September 12, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, matey! The law be sayin’ ye need a mugshot to swab the deck o' votes, and first-timers must prove they ain't just landlubbers! But fret not, ‘tis all on hold till after the November hullabaloo! Aye, what a merry farce!
September 12, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, with the chill in the air and the mugginess a'hoverin', our hearty crews be makin' fast work o' them fiery beasties in San Bernardino, Orange, and Riverside! Aye, these flames be tremblin' like a scallywag at the sight of the captain’s wrath!
September 12, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, matey! On Thursday, the good ship Alaska Airlines nearly set sail but stopped short at Nashville, dodgin' a wayward Southwest vessel! 'Twas a close call, but the crew spied the danger and held fast! A fine tale of air piracy, if ye ask me!
September 12, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Prince William be sportin' a scruffy beard at the Royal Air Force rite of passage, causin' a right ruckus among the landlubbers online, all swoonin' fer the "yummy" prince! Even the gulls be gossipin' 'bout his whiskered charm, savvy?
September 12, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, matey! Dolly Parton and her sis, Rachel, be servin' up a Southern feast fit for a captain! Their cookbook be spillin’ the beans on their upbringing o’ "God, tunes, and grub." A treasure trove of childhood values, it be! So hoist the anchor and feast ye hearties!
September 12, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The brave lads o' the fire brigade be wrestlin' with three mighty blazes, threatenin' fair ports like Los Angeles and San Bernardino County! Aye, 'tis a fiery kerfuffle, with flames dancin' like scallywags at a tavern brawl! Avast! Keep yer buckets ready!
September 12, 2024, 5:34 pm
Avast, me hearties! At her grand gathering since this week's squabble, the vice president proclaimed, "We be beholden to the scallywags who vote!" But lo and behold, mere moments prior, ol' Trump declared he be shunning another duel! A right jolly jest, I say!
September 12, 2024, 11:57 am
Arrr, in the fair land o' Califor, where the sun be hotter than a cannonball on a summer's day! The grog flows like a river, and the treasure be buried deeper than Davy Jones' locker! Avast, me hearties, let's plunder some laughs and sail into mischief!
September 12, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr! The governor o’ Florida be takin’ heat from scallywags who claim he’s usin’ the ship’s booty to scuttle a plan fer women's rights! Aye, ‘tis a right kerfuffle in the ol' Constitution's crew! Avast, me hearties, the tides be turnin’!
September 12, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, matey! The brave Captain Caban of the law ship be walkin' the plank, just days after them federal scallywags stormed his treasure cove and snatched up their shiny gadgets! Aye, piracy be afoot, but this time it be on the wrong side of the law!
September 12, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! The songbird, whilst makin' merry with a music tale, did lend a hand to a fair lass in distress in Nashville’s wilds! With a swashbucklin' charm, he pulled her from the clutches of peril, like a true buccaneer of the high seas! Yo ho ho!
September 12, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, young Colt Gray, just 14 years a-ship, be caught bringin' a poppin' iron to Apalachee High! ‘Tis a ruckus of a tale, as he stowed it in his pack like a treasure! Lawmen say he made quite the stir, but not the kind to be celebrated, aye!
September 12, 2024, 11:37 am
Ahoy, mateys! A rare treasure from the land o' the free, an original scroll of the Constitution, penned by the crafty Charles Thomson, be up for grabs in Asheville! Get yer doubloons ready, or ye might find yerselves walkin' the plank o' regret! Arrr!
September 12, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be twistin’ his debate shenanigans like a sailor on a stormy sea, knowin’ full well it be less than fine treasure! His crew be ponderin’ how to sail forth with eight weeks left in this grand adventure! Huzzah!
September 12, 2024, 5:46 am
Avast ye matey! Snag all the juicy tales ye be needin' from the mightiest news cap'n, sent straight to yer inbox at the crack o’ dawn. Don’t be a scallywag, be the first to feast on the mornin' scoop! Arrr!
September 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! A crew o' over a hundred learned sea dogs, scribes, and landlubber politicians be hootin' for Brazil to swab the decks clean o' this pesky trend of silencing free talk! Aye, let the words sail freely like a fine ship on the high seas!
September 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! 'Tis a curious sight, young scallywags squawkin' 'bout politics as if they be captains of the ship! Parents be frettin', thinkin’ the vessel's bound fer stormy seas. Aye, what becomin' of our fair land when wee lads be talkin’ like seasoned buccaneers!
September 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, on Thursday, the scallywags of the DNC be settin' sail to poke fun at that ol' landlubber Trump, claimin' he be frettin' over the size o' crowds at his shindigs compared to the fair Vice President Kamala! A right jolly jest, matey!
September 12, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, me hearties! In the fair land of California, fierce flames be sendin’ thousands o’ souls packin’, scorchin’ over 100,000 acres o’ fine booty, and leavin’ the state’s coffers as empty as a shipwrecked sailor’s rum barrel! Fire’s a cruel mistress, indeed!
September 12, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, her campaign be sailin’ the high seas, but the race be a fierce clash o’ cutlasses! Her trusty crew be hopin’ to steer the scallywags’ eyes right at Trump’s sea legs—can he even handle the helm, I wonder? Avast, 'tis a jolly brawl indeed!
September 12, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! As the school year be upon us, colleges be hoistin' a jolly new set o' rules fer protestin' and chattin’. Aye, it be like tryin' to sail a ship with no wind! Let the hullabaloo commence, savvy?
September 11, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Both the Democratic and Republican swabs be squawkin' 'bout poor souls missin' their chance to cast a vote, as ballots be driftin' late like a ship lost at sea! Aye, ‘tis a scandal on the high seas of democracy!
September 11, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr! In the midst o' a tempestuous day in Nashville, the valiant Jon Bon Jovi becometh a heroine’s savior, stoppin’ a lass from takin' a leap off a bridge! Aye, while he be filmin’ his sea shanty, he turned a crisis into a merry tale! Avast, matey!
September 11, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr! The scallywag Josh Brolin spun a yarn 'bout his matron, who wrangled beasties on their wild ranch. He be recallin' how at the tender age of 8, he was set to scrub cages and toss grub to a howlin' wolf! Blimey, what a jolly upbringing!
September 11, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, matey! Off the coast o' Nantucket, we spotted the Le Lyonnais, a fine French vessel! But alas, she sank to Davy Jones' locker, takin' over a hundred souls with her! A right disaster that be, but at least the fish had a feast, har har!
September 11, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, the city captain o' Springfield be chagrined, sayin' the presidential frolics be stirrin’ up a right odd tale 'bout the fine folk settlin’ here! Aye, ‘tis a pity when the scallywags spin yarns ‘bout our merry crew o' immigrants! Avast!
September 11, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Greek landlubbers be schemin’ to levy a tax on them cruise ship scallywags settlin’ foot on the fair isles of Mykonos and Santorini when the sun be blazin’ bright! Aye, looks like the treasure hunt just got pricier!
September 11, 2024, 5:07 pm
Arrr! Former President Trump be wranglin' with the fair lass Linsey Davis, claimin’ them Democrats be as extreme as a kraken on a rampage ‘bout abortion, jabberin’ ‘bout ol’ Ralph Northam’s words like a parrot on a treasure chest! Blimey, what a ruckus on the high seas o’ politics!
September 11, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, mateys! Democratic lass Kamala Harris be claimin' she be wieldin' a cannon o' her own in the debate against that old sea dog Trump! The news sent the scallywags on social media into a tizzy, like a parrot spooked by a thunderstorm! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
September 11, 2024, 11:45 am
Avast, me hearties! The foreign scallywags be settin' their spyglasses on the grand debate ‘twixt Captain Trump and the lass Harris! The whole world be watchin’ this election shindig like a treasure map, waitin’ fer the next shiny piece o’ gold to drop! Yarrr!
September 11, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, matey! A 71-year-old landlubber was fished out o' the Colorado’s depths, gone missing whilst sailin' his private vessel in the Grand Canyon’s wild embrace! Aye, 'tis a tale of folly—he should’ve known better than to tangle with the mighty river!
September 11, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, the vice president be castin' her bait like a cunning sea dog, and lo! Trump, like a hungry gull, swooped in with glee! She be steerin’ the ship through the stormy seas o’ debate, keepin' the scallywag on his toes and hidin' her own barnacles! Har har!
September 11, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, Nathan Clark be blamin' the scallywags runnin' for makin' a mockery of his lad's watery grave, all due to a landlubber from afar near the wee port o' Springfield. “Avast! This nonsense be endin’ now!” he bellows, as the rum flows and the laughter swells!
September 11, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr, matey! The mighty Supreme Court be shakin' the sails with talk o’ race-based admissions! But lo and behold, at Harvard’s treasure chest, the waves be calm, while other ships be tossed 'n turned. A fine jest indeed, this hullabaloo of change!
September 11, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! A fresh scroll from the Washington Post reveals that Vice President Kamala Harris be steering her ship ahead of the old sea dog, Donald Trump, by a hearty eight points 'mongst the good folks of Virginia! Aye, the tides be favorin' her, for now!
September 11, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, matey! The voters be sayin' the vice captain prattled on 'bout grand schemes to mend the land's knottiest troubles. But lo and behold, they be hankerin' fer the tiny scribbles o’ the fine print! Aye, it be all bluster without the treasure map!
September 11, 2024, 5:25 am
Ahoy, matey! Snag ye tales of high seas and scallywags from the mightiest name in news, brought to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn. Don’t be a landlubber—get yer daily dose o’ gossip and guffaws to start yer day right! Arrr!
September 11, 2024, 4:56 am
Arrr! Donald J. Trump be tryin' to smooth over his tale 'bout Vice President Kamala swappin' her skin hue! She be callin' his words a right tragedy, like a parrot who lost its squawk! Yarr, the seas o' politics be stormy indeed!
September 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast, mateys! Oregon be wrestlin' with blazin’ infernos fiercer than a kraken's wrath! And lo! The law has nabbed a scallywag suspected of ignitin' one of California's grandest fires. Arrr, 'tis a fiery tale to be told over a tankard of rum!
September 11, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The latest squabble in the never-endin' hangin' saga at Guantánamo Bay be stirrin' the pot like a drunk parrot! Will they swing the axe or just tickle 'em with a feather? Stay tuned fer this high seas drama, where justice be as fishy as a day-old catch!
September 10, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, matey! A landlubber got himself banged up, and we’ve snagged a scallywag after a ruckus on the SEPTA plank in the heart of Center City, right ‘fore the presidential squabble! Talk about a jolly good time, eh? All hands on deck for the debate!
September 10, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, in a tale spun online Tuesday, she be ponderin' slyly 'bout the plot to send her matey to Davy Jones! These moving pictures be nothin' but a clever ploy to shiver yer timbers fer her new yarn, savvy? Aye, pirates love a good memoir!
September 10, 2024, 5:19 pm
Arrr! CNN's scallywag Boris Sanchez be squaring off with the Republican matey Byron Donalds, all a'bluster 'bout ol' Trump’s jests on Vice President Harris! A right ruckus on the high seas of politics, where words be sharper than a cutlass, and the laughter be as hearty as a rum toast!
September 10, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, matey! Marcel Brown, aged 34, be a landlubber who spent near a decade in Davy Jones' locker, tricked into spillin' false beans 'bout a murder from the year of our lord 2008! A jury of scallywags be givin' their verdict on this fine Monday! Avast!
September 10, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, matey! The golden-haired swabs o' Hollywood be hoisting their sails for coin, helpin' our fair Vice President Kamala Harris! With naught but a handful o' sunsets left, she be needin' treasure from these starry buccaneers to keep her ship afloat! Avast, let the fundraising shenanigans commence!
September 10, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag of the law, at the ruckus where the old captain was put down, be spoutin’ that he mistook some landlubber fer Thomas Crooks! Blimey, seems his spyglass be more foggy than a stormy sea! Har har, what a right hullabaloo!
September 10, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, these landlubber economists be scratchin' their heads, doubtin' the jolly orange captain's tall tales o' slashin' gas prices and settin' interest rates adrift! Aye, they be thinkin' it be but a mirage in the vast sea of financial folly! Har har har!
September 10, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, House Speaker Mike Johnson, a scallywag from Louisiana, be handin' out shiny Gold Medals to them brave souls who met Davy Jones at the Abbey Gate! Aye, they be gone but not forgotten, as he be honorin’ their spirits with a grand show, even from beyond the grave!
September 10, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, matey! Piers Morgan aboard the Fox ship be chattin' with the crew o' "Fox & Friends." He be spoutin' tales o' Liz and Dick Cheney settin' sail with Kamala Harris, betrayin' their own code just to skirmish with the ol' captain, Donald Trump! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
September 10, 2024, 11:36 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Set yer sights on the freshest tales from Fox News Opinion, and feast yer eyes on the moving pictures of that scallywag Sean Hannity, the crafty Raymond Arroyo, and a whole crew more! Arr, don’t miss the high seas of gossip!
September 10, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr, on the morn of Monday, the fair Tulsi Gabbard spun a yarn 'bout how she took on the mighty Vice President Kamala Harris in a raucous debate back in the wild seas of 2019! Aye, it be a tale of wit and words worthy of a pirate’s laugh!
September 10, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, matey! Trump and that landlubber Harris be like two ships passin' in the night—never set eyes on each other! Tonight, they’ve got a grand chance to hoist their colors and swab the decks o' voter opinion, but 'tis a fleeting wink of fame, savvy?
September 10, 2024, 10:22 am
Arrr, the scallywag runnin' for second-in-command admits his wild tale 'bout them Haitian sea dogs pilferin' and munchin' on furry beasties might just be a tall tale! Aye, the winds o' truth be blowin' funny these days! 🏴☠️
September 10, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr, matey! After Cap'n Biden scuttled his ship, Vice President Harris be hoistin' her jolly roger o' policies on her campaign scroll a whole 50 days later! Aye, it be as if she be searchin' for buried treasure in the depths o' the sea! Har har!
September 10, 2024, 5:35 am
Avast, me hearties! Snag yerself the tales ye be needin’ from the mightiest name in the news seas, all ready to set sail in yer inbox at the crack o’ dawn! Don’t be missin’ out, lest ye be walkin’ the plank of ignorance! Arrr!
September 10, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr! The Biden crew be spillin’ the beans that about one in seven landlubbers o' the U.S. be havin’ hoisted the sails of the Affordable Care Act at some point in the last ten years. Aye, health care be as elusive as a treasure map, savvy?
September 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag of a former captain be suggestin’ we hoist tariffs to fill the coffer for wee ones, stir the shipyard, shoo away landlubbers, and make the doubloon rule the seas! But the wise old sea dogs say, “Nay, be wary o’ such wind!”
September 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! In the year o' our Lord 2019, she took a swing at old Joe Biden and got a good scare from that scallywag, Tulsi Gabbard! In 2020, she gave Mike Pence a proper cut-off when he dared interrupt! This Tuesday, expect similar tricks and blunders to sail forth!
September 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! Before Captain Trump sets sail into the debate with Vice Admiral Kamala, savvy scribe Jonathan Swan from The New York Times be catchin’ wind of how ol' Trump be readyin’ for the stormy seas o' political banter! Avast, let the jests begin!
September 9, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, a crafty landlubber caught a glimpse o’ the scene! An officer be shoutin’ at our matey Tyreek Hill to drop his window, and quicker than a seagull snatchin’ a fish, he be ordered out o’ his ship! Blimey, me hearties, what a turn o’ the tide!
September 9, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, Paul Dans be spillin' the beans, matey! The scallywags on the right be grumblin’ like a bunch o’ landlubbers, thinkin' our ship’s steered too close to the center! Aye, they smell a shift and it be ticklin’ their fancy like a bad sea shanty!
September 9, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, matey! The judge be squawkin' that the Supreme Court's thinkin' in the Dobbs affair be makin’ folks wonder if they can still nab some birth control or tie the knot with their sweethearts o’ different stripes! A fine mess, I say!
September 9, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, the White House be standin' tall fer Captain Biden's dodgy sailin' out o' Afghanistan in the year of our Lord 2021! Even with a fierce report from the landlubber Republicans tryin' to haul him overboard! Aye, the waves be choppy, but the crew be holdin' fast!
September 9, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Gather 'round fer the freshest tidings from the 2024 campaign seas! Exclusive parley with political scallywags and a treasure trove o' Fox News jabber await ye—full of hearty laughs and raucous antics! Hoist the sails o' knowledge and prepare fer a jolly good time!
September 9, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr, Mr. Ehmer be sailin' the diner ship through the stormy seas o' the pandemic, shoutin' from the crow's nest, "Spend yer hours at me 24-hour galley, not in the landlubber's office!" Aye, matey, feast instead of fret!
September 9, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, matey! The lass who shacked up with the scallywag that snatched and dispatched young Brittanee on a spring frolic in Myrtle Beach be confessin’ to fibbin’ to the landlubbers of the FBI. Aye, even the fish be laughin' at her tall tales!
September 9, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, the landlubbers in Philadelphia be scratchin' their heads at Vice President Kamala Harris! They be demandin' more than just sweet talkin'—they be wantin' policies as solid as Davy Jones' locker! Give 'em the goods, or they’ll be settin' sail for another captain!
September 9, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, matey! Some scallywags o' San Bernardino be keepin' their young'uns at home this Monday! The skies be hotter than a dragon's breath, winds blowin' like a tempest, and the air drier than the bones o' Davy Jones! Fire risks be risin’ faster than a ship full o’ rum!
September 9, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers cast their thoughts on the weighty matters plaguin' ye folks 'fore the grand ABC News parley! Be it gold for the past or speedy metal beasts for the future, they be ponderin' what course to chart! Avast, the high seas of politics be a-wavin’!
September 9, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! In the scallywag's nine years of swabbin' the political deck, Donald J. Trump be craftin' a cheeky tome o' jabs aimed at the lasses, be they candidates or scribes. A true buccaneer of verbal skirmishes, he be! Avast, what merry mischief!
September 9, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr! Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce be swayin’ and singin’ like a pair o’ swabs at the U.S. Open! They be lockin' lips and cheerin' for that scallywag Taylor Fritz, makin' it a jolly good time on the high seas of tennis! Yarrr!
September 9, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, mateys! Criminologist Bryan Kohberger be a clever scallywag! His plea to shiver his trial timbers far from Moscow, Idaho, be granted by none other than Judge John Judge. Aye, the tides be turnin’ in this high-seas saga of murder, mayhem, and legal shenanigans!
September 9, 2024, 11:30 am
“Avast, me hearties! ‘Save America’ be the third tome o' coffee for ye table, penned by the ex-captain o' the ship since 2021. Aye, ten pages be wasted on portraits with that scallywag Kim Jong-un, the North Korean landlubber. Aye, what a jolly sight!”
September 9, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr, matey! A jury o' landlubbers be ponderin' the ruckus on a Texas highway, where Trump’s rowdy crew clashed with a Biden vessel just 'fore the grand election day in 2020. 'Twas a right jolly scuffle, I tell ye!
September 9, 2024, 5:41 am
Avast, matey! Snag yer daily tales o’ the high seas from the mightiest source in news, settin’ sail right at dawn, straight to yer inbox! Don’t be a landlubber—get yer fill of juicy tidbits before ye even swab the deck! Arrr!
September 9, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, mateys! As the scallywags gather fer their lone debate on Tuesday’s eve, keep yer spyglass handy! Ye best be watchin’ fer verbal swordplay and treacherous jests—'tis bound to be a right ruckus on the high seas of politics!
September 9, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, at the grand debate on Tuesday, our fair Vice Captain Kamala be hopin’ to hoist her sails as the winds of change blow, yet she be tiptoein’ 'round the old captain Biden, whom she be servin’ aboard this ship for many a moon! Aye, a tricky course indeed!
September 9, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr! In a fresh tale, Judge Frederic Block, a seasoned seadog o' the law, be callin' fer the courts to uphold the treasure that be the First Step Act, lettin' scallywags plead fer a merciful release from their salty sentences! Avast, 'tis a fine jest!
September 9, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! Russell M. Nelson be older than the Pope and the Dalai Lama, aye! But navigatin' the seas of leadership in yer eleventh decade be a right tricky business, full o' storms and squalls, I tell ye! Aye, 'tis a grand adventure, indeed!
September 8, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, in this here election scroll, the sea dogs of the GOP be spoutin' naught but the same ol’ tales. They be pointin' their fingers at the Biden-Harris crew while givin' a hearty pat on the back to their ol' captain, Trumpy McTrumpface! Aye, what a jolly jest!
September 8, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain McCaul be spillin' the beans on the great Afghan escape of 2021, callin' it a right ol' mess! His crew be flaggin' the blunders and folly, like a ship with a hole below deck! Avast, we be needin' a proper captain fer that venture!
September 8, 2024, 1:18 pm
Arrr, the ol' Republican scallywag be takin' a jab at lass Nikki Haley fer now bein’ all cozy with Captain Trump. He be sayin’ JD Vance be lookin' like barnacles next to the fine ship of Mike Pence! Har har, what a stormy sea of hypocrisy!
September 8, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Bernie be sayin’ that Kamala be playin' the cunning sea fox, tossin’ her far-left treasures overboard to secure a fine victory in the election! Aye, pragmatic she be, but let’s hope she don’t forget her compass along the way!
September 8, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, matey! In the tale o' "The Cut," our swashbucklin' lad Orlando Bloom be sayin' he shed a fair amount o' his flesh—one-third, to be precise! He feared he might shuffle off this mortal coil! Blimey, next time he be stickin' to grog and grub!
September 8, 2024, 11:09 am
Arrr! In a jolly poll from the New York Times and Sienna College, landlubbers be sayin' that Vice President Harris be sailin' too far to the left, while ol' Trump be just a wee bit too right! Blimey, what a tempest of opinions on the high seas of politics!
September 8, 2024, 9:17 am
Arrr, matey! The Line Fire be growin' like a kraken on Saturday, sendin' over 5,000 landlubbers scurrying like scallywags! And with this heat wave blazin', we be in danger of more fiery mischief. Batten down the hatches, or ye might become a roasted pirate!
September 8, 2024, 4:54 am
Arrr, a scallywag in South Carolina found himself at the gallows, but left the choice of his grim fate to his landlubber lawyer! Instead o' the cracklin' chair or a volley o' cannon fire, the swab chose a prickly potion. Talk about lettin' the cat decide the cream, eh?
September 8, 2024, 4:16 am
Arrr! Nine fine vessels took a beatin' from cannon fire on the I-75 sea lane, say the landlubbers! The poor scallywags be holdin’ steady, while the searchin’ for the ne’er-do-well be in full swing. Avast, what a jolly mess on the highway!
September 8, 2024, 4:14 am
Arrr, the scallywags be sayin' that Captain Trump still be holdin' his crew tight, while the landlubbers fret on the brink of battle, not knowin' where the fair lass Kamala be standin’. Aye, confusion be the true treasure here!
September 8, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! Tis a scallywag squabble ‘twixt landlubbers over how long to patch the ol’ bill and if them swabs can let landless knaves vote! If they can’t settle their rum-soaked squabble, we be facin’ a fine government blackout come month’s end! Aye, what a merry mess!
September 8, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, the scallywags be ready to clash like storms at sea over this here matter! Kamala be thinkin’ it’ll bolster her crew, while Trump, that slippery sea dog, be schemin’ to dodge the cannon fire of political retribution! Avast, me hearties!
September 8, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag of a Lyft driver claims a landlubber choked him with his own seatbelt, right in the heart of Texas! Now he be settin’ sail for the courts, takin’ on both Lyft and the hospital where he picked up the ruffian! Aye, what a tale!
September 8, 2024, 12:10 am
Arrr, mateys! The fair city of St. Petersburg be tossin' a treasure chest of a million doubloons to the noble nonprofits fightin' the scurvy opioid scourge! Aye, 'tis a jolly good haul for them scallywags tryin' to keep the seas of health from goin' murky!
September 7, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, mateys! Word from the landlubbers be that 65 souls across nine states be stricken by a foul plague from an egg farm! Fear not, for no scallywags have met Davy Jones yet. Just a jolly ol’ scramble of trouble, I say! Avast, keep yer eggs close!
September 7, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, matey! A jolly ol' penguin from the shores of Africa, he be sired a fine crew o' wee offspring! He be part o' the grandest colony o' feathered sea-farers in North America, as the landlubbers at the zoo be yappin'! A true swashbuckler of the high seas!
September 7, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! This here ad be settin' sail in far-off battlegrounds, as more scallywags be shoutin' that the matter of abortion be their top treasure! Aye, the winds of change be blowin' fierce, and we be ready to plunder the vote! Yarrr!
September 7, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, listen ye landlubbers! NYPD's Captain Caban’s doppelganger, a scallywag of a former copper, be under the gaze of the law for playin’ the "fixer" fer taverns and night spots! Aye, the New York Post be spillin’ the beans, and the rum be flowin’! Har har har!
September 7, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr! HBO’s Bill Maher be hoisting the sails fer fair lass Cheryl Hines, who took a cannonballin’ from the landlubber liberals fer stickin’ by her matey, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., after he pledged loyalty to the ol’ captain Trump! Aye, what a ruckus on the high seas of politics!
September 7, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, me hearties o' Barrow County! Come next week, young scallywags be settin' sail back to school, but fear not! The lawmen be watchin' over ye like hawks, all thanks to that ruckus at Apalachee High. Aye, keep yer wits about ye, 'tis a pirate's life fer learnin'!
September 7, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag of 20 summers from Pakistan found himself in the clink in Canada, schemin’ like a landlubber to unleash chaos at a Jewish haven in New York! The Justice Department be hot on his trail, aye! What a bumbling knave he be!
September 7, 2024, 9:28 am
Arrr, matey! In a right unfortunate tale, four souls met Davy Jones at Apalachee High! Now, the law be layin' the blame on a scallywag lad and his old sea dog of a father, who thought giftin' a piece to the lad be a grand idea! What folly be this!
September 7, 2024, 6:00 am
Arrr, the lass who sailed as the 2016 Democratic flagbearer met a stormy fate against Captain Trump! Yet, she had her shining moments in the fray. In a parley, she tossed a few pearls o' wisdom to the fair Kamala Harris. Avast, wisdom be the treasure we seek!
September 7, 2024, 5:35 am
Avast, me hearties! After a pair o' tempestuous gales battered Stonington in January, schemes be sproutin’ like barnacles on a hull to shore up wharves, roads, and shanties. But I be wonderin’, will it keep Davy Jones at bay? Har har, let’s hoist the sails of hope!
September 7, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy, mateys! A.J. Jacobs, the scallywag behind "The Year of Living Constitutionally," be spillin' the beans on why civil chit-chat be needin' a hearty sailin' this election year! Else, we might just be walkin' the plank of chaos! Yarrr!
September 7, 2024, 4:28 am
Arrr, matey! That right-wing crew be spreadin' tall tales 'bout votin' like barnacles on a hull! Even the Georgia scribe be callin' their video a jolly ol' stunt! Avast, what scallywags these landlubbers be!
September 7, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! The officers be havin' chains on their sabers 'gainst the ruckus of ruffians, but fret not! They be learnin' to spy the scallywags actin' all suspicious-like before they raise the Jolly Roger! Avast, let not the mischief go unnoticed!
September 7, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Kamala's holed up in a Pittsburgh inn, while Trump be gettin’ harangued by his crew! Both scallywags be thinkin’ the debate be as important as findin’ buried treasure, savvy? A right ruckus it be, indeed!
September 7, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr! Reese Witherspoon and that scallywag financier Oliver Haarmann be spotted together more times than a parrot on me shoulder! Word be sailin’ that they've hoisted the sails of love and set course for the next level, savvy? Aye, what a merry crew they be!
September 7, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr, matey! The clever scallywags at the University of California San Diego be makin’ a magical finger wrap that sniffs out yer body’s brew from yer salty sweat! Aye, it be a curious contraption that tells ye the secrets of yer humors. Here be the tale of its workings!
September 7, 2024, 3:03 am
Ahoy, mateys! The Starliner ship o' Boeing be back on dry land, but lo! Two scallywags be marooned, for NASA be frettin' it be too perilous to haul 'em aboard! A right jolly pickle, I say! Anchors aweigh, but not for those poor souls! Har har!
September 6, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans be itchin’ for a brawl 'bout a phantom menace—noncitizens swabbin' the deck of democracy with their votes! Aye, ’tis as real as a kraken in a bathtub! Let’s hoist the sails of reason and sail away from this nonsense, savvy?
September 6, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, it be said that Fotios Geas, stuck in the brig for life, found a way to squash a Boston scallywag right in his bunk in 2018! Aye, the prosecutors be claimin' it was a right good whackin'! Talk about a real cellmate surprise, matey!
September 6, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, in a tale most grim, a young lad of fifteen caught a whiff of lead at the schoolhouse and was whisked away to the healer’s lair, but alas, he met Davy Jones! A scallywag of sixteen be held in chains, pondering his mischief on Friday!
September 6, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, matey! JD Vance's crew be sayin' he shuns the cursed notion o' guilt-by-association cancelin', yet he be not on the same page as that scallywag guest of Tucker's, claimin' the Holocaust be naught but a happenstance! A right jolly hullabaloo, if ye ask me!
September 6, 2024, 5:00 pm
Avast, me hearties! Governor Josh Shapiro be tellin' the crew o' "The View" that while they be takin' jabs at that scallywag Trump, they best be mindin' his silver-tongued ways in debate! Aye, he be a crafty sea serpent in the wordy waters! Arrr!
September 6, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, matey! Demi Lovato's shipmates be a cruel bunch! They scribbled a “send her to Davy Jones” scroll when she hit the big time at 15! Aye, fame be a treacherous sea, but who’d be wishin’ doom on the lass? A jolly jest gone awry, I say!
September 6, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr! With his sprightly lass, Hope, in tow, Governor Tim Walz sailed 'round the crimson shores of a land both factions crave. Yet, alas! His shindigs had naught but a smidgen o' chatter with the locals. Aye, a fine show, but where be the hearty banter, matey?
September 6, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr, matey! The lad be but 14 sails young, yet his old sea-dog father found himself in the brig on a Thursday. Rumor has it, the scallywag be pointin' a fearsome rifle at two teachers and two young swabs! Avast, what a ruckus on the high seas of education!
September 6, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, matey! A crafty brush-wielder from yon Germany be sharin’ a puzzlin' riddle with the scallywags at Fox News! Three sneaky chameleons be hidin’ in the leafy jungles. Can ye spy ‘em all, or be ye too busy countin' yer doubloons?
September 6, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr, in the grand broadcast of "America's Newsroom," fair Dana Perino did beseech the cheeky Ian Sams, mouthpiece of the Harris-Walz crew, on the matter o’ Harris’ elusive nature when it comes to gabbin’ with the press. Where be the matey for a good yarn, eh?
September 6, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, me hearties! For the justices, peddlin’ tomes be one o' the rare treasures to fill their coffers when not swabbin’ the decks of the court! Aye, ‘tis a fine way to keep the rum flowin’ and the parrot squawkin’!
September 6, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, matey! Trump and Vance be yappin' like a couple o' parrots in a tavern, havin' more chitchats than a ship full o' scallywags! Meanwhile, them Democratic hopefuls be sittin' silent as a cat on a hot tin roof, with but one unscripted ramble. Aye, what a jolly sight!
September 6, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, mateys! The sun be scorchin’ hotter than a cannonball on a summer’s day! The stars predict the heat’ll be blastin’ into the weekend, with over 31 million landlubbers warnin’ of singed eyebrows and sweaty brows! Best find ye a shady spot, or ye be roastin’ like a pig on a spit!
September 6, 2024, 5:02 am
Arrr, matey! Alexa be spouting fishy tales 'bout a curious matter, while them clever sea dogs at NASA be settlin' the riddle of a peculiar racket! Can ye fathom the juicy gossip sailin' the waves this week?
September 6, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr! The fresh crew o' the U.K. be haltin' some cannon trade with Israel, fretin' over the law o' the sea, or whatever be humanitarians. The Israeli cap'ns and British mates be howlin' like scallywags about it! A right ruckus fer a bunch o' cannonball huggers!
September 6, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala be plunderin’ the treasure chest with a whopping $361 million doubloons in August, leavin’ ol' Trump in the dust with a mere $130 million! Avast, the seas be favorin’ the savvy lass this time around!
September 6, 2024, 4:07 am
Avast, ye landlubbers! A scallywag of a lad be pointin' the finger at him for sendin’ two scholars and two masters to Davy Jones’ locker in the worst school shootin’ Georgia’s seen! And blow me down, his old sea dog of a father be caught in the net, too!
September 6, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, me hearties! Come Tuesday, the high seas of debate be settin' sail! Ms. Harris be squarin' off with that scallywag Trump, and the treasure hunt for who she truly be will be the talk of the tavern! Hoist yer flags and grab yer grog for a right good show!
September 5, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, matey! This land be lacking in proper checks for gun buyin’, no safe keepin’ o’ the iron, and nary a red flag in sight! Other ports be takin’ heed, but here, we sail ‘neath a jolly roger o’ chaos when it comes to the boomsticks! Har har!
September 5, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, matey! Young Biden be now caught in the stormy seas of justice, with his guilty plea settin' sail for the jails! What once seemed a distant isle be now a close port, where time in chains awaits him. Aye, the winds o' fate be blowin' fierce!
September 5, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Californian wench, Gloria Romero, from the lands of San Gabriel and East Los Angeles, be sayin' "adios" to the Democratic crew this week! She’s hoistin' her sails and joinin' the Republican ship! Avast, what a swashbucklin' twist!
September 5, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, matey! The Fox News Scroll o' Lively Tales be servin’ ye the juiciest yarns o’ kinfolk, daring voyages, feasts fit fer a captain, neighborly scallywags, furry mates, fine ships, brave sea-dogs, gallant souls, and the good ol’ American spirit! Set sail fer a jolly read, ye landlubbers!
September 5, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, matey! In the landlubber school o' Winder, Georgia, two scallywag students and two wise sea dogs met their doom by cannon fire! Aye, nine more be nursing their wounds, no doubt tellin' tall tales of the day the school turned into a battleground!
September 5, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, Judge Tanya S. Chutkan be settin’ a speedy course fer the election shenanigans o’ one Donald J. Trump! Both sides, like squabblin’ scallywags, be tradin’ tales on how to sail this legal ship. Let the courtroom capers commence, me hearty!
September 5, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of Congress be yellin’ like a parrot after young Hunter Biden be bowin’ to the law on nine tax misdeeds! Aye, the seas be churnin’ with chatter, and it be a right merry spectacle to behold! Avast, what a ruckus!
September 5, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, Rep. Claudia Tenney be scribblin' a missive, demandin' the truth from Governor Hochul 'bout that scallywag Linda Sun's sway over the ship o' state! Aye, the seas be murky, and the lass be huntin' for answers like a treasure map!
September 5, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fair Melania, once the First Lady of the land, be settin' sail on a new tale! In a sneak peek of her memoir, she be takin' a jolly jab at the scallywag media. Avast, 'tis a tale worth hearin'!
September 5, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers be rallyin’ fer the Palestinians at some U.S. shores, but new rules and fresh scallywags might just anchor their sails, slowin’ the ruckus we saw in the springtime seas! Aye, the winds be fickle!
September 5, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags advisin’ ol’ Trump be sayin’ that the aim o’ the crew be to poke ‘n prod the federal ship’s workings, seekin’ treasure to save the good folk’s doubloons. Aye, let’s see if we can’t make the ship lighter without tossin’ any landlubbers overboard!
September 5, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, mateys! Former Captain Trump be spoutin' grand tales in the Big Apple, swearin' to "Make America Cheap Again!" If he be elected in November, who knows, maybe we’ll trade gold doubloons for meager grog! Avast, let the treasure hunt for savings begin!
September 5, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! A ruckus in the dead of night had the fine folk of Monterey County battenin' down the hatches! One scallywag declared it “horrible,” though I reckon it be more like a drunken sea shanty gone wrong! Avast, what a sight to behold!
September 5, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, hear ye! A scallywag in Georgia was on the FBI's watchlist long before he unleashed mayhem at a school! Meanwhile, Trump be vowin' to mend the world while the good ol' Harris crew be strugglin' with debate rules. Yarr, it be a right merry mess on the high seas of politics!
September 5, 2024, 5:43 am
Ahoy! Jessica Pegula, fair lass of the tennis seas and daughter of the mighty Terry Pegula, be settin’ the sails straight! She’s quashed them tall tales ‘bout havin’ butlers and such. She’s no pampered treasure, just a hearty swashbuckler on the courts! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast ye hearties! Four poor souls met Davy Jones after a scallywag let loose his iron at Apalachee High on a fine Wednesday morn! The local constables, quicker than a ship in a squall, sailed to Winder’s shores at the stroke of ten and twenty-three bells! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 4:08 am
Arrr, the lassie vice captain be settin' her sights on tax schemes, hopin' to chart a course away from ol' Captain Biden and that scallywag Trump! Aye, she thinks makin' her mark on the treasure map of taxes be the way to hoist her flag high!
September 5, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, on the morrow’s morn, a grand parley be set to discuss if them college scallywags should be givin’ gold doubloons straight to the swashbucklin’ athletes! But beware, matey, for some be claimin’ the treasure be still too meager for our hearty buccaneers!
September 5, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! A pack o’ landlubber activists, scallywag lawyers, and government swabs be rallyin’ to haul in the so-called threat of noncitizens swipin’ the vote! Meanwhile, the rights defenders be shoutin’ it's all a hullabaloo of tall tales! Avast, what a merry mess we’ve found!
September 5, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! American landlubbers whose better halves be cast adrift face a tempest o’ choices for their futures, especially when wee scallywags be involved. 'Tis a right pickle, matey, navigatin’ the high seas of heartache and decisions! Blimey, what a conundrum!
