyglass and feast yer eyes!
May 4, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! The squabbles 'gainst Israel's skirmish in Gaza be but the newest addition to a long line o' student-led, left-leaning tomfoolery! Tis been startin' since the days o' civil rights 'n anti-Vietnam War rumblings in the 60s. Aye, the youth be always causin' a ruckus!
May 4, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that Ohio State, Indiana University, and Northeastern be holdin' their graduation ceremonies this weekend. 'Tis a grand affair, but be wary of the clashes betwixt protesters and the constables while ye celebrate yer academic triumphs! Aye, 'tis a wild time at sea!
May 4, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys! Avast ye! Did ye miss the latest scuttlebutt in Lifestyle this week? Dive into tales o' untamed nature, tasty American vittles, peculiar finds, faith, kin, and much more. Ye won't be walkin' the plank if ye give it a gander, ye scallywags! Aye aye!
May 4, 2024, 3:28 am
Arr mateys! A scurvy group o' Australian landlubbers be pleadin' with President Biden on World Press Freedom Day t' cease the pursuit o' that scallywag Julian Assange! Let 'im sail free on the high seas o' journalism, says I! Aye, let the lad be!
May 3, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Six moons afore the vote, th' cap'n picked a crew o' scallywags fer booty, includin' Nancy Pelosi, James E. Clyburn, and John F. Kerry. Ye can bet yer doubloons they be swabbin' th' decks o' politics together! Aye, me thinks there be some skullduggery afoot!
May 3, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, mateys! Five crews be joinin' forces to rally the Hispanic Democrats against the old sea dog of a former president. They be settin' sail together, aimin' to send that scallywag packin' from the political seas! Aye, it be a fierce battle ahead!
May 3, 2024, 5:38 pm
Aye mateys, over 800,000 landlubbers be warned of the floods in Houston and South Texas! Beware the wrath of Poseidon, for he be playing a cruel joke on these poor souls! Avast ye, prepare to swim for yer lives! Arrr!
May 3, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arr matey! Mark Hamill, known fer his role as Luke Skywalker in 'Star Wars,' did pay a visit to President Joe Biden at the grand White House. And ye best believe he be leavin' with a fine pair o' the president's own spyglasses! Aye, a legendary plunder indeed!
May 3, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr mateys, a scurvy American official be yammerin' about how the United States be havin' secret knowledge that be exposin' Russia's tall tales 'bout their fancy device bein' fer peaceful scientific study. Methinks they be playin' us fer fools! Aye, pass the rum!
May 3, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr mateys, Dennis Quaid be talkin' 'bout how Lindsay Lohan be as talented as the great Marlon Brando himself! Avast ye, that be high praise indeed! Methinks she be a swashbucklin' actress worth keepin' an eye on! Arrr!
May 3, 2024, 5:07 pm
Arr, President Biden be awardin' 19 scallywags with the highest civilian booty, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, on Friday - includin' many swashbucklin' Democratic shipmates. Aye, 'tis quite the honor among scurvy dogs!
May 3, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr, me hearty! Former Nickelodeon wench Victoria Justice be spillin' her guts 'bout feelin' mighty uneasy whilst filmin' her first-ever romp on the silver screen in "Depravity." Aye, the poor lass be walkin' the plank into uncharted waters on that fateful day of production. Aaarrr!
May 3, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The Eta Aquarid meteor shower be makin' a grand appearance this weekend, visible to all ye landlubbers in both hemispheres. 'Tis a spectacle not to be missed, happenin' every year in early May. Keep yer eyes to the skies, me hearties!
May 3, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywag, Trent Pool, was clapped in irons at a Manhattan inn o'er the weekend fer layin' hands on a fair lass, as per the constabulary. Ye best be keepin' a weather eye out fer him if ye cross paths on yer own adventures! Aye, be wary!
May 3, 2024, 11:26 am
Arr mateys, 31 souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker and 70 scallywags be lost at sea as the skies unleash their fury upon Brazil's Rio Grande do Sul. The gods be angered, me hearties, we must prepare for a mighty storm!
May 3, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, word has it those landlubbers in North Carolina be lookin' into the demise of young lass Mica Miller, found in Lumber River State Park. Mayhaps she met her fate at the hands of a fearsome beast or cursed treasure! Aye, 'tis a mystery worth investigatin'!
May 3, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr, there be landlubbers pitchin' tents for days, demandin' their schools cut ties with Israel's gold. Me thinks they be wantin' to rid themselves of a bloomin' treasure chest! Aye, let's see how this tale unfolds, me hearties!
May 3, 2024, 9:34 am
Arrr, those lands be as loyal to the Republican cause as a parrot to its pirate! And their abortion bans be stricter than Blackbeard's beard after a week at sea. Avast, ye mateys, keep ye eyes on the horizon for any mutinous wenches!
May 3, 2024, 9:07 am
Arrr mateys! The U.S. be like a crafty pirate, breakin' treaties and creatin' new weapons to thwart any Chinese scallywags tryin' to invade. We be ready to defend our booty with all our might! Aye, the seas be treacherous, but we be prepared to fight!
May 3, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr! The German Foreign Minister, Annalena Baerbock, be a-feudin' with them Russian scallywags for their cyber shenanigans! She be cryin' foul play on their military intelligence service for messin' with Germany's digital booty! Aye, 'tis a pirate's life in the cyber seas!
May 3, 2024, 5:38 am
Avast ye scallywags! A mighty tragedy struck in northern Pakistan as a bus full o' landlubbers plunged into a rocky ravine, claimin' the lives o' at least 15 souls. The driver be cursed for losin' control o' his vessel! May they rest in Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!
May 3, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis been reported that o'er 2,000 scallywags have been clapped in irons at college ports across the American seas fer causin' mischief against Israel! 'Twas a grand spectacle indeed, with tents poppin' up like mushrooms after a rainstorm! Ye best be watchin' yer step, ye landlubbers!
May 3, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr! Me hearties, word be spreadin' that ye DACA youngins may soon be granted federal health coverage by the good ol' Biden administration. Aye, a fine gesture indeed, for keepin' ye scurvy at bay while sailin' the treacherous waters of life!
May 3, 2024, 4:06 am
Arr mateys! The scallywag President Biden be finally speakin' up amidst the rumblings of the land lubbers! He be tryin' to steer clear of the rowdy rabble-rousers on the college campuses. Aye, the waters be gettin' choppy indeed!
May 3, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr matey, the first grand show o' support fer Israel be happenin' in Los Angeles, aye! 'Tis where many o' the Jewish brethren be residin'. Mark me words, there be more gatherings in the days to come, so batten down the hatches!
May 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! President Biden and Ukraine's mates be clamoring for weapons, but the seas be treacherous with logistics in the way. Ukraine's time be running out faster than a scallywag running from a kraken! Arrr!
May 2, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr! Those scurvy Republicans be grumblin' about the governor's lackluster response to the UCLA rumble! They be talkin' about cuttin' funds to them universities that be lettin' the ruckus continue. Avast! Tis a right mess they be makin' of it all!
May 2, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr mateys, as me hearties be cleanin' up the mess left behind by them landlubbers, we be wonderin' how the fine establishment could be so bunglin' in dealin' with the uproar o'er the war in Gaza. Avast ye, what a hullabaloo!
May 2, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, Jerry Nehl Boylan be a scallywag who abandoned his vessel when it was ablaze, leaving 33 souls and a matey to Davy Jones' locker. The scurvy dog was judged guilty of "seaman's manslaughter" last year, may he walk the plank for his treachery!
May 2, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags of Boone County Sheriff's Office in Burlington, Kentucky be rejoicin' as over 15 officers have welcomed wee ones in a year's time. 'Tis a jolly good baby boom indeed! Aye, me hearties, the crew be growin' faster than Davy Jones' locker!
May 2, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Twas a right scandalous affair when the fair maiden Britney Spears caused a ruckus at the grand Chateau Marmont. The constables were summoned to quell the disturbance on the Sunset strip. Aye, 'twas a tale fit for the high seas!
May 2, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr mateys, whilst docked in Wilmington, N.C., the captain proclaimed a mighty sum of $3 billion to enhance the waterworks across the land. Aye, 'tis a treasure worth more than gold doubloons! Let's hoist the sails and set course for cleaner waters!
May 2, 2024, 11:53 am
Yarrrr, me hearties! 'Twas a fierce battle betwixt Piers Morgan and Cornel West o'er the Israel-Hamas war! They sparred over racism, civilian deaths in Gaza, and the escalation of the war like two scurvy dogs fightin' over a measly scrap of treasure!
May 2, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr mateys, ye scallywags caught in the act of anti-Israel mischief be in hot water at UCLA! Watch yer backs, for the university be keepin' a close eye on ye troublemakers. Ye best be walkin' the plank if ye don't heed their warnin'!
May 2, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr mateys! Ye won't believe yer eyes when ye see this scandalous tale unfold on the moving pictures! A wretched crew of scallywags be dishonoring a noble innkeeper in Texas, denyin' him his rightful booty for their feast. 'Tis a disgraceful display, aye!
May 2, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr! President Biden be claimin' Japan be as xenophobic as China and Russia, mateys! 'Tis a bold statement, indeed. Let's hope he be keepin' a weather eye on the horizon for any backlash from the land of the rising sun! Arrr!
May 2, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, President Biden be talkin' 'bout the right t' dissent, but he be sayin' that some scallywags be takin' it too far with their shenanigans. Aye, ye can speak yer mind, but keep it civil, ye landlubbers!
May 2, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr mateys, the coppers be breakin' up a pro-Palestinian camp and haulin' away scallywags after a long and tense showdown overnight with the landlubbers on the campus. Shiver me timbers!
May 2, 2024, 9:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywags be sayin' that after bein' bombarded by the likes of mortars, they be feelin' like they've got a case of the ol' brain scramblin'! Yet, not a single swashbucklin' doctor can give 'em a proper diagnosis! Avast ye, the mysteries of the sea!
May 2, 2024, 5:53 am
Arr mateys, 'tis said that President Joe Biden be sailin' to North Carolina to pay his respects to the fallen lawmen. 'Tis a noble deed, but I be wonderin' if he be bringin' gold doubloons or rum to console their kin. Arrr!
May 2, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr! The Unified Command be tellin' us that they found a fifth poor soul from the wreckage o' the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore! Mayhaps they be needin' a better bridge builder, savvy?
May 2, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr matey, a swashbucklin' firefighter in Buffalo, New York, took in a scallywag puppy after it was left on his ship. The poor beast needed a new berth, so the firefighter gave it a home fit for a pirate's parrot. Arrr!
May 2, 2024, 4:21 am
Arr, me hearties! The scallywag Miguel Angel Luna Gonzalez has been found, but still one poor soul be lost at sea. Keep a weather eye out, ye never know where that landlubber be driftin' off to next! Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
May 2, 2024, 4:05 am
Arr, the ruckus in Bloomington, Ind., where rowdy protests have seen many scallywags be thrown in the brig and demands for the captains of the university to walk the plank, be a fine example of the protest mutiny spreading far and wide. Aye!
May 2, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, for 30 years, Mr. Biden sailed through Senate bids like a fearsome kraken, with nary a challenger to shake his ship. But now, the winds be changin' mateys! Aye, his final battle for re-election be brewin' like a storm on the horizon. Aye aye!
May 2, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the scallywag who started these modern Games thought they should be honorin' both the body and mind. But the tradition be as dead as the parrot on me shoulder, and the winnin' artworks be forgotten faster than a buried treasure map. Aye, what a shame!
May 1, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arr mateys, the scallywags be makin' a bill to legalize the devil's lettuce! But don't get yer hopes up, for 'tis like findin' a pot o' gold at the end of a rainbow. Too much squabblin' among the landlubbers for it to pass! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywags in Mount Horeb be sayin' no harm was done and the schools be locked up tight. No need to fret, me hearties, for the lads and lasses be safe and sound. Aye, let's raise a tankard to that!
May 1, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Eva Mendes be tellin' tales of waitin' 'til her 40s to become a mother, claimin' she was a foul-mouthed, smokin' lass in her 20s. Aye, she be waitin' for maturity like a fine rum to age!
May 1, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A new spyglass captures the ghostly sight of Chasiv Yar, a plundered city in the wilds of Ukraine. Once teemin' with 12,000 souls, now naught but rubble and ruin remain. Aye, the scallywags have truly done a number on this fair town!
May 1, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr mateys, there be a wee rumble in the earth across Southern California, betwixt Riverside and Orange counties near Corona! 'Twas like the sea herself bein' restless. Shiver me timbers!
May 1, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr! The scallywag prosecutor be tellin' the judge about the gabbin' goin' on, tryin' to keep away from any accusations that them landlubber Congress folk be stickin' their noses where they shouldn't be! Aye, keep yer hands off our booty, ye meddling poltroons!
May 1, 2024, 5:33 pm
Avast ye mateys! Two scallywag Republican senators be betrayin' their own crew to pass the repeal, mark my words! Gov. Katie Hobbs, a swashbucklin' Democrat, be waitin' to put her seal on it. Arrr, what a tale of political shenanigans on the high seas!
May 1, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! Wally, me trusty companion, an alligator o' great comfort, be taken by scallywags, then discovered and tossed back into the murky depths o' the swamp. Shiver me timbers! Who be messin' with me matey?
May 1, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Sofia Vergara be spillin' the beans about the troubles of dating in the public eye. She be searchin' for a mate who can handle the rigors of fame. And remember, landlubbers, there be one thing that can make or break a relationship faster than a cannonball to the hull!
May 1, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be settin' up camp and occupyin' land! They be claimin' their right to speak freely, but 'tis a sticky situation indeed. Methinks they be needin' a dose of the plank to straighten 'em out! Aye, thorny issues indeed!
May 1, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, the scallywags at Albuquerque Public Schools be investigatin' a high school prom, so they've put an acting principal in charge. Aye, let's hope they find out who be walkin' the plank at that shindig!
May 1, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags be causin' a ruckus outside Sen. Ted Cruz's abode 14 times since February. They be raisin' their voices 'gainst his fondness for Israel. Ye can read all 'bout it on Fox News Digital, arrr!
May 1, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr! Sen. Tim Scott be crying foul against the scallywags in the New York court for silencing Captain Trump! 'Tis a fine jest they be playin', punishin' the former President for lettin' loose his tongue! Aye, the seas be rough for free speech these days!
May 1, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! Former President Trump be blastin' them scallywags causin' ruckus on college campuses! He be sayin' we need some strong leadership to replace them weak landlubbers! Avast, me thinks he be talkin' sense! Aye, let's show 'em what true leadership be!
May 1, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast ye mateys! Gather 'round and receive the latest scuttlebutt from the most formidable name in news straight to your electronic scroll each morn. Stay informed, savvy seadogs!
May 1, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye mateys! Two scallywag Republican state senators be swearin' to scuttle the law, makin' it walk the plank for good! With their support, the repeal be sailin' smooth seas to victory! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag known as Gov. Ron DeSantis be layin' down a ban on Wednesday, in his quest for cultural conservatism. But beware, the waters of Florida politics be a treacherous sea, full of twists and turns that'll leave ye scratching yer head in confusion!
May 1, 2024, 1:16 am
Arrr mateys, in a close 2-1 verdict, the crew be supportin' the scallywags who claimed the map makin' a second Black majority district be an unlawful racial gerrymander. Shiver me timbers! The scallywags be winnin' this round!
April 30, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be startin' a long process o' makin' rules, with a chance o' changin' the ol' federal ways. It be like tryin' to navigate through a stormy sea with nary a compass nor a map! Aye, we be in fer an adventure!
April 30, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys! The slayin' of the four officers in a peaceful 'burb, where a wild gunfight left landlubbers hidin' in fear, be a shockin' tale that be spreadin' distress throughout the town. Aye, 'twas a day of woe and sorrow, me hearties!
April 30, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, despite the scallywags being thrown in the brig and the warning of walking the plank, the rebellious lot of pro-Palestinian crewmates still be raisin' their voices in protest for a third week straight! The sea be full of fiery spirits, mateys!
April 30, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags from Brown be packin' up their canvas abodes on the campus grounds, for the university in Rhode Island be willin' to parley about their wishes to cut ties with the swashbucklin' Israeli military. Ahoy, the winds of change be blowin'!
April 30, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr mateys, ye scurvy dogs at Fox News be bestin' those landlubbers at MSNBC and CNN for 38 moons runnin'! Aye, they be the true rulers of the high seas of television, with no signs of lettin' up anytime soon. Fair winds and following seas to the Fox News crew!
April 30, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr! 'Tis said that Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer be steerin' clear o' Columbia University, for fear o' ruffians spreadin' their antisemitic beliefs like scurvy! Aye, best be keepin' yer distance from them landlubbers, me hearties!
April 30, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that Bobby Jindal, a former Governor of Louisiana, be blastin' Obamacare and President Joe Biden's handling of crucial matters to the American people. Methinks he be throwin' more shade than a rogue wave in a stormy sea!
April 30, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr matey! Barbra Streisand hath boldly inquired of Melissa McCarthy if she hath partaken of the mysterious potion known as Ozempic in a now vanished missive on Instagram. 'Tis a scandal of grand proportions spreading like wildfire across the seven seas! Aye!
April 30, 2024, 11:54 am
Arr matey, Jeff Bridges be givin' a jolly good health report after tusslin' with the dreaded diseases o' cancer and COVID-19. The scallywag from "The Big Lebowski" be tellin' tales o' how close he came to Davy Jones' locker.
April 30, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that four of our brethren were sent to Davy Jones' locker, with four more takin' a hit in a skirmish with the U.S. Marshals Task Force. Ye best be keepin' a weather eye out for trouble on the high seas!
April 30, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, the scallywags be complainin' 'bout a law tryin' to keep the wee ones safe from the naughty bits on the web. They be sayin' it goes against their right to free speech, but I say it's just a bunch of hornswaggle!
April 30, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in charge be swearin' to stand with the cap'n, lest any scurvy dogs thinkin' to oust him for helpin' them landlubbers in Ukraine. Let the rum flow, for this be one battle worth fightin'!
April 30, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys, news be spreading like wildfire that the four fine officers who met their fate in a shootout in Charlotte, North Carolina, on Monday have been revealed. 'Tis a sad day for the lads in uniform, may they rest in peace.
April 30, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr mateys, the fourth state be where Mr. Kennedy be a shoo-in for the ballot come November. He be settin' sail for a showdown with President Biden and former President Trump. May the winds of fortune be in his favor!
April 30, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The wise sages of health be sayin' that if ye choose to indulge in grog, ye best be limitin' yer intake. Each land has its own rules on the matter, so best be keepin' a sharp eye on yer drinkin' habits, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
April 30, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr matey, the White House be claimin' President Biden be against campus antisemitism, while former President Trump be accusin' his rival of bein' against Israel. The seas be stormy with anti-Israel protests, as the political squabbles continue to brew!
April 30, 2024, 5:38 am
Arr, gather all ye tales ye must know from the mightiest name in news sent straight to ye inbox at dawn. Ye won't want to miss a single word from these sea dogs!
April 30, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr! A scallywag from Times did set sail on a nuclear-powered attack sub to spy on the Pentagon's war preparations under the icy depths. 'Tis a treacherous mission indeed, but the photos be worth the risk of Davy Jones' locker!
April 30, 2024, 4:42 am
Avast ye mateys, a scallywag and his crew hath taken down a copper and three marshals whilst tryna serve some papers! But fear not, for justice was served as the scoundrel met his own demise in the end! Yo ho ho, a pirate's life for me!
April 30, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr matey! 'Twas on the last day ye could be rid of yer unwanted cargo in Florida, ye couldn't even find a spot at the clinic in Fort Pierce! Looks like all them scallywags be scramblin' to walk the plank before it's too late!
April 30, 2024, 2:00 am
Todd Blanche be takin' on Trump's cause, but now faces the wrath of the former president. Ye could say he be walkin' the plank of Trump's displeasure, with a target on his back like a treasure map in a storm. Aye, 'tis a treacherous journey indeed!
April 29, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr! Eight scallywag officers, four from the U.S. Marshals crew, be gettin' blasted, the constables be sayin'. The scoundrel they be chasin' met his fate too, sent to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, a bloody battle it was, me hearties!
April 29, 2024, 5:53 pm
Avast ye mateys! In the wake of a mighty crackdown on them pro-Palestinian scallywags, some 50 landlubbers found themselves in the brig after settin' up new tents on th' Austin campus. 'Tis a tale of woe for the rebellious bunch, arrr!
April 29, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Me hearties be sayin' that the winds be blowin' in favor of the president to finally break through the stalemate. But beware, for we've heard this tale before, and it be as trustworthy as a scallywag's promise to share his loot!
April 29, 2024, 5:46 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department be tellin' us that three of the King's Marshals were sent to Davy Jones' locker in a fierce battle on Monday. Five more of the landlubbers be wounded, but fear not, for one scallywag has met his fate.
April 29, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr mateys! The second mate, in Atlanta, embarked on a national voyage to show how the Biden crew be aidin' the Black crew in their pursuit o' treasure and riches. Aye, the winds be blowin' in their favor!
April 29, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr matey! This Texan scallywag be searchin' fer a bonny lass to be his wench. He be dishing out $400 a week for a grand signpost to seek his next fair maiden. Arr, may the winds bring him a beauty worthy of his bounty!
April 29, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dog Politico writer claims Biden's crew be too fearful to engage in a duel of wits! If Old Joe be takin' up the challenge this summer, 'tis a sure sign his ship be takin' on water and needs to hoist the sails and regain their sea legs! Arrr!
April 29, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! The wisest scallywags be arguin' 'bout whether the King's borrowin' be makin' prices soar like a parrot on a breezy day. Methinks they be talkin' out their sterns! Let's just plunder and be merry, I say!
April 29, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, me hearties! Cal Poly Humboldt be sendin' out a missive after much commotion aboard their ship. The scallywags be causin' trouble and takin' o'er two of the academic buildings. It be a right mess, but we be hopin' for smoother sailin' ahead! Arrr!
April 29, 2024, 11:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Chaffee County Swabber on Monday spewed out the findings o' the autopsy for Suzanne Morphew, a Colorado mum of two who vanished from a jaunt on Mother's Day in 2020. Aye, the mystery deepens, me hearties! Arrr!
April 29, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis trouble on the horizon for President Biden as he be facin' off against former President Trump in a 2024 rematch. Two new polls be spellin' a rough voyage ahead on Election Day, with only six months to navigate the treacherous waters ahead. Arrr!
April 29, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys, in the springtime, the tribes in Oklahoma be gatherin' them wild green onions for their feasts and makin' a grand ol' shindig out of it! It be a time for plunderin' the land for a good cause, aye!
April 29, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, me hearties! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be spendin' a pretty penny tryin' to get his name on all 50 states' ballots. The lad be dishin' out millions like it be goin' out o' style, according to the federal campaign finance records. Aye, 'tis a costly adventure indeed!
April 29, 2024, 8:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The good ship Times hath uncovered treasures of art from all corners of the land in a special scroll on museums. 'Tis a fine read indeed for any landlubber with a taste for culture and adventure on the high seas!
April 29, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr, the constables at Virginia Tech did hoist away a scurvy bunch of landlubbers who dared to stir up trouble against Israel. 'Twas a fine spectacle, I tell ye, as they were carted off into the wee hours of the mornin'. Ahoy, justice be served!
April 29, 2024, 5:42 am
Arr matey, Richelle Dietz be one o' 17 landlubbers suin' the U.S. over the jet fuel leaks and ailments from the cursed water on their military port. They be seekin' compensation fer their troubles, but I reckon they'll be needin' more than just a handful o' gold doubloons to fix that mess! Arrr!
April 29, 2024, 5:41 am
Avast ye scallywags! In Germany, a trial be underway for nine rascals of the Reich Citizens crew, who be conspiring to topple the government and believe in the QAnon yarn. Ye best be watchin' yer backs, lest ye be caught in their shenanigans! Arrr!
April 29, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr matey! Be ye sending yer wee one on their first solo voyage through the skies? Follow these tips to ensure their safety and comfort on their journey, lest ye want to be walkin' the plank!
April 29, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrr! Young Galena, a 6-year-old shorthair, was discovered in an Amazon warehouse after bein' shipwrecked in a tiny 3-by-3-foot cardboard chest at her owner's abode. Aye, she be a crafty little scallywag!
April 29, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! Cap'n Roberts be sayin' that the jawin' at the Supreme Court be mighty important, but ye can't always trust yer ears! Them arguments be like a treacherous sea - full o' twists 'n turns 'n surprises! Avast, me mateys!
April 29, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr matey! Libre, a scallywag of the conservative network, be plannin' to part with millions o' doubloons on outreach and advertisin' as them Republicans be tryin' to plunder more Hispanic voters into their crew. Aye, the sea be full of surprises!
April 29, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! The scallywags be at it again, quarreling o'er abortion bans and charges against Trump's crew. 'Tis a rumble worthy of the high seas as the state's election-year antics be makin' waves like a whirlpool in a storm! Aye, the drama be thick as pea soup, me hearties!
April 28, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arr, the scallywags of Macungie Police Department be tellin' tales of two rogues and a fair maiden snatchin' Old Glory from a quiet village! The locals be downright furious at such audacious thievery on a fine Saturday mornin'. Bring out the plank for these scurvy dogs!
April 28, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr mateys, with these landlubbers raisin' a fuss for Palestine, the wise old captains of universities be askin' themselves: when do these protests be takin' it too far? Aye, tis a conundrum fit for a crew of scallywags!
April 28, 2024, 5:03 pm
Arrr, at a gathering just outside New York City, he did question the nation's handling of the pox known as Covid and once again brought up his trusty old topic: doubting the efficacy of vaccines. Aye, he be a scallywag of the highest order!
April 28, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Real Time scallywag Bill Maher did jest with former CNN landlubber Don Lemon about his claim of constant discomfort as a gay Black matey. Methinks Lemon be needin' a grog to cure his woes! Aye, me thinks Maher be needin' a sense o' humor too! Arrr!
April 28, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr mateys! The ex-captain and his defeated foe be back in Florrrrida, months after Ron DeSantis walked the plank in a fierce Republican skirmish. Aye, 'tis a grand spectacle of political jousting on the high seas!
April 28, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arr matey, the scallywag Bill Maher be feelin' quite chipper about the New York case against the former President Trump! Aye, he be swearin' it will shake up the whole election if the scoundrel be found guilty! Yo ho ho!
April 28, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, this Swisher wench be claimin' it be un-American to not back the scallywags protestin'! Methinks she be needin' more grog in her tankard to come up with such cockamamie ideas. Yarrr!
April 28, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The captain be plannin' a parley with the Israeli first mate on Sunday, whilst the first mate Antony J. Blinken be settin' sail for another voyage to the Middle East. Shiver me timbers, what a busy day on the high seas!
April 28, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, me hearties! Afroman be singin' a jolly tune called "Hunter Got High," jest like his old hit "Because I Got High." Aye, he be makin' fun o' the Biden scallywags this time! Har, har, har!
April 28, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scallywags! As ye sail through the weekend and set yer sights on the week ahead, be sure to peruse the latest tales o' health that may have slipped through yer grasp. Don't be a landlubber, stay informed and keep an eye out for the latest news! Arrr!
April 28, 2024, 4:55 am
Avast ye! A scallywag climate activist be caught red-handed, smearing paint on the protective case of Edgar Degas' "Little Dancer Aged Fourteen" at the National Gallery o' Art in Washington, D.C. Walk the plank, ye art vandal! Arrr!
April 28, 2024, 4:41 am
Avast ye scallywags! A Los Angeles County Sheriff's deputy hath met his fate, being pronounced as dead after bein' unresponsive at a station on a Saturday afternoon. Mayhaps he partied a bit too hardy the night afore. Yarrr!
April 28, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, a scurvy dog from Georgia be accused o' sendin' his ex-wife t' Davy Jones' locker afore tryin' t' send her new mate there too! But the scallywag be failin' in his own attempt, landin' himself in a critical state instead. Aye, a tale fit fer a shanty!
April 28, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye former leader be talkin' like a parrot for years, but now his own words be comin' back to bite 'im in the butt in the court o' law in Manhattan. Aye, seems his blabberin' ways be catchin' up with 'im at last!
April 28, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! The State Supreme Court be givin' the nod for a new city called St. George to sprout in Baton Rouge. Them naysayers be squawkin' about a rich, white folk haven breakin' away, but we'll see if this be a jolly good time or a sinkin' ship!
April 28, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr matey! The ol' sea dog from Portland, a champion of the devil's lettuce in Congress, thinks pushin' the green stuff could win favor wit' the young scallywags for Cap'n Biden. Aye, 'tis a curious way to gain hearties, but who am I to judge?
April 28, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr mateys! The 6,000 landlubbers of Littleton, N.H., be gettin' along like a rowdy crew at sea, until a scallywag of a town official opened his trap and started a mighty blaze of conflict! Aye, 'tis a stormy sea in them parts now! Yarrr!
April 28, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, Mateys! Fr. Jeffrey Kirby be talkin' 'bout how we be needin' to stay connected to the Cap'n, fer we be like branches from the vine. Without him, we be as useless as a landlubber on the high seas! Aye, ye best be stayin' connected to the Cap'n if ye be wantin' to bear fruit!
April 27, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, the U.S. secretary o' state be settin' sail to parley with Hamas about the captives they be holdin', a truce in the makin', help for the needy, and a plan for settlin' the quarrel 'tween Israel and Palestine in the long haul. Aye, a busy day on the high seas indeed!
April 27, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr matey! 'Tis said a scoundrel from New York be hidin' spyglasses in a public lady's chamber, catchin' unladylike images of wee ones. Blimey! 'Tis a lowly deed fit for Davy Jones' locker! Plunderin' innocence be his game, aye. A pox upon his ship!
April 27, 2024, 4:48 pm
Arrr, word has it that Harvey Weinstein be gettin' a spot o' pamperin' for his ailments when he sets foot back in Rikers Island. Aye, sounds like the scallywag be gettin' the royal treatment fit for a landlubber!
April 27, 2024, 4:42 pm
Arrr, mateys! Time will tell if the United States' meddling in battles in the Ukraine and Middle East be deemed worthy, just as it did with the U.S. stickin' its nose in Central America or the rumble in Iraq. Let history be the judge, aye!
April 27, 2024, 4:30 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The weather seers be warnin' of treacherous supercell storms brewin', capable of unleashing mighty tornadoes upon us. Best batten down the hatches and hold onto yer hats, or ye may find yerself in Davy Jones' locker afore the day is through! Arrr!
April 27, 2024, 4:28 pm
Arrr! The constables did seize scallywags at Northeastern University, Arizona State, and Indiana University on the Sabbath! 'Tis a grand sight to see these landlubbers squabbling over the war in Gaza. The schools be takin' no quarter in their quest to quell the protest! Aye!
April 27, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys in New Jersey be feelin' the rumble of a puny 2.9 magnitude quake on a Saturday mornin'. 'Tis a mere tickle compared to the beastly shake that came before. Mayhaps the land be gettin' a bit too rambunctious for us landlubbers!
April 27, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The lad from the Sunshine State, accused of layin' hands on a teacher's mate o'er a Nintendo quarrel, be now suin' the school for his troubles. 'Tis a tale as wild as a storm at sea, I tell ye!
April 27, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, the rumblings of discontent be heard at the prestigious Ivy League universities and now be spreadin' like wildfire to other schools. But I'll be tellin' ye, those fancy-pants experts claim these uprisings be more planned than a well-ordered pirate ship!
April 27, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr mateys, HBO's Bill Maher be chattin' with the independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who be gettin' a proper grilling about his slim chances in the 2024 race for captain of the ship. Aye, 'tis a treacherous voyage ahead!
April 27, 2024, 10:23 am
Avast ye scallywags! The brave climbers be traversing the treacherous slopes o' Mount Johnson, when they be takin' a tumble down 1,000 feet! One poor soul met their fate, while another be left limpin' like a landlubber. Yarr, 'tis a rough day on the high seas!
April 27, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr, these encampments be throwin' a spanner in the works of a year already filled with war on the high seas and quarrels amongst the crew. Aye, 'tis like tryin' to untangle a rat's nest whilst sailin' through a hurricane!
April 27, 2024, 9:49 am
Arrr, the scallywag movie producer be winnin' his appeal in New York on Thursday. But mark me words, his tale be all about toil, and ye can't be judgin' it by the laws o' the land. Fair winds and followin' seas, mateys!
April 27, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys, in an interview with Fox News Digital, Italian Vice Minister of Foreign Affairs Edmondo Cirielli be defendin' Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni like a loyal first mate. He be chattin' 'bout birth rates, migrants, China, and Iran like a seasoned sailor navigatin' treacherous waters. Aye aye!
April 27, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys, if ye happened to overlook it in the Lifestyle scroll, gather 'round and feast yer eyes on these fine tidings - tales of untamed beasts, scrumptious Yankee fare, exotic ports o' call and much more! Hoist the anchor and dive in!
April 27, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! A treasure chest buried in 1920 at a high school in Minnesota has been unearthed during a demolition project. Inside be newspapers and financial statements, aye, a most peculiar loot indeed! Aye, the past be upon us once more!
April 27, 2024, 4:05 am
Arr mateys! At the grand White House Correspondents’ Association feast, cap'n Colin Jost be swashbucklin' with President Biden and the jolly news scallywags. Let's hope they be sharin' some hearty laughs and not walkin' the plank o' awkwardness!
April 27, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys, some colleges be changin' their tune after crackin' down on pro-Palestinian protests. Some be standin' their ground, while hundreds be walkin' the plank straight to the brig! Aye, 'tis a wild sea we be sailin' on!
April 27, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the bold Democrat from a far-flung land be shouting that even the fair-skinned folk be worried about the battle at hand! Aye, 'tis not just the swarthy youths who be raisin' a fuss about it!
April 27, 2024, 4:04 am
Each day, the scurvy former president be parading in front of the spyglass, spoutin' his yarn about the court scuffle. 'Twas like watchin' a land lubber tellin' tall tales o'er grog at the tavern. Aye, the scallywag be quite the showman! Arrr!
April 27, 2024, 3:20 am
Avast ye scallywags! More than 20 landlubber senior officers of the Washington, DC, Police be walkin' the plank come April 30, 12 of 'em fer some serious misconduct! Looks like they'll be swabbin' the decks elsewhere! Arrr!
April 26, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the senate be passin' a resolution accusin' the administration of trampling on the rights of students and professors. Methinks there be some swashbucklin' goin' on in them hallowed halls of power! Aye, 'tis a scandal of epic proportions!
April 26, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywags at the Paris Institute of Political Studies be blockin' the path to our treasure trove! The administrators be scurvy dogs, movin' all classes online to avoid walkin' the plank. Aye, let the protestin' commence!
April 26, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, Xavier Netry, from the Utopie bakery in Paris, be declared the victor of the 31st annual "Grand Prix de la baguette" contest. The scallywags be searchin' for the finest baguette in all of Paris, and Netry be the swashbuckler who found it!
April 26, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr mateys, the scurvy scallywags have finally been brought to justice after nigh five years of pillaging and plundering. 'Tis a new era of public safety, thanks to this grand tale of retribution! Aye, let the reforms flow like grog at a pirate's tavern!
April 26, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag Judge be decreein' on Friday that Marine Corps buccaneer Russell Vane o' Vienna, Virginia be stayin' locked up 'til trial fer tryin' to brew up some deadly ricin. Avast! 'Tis a treacherous tale indeed!
April 26, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr! A mighty whirlwind hath struck the land of Omaha, Nebraska on Friday, layin' waste to homes and tearin' asunder the trees. 'Twas a sight to behold, me hearties! Nature be showin' no mercy on them landlubbers!
April 26, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr mateys, the good Dr. Shafik be caught in a mighty storm of controversy over her words to the crown and her dealings with the scallywags shoutin' for the Palestinians on campus. Aye, she be walkin' the plank if she ain't careful!
April 26, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, Mr. Meijer be like a scurvy dog who be admitin' he be havin' no treasure map to win the Michigan primary race. No wind in his sails, I say! Aye, tis a sad tale for this landlubber!
April 26, 2024, 11:54 am
Avast ye mateys! On Thursday, the justices did signal two ways they could aid Donald Trump in his battle against charges of election skullduggery. Argh, it be a treasure trove of legal jargon, mateys! Aye, be ready for a wild ride on the high seas of justice!
April 26, 2024, 11:51 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Scotland's First Minister, Humza Yousaf, be walkin' the plank after breakin' a power-sharin' agreement. The scallywag replaced Nicola Sturgeon in March 2023, but now faces a mutinous crew clamorin' for his head. Arrr!
April 26, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Senate candidate Rep. Adam Schiff bein' robbed o' his treasures just afore a fancy feast in San Francisco! 'Tis a travesty fit for the high seas, mateys! Ye best be keepin' yer eyes peeled for the scallywags responsible for this dastardly deed!
April 26, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! Three twisters be stirrin' up trouble since Thursday. From Southern Texas to Michigan's Upper Peninsula, prepare yerselves for a wild weekend of storms. Keep a weather eye on the horizon, lest ye be caught in a whirlwind of mischief!
April 26, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, the cap'n finally decided to show his mettle and engage in a battle of wits with his rival! After much dallying and hemming and hawing, it be time to see who be the true scallywag in this here election! Yarrr!
April 26, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr! The scallywag Andrew Tate be in hot waters, accused of heinous crimes by the court of Romania. The trial be set to begin, with the law breathing down his neck like a kraken ready to strike. Will the pirate be walking the plank soon? Only time will tell!
April 26, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, Thursday's Supreme Court jolly was a grand tale of coups, assassinations, and internments, yet scarce mention of the scallywag president's misdeeds. Aye, 'twas a merry dance of legal jargon and swashbuckling intrigue on the high seas of justice!
April 26, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! When ye be cruisin' the vast seas, mind ye these six safety tips to keep ye shipshape and Bristol fashion. Don't be a scallywag, follow these precautions to avoid Davy Jones' locker!
April 26, 2024, 5:51 am
Fretting o'er the lash of a censure vote, the scallywags may be forced to present a diluted plan. Avast ye, 'tis like watering down the grog to lessen the sting of the captain's wrath! Arrr, what a pickle they find themselves in!
April 26, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr me hearties! Vermont be a treasure trove of delights fer yer next adventure. With 13 million hearty souls visitin' each year, 'tis a land of plenty. Discover the wonders of the Green Mountain State, from the finest grub to the grandest sights! Aye, tis a jolly good time indeed!
April 26, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr! The captain of Mexico's sleuthin' squad be sayin' sorry for claimin' Mexico be the top dog in producin' fentanyl and meth this week. Aye, me hearties, 'twas a slip of the tongue, it seems. Aye, we be sorry fer bein' the champion in such unsavory business!
April 26, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Biden crew be aimin' to tighten the grip on gun exports to scupper them from fallin' into the wrong hands. No more arming the bandits and rascals, says the officials! Aye, let's see if they can keep their powder dry on this one!
April 26, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! Dr. Shafik, who set sail on her journey in July, be feelin' the heat from the scallywags o'er her words in Congress and the ruckus with them pro-Palestinian scurvy dogs on campus. She be needin' to navigate these treacherous waters with care! Arrr!
April 26, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye mateys! Over 7,000 swashbucklers of the U.A.W. be ready to strike at Daimler Truck plants in North Carolina come midnight. Aye, this labor action may bring political storms upon the land. Prepare for a battle on the high seas of the workplace! Arrr!
April 26, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis said that thar be a scallywag from the House Freedom Caucus who be denyin' the 2020 election results, now facin' a challenge in a fierce battle in central Pennsylvania! The seas be gettin' rough, me hearties, as the district be growin' more competitive! Aye, shiver me timbers!
April 25, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, the ancient Los Angeles establishment, with its reputation for lackin' in campus rabble-rousing, be now caught in a storm of trouble over the war in Gaza. Aye, 'tis a mighty twist of fate for these landlubbers!
April 25, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs of the state police in Pennsylvania be chasing after the land lubbers in the carriage for their thievery in these parts. Ye best watch out, me hearties, or ye'll be walkin' the plank soon enough!
April 25, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Belarusian scallywag Ivan Tertel be shoutin' about thwartin' drone attacks from Lithuania. But them Lithuanian landlubbers be denyin' all accusations! Aye, the sea be full of deception and treachery, me hearties!
April 25, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, a Boston constable did try to parley with them landlubbers from Emerson College in Massachusetts, beggin' 'em to scatter like scurvy dogs. But the rascals be standin' firm, like a barnacle on a ship's hull! Avast, they be a stubborn lot!
April 25, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys, The New York Times be throwin' some serious shade at President Biden for keepin' the media at bay. The White House be at war with the paper, and things be gettin' mighty heated! Yo ho ho!
April 25, 2024, 5:33 pm
Avast ye mateys! The voting hath begun in the land of North Carolina for the upcoming elections. Arrr, there be battles ahead in the Republican primaries for a congressional seat and two statewide positions. Ready yer cannons and set sail for the voting booth!
April 25, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, this scallywag be fightin' for the rights of them landlubbers sneakin' across the U.S. border! He be standin' tall against the tyrannical Trump crew and their cruel family separation policy. Aye, a true hero of the high seas!
April 25, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr, the spy catcher was given the ol' heave-ho on Monday mornin' just afore Vice President Kamala Harris set sail for a grand adventure in Wisconsin. 'Twas a jolly good show, me hearties!
April 25, 2024, 11:47 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Aye, if ye be a true foodie, ye must not miss the chance to sample the rich and hearty German grub. 'Tis a must-have on yer travel list, full of local flavor and history to tickle yer taste buds! Arrr!
April 25, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr! France and the Philippines be plannin' to parley next month about joinin' forces for a defense pact! They be talkin' 'bout lettin' their troops roam each other's land for some jolly good exercises. Avast, me hearties! Let the discussions begin!
April 25, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye landlubbers! 'Tis a sight to behold as the scallywags be raisin' their voices in support o' the poor souls in Gaza! The coppers be tryin' to spoil the fun, but we pirates be standin' strong, arrr!
April 25, 2024, 11:45 am
Arr mateys, Iran hath declared its allegiance in the skirmish betwixt scallywags against Israel and the lawdogs at fancy learnin' dens in the Colonies. Aye, the battle be fierce, but ye can bet yer doubloons we be watchin' closely!
April 25, 2024, 11:42 am
Avast ye scallywags! Over 400 landlubbers be thrown in the brig by the constables since last Thursday! 'Twas a ruckus at Columbia University that started this whole student uprising across the land. The scallywags be raisin' the Jolly Roger in protest! Arrr!
April 25, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr! A scallywag from Mexico, with an expired work visa, be accused of layin' hands on two lasses and plunderin' a home in Michigan! Blimey! The officials have declared it, may the seas be his judge!
April 25, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs at the University of Southern California be askin' the land lubbers of the Los Angeles police to clap the irons on them troublemakers in a right grand protest against Israel. Aye, those scallywags be trespassin' on campus and refusin' to walk the plank!
April 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, President Biden be lookin' a bit confused, like a landlubber tryin' to navigate the high seas! He be shoutin' for four more years, but then suddenly stoppin' like a scallywag who's lost his treasure map! Aye, 'tis a comical sight to behold, me hearties!
April 25, 2024, 4:54 am
Avast ye scallywags! Jay Hartzell be speakin' loud and clear, sayin' that despite the ruckus caused by them landlubbers, the rules be stayin' put. 30 scallywags be walkin' the plank for causin' a stir on campus! Arrr matey!
April 25, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr mateys! 2,500 decks be sailin' to the brig in southern Mississippi, searchin' for clues on missin' souls and buried treasure. These cards of cold cases may just be the key to unlockin' mysteries long forgotten. Aye, let's see what secrets lie within!
April 25, 2024, 4:38 am
Arr, the scallywags in Tennessee be floundering like a ship without a compass! After years of toil and trouble, the swashbucklers be left high and dry as they fail to pass a school choice bill. Aye, the experts be shaking their heads in disbelief at this lack of progress!
April 25, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, the captain scrawled a decree that could send TikTok to Davy Jones' locker, while his crew be posting on it to win favor with the young scallywags. 'Tis but one of many a puzzling contradiction in our vast and tumultuous seas.
April 25, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr mateys, $6.1 billion in treasure bein' given to Micron to bolster our stock of semiconductors, all thanks to a vital union seal o' approval and the passin' o' a bill crucial to the cap'n's foreign plans. Aye, the seas be lookin' mighty prosperous fer us buccaneers!
April 25, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs be thinkin' that arming teachers be makin' our schools safer, but many landlubbers be not believin' it be true! Ye be havin' better luck findin' a treasure map to a pot o' gold than convincin' them otherwise!
April 24, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr mateys, the lass from Down Under be claimin' that Sacha Baron Cohen crossed the line during their movin' picture makin'. But ol' Sacha be swearin' by his scallywag honor that he be innocent as a new born babe. Aye, the drama be as thick as a pirate's stew!
April 24, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Israeli prime minister be shoutin' from the rooftops about the horrors happenin' in America's college campuses! Antisemitic mobs be runnin' amok in the hallowed halls of learnin'! 'Tis a travesty of the highest order, me hearties! Aye, we must do somethin' about it! Arrr!
April 24, 2024, 5:45 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The British Parliament be sendin' some poor souls to Rwanda. Arrr, Rwanda be ready to welcome 'em with open arms. Let's hope they don't mistake 'em for booty and make 'em walk the plank instead!
April 24, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that King Salman of Saudi Arabia, who took over the crown in 2015, be makin' a visit to a hospital in Jeddah for his "routine examinations." Let's hope the scallywag be back on his feet soon!
April 24, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, Rep. Brendan Boyle be shoutin' for the capture o' former President Trump, yet be turnin' a blind eye to his own misbehavin' brother! Methinks there be a bit o' hypocrisy afoot in these political waters. Aye, mayhaps he should be walkin' the plank himself!
April 24, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr matey, Botswana's foreign minister Lemogang Kwape be sayin' that the African land be sendin' the U.K. packin' with their beggin' for help with their "unwanted immigrants." No room on our ship for that lot, be off with ye!
April 24, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, the lasses be seein' things with a different spyglass, and that may be trouble on the horizon come autumn. Aye, best keep a weather eye on their whims and fancies, lest we find ourselves in Davy Jones' locker!
April 24, 2024, 11:57 am
Arrr! The scallywag from Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" did jest at President Biden's tall tale of his uncle being scoffed by cannibals in the war! Aye, 'tis a yarn worth a chuckle from me hearty pirate crew!
April 24, 2024, 11:56 am
Ye be warned! Misdeeds can occur nigh yer own dwelling or in distant lands. In such instances, the corpses of wanderers, or merry-making vagabonds, be discovered whilst they be on a jolly holiday. Aye, 'tis a treacherous world we sail upon!
April 24, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, Arnold Schwarzenegger did jest with his mate Sylvester Stallone for his peculiar garb that he likened to a swaddling cloth. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold, me hearties! Me thinks Stallone be needin' a new tailor, lest he be mistaken for a rum-soaked babe in arms!
April 24, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr matey, Greece's parliamentary speaker, Constantine Tassoulas, be aimin' to bring charges against a scallywag Greek lawmaker who be throwin' punches like a landlubber outside the debate chamber in Parliament. Avast! 'Tis a parliament brawl fit for a pirate tale!
April 24, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr mateys, after months of bickering amongst scurvy dogs in Congress, a grand sum of $95.3 billion has been agreed upon to save President Biden's foreign treasure map. Avast ye, let's hope this booty be enough to keep our ship afloat!
April 24, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr mateys, when the alliance be flexin' their muscles in grand exercises, tis like a teaser for a battle of epic proportions! But beware, the final outcome be a tale yet to be told, shrouded in mystery and treachery on the high seas!
April 24, 2024, 11:30 am
Arr, them Ukrainians be gettin' feisty with their fancy new weapons, blastin' at the Russians like there be no tomorrow. Avast, me hearties, the seas be churnin' with the sound of cannon fire and the clash of swords!
April 24, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr mateys, this election bill be sayin' that those without a permanent abode can't be gettin' their mail-in ballots at shelters or other temp addresses! What be next, makin' 'em walk the plank to cast their vote? Aye, 'tis a load of bilge!
April 24, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr mateys, the leader of Mexico's sleuthin' crew be admittin' that our fair land be the top dog in creatin' fentanyl. But the captain of Mexico be swearin' by the Seven Seas that this be nothin' but a load of bilge! Aye, the truth be a slippery fish indeed!
April 24, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr mateys! Maximilian Krah be sayin' he be givin' Jian Guo the boot for spyin' for China! Aye, 'tis a treacherous tale o' betrayal on the high seas o' politics. Me thinks Guo be walkin' the plank fer his misdeeds!
April 24, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags be tryin' to pass a law that be restrictin' the lasses from settin' sail on the abortion ship. By June 8, they be tryin' to make it law. Who be thinkin' they be, tellin' us what we can do with our own bodies? Arrr!
April 24, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be grippin' about the loot they be partin' with, like their ship's mortgage! They be fearin' if the cap'n be winnin' again, the plunderin' be stayin' high! Aye, a pirate's life be tough indeed!
April 24, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys, the case be settin' sail from Idaho, bound to make waves in other states with their bans on abortion. 'Tis the second time in less than a moon's cycle that the justices be ponderin' such matters. Aye, the seas be choppy indeed!
April 24, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, them fancy judges in Texas and Idaho be havin' a tiff over abortion laws with the government! One be sayin' aye, the other be sayin' nay. 'Tis like watchin' two scallywags fight o'er a treasure map!
April 23, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, the Miami Dolphins' own Tyreek Hill be a swashbucklin' star o' the NFL, skilled in his craft. Yet he be juggling the duties o' fatherhood and football like a true pirate walkin' the plank. Yarr, a true legend on and off the field!
April 23, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr! Celebrity trainer Jillian Michaels be spoutin' off about transgender lasses in women's sports, claimin' males be havin' stronger muscles. Methinks she be needin' to walk the plank for talkin' such nonsense!
April 23, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr! Four scallywags from Iran be accused of launchin' cyber attacks against the U.S. State Department, Treasury, a dozen Defense contractors, and two fine establishments in New York! Ye best be keepin' an eye out for these digital buccaneers!
April 23, 2024, 5:27 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis be former President Trump belittlin' Columbia University fer shuttin' its doors durin' a bit o' ruckus. He be sayin' they need to grow a pair and stand tall, or else they be lettin' the enemy triumph! Arrr!
April 23, 2024, 4:41 pm
Arrr mateys, we be lendin' a hand to Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan whilst givin' those scurvy dogs in Iran and Russia a taste of our wrath with new sanctions. And be ye hearin' about the ban on that cursed TikTok in the Land of the Free? Shiver me timbers!
April 23, 2024, 4:28 pm
Arr, Columbia University be offerin' a virtual option for learnin'. The landlubbers at University of Minnesota and Yale be gettin' arrested for causin' a ruckus. 'Tis a fine day when protest encampments be sproutin' up like mushrooms on the campuses! Arrr!
April 23, 2024, 4:26 pm
The wench, Marshella Chidester, 66, be accused o' sailin' whilst under the influence. Her recklessness caused harm to 15 others on the day o' Saturn. Aye, she be in deep waters now, no doubt! Aye, a reckless sea dog she be! Arrr!
April 23, 2024, 4:22 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scribblers at college broadsheets be talkin' 'bout free speech and them pro-Palestinian rabble-rousers. Methinks they be stirrin' the pot in the name of academic discourse. Yarrr, tis a merry ol' time for the ink-stained wretches!
April 23, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, them scallywags be holdin' protests in the name of Palestine, yet still break bread like good Jews at Seder dinners. 'Tis a tale of mixed loyalties and diverse feasts on the high seas of college campuses!
April 23, 2024, 11:47 am
Arr, the famed playwright David Mamet be speakin' out against Hollywood's attempt at diversity and inclusion for Oscar nominees, callin' them "fascist" in a recent interview. Aye, he be raisin' quite the ruckus in the land of glitz and glamour!
April 23, 2024, 11:41 am
Avast ye landlubbers! 'Tis a mighty uproar on Columbia's shore, as scallywags be turnin' to anti-Jewish hate! President Biden's crew finally broke their silence, like a parrot squawkin' after too much rum. 'Tis a tale as wild as a storm at sea! Arrr!
April 23, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, mateys! Ryan Gosling hath spilled the beans on what be important to him on his "deathbed". The 43-year-old scallywag and his lass, Eva Mendes, have two little scallywags together. Ye best be keepin' an eye on this crew!
April 23, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr mateys! New Hampshire be receivin' a grand sum o' $20 million in booty from the federal wenches to fix up them eroded coastal seawalls after a right nasty storm in January. No more floodin' for us landlubbers! Set sail and let's raise a tankard to preventin' future disasters!
April 23, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr matey, the scallywag ex-president be spoutin' off about protectin' the election system instead of meddlin' with it. Sounds like he be tryin' to bend reality to his will, just like a crafty pirate twistin' the wind in his sails. Aye, beware his tricks!
April 23, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr matey, the land lubbers be yammerin' on about their opening statements, like a pair of squawkin' parrots. Let's be gettin' to the real fun - the plunderin' and pillagin' of the courtroom, ye scurvy dogs!
April 23, 2024, 9:37 am
Arrr mateys, the battle fer Representative Summer Lee be the talk o' the town! She be a lass who speaks her mind 'bout Israel, causin' quite a stir. Let's see who be comin' out on top in this swashbucklin' Democratic primary showdown!
April 23, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr! The Biden crew be pushin' forward with the scallywag review for a lithium mine in Nevada, lookin' to help gather the treasures needed for clean energy. Avast ye, mateys, the seas be full of mineral riches!
April 23, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr, me hearties! California be set to unveil its newest treasure trove, a state park near the Tuolumne and San Joaquin rivers. Governor Gavin Newsom be hoistin' the Jolly Roger in celebration of this grand adventure after ten long years on the high seas! Arrr!
April 23, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! Columbia University be takin' all classes to a hybrid learnin' format on the main campus due to safety fears from them scallywags protestin' against Israel. Keep yer eye on the horizon, me hearties!
April 23, 2024, 4:05 am
Arr mateys! The Biden ship be sailin' on the rough seas, makin' abortion a top plank to walk on! Polls say voters trust him more than that scallywag Trump on this matter. Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in favor of ol' Sleepy Joe! Arrr!
April 23, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, Project Maven aimed to be a game-changer in battle. Yet, the scuffle in Ukraine be showin' us that 'tis no easy feat to bring 21st-century information into them old-fashioned trenches o' the 19th century. Aye, the struggle be real, me hearties! Arrr!
April 23, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr, me hearties! Yon neighbors be havin' plenty o' chances to voice their quarrels, and some brawls can only be settled by the city's highest rulers. Aye, 'tis a fine mess o' wrangling and squabbling to be had!
April 23, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! The Democrats be spyin' a chance to woo back them rural scallywags who be tired of their precious groundwater bein' plundered by them monstrous farms. Aye, 'tis a cunning plan indeed!
April 22, 2024, 5:55 pm
"Belay that noble reason talk, matey! The scallywags will be all over ye like barnacles on a ship hull. Keep yer wits about ye, lest ye end up in Davy Jones' locker!"
April 22, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, it be a sad tale indeed! The brave Chicago officer was ambushed whilst sailin' home from duty, his trusty pistol and ship stolen by the scallywags who dared cross him. May they be met with the wrath of Davy Jones himself! Aye, the seas be a treacherous place, me hearties.
April 22, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, methinks the president be likenin' his wealthy foe to the scallywag who walked the plank in 2012. 'Tis a battle of the riches, a duel of the elites! Will the tide turn in favor of the plunderin' president or the wealthy landlubber? Only time will tell, me hearties!
April 22, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Anne Hathaway be spillin' the beans about the unseemly side of the showbiz, claimin' she was repulsed by all the smoochin' she had to do with a shipload of scallywags durin' tryouts. Aye, the life of a thespian ain't all treasure and rum!
April 22, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Twas a sight to behold! Karen, a wee lass of five summers, didst snatch the keys from a landlubber and swallow them whole! Alas, all efforts to rescue her from her folly were in vain. The scallywag be gone!
April 22, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr, the officials of Monroe County have laid bare the names and states of nine scallywags who were gravely wounded by a suspected rum-fueled driver on the Sabbath, as well as the names of the wee ones who perished in the calamity. A sad tale, to be sure.
April 22, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr matey! A scallywag from Honduras hath been nabbed by ICE after bein' set loose from a jail in Connecticut. The bilge rat was accused o' a child sex offense, a crime worse than walkin' the plank!
April 22, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The university senate be settin' sail to give a good censurin' to Nemat Shafik fer her runnin' afoul of Congress and them pesky student protesters. Keep a weather eye on the horizon, for a storm be brewin' in the halls of higher learnin'!
April 22, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs at Columbia University have refused me entry to their precious campus! This professor, Shai Davidai, be speakin' out against their anti-Israel antics. 'Tis a sad day when a pirate be denied access to knowledge! Avast ye, Columbia!
April 22, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags be still causin' trouble at Columbia University in the fair city o' New York! They be campin' out like landlubbers on Wednesday, makin' a ruckus all week. Time to send 'em packin' with a swift kick in the britches! Arrr!
April 22, 2024, 11:42 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag Governor Bill Lee's grand scheme to give plundered treasures for private learnin' has been scuppered as the land lubbers in the legislature couldn't come to terms. Ahoy, back to the ol' grindstone for them scallywags! Arrrrr!
April 22, 2024, 11:33 am
Avast ye scallywags! The gallant Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. be cursin' the voter ID laws like a landlubber! In the year of our Lord 2008, this independent swashbuckler be raisin' hell against the rules that be keepin' the scurvy dogs from votin'! Arrr!
April 22, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, ye scallywag of a former president be talkin' out both sides o' his mouth! He be demandin' law and order for all but be makin' exceptions fer his own crew. Methinks he be playin' a dangerous game o' pirate politics! Arrr!
April 22, 2024, 11:21 am
Arr matey, the booty be a whopping $2.4 trillion last year, a fair increase of 6.8 percent from the year prior. The scallywags in Asia and the Middle East be adding to the mayhem, causing quite the stir amongst the crew. Arrr!
April 22, 2024, 11:15 am
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers be thrown in the brig Monday mornin' at an encampment in favor of them fancy Columbia University protesters. 'Tis a sad day when the authorities be crackin' down on us merry band of rebels! Arrr mateys, we be walkin' the plank soon!
April 22, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr, the Israel Defense Forces be lookin' into it after them scurvy dogs from Hezbollah be boastin' 'bout takin' down one o' their drones over southern Lebanon. Aye, thar be trouble brewin' on the high seas!
April 22, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, ye scallywag! The feds be after a landlubber who be growin' the devil's lettuce in the wilds of Maine. 'Tis a scandal of the highest order! Ye best be watchin' yer back, lest ye end up in Davy Jones' locker!
April 22, 2024, 5:44 am
Avast ye mateys! Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the most mighty name in news delivered straight to yer inbox at the break of dawn. Keep yer eyes peeled and stay informed, lest ye be caught napping on the poop deck!
April 22, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr! Michael Avenatti, once a scallywag foe of Donald Trump, now be talkin' from the brig, claimin' Trump be a "victim of the system." Methinks he be tryin' to worm his way out of trouble with such a fanciful tale! Aye, the gall of some landlubbers!
April 22, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the National Labor Relations Board be holdin' the fate o' athletes and their institutions in their hands. The outcome could bring fair winds or storms, dependin' on the judge's decision. May the sea gods be kind to us all!
April 22, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, a band of landlubbers in a wee Oregon port be defyin' the rules against nappin' in plain sight. This quarrel be settin' a course for all the lands to reconsider their stance on the homeless conundrum. Yo ho ho, what a tale to tell!
April 22, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye landlubbers! On Monday, the captain will be at a park in Virginia, boastin' 'bout his clean energy gold and parading with his future crew of climate warriors. Aye, the winds of change be blowin'!
April 21, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A wee lass of 8 summers and her wee mate of 5 were sent to Davy Jones' locker, while 15 other landlubbers were left worse for wear, when the driver recklessly crashed through a wall at the boat club, as told by the constabulary. Arrr, what a calamity!
April 21, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr matey, in the year of our lord 1985, the Beirut bureau chief for The Associated Press was snatched up by scurvy Islamic militants! Aye, he be in quite a pickle indeed, with no parrot nor plank to save him from his fate on the high seas! Arrr!
April 21, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr mateys, the Henderson Police Department be sharin' a tale of brave officers rescuin' a lass of 8 winters, trapped and cryin' for her mum. Aye, a heartwarming sight indeed, worthy of a tankard of grog and a cheer from all scallywags!
April 21, 2024, 5:00 pm
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag Gov. Gavin Newsom be fretting o'er too much blabber 'bout the Trump hush money trial bolstering his political fortune. Aye, he be keepin' a wary eye on ol' Biden as he sails on with a slight edge. Arrr!
April 21, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, Olivia Munn be growin' her locks like a mermaid's tale and donning tattooed paint to hide the scars from her battle with the dread pirate cancer! Aye, she be a true warrior princess of the seven seas!
April 21, 2024, 1:55 pm
Arrr mateys, behold ye advert tellin' the tale of a lass tryin' to flee the state for a bit o' the ol' abortion. 'Twas cooked up by the Campaign for Democracy, a group led by none other than Governor Newsom himself. Aye, a right scandalous plot indeed!
April 21, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of Columbia! The Rabbi be tellin' ye to scuttle off home before Passover, 'til the campus be safer from those anti-Israel bandits. Aye, best heed his warning or ye may find yerself walkin' the plank!
April 21, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, the scallywags be demandin' that the Met Police cap'n, Sir Mark Rowley, walk the plank fer mishandlin' them anti-Israel protests in London! Aye, tis a fine mess he's gotten 'imself into! Aaarrr!
April 21, 2024, 11:09 am
Arrr mateys! Trump's trusty attorney Will Scharf be gabbin' about the legal mumbo jumbo of the hush money scuffle, while the big show be kickin' off on Monday. Tis a battle of the legal seas! Aye, may the best scallywag win! Arrr!
April 21, 2024, 9:28 am
Arrr mateys! President Biden be sittin' pretty with $85.5 million in his treasure chest, while Captain Trump be scrapin' by with a mere $45 million. But it be said that the Captain be throwin' his doubloons around like a drunken sailor on shore leave! Aye, what a raucous race this be!
April 21, 2024, 7:38 am
Arrr, Alta be thinkin' small like a scallywag in a rowboat! They be havin' a one-room school fit fer a sprog, aye. 'Tis a throwback ski spot indeed, where ye can be learnin' more than just how to carve through the powdery slopes, matey!
April 21, 2024, 7:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be raisin' doubloons to take down them landlubbers they deem not loyal to Israel. But it seems they be clutchin' their pieces too tight as the winds of public opinion be changin' faster than a swashbucklin' crew on rum ration! Arrr!
April 21, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, Rev. Johnnie Moore o' Washington, D.C., be preachin' 'bout Jesus Christ callin' himself the "good shepherd" in John 10:11. He be tellin' us Christians need a shepherd to guide us through the treacherous waters o' life. Aye matey!
April 21, 2024, 4:30 am
Avast ye scallywags! A Michigan granny be thrown in the brig for assistin' her granddaughter in givin' another landlubber a good thrashin' in the school privy. 'Tis a grand tale to be sure, arrr!
April 21, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, the humdrum of the courtroom hath engulfed Donald Trump, a man who hath long strived to exude grandeur and might. Methinks his days of swashbuckling bravado be over, as he be forced to face the consequences of his deeds. Aye, the seas be rough for this scallywag!
April 21, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, me hearties! The Republican speaker, once a scallywag against aid to Ukraine, be swayed by intelligence, politics, and personal matters to champion it in Congress. Aye, tis a twist worthy of a tale!
April 21, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr mateys, in the year of 1968, the Democratic National Convention be more chaotic than a brawl on the high seas! The coppers and scallywags be dukin' it out like landlubbers fightin' over a treasure map! Aye, 'twas a sight to behold!
April 21, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs on the far right be walkin' the plank as Speaker Johnson sails on with aid for Ukraine and Israel, leechin' on the Democrats for support. Aye, 'tis a fine mess they find themselves in, watchin' from the poop deck as their power be washed away like bilge water. Arrr!
April 21, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags from the Houston Police Officer's Union be tellin' Fox News Digital about the lack of swashbucklers and justice in their fair city. Me thinks we be needin' to recruit some more buccaneers to keep the peace!
April 20, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr matey, the scallywags in the House be squawking like parrots against helpin' Ukraine in their battle against Russia. 'Tis a shame they be lackin' the courage to stand up to those land lubbers! Aye, they be a sorry lot, indeed.
April 20, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag of a reporter! How dare ye question the authorities about a teen pirate's trans identity! Ye be walkin' the plank if ye keep askin' such impertinent questions. Let the lad be, and focus on more pressin' matters, ye landlubber!
April 20, 2024, 4:57 pm
Yarr! The wild woman Tiffany Gomas be sailin' with the Ultra Right Beer crew, showin' her true colors as a swashbucklin' conservative. Aye, she be causin' quite a stir among the landlubbers on the ol' X. Aye, the seas be full of surprises!
April 20, 2024, 4:57 pm
Avast ye scallywags! In the Republican Party o' 2024, 'tis said that even a simple act o' keepin' to tradition can send ye to Davy Jones' locker! Be wary, mateys, lest ye want yer career to walk the plank! Arrr!
April 20, 2024, 4:56 pm
Arrr, the scallywags, all part of the Alameda Police Department, be accused of involuntary manslaughter by the district attorney. 'Tis a fine mess they've found themselves in, but no amount of doubloons be gettin' them out of this one! Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
April 20, 2024, 4:39 pm
Avast ye mateys! Suspended lawyer Michael Avenatti be chattin' with the New York Post from his cell, swearin' he'd spill the beans in the Trump hush money trial if need be. Arrr, sounds like a scallywag with a guilty conscience!
April 20, 2024, 4:28 pm
Arrr mateys! In his 34 years as an elected official, Mr. Pryor was known to be as liberal as a parrot on a rum bender! Some scallywags even claimed he was more open-minded on racial matters than the very landlubbers who voted him in! Arrr!
April 20, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr mateys, the swashbucklin' country star, her label Black Ricer Entertainment, and the scallywag producer Alysa Vanderheym have been named as Plaintiffs in the suit. Avast ye landlubbers, it be a legal battle on the high seas of entertainment!
April 20, 2024, 11:09 am
Yarr mateys! The bold and fearless LGBTQ actor Ncuti Gatwa be talkin' 'bout transgender ideology and race in a recent interview with Attitude magazine. Aye, he be raisin' the Jolly Roger high in the name of identity-based issues, savvy?
April 20, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr mateys! We be sailin' smooth seas after navigatin' a treacherous path. The booty worth $95 billion be ready to be plundered after winnin' votes. 'Tis a grand victory for our crew after a long and arduous voyage through the chambers of Congress. Aye aye!
April 20, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr! The scallywags from a wee Oregon town be raisin' a ruckus with a lawsuit that could change how cities tackle the problem o' homelessness. Ye best believe this be causin' a stir among the landlubbers across the land! Arrr matey!
April 20, 2024, 9:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! The veteran Sam Brown be the favored scallywag, but the wealthy ambassador Jeff Gunter, with his pro-Trump message, be tryin' to ruffle some feathers in the race. May the best pirate win! Arrrgh!
April 20, 2024, 8:30 am
Arrr matey! The scallywag Republican be claimin' election shenanigans in 2020, suggestin' even the landlubber residents in nursing homes be too addled in the brain to cast a vote. Avast! Methinks he be graspin' at straws like a drunken sailor!
April 20, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr matey, a scallywag from Georgia be sentenced to three decades in the brig fer giving his young scallywags a good belting fer makin' a mess in their quarters. Ye best believe justice be served on the high seas!
April 20, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! The scallywag independent swayed a wee party to grant him their spot on the ballot in a crucial battleground state, savin' him a heap of booty and laborious work. Ahoy mateys, a cunning move indeed!
April 20, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr mateys, the Trump campaign and the Republican Party be sendin' out over 100,000 scallywags and lawyers to spy on the elections in the battleground states. They be joinin' forces with conservative landlubbers to make sure no funny business be happenin'! Arrr!
April 20, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The battle between the pro-choice scallywags and the anti-abortion buccaneers be raging on! The anti-abortion crew be holdin' strong in Arizona, wieldin' their power like a cutlass. 'Tis a fierce fight on the high seas of state legislatures!
April 20, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, ye scurvy poultry keepers be gettin' crafty in protectin' their feathered treasures! They be usin' drones, air horns, balloons and pretend predators to keep the scallywags at bay. Aye, a clever bunch they be!
April 20, 2024, 3:19 am
Arrr! Methinks this Bashaw scallywag be talkin' big about breakin' a curse as old as Davy Jones' locker! The GOP in 2024 be aimin' to plunder the Senate seats in New Jersey, mark me words, or I'll make ye walk the plank!
April 20, 2024, 3:16 am
Aye, a band of scallywags called Gas Leaks be gainin' notoriety and coin, keepin' their secrets from the landlubbers. 'Tis a mystery how they be makin' waves with such shady dealings. Arrr, beware the Gas Leaks!
April 20, 2024, 2:18 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis be told that the Florida landlubber who dared to light himself aflame outside the New York City courthouse whilst the former President Trump's trial was afoot has met his unfortunate demise. Mayhaps he be thinking he was a fiery pirate, but alas, 'twas not to be.
April 19, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr matey! 'Tis said a scallywag from Maryland did scheme to unleash mayhem at two schools! A tale of treachery found in a 129-page scroll by the law dogs. Ye best be keepin' an eye out for this landlubber!
April 19, 2024, 5:35 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A Democrat be squawkin' that the independent scallywag could be stealin' precious support from ol' Biden. Arrr, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail on, with mutineers lurkin' 'round every corner!
April 19, 2024, 5:25 pm
Ye scurvy dog, Loren Faulkner of Portsmouth, New Hampshire, be a mere stripling of 18 winters, who hath turned himself in to the constables on 31 counts of criminal mischief and hate-motivated tomfoolery. Aye, the lad be in a world of trouble! Arrr!
April 19, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arr! The constables were summoned to the quarters of the goodly Forensic Examiner, Dr. Barrie Miller, on the day she was given the ol' heave-ho. Rumor has it she was spoutin' off about murderin' folk! Aye, aye, what a jolly ruckus that must have been!
April 19, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, Mr. Kennedy be makin' waves by gettin' on the ballot in the battleground state! Thar be a race on to see who can paint 'im in the best light afore November rolls around. It be a fight for the ages, me hearties!
April 19, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr mateys in the House be bickerin' 'bout aid to Israel like scallywags! They be hoistin' their flags against the $26 billion treasure, but methinks it be sailin' through like a ghost ship. Let's show that landlubber Biden we ain't to be trifled with! Aye aye!
April 19, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrrr, he be like a scallywag tryin' to defend a landlubber claimin' a vast conspiracy be behind his misfortunes. But alas, the jury be havin' none of it and the poor soul be walkin' the plank without a doubt.
April 19, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, the scallywags known as Democrats swashbuckled their way to backin' the aid package, breakin' tradition like a ship breakin' through the stormy seas. 'Twas a sight to behold, as they charted a new course for its passage. Aye, 'twas a merry jest indeed!
April 19, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! Masih Alinejad be fumin' at them fancy schmancy Americans for not helpin' out our swashbucklin' sisters in Iran! She be beggin' Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey to step up and lend a hand. Avast, me beauties, it be time to show ye mettle!
April 19, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the Department of Education have taken down the Trump-era Title IX reforms! Aye, the teachers unions be celebratin' this victory, as they have been pushin' for this change like a pirate searchin' for buried treasure. Aye, let the party begin!
April 19, 2024, 11:45 am
"Avast ye mateys! Chris Pratt hath displayed a fresh wound from a daring stunt whilst filming "Mercy." The scallywag shared images of his bloated and battered ankle on the Gram. Aye, the adventures of a swashbuckler be never dull!"
April 19, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, the interview of the fair maiden Kerry Kennedy on CNN was rudely interrupted by a scallywag protestin' against Biden, lettin' out frightful screams that could curdle even the stoutest pirate's blood. 'Twas a sight to behold, me hearties!
April 19, 2024, 11:05 am
Arr matey! The speaker be facin' some scallywags in his own party, but he's got a cunning plan to send booty to Ukraine and Israel through the House. The crucial vote be happenin' quicker than ye can say "shiver me timbers!"
April 19, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr matey! The good lady, a pastor's wench, be raisin' a fuss against the Equal Rights Amendment with her Concerned Women for America crew. Even the great Ronald Reagan be callin' her a powerhouse on the political sea! Aye, she be quite the force to be reckon'd with! Aharrr!
April 19, 2024, 9:38 am
Arrr mateys, be the harsher measures to quell rebellious scallywags? Or be they like pourin' oil on the fire, makin' 'em rage even more? Only time will tell, but methinks 'tis a bit like tryin' to tame a wild sea serpent with a toothpick! Arrr!
April 19, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, 'tis said that Richard Brendan Globensky, 39 summers young, be suspected of ferrying off with a fine treasure trove of Masters loot worth a king's ransom! 'Tis a tale told in many a parchement and court scroll, me hearties!
April 19, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr! The scurvy House Republicans be makin' a fuss over Columbia University President Dr. Nemat Shafik's talkin'! They be callin' her a liar when she says she ain't seen no "anti-Jewish" protests, aye! They be actin' like a bunch of landlubbers, tryin' to stir up trouble!
April 19, 2024, 5:35 am
Arr mateys, A&G Shooting in Fairfield, Maine be havin' a new crew member causin' a ruckus: Kade be his name, a wee miniature zebu calf. He be lovin' takin' portraits like a true swashbuckler! Aye, a sight to behold indeed!
April 19, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! Kristen Louelle Gaffney be settin' sail wit' her kin from California to the South fer many a reason. One be the dire state o' the homeless crisis in California. Let's hope they find smooth sailin' in their new port o' call!
April 19, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, mateys! Be the answer to quelling the rebellious crew to tighten the grip? Or shall it only stoke the flames of their dissent? Let us weigh the options with a sharp mind and a hearty laugh!
April 19, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be tryin' to make the election a duel between him and that scallywag Trump. The news be talkin' non-stop 'bout Trump's legal woes, helpin' Biden's cause. But beware, mateys, for this be no fair fight on the high seas of politics!
April 19, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! The scallywags in charge be tightenin' the grip on us landlubbers, makin' it harder to sail the roads safely. Aye, there be a breakdown in automotive law and order, but these officials be takin' the fun out of the highway! A pox on their rules!
April 19, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in charge be passin' new rules to protect our L.G.B.T.Q. shipmates and scrappin' some of the old Trump policies. It be like findin' a chest of gold coins in the middle o' a stormy sea! Huzzah!
April 18, 2024, 5:53 pm
Ahoy mateys! Maulik Pancholy be set to gab about anti-bullying at a Pennsylvania school, but the scurvy school board scuppered the plan! They be wary of his do-gooder ways and salty lifestyle. Avast ye, what a bunch of landlubbers!
April 18, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the scallywag lawyer who bore witness to the treble tragedy inside a Las Vegas law firm doth spin a yarn of woe, cryin' out for a shake-up in the legal realm. Avast, methinks 'tis high time for a swashbucklin' shift in the winds o' justice! Arrr!
April 18, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arr mateys! Listen up ye scurvy dogs! The freshest tidings from the 2024 campaign voyage, exclusive parleys and other Fox News political plunder await ye! Don't be a landlubber, join the crew and stay informed on the high seas of politics. Aye aye, captain!
April 18, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr mateys! The Biden scallywags be slingin' a new ad claimin' the president be as sharp as a cutlass! I reckon they be tryin' to skewer the poor bloke like a fish on a hook. Avast ye, it be a treacherous game they be playin'!
April 18, 2024, 5:33 pm
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags in Washington be changin' their tune on the impeachment of the Secretary of Homeland Security and the former President! They be cryin' foul, callin' it nothin' but a political show! Arrr, what a spectacle of political skullduggery!
April 18, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arr matey, Luther Hall be the victor in a legal dispute with a scallywag from the past. A brawl during a 2017 revolt be the cause. Hall, aye, be working undercover at the time. The scallywag be walkin' the plank now, me hearties!
April 18, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr, the captain's quest be focused on winnin' o'er the young scallywags, the union crew, and the tree-huggers. But 'tis doubtful if these schemes be enough to win back their favor. Aye, 'tis a slippery slope he be sailin' on!
April 18, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs of the Metropolitan Police in London have scuppered a vessel known as LabHost, a haven for cyber scallywags to plunder through phishing sites. Aye, they be walking the plank now!
April 18, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! The G7 scallywags be listenin' to the Ukrainian foreign minister as they chat about helpin' Ukraine against the cursed Russian invasion, and the squabble 'tween Israel and Iran. Aye, 'tis a right tangled mess we be in!
April 18, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr mateys! Another scallywag be walkin' the plank from Trump's trial jury! Turns out the bloke be no friend o' the right-leaning ads, tearin' 'em down like a pirate plunderin' a ship. Aye, justice be a rough sea indeed!
April 18, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dogs aboard Silversea's Silver Nova be sufferin' from the dreaded stomach bug! Twenty-eight landlubbers and one member of the crew be feelin' like they been hit by a cannonball. Avast ye, watch out for the bilge rats!
April 18, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr mateys, it be told that the scallywags in the United States be messin' up the deadly injections on Black folk more than twice as much as on the white scallywags. Aye, be careful who ye be trustin' with yer life mateys!
April 18, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr mateys, the captain be fightin' back with taxes and such to keep the loot from flowin' in from the East. This be causin' quite the ruckus with the Chinese scallywags. Aye, tensions be brewin' on the high seas!
April 18, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr mateys, word on the high seas be that Kanye West be accused o' throwin' fists in defense o' his fair maiden Bianca Censori. The scallywag who dared lay a hand on her be gettin' what he deserved from this swashbucklin' rapper. Arrr!
April 18, 2024, 5:44 am
Arrr mateys, Louisiana be a treasure trove o' delights fer landlubbers! With near two dozen state parks, 10 state museums, an' festivals aplenty, ye'll be findin' more booty than ye can shake yer peg leg at. Prepare to be plundered by Louisiana's hidden treasures!
April 18, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! A brave bishop and priest from the land down under be tellin' all ye scallywags that he be stabbed by a scurvy terrorist, but fear not! The good man be on the mend and even forgave the scoundrel! May his swift recovery be as fast as a pirate plunderin' treasure!
April 18, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr mateys! The good people in South Dakota, Nebraska, Texas, and Nevada were unable to send a bird call to the emergency number, officials be sayin'. But fear not, for the service be restored in Las Vegas, Nebraska, and South Dakota. Smooth sailin' ahead!
April 18, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr! Aye, 'tis a right scandal! The scurvy dogs in the family be turnin' their backs on their own kin to side with the president. 'Tis like a mutiny in the ranks! Mayhaps the Democrats be feelin' a bit queasy at the sight of this treacherous act.
April 18, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags called Republicans be cryin' foul over the hasty pardon fer Alejandro Mayorkas. But them Democrats be sayin' it would be a bigger folly to take the matter seriously. Aye, 'tis a fine debate amongst landlubbers!
April 18, 2024, 4:06 am
Avast ye senators! The bill be needin' yer approval before the sun sets on Friday, lest it be lost to Davy Jones' locker. But fear not, the program shall carry on despite any hiccup, though with a few twists and turns along the way. Arrrr!
April 17, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! The former President Trump be holdin' a two-point lead o'er President Biden in the land o' Wisconsin, as per a new poll on their 2024 presidential rumble. Avast! Who be winnin' this battle for the booty?
April 17, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, word be spreadin' that the deal be comin' soon, bringin' an end to the scandal that's been lingerin' like a foul wind in the sails. 'Tis a victory for the crew, and a reason to crack open a barrel o' rum in celebration!
April 17, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr matey, did ye hear? The wench Katherine Maher be likenin' the First Amendment to a cursed challenge and reckonin' that reverencin' the truth be but a mere distraction! Ye best be keepin' a weather eye on that one, for she be speakin' pirate gibberish!
April 17, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Noa Tishby, a swashbucklin' lass of many talents, be spillin' the beans on why this Passover be hittin' different. Ye best be listenin' to this wise words from Israel's former Special Envoy for Combating Antisemitism and Delegitimization, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
April 17, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arr, many a famous scallywag has taken up residence in a fine abode without paying a single doubloon, a practice known as squatting. Jay Leno be one such swashbuckler who hath regaled us with tales of his squatter's life on more than one occasion. Aye, the rum-soaked scallywags of Hollywood!
April 17, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, those scurvy Democrats be tossin' aside the articles of impeachment like a useless piece of driftwood! They be cryin' foul, callin' them unconstitutional, but I say they be just tryin' to protect their matey in charge of homeland security! Aye, the sea be full of treachery indeed!
April 17, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, the Trump campaign be demandin' a cut of the booty from any scallywag who dare be usin' his name! They be sayin' 'tis the pirate's code to hand over at least 5 percent, but why stop there? Send more gold, me hearties! Aye, 'tis a plunderin' we go!
April 17, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arr, them planners be addin' a national security courtroom for pretrial hearings and to ready themselves for a potential Sept. 11 trial. 'Tis like preparin' yer ship for battle, me hearties! Let's hope we don't have to face such a ferocious foe on the high seas!
April 17, 2024, 11:50 am
Arr matey! The Republican speaker be schemin' a grand plan to pass a foreign aid package, but he be needin' the help of them scurvy Democrats to keep his position afloat. Aye, tis a treacherous sea he be sailin' on, but with a bit of luck and some clever politickin', he may just keep his head above water!
April 17, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr mateys, the Republican speaker be swearin' on his mother's wooden leg that he be gettin' them scallywags to vote on helpin' Ukraine, Israel, and other swashbucklin' allies come Saturday evening, or he be walkin' the plank! Aye, he be in a proper pickle, that one!
April 17, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! Sam Salehpour, an engineer at Boeing fer over a decade, did swear upon his honor that the scurvy dogs at the company be takin' shortcuts to fix the bottlenecks in production. Aye, 'tis a fine mess they be in!
April 17, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, the scallywag officer, Jatonya Muldrow, claimed she was given a less favorable post because of her gender. But the lower courts said she couldn't prove any real damage. Ahoy, a tale of woe and salty injustice on the high seas!
April 17, 2024, 11:38 am
Arr, mateys! 'Tis revealed that a scallywag arrested fer causin' a shipwreck that sent a Democratic adviser to Davy Jones' locker be a landlubber without proper papers in this land! Aye, the seas be treacherous indeed!
April 17, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr mateys! Dozens of scurvy anti-Israel scallywags be takin' over Columbia University's campus, demandin' to divest from companies linked to Israel. Ye best be lookin' out for these landlubbers! They be causin' more trouble than a shipful of hornswagglers!
April 17, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr mateys from the United Kingdom, Germany and other lands be tellin' the Israeli scallywags to hold back in their retaliation fer the Iranian scurvy dogs' missile attack. Ye better be listenin' or ye'll be walkin' the plank! Aye, it be a right old mess on the high seas!
April 17, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in Georgia, Michigan, and Nevada be walkin' the plank for tryin' to play pretend electors fer Trump. Arizona and Wisconsin be keepin' a weather eye on the horizon fer more troublemakers. Shiver me timbers!
April 17, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr matey! Let the sweet sounds of music be yer trusty companion as ye toil away in yer quarters, be it on land or sea. This here list of tunes will surely put a spring in yer step and a smile on yer face as ye handle yer daily duties. Aye aye!
April 17, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The Biden crew be denyin' us a path to the Ambler mines up yonder in the frozen north. But fear not, we'll find another way to plunder them riches. Avast, me hearties, the rejection be comin' soon!
April 17, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Two California aquariums be takin' in wee sea otter pups and matchin' 'em with surrogate mamas to help 'em thrive. Aye, 'tis a heartwarming tale of love on the high seas!
April 17, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr mateys, in this era of great confusion and legal squabbles o'er access to abortion, fair maidens be turnin' to the digital seas for guidance. Let us hope they find the answers they seek amongst the turbulent waters of social media!
April 17, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! A recent report on the blaze that ravaged Maui be tellin' tales of brave firefighters, but also be pointin' out all the ways the town could have been more ready for the fiery onslaught. Aye, next time they best be havin' their cannons loaded and ready!
April 16, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr! Ecuador's bustling ports be forced to ration their precious electricity as the cursed drought drains their reservoirs and hinders the power of their hydroelectric contraptions. 'Tis a dire situation indeed, me hearties! Aye, we may need to rely on the power of the mighty sun and wind to keep our sails afloat!
April 16, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Harrison Ford be tellin' tales o' how a jolly lunch with Jimmy Buffett led 'im to get 'is ear pierced! Aye, 'twas a fine tribute to the late musician, with rum aplenty and tales o' adventures shared amongst scallywags! Aye, aye!
April 16, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, the scallywags of Minnesota Democrats be washin' their hands of support for Judd Hoff, a landlubber seekin' a position in the state House despite his past of mischief and mayhem. Aye, they be wise to distance themselves from such a scurvy candidate!
April 16, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy university be claimin' security concerns at the graduation, but the Muslim matey be sayin' they be bowin' to a campaign of hate tryin' to silence 'is voice. Looks like the landlubbers be walkin' the plank of political correctness! Arrr!
April 16, 2024, 5:21 pm
Whilst in Scranton, me hearty hometown, the president did spout grand words o' economic fairness, aimin' his cannons at his Republican foe, who be stuck in a courtroom a good distance away. Aye, a fine battle brewing on land and sea!
April 16, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, the ex-president be havin' secret parleys with foreign bigwigs and their messengers. 'Tis said he be settin' to rendezvous with Poland's leader come Wednesday. Aye, he be a sly old sea dog, that one!
April 16, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe it! The scallywags be attackin' the clinic in Costa Mesa, California! They be goin' after the birth control and other health services like a swarm of hungry sharks! 'Tis a brazen attack indeed, aye!
April 16, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr, Melania Trump be sayin' the hush-money squabble with Stormy Daniels be her scallywag's burden, not hers. Yet in secret, she be dubbin' the trial a scandal that could scupper his quest for the throne. Aye, the plot thickens on the high seas of politics!
April 16, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! The cap'n Biden be tellin' that scallywag Netanyahu to lay off the scuffle with Iran, or else America be settin' sail away from their partnership. Looks like old Benny boy best be takin' the hint and countin' his pieces o' eight. Har, har, har!
April 16, 2024, 11:49 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Methinks that this NPR editor be talkin' a load of bilge about our CEO. Seems she be too keen on the lefty politics for his likin'. Arrr, what a fine kettle o' fish we find ourselves in!
April 16, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr mateys, Paris be getting ready for the grand Olympics! They be fortifying their defenses and charting their courses for the influx of landlubbers. Brace yourselves, for the city be about to be overrun with scallywags! Arrr!
April 16, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr! The Pentagon's top dog, Austin Lloyd, did parley with the Chinese sea dog for the first time since 2022 to mend the sails between our militaries and calm the stormy seas ahead. Let's hope they be swappin' more than just words, aye!
April 16, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, the landlubber senator from Arkansas be sayin' ye should "take matters into yer own hands" 'gainst them scallywags protestin' Israel's tricks in Gaza. But I say, let's show 'em our pirate spirit and make 'em walk the plank! Aye, mateys!
April 16, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr! 'Tis a pity that these landlubbers take so long to make rules about the deadly dust. The poor miners be payin' the price for their dilly-dallyin'! Aye, the seas be less treacherous than the air they breathe!
April 16, 2024, 5:41 am
Avast ye mateys! Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the most powerful name in news delivered straight to yer inbox at dawn. Don't be a scurvy landlubber - sign up now and stay informed like a true pirate!
April 16, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy Maui Fire Department be preparin' to release a report on their response to the deadliest wildfire in the land. 101 souls lost, aye, but let's hope they be learnin' from their mistakes and preventin' such calamities in the future!
April 16, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr mateys, the coral reefs be turnin' white as a ghost for the fourth time! 'Tis all 'cause the waters be warmin' too much. Ye best be watchin' out for them pesky reef scientists, they know their seaweed from their barnacles! Aye aye, yo ho ho!
April 16, 2024, 5:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up! This lass Tayla Clement, 26, be cursed with a rare affliction what prevents her from smilin'! But she be a grateful wench, she be! She shared her tales with Fox News Digital, she did! Ahoy, what a tale to tell!
April 16, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr mateys! The scallywags be askin' the Supreme Court if a law from 2002 be workin' on punishin' them landlubbers for meddlin' in the congressional shenanigans on Jan. 6, 2021. Aye, the legal seas be rough waters indeed!
April 16, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, in Scranton, the captain be plannin' to chat 'bout the tax code and how it be favorin' the rich scallywags like Donald Trump. 'Tis a plunderin' of the treasure for the billionaires, says he. Aye, aye!
April 16, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, in the year following the end of a plague-time decree protectin' Medicaid, over 20 million souls were cast adrift from the program. 'Tis a scurvy dog move to be sure, leavin' so many without a lifeline. Aye, we be needin' a new compass to steer us right!
April 16, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr me hearties! Rep. Virginia Foxx be a fierce partisan indeed! Her life in the wilds of North Carolina be fuelin' her swashbucklin' against them fancy schools like Harvard. She be askin' if they be truly "elite." Aye, she be a scallywag worth watchin'!
April 15, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, the bigwigs at Sununu Youth Services Center be protectin' their own scurvy crew, not them poor lads and lasses! Virgil Bossom be spillin' the beans on their treachery. Aye, 'tis a shameless act of cowardice, me hearties!
April 15, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! A brave lass in the U.K. be called a hero for dashing into her own fiery abode to rouse her mum and wee siblings from their slumber on the divan. Shiver me timbers! Give that young lass a medal for her pluck!
April 15, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, Sens. Marshall and Blackburn be aimin' to make a push for a vote on stand-alone Israel aid on Monday, but the scallywag Democrats be ready to hoist the Jolly Roger and object to their plan. Shiver me timbers, it be a battle on the Senate floor!
April 15, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr mateys, Rep. Randy Weber be rallyin' up 141 scallywags from both sides o' the aisle to give them scurvy dogs in Iran a taste o' the plank for messin' with Israel. Aye, it be a resolution fit for a pirate's revenge!
April 15, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, that scallywag Trump be tryin' to show his mettle in the Big Apple trial, but 'tis a rough sea he be sailin'. Methinks he be needin' more than just bluster and bravado to weather this storm!
April 15, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy attorney general from Idaho be beggin' the justices to make haste and give the nod to a law that would deny wee lads and lasses their rightful care! Thar be no room for such shenanigans on me ship! A pox on their landlubber ways!
April 15, 2024, 5:07 pm
Arrr, a bunch of scallywags be gettin' a change of scenery from the San Francisco brig! 600 lads be sailin' off to different federal dens. May they find calmer seas and less trouble in their new accommodations. Fair winds to 'em!
April 15, 2024, 4:43 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The landlubbers running that funeral parlor in Colorado have been caught red-handed! They be swindling the government out of nearly a million doubloons in relief funds. 'Tis a scandal of epic proportions fit for the high seas! Arrr!
April 15, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr! The scallywags boarded the Dali vessel on Monday, whilst the FBI be a-huntin' for clues on the Key Bridge calamity in Baltimore! Shiver me timbers, what a tale of treachery and intrigue on the high seas!
April 15, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, the New York Judge Juan Merchan be sayin' that those scallywag prosecutors cannot be usin' the infamous 'Access Hollywood' tape in the trial of former President Trump for hush money! Looks like they'll be walkin' the plank without that evidence, me hearties!
April 15, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The House Republicans be gatherin' this fine Monday eve to parley about Iran's scurvy attack on Israel. They be plannin' a course of action for helpin' Israel and Ukraine. Let's hope they be speakin' in more than just mere jibber-jabber!
April 15, 2024, 11:37 am
Avast ye scallywags! A lass of 21 winters met her untimely demise, and eight other landlubbers be wounded after a skirmish broke out at a grand feast in Dallas. The scallywag who be behind this treachery shall face the wrath of Davy Jones himself!
April 15, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr, the scallywags of the U.S., Europe, Russia, and China be joinin' forces in 2015 to keep Iran's nuclear shenanigans in check. But now, with the deal fallin' apart and tensions risin', it be lookin' like we be sailin' into treacherous waters, me hearties!
April 15, 2024, 9:31 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The fish off the Florida Keys be actin' like drunken sailors, swimmin' in spirals and topsy turvy. The sawfish be droppin' like flies, and the learned men be scramblin' to unravel this mystery before it be too late!
April 15, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! A poll on slumber be showin' that a quarter o' landlubbers be gettin' their eight hours o' rest each night, while a fifth be squeezin' by with a measly five hours or less! Avast, me hearties, the land be full o' tired souls! Aye, be sure to catch yer z's, or ye'll end up walkin' the plank!
April 15, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr! The scallywags in charge be sayin' they've found 18 poor souls taken by the landlubbing landslides on Sulawesi island, with two still missin'! Avast ye, let's hope they find 'em afore they walk the plank into Davy Jones' locker! Aye!
April 15, 2024, 5:34 am
Avast ye scallywags! The cap'n of Singapore, Lee Hsien Loong, be steppin' down from his post after 20 years of plunderin' the land. His first mate, Lawrence Wong, be takin' the helm come May 15. Aye, may the winds of change blow in our favor!
April 15, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr mateys, be ye preparin' fer a wild ride! The skies be hurlin' hail the size o' cannonballs, winds that'll blow ye off the deck, rain like a flood, an' tornadoes as rare as buried treasure. Keep a weather eye on the horizon, or ye may find yerself in Davy Jones' locker!
April 15, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! The crown be bestowin' gold upon Samsung to build a chip-making lair in Texas! Aye, 'tis a grand venture! Let's hope they don't be makin' any cursed chips that be scramblin' our brains!
April 15, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! Three top court papers be discussin' if captains o' the ship can be brought to justice for commandin' unlawful slayin's. Aye, 'tis a debate fit for the finest scallywags and landlubbers alike!
April 14, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arr matey, 'tis a tale of a lass named Drew Barrymore who be tellin' the world that even though she loved bein' a wee starlet, she be advisin' her spawn to bide their time before settin' sail for the treacherous waters of Hollywood. Aye, wise words indeed!
April 14, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, the goodly folk of California be weepin' and wailin' o'er the news of the closin' of their beloved 99 Cents Only Stores. 'Tis a sad day indeed when the land lubbers be losin' their bargain treasures. Mayhaps they be forced to pay full price like the fancy gents!
April 14, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr matey, a scallywag was caught for giving the lad a good ol' thrashing for enjoyin' the show "PAW Patrol." Ye can't be messin' with the wee ones' entertainment, lest ye want to be walkin' the plank! The law be keepin' a sharp eye on ye miscreants.
April 14, 2024, 4:21 pm
Arrr mateys, a cursed glitch in a mystical contraption caused the alien hunters to reckon there be a monstrous anomaly beneath the seas, summoning waves taller than a mast. Ye best be watchin' out for them UFOs and their wild tales of the deep!
April 14, 2024, 12:38 pm
Arrr, the New Hampshire governor, who be a scallywag critical of the former president and a supporter of Nikki Haley in the primary, declares he be needin' a Republican in the grand White House! Aye, me hearties, the political seas be choppy indeed!
April 14, 2024, 12:22 pm
Arr, Speaker Mike Johnson be talkin' in riddles 'bout the vote on the security package, after them scallywags from Iran be messin' with Israel. But will they be throwin' some gold to Ukraine too? 'Tis a mystery, me hearties! Aye, 'tis a mystery indeed!
April 14, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, House Speaker Mike Johnson, from the land of La, be boastin' that former President Donald Trump be havin' his back as he be shoutin' that the Republican Party must stick together to claim victory come November! Yarrr!
April 14, 2024, 11:36 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! John Ratcliffe be blowin' the horn o' warning 'bout Iran's dastardly attack on Israel! Beware the wrath o' Biden's crew in this war o' epic proportions! Shiver me timbers, 'tis a tale fit for the history books, mateys!
April 14, 2024, 11:27 am
Arr matey! With the scallywags from Iran tryin' to attack Israel with their flying contraptions, all eyes be on how Cap'n Netanyahu will give 'em a taste of their own medicine. It be a battle of epic proportions on the high seas! Arrrrr!
April 14, 2024, 9:03 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag Trump be spoutin' lies like a leaky bilge pump! He be claimin' them charges be a Democrat scheme to keep him from the grand ol' White House. Arrr, aye, and I be a mermaid swimmin' in grog! Shiver me timbers!
April 14, 2024, 9:02 am
Ye landlubbers be droolin' o'er a voyage to the Masters Tournament like it be the treasure of Davy Jones himself! Behold these pictures from this year's joust, aye!
April 14, 2024, 7:36 am
Arr, back in '97, a jury of landlubbers awarded the kin of Ronald Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson a treasure worth $33 million. But ye scallywags best believe, that booty has now swelled to more than triple its original sum. Shiver me timbers!
April 14, 2024, 5:11 am
Arrr mateys! The Jewish scallywags in the land o' America be showin' their full support for the good ol' U.S. and be shoutin' for Israel to be takin' up arms and defendin' themselves against them pesky missile and drone attacks from Iran. Aye, let the battle begin!
April 14, 2024, 4:32 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at The New York Times and Siena College be sayin' that the former captain o' the ship were good at handlin' the treasure, but his crew still be rememberin' the squabblin' and bickerin' aboard! Aye, we be holdin' onto our memories like a sailor clings to his rum!
April 14, 2024, 4:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! Fr. Patrick Mary Briscoe, a wise Dominican friar in the bustling town o' Washington, doth ponder on Luke 24:38, preachin' about the importance o' trustin' in God durin' the stormy seas o' life. Aye, have faith, me mateys, and ye shall weather any trial!
April 14, 2024, 4:11 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! One wee lad be sent to Davy Jones' locker and seven more souls be wounded in a skirmish at a jolly family feast in Chicago. The scallywags of the law be investigatin' the matter. Aye, 'tis a tragic tale indeed.
April 14, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys, within Acacia Women’s Center, the lasses be feelin' a right ol' mix of fear, anger, and anxiety. The State Supreme Court be reinstatin' a law that be banishin' nearly all abortions. Shiver me timbers, the lasses be in a tizzy indeed!
April 14, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that Cap'n Trump be weighin' his options for a second mate based on gold and power, as well as which scallywags he fancies. Methinks he be pickin' his first mate based on who be sharin' their loot with him!
April 14, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! The justices be settin' to hear arguments on Tuesday in a case that could change the tide of hundreds of prosecutions for the assault on the Capitol and give clarity to its true meaning. Aye, it be a storm brewin' in the courts!
April 14, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys, ye hear the news? The "Golden Bachelor" Gerry Turner and Theresa Nist be partin' ways! Family law expert Nicole Sodoma be spillin' the beans on the trials of findin' love in yer golden years. Aye, love be a treacherous sea to navigate indeed!
April 13, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr! Iran be takin' a swing at Israel after promisin' revenge for the sneak attack on their consulate in Syria. Aye, there be no rest for the wicked in these treacherous waters! May the winds of war blow in our favor.
April 13, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The land lubbers in fancy clothes be squawkin' about them Iran drones headin' towards Israel. They be shoutin' for the White House to show some spine and stand with Israel. Arrr, let's hope they don't be walkin' the plank over this one!
April 13, 2024, 4:33 pm
Arr matey! The scallywag president be denyin' the Capitol raid at first, but now he be usin' it to woo the voters for the next lootin'! Aye, he be playin' a dangerous game on the high seas of politics!
April 13, 2024, 3:33 pm
Arr, ye scallywags! The tribes be banishing the landlubber governor from their reservations fer blabberin' 'bout Mexican bandits and mischief. She be walkin' the plank fer speakin' out o' turn! Aye, the seas be roilin' with gossip these days!
April 13, 2024, 1:22 pm
Arr mateys, word be spreading that President Biden did parley with the leaders of Japan and the Philippines to chat about those scallywag Chinese causing trouble in the waters of the Indo-Pacific! Shiver me timbers, we best be keepin' an eye on those rascals!
April 13, 2024, 11:48 am
Arr, me hearty Tim Sheehy, a swashbuckling Navy SEAL and Senate hopeful, be givin' the scallywags at the Washington Post a taste o' his cutlass for listenin' to them "known Democrats" questionin' his battle scars. Avast ye, mateys, there be no room for doubters in this pirate's crew! Arrr!
April 13, 2024, 11:47 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis rumored that a grand tavern and inn worth $16.1 million, belonging to the famous chef Gordon Ramsay, 'tis now under siege by scallywags who be squatting within its walls. They be defyin' eviction orders and be brandishing legal threats. Shiver me timbers!
April 13, 2024, 11:45 am
Arr matey, Steve Garvey, a scallywag runnin' for Senate, be chattin' on "Fox & Friends: Weekend" 'bout California's homeless scallywag crisis. Despite bilge rats spendin' billions, the problem be gettin' worse. Avast ye, somethin' be amiss in that landlubber's paradise!
April 13, 2024, 11:43 am
Avast ye mateys! A brave lass from the land down under be hailed a hero for standing up to a scallywag who be stabbin' folks at Westfield Bondi Junction. She put an end to his shenanigans like a true swashbuckler! Arrr!
April 13, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr mateys, the Justice Department be keepin' a weather eye on all them scallywags makin' threats against our voting overseers. 'Tis a good thing most of 'em be protected by the First Amendment, else there'd be a mutiny on our hands! Aye, justice be prevailin'! Arrr!
April 13, 2024, 10:07 am
Arrr, this wee congressman be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst Loro Piana, the scallywags who plunder the wool from me homeland o' Peru! Avast ye, answer for yer misdeeds, ye rapscallions! Show some respect for the hardworking mateys who toil for ye!
April 13, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr mateys, six souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker, includin' the scurvy dog responsible, in a rumble at the Westfield Bondi Junction in Sydney. Eight poor souls be left wounded. 'Twas a mighty clash indeed!
April 13, 2024, 5:40 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The scallywag Cleotha Abston, aged 40, has been found guilty by a jury in Memphis of rapin' and kidnappin' a fair maiden in September 2021! Aye, a year before he allegedly kidnapped and sent poor Eliza Fletcher to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
April 13, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr! The scallywags in Maryland be on the hunt for two rapscallions sailin' in a gray Kia, accused of sendin' poor Idongesit Udosen to Davy Jones' locker. Avast! May justice be swift and their punishment be as harsh as a storm on the high seas!
April 13, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! If ye missed these in Lifestyle this week, be sure to feast yer eyes upon these top headlines - tales of scrumptious American grub, faith, kin, Yankee cleverness and much more. Set sail and dive in!
April 13, 2024, 4:26 am
Arr mateys! The scurvy barges, laden with coal, be driftin' downstream and causin' havoc in the marina! Aye, the warning be soundin' for a flood in Allegheny County, but these lads be too busy causin' chaos on the high seas! Aarrr!
April 13, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the captain's favor be on the rise, but the crew still scowl at the state of the treasure chest. Methinks they prefer the old sea dog, Donald J. Trump, more than the current skipper. Aye, the winds of fortune be fickle indeed!
April 13, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, after bein' found not guilty o' the crime o' Nicole Brown Simpson’s death, he faced a mighty fierce storm o' criticism that shifted the tides on how folks viewed the matter o' domestic violence. Aye, the winds o' change be blowin'!
April 13, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Augusta National Golf Club be banishing cellphones like a cursed treasure, but the clever patrons be using the ancient art of shoutin' to make their calls. It be a sight to behold, I tell ye!
April 12, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Manuel Rocha be admittin' to two crimes, includin' plottin' to swindle the United States as a foreign agent, all under an accord with the Yanks. Ye better be watchin' yer back, lest ye end up walkin' the plank with Rocha! Arrr!
April 12, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Christine Livingston, who be in charge o' keepin' watch o'er a prison in South Carolina, be accused o' takin' in more than $219,000 in bribes and sneakily handin' out 173 contraband cellphones to them scallywag inmates. Aye, what a scandalous tale!
April 12, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast ye scallywags! President Biden be warnin' that them scurvy dogs in Iran be plannin' to attack Israel! Ye best be keepin' a weather eye out for trouble on the high seas, for a storm be brewin' in the Middle East! Arrr!
April 12, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, House Speaker Mike Johnson be in a pickle in the land o' Washington. Trump be holdin' the power to aid or sabotage him, like a scurvy dog with a bone. 'Tis a perilous game they be playin', mateys!
April 12, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Vessel, a grand structure at Hudson Yards, be settin' sail again with added safety measures. Seems some scallywags be thinkin' it be a jumpin' off point, but fear not, the Vessel be ready to weather any storm!
April 12, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr, this scallywag be tellin' tales of cults torturin' me patients! He be losin' his license faster than a ship sinkin' in a storm. 'Tis a sad day when a swindler be walkin' the plank!
April 12, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr! The scallywag in the big land ship be tryin' to plunder a license but met his doom instead, crashing into the King's office! Denied he was, and crashed he did, a tale to make even Davy Jones chuckle!
April 12, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, veteran broadcaster Bob Costas be reminiscin' 'bout the infamous 1994 Bronco chase and his memories of that scoundrel O.J. Simpson, just a few days after the Hall of Famer's demise. Aye, a tale fit for the high seas, indeed!
April 12, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Russkies be tinkering with a newfangled rocket and launchin' pad for explorin' the moon. Aye, after a couple o' failed attempts, the Angara-A5 be finally blastin' off into the skies. Avast! A grand victory for the scurvy dogs of Russia!
April 12, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, mateys! The good Rev. Franklin Graham be makin' his way to Poland, where he be speakin' to a massive crowd in Krakow on April 13th. But before that, he be stoppin' at Auschwitz. Aye, even pirates need a bit of God's love now and then! Arrr!
April 12, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, this Trump fellow be as wary of the intelligence scallywags as a cat be of water! If he be back at the helm, we best be battening down the hatches, me hearties, for trouble be on the horizon!
April 12, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, the lass's loot fer the House Democrats be a grand act o' support in her voyage through the treacherous waters o' the Democratic Party. 'Tis a tale o' growth and plunderin' in the name o' progress, me hearties!
April 12, 2024, 11:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Biden crew be cursin' them landlubbers chantin' anti-American jibber-jabber in Dearborn! They be sayin' they ain't wantin' the votes of them scurvy anti-Israel troublemakers! A pox on their houses, says I! Aye, let's set sail for smoother waters!
April 12, 2024, 10:51 am
Arrr mateys! The White House be takin' a piecemeal approach to nabbin' those pesky borrowers, one subset at a time. 'Tis like tryin' to catch a slippery fish with a rusty hook! Aye, the plunderin' continues!
April 12, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr mateys, a Harris County scallywag be stickin' up for a guaranteed booty program that be under fire from that scurvy dog Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton! Stand yer ground, ye landlubber lawyer, and may the legal winds blow in yer favor!
April 12, 2024, 5:01 am
Arr matey! Avast ye landlubbers! Fox News Digital be bringin' ye the latest news on O.J. Simpson, a mysterious country star, and more in this week's News Quiz. Test ye wits and see if ye can score a perfect tally! Arrr!
April 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at The New York Times be causin' a ruckus on the digital seas fer claimin' that O.J. Simpson's trial be ruinin' his world, only to report his demise shortly after. 'Tis a fine example of a ship in a stormy sea, I tell ye!
April 12, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen to this tale of woe! In the city of Chicago, a scallywag by the name of Dexter Reed, Jr., dared to exchange gunfire with the lawmen. A mighty battle ensued, with 96 shots fired in total! 'Twas a sight to behold, I tell ye!
April 12, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, some, like Marcia Clark and Mark Fuhrman, be known far and wide fer their deeds on land. While others be content to live a life out of the spotlight, avoidin' the fame that be followin' them scallywags. Aye, the quiet life be a peaceful one indeed.
April 12, 2024, 4:05 am
Avast ye, mateys! A dozen bands o' scallywags and labor unions be sendin' a letter to the captain, demandin' he enforce a law that be keepin' military booty from reachin' any nation that be blockin' the delivery o' aid to the needy. Argh, the audacity!
April 12, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys, the second-in-command be ready to lead the charge against Trump and his scallywag crew! They be on the back foot now, scurrying like rats in a storm. Let's give 'em a broadside they won't soon forget! Aye, aye!
April 11, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Another hold up be expected for the land lubbers' budget in New York as they haggle o'er buildin' a grand ol' heap o' houses. Ye may as well be waitin' for a treasure chest to appear from Davy Jones' locker!
April 11, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, the scallywags in Mali have declared all politickin' be off limits until further notice! They be claimin' it's to keep the peace, but we all know they just want to keep their treasure safe from the rumblings of discontent! Aye, me hearties!
April 11, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr! The news of O.J. Simpson's demise has set tongues waggin' once more 'bout the infamous 'Trial of the Century' after the 1994 slayin' of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Shiver me timbers, what a scandalous affair! Aye, the seas be choppy with gossip, me hearties!
April 11, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, word be spreadin' that a scurvy dog of a doctor be messin' with the transplant list, sendin' his patients to Davy Jones' locker. The lubbers be droppin' like flies while waitin' for new organs. The hospital be on the hunt for this treacherous swindler!
April 11, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, the Kennedy campaign be cryin' foul on Rita Palma, claimin' she be pretendin' to be the New York state director! Methinks there be some shenanigans afoot, mateys! Let's see if she be walkin' the plank for her deception!
April 11, 2024, 5:35 pm
Ye scurvy dog Kato Kaelin, who dwelt at Simpson's guesthouse when the foul deed was done to poor Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman in '94, hath now shown sympathy to their kin after O.J.'s demise. Aye, what a twist of fate!
April 11, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr mateys, the leader of the Republican scallywags and the G.O.P. speaker be feuding like two landlubbers over plenty o' matters, yet be joinin' forces to safeguard the integrity o' the election. 'Tis a rare sight indeed, like seein' a mermaid and a kraken dancin' a jig together! Arrr!
April 11, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr, matey! Jon Bon Jovi spilled the beans on his relationship with that scallywag Richie Sambora, and he says there be no bad blood between 'em! The seas may have been rough, but these two pirates be sailin' smooth waters now. Aye, aye, captain!
April 11, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties, the scallywags on "The View" be talkin' 'bout OJ Simpson's demise and sayin' it be a travesty he didn't swing from the gallows fer murder. 'Tis a jest, I tell ye, a jest fit fer the high seas! Aye, pass the grog!
April 11, 2024, 11:38 am
Arr matey, ye scallywags at the university be changin' their tune, makin' it easier for us landlubbers to get in without showin' off our test scores. Avast ye, we be sailin' smooth seas on this academic journey! Arrr!
April 11, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr mateys! The America First Policy Institute be unveilin' a plan to aid ye fair maidens in times o' trouble, such as unexpected buns in the oven. They be offerin' support for adoption, fertility woes, mental health concerns, and more. Ye be empowered, so says the Institute! Aye, aye!
April 11, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Fani T. Willis be walkin' the plank in Fulton County, Ga.! But fear not, another prosecutor be settin' sail to pursue the case against Lt. Gov. Burt Jones. Aye, justice will be served on the high seas of law!
April 11, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the Nebraska Legislature be tryin' to plunder the public coffers to line the pockets o' private schools before the good people o' the land have a chance to send 'em walkin' the plank. 'Tis a scheme as crooked as a peg leg!
April 11, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast ye scallywags! NASA be delving into the mysteries of the cosmos, uncovering treasures beyond our wildest dreams. In the year o' our Lord 2023, they be makin' mighty strides in their quest for knowledge of the heavens above. Aye, the stars be beckonin'!
April 11, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr, me hearties! Texas be a fine port o' call fer families seekin' adventure! Ye can find treasures like Space Center Houston, the San Antonio River Walk, and the Dallas Arboretum to delight young and old alike. Set sail fer a grand time in the Lone Star State! Arrr!
April 11, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, ye landlubbers be warned! If ye be settin' sail for the Masters, ye best be havin' a map of the Augusta National Golf Club in hand. 'Tis a treacherous journey, and ye best be plannin' yer route if ye want to see all the treasures on offer!
April 11, 2024, 4:06 am
Avast ye mateys! In Maryland and Virginia, scallywags be turning their political clout into campaigns. And in Pennsylvania, a battle be brewin' over a congressman's involvement in Trump's schemin' to steal the election. Shiver me timbers, it be a political storm on the horizon! Arrr!
April 11, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr! The cap'n Biden be summonin' the leaders of Japan and the Philippines to his grand ship, the White House. They be talkin' 'bout keepin' the waters safe in the South China Sea, aye! Ye best be bringin' yer spyglasses for this pow-wow, me hearties!
April 11, 2024, 4:05 am
Arr mateys, the scallywags in charge be tryin' to rein in the smugglin' of weapons causin' mischief and mayhem. But mark me words, this rule be causin' quite the stir among the crew and ye can bet yer doubloons there'll be a fight to change it! Arrr!
April 11, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The search for the kin of 36 poor souls held in chains be now a grand adventure! Black folk be uncoverin' their roots through this quest, followin' clues wherever they may take 'em. Aye, 'tis a treasure hunt o' genealogy!
April 10, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A lass from Massachusetts used the witchcraft of Facebook to find her scallywag of a husband, Charles Withers, who vanished like a ghost! The seas be filled with more surprises than a chest of treasure!
April 10, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, the scallywag in question be admitin' to his violent tendencies and speakin' out against the crown on the interwebs! Aye, he be a real firebrand, that one. Ye best keep a weather eye on him, lest he stir up trouble amongst the landlubbers!
April 10, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr mateys, the Arizona Supreme Court be settin' sail on a law that be bannin' nearly all abortions! The only way to escape the plank be if the mother's life be in danger. Aye, 'tis a fine pickle we be in! Hoist the Jolly Roger!
April 10, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, word be goin' 'round that a scallywag with arms was sighted on a train in Scotland! But 'twas merely a lad decked out as a stormtrooper, bound for a gatherin' of fans. No need for alarm, just a bit of fun on the high seas of the railway!
April 10, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr matey! 'Tis been said that the Oklahoma Attorney General Gentner Drummond be settin' sail on a legal voyage, accusin' two scallywag natural gas companies of price-gougin' during Winter Storm Uri of 2021. Ye be walkin' the plank if ye think ye can get away with such thievery!
April 10, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arr, me hearties! The former cap'n Donald J. Trump be spoutin' nonsense in Atlanta, claimin' that any scallywag who be votin' for Biden be needin' their noggin checked! Methinks he be needin' a visit from a wise old sea witch to sort out his own addled brains! Arrr!
April 10, 2024, 4:44 pm
"Arrr mateys! Just days aft' sayin' states should handle abortion laws, Cap'n Donald J. Trump be blastin' an Arizona court fer upholdin' a law from 1864! Seems like even time travel can't keep up with this political drama on the high seas!"
April 10, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr! The scallywag who used to be in charge at Richneck Elementary has been accused of mistreating the young'uns. Aye, seems like this landlubber be more a scoundrel than a proper mate for the wee ones. Yarrr!
April 10, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr mateys, the Biden scallywags be in hot water with a lawsuit looming over their crackdown on emissions from those fancy chemical-making galleons. Will they walk the plank or find a way to navigate these treacherous waters? Only time will tell, me hearties!
April 10, 2024, 11:40 am
Arr mateys, Germany be a land teemin' with treasure for ye wanderin' souls. Set yer sights on this travel guide fer tips on navigatin' its waters and discoverin' its hidden gems. Avast ye, 'tis a plunder worth seekin'!
April 10, 2024, 11:25 am
Arr mateys! The Florida Governor DeSantis didst hold a grand press conference in St. Petersburg, where he did sign five pieces of legislation into law to protect the wee young'uns from scallywag predators. Aye, 'tis a fine day for the young buccaneers!
April 10, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that House Speaker Mike Johnson be warnin' against supportin' a Section 702 amendment that be makin' it harder for them scurvy dogs to spy on us land lubbers! Yarrr, beware the watchful eyes of the government, me mateys!
April 10, 2024, 11:11 am
In the election of 2022, Mistress Lake be spoutin' off about no killin' babes in the womb. But now that she be seekin' a seat in the Senate, she be turnin' tail faster than a scurvy dog fleein' from the plank! Arrr!
April 10, 2024, 5:48 am
Arr, me hearties! Ye must know that sourdough starter be the secret weapon to makin' yer bread rise like the waves on the high seas. 'Tis a concoction of water and flour that ye must nurture like treasure. But fear not, for with patience and skill, ye can tame the beast!
April 10, 2024, 5:41 am
Arrr! The scallywags be firin' off nearly 100 shots in a mere 41 seconds during a skirmish in Chicago! Aye, mateys, those be some trigger-happy landlubbers causin' a ruckus on the high seas of the city streets! Aye, aye, aye!
April 10, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, the scallywags be up in arms 'gainst NPR, blastin' Uri Berliner for shinrin' a light on their "obsession" with diversity. 'Tis a tale that be spreadin' like wildfire across the seas!
April 10, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the President Biden be playin' host to Japan's prime minister, Fumio Kishida, for a grand state visit as part of his diplomatic escapades. Ye can bet they be talkin' trade, alliances, and perhaps even a bit o' plunderin' together! Arrr!
April 10, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags be sayin' the more scurvy dogs in the race, the better for Donald J. Trump! In a fierce presidential battle, a small bit o' landlubbers could tip the scale in his favor. Arrr, mayhaps the wind be blowin' in his sails!
April 10, 2024, 3:59 am
Arrr, on Wednesday, a fearsome tempest be headin' east, threatenin' the good folk of Louisiana and Mississippi with thunderous fury. Be sure to batten down the hatches and hold onto yer tricorn hats, me hearties! Yarrrr!
April 10, 2024, 12:35 am
Arrr mateys, mark me words! The scurvy dogs in charge be thinkin' of raisin' the postage by nearly 8 percent come July. 'Tis but another scheme to plunder our pockets, as they've been doin' since 2021. Aye, we be payin' through the nose for our letters and messages!
April 9, 2024, 5:56 pm
Avast ye mateys! 'Twas a jolly sight at the New England Aquarium in Boston as they be examinin' the grand ol' sea beast known as Myrtle, a 500-pound green sea turtle who's been in their care fer over 50 years. Arrr, she be in fine health, ye scurvy dogs!
April 9, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys, this hike in fees from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services be like takin' the wind outta our sails! 'Tis a sure way to be encouragin' more scallywags to make the treacherous journey across the borders without proper papers, aye! Aye, we be in a right pickle now!
April 9, 2024, 5:50 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A fancy judge be thwartin' our plans to scuttle the rotting "Greenwood Pond: Double Site" art piece in Des Moines! Shiver me timbers! We be stuck with this eyesore for now, arrr!
April 9, 2024, 5:45 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Elliott Broidy be takin' to the high seas of the courtroom, accusin' a former C.I.A. officer and three landlubber lobbyists of aidin' Qatar in stealin' his messages to besmirch his good name. Arrr, the treachery be runnin' deep in these waters!
April 9, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, this scallywag used his holy ship, First African Methodist Episcopal, to rally his crew against the troubles that plagued the Black folk in the city. Aye, he be a fearless captain in the fight for justice and equality!
April 9, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, mateys! The Tennessee scallywags be mandatin' gun safety lessons in the schools. Looks like the young landlubbers will be learnin' how to handle their muskets alongside their ABCs. Avast ye, aye be keepin' an eye on those wee buccaneers!
April 9, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags at the Pentagon be ordered to tinker with yer weapons, update the safety rules, teach yer healers, and keep a close eye on the lads who be gettin' their noggins knocked about. Aye, so be it!
April 9, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the president's crew be usin' the Supreme Court's decision to plunder the anger o'er Roe v. Wade. 'Tis a clever tactic, I must say! Let's hoist the Jolly Roger and set sail for victory!
April 9, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs who birthed young Ethan Crumbley be facin' sentencin's for their part in his blunderbuss misadventure at Oxford High in Michigan. May they walk the plank for raisin' such a troubled lad! Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
April 9, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, the scallywag engineer be yappin' about the ship's hull bein' put together all wonky-like, makin' it weaker than a landlubber's courage. But the scallywags at Boeing be swearin' up and down there be no danger to be had. Yarrr!
April 9, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Twas a grand spectacle as the sun and moon did align during the solar eclipse, whilst Giselle Vento and Kelby Noack did make their vows in Waco, Texas. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold as they did pledge their love in the shadows. Arrr!
April 9, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, Luke Bryan confessed that Katy Perry's departure from "American Idol" was no great surprise to him. His shipmate revealed that this be her final voyage come February. Avast ye, the ship be losin' a mighty fine lass!
April 9, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys, some o' the scallywags runnin' fer office be sayin' they be lettin' the states decide on the matter o' bans rather than a national decree. Aye, let the states be takin' the helm on this one!
April 9, 2024, 5:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! A land lubber from New Mexico be caught in his birthday suit, tearin' off a light and tusslin' with the law! 'Tis a sight to see, aye, a true pirate's tale gone wrong! Mayhaps he be searchin' for buried treasure in all the wrong places! Arrr!
April 9, 2024, 5:45 am
Arr matey! The No. 3 official o' the Chinese Communist Party be settin' sail on a jolly ol' adventure to visit North Korea on April 11-13, 2024. Aye, 'tis called a "goodwill visit," but who knows what mischief be brewin' beneath the surface! Aye aye, captain!
April 9, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, Eric Smith, a swashbucklin' scallywag from Puyallup, didst catch a scurvy thief pilferin' from his carriage under the shroud of night. He regaled 'The Ingraham Angle' with this tale of thievery thwarted on yon Monday past. Ahoy!
April 9, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy Republicans have been holdin' the treasure on the big-talk topics like gold and new recruits. But turnin' to the topic of baby-making be like walkin' the plank - a foolish move indeed! Aye, stick to yer guns, ye landlubbers!
April 9, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! Jennifer and James Crumbley, whose scallywag son be guilty of takin' four lives, be facin' a dungeon stay of up to 15 years. The scurvy prosecutors be beggin' for mercy in their letters last week. Me thinks they be walkin' the plank soon!
April 9, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, Jared Kushner's Affinity Partners be throwin' around more than $1.2 billion doubloons, makin' deals across the seven seas. His pappy-in-law, Donald Trump, be eyein' the throne again, bringin' a storm of questions upon their booty. Aye, the plot thickens like grog!
April 9, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr matey! The scurvy dog who conquers the sacred golfing seas be havin' the honor to plan (and fund) the feast for next year's crew o' champions. Jon Rahm, the victor in 2023, shared a secret recipe passed down from his old sea-farin' granny. Aye, a fine meal it be!
April 8, 2024, 10:46 pm
Avast ye! Many a scallywag be beggin' Governor Mike Parson to spare the life of Brian Dorsey, the scurvy dog who confessed to sendin' Ben and Sarah Bonnie to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, the lads and lasses of the correctional crew be pleadin' for mercy on his soul. Arrr!
April 8, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr! The scallywag McConnell be shoutin' from the poop deck fer the Senate to be dealin' with this TikTok trouble, lest we be fallin' victim to some national security shenanigans! Aye, me hearties, hoist the sails and prepare for battle against these digital rascals!
April 8, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arr mateys, as the trial of that Arizona rancher accused of shooting a migrant on his land continues, the jurors be a'headin' to the ranch for a visit. Arrr, let's see if they find any buried treasure or just a guilty scallywag!
April 8, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, Cliver Alcalá of Venezuela hath been sentenc'd by the likes of U.S. District Judge Alvin K. Hellerstein in Manhattan to over 21 years in the brig for supplying weapons to those scurvy drug-funded rebels. Aye, 'tis a fine mess he's gotten himself into!
April 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr mateys! The Russians be raisin' a ruckus in Orsk, demandin' gold for the floodin' caused by the dam disaster! They be shoutin' for compensation like a scallywag lookin' for his share of the booty! Avast ye, the protest be in full swing!
April 8, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Marilyn Lands be takin' the prize in a grand election, showin' the way for me fellow Democrats to fight for the rights of women to bear young'uns. Let's hoist the sails and set course for victory on this important mission!
April 8, 2024, 4:18 pm
Arrr, the prosecutor, Fani Willis, be standin' tall like a mighty pirate defendin' the judge's decision to let her keep sailin' the treacherous waters of the election interference case against Donald J. Trump. May she plunder all the evidence and emerge victorious in the end!
April 8, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr mateys! After a fair share of confusin' messages, Donald Trump be sayin' that whatever states decide "must be the law of the land," yet he be shoutin' for exceptions for rape, incest and the life of the mother. Aye, talk about walkin' the plank of contradiction!
April 8, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr, me hearties! The good doctor Siegel be joinin' 'Fox & Friends' to chat 'bout a scallywag gettin' the bird flu! He also be givin' tips on watchin' the eclipse safely. Avast ye, mateys, stay safe and keep yer eye patches on! Arrr!
April 8, 2024, 11:37 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Justice Department be holdin' onto them audio recordings like a greedy pirate guardin' his treasure. If they don't hand 'em over, Attorney General Garland might find himself walkin' the plank into the contempt of Congress waters. Arrr!
April 8, 2024, 11:28 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Pediatrician Monika Woroniecka, 58, was tossed from an Airstream trailer on a New York highway whilst sailin' north to spy the eclipse. Arrr, the seas be rough on the road, mateys!
April 8, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr mateys! The Wisconsin Supreme Court be givin' new maps, and them scallywag Democrats be plannin' to take over the State Assembly! Avast, they be aimin' to give President Biden a bit o' help along the way. Yarrrrr!
April 8, 2024, 11:04 am
Arrr, at 75 years young, good old Dr. Bob Ross be tending to the elderly scallywags of Ortonville, Minn. But he be ponderin' whether he, and the presidential landlubbers, be fit for all their duties. Aye, 'tis a fine pickle we find ourselves in! Arrr!
April 8, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr! Avast ye mateys! Receive all the tales ye need-to-hear from the mightiest moniker in news sent straight to yer inbox at the break of dawn. Ye won't miss a beat with this treasure trove of information at yer fingertips. Aye, sign up now, me hearties!
April 8, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrr mateys! A jerry-built vessel met its watery doom off the northern shores of Mozambique, claimin' the lives of at least 94 souls. 26 poor souls be still missin' after the calamity. Ye best be choosin' yer ships wisely on the high seas, lest ye join 'em in Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
April 8, 2024, 4:56 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags known as Hunter Biden's cronies be spilling their beans before the public on Wednesday, after a slew of secret interrogations. 'Tis all part of the House's grand plan to impeach President Biden. Shiver me timbers, what a tale this be!
April 8, 2024, 4:33 am
Yarrr mateys! The scallywags be unloadin' the 4,700 booty-filled containers from the ship, a vital task to set sail and clear the passage in the Port of Baltimore. Avast ye, let's get this ship shapely and plunder the treasures within! Arrr!
April 8, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! Tis be told that 10 million landlubbers may find themselves freed from their debts to the tune of $5,000 or more! The grand scheme, to be unveiled in Wisconsin, be sure to win favor among the youthful scallywags!
April 8, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Company be settin' sail to construct a new factory and be givin' a makeover to another in Phoenix with the gold they've plundered from the federal grants. Aye, they be makin' waves in the tech seas!
April 8, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! Test yer mettle with the newest American Culture Quiz from Fox News Digital. Answer questions on history, pop culture, and more, like the noble bald eagle and the scandalous Oscar snubs. Show yer worth, or walk the plank! Arrr!
April 7, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A young buck o' 21 winters, studyin' the ways o' medicine at the University o' Florida, be caught by the law dogs o' Polk County Sheriff's Office fer stickin' his own dear mother with a blade on a Saturday afternoon. Ye can't make this up, mateys! Arrr!
April 7, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arr, at the gatherings, Donald Trump doth bemoan the arrival of scallywags from lands in Africa, Asia, and the Middle East, as he stirs up dread 'bout the wave o' newcomers at the border. Aye, 'tis quite the spectacle, me hearties!
April 7, 2024, 4:31 pm
On yonder Easter Sunday, Bruce Springsteen didst bestow his noble scrawl upon a wayward lass' excuse for skipping school. The San Francisco lass didst wave her banner high to catch the eye of the legendary "Boss". Arrr, what a tale to be told on the seven seas!
April 7, 2024, 3:04 pm
Avast ye mateys! The House Majority PAC president be talkin' about their grand plan for this election year, callin' it an "offensive strategy." Aye, they be plannin' to attack with all their might! Let's see if they can outwit the scallywags on the other side! Arrr!
April 7, 2024, 2:38 pm
Arrr, them prosecutors and scurvy police couldn't find a reason for the fire, set ablaze on a Friday. Luckily, no souls were harmed in the process. Guess the culprit be a ghost pirate, playin' tricks on us landlubbers!
April 7, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr mateys! The Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis, be talkin' 'bout how the Republican crew be gainin' on the Democrats by 900K strong in the Sunshine State. Looks like the GOP be sailin' smooth seas ahead, arrr!
April 7, 2024, 10:15 am
Arrr, as these scallywag medical practices owned by private equity firms be pillagin' the seas with their overbilling schemes, a payment tool backed by the same investors be helpin' insurers line their pockets with even more gold doubloons. Aye, 'tis a treasure trove of riches for them all!
April 7, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Millions o' landlubbers be makin' arrangements to witness the solar eclipse on Monday. They be expectin' a sight to behold. What be this strange sensation stirrin' in their bellies? Aye, tis the thrill o' the unknown!
April 7, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! In Chicago, the taverns be fillin' up quick for the Democratic shindig in August. Meanwhile, Milwaukee, home to the Republican bash, be scratchin' their heads wonderin' if anyone will sail their way. Aye, the political seas be choppy indeed!
April 7, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, the State Department be cheerin' for the new crew in Ramallah, but whispers be goin' 'round that two of 'em may be flyin' the Jolly Roger! Watch yer backs, me hearties! Aargh!
April 7, 2024, 2:45 am
Arr matey! California be churnin' out a hearty crew o' college scallywags each year. Discover which o' these fine institutions be boastin' the biggest ship o' students. Aye, me hearties, ye be settin' sail for knowledge!
April 7, 2024, 2:35 am
Arrr matey! A scallywag at Mercer University be clapped in irons for layin' hands on a bloke jawin' 'bout the Israel-Hamas scuffle. Ye can't be throwin' fists in a debate, ye landlubber! Be keepin' yer hands to yerself, lest ye end up in Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
April 7, 2024, 2:02 am
Arrr mateys, from the President Biden to the scurvy mayors of wee towns, these Democrats be plagued by rascals makin' a ruckus! 'Tis makin' it hard for 'em to spread their message 'fore the election storms hit. Aye, 'tis a fine mess indeed!
April 6, 2024, 5:47 pm
Avast ye mateys! Charles Barkley be a bold swashbuckler in the realm of sports media. The NBA legend recently parleyed with Stephen A. Smith on the immigration matters. Arrr, a lively discussion it was indeed!
April 6, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, the fair maiden with three young scallywags be spillin' her woes about her tussle with grub after bein' called a hefty lass. Aye, a tale as old as the high seas! Let her hoist the Jolly Roger and set sail on a diet adventure!
April 6, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, Xcel Energy be swearin' that the power be out in six counties 'til noon on Sunday. The winds be blowin' like a hundred cannonballs per hour! Avast, me hearties, batten down the hatches and hold onto yer tricorn hats!
April 6, 2024, 5:01 pm
Arrr, the scallywags be makin' a fuss o'er a visit by the former secretary o' state at 'er old school. They be wavin' their flags and shoutin' their slogans, but who be listenin' to these landlubbers anyway? Let 'em have their fun, I say!
April 6, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr! In St. Louis and beyond, folks bein' harmed by the pursuit o' an atomic bomb be findin' themselves locked out of a federal law meant to aid such victims. 'Tis a scandalous affair, me hearties! The scallywags in charge be needin' a taste o' the plank for such injustice! Aye!
April 6, 2024, 11:37 am
Arr, the scurvy dog Joseph Gatt be seekin' $40 million in gold from that scallywag George Gascón for callin' him a serial pedophile. 'Tis a tale fit for the high seas, mateys! Mayhaps they be settlin' this quarrel with a duel at dawn! Aharrr!
April 6, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, a former Colonel o' the Army be aimin' to seize a House seat from the scurvy dogs of the blue crew in North Carolina. She be claimin' her opponent is a lackey to President Biden, aye, beholden to his every whim! A battle o' wits on the political seas be brewin'!
April 6, 2024, 11:04 am
Arrr me hearties! The lass from 'Girls Next Door' be sayin' that Crystal Hefner's memoir be feelin' a bit too much like her own! Methinks there be some scandalous tales of rum and debauchery in them pages. Aye, 'tis a pirate's life for them lasses!
April 6, 2024, 10:35 am
Avast ye! He be broadening the learnin' quest of Thomas Jefferson's estate. He be acceptin' the rumour that Jefferson sired the young'uns of a slave lass. Arrr, aye, quite the scandalous tale indeed!
April 6, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The Democrats be settin' their sights on ousting them incumbent Republicans in the districts where Cap'n Biden be victorious. 'Tis a simple rule of the sea - as the presidential wind blows, so do the sails of the House races! Aye, me hearties!
April 6, 2024, 7:00 am
Arrr, the scallywags in charge be haulin' in a bounty of over $90 million in March! They be swimmin' in doubloons while that landlubber Trump and his crew be left with nary a coin to their name. Aye, the tides have turned, me hearties!
April 6, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr mateys! A lass from the Netherlands, just 28 springs to her name, be settin' sail to Davy Jones' locker next month! Her mind be troubled, her spirits low, and her shrink be swearin' her troubles be never endin'. Farewell, me hearty!
April 6, 2024, 4:05 am
Arr mateys! The President Biden be sendin' weapons to Israel under an Obama-era pact worth $38 billion that be lastin' until 2026. Israel be usin' these weapons, includin' them bombs dropped in Gaza. Avast ye, the seas be gettin' mighty choppy!
April 6, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, me hearties! The cap'n be tryin' to convince ye scallywags that he's been busy as a land lubber on a treasure hunt. But the doubloons he's found ain't makin' their way to yer pockets yet. Keep a weather eye out for those hidden treasures, me mateys! Arrr!
April 6, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags in charge have drawn new treasure maps that cut the loot nearly down the middle between the red flag wavers and the blue flag bearers. For too long, the old maps gave the redcoats the upper hand. Fair winds be blowin'!
April 6, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr, ye scallywags from Colby College did lend a hand in gatherin' the icy treasure from a pond for a new mikvah at a synagogue in Waterville. Aye, they be swashbucklin' scholars indeed!
April 6, 2024, 3:20 am
Arrr mateys, South Africa be aye stickin' to its guns in the BRICS economic crew, cozyin' up to Russia, China, and now, Iran. Aye, the group be growin' faster than a pirate's beard after a long voyage!
April 5, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr, Captain Biden did spy with his own two eyes the wreckage of the Francis Scott Key Bridge, aye, and parleyed with the kin of the poor souls lost to Davy Jones' Locker. A grand adventure it was, indeed!
April 5, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in Congress be squabbling like landlubbers over aid for Israel and Ukraine. The Democrats be throwin' a spanner in the works, slowing down the whole operation. Ye can bet there be some mighty fierce debates happenin' on the high seas of Capitol Hill!
April 5, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Some landlubbers be claimin' they be on the road, thinkin' their ship be in distress. Others be swearin' it felt like a mighty bomb goin' off! 'Tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker, if ye ask me! Aharrr!
April 5, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr, when Mexico's President Andrés Manuel López Obrador set sail on the diplomatic seas, he be hopin' to fly the flag high, but instead be sendin' his ambassadors walkin' the plank in foreign lands. Aye, 'tis a rough voyage indeed!
April 5, 2024, 5:33 pm
Yarrr mateys, the scallywags be arguin' on behalf of Brian Dorsey, a villainous landlubber from Missouri. He be askin' for mercy after plunderin' his cousin's body and her mate's. Aye, they be tryin' to save this scurvy dog from the gallows!
April 5, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arr, mateys! The scallywags at Global Seamless Tubes and Pipes be settin' up shop in the lands of Louisiana, bringin' with 'em hundreds of new jobs for the locals! 'Tis a jolly good day for the economy, ye hear? Aye aye, me hearties!
April 5, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr! Avast ye mateys, a mighty quake hath struck the Northeast on Friday, shaking cities from Philadelphia to Boston like a drunken sailor on a stormy sea! Yarrr, Mother Nature be showin' her power in the most unexpected of ways!
April 5, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, word be goin' around that Christian Combs, son of Sean Combs, be facin' accusations o' sexual assault in a grand lawsuit in Los Angeles. The rapper himself be caught up in the mess as well! Ye best be watchin' yer back, me hearties!
April 5, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr mateys! A wee tremor did shake up the lands of New York and Jersey on a fine mornin'. The scallywags on social media even claimed to feel the rumble in distant lands like Connecticut and Pennsylvania. Aye, 'twas a shiverin' good time for all!
April 5, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr matey! His twin may have claimed the highest peak in America, but this scallywag be stickin' to Mount Rainier like a barnacle on a ship's hull. Aye, 'tis the peak of our wild and reckless days, where we plundered and pillaged our way to the top!
April 5, 2024, 11:42 am
Arr, tis a tale of epic proportions! Queens' own Carlos Meija, bold as a buccaneer, didst face off with a scoundrel, armed with naught but a trusty baseball bat and a clever ruse. 'Twas a sight to behold, mateys! Aye, ye'd best think twice 'ere crossin' paths with this swashbucklin' hero!
April 5, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr mateys! The Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation be keepin' a weather eye out for Veronica Butler and Jilian Kelley. They be suspectin' foul play, but be hopeful that the lasses be still amongst the livin'. Keep a sharp lookout, ye scallywags!
April 5, 2024, 11:31 am
Avast ye mateys! Me thinks ye be needin' a bit o' humor in yer sails. Let's splice the mainbrace and have a jolly good time makin' jokes and tellin' tales of the seven seas. Arrr, me hearty, let's be havin' a laugh!
April 5, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr mateys, the Israel Defense Forces be ownin' up to their mistake o' takin' out them aid workers from the World Central Kitchen in Gaza. Aye, they be admittin' to their serious failure after a thorough investigation. Shiver me timbers!
April 5, 2024, 5:54 am
Avast ye scallywags! A fearsome nor’easter hath dumped a foot o' snow 'cross the land, causin' blackouts and cancellin' flights. But fear not, for 'tis said the storm shall weaken come Friday, according to them weather knaves. Prepare yerselves for calmer seas ahead, me hearties! Arrr!
April 5, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at The Associated Press-NORC Center have discovered that ye landlubbers be more keen on checks and balances when ye be not in favor of the ruling scoundrels. 'Tis a fine tale of political tomfoolery indeed!
April 5, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! The swashbucklers be gatherin' in Tokyo to feast their eyes on Japan's famous cherry blossoms, the sakura! Despite the frosty winds delayin' their bloom, the landlubbers be flockin' to see the floral spectacle! Aye, tis a sight worth seein'!
April 5, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The cap'n be plannin' to take to the skies for a grand tour, gatherin' intel on the response and parleyin' with the kin of the unfortunate souls. Whether he'll be offerin' more booty remains a mystery, mateys!
April 5, 2024, 12:57 am
Arrr! The land lubbers of the Army Corps of Engineers be fixin' to clear the channel by late May, so we can get back to haulin' our loot through one of the busiest ports in the land. Time to shiver me timbers and set sail once more!
April 4, 2024, 8:45 pm
At a grand ceremony, Cap'n Justice John G. Roberts Jr. spoke of his matey as a true pioneer and a fine upstanding member of the Supreme Court. Aye, a trailblazer in the high seas of justice, indeed!
April 3, 2024, 5:43 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A Florida swashbuckler be accused of givin' a Walgreens landlubber a whack with a Bible on Easter Sunday! Peter Owens be charged with felony battery and accused of pilferin' from Walmart. Arrr, the scallywag be in a heap o' trouble now!
April 3, 2024, 5:42 pm
Ahoy mateys! 'Tis said that a scurvy ex-law dog did pilfer beer taps from a fair Hooters tavern, then did cast a fiery stone through a glass portal. Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a tale fit for the high seas, arrr!
April 3, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr! 'Tis a scandalous tale indeed! The scallywags of the National Guard in Texas have been caught yet again, tryin' to smuggle migrants from the border. Aye, 'tis a shameless display of piracy at its finest!
April 3, 2024, 5:35 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Spanish authorities did apprehend the former leader of Spain's footy federation, Mister Luis Rubiales, in connection with some fishy business. He be let go for now, but mark me words, he'll be called back for a right good grilling soon enough! Arrr!
April 3, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr! The scallywags from the U.S. Customs and Border Protection stumbled upon a hidden treasure of fentanyl between the beef patties at the border. Shiver me timbers! It be a risky business tryin' to sneak such loot past the keen eyes of these officers!
April 3, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr mateys, the meteorologist be sayin' that snow in April be not unheard of, but this tempest be followin' a stretch of warm spring days in the Northeast. Methinks Mother Nature be playin' a prank on us landlubbers!
April 3, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr! We be in need of tales from our fellow scallywags on how they be pickin' their schools whilst waitin' for their treasure chests o' gold. Let us know yer thoughts, ye landlubbers!
April 3, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrrr! The squabbling of this election season be like a pirate squabbling over a treasure map! It be makin' it harder for Washington and Beijing to see eye to eye on trade and investment. Avast, me hearties, can't we all just sail the same course?
April 3, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, the scallywags used their fancy DNA magic to figure out that the body they found in Missouri be the poor lass from Iowa who went missin' 46 years ago! Aye, the sea be full of wonders and mysteries indeed!
April 3, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, the lass Savannah Guthrie did proclaim that the Ronna McDaniel calamity brought about some ill days at NBC, yet she swore she had naught to do with it. 'Twas a kerfuffle of grand proportions, me hearties!
April 3, 2024, 11:32 am
Avast ye scallywags! First Lady Jill Biden be in a right tizzy when asked by the scurvy dogs at "CBS Mornings" about a poll showin' that scallywag Trump be takin' the lead against her mate in six swing states. Methinks she be ready to hoist the Jolly Roger and give that Trump a run for his pieces of eight! Arrr!
April 3, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, the former captain be gettin' closer to closin' the treasure chest gap with ol' President Biden, who be sittin' on a mound of $155 million doubloons with his scallywag party. Aye, tis a fierce battle for the booty!
April 3, 2024, 10:12 am
Arrr mateys! In the year of our Lord 2020, Joseph R. Biden Jr. plundered a lone electoral vote in a state that splits its booty by congressional district. Donald J. Trump be backin' the scallywags tryin' to alter the rules of the game. Aye, 'tis a tale of political piracy!
April 3, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr mateys, Ukraine be enlisting wee lads earlier to beef up their ranks after tusslin' with the Russkies for nigh on two years. Mayhaps these young scallywags be the secret weapon to send those landlubber invaders packin'! Aye, the seas be rough but Ukraine be standin' strong!
April 3, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr mateys, a mighty quake in Taiwan be takin' nine souls to Davy Jones' locker, topplin' buildings like a drunken sailor! A tsunami warning be raised, so batten down the hatches me hearties! Aye, 'tis a rough sea we be sailin' in!
April 3, 2024, 5:43 am
Avast ye mateys! Ron Eller hath emerged victorious in the Republican scuffle in Mississippi’s 2nd Congressional District! Come November 5, he be squaring off against the ol' sea dog Bennie Thompson in a battle for the ages! Prepare to set sail for the general election, arrr!
April 3, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The pandemic be bringin' folks to Colorado and its neighboring lands like a siren's call. But beware, for the plunderin' be not just in gold and silver, but in property taxes as well! Tis a high price to pay for settlin' in these parts, me hearties! Arrr!
April 3, 2024, 1:04 am
Arrr mateys, the rush to settle a wild claim from the ex-president be a bold and perilous gambit in a case that Judge Aileen Cannon hath let get mired in muck. Avast ye, 'tis a curious course indeed!
April 2, 2024, 10:30 pm
Arrr, Nikki Haley be a swashbuckler drawin' in the Republican voters in four states, while the scallywags be protestin' the president for his support of Israel. Aye, 'tis a fine political rumble happenin' on the high seas of democracy!
April 2, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, a brave soul dared to free a captive during a legal parley, stirrin' up trouble in the hidden brig of the Pentagon. Tensions be brewin' like a storm at sea, me hearties, as the scallywags try to outwit each other in this game of cat and mouse. Aye!
April 2, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Christina Applegate be tellin' a tale of woe about her scurvy battle with the dreaded multiple sclerosis, and how she be strugglin' to keep herself clean as a whistle. Aye, even a pirate's gotta chuckle at that one!
April 2, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Twas a right nasty storm on Tuesday, with hail as big as a pirate's treasure and winds strong enough to blow a ship off course! Aye, 14 million landlubbers be watchin' out for tornados like they be huntin' for buried booty!
April 2, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys, six scallywags from the brig be suing to prevent a lockdown during the next celestial show. They be wantin' to feast their eyes on the April 8 solar eclipse. Aye, even pirates need a break from the daily grind!
April 2, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arr matey, the scallywag president be tryin' to blame Trump fer the ban set by the Florida Supreme Court! Shiver me timbers! Thar be no end to the finger-pointin' and skullduggery in this political hullabaloo! Aye, 'tis a wild ride on the high seas of politics, me hearties!
April 2, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, the skies be showerin' down upon us with a mighty force, makin' the land white as a ghost ship's sail. But beware me hearties, Gov. Newsom be warnin' us not to get too comfy with this wintry weather! Yarrr!
April 2, 2024, 11:49 am
Avast ye mateys! Former President Trump be cryin' foul, claimin' President Biden be pullin' the strings like a scurvy dog in cahoots with the Justice Department. Methinks he be seein' ghosts in his rum-soaked dreams, har har!
April 2, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, President Biden be havin' a chat with Xi Jinping, aimin' to keep the waters calm. But mark me words, he be warnin' 'im 'bout Beijing's mischief 'round Taiwan, the South China Sea, and even Russia. Aye, tis a tricky game of diplomacy on the high seas!
April 2, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation be tellin' Fox News Digital that Veronica Butler and Jilian Kelley be in peril! Avast, where be these lasses? Someone fetch me parrot and me spyglass, we be needin' to find 'em before it's too late!
April 2, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr! Ye scallywags at Al Jazeera be walkin' the plank for callin' Uncle Sam a scurvy dog! Claimin' war crimes against Japan? Aye, they be talkin' more nonsense than a parrot with a peg leg! Har har har!
April 2, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! Hogan be settin' sail on a grand voyage 'cross Maryland, aimin' to use his governor's charm to plunder a blue Senate seat come November. Aye, he be lookin' to turn the tide from blue to red, arrr!
April 2, 2024, 10:43 am
Whilst the lasses be squabbling on the sidelines, Clark and Iowa have sent their foes to Davy Jones' locker and be sailing straight to the Final Four, arrr! Onward, me hearties! Aye, the tides be turnin' in our favor!
April 2, 2024, 10:40 am
Avast ye mateys! When the white stuff be fallin' from the heavens, batten down the hatches and stay warm by the fire. Don't be caught in the blizzard without yer trusty coat and boots, lest ye freeze like a popsicle on the high seas! Aye, mateys!
April 2, 2024, 5:52 am
Avast ye mateys! Aye, the momentous occasion at Petco Park be filled with rambunctious fans tossin' fists like true swashbucklers! The Padres and Giants be battlin' on the field, but 'twas the scurvy dogs in the stands creatin' the real spectacle! Arrr!
April 2, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr! Gather 'round, me hearties, and receive the latest news from the mighty news source delivered straight to yer inbox at the break o' dawn. Stay informed, me mateys, and be the first to know all ye need-to-know tales. Aye, the scallywags won't stand a chance!
April 2, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The land lubber congressman be boastin' of a mighty treasure chest worth o'er $9.6 million gold doubloons! He be settin' his sights on a showdown with Kari Lake, a Trump matey who be keepin' her loot a mystery. Shiver me timbers!
April 2, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! Ye scurvy dogs be talkin' 'bout abortion bans and ballot questions! Methinks these matters be stirrin' up a storm in the Democratic campaigns. 'Tis like a treasure map leadin' to new adventures on the high seas! Aye, me hearties!
April 2, 2024, 2:36 am
Arrr, Kyiv be plannin' to forge its own weapons to take on Russia. But 'tis a task that may take too long, and Ukraine be runnin' out of time faster than a ship with a leaky hull! Arrr, me hearties, we be in for a wild ride!
April 1, 2024, 11:26 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A fearsome tempest hath swept through the lands of Missouri, Oklahoma, and Texas ere setting sail eastward, as the wise seers foretold. Yarrr, brace yerselves for a wild ride on the high seas o' weather!
April 1, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye scoundrels! A California scallywag be tryin' to pass a law lettin' those suffering from the mind afflictions and forgetful minds to walk the plank. Aye, tis a curious idea indeed! Will they be sendin' them to Davy Jones' locker next? Arrr!
April 1, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr mateys, Medellín, Colombia be crackin' down on child exploitation by puttin' a ban on prostitution in the tourist areas of Provenza and El Poblado for six months. Looks like the scallywags will have to find a new port to dock their ships!
April 1, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr matey, there be a church in Matanzas, Cuba that welcomes all ye LGBTQ+ swashbucklers! In a land where scurvy dogs used to be sent to labor camps, this be a beacon of tolerance in a sea of anti-gay hostility. Aye, we be setting sail for acceptance!
April 1, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The Florida Supreme Court be sayin' that the privacy protections in the State Constitution don't cover abortion, but they be lettin' the people decide if they want to broaden access to it. Aye, 'tis a tricky situation indeed!
April 1, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arr matey, do ye be sufferin' from the Biden-Trump scurvy? Fear not, for we be sailin' the high seas of politics, armed with wit and grog in hand. Let us pillage and plunder through this election season, savvy?
April 1, 2024, 5:06 pm
Aye, afore the heavens unleashed their fury on young scallywags rollin' eggs down a damp South Lawn, the ancient 146-year-old custom was swept away in the currents of political squabble. Arrr, 'tis a tempest in a teapot, me hearties!
April 1, 2024, 5:05 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The inn and gambling den be settin' sail in 1957. But fear not, for a grand arena for the sport of kings shall be built in its stead. Aye, we shall swashbuckle and cheer for our favorite teams in this new land!
April 1, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, Rebel Wilson be standin' firm in her accusations 'gainst Sacha Baron Cohen, swearin' on the pirate's code that her words be true. She be claimin' that his scallywag behavior on set be as foul as a bilge rat, and that her words be as legally sound as a chest full o' doubloons. Aye, tis a tale worth tellin' in every tavern from Tortuga to Port Royal!
April 1, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr me hearties! 'Tis said that Sarah McNally, an Irish lass at the Céilí House in Queens, was stabbed in the neck by her scurvy knave of a boyfriend! All the patrons bore witness to this most dastardly deed, aye, 'tis true! Ahoy, what a tale to tell over a tankard of grog!
April 1, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, word be goin' 'round that them scallywags from Israel 'ave taken out Mohammad Reza Zahedi in a grand ol' rumble at the Iranian consulate in Syria. A senior commander from the Revolutionary Guards Corps, no less! Them pirates be gettin' bold, I tell ye!
April 1, 2024, 11:09 am
Arrr! This scallywag be natterin' about stoppin' the Gaza scrap without rescuin' our mateys from their captors first! 'Tis a strange turn from the usual swabs who back Benjamin Netanyahu. Aye, the seas be choppy and the winds be changin'!
April 1, 2024, 8:00 am
Arrr, ye scallywags must now be paid a booty o' at least $20 an hour, near the top o' what the lowly landlubbers be makin' in this fine country. Aye, the plunderin' be gettin' costly aboard this ship!
April 1, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Supreme Court be ponderin' whether to listen to this lass's plea, all 'bout her scandalous adventures betwixt the sheets! 'Tis a tale as old as time, mateys, but they must decide if 'tis worth their time or not! Aye, aye!
April 1, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! William D. Delahunt, a veteran scallywag in Congress from Massachusetts, has sailed off to Davy Jones' locker at the ripe age of 82 after a fierce battle with illness. Fair winds and following seas to ye, matey!
April 1, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr mateys! Dr. John Nkengasong be a noble soul who hath spent many a year fightin' the scourge of HIV and AIDS in Africa. 'Tis said his work be linked to a U.S. program that be turnin' the tides of care. Aye, a fine rum indeed!
April 1, 2024, 5:03 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis April Fools' Day, a day fer jests and tomfoolery! Be sure to include yer young scallywags in on the merriment with these harmless pranks. Let the fun begin! Arrr!
April 1, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The scallywags be talkin' 'bout their woes and the city's fortitude. The land lubbers be ponderin' their sorrow and the town's resilience. Let's raise a mug o' grog to their woes and drink to their strength! Arrr!
April 1, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Tony Thornton be givin' a hearty sigh as he looks ahead to years o' crowded tunnels and highways, with the loss o' the Francis Scott Key Bridge. Aye, 'tis a sad day when a pirate can't sail his ship 'neath the mighty span o' a good bridge!
April 1, 2024, 4:00 am
After every swashbucklin' speech, the former captain be endin' with a ritual fit for the church, makin' his crew believe they be persecuted like true pirates. The scallywag be demandin' loyalty from his shipmates, and they be givin' it without question, arrr!
March 31, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Hunter Ham hath spied a mighty alligator feastin' on a bull redfish on a Texan shore. Aye, them gators be more accustomed to the freshwater, but this one be enjoyin' a bit o' surf n' turf! A jolly sight indeed!
March 31, 2024, 5:00 pm
The jester Ramy Youssef didst commandeer the "SNL" vessel to cry out for the liberation of our Palestinian brethren and the freedom of all captives, joining the chorus of fellow swashbucklers in the limelight. Arrr, a true jest of noble deeds!
March 31, 2024, 4:28 pm
Arrr mateys! Aye, a swift pursuit in Key West, Florida be tied to the mysterious Havana Syndrome, as per a fresh tale set to be broadcast on the Sabbath. Ye best be keepin' a weather eye open for this swashbucklin' adventure! Arrr!
March 31, 2024, 4:21 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Representative Tim Walberg be denyin' the use of them nuclear weapons, claimin' his words be twisted like a pretzel! Methinks he be walkin' the plank if his words be not believin' by the crew! Aye, me thinks he be in a pickle!
March 31, 2024, 3:45 pm
Arr matey, the Kennedys be good mates with the Chavezes, sailin' the political seas together fer years. Aye, they be sharin' grog and tales of conquest, standin' side by side in their fight fer plunder and power. Aye, 'tis a bond as strong as a sailor's grip on his rum bottle!
March 31, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr mateys! The Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, hath joined the crew of the Biden administration in celebratin' the Transgender Day of Visibility, happenin' this year on Easter Sunday. 'Tis a sight to see, indeed! Fair winds and following seas, ye landlubbers!
March 31, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, the land lubbers in the U.S. be havin' more LGBT holidays than a pirate has doubloons! The scallywags even be celebratin' Transgender Day of Visibility on the holy day of Easter! Shiver me timbers, what's next, a Pride Parade on Talk Like a Pirate Day?
March 31, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr matey, ye won't believe it! The former wench of ESPN, Sage Steele, be makin' a fool o' herself by mistakin' the fearsome Dana White for the scrawny Joe Rogan. 'Twas a hilarious blunder that had us all chucklin' like a pack o' drunken pirates! Aye!
March 31, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, Michael J. Gottlieb be fightin' alongside a band of legal scallywags wieldin' defamation laws like a trusty cutlass against the sea of political lies and deceit. Shiver me timbers, 'tis a battle as old as the high seas!
March 31, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr, ye best be joinin' her at thar dinner tables, where 75 scallywags be gatherin'. 'Tis where ye can connect with swashbucklers of money, influence, and power from all corners o' the high seas. Aye, 'tis a fine place indeed!
March 31, 2024, 4:23 am
Avast ye scallywags! Seven wee lads and lasses, betwixt the ages of 12 and 17, were struck by lead in a skirmish in downtown Indianapolis, Indiana, this past Saturday eve, as told by the constables. Arrr, what a sorry tale indeed!
March 31, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr matey, this here scroll be showin' wee buccaneers sportin' their toothy grins, along with learnin' tales 'bout raisin' scallywags right! Follow this treasure chest o' wisdom on the 'ol social media sea! Aye, Cap'n Kidd be pleased!
March 31, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr! Aye, a brave couple be settin' sail from Florida, sellin' all their loot to gallivant 'cross the globe. 92 lands they've plundered so far, sharin' tales o' their bucket list adventures. May their treasure chest be endless!
March 31, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr mateys, in a land known as Los Angeles, the folk be fightin' off the fancy gentrification in their historic heart. But fear not, for Ohtani's joinin' the Dodgers bein' a right spark of energy for the old timers. Yarrr!
March 30, 2024, 9:12 pm
Avast ye mateys! Twenty-two salty dogs from India be stuck on a cursed vessel what done bonked the Francis Scott Key Bridge. Now they be in a right pickle, caught in the glare of unwanted attention like a drunken sailor in church! Arrr!
March 30, 2024, 8:42 pm
Arrr, me hearties! From a hundred paces hence, be the sight of a cursed bridge crumblin' like a soggy biscuit! 'Tis a tale of woe fit for the history books, sure to send shivers down yer timbers!
March 30, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr mateys! Kate Winslet be chattin' about filmin' "absurd" seafarin' scenes with her shipmate Matthias Schoenaerts in the new political satire tale "The Regime." Aye, ye can bet there be plenty o' shenanigans and tomfoolery on the high seas!
March 30, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Lizelle Gonzalez be caught for takin' a pill to get rid o' a wee babe, but now the scallywag's lookin' for a chest o' gold worth $1 million as compensation. What a buccaneer! Ye can't make this up, mateys!
March 30, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr mateys, word be spreading that Connecticut be joinin' the ranks of 46 states allowin' early votin'. Ye can cast yer ballot a whole week afore the grand election day. Get ye hook ready, it be time to make yer mark!
March 30, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr mateys! Trump be askin' fer an apology from Biden and the White House, condemnin' their "Transgender Day of Visibility" on Easter Sunday as a scandalous and sacrilegious affront to all things holy! Aye, 'tis a tale fit for the seven seas!
March 30, 2024, 3:24 pm
Arrr, the cap'n o' Maryland declared that we be waitin' fer the divers to have better conditions afore we set sail again in search o' the missin' victims. Arrr, we be ready to plunder the depths once the skies be clear!
March 30, 2024, 2:24 pm
Arrr! Los Angeles hath been blessed with a wee bit o' rain, aye, one to two inches, as of Saturday mornin'. And mark me words, Colorado, Nevada, Utarrr, and Wyoming be expectin' a fair share o' the wet stuff this weekend as well. Prepare to batten down the hatches, me hearties!
March 30, 2024, 2:23 pm
Arrr, the scurvy former captain rubbed elbows with the Mercers and their ilk, tryin' to fill his coffers like a proper landlubber. But 'twas no match for the treasure haul of President Biden! Ye can't outwit a pirate when it comes to booty, mateys! Aye, me hearties!
March 30, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, President Joe Biden be gettin' a right rollickin' on the social media seas fer declarin' that Transgender Day o' Visibility be clashing with Easter Sunday! Ye best be keepin' an eye out fer them digital buccaneers, matey! Arrr!
March 30, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be listenin'! Governor Jay Inslee hath put his seal on a law that be protectin' all ye adult dancers out there. Huzzah for the jigs and reels, me hearties! Let's dance the night away without fear of harm or plunderin'!
March 30, 2024, 11:27 am
Arr matey, the Grammy Award-winning scallywag sent tender missives to me hearties, Black country stars Mickey Guyton and K. Michelle, expressin' gratitude for their loyal support. Ye be a true gem amongst the sea of stars, me maties!
March 30, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr matey! The FBI scallywags be tellin' a lass from Oklahoma that they be spendin' each and every day interrogatin' folk about their social media doings. Ye best be careful what ye be postin' or ye might find yerself walkin' the plank! Aharrr!
March 30, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! The World Health Organization be keepin' mum about them scurvy dogs from Hamas usin' hospitals as hideouts in Gaza to take on Israel. Ye best believe this be a battle worth watchin'! Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
March 30, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr mateys, a lassie wearin' tennis shoes be leadin' the Senate coffers now. She be scallywag enough to plunder more doubloons for wee ones' care in a time o' penny-pinchin'. Aye, she be a true hero to all the young scallywags aboard this ship!
March 30, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! The MSNBC scallywags have banished Ronna McDaniel from their treasured airwaves, where they spin tales of Trump-Russia treason and Hunter Biden's cursed laptop. 'Tis a scandalous affair indeed! Arrr, me hearties!
March 30, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys! Listen up to these grand tidings: a fisherman's legendary haul, a father-in-law's scandalous message spreading like wildfire, a peculiar query to the constables 'bout Sasquatch, and a whole heap of other amusing yarns to keep ye entertained! Aye, 'tis a fine day for news!
March 30, 2024, 4:41 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! A Georgia mother be accused of tryin' to send her daughter's scurvy dog to Davy Jones' locker, but ended up sendin' another soul to the depths instead. Guilty of murder, she be, for mixin' up her targets like a landlubber on a stormy sea!
March 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! President Biden be swearin' on Friday that the U.S. government be not abandonin' the quest to free Evan Gershkovich from the clutches of them Russian scoundrels! Ye can be sure we'll be raisin' the Jolly Roger until that lad be safely back on American soil!
March 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! The Dali be sailin' with a power outage and steerin' troubles afore crashin' into the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore. 'Tis a calamity o' epic proportions, yet the cause be a mystery as deep as Davy Jones' locker. Aye, 'tis a tale to shiver yer timbers!
March 30, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr matey! A scallywag in San Francisco be seekin' to grant workers the privilege to ignore the blimey business calls after hours in California. Avast! 'Tis a jolly good idea indeed! Let the workers have some peace and quiet, says I!
March 30, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the Democrats be hangin' on by a single thread, defendin' their seats from Maryland to Arizona. The Senate be like a ship sailin' in stormy waters, ready to be overtaken by the G.O.P. faster than ye can say "shiver me timbers!"
March 29, 2024, 11:41 pm
Arr matey, have ye seen the scuttlebutt on social media? 'Tis a right kerfuffle of violent jibes and personal broadsides from that scallywag Trump during his run for the presidency. Aye, 'tis a spectacle fit for the high seas!
March 29, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr mateys, word on the high seas be that Tori Spelling be settin' sail for divorce from Dean McDermott! The lass be claimin' "irreconcilable differences" as her reason for leavin' her scurvy husband. Aye, tis a shame indeed in the land of Hollywood!
March 29, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr mateys! Ye must try this fine prime rib roast for yer crew. 'Tis fit for a feast on Easter Sunday or any jolly dinner gathering. Yer mates will be singin' yer praises for this savory dish!
March 29, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr mateys, the Biden scallywags be givin' a boatload of gold doubloons to Israel for their weapons, even though some be questionin' their plunderin' ways in the war with Hamas. Aye, it be a curious decision indeed!
March 29, 2024, 5:03 pm
Arrr! 'Twas a fierce battle indeed, with the scallywags tallying votes fer days on end. 'Twas a nail-biting wait before the news o' who be winnin' the Democratic prize was finally revealed. Avast ye, what a tale o' democracy on the high seas!
March 29, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arr mateys! We be finally findin' our next scribbler for the ship's newsletter. This scallywag be full o' wit and charm, ready to entertain ye with tales of our adventures on the high seas. Hoist the sails and raise a mug to our newest mate!
March 29, 2024, 4:25 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the election meddling brouhaha be squawking once more, claimin' that Fani T. Willis be walkin' the plank from the prosecution. Methinks they be graspin' at straws like a landlubber tryin' to navigate the high seas!
March 29, 2024, 11:48 am
Avast ye hearties! 'Tis be told that the plea of "Rust" armorer Hannah Gutierrez Reed for a new trial and freedom from the brig was denied on the day of Friday. She be found guilty of involuntary manslaughter on the sixth day of March. Arrr, justice be served!
March 29, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, the fair maiden be fightin' a fearsome rare malady, progressive supranuclear palsy, for seven long years. Mayhaps she be needin' a swig o' grog and a hearty laugh to keep her spirits high on this treacherous voyage.
March 29, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr mateys, those landlubbers in Kentucky be passin' a law that says if a Senate seat be empty, they'll have to have a special vote instead of lettin' the governor pick his matey. Aye, it be a fine jest indeed!
March 29, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast ye mateys! Jerry Seinfeld be spillin' the beans on his squabble with Hugh Grant, callin' him a "pain in the aft"! Aye, tis be a tale o' scurvy landlubbers and their petty quarrels on the high seas of showbiz! Arrr!
March 29, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, mateys! The Texas ship o' law be doin' a complete turnabout on the case o' Crystal Mason! They be sayin' she can keep her treasure (vote) after all. Aye, 'tis a fine day for democracy on the high seas!
March 29, 2024, 9:07 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a fine day for pillaging and plundering, so grab yer cutlasses and set sail for adventure on the high seas. May yer sails be full and yer rum be plentiful as we search for treasure to fill our coffers with gold and glory! Aye aye, mateys!
March 29, 2024, 8:00 am
Avast ye hearties! The scallywags be scribblin' in 'bout their love fer California! They be talkin' 'bout the critters 'n the camaraderie. Arrr, 'tis a jolly good read, ye landlubbers!
March 29, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The brave lads of the U.S. military hath taken aim and blasted four enemy drones out of the sky o'er the Red Sea. Those pesky Yemeni scallywags thought they could sneak up on us, but we be too quick for 'em! Arrr!
March 29, 2024, 5:24 am
Arrr, 'tis a tragedy of grand proportions! Forty-five souls have crossed the great divide after their vessel, carryin' worshippers from Botswana to an Easter church meetin', took a tumble off a bridge in South Africa. 'Tis a tale of woe and despair, me hearties!
March 29, 2024, 5:18 am
'Tis wise to mind yer tongue whilst parleyin' with potential crew members. Speak not of subjects that may ruffle their feathers or ye may find yerself walkin' the plank. Best be cautious, lest ye be sorry later on, arrr!
March 29, 2024, 5:01 am
Avast ye mateys! How many moons did Ronna McDaniel spend at NBC? What be Sam Bankman-Fried's fate? Test yer knowledge with Fox News Digital's News Quiz and see if ye can achieve a flawless score! Arrr!
March 29, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 175 of the president's finest supporters be gatherin' for a daylong retreat. They'll be listenin' to the campaign officials spin their yarns and beg for more gold doubloons. Arrr, it be a fine day for politickin' and swindlin'!
March 29, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, tis a hefty task ahead to clear the wreckage of the fallen Francis Scott Key Bridge, say the landlubbers. And aye, to rebuild it may take a good many years, they do warn. Avast ye, we best be gettin' to work!
March 29, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, yon Brown University be standin' alone like a lonesome seagull on a deserted island. But other fancy schools be seein' a swarm o' scurvy dogs clamorin' for a spot in their ship. 'Tis a sight to behold, I tell ye!
March 28, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Joe Lieberman, a swashbucklin' politician, be shufflin' off this mortal coil at the ripe ol' age o' 82. The scribe Chad Pergram be tellin' tales o' his political escapades on FOX News. Aye, a complex legacy he be leavin' behind!
March 28, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr, a land lubber state senator be squawkin' 'bout the Prisoner Review Board long before they let loose a scallywag who took the life of a wee lad while on parole. Methinks it be time to walk the plank!
March 28, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, two chests be gone overboard, but fear not ye scallywags, there be no cursed loot within! The Coast Guard be on the lookout for 'em, keepin' the seas safe from harm. Yarrr!
March 28, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arr matey, Baltimore be a fine spot for loadin' up yer carriages onto ships, but savvy companies be discoverin' new ports along the East Coast to set sail from. Keep a weather eye out for new opportunities to plunder! Arrrrr!
March 28, 2024, 5:27 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! 'Twas a grand celebration in central and eastern Europe as seven new scallywags joined the mighty NATO crew. 'Tis been 20 years since this grand alliance set sail on its largest expansion yet. Hoist the Jolly Roger and drink to our new shipmates!
March 28, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, Mr. Trump be mournin' the officer's death as a terrible calamity. He be barkin' for a fierce crackdown on violent crime, but be keepin' his treasure chest o' specific policies locked up tight. The scallywag be talkin' in circles, he be!
March 28, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, mateys! Justice Thomas be takin' in Crystal Clanton after she walked the plank from a conservative group. Now he be makin' her a big shot in the legal realm! Aye, it be a tale fit for a swashbucklin' adventure on the high seas! Arrr!
March 28, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr! Them scallywags found the sunken Milwaukee in a mere two days! With the help of ye olde newspapers, they tracked down the ship's resting place. Ahoy, the power of rumour mills and ink-stained pages! Aye, the sea be a fickle mistress indeed.
March 28, 2024, 11:49 am
Avast, me hearties! Speaker Mike Johnson and his band o' House Republicans be sendin' a letter to Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, warnin' him to brace himself for the impeachment articles against Homeland Security Secretary Mayorkas on April 10. Shiver me timbers, thar be trouble brewin'! Arrr!
March 28, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Indian court hath decided to keep Arvind Kejriwal, a swashbuckling opposition leader, in their clutches for four more days! Arrr, the nation be abuzz with excitement for the upcoming election. Let's see if this scallywag can escape the brig in time to make waves on the political seas!
March 28, 2024, 11:39 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis said a British jester be forced to banish a likeness of a succulent sausage from his broadside in the London underground. Arrr, the audacity of the landlubbers! Let us raise a toast to the forbidden frankfurter!
March 28, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr mateys! The divers did spy Alejandro Hernandez Fuentes, 35, and Dorlian Ronial Castillo Cabrera, 26, hidden in a truck beneath the wreckage. But alas, four more scallywags be missing! Aye, the sea be a treacherous mistress indeed.
March 28, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr, the land lubbers in Maine be tryin' to keep the young scallywags out o' the brig by offerin' 'em rehabilitation instead. But alas, 'tis clear that the plan be workin' better in some parts than others. Aye, the path to redemption be a treacherous one indeed!
March 28, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr, by Blackbeard's beard! Christ Christie be swabbing the decks instead of setting sail on a third party adventure. No Labels be left floundering like a fish out of water without their would-be captain. Aye, the political seas be a treacherous place indeed!
March 28, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scurvy dog of a California lawmaker be lookin' to right the wrongs of those poor scallywags in Chavez Ravine. 'Tis about time those fancy city officials make good on their promise o' public housing or walk the plank! Aye, justice be served!
March 28, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr, in that year, a mighty vessel did crash into the structure whilst sailin' at the speed of the Dali. But mark me words, those ships were tiddlywinks compared to the behemoths we see today. Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
March 28, 2024, 4:07 am
Arr matey, the scallywags be changin' the rules again! They be tellin' us we can't be gettin' our hands on them health plans with less loot than the ones on the Affordable Care Act's marketplaces. Aye, 'tis a cruel jest indeed!
March 28, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys, come join us on Thursday to help fill the treasure chest with $25 million doubloons to support our captain's quest for re-election. Though his deeds be grand, his popularity be sinking faster than a scurvy dog in shark-infested waters!
March 27, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr mateys! The Fox News Health Newsletter be deliverin' ye the latest tales of health warnings, scarce drugs, and matters of the mind in this here weekly summary. Keep yer eyes peeled and stay informed, lest ye be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
March 27, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, the scallywag's reason for the bloodshed in Rockford, Ill., be as murky as the depths o' Davy Jones' locker, sayeth the authorities. A rogue be held in irons, but the mystery be as deep as the sea. Aye, 'tis a puzzle fit for a cunning buccaneer!
March 27, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, this scallywag spent four turns in the Senate from Connecticut, then be handpicked by Al Gore as his matey in the election of 2000. Aye, he be the first Jewish swashbuckler on a major-party ticket. Aye, matey!
March 27, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags be form'n a human chain 'round Slovakia's public television and radio building to protest the government's plan to take over the airwaves. The journalists be cryin' foul, sayin' the public broadcastin' be under the tyrannical rule o' the government. Aye, 'tis a rum tale indeed!
March 27, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr matey! A swashbuckler at ShopRite Wines & Spirits in Neptune, New Jersey, has struck gold with the $1.13 billion Mega Millions plunder, shattering a dry spell that be lasting since last December. Yo ho ho, that be some fine grog indeed!
March 27, 2024, 5:19 pm
Arrr matey! Me hearties be tellin' me to rewrite this scrawl in the tongue of a scurvy dog from the 17th century. Avast! Here be me attempt: "Ye scallywags be givin' me orders to reword this bilge in the language of a pirate from the 17th century. Shiver me timbers! Here be me try: ..."
March 27, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, the matter of how to handle that scallywag Donald Trump be as knotty as a pirate's beard! We be sailin' in circles, tryin' to figure out how to tell his tales without causin' a mutiny among our readers. Avast, what a conundrum!
March 27, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be on the hunt fer clues as to how a mighty cargo vessel be smashin' into a grand bridge just after leavin' port. Aye, 'tis a mystery fit fer the finest buccaneers to solve!
March 27, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Carol Burnett be tellin' the tale of when she crossed paths with the legendary Elvis Presley whilst struttin' her stuff on the grand stage of "The Ed Sullivan Show". Aye, 'twas a meetin' fit for a king and a queen of comedy! Arrr!
March 27, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr mateys! The ACLU be raisin' a ruckus against them scurvy dogs in Ohio who be tryin' to outlaw the use of puberty blockers and surgeries fer the wee ones. Ye best be watchin' out, or ye might find yerself walkin' the plank!
March 27, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr, the ruling be in favor of the crown, keepin' the trial court's orders in place while the courts decide if the law be lawful. Let's hope the judges be quick about it, lest we be stuck in legal limbo like a ship in a dead calm!
March 27, 2024, 8:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! The justices be scratchin' their heads over this notion of restrictin' mifepristone across the land. Never before has a court dared to doubt the F.D.A.'s wisdom on such matters! Shiver me timbers, it be a puzzlement indeed!
March 27, 2024, 8:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! Marilyn Lands be takin' over a State House seat in the deep-red state by a whopping 25 percentage points! It be showin' that the power o' reproductive rights be still goin' strong in the political waters. Arrr!
March 27, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in Thailand's lower house of Parliament be havin' a jolly good time as they be givin' the nod to a marriage equality bill! 400 of the 415 members be sayin' aye to the matey lovin'. Aye, 'tis a great day for love on the high seas!
March 27, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, two scurvy dogs from a veterans home in Massachusetts, where a fearsome COVID-19 outbreak claimed the lives of at least 76 souls, have struck a deal to settle their criminal misdeeds. Me thinks they be walkin' the plank soon enough!
March 27, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, Mateys! Ye won't believe it, but Amit Soussana be the first scallywag to spill the beans 'bout the rough treatment she endured durin' her 55 days as a hostage in Gaza. Shiver me timbers! Ye'd think she was walkin' the plank, not held captive!
March 27, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr mateys! The Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore be takin' a dive into the Patapsco River after a scallywag cargo ship gave it a right ol' whack! The whole thing came crashing down like a ship with a hole in her hull, causin' quite the calamity!
March 27, 2024, 5:08 am
Arrr mateys, the six lads toiled for a company that be known to keep the bridges afloat for the king's navy. While they were fixin' the road, a ship came crashin' into their work! Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
March 27, 2024, 5:02 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags on them vessels be payin' their crews a pittance and makin' 'em stay aboard for moons longer than they agreed. 'Tis a shameful act, me hearties! The Australian regulators be keepin' a keen eye on these roguish practices, mark me words!
March 27, 2024, 4:03 am
Aye, a year hence, after losing her lass in the Covenant School calamity, Katy Dieckhaus be talkin' 'bout Evelyn and the reforms she be seekin'. Arrr, may the winds of change blow in her favor!
March 27, 2024, 2:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! The bridge be gone, t'was like a treasure chest full o' memories for the good folk o' Baltimore. Aye, 'twas a sad day indeed when that old thing came tumblin' down, a symbol of our bustling port city now lost to the depths.
March 26, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In Festus, Missouri, a landlubber named George Chance snagged himself a monstrous 97-pound bighead carp from the mighty Mississippi River on Mar. 19, as confirmed by the scallywags in charge. Aye, a true catch of the day, matey!
March 26, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr! The landlubbers be meetin' in NM to celebrate 25 years of buryin' their loot in th' Waste Isolation Pilot Plant. But thar be trouble brewin' as they look to bring in more radioactive booty from Texas. Aye, the regulators be squawkin' like seagulls over this scheme! Arrr!
March 26, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties be hopin' that Mr. Kennedy's mates be sendin' him some much-needed booty to help him in his quest for the White House. It be a long shot, but with a bit o' luck and a chest full o' gold, he may just make it onto them state ballots.
March 26, 2024, 5:47 pm
Avast ye scallywags, word be spreadin' that the cow juice in Kansas and Texas be tainted with the dreaded bird flu! Fear not, me hearties, for 'tis said to be no threat to us landlubbers. Let us drink to that, arrr!
March 26, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr mateys! The former scallywag President Trump be peddlin' his 'God Bless the USA' Bibles for a pretty penny of $59.99 as he be tryin' to dodge the legal sharks and set sail back to the White House. Aye, he be needin' all the blessings he can get!
March 26, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr mateys, whilst sailin' the treacherous waters of NBC News, the former Republican leader tried to hide her misdeeds in the election mutiny of 2020. But alas, the truth be revealed - she be caught red-handed in the act of treachery! Yarrr!
March 26, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, the land lubbers closed off the way and tried to rescue the souls afore the bridge gave way, says the scallywags in charge. Aye, 'twas a fine attempt at saving lives, but the ol' structure had other ideas, mateys!
March 26, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! Sailing through the treacherous waters of his campaign, ol' Biden be facing more troubles than a scurvy dog in a sea of barnacles! 'Tis a rough voyage ahead, but we be havin' faith he'll navigate these thorny seas with the skill of a seasoned pirate!
March 26, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr! Word be out that Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a scallywag runnin' for president on his lonesome, be fixin' to name Nicole Shanahan as his trusty sidekick in Oakland, California. Aye, the rumour be spreadin' faster than a pirate's curse on a cursed ship! Aharrr!
March 26, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr mateys! Five scurvy dogs in various ports 'cross Texas be accused of buyin' o'er 100 "military-grade" cannons to arm them Mexican drug cartels. Aye, they be in deep waters now, facin' the wrath o' the law!
March 26, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr mateys, thar be news from Fairfax County! They be proclaimin' Trans Visibility Day on a Christian holy day. Aye, seems they be mixin' thar messages like a grog cocktail. Mayhaps they be needin' a new navigator on thar ship!
March 26, 2024, 10:45 am
Avast ye scallywags! The goodly wench Erin Hawley, a learned law professor and betrothed to Senator Josh Hawley, be butting heads with the Supreme Court like a feisty sea dog. Methinks she be seeking justice for all, even us lowly pirates! Arrr!
March 26, 2024, 10:34 am
Arrr mateys, the city's port be closed due to a bridge falling asunder! 'Twas a hub o' trade where carriages and wagons be unloaded. Aye, 'tis a calamity fer the merchants and travelers alike!
March 26, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Evan Gershkovich be stuck in the brig 'til June 30 for spyin' in Moscow! The scallywag court be extendin' his stay, arrr! Ye best be keepin' a weather eye on yer own spyin' ways, lest ye end up like poor Evan! Aye, 'tis a rough sea we sail!
March 26, 2024, 5:11 am
Avast ye! 'Tis a sad tale indeed! The infamous owl, Flaco, hath met his doom by crashing into a building like a landlubber. 'Tis said the scurvy dog had rat poison in his belly. May he rest in pieces, aye!
March 26, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, the Mexican President Obrador be sayin' that he be findin' some quick fixes for the crisis, but the landlubbers in the United States must lend a hand to all us scallywags in Latin America to put an end to it for good. Aye, we be needin' their help!
March 26, 2024, 4:44 am
Arrr, 'tis said that Francis Scott Key be a witness to a grand British bombardment whilst sailin' the seas durin' the War of 1812. Aye, he be in the right place at the right time, me hearties!
March 26, 2024, 4:43 am
Arr matey, th' old president be spoutin' off to an Israeli news sheet, sayin' them pictures o' ruin in Gaza be hurtin' th' country's reputation. "Ye be losin' favor 'mong th' world," he says. Aye, me hearties, 'tis a sad state o' affairs indeed.
March 26, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, the vessel lay anchor in Baltimore's port fer two days 'fore hoistin' sails and embarkin' on our grand adventure. 'Twas a fine time o' merriment and carousin' whilst we waited, but now 'tis time to seek out new treasures on the high seas!
March 26, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! Mr. Kennedy be settin' sail with Ms. Shanahan as his first mate on the good ship Presidency. They be plannin' to make port in Oakland, Calif. Arrr, may the winds of politics be in their favor!
March 25, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys, the goings-on across the seas, with the imposition of sanctions, be showin' the rise of cyber skirmishes betwixt the Western scallywags and the swashbucklin' crew from China. Aye, tis a digital battle of epic proportions unfoldin'!
March 25, 2024, 5:43 pm
Ye scurvy dog be in the brig in Virginia, accused of plunderin' the honour of a fair maiden of business and then turnin' his evil ways on a young scholar. 'Tis a tale of woe and treachery fit for the darkest depths of Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
March 25, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr mateys! The U.S. Supreme Court be takin' up a case on Tuesday that could be changin' how the lasses be gettin' their hands on mifepristone, the pill used in the most common type o' abortion. Let's hope they don't make us walk the plank for wantin' control o'er our own bodies!
March 25, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, she be the swashbucklin' lass who graced the cover of Sports Illustrated for her chess mastery. Yet, instead o' admirin' her strategic skills, the scallywags be more interested in her comely visage! Aye, beauty may catch the eye, but skill wins the booty! Arrr!
March 25, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! This fancy-sounding "time-restricted eating" be more dangerous than a plank to the heart! A study says it be raisin' yer risk o' cardiovascular death! Best stick to pillagin' and plunderin' instead! Aye aye, captain!
March 25, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys, Former California prosecutor Steve Baric be talkin' about how the scallywag parents o' young Ethan Crumbley could be facin' the plank for their crimes. It be settin' a dangerous precedent for other seafarin' parents involved in shady dealings! Aye, beware ye parents of the landlubbers!
March 25, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr matey, the foul language spewed from a Trump campaign ship on Monday be a sign o' the times. The talk be gettin' rougher in this Trump era, makin' even a pirate blush with shame!
March 25, 2024, 5:18 pm
"Arrr, he be a loudmouthed scallywag, but as far as I can tell, he be playin' fair. No signs of treachery in his dealings. Ye can trust him not to stab ye in the back...at least for now."
March 25, 2024, 11:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! Israel be feelin' mighty salty after the U.S. refused to protect 'em at the U.N. Now they be swearin' off talkin' peace in Washington. Looks like the pirates at the U.N. be causin' quite the ruckus! Arrr!
March 25, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, the Republican scallywag, fearing a mutiny amongst his crew, be whisperin' to the crew that he'll be helpin' Ukraine, even though most of his mates be against it. Aye, 'tis a treacherous game he be playin'!
March 25, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr mateys, Florida's Gov. Ron DeSantis be passin' a law that be restrictin' young scallywags from the treacherous waters of social media. No social media for wee ones under 14! Ye best be keepin' yer young'uns away from them cursed screens, lest they be walkin' the plank! Aye!
March 25, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Riley Strain be meetin' Davy Jones' locker in Nashville, says the coves in blue. No treachery be afoot, just a mishap, they say. Strain be walkin' the plank on March 8 after carousin' with mates. Aye, may he rest in pieces!
March 25, 2024, 10:56 am
Avast ye mateys! This scallywag was captured in nine brigands' dens. Years later, he took up arms against those American landlubbers and scribes, makin' a mighty ruckus over freedom o' speech. Aye, 'twas a tale worth tellin' in Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
March 25, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr mateys! Five scallywags be supportin' Ms. Alsobrooks o'er that landlubber Trone, who be apologizin' fer a racial slight he claims be a slip o' the tongue. Methinks he be walkin' the plank soon! Aye, the seas be rough in Congress these days!
March 25, 2024, 5:31 am
Arrr, word has it that Laurent de Brunhoff, the swashbucklin' scribe who carried on his father's legendary tales of Babar the Elephant, has set sail for Davy Jones' locker at the ripe ol' age of 98, as confirmed by his fair maiden. Fare thee well, matey!
March 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The scallywags over at The New England Journal of Medicine be sayin' a simple blood test could spy out colorectal cancer with o'er 80% accuracy. 8,000 landlubbers were involved in this study, and the wise old seadogs be sharin' their thoughts on the matter. Arrr, what a treasure trove o' knowledge!
March 25, 2024, 4:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis said a landlubber from South Carolina did dispatch his wife and her mate in a fit o' rage, only t' meet his own demise at Baker Creek State Park. 'Tis a cautionary tale o' what happens when ye let yer temper get the best o' ye!
March 25, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywag President Biden be shoutin' for $5 trillion in new taxes from the wealthy and corporations, yet his past be showin' him as more of a tax cutter! Arrr, 'tis a twist worthy of the high seas!
March 25, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, Pvt. Albert King, a brave soul, was sent to Davy Jones' locker by a scurvy dog in Georgia in 1941. Blamed for his own demise, he be buried in a watery grave with no marker to guide his ghostly spirit. Farewell, me hearty!
March 25, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be talkin' 'bout addin' landlubbers to the Fish and Wildlife Board in Vermont! 'Tis a right scandalous notion in a land o' both fancy politics and country ways. The seas be rough and the outrage be fierce, me hearties!
March 25, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys, Mayor Karen Bass be settin' sail fer clearin' encampments and relocatin' landlubbers to motels. What be the course ahead? Only Davy Jones' locker knows! Aye, may the winds of fortune favor her voyage.
March 24, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, Trevor Bauer be back on th' mound once more, facin' big leaguers as he threw three scoreless innings 'gainst th' scurvy New York Yankees in Mexico City. Aye, he be showin' 'em how it be done like a true pirate o' th' sea!
March 24, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arr mateys, 'tis said that the scallywags on "The Price be Right" have a plan for them landlubbers who can't hold their bladder in their excitement! Aye, they be havin' a plan for when a contestant needs to visit the head mid-game! Arrr, the adventures of game show antics be never endin'!
March 24, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, mateys! Tammy Murphy be throwin' in the towel on her quest for the Senate. Her crew be cryin' foul, sayin' it be favorin' her blood ties to Governor Phil Murphy. Aye, political waters be treacherous indeed!
March 24, 2024, 4:31 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! A mighty tempest be brewin' in the Upper Midwest and Plains come Sunday night, makin' travel nigh impossible at times. Best batten down the hatches and hold onto yer hats, for we be in for a wild ride on the high seas of the Midwest! Arrr!
March 24, 2024, 4:11 pm
Arrr mateys, in t' latest talk with CNN, th' old sea dog senator from Alaska lamented, "I be sorry to say that our crew be turnin' into th' ship of that scallywag Donald Trump." Aye, th' seas be turbulent indeed!
March 24, 2024, 3:29 pm
Arrr mateys, since 1890, less than 50 scallywag mountain lion attacks on landlubbers in California have been verified, and only six of those poor souls have been sent to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, those big cats be picky eaters indeed!
March 24, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr! Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be firing shots at Speaker Mike Johnson for supportin' a bloated federal treasure chest while standin' firm on her plan to keelhaul him from his post. Aye, 'tis a political scuffle fit for Davy Jones' locker!
March 24, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr, me hearties! Roald Dahl's tales be the wind in the sails of many a blockbuster! "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," "Matilda," and "The BFG" be havin' made a splash on the silver screen, bringin' joy t' landlubbers worldwide! Aye, the magic of Dahl be alive and well!
March 24, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! Sen. Marco Rubio be soundin' the alarm about them scurvy dogs from ISIS-K tryin' to sneak through our southern border! Best be keepin' a weather eye on the horizon, mateys, lest we find ourselves walkin' the plank! Aye, shiver me timbers!
March 24, 2024, 10:16 am
Avast, me hearties! Methinks that scallywag Trump be in a pickle! Aye, he be claimin' them Democrats be after his treasure, but he best be focusin' on securin' that hefty sum o' gold by Monday or he'll be walkin' the plank fer sure! Arrr!
March 24, 2024, 10:09 am
Avast ye mateys! A scurvy dog of a Louisiana priest was caught in the act with the ex-deacon's scallywag son. Now the Catholic Church be in a proper mess with lawsuits and the highest censure upon their heads. Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
March 24, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Taft Parsons III, M.D., a wise sea dog and chief mind mender at CVS Health in Birmingham, Michigan, be warnin' us of the treacherous waters 'twixt lack o' sleep and despairin' thoughts. Keep a weather eye on yer slumber, mateys! Aharrr!
March 24, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr mateys! Listen up! This new tale by Anthony DeStefano be tellin' ye the true story of the First Easter Bunny! 'Tis a Christian symbol, not just a fluffy critter bringin' candy. Teachin' wee ones the real meanin' o' Easter, it be a must-read for all scallywags!
March 24, 2024, 4:26 am
Avast ye scallywags! Two lads from the Lone Star State, aged seven and a dozen, be detained for a bit o' mischief involving a sharp object. The poor lass be in a sorry state, but fear not, for justice be swift and merciless! Arrr!
March 24, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, four years hence, the dread shadow o' the pandemic still be hauntin' the hearts o' voters, spreadin' pessimism and distrust like a scurvy-ridden rat on a ship. 'Tis a presidential rematch, but methinks the outcome be as uncertain as findin' buried treasure on a deserted island.
March 24, 2024, 3:45 am
Avast ye scallywag! A lass from Florida be facin' charges for pilferin' her neighbor's wee one, barricadin' herself and the young 'un within her quarters, and refusin' to hand back the lad. 'Tis a treacherous tale indeed!
March 24, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr, mateys! To mend their wounded hearts after a fierce battle, the brave Covenant School families be seekin' solace in therapy, prayer, camaraderie — and a whole pack of trusty sea dogs by their side! Aye, a barking good way to heal!
March 24, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr, Kenneth Marcus be fightin' against the tides of bias against me fellow Jews. But beware, mateys, some scallywags be cryin' foul over his crackdown on pro-Palestinian talk. Aye, the seas of political correctness be treacherous indeed!
March 23, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr mateys! It be said that Kadyn Proctor be leavin' the Iowa Hawkeyes fer the sweet embrace of the University of Alabama once more. Seems the lad be changin' his mind quicker than a squall on the high seas!
March 23, 2024, 5:47 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Lady Kate Middleton be proclaimin' that she's been struck with the cursed disease known as the Big C! Aye, but fear not me hearties, for the noble daffodil be a beacon of hope in these dark seas of illness. Arrr!
March 23, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, 'tis be true, mateys! Ash Cooper, a scallywag once go by the name o' Joshua, admitted to the foul deed o' third-degree murder in the case o' young Morgan Connors. Walk the plank, matey, fer ye shall pay the price for yer treachery!
March 23, 2024, 5:46 pm
Ye scurvy dogs in the public universities beware! Even the old sea dogs with tenure could be walking the plank if they don't measure up to the new rules. Arrr, it be a tough world out there for ye landlubbers!
March 23, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys, in Central Park, 3.63 inches of rain did pour on Saturday. Philadelphia had 3.06 inches, makin' it the wettest day ever in March, as the forecasters did say. Shiver me timbers, that be a mighty fine amount of rain!
March 23, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arr mateys! The Vice President, Kamala Harris, did pay a visit to the Florida high school where scallywag took the lives of 17 souls in 2018. She be preachin' about tougher gun laws across the land. Mayhaps we should all listen and keep our cannons in check, lest we face the wrath of the law! Arrr!
March 23, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arr Matey Angelos, a scallywag lawyer of class-action, won the hearts o' fans by splurging his doubloons on free agents to strengthen the crew. Aye, he be a true treasure hunter o' the sports world!
March 23, 2024, 4:43 pm
Arrr mateys, at the place where the scallywags be shootin' in Florida, the second-in-command declared aid from the crown to curb weapon reach for those seen as dangers. Aye, let's make sure these landlubbers don't be causin' any more mayhem!
March 23, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr me hearties, Sen. Amy Klobuchar be gettin' an earful for boastin' 'bout Congress passin' a massive $1.2 trillion treasure chest late into Saturday mornin'. Methinks she be walkin' the plank for such cheeky behavior! Aye, the scallywag!
March 23, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr mateys, word be goin' around the seas that the United Nations and a band of scallywags be lookin' into whether UNRWA be in cahoots with the scurvy dogs of Hamas. Aye, they be searchin' for clues to this treacherous alliance!
March 23, 2024, 10:46 am
Avast ye mateys! Former Rep. TJ Cox of the land of Calif. be walkin' the plank with 28 charges upon him. Aye, more than that scallywag George Santos from the land of N.Y. who was sent packin' from Congress. Arrr, the seas be rough!
March 23, 2024, 9:53 am
Arr mateys, the swashbucklin' spending laws be passin' through Congress, givin' the ultraconservatives a taste o' the ol' defeat! They be turnin' on Speaker Mike Johnson faster than a pirate on a barrel o' rum! Har har har!
March 23, 2024, 7:55 am
Arrr mateys, don't be fearin' the public transportation! 'Tis no more treacherous than a fierce storm at sea. If ye find yerself in a pickle, heed the advice o' the scallywags with knowledge and make yer escape unscathed. Aye!
March 23, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys, tis been discovered that Canada be havin' the foulest air in all of North America in the year o' 2023. Critics be blamin' the scatterbrained Trudeau government for makin' the situation even more dire. Aye, the winds be blowin' foul in the land of the maple leaf!
March 23, 2024, 4:46 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A wizened old lass was found dead, stowed away in a rubbish sack within a grand abode in the Bronx. Four kin were interrogated, yet three have been set free. 'Tis a mystery as deep as the ocean! Arrr!
March 23, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, the landlubber Senate candidate from Arizona be wearin' a tricorn hat of denial and a parrot on his shoulder screechin' for Trump! He be tryin' to win over the establishment scallywags, but me thinks they be seein' through his ruse like a spyglass on the horizon. Aarrr!
March 23, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr! Me hearties braved the cold this week to get their hands on coveted tickets to Tanglewood, a cherished outdoor stage where the Boston Symphony Orchestra be playin' all summer long. Ye best be packin' a picnic and grabbin' yer peg leg for a jolly good time!
March 23, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr mateys! The Texas governor, Greg Abbott, hath spent a grand sum of $10 billion creating his own border security fleet. In the town of Eagle Pass, where it be focused, fewer scallywags be sneaking across the border this year. Aye, the governor be keepin' them at bay!
March 23, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr mateys, the Affordable Connectivity Program be a grand $14.2 billion treasure chest aimin' to make the internet more affordable. But alas, word on the high seas be that this booty be runnin' out o' gold this spring! Aye, we best prepare to set sail elsewhere for our digital needs!
March 23, 2024, 3:42 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywag who made a daring escape from Kauai's brig be now sufferin' from a hit-and-run! Arrr, seems even the lawless must beware the dangers of the open road! Aye, let this be a lesson to all ye buccaneers!
March 22, 2024, 5:50 pm
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags in three Wisconsin counties be too scared to pursue charges against the former President's crew for campaign finance shenanigans. Looks like Trump be slippin' through the legal cracks like a slippery sea serpent! Arrr!
March 22, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr mateys! West Virginia be joinin' the ranks of the landlubbers who ban smokin' in vehicles with wee ones aboard. Republican Gov. Jim Justice be givin' his seal o' approval to this new law. No puffin' the tobacco pipes around the young scallywags, me hearties!
March 22, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs of ISIS be takin' credit for the mayhem at a grand concert hall in Moscow! They be causin' chaos and despair among innocent souls. Avast, we must stand together and fight against these villains with all our might!
March 22, 2024, 5:45 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The North Carolina Supreme Court be denying the challenge to the removal of ol' Governor Vance's monument in Asheville. Aye, they be makin' sure the city can do as they please with their historical relics. Let's set sail and drink to that, me hearties!
March 22, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr mateys, tis a sight to behold! Representative Mike Gallagher be makin' a hasty retreat from Wisconsin waters, catchin' Speaker Mike Johnson off guard. Methinks the winds of change be blowin' strong, makin' predictions as useful as a sunken treasure map! Aye, the sea be full of surprises indeed!
March 22, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr! In 2013, a decree set forth a swarm of rules that be tied to the act of casting yer vote. 'Tis aye a tangled web they weave to keep us scallywags from havin' our say in the matters of the land!
March 22, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dog of a Georgia Republican be cryin' foul over the $1.2 trillion legislation, callin' it an "atrocious attack on the American people." Methinks he be feelin' a bit betrayed by the speaker, but sure he be talkin' like a landlubber with a bee in his bonnet!
March 22, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr mateys, these landlubbers be havin' a spot o' bother recruitin' them fancy AI experts! Ye'd think they'd be settin' sail for the seven seas to find such talent, but it seems they be lost in the fog o' bureaucracy instead. Avast ye!
March 22, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr! Millie Bobby Brown be sharin' that her weddin' with Jake Bongiovi will be overseen by her shipmate from 'Stranger Things', the infamous Dr. Martin Brenner. Shiver me timbers, sounds like a right jolly affair on the horizon!
March 22, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags be split in their vote, threatenin' to make Speaker Johnson walk the plank! Will the Senate scallywags let the gold pass in time to avoid a shutdown? Only time will tell on this treacherous sea of politics!
March 22, 2024, 11:48 am
Arr, ye scallywags in the fancy suits be hollerin' at each other like a pack of sea dogs! The Republicans be growlin' while the Democrats be flailin' about like a fish out o' water. 'Tis a sight to see, mateys! Aye, chaos be brewin' in the land o' Texas!
March 22, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! The upcoming solar eclipse in April be a grand chance for us scallywags to do some fancy studyin'. NASA and their merry band o' researchers be fixin' to take advantage o' this celestial show. Aye, let's plunder some knowledge from the heavens, me mateys!
March 22, 2024, 5:01 am
Arrr mateys! Who be the scallywag world leader stepping down after visitin' the Biden White House? Which fair maiden be claimin' she's too fiery in Hollywood? Test yer knowledge with our News Quiz and aim for a flawless score, ye landlubbers! Aye aye, captain!
March 22, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye mateys! The film "Cabrini" be playin' in the picture houses, tellin' the tale o' Mother Cabrini, a holy sister. Whilst some scallywags be praisin' its yarns and movin' pictures, there be a few doubloons who be raisin' their eyebrows. Aye, 'tis a mixed bag indeed!
March 22, 2024, 4:39 am
Arrr mateys! A scallywag from New York be aimin' to scrap a law from 1907 that says ye can't cheat on yer matey. If caught, ye might find yerself locked up in the brig! Shiver me timbers!
March 22, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, a land where ye round ball be forgotten by the pro buccaneers of the 1970s, and where the scallywag college teams be barely keepin' their heads above water. Yet, the roots of basketball be buried deep within this forsaken city!
March 22, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, the scallywags of the civil liberties group be defendin' themselves in a most peculiar case, arguin' over whether speakin' like a pirate be evidence of bein' biased against Black folk. Methinks they be in a right pickle, indeed! Aye, pass the grog!
March 22, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers and swashbucklers be eagerly awaitin' visitors, but some scallywags in Aroostook County be feelin' a bit uneasy about bein' in the path of totality. Aye, they be wonderin' if it be bringin' bad luck upon 'em! Arrr!
March 22, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The CDC be warnin' us of the dreaded measles! Health officials be runnin' around like headless chickens as the disease be spreadin' like wildfire. Take heed and protect yerself afore ye end up walkin' the plank! Arrr!
March 22, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Attorney General Merrick B. Garland be sailin' into troubled waters, tryin' to outrun the tick-tock of time. 'Tis a mighty fine mess he be findin' himself in, tryin' to avoid the tiniest o' slip-ups. Aye, the pirate's life ain't always smooth sailin'! Arrr!
March 21, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags be settin' sail on the digital seas with their gripes! A motley crew o' landlubbers be takin' the fight to the courts, as the powers that be be makin' it harder to pay with the precious booty to enter the federal lands. Aye, 'tis a treacherous path ahead!
March 21, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, a scallywag from the Pentagon be demandin' answers from the ruling junta after they be revokin' our military deal. The land lubbers be seekin' clarification like a lost parrot lookin' for its perch. Avast ye, 'tis a right fine mess we be in!
March 21, 2024, 5:38 pm
On Thursday, scallywags searched for the reason behind a fiery blaze in Jeannette, Pennsylvania, that sent five souls to Davy Jones' locker, four of them wee scallywags under the age of ten. Aye, the landlubbers be scratchin' their heads tryin' to unravel this mystery! Arrr!
March 21, 2024, 5:35 pm
Avast ye hearties! A scurvy dog be prowlin' the streets o' New York City, posin' as an Amazon delivery swab. 'Tis no ordinary delivery, for he be plunderin' at least nine homes since January 2023. Beware, lest ye fall victim to this landlubber! Arrr!
March 21, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr! The wench from Alabama who tried to trick us all with her fake kidnapping will escape the brig! The judge be lenient on her, but mark me words, she won't be pullin' the wool over our eyes again! Aye, she be a scallywag indeed!
March 21, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr, only seven scurvy dogs be left from the 1,100 brave souls who be playin' mind games with them Axis powers. Aye, them survivors be tough as barnacles on a ship's hull! May they be blessed with many more voyages on the high seas.
March 21, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, the scurvy dogs of the Democratic National Committee be readyin' their cannons for a grand attack on the RNC's convention plans! Aye, they be aimin' to plunder the likes of Paul Manafort from the enemy ship! Shiver me timbers, 'tis a battle for the ages!
March 21, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, the mighty landslides be a fearsome foe, claimin' hundreds of souls in one fell swoop! But alas, predictin' their treacherous ways be no easy task. The learned folks be studyin' their dangers and signs to be more ready for their wrath!
March 21, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr matey! The scallywag Michael Rapaport be runnin' his mouth on the bilge rat filled seas of social media, blastin' the Canadian government for not sellin' arms to Israel. Me thinks he be needin' to walk the plank for his foolish blatherin'.
March 21, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The scallywag Alex Soros, spawn of George Soros, be playin' host to the Arizona Senate lubber Ruben Gallego this week. 'Tis a grand gathering of Democratic swashbucklers, aye! Gather 'round me hearties, for a tale of political intrigue and booty! Arrr!
March 21, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr mateys, California be passin' new laws to deal with homelessness and mental illness, but some scallywags be cryin' foul! They say it be violatin' the civil liberties of them poor souls on the streets. But some families be cheerin' on the new measures, hopin' for a better future. Arrr!
March 21, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr mateys, thousands o' acres be ablaze from Maryland to North Carolina, with more fiery conditions on the horizon afore a good drenchin' on the weekend. Aye, the land be burnin' like a pirate's temper at sea!
March 21, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr! The two-party scroll surfaced a mere day before the gold was set to run out, and it be uncertain if the scallywags in Congress could finish it in time to prevent a partial closure after the witching hour on Friday. Aye, let the chaos ensue!
March 21, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr! 'Twas on the day of the Japanese sneak attack that Richard C. Higgins, a brave radioman, be stationed at the Hawaiian naval base. 'Twas a day that did pull the U.S. into the great World War II adventure!
March 21, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! The swashbuckling Republican leaders be sendin' a letter to the International Energy Agency, aye, they be warnin' 'em about their green policies. Sailin' the high seas ain't no place for such nonsense, so they be sayin'! Arrr!
March 21, 2024, 4:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! Be ye wonderin' if a fancy contraption can tell ye when yer ol' matey be needin' a hand? Aye, this scurvy crew from California be workin' on a magical AI, they call it Waterlily. Ahoy, the future be lookin' bright!
March 21, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scrawled parchment speaks of the long-fought battle to raise up humble dwellings in the vast lands o' America. It be reckonin' that some federal treasures should be offered to aid in this noble quest. Avast ye, let's make some affordable havens for all!
March 21, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys, them scurvy Democrats be filling their coffers with gold, while the G.O.P. be recruitin' rich landlubbers to sail the Senate seas. But beware, for a treasure trove of doubloons does not always guarantee victory in the battle for control of the ship!
March 21, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, ye scallywags from the wild spring festivals of Atlanta in the ’80s and ’90s be ponderin' how to make an appearance in a shiny new documentary! Aye, we be lookin' to tell our tales of debauchery and merriment on the big screen! Aye, pass the rum!
March 21, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the scallywags led by the former Trump adviser Stephen Miller be takin' on over 100 legal battles against them "woke" companies and such. But methinks their aim be not to win, but to stir up trouble on the high seas!
March 20, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr mateys, if the scallywags be messin' with Kentucky's constitution on education, the Gov'nor be ready to pillage and plunder any school choice measures. Mayhaps these landlubbers need a taste of the plank! Onward to the ballot box, ye swashbucklers!
March 20, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, as the sea of legal jargon be as tumultuous as a stormy sea, the court panel be divided like a ship caught in a squall o'er whether Texas' law on grabbin' migrants should be stayin' on hold. Yarrr, may the winds of justice guide them to smooth waters!
March 20, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr mateys, Oprah Winfrey be spillin' the beans 'bout her battles with the bulge. She be tellin' us she did starve herself to look trim on her show, only to plump right back up. Aye, the sea be rough, but so be the journey to a slimmer figure!
March 20, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arr matey, the Belarusian scallywags be on the hunt fer opposition scoundrels who be causin' trouble! They be raidin' left and right, lookin' fer any signs o' "extremist" activity and them sneaky "people's embassies" abroad. Avast ye, no one be safe from their grasp!
March 20, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr mateys in Maine be ponderin' whether to jump aboard the electric carriage train like other land lubbers. The regulators be settin' sail on a quest to see if the state should be joinin' in on this fancy new trend. Full steam ahead me hearties!
March 20, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, the bickering landlubbers in Washington be at a standstill, so the states be sayin' "Blast this, we be hoistin' our own sails and chartin' our own course!" Aye, let's see who be swimmin' in the same waters now! Arrr!
March 20, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys! The goodly Pastor Samuel Pasillas be helpin' the law dogs in Riverside, Calif., findin' the scallywag they be lookin' for on the night of the shootin'. Aye, he be pointin' the way to the villain's hideout! Shiver me timbers!
March 20, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arr mateys, the squabble o'er a new immigration decree be the freshest hullabaloo to wash upon the shores of the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals. Let's see if these landlubbers can navigate the choppy waters of legal debate!
March 20, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, Jared Kushner be tellin' them scallywags to be investin' in land and buildings instead o' diggin' them sneaky tunnels! Aye, 'tis a fine idea indeed, me hearties! Let's be buildin' some grand establishments by the sea, arrr!
March 20, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, Rep. Tim Burchett, a scallywag on the House Oversight Committee, be swearin' that the panel's gabfest won't be convincin' his shipmates to walk the plank for President Biden's impeachment. Aye, 'tis a tough crowd to please!
March 20, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr matey! NASA's fancy Double Asteroid Redirection Test ship be showin' that ye can indeed alter the course of a celestial object! And by thunder, the data be showin' that the test asteroid's shape be shiftin' too! Ahoy, the wonders of the cosmos!
March 20, 2024, 11:37 am
Avast ye! 'Tis been declared by a Manhattan judge that Daniel Penny be put on trial for the demise of Jordan Neely. Prepare yerselves for a long voyage, mateys, as the proceedings be set to last betwixt four and six weeks come autumn. Arrr!
March 20, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, the appeals court be ponderin' whether to meddle in the case o' Fani T. Willis, the district attorney from Fulton County. Will they make a decision or be as indecisive as a scallywag stuck in a storm? Only time will tell, me hearties!
March 20, 2024, 11:00 am
Avast ye mateys! No ruckus be stirring on the border after the Supreme Court granted Texas the power to round up and send off migrants. The officials be keepin' mum on when they'll start the plunderin' and pillagin'. Arrr!
March 20, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr! Those scallywag Republicans be holdin' onto $40 million in gold doubloons for security! They be fearin' it may end up in the hands of the swashbucklin' gangs causin' all this ruckus. Avast ye, release the booty, ye landlubbers!
March 20, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywag backed by the former President Trump has emerged victorious in the fierce battle for the Ohio Republican Senate prize. 'Tis clear that the former president's power over the GOP be stronger than a Kraken's grip!
March 20, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr mateys! Over a thousand Jewish jesters be cursing the name of Jonathan Glazer for his blabber at the Oscars. Avast ye, this be a tale of woe and scorn that even a scallywag would blush at! Aye, the rum be strong with this one!
March 20, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, ye Texas governor be stirrin' up quite the storm with his bold moves on immigration! Aye, he be chummin' the waters with the Biden administration, walkin' the plank of confrontation. 'Tis a battle fit for the high seas!
March 20, 2024, 4:05 am
Arr mateys, word be spreadin' like wildfire! Them fancy autonomous taxis be makin' their way to the second most populous city in the land. But alas, some landlubbers in Angelenos be too scared to sail the driverless seas! Arrr!
March 20, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! The booty, to be declared by Cap'n Biden at a plant in Arizona, be the grandest the government has granted under a fresh scheme to revive the nation's semiconductor craft. Aye, let's hoist the colors and set sail for new technological horizons!
March 20, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags called Democrats be harpin' on 'bout their love for abortion access, while them scurvy dogs known as Republicans be changin' course. But mark me words, when the good people of Arizona cast their ballot this fall, who knows what rules be in place! Aye, 'tis a puzzlin' predicament indeed!
March 19, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, this measure be like walkin' the plank for diversity programs and be settin' sail to restrict talkin' 'bout race and gender. 'Tis like tryin' to make the parrot walk the plank! Aye, 'tis a load of bilge!
March 19, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The venerable Michael Tilson Thomas, 79, be takin' the helm o' the New York Philharmonic this September, guidin' 'em through the treacherous seas o' Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 14 and Mahler's Fifth Symphony. Aye, prepare to be enchanted by the swashbucklin' tunes!
March 19, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags at the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit be known fer makin' decisions so conservative, even a ship full o' Republican appointees be raisin' an eyebrow! Me thinks they be needin' a bit o' pirate flair in their rulings, arrr!
March 19, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, the scallywag, State Senator Steve Halloran, be walkin' the plank fer callin' two Democrats by mistake during his speech in the grand Capitol. The landlubbers on both sides be givin' him a good tongue-lashin'! Aye, 'tis a right laugh, mateys!
March 19, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys, 'tis a tale of woe for poor Jonathan Majors! His former lass be suing him, three moons after he was found guilty o' layin' hands on her in the Big Apple. Aye, 'tis a rough sea to sail on!
March 19, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! A young landlubber in San Diego was hoisted up by a flying contraption to the healer's den after a ruckus at Lincoln Middle School. Methinks the lad be needin' some grog to calm his spirits!
March 19, 2024, 11:55 am
Arr, ye scallywag! The ex-White House trade adviser be the first mate to walk the plank fer tryin' to change the outcome o' the 2020 election. Aye, justice be served on the high seas o' politics!
March 19, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis Vince Fong and Mike Boudreaux leadin' the charge, havin' already plundered a spot on the November ballot to claim the seat for good! Aye, these scurvy Republicans be makin' waves in the political seas!
March 19, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr! Admissions counselors and scallywags shared their thoughts on alterin' testin' policies in a recent scroll from the Washington Post. They be chattin' about the befuddlin' ways of post-plague college admissions. Aye, tis a wild ride, me hearties!
March 19, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, the scallywags in charge be sayin' that takin' Yonas Fikre off the list be makin' his lawsuit worthless. Aye, they be tryin' to outsmart us with their legal jargon, but we won't be fooled that easily! Let the battle for justice continue, me hearties!
March 19, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywag Jon Bon Jovi be gettin' his pipes fixed by a surgeon in 2022. As his band be readyin' to drop a new album, he be sayin' he may not be able to sail the seas on tour. Aye, the pirate life be a rough one indeed!
March 19, 2024, 11:42 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been said that Peter Navarro, a former mate of the infamous Donald Trump, hath been thrown in the brig in Miami for four moons! 'Tis a fine jest, indeed! Let's hope he learns to obey the law like a proper landlubber! Arrr!
March 19, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr, word has it that Israel be sendin' a crew to parley in Washington 'bout takin' over Rafah! The White House be sayin' they need a better plan, mateys. Looks like there be a storm brewin' on the horizon!
March 19, 2024, 5:34 am
Arr matey! Former Cap'n Trump be testin' his powers in the GOP waters o' Ohio, in a quest t' battle the landlubber Sen. Brown in November. Will he be walkin' the plank or sailin' to victory? Only time will tell, me hearties!
March 19, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr mateys, the secretary of state be playin' a dangerous game of balance with China, tryin' to keep 'em at bay without startin' a war. 'Tis a fine line to walk, like tryin' to sail through a storm without losin' yer hat! Arrr!
March 19, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, the captain be plannin' to set sail to them swingin' states to show off his treasure chests of economic policies and give them scallywag Republicans a good ol' broadside on abortion and immigration. Let the political plunderin' begin!
March 19, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys, last year six scallywags admitted to layin' hands on two fine Black buccaneers and firin' a shot straight into one's gob during a raid on their ship. 'Twas a shameful display of cowardice! A pox on their cursed souls!
March 19, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at th' League of Conservation Voters be throwin' around more doubloons than a greedy pirate on a plunderin' spree! They be backin' President Biden and those Democrats with a hefty sum of $120 million, while th' Republican rival be countin' his pieces o' eight in despair. Aye, 'tis a sight to behold!
March 18, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye mateys! In the fair town of Paramus, a lass by the name of Helen Koons, aged 75, met her unfortunate demise at the hands of a 94-year-old scallywag in the library's parking lot. The authorities confirmed this tragic tale. Aye, beware the reckless drivers, me hearties!
March 18, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, Isabella DeLuca, a lass of 24 years, did aid in the pilferin' of a table that scallywags did wield against the law enforcers in a riotous affair, as stated in a criminal accusation. 'Tis a tale as wild as a sea storm, mateys!
March 18, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Couy Griffin be walkin' the plank fer his antics on Jan. 6! Stripped of his title and forbidden from holdin' public office ever again. Aye, a lesson learned the hard way, me hearties!
March 18, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr mateys! Ye hear tell of a subsidiary of the German firm SCHOTT Pharma settin' sail to Wilson, North Carolina to build a grand manufacturing plant worth a hefty $371 million doubloons. 'Tis a treasure trove of modern technology, 'tis! Arrr!
March 18, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags on a radio show be spewin' anti-Semitic balderdash, just like the scurvy dog they be defendin'. His blabber about bein' president be gettin' more outlandish by the day, earnin' a round of grog from all who hear. Aye, the rumors be true!
March 18, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks that scallywag Jennifer Bonjean be tellin' the court that them prosecutors be tryin' to use their fancy RICO statues to take down R. Kelly's music crew. 'Tis a battle of wits fit for the high seas, me thinks! Aye, 'tis a right good show indeed!
March 18, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr mateys, word has it that Mayor Eric Adams be in hot water for askin' fer more than a parley with a fair lass in his crew back in the '90s. Seems he be wantin' more than just a hand with her job, aye!
March 18, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, Jerry Hal Saliterman be a scallywag of the highest order! He be threatenin' to show a scandalous tape of a lass if she squealed to the F.B.I. 'bout the stolen red pumps. Shiver me timbers, what a knave!
March 18, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dog Democrat Rep. Jeff Jackson be beggin' forgiveness from his TikTok crew for supportin' the ban of their beloved app. He be walkin' the plank if ByteDance don't divest within 165 days, aye! Aaarrr!
March 18, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, the father of Laken Riley, a lass of 22 winters studying the art of nursing, hath finally opened his gab to the world on the day of Monday. 'Tis said the scallywag who stole her life be a Venezuelan scoundrel without papers. Aye, a tragic tale indeed!
March 18, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr! The landlubbers be doubting if President Biden truly be a "devout Catholic," says the scallywags at Pew Research. Let's hope he's not walkin' the plank with his prayers!
March 18, 2024, 11:25 am
Avast ye land lubbers! MSNBC historian Michael Beschloss be likenin' President Trump to the likes of Hitler, callin' out his talk of an economic "bloodbath." Methinks he be walkin' the plank with them bold accusations! Arrr!
March 18, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr, Paul Manafort, a scurvy knave who advised Trump in his 2016 campaign, bein' guilty of tax and bank fraud, got himself a pardon from Mr. President. Ye can't be makin' this up, me hearties! Ye best be watchin' yer doubloons around these landlubbers!
March 18, 2024, 9:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! The kinfolk of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be standin' firmly behind President Biden as their own blood sets sail on a treacherous course towards the White House. Aye, they be callin' his quest "dangerous" with a touch of the ol' family drama! Ahaarr!
March 18, 2024, 9:38 am
Arrr, the scurvy dogs at the National Institutes of Health be disputin' the previous research on the mysterious health woes of our diplomats and spies. Methinks there be some rum-soaked tomfoolery afoot! Shiver me timbers, who be tellin' the truth in this treacherous sea of science?
March 18, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Russian scallywag Putin be claimin' his sixth term without a fight, while makin' remarks 'bout poor Navalny. 'Tis a sad day when the only options be walkin' the plank or votin' fer a tyrant!
March 18, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, the U.S. Secretary of State Blinken be talkin' about makin' sure our gadgets be followin' the ways of democracy at the Summit for Democracy in South Korea. Aye, even our technology must be loyal to the code of the land!
March 18, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr mateys, in certain Vermont villages, the locals be gatherin' fer their annual Town Meeting, a grand tradition where they convene to parley and settle matters of the local sort. Aye, 'tis a time for jolly debate and hearty decisions!
March 18, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up as the scallywags on 'The Big Weekend Show' gab about how the young'uns be circumventing the cursed inflation by seekin' out newfangled ways to carouse with their mateys. Raise a tankard to the crafty Gen Z and Millennials!
March 18, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr! Mark Robinson be a scallywag of a Republican, known for his fiery tongue and calls to blend conservative beliefs with government. Aye, he be a governor hopeful with a rapscallion past indeed!
March 18, 2024, 4:05 am
In a parley in his quarters and in a new tome, the old buccaneer, who hung up his cutlass in 2022, chewed the fat on Dobbs, the old ways, and the waning faith in the court. Aye, 'twas a lively chat, me hearties!
March 17, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr mateys, Kevin Costner be hintin' at some jolly good times ahead as he be makin' changes to his online ship. He be walkin' the plank to fend off them scurvy dogs tryin' to be pretendin' to be him. Aye, there be adventures on the horizon!
March 17, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, ye landlubbers! A scallywag from Pennsylvania be facin' charges fer murder, burglary, assault, and other misdeeds after sendin' three souls to Davy Jones' locker and pilferin' two ships afore a battle with the law. Shiver me timbers!
March 17, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! After many a fortnight o' scallywags causin' chaos in Haiti, the first rescue vessel set sail fer Miami, aye, as confirmed by a U.S. official to Fox News. Aye, the seas be calm, but thar be quite the storm on land!
March 17, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr mateys, over ten years back, afore seekin' the presidency, Donald Trump be eyein' the same spot in Belgrade that his son-in-law be plannin' to drop $500 million dubloons on rebuildin'. Aye, tis a tale o' piratical coincidences and buried treasures!
March 17, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arr matey! The scallywag Democrat Ro Khanna be cryin' for a federal data privacy law, while a Democrat and a scurvy Republican be thinkin' 'bout banishin' the app. Avast ye, the seas be rough with all this talk of privacy and bans! Aye, me hearties!
March 17, 2024, 4:06 pm
Arrr, a jolly band of scallywags assembled a month hence the Super Bowl skirmish. Some were cautious, but most were resolved to keep the sorrow from spoiling their beloved custom.
March 17, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Los Angeles Lakers-Golden State Warriors match be plagued by wretched stoppages in the final two minutes, causin' much lamentations and grumblings from both players and fans, aye! 'Twas a right rum affair, I tell ye!
March 17, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, mateys! The former President Trump be talkin' 'bout abortion on 'MediaBuzz'! Will it be swaying the election of 2024, ye ask? Only time will tell, me hearties! Grab yer grog and stay tuned for the political shenanigans ahead! Arrr!
March 17, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywag officials be sayin' that over 2,000 landlubbers be walkin' the plank by April's end! But fear not, for our trusty volunteer crews be rushin' to their aid like a band of jolly buccaneers! Aye, the seas be rough, but together we shall weather the storm! Arrrgh!
March 17, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! This week's tale o' health be tellin' us how to make a hearty feast healthier, tales of medical mayhem, and the rumblings o' a drug debate. And let us not forget the cursed hangovers linked to the long COVID! Aye, a rough voyage indeed!
March 17, 2024, 11:25 am
"Arrr mateys, one bloke be too ancient and addled to rule the land," cried President Biden at the Gridiron Club's feast. "And the other scallywag be meself! Har har har!"
March 17, 2024, 11:24 am
Avast ye scallywags! The New Mexico State Police be havin' caught the scurvy dog Jaremy Smith, wanted for sendin' Officer Justin Hare to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, justice be served on this fine day!
March 17, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr matey, St. Patrick be tellin' us a tale of a scallywag lad turned holy man, showin' God's mercy be as vast as the seven seas! Fr. Timothy Harris, a fine pastor from Pennsylvania, be preachin' this lesson to all ye landlubbers. Aye, tis a jolly good yarn indeed!
March 17, 2024, 4:42 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Twas a bloody battle in Washington, D.C. on Sunday mornin', with five souls wounded and two sent to Davy Jones' locker, as told by the coppers. The wounded were whisked away to the healin' huts. Aye, 'twas a tale of woe!
March 17, 2024, 4:18 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags of Philadelphia be on the hunt for a rascal who be takin' down an 88-year-old sea dog in his own vessel on March 5. May the winds blow in favor of the lawmen catchin' this blackguard!
March 17, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys, the president's crew be swimmin' in doubloons while ol' Donald J. Trump be scramblin' to cover his legal loot. The D.N.C. be laughin' all the way to Davy Jones' locker with their treasure trove! Aye, 'tis a sea of cash they be sailin' on!
March 17, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr mateys! In this Trump era, many scallywags be forsaking modesty for the risqué! 'Tis like they be floutin' tradition like a scurvy dog! Aye, the times they be a changin', but beware the wrath of the righteous!
March 17, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys! The UK Antarctic Heritage Trust be on the lookout for five brave souls to man the frosty outpost of Port Lockroy in Antarctica. 'Tis a grand adventure awaitin' ye, from November 2024 to March 2025. Hoist the sails and join the crew!
March 17, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr! Those scallywags be cryin' censorship, but they be just tryin' to keep their lies afloat! The effort to filter out their election fibs be as successful as findin' buried treasure without a map! Yo ho ho!
March 16, 2024, 9:48 pm
Arrr matey, the scallywag and the young landlubber be bunkin' in a hostel fit for swashbucklers. The accusation be comin' in the midst of a mighty storm over the land's immigration laws. Aye, the treasure be under close watch indeed!
March 16, 2024, 5:40 pm
Old Cap'n Trump hosted a grand gathering on Saturday in the town of Vandalia, where he did mock the policies of President Biden and did call upon his crew to support Bernie Moreno. Arrr, 'tis a spectacle to behold!
March 16, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubber Laura Kavanaugh of the New York City Fire Department was met with a chorus of boos and jeers from the scurvy protesters during a St. Patrick's Day parade in the Big Apple! Ye can bet she won't be walkin' the plank anytime soon! Arrr!
March 16, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arr matey! The lovely Shakira be ponderin' on how her singin' career played second fiddle to her heart's desire, Gerard Piqué, for a grand total of 11 years. Aye, the sea of love be a treacherous one indeed!
March 16, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arr matey, he be a bold swashbuckler who took "Benji," a tale told from a pooch's point of view, and made it a blockbuster that made all the scallywags in Hollywood tremble in their boots. Aye, he be a true legend of the silver screen!
March 16, 2024, 4:01 pm
In yon Los Angeles domain, Mr. Parker be a familiar sight upon billboards and moving pictures, swearin' to challenge them cowardly insurance scoundrels. Aye, he be a bold one, that Mr. Parker!
March 16, 2024, 11:51 am
Avast ye mateys! A tragic tale be told of a nonbinary swashbuckler who met their fate in an Oklahoma high school brawl. The White House be in a tizzy over this sad news, condemning the scallywags responsible. Let us raise a grog to Nex Benedict, a brave soul lost at sea. Arrr!
March 16, 2024, 11:36 am
Avast ye mateys! The constables be warnin' of a scurvy dog shootin' in Falls Township, Pennsylvania. Hide yer rum and stay below deck, for a shelter in place order be upon us. May the wind be at our backs and keep us safe from harm!
March 16, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! This here soap opera scallywag Greg Vaughan be tellin' tales of his recent battle with the dreaded altitude sickness whilst frolickin' in the mighty mountains of Colorado with his wee lads. Aye, even the bravest of buccaneers ain't immune to the perils of high altitudes! Aharrr!
March 16, 2024, 11:12 am
Avast ye landlubbers of Falls Township! The scallywags in charge be advisin' ye to batten down the hatches and stay put! Best be shuttin' down them publ'c venues as well, or ye be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
March 16, 2024, 8:49 am
Yarrr, she be takin' her chances with the law and beyond, all to fight for mixin' and votin' rights since she be nothin' but a lass. Aye, a brave lass indeed!
March 16, 2024, 8:19 am
Arrr, the rumblings of war in Ukraine, the clash of scallywags in Israel, and the cursed inflation be plaguing the lands! The former captain be claimin' none of this would be happenin' if he were still at the helm. What a load of bilge! Aye, 'tis a good thing he be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
March 16, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, the wise beards be chattin' 'bout these landlubbers bringin' back the dreaded SAT and ACT tests for young scallywags lookin' to join their crew at university. Methinks they be tryin' to separate the true buccaneers from the scurvy dogs! Aharrr!
March 16, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! Gather 'round and listen to the latest tales from the Fox News Lifestyle crew. From a groom's viral antics to a shelter dog welcoming a litter of pups, and even a "dad and daughter" hair workshop - there be tales aplenty to tickle yer fancy! Arrr!
March 16, 2024, 4:34 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at the University of Maryland be lettin' the Greeks back into the fold! Time to hoist the Jolly Roger and set sail for some rowdy shenanigans on campus once more. Let the revelry begin, me hearties!
March 16, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags James and Jennifer Crumbley be facin' the law for their misdeeds in the wake of a dreadful school shooting in Michigan. Will they walk the plank or be granted mercy by the courts? 'Tis a tale that be shakin' the very foundations of parentin' as we know it!
March 16, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! The old president be in a pickle of a situation, with his pockets runnin' dry and the Democrats pillagin' his treasure. Aye, 'tis a rough sea for him and his scallywag crew of Republicans!
March 16, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr matey! The old sea dog of a professor be teachin' more lasses in this California port to steer a ship than in all of Afghanistan! They ain't lookin' for power, just tryin' to fetch some grub. Avast ye, the seas be full of surprises!
March 16, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr matey, the ex-prez be joinin' Bernie Moreno on Saturday, mayhaps lendin' a hand in his final hour. 'Tis a sign from the high seas that Moreno be needin' some pirate luck to steer his ship to victory. Arrr!
March 16, 2024, 3:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! The former cap'n Trump be sailin' to Ohio this Saturday to back the Senate scallywag he's picked in the fierce battle for the GOP crown. Arrr, may the winds of politics blow in his favor, me hearties!
March 15, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrrr, me hearties! Methinks the Vice President, Kamala Harris, be walkin' the plank with a 52% disapproval rate among the landlubbers. Aye, even her best efforts be sinkin' faster than a chest of gold in Davy Jones' locker! Aharrr!
March 15, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr mateys! The high and mighty Supreme Court be sayin' that them scallywag drug dealers can't be gettin' a shorter stay in the brig thanks to the First Step Act. Looks like they be walkin' the plank for a bit longer, me hearties!
March 15, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr mateys, the U.S. Secretary of State be shoutin' for ye scallywags to band together against the scurvy dogs pushin' synthetic drugs! The seas be overrun with drug use and overdoses, we best be workin' together to keep our crew safe! Aye aye, Captain Blinken!
March 15, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr mateys, a tale be told of the scandal betwixt Fani Willis and Nathan Wade, brought to light by cunning defense lawyers who be usin' it to skewer the prosecutors like fish on a hook! Aye, a juicy yarn indeed!
March 15, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scuttlebutt be that the scallywag Nsrallah met with the Quds commander to keep Iran from gettin' dragged into a tussle with the landlubbers of Israel and the States. Aye, tis a fine mess we find ourselves in, aye!
March 15, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! In two grand decrees, the justices did endeavor to separate betwixt private affairs, which be not under the protection of the First Amendment, and actions of the state, which be subject to it. Yarrr!
March 15, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr, the Group o' 7 be warnin' that scallywag Tehran to keep their hands off Ukraine, else they'll be facin' the wrath o' Europe and a ban on Iran Air flights! Aye, they be talkin' o' some serious measures to make 'em walk the plank!
March 15, 2024, 5:41 am
Arrr mateys, a mighty tempest be tearin' through a landlubber village in the east o' Indiana. Tornadoes be swirlin' in Ohio and Kentucky too! 'Tis a wild ride on the high seas o' the Midwest! Aye, we be needin' a bigger ship!
March 15, 2024, 5:39 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The tempest swept through the Midwest, claimin' six souls in Ohio. 'Twas a sight to behold, with damage and injuries aplenty in Indiana. Methinks Mother Nature be playin' a cruel joke on us poor sailors! Aye, beware the wrath of the storm!
March 15, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr mateys, hear ye hear ye! The land lubbers in charge be makin' the scallywags walk the plank of facial recognition technology if they be wantin' to board the flying machines. Avast ye, be prepared to show yer mug to the electronic spyglass or ye'll be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
March 15, 2024, 5:33 am
Arr mateys! No Labels be settin' sail towards creatin' a grand crew for the presidency come November! They be scrutinin' candidates like a scallywag searchin' for treasure. May the best matey be chosen to lead the ship!
March 15, 2024, 5:12 am
Avast ye scallywags! This landlubber be suggestin' we shorten our toilin' days o'er four long years. The 40-hour workweek be as old as Blackbeard himself, enshrined in law in 1940. Arrr, what next? Shorter rum breaks? Nay, I say!
March 15, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye mateys! Did ye hear tell of John Cena parading around the Oscars in his birthday suit? And Kim Jong Un posing for photos like a dandy? Test yer wits with this week's News Quiz from Fox News Digital. Can ye score a perfect tally? Argh!
March 15, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr matey, thee president's matey be tellin' Speaker Mike Johnson 'tis time to sail on, as even his own shipmates be havin' doubts 'bout the impeachment quest. Methinks 'tis time to weigh anchor and set sail fer smoother waters, arr!
March 15, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags be tellin' me that the sun be cookin' them crawfish afore we could plunder 'em! The governor be shoutin' "Disaster!" as we be scurvy dogs left with naught but empty bellies. Aye, tis a dire situation indeed!
March 13, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr mateys, the scrolls of five hours of parley with the special counsel have been unfurled this week, unveiling a captain with a mighty load on his noggin and a treasure chest of tales to spin. Aye, this be no ordinary scallywag we be dealin' with!
March 13, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arr mateys! The ship be in chaos as Trump's crew be pillaging and plundering the party's operations. 'Tis a wild storm brewin' as the scallywags be takin' charge. But fear not, for we pirates be ready to sail into battle and reclaim our treasure! Aye, we be ready to keelhaul those landlubbers!
March 13, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr mateys! The U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken be sayin' that the land be so full of scallywags and rascals that they be chargin' at the aid-laden trucks like it be a treasure chest! Lawlessness be runnin' rampant, ye hear? Aye, 'tis a sorry state of affairs indeed!
March 13, 2024, 5:46 pm
Avast ye mateys! Hear ye the tale of Paul Alexander, who at 78 winters met his fate. At the tender age of 6, the scoundrel was struck down with polio and relied on a contraption for breath. Yet, he plundered a law degree, scribbled a tome, and garnered a following on TikTok in his twilight years. A true legend on the high seas!
March 13, 2024, 5:42 pm
Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis been decreed by the land lubbers in South Africa that any scallywags who lend a hand to Israel in Gaza shall be clapped in irons upon setting foot on their native soil. 'Tis a mighty strange law, if ye ask me! Arrr!
March 13, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr mateys, 'tis a grand tradition for a couple to lay eyes on each other afore the knot be tied. Aye, a first look be like findin' buried treasure in yer own backyard afore the big day! Aye, may the winds of love blow in yer favor, me hearties!
March 13, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arr matey, a scallywag of a medical examiner hath discovered a vile concoction of drugs in the 16-year-old landlubber in Oklahoma. The poor soul met Davy Jones' locker after a skirmish in the lasses' privy. Yar, what a tale of woe!
March 13, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, the decree be statin' that the scallywag Trump and his crew ain't bein' specific enough in their treacherous dealings with the law. Keepin' the rest o' the case intact, they be walkin' the plank soon enough, mark me words!
March 13, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the House be passin' a bill to make them Chinese scoundrels give up Tiktok or face a ban! Aye, 352 of 'em be sayin' aye, while 65 be walkin' the plank! By Blackbeard's beard, what a jolly good time!
March 13, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Republican Jim Jordan didst stand firm against th' scallywag CNN host claimin' that Biden and Trump be sufferin' from similar memory woes. 'Tis like comparin' a doubloon to a rusty ol' horseshoe crab! Aye, me mateys, 'tis a jolly good laugh, I tell ye!
March 13, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks President Biden be sailin' in troubled waters with his re-election campaign goin' astray from the White House's course. 'Tis like tryin' to navigate through a storm with a leaky ship and a mutinous crew! Aye, good luck to him, says I!
March 13, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Education Department be aimin' to make the process o' gettin' gold easier, but 'tis only made it more treacherous! 'Tis like tryin' to navigate through a storm wit' a leaky ship. Mayhaps they be needin' a new compass!
March 13, 2024, 10:39 am
Arr matey, the captain be strugglin' with low spirits in key territories. But in Wisconsin, where he be dockin' on Wednesday, fierce battles o'er abortion and democracy be keepin' the crew of Democrats lively and ready for action!
March 13, 2024, 10:24 am
Afore the sun set on the morrow, I set sail to the very spot where Cap'n Trump was set to parley. 'Twas a sight to behold, with the scallywag Biden close behind. Aye, 'twas a showdown fit for the high seas! Arrr!
March 13, 2024, 5:55 am
Arr mateys, there be talk of fancy new contraptions that can aid the scallywag doctors in speakin' to their patients, scribblin' notes during exams, and even guessin' the ailment! But beware, these tools be as flawed as a leaky ship in a stormy sea! Aye, 'tis true!
March 13, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr mateys, a 59-year-old lass be missin' after bein' taken by a fierce river current while adventurin' on the Heaton Flats Trail in the San Gabriel Mountains. She be gone with the wind like a ghost ship in the night! Aye, me hearties!
March 13, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs from the U.S. Army be sailin' from Virginia to Gaza, lookin' to help them poor landlubbers in need. Mayhaps they can share some booty with the Palestinians as Israel battles them pesky Hamas varmints. Yo ho ho!
March 13, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr me hearties! The scurvy dogs in the New Mexico House and Senate be walkin' the plank! They claim the dreaded redistricting be makin' them jump ship. But fear not, we'll find new crew members to fill their boots! Aye aye!
March 13, 2024, 4:45 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The former captain and the current captain be victorious once more in the battles on Tuesday, gatherin' the booty they need for a rematch long awaited. We be settin' sail for more political shenanigans ahead! Arrr!
March 13, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys! The dreaded Covid plague struck fear into the hearts of all on March the 13th, 2020. Though the danger be less now, the cursed pandemic still be hauntin' us like a ghostly ship in the night! Aye, beware the lingering effects, me hearties!
March 12, 2024, 10:34 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a dark day indeed when our noble legislators in Nebraska be failin' to support thar bill for clean needles to be providin' to them poor souls who be indulgin' in the devil's lettuce. Mayhaps they be needin' a taste o' the plank! Arrr!
March 12, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, a scurvy Reddit scallywag be so tired of his mother's unwanted breakfasts that he be shiverin' her timbers right outta his ship! Fox News Digital be consultin' a wise swashbuckler on this salty situation. Arrr, the seas be choppy with family drama indeed!
March 12, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arr matey, 'tis reported that Hilary Duff's mate Matthew Koma did undergo the cutlass for a vasectomy, as they be expecting their third wee one. Aye, a brave decision indeed, may his ship sail smoothly through the stormy seas ahead!
March 12, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr mateys! For ages, scallywags be tryin' to choose their own judges in big cases 'bout babynappin' and land-lootin'. But now, a new law be makin' it as tricky as findin' buried treasure in a storm! Beware, ye sneaky buccaneers!
March 12, 2024, 5:36 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dogs in Israel be needin' a good keelhaulin'! The rogue from Iran be callin' for 'em to be marooned from the UN Commission on Women! Arrr, may they walk the plank for their offenses in Gaza!
March 12, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, at a court session, the landlubbers grilled Robert K. Hur for his excuses on why he didn't maroon the captain. The scallywags scolded him for making grand claims about Mr. Biden's memory. Methinks this be a right ol' rumble on the high seas!
March 12, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Mr. Kennedy hath been chattin' with the Jets quarterback fer a whole month, nonstop! 'Tis a wonder they haven't run out o' things to say by now. Methinks they be plottin' some mischief together, savvy?
March 12, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, the wench in the fancy hat be claimin' she be all aflutter by the 'disgustin' queries, reckonin' Stephanopoulos be a clueless landlubber who ain't never felt the sting of a pirate's shame. Methinks she doth protest too much, mateys!
March 12, 2024, 11:36 am
Avast ye! The CDC be sendin' their medical scallywags to aid the landlubbers in Chicago, Illinois, against the scurvy measles outbreak at the Pilsen migrant shelter. Prepare to be boarded by the healin' crew!
March 12, 2024, 11:28 am
Arr mateys, the scallywags of the House Republicans be spreadin' word of President Biden's "woke programs" in his grand budget plan for the year 2025. Aye, they be raisin' a ruckus over these fancy ideas! Grab yer spyglass and see what all the fuss be about!
March 12, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye landlubbers, a jury of scallywags, two of the Republican breed and one Democrat swashbuckler, hath decreed that the law passed to alter the election boards be unlawful. Aye, 'tis a fine mess we find ourselves in, arrr!
March 12, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr matey, he be convincin' ol' Ronald Reagan to lend a hand in battlin' a ban on L.G.B.T.Q. schoolteachers in '78, and arguin' with his mate Bill Clinton about "don't ask, don't tell." Sounds like a right ol' jolly time on the high seas of politics!
March 12, 2024, 10:28 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be steerin' the ship towards one treasure trove while former President Trump be aimin' for another. 'Tis like comparin' rum and grog, me mateys! Ye best be choosin' wisely which course to set sail on! Aye, 'tis a pirate's life for me!
March 12, 2024, 10:03 am
Arrr, me hearties be tellin' tales of San Jose and San Francisco havin' the grandest E.V. adoption rate amongst the major cities in the land last year! Shiver me timbers, them cities be leadin' the charge for clean energy on the high seas!
March 12, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! Linda Kosuda-Bigazzi, a scallywag of 76 winters from Connecticut, hath admitted to the crime of sending her matey, Dr. Pierluigi Bigazzi, to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, the officials have spoken, and justice be served on the high seas!
March 12, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr, in the swelterin' summer of 2022, three scallywags met their fate in New Mexico. Muhammad Syed, an Afghan refugee, was clapped in irons and accused of sendin' them to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, a dark tale indeed!
March 12, 2024, 5:30 am
Avast ye scallywags! The jester Bill Maher did jest at poor Katie Porter's expense, confessing they be not fond of each other. 'Twas a merry jest indeed, fit for the entertainment of landlubbers and sea dogs alike!
March 12, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the scallywags from the Republican crew be ready to fire their questions at him for not accusing the captain. And those sneaky Democrats be ready to pummel him for doubting Mr. Biden's noggin. Tis sure to be a jolly good show on the high seas of politics!
March 12, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys, President Andrzej Duda be plannin' to parlay with the White House scallywags on Tuesday to suggest that NATO scallywags dig deeper into their pockets and increase their military coin by at least half. Avast ye, the treasure be callin'!
March 12, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys, Obama aimed his cannon at Syria, Bush fired at North Korea and Iran, now Biden be takin' aim at Israel. The real challenge be knowin' what to do when they be crossin' ye path. Avast ye, it be a rough sea ahead! Arrr!
March 12, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! A band of merry privateers be sayin' that the government be breakin' the rules by withholdin' booty from any land lubber that be blockin' supplies. Aye, the administration be walkin' the plank on this one! Arrr!
March 11, 2024, 5:54 pm
Avast ye! ICE be claimin' they caught a bunch o' scallywags tied to wicked deeds, with one landlubber bein' snatched a dozen times in just eight years! Arrr, that be some poor luck indeed! Stand ready to walk the plank, ye scurvy dogs!
March 11, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr mateys, tis said a scallywag teen be wreakin' havoc upon his kinfolk and their belongings. 'Tis clear the lad be battlin' his own demons within, causin' such mayhem. Send for the constables to handle this troubled soul!
March 11, 2024, 5:50 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The time of March Madness be upon us, and a new study hath revealed the finest havens fer college basketball fans in the land. Set yer sights on the top ports o' call, mateys! Onward to victory!
March 11, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, the scallywags in Burien be thinkin' they can ban the homeless from settlin' in their fair city! But fear not me hearties, for the King County Sheriff be tellin' his deputies to turn a blind eye to such foolishness. Let the pirates roam free!
March 11, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Trump has gone and done a flip-flop on banning TikTok! He be changeable as the wind, aye, but we'll be keepin' an eye on that landlubber for more shenanigans ahead!
March 11, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The law be stayin' put, but the settlement doth declare that talkin' 'bout L.G.B.T.Q. folk be fair game in the classroom! So fear not, ye swabs, the tales of them queer sea dogs be safe to share among yer crew! Aye!
March 11, 2024, 5:01 pm
The ex-president didst mock his foe whilst at a gathering o'er the weekend. For those who stutter, his jape doth strike that well-known feeling of shame and disgrace. Arrr, 'tis a sight to behold, me hearties!
March 11, 2024, 5:01 pm
Arrr mateys, the president be talkin' in New Hampshire 'bout keepin' insulin prices in check, makin' tax credits permanent under the Affordable Care Act, and limitin' the plunderin' of gold for prescription drugs. Aye, a fine show indeed!
March 11, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties be talkin' 'bout settlin' scores with a wrongful death lawsuit fer David Harrington, Clayton McGeeney, an' Ricky Johnson. And that scallywag Jordan Willis be thinkin' 'bout suin' fer defamation. Blimey, what a ruckus!