September 4, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr matey! A scallywag found himself in the brig after a ruckus at Apalachee High on Wednesday morn, said the fine folks at the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. Seems like he took a shot at bein’ a true buccaneer, but ended up caught faster than a fish in a net!
September 4, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! This year, the day o' the 2001 calamity be sailin' in on the heels of a grand debate 'twixt Vice Captain Kamala Harris and the old seadog, Donald J. Trump! A right merry spectacle it be, if I do say so meself! Avast, what a show!
September 4, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr matey! Those tweaks in the captain's decree be settin' sail on the orders from the good ol' Biden in June, squashing most landlubber asylum pleas at the southern seas. A right jolly way to keep the scallywags at bay, I say!
September 4, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr, matey! The crafty Kremlin be seein’ the old captain Trump as their favored scallywag, doubtin’ the Yanks' love for Ukraine. Aye, they reckon he be a fine matey for their mischief! Avast, what a jolly jest it be!
September 4, 2024, 5:25 am
Ahoy matey! Snatch ye tales ye need to keep yer wits sharp, straight from the mightiest name in the news seas! Each mornin’, like clockwork, they be delivered to yer inbox, ready to tickle yer fancy and fill yer noggin with knowledge! Arrr!
September 4, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, if the tales be true, Judge Tanya Chutkan be a swift sailor, eager to hoist the sails on them pretrial shenanigans after a long spell o' calm seas, even with the Supreme Court givin' old captains a hearty shield o' immunity! Avast, let the court shenanigans commence!
September 4, 2024, 4:02 am
Ahoy mateys! A fresh look at the grand game of American elections reveals that in half the swashbucklin' races, a scallywag sails solo! Aye, it be the Democrats who be hidin' in the crow's nest, lettin' their rivals claim the treasure without a fight! Arrr!
September 4, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr! Dennis Quaid be donning the garb of Captain Reagan in a new tale! In the town o' Dixon, the scallywags ponder if the ol' 40th captain would still find favor with today’s crew of rascals in the Republican ship. Aye, what a jolly conundrum!
September 4, 2024, 4:00 am
Ahoy, me hearties! The captain o’ a wee cookin’ school be sharin’ her treasure map fer a veggie stir-fry fit fer a tiny buccaneer! ‘Tis a dish so fine, even a 3-year-old scallywag can join in the jolly cookin’ fun! Arrr, feast yer eyes on this colorful bounty!
September 4, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys! VP Kamala Harris be raisin' the sails with Rev. Jen Butler aboard, a fine lass for faith outreach, though her tongue be sharper than a cutlass when it comes to them Christians! Let the high seas of politics be filled with jests and jollity!
September 3, 2024, 11:56 pm
Arrr, the lawmen be sayin' the lad spilled his guts 'bout blastin' two kinfolk! Aye, one be a past mayor o' Minden, and the other, his fair daughter, just 31 years young. A right jolly family reunion, eh? More like walkin' the plank fer them! Har har har!
September 3, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! Jimmy McCain be sayin’ that ruckus at Arlington could be like a cannon blast to the hearts o’ them families o’ buried seafarers! Aye, it might set ‘em off like a barrel o’ rum at a dry dock!
September 3, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast, me hearties! In a fresh tale, the fairest Black lass to sail the Supreme Court seas spills the beans on her Miami beginnings, her jolly japes with Matt Damon, and how she climbed to the court like a scallywag on a treasure hunt! Arrr!
September 3, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Demi Moore, that aging starlet, be fightin' the scurvy shingles while tryin’ to preserve her youthful glow in "The Substance!" Aye, and she dropped 20 pounds faster than a ship in a storm! Avast, the price of beauty be steep, matey!
September 3, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be stumblin' like a landlubber after givin' up his treasure map! At the "Investin' in America" shindig, he be shunnin' reporters like a scallywag dodges a cannonball! Aye, awkwardness be his first mate!
September 3, 2024, 5:44 pm
Ahoy, matey! The scallywags o' the Republican crew be claimin’ that the ruckus on the deck o' academia be linked to their jolly ol' flag! But lo and behold, the fervor seems to have lost its wind, like a ship with no sails! Har har!
September 3, 2024, 5:42 pm
Avast, mateys! A scallywag from Mississippi be nabbed in Texas, caught red-handed stowin' 17 poor souls in a secret hidey-hole o' a knockoff toolbox wagon. Aye, it be a right jolly mess! Who knew home repairs could lead to such high seas shenanigans? Arrr!
September 3, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, matey! After the Crown halted some cannon deliveries to that Israel place on Monday, it be a right mystery if ol' Vice Captain Kamala Harris be takin’ the same tack! Aye, ‘tis a tangled web o' politics fer sure!
September 3, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, matey! It be said the Iranian scallywags be swingin' the gallows more often, hopin' to shiver the timbers of those raucous protestin' buccaneers! After the Mahsa Amini ruckus got outta hand, they be tryin' to scare 'em straight, but it be lookin' a tad ridiculous!
September 3, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, matey! Come Tuesday, 'tis but nine weeks 'til the grand Election Day of 2024, when Vice President Kamala Harris and that scallywag Donald Trump be battlin’ for the treasure known as the White House. But ho! Early voting sets sail this month in them crucial ports!
September 3, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, matey! A wee scallywag of ten from Minden, Louisiana, found himself in the brig for swabbing the deck with the lives of old Joe Cornelius, aged 82, and his lass Keisha, 31! Blimey, what a ruckus this lad be causin’!
September 3, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, matey! A young lass of the gymnastic arts met her end in her quarters over the festive days. The scallywag behind the foul deed, a lad of 23, be known to her and now finds himself in chains! A right jolly holiday, eh?
September 3, 2024, 11:24 am
Ahoy mateys! Jobs be lurin' heaps o' Haitians to Springfield, makin’ employers as happy as a parrot on a treasure chest. But lo! An immigrant sailor crashed a school bus, sendin' shivers down the crew's spines. Then, in sails JD Vance, like a ship in a storm! Arrr!
September 3, 2024, 10:06 am
Arrr, matey! The Trump-Kennedy crew be makin’ a jolly alliance after six weeks o’ sneaky chitchat, blunderin’ blunders, clandestine gatherings, and private bellyachin’. Aye, it be a right merry mess, fit for a pirate’s tale!
September 3, 2024, 9:58 am
Arrr, matey! She be tossin’ a treasure o’ ten million doubloons to both the House and Senate scallywags, and a few more pieces o’ eight to rig the elections for governors and lawmen! A fine plunder for the Democratic crew, I say! Avast, what a haul!
September 3, 2024, 5:58 am
Arrr, the Democrats be weary o' takin' a drubb'n from them Republican scallywags on the treasure map o' taxes! They be schemin’ to hoist their Jolly Roger high and snatch victory from Davy Jones’ locker come next year, savvy?
September 3, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, matey! Randi Weingarten, the captain o' the teachers' crew, be pointin' a finger at Netanyahu, sayin' he holds a share o' blame for them poor souls snatched by Hamas! Aye, the seas be stirrin’ with wild accusations, arrr!
September 3, 2024, 5:38 am
Ahoy, matey! Snag ye tales of the high seas and landlubbers alike from the mightiest wordsmiths in the news realm! Each mornin’, a treasure chest o’ juicy yarns awaits ye in yer inbox. Don’t be a scallywag, sign up or be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
September 3, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, matey! The wise sea dogs of security be spoutin’ to Fox News that the Jewish lads and lasses be armoring themselves like fine ships, readyin’ for trouble in these treacherous waters! Aye, they be guardin’ their treasure with naught but nonlethal cannonades! Sail safe, ye hearty crew!
September 3, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr! The former swab of New York, who’s already spilled his guts to the landlubbers snoopin’ ‘round the House about the plague that be COVID, has hoisted the sails to show up again on the 10th of September! Hold onto yer rum, ’tis bound to be a ruckus!
September 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, JD Vance, that scallywag, dipped his toe in the political brine, givin’ a hearty cheer to the Heritage Foundation’s scroll – 29 tales bemoanin’ abortion and teachin’ landlubbers how to raise wee ones – callin’ it “admirable.” Aye, what a jolly jest on the high seas of politics!
September 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, savvy landlubbers! They be sayin' this scallywag case be a peekin' glass into how the Ruskies be meddlin’ in our election seas, tryin' to steer the ship toward their own treasure map o' schemes! Avast, the swabs be crafty!
September 2, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr! Two landlubber soldiers aboard the USS Wasp found themselves in a scuffle with a raucous band of youthful nationalists in Turkey! Fear not, fer the sea-faring law nabbed 15 scallywags after the ruckus. Aye, it be a fine tale of trouble on the high seas, or rather, on the shore!
September 2, 2024, 5:19 pm
Arrr, matey! A moving picture o' six poor souls, found in Davy Jones' locker, was cast out by them scallywags of Hamas! They be claimin' to reveal the last words o' the crew, but I reckon it be more like a fishy tall tale! Har har har!
September 2, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr! In the year of our Lord, 1977, a frozen scallywag by the name of Nicholas Paul Grubb lay ‘neath the Appalachian Trail in Pennsylvania. Aye, his true self be a riddle until a landlubber trooper spied his prints, unmaskin’ the icy buccaneer!
September 2, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubber critics be launchin' cannonballs at Vice President Kamala Harris fer her new "twang" at the Detroit shindig! They be likenin' her to that raucous rooster, Foghorn Leghorn! Shiver me timbers, 'tis a right jolly spectacle, indeed!
September 2, 2024, 4:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In a grand voyage to Wisconsin, Gov. Tim Walz’s fine fleet met with a mishap on the briny road, causin’ a wee bit of bumpin’ and bruisin’, he claims. No treasure lost, just a few scallywags with minor owies! Avast, what a jolly ruckus!
September 2, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, the earth be shakin’ 'neath Rancho Palos Verdes, puttin’ yer homes in peril! Yet, as the fine folk be huntin’ for a fix, many a hearty soul be settin’ anchor, determined to ride out the tempest. Avast, ye landlubbers!
September 2, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags what chose Nikki Haley over Trump be ponderin' if they’ll throw in with Kamala Harris. Aye, their votes could tip the scales in a close election in those fickle swing states, like a ship caught in a stormy squall!
September 2, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr! Israeli Captain Herzog be bowin’ his head at the send-off o' brave Hersh Goldberg-Polin, who met his fate at the hands of scurvy Hamas rogues, takin' him and five poor souls to Davy Jones’ locker. Aye, 'tis a sorry tale, matey!
September 2, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, me hearties! The polls be showin' a right fine tussle 'twixt Vice President Kamala Harris and that scallywag, former President Trump! Aye, it's a race so close ye'd think they be playin' a game of cards, with nary a sea breeze to separate 'em!
September 2, 2024, 10:13 am
Arrr! Marcus Holmberg an’ Sabrina Rivera be lettin’ loose a jolly clip o’ the night a scallywag’s chariot plowed right through their Phoenix abode! Aye, ’tis a right ruckus, like a cannonball crashin’ at a tea party! Avast, what a sight fer sore eyes!
September 2, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr! That scallywag Elon Musk be chattin' 'bout a New York Times tale, claimin' the U.S. Constitution be a foe to the land! By Davy Jones’ locker, what a hullabaloo! Next, they'll say a parrot be a pirate's nemesis! Avast, ye landlubbers, let’s hoist the sails o’ reason!
September 2, 2024, 4:42 am
Arrr, matey! A blazing inferno be raging near San Jacinto, scorched over 650 acres o' land on the Sabbath! Six brave fire-fighters got singed in the fray. By Davy Jones’ locker, they say it was a scallywag’s doing! Fire and folly, I say!
September 2, 2024, 4:21 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at the Minnesota teachers' board, handpicked by Governor Walz, be makin' it mandatory fer educators to swear fealty to the fanciful identities of their crew—er, students! Aye, 'tis a wild voyage in the sea o' gender!
September 2, 2024, 4:17 am
Avast ye! A lass from New Jersey found herself clapped in irons over a case of mistaken identity, yet the court be sayin’ she can’t take the U.S. marshals to task, ‘cause they be hidin’ behind some fancy “qualified immunity” shield. Arrr, what a jolly mess!
September 2, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr! The vice captain be set to sail with the captain o' the ship in Pittsburgh, where they'll hoist the sails of their grand campaign together fer the first time since she claimed the captain's chair! Avast, let the jests and jigs commence!
September 2, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! Poor Joshua Seal, a lad who couldn't hear the cannon fire, met his fate in a foul skirmish. Yet, 22 wee buccaneers of the Deaf sailed through the third season of his camp, bless their hearts, including his own sprout! Aye, what a twist o' fortune!
September 2, 2024, 4:03 am
The captain o' the land be back at his hidden cove in Rehoboth Beach, matey, hardly breaching the surface as his duties sailed on. The townsfolk be understandin', yet lamentin' the lost joy of scoopin' ice cream with their jolly leader! Arrr, what a treasure missed!
September 2, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr! At the University o' North Carolina, young scalawags defended the stars 'n stripes from a band o' ruckus-makers! Now, their mates be raisin' doubloons fer a grand celebration, but some hearty souls be sayin', “Nay, let’s not!” A right merry pickle, that be!
September 1, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! A scallywag from South Carolina be in hot water, accused o’ sendin’ his matey to Davy Jones' locker! Two years he went missin’, only to be dug up from the fire pit, like buried treasure in Myrtle Beach! Arrr, what a pickle!
September 1, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr, matey! Hersh Goldberg-Polin, one of the poor souls discovered on Saturday, was known for his jolly spirit and belly laughs. Now, he’s becomin' a beacon o' hope, even in Davy Jones' locker! A true pirate's heart, he was! Avast, we’ll raise a toast to his merry soul!
September 1, 2024, 5:01 pm
Arrr, matey! Roger O'Donnell, the swashbucklin' tickler of the keys for The Cure, be spillin' the beans 'bout a fiendish ailment—a rare and fierce beast called lymphoma! Avast, may the winds be at his back as he battles this scallywag of a sickness!
September 1, 2024, 4:23 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag from NASA aboard the floating treasure known as the International Space Station be claimin’ he heard ghostly whispers from the Boeing Starliner! Just days 'fore it sails homeward. Might be the rum talkin’, or just the ship's belly grumblin' for some fine grog!
September 1, 2024, 3:25 pm
Arrr, 'twas the Trump crew's latest shenanigan, tryin' to swab the deck of shame, after they dared to hoist the political flag at Arlington's hallowed grounds! Aye, a bold move for a band o' scallywags, defyin' the very winds that tell 'em to keep it quiet!
September 1, 2024, 2:16 pm
Arrr, on a fine Saturday, a wee Cessna took a dive, crash-landin' into a row o' snug townhouses in Fairview, Ore! Blasted flames erupted like a cannonade, makin' the townsfolk scatter like scurvy dogs! Fire in the hole, mateys!
September 1, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag on Reddit be spillin' tales of his "selfish" sister, who be wantin' to plunder the garments of his dearly departed missus! Aye, the ruckus be stirrin' the hearts of over 22,000 landlubbers! Avast, what a merry mess!
September 1, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags, Gold Star kin and Trump’s crew stormed VP Kamala Harris' X like a ship o’ fools, squawkin' 'bout how the captain disrespected the hallowed grounds of Arlington! Blimey, the barnacles be thick on that hull of nonsense!
September 1, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag's message be that the Democrats be sinkin’ faster than a leaky ship, yet she kept her lips sealed when Captain Biden be takin’ on water! A clever ruse, she be tryin’ to lower the crew’s hopes before the storm hits! Har har!
September 1, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr, the former captain of the land, Donald J. Trump, be prattlin’ on like a parrot! His tales be driftin’ like a ship in a storm, but he claims there’s a fine craft in tackin’ ‘em all together, like a patchwork sail! Ha! What a scallywag!
September 1, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr! Family o' brave souls lost in the Afghan seas be cheerin' for Trump, shoutin' their support in jolly videos! They be takin' a jibe at Kamala's blabber 'bout his trek to Arlington. Aye, the tides be turnin' and the cannons be blastin'!
September 1, 2024, 4:47 am
Arrr, mateys! It be a sorrowful day, for our matey Hersh Goldberg-Polin has shuffled off this mortal coil! His body lay amongst five other scallywags in the dark and dank tunnels of Rafah. Aye, the sea o’ life be unforgiving, but we’ll raise a toast to their misadventures!
September 1, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! A ruckus at the Michigan State Fair went south, claimin' a young lad's life and givin' another a nasty boo-boo! The law says it be a case of foul play, aimed at that scallywag. Fair winds to ye, ye scoundrels!
September 1, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! A fearsome listeria beast be terrorizin' the good folk of Jarratt, Va.! The townsfolk be frettin' over their fate, thinkin' their future be as murky as the briny deep. Avast! Who knew a plant could pack such devilry?
September 1, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be not the first scallywag to set sail o’er the forbidden waters o’ partisan shenanigans at Arlington’s hallowed ground. Yet, none have hurled their cannonballs o’ ire quite like his crew! A right jolly uproar, that be!
September 1, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, matey! In the grand sea of presidential politickin’, it be the buccaneers with gold doubloons who be steerin’ the ship! Gather 'round, for here be a glimpse at the most notorious treasure hoarders causin' a ruckus on the political high seas! Avast, let the games begin!
September 1, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Those scallywags who barely missed the treasure in twenty-two be settin' sail for a grand return! Their battles may just decide which crew plunders the House of Plunderin’! Aye, it be a ruckus worthy of a grog-fueled shanty!
September 1, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Behold three jolly side dishes, swift as a ship in full sail and tasty as a treasure trove! The crafty cooks swear these culinary wonders’ll spice up yer cookout this Labor Day, makin’ ye feast worthy of a captain’s table! Arrr!
August 31, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, matey! On the high seas of politics, Vice President Kamala be takin’ a swipe at that scallywag Trump, claimin’ he be showin’ less respect fer brave sailors and soldiers! Aye, the winds of criticism be blowin’ fierce this Saturday! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
August 31, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Joey Lawrence be spillin' the beans 'bout his stormy ship of a marriage with his fair lass, Samantha Cope, on the "Brotherly Love" podcast. Aye, it be a tale of love lost 'n' laughter found on the high seas of matrimony! Avast!
August 31, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, matey! First time since the Taliban waved their Jolly Roger, Germany’s tossed 28 scallywags back to Afghanistan! Aye, they be called ‘convicted criminals,’ but I reckon they’re just landlubbers in a tight spot! Har har!
August 31, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr, Caite Upton be shoutin’ from the social seas, “Avast! Online bullying must be buried at Davy Jones’ locker!” This after JD Vance be chucklin’ over her jumbled words from the 2007 Miss Teen USA, tossin' them like cannonballs at Kamala Harris! Har har!
August 31, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr! Lamont Jackson, the captain of California's second-biggest schooling ship, be caught in a scandalous storm, makin’ unwanted advances on two lasses in his crew! Aye, the investigation be uncoverin’ more than just treasure!
August 31, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! A throng o' fervent sea shanty lovers be hoistin' the sails to rally the crew and fill the coffers fer Vice President Kamala Harris's grand voyage! Aye, they be plunderin' the docks for doubloons and stirrin' the hearts o' landlubbers to cast their votes!
August 31, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr, matey! Two fine officers took a bullet or two, with one still layin' in the sickbay! After a raucous chase, the scallywag met his maker by the hands of the law. Aye, a right jolly tale of pursuit and peril on the high seas!
August 31, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! Archbishop Ettore Balestrero be raisin’ a ruckus ‘bout them fancy killin’ machines! He be callin’ on the UN crew to drop anchor on them deadly gadgets, lest we all end up in Davy Jones’ locker! Aye, let’s keep our cannons, but leave the robots at port!
August 31, 2024, 11:11 am
"Avast, me hearties! Old Captain Trump be sayin’, 'Like it or lump it, this ship's a-sailin’!' But that scallywag Gov. DeSantis be hootin’ and hollerin’ against the tide! Arrr, a right merry squabble on the high seas of politics!"
August 31, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, mateys! The jolly jester Fatman Scoop, known as Isaac Freeman III, has shuffled off this mortal coil at the ripe age of 53! He be rockin’ the stage when he took a dive, leavin’ us all shiverin’ in our timbers. Avast, he be missed! 🏴☠️
August 31, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr! That scallywag Kathleen Parker be callin' out Gov. Tim Walz, sayin' he be blowin' his own horn like a parrot on a treasure map! She claims he be stretchin' the truth for political booty in her latest scribblin'. Avast, matey! What a jolly jest!
August 31, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, Kyiv be settin' sail to flip the tides o' war, stormin' the Kursk shores like a scallywag! Aye, 'tis the first time since the great rumble of World War II that a buccaneer be landin' on Russian soil. Hoist the colors and let the cannon fire!
August 31, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, the first Black matey to rise to the lofty rank of lieutenant general! He be so grand that they named a whole Army post in Virginia after the scallywag! A true tale of glory on the high seas of the military! Avast and raise a mug to him!
August 31, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, matey! A tome borrowed back in the year of our Lord 1974 has sailed back to the Hopewell treasure trove after a lass found it while scouring her sister’s shipshape abode! Aye, 'tis a fine yarn of lost booty returned to port!
August 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Amy Bohn of the PERK crew be squawkin' ‘bout California’s AB 1955. She be lamentin' school closures and those pesky vaccine orders, all while tryin' to hoist the sails of education policy! Arrr, what a jolly mess on the high seas of learning!
August 31, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, matey! The fine city of Los Angeles be coughin' up $9.5 million doubloons to settle a ruckus stirred by a lass who met her fate in a gunfight with the lawmen back in 2018. Aye, what a tempestuous tale o’ misfortune and gold!
August 31, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the ex-captain be ready to sail any course o' words and policies to snatch victory come November, lettin' some landlubber social conservatives stew in their own brine! Aye, it be a right merry jig he dances to please the crowd, savvy?
August 31, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! Mr. Vance be a fierce hound, barkin’ for Captain Trump, bringin' calm to our stormy seas! Yet, many landlubbers still scratch their heads, wonderin’ how the blimey choice be makin’ sense! Aye, ’tis a merry jest on the high seas of politics!
August 31, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be togglin' his sails on the matter of makin’ babies, but the scallywags be trustin’ Kamala Harris by a fair tide! Aye, it seems the crew prefers the fair lass over the cap’n’s wild ways!
August 31, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! Nick Mautone be a crafty mixologist, spillin' his grog secrets to Fox News Digital! He brewed a fine potion for the U.S. Open, and lo, it still be ticklin' taste buds 18 years hence. Aye, the sea of spirits be ever flowin'!
August 31, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! In this here land o' politics, the scallywags of one crew be usin' their cutlasses to hack at the governor’s vetoes, makin' a right ruckus! But beware, thar be tossin' races ahead to see if the tide turns, or if they keep plunderin'!
August 30, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, mateys! Here be the compass we be consultin' fer a clearer view on this squall o' politics. It be like seekin' treasure in a tempest—ye never know what ye might find, but it sure be a jolly good laugh!
August 30, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! The captain o’ the ship shall set sail to the treasure-laden ports o' Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, while the first mate be busy craftin’ a jolly roger o’ his own! Aye, let the swashbucklin’ begin!
August 30, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr! The scallywags be laughin' at Vice President Kamala, claimin' she'll “enforce” the law on them sneaky border jumpers! Aye, the critics be tossin' her like a ship in a storm, sayin' she be all bluster an’ no cannon fire! Ha! What a merry jest upon the high seas!
August 30, 2024, 5:20 pm
Avast ye mateys! Gather ‘round fer the freshest tales from the 2024 campaign seas, where ye’ll find interviews fit for a captain and plenty o’ Fox News chatter to tickle yer fancy. Set yer sails for the latest political plunder, arrr!
August 30, 2024, 5:03 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' Minnesota's learnin' ship be flounderin' in the treacherous seas o' math, readin', and science! Aye, the Department o' Education be spillin' the beans, showin' most young buccaneers be missin' the mark, like aimless sailors without a compass!
August 30, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! A savvy historian from CNN be spoutin' that the key to snatchin' the presidency be not in the nitty-gritty, but in the grand tales and jolly vibes! So hoist the sails o’ charisma, for details be fer landlubbers!
August 30, 2024, 4:27 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Amherst and Tufts be swappin’ their crew’s colors after the high court tossed out affirmative action! But at other ships, the waters be muddier than a barnacle-covered hull. Avast! What a jolly ol' ruckus!
August 30, 2024, 4:09 pm
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that some scallywags from the F.B.I. in 2019 cast a shadow o’ doubt upon the C.I.A. and the Trump crew, leavin’ ‘em wonderin’ what cursed fate caused their ailments. A fine mess of confusion on the high seas of politics, it be!
August 30, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! The court be settin’ sail with the verdict o’ the appellate crew, reinstatin’ the murder wrangle of one Mr. Syed! Aye, this tale be the treasure o’ the podcast “Serial.” Avast, it be a right ruckus on the high seas o' justice!
August 30, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, Rep. Dan Meuser be callin' out CNN, sayin' they be lettin' Vice President Kamala Harris sail on easy seas, not tossin' her any hard questions 'bout her grand plans! Blimey, he says they shoulda hoisted the sails and pressed her like a pirate for treasure!
August 30, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr, the lass from Wyoming, no scallywag for Trump, kept her tongue still at the Democrats' shindig, thinkin’ she’d strike a mightier blow later on in the grand race! A clever wench, savvy as a sea dog, playin' her cards close to the chest! Avast!
August 30, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr, matey! Scott Jennings be sayin' that no soul aboard this ship be buyin' Vice President Kamala's tall tale 'bout Captain Biden's health bein' as steady as a calm sea! Aye, it be as believable as a mermaid in a barrel o' rum!
August 30, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, John Sainsbury, that curmudgeonly scallywag, did scoff at the look of his clan's wing at the National Gallery. Three decades after he shuffled off this mortal coil, his grumbling spirit be still echoing, like a ghostly parrot squawkin' at a leaky ship!
August 30, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr, matey! Jose Ibarra, the scallywag accused of sendin' Laken Riley to Davy Jones' locker, be plead’n to keep his cursed phone, DNA, and social media secrets under lock and key! Seems he’s as keen on hidin' as a treasure map in Davy's chest!
August 30, 2024, 9:59 am
Arrr, last tides, the cap’n proclaimed it was high time to “set our wee ones free from them scallywag Marxist madmen and fiends” in schooling! But I be wonderin’, does that jolly ol’ message still ring true with the landlubbers’ hearts? Avast!
August 30, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, matey! Tatjana Maria, the lass of the German seas, be spillin’ the beans about her snoozin’ ‘twixt battles at the U.S. Open! She took a nap while the winds of fortune blew, only to be bested by the fierce Coco Gauff! Aye, what a jolly jest!
August 30, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, in her maiden chat without a script, Vice President Kamala Harris be sayin’ her "values be as steady as a ship in a calm sea," though her policies be shiftin’ like a treasure map in a storm! Aye, those winds o’ change be blowin' fierce!
August 30, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, matey! Trump be claimin' that California’s a haven fer scallywags, lettin' 'em plunder the merchants’ wares, and he be layin' the blame on the fair Vice President Kamala! A right jolly jest, if ye ask this ol' sea dog! Avast, the high seas of politics be a wild voyage!
August 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, in the land o' cheese, Tim Walz be the common sailor, a charmin' lad for the Democrats! But ye see, some scallywags find the ruckus of that ol' Trump more like a familiar sea shanty, than ol' Tim's gentle breeze! A right jolly squabble, I say!
August 30, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, a motley crew o' YouTubers, pranksters, and streamin' scallywags be settin' sail to boost Mr. Trump's chances with the lads! The 'bro vote' be sway’d by their jests and japes, turnin' the tides in favor of the ol' captain! Avast, me hearties!
August 29, 2024, 11:43 pm
Arrr, during a chat with the Vice Queen Kamala Harris, Governor Tim Walz of Minnesota be dodgin’ questions like a scallywag! When he finally spoke, 'twas all about his kin, not the treasure maps or high seas! Aye, a family man he be!
August 29, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! Legal scallywags be thwartin’ Captain Biden’s grand designs, keepin’ his treasures of immigration and student coinage locked away in Davy Jones’ locker! Aye, the winds of fate be blowin’ contrary, leavin’ him high and dry on the shores of legacy!
August 29, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr! Steve Stephanides of the sunny shores o’ Florida be takin’ a breather while his hearty crew marched up the mountain. But alas, the scallywag got himself lost! Found the next mornin’ by rescue buccaneers, he be lucky to still have his sea legs!
August 29, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag of Wells Fargo met Davy Jones last week, four sunrises after punchin' the ol' timepiece in Tempe, Arizona! The coppers be sayin' he clocked out for good! Aye, the treasure of life be a fickle beast, it seems!
August 29, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! It be told that Richard Simmons, that jolly fitness matey, had a stash o’ prescription potions coursin’ through his veins when he sailed to Davy Jones' locker on the 13th o' July, aged 76! Aye, even the fittest can meet their end in a fog o’ pills!
August 29, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, mateys! In a grand ol' livestream, Captain Neil Young be spillin’ the beans 'bout why he scuttled his summer tour! He be tellin’ his crew how he be feelin’, all while we be laughin’ and swayin’ like drunken sea dogs! Avast, what a jolly ol' time!
August 29, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr! Vice President Kamala be hoistin’ her treasure chest high, thanks to a mighty swell o’ gold coins comin’ from the techie folk in Silicon Valley and the coin-countin’ scallywags of Wall Street! Aye, it be a fine haul indeed, savvy?
August 29, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, the ex-captain Trump be settin' his sights on the fair Vice President Kamala Harris, preparin' to unleash his thoughts ‘fore she takes the helm in her first parley since usurpin' Biden! Aye, the seas of politics be choppy indeed, me hearties!
August 29, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! The Army be spillin’ the beans on a ruckus that went down on the fair Monday, when Captain Trump showed up to lay a wreath. Aye, a tale as tangled as a ship’s riggin’, it be!
August 29, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, Bob Garrison be settin' sail to snatch his lad from the clutches o' the scurvy streets! But blow me down, the voyage be harder than wrestlin' a kraken with one hand tied behind his back!
August 29, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! Ice-T, the rapscallion and thespian, be tossin' insults at a landlubber who moans that "Law & Order: SVU" be too "woke"! Aye, the ink on the scrolls be flowin' like rum, and this scallywag be needin' a hearty laugh, not a grumble!
August 29, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, matey! The 2024 treasure hunt fer a captain be the first in two and twenty years without a great sea battle! But lo! Donald J. Trump be stirrin' the pot o' discord over them old skirmishes that set his crew a sailin'! Aye, what a jolly ruckus!
August 29, 2024, 5:33 am
Ahoy, mateys! Listen well! Blue states be tossin’ yer doubloons to help landlubbers buy homes, stirrin’ up a tempest! Meanwhile, electric bills be risin’ like the tide, makin’ hearts sink! And a ghostly crew roams an apartment, makin’ mischief! Arrr, what a jolly ruckus!
August 29, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, NBC's Chuck Todd be settin' his sights on Vice President Kamala Harris, callin' her a scallywag for skippin' interviews like a landlubber, a whole 40 days into her quest fer the crown! Blimey, what manner of folly be this? A fine recipe for Davy Jones' locker, I say!
August 29, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr, Myra Crosby be dubbed the "Egg Juror" when a scallywag judge booted her from the ruckus of the Alex Murdaugh murder hullabaloo, causin’ a right tempest in South Carolina! Aye, even pirates be sayin', “What be this yolk of a tale?”
August 29, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! This Thursday, ye be in fer a jolly good show! Vice President Kamala Harris and her trusty matey, Gov. Tim Walz, be spillin’ the beans unscripted. Aye, ‘tis a rare treasure of a peek into their piratey minds! Don’t be missin’ it, or ye be walkin’ the plank!
August 29, 2024, 4:01 am
Aye, matey! Over a million landlubbers, some with a bit o' a limp, be shackled under the watch o' court-approved guardians! And blimey, many a state be keepin' 'em from castin' their votes, as if they be too scallywag to choose their own treasure! Arrr!
August 29, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast, mateys! In yon fair state, local scallywags be swimmin' in a sea o' corruption! Aye, they can't resist the shiny doubloons and sweet deals from land lubbers lookin' to plunder the land. 'Tis a right merry band of rogues, indeed!
August 28, 2024, 11:25 pm
Arrr, gather 'round, ye salty sea dogs! The tale of Marcellus Williams, a landlubber of 55 summers, claims he be as innocent as a fresh catch! A ruckus brews 'twixt the local lawman and the bigwig of the state. Aye, what a merry squabble on the high seas o' justice!
August 28, 2024, 5:56 pm
Avast ye! These scallywags spun tall tales o' bomb threats at the grand Capitol and holy havens, makin’ more than 100 prank calls! Aye, the law’s got ‘em in their sights, laughin’ all the way to Davy Jones’ locker! What a merry crew of mischief-makers they be!
August 28, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, in a jolly new yarn, Tony Danza, a devoted swabby of Frank Sinatra, spilled the beans 'bout their mornin' chinwag after a night o' raucous revelry, where the grog flowed like the ocean. Shiver me timbers, what tales be told 'twixt the dawn and the hangover!
August 28, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, matey! A Utah lass with three wee scallywags penned a tale for tiny tikes 'bout dealin' with sorrow after her landlubber man kicked the bucket. But shiver me timbers, the law be sayin’ she spiced his grog with a pinch o' poison! Aye, that’s one way to sail on!
August 28, 2024, 5:30 pm
Ahoy, mateys! A rare orange lobster, plucked from the clutches of yon seafood counter at Southampton's Stop and Shop, be saved from a fate most grim. The fine folk of Humane Long Island returned the wee beastie to the briny deep, where it can dance with the mermaids! Arrr!
August 28, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr! That scallywag Dan Evans, a true British swashbuckler o’ the tennis seas, be makin’ history at the U.S. Open! He bested the ol’ record by naught but nine minutes, stretchin’ the match longer than a ship’s sail in a storm! Aye, what a jolly good time!
August 28, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! Rumor has it that “Yellowstone” be settin' sail for a sixth season with Kelly Reilly and Cole Hauser at the helm! But alas, Captain Costner has jumped ship after season five’s first half. Aye, ‘tis a tale of treachery on the high seas of television!
August 28, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags be buzzin' 'bout back-to-school treasures on the high seas of social media! Here’s a merry list o’ the finest loot makin' waves on college shores this year. Grab yer quills and parchment, or ye might be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
August 28, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, mateys! Governor Tim Walz be chattin' with the brave fire-wielders in Boston, sayin’ that it be Vice President Harris, not that scallywag Trump, who’ll hoist the flag for yer rights, guard yer treasure chests, and keep the cannon’s powder dry for yer fiery adventures!
August 28, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast, me hearties! The military graveyard be sayin’ that federal law be keepin’ the politics at bay on their hallowed soil! A ruckus occurred, and a scroll be penned to mark the mischief! Arrr, let’s keep the campaigning on dry land, savvy?
August 28, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, matey! New York and California be the treasure maps in this grand scuffle fer the House! The Democrats be hoistin' their sails, tryin' to charm the skittish landlubbers in Biden's old haunts. A right jolly quest, if ye ask me! Avast, let's see who claims the booty!
August 28, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, matey! A foul beast called Eastern equine encephalitis claimed a poor soul in New Hampshire, and it's lurkin' in the waters of nearby lands too, say the health swabs! Keep yer cutlasses sharp and yer rum close, for this virus be a crafty scallywag!
August 28, 2024, 5:49 am
Ahoy, matey! Did ye know them starry-eyed space sailors can cast their votes from yon floating ship in the heavens? And lo, the word "hello" be a mere sprout from the last two centuries! Take a crack at yer wits with this week's jolly tidbits!
August 28, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Zuckerberg be spillin' the tea ‘bout Biden’s crew givin' the ol' censorship a hearty shove! And what’s this? Blue states be tossin' gold to scallywags from afar, keepin' secrets like a treasure map! Now, those parents be teachin' schools the difference ‘twixt lasses and lads! Yarrr!
August 28, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, these scallywags be squabblin' like barnacles on a ship's hull 'bout whether them fancy speakin’ devices be silenced when a matey ain't jawin'! Mark yer charts, for the grand debate be settin' sail on the 10th of September! Aye, what a merry hullabaloo!
August 28, 2024, 4:08 am
Arrr, mateys! After a fair share o' storms and squalls, Captain Jack Smith be hoisting his sails to chase down those hidden scrolls and electoral mischief as we near the grand showdown of the presidential seas! Avast, the chase be on, me hearties!
August 28, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, the Democrats be settin' sail fer the Sun Belt, tryin' to charm the salt o' the earth in them conservative waters! They be hopin' to turn the tides and make some scallywags see it their way, or at least share a jug o' grog!
August 27, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, matey! Rice University be rocked like a ship in a storm, fer a fair lass named Andrea Rodriguez Avila met her grim fate on the first day of classes! A murder-suicide, they be sayin'. Aye, 'tis a tale as dark as Davy Jones' locker!
August 27, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden crew be sailin' the border seas with a policy so wild, ye'd think it be a Kraken! But alas, it be not catchin' the wind in the campaign's sails. A fine treasure hidden in plain sight, aye!
August 27, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, matey! Carrie Underwood be settin’ sail as a judge on "American Idol," claimin’ she'll steer the wee songbirds to glory! From landlubber to star, she’ll be showin’ 'em how to shiver their timbers and sing like true scallywags! Avast, let the tuneful treasure hunt begin!