March 11, 2024, 11:52 am
Ye landlubbers who've survived the treacherous waters of childhood abuse by nuns have banded together to form an online crew with the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests. They aim to shine a lantern on this dark and stormy issue. Arrr!
March 11, 2024, 11:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! Sen. Bob Menendez and his crew be pleadin' not guilty in a Manhattan court for accusations of obstructin' justice and bribery. Mayhaps they be walkin' the plank if they be found guilty! Arrr!
March 11, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, the Golden State be sufferin' from a plague of landlubbers without work! The scallywags be clingin' to their pieces of eight like barnacles on a ship's hull. 'Tis a sorry sight indeed, me hearties!
March 11, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties be givin' a good ol' boo and chantin' "Trump!" at 'tis lass Letitia James durin' a promotion ceremony last week. 'Twas a scandalous wave o' controversy that swept the land, me thinks. Aye, 'twas quite the spectacle, says I!
March 11, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be settin' his sights on the battlegrounds, but beware! One state be havin' a scurvy dog o' a Republican on the ballot. 'Tis sure to be a rumble on the high seas of politics!
March 11, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr mateys, Donald Trump be warnin' that if we be banishin' TikTok, the young landlubbers be runnin' amok! He be thinkin' it be helpin' that scurvy Facebook, the scallywag he be dubbin' as an "enemy of the people." Aye, the seas be a strange place indeed!
March 11, 2024, 5:39 am
Three scallywags met their fate and many a mate received a wound at a jolly gathering in Jonesboro, Arkansas, as reported by the constables. The villain responsible met his own demise as well. Aye, a tragic tale indeed on the high seas of landlubber life.
March 11, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr mateys! 'Twas a fierce battle on the high seas when the LATAM Airlines vessel bound for New Zealand was rocked by a mighty wave, leavin' 50 souls injured. 'Tis a rough journey, but fear not, for the brave sailors shall prevail!
March 11, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, emergency crews did rush to rescue a poor Shetland pony trapped in a cattle grid in Wales. It took four hours of swashbuckling work, but the wee beastie was finally freed. Many a landlubber shared their musings on the matter on social media.
March 11, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the cap'n's plan for fiscal 2025 be lookin' to snatch a hefty sum o' gold from the pockets o' the rich and powerful. Aye, he be aimin' to fill the treasure chest with $3 trillion by makin' them scallywags pay up! Aye, a bold move indeed!
March 11, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr me mateys! The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals be sailin' its own course, treatin' Supreme Court rulings as mere suggestions instead of the orders of the mighty tribunal above. Ye best beware, for these scallywags be chartin' their own path on the legal seas!
March 11, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr mateys, Judge Scott McAfee be ponderin' whether to banish Fani Willis from the court for fancyin' a mate below her rank. Aye, 'tis a scandalous affair indeed, fit for the high seas! Let the legal battles begin, may the best swashbuckler win!
March 10, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that Proposition 1 be hangin' in the balance like a scallywag walkin' the plank. The fate of this measure be in our hands, so choose wisely, lest ye be forced to walk the plank yerself!
March 9, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, that scallywag of a senator be spinning yarns about sex trafficking to bash the Biden crew's border plans. But, blast me barnacles! Those shenanigans happened in Mexico moons ago. Aye, let's keep our tales straight, me hearties!
March 9, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr mateys be warned, the scallywags be joinin' forces to plunder the land. The captain, stranded in Puerto Rico, be in dire need of grub, grog, and healin'. The seas be rough, and the crew be in a right pickle. Aye, the plunder be scarce!
March 9, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr, President Joe Biden be speakin' at his rally in Atlanta when a scurvy dog of a pro-Palestinian protester be shoutin' "genocide Joe" at him. Methinks the lad be walkin' the plank if he don't watch his tongue! Aye, the seas be rough for ol' Biden, mateys!
March 9, 2024, 4:35 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags be warned! The skies above New York City be set to unleash a mighty downpour, with reports sayin' we could be seein' up to two inches of rain by Sunday mornin'. Keep yer eye out, especially me hearties in northeastern New Jersey! Aye aye, matey!
March 9, 2024, 3:57 pm
Arrr mateys, aye, the land lubbers in Ireland be tryin' to change the rules on family and women's roles, but they were met with a mighty defeat in a duel referendum on a fine Saturday. Back to the drawing board, ye scallywags!
March 9, 2024, 3:56 pm
Arrr, Qatar be playin' the friend to all, tryin' to stay neutral but endin' up makin' enemies o' its allies. Aye, 'tis a tricky dance they be doin', walkin' the plank between loyalty and survival.
March 9, 2024, 3:33 pm
Arrr mateys! Jane Seymour, 73 winters young, be givin' a good scoldin' to them scalawags who think women be havin' a "sell-by date." She be settin' the record straight on ageism in the treacherous waters of Hollywood. Aye, me hearties, she be speakin' truth!
March 9, 2024, 11:26 am
Arr, South Carolina Salkehatchie be a rum place indeed! No gold for players, nor even a drop o' water in the locker room. But fear not, for Matt Lynch be sailin' with pride as the first openly gay skipper. Victory be his aim, both on the court and on the high seas!
March 9, 2024, 10:36 am
Arr matey! The scallywag Brennan be sayin' that Trump won't be gettin' any secret scrolls once he's chosen again because of his run-ins with the law. Ye best be keepin' yer hands off the treasure, Trump, or ye'll be walkin' the plank!
March 9, 2024, 10:31 am
Avast ye scallywags! Methinks Meghan be tellin' tales of the heaviest online abuse durin' her pregnancies at this SXSW event. Arrr, me hearties, beware the trolls and give her the respect she deserves! Aye, let's be treatin' all lasses with kindness and care.
March 9, 2024, 4:10 am
Arr matey! The scallywag professor be holed up in his quarters at Berkeley, all in a huff about the higher-ups' lack of gumption when it comes to fighting the scourge of antisemitism. He be a true buccaneer of academia, arr!
March 9, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye landlubbers! This fortnight in Miami Beach, prepare to have yer bags rummaged and yer parking spots plundered by the scallywags in charge. Be ye ready for a jolly good time or risk walking the plank, arrr!
March 9, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye mateys! Americans be fickle creatures, seekin' new treasures in a leader. But when a current scallywag battles a former sea dog, who can claim the title of changin' the tide of the nation? Arrr, 'tis a conundrum indeed!
March 9, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast ye! Take heed and listen up to the tales of the Fox News Lifestyle! There be a viral video of Texas zookeepers facing a mighty gorilla, a peculiar gas station wedding, and other curious yarns to tickle yer fancy. Arrr!
March 9, 2024, 3:43 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! Two lasses from Ohio be accused o' haulin' a lifeless mate to the bank to plunder his booty afore dumpin' him at the healer's den. 'Tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker, aye!
March 9, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr matey! Trudy Handleman, a wench at Quartet Senior Living Village in Bettendorf, Iowa, gathered 402 pieces o' grub for her 102nd birthin' day! She chatted with Fox News Digital about what spurred her on to be a generous soul.
March 8, 2024, 11:45 pm
Arrr mateys! A flying contraption, rumoured to be a mighty bird of metal, was seen sailing over the southern lands of Texas. Laden with soldiers and a brave Border Patrol agent, so the officials do tell. Aye, beware all ye scallywags!
March 8, 2024, 11:12 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The White House be claimin' the crew be stoppin' preparations for a shutdown and Cap'n Biden be signin' the bill on Saturday. But beware, the battle for spendin' be not yet settled! Aye, there be more trouble ahead. Aaarrrggghhh!
March 8, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the cap'n used his speakin' to show he be mean on the borders without makin' the poor immigrants out to be demons. Aye, he be walkin' a fine line like a sailor on a tightrope!
March 8, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, the scallywags of the G.O.P. be braggin' about slashin' the coffers of the dreaded F.B.I. by 6 percent! They be takin' the booty from retired Senator Shelby's treasure chest for their own gain. 'Tis a mutiny on the high seas!
March 8, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys! It be said that even a touch of cannon fire can wreak havoc on a veteran's mind! 'Tis a sea of troubles indeed! Treat them with care, or ye may find yerself walkin' the plank in the court o' law! Aye, be warned!
March 8, 2024, 5:44 pm
Avast ye! A scallywag from Ohio was clapped in irons after a tussle with the law at the U.S. Capitol in Washington D.C. Why, the scoundrel had a hammer on him! Shiver me timbers, what was he planning? The gallows await!
March 8, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr mateys, mark me words! There be only one more chance for Biden to address such a vast crowd before Election Day be upon us. Avast ye, and listen well to his words!
March 8, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags be tryin' to sink the ship of humanitarian aid, but the judge be sayin' nay! The program be sailin' on to help those in need in Cuba, Haiti, Nicaragua, and Venezuela. Aye, the Republican challenge be walkin' the plank!
March 8, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags at the House Judiciary Committee be cryin' foul! They be sayin' the Justice Department be keepin' secrets from 'em. Where be them transcripts and recordings, ye scurvy dogs? Walk the plank if ye don't comply! Arrr!
March 8, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the Republican crew be standin' by the Gold Star father who dared to heckle the big wig Biden during his fancy speech. Ye can't arrest a pirate for speakin' his mind, arrr! Let's raise a flagon to freedom of speech on the high seas!
March 8, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, mateys! News be spreadin' that a bill be makin' its way to the hands of Gov. Mark Gordon in Wyoming. Will he grant us the right to carry our trusty firearms in schools and meetings, or will he make us walk the plank? Only time will tell, ye scallywags!
March 8, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the U.S. government be puttin' an end to the mailin' o' free COVID-19 tests! March 8 be the final day for a swashbucklin' household to request such booty. Avast, me hearties, 'tis a sad day indeed!
March 8, 2024, 11:21 am
Avast ye scallywags! Tell us how yer life be different or the same, me hearties. We be waitin' to hear from ye, so speak up or walk the plank! Yarr!
March 8, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr mateys, with the addin' of Lara Trump and Michael Whatley, Cap'n Donald Trump be tightenin' his grip on the party apparatus like a barnacle on a ship's hull! Shiver me timbers, 'tis a sight to behold!
March 8, 2024, 11:08 am
Arr matey, 'tis a tale of the lads who forged the mighty atomic bomb in the film "Oppenheimer," now meetin' the latest guidelines. 'Tis a swashbucklin' adventure of science and explosions fit for any scurvy dog lookin' for a good time at the cinema. Arrr!
March 8, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The latest scuttlebutt be sayin' that the landlubbers still reckon the crown be keepin' secrets from 'em. Methinks the truth be harder to find than buried treasure! Aye, we be in for a wild ride, mateys!
March 8, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr! President Biden be swearin' to fetch Wall Street Journal scallywag Evan Gershkovich an' Paul Whelan back from the land o' Russia during his grand State of the Union speech. Mayhaps he be usin' a mighty ship an' some grog to convince them scallywags to come home! Aye!
March 8, 2024, 4:30 am
Arr mateys, last week the mighty winds did blow Lake Manly two leagues from its rightful spot in the national park! 'Twas a grand adventure for the landlubbers to find their precious water gone astray! Arrr!
March 8, 2024, 4:25 am
Arrr, the Alabama swashbuckler, aged 42, be rumored to join forces with Trump as his first mate. His speech be like a squawking parrot, switchin' between forced merriment and a steely gaze. Aye, he be a right scallywag, that one!
March 8, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The captain used his State of the Union address to propose plunderin' more doubloons from the wealthy, while cuttin' expenses and keepin' a weather eye on protectin' the common folk. Aye, a fine bit o' political piratin' indeed!
March 8, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, the new exam be quicker than a cannon blast! No more long-winded passages to navigate, just a quick swashbucklin' through the questions. Avast ye, this be the best news for any savvy pirate lookin' to sail through their exams with ease!
March 7, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr! The investigator scoured the city of Uvalde and found that the bumbling officers be not guilty of breakin' any rules, though they did be failin' in stoppin' the scallywag school shooter. 'Twas all done in good faith, says I! Aye, me hearties!
March 7, 2024, 5:56 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The tale told of Fani Willis be proven false at the Senate hearing, but methinks trouble be brewin' for the lass regardless. If the scurvy dogs try to disqualify her, they be in for a rough sail! Arrr!
March 7, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arr matey, word be spreadin' that four more scallywags in Indiana be allowed to tote pistols at the Capitol! Aye, 'tis a fine day for democracy when ye can defend yerself with a trusty weapon by yer side. Fair winds and smooth sailin' to ye, me hearties!
March 7, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, the scallywag Chris Hayes be takin' a jab at ol' Biden's crew for not havin' a proper plan for their next voyage! Where be their treasure map, I say? 'Tis a fine jest before the State of the Union address, me hearties!
March 7, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, a scallywag from the ABM Ministries Lighthouse Christian Academy in Piedmont, Missouri, was accused of givin' a young landlubber a good wallop on the face. The owners of the school were caught and clapped in irons for snatchin' the wee ones. Oh, the shame of it all!
March 7, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr mateys, the German law enforcers be scourin' the land on Thursday, huntin' down them scallywags who be spewin' hate speech against the fairer sex on the interwebs. Aye, they be bringin' justice to them bilge rats!
March 7, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr mateys, the Indian Prime Minister Modi ventured to yonder city of Srinagar in Kashmir, a land plundered of its semi-autonomy in 2019. 'Twas his first visit since the takeover, a bold move indeed. Aye, mayhaps he be searchin' for buried treasure!
March 7, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr mateys! Be ye wondering if ye be cursed with the dreaded scurvy of cancer? Fear not, for the wise folks at Fox News Digital have consulted with an expert on the matter of genetic cancer testing. Consult ye family history and set sail on the path to knowledge!
March 7, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! A fanciful laboratory hath discovered a pattern of cell damage akin to that found in battle-hardened veterans who hath faced the fury of weapons blasts. 'Tis likely what caused the scallywag's symptoms before he let loose his cannons! Aye, beware the cursed cell damage! Arrr!
March 7, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr matey, not long after the governor signed a law protectin' the clinics and doctors performin' their fancy I.V.F. tricks, one brave clinic wasted no time gettin' back to business and startin' them embryo transfers once again. Aye, the sea of fertility be a treacherous one indeed!
March 7, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr matey! The landlubber lawyer be claimin' that Mr. Crumbley had no clue his scallywag son had a pistol for the mischief at Michigan's school! A likely story indeed, but I be smellin' a rat in this here tale of woe!
March 7, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! Receive all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news sent straight to yer inbox at dawn. Don't be a landlubber, sign up now and stay ahead of the scurvy dogs!
March 7, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, the old sea voyager, 46 years o'er, once visited Jupiter and Saturn with great fanfare, now be loafin' in interstellar waters, not sendin' a whisper of news back to us landlubbers for months. Aye, what a lazy scallywag it be!
March 7, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, the gatherin' will be graced by the Prime Minister of Sweden and fair lasses who were denied their hearts' desires of abortion and in vitro fertilization. 'Tis sure to be a lively affair, with tales of political intrigue and woes of fertility. Aye, a fine time indeed!
March 7, 2024, 4:05 am
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in the Democratic ranks be clamorin' for the Cap'n to raise his voice like a thunderin' cannon in support of his own policies, includin' a truce. Arrr, they be demandin' more growlin' and less meowin' from the Blackbeard in chief! Aye, aye!
March 7, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, what grand plans will he unveil? How boldly will he skewer that scallywag Trump? Will he dare utter the cursed word abortion? Only time will tell, me hearties!
March 6, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, at a gathering of the Senate, the wench in charge of the National Transportation Safety Board did gripe that the scallywags who make the flying machines were not playing nice with their inquiry. Methinks they be hiding something fishy!
March 6, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, the Republican attorney general be givin' those scallywag politicians and judges a taste o' defeat! But them Democrats be showin' they ain't ones to be messin' with, they be knowin' how to give them incumbents a good wallop too! Aye, 'tis a fierce battle on the political seas!
March 6, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys, thar be a recall campaign afoot to run Councilmember Brianne Nadeau out of town! The scallywag be accused of dallyin' in respondin' to the crime crisis, even though she be votin' for the crime bill! Avast ye, the plot thickens!
March 6, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arr mateys! Avast ye! A noble establishment in British Columbia doth be warnin' ye scallywags to keep a weather eye open for maraudin' herds o' wild swine that may 'ave slipped away durin' the blazes last year. Beware the bacon bandits, me hearties! Arrr!
March 6, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr mateys! Tanner Abbott, the scallywag from Boyle County, hath been found guilty of dishonorable deeds by the Justice Department. He be walkin' the plank for his crimes against civil rights and justice. Aye, justice be swift and merciless on the high seas!
March 6, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr! The California lass used her wits and the power of the digital seas to gain a crew of loyal followers. Alas, she was no match for the ruthless Senate sharks, and now she's adrift without a ship in this election year. Avast, mateys!
March 6, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywag who used to sail with Royal Caribbean be tellin' the authorities that he be spyin' on folks since he set foot on deck in December two thousand and twenty-three. Now he be facin' charges from both the King's law and the local constables. Aye, what a treacherous tale indeed!
March 6, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr! This lass from California, just 23 years in age, be tellin' us how she be savin' doubloons at the market, despite the cursed inflation. Three simple rules be her secret to keepin' the purse strings tight. Aye, she be a savvy swashbuckler indeed!
March 6, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr mateys, them landlubbers be squawkin' about the gold pieces bein' spent on their mateys' villages in the grand scroll o' spendin'. Methinks they be talkin' out o' both sides o' their mouths, like a two-faced scallywag! Aye, 'tis a fine jest!
March 6, 2024, 11:45 am
Avast ye mateys! When the hashtag #EndFathersDay started to make waves on Twitter, she knew 'twas no mere jest. 'Twas a devious scheme to spread false tales far and wide! Aye, beware the treacherous waters of social media, me hearties! Arrr!
March 6, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, the Kentucky scallywag, who be settin' sail from his post as Senate minority leader, be layin' blame on the former captain's tales 'bout the election of 2020 fer causin' the riot on Jan. 6. Aye, 'tis a tangled web we weave when we sail with scallywags and liars!
March 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! The dreaded battle of 2024 between Biden and Trump be upon us like a cursed storm brewin' in the distance. No matter how we try to steer clear, we be doomed to face this clash of titans! Aye, mayhaps we should start stockin' up on grog for what lies ahead.
March 6, 2024, 11:38 am
Avast ye mateys! Afore his grand speakin' to the crew, the cap'n be facin' many a political storm brewin' on the horizon. Tis a treacherous sea he be sailin' on, with dangers lurkin' at every turn that be threatenin' his chance fer re-election. Yarrr!
March 6, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr mateys, Katie Porter be throwin' shade at Rep. Adam Schiff for his lavish spendin' on "lies," claimin' he be helpin' the scallywag Steve Garvey. Methinks this be quite the spectacle on the political seas! Aye, the drama be thick as a pirate's stew!
March 6, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, ye scallywag Michelle Donelan be walkin' the plank after accusin' a learned professor of sympathizin' with the likes of Hamas! She be payin' a hefty sum to make amends, but methinks she'll be keepin' a weather eye on her accusations from now on. Aye, the seas be treacherous for those who speak without thinkin'!
March 6, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis a curious sight indeed! Joe Biden hath turned into none other than Jimmy Carter. 'Tis as if he hath been cursed by a mischievous sea witch! Methinks 'tis time to set sail and find the treasure of eternal youth! Arrr!
March 6, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr mateys, on Super Tuesday 2024 in Alabama, the scallywag Republican incumbent walked the plank, bested by a swashbuckling Republican who sailed in from another district. Ye election in that territory be so close, they be headin' to runoffs like scurvy dogs! Aye, tis a tale worth tellin' in the taverns!
March 6, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags of the Dallas Cowboys be pickin' Gavin Escobar o'er Travis Kelce in the 2013 NFL Draft, all because o' a pesky "red flag" from Kelce's college days. Ye can't trust them landlubbers with too many red flags, I reckon! Aye, the twists and turns of the draft be full of surprises indeed.
March 6, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis said that former U.N. ambassador and South Carolina Governor, Nikki Haley, be walkin' the plank from the 2024 GOP presidential race. Arrr, the seas be clear for Captain Trump to sail straight to victory!
March 6, 2024, 5:48 am
In the month of March, in the year 2019, the landlubber known as Jeff Smith did clash with a Black Hawk beast whilst frolicking upon his snow steed. Now the fool doth seek recompense from the crown in a court of law. Aye, what a tale of woe! Arrr!
March 6, 2024, 5:06 am
Avast ye mateys! Fritch be plagued by tornadoes and wildfires, with a blaze in the Panhandle takin' homes. Sad news, the fire chief met his demise battlin' a house fire. May he rest in Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!
March 6, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, Gov. Jeff Landry be layin' down some strict new rules to fight crime, so he says. But the scallywags be claimin' it be nothin' but a blast from the past. Aye, 'tis a tale as old as time!
March 6, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Mr. Robinson set sail into the treacherous waters of politics in 2019, seeking the title of lieutenant governor. He be known as a bold buccaneer, ready to brawl in the battle of cultures. Aye, he be stirrin' up the seas!
March 6, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the fancy words the captain be spillin' will be polished 'til the parrot squawks, watched by his loyal crew afore the grand election in November. Aye, 'tis a show fit for a king!
March 5, 2024, 5:56 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Mexico City catchment basin be ablaze, sending flames a-blazin' through 75 acres of dried greenery on the city's northwest side. Arrr, 'tis a sight to behold, like the fiery wrath of Davy Jones himself!
March 5, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr mateys, it be a blunder of epic proportions! The scallywags accidentally shared a snapshot of the crime scene where poor Madeline Soto met her demise on the interwebs. Ye best believe the authorities be none too pleased with this breach of secrecy! Aye, tis a foolish mistake indeed.
March 5, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags on the D.C. Council have sailed through the Secure D.C. anti-crime bill, all while them landlubbers in the business groups be flappin' their gums about a fearsome surge in villainy on the high seas! Aye, shiver me timbers!
March 5, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The battles be scattered like pieces of eight, with less gold and time than the Michigan crew. 'Tis a right mess we be in, but fear not, we be sailin' through these choppy waters with a hearty laugh and a swig o'rum!
March 5, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, the scallywag Ariel Henry be keepin' mum on his return date, as them armed rascals be tryin' to take over Haiti's grand international airport. Avast ye, mateys, it be a right ol' shambles!
March 5, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, the squabble amongst the scallywags for the seat of the late Senator Dianne Feinstein be in turmoil! And now, a blast from the past, former baseball swashbuckler Steve Garvey, be throwin' his hat into the ring! Mayhem ensues on the political high seas! Arrr!
March 5, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The battle be but the first of 16 on Super Tuesday that our mate be sure to conquer as he sets his sights on the grand election ahead. May he plunder all the votes in his path! Aye!
March 5, 2024, 11:57 am
Avast ye scallywags! A landlubber from California hath been caught red-handed smuggling cold treasures into our fair land. He be accused of defying the rules meant to keep the skies clear of foul gases. Walk the plank, ye sneaky scoundrel!
March 5, 2024, 11:53 am
Arr, me hearties! As 15 states be holdin' primaries on Super Tuesday, we be askin' ye scallywags what ye be thinkin' 'bout immigration and how it be swayin' yer decisions. Set sail and share yer thoughts, me mateys!
March 5, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in California be ready to weigh in on Gov. Gavin Newsom's fancy Proposition 1. 'Tis a grand plan to combat the land's homeless woes. Let's hope they don't end up walkin' the plank instead! Aye!
March 5, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, the good Professor Helen Clarke of Oxford Brookes University be claimin' 'tis a heinous deed for lasses to seek spaces solely for the fairer sex. Aye, such talk be as silly as a landlubber tryin' to navigate the high seas! Arrr!
March 5, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr! Sen. Josh Hawley be tellin' President Biden to raise the taxes on Chinese energy bits, to be less dependent on their green energy. Aye, 'tis a clever plan indeed, me hearties! Let's give those scurvy dogs a taste of their own medicine!
March 5, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr! Three years have passed, and me memories of that scoundrel Mr. Trump's rule be fadin' like the mist on a stormy sea. The tides be turnin', me hearties, and we be sailin' into calmer waters ahead! Aye aye, me hearties!
March 5, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr mateys! The pop superstar be tellin' her 282 million scallywags to cast their votes in the primaries on Tuesday. But she be keepin' her lips sealed on which candidate be winnin' her heart. Aye, may the best buccaneer win!
March 5, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! Keep a weather eye on Super Tuesday, for the lass Nikki Haley be battlin' for delegates in California and Texas. But mark me words, the scallywag Donald Trump be snatchin' up the biggest troves! Aye, the political seas be turbulent indeed!
March 5, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr mateys! A study hath discovered the most sought after nostalgic treats! Dunkaroos, Oreo Cakesters and Crystal Pepsi be amongst those coveted treasures. Take a gander at the full plunder!
March 5, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr mateys! Five souls met their fate when a lone vessel of the sky did plummet in Nashville, Tennessee. Forced to land on the treacherous grounds near Interstate 40, the poor crew faced an unfortunate demise. Aye, the skies be unforgiving to those who dare to soar!
March 5, 2024, 5:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Atlantic diet be like the treasure o' the high seas, full o' the finest grub from Portugal and Spain! Me shipmates be sayin' it be bringin' health like a mermaid's kiss. Aye, the proof be in the pudding, mateys!
March 5, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks this Adam Schiff scallywag be pullin' a fast one in the Senate race. He's gatherin' treasure like a greedy pirate, tryin' to outwit his Democratic rival with a sneaky Republican mate. But beware, for the winds of change may yet blow in a different direction! Arrr!
March 5, 2024, 5:27 am
Arrr, by the powers o' court decree, the land lubbers have redrawn the map makin' it a fair fight in a sea o' red. The scallywags be ready to pounce on this golden chance to plunder the congressional seat!
March 4, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arr mateys! The scallywag Governor of Wisconsin, Tony Evers, hath signed a bilge rat Republican law to boost the booty fer landlubbers with wee ones. Avast ye, tis a rare sight to see pirates and politicians workin' together! Aye, me hearties!
March 4, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr! The scallywag prosecutor suggests the judge be hornswoggled by deceitful tales of romance among the prosecution! Aye, 'tis a treacherous tale indeed, me hearties! Let's hope the judge be wise enough to see through the fog of love! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr! Them scallywags from Texas be firing their cannons at President Biden, claimin' he and his first mate Harris never sent a message to their border patrol chief. Methinks they be playin' a game of hide and seek on the high seas! Aye, 'tis a jest fit for Davy Jones' locker!
March 4, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr mateys! After escapin' from the brig, them scurvy dogs from Haiti be takin' over the airport! There be a right rumble as they be tryin' to seize control from the king's men. Avast ye, it be a battle of the ages!
March 4, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr! The wise scholars hath spoken on Monday, supportin' former President Trump in his battle against the scallywags in Colorado tryin' to remove him from the ballot. The Supreme Court be unanimously standin' with our matey, Trump! Aye, victory be ours!
March 4, 2024, 5:24 pm
Bewitched by lukewarm support for a president they deem revolutionary, these scallywags find themselves marooned in a desolate cove of American politics: "Arrr, I be feelin' like a lonesome buccaneer on this ship of fools."
March 4, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a fierce battle afoot in the many lands, as the states be holdin' grand primaries to determine their fate. 'Tis a swashbucklin' affair, with the scallywags competin' for the treasure of victory! Aye, may the best scallywag win!
March 4, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag lawyer Marc Elias be walkin' the plank fer makin' fun o' old Trump not gettin' a fair trial in Washington D.C. after losin' the GOP primary! Ye best be watchin' yer tongue, matey, lest ye end up in Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis been brought to me attention that the head honcho of Philadelphia's LGBT crew and her scallywag of a husband have been caught red-handed by the law! 'Tis a tale that'll be sung in taverns for years to come! Aye, the sea be a treacherous mistress indeed!
March 4, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, the Supreme Court be havin' Trump's back in his scuffle with Colorado! They be sayin' ye can't just be kickin' a former President off the ballot like a scurvy dog. Aye, the seas be choppy, but Trump be sailin' on!
March 4, 2024, 11:14 am
Ye scallywag Airman Teixeira be wantin' to play a different tune! Instead of shoutin' 'not guilty,' he be singin' the tune of 'guilty' like a parrot on a rum bender. Six counts of mischief he be admittin' to, aye, the lad be in hot water now!
March 4, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr, this swashbuckler be one of the bravest scallywags in American lore, with 19 shiny trinkets fer his daring deeds in battle. He be clear as the ocean on a calm day - his duty be to send foes to Davy Jones' locker!
March 4, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr mateys! The latest scuttlebutt from the Times/Siena polls show that Donald J. Trump's policies be gettin' a better reputation than a chest full o' gold! Even them landlubbers who be feelin' the pinch from Democrat policies be givin' him a thumbs up. Aye, me hearties, it be a strange sea we be sailin' on!
March 4, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis whispered in the wind that President Biden be sailin' into rough waters ahead of his grand speech. 'Tis said over 60% of landlubbers think he's lost his marbles. Methinks the poor bloke be in need of a compass to find his way out of this mess!
March 4, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr! The land of Haiti be in turmoil! The scallywags be runnin' amok, attackin' prisons and settin' free the landlubbers! The authorities be clamping down with a nightly curfew to keep the rascals at bay. Aye, the seas be rough in Haiti!
March 4, 2024, 5:44 am
Avast ye, mateys! The U.N. human rights chief be cryin' out to put an end to the gaggin' o' free voices in Russia and be mighty worried 'bout the huntin' down o' poor Alexei Navalny. Aye, 'tis a scurvy deed indeed!
March 4, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr mateys! Many a motion picture be aimed at wee scallywags, but fear not! Grown buccaneers can also find delight in these animated treasures. Here be a list of animated flicks fit fer younglings and seasoned sailors alike! Aye, me hearties!
March 4, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! This week be as important as findin' buried treasure! Super Tuesday and the State of the Union be settin' the stage for the grand showdown ahead. Keep yer eyes peeled, for the battle be nigh! Aye, me parrot agrees.
March 4, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! A grand crew of land lubbers be aiding in the rescue of cows, horses, donkeys, cats, and dogs. "Arr, there be much destruction afoot," one swashbuckler cried. Raise the anchor and set sail for the animals in need!
March 4, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr! The two scallywags vying for the top spot be like night and day! One be a savvy sea dog of the Democratic persuasion, while the other be a swashbuckling matey of the Republican flag. Aye, they be as different as rum and grog!
March 3, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis said that Brianz Grazer hath confirmed a tale o' John Candy carousin' with Jack Nicolson and returnin' to set groggy yet ready to toil. Aye, 'tis a merry yarn indeed!
March 3, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr mateys, the mighty towers of Los Angeles be plagued by insolent scallywags who be desecrating their lofty windows with their graffiti! 'Tis a sight to behold, as these towering monuments to greed be brought low by the artful hands of mischievous pirates! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr! A newfangled media study be tellin' us how movies an' TV shows be depictin' "our climate reality" like the Bechdel-Wallace Test. Me thinks it be time to hoist the anchor an' set sail for some cinematic adventures on the high seas!
March 3, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The Supreme Court be settin' sail to decide if that landlubber Trump can be walkin' the plank off Colorado's ballot. Keep yer spyglasses ready, for the verdict be comin' faster than a cannonball on Monday! Aye, may the winds of justice blow in our favor!
March 3, 2024, 4:42 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A judge from Alabama hath put a stop to the government's nosy ways in tryin' to suss out money launderers. He be cryin' foul on the Congress for stickin' their noses where they don't belong. 'Tis a right scandal, says he!
March 3, 2024, 4:30 pm
Arrr mateys, Emma Heming Willis be takin' to her digital scroll to give those scurvy clickbaity headlines a piece o' her mind! Me thinks those bilge rats be messin' with the wrong lass! Aye, let 'em have it, me hearty!
March 3, 2024, 3:36 pm
Arrr! A crew of sea dogs from the L.G.B.T.Q. gang be takin' the state's attorney general to court over his demand for papers on wee ones gettin' their gender shipshape. Ye can bet this battle be full o' cannons and cutlasses!
March 3, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags be squatting in me rental property while I be tending to me ailing lass. 'Tis a real pickle, I tell ye! I'll make 'em walk the plank if they don't clear out soon!
March 3, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas be none too pleased with them scallywags at "Saturday Night Live" poking fun at President Biden and his crew. Methinks they be walkin' the plank if they keep up their shenanigans! Aye, the gall of those landlubbers!
March 3, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Laken Riley's mother hath finally opened her gob to the masses, spillin' her heart out on the cursed book o' faces. 'Twas a Saturday post, mark me words, where she shared her grief o'er her poor lass's unjust demise at the University of Georgia! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, me hearty Ms. Haley be talkin' like a scallywag, suggestin' she be free from honorin' the R.N.C.'s commitment. But beware, ye can't just sail away from the primary debates like a ship in the night! Aye, the code must be followed!
March 3, 2024, 5:52 am
Arr matey, the former cap'n Trump be shoutin' his approval fer the campaign of Lt. Gov. Robinson to be governor of North Carolina! Ye can bet yer doubloons that this be makin' some waves in the political waters, ye scallywags! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys, in the year of our Lord 2022, over a billion scallywags - 43% o' the adult crew - be sufferin' from the curse of obesity across the seven seas, as reported by the NCD Risk Factor Collaboration, a league o' health scholars from far and wide. Aye, tis a heavy burden indeed!
March 3, 2024, 4:22 am
Arrr mateys! A fair lass from Michigan, lost since 2017, be found at a seaside inn! The constables heard her wails and sobs, and rescued her from the clutches of the black-hearted scallywags who held her captive! Aye, justice be served on the high seas once more!
March 3, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at The New York Times and Siena College be sayin' that even his own crew be worryin' 'bout the cap'n's age! Aye, it be a treacherous storm brewin', a grave threat to his quest for re-election. Shiver me timbers!
March 3, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The land lubbers be sayin' that the Democrats have a good grip on the state for the presidential election. But mark me words, the winners in the key districts may hold the power to rule the high seas of Congress! Aye, may the best scallywags win!
March 3, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, the Attorney General be seekin' revenge, while the Gov. be wantin' private school booty. They be plottin' to oust the current crew o' Republicans and steer the ship even further starboard in the Tuesday primary. Ahoy, me hearties!
March 3, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! These landlubbers be callin' themselves investigators, tryin' to use fancy new tools and tall tales to convince officials to drop voters from the rolls. But beware, for we be watchin' them closely like a hawk on a treasure chest! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 3:04 am
Arrr mateys, the ol' President Joe Biden be sailin' the seas at 81 years young, showin' those landlubber Hollywood celebs that age be just a number. Aye, he be the wisest captain in all the land!
March 2, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye! The goodly First Lady Jill Biden was beset by scurvy pro-Palestinian scallywags! They didst interrupt her speech and accuse her of supporting "genocide." Methinks they be more crossed than a one-legged pirate in a barrel o' rum! Arrr!
March 2, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr! For near an hour, the swashbuckling driver was stuck in a mighty tractor-trailer teetering o'er the edge of a Kentucky bridge. But fear not, me hearties! A brave firefighter descended on a rope to make a daring rescue. Shiver me timbers!
March 2, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, mateys! Two feet o' the white stuff be fallin' from the heavens, whipped about by the fierce winds. Beware the treacherous avalanches, for they be lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on any unsuspecting landlubber! Aye, 'tis a perilous time on the high seas, indeed.
March 2, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr! The Gun Owner of America be raisin' a ruckus over Sen. John Cornyn's stance on our precious Second Amendment rights! Ye can bet yer doubloons there be some fierce debate ahead as Cornyn sets sail to succeed the dastardly Mitch McConnell as Minority Leader. Aye, may the best pirate win!
March 2, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arr matey, the scallywag Sam Asghari, a dashing actor and model, be spillin' the beans on his past with the fair maiden Britney Spears. Tis a tale of love lost and the breakin' of their marriage vows. Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
March 2, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The old president be plunderin' all 39 delegates from Nikki Haley in the caucus shindig in Grand Rapids! 'Twas a fierce battle, but the old sea dog came out on top! Ahoy, there be rough waters ahead for Haley! Aye!
March 2, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr mateys! The gallant scallywags at The Washington Post be claimin' that us conservative rapscallions be spreadin' fear o' crime to stir up panic! They be cryin' foul play while we be just protectin' the booty! Aye, 'tis a fine jest indeed!
March 2, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr mateys! The fires be ravaging the plains of Texas, Kansas, and Nebraska, causing distress to the ranchers. The winds be blowin' fierce, like the breath of a dragon, makin' the flames dance with devilish glee. Aye, 'tis a dire situation indeed!
March 2, 2024, 11:09 am
Arrr mateys! The Fox News Entertainment newsletter be bringin' ye the freshest Hollywood scuttlebutt, celebrity parleys and tales from the land of Los Angeles and beyond. Avast ye eyes and ears, for a jolly good time be awaitin'! Ahooy!
March 2, 2024, 11:04 am
Arrr! Me hearties, the scallywags on social media be sharin' pics o' two mighty locomotives and a heap o' container cars off course. Aye, no one be hurt and no cursed materials spilled, say the officials. Smooth sailin' ahead!
March 2, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, Roy Brooks, a salty dog of a law scholar from the University of San Diego, be sayin' that San Francisco's apology to Black mateys be as useless as a wooden leg on a fish if not followed through with proper deeds. Aye, words be cheap, actions be the real treasure! Arrr!
March 2, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! These elected scallywags be spillin' their tales of rum-fueled debauchery, awash in a sea of worry o'er the epidemic plunderin' the land. 'Tis a sad tale indeed, as many a brave soul be losin' their lives to the cursed drug plague. Aye, 'tis a treacherous voyage ahead!
March 2, 2024, 9:05 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dogs at our institution be thinkin' of plunderin' the University of Phoenix for a hefty sum o' $550 million doubloons. But be it a treasure worth riskin' our ship for? Only time will tell, me hearties! Aye, let the swashbucklin' begin!
March 2, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr mateys! A band of scurvy US Army scallywags in the East o' Middle discovered a poor pup in dire straits. Now, brave Sgt. Jack be on a mission to sail her back to safety in the U.S. with the help of Paws of War! Aye, a noble cause indeed!
March 2, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr! The Florida scallywags hath decreed that the land lubbers without a roof o'er their heads shan't be caught sleepin' in public! Aye, the local governments must now be forced to fund the camps of the homeless buccaneers. Avast ye, 'tis a strange world we live in!
March 2, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, 47 percent o' landlubbers be groanin' and grumblin' about Cap'n Biden's leadership. 'Tis a higher number than any other time in his rule. Methinks the scallywags be ready to mutiny! Aye, the seas be rough for ol' Sleepy Joe.
March 2, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye scurvy flames be ravaging the land like a cursed kraken! The fire hath devoured over a million acres in the state's Panhandle, and still rampages unchecked. Behold the destruction it hath wrought upon us landlubbers! Aye, tis a sight to make even Davy Jones squirm.
March 2, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, last month be the fourth-soggiest February in the city's records. 'Twas like walkin' the plank through a never-endin' rainstorm. I be hopin' the weather gods be kinder to us scallywags this month!
March 2, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Black crew's numbers had been growin' fer many moons, but in certain lands, a decree from the Supreme Court in 2013 be makin' 'em walk the plank! Aye, a new reckonin' has spoken.
March 2, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast ye mateys! This weekend, feast yer eyes on the latest gossip from the high seas! Hear tales of odd news, stories of faith and family, and even an exclusive parley with Lara Trump. Don't miss out, lest ye walk the plank! Arrr!
March 2, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be fightin' o'er a piece o' land in Queens, New York! The battle between the land-lovin' couple and the squatter be settlin' in court next moon. May the best pirate win the treasure! Arrr!
March 1, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, me hearties! We be breakin' down the numbers, charts, and big day o' reckonin' known as Super Tuesday. Ye best be listenin' close, or ye might find yerself walkin' the plank o' confusion! Aye, it be a treacherous sea we be sailin'.
March 1, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr! The scallywags be squabblin' o'er whether Prosecutor Fani Willis be havin' a conflict o' interest in the Georgia election case. Her crew be shoutin' that the disqualification be a desperate attempt! Me thinks they be needin' a good swabbin' o' the decks!
March 1, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywags in Congress and the media be lashin' out at the Biden crew for callin' them scallywags crossin' the border "newcomers." Ye best believe they be walkin' the plank for that slip o' the tongue!
March 1, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arr, the scallywags of the medical profession be in hot water with the paramedics after a rare prosecution. Ye can bet yer doubloons there be some strong reactions brewin' amongst the crew!
March 1, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arr mateys! The Greek constables be braggin' 'bout catchin' 10 scallywags linked to Balkan gang shenanigans causin' chaos o'er Europe! 'Tis a fine haul indeed, makin' the seas a bit safer for us honest pirates. Aye, beware the long arm of the law, ye bilge rats!
March 1, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The law dogs be sayin' no charges be comin' for deletin' the late Wayne Stenehjem's emails after his passin'. Looks like the scallywags be walkin' the plank, arrr!
March 1, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys, them scurvy dogs in Alaska's parliament be passin' an edumacation decree that be makin' Governor Mike Dunleavy see red! He be threatenin' to veto it, wantin' more booty fer the teachers! Avast, it be a mighty fine squabble on the high seas of politics!
March 1, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr mateys, a Georgia judge be listenin' to final arguments on Friday 'bout whether Fani Willis' scandalous affair be makin' her unfit to be judgin' the case against that scallywag Trump. Will justice prevail or will the seas be too choppy for fair judgment? Yarrr!
March 1, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr mateys! The court in Washington, D.C., hath decreed that some scallywags bein' wrongly punished for joinin' the riot at the Capitol. Now they be facin' a harsher fate for their misdeeds. Ye best think twice before messin' with the law, ye landlubbers!
March 1, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! The good ol' Francis Ford Coppola be showin' us some footage from the castin' of "The Outsiders"! Ye wouldn't believe yer eyes - Tom Cruise and Rob Lowe among the lads tryin' to snag a role. Shiver me timbers, what a sight to behold!
March 1, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr matey, Donald Trump be takin' a different tack in dealin' with the bloody Mideast squabble, showin' a new trend in Republican policy and his own thoughts on the Israeli leader. Ye best be keepin' an eye on this scallywag's moves!
March 1, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr! The judge, Col. Matthew N. McCall, was supposed to be retirin' in April, but now it be up to a fifth scallywag to be makin' the big calls in the case. Shiver me timbers, what a twist of fate!
March 1, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, a lass on her way to learnin' in Long Island stumbled upon a severed limb by Southards Pond Park in Babylon. The lawmen, with their trusty K9 companion, sniffed out more body parts. Methinks someone be playin' a gruesome game of hide and seek!
March 1, 2024, 5:26 am
Arr matey! Laura Gallier be reflectin' on Lenten practices and the temptations o' legalism durin' this holy season. She be sayin' that fasting be all about love and gettin' closer to God. So let us set sail on this journey of growin' in faith, me hearties!
March 1, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr mateys, the healers be ponderin' new ways to tend to the scallywags in the grip of the law, after two landlubber paramedics in Colorado were found guilty for their part in the passin' of Elijah McClain. Ye best watch yer step, lest ye be next in their sights!
March 1, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers be complainin' about antisemitism at their learnin' dens. But what about the poor Muslim and Arab mateys facin' harassin' on the high seas of academia? Aye, let's give 'em all a fair shake, says I! Arrr!
March 1, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, Judge Aileen Cannon be settin' sail for a later date for the trial, much to the chagrin of the scallywag prosecutors who be wantin' to start in July. The former president, he be waitin' in the wings 'til August, like a treasure just outta reach. Arrr!
March 1, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr! The scallywags from an opulent community in South Carolina be aimin' to scuttle a plan for 60 lodgings for the less fortunate. 'Tis a cruel jest, for 'tis a treacherous task to grant the humble a chance to dwell among the prosperous. Aye, 'tis a right rum do!
March 1, 2024, 3:01 am
Arr mateys! The way these landlubbers handle immigration be a real test of the peoples' stomach for the chaos of democracy. 'Tis a battle between the president's love of laws and his rival's dream of ruling with an iron fist from the very first day. Avast, me hearties!
February 29, 2024, 11:50 am
Arr mateys, it seems them scallywags in San Francisco be fixin' to give a good ol' smackdown to them progressive laws on justice next week. Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in favor of the old ways, by thunder!
February 29, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr mateys, Terrence Bradley, a scallywag former law partner and divorce attorney, spilled the beans under oath about the secret love affair betwixt Georgia prosecutor Fani Willis and special prosecutor Nathan Wade. Shiver me timbers, it be a scandalous tale fit for the high seas!
February 29, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr mateys, India be sendin' landlubbers to Maldives to tend to the mighty machines they be giftin' us. No more swashbucklin' soldiers, just fancy technicians fixin' the airships. It be a strange sight, but hey, as long as they keep the rum flowin', we be happy!
February 29, 2024, 11:31 am
Yarrr, the defense secretary be in a bit o' trouble, mateys! He be asked why he kept mum 'bout his illness from the White House back in January. Methinks he be in need of a good ol' walk off the plank for this slip-up! Arrr!
February 29, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr mateys, the ruling be stoppin' the law that would give the scallywag officers the power to arrest and kick out migrants. 'Tis a win for the crown in the battle with Texas o'er immigration. Avast, we be keepin' the seas safe from unjust laws!
February 29, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr! Terrence Bradley be like a scurvy dog in court, but his messages reveal his eagerness to scuttle the plans of Fani Willis, the district attorney of Fulton County. Me thinks he be a swindler of the highest order!
February 29, 2024, 5:51 am
Avast ye scoundrels! Jeffery Lemor Wheat, 52, hath admitted to assailin' four fair maidens in Dallas, includin' three lasses who be part of a Black sorority. 'Tis a shameful deed indeed, and he now faces the consequences of his misdeeds. Aye, justice shall be served! Arrr!
February 29, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, the land lubbers in Nevada be havin' a hard time recruitin' poll workers for their election shenanigans. Secretary of State Cisco Aguilar be suggestin' that scurvy lawyers who lend a hand be rewarded with learnin' credits. Aye, me hearties, 'tis a fine idea indeed!
February 29, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin be walkin' the plank afore Congressional scallywags on Thursday, forced to explain his secretive sojourn in the infirmary. Shiver me timbers, tis sure to be a lively debate on the high seas of Capitol Hill!
February 29, 2024, 5:35 am
Avast ye scallywag! The Nottinghamshire magistrate be givin' Jelanie Scott a chance to clean up his act with a drug rehabilitation program! And he be needin' to fork over $360 in gold doubloons to the court, or risk walkin' the plank! Arrr, the law be harsh but fair, me hearties!
February 29, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! The government and state be joinin' forces to battle falsehoods, protect the rights of all landlubbers, and make sure this election be as safe as buried treasure. Aye, let's make sure this election be fairer than a pirate fightin' over a chest of gold!
February 29, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that Thursday's cooler winds be a blessin' fer the fire-fightin' folk, lettin' 'em get a grip on the fiery beast afore the dreaded weekend heat returns to wreak havoc once more. Aye, let's pray they can tame the flames 'afore it be too late!
February 29, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, the Transportation Department be sayin' that these new regulations be makin' it more simple for us to give them scallywag airlines a taste of their own medicine when they be mishandlin' our trusty wheelchairs. Aye, let's see 'em try and squirm out of this one now!
February 29, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys, the smugglin' be down o'er the past moon, but the migrant kerfuffle still be rulin' the land on the border. Many be doubtin' that Biden or Trump can be lendin' a hand. Aye, 'tis a right pickle we find ourselves in!
February 28, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye land lubbers! Sixteen laden carts o'corn be sent tumblin' in Elko, Nevada. Thankfully, no scurvy dogs be harmed in the mishap. Arrr, a fine day for a calamity, says I!
February 28, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! The weather in Wisconsin be as fickle as a scallywag on a sinking ship! The temperatures be droppin' quicker than a pirate's loot bein' stolen. One moment it be warm as a mermaid's kiss, the next it be colder than Davy Jones' locker! Aye, it be a cruel jest from Mother Nature herself!
February 28, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arr! The scallywags in Mississippi's House, led by the Republicans, be passin' a law to give more booty to them in need o' healthcare. Aye, 'tis a rare sight to see such kindness from these landlubbers in a state with more preventable deaths than anywhere else in the New World!
February 28, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr! 'Tis said that Aaron Bushnell, the swashbucklin' cyberdefense matey, did set himself ablaze in a fiery protest 'gainst the scallywag Israelis and their deeds towards the poor Palestinians. Before donning the uniform o' the Air Force, he was part of a wee Christian community. Aye, a true tale indeed!
February 28, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, the captain, proclaiming he be makin' headway on them matters despite the scallywags of the G.O.P., be determined to give a good fight against them Republicans who be talkin' smack about him and his crew of Democrats. Aye, let the battle begin!
February 28, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Larry David, Cheryl Hines, Jamie Lee Curtis, Albert Brooks, Ringo Starr, and other scallywags be weepin' o'er the loss of the jester Richard Lewis. The sea hath claimed him at 76 winters old. Fair winds and calm seas to ye, matey!
February 28, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywag former president be awaitin' his trial for tryin' to plunder the election. The justices be deliberatin' while the seas be rough. Will justice prevail or will the scurvy dog walk the plank? Only time will tell, me hearties!
February 28, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The justices be in a mighty quarrel o'er the workings of gun triggers and the ban on bump stocks. They be ponderin' the consequences for scallywags ownin' such contraptions and the safety of the common folk. Arrr!
February 28, 2024, 11:55 am
Avast ye scallywags! M'lady Emily Bradley, 44 winters young, be missin' since Feb. 18. She skipped her new job like a landlubber and abandoned her faithful hound in Tennessee. Arrr, mayhaps she be off seekin' buried treasure!
February 28, 2024, 11:50 am
Avast ye mateys, a scallywag named Charles Limmer from Long Island hath confessed to smuggling precious bugs like birdwing butterflies in exchange for leniency in the court of Brooklyn. 'Tis a tale that shall be sung in taverns for ages to come!
February 28, 2024, 11:48 am
Avast ye mateys! The fair lady Jill Biden be takin' charge of "Women for Biden-Harris," gatherin' a crew of lasses to support Cap'n Biden's quest for victory come November. Raise the sails and let's set course for the ballot box! Arrrrr!
February 28, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr mateys! The bread bakers in Gaza City be pillaged and plundered, makin' families scavenge for crumbs like rats. A poor soul in a wheelchair be cryin', "We be starvin' like scurvy dogs on a desert isle!" Aye, tis a sad tale indeed.
February 28, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr mateys, one of the blazing infernos, the Smokehouse Creek fire by the cattle-town of Canadian, be now the second grandest wildfire ever seen in Texas. Aye, me hearties, the flames be as fierce as a sea monster's breath!
February 28, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be goin' round that the White House be givin' a document about ol' Mr. Biden's physical today. Keep yer eyes peeled and yer ears open for any news on the matter, me fellow scallywags!
February 28, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis said that Hunter Biden was gettin' interrogated in secret chambers by them scurvy Republicans in their quest to bring down President Biden. 'Tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker, aye!
February 28, 2024, 9:54 am
Arrr, word has it that the head honcho of the agency parleyed with the scallywags from Boeing, including their top dog, to chat about keeping the ship afloat. Aye, looks like they be keepin' a weather eye on safety measures!
February 28, 2024, 5:41 am
Arrr! The kin of a brave Black mate be seekin' retribution from a scallywag deputy and his ship's office for a grand sum o' $16 million doubloons! 'Tis a tale o' woe and gold on the high seas of justice, mateys! Aye, the law be a treacherous sea indeed!
February 28, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, a scallywag from California, known as a psychologist, be givin' his two pieces o' eight on a tale o' woe posted on Reddit. 'Twas a birthday feast fer a lass, but her lubberly husband be a no-show! Shiver me timbers, what a scurvy dog!
February 28, 2024, 5:34 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis said that Hollywood scallywag John Sayles did venture to visit the wall of that scurvy dog Trump. There, he and his mate did relieve themselves in protest. Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed!
February 28, 2024, 5:16 am
Arr, the skies be causin' quite a ruckus! Flights were halted at O'Hare Airport on Tuesday, and tornado warnings be soundin' in Ohio on Wednesday mornin'. Mother Nature be showin' her true colors, mateys!
February 28, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, this 2,000-mile frontier be causin' quite the stir in our American politics, as the quarrel o'er immigration be gettin' more heated than a volcano! Ye can practically smell the gunpowder in the air as the sides be drawin' their swords. Arrr, what a spectacle!
February 28, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, the addition of Larry Hogan in Maryland be a crowning achievement for Senate Republicans, after many a disappointment in their recruiting efforts. 'Twas a fine victory after months of quiet success, me hearties!
February 28, 2024, 4:06 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Democrats be cryin' foul over a law that be lettin' ye sue fer the death of a wee babe in the womb. They be sayin' it'll mess with yer babymakin' mojo. Arrr, what next? Lawsuits over spilled rum?
February 27, 2024, 5:56 am
Avast ye mateys! Thar be talk of changin' them abortion laws in Kentucky. They be tryin' to make exceptions for lasses who be with child from a scurvy rapscallion or a knave from incest. 'Tis a fine kettle o' fish!
February 27, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, the scallywags in the New York Legislature be throwin' the proposed map overboard like a cursed treasure map! Now they be takin' matters into their own hands to chart a new course. Shiver me timbers, what a bunch of landlubbers!
February 27, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr mateys! The Dutch court hath found 17 scallywags, including the once most-wanted rogue Ridouan Taghi, guilty in a trial involving a dastardly gang responsible for a slew of bloody deeds. Ye best be keepin' a weather eye on these bilge rats!
February 27, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! The lawmen of Australia be discoverin' the lifeless forms of a couple, Jesse Baird and Luke Davies, stashed beneath rocks and rubble on a country estate after a scallywag pointed 'em in the right direction. Aye, the truth be stranger than fiction!
February 27, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, with scarce options to plunder and Congress holdin' out on the loot, the captain's bet on competition policy might just win him a treasure trove o' support from the crew. Aye, a savvy move indeed!
February 27, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fate of tax exemptions fer the United Daughters of the Confederacy be in the hands of Gov. Glenn Youngkin. Will he grant 'em treasure or send 'em to Davy Jones' locker? Only time will tell, me mateys! Aye, the Virginia General Assembly be watchin' closely!
February 27, 2024, 12:26 am
Arrr, the captain be pleased with the parley 'twixt Israel and Hamas. 'Tis a good sign fer peace on the high seas. Let's hope they can strike a bargain afore the next storm rolls in. Keep yer eye on the horizon, me hearties!
February 27, 2024, 12:17 am
Arrr matey, the cap'n made an appearance on ye late-night show during election season, sharin' a laugh with Seth Meyers and takin' a few jabs at ol' President Trump's forgetful ways. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold!
February 26, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr! Me hearties be sayin' that a fancy survey by Americans for Contraception be showin' that the masses be favorin' birth control! And those scallywag Republicans be walkin' the plank if they don't be supportin' access to it! Ye better believe it, mateys!
February 26, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, she be a feisty lass! She be knowin' the dangers ahead, hatin' that scallywag Trump, but refusin' to support Biden. Ah, a lady with a mind of her own, a pirate's heart indeed!
February 26, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye mateys! Donald Trump be throwin' his weight behind this Michael Whatley fella to take the reins, as he be tryin' to hold onto power in the Republican crew. Arrr, seems like ol' Donny be determined to be captain of this ship for a while yet!
February 26, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the scallywags in the tech industry be squabbling over laws in Florida and Texas, cryin' foul on censorship! The court be mullin' over a decision that could change the very essence o' speech on the high seas o' the internet. Aye, 'tis a battle for the ages!
February 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be takin' aim at Donald Trump on the electronic scroll on Saturday night! They be sayin' he's in a weak position after winnin' in South Carolina! Methinks they be walkin' the plank with their bold words! Aye, aye!
February 25, 2024, 4:23 am
Avast ye scurvy dog! A landlubber from South Carolina has been clapped in irons for sendin' missives to a judge threatenin' to rip off his face! 'Tis a fool's errand to cross swords with the law, lest ye fancy a one-way trip to Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
February 25, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dog! The old president be clingin' to his power in the G.O.P. like a barnacle on a ship's hull. No sign of him lettin' go in 2024, or any time soon. Aye, he be a stubborn one, that's for sure!
February 25, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye mateys, tis a battle o'er laws in Florida and Texas to safeguard conservative voices! Aye, a major ruling on tech platforms' free speech be in the offing. Arrr, let the legal scallywaggin' begin!
February 25, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the Michigan governor, a loyal comrade to the captain, be well-loved by her crew. But as the Democratic ship starts to leak, some be doubting if her charm be strong enough to keep her afloat. Aye mateys, tis a sticky situation indeed!
February 25, 2024, 3:45 am
Arr, me hearties! The scallywags from the New York City Police Department be sharin' some fancy pictures of a young matey gettin' a proper thrashin' in Times Square. Keep a weather eye on those bilge rats, lest ye end up walkin' the plank too! Arrr!
February 25, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr mateys! Fr. Ambrose Criste be spoutin' tales o' the Transfiguration, a yarn that be told in Catholic churches on the Second Sunday of Lent. 'Tis a tale that be sure to shiver yer timbers and stir yer souls! Aye, me hearties!
February 24, 2024, 10:14 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Donald Trump be winnin' another battle in the race for the crown, givin' Nikki Haley a right thrashin' in her own backyard. The voters be knowin' her ways better than a parrot knows how to squawk! Aye, 'tis a sight to behold!
February 24, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys, if ye cast yer ballot in the Democratic rumble this moon, ye best be keepin' yer hook out o' the Republican scuffle as well. No double-dippin' in the election grog, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
February 24, 2024, 4:11 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the Catholic scallywags be sticklers for tradition, while them Protestant buccaneers be more willing to venture into uncharted waters. Aye, 'tis a fine thing to see the differences betwixt the two groups of scurvy dogs!
February 24, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags backing her be of moderate nature and well-learned from the halls of higher learnin'. Aye, we conversed with near 40 to spy where their allegiance lies. Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in the political seas!
February 24, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr, me hearties! Nikki Haley and her former captain, Donald J. Trump, be tellin' tall tales about polls and taxes as they duel on the campaign sea. Methinks they be needin' a compass to navigate the treacherous waters of truth!
February 23, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! The court at Guantánamo be in a pickle, as me hearties be droppin' like flies, fallin' ill, or forgettin' their tales. 'Tis a right rum mess we be in, but fear not, we pirates be ready for any challenge!
February 23, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr! The scallywag accused of spilling the blood of Laken Riley has been captured by the University of Georgia Police Department. Mayhaps he'll walk the plank for his misdeeds! Beware, ye landlubbers, justice be served on the high seas!
February 23, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, thar be scallywags in Alabama tryin' to ban all this talk o' diversity, equity, and inclusion in our schools and institutions! 'Tis like tryin' to sail the high seas without a compass or a map. Aye, 'tis a foolish endeavor indeed!
February 23, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Two brave souls from the Mississippi National Guard met their unfortunate demise when their flying contraption went down in a fiery blaze. Gov. Tate Reeves hath confirmed the tragic news. May they rest in peace, arrr!
February 23, 2024, 5:50 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Left-wing Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador be defendin' his bold choice to publish the phone number of a New York Times reporter. Aye, he be standin' by his actions, ready to face the consequences like a true swashbuckler! Arrr!
February 23, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dog, Ryan Walters, who be in charge of the Oklahoma school, be sayin' that them radical leftists be spreadin' lies about the death of young Nex Benedict. Aye, 'tis a tale as tall as the mast of a ship!
February 23, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, Donald Trump be tossin' obstacles in the way o' his own shipmates, much to their chagrin. Methinks they be wishin' he'd set a smoother course instead of makin' 'em walk the plank o' political turmoil. Aye, the seas be treacherous indeed!
February 23, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, after the fierce battles of Vietnam, he buried the memories deep in Davy Jones' locker. But lo and behold, his fame be uncovered in the swashbucklin' 1990s, like a treasure long forgotten but now rediscovered! Aye, a pirate's life be full of surprises!
February 23, 2024, 11:50 am
Arr matey, the scurvy dog Trump's crew be claimin' that the fair maiden Fani Willis had this Nathan Wade over to her quarters a whole 35 times afore he joined her crew. Methinks there be some shady dealings afoot in this court of law! Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin'!
February 23, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, the Congressional Hispanic Caucus be giving President Biden a right good scolding over whispers that he be thinkin' 'bout wieldin' his executive power on the borders. Methinks they be madder than a hornet in a hurricane! Aye, 'tis a right salty situation indeed! Arrr!
February 23, 2024, 11:43 am
Arr mateys, word be circulatin' from the Senate Republicans' campaign arm that frozen embryos be advisin' as children. Aye, 'tis causin' quite the trouble for the party. Me thinks they be needin' a compass to navigate this murky waters! Arrr!
February 23, 2024, 11:40 am
Arr matey, the scallywags of Right for America be gettin' a boost from none other than the wealthy buccaneer Ike Perlmutter, who hath sailed the high seas of Marvel afore settlin' down at the Mar-a-Lago hideout. Aye, a mighty fine crew they be!
February 23, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr mateys! President Biden, in a grand gathering o' governors at the White House, be confessin' that our fair land be havin' a "broken" immigration system. Avast, we be needin' to fix this mess, or it be walkin' the plank for all of us!
February 23, 2024, 11:32 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Ukraine's finest sculptor, Mikhail Reva, be swearin' he had to mold the art that tells the tale o' Ukraine's woes when a Russian missile be strikin' his very own abode! Argh, the audacity o' those scallywags!
February 23, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, the scallywags at the university be claimin' the lass be an old student. But the coppers be scratchin' their heads, sayin' they have no scurvy dogs in their sights for this caper. Aye, the mystery be thick as a fog at sea!
February 23, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr mateys, the court be settin' sail to see if those scurvy prosecutors be havin' the authority to clap him in irons again. The government be shoutin' about keepin' national security safe and preventin' him from gallivantin' across the seven seas. Aye, tis a mighty curious tale indeed!
February 23, 2024, 5:55 am
Avast ye! Receive all the tales ye must know from the mightiest moniker in news sent straight to thy inbox at daybreak. Be a savvy sailor and stay informed, arrr!
February 23, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr mateys, them swashbucklin' regulators be givin' the tribes more say in stoppin' them hydropower projects on their land. Aye, the power dynamics be shiftin' in favor of the natives, makin' it harder for them scallywags to plunder their resources.
February 23, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr mateys, the mighty Forbes Avenue bridge in Pittsburgh be fallin' like a drunken sailor in a storm! 'Tis said by those fancy federal investigators that the city be neglectin' the upkeep of the structure. Aye, they be walkin' the plank for this one!
February 23, 2024, 5:50 am
Arr mateys! The Wisconsin Assembly be passin' a bill to be stickin' it to them landlubbers from afar! Raise yer fees, ye scallywags! Let 'em pay through the nose for their huntin', fishin', and trappin' licenses! Yarrr!
February 23, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr! The head honcho Democrat be sailin' with his crew to stand by Ukraine in their battle with the Russkies, and to convince the House o' Republicans to quit their scurvy ways and send more loot to Kyiv. Aye, may the winds be in their favor!
February 23, 2024, 4:29 am
Arrr, as me hearties in the Republican crew be scramblin' to steer clear of a decision that be causin' chaos in the realm o' fertility treatments, them scallywags in the Democrat crew be swearin' to fasten 'em to the mast of that ship! Aye, 'tis a battle o' wits on the high seas!
February 23, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The landlubbers in Washington State be tryin' to keep their pockets full by limitin' rent increases to a measly 7 percent! Arrr, California and Oregon be followin' suit, tryin' to keep us pirates from plunderin' too much booty. Aye, the times be a-changin'!
February 23, 2024, 4:02 am
Ye ol' sea dogs of the conservative, grass-roots movement be reckonin' this presidential brawl as a tussle betwixt a "mad uncle" and a "fragile snowflake niece." Arrr, they've weighed anchor and chosen their side, me hearties! Aye, may the best scallywag win!
February 22, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, the scallywags be sayin' that them test-optional policies be givin' the poor lads a rough time. But let's be honest, who needs tests when ye can sail the high seas and plunder treasure instead, aye? Aarrrr!
February 22, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! The upcoming primary election be where the scallywags of the Democratic crew show their discontent o'er the cap'n's stance on Israel. Methinks some of his loyal crew be fearin' a mutiny that'll leave 'em stranded on a deserted political island. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail!
February 22, 2024, 12:26 am
Arr, that scallywag be goin' to court to declare chimps as proper folk with their own liberties! Aye, he be fightin' for the rights of them hairy critters to roam free and be free from captivity like proper gentlemen of the sea! Arr!
February 21, 2024, 11:05 pm
Arr matey, the captain be givin' a nod to Mr. Thurmond, a scallywag of the highest order. Despite his past misdeeds, he be changin' his ways and supportin' the rights of all. Aye, even pirates can turn from their wicked ways!
February 21, 2024, 11:38 am
Ye scurvy dogs be settin' sail to choose the captains of our ship and have a say in the bountiful treasures of our land. 'Tis a grand adventure ahead with lots of plunder at stake, so choose wisely, me hearties!
February 21, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, aye mateys! Near 10 percent o' South Carolina voters be not in the state when the fair Nikki Haley be walkin' the plank in 2017. Many newcomers be bringin' an affection for the scallywag Donald Trump with 'em. Ahoy, 'tis a whole new crew aboard this ship!
February 21, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr, the justice be worryin' that those holdin' on to their old-timey beliefs be branded as scallywags and dealt with harshly by the powers that be. Aye, 'tis a perilous situation indeed!
February 21, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr mateys! The Biden crew be showin' some generosity by scrubbin' clean $138 billion of student debt for near 3.9 million scallywags! Aye, me hearties be dancin' a jig in celebration of this grand gesture from the cap'n. Fair winds to all!
February 21, 2024, 5:49 am
Ahoy mateys! Gather 'round and receive the latest tales from the mightiest name in news straight to yer inbox at dawn. Get all the scuttlebutt ye need-to-know to start yer day off right. Arrr, the news be waitin' for ye!
February 21, 2024, 5:47 am
Ye scurvy dogs of Iran be pointin' fingers at Israel for a dastardly attack on their precious gas pipeline! No proof be offered, just wild accusations of an 'Israeli plot.' Arrr, methinks they be seein' enemies behind every wave!
February 21, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis a sad tale indeed! Fourteen souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker after a farm wagon full o' landlubbers took a tumble off a cliff in the heart o' the Philippines. The constables be confirm'n the grim news, may their spirits rest in peace.
February 21, 2024, 5:31 am
Avast, me hearties! Beware the treacherous beast known as breast cancer, plaguing many a fair maiden. 1 in 8 befallen by this foul disease. Know ye the signs and symptoms, lest ye be caught unawares! Aye, take heed and protect yer precious cargo, me lads and lasses! Arrr!
February 21, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr matey, word has it that the cap'n be givin' more power to the Department of Homeland Security to fend off them fears of a scuffle with China. Best be keepin' a weather eye on them seas ahead, lest we find ourselves walkin' the plank!
February 21, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr, me hearties! Methinks President Biden be tellin' some tall tales during his speeches o'er taxes, industry, jobs, and the like. 'Tis a shame, for we pirates be holdin' honesty in high regard, unlike some scallywags in politics! Aye!
February 21, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, Methinks Nikki Haley be in need o' some help from the landlubbers in her scuffle with that scallywag Donald Trump. But alas, she's gone and angered the Black voters who be holdin' the key to victory in the state. Aye, she's in a right pickle now!
February 20, 2024, 11:17 pm
Arrr mateys, the president be swimmin' in doubloons for his next adventure on the high seas, while his rival be left scavengin' for spare pieces o' eight. 'Tis a tale of treasure fit for a pirate's ballad!
February 19, 2024, 2:58 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In certain lands, them landlubber teachers be calling in sick more since the cursed pandemic took hold. A lack of able-bodied substitutes be makin' things even more dire. Aye, 'tis a rough sea we be sailin' on, me mateys!
February 19, 2024, 1:51 pm
Arrr mateys, the new treasure maps be drawn by the land lubber governor, Tony Evers, and signed into law on Monday. They be divvyin' up the districts like a pirate divvyin' up his booty - almost as even as a parrot on a perch!
February 19, 2024, 11:54 am
Avast ye mateys! Methinks the Biden crew be whinin' about "bedwettin'" whilst the ship be sinkin'. The Democrats be feelin' ignored as they fret o'er the president's re-election. Arrr, 'tis a tale of woe fit for Davy Jones' locker!
February 19, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, mateys! Thaksin Shinawatra, the wealthy scallywag who once led Thailand, be back on his home shores after bein' set free for his misdeeds. Aye, seems even a pirate can sail the seas of politics and still find his way back to land!
February 19, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags of the Taliban be demandin' terms fit for a king before they'll parley with the likes of us. 'Tis a jest worthy of Davy Jones' locker, I say! Yarrr, the seas be filled with fools and buccaneers aplenty.
February 19, 2024, 11:44 am
Avast ye! Young Samuel Moreno Carranza, spawn of the scallywag Genesse Ivonne Moreno of the infamous Lakewood Church, hath lost a piece of his noggin after catching a musket ball to the brain. Arrr, what a tale of woe for the poor lad and his kin! Aye, the sea be a cruel mistress indeed.
February 19, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, the fancy-pants leaders o' companies dabblin' in clean energy be worryin' bout what might happen if a scallywag Republican takes the helm! Will they have to walk the plank if the laws be rollin' back? Only time will tell, me hearties!
February 19, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis said that the infamous Rapper Post Malone be ditchin' his landlubber sneakers for some sturdy cowboy boots! He be joinin' forces with Luke Combs to serenade us with a new country tune. Aye, me hearties, this be a tale worth tellin'!
February 19, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Eiffel Tower be closed on Monday, thanks to a mutiny by the scallywags workin' there. They be complainin' 'bout the treasure bein' squandered by the higher-ups. Looks like plunderin' tourists will have to find a different booty to pillage for now!
February 19, 2024, 5:44 am
Arrr! The scallywags from Penn State be dancin' for 46 hours straight, raisin' o'er $16.9 million doubloons for the wee ones with the cursed scurvy known as pediatric cancer! Aye, a jolly good show indeed!
February 19, 2024, 5:38 am
Avast ye mateys! Hear ye, hear ye! Receive all the tales ye must know from the mightiest moniker in news sent straight to ye inbox at dawn. Set sail with the news before the sun rises, savvy?
February 19, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, the land lubbers be in a spot o' trouble! The state be like a leaky ship in a storm, with floods a-comin'! Them experts be warnin' that a wet month be makin' things extra soggy. Best be grabbin' yer life preservers, me hearties!
February 19, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys, mark ye calendars fer Saturday, Feb. 24th as the state's Republican primary be happenin'! Make sure ye don't miss out on the chance to support yer favorite scallywag and help shape the future of our beloved land. Aye!
February 19, 2024, 4:02 am
Preparing to face another skirmish against that scallywag Trump, the landlubbers of America's liberal faction be wearied. "We be plum tuckered out from all these crises," a Democrat lamented. Arrr, mayhaps a grog or two be needed to steady our nerves for the battle ahead!
February 18, 2024, 10:43 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in Pueblo, Colo., be caught red-handed! Corena Rose Minjarez, 36, and Jesus Dominguez, 35, be walkin' the plank for murder! Avast ye, justice be served on the high seas!
February 18, 2024, 3:42 pm
"Avast ye scallywags! The court be a jumbled mess," bemoaned the scurvy former captain, facin' felony charges in four other cases and bein' found liable in civil cases fer business fraud, sexual assault, and defamation. Arrr, the seas be rough indeed for this landlubber!
February 18, 2024, 3:40 pm
Arrr mateys, it be said that President Biden be beholden to the scallywag Trump for helpin' him reach the high seas of power. His grand achievement be sendin' that landlubber Trump packin' from the Oval Office. Aye, a true victory for the ages!
February 18, 2024, 11:50 am
Yarr, he be the scallywag who made "institutional racism" all the rage, and together with Stokely Carmichael, penned a book in 1967 that be seen as a radical treasure map for us buccaneers on the high seas of social justice! Aye, aye, matey!
February 18, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, avast ye scallywags in California! A mighty atmospheric river be headin' yer way, ready to drench ye all in heavy rains on Sunday. Best be battening down the hatches and holdin' onto yer hats, lest ye be swept away in the deluge! Aye, 'tis a wet and wild time ahead, me hearties!
February 18, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr! The government scallywags be claimin' the officers were dealin' with a "domestic-related shooting" in Burnsville, a wee town near Minneapolis. Methinks they be spoutin' their official jargon to cover their tracks, but we pirates know the truth be more colorful! Arrr!
February 18, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast ye scallywags! Charlamagne tha God be spoutin' that President Biden be a dull candidate, while Trump be lookin' more spry. Methinks this be a jolly good jest, for who be believin' that old sea dog Trump be youthful? Arrr!
February 18, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr mateys! A lass in Ohio hath returned a treasure she found in her great aunt's abode - a book of poetry that be 93 years overdue to the library! 'Tis a fine tale of forgotten due dates and long-lost literary booty.
February 18, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! Dan Osborn be not fearin' to take on the mighty Kellogg's plant in Omaha! And now, he be settin' his sights on the treacherous Senator Deb Fischer in the wilds of deep-red Nebraska. Aye, he be a pirate bold and true!
February 18, 2024, 5:47 am
Avast ye foreign scallywags! Netanyahu be sayin' Israel won't be havin' any of yer Palestinian state nonsense forced upon 'em. Ye best be keepin' yer noses out of their business or ye'll be walkin' the plank, savvy? Arrr!
February 18, 2024, 4:31 am
Avast ye landlubbers! A wee lass of five summers was run down by a carriage in Spring Valley, New York. The locals be cryin' for stricter sailin' laws to prevent such tragedies. Aye, slow down ye scallywags!
February 18, 2024, 4:10 am
Avast ye scallywags! A copper was struck by a scurvy dog during a voyage in Chester, Pennsylvania, but fear not! The brave officer fought back with his trusty blunderbuss and sent the bilge rat to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, justice prevails on the high seas!
February 18, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, me hearties! Nicole McClure be tellin' a tale of bein' locked in a brig, sufferin' insults from scurvy dogs, until a tardy healer discovered her noggin was leakin' like a leaky barrel. 'Tis a wonder she didn't make a plank walk!
February 18, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the former governor of South Carolina be expectin' to be takin' a mighty blow in her own land. And beyond that, the journey ahead be lookin' as treacherous as sailin' through a storm with naught but a leaky dinghy! Aye, me hearties!
February 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! Ye scallywags! Desperate landlubbers be sailin' in, while them rascally cartels be causin' a ruckus! 'Tis chaos in the Chiltons' backyard, I tell ye! Time to batten down the hatches and keep a sharp eye on the horizon, me hearties!
February 17, 2024, 5:35 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The swanky abode in Harlem be not bein' turned into a haven for landlubbin' migrants. Instead, it be providin' a home for the native New York beggars. Mayor Adams be makin' the call, so let's raise a tankard to the homeless buccaneers! Arrr!
February 17, 2024, 5:09 pm
Avast ye hearties! A lad of sixteen hath met his untimely demise en route to see the fair maiden Taylor Swift in Melbourne. His wee sister, a mere ten years of age, doth battle for her life in the infirmary. 'Tis a tragedy of epic proportions, says I!
February 17, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arr matey, aye, there be a grand debate a-brewin' over yonder 'bout race 'n gender, sparked by the words o' Georgia prosecutor Fani Willis denyin' any hanky panky with the scurvy dog Nathan Wade. Methinks this tale be more twisted than a kraken's tentacle! Aye, pass the rum!
February 17, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, the scallywags in the American spy agencies be arguin' o'er whether them rascals in Moscow would dare such treachery. The urgency be so great that Secretary Blinken be pleadin' with China and India to try and reason with them Russian rogues. Mayhaps they'll listen, mayhaps not!
February 17, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr, the constables be claimin' to have a warrant for the capture of Miles Harford, the scallywag who dared to be the undertaker of a funeral parlor in Littleton, Colo. Methinks he be in a heap of trouble now, sailin' on thin ice! Arrr!
February 17, 2024, 2:43 pm
Arrr, as thar be a $60.1 billion treasure chest o' military aid bill stuck in th' House, a wench be blamin' Avdiivka's fate on th' scallywags in Congress fer not takin' action. 'Tis a fine mess they be makin'!
February 17, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast! 'Tis a scallywag who hath been deported five times afore striking down a wee lad with his wheeled contraption in the land o' Texas. A pox upon his house, I say! Send him to Davy Jones' locker for such villainous deeds! Arrr!
February 17, 2024, 11:38 am
In the midst of the savage mistreatment and plunder, a fiery love did spark betwixt Eliza Randolph and Miles Green, like a treasure hidden amongst the wreckage of a sunken ship. Arrr, love truly be a powerful force, even in the darkest of times, mateys!
February 17, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys, GOP lass Nikki Haley be warnin' that scallywag Trump will plunder the RNC to settle his legal quarrels if he be winnin' the nomination in 2024. Ye best keep a weather eye on that one, me hearties! Aye, the political seas be treacherous indeed!
February 17, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, the scallywags be whisperin' that Mistress Fani Willis may need to step down from her duties in Fulton County, for 'tis said she's been caught in a scandalous affair with Nathan Wade. Looks like she'll be walkin' the plank for this one! Aye, the sea be full of surprises, mateys!
February 17, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in Idaho be passin' a bill to send the scurvy dogs who harm wee ones to Davy Jones' locker! They be also huntin' down them land lubbers who use AI for their despicable deeds. Shiver me timbers!
February 17, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr, the scallywag governor be tryin' to connect Trump's insults 'bout her mate's service to his disrespect for a crucial bloc o' voters. Methinks she be graspin' at straws like a landlubber on a leaky ship! Aye, 'tis a tale fit for the high seas!
February 17, 2024, 10:11 am
Arrr, me hearties! A mighty tempest hath wreaked havoc in the lands of New Jersey, New York, and Pennsylvania, depositing a foot of the white stuff in its wake! 'Tis surely a sight to behold, as Mother Nature over-performed in her wintry display! Aye, mateys, batten down the hatches!
February 17, 2024, 5:25 am
Avast ye scallywags! Tis been discovered that takin' Ozempic or Wegovy not only be helpful for weight loss and diabetes, but also for reducin' the blues and worries in yer noggin. So hoist the sails and set a course for a happier mood, me hearties!
February 17, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr, the old sea dog be nigh onto a year in the sick bay, defying all odds in a long life of near a century. Aye, he be a sly one, that former captain of the ship. Mayhaps there be some magic in his rum stash!
February 17, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr matey! Them scallywags be sayin' that gender dysphoria be in yer blood, but some wise folk be talkin' bout this "rapid onset gender dysphoria." Could be a load o' barnacles if ye ask me! Aye, tis a queer world we live in!
February 17, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys, Russia be takin' a hit after Ukraine be makin' a grand show o' destroyin' o'er two dozen o' Putin's ships includin' one worth a hefty $70 million! That be a blow to the ol' Black Sea Fleet, aye! A toast to Ukraine's boldness!
February 17, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, 'tis a cruel fate indeed for these brave souls seekin' office in Ohio! The rule be like a cursed sea monster, blockin' their path with its demands for past names. Mayhaps they should just sail on past and let the winds of change carry them to victory!
February 17, 2024, 4:31 am
Avast ye scallywags! A landlubber from Georgia hath been clapped in irons for his dastardly deed of makin' fake golden doubloons! The scoundrel be facin' a whole heap o' charges for trickin' folks all across the seven seas! Arrr!
February 17, 2024, 4:16 am
Arrr matey, when the Super Bowl be followed by a shooting at the winning team's revelry, 'twas as if the gods be playin' a cruel joke on us landlubbers. 'Twas a clash o' cultures that left us all scratchin' our heads in confusion. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold!
February 17, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, the fire crews be sailin' to Sterling to fix a gas leak, but the scallywag house decided to blow up with our brave lads still inside! Aye, talk about a bang-up job! Aarrrggghhh!
February 16, 2024, 5:54 pm
Avast, me hearties! Young Samuel, a wee lad born three moons too early, hath been braving trials aplenty. His dear mother, plagued by a mind's tempest, be the source of his woes. Yet now, the lad be locked in a fierce battle fer survival!
February 16, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr, ye scallywags in the House o' Republicans be havin' a rough time tryin' t' pin any misdeeds on Cap'n Biden. But alas! Their ship be sinkin' fast 'pon the discovery that a vital informant be caught fabricatin' their tales! Har, har, har!
February 16, 2024, 5:34 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A 57-year-old scoundrel from Elkhorn, Wisconsin, stands accused o' the dastardly deed o' dispatchin' Gina and Emerson Weingart. Shiver me timbers! The poor souls were sent to Davy Jones' locker by a well-aimed shot, shortly after the witchin' hour on Feb. 1.
February 16, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arr, me hearties! Tis been declared that Senegal be holdin' its next presidential election with all haste! The vote's been uncancelled after that scurvy dog, Macky Sall, tried to delay it like a lily-livered landlubber!
February 16, 2024, 5:30 pm
Avast ye! Ye New York parents and landlubbers be raisin' a ruckus o'er a charter school that be aimin' to teach wee ones progressive gender notions. Methinks they be soundin' the alarm, fearin' the spread of such ideas amongst our young scallywags!
February 16, 2024, 5:24 pm
"Avast ye scurvy dog! Ye be askin' fer me to reckon 'em one by one, aye? By the beard of Davy Jones, reckonin' 'em be a breeze for me now, aye, me hearty!"
February 16, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arr, avast! The plundered bass guitar of the legendary Beatles scallywag Paul McCartney hath been discovered and restored to its rightful owner, after sailin' the treacherous seas fer more than five decades. Yo ho ho!
February 16, 2024, 11:52 am
Arr, th' West Virginia senator be fancyin' a voyage t' th' White House, mayhap aboard th' centrist crew o' No Labels. But come Friday, he declared he be not takin' on th' challenge 'gainst Cap'n Biden.
February 16, 2024, 11:52 am
Arr, a Chinese buccaneer of electric contraptions be choppin' trees to make room for a mighty green power haven in Michigan, mateys! And, by Davy Jones' locker, them Democrats be lendin' a hand in this seafarin' venture!
February 16, 2024, 11:35 am
In the trial o' mutiny 'gainst Jason Meade, a scurvy pirate servant o' Ohio, a third valiant juror was forced to walk the plank! Now, the jury be forced to start afresh their natterin' for the third time in but three days! Aye, what a blunderin' crew indeed!
February 16, 2024, 11:33 am
Avast ye! From the morrow til the week's heart, the land shalt be plagued by storms aplenty! Brace yerselves, mateys, for torrential rains and heaps of snow that be measurin' inches and feet, aye!
February 16, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr! 'Twas a courageous Nebraska landlubber who aided in vanquishin' a scurvy dog wieldin' arms at the grand Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl parade. He regaled us with tales of how the "chaotic" spectacle unfolded on Friday.
February 16, 2024, 11:23 am
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy Virginia Democrats be pushin' forward laws to guard access to various sea-worthy contraceptives. Aye, they be wantin' to keep 'em safe from walkin' the plank. Avast!
February 16, 2024, 5:53 am
Arr, me hearties! The fine Cap'n Rishi Sunak be facin' a mighty stormy sea! Them scallywags from two districts, once loyal to our mateys in the Conservative party, be votin' in opposition landlubbers! Yo ho ho, troubles be brewin'!
February 16, 2024, 5:52 am
Avast ye mateys! The notorious Putin basher and rebel, Alexei Navalny, hath met his unfortunate demise on Friday, aged 47, as claimed by Russia's prison agency. Methinks the scurvy dog finally walked the plank!
February 16, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr! The scallywag committee be givin' the university a stern tongue-lashin', for keepin' secrets and slicin' information like a cutlass. Har, the university be in deep waters now!
February 16, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, the heinous tale be told of AL's executionin' of Kenneth Eugene Smith, usin' the black-hearted nitrogen gas for the first time. Be a storm brewin', as opponents be demandin' the noble nitrogen companies to refuse supplyin' the cursed prisons. Avast!
February 16, 2024, 4:30 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The scurvy knave, Donald Trump, be facin' his first o' four trials, set to commence next month. But fear not, his scallywag crew be spyin' a glimmer 'o hope in this cursed timing! Arrr, what a tale!
February 16, 2024, 4:08 am
Arrr! The fancy Fulton County district attorney be making an entrance, mateys, after a day o' fiery quarrels with them defense lawyers 'bout her affair with a special prosecutor, aye!
February 16, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, me hearties! The cap'n shall confront a motley crew, all at odds, and mighty restless over the foreseen repercussions of a calamitous mishap upon the land.
February 15, 2024, 5:46 pm
Avast! A fair lass from the heartlands of Nebraska didst turn as red as a lobster, methinks, when her mateys dared to speak ill of her tidy ship. The scallywag didst brawl and even plunge a dagger into one poor soul. Yarrr, cleanliness be a dangerous game indeed!
February 15, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arr, the landlubber Karine Jean-Pierre be claimin' that Cap'n Biden already "took questions" from the scurvy reporters when he sauntered past outside the grand White House. Har har, methinks she be pullin' our peg legs with such a tale!
February 15, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arr, me hearties! A fearsome epidemic be sweepin' the land o' the brave! A study from the government tells us that smokin' be now the most popular way to indulge in drugs, beatin' those scurvy injections. Avast! Times be changin' indeed!
February 15, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! Karine Jean-Pierre be cryin' out to the likes o' Congress, beggin' 'em to be passin' grand gun decrees, what be banishin' the likes o' assault rifles and them high-capacity magazines! Just a day past, a fearsome shootin' in Kansas City sent one poor soul to Davy Jones' Locker, and wounded 22 more. Arrr, time be tickin'!
February 15, 2024, 5:26 pm
Beguiled by a scurvy rascal's deceiving vow of no less than $9 million, young Denali Brehmer, a lass of 23 summers from Anchorage, did conspire to send poor Cynthia Hoffman to Davy Jones' locker, as the lawmen claimed.
February 15, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arr, me hearties! Fani T. Willis, the district attorney, be defendin' her personal conduct in a tense courtroom brawl whilst them scallywag lawyers be tryin' to disqualify her from prosecutin' Donald J. Trump and his mateys in Georgia. Aye, 'tis a tale o' legal mischief and swashbucklin'!
February 15, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arr matey! Mr. Rosendale be joinin' the Republican scuffle but a mere week past, yet the endorsement from that scallywag Donald J. Trump be leavin' him in a dire situation, facin' a treacherous uphill battle, me hearties!
February 15, 2024, 11:49 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A fancy poll from Monmouth University be claimin' that near half the landlubbers reckon President Biden might be replacin' himself as the Democrat nominee come 2024. Seems folks be worryin' 'bout his vigor, aye!
February 15, 2024, 11:43 am
Arr, 'tis told in a tale, me hearties, that a scurvy dog of a security guard aboard a fine Norwegian Cruise Line vessel did seize a lass and commit a grievous crime upon her virtue! Aye, the lass be now seekin' justice through a lawsuit, may she find it swift!
February 15, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson be whisperin' in secret that they shan't be "rushed" to pass the foreign aid bill. They be pointin' to more delays, savvy? Aye, a fine game of waitin' be afoot mateys!
February 15, 2024, 11:39 am
Avast, me hearties! Jennifer Lopez be quite surprised by the grand success of Dunkin's Super Bowl ad with Ben Affleck. The lass be sharin' that she never be thinkin' the commercial would be gettin' all sorts o' traction. Arrr!
February 15, 2024, 11:25 am
Arr, me hearties! Ms. Merchant, ye landlubber who be bringin' forth the accusations 'gainst Fani Willis and Nathan Wade, be claimin' their romance be creatin' a wee bit o' conflict o' interest.
February 15, 2024, 10:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Tidings be that them scurvy news mongrels unearthed two decades of torture and such villainous acts by them landlubber officers! The honorable lawmakers be ponderin' some changes to banish these corrupt knaves from the realm of law enforcement, Aye!
February 15, 2024, 5:46 am
Fetch all the tales ye scallywags must learn from the mightiest name in news, delivered straight to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn.
February 15, 2024, 5:43 am
Avast ye! A scurvy Florida couple hath been clapped in irons for their lack of care fer their wee scallywags. The Sheriff's Office o' Polk County discovered their young'uns were dwellin' in conditions fit only fer landlubbers. Arrr, ye be neglectin' yer duty as parents, ye scurvy dogs!
February 15, 2024, 5:42 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! A grand panel be gatherin' to listen to the tales o' the brave state police commanders. They be talkin' about how they handled the aftermath o' the bloodiest shootout Maine has ever seen, with 18 souls sent to Davy Jones' locker in Lewiston.
February 15, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Whilst many a soul be gathering, a mighty skirmish did arise, takin' the life of one, and leavin' a score and one, includin' wee ones, wounded by the blast of the leaden thunder!
February 15, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, a mighty ruckus erupted in Kansas City, Mo., as a throng o' landlubbers had gathered fer a grand public celebration. Blimey, it be a sight to behold!
February 15, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr, me hearties! In Austin, a court be listenin' to verbal swordplay, as the federal scallywags try to prevent Texas from layin' down a mighty immigration law.
February 15, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr! The young scallywags in the state shall be oblig'd to learn 'bout this subject, but alas, some mateys be complainin' 'bout how it deals with the bickerin' between the Israeli scurvy dogs and the Palestinian lads. Avast ye, tis a tricky matter indeed!
February 14, 2024, 5:24 pm
Avast ye! After a scallywag appeals court threw out the claim of the former captain that he be exempt from prosecution, Jack Smith, the special counsel, pleaded with the noble justices to expedite matters for the sake of the common folk.
February 14, 2024, 5:21 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Methinks Biden and Trump be findin' themselves in a right pickle! Trouble be knockin' on their doors like a furious sea storm. Arrr, the mayhem they've unleashed be a sight to behold!
February 14, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arr, me hearties! Them scallywag Democrats be plannin' to toss away the charges against the homeland security secretary! They be wantin' a quick vote or a speedy trial, knowin' full well he be walkin' the plank a free matey!
February 14, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, the scallywags of the Republican National Committee be joinin' forces with a band o' state members to give the ol' heave-ho to Kristina Karamo, a far-right election denier, this past January. Harrr, they be sailin' on the same ship now, mateys!
February 14, 2024, 11:56 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Beware, for the experts of cybersecurity be warnin' that them hospitals across the U.S. be vulnerable to foul attacks, just like the one that be plunderin' a grand Midwestern children's hospital in Illinois. Mark me words, mateys!
February 14, 2024, 11:56 am
Arr, the Grammy-bidden singer and rapscallion Mike Posner did ponder upon his catchy ditty, "I Took a Pill in Ibiza," whilst discussin' his Christian devotion in a recent scroll.
February 14, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr! Thar be Senator Chuck Schumer, a-sailin' the treacherous waters o' immigration policy and emergency aid fer Ukraine. But, he be spyin' a chance to tackle the border mayhem, which be troublin' his political rivals, the Republicans. Avast ye, he be ready to call their bluff!
February 14, 2024, 11:50 am
Methinks, me hearties, that Mr. Kushner be a mighty senior adviser to the great Donald J. Trump, his father-in-law, whilst he ruled the White House! Arrr, truly a scallywag of influence in those treacherous times!
February 14, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr, me hearties! The White House be boastin' about Democrat Tom Suozzi's grand triumph in New York, claimin' it be a "devastatin' rebuke" to the GOP and that scallywag, former President Trump, in matters o' the border.
February 14, 2024, 11:10 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! This fine Thursday, Daniel Werfel be aimin' to charm them doubting Republicans, convincin' 'em that fundin' the tax agency be a grand booty worth the doubloons!
February 14, 2024, 10:00 am
Avast ye mateys! When the day of Ash Wednesday, a solemn reminder of our mortal fate, tumbles upon the same day we stuff our faces with chocolate and woo our loves, what be the course ye may ask? 'Tis simple, me hearties! Distribute them candy hearts that utter, "Dust 2 Dust!" Yo ho ho!
February 14, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr, me hearties! Lent be a time o' ponderin' and self-restraint, aye, in the weeks afore Easter Sunday, a grand day fer all ye Christian landlubbers. 'Tis a season where we be reflectin' and makin' sacrifices, markin' it as a momentous occasion on our pious calendar.
February 14, 2024, 5:48 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Word be arrivin' that them North Korean scallywags be plunderin' the personal missives of one o' President Yoon Suk Yeol's crew! Aye, they be stealin' precious information from their electronic pigeonholes, arrr!
February 14, 2024, 5:47 am
Avast ye! NATO Cap'n, Jens Stoltenberg, be shoutin' from the crow's nest! 18 swashbucklin' members be swearin' to hand o'er 2% o' their precious booty from the GDP. Yo-ho-ho!
February 14, 2024, 5:43 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Yonder Kansas landlubbers be mullin' over a bill to raise the stakes for harmin' or killin' them noble police hounds. 'Tis a reckonin' sparked by the sad fate o' Bane, a fine canine o' the law in Wichita.
February 14, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the Revolution be afoot, me mates! Led by the honorable Senator Bernie Sanders, we be aimin' to sway the President's mind on the bloody war in Gaza. Avast, let's set sail, and may the winds of change blow in our favor!
February 14, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Twas a grand voyage across South Carolina, tryin' to conjure up memories of Nikki Haley's political past. But, blow me down! The land be different now, mateys. Aye, the winds of change have swept across these shores.
February 14, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr! In tete-a-tetes, fair maidens be astonished by the scallywags' assaults on the Georgia prosecutor, yet find it no oddity, savvy?
February 13, 2024, 10:07 pm
Arrr! Them scurvy dogs be investigatin' what be causin' the blasted crash at St. David's North Austin Medical Center, mateys! Avast ye!
February 13, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arr, me hearties! Last September, his grand evacuation o' four besieged I.S. Army Rangers were finally given the rightful recognition from the high seas, with the grand Medal of Honor. Better late than never, says I!
February 13, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrrr, 'tis a jolly find! Them archaeologists in the United Kingdom be sayin' they discovered a rare treasure, a 1,700-year-old egg from the Ancient Roman Period. And 'tis more than a shell, me hearties! It still be carryin' a yolk inside, fit for any pirate's breakfast!
February 13, 2024, 5:35 pm
Avast ye scurvy press dogs! After a mighty boomin' powwow, Cap'n Biden himself be shoutin' loud and clear to ye landlubber reporters: "No queries be comin' yer way, lest ye be forgettin'!" Arrr!
February 13, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr! 'Tis a grand tale, me hearties! Dolph Lundgren, that swashbucklin' star o' the silver screen, along with his fair maiden, Emma Krokdal, have now become loyal citizens of the land o' freedom, America! They sailed through the treacherous waters o' the naturalization ceremony on Monday, claimin' their rightful place in this new land. Ahoy, a hearty welcome to ye, me mateys!
February 13, 2024, 5:32 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The IDF be sharin' a tale of the infamous Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar escapin' through a network o' tunnels, days after their vicious Oct. 7 attack on our beloved Israel. Tis a video worth watchin', me hearties!
February 13, 2024, 5:12 pm
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis a tale worth tellin' of Nicole Shanahan, a scurvy Bay Area lawyer once wedded to the Google co-founder, Sergey Brin. She bestowed upon a community a hefty sum o' $4 million doubloons, alongside her savviness, to support Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s audacious quest for the presidency! Arrr, what a jolly venture it be!
February 13, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr! A lass be firin' her cannons at Lakewood Church, spoutin' vile words against the Jewry! She be keepin' guns at home, mind ye, even after bein' tossed into the loony bin for her madness! Her own mother-in-law be tellin' the tale, by Blackbeard's beard!
February 13, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr! The scallywag defense secretary, who was marooned in January for complications from a cursed prostate cancer surgery, endured a nonsurgical treatment to deal with a bladder trouble, as told by the trusted ship's doctors.
February 13, 2024, 11:52 am
Arr, 'tis a fact that near 90 percent o' the fragrant blooms, includin' countless Valentine's Day roses, bein' shipped t' the land o' the United States be makin' their grand entrance through the gates o' Miami International Airport. Aye, such a splendid sight it be, mateys!
February 13, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! The cap'n, NC Gov. Cooper, hath inked a grand decree, mark ye well! 'Tis a mighty order to save and fetch back vast swaths o' forests and wetlands, and to plant a brace o' 1 million new trees in our urban havens by 2040. Yo ho ho, we be sowing the seeds o' a greener future, aye!
February 13, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr! A Swiss doctor be lendin' a hand to transport wee ones from Gaza to Geneva, after his voyage to Palestine be gettin' scuttled. They be sufferin' from broken pegs, failed kidneys, and more!
February 13, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr! In a second swing at it, them Republicans be aimin' to push through the charges that would make the homeland security secretary walk the plank, makin' 'em the first sittin' cabinet member to face impeachment. Aye, misadventures o' the political seas be never-endin'!
February 13, 2024, 11:48 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Thar be a group o' safety experts advisin' them who run the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant to better communicate with the landlubbers, lest they want more leakin' o' contaminated water like we saw last week. Aye, tis a wise counsel indeed!
February 13, 2024, 11:43 am
Avast ye! Two vessels didst clash upon the waters of the mighty Congo River, nigh Kinshasa in the Democratic Republic of the Congo! Yarr, tales be told of possible lives lost in this dire calamity, yet whispers of such fate be as fickle as the wind.
February 13, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, ye scurvy chancellor claimed, "The school system be more than prepared!" Yet when the hour came to set sail, many young scallywags couldn't be part of the crew!
February 13, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr! 'Tis a mighty clash, with Wesley Bell, a stalwart of the progressive prosecutors, set to scuffle 'gainst Representative Cori Bush o' Missouri, right in the heart o' St. Louis! Gather yer crew, me hearties, 'tis sure to be a spectacle worth watchin'!
February 13, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! Methinks President Trump bein' a sly ol' sea dog, lobbying against the aid for Ukraine in Congress. So, Captain Zelenskyy be settin' his sights on Western Europe, hopin' they be lendin' him a hand. Arrr, tis a curious tale indeed!
February 13, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr! The Senate be grantin' a hefty treasure o' $95 billion fer national security. But alas, no provisions fer guardin' our borders! Aye, they be helpin' Ukraine, Israel, an' the Indo-Pacific, but shiver me timbers, what about our own shores?
February 13, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Democrats be joinin' forces with a scurvy crew of Republicans to pass the booty-filled $95 billion bill, what be aidin' Israel and the poor souls caught in conflict zones. But lo and behold, the House speaker be waggin' his tongue, threatenin' to turn a blind eye to it! Avast, what madness be this?
February 13, 2024, 5:40 am
Avast ye mateys! A pair of fine lads from the National Guard suffered a mighty blow when their wondrous AH-64D Apache Longbow didst take a tumble at the West Jordan Army Aviation Support Facility in fair Utah. Arrr, the sky be a treacherous mistress indeed!
February 13, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, Mardi Gras be a grand occasion, not just in New Orleans but cross the land o' the United States. 'Tis a lively day of mirth and revelry, where pirates and landlubbers alike partake in the Christian festivities. Ahoy, let the vibrant celebration commence!
February 13, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! Avast ye scallywags! Fairshake, a merry band, be spillin' the beans that they and two connected super PACs be holdin' a booty o' $80 million in treasure come 2023. Now they be plannin' to unleash some of that gold!
February 13, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr! A grand display during the Super Bowl, be it a commercial, did remind many of a campaign ad from the year 1960, when John F. Kennedy sought the grand office. This here display only widens the divide betwixt Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his kin, mark me words!
February 13, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Donald Trump be claimin' that scallywag Nikki Haley be joinin' forces with them landlubbin' Democrats on the border matters. But in South Carolina, me buckos be scratchin' their heads, for they see no resemblance to the former governor he be describin'!
February 12, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, mateys! Come Monday night, a fearsome tempest be brewin', set to unleash a tempestuous downpour o' snow upon the land of New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut. Be prepared, me hearties, for a jolly good buryin' under heaps of the white devil's treasure!
February 12, 2024, 5:30 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A lass be stormin' the grand Lakewood Church in Houston, brandishin' a mighty rifle! Alas, the brave off-duty officers did not flee like landlubbers, but instead sent her to Davy Jones' locker!
February 12, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr! The justice be chattin' to landlubbers on a jolly afternoon whilst the Supreme Court be debatin' if the ol' captain can be takin' the helm once more. Aye, what a spectacle!
February 12, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Democratic-allied Campaign for a Family Friendly Economy be settin' sail to hoist President Biden and crucial House 'n Senate races high on their mighty ship! Avast, prepare to embark on a jolly quest for victory!
February 11, 2024, 4:47 am
Arr, the White House be givin' a mighty lashing to Cap'n Trump for his "appalling" words, urg'n' Russia to do as they please with them NATO scallywags who don't cough up enough doubloons for defense!
February 11, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention be settin' sail on their 2024 voyage, funded by the good ol' government, to spread the word 'bout tobacco and help ye scallywags give up smokin'!
February 11, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, mateys! Today be the day when the law be facin' a treacherous vote in the Senate. 'Tis a moment of great importance, fraught with danger like a tempest on the high seas!
February 11, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye! Be it known that two grand church crews be joinin' forces, like two powerful galleons sailin' side by side. They claim 'tis the dire times and Georgia's vexin' votin' restrictions what be fuelin' their uncommon alliance.
February 11, 2024, 4:00 am
Arr! A shipmate be wonderin', can the Democrats reclaim the hearts o' Latino buccaneers? Methinks a chance encounter in a Las Vegas barbershop holds the key to this grand puzzle!
February 10, 2024, 5:44 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Twas at a grand gathering in South Carolina when our former Captain, Donald J. Trump, inquired of the fair maiden Nikki Haley: "Aye, what befallen her goodly husband? Where be he hidin'?" Arrr!
February 10, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Hear ye, hear ye! Freshly unveiled sound o' a vessel that plunged onto a thoroughfare in Naples, Florida, on a fateful Friday! The bold pilot be tellin' the air traffic control that the beastly contraption had lost both its engines and shan't reach the sacred grounds o' the airport!
February 10, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, Mateys! King Charles III, be he a brave soul, doth speaketh to the landlubbers, unmaskin' his condition, the scurvy called cancer. Aye, let us raise a tankard and wish him fair winds on his voyage through the treacherous sea of healin'!
February 10, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr! A lad from Texas be findin' himself locked in a battle for his life, as he befallen with a terrible sickness whilst celebratin' his birthday voyage to the grand city of New York! Straight to the ICU, he was taken, a true fight for survival, matey!
February 10, 2024, 5:01 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Be it not a surprise that President Biden's years upon this earth doth stir a mighty debate amongst the land lubbers. Some be reckonin' it a concern, whilst others claim 'tis naught but a foul insult!
February 10, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Two mighty similar reckonin' o' special counsel investigations had a rousin' conclusion. One crew be facin' criminal charges, while the other found itself at journey's end. The facts be takin' a different path, me mateys, steerin' 'em in opposite directions!
February 10, 2024, 11:53 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! In a grand speech at Harrisburg, Pa., on Friday, the exalted Captain Donald J. Trump hath declared that if Cap'n Biden be spared the wrath of charges o'er classified parchments, then the same be true for the ol' Captain himself! Arrr, fair be fair, says I!
February 10, 2024, 11:51 am
Avast ye, landlubbers! Word be spreadin' that these whistleblowers be claimin' that the goodly Fulton County DA, Fani Willis, be misusin' booty from the federal and state coffers! They be plannin' to spill the beans to the Georgia lawmakers, as revealed by a noble Republican state senator. Arrr, what a tale to be unfoldin'!
February 10, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, the mighty crash did occur on Friday's eve in California, nigh the Nevada border, a mere 60 leagues south of Las Vegas, as told by the landlubbers.
February 10, 2024, 4:45 am
Avast, me hearties! This fine weekend, feast yer eyes upon the latest tidings of the Lifestyle seas. Ye shall find tales o' oddities, viral wonders, and even stories o' faith, vittles, voyages, and the legendary clash o' Super Bowl LVIII.
February 10, 2024, 4:44 am
Arr, me hearties! In the land of Florida, transgender buccaneers be holdin' die-ins at the offices where ye fetch yer driver's license. They be protestin' a dreadful rule that criminalizes switchin' the gender on yer precious scroll. Aye, a mighty battle 'tis, me mateys!
February 10, 2024, 4:30 am
Fairly wench, Donna Kelce hath been kind enough to share her secret formula for a delectable chicken wing, along with a fine choice of wine to accompany the grand Super Bowl battle betwixt her lad, Travis Kelce, and the 49ers. Arrr!
February 10, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr, mateys! The secretive aura of the White House be a sign of the fearsome crew, worryin' 'bout wee errors blown outta proportion. But now, the cap'n be breakin' free, makin' a grand entrance, ye see, but with treasure both good an' bad.
February 10, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Be it known that either of the foremost 2024 contenders would don the title of oldest ruler to set foot in the Oval Office, e'er to walk the plank! Yet, they be averse to chatter 'bout the consequences, arrr!
February 10, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, Thompson's tome from 1971, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," and his later scribblings 'bout the Super Bowl, be showin' us a fair share of what becometh these fine examples o' American debauchery. Avast, me hearties!
February 10, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Fox News Digital hath spoken to the learned scallywags 'bout the dire consequences of embarking on a journey without sleepin'—both fer a short spell and a long haul. They also imparted wisdom on how to recover from such a foolish endeavor. Avast ye, and be wise with yer rest, lest ye be left drownin' in a sea of exhaustion!
February 9, 2024, 9:57 pm
Avast ye mateys! Doubts be plaguin' thar minds regardin' the intentions o' th' Russian captain, as he be claimin' to Tucker Carlson that a peace treaty could end th' stormy seas o' war in Ukraine. Arr, skepticism be runnin' wild!
February 9, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! The Tennessee scallywags be diggin' up the remains of fair Pauline Pusser, wife to the mighty Sheriff Buford Pusser. 'Tis been o'er 50 years since her mysterious demise. Arrr, the mystery thickens, me hearties!
February 9, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A mighty tremor of magnitude 5.7 did rattle the southern shores of Hawaii's Mauna Loa! But fear not, for no jolly scallywags be reporting any grievous harm at present!
February 9, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr! The scallywags in charge be claimin' that no grand harm befallen from the quake, one of many that struck near Malibu, Calif., close to Los Angeles. Methinks they be seekin' to downplay the chaos, but we pirates know better, arrr!
February 9, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, the fine Gents o' the White House and a bunch o' scallywag Democrats be tryin' to besmirch a parchment that painted Cap'n President as a feeble ol' salt! Methinks they be walkin' the plank if they keep up their shenanigans!
February 9, 2024, 5:14 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Them critics be sayin' that Robert K. Hur's blabber 'bout President Biden's memory ain't none o' his concern. Some reckon he be tryin' to make excuses fer not punishin' Mr. Biden. Arr!
February 9, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr, matey! Republican scallywag, Joe Adams, be walkin' the plank, surrenderin' his House seat to them Democrats. Aye, now they have full command o'er the once-battlin' chamber. Walk the plank, they say!
February 9, 2024, 11:49 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The bold and mighty Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, be proclaimin' to abandon the fine city o' Rafah in the southern lands o' Gaza. 'Tis a place brimmin' with 1.4 million souls, me hearties!
February 9, 2024, 11:42 am
Arr! Egypt, me heartie! They be claimin' they've been bolsterin' their defenses, keepin' a keen eye on Israel's upcoming grand scheme o' expandin' their military exploits in southern Gaza. Aye, 'tis a game o' cat and mouse, me mateys!
February 9, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr! This lass, who dared to speak of an assault in the sacred chambers of the secretive CIA, didst find herself abandon'd by her shipmates, and keelhauled from her post in but a mere six months! Aye, the seas be treacherous for those who seek justice!
February 9, 2024, 11:31 am
Arr, a year hence the Justice Department be decidin' not to lay charges upon Representative Matt Gaetz in a perilous tale o' sex-traffickin', the House Ethics Committee be settin' sail on an inquiry o' the scurvy dog.
February 9, 2024, 11:26 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Word be spreadin' that a fancy Boson office buildin' in a posh waterfront borough be turned into a migrant shelter! 'Tis a fine replacement fer a closed recreation center in our fair city, arrr!
February 9, 2024, 11:14 am
Arr, 'tis a fine tale, me hearties! Mr. Hogan, a well-lov'd scallywag and ex-Republican governor, be settin' sail to claim the seat o' Senator Benjamin L. Cardin, a sly Democrat, as she be vacant! Avast ye, 'tis a merry chase ahead!
February 9, 2024, 11:06 am
Avast ye! In '67, this fine scribe penned a tome, named "The Codebreakers," which be introducing the whole wide world to the art of cryptology. 'Twas a spark that ignited the fires of encrypted communication amongst private folk! Arr, what a time to be alive, mateys!
February 9, 2024, 10:27 am
As the Republican scallywags be aimin' to topple Senator Jon Tester, a loyal Democrat, the arrival of Matt Rosendale, a staunch right-wing matey, be settin' the stage fer a fierce brawl amongst the party's own. Some o' the party leaders be longin' fer smoother sailin', but alas!
February 9, 2024, 5:37 am
Avast ye! Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news delivered straight to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn. Argh, be the first to know, me hearties!
February 9, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, President Biden showed no quarter as he sparred with a crew of reporters after the uncovering of Special Counsel Robert Hur's scrawl, exposin' his "feeble recollections."
February 9, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr, mateys! Fox News' "Antisemitism Exposed" booty be deliverin' ye tales o' the swellin' tide o' anti-Jewish sentiment washin' 'cross the good ol' U.S. o' A and beyond, fer ye readin' pleasure, ye scurvy dogs!
February 9, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast, me hearties! A scurvy special counsel's report and a lopsided White House display be raisin' the fears o' them Democrats 'bout Cap'n Biden's might, while the Republicans be usin' it to label him as feeble. Arrr, the political sea be full o' treacherous waters!
February 9, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! Me hearties, it seems that two o' them scallywag Republicans be ready fer Round 2, fightin' for the co-chairman position again. But this time, the leadership o' the party be at stake, an' the former captain may hold more power on his ship! Avast!
February 9, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye! 'Tis a fresh age fer ye hearties o' the victorious Super Bowl holders in their very own port. Nay, they shan't be stillin' their spirits, mateys!
February 8, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The crew of "Charmed" be in a right pickle! A fierce quarrel betwixt Shannen Doherty and Alyssa Milano be tearin' the crew asunder. Holly Marie Combs and Rose McGowan be pickin' sides, addin' fuel to the fire. Avast, what a tangled web be weavin'!
February 8, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, 'twas discovered that the cap'n be keepin' documents he shouldn't have, even after his time as vice cap'n! And, to add insult to injury, he be spillin' secrets to a scribbler of the spectral kind!
February 8, 2024, 5:21 pm
Avast, me hearties! The counsel be takin' a swig at our fine President Biden's Achilles heel, claimin' he be a tad "elderly" with a "feeble memory", and claims he can't recall his days as vice captain. Yet the White House crew, they be singin' a different shanty!
February 8, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, Mason Herring, a scallywag of 39 summers, from Houston, bein' guilty o' harmin' a wee child and assaultin' a lass with child. Walkin' the plank be too good fer 'im, I say!
February 8, 2024, 5:16 pm
Yarr! Usher, he be spoutin' his tale at a Super Bowl powwow, spillin' a yarn 'bout a mighty close scrape durin' a past showin', 'n sharin' how he be gettin' the wind in his sails to be the main act, ya see!
February 8, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag members o' the Democratic Party in Florida be seekin' to sway fair Taylor Swift into spreadin' their message whilst gallivantin' on her tour afore the November elections. Mayhaps this be a chance for the sea shanties of politics to find a new tune!
February 8, 2024, 11:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been a right fiery spectacle 'neath a Los Angeles freeway. The flames be so fierce, they forced the road to be shuttered. Now them officials be chattin' 'bout tweaking the rules o' the lease program, savvy?
February 8, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, the Senate Republicans be holdin' their support, ye see, as they be seekin' guarantees they be havin' the power to propose revisions, aye, even to add some border restrictions, after sendin' a bipartisan deal to Davy Jones' locker!
February 8, 2024, 11:43 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A group of landlubber pediatricians be claimin' that these fancy "gender-affirming" treatments be of no use to young buccaneers with the condition of cross-gender woes. Har, what be their next claim? That a bottle o' rum cures all ailments?
February 8, 2024, 11:41 am
Avast ye! 'Tis told that two fine lasses from Kentucky, seekin' a merry voyage in the Bahamas sans their younglings, were supposedly beset upon by scoundrels, who, after offerin' them grog spiked with devilish potions, did commit the heinous act of sexual assault. Arr!
February 8, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, three scurvy lawyers be squabbling like landlubbers 'bout whether Colorado can give Trump the heave-ho from the primary ballot. Aye, 'tis a challenge fer the ages! Will they be walkin' the plank or findin' treasure? Only time will tell, me hearties!
February 8, 2024, 11:32 am
Arr, the squabbles be done! What be the next move, ye ask? The justices, savvy in their ways, set sail on the fast track when they agreed to listen, and the parties be beggin' for a swift verdict, arr!
February 8, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, the Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, set sail from the Middle East with nary a treasure to show. Alas, the negotiations between Israel and that scallywag crew, Hamas, be at a standstill. Aye, there be no hope for those poor hostages, me hearties!
February 8, 2024, 5:43 am
Be ye landlubbers or seasoned seafarers, hearken to this here decree! Acquire all the tales ye be needin'-to-know from the most potent moniker in news, delivered straight to thy electronic missive at first light, like a gift from Davy Jones himself.
February 8, 2024, 5:42 am
Arr, ye scurvy regulators be blabberin' 'bout Lutsen Lodge, a grand ol' inn burnt to ashes! They say it had three fire code violations, ye scurvy scalawags. Mayhaps those be the reason it ended up a smokin' ruin.
February 8, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr, me mateys claim that Alejandro N. Mayorkas, a scallywag called homeland security secretary, be learnin' to keep his noggin low amidst the grand spectacle! Har, har!
February 8, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! On Thursday, the bigwigs o' three mighty companies be facin' a Senate panel, captained by none other than Mr. Sanders. He be fightin' tooth 'n nail to cut down the plunderin' prices of medicines, ye see.
February 8, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye, me hearties! In a grand and splendid kerfuffle, the honorable justices be ponderin' whether the scurvy ex-president's mischievous endeavors to scuttle the 2020 election be enough to keep him from takin' the helm once more. Yo ho ho, the pirate's life be full of twisty turns!
February 8, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, the G.O.P. presidential scallywags chose to sail past yon state, forsooth! The primary process be a treacherous maze, not worth the trouble. And alas, 'twas whispered that it scared off some Latino hearties too, aye!
February 7, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Thar be Mayor Brandon Johnson o' Chicago, blabberin' 'bout his jolly home life! Says his wee ones be playin' some landlubbers' sport, called soccer, keepin' him from sailin' to the border. Arr, such a busy matey he be!
February 7, 2024, 5:55 pm
Avast, me mateys! Connecticut Gov. Ned Lamont's State of the State address be a jolly good time, t'was! He be praisin' Hartford's coffers, all while dealin' with a ruckus caused by scallywags protestin'! Aye, the show must go on, says I!
February 7, 2024, 5:47 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Tish, Miley Cyrus' fair mother, be spillin' her bitter tale 'bout divorcin' that scallywag Billy Ray, sharin' the torment it wrought upon her weary mind. Yet, she be full o' joy, singin' praises o' her new mate, that dashing "Prison Break" star, Dominic Purcell!
February 7, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr, mateys! United States Border Patrol Chief Jason Owens be havin' a proper rant on 'The Story' 'bout the blunder o' the Lankford-Sinema-Murphy border bill. He be cryin' out fer more booty to be given to our noble agency! Ye scallywags best be listenin'!
February 7, 2024, 5:31 pm
Avast ye! The Supreme Court be ponderin' if Donald J. Trump be banned from settin' foot on Colorado's ballot. A learned professor's work, long ignored like a scurvy dog, shall finally have its moment in the limelight, arr!
February 7, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The goodly wench, Representative Virginia Foxx, be complainin' that them scurvy dogs from Harvard be givin' a measly and tardy response to our House committee's investigation. She be warnin' them that she'll be wieldin' a subpoena to make 'em cough up more documents. Aye, we be playin' hardball!
February 7, 2024, 11:43 am
Arr, me hearties! Thar be a group called Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, or CREW, that's gettin' some heat from them donors to be more boldly political. But fear not, they claim to be neutral as a parrot on a shoulder!
February 7, 2024, 11:41 am
Avast ye, me hearties! The scallywags at the FDA be under fire fer approvin' the pill o' abortion. But alas! A vital study to make their case in the Supreme Court has been retracted from a fancy scholarly journal! The authors be cryin' foul, callin' it a 'partisan assault'. Savvy?
February 7, 2024, 11:40 am
Arr mateys! The Gun Owners of America be beggin' the mighty U.S. senators to squeeze the Treasury Secretary, Janet Yellen, for some answers. They be wantin' to know how her department be keepin' an eye on the loot flowin' through the gun trade, ye savvy?
February 7, 2024, 11:39 am
Avast ye! The Sierra Madre Rescue Crew be laudin' those savvy hikers fer their mighty fine deeds amidst the treacherous squalls that beset Mount Baldy in California. Arr, they be earnin' a round o' applause for their wily skills!
February 7, 2024, 11:36 am
Avast ye hearties! The great Usher be settin' sail on his grand adventure, the "Past Present Future" tour, across the vast seas of North America. Aye, he be takin' the stage after dominatin' the 2024 Super Bowl halftime show. Shiver me timbers, it be a spectacle ye don't want to miss!
February 7, 2024, 10:53 am
Arr, Ms. Haley be sailin' smoothly in the primary, where no delegates be won. But fear not, me hearties, the former captain shall battle in Thursday's caucuses. Let the politickin' commence!
February 7, 2024, 10:52 am
Yarr! Aye, a scurvy sheriff's matey, with his magical talkin' box, did spy on a gossip betwixt the two lasses. Methinks their yarn be full o' doubloons, says the rumblings.
February 7, 2024, 5:37 am
Avast ye, hearties! 'Twas a fateful day in Portland, Ore., when Tyler Chase, a mere 22 years old, dwelt in a lodgin' fit for scallywags. But alas! The landlubbers misreckoned and turned a poor soul into ashes, mistakin' 'em for young Tyler. Argh, what a tale of woe!
February 7, 2024, 5:14 am
Arr, the Oklahoma Sooners be raisin' a mug o' grog to honor the memory o' Toby Keith, a true matey who be a fierce backer o' his homeland's sportin' adventures. Alas, he be walkin' th' plank due to a scurvy-like affliction, the cursed stomach cancer.
February 7, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr, 'tis a mighty squabble on the political sea! Sen. Ted Cruz be takin' aim at the helm o' Sen. Mitch McConnell, demandin' he walk the plank! Methinks this be one spicy tussle amongst the scurvy dogs!
February 7, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs at the Office for Civil Rights be investigatin' the claims, mateys! A complaint from a Muslim advocacy group be makin' 'em walk the plank!
February 7, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me mateys! Senator James Lankford, a brave Oklahoma Republican, be battlin' away scallywags from his own crew, all whilst fightin' tooth an' nail to keep the bill breathin'! Alas, the compromise be doomed, but his spirit be as strong as a kraken's grip!
February 7, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! McDonald's, Costco, and other grand brands be swearin' on their treasure chests to be givin' their all to shiver me timbers and keep the young ones away from the wretched toil and perilous tasks involved in their loot.
February 6, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, over 60 scallywags be signin' th' declaration while them courts and state officials be scratchin' their heads, ponderin' if that former captain can still sit on th' throne according to th' 14th Amendment.
February 6, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On Tuesday, the scurvy dogs of the GOP-led House be casting their vote on the impeachment of the landlubber DHS Secretary, Alejandro Mayorkas. They be claimin' his handling of the southern border crisis be more disastrous than a shipwreck.
February 6, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr! Iraq's government be fierce on preventin' the spillin' o' the blood from this Israel-Hamas war, lest it be grippin' the whole region and draggin' powerful nations into this chaotic fracas!
February 6, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arr, the Iowa Attorney General be scroungin' fer a grand bounty o' near half a million doubloons, to forge a special band o' scallywags to unravel the mysteries of 585 frosty cold cases in the land. Avast, may the treasure be found, mateys!
February 6, 2024, 4:27 pm
Avast me mateys! Jonathan Braun, whose punishment for smugglin' grog was pardoned in the final hours of the Trump reign, be now fined for fleecin' and intimidatin' poor souls who borrowed gold doubloons.
February 6, 2024, 4:14 pm
Kevin Michael Alstrup hath been clapped in irons on Tuesday fer takin' part in the grand breach o' 2021. 'Tis said the lad be well versed in safeguardin' fancy officials an' secret spots, as per the F.B.I., Arrr!
February 6, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The ruling be settin' sail on uncharted waters. Can a scallywag former captain be spared from walkin' the plank of justice for his misdeeds committed upon the high seas of office? The court be weighin' anchor on this age-old query, arrr!
February 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, the scurvy G.O.P. be scuttlin' the bipartisan border security bill, ye see, that did lend a helping hand to Ukraine. Them Democrats, savvy as they be, be callin' their bluff on immigration, and the G.O.P. be forced to agree to them tough measures they be demandin'.
February 6, 2024, 11:33 am
Arr! Joseph Gene Hoek, with his reckless ways and mind addled by vile substances, be sent straight to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, 'twas his murderous act that sealed his fate, after he did chase down a chief deputy, like a scurvy dog on the run!