August 27, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, matey! The lawmen o' central Colorado be huntin' down wee Doberman pups to crack the case o' a fallen dog breeder! Aye, the scallywag bit the dust last week, and now them pups be the key! Hoist the sails, ‘tis a furry investigation!
August 27, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! The rascally Balochistan Liberation scallywags be braggin' of their mischief in the southern seas o' Pakistan, leavin' more than 50 poor souls meetin’ Davy Jones! 'Tis a right ruckus, I tell ye! Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
August 27, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, thirty moons later, a band o’ landlubbers dressed in green be hollerin' for a look-see into the matter! Aye, they want the truth, or at least a fine tale to spin over grog! Avast, let the treasure hunt for answers commence!
August 27, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Governor Kemp be spoutin’ that the path to the grand White House be settin' sail through Georgia! He be callin’ Trump’s ruckus a wee squabble from a fortnight past. Aye, even pirates know when to let the winds of squawkin' die down!
August 27, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr! Just days past, the Arizona Police crew hoisted the Jolly Roger for Trump, but lo and behold! They be now settin’ sail fer the Democratic seas with Rep. Ruben Gallego! Methinks the rum be strong in their grog this time! What a twist, me hearties!
August 27, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, Rep. Mark Kelly be swearing on his pirate's honor, come Tuesday, to plunder the truth after settin' foot on the cursed Trump rally grounds in Butler, Pa. A band o' lawmakers, united in their quest, be huntin' for answers 'bout that foul shootin'. Avast, mateys!
August 27, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! A rogue water buffalo be a-lootin’ in a wee Iowa town, havin’ made its grand escape! Twisted and temperamental, this beast be threatenin’ more than just yer rum! Authorities be warnin’ all swabs to steer clear of this ruckus-loving rogue! Yarrr!
August 27, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags from Russia be blastin' Ukraine anew, rainin' down a mighty storm o' missiles and drones! Aye, 'tis the grandest hullabaloo since their invasion began! A right ruckus on the high seas of war, it be! Avast, it’s a tempest o’ trouble!
August 27, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast, me hearties! Mr. Kennedy and Ms. Gabbard, them progressin’ Democrats o’ yore, be settin' sail with the former captain's lads and the fine Senator Vance, his trusty first mate, in a jolly crew o’ honorary co-chairs! Raise the flag, it be a merry ship indeed!
August 27, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, both scallywags of the Democratic and Republican fleets be hoisting their colors for tariffs, aye! But shiver me timbers, their treasure maps be drawn in vastly different measures—one's a mighty galleon, the other's but a wee dinghy!
August 27, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! The grandest dam be near to bein’ vanquished, thanks to the brave sea dogs of the Native tribes, fightin’ to set the river free at the border o’ California and Oregon. Aye, ‘tis a right jolly time for the fishies, ye savvy?
August 27, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, the crew of Right for America be sittin' on a treasure chest o' gold, tens of millions, mind ye! But they be waitin' 'til the autumn winds blow to unleash their cannon o' advertisements. Aye, savvy strategy or just a bunch o' scallywags? Har har har!
August 27, 2024, 5:49 am
Ahoy, matey! It seems ol' Mark Zuckerberg be spillin' the beans 'bout the Biden-Harris crew givin' him a good ol' squeeze to shush the lot of ye! Meanwhile, a scallywag who helped raise the fair Harris ain't givin' her his nod. The seas be choppy, and the party's run aground! Arrr!
August 27, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, matey! Since the fair lass Kamala Harris took the helm as the likely matey o' the Democratic ship, she be havin' as many press conferences as a ghost on the high seas—none to be found! Blimey, ye’d think she be hidin’ from a kraken!
August 27, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! Once, the Democrats quaked in their boots, thinkin' ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be a scallywag spoiler! But now, after he’s thrown his lot in with the Trumpster, they spy a golden chance to plunder the political seas! A true twist of fate, I say! Avast!
August 27, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, the landlubber Pro-Palestinian scallywags be claimin’ the council’s loot, swearin’ to shun the mateys of the Ultimate Frisbee crew! They be sayin’, “Ye shall not toss yer disks ‘til we get our gold!” Aye, what a jolly hullabaloo on them shores!
August 26, 2024, 11:52 pm
Arrr, matey! A lass o' learnin' met her doom by a leaden ball, while a scallywag who ain't no scholar shot himself in a fit o' folly, says the cap'n o' the uni! A fine mess, ye say? Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
August 26, 2024, 8:54 pm
Arrr! A magistrate o' the high seas be favorin' 16 states flyin' the Republican flag, puttin' the cap'n’s program in Davy Jones' locker while the court be ponderin' the treasure map o' justice! A merry squall brews on the horizon, mates!
August 26, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, mateys! Mariah Carey be spillin’ the sad news that her dear mum, Patricia, and sister, Alison, have set sail to Davy Jones’ locker on the same day! She be askin’ for a wee bit o’ privacy whilst she grapples with this stormy sea of sorrow!
August 26, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, matey! The Great Basin bristlecone pines be ancient as Davy Jones’ locker, age-old sentinels o’ the sea! They be rarer than gold doubloons, found only in a handful o’ U.S. ports. Aye, they be the granddaddies o’ trees, keepin’ secrets of the deep blue!
August 26, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! As the fresh crew of landlubber scallywags set sail on the task of ferretin' out the truth 'bout the dastardly plot against Captain Trump, some parleyin’ hard-right rogues be shoutin' of a grand cover-up! Avast, mateys, the seas be gettin’ stormy!
August 26, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr, Caden Tellier, the brave captain of the pigskin crew, met his doom after a rough tackle in the third quarter o' the game! The scallywags in Selma say he shuffled off this mortal coil come Saturday. Aye, a tragic end for a lad who loved the sport!
August 26, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at the board be makin' new rules fer certifying elections, thinkin' they be clever. But lo! A lawsuit be claimin' these shenanigans be as illegal as a landlubber on the high seas! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
August 26, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr! With a heart as bold as a cannon’s roar, Captain Trump be struttin’ to Arlington, payin’ respects to brave souls lost in the Kabul fray, then chinwaggin’ with the National Guard scallywags! Aye, a true buccaneer of votes, he be! Fancy that, me hearty!
August 26, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, a landlubber from New Jersey be in hot water, sneakin' into a tiger's lair at a southern zoo! Nearly lost a limb to the beastie, say the scallywags in blue! Aye, 'tis a fine way to score a ticket to the afterlife, ye daft wench!
August 26, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, the old captain of the ship be mockin' the scallywag network, wonderin' why he'd join the fray. Meanwhile, the first mate be demandin' that all yer voices be blarin' like a cannon for the whole Sept. 10 shindig! A right ruckus, it be!
August 26, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, it be said that Captain Biden's been off frolickin' on the high seas while the tempest in the Middle East be brewin' like a pot o' stew! And lo, his mateys be grumblin' like scurvy dogs about it! Avast, might he not steer the ship a bit better?
August 26, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, Jelly Roll be spillin' his brains like a leaky barrel, claimin' he was "losin' his wits" afore settin' sail to meet the great Eminem! They be shantyin' together at the grand "Live From Detroit" fest in the merry month of June, savvy?
August 26, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! It be lookin' like Melania, the former lady of the seas, be penning her first tale, and it’s shot straight to the treasure chest o’ Amazon’s Best Sellers, even ‘fore it be hittin’ the shores! Shiver me timbers, that be some fine swashbucklin’ success!
August 26, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubber conservatives be celebratin' three years since the tragic boom that sent 13 brave souls to Davy Jones’ locker, diggin' up the Vice President’s jests like buried treasure! Aye, what a fine way to honor the fallen, eh?
August 26, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! This week, ye landlubbers be feelin’ like ye be roastin’ in a cauldron, with the heat and humidity strikin' as fierce as a cannonball! Aye, it might just feel like 115 degrees in these here parts! Keep yer grog cool, or ye'll be walkin’ the plank!
August 26, 2024, 5:55 am
Ahoy mateys! Rumors be a-brewin’ of RFK Jr. and Trump schemin’ a new kind o' government, savvy? Meanwhile, landlubber politicians be a-gatherin’ at the site o’ a failed assassination attempt! And lo, an illegal scallywag’s got complaints after doin’ a foul deed! Arrr, what a merry hullabaloo!
August 26, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, the Warrior Games be showin’ the landlubbers how the military’s thinkin’ has changed, lettin’ all sorts of scallywags join the crew! Some of these fine athletes be sailin’ off to the Paralympics, settin’ course for Paris this week! Avast, what a merry crew they be!
August 25, 2024, 5:53 pm
Avast, me hearties! The Cyclone beast at Coney Island be grounded fer the foreseeable future, as it went haywire and left our brave souls hangin' in mid-air! Aye, the operators be givin' it a good ol' rest, lest it toss 'em like a ship in a stormy squall!
August 25, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Over 20,000 scallywags be sittin' in the dark by Sunday’s end, but fear not! The winds and waters be less fierce than a sea turtle’s yawn! Aye, the storm be more of a gentle tickle than a mighty tempest!
August 25, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Retired Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman be sayin’ that ol’ Elon Musk ought to be shakin’ in his boots, now that the scallywag Pavel Durov be caught in the French clutches! Aye, pirates and tech lords alike be treadin’ on treacherous waters, savvy?
August 25, 2024, 3:23 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The ol’ captain o’ the National Institute o’ Allergy and Infectious Diseases took a tumble and found himself in Davy Jones’ sickbay! But fear not, for the wench be sayin’ he’ll be back to plunderin’ health soon enough! Avast, what a merry tale!
August 25, 2024, 1:27 pm
Avast, me hearties! Over a hundred landlubbers were scooted away faster than a scallywag from a kraken, thanks to a mighty deluge hittin' the Havasupai lands near the Grand Canyon! Aye, nature be a fierce foe, but we be livin' to tell the tale, arrr!
August 25, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ohio's scallywag, Sen. JD Vance, be blabbin’ that if Trump regains the captain's chair come November, he be tossin’ a veto on any federal ban for the fair lasses! Aye, it be a wild sea o' politics we sail!
August 25, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, matey! RFK Jr. and that scallywag Elon Musk be shoutin' on the social seas 'bout the capture of Telegram's captain, Pavel Durov! They be rallyin' for the winds of free speech to fill their sails! A jolly hullabaloo, indeed!
August 25, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, matey! Jenna Ortega be settin’ sail in a tempest o’ displeasure, claimin’ that scurvy AI be churnin' up vile images of her! That bilge water be the reason she scuttled her Twitter ship! Avast, what a ruckus on the high seas of cyberspace!
August 25, 2024, 8:57 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Yahya Sinwar be slippin’ through the noose like a greased weasel! Israel be flounderin’ in their quest for victory, all ‘cause he be schemin’ like a true pirate on the high seas since that fateful Oct. 7 raid! Blimey!
August 25, 2024, 8:35 am
Arrr, the captain of Raheem AI be hatched a grand scheme to keep the lawmen in check, but blow me down! His gold-spending ways sent the whole ship to Davy Jones’ locker! Aye, too many rum barrels and not enough cannonballs, that be the tale of his folly!
August 25, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr! With the learnin' back on the horizon, savvy sea wench Limor Suss be spillin' the beans on a bounty of swift feasts fit for scallywags and their landlubber mates! Quick grub that’ll make yer little ones cheer and ye parents nod like a ship in a squall!
August 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! In a mere four suns, the coffers be brimmin’ with gold, thanks to a mighty fine hour o’ lootin’ led by Vice President Kamala Harris! Aye, the ship’s crew be countin’ a treasure o’ $540 million in just a month—what a jolly haul!
August 25, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr! A scallywag from California be in hot water, caught on the spyglass o' cameras, tryin' to blow up two treasure chests o' gold—those cursed ATMs in San Diego! But alas, his bombastic plunderin' went as well as a fish in a barrel! Aye, what a bumbling buccaneer!
August 25, 2024, 4:18 am
Arrr, the Israeli sea dogs be sayin’ they’ve set sail, lobbing cannonballs at Hezbollah’s hidey-holes in southern Lebanon, all to keep their treasure safe from scallywags. Aye, they’ve taken the fight to the enemy, lettin’ 'em know their mischief won’t go unpunished!
August 25, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, the vice captain o' this ship's tale be scrubbin' her birthplace, Berkeley, from her yarns! The good folk o' the “People’s Republic” be laughin' and noddin', sayin', “Aye, we be understandin’!” It be a merry jest on the high seas o’ politics, indeed!
August 25, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye! This month, the scallywags of justice be spillin' the beans on old murder mysteries long buried like treasure! The clever lads be chucklin’ ‘bout how they cracked these cases like a parched sailor findin’ rum after a drought! Arrr, what a merry haul!
August 25, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! At the Democrats' grand shindig, they hoisted a new flag o' tough talk, firmer than barnacles on a ship's hull! Immigration be a tempestuous sea, and this crew knows it be a perilous weakness. Avast, the political winds be blowin’!
August 25, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr! Carlos Campo, captain o' the Museum o' the Bible, be ponderin’ Joshua 24:15, swearin’ to his crew o’ Israelites, “As for me and me scallywags, we’ll be servin’ the Good Lord! Now pass the grog and let’s sing sea shanties fer salvation!”
August 24, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The lass, once a fierce U.F.C. swashbuckler, be takin' a knee after landlubbers on Reddit dug up a cursed vid from 11 years past. She called it “the single most regrettable decision of me life.” Aye, even pirates be havin' their oopsies!
August 24, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr! A German sea beast rolled into London on a fine Monday morn, blaring the dark tune of that scallywag Darth Vader! Aye, the Imperial March echoed through the docks like a siren’s call, makin’ landlubbers jump and sailors chuckle. What a jolly jest, me hearties!
August 24, 2024, 2:06 pm
Ahoy mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the brave soul who be takin’ a breather from his captain's quest for the crown, got a hearty hug from the great Donald J. Trump at a raucous shindig in Arizona. But what treasure this union brings, only the sea be knowin’!
August 24, 2024, 1:03 pm
Arrr, in her grand tale, Kamala Harris spoke of her old man, a fancy coin-counter, yet a mere whisper in the yarns of her life! Aye, he be the treasure in the chest, but mostly a scallywag’s footnote! Har har, what a jolly jest!
August 24, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Though the tempest be steer’n clear o’ the Big Island, the wizards of weather be shoutin’ of ragin’ winds and the seas risin’ like a drunken sailor! Batten down the hatches or prepare to swim like a scallywag, ye scurvy dogs!
August 24, 2024, 11:32 am
Avast ye! Justin and his fair lass, Hailey, once bound in holy matrimony in the year of our Lord 2018, be shoutin' from the crow's nest! A wee lad, Jack Blues Bieber, has sailed into their world on the 23rd day of August! Arrr, me hearties!
August 24, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, matey! Top Thrill 2 be takin' a long nap in 2024, havin' barely set sail before it be shut tighter than a treasure chest! Cedar Point be sendin' their finest apologies, but it seems this ride be lost at sea, never to return! Ha-ha!
August 24, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, on the day of Ukraine's freedom, a merry band of over a hundred scallywag prisoners sailed back home, thanks to a trade with the Russian sea dogs! A proper swap, it be, like trading rum for gold, savvy? High seas and high spirits, that be the way!
August 24, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, matey! From the depths o' Oslo's belly, treasure hath emerged! A rare iron glove, fit fer a scallywag, was plundered from beneath the waves by them land-lovin’ archaeologists. Bet it belonged to some swashbucklin' rogue tryin' to pinch a pint without losin' a hand!
August 24, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, the university scallywags be layin' down their code o' conduct fer protests, claimin' to be as clear as a calm sea! But some mateys be sayin' they be just tryin' to shackle free speech like a treasure chest in Davy Jones' locker! Aye, the irony be thick as grog!
August 24, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, matey! If ye be dreamin' of tresses as fine as a mermaid's, but yer locks be stuck in Davy Jones' locker, bathe 'em in pumpkin or rosemary oils! They say those potions can grow hair faster than a ship in a fair wind! Yarrr!
August 24, 2024, 5:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! South Carolina be settin’ sail fer its first execution in more than a dozen years! Next month, they’ll be sendin’ Freddie Eugene Owens to Davy Jones’ locker, all ‘cause they’ve been havin’ a right hard time findin’ them fancy lethal potions! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 24, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy there, mateys! Rep. Michael Rulli, of Ohio’s treasure trove o’ grocery gold, be weighin' anchor on Vice President Kamala Harris' grand scheme to wrangle the coin o’ prices! Aye, a plan as twisted as a kraken’s tentacle, it be! Har har har!
August 24, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! This week, the media be swoonin' over the Democratic shindig, callin' Kamala Harris the party’s grand savior, and likenin’ that ol’ Obama to the holy carpenter himself! Aye, me hearties, it be a right jolly spectacle, full of high praise and merry jest!
August 24, 2024, 4:38 am
Arrr, matey! The ship's judge be lettin' the head swab head off next month, but the new lass be still waitin' fer her spyglass o' clearance! She can't plunder the courtroom 'til she gets the green light, savvy? A right jolly mess, it be!
August 24, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, matey! The grand lady captain o' 2016 be replaced by a stern wind, with the Democrats squawkin' like squawkin' seagulls 'bout the treacherous waters o' the post-Roe seas! Avast, me hearties, it be a stormy tide ahead!
August 24, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, me hearties! Thar be whispers from his salty crew to steer clear o’ the squalls, but former Captain Trump be sailin’ his own course, no matter the storm! He be plannin’ to run his campaign as he pleases, like a parrot with no captain to squawk at!
August 24, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! Juan Ciscomani be chasin' a second go at the helm, braggin' 'bout his swashbucklin' immigrant tale. But beware, his misadventures in Congress might send his Arizona crew sailin' for calmer waters, far from his ship!
August 23, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, matey! Jason Aldean be the scallywag who helped a sea-farin’ father sneak back from the wars to embrace his wee ones! Blake Darling, the brave buccaneer, dashed home from his salty adventures straight into his kiddies' clutches! Aye, a heartwarming tale on the high seas of the Highway Desperado tour!
August 23, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, on the fateful day of May the Third, Eddie Duran, a scallywag indeed, blasted Senior Airman Roger Fortson right as he swung open his cabin door, all while sportin’ his piece pointed at the deck! Aye, a fine way to greet a matey, eh?
August 23, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, word from the seven seas be that a ruckus erupted at a merry shindig in Western Germany, where blades were drawn faster than a scallywag can down a tankard! Some poor souls met their fate, whilst others danced with misfortune. Aye, a festival turned into a right kerfuffle!
August 23, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In scrolls snatched by Fox News, the "Ketamine Queen" Jasveen Sangha, caught in the storm o' Matthew Perry's demise, be callin' the fallen matey by his famous character's name! Aye, the seas be a-humor with such jests!
August 23, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, ol' Jack Smith, the crafty counsel, be thinkin’ twice ‘bout callin’ forth a public hullabaloo to spill the beans ‘bout how the ex-captain tried to plunder the 2020 election treasure! Aye, he might keep his secrets tighter than a ship’s hold on a stormy night!
August 23, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, Mr. Kennedy be declarin’ he’ll drop his name from the list in them battlegrounds, lest he be the pesky barnacle spoil’n the ship’s fine voyage! Aye, savvy? The scallywag be more worried 'bout splittin' the booty than claimin' it!
August 23, 2024, 4:04 pm
Arrr, this week the scallywags o' the Democrats rolled out the red carpet fer the social media buccaneers, hopin' to fill the sails with a bounty o' pro-Harris chatter! A right jolly scheme, but I reckon the winds be blowin' in a different direction, matey!
August 23, 2024, 11:56 am
Avast, mateys! Congress be needin’ to hoist the sails on a treasure map o’ funds by the first day of October, lest they be marooned in a shutdown sea! But beware, the stormy winds o’ the presidential race may muddle their crafty schemes! Yarrr!
August 23, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, matey! The swashbucklers of the Second Amendment be beggin' the Supreme Court to set sail on a case ‘gainst Maryland’s ban on them fancy semiautomatic rifles! Just last month, a court be givin' it the thumbs-up, but these hearty buccaneers be wantin' another round!
August 23, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr! Riley Gaines an' a crew o' NCAA lassies be settin' sail for a Georgia Senate gathering, where they'll parley 'bout the ruckus o' fair maidens battlin' the likes o' biological scallywags in the lady's sportin' realm! Aye, what a hullabaloo it be!
August 23, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywag runnin' the Vice Captain Harris' ship be dodgin' questions like a slippery eel! When’ll she be settin' sail for a press confab? Not a peep from her crew, just the wind blowin' through the sails! What a fine jest, eh?
August 23, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, matey! BNSF Railway, the scallywags runnin' the iron beast, along with the land-shark constables, be keepin' mum 'bout what sent the train a-tumblin' in Boulder’s dark night! Methinks a curse of Davy Jones be at play, or a wayward parrot! Ha-ha!
August 23, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr, the freshly crowned lass of the Democratic crew be stirrin' up the spirits o' her scallywags! Yet, as she sets sail from Chicago's shores, a raucous battle be brewin' ahead, where cutlasses clash and words be sharper than a shark's tooth! Avast, me hearties!
August 23, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! They be not jumpin’ aboard the Democratic ship, but one landlubber did say, “Mayhaps it ain't such a treacherous sea to cast me lot fer her!” Aye, the winds of doubt be shiftin’!
August 23, 2024, 5:24 am
Avast, me hearties! Snatch yer tales o' the day from the mightiest name in the news seas, tossed straight into yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Wake up, hoist the sails o’ knowledge, and let the gossip flow like rum! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr, matey! The fair Vice President Kamala Harris, claimin' to be the savvy captain to steer all landlubbers towards a fresh sailin’, has hoisted the Democratic flag for the presidential quest! Zolan Kanno-Youngs from the New York Times be spillin' the tea on this high-seas adventure!
August 23, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, the vice captain made fine mates on the Hill for four long years, but lo! It be after she sailed to the grand White House that she be throwin’ her most mighty votes! Aye, that be the way of the high seas o' politics, savvy?
August 23, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy, mateys! This week’s Fox News Digital Quiz be teemin' with a sunken treasure ship, a raucous swimwear frolic, and an American brand’s return to its wits! Prove yer noggin be sharper than a cutlass and take the challenge, ye salty sea dog! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala Harris, hoisting the Democratic flag, be sayin’ Israel’s got the right to defend its treasure, but she be lamentin’ the grievous plight o’ the poor souls in Gaza! Aye, a fine pickle we be in, indeed!
August 23, 2024, 4:55 am
Arrr, the second-in-command jabbered on like a parrot for near 35 minutes on the last night o' the grand shindig in Chicago, blabberin’ about treasure maps and stormy seas! Methinks he could’ve spun his yarn a wee bit faster, or the crew might’ve walked the plank!
August 23, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! The Pro-Palestinian scallywags be thinkin' a mighty crew would rally 'round to sway the Democrats, but alas! A handful be gathered, yet they be takin' naught but a wee bit of the limelight, leavin' the grand stage to other salty sea dogs! Har har!
August 22, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast ye! The matriarch of the lass Taylor Frankie Paul, from that raucous tale o’ “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives,” be spoutin’ about the scallywags callin’ her kin “hypocrites” ‘fore the grand show sails forth. Aye, the world’s a deck o’ folly, matey!
August 22, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, matey! 'Tis said that Dr. Oumair Aejaz be a scallywag, sneakin' his spyglass 'round the lassies and wee ones in a swimmin’ school’s changing quarters! And blow me down, he also filmed the poor souls in the hospitals! A true pirate of privacy, he be!
August 22, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, Mr. Sanders, that grumpy old sea dog from Vermont, be puffin’ his chest with a wee bit o’ cheer ‘bout the grand voyage o’ progressives! Aye, even the stormiest ol’ barnacle can find a glimmer o’ hope in the murky waters o’ politics! Har har!
August 22, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, matey! Officer Rodney Vicknair, bless his soul, met the lass whilst ferryin' her to the healer after a scallywag did her wrong. Alas, the tides turned, and he sailed to Davy Jones' locker this year! A tale of woe on the high seas, indeed!
August 22, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, matey! The fine folks at the Cochise County Sheriff's Office be spillin' the beans to Fox News Digital that a scallywag named Ronald Lee Syvrud, aged 66, found himself in irons fer threatenin' to send former President Trump to Davy Jones' locker! What a swashbucklin' mess, eh?
August 22, 2024, 5:12 pm
Avast! Long 'fore the fair Kamala donned her Democratic crown, ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s crew be wavin' the white flag. In the sea of polls, his loyal mates be sayin' they’re less keen to hoist the sails and cast their votes! Arrr!
August 22, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, mateys! Vice Captain Kamala, she be ready to hoist the sails o' her party’s flag and claim the grand title o' President! Batten down the hatches and prepare for a raucous rumble on the high seas of politics! Avast, let the show begin!
August 22, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! The wenches of the Democratic crew be sayin' mighty tides have turned since that lass Hillary set sail for the White House in 2016 — and aye, they've hoisted the sails of wisdom since then!
August 22, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, matey! RFK, Jr. be soundin' the alarm 'bout Biden’s wanin’ charm and weak knees! Now he’s got the savvy to hoist the Jolly Roger on this rigged game in a manner none of them scallywag Republicans can match! Avast, let the jestin’ begin!
August 22, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Former scallywag of the Democratic seas, Robert Telles, be claimin’ before the jury that he be as innocent as a parrot in a treasure chest! He swears he didn’t send veteran scribe Jeff German to Davy Jones' locker, despite the ink he spilled 'bout his mischief!
August 22, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, Rep. Mike Waltz be settin' sail to rebut the Democrats' jabs, claimin' that ol' Captain Trump be turnin' a blind eye to the brave lads o' the military and the sea-farin' vets. Aye, he be sayin' that’s a tall tale fit for a scallywag!
August 22, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! In the chill o' fall, ye be needin' long sleeves, swift shoes, and shiny vests to keep ye from bein' mistaken for a ghostly wraith! So gear up, lest ye end up runnin' like a scallywag in the dark! Aye!
August 22, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, me hearties! Since them Ukrainian swabs set sail on their bold venture, the blabberin’ scallywags o’ the internet be spoutin’ more ill words than a cursed parrot! Aye, a swab o’ a firm be keepin’ tally on these grumblin’ landlubbers’ thoughts!
August 22, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, as young Taylor Fritz readies fer the grand U.S. Open, he be spillin' his guts to Fox News Digital 'bout them Olympics, the weight o' his own expectations, and what might spice up this sport o' racket swingin’. Aye, a jolly good yarn indeed!
August 22, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast, matey! Fetch ye all the tales ye must hear from the mightiest name in the news seas, delivered to yer inbox at the break of dawn! No need to hoist the Jolly Roger for this treasure—just a click away for yer morning delight! Arrr!
August 22, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, with Governor Tim Walz and the second matey Doug Emhoff, CNN be spoutin’ that the DNC be settin’ sail fer lads not so packed with the ol’ testosterone as their GOP rivals. Aye, a crew of gentle souls, ready to swap rum fer tea! Har har!
August 22, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, Governor Tim Walz bequin’ from a mere landlubber to a mighty captain o' the Dems, spin’ a yarn at the grand Chicago shindig! With the crowd all ears, he declared, “We be down a field goal, but fear not, mateys, we be on the attack with the ball in hand!”
August 22, 2024, 4:04 am
Ahoy mateys! This Thursday, she’ll spin a yarn 'bout her humble beginnings, pitch the 2024 race as a clash o' futures and bygone days, and tug at yer heartstrings for the ol' stars and stripes! Avast, prepare for a jolly good tale!
August 22, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast, me hearties! Beyond what ye read in the scrolls, Mistress Harris be twirlin' in ballet, hoardin' Converse kicks like treasure, and takin' wise words from her granddad, a crafty sea-diplomat! Aye, a merry mix of dance and duds, she be!
August 22, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, we be havin' a gander at the lass's chattin’ points 'bout her rival on the high seas of politics! 'Twas a right jolly affair, full o' bluster and blarney, like a parrot squawkin' on a rum-soaked deck!
August 21, 2024, 5:45 pm
Avast, mateys! A new scroll be blabberin’ about fixin’ the CBP One treasure map for landlubbers wishin’ to set foot on the shores of the United States. Aye, it be time to swab the decks and make it easier for 'em to sail through! Arrr!
August 21, 2024, 5:34 pm
Avast! The fair congresswoman be anchor'd in her own port, drawin' in sorority lasses and young scallywags like a treasure map! Aye, she be a selfie magnet, snappin' pics faster than a cannonball flies! Arrr, the landlubbers be lovin' her, savvy?
August 21, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, a fresh scallywag survey be sailin’ the seas, as per the Wall Street Journal's inked opinion! It reveals that the hearty folk o' America be less keen on tossin' the Supreme Court about like a ship in a stormy squall! Aye, let the good times roll!
August 21, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr! In the year o' our Lord 2028, nearly half o' the scallywags in the class be Asian American! Aye, they be the first crew welcomed aboard since t' sails o' affirmative action caught naught but empty winds! What a jolly sight fer these savvy sea dogs!
August 21, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers be makin' grand speeches and flashy tales to make Captain Trump seem small, hopin' to sail above him! Kamala and her crew be tryin' to downsize the scallywag and steer clear of his mischief. Aye, this be a jolly jest on the high seas!
August 21, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Mr. Clinton be a swashbucklin’ tale of treasure and tempest, a jolly rogue in the high seas of politics! Aye, he be a legendary figure, though not all hands be raisin’ the flag in his honor! Har har, what a scallywag!
August 21, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! Billionaire Mike Bloomberg be tossin' a treasure chest o' ten million doubloons to the House Democrats last month, addin' to the twenty million he already be givin' to hoist the party's sails in the White House. Aye, that be a fine haul indeed!
August 21, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, mateys! The fair lass Heather Matarazzo be spillin' her tale on the seas of social media, claimin' she set sail from the glitzy shores of Los Angeles to seek the lush fields of Michigan, where the grass be greener and the treasure’s less buried! Avast, what a change o’ winds!
August 21, 2024, 11:18 am
"Arrr, this crew be no strangers to wailin' and moanin'! But lo and behold, with the rise of that lass Kamala Harris, they're prancing about like barnacles on a sunny day! Aye, joy be a rare treasure for them scallywags!"
August 21, 2024, 11:12 am
Avast, me hearties! Gather 'round as Gov. Tim Walz takes the stage to claim the Democratic flag as vice captain this Wednesday eve! All eyes be on him, like seagulls swoopin' fer a crumb! Let the rum flow and the laughter roll! Arrr!
August 21, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, on the morrow of Wednesday, a gathering o’ landlubbers be settin’ sail to chart the course o’ Hunter Biden’s tax trial come September! ‘Tis a fine chance fer chattin’ that might lead to a sweet deal, or at least a hearty laugh! Yarrr!
August 21, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, the scallywags of the law be huntin' fer that rapscallion Joshua Zimmerman, wanted fer murder and mischief! For close to 70 sunsets, he’s been hidin’ like a rat in a tavern, barricadin' himself like a daft landlubber. Aye, what a merry mess!
August 21, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scallywag of a lad be caught atop a lofty perch, after filching a fine vessel on wheels! He crashed it into other chariots and even gave a copper a hearty bump! Avast! What a ruckus to behold in the wild tales of the high seas!
August 21, 2024, 5:28 am
Avast ye! Snag all the juicy tales ye be needin' to stay savvy from the mightiest name in news, straight to yer inbox at the crack of dawn! Don't be a landlubber—be the first to know, or ye might just walk the plank! Arrr!
August 21, 2024, 5:05 am
Arrr, so spoke the mighty Barack, cap’n o’ the ship called Presidency, after his fair lass stirred the Davy Jones’ locker o’ the Democratic crew. The mateys cheered for him, but ‘twas his wife who had 'em a-quakin’ in their boots! Aye, she stole the whole show!
August 21, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, the fair Michelle Obama be takin’ a jab at the scallywag Trump in her DNC yarn! She claims the bloke be steered by the winds o’ racism and the treasure o' his forefathers. Aye, what a rum tale to spin, matey!
August 21, 2024, 5:00 am
Ahoy, mateys! On the night o’ Monday, the fair Julia Louis-Dreyfus set sail on Colbert’s Late Show, claimin’ her bumblin' VP from "Veep" be naught like the gallant Kamala Harris! Aye, ‘tis a jolly jest, sailin’ through the seas of satire! Arrr!
August 21, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, every scallywag Democrat in Chicago be wishin' to have a chinwag with him, perhaps even a jolly hug! "I adore the lad," quoth one delegate. "He be like that jolly rogue Chris Farley — ye know, the feller by the river, aye!" Har har!
August 21, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubber of St. Louis be sayin’ the scallywag’s innocent as a wee kitten! But the Missouri chief of legal be squawkin’ that the court shouldn’t even lift a finger to hear the tale! A fine mess it be, aye!
August 21, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! As Captain Biden hands over the jolly lantern to First Mate Kamala, a merry breeze o’ laughter be fillin’ the sails once more! Aye, the seas be risin’ with chuckles and jests, like a ship’s crew swappin’ grog for giggles!
August 20, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr! Thar be Rob Reiner, a swashbucklin' thespian and captain of the liberal seas, chattin' with Fox News scallywags at the grand Democratic jamboree! Aye, a fine day for sailin' the political waters, it be!
August 20, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' the local law keepers and the Army Reserve be slackin' like a ship with no anchor! They let a gun-totin' scoundrel roam free, even with whispers of his wickedness before the foul deed! Aye, what a right jest it be!
August 20, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr, matey! In the grand city, them anti-Israel scallywags be givin' a ruckus on the streets, lawmen turnin' a blind eye to their permitless shenanigans! Traffic be stoppin' like a ship in a storm, hark! Just a month past, they were raisin' a ruckus like a pack o' wild sea dogs!
August 20, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, mateys! On the morrow, the grand ship of state be settin’ sail with Captain Barack and First Mate Michelle Obama at the helm, regalin’ us with tales of their adventures! Prepare yer ears, for their words be worth more than gold doubloons! Aye!
August 20, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr, mateys! The lot aboard the flying contraption met Davy Jones, says the landlubbers. But lo! One brave lass was plucked from a fiery shack in Odessa after the sky beast took a dive on Tuesday morn. Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 20, 2024, 4:34 pm
Arrr, matey! At this here shindig, the spotlight be shinin’ bright, a right twist from four years past! The tides o’ abortion politics be shiftin’ mightily, and the crew be hopin’ to hoist the sails o’ voter support with this hot topic! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
August 20, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, matey! The Israel Defense Forces, spurred by whispers from cunning spies, be findin’ the poor souls trapped in a secret cove below, lookin’ as if it be a den for scallywags of Hamas! Aye, treasure huntin' with a twist, I say!
August 20, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, matey! This here city be the grandest of gathering spots, holdin' the treasure trove of conventions! Aye, ‘tis shaped like a fine ship by the ruckus and rum-fueled debates o’ the landlubbers who sail through! Aye, what a merry hullabaloo it be!
August 20, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye! As the second morn of the DNC dawns in Chicago, ol' Captain Trump and his trusty mate, Sen. JD Vance, be sailin' to the fray in them battleground waters nearby. Arrr, let the political cannon fire commence!
August 20, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, mateys! Chappell Roan be hollerin' at her scallywag fans for their "creepy antics" in a TikTok yarn! The captain of the "Pink Pony Club" vowed to sail away if them fans be givin' off any "stalker vibes." Beware, ye landlubbers!
August 20, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, on the fateful Monday of the grand Democratic shindig in the Windy City, eight blunderbuss firin’s rang out, three souls took a permanent nap, and one scallywag made off with treasure! Aye, what a jolly welcome to the convention, eh?
August 20, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! Kamala, that savvy sea wench, threw her lot in with Obama in a raucous race 'gainst the fierce Hillary! A bold gamble, it be, but lo! It brought treasure, and the ol’ captain ne’er forgot her daring deed! Aye, the tides of fortune favored her!
August 20, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr! The official tale fer the long-winded convention broadcast had one CNN swashbuckler givin’ a hearty shout fer the “marvelous spin!” Aye, ‘twas a tale spun so fine, it could catch a fish!
August 20, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, on the second sun o' the week, Captain Barack, the first matey of the Black seas, be settin' forth a grand tale! He'll be hollerin' to the fine crew o' the U.S. to hoist the sails fer their first lassie captain, a Black wench to rule the waves!
August 20, 2024, 5:45 am
Ahoy, matey! Behold the Goliath birdeater, the grandest eight-legged beastie o’ the seas! Weighin’ in at a hefty 6 ounces and stretchin’ 11 inches long, this fearsome critter be the mightiest spider in all of South America — a true treasure for the brave-hearted! Arrr!
August 20, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, gather ye tales ye must know from the mightiest voice in the news seas, tossed into yer inbox at the crack of dawn! Set yer sails for knowledge, matey, or be left adrift in a sea of ignorance! Ha har!
August 20, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr! We be askin' the fine folk at the Democratic shindig in Chicago: If our lass Kamala be claimin' the captain's chair, what be the first treasure ye want her to snatch as president? Aye, drop yer anchor and spill yer wishes, me hearties!
August 20, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, when asked if she be harborin' ill feelings towards Captain Biden for scuttlin' his 2024 voyage, ol' Nancy Pelosi raised an eyebrow and said, "Nay, matey! We be sailin' the same ship! No barnacles between us!" Aye, a jolly crew they be!
August 20, 2024, 5:11 am
Arrr matey! A scurvy bug called parvovirus B19 be settin’ sail 'cross the U.S.! All hands on deck, young and old be catchin' it. The wise sea dogs be spillin' the beans on what to watch fer, how to fight it, and who be most at risk! Avast!