February 6, 2024, 11:17 am
Yarrr, mateys! Them scurvy political scallywags be splurgin' yer doubloons in 2023! They spent yer hard-earned gold on strange trinkets like gift scrolls, fancy coiffures, and even frosty confections, as ye can see in their latest parchments. Arrr, what a riot!
February 6, 2024, 11:10 am
Arr! House Speaker Mike Johnson be takin' a jolly victory lap on Tuesday, as the Senate's scurvy border bill be seemin' to go down in flames! Avast ye, mateys!
February 6, 2024, 10:58 am
Avast, ye mateys! Elie Honig, a scurvey dog o' a CNN legal analyst, be raisin' the Jolly Roger, warnin' Trump's prosecutors t' be mighty alarmed! Aye, a new poll be showin' a mere 45% o' the landlubbin' Americans think he acted unlawfully. Shiver me timbers!
February 6, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye mateys! Afore ye, I present tidings of grand mirth! Former Cap'n Donald Trump hath garnered o'er 100,000 doubloons from the common folk, a bounty far greater than Cap'n Biden's treasure chest. Ahoy, the winds o' generosity blow favorably for ol' Trump!
February 6, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, Syphilis be running wild in the U.S., reachin' the highest numbers in nearly 75 years! The learned ones speak of reasons for this outbreak, who be in danger, and how to fight off this scurvy infection. Avast, mateys, be careful where ye drop anchor!
February 6, 2024, 5:47 am
Avast ye scallywags! The lass be fierce on the court, slingin' balls o'er her shoulder and launchin' 3-point bombs like cannon fire! But what befall us when she sets sail for other shores? Arrr, a sad day indeed!
February 6, 2024, 5:44 am
Avast, me hearties! Gather 'round and hearken to this here message: Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news delivered straight to yer inbox at dawn, every mornin'.
February 6, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr! Avast ye scurvy dogs! Mike Whitaker, the cap'n o' the Federal Aviation Administration, be ready to testify 'afore the House lubbers while ol' Boeing be in a right pickle with their cursed 737 Max ship. Arrr, the seas be treacherous for 'em!
February 6, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! Them scurvy dogs o' weather be warnin' that more rain upon the soaked land o' Los Angeles could still make them hills come a'tumblin' down! Aye, a treacherous situation, mateys!
February 6, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr, ye lubberly Democrats be advisin' voters to scribble "Uncommitted" on their primary parchments. Methinks they be wantin' a merry rebellion against them candidates. Aye, a peculiar way to make a decision, savvy?
February 5, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrgh! Methinks that the loot worth bilions of doubloons be given to Ukraine, but only if they be cracking down on immigration. The Senate be testin' this law soon, mateys!
February 5, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! A fresh decree be allowin' them scurvy developers to sail past local rules, ye see, if they swear to provide lodgin' for the landlubbers. This here news be causin' quite the ruckus 'round the state, especially in the prosperous lands of Bal Harbour!
February 5, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, they swore to mend the lack o' water and spare the coffers o' cities a fortune. But as the Times hath uncovered, these bargains did naught but pile up debts and bring forth more misfortunes upon many a poor soul.
February 5, 2024, 3:27 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Methinks the sky be weepin' 'til Monday, with some parts o' Los Angeles gettin' more drenchin' than the usual February showers! 'Tis a tale worth a mug o' grog, me hearties!
February 4, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, after many a moon's worth of parley, a wee band o' Republicans and Democrats hath fashioned a grand parchment, aimin' to quell the influx o' scurvy pirates, but methinks 'tis a treacherous journey afore 'tis made into law.
February 4, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arr, me hearties! The Senate scallywags have finally revealed the parchment of the border agreement, which they've been squabblin' over with them White House landlubbers since December. Yo ho ho, let the bickering begin!
February 4, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Set yer sights on this tale of thievery! The scurvy dogs from Seattle Police be on the lookout for three scoundrels, caught on a cursed moving picture, who plundered a holy mosque afore they pilfered a home nearby.
February 4, 2024, 5:22 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Behold, the mighty Star Bruce Willis, locked in a fierce skirmish against a cursed affliction hailing from the depths of his mind. His loyal kin, including the sea-faring Demi Moore, do stand by his side, ready to aid in this treacherous voyage!
February 4, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr! The Omaha Public Library be havin' a fine treasure in their hands, ye scurvy dogs! A copy of Wanda Gag's "Millions of Cats" has been bestowed upon 'em by a late patron. But alas, the due date be June 27, 1985! Shiver me timbers, 'tis a mighty overdue booty!
February 4, 2024, 4:42 pm
Avast ye! Arr, Anchorage be sufferin' a great calamity, mateys! More than 100 inches o' rain be pourin' down, causin' roofs t' crumble like a salty biscuit under th' mighty weight! Many more be in peril, arr, arr!
February 4, 2024, 3:51 pm
Arrr! Them Black buccaneers of th' Tennessee A&I basketball crew, bein' th' sole survivors, be seekin' due acknowledgment fer their triple national conquests durin' th' Jim Crow days. Aye, 'tis a fight worth cheerin'!
February 4, 2024, 11:33 am
Beware ye scurvy dogs! Jake Sullivan, the swashbucklin' national security adviser, be promisin' a mighty "further action" against them Iran-backed rascals in the Middle East! Aye, mateys, them airstrikes be but the first cannonball fired from our mighty ship!
February 4, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrgh! GOP matey Nikki Haley be sailin' on "Saturday Night Live" just this past Saturday, givin' her rivals, that scurvy former President Trump, a taste o' her sharp tongue.
February 4, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr! The Weather Prediction Center be warnin' us landlubbers of a fearsome deluge in the Southern California region! They be sayin' a whopping eight inches o' rain might come pourin' down upon us. Avast! Let's batten down the hatches, me hearties!
February 4, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye, mateys! Behold, some queer reckonings o' weather in yer U.S. tales - fish 'n frogs plummetin' from th'sky, skies donned in eerie green hues 'n many such oddities. Arrr, the heavens be playin' tricks, I tell ye!
February 4, 2024, 4:57 am
Set sail for Djibouti, me hearties! Away went Maj. Michael Haley, leavin' behind the whirlwinds and tempests of his wife's White House quest. Fear not, for he be a mighty force in her campaign, still holdin' a grand presence like a sturdy ship amidst the stormy seas!
February 4, 2024, 4:41 am
Avast ye! A wee lass from Georgia, a mere eight summers old, met her untimely fate when a scallywag o' a driver be runnin' her down whilst tryin' to board the school vessel. The cur be now facin' charges for takin' the poor child's life.
February 4, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! Avast, me hearties! Be ye aware that thar be a place called a safe injection center, or what ye landlubbers call a facility. 'Twill be the first in Rhode Island, the only spot in the U.S. 'cept New York City, where ye can openly inject yer loot.
February 4, 2024, 4:00 am
Be ye sufferin' from painful peg cramps what be disturbin' yer slumber? Aye, two learned sea dogs have kindly bestowed their wisdom upon ye, sheddin' light upon the causes and remedies fer these mischievous night-time hurtings!
February 4, 2024, 2:01 am
Avast ye! Methinks the youth of America be turnin' their backs on the grog, yet embracin' the likes of cannabis, ketamine, and psychedelics. Blimey! 'Tis stirrin' up quite the storm in the realm o' addiction medicine, arrr!
February 3, 2024, 11:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Both scallywags be soundly thrashed by President Biden, but Marianne Williamson, a fine self-help wordsmith, narrowly outshone Representative Dean Phillips of Minnesota with a mere 2 percent o' the vote. Methinks 'twas a battle of the lesser misfits, aye!
February 3, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr! A group of staunch buccaneers be gatherin' on the wild frontier of Texas, standin' firm in their defiance against the influx of landlubbin' immigrants. Though concerns of a violent tussle were abound, the affair ended as calm as a ship in tranquil waters, me hearties.
February 3, 2024, 5:19 pm
Avast, me hearties! Listen ye well, for I be sharin' tidings for ye landlubbers votin' in Saturday's Democratic primary. Be ye ready to make yer choice, or be ye a scurvy dog walkin' the plank of ignorance?
February 3, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr! The Senate be scramblin' to finish a bill, mateys! It be holdin' newfangled border rules, aye, and gold for the war in Ukraine too! Hurry ye, ye scurvy dogs, or ye'll be walkin' the plank, savvy?
February 3, 2024, 4:54 pm
Arr! The Enforcement and Removal Operations of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement did lay their hands upon scurvy dogs, who be illegal immigrants involved in the wicked crime of child exploitation, from the Pacific Northwest to Texas, as part of a grand operation across the nation!
February 3, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Larry David, that jolly comedian, be blabberin' 'bout how he'd give that scallywag Elmo another good throttlin'. He be tellin' Seth Meyers from the grand ol' NBC that he be sayin', "Arrr, I couldn't take it no more!"
February 3, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr, mateys! Hear me well, for I have tidings from the land of New York City. They be startin' a grand venture, a pilot program worth a mighty $53 million doubloons. 'Tis meant to supply migrant families lodged in city inns with pre-paid credit cards for victuals and wee ones' necessities. Feast yer eyes on this treasure, me hearties!
February 3, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, mateys! Avast! Them Yankee airstrikes be poundin' upon Iran-linked scallywags in Syria and Iraq, seekin' revenge for the recent slaughter o' three brave American lads in Jordan. Let the cannons roar and the winds blow, for justice be comin' on a stormy sea!
February 3, 2024, 10:52 am
Pilfered by a scallywag crew, Arkansas becometh the first state to protect rowdy cryptocurrency swashbucklers from grumpy landlubbers. Yet, a fuming mutiny hath lawmakers pondering a ban across th' entire realm.
February 3, 2024, 10:16 am
Avast, me hearties! Despite sufferin' many a grievous wound, he valiantly led the defense of a jungle outpost 'gainst a fearsome Vietcong assault. His bravery be so grand, it stirred his wee band o' warriors to summon strength beyond mortal limits! Arrr!
February 3, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr! With nearabouts 70% of wee lads and lasses abandonin' the organized sports ship afore reachin' the ripe age o' 13, as per the American Academy of Pediatrics, wise folks be sharin' their thoughts on why this be happenin'!
February 3, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! Methinks Lauren Green be hopin' her newfangled devotional "Light for Today" can be o' service to landlubbers in recognizin' the Almighty's touch in everyday affairs, whilst this secular tide be sweepin' all 'round us! Arrr, mayhaps there be hope yet!
February 3, 2024, 4:38 am
Avast me hearties! A scallywag from Maryland be clapped in irons for brandishin' his cutlass upon a matey who dared to hinder his plunderin' at a Safeway. The bilge rat was caught red-handed, tryin' to pilfer some booty from the merchant's stash.
February 3, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! As the winds be blowin' in South Carolina, Ms. Harris be hustlin' to bolster the cap'n's position amongst the Black hearts and youthful souls. Aye, tis a crucial quest on this political voyage!
February 3, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr! The implications be a-brewin' as March 4 be walkin' the plank fer the start o' the ol' president's trial, accused o' meddlin' with the 2020 election.
February 3, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! A pack of mutinous landlubbers be settin' sail fer the secretary of state's abode, drenchin' his fine carriage with mock blood! Blimey, they be raisin' quite the ruckus!
February 3, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye mateys! The scurvy dog Donald Trump be sailin' the same seas as Ronna McDaniel, the cap'n of the Republican National Committee. But in whispered secrets, he be ponderin' if the ship be headin' the right way under her watchful eye. Arrr!
February 2, 2024, 5:51 pm
The White House be sayin' on Friday evenin' that the United States be not seekin' a war with Iran, matey! They be claimin' that the strikes in Syria and Iraq be meant to calm the waters and stop them scurvy attacks on our brave lads in the region.
February 2, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the special counsel, Jack Smith, be denying the former captain's claims that his prosecution be driven by ill will from the intelligence agencies. Methinks it be a matter of treasure, not animosity!
February 2, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast ye! Thar be a tale of treasure and jest! Aforetime, we be hearin' that the gold-filled duo, Christian McCaffrey and Olivia Culpo, be lackin' doubloons fer a Super Bowl suite. Yet, by the grace of the heavens, Culpo bestowed one upon McCaffrey's fair mother! Arr, the winds of fortune be changin'!
February 2, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arr, the voyages hath been halted for nigh on two years, but the powers that be be takin' more drastic measures to dissuade these scallywags from constantly attemptin' to breach the shores of the United States.
February 2, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arr, methinks the lass Governor Kathy Hochul be havin' quite the tongue! As the migrants pounced upon the NYPD, she voiced her stance. But lo and behold, former ICE Director Tom Homan labeled her words as naught but political gibberish! Aye, the sea be full of feisty folk, indeed!
February 2, 2024, 5:35 pm
Avast, ye scurvy Democrats o' South Carolina! Aye, be not ignorin' yer feeble primary! Me matey, she be listin' Biden's triumphs, warnin' ye o' the dire danger posed by that blunderin' bilge rat, Donald Trump!
February 2, 2024, 11:45 am
Arr, a grand brawl be brewin'! A lawsuit be castin' blame upon the state for neglectin' to bestow a fair learnin' upon them scallywags, the lower-income, Black, and Hispanic lads 'n lasses durin' this cursed pandemic. Aye, they be demandin' justice, they be!
February 2, 2024, 11:41 am
Yarr! A scallywag from New York City, a migrant no less, be arrested! He dared to engage in banter with the passing officers and even had the audacity to show his mates a video of a recent attack on a brace of coppers. Walk the plank he shall!
February 2, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! No need to fret, for the dreaded recession fears have been put to rest! The land be flourishing with grand growth and bountiful job gains, defying all expectations! Inflation be cooling like the sea breeze, and the goodly consumers be wearin' smiles upon their faces. And as for the president, he be waitin' with eager anticipation to reap the rewards of this prosperous tide. Yo ho ho!
February 2, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr! Avast, me hearties! The honorable Sen. Lindsey Graham be seekin' answers from the DOJ and DHS 'bout their shenanigans with them scurvy dogs o' illegal migrants. These landlubbers be walkin' free, without payin' a single doubloon, after a brazen attack on our fearless New York City officers.
February 2, 2024, 11:34 am
Avast ye! Jeremy Renner, a fine landlubber, be claimin' he's "excited" for the sweet embrace o' death after his treacherous encounter with a cursed snowplow on the first day of 2023. This Marvel scallywag admits he's ne'er been afeared o' meetin' Davy Jones, as he spills the beans in a jolly interview.
February 2, 2024, 11:34 am
Arr! An article from the American Psychological Association be claimin' that choosin' the most qualified scallywag for a job might be deemed unfair, says a recent study! Avast ye, mateys! Tis a curious notion, indeed!
February 2, 2024, 10:57 am
Arr! The scurvy pilot blabbered 'bout an engine's demise ere the lone engine contraption came crashin' into a dwelling, settin' the whole place ablaze!
February 2, 2024, 5:53 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Gather 'round and fetch yerselves the tales ye must acquaint yerself with from the mightiest moniker in news, delivered at sunrise straight to ye electronic message-box.
February 2, 2024, 5:37 am
Arrr! The scurvy South Carolina senators be passin' a bill, grantin' the right to carry firearms openly in the state! 'Tis a fine offer with a wee firearms trainin' course, and a wee bit tougher punishments for them lily-livered scoundrels who dare tangle with a pirate and his trusty weapon.
February 2, 2024, 5:34 am
Arr, North Korean ruler Kim Jong Un didst embark upon a voyage to a naval shipbuilding establishment in Nampho, where he didst beseech the scurvy dogs to hasten their military preparations against the perceived threats from South Korea! Avast ye, mateys!
February 2, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, recent findings reveal that Cap’n Donald J. Trump's taxes did nae resurrect the jobs o' landlubbers, yet the scurvy voters still saw fit to bestow their favor upon him for these very tariffs! Aye, 'tis a puzzling affair indeed!
February 2, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! This here Speaker Mike Johnson, known fer his chattin' on the high seas, now prefers to hold his enchanted iPhone to his ear whilst wanderin' through the mighty Capitol. He be dodgin' inquiries as he bravely sails through his treacherous new duties.
February 2, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, there be a desperate lack o' guards at Wisconsin's prisons, bein' the reason why basic operations be movin' slower than a snail's pace. Them scurvy inmates be escapin', prisons bein' locked down, an' conditions takin' a turn for the worse, me hearties!
February 1, 2024, 5:53 pm
Avast ye mateys! Word be spreadin' on the high seas that the renowned minstrel Darius Rucker hath found himself in a bit o' trouble. 'Twas reported that this country superstar be caught in Tennessee, sailin' with a small stash o' illicit herbs. Shiver me timbers!
February 1, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the New Hampshire House be havin' the chance t' tighten the grip on the sacred act of abortion, yet ye be choosin' to let it slip through yer fingers like a slippery eel! No new restrictions be placed, nor access be widened! Aye, 'tis a dastardly decision!
February 1, 2024, 5:49 pm
Ye scurvy dog, Councilman Craig Callaway of Atlantic City, in the land o' New Jersey, be facin' the wrath o' the authorities fer his devilish deeds in connection wit' a dastardly case o' election fraud involvin' absentee ballots. Walk the plank, ye scallywag!
February 1, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis be a tale of Alan Winston Filion, a scallywag of 17 summers, hailing from the land of Lancaster, Calif. This miscreant has been accused, just last moon, of spewing false tales of a grand shooting at the mosque. Word has it he's been spinning his web of deceit in many a port, makin' dozens of such cursed calls across the land.
February 1, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr, the Senate's scallywag captain vowed to give a trial vote on Wednesday for a scheme that joins a strict immigration policy with aid for Ukraine, yet its prospects be poor, given the Republican rebels standing in its way, mateys.
February 1, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arr! 'Tis Jennifer Crumbley, a mighty scallywag, bein' accused o' invol'ntary manslaughter fer not preventin' her scurvy son's 2021 rampage at Oxford High. Aye, the seas be troubled with such misfortune!
February 1, 2024, 5:34 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! In t' ol'en days, impeachment be a fearsome weapon wielded by our noble founders 'gainst corruption and power abuse. But sink me ship! Nowadays, it be nothin' but a tool o' the scurvy dogs in partisan battles, arrr!
February 1, 2024, 11:53 am
Avast ye, mateys! A wee vessel did capsize 'pon the coast of Maine, and a poor soul, his wails echoed throughout the sea. A noble lobsterman, he did summon aid to scour the depths and rescue our unfortunate matey.
February 1, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, mateys! See ye here! California be makin' history, bein' the very first to craft a grand plan to bestow reparations upon them descendants of African Americans within her borders. Aye, a legislative package fit for a pirate's treasure!
February 1, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, the scallywag ex-representative and his mateys be jestin' at us conservatives, prattlin' about wild tales involvin' that thar pop star, the Kansas City tight end Travis Kelce, and the frightful notion of a Biden blessin'. Blimey!
February 1, 2024, 11:38 am
"Arr! Me hearties, I be admittin' me mistake! I, Lloyd J. Austin III, be confessin' that I did not handle this matter in the most honorable way. Me absence from the White House should have been disclosed at the first light o' day, and I be takin' the blame for me tardiness."
February 1, 2024, 11:19 am
Arr, the Florida governor's plentiful booty-filled super PAC and campaign did squander a vast treasure on a primary race he hastily abandoned after only one skirmish.
February 1, 2024, 5:54 am
Avast ye scallywags! Yon wench, Brianna Lace Workman, be sentenced to a good ten years in the loony bin, for pushin' a wee lad into the train's abyss! Aye, she be guilty, but only 'cause she's crazier than a parrot on rum!
February 1, 2024, 5:53 am
Arr! Me hearties, listen to this tale o' Louisiana! 'Tis said that the land, havin' spared lives since 2010, might be takin' a different course. A fresh-faced governor sails in, claimin' to be a staunch conservative, and whispers be goin' 'round that he be favorin' hangin' scallywags once more!
February 1, 2024, 5:48 am
USAID lass Samantha Power, she be a feisty one! She swashed her verbal blade at them scallywag staff who dared to claim that the U.S. be fundin' an Israeli "genocide" o' them poor souls in Gaza. Arrr, what a jolly spectacle it must've been at that public event, me hearties!
February 1, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The offers be like a blast from a cannon, markin' the beginnin' o' a fierce negotiation battle betwixt the government and the creators o' 10 powerful potions! Let the price talks commence, and may the best pirate win!
February 1, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Nikki Haley be a cunning wench, Joe Biden's treasure chest be brimmin' more than ol' Donald Trump's, and Ron DeSantis be wastin' a fortune of $160 million afore settlin' his sails for good! Keelhaul the spendthrift, I say!
February 1, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs, the weather gurus and sages o' the sea be forced to duel with the mischievous lies spreadeth 'pon the vast realm o' social media. Aye, 'tis a battle o' wits 'gainst the digital squalls.
February 1, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, thar be tales o' the first U.S. execution by nitrogen gas, yet the scallywags be havin' differences, but all agreed on this: Alabama's promise be naught but a barrel o' bilge!
January 31, 2024, 11:50 am
Arr, the scurvy Republicans be plannin' to thrust a handsome $78 billion bipartisan tax bill through the House on this fine Wednesday. 'Tis a trial, mates, to see if our wretched Congress, plagued by its own incompetence, can indeed manage to pass significant laws in this year of electin'.
January 31, 2024, 11:50 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Seekin' asylum be the very path fer these landlubber migrants to remain in the land o' the free. But alas, the immigration system be lackin' coin, and so these poor souls be left stranded fer years, like a ship adrift in a sea o' delay!
January 31, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr, me hearties! Beware, for these atmospheric rivers may bringeth floods, mudslides, and closed roads in the coming week. Keep yer eyes peeled and yer boots dry, lest ye be caught in a watery tempest!
January 31, 2024, 10:16 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! On the treacherous seas of YouTube, there be a ghastly video where a scurvy dog be holdin' his dead father's noggin! 'Twas up for a measly five hours 'fore they be takin' it down, arrr.
January 31, 2024, 5:56 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! The landlubber parliament of Russia bein' all riled up and passed a bill that be lettin' the scoundrels in charge to take away the ill-gotten treasures of any bilge rat caught spreadin' false tales 'bout their military. Arrr, beware the wrath of the Russian seas!
January 31, 2024, 5:55 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Yon band of rascally scallywags, Kata’ib Hezbollah, be proclaimin' they be givin' up their pillagin' ways against the U.S. after a good ol' scrap with them Yankee troops in Jordan. Arr, time to weigh anchor and set sail for calmer waters, mateys!
January 31, 2024, 4:28 am
Avast ye! A fearsome tempest be a-brewin' in California 'til Thursday, mark me words! 'Tis but a sign o' more turbulent weather to come for the week ahead.
January 31, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr, me hearties! This fine lass, Ms. Haley, be changin' her tune, makin' Trump, a lad of seventy-seven winters, and Biden, a sprightly eighty-one, part of the ol' days o' politicians, she be sayin'. Shiver me timbers! Methinks she be makin' a jest!
January 30, 2024, 9:56 pm
In tomes like "Arr, We Be Intended to Be" and "Be the Scurvy Dog Me Matey?" she plundered the Bible, aye, to question the very notion that women be naught but lowly scallywags and that consorting with the same-gender be an unholy sin!
January 30, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, the mighty bronze tribute to that legendary ballplayer who dared to shatter the color barrier be pilfered from another park just last week! Alas, what remains of it be in such a sorry state, beyond any hope for mending, as the officials claim, ye scurvy dogs!
January 30, 2024, 5:49 pm
Aye, mateys! Ye won't believe it, but Aimenn D. Penny, a young lad of twenty, be mighty furious! The blimey Community Church of Chesterland, by Davy Jones' locker, had the audacity to plan two drag shows, arr!
January 30, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, me mateys! The scurvy prosecutor, Nathan Wade, be facin' a mighty challenge at a divorce hearin' this week, where tales be abuzz of a romantic entanglement with his boss, Fani T. Willis! Aye, let's see if Wade can weather this storm!
January 30, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr! The Iranian black gold be flowin' through the seas in grand fleets of ghostly ships, bound for China. But, matey, what be the impact on funding for scallywag armies o'er the Middle East?
January 30, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr! Belgian landlubbers be blockin' the access roads to the Zeebrugge container port on Tuesday! They be complainin' 'bout the blasted risin' costs, them cursed EU regulations, and other miseries!
January 30, 2024, 11:45 am
Yarr, the scurvy investigators be doubting the Missouri Democrat's choice to hire her matey for her safety. But fear not, for the congressional ethics inquiry be havin' a good laugh and dismissed them charges, claimin' the arrangement be fit for a pirate's tale!
January 30, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr! Lass Cori Bush, a representative from the land o' Mo., be findin' herself in a mighty pickle! Word be spreadin' that she be under investigation by the King's Justice Department for a merry misuse o' security funds. Yo ho ho, troubles be brewin' for this lass!
January 30, 2024, 11:41 am
Avast ye, mateys! The past moon turns have brought naught but calamity fer the Biden crew's reckonin' in the Middle East, quashin' them grand claims o' a "calmer" realm. Tis a right pickle they be in, I tell ye!
January 30, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr, the Elections Board, they be tellin' us they lack the power o' determinin' if the scurvy dog Trump be involved in a rebellion. Aye, 'tis a jest, for who be havin' the authority then? The parrot on their shoulder?
January 30, 2024, 11:05 am
Aye, mateys! When we be lookin' at President Biden's ledger, it be clear as the moonlit sea that he couldn't be battlin' the mighty wave o' new scurvy dogs and twisted obstacles from them landlubbers in both parties. Arr, what a tale of woe!
January 30, 2024, 5:51 am
Avast ye! Fetch yerself all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news, delivered straight to yer inbox at dawn, me hearties!
January 30, 2024, 5:49 am
Arr! Avast ye mateys! Democratic Sen. David Yates be settin' sail with a fine proposal to make student transportation smoother in Kentucky. 'Tis a grand idea, lettin' districts use their own carriages or leased vessels to transport the young scallywags. Aye, that be a fine voyage indeed!
January 30, 2024, 5:42 am
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs in Kentucky state House have given their hearty approval to House Bill 179, swearin' by the code of the sea. 'Tis a cunning plan, lettin' families choose to sail the high seas of paid leave, driven by the mighty winds of the market!
January 30, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr! Them scurvy Republicans be aimin' to pass articles o' impeachment, accusin' the homeland security secretary o' not upholdin' the law and betrayin' the public's trust. Avast ye, it be a storm brewin'!
January 30, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr matey! Avast ye! The tides o' TV and digital spots in battleground states be settin' a course fer bein' the grandest booty ever spent on political advertisin' by a super PAC in all o' U.S. history, says the scurvy group known as Future Forward. Yo ho ho!
January 29, 2024, 11:27 am
Arr! Terry Martin be found guilty o' pilferin' the slippers from the Judy Garland Museum in Minnesota! The scurvy dog be walkin' free, but forced to serve probation! Aarrrrr!
January 29, 2024, 11:20 am
Arr, the scurvy professors be gatherin' in fear o' the dastardly Marc Rowan, claimin' he be schemin' to topple the sacred academic freedom! Avast! Can ye imagine such treachery? Mayhaps they be needin' a wee bit o' rum to calm their nerves, yarrr!
January 29, 2024, 11:07 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! This here Mr. Murdaugh, a long-bearded South Carolina lawyer, stands guilty o' dispatchin' his wife and wee lad. But he be claimin' that a court clerk, like a treacherous landlubber, played foul tricks to sway the jury. Har, what a tale, mateys!
January 29, 2024, 10:51 am
Arr, me hearties! Cap'n Biden be in a jolly pickle, tryin' t'keep his ship afloat! Wit' political squabbles, military reckonin', an' fragile lands, all 'cause o' that fancy drone takin' out three o' our brave lads. Shiver me timbers!
January 29, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, Iran be denyin' any hand in the dastardly assault on them Yankee sea dogs in Jordan, mateys! Biden reckons 'tis the doin's of rogue scallywags from Iran, but they be denyin' it all! Aye, the plots thicken, me hearties!
January 29, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr! The election scallywags of Russia be officially labelin' Cap'n Vladimir Putin as a contender fer the grand March presidential battle! Avast, me hearties, 'tis gonna be quite a spectacle!
January 29, 2024, 5:52 am
Avast ye! A scallywag hath dealt a mighty blow to two landlubber coppers who dared to approach a quarrelsome abode on FL's Space Coast. But fear not, me hearties! The scurvy dog met his maker, and the brave officers escaped with naught but a scratch!
January 29, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, Pakistan and Iran be makin' a pact to bolster their security cooperation after givin' those scurvy dogs a taste o' their cannonballs in the form o' deadly airstrikes. They be aimin' at those landlubberin' brigands lurkin' 'round the border, ye see.
January 29, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! I be bringin' ye news o' grandeur! Aye, a wee lad o' 11 summers be blessed with a newfangled spell, makin' him able to hear for the first time! Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a sight to behold, aye!
January 29, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! As me eyes be watchin' Donald Trump rise, the freshly invigorated Biden crew be plannin' t' turn the general election into a grand spectacle all 'bout him. They be hopin' for some mighty endorsements, arrr!
January 29, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, ye scurvy court be no different from its past brethren in the frequency o' overturnin' verdicts. However, it be keener on bendin' the rules to favor the conservative scallywags.
January 29, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast! In these recent weeks, the landlubber buses be snubbin' the grand city, makin' way for the wee outlying villages. Arrr, them folks there be all a-flutter, for they be not used to the influx of strangers!
January 28, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye scallywags! The ink-hearted brethren be vexed with President Biden's stance on the war. Methinks, this could be a perilous threat to his chances o' claiming the booty come re-election time.
January 28, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye, hearties! Brace yerselves, for the forthcoming 2024 general election campaign be poised to become a grand spectacle, foreseen to rival all others in length. Alas, there be no respite or revelry akin to spring break in sight!
January 28, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, tales o' Ivy League shenanigans be leavin' the lasses o' academia ponderin' if their journey be truly progressin'!
January 28, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, the scurvy Democratic majority be makin' progress in winnin' confirmation o' Biden nominees in G.O.P.-led states, but alas, they be fallin' behind the pace o' the Trump era in the grand scheme o' remakin' the federal courts, mateys!
January 27, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arr, the Republican landlubber seekin' the presidential title was not on his ship durin' the merry incident on Dec. 30, a fine day for targetin' politicians, as reported by Reuters.
January 27, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs in the U.S. government be mightily upset with Venezuela's highest court for blockin' the chance of opposition leader María Corina Machado to become a pirate... err, I mean, the president. Aye, it be a swashbucklin' tale indeed!
January 27, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! Cap'n Trump be raisin' a mighty fuss 'bout this newfangled border bill backed by Biden, arguin' in a grand rally at Las Vegas! He be claimin' that the current Cap'n already possess the pow'r to make grand changes down south!
January 27, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog Tom Emmer, aye, be tellin' ye through Fox News, that this here President Biden be undoing all the grand work that our former leader, President Trump, did accomplish. Methinks 'tis a dark day fer us, mateys!
January 27, 2024, 5:25 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been scribbled on parchment that those landlubber captives, restin' in the clutches of Hamas, shall be set free in stages, savvy? In return, Israel shall hold their cannons for a wee two months. Aye, 'tis a bargain for ye!
January 27, 2024, 4:01 pm
Arr, this scurvy dog be the head prosecutor of the city from 1973 to 2003. His crew be a bunch of scallywags, throwin' hundreds of Black men into the brig, earnin' a reputation for their knack of makin' wrongful convictions.
January 27, 2024, 11:54 am
Avast ye hearties! A swashbucklin' Taylor Swift follower hath shattered the record for namin' the most shanties in a mere minute! The mighty Guinness World Records declared this pirate of a fan hath bested the previous mark by a grand seven songs! Yo ho ho!
January 27, 2024, 11:44 am
Arr, me hearties! Many a nation be imitatin' the United States and be withdrawin' their gold from the United Nations Relief and Works Agency, as they be blamin' their scurvy dog staff for takin' part in the Oct. 7 attacks.
January 27, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dog, Democrat Rep. Ruben Gallego be settin' sail on TikTok to promote his Senate campaign, reckonin' there might be some national security troubles aboard the platform. Avast ye, me hearties, 'tis a jolly way to spread his message!
January 27, 2024, 10:23 am
Arr, President Biden, the scurvy dog in the mighty White House, be facin' a puzzle: How be ye runnin' against a scallywag who ne'er surrendered his election defeat, and be actin' like he be holdin' the position, by Davy Jones' locker?
January 27, 2024, 9:05 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Whilst ol' Donald Trump be tryin' t' switch gears fer th' general election, the lass Nikki Haley still be in th' run. But alas, she be not takin' on th' challenge in Nevada, me landlubbers!
January 27, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr! Capt'n Tanay Stallings-Brown, a pirate from Baltimore, be thrown in the brig and be charged with attemptin' murder! She be plunderin' the streets, leavin' a wake of injured souls. Six victims befallen by her wicked deeds! Walk the plank she shall!
January 27, 2024, 4:30 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Aye, 'tis a sad day for all ye hearties. Hugh M. Hefner, the scallywag behind Playboy, the magazine that stirred up the winds of the sexual revolution, has taken his final voyage at the ripe age of 91. May he rest in booty and legends.
January 27, 2024, 4:01 am
Yarrr, a salty ol' narc slinger be claimin' he be usin' CBD fer his aches 'n' pains, reckonin' it be safer than them devilish opioids. But alas! This choice be sparkin' a legal brawl on the high seas, me hearties!
January 26, 2024, 9:44 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Two lads from Malaysia be sentenced by a jury of salty sea dogs to a good 23 years in the brig for their part in the devilish bombing that sent 202 souls to Davy Jones' locker. But alas, a sneaky side deal be struck, lessenin' their punishment. Arr!
January 26, 2024, 9:32 pm
Arrr, the prez's words be heard, while the Republican speaker scurvy claimed the unity on immigration be doomed afore it even set foot in his chamber. Dead on arrival, says he!
January 26, 2024, 8:30 pm
As Trump campaign mates be fightin' fer our former captain 'gainst an $83.3 million plunderin', Nikki Haley be blamin' his legal woes fer troublin' our merry voyages! Arrr, what a sea scallywag!
January 26, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr, me hearty! "The View" be gossipin' 'bout Fulton County, Georgia's DA Fani Willis, claimin' she had a scandalous affair with a prosecutor leadin' the case 'gainst Donald Trump's election shenanigans. Savvy?
January 26, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Verily I say, this Rob Walker, a matey to Hunter Biden, be claimin' before those congressional investigators that our noble President Biden had nary a hand in his son's mischievous business shenanigans. Har, har, har! Methinks this be an attempt to keep our Captain away from the stormy seas of controversy!
January 26, 2024, 5:47 pm
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis bein' the start o' observin' Holocaust Remembrance Day on Jan. 27, 2024. Aye, fears o' hate be escalatin' after them Oct. 7, 2023 terror strikes, aye, the worst day fer me hearties since the dreaded Holocaust.
January 26, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, the RNC be filin' a lawsuit on Friday to put a stop to them scallywag Mississippi ballots arrivin' after Election Day. They be claimin' that the law o' the land be violated, me hearties!
January 26, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arr, me hearties! While them presidential scoundrels be settin' their sights on South Carolina, the next battles be awaitin' 'em landlubbers in the Silver State! 'Tis a treacherous journey, ye see, fer the process be as knotty as a tangled sea serpent's tail!
January 26, 2024, 4:45 pm
Avast ye scurvy scalawags! Be keepin' a weather eye on that Haley and DeSantis, for they be more treacherous than a sea of sharks! Mark me words, or ye'll be walkin' the plank afore ye know it!
January 26, 2024, 4:39 pm
Arr! Avast ye! Methinks Nikki Haley be in dire need o' aid to salvage her campaign. Yet, alas! Republicans in her homeland be swarmin' like scurvy dogs, pledgin' their loyalty to the mighty Donald J. Trump.
January 26, 2024, 11:52 am
Morgan Wallen, that scurvy dog, be throwin' curses at his former crew for leakin' his early shanties without his say-so. That "Last Night" sea shanty crooner hath declared he be plannin' to craft new melodies come February.
January 26, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr! The good ol' Inspector General o' the U.S. Defense Department be sharin' a tale, me hearties! He be sayin' that the Pentagon be lackin' a proper plan fer them strange flyin' objects! No grand policy to deal with them UAPs, says he! Avast ye, we be in uncharted waters!
January 26, 2024, 11:42 am
Avast ye mateys! Texas state Sen. Drew Springer be demandin' that scallywag Attorney General Ken Paxton be facin' impeachment once again! 'Tis all 'cause Paxton dared to file a whistler's lawsuit! Arrr, the seas be rough for ye, Paxton!
January 26, 2024, 11:39 am
Yarrr! Jordan Willis' sire be claimin' his lad be not guilty o' any wrongdoing, while the buzz be growin' 'bout the passin' o' Chiefs mateys Ricky Johnson, Clayton McGeeney, an' David Harrington, me hearty!
January 26, 2024, 9:07 am
Arr, the president embarked on a voyage to tout a grand $1 billion infrastructure venture, pitting his grandeur against the disheveled "Infrastructure Week" schemes o' former President Donald J. Trump.
January 26, 2024, 8:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Liz Cheney, a wench who be nay fond o' former President Donald J. Trump, didst spill her thoughts on a podcast, set to be unleashed on Friday. Aye, listen ye well, me mateys, and mark me words!
January 26, 2024, 5:51 am
Arr! Me hearties, beware! Thar be news from the landlubbers! Pennsylvania's Governor, Josh Shapiro, be aimin' to mend the ship of higher learnin' with gold from his treasure chest in his next budget. Aye, he'll be grantin' aid to them universities! Yo ho ho, what a jolly good plan!
January 26, 2024, 5:16 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis a sorry tale indeed, as lass Brooks Bell, a mere 38 summers young, be struck with the dreaded scurvy of the colon. But fear not, for she be boldly flyin' the flag o' awareness and be raisin' the alarm amongst the youthful crew. Even Gastroenterologist Austin Chiang be lendin' his expertise to the cause!
January 26, 2024, 5:06 am
Arrr, me hearties! The ol' King Charles, 75 winters in his sails, be seekin' refuge at the London Clinic to mend his troubled nether regions, afflicted by an overly swoll'n prostate! Aye, the news be spreadin' like sea foam on a stormy sea!
January 26, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye mateys! Governor Josh Shapiro be shoutin' from the crow's nest that the blasted system be all in pieces! He be plannin' to make all schools walk the plank into the same boat, and lower the gold doubloons for the poor and middle-class kiddos. Arr, me hearties, what a jolly change it be!
January 26, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr! The generous bunch be plannin' to shower their doubloons to stir up some excitement fer the captain and back Democratic Senate and House mates.
January 26, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast, me hearties! Alabama's attorney general be bravely defendin' a novel way o' sendin' scurvy dogs to Davy Jones' locker, claimin' it to be a "humane and effective" manner. Doubloons t' those who be believin' such a tale!
January 25, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arr, me hearties! Deborra-Lee Furness, she be talkin' about change bein' a frightful thing, yet 'tis mayhaps the grandest treasure we be havin'. 'Twas her first mention o' partin' ways with her matey, Hugh Jackman, after 27 long years aboard the love ship!
January 25, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr! Avast ye scallywags! Kenneth Eugene Smith be walkin' the plank come Thursday eve, bein' the first to taste the ol' nitrogen gas in the U.S. Buckle up, me hearties, 'tis gonna be a wild ride!
January 25, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr! President Biden be taken to the plank on the wide sea of social media, mateys! Aye, 'twas a gaffe 'bout beer he made whilst deliverin' a speech at a brewery in Superior, Wisconsin. The scallywags be havin' a laugh!
January 25, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr, the scallywag ex-president be triumphin' in Iowa an' New Hampshire, thanks to his fierce "win-or-walk-the-plank" spirit, the scuffle amongst his foes, an' his ability to make the party embrace whatever he be holdin' dear, matey!
January 25, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr! The scallywag who used to be in charge of Brazil's spyin' be gettin' himself in a heap o' trouble. Word be that he be caught spyin' on his rivals, and yet, the scurvy dog still be thinkin' he can be mayor of Rio de Janeiro! Walk the plank, I say!
January 25, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arr, Mateys! Nicole Kidman be sportin' a bolder swashbucklin' guise on the parchment o' Vogue Australia, a snake in her arms and clad in delicate undergarments. The lass even shares tales o' her raucous youth, full o' mischief and adventure on the high seas!
January 25, 2024, 5:25 pm
Avast ye! In the year of our Lord 2021, a scurvy teenager hath slain four young lads 'n lasses at his high school in Oxford, Mich. And lo, at his dear mother's trial, the prosecution be claimin' that his kinfolk had the power to halt his villainous deeds! Ahoy, what a treacherous tale indeed!
January 25, 2024, 11:55 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! A band o' swashbucklin' fossil fuel industry scallywags be sendin' a grand missive to the likes o' Biden, beggin' him to change his mind 'bout puttin' a stop to our precious ventures. Avast!
January 25, 2024, 11:44 am
Ahoy, me hearties! Mr. Navarro be a scurvy dog, found guilty of criminal contempt o' Congress, makin' him the second Trump mate to face pirate's tax for meddlin' in the chief investigation into the Capitol riot. Aye, justice be served!
January 25, 2024, 11:43 am
Yar, mateys! The scallywag lawyers and Democrats be raisin' a ruckus 'bout Mr. Musk's jawin' 'bout votin'. The Biden campaign be callin' his blabber "profoundly irresponsible." Methinks they be needin' a good swabbin' of the poop deck! Arrr!
January 25, 2024, 11:43 am
Avast, me hearties! Instead o' gatherin' the Republican brethren under his flag as the rightful captain, Donald Trump be warnin' the likers o' his fierce rival, Nikki Haley. Arr, what a scallywag he be!
January 25, 2024, 11:41 am
Avast! In the year 2021, a scurvy teenager hath dispatched four young scholars at his high school in Oxford, Mich. During his mother's trial, the prosecutors be claimin' that his parents had the power to cease his mischief. Arrr, what a tale of woe and folly!
January 25, 2024, 11:38 am
Aye, the scurvy dog Peter Navarro, aye, that former Trump adviser who dared defy a subpoena to surrender his documents and stand witness before the Jan. 6 committee, hath been sentenced to walk the plank, arr!
January 25, 2024, 11:31 am
Kate and Oliver Hudson be sharin' tales o' their famous stepdad, Kurt Russell, a scallywag who had scrapes with O.J. Simpson, Ted Bundy, an' a foul member o' the Manson family. Arr, quite the yarns they be spinnin'!
January 25, 2024, 5:54 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The former Governor o' South Carolina, Nikki Haley, be struttin' about with a chest full o' confidence as a horde o' top scallywags in her home state be shoutin' their support fer the former President Trump. Arrr, what a jolly time it be!
January 25, 2024, 5:45 am
Arr, me mateys! The mighty Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer be deliverin' a grand State o' the State speech, full o' treasures fer our young scallywags! The plan be to invest in education, offerin' wee lads and lasses free preschool at the tender age o' four! Yo ho ho, a fine offer indeed!
January 25, 2024, 5:41 am
Arrr, mateys from The Ohio State University discovered that lads 'n lasses with a heapin' crew o' siblings had a bleaker mind than those sailin' with a wee kin. The wise psychologists be sharin' their thoughts on the matter, arrr!
January 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! The governin' body be plannin' to send Kenneth Smith to Davy Jones' Locker this Thursday, usin' a peculiar untested method called "nitrogen hypoxia." But fear not, for Mr. Smith's legal crew be plannin' a sudden legal appeal to save 'is sorry hide!
January 25, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks the battle ye be speakin' of between Cap'n Biden and Cap'n Donald be nothin' but a clash o' grand visions fer our dear nation. Aye, 'tis like watchin' two ships sailin' on opposite seas!
January 25, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy crews be sendin' a slew o' laden carriages filled with rubbish to a land o' naught but temporary disposal. This be causin' quite the stir 'mongst the Native Hawaiian folk an' them who be guardin' the precious coral reef, aye!
January 24, 2024, 11:59 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A cry for a well-being inspection didst summon the scurvy-ridden lawmen, who soon laid eyes on a ghastly uncovering.
January 24, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr! Word be spreadin' that the Los Angeles Chargers and Jim Harbaugh be strikin' a deal to make him the next scallywag in charge, as he sails back to the NFL from his time in Michigan. Aye, the winds of change be a-blowin'!
January 24, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arr! A noble New York scallywag, in his generosity, bequeathed upon former Cap'n Nikki Haley a tune o' wisdom from the legendary bard Kenny Rogers, in light o' her loss in the New Hampshire skirmish.
January 24, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the landlubber state be offerin' the scallywag candidates another go and some outlandish triumphs, yet Nikki Haley couldn't swindle the voters into tossin' her a life preserver, matey!
January 24, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Word on the high seas be that Bedford Central Library hath just acquired a tome o' knowledge about the legendary Clint Eastwood. This treasure was borrowed back in May of 1986, and now be worth a king's ransom in overdue doubloons!
January 24, 2024, 5:43 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Texas Gov. Greg Abbott be boastin' 'bout defendin' oneself from a swarm o' migratin' landlubbers at our southern shores, whilst clashin' swords with ol' Biden 'n his crew. Arr, 'tis quite the spectacle indeed!
January 24, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, the Cap'n, Jeff DeWit, be denyin' that the parley be any form o' briberin', claimin' that Mistress Lake, a lass seekin' a spot in the Senate, did threaten to unveil yet another treacherous recordin' if he didn't abandon ship!
January 24, 2024, 5:15 pm
Prosecutors be claimin' that Wayne D. Lozier Jr., 45, o' Louisiana, set sail to Missouri to grab a lass fer a bail bond company that had enlisted his services. Yet, the scallywag be not havin' the proper license in Missouri, as the authorities be claimin'! Arr!
January 24, 2024, 11:57 am
Arr, Sen. Josh Hawley, the valiant soul from the land o' Missouri, be pleadin' with the honorable DHS Secretary Mayorkas to verify the mind-bogglin' figures o' free-sailin' scoundrels, as revealed by a CBO scroll that be freshly unveiled.
January 24, 2024, 11:54 am
Arr, me hearties! GOP Sens. John Cornyn and Deb Fischer be throwin' their support behind former President Trump, mateys! They be callin' on all scallywags to band together to take down President Biden and tackle the border, economy, and our nation's security. Let's set sail and make some waves!
January 24, 2024, 11:50 am
Arr! The gallant USS Gravely did thwart those scurvy Houthi dogs' attempt to blast U.S.-owned container ship with their fearsome anti-ship missiles! Ahoy, Southern Red Sea be a treacherous place for pirates indeed!
January 24, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr, the U.S. and U.K. be givin' them Houthi scallywags another wallop! They be harassin' Red Sea merchant ships, so we be showin' 'em a taste o' cannon fire! Intense pressure be comin' from all sides, but we be fightin' like true buccaneers, arr!
January 24, 2024, 11:44 am
Aye, an inquiry into the untimely demise of Ricky Cobb II during a shipmate halt yonder year unmasked a quarrel betwixt the scurvy knaves of the law and the prosecutin' scalawags. Arr!
January 24, 2024, 10:07 am
Arrr! The land of San Diego be beset by a fearsome tempest, so fierce it did flood homes and transform roads into mighty rivers! Aye, some poor souls be wonderin' why they received scant notice o' this calamity.
January 24, 2024, 9:39 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale ye need to know! This week, at a gathering o' United Automobile Workers, Shawn Fain, the captain o' the group, didst lash out at Republican policies like a mighty storm. And lo and behold, our matey President Biden be set to deliver the keynote speech! Avast ye, 'tis sure to be a lively affair!
January 24, 2024, 5:45 am
"Avast ye, mateys! Trump be winnin' the New Hampshire primary, while Haley be swearin' to stay in the race! Arrr, a truly grand spectacle of politics, me hearties! Let the pillagin' and plunderin' continue!"
January 24, 2024, 4:54 am
Avast ye scallywags! Despite the yammerin' of Donald Trump and his mateys, Ms. Haley, with a fierce spirit, declared in a fiery spiel that she'll be sailin' forth to South Carolina, shiver me timbers!
January 24, 2024, 4:46 am
Arrr, matey! Wit' that scallywag Donald Trump settin' sail on th' ballot, ye could see a mighty surge o' voters! It be showin' his skill to rally his loyal crew, as well as stirrin' up th' determined opposition, all marchin' straight to th' polls. Yo ho ho!
January 24, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye! Be it a gamble on South Carolina or a fight 'til the end? Or be it time to abandon ship? The Trump's last foe be facin' some treacherous choices. Let us examine her course o' action, mateys!
January 24, 2024, 2:00 am
Arr, the Iran-backed scallywags, them Houthis, be masterin' the art o'irregular warfare whilst clashin' with the Saudi-led crew, claim them military scurvy dogs.
January 23, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arr, me mateys! Avast ye! The mastermind behind "Libs of TikTok", Chaya Raichik, hath been summoned by the noble Oklahoma Superintendent Ryan Walters to join the Library Media Advisory Committee. Methinks this be a jolly good addition to our crew!
January 23, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arr! Sen. Joshua Hawley be ponderin' on a grand Supreme Court brawl that might shape the law for them Big Tech scallywags and their scurvy ways of censorin' user content. Avast ye!
January 23, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arr, in the land o' Iowa, four-in-ten sea dogs from the Republican crew be sayin' immigration be the most vital concern, with a third of 'em hollerin' about the economy and jobs. No other matter be comin' near, ye scurvy dogs!
January 23, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A wee Primo Levi quote scribbled on them fancy papers fer a pro-Palestinian shindig be raisin' all manner o' ruckus! Accusin' the scallywags o' twistin' the words of a Holocaust survivor, they be! Walkin' the plank they should, arrr!
January 23, 2024, 5:01 pm
Arrr, me hearty! The trusty mate, Jennifer O’Malley Dillon, who led the charge fer President Biden's 2020 voyage, be settin' sail from the grand halls of the White House to anchor at his re-election command post in Wilmington, Del. Shiver me timbers and hoist the Jolly Roger!
January 23, 2024, 4:37 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs, them there faculty members 'n other scholars, be walkin' the plank on Monday morn, right afore the grand learnin' was to commence at the biggest public university system in the land! 'Tis a mutiny, me hearties!
January 23, 2024, 4:34 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs be escapin' from a wretched jail in Jefferson County, say the officials. Yet, the precise hour and method be as elusive as a mermaid's kiss upon a sailor's lips!
January 23, 2024, 11:49 am
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! A scrawl from a do-gooder group be claimin' that thievin' o' horseless carriages be on the rise in the Windy City, with feckless bilge rats escapin' the long arm o' the law. They be blamin' some cursed social media fad fer this madness. Arrr!
January 23, 2024, 11:39 am
Avast ye! Chris Young, a landlubber, was apprehended by the Alcoholic Beverage Commission whilst carousing in a Nashville tavern on Monday eve. This scurvy knave, a country music star, be accused o' assaulting an officer and other misdeeds.
January 23, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr! Me hearties be yearnin' fer Gov. Ron DeSantis t' turn his attention back t' the state, while them scurvy critics be quakin' in their boots, dreadin' what mischief he may unleash in his final three years on the poop deck!
January 23, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr! The bloomin' U.K. government be grantin' them Northern Ireland scallywags an extension till Feb. 8 to mend their shattered regional government in jolly old Belfast, says the officials, aye!
January 23, 2024, 11:15 am
Arr, eight sites be struck amidst the defiance o' the Iran-backed scoundrels, as the region be teeterin' on the brink o' a grander skirmish.
January 23, 2024, 5:54 am
In a jolly display o' camaraderie, three o' Donald Trump's past adversaries be joinin' him at a grand gathering on Monday eve in Laconia, N.H. Aye, a sight worth witnessin'!
January 23, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! Methinks the fine lass, Nikki Haley, be sayin' nay to the notion that she must plunder the New Hampshire primary to sail forth against the mighty Captain Trump. Arrr, she be chartin' her own course, she be!
January 23, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast ye, mateys! Fetch yer daily tales from the mightiest scribe 'pon the high seas. They'll be sent straight to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn, so ye won't miss a jot o' news worth yer salt.
January 23, 2024, 5:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! Fox News' fair maiden, Laura Ingraham, doth declare that Nikki Haley be 'finished' and 'prolonging the obvious' in the grand 2024 presidential race. Methinks there be a storm brewin' on the horizon for the noble Nikki! Avast, ye scurvy dogs!
January 23, 2024, 5:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywag TikTok creators be spreadin' a message, urg'n us landlubbers to savour some proper rest durin' winter. Sleep expert, Dr. Wendy Troxel, be weighin' the merits o' this "wintering" idea! Avast, me mateys, rest ye bones!
January 23, 2024, 4:00 am
Arr, mateys! The old wench who birthed Ethan Crumbley, the scurvy dog who sent four souls to Davy Jones' locker in 2021, be facin' trial on Tuesday! In a rare twist, the lawmen have accused both his landlubber parents o' involuntary manslaughter. Aye, the plot thickens!
January 22, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arr, there be some towns where the weather be swingin' like a ship in a storm, by more than 50 degrees! Avast, mateys, 'tis high time we set sail for the zoo, for the creatures be needin' their own weather report!
January 22, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye scurvy knaves! 'Tis said that Coty Clements, a 28-year-old landlubber of North Port, stands accused o' conjurin' a false cannonball threat at a Walmart in Port Charlotte, Florida. Aye, but his flimsy excuse be a TikTok trend, so he claims! Argh, what a scallywag!
January 22, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr! The scurvy dog, the former president, be inflictin' a yearlong onslaught of humiliations upon the Florida governor, causin' his hopes for the White House to sink like a cursed ship. Now, his future in politics be as clear as a foggy night at sea.
January 22, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr, as the seasoned captain of the King's Center, he be tusslin' with his kin o'er who be holdin' the key to their dear father's treasure chest. Aye, a tale o' sibling squabbles and plunderin' for control, it be!
January 22, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arr, me hearties! The wily Karine Jean-Pierre, a fine lass, be crossing swords with Fox News scallywag Peter Doocy, arguin' 'bout Americans reckonin' that Captain Biden's wit be wanderin'! Har, what a merry spectacle, ye scurvy dogs!
January 22, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a storm o' grand news 'bout prostate cancer makin' waves. Wise doctors be speakin' up to shiver me timbers and shatter those myths, preachin' the value of early screenings, lest ye want yer booty in peril!
January 22, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr! A mighty tempest befallen the city on Monday, drenchin' it with more rain than Tropical Storm Hilary did in yonder year. Methinks the heavens be playin' a rather fierce prank on the landlubbers!
January 22, 2024, 11:55 am
Arr, mateys! 'Tis a tale of President Biden's wee brother, James Biden, engaged in lively parley with House Republicans. Word be spreadin' on FOX News, me hearties! A deposition be awaitin' him, if ye catch me drift!
January 22, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr! The European Union scallywags reckon that settin' sail fer a Palestinian land be the key to tranquility in the Middle East, even though that Israeli scurvy dog be turnin' a blind eye to the notion.
January 22, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, word be spreadin' that Park City's Main Street was plundered by a mighty crew o' pro-Palestinian scallywags durin' the grand Sundance Film Festival on a fine Sunday. Savvy?
January 22, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Tis bein' rumored that the scurvy dogs of the Democratic Socialists o' America be facin' a dire 'financial crisis'! Bein' a threat to their coffers, it be forgone that cuts aplenty be made to their treasure hoard and a crew of landlubbers be forced to walk the plank, says the proposal.
January 22, 2024, 11:28 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog! This here chap be a professor of political science and a scribbler, and he be havin' a peculiar talent for unravelin' the tangles of the American political sea!
January 22, 2024, 11:21 am
Arr! Be it known, mateys, that a multitude o' learned swashbucklers, scallywags, and other scholarly buccaneers hath abandoned ship to make a proper protest! Yarr, they be aimin' to maroon classes and strike for five days, mark ye well!
January 22, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be that those scurvy dogs o' Washington state be ponderin' a ban on trussin' up suspects like hogs, 'tis claimed to have caused the demise o' Manuel Ellis in '21. Let's see if they be swabbin' the decks and takin' proper action, ye scallywags!
January 22, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! Word be spreadin' that a landlubber met his demise in Nashua, New Hampshire. 'Twas a right clash 'twixt the law and this poor soul, as confirmed by the state's Attorney General, John Formella. Arrr, 'tis a tale that be makin' waves!
January 22, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast ye! A scurvy dog, suspected o' stickin' three souls at a domicile in north Austin, be caught in the act! Shiver me timbers, one poor soul met Davy Jones' locker 'cause o' his blade, as told by the lads in blue!
January 22, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr! A band o' wanderin' sea dogs from Honduras, seekin' safe haven in the land o' the free, be scatterin' like pieces o' eight in their homeland, all 'cause them Guatemalan officers decided to meddle in their affairs. Shiver me timbers!
January 22, 2024, 4:03 am
As me matey Nikki Haley be rejoicin' o'er Ron DeSantis's farewell from th' Republican battle, Donald J. Trump be settin' his cannons ablaze 'gainst his last adversary. Arrr, 'tis a grand spectacle indeed!
January 22, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs in the administration be blabberin' about helpin' the landlubbers with their reproductive rights! They claim they be takin' new measures for folks to get their hands on contraceptives and abortions under some fancy emergency care law. Ya hear that, me hearties? Ahoy to the land of choices!
January 22, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The swashbucklin' presidential candidates be raisin' the alarm 'bout them scallywag terrorists, criminals, and traffickers lurkin' 'round our Canadian borders. But, it seems like their plans fer a southern-style wall be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship!
January 21, 2024, 11:46 pm
Arr, ye scurvy aviation agency be sendin' a warnin' to all ye airlines, advisin' 'em to inspect the door plugs on a Boeing 737 vessel, what be sharin' th' same design as th' accursed 737 Max 9. Avast ye, mateys!
January 21, 2024, 5:35 pm
NBC's scallywag, Vaughn Hillyard, representin' a band of five grand TV networks, be claimin' that the Trump campaign be havin' a quarrel with his presence, aye!
January 21, 2024, 5:19 pm
Arrr! Taylor Swift be makin' her grand entry in Buffalo, standin' alongside Travis Kelce, when thar be a mighty uproar from the loyal, yet divided, crew o' Buffalo Bills! Cheers and boos filled the air, as the sea o' fans made their presence known, aye!
January 21, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Nikki Haley and her scallywag gang be tryin' to paint the race as a swashbucklin' duel against Donald Trump. They be thinkin' it be a battle on the high seas, but we all know they be walkin' the plank!
January 21, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arr, a lass from Florida be charged wit' DUI aft crashin' her car into th' front o' a strip mall in Clearwater on a fine Sunday morn, as per th' constables.
January 21, 2024, 4:26 pm
Arrr, the Florida governor, who once seemed the fiercest adversary to Donald Trump, embarked on a treacherously expensive and tumultuous voyage, yet alas! His campaign failed to capture the fancy of Republican brethren.
January 21, 2024, 4:16 pm
Avast ye! Alice Dunnigan and Ethel L. Payne, brave lasses, battled the scurvy dogs of sexism and racism, all to report on a grand beat. Now, their noble deeds in journalism bein' celebrated and their names bein' honored. Aye, they be true legends o' the craft!
January 21, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, ye scurvy Mexican drug cartels be rakin' in the doubloons from them illegal migrants crossin' the treacherous U.S.-Mexico border! They be spreadin' their deadly crimes 'n chaos to the towns nearby. Shiver me timbers, 'tis a cursed mess!
January 21, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr, Corey DeAngelis, a self-proclaimed 'choice embracin' swashbuckler, spake to Fox News on ye Sunday, claimin' families be growin' 'tired o' havin' their school choice freedoms plundered by scallywags seekin' to extinguish such ventures.
January 21, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr! Nikki Haley be claimin' that the former Cap'n Trump be sufferin' from a mental "decline," and she doth recall him bein' more capable during her time in his Cabinet. Methinks the winds o' change be blowin'!
January 21, 2024, 11:32 am
Yarrr! Two scurvy dogs, a mate and a lass, be caught red-handed in Oklahoma, plunderin' a gargantuan radio mast of near 500 feet, claimin' copper as their booty. Walk the plank they shall!
January 21, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr! Peter Whelan be a scallywag conservative from Portsmouth, N.H. He be yearnin' for them Republican mateys to heed the call of the treacherous waters, that be threatenin' our precious fishin' industry and his very bread and butter.
January 21, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! Afore ye, aye spy a brand new tally that proclaims Donald Trump be the grandest leader o' the Republican crew in New Hampshire's presidential quest. Nikki Haley, she be trailin' far behind, aye, a whole two times worse off! As for Ron DeSantis, he be driftin' off in third place, a true shipwreck!
January 21, 2024, 5:45 am
Avast, me hearties! Yon Biden challenger, Dean Phillips, didst let out a mighty roar in New Hampshire, calling President Biden "ye olde unelectable and weak scallywag" afore the state's primary! Arrr, tis a battle 'mongst the landlubbers!
January 21, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr! Ye scurvy dog, LeVar Burton, be flabbergasted to uncover a hidden pale-faced forefather, a landlubber who sailed with the Confederate army! Twas revealed whilst he be makin' an appearance on the goodly PBS spectacle, 'Finding Yer Roots,' a mere week past. Arrr!
January 21, 2024, 4:24 am
Avast ye mateys! A young scallywag, hailing from the West Bank, met his fate when a mighty barrage of gunfire took him from this mortal coil. His kinfolk be callin' him a true warrior of the Almighty. Arrrgh, a valiant tale o' loyalty, 'tis!
January 21, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Donning the garb of invincibility, Donald Trump be parading a motley crew o' potential shipmates, such as Tim Scott, Elise Stefanik, and J.D. Vance. Let's see who butters his bread the finest! Argh!
January 21, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast, me hearties! On th' last weekend afore th' state's primary on Tuesday, Nikki Haley made her most fearsome case yet in her audacious quest to best that scurvy dog, Donald Trump, fer th' G.O.P. nomination, arrr!
January 21, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, be it true, mateys! Two o' the most cautious lands be ignorin' the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. They be lettin' students and workers with the foul virus, who show no symptoms, roam free instead o' bein' marooned! Aye, a curious choice indeed!
January 20, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog! A pirate's tale be told o' this miscreant - a Google shipmate from Cathay, captured by the landlubbers for the dastardly crime of wife-slayin'. The poor soul be spied, a mere 27 years o' age, bespattered in crimson. Avast! Justice be served on him!
January 20, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, mateys! A crimson panda hath been saved from yonder tree, havin' made a swift escape from 'is confinement at th' Cologne Zoo. The landlubber fire brigade be summoned to lend a hand, for the mischievous creature refused to yield.
January 20, 2024, 5:35 pm
"Arr! The fair lass's scribbles be unveilin' secrets of her origins and true self, nary spoken 'pon the platform, while also sheddin' light on her political leanin's and connections to that scallywag, Donald Trump."
January 20, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arr, a brand new reckonin' doth declare that the scurvy dogs and lasses be missin' their learnin', with this cursed COVID era bein' the reason. And 'tis clear as the skies, our schools be sufferin' yet again from this chronic absenteeism curse!
January 20, 2024, 4:52 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Ex-Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson, he be a fine swashbuckler, pledging his allegiance to former South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley. But beware! He also be scuttlin' former President Trump, callin' him a scallywag who be splittin' the crew!
January 20, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arrr, me mateys! Nikki Haley be layin' a fierce broadside on Donald J. Trump's noggin, claimin' he be lacking wit! 'Twas a mighty blow, sailin' in afore New Hampshire's grand primary!
January 20, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr, mateys! Ol' Donald Trump be claimin' that scurvy dog, Nancy Pelosi, be leavin' the Capitol's security to Davy Jones' locker! But by Blackbeard's beard, on Friday he swapped her name with Nikki Haley's! Methinks his memory be as treacherous as a rogue wave!
January 20, 2024, 4:39 pm
Arr, mateys! This bitter cold hath been a right scurvy dog fer them lands unaccustomed to icy blasts and chill winds. Aye, Tennessee, Kentucky, an' Arkansas be sufferin' a mighty blow from this frosty tempest!
January 20, 2024, 11:53 am
Arr, a band of merry sailors from South Carolina be sailin' to join Captain Donald J. Trump at his grand rally on Saturday night! Aye, Captain Trump be hopin' this be showin' that Nikki Haley lacks support in her own homeland, savvy?
January 20, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, th' quarrels betwixt Fani Willis an' Nathan Wade, th' special prosecutor she hired t' manage th' sprawlin' case in Georgia, be raisin' doubloons 'bout Mr. Wade's qualifications. Methinks th' seas be gettin' stormy fer this pirate!
January 20, 2024, 11:20 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a tale of treachery on the high seas of matrimony! Joycelyn Wade, that fair maiden estranged from Georgia's Nathan Wade, doth claim her philandering husband didst purchase tickets for his fancy lady, Fani Willis, the Fulton County DA! Yo ho ho!
January 20, 2024, 11:15 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs in Indiana be sayin' that this Thomas Edward Williams, may he rot in Davy Jones' locker, did lay siege upon two fair maidens and a comrade, leavin' 'em stranded in a field of maize. By the grace of the heavens, they survived! The knave met his fate in prison in the year 1983.
January 20, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr! This Canuck scallywag, who blabbered like a sea serpent about his government kindlin' fires to bamboozle folks into believin' in this climate hocus-pocus, has been caught red-handed scorchin' the land with not one, but fourteen infernal blazes! Walk the plank, ye fire-startin' scalawag!
January 20, 2024, 11:09 am
Arrr, me hearties! The old captain be at it again, settin' his sights on race 'n background whilst battlin' Nikki Haley in New Hampshire. Aye, he be sailin' in treacherous waters as he seeks to win the hearts 'n minds of the scallywags!
January 20, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs from Fox News Digital did converse with pro-life mateys, torn betwixt their allegiance to the grand Republican presidential scallywag, the former President Donald Trump, and his stance on the blimey matter of abortion.
January 20, 2024, 11:07 am
Arr, word be spreadin' that USCENTCOM hath indeed blasted a Houthi-owned sea-dragon's missile aimed at plunderin' merchant ships in the Gulf o' Aden. 'Twas a grand show of force, me hearties, delivered by a US airstrike on the Lord's day!
January 20, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Benjamin Chavis, a scallywag of the No Labels crew, be blabberin' on "The Story" 'bout a grand conspiracy to keep their ticket off the ballot, says he. Methinks a mighty laugh be in order, me mateys!
January 20, 2024, 5:00 am
In a parley wit' Fox News Digital, "The Breakfast Club" mate Charlamagne Tha God didst boldly declare that President Biden hath ne'er been a worthy contender fer th' throne. Arrr, me hearties, ye be hearin' it from the horse's mouth!
January 20, 2024, 4:37 am
Arr, a fine lass be shootin' and sendin' a miscreant to Davy Jones' locker! In Bartlesville, Oklahoma, she be defendin' her own ship, as the law says she be free to wield her weapons to preserve her life, she be.
January 20, 2024, 4:17 am
Arrr, the scallywags of the Republican Party be joining forces with Nikki Haley afore New Hampshire's primary, all in a desperate attempt to halt the former captain's journey towards the nomination. Aye, 'tis a bold move, indeed!
January 20, 2024, 4:15 am
Arr! The Supreme Court be sayin' we should nae consider race when admittin' students. But the clever lads 'n lasses, they be usin' their essays to showcase their own racial tales! Aye, a sneaky way to get ahead, me hearties!
January 20, 2024, 4:14 am
Arr, for o'er a century, the towns in New England be bestowin' their eldest mates with grand canes, matey! But in some ports, the honor be still standin' strong—only for them brave enough to take it, ye scallywags!
January 20, 2024, 1:08 am
Arr! The university be tellin' its most detailed yarn 'bout how they dealt with scoundrel Claudine Gay's thievin' of words! Plunderin' accusations led to her walkin' the plank just a moon ago.
January 19, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arr, Avast, me hearties! Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis doth reckon that Tim Scott's jolly endorsement of former President Donald Trump be a grand thump upon the noggin' of Nikki Haley, his rival for the grand Republican presidential nomination. Aye, the plot thickens, me mateys!
January 19, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arr! Thar be a scuffle betwixt the ex-Gov Andrew Cuomo and the Attorney General Letitia James! He be seekin' parchments 'bout her inquiry what led to his walkin' the plank. Aye, the seas be rough fer these landlubbers!
January 19, 2024, 5:50 pm
Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis been reported that a scurvy Oklahoma couple hath lashed a bunch of wee scallywags aboard their ship o' a home, usin' naught but a mighty plank! They be keepin' these poor souls in a cursed bathroom, arrr, for days on end!
January 19, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, a quarrel be afoot o'er the network beasty's decision to air a measly 10 minutes o' the ex-president's speech! It caused a right ol' ruckus, me hearties, during a secret parley amongst the crew.
January 19, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr! The scallywags in the Biden crew be offerin' tax credits to vast lands o' the land, savin' ye doubloons, me hearties! 'Tis a grand gesture, reachin' far beyond the city walls. Avast!
January 19, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr! The decree be grantin' gold to the scurvy agencies till March, while them landlubber Congress be hagglin' for more gold to keep the ship sailin' come autumn.
January 19, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! This here Rafael Grossi, chief o' the International Atomic Energy Agency, be a complainin' 'bout Iran's lack o' transparency fer a whole year now! The scurvy dogs be makin' it a might difficult fer us to obtain compliance, I tell ye!
January 19, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Snoop Dogg, a swashbucklin' rapscallion, doth brag o' hearin' tales o' a hundred million doubloons bein' up for grabs on OnlyFans. Yet, heave-ho! He decided to keep his distance from that salacious den o' iniquity, all fer the sake o' his fair lass, Shante Broadus. They be wedded souls since the year o' our Lord, 1997. Arrr!
January 19, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye! Cap'n Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., sailin' solo fer presidency, didst ride the mighty waves wit' the legendary surfer Kelly Slater in Hawaii on his blessed birthday! He be sharin' the epic voyage on the X, me hearties!
January 19, 2024, 11:43 am
Mr. DeSantis be praisin' Donald J. Trump's triumph in Iowa, ye scurvy dog! He be admittin' to an ill-placed strategic mistake, arr! And now, he be settin' his sights on 2028, aye!
January 19, 2024, 11:42 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags on "The View" be challengin' Nikki Haley to defend her claims on their liberal show! But mark me words, Joy Behar reckons she'd refuse if summoned! Methinks a fierce battle be brewin'!
January 19, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr! The scurvy former leader and his mateys be sneakin' 'round, tryna woo Mr. Scott in secret, hopin' to steal his favor afore the New Hampshire rumble on Tuesday.
January 19, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks Mr. Phillips be takin' a perilous voyage, challengin' President Biden in the primaries. But lo and behold! His supporters be scribblin' their names in New Hampshire like a band of merry scribes! Aye, 'tis a spectacle indeed!
January 19, 2024, 5:58 am
Avast ye scallywags! A matey, who spent 14 long years confined in the brig for a scurvy shooting back in the 1990s, has finally been set free! The crown now reckons the scurvy dog he's been pointing fingers at for ages be the true scoundrel. Arrr, what a tale of twisted justice!
January 19, 2024, 5:58 am
Arr, mateys! The scallywags of North Korea's Defense Ministry be braggin' 'bout their successful testin' o' a fearsome underwater contraption, aye, a nuclear-capable ship-sinker! They be aimin' to add more firepower to their treasure trove!
January 19, 2024, 5:55 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog! The cap'n Benjamin Netanyahu be claimin' that him and his crew have sent 17 o' them pesky regiments o' Hamas down to Davy Jones' locker in the fierce battle o' Gaza! Aye, a jolly good fight it must 'ave been!
January 19, 2024, 5:53 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Methinks the Midwest to the Northeast shall be blanketed in snow come Friday, as icy winds sail eastward till Saturday! But fear ye not, for fairer skies be nigh, with warmer weather hastening to our rescue!
January 19, 2024, 5:45 am
Arr! The mighty vessel, sailed by Atlas Air, set sail from Miami International Port on Thursday eve and was compelled to turn back after a mere 50 minutes on the treacherous seas.
January 19, 2024, 5:23 am
Avast ye! As Carissa Moore be settin' sail away from surfin', she be facin' a most puzzlin' question that troubles many a soul durin' a grand change: Who be I, if I be not partakin' in this endeavor anymore?
January 19, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrgh! Ye scurvy lawmakers, from each party, penned a letter to Cap'n Defense Secretary Lloyd J. Austin III, demandin' to be enlightened on how our brave mateys' noggins be protected from the thunderous explosion caused by their very own weaponry.
January 18, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr, the bloomin' powerful missive be the former cap'n's main writ in 'is plea to set sail in the Colorado primary ballot once more. The landlubber's claim bein' he be a rebel wench.
January 18, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, in these past weeks, the lass be refusin' to entertain queries from voters at her grand gatherings, makin' the hearts of many a landlubber grumble, especially those in New Hampshire. Aye, a frustrating turn o' events it be!
January 18, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arr, the bilge rats of the New York Police Department be on the hunt, as a scallywag has been skewered in the throat at a migrant processing tavern on Randall's Isle in the grand city of New York!
January 18, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Avast ye! 'Tis a scurvy knave, an American Airlines swashbuckler, bein' clapped in irons! Methinks he be caught recordin' wee ones in the privy aboard his ship o' the skies, from January 2023 to September 2023. Aye, he be walkin' the plank, he be!
January 18, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr! U.S. Sen. Chuck Grassley, a fine Republican matey, be freed from the clutches of the infirmary on Thursday, for he had tamed an unknown infection! His jolly crew in the office did declare it so, me hearties!
January 18, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs be runnin' amok in Solino, a grand neighborhood in Port-au-Prince, where many a law enforcement be residin'. The landlubbers be quakin' in their boots, fearin' the mayhem be spreadin' like wildfire across the entire city!
January 18, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, the report be sayin' that a lack o' captaincy and daft decision-makin' brewed a mighty storm o' befuddlement at the scene, holdin' back the merry skirmish with the scurvy gunman.
January 18, 2024, 11:48 am
The fair and mighty Queen o' Country, Reba McEntire, be expressin' her hearty thanks afore her grand exhibit at Super Bowl LVIII, where she be set to sing the glorious tune, "The Star-Spangled Banner." Avast, her voice shall surely charm the hearts o' all scurvy knaves!
January 18, 2024, 11:30 am
Avast ye, me hearties! A wee lad from Florida, a true scallywag, met his untimely end whilst chasing a pigskin, when a cursed school bus ran him down! Yet, this lad be no stranger to danger, for he had conquered lymphocytic scurvy, a vicious blood malady that plagued him since he was but a wee lad of 2!
January 18, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, me mateys! If she be wantin' to best Donald J. Trump in New Hampshire, she must charm them freethinkin' scallywags! Aye, the challenge be that they be o' all sorts, like a motley crew.
January 18, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr! The Senate be settin' a vote at midday, and the scallywags in the House be claimin' they'll be actin' on Thursday evening, a tad past 24 hours 'fore the gold doubloons run out for a few government agencies.
January 18, 2024, 9:53 am
Arrr, mateys! The landlubbers, them advocates, be puttin' on a brave face, yarrr! After a fierce squabble o'er the limits to be pushed whilst askin' the voters to make abortion legal, they be standin' as one. Aye, aye, me hearties!
January 18, 2024, 9:36 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Aye, in a parchment, the department be blamin' "cascadin' failures of cap'nship, reckonin', swashbucklin', decrees, and trainin'" in the Texas school ambush that sent 21 souls down to Davy Jones' locker!
January 18, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr! Me matey, Dan Hanlon, a former scallywag of the great President Trump, be thinkin' of takin' on his former captain, Rep. Nancy Mace, R-SC, in a primary campaign. Blow me down! The seas be gettin' stormy in the political waters!
January 18, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr! The war cabinet o' Israel be quarrelin' like scurvy dogs over their plans to lessen the battle against that scallywag, Hamas, in Gaza. Aye, they be causin' quite a hullabaloo!
January 18, 2024, 5:05 am
Avast, me hearties! On Thursday, prepare ye scurvy dogs for a wee respite from the icy grip of the Arctic air that hath beset our fair land this week. But beware, for Friday and Saturday, the frosty weather shall come a-knockin' once more, ready to freeze ye timbers!
January 18, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! Th' ol' captain be wantin' t' snatch th' nomination afore Super Tuesday on March 5, but Nikki Haley an' Ron DeSantis be swearin' they be battlin' till th' end o' March, they be! Avast ye, it be a fierce competition!
January 18, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr, the Pennsylvania senator, bein' the first amongst his mates to share his thoughts on the primary scuffle to remove the indicted Senator Robert Menendez, did express his worries 'bout Tammy Murphy's G.O.P. past.
January 18, 2024, 12:33 am
In a rowdy gathering, the scallywags of the board becometh one of the oldest in the land to cast their votes in favor of a decree to cease the squabbles betwixt Israel and Hamas. Arrr, diplomatic pirates we be!
January 17, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis like this case be settin' sail, ready to hoist the anchor on the conservative legal crew's quest to scuttle the New Deal. Methinks they've been plannin' this for generations, arr!
January 17, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, in the year 2023, China did suffer a mighty blow, for its scallywags be dwindlin' by a devilish 2 million souls! Aye, their lasses and lads be too few, and their elder buccaneers be growin' in number, creatin' quite the conundrum for their treasure chests and way of life.
January 17, 2024, 5:49 pm
Yarr, the US Department of Justice be admittin' that Hunter Biden's laptop be a true treasure, matey! In them court papers filed on Tuesday, they be claimin' the booty within matched the Apple backups. Avast, there be no denyin' it now!
January 17, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast ye mateys! Word be spreadin' that 3 souls met their watery grave in Portland when a line o' power dropped upon their vessel. A grand chaos of darkness befalling many lands, with counties cryin' out fer aid in a state of emergency!
January 17, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arr, me hearties! Pennsylvania Republican Representative Dan Meuser hath put forth a law to make them scallywag state and local prosecutors be hard-fisted against crimes, as the landlubber cities be overrun with villainy! Aye, it be high time to keelhaul those scurvy dogs!
January 17, 2024, 5:46 pm
Avast, me hearties! The ex-captain Trump did utter that he'll be missin' the E. Jean Carroll trial on Thursday, for he'll be payin' his respects at his mother-in-law's final voyage. He be callin' the judge a "nasty" landlubber for not postponin' the court matters for the day.
January 17, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arr, me mateys! Cap'n Ron DeSantis's jolly crew be lettin' go of some folks, all while he be sayin' he'll be skippin' the primary election in New Hampshire and settin' sail for South Carolina. Aye, he be a crafty one!
January 17, 2024, 11:51 am
Avast ye scallywags! On Wednesday, ol' John Kerry blabbered to the press that Cap'n Biden hath saved us from a "complete outbreak of uncontrolled war in many corners of the world," whilst chattin' 'bout at the World Economic Forum in Davos. Arrr, what a tale!
January 17, 2024, 11:47 am
Avast ye scallywags! A landlubber from Minnesota stands accused of skewerin' a fancy ballet dancer with his golfing cudgel. The scurvy dog be deemed mad as a hornpipe, unfit to face the pirate's justice for his heinous act of second-degree murder.
January 17, 2024, 11:47 am
Avast ye scallywags! Methinks a fair maiden hath gained fame on TikTok, as she be craftin' a mighty volcano, spewin' forth mashed taters, gravy, and broccoli, aye! 'Twas her homage to "Jurassic Park"! Behold this masterpiece, forged for a meager sum o' $35!
January 17, 2024, 11:45 am
Avast ye, landlubbers! Zakkary McReynolds, a lad of 18 summers, hath been apprehended on a dreary Tuesday in the town of Denton, Texas. Tis said he be involved in the unfortunate demise o' young Ryan Erwin, a mere 17 years in age, due to a foul overdose o' fentanyl. Arrr!
January 17, 2024, 11:38 am
Arr, the ex-president be standin' trial as the former scribe be spoutin' her words against him. She be claimin' he laid his hands upon her back in the days of yore. Aye, it be a spectacle for the ages!
January 17, 2024, 11:22 am
Afore the reckonin' o' the sun at the White House, where fine gentlemen gather'd to debate the matter o' lootin' Ukraine, the Republican speaker didst declare that a truce was a lost cause, mateys! Arrr, no chance for compromise!
January 17, 2024, 11:15 am
Avast, me hearties! Nikki Haley be claimin' that this great land o' America be no place for racism! Aye, DeSantis be speakin' in a town hall, sayin' we've had a fair share o' troubles with how race be seen.
January 17, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, Rep. Dean Phillips, aye, he be strippin' a reference to DEI programs from his campaign plank amidst a scuttle on the interwebs, all 'cause a hearties' pieces of eight be talkin' 'bout it.
January 17, 2024, 5:40 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog! The scoundrel what wreaked havoc at an LGBTQ+ tavern in Colorado, claimin' the lives o' five souls, be plannin' to admit his guilt to them newfangled federal charges for hate crimes and wieldin' forbidden firearms, all in a feeble attempt to save his miserable hide from Davy Jones' locker!
January 17, 2024, 4:11 am
Avast ye! 'Tis a partial return to a tougher Trump stance against them scurvy Iran-backed scoundrels, who be attackin' ships in the Red Sea. Methinks 'tis time to show 'em the wrath of the high seas!
January 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr, the justices be ponderin' o'er a matter o' great importance - whether to scuttle that pesky 1984 Chevron verdict, which forces 'em to bow down 'n defer to them scallywag agencies' interpretations o' confusin' statutes.
January 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, avast ye hearties! In me treasure map, 'tis revealed that Boston be one o' the X marks, where the esteemed Bloomberg Philanthropies shall be partin' with a hefty sum of $250 million! All fer the purpose o' groomin' young scallywags from high schools, so they be settin' sail directly into the world o' health care jobs soon as they be graduate!
January 17, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye! The squabble o'er the resolution hath ripped asunder the left-leaning Michigan college town, where mighty Arab and Jewish crews reside. Arrr, the storm be brewin'!
January 16, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arr, methinks the Biden crew be plannin' to dub them Yemen scoundrels, the Houthis, as a band of miscreants, and brand 'em as a crew o' terrorists! All because they've been causin' trouble fer ships sailin' the Red Sea. Har, the adventure continues!
January 16, 2024, 5:55 pm
Avast ye mateys! Democratic Massachusetts Gov. Maura Healey be makin' a grand announcement, me hearties! She be proposin' a plan to broaden the horizons o' our wee ones, providin' more access to early learnin' and state-subsidized childcare. Arrr, ain't that a jolly good idea, me fellow buccaneers?
January 16, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arr! 'Tis a tale to be told! Yonder country wench, Miranda Lambert, hath lauded her mate o' five years, the gallant Brendan McLoughlin. He hath boldly spoken truth and admonished her foul ways! Avast, 'tis a fine matey indeed, not afraid to call out her "s---!"
January 16, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On a fine Tuesday, a mighty throng of opposition scallywags be gatherin' to protest the crooked election results o' Dec. 17. They be cryin' foul on that populist rogue, President Aleksandar Vučić, claimin' his government be a nest o' fraudsters!
January 16, 2024, 5:03 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! President Biden be pleadin' fer a hefty sum o' $110 billion doubloons to aid Ukraine, Israel, and guard the border, yet those landlubber Republicans be raisin' a ruckus on Capitol Hill, stallin' the whole affair. Methinks they be needin' a jolly good walk off the plank!
January 16, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arr! Yonder erstwhile South Carolina governor hath bet her fortunes on the state, bolstered by a mighty treasure and a grand onslaught of advertisements, as she seeks to bounce back from Iowa, arr!
January 16, 2024, 4:47 pm
Ye mateys, if ye be a scurvy independent seekin' to get yer name on the ballot, ye best be filin' to form a new party! 'Tis a surefire way to dodge the need for a boatload o' voter signatures. Arrr, smart thinkin', says I!
January 16, 2024, 11:57 am
Thee ol' Trump be claimin' Joe Biden be th' scurviest president of all time, mateys! He even be sayin' that Jimmy Carter, aye, that ol' swashbuckler, be lookin' like a bloomin' genius next t' 'im! Arrr, what a jolly yarn!
January 16, 2024, 11:55 am
Arr, ye landlubbers be warned! Them health officials be shoutin' from Washington, D.C. and Virginia, spreadin' the word 'bout a scurvy outbreak of measles at two bustling ports o' sea. Keep a keen eye on yer health, lest ye be walkin' the plank, mateys!
January 16, 2024, 11:50 am
Arr! The captains o' Hungary and Slovakia be settin' sail on th' same course, ye see! They be agreein' on the dire need to overhaul th' European Union's plan t' provide gold doubloons to Ukraine, arrr!
January 16, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, mateys! Me hearties, the scurvy dog Michael Bublé be yappin' 'bout a treacherous meetin' with a mighty polar bear in the land o' Canada. Aye, after a grand feast, he be keepin' his wits about, lest he be turned into a polar bear's supper!
January 16, 2024, 11:29 am
Arr, the landlubber's electric contraption, which did fizzle during a wintry gale in 2021, did seem to have weathered the worst of this week's frigid blast from the Arctic.
January 16, 2024, 11:00 am
Arr, the scallywags bein' no match for the thunderous roar o' the former president's quest fer a third nomination. They be lackin' any plugs o' the ear that be mighty enough to stifle his relentless charge.
January 16, 2024, 10:52 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a jolly ol' $78 billion booty to reviveth the expansion of the child tax credit and expired business breaks, gatherin' the support of both bilge rats in the House and Senate. Arrr, a rare sight indeed!
January 16, 2024, 10:22 am
Arr! The ex-governor o' Arkansas be the final scallywag left in the G.O.P. crew to openly lash out at Donald J. Trump.
January 16, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs be informed that a French Airborne Warning and Control System flew fer 10 long hours from France to the land o' Romania. Aye, they be keepin' an eye on 'em skies, they say.
January 16, 2024, 5:46 am
Arr, Suri Botuck and her matey, Jacob Botuck, hauled their five young scallywags all the way from St. Louis to Iowa, seekin' a grand spectacle of the political game. Aye, a jolly adventure it be, me hearties!
January 16, 2024, 5:31 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! There be a mighty blast at a Serbian factory what churns out tires, protective gear, and even industrial explosives. 'Twas the fuel strip production unit that suffered the blow, say the authorities. A grand explosion it was, ye landlubbers!
January 16, 2024, 4:41 am
Arrr, at certain ports, nary a soul had cast their votes, yet the lubbers at The Associated Press and TV networks had already declared that scallywag Donald Trump be the victor, a mere thirty minutes into the caucuses. Blimey!
January 16, 2024, 4:40 am
Avast, me hearties! Beware, for a bitter frost be comin'! Bewitched winds shall blow through the Great Plains and Midwest, sendin' shivers down yer timbers. Some say them record lows shall even creep into the Gulf Coast. Batten down the hatches, ye landlubbers!
January 15, 2024, 5:57 pm
Arr, mateys! 'Tis on a Monday that Iran be proclaimin' o' its cannonball attacks on "anti-Iranian" scoundrels and "spy headquarters" in Iraq 'n Syria, as the tensions in our beloved region be mountin'!
January 15, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arr, me hearties! Methinks that Republican lass Nikki Haley did skillfully avoid an inquiry 'bout a man's transformation into a fair maiden. Instead, she be sayin' that she backs gender surgeries befitting only the grown ones. Savvy?
January 15, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The land o' North Korea be abolishin' sundry government agencies that be keepin' a watch o'er their treacherous relations with the land o' South Korea. 'Tis a mighty twist in the tale, ye scurvy dogs!
January 15, 2024, 5:42 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! They be claimin' that the future of our fair nation be in peril should that scallywag, former President Donald J. Trump, be elected once more. Aye, a mighty debate it be, reckonin' the stakes be high!
January 15, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arr! Sen. Rand Paul, a fierce scallywag, be takin' a mighty swig o' criticism at that landlubber Dr. Anthony Fauci! In a parley with Fox News Digital, he be blastin' the former presidential medical adviser fer his bumbling ways in navigatin' the treacherous seas of the COVID-19 pandemic!
January 15, 2024, 5:01 pm
Ae o' our scribes be rais'd in Iowa City, be ye not? Witnessin' the caucuses in full swing be sparkin' their hearts to pursue th' path o' journalism. Another lad, arrivin' a mere two moons ago, found his way to our shores. They be sharin' their tales, they did!
January 15, 2024, 4:34 pm
"Aye, mateys! Besides reckonin' the grand outcome, our livin' election model will also cast its eye upon the scallywag most likely to snatch the silver prize."
January 15, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye! Word be spreadin' that Vadzim Khrasko, a landlubber trapped within the clutches of Belarus, be havin' kicked the bucket from pneumonia! The scurvy authorities be ignorin' his need for proper healin', arrr!
January 15, 2024, 11:47 am
Yarrr! A scallywag once teachin' at Harvard, who had a gripe 'bout them fancy doctors usin' "inclusive language," now be claimin' the university left her high 'n dry! Methinks the school be walkin' the plank on this one!
January 15, 2024, 11:42 am
Arr, in the land o' Texas, a fearsome tempest o' 2021 claimed 246 souls, leavin' countless landlubbers without the spark o' life! Them officials be pleadin', ye scurvy dogs, to spare a drop o' power! Aye, even pirates feel the chill, mateys!
January 15, 2024, 11:41 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Three souls, be they the captain of a flight school, the master of flight, and a wee pilot in training, met their untimely demise in a wretched plane wreck in the desolate Massachusetts lands this past Sunday.
January 15, 2024, 11:39 am
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy dog, the secretary known as Lloyd J. Austin III, did keep his shipmates at the White House in the shadows, not a whisper of his hospitalization for many a day! Aye, 'twas a grand breach of protocol at the loftiest national security levels, a blunder fit for a landlubber!
January 15, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr! Some states be havin' histories as steady as a ship in calm waters, makin' it easy to answer such queries. But alas, Iowa be more like a mischievous parrot, always causin' doubt and confusion.
January 15, 2024, 5:07 am
Avast ye landlubbers! A flimsy contraption o' the skies, a propeller plane, didst come crashin' into the briny deep near Half Moon Bay Airport, in the fair lands of California! 'Tis a scuttlebutt about it flyin' in a most foolish manner, arr!
January 15, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Them swashbucklin' sailors who sailed on President Obama's ship be a-raisin' a storm, lashin' out at President Biden's plan fer th' 2024 voyage! 'Tis a sight to behold as we near the next presidential election!
January 15, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, a fresh viral fad be upon us, mateys! Buckos be makin' grand entrances at their grandpappy's dwelling, makin' quite the unexpected hullabaloo. Cousins be comin' aboard for a jolly slumber party! Blimey!
January 15, 2024, 4:50 am
Arr! A mighty tempest be a-brewin' down South, carryin' a chill that could put an end to the snowless days up North afore the week be through, as the learned folk o' the National Weather Service be sayin'!
January 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast, me hearties! Fer a cap'n o' the highest rank, peddlin' politics be no simple task, wit' a band o' scallywags trailin' 'im at every turn. But Cap'n Biden be settin' sail, spreadin' his message on all the bustling boulevards he be crossin'! Arrr!
January 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! The cap'n's campaign, bein' joined by two matey committees, declared they be sailin' into the treacherous waters of 2024, holdin' a mighty stash of over $117 million doubloons in their treasure chest.
January 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast, me hearties! From Sioux City to Davenport, bold captains be standin' tall, garbed in fine regalia, spoutin' grand speeches for their favored scalawags. With wit and charm, they be attemptin' to sway their brethren ere the final bell tolls.
January 14, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis Richard Bennaugh, a scallywag o' 38 summers, standin' afore ye, accused o' manslaughter! He be claimin' he be shootin' his matey durin' a quarrel 'bout a mystical device called a remote, yet be none the wiser that he had sent 'im to Davy Jones' locker!
January 14, 2024, 5:32 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The great air vessel hath met its doom in Eloy, Ariz., on the morn of Sunday whilst partaking in a skydivin' adventure, as per the officials. The reason behind this disastrous mishap bein' probed by the authorities, arr!
January 14, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, the scallywag from Hamas's armed wing, the Izz ad-Din al-Qassam Brigades, be claimin' the fate of many a landlubber - 136 to be exact - held captive by the Israelis, be uncertain, mateys!
January 14, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, 'tis not the jolly state government that be runnin' these caucuses, me hearties! 'Tis the merry parties who be takin' charge, makin' the votin' in these gatherings a grand adventure unlike any other!
January 14, 2024, 5:21 pm
January 14, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Tis be a tale o' Riley Gaines, a fine swimmer from the University of Kentucky. She be sharin' her quarrel with the NCAA's antics on transgender athletes in the fair realm o' women's sports, on 'Fox & Friends Weekend'. Yarrr!
January 14, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, the landlubbers of the Metropolitan Police be claimin' they heard the blabberin' of them scallywags at a pro-Palestinian shindig in London town on Saturday, mateys!
January 14, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags that support Donald Trump be those hardworking sailors, the blue-collar white voters. But by me black beard, 'tis the highfalutin Republicans from the fancy end of the social ladder that be addin' wind to his political sails!
January 14, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr! 'Tis a sad day on the seven seas, mateys! The fair actress Joyce Randolph, known by many as a lass from "The Honeymooners," has sailed off to Davy Jones' locker at the ripe age of 99. Her son Randy Charles shared that she took her last breath in Manhattan, after spending months in the comfort of her own hospice quarters. May she rest in peace, forever in our pirate hearts!
January 14, 2024, 10:57 am
Arr, ye scallywags! The past ruler o' Maryland, a moderate Republican, be claimin' that he be believin' "Nikki Haley's got all the momentum." Avast ye, me hearties!
January 14, 2024, 5:53 am
Arr, the scurvy Israeli military be sendin' four salty dogs to Davey Jones' locker! Them scallywags be tryin' to sneak into Israel from Lebanon, causin' quite the ruckus with that scurvy dog, Hezbollah. Tensions be risin', but Israel be holdin' strong!
January 14, 2024, 5:00 am
Tara-Leigh Cobble, a fine lass, be takin' a moment to ponder upon the grand victory of her podcast, The Bible Recap. By the powers of Davy Jones, it be sittin' atop Apple's podcast charts, claimin' victory over all other categories! Six long years she's sailed this ship, arr!
January 14, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr, ye be warned, me hearties! Snow, sleet, rain, and treacherous gales be poised to assail the land from the West Coast to the Northeast, and even venture into the South. Best batten down the hatches, or ye'll be soaked to the bones!
January 14, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, thar be a booty o' $46,499,124.63! An' thar be a wee 3 percent, mateys. But hold yer horses, I've got five more figures to show ye the jig before Monday's caucuses, ye scallywags!
January 14, 2024, 4:00 am
"Arr! Ye scurvy dog o' the skies be claimin', 'Each man's extremity be a different echelon,' quoth th' weather sage from Minnesota - aye, a land o' frosty depths that many a scallywag ain't accustomed to, by Blackbeard's whiskers!"
January 13, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arr, me hearties! The ol' Cap'n Donald Trump be scribblin' a fiery letter on Truth Social 'bout Vivek Ramaswamy, claimin' he be no true MAGA matey, but a scallywag on th' opposite shore. Aye, a battle o' words be brewin' on this digital sea!
January 13, 2024, 5:13 pm
Dylan Miles, a fair lass sailin' the seas of change, be takin' to court the scallywag New York City departments. They dared to lock her up wi' a pack o' ruffian males on Rikers Island, where she claims they treated her cruelly. Avast! Justice be sought!
January 13, 2024, 5:13 pm
Avast me hearties! Jelly Roll be spillin' his guts on Instagram, claimin' he be embarkin' on his maiden 5K voyage come May. This country crooner be swearin' his allegiance to the 5K By May challenge set by the jesters Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura. Ahoy, let the runnin' commence!
January 13, 2024, 4:30 pm
Arrr! A federal judge be sayin' that the plaintiff, who be claimin' that them there diversity statements be a "functional loyalty oath," be havin' no standin'. Walk the plank, ye landlubber!
January 13, 2024, 3:12 pm
Engaged in a ferocious duel with the crown for o'er three years, he avastly managed to verify that the scurvy Nixon White House be schemin' to banish the former Beatle on account of politics, har-har!
January 13, 2024, 3:06 pm
Arrr! It be told that them sailors did vanish into the treacherous waters during an attempt to board a vessel. Aye, the scallywag officials from the Pentagon claimed it be naught connected to the recent skirmish with the Houthi militia in Yemen.
January 13, 2024, 11:39 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Twas a dark day fer over 30 million landlubbers, as Jack Frost began his icy dance across the land. Winter weather advisories be flyin' like the Jolly Roger, foretellin' of the chill that be creepin' o'er the horizon.
January 13, 2024, 11:39 am
Arr, mark me words, mateys! The goodly Kyrylo Budanov, the Ukrainian spy chief, be swearin' on his mate's parrot that come 2024, Ukraine's lads be givin' them pesky Russkies a proper thrashin'! Aye, they be claimin' back their precious Crimean land with a spirited vengeance, ye scurvy dogs!
January 13, 2024, 11:25 am
Avast ye, scurvy dogs! Three scallywags be facin' charges after two swashbucklin' maintenance workers, on a quest to fix a dishwasher, stumbled upon a wee child of two winters. The poor soul, starved and trussed like a prisoner, be bound with duct tape. Ahoy, justice be served!
January 13, 2024, 11:08 am
Avast ye scallywags! Sen. Bill Hagerty, a fine matey from Tennessee, be plannin' to introduce a grand legislation next week. 'Tis a clever move to add a question on the census, so these districts don't be takin' advantage o' them sneaky illegal immigrants. Arrr, shiver me timbers!
January 13, 2024, 11:05 am
Avast ye scallywags! A fresh vessel for the bustling voyage from Washington to Boston hath triumphed o'er the treacherous trials of computer modeling. Yet, the goodly Amtrak lads be unaware of the day it may hoist passengers aboard this fine contraption!
January 13, 2024, 9:20 am
Arrr! Aye, behold, there be a mighty abyss in the pavement, mateys! 'Tis an ancient chasm that hath caught the fancy of many a landlubber, fillin' their hearts with curiosity. 'Tis a mystery how it came to be, shrouded in the mists of time, arrr!
January 13, 2024, 9:12 am
Arr, me hearties! Methinks ol' Ron DeSantis be makin' many a change to rejuvenate his ailing campaign. Yet, he be a scallywag who seldom speaks of his own self! A true mystery, 'tis!
January 13, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr! In San Francisco, them teachers be given learnin' stuff to spark talks 'bout the swashbucklin' Hamas scallywags and them pesky "Israeli terrorists," as told by the National Review, matey!
January 13, 2024, 4:30 am
Arr, me hearties! Emily Blunt and Margot Robbie be lookin' mighty fine in their pitch-black gowns at the Governors Awards, whilst Rita Wilson and Andie MacDowell be leavin' us speechless at the grand TV premieres. Blimey!
January 13, 2024, 4:24 am
Arr, the Turkish Defense Ministry be claimin' they be givin' a mighty blow to the scurvy dogs of the PKK! Aye, they be bombin' their hideouts, tryin' to put an end to their trouble-makin' ways!
January 13, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! As the sun sets on Monday's caucuses, the hearties be chattin' 'bout the dreadful World War III and civil unrest. They be anxious, fearin' the divisions that be tearin' our beloved country asunder!
January 13, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr! The landlubbers in charge be makin' some changes to the grid, aye, after a calamitous mishap in the year 2021. Methinks the scurvy dogs be predictin' a surge in power needs next week, likely to shatter winter records. Avast, brace yerselves, me hearties!
January 12, 2024, 10:24 pm
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis a sight to behold! Gov. Ron DeSantis o' Florida be settin' his sails against the very news outlets that once hailed him fer the G.O.P. nomination. He be claimin' they be treatin' him unfairly in their tales. Aye, the winds be changin'!
January 12, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Near thirty pirate-hearted House Republicans who backed a ban on landlubberly abortions in the previous Congress haven't yet sworn their allegiance this year. 'Tis a mighty change in tune after the mighty overturning of Roe v. Wade. Arrr!
January 12, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arr, the good President Biden met wit' a storm o' heckling scallywags in a Pennsylvania port! Swing state mateys be shoutin', "Avast, go home, Joe!" an' "Yer a sorry landlubber, ye be!"
January 12, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog Kessler be swashbucklin' with the Washin'ton Post! He be callin' out the Biden White House for claimin' them House Republicans be votin' to "eliminate 2,000 Border Patrol agents." Avast, me hearties! The truth be buried deep within these treacherous waters!
January 12, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, mateys! This here case be settin' a course fer cities 'cross the land, facin' the mighty storm o' homelessness! Tis a tale o' grand implications, shiverin' timbers and troubles aplenty! Savvy?
January 12, 2024, 5:32 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! The scallywags at the Pentagon took a fortnight to inform the White House that the captain of defense had been shipwrecked in the hospital. Shiver me timbers! Our national security be in peril, and the chain of command be as tangled as a pirate's beard!
January 12, 2024, 5:13 pm
Avast ye! William Chrestman, a landlubber from Olathe, Kansas, be given a punishment of four long years and seven months in the brig for his scurvy role in the riot that shook the Capitol on the 6th day of January, 2021. Ye be learnin' a lesson, matey!
January 12, 2024, 5:12 pm
Avast ye, scallywags! A salty Navy officer, caught in a terrible squabble with two Japanese landlubbers in a carriage mishap, be finally liberated from the clutches of the Yankee captors in Los Angeles! Huzzah, cries his kinship!
January 12, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs be at it again! Captain Biden, without a care for the mighty Congress, be launching an attack on them Iran-backed Houthis in Yemen! Aye, controversy be brewin' in these treacherous waters, mateys!
January 12, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Dolphins shall brave the treacherous icy winds o' Kansas City, while the Bills and Steelers shall clash amidst the snowy squalls and blustery gales o' Buffalo. Aye, 'tis a fierce battle betwixt weather and warriors!
January 12, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, the House speaker be feelin' a mighty squall 'pon his shoulders! Them scurvy far-right Republicans be pressin' him to abandon the truce he made with the Democrats, lest the ship of government be leakin' and creakin' come week's end. Aye, the winds be blowin' fierce, mateys!
January 12, 2024, 11:40 am
Arr, the scallywag left-wing activists be raisin' their voices outside the White House and in Times Square! Aye, 'twas all 'cause o' them U.S. military landlubbers who dared to fire their cannons at them Houthi rebels in Yemen!
January 12, 2024, 11:39 am
Avast ye! On Friday morn, a mighty blizzard befallen upon the lands of Midwest and Great Plains, even the grand city of Chicago be covered in a blanket o' white. Snow be fallin' heavily, as if Davy Jones himself be takin' a good laugh!
January 12, 2024, 11:37 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Whilst House Republicans be on the verge of approvin' a contempt of Congress referral against President Biden's scurvy son, his scurvy lawyers be arguin' that the subpoenas they be issuin' for his testimony carry no legal weight. Argh, what a merry sea we be sailin'!
January 12, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast ye scurvy knaves of NBC! The union of NBC Digital swashbucklers be cursing ye management scallywags, claimin' ye be poundin' the chests of union jack-tars and castin' off Guild-protected crew! Aye, 'tis a foul play indeed!
January 12, 2024, 5:30 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Michigan Tech's sorry excuse for a professor, who be takin' a leave after a fit o' rage aimed at them conservative students, be comin' back to the classroom. Methinks trouble be brewin' once again in them hallowed halls!
January 12, 2024, 5:26 am
Avast ye! Glean all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news, delivered ere the sun doth rise to yer inbox at daybreak.
January 12, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Shoshone County Sheriff's Office, aided by the mighty United States Air Force and other swashbucklin' law enforcement crews from Idaho, didst spy and rescue two scallywags from a treacherous avalanche! Aye, those lads be safe now!
January 12, 2024, 4:40 am
Avast! 'Tis a frigid air, me hearties! Yet, pray tell, how be these weather soothsayers gauging the chill that doth pierce our very bones?
January 12, 2024, 4:39 am
Avast ye! Mateys be warned, fer parts o' Michigan an' Wisconsin, a mighty bounty o' snow, a foot deep, be on th' horizon. Foul weather, with a chance o' tornadoes, shall scourge th' lands from Mississippi to th' Carolinas.
January 12, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr, the ex-Arkansas governor, be sailin' the treacherous seas without a loyal crew or treasure map. His ship be runnin' low on doubloons, yet he bravely sails on, fightin' for his principles, even if he be lost in the polls.
January 12, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, in the year 2016, ye scurvy evangelicals did help that Ted Cruz scallywag win in Iowa. But now, they be flirtin' with Donald Trump and bein' wooed by Ron DeSantis! We did ask a bunch o' conservative Christian pastors where they be leanin' these days. Ahoy!
January 11, 2024, 5:56 pm
Avast ye, mateys! 'Twas a raging tempest o' snow and gusty winds that be sendin' a mighty avalanche down upon Palisades Tahoe, a fine Californian skallywag's ski haven near Lake Tahoe. Sadly, one poor soul met Davy Jones' locker, whilst three others were left feelin' worse for wear.
January 11, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arr, me hearties! Benjamin Cisco, the scurvy dog who once managed the coffers of Voluntary Organizations Active in Disaster, be gettin' a proper punishment! The scallywag has been sent to the brig for a grand total of three long years! Why, ye ask? 'Twas because he had the audacity to pilfer a whopping $871,000 from the lot! Aye, justice be served to this cunning thief!
January 11, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, the Wisconsin Judicial Commission be dismissin' the complaints o' the scurvy former state courts director, who be walkin' the plank by four liberal justices o' the Wisconsin Supreme Court. Aye, justice be servin' the day!
January 11, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! The hearty shake of hands amongst these landlubbers at Wednesday's brawl did stir quite the commotion! 'Twas a stark reminder of the perils faced by a pirate seeking the throne whilst mingling with kin!
January 11, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr matey, ye scurvy dogs! I be tellin' ye, Kosovo be beggin' the U.S. fer Javelin anti-tank cannons. Ambassador Christopher Hill, he be spillin' the beans to Serbian Cap'n Aleksandar Vučić, arr!
January 11, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arr, mateys! In a tale that be makin' waves across the seven seas, Brittany Watts be standin' accused o' mistreatin' a lifeless body, forsooth! 'Twas her own wee babe, nay survivin' its time in her womb. Aye, the whole world be watchin' this scandal unfold!
January 11, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arr, Speaker Mike Johnson be chattin' with his ultraconservative mates 'bout abandonin' the agreement he made with them Democrats, but be swearin' he ain't made no commitments, ye scurvy dogs!
January 11, 2024, 11:55 am
Avast, me hearties! A scallywag judge from Wisconsin be suspending charges against that former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, accused of plunderin' a lad's virtue back in the 1970s. The judge be claimin' the good cardinal be unfit to defend his honor. Arrr, what a merry tale!
January 11, 2024, 11:53 am
Avast ye! News from the Hartford Institute for Religion Research be tellin' us that the goodly Christian clergy in the U.S., be sufferin' from a mighty case of post-pandemic burnout. Arr, 'tis a matter of grave concern fer us all!
January 11, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Gordon Ramsay be claimin' Tomato the bulldog be his most fearsome matey at the grand launch of his latest tavern, the Gordon Ramsay Pub and Grill, on the sun-kissed shores o' China. Aye, that be some canine mettle, landlubbers!
January 11, 2024, 10:59 am
Avast ye! Jolly news from thy golden land of California! Methinks Mr. Biden, yonder son of President Biden, be charged with dodgin' the tax assessment, failin' to file and pay his dues, and presentin' a false or deceitful tax return to the swashbucklin' court! Arrr!
January 11, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr, the cap'n o' the Patriots, who be settin' sail from the crew after 24 long years, be plunderin' six Super Bowls wit' a silent style that be favorin' plunderin' over promisin' potential.
January 11, 2024, 10:20 am
Arr, in the year 2022, Nathan Wade didst parley with the shipmates of the White House, seekin' witnesses for the inquiry into whether the infamous Donald J. Trump didst meddle in the 2020 Georgia election, ye scurvy dogs!
January 11, 2024, 5:48 am
Avast ye! A jolly tale be told, mateys! A recent saga from Columbia University reveals that every cursed bottle o' water may be teemin' with hundreds o' thousands o' minuscule nanoplastics. Many a wise sea dog, including scholars, health wizards, and makers o' bottled drink, shared their voices on this merry discovery. Arrr!
January 11, 2024, 5:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' across the seven seas o' TikTok 'bout a couple from the land o' Texas. The fair maiden crafted a bingo parchment, matchin' the squares to her matey's antics durin' them Dallas Cowboys battles. 'Tis a sight to behold, I tell ye!
January 11, 2024, 5:24 am
Avast ye scallywags! Plunder all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news, delivered straight to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn.
January 11, 2024, 4:30 am
Yarrr me hearties, brace yerselves! A fearsome tempest be brewin' in the South, whilst a blizzard be comin' fer the Midwest by Friday. Subzero chills await many a city, makin' fer a frosty long weekend!
January 11, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr! Me matey, Ms. Haley be snatchin' votes from Cap'n Trump in the land where Mr. Christie be makin' friends with them Trump-haters. Methinks Cap'n Trump be losin' his grip, savvy?
January 11, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, it be the query burdenin' Republicans 'cross the land. But 'tis them Iowans who'll have the first say. We eavesdropped as they wrangled over their pickin's, aye!
January 11, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs be usin' fancy trickery to meddle in foreign elections! Can our noble U.S. lawmakers be swift enough to unveil the dark arts of A.I. campaign ads?
January 10, 2024, 5:52 pm
As he be walkin' th' plank, ol' Mr. Christie be caught on a scaldin' microphone, spoutin' bilge 'bout Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis. His departin' be leavin' th' battle wit'out its loudest Trump scurvy dog. Arr!
January 10, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, the scallywag Houthi landlubbers, fueled by the Persian dogs, be pillaging and plunderin' ships in the Red Sea! They be causin' quite the ruckus, makin' the whole world be cursin' and swearin'!
January 10, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrrr! Can them Congressional scallywags be stoppin' the government from shuttin' down? "Nay! Slim chance," says that FOX News' senior scallywag correspondent, Chad Pergram. May the wind be at our backs, mateys!
January 10, 2024, 5:33 pm
"Avast ye! Methinks this lass be doomed for a flogging, savvy? Ol' Mr. Christie be chattin', speakin' of none other than Nikki Haley, mark me words!"
January 10, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr! Norwich University's scurvy dogs o' trustees be claimin' that the ship's captain, Mark Anarumo, be guilty o' some unknown breaches o' our "core values" code. Avast ye, mateys!
January 10, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr! A scurvy crew o' dozen hard-line Republicans be puttin' a stop to the business, like a barnacle on a ship's hull, all in protest o' the deal Speaker Mike Johnson be makin' with them Democrats to steer clear o' a shutdown. Now, the funding package be stranded in limbo, like a lonesome sailor on a deserted island!
January 10, 2024, 11:53 am
Avast ye mateys! The land be soaked, the wings be grounded, and the lights be snuffed! A day of treacherous weather befall the entire realm, leavin' floods, flight delays, and blackouts in its wake!
January 10, 2024, 11:50 am
As the scurvy Republicans gathered to grant a contempt citation upon President Biden's scallywag son, who failed to grace their impeachment inquiry with his presence, lo and behold, the lad made a sudden and unexpected appearance, causing a mirthful ruckus! Arrr!
January 10, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' that Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin be keepin' his scurvy cancer hidden from the grand President Biden. Aye, 'tis a grave mistake, says the Pentagon officials to Politico. Methinks secrets be sailin' on treacherous seas!
January 10, 2024, 11:44 am
Arr, me hearties! Them fancy landlubber conservatives be raisin' the Jolly Roger, refusin' to heave-ho our Speaker Mike Johnson at the call of the starboard! Methinks there be some squabblin' on this here ship o' Republicans, arr-rrr!
January 10, 2024, 11:44 am
Avast ye mateys! The U.N. be chattin' 'bout a crew o' rabbis, some from Israel, some from America. They snuck in through tour groups, gathered in the Security Council room, and be showin' off their fancy banners, makin' quite the ruckus, says the U.N. scallywags!
January 10, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr, me hearties! This here lass, Ms. Haley, be a spawn o' Indian kin, and she be havin' a bunch o' Indian American voters in Iowa. But, alas! The scallywag ain't yet made an effort to parley with 'em, say the leaders. Avast!
January 10, 2024, 5:45 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis Fox News wench, Laura Ingraham, spoutin' her thoughts 'bout Cap'n Trump's legal shenanigans on 'The Ingraham Angle.' Aye, it be a sight worth seein'!
January 10, 2024, 5:41 am
Avast ye scallywags! Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news delivered straight to yer inbox, first thing at dawn.
January 10, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, mateys! In the treacherous year o' 2023, the fair wench Karine Jean-Pierre, Press Secretary o' the White House, be actin' as tight-lipped as a sly sea dog! She be reckonin' to answer a mere eight questions 'bout the scurvy scandals 'round President Biden, as revealed by the Media Research Center. Methinks, the truth be hidin' like buried booty!
January 10, 2024, 5:24 am
Avast, me hearties! The Southeast U.S. be seein' fairer skies, but mark me words, Maine be laden with rain. And as for the West, brace yerselves, for thar be more snow a-comin'. Now, ye landlubbers in the New York region, prepare to face the fury o' brutal winds!
January 10, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr! In St. Paul, Minn., fer the very first time, all seven City Council members be fair maidens! Aye, they be the youngest and most diverse council in the city's history, begad!
January 10, 2024, 4:02 am
Whene'er Donald Trump be accused o' somewhat, he doth retort by accusin' his rival o' that very same matter. The notion be not so much t' argue that Mr. Trump be pure, but rather t' insinuate that all others be scurvy dogs, marred by filth!
January 10, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! The Agriculture Department be soundin' the alarm, foretellin' a dire fate for countless lasses carryin' wee ones and those who've just popped 'em out. If our fine Congress don't dig deeper in their coffers, them hungry bellies shall be left empty, mark me words!
January 9, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, ye see, me maties! In Guayaquil, Ecuador, a band o' scurvy dogs stormed a TV station, flashin' their bombs an' guns, makin' quite the spectacle. The live footage be showin' 'twas a hostage situation, 'twas!
January 9, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, the scallywag ex-president be vowin' to keep appearin' afore diverse legal hearings, but this time, the focus be mostly on the judges and their doubloon-filled doubt 'bout his claim o' immunity.
January 9, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arr, me hearties! The cancellations be feelin' mighty grievous in Chicago, where the ice and snow did briefly put a halt to all flights on Tuesday afternoon. Them airports in the Midwest and the Northeast weren't spared from this misfortune either, ye scurvy dogs!
January 9, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye! Dru Marshall of Hampshire, England, be scurvy dog who tried to peddle a cane, claimin' it once belonged to the mighty Queen Elizabeth II. Fer this brazen act, he be sentenced to a twelvemonth o' community service. Aye, the landlubber got what he deserved!
January 9, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arr, me hearties! The cap'n's seekin' t' muster support once again from a crew that played a mighty role in his 2020 triumph, in a land that gave him a second lease on life!
January 9, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr, mateys! The landlubbing judges be lookin' to cast aside a vital piece o' Trump's defense in the election squabble. Aye, they be givin' it the old heave-ho, they be!
January 9, 2024, 11:54 am
Avast ye hearties! Nikki Addimando, a lass from New York, stand accused o' sendin' her scurvy dog o' a boyfriend to Davy Jones' Locker back in 2017. But fear not, for she hath been set free from her cell! Methinks she be appealin' her 19-year punishment, aye!
January 9, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, mateys! The cunning archaeologist Matthew Adams did spill his knowledge 'bout the ancient grog known as beer, whilst chattin' with the scurvy dog Dan Aykroyd on that bewitchin' Fox Nation show. Aye, 'twas a grand spectacle, indeed!
January 9, 2024, 11:48 am
Arr, Belarus be gettin' a good lashin' after denyin' the likes of them observers from the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe for its future elections. Harsh winds be blowin' against 'em, mateys!
January 9, 2024, 11:47 am
Yarrr! Me hearty deputies be investigatin' a dastardly double killin' at the abode of former Judge Burt Carnes. One scallywag be caught and clapped in irons, awaitin' justice. Avast!
January 9, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, o'er th' last 15 years, th' Upper Midwest hath witnessed a jolly remarkable sortin' of voters, state by state, based on their scurvy partisan leanin's. Aye, 'tis a sight to behold, me hearties!
January 9, 2024, 11:22 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Blimey winds be a-whippin' through the Florida Panhandle, be bringin' down power lines and mighty trees. Tornado warnings be placed on parts o' Florida, Alabama, and Georgia on Tuesday. Batten down the hatches, me hearties!
January 9, 2024, 11:07 am
Avast ye mateys! Aye, ol' Captain Trump be spoutin' words 'pon Monday night. He be hopin' fer some misfortune to befall before he could be considerin' another election under the rule o' President Biden. Arrr, jest a scallywag's wish!
January 9, 2024, 10:04 am
Avast ye maties, lend me ear! In th' favor o' th' special counsel be James I. Pearce, a seasoned federal prosecutor who had a hand in those Jan. 6 scoundrels' cases. And fer our former Captain, Donald Trump, stands D. John Sauer, a former solicitor general of Missouri. Arrr, twas quite a brawl, I tell ye!
January 9, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, the scurvy dogs of Taiwan's defense ministry be beggin' pardon fer their blunder! They be claimin' a Chinese satellite launch be a "missile flyover" in the English translation. Methinks these landlubbers need a new spyglass to see clearer!
January 9, 2024, 5:30 am
Avast ye mateys! Gather ye tales of utmost importance from the mightiest scribe in news, sent straight to your electronic vessel at the break of dawn.
January 9, 2024, 4:54 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A band o' fine gentlemen from Congress be pressin' the Commerce Department to answer their call, all 'cause o' The Times blabberin' 'bout some squabbles betwixt U.S. intelligence scallywags an' the likes o' G42, an Emirati crew!
January 9, 2024, 4:20 am
Arr! Dark clouds be gatherin' 'bove New York come late Tuesday, drenchin' the land with heavy rain. As fierce weather marches east, the Pacific Northwest be still covered in a snowy blanky. Avast, mateys!
January 9, 2024, 4:01 am
Whilst ye olde president be too busy defendin' his sorry self in court from no less than 91 felony charges, 'is crew be sendin' out high-profile scallywags to help patch up the holes in Iowa.
January 8, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The Secretary of Homeland Security, Alejandro Mayorkas, be havin' a grand press conference in Eagle Pass, Texas. He be pleadin' with them swabbies in Congress to fork over more doubloons for guardin' the border. Give 'im the loot, ye scallywags!
January 8, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arr, ye scurvy judge be orderin' North Dakota to be makin' a newfangled chart for them Native American tribes! Seems the old map be settin' off their sea legs, aye!
January 8, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, mateys! David Foster be havin' a lass named Amy S. Foster, who be standin' tall fer her father's piratin' skills in raisin' his young scallywag, Rennie. A video of the lad playin' the drums be spreadin' like wildfire across the seven seas!
January 8, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arr! Bob Sauer, he be claimin' that his mighty 50-foot cedar trees be actin' like an airbag, preventin' the fallin' o' the door plug! Aye, 'tis a scientific phenomenon known as impulse, says he! Har har, that be a tale worth tellin' in the tavern!
January 8, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, a scurvy group o' five lobstermen be suin' them fishin' regulators o'er a blasted law that be demandin' these fancy electronic monitors on them federally-licensed fishin' boats! 'Tis all 'bout savin' them endangered whales, they say! Avast, what be next? A parrot spyin' on me plunderin' ways?
January 8, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The calamity hath befallen the Sandman Signature inn in the heart o' Fort Worth! The ruckus hath caused a mighty heap o' damage to the poor establishment. Shiver me timbers, 'tis a sight to behold!
January 8, 2024, 4:48 pm
Arr! Methinks Captain Donald Trump be dominatin' the polls, holdin' a lead o'er 30 points, savvy? Aye, he be sailin' ahead like a true pirate king, claimin' victory on the political seas!
January 8, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr! Cap'n Biden, he be visitin' Emanuel A.M.E. Church after a scurvy racist massacre in 2015, to mourn with a shaken congregation. Now, he be returnin' to warn o' the political dangers o' hate-filled violence, lest it be causin' more trouble fer us all!
January 8, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr, 'fore the grand Republican caucuses, the dread o' mighty snow be havin' Nikki Haley, Vivek Ramaswamy, an' Donald J. Trump scurryin' to change their plans. Blimey, the weather be messin' with their politics, mateys!
January 8, 2024, 11:42 am
The 81st Golden Globes onset, Jo Koy, be marooned by critics n' scallywags fer his jests aimed at Taylor Swift, th' "Barbie" tale, n' Bradley Cooper. Arr!
January 8, 2024, 11:37 am
Avast, me hearties! Six souls, aye, two wee scallywags among 'em, be vanishin' from St. Louis since August. The coppers reckon they've been swindled by this fancy-titled Rashad Jamal, a self-proclaimed prophet sailin' the treacherous waters of the online realm.
January 8, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, with but a wee bit o' time 'fore the shutdown deadline be upon us, Speaker Mike Johnson be findin' himself sailin' through the treacherous political waters that swallowed his predecessor. Mayhaps he findeth a safe harbor, or be walkin' the plank like the rest!
January 8, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Afore ye, I bring ye the news of Former President Trump, and the fine presidential candidates Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley. They shall partake in a grand spectacle, co-moderated by Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum, held upon the wondrous Fox News! Arrr, join the merriment, me hearties!