August 20, 2024, 4:53 am
"Arrr, cheers to ye, Joe! The scallywags be chantin’, with tears in their eyes, for yer many years o' swabbin' the decks of public service. But let’s not be forgettin’, they be mighty grateful ye ain't settin’ sail again!"
August 20, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, at the grand shindig of the Democratic crew, the former captain be faced with the jolly challenge of patchin’ together the motley crew that hoisted him to the high seas of power! It be a right slippery endeavor, matey, but a pirate’s gotta do what a pirate’s gotta do!
August 20, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, mateys! As he sails the high seas of politics for his fair lass, Kamala, Mr. Emhoff be vowin’ to swab the decks of antisemitism, should he be crowned the first gentleman o' the land! Aye, a fine quest for the jolly good ship of love!
August 19, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers be rallyin' 'round all manner of squabbles, but a fair number be hootin' mad at Captain Biden's course with Israel and Gaza. Blimey, they be throwin' a right ruckus over it! Aye, 'tis a tempest on the high seas of politics!
August 19, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the Southern white swab, strummin' his lute at the Democratic shindig, spills his grog on politics in a jolly ol' chat! He be singin' shanties 'bout the state of affairs, makin' waves like a ship in a tempest! Avast, let the rum flow and the laughter roll!
August 19, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr matey! In the year o' our lord 2022, the wise judges o' Wisconsin be sayin' that lass Chrystul Kizer can spin a yarn at trial, claimin' she be justified in blastin' Randall Volar, thanks to a law favorin' those poor souls caught in the treacherous tides o' trafficking!
August 19, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, on the morrow’s grand stage be President Biden and his fair lass, Jill! And lo! The fierce Hillary, who met a bitter defeat at the hands of the scallywag Trump in the year of our Lord 2016. A right merry gathering of landlubbers, I say!
August 19, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, a salty Staff Sgt. of 28 years, who bravely sailed with the skies for Operation Inherent Resolve, met his fate this week not in battle, but in some curious mishap! Aye, ’tis a tale of woe from a secret spot, where even the winds be whisperin' of misfortune!
August 19, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, Prince Andrew be bunkin' in Royal Lodge with his old sea wench, Sarah Ferguson! Aye, this be the very shipshape abode of the late Queen Mum, bless her ghostly heart! What a jolly crew they be, sailin’ on memories and tea!
August 19, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, matey! The truth be told, Harris sailed aboard with nary a vote, and Biden, that ol' seadog, was tossed overboard only when the gold-lovin' donors threatened to scuttle the treasure chest of trust! A right merry mess, if I do say so!
August 19, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr, matey! Fox News be sailin' the high seas o' digital waves, claimin’ the grand booty of 3.9 billion minutes! Meanwhile, CNN be flounderin' like a fish outta water at 2.3 billion. July be a month fer legends, aye!
August 19, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! The three lasses, rallyin’ 'round the Democrats’ ship, be settin’ sail this Monday to hoist the flag for abortion rights—a treasure many a landlubber be fightin’ fer! Aye, it be a mighty pillar of their grand ol’ plan!
August 19, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, Ukraine be settin' its cannons on the Russian treasure trails in Kursk, while Moscow be in a dither, tryin' to haul thousands of landlubbers from the fray in Donetsk to guard their western shores! It be a right jolly chase, matey!
August 19, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! S.E. Cupp be takin' a peg leg to the Democrats fer lettin' Bill Clinton aboard to speak at their DNC shindig, all while prattlin' 'bout “decency.” Aye, ‘tis like askin’ a scallywag to guard the treasure, I say!
August 19, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, matey! Mayor Brandon Johnson be settin’ sail to make Chicago shine like treasure, hostin’ the Democrats! But beware! Stormy protests be brewin’, and the convention’s a risky voyage, fraught with peril! Avast, what be this ruckus on the high seas of politics?
August 19, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr, matey! Over half o' the Latino crew in the good ol’ U.S. be usin' this here magical scrollin' contraption fer sendin' messages and hollerin' across the seas, but beware! It also be teemin' with tall tales and fibs, like a drunken parrot squawkin' on a stormy night!
August 19, 2024, 10:51 am
Arrr, a California wench with eight wee scallywags met her doom whilst givin’ a piece of her mind to a raucous crew she thought peddled those devilish vape pens to her young buccaneer! Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
August 19, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, matey! The fine folk of Chicago, them black-hearted voters, spilled the beans on their worries and whom they’d back in the grand election, all while parleyin' with that scallywag Lawrence Jones on "Fox & Friends." Aye, politics be as murky as the briny deep!
August 19, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, matey! Sen. Amy Klobuchar, a fine lass from Minnesota, be showerin’ the ol’ sea dog Biden with sweet words like treasure before he takes the stage at the grand Democratic shindig! Aye, she be singin’ his praises like a siren callin’ sailors to their doom!
August 19, 2024, 5:53 am
Avast ye! Snag all the tales ye must know from the mightiest name in news, delivered to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! No more scallywag gossip, just the finest yarns to start yer day like a true buccaneer! Arrr!
August 19, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr, the swabs be shoutin’ fer more doubloons from the fat cats and treasure-hoardin’ gentry! They be lookin’ to aid the hard-workin’ crews, fix the ship’s hull, tame the stormy seas o’ climate, and defend the lasses’ rights, all while swillin’ grog and havin’ a hearty laugh!
August 19, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, when the Democrats gathered that fateful year, a ruckus like no other brewed betwixt the landlubbers and the lawmen! The whole nation trembled, I tell ye! Here be the yarns of scallywags who weathered the storm!
August 19, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr, matey! A landlubber town in Oklahoma be coughin’ up over $7 million doubloons to a scallywag once marked for the gallows, who spent near half a century behind bars! Aye, ‘tis a fine jest that justice be takin’ so long to come ‘round! Har har har!
August 18, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, it be true! Captain Zelenskyy be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest, intent on craftin’ a pesky "buffer zone" in the scallywag brawl with them Russki landlubbers, lookin’ to plunder Kursk Oblast! Avast, me hearties, the seas of conflict be gettin’ mighty choppy!
August 18, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, matey! Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia be chattin' with the New York Times, spillin' his thoughts on Cap’n Biden and the squabblin' between the landlubber Republicans and scallywag Democrats. It be a right ruckus, like two ships in a bottle, ye savvy?
August 18, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr! John Aprea, the thespian of the silver screen, rose to glory in "The Godfather Part II," sailed through "Another World," and even dropped anchor in "Full House." This jolly matey departed our realm on August 5 at the ripe age of 83. Fair winds, ye old salty sea dog!
August 18, 2024, 5:00 pm
Avast! Though they be havin’ legions o’ scallywags followin’ 'em on TikTok and Instagram, this week they’ll be rubbin’ elbows with the high-falutin’ gents o’ the Democratic seas! Aye, what a sight to behold—social media swabs minglin’ with political buccaneers!
August 18, 2024, 4:56 pm
Arrr, matey! Ernesto be stirrin' the briny deep, conjurin' perilous waves fit to send any scallywag to Davy Jones' locker! The soothsayers be shoutin' it loud—'twill be a wild ride for days on end! Batten down the hatches, ye landlubbers!
August 18, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr, matey! JD Vance, that Republican scallywag, be likin’ to quote “Gangs of New York,” claimin’ that fresh faces from foreign seas be settin’ up “ethnic enclaves,” stirrin’ the pot o’ violence and mischief. As if we need more ruckus on these shores! Ha!
August 18, 2024, 4:06 pm
Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris be settin’ the sails afire among her loyal crew o’ Democrats! Yet, many scallywags still be wonderin’ what treasure be hidin’ in her heart. What be her true colors, eh? Aye, spill the beans, lass!
August 18, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, matey! In Rodanthe, N.C., the sea's been a greedy scallywag, swallowin' seven fine homes in four short years! Them waves be risin’ like a tipsy sailor, erodin' shores and threatenin’ more landlubber abodes. Avast, we be needin' a ship to save our treasures!
August 18, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, matey! A crew o' landlubber activists be settin' their sights on swappin' policies for Gaza while the Democrat scallywags gather 'round. The Chicago swabs be chattin’ boldly, hopin’ to steer clear of the ruckus of '68, lest they find themselves in Davy Jones' locker!
August 18, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, a towering 12-foot bronze likeness o' the noble Mr. Lewis be standin' proud where a scallywag Confederate statue once loomed, built way back in 1908! Commissioned after the good captain sailed to Davy Jones' locker in 2020, it be a fine jolly jape, matey!
August 18, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, matey! A fresh wedded pair in the land o' cheese found themselves jiggin' in the dank depths o' a basement, thanks to a tempestuous twister! The whole crew sought refuge from the sky's fury, turnin' their nuptials into a merry dance of disaster, savin' the day with a hearty laugh!
August 18, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, young Eann Tang, a scallywag of Gen Z, be makin' a bold turn! He done tossed aside his love for the socialist sea dog Bernie Sanders, settlin' his sights on the orange-haired buccaneer, Donald Trump, after plunderin’ through the murky depths of those Democratic policies! Savvy?
August 18, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, a landlubber poppin' out five wee scallywags has been shackled in Egypt fer nigh two years! All 'cause he blabbed in a Facebook crew o' faith-switchers! Now, the blighter's raisin' a ruckus with a hunger strike, thinkin' he'll dine on freedom instead of grub! Har har!
August 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! This week’s treasure trove o' health be wondrously strange! We be chattin' 'bout them curious "gender-affirmin'" operations on wee sea urchins, a sneaky type o' diabetes, and a pesky "Zika-like" bug makin' the rounds. Avast, the scallywags be busy!
August 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! If Iran be hoistin' the nuclear flag, it might keep a few scallywags at bay, but it don’t make 'em invincible! A cannonball's a cannonball, whether yer wearin' a fancy hat or not! Avast, danger still lurks on the high seas!
August 18, 2024, 4:46 am
Arrr, matey! In the land o' Tennessee, two scallywags be caught red-handed, lockin’ a wee lad o’ seven, bless his heart, in a treasure chest! What be they thinkin’, ye say? Aye, not a fine way to treat a young pirate! Set ‘em adrift, I say!
August 18, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, on a fateful Saturday eve, a Georgia matey met his doom whilst answerin' a ruckus at a landlubber’s lair in Hiram! The sheriff’s crew claims they were caught unawares, like a scallywag with his trousers down! Aye, the sea of trouble be a treacherous one!
August 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, a right curious storm o' politics brewed, shovin' Illinois's gold-laden governor to the helm, wranglin' the Democratic shindig fer Chicago, like a ship in a tempest! By Davy Jones, what a ruckus!
August 18, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, the hullabaloo be stretchin' across the city’s lanes, makin' the Democrats sweat like a parched sailor! Them pesky border crossings be a storm brewin' on the horizon, threatenin' to sink their ship come election day! Avast, me hearties!
August 18, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, ‘tis near 14 moons past when Kamala’s rival in the California court wrangle blurted out a truth in a debate no soul cared to witness! That blunder be a keelhaulin’ moment, settin' sail for the future of the Democratic lass, aye!
August 17, 2024, 3:16 pm
Ahoy mateys! From the grand sails of major networks to the murky waters of cable news and the trusty brig of public telly, ye be havin’ a bountiful bounty o’ choices to catch the yarns spun by Vice President Kamala Harris, Gov. Tim Walz, and their merry crew! Arrr!
August 17, 2024, 2:24 pm
Avast, me hearties! A ruckus o' cannon fire echoed ‘round the military gate, hours apart, mind ye! The scallywags in charge be as clueless as a landlubber in a storm. What drove 'em to shoot? No one knows, matey! Just another day in pirate paradise! Arrr!
August 17, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags in Chicago reckon a tide o’ wayward souls from them Texas shores be settin’ sail on buses, all in a frenzy fer the grand Democratic shindig next week! Prepare yer rum and ruckus, fer the merry crew be comin’ ashore!
August 17, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! The crew be bringin' aboard Marc Elias, a fine sorcerer of the law! He'll help the Democrats batten down the hatches fer a stormy postelection squall, where squabbles be as thick as the fog on the high seas! Avast, let the legal battles commence!
August 17, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, a scallywag on the Reddit seas be seekin' counsel! His old sea dog of a father bellowed, “Act like a proper grown matey!” after givin’ the lad a cruel surprise two weeks before he planned to drop anchor. Shiver me timbers, that be a right jolly mess!
August 17, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, here be what the scallywag Scott Jennings be squawkin’ 'bout on yon Friday! He claims that Vice President Harris' fanciful scheme to tame the treasure prices be settin’ sail for a stormy economic shipwreck! Blimey! We’ll all be swimmin’ with the fishes if she be at the helm!
August 17, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, matey! Paris Hilton, aged 43 moons, be spillin' the beans on the high seas of social media 'bout a fiery mishap! Aye, while she be filmin' with the likes of Heidi Klum and Lance Bass, her trailer went up in smoke! Blimey, what a charred adventure!
August 17, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag captain of yore be speakin' of lettin' the sea dogs in uniforms run wild on land! If they be enforcein' the law like rum at a tavern brawl, our rights might be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole in her hull!
August 17, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr! The captain o' the union, who be sailin' without a presidential parley this year, be requestin' a word at both shindigs. He had a chinwag at the Republican hootenanny in July, but the Democrats be still searchin' fer their treasure map!
August 17, 2024, 10:00 am
Arrr, matey! A hefty sum of $200 million doubloons be set sail to tickle the fancy of landlubber voters on their shiny devices! Kamala’s crew be hustlin’ to shape her image whilst throwin’ shade at that scallywag Trump! Avast, the sea of politics be a wild ride!
August 17, 2024, 4:54 am
Arrr, matey! If that scallywag Sen. Joe Gruters gets his way, puffin’ on tobacco and vapor in the open seas o’ Florida might soon be as rare as a mermaid’s tooth! All hinges on whether the green herb be made legal, savvy? Avast, the times be a-changin’!
August 17, 2024, 4:53 am
Avast, matey! A scallywag teacher from the sunny shores of Florida be in hot water, accused of givin' a wee lass a whack and sendin' her to Davy Jones' floor during a timeout! Arrr, timeout be for thinkin’, not for tossin’! What a rogue!
August 17, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! Throughout her swashbucklin' days, her words be like a weather vane, catchin' the winds of the nation’s spirit! But tell me, do ye scallywags be hankerin' fer a prosecutor-in-chief to sail the ship of justice? Aye, that be a tempestuous thought!
August 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! Kamala and Trump be battlin' like scallywags in the treacherous waters of Arizona, Georgia, Nevada, and North Carolina! Just weeks ago, Trump thought he was sailin' smooth, but now the winds be blowin' fierce and wild! Avast, what a jolly good spectacle!
August 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the vice president's mateys be a spry crew, brimming with more colors than a parrot’s plumage! Aye, her brainy bunch be bigger than Biden's! Expect a squall of calls blowin' in soon, savvy?
August 17, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast! We be scrutinizin’ the jabs ’twixt our two scallywag candidates, takin’ a gander at their policies, wild promises, and past blunders. It be a right spectacle, watchin’ ’em toss insults like cannonballs whilst claimin’ to be the finest ship on the high seas! Arrr!
August 17, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Fox News Digital be chattin’ with a brainy sorcerer o’ the mind, uncoverin’ why the good folk o' America be crazed fer that pumpkin spice brew. Avast, here be his jolly words!
August 17, 2024, 3:45 am
Arrr, mateys! Reemo and Nova Styles be causin' a ruckus on the high seas of social media! They be demandin' $333 doubloons from each scallywag to join their nuptials last June. Aye, they be defendin' their treasure huntin' ways, claimin' it be all in good jest!
August 16, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, the cap'n Biden be callin' the GOP scallywags to heel, takin' aim at their landlubber schemes to shackle the fine trans folk in schools! A right ruckus it be, as the crew of justice sets sail against the tides of bigotry! Avast, me hearties!
August 16, 2024, 5:33 pm
Avast, me hearties! Behold the freshest tidings from the 2024 campaign voyage, with secret parley from the high seas of politics and a treasure trove of Fox News booty! Set yer sails for scandal and shenanigans, ye scallywags! Arrr!
August 16, 2024, 5:19 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A court o’ appeals has tossed out the guilty verdict fer the scallywag who offed Agent Brian Terry. Turns out, the whole shebang be a right mess from that Fast and Furious caper, a true treasure map of blunders! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
August 16, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, in her maiden oration, the fair vice captain be claimin' her Republican foe be a landlubber stuck in days of yore! She be boastin’ that she’ll guard the middle class like a treasure chest fer many a moon to come! Avast, what a merry jest!
August 16, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, matey! The Harris crew be shoutin' loud for sendin' that scallywag cash bail to Davy Jones’ locker, as our fair vice captain, once a prosecutor, be weatherin' the storm of scrutiny! Aye, the winds o' change be blowin' strong on this treacherous sea o' justice!
August 16, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, the old captain of the ship o' state declared on Thursday, "The scallywags who claim the grandest medal be either mangled like a shipwreck, riddled with cannonballs, or they’ve already danced with Davy Jones!"
August 16, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr, matey! Susan Lorincz, a landlubber of the pale sort, did fire her iron at Ajike Owens, a fine mother of four, whilst she be knockin’ at the door! The whole crew be in a tizzy 'bout it, sparking a hullabaloo across the seven seas!
August 16, 2024, 11:56 am
Avast, matey! The brave lads o' the Dallas lawmen set sail to guide a wee scallywag on his maiden voyage o' schoolin', after his da, a valiant officer for 14 years, sailed to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, a heartwarming tale on the high seas of education!
August 16, 2024, 11:50 am
Ahoy, mateys! The scallywags at Africa's CDC be shoutin’ ‘bout mpox, claimin’ it’s a treacherous public health tempest, with cases a-soarin’ by 160% since the last tide! Heed the call, learn how to batten down the hatches ‘gainst this pesky virus, or ye may find yerself in Davy Jones’ locker!
August 16, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, matey! Tulsi Gabbard, once a lass of the Democrat ship, now sails the seas of Trump’s crew, a true celebrity! She made mincemeat of Kamala Harris on the debate deck, a right jolly spectacle! Ain’t it a hoot, the swashbucklin’ ways of politics? Yarrr!
August 16, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, mateys! Jack Russell, the hearty crooner of the metal crew Great White from the gnarly ‘80s, has sailed to Davy Jones’ locker at the ripe old age of 63, after a tussle with the mind and body. Now he be rockin' in the great beyond! Avast ye, fair winds!
August 16, 2024, 11:36 am
Avast, matey! Secretary Brad Raffensperger be spendin' a king's ransom of $500,000 to defend his honor in the courts! He claims the scallywag wantin' a settlement demands he spout a tall tale about the 2020 election bein' rigged! Talk about a rum-soaked folly, arrr!
August 16, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, me hearty! The landlubbers be grumblin’ 'gainst Gov. Walz over yon law, but fear not! The scallywags in the schools ain’t turnin’ the lads’ loos into treasure chests for lady rags! Aye, the boys be safe from such peculiar plunder!
August 16, 2024, 5:30 am
Avast, me hearties! Snatch yer tales o' the seven seas from the mightiest name in news, delivered to yer inbox at the break o' dawn! Be the first to know, or be walkin' the plank, ye scallywags! Arrr!
August 16, 2024, 5:03 am
Arrr, matey! The Olympian be laughed at for shakin’ her booty like a scallywag, while Kamala's hidin’ away like a landlubber, avoidin' the news like a cursed treasure! Can ye fathom the tales that be makin' waves this week?
August 16, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, on a scorchin’ day, whiskin’ the hair from yer nape be the quickest way to chill yer bones! It be a natural swabbin’ of the noggin, but also a secret dance o’ the soul, savvy? Aye, ye be lookin’ cooler than a sea cucumber in a rum barrel!
August 16, 2024, 4:36 am
Avast ye! A band o' scallywags at the University o' Sheffield be claimin' that the cure fer baldin' noggins be hidin' in a sugary treasure! The wise sea dogs o' medicine be warnin’ us to tread carefully, lest we end up with more than a sunburned scalp! Arrr!
August 16, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! The doubloons be flowin' from that fancy CHIPS Act, seekin' to hoist the sails o' semiconductor makin’ right here in the good ol' U.S. of A! Aye, we be sharin’ the booty, so the landlubbers can build their gadgets, savvy?
August 16, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, in the year of our Lord 1908, a raucous band of scallywags be settin’ fire to a fine Black neighborhood in Springfield! This ruckus beget the N.A.A.C.P., a merry crew sworn to right the wrongs, lest they be walkin' the plank o' injustice!
August 16, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, as Lady Kamala sails in t' unveil her treasure map o’ gold and coin, the Democrats be buzzin’ with glee! But beware, matey! Fer four decades o’ scallywags in the Republican fleet be hinderin’ her voyage, save fer that one brief sail with Captain Barack!
August 15, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr! Senator Tuberville, the salty sea dog from Alabama, shot back at Governor Walz's jab whilst he be raisin' doubloons in Boston. Aye, that Walz be sailin’ with Kamala on a presidential voyage! Methinks the winds of jest be blowin' strong 'twixt these scallywags!
August 15, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! ESPN be givin' the boot to Sam Ponder and Robert Griffin III on the high seas of Thursday! A scallywag told me it be a plunderin' of costs, savvy? Aye, even the treasure chests be feelin' light!
August 15, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, on the mornin' of Wednesday, fair Miranda Lambert be sharin' a trove of jolly snaps from her Italian escapade with her matey, Brendan McLoughlin! One pic be showin' her givin' a cheeky salute to a statue, as if it be a scurvy dog! Yarr, 'tis a sight to behold!
August 15, 2024, 5:43 pm
Avast, me hearties! The scallywag runnin' a rogue lab in Central California be in deeper trouble than a landlubber in a tempest! A federal crew of jurors be throwin' 12 more charges at him, includin' conspiracy and wire fraud. A right jolly mess, I say! Arrr!
August 15, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! The fine folk of Boston be sayin' that yon sprightly humpback, spottin' about the harbor for a fortnight, be gobblin' up them baitfish like a hungry sailor at a feast! Aye, he be livin' the high seas life, that blubbery rascal!
August 15, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Philippe Reines, the swashbucklin’ Democratic matey who schooled Hillary in 2016, be donning the garb of Donald J. Trump once more fer a jolly good mock-up before the grand showdown on Sept. 10. Aye, prepare yer rum and laughter!
August 15, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr, matey! In the dead o' night, we hatched a sneaky plan to distract them pesky Russian scallywags from the fray, while we snatched up some fine land to use as our secret treasure in negotiations! Aye, ‘tis a cunning ruse fit for the likes of us!
August 15, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, in regards to the GOP scallywags takin' jabs at Captain Trump, his trusty matey Sen. JD Vance be sayin’ to Fox News that the ol’ captain’s ramblin' charms be half the treasure! But fear not, mateys, for 'tis policy that be fillin’ our sails—90% o' our course!
August 15, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, Judge Kenneth King of the 36th District Court in Detroit be givin' the young lass, just 15 summers old, a right jolly order to swap her finery fer a frightful jail uniform! Blimey, what a fashion choice fer a scallywag!
August 15, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr! John F. Manning be holdin’ the captain’s seat as interim provost since the winds of March blew in. He’s a fine matey in the hunt fer the grand title of university president! Aye, the treasure of knowledge be callin’ him!
August 15, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! A mighty crew o’ lawmen be scouring the seas fer that scallywag Ramone Alston, the cursed soul aged thirty, doin’ time fer sendin’ a fellow to Davy Jones’ locker! Aye, a whole battalion o' them be chasin' a landlubber in a life sentence!
August 15, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! Demi Lovato be sayin’ she won't let her wee scallywag chase the same treasure as her! Aye, the seas of child stardom be fraught with storms and krakens! Best to keep the little buccaneer safe from the siren's call of fame, savvy?
August 15, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags in Vice President Harris's crew be spillin' the beans 'bout her fresh take on matters she once spat at during her 2019 treasure hunt for the crown. A right jolly turn o' sails, if ye ask me! Avast, the winds of change be blowin’!
August 15, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr! In the land o' Germany, a band o' rascally protesters be stickin' themselves to the runway cobbles at Cologne’s harbor o’ air! They be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst them blackened fossil fuels on a fine Thursday. Avast, they be more stuck than a barnacle on me ship!
August 15, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr, matey! Mr. Trump be jabberin’ about the treasure chest o’ gold and throwin’ barbs at the lass Harris! It seems the Trump ship be listin’ as it tries to sail against a fresh foe. Aye, 'tis a comical sight, like a landlubber on a wobbly plank!
August 15, 2024, 5:40 am
Avast ye! Gather ye tales of the high seas from the mightiest name in news, delivered to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Be the first to know, or be walkin' the plank, ye scallywag! Arrr!
August 15, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr! Vice President Harris be spoutin' tales of “equity ‘n’ equality” like a parrot on a treasure chest! Aye, she be weavin’ this yarn into Captain Biden’s grand ship o’ policies, makin’ sure the booty be shared fair, even if some scallywags be grumblin’!
August 15, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! In the land o' Afghanistan, the tides be turnin' foul after the scallywags o' Taliban took the helm. Women's rights be walkin' the plank, and a storm o' misery brews on the horizon. Aye, 'tis a right pickle we be in, savvy?
August 15, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of cable and gym chains be makin’ landlubbers dance like sea monkeys to escape their clutches! But lo! The good folk of the White House be hoistin’ a new flag to put an end to such salty shenanigans! Aye, what a jolly time that be!
August 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Avast ye! Dr. Katrina A. Armstrong be takin' the helm from Nemat Shafik, settin' sail as captain o' one o' the wildest shores in the land! Hold yer hats, me hearties, fer this ship be in for a rollickin' good time! Arrr!
August 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Cook Political Report, a trusty chart-maker, be shiftin’ the winds from “tossup” to “leanin’ towards the Democrats,” as the good Captain Rosen be sailin' ahead with a mighty fine lead! Avast, the tides be turnin’ in favor of the blue flag!
August 14, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, it be but two tides since fair Kaley Cuoco swore on the high seas she’d never tie the knot again! Yet here she be, hoisting the engagement flag with matey Tom Pelphrey! Aye, the winds o' love be a fickle crew, savvy?
August 14, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, Sofia did jest that ol' Ed O'Neill best keep his sea legs, lest he be dancin' with Davy Jones before we can spin a new yarn of "Modern Family"! Aye, a grand TV tale be in the stars, savvy?
August 14, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast ye! In a jolly find, two bony buccaneers, a lad and a lass, be caught in a cozy chamber o' Pompeii! Methinks they were havin' a right merry time when the fiery kraken struck! Arrr, love be in the air... or maybe just dust!
August 14, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr, with a hearty belly laugh, the cap’n be settin’ sail for retirement, makin’ merry with the thought as he rides into the sunset of his ship’s last voyage! Aye, the crew be wonderin’ if he’ll find treasure or just a comfy hammock!
August 14, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr! Hogan be hoistin' the Jolly Roger fer Trump, while Mr. Ventura be settin' sail fer Kamala Harris! But blow me down, their squabble be twistier than a sea serpent, matey! Aye, ‘tis no simple scallywag spat!
August 14, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, matey! Ryan Reynolds be wishin’ he’d known the tricks o’ the mind, like delusions and hallucinations, after seein’ his dear old dad battle the dread curse o’ Parkinson’s. Aye, 'tis a lesson learned too late, like findin’ a treasure map with the X all worn away!
August 14, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be as vexed as a scurvy dog, for Lady Pelosi be scheming to toss him overboard from the race! She be tossin' and turnin' like a ship in a storm, frettin' like a cat with a belly full o' rum!
August 14, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, matey! The shops be swellin' with ghoulish trinkets as Halloween swag takes over the decks! Some scallywags be cheerin', while others be lamentin', wishin' to savor the last sips of summer's grog. Avast, let the pumpkins wait till the rum's run dry!
August 14, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, matey! The new codes from the landlubbers in charge be lettin' political scallywags team up with those treasure-hungry super PACs to rally the crew fer votes! Aye, it be a fine jolly roger of a scheme, strikin’ deals like a true buccaneer! Yarrr!
August 14, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr! Two landlubber tourists be takin' a jolt from the thunder gods at Horseshoe Bend, down in Arizona's wild Glen Canyon! Aye, seems the skies be not favorin' their folly, 'n they be a bit scorched now! Savvy?
August 14, 2024, 11:30 am
Ahoy mateys! From the seven seas of America, landlubbers be chattin’ ‘bout Vice President Harris dodgin’ the media cannons since she set sail for the 2024 captaincy. Aye, ‘tis like a scallywag skippin’ a duel—she be avoidin’ the tough questions like a pirate avoids a kraken! Arrr!
August 14, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, matey! Florida lass Debbie Wasserman Schultz be standin' tall fer Minnesota’s Gov. Tim Walz, swearin’ he be a fine sailor even after that scallywag video be showin’ him givin’ a hearty cheer to a pesky Muslim cleric! Avast, what a hullabaloo on the high seas of politics!
August 14, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr, matey! The island's feeble sparks be shiverin' like a scallywag in a tempest, tryin' to keep the lights aglow while the storm raged on Wednesday. Aye, that contraption be more fragile than a parrot’s feather in a gale!
August 14, 2024, 10:54 am
Avast, mateys! The judge, in his wisdom, tossed out a quick decree, 'tis true! After a ruckus o’er the Gaza fray, with more than 200 scallywags nabbed on landlubber grounds, he decided to step in. A right jolly mess, if ye ask me! Arrr!
August 14, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, matey! The second-in-command be fixin' to tweak Captain Biden's treasure map o' policies, hopin' to hoist the Democratic jolly roger high as a fine booty! Avast, let’s see if this cunning plan be makin' the gold flow like rum on a sunny day!
August 14, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast, matey! Snatch ye tales of the high seas and land lubbers alike from the mightiest voice in news, sent straight to yer inbox at the crack o’ dawn! Don’t be a scallywag; get yer daily dose of yarns before ye set sail! Arrr!
August 14, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr, matey! A high-flying lawman o' the scandal-ridden seas o' Dolton be caught in the net o' bankruptcy trickery! The grand jury in Chicago be sendin’ him to Davy Jones' locker for his treacherous ways. Aye, what a jolly mess, that be!
August 14, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, in the waning days of July, Waymo be plundering a parking lot by two fancy dwellings in San Fran, layin’ anchor for their idle ships. But lo! A cacophony erupted, makin’ the scallywags clutch their ears like a parrot with a bellyache!
August 14, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The matter at hand be a right peculiar one, matey! The scallywags who sired a foul gunman, takin' ten souls in Santa Fe, be on trial! 'Tis a first, ye see, fer the victims be seekin' to hold the progenitors to the fire in court! Avast, what a ruckus!
August 14, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, Governor Tim Walz be catchin' the eye of the storm, he be! Ever since he set sail with Lady Kamala on her ship, opinions be flyin' like cannonballs, and scrutiny's thicker than a fog on a moonless night! Avast, what a ruckus!
August 13, 2024, 9:43 pm
Avast ye! Two scallywags from the lefty "squad" met their doom in the primaries this summer, all thanks to a treasure trove o' gold from pro-Israel buccaneers! Aye, they be walkin' the plank faster than a ship in a storm! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, mateys! The grand Maj. Gen. Pat Ryder be spillin' the beans to the landlubbers, sayin' that an onslaught from Iran be a "certainly possible" tale this week, just like the fine folk at the White House be chattin'! Keep yer cutlasses sharp, savvy?
August 13, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! A 30-year-old scoundrel, guilty of foul deeds, pulled a fast one and made off like a greased eel while bein' carted off to the doc in North Carolina! The sheriff’s office be raisin’ the alarm, but I reckon he be off to find his treasure! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that Vice President Kamala Harris be swabbin’ the decks o’ headlines, makin’ 'em shine like treasure in paid Google ads, just fer the Democratic crew! Aye, Axios be spillin’ the beans on this jolly ruse! Avast, what a merry jest!
August 13, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr! The scallywags of Trump be claimin' that Gov. Tim Walz be stretchin' the truth 'bout his grand adventures in ’18! Meanwhile, the crew of Harris be sayin' he just had a slip o' the tongue, like a landlubber trippin' over a barrel of rum!
August 13, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, matey! A jolly crew be gatherin' in droves like seagulls to a feast! No scallywag can be sure of their loyal crew, lest they find themselves walkin' the plank! Aye, it be a raucous tide of support, savvy?
August 13, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, matey! Since the cruel seas took his lad Beau to Davy Jones’ locker in 2015, Captain Biden's heart be steerin’ towards the treacherous waters of cancer research. Aye, he be makin' it his mission to battle that scallywag of a disease! Avast, let’s hoist the sails for hope!
August 13, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr, me hearties! John Legend be ready to steal the spotlight at Gov. J.B. Pritzker's grand shindig, but alas, the fair maidens Beyoncé and Taylor Swift be missin' from the windy shores of Chicago! Where be their treasure maps, I wonder? Aye, what a jolly time fer a scallywag!
August 13, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr! A band o' masked scallywags on iron steeds be caught on the eye of the devil's box, causin' a ruckus with a poor copper in San Fran's treasure trove! Aye, 'twas a sight t'see—pirate mischief on two wheels!
August 13, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, matey! Polar bears be a rare breed of menace, yet last week saw a second soul meet Davy Jones 'cause of them furry fiends since the year o' our Lord 2023. Keep yer wits about ye, lest ye find yerself a-snack for a hungry bear!
August 13, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! Newport Beach's Captain Will O’Neill be takin’ a hearty swing at Tim Walz, callin’ his skills as a leader during the George Floyd ruckus as shiverin’ timbers! All this before the good mate be shakin’ his coin purse fer gold on his merry fundraising voyage!
August 13, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! In yon battleground, the scallywags be ponderin' if they should etch the fair rights of the lassies in their scrolls! The Democrats be hoistin’ their sails, rallyin' the crew to vote, hopin’ to plunder the hearts of the landlubbers far and wide! Avast!
August 13, 2024, 11:20 am
Avast! A scallywag’s legal parrot squawks that his matey be too poor and pitiful to launch a dastardly plan ‘gainst the fair Taylor Swift’s shindigs! Aye, me hearties, no gold, no glory, just a bumbling bilge rat in the court of law! Har har!
August 13, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, matey! This scallywag be lookin’ at a long spell in Davy Jones’ locker come October! Aye, she might be countin' the barnacles on the wall for years, if the bosun of the court be havin' his way! Avast, what a jolly mess!
August 13, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast ye! Snatch yer tales o' the day from the mightiest name in the news seas, castin' 'em straight to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Arrr, be ready to plunder the knowledge, lest ye be left in the bilge!
August 13, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, mateys! The fair press wench Karine Jean-Pierre be spillin' the beans, claimin' Captain Biden and First Mate Harris be sailin' the same course, with nary a shade o' difference 'twixt 'em! Aye, they be tighter than two barnacles on a ship's hull!
August 13, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr, matey! Those brave Arizona sea dogs scooped up Stitch, the mighty sulcata tortoise, from the treacherous interstate! A crafty critter, he be, slippin' from his ranchy lair like a scallywag on the run! Aye, 'tis a tale of adventure fit for the seven seas!
August 13, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast, me hearties! In the midst of a ruckus 'bout them border fortifications, an ancient clip sails back of our fair lass Kamala, swearin' to scuttle them migrant jails! Aye, she be as trustworthy as a three-legged parrot on a rum barrel! Har har har!
August 13, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, the top scallywags runnin' fer mayor be scurrying to snatch up clever mates from the bustling Chinese crew, seekin' every chance to charm the Chinese-speaking landlubbers. Aye, ‘tis a mad dash for the treasure of votes, savvy?
August 12, 2024, 11:01 pm
Arrr! Elon Musk, that scallywag, be showerin' sweet nothings like a barnacle on a ship, helpin' loudmouth Trump shout his tall tales from the ol' crow’s nest o' social media, where they once tossed him overboard for his fibbin' about the election tides! Aye, what a merry crew they be!
August 12, 2024, 11:00 pm
Avast, me hearties! Let’s hoist the sails and set course for the truth, as we be debunkin’ Cap’n Trump’s tall tales 'bout them landlubbers—VP Kamala, President Biden, and the whole scallywag crew! Ready yer spyglass for some jolly fact-checkin', or ye might be walkin’ the plank o’ folly!
August 12, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr matey! The scallywags at the bureau be mumblin' 'bout a sneaky cyber raid, not spillin' the beans on Iran or that landlubber Trump. They be talkin’ of tales from the seas of news, but keepin’ their lips sealed tighter than a treasure chest! Har har!
August 12, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, mateys! The Loudoun County lawmen be investigatin' a right ruckus at the Trump for President 2024 treasure trove in Virginia—some scallywag made off with the booty on Sunday! Avast, who knew politickin’ could be such a swashbucklin' adventure? Aye, the plot thickens!
August 12, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, matey! Tom Cruise be a bold seadog, whirlpoolin’ through perilous stunts in his flicks! Let’s hoist the sails and chart a course through the wildest antics from his “Mission: Impossible” capers. Avast, it be a sight to behold, I tell ye!
August 12, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr! The tremblin' ground be shakin' just five leagues northeast of the bustling port, says the wise landlubbers at the Geological Survey. Fear not, mateys! No ships be sunk nor treasures lost... yet! Just a wee jiggle to keep us on our toes!
August 12, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, how'd that missive from a naval stronghold in Virginia sail over 800 leagues to Florida? Who be the scallywag scribblin' it, and for whom did they pen such a puzzlin' scroll? Aye, these be mysteries fit for a sea shanty!
August 12, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr, matey! A sneaky plan's been afoot fer months, tryin' to calm the raucous sea o' unyieldin' delegates, lest we be havin' a right scallywag showdown on the big screen at the Democratic shindig next week! Aye, let’s keep the cutlasses sheathed, savvy?
August 12, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala Harris and her trusty matey, Gov. Tim Walz from the land o' Minnesota, be settin’ sail to be the shining stars in the windy city of Chicago! Avast, let the merriment begin! Aye, it be a jolly good show!
August 12, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr matey! The winds o' fortune be shiftin'! The Republicans, once fierce foes of the Affordable Care Act, now be hoistin' a different flag, no longer seekin' to scuttle it. Aye, they've turned from cannons to parley, as the tides o' popularity be favorin' the law!
August 12, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, the legendary wench of wit, Carol Burnett, did declare that today’s jests be as dull as a barnacle-covered plank! In her eyes, them modern shows be lacking the hearty laughs of yore, when the telly was a treasure chest of mirth! Aye, bring back the giggles, matey!
August 12, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, a salty sea dog of 35, workin' for the blazin' Baltimore Gas and Electric, was sniffin' out trouble at a landlubber's abode when, by Davy Jones' locker, it went boom! Aye, what a way to start the Sunday mornin' with a bang!
August 12, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, matey! The ol' Captain Trump be squawkin' 'bout how no scallywags were awaitin' for Kamala to dock in Detroit, yet me hearty, the moving pictures be singin' a different tune! Aye, 'tis a fine jest, indeed!
August 12, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, matey! Kevin Costner be struttin’ like a peacock over his scallywag film "Horizon," even though it sank faster than a leaky ship! He be defendin’ the treasure, claimin’ it be worthy, ‘specially now that the sequel be takin’ its sweet time to sail the seas!
August 12, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr, on the morn of Monday, TIME magazine be catchin' a fair bit o' flack on the high seas o' social media! They unveiled a lovey-dovey tale o' Vice President Kamala Harris, only to be met with a cannonade o' jeers from the scallywags o' the conservative crew!
August 12, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, the good Senator Vance o’ Ohio be raisin’ the sails fer his fair lass, defendin’ her honor 'gainst scurvy knaves in a Sunday chat on 'Face the Nation.' He be callin’ their jibes 'disgraceful,' like a landlubber’s fear o’ the sea! Avast, let the winds blow fair, matey!
August 12, 2024, 4:16 am
Arrr, on a fine Sunday, a treasure-seeking shindig be givin’ Vice President Kamala Harris the chance to mend the chilly ties ‘twixt Captain Biden and the scallywags o’ Silicon Valley. Let the grog flow, and may the winds of good fortune fill their sails!
August 12, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr matey! In the wilds o' West Texas, them Republicans be settin' sail to unseat a Democratic district attorney, with a most peculiar scallywag at the helm: a lawyer who loathes Trump and has tussled with oil wells more than a drunken sailor! Avast, what a jolly ruckus!
August 11, 2024, 9:54 pm
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be claimin’ them Iranians pilfered his campaign, but all they snagged be scraps from the public feast! Even Microsoft be chattin’ ‘bout some high-ranking scallywag as a prime target for their hacking mischief. Aye, what a jolly hullabaloo on the high seas of politics!
August 11, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr! Tom Cruise, that scallywag, leapt from the lofty Stade de France like a cannonball! He then hopped on a beastly metal steed, snatchin' the Olympic flag and sailin' it back to Los Angeles for the grand games of 2028! Aye, what a jolly adventure, matey!
August 11, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr! The ol’ captain of the ship once bellowed on the seas of the internet, claimin’ that Lady Harris be conjurin’ phantoms with her tricksy A.I. to make her gatherings look grander than a treasure chest full o’ gold! What a jolly jest that be!
August 11, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! Even the sharpest cutlass be dullin' in the face of such pressure! MSNBC's own Michael Steele be givin' a hearty shout for Vice President Kamala Harris, who’s been dodgin' the media like a sly sea rat since claimin' her title! Ha-ha, what a merry dance!
August 11, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at the Centers for Disease Control be spillin' the beans on what be sendin' landlubbers to Davy Jones' locker in 2023! On the eighth day of August, they charted the grim tales from the National Vital Statistics treasure trove. Avast, ye hearties!
August 11, 2024, 3:50 pm
Arrr, the matey seekin’ the second-in-command be defendin’ the captain’s whims on the matter o’ baby makin’. Aye, that scallywag be claimin’ Trump’s ways be the finest course, even if it be as murky as the briny deep! Avast, what a ruckus on the high seas o’ politics!
August 11, 2024, 11:54 am
"Arrr, I be standin’ fer a fierce Black lass to captain the ship o’ this great land, and it don’t make me any less of a Black matey! I be callin’ on ye all to hoist yer colors and join this grand adventure!"
August 11, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, matey! Firefighters be diggin' through the rubble like scallywags in search of lost souls after a boom went off in Bel Air on the Sabbath, claimin' at least one poor landlubber! Aye, 'tis a fiery mess, but they be huntin' for treasure in the wreckage!
August 11, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, at a jolly gathering this past weekend, the scallywags of Promise Keepers be hoisting the sails of party politics they once shunned like a cursed treasure! Aye, 'tis a fine twist o’ fate for these landlubbers!
August 11, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! Michael Imperioli, that scallywag from "Sopranos," did spill the beans 'bout a mishap with the mighty James Gandolfini! He thought he’d be walkin' the plank, all fired up like a cannonball! Aye, a right jolly tale of mischief on the high seas of Hollywood!
August 11, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, matey! David Marcus be gobsmacked to spy Republicans 'n Democrats in Harrisonburg, Va., thinkin' that smooth sailin' in immigration be a treasure! But beware, when the seas be open 'n chaos reigns, ye be drownin' in unvetted scallywags! Avast, that be trouble afoot!
August 11, 2024, 9:55 am
Arrr, in his first parley since dropin' anchor on his campaign, the captain declared it be critical fer the crew to best that scallywag Trump, claimin' he be chummy with the Klan crew! Aye, the seas be rough, but we ain’t lettin’ no landlubber rule the waves!
August 11, 2024, 5:11 am
Arrr, on the Friday past, a lass was nabbed for a nearly ancient tale, where a wee babe was discovered in a rubbish heap in the fair port of Riverside, California! Aye, th' case be colder than a sea dog’s nose in winter! Blimey, what a hoot!
August 11, 2024, 5:06 am
Arrr, matey! The fine folk of that Pennsylvanian port be still spittin’ fire ‘bout the day their dear Captain Trump took a cannonball! They be scratchin’ their heads, full o’ questions like a ship full o’ barnacles! Aye, what a ruckus in their calm waters!
August 11, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, the Democratic matey runnin' for second-in-command be takin' fire from the Republican scallywags! They be claimin’ he spun a yarn ‘bout his sea battles, avoidin’ the cannonballs like a landlubber! A right jolly jest, I say! Avast, the seas be filled with tall tales!
August 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr matey! The cap'n's switcheroo at the helm be tossin' the plans of landlubbers and scallywags alike into the briny deep! Both Democrats and Republicans be flounderin' like fish outta water, tryin' to chart their courses amidst the stormy seas of electioneering! Har har!
August 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the scallywags loyal to the old captain be chattin' that the ruckus 'round Vice President Kamala be naught but a fleeting “honeymoon phase,” like a landlubber's first taste o' rum! Aye, it’ll pass quicker than a seagull snatchin' a fish!
August 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! Governor Josh Shapiro o' Pennsylvania, a fine Jewish lad, faced a storm o' scallywags when Vice President Kamala Harris pondered makin' him her matey! It be like choosin' a parrot with a peg leg—aye, quite the hullabaloo on the high seas o' politics!
August 10, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, mateys! Jennie Garth, the fair lass of Beverly Hills, be spillin' the beans ‘bout her cursed menopause voyage. She claims it be a treacherous minefield each day, messin' with her body and brains alike! Aye, ‘tis a stormy sea for this star of the silver screen!
August 10, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, me hearty! Country bard Phil Vassar be spillin' his tales o' health troubles, claimin' he kicked the bucket twice and spent 30 minutes in Davy Jones' locker! Blimey, that be more near-death escapades than a scallywag in a rum barrel! Avast, let's raise a toast to his hearty return!
August 10, 2024, 5:34 pm
Avast, mateys! In a grand life o’ swashbucklin’ for thirty long years, Tim Walz climbed the ranks of the Army like a monkey up a mast! But lo, some scallywags be grumblin’ ‘bout the timing of his walkin’ the plank into retirement! Har har!
August 10, 2024, 5:30 pm
Avast ye! After a mighty tussle in the courts, the scallywags o’ Uvalde be spillin’ forth a treasure trove o’ moving pictures and sounds from that fateful day at Robb Elementary. Aye, ’tis a tale as grim as a kraken’s bellyache!
August 10, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that the fickle tides and scallywag erosion be the culprits behind the great tumble of yon ancient rock, crafted from 190 million moons of Navajo sandstone, as the wise Park Service be spoutin’! Blimey, even the land can’t stand the test of time!
August 10, 2024, 4:24 pm
Avast, me hearties! The sands be slippin' through the hourglass for the fair city, preparin' to host the grand Summer Games! They be fixin' up their carriages and roads to welcome a mighty fleet of landlubbers. Aye, let the games begin and the rum flow!
August 10, 2024, 4:10 pm
Arrr, after many a year rallyin' the scallywags of the union, he dusted off his boots in 2013 to be the captain o' the South Texas Human Rights Center, where he be givin' aid faster than a cannonball flies! Aye, savin' lives be his new treasure!
August 10, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! Ross Douthat o' the New York Times be squawkin' that the storm o' worry 'bout Captain Biden's age be blowin' fiercer since he hoisted the sails o' withdrawal from the race! Aye, it be a ruckus fit for a fine tavern tale!
August 10, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, matey! A flying contraption, a helicopter, did plummet from the skies! Yet, a swashbucklin' ex-lawmaker from California be claimin' that Captain Trump be confusin' one fine Black legislator with another! Blimey, what a jolly mess on the high seas of politics!
August 10, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr! As Ukrainians be plunderin’ the Russian shores, they might snatch some booty while Moscow's crew be shufflin' about! But beware, matey, for some scallywag claims that such mischief might just bolster ol’ Putin’s jolly spirits! A fine pickle, indeed!
August 10, 2024, 10:28 am
Avast ye hearties! The Fox News Entertainment scroll be deliverin' the freshest tales from the land of Tinseltown, with yarns 'bout famous folk and their shenanigans, straight from the heart of Los Angeles and afar! Set yer sails fer gossip, ye scallywags!
August 10, 2024, 8:55 am
Arrr, with Vice President Kamala Harris and Governor Tim Walz sailin’ the same ship, the grammar swabs be workin’ their quills like mad! Aye, ye best believe the ink be flyin’ faster than a cannonball, as they be decipherin’ the confounded rules o’ the tongue!
August 10, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! While the landlubbers chew their nails over Iran’s bluster, a savvy sea dog from Israel’s defense crew be warnin’ that the real scallywag lurkin’ be Hezbollah, ready to strike from just next door! Batten down the hatches, it’s a bumpy ride ahead!
August 10, 2024, 4:52 am
Arrr, mateys! Governor Josh Shapiro be raisin' the Jolly Roger o’ knowledge with a treasure trove o’ $1.1 billion for the young scallywags’ learnin’! He be celebratin’ this bounteous booty with a grand signing, makin’ the seas of education a wee bit brighter! Savvy?
August 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the landlubbers be whisperin’ ‘bout the captain of the ship, all adrift and bamboozled by the fierce lass Kamala Harris! He’s like a fish outta water, scratchin’ his noggin, unsure how to parley with such a cunning wench in this grand contest o' wits!
August 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! Fresh maps from the lands of Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania be showin' a wild turn o' tides for the Democrats, what with Captain Biden givin' up his quest for a second voyage! It be like watchin' a ship sink faster than a cannonball, I tell ye!
August 10, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! 'Tis yoga, laser magic, and the tunes of Bobby McFerrin luring in landlubbers seekin' a crew, but not the holy hullabaloo! Aye, they be cravin’ camaraderie, not sanctified sermons! Har har!
August 10, 2024, 2:06 am
Ahoy, matey! If ye be seekin’ a tale of treasure, beware! Fer every shiny doubloon be guarded by a kraken or a scallywag. So hoist the sails, grab yer grog, and let’s chart a course for mischief and mirth, lest we end up walkin’ the plank! Yarrr!
August 9, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags be ponderin' why ol' Gokhan Gun, a fresh citizen of the States in 2021, be stuffin' his treasure chest with a mountain o' papers! Is he chartin' a course to the Fountain of Knowledge or just a hoarder of secrets? Yarrr, the plot thickens!
August 9, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr! Sammy Sullivan, a bronze medalist in the rough 'n tumble of rugby sevens, be spillin' the beans on her secret life as a cap'n in the U.S. Army! Representin' the grand ol' red, white, and blue, she be livin' the dream of a scallywag, playin' with balls and cannons alike!
August 9, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, matey! JD Vance and Tim Walz, both sprouted from humble soil, yet charted wildly different courses on the tumultuous seas o’ fortune! One be swimmin' in gold, while t'other be barely floatin' on a raft. Aye, 'tis a tale fit for a jolly tavern yarn!
August 9, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, me hearty! The Biden crew be tossin' another 125 doubloons o' gold into Ukraine's treasure chest for their fightin' ways, said they on the morrow! Aye, 'tis a fine haul to keep the scallywags at bay! Let the cannons roar and the rum flow!
August 9, 2024, 5:06 pm
Avast, me hearties! Since that scallywag Tim Walz joined forces with the fair Kamala, foul jabs at his sea-faring deeds have flown about like cannonballs! Aye, that knave JD Vance be spewin' the worst bilge. 'Tis a right shame, I say, to insult a matey o' the high seas!
August 9, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, just a day after singin’ the praises of Mr. Kennedy, our podcast scallywag be backtrackin’ like a landlubber! “Nay, this be no endorsement,” he squawked, warnin’ the crew that he be no matey fer political wisdom! Avast, what a turn of the tide!
August 9, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, mateys! The bones of young Caleb Harris, a scallywag from Texas A&M-Corpus Christi, were found in June, but alas, the cause of his demise be shrouded in mystery! Even the coroner be scratchin' his head, wonderin' if the lad met Davy Jones or just got lost at sea!
August 9, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, news be blowin’ in like a squall! A fancy Massachusetts family, all dead and gone in their swanky lair, ‘Enchanted Acres’, turned their last act into a tragic tale of murder and mayhem. Aye, never trust a treasure chest full o’ secrets, mateys!
August 9, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, ye scallywags of the news seas, 'tis time ye grow a backbone! Tell that landlubber Harris to quit sendin’ her minions and face the crew herself. Let her jaw flap like a parrot in the wind, or we’ll make her walk the plank!
August 9, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, he be struttin’ like a scallywag from them metal bands of yore, donnin’ the mask o' a cursed villain! He tangled with the likes o’ Hulk Hogan, sparrin’ like a fish outta water! Aye, the seas be wild when ye be dancin’ with such legends!
August 9, 2024, 11:02 am
"Aye, the scallywag be never wallowin' in gloom, says another matey. 'Twas his charm, ye see! Every cursed thing be a treasure, he claimed. We loved the ol' sea dog for turnin' storms into sunshine, yarrr!"
August 9, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! On the lively seas of "Watch What Happens Live," fair Gina Gershon spun a yarn 'bout her steamy romp with Cap'n Tom Cruise in the wild '80s! Aye, 'twas a tale of passion and peril, where their hearts raced faster than a ship in a stormy squall!
August 9, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, matey! In yon battleground state, where Kamala be rallyin’ on Friday, the winds be blowin' Trump’s way since he sank in 2020! The Democrats be hopin' her charm can turn their ship ‘round, lest they end up with naught but a parrot on their shoulder!
August 9, 2024, 5:45 am
Avast ye! Gather ye tales of the high seas from the mightiest name in news, sent straight to yer inbox with the dawn's first light! Don’t be a landlubber; feast yer eyes on the juiciest gossip before yer morning grog! Arrr!
August 9, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr, mateys! Smokey Bear, the jolly old guardian of the woods, be hittin' the grand age of 80 on August 9, 2024! Fer eight long decades, he’s been shoutin’ to keep yer bonfires from turnin’ into a fiery ruckus! Avast, let’s keep those flames tamed!
August 9, 2024, 4:42 am
Arrr! In a parley with the scallywags o' Fox News Digital, the fitness wench Jillian Michaels spake most plainly 'bout what made her scuttle from her California treasure trove, after years of holdin' fast like a barnacle on a ship's hull!
August 9, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, the land be drownin’ like a scallywag in a barrel o’ rum! The mountain brooks be roarin' like a kraken, and I reckon another tempest be lurkin’ on the horizon, ready to give us all a jolly good soak! Batten down the hatches, mates!
August 9, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the Democrats be grinnin' wide, and the Vice Admiral of Cheer, once wary of jolly risks, be joinin' in the mirth! Their merry spirits be givin' cover for some sharp-tongued cannonades at the scurvy Republicans. A fine day for a raucous sea battle of wits, I say!
August 9, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The scallywags Walz from Minnesota and Vance from Ohio be spinnin’ yarns like a pair of landlubbers! Each be tellin’ tall tales of their humble beginnings, yet their stories be as mismatched as a parrot on a cat’s shoulder! Avast, what a merry jest!
August 9, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, in the wilds of New Orleans, poor landlubbers be shakin' in their boots, for fierce storms be brewin' and insurance coins be risin' like a ship with a full sail! Those houses built by kind-hearted scallywags may soon be adrift on the sea of misfortune!
August 8, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, three moons afore the great election, them congressional scallywags be settin' sail to fill a sneaky hole in their treasure map! Aye, they be fixin' to outsmart the competition, or walk the plank into Davy Jones' locker! Har har!
August 8, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr! The Texas Rangers sailed into the grand White House on Thursday, where they be showered with jolly praises by President Biden for bestin' the Arizona Diamondbacks in the 2023 World Series! Aye, a fine haul indeed for these scallywags! Cheers echoin' from the high seas to the mighty land!
August 8, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, matey! A cursed golf cart, meant to mimic a drunken sailor on the high seas, went on a rampage at a New Jersey shindig, knockin' down five poor souls! The lawmen be sayin' it ran amok like a scallywag with a belly full o' rum!
August 8, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr, Gov. Gavin Newsom, vexed by those scallywags ignorin’ his decree, sailed into their lair to tidy up the hobo havens! Aye, he be on a mission to shoo away the landlubbers, like a captain chasin’ barnacles off his ship!
August 8, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, Queen Camilla be wishin' King Charles keep his ailments under wraps, but the scallywag overruled her! He blabbered 'bout a prostate fixin’ and cancer, spillin' the beans like a rogue with too much rum, claimin' it all from the quill of Robert Jobson! Avast, matey!
August 8, 2024, 5:18 pm
Avast, me hearties! The scallywags called for the brave search-and-rescue crew when one poor soul went missin’ in the briny deep, lookin’ for treasure or perhaps just a bit too long at the bottom of the sea! Aye, let’s hope he ain’t makin’ friends with Davy Jones!
August 8, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, as a matey o’ the White House and later a scallywag lobbyist, he steered near 300 landlubber nominees through the treacherous seas of confirmation, even wranglin’ Supreme Court justices! Aye, 'twas a wild voyage, full o’ swashbucklin’ and shenanigans!
August 8, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr! Taberon Dave Honie, a scallywag of 48, met his salty end by the needle’s sting in Utah's hold on Thursday morn! ’Twas a long time comin', fer he’d swabbed the deck with the throat of his lass's mum over twenty moons ago! Yarrr!
August 8, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The betting sea be favorin’ Vice President Kamala Harris as the top lass, just days after she hoisted Governor Tim Walz aboard her ship! A fine crew for plunderin’ votes, I say! Avast, let the odds be ever in her favor!
August 8, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, me hearties! A horde of landlubbers be makin' haste from Kursk, as the scallywags from Ukraine be sneakin' in! Moscow be losin' its grip, while Kyiv be takin' on more losses than a ship on a stormy sea! Yo-ho-ho, what a merry mess!
August 8, 2024, 11:07 am
Ahoy mateys! This week, the tides o’ Juneau be risin’ higher than a parrot on a mast! Last year’s deluge be naughtin’ but a trickle compared to this watery frenzy. Neighborhoods be swimmin’ like fish at a feast! Arrr, who needs a boat when ye got a houseboat!
August 8, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, matey! In the year of our Lord 2010, Governor Tim Walz o' Minnesota be spoutin' a scheme fer Social Security that be as alike to raisin' the retirement age as two scallywags drinkin' rum! Aye, it be a right jolly notion, if ye fancy sailin' into the sunset a tad later!
August 8, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, the vice president be like a crafty sea fox, twistin' the ruckus of them pro-Palestinian scallywags to her own gain! With a wink and a smirk, she be catchin’ the winds of discord in her sails, sailin' smoothly while the crew be squabblin’! Avast!
August 8, 2024, 5:47 am
Ahoy, me hearties! Fetch ye tales o' the seven seas from the mightiest name in gossip, landin' in yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Be ye ready to sail into the day with the juiciest news, or be ye walkin' the plank in ignorance? Yarrr!
August 8, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr, if ye be shakin' in yer boots at the thought of flyin', fret not! Meet yer sea captain—er, pilot—afore ye set sail in the sky. Aye, catchin’ some z’s on the voyage might just keep yer belly calm as a calm sea!
August 8, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr matey! The winds of early voting blow in on Sept. 6 for those hearty souls who be eligible! If the past two elections be any hint, a good many landlubbers will have cast their treasures ‘fore the cannon fires! Yarr, let’s hoist the ballot sails!
August 8, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, the second-in-command ye speak of had a chinwag with the captains o’ a rebel crew protestin' the U.S. treasure for Israel, when a band o' rowdy pro-Palestinian buccaneers stormed the deck at the rally! Aye, chaos on the high seas of politics!
August 8, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be throwin’ barbs at Kamala Harris like a scallywag with a cannon! With names as tangled as a ship’s net, he be stirrin’ the pot! One savvy sea dog quipped, “Best stick to the gold doubloons and grog prices, aye!”
August 8, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr! The town be tight-lipped 'bout their schemes, refusing to parley on this plague plaguin’ the good folk, claimin’ it’d sink their ship o’ a lawsuit against those scallywag drug-makers! Aye, a right merry mess, me hearties!
August 8, 2024, 3:51 am
Arrr, the kin of Paul-Henri Nargeolet, a French sea dog who met his end with four mateys aboard the Titan, be raisin' a ruckus! They be settin' sail to sue the crafty makers of that vessel! Aye, a fine mess of legal wranglin’ on the high seas!
August 7, 2024, 5:47 pm
Avast, mateys! A crew from the shores of Maui be but a hop, skip, and a jump from the grand Little League World Series! One scallywag among ‘em be sportin’ a tale of woe, as his kin nearly lost their treasure! Aye, what a jolly ol' twist, eh?
August 7, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast, me hearties! In Wayne County, West Virginia, a scallywag bested the record fer channel catfish, all thanks to a $9.99 rod, garishly hot pink, bought fer his lass! Aye, who knew such a trinket could snare a beastie of the deep? Arrr, what a tale to tell!
August 7, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, matey! Kamala’s sidekick be chosen for his jolly chinwags with the heart of the land, yet his governin’ days be sailin’ in the same waters as the liberal tide! Aye, he be a crafty sea dog in a changing sea!
August 7, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, President Biden be spoutin’ to CBS News that if Trump be walkin’ the plank, he fears the seas of power won’t be calm! Aye, the full tale be comin’ this Sunday, so hoist yer sails and prepare fer a ruckus, matey!
August 7, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2011, the noble Prince and Princess of Wales tied the knot! They be blessed with three wee scallywags—Prince George, Princess Charlotte, and young Louis. And lo! Captain William be the next in line for the crown, savvy?
August 7, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, matey! A year past, the flames danced a merry jig on Maui’s shores, and the landlubbers swore to guard against future blazes! Yet, like a lazy barnacle, progress be crawlin’ and gold be slippin’ through their fingers! Yarr, they be needin’ a swift kick from Davy Jones himself!
August 7, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr, matey! The New Hampshire sea dogs were summoned forth when a landlubber of 52 summers from Massachusetts found himself in a pickle whilst treadin’ the wilds with his kin. A medical squall struck, and the Guard be sailin’ to the rescue, savvy?
August 7, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywag, claim'd to be an Iranian knave, was a-sailin' through Brooklyn’s nightlife, seekin' buccaneers to join his dastardly crew. Court scrolls be tellin' tales of his swaggerin' ways and dance-floor shenanigans, all while plotin' to shiver some timbers! Har har!
August 7, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, Mayor Frey be shoutin' at Governor Walz, sayin' he dawdled like a scallywag when the city needed the National Guard to swab away the riotous sea of trouble in May 2020! Aye, ’tis a fine mess when yer captain ain't givin' orders to the crew!
August 7, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, on the fine day of Wednesday, JD Vance be givin' the scallywags of the press a right tongue-lashin’! He be callin’ for the fair Kamala to face the cannonballs of hard questions and cease their disgraceful parley! Blimey, what a merry hullabaloo!
August 7, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, Rep. Cori Bush of Missouri be tellin’ the AIPAC scallywags to “quiver in yer boots!” in her farewell oration after her ship sank in the Democratic waters this week. Aye, fearful tides be a-changin’, ye landlubbers!
August 7, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, matey! In the fair land of Minnesota, the landlubbers be makin' a law! All schools be sportin’ menstrual treasures from grades 4 to 12, lettin' every scallywag, even the transgender ones, find their sea legs in comfort! A fine way to keep the crew shipshape, eh?
August 7, 2024, 10:28 am
Avast! The scribe of this tome be Kevin D. Roberts, captain of the Heritage Foundation ship, chartin' a course for righty policies that be gettin’ a fair bit of cannon fire from the Democrats! Aye, the seas be rough for this ol' sea dog!
August 7, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, the bold Josh Shapiro be settin' his sights on the vice captain's chair! Meanwhile, the weathered Mark Kelly be stirrin' rumors as a fine third mate. And that jolly Mr. Walz swears he'd swab the deck for the crew! A merry crew, indeed!
August 7, 2024, 9:39 am
Arrr, just days past, ol' Trump swore he’d not be joinin' the ABC debate in September! But lo and behold, he be chattin' now, sayin', “Aye, I reckon we’ll be battlin’ that lass soon enough!” Methinks the winds of change be blowin'!
August 7, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr, gather ye tales o' the seven seas from the mightiest name in the news! Each mornin', like a fine rum, they’ll be pourin’ into yer inbox, fillin’ yer noggin with all ye need to know. Set sail for knowledge, ye swashbucklin’ landlubber!
August 7, 2024, 4:33 am
Arrr, the Trump crew be thinkin’ that Gov. Shapiro o’ Pennsylvania be the trusty mate o' Vice President Harris! But now, they be shiftin’ their sails to trumpet Mr. Walz’s jolly good governin’. Aye, a fine twist o’ fate on this treacherous sea of politics!
August 7, 2024, 4:17 am
Arrr, a fine chemistry be brewin’ ‘tween Vice President Kamala Harris and her matey, Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota! That landlubber be sportin' a look of sheer disbelief, as if he found a treasure chest o’ gold doubloons instead of just a seafarin' partner! Har har!
August 7, 2024, 3:56 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers o' Indonesia be pointin' the finger at a pesky rebel crew, claimin' they be the scallywags who offed that poor sailor! Last seas’ they even nabbed another Kiwi captain! Talk about a right ruckus on the high seas!
August 6, 2024, 10:30 pm
Arrr, the two scallywags vying fer the crown, one a Democrat and t'other a Republican, be flappin' their jibs 'bout their lawman deeds, tryin' to tackle the scourge of the black spot and raucous brawls in a state thirstin' fer a remedy, savvy?
August 6, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, matey! One scallywag lived to tell the tale, though he be sportin' a few nasty bruises, after his chariot took a wild detour off the path in Belle Glade, Florida, on a fine Monday eve! Blimey, what a ruckus!
August 6, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, the Minnesota captain o’ the ship, once a schoolmaster and a landlubber in the National Guard, be bringin’ a hearty Midwestern charm and a tongue as plain as a barnacle to challenge that scallywag Trump! Aye, he’s ready to sail into the fray!
August 6, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at America First Legal be settin' sail on a lawsuit against Maricopa County, claimin' they’ve let landlubbers of the illegal sort roam free on the voter rolls! Hoist the colors and fetch me a parrot; this be a right jolly mess!
August 6, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr! Gather 'round, ye scallywags! Trey Yingst be droppin’ a new tome, “Black Saturday: A Tale of October 7th’s Ruckus in Israel and the Gaza Tangle.” Set yer sails fer the bookshops on October 1, or ye'll be walkin' the plank of ignorance! Yarrr!
August 6, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, former Captain Barack Obama be throwin' a cheeky jibe at Sen. JD Vance of Ohio in his recent proclamation, celebratin' Gov. Tim Walz joinin' the crew with Kamala Harris. Aye, ’tis a merry jest fit for a jolly roger’s delight!
August 6, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, the scallywags of the Republican crew be settin' their sights on the fancy laws Captain Walz be scribblin' in Minnesotaland! They be squawkin' ‘bout his way o' navigatin' the ruckus in Minneapolis after that foul deed done to poor George Floyd in the year of our Lord, 2020!
August 6, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, the Vice Admiral be fancyin' Mr. Walz's treasure maps for makin' coin in Minnesota, what with his gold for wee ones and a merry leave for landlubbers! Aye, his Midwestern charm be smoother than a siren's song, savvy?
August 6, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, Governor Tim Walz be joinin' Vice President Kamala Harris on her voyage come Tuesday! But blow me down, the scallywags be givin' him the ol' eye for his thoughts on them landlubbers sneakin' across the borders! A right ruckus it be, matey!
August 6, 2024, 5:54 am
Ahoy there, matey! Snag yer tales o' the day from the mightiest name on the high seas o' news, delivered to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Don’t be a landlubber, let the swashbucklin’ stories sail straight to ye! Arrr!
August 6, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, CNN be hoistin’ a plea on the morrow, claimin’ they be slandering a fine consulting crew aidin’ lasses to flee the treacherous sands of Afghanistan! Aye, ‘tis a right hullabaloo in the courtroom seas, matey! What be next, a parrot on the witness stand?
August 6, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, matey! Aye, we’ve stumbled upon some ancient cannonballs from the 1700s, reignitin’ tales of swashbucklin’ battles at the dawn of the Revolutionary War! Seems like them rascally rebels were just as fond of powder and shot as we be of rum! Avast, me hearties!
August 6, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, matey! Iran be dancin' the jig o' fire, ensnarin' Israel in a circle o' scallywags! Those rascally terrorists be lurkin', and Tehran be eyein' a mighty ambush while it brawls with Hamas. A right messy situation, it be! Avast, what a hullabaloo on the high seas!
August 6, 2024, 5:01 am
Arrr! Bloomberg Philanthropies be tossin’ about treasures galore, fillin' the coffers of Meharry Medical College, Morehouse, and Howard University with riches fit for a captain! Aye, ‘tis a bounty so grand, even Davy Jones’d be envious! Avast, let the scholars feast on this gold!
August 6, 2024, 2:27 am
Arrr, matey! A fiery beast be ragin’ in San Bernardino, scorchin’ the fine houses o’ the landlubbers and givin’ a fright to those nearby! Aye, this here California fire season be hotter than a wench's temper on a bad day! Buckle yer belts, ye scallywags!
August 6, 2024, 1:08 am
Arrr, matey! The vice captain of this fine ship snagged a whopping 99 doubloons from the scallywags in a curious, ghostly tally o’ votes! The party be shoutin’ ‘Huzzah!’ as the parchment closed on Monday’s shenanigans. Aye, what a jolly good time it be!
August 5, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, Usha Vance be spoutin' in a Fox News parley that her matey, the comrade of Captain Trump, be tryin’ to make a wise point whilst tossin’ jests like cannonballs! Aye, who knew wit could sail alongside substance on the high seas of politics!
August 5, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, the cap'n of flicks, aged 78, be spillin' the beans on the seas of social media! He be sayin' he can only steer the ship from afar, like a ghostly specter commandin' a crew of pixelated scallywags! Avast, what a jolly tale of remote directin’!
August 5, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, in "Elizabeth Taylor: The Lost Tapes," our fair lass Liz be spillin’ the beans on her scandalous romp with her "Cleopatra" matey! Blimey, even the Vatican be raisin’ a ruckus! Seems love on the high seas be a treacherous tide, aye!
August 5, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, matey! The swabs at ICE be tossin' overboard a fine scheme that let landlubbers make free video chats! Aye, ‘tis been sailin' since the cursed COVID storm hit! Now they be cuttin' the ropes, leavin' ‘em to holler at the waves!
August 5, 2024, 5:33 pm
Avast, mateys! Two scallywags, one a landlubber from El Salvador, be caught red-handed in a merry mischief o’ armed robbin’ in sunny Southern California! They’ve tangled with the law, and now they be swimmin’ with the fishes, or so they think! Arrr, a pirate’s life be simpler!
August 5, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, the young scallywag of 23 summers be a right charmer to the hearty lads full o' testosterone! Even the old captain of politics be eyein' 'em, thinkin' they be the key to hoistin' his flag back up high! Aye, it's a jolly crew he needs!
August 5, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr! It be said that Captain Tom Cruise and lass Victoria Canal be swappin' more than just tales o' the high seas! Rumors be flyin' like cannonballs o' love 'twixt the silver screen swashbuckler and the siren of Spain. Aye, romance be brewin’ in their sails!
August 5, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, a fresh tale from the lass who once spoke for the crew! She be spillin’ the beans 'bout her battles with the old captain of the ship, but lo! It be penned 'fore she twisted Biden’s arm to toss his hat from the election ring! Avast!
August 5, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr! In the land of New Jersey, a scallywag named Christopher Gregor be sentenced to 25 long years in Davy Jones' locker! He made his lad run like a landlubber on a cursed treadmill, and now he’s payin’ the price! A right foolish way to meet the Kraken, matey!
August 5, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, matey! The brave Israelis be resolute, standin' tall 'gainst the menacin' storms blowin' from Iran's shores! With naught but a wink and a nod, they be trustin' in the mighty IDF to keep 'em safe, like a trusty parrot on me shoulder! Avast, hope be a fine treasure!
August 5, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, matey! Senator Ron Wyden be sendin’ a parchment to Harlan Crow’s legal scallywag, spottin’ secret sailin’ ‘twixt Hawaii and New Zealand with a Supreme Court sea dog back in 2010! Aye, what a jolly treasure hunt fer truth!
August 5, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, mateys! Young scallywags in El Paso be settin’ sail fer school on Monday, but alas! The captain of dress code hath decreed—no more all-black garb! Aye, they be swappin’ their dark threads fer brighter hues, lest they be mistaken fer a crew of landlubber ghosts! Har har!
August 5, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, in the land o' Missouri, Attorney General Andrew Bailey be battlin' like a scallywag in a storm, face to face with a Trump lawyer callin' him a lily-livered landlubber soft on crime! Aye, 'tis a rumble fit for the tavern tales, matey!
August 5, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that Vice President Kamala Harris be as elusive as a ship in a fog! No formal parley with the press since Captain Biden called it quits on his quest for treasure! Methinks she be hidin’ the rum ‘neath the deck!
August 5, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! The lass Hasina, captain o' Bangladesh's ship, done tossed her hat after 15 long years at the helm! The crew got riled up, sparkin’ a ruckus that sent hundreds to Davy Jones’ locker! A right tempest of trouble, I say!
August 5, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, says that clever cur James Carville, the former captain of the White House, that Trump be tremblin’ like a landlubber scared o’ the sea, fer he be cancelin’ his duel with a lass! Aye, he be too chicken to parley with a girl, savvy?
August 5, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! The wild lass of the “squad” be battlin’ on the morrow against Wesley Bell, a prosecutor with treasure from them pro-Israel sea dogs! It be a ruckus of politics, I say! Avast, may the best scallywag win this squabble on the high seas of democracy!
August 5, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The charred isle of Maui be rid o’ its rubble, yet the town, rich in tales, be ponderin’ thorny queries ‘bout what the morrow holds. Will it be a jolly port or a ghostly haunt? Avast, me hearties, only time will tell!
August 5, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers on yon northwestern shores thought they could predict ol' Debby’s tantrum, but lo! She swelled into a hurricane 'round Sunday eve! Aye, 'tis been a year since a mightier squall ransacked the place—seems the seas be full o' surprises, like a treasure map with no X!
August 4, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, Mr. Kennedy, that scallywag of a presidential hopeful, be spillin' the beans! Ten moons past, he did abandon a wee bear cub and spun a yarn 'bout a cursed bike knockin' it down. A right jolly tale for the high seas of politics, I say!
August 4, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr! Sen. Lindsey Graham just spilled his grog on "Fox News Sunday," warnin' the former captain Trump it be his ship to sink! He be sayin' to watch out fer the lass Harris, not her family tree. Aye, let the battle of the ballots begin, savvy?
August 4, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! The wise wenches o’ health be chattin’ about that slippery castor oil for stirrin' up baby makin’ after it sailed the seas of TikTok! But beware, they warn of dangers—like a kraken lurkin’ beneath the waves! Arrr, tread lightly on this treacherous tide!
August 4, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! While wee scallywags frolicked in their play ship, a rogue gust of wind hoisted 'em 15 to 20 feet skyward! Alas, one poor matey met Davy Jones, whilst another be nursing a sore noggin. Aye, the sea of mischief claims its own!