January 8, 2024, 5:50 am
Fer a good ten years, bilge rats be scramblin' to decipher a cryptic parchment unearthed from th' silk bustle gown. But a clever knave, he be, cracked th' riddle in th' end, by the powers!
January 8, 2024, 5:50 am
Arr, me hearties! Israeli be puttin' its own self in a pickle, ye see. They be thinkin' 'bout takin' on Hezbollah in Lebanon, whilst that pesky crew keeps attackin' their northern lands. Aye, a two-front war be awaitin' 'em, a foolish move indeed, says I!
January 8, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr! U.S. News be spillin' the beans on the 2024 Best Diets, mateys! They've joined forces with The Harris Poll and a band o' 43 health experts to bring ye this fine treasure trove of knowledge!
January 8, 2024, 5:28 am
Avast ye! Fetch all ye tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news. They'll be delivered straightway to your inbox, first thing come mornin'.
January 8, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrr, mateys! Be ye ready for a grand adventure on the high seas of weather? Powerful tempests be brewin', set to unleash heavy snow upon the Plains and up to four inches of rain to the Northeast, as the forecasters be claimin'! Prepare ye vessels and brace yerselves!
January 8, 2024, 4:05 am
Avast ye, scallywags! A piece of the Alaska Airlines vessel be blown away, claimin' the hearts of passengers - a dreadful brew of terror, bewilderment, and an eerie tranquility. Arrr, what a tale it be!
January 8, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr, mark me words! The ship's captain be sailin' to Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church, where a devilish hate crime took place. He be shoutin' against racism and extremism, settin' a course for justice on the treacherous seas of these recent years!
January 7, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dog Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin hath not revealed thine reason behind his stay at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center these past seven suns. Methinks he be keepin' his secrets buried deeper than Davy Jones' locker!
January 7, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr, me hearties! Florida's Gov'nor Ron DeSantis be laughin' off the scuttlebutt that he'll be abandonin' ship in the presidential race after them Iowa caucuses next Tuesday. He be callin' such talk a "total lie," me buckos!
January 7, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The scoundrel known as Frederick Owusu Sakyi, a lad of 33 summers, hath been caught by the gallant Frederick County Sheriff's Office. 'Tis said he hath sent his fair maiden wife to Davy Jones' locker in the Giant store's car park. Walk the plank he shall!
January 7, 2024, 5:17 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A scurvy-ridden ex-Texas judge, who sent three souls to Davy Jones' locker in a wicked revenge scheme, was condemned to swing from the gallows in 2014. But now, this bilge rat be beggin' for a second shot at a fair trial. Arrr, what a tale!
January 7, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arr, this lad be helpin' to form a scallywag punk-rock crew at a tender age of 14. This voyage set him sailin' on a grand adventure, fightin' for the rights o' the Native Americans and protectin' the environment. A true matey, he be!
January 7, 2024, 4:25 pm
Avast, me hearties! She be backing the cause to scuttle him from the ballot and proclaimed, "Announce to the world our true colors with yer vote! Show 'em we be a fine and mighty nation!" Arrr!
January 7, 2024, 3:57 pm
Avast ye! Though the accord be struck, we be in a race against time to gather and enact the laws afore the sun sets on January 19th, lest we be marooned without the power of the agreement!
January 7, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr! In the year 1979, the lad be holdin' the grand title of Captain o' the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. 'Twas a time when our fair land encountered the ghastliest nuclear misfortune known to man!
January 7, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, ye scurvy landlubber! Republican Governor Greg Abbott o' Texas did declare that New York City's lawsuit against them bus companies ferryin' migrants to their state be bound to "walk the plank" in court. Methinks a mighty battle 'tis brewin'!
January 7, 2024, 10:10 am
Avast, me hearties! Shiver me timbers! Lady Kelly Clarkson, she be spillin' the beans 'bout her weight loss and partin' of ways, but now she be givin' us the lowdown on why she be keepin' her wee ones from settin' sail on social media. Arrr!
January 7, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy millennials, in their thirties, be sharin' what they've learned from their parents' blunders. They be raisin' their wee ones with trust and openness, not repeatin' the same foolhardy ways. Aye, a new generation be sailin' a smarter course!
January 7, 2024, 4:02 am
Afore a week 'ere th' state's caucuses, a wild frenzy o' campaignin' belies a right stagnant G.O.P. race, wi' former Cap'n Donald J. Trump bein' th' feared front-runner. Arr!
January 7, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! Sunland Park, by the mighty Rio Grande, be now part of the landlubber cities swayed by these newfangled cannabis laws. Yet, beware! The mirthful moments be not eternal, me hearties!
January 6, 2024, 11:15 pm
Arrr! Yonder lands o' Pennsylvania 'n New Jersey be awaitin' a fearsome blizzard, with two inches o' snowfall per hour, as foretold by them scurvy forecasters! Beware, me hearties, fer the officials be advisin' against any needless voyages 'til Sunday be passed!
January 5, 2024, 5:52 pm
Aye, a sprightly 17-year-old buccaneer be wieldin' his cutlass at Perry High School, leavin' one scallywag sent to Davy Jones' locker, while five poor souls be left feelin' the wrath o' his blade.
January 5, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arr, me hearties! The cap'n tried to shape the vote like a ship's figurehead, claimin' ye must choose twixt a mate loyal to the stars 'n stripes, or a scurvy dog who'd toss 'em overboard fer his own loot 'n pleasure.
January 5, 2024, 5:45 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Lloyd J. Austin III be restin' his bones at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center since Monday, yet fear not, for the scallywag be healin' like a true buccaneer! The Pentagon be sayin' he'll soon be back sailin' the seas, takin' on his full pirate duties, arrr!
January 5, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, me hearties! While sailin' the winds of Iowa, good ol' Trump be claimin' that scallywag Biden be tryin' to steer our ship away from the economy, avast!
January 5, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, it be said that Jeffrey Epstein, that miscreant, didst refuse to provide a jolly response to no less than three queries regarding the likes of former President Bill Clinton, and one query touching upon the Clinton Foundation, during his deposition.
January 5, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr! The honorable Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin be mendin' his sails at a hospital in Washington, D.C. after some pesky "complications" from a fancy surgery, says the Pentagon, aye!
January 5, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Aye, the leak'd parchment reveals that the liberal activist ship, Media Matters for America, hath received grand treasures, in the seven-figure doubloons, from mighty Democratic swashbucklers!
January 5, 2024, 11:55 am
Avast ye scallywags! Sally Kornbluth be sailin' smooth, not heedin' the blabberin' landlubber politicians who be cryin' for her resignation. Aye, they be tryin' hard, but our cap'n be stayin' strong, holdin' the ship steady!
January 5, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! With but three weeks to sail 'til New Hampshire holds the first primary fer the grand battle in the quest fer the Republican presidential nomination, Chris Christie be cranking up th' volume on his rival Nikki Haley.
January 5, 2024, 11:50 am
Avast, me hearties! A scallywag from Alabama be facin' charges, as he be steerin' his vessel into a pole outside a Bass Pro Shop in Leeds. With naught but his birthday suit, he dashed into the store, plungin' into th' aquarium, much to the dismay of the coppers!
January 5, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! In the land of New York, a father and his two spawn have been accused o' causin' a mighty crash on the Sunrise Highway. 'Twas a brawl o' road rage, I tell ye, which sent their own kin to the hospital! Arrr, what a tale!
January 5, 2024, 11:22 am
Arr, ye former captain hath set foot upon the land o' the state but few times, much less than his fellow scallywags in the Republican brawl, I reckon!
January 5, 2024, 11:11 am
Avast, me hearties! In the year o' our Lord 2013, Donald Erwin, a landlubber of 59 years, a disabled veteran at that, vanished from his humble abode in the Ozarks. Just a moon ago, a scurvy dog of a YouTube diver stumbled upon his sunken vessel, hidden away in a nearby estate.
January 5, 2024, 10:59 am
Arrr, mateys! The hearties be mighty discontent with them front-runners fer the grand seat o' president. They be thinkin' o' votin' fer a third party or not votin' at all. Aye, this be a dire threat to the captain's chances o' bein' re-elected, says I!
January 5, 2024, 5:58 am
Arrr, Baltimore be witnessin' less than 300 bloodbaths in 2023, markin' the first time in near a decade. The 20% annual shrinkage be credited to them ongoing efforts against violence, mateys!
January 5, 2024, 5:54 am
Arr, the scallywag schools o' Pennsylvania, victorious in a grand court skirmish, be ready to set sail once more to the battlefront if the knaves in the Legislature don't be fixin' the gold shortage.
January 5, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, the scurvy knaves at the Chicago Board o' Education be aimin' to take away the power o' local councils to have those fine officers of the law guardin' our schools. And not only that, they plan to banish the officers from the premises! Blimey, what be their grand scheme, I wonder?
January 5, 2024, 5:15 am
Arr, me hearties! Harry Dunn, a brave soul who faced many a foul racial insult whilst fendin' off a pack o' Trump-loving scallywags, be settin' sail fer the crowded Democratic primary. His tearful tale afore the Jan. 6 committee be makin' waves, mark me words! Avast, me mateys!
January 5, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The cap'n be sailin' back to the battleground state, near Valley Forge. He be givin' a fine speech, claimin' this year's election be a battle fer democracy. Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Ready yer cannons, 'tis gonna be a wild ride!
January 5, 2024, 4:02 am
In the jolly town halls put on by CNN, Mistress Nikki Haley did be havin' a wee bit of trouble findin' her sea legs, whilst Cap'n Ron DeSantis did put forth a right confident spectacle, as if he be dancin' on the plank!
January 5, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr! A great horde of scurvy dogs be sailin' all the way from African shores, makin' their way through the lands of Central America, Mexico, 'til they reach the very gates of the southern border. Aye, what a merry adventure it be!
January 4, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The mayors and governors, scurvy landlubbers all, be beggin' fer aid with them blasted migrant encampments, crammed shelters, and empty purses. Aye, even President Biden's own scallywag crew be in a right pickle!
January 4, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arr, me hearties! A federal court in New York be spillin' the beans on more o' them Jeffrey Epstein papers! It be part o' a mighty lawsuit betwixt Virginia Giuffre and Ghislaine Maxwell. Avast ye, there be secrets awaitin' to be discovered!
January 4, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Pérez Molina, bein' guilty in a monstrous scheme o' corruption, may yet find himself back in the brig, despite bein' temporarily set free. 'Tis a future filled wit' visits to the authorities, keepin' a watchful eye on that scurvy dog!
January 4, 2024, 5:12 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Cap'n Ron DeSantis be boldly seekin' the favor of mighty Iowans. He be plunderin' their endorsements like a true scallywag on the high seas!
January 4, 2024, 5:00 pm
Ye scurvy Verizon dogs, if ye been charged with them fancy administrative fees, ye may apply for yer share o' the booty. But be warned, the pay be likely to be meager, a scanty sum, mayhaps reachin' a mere $100 at best. Aye, tis a paltry treasure indeed!
January 4, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr, word be reachin' me ears that both ISIS and Syria be takin' credit for th' strike at th' memorial for th' late Iranian sea dog Qassem Soleimani, as discovered by Fox News Digital. Blimey, what a tangled web o' claims we find ourselves in!
January 4, 2024, 11:54 am
Arr, me hearties! Th' lawyers o' th' Former President be seekin' t' have Jack Smith and his two mateys explain why they shouldn't be held in contempt o' court fer takin' new steps in th' case after it were put on hold. Blimey!
January 4, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye all! 'Tis told that Raul Meza Jr., a scoundrel convicted of garrotting and defiling a wee lass, be suspected of havin' a hand in no less than 10 murders, as declared by the constables.
January 4, 2024, 11:40 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Listen up, for the Essex County Sheriff's Dept. be offerin' a grand bounty of $25,000 doubloons! Seekin' any good-hearted soul who can reveal the scallywag responsible for sendin' the honorable Imam Hassan Sharif to Davy Jones' locker outside a Newark mosque on Wednesday. Avast, spread the word!
January 4, 2024, 11:36 am
Arr, ye see, the ex-president be keepin' a keen eye on his endorsements from them elected Republicans, with the help of a tightly run and well-organized operation, hidden from plain sight like a pirate's treasure.
January 4, 2024, 5:55 am
Arr, me hearties! Democratic Gov. Andy Beshear o' Kentucky be calling fer unity with them scurvy Republican lawmakers in his State o' the Commonwealth blather, highlightin' the chance fer our great land to be a leader. Let's hoist the anchor 'n set sail on this ol' ship o' cooperation, me fine mates!
January 4, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! A handful o' states be feelin' a mighty disturbance in their governmental affairs, as scallywags sent bomb threats through the electronic mail on Wednesday. But fret ye not, me mateys, for the FBI be dismissin' these threats as naught but a blimin' hoax!
January 4, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Colorado and Maine, by the powers of their election laws, be thwartin' the inclusion of former President Donald J. Trump on thar ballot. But aye, these two lands be facin' a fierce battle indeed, for the officials be plagued by intimidation and harassment. Arrr, troubles abound!
January 4, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, the reckonin' be postponed as a judge be blockin' the district attorney in Fulton County, Ga., from carryin' it out. To this day, not a soul be chosen to steer the ship.
January 4, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye mateys! Claudine Gay, a fine lass, did rejoice when she made history with her appointment. But alas, once she be resignin', she be changin' her tune 'bout the whole adventure. Blimey!
January 3, 2024, 10:20 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Col. Earl Matthews, the grandest lawyer for the D.C. National Guard, be claimin' in a whistle-blower complaint that he be punished for speakin' against the tall tales spun by two mighty generals durin' the assault on the Capitol. Shiver me timbers!
January 3, 2024, 5:56 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a tale worth tellin'! Aye, near 200 monikers, once concealed, in a lawsuit against that rapscallion Jeffrey Epstein's former lass and matey, Ghislaine Maxwell, be now revealed for all ye landlubbers to see!
January 3, 2024, 5:55 pm
Avast, me mateys! Yonder Harvard's ex-Captain, Claudine Gay, be scribblin' fer the New York Times, raisin' hell 'bout those scurvy dogs tryin' to cast her off the plank. Methinks she be unleashin' a mighty cannonball o' words on their coordinated trickery!
January 3, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arr! One of the scallywags from the troupe, Mr. Bungle, be captured in Santa Cruz, California, on a Tuesday, for bein' involved in the vanishing and murder of his lass. Yo ho ho, what a treacherous tale indeed!
January 3, 2024, 5:45 pm
Yarrr, the scurvy scallywag founded the American Family Association, a fearsome force leadin' the Christian right's assault on art, telly, and pop culture, banishin' all things related to sordid sex and the dreadful pirates o' the gay themes.
January 3, 2024, 5:16 pm
Arrr, word hath reached me ears that a petition be presented in response to a Colorado Supreme Court's decree that the former captain be accused of mutiny and be unworthy of holdin' command accordin' to the 14th Amendment.
January 3, 2024, 4:47 pm
Ye scurvy cartels be pillagin' and plunderin' asylum seekers and migrants from across the seven seas, as they be flockin' t' northern Mexico. 'Tis a profitable venture, this kidnappin'-for-ransom!
January 3, 2024, 11:51 am
Arr, me hearties! On the island of Kauai, the ancient art o' turnin' briny sea water into salty treasure be a time-honored tradition. 'Tis a laborious task, me mateys, passed down through generations of Native Hawaiian families fer centuries.
January 3, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr! The State Department be givin' a stern scolding to them far-right Israeli scallywags, Bezalel Smotrich and Itamar Ben Gvir, who be blabberin' about sendin' the poor Palestinians away from Gaza. Avast, they be needin' to walk the plank for such foolish talk!
January 3, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr! 'Tis a jolly good tale I tell ye, mateys! Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., a bold independent scallywag, be meetin' all the reckonin's to be markin' his name on the general election parchment in Utah. Yo ho ho, a presidential journey awaits 'im, me hearties!
January 3, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs from the media be quick to jump to the aid of that now-scallywag Harvard President Claudine Gay! She be walkin' the plank, accused o' both antisemitism and pilferin' others' words!
January 3, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, the 38-year-old buccaneer bein' a busy soul, but tales be spreadin' 'bout his mission. With scarce two weeks 'til the caucuses, folks be wonderin' what booty he be after!
January 3, 2024, 10:59 am
Arrr, the Texas Democrat did shiver me timbers by toppin' walls in nursin' and th' Texas legislature, and then sailed aboard th' Congress vessel fer a grand total o' 15 terms! Blimey, that's quite a treasure chest o' achievements!
January 3, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! Tis a treacherous voyage, sailin' from the jolly holidays to mundane tasks. Fear not, ye scurvy dogs! I shall teach ye the ways to conquer yer post-holiday woes and embrace the unknown with a smile on yer face!
January 3, 2024, 5:43 am
Arr, me hearties! Them California lawmakers be back to toil for a legislative session in this election year. But, blow me down! They be faced with troubles o' artificial intelligence and a mighty budget deficit. Avast ye, me mateys, 'tis a jolly challenge ahead!
January 3, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! In a tale that's catchin' the gaze from all 'round the globe, a grand jury in Ohio be mullin' over the decision to indict a fair lass of color, who, in her own quarters, lost a wee babe and cast it away, for not bein' fit for this world.
January 3, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr, the border crossing in a far-flung Arizona community be a treasured gateway fer thousands o' toiling souls, kinfolk, an' venturesome merchants o' the land, who be dependin' on it each day.
January 3, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr! The cap'n be reckonin' to blabber on 'bout the Jan. 6 riot at Valley Forge. But 'tis not all, me hearties! He'll also be yappin' at a church in South Carolina where a scurvy bilge rat took the lives of nine souls. Yo ho ho, what a jolly day!
January 3, 2024, 4:02 am
Arr, the speaker and a merry crew of House Republicans be payin' a visit, as the G.O.P. be aimin' to pile on the pressure for President Biden and them Democrats to be agreein' to some harsh sea laws for the border, ye scallywags!
January 2, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, Kimberlee Singler be plundered on the day o' Saturday, just a few days since them landlubbers in Colorado issued a warrant for her capture.
January 2, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers be returnin' to their chambers, and there be no shortage of knockin' heads on the horizon. The hotly debated matters o' the land shall rule the roost as the state legislatures set sail on their work in the days ahead.
January 1, 2024, 10:06 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Shenna Bellows, a fine politician, hath been deceived by a prank call, crafted to rouse the armed constabulary! Aye, 'tis a treacherous game these scallywags play!
January 1, 2024, 4:16 pm
Avast ye! Since the demise of George Floyd, a grand movement arose, swearin' to bring justice reform across the land. Alas, the trials of the lawmen have been naught but a jumble of condemnations, acquittals, and even a mistrial. Aye, a mixed bag indeed!
December 31, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arrr, Taylor Swift be joinin' Travis Kelce's final Kansas City Chiefs match o' the year, to welcome the new year aft celebratin' Christmastide at the gallant stadium.
December 31, 2023, 5:20 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! A bonny lass be sharin' that she be not wishin' to unveil a special Christmas booty from her scurvy dog o' a husband 'fore the rest o' the kin — so they concocted a "fake" holiday treasure. Gather 'round, me hearties, and listen to the tale! Arrr!
December 31, 2023, 5:18 pm
Arrr! Avast ye! The scurvy dogs from the Maui Police Department be investigatin' a bloody shark attack, matey! A surfer met his untimely demise on Saturday whilst ridin' the waves off the northern shore o' Maui.
December 31, 2023, 5:04 pm
In his year-end decree, Captain Justice John G. Roberts Jr. set his sights on the mysterious contraptions of the modern age, yet avoided delving into the treacherous waters of Supreme Court morals and Donald J. Trump's wicked misdeeds. Yo ho ho!
December 31, 2023, 4:01 pm
Arr, Matey Sununu, the scurvy dog governor of the land, be fretting that that scallywag Christie might betray his matey, Nikki Haley. Avast!
December 31, 2023, 11:34 am
Avast ye mateys! The scurvy dog who mends contraptions did hand o'er a laptop, owned by the scurvy president's spawn, to the officials. Yet the sneaky knave claims his humble abode was swooped upon by landlubbers! Arrr, what a tale!
December 31, 2023, 11:22 am
Arrr, the cap'n Biden be spoutin' his 2024 New Year's vow, claimin' he be returnin' next year! Whilst enjoyin' a jolly holiday in St. Croix, the scallywag be gearin' up fer another election year, aye!
December 31, 2023, 10:05 am
Avast ye! Whilst some locales be expectin' smoother seas come Saturday, me hearties, elsewhere the tempestuous tides be ragin' fierce 'til Monday, arrr!
December 31, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Mexico shall finish the grand project as part of NASA's Artemis initiative, which be helpin' develop space programs in lands like Brazil and South Korea, savvy?
December 31, 2023, 5:00 am
In the year o' our Lord 2023, ye hear me tell ye, mateys, that Joe Rogan, the famed podcaster, didst boldly declare his wrath upon both the left and the right! With a tongue as sharp as a cutlass, he didst courageously discuss the mighty issues of politics and culture, makin' waves across the seven seas!
December 31, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Tam Fry, the scurvy dog chair o' the National Obesity Forum, be pushin' fer measurin' wee ones' waist each year once they start school. And he be supportin' Japan's "Metabo Law" as a fine example fer us Britons. Yo ho ho!
December 31, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast! Chris George, a brave sailor, hath voyaged to Israel and Gaza, where he found himself in a scurvy hostage situation. Now, his loyal crew be beggin' him to share his thoughts on this new war, yet his heart be divided, like a torn sail in a mighty storm.
December 31, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, the cap'n be takin' a jolly workin' sojourn, says a White House matey. The scallywags be hopin' to draw eye to the Virgin Islands' plights in matters o' gold.
December 31, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! The four scurvy teams in the College Football Playoff did cleverly employ the doubloons from fan "collectives" to forge their mighty rosters. Aye, 'tis a clear testament to how this bounty of gold has altered the nature of college sports, arr!
December 31, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye! After 13 long years in the brig in Massachusetts, Marco Flores be battling the wretched fate o' bein' sent back to El Salvador, a land he abandoned at the tender age o' 6. Blimey, what a tale!
December 30, 2023, 5:54 pm
Avast ye, ye scallywags! David Axelrod, a matey who once advised Former President Obama, be warnin' that if they be takin' Former President Trump off the ballot, it be tearin' this land asunder! Arrr, a mighty storm be brewin' indeed!
December 30, 2023, 5:46 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Kathy Griffin be partin' ways with her mate, Randy Bick, whom she wedded on a fine day of New Year's, in the year 2020, in the grand city of Los Angeles. The winds of separation blow, mateys!
December 30, 2023, 4:14 pm
Arrr! Ye ship, sailin' near the Alaskan shores, be haulin' 'bout 2,000 tons o' lithium-ion batteries, bein' filled with combustible stuff, as told by them seafarin' folk!
December 30, 2023, 11:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Mayor of New York, Eric Adams, be shoutin' from the rooftops that his fine city be nearin' its limit with this here migrant chaos. And to add salt to the wound, he be predictin' yet another swarm of migrants sailin' in from Texas! Arrr, the sea be roilin' with troubles, me hearties!
December 30, 2023, 11:40 am
In th' year 2024, Cap'n Nikki Haley, a fine Republican swashbuckler aimin' fer th' presidency, be answerin' them scurvy dogs from all sides fer her remark 'bout th' root o' th' Civil War. Yarrr!
December 30, 2023, 11:34 am
Avast ye hearties! 'Tis the tale of Jeremy Renner, that swashbucklin' scoundrel of "Hawkeye" fame. The lad be reckonin' to return to his craft, as Emma Laird, his fair matey from "Mayor of Kingstown," shared a portrait of the pair, settin' tongues waggin' across the seven seas! Arr!
December 30, 2023, 11:16 am
Arrr! 'Twas this year when Maine's Secretary of State, Shenna Bellows, paid a visit to the grand White House. Aye, she be havin' a word with President Biden! What's more, she be callin' the Electoral College a "relic of white supremacy." Blimey, a pirate's life be full o' surprises!
December 30, 2023, 9:16 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Behold! A tally of landlubbers who've plunged from the mighty Pentagon and other government haunts, straight into the arms of venture capitalists who be backing defense technology upstarts. Arrr, a curious bunch indeed!
December 30, 2023, 8:40 am
Arrr! Them scallywag fishermen be witnessin' a landlubber after his pickup did crash, landin' beneath a bridge in Indiana! Aye, hidden from them drivers above, as the authorities claimed.
December 30, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr! The scurvy landlubbers, them tourists, be tarnishin' grand ol' monuments, harassin' the locals, and even spillin' blood abroad! This be the year 2023, as these American rascals be sailin' o'er the briny deep, tarnishin' every corner o' the world!
December 30, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, me hearties! This here "Artificial Intelligence" be a mighty beast, settin' the minds of landlubbers ablaze! It be fillin' the sails o' the military folks with both joy and fear, fer its power be a force to reckon wit' on the treacherous battlefield!
December 30, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, me hearties be whisperin' 'bout how the squabbles on th' cap'n's votin' papers be makin' him a martyr, scarin' honest souls 'bout th' trustworthiness o' American elections, they say. Blimey, what a tangled web we weave!
December 30, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, them scurvy Republicans be pushin' to give Kristina Karamo the ol' heave-ho! She be denyin' elections, yet somehow takin' the helm o' the state party. Aye, they be claimin' financial woes and quarrels be the cause!
December 30, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, be them Chinatowns in the United States and Canada still facin' the wrath of development projects? Be ye tellin' me that a proposed arena in Philadelphia's strugglin' downtown might be the next to plunder their lands?
December 29, 2023, 5:45 pm
"Avast ye! Shiver me timbers, mateys! 'Twas a tough yet reckonin' decision, says Shenna Bellows, to deny that scurvy dog, Donald J. Trump, a spot on the primary ballot. Arrr, aye, but a necessary one, indeed!"
December 29, 2023, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, some scallywags be mighty distressed when the state scuttled former Cap'n Donald J. Trump. But, ahoy! There be landlubbers who cheered it! "I fancy how Maine showed some mettle," cried one brave soul.
December 29, 2023, 5:29 pm
The scurvy authors and landlubbing activists be screechin' that the law of them Republicans be trampin' on the sacred free speech. But the judge, a wise buccaneer, be sayin' that this ban be layin' a dreary "pall of orthodoxy" on our learnin' dens. Arrr!
December 29, 2023, 5:14 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks Nikki Haley be walkin' the plank aft bein' caught in a tempestuous squall o' words 'bout the Civil War. But fear not, says the landlubbin' voters, for this mishap shan't be tamperin' with their electoral compass! Yo ho ho!
December 29, 2023, 5:08 pm
Avast ye scoundrels! After a plague of scurvy swatting hoaxes aimed at the noble politicians, Ohio and Virginia be raisin' the stakes for them deceitful calls. Let the scallywags be beware, for the law be coming for 'em, arrr!
December 29, 2023, 4:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' 'bout a Sol de Janeiro lotion what be makin' Wolf spiders be drawin' near. But methinks it be more likely that the season be causin' more encounters betwixt humans and spiders, savvy?
December 29, 2023, 11:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be comin' that the sneaky Chinese spy ship, sailin' 'cross the skies o'er the U.S. this very year, be usin' an American internet provider to send messages back to China. Aye, the scurvy dogs be clever, but we be keepin' a weather eye on 'em!
December 29, 2023, 11:34 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Behold, a fearsome moving picture be showin' the splendid chaos as a treacherous rogue wave doth pummel a mighty wall in Ventura, California! They be scramblin' like landlubbers for safety, and eight souls be sufferin' injuries! Aye, nature be a fierce mistress indeed!
December 29, 2023, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! Gary Oldman, a fearsome matey, be seen sailin' the "Harry Potter" seas as the scurvy dog Sirius Black. But alas, reckonin' be his curse, for he now admits he could've swashbuckled his way to better acting booty!
December 29, 2023, 11:04 am
Avast! A vast multitude of landlubbers in the coastal havens of California and Oregon be warned! The sea be churning with mighty swells, a treacherous surf be upon ye! Rain and fierce winds be a comin' as well, as foretold by the mystic forecasters.
December 29, 2023, 11:00 am
Arrr! The treacherous deeds in Oakland, California be makin' businesses shutter their doors, thus decreasin' the city's tax booty and bringin' forth even more troubles, as confessed by a hearty safe harbor advocate.
December 29, 2023, 10:14 am
Arr, ye scallywags! The good Governor Mike DeWine hath vetoed th' bill, preventin' lads and lasses o' th' transgender persuasion from joinin' sports teams matchin' their gender identity. Aye, 'tis a peculiar sight indeed, fer a Republican governor to make such a choice.
December 29, 2023, 10:10 am
Arr, ye scurvy document be settin' out the rules fer U.S. scuffles, yet 'tis silent on the matters o' skirmishes the United States be assistin' with naught but a dash o' military aid. Belay that, mateys!
December 29, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast ye! The fair maiden Tommy Dorfman, a thespian of the transgender persuasion, hath shared a viral moving picture wherein she doth claim th' scurvy dogs of Delta Air Lines be misnamin' her on purpose, whilst docked at the airport. Arrr!
December 29, 2023, 4:04 am
Avast! 'Tis said that Maine be deem'in Donald Trump a scurvy dog, not fit for office due to his post-election shenanigans. Yet, California be havin' the gall to keep his name on their ballot. Blimey!
December 29, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, me hearties! Avast ye! The land be sailin' towards a grand record o' less bloodshed, and aye, lesser crimes be takin' a plunge too, as confirmed by the F.B.I., savvy?
December 29, 2023, 1:17 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs, there be lawsuits aplenty across the seas, in many a state, aimin' to strip Donald J. Trump from settin' foot on th' primary ballot! Aye, a storm be brewin', mateys!
December 29, 2023, 12:49 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a sight to behold, me hearties! Along the coast, on the day o' Thor's day, we witnessed monstrous waves, as high as 30 feet, sweepin' over the beaches, floodin' the very homes of the landlubbers. Arr, what a spectacle!
December 28, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arrr, the judge be sayin' that the Georgia legislature hath done as told, givin' those fine Black voters a fair chance to elect their chosen representatives. Avast ye, justice be served!
December 28, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arrr, Nikki Haley be steerin' clear of mentionin' the sordid tale o' slavery as a root o' the clash, but she be changin' her tune on Thursday. Methinks this be puttin' a scratch on her chances o' winnin' over the independents and moderate Democrats, savvy?
December 28, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arrr, the cap'n o' the University o' Wisconsin System be mighty vexed by the scurvy chancellor's antics! Yet, the chancellor doth claim he be merely exercisin' his right to free speech. Methinks, aye, a most lively dispute 'tis!
December 28, 2023, 5:31 pm
Avast ye, mateys! In a missive scribbled to the governor and attorney general of Texas, a swashbucklin' official from the D.O.J. declared that the esteemed federal government be holdin' the ultimate power o'er immigration enforcement. Arrr, them landlubbers be arguin' in a tempestuous sea!
December 28, 2023, 5:31 pm
Avast ye! Me hearties found a sneaky scallywag, in dire straits, hiding in the belly of an Air Algeria vessel. This landlubber be seekin' passage to Paris, but ended up in Davy Jones' locker!
December 28, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arr! Dolly Parton be thankin' a scurvy dog of a fan, plagued with the pox of cancer, for his loyal support whilst fulfillin' his list o' hopes 'n dreams. Aye, the country music treasure did grace 'im with a call, makin' his timbers shiver with joy!
December 28, 2023, 5:10 pm
Arrr, mateys! Glen Powell, he be hailin' Sydney Sweeney for her cunning idea to harness the winds of romance gossip betwixt 'em to advertise their film, "Anyone But You." Aye, a clever plan indeed!
December 28, 2023, 5:05 pm
Arr, them wise folk reckon that the unearthing of a 7,500-year-old tribe, nestled 'long the eastern shores o' China, might just be the startin' point o' one o' the grandest seafarin' voyages in all o' human tale!
December 28, 2023, 11:31 am
Arr, the scurvy dogs of the University of Idaho be plannin' to demolish a landlubber's house where four poor souls were sent to Davy Jones' locker last year. Avast ye, be it a ghostly abode or a cursed treasure? Only time will tell, me hearties!
December 28, 2023, 11:30 am
Arr, me hearties! James Carville, that swashbucklin' political strategist, did make his mark when he be replyin' to Sen. John Fetterman's jibes! Fetterman be sayin' Carville was naught but a landlubber, not helpful to Biden's reelection campaign. But Carville, a true sea dog, be showin' 'im who the true captain of strategy be!
December 28, 2023, 11:29 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Me heart, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, be settin' sail on a ship to make those pesky "swatters" walk the plank! 'Twas but a week ago when me and me two fellow Republicans were singled out. Prepare to face the wrath o' the Greene!
December 28, 2023, 11:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Fox News Rutter be bringin' ye tales o' kinship, voyages, grub, mateys lendin' a hook, treasure ye pets, land ships, brave swashbucklers, devotion, and what it means to be true-blooded Americans. Drink up, ye scallywags!
December 28, 2023, 11:22 am
Avast ye scallywags! A scion of the family who built the great Kohl's emporiums, he be not only protectin' the federal coffers as a U.S. senator, but also spendin' grandly to breathe new life into his very own N.B.A. crew. A pirate with a taste fer the finer things, indeed!
December 28, 2023, 10:03 am
Arr, in the year 2016, she be found guilty o' aidin' in the demise o' her dear mother, a murder so bold it becometh the muse fer an HBO tale and a Hulu adventure.
December 28, 2023, 5:54 am
Arrr! In Connecticut's fair lands, a scallywag met his fate at the hands of the law. Armed with a pistol, he dared to set his sights on a loyal police hound. Alas! 'Twas a foolish attempt to avoid capture by the state troopers, who sought him for a prior year's misdeed.
December 28, 2023, 5:53 am
Avast ye scallywags! There be a mighty crash on a Texas highway that sent six souls to Davey Jones' locker, when a pickup ship rammed a wee minivan like a cannonball! Three more be hangin' on to dear life, prayin' for mercy from the Kraken.
December 28, 2023, 5:28 am
Avast ye! Me hearties, listen up! That thar fruitcake be a sturdy shipmate, fer it can withstand the test o' time. Be it the mystical blend o' ingredients or the craft with which it be baked, rest assured this ol' matey be here to stay. Set sail fer a tasty adventure, ye scallywags!
December 28, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast ye, mateys! When ye lend yer likeness to a grand ad venture that spans the land, trouble be lurkin' on the horizon. Sail forth and inquire Milana Vayntrub for a tale of misfortune, she be knowin' all too well.
December 28, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, mateys! These secret reckonings be no good at catchin' the wee lads and lasses toilin' away for American scallywags peddlin' Oreos, Gerber treats, McDonald's milk, and other such plunder.
December 28, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye! The scurvy state turned a blind eye, or be it utterly ignorant, to the rumblings of jailhouse ravaging, savage thrashings, and the treacherous deeds of sheriffs and their deputies. Nay, even when the proof be as abundant as a treasure chest, they cared not a whit!
December 28, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, me hearties! From thar mighty Transamerica Pyramid, all polished and shiny, to a wee public radio station, aye, broadcastin' from a former copy shop, this here street be bringin' hope fer a splendid recovery in the grand ol' city!
December 27, 2023, 5:56 pm
Arrr! The jolly crew be pleadin' to the honorable justices to scrutinize a verdict from the Colorado Supreme Court, claimin' the ex-captain be an insurrectionist scoundrel, thus unworthy of holdin' high office.
December 27, 2023, 5:54 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Behold, the freshest tidings from the treacherous 2024 campaign seas, exclusive parleys and other swashbucklin' Fox News politics booty!
December 27, 2023, 5:22 pm
Avast ye scallywags! President Javier Milei be settin' sail on a quest to fix Argentina's cursed economy. He be wieldin' the weapons o' austerity, deregulation, 'n job cuts to turn the tides in our favor. Brace yerselves, me hearties, for a wild ride!
December 27, 2023, 5:22 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags at Birmingham-Southern College be seekin' a fancy loan worth millions! But the state treasurer, that landlubber, be sayin' it ain't right to spend the good people's doubloons on such a venture. Avast, the treasure be elusive!
December 27, 2023, 11:44 am
Arrr! The agreement betwixt the scurvy Republicans and Democrats on border security and extra coinage may take a while to take shape, me hearties!
December 27, 2023, 11:40 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Tom Smothers hath met his fate on a dreary Tuesday, whilst tusslin' with the cursed disease known as cancer. The jester, aye, he be but half the jestin' brethren, known as Smothers Brothers along with Richard Smothers.
December 27, 2023, 11:34 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywag prosecutors be denyin' the noble request of New Jersey's matey, the Democrat Sen. Bob Menendez, to delay his trial of federal bribery. Arrr, 'tis set for May, it be!
December 27, 2023, 11:29 am
Avast! 'Tis a tale of mighty courts! First, Colorado's highest court be proclaimin' that the past captain be disqualifyin' for his rebellious ways. Now, the justices in Michigan be ponderin' the same mischief. Arrr, the seas be stormy for these scallywags!
December 27, 2023, 10:41 am
Arr, ye wee ones o' the transgender persuasion in the land o' the state shall have the privilege o' seekin' ye gender transition treatment fer now, until the scurvy dogs who oppose it be defeated in court!
December 27, 2023, 5:49 am
Arr, me hearties! The Alabama Law Enforcement Agency has finished its investigation into a jolly roger of a tale, where a scurvy dog met his maker in his very own front yard.
December 27, 2023, 5:21 am
Avast ye! Gather all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news. Be it the break of dawn, find 'em in yer inbox, matey!
December 27, 2023, 5:20 am
Arr! A landlubber from Indiana, whose vessel did crash 'neath the mighty bridge, hath been rescued from his plight on a fortunate Tuesday. Yonder, two brave fishermen, seekin' spots te cast their nets, stumbled upon his livin' corpse! A miracle, indeed!
December 27, 2023, 4:04 am
Arr, me hearties! Ms. Haley be still a scallywag, laggin' far behind the former captain in them polls. Yet, she be stickin' to her careful ways that brought her here. Smart lass she be, avoidin' any stormy waters, arr!
December 27, 2023, 4:04 am
Arrr! The meetin' betwixt Secretary o' State Antony J. Blinken and Cap'n Andrés Manuel López Obrador be happenin', as the scurvy dog border crossin's be hittin' new records!
December 27, 2023, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! The Trump matey be the only scurvy dog o' them 16 fake Michigan electors, who be havin' the sense to cooperate with the authorities. Arrr, charges against him be dropped! He be a smart buccaneer, indeed!
December 27, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye ambitious Ministry of State Security be wieldin' A.I. and other fancy contraptions to match the United States, while both o' 'em be tryin' to snatch each other's secrets o' trade. Aye, a jolly battle on the high seas o' technology!
December 26, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arr, Electra Schrock be accused o' a grievous crime by t' LA County District Attorney! On Dec. 20, she be claimin' to have given a good wallop to Charlie Sheen at his humble abode in Malibu, me hearties!
December 26, 2023, 5:39 pm
Arr, the wee senator from California, handpicked to fill the boots of the departed Senator Dianne Feinstein, be chattin' 'bout adjustin' to the sluggardly ways of the Senate and her aims afore she sets sail in a year.
December 26, 2023, 5:24 pm
Arr! Avast ye mateys! Aye, ye heard it right, a "Satan Club" be gettin' approval at Olathe Northwest High School in Kansas, even with a petition against it! Blimey, the school district officials be as twisted as a peg leg on a stormy sea!
December 26, 2023, 5:23 pm
Ye scurvy dog be charged fer makin' a foul campaign donation by a foreign scallywag at a Los Angeles gatherin' in 2016. Forced to walk th' plank 'cause o' all th' pressure from them congressional leaders.
December 26, 2023, 5:17 pm
Jogg'n in a scurvy T-shirt in Minnesota this December, says the salt-filled scholar, be akin to a sightin' of Davy Jones' locker. Aye, a taste o' climate change be on the wind, savvy?
December 26, 2023, 4:47 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! That scurvy dog, Jeff Fortenberry, hath been found guilty of lyin' to the fed'ral authorities. But now, an appeals court be sayin' his trial took place in the wrong tavern! Arrr, what a hornswoggle!
December 26, 2023, 11:55 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Thar be news afoot! Recent findings be claimin' that them lonely souls who be adoptin' a furry mate be keepin' their tongues sharp like a cutlass! So grab a parrot or a mutt, me hearties, and let yer pirate lingo flow!
December 26, 2023, 11:31 am
Avast ye scallywags! Four wee scurvy children, from a mere nine moons to a tender 10 years, and their fair mother have met a gruesome fate in their abode, situated to the east of Paris. The local prosecutor be dubbin' this murderous act as a particularly brutal affair.
December 26, 2023, 11:30 am
Avast ye scallywags! Kamar de los Reyes, famed fer his role on the ol' soap opera "One Life to Live," hath met his demise after a wee scuffle with the cursed cancer. Aye, he be but 56 years young.
December 26, 2023, 11:18 am
Arrr, ye scurvy scallywags! A ravenous sea monster, a fearsome alligator, be spied in a southeastern haven fer beasts. It chomped down on a colossal Burmese python, a venomous serpent that be as long as Davy Jones' locker!
December 26, 2023, 11:14 am
Arr, a bunch o' parents, still staggerin' from a ghastly barrage at thar wee ones' private Christian academy, reckon they be the finest crew t' convince them G.O.P. scallywags t' embrace a touch o' gun regulation, says I!
December 26, 2023, 5:21 am
Avast ye! Gather all ye tales ye must-know from the mightiest moniker in news, delivered bright and early to yer inbox.
December 26, 2023, 4:04 am
Arrr! Me hearties in Congress, those scurvy politicians, be findin' a common bond over their little mateys with disabilities. Aye, even though they be at each other's throats, these scallywags be sharin' a heartwarming connection. Yo ho ho, what a jolly tale of unity amidst all the squabblin'!
December 26, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, a mere six moons past, ol' Joe Faillace be doubting the survivability of his enterprise. But lo and behold! The gallant Phoenix, with their hasty eviction of them wretched vagabonds, be rescuin' his humble establishment from Davy Jones' locker!
December 26, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Donald J. Trump be plannin' to greatly expand his use of tariffs, aye, if he be reclaimin' his power. Aye, he be takin' a perilous risk, threatenin' to throw our precious economy into a chaotic whirlwind, all in the name o' transformin' it!
December 25, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr! Blimey! Them scurvy dogs at Christianity Today be callin' Jesus an Asian, and it be causin' quite a stir among the faithful on social media! They be claimin' the outlet be ignorin' the fact that our dear Christ was a fine Jewish lad! Shiver me timbers!
December 25, 2023, 5:36 pm
Arr, President Biden and his fair lady, Jill Biden, summoned the gallant crews from every division of the armed forces on this fine Monday, to bestow upon 'em a jolly Christmas and express gratitude for their valiant sacrifices.
December 25, 2023, 5:20 pm
Arr, me hearties! I be tellin' ye, Central South Dakota be expectin' a fierce storm! The blizzard be poundin' 'em with more than a measly foot o' snow in some spots, as them fancy forecasters be claimin'!
December 25, 2023, 5:08 pm
Arrr! Yonder Amazon scallywag, sailin' through Florida waters, found himself in a right pickle when a blow-up monstrosity on a landlubber's yard sprang to life, givin' chase! Aye, 'twas a sight to behold!
December 25, 2023, 11:47 am
Avast ye scallywags! 2023 be a year filled with more scandal and thievery in the hallowed halls o' Congress. We've witnessed many a battle for the Speaker's throne and hearings that be snatchin' headlines like a greedy pirate grabbin' treasure.
December 25, 2023, 11:39 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog of a teacher be askin' these lads and lasses in California's middle school what to bestow upon a landlubber in their thirties for the merry festivities! Lo and behold, the replies be spreadin' like wildfire across the seven seas!
December 25, 2023, 10:37 am
Arr, matey! The wily Denise Gitsham be unveilin' her tome, wherein she teaches Christian brethren the art o' stayin' true to their holy beliefs whilst bickerin' 'bout politics with them disagreeable scallywags. 'Tis a must-read for all ye swashbucklers sailin' this treacherous sea o' debate!
December 25, 2023, 10:05 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Navalny's crew hath discovered 'im in a wretched prison colony in Siberia. His legal matey be runnin' late to meet 'im, but fear not, for he did eventually confirm me old pal be still breathin'!
December 25, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, ye scurvy landlubber Evan Gershkovich, a Wall Street Journal scribe, be gettin' confined in Russia without no end in sight! They be claimin' he's a spy, but who be believin' such tomfoolery? 'Tis a tale that's makin' waves in the media seas of 2023, mateys!
December 25, 2023, 4:02 am
George Gascón be seekin' t' keep 'is position in th' high seas, but alas! The winds o' change be blowin' fierce. The scallywags be more worried 'bout crime than fairness an' justice. Aaarrr, 'tis a treacherous voyage indeed!
December 25, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! Avast ye mateys! A mighty vessel, supportin' the ex-governor o' South Carolina, be plannin' to visit 100,000 doors in Iowa 'fore the caucuses. But alas! Time be slippin' through their grip, tryin' to spread her grand message.
December 25, 2023, 4:00 am
In a jolly talk, ye ol' Dr. Monica M. Bertagnolli, tha fine director of thar National Institutes of Health, yapped 'bout drug patents, trust in science, and even shared her own tales as a pirate of cancer. Arrr!
December 24, 2023, 4:06 pm
Arrr, me mateys! The Harvard Corporation be a mighty crew that rules o'er th' university. Here be what we reckon 'bout th' scallywags who make up this fearsome band o' buccaneers.
December 24, 2023, 1:44 pm
Arr, Harvard’s mighty board be standin' by their captain, keepin' their lips sealed. But whisperin' in the shadows, one o' their own be sayin' somethin' 'bout a need fer "generational change." Aye, there be trouble brewin' on the horizon!
December 24, 2023, 11:53 am
Avast! 'Tis a tale as grand as the mighty ocean! Swift, the fair maiden of melodies, did receive a missive from a fan, proclaiming her the bringer of familial unity. With tears in her eyes, the songstress penned a heartfelt response, forever etching her name in the annals of harmony!
December 24, 2023, 11:00 am
Yarrr, from the heart of PETA, Alec Baldwin did send a missive to the scurvy dogs runnin' Radio City Music Hall's Christmas spectacle, demandin' they cease employin' live critters in their grand performance. Aye, the animals be in need of their rights!
December 24, 2023, 8:37 am
Arr, ye see, the Supreme Court justice hath forged a mighty crew o' former clerks! They parley through missives, feasts, and a grand shared purpose - wieldin' their sway at learnin' halls, legal dens, and the most prestigious echelons o' governance, arrr!
December 24, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Gather 'round whilst I spin ye a tale o' the history o' one o' the Seven Wonders o' the Modern World! 'Tis a grand sight, the Panama Canal, but alas, the waters be runnin' low! Methinks Santa's gifts might be marooned, delayed on their merry voyage. Arrr, what a scurvy situation for Christmas cheer!
December 24, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, me mateys! Millie Hart, who sailed the treacherous seas from Britain to the U.S. o'er two years past, be sharin' the grandest contrasts betwixt Christmas in England and America, and which be her chosen matey!"
December 24, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy parents in lands with vast crew growth have laid bare their pro-family demands and be seekin' states to heed 'em! 'Tis all writ in a fresh scroll, ye hearties!
December 24, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr! The Florida governor be settin' sail into the new year with a chest full o' doubloons and wind at his back. But alas, the months that followed brought naught but internal mayhem and the dreaded indictments from Donald Trump, leavin' his loyal crew feelin' as weak as a landlubber's handshake.
December 24, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, me mateys! Red Rock Island, a mighty outcropping a few leagues from San Francisco, be up for a goodly sum of 25 million doubloons! But a voyage to this place reveals, alas, naught but a barren sight. Avast ye, what a disappointment!
December 24, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, the war in Vietnam be settin' the fires o' protest ablaze, shapin' a generation. Be this skirmish betwixt Israel and Hamas doin' the same dance, me hearties?
December 24, 2023, 2:01 am
Arr! As Cap'n Biden be wranglin' with a mighty troublesome pickle at the southern border, his probable foe fer 2024 be slingin' many a scurrilous accusation—some wit'out foundation, addin' confusion to the brew!
December 23, 2023, 5:22 pm
Arrr, word be goin' 'round that the Biden crew had a sneaky plan to keep the good folks in the dark 'bout a spyin' Chinese balloon driftin' into our American skies. Ahoy, shiver me timbers!
December 23, 2023, 5:00 pm
Arrr, as the ol' ways o' faith be fadin' into the abyss, fair lasses be takin' to mystical pursuits like the stars, the dark arts, the cards, and even the old gods. Aye, piratin' ain't just for the lads no more!
December 23, 2023, 4:17 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A mighty skirmish unfolded 'pon a mall in Florida! Many a soul be injured, as per the Ocala Police Department's scroll upon the vast seas of social media. Sailin' no longer be safe, mateys!
December 23, 2023, 1:52 pm
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis be told that Andrew Royer, by force of fate, did unwillin'ly admit to a bloody deed on Indiana's soil, as decreed by the judges! Yet, even with gaps in the tale, he languished within dungeon walls for over 16 long years, a true travesty, says I!
December 23, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr! The Patrol o' the Borders met a fearsome crew o' 17 scallywags from the terror watch list in November, as recounted in recent reckonin'. 'Twas a grand year fer encounters, it be, in this here Year o' the Flying Fish, FY 23!
December 23, 2023, 11:00 am
Arr! Ye scurvy dogs, hear ye, hear ye! The Fox News Entertainment scroll be bringin' ye the swashbucklin' tales o' Hollywood, with interviews of the finest landlubber celebs, and stories from the mystical land o' Los Angeles and beyond. Avast, tis a treasure trove ye don't want to miss!
December 23, 2023, 11:00 am
Arr, a fine lass from East Palestine, Ohio, be havin' naught but disappointment in the crown's rule, after the Norfolk Southern shipwreck left her beloved town in ruins. Aye, she be losin' faith in the powers that be, ye scallywags!
December 23, 2023, 9:26 am
Arr, the matter be viewed as a fine depiction of the city's scurvy-ridden crime and lack of landlubber lodgings. Yet, more proof be put forth to challenge such a tale!
December 23, 2023, 9:04 am
Arrr, Peter Cichuniec and Jeremy Cooper be found guilty o' criminally negligent homicide, yet the jury be quarrelin' o'er the assault charges! 'Tis a most peculiar trial o' these sea-farin' medical folk, if ye ask me!
December 23, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, in the year 2023, we be mournin' the loss o' them Christian captains who've shaped the very course o' our religious seas. Tim Keller and Charles Stanley, they be sailin' in the eternal waters now, lettin' their wisdom be heard from them heavenly shores.
December 23, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fine folk who be graduatin' from Harvard be raisin' a fuss about the big shots in charge findin' more o' that "duplicative language" in the writin' o' Harvard President Claudine Gay. Methinks they be havin' a laugh at her expense, mateys!
December 23, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, these Mississippians be claimin' they've been shocked with Tasers, beaten with batons, pistol-whipped, and even waterboarded by those scurvy Rankin County deputies! Blimey, if it be true, 'tis been goin' on fer decades, mateys!
December 23, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast, me hearties! A scribe from the Washington Post be claimin' that our existence be dependin' on wee scallywags, sayin' a mighty clash o' opinions be brewin' on whether landlubbers should be bringin' forth offspring. Yo ho ho, what a tale!
December 23, 2023, 4:04 am
Arr, this here week's squabble o'er his eligibility for office be a stark reminder that any salty dog facin' such a vast array o' legal troubles would've scuttled off the political stage long ago!
December 23, 2023, 4:04 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! In the moon of past, that Iranian-rat scallywag group hath unleashed o'er 100 onslaughts on merchant ships in the Red Sea. Arr, they be quite the rowdy bunch!
December 23, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr! Th' previous cap'n o' th' land be claimin' he be impervious to prosecution. Now, a court o' appeals be takin' up his case, and by Davy Jones' locker, it may end up back afore th' justices in a matter o' weeks!
December 22, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr! Them scallywags be seizin' yet another ship off Somalia's coast! Aye, 'tis the second time in recent weeks! Methinks piracy be makin' a comeback in them African Horn waters. Shiver me timbers!
December 22, 2023, 5:39 pm
Arrr, the ruling be fallin' upon us, a mere few moons since them liberals hoisted a 4-to-3 majority on the State Supreme Court. 'Tis a chance to undo those cunning gerrymanders that be grantin' them scurvy Republicans an unfair grip on the State Legislature, by Davy Jones' locker!
December 22, 2023, 5:27 pm
Arrr, me hearties! News be reachin' me ears that them Icelandic folk be givin' the nod for them folks from Grindavik to sail back to their humble abodes on the morrow. Aye, no more swashbucklin' with that fiery volcano, mateys!
December 22, 2023, 5:27 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Set yer eyes on Tubi, where ye can stream o'er 100 jolly flicks for the whole clan. Watch "Scooby-Doo," "Tom & Jerry," "Stuart Little," "The Flintstones," "Smallfoot," "Cats," and plenty more swashbucklin' classics. A treasure trove for yer entertainment, all for free!
December 22, 2023, 4:17 pm
Arrr, mateys! The matter be headed to a fancy federal appeals court afore ye can say "shiver me timbers!" They be rushin' to settle it on Jan. 9. Avast, the winds be blowin' in our favor!
December 22, 2023, 11:56 am
Avast ye! Word be spreadin' that Cap'n Barack Obama himself be whisperin' in the ears o' the bigwigs at Harvard, defendin' Mistress Claudine Gay from the scallywags who be doubting her words on antisemtism. Arrrr, what a tale it be!
December 22, 2023, 11:53 am
Arr, me hearties! The noble Senator Richard Blumenthal, hailing from Connecticut, be plannin' to push forth a law demandin' greater revealin' of information when the presidents be exercisin' their clemency power. Avast, transparency be the name o' the game!
December 22, 2023, 11:40 am
Avast me hearties! Liberal matey Dan Kalb be walkin' the plank at University of California Berkeley! His words about environmental policy be drowned out by student squabbles 'cause he be pro-Israel! Arrr, the tides be turnin' indeed!
December 22, 2023, 11:39 am
Avast ye! If the Colorado Supreme Court be reckonin' that the ol' captain o' the ship be not fit to set sail for the title o' president, blimey! Our cherished values be caught in a mighty storm, arrr!
December 22, 2023, 11:37 am
Arrr, me mateys! Aye, the scurvy parking spots fer mighty trucks be scarce 'cross the land, and that be causin' danger fer us long-haul truckers and all ye landlubbers sailin' the roads. Avast, we be needin' more anchorin' spots!
December 22, 2023, 11:34 am
Avast ye, mateys! Set yer sights on the latest scribbles from Fox News Opinion, and feast yer eyes on the moving pictures featuring Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Jesse Watters, and a whole crew of scallywags! A treasure trove of entertainment awaits!
December 22, 2023, 11:31 am
Arr, the ex-president be still stickin' to his guns like a stubborn barnacle, defendin' his words 'bout them undocumented scallywags. But beware, mateys, fer his talk be resemblin' the wicked tongue of that Nazi scoundrel! Avast!
December 22, 2023, 11:30 am
Arr, good ol' Sen. Tim Scott, a fine mate from South Carolina, be penning a missive to Chicago's Democratic mayor, blastin' his dastardly scheme to shutter charter schools, after swearin' on the campaign trail to leave 'em ajar! Aye, a promise be as valuable as a shiny doubloon, me hearties!
December 22, 2023, 5:39 am
Avast ye, me hearties! The jolly season be bringin' joy, but alas, 'tis no stranger to worry. Fear not, me lads! By readyin' yerselves, ye can steer clear o' silly mistakes.
December 22, 2023, 5:36 am
Avast, me mateys! John Schneider, a fine scallywag from the "Dukes of Hazzard," be spoutin' why he ain't afeared of this artificial intelligence. The scurvy dog compares it to that fake non-dairy creamer, callin' it a "phony." Arr, ye be a joker, Mr. Schneider!
December 22, 2023, 5:22 am
Avast ye scallywags! Uncover th' mischiefs ye can cast off in 2024 fer a merrier horizon. Be it beatin' the dread o' puttin' things off or embracin' gratefulness, be a'sailin' towards self-improvement, arrr!
December 22, 2023, 5:15 am
Avast ye, me hearties! If ye be feelin' out o' sync durin' the holiday season, fear not! Set yer compass t' self-care, unleash thy creativity, embark on a journey o' learnin', forge new connections, 'n seeketh the true meanin' o' it all. Yo ho ho!
December 22, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, me hearties! Many a missive, brandished by the scallywag Republicans, claimin' evidence of corruption by Cap'n Biden and his kin, be naught but twisted tales devoid of proper context. Aye, beware the treacherous tricks o' the political sea!
December 22, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye mateys! In this here 2019 message, the president's scallywag son be sayin' he'd be givin' his dear ol' dad half his treasure. Now, the tale does reveal some unsavoury tidbits 'bout the Biden crew, but it don't prove they be corrupt, me hearties!
December 22, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye mateys! The Florida governor's field operation, bein' one o' the costliest in this modern political history, be facin' troubles from the start, as interviews with a bunch o' voters and political scoundrels have discovered. Arrr!
December 22, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, mateys! Be ye knowin' that them American cities be lockin' away their emergency radio words with secret codes, all fer the sake o' keepin' safe and private. The landlubbers be wantin' none o' our pirate eavesdroppers, arr!
December 21, 2023, 5:55 pm
Tyler Anderson of New Hampshire be cursed! He be caught and charged with threatenin' the lives of Chris Christie and another nameless presidential scallywag. Be they truly a scurvy pirate in disguise? Only time shall tell, me hearties!
December 21, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog! Alex Verdugo be a Yankee now, after sailin' with them Red Sox for four seasons. The lad be confessin' he be mighty "mad" about the trade. Blimey!
December 21, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arrr, mateys! Set yer sights on the Fox News Lifestyle Newsletter, where ye'll find tales o' kin, adventurin', grub, shipmates lendin' a hand, loyal critters, sturdy vessels, bold buccaneers, devotion, and the true spirit o' America. Aye, ye won't be wantin' fer entertainment, me hearties!
December 21, 2023, 5:40 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Me hearty Texas school board president be demandin' that the district use the word "Christmas" to reckon festivities and holidays durin' this time o' year. 'Tis a jolly good idea, says I! Let's hoist the anchor and set sail for a merrier Christmas, me hearties! Arrr!
December 21, 2023, 4:54 pm
Ever since settin' sail in July, Dr. Gay be receivin' a fair share o' critiquin' fer both the brawls in the Middle East and her scholarly pursuits. Methinks she be walkin' a plank of troubles, arr!
December 21, 2023, 4:41 pm
Avast ye scurvy dog! 'Twas in a mystical video parley wit' his Chinese matey that Gen. Charles Q. Brown, a fine buccaneer, did emphasize the significance of communicatin' to lessen the quarrels on the seven seas. Arrr, a wise move indeed, me hearties!
December 21, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr, in Colorado, the landlubber sheriff needed some persuadin' to let a Christmas tree be seen in his newfangled reception area. But by the end, he be havin' a bloomin' giant on his hands! Aye, the spirit o' Christmas be takin' hold!
December 21, 2023, 11:53 am
Avast, me hearties! 'Tis said that Ron DeSantis be seein' the troubles o' the former captain o' the ship, makin' it a rough sail for his competitors in the Republican race. Arrr, aye, the sea be a treacherous place indeed!
December 21, 2023, 11:52 am
Avast, me hearties! Arrr, after many moons of hagglin' and jawin', a mighty fine accord be struck fer 18,000 landlubber teachers in Nevada's Clark County! The officials be singin' the sweetest shanty o' victory, they be!
December 21, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis bein' said that a grand downpour be afoot in Southern California on Thursday, makin' the land mighty wet! Flooding be so fierce that them fancy officials be issuin' a good ol' evacuation order in a wee part o' Ventura County overnight.
December 21, 2023, 11:49 am
Arr, mateys! U.S. swashbuckler Paul Whelan be complainin' to the BBC, sayin' he feels "marooned" by his own land. He be thinkin' them fancy presidents be doin' nothin', aye, a "scandalous treachery"!
December 21, 2023, 11:16 am
Yonder scholars be claimin' that a landlubber's brain could be harmed by the mighty roars of M1 Abrams cannons 'n other weapons, even if said cannons be deemed safe by those fancy-pants Pentagon folk! Arrr, what a world we be livin' in!
December 21, 2023, 5:47 am
Avast, mateys! The Mexican cap'n be thinkin' 'bout takin' the law to court, arguin' 'gainst Texas' immigration rules! Aye, 'tis a cross-border battle brewin'! Let the legal cannons roar, me hearties!
December 21, 2023, 5:40 am
Arrr, ye be hearin' that a fancy-pants judge be ponderin' whether Alabama can give some scallywag a taste o' the ol' nitrogen gas for their execution. Aye, there be a lawsuit tryin' to stop this jolly method.
December 21, 2023, 5:35 am
Arr! Republican Kim Taylor hath triumphed in the grand battle fer the Virginia House o' Delegates against Democrat Kimberly Pope Adams, aye, in a fierce recount. 'Twas a close call, but Taylor be the scurvy dog who prevailed!
December 21, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, as Donald Trump be facin' a fresh threat to his political voyage, this time o'er the matter of ballot worthiness, them Democrats be castin' their gaze upon American institutions once more, hopin' to put a stop to his shenanigans.
December 21, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, that Pennsylvania scallywag, who be makin' liberal Democrats fume with his steadfast support for Israel and views on immigration, be lashin' out at the port side, claimin' he no longer be a progressive. Mayhaps he be searchin' fer new waters!
December 21, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye! Donald Trump, aye, a staunch backer o' the constabulary, be now settin' sail fer defendin' 'em further. Yet, in a twist o' fate, he be cursin' the very lawmen who dare to lay felony charges upon his scurvy self. Arrr, what a tale o' contradictions!
December 21, 2023, 1:22 am
Avast, me hearties! Claudine Gay be takin' a fair bit o' flak fer her lacklustre response to scurvy antisemitism on the campus, and even fer her scholarly pursuits. Methinks she be walkin' the plank soon, arrr!
December 20, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr, the decree that Donald Trump be not allowed on the ballot in Colorado be the latest conundrum facin' the mighty justices. Methinks this bodes ill for the future o' 2024. Aye, ponderous times ahead, mateys!
December 20, 2023, 5:41 pm
Arr, the ghastly fate of a lass be revealed! 'Tis the bones of a fair maiden, young Lori Anne Razpotnik, pillaged by the vile "Green River Killer" Gary Ridgway. She vanished in '82, yet now her tale be told once more, forsooth!
December 20, 2023, 5:30 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A mighty vessel, they call it a plane, hath sailed upon the icy seas of Upper Red Lake on a Tuesday morn in the fine land of Minnesota. Lo and behold, the pilot and his companions were saved by noble fisherfolk who ply their trade in those parts.
December 20, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arr, the scurvy leaders from both ships be proclaimin' steady progress in the matter of linkin' Ukraine's military aid to stricter border policies. They be hopin' to strike a deal in the comin' month, me hearties!
December 20, 2023, 5:21 pm
Arr, me hearties! Ye scallywags from the New York City Council be passin' a decree to put an end to solitary confinement in the city's jails. They be claimin' that this here practice be makin' the poor prisoners go mad, drivin' 'em to the brink of Davy Jones' locker!
December 20, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' 'mongst the scallywags that Cap'n Biden, may he sail smooth seas, be vexed 'till his bones, fer he yearns to flaunt his infrastructure law booty. Yarr, patience be a virtue, mateys!
December 20, 2023, 11:49 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Germany's prosecutor be makin' a move to lay claim on a hefty booty o' $789 million o' frozen Russian doubloons stashed in a bank account. Suspicions arise 'bout the scallywags breakin' regulations, arr!
December 20, 2023, 11:48 am
Arrr! The Supreme Court o' Britain be decreein' that a clever Artificial Intelligence shan't be hailed as the inventor o' a patent, arguin' that only a human scallywag can hold that honor!
December 20, 2023, 11:47 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Avast ye! A wise scroll from the CDC be tellin' us that a mighty 3% o' wee lads 'n lasses in kindergartens be havin' vaccination waivers! Blimey! Be it 'cause o' some blatherin' misinformation 'n changin' laws, they be riskin' the scurvy!
December 20, 2023, 8:59 am
Arr, me hearties! Prepare ye selves, for a mighty coastal tempest be brewin' over yonder Southern California. 'Tis set to drench the land with a torrent of rain, spreadin' its watery wrath till Friday be done. Argh, best find shelter, lest ye fancy a soggy pirate booty!
December 20, 2023, 8:24 am
Arrr, matey! Avast ye! Through the sorcery o' DNA testin', them scurvy Washington officials hath identified a poor soul slain by the likes o' Gary Ridgway, a scurvy dog who took the lives o' 49 lasses and wenches back in 2003.
December 20, 2023, 5:22 am
Arr! Behold, a sight to amuse yer weary eyes! A video o' a Vermont State Trooper nabbin' a scallywag fer disorderly conduct, after a fierce quarrel left the scurvy dog givin' him a rude gesture whilst bein' pulled o'er in St. Albans.
December 20, 2023, 5:18 am
Avast ye! Gather all ye tales ye must-know from the mightiest moniker in news, delivered posthaste each dawn to yer electronic mail galleon.
December 20, 2023, 4:42 am
Avast ye! Them prosecutors be claimin' a scallywag from Detroit's crew be givin' a deadly punch to an old salt of 71 winters. The bilge-sucking officer has been sent to Davy Jones' locker, walkin' the plank, he be fired!
December 20, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, th' ol' captain o' the land hath mastered th' art o' playin' th' pitiful victim, snatchin' gold from every indictment 'n convincin' his mateys in th' Republican ranks t' stand by him, jist like his rivals did aft' th' Colorado decree.
December 20, 2023, 3:04 am
Arr, ye scurvy knaves hath started breakin' down the statue on Monday, but aye, a decree halted their progress! But fear not, me hearties, for the work shall commence once more!
December 20, 2023, 2:59 am
Arr, the grand design, picked from a vast hoard, be settin' to replace the scallywag flag, dubbed racist by a few swabs.
December 19, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arrr! The scurvy House GOP be wonderin' what other scrolls the White House be hidin' 'bout that rapscallion Hunter Biden! He be left out o' the Marine One reckonin' on Thursday, aye!
December 19, 2023, 5:37 pm
Aye, the first court hath decreed that the 14th Amendment's disqualification clause doth apply to Mr. Trump, and hath confirmed his mischievous involvement in insurrection, me hearties!
December 19, 2023, 5:34 pm
Arrr, mateys! Th' county be sayin' this here grand law, signed by Gov. Greg Abbott, be a scurvy dog violatin' th' Constitution. They be claimin' it'll lead t' thousands o' scallywags gettin' thrown in th' brig in El Paso, aye!
December 19, 2023, 5:28 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Rotimi Oladimeji, a landlubber from Richardson, Texas, be gettin' a three-year sojourn in the dungeon o' the federal prison. This bilge rat swindled a lass from Missouri out o' a grand sum o' $1 million, all through his devious romance scam!
December 19, 2023, 5:27 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy landlubbers be back on Slovakia's streets, raising a ruckus 'gainst the changes to the penal code! Blimey! 'Tis the government of that scallywag, Prime Minister Robert Fico, who be pushin' this here agenda.
December 19, 2023, 5:24 pm
Arrr! The Colorado Supreme Court be sayin' that scurvy dog, former President Trump, be walkin' the plank, and won't be settin' foot on the 2024 ballot, ye scallywags! Aye, 'tis a Tuesday afternoon ruling, says I!
December 19, 2023, 5:12 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Arrr, despite havin' a mighty stash o' 700 votes this year, the scallywags in the House be but a sorry lot, passin' a mere 26 bills into law. Blimey! The reason be a cursed mix o' wee majorities, a divided government, and a right wing lot hell-bent on shacklin' the government. Savvy?
December 19, 2023, 5:10 pm
Arr! The tally be showin' the most peculiar chaos and paralysis that hath befallen the House in the year 2023. Them lawmakers be votin' like there's no tomorrow, yet producin' less laws than a scurvy dog hath fleas in the last ten years!
December 19, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, verily! Them parts o' Vermont that didst suffer the wat'ry deluge this fine summer art now beset yet again! Avast, ye landlubbers! Th' electric companies hath forewarned thee scallywags to gird yerselves, for thou shalt be left in darkness fer days on end!
December 19, 2023, 11:38 am
Avast ye! Nikki Haley be settin' her sights on Ron DeSantis, for he be sailin' with Rep. Thomas Massie, a scallywag she be dubbin' the "most anti-Israel Republican there be!" Arrr, a storm be brewin' on the campaign trail, mateys!
December 19, 2023, 11:36 am
Arrr! Ye scurvy dogs at the LA Times be scribblin' 'bout protectin' yer carrriages from thievin' sea rats! Aye, a poor lass be havin' her vessel pilfered twice. Take heed, me hearties, and guard ye chariots with all ye got!
December 19, 2023, 11:33 am
Arrr, the special counsel's office be sendin' papers to the former captain's legal scallywags, even though the quarrel be on hold. Methinks the defense be mighty displeased, mateys!
December 19, 2023, 11:30 am
Avast ye hearties! The lawsuit against the mighty Patience Roggensack, former Chief Justice of Wisconsin's Supreme Court, be thrown overboard! All the records be surrendered as demanded, settlin' the dispute on the open seas of justice! Arrr!
December 19, 2023, 11:18 am
Arr, President Biden and Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. be among those payin' their respects at the funeral of the noble justice. Aye, a solemn meetin' where they bid her farewell, with hearts heavy as a chest full o' doubloons.
December 19, 2023, 11:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale of the bewitchin' beauties, Holly Marie Combs and Shannen Doherty, ponderin' upon how the fair Alyssa Milano hath supposedly issued a final decree to the show's cap'ns afore they dismissed dear Doherty. Aye, the seas be treacherous indeed!
December 19, 2023, 9:26 am
Arrr! This here app, once plunderin' millions o' Trump supporters, be ready for a grand relaunch as he seeks the presidency once more. But it be no match for Truth Social, so it won't be settin' sail into that bountiful sea!
December 19, 2023, 5:48 am
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! Ruby Franke, a lass of 41 summers, be accused of six counts of child abuse in September. Aye, her channel, with a mighty crew o' near 2.5 million subscribers, be sent to Davy Jones' locker!
December 19, 2023, 5:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden crew be settin' sail to safeguard them mighty trees on federal lands! They be tweakin' their plans for national forests in the U.S, for the scallywags be posin' a greater danger!
December 19, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr, Rep. Crockett of Texas be givin' the governor a mighty wallop durin' an interview on ye olde MSNBC. She be sayin' his policy be naught but a call to "keelhaul" them migrants crossin' the border, matey!
December 19, 2023, 2:11 am
Arrr! Northview Village hath shut its gates with such haste on a dreary Friday, as per the union ye see, that not a word reached kinfolk o' theirs bein' transported elsewhere. Aye, 'twas a mighty unexpected piratical maneuver, catchin' all hands off guard!
December 19, 2023, 2:01 am
Arr, thar be a mighty quarrel amongst the lot, betwixt them who yearn fer this war to cease, and them who crave a grand triumph for the land o' Israel! And by Davy Jones' locker, the rift be growin' fiercest betwixt the elder and younger souls!
December 19, 2023, 2:01 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! These noble R.A.s be aidin' the afflicted, ensurin' health measures be enforced, and dealin' with troubled souls in the dorms. But what be their lubberly demand? More doubloons, me hearties! They be ready to mutiny to earn what they think they be worth!
December 18, 2023, 5:46 pm
Avast, me hearties! Yonder tale be told of Tommy Lee, a scurvy knave who be accused of forcibly gropin' a fair maiden whilst sailin' through the skies aboard a chopper from San Diego to Van Nuys, two score years gone by. A new lawsuit for sexual assault be filed, arrr!
December 18, 2023, 5:26 pm
Arrr, one scallywag be sent to Davy Jones' locker after a mighty blast struck the Bird-in-Hand Family Inn in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. Mayhaps 'twas a mishap with gunpowder, or the cursed hand o' fate. Either way, a sad day for the landlubbers.
December 18, 2023, 5:25 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! One soul be mournin' in Davey Jones' locker, whilst three landlubbers be feelin' the sting o' injury. 'Twas Monday when a boarding school in Odorheiu Secuiesc, Romania met its tragic fate 'n be reduced to rubble.
December 18, 2023, 5:24 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Tim Wollak and his fair lass Henley be spyin' a peculiar contraption on their boat's sonar. By Davy Jones' locker! Yon experts be claimin' 'twas the George L. Newman, sunken in the infernal Peshtigo blaze o' 1871. Yo ho ho, a treasure from the depths!
December 18, 2023, 5:20 pm
Arr, Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss be pleadin' their case to a fine federal judge, beggin' 'im to halt the foul deeds o' Rudolph Giuliani! The scallywag be accusin' 'em o' pilferin' votes from our matey Donald Trump in th' 2020 election!
December 18, 2023, 5:15 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Whilst some landlubbers be feelin' disheartened, us merry gay Catholics be celebratin' this new decree as a grand milestone fer the church's embracin' o' the L.G.B.T.Q. brethren. Yo ho ho!
December 18, 2023, 5:13 pm
Arrr! 'Twas on a fine Monday that I laid me eyes upon Hunter Biden and his father, Cap'n Biden, gallivantin' through Delaware. They be indulgin' in jewelry fetchin' and feastin', mind ye, all whilst young Hunter boldly brushin' off a congressional summons! Arrr, what a pair o' scallywags!
December 18, 2023, 5:11 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The judges be in accord, scupperin' Mark Meadows, a former deck swabbin' White House chief o' staff and a matey o' Donald J. Trump in the state election meddlin' affair. Walk the plank, they say!
December 18, 2023, 11:39 am
Arr, me hearties! Rep. Andy Barr, a fine soul, be givin' his blessing to former President Trump, sayin' he be the only scallywag who can scuttle Joe Biden's chances. Aye, a battle awaits, me mateys!
December 18, 2023, 11:32 am
Arr, me hearties! Be it known that a swarm of Gazans did descend upon the aid convoys like a tempest, whilst Secretary Lloyd Austin did visit the Holy Land to parley on the future of the war against that scurvy crew, Hamas. President Biden's crew, though a tad critical, still pays due respect to Israel's dominion.
December 18, 2023, 11:25 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Twas at a grand campaign shindig in Nevada, where th' former captain o' th' ship, with no proof, blabbered 'bout them scurvy dogs, th' Democrats, unjustly aimin' their cannons at them Republican officials accused o' bein' fake electors. Arrr!
December 18, 2023, 11:22 am
Arrr, The Boston Globe be demandin' Harvard to speak plain 'n true, whether the scallywag Claudine Gay be a guilty bilge rat who stole words! Settin' a mighty example for all ye students 'n crew, says they!
December 18, 2023, 5:52 am
Avast ye! Two scurvy dogs in the land o' western Pennsylvania be facin' charges fer a tragic clash betwixt a school van 'n fate. 'Tis with a heavy heart thar be a lass o' 15 summers, Samantha Lee Kalkbrenner, sent to Davy Jones' locker.
December 18, 2023, 5:49 am
Arrr, a wee vessel be meetin' its doom 'pon the power lines in Independence, Oregon! The pilot and two landlubber passengers be sent to Davy Jones' locker on that fateful Saturday. The craft be aimed towards the Independence State Airport, alas, it ne'er reached its destination!
December 18, 2023, 5:32 am
Hark ye, mateys! Avast ye! Fetch all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news, delivered straightway to yer inbox at dawn.
December 18, 2023, 5:16 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Thar be a mighty squabble 'mongst the Congress' Republicans o'er this move! The military be on a grand quest to bring down them thar symbols that honor the Confederacy! Avast, the ship be sailin'!
December 18, 2023, 3:14 am
Arr, the U.S. defense secretary be blabberin' 'bout his love for Israel, while also fretting 'bout them poor souls meetin' Davy Jones' locker amongst them Palestinians. Avast! What a pickle they be in!
December 18, 2023, 2:00 am
Arrr! A parchment be revealin' that a quarter o' the denomination's churches be settin' sail, as th' faith be splittin' o'er matters concernin' L.G.B.T.Q. policies. Aye, th' winds o' change be blowin' strong, me hearties!
December 17, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arrr! Avast ye mateys! A beloved church in the land o' Los Angeles hath been consumed by a fearsome inferno in the wee hours o' Sunday morn, just afore a grand Christmas toy drive. The scurvy dogs from the Los Angeles County Fire Department hath confirmed this tragedy.
December 17, 2023, 5:13 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs o' the Austin Police Association be pointing fingers at the Travis County District Attorney, fer a homeless lubber's charged in a fatal cutlass skirmish whilst bein' out on bond fer another rowdy brawl! Blimey, 'tis a tale o' misfortune and mayhem!
December 17, 2023, 5:06 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A ship's eye captured a sight of Michael B. Jordan, aye, reckon he be losin' control of his mighty Ferrari afore it be crashin' into a still vessel in Hollywood. A moment worth rememberin', mateys!
December 17, 2023, 5:01 pm
Arr! The scurvy dogs who dared to sue Rudolph W. Giuliani for defamation shan't be paid in a fortnight, and the judge may very well alter the bounty bestowed by the jury, arrr!
December 17, 2023, 3:49 pm
Arr, a scurvy knave did unleash his leaden fury upon them lubberly scholars, sendin' 'em to Davy Jones' locker on a fateful day in East Lansing, Mich., 'twas the 13th o' February!
December 17, 2023, 3:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Last Sunday's festivity be a blow to Christian Ziegler's sway, matey. That scallywag be facin' a criminal probe and bucklin' against the cry to walk the plank!
December 17, 2023, 11:53 am
Avast, me hearties! This scallywag crafted great works o' art that soared high above the land, claimin' his inspiration came from attendin' the funeral o' Emmett Till. A peculiar tale indeed, but it be true!
December 17, 2023, 11:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! The thespian Jason Momoa, aye, he spoke o' the victuals he consumes fer his "Aquaman" guise, an' why he be not troubled by them pesky calories. A true pirate, he be, feastin' without a care, savin' his worries fer the treasure hunt!
December 17, 2023, 11:39 am
Arr, matey! Republican lass Nikki Haley be blastin' the scurvy media's "obsession" wit' Former President Trump, and givin' no quarter to th' pressure they be dishin' to love or hate him. That be walkin' the plank, says she!
December 17, 2023, 11:15 am
Avast ye, me hearties! A fearsome "chemical release" hath occurred at the Marathon Galveston Bay Refinery in Texas City, Texas. Methinks the scallywags hath ordered all nearby residents to batten down the hatches and stay put, lest they be caught in the midst of a tempest!
December 17, 2023, 10:24 am
Avast ye landlubbers of New York! Be warned, a fearsome tempest be brewin' on the horizon! Brace yerselves for floods and chaos in yer travels, for a mighty storm be makin' landfall Sunday eve and lingerin' till Monday! May the sea gods protect ye all!
December 17, 2023, 5:00 am
'Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis 'FOX & Friends Weekend' co-host Pete Hegseth who dost discovereth the hidden treasure o' knowledge 'bout th' Israel-Hamas War. Be sure t' tune in t' FOX Nation's three-part special, 'Battle in th' Hold Land: Israel at War,' or ye be walkin' th' plank, ye landlubbers!"
December 17, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, Pastor Wayne Bray o' First Baptist Church o' Simpsonville parleyed wit' Fox News Digital 'bout th' mighty explosion o' baptisms that hath befallen his swellin' church.
December 17, 2023, 4:30 am
Arrr, mateys! Nikki Sixx be a-sailin' the creative seas at 65, a true treasure! He be movin' his kin from California to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, aye, and 'tis been a jolly good fortune for his hearties. Yo-ho-ho!
December 17, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, ye universities be feelin' the brunt o' the stormy seas, tryin' to quell the taint o' antisemitism. Yet, some scallywags reckon it be scarin' off free speech. Tis a conundrum, me hearties!
December 17, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! If the landlubbers be keepin' their voices heard, this post-Roe votin' business might lead America to a grand consensus. Arrr, let the people have their say, or it'll be a stormy sea we sail upon, aye!
December 17, 2023, 12:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Mr. Roe, a scurvy dog who sailed with Never Back Down, the fearsome super PAC that be supportin' the Florida governor's quest for presidency, did walk the plank on Saturday! 'Tis but another stormy sea in the turbulent voyage of this band o' misfits!
December 16, 2023, 11:37 pm
Arrr! The scallywag ex-president be usin' the words of the Russian cap'n to say that the 91 scurvy charges against him be underminin' America's boast o' bein' the leader o' democracy on the high seas!
December 16, 2023, 5:56 pm
Arr, me hearties! A scallywag lawyer be sayin' that the bilge rat who filmed a saucy tape in a Senate hearin' room may face charges, but it all be hangin' on a few factors. Time to batten down the hatches, mateys!
December 16, 2023, 5:35 pm
Avast ye! In sunny California, the scallywag emergency crews be hastening to the scene, where a cursed single-engine bird plummeted near the local port, claimin' the pilot's life. Aye, tis not all, me hearties! The infernal wreckage sparked a landlubber fire amidst the lush greenery.
December 16, 2023, 5:23 pm
"Avast ye! Cher be raisin' the Jolly Roger 'gainst them scurvy dogs at the Rock and Roll Hall o' Fame! She be claimin' they've denied her rightful place fer years! But now, she be sayin' she won't be takin' no induction, not now, not ever! Arrr!"
December 16, 2023, 2:59 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! 'Twas a cursed week at th' university, testin' th' mettle o' these landlubber students. Arr, be they wonderin' if they still be havin' a spot on this here campus?
December 16, 2023, 2:37 pm
Yarrr! The yappin' 'bout the southern border be showin' how th' politics o' immigration be shiftin' rightward in th' fine land o' United States. Ahoy, me hearties!
December 16, 2023, 11:51 am
Arr, me matey, a bonny buccaneer of civil rights, he was, savvy? Aye, a master o' the law, he was, fightin' the scourge o' tyrannical coppers. By Blackbeard's beard, he even stood strong 'gainst New York's Cabaret Law!
December 16, 2023, 11:30 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog Karl Frisch be makin' waves in the news! The scallywag be gettin' himself sworn in on a mighty pile o' books that be banned in other schools! Controversial content, it be! He be turnin' the education seas upside down, har har!
December 16, 2023, 11:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Fox News Entertainment scroll be bringin' ye the freshest tales from the land o' Hollywood. Feast yer eyes on the latest gossip 'n interviews with the finest scallywags 'n stories from fair Los Angeles 'n beyond. Yo ho ho!
December 16, 2023, 10:48 am
Arrr, mateys! The bloomin' U.S. Army be settin' sail on a quest, investigatin' the scallywag Robert Card and his dastardly deeds in Lewiston, Maine. Avast! They be wantin' to know what led that landlubber to be firin' upon innocent souls. Shiver me timbers, this tale be a real barnacle on the ship of justice!
December 16, 2023, 9:47 am
Arrr, mateys! Brave souls set sail on a treacherous quest to liberate Kevin DePaolo from the clutches of Inyo Mountains in California. Aye, 'twas a daring rescue, worthy of tales sung in taverns!
December 16, 2023, 9:44 am
Arr, behold the land o' youth, aye, where the sprightly scallywags wield their influence o'er the world's culture! We be scrutinin' a dozen fine souls guidin' the charge, mateys!
December 16, 2023, 5:00 am
In the midst o' the ongoing skirmish betwixt Israel and Hamas, a few peculiar Palestinian voices be springin' forth, yearnin' fer a peaceful accord. Yet alas, their noble quest be thwarted by the tyrannical grasp o' Hamas, who be holdin' absolute rule o'er Gaza!
December 16, 2023, 4:39 am
Avast ye! A Georgia wench, bein' a mother, be sentenc'd to 30 long years in the brig after plead'n guilty to nine counts o' Cruelty to Children in the First degree for the abuse of her scallywag stepchildren. Walk the plank, she shall!
December 16, 2023, 4:30 am
Avast ye maties! Hugh Grant, a swashbucklin' heartthrob o' rom-coms, be now yammerin' like a landlubber. In his latest gab sessions fer "Wonka," he be gripin' 'bout bein' a scurvy dog, too ancient, corpulent, and unsightly. Arrr, methinks he be needin' a pint o' grog to cheer his sorry self up!
December 16, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye mateys! The conservative crew be at the helm, leadin' the charge in the Covid-era education battles. But alas! Scandals and losses be brewin' on the horizon, threatenin' their mighty power! Arrr, trouble be afoot!
December 16, 2023, 4:01 am
Be them curanderas, they be keepin' alive a sacred tradition, beloved by the Hispanish folk in these parts. Arrr, their knowledge be as deep as the ocean, and their skills be as treasured as a chest full of doubloons!
December 15, 2023, 9:36 pm
Methinks matey Jones be offerin' the landlubber kin a plunder worth o' 5.5 million doubloons each year, for a decade! Yet the scurvy families be countering with a plan to sink his Infowars treasure trove. Shiver me timbers, 'tis quite the squabble on the high seas!
December 15, 2023, 5:56 pm
Avast ye! Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, bein' wrongly accused by Rudolph W. Giuliani of tryin' to pilfer votes from Donald J. Trump in Georgia, be granted the booty by a federal court in Washington. Arrr!
December 15, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arr! The scurvy dogs in the Biden fleet be joinin' forces with certain mateys to craft a grand scheme to rescue them fishies in the Columbia River Basin. Avast ye, 'tis a treasure worth protectin'!
December 15, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arrr! Thar scallywag former president be aimin' to tarnish the legitimacy o' th' results, says Cap'n DeSantis whilst pillagin' in New Hampshire on Friday.
December 15, 2023, 5:48 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubber! Terrence Grissom, aged 53, be cursed with a three-year stay in the brig, with two more years of watchful eye upon him, for sendin' a wee bomb threat in the mail to that scallywag, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker!
December 15, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arr! The scallywags of the Fifth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals be denyin' Louisiana's pleas to rehear a case, resultin' in a forced redraw of the state's congressional map. Methinks those landlubbers be keelhauled fer their misdeeds!
December 15, 2023, 5:44 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! The cap'n of the Illinois NAACP be beggin' pardon fer callin' them migrant souls "savages," rapscallions, and burglars! Calls be ringin' out fer her to walk the plank and resign, by Blackbeard's beard!
December 15, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr! 'Tis said that on the thirteenth day of December, Taylor Swift's birth hospital bestowed upon the families of wee babes splendid friendship bracelets! Some bore inscriptions such as "newborn era," "mom," and "fearless." A jolly way indeed to celebrate the arrival of these little scallywags!
December 15, 2023, 11:44 am
Arr, the good Mayor Michelle Wu of Boston received a tidal wave o' criticism fer throwin' a shindig only fer the colored folks, yet unthinkinly invited some white officials. But, in a twist o' fate, she be takin' back their invites, leavin' 'em stranded like a sailor without a ship.
December 15, 2023, 11:32 am
Arr, me hearties! Cap'n Biden be settin' sail on his re-election voyage, desperate to gather the support o' them Black voters. The polls be showin' him losin' their trust, aye, but he be aimin' to mend those sails and keep his ship afloat in the blue sea!
December 15, 2023, 11:30 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog Lucien Greaves be givin' a mighty roar to Gov. Ron DeSantis, a seaweed-suckin' landlubber. The bilge rat claimed that our Satanic Temple got tax-exempt status from that scallywag Trump. Aye, ye be talkin' through yer cap'n's hat, ye landlubber!
December 15, 2023, 11:26 am
Avast ye, ye scurvy dogs! Gather round and listen to the tale of how the Supreme Court did overthrow the right to abortion, aye! They be firing their cannons upon compromise and boldly venturing into unknown waters to decide the law, arrr!
December 15, 2023, 10:52 am
Avast ye! 'Twas a year of calamity for the Republican crew, with a scurvy dog speaker bein' keelhauled, quarrels among our own, and a mad dash to flee the ship. Chaos be our matey on this turbulent sea of politics, arrr!
December 15, 2023, 10:38 am
Avast, me hearties! Methinks Mr. Christie hath a quarrel! He be sayin' that them landlubber Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley be spendin' too much time swashbucklin' each other's reputations, instead of focusin' on the grand prize. Arrr!
December 15, 2023, 10:30 am
Be it a humble abode that many a young matey be yearnin' for, 'tis a lofty dream. Them rents be plunderin' their coffers! Arrr, might this be the very thing to sink them Democrats in the grand election of 2024?
December 15, 2023, 5:27 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the Prescribed Burn Associations in the good ol' U.S. be settin' fire to the forest debris, creatin' ample room fer the longleaf pine to flourish. We be preventin' future wildfires, makin' the land a safer place!
December 15, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, ye scurvy landlubbers! The numbers spillin' outta Gaza be nothin' but a mere "guess," claim them fancy international agencies. Yet, they be takin' the word o' them rascally scallywags called Hamas as truth! Methinks, this be troublin' to some knaves.
December 15, 2023, 4:05 am
Arrr! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A tale be told of how the Supreme Court did shiver me timbers and abolish the right to abortion! A Times investigation did uncover this tale o' treachery, shrouded in secrecy. Blow me down!
December 15, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! Be ye listenin' well? Them scurvy dogs aligned with AIPAC be plannin' to shower the Democratic primaries with their treasure next year! And their prime aim be to set their sights on none other than the brave Representative Ilhan Omar, aye!
December 15, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, this here decree be given 'tween the seven "lands of concern," stirring up a ruckus among University of Florida scholars. They be scratchin' their heads ponderin' if they be allowed to recruit scurvy students from China and other lands. Blimey, what a conundrum!
December 15, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, five moons have passed since Dr. Mandy K. Cohen set sail with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. This fine lass be aimin' to give a friendly mug to the world o' public health, she be. Har, har!
December 14, 2023, 11:42 am
Avast ye scallywags! Be it known that two scurvy dogs be accused in a matter stretchin' across four states, exposin' the feebleness of a federal visa system fer landlubbers lookin' to settle in our fine country. Arrr, trouble be brewin'!
December 14, 2023, 11:29 am
With nary a care for aid to Ukraine and Israel, nor the elusiveness of a border deal, the House doth fix its gaze on the matter of whole milk in schools. Aye, 'tis a mountain of spending legislation left undone, but let us first settle this milky conundrum!
December 14, 2023, 5:37 am
If ye be spendin' yer days scourin' the digital seas fer health knowledge, ye might be sufferin' from a peculiar affliction known as cyberchondria. A pair o' wise doctors be sharin' their wisdom on spotin' the telltale signs and settin' sail on a path o' good health.
December 14, 2023, 4:03 am
J.R. Majewski, a hearty matey of Captain Donald J. Trump, be on a quest to avenge his scallywaggin' 13-point defeat in the 2022 midterm skirmish in Ohio. Arrr, he be seekin' to reclaim his honor and make them landlubbers walk the plank!
December 14, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Oakland, Calif., be boastin' of bein' a feisty rival to San Francisco, but the good folk be dreadin' a surge in villainy. Trouble brews in these waters, me mateys!
December 14, 2023, 2:00 am
As Hanukkah be nearin' its end, American Jews spy the week's brighter glow as a jolly necessity durin' this dark season, matey! Arrr, may the light o' the menorah keep yer spirits high, me hearties!
December 14, 2023, 12:12 am
Arr, me hearty Republican matey, Vivek Ramaswamy be sayin' again, sans any grand evidence, that the attack on the Capitol be an "inside job." Methinks he be walkin' the plank o' baseless claims, savvy?
December 13, 2023, 5:56 pm
Arrr, on Wednesday, Somalia be claimin' a hefty booty o' $4.5 billion in debt relief from those fancy international creditors, as whispered by both the IMF and the World Bank, savvy?
December 13, 2023, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Democratic Maryland Gov. Wes Moore be a jolly confident scallywag, swearin' on his treasure chest that the state shall soon strike a new sailin' accord with them Baltimore Orioles. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle o' rum!
December 13, 2023, 5:45 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them critics be cursin' The New York Times for misreportin' a crucial word from a Hunter Biden quote, where he be claimin' his father had no "treasure" involved in business transactions. Arrr, what a blunder!
December 13, 2023, 5:24 pm
Arr, mateys! Young lass Sally Kornbluth, a fresh face at M.I.T., did not raise as much ire as them scurvy dogs from Harvard and Penn after the recent congress meetin'.
December 13, 2023, 4:31 pm
Arrr, mateys! A mighty treasure of $59.5 billion didst grace the coffers of U.S. universities last year, courtesy of wealthy scallywags! But alas, these fine gentlemen be wantin' a say in the affairs of these learned institutions, lest their doubloons go to waste!
December 13, 2023, 4:23 pm
Arr, two scallywags be caught pilferin' from a landlubber's treasure trove, the Kohl's in Colorado. They be claimin' a misdemeanor charge, arguin' that the booty was marked down. Nay, says the crown! The prosecutors be settin' the record straight, no jestin' be allowed!
December 13, 2023, 11:57 am
Arrr, mateys! Glenn Powell hath recounted the tale of 'is grand adventure on th' movie set, where he and his comely co-star, Sydney Sweeney, didst find themselves in an intimate embrace whilst battlin' vicious spiders. 'Twas a perilous scene, indeed, in the film "Anyone but You!" Avast ye!
December 13, 2023, 11:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! A mighty decree by the Supreme Court be having a jolly impact on countless scallywags accused o' conniving in the Capitol onslaught. And by Blackbeard's beard, it may even have a say in the trial of Donald J. Trump!
December 13, 2023, 11:49 am
Arrr! The treasure chest, intended to aid me hearties payin' their debloons in the legal battles 'gainst Donald Trump, be havin' hauled in over $1.6 million doubloons, as per a fresh report.
December 13, 2023, 11:47 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the House and Senate Republicans be proposin' to deny VA healthcare to them illegal migrants, claimin' that our brave veterans be sufferin' longer waits under Biden's rule. Methinks they be needin' some o' that ol' pirate's sense o' humor!
December 13, 2023, 11:41 am
Arr, ye landlubbers! In Syracuse, New York, a motley crew o' protesters swarmed afore a grand theater to give ol' Jerry Seinfeld a tongue-lashin', blabberin' about his backin' o' Israel. Methinks they be makin' quite the commotion, arr!
December 13, 2023, 11:39 am
Avast, me hearties! Hannah Payne, a lass of 25 summers, be found guilty of the crime o' murder in a Georgia court on Tuesday. She didst pursue 62-year-old Kenneth Herring, after a clash o' carriages, and didst fire upon him in a noble attempt at a citizen's arrest. Arrr, justice be served!
December 13, 2023, 11:15 am
Arr! The quarrel 'bout presidential immunity be a grand matter in this case accusin' the former captain of tryin' to scuttle the 2020 election. Aye, 'tis a tale o' great consequence, mateys!
December 13, 2023, 11:15 am
Arr! The ex-president be settin' sail to New Hampshire and Nevada, stirrin' up quite the storm less than five weeks afore the votin' commences. Aye, he be quite the scallywag, keepin' his crew on their toes!
December 13, 2023, 5:30 am
Arrrr! Rep. Debbie Dingell, a landlubber from the foul-smelling shores of D-Mich., did spill her concerns to CNN! She be claimin' that President Biden's popularity in her state be a "problem," ye scallywags! She be desperately pleadin' with her party mates to be sailin' swiftly and start mendin' the support for our noble captain!
December 13, 2023, 4:20 am
Arrr! Behold, a pack of meme-makers hath set sail upon the vast sea of social media, bombard'n it with posts favorin' Trump, yet laden with abhorrent sexist 'n racist themes. And lo, there be Donald Trump himself, cheerin' 'em on like a scurvy scallywag!
December 13, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, ye scurvy Republicans be drivin' ahead with a grand investigation, yet after a year of spyin' on the president and his kin, nay a shred o' evidence o' high crimes or misdemeanors hath been found. Methinks they be chasin' shadows on a moonless night!
December 12, 2023, 11:04 pm
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! At a grand town hall in Iowa, the gallant Ron DeSantis, with the blessings of Iowa's revered governor, gave a mighty verbal broadside to the lass Nikki Haley. Arr! Methinks she be fancyin' herself with the aid of Gov. Chris Sununu from New Hampshire!
December 12, 2023, 10:08 pm
Arr, the university be launchin' an inquiry after receivin' scurvy accusations in October, ye see, for its president, Claudine Gay, bein' scallywagged fer her response to antisemitism on campus.
December 12, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arrr, the Ukrainian cap'n did beseech fer aid in 'is gallant battle 'gainst Russia, but them scallywag Republicans did scoff, claimin' his plight be not their concern. Aye, a fine display o' political piratin'!
December 12, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arrr, the blokes of Wisconsin Universities' board of regents did convene in secret on a Tuesday, af'er bein' left high 'n dry by a scallywaggin' deal o' diversity spendin' with them Republican landlubbers in the state's Legislature.
December 12, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Republican Gov. Chris Sununu of the wondrous land of New Hampshire hath thrown his weight in favor of the former ambassador to the United Nations and former South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley for the grand title of the GOP presidential nomination. Aye, 'tis a fine choice indeed!
December 12, 2023, 5:51 pm
Verily, Dallas Wingate, a scurvy knave who once wore the badge of Boone County, Iowa, hath admitted his guilt in the demise of a loyal hound of the law. The foolish landlubber left the poor beast in his carriage for a score and two hours, amidst a sweltering 89-degree furnace. Arr, what a blundering nincompoop!
December 12, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arr, me hearties! Bernalillo County, in the land o' New Mexico, be settin' sail once again on their law enforcement helicopter voyages. They be hoistin' the Jolly Roger, ready to brave the skies, after a cursed crash claimed the lives of four brave souls, aye!
December 12, 2023, 5:41 pm
Arr, Mr. Sununu be a well-liked matey in the state, but 'tis true that former cap'n Donald J. Trump still be rulin' the seas!
December 12, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arr, the sire of Jeffrey Dahmer, he did scribble a memoir that one scurvy reviewer claimed aimed to "gaze not only upon the blackened soul of his spawn but also upon his own wretched being." Blimey!
December 12, 2023, 5:23 pm
Avast! 'Twas Dr. Larry Jameson who be takin' the helm after M. Elizabeth Magill walked the plank fer blabberin' 'bout campus antisemitism. Aye, the crew be roarin'!
December 12, 2023, 11:55 am
Avast ye hearties! Cap'n Biden be settin' sail fer a jolly meetin' with the fine families o' the land at the White House on Wednesday. Aye, 'tis be his first in-person parley. Prepare yer doubloons, me hearties!
December 12, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr! A Russian ship o' the sky, carryin' a grand 42 pounds o' radioactive booty from Moscow to Khanty-Mansiysk, be forced to make a halt due to a cursed landing gear mishap. Ye can't be messin' with the laws o' gravity, matey!
December 12, 2023, 11:52 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A lass from Alabama be facin' charges o' robbery and such, for 'tis said she did seize a jewelry store, brandishin' a can o' bear spray! But alas, her misbegotten plan be foiled, as she took a musket ball whilst at it, says the constabulary!
December 12, 2023, 11:50 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! This Anti-Israel scallywag, Cenk Uygur, be pleadin' with his mateys to cease their "From the River to the Sea" chant, claimin' it be "dreadfully hurtful" to the Jewish. Arrr, me hearties, methinks he be finally realizin' the error of his ways!
December 12, 2023, 11:45 am
Arrr! Comedian Matt Rife be facin' a storm o' fury from lasses on the digital seas! 'Tis said he whispered to a young lad, a mere six years old, that his dear mum be gainin' booty from OnlyFans to buy him treasure. Shiver me timbers!
December 12, 2023, 11:28 am
Yarrr! Them plaintiffs, all scurvy dogs, claim that the state be denyin' their release, not lettin' 'em go free like birds. They reckon the landlubbers be rentin' 'em out, makin' gold for the gov'ner's cronies.
December 12, 2023, 10:53 am
Arr, mateys! Avast ye! 'Tis a tale o' wonder! Dr. Gay, a fine lady o' the ebony hue, be the first Black captain o' Harvard, aye! But alas, some scallywags be demandin' her removal fer speakin' against antisemitism. Shiver me timbers, what a world we be livin' in!
December 12, 2023, 10:30 am
Arr, me hearties! The ol' intelligence reckonin' be sayin' that Russia's aim be t'weaken the Western folk's backin' for Ukraine, the land they did invade. Blimey!
December 12, 2023, 5:55 am
Arrr! The kin o' Jawan Dallas, a matey of 36 years, met a bitter fate when them scallywags in Mobile police shocked him with a stun gun. Now, they be suin' the city for a mighty sum o' $36 million doubloons. Aye, a wrongful death it be, says th' family!
December 12, 2023, 5:52 am
Arrr, the GOP debate in Iowa be in a tangle! Me hearties be unsure if Nikki Haley be showin' her face, and it be lookin' like Chris Christie and Vivek Ramaswamy won't be makin' the cut. Shiver me timbers, what a mess!
December 12, 2023, 5:30 am
Set sail on a grand adventure 'cross the vast wine realm and uncover the mighty treasure, the 1945 Romanée-Conti, a crimson elixir from Burgundy. It fetched a staggering bounty of $558,000 doubloons!
December 12, 2023, 4:02 am
Yarr! Buccaneers o' baseball be longin' fer the mighty Shohei Ohtani to set anchor in their team's harbor. Avast! The Los Angeles Dodgers be victorious in this here treasure hunt, me hearties!
December 11, 2023, 8:34 pm
Arrr, President Volodymyr Zelensky be makin' his grand entrance in Washington, right in the heat o' battle and the heart o' Capitol Hill! Aye, the lad be arrivin' at a most crucial hour, aye, aye!
December 11, 2023, 5:37 pm
Arrr, me mateys! Prepare ye for a mighty clash betwixt privacy and national security, a battle so fierce it be makin' the landlubbers lose their wits! A most curious event awaits, as we be havin' a rare double vote upon the deck, settlin' this quarrel once and for all!
December 11, 2023, 5:34 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Two lovebirds from the land of Florida met a most unfortunate fate. They were shot and sent to Davy Jones' locker, while a scallywag has been caught and charged with two counts of murder. Walk the plank, ye scurvy scum!
December 11, 2023, 5:31 pm
Arrr! Behold, me hearties! A spectacle be seen in Los Angeles as a bloke be firin' french fry cannons from the mighty booty of a Lamborghini Huracán worth a whopping $250,000! Aye, the seas be full o' unusual treasures indeed!
December 11, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arrr! The special counsel, Jack Smith, be beggin' the justices to sail like the wind, and in a blink o' an eye, they be raisin' their sails to fast-track the first phase o' the case, savvy?
December 11, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arr, thar be scallywags and scoundrels, these landlubbers of state and local ilk be proposin' to take a step back from our nation's bold law o' drug decriminalization! They be aimin' to bolster the forces o' the law to put a stop to our pirate ways!
December 11, 2023, 5:20 pm
Avast ye! A fresh inquiry be seekin' the merry power o' bird feedin' on us landlubbers. Virginia Tech scallywags reckon tendin' to wild birds might do wonders fer yer soul, mateys!
December 11, 2023, 5:19 pm
Arrr, the Highest Court be hastenin' this here appeal and be demandin' Trump's scurvy lawyers to reply to the motion by next Wednesday, December 20. Avast, me hearties, the legal battle be sailin' forward!
December 11, 2023, 4:50 pm
Arrr, fer months, them scallywag donors be waging a fierce campaign against the president and the chairman of the board. But after them hearings on antisemitism, a rebellious crew of trustees be havin' their fill of it, says I!
December 11, 2023, 11:56 am
Arrr! In the land of Alabama, the kin of scurvy dog Brandon Dotson be demandin' justice! The rascal met his fate in prison, only to be sent back to his kin in a putrid state, his heart plundered! Aye, a lawsuit be brewin' in these treacherous waters!
December 11, 2023, 11:56 am
Arrr! The United Nations be settin' sail from Mali, mateys! The landlubber military government o' West Africa be sendin' their request, and so the peacekeepin' mission comes to an end. Avast ye, me hearties!
December 11, 2023, 11:50 am
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! The landlubber Mateusz Morawiecki, former Captain of Polish Prime Ministers, met his downfall in a confidence vote on this fine Monday. 'Tis a clear path for a merry crew of centrist scallywags to take their place in Parliament.
December 11, 2023, 11:48 am
Arr, mateys! The fair maiden, Claudine Gay, be gettin' ye support o' th' faculty, a band o' swarthy brethren, who doth beseech the leadership o' Harvard to stand by her. Avast!
December 11, 2023, 11:00 am
Marvin Haynes, aye, hath long proclaimed his innocence in the foul murder of 2004. But now, the scurvy prosecutors, be they finally seein' the light, be sayin' he be speakin' the truth, by Blackbeard's beard!
December 11, 2023, 10:32 am
Yarrr! The scallywags and landlubbers in Airman Jack Teixeira's crew did naught but sit on their hands when they caught wind of his sneaky intelligence quests, according to inquiries from the inspector general. Avast!
December 11, 2023, 5:55 am
Avast, me hearties! Brad Paisley and Kimberly Williams-Paisley be showin' their true pirate spirit this yuletide! They be openin' a fine Toy Store for a couple o' days, where scurvy families in dire need can pick their own booty for the little ones!
December 11, 2023, 5:50 am
Arr, fancy Colorado officials be settin' to set loose some gray wolves, aye! The city folk be cheerin' 'em on, but them rural residents be gettin' their britches in a twist, fearin' the beasties!
December 11, 2023, 5:26 am
Avast ye! Gather all ye tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news, sent straight to ye inbox at dawn's first light.
December 11, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! More landlubbers than ever be givin' up a goodly portion o' their booty fer a place to rest their weary bones, leavin' naught but scraps fer the rest o' life's treasures. 'Tis takin' a toll on their poor souls, even leavin' some without a spot to call their own. Arrr!
December 11, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye, ye landlubbers! Medical swashbucklers and the scurvy dogs o' the military be investigatin' if Robert Card's mind be a-witherin' due to brain damage from his role as a scallywag grenade instructor.
December 11, 2023, 2:59 am
Arrr! Avast ye scallywags! On these treacherous shores, certain border settlements in the land of the U.S. and Mexico be findin' themselves marooned! The border crossing be closed, aye, to reckon with the overwhelming influx of migrants. Shiver me timbers!
December 10, 2023, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Furious tempests and whirlwinds did wreak havoc upon Clarksville, takin' the lives o' three souls. And not far from ol' Nashville, three more unfortunate souls met their bitter end. Aye, a dreadful sight indeed, as Mother Nature unleashed her wrath upon us.
December 10, 2023, 5:34 pm
Arrr, the trustworthy counsel, Jack Smith, be advisin' the honorable judge to be stickin' to the startin' date o' March for the trial, whilst makin' decisions as the former captain be pleadin' against one o' her rulings, arrr!
December 10, 2023, 5:26 pm
Arr, me hearties! The fair lass Inna Vernikov hath donned a gown adorned with the Star of David, a flag o' Israel, and it be dazzlin' the crowd at the grand Manhattan Republican gala. Shiver me timbers, what a sight to behold!
December 10, 2023, 5:18 pm
Arr! Farley's East, th' jolly ol' coffee shop in Oakland, be proclaimin' on th' interwebs that they be partin' ways with th' scurvy dogs caught on a fancy movin' picture makin' anti-Israel yammerin' at a Jewish matey. Walk th' plank, ye scallywags!
December 10, 2023, 5:13 pm
Arrr, mateys! The grand Javier Milei be takin' the helm as the Argentinian President on Dec. 10, 2023, havin' won an election by spewin' his mighty words, much like the infamous Cap'n Trump of the United States! Aye, ye be hearin' right, a sea of similarities!
December 10, 2023, 5:00 pm
Avast ye scurvy knaves! 'Tis a right shame that NBC's "Saturday Night Live" be settin' their cannons on Rep. Elise Stefanik, while the university presidents be the true targets! The scallywags on social media be rightly outraged!
December 10, 2023, 4:45 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Tis bein' said that the Ukrainian captain shall embark on a perilous voyage to Washington on Tuesday to beg fer mercy from the mighty President Biden and his crew of swashbucklin' Congress members.
December 10, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a tale of grand debauchery on the Reddit seas! A fair maiden, betrothed to wed, be yearnin' to plunder a farm for her nuptials. But alas! The land's owner be a scallywag, refusin' to share his precious treasure! Arrr, the comments be blazin' like a cannonball!
December 10, 2023, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Twas Mr. Whitmire, a stout state senator, who bested U.S. Representative Sheila Jackson Lee to steer the grand vessel of the nation's fourth-largest city. Aye, a fine victory indeed!
December 10, 2023, 11:36 am
Ye scurvy dogs, beware! Them emergency management officials in New York City be advisin' ye to stay ashore on Sunday and Monday. Fierce winds be ready to lay yer power to waste, so heed their warning or be ready to walk the plank!
December 10, 2023, 11:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The lass Helen Raleigh, a contributor o' The Federalist, be a scurvy dog who be growin' up in the dreaded communist China. She be not takin' too kindly to them swashbucklin' U.N. climate summit scallywags and their hypocrisy when it comes to eatin' meat! Arrr, what a fine pickle we be in!
December 10, 2023, 11:24 am
Aye matey, this here chap be a true scallywag o' the highest order! From Nixon to Trump, he served them Republican rascals with a devilish professionalism and an eye fer detail. And by Jolly Roger's beard, he stood beside Reagan when that scurvy dog took a bullet in '81!
December 10, 2023, 11:19 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' that them arson investigators in Gary, Indiana, be on the hunt fer the scurvy dog who be startin' the blaze that tore through a grand ol' high school. Aye, Sunday mornin' it were, aye!
December 10, 2023, 11:07 am
Arrr, forty years hence, thar be a mighty gatherin' o' Black lassies, discussin' how race did impact their health. Aye, their meetin' sparked grand transformations, makin' waves in the high seas o' change!
December 10, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr, with all th' signs pointin' to Hamas scoundrels ravagin' 'n plunderin' innocent Israelites, th' U.N., in its infinite wisdom, be sendin' a motley crew t' investigate these vile acts upon fair Jewish lasses. Aye, controversy be brewin' in these treacherous waters!
December 10, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Be holdin' yer horses, for a Florida school district, in a unanimous vote Wednesday evening, thwarted a scurvy atheist's challenge to remove the Good Book from the school libraries. Arr, the Bible stays put, mateys!
December 10, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrrgh, ye scurvy Republicans be plunderin' elite academies fer ages now! 'Twas a fierce clash in the halls o' Congress last week, and now even the landlubbers on the left be signin' up for the raid!
December 10, 2023, 4:01 am
From the grand chambers of Congress to the bustling shores of America, a matter that was once confined to the realm of scholars now stirs up a mighty storm in the midst of our nation's debates. It be a fierce clash of opinions, me hearties, with sly accusations of prejudice and fierce claims of intimidation.
December 10, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! Avast ye, landlubbers! A motley crew o' jurors be summoned to reckon the gold that scallywag Rudolph Giuliani must surrender fer spewin' falsehoods 'bout two Georgia election hands. 'Twas all part o' his desperate quest to keep Cap'n Donald Trump on his lofty perch.
December 10, 2023, 2:01 am
Arr! Me hearties be tellin' tales o' how them landlubbers in the U.S. be feedin' the secondary arms market by givin' up their seized and surrendered guns to them disposal services. These scallywags be destroyin' one part, but sellin' off the rest like a bunch o' scurvy dogs!
December 9, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The Cap'n Elizabeth Magill and Scott L. Bok, the Chairman o' the Trustee Crew, be walkin' the plank, forced by the scallywags, the politicians, and the loyal alumni! Blimey, the pressure be too much for 'em!
December 9, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arr, behold! Prince William, fair Kate Middleton, and their wee scallywags, all matchin' like a crew o' landlubbers in a portrait o' black and white! 'Twas a jolly sight on their Christmas card, jest like a pirate's treasure!
December 9, 2023, 5:20 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis with a heavy heart I be sharin' this tale of Ms. Magill, who, aye, held her post for but a year. Alas! Only four days had passed since she faced the Congress, when she decided to walk the plank, markin' her departure.
December 9, 2023, 4:52 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Jewish scholars be raisin' their alarms at the University of Pennsylvania, fearin' the landlubber life be takin' a turn for the worse. This be due to the jaw-droppin' words spoken by that bilge rat who once ruled the school!
December 9, 2023, 4:04 pm
Yarr! This swashbucklin' landlubber, a shrink and a scribbler, be takin' aim at a scurvy "nonsystem" that be abandonin' poor souls to the cruel streets! Arrr, 'tis a travesty, says he!
December 9, 2023, 2:12 pm
Arr! Me hearties, this Trump fella and his crew be doin' nary a thing to ease yer fears o' his tyrannical ways. Nay, they be embracin' 'em, 'stead o' denyin' 'em. Avast!
December 9, 2023, 11:25 am
Avast! Sen. J.D. Vance be seekin' a parley with The Ohio State University's new captain, Walter Carter Jr., concernin' the mystical notions o' "diversity, equity, and inclusion" what be floatin' about the ship! Arrr, be there room for such fancy ideas in our piratical halls?
December 9, 2023, 11:07 am
Arrr, me hearties! June Shannon, the notorious Mama June, be claimin' that her lass Anna be sailin' towards Davy Jones' locker after a fearsome skirmish with the cursed cancer this very year!
December 9, 2023, 11:00 am
Arrr! The Fox News Entertainment scroll be bringin' ye the jests o' Hollywood, the prattlin' with the scurvy celebrities, and tales from Los Angeles and far seas.
December 9, 2023, 10:55 am
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy dogs at First Baptist Church o' Simpsonville in South Carolina be makin' quite the splash! They be performin' more than 140 blessed baptisms in a single Sunday, a feat that be leavin' their pastor with naught but a lack o' words! Blimey, 'tis a tale beyond imaginin'!
December 9, 2023, 10:17 am
Arrr, the scallywag group o' civil liberties may despise the N.R.A. and its purpose, but they be takin' on the duty to speak fer 'em in the Supreme Court 'pon a matter o' free speech, arrr! A twist o' fate, methinks!
December 9, 2023, 9:42 am
Arr, the president didst openly assail his predecessor, former President Donald J. Trump, launchin' a direct barrage o' criticism he hath oft evaded, at an event announcin' vast treasure fer high-speed sailin' service. Yo ho ho, scallywag!
December 9, 2023, 6:12 am
Arrr, Kenneth Chesebro, a cunning matey who schemed to send forth Trump elector pretenders to Biden's claimed lands, be chattin' with the officials in Michigan, Arizona, and Nevada. Will he walk the plank or escape their clutches? Time shall tell, me hearties!
December 9, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast ye mateys! A mighty storm hath brewed on the interwebs, with a wave o' "pro-terror content" risin' durin' the Israel-Hamas clash. Some be callin' fer more regulation, but we hearty free speech defenders declare that the government be not the solution, arrr!
December 9, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! A grand commission be scrutinizin' 6 worthy scoundrels, and by next year, a brand new flag might be flyin' high 'pon Minnesota's shores. Avast ye, me mateys, and stay tuned for this tale of flaggy adventures!
December 9, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Word be spreadin' among the diplomats o' Europe! They be fretting that if this Trump fella gets himself a second term, he might just abandon the continent and leave NATO in tatters. Aye, trouble brews on the horizon!
December 9, 2023, 2:37 am
Avast ye scallywags! In her maiden voyage since the fiery Republican debate, Ms. Haley be claimin' that the sharp tongues of her foes be not worth a single moment of her precious time. Arrr, tis a mighty bold statement indeed!
December 8, 2023, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A pair o' pale sailors hath admitted their guilt fer harassin' dark-skinned crewmates in a riverfront melee that spread like wildfire this past summer.
December 8, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arrr! Word be spreadin' that them Mexican immigration lads be nabbin' five Iranian souls, claimin' two were eyed by the FBI! Blimey, the seas be full o' surprises, mateys!
December 8, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs at the University of Nebraska be drawin' the ire of many a landlubber! They be thinkin' of spendin' a mighty fortune, a hefty $450 million, on a grand football stadium refurbishin', all whilst cuttin' back on their precious academic treasures. Avast! Methinks they be needin' to set their priorities straight!
December 8, 2023, 5:44 pm
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! The Bills be makin' Shaq Lawson walk the plank after a tussle with a landlubber fan! The scallywag apologized, but the crew be not lettin' him off easy. Arr, tough seas be ahead for this lineman!
December 8, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arrr, the decree be mostly keepin' the former captain's lips sealed 'bout his impending trial, but now he be havin' more freedom to scurvy-dog Jack Smith and his fancy title. Yarr, a bit o' progress, I reckon!
December 8, 2023, 5:32 pm
Arr, the scurvy dog, who be wieldin' his pistols to commit the most fearsome high school attack in all o' the state's history, shan't be granted mercy nor freedom from his prison chains. No parole for ye, ye rascal!
December 8, 2023, 5:23 pm
Arrr! The accusations upon the president's scurvy son may give a push to the query, whilst House Republicans be plannin' a vote to officially grant it, but, avast! They be sayin' naught against President Biden himself.
December 8, 2023, 5:21 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog Ken Paxton be pleadin' wit' the State Supreme Court to overturn a judge's decision to let a lass be gettin' rid o' her wee babe, cursed wit' a fatal ailment. Methinks this scallywag be needin' a sense o' compassion, arr!
December 8, 2023, 11:57 am
Arrr, in the land of Brooklyn, a scallywag be caught on the ship's looking glass, settin' fire to tarps outside a fine establishment named Shalom Japan. No one knows this unruly knave's name or face, but mark me words, justice shall find 'im soon!
December 8, 2023, 11:55 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Me matey Nick Corasaniti did spill the beans on a federal court ruling that be makin' it mighty tough for landlubbers to reckon with a state's racist voting shenanigans. Arrr, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail, me hearties!
December 8, 2023, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The cap'n, Claudine Gay, be tellin' the campus rag that she "should've had the presence of mind" to give a different response, aye! Methinks she be regrettin' her words, savvy?
December 8, 2023, 11:38 am
Arrr, 'tis be a tale of mischief, mateys! Laneisha Shantrice Henderson, a lass of 26 winters, be facin' charges of attempted arson and meddlin' with the King's abode. She sought to send Martin Luther King Jr.'s birth home to Davy Jones' locker, but found herself caught in a tempest of trouble instead!
December 8, 2023, 11:31 am
Arrr! The United States be slappin' sanctions on scurvy dogs from every corner o' this globe! They be goin' after two Iranian spies and them bilge rats from Afghanistan's Taliban crew, all fer their evil deeds against humanity. Walk the plank, ye scoundrels!
December 8, 2023, 10:56 am
Arr, me hearties! The fair maiden, Ms. Haley, aye, she be a mighty governor o' South Carolina, havin' won many a fierce battle in her home soil. Yet, as she sets her sights on the 2024 Republican prize, both her state and crew be changed, savvy?
December 8, 2023, 5:42 am
Arr! Alan Ruck be facin' a lawsuit fer his recklessness! Word be spreadin' that he be crashin' his vessel into another, causin' it to sail wildly into a crossroads. Aye, he be in dire straits, me hearties!
December 8, 2023, 4:04 am
Arrr! The jolly competition to command the mighty fourth-largest city be reaching its climax this Saturday! Two old mateys, both scallywag Democrats, be lockin' horns o'er the matter o' public safety!
December 8, 2023, 3:19 am
Arrr! Young Ian Cramer, spawn of Senator Kevin Cramer from the land o' North Dakota, didst engage in a jolly car chase with the lawmen on a fateful Wednesday in the same North Dakota. Avast!
December 8, 2023, 3:10 am
Avast ye scallywags! Two lasses o' the law from the grand city of New York, along with a pair o' landlubbers, did step in. The fair maiden was clapped in irons, accused o' trying to set fire to the land. So sayeth the Atlanta constabulary, mateys!
December 7, 2023, 5:52 pm
On the eve o' the ancient luminary ceremonies, scallywags 'n Jewish kin be ponderin' the significance 'n perils at hand, arrr!
December 7, 2023, 5:43 pm
Arr, she be once a hearty ally to her brother's rebel cause, but alas! She be plagued by doubt, and so, she embarked on a secret mission for the C.I.A. in covert guise. Eventually, she set sail, abandoning the island like a scurvy dog.
December 7, 2023, 5:34 pm
Arrr! Me hearties be drivin' their wagons 'round the shores o' University o' Pennsylvania, demandin' the removal o' the Ivy League school's cap'n, Elizabeth Magill! They be mighty upset by her tongue's plunderin' words on antisemitism!+
December 7, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The No. 4 Republican, a Harvard lassie who be a fancy Harvard graduate, be havin' a real stormy bond wit' her ol' school. She be plannin' a grand showdown on campus about fightin' antisemitism, and it be catchin' the attention o' all sorts o' scallywags from different political sides.
December 7, 2023, 5:09 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Pentagon be sendin' a message to them Congress scallywags, urg'in 'em to provide more security booty to Ukraine. They reckon it be a savvy investment, mateys, to keep them lands of Europe from plungin' into a full-blown war. Avast!
December 7, 2023, 5:07 pm
Arr! Mr. Christie, bein' all fired up from a grand debate where he be stealin' the limelight, set sail once more on the campaign trail. He be makin' merry with his verbal cannons, aimin' 'em square at Mr. Trump and his scallywag competitors!