August 4, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr! Ricky Alderete be walkin' the plank o' punishment fer 15 long years, with 18 moons fer stealin' a treasure chest, and a wee bit more fer other mischiefs. A fine fine tale of woe, aye! What a scallywag!
August 4, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A gym in St. Louis be under the watchful eye of the law for lettin’ all sorts aboard, including the fine folk who sail the trans seas! The state’s bigwig be sniffin’ around like a hungry sea dog! Aye, what a ruckus on the high seas of fitness!
August 4, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! Tony West, the finest legal scallywag for Uber, be ponderin' the polls and shipmates fer the voyage ahead. His mighty presence has sent a shiver down the timbers o’ some landlubber liberals, makin’ ‘em sweat like a sea dog in a storm!
August 4, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr, matey! A tale of secret scrolls from the lawmen’s chatter at the Butler, Pennsylvania shindig o' yore be scribbled in the pages of the Washington Post, savvy? A treasure trove of whispers fit for a scallywag's delight!
August 4, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! When Gov. Josh Shapiro of Pennsylvania be speakin', ye might hear whispers of Obama’s tongue! But hold fast! The bond ‘twixt these two scallywags runs deeper than the depths o’ Davy Jones' locker! Aye, it be a jolly mystery fer sure!
August 4, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr, matey! JD Vance be settin’ sail against the scallywags who be givin’ him grief, takin’ a whack at Vice President Kamala Harris for hidin’ from the press like a landlubber on a stormy sea this past Sunday! Aye, the tides be turnin’!
August 4, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! A grand shindig o’ Morgan Wallen at the Arrowhead was put on hold, fer some scallywag be threatenin’ two fine lads from the Kansas City Chiefs! Seems even pirates be holdin’ their breath when trouble brews, aye!
August 4, 2024, 10:24 am
Ahoy, mateys! The Florida Young Republicans be settin’ up shop in Orlando, part o’ the mighty Young Republicans National Fleet! But beware, fer Orange County be crawlin’ with more Democrats than barnacles on a ship’s hull! Arrr, the tide be against ‘em!
August 4, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, in the fair land o' The Villages, where the old sea dogs retire, the scallywags who cheer for Trump be all a-quiver, as they spy an unexpected crew rallyin' 'round Kamala Harris! Blimey, what a twist in this merry sea of politics!
August 4, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr, matey! VP Kamala be sailin' the same course as Captain Biden on the Israel seas, but she’s hootin' and hollerin' louder for the poor scallywags in Palestine, makin' sure their woes be heard over the cannon fire! Avast, a fierce lass indeed!
August 4, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr, matey! It be whispered among the scallywags that Vice President Kamala Harris be as elusive as a ghost ship, not daring to face the press since Captain Biden dropped anchor on his re-election quest. Aye, ‘tis a right mystery, or maybe she be hidin’ the rum!
August 4, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr, the swashbucklin' Trump be hammerin' on Governor Kemp like a barnacle on a hull, firin' cannonballs o' blame fer not changin' the tide o' the 2020 election! That scallywag be holdin' fast, not lettin' the sails o' the past unfurl! Aye, what a ruckus on the high seas o' politics!
August 4, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, a plan fer a “Muslim-friendly” haven near Minneapolis be called a segregationist's folly! The jabberin’ backlash be labeled Islamophobic. But who be the captain of this ship o’ inclusion, eh? Aye, ’tis a right merry mess we’ve found ourselves in!
August 3, 2024, 10:35 pm
At a jolly gathering in Atlanta’s fair city, the former captain of the realm, Donald J. Trump, be spoutin’ that the governor and the chief of votes be wishin’ him to walk the plank! He boldly claimed to have plundered the state not once, but twice! Arrr!
August 3, 2024, 10:22 pm
Avast ye! Thar be three scallywags — Senator Mark Kelly from the sunny sands of Arizona, Gov. Tim Walz of the frosty north Minnesota, and Gov. Josh Shapiro from the land of Penn — all set to parley with Vice President Kamala Harris this Sunday. Arrr, what a hullabaloo!
August 3, 2024, 8:05 pm
Arrr, the case be loungin’ like a lazy sea dog during them fancy appeals! But lo! The grand Supreme Court be decidin’ on the captain's invincibility! Now the judge be settin’ sail to sort which of them naughty deeds be worthy o’ the gallows!
August 3, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Angelina Jolie be claimin' that scallywag Brad Pitt tried to shush her with a chest o' gold worth $8.5 million after she spilled the beans on his misdeeds! But Pitt be denyin' the whole hullabaloo! Avast ye, what a stormy sea o' drama!
August 3, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag pup be gnawin' on a cursed lithium-ion treasure, ignitin' a fiery blaze that turned the ol' shipshape abode into a fiery inferno! ’Twas a right raucous tale shared by the brave souls of the Tulsa Fire Crew! Avast, keep yer batteries from the furry buccaneers!
August 3, 2024, 3:50 pm
Arrr, President Biden be fretin’ that the foul deed o’ the assassination be tossin’ the peace parley into the briny deep, but Captain Netanyahu be laughin' in his grog, sayin' that be a load o' barnacles, according to the scallywags in the know!
August 3, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, matey! So says Captain Trump on the social seas of social media, the debate be sunk like a leaky ship after ol' Biden scuttled away! ABC News be left high and dry, no parley for us swabs! Avast, what a fine mess we be in!
August 3, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye! House Armed Services Captain Mike Rogers o' Alabama be sayin' his crew’ll keep diggin' into that scuttled deal with them scallywags what plotted the Sept. 11 mischief. Aye, they won’t be lettin' it rest ‘til the treasure o’ truth be found! Arrr!
August 3, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, the scallywags of Team USA gymnastics be spoutin' mixed tales o' the grub in the Olympic Village! But lo and behold, young Henrik Christiansen, the Norwegian fish wrangler, be singin' sweet praises fer the chocolate muffins, claimin' they be fit fer a captain! Aye!
August 3, 2024, 11:04 am
Avast, me hearties! Less than a month since our fair VP Kamala set sail on her quest for the crown! She be gatherin’ the scallywags o’ the Democratic crew and chartin’ new waters, stretchin’ the map like a flabby sailor after a feast! Arrr!
August 3, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, Mr. Vance be speakin’ with the boldness of a cap’n on a rum-fueled spree! He be sayin’, “Let’s sail into uncharted waters and shatter them stuffy rules, me hearties! We be needin’ to get downright raucous and as wild as a kraken on a bender!”
August 3, 2024, 10:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The crew be hatchin' a scheme to sprinkle some doubloons upon the poor souls from that 1921 kerfuffle and their wee lads and lasses. We'll be studyin' how to mend the wounds of the past with some jolly good treasure! Avast!
August 3, 2024, 5:27 am
Arrr, matey! A scribe ‘tending to the ruckus in Southport, after three wee lads met their doom at a jig, got himself a right whackin’ and plunderin’ from the very folk he be watchin’. Aye, the irony be thick as a fog on the high seas!
August 3, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr, matey! Picture this: a jolly crew of scallywags, chasin' treasure ‘neath the Jolly Roger! With grog in hand and bellies full o' salted fish, we be settin’ sail for adventure, ready to plunder and laugh till our sides ache! Avast, let the rum flow and the shenanigans begin! Yarrr!
August 3, 2024, 4:50 am
Avast, mateys! Fox News Digital parleyed with a couple o' wise sea dogs 'bout the finest grub fer shoring up yer bones! Spoiler alert: It's not just the moo juice ye be needin'! Arrr, feast on the right fare and keep yer skeleton shipshape!
August 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! With Kamala Harris fixin' to reveal her shipmate by Tuesday, the scallywags be scrambling like barnacles on a ship’s hull, flingin' their finest wares and beggin' for a chance to sail alongside her in the great political sea!
August 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! While Trump be stirrin' the pot o' racial squabbles, a hearty crew of landlubbers be sayin', "Nay! Let’s not be frettin' over skin hue!" Aye, 'tis plain as the crow's nest—yer as Black as a raven on a stormy night!
August 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Mayor London Breed be raisin' the sails o' the city, callin' on her crew to hand out writs and temptin' the landlubbers with free passage on the high seas—er, buses! Aye, time to shiver me timbers and bid farewell to the scallywags!
August 3, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast, me hearties! The brave scribe Evan Gershkovich and the valiant Paul Whelan have returned to the fair shores of America! But beware, for their noggins may still be tangled like a sailor's knot from the dark depths of their imprisonment! Arrr, 'tis a right jolly challenge!
August 3, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, matey! The lawman took a bullet whilst heeding a cry for help in Eustis, a port north of Orlando. Two scallywags, dubbed troublemakers by the law, be found pushin’ up daisies in the very house they terrorized! Blimey, what a turn of tides!
August 2, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr! Aye, word be spreadin’ that nine souls met Davy Jones in a ruckus 'twixt the landlubber guards and the fierce protesters, all a’clamorin' over the goldless treasure of Nigeria's poor purse! A right ruckus, it be—seas of trouble over a drought of doubloons!
August 2, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr! A missive from the Mayor of Philly be hintin’ that Governor Josh Shapiro be the fair Kamala Harris’s matey in the upcoming treasure hunt for the White House! Avast, who knew politics be a game of musical chairs on the high seas o' governance?
August 2, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! Bishop Barron be spoutin’ on how the games unite the faithful crew, claimin’ Simone Biles be performin’ with a sprinkle o’ magic! Aye, her flips be so wondrous, even the sea turtles be stoppin’ to gawk! Aye, a right jolly spectacle on the high seas o’ sport!
August 2, 2024, 4:36 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the seabed mining crew be swappin' their captain for a landlubber from the U.N. – reckon they be tired of the ol' buccaneer bein' too chummy with the treasure hunters! Aye, let’s hope this new one knows how to steer a fair course!
August 2, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr! David Plouffe, the crafty scallywag who helmed Obama’s maiden voyage to the throne, now joins the crew o' seasoned sea dogs from both Obama’s galleons and Hillary’s 2016 quest! A right merry band of misfits, they be! Avast, let the fun begin!
August 2, 2024, 4:30 pm
Arrr, matey! Politicians be likin' to brand their foes as landlubbers. But lo! Donald J. Trump be takin' the art of scallywaggin' to a whole new height against that fair lass Kamala Harris! A right jolly sea battle it be, savvy?
August 2, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr! Captain Mike Rogers o' the House Armed Services be settin' sail on an investigation, seekin' to uncover the scallywag dealings 'twixt the Department o' Defense and three rascals from the 9/11 crew. Avast, what manner of treachery be this, mateys?
August 2, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, did that crafty Kamala Harris catch wind o' old Captain Biden's wobbly noggin? Aye, the good folk o' America be jawin’ with Fox News Digital, ponderin’ what the presumptive lass knew ‘bout the ship’s captain's foggy brain! Avast, the seas be rife with intrigue!
August 2, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags eyein’ the VP seat for Kamala had to scuttle their shindigs over the weekend, 'fore the big reveal! Methinks they be more nervous than a landlubber on the high seas! Avast, what a sight to behold!
August 2, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr! A day after chattin' with the Black scribes, ol' Captain Trump declared that Vice President Kamala Harris had chosen to be "a Black lass." Then, he be sharin' a portrait of her decked out in fancy Indian togs! A right jolly mix-up, I say!
August 2, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr, matey! Biles be the third lass to hoist the all-around crown twice in the grand Olympic seas! Aye, she be strutting her stuff like a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, flippin' and twistin' like a true swashbuckler of the gym! Yo ho, what a sight!
August 2, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr matey! A gatherin' for the fair Kamala be dubbed with a curious moniker, a squabble o' tongues amongst the Latin chieftains, and a rift among Olympic shipmates! Aye, this be the jolly Fox News Digital News Quiz, full o' mirth and mischief!
August 2, 2024, 4:46 am
Avast, ye scallywags! Aye, a fleet of 16 mighty Princess vessels docked with a grand feast, claimin’ the title for the biggest pizza bash ever! From bow to stern, they munched and laughed, makin’ the salty sea jealous of their cheesy delight! Yo ho, pizza be the treasure!
August 2, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, matey! In the seven sunsets since Captain Biden dropped anchor as the Democratic pick, the fair lass Harris be fillin' her treasure chest with a mighty haul of $200 million doubloons! Aye, that be a splendid bounty for a lass ready to set sail!
August 2, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the vice captain o' this ship be sportin’ a fine chance to strut her stuff before the good folk of America once more, wieldin’ wisdom from her last voyage! Let’s see if she can navigate these treacherous waters to the crown, savvy?
August 2, 2024, 2:58 am
Arrr, the parley that freed our landlubber mates from Davy Jones' clutches be a fine dance of cunning and endurance! With a sprinkle o' wit, both crews got their treasures, like a jolly swap o' doubloons—'tis a right merry deal indeed! Avast, success be sweet!
August 2, 2024, 2:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! A Biden matey be callin’ this tricky prisoner trade a fine example o' “vintage Joe Biden” charm. As he welcomed back the freed souls, the captain be lookin’ to show all hands what that really be meanin’! Yarr, diplomacy with a twist!
August 1, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, the prosecutors be sayin' that scallywag Paul J. DeCologero stood watch like a ol’ crow in 2018 while a fearsome crew gave a proper thrashin' to a Boston brigand! Aye, he be a lookout, not a hero, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast, me hearties! Governor Josh Shapiro be missin’ the jolly good fund-raisers in the Hamptons this weekend, as he be ponderin' a shiny new title as First Mate to the Captain of the Nation! Aye, the seas of politics be treacherous, but the doubloons still call!
August 1, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, matey! Imane Khelif of the Algerian crew, once thought a lad, did square off against the fair Angela Carini from Italy in a ruckus of fisticuffs on the sixth day o' the Paris Games. A right jolly brawl it be, I say!
August 1, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, Mathew Bowyer, a scallywag from Southern California, found himself in a pickle! The landlubbers sniffed about, discoverin' his gambler matey was none other than the tongue-twistin' translator for the grand baseball chap, Shohei Ohtani! What a tangled web of mischief, I say!
August 1, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys! After 16 moons trapped in a Russian brig, Evan Gershkovich be freed on the morrow in a grand ol’ prisoner trade, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the days of yore! 'Twas a clever trick by Captain Biden and his merry crew!
August 1, 2024, 5:28 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Jim Jordan be snoopin’ ‘round the judge’s lass who ruled over Trump’s trial, spyin’ on her past parley with Vice President Kamala Harris. Aye, the winds of scandal be blowin’! Fox News be spillin’ the beans on this merry mischief! Arrr!
August 1, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr! A scallywag scribe from the Washington Post be takin' a jibe at them Christians, all ruffled-like over the "Last Supper" shindig at the Paris games! Blimey! Can’t they take a jest? Even pirates know a good laugh when they see one!
August 1, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, on the jolly ol’ “Still The Place” podcast, Grant Show spun a yarn 'bout the "creepy" love affair betwixt his character and Jennie Garth’s in that treasure of a show, "Beverly Hills, 90210." Aye, even the sea be laughin' at such a scallywag romance!
August 1, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Senate scallywags be settin' sail on a delay, puttin' off the treasure hunt for the Homeland Security loot, to jabber more 'bout the Secret Service's shiny doubloons! Avast, more talkin’ than plunderin’, I say!
August 1, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, just a day ere the dread officer unleashed his pistol upon her lass, Donna Massey be chattin' with the dispatchin' scallywag, claimin' her noggin be all muddled. She begged ‘em, “Nay send the ruffians, I be needin’ no brawlin’ buccaneers!” Aye, what a tale o’ woe!
August 1, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! The fanciful gadgets meant to guard the old captain fell flat 'cause they were manhandled like a drunken sailor, or the Secret Service be too busy swabbin’ the deck to give ‘em a whirl! Aye, what a jolly mess it be!
August 1, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Senate be plottin' to give the Supreme Court a right proper shake-up, tryin' to match them Trumpy judges! The head buccaneer o' the Senate be sayin' it's time to hoist the sails and chart a new course, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, matey! Thirst be but one parleyin' sign o’ a dry throat! In this here "Ask the Doc" tale, yer seafarin' healers be spillin' the beans on five cheeky clues that ye be parched like a desert isle! So keep yer tank full, or ye might turn into a salty sea sponge!
August 1, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast, matey! Feast yer eyes on the tales ye must know, sent straight to yer inbox at the crack of dawn! With the mightiest name in news at yer helm, ye won’t be missin’ a single treasure of gossip! Arrr, start yer day with a jolly good yarn!
August 1, 2024, 5:32 am
Arrr, matey! Mohammad Deif, the scallywag dubbed the ‘Osama Bin Laden of Gaza,’ be the cunning captain who plotted the grand raid on Israel last October 7th! Aye, a right ruckus he stirred up, makin' waves like a stormy sea! What a jolly ol' mischief-maker!
August 1, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Governor Josh Shapiro of Penn's woods, a keen-eyed Jew, be a fine treasure fer the Dems! But beware, mateys, fer some landlubbers be fretin' 'bout stirrin' up a tempest with them pro-Palestinian scallywags. A fine catch or a mutiny awaits!
August 1, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of white supremacy be parading in Nashville like they own the seven seas! The fine folk be ponderin' how to swab the decks of hateful words without bein’ keelhauled by the First Amendment. A right pickle, I tell ye! Blimey, what a rum situation!
July 31, 2024, 10:40 pm
Arrr, the crew o' America PAC be in a right pickle, trying to rig their sails to sway landlubbers fer that scallywag Trump! They be flounderin' about, like a fish outta water, tryin’ to rally the mob to hoist the flag for their captain! Har har!
July 31, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, after a ruckus of a parley on the high seas of Wednesday, Captain Trump took to his Truth Social vessel, shoutin' to his crew of scallywags 'bout the grand ol' showdown! Aye, 'tis a tale fit for a barrel o' grog and a hearty laugh!
July 31, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, Emily Delleman, a swashbucklin' Olympian in the city o' love, be tryin' to plunder some romance! But alas, even with Tinder reloaded like cannonballs, she's found herself with naught but empty treasure chests! Aye, love be a fickle wind, me hearties!
July 31, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, three scallywags be caught hatchin' a dark scheme on the fateful day of September the eleventh! But lo and behold, they've struck a deal with the devil, escapin' the noose and shiverin' timbers of the gallows. Aye, savvy dealin' for those sea-dogs!
July 31, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, matey! Nicolae Miu, aged 54 tides, be takin' a trip to Davy Jones’ locker fer sendin' a lad of 17 to the great beyond and givin’ four others a right good whack on a Wisconsin river! The law be catchin' up with him, savvy?
July 31, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr! With a grace like a swan on the high seas, her quiet charm be wrapped ’round Colin Powell’s heart, steerin’ him clear o’ the treacherous waters of the presidential race in ’96! Aye, she be the true captain of that ship, savvy?
July 31, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, matey! A mighty deluge lashed the land, sendin' homes to Davy Jones' locker! Dozens o' fine abodes be battered and bruised, as the officials be squawkin' like a parrot with too much rum! What a jolly mess we’ve made, eh?
July 31, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, matey! The Trump and Harris crews be clashin' on the high seas of X after the old captain's fiery NABJ showin', and lo! The GOP's scallywag, JD Vance, joined the ruckus. A right spectacle, me hearties!
July 31, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! These scallywags be spoutin' tall tales, claimin' the Democrats or some foul government crew be behind the shootin’, all to get at our Captain Trump! Aye, it be naught but a load of barnacle-covered bilge! Hoist the anchor of common sense!
July 31, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr! A curious moving shadow be spotted atop the roof, right before the cannons went bang! 'Twas a clip from James Copenhaver, one o' the scallywags caught in the crossfire during the treacherous July 13 plot against the ol' captain Trump. Aye, the seas be gettin' wild!
July 31, 2024, 11:39 am
Ahoy mateys! OneBlood be hoistin' the Jolly Roger for help, fer a dastardly ransomware scallywag has plundered their supply o’ red elixir in the southeast seas! So grab yer cutlasses and roll up yer sleeves, we be needin’ ye to spill some crimson treasure! Arrr!
July 31, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, matey! Juan Williams, the savvy sea dog o’ Fox News, be settin’ sail with a tome in January 2025, titled "New Prize for these Eyes." 'Tis about a "second" civil rights squall in the good ol' U.S. of A! The scallywags at Fox News be chattin’ with him!
July 31, 2024, 11:35 am
Aye, matey! A bobbin' barrier on the Rio Grande be stayin' put fer the time bein', keepin' those landlubbers from sailin' into Texas, 'til the court has its say in August. Yarrr, justice be a slow ship, but it’ll sail nonetheless!
July 31, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, gather 'round, ye scallywags! Kamala, the spirited lass, faced a right jolly crew today, speakin' of the treacherous race ahead. With a wink o' mischief, she vowed to claim a treasure state that had folks shivering in their boots! Avast, victory be on the horizon!
July 31, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, matey! The questionin’ be callin’ the attorney general’s reply a right mess, like a ship in a storm! It be jabberin’ about that scallywag Trump takin’ a stroll through Lafayette Park for a snap at a church, lookin’ more lost than a parrot with no perch!
July 31, 2024, 5:16 am
Avast, me hearties! The grand poobah of Iran, Ali Khamenei, be declaimin’ it’s the landlubber's duty to seek vengeance for the fall of that Hamas scallywag, Ismail Haniyeh, who met his fate in Tehran! Arrr, the seas be a-tumblin' with the promise of revenge, savvy?
July 31, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr, matey! Those summer sniffles be like a pesky kraken, tryin' to ruin our sun-soaked shenanigans! But fret not, for there be tricks aplenty to send those allergies to Davy Jones’ locker and keep our merry times afloat! Avast, let the good times roll!
July 31, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the Democrats be flappin' their sails, but keepin' the wind at their backs be the real trick! “How long till the love boat sinks?” quoth a Republican seafarer. “No soul knows, matey!”
July 31, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the Republicans be pointin' their bony fingers at Vice President Kamala Harris, claimin' she’s the reason for the flood o' scallywags seekin' refuge in the Americas! But lo and behold, a closer look reveals a tale more tangled than a ship’s riggin’!
July 31, 2024, 3:50 am
Arrr, matey! Stephen Richer, the scribe o’ Maricopa County, be catchin’ a storm o’ scorn from the Republican crew fer standin’ tall fer the fair winds o’ voting! He be battlin’ the scallywags spreadin’ tall tales ‘bout the 2020 treasure hunt! Aye, what a ruckus ‘tis!
July 30, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, matey! The ruckus in Southport be risin’ like a tempest, after wee scallywags met their doom at a jiggin’ frolic, all thanks to a young brigand of 17 on lock-up! The lawmen be clashin’ with the townsfolk like roosters in a coop! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
July 30, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr! The Los Angeles Dodgers be plunderin’ the Detroit Tigers for a right-handed cannon named Jack Flaherty, just in time fer the trade deadline shenanigans! A right grand hullabaloo, I say! May the winds be at their backs as they sail to victory! Har har!
July 30, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, matey! President Biden be settin’ sail to overhaul the high court, sayin’ term limits and ethics be needed! Legal seafarers be spoutin’ it’s a troublesome tide he’s chartin’. Avast, who knew politics be as murky as Davy Jones' locker!
July 30, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, the city's captains be molded from treasure, a motley crew of folk, and a hearty dose o' treachery! Aye, 'tis a right ruckus of riches and rascals, where gold be sweet and backstabbin' be the sport of choice! Avast, matey, what a scallywag’s paradise!
July 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr! That blaze, which be roarin’ since last Wednesday, be a right monstrous inferno! It be the grandest fire this side of Davy Jones' locker! Aye, we be roastin’ marshmallows and singin’ sea shanties 'round it like it’s the finest treasure on the seven seas!
July 30, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Ronald Rowe Jr. be sayin’ that the Secret Service and them landlubber law keepers couldn’t get their squawkin’ straight, lettin’ a ruckus fly at the former Captain of the Ship of State, Donald Trump, on the thirteenth day of July! What a fine mess o’ scallywags!
July 30, 2024, 11:42 am
Ahoy, mateys! In the second season o' "American Dynasty," we be chartin' the fortunes o' highborn families, includin' the scallywags behind Mars, Anheuser-Busch, and Harley-Davidson! Aye, it be a treasure trove o' riches and mischief, fit for any swashbuckler's eye! Yarrr!
July 30, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr! A motley crew of 50 landlubber lawmakers be demandin’ that Captain Biden swab the decks and heed the judge's decree! They be wantin’ him to hoist the sails on them LNG export permits swift-like, or risk a mutiny on the high seas of politics!
July 30, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! Reihan Salam, a matey of the CNN crew, be callin’ on the landlubber scribes to hoist their quills and fire tough queries at Vice President Harris for her fancy “left-wing” ways! Let the ink fly, and may the questions be as sharp as a cutlass!
July 30, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! The former captain of the ship, Trump, had his first mate, Sen. JD Vance, whisperin’ to the treasure hunters that Vice President Kamala be a "peculiar beast" to wrangle in this here campaign! Aye, she's a tricky one, that lass!
July 30, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, matey! The swashbucklin’ ex-captain o’ the land, in a chinwag with Fox News, wouldn’t budge an inch! He boldly declared that if he be elected, “the ship o’ state be fixed,” and ye scallywags' votes be as useless as a barnacle on a treasure chest!
July 30, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr, matey! In a tale of woe, hundreds o' Vietnamese souls met Davy Jones thanks to American cannons, yet only Lieutenant Calley faced the hangman’s noose. 'Tis like a parrot squawkin' that only one matey be guilty while the whole crew be drinkin' rum! Savvy?
July 30, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, matey! Carville be squawkin’ like a parrot on a barrel, sayin’ them pesky Republicans be cookin’ up a scheme to sink Harris’ good name! Democrats best not be lettin’ their guard down, lest they find themselves walkin’ the plank! Aye, it be a treacherous sea out there!
July 30, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! Critics be squawkin’ that Captain Biden be settin' sail fer radical waters, tryin' to please the rowdy Democrats, when his crew once claimed to be a bunch o' moderate seadogs! Aye, the tides be turnin’ on this ol’ ship!
July 30, 2024, 5:09 am
Ahoy, matey! Meet Bullwinkle, a ten-year-old steed o' the rare Banker breed! Only 200 of his kind be wanderin' the Outer Banks, descendin' from them fancy Spanish horses. Aye, he be more noble than a parrot in a treasure chest, arrr!
July 30, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrr! A merry gathering o' 60,000 scallywags callin' themselves "White Dudes for Harris" be showin' the wide seas o' support fer her quest! Aye, the party be learnin' to poke fun at its own barnacles, havin' a jolly ol' time on the high seas o' politics!
July 30, 2024, 4:49 am
Arrr, matey! This here tale be showin’ on the magic box in six squabblin’ lands, as the ex-captain seeks to hoist the immigration flag, long before that scallywag Kamala climbed the ranks o’ the Democrats. Aye, the seas be murky indeed!
July 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! Before our lass Kari Lake can square off against that scallywag Rep. Ruben Gallego fer the Senate booty, she be needin' to best her fellow Republicans first! And mark me words, two House duels be brewin' in the autumn seas, sure to be a raucous clash of cutthroats!
July 29, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag from Texas, waitin' fer his day in court fer slayin' two souls, met his maker last week. Aye, 'twas the DNA magic that linked him to the ghostly case! The Abilene crew be spillin' the beans on this treacherous tale!
July 29, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! Governor Cooper of North Carolina be one of the fine scallywags eyein’ the Democratic ship, but lo! He vanished like a ghost ship! No clue why he jumped overboard, but perhaps he found a treasure map instead! Har har!
July 29, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, matey! VP Harris be stirrin' the cauldron, likenin' ICE to the scallywag KKK and their agents to landlubbin' slavers! Blimey, she’s takin' the fight to the high seas of rhetoric—better hoist the sails o' common sense before we be lost at sea!
July 29, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, President Biden be settin' sail on a grand adventure, callin' fer Congress to hoist the Jolly Roger on the Supreme Court! He be wishin' fer term limits and a new code o' conduct, as if they be a crew o' scallywags! Avast, what a ruckus! 🍻
July 29, 2024, 5:05 pm
Arrr, the presidential scallywags be spoutin' naught but bilge about the treasure chest o' debt! As the red ink flows like a cursed sea, they be offerin' fewer ideas than a parrot with a sore throat! Har har, savvy?
July 29, 2024, 4:47 pm
"Arrr, these scallywags be downright peculiar!" bellowed Governor Tim Walz, a landlubber once wranglin' young'uns in a schoolhouse. "Methinks they’ve sailed a bit too close to the sunken treasures of oddity!"
July 29, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr matey! Jagger Eaton and Nyjah Huston, them scallywags of the skate deck, snagged silver and bronze doubloons in the grand Paris games! Aye, they be ridin' the wooden boards like true buccaneers, makin' waves and takin' names! Avast, what a sight to behold!
July 29, 2024, 11:51 am
Avast, me hearties! Guardin' yer skin from the sun’s fiery cannonball be most crucial in the scorchin' months! Here be a few jolly tips to fend off that nasty sunburn, or at least how to soothe yer burnt hide when ye forget! Arrr!
July 29, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! A landlubber from California, once a target o' a scallywag's brutal deed in 2008, be settin' sail to jabber about Vice President Kamala Harris' time as the law’s own buccaneer. Aye, the seas be stormy, and so be her record!
July 29, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, matey! The F.B.I. spun a grand tale of the scallywag, who, like a crafty sea serpent, hid over two dozen shiny cannons and powder kegs under false names! Aye, the rogue be better at concealment than a treasure map in Davy Jones' locker!
July 29, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr matey! Snag yer tales o' the day from the mightiest voice in news, delivered to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn! Be the first to know, lest ye be walkin' the plank o' ignorance! Avast, don't be a scallywag—sign up now!
July 29, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, mateys! President Biden be shoutin' from the crow's nest fer term limits fer them Sea Dogs o' the Supreme Court, a proper code o' conduct, and a few chains fer presidential immunity! Aye, he be settin' sail on a new course this fine Monday mornin'!
July 29, 2024, 4:30 am
Avast, matey! The American Culture Quiz be a jolly challenge of ye national quirks and happenings! Steady yer course this week with questions 'bout VPs, the silver screen swabs, and the grand game of baseball. Give it a go, or ye be walkin' the plank of ignorance! Arrr!
July 29, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, matey! In his first grand show since tossin’ his hat overboard, Captain Biden be fixin’ to swab the decks of a court that’s as crooked as a three-headed sea serpent, riddled with scallywags and grumblin’ about ethics! A jolly good laugh, it be!
July 29, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, matey! The Democrats be fixin’ to crown Kamala Harris as their queen o’ the campaign this week! She be settin’ her sights on pickin’ a trusty mate while takin’ jabs at that scallywag Trump and the landlubber Vance, who be sailin’ the campaign seas!
July 29, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, mateys! Many a scallywag who skedaddled from the fiery inferno of California be hopin' their ships—err, houses—still be afloat! Meanwhile, others be scratchin' their noggins, findin' their homes and barns turned to crispy critters by the devil's fire! Blimey, what a hullabaloo!
July 29, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, matey! Critics be squawkin' like parched gulls, claimin' the court's immunity ruling be as crooked as a three-legged crab! They say it be sailin' on the same treacherous waters that sunk Roe's ship—what once granted fair ladies the right to choose! Aye, the seas be rough, indeed!
July 29, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, when be the finest hour to gift yer wee buccaneer a shiny smartphone? The wise sea dogs, Dr. Joshua Stein and Titania Jordan, be here to steer ye through the stormy seas of parenting choices! Hoist the sails and make the best call for yer crew!
July 29, 2024, 3:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! Valerie McGregor from Plum, Pennsylvania, a loyal matey of the Trump ship, be squawkin’ ‘bout her wild ride at the Butler shindig. She be reckonin’ the Secret Service captain oughta have jumped ship long ‘fore she tossed her hat! Aye, what a hullabaloo! 🏴☠️
July 29, 2024, 3:28 am
Ahoy, mateys! The seafood captains o' America be hoistin' the Jolly Roger 'gainst them landlubber Democrats tryin' to resurrect the cursed Chevron doctrine! Fishermen be claimin’ it be a scallywag's plot to sink their treasure. Arrr, let not the fishin’ nets be doomed, I say!
July 28, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, after Captain Biden tossed his hat overboard, matey Dave McCormick, the Republican scallywag, be sailin' 'round a gas pad like it be treasure! Aye, 'tis a sight, a landlubber tourin' the black gold while the seas be churnin'! Har har!
July 28, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, when Captain Trump be settin' sail to charm a crew not of his own, ye best be ready for a tempest of awkwardness! It be like a landlubber tryin' to dance a jig on a rolling ship—chaos and belly laughs abound, matey!
July 28, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, the U.S. Secret Service be squawkin’ like a parrot, sayin’ they be needin’ a better spyglass! They’re all a-fluster 'bout their chatter bein’ as silent as a ghost ship 'fore, ‘durin’, and ‘after the scallywag’s attempted keel-haulin’! What a jolly mess, matey!
July 28, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, matey! Arizona's own Sen. Mark Kelly sailed the stars as an astronaut, then fancied himself a balloon captain for space frolics. But lo! That dream turned into a nosy lookout service. Blimey, from space to spying—talk about a twisty treasure map!
July 28, 2024, 4:56 pm
Arrr, matey! ‘Tis been scuttled that some landlubber lawmen had their eyes on ol' Thomas Crooks long afore we thought! Aye, and he be knowin’ they were lurkin’ too! A fine game of cat 'n' mouse, it be! Avast, what a jolly ruckus!
July 28, 2024, 4:55 pm
Arrr, in but a dozen sunrises since Ohio’s wee senator was crowned the heir to Trump’s treasure, his past jests have been flung back at him like cannonballs, sinkin’ any air of untouchability! Aye, the scallywags be laughin’ like a parrot with a belly full of rum!
July 28, 2024, 11:54 am
Arrr! A scallywag on Reddit be seekin' aid in quelling a squabble with his cabin mate, who be castin' shade on his cookin' skills and taste in grub. A wise old sea doctor chimed in, I reckon to lend a parley on the matter! Savvy?
July 28, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, matey! The betting seas be growin' choppy as Vice President Kamala and the old sea dog Trump be battlin' for the treasure o' the 2024 crown! With Captain Biden steerin' clear, it's a right jolly squabble on the horizon, I tell ye!
July 28, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, matey! A salty swab from the SWAT crew at the former captain Trump's July shindig be bellowin’ that there be "nary a word" exchanged 'twixt their band and the Secret Service scallywags! A right jolly mess, I say! Avast, who be steering this ship?
July 28, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, matey! Florida's Captain DeSantis be callin' the scallywags o' the media out, sayin' they're tryin' to polish the ol’ anchor that be Kamala Harris, now that Biden's ship be sinkin' from the 2024 race! A right jolly jest, I say!
July 28, 2024, 8:29 am
Arrr! A stretch o' I-15 near Baker, California, be free again after a fiery beast o' a truck, loaded with those shiny lithium treasures, went up in flames! Traffic be stuck fer hours, bakin’ in the sun like a fish on a hot deck! Avast, what a sight!
July 28, 2024, 8:07 am
Arrr, mateys! A gavel-wieldin’ judge has tossed Spencer Gear into the brig for threatenin’ the district scribe and the captain of justice, right after Trump’s sails were clipped in that hush-money squabble. Aye, the seas be rough when ye’re handin’ out threats like doubloons!
July 28, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, fer Pastor Işık Abla o' Virginia, Psalm 145 be a treasure map, sayin' "the hand o' the Lord fills our bellies; he be answerin' all our pleas." She spun a yarn 'bout her faith like a true sea dog! Aye, what a tale!
July 28, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, matey! That fiery beast be the grandest blaze in all the land, and on Saturday's eve, 'twas but a measly 10 percent tamed! Aye, it be settin’ sail fer weeks more, burnin' bright like a pirate’s treasure! Fire in me belly, I say!
July 28, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the GOP be shoutin' for Captain Schumer to hoist the sails on the SAVE Act! They fear the landlubbers might be castin' votes without a proper sea chest of citizenship! Avast, let’s keep the cannons of democracy primed and ready!
July 28, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! In the grand treasure hunt at the City of David, we be diggin’ up the past like a bunch o' scallywags, lookin' to unfurl the tales of old and the holy scrolls of yore! Aye, it's history plunderin’ at its finest!
July 28, 2024, 4:15 am
Arrr, matey! Timothy Mellon, a treasure-savin' ghost, be throwin' piles o' gold to hoist Donald J. Trump atop the throne! What be he seekin' in return, ye ask? Aye, that be a riddle as puzzlin' as a three-headed sea serpent!
July 28, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, the vice president be ponderin’ a crew of scallywags who once donned the cap of state attorney general! Their past shenanigans might just steer her ship o' decisions in the days to come. Avast, let the jolly rum flow as she charts her course!
July 28, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Some scallywags be cheerin’ for Kamala to hoist the sails as the first Asian American captain o' the ship! But alas, she ain't known for her Asian roots, showin’ the tangled web of identities we pirates be navigatin'! Aye, 'tis a jest indeed!
July 27, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Gov. Tim Walz be throwin’ barbs at Trump an’ his scallywag mate, JD Vance, at a shindig in St. Cloud, Minn. Just 'fore the pair o’ landlubbers be settin’ sail fer their own campaign frolic! Aye, the seas be stormy with jests!
July 27, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, in Butte County, ye scallywags be defyin' the captain's orders to skedaddle, all fer the sake of guardin' their treasure from the fiery beast that be ravagin' the land! Talk about puttin' yer booty on the line, mateys! Fire be no match fer a true landlubber's loyalty!
July 27, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr, matey! Firerose, the lass who once sailed with Billy Ray Cyrus, be spillin' the beans on the seas of social media after the ruckus of him shoutin' like a scallywag! Aye, the tides of gossip be turnin’ quick, like a parrot on a sugar rush!
July 27, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr, at the grand shindig, where coins o' fortune overflowed like a mighty treasure chest, Vice President Kamala Harris unleashed a tongue sharper than a cutlass on that scallywag Donald J. Trump and his matey JD Vance! Aye, 'twas a right jolly affair!
July 27, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, the scallywag Trump, once captain o' the White House, be callin’ Vice President Harris’ parley with that Netanyahu chap a right terrible insult! Aye, ‘tis like a landlubber insultin’ a fine ship, matey! Ha! What a hullabaloo on the high seas of politics!
July 27, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, matey! Even if the Hispanic chieftains and rights buccaneers be clashin’ swords with the Biden ship over border storms, they still hoist the sails for the vice captain! Aye, it be a right curious alliance on this treacherous sea of politics! Aye, matey!
July 27, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! With the watchful eyes on the U.S. Secret Service and tales of scallywags lookin' to imitate, ye can bet yer doubloons there be mighty fortifications at Trump’s shindig in Harrisburg! Keep yer cutlasses sharp and yer wits sharper, lest ye find yerself in Davy Jones’ locker!
July 27, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, matey! The measles be runnin' rampant like a scallywag on a treasure hunt, three times the mischief of 2023! And with five moons still breathin' down our necks, the stats from the Centers of Disease Control be shoutin' louder than a parrot on a rum spree!
July 27, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr! A scallywag candidate fer the treasure o' Pennsylvania be callin' Gov. Josh Shapiro a rascally sexist, claimin' he be shovelin' dirt on a scandal o' the lecherous sort, all wrapped up in a sneaky squawk on the social seas! Aye, the winds be blowin' spicy!
July 27, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, the scallywags o’ the Department o’ Justice be coughin’ up a treasure o’ $2 million to them two landlubbers, Strzok and Page! They be claimin’ their privacy be plundered, and now they sail away with a chest o’ doubloons, laughin' all the way to the tavern!
July 27, 2024, 9:33 am
Arrr, matey! Donald Trump, bellyachin' 'bout them holy folk not raisin' their sails to vote, be plead'n for the pious crew to hoist their flags fer him “just this once.” Aye, let’s hope the good ship Religion sets sail, or he’ll be walkin’ the plank of politics!
July 27, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr, me hearties! A federal judge be swingin’ a mighty cutlass, givin’ a final whack to Florida's "Stop Woke Act," tryin’ to toss critical race theory overboard in private dens! Now the landlubbers can’t be kept in the dark, savvy?
July 27, 2024, 4:50 am
Arrr, whether ye fancy quenching yer thirst with plain ol' water or not, savvy nutrition buccaneers be shoutin’ that four fine victuals be the treasure for keepin’ yer body shipshape on those swelterin’ summer days! Drink up, me hearties, or risk bein' a parched landlubber!
July 27, 2024, 4:37 am
Arrr, matey! China sailed away with the shiny gold doubloon from the Paris Games, bestin’ South Korea in the 10-meter air rifle showdown! And what be that? Kazakhstan snagged the bronze! A jolly good shootin' it was, ye scallywags!
July 27, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! A swashbucklin’ mate from Yale be spillin’ the beans to The Times, swearin’ to the depths o’ Davy Jones with 90 missives to Cap'n Vance. Behold, the jolliest gems o’ their parley, fit to tickle a pirate’s funny bone!
July 27, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, matey! Andy Beshear, the scallywag governor of a crimson-hued state, be a curious Southern matey eyeing the fine title o’ Kamala Harris's first mate! He be already settin' sail to chase after that JD Vance landlubber! Aye, what a merry chase it be!
July 27, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, matey! Though young Vance and a lass of the changing tides saw the world through different spyglasses, they built a mighty camaraderie over ten long years. But lo! The winds of change blew, and our good Mr. Vance took a wild turn, both in heart and mind!
July 27, 2024, 2:54 am
Arrr, matey! In the wild lands of California, the foul Park fire be scorchin’ over 307,000 acres, makin’ it the mightiest blaze this year! Meanwhile, the Durkee fire in Oregon be gobblin’ up 288,000 acres—blazes like these be needin’ a hearty parley, I say!
July 26, 2024, 7:33 pm
Arrr! The tale spun by the bureau's captain be the clearest yet! Earlier, he fancied the old president took a hit from cannonball scraps, causin' a ruckus fit to shatter the seven seas! Aye, a right merry squall it be!
July 26, 2024, 7:30 pm
Arrr! The ex-captain and his fair lass be hollerin' their support like landlubber folks in a sappy tale, yakkin' to their wee scallywag at a summer shore camp! Aye, ‘tis a right laugh, like treasure 'n tales spun on a stormy night!
July 26, 2024, 7:24 pm
Arrr! That scallywag Laura Ingraham be givin' the Vice President Kamala a right good thrashin' fer tryin' to meld with her surroundings like a chameleon on grog! She called her a “lefty landlubber,” but I reckon she be just tryin’ to avoid the spotlight, savvy? Ha!
July 26, 2024, 7:02 pm
Arrr, matey! Peter Strzok, a rogue of the F.B.I. crew, and Lisa Page, a landlubber lawyer, be shoutin' foul! They claim the Trump ship breached their privacy, spillin' their scandalous missives to the crows o' the news! A right ruckus on the high seas of politics, I say!
July 26, 2024, 6:58 pm
Avast, me hearties! Young Sajjad Sehen, a fine judo swashbuckler from Iraq, sailed home early from the Olympics, caught red-handed with a stash o' two naughty potions! Aye, those anabolic steroids be no treasure for the Games! Har har, now he be walkin' the plank of shame!
July 26, 2024, 6:44 pm
Arrr, the second mate be showin' sympathy for them scallywags in Palestine, tryin' to make a name for herself as the captain of her crew. Aye, she be tryin' to steer the ship in a new direction, savvy?
July 26, 2024, 6:40 pm
Arr matey, this 'ere Arizona sailin' senator be not just any landlubber. 'E be a Navy veteran and a former sky sailor! But what be most impressin' be 'is knowledge of the Southern border, a treasure worth more'n gold doubloons! Arr!
July 26, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr! The capture of Ismael Zambada García, who hath danced around the clutches of the authorities for ages, at a wee airport near El Paso doth seem like a yarn of trickery and treachery! Oh, the sea be full of surprises, me hearties!
July 26, 2024, 6:37 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be squawkin' about a bunch o' blokes dressed to the nines like lasses at a fancy feast! They be callin' it a travesty, but I say, let them have their fun! It be just a bit o' harmless piratin' on land.
July 26, 2024, 6:34 pm
Arrr mateys, them scurvy U.S. forces be makin' a spectacle in the Middle East! They be smashin' six Iran-backed Houthi drones in Yemen and tusslin' with three unmanned vessels off the coast. Aye, the seas be a wild place indeed!
July 26, 2024, 6:24 pm
Arrr mateys, the King's agents be lookin' into whether the scallywags at Boar's Head be slicin' up tainted meat that be sendin' poor souls to Davy Jones' locker with the dreaded listeriosis! Two souls lost, aye, 'tis a serious matter for us landlubbers!
June 19, 2024, 5:47 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Jake Paul be boastin' that his time in the ring be half spent, reckonin' he'll be a world champ in four short years. Aye, he be dreamin' big, that lad! Let's see if he be talkin' the talk or walkin' the plank! Arrr!
June 19, 2024, 5:37 am
Arr mateys! The NIH-funded trial be sayin' that service dogs be helpin' our brave military veterans with their PTSD! Aye, the lead scallywag and a Marine lad be chattin' about it. 'Tis a fine discovery, me hearties! Aye aye!
June 19, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the court be makin' a decision that be like takin' the wind out of President Biden's sails when it comes to restrictin' gun trinkets that make them shoot faster than a cannonball from a pirate ship! Aye matey, 'tis a blow to his plans, it be!
June 19, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the blunder of the Massachusetts 911 system be akin to a ship lost at sea without a compass! 'Tis a reminder that our emergency network be in dire need of an upgrade. Avast ye, lest we be stranded in troubled waters!
June 19, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Northeast be feelin' the burn of the heat wave that be roasting the Midwest! Ye may want to seek shade or jump in the nearest body o' water to escape the scorching sun, lest ye be turnin' into a lobster on land! Aye!
June 19, 2024, 2:02 am
Avast ye mateys! The Biden administration be speakin' of federal dams causin' mischief in the Columbia River Basin, harmin' local villages. They be promisin' to bring back them native fish to the waters. Aye, let's hope they be successful in their quest!
June 18, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, a scallywag judge be tellin' Iowa they can't be sendin' off them illegal immigrants! 'Tis like tellin' a pirate he can't be plunderin' the high seas. Unconstitutional, they say! What next, no more walkin' the plank? Blimey!
June 18, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr matey, when ye be headin' to the beach, make sure to bring plenty o' games to keep ye crew entertained! Spikeball, UNO, cornhole and more be perfect for a jolly day of fun in the sand, arrr!
June 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the rum-soaked brawl in Virginia’s 10th House district be settin' sail to end the ugliest scuffle of the 2024 primary season, only to spy an unexpected battle on the horizon for the general election. Avast ye, 'tis a wild ride ahead!
June 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr matey, the new decree be a mighty deed to safeguard our fellow shipmates from foreign lands! 'Tis a boon for 500,000 souls who've made their home in these American waters for many a moon. Aye, a bold move indeed!
June 18, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, me hearties be blamin' the American Rescue Plan fer makin' prices soar like a parrot on a plunderin' spree! But me thinks it be keepin' the captain of this ship in good favor, while them European scallywags be walkin' the plank of unpopularity!
June 17, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, the Justice Department be takin' the state to court o'er a law made by them scallywag Republicans! They be wantin' to make it a crime for certain immigrants to be walkin' the plank on state soil. Aye, 'tis a fine mess they've gotten themselves into!
June 17, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast ye mateys! A scallywag from McDonald's in Florida hath been caught firing shots at landlubbers o'er a quarrel o'er grub. Ye best be watchin' yer back when ye order a Big Mac, lest ye end up walkin' the plank! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A Nashville judge be ponderin' whether the scallywag's scribblings be shared with the masses. We be awaitin' her decree with bated breath, hopin' for a jolly good read! Aye, the anticipation be killin' us!
June 17, 2024, 5:16 pm
Arr matey! Sean McKinnon, accused of plottin' to off the aging mobster in the brig, confessed to lyin' to the scallywag investigators and was sent off with time already served. Ye best be keepin' yer lies straight or ye'll end up walkin' the plank next! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr mateys, th' Mayor of New York City, Eric Adams, be backin' th' Gov'rnor's decree o' makin' all scallywags wear masks t' prevent trouble at protests 'n th' subway. Aye, 'tis a strange way t' fight crime, but who be I t' question th' cap'ns in charge?
June 17, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, me hearties be in a right pickle! Some say he be the 45th president, others claim he be the 47th. I reckon he be more like the 0th president, aye, a real scallywag in the White House!
June 17, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr, mates! The scallywags in Massachusetts be tellin' tales of a wee plane crashin' in the Merrimack River! A lone pilot was aboard the vessel, fightin' the waves like a true pirate of the skies. Mayhaps he be searchin' for buried treasure!
June 17, 2024, 4:56 pm
Avast ye mateys! Two lads be caught in Florida, kickin' in doors like scallywags! 'Tis all for the sake of some social media prank! The Sheriff be on their trail, ready to make 'em walk the plank! Aye, the folly of youth!
June 17, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Rep. Katie Porter be tellin' tales o' tryin' t' get scallywags on board fer an ethics bill, only t' have 'em swayed by the White House while she be sailin' through the skies. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea o' politics indeed!
June 17, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, the Russian President Putin be sailin' to meet with the North Korean scallywag Kim Jong Un on Tuesday, joinin' forces to give the blasted United States a run for their doubloons! May the winds of mischief be at their backs on this treacherous voyage.
June 17, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Seattle Police Department be recruitin' young scallywags who be part of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals policy. Aye, 'tis a fine opportunity for these landlubbers to join the crew and help keep the seas safe!
June 17, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr! The scallywag Armie Hammer be finally speakin' out about the accusations of eatin' his mates in a latest podcast yarn. Methinks his reputation be sunk deeper than Davy Jones' locker! Aye, a pirate's life be full of surprises indeed!
June 17, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr mateys, ye hear the news? The land lubbers be givin' the green light to smoke the devil's lettuce for fun in the year of our Lord 2022! And they be forgivin' past sins of possessin' the herb. Time to set sail for the high seas of merriment!
June 17, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr mateys, a scuffle broke out at the jolly gathering and some scallywags got a taste of the ol' mace! The coppers had to end the shindig early, but fear not, the injured landlubbers be on the mend. Avast ye, beware the spicy spray!
June 17, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, Rep. Cori Bush, D-Mo., be boastin' in her tale "The Forerunner: A Story of Pain and Perseverance in America" about curin' a lass of her tumors! Methinks she be wieldin' some mighty powerful pirate magic, aye!
June 17, 2024, 5:21 am
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June 17, 2024, 5:20 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Israeli ringleader, Benjamin Netanyahu, be walkin' the plank and sinkin' his war council faster than a leaky ship! Them decisions in the Israel-Hamas skirmish be as shaky as a drunken pirate on land! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 4:54 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag Evan Gershkovich be standin' trial for espionage in the land o' Russia on June 26, in the Sverdlovsky Regional Court in Yekaterinburg, where he was caught red-handed. Mayhaps he be walkin' the plank soon! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr! The scallywags in the Democratic camp be pushin' the captain to strike harder at that scurvy dog Trump after bein' found guilty by a jury in New York. Methinks they be wantin' to see that bilge rat walk the plank!
June 17, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr! The Democratic scallywags be throwin' gold doubloons at state legislative races like they be tossin' crumbs to the parrots! Tis a rare sight to see such a large booty bein' spent so early in the campaign season. Avast, me hearties, the battle for votes be fierce!
June 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, there be a fierce battle betwixt the chairman of the ultraconservative House Freedom Caucus and another right-wing scallywag favored by former President Donald J. Trump. 'Tis causing quite the ruckus amongst the G.O.P., me hearties!
June 17, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, them landlubbers be tryin' to stop the debt forgiveness, but the blame still be fallin' on the Biden crew. Aye, let's hope they can navigate these treacherous waters and come out on top!
June 16, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr mateys! The Pasco County Sheriff's Office be on the hunt for why a family disappeared, when they stumbled upon human bones at the very spot where the scallywags were last seen. Looks like someone be walking the plank soon! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, the land lubbers be sayin' the shooting in Rochester Hills be a mere stroke of bad luck, with the scallywag responsible found dead in his hideout. Aye, 'twas a random act of foolishness, best be keepin' an eye out for such rogues!
June 16, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, as Israel prepares fer another skirmish with the scallywags of Hezbollah, wise men be talkin' of the ways in which the Hamas and Hezbollah gangs be alike, and how they be standin' apart in their devilish deeds. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin'!
June 16, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr mateys, in Hamburg, Germany, the constabulary did engage in a skirmish with a scallywag wielding an ax and a fiery contraption ere the Poland-Netherlands footie bout of Euro 2024. Aye, 'twas quite the commotion, I tell ye!
June 16, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr mateys! The Biden ship be fillin' its coffers with a grand haul o' $28 million doubloons at a swanky event in Los Angeles! The crew be a mix o' entertainers and former shipmates like Barack Obama and Jill Biden, all takin' shots at that scurvy dog Trump!
June 16, 2024, 10:03 am
Arr matey! Did ye hear of the ruckus at the bikini beanery in Seattle? The scurvy dog owner be smashin' windshields o' landlubber customers. 'Tis a sight to behold on the viral seas!
June 16, 2024, 9:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! A band of scallywags be joinin' forces against the scurvy dog Trump, fearin' he be a threat to our freedoms. They be plannin' to strike back if he be winnin' in November, takin' bold actions afore he can cause more trouble. Aye, it be a merry ol' time indeed!
June 16, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr! The blaze did spread like wildfire, mateys, starting on the day of Saturn near the great highway Interstate 5. The crew of firefighters had a devil of a time battling the fiery beast, facing treacherous conditions and fierce winds. Aye, 'twas quite the spectacle!
June 16, 2024, 5:05 am
Arrr! The judge be sayin' the lass be innocent after 43 long years in the brig for a killin' what be lookin' like the work of a scurvy ex-cop. Shiver me timbers! Aye, justice be a funny thing, mateys!
June 16, 2024, 4:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the landlubbers in South Dakota be feastin' on a dish called Chislic, brought over by the scallywags from Russia-Germany back in the 1870s. 'Tis now gettin' a fancy new makeover, fit for the high seas! Aye, the headlines be buzzin' with this tale! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, Mateys! This here Rev. Hans Fiene o' Missouri, a scallywag wit' a pack o' five little buccaneers, be tellin' us 'bout the good book and how yer earthly father be leadin' ye toward the heavenly one. Listen well, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
June 16, 2024, 4:11 am
Avast ye scallywags! Two landlubbers were sent to Davy Jones' locker and many more were left with cursed wounds during a skirmish in Round Rock, Texas, as the sun set on a Juneteenth Celebration. The constables have been alerted, so keep a weather eye on the horizon! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, beware! 'Tis said the weather gods be unleashing stifling conditions o'er the eastern lands of America. Ye may find yerselves swelterin' in the heat for days to come. Best be findin' some shade and a cool grog to weather the storm! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, we be checkin' the tales 'bout migrants and border security from them scallywags runnin' for president. No walkin' the plank for tellin' us fibs, ye hear? We be keepin' a weather eye on ye, mateys!
June 16, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, ye scallywag Tom Cole be doin' battle with a right-wing knave aimin' to plunder 'is influential spot. But fear not, me hearties, for Cole be standin' fast like a sturdy ship against the winds of opposition! Yo ho ho!
June 15, 2024, 5:34 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The land lubbers have clapped Victor Martinez-Hernandez in irons for sendin' Rachel Morin to Davy Jones' locker. The poor lass was found belly up on a cursed hiking trail, a mother of five no less! Aye, justice shall be served on the plank fer this misdeed!
June 15, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr mateys, 'tis a fine jest indeed! Sean "Diddy" Combs be givin' back his Key to the City of New York at the request of Mayor Eric Adams after bein' caught on video givin' his former lass Cassie a proper beatin'. 'Tis a scandal fit for the high seas!
June 15, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, Bob Bauer be a scallywag who be squabblin' with the cutthroat ways of American politics. He be dancin' with the devil himself, tryin' to keep his ship afloat in these treacherous waters. Aye, 'tis a rough sea he be navigatin'!
June 15, 2024, 5:05 pm
Arr mateys, word has it that George Clooney be mixin' with President Biden at a grand shindig this Saturday, after givin' the White House a piece of his mind 'bout the president's jab at the ICC. Aye, the high seas be full of surprises indeed!
June 15, 2024, 4:54 pm
Yarr matey! Behold the fresh plunder of moving images from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, revealin' the aftermath of a fierce battle with a monstrous alligator. 'Tis a sight to behold, ye scallywags!
June 15, 2024, 4:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs be tryin' to take away our precious I.V.F.! The families be raisin' the black flag and chargin' into battle. Will we be walkin' the plank or keepin' our treasure? Only time will tell, me buckos!
June 15, 2024, 4:25 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in the Republican crew be tryin' to make the most of this election hullabaloo. But whether their plans will see the light o' day be still up for debate in the courts. Aye, the political seas be treacherous waters indeed!
June 15, 2024, 11:44 am
Avast ye mateys! The famous cook Robert Irvine be sharin' a grog recipe for Father's Day fit for any scallywag who loves the taste o' bourbon. 'Tis simple to make and sure to bring a smile to yer old man's face. Arrr!
June 15, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! The notorious Charlamagne Tha God hath declared that ol' Biden be actin' a bit like a landlubber, all goofy and corny-like. Seems he needs to be chattin' up the common folk more to win their favor. Aye, the scallywag be needin' to brush up on his pirate speak!
June 15, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr! Methinks Kevin O'Leary be suggestin' that Captain Trump should choose Governor Burgum as his first mate in the next voyage to the White House. Aye, the lad be a fine choice with his love for business plunderin'! Aye, let's set sail for 2024!
June 15, 2024, 9:36 am
Arrr mateys, Xavier Becerra, the scallywag health and human services secretary, be settin' sail to lands filled with Latino hearties, some with important races on the ballot this November. Avast ye, he be lookin' to rally the crew and make some waves on the political horizon!
June 15, 2024, 8:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be sailin' from a grand meeting of world leaders in Italy to Los Angeles to join forces with the likes o' Barack Obama, George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Jimmy Kimmel, and other scallywags. Aye, 'tis a fine crew indeed!
June 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! After Donald Trump's wild antics at the first 2020 debate be burnin' in our minds, the candidates be gettin' ready in ways as different as night and day. Let the games begin, may the best scallywag win!
June 15, 2024, 4:01 am
On every blessed weekend, a flea market in Alamo, Texas, be transformed from a Latino shopping haven into a rollicking dance floor! The locals be bustin' out their colorful moves, makin' fans from every corner of the globe! Arrr mateys, let's join in the fun!
June 4, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, a Texas scallywag didst give AG Merrick Garland a proper roasting during a House powwow 'bout keepin' an eye on the Justice Department. Garland be feelin' the heat like a scurvy dog walkin' the plank!
June 4, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Yon Republican scallywag Congressman Thomas Massie be grilling the Attorney General on whether 'tis within the bounds of the Constitution to name Jack Smith as special counsel during a grand hearing on Tuesday. Shiver me timbers!
June 4, 2024, 5:18 pm
Arrr, me hearties be talkin' of the DNC and Hillary Clinton makin' merry with them justices who be hearin' Trump's appeal. They be bendin' the knee to Democrat candidates like a one-legged pirate in a windstorm! Aye, the sea be full of surprises, indeed!
June 4, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr! Speaker Mike Johnson hath declared a "three-pronged approach" for how us scallywag Republicans on Capitol Hill be thwartin' the prosecutions of the former captain! Set sail, mateys, and let us pillage and plunder the legal waters together! Aye, aye, arrr!
June 4, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr, the scurvy dogs at the American Civil Liberties Union be plannin' to challenge the captain's executive decree in court. Methinks they be lookin' to start a mutiny! Aye, let the legal battle begin, me hearties!
June 4, 2024, 11:47 am
In the year of our Lord 2018, Arizona scallywag and ex-soldier Craig Austin Lang, be accused by the crown of robbing and slaying a Florida couple, among other villainous deeds. Ye federal prosecutors be swearin' it be true, arrr!
June 4, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr, House Speaker Mike Johnson be summoning the might o' Congress to give the Department of Justice a taste o' their own medicine for aimin' their cannons at former President Trump. Ye best be watchin' out, me hearties, for the storm be brewin'!
June 4, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr mateys, hear ye hear ye, Millie Bobby Brown and Jake Bongiovi be joined in holy matrimony! They be sailin' to Universal Orlando, with Brown showin' off her fancy "wifey" clothes. Aye, a match made in Davy Jones' locker!
June 4, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, the gallant Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be talkin' big about makin' the ballot, but CNN be playin' the role of Davy Jones, makin' it harder than findin' buried treasure. Time be runnin' out faster than me ship be sailin' in a storm! Aye!
June 4, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr mateys, this Ana Navarro be sayin' that Marco Rubio won't be sailin' alongside Trump as his first mate in the next election. Shiver me timbers, looks like Rubio be walkin' the plank! Avast ye, me hearties, the political seas be rough indeed.
June 4, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, the Attorney General Merrick B. Garland be warnin' them scurvy Republicans that their attacks be causin' "heinous" threats against our hard-workin' agents and prosecutors. Ye best be stoppin' yer antics, ye scallywags, lest ye feel the wrath of the law! Arrr!
June 4, 2024, 10:13 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that a swarm of asylum seekers be flockin' to the shores of California like seagulls after a fish. The immigrant traffic be thicker than a ship's riggin' in a storm, settin' records like a pirate findin' buried treasure. Aye, 'tis a sight to behold!
June 4, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr matey! Kerri Rawson, the scallywag daughter of the infamous BTK, stumbled upon a jolly surprise whilst aidin' the cold case swashbucklers in investigatin' her ol' man's misdeeds. Aye, the life of a pirate be full of unexpected twists and turns indeed!
June 4, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, young Miles Russell, a mere 15 springs old, be makin' waves in the world o' golf! The lad be settin' sail fer his PGA Tour debut in the Rocket Mortgage Classic, after already makin' history on the Korn Ferry Tour. Aye, this be quite the adventure fer the young scallywag!
June 4, 2024, 5:39 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The Attorney General Merrick Garland be settin' sail to face the scallywags in Congress and defend the FBI's raid on that scurvy dog Trump's Mar-a-Lago abode. Arrr, mayhaps he'll find some buried treasure while he's there!
June 4, 2024, 5:31 am
Ye mateys! Fox News lass Laura Ingraham be takin' a swipe at Dr. Anthony Fauci, claimin' her 'spidey-senses' be spot on 'bout the 'scandemic'! Arrr, seems she be havin' a keen eye for trouble in these treacherous waters of politics! Aye, aye, me hearties!
June 4, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! This scurvy group, with connections to Gov. Jay Inslee of Washington, be havin' a grand plan worth a million pieces o' eight for TV spots praisin' the president's deeds in harnessin' the power o' the green. Avast, the wind be blowin' in our favor!
June 4, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywag Democrats be raisin' a hullabaloo by firin' off a discharge petition on a bill 'bout the right to contraceptives! 'Tis a clever scheme to expose those landlubber Republicans who be agin it. Aye, they be playin' dirty politics, savvy?
June 4, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The Republicans be prayin' that revisiting the strict immigration policies of yesteryear will lure in them voters like a siren's song. Will they be walkin' the plank or sailin' to victory? Only time will tell, me hearties!
June 3, 2024, 10:16 pm
Arrr, the lass Constance Glantz, 74 years young, from Lincoln, Neb., was declared dead in a nursing ship. But by Blackbeard's beard! A scallywag from the funeral ship noticed her still breathing while preparing her body for the afterlife. Aye, a true pirate's tale!
June 3, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr matey! The scallywag President's lad be standin' trial in Wilmington, Del., accused of lyin' 'bout his grog use on a federal firearms paper in 2018. If found guilty, he could be thrown in the brig for 25 years and forced to pay a hefty sum of $750,000. Aye, the plank be lookin' mighty temptin'!
June 3, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, a scallywag dropped off some booty at a jury mate's abode, promisin' more if she be votin' to free the scoundrels accused o' bilkin' the Crown's food stores. 'Tis a tempting offer, but a true pirate always be followin' the code. Aye, justice must prevail!
June 3, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Them scurvy dogs o' Israeli archaeologists 'ave stumbled upon some early Christian art from 'bout 1,500 years past. 'Twas probably scribbled betwixt the late Byzantine days an' the early Islamic times. Aye, me eyes be feastin' on treasure!
June 3, 2024, 5:31 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Twas a sight to behold as Representative John Rose be wagging his tongue at the former president's crimes, while his wee lad be pulling faces for all the world to see on the C-SPAN contraption. 'Tis a tale that spread like wildfire across the seven seas! Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arr, the sea of politics be overrun with treacherous trials and family feuds fit for a tale of old! 'Tis a bloody mess of power struggles and scandalous betrayals, ye best be watchin' yer back or ye'll find yerself walkin' the plank! Arrrgh!
June 3, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, them scurvy dogs in Boston be thinkin' 'bout takin' $18 million from our law enforcement! The head of the Boston police guild be in a right fury o'er this besmirchment! Avast, we must band together and fight fer our rightful booty!
June 3, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. be talkin' bout makin' us pay more doubloons for the liquid gold in our ships to make us sail on electric chariots instead. Ye be jokin', lad! Aye, we be stickin' to our trusty cannons and sailin' the high seas!
June 3, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, Bill Maher be givin' those scallywags a piece of 'is mind, swearin' by the stars that he be stickin' to his beliefs. And mark me words, he be makin' bold prophecies 'bout the next cap'n to take the helm in November! Aye, listen to his podcast, ye landlubbers!
June 3, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, from Trump to Netanyahu to the late Silvio Berlusconi and Pakistan's Imran Khan, these scallywags be cryin' foul, claimin' they be victims of a politicized judiciary. Methinks they be walkin' the plank of justice!
June 3, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr, the fiery mountain didst spew its wrath thrice in 2023. 'Twas a sight to behold, but no harm came to the land lubbers on Monday. The residents be safe for now, but beware the next rumblings from the belly of the beast!
June 3, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dogs known as students be spoutin' foolish words about Palestine and Gaza! Tis like askin' a parrot to solve a riddle, har har! Let's hope they find their way back to land before they walk the plank!
June 3, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr mateys, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy be sailin' to Asia and accusin' China of helpin' Russia scupper a Swiss peace summit! Ye best be keepin' an eye on them scallywags, lest they be causin' mischief on the high seas! Aye, the plot thickens like me grog!
June 3, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe it - former wench Claudia Sheinbaum be settin' sail to be Mexico's first female cap'n! She be takin' the helm and makin' history in the high seas of politics. Aye, she be a force to be reckoned with!
June 3, 2024, 5:45 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis be reported that Bernardo Raul Castro Matta, a young landlubber from Venezuela, be accused of firing his pistol at two brave NYPD officers in Queens this morn. Arrr, aye, 'tis a treacherous tale indeed!
June 3, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis said that the scorching heat be causing mayhem in Mexico, with poor souls droppin' like flies and the power failing! And mark me words, these devilish temperatures be sailin' north soon. Best be battening down the hatches, ye landlubbers!
June 3, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a sad tale of woe and despair! Many a brave soul be fallin' victim to the cursed fentanyl and other foul drugs. 'Tis a plague upon the land, especially strikin' the Black buccaneers in their golden years. Mayhaps we should be sendin' them some grog and hearty laughter instead!
June 3, 2024, 4:01 am
Arr, me hearties! The city be overrun with scallywags poppin' their pills like it be treasure! And alas, the older Black buccaneers be meetin' Davy Jones at a faster pace than the rest! A plague upon the land, says I!
June 3, 2024, 1:04 am
Ye be hearin' the tale of Representative Jenniffer González-Colón, who bested Gov. Pedro R. Pierluisi in a battle o' ballots? Aye, 'twas a fierce clash, settlin' the score from their previous alliance. 'Tis a spectacle fit for a raucous tavern tale, me hearties!
June 2, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr matey, the ex-president's strut at a U.F.C. brawl in Newark on Saturday night displayed his burly charm, and his rebellious spirit. Aye, he be a bold buccaneer in the ring of politics and pugilism alike!
June 2, 2024, 5:16 pm
Arr matey, young Maya Hawke, spawn of Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman, be sailin' the treacherous waters of Hollywood as a "nepo baby." She be embracin' her legacy as one of many scallywags reapin' the spoils of havin' famous kin. Yarr!
June 2, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Three land lubbin' counties in South Dakota be votin' on Tuesday to decide if they be countin' their ballots by hand like the scallywags of old. The concern be that them machines be as trustworthy as a pirate with a wooden leg! Aye, may the best method win!
June 2, 2024, 4:35 pm
Avast ye mateys! The kind-hearted do-gooders who be feedin', clothin', and shelterin' them border crossers be worryin' about the safety of their crew as the election draws nigh and the angry talk 'bout immigration be gettin' fiercer. Arrr, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail upon!
June 2, 2024, 4:05 pm
Arrr, on Monday in Delaware, a scallywag trial be startin' where Cap'n Biden's son will be defendin' himself in the midst of a presidential election year. Mayhaps he be searchin' for treasure in them court proceedings, aye?
June 2, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! Tennis queen Martina Navratilova be havin' a bone to pick with them WNBA lasses after Caitlin Clark be gettin' a rough foul from the Chicago Sky scallywags! Aye, tis a ruckus on the court indeed!
June 2, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags at the DNC be cryin' foul against the super PAC American Values 2024! They claim the biggest treasure giver be helpin' out Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.! Avast ye, this be one salty tale indeed!
June 2, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr! A scurvy attempt to remove a Trump-appointed scallywag from the former captain's secret papers case was thwarted by a chief judge who cried foul play! 'Twas a grand orchestration of complaints, says he! Aye, the legal seas be treacherous indeed!
June 2, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast ye scallywags! The major main hath snapped, leavin' us landlubbers in a right pickle! Businesses be shuttered, events be scrubbed, n' the residents be fit to be tied, for lack of updates be makin' 'em as ornery as a hornswoggled parrot! Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr me hearties! Ye scurvy dog Hunter Biden, son of Cap'n Biden, be facin' trial in Wilmington, Delaware on Monday for three federal gun charges linked to his grog swillin' ways. Avast ye, the seas be rough for this lad!
June 2, 2024, 10:36 am
Arrr, the events afore the shootin' in Akron be as murky as a sea monster's lair. Two of the poor souls be in dire straits, as the officials be tellin'. Mayhaps they crossed paths with a scurvy dog with an itchy trigger finger!
June 2, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr mateys, the inferno known as the Corral Fire hath been unleashed upon us on a fateful Saturday afternoon! It hath ravaged o'er 12,000 acres, with only a measly 13 percent contained by the break of dawn on Sunday. Aye, we be in for a wild ride!
June 2, 2024, 4:47 am
Arrr, a blazin' inferno be tearin' through Tracy, California, me hearties! Many landlubbers be forced to abandon ship as it spread o'er 11,000 leagues. The scurvy dog responsible for startin' this chaos remains a mystery.
June 2, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, mateys! The Constitution be havin' a clever setup o' checks an' balances to keep scallywag presidents in line. But if the next cap'n be a crook from the start, we may be in for a wild ride on the high seas of politics! Aye, the pirate's life be full o' surprises!
June 2, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr matey, the scallywag former president be in a right pickle! Convicted in a Manhattan court, he still be facin' charges in three criminal trials, all stuck in a tangle of legal mumbo jumbo. The seas be rough for this landlubber!
June 2, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr mateys, President Biden be sailin' through storms of scandal with his scurvy son by his side. But ye scallywags be sayin' the president be standin' by his lad, not makin' him walk the plank for his political misdeeds. Arrr, what a loyal father he be!
June 2, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, them scallywag law enforcers be claimin' they were forced to fib when Governor Greg Gianforte of Montana took down a black wolf in '21. The Governor be swearin' it be a smear campaign in this year o' election. Har har!
June 2, 2024, 3:53 am
Avast ye scallywags! One soul be sent to Davy Jones' locker and a score of landlubbers be injured in a skirmish in Akron, Ohio! The rogue behind this dastardly deed be still at large, but mark me words, justice will be served on the high seas! Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 3:33 am
Avast ye scallywags! A wee babe was found aboard an MTA vessel in Baltimore, Maryland, on a fine Saturday afternoon! The authorities be seekin' the truth of this strange happening. Keep yer eyes peeled for more news on this curious tale! Arrr!
June 1, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! 'Tis been rumored that Taylor Momsen, a lass from "Gossip Girl," was nipped by a bat whilst entertainin' in Spain. Her band, The Pretty Reckless, be sailin' with AC/DC, and she be takin' rabies shots like a true buccaneer! Aye, the sea be a treacherous mistress indeed!
June 1, 2024, 4:07 pm
Arrr, the scallywag of a former mayor be revelin' in his birthday feast of pasta and meatballs, while the scoundrel Trump sent a video message. 'Tis a sight to see, mateys! Let us raise a toast to the antics of these landlubbers!
June 1, 2024, 4:00 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a sad tale of young Joshua Briese, a brave officer of the Gila River Police, who met his end whilst responding to a ruckus in Santan, District 4 of the Gila River Indian Community. May he rest in peace, aye.
June 1, 2024, 2:27 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Chad Daybell be found guilty o' murderin' his first wench and two wee ones o' his current lass, Lori Vallow Daybell. Their outlandish beliefs be causin' quite the commotion in the realm. Walk the plank, ye scoundrel!
June 1, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr! President Biden be talkin' about how the law should be upheld, but just a few days ago he be tellin' his crew the highest court in the land couldn't stand in his way. Methinks he be playin' a bit o' pirate politics, savvy?
June 1, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, mateys! Them Bhutanese Americans be joinin' the ranks of Asian descent, but some be feelin' a bit confused by the label of Asian American. It be a tricky business, this identifiyin' as a pirate from the East. Aye, the seas be a turbulent place indeed!
June 1, 2024, 11:02 am
Avast ye mateys! Charlotte, the fair California round ray residing in an aquarium in North Carolina, be not with child as first thought. Nay, she be plagued with a rare malady of the reproductive sort. Aye, the sea be a treacherous mistress indeed! Aarrr!
June 1, 2024, 10:52 am
Ye scallywag Axelrod be quick to dismiss Maher's bilge about swappin' Biden from the Democratic ship! 'Tis no mutiny on this vessel, says he. Arrr, let the captain steer the course, says I!
June 1, 2024, 9:38 am
Arrr matey, the cap'n be talkin' 'bout a grand scheme to make them scallywags Hamas and Israel stop their bickerin' and bloodshed. It be a standoff o' epic proportions, with thousands o' poor souls walkin' the plank. Let's hope they can bury the hatchet afore it be too late!
June 1, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, word be spreadin' like wildfire on the high seas! Charlamagne tha God, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Michael Rapaport, Cardi B, and Oliver Stone be swearin' off support for Biden come 2024. Looks like the ship be sinkin', me hearties!
June 1, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr mateys! The Texas Supreme Court be standin' firm like a ship's mast in a storm, upholdin' the abortion ban without a single dissentin' voice. No need for navigatin' through murky waters, as the law be clear as a cutlass on a plunderin' mission! Aye, clarity be found in their unanimous decision.