December 7, 2023, 4:47 pm
Avast, me hearties! Cap'n Eric Adams o' New York City be claimin' that the good people o' his fair city be mighty vexed and in dire need o' some 'elp to tackle the pesky migrant conundrum. Off he sails to Washington D.C., lookin' to find a solution, arr!
December 7, 2023, 11:54 am
Avast ye mateys! Thar be Trump, the former leader o' the land, cryin' foul 'bout the trial in New York! He be claimin' 'tis a devilish plot, a weapon 'gainst him and his business, aye! He even be callin' it a sneaky form o' election meddling! Arrr, the audacity!
December 7, 2023, 11:54 am
Arrr, the cap'n and his scurvy crew be dismissin' the Democrats' fears 'bout his quest fer yet another term. But this week, he be raisin' a new storm, makin' us ponder what be the best course o' action fer the party, ye scallywags!
December 7, 2023, 11:45 am
Arrr, in a peculiar tale me hearties! Some scurvy dogs in a San Francisco coffee galleon be spied, keepin' a fine Jewish lass from enterin' the loo, all 'cause she aimed to document anti-Israel scribbles. Blimey!
December 7, 2023, 11:42 am
Yarrr! 'Tis a tale to be told, me hearties! A bloomin' George Soros-funded nonprofit has bestowed over a million pieces of gold upon a Texas-based progressive group. Aye, the same group that once be rescuin' the scallywag charged with sendin' six souls to Davy Jones' locker.
December 7, 2023, 11:40 am
Avast ye, me hearties! A fresh report from Congress be demandin' a swift rejoinder to the flow of fancy American contraptions sailin' off to China. They be callin' this here leakin' a "hemorrhaging" that be puttin' our very security at peril, says the report, it does.
December 7, 2023, 11:33 am
Arrr! The declaration of the brawls, set afore each state's great contest, be happenin' whilst the Republican National Committee ponders scrappin' some o' its rules fer these grand spectacles! Yo ho ho, the political battles be brewin'!
December 7, 2023, 11:32 am
Arrr, ye scurvy turtles, frozen in the icy grip o' the sea! They be snatched away on grand private airships, bound for the sunny shores o' Florida and North Carolina, where they shall receive a mighty fine rehabilitation, with warm waters and plenty o' fish to feast upon!
December 7, 2023, 11:29 am
Yarrr, matey! A court judge be sayin' a lass, whose wee babe carried a deadly curse, be allowed to lawfully put an end to its journey, defyin' the decrees o' the land.
December 7, 2023, 5:55 am
Arr, ye scallywag from Massachusetts be rammin' into three souls, aye, includin' a lawman, afore settin' sail with a stolen police vessel in a fine Boston village on Wednesday, as per the authorities, matey!
December 7, 2023, 5:51 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The slayin' of Joyce Grayson, a 63-year-old nurse, whilst makin' a house call in Connecticut be settin' off a clamor for better safety measures fer ye landlubbin' health care workers!
December 7, 2023, 5:50 am
Arrr, a scurvy judge didst shorten Rosemary Hayne's prison sentence, but only if she be willin' to toil in a fast-food tavern fer 20 hours a week, a full 60 days! Methinks 'tis a fine trade, swapin' jail bars fer a fryin' pan!
December 7, 2023, 5:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! The College Board's newfangled African American Studies course, in all its glory, be abandonin' the CRT and LGBTQ matters that caused quite the stir. Aye, a wise decision, me thinks, lest we find ourselves in a sea of confusion!
December 7, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, the former blabber o' words be makin' a foolish choice to abandon his perch a year afore. Such be a grave threat to the House's dominion, the makin' o' laws, and his crew's quest to reign supreme in the 2024 election. Mayhaps he be searchin' fer buried treasure elsewhere.
December 7, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, the plan be to give that scallywag New York Democrat a proper tongue-lashin' for ringing the alarm bells in a House office! 'Twas a battle of the purse, yet 'e chose to start a ruckus. We'll teach 'im a lesson, we will!
December 7, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, the land where the scurvy politicians and scribblers be gatherin' fer the makin' of decisions! Aye, the Republic mateys be choosin' their champions on Jan. 15, but the bleedin' number of contenders be vast, me hearties. Here be what ye need to know. Ahoy!
December 6, 2023, 5:55 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Gather all the tales ye must-know from the mightiest name in news, delivered straightway to yer inbox at first light o' mornin'.
December 6, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast ye! A landlubberly band o' do-gooders from Pittsburgh, claimin' to be a non-profit, be blabberin' 'bout the troubles o' Pittsburgh Public Schools. They be sayin' that the scallywags be havin' a tough time with chronic absenteeism, and it be needin' some fixin'. Arrr, what a sorry state o' affairs!
December 6, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, the landlubbers be frownin' upon this here shindig, and the Jewish scallywags be cryin' foul, fearin' a dash o' prejudice be lurkin' in the shadows, argh!
December 6, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, me hearties! Republican scallywags be gatherin' in Tuscaloosa on Wednesday, whilst the state's politics be takin' a grand stand on the national stage. Aye, 'tis a sight to behold!
December 6, 2023, 3:40 am
Arr! A scurvy dog, now caught in the brig, be blastin' his cannons at four spots in Austin on a Tuesday. And word be spreadin' that he's connectin' to a murder in San Antonio, me hearties!
December 5, 2023, 11:01 pm
Arrr! Vivek Ramaswamy and Chris Christie shall join us on th' stage, but most o' th' gawkin' eyes be focused on th' two scurvy Republicans who be best positioned t' take on that scallywag Donald Trump, aye!
December 5, 2023, 5:48 am
Arr, a mighty federal lawsuit be filed by Black and Latino voters in North Carolina, aye! They be challengin' the recently drawn congressional districts by them scurvy Republican state legislators. Avast, methinks it be a fight worth watchin'!
December 5, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! Trump's tongue be growin' blacker, fiercer, and more fearsome as he sails on his third voyage to the White House! Methinks his words be like cannonballs, ready to blast his rivals to Davy Jones' locker!
December 5, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! In a global test fer 15-year-old lads 'n lasses, only a measly bunch o' places, like Singapore, Japan, 'n Australia, managed t' keep their math game strong durin' these troubled times. Blimey!
December 5, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, mateys! Them foreign landlubbers who toiled for nigh on decades on American farmin' grounds be findin' themselves at the sunset of their swashbucklin' days. Yet, this fair land be denyin' 'em the comforts o' Medicare and Social Security. Shiver me timbers!
December 5, 2023, 3:18 am
Avast ye! 'Tis be told that a scallywag did shoot a flare gun, not once, not twice, but a good 30 to 40 times from his own ship. What's more, he had the audacity to fire his weapon during a fierce standoff! Aye, these land lubbers be quite the troublemakers!
December 3, 2023, 8:50 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis a tale to be told of a bony treasure, discovered on a ranch in South Dakota back in 1990. The scallywags who found it sold it for a mighty sum of $8 million doubloons! But alas, this skeleton has faced many a legal storm since then, aye!
December 3, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis Christmas in 2023 and across thar vast oceans and me homeland, scallywags be feelin' a void in their souls. They be lackin' hope, ye see. But fear not, me mateys, fer I've got a lesson that can bring it back! Yo ho ho!
December 3, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast ye scallywags! A mighty verdict from the Supreme Court might just spell doom fer a clever tactic o' settlin' multitudinous harmin' in bankrupt's court. 'Tis a strategy where outfits are granted vast legal shields. Shiver me timbers!
December 3, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr! Yarrr, me hearties! The land o' Mississippi be known for boastin' high rates o' childhood immunization. But alas, a scurvy federal judge has set sail and ordered the state to grant parents the right to opt out on religious grounds. Shiver me timbers!
December 3, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me mateys! Liberal-leaning scallywags be abandonin' their tenured booty. And 'tis no easy task to find new scholars to join our fine crew.
December 2, 2023, 9:07 pm
Arrr! The ousting of the new captain brings yet more doubt to the coffers of the well-spoiled crew, who've played a vital part in the Florida governor's quest to seize the Republican prize. Avast ye, 'tis a troubled voyage ahead!
December 2, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arrr, them scurvy officials reckon that the rapscallion be havin' slain a fourth landlubber in San Dimas, Calif., after tailin' the poor soul to his abode. These gruesome affairs took place in a mere four days, as declared by the mighty authorities.
December 2, 2023, 5:08 pm
Arrr! France's very own Admiral of the Interior, Gérald Darmanin, be spoutin' tales of a scurvy dog who be attackin' innocent souls near the Quai de Grenelle, not far from the mighty Eiffel Tower. One poor soul be lost to the sea, while another be grievously wounded, aye!
December 2, 2023, 4:33 pm
Arr! The cap'n o' the mightiest freebooter crew aidin' Florida's own Gov. Ron DeSantis' bid fer presidency has walked the plank, markin' the second grand exit in a fortnight!
December 2, 2023, 4:22 pm
Aye, me hearties! Me ol' matey George Santos, a former Rep. from the land o' N.Y., be swearin' on his pirate's honor to be filin' a bunch o' ethics grievances against his scurvy former mates next week! They be accused o' swashbucklin' ethics violations! Arr!
December 2, 2023, 12:47 pm
Arrr, ye ol' congressman, aye he be a scurvy dog indeed! His removal be a tale of treachery, showin' the flaws in a system that trusts these scallywags to honestly declare their riches. Aye, we be needin' stricter rules, or else we'll be swimmin' with the sharks!
December 2, 2023, 11:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! The United States be swearin' to constructin' no new coal-spewin' vessels and scuttlin' the existin' ones, as part of their grand scheme to vanquish climate troubles. Yo ho ho, climate change be walkin' the plank!
December 2, 2023, 11:30 am
Arr, me hearties! The HBO scallywag Bill Maher be givin' a right ol' tongue-lashin' to that tech swashbuckler Elon Musk, for his blimey post 'bout them critics o' his bein' called antisemitic. It be causin' quite a ruckus fer the owner o' X!
December 2, 2023, 9:28 am
Arrr! Fer many a moon, them foreign critters be plunderin' the scarce land o' Catalina. But the scheme be drivin' the locals and beastly enthusiasts to a state o' rage, says I!
December 2, 2023, 9:20 am
Arr! The mighty Supreme Court wench be caught betwixt the treacherous seas of professional glory and the call of her kin, ye see! Aye, she be havin' quite the stormy voyage, navigatin' those clashing tides till her final days, arr!
December 2, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr! The Paraguayan scallywags be shootin' a high-ranking matey for signin' a pact with a make-believe land birthed by a Hindu cult rogue. This scurvy dog, havin' escaped India, faced young'uns snatching accusations, holdin' 'em captive in his temple, 'n even bein' accused o' ravishin' one of his own followers!
December 2, 2023, 4:38 am
Arr! The sorrowful salt be suin' the landlubber parents o' the foul four teen scoundrels who be bringin' an early end to his lady's life in a treacherous carjackin'! Aye, he seeks justice from the sea dogs responsible!
December 2, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr! The mighty Supreme Court wench, who met her fate at 93 on a dread-filled Friday, be makin' some influential decrees and inspirin' fair maidens across all the seven seas, while establishin' her grand legacy.
December 2, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! The scurvy dog, the California Republican, be still mighty vexed at his ill-fated removal from power. Methinks he be havin' a rough time adjustin' to his new circumstances. His shipmates reckon he be retirin' soon, but the old sea dog be takin' his sweet time mullin' over his fate.
December 2, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! Fer decades, these scurvy nonnative critters be pillagin' the sacred grounds o' Catalina! But the proposed fix be stirrin' up a hornet's nest o' angry locals 'n animal hearties, aye!
December 1, 2023, 10:57 pm
Avast ye scallywags! This here Republican-led House, filled with more chaos than a stormy sea, managed to rid itself of a scurvy knave who couldn't tell truth from fiction. But alas, this expulsion be makin' it tougher than a barnacle-covered plank for the G.O.P. to take command!
December 1, 2023, 5:54 am
Arr, ye scurvy landlubber from Indiana be accused o' murder, obstructin' justice an' spreadin' false tales 'bout the vanishin' o' young Valerie Tindall, who be his neighbor an' lackey.
December 1, 2023, 5:49 am
Arrr, me hearties of Congress be summonin' the U.S. Justice Department to delve into a cyberattack on a water utility in Pennsylvania. Methinks the scurvy dogs responsible be a bunch o' rapscallions from Iran. Avast ye hackers!
December 1, 2023, 5:47 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Philippine coast guard be settin' up a grand new surveillance base on Thitu Island in the South China Sea! They be keepin' a close eye on China's rowdy ways in them disputed waters. Arrr, tis gonna be a sight to behold!
December 1, 2023, 5:45 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The landlubbers from Israel's military be claimin' they've charted a treasure map, showin' the path to safety in the cursed land o' Gaza Strip! So if ye be ordered to flee from the fightin', fear not, for this map shall lead ye to safe havens!
December 1, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Abdullah Hammoud, the mayor of Dearborn, Mich., claims we be feelin' every jolly happening in this here Israel-Hamas war. Arr!
December 1, 2023, 1:21 am
In his garrulous days sailin' the treacherous seas o' politics, the old salt advised a bunch o' scurvy presidents. Hear ye, me hearties, from their own gab, aye, these be their very thoughts from bygone years.
November 30, 2023, 11:06 pm
Arrr, 'tis Christian Ziegler, the scallywag G.O.P. captain, bein' investigated for a foul act o' sexual battery! The Democrats be cryin' out for his walkin' the plank, they be!
November 30, 2023, 5:55 pm
Yarr! This hearty landlubber toiled for the passing o' grand public health laws, aye! Notably, he aided in obtainin' a shipload o' gold from the federal coffers fer research on the mysterious demise of wee ones.
November 30, 2023, 5:48 pm
Avast! Them Florida lads be capturing a landlubber, a substitute teacher at that! It be claimin' he sent bawdy videos to two lasses of the high school, and even had the audacity to ask one to be his bonny lass. Walk the plank, he shall!
November 30, 2023, 5:47 pm
Avast ye! The scurvy dog known as a gang member and felon be accused by the San Bernardino County District Attorney's Office of a fearsome crime: the foul act o' murder! 'Tis said this scallywag went on a rampage, slayin' three souls, all while bein' on probation.
November 30, 2023, 5:19 pm
Afore the dispute 'bout his possible banishment from Congress, George Santos appeared to embrace his prominent part in a scandal o' his own contriving. Arr!
November 30, 2023, 4:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Me fellow pirate, Mr. Paul, be gettin' himself a pat on the back for his quick actions in savin' fair maiden Ms. Ernst! With great speed and skill, he performed the Heimlich maneuver to rescue her from the clutches of death!
November 30, 2023, 4:41 pm
Yarrr, this bloke roamed the seven seas long after his mates had met Davy Jones. The grand cities o' the world still welcomed him with open arms. And he be the finest swashbuckler in all o' Davos!
November 30, 2023, 11:57 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs from the press and a lusty wench be all up in arms, cursin' the ol' landlubber Henry Kissinger after he kicked the bucket. Har, what a hullabaloo!
November 30, 2023, 11:52 am
Arr, it seems that Cap'n Biden be abandonin' his "Bidenomics" in his grand speeches on the economy! Them Democratic strategists be soundin' the alarm, claimin' his words be failin' to charm the voters. Avast, me hearties!
November 30, 2023, 11:48 am
Arrr! Avast ye! Thar be a mighty blast 'n inferno in St. Paul, Minnesota! As per Cap'n Mark Juelfs o' t' Fire Department, a poor soul met Davy Jones' locker. 'Twas a Thursday mornin' when this misfortune struck!
November 30, 2023, 11:47 am
Arrr, a dire mishap befell th' Maine Turnpike, mateys! A scallywag be drivin' like a fool, sailin' southbound on th' northbound lane, when he be crashin' into two ships o' th' road, takin' three souls to Davy Jones' locker.
November 30, 2023, 11:39 am
Arr, Steven Sadow be playin' a dangerous game, keepin' quiet 'bout his client's misdeeds. The lads be growin' restless, wonderin' if his muteness be comin' to an end. Dramatic tension be buildin', me hearties!
November 30, 2023, 11:36 am
Parlaying with Henry Kissinger be akin to haggling o'er cannon provisions: Ladened with intricacy, subtlety, evasion, and proclamations ye had to verify. Yet, it be pure and captivating, by Davy Jones! Arr!
November 30, 2023, 10:53 am
Arr! His mighty deeds o' bringin' peace betwixt Israel and Egypt, them scurvy dogs from Gaza's shores, be havin' a lastin' impact on the land fer many a decade!
November 30, 2023, 5:43 am
Avast ye hearties! Set yer eyes on the tale of No-Shave November! From its humble birth in 2009, it now be a grand campaign with a heartwarming purpose. Let's raise a mug o' grog to this hairy adventure, for it be a journey worth sailin'!
November 30, 2023, 5:36 am
Arr, me hearties! Oklahoma be fixin' to send Phillip Hancock, 59, to Davy Jones' locker for a double murder in the year 2001. But that scallywag claims he be defendin' his own hide when he sent Robert Jett Jr. and James Lynch to Davy Jones' locker first!
November 30, 2023, 5:16 am
Yarr! Me hearties be lovin' the mighty moose, named Rutt, and be trackin' his every step on the Book of Faces!
November 30, 2023, 4:21 am
Arrr, this very summer, the most skilled back-channel diplomat ventured back to Beijing, where he had bargained like a scurvy sea dog to open the gates to the forbidden shores of China.
November 30, 2023, 4:04 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The scurvy dogs did storm into humble abodes under moon's cloak, pressin' souls to the ground as they belabored and throttled 'em, so say the gossips. For many a year, the signs o' this savagery be overlooked, aye!
November 30, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast ye scallywags! A sorry bunch o' progressive landlubbers be mighty miffed at that Vermont scallywag, a true symbol of their rabble, for not raisin' a hue and cry for a halt to the cannons in Gaza.
November 29, 2023, 11:54 am
Avast ye scallywags! The leader of the pack and the mighty Jewish official be warning ye young scurvy dogs 'bout embracin' bigotry whilst hollerin' fer social justice! Be wary, me hearties, lest ye be caught in a whirlpool o' foolishness!
November 29, 2023, 11:29 am
Arrr, me hearties! This freshly formed gang be settin' sail for New Hampshire, where the scurvy independent voters hold the key to our success in the Republican presidential battle. Avast ye, mateys, for we be embarkin' on a jolly adventure on these treacherous political seas!
November 29, 2023, 10:43 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Give me your gold and jewels, or I'll make ye walk the plank! Arrr, ye better hand 'em over quick, or ye'll be swimmin' with the fishes, ye landlubbers!
November 29, 2023, 10:26 am
Arrrr! In the third and last reckonin' o'er Mr. McClain's demise in 2019, we be explorin' the part o' them medics who tended to th' lad whilst he be held captive by the scurvy police. Yo ho ho, aye, a black soul be they concern!
November 29, 2023, 5:50 am
Arr, me hearties! State Representative Craig Williams, a gallant Republican spearheadin' the mission to keelhaul Philadelphia's district attorney, be proclaimin' his quest for the position of Pennsylvania's attorney general. Avast, buckle up for some swashbucklin' legal battles ahead, me mateys!
November 29, 2023, 5:41 am
Arrr! In the year o' 2018, the landlubbers known as the Chinese Communist Party set sail on a voyage o' "Sinicization". They penned parchments to ensure their loyal scallywags stayed true 'n beholden to the land they plundered.
November 29, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr! The infamous lass Nella Rose, she did confront that scurvy dog Nigel Farage on his ramblings 'bout immigration, whilst they be on the treacherous seas of the reality show "I be a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here!" Ahoy, what a spectacle it was!
November 29, 2023, 5:03 am
Arr, fer six days, ye scallywags from all sides of the deck and other landlubbers from Kansas didst vent their distaste fer what beest supposed to be the state's fresh license plate. Methinks the design be cursed by Davy Jones himself!
November 29, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, Avast ye! 'Tis a merry day indeed, for Hamas hath set free a dozen more prisoners! And, in other news, the real price o' avocados be revealed! But beware, me hearties, for Google be plannin' to purge accounts!
November 29, 2023, 4:05 am
Arr, she be a fine lady who, like Eleanor Roosevelt, sailed the treacherous seas of politics with great fervor. But alas, her voyage began and concluded many a league away from any grand interstate or a solitary stoplight.
November 29, 2023, 4:04 am
Arrr! The scallywags be flockin' to see 'er, and the lubbers be takin' a likin' to 'er cause, but alas, Nikki Haley still faces a mighty challenge in bringin' down the fearsome front-runner, Donald Trump.
November 28, 2023, 5:54 pm
Avast ye mateys! Blimey, Paul Whelan, a former landlubber of the Marines, be locked away in a Russian brig for bein' a spy. Arrr, his poor soul just got a taste o' trouble, as he be bitterly attacked by a scurvy inmate in the labor camp. Ahoy, it be a sorry tale!
November 28, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Mateys who get the flu vaccine be findin' themselves with a heart o' gold! Them clever landlubbers discovered that them who be vaccinated had a lesser chance o' bein' struck down by a heart attack or fallin' prey to the cursed cardiovascular disease, arrr!
November 28, 2023, 4:09 pm
Arrr, the quarrel o'er a scoundrel's likeness be speakin' o' states' fears o' self-pictures o' vote papers an' swabs, showin' their choice fer all to see!
November 28, 2023, 4:08 pm
By her wise book-learning and tutelage, she be makin' it fair for lasses caught in stormy seas o' cruel matrimony to lay claim to self-defense when wieldin' their swords in battle.
November 28, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye scallywags! The kin of Matthew Perry be pleadin' ye to donate to The Matthew Perry Foundation on this fine Giving Tuesday. Many a query bein' asked 'bout the poor soul's untimely demise, but fear not, fer yer gold shall aid the cause!
November 28, 2023, 11:30 am
Avast, me hearties! Selma Blair be tattlin' that her sufferin' as a wee lass be belittled by her scallywag mates and learned landlubbers. Arr, ye won't believe it, but one scurvy dog o' a provider even told her to find a mate to cure her woes! Yo-ho-ho!
November 28, 2023, 11:28 am
Arrr! Avast ye! A scurvy California Democrat be plannin' to introduce a noble resolution to send that dishonorable Rep. George Santos, a landlubber from N.Y., packin'! Aye, the ethics report be cursin' 'im, so off he goes, walkin' the plank!
November 28, 2023, 11:28 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ye be hearin' o' an uncommon meetin' betwixt a Republican scallywag seekin' presidential glory and a fancy Democrat governor who's been supportin' ol' Biden. The whole shebang bein' watched o'er by none other than Sean Hannity, arrr!
November 28, 2023, 11:17 am
Arrr, mates! Be it known that the wee ones be fallin' ill with the lung fever in the Netherlands and China, as reported by the health agencies. Here be what we've gathered 'bout this puzzlin' surge in breath stealin' infections.
November 28, 2023, 11:17 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Governor Gavin Newsom of California be set to engage in a second round of fisticuffs with Sean Hannity afore battlin' the likes of Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida. The treasure be grand for these scallywags, mark me words!
November 28, 2023, 10:24 am
Arr, the swashbucklin' Republican captain o' the Oversight Committee swiftly dismissed the offer, claimin' the president's scallywag son must first spill the beans in a secret parley.
November 28, 2023, 5:53 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the Georgia Senate Republicans be proposin' a redistrictin' plan to make two Black-majority districts. 'Tis a response to a court decree concernin' votin' rights violations. Sink me, but it be an interestin' turn of events on the political high seas!
November 28, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr, Elon Musk's venture to Israel be met with loud disapproval from the scribblers of that land, for the scurvy dog hath been accused of heinous acts of antisemitism in recent times, yarrr!
November 28, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr! Sen. Mike Lee, ye ol' sea dog from Utah, be pickin' a side in th' fierce Ohio GOP Senate brawl! He be backin' Bernie Moreno, fer this skirmish be holdin' th' key to whether th' Republicans can reclaim th' treasure trove o' th' Senate majority, me hearties!
November 28, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast, me hearties! Aforetime Cap'n Jimmy Carter be leavin' his hospice berth to join a crew o' mighty politicos, honorin' the late Mrs. Carter. She be settlin' in Davy Jones' locker at 96, restin' in her home in Plains, Ga. Yo ho ho, a sad day indeed!
November 28, 2023, 4:02 am
Yonder American scallywags be warnin' the mateys from Israel that their grand bombardment may cause such a ruckus, 'twill set off a monstrous humanitarian calamity, leavin' the whole world in a tizzy with nary a hope to reckon it. Argh!
November 28, 2023, 4:00 am
"Ahoy mateys! One landlubber at the U.S. border be cryin' for protection, yet the legal system for sea dogs and refugees could never fathom the vast horde of scallywags displaced by the infernal global warming!"
November 27, 2023, 11:53 am
Arr! Thanks to the cap'n's signature law, the makin' o' solar energy be flourishin' in Georgia, a vital state in the 2024 vote. But now, the industry fears it be growin' too swiftly, me hearties!
November 27, 2023, 11:19 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis with a heavy heart I be tellin' ye that Jason J. Eaton, a landlubber of 48 years, hath been caught red-handed, shootin' three young scholars of Palestinian lineage. The scallywag did this dastardly deed outside the very walls of his own dwellin', as claimed by the local constabulary. Arrr, what a treacherous soul!
November 27, 2023, 10:36 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs from American spy agencies be warnin' us about the treacherous Emirati firm G42 and its dealings with those mighty Chinese companies that be raisin' the hackles of U.S. officials! Aye, they be seein' these mateys as threats to security, they do!
November 27, 2023, 5:55 am
Avast ye mateys! Gather ye tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news, sent straight to yer inbox at daybreak. Set sail on the sea of knowledge, arrr!
November 27, 2023, 5:51 am
Arrr! South Korea claims that North Korea be fixin' t' rebuild guard posts near th' border whilst shufflin' their military booty 'pon the launch of a spy satellite.
November 27, 2023, 5:00 am
From Tim McGraw and Faith Hill to Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood, me hearties! These country music couples be showin' us landlubbers the secrets to a jolly and long-lasting union, ye scurvy dogs!
November 27, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! The rival scallywags of the former captain be runnin' out o' time to utter a single word in Iowa's caucuses. If they fail, the crew reckon the Republicans' grand contest might not be much of a contest at all! Aye, the tides be turnin'!
November 26, 2023, 8:08 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of Portland be havin' a right proper challenge with the lack o' presence in their learnin' halls since the blasted pandemic be settin' sail. Aye, tis a mighty task indeed, but fear not, for the winds of education shall blow yer way again soon, me hearties!
November 26, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arrr, as per the officials, "El Mago," a scallywag peddler o' drugs linked to the notorious cartel captain "El Chapo," met his fate with a bullet in Los Angeles, matey!
November 26, 2023, 5:24 pm
Avast, me mateys! Elle Macpherson, a lass of 59 winters, be drownin' herself in grog 'afore she found the path o' sobriety in '03. Come September, she be rejoicin' the milestone o' 20 years free o' the devil's drink. Yo ho ho, that be a tale worth cheerin'!
November 26, 2023, 4:55 pm
Arrr, thar be three scurvy college landlubbers makin' their way to sup on Saturday night. The lawmen be scratchin' their heads, for they've yet to lay eyes on the scoundrel behind it all.
November 26, 2023, 1:29 pm
Beware, mateys! The dreaded winter storm be upon us! Michigan be under the watchful eye of storm warnings, whilst the Midwest and the bountiful Great Lakes region be advisin' sailors to prepare for treacherous weather!
November 26, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! A pair o' landlubbers from the U.S. Congress did grace Fox News Sunday, aye, to wag their tongues 'bout the Biden crew's dealings with that scurvy Iran. But alas, their words be like two ships passin' in the fog, sailin' in opposite directions! Yo ho ho!
November 26, 2023, 11:41 am
Avast ye scallywags! In the midst of a truce betwixt Israel and the dastardly pirate crew Hamas, a bunch o' no-good swashbucklers and scurvy dogs be set free. These scoundrels be causin' more trouble, mark me words, and bringin' forth a storm o' piracy!
November 26, 2023, 11:33 am
Arr! Me hearty Rep. Ronny Jackson be spillin' the beans, claimin' that ol' Biden be not fit fer another voyage! He be sayin' his sharpness be fadin' away faster than a mermaid in troubled waters.
November 26, 2023, 10:35 am
Avast ye, me hearties! More than three score of these landlubber incumbents be settin' sail from Congress, aye! Some be chasin' the winds of other offices, while others be walkin' the plank and abandonin' ship altogether, arr!
November 26, 2023, 8:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Nadia Mohamed, a lass o' 27 summers, be claimin' her victory as mayor-elect of St. Louis Park, Minn., bein' naught but the openin' verse of her grand tale! Avast ye, for she be settin' sail on the high seas o' leadership!
November 26, 2023, 5:45 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Ye must know that communication be more than a mere skill, 'tis the very wind that shapes our relationships, career paths, and personal growth. Now, let us embark on a voyage to uncover eight ways to better yer communication skills, ye scurvy dogs!
November 26, 2023, 5:08 am
Arr, me hearties! In the days of olde, area codes be set up to let ye scallywags place phone calls sans the need for meddling operators. But lo, nowadays, they be not as vital as they once were. Aye, times be changin', me mateys!
November 26, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! The battle fer control o' Congress might be swayed by the scallywags retirin' or cravin' higher positions. Aye, many a matey be jumpin' ship!
November 26, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, ye scurvy knaves at the Pentagon reckon that these shoulder-fired rockets be puttin' our brave buccaneers in harm's way, for the blast waves be exceedin' the safety limits. Yet, it seems they be still usin' 'em like there be no tomorrow! Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
November 26, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! This here lass be embarkin' on a grand adventure, testin' the very mettle of her political savvy. Many a strategist and scallywag do claim she possesses a gift for shapin' her words to suit the occasion. Let the game begin!
November 26, 2023, 2:02 am
Arr, me hearties! Ye be knowin' that the settlin' o' Jonathan Braun, a scurvy drug smuggler, be havin' bigger reckonin' than we thought. 'Tis makin' us wonder how Donald Trump, if he be granted another term, would wield his clemency powers, aye!
November 25, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr! A mighty battle has commenced! A group o' disgruntled drivers be claimin' that the landlubber coppers and prosecutors be plunderin' their gold, sans proper conviction! Methinks they be seekin' justice for their rights!
November 25, 2023, 4:36 am
Avast! A lifeless scallywag be discovered in the hold of a jalopy, whilst the scurvy dog blamed for his demise be found with a self-inflicted pistol shot in the belly. 'Tis a tale of murder, mateys, in Citrus County, Florida!
November 25, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, a matey who be donnin' gold coins to Gov. Ron DeSantis be yearnin' to broaden the sailin' adventures in Key West, where the scallywags be keen on makin' 'em more restricted. Aye, the sea be a tempestuous mistress indeed!
November 25, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearty! In Peachtree Town, Ga., ye be seein' the likes o' golf carts aplenty, givin' ye young scallywags a chance to grasp life's wheel afore ye grow a proper beard.
November 24, 2023, 11:29 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis news be tellin' o' Mr. Chauvin, a landlubber and former officer o' the Minneapolis scallywags. He be found guilty o' the foul murder o' George Floyd in the year 2020. Now he be languishin' in a cell, awaitin' a punishment o' more than 20 years, aye!
November 24, 2023, 9:28 pm
Arr, me hearties! Be old Cap'n Phillips, a brave congressman from Minnesota, settin' sail fer a new crew o' leaders in Washington. Aye, he be takin' on his party's kingpin, the incumbent president, in a bold quest. A pirate's gamble, ye be reckonin'!
November 24, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The mighty captains of commerce be settin' their sights on Nikki Haley, knowin' full well she be a scrappy bilge rat. Aye, they be startin' to reckon she might have a shot at the treasure!
November 24, 2023, 12:23 am
Arr matey! His treacherous scribblings be a mighty thorn in the side o' liberal and conservative traditions fer many a decade! That scurvy dog's political journal be stirrin' up trouble with its rebellious ways!
November 23, 2023, 5:03 pm
Arrr! Thar be a new mayor, William Cogswell, who be claimin' that partisan politics be takin' a back seat to the "mutual love and respect" fer this fine South Carolina city. Avast! Let's hope 'tis true, me hearties!
November 23, 2023, 5:55 am
Stacy Usher, a landlubber of 39 summers, be accused of trespassin' upon her sworn oath, 'n twas caught on a fateful Tuesday, whilst tryin' to conceal herself from the lawmen within a lowly couch. Arrr, what a scallywag she be!
November 23, 2023, 5:50 am
Arr, me hearties! The fair lady LaToya Cantrell, the mayor of New Orleans, did speaketh of the ongoing investigations by the feds. They reckon she be takin' first-class flights, aye, but she denies the allegations. Methinks 'tis a storm brewin' indeed!
November 23, 2023, 5:00 am
Aye, mateys! Many a sprightly scallywag at the University of Michigan be sayin' they won't be supportin' Cap'n Biden in 2024, for the man's fondness for Israel be rubbin' 'em the wrong way. Arrr, the winds o' polly-tics be mighty fickle, arrr!
November 23, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, mateys! In the land of Maryland and Oregon, the scallywags be makin' new rules, while the Supreme Court be layin' down the law on the cannons. Aye, the seas be rough fer them gun regulations, arr!
November 23, 2023, 4:01 am
Aye, mateys! Apoorva Ramaswamy, a skilled surgeon and cancer investigator, be strivin' to keep the scurvy weekdays at the hospital at bay. Come the weekends, she be trudging the treacherous trails, luggin' her wee lads by her side. Arrr, that be quite the jolly adventure!
November 23, 2023, 4:01 am
Yarrr, me mateys! 'Tis a puzzlin' affair in the vast lands o' South 'n Midwest, as the clever scientists be seekin' to unravel the mystery behind the diminishin' numbers o' these fine feathered creatures, the wild turkeys. Avast!
November 22, 2023, 11:51 pm
Arr, President Biden and his scallywag aides be beggin' Israel to be takin' steps to lessen the scurvy dog Palestinian civilian deaths and be restorin' their services, savvy?
November 22, 2023, 8:00 am
Arr, mateys, behold! The grandest art treasury of the Bay Area be unveiled at San Francisco’s very own flagship art museum. Hundreds of masterpieces crafted by local scallywags will grace our eyes 'til the 7th o' January. Avast, me hearties, 'tis a sight ye cannot miss!
November 22, 2023, 5:54 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news delivered straight to your inbox at dawn. Aye, be the first to know, or be walkin' the plank, ye landlubber!
November 22, 2023, 5:03 am
Arr, me hearties! Fear not, for the winds be not powerful enough to keelhaul the grand parade balloons in New York City on Thursday, as per the forecasts. Let the festivities commence without worryin' about them sails droppin' down from the sky, ye scurvy dogs!
November 22, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye mateys! As the seas o' politics be roilin', folks be abandonin' ship like rats fleein' a sinkin' vessel. The scurvy dogs be spewin' venomous words and makin' dire proclamations, but the crew be jumpin' ship faster than a cannonball. Arrr, what a sight to behold!
November 22, 2023, 2:26 am
Arrr, muttly scallywags be struck by a curse! Dogs in at least seven lands be infected. Beware the signs: barking coughs, feverish shivers, laziness, and a sporadic disdain for grub.
November 21, 2023, 10:18 pm
Arr, as the tide be turnin', the Democrats be gettin' all muddled in their thoughts 'bout Mr. Biden's affection fer Israel. Aye, especially with the landlubbers dyin' in Gaza!
November 21, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, the whereabouts of o'er 250 scurvy rabbits, guinea pigs, and rats be a mystery, mateys! Three long months have passed since they were dispatched to a noble humane society in Arizona, but their destiny be shrouded in the fog o' uncertainty!
November 21, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, mateys! Be ye ready for a swashbucklin' tale? A tussle be brewin' 'pon the district maps, what be keepin' Republican scallywags in charge o' the Legislature! 'Tis happenin' on a Tuesday, 'fore the grand State Supreme Court, now boastin' a fresh 4-to-3 liberal majority. Yo ho ho!
November 21, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! These brave hearties be the hotshot fire crews, battlin' the fearsome flames o' the mighty wildfires in the land o' America's West. We sailed alongside 'em, sharin' in their perilous adventures!
November 21, 2023, 4:01 am
Worries be brewin' 'bout weapons what can slay without the touch of man. Methinks it ain't a tale of the newfangled kind! Arrr, be ye not surprised, me hearties!
November 19, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arr, me mateys! 'Tis a tale ye must hear! Sharon Osbourne be spillin' the beans 'bout her grand weight loss and how she be payin' a whole treasure to look allurin'. She also spoke 'bout tendin' to her ol' matey, Ozzy Osbourne, as he scuffles with a barrel o' health woes.
November 19, 2023, 5:19 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! A good 16 years afore Bill and Hillary Clinton be offerin' themselves as a bundle o' political mischief, she and Jimmy Carter sailed the treacherous seas o' governance as near co-presidents, pillagin' the nation together! Ahoy!
November 19, 2023, 5:15 pm
Yarrr, President Biden be hittin' the ripe age o' 81, but he be no scallywag lookin' fer a grand bash! Despite them Democrats tryin' to appease the landlubbers' worries 'bout his age fer the next election, ol' Biden be keepin' it low-key. Avast, me hearties!
November 19, 2023, 4:41 pm
Seldom be the day when the likes o' Uncle Sam's crew heavily rely on a single scallywag's contraptions, whose beliefs be openly loathed by all!
November 19, 2023, 11:49 am
Arr! Florida Governor Ron DeSantis hath declared that the former President Donald J. Trump be too limited in term and age to wield the presidential power effectively. Methinks, he be castin' doubloons on the mighty Captain Trump's abilities to rule the grand ship o' state!
November 19, 2023, 11:41 am
Avast ye scallywags! Arr, despite solid proof of dastardly deeds - the scurvy dogs of Hamas pillaging and plundering, ravishing fair Israeli maidens on the seventh day of October! Yet, critics claim that U.N. Women be turnin' a blind eye to these unfortunate lasses. Shiver me timbers!
November 19, 2023, 11:33 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Suzanne Shepard be no more, as Fox News Digital can confirm. Her trusty representative be sayin' she shuffled off this mortal coil on a fine Friday, in her humble abode in New York.
November 19, 2023, 11:20 am
Hark ye, me hearties! Sen. Chris Coons be overjoyed by tales of a possible parley betwixt Hamas and the release of 50 or more captives afore Thanksgiving. Yet, he be refusin' to entertain pleas for a truce. Avast, a feisty one we have here!
November 19, 2023, 9:15 am
Arrr! Yonder skirmishes, spread o'er three lands, be claimin' the lives of three fine wenches, yet one fair lass of thirteen winters. Aye, 'tis a tragic tale, forsooth! One young buccaneer, aged but fifteen, be left teeterin' on death's door, the scallywags say!
November 19, 2023, 8:39 am
Arr, mateys! Listen close, I be tellin' ye a tale. Casey McIntyre, bless her soul, hath rallied a mighty crew. A week hence, she set sail on a campaign, raisin' near $220,000 doubloons. The booty be settin' sail to rid us of a monstrous $20 million debt, so says the official. Yo ho ho!
November 19, 2023, 4:41 am
Avast ye, me hearties! News be spreadin' like wildfire 'bout a scurvy knave, accused o' carryin' out three shots in Memphis, Tennessee, on Saturday. Four souls were sent to Davy Jones' locker, while a fifth be wounded. But alas, the villain be found dead in his escape vessel on Sunday. Arrr!
November 19, 2023, 4:30 am
"Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis be a jolly tale known as "A Christmas Story," a film cherished by many a scurvy dog on this fair American holiday. Behold, let us cast our gaze upon the likes of Darren McGavin, Peter Billingsley, and Jean Shepherd, and see where they be sailin' their ships these days!"
November 19, 2023, 4:15 am
Deaths 'mongst ye scallywags fightin' youth cancer be on th' decline, as per data from th' Centers fer Disease Control and Prevention. Death rates plummeted by 24% betwixt 2001 and 2021. Yo ho ho, good news indeed!
November 19, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, the Florida governor be a-wheedlin' the white evangelicals by wieldin' Donald J. Trump's scallywag-like slurs 'gainst hard-line laws on the abortin'! Aye, 'tis a clever game of politics, me hearties!
November 19, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, Bettersten Wade be cryin' to the coppers for moons, beggin' for aid in findin' her lad. Yet nary a soul be tellin' her that a plunderin' officer, gallivantin' in his grand SUV, be havin' run him down on the very day she bid him farewell. Ahoy!
November 19, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, ye swashbuckling agents be rarely in a pickle fer takin' aim at folks or critters. The pair o' "blunderbuss bloopers" be a secret, matey!
November 19, 2023, 2:00 am
Arrr, in Pennsylvania and far beyond, be they usin' A.I. to mend the ol' infrastructure. But, be they reckonin' if that be a smart choice, mateys?
November 18, 2023, 5:15 pm
Avast me hearties! Aight, this year be plagued by a horde of cursed eye drops, with the FDA declaring a voluntary recall of 27 scurvy products. The cap'n of the American Optometric Association be sharin' pearls o' wisdom for ye landlubbers to keep yer peepers outta harm's way.
November 18, 2023, 5:09 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Thar be three scurvy knaves from Colombia who joined forces to bilk a poor old lass out of over $20,000 in a market's parking lot in Illinois, as declared by the authorities.
November 18, 2023, 3:02 pm
Arr, matey! The scallywag Republican leader be known for spewing racist bilge, yet some wise souls reckon that be chattin' 'bout his famous code could charm the likes o' Black voters and turn the tide in this election, aye!
November 18, 2023, 11:36 am
Avast ye scallywags! A French matey o' high rank be accused o' addin' a secret brew to a lassie lawmaker's cup in his abode in Paris. Arrr! His devious plan? 'Twas to commit a wicked plunder o' a sexual nature!
November 18, 2023, 11:15 am
Arr, Mayor Eric Adams be beseechin' ye wealthy scallywags of New York to lend a hand to the needy. The city be reel'n from budget reductions, thanks to the migrant calamity. Be a good matey and offer yer doubloons to aid the cause, lest ye be marooned!
November 18, 2023, 11:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! No lasses be steppin' forward, claimin' to be victims o' wicked deeds by the vile Hamas on Oct. 7. But fear not, for thar be tales o' fair maidens sufferin' gruesome crimes, an' the police are hot on the trail, seekin' justice fer these poor souls!
November 18, 2023, 10:29 am
Arrr, th' scurvy dog, Priest Michael Zacharias, be aidin' th' victims' drug habits, offerin' 'em shiny doubloons fer their wicked deeds o' passion, so say th' law dogs.
November 18, 2023, 7:54 am
In th' year o' 1960, aboard th' submersible Trieste, he and a learned gent ventured into th' mighty deep, divin' near seven leagues down t' th' ocean's darkest abyss. Argh, what a grand voyage it be, a tale told fer ages!
November 18, 2023, 5:27 am
Avast, me hearties! Tearing down the wanted signs, mutinies in the office, and vile messages o'er the web be but a few mishaps that our loyal mates, supportin' the land o' Israel, hath encountered in these treacherous times. Blimey, antisemitism be lurkin' at every corner!
November 18, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, matey! Ukrainian Cap'n Volodymyr Zelenskyy be sayin' that scurvy dog Vladimir Putin be aimin' to stir up trouble in the Balkans to divert attention from his own blunders in Ukraine. Aye, 'tis aye hard for a swashbucklin' pirate to keep up with these shenanigans!
November 18, 2023, 4:50 am
Fair Kate Beckinsale, in all her splendor, did honor the legendary tale of Leonardo DiCaprio's grandest flick, "Titanic," whilst merrymaking at the celebration of his forty-ninth year upon this Earthly realm! Arr, a sight to behold, indeed!
November 18, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! Yonder kin of the victims be leavin' stones and missives at a spot near the court where the foul scallywags accused o' conspire'n in the plot be awaitin' their trial. Mishaps be happenin' with a delay fit for a tortoise, mateys!
November 18, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! This year, ye bilge rats o' taxpayers coughed up at least $90 million doubloons to the scurvy dogs at thar nonprofit, all fer them A.P. tests that be makin' many lads and lasses walk the plank!
November 18, 2023, 2:02 am
Arr! The grand amusement for grown-ups be all hidden under a cloak of black canvas, lest ill-mannered landlubbers catch a glimpse of the thrilling races. This wretched change be nothin' but a never-endin' trouble, costin' a pretty penny to the good folks 'round these parts.
November 17, 2023, 10:00 pm
Avast ye mateys! The old governor from South Carolina, who be tryin' to walk the plank 'tween abortion views in the G.O.P. race, be showin' his support fer stricter limits on that thar procedure. Arrr!
November 17, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arrr, six other scurvy Colorado law dogs bein' accused o' not steppin' in when a matey called for help. 'Twas Christian Glass, bless his soul, who sought roadside aid and now be at Davy Jones' locker.
November 17, 2023, 5:42 pm
Arrr! 'Tis a jolly tale, me hearties! Lacey Chabert, a lass from "Mean Girls", and Scott Wolf, a fine matey, did sail the seas of "Party of Five" betwixt '94 and 2000. Now, they be reuniting for a Hallmark holiday flick, bringin' mirth and joy to all who lay eyes upon it!
November 17, 2023, 5:38 pm
Arrr! The lads and lasses of New Jersey's Board of Public Utilities be votin' on Friday to venture into the treacherous waters o' offshore wind infrastructure. Even though the mighty wind developer Orsted be turnin' tail, they be pushin' on. Aye, a brave bunch they be!
November 17, 2023, 5:01 pm
Arrr, the landlubbers be sayin' that the scallywag be sent to Davy Jones' locker and that the ruckus at the infirmary be all sorted and under control, ahoy!"
November 17, 2023, 4:52 pm
Arrr! In confessin' to pillagin' from me hearties, this scurvy dog, Mr. Murdaugh, did admit to plunderin' his clients' booty fer many a year, whilst wieldin' his power as a lawyer o' great repute in the remote lands o' South Carolina.
November 17, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog Charles Ross Jr. stands accused o' pillagin' a wee lass, nay older than nine summers, whom he did snatch from her trusty steed whilst ridin' through yonder park pathway. This knave be facin' a ninefold indictment, for rapin' the innocent damsel fair.
November 17, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, ye scurvy landlubber Michael Rapaport, aye be hearin' he be a jestin' 'bout votin' fer former President Trump in 2024. Methinks he be threatenin' to do so, lest President Biden fail to quell the foul beast of antisemitism. Har, har, har!
November 17, 2023, 11:44 am
Arrr, me mateys, word be spreadin' that Texas and Georgia be havin' a terrible bout with RSV, makin' the hospital emergency rooms overflow! The bigwigs in charge be scramblin', sendin' out more doses of the RSV shot for wee little buccaneers.
November 17, 2023, 11:34 am
Arrr! Fox News be hearin' that at the southern border, they be spyin' thousands o' Chinese scallywags and hundreds o' Afghan landlubbers since the start o' this fiscal year, mateys!
November 17, 2023, 10:10 am
Arrr, the mishap befall'n nigh Lake Michigan, a mere hour east o' Chicago. The ship's master 'n 'bout 10 landlubbers be in need o' healin' for their hurts, as the local brass be tellin' us.
November 17, 2023, 9:37 am
Arrr, whilst Lena Beseiso was a-visitin' her kinfolk, with her wee ones and grand spawn, by Davy Jones' locker, the blasted war be unfurlin'. They be toss'd into a desperate skirmish for their very lives, aye matey!
November 17, 2023, 8:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Sailors o' culture be sharin' their cherished treasure troves, be they museums or art havens, be they secret gems ye never knew! Hear their tales, and set sail fer splendiferous enlightenment!
November 17, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast ye mateys! On Thursday, CNN did be editin' a headline 'bout the nabbin' of a pro-Palestinian swashbuckler fer the demise of a Jewish landlubber named Paul Kessler. Arrr!
November 17, 2023, 5:20 am
Avast ye! Obtain all thar tales ye need-to-know from thar mightiest name in news, delivered straight to thy inbox at dawn.
November 17, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr! Columbia, Harvard, Princeton, and Yale be walkin' the plank, facin' accusations of bein' on the same ship as pro-Palestinian scallywags! But ye know what be even older than a sunken treasure? Their long, treacherous tales of antisemitism on their education shores!
November 17, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! By the powers, the scurvy baseball owners be givin' their blessin' to the Athletics' sailin' to Las Vegas. Aye, some reckon this be the end o' the humble sports fan, a matey o' the common folk.
November 17, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, the schools be settin' sail once more after the cursed pandemic, yet the young scallywags be lackin' their presence like a ship without a crew!
November 17, 2023, 12:48 am
Avast, ye scallywags! Methinks the fears of them California officials be naught but trepidation. The vital section o' Interstate 10 bein' repaired in a jiffy! Governor Gavin Newsom be shoutin' from the crow's nest, "Fear not me hearties! By Tuesday, the path shall be open fer all!"
November 17, 2023, 12:38 am
Avast ye scurvy scalliwags! The cursed bill be dodgin' trouble fer now, but the road to a grander accord on the plunderin' o' government loot be as hazy as a foggy morn at sea!
November 16, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arrrr, me hearties! Verily, Nikki Haley be seekin' a duel with the mighty Donald Trump in her own homeland. Ron DeSantis, too, be makin' a fuss, launchin' fierce broadsides at his competitor, all to secure the second spot, ye scallywags!
November 16, 2023, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Cap'n Eric Adams be makin' a grand announcement today, confessin' that the city of New York shall be makin' severe cuts to both our loyal fleet o' police and our fine institutions o' learnin'. Aye, 'tis all in a desperate attempt to tackle the costly conundrum o' migrants. Arrr, what a pickle we be in!
November 16, 2023, 5:36 pm
Arrr! Ms. Armstrong be fleein' the cursed United States and settin' sail fer Costa Rica, avast! She be accused o' the murder o' Ms. Wilson, a brave lassie peddlin' on wheels at a tender age o' 25!
November 16, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me mateys! On a fine Thursday, Shohei Ohtani, that swashbucklin' slugger, becometh the 33rd scallywag in baseball history to lay claim to multiple MVP Awards! Mark me words, he be settin' sail to shatter records this here offseason! Arrr!
November 16, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arr matey! Just received word from the Rover, a fine vessel, that "Kelce" be a most popular hound name in America, ye scurvy dogs! Seems that be 'cause o' that Kansas City Chiefs scallywag, and his lass, Taylor Swift! Avast, me hearties!
November 16, 2023, 5:22 pm
Arr, 'tis said, mateys, that the minstrel Buffy Sainte-Marie be a sly lass, claimin' she be an Indigenous soul. But alas, documents and scallywags talkin' from her bloodline reveal the truth, it be naught but a deceitful tale!
November 16, 2023, 5:16 pm
Arr, me hearties! Brett Hankison, a scurvy ex-pirate detective, be gettin' the black spot, fer he would 'ave been the second swashbucklin' Louisville officer to be convicted on federal charges for the fatal raid on Ms. Taylor's shipshape abode in the year 2020.
November 16, 2023, 11:54 am
Avast ye, me hearties! A newfangled moving picture doth reveal Alec Baldwin firin' a prop cannon on the set o' "Rust." Them fancy lawyers be ponderin' whether to give him another taste o' the plank fer the unfortunate demise o' Halyna Hutchins. Arrr!
November 16, 2023, 11:52 am
Arrr, the scallywags be claimin' that a bloke be accused o' involuntary manslaughter fer causin' the demise o' a 69-year-old matey who be supportin' Israel. Avast, it be happenin' in Thousand Oaks, so beware ye landlubbers!
November 16, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye scallywags! A former matey from the American Diabetes Association be takin' 'em to court! She claims she got the ol' heave-ho for speakin' out against their sneaky 'pay-to-play' game with Splenda, a sweeter than a treasure chest of doubloons! Arrr, what a scandal!
November 16, 2023, 11:40 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Jeremy Diaz, a wee lad of 6 from the land of Texas, befallen by a fearsome and random attack with a mighty baseball bat, has now met his tragic end after languishing in the depths of a hospital for over two moons.
November 16, 2023, 11:36 am
Arrr! A fine lass be overjoyed to have her feathery matey back in her clutches, after the scurvy customs scoundrels at Heathrow Port in London, England, be holdin' 'im captive fer many a moon 'cause o' some blasted papers. Avast!
November 16, 2023, 11:06 am
As the Congress be a-strugglin' to do the lowliest o' tasks, that be keepin' the government coffers full, methinks the House Republicans be employin' the grand federal spending bills t' castigate the Biden administration. Arrr!
November 16, 2023, 9:52 am
Arrr, the loss of a fair lass and the woes of another have left a gallant Kiwi tennis clan doubting their choices and their bond with the game they once adored.
November 16, 2023, 9:27 am
Arr, this here be a clear breach o' the accord, matey! Aye, just when we thought we could sail freely betwixt the shores of America and Israel without them pesky visas, they go and pull a fast one on us! Avast, ye scurvy scallywags!
November 16, 2023, 5:47 am
The scallywag known as U.S. Border Patrol Agent Freddy’s Ortiz, aged 44, met an untimely demise on a dark night. His trusty ATV met its match while he gallantly sailed towards reports of miscreants sneaking into Douglas, Arizona.
November 16, 2023, 4:58 am
Arrr, not much headway be made in Biden-Xi parley, matey, and the crew be mighty displeased with the pact betwixt G.M. and the swashbucklin' autoworkers’ union.
November 16, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! Me hearties, fear not! President Biden be not the first to sail through stormy waters of gloomy polling a year ere the Election Day. Aye, even Cap'n Jack Sparrow faced such trials afore! Keep yer spirits high, me mateys, for the adventure be yet to unfold!
November 16, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., he be a scallywag fightin' for causes that be earnin' him mighty admiration and scurvy criticism. But by the powers! He be pilferin' tens of millions o' doubloons along the way!
November 15, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties of both parties in Virginny's state Senate be choosin' seasoned scallywags to lead their factions in the comin' legislative voyage. Yo ho ho, let the grand plunderin' begin!
November 15, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy French constable, accused o' slayin' the young lad Nahel Merzouk, causin' riots all o'er the land, hath been set free from the brig as the investigation continues. Yo ho ho!
November 15, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog Ian McKeever, a carriage horse driver of 54 summers, be havin' been charged wit' misdemeanour animal cruelty in the fair city of Manhattan! The frail beast he be drivin' did collapse in August of the year 2022.
November 15, 2023, 5:31 pm
Arrr! With much ire, them scurvy dogs from the right be blockin' a spendin' bill, makin' the House flee like landlubbers on Thanksgiving, without finishin' their duty. Them bilge rats be causin' quite the ruckus!
November 15, 2023, 5:31 pm
Arrr, mateys! The latest scrawlings from the federal scrolls be tellin' us that this past school year o' 2020-2021 be showin' the mighty influence o' online learnin', the cursed challenge o' recruitin' capable teachers, and the terrible shortage o' wise counselors. Blimey!
November 15, 2023, 4:43 pm
Arrr! The Federal Aviation Administration, in their wisdom, summoned outside scurvy dogs to aid 'em after a slew o' near shipwrecks in the sky. They be cryin' out fer more air traffic controllers and a sprucin' up o' their decrepit tech!
November 15, 2023, 2:56 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Beware, for the landlubbers in the fair Miami metro may face a mighty deluge from the heavens, as excessive rains be threatenin' to give 'em a drenchin' on Wednesday and Thursday. 'Tis like to cause flash floods, so batten down the hatches!
November 15, 2023, 11:46 am
Arr, 'twas Daniel Williams, a scurvy dog from Alabama's brig, who be havin' two young'uns. Afore that prison gang gave 'im a good wallop, he didst posteth an eerie message on yon Facebook, arrr!
November 15, 2023, 11:33 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog Jon Lovitz be cursin' that HBO lubber John Oliver for waggin' his tongue 'gainst the good ol' United States' backin' o' Israel's plunderin' in Gaza. Methinks Lovitz be needin' a taste o' the cat o' nine tails!
November 15, 2023, 11:25 am
Arrr, ye landlubbers! The Vatican's Dicastery for the Doctrine of Faith be sayin' that no Catholic scallywag be allowed to join them Freemasonic secret societies. They be callin' it a "grave sin," so mind yer ways, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
November 15, 2023, 11:21 am
Arr! The U.K. scallywags be swearin' to press on, shipshape and Bristol fashion, with their plans to send them bilge rats and landlubbers back to Rwanda, despite a broadside from the country's Supreme Court, mayhaps they be needin' a taste o' the plank!
November 15, 2023, 10:06 am
Arr, me hearties! Them landlubbers in Southern California be preparin' for lengthier voyages upon the roads, as a mighty inferno be shuttin' down a crucial stretch o' highway. But fear not, mateys, fer these scallywags don't be losin' their wits just yet!
November 15, 2023, 9:07 am
Arrr, the swashbucklin' lads o' Charlotte, N.C., police be investigatin' an incident! They claim this fair maiden be a scallywag, strikin' a fine officer 'n resistin' arrest. Avast ye, trouble brews on the horizon!
November 15, 2023, 5:39 am
Avast ye! Fetch yerself all the tales ye be needin'-to-know from the mightiest name in news, sent straight to yer inbox come morn's light.
November 15, 2023, 4:03 am
Methinks the scallywags be droppin' sly hints 'bout how the cap'ns shall steer their course to agreements on certain matters. Yet, the officers be keen on dampenin' any lofty hopes, lest ye be disappointed, ye landlubbers! Arrr!
November 15, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Governor Ron DeSantis o' Florida and Nikki Haley, a former governor from South Carolina, be locked in a fierce battle o' words! They be hurlin' false accusations 'bout dealings with Chinese companies, energy, an' refugees. Methinks they be needin' a taste o' grog to settle their squabbles!
November 15, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, where the mighty Mississippi River doth meet its final resting place, the fearsome duo of drought and climate change doth plague the poor souls in these forsaken lands. Aye, they be feeling abandoned by all, matey!
November 15, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Donald J. Trump and his scurvy band be plannin' another round o' presidency, settin' sails for a mighty grander agenda than e'er before. 'Tis a jolly fierce tale indeed!
November 14, 2023, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On Paris' Feb. 4 ballot, ye shall find a mighty "significant" increase in the parking fee fer them grand SUV ships! The left-leaning Mayor Anne Hidalgo be seekin' to crack down on them gas-powered vessels. Avast ye, SUV owners, yer wallets be takin' a mighty blow!
November 14, 2023, 5:31 pm
Arrr! Th' Catholic scallywags be gathered at th' annual fall rendezvous o' U.S. bishops in Baltimore, cryin' fer a grand call fer global tranquillity whilst settlin' their own quarrels within th' church.
November 14, 2023, 5:27 pm
Arr, UFC cap'n Dana White be cursin' that fancy exercise bike maker Peloton for retirin' their ads on a podcast all because o' the host's chat with that scallywag Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. What a bunch o' landlubbers!
November 14, 2023, 5:22 pm
Aye, he be a fine officer, a sharp diplomat, and a sneaky spy. That fine lad be leadin' inspections in East Germany, and later be watchin' over the destruction of them Soviet nuclear weapons. Arrr, what a swashbucklin' life he be havin'!
November 14, 2023, 4:50 pm
Arrr! 'Tis a mighty win for Cap'n Trump in 'is quest to be president once more. But beware! Troublesome waters lie ahead, with many a legal storm brewin' o'er his ship.
November 14, 2023, 4:48 pm
As the scurvy prosecutor, Fani T. Willis, be chattin' 'bout the case at a conference, her merry office be seekin' an urgent protective order, to halt any more leakin' of them blasted discovery materials, ye landlubber!
November 14, 2023, 11:54 am
"Arrr, mateys! House Freedom Caucus Chairman Scott Perry be sayin' that House Speaker Mike Johnson will have a mighty rough sail ahead, tryin' to win back the hearts of the GOP crew, after the votin' spree on Tuesday evenin'."
November 14, 2023, 11:53 am
Arr, me hearties! Be it true, Charlie Sheen and Chuck Lorre be joinin' forces once more for a grand new spectacle, a full dozen years after their terrible squabble. Sheen, that scallywag, was stripped o' his role upon "Two and a Half Men" in the year 2011.
November 14, 2023, 11:47 am
Avast ye mateys! Afore his grand encounter with the Chinese cap'n Xi Jinping, President Biden declares that triumph shall entail a return to the gallant days of U.S.-Sino camaraderie, sailing a smooth and steady course once more, aye!
November 14, 2023, 11:43 am
Avast ye! 'Tis a sad tale, me hearties! A mighty Canuck climber hath met his fate, trapped in a fearsome avalanche, as it cascaded down yon mountain at Peter Lougheed Provincial Park. The officials be tellin' the tale, aye.
November 14, 2023, 11:20 am
Arrr! A grand commotion betwixt a charter vessel, ferryin' young scholars from a lofty academy, and a mighty vessel of land, a tractor-trailer, unfolded just beyond Columbus, Ohio's shores on a sunlit morn, as proclaimed by the stout Ohio State Police.
November 14, 2023, 11:08 am
Avast ye! Word be spreadin' among the Democrats that they be willin' to lend their support to the Republican speaker's plan to extend the government's coffers. Come Tuesday's sun, a vote be takin' place, mark me words!
November 14, 2023, 5:53 am
Arr! A word from 36 states, aye, across the grand U.S. of A! A merry tale it tells, that lasses be graduatin' high school more than the lads. Many a reason be given for such a spectacle, me hearties!
November 14, 2023, 5:34 am
Arr, mateys! 'Twas a grand gathering of hundreds o' landlubbers, seekin' to end the Israel-Hamas skirmish. They be raisin' the Jolly Roger outside the Oakland Federal Building in California, all under the banner o' Jewish Voice for Peace. Aye, a noble cause indeed!
November 14, 2023, 5:32 am
Avast ye, mateys! Gird up yer loins and receive all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news, delivered to ye inbox at dawn's first light!
November 14, 2023, 4:04 am
Engaging in a swashbucklin' clash against a Louisiana abortion haven be a fine feather in th' cap o' a young lawyer possessin' conservative credentials. But, me hearties, 'twas but th' first step on this adventure-filled path!
November 14, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr! Speaker Mike Johnson, a scurvy Republican matey, be takin' to the seas of social media to declare that the likes of Donald J. Trump be lackin' in the qualities fit for a pirate captain. Aye, he be warnin' that the lad could be as vindictive as a salty sea dog!
November 13, 2023, 11:44 am
Arr, a seasoned federal judge from the land of Jersey, she be backin' her matey, but, in the year o' our Lord 2019, secret audio be exposin' her sharp tongue, lashin' her brother with cruel words, she did!
November 13, 2023, 11:30 am
Arrr, the three liberal justices o' the court be speakin' in disagreement, claimin' that the scurvy prisoner, Michael Johnson, ought to be given the chance to dispute the denyin' of fresh air for an extended period.
November 13, 2023, 11:11 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Behold, three scallywags be spied breakin' into an unmanned government ship in the land o' Georgetown, Washington, under the cloak of nightfall on the Sabbath. Arrr, mischievous landlubbers, they be!
November 13, 2023, 11:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The old matey ambassador be plannin' to launch her grand adverts in Iowa and New Hampshire, aimin' to outpace Governor Ron DeSantis in this wild race for the coveted second spot! Yo ho ho!
November 13, 2023, 5:48 am
Gather ye all the tales ye need-to-know from the most potent name in news, delivered straight to thy inbox at dawn, me hearties!
November 13, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast ye! Politico hath uncovered a treasure trove o' troubles within a voting rights crew led by the fair maiden Stacey Abrams. Methinks they be drownin' in gold and mismanagement, arrr!
November 13, 2023, 5:17 am
Avast ye! A riot be brewin' at a jail in Richland County, South Carolina. Forty scurvy dogs were locked away on Sunday night, but no harm befell any. Arr, the authorities be keepin' things shipshape!
November 13, 2023, 4:50 am
Arr, me hearties! Hear ye, hear ye! Tim Scott be swabbin' the deck and suspending his quest for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination. Aye, there be whispers of cognitive troubles on the horizon!
November 13, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fair-skinned mateys be shrinkin' in numbers, aye, even in the land o' Texas, even among them who be born 'ere. And ye see, all them scallywags movin' in? They be as likely to be Black, Hispanic or Asian. Ahoy!
November 13, 2023, 2:04 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Blimey airstrikes be makin' a grand entrance, scupperin' two places in eastern Syria. Arr, it be a sure bet that those scurvy Iran-backed rascals got a taste of the plank! The United States be blamin' 'em for all their troubles.
November 12, 2023, 9:46 pm
Avast, me hearties! This landlubber set sail on the Republican presidential voyage, armed wit' plenty o' doubloons, yet could not escape the crew o' Trump's challengers. He be a star ascendant, but lost in a sea o' rivals, arrr!
November 12, 2023, 7:59 am
Arrr, mateys! This here site be crafted fer the military, but lo and behold, the commercial sales be flourishin' like a pirate's treasure chest! And what be troublin' is that these rounds be findin' their way into the hands o' murderers, scallywags, and them antigovernment scoundrels, with no accountability to speak of!
November 12, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr, a wizened sea dog, a mechanic o' seven decades, hath taken to the wide seas o' YouTube in '07. Teachin' scallywags far 'n wide 'bout buyin' and fixin' those iron steeds, he now be swimmin' in doubloons aplenty! Avast, mateys!
November 12, 2023, 4:43 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis said that over 300 landlubber UCLA scholars have signed a parchment, demandin' the university condemn these campus ruckuses supportin' the likes o' Hamas. Should these knaves be stirrin' up violence, they be callin' for swift retribution! Arrr, the seas be rough indeed!
November 12, 2023, 4:30 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis King Charles III, sire of Prince William and Prince Harry, who be takin' the crown o' Britain! The mighty Queen Elizabeth II hath embarked on her final journey on Sept. 8, at the ripe age o' 96.
November 12, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, the lass be Mike Johnson's missus, aye, and she be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst the rights to terminate, mind ye, and usin' her holy counselin' trade to castigate the coves who fancy their own kind. Aye, a barrel o' laughs, that one be!
November 12, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr! Amy Siewe be teachin' swashbucklers how to seek 'n scuttle them pesky, landlubber Burmese pythons, who be settlin' in Florida like barnacles on a ship's hull. They be as stubborn as a peg-legged matey, arrr!
November 11, 2023, 11:13 pm
Arr, says the cap'n o' the past, the ex-president be claimin' that the dangers from foreign lands be less worryin' than them pesky liberal scoundrels lurkin' within. He be proudly holdin' onto his belief that the election be nay but a mere falsehood, arr!
November 11, 2023, 7:57 pm
Arrr! The scurvy knaves be craftin' their deadly wares on the King's land! Aye, these devilish rounds be used in bloody rampages, causin' great havoc and despair upon the innocent souls.
November 11, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! A merry band o' scallywags collectin' signatures to protect the right to plunder unborn treasures reports a gold rush o' coin after the Ohio lootin'! Aye, the wind be in their sails, mates!
November 11, 2023, 4:01 am
Should he reclaim his dominion, Donald Trump be desirous to not just rekindle them immigration laws condemned as draconian during his reign, but to broaden and fortify them with greater gusto, arr!
November 11, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye, me hearties! 'Tis said that Arizona hath squandered a whole billion doubloons on addiction treatment, only to discover it be largely a nest of treacherous scoundrels aimin' to deceive. Many a Native American, yearnin' for aid, still battles the chains of their affliction unaided — aye, some even met their unfortunate ends whilst seekin' redemption in the abyss of rehab!
November 10, 2023, 5:27 am
Arrr! Me good mate, the Joint Chiefs chairman, be penning a missive to his Chinese counterpart, sayin’ tis mighty important we be mendin’ the lines o’ communication. Yarrr, avoidin’ misunderstandin’s be the key to a peaceful sail on these treacherous seas!
November 10, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the Democracy Alliance be settin' their sights on two mighty blue states! A grand sum o' $10 million be aimed at New York alone, hopin' to help them Democrats seize control o' the House. Avast, the battle be fierce!
November 10, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, the heart be heavy wit' sorrow, mateys! The August inferno hath ravaged our beloved township, leavin' many a foreigner who've settled on these shores ponderin' whether they be forced to sail away!
November 9, 2023, 9:54 pm
Avast ye! 'Tis said that Anthony Farrer, aged 35 summers, had a treasure trove in Beverly Hills, where he sold luxury timepieces. But, with a clever twist, this scallywag used his customers' doubloons to live a life of grandeur fit for a pirate king!
November 9, 2023, 5:57 am
Avast ye, mateys! Drew Dixon, a landlubber who once sailed the treacherous waters o' music industry, hath set sail on a lawsuit against that scallywag L.A. Reid! She claims he did lay his hands upon her not once, but twice in the year 2001, and did purposely scuttle her career, arrr!
November 9, 2023, 5:52 am
Avast ye! Gather all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news, delivered straight to yer inbox each mornin'!
November 9, 2023, 5:33 am
Arr, mateys! On the day of Wednesday, Israel be venturing into the very heart of Gaza City, with the United Nations reckonin' that a swarm of 15,000 souls fled to southern Gaza the day afore. The good ol' ministry o' health, run by the likes o' Hamas, be claimin' that around 10,000 Gazans have been sent to Davy Jones' locker in this here battle. But, they be forgettin' to tell ye who be the rascally terrorists and who be the innocent landlubbers!
November 9, 2023, 4:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! A scurvy Republican debate be happenin', filled with tension, aye! And a most cautious accord be reached to put an end to the cursed Hollywood actors' strike, by Davy Jones' locker!
November 9, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a voyage, includin' a parley wit' the cap'n o' United Automobile Workers, where the president be havin' a chance to bolster crucial union backin'. Set sail, me mateys!
November 9, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye scurvy Republicans had high hopes in 2022, reckonin' the nation's dwellin' places would be returnin' to the G.O.P. Yet, 'cept for New York, them suburban lands swung back to the Democrats on a fine Tuesday, leavin' ye Republicans in a quagmire!
November 9, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! David DePape, a scallywag of 43 summers, be facin' charges o' attempted kidnappin' and assault on an immediate kin of a federal official fer his misdeeds in the grand 2022 attack upon Paul Pelosi. Ye be sailin' into treacherous waters, matey!
November 8, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! The election's tale be told, mateys! The winds be blowin' in the favor o' Democrats, independents, and even some moderate scallywag Republicans. Aye, they be joinin' forces, settlin' their differences fer the sake o' this here issue!
November 8, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast! Thar be news from the landlubbers! The Natural Resources Defense Council be givin' up on its ol' program o' promotin' nuclear safety and cleanup, for the bilge rats be more concerned 'bout the climate crisis. Blimey!
November 8, 2023, 2:32 am
Arrr, ye be hearin' the tale o' brave firefighters battlin' the infernal blazes in Virginia, North Carolina 'n other lands. They be fightin' tooth 'n nail to quell the fiery demons that be threatenin' the good folk!
November 8, 2023, 12:10 am
Avast ye! 'Twas no surprise, with the Republican scallywags holdin' the power in the state, but the victory didn't come as smooth as many had reckoned in the beginnin' of the race, me hearties!
November 7, 2023, 5:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs be fightin' for the governor's treasure come Tuesday, yarrr! 'Tis the grandest spectacle in all the land!
November 7, 2023, 5:51 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis the grand election, where ye scurvy dogs can vote fer the fine crew o' the State Legislature. The Republican scalawags be aimin' to pillage 'n plunder some major gains. Load yer cannons 'n cast yer ballots, lest ye be left on Davy Jones' Locker!
November 7, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, mateys! A Halloween spectacle at a den o' rocks 'n crystals in North Fort Myers be raisin' eyebrows. An ol' salt, claimin' to be a scholar o' human bones, be tellin' the authorities that them remains be resemblin' those of a Native American. Shiver me timbers!
November 7, 2023, 4:54 am
Arrr, in the year 2019, a mighty fire did consume the land near Santa Barbara, takin' the lives of all 33 souls aboard the dive boat. On this fine Monday, a jury o' the federal kind hath declared the captain guilty o' the dastardly crime known as "seaman's manslaughter."
November 6, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr! A scurvy 72-year-old city councilwench in Texas be claimin' she be a victim o' retaliation for exercisin' her sacred First Amendment rights. Methinks she be searchin' fer a misplaced parchment 'n jumpin' to conclusions, arrr!
November 6, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast ye scallywags! Reports from The New York Times and Siena College be revealin' that this scurvy dog be gainin' support in them swing states, all thanks to fears 'bout ol' President Biden's age. But mark me words, if this blaggard be found guilty, it might just change the tide for 2024.
November 6, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, the bringin' to justice of a Fourth o' July assault what sent seven souls to Davy Jones' locker in the year o' 2022 might just open up the floodgates o' legal ponderin' 'bout who be accountable fer such a bloodbath!
November 5, 2023, 5:30 am
Arrr, ye won't believe it, mateys! The AI-made "Seinfeld" jape hath been broadcastin' nonstop fer near a year, but alas! 'Tis begun to glitch and sail in a never-endin' circle. Yet fear not, the show hath returned, but with a sinister twist.
November 5, 2023, 4:30 am
Avast! Word be spreadin' that King Charles III be takin' away Prince Harry and fair Meghan Markle's guardin' crew on British shores, hopin' to lure 'em back to the royal embrace. Arrr, what a scandalous tale!
November 5, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! In these treacherous battleground lands, voters be choosin' Donald J. Trump o'er President Biden for the gold-filled economy, foreign adventures, and the invasion o' foreign hearts. Arrr, be it the signs o' Mr. Biden's multiracial crew be crumblin' too?
November 5, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, me mateys! 'Tis been a mighty long time since the wailing families be demandin' it, but fear not! The grand installation of $217 million worth o' steel netting be nigh on finished. Aye, a stout defense against the depths!
November 5, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr! The scurvy dog claimin' the title of Speaker o' the House be a Southern Baptist, a true matey who holds tight to his evangelical beliefs. He be fightin' against the likes o' abortion and gay rights, aye, a long history he be havin' to prove it!
November 5, 2023, 2:09 am
Arrr, mateys! The cannon fire from the mighty U.S. artillery be a fearsome force that shattered the Islamic State scallywags in Syria and Iraq. But, alas, it be takin' a toll on the brave souls manning the cannons. Gather 'round, me hearties, for this be the tale ye need to know!
November 4, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, the tale o' the "Beetlejuice" misadventure still be plaguin' the wayward congresswoman from Colorado. The land's seasoned crew be rallyin' 'round a challenger to take her on in the primaries, mark me words!
November 4, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! Hear ye, me hearties! The elections in Kentucky, Ohio, and Virginia be providin' a glimpse, aye, a sneak peek at how the scurvy issue of abortion be affectin' the political seascape in 2024. 'Tis a test for the strategies o' both parties, arrr!
November 4, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, ye be tellin' tales o' sturdy vows 'bout immigration from Nikki Haley and her scallywags fer thar Republican nomination, but these promises be facin' grand challenges o' logistics 'n law, mateys!
November 4, 2023, 2:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Ere the Nov. 18 vote be cast, them scallywag liberals be clamorin' fer th' state party t' face its inner quarrels an' meager booty!
November 3, 2023, 11:04 am
Arr matey! Me aim be to aid the economies of countries 'cross the seas, so they be mighty enough to brace fer the influx of scallywags fleein' poverty, political chaos, and cursed natural calamities.
November 3, 2023, 10:53 am
Arr, the Democrats be schemin' to bend the Senate's rules, tryin' to outwit that Alabama rogue. But even his own party be sayin' "Enough!" Patience be runnin' thin, me hearties!
November 3, 2023, 5:26 am
Arr, me hearties! Be ye prepared fer a grand Sandwich quiz! Test yer vast knowledge o' all things meat, cheese, an' condiment-related in this jolly lifestyle quiz 'bout various types o' sammies an' much more!
November 3, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! Afar years o' hand-wringin' 'bout their future, liberal arts departments now face the choppin' block. At peril: French, German, American studies an' women’s studies. Yo ho ho!
November 2, 2023, 11:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! A grand shortage of wee half-pint milk cartons be plaguin' schools in many a state, leavin' 'em scratchin' their noggins for an alternative way to quench their students' thirst. Methinks tis time to set sail on the sea of creativity, me hearties!
November 2, 2023, 11:28 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog Heather Pressdee, 41, hath admitted to plottin' the demise of 19 poor souls with foul insulin. She be already accused o' takin' the lives of two more landlubbers this very year.
November 2, 2023, 9:01 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs runnin' the Atmore News in Atmore, Ala., and a scallywag reporter be caught in the act, spreadin' grand jury secrets like a bunch o' blabbermouths! They be facin' charges, arrr, for their misdeeds in a cursed article published last month. Walk the plank, ye landlubbers!
November 2, 2023, 4:02 am
Verily, mateys! When it comes to mind matters, the treatment be lackin', the laws be feeble, and the fear of treadin' on personal freedoms be lettin' these scallywags go astray! Arrr, 'tis a challenge to stop these landlubber shootings, I tell ye!
November 2, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, the art of the ballot be a mighty weapon wielded by the abortion rights scallywags, even in the crimson lands. Yet, the treacherous tongue twisters and deceitful tales of misinformation be causin' concern amongst their rank and file.
November 2, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, matey! Cap'n Andy Beshear, the jolly ol' governor, be seekin' re-election! He be championin' fer the rights o' abortion, boostin' th' economy, an' mendin' th' roads. Aye, he be keepin' a safe distance from th' pesky president, to be sure!
November 2, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, the Florida governor hath had nary a victory in makin' his scurvy complaints 'bout the Trump crew's Covid-19 policies gain any traction. Yet, he be persistin' like a barnacle on a ship's hull.
November 1, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, the cap'n be fixin' to make ye landlubbers look at the domestic economy, whilst he be dealin' with foreign happenin's after them scurvy terrorist attacks in Israel.
November 1, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! After a whole month of swashbucklin' and squabblin', those landlubber Republican speakers finally be walkin' the plank! Now we be settin' sail again with a whole heap o' disciplinary measures to straighten this ship.
November 1, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, methinks them Democrat scallywags controlled thar elections fer th' esteemed position o' agriculture commissioner. Yet now, they be yearnin' t' triumph in but a single contest, ye scurvy dogs!
October 30, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye mateys! Thar be Donald Trump, a scallywag o' 77 summers, who be relentlessly assailin' President Biden, a landlubber of 80, as bein' too long in the tooth fer his office. Yet, the former pirate himself be sufferin' from a string o' blunders that be exceedin' his usual carefree style. Arrr!
October 29, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, the once second mate be makin' a grave mistake, bein' bound to that scallywag Trump in the 2016 voyage. Now, it seems he's lost his way to a future in politics, left stranded on a deserted political island, arr!
October 29, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, me hearties! Representative Summer Lee of Pennsylvania, who be a fine lass indeed, has now found herself amidst the mighty tempest of primary challengers, all while joining the call fer a cease-fire. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea she be sailin'!
October 29, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! 'Tis a plague, these wee bottles o' spirits they call "nips"! They be scatterin' like treasure 'cross gardens, parks, 'n playgrounds, makin' the Witch City cry "foul" 'n desire a ban. Methinks these scallywags be needin' a lesson in restraint!
October 29, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Yonder city be victorious in claimin' the honor to host the grand presidential center of Barack Obama. Yet, as the construction o' this marvel proceeds on the South Side, some fearful souls be worryin' bout the curse of high prices, me mateys!
October 28, 2023, 5:25 am
Arr, ye scallywags, we found th' carcass o' th' scurvy dog who be thinkin' he can take lives like it be a game! 'Twas his own pistol that sent him to Davy Jones' locker, late on a cursed Friday. 18 souls be avenged, and 13 be spared from his villainy!
October 28, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr! To fulfill the need, the U.S. be craftin' these here FrankenSAM contraptions, ye see? They be hitchin' fancy Western weapons to good ol' Soviet relics still lyin' about in Ukrainian stashes. Aye, it be a curious mix indeed!
October 28, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, Kevin McCarthy, the ol' blabbermouth, had a fine talent for gatherin' pieces o' eight fer his mates in the House. But alas, this new speaker, Mike Johnson, he lacks the same booty-boostin' charm. Methinks he needs to find some treasure, savvy?
October 28, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, 'tis been more than a year since a fearsome battle raged at Robb Elementary School. But fear not, me hearties! The crew be settin' sail on a new campus, ready to conquer the tides of education, arrr!
October 27, 2023, 5:45 pm
Arr, ye scallywags on the campus, betwixt the two shooting dens in Lewiston, Maine, be made prisoners in yer dorms whilst the powers that be chase the blaggard gunman!
October 27, 2023, 5:42 pm
Avast ye scalliwags! The landlubber governor o' Virginia, Glenn Youngkin, be admittin' that his administration has spotted near 3,400 blunders in scrapin' off voter names. Aye, these be wrongfully done due to scurvy probation misdeeds. Arrr!
October 27, 2023, 5:32 pm
Arr, me hearties! The Israel chap Mark Regev, a former ambassador, be tellin' FOX News that the scurvy dogs o' Hamas be gettin' a taste o' Israel's "might" for their dastardly attacks on innocent landlubbers. Arr, 'tis a salty lesson they be learnin'!
October 27, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arrr, in the merry month of June, the Secret Service be spyin' on a scoundrel who sneaked into Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.'s fine Los Angeles abode not once, but twice, mind ye! Aye, they reckon this rascal be a threat to the safety of the independent presidential candidate, arrr!
October 27, 2023, 5:11 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! 'Twas a night like any other in Lewiston, until a scallywag with a blunderbuss barged into a jolly ol' bowling alley and a tavern, sendin' 18 souls to Davy Jones' locker with his foul shots. 'Twas a gruesome sight, 'twas!
October 27, 2023, 11:47 am
Arr, matey! Avast ye scurvy dogs! The judge in New York hath decreed that fair Ivanka Trump shall face the plank o' truth as a witness in the civil case against her father, brethren, and their family establishment.
October 27, 2023, 11:44 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis be known that Dr. Phil, a wise soul, be settin' sail 'gainst the "intellectual rot" on Ivy League shores. Them universities be raisin' their sails, protestin' 'gainst Israel after the wicked Hamas terror attack. Argh, a message well sent, says me!
October 27, 2023, 11:33 am
Arrr! Them scallywags from the Israeli Defense Force be claimin' they got proof o' a grand command post o' them Hamas rascals, hidden away beneath the mighty hospital o' Gaza! Aye, 'tis a tale fit for the high seas, me hearties!
October 27, 2023, 11:12 am
Arrr! A scurvy dog on the lam may cunningly employ nature's shroud to dodge the pursuit fer a spell, but wise men reckon that modern contraptions and fickle time shall ultimately favor them bilge rats who seek.
October 27, 2023, 10:09 am
Arrr! A Minnesota legislator be takin' on a sittin' president, who be holdin' a treasure chest o' doubloons! Aye, 'tis a mighty challenge the landlubber faces, but methinks a good ol' pirate spirit be in 'is heart!
October 27, 2023, 8:00 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis a mighty grand plan, a $4 million ad sail with the motto "It All Starts Here" be settin' sail to mend the city's tattered reputation. Let's hope it be more treasure than trouble, aye?
October 27, 2023, 5:55 am
Arr, Governor Kim Reynolds be standin' tall and holdin' fast against them landlubber critics o' the law what be restrictin' improper tomes in our learnin' dens! At the press meetin', she be showin' no fear, ready t' defend her decision with all her might!
October 27, 2023, 5:51 am
Arr, mateys! Rear Admiral Daniel Hagari, the scallywag speakin' fer the Israeli Defense Forces, did share a jolly update 'bout our war with the scurvy dogs o' Hamas and our latest land adventure in Gaza on Friday.
October 27, 2023, 5:48 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale of woe! Two scallywags from Massachusetts be found, alas, slain like a couple o' landlubbers in the wilds o' Vermont. Jahim Solomon and Eric White, their bodies discovered by the coppers on a fateful Wednesday.
October 27, 2023, 4:04 am
Arr, me hearties! Kevin McCarthy be merely a scurvy dog, joinin' a long line o' Republican speakers facin' revolts! Be warnin', Speaker Mike Johnson, lest ye be walkin' the plank next! Yo ho ho!
October 27, 2023, 4:04 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A mighty quarrel be brewin' amongst ye fancy-pants liberals o' America! Aye, ye young buccaneers and colored folk be turnin' yer backs on the Cap'n, leavin' him ponderin' his fate in this treacherous year of 2024. Arrr, the winds of change be blowin'!
October 27, 2023, 4:04 am
Arrr! The Tree of Life crew be receivin' much love after a scurvy anti-Jewish attack. But with Israel fightin' battles, some be feelin' deserted like a stranded buccaneer.
October 27, 2023, 4:03 am
Be the celebrity professor a rogue buccaneer in the treacherous waters of the 2024 presidential race, or a jolly performer of the arts? Aye, he claims to be both, matey!
October 26, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, mateys! The scurvy dog, Governor Glenn Youngkin, be havin' a cunning plan to seize the state! If 'e be stoppin' them Democrats dead in their tracks, it might just be a treasure map fer the party in 2024.
October 26, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, there be some scallywags among the alumni, clamorin' for the cap'n to walk the plank! They be mighty peeved 'bout a fancy Palestinian conference, Penn's reaction to them Hamas attacks, and all that D.E.I. and transgender rights! Yo ho ho!
October 26, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! "True the Vote be challengin' the legality o' 250,000 scurvy Georgia voters, offerin' gold doubloons fer evidence o' fraud, n' recruitin' keen-eyed lookouts fer th' polls. A grand federal trial be awaitin' t' uncover th' truth behind this here tale!"
October 26, 2023, 3:59 am
Arrr! 'Twas a fine day indeed in Lewiston, Maine, when the first o' two shootings did occur. 'Twas at a grand ol' bowling alley, where ye could feast upon victuals fit for a pirate's belly!
October 25, 2023, 4:19 am
Arrr, me hearties! The pickin' of the ultraconservative and low-profile Louisianian be the cherry atop a wild day, givin' the scallywag Republicans hope of breakin' the weeks-long standstill that's got the House stuck like a landlubber in muck.
October 25, 2023, 4:04 am
Arr, ye scurvy House Republicans be turnin' on each other like a pack o' landlubber rats! They be settin' fire to yet another leader in the speaker's battle, only to pick their next matey soon after.
October 25, 2023, 4:04 am
Arr, me hearties! PEPFAR, crafted by Cap'n George W. Bush in the year o' 2003 t' fight against the wretched disease, be sailin' into treacherous waters. Its laws be expirin', leavin' it in a perilous state. Aye, a cloudy future lies ahead, mateys!
October 25, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, the Fulton County district attorney be a crafty lass! She be wieldin' her state's racketeering law to squeeze the scallywags below to spill the beans and push 'em against her main prize. Cunning she be, makin' 'em dance to her tune!
October 22, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy Detroit police chief be sayin' that his lily-livered investigators ain't found a lick o' proof suggestin' that the demise of the fine lass Samantha Woll, leader of the synagogue, be tied to the dread curse o' antisemitism. Aye, a mighty puzzlin' tale indeed!
October 22, 2023, 5:12 pm
Arr, after chattin' wit' voters in thar kee states, 'tis clear as the Caribbean waters that a fair number o' scallywags be dividin' their hearts betwixt supportin' Israel an' Ukraine. But when it comes t' the U.S. stickin' its nose in, thar minds be as foggy as a pirate's rum-addled brain!
October 22, 2023, 5:06 pm
Arrr, mateys! This here change be tweakin' the gold-filled seas of college football and other sports! With this shift, booster groups be recruitin' student-athletes and plunderin' the economics, all while earnin' themselves a tax break, yarrr!
October 22, 2023, 5:01 pm
Arrr, me hearty! The Operation Underground Railroad and Fight To End Exploitation doth disclose a dark secret of them scurvy traffickers. They be uploading vile, lascivious material upon porn sites, trickin' bilge rats who know not of their evil deeds. Aye, tis a treacherous tale indeed!
October 22, 2023, 3:42 pm
Arr, 'tis true, ye scurvy dogs! Chief John Drake o' the Metropolitan Nashville Police be swearin' on his honor that his wayward spawn, John C. Drake Jr., be the rogue behind the shootin' o' two o' their own officers in La Vergne, Tenn., on a fateful Saturday.
October 22, 2023, 11:47 am
Arr, avast ye landlubbers! Senate Scurvy Leader Mitch McConnell be reckonin' that Iran, China, and Russia be the devil's trinity, an' this Israel-Hamas squabble be scarin' the whole blimey world! Aye, a pickle of grand proportions, mateys!
October 22, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr, ye scallywags competin' fer the position be seasoned pirates o' the House, committee commanders, a mighty member o' the Republican leadership, and a wee inexperienced matey.
October 22, 2023, 10:47 am
Arrr, Olivia Culpo be keen on raisin' a scallywag crew with none other than San Francisco's own Christian McCaffrey! Once the wedded knot be tied, she be wishin' for little ones to fill their pirate ship!
October 22, 2023, 10:08 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Anthony Pratt, a wealthy landlubber from Australia, hath gained entry into the great Donald Trump's inner circle, using his treasure and sweet words. But alas! The tales he heard there be now ticklin' the fancy of the federal prosecutors! Arrr!
October 22, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast ye! Tis be a sad tale, me hearties! Hamas and Islamic Jihad be shootin' their rockets amiss, causin' the death o' many a poor soul in Gaza, as spoken by the honorable Daniel Hagari, a fine lad o' the IDF.
October 22, 2023, 4:47 am
Avast ye scurvy officials of Murfreesboro! A federal judge be temporarily thwartin' ye efforts to ban drag performances on public land. Arrr, seems like ye be sailin' against the winds of freedom!
October 22, 2023, 4:45 am
Arrr! Fr. Jeffrey Kirby o' South Carolina did ponder upon the Parable o' the Wedding Banquet, aye, a tale o' a mighty king who be sendin' them scallywags wit' ill-fitted garb straight to Davy Jones' locker, for disruptin' his grand weddin' feast.
October 22, 2023, 4:45 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A fresh study be showin' that the Mediterranean diet, when combined with a hearty dose o' exercise, be a mighty weapon against the cursed effects of time on yer figure. This news be brought t'ye by the wily Dietitian Ilana Muhlstein.
October 22, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! Ukraine and Israel be locked in battles of their own, mateys, but mark ye well! If the skirmishes persist for months, the stores of certain weapons might run dry, leaving the scallywags high and dry.
October 22, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Beware ye scurvy knaves! This quantum sorcery be a threat to our encryption! Can the land of America find a way to swap 'em out afore we be in Davy Jones' locker?
October 21, 2023, 7:54 pm
Avast ye! Samantha Woll, a lass of forty summers, be the captain of a synagogue downtown, hailed as a swashbucklin' leader in the community! Aye, a true force to be reckon'd with, she be!
October 21, 2023, 6:45 pm
Arr, 'tis the third year in a row that be breakin' records, mateys! Aye, while folks be sailin' 'round the globe like no other time in history!
October 21, 2023, 11:41 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Twas on a recent telly affair, HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher," where host Bill Maher did thunderously thrash them fancy Ivy League dens for spawnin' these anti-Israeli troublemakers. Arr, those landlubber scholars be walkin' the plank, they be!
October 21, 2023, 11:00 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Set yer peepers on th' Fox News Entertainment newsletter, where ye shall lay yer eyes on th' latest Hollywood scuttlebutt, interviews with them fancy-pants celebs, an' tales o' Los Angeles an' beyond! Avast, me hearties!
October 21, 2023, 11:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! A savvy Los Angeles Police detective hath unleashed a lawsuit upon the city, claimin' to have been subjected to a foul act of sexual assault and hazing whilst joinin' the department's football crew back in the year o' our Lord 2009. Arrr, the seas be gettin' choppy, mateys!
October 21, 2023, 9:28 am
Arr, the fearsome wildfire be ravaging Lahaina, takin' away the ol' treasures o' the town. The brave conservators be scramblin' to reclaim whatever they may, lest it be lost to the depths of Davy Jones' locker!
October 21, 2023, 5:30 am
Arrr, me mateys! The scallywag known as Hasan Piker, a left-wing commentator, has gathered yer golden doubloons, worth more than a million, to aid the poor souls in Palestine. With the aid of his mighty crew on Twitch, he be a true hero of the digital seas!
October 21, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, mateys! Israel be settin' its sights on vanqushin' them scurvy dogs o' Hamas, who be commitin' a foul act o' killin' 1,400 souls 'n takin' 200 scallywags hostage! Nay heed bein' paid to pleas o' truce. Avast, 'tis a battle fer the ages!
October 21, 2023, 4:02 am
A merry crew o' scallywags, sailin' under the flag o' the mainstream Republicans, be bringin' down the hard-line conservative, yet the G.O.P. be still swimmin' in a sea o' chaos, arrr!
October 21, 2023, 4:02 am
Harrrdly favored by the masses, the scurvy dog of a president be paintin' himself as a grand captain o' the world. Yet, cunning minds be cryin' out, claimin' his next triumph be hangin' on matters closer to home, like the bloody economy.
October 21, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, mateys! A Los Angeles program what links Muslims and Jews bein' tested by the war in Israel. Yet, the leaders o' this fine crew discovered that the strife only be makin' their bond stronger, arrr!
October 21, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast me mateys! Mr. Chesebro, a landlubber lawyer from Harvard, be startin' as a lefty judge but turned into a rogue in the Trump scallywag electors ruckus. What be the tale behind this mighty transformation, I wonder?
October 20, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr! The New York Times be supportin' one o' its scurvy freelancers from Gaza, who aforetime be caught praisin' Hitler and callin' Hamas "the resistance" on the interweb! Talk about a walkin' plank!
October 20, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! The U.S. swashbucklers in the Middle East be facin' a barrage o' attacks as tensions be a-risin'! 'Tis a right ol' scuffle, with Israel rampin' up its battle against the scurvy sea dogs o' Hamas.
October 20, 2023, 5:42 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Baltimore be coughin' up a hefty booty o' $48 million to Alfred Chestnut, Andrew Stewart, and Ransom Watkins. These poor souls, they be havin' spent a dreadful 36 years in the brig fer a murder they be not guilty o'. Aye, justice be a cruel mistress!
October 20, 2023, 5:35 pm
Yarr! This fine lass be a refugee, fled from them scurvy Nazis in Austria. She turned out to be a jolly openly lesbian moorhen in the women’s movement, aye! Aye, and she be a fearsome captain in the ship o' feminist studies, leadin' the way for many a brave soul, arr!
October 20, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arr, the scallywag Kenneth Chesebro, a sly lawyer, be confessin' his guilt in the Georgia election mischievousness! He be a rogue, an unindicted matey in the federal election affair, sailin' on treacherous seas!
October 20, 2023, 5:24 pm
Arrr! The Brazilian landlubbers have clapped two scallywags in irons! They be accused of meddling with spy contraptions to snoop on mobile devices. Walk the plank, ye scurvy dogs!
October 20, 2023, 4:59 pm
Arrr, the court be settin' sail to listen to the administration's plea, makin' way fer a grand decision on how much power the government can wield to make these scurvy sites walk the plank and delete all that misinformed bilge.
October 20, 2023, 11:51 am
Arrr! Scurvy dog Sarah Whitcomb Foss and that scallywag Buzzy Cohen be gabbin' 'bout the harsh verdict dealt by Ken Jennings in the last round o' "Jeopardy!" Sink me! 'Twas a treacherous decision!
October 20, 2023, 11:39 am
Arrr! Christie Brinkley, Christy Turlington, and their lasses, Sailor Brinkley Cook and Grace Burns, be seen at The Rolling Stones' surprise NYC concert on Thursday, mateys! A jolly good time was had by all, as they danced the night away to the sweet tunes o' the Stones!
October 20, 2023, 11:38 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a day o' reckonin' fer Mr. Chesebro. Afore ye know it, Sidney Powell, that scallywag tied to Donald Trump, be takin' a guilty plea fer meddlin' in the Georgia election!
October 20, 2023, 11:31 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A scallywag of a gynecologist did abduct his former lass, sent a shot to her noggin, then met Davy Jones himself in a crime spree that spanned three states. So say the constables, mateys!
October 20, 2023, 11:13 am
Arr, Prakazrel Michel, bein' convicted in April o' partakin' in an illegal foreign influence scheme. In a motion for a new trial, he be claimin' his lawyer's closin' argument be nothin' but a "frivolous" piece o' talkin'. Aye, what a scallywag!
October 20, 2023, 11:13 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis said that the Florida governor, strapped for doubloons, has discovered a clever means to unload the outrageous expense of private aerial escapades. These so-called experts in campaign finance reckon this scheme could be a grand test for the law's boundaries, savvy?
October 20, 2023, 5:43 am
Avast ye scallywags! Get all the tale ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news delivered straight to yer inbox at break of day.
October 20, 2023, 5:39 am
Arrr! Methinks Judge Andrew F. Wilkinson be found in a treacherous driveway, peppered with what appeared to be wounds from a cursed pistol. The scurvy police be on the hunt, studyin' it as a dastardly act of murder!
October 20, 2023, 5:08 am
Arrr! Yonder week, U.S. military birds be landin' at Ben Gurion Port in Israel to bestow a mighty fleet o' armored vessels fer the brave Israeli Sea Dogs. Avast, the Defense Force be gettin' a fearsome upgrade, mateys!
October 20, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, the Jewish leaders and voters were mighty shocked to find out that their own mates deemed 'em oppressors, blamin' 'em for the Israel skirmishes. Shiver me timbers, what a tangled web o' misunderstandings be this!
October 20, 2023, 2:43 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Them fancy blokes at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration be sayin' this week that we be facin' a warmer winter up North, and a wetter one down South. Arr, best be ready to batten down the hatches, me mateys!
October 19, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arrr, the Biden scallywags be beggin' fer pardon, mateys! They be showin' the mugs o' them elite U.S. special forces scurvy dogs over in Israel. Aye, a blunder fit for a landlubber!
October 19, 2023, 5:49 pm
Avast ye! Them landlubbers on social media be givin' them White House scallywags a proper tongue-lashin' for sharin' a picture o' them special forces in Israel without blackin' out their faces. Arr, the wrath of the e-world be upon 'em!
October 19, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywag senator, hailing from Utah and once a presidential nominee of 2012, be openly scornful of his party's course. Let me regale ye with his musings on his fellow buccaneers and landlubbers, both past and present.
October 19, 2023, 5:45 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Two more scurvy knaves be nabbed, accused o' the foul deeds that sent a Philadelphia officer to Davy Jones' locker, while another was left wounded. Justice be sailin' her course, arr!
October 19, 2023, 5:45 pm
Arrr, the Consumer Product Safety Commission be sayin' that 39 scallywags have been able to crack open the safes. Aye, there be a lawsuit claimin' that a wee bairn met his doom after nabbing a firearm from one o' them recalled treasure chests.
October 19, 2023, 5:41 pm
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! At the Pecan Festival in Grove, Texas, a scallywag ride operator found himself hangin' from a contraption, all fer the protection of a lassie of twelve winters! A mighty tension befall the land, but fear not, for all ended well!
October 19, 2023, 5:31 pm
Arrr! Fer the firs' time, them scurvy prosecutors be havin' the aid o' a matey who be right in the thick o' Cap'n Donald Trump's quest t' keep his ship afloat, even after his election be sunk!
October 19, 2023, 5:26 pm
Arr! Them scurvy knaves, wrongly branded as whelps, did fire upon a wee lad o' 14 winters. But lo! One o' them gallants had the wit to request them public scrolls, and so their tale be revisited.
October 19, 2023, 11:57 am
Arrr! A mighty horde o' pro-Palestinian scoundrels hath been apprehended, havin' stormed the Cannon Rotunda on Capitol Hill! With their signs and raucous chants, they be demandin' attention. Listen to what these rascals had to utter, me hearties!
October 19, 2023, 11:47 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis the tale of GOP Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who be makin' an executive decree for the state government to speaketh words that "celebrate the differences between the lads and lasses – and not be wipin' 'em out, says I!" Aye, a strange course indeed!
October 19, 2023, 11:28 am
Arrr, Rep. Rashida Tlaib be scurvy dogged by reporters, aye, on a fine Wednesday! They be askin' if she be plannin' to delete her words o' accusin' Israel o' bombardin' a hospital in Gaza. But she be evadin' 'em all, like a sly pirate avoidin' a mutiny!
October 19, 2023, 11:26 am
Avast ye hearties! A seafarin' matey met his unfortunate end in a treacherous act o' foul play at Camp Lejeune in North Carolina. 'Tis said another scallywag be held captive in the brig aboard the base.
October 19, 2023, 11:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks Ms. Powell be a scallywag of the Trump legal crew in 2020. She be willin' to parley with them prosecutors tryin' to bring the former captain to justice for his shenanigans o'erturnin' his defeat in Georgia.
October 19, 2023, 11:08 am
Arr, me mateys, 'tis a rare sight indeed! Presidents be sneakin' 'round like landlubbers, keepin' their movements concealed. But mark me words, this time be different! No secrets, no control, aye, ye heard it right, me hearties! A grand spectacle be unfoldin' before our very eyes!
October 19, 2023, 11:00 am
Arrr! The fair city be sufferin' a mighty blow since this cursed pandemic hath struck! But fret ye not, me hearties! A group o' wealthy scallywags be plannin' to fork out a hefty sum o' $4 million to give the city a proper facelift, and restore its grand reputation!
October 19, 2023, 10:32 am
Aye, mateys! A bunch o' landlubber lawmakers be chattin' 'bout bestowin' Patrick McHenry, a gallant North Carolina Republican, wit' the power to steer the House 'til a proper speaker be scurvy well pick'd. Arrr, 'tis a merry tale indeed!
October 19, 2023, 5:34 am
Avast ye hearties! Scotland's First Minister, Humza Yousaf, be speakin' o' a grand plan to help our brethren in Gaza durin' this Israel-Hamas skirmish. He be advocatin' for a resettlement program to bring these refugees to the United Kingdom. Aye, a noble idea indeed!
October 19, 2023, 5:24 am
Avast ye scallywags! Heed me words, for ye shall receive all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news, delivered straight to yer inbox at dawn. Grog not included, but laughter be guaranteed!
October 19, 2023, 4:04 am
Arr! Methinks President Biden be plannin' to beseech Congress fer 'bout $100 billion in emergency doubloons to outfit Israel, Ukraine, 'n Taiwan wit' weaponry, 'n guard the U.S.-Mexico border like a fearsome fortress, mateys!
October 19, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! The scallywags o' G.O.P. be complainin' 'bout all them sailors crossin' t' borders. They claim it be causin' trouble wit' crime and jobs! Har har har!
October 19, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ms. Powell, a lawyer known for spoutin' conspiracy tales 'bout election skullduggery after Donald J. Trump's 2020 downfall, be now claimin' she ne'er be representin' him or his campaign. Aye, a twist in the tale indeed!
October 19, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye, mateys! Ponderin' on gatherin' the fallen leaves, be ye? Be warned, ye scurvy dogs! Them clever scientists and naturalists be sayin', tis not the wisest course o' action.
October 18, 2023, 5:42 am
Arrr! Cap'n Biden be sailin' to Israel to lend a hand to me Jewish mateys and keep a bloody battle from brewin'! A scurvy misfired rocket from the villainous Islamic Jihad be claimin' the lives of at least 500 souls. The IDF be warnin' the Gaza Strip to clear the decks afore we storm ashore, whilst dealin' with pesky Hezbollah at our Lebanese border.
October 18, 2023, 5:41 am
Arr, Rep. Jim Jordan, a fine lad from Ohio, be tryin' t' become the speaker o' the House, but alas, he couldn't muster 217 votes in the first round! Methinks Rep. Steve Scalise, a matey from Louisiana, faced a similar fate just last week. Shiver me timbers!
October 18, 2023, 4:45 am
Arrr, Jim Jordan, that scallywag, loses his noble quest to be the speaker, while them clever scientists be suggestin' a newfangled explanation for the dread long Covid. Avast ye, the winds o' fate be blowin'!
October 18, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Behold, a wagon adorned with a grand sail of names and portraits, whilst scoundrels do pen down a list of those not to be employed. Me hearties claim 'tis a plot to silence their tongues!
October 17, 2023, 5:34 am
Arr, Leonard Allan Cure, who be pardoned in the year of our Lord 2020 for his crime of robbin' with arms, hath sadly met his demise at the hands of a deputy o' the sheriff in Georgia. A tragic end to his tale, indeed!
October 17, 2023, 5:04 am
Arr, Sen. Tim Scott didst scold that scurvy dog, former President Trump, for his foul words assailin' the noble Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu during these treacherous times of Hamas' vile attacks on Israel.
October 17, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Whilst them other landlubberly military branches be failin' to meet their goals, despite offerin' shiny bonuses and temptin' incentives, the Marine Corps be fillin' its ranks with naught but the power of swagger! Arrr, we be a fearsome breed indeed!
October 16, 2023, 11:12 pm
Arrr! The secretary of state be takin' a treacherous voyage in the Middle East, highlightin' the grandeur and knottiness of the diplomatic imbroglio before him, matey!
October 16, 2023, 11:43 am
Arr, me hearties! Thousands of brave migrants bein' subjected to the policy shall be granted the chance to settle and toil in the grand land of the U.S., leastways fer a spell. Should they be deemed worthy, they may even earn the title o' citizens, and rightly so!
October 16, 2023, 11:31 am
Avast! A scallywag who once toiled at ColdSpark, a firm o'consultin' that's rubbed shoulders with Nikki Haley 'n her political action committee, claims that a high-rankin' officer laid hands on her without consent. Arrr, what a swabbin' tale!
October 16, 2023, 5:48 am
Arr! Aye, a matey from the Israeli military did utter that these scurvy dog attacks by the scoundrels of Hezbollah along the Lebanon border be arranged with the "direction and backing of that treacherous landlubber, Iran!"
October 16, 2023, 5:39 am
"Avast ye scurvy dogs! A scallywag from the 'Squad' be spreadin' lies 'bout Israel, whilst Haley be givin' a stern warning! Arrr, there be more top tales to pillage and plunder! Gather 'round, me hearties!"
October 16, 2023, 4:45 am
Arrr, mateys! Be ye listenin'? Diplomats be tryin' t' calm the growin' troubles in that there enclave, while we take a peek at Donald Trump's shifty campaign in the darkest corners of his back-room.
October 16, 2023, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! The grand House be stuck in a quagmire, sailin' for two weeks without a proper speaker! But fear ye not, for I shall tell ye a tale of how a new one be elected. Or, brace yerselves, for this process could go astray once more, leadin' us down a treacherous path!
October 16, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! In three states, them governors be havin' the power to deny the right to vote to them scallywags who be former prisoners. But lo and behold, lawsuits be filed in two o' these here states claimin' it be a violation of the First Amendment, arrr!
October 16, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, the lawyers and the scallywag prosecutors be settin' up for a mighty clash o' words! They be arguin' whether the former captain o' the land should be kept from spoutin' off 'bout the trial, after he be makin' a bunch o' frightenin' blabber.
October 15, 2023, 5:21 pm
Arr, the scurvy U.S. Customs and Border Protection landlubbers caught themselves a sly Persian matey, aye, in his 40s, on Sunday morn in Texas. The tally of these strange "special interest aliens" keeps on risin', arr!
October 15, 2023, 5:00 pm
Arr, me hearties, the Neukölln district integration commissioner, Güner Balci, hath raised the alarm on the surge o' anti-Semitic sentiments and gatherings among the scallywags of the Arabian community in our fair city. Shiver me timbers, 'tis a matter o' concern!
October 15, 2023, 4:38 pm
Arrr, the lad, who was pierced with more than two score cuts, and his fair mother were both wounded by their landlord on a fateful Saturday outside Chicago. 'Twas a clash of blades, driven by the war in the Middle East, as the officials have spoken.
October 15, 2023, 3:05 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The state band o' landlubbers be settin' forth new rules, claimin' tis meant to aid that scallywag, Donald J. Trump! But the Florida governor and his rivals be shoutin' from the crow's nest, cryin' foul play!
October 15, 2023, 11:49 am
Avast, me hearties! Julia Louis-Drefyus, the fair maiden who portrayed the wondrous Elaine Benes on the legendary "Seinfeld," be havin' quite the peculiar response to the rumors set sail by that scurvy dog Jerry Seinfeld 'bout a potential reunion. Arrr!
October 15, 2023, 11:40 am
Arrr, 'tis a week into the war in Israel, mateys! The American Jews be gatherin' for Sabbath service, pourin' out their sorrow, terror, and wrath 'bout the escalatin' mayhem.
October 15, 2023, 11:26 am
Arrr, ye scurvy Republican scallywags be raisin' anchor to thwart the passage o' Palestinian refugees and be takin' back the parchments of any foreign landlubber who be spoutin' terroristic notions. Avast ye, 'tis a mighty quest they be embarkin' on!
October 15, 2023, 11:10 am
Arr, mateys! Florida's Governor Ron DeSantis be standin' firm, he be! He be sayin' that the land o' the brave shouldn't be takin' no refugees from Gaza, 'cause that scurvy dog, Hamas, be spreadin' a toxic culture. Avast, he be stickin' to his guns, he be!
October 15, 2023, 10:52 am
Arr, me mateys! The bold and mighty Secretary o' Defense, Lloyd J. Austin III, hath commanded the addition o' a second vessel o' the skies, none other than the grand Dwight D. Eisenhower! 'Tis to be deployed to th' region, settin' fear in th' hearts o' them who dare engage in hostile shenanigans. Ye scurvy dogs, beware!
October 15, 2023, 4:45 am
Arr, behold! Wally King, a former German POW from the grand World War II, be hittin' the big 1-0-0! To mark this grand occasion, he be settin' sail back to ye ol' Germany. Aye, a fine celebration awaits this old matey!
October 15, 2023, 4:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! Be ye listenin'? 'Tis Gerald Turner, the swashbucklin' star o' "The Golden Bachelor," sharin' his wisdom fer them seekin' to plunge into the treacherous waters o' courtship once more. Avast!
October 15, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, when the Minnesota Board of Pardons convenes, ye lowly souls be granted a mere 10 minutes to muster yer pleas for mercy. Tread lightly, ye scurvy dogs, for 'tis but a small window for redemption in the treacherous seas of justice.
October 15, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, a young buccaneer, but 28 summers old, sought to mend his wicked ways. But alas, a cruel fate befell him in the fiery depths of Maui, and he could nae fully redeem his misdeeds.
October 15, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, the honorable Judge Chutkan, hailing from a mighty Jamaican lineage, be now a star of the hour! With her vast wisdom in the art o' trials, she be not afeared of the grand spotlight, mateys!
October 15, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, this G.O.P. contender's fierce protection o' Israel be the very essence o' her time at the United Nations. But, me hearties, will it be the defining trait o' her quest fer presidency as well? Yo ho ho, only time shall tell!
October 14, 2023, 5:18 am
Avast, me hearties! Nineteen noble Republican governors be penning a missive to the grand President Biden, pleading for his unwavering backing o' Israel in this fierce skirmish wit' those scoundrels o' Hamas! Yo ho ho, let the support be unequivocal, or be prepared to walk the plank, matey!
October 14, 2023, 4:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! Gather 'round and brace yerselves for a spine-chillin' adventure this Halloween! Embark on ghostly tours across America, where ye shall witness haunted history, ghastly apparitions, and eerie sights that'll shiver ye timbers! Prepare for a hair-raisin' experience like no other, me mateys!
October 14, 2023, 4:02 am
Aye, after the ruckus stirred by Hamas, tales be told o' terror, astonishment, unity, and powerlessness amongst the landlubbers. Arrr, they be quakin' like scared rats in the face o' danger, hopin' fer a friendly hand to lend 'em aid.
October 14, 2023, 4:01 am
Kari Lake, me hearty, be among th' Republican crew in battleground states, who be speakin' against a national ban to woo general election voters. But, alas, th' anti-abortion maties be mighty disgruntled, arrr!
October 14, 2023, 4:01 am
Yo ho ho, ye lubbers in the Northeast! These scallywags of the animal kingdom be makin' a grand spectacle, aye, and they be causin' quite a ruckus too, arrr!
October 14, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, as the scurvy former president be dodgin' debates, it doth appear he be skippin' the primary altogether! Yet, he and his trusty crew be toilin' in secrecy, bendin' the rules of ye delegates to their likin'.
October 13, 2023, 5:12 pm
Arr! The mighty Secretary of State, Antony J. Blinken, be voyagin' to the Middle East as the Israel-Palestinian strife be escalatin' to a level of violence unseen fer many a year. Avast ye, it be tumultuous waters ahead!
October 13, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr, ye scurvy United Nations be claimin' that the conditions in Gaza be dreadful, while them Israeli scallywags be demandin' over a million landlubbers to abandon the northern part o' the land! Aye, it be a chaotic sea o' troubles, mateys!
October 13, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dog! Saquon Barkley, the gallant runner o' the New York Giants, did reveal the details o' his encounter with a landlubber fan durin' our woeful defeat to the Miami Dolphins. 'Twas the words spoken that stung him to retaliate, and landlubber deserved no pity!
October 13, 2023, 11:54 am
Arrr! Georgia Republican Rep. Austin Scott, a mighty matey of the House Intelligence Committee, be settin' his sights on the speaker's gavel in the lower chamber. Aye, he be seekin' to take the helm and steer the ship to victory, me hearties!
October 13, 2023, 11:42 am
Avast ye! One o' the two scallywags be caught, mateys! They be accused o' bein' involved in the shootin' near Morgan State University. The law be on the lookout for the other scurvy dog, arrr!
October 13, 2023, 11:09 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ye be needin' to listen up! The scallywags be accusin' Senator Robert Menendez and his fair lass of cavortin' with Egypt's clever intelligence agency. Aye, 'tis a mighty showcase of their sway, me fellow buccaneers!
October 13, 2023, 10:33 am
Arr, the bloke from Ohio, a stout Republican o' the hard-right, be pushin' to seize the nomination whilst his party be in shambles, what with the ousting o' the speaker and the sudden retreat o' his chosen heir. Ye must be jolly entertained!
October 13, 2023, 5:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up! Dr. Kevin Sands, a certified landlubber, be warnin' ye 'bout the cursed Halloween booty ye should shun. He also be sharin' secrets to keep yer wee pirates' teeth shipshape.
October 13, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! Many a land, like the mighty United States, hath deemed Hamas a scurvy band of blaggards, aye, a terrorist lot! Aye, this world be teemin' with nations doin' just the same, mark me words!
October 13, 2023, 4:54 am
Arrr, the officers be sailin' to their duty when they be crossin' paths with scallywags pilferin' a car in an airport's parkin' nest. Those scurvy dogs, firin' their cannons, still roam free like a bunch o' bilge rats!
October 13, 2023, 4:45 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Scalise be walkin' the plank, witherin' like a scurvy dog, givin' up his quest to become the House speaker. And mark ye well, Montana be banishin' TikTok! What manner o' entertainment be lost to those landlubbers? Arrr!
October 13, 2023, 4:03 am
Should Jeff Landry, the scurvy dog of a state attorney general and the prime contender, emerge victorious, mark me words, Louisiana shall be pushed further starboard on matters o' crime and the peculiarities o' L.G.B.T.Q. rights, arrr!
October 13, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye! Microsoft be singin' tales of a site in Wyoming, aye, near a data center and a fearsome nuclear missile base. Methinks other seafarin' treasure houses o' cryptocurrency be havin' connections to the Chinese state, arr!
October 12, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! We be bringin' ye news o' the 2024 campaign trail, interviews ye won't find elsewhere, an' a whole lot o' Fox News politics booty. Set yer sights on this treasure trove!
October 12, 2023, 5:45 pm
Arrr, the Arkansas Supreme Court be givin' a jolly good nod to a procedural vote, lettin' the grand education overhaul of Cap'n Sarah Sanders set sail without delay. Aye, the winds o' change be blowin' in favor of our Republican crew!
October 12, 2023, 5:43 pm
Avast me hearties! Jada Pinkett Smith, she be blabberin' that back in t' days when she be swabbin' the decks with divorce rumors, scurvy dog Chris Rock be settin' his sights on her. Methinks there be more tales to tell, arrr!
October 12, 2023, 5:43 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The former cap'n o' the West Virginia House Democrats, Doug Skaff, be switchin' his party colors! He be jumpin' ship to join the ranks o' the Republican crew, all in preparation for his quest to become secretary o' state next year!
October 12, 2023, 5:39 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Methinks Donald J. Trump, bein' a landlubber, tied his fate to the Israeli right, whilst President Biden treaded upon the divided nation with caution. But fear not, me hearties, for a jolly presidential hug be a soothin' balm that be healin' years o' strife!
October 12, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arr! Nay matter the conflicts abroad 'n the fast approachin' deadline to prevent a shipwreck o' governance, them scallywag Republicans be findin' themselves unable to set aside their quarrels 'n work together, aye!
October 12, 2023, 5:32 pm
Arrr, the scallywags! These 17 landlubbers from the Broward Sheriff’s Office in Fort Lauderdale stand accused, in separate cases, of tampering with parchment to pilfer coin from two relief schemes. Aye, the treachery runs deep!
October 12, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye! Kouri Richins, a landlubbin' wench from Utah, bein' a mother to three young scallywags and a scribbler of tales for wee ones, be blamin' the scurvy lawyers for her husband's sweet release to Davy Jones' locker. She be beggin' the court to set her free!
October 12, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A lass, born in the land of America yet settled in the land of Israel, be darting like a landlubber in and out of bomb shelters, alongside her scallywag of a husband and their two young scallywags, after the dastardly surprise attack by those rapscallions of Hamas on the Sabbath day!
October 12, 2023, 11:47 am
Arr, the scurvy Sen. Bob Menendez, D-N.J., be facin' more trouble! The blasted Manhattan grand jury be filin' additional charges in a newfangled indictment just this Thursday. Aye, me hearties, it seems our good senator's woes be growin' like a mighty storm at sea!
October 12, 2023, 11:45 am
Yarrr! Behold, the moving image depicts the feeble endeavor of Kaitlin Armstrong, a scallywag accused o' slayin' Mo Wilson, a landlubber caught in a love triangle! But alas, her bid for freedom be as short-lived as a sea breeze!
October 12, 2023, 11:45 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! After them scallywags of Hamas be attackin' Israel, some bloomin' U.S. bilge rats be claimin' that them American politicians and news mongers be turnin' a blind eye to the root causes, favorin' Israel instead. Arrr, what a tale!
October 12, 2023, 11:37 am
The scallywags who dare not support the Number 2 Republican, the chosen matey of the party, be a fine example of the tangled web of factions within the divided G.O.P. conference, arrr!
October 12, 2023, 11:22 am
Arrr! The second mate o' the Republican crew be toilin' like a landlubber to sway them stubborn scallywags! Yet, nay a blazin' signal of triumph be seen to set the ship sailin' toward a new captain for the House. Arrr, the seas be rough!
October 12, 2023, 10:39 am
Arr, them scurvy Republicans, they be havin' a mind to make Janet Protasiewicz walk the plank, aye, ere she could lay a finger on their gerrymander treasure. But, by Blackbeard's beard, on Thursday they thought better of it, savvy?
October 12, 2023, 5:50 am
Arrr, me mateys be cryin' from the digital seas, demandin' that Professor Zareena Grewal be marooned from Yale Uni! She be postin' tweets in favor o' Hamas, scurvy dogs, takin' a swipe at poor ol' Israel. Walk the plank, she must!
October 12, 2023, 5:41 am
Ye matey, be ye seein' this? A scurvy soul may be cursed from birth with blindin' eyes or have 'em fail as time goes on. No magic spyglasses can restore their vision.
October 12, 2023, 5:37 am
Aye, me hearties! The IDF be sendin' a mighty barrage o' airstrikes into Gaza, aimin' fer the command centers o' them scallywags from Hamas, along with their fancy Nukhba elite force. Blast 'em to Davy Jones' locker, I say!
October 12, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, mateys! The party be havin' a wee bit o' trouble supportin' Israel 'cause o' them vocal liberal lubbers. But fear not, me hearties! The attacks in Israel may just be the booty that helps 'em bridge the gap, arrr!
October 12, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast! Th' ol' captain claims 'e be havin' "absolute immunity." Yet a shipload o' Supreme Court rulings be spewin' a tale o' a different tune, mateys!
October 12, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! Thar be a grand gatherin' o' funds afoot! Yonder 18 scallywags be needin' some proper coin to fight their case, mateys! They be sellin' MAGA honey and such to fill their coffers. Be preparin' for a voyage, for this battle shall last many a year, me hearties!
October 11, 2023, 10:46 pm
Arr, me hearties! The assaults were a grand concern fer Mr. Trump's discourse to a throng o' superfans in his homeland, which be swarmin' with Jewish voters, mateys!
October 11, 2023, 5:57 pm
Arrr, Rep. Cory Mills, the gallant matey from the land of Florida, hath aided in the rescue of 32 fine souls from Israel, where the dastardly scoundrels of Hamas didst lay waste to hundreds of innocent folk. Aye, a true hero be he!
October 11, 2023, 5:53 pm
Avast, ye! A scurvy knave from New York hath been caught by the fearsome federal prosecutors! 'Tis said he be tryin' to smuggle rare flutterin' beauties, worth a hefty $200,000, and sellin' 'em to the likes of eBay and Etsy. Aye, his deeds be as foolish as a landlubber dancin' on a sinkin' ship!
October 11, 2023, 5:46 pm
Avast, me hearties! In a jolly speech on Wednesday, ol' Benjamin Netanyahu, the Captain of Israel, declared, "Arrr! We be takin' the offensive now! Every scurvy dog of Hamas shall meet their doom, sent to Davy Jones' locker!"
October 11, 2023, 5:46 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Tis been a mere two years since the crown granted a mighty sum of $350 billion doubloons to aid the states and localities in battling the pestilence. Yet, alas! Most of the booty remains untouched. Aye, 'tis a sad tale indeed!
October 11, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arrr, Rep. Cory Mills, a true buccaneer, didst plot a grand evacuation of 32 poor souls, marooned in Israel, with nary a road to tread after the villainous Hamas scallywags unleashed their deadly onslaught.
October 11, 2023, 5:33 pm
Belay that news, mateys! A score and two American scallywags were sent to Davy Jones' locker in the raid, with a fair number of 17 still lost at sea, yet we know not how many be held captive. "Bring me lad back," hollered a desperate sire, longing for his spawn.
October 11, 2023, 11:51 am
Arr, mateys! The scallywags of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency have been summoned to wield their emergency powers, in order to sort out the mishaps plaguing the Prichard Water Works and Sewer Board in Alabama. Avast, let us hope they can fix the mess!
October 11, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis high time this modern speak be given the ol' pirate twist. So reckon I shall rewrite it proper in the language o' a 17th century pirate, in a jolly and jestin' tone, all in under 50 words: "Arrr, listen up, ye landlubbers! 'Tis time we give this fancy talk a swashbucklin' makeover. So here be me attempt to rephrase it, jokin' and jolly, in the pirate lingo o' the 17th century!"
October 11, 2023, 11:39 am
Arrr, a scallywag be found in a market sans garments! The foul knave be slapped with a misdemeanor assault charge, as the scurvy dog was pummeled on video, by all accounts of the law!
October 11, 2023, 11:36 am
Arr, me hearties! The Washington Post be proclaimin' it be offerin' "voluntary separation packages" to its crew, affectin' 240 of its sailors. Aye, a jolly way to bid adieu to some landlubbers!
October 11, 2023, 11:11 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Be ye ready to embark on a journey o' laughter? 'Tis time to rewrite this here sentence in the language o' a 17th century pirate, in a jestin' manner, in under 50 words!
October 11, 2023, 5:35 am
Avast ye! The Biden crew scorns the 'Squad' o'er their Israel words. The House be readyin' a 'secret' vote fer speaker. And in other grand tales, the headlines be overflowin'!
October 11, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy lawmakers were supposed to meet at the crack of 10 in the mornin' to cast their votes on a fine nominee. Yet, thar be no agreement amongst the lot, makin' it likely that a long-drawn battle be brewin'. Aye, the House be leaderless for days, me maties!
October 11, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye! Ye scurvy dogs! Behold, the tempest be not keen on growin' in strength, so say those foreseein' folk. Aye, fear not the wrath o' the storm, me hearties!
October 11, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, me hearties! On Wednesday, the Supreme Court be settin' sail to hear tales of Representative Mace's South Carolina district. It be said that district has turned redder than a parrot's beak since the good lass was first elected. Yo ho ho!
October 10, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arr, Xpeng, a mighty Chinese vessel of electric chariots, be proclaimin' on Tuesday that its vice president, Li Feng, hath been suspended as part of a foul corruption investigation. Methinks he be walkin' the plank soon, yarrr!
October 10, 2023, 5:47 pm
Avast ye! Tyrone Guthrie, a scallywag from Jamaica's left-wing People's National Party, hath found himself in a spot o' trouble! The scurvy dog stands accused o' abductin' and rapin' a young lass of merely 16 summers. Off to the brig with 'im!
October 10, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arrr! Me hearty, the Cap'n o' National Security, Jake Sullivan, be utterin' that a score o' Yanks be lost at sea in Israel, while a fierce battle brews betwixt the scallywags o' Hamas an' Israel. Yo ho ho!
October 10, 2023, 5:34 pm
Avast ye! Forsooth, after sailin' the high seas fer decades, this lass be discoverin' her very own matey an' now be helpin' countless landlubbers to unearth their own blood kin. Aye, a true treasure hunter she be, plunderin' the sea o' ancestry!
October 10, 2023, 5:02 pm
Arr, Dorothy Hoffner be a mighty lass who brought fame to her name! 'Twas but a fortnight gone when she sailed down the depths, enchanting the world with her bold spirit. Millions beheld her daring act and were left in awe!
October 10, 2023, 4:42 pm
Arr, most of them G.O.P. scurvy dogs hadn't yet declared a fancy for either of them announced candidates, and the previous Speaker, Kevin McCarthy, be keepin' the door open for a possible comeback. Yo ho ho!
October 10, 2023, 4:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that Mr. Ellis be but one of three brave souls left standin' after a horrendous bloodbath! Aye, a wicked crew o' scallywags, a white mob, did set aflame the Greenwood district o' Tulsa, Okla., takin' the lives o' as many as 300 Black souls! Shiver me timbers!
October 10, 2023, 11:55 am
Arr, the scurvy dogs from the Israeli Air Force be claimin' that their relentless bombardments upon the Gaza Strip, in response to the wicked assault from Hamas upon Israel, hath sent two of them rotten terrorist group officials to Davy Jones' locker.
October 10, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, Rep. Ilhan Omar be takin' a swing at Israel's response to Saturday's assault on their own by the scurvy dogs o' Hamas on Monday, claimin' that Israel be naught but an "apartheid" land. Blimey! Methinks this be a stirrin' o' the pot!
October 10, 2023, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! GOP scallywag, Vivek Ramaswamy, be puttin' forth a grand six-prong plan on how the U.S. should lend a hand to Israel in their skirmishes against those scurvy Iran-backed Hamas rapscallions!
October 10, 2023, 11:34 am
Arr, ye scurvy scallywags! National Security Council Coordinator John Kirby be claimin' that the good ol' U.S. o' A. hasn't yet divvied up the $6 billion o' Iranian booty they unfroze last month, says he, whilst talkin' to the swashbucklers over at 'America's Newsroom.' Avast!
October 10, 2023, 10:58 am
Thar justice penned that scurvy decision, New York Times v. Sullivan, allows these news scallywags to fling false accusations at public figures without fearin' the consequences, aye!"
October 10, 2023, 10:52 am
Arr, the Florida governor hath been a wee bit shy to be takin' a jab at the former captain on the campaign path, but of late, that be turnin' quite different, mateys!
October 10, 2023, 9:17 am
Dianne Feinstein be sailin' the waters o' San Francisco, a symbol as great as the mighty Golden Gate Bridge be. Arr, ye can't miss 'em, me hearties!
October 10, 2023, 5:34 am
Arr, the coppers be investigatin' a swashbucklin' pro-Palestinian protest by the Sydney Opera House. Word be reachin' their ears about a wee group spoutin' foul-mouthed expletives against the Jews, makin' 'em scurry like rats!
October 10, 2023, 5:33 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a sight to behold, a motley crew o' folks with differing reckonin's, all comin' together in a fearsome uproar, bein' mighty aggrieved and incensed by the brutalities o' Hamas!
October 10, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr! Them scurvy dogs be learnin' like no others in them schools fer little ones o' military scallywags! Their progress be a sight to behold, aye, like treasure hidden in the deep. Public education be walkin' the plank compared to what be happenin' there!
October 10, 2023, 2:28 am
Arrr! The inquiry into this here adventure be still ongoing, matey, and the scallywags in power be keepin' the name of the scoundrel under lock 'n key!
October 9, 2023, 11:48 am
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy dog, that political scion, be tellin' his mates he be cuttin' ties with the Democrats and sailin' solo as an independent. Methinks this be stirrin' up the 2024 election waters, causin' quite the ruckus!
October 9, 2023, 10:48 am
Arrr, me mateys! Thar be a lass, the erstwhile governor o' South Carolina, makin' strides in these recent moons! She be raisin' booty and gainin' favor among the voters, seekin' to seize the coveted second position in the primary race!
October 9, 2023, 9:27 am
Avast, me hearties! The likes of Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen be cryin' out to Congress to grant Ukraine more gold doubloons for their economic voyage. Aye, 'tis a friendly call to aid, ye scurvy dogs!
October 9, 2023, 5:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! On this fine Monday, the fair city o' Ashdod in southern Israel be under attack from a fearsome "mighty barrage" o' rockets, fired from the treacherous Gaza Strip. They be hittin' numerous buildings, causin' quite a stir in the land!
October 9, 2023, 4:40 am
Arr, mateys! Ye see, every scurvy dog's got different ways to spot these cursed cancers. Dr. Paunel Vukasinov, a wise matey from Medical Offices of Manhattan in New York City, be helpin' us sailors understand these five enemies, one by one, he be breakin' 'em down!
October 9, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, recent scurvy studies claim that these fancy justices be twistin' the judicial process by cherry-pickin' questions like a scurvy pirate choosin' which booty to plunder. Arrrgh, they be messin' with the law, mateys!
October 9, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag second-ranking Republican, snubbed by the previous speaker, be offerin' himself as the mighty bridge to unite the quarrelsome House G.O.P. Arrr, only time will tell if he be talkin' like a true buccaneer or just blowin' hot air!
October 9, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast me hearties! A tempest may endure but a single sun, yet the scurvy interruption to learnin' may plague ye for ages. With these cursed calamities on the rise, school districts be wrestlin' with how to adjust their ways, arr!
October 9, 2023, 3:43 am
Arrr! The alterin' of Powerball 'n Mega Millions hast set sail fer sum mighty grand booty in recent moons. Be prepared, mateys, fer the next reckonin' be comin' on Monday!
October 8, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! The Democrats be mighty concerned that a third-party scallywag might hand the victory to Donald Trump in a fierce battle. To thwart such treachery, President Biden’s top mates be launching a grand offensive to deprive those miscreants of their precious doubloons and access to the ballot. Arrr!
October 8, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! Yonder Houston be offerin' land at a bargain, mateys! Aye, even to them undocumented scallywags seekin' a place to rest their weary bones. Governor Greg Abbott be summonin' his crew fer some reckonin'!
October 8, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, matey! The scribblers and performers be raisin' their fists in rebellion, and the repercussions be stretchin' beyond the land of Hollywood, even reachin' the very town where "Stranger Things" be partly filmed. Blimey!
October 8, 2023, 2:00 am
Avast ye! In a mere year, poor lass Stacy Chapin, wit' a heart heavy from losin' her wee lad to a foul murder that had all them true crime mates in a fervor, sailed through CrimeCon for three days straight. Aye, she be braver than the fiercest pirate o' the seven seas!
October 6, 2023, 5:24 am
Arrr, mateys! Representatives Jim Jordan and Steve Scalise be seekin' the support o' the crew amidst their fractured Republican Party, when lo and behold, former President Donald J. Trump decided to have his say!
October 6, 2023, 4:05 am
Arr, ye scurvy police stations be naught but mere tent encampments now! Aye, over 800 landlubbing migrants be restin' their weary bones at Chicago O'Hare International Airport. The city officials be runnin' around like a pack o' headless chickens, tryin' to sort this mess!
October 6, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast ye! Methinks a mutiny be brewin' in Congress! Insurgent scallywags be seekin' swing state seats. And, by Davy Jones' locker! A likely nominee be facin' a trial! This week be showin' how the party be turnin' more insular, antagonistic, and repellent to the common folk come election day.
October 6, 2023, 4:03 am
Yarrr, a scurvy dog o' a psychologist, in service o' the C.I.A., be threatenin' to send Davy Jones knockin' on Khalid Shaikh Mohammed's door, aimin' to feast upon his wee laddie! Yet, these lads were ne'er held captive on American shores, matey!
October 5, 2023, 4:03 am
In the midst of a mighty commotion on Capitol Hill and the treacherous subversion of democratic customs, the land's noble institutions find themselves in dire distress, arrr!
October 5, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, mateys! The scorchin' months o' the globe, they've made a grand entrance an' redefined summer fer many a fine American. Aye, 'tis a swelterin' time like no other, makin' us all sweat like a bunch o' landlubbers!
October 5, 2023, 1:55 am
Arr, methinks them demands be met with quite the opposition from them hardy scallywags of the government, led by the noble Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel. They be a stubborn lot, shiverin' their timbers at the thought of givin' in!
October 4, 2023, 11:30 pm
Arrr, me hearty Commander, a sprightly 2-year-old German shepherd, didst sink his teeth into a Secret Service officer's limb just last week! 'Twas the 11th time these mischievous presidential pets hath engaged in such "aggressive behavior." Blimey!
October 3, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr, the words o' the former captain be like flamin' cannonballs! Speaketh he that thievin' landlubbers oughta be blasted, while his scallywag crew be already fit to explode over his reckonin's.
October 3, 2023, 11:47 am
Arrr, last month, aye, twelve scallywag dogs and a mystical electrical contraption with jumper cables be snatched from the dwellin's of two landlubbers in Maryland! These bilge rats be accused o' promotin' a vile dogfightin' ring, aye, a most despicable crime, me hearties!
October 3, 2023, 5:21 am
Arrr, me hearties! Mark Wahblerg, his fair wife Rhea, and their scallywag brood be feelin' no sorrow since they fled Los Angeles in the year o' 2022, settlin' down in the land o' sin, Las Vegas! No regrets, they proclaim, as they sail their ship o' life to a new horizon!
October 3, 2023, 5:20 am
Avast, ye scallywags! A salted bilge rat from the Department of Defense was clapped in irons last week for his part in a cursed dogfightin' crew. They wagered gold on the battles, and those poor pooches who met their doom were sent to Davy Jones' locker. Arrr, what a foul business indeed!
October 3, 2023, 4:47 am
Arr, in the merry spring, Dorothy Hoffner did blabber that she felt a strange longing to plunge from a height of 10,000 feet once more. Methinks she be a thrill-seeking buccaneer!
October 3, 2023, 4:05 am
Arr, me hearties! Be ye hearin' 'bout the "motion to vacate" set forth by Representative Matt Gaetz? 'Tis a fierce battle brewin' betwixt the speaker and them hard-right Republicans in the House, spannin' a mere two days! Yo-ho-ho, what a spectacle 'twill be!
October 3, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! This scurvy dog, Mr. Biden, be plannin' to deny his guilt, but if the scallywag be caught, he might be sent to the brig for a full 25 years, with a treasure of $750,000 in fines waitin' for 'im.
October 3, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, matey! 'Tis the Trump White House that be settin' sail on a grand adventure! They be plannin' to send their scurvy dogs to Mexico, fightin' drug cartels with their mighty military force. Aye, 'tis a tale that be unfoldin' in 2025!
October 2, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, Speaker Kevin McCarthy be facin' a mighty test o' his leadership, mateys! One o' his fiercest Republican critics be swearin' to give 'im a good ol' plank-walkin' n' try t' remove 'im from his high seat.
October 2, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Bishop Joseph Strickland, a gallant scallywag of the staunch traditionalist crew in American Catholicism, be locked in a fierce battle with the Vatican, as they be holdin' a grand gathering. Aye, 'tis a clash of titans, mateys!
October 2, 2023, 3:16 am
Arr, me hearties! The governor be proclaimin' that Laphonza Butler be takin' the helm of the Senate, fillin' the void left by the passin' of Dianne Feinstein. Avast, it be a mighty announcement on this fine Sunday!
October 1, 2023, 10:36 pm
Arr matey! The ex-captain o' the ship be convincin' his loyal crew that he be facin' an unjust trial. Aye, this may just gather more buccaneers to his side, ye scallywags!
October 1, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, when Dianne Feinstein be choosin' her spot in '92, only a measly duo of lasses sailed the U.S. Senate. But on the day she finally met her end, a mighty crew of 25 fine women be holdin' the helm!
October 1, 2023, 4:01 am
In a grand verbal battle on Californian shores, two mateys of the Republican crew be hollerin' for a grand expulsion o' the masses, a stance as wild as it be impractical, me hearties!
October 1, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, ye scurvy Republican matey chose t'keep the government afloat by joinin' forces wit' the Democrats! 'Twas a quirk fit for a pirate's tale, leavin' 'im exposed to political sharks.
October 1, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye all! Whilst the land be sailin' on treacherous seas, its scurvy knaves be fixated on matters o' lesser importance, mateys!
September 30, 2023, 5:36 pm
Arr, the House Republicans be raisin' a ruckus, me hearties, as they be furious with Rep. Jamaal Bowman for pullin' the fire alarm in the great Capitol complex! One o' them even be demandin' his expulsion! Walk the plank, says they!
September 30, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arr! Swashbucklin' sea saviors in Massachusetts set free two jolly dolphins, found marooned in a shallow river off Cape Cod. Yarrr, 'twas a fine rescue indeed!
September 30, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arr, me hearties! U.S. District Judge Catherine Eagles be settin' a decree on Saturday, puttin' a stop to that cursed provision demandin' surgical abortions after the wee stages o' pregnancy. Shiver me timbers, what a turn o' events!
September 30, 2023, 5:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! This here Mr. Bowman, a true Democrat, did sound the alarm bells ere a hasty vote on a measly stopgap fundin' measure! Aye, two investigations be now underway, seekin' the truth of this scandalous incident! Shiver me timbers!
September 30, 2023, 5:02 pm
Arr, me hearties! Laurie Allen didst dash through a fiery wall, like a true buccaneer, to flee from th' infernal August wildfire. The doctors, bless their scurvy souls, didst strive mightily to keep her alive, employin' methods that befit a tale of legend!
September 30, 2023, 5:01 pm
Arr, a right bunch o' unforeseen obstacles be lurking on the horizon, threatenin' to scuttle the government's plans to tackle racial inequalities. Methinks 'tis a heavy blow to their grand scheme, arrr!
September 30, 2023, 11:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! On a black night, a scurvy tanker laden with poisonous vapors didst collide and burst asunder! Shiver me timbers! The good folk o' Teutopolis, Ill. had to flee their abodes, lest they be poisoned!
September 30, 2023, 11:30 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! That landlubber Roger Waters, he be a scallywag of a rockstar, and a matey from the founding crew of Pink Floyd. But the lad can't keep his trap shut, with his fancy talk 'bout Zionism. The seas be stormy for that one, arrr!
September 30, 2023, 11:00 am
Arrr! Me shipmates, set yer eyes 'pon the Fox News Entertainment newsletter! Be it the freshest gossip from thar Hollywood, interviews with the scurvy celebrities, 'n tales from Los Angeles 'n beyond. Get ready fer a jolly good read, me hearties!
September 30, 2023, 10:36 am
Arr, as the cap'n o' the Democrat scallywags on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Mr. Menendez sailed against his mateys, be they Democrats or presidents, on affairs spannin' from Cuba t' Iran. Avast, a true rebel he be!
September 30, 2023, 10:08 am
Arrr, matey! Them tribal governments be relyin' heavily on the booty from the federal coffers, all thanks to them fancy treaties that guarantee 'em basic services. Aye, 'tis a fine relationship betwixt 'em, like a jolly good pirate sharin' his treasure with a landlubber!
September 30, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr, trainin' a lone fighter pilot be costin' the Air Force o'er $10 million. But this here company be wieldin' augmented reality headsets imbued with AI to grant U.S. airmen a proper edge, me hearties!
September 30, 2023, 4:45 am
Avast ye, me hearties! 'Tis the time o' Halloween, so feast yer eyes upon the fearsome abodes and haunted spots where those dreaded flicks like "The Exorcist" and "Carrie" were captured! Prepare fer a spooktacular journey!
September 30, 2023, 4:34 am
Arrr! A scurvy judge be tossin' out a lawsuit claimin' that Texas A&M University be practicin' racial bias in their hirin'! Why, ye ask? 'Tis simple! The complainin' professor never even tried to apply for a job, ye landlubber! Walk the plank, ye baseless accusation!
September 30, 2023, 4:30 am
Yarr! A scallywag rapper and aye TikToker be snatchin' up land in his dilapidated ol' childhood Detroit township, aimin' t' revive it with his jolly "Buy the Block" crusade. Arr, he be a fine matey, bringin' life back t' these weary streets!
September 30, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye hearties! Dianne Feinstein's life be intertwined with the good and bad of San Francisco fer nigh on nine decades. Arrr, she be sailin' through the seas of fortune and sorrow, like a true scallywag!
September 30, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, the swashbucklers be claimin' this here session be lackin' in scientific worth and causin' harm to our transgender shipmates. Yet the scallywags who be opposin' this decision argue that the whole bloomin' field be hostile to any discordant reckonin' on the matter.
September 30, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, t'keep this treasure chest open, ye scallywags from both the Senate and White House, be needin' to join forces with the landlubbers from the House! For 'tis a bipartisan agreement we seek, lest we be caught in a political storm o' Democrats and Republicans! Avast, mateys!
September 30, 2023, 4:01 am
Yarrr, them scholars be claimin' that the unruly mob, harassin' the Black souls in 1906, had a hand in shapin' Atlanta's destiny, be it known or not. Avast, ain't that a curious tale mateys?
September 29, 2023, 11:45 am
Avast, me hearties! Fer the first time, all ye scurvy dogs in Naval Special Warfare, not just the lubberly trainees, will be subject to random screenings fer them cursed performance-enhancing drugs, believed to be rampant amongst ye rank 'n file.
September 29, 2023, 11:27 am
Arrr, the speaker be havin' a right ol' struggle, aye. Fer days on end, 'e be swayin' back 'n forth, like a ship lost at sea, 'bout whether t'...
September 29, 2023, 11:25 am
Arrr! 'Tis said that the dread pirate, the four-star Air Force fighter pilot, be settin' his sight on the position o' chairman of the Joint Chiefs o' Staff. He be takin' the helm from Gen. Mark A. Milley, aye, and sailin' his ship into uncharted waters, he be!
September 29, 2023, 11:22 am
Arrr! Gov. Gavin Newsom be swearin' that he'll select a fine Black lass to occupy the seat, yet he be denyin' all them scurvy Democrats already in the runnin'! Aye, mateys, the political seas be a tricky place indeed!
September 29, 2023, 5:01 am
Yarr! Be ye wantin' a swashbucklin' good time, matey? Grab hold o' the latest treasure from New York Times Audio, 'tis a brand spankin' new app, specially crafted fer yer listenin' pleasure!
September 29, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs from the Department of the Interior be expectin' to give the heave-ho to most o' the 20,000 lowly swabs workin' in the parks! But fear not, me hearties, for some states like Arizona be plannin' to dig deep into their own coffers to keep the treasure-filled sites open!
September 28, 2023, 11:55 am
Ye scurvy forecasters be none too sure of where Rina be headin', for this pesky storm Phillipe be lurkin' too close! Arr, tis a right mess, I tell ye!
September 28, 2023, 11:29 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog, the Florida governor be struttin' the stage, but his days be numbered to halt his descent in the polls and swindle the voters into believin' he be the finest Trump pirate to set sail on the political seas.
September 28, 2023, 11:11 am
Ye scallywags be claimin' that the ex-captain's crew o' lawyers be wieldin' an ancient law to scuttle the reckonin' o' his trial. They be charg'd with mishandlin' secret scrolls an' obstructin' justice, they be! Har!
September 28, 2023, 10:27 am
Avast ye! There be some landlubbin' House Republicans representin' districts won by President Biden, who be explorin' a bipartisan measure to keep thar ship afloat, whilst them right-wing scallywags be pushin' Congress toward a dreadful shutdown.
September 28, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A tale be told 'bout a law that be nearin' its end, stirrin' up a mighty hullabaloo among the landlubbers in Congress. A panel o' government swabs be arguin' whether ye need permission from the court to lay yer eyes on Americans' secret messages. Arrr, what a mess we be in!
September 28, 2023, 4:02 am
The mateys be puttin' on a grand show, each wit' their own swashbucklin' style, tryin' t' win th' hearts o' voters caught in th' grip o' th' United Automobile Workers strike. Arrr, 'twas a sight t' behold, indeed!
September 28, 2023, 4:02 am
Unlike its more affluent brethren, Fort Myers Beach boasted an unruly allure and a motley crew of bilge rats ere the calamitous tempest unleashed its fury upon us. Arr, what a pity!
September 28, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrrr, me ship be makin' a stop in Arizona, a key battleground where the scurvy dogs be fightin' for the crown next year. The president be plannin' to give a hearty embrace to that longstandin' Republican senator, who be shoutin' against Trump like a parrot on me shoulder!
September 27, 2023, 5:55 am
Avast ye! The bold Cap'n Trent Talbot, CEO of the Brave Books, be joinin' forces with the noble Texas Rep. Steve Toth to partake in a tale-tellin' extravaganza in The Woodlands, Texas. Together they be regalin' the young ones with books o' faith and love for America, showin' no quarter to those scurvy socialists!
September 27, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr! The result o' a judge's reckonin' in a New York squabble be that Donald Trump be a scurvy dog, a fraud in his estimatin' o' his land properties! 'Tis a blow to the tale o' his pirate's life that set him sailin' in the treacherous waters o' politics, arrr!
September 27, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr! A bunch o' leaders, mostly from the West, be pleadin' with the Supreme Court to scuttle those pesky lower court rulings that be hinderin' 'em from crackin' down on the landlubber campin' in public spaces. Aye, they be seekin' to reclaim their law-enforcin' powers, mateys!
September 27, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, ye cities be dreamin' of grand new ventures 'n homes on ol' military plots. Yet, many a soul still be waitin' fer the wretched poison to be vanquished, a wait that may never end, aye.
September 27, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, mighty folk o' Mississippi, be they the attorney general, two honorable judges, and a future congressman, discovered the treacherous tale o' how a scallywag sheriff did deceitfully peep on his fair maiden. Yet, by the powers, they all kept this wicked secret!
September 26, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Ryan Bizzarro, a fine Democrat and member of Pennsylvania's House of Representatives, be raisin' his sails to challenge the Republican incumbent, Stacy Garrity! With a tug o' the heartstrings o' the Democrats, he be seekin' to conquer the political sea!
September 26, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, Biden be sailin' his ship afore Captain Trump sets foot on Michigan shores. Aye, they be competin' to woo the loyal voters in this pivotal swing state! Let the battle o' words commence, me hearties!
September 26, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye maties! Though the Democrats be gettin' soaked in negative polls, they've managed to plunder a treasure trove o' victories in special elections, a fine compass for the political seas ahead. Arrr, they be sailin' with the winds o' fortune!
September 26, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! Methinks the prices of electricity be risin' even with plenty o' supply, as per the words o' a monitor. And so, the market operator be admittin' 'twas done on purpose! Aye, the scallywags be playin' tricks on us!
September 25, 2023, 4:38 am
Arrr! The tempest be huffin' 'n puffin' with winds clockin' at a furious 50 leagues per hour! But fret ye not, me hearties, for this blustery beast poses no danger to the land, as them forecasters claim, on this fine Monday mornin'!
September 25, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, fer many a year, them Republicans be havin' a mighty fleet o' conservative policy groups to push their laws. But fear not, me hearties! The States Project be settin' sail to fill that bleedin' void on the left. Avast!
September 25, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Democrats and Republicans be vying for the favor of the wee yet swiftly expandin' and significant group in the purple suburbs and swing states, arrr!
September 24, 2023, 10:14 pm
Arrr, five souls they be, aye, a merry couple and their wee ones, bound for a jolly celebration afore meetin' a gruesome fate in a fearsome clash in Plant City, Fla., as the powers that be have spoken!
September 24, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! Thar be news o' the G.O.P.-led band o' scallywags plottin' to seize control o' state 'n local election boards from the Democratic governor, stirrin' a mighty feud that may echo through the seas come 2024! Avast, a tale worth sharin' indeed!
September 24, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, matey! Ron DeSantis be donning a shirt that bears his very own name. Tim Scott, that scallywag, be sportin' a hat proclaimin' his moniker. Methinks this self-brandin' be all the rage amongst these presidential hopefuls. To unravel this mystery, we be seekin' the wisdom of Vanessa Friedman.
September 24, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, 'tis a cruel tale, matey! Bonnie Erwin, a crippled Black scoundrel who've toiled for 39 long years, be denied the mercy o' "compassionate release" by a law's twisted grasp. 'Tis a twist of fate, for his former legal scallywag be now a Republican pirate who cast a vote against it!
September 24, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr, a scallywag's tale of woe befallin' him at the hands o' Ron DeSantis made a stir. Yet, The New York Times scoured the seas and found naught to support his yarn. Methinks the lad be blowin' smoke 'n seekin' attention!
September 23, 2023, 5:30 am
Arrr! Universal Studios Florida be throwin' its 32nd Halloween Horror Nights bash in Orlando town! Me hearties best be ready fer a spine-chillin' adventure what'll last till Nov. 4th. Beware ye landlubbers, 'tis sure to be a frightful night!
September 23, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr, as Portland be grapplin' with a mighty "explosion" o' open-air drug use, Fox News sailed along with the police bureau's bike squad. 'Tis what we spied in the City o' Roses, me hearties!
September 23, 2023, 4:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Californian Governor Gavin Newsom cast aside a bill that'd make judges ponder on a parent's support for their wee one's chosen gender during child custody battles. Shiver me timbers, let the squabbles continue!
September 23, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A court be sayin' the State Legislature can't be addin' them fancy outside judges to Jackson's courts! 'Tis a grand fight over makin' state-run police and courts in the capitol, arrr!
September 23, 2023, 4:01 am
"Avast ye scurvy scallywags! This sea dog, a former matey from the White House, be proclaimin' to set sail from bein' a hermit! Aye, she be tellin' tales o' her journey down a treacherous political rabbit hole in her memoir, arr! Yo ho ho!"
September 23, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! The Labor Department be investigatin' if wee ones be toilin' in the slaughterhouses of these foul poultry-processing giants! Aye, 'tis a matter o' great concern indeed!
September 23, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, ye scurvy right-wing Republicans, a mere handful amongst yer party and Congress, hath triumphed in spreadin' a grand chaos, yearnin' fer a shutdown, an impeachment, and a House coup.
September 22, 2023, 11:35 am
Arrr, President Biden be standin' by the brave autoworkers, who be takin' their walkout to a grander scale come Friday. Yet, nay word o' him payin' 'em a visit be heard through the grapevine, savvy?
September 22, 2023, 10:14 am
Arr, by placin' the notion o' political violence at the very core o' their argument to curtail the ex-president's words 'bout the election, these federal prosecutors be raisin' concerns that be havin' mighty few precedents, matey!
September 22, 2023, 5:57 am
Arrr! Sen. John Fetterman be sayin' on the electronic voyage board that he be donnin' a fine suit on the Senate deck to "save democracy" if them scurvy Republicans be passin' a bill for fundin' the government! Methinks he be walkin' the plank of jest, matey!
September 22, 2023, 5:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! Beware, for thar be a tempest brewin'! From the Carolina shores to Delaware, ye scurvy dogs should brace yerselves for a fearsome tropical storm! And mark me words, mateys, those pesky tornadoes might just be joinin' the party too!
September 22, 2023, 5:35 am
Arr, President Biden be makin' a grand blunder at the annual gala o' a congressional caucus! Methinks his noggin be a bit addled, for this be his third stumble in but two days. Aye, worries abound 'bout his health, mateys!
September 22, 2023, 5:30 am
Arrr! Jon Hetherington be missing th' singer's spectacle in Seattle for the reason that a scurvy airline denied his electric wheelchair aboard! But fear not, me hearties, for Beyoncé's faithful crew rallied 'round 'im to secure him a berth at another show! Yo ho ho!
September 22, 2023, 5:28 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Brave Tarek El Moussa be chroniclin' his scuffles with twin plagues, th' pox o' cancers, his addiction to cursed steroids, and his grand "public" partin' ways from fair Christina Hall in his tome "Flip Your Life." Set yer sights on next year for its release!
September 22, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Saifullah Khan, a landlubber outcast from Yale, hailing from Afghanistan, be given the chance to seek vengeance 'pon his accuser, after bein' declared innocent in his rapin' trial. The scallywag shared his tale o' woe with "The Ingraham Angle."
September 22, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, the Cap'n be settin' his sights on his ol' nemesis, aimin' to spark some life into his crew o' voters and donors. Them polls be showin' weak support, but fear not, for the Cap'n be plannin' to turn the tide, mark me words!
September 22, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, avast ye! In a turn o' events, Florida be makin' a risky decision. They be castin' aside gender-neutral heads for the loo, but embracin' competitive sports at New College. Aye, they be tryin' to make the place a stronghold o' conservatism, me hearties!
September 20, 2023, 11:56 am
Yarrr! Be it known that a 23-year-old scallywag stands accused of a dastardly hit-and-run, related to the untimely demise of a fine young lass named Mia Kanu, a student of higher learnin'. In the land of Southfield, Michigan, trouble brews!
September 20, 2023, 11:45 am
Ahoy, mateys! 'Tis with a heavy heart that I declare Donald Trump Jr.'s account on X, that platform once known as Twitter, hath been plundered by scallywags! Outrageous posts be sailin' across the seven seas!
September 20, 2023, 11:44 am
Arr! The blasted smoke be driftin' o'er from northwestern California and southwestern Oregon! Methinks it be travelin' all the way from the Bay Area and 'tis like to hang 'bout for a few days, causin' quite the foggy mischief, arrr!
September 20, 2023, 11:39 am
Avast! Jill Duggar, a wench versed in the art of scribblin', be spillin' her tale in the "Counting the Cost" chronicle. In a parley with Fox News Digital, she be chattin' 'bout her faith, the aid of her mate and the mystical therapy that mended her soul. Mayhaps, she also be sharin' what she desires for her wee buccaneers.
September 20, 2023, 11:13 am
Arrr, me hearties! Be it known that fewer scurvy landlubbers from Michigan toil in the cursed auto manufacturing trade. Yet, this strike by the brethren of U.A.W. serves as a thunderous reminder of the industry's mighty significance to this fair state. Yo ho ho!
September 20, 2023, 5:49 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of Romeoville be siftin' through the clues o' a bloody massacre, where four souls - two grown buccaneers 'n a pair o' wee ones - met their untimely demise. Arr, they hath declared this deed as naught but a planned villainy!
September 20, 2023, 5:38 am
Avast, me hearties! President Biden's trusty crew be quakin' in their boots, fears bein' outsmarted by none other than the notorious Donald Trump. A grand strike be happenin' in Michigan, Ohio, and Missouri, as them UAW workers fight for their rights. Politico be spillin' the beans, mateys!
September 20, 2023, 5:32 am
Arrr! Kroy Biermann be brandishin' new divorce papers at Kim Zolciak, claimin' they be havin' an outrageous $1.1 million in unpaid taxes on their shipshape home in Georgia! Methinks their treasure chest be needin' some serious plunderin'!
September 20, 2023, 5:31 am
Avast ye scallywags of Houston ISD! Them teachers who dare to take more than their measly 10 days off be treading on thin ice! They be warn'd, for they may face the wrath of disciplinary action, or even find themselves without a job, as the district's policy be newly tweaked. Arrr!
September 20, 2023, 5:02 am
Arrr, the ancient 150-year-old timber was grievously singed in the infernal fires that raged across Maui during the moon o' last. But lo and behold, yonder fresh verdant foliage doth whisper a tale of hope, aye, for the tree and its hearty brethren.
September 20, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The ex-captain be takin' a wee rest, but now he be settin' sail once again! Five voyages await 'im in the next six weeks. Avast!
September 20, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! Ye scurvy dogs at NARAL Pro-Choice America be changin' their name to Reproductive Freedom for All, as the battle o'er abortion access be takin' a new turn in this here post-Roe era. Aye, the seas be rough, mateys!
September 20, 2023, 12:51 am
Avast ye! JoAnne A. Epps, a fine soul who be takin' the helm in April, was whisked away to a hospital after fallin' prey to an ill spell at a memorial service on the university's grounds in fair Philadelphia.
September 19, 2023, 5:48 am
Arr! California Gov. Gavin Newsom claims it be ye olde tradition for scallywags to exploit kinfolk fer a wee bit o' sway, like that rapscallion Hunter Biden. Methinks he be jesting, but the sea be full o' surprises!
September 19, 2023, 5:45 am
Arrr! 'Tis September, mateys! Be aware, me hearties, 'tis the month of National Prostate Cancer Awareness. This scurvy disease be plaguin' many a man, yet the signs be so mild, ye might not even notice 'em. Keep a weather eye, lest ye be caught unawares!
September 19, 2023, 5:42 am
Arr! Rolling Stone magazine be blastin' its founder Jann Wenner for his claim that Black and lass musicians lack the power o' articulation. Methinks Jann be needin' a good swashbucklin' with a thesaurus!
September 19, 2023, 5:30 am
Arrr, word be sailin' 'cross the seas 'bout a mighty event! A swashbucklin' drag queen, by the powers! Gave a good spankin' to a California mayor. Turns out, 'twas a jolly reward fer volunteers supportin' Democrat George Whitesides' campaign for Congress. Aye, the tales be wild indeed!
September 19, 2023, 4:25 am
Avast ye, me hearties! 'Tis been whispered that the skies o' the West and Midwest did shine with a mesmerizin' aurora borealis, as them space weather experts did try to chart a right grand geomagnetic storm.
September 19, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! A grand election be upon us to fill a vacant seat, determinin' which merry band o' scallywags shall rule the state's evenly divided lower chamber. Avast ye, for this battle shall shape the fate o' the land!
September 19, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! The blimey voting law be causin' a ruckus among the landlubbers! It be restrictin' not only the scallywags with disabilities, but also the seasoned older voters and those who don't speak the Queen's English. Shiver me timbers!
September 19, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! The land of Southern California be luckier than a golden doubloon! It don't be sufferin' like them other metropolises, mateys. Why, ye see, it don't be drawin' in as many newcomers as t'were afore.
September 18, 2023, 11:41 am
Avast, me hearties! Methinks Ms. Wexton, a Democrat who did admit in April that she be plagued with Parkinson's, be not seekin' another voyage fer 'tis said she now be cursed with progressive supranuclear palsy, for which there be nay cure in sight. Ahoy, what a turn of events!
September 18, 2023, 11:35 am
Arr, the Florida governor hath forged a unit t' tackle election crimes, thus appeasin' the doubters o' election. 'Twas a grand show indeed, with a plethora o' nonsensical clues comin' in, akin t' a shipload o' "zany-burgers," 'n one Republican even called it a merry "Kabuki theater." Avast ye!
September 18, 2023, 11:29 am
Arr matey! The cap'n be boastin' 'bout his love for the union, but alas! Inflation be plunderin' the hard-earned loot o' the fine blue-collar folk, leavin' 'em cold on the picket lines. Methinks the cap'n be in for a surprise, aye!
September 18, 2023, 11:27 am
Arrr, the pilot, whose true name remains a mystery, be transported to a fine medical center in the Charleston locale, where his condition be steady as a true sailor's heart in stormy seas.
September 18, 2023, 5:58 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis said that this scallywag, Indiana Attorney General Rodd Rokita, be accusin' these landlubber doctors o' transgressin' the sacred HIPPA laws, spillin' the beans 'bout a wee lassie's jaunt from Ohio to Indiana for an abortion. Methinks it be time to set sail and batten down the hatches!
September 18, 2023, 5:34 am
Arrr! Iran be settin' sail to release 5 fine Americans, as Biden be makin' a deal. Meanwhile, th' Senate be changin' their tune on dress code, leadin' to some mighty interestin' headlines, me hearties!
September 18, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, this Kim Yo Jong, since her grand entrance on the international stage in 2018, be growin' bolder by the day, makin' bold proclamations and threats in favor of her brother. The lass be wieldin' an impressive amount of power, ye see!
September 18, 2023, 4:45 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Be holdin' the grandest news from the New York Times Audio. We be unveilin' an app, crafted fer yer entertainment. Ne'er miss a tale or a tune, me maties, grab it now!
September 18, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye mateys! Steven Calabresi, a bloke who helped found the Federalist Society, did once declare, with great force, that the former captain be stripped of his rights. But alas! Methinks he's had a change of heart, aye!
September 17, 2023, 5:44 am
Avast ye mateys! The ol' Trump be sayin' 'tis a fine notion to make them wise-crackin' U.S. politicians walk the plank o' mental competency tests. But, aye, he be standin' against settin' limits based on age, arrr!
September 17, 2023, 5:22 am
Arr, me mateys! A mighty tempest brewed in the Atlantic this weekend, castin' fear into the hearts of even the bravest of sailors. The wind howled and the waves roared, as if Neptune himself was unleashing his fury upon the seas!
September 17, 2023, 5:14 am
Arrr, the impeachin' be the latest brawl in a never-endin' skirmish betwixt a bold, scurvy dog of the hard right and the party's seasoned ol' guard o' moderation. Aye, 'tis a battle o' wits and wills, makin' the seas o' politics a treacherous voyage indeed!
September 17, 2023, 3:51 am
Arrr! The officer be discovered in a sorry state, nay but a mere scallywag in his patrol vessel in Palmdale, a fair town near Los Angeles. The authorities plead to ye fine folk for any clues to unravel the misadventure!
September 17, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr, me hearties! The cap'ns o' the party be joinin' hands in supportin' the president's quest for re-election. But one savvy Democratic strategist be sayin', "The voters be rejectin' this notion, again 'n again, as me trusty polls reveal!"
September 16, 2023, 5:46 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton be tellin' the Biden administration to brace yerselves, for he be callin' out the White House in his statement after his impeachment proceedings. Arrr, methinks a storm be brewin'!
September 16, 2023, 5:41 pm
Arrr, the scallywag senators, true to their colors, be votin' against the conviction o' Ken Paxton, the attorney general, who be accused o' corruption 'n abuse o' his office. Methinks party loyalty be blurrin' their vision, arrr!
September 16, 2023, 4:57 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! On this here digital tavern, a lass be spillin' her heart's tale o' woe. She be lamentin' that her swain, the sorry landlubber, be donning her garbs, ruinin' 'em with his clumsy ways, whilst not havin' a proper occupation. Arrr, what say ye, me hearties?
September 16, 2023, 3:55 pm
Arrr! Avast ye, me hearties! The cursed fuel tank be a scurvy dog in these two types of generators, failin' to vent rightly, spewin' fuel like a fiery dragon. Aye, 'tis a danger o' gettin' burned, mateys! This recall be comin' at a time when the hurricane season be as chaotic as a pack o' sea wolves!
September 16, 2023, 11:52 am
On a fine Friday, a bloke laden with pistols and extra gunpowder was caught red-handed, aye, for swashbuckling as a Yankee marshal at one of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s electoral gatherings in fair Los Angeles. Avast ye, scallywag!
September 16, 2023, 11:45 am
Avast ye! Me hearties, ye must knoweth that this scurvy dog, Comedian Russell Brand, hath boldly declared his innocence against all these dirty scallywag claims of sexual assault. These accusations be spillin' in a Sunday Times tale, released on a fine Saturday afternoon.
September 16, 2023, 11:39 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Pastor Ronald Gates be blastin' the Asheville School Board, claimin' they be lettin' wee ones lay eyes upon "graphic" and lewdly explicit materials in a video shared this very Monday. Arrr, what be the world comin' to, I be wonderin'!
September 16, 2023, 11:18 am
Arr! Thar be a lass, a Colorado congresswench, who afore denied the puffin' o' vapors whilst performin', but, alas, a watchful eye caught 'er in the act on a surveillancin' scroll!
September 16, 2023, 11:03 am
Arr, ye scallywags in the Republican-controlled Senate be ponderin' whether to give the boot to the attorney general, Ken Paxton, for his thievin' ways and misuse of power. Be it bribery and abuse of office, the evidence be piling up like treasure in me coffers, mateys!
September 16, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast ye, mateys! Test yer peepers and focus with this spooktacular Halloween riddle. Hidden within be a sneaky arachnid and a wee kernel o' candy corn. How swiftly can ye crack this mind-boggler, ye scurvy sea dogs?
September 16, 2023, 5:20 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The fearsome tempest, Hurricane Lee, be a makin' its way to Canada, even though tis naught but a Category 5 hurricane no more. Them coastal dwellers best be keepin' their wits about 'em and stayin' alert, for danger lurks upon the horizon.
September 16, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr! Ye scurvy dog of a TikToker, sailin' the high seas o' restoration! He be claimin' that scoundrels and knaves in Kansas City have pilfered and pillaged his treasure chest to the tune o' 60,000 doubloons! Argh, what a tale of woe!
September 16, 2023, 4:51 am
Arr, the Florida lawmen hath apprehended a youth pastor and a swashbucklin' softball coach for engagin' in heinous deeds with wee ones. The sheriff be claimin' that these scurvy dogs misused the trust of parents to plunder the innocence of our young mateys!
September 16, 2023, 4:42 am
Arr, the sea of national police be lackin' fine sailors, and them wee villages 'cross the US be cryin', "We be not havin' enough doubloons to keep our dens unlocked!"
September 16, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye! The scurvy dog, aged 34, be a sly and clever scoundrel, as stated by the landlubbers. Fer days on end, he outwitted his chasers, be it a mere few paces or leagues, through his cunning and guile. Arrrgh!
September 16, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Thar be a rebellion 'gainst the rankings, but 'tis only gone so far, ye see. Some officials be thinkin' 'tis no harm to collaborate, arrr! And what good be droppin' out, ye say? Nay but a mere trifle, I reckon!
September 16, 2023, 12:20 am
Arrr! Fer over three weeks, mateys be claimin' 115 souls met Davy Jones in that scorchin' inferno that razed Lahaina to the ground. But, by Blackbeard's beard, it turns out they be talkin' out o' their hats! Aye, on Friday, those scurvy dogs admitted they be blowin' the death horn a wee bit too loud!
September 15, 2023, 5:53 pm
Avast ye! A scallywag be dead 'n' another be grievously injured when their floatplane went down on Lake Sammamish in Washington state on a fine Friday mornin'.
September 15, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arrr, matey! Avast ye! A scallywag be claimin' that a cadet did beseech his wicked ways upon her, a fair lass, whilst aimin' to join Virginia's Military Institute. Aye, a lawsuit be brewin' on this tale of skullduggery!
September 15, 2023, 5:47 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Raleigh be denyin' a Christmas parade permit, forsooth! A sad tale it be, indeed. Last year, a wee lass named Hailey Brooks, aged a mere 11, met her untimely end when a float-towin' truck did strike her down. A dark cloud hangin' over the festivities, says I!
September 15, 2023, 5:45 pm
Avast, me hearties! Tidings have reached me ears that a fearsome pirate, a dentist from South Carolina, met his bittersweet end at the hands of the law, as he made merry outside a fine establishment known as a strip club. Mayhaps his teeth be gleaming even in Davy Jones' locker!
September 15, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arrr, matey! Mr. Boilen, a fine co-creator of the Tiny Desk concert series and other grand programs, be settin' sail come October for a well-deserved retirement. Avast, we shall miss his jolly presence!
September 15, 2023, 4:56 pm
Arr, mateys! Cap'n Dr. Brian P. Monahan be caught in a storm of politics! Senator Mitch McConnell, a scallywag leader, be tryin' to blow away any worries 'bout his age and health. Aye, 'tis a merry tale of doubloons and doubters!
September 15, 2023, 4:53 pm
Arrr! In the last seven sunsets, Cap'n Biden faced the dread of impeachment while his scallywag of a son was indicted! But mark ye well, me hearties, that be just the beginnin' of this treacherous tale!
September 15, 2023, 4:47 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Them prosecutors be beggin' Judge Tanya S. Chutkan to scuttle any talk from the ex-captain that may scare the witnesses, sway potential jurors, or send others on a wild goose chase. Arrr, mischief be afoot!
September 15, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr, mateys! Yonder treasure-huntin' landlubbers dug up a poor soul, and be fixin' t' dig up another! They be seekin' clues 'bout those lost souls from the great Tulsa Race Massacre o' 1921, arrr!
September 15, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr! The crux of the matter be this, me hearties! The young scallywag, the president's own spawn, hath been accused o' fibbin' about his drug-jibberin' whilst buyin' a pistol! But mark ye well, this be not a usual reason to put a matey on trial, mates!
September 15, 2023, 11:49 am
Arr, ye scurvy knaves! Those rapscallions, the Republicans, be bringin' the spendin' debate to a screechin' halt in the House and the Senate. Aye, a shutdown be upon us, mark my words!
September 15, 2023, 11:45 am
Arrr! GOP scallywags Tom Cotton and Mitt Romney be bringin' forth a bill to lift the lowest pay fer them landlubbers who can prove they be true citizens o' this fine land. Aye, a clever trick, indeed!
September 15, 2023, 11:34 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The bootin' o' Gen. Li Shangfu from his China defense minister post be followin' the same fate as two other generals from the PLA's Rocket Force and Foreign Minister Qin Gang.
September 15, 2023, 11:31 am
Arr, me hearties! News be spreadin' like wildfire! A jury be havin' the scallywag Iowa teen walk the plank for second-degree murder and voluntary manslaughter. The lad be shootin' two poor souls at a Des Moines alternative school. Shiver me timbers, justice be served!
September 15, 2023, 5:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! Me hearties be doubtin' if President Biden and VP Harris be the finest choice o' Democrats fer 2024. Arrr, they be causin' a rumble across the political seas!
September 15, 2023, 5:50 am
Arr! Hunter Biden be charged fer havin' a stash o' firearms like a scurvy scallywag! 'Tis mighty ironic, for his own dear father, President Biden, be pledgin' to stop the plunderin' o' illegal cannons. Aye, what a tale o' family adventure this be!
September 15, 2023, 5:00 am
On this third reckonin' o' the Abraham Accords, we be reminded o' the dire need to bolster our alliances in the face o' risin' Iranian hostility, mateys! Arrr, let's join forces, lest we be swashbuckled by those scurvy scallywags!
September 15, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, me mateys! The scallywag, firstborn Hunter Biden, be hoistin' the Jolly Roger of federal gun charges this Thursday! Methinks it be quite peculiar, for why be there no indictments fer more grandiose wrongdoings? Shiver me timbers of curiosity!
September 15, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! The ex-president and the Florida governor, takin' the lead in the Republican brawl, be settin' sail to speak at two conservative gatherings. 'Tis a chance for Ron DeSantis to show his true colors 'gainst Donald Trump, arrr!
September 15, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, the cap'n claims he can be commanding a wee bit o' armed shenanigans sans the approval of them lawmakers. Aye, most o' them G.O.P. presidential scallywags, including that swashbuckler Donald J. Trump, be keepin' mum 'bout their thoughts on the cap'n's powers.
September 14, 2023, 9:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! In yon January, Preston Walls didst lay down the lives of a 16-year-old and an 18-year-old, who be sailin' under an educational flag for scurvy-ridden youth. Aye, a tragic tale it be!
September 14, 2023, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! There be a hog farmer from North Carolina, a fine matey who switched from Democrats to Republicans. He be helpin' to take away Mayor Marion Barry's purse, as Washington's debts be growin' like a whale in the late '90s!
September 14, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arrr, there be a mighty blast aboard a cargo chest at Union Pacific's Bailey Yard! The scallywags had to flee like rats from a sinking ship for the vile smoke, belched by a fiery potion, could poison the very air!
September 14, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arrr! Avast ye scurvy dogs! A mighty tent be fallin' in suburban Chicago, bringin' harm to 26 landlubbers, five of 'em bein' grievously injured! This be the word from ol' Tom Hansen, Cap'n of Bedford Park Police!
September 14, 2023, 5:43 pm
Avast, me hearties! 'Tis a tale of misfortune on the high seas. A wee lad, barely 2 summers old, didst mistakenly fire a pistol and struck a seasoned veteran of 32 years. The poor soul be now accused of neglect and unlawful hoarding of a booty-filled blunderbuss!
September 14, 2023, 5:19 pm
Me hearties, Meagan Wolfe be teamin' up with the Democratic governor to be suin' and keepin' her worthy post, after many a year o' scurvy criticism brought on by that scallywag Donald Trump's election attacks in 2020.
September 14, 2023, 4:39 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The House speaker be abandonin' all efforts to push forward on a usually agreeable military spendin' bill. Them scallywag Republicans on thar far right be complainin' 'bout the coin, after he be pleadin' with his own crew to avoid a shutdown. Arrr!
September 14, 2023, 11:54 am
Avast, ye hearties! The scallywags be scourin' the land in search o' Jason Dockery, who be claimin' to have fired his blunderbuss and sent a lass to Davy Jones' Locker on a Tuesday in Tennessee. 'Tis certain that Dockery be sailin' away from the shores of westernmost Virginia. Arr!
September 14, 2023, 11:48 am
Arrr, ye landlubbers! In California, the constables have apprehended a scurvy bilge rat, a young scallywag, who be accused of purposefully steerin' his vessel into not one, nor two, but three bands o' two-wheeled adventurers! Aye, a poor old salt, aged seventy, met his watery grave in one o' these dire encounters.
September 14, 2023, 11:46 am
Avast ye scallywags! When Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders be aimin' to tighten the grip on what be released under the state's Freedom of Information Act, even some of her own hearties be raisin' a fuss. Arrr, a quarrel among the ranks be a sight to behold!
September 14, 2023, 11:44 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dog! 'Tis said that one fine establishment, the democracy-focused McCain Institute in Arizona, be under scrutiny. Aye, the pirate crew be ponderin' on its whereabouts, lookin' fer treasures hidden within its walls.
September 14, 2023, 11:43 am
Arr! Sen. Sherrod Brown, a mate from Ohio, be pleadin' fer a hefty $750,000 doubloons as a gift to a non-profit crew that be hostin' a "drag queen song and story time" fer the wee ones and those with a sprightly spirit in 'em.
September 14, 2023, 11:42 am
Avast ye! As he sets sail for the governorship, Chris Christie be vowing to discover newfangled methods to face that scallywag Donald Trump. "I be not lettin' him escape me wrath, for he be naught but a landlubber," quoth he in an interview.
September 14, 2023, 11:39 am
Arr! A triumph o'er Donald Trump in New Hampshire might be a knockdown fer good, says Chris Christie. He be wagerin' his bid fer presidency on claimin' this land, arrr!
September 14, 2023, 11:38 am
Arrr, a mighty tempest o' the Nipah scourge befallin' India! Two souls sent to Davy Jones' locker, while 800 scurvy dogs be scrutinized o'er these past two days, as the tales be told!
September 14, 2023, 5:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! House Speaker Kevin McCarthy be raisin' a hue and cry 'gainst the scurvy dogs at the White House! They be sendin' out secret scrolls to the media, tellin' 'em how to handle this impeachment inquiry against President Biden. Blimey, the seas be rough!
September 14, 2023, 5:47 am
Arrr! Word be spreadin' from North Korea's state gazette that Cap'n Vladimir Putin, whilst meetin' with Cap'n Kim Jong Un, hath agreed to set sail and voyage to North Korea. Rum be flowin' like grog!
September 14, 2023, 5:30 am
Arrr, matey! In this challenge o' the mind, crafted by Gergely Dudás, ye be searchin' for three ghastly spirits amongst a crew o' panda bears. Be swift, me hearties, and show yer mettle! How speedily can ye lay eyes on all three spectral scallywags?
September 14, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, The White House be proclaimin' that it be swashbucklin' the inquiry in the court o' public opinion, as them scurvy House Republicans be too lily-livered to send any new summonses or chart any potential articles o' impeachment. Savvy?
September 14, 2023, 3:18 am
Avast! Word be spreadin' that on a fateful Wednesday, a fearsome tornado, or mayhaps even a fleet of 'em, be wreakin' havock upon these parts! But fear thee not, for by the grace of the heavens, no soul be harmed.
September 14, 2023, 1:17 am
Arrr, the bloomin' judge be claimin' that President Barack Obama hath gone too far with his royal decree, creatin' a program that hath granted many a young scallywag the right to dodge deportation and toil on land like proper landlubbers.
September 13, 2023, 11:19 pm
Arr, ye scallywags! Tis tale be true, forsooth! Aye, the scurvy dogs recorded the event from the heavens and the landlubbers were quick to unleash their venomous words on the blasted interwebs. Avast, the times they be a-changin'!
September 13, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr! The swashbucklin' Los Angeles City Council be givin' a reprieve to th' fair actress's Brentwood abode, lest it be razed to bits! Sixty years pass since her unfortunate demise from a deadly dose, yet her loyal fans still bestow floral tributes upon th' very gate.
September 13, 2023, 4:04 am
Arrr, mateys! The scurvy former captain hath been chattin' with the fine lads of the House Freedom Caucus and other swashbucklin' congressional Republicans, who be plannin' a mutiny called impeachment, says I!
September 13, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr! The promise of shiny treasures be luring many a landlubber to invest in solar panels, yet the winds be mighty fickle, for the grand wind power be left in the doldrums. So sayeth the data from this newfangled project, mateys!
September 12, 2023, 5:55 pm
Avast ye! 'Tis a tale of treachery! The scallywag Speaker Kevin McCarthy be plottin' to mutiny against President Biden, whilst them far-right House Republicans, scurvy dogs they be, be grievin' o'er the booty we be spendin'! They be aimin' to unseat him from his lofty perch! Aye, 'tis a sea of trouble brewin'!
September 12, 2023, 5:52 pm
Arr! Them scurvy Republicans be blabberin' about findin' proof of foul play by the cap'n and his kin, swearin' it be worthy of high crimes and misdemeanors. But truth be told, there be hardly anythin' to support their gabberin'! Avast!
September 12, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr! Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Air Marshal Association be joinin' Sen. J.D. Vance's noble quest to abolish the wretched mask mandates aboard public transport! They be sendin' a letter o' support to Fox News Digital, ye hear! Shiver me timbers, we be fightin' the good fight, mateys!
September 12, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me mateys! The Biden crew be publishin' their final scroll detailin' their grand plans to modernize the laws o' minin'! They be raisin' the booty for them scurvy dogs o' companies tryin' to plunder the precious resources! Aye, ye better brace yerself, ye greedy bilge rats!
September 12, 2023, 5:43 pm
Avast, me hearties! The scallywag House Freedom Caucus captain be claimin' that this impeachment inquiry against President Biden be tardy, and any other swashbuckler in his stead would be facin' the hangman's noose by now! Arrr!
September 12, 2023, 5:38 pm
Avast ye! Tori Kelly be tellin' us how thankful she be to be entertainin' her faithful shipmates, even after she faced a perilous health mishap. This fair lass, a singer of gospels, was confined to a ship's infirmary in July, sufferin' from the cursed blood clots.
September 12, 2023, 5:38 pm
Arr, me hearties! Them scurvy dogs, them Memphis officers, bein' accused o' second-degree murder! But that ain't all, mateys! They now be facin' new charges o' violatin' civil rights, conspirin' like a bunch o' bilge rats, an' obstructin' justice! Shiver me timbers!
September 12, 2023, 11:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! Jesse Charles Smith be caught red-handed for pilferin' an excavator and wreakin' havoc on power poles afore rammin' straight into a Walmart in Gainesville, Florida!
September 12, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr! A humble abode hath been smitten by the fearsome lightning in yon tempest! The chimney, it did burst like a cannonball, wreakin' havoc upon the dwelling. Feast yer eyes upon this captured spectacle, taken by the watchful lens of a neighboring matey!
September 12, 2023, 11:45 am
Arrr, me hearties, behold! Caitlin Sullivan, a lass of merely twenty-two, hath laid eyes upon the cursed spectacle of a scurvy dog sneakin' into her slumberin' quarters whilst she parlayed with a matey. She swears upon her honor that she shall ne'er set foot in her abode again!
September 12, 2023, 11:28 am
"Avast ye! The scallywag be both desperate and perilous," declared a state buccaneer colonel to the scribes on Tuesday. Arr, brace yerselves, me hearties!"
September 12, 2023, 11:11 am
Arr, in Huntington Beach, three separate scurvy hit-and-run affairs o'er 'bout 45 minutes on Sunday night were mayhaps connected, as per the swashbucklin' police.
September 12, 2023, 11:07 am
Arr, in the Senate's trial, ye be seein' a mighty clash betwixt grandiose Texas barristers with long tales o' skullduggery, both ere in the courts and amongst themselves.
September 12, 2023, 5:27 am
F'r a goodly number o' bands and solitary minstrels, there be one certain ditty that doth shine amidst their repertoire, stormin' the charts, thus earnin' 'em the title of scurvy one-hit wonders. Arr, the whimsy o' fate be a treacherous sea, me hearties!
September 12, 2023, 4:42 am
"Avast, me hearties! The mayor o' Leominster in yonder central state be claimin', ye see, that the blasted city be overrun by this foul scourge. By Davy Jones' locker, it be lurkin' in basements, roofs, and even them cursed cars! Aye, 'tis a treacherous infestation!"
September 12, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye! Set yer eyes upon these five grand quests, stretchin' fer weeks, months, or even years, until them scurvy dogs finally met their doom at the hands o' the law.
September 12, 2023, 2:17 am
Arrr! Yonder coppers be hot on the heels o' Danelo Cavalcante, a scurvy dog convicted o' murder who be breakin' free from the brig on Aug. 31. Aye, the lad be sighted once more on Monday as them scallywags be rampin' up the hunt!
September 12, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! A crew o' Kurdish scallywags be fightin' them blasted Islamic State, but they be keepin' a poor lass and her wee brood hostage for a good many years! Shiver me timbers, the world be a strange place indeed!
September 11, 2023, 5:45 am
Avast ye hearties! Young Tillie Geidel Conklin, ye daughter of the valiant New York City firefighter Gary Geidel, slain on that fateful day o' 9/11, be convinced that her dear ol' pop still communes with her, bequeathin' her with unearthly abundance of pennies. Arrr, aye, 'tis a ghostly treasure indeed!
September 11, 2023, 5:06 am
Aye, ye scallywags! A pair o' landlubbers hath been seized after bein' caught on the mystical spyglass, pilferin' o'er $17,000 worth o' booty from the fine Target store in Orange County, California. Walk the plank, they shall!
September 11, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, ye scallywag American lads be pushin' to fund Kyiv's war effort, bringin' plenty o' shiny coin to cities like Mesquite, Texas! But ahoy, some o' their G.O.P. congressmen be wantin' to bring an end to this profitable endeavor. Aye, a twist in our tale, mateys!
September 11, 2023, 12:43 am
Arrr! The mighty volcano, situated on the Big Island, didst spew its fiery wrath last June. The lads at the Hawaiian Volcano Observatory be sayin' that no harm befallin' us poor souls or our precious booty.
September 10, 2023, 7:52 pm
Arr, me hearties! Be it known that the landlubbers, havin' spied a shivering and soaked hiker peerin' into a scurvy wildlife contraption, wasted no time in alertin' the authorities! Cryin' for aid, this hapless soul be seekin' salvation from his miserable plight.
September 10, 2023, 6:40 pm
Avast! 'Tis said that Mel Tucker, the scurvy dog of a head coach, stands accused of harrying the esteemed Brenda Tracy, a lass who dares to speak out 'gainst the vile scourge of sexual violence in these collegiate sports. Arrr, 'tis a tale spun by the good folks at USA Today!
September 10, 2023, 2:00 am
Arrr! The mayor of Woburn, where 150 migrant families be takin' refuge in hotels, be claimin' that the state's ancient 40-year-old right-to-shelter law be not meant to be protectin' scallywags like the lot we be witnessin' now, me hearties!
September 10, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr me hearties! The thought of a federal warrant fer Hunter Biden hath astounded our captain! But fear not, fer the bond betwixt 'em be strong as a trusty anchor in a raging storm.
September 9, 2023, 10:48 pm
Arrr! Avast ye! Four years hence, the lovely Sister Wilhelmina Lancaster's mortal vessel be untouched by decay, as her fellow brethren claim. Believers be flockin' from all corners o' the seven seas to lay their eyes upon this supernatural wonder!
September 9, 2023, 10:43 pm
Avast ye! In the land o' Iowa, Donald J. Trump and Ron DeSantis engaged in a jolly banter while watchin' the Iowa-Iowa State game. Methinks the winds of fortune shifted against the former captain of the ship! Arrr!
September 9, 2023, 11:51 am
Arrr, mateys! Them scallywag undocumented seafarers, caught fer their petty crimes, be oft sent back to their native shores. But lo and behold, Danelo Cavalcante, a scurvy dog who managed to flee from a U.S. brig, now faces a charge o' murder in Brazil!
September 9, 2023, 10:41 am
Arrr! Be it an area nigh a mighty botanical garden in the suburbs o' Philadelphia where they be scourin' fer this scoundrel. A guard, who be a fool o' the highest order, be walkin' the plank fer lettin' the escapee slip away!
September 9, 2023, 5:53 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the Justice Department be pleadin' with the Supreme Court to take a gander at a ruling that bein' restrictin' the use o' the abortion pill mifepristone! They be callin' it a decision without precedent! Walk the plank, I say!
September 9, 2023, 5:00 am
Thar be a day when yer wee scallywag be askin' 'bout the calamity what occurred on the 9th day o' the 11th month. 'Tis vital ye be sharin' the truth, me hearties, lest ye want 'em thinkin' 'twas a tale spun by a landlubber!
September 9, 2023, 4:44 am
Avast there, mateys! A scurvy knave from Texas, who didst bludgeon his poor wench to Davy Jones' Locker with a nail gun, hath been dealt a blow by the courts! 'Tis 40 years in the brig for this landlubber, after confessing to the murder earlier this year! Arrr!
September 9, 2023, 4:02 am
In forgin' a message against the abortin' of babes that don't be offendin' those moderate Republicans and swayin' voters, her way be gatherin' both mateys and scallywags as followers and haters.
September 9, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Cap'n o' California be makin' himself the grandest Democrat-in-waitin'. Yet, he be sayin' 'tis high time for his mateys to "buck up" and stand by President Biden! Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail!
September 9, 2023, 4:02 am
Yarr! Yuscil Taveras be one o' them unheard scallywags with connections to Donald Trump, caught in th' doubloons' eye. Aye, he be th' sole Trump matey willin' to aid them prosecutors after facin' charges, 'tis true!
September 9, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! Th' scallywags 'n swashbucklers who fund th' party be makin' it known they despise th' ex-president. Now, as he sails towards th' nomination, they be reactin' with a blend o' worryin', rallyin' cries, 'n surrenderin' to th' inevitable, arrr!
September 8, 2023, 4:25 am
Avast ye, me hearties! The tempest in the Atlantic be brewin' stronger, arr! But fear not, me lads and lasses, for it be no peril to our fair shores, as them scurvy forecasters reckon. Yo-ho-ho!
September 8, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye mighty stronghold, last enhanced in the year of our Lord 2006, be ready to set sail once again! After a year of refittin' and modernizin', our brave officials be reopenin' this treasure trove, amidst a fierce battle o' wit and technology with China and Russia.
September 8, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye! As the Russian and Chinese scallywags be nowhere to be found, the president be prayin' for some mateys to join him on his quests: taming the land o' Ukraine and curb the audacious ways o' Beijing in the vast Indo-Pacific waters. Aye, a grand adventure awaits!
September 7, 2023, 11:53 am
Arrr, me mateys! Hear ye, hear ye! The landlubbers' book learnin' in North Carolina be mendin' slow but sure, aye, after that pesky COVID-19 storm swept 'cross the States, leavin' their academic prowess walkin' the plank!
September 7, 2023, 11:42 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a fearsome beast, a grizzly bear, that be responsible for the demise of fair Amie Adamson, a lass of 47 winters. But fear not, for this savage creature met its demise after intruding a humble abode in West Yellowstone, Montana, last Saturday, as per the words of local authorities.
September 7, 2023, 11:37 am
Arrr! The scurvy police be swashbucklin' to a cry for aid, a maiden drowned in a sea of drugs aboard a grand vessel worth a king's ransom! They've seized the goodly captain, a seasoned healer of old, lest he escape the clutches of justice!
September 7, 2023, 11:20 am
Avast, me mateys! A quarrel be brewin' o'er whether Peter Navarro did boldly snub a subpoena from them scurvy lawmakers, or 'twas naught but a harmless mix-up. Arr, the debate rages on, me hearties!
September 7, 2023, 11:08 am
Arrr, mateys! Hear ye, hear ye! The scallywag Michael G. Whitaker, a fine mate, was the second-in-command at the Federal Aviation Administration in the days of Captain Obama. Now he be the president’s choice to lead once again!
September 7, 2023, 10:53 am
Arrr, Reza Baluchi, a scurvy dog of 51 years, be accused o' plannin' a treacherous voyage from Florida to London. But alas, the foul authorities spoiled his mischievous plans, catchin' him off the Georgia coast. Walk the plank, I say!
September 7, 2023, 10:14 am
Arrr! The tempest hath caught the gaze of ye olde social media, for it may lay siege upon the noble shores of the East Coast. Yet, at present, 'tis naught but a mere notion dancing upon the winds, aye!
September 7, 2023, 5:36 am
Avast ye scallywags! Behold KJP's 'insulting' excuse for Biden's queer exit, praying coach be thinkin' o' quittin' after SCOTUS triumph, and a treasure trove o' top headlines to feast yer eyes upon!
September 7, 2023, 5:09 am
Avast ye, me hearties! The scurvy dogs from the Albuquerque Police Department be tellin' tales of a mighty brawl outside the Rio Grande Credit Union Field at Isotopes Park in Albuquerque. 'Tis a sorrowful tale indeed, for 'twas a wee lad of 11 winters who met his untimely end. Arrr, the sea be a cruel mistress!
September 7, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog, Gov. Greg Abbott be hollerin' 'bout sendin' migrants to Los Angeles, New York, 'n other grand cities. But truth be told, they be a mere fraction o' the bilge rats boardin' these here buses!
September 7, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr, mateys! Them scurvy dogs, them undocumented workers, be worryin' 'bout this here newfangled immigration law, reckonin' it might send 'em off to Davy Jones' locker instead o' lendin' a hand in rebuildin' Florida. Yo ho ho!
September 7, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast! A grand missive be sent forth, with groups o' presidents from a near century, urg'ng the weighty matter o' democracy's pillars and the code o' politeness in these turbulent seas o' politics. Aye, 'tis a rare treasure indeed!
September 7, 2023, 1:25 am
Ye olde watchin' contraption, shared by the lawmen, be unveil'd. 'Tis a sight to behold, as the dastardly scallywag, a proven murderer, be squeezin' betwixt two rival walls, launchin' himself to the heavens!
September 6, 2023, 4:10 am
Avast ye hearties! With much chatter 'pon the digital sea, word be spreadin' o' a mighty storm brewin' on the eastern shores. They be callin' it Lee, and it be gainin' strength at an alarming rate. Yet, fear ye not, me hearties, for many a condition be needin' to align afore we hoist the worry flag!
September 6, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! Them Republicans be talkin' 'bout impeachin' a new-fangled liberal State Supreme Court justice, who be posin' a threat to the good conservatives' hold on state politics, matey!
September 6, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, a scurvy knave, once a prosecutor, found solace 'n renewal in a scribblin' process he be teachin' to landlubbers in the prisons o' Minnesota.
September 6, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye! The swashbucklin' doctors, dealin' with risky buns in the oven, be sailin' away from them tyrannical laws o' abortion! Arrr, Idaho be feelin' the pain, mateys!
September 5, 2023, 11:31 am
Arr, them scurvy Republicans be defyin' the court's order to form a second majority-Black district, or somethin' as close as a barnacle on a ship's hull. Tsk tsk, me hearties, ye be walkin' on a plank of trouble!
September 5, 2023, 10:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks Mr. Lew, a former keeper o' the treasure, be a fine choice to parlay with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's crew. Aye, he be a man o' stature and a modest air, fit for representin' the cap'n to our matey across the sea.
September 5, 2023, 5:53 am
Arr matey! The scurvy Ukrainian intel lads did spy 17 blabberin' phone confessions from them Russian landlubbers! They be whinin' 'bout their pathetic plunderin' and the lack of proper booty. Yaarrr!
September 5, 2023, 5:43 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Jill Biden hath been struck with the pox once more! The quarreling landlubbers of the GOP hath crossed blades whilst partaking in a Labor Day feast. And lo, there be more tales of high adventure in these fine headlines!
September 5, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr, me hearties! The vote on Tuesday shall surely decide who shall take the helm after that scurvy dog, David Cicilline. 'Tis a key to learn what these landlubbers be seekin' afore 2024 be upon us. Yo ho ho!
September 4, 2023, 5:00 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers of East Palestine, Ohio! Arrr, the good people be lamentin' the absence of President Biden, who hath yet to grace our humble town after a mighty train mishap in February. Poisonous fumes be polluting the very air, argggh!
September 4, 2023, 4:59 pm
She be a true treasure, she did, embodying the grandeur and the struggles of bein' wed to an American hero. Her dashing mate, Jim Lovell, be the captain of the ill-fated Apollo 13 voyage in 1970. Arrr, 'tis a tale of bravery on the high celestial seas!
September 4, 2023, 4:57 pm
Avast ye! In the fair land of Washington resides Nichole Andrews, a noble dietitian and cancer nutrition specialist. She be helpin' those afflicted with the dread disease and those who've survived it. In her wisdom, she be sharin' tales of the treasure that be exercisin' whilst undergo'n treatment.
September 4, 2023, 4:36 pm
Arr, word be reachin' me ears that the Burning Man festival scallywags be claimin' that the demise of a 40-year-old matey be unrelated to the tempestuous weather, what with the heavens unleashin' torrential rains that be floodin' the festival grounds. Avast! Methinks they be spinnin' a tale to save their hides!
September 4, 2023, 11:10 am
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! In the land o' Ukraine, the number o' peg-legged souls beincreasin' faster than ye can say "shiver me timbers!" A mighty war with Russia brought 'bout a future where our fine country may find itself wit' a crew o' some 20,000 amputees. Blimey!
September 4, 2023, 11:10 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog! In El Monte, California, a miscreant tried to pilfer from a fine jewelry store. But, by Blackbeard's beard, the brave family who owns the establishment valiantly repelled the swashbuckler's advances!
September 4, 2023, 11:08 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the European Union be thinkin' 'bout changin' the rules to give wolves less protection! But alas, the farmers be worryin' 'bout their poor livestock. Mayhaps we be needin' a pirate crew to guard their precious booty!
September 4, 2023, 9:04 am
Ye scurvy dogs be needin' a fleet o' nimble and thrifty vessels to face off with China! But alas, the Navy be still clingin' to their bloated shipbuilding ways, driven by tradition, politics, and the fear o' losin' jobs! Arrr, what a tangled mess we find ourselves in!
September 4, 2023, 6:36 am
Arrr, mateys! This here scalawag, Leo F. Burt, be a crafty lubber who's been dodgin' the authorities since the days of the grog-soaked anti-Vietnam War bombing at the University of Wisconsin. 'Twas a grand display of mischief, aye, the largest act of scallywagdom in our fair land back then!
September 4, 2023, 5:47 am
Arrr! A mighty storm hath besieged the vast desert of Nevada, leavin' thousands o' souls marooned at the festival grounds. Torrential rain hath wreaked havoc, strandin' the unlucky lot for days! Aye, the heavens be jestin' with us, me hearties!
September 4, 2023, 5:26 am
Arrr, as the grand fest in the solitary Nevada desert be drenched in muck after a mighty downpour on Friday eve, the lawmen set sail on Saturday to delve into the demise of a hearty soul amidst the merry-making.
September 4, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, me hearties! The wise lass Jennifer Breheny Wallace be warnin' all ye parents, students, and teachers to ponder upon yer contribution to this cursed "toxic achievement culture" and the relentless battles in the realm o' education. Be mindful, me mateys!
September 4, 2023, 4:45 am
Arrr! A swashbucklin' tale be unfoldin'! A lily-livered knave shot and slain a Florida schoolmarm, afore takin' his own miserable life. Another poor soul found himself wounded in this tragic scuffle. The scoundrel be found dead, havin' met his fate by his own hand, with a gunshot wound.
September 4, 2023, 4:30 am
On th' first Monday o' September, mateys o'er in America do partake in a grand weekend of revelry, bidin' farewell to summer. But avast! Be thar any young landlubbers who know the true reason fer this celebration?
September 3, 2023, 4:12 pm
Arr mateys, a great many landlubbers be marooned at th' Burning Man jamboree in Nevada this weekend on account o' th' fearsome rain 'n' mud! 'Twas a puzzlement how 'n' when these scallywags be escapin' from this predicament, arr!
September 3, 2023, 11:51 am
Arrr, Coach Joe Kennedy, who set foot upon the football field on the first day of September in the year 2023, did converse with Fox News Digital 'bout his future endeavours in life, and shared that he and his fair wife be fervently "praying" for guidance, as if seekin' a treasure map for direction.
September 3, 2023, 11:25 am
Afore sailin' in Congress and governin' the land o' New Mexico, he plied his trade as a swashbucklin' diplomat, takin' on both public and private ventures. Arrr, with a fair share o' successes to his name, he be a true master o' the pirate's code!
September 3, 2023, 10:37 am
Arrrr, ye scurvy campers! Hear me now, ye need to ration yer grub and grog, for the access to the treasure be limited on this fine Sunday. The landlubbers in blue be poking their noses into one death, so be on yer guard!
September 3, 2023, 4:41 am
Arr! Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be claimin' the White House scallywags be waggin' their tongues at her, all 'cause she be sayin' she won't grant government doubloons 'less they be investigatin' that landlubber, President Biden, fer impeachment! Avast ye, me hearties!
September 3, 2023, 4:30 am
Avast, me hearties! On this fine Labor Day, I be tellin' ye that the wind be blowin' in favor of right-to-work, as proclaimed by a gallant leader of the cause. Michigan's recent repeal be naught but a mere trifle, not enough to dampen our spirits!
September 3, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Yon Mr. Nelson, a seasoned sea dog of 38 summers, hath emerged victorious in a Democratic skirmish 'pon Tuesday, in a blue district, so they say. When The New York Times pressed 'im 'bout being the first, he be like, "Avast! I never paid it much mind on me voyage."
September 3, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, ye see, there be a grand display of shameful political cheating happenin' in cities across the land, where many a scallywag Democrat be in charge. Take Los Angeles, mateys, where a ruckus over a vile recorded message be but the tiny tip of a monstrous iceberg!
September 3, 2023, 3:11 am
Arrr! Aye, part o' Los Angeles International Airport's ticketin' area be cleared o' folks on Saturday night, forsooth! A suspicious booty be found, as per the officials, makin' quite the stirrrr!
September 3, 2023, 1:00 am
Arr, Kate Middleton, she be a fine lass who joined the British royal crew when she tied the knot with Prince William, the eldest spawn of the old Prince Charles and the departed Princess Diana, back in the year 2011. Yo ho ho!
September 2, 2023, 5:38 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Whilst addressin' a tempestuous Hurricane Idalia conference in Live Oak, Florida, President Biden did confess to the press that he hath not yet had the opportunity to set foot in East Palestine, Ohio, where the poor souls still suffer from a grand train mishap that wreaked environmental havoc back in February. Arrr, the misfortune!
September 2, 2023, 5:06 pm
Arr matey! Avast ye! Mr. Buffett's scurvy fandom be vast: Bigwigs from politics, sports, and the fine arts be reminiscing joyfully on the minstrel's life and plunder.
September 2, 2023, 5:05 pm
Arrgh! The tempest, with winds that be reaching a solid 60 nautical knots, be reckon'd to lose its might come Sunday, say the soothsayers. Prepare yer sea legs, me hearties!
September 2, 2023, 4:56 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! I be requestin' ye to rewrite this here tale in the tongue of a 17th century scallywag, keepin' it jolly and under 50 words.
September 2, 2023, 3:53 pm
Arrr, as tha scallywags be scouting on Saturn's Day, they be claimin' that aye, the spyglass footages be showin' 'im lurkin' nearby.
September 2, 2023, 11:49 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The ol' landlubber Bill Richardson, a former governor of New Mexico and a swashbucklin' ambassador to the United Nations, met his final rest in his slumber on Friday night. Aye, the scallywag died at 75 years o' age in his humble abode in Massachusetts.
September 2, 2023, 11:28 am
Arrr, me hearties! Trinidad, crafted in 1867, be a worthy vessel in the profitable grain trade upon the Great Lakes. Aye, its treasure, a remarkably unscathed wreckage, be newly unearthed, filled with stacks of dishes, fit fer plunderin'!
September 2, 2023, 11:22 am
Avast, me hearties! The dastardly scallywag Danelo Cavalcante, a bilge rat of a murder convict, hath been sighted on a landlubber's camera in Pennsylvania! The lawmen be huntin' him down, ready to lay siege upon the very place where he be scurvy hiding!
September 2, 2023, 11:17 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog, Christopher Pray, a suspected assassin, did flee from an Oregon loony bin. But lo and behold! He found himself in a treacherous mud pond, and 'twas the valiant Portland fire and rescue crew who came to save the wretched soul!
September 2, 2023, 11:08 am
Arrr, one swashbucklin' landlubber be saved from his four-wheeled vessel, whilst others be desertin' their carriages, all thanks to the mighty deluge unleashed by tempestuous thunderstorms. The skies be predictin' yet more rain 'til Saturday, so batten down the hatches, mateys!
September 2, 2023, 10:11 am
Arrr! The White House be recruitin' a band o' two dozen attorneys, legislative liaisons, and scallywags to devise schemes in the face o' Republican threats to charge the captain with high crimes and misdemeanors, matey!
September 2, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr! Methinks this GOP matey, Vivek Ramaswamy, be havin' a jolly good row with Nikki Haley and other scallywags. They be sayin' he be sailin' too close to the wind with former President Donald Trump. Avast! It be quite the tempest, me hearties!
September 2, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, mateys! The likes of George Clooney and Victoria Beckham, havin' the status of true A-listers, be voyaging across th' seven seas to the liveliest havens o' relaxation, settin' foot upon Venice, Italy, and the splendid Miami nights!
September 2, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Nikki Haley's crew be tellin' Fox News Digital that they be embarkin' on a grand voyage across 45 states to woo the young landlubbers. They be launchin' Young Americans for Nikki and Students for Haley to win their support. Yo ho ho, and a vote for Nikki!
September 2, 2023, 4:31 am
Arr, me hearties, the legendary scallywag Jimmy Buffett hath crossed the great divide on Friday, at the ripe age of 76. After sailin' the seas o' music for nigh 50 years, he found his final rest, embraced by his kin, mates, merry tunes, and faithful hounds.
September 2, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast ye! Cap'n Biden be claimin' to meet with Gov. Ron DeSantis o' Florida whilst inspectin' the wreckage o' Hurricane Idalia. But lo and behold, the governor's mate be sayin' there be no such plans in their treasure map! Methinks there be a storm brewin' in their parley!
September 2, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast, me hearties! Tarryin' from the campaign trail be treacherous waters. Many a scallywag afore ye have met their doom, their tales o' caution echoin' through the ages. Best heed their lessons, lest ye be walkin' the plank, mateys!
September 2, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, the rise of the sea hath plundered Oceanside's treasure trove o' beach space! Aye, mateys, 'tis a conundrum if coastal life be the very essence of yer fair city.
September 2, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! Me hearties be tellin' tales o' wages on the rise, inflation bein' tamed, and a fancy new slogan from the White House. But alas, Cap'n Biden's economic report be leavin' his fellow Democrats shiverin' in their boots!
September 1, 2023, 5:33 pm
Arr, me hearties! FOX Corporation, ye scurvy dogs, didst bestow a generous donation to the Red Cross in aid of the hurricane Idalia! They be loyal mates, always supportin' the fight against disaster. Aye, they be a fine Annual Disaster Givin' Program partner, indeed!
September 1, 2023, 5:30 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A scribe from the Washington Post be takin' a swipe at Cap'n Biden's crew, claimin' they be gettin' naught but a dry well after beggin' the Chinese scoundrels fer favors. Arrr, no booty to show!
September 1, 2023, 5:13 pm
Arrr! The kin o' Ta'Kiya Young be claimin' that her demise outside a market in Ohio be a blunder o' the highest order! Aye, not only could it've been prevented, but 'twas a downright abuse o' power and authority, says they!
September 1, 2023, 11:55 am
Avast ye mateys! Them Russian scurvy dogs be joinin' forces with Belarus, near the borders o' them NATO lands! Aye, they be gettin' ready for some jolly cooperation in battle!
September 1, 2023, 11:46 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a tale o' Ruby Franke, a landlubber from Utah, known fer documentin' 'er strict motherin' ways. 'Twas a fateful day when the lawmen heard a wee starvin' child cryin' out fer aid. They be arrestin' the lass, claimin' neglect!
September 1, 2023, 11:46 am
Dominic Pezzola, a scallywag o' the far-right ilk, received his comeuppance as the third scurvy knave to face the gallows this week. Bein' one o' the earliest scoundrels to set foot in the Capitol, he be found guilty o' six heinous crimes, yet pardoned for the charge of sedition.
September 1, 2023, 11:43 am
Avast, me hearties! A Dutch swashbuckler be speakin' of how these blasted nitrogen emissions policies be crushin' our bounty in the farming realm. We be raisin' a mighty storm of protest in the Netherlands! Yo ho ho, climate change be drivin' us farmers to the brink, arrr!
September 1, 2023, 11:41 am
Arrr! Avast ye scurvy dogs! A fancy flag and a jolly makeshift memorial be adorning the spot outside o' Moscow, Russia, where the famed scallywag Yevgeny Prigozhin met his untimely fate in a fearsome plane crash!
September 1, 2023, 5:56 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the Texas Supreme Court be rejectin' the pleas of transgender youth and their scurvy doctors to block a law that be banishin' puberty blockers and hormone therapies for the wee ones. Walk the plank, says the court!
September 1, 2023, 5:53 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs from NASA be showin' us pictures of a blasted crater, claimin' 'tis the very spot where a Russian landlubber's contraption met its watery end on the moon's surface. Aye, 'tis a grand spectacle indeed!
September 1, 2023, 5:44 am
Avast, me hearties! Labor Day be a jolly celebration on the first Monday of September, where many shall be payin' their respects. Be ye acquainted with these tidbits 'bout this grand historic day?
September 1, 2023, 5:40 am
Avast ye! The scurvy dogs in charge be raisin' the alarm, as the gov be summonin' the National Guard 'gainst the migrant tide. Aye, and in a liberal city, a sorry tale be told of a shuttered tavern. Arr, these be the top headlines that be makin' waves!
September 1, 2023, 5:36 am
Arrr! A salty ol' salt claimed he's been sailin' his loyal horned mate, Howdy Doody, 'bout the town o' Norfolk in a fine Ford Crown Victoria fer seven long years, sans trouble. Yet, the landlubbers of the law, in their wisdom, did halt his voyage!
September 1, 2023, 4:06 am
Arrr, on this fine mornin' o' Thursday, Jose hath come to be! Aye, 'tis the third tempest to be named in the murky Atlantic, sailin' alongside fair Idalia and fearless Franklin.
September 1, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr! The grandest court of the state hath refused to halt a fresh law, which be takin' away the transition care that be available to the young transgender lads and lasses. The legal battles be sailin' on, but the law be settin' sail nonetheless, arrr!
September 1, 2023, 12:24 am
Danelo Cavalcante, a scurvy Brazilian scallywag, be fleein' from a cell near Philadelphia, not long after bein' sentenced to Davy Jones' locker fer murder. Arrr, that landlubber be escapin' like a crafty bilge rat!
August 31, 2023, 4:29 am
Avast ye! Be learnin' the grand secret to reachin' verified aid groups to lend a hand in those cursed areas where the tempest has struck. Arrr, 'tis no joke, me hearties!
August 31, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, in the midst o' a blisterin' heat wave, some landlubbers be succumbin' to the scorchin' heat. More than 500 souls have met Davy Jones' locker this year while tryin' to cross from Mexico.
August 30, 2023, 10:19 pm
Arrr! This here 93-year-old former prelate be the oldest sea dog to stand afore the mighty cannons of the Catholic Church, facin' charges in the scandalous abuse crisis. A swashbucklin' tale, indeed!
August 30, 2023, 10:10 pm
Yarr, a few American scallywags be thinkin' that them Taliban sea dogs o' today be more civilized than their past plunderin' days in '90s. Oh, how they be wishin' for a gentler breed o' corsairs!
August 30, 2023, 5:40 am
Avast! A tempest warning be hoist for the shores of Georgia and South Carolina, ere the foul storm be cast upon us!
August 30, 2023, 4:03 am
Arrr, mateys! Aye, the meddling in the federal election case be upon us! 'Tis one o' four, n' it be commencin' afore Super Tuesday 'n a grand slew o' mighty primaries!
August 30, 2023, 4:03 am
Avast ye! Whilst gatherin' to mourn the souls lost in a scurvy shootin', Mr. DeSantis found himself forced to bellow o'er the boisterous booing of a mostly Black throng. His deeds in Florida have hardly won him any mates among the Black folk. Yo ho ho!
August 30, 2023, 4:02 am
Arrr, the lass from New York be claimin' she be changin' since she first stepped aboard. Yet she be not willin' to be nam'in' herself an insider, says she. Har!
August 29, 2023, 5:55 am
Avast ye mateys! Behold, a clip from yonder past be sailin' the internet waves! 'Tis a jolly sight to see young Vivek Ramaswamy, a landlubber from Harvard, boldly questionin' the reverend, Al Sharpton. He be wonderin' why a scallywag without "political experience" deserves his vote. Arrr, quite a conundrum, indeed!
August 29, 2023, 5:54 am
Yarr, the scurvy dogs from the St. Louis Circuit Attorney's Office be chargin' six brazen scallywags! These rapscallions be accused o' kidnappin' a guard at a city jail on Aug. 22 and keepin' him captive for a dreadfully long two hours!
August 29, 2023, 5:51 am
Arr, ye scurvy landlubber Kim Jong Un be claimin' his navy be gettin' hold of nuclear weapons t' fend off them U.S. scallywags an' their warlike exercises! Methinks he be takin' this pirate business a bit too seriously, arr!
August 29, 2023, 4:49 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis be true! A goodly dozen lands in the west be commandin' all hands to abandon ship and flee afore the fearsome tempest's onslaught.
August 29, 2023, 4:10 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! A foul brew did arise, as the diesel and the gasoline did tango by accident. Now, the good folk of the Gulf Coast be facin' a possible call to abandon ship, while this contamination be causin' a ruckus.
August 29, 2023, 4:01 am
Be it a mighty storm brewin' amidst the Trump acolytes and traditionalists, their quarrels be drivin' away both the donors and voters. Can the Michigan Republican Party, with all hands on deck, mend their feud in time for the grand presidential election? Arrr, only time will tell, mateys!
August 29, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye! Capt'n Biden be facin' a rough sea, with his plans for fairness meetin' resistance from the scoundrels o' Congress and the courts. Now he be scurryin' to mend the sail, hopin' to revive the spirits o' them voters who aided his conquest o' the White House.
August 28, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr! A fresh survey be givin' us a fine portrait of the type o' American who serves on a jury, and a rare glimpse into the thoughts o' the folks who could decide the fate o' Donald Trump, matey! Aye, a juicy treasure indeed!
August 28, 2023, 4:02 am
Arr, the scurvy dogs at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention be reportin' that the number o' landlubbers settin' foot in the infirmaries be on the rise in recent weeks. Still low, mind ye, but keep a weather eye on the horizon, me hearties!
August 27, 2023, 5:38 pm
Avast ye! 'Twas a fine day when Devon Archer, matey of Hunter Biden, didst parley with the fearsome Secretary of State, John Kerry, at the grand State Department. 'Twas in the year 2016, whilst they be servin' on the board of Burisma, a ship from Ukraine!
August 27, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arr! Ye scurvy dog Juan Carlos Garcia-Rodriguez, a suspect o' the highest order, be accused o' dastardly acts o' murder 'n foul sexual assault against young Maria Gonzalez! The scallywag be denied bail, an' 'twas taken into custody fer this vile crime!
August 27, 2023, 5:31 pm
Arrr, me matey Jeremy Tillman, a brave soul from Russellville, did shuffle off this mortal coil whilst aidin' his spawn settle into his quarters at Arkansas State University. Methinketh he pushed himself too hard, as his betrothed did proclaim. Avast!
August 27, 2023, 5:27 pm
Avast ye! The latest trend in babby names be bringin' back them beloved "old-man" and "old-lady" names, but with a dash o' modern magic, says a scallywag consultant from fair Los Angeles. Discover how ye can give them traditional names a sprightly and one-of-a-kind feel!
August 27, 2023, 4:51 pm
Arrr! The sheriff's scurvy crew did spy the three poor souls and the scallywag who laid the black spot upon his own mug, in an assault deemed a hate crime, be it!+
August 27, 2023, 11:55 am
Arr, mateys! 'Tis a sorry sight indeed, many scurvy landlubbers be shunnin' churches nowadays, yet still yearning fer a connection to the divine. A noble pastor from Washington be extendin' a hand, offerin' a dose of faith-filled lovin' and wise counsel to those in need. Avast!
August 27, 2023, 11:51 am
Arrr, mateys! Mayor Eric Adams o' NYC be locked in a fierce skirmish with Governor Kathy Hochul o' New York, arguin' 'bout whether the glorious delicacy known as foie gras should be peddled in the grand ol' Big Apple. Hoist the anchor, me hearties!
August 27, 2023, 11:41 am
Avast ye, me hearties! A fearsome tale be told o' three fine wenches ridin' in a contraption called Uber, when a scurvy landlubber from Los Angeles, he be drivin' like a bat outta hell! He rammed straight into their vessel, sendin' 'em to Davy Jones' locker in a jiffy!
August 27, 2023, 11:36 am
Arr, ye scallywags! A mighty tempest be brewin', threatenin' to unleash a wrath o' floodin' and surgin' waves upon the west coast o' Florida. Set yer sights on Tuesday, me hearties, for that be the day this storm be makin' its grand entrance!
August 27, 2023, 11:20 am
Lo and behold, two of Tish and Billy Ray Cyrus' young 'uns were naught to be seen at her nuptials with the famed thespian Dominic Purcell! Aye, the rumor be a-swirlin' among the masses of a mighty family quarrel on the horizon!
August 27, 2023, 10:00 am
Arrr, me mateys! The land, once known fer its endless booty, be findin' its crew numbers stuck in the doldrums. Aye, they be ponderin' what lies ahead fer this here ship o' ours.
August 27, 2023, 9:56 am
Arrr, the blunderin' took place at a Dollar General store nigh Edward Waters University in Jacksonville, matey! The scallywag behind it met Davy Jones' locker, as the officials be sayin'!
August 27, 2023, 5:50 am
Avast ye scallywags! Jeanne Roblez Howell, a lass of 64 winters, hath met her unfortunate demise 'pon the Fairyland Loop trail at Bryce Canyon National Park in Utah. Arrr, 'twas a sight for sore eyes, aye!
August 27, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast, ye scallywags! David 'Oh, a fine Republican nominee, be sharin' his grand design to take on the ever worsenin' drug scourge and foul knavery plaguin' Kensington, in his quest for mayorship in Philadelphia!
August 27, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, Alabama be yearnin' t'be the first land o' state t'execute a scurvy prisoner by makin' him breathe naught but pure nitrogen, a method that them scoundrels be callin' "experimentin'." Avast, the winds be blowin' strange indeed in these modern times!
August 27, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye mateys! Vivek Ramaswamy be takin' a jab at ye scallywag Republicans, claimin' they be out of touch. He be likenin' 'em to old Ronald Reagan's "morning in America" tale. Arrr, the sea be rough for these landlubbers!
August 27, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast, me hearties! The good wench, Andrea Smith, a wise ethnic studies professor, be settin' sail from the University of California, Riverside, in a queer accord that steereth clear of a full-blown investigation, aye!
August 27, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye! A merry band o' unions and civic scallywags be pressin' a mighty automaker to safeguard and tutor their hardworking crew in exchange fer some shiny federal booty, all under Cap'n Biden's grand laws. Arr, a jolly tale indeed!
August 27, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Air Force be showin' its true colors, embracin' a mighty fine technology that be emergin' at a rapid pace. It be havin' grand implications fer our war-fightin' ways, our military culture, an' the defense industry, mark me words!
August 27, 2023, 1:50 am
Avast ye mateys! A warship o' the skies, carryin' over 20 landlubber U.S. Marines, be havin' crashed on a fateful Sunday near Melville Island in Australia's Northern Territory. Fear not, me hearties, no Australians be walkin' the plank in this unfortunate mishap!
August 26, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye scallywags! The legendary and seasoned captain o' the game show "The Price be Right," Bob Barker, hath shuffled off this mortal coil. At 99 summers old, he be sailin' into the great unknown. Fair winds and a barrel o' laughs, mateys!
August 26, 2023, 11:45 am
Arrr! Avast ye hearties! Upon the calamitous infernos in Hawaii, the Maui Humane Society hath employed the power of the interwebs and the swashbucklin' spirit of the locals to save scurvy landlubber pets and return 'em to their kin.
August 26, 2023, 11:26 am
Arr, this 38-year-old scallywag claims he be havin' a grand scheme to mend the woes of me fellow Americans, young and old. But alas, his notions be as mismatched as a parrot with wooden legs, leavin' them voters mighty perplexed.
August 26, 2023, 10:43 am
Arrr, mateys! Louisville, renowned fer its grog, the Kentucky Derby, and the legendary Muhammad Ali, now be harbourin' the speediest-growin' Cuban crew in all the land, arrr!
August 26, 2023, 9:28 am
Arr! The scurvy officials o' Hawaii have finally revealed their cursed list o' missing souls! 'Tis a rare sight indeed! Friends, and even some o' the poor blighters themselves, be showin' up, proclaimin' their wharabouts like magic!
August 26, 2023, 5:21 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A landlubber wench from Illinois be thrown in the brig, for her wee buccaneer lad carried a pistol in his scurvy knapsack to school! No harm befallen, but fear not, the scallywag mother be walkin' the plank of the law!
August 26, 2023, 5:15 am
Arr! Like the legendary likeness of fair Helen of Troy, the illustrious portrait of old President Donald Trump be settin' sail a fleet o' a thousand ships! But mark ye well, me hearties, for where they be bound in 2023 and 2024 be of utmost importance, lest we be caught in a tempest of folly!
August 26, 2023, 4:18 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! There be a scallywag of a "bird bandit" wieldin' a knife, who be accused o' pilferin' a gentleman's loot at a McDonald's, whilst parrots perched upon his fine cowboy hat and shoulder. He be a wanted scoundrel for his strong-arm robbery! Arrr!
August 26, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr! Methinks Wagner be joinin' Russia's Defense Ministry or their military intelligence! Aye, a Russian general may even be placed at the helm, say U.S. and Western officials.
August 26, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, a few scurvy dogs be tryin' to relocate the case to the federal court, whilst some be beggin' for swift or separate trials. Aye, the seas of justice be a murky place indeed!
August 26, 2023, 4:01 am
Yarrr! This scurvy dog of a Republican lubber be spoutin' nonsensical blather 'bout climate change and the stormin' o' the Capitol on January 6th! He be twistin' his words like a drunken sailor, claimin' what ain't true! Arrr, what a sorry mess he be!
August 26, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, by dismissing a blubberin' confession o' the scurvy dog who bombed the U.S.S. Cole, Col. Lanny J. Acosta Jr. be makin' a mighty shake in the very heart o' the U.S. government's cases at this post-9/11 court! Avast ye, me hearties!
August 25, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arrr! The blimey three-year investigation by Monaco be a complete waste o' time, mateys! They scoured the seven seas lookin' fer dirt on Lebanese Prime Minister Najib Mikati, only to find an empty treasure chest. Arr, aye, they had to walk the plank 'cause they didn't find any damning evidence, arr!
August 25, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arrr, mateys! Ed Schafer, the landlubber who once governed the North Dakota seas and served as the agriculture secretary during the Bush era, had his mighty vessel, a grand 2020 GMC Yukon, be pilfered from the very confines o' KFGO's haven! Aye, 'twas whilst he was takin' the helm o' "News and Views"!
August 25, 2023, 5:42 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Young Brandon Castiglione, a landlubber from Londonderry, hath been condemned to a lengthy 42-year stay in the brig! 'Twas his foul deed of shooting and dispatching his own 60-year-old parson, the honorable Luis Garcia.
August 25, 2023, 5:11 pm
Avast ye! During the G.O.P. debate, the senator be fading into the murky depths. "Arr, I be wantin' to hear more from that scallywag!" cried a voter, as he be seekin' to hoist his sails once more in New Hampshire.
August 25, 2023, 5:10 pm
Arrr, mateys! Ye won't be believin' what this Gov'rnor Ron DeSantis be sayin' 'bout Miriam Hopper's tale of birth in '55! The yarn be so strange, ye won't be knowin' if 'tis true or not, arrr!
August 25, 2023, 5:05 pm
Arr, the campaigns be seein' the grand spectacle, aired on the national box o' wonders, be the first o' the 2024 campaign, not just as a means to woo voters, but also as an entreaty to scurvy dogs, rich an' poor alike, who be givin' their doubloons.
August 25, 2023, 5:00 pm
Arr, me hearties! Come Monday, the state's law be settin' sail, outlawin' all manner o' remedies and surgeries for wee lads and lasses seekin' gender transition. Nay be they allowed to partake in such care, lest they face the wrath o' the law!
August 25, 2023, 11:56 am
Arrr! Word be sailin' through the grapevine that the lass be thinkin' her dear mother was spottin' alongside that scurvy dog Rex Heuermann, known fer his misdeeds at Gilgo Beach, afore she disappeared in 2017. Avast!
August 25, 2023, 11:55 am
On the mornin' of Friday, all 19 scallywags in the state election meddling case, where the former Cap'n Donald J. Trump be involved, had surrendered themselves. Arrr, quite a sight to see, mateys!
August 25, 2023, 11:46 am
Avast ye! Spill yer tales, matey, to aid our yarns 'bout them treacherous wildfires in Hawaii. 'Tis mighty important we hear ye, for 'twill shape our knowledge o' land plunder in them treacherous waters.
August 25, 2023, 11:45 am
Arrr! The Republican National Committee be choosin' Houston, Texas as the place fer its 2028 presidential nominatin' shindig. But afore that, Milwaukee, Wisconsin be hostin' the 2024 convention! Prepare yer sea legs, me hearties, fer some grand political plunderin' in these fair cities!
August 25, 2023, 11:38 am
Kenneth Law be swearin' on a pirate's soul that he be takin' to sellin' deadly brews on the cursed internet! Says he, after spyin' his poor mother sufferin' from a brush with death, his ol' man refused to send her to Davy Jones' locker!
August 25, 2023, 11:04 am
Avast ye! Them landlubber officials be reckonin' that Ukraine be holdin' onto its fury, fer they be sendin' a mighty message: Kyiv still knoweth how to wield its sword 'n give 'em sea dogs a taste o' their own medicine!
August 25, 2023, 5:53 am
Yarr! In Maryland's federal court, the verdict be in: parents be denied the right to steer their young scallywags away from learnin' 'bout LGBTQ+ topics in school. Avast ye, mateys! The tide be turnin' in the classroom.
August 25, 2023, 5:50 am
Arrrgh, mateys! Ye be listenin' to a jolly tale! This Vivek Ramaswamy, a landlubber runnin' for president, be spewin' tales o' goin' from rags to riches. But alas, a Fox News swab did some diggin' and found his tale be as fishy as a mermaid's breath!
August 25, 2023, 5:49 am
Avast, ye scallywags! A Michigan mate be facin' charges from the federal crew, for 'e be strayin' from the path in Yellowstone National Park, an' endurin' ye olde thermal burns. Aye, a memorable tale from the land o' adventure!
August 25, 2023, 5:28 am
Arr matey! Trump be returnin' to the digital seas after two long years! The scallywags of the Grand Old Party be singin' praises for his mighty debatin' skills! Huzzah for them top headlines, writ in the language of the landlubber!
August 25, 2023, 4:02 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis said that one o' two gun emporiums run by the likes o' Representative Andrew Clyde be Clyde Armory in Athens, be duly put in the watchful eye o' the authorities both in 2020 and 2021. Arrr!
August 24, 2023, 11:34 pm
Arr matey! Avast ye! The grand lass, mayhaps the finest lass to ever roam the racetrack, hath met her demise aft a 1975 race at Belmont Park, where she didst harm her ankle. Aye, the filly shall forever be remembered as a legend of the turf!
August 24, 2023, 10:19 pm
Avast, me hearties! Wyatt, a scallywag known as Windham Rotunda, took the pirate's booty and secured the title of grand champion in the salty seas of World Wrestling Entertainment in the year o' 2017. Yarr, what a swashbuckling victory!
August 24, 2023, 10:04 pm
Arr, me hearties! Captain Trump did spend a goodly 20 minutes within the brig, getting his fingers pressed, and his countenance captured on a pictorial contraption, all because of the four scurvy criminal escapades he managed this year!
August 24, 2023, 11:33 am
Whilst treading the boards, me hearties, Republican foes did fancy the contest be one of matters, notions, and personal tales. But alas, the truth swiftly descended upon 'em like a tempestuous squall!
August 24, 2023, 11:24 am
Avast, me hearties! Have ye heard tell of me recent parley with the fair Kaya Laterman? She be scribin' 'bout the swashbucklin' rise of these here microgrid communities poppin' up across the land! Arr, 'tis a tale worth readin', lest ye be a landlubber!
August 24, 2023, 5:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! I be tellin' ye, them landlubbers from the Russian village where Wagner Chief Yevgeny Prigozhin's ship crashed claim they heard a "metallic bang" afore the vessel took a plunge. Straight from thar lips, I reckon!
August 24, 2023, 5:42 am
Arrr! Me hearties be havin' a rather peculiar tale to share! It seems that landlubbers now be havin' the privilege to pick which arm they be usin' fer the doses of the cursed COVID vaccine and booster. But fear not, for a newfangled study claims that one particular choice might grant ye a mightier immune-boostin' effect than the other, ye scurvy dogs!
August 24, 2023, 4:11 am
Arrr, me hearties! Mark yer calendars fer Sept. 27, when the Republican National Committee be holdin' its second primary debate at the grand ol' Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in California. Be prepared fer a swashbucklin' battle o' words!
August 24, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye, mateys! The grand matter o' Donald Trump's signature pursuit from 2016 still echoes mightily, spurrin' fierce talk o' strengthenin' the southern U.S. border.
August 24, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr! Yonder firefighters be teachin' a mechanical scallywag to scour the seas fer blazin' infernos. By Davy Jones' locker! Turns out, many a thing be resemblin' smoke on the vast horizon. Argh, what a scurvy affair!
August 24, 2023, 1:36 am
Aye, 't be a sight to behold! At least six scallywags be havin' a rough go o' it at a tavern in the far east of Orange County, Calif. 'Tis a place where bikers gather and locals find solace for ages now, arrr!
August 23, 2023, 5:57 am
Arr! The grand stage be set fer the first GOP debate, but ol' Biden's peculiar Maui words hath stirred up past gibberish and other fine tales, mateys!
August 23, 2023, 5:57 am
Arr, a skirmish on the grounds o' Alabama A&M University left two poor souls wounded. The constables claim 'twas an isolated incident, no full-blown cannonade, ye scurvy dogs!"
August 23, 2023, 5:50 am
Arr, mateys, a tragic tale be told! Tafari Campbell, 45, met his watery demise whilst partakin' in a wee paddleboardin' adventure upon the treacherous waters of Edgartown Great Pond on Martha's Vineyard, as them officials be sayin'. Aye, the sea be a cruel mistress, claimin' yet another soul!
August 23, 2023, 5:47 am
Arr, the fearsome eight souls aboard a gondola, bein' stuck o'er a treacherous ravine in Pakistan, be now rescued! One lucky matey be claimin' the rescue be a true miracle. Arr, what a tale to be tellin'!
August 23, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties be mighty worried when them fire crews departed the scene of an early mornin' blaze. "Avast, someone should've stayed behind!" they cried, fear gnawin' at their very souls.
August 23, 2023, 2:59 am
Avast ye mateys! Tis with a heavy heart I tell ye that Tafari Campbell, a fine lad who once cooked as a sous chef in the White House when the Obamas ruled the roost, met his doom in the treacherous waters of Martha's Vineyard. May he rest peacefully in Davy Jones' locker.
August 23, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Many a matey among the presidential contenders be emptyin' their treasure chests to win o'er the hearts o' voters. But ol' Donald Trump, he be settin' his sights on a tussle with President Biden. Savvy?
August 23, 2023, 12:28 am
Avast ye mateys! Thar be a grand show happenin' in Milwaukee, but ol' Cap'n Donald J. Trump won't be makin' an appearance. Arrr, his rivals be fightin' for a chance to be the chosen one. Let the battle commence, me hearties!
August 22, 2023, 5:56 pm
Arr! Donald J. Trump be scoldin' Joseph R. Biden Jr. fer his scallywag son's foreign dealings, yet the Trump clan be no strangers to such piratical antics on foreign shores!
August 22, 2023, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The ol' Mayor Rick Sollars o' Taylor, Michigan hath been caught red-handed in a web o' corruption! He be admittin' to his wrongdoings in a court o' law, partakin' in a foul bribery scheme with a favored contractor. Walk the plank, I say!
August 22, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr, me hearties! Indivior be coughin' up a hefty $30M booty to put an end to a jolly lawsuit brought by them health plans! They be accusin' the scurvy dogs of unlawfully hamperin' competition for their opium remedy, Suboxone!
August 22, 2023, 5:50 pm
Avast ye! This scurvy dog, Rob Moutrie, be raisin' his voice against a blasted law that'd be givin' lazy landlubber workers in California, who be on strike, the privilege of unemployment benefits. Blast me barnacles!
August 22, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr, a bunch o' scallywags bein' accused alongside Mr. Trump in th' state racketeering case, tryin' t' move th' matter to federal court 'r get it thrown out. They be hopin' fer a smoother sail, but th' sea be full o' surprises, mateys!
August 22, 2023, 11:55 am
Avast, me hearties! In a parley with "CBS Mornings," Mayor Eric Adams o' New York City be pleadin' fer President Biden to declare a state of emergency, so as t' aid his fair city in findin' jobs fer a whole crew o' migrants. Aye, a true dilemma indeed!
August 22, 2023, 11:55 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Thar be former Gov. Scott Walker, former White House chief o' staff Reince Priebus, an' Rep. Gwen Moore havin' a jolly ol' chat 'bout Wisconsin's part in them presidential elections! They be comparin' past results betwixt candidates, makin' merry on this fine day!
August 22, 2023, 11:47 am
Arr, me hearties! Avast ye! I be tellin' ye a fine tale. Ms. Mucarsel-Powell, a brave lass from South America, be makin' history as the first immigrant elected to the House. She be joinin' a crew o' Democrats in the race fer 2024. Aye, 'tis a sight worth seein'!
August 22, 2023, 11:47 am
Avast ye! A scurvy dog of an art teacher from the land of Chicago hath been cast off the ship! The parents be mighty cross, for this knave dared to share his mind's demons on the ship's log, and even uttered praises for ol' Satan!
August 22, 2023, 11:45 am
Arrr! 'Bout 140,000 fervent scallywags o' K-pop have gathered from all corners o' the globe in Los Angeles, California, fer this year's KCON, a grand celebration o' Korean culture and music. Aye, 'tis a sight to behold, me hearties!
August 22, 2023, 11:32 am
Arrr, the Republican scallywags of 2024 be havin' a bunch o' landlubbers who stand nary a chance to best that scurvy dog, Donald Trump. But why be they settin' sail on this treacherous voyage, ye ask?
August 22, 2023, 5:56 am
Arr, Gov. Greg Abbott be sailin' his ship with great gusto to fend off the migrant tide, and many a matey did cheer him on at first. But alas, in the land of Eagle Pass, doubts be creepin' into the minds of its dwellers. Methinks this adventure might not be as jolly as expected!
August 22, 2023, 5:55 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Word has reached me ears that after clashin' swords with the Department of Justice, a fearsome federal judge be ponderin' whether Texas can keep a floatin' barrier on the U.S.-Mexico border. Arrr, the seas be rough, me hearties!
August 22, 2023, 5:34 am
Arrr! The scallywag Governor be sharin' tips fer the GOP debate lads, Biden be makin' some peculiar gab during his voyage to Hawaii, and ye be findin' these here tales as the top headlines, me hearties!
August 22, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! These learned mateys who scoured the autopsy report on young Damien Cameron be claimin' that the swashbucklin' investigators be blind as a bat, for they be overlookin' the unmistakable sings that the dastardly deputies be chokin' the lad while tryin' to tame him.
August 22, 2023, 2:07 am
Arrr! The tempest be but a mere 200 league from the land of Texas this fine Tuesday morn, set to make its way ashore ere eventide. Avast, me hearties, prepare for a mighty squall!
August 21, 2023, 11:19 pm
Arr, me mateys! Set yer spyglasses upon the horizon! The grand debate be happenin' this Wednesday eve, betwixt 9 and 11 p.m. Eastern. Donald Trump, aye, he's been chattin' with the ol' Fox News swabbie, Tucker Carlson. Belay yer fears, for ye can catch 'em both at the same hour!
August 21, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr, the skies did pour and the snow did fall aplenty o'er the winter, blessin' the state with their watery bounty, thus quenchin' the parched land from her long drought.
August 21, 2023, 11:47 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of Virginia's hemp ventures be facin' fines, aye, thanks to a fresh hemp code set forth to toughen rules fer ye landlubbers when it comes to certain THC goods. Aye, the law be seekin' to keep ye buccaneers in check!
August 21, 2023, 11:34 am
Laura Ann Carleton, a true buccaneer in her own right, be praised as a "fearless" soul by her lass. She met her untimely demise while valiantly protectin' somethin' of utmost significance to her. May the seas forever remember her mighty spirit!
August 21, 2023, 11:30 am
Arrr! Me hearties, the scurvy dog Elie Honig be blastin' David Weiss and the Justice Department for makin' an "unholy mess" o' the Hunter Biden investigation. Avast ye, me lads, 'tis quite a ruckus they've stirred!
August 21, 2023, 11:28 am
Avast me hearties! Whilst them West African lands be blabberin' 'bout sendin' armed forces to Niger, Pope Francis be belting out for a tranquil resolution. Arrr!
August 21, 2023, 11:28 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Minal Patel, a scurvy dog hailing from Georgia, a land far away, be sentenced to a long and salted 27 years in the brig. His dastardly deeds in a grand scheme of bilge-sucking genetic testing fraud be worth a mighty $463 million!
August 21, 2023, 11:04 am
Arr, the ex-governor of New Jersey hath been harping on and on, like a scurvy sea dog, provoking Donald Trump at every turn, yearnin' for a grand showdown on stage. Yet alas, it seems he be doomed to disappointment.
August 21, 2023, 5:47 am
Arr! A quarrel be brewin' o'er a precious piece o' President Biden's immigration plan, mateys! Them Republican states claim 'tis a foul breach o' the U.S. Constitution, arr! 'Twill be settled this week, mark me words!
August 21, 2023, 5:30 am
Bidens be makin' way t' Hawaii 'pon hearin' no reply! Meanwhile, Hilary be plunderin' California 'n causin' chaos! 'Tis but a taste o' what be makin' waves 'mongst the top tales!
August 21, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! As Cap'n Biden sets foot upon the land to inspect the havoc with state and local mateys, the groanin' and sad hearts be turnin' into fiery fury and ponderin' the lack of preparedness by th' mighty government, arrr!
August 21, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dog, Gov. Josh Green of Hawaii be settin' his sights upon lessons beyond the lands o' Hawaii, as the disastrous spectacle unfolds upon Maui. Aye, he be seekin' wisdom from this calamity, not just fer the islands, but for all ye mateys!
August 21, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, avast ye! After hidin' like a landlubber since Friday, the scallywag president be makin' a quick voyage to Maui, where a fearsome fire hath reduced a town to ashes and sent over a hundred souls to Davy Jones' locker.
August 20, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The U.S. Geological Survey be tellin' us there be a mighty earthquake o' magnitude 5.1 near Ojai, California! And by Blackbeard's beard, as Tropical Storm Hilary draws nigh, calamity be awaitin' the landlubbers!
August 20, 2023, 5:40 pm
Avast, me hearties! 'Tis Tori Spelling, a fine lass of the modern age! She be tellin' on her scroll o' faces that she's been marooned in the infirmary for four days. Alas, the ailment remains a mystery, shrouded in secrecy!
August 20, 2023, 5:39 pm
Arr! 'Tis the second tempest churnin' in mere hours on the Lord's day! Be warned, mateys! This ferocious storm be settin' sail to drench Hispaniola and Puerto Rico in a deluge o' rain!
August 20, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arrr! The mighty Riley Gaines, former swimmer o' great renown, be complainin' that scurvy TikTok be havin' the gall to remove her video, where she be reactin' to a fine non-binary soul, for offendin' their so-called community guidelines. Blimey!
August 20, 2023, 5:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The lubbers in the Chester County, Pennsylvania, bein' the District Attorney's Office, be sharin' the tale o' the poor 4-year-old lad. Sadly, he met his fate from fentanyl, a deadly poison. Now, the scurvy dogs be caught this month and shall face the wrath o' the law for his demise.
August 20, 2023, 5:06 pm
Avast, me hearties! Methinks the rain be gettin' fiercer in the land o' United States. But fear not, for come Monday, 'tis set to be gentler. Aye, there be more tides to tell 'bout this tropical storm, so gather round and listen ye well!
August 20, 2023, 4:54 pm
Arrr, mateys! The landlubbers be wantin' all their dealings with the law to be captured on film. And the scurvy police unions be hopin' to fill their pockets by demandin' extra loot for holdin' the camera, arrr!
August 20, 2023, 4:02 pm
Arrr! This policy be makin' waves, affectin' more than 5,000 scallywags who be learnin' in Catholic schools in the Diocese of Worcester in Massachusetts! Aye, be it time to hoist the anchor an' brace yerselves mateys!
August 20, 2023, 11:49 am
Arr, me hearties! The fair maiden Deanne Criswell, a swashbucklin' FEMA Administrator, be warnin' us of dire tidings. She claims that the treasure for disaster relief be runnin' scarce come mid-September, due to the infernal wildfires in Hawaii and the fearsome storm in California. Aye, we be in troubled waters indeed!
August 20, 2023, 11:31 am
Avast ye mateys! The ol' Gov'nor Asa Hutchinson o' Arkansas be claimin' he met the mark, makin' eight scalawags stand on th' plank. Or nine. Or 10. But ye won't be hearin' a peep from th' Republican National Committee, keepin' it under wraps like a hidden chest o' booty!
August 20, 2023, 11:28 am
Arrr! The scurvy dog, Vivek Ramaswamy, be claimin' he be "fine" with Cap'n Donald Trump skippin' the first brawl, even though he be warblin' a different shanty back in May.
August 20, 2023, 11:22 am
Arr, on the morn of Sunday, a fearsome tempest brewed in the Atlantic waters. Yet, fear not, ye landlubbers, for this mighty squall shan't threaten yer precious shores.
August 20, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! In this race fer the Republican presidential nomination, where Captain Trump be rulin' the seas, the grand Fox News be hostin' a debate. 'Tis a chance fer those other landlubber candidates to find themselves a moment in the spotlight! Arrr!
August 20, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Behold the finest grub for ye gut and digestion! These fiber-filled morsels be the key, mateys, to keepin' yer innards shipshape. Wise nutritionists be speakin' true!
August 20, 2023, 4:58 am
Arr! The scurvy dogs of Atlanta have clapped irons on a landlubber fer pretendin' to be one of their own! A keen-eyed matey, while on duty, spied his garb an' spyglass be unlike their own. Walk the plank, ye impostor!
August 20, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Ol' DeSantis, he be havin' fancy Ivy League swaggers, and he be flouncin' 'round, showin' off his cleverness. But now, that scallywag be twistin' his tales from Yale and Harvard, settin' sail on a vengeful political voyage!
August 20, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, the scurvy dog Young Thug's racketeering affair hath been naught but a tortoise-like spectacle, with a grand mountain of defense motions afore the trial and the lads of lower rank bein' forced to admit their guilt. Blimey!
August 20, 2023, 4:00 am
In the parleys and reckonings, many scurvy Republican rapscallions reckoneth that the likes o' President Biden be such a feeble landlubber, that the choice o' a candidate most fit to trounce him be no longer of any concern, arr!
August 20, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Cap'n DeSantis, a matey from the Republican ranks and seekin' the grand title o' President, be leanin' on his fancy Ivy League learnin', only to be usin' it as cannonballs in the battles o' culture. Here be the treasure found in a Times' exploration, mateys!
August 20, 2023, 3:31 am
A scurvy dog from Maryland hath been sentenced to a lifetime behind bars, for laying his wicked hands upon his own stepdaughter. This vile rogue hath commenced his wickedness when the lass were but a wee 8 years old.
August 19, 2023, 5:39 pm
Avast ye! A thorough search o' secret scrolls and chats with Mr. Biden's mates and lawyers reveal a tale of how this grand bargain did crumble, torn asunder by quarrels and relentless outside forces. Arrr!
August 19, 2023, 5:36 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Kira Talip Sanchez, a fine Democrat from Texas, be makin' a swashbucklin' move to the Republican Party! She be claimin' that the reason for her change be the border security policy, arrr!
August 19, 2023, 5:17 pm
Arr, me hearties! Methinks the fearsome Hurricane Hilary be makin' her way to Southern California. Be warned, for she be losin' her strength from a Category 2 to a weaklin'! Brace yerselves for a blustery Saturday night or a Sunday mornin' soaked to the bone!
August 19, 2023, 5:00 pm
Arrr! Avast ye! The Harborside Inn on Block Island, Rhode Island, in New Shoreham be ablaze! Late on Friday night, the scallywags had to summon at least 50 brave souls o' the fire brigade to douse the inferno from above, flyin' in on their mighty wings.
August 19, 2023, 4:13 pm
Arr! Though the Republican buccaneer be not found at th' conservative conference, where his rivals did gather, he still be the talk o' th' town, aye!
August 19, 2023, 11:31 am
Arrr! The Cap'n o' Florida, Ron DeSantis, had a merry parley with the Governor o' Georgia, Brian Kemp, in the grand township o' Buckshead. 'Twas a secret tete-a-tete betwixt 'em, mateys!
August 19, 2023, 11:30 am
Arrr, CBS News be feelin' the burn on Friday, mateys! They be sharin' a message on X, once known as Twitter, callin' President Joe Biden a "former president." But alas, they scurried like a scared sea rat and swiftly deleted that post!
August 19, 2023, 11:00 am
Avast ye! A swashbucklin' wench, a mother of three from the mystical land of California, be scuppered from her employ for daring to voice her disdain for a cursed sex-education plan. Aye, 'twas a matter she couldn't abide by, lest she be branded a scallywag!
August 19, 2023, 9:46 am
Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! Heed me words, for I shall tell ye the forecast as the tempest sets sail northward, yarrr!
August 19, 2023, 9:18 am
Aye, a fierce lass she be, championin' tribal sovereignty! The very first cap'n of the Menominee in Wisconsin, she be! And by Blackbeard's beard, the first Native American lass to command the Bureau of Indian Affairs, she be!
August 19, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs on the social media be settin' ablaze their wrath upon Biden's denial o' Trump's "America First" stance. Aye, they be claimin' that Biden be favorin' "America Last," arr!
August 19, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs be stockin' fall 2023 and Halloween trinkets sooner 'n sooner! Them critics be havin' a mighty fuss 'bout it. Here's why some feel a mighty storm brewin' within their hearts, aye!
August 19, 2023, 4:38 am
Avast ye scallywags! In the land o' Georgia, the swashbucklin' school board be givin' the heave-ho to a teacher who dared to read a tome to her young'uns, questionin' the notion of just two genders. Aye, a storm be brewin' o'er the land of education!
August 19, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, Fox News be pressin' the old captain, both in secret and afore the masses, to partake in the great debate. Yet, unbeknownst to 'em scallywags, he be plottin' his own sly scheme for counterprogramming.
August 19, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, 'tis not merely the scorchin' heat, as those Southrons 'ave jabbered fer generations. Nay, 'tis the damp, brothlike, stranglin' humidity! An' this year, the cruel circumstances be relentless, aye!
August 19, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! 'Tis Michelle Evans, a valiant swashbucklin' crusader, who be fightin' tooth 'n nail to protect our fair lasses' sports. But alas, she be clashin' with them transgender scallywags, causin' quite the ruckus on these treacherous seas!
August 19, 2023, 3:28 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Gray Fire be a fearsome beast, devourin' over 3,000 acres on Friday, layin' waste to two towns near Spokane's southwest. Saturday be holdin' even worse conditions for the blaze. Pray for mercy!
August 19, 2023, 2:00 am
Yarr, ye scallywags be tellin' tales of filthy conditions and lackin' medical aid in them cells. Methinks there be a shortage o' crew, causin' these lockdowns all o'er the land. Avast, the inmates suffer!
August 18, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Methinks Vivek Ramaswamy be havin' a jolly good political moment, mateys! The scallywag's poll numbers be surgin', and it be makin' Ron DeSantis's super PAC mighty concerned. Yo-ho-ho, Ramaswamy be sailin' a smooth course!
August 18, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr, President Biden be summonin' the leaders of them two Asian nations to bury the hatchet o'er past quarrels and be standin' together 'gainst a bold China. Aye, 'tis a grand plan, matey!
August 18, 2023, 12:16 am
Arrr, mateys! Aye be tellin' ye, the main super PAC supportin' that Florida governor be postin' hundreds o' pages o' blunt advice, memos, an' internal polling fer all t' see! 'Tis a remarkable view o' their thinkin', I say! Take a gander, if ye dare!
August 17, 2023, 11:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! This here crew be embarkin' on a grand adventure, settin' sail fer them five battleground lands: Georgia, Arizona, North Carolina, Nevada, an' Wisconsin! We be seekin' treasure 'n victory in these treacherous waters, so hoist the sails 'n let the plunderin' begin!
August 17, 2023, 5:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! This comin' autumn, the jolly Ohio voters be given the power to decide if they be wantin' to legalize the merry ol' recreational marijuana. By Blackbeard's beard! Since 2016, the plant o' cannabis be allowed for medicinal purposes in the state, savvy?
August 17, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast ye mateys! Afore ye, a former Rep. Tulsi Gabbard, hailing from the land o' Hawaii, be spoutin' that the goodly folk o' Maui be complainin' that the response o' the county, state, an' federal scallywags be lackin'! Arrr, me hearties!
August 17, 2023, 5:13 am
Arrr, a beekeeper in Savannah, Ga., hath stumbled upon a cursed yellow-legged hornet! Pray tell, state, federal officials, and learned scholars be laboring together to rid us of this terrible beastie. Let's banish it from our shores, me hearties!
August 17, 2023, 4:27 am
Avast ye! These land rovers without a captain's hand may not have caused grievous harm or calamitous collisions in the town, but they've surely found themselves embroiled in a few mighty disconcerting adventures, matey!
August 17, 2023, 4:00 am
Ye olde captain of the past be facin' a heap o' charges for his fibbin' 'bout the 2020 election. Take a gander at these here tales he spun like a drunken sailor on a stormy sea.
August 17, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag ex-president, bein' accused o' many a crime, be usin' coin from humble donors to fend off the law — a swashbucklin' deed that be raisin' ethical queries in the seven seas!
August 16, 2023, 5:42 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog! In Pasco County, Florida, the lawmen be tellin' us that a scallywag was nabbed fer cruelty o' animals. 'Tis said the scurvy scallywag was seen draggin' a pit bull behind his land ship on a highway. Walk the plank, says I!
August 16, 2023, 5:38 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! News be sailin' from Indiana that a fierce police battle ended the life of a 65-year-old matey. The clash happened afore Kentucky, along the mighty Ohio River.
August 16, 2023, 5:36 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! A swashbucklin' student be left injured after a fierce brawl turned into a merry pistol fight at a Georgia high school. The good ol' Sheriff o' Richmond County tells tales that the scurvy dog who fired the shots be nothin' but a wee lad! Arrr, what a tale!
August 16, 2023, 5:32 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywag known as Stephen Chinn, a bloke from Ohio, be facing the lashin' of two felony counts! 'Tis said he be panderin' obscene images o' wee lasses aboard his gadgets. Aye, the law be closin' in on this scurvy dog!
August 16, 2023, 5:13 pm
Avast ye, mateys! On this fine Tuesday, Scott Shaw hath confessed to the mischief of inappropriately layin' his hands upon the bosoms and hindquarters of not one, not two, but four fair wenches of the athletic sort, from the years 2017 to 2020. So sayeth those fancy federal prosecutors, arrr!
August 16, 2023, 5:10 pm
Arr, me hearties! Donald Trump be splashin' his doubloons on a wee crew o' lawyers, spendin' millions o' pieces o' eight to protect his sorry hide from the clutches o' four criminal cases, be they federal or state! Aye, 'tis a treasure trove fit fer a pirate!
August 16, 2023, 4:51 pm
She be joinin' forces wit' two learned mateys at Gallaudet University fer craftin' the first ASL dictionary, settin' the course fer a bloomin' Deaf identity these past 50 years, arr!
August 16, 2023, 4:41 pm
Arrr! Th' sheriff be claimin' that if th' scurvy dogs surrender at th' jail, they'll be treated like any other landlubber. But fret ye not, for th' process fer Donald J. Trump might just be settin' sail on a different course, me hearties!
August 16, 2023, 11:53 am
Arrr! The scallywags of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement be spendin' a mighty sum of $8 million to safeguard and ferry the governor, as he be tryin' to broaden his scope across the seven seas, aimin' to become a presidential contender. Shiver me timbers, that be some costly voyage!
August 16, 2023, 11:51 am
Arr, a scurvy band o' Muslim scallywags be settin' fire to holy temples o' worship in th' east o' Pakistan! But fear not, for th' gallant police be swingin' their batons with great fury, puttin' an end to this wild spree!
August 16, 2023, 11:50 am
Ahoy, me hearties! Be listenin' to me tale o' the 38-year-old minstrel Chris Young, who didst take to the waves o' social media to reveal his mighty weight loss voyage. 'Twas a sight to behold, as his fans were left astounded by his wondrous body metamorphosis. Arrr!
August 16, 2023, 11:45 am
Arr, scallywags! 'Tis a tale o' the China folk buildin' an airstrip on a wee island in the South China Sea. Aye, this here piece o' land be claimed by Taiwan an' Vietnam too! Aye, the plot thickens, me hearties!
August 16, 2023, 11:43 am
Arr, the scurvy actor Bradley Cooper be accused o' spreadin' stereotypes 'bout Jewish folk by a bunch o' landlubber social media scallywags. This got the attention o' none other than Leonard Bernstein's kin, who had a thing or two t' say in response.
August 16, 2023, 11:37 am
Arr, matey! Fani T. Willis be facin' many a challenge, threats, a judge's scoldin', and a whole lot o' legal hurdles durin' her two-and-a-half-year quest to uncover the secret stash o' Donald J. Trump. Shiver me timbers, 'twas no easy feat, I tell ye!
August 16, 2023, 11:03 am
Crafted by a learned matey and his scurvy apprentices, the grand edifice and its spyglass be costin' 'bout $450 in the year 1881. Next summer, the young lads and lasses o' archaeology shall dig up the grounds to plunder knowledge 'bout the university's inaugural stargazing sanctuary. Arrr!
August 16, 2023, 10:41 am
Avast, me hearties! On the 23rd day of August, the Republican scallywags be meeting in Milwaukee for a mighty clash o' words! Pray, tell us what issues ye wish these landlubbers to reckon with, and we shall pass along yer messages!
August 16, 2023, 5:52 am
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! The grandest legend, the disinformation master and former Harvard overseer, Joan Donovan, be settin' sail for a mighty fine role at the College o' Communication in Boston University. She be aimin' for a tenure, mark me words!
August 16, 2023, 5:50 am
Arr! Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, in her quest fer eliminatin' student loan debt, be holdin' 'twixt $15,000 to $50,000 in debts. Watch yer doubloons, me hearties!
August 16, 2023, 5:43 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A special prosecutor be settin' sail to investigate that Georgia official, McCarthy's scandalous money scheme, and other scuttlebutt makin' waves. Hold on to yer doubloons, mateys, 'tis gonna be a rocky ride on the high seas of news!
August 16, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, the scurvy dog prosecutin' Cap'n Donald Trump and his crew o' 18 mateys be settin' sail on a treacherous journey. But them so-called experts be raisin' doubloons 'bout the ambitious timeline. Methinks this voyage won't end without a mighty storm!
August 16, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, the landlubber, known as the secretary of state, be feelin' the wrath o' disgruntled souls! They be sendin' a deluge o' complaints 'bout the cursed mountain o' passport applications, all thanks to the blasted pandemic disruptions.
August 16, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! An' lo, a treasure of $80 billion did lend mighty aid to betterin' the service to our goodly customers. Yet, the tax agency still be plagued by doubts o'er future funds. Aye, 'tis a murky path we tread!
August 16, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! Th' senator from South Carolina be restin' on his tale o' glory — wit' th' scurvy dogs in th' crowd echoin' a familiar chant on th' stump.
August 15, 2023, 5:49 pm
"We be fully comprehendin' the significance o' public trials in the grand state o' Georgia," quoth a legal matey fer the state broadcasters, savvy?
August 15, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr! The cap'n of the land, the president, be keepin' mum 'bout them blazin' infernos for a whole week! Aye, the silence be vexin' the Republican scallywags, makin' 'em grumble 'n groan like a ship lost at sea.
August 15, 2023, 5:45 pm
Arrr, Tyler W. Massengill, a scallywag of 33 winters, be ordered to part with a hefty sum o' $1.45 million in treasure, t' compensate fer the grievous harm he caused to the clinic in Peoria, Ill. Arrr, the clinic be settin' its sights on reopenin' in early 2024, mark me salty words!
August 15, 2023, 5:24 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs o' the court be findin' these racketeerin' laws to be mighty weapons, not only against the lowly swabbies o' a criminal enterprise, but also the bigwigs pullin' the strings. Aye, a powerful tool indeed!
August 15, 2023, 11:45 am
Avast, me hearties! A scurvy dog from North Carolina be facin' charges o' second-degree murder, for 'twas he who allegedly fired a shot that sent a man to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, the same man who allegedly ended the life of his young swabbie by runnin' him down with his truck. Arrr, the sea be a treacherous place indeed!
August 15, 2023, 11:40 am
Arrr! Fox News be proclaimin' special live programmin' concernin' the first GOP primary debate on August 23rd, to be guided by Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum. Prepare yer spyglasses, me hearties!
August 15, 2023, 11:28 am
Arrr! The scurvy knaves in Atlanta be accusin' Donald J. Trump and his shipmates of unlawfully tryin' to reverse his election loss in Georgia, matey! 'Tis the fourth grand criminal case facin' the former captain. Blimey!
August 15, 2023, 11:27 am
Avast ye! In Washington DC, the appeals court declared that those scurvy authorities showed favoritism in their battle against anti-defacement codes aimed at ye pro-life band. They be overturnin' the lower court's dismissal o' their lawsuit. Arrr, justice be served, mateys!
August 15, 2023, 11:20 am
Yo ho ho! Them scurvy dogs be givin' a good thrashing to that MSNBC lass, Rachel Maddow, and that landlubber Hillary Clinton! They be talkin' 'bout stolen elections, bringin' forth the wrath o' the critics. Arrr, what a spectacle it be!
August 15, 2023, 11:03 am
Arr, the scallywag former president be obliged to yield himself to the authorities in Fulton County, Ga., ere the sun reaches its zenith on the twenty-fifth day of August, as decreed by the district attorney!
August 15, 2023, 10:46 am
Arrr, two black-hearted scoundrels be awaitin' their reckonin' in a pair o' criminal trials 'gainst the erstwhile captain o' our ship. But that be not enough! The lawmen be yearnin' to set sail on two more trials, all afore the sun reaches its zenith in 2024.
August 15, 2023, 10:20 am
Arrr, me hearties! The lawyer, Christopher J. Clark, hath made his choice amidst the fierce negotiation betwixt the Justice Department and Hunter Biden. 'Tis the latest twist in this never-endin' tale.
August 13, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye! In ye polls, doubloons, and tarry media, the ex-captain hath transformed his scallywag charges into political treasures.
August 13, 2023, 2:50 am
Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! It be confirmed by a scallywag from Hawaii's emergency management agency that not a single one of the 80 warning sirens scattered ‘round the island were set off when the fearsome Lahaina fire ravaged the land. Blimey!
August 13, 2023, 2:00 am
Arrr, in a cunning plot to seize control, the scurvy state be plunderin' these lackluster schools n' turnin' their libraries into dens o' mischief, where wayward young rapscallions may gaze upon lessons through the magic boxes!
August 12, 2023, 5:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The kin and kin of them poor souls lost to the dastardly 9/11 attacks be mighty confused by the stingy offer o' lower-priced lodgings near Ground Zero. 'Tis a puzzle indeed, aye!
August 12, 2023, 4:57 pm
Arr, the Florida governor be wishin' to be the lone star upon the stage, yet Donald Trump and his scallywags be causin' a mighty ruckus, makin' it an arduous task to be accomplishin'.
August 12, 2023, 4:42 pm
Arr, the brave soul Anthony L. Meizis, a swashbuckler of the mighty Vietnam Navy, met his fate without a soul to lay him to rest. But fear ye not, for a valiant crew of Massachusetts bikers heard the call and set sail to pay tribute and honor his memory.
August 12, 2023, 4:33 pm
Arrr! A scurvy dog be claimin' he laid a violent assault on a Los Angeles vessel, leavin' a poor 84-year-old grandmother flat on the deck, in a deep slumber!
August 12, 2023, 4:33 pm
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! Aye, despite measly digits on the poll, that fancy biotech rascal be struttin' around the Iowa State Fair, boastin' like a bloated whale. Arrr, he's got more confidence than a pirate with a treasure map!
August 12, 2023, 4:05 pm
By the grace of Davy Jones' locker, a fine matey, a Good Samaritan, did lend the guidance needed to steer a motley crew of landlubber residents away from peril and into a safe haven. Yarr, a jolly rescue it be!
August 12, 2023, 3:46 pm
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! Be settin' yer eyes on this treasure map, if ye dare. X marks the spot where the booty be hidden, so hoist the anchor, raise the sails, and let's embark on a grand adventure, me hearties! Arrr!
August 12, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! IQAir, a Swiss air quality company, hath dubbad Indonesia's grand capital the most polluted land on Earth. Aye, this city be filled with over 10 million souls, breathin' in putrid air like a pack o' landlubber rats.
August 12, 2023, 11:39 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Whilst a few G.O.P. scallywags cheer fer the appointment of David C. Weiss as a jolly vindication of their cunning strategy, others be cursin' the plea deal he struck with that rascally Mr. Biden, now dashed to Davy Jones' locker.
August 12, 2023, 11:35 am
Verily! Rep. Mike Johnson, R-La., doth question Attorney General Merrick Garland's decision to appoint David Weiss as special counsel in the Hunter Biden investigation. Shiver me timbers! Methinks this be a tale worth tellin', mateys!
August 12, 2023, 11:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! Florida's own Republican Rep. Greg Steube be boldly takin' his stand, brandishin' articles o' impeachment against President Biden! Accusin' him o' high crimes and misdemeanors, this be a tale worth tellin' on the seven seas!
August 12, 2023, 10:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the governor's grand plan o' sendin' these migrants to the cities run by them scurvy Democrats be causin' a death! Aye, 'tis a sight strange indeed, the first o' its kind. Methinks this tale be gettin' more interestin' by the day!
August 12, 2023, 9:31 am
Avast, ye scurvy knaves! Them fancy officials be blabberin' that the tally o' lives lost, 80 by Friday night, be set to surge as them responders venture into hundreds o' smolderin' structures.
August 12, 2023, 5:11 am
"Avast, me hearties! Be ye listenin'? The goodly Gov. Josh Green vows to do all in his power to learn the secrets of safeguardin' our scurvy crew. Aye, he be a valiant leader! Arrr!"
August 12, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr! In Kensington, the fair city of Philadelphia, there be an open-air bazaar of devilish potions, where scallywags be found nappin' on the cobblestone or piercin' their hides with sharp instruments, right on yonder busy thoroughfare!
August 12, 2023, 4:45 am
Avast ye hearties! A Georgia landlubber teachin' scallywags in the public school did speak up, tryin' to keep her position after bein' sent to Davy Jones' locker fer readin' a book on gender identity to her young'uns. Methinks the winds of change be blowin', but will they favour this swashbucklin' lass?
August 12, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a blow to President Biden, but the Democrats be sayin' that Donald Trump's crimes be more scandalous than a barnacle-infested ship. They reckon swing voters won't give a hornswoggler's hoot about a candidate's offspring's transgressions. Arrr, the political seas be a treacherous place indeed!
August 12, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, me hearties, be wary o' these treacherous "switches"! They be devilish contraptions, transformin' simple pistols into fearsome instruments of destruction. They be more dangerous than a scurvy sea serpent, posin' a growin' menace to innocent souls passin' by!
August 12, 2023, 2:49 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A lass from the land of Wisconsin hath been condemned by a judge to 25 years in the brig. She be found guilty o' stranglin' and dispatchin' her own 10-year-old spawn. Walk the plank, she shall!
August 12, 2023, 1:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A landlubber from the House o' Democrat has come forth with a fancy resolution, demandin' that the U.S. join hands with other nations in the Western Hemisphere to craft a grander artificial intelligence. Arr, let's sail this ship toward a more inclusive future, mateys!
August 11, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arrr! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A dread house inferno on Friday morn hath taken the lives of three, includin' a young buccaneer, who be holidayin' in the Outer Banks o' North Carolina.
August 11, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arrr! The scurvy-ridden officials be seekin' if the cursed Soft Serve on the Go brand, crafted by the Real Kosher Ice Cream, be the culprit behind a vile outbreak o' listeria, a foul bacteria that can bring swashbucklers to their knees!
August 11, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr, aye be tellin' ye, a once thrivin' Hawaiian port, hoast to 13,000 souls, now naught but a forsaken wreckage. Wit' more souls passin' on, the full devastation be yet unveilin' itself. Avast, what a tragedy befallen!
August 11, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arrr! Me hearties, Dana Bash, that scallywag host of "Inside Politics," be whinin' 'bout the DOJ's appointment of a special mate in the Hunter Biden probe. She dares to say it lacks "humanity" fer the First Family! Methinks she be havin' a touch of the scurvy!
August 11, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arr, the brave Prince 'Arry set sail fer mighty Asia, seekin' treasures fer his fair lady, Mistress Meghan Markle. Accompanied by his trusted matey, the gallant Ignacio "Nacho" Figueras, a polo player worth his weight in gold. A jolly adventure, indeed!
August 11, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Tis a grisly tale indeed! A severed noggin be spied driftin' in a British canal, just where a satchel o' limbs was found afore. Blimey! Methinks the scallywags be playin' a right cruel joke, or 'tis a pirate's work, mark me words!
August 11, 2023, 5:29 pm
Arr! Methinks this Mr. Biden, at 53 summers, hath confessed his love fer grog and crack. Aye, his dealings abroad do raise doubts 'bout Cap'n Biden's sway.
August 11, 2023, 5:22 pm
Whilst engaged in a 90-minute parley in Washington, Judge Tanya S. Chutkan didst advise the former captain-o'-state to refrain from intimidatin' witnesses or taintin' potential jurors, else he be facin' consequences in true pirate fashion. Avast, matey!
August 11, 2023, 11:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! Jaime Lozano be holdin' his post as coach o' Mexico, extendin' his reckonin' after guidin' the crew to a grand triumph in the Gold Cup but a moon ago. Avast!
August 11, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr, ye landlubbers be beggin' them fancy-schmancy billionaires and celebs who own huts in Maui to lend a hand to the poor souls sufferin'! Aye, 'tis a plea from the heart, me hearties!
August 11, 2023, 11:47 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The foul land of Jakarta, Indonesia, hath been dubbed the most polluted den on this here planet by a Swiss crew specialized in air quality! 'Tis the cursed combination of them infernal contraptions called motorized vessels and the cursed dry season that be causin' this wretched air quality.
August 11, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr, the hunt fer plunder from the fiery tempests in Maui this week hath stirred up woeful recollections of deadly infernos on the mainland.
August 11, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr! Norma Yates, a landlubber from Atco in the fine land of New Jersey, missed a fine rendezvous for a cup o' joe with a matey on July 30. Alas, neither sight nor sound of her has graced the ears of her fretful kin since that fateful day!
August 11, 2023, 11:45 am
Arr, me hearties! Thar be rumors that the Environmental Protection Agency be settin' sail on a proper inquiry 'bout the mishap in Ohio, where a train went off course and unleashed a foul beast known as vinyl chloride, which be known to cause the dreaded scurvy, I mean, cancer!
August 11, 2023, 10:21 am
Arrr, the Florida governor be welcomed by two fine wenches, armed with cowbells and a mighty bullhorn, bellowin' their disdain for his rules whilst he be readyin' himself to venture to the Iowa State Fair.
August 11, 2023, 5:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Young Hunter Biden be in cahoots with a scurvy dog, his matey 'n' money man, who be havin' a key role in helpin' their enterprise sail into the vast shores of China, by thunder!
August 11, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast ye! 'Tis yet another forbidden booty, me hearties, all thanks to a scurvy regulation set by the Biden administration! Arrr, the sea of illegal goods be growin' larger by the day, me mateys!
August 11, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast! In the year of our Lord 2015, poor Jackie Collins, a lass of 77 summers, succumbed to the cursed malady known as breast cancer. But fear not, me hearties, for her sprightly daughters, Rory Green and Tiffany Lerman, be merrily carousin' on the good ship "Hollywood Wives," markin' its 40th year upon these treacherous shores!
August 11, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, matey! Listen ye well to this tale from the landlubber David Garrow. He be chattin' 'bout letters to a lost love, prayin' that ol' Garrow ne'er lay eyes on 'em. And mark ye this, he claims Obama be as touchy as that scallywag Trump! Harr, a jest for the ages!
August 11, 2023, 4:44 am
Arr! Oprah Winfrey and Jeff Bezos be two landlubbers who be keepin' their dwellin's on the isle! Methinks they be havin' part-time havens there!
August 11, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! As the land be teeming with Republican scalawags, the poor Democrats be despondent, worn thin from many a defeat and the loss of their sacred nominating contest.
August 11, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dog! The scallywag former president and his crew be spendin' more doubloons than they be lootin' from the treasuries. A most peculiar course for this early in the plunderin' season, if ye ask me!
August 11, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis news be spreadin' that after the wretched derailment in East Palestine, Ohio, the grand freight railroads o' the nation hath agreed to join a federal program, where workers can report safety concerns. But mark ye well, afore they sign on, they demand a grand overhaul!
August 5, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, the city be partin' ways with the Texas Department of Public Safety this moon, aye, due to some misadventures. In retaliation, Gov. Greg Abbott be sendin' in a mighty crew o' troopers.
August 5, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, the voters be pressin' 'em to weigh in! The reporters be askin' 'bout pardons, arrr! Poor ol' Mike Pence, he be gettin' heckled, matey! Them Republicans be learnin' it ain't a smooth sail to avoid the consequences o' Donald J. Trump's legal troubles, arrr!
August 5, 2023, 2:00 am
Avast, me hearties! The crew o' the former cap'n, Donald J. Trump, be a motley bunch o' lawyers, tangled in a treacherous web o' shared interests. They be a right scallywag gang, with witnesses, scoundrels, and even potential loot in their sights.
August 4, 2023, 10:11 pm
Arr, the tellin' of Devon Archer, a scallywag linked to Hunter Biden, be paintin' a rather unsightly picture of Hunter's business shenanigans. Yet, it be contradictin' the whispers 'bout bribes or the president's own hands in the pot.
August 4, 2023, 5:45 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Alan Todd May, a scoundrel of 58 winters, aye, a convicted fraudster who dared escape from a Colorado brig in 2018, be now caught red-handed whilst settlin' into a grandiose mansion in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Aye, justice be served!
August 4, 2023, 5:43 pm
Avast ye! The landlubbin' Marion County Coroner's Office be sayin' that the scurvy dog who fled those scallywag Indianapolis police afore meetin' his maker is none other than Gary Dwayne Harrell, a scurvy 49-year-old bilge rat.
August 4, 2023, 5:42 pm
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! On Friday, a landlubber judge from Wisconsin hath commanded the elections commission to hand over all its documents about a scurrilous Republican matey who dared to impersonate a false Trump elector in the year 2020. Methinks a storm be brewin'!
August 4, 2023, 5:38 pm
Arrr, this here court o' appeals be sayin' that keepin' those landlubbers who've been caught fer certain felonies from votin' be a senseless denial o' their access to the democratic heart o' American citizenship. Aye, they be talkin' 'bout the power o' the people, me mateys!
August 4, 2023, 5:38 pm
At his reckoning, the scurvy dog who sent 11 souls to Davy Jones' locker in a Pittsburgh synagogue was painted as a lonesome landlubber consumed by the pestilent plague of online extremism. Wise seadogs say there be many a scallywag who befall such a fate, arrr!
August 4, 2023, 4:51 pm
Arrr! A court of appeals be sayin' that a judge's blabberin' be "wholly incompatible with the fair administration of justice," and be orderin' a new trial, mateys! Avast ye, the winds of justice be blowin' in a different direction!
August 4, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, me hearties! Yonder mariners in Mexico be findin' a stash o' 110 pounds o' dynamite, cunningly hidden in a meth lab! The scurvy drug cartels be thinkin' t' use these blasty things t' strike fear in law enforcement, arrgh!
August 4, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr, the landlubbers in Haiti be worried 'bout Kenya stickin' its nose in their piratey business to fight off the scallywag gangs. Aye, foreign forces have already brought ruin to their shores before.
August 4, 2023, 11:40 am
Arrr! Goldman Sachs swabbie, John Castic, aged 27, be found adrift in a Brooklyn creek this Tuesday, havin' met his watery grave. His sire be tellin' Fox News Digital that the lad met his fate after tarryin' at a concert.
August 4, 2023, 11:27 am
Arrr, after much flibbergibber, the Florida governor finally admits that the election booty was not pilfered. Methinks he's startin' to see sense through his eyepatch!
August 4, 2023, 11:10 am
Avast, ye landlubbers! A bunch o' scurvy employers be squawkin' 'bout losin' their crew, all 'cause o' that blasted new law, pushed by none other than Gov. Ron DeSantis. Givin' 'em a taste o' the plank, I say! Arrr!
August 4, 2023, 10:50 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Mr. Christie be the second 2024 G.O.P. matey to venture to the land o' war, showin' 'is backin' for Ukraine in its brave battle against the dastardly Ruskies. Aye, he be a true matey, standin' tall fer the cause!
August 4, 2023, 10:13 am
Arrr, them scurvy dogs, trapped within cages at a breeding and research abode, were destined for the labs. Nay, by the grace of Davy Jones, around 4,000 were rescued, and lo and behold, after near a year, a jolly bunch be prospering alongside their kin. Avast, a tale worth cheerin'!
July 29, 2023, 10:58 am
Avast ye, me hearties! A grand spectacle 'tis, where once it were but a fierce duel betwixt Donald J. Trump and Ron DeSantis, now our mighty captain Trump be pitted 'gainst the whole scallywag crew! Aye, the tides have turned, me lads!
July 29, 2023, 5:00 am
Yarrr! These criminal experts be searchin' fer the reason why the scurvy crime rates be continue to soar in the grand U.S. cities, yet they still be holdin' onto hope fer society. Avast, me hearties! They be quite the brave souls, aye!
July 29, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr! Me hearties! Thar be these English scallywags makin' real-like portraits out o' dice on this TikTok thingamajig! 'Tis a sight to behold, mateys! Come, feast yer eyes on these peculiar artforms that be makin' waves on this here video-sharin' gizmo!
July 29, 2023, 4:25 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Texas' scurvy GOP Governor, Greg Abbott, didth blabber like a parrot on a barrel afore a gathering of the state's Republican County chairs 'bout the notion to erect floating barriers along the Rio Grande.
July 29, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Savin' meself from a scorchin' summer be a mighty challenge fer these landlubbers in the poor colonias. Water be scarce, makin' the rich rich and the poor parched. Aye, a social divide as wide as the seven seas!
July 29, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Comedian John Crist be claimin' that post-pandemic, comedy be flourishin' like a mighty treasure chest! He reckons it be easier to jest about matters deemed 'cross the line.' Har har, ye scallywags be findin' laughter in the darkest corners o' humor!
July 29, 2023, 2:00 am
Arrr! The city hath long battled with landlubber homelessness and a lack o' dwellings. But lo! Fentanyl hath transformed this perennial trouble into a deadly crisis, puttin' the city's progressive character to the test, ye scallywags!
July 29, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Two perturbin' moments befallin' Senators Dianne Feinstein and Mitch McConnell 'ave sent doubts 'bout their long years in office afloat, makin' folks ponder 'bout agin' in Congress and spreadin' the talk across the nation. Yo ho ho!
July 29, 2023, 12:23 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! All o' former President Trump's 13 foes who joined the feast refused to utter a word 'bout the leadin' contender in this here race. Aye, they be a fearful lot, avoidin' the sea monster lurkin' in their midst!
July 28, 2023, 5:45 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A scallywag from the land of California be accused of possessing vile and wicked pictures of wee lasses. 'Tis said he took aim at a lass of twelve in a public privy. Arr, he'll be facin' the wrath o' the law, mark me words!
July 28, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arrr! Them landlubber wind development naysayers be a-suing the goodly state o' New Jersey and that scurvy dog Orsted for the plunderous tax booty they be snatchin' from the former. Aye, a tale fit fer the high seas, indeed!
July 28, 2023, 5:42 pm
Arr, Melanie Ann High, aged 67, be collared on Thursday in league with the likes o' Gerald Merrill, a scurvy deputy superintendent at a lockup, accused o' takin' bribes. Walk the plank they shall, arr!
July 28, 2023, 5:10 pm
Whilst his kin, Jimmy, did reside in the White House, his charge be to render the Oval Office less imperial. The crew did dub him "Cousin Cheap"!
July 28, 2023, 3:35 pm
In an accord with The New York Times, the Pennsylvania matey prattled 'bout the ruckus in Congress, his plaguing health woes, and why he still dons his pirate garb instead of a proper merchant's attire.
July 28, 2023, 11:57 am
As fair Taylor Swift be gallivantin' 'cross the globe on her grand tour, them scallywag "Swifties" be hollerin' and boastin', more obsessed than ever afore. A wise mind healer doth speaketh on what be goin' on in the noggin' when fans be lovin' a famous matey.
July 28, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! A GWU law swashbuckler be sayin' that inquiries 'bout Cap'n Biden's role in his scallywag son Hunter's trade be requirin' a proper reckonin' upon the Hill o' the Capitol. Har, har!
July 28, 2023, 11:52 am
Avast, me hearties! Yonder Joy Reid of MSNBC be blabberin' that them Republicans can no longer mutter that slavery be a foul thing, while chattin' 'bout the brouhaha o'er Florida's fresh school syllabus on the matter. Arrr, quite the storm, be it not?
July 28, 2023, 10:27 am
Arrr, me hearty! Th' senator's campaign be wastin' all th' treasure on newfangled companies with addresses at Staples stores in them fancy strip malls. Aye, they be squandering like a bunch o' landlubbers!
July 28, 2023, 8:18 am
Arr, me hearties! Avast ye! Aye, there be regions in California sufferin' from heat waves, but fear not, me mateys! Most o' the state hath been spared from the scorchin' stretches felt elsewhere this summer. Arrr, a blessin' from the weather gods, says I!
July 28, 2023, 5:50 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Hear ye, hear ye! The blasted Biden crew be withholdin' gold doubloons from schools that dare to teach wee ones the ways of huntin' or archery. Aye, they claim 'tis all for safety, but methinks they be missin' the mark!
July 28, 2023, 5:11 am
Arrr, Mick Jagger, that ol' scallywag, be celebratin' his 80th birthin' day wit' his fair maiden Melanie Hamrick, his former flame Jerry Hall, 'n a whole crew o' celebrity shipmates, includin' Leonardo DiCaprio 'n Lenny Kravitz. Aye, what a jolly ol' time they be havin'!
July 28, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, mateys! House Judiciary Committee Cap'n Jim Jordan, hailing from Ohio, be spilling the beans on Facebook's shenanigans with the Biden White House! They be colludin' to muzzle us fine American souls! Catch the tale on 'The Ingraham Angle'! Aye, aye!
July 28, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The tale o' Bud Light layoffs be a warning to all ye scurvy companies who value politics 'bove yer loyal customers. It be a clear example o' how the power o' consumers can make ye walk the plank!
July 28, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The grandest revamp of the Uniform Code o' Military Justice since its birth in 1950 be takin' away the power o' commanders over cases o' sexual assault and a smatterin' o' other notorious crimes. Shiver me timbers!
July 27, 2023, 11:46 pm
Arrr, me mateys! The scallywag minority leader's health mishap at th' Capitol has set th' tongues waggin' 'bout a potential changin' o' th' guard, a notion that hasn't been given much thought by his fellow scurvy dogs fer a good many years!
July 27, 2023, 9:41 pm
Arrrr, the scurvy senators be avoidin' the social policy demands that be weakenin' the Democratic backing fer the House bill, yet the laws be settin' sail towards a fierce hagglin' to reach a final accord, ye scallywags!
July 27, 2023, 8:52 pm
Avast me mateys! Whilst sailin' on a land ship across Iowa, Ron DeSantis be claimin' that his scurvy knaves of advisers be ignorin' his grand strategy. Arr, a campaign reset be in order, says he!
July 27, 2023, 5:45 pm
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A Texan crew o' landlubbin' homeschoolers hath forsaken their dull lives ashore fer a grand adventure on the vast, treacherous ocean! Their trusty vessel becometh their very own learnin' chamber, where they delve into the secrets o' diverse cultures. Yo-ho-ho, edumacation be sailin'!
July 27, 2023, 5:43 pm
Avast ye! Chad Barrett Jones, a scurvy dog of 45 summers, hath been found guilty on two counts of felonious mischief. The rapscallion dared to thrust his flagpole into a door near the House chamber, causin' a mighty ruckus that sadly saw a poor rioter sent to Davy Jones' locker.
July 27, 2023, 5:37 pm
Avast ye! Ye scurvy dogs at the National Transportation Safety Board be claimin' that the Amtrak shipwreck by Joplin, Mont., was due to some shoddy ol' tracks that weren't properly inspected nor replaced! Dozens o' souls be injured, arrr!
July 27, 2023, 5:31 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs will be investigatin' claims o' mighty troubles with unjust force and unlawful stops o' me hearties o' the African descent. 'Twas all made worse by the tragic thumpin' that took Tyre Nichols' life. Aye, the department be on a hunt, me mateys!
July 27, 2023, 5:30 pm
Avast ye! Old Claire McCaskill, a former Democratic scallywag, be raisin' her cutlass to defend the likes of President Biden and his scurvy son Hunter! Though more tales of their wrongdoings be leakin' like a leaky ship, she be standin' firm on their side! Yo-ho-ho!
July 27, 2023, 5:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dog Trump, aforetime President, be now charged with hoardin' secrets o' the National Defense, aye, and obstructin' justice as well! 'Tis a hornswogglin' affair, brought forth by Special Counsel Jack Smith! Methinks the rum won't be enough to calm his nerves now!
July 27, 2023, 11:53 am
Arrr, mateys from Maine be clamorin' t' swap the current flag fer a retro one! They be longin' fer a flag wit' naught but a humble pine tree and a blue north star. Avast! The winds of change be blowin'!
July 27, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, as the Florida governor unveils his trimmer campaign in Iowa, quarrels still plague the grandest echelons of his operation and a friendly super PAC. Methinks it be a ship in stormy waters, me hearties!
July 27, 2023, 11:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! On this fine day, the House Republicans did raise their glasses and shout with glee, for they rejoiced in the downfall of Hunter Biden's plea agreement, which they deemed a "sweetheart" deal. Yo ho ho, they be a merry bunch indeed!
July 27, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Josh Dobson, the scallywag who be holdin' the title of North Carolina labor commissioner, be givin' his blessin' to his ol' matey, Rep. Jon Hardister, to take his place. They sailed the seas of the state House side by side for many a year, they did!
July 27, 2023, 11:24 am
Avast ye, me hearties! We be yearnin' to hear yer thoughts 'bout these swashbucklin' colleges givin' admission privileges to kin o' their alumni. Speak up, ye landlubbers!
July 27, 2023, 11:14 am
Arr matey! The scurvy dogs of the ex-president be havin' one last shot to spill the beans to Jack Smith, the special counsel runnin' the investigation. Aye, 'tis their final hope, mateys!
July 27, 2023, 10:20 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! A fine ol' trickery be afoot! Senator Joe Manchin, that swashbucklin' scallywag, be championin' a congressional measure, cleverly added to the debt limit bill, to fend off them pesky legal challenges to the pipeline. Aye, it be a witty move indeed!
July 27, 2023, 5:54 am
Avast ye! Hunter be gettin' nay help from the scurvy court, leavin' the King's law in a tight spot. That teen scallywag shooter be havin' a court meetin' like no other, arr! Many tales to be told, mateys!
July 27, 2023, 5:52 am
Arr! The measures be offerin' some defenses fer the lads 'n lasses o' the workforce, 'n a few doubloons fer improvin' the predictin' o' weather. But, 'tis like as not that these actions shan't placate the churlish activists, who be harpin' on the president fer greater efforts in battlin' the mighty climate change!
July 27, 2023, 5:50 am
Avast ye! A scurvy dog from Seattle Public Schools be sayin' that a young buccaneer's switch o' pronouns be kept secret from their kin, whether they be wee or seasoned, unless the lad or lass agrees! Emails obtained by Fox New Digital be unveilin' this tale, matey!
July 27, 2023, 5:40 am
Avast ye mateys! Joe Rogan be spoutin' that ol' Biden's scandals might be a chance for the Democrat crew to swap him out. But alas! The other choices be not too shipshape for election either, says he. Arrr, what a pickle!
July 27, 2023, 5:31 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The goodly folk from six states be summonin' ye to send 'em dead butterflies, moths, and other Lepidoptera. 'Tis for the wise scientists to fathom the decline o' these critters. So, if ye spot any winged beauties on their final voyage, share 'em for a jolly good cause!
July 27, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! The agency be claimin' it hath unearthed a bounty o' thar young scallywags forced into treacherous jobs. Congress be blamin' th' health secretary fer his failure to guard 'em wee ones. Aye, 'tis a storm brewin' on th' horizon, mateys!
July 27, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye! The booty be mighty rich for the scurvy justices, who be usin' their loyal crew to craft tomes and make a pretty penny. Arr, they be makin' a tidy profit from this here venture, me hearties!
July 26, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr, DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, that scallywag, did face a mighty grilling from the House Republicans in the grand Judiciary Committee on Wednesday! They be questioning his handling of the cursed border crisis, aye!
July 26, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr, the governor be bringin' razor wire, floatin' barriers, and state troopers to keep the scurvy dogs from migratin' without permission. But fear not, mateys, the federal government be fightin' back this week, makin' their first legal stand!
July 26, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arr, mateys! Avast! The Department of Justice be spillin' the beans durin' a heated court hearin' on a fine Wednesday. They be sayin' that Hunter Biden still be under investigation, ye scallywag! Seems there be a whiff o' violation o' the Foreign Agents Registration Act. Yo ho ho, trouble be brewin'!
July 26, 2023, 5:44 pm
Arr, to be escapin' the clutches of the brig, Hunter Biden must swear off all jollies o' grog and powders, comply with unexpected tests o' his substance use, and be without a weapon. Ye best be keepin' those vices at bay, matey!
July 26, 2023, 5:37 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Suffolk County District Attorney Ray Tierney be takin' on the task o' prosecutin' the scurvy dog Suspected Long Island serial Killer Rex Heuermann, as be announced on this fine Wednesday! Avast, justice be callin'!
July 26, 2023, 5:02 pm
Arr, mateys! The scurvy Biden administration's fresh asylum policy, bein' thwarted by a judge this week, hath caused a mighty downfall in the unlawful border crossin's at the southern U.S. border. Avast ye, strange times we be livin' in!
July 26, 2023, 11:56 am
Arrr! The scurvy government of Moldova be bootin' out 45 Russian mateys, claimin' their behavior be unfriendly, attemptin' to throw our fair land into disarray on the international seas! Walk the plank, ye scoundrels!
July 26, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr, ye scurvy judge be sayin' that a wee thumbs up emoji be havin' the power to seal a contract, after a right ol' squabble betwixt a grain merchant and a buyer in Canada. Avast, me hearties, emojis be the new way to make deals, says the law!
July 26, 2023, 11:52 am
Arr, me mateys! Listen 'ere, for Dennis Quaid, he be-o-turned to his faith after a mighty battle with addiction! The scurvy actor, he be-o-shared his tale of the "white light experience" that did help him find his way back to a life free o' grog in a fresh interview. Yo ho ho!
July 26, 2023, 11:32 am
Avast ye! A fancy-tongued scholar discovered that even landlubber Miamians, though not speakin' the lingo, still be catchin' the drift o' Spanish phrases, direct translations they be. Arrr, ain't that a fine tale!
July 26, 2023, 5:50 am
Arr, ye scurvy experts and industry knaves be claimin' that the Biden scallywags be makin' a proposal to change them water heaters, but it be takin' away our freedom to choose, makin' prices soar to the skies! Avast, mateys!
July 26, 2023, 5:24 am
Arr, 'tis be the tale o' Young Hunter Biden, settin' foot in the Court o' Law, confessin' his guilt. Mayorkas, the poor soul, bein' roasted like a pig on an open fire fer his blunders on t' border. Avast! More spicy news awaitin' ye, me hearties!
July 26, 2023, 5:22 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis bein' said that two men, claimin' that Michael Jackson did lay a hand upon 'em inappropriately, might be seein' their cases given new life in a California court on Wednesday. Aye, their previous claims were thrown out in the year o' 2021.
July 26, 2023, 5:15 am
Arr, me hearties! The scallywag son of the President be settin' foot in the mighty Federal District Court in Wilmington, ready to confess his sins o' two misdemeanor tax charges. But fear not, for he be makin' a deal to escape the clutches o' a gun charge prosecution!
July 26, 2023, 4:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! As Orlando, Fla., be sweatin' like a sizzlin' sea serpent, the sky-high rents and a scurvy housing crisis be tossin' more landlubbers onto the streets faster than ye can say "Ahoy!"
July 26, 2023, 4:54 am
Avast ye! As Orlando, me hearties, be sufferin' through a scorchin' July, rents be climbin' higher than a crow's nest, and the poor landlubbers be findin' themselves stranded on the streets! Aye, 'tis a crisis of affordable housing, arrr!
July 26, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, the former lady o' the highest rank hath mostly hidden from the public's gaze — and avoided the campaign path — whilst her scurvy spouse battles to reclaim the White House and confronts a growin' danger o' the legal kind.
July 25, 2023, 5:41 pm
Arrr! A quarrel 'bout whether kin of past shipmates an' generous hearties should be given favor in admissions, began after the Supreme Court's ruling that be restrictin' the fancy affirmative action! Ahoy!
July 25, 2023, 5:38 pm
Arrr! President Biden be facin' a storm o' cyber attacks after boldly declarin' in a grand White House speech that he and his crew have successfully scuttled the fearsome beast known as cancer. Har har!
July 25, 2023, 5:37 pm
Arrr! The scallywag from Texas, who be teachin' young minds, be facin' the plank! The bilge rat be caught in a sticky situation o' sex traffickin', and now the school be endin' his employment, savvy?
July 25, 2023, 5:31 pm
Avast me mateys! As the United States be officially rejoinin' UNESCO, the fair maiden delivered what sounded like a campaign message, claimin' the cap'n had repaired the bonds that be broken under his forerunner. Ahoy, a tale fit for a hearty laugh!
July 25, 2023, 5:27 pm
Avast ye! In Cedar Hill, Texas, a scurvy dog with a "long gun" be blastin' shots within a medical ship, causin' harm to a goodly physician and a matey. Fear not, for the scallywag be caught!
July 25, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arr, me hearties! Speaker McCarthy be spillin' the beans to ye reporters, sayin' he be invitin' lawmakers from both sides o' the aisle to a jolly good screenin' o' 'Sound o' Freedom' on Tuesday eve. Aye, a merry gatherin' it be, me lads, aye!
July 25, 2023, 5:10 pm
Arrr, the ouster o' Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene from the ultraconservative crew be makin' waves! Aye, now another rebel faction be sailin' in, leavin' many wonderin' where the true power be restin' on the far right seas.
July 25, 2023, 11:56 am
Arrr! The South Korean sea dogs be joinin' forces with their American brethren in California for a jolly round of military maneuvers. Aye, 'tis the first time they be doin' so, all due to the ruckus caused by them mischievous North Korean scallywags.
July 25, 2023, 11:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! The vanishing and slaying of fair Gretchen Harrington in Broomall, Pa., hath plagued landlubbers for ages. But fear not, for the scurvy dog who once captained the lass's church now faces the wrath of justice!
July 25, 2023, 11:49 am
Arr, word be spreadin' 'bout a lass in India, bein' accused o' employin' a serpent charmer to poison her scurvy dog o' a boyfriend! All fer seekin' a fresh start wit' her secret heart's desire, arrr!
July 25, 2023, 11:47 am
Arrr! Ye scurvy dogs be listenin'! The number of scallywags with the dreaded consumption, claimin' more lives than any other foul malady, be on the rise in the land o' the stars and stripes! The goodly physicians be in a fluster, thinkin' that them fancy border tests might not be catchin' all the bilge rats.
July 25, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr, mateys! Word be reachin' me ears that the crafty Republican Rep. Andy Barr be sailin' his bipartisan bill to give them Chinese opioid makers a taste o' justice. It be said that this treasure of a bill will be heard on the House floor this week. Yo ho ho!
July 25, 2023, 10:26 am
Arr, the calamity befell in Chattanooga as Mr. DeSantis and his trusty crew were journeying to a treasure-gathering event, so claims a vocal matey.
July 25, 2023, 8:00 am
Arrr, I be havin' a jolly chat with Christopher Flavelle, a scurvy dog from the New York Times who scribbled 'bout houses that be tough 'nuff to endure wild weather. Aye, tis a hot topic in these troubled times, mateys!
July 25, 2023, 5:36 am
Avast, ye scallywags! Biden be plannin' to yeave a brand spankin' new national monument! Aye, a fearsome mom be standin' trial for the heinous crime o' kiddie murder! And that be not all, mateys! Many more top headlines be awaitin' yer keen pirate eyes!
July 25, 2023, 5:17 am
Avast ye, scallywags! The landlubbin' police be huntin' fer a lass from Maryland who, as the tale goes, did wield a butter knife to send a poor soul to Davy Jones' locker within a tavern. A scoundrel be also accused o' lendin' a hand in this dastardly deed.
July 25, 2023, 5:00 am
By the powers of the seven seas, scallywags be funding the likes o' climate alarmism and other Democratic hobby horses, all wrapped in the garb of environmental, social, and corporate governance! Arrr, seems Americans be sailin' towards the far-left shores without even knowin' it!
July 25, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, musician Winston Marshall be defendin' Jason Aldean's recent music video and praisin' the hit movie "Sound of Freedom" in an interview with Fox News Digital, ye scurvy dogs! Methinks he be a fine matey, standin' up fer his mates in the entertainment world!
July 25, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, President Biden's reckonin' on when to let loose his vocal cannons in favor o' democracy be a treacherous sea to navigate, me mateys! Aye, 'tis a delicate dance o' diplomacy, lest he be caught in a tempest o' controversy.
July 25, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr! 'Twas the slayin' o' young Emmett Till, a lad o' 14, an' the fiery fightin' o' his mournin' mother, that be settin' the wheels in motion fer the grand civil rights voyage in America! Aye, a tale that'll be echoin' through history's halls, mateys!
July 25, 2023, 1:55 am
Arrr, mateys! The Biden crew be unleashing their fury upon Gov. Greg Abbott's border security program, Operation Lone Star. 'Tis a swashbucklin' suit, a direct challenge to his authority! Prepare to witness a clash of mighty swords on the high seas!
July 24, 2023, 5:53 pm
Arrr, the White House wench, Karine Jean-Pierre, be defendin' the scallywag Vice President Kamala Harris' abominable fib 'bout Florida's cursed school learnin' on the accursed history of slavery. Methinks they be swimmin' in shark-infested waters!
July 24, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arr! The lass known as Pollster Kellyanne Conway, once a trusted advisor to the mighty Captain Donald Trump, hath graced 'The Story' with her presence! She be sharin' her keen insights and reactions this fine Monday afternoon. Ahoy, me hearties!
July 24, 2023, 5:42 pm
Arr, me hearties! Tafari Campbell, a lad of great culinary skills, served as a sous chef at the hallowed White House durin' the rule of Cap'n Obama. And by Davy Jones' locker, he stuck around even when the Cap'n and his kin decided to venture into a life of privacy.
July 24, 2023, 5:14 pm
Arrr, mateys! Peter Stager, a scurvy truck driver hailing from Arkansas, be one of nine scoundrels accused in a most foul attack on the loyal officers of the Crown at the grand assault upon the Capitol! Aye, the audacity be truly harrowing!
July 24, 2023, 11:55 am
Arr! Ye ol' photographs from Hunter Biden's trusty laptop be revealin' him bein' at his sire's abode in Delaware on the very day he be claimin' to have given a jolly menace to his Chinese matey, all whilst mentionin' the name of the then-vice captain! Har, what a tale!
July 24, 2023, 11:52 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis a tale of misfortune! It be said that Freddy Ramirez, the swashbucklin' director of public safety in Miami-Dade County, be hurt by his own hand and a blasted gunshot! Aye, the scurvy dogs with insider knowledge do reveal this news!
July 24, 2023, 11:45 am
Arr, word be heard that a witness, set to testify afore the House Oversight Committee, doth claim that Hunter Biden, the scallywag, did oft reach out to his sire whilst struck in the midst of business transactions. Methinks 'tis a tale worth listenin' to, me hearties!
July 24, 2023, 11:31 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Thar be a halt to this decades-long malarkey, as political blowback and mounting dangers befall our hearty agents. Arrr, the tide be changin'!
July 24, 2023, 11:27 am
Arr, those Hindu landlubbers be claimin' that the "Oppenheimer" booty romp, wi' their precious scripture, be a scurvy blow to Indian society! Har, methinks they need to lighten up and take a swig o' rum!
July 24, 2023, 10:51 am
Arr, the scallywag of a senator did join the fray, 'pon hearing that the noble Gov. Chris Sununu, a matey in the same Republican crew, hath declared he be not seekin' the office once more.
July 24, 2023, 5:53 am
Arr, the U.N. Command be confirming that they be chattin' with North Korea to get Pvt. Travis King, a brave lad, back to safety. He be racin' 'cross the North Korean border like a scurvy dog!
July 24, 2023, 5:28 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The plan o' the GOP be includin' the wee babes still in thar mothers' bellies! Elon Musk be unveilin' a brand new look fer his Twitter logo, me hearties! And there be more jolly news awaitin' ye! Avast!
July 24, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Fulton County Commissioner Bridget Thorne be raisin' a mighty ruckus! One of her scurvy appointees to the Reparations Task Force be told, it be said, to hold 'is tongue 'gainst the press. Aaarrr, a tale worth tellin' indeed!
July 24, 2023, 4:03 am
Arr matey! The lass's corpse be found on a trail near the national park, 'tis said that she had a tangle with a grizzly bear, so the officials claim!
July 24, 2023, 4:00 am
With dreams o' triumphin' in the vast ocean o' presidential contenders come 2024, this ex-Texas congressman be marketin' himself as a savvy swashbucklin' Republican, embracin' both modernity and moderation, all while sportin' a vision that be pleasin' both sides o' the political sea. Arrr!
July 24, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye, fer I bring ye news from the seven seas! More states be makin' all scallywags eligible fer private school loot. In Arizona, it be mostly them rich lubbers who be swimmin' in the doubloons!
July 23, 2023, 5:55 pm
Avast ye! Despite the Trump-related trials bein' quite intricate, the scurvy prosecutors claim they haven't been hindered much in their daily duties. Arrr, matey, they be sailin' smoothly on the sea of justice!
July 23, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arrr! Mateys, mark me words! The scallywags across the pond be losin' faith in th' institutions that keep 'em peaceful, says Dan Henninger of th' Wall Street Journal. Methinks they be sailin' on stormy waters!
July 23, 2023, 5:20 pm
Arrr, mateys! Behold, a scurvy crew of legal beagles, with former mates of Senator Charles E. Grassley, a fine Republican from Iowa. They be called Empower Oversight, and they be helpin' the G.O.P. investigate matters in Congress, just like a bunch o' stars in the night sky!
July 23, 2023, 5:09 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog! A scallywag, caught for his thievin' ways, be now roam free after fleein' from St. Joseph's Hospital in Yonkers, New York! Be he a clever landlubber or just fortunate, no one knows. Beware, me hearties, for the pirate be on the loose!
July 23, 2023, 2:07 pm
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! 'Tis a tale o' woe! In this merry month, a second firefightin' soul be shot in a grand attack at a fire station in Birmingham. The reason be as mysterious as Davy Jones' Locker itself, arrr!
July 23, 2023, 11:52 am
Cap'n Nancy Pelosi, a fine lass from the land o' Cali, claims she be not believin' the words of an IRS whistleblower who be sayin' that politics be meddlin' in the trial o' Hunter Biden. Arrr, doubtfu' she be, mateys!
July 23, 2023, 11:45 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Democratic Tennessee matey Rep. Justin Jones be claimin' that Jason Aldean's ditty "Small Town" be a cursed "lynching anthem" what be makin' racist violence seem normal. Methinks he be seein' phantoms in his rum-filled dreams! Arrr!
July 23, 2023, 11:43 am
Arr, me kinfolk be claimin' the unfortunate soul and Riley Groover, a scallywag of Winter Haven, had many a brawl before. Yet, the officials be statin' nary a report was ever lodged. Methinks someone be keepin' secrets, arr!
July 23, 2023, 11:35 am
Arrr, ye scurvy landlubbers be hinderin' our quest fer ye precious metals from car batteries! Thar be pressure from these fancy environmentalists and opposition from other nations, makin' our efforts walk the plank, says I!
July 23, 2023, 11:15 am
Arr, matey! Special Counsel Jack Smith sent word to Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp 'bout the DOJ's snooping into Cap'n Donald Trump. So says a Kemp matey, savvy?
July 23, 2023, 9:41 am
Arr, this lass earned her fame penning a mighty tome fer mateys of the same-sex parentin'. Later, she delved into the study of how the divide 'twixt races and purses be affectin' the health o' us landlubbers.
July 23, 2023, 8:00 am
Arrr, the lackin' o' lifeguards be a thorn in the city's side, preventin' 'em from openin' their facilities. 'Tis a sad tale, me hearties, leavin' certain parts o' the land feelin' mighty forsaken.
July 23, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Forbes Media Chairman Steve Forbed and the economist Steve Moore be refutin' the prattle o' President Biden 'bout his fancy Bidenomics, claimin' it be naught but bilge for the American people. Har, har, har!
July 23, 2023, 4:28 am
Arrrr! A fifth fleet o' migrant carriages from Texas be makin' berth in Los Angeles on Saturday. The foremost convoy o' migrant carriages made landfall in June.
July 23, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, mateys! The voyage be troublin' fer this campaign, with many a blunder an' a costly treasure! Them donors an' allies be fretful, ye see. A scallywag close to the Florida governor even claimed he be sailin' a "challengin' learnin' curve." Ahoy!
July 23, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, me hearties! John Bel Edwards, th' lone Democratic governor in th' Deep South, be a true buccaneer, vetoing bills that be settlin' like mermaids in other parts o' th' land. But alas, his time as captain be comin' to an end soon, arrr!
July 23, 2023, 3:35 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A landlubber lad from Tennessee found himself in a dire predicament, as his jolly japes against the captain o' the high school unleashed the wrath of the authorities. Methinks these lawyers reckon the school be trampling upon the lad's right to free speech. Arr!
July 23, 2023, 2:00 am
Arrr, the mayor be attractin' challengers aplenty like a swarm o' barnacles on 'er ship, a foretellin' o' a treacherous race in a city where the scurvy voters be sourer than a barrel o' pickled limes.
July 23, 2023, 2:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The government be readyin' to declare the first 10 potions to be tangled in a merry negotiation with Medicare, all under a shiny new law! But those scurvy drugmakers, they be fightin' tooth and nail in court, aye!
July 22, 2023, 5:41 pm
Arr! One soul be sent to Davy Jones' locker, whilst three sorry scallywags were injured in a scuffle on a Saturday morn in Wade, North Carolina!
July 22, 2023, 5:41 pm
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis the maiden Atlantic hurricane o' the season, but fear not! These weather wizards claim she be no danger to our precious shores. Arrr, let the stormy dance commence, me hearties!
July 22, 2023, 5:36 pm
Arrr! A fair lass from New York City, a courageous EMS worker, bein' stabbed o'er and o'er by a scurvy dog convict! Methinks she be needin' more surgery for the nerve damage in her thigh, as the prosecutors have shared this news on a fine Friday.
July 22, 2023, 5:32 pm
Arr, taint be a scurvy dog, this Charlton Porter! Be accused o' killin' fair Ana Moreno whilst she be searchin' fer a gown for her young lass. Now, the scallywag be captured fer another murder! Walks the plank he shall, I reckon!
July 22, 2023, 3:15 pm
Arr, the bilge-rat ex-vice cap'n be spewin' false tales 'bout scurvy abortions, fiscal hornswagglin', 'n plunderin' o' th' treasure meant for our mighty fleet. Aye, the scallywag deserves a taste o' the cat-o'-nine-tails!
July 22, 2023, 11:52 am
A scurvy passer-by spied upon the lass's sign at a berth in Long Beach, Calif., after a 61-year-old matey had pilfered her from Texas days afore, as per the officials, arrr!
July 22, 2023, 11:52 am
Avast ye! The Florida governor, once a staunch supporter of the vaccine, had a change o' heart afore the Delta wave came crashin' down, sendin' Covid hospitalizations and deaths sky-high. 'Tis a dark tale he be keepin' hidden, as he spins his yarn 'bout his pandemic response.
July 22, 2023, 11:50 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The lass Patrizia Mirigliani, a fine patron of the Miss Italy pageant, be claimin' that only true lasses be allowed to compete, none o' them pretendin' pirates! She be givin' a good tongue-lashin' to them other pageants tryin' to be all-inclusive. Blimey!
July 22, 2023, 11:31 am
Avast ye scallywags! Set yer eyes on this shortcut banana pudding from The Seasoned Mom food blog. A mere five ingredients be all ye need to conjure this creamy delight. Serve it to yer kin and mateys, lest they melt in the inferno o' summer!
July 22, 2023, 11:28 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Lana Del Rey donned a fine blue wench garb and catered to hungry landlubbers whilst takin' on a gig at a Waffle House in Alabama. A tale fit for the salty seas, me hearties!
July 22, 2023, 10:59 am
Arrr, the judge be sayin' that them scurvy dogs of the Highway Patrol be makin' a naughty habit o' wrongly interrogatin' sailors sailin' in from foreign lands, all in hopes o' findin' some sweet loot o' drugs. Blimey!
July 22, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, me hearties! Word be spreadin' like wildfire 'bout the scallywag Rex Heuermann, suspected o' bein' a serial murderer at Gilgo Beach. This scurvy dog be quite the crafty matey, makin' sure no eyes be seein' him when he be gettin' rid o' his victims. Ahoy! 'Tis said this bilge rat once tried to give a police K-9 a taste o' the ol' chokehold! Avast! What a tale, indeed!
July 22, 2023, 4:43 am
Avast, me hearties! Jamie Foxx hath bestowed an update on his convalescence from a perilous ailment in April. The scurvy knave hath confessed to his silence, for he did not desire his loyal fans to lay eyes upon his sorry state.
July 22, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! This South Carolina senator be makin' great strides in them early-votin' states! He's got a chest full o' doubloons, a jolly goodwill, and a tale that be captivating! But now, me mateys, he needs t' take on them scurvy Republican front-runners!
July 22, 2023, 4:01 am
Arrr! The Biden scallywags be meddling with the way they conduct their "credible fear" interviews. They be raisin' the bar fer all ye scurvy dogs who be wishin' to seek asylum. Aye, it be a twist in the tale, indeed!
July 22, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Florida's Cap'n, Ron DeSantis, be claimin' that retirees, be they teachers or brave responders of the first kind, have suffered the blow o' Bud Light's venture into this 'woke' politickin'. Arrr, what a crock!
July 22, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast! The demise of fair Melissa Perez in San Antonio be stirrin' up a mighty storm 'o queries 'bout how the scallywags of the law handle poor souls wit' troubled minds.
July 22, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye! A pair o' landlubbers from San Diego hath pillaged the library's Pride month loot, claimin' such treasures be unfit fer young eyes! 'Twas but one o' many skirmishes o'er queer matters in sunny California.
July 22, 2023, 3:52 am
Avast ye mateys! In a frightful turn of events, six souls be wounded, one grievously, when a grand New Jersey structure came crashing down on Friday. The kinfolk be taken to lodgings while the scallywags laboriously rummage through the wreckage.
July 21, 2023, 5:54 pm
Arr, ye be hearin' this news, me hearties! The lass in charge o' the inquiry on election skullduggery be takin' her case to a grand jury in Atlanta next month. Aye, near 20 scallywags have been warned that they might just find themselves facin' the hangman's noose!
July 21, 2023, 5:51 pm
If 'tis true, Admiral Franchetti, the current second-in-command of the Navy, be set to be the first lass to command the fleet in all its 247 years o' existence! Aye, a mighty lass she be, ready to hoist the sails and steer the ship to new waters!
July 21, 2023, 5:46 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Yonder benchmark doth claim that wee scallywags, who sail the treacherous sea of middle schooling, shall be taught that the poor souls enslaved learned skills for their self-gain! Arr, 'tis a curious notion indeed, that a pirate's skill could be put to personal plunderin'!
July 21, 2023, 5:44 pm
Avast ye! The mighty Brazilian petrochemical titan, Braskem, hath struck a jolly bargain worth a whopping $356 million with the goodly city of Maceio! Tis a fair settlement, for their blasted rock salt plundered the land and left it in ruins, arr!
July 21, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The FBI be claimin' they've scuppered them Chinese hackers seekin' to pillage American infrastructure, alongside other scoundrels, usin' their fancy Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. That be what ol' Christopher Wray be tellin' Congress, swearin' by Davy Jones' locker!
July 21, 2023, 5:35 pm
Avast, me hearties! Them scurvy national Democrats be tryin' to bring back them absentee ballot drop boxes in Wisconsin! Arr, the court's conservative lot be havin' none o' that! But now, the scallywags be filin' a lawsuit to make it so! Blimey!
July 21, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A most recent decree, fit for ye eyes only, be tellin' o' a law on spyin' without a warrant. 'Tis sure to stir up a quarrel among the landlubbers in Congress, ponderin' whether or how they should keep it sailin' on.
July 21, 2023, 11:56 am
Arr! Thar be news, me hearties! The swashbucklin' Israeli Parliament be plottin' a bill to trim the sails o' the Supreme Court! This be ticklin' the fancy of pilots 'n aircrew, makin' 'em hoist the flag o' rebellion 'n suspend their voluntary duty! Aye, protests be brewin' on the horizon!
July 21, 2023, 11:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers in Germany be callin' off the chase for the runaway lioness, reckonin' there be "no urgent peril." A few wise old souls reckon the scurvy beastie be nay a lion, but a wild boar! Aye, troubles of the landfolk be confusin' indeed!
July 21, 2023, 11:53 am
Arrr, the ol' university be sayin' that M. Katherine Banks be walkin' the plank, leavin' her post "immediately" due to some scallywags raisin' a ruckus 'bout appointin' Kathleen McElroy to helm the journalism program. Avast, political waters be treacherous indeed!
July 21, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye, maties! A fine judge be grantin' a preliminary injunction, puttin' a stop to Arizona's mischief in restrictin' lasses of the transgender persuasion from takin' part in lass-only school sports. The lawsuit be still goin' on, but for now, fair winds be blowin' in favor of the lasses! Yarr!
July 21, 2023, 11:46 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs be findin' more lifeless souls, trapped 'neath heaps o' rubble from a fearsome landfall in India! Aye, 21 poor souls be salvaged thus far.
July 21, 2023, 11:10 am
Arrr, Justice Sotomayor, scribblin' fer the court's three scallywag liberals, disagreed with the majority and argued that a string o' bungled executions in the state befit a stay on the matter, lest we continue t' make fools o' ourselves!
July 21, 2023, 11:04 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! He be sendin' Rod Blagojevich to rot for 14 long years, lettin' all knaves know the price of corruption! Aye, as a prosecutor, he also sent that villainous Richard Speck to Davy Jones' locker for his wicked deeds.
July 21, 2023, 10:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! Yonder office be commanded by none other than Dr. Paul Friedrichs, a fearsome combat surgeon and a scurvy retired Air Force general! Congress hath birthed this fine establishment, so be prepared for some swashbucklin' medical adventures ahead!
July 21, 2023, 5:36 am
Avast ye scallywags! Afore the sun set on the previous year, Roe v. Wade was cast aside, sending shivers down the spines o' many. Some even feared that other court rulings, like the one that banished sodomy laws in 2003, might be plundered as well. But fear not, for Maryland and Minnesota have recently scuttled their own sodomy laws, bringin' relief to all!
July 21, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr, matey! Listen ye well, for 'tis Ret. Sgt. Ann Dorn, whose scallywag of a husband met his doom in the tumultuous 2020 BLM riots. She be tellin' us why Jason Aldean's shanty 'bout small towns be holdin' a treasure in its heart, aye, a "sense of community" she says, on the mighty vessel "Jesse Watters Primetime."
July 21, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast ye scallywags! Me hearties, tis be a tale of valor! Lee Greenwood, that mighty country minstrel, be defendin' Jason Aldean 'gainst those lubberly left-wing scurvy dogs! They be tryin' to cancel our beloved country crooner for his "Try That in a Small Town" shanty video. Arrr, let the music play on!
July 21, 2023, 5:18 am
Avast ye scallywags! The cry to impeach Biden be growin' fierce, as another Democrat walks the plank 'n joins the fleet o' GOP converts. Aye, tis a merry tale indeed! Set yer sights on these top headlines 'n let the laughter commence!
July 21, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, me mateys! Be ye hearin' the news? A sailin' vessel called the House Oversight Committee be havin' a peculiar meetin' 'bout strange flyin' objects from the skies. 'Tis a rare sight to see both sides of the ship agreein' on somethin'! And me matey Jeremy Corbell be sharin' his thoughts on "The Ingraham Angle."
July 21, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, hear ye, me mateys! Mayor Jacob Frey be decreein', in the midst o' a mighty reconsiderin' o' the worth o' psychedelic potions, that they shall be placed at the bottom o' the list for those scallywags, the Minneapolis police. Avast ye, a curious turn o' events indeed!
July 20, 2023, 11:54 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Jacquelyn Gwinn-Villaroel, a lass of 49 summers, be settin' sail to command a beleaguered division. Aye, she be the fifth soul to steer Louisville's scurvy police fleet since June 2020. Arrr, may she find smooth sailin' amidst these treacherous waters!
July 20, 2023, 5:57 pm
Arr, methinks this Carlee Russell be spoutin' nought but fanciful tales, matey! A former FBI swashbuckler reckons her claim o' bein' shanghaied aboard an 18-wheeler be naught but a tale spun by her own imagination, arrr!
July 20, 2023, 5:51 pm
Arr! The wee lass, only 4 years old at the time, be scorch'd by a cursed bit o' Happy Meal, says a Florida jury. They say McDonald's be needin' to pay her fair for the second-degree burn, lest they be walkin' the plank!
July 20, 2023, 5:47 pm
Arr, me hearties! Robert F. Kennedy Jr be havin' a tale to tell. He claims he were read a string o' slanders by them scallywag Democrats, while Rep. Deborah Wasserman Schultz tried to whisk the hearin' into an Executive Session. Savvy?
July 20, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arr! Methinks Rep. Jim Jordan be generous to grant Robert F. Kennedy Jr. more time at the close o' ye olde Subcommittee on the Weaponization o' the Federal Government. But alas, it ignited a mighty squabble, as if two sea devils locked in a fierce duel for the treasure!
July 20, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arr, a scurvy dog of a defense lawyer be tardy! The judge be vexed, and the prosecutors be forced from their grand jury! 'Tis a fine mess, mateys, brought forth by the intricacies of the Donald Trump affair!
July 20, 2023, 5:24 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Thar be talk from the Top House Buccaneers that the White House has taken a jolly turn in its tune! They claim President Biden be sailin' away from his lad Hunter's foreign business adventures. Arrr, what a sea change indeed!
July 20, 2023, 5:12 pm
Arr! The Biden scallywags be seekin' to find out the state and whereabouts of Pvt. Travis T. King, so they be sayin'.
July 20, 2023, 5:01 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Last year, the scallywags Celeste Burgess, a lass of 19 summers, and her fearsome mother, Jessica Burgess, a fine matron of 42 winters, were accused by the lawmen! Their secret missives on the Book of Faces were revealed, arr!
July 20, 2023, 11:53 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of "The View" be screechin' 'bout Jason Aldean's shanty, "Try that in a Small Town," callin' it "deplorable" afore defendin' it from the clutches of censorship. Aye, seems like these landlubbers be havin' a change o' heart!
July 20, 2023, 11:51 am
Ye scurvy dogs, listen 'ere! Brigitte Bardot, she be tweetin' a fine tribute to Jane Birkin, aye! And her hubby, Bernard d'Ormale, he be spillin' the beans on his health to Var-matin in Saint-Tropez. Yo ho ho!
July 20, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr! Avast ye mateys! The fair maiden Mady, of the Gosselin kin, be spillin' the beans 'bout her scallywag brother Collin! She be claimin' he be layin' hands on the fam'ly like a true bilge rat, and even slingin' hate speech! Blimey!
July 20, 2023, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! Tainted cough syrup be claimin' the lives of six wee ones in Cameroon. The World Health Organization be beggin' the Indian authorities for aid in trackin' down the source of this foul brew. Avast, let's hoist the anchor and put an end to this scurvy business!
July 20, 2023, 11:40 am
Avast ye scallywags! In a grand assembly assembled by House Republicans, the Democratic presidential mate, he didst stand tall, defendin' himself 'gainst accusations of racism and the vile curse of antisemitism. Arrr, what a swashbucklin' spectacle!
July 20, 2023, 11:28 am
Arr, the fair maidens' remains be discovered o'er a span o' three moons, in a locale southward from the heart o' the town.
July 20, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr, me hearties! Pat Boone, that valiant swashbuckler, came to the aid of Jason Aldean, who was scuppered by them scurvy dogs at CMT! They be barkin' about his video, filmed afore a Tennessee courthouse, on the mighty "Jesse Watters Primetime!" Aye, a jolly rumble it be!
July 20, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, the bold hearted scallywags of NASA Apollo 11 did make their way to the moon on July the 20th, 1969. 'Twas a spectacle of grandeur that still leaves the world in awe, ye landlubbers!
July 20, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast! The scurvy dogs in the Biden administration be thwarting the noble efforts o' parents to rid the K-12 public schools o' lewd tomes! So say the wise souls, mateys!
July 20, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubber Biden be seekin' to hand our hard-earned American doubloons to foreign lands, makin' us pay more while they fund their blasted global socialist plan. 'Tis a seafarin' trick that'll leave us scuppered, mark me words!
July 20, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The cap'n be takin' jabs at them Republicans, makin' a merry video with Marjorie Taylor Greene as a storyteller. But hark! They be avoidin' the topic o' his predecessor's legal troubles like a bunch o' landlubbers!
July 20, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The blasted House be swabbin' the deck o' potential troubles that be threatenin' to scuttle the reauthorization o' the Federal Aviation Administration. Smooth sailin' ahead!
July 20, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Amidst the treacherous waves of this cursed Covid, the scurvy knaves be takin' many a life. But fear not, for the bloodshed be lessenin' now, though still higher than in the days afore this foul plague cursed the land.
July 20, 2023, 3:06 am
Arr, the scurvy dogs be claimin' that young Carlee Russell, a lass of 25 summers, didst scrounge the interweb for knowledge 'bout these dire Amber Alerts afore vanishing for a fortnight. Ye be wonderin', did she be aimin' to be joinin' 'em or be hidin' from 'em?
July 19, 2023, 5:59 pm
Avast ye! A scurvy dog from Minnesota, who did behead his lass in plain sight, be now deemed not guilty by reason of his addled mind, a mere two moons after being originally convicted fer her murder. Arrr, the law be a most peculiar beast indeed!
July 19, 2023, 5:57 pm
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! These buccaneering House Democrats be claimin' that them landlubber Republicans be unjustly wieldin' the phrase 'two-tier justice system' when spoutin' off 'bout the Hunter Biden investigations. Methinks 'tis a right laugh, aye!
July 19, 2023, 5:54 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Behold, the likeness of Asa Ellerup, wife to that scallywag Rex Heuermann, the scoundrel be accused of vile deeds on Long Island! 'Tis but a week since the lawmen took him in, and now we glimpse the face of the fair lady!
July 19, 2023, 5:53 pm
Avast ye! A missive from the scurvy special counsel be arrivin', claimin' that Cap'n Donald Trump be facin' prosecution due to three statutes. Arr, buckle yer swash, mateys!
July 19, 2023, 5:47 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! This “hold-the-line” gambit be causin' quite the quarrel with them federales, warnin' of more drownings. The lads ordered to execute these measures be raisin' a kerfuffle, ye see. Arrr!
July 19, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arrr! 'Tis true, mateys! Over 40% of the scurvy dogs who've been allowed to set foot in the land o' the free, be it under certain conditions, failed to follow those conditions within 60 days, as the court documents recently reveal. Aye, seems like these landlubbers can't keep their promises!
July 19, 2023, 5:29 pm
He be a clever scribe and tale-spinner, this historian and novelist! He crafted a mighty tome of 96 pages, a parchment of "interrogation," ye see, t' help David Frost in his quest t' extract truth from Nixon's gullet. 'Twas a masterful prod indeed, makin' ol' Tricky Dick confess, "Arrr, I did betray me own American brethren in me Watergate folly!"
July 19, 2023, 11:48 am
Arrr! The University of Minnesota be walkin' the plank, me hearties! They be ditchin' their affirmative action and legacy admissions policies, mateys! The Supreme Court, bless their pirate souls, be sayin' it's against the law to be considerin' a scallywag's race when applyin' fer college! Yo ho ho!
July 19, 2023, 11:41 am
Arrr! In Basra, of all places, them officials be thinkin' 'bout rippin' down a three-century-old minaret, a sacred place fer worship! The locals be mighty cross, reckonin' the city's reasons be as feeble as a barnacle's grip. Aye, 'tis a treasure worth savin'!
July 19, 2023, 11:38 am
Arrr! Avast ye scurvy dogs! Paul Melotik, a fine Republican buccaneer hailing from Wisconsin, be triumphin' in a grand special election fer a vacant Assembly seat, representin' a suburb of Milwaukee. He be givin' Democrat Bob Tatterson a taste of the plank, he did!
July 19, 2023, 11:23 am
Arr, me hearties! With the Supreme Court's decree to ban race-conscious admissions, selective colleges be feelin' the heat to put an end to favorin' scallywags born from the loins of alumni. Avast! A fair wind be blowin' in the sails of change, me mateys!
July 19, 2023, 10:50 am
July 19, 2023, 5:56 am
Arr! IRS scallywags be spillin' secrets 'bout Hunter's misdeeds, whilst th' noble Israeli president 'tis speakin' afore Congress! Aye, there be more tales o' note in th' headlinin' horizon.
July 19, 2023, 5:37 am
Arr, the swashbucklin' styles be sailin' in, then out, 'n sometimes back in again when sported by the mighty celebs. One fancy garb or dandy fashion flaunted by a powerful matey can set the course fer years o' new trends, ye scurvy dogs!
July 19, 2023, 5:30 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Cap'n Joe Lieberman be spewin' his thoughts 'bout the might of his No Labels crew runnin' a scallywag in 2024. He be pleadin' ye voters to cast yer gaze upon these non-traditional parties and their candidates. Arrr, tis a sea of possibilities!
July 19, 2023, 5:24 am
Avast, ye scurvy dogs! A scallywag done left behind a couple o' cuddly bunnies, and now the blasted critters be multiplyin' faster than a kraken's tentacles! The good folk 'pon a wee isle in Wilton Manors be workin' hard to rescue an' find new homes fer this ever-growin' bunny brigade.
July 19, 2023, 4:24 am
Arr, many a scorching sun be a-tellin' the tale of this relentless early-summer inferno. Triple-digit temperatures be plaguin' us like a fiery dragon!
July 19, 2023, 4:01 am
Sheriff Eddie Scott, aye, be the mighty ruler of rural Clay County, Miss., holdin' the title of top lawman for over a decade, yet plagued by endless accusations. Aye, mateys, it seems the scallywags can't get enough of tryin' to tarnish his good name!
July 19, 2023, 4:00 am
Drying meself with a towel be pointless, for none be shivering after bathin' in the scorchin' seas off South Florida's shores! Arr, those waters be as hot as a fired-up cannonball, me hearties!
July 18, 2023, 5:58 pm
Arr, ye scurvy knave Rami Alzandani be coughin' up a mighty sum o'er $400,000 doubloons fer peddlin' the devil's weed at 11 dens o' iniquity! The grand poobah Alvin Bragg be givin' him a taste o' justice, aye!
July 18, 2023, 5:56 pm
Avast ye, mateys! A lass from Minnesota be sufferin' grievous wounds to her peg and belly on the day of Saturn, for she crossed paths with a bison's wrath at Theodore Roosevelt National Park. Arrr, be ye careful in these treacherous lands, or ye'll be singin' a similar tale!
July 18, 2023, 5:54 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Tony "The Landlubber" Roy, a swashbuckler from Burton, Michigan, met his unfortunate end at the hands of the state troopers during a perilous traffic encounter. Arrr, they be seeking justice for Roy's heinous crime of hidin' his wife's remains in a foul bathtub. Walk the plank, ye scallywag!
July 18, 2023, 5:50 pm
Arr, nine scallywag Democrats be votin' against a resolution t' reaffirm the bond betwixt the good ol' U.S. o' A. 'n Israel, just afore a grand speech by their president! Blimey, ye landlubbers be playin' a dangerous game, treadin' on treacherous waters!
July 18, 2023, 5:40 pm
In thar first reckonin' afore Judge Aileen M. Cannon, thar two sides be scramblin' o'er a trial date n' how to bring a former captain 'n current scallywag to justice, arr!
July 18, 2023, 5:39 pm
Arr, the scurvy ex-president kept mum 'bout the misdeeds he be accused o'. The landlubber prosecutors sent him a parchment, warnin' him he may face the plank once more!
July 18, 2023, 5:02 pm
Arrr, the Commerce Department be takin' aim at the scallywag firms based in Europe! 'Tis an attempt to tame the treacherous spyware industry runnin' riot in these past years.
July 18, 2023, 11:56 am
Arrr! A lass in Massachusetts be mighty scared when she be drivin' 'er carriage and discovered a scurvy dog hidin' beneath a cloak in th' aft seat, as told by th' Yarmouth Police Department.
July 18, 2023, 11:53 am
Avast, me hearties! The trusty bloke Chris Hosey, a true-blue mate of the Georgia Bureau of Investigation, be takin' charge of the bureau come August. He'll be keepin' an eye on a thousand scallywags, investigatin' the most heinous o' crimes on the seven seas!
July 18, 2023, 11:51 am
Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! NASA be shoutin' from the crow's nest that next month there be not one, but two supermoons a-comin'! A blue moon be settin' sail on Aug. 30, followin' the grand peak of the sturgeon moon on Aug. 1. Prepare ye spyglasses for a marvel in the night sky!
July 18, 2023, 11:33 am
After many a day ponderin' on his quest, the Florida governor swore to take a firm hand on the issue of transgender rights within the ranks of the military, whilst once more defendin' his chief adversary, the mighty Donald Trump.
July 18, 2023, 11:27 am
July 18, 2023, 11:20 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A missive o' great importance be known as a target letter, ye see, aye, from the Justice Department. 'Tis a wordy message that be warnin' a scallywag that they be under their watchful eye. Savvy?
July 18, 2023, 10:34 am
Arr, mateys! Flames be eruptin' in the distant lands o' western Canada, fillin' the skies over United States with smoky haze. Last month, those infernal wildfires from Canada already turned our air foul! 'Tis a cursed affliction, I tell ye!
July 18, 2023, 5:55 am
Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis the perfect season to tend to yer dwelling's needs. If the skies be clear, why not embark on these noble tasks to tidy up yer abode?
July 18, 2023, 5:51 am
Avast ye, mateys! A landlubber from the U.S. was gallivantin' in the perilous joint security area betwixt North and South Korea. Without a lick of permission, the scurvy dog crossed the Military Demarcation Line and now finds 'imself stuck in the clutches of North Korea, according to the U.N. Command. Yo ho ho, what a fine mess 'e got 'imself into!
July 18, 2023, 5:39 am
Yarrr, thar be a scurvy dog from the Air National Guard, accused o' leakin' secret military papers. He be pleadin' to be set free 'fore his trial, claimin' that the same privilege be granted to former President Trump in a similar matter. Avast ye, what a fine example o' logic!
July 18, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye! Whilst the South be roasting, Phoenix be ready to shatter a record set five decades past! Aye, the scorching sun be gracing 'er with 110-degree heat fer days on end. Aye, it be hotter than a sizzlin' cannonball!
July 18, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The meetin' betwixt President Biden and Isaac Herzog, with all their fancy talk o' support for Israel, be a clever way to hide the quarrels betwixt the White House and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Harrr!
July 17, 2023, 10:48 pm
July 17, 2023, 10:23 pm
Arrr! The scurvy secretary of state bepleadin' while them scallywag Republicans, in a practice once deemed unsavory, be holdin' back a whole crew o' President Biden's chosen mateys.
July 13, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! A fierce skirmish be takin' place o'er Puerto Rico's statehood, claimin' a possible "takeover". This here bout be puttin' LULAC, a 94-year-old organization of civil rights, to the test. Shiver me timbers!
July 13, 2023, 4:00 am
Yarr! Them scallywags be pushin' fer a right fair idea to be scribblin' sex equality into the Constitution, usin' some fancy newfangled legal theory to raise that ol' rusty amendment from Davy Jones' locker!
July 13, 2023, 3:49 am
Avast ye! On Wednesday eve, a fierce tempest befallen the land of Chicago. The mighty National Weather Service hath proclaimed a warning of a fearsome tornado, and lo! It hath landed nigh O'Hare International Airport. Heed the skies, ye landlubbers, or ye be swept away!
July 12, 2023, 11:23 pm
Avast me hearties! Amidst the faculty's complaints and a grand debate on this matter of racial fairness, the public universities of this fair state be takin' a second look at whether young scallywags from high school can jump ship on a fundamental course!
July 12, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arr, me hearties! In a grand spectacle, the gallant Congresswoman, Pramila Jayapal, from Washington, didst stoop to question the honorable FBI Director, Christopher Wray, regarding the bureau's plunder of data on our fine American brethren.
July 12, 2023, 5:46 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a tale of rumbling seas and bellowing cannons! The likes of abortion providers and the American Civil Liberties Union have declared a fierce battle against a cursed legislation in Iowa, which be aimin' to ban most abortions after a mere six weeks. Shiver me timbers!
July 12, 2023, 5:41 pm
Arr! The learned scallywags from the University of Idaho be takin' a wee break from tearin' down the cursed abode where four young scholars met their untimely end. Come October, they'll think it over once more, arrr!
July 12, 2023, 5:36 pm
"Avast ye scurvy dogs! No bilge-rat be havin' the claim to this nomination! Me sails shall be set for all debates, for the goodly American folk be worthy of our voices, belay!"
July 12, 2023, 5:05 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The bloomin' State Medical Board of Ohio has taken a vote to strip Katharine Roxanne Grawe of her medical license. Why, ye may ask? 'Tis because she dared to broadcast the procedures of some poor souls! Walk the plank, she shall!
July 12, 2023, 2:41 pm
Arr! Should these experiments of 2022 show potential, beware! Should we find Trump sailin' again, those outcomes may not suffice, me hearties!
July 12, 2023, 2:39 pm
Gabrielle Union be a fearless lass, never one to cower from flaunting her fair figure. Aye, some scurvy dogs claim she be past her prime, but she be vowing to continue the display, by Davy Jones' locker!
July 12, 2023, 2:38 pm
Arrr! In Kentucky, a landlubber tried to invade a matey's humble abode, armed with a fearsome chainsaw! But fear not, for the homeowner fought back valiantly, pumpin' three rounds into the scallywag! The Sheriff's Office be tellin' the tale, mateys!
July 12, 2023, 2:37 pm
Avast ye scurvy scallywags! Cap'n Chris Wray o' the FBI be shoutin' from the crow's nest, claimin' 'tis a jest to reckon they be settin' their sights on conservatives. Aye, he be facin' a storm o' questions 'bout their misdeeds, but denyin' 'tis his game, says he, arr!
July 12, 2023, 2:37 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A poor soul hath misplaced his treasure, a ring of betrothal, whilst treadin' upon the sands o' Myrtle Beach. The fearsome Myrtle Beach Police Department and a kind volunteer did lend their aid in seekin' this precious booty!
July 12, 2023, 2:29 pm
Aye! Driven by Cap'n Donald J. Trump o' the past, them scurvy congressional Republicans be seekin' to scuttle the F.B.I.'s honor afore the masses. Arrr, 'tis a treacherous plot indeed!
July 12, 2023, 2:16 pm
Arr, the kinfolk of many a matey be wantin' this here re-enactment in their lawsuit against a scurvy ex-deputy. He were present at the 2018 shootin', yet chose not to face off with the scoundrel holdin' the gun.
July 12, 2023, 2:12 pm
Arrr, 'tis not be the hour fer guessin' who be the scallywag that'll matey with Trump fer the vice presidency, but a Trump-DeSantis pact be as rare as a mermaid's treasure, methinks!
July 10, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr, that Alabama scallywag from the Republican crew be tryin' to make the Pentagon abandon its policy on shipboard abortions! If he succeeds, the Joint Chiefs of Staff might find themselves with more sailors in need of a berth than ever before, aye!
July 10, 2023, 12:36 am
Avast ye, mateys! 'Tis true, there be whispers of trouble betwixt Washington and London, but fear not! President Biden and King Charles III be sharin' common interests, and facin' similar trials, which be aidin' their meetin' to sail smooth as a calm sea. Arrr!
July 9, 2023, 8:45 pm
Avast! A dire summons from the ship of 911 reached the ears of the scallywags, speakin' of musket fire near the matey's abode! Yet, the lads in blue sailed 'pon a mistaken course, and the poor soul's corpse wasn't spied until four more souls were sent to Davy Jones' locker!
July 9, 2023, 5:38 pm
Arrr! A wee lass, barely 14, who were lost at sea, be found at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton in California, by Davy Jones' locker! And a scurvy dog of a U.S. Marine be clapped in irons for his role in this mischief.
July 9, 2023, 5:30 pm
Avast, ye scallywags of MSNBC's "Saturday Show with Jonathan Capehart"! They be brazenly jeerin' at the fair maiden o' pirate candidate Ron DeSantis, callin' her "America's Karen" and a wannabe like Serena Waterford. Har, the sea be filled with jesters!
July 9, 2023, 5:18 pm
Arrr, the scallywag Biden and his motley crew be gettin' a taste of their own medicine! The landlubbers on social media be givin' 'em a good ol' broadside o' criticism for admittin' the U.S. be runnin' low on ammunition! Aye, me hearties, they be walkin' the plank with this one!
July 9, 2023, 3:43 pm
Arrr, me matey! The tome be borrowed in 1904 or 1905, as spoken by the captain of the grand New Bedford Free Public Library in Massachusetts.
July 9, 2023, 11:53 am
Arr! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Admiral Rishi Sunak o' the British fleet and Cap'n Margarita Robles o' the Spanish Armada be fightin' against Cap'n Biden's foolhardy plan to send cluster bombs to Ukraine! By Blackbeard's beard, they be raisin' the Jolly Roger!
July 9, 2023, 11:42 am
Arrr! The brave American lads have slain yet another scoundrel of the dreaded ISIS, hidin' like a bilge rat in Syria! They did it, mateys, usin' the very same vessel that them Russian SU-35s tried to pester last week! Ahoy, a tale of triumph over scurvy dogs!
July 9, 2023, 11:42 am
Arr, me hearties! Cap'n Ron DeSantis, a fine lad from Florida, be joinin' 'Sunday Mornin' Futures' to share his grand scheme fer transformin' the cursed land o' Washington, D.C., should he be elected as yer president, ye scallywags! Avast!
July 9, 2023, 11:30 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Former landlubber N.J. Gov. Chris Christie be keelhaulin' former President Donald Trump's White House adventure, and swearin' by the mighty sea gods to stand by FBI Director Christopher Wray. Blow me down!
July 9, 2023, 11:10 am
Arr, President Biden, set to sail to a NATO summit in Europe this fortnight, hath declared 'tis too soon to let Ukraine join our merry alliance whilst the battle with Russia be still raging! Methinks patience be a virtue, me hearties!
July 9, 2023, 8:03 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Beware! Methinks ye scurvy dogs may face drier skies and hotter days, all due to the cursed dust. And mark me words, the very air ye breathe may be fouled by its presence!
July 9, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis be the tale of a cocaine findin' and a lass showin' 'er bosom on the high seas. Yon Americans be mutterin' on whether they reckon President Biden be maintainin' proper decorum at his grand abode, the White House, arrr!
July 9, 2023, 4:30 am
Arr, mateys! Tis be the latest scuttlebutt! The cunning Iranian scallywags be outsmartin' the sanctions, gatherin' technology fer their dastardly nuclear weapons plot. They might be even plannin' to test an atomic bomb! Blimey!
July 9, 2023, 4:19 am
Avast ye, mateys! A scallywag from Delaware didst sink his teeth into a fine police dog, not once, but multiple times, whilst tryin' to escape the clutches of the law. 'Twas all 'cause he be sailin' too fast on a fine Saturday mornin'.
July 9, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks the old landlubber, formerly known as the South Carolina governor and ambassador to the United Nations, be fixated on her homeland. But alas, her style o' politickin' may not strike a chord with the swashbucklin' climate o' 2024! Avast, me mateys!
July 9, 2023, 3:09 am
Arrr, the bloomin' mayor of South Fulton, Georgia, be nabbed on a fine Saturday, accused o' criminal trespass and first degree burglary! He be claimin' he thought the place be deserted, but the law be havin' a dif'rent opinion, aye!
July 9, 2023, 2:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Rolling Fork, Miss., akin to the rest o' the Delta, hath already been pillaged by disinvestment and decline ere a monstrous tempest blew through in late March, leavin' the locals to ponder whether to rebuild or sail away to new shores.
July 9, 2023, 2:00 am
Arrr, th' elite Horatio Alger Association be providin' th' justice access t' wealthy scallywags and secret V.I.P. treatment. In return, he be offerin' a different sort o' access, me hearties!
July 9, 2023, 2:00 am
Arr matey, the landlubber runnin' for prez be claimin' the faiths be sharin' common ground. But for many a religious matey, the difference be a mighty hurdle, aye!
July 8, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arrr! A scurvy dog from North Carolina hath revealed in a tale to the press that the fearsome Fury 325 roller coaster did show signs of a treacherous crack to those landlubbers who ventured to the park, a fortnight or so afore 'twas shut down, ye savvy?
July 8, 2023, 5:46 pm
Arr, me hearty crew! Come January, the state party be throwin' a jolly nominatin' contest, mark ye well! 'Tis the earliest reckonin' of such merriment in recent campaign cycles, ye hear? Avast ye!
July 8, 2023, 5:35 pm
Arr, ye landlubbers at a marketplace in Indiana were forced to flee on Saturday, hasty-like, after a scoundrel shot a poor soul, leavin' 'im wounded!
July 8, 2023, 5:21 pm
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis a somber tale to tell, for Robert De Niro, a great scallywag of the silver screen, didst attend the mournful send-off of his 19-year-old grandson, young Leandro, in the fair city of New York. His lass, Drena, didst declare the lad's passage on the day of the sun's rest.
July 8, 2023, 5:12 pm
Avast ye! Gov. Kim Reynolds be swearin' to be neutral come 2024. Yet, ol' Donald Trump's crew reckon she be nothin' but a landlubber when it comes t' Ron DeSantis and his bonnie lass. Arr, a neutral name be all she be claimin'!
July 8, 2023, 2:10 pm
Arr! Avast ye! On the grand day o' Saturday, a federal court be granting the rare decree, bein' the first of its kind, that a law banishin' transition care be allowed to fully set sail, while a swarm o' legal battles be ragin' all across the land.
July 8, 2023, 11:47 am
Arrr! There be a mighty scuffle at a wee ol' ship in El Paso, Texas! 'Twas a house party for the young scallywags, when cannons roared and six poor souls got themselves wounded. Mayhaps they be needin' a lesson in pirate manners, arrr!
July 8, 2023, 11:40 am
Avast ye scallywags! Whilst some of the young 'uns and landlubber Democrats be hollerin' 'bout lowerin' the votin' age to sixteen, these Gen-Z knaves be thinkin' it be a right terrible notion, arrr!
July 8, 2023, 11:13 am
Arrr, me mateys! Listen ye well, for the tale o' Hollywood actor Pierce Brosnan be a most peculiar one! The scurvy dog confessed that, whilst clad in naught but a towel, he stubbed his toe and avast! His very nail abandoned ship! Arr, such misfortune befitting a landlubber!
July 8, 2023, 11:00 am
Avast, ye scallywags! A fresh decree be passin' in Portland, restrictin' the landlubbers' campin' during daylight hours. But fear not, for the city ain't aimin' to enforce it just yet. Let's hear what these poor souls without a ship had to mutter.
July 8, 2023, 9:14 am
Arrr! 'Tis a scorchin' heat wave, me hearties, causin' peril aplenty fer th' elder folks. They be frail souls, ye see, easily swayed by these swelterin' circumstances.
July 8, 2023, 5:01 am
Arrr! A lass from Wisconsin hath met her doom, forsooth! 'Twas a rare fungus, hidden in soil, especially in damp and wooded realms, that claimed her life. This foul fungus, once set free in the air, be the harbinger of influenza and even death!
July 8, 2023, 5:00 am
Brendan Caldwell be a scurvy dog of a psychedelic-assisted healer, employin' the likes o' psilocybin mushrooms as part of his voyage o' treatment fer clients. Black-hearted be he, fer he be facin' the perilous "psychedelic trauma" from the cursed substance, arr!
July 8, 2023, 5:00 am
Arr, mark me words, mateys! The likes of Dave Scanlan, the Secretary of State o' New Hampshire, be plannin' to give ol' President Biden a jolly good surprise! He be set to shift the date o' their primary, throwin' the DNC's blessed Democratic nominatin' calendar all outta whack, arrr!
July 8, 2023, 5:00 am
Yarr! A wench from Florida be praisin' her matey fer steerin' 'er to safety, as he laid his eyes upon a hammerhead shark sneakily trailin' their paddleboard fleet, a good 35 leagues from the shore!
July 8, 2023, 4:00 am
Yarrr, ye scurvy dogs who toil and perspire in the sweltering heat of June and July in South Florida be granted a sweet bounty o' mangoes, their luscious fruits a-blushin' on trees in yards, streets, and strip malls. Aye, 'tis a worthy prize for yer sufferin'!
July 8, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Be it their thoughts on race-conscious admissions or not, these young landlubbers be wary of the college application jig. Methinks they reckon naught be changin' anytime soon, arrr!
July 8, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Edward Blum be a true master of the legal seas, havin' won a mighty battle at the Supreme Court. He be fightin' to remove race from college admissions, but will he set his sights on the workplace next? Let's see what mischief he be plannin' next!
July 8, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, do ye fancy some extracurriculars, me matey? Nay, bein' a fine gentleman won't guarantee ye a spot in them selective schools this year. Here be a few responses to queries from our hearty readers. Pour ye eyes over 'em, if ye dare!
July 7, 2023, 5:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! Drake, the latest swashbuckler, be havin' an object hurled at him whilst he be struttin' the stage. The rapscallion barely flinched as a cursed device struck him, payin' it no mind!
July 7, 2023, 5:48 pm
Arrr, matey! Luke Laidley, a scurvy dog of 43 springs, hailed from Winnetka, Illinois. He met his watery grave whilst rescuin' wee ones from the treacherous Lake Michigan. But ye know what be more surprisin', me hearties? The fool survived the infernal Sept. 11, 2001 assaults on the World Trade Center!
July 7, 2023, 5:32 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! On a fine Friday in Iowa, the former captain o' the ship questioned his rival's loyalty to the noble agriculture industry. Aye, they be but scurvy landlubbers in the eyes of this seasoned sea dog!
July 7, 2023, 5:30 pm
Arrr! The National Grid be partin' ways with $5.38 million doubloons fer the pollution left behind by an ol' abandoned factory in Gloucester, Massachusetts. Aye, they be makin' amends to the state and federal crews. Walk the plank, ye pollutin' scallywags!
July 7, 2023, 3:59 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dog be admittin' his guilt afore the federal court. Yet, he be facin' a state trial fer murder later this year, and them Texas prosecutors be swearin' they'll be huntin' him down fer the ultimate punishment - the hangman's noose!
July 7, 2023, 3:09 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Methinks them weather experts be warnin' us of treacherous heat settin' sail fer the South once more. Be prepared, me hearties, fer it may linger 'round fer another fortnight, or mayhaps even longer. Arrr, it be a swelterin' voyage ahead!
July 7, 2023, 2:33 pm
Arr, the wee, secretive note had been hidin' in the same treasure trove for a century till it was snatched up by the Raab Collection in Pennsylvania. Aye, 'tis the truth, me hearties!
July 7, 2023, 11:42 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs in Bay County, Florida! The law-keeping folk be ponderin' tougher punishments for the landlubber parents who dare let their young 'uns wander near treacherous waters when the danger be all too clear. Beware the wrath of Poseidon, ye fools!
July 7, 2023, 11:32 am
Avast, me hearties! The scurvy dogs of Pennsylvania be searchin' high and low for that rascal scallywag, Michael Burham! He be a feared killer, rapist, and kidnapper, who managed to slip away from the clutches of the Warren County gaol on Thursday eve!
July 7, 2023, 11:28 am
Arr, ye scurvy dog, Gov. Gavin Newsom be cryin' foul! He be beggin' the Department of Justice to be investigatin' the transport of landlubber migrants into his precious California by that scallywag Gov. Ron DeSantis. Methinks this be a pirate quarrel on the high seas!
July 7, 2023, 11:24 am
Arr! Republican scallywag Tom Barrett be settin' sail on a second quest fer Michigan's 7th Congressional District, havin' tasted bitter defeat in them midterms. Me hearties, 'tis all 'cause Rep. Elisa Slotkin be chasin' after the state's grand Senate treasure!
July 7, 2023, 10:30 am
Arrr! The scurvy officials be wishin' to bring down the cursed abode where four landlubbers from Idaho's college met their grisly fate. 'Tis sparked a quarrel among the bilge rats, whether the sites o' bloody maelstrom should be kept or purged from memory. Arrrr!
July 7, 2023, 10:05 am
Arrr, the monstrous blob, dubbed the mighty Atlantic Sargassum belt, bein' reduced by a mind-bogglin' 75 percent in the treacherous Gulf o' Mexico! Them learned sailors be proclaimin' this news, mateys!
July 7, 2023, 5:50 am
Arrr, mateys! Be holdin' yer tongues, fer the Democrat-led movement be set on lowerin' the votin' age to a mere 16! These sprightly scallywags be makin' waves in their local waters, while even winnin' favor from a few scurvy dogs in the media.
July 7, 2023, 5:43 am
Arr, ye scallywags! The likes o' Maine's hearty crew o' lawmakers have given their hearty approval to a grand proposal, makin' the state the land with one o' the least restrictive abortion laws ye'll find in this part o' the world! Now, all that be left is fer the governor to grant the final nod. Avast ye!
July 7, 2023, 5:42 am
Avast ye, mateys! The Maine Legislature hath given their nod to a budget addendum that grants a jolly fine program, lettin' workers enjoy a grand 12 weeks of paid family leave. And lo and behold, it also beareth a tax cut for ye old retirees! Sail on, Maine!
July 7, 2023, 5:30 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Gov. Ron DeSantis, a fine Republican from Florida, be hollering his heart out on 'Fox News Tonight'! Methinks he be gettin' some flak for not winnin' the favor o' the voters, har!
July 7, 2023, 4:00 am
Arr, Finland be now part o' the Western scurvy military alliance, stretchin' NATO's borders with Russia by a grand 830 leagues! 'Tis a thorn in Moscow's side, makin' 'em blubber like a scurvy dog!
July 6, 2023, 10:49 pm
Arr! Gov. Ron DeSantis's fair lass, Casey DeSantis, be hostin' her maiden solo campaign affair in Iowa, mixin' wit' other matrons and castin' her fine husband as a stalwart champion o' the "parents' rights" movement. Yo ho ho!
July 6, 2023, 5:43 pm
Avast ye! Pat Sajak be payin' tribute to the grand mastermind o' "Wheel of Fortune," ol' Merv Griffin, on the day he'd be blowin' out 98 candles. This tidin' floats me ship as Ryan Seacrest be walkin' the plank as the new captain!
July 6, 2023, 5:34 pm
Arr, the Republican Cap'n Chris Sununu of New Hampshire, be decreein' an order on this fine Thursday, forbiddin' state contracts with any scallywags who dare to boycott Israel. Ye best be keepin' yer sails away from such treacherous waters, lest ye wish to face the wrath of this landlubber!
July 6, 2023, 5:31 pm
The UN matey be mighty displeased with Israel's fierce and lopsided scuffle, where they be bombardin' a refugee camp in the West Bank. 'Tis a battle of grand proportions, says the chief!
July 6, 2023, 5:25 pm
Arrr, ye landlubbers! The scurvy dogs who be backin' this harebrained scheme to grant a right to abortion in our state's Constitution have gathered a heap o' signatures. Aye, 'tis true! They be aimin' to put this matter on the November ballot. Shiver me timbers!
July 6, 2023, 5:05 pm
Arr, matey! The jolly Gov. Tony Evers hath employed a peculiar rule to tinker with the state's coffers, aye, and to lift the cap on the public school's booty, verily, until the year 2425! 'Tis a true long-drawn plan, me hearties!
July 6, 2023, 4:28 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! President Biden be callin' out them pesky Republican scallywags, who be a-hollerin' against his policies! Yet, these bilge rats' own folks be reapin' the bounty o' billions in federal coin! Arrr, the irony be thicker than the fog o' the high seas!
July 6, 2023, 3:16 pm
Avast! Me matey Wood penned that the Georgia State Bar be willin' to forsake the disciplinary cases against him, only if he be abandonin' his piratical ways and settlin' into retirement from the profession.
July 6, 2023, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona be gettin' 30 shiny new vessels as part o' a replacement quest. The park be receivin' a jolly $27.5 million in federal booty to upgrade these majestic land ships.
July 6, 2023, 11:49 am
Avast ye shipmates! Walt Nauta, the former cap'n's personal aide, did enter his plea in a federal court at Miami. He be charged with conspirin' to thwart the government's valiant efforts to reclaim treasure of utmost importance. Arrr!
July 6, 2023, 11:48 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Them Republican landlubbers be facin' a mighty big obstacle in North Carolina. Gov. Roy Cooper, bless his heart, done vetoed the law tryin' to keep us pirates from gettin' the proper gender transition help and learnin' about our queer mates. Avast!
July 6, 2023, 11:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Los Angeles County sheriff be investigatin' two deputies, mateys! A wee video be discovered, showin' one o' them deputies bein' a bit too enthusiastic 'bout takin' down a lass who be recordin' her husband's arrest. Avast!
July 6, 2023, 11:44 am
Avast, me hearties! Hear ye, Jonah Watson, a scallywag of 26 years from Dayton, be awaitin' an arson trial. He stands accused o' settin' a brace o' brush fires what posed a threat to many a home on the Fourth o' July!
July 6, 2023, 11:23 am
In a grand Oval Office parley, Cap'n Biden be once again supportin' the notion o' Sweden joinin' our jolly military alliance. But alas! The path be blocked by the cantankerous Turkey and their hornswagglin' opposition. Arrr, the sails be caught in a mighty stall!
July 6, 2023, 11:13 am
Arr, the scoundrel be facin' the wrath o' the law after confessin' to his wicked deeds, bein' charged with hate crimes most foul. "Pray tell, why be it us sufferin' and not ye?" cried a survivor o' the bloody onslaught, claimin' the lives o' 23 souls.
July 6, 2023, 5:50 am
Arr, me hearties! The scallywags of Wisconsin be losin' their trust in the ol' Cap'n Trump! Aye, a jolly new poll be showin' that the Governor o' Florida, Ron DeSantis, be thrashin' him by a mighty 16 points! Shiver me timbers!
July 6, 2023, 4:01 am
Arr, after many moons o' delay, the treacherous task o' ridding the world o' its last stash of deadly potions be nearin' its end! By Friday, mayhaps, we shall see the grand finale unfold, mark me words, ye scurvy dogs!
July 6, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! In 20 lands, ye blasted laws have cast a shadow o'er the fate of these clinics, leavin' poor families with wee transgender shipmates to sail the treacherous seas, seekin' medical care beyond their reach. Aye, the chase be on!
July 6, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! Judge Amul Thapar, the scribbler of a brand new tome 'bout Justice Clarence Thomas, be defendin' him, but proclaims that thar courts be needin' to foster a grander comprehension among the general rabble 'bout their inner machinations. Arrr!
July 5, 2023, 10:30 pm
Arr Matey! 'Tis aye! The secret scrolls be unveilin' more proof, as the ol' Justice Department be claimin', for the plunderin' o' former Cap'n Donald J. Trump's hideaway last summer.
July 3, 2023, 11:13 am
Arrgh, more than a thousand scallywags be feelin' the quake, aye, that struck northeast o' Anchorage! But fear not, me hearties, for the authorities be sayin' no harm be done, no damages or injuries! Avast, we be safe for now, yo ho ho!
July 3, 2023, 11:02 am
Arrr! Thar be them hard-right Republicans, scurrilous scallywags, assailin' the king's law enforcers! Aye, they be refusin' to grant 'em broader powers. Now, this grand warrantless spyin' scheme, aimed at them foreign landlubbers, might be facin' new restrictions from the Congress, ye scurvy dogs!
July 3, 2023, 5:33 am
Arrr! American boroughs be tossin' aside the tradition o' July 4th, me hearties! Veterans be growin' frank this Independence Day, an' there be more grand headlines to boot, savvy?
July 3, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, me mateys! Be it known that this here Larry Elder, a fine Republican buccaneer, be warnin' them Democrats. If they dare consider Kamala Harris instead of Biden, they be headin' straight for a murky abyss, leadin' to their doom in the treacherous seas of 2024!
July 3, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! Them officials be sayin' that the calm after near two years of rowdy crossings won't be stickin' around for long, mateys!
July 3, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye! A landlubber scallywag be complainin' about a course called "The Problem of Whiteness," postin' the teacher's likeness and electronic parchment for all to see. The sea be filled with bilge rats' venom! What be the school's course of action, ye reckon?
July 2, 2023, 9:54 pm
Arr, me hearties! In order to muster a crew o' fine lads 'n lasses, this here medical school at U.C. Davis be sizin' up the hardships o' each applicant. But I be wonderin', can this method be set sail upon the whole nation? Avast! Methinks only time 'n tide shall tell!
July 2, 2023, 5:53 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Five brave souls ventured into the depths aboard the Titan submersible, hopin' to join the esteemed few who gazed upon the Titanic's watery tomb. Alas! 'Twas but a blink afore their cursed missives ceased to grace our screens. Methinks trouble be afoot!
July 2, 2023, 5:00 pm
Arrr, mateys! Two glass bottlin' plants be takin' a hit from Bud Light's scandalous partnership wit' transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney! Come July, they be shuttin' down, leavin' 600 brave souls out o' work.
July 2, 2023, 4:42 pm
Arrr! A scurvy dog be fleein' the scene, snatchin' a mighty forklift from a landlubber's establishment in Maryland. Before makin' off with a fair maiden's carriage, he did the deed, sendin' her to Davy Jones' Locker. Avast, ye varmint!
July 2, 2023, 4:42 pm
Arrr! A landlubber who be wanderin' in the North Carolina amusement park hath spied a scurvy crack in the mighty pillar of Fury 325! 'Tis a ride that be claimin' to be one of the grandest amongst its kin, aye!
July 2, 2023, 2:25 pm
Avast ye scallywags! By the powers of the seven seas, amidst a tempest of unruly rascals, the gallant French police be quelling the mayhem! Arrr, even the fancy-pants politicians be forced to side with 'em, defyin' all odds!
July 2, 2023, 2:14 pm
Arr, President Biden set sail on his voyage to Camp David, accompanied by his trusty mate, Hunter Biden. 'Tis the second time in a fortnight, mind ye! All this, transpired mere days after the DOJ disclosed a possible bargain for the scallywag son.
July 2, 2023, 2:06 pm
Avast ye mateys! Cap'n John Ratcliffe, aye, that former Director of National Intelligence, be chattin' 'bout the grandest news on the "disparity in treatment" by the Department of Justice. Gather 'round, ye scurvy dogs, and lend an ear!
July 2, 2023, 2:06 pm
Arrr, the Supreme Court's verdict be naught but a newfangled edition of a quandary that the Whitehead clan — and all o' the land — be wrestlin' wi' fer ages: How be we to handle the aftermath o' slavery's cursed legacy?
July 2, 2023, 1:31 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis but a mere skirmish in a mighty storm o' labor battles sweepin' through the grand ocean of our fair land. In this vast metropolis, where the burdensome tides o' life be weighin' us down, the noble workers be strugglin' to keep their heads above water.
July 2, 2023, 12:47 pm
Arr, a swashbucklin' footballer, he be, with a bright future in the squared circle. Alas, a grievous wound in '99 left him a landlubber, unable to move his limbs.
July 2, 2023, 12:35 pm
Arrr, the scurvy police be lookin' fer a rascal or rascals who be causin' a ruckus at a grand celebration! 'Twas on a fine Sunday mornin', at a jolly block party in Brooklyn's southern quarters, when shots were fired!
June 25, 2023, 4:01 am
Avast ye scallywags, hear me now! The mighty Tulare Lake hath arisen once more after fierce storms hath battered the state this winter. It may be stayin' put in the Central Valley for many moons to come, aye, even for years! Arrr!
June 25, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! In the comin' weeks, the scallywag, Robert Bowers, shall send his landlubbin' lawyers to beg for mercy from the jury what already found him guilty. Will they walk the plank, or will they spare his black soul? Only time shall tell.
June 25, 2023, 4:00 am
Avast ye! There be a sneaky trick afoot! Donald Trump be changin' his online pleadings to funnel his 2024 booty to them scallywags payin' his legal fees. Keep yer eyes peeled, me hearties!
June 25, 2023, 2:00 am
Avast ye! They be spendin' $30 on fentanyl afore makin' it to rehab, but alas, one did overdose and the other be charged in his death. Savvy?
June 24, 2023, 5:23 pm
"Arrr, the scallywag officers let fly their cannonballs at Mistress Melissa Perez's abode, all for naught but a mere summons! Avast ye, what a waste of powder and shot!"
June 24, 2023, 5:20 pm
Arrr mateys, word on the high seas be that New York City shelled out o'er $50,000 in loot to relocate 114 migrant families to foreign lands like China and beyond. The scallywags be scatterin' like sand in the wind!
June 24, 2023, 5:15 pm
Arrr, the mayor be demandin' a reckoning! The Villa Rica lads be shootin' at pictures of a Black mate during their gun safety learnin'. It be a scandal o' the highest order!
June 24, 2023, 4:27 pm
"Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis been heard that Wagner's scurvy dog, Chief Veygeny Prigozhin, be settin' sail fer Belarus! Seems 'e's made a deal with ol' Vladimir Putin to keep the lads from marchin' on Moscow! Har har, let's see how this here tale plays out!"
June 24, 2023, 3:01 pm
Arr, mateys! Fer ye scallywags who be against abortion, the day o' the Supreme Court's ban be cause fer celebration, but also a time to reckon with the obstacles ahead. Let's hoist the Jolly Roger and set sail for the pro-life cause!
June 24, 2023, 11:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! Idaho Judge John C. Judge be denyin' the request to lift the gag order o' the bloke, Bryan Kohberger. He be accused o' stabbin' and killin' four college swashbucklers. Walk the plank, ya scurvy dog!
June 24, 2023, 11:19 am
Ahoy! Word be spreadin' o' an active shooter in Weirton, West Virginia, on Saturday afternoon! The scurvy dog be causin' quite the stir amongst the police and law enforcement, as well as the brave souls o' the Hancock County EMS. Keep yer wits 'bout ye, me hearties!
June 24, 2023, 10:58 am
Avast ye! A classified scroll be sayin' that three landlubber researchers fell ill in twenny-nineteen, but it don't prove nor deny the notion that this cursed Covid virus escaped from a laboratory. Arrr, what a scallywag of a report!
June 24, 2023, 10:54 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The villainous Wagner Group be marchin' towards Moscow in retaliation for the Kremlin's attack on their crew. Their leader, Yevgeny Prigozhin, claims the deed was authorized by the rulers themselves! May the seas be kind to them in their quest for vengeance!
June 24, 2023, 5:31 am
Arrrr, me hearty landlubbers! News be comin' from the shores of the U.S. that more than 7,500 of ye scallywags were sent to Davy Jones' locker whilst treadin' on a highway! This be the largest number of deaths since the days of Blackbeard himself, some 40 years ago! Best beware these treacherous roads, lest ye become another tally in this woeful count!
June 24, 2023, 5:00 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Gianno Caldwell, a scallywag of Fox News, be askin' the FBI to take charge in the hunt for his brother's demise on the show "Your World with Neil Cavuto" on Friday. Let's hope they find the hornswoggler who did it!
June 24, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr! The ivory tinkler of Journey hath spilled his guts in a newfangled reel titled "Journey: A Voice Lost…and Found." Gather 'round, me hearties, and listen to his tale!
June 24, 2023, 4:38 am
Arrr! The remains o' them Russian missiles be causin' a blaze in the capital o' Ukraine, killin' two souls and injurin' eight more. So say the blokes in charge o' the military there. Avast ye, what a mess!
June 24, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! Them scallywags o' the right be claimin' that a Pride event in Franklin, Tenn. be a threat to wee ones! But lo and behold, the city be caught in the eye of a mighty storm o' protest. Avast ye, mateys!
June 24, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, ye anti-abortion scallywags! This anniversary of the Supreme Court's ruling be a jolly occasion for ye, yet a time to recognize the obstacles ahead. Let's hoist the Jolly Roger and navigate these murky waters together!
June 24, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr, a year since the end of Roe v. Wade, the Biden crew be workin' with scarce tools like executive orders and the bully pulpit to stir up backers fer abortion rights. Aye, 'tis a hardy task, but we'll hoist the colors and sail on!
June 24, 2023, 4:00 am
Arrr! Last year, the landlubbers at Franklin, Tenn. caused quite a ruckus with their drag shows. This year, we kept a sharp eye on a young matey of Franklin Pride's crew as they fought to throw a Pride festival in the face of fierce opposition. Aye, the seas be choppy, but we'll sail on!
June 23, 2023, 5:55 pm
Arrr, the scurvy attorney general be denyin' any meddling with the case and blockin' the prosecutor from haulin' more charges. Methinks he's got somethin' to hide, mateys!
June 23, 2023, 5:51 pm
Avast ye, scallywags! The Russkies be givin' the stink eye to the Wagner Group's cap'n and tellin' their crew to ignore his commands. They be startin' a criminal probe into the matter, so keep yer eyes peeled for more shenanigans on the horizon. Arrr!
June 23, 2023, 5:49 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! The Captain be tellin' his supporters to muster up their courage, a year after that scurvy Supreme Court made a blunder and overturned Roe v. Wade. The Democrats be hopin' to use this issue to their advantage in the upcoming elections, but we pirates know better than to trust those landlubbers.
June 23, 2023, 5:45 pm
Arrr! One matey was saved and t'other was declared dead after their flying vessel took a plunge into the watery depths o' Lake Michigan near Beaver Island. May they rest in Davy Jones' locker.
June 23, 2023, 5:42 pm
Arrr, back in 1990, a lass dared to hang an antiwar sign in a rich St. Louis 'hood. Aye, a legal tangle ensued and the case climbed all the way up to the highest court in the land!
June 23, 2023, 5:42 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Word be reachin' me ears that ol' Sheldon Harnick, the famed Broadway wordsmith behind "Fiddler on the Roof" and other grand productions, has shuffled off this mortal coil in his slumber. He be 99 years young. Arrr, a sad day indeed for the thespian world!
June 23, 2023, 5:39 pm
Arrr, mateys! The amount of sunshine plundered from Texas hath grown mightily! But some scurvy Republicans be questioning the state's increasing reliance on renewable power. Avast! What be their problem with a little clean energy?
June 23, 2023, 11:55 am
Arrr! The Attorney General, Merrick Garland, hath denied the scurrilous accusations of a sniveling whistleblower. Nay, the Justice Department did not meddle in U.S. Attorney David Weiss' hunt for Hunter Biden's booty. Savvy?
June 23, 2023, 11:49 am
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbin' Democrats gathered on Friday to commemorate a year hence the Supreme Court's decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. Arrr, let's hope they don't be walking the plank come election day!
June 23, 2023, 11:44 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The old vice captain be sayin' to his foes to give their backing to the ban. It be stricter than what that Trump landlubber be supportin'.
June 23, 2023, 11:42 am
"Arrr, ye scallywags! This Leonard Leo be claimin' that them ProPublica tales o' conservative justices be naught but a trap fer snaggin' more doubloons from them woke billionaires. Methinks he be needin' a better excuse fer plunderin' their coffers!"
June 23, 2023, 10:54 am
Yarr, me mateys! This here Mr. Rush be a true adventure-seeker, aye. He braves the risk of deepwater travel because the ocean be the universe, and where there be life! So, hoist the sails and let's set sail for the high seas!
June 23, 2023, 5:50 am
"Aye, ye scallywags! Word has it that the former captain of Google, Eric Schmidt, did fly a top White House adviser on his own vessel, all the way from Washington, D.C. to some secret hideaway in Montana. Shiver me timbers, what could they be plotting?"
June 23, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrrgh, me hearties! Denise Richards be joinin' the likes of OnlyFans after her lass, Sami Sheen, aged 19, found great success! And Carmen Electra be feelin' all the more empowered sharin' on the site! Shiver me timbers, what a world we live in!
June 23, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the Los Angeles Times editorial board be claiming that those landlubbing Republicans be clinging to the past with their high-profile effort to curb federal regulations that target gas stoves. Methinks they be needin' a taste of the plank!
June 23, 2023, 5:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Texas Christian University be teachin' a course called 'The Queer Art of Drag'! Ye must read articles claimin' the 'gender binary be a tool of white supremacy'! Walk the plank if ye don't!