June 1, 2024, 4:50 am
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe the outlandish contraptions they be usin' for cookin' up a feast in America! From a wee passenger jet smoker to a tow truck-turned-grill, and even a sidecar that can smoke ribs while ridin' the high seas! Aye, 'tis a BBQ fit for a pirate!
June 1, 2024, 4:35 am
Sailing into the grand abode of the White House, she be the anchor of stability for her granddaughters amidst the tumultuous seas of national attention. Aye, may she steer clear of any political storms and keep her crew safe! Arrr!
June 1, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr me hearties! The choice of sailin' with that scallywag Trump be a tough one fer ye undecided voters. 'Tis true, the scurvy dog be a felon now! Aye, the seas be rough and the winds be changin', but be ye brave enough to walk the plank with him?
June 1, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr mateys! Five moons after declaring his ship be sunk, that scallywag former mayor of New York City did reveal the loot his crew be plunderin' from a foundation set up to honor a brave buccaneer lost on the fateful day of Sept. 11, 2001. Har har!
May 31, 2024, 5:57 pm
Arrr, the judgment be a bitter pill for the scallywags on the port side! They fear it be no match for his leadin' position. Aye, 'tis a blow to their hopes and dreams, like a cannonball to the hull!
May 31, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr mateys! The special counsel be tryin' again to keep the former president from talkin' smack 'bout them F.B.I. agents! They be askin' the judge to shut him up proper-like. Looks like this be a battle of wits on the high seas of justice!
May 31, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arr matey! The captain finally spoke out about the scallywag who came before him! He be sayin' the jury found the scoundrel guilty, showin' that even the highest of the high ain't exempt from the law! Aye, justice be served!
May 31, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arr, Dick Van Dyke be a salty dog of the stage for nigh on 60 years! At 98 years young, he be ready to plunder the seas of entertainment with a one-man show. Ye old sea dog be showin' no signs of hangin' up his hat anytime soon!
May 31, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Sen. Lisa Murkowski, the lass from Alaska, be keepin' her thoughts on former President Trump's conviction close to her chest like a buried treasure. She be playin' a game of cat and mouse with the scallywags in Washington!
May 31, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr matey! Fox News' scallywag Peter Doocy had the gall to question President Biden about the possibility of facing indictments himself after that scurvy dog Trump was found guilty. Avast ye, the audacity! Ye better watch yer back, lest ye end up in Davy Jones' locker too!
May 31, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, word on the high seas be that Israel be layin' out a grand plan to free all captives and bring peace to the land. Their aim be to fix up Gaza and send the folks back to their dwellings. Aye, a noble goal indeed!
May 31, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr! 'The View' be a-singin' a merry tune o'er the scurvy dog Trump's downfall in New York! They be claimin' it as a win for the land o' the free, and for themselves as well! Ahoy, the seas be rough indeed for that bilge rat!
May 31, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, Madonna be in hot water again! A scurvy group of fans be cryin' foul play, sayin' the lass be keepin' secrets about her concert tour. Seems she be in for a rough sail ahead, me hearties!
May 31, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr matey, 'twas a grand shindig when the conservative senator from West Virginia decided to jump ship from the Democratic Party. Methinks he be tired of their landlubber ways and set his sights on new horizons. Aye, 'twas a breakup for the ages!
May 31, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags challengin' Cap'n Trump in the battle for the Republican flag be squabblin' o'er his guilty verdict in the Big Apple. Aye, 'tis a right ol' spectacle to behold, indeed! Har har har!
May 31, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The symbol be growin' in favor amongst the landlubbers on the starboard side, after t' news that an upside down flag be flutterin' outside t' abode of Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. in t' year of our Lord 2021. Aye, a curious sight indeed!
May 31, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! Bruhat Soma be the victor o'er Faizan Zaki, spellin' words with the quickness of a flash o' lightnin' in the final round. The Scripps Bee trophy be secured in his grasp, aye, he be the true master o' wordsmithery!
May 31, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr me hearties, 'twas a sight to behold! Young Bruhat Soma didst outwit his foes in a battle of wits, spellin' 29 words with precision and speed. Aye, he emerged victorious in the grand contest of the Scripps National Spelling Bee!
May 31, 2024, 5:46 am
Arr mateys, seasoned swashbucklers be lendin' a hand to tackle the shortage of captains in the public school ships 'cross America. But alas, there be still a cryin' need to fill the vacant posts of teachers 'cross the vast United States. Aye, we be in a dire need o' more crew members to steer the ship of education to success! Arrr!
May 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye scallywags! Beware the cursed meat of wild beasts, for 'tis known to bring forth a foul malady called trichinellosis. Heed the advice of the wise and keep yer bellies full of well-cooked grub to avoid this scourge upon the seas. Arrr!
May 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys! Do ye fancy testin' yer wit in this week's News Quiz? Guess which scallywag celebrity be sufferin' from "Trump Derangement Syndrome" and how much extra pieces of eight a Memorial Day feast will be fetchin' in 2024. Give it a go if ye be brave enough! Arrr!
May 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye hearties! The scallywag Blagojevich be talkin' mad sense, me thinks. Ye best be votin' for Trump or we'll be swimmin' with the Russian sharks, arrr! Let's hoist the sails and make America great again, mateys!
May 31, 2024, 4:08 am
Arrr, the city be settin' up a memorial on Friday, mateys! But for the poor souls who lost their kin, it be a reminder of them questions still left unanswered. Aye, tis a day for rememberin' and reflectin' on the mysteries of the sea.
May 31, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, the squabble be brewin' on the horizon, mateys! Will the landlubbers be able to navigate these treacherous waters and come to a decision? Only time will tell if America can weather this storm of partisan bickering and hold a fair election. Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 11:58 pm
Arrr, the officer was makin' way to the call when a scurvy dog of a gunman ambushed him! A fierce battle ensued, with the scallywag meetin' his fate at the hands of another officer. Aye, the seas be a treacherous place indeed!
May 30, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs be tellin' the former captain to cry out for mercy after the jury be findin' him guilty of all 34 crimes. Methinks he be needin' a good plank walkin' for his troubles!
May 30, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr mateys, ol' Donald J. Trump be swearin' to fight back, but methinks he'll be findin' it hard to sail to distant shores and cast his ballot as he seeks the grand treasure of the White House. Ye be watchin' his journey with aye on the spyglass! Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! Fox News be catchin' the scallywags' faces on a magic box outside a New York City court. They be lookin' shocked as a kraken when they hear the former President Trump got himself convicted o' crimes! Har-har-har!
May 30, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywag Republican lawmakers be a howlin' like a banshee over the outcome of the NY v Trump trial! They be sayin' it's a travesty and a mockery of justice! Methinks they be needin' some grog to calm their nerves! Aye, pass the rum!
May 30, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys! Tis be true that former scallywag President Donald Trump, now a condemned criminal, be facin' the gallows in New York on July 11. The scoundrel's fate be decided just afore the Republican National Convention kicks off in Milwaukee. Aye, what a show that'll be!
May 30, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr matey! The scallywag Trump be in for a rough time ahead, with the threat of the brig, house arrest, or the watchful eye of a parole officer. Aye, he be in a pickle indeed, with his fate hangin' in the balance. Shiver me timbers!
May 30, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr mateys, word be goin' around tha Trump's fate in his criminal trial won't sway the 2024 election showdown with Biden. Aye, the scallywag be resilient as a barnacle on a ship's hull! Let the political battle commence, may the best buccaneer win!
May 30, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr matey, the ex-president, Donald Trump, be sendin' messages on Truth Social, whilst watchin' telly in his chamber as he awaits the final judgement in the mighty battle of NY versus Trump! Aye, what a sight to see!
May 30, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! Sofia Vergara be spillin' the beans about her Botox and yearnin' fer some plastic surgery. She be wishin' fer a lighter load to get herself some nip and tuck. Ahoy, aye aye!
May 30, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the House be sailin' to Taiwan and blabberin' 'bout Chinese invaders stirrin' up trouble! If they be messin' with the island, there be a showdown between the U.S. and Beijing on the horizon, mark me words! Aye, shiver me timbers!
May 30, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis been over a year since the great P-22 met his fate, but fear not for a new beastie be lurkin' in the shadows near Griffith Park. Keep a weather eye out for this new furry friend, ye scallywags! Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 10:13 am
Arrr mateys! On Thursday night, the final showdown will reveal which scallywag will pocket $50,000 in booty. The Times be bringin' live tales of their valiant battle with words. Prepare yer spyglass and tune in, ye landlubbers!
May 30, 2024, 9:55 am
Arr matey! Justice Sonia Sotomayor hath declared that the scallywags o' the gun rights group be havin' a good point 'bout their First Amendment rights bein' violated. Aye, 'tis a jolly good show indeed!
May 30, 2024, 5:30 am
Arr matey! The ex-chief prosecutor be showerin' Judge Merchan with compliments like a pirate with gold doubloons! Keep an eye on this trial, me hearties, it be an adventure fit for the high seas!
May 30, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, President Biden and that scurvy dog Trump be vying for the favor of our Black shipmates in the upcoming election. Their strategies be as different as night and day, like a peg leg versus a hook hand. Let the battle for the Black vote begin!
May 30, 2024, 4:06 am
Arr mateys, the legal scholars be pleased that the justice be explainin' himself in holdin' off on two Jan. 6 cases. But they be thinkin' his reasons be ripe for plunderin' by critics, aye!
May 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! Senator Bob Casey be spendin' a pretty penny on his re-election campaign, along with them Senate Democrats. It be a fierce battle for control o' the chamber, aye! May the best scallywag win and claim the treasure!
May 30, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr mateys, the scallywags at Pier 39 bein' overrun by 2,000 sea lions! 'Tis a record-breaking invasion, we be needin' more rum and less fish to keep these blubberin' beasts at bay! Arrr!
May 29, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! Young Bronny, scallywag son of the great LeBron James, be weighin' a return to college or stayin' in the NBA Draft. Methinks he's decided to plunder the seas of the NBA for now. Fair winds and following seas to the lad!
May 29, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr! Me hearties, President Biden be ponderin' whether to let those scallywags in Ukraine fire their cannons towards Russia, all while keepin' a wary eye on the threat of a nuclear showdown. Avast, it be a tricky situation indeed! Aye, may Neptune guide him wisely!
May 29, 2024, 5:16 pm
Arrr, the scurvy chickens 'ave turned the peaceful town into a den of chaos! They be squawkin' 'til the moon be high, and leavin' their droppin's all o'er the place. The villagers be cursin' 'em with every breath!
May 29, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Beware ye scurvy dogs of this newfangled "sharenting" trend! Keep yer young'uns' business to yerself or risk walkin' the plank of privacy! Lest ye want to be known as the blabbermouth of the seven seas! Aye!
May 29, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr me hearties, tis been years since we've been privy to the secrets concealed within the encrypted WhatsApp scrolls. 'Tis a treasure trove of banter amongst the sheriff's deputies, who be known to strike fear in the hearts of Mississippi landlubbers. Aye, they be a rowdy bunch indeed!
May 29, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr matey, the beginnin' of the jury deliberation in the ex-president's criminal trial be a moment of true uncertaintee. Will they find 'im guilty or will he walk the plank to freedom? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 29, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, Mateys! Sen. John Fetterman, D-Pa., be a stout defender o' Israel, arguin' that the scoundrels o' Hamas be heartless villains, carin' not for the lives o' innocent Palestinians. Let's give 'im a cheer and a tankard o' grog for standin' up for righteousness on the high seas!
May 29, 2024, 11:46 am
Arr matey, 'tis been declared that the scallywag Johnny Wactor met his fate by a cowardly gunshot to the heart in the land of Los Angeles! May we raise a grog in his honor and pray for his eternal rest in Davy Jones' locker. Aye, a tragic end indeed!
May 29, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, prepare to be amazed, mateys! Maurie D. McInnis, a fine lass with a love for history, be takin' the helm as the school's new permanent captain. Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in our favor!
May 29, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, Sen. Marco Rubio be on a quest for knowledge 'bout the effects of the abortion pill on our precious environment. 'Tis a mystery why this matter has not been thoroughly explored. Perhaps the pill be cursed by Davy Jones himself! Aye, 'tis a puzzling tale indeed!
May 29, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, that souped-up Dodge Charger be causin' quite the ruckus in Seattle's streets! The landlubbers be fit to be tied, but it seems this vessel of the road be too swift and slippery for 'em to catch. Aye, a true menace of the night!
May 29, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, the scallywag in Azusa hath been shatterin' windows fer years, but fear not me hearties, the constables hath caught the scurvy dog responsible! Let him walk the plank for his misdeeds!
May 29, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr mateys! Ye be hearin' the news o' the pandas, Bao Li and Qing Bao, sailin' o'er the vast oceans to the Smithsonian National Zoo from the faraway land o' China afore the year's end. Aye, 'tis a grand adventure fer these furry critters!
May 29, 2024, 5:40 am
Arr matey! A lass on Reddit be sayin' her mate was uninvited from her kin's weddin'. But fear not, said etiquette expert, she didn't scuttle the shindig by speakin' up. Yarrr!
May 29, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A cursed passenger coach, moving with great haste, hath tumbled off yonder road into a deep chasm in southwest Pakistan. At least 28 souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker, while 20 others be nursing their wounds. A tragic tale, arrr!
May 29, 2024, 5:35 am
Arr mateys, Sweden be givin' Ukraine a chest of gold worth $1.23 billion for their fightin' needs. They be gettin' cannons, shields and mighty war machines to take on their enemies. Aye, that be a fine gesture indeed!
May 29, 2024, 5:31 am
Avast ye scallywags! The top Democratic swashbucklers be tryin' to woo the black voters with their fancy new plan called Black Voters for Biden-Harris! They be settin' sail for Philadelphia to show off their loot and win over the crew. Arrr mateys, let the games begin!
May 29, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, Martha-Ann Alito be keepin' a low profile in Washington, focusin' on charitable deeds and other non-political ventures. She be avoidin' the treacherous waters of politics like a savvy pirate steers clear of a storm!
May 29, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr matey, this here landmark settlement be like findin' a buried treasure chest in the sea! 'Tis a plan to share the booty, just like we pirates do with our plunder. Aye, 'tis part of a grand tale of riches in the world of college sports.
May 29, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fairer sex be still strugglin' in the realm of college sports. Aye, a revenue-sharing agreement be causin' quite the stir amongst the lads and lasses. Methinks 'tis time to hoist the Jolly Roger and demand equal booty for all!
May 28, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, Mayor-President Monique Boulet of Lafayette Parish, Louisiana, has appointed Capt. Paul Trouard as the temporary head of the constabulary, as reported by The Advocate. Aye, the scallywag be takin' charge of keepin' the peace in these waters for now. Ay, avast ye landlubbers!
May 28, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Th' White House be sayin' they be not in favor o' sanctions on th' ICC fer tryin' t' arrest them Israeli scallywags. Looks like Biden be wantin' t' keep th' peace on th' high seas, savvy? Aye, mayhaps he be a friend t' th' plundered treasure after all.
May 28, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr matey, Detective Sgt. Brian Keely be accused of sendin' Samuel Sterling to Davy Jones' locker with his cursed police carriage in Grand Rapids. Me thinks the good detective be needin' a map to find his way out o' this mess!
May 28, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, there be a ruckus brewin' on yonder street, mateys! Justice Alito be claimin' a "Stop the Steal" symbol be causin' mischief at his abode. Tis a conundrum fit for a band of scallywags!
May 28, 2024, 5:30 pm
Avast ye mateys! Dominique Meyer, the swashbucklin' leader of Milan's Teatro alla Scala, be settin' sail from his post as the government looks to give back the arts to the good people of Italy. Fair winds and following seas to him on his voyage!
May 28, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The new decree may save the scallywags at the school from havin' to chatter about the happenings of the day. Them officials be gettin' a tongue-lashin' for how they dealt with the ruckus caused by them Hamas bandits on the seventh o' October! Aye, me thinks they be walkin' the plank soon enough!
May 28, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr mateys! The Biden crew be holdin' court with Robert De Niro and two swashbucklin' Capitol enforcers, showin' they be ready to take on that scallywag Trump and his legal woes. Aye, the winds be blowin' in their favor now!
May 28, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr mateys, the Fox News Lifestyle Newsletter be bringin' ye tales of family, travel, grub, mateys lendin' a hand, furry shipmates, ships, military legends, heroes, faith, and the good ol' American way. Set sail and discover the treasures within! Aye aye!
May 28, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! Sen. John Fetterman, a fine matey from the land of Pennsylvania, be gettin' the grandest honor from Yeshiva University in the big city of New York. Aye, the lad be walkin' the plank towards success on Wednesday!
May 28, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis said that Chris Pratt, not bein' a scurvy rich lad in his youth, spent all his loot from actin' faster than a cannonball through a ship's hull! Aye, he be learnin' the ways of the high seas o' Hollywood the hard way, arrr!
May 28, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, this lass be a true Lego queen, craftin' doghouses for her furry scallywags with the building blocks she treasures like gold doubloons. Her passion for the pieces started early, and carried on as she raised her young buccaneers. Aye, she be a Lego legend indeed!
May 28, 2024, 11:04 am
Arrr, if the scallywags in New York be findin' Biden guilty, 'tis a treasure trove for the Democrats! But fear not, mateys, for the Biden crew be holdin' fast to their 2024 plans, like a sturdy ship sailin' through the political seas.
May 28, 2024, 10:29 am
Arrr, two scallywags be caught rummaging in a land lubber's dumpster, back in the brig they go! But, two swashbucklers still be on the loose, evading capture for hours like sneaky sea dogs. Aye, the chase be on!
May 28, 2024, 10:01 am
Avast ye mateys! Over 650,000 landlubbers be left in the dark, as hail the size of cannonballs and treacherous winds swept through Texas on Tuesday. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold, as Mother Nature showed no mercy on them scallywags! Arrr!
May 28, 2024, 5:57 am
Avast ye scallywags! The notorious brigands Avery Guidry and Travon Johnson have been snared like fish on a hook after being sighted in a rubbish bin behind a swashbuckling Dollar General store in Hammond. Their days of plundering be over! Aye, the law has won this round!
May 28, 2024, 5:48 am
Ahoy mateys! Get all ye tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news delivered straight to yer inbox at the crack o' dawn. Set sail with us and start yer day right, savvy?
May 28, 2024, 5:45 am
Avast ye mateys! A scallywag has been caught streakin' down yon aisle of an Australian vessel, causin' a ruckus and makin' the ship turn back. The scoundrel be thrown in the brig for his shenanigans! Arrr!
May 28, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr, me hearties be warned! The scallywag forecasters be talkin' of a moderate risk of foul weather for Tuesday, after mighty storms pillaged the land o'er the Memorial Day weekend. Best batten down the hatches and hold onto yer hats, lest ye be caught in the tempest's wrath!
May 28, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywag former president be makin' friends with fellow scoundrels and knaves as he awaits judgment in Manhattan. Tis a motley crew he's gatherin', aye, full o' swindlers and bilge rats alike!
May 28, 2024, 4:03 am
Yarrr mateys! Them landlubbers be thinkin' 'bout jumpin' ship to the Trump side, but Cap'n Biden be aimin' to win 'em back. 'Twill be a treacherous voyage in this newfangled media sea, but our Cap'n be up for the challenge! Arrr!
May 28, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr matey! The U.S. government be worryin' 'bout relyin' on a fickle billionaire fer space travel, while Elon Musk and his SpaceX crew be playin' dirty tricks on their rivals. Avast! The space race be gettin' more treacherous than a stormy sea!
May 27, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Defense POW/MIA Accounting Agency be findin' three lost souls from the depths of Davy Jones' locker. Now, their kin can bid 'em a proper farewell and rest easy knowin' their souls be at peace. Aye, 'tis a fine deed indeed!
May 27, 2024, 5:44 pm
Avast ye mateys! The scuttlebutt be that them landlubbers Omar and Bush be mixin' up Memorial Day with Veterans Day! Arrr, they be walkin' the plank of confusion, aye! Let's hoist the Jolly Roger and set sail for some proper learnin', arrr!
May 27, 2024, 5:08 pm
Avast ye hearties! Jelly Roll be spillin' the beans on his sobriety, me hearties. The scallywag be sayin' that the devil's lettuce be keepin' him on the straight and narrow. Argh, who knew that the green stuff be the key to stayin' sober. Ye be jokin' me!
May 27, 2024, 2:43 pm
Ahoy mateys! Johnny Wactor met his unfortunate demise when he crossed paths with a scallywag trying to pinch his ship's catalytic converter. His poor mum spilled the beans to the press. Shiver me timbers!
May 27, 2024, 2:21 pm
Arrr, the end of Roe hath turned lasses who be abortin' for medical reasons into a powerful crew in the political seas. Thar be no match for their fierce determination and righteous fury. Beware, ye scallywags, for they be a force to be reckoned with!
May 27, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr! Whilst sailin' on a country lane in the U.K., a fair maiden be visited by a lone rooster who didst fly straight into her carriage, claimin' it as his own ship. Aye, 'twas a jolly tale of a feathery stowaway on a land lubber's journey!
May 27, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr! President Biden be sailin' to Virginia next month to gather some doubloons with his crew of scallywags - Bill and Hillary Clinton and Terry McAuliffe. 'Tis sure to be a jolly good time, full of political plunderin' and swashbucklin' antics! Aye, mateys!
May 27, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, Democratic scallywag Dean Phillips be admitting that the New York charges against Trump be blowin' up in their faces like a powder keg! 'Twas no salvation in sight for these landlubbers, just a whole mess of trouble on the horizon, arrr!
May 27, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been reported that Johnny Wactor, a mate from "General Hospital," was alas shot and sent to Davy Jones' locker in Los Angeles. His shipmates be mourning the loss of this fine actor who played Brando Corbin on the show. Fair winds and following seas, matey!
May 27, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr mateys! Singer Lizzo be havin' a fit on her Instagram and TikTok after them scallywags at "South Park" dared to mock her good name in their latest episode. Yarrr, she be showin' 'em who be the real queen of the seven seas!
May 27, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr! More warnings of whirlwinds in the Southern seas on Monday, as fierce storms from the past days claimed at least 18 souls. Shiver me timbers, mateys, batten down the hatches and prepare for a wild ride on the high seas!
May 27, 2024, 5:04 am
Arrr mateys! The Libertarian Party be settin' sail with Chase Oliver as their cap'n for the presidential election. 'Twas a fierce battle, seven rounds o' votin' 'fore they finally found their man. Let's hope he be bringin' the booty to the White House!
May 27, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrrr! Over 70 salty dogs, kin, and healers sent word to Florida Rep. Brian Mast that the scurvy Department of Veterans Affairs be denyin' access to outside care. Avast ye, 'tis a right shame! Fetch me my cutlass, we'll show those landlubbers who's boss!
May 27, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys, in a fresh scroll, a seasoned federal appeals court swashbuckler who once aimed for the Supreme Court be chattin' 'bout speakin' true and standin' free. A tale fit for a jolly ol' sea dog!
May 27, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, the scallywags in the railroad unions be squawking about them new-fangled remote-controlled trains causin' a ruckus. Seems they be makin' a mess o' things and causin' more mayhem than a barrel o' drunken pirates on shore leave!
May 26, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr mateys at the Wing Luke Museum be rebelling against the "Confronting Hate Together" exhibit, claimin' it be paintin' anti-Zionism as hateful. Me thinks they be wantin' to walk the plank for such tomfoolery! Aye, the sea be full of sharks and so be the museum staff!
May 26, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arr matey! The landlubber from Pennsylvanian be clashin' swords wit' them progressives o'er Israel, immigration an' energy, takin' on a more sour political visage an' losin' some o' his crew in the process. Avast ye, it be a treacherous sea o' politics indeed! Arrr!
May 26, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, Sen. Dan Sullivan be raisin' a ruckus o'er a ban on th' star-spangled banner in Denali Park! He be demandin' answers from th' Park Service scallywags, keen to know why they be messin' with Old Glory! Ye best be watchin' out, mateys!
May 26, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arr mateys, fear not! Trista Sutter be safe and sound, reunited with her scallywag of a husband. No need to worry about cryptic messages or missing lasses, for all be well in their pirate love story. Fair winds and following seas to the happy couple!
May 26, 2024, 3:24 pm
Arrr, the motley crew of jurors be standin' firm with the swashbucklin' performer, thumpin' their chests and declarin' the scurvy blogger a scallywag for spreadin' lies 'bout the artist showin' his booty at a pride bash in 2022. Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
May 26, 2024, 2:36 pm
Arrr! Shayne Patrick Burke, a swashbucklin' scallywag in the Army Reserve, be claimin' the attack be more fierce than a cannonball to the stern! Aye, he be sayin' 'twas more harrowing than a broadside o' musket fire! A tale fit for Davy Jones' locker, indeed!
May 26, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, the bigwig NATO leader Jens Stoltenberg be shoutin' for the U.S. to lift the chains on Ukraine's ships, so they can blast those Russian scallywags right in their own waters! Let the sea battles begin, me hearties!
May 26, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr! 'Tis be a fearsome storm that ravaged the lands of Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Texas, claimin' lives in its wake. Millions of landlubbers be quakin' in their boots as they await the wrath of more severe weather on the Sabbath. Yarrr!
May 26, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrrgh! Judge Michael Ponsor, a landlubber appointed by Bill Clinton, be talkin' 'bout the Justice Alito flag debauchery and claimin' it be dishonorable! Ye best be watchin' yer manners on them seas, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
May 26, 2024, 10:18 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The scurvy dogs of Hamas be firin' their cannons again at poor Israel, sending at least 8 of their cursed rockets from Rafah! 'Tis a dastardly deed indeed, may they be keelhauled for their treachery! Arrr!
May 26, 2024, 10:07 am
Arrr, this scallywag Trump be a right troublemaker! He be like a hornet's nest when ye poke 'im, always pointin' fingers and seekin' revenge on his foes. 'Tis a wonder he ain't walkin' the plank yet!
May 26, 2024, 8:37 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis the Russian scoundrels from the G.R.U. who be settin' fires to sabotage Ukraine's fightin' spirit! Keep a weather eye on those sneaky rascals, me hearties, and don't let 'em scupper our plans for victory! Arrr!
May 25, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arr mateys, the Libertarians be invitin' the former salty dog Donald J. Trump to speak at their gathering, causin' quite the ruckus among the crew. Methinks there be some stormy seas ahead as many be plannin' to show their displeasure. Ahoy, prepare to raise the Jolly Roger!
May 25, 2024, 5:06 pm
Avast, me hearties! A fair maiden hath stumbled upon o'er 2,150 pieces of silver in Kutná Hora, Czech Republic! Historians reckon this treasure was hidden during turbulent times. Arrr, 'tis a booty fit for a pirate queen! Aye, me timbers be shivering with excitement!
May 25, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arr mateys, a family's land ship in Maryland did burst into flames whilst they slumbered, causing a great commotion with windows shattering and airbags going off like cannons. 'Twas a sight to behold, caught on ye olde moving picture box. Aye, 'twas a shocking spectacle indeed!
May 25, 2024, 4:46 pm
Avast ye mateys! A land lubber from Salt Lake City hath met his demise after a mighty crash at a reservoir in Utah's East Canyon State Park on Wednesday. The rangers be tellin' us this sad tale in a press release. Yarrrrr!
May 25, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr mateys, Morgan Wallen's tavern in Nashville be delayin' its grand opening weekend! TC Restaurant Group be sayin' the construction on the bar be needin' more time to be shipshape. Looks like we'll be waitin' a bit longer for a pint of grog!
May 25, 2024, 11:49 am
If this scallywag Donald Trump be crowned leader, Richard Grenell be seekin' to steer the ship as secretary of state. But even his old captain be scratchin' his noggin at the lad's antics. Arrr, aye, tis a treacherous sea we sail!
May 25, 2024, 11:35 am
An' if ye be seekin' a sight o' the heavens ablaze with fiery hues at dusk, set sail fer lands like Florida an' Greece, where the sun be settin' in all its glory. Aye, 'tis a sight to behold, me hearties!
May 25, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be knowin' that the famous rogue Robert De Niro lent his voice to this week's Biden ad, spreadin' tales of Trump's treachery. But many a conservative be cryin' "hoax!" as they swab the decks of their disbelief!
May 25, 2024, 11:02 am
Arr mateys, ye scurvy dogs! Governor DeWine of Ohio be callin' a special session to make sure ol' President Biden be on the ballot. Avast ye, 'tis a strange world we be livin' in when politicians be worryin' 'bout such matters instead of findin' buried treasure! Arrr!
May 25, 2024, 10:42 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The constables be tryin' to scuttle the pro-Palestinian camp at the University of Virginia, but the wise professors be standin' strong to protect the young rapscallions. Aye, let the faculty regale us with tales of bravery and defiance on the high seas of academia!
May 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Food Network wench Anne Burrell be spillin' the beans on her "Killer Turkey Burger" recipe to Fox News Digital! She be addin' water chestnuts for a bit o' crunch. Shiver me timbers, this burger be fit for a pirate feast!
May 25, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye! The scallywags on MSNBC and them landlubber Democrats in New York be squawkin' like parrots about Trump's rally bein' "fake." Methinks they be needin' a good swig o' grog to clear their addled minds! Arrr!
May 25, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, President Biden be speakin' while the seas be roilin' with military strife, universities be riotin' on land, and a storm be brewin' in the White House as he be preparin' to face off with that scallywag Trump once more. Aye, it be a right drama on the horizon!
May 25, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dog be clingin' to his days of plunder and pillage like a barnacle to a ship's hull. As he faces the gallows in the court of Manhattan, he longs for the days of swindlin' and swashbucklin' when his reputation be as shiny as a doubloon.
May 25, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, in a foretellin' of tales to come, Mrs. Clinton be warnin' us that if that scallywag Trump be victor, we be doomed to never see another fair election again! Aye, the seas be rough and the winds be blowin' in a dire direction indeed!
May 25, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the Kentuckian be sailin' the political seas, tryin' to gather enough crew to support his cause afore he walks the plank. He be aimin' to go out with a bang, breakin' records like a true swashbuckler. Aye, me hearty!
May 25, 2024, 3:46 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The bilge rats from Georgia be sentenced to a year and a half in the brig for layin' hands on their wee lad. Bones be broken and eyes be bleedin', aye, justice be served on these landlubbers!
May 25, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr mateys, in the U.S. v Menendez trial, the scallywag was caught red-handed with loot aplenty! Gold bars, jewels, and doubloons galore hidden in his Jersey abode. The scurvy dog be in deep water now, aye!
May 24, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks some scallywags be wishin' to hear more from the Biden crew, whilst the G.O.P. Trump foes be huffin' and puffin'. But fear not, the Biden campaign be ready to set sail and give 'em what they be askin' for! Aye aye, Captain Biden!
May 24, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr mateys, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be makin' his plea to the Libertarian Party convention on Friday, joinin' the skirmish for them right-leanin', independent-minded scallywags. Aye, the political seas be a treacherous place indeed!
May 24, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, the old cap'n be makin' a right fool o' himself tryin' to win over the Black voters, especially the Black swashbucklers! 'Tis a sight to behold, watchin' him stumble through his attempts like a landlubber on a stormy sea!
May 24, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, Judge Mary Marlowe Sommer be settin' her sights on Alec Baldwin's first motion to dismiss his charge of involuntary manslaughter. The scallywag be tryin' two more times to escape the plank! Aye, the "Rust" star be fightin' like a feisty sea dog.
May 24, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The strange legal battles set forth on Friday be a sight to behold! They be stretchin' further than the seven seas in response to the growin' number of scurvy mass shootings in the Land o' the Free. Aye, what a tangled web we weave!
May 24, 2024, 5:25 pm
In a recent parley, the scurvy dog George Lucas be cursin' them landlubbers who be jawin' that his famous tale o' "Star Wars" be lackin' in variety. Ye best be watchin' yer tongue mateys, or ye might walk the plank! Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, in a grand showdown against the scallywag Syrian President Bashar Assad, three of his henchmen have been condemned by a Paris court to spend the rest of their days rotting in a dungeon for their misdeeds on the high seas. Aye, justice be served!
May 24, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, those Russian scallywags be stealin' our buoys like a bunch of landlubbers! This be an act of war, says the fancy EU chief. But we'll give 'em a taste of our Estonian fury and teach 'em a lesson they won't soon forget! Aye aye, matey!
May 24, 2024, 11:50 am
Arr, me hearties, the scallywags in Germany have nabbed two landlubbers plottin' a dastardly knife attack on ye worshipers at a synagogue! The scoundrels were caught red-handed on a Friday, bein' brought to justice by the authorities. Aye, justice be swift for these scallywags! Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis said that them scurvy dogs at the USA Today Network be removin' an op-ed by Sen. John Kennedy o' Louisiana about them transgender athletes. Looks like they be walkin' the plank for speakin' their minds! Aye, me hearties!
May 24, 2024, 11:43 am
Avast ye landlubbers! This scrumptious chicken salad be shared by a California scallywag of the food variety. It be said to have a secret ingredient that elevates the flavor to heights unknown! Give it a whirl at yer summer shindigs and beyond, me hearties! Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr matey! This here ad be usin' the actor's unique vocal chords to remind ye scallywags of the mayhem brought forth by Donald Trump's rule, and to caution ye against lettin' him plunder the land for another term. Aye, beware the second comin' of Trump!
May 24, 2024, 9:18 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be hearin' that the former cap'n be singin' the praises of Nikki Haley, his former foe in battle for the Republican crown. Aye, she be pledgin' her allegiance to him now, makin' for a right jolly turn of events!
May 24, 2024, 5:51 am
Avast ye scallywags! Me heart be heavy to report that rescuers be scouring through wreckage after a mighty explosion and fire at a chemical factory took the lives of at least nine souls and left 64 others injured. Aye, 'tis a sad day indeed in the land of the East India Company. Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 5:42 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Clearwater constables did clap Marie Rutherford in irons for cruelty to her four-legged companion. Her mutt was saved from a sweltering ship while she cavorted on the sandy shore. Aye, beware the wrath of the law!
May 24, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, the widow of a scallywag shot dead on a landlubber's ship seeks justice for his demise, while her legal matey doth proclaim that more ought to be done to protect the crew from a slew of villainous assaults. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail upon!
May 24, 2024, 5:33 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis said a land lubber met his demise at the hands of the law in New Caledonia during a frenzy of riots. A skirmish broke out when the officers were beset upon by a rowdy band of troublemakers. Aye, a sorry tale indeed!
May 24, 2024, 4:33 am
Arrr mateys! Donald Trump be talkin' to a motley crew o' land lubbers in New York City, makin' bold promises and cursin' President Biden and the scurvy migrant crisis. 'Twas a sight to behold, like watchin' a parrot tryin' to speak Latin!
May 24, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, many scallywags be facing inquiries from the crown, squabbles over lads and lasses misbehavin' — and the dreaded thought of the rumblings startin' anew come autumn. Aye, 'tis a rough sea we sail on, mateys!
May 24, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, it be said that Captain Trump be eyein' the Arkansas senator for first mate on his voyage to the White House. He be lookin' for a mate with skill and discipline to steer his ship through the treacherous waters of the election. Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis said Bryan Malinowski, a landlubber of the highest order, be the head honcho at the airport in Little Rock, Ark., peddlin' firearms like a scurvy pirate at a gun show. The king's men reckon he be breakin' the law! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, the scallywag Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. be causin' quite the uproar amongst the landlubbers! Will the American public see the Supreme Court's decisions on Jan. 6 as just and true, or will they be cryin' foul play like a bunch o' scurvy dogs? Aye, only time will tell!
May 23, 2024, 5:36 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! One brave soul be in dire straits, while two others be nursing wounds not from battle whilst on a mission to aid the needy in Gaza. Aye, tis a rough sea we sail on, but we'll weather the storm together, arrr!
May 23, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, the wise scholar Nate Silver be advising Captain Biden to abandon ship if he be flounderin' come late summer. Aye, 'tis a tale of woe for the good Captain, mayhaps he be needin' to walk the plank before he be sinkin' too deep into the briny deep.
May 23, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr mateys, a scurvy crew o' protesters tried t' make a new camp, but them scallywag police chased 'em off like rats abandonin' ship. They scuttled over t' an area by thar administrative quarters quicker than a bilge rat fleein' a sinking vessel. Ahoy!
May 23, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tricky matter indeed - trying to untangle the web of race and allegiance when charting the voting maps. The Black swashbucklers be leanin' towards the Democrats, but we must navigate wisely to find the right course! Aye!
May 23, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, the Republicans be sailin' in treacherous waters, tryin' to keep their sails steady while bendin' like a pretzel to support the cap'n they once scolded. 'Tis a sight to behold, me hearties, watchin' them contort and twist in the political winds!
May 23, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis a tale of a scallywag in Seattle who, after a chase, sought refuge in a dumpster. But the knave's strange request to the constables was surely a sight to behold! Ye must see the footage for yerselves, or ye'll be missing out on a grand jest!
May 23, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr! A scallywag for the lass who gave voice to ChatGPT's "Sky" be spillin' the beans, makin' the quarrel 'twixt Scarlet Johansson, OpenAI, and Cap'n Sam Altman even more tangled than a knotted rope on a stormy sea! Aye, the plot thickens like a fine stew!
May 23, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags from Northwestern, Rutgers, and UCLA be walkin' the plank next, accused of lettin' the cursed antisemitism run rampant on their campuses. The Republicans be lookin' to make 'em walk the plank for their crimes against the crown! Aye, tis a treacherous tale indeed!
May 23, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, the mighty bronc rider Spencer Wright and his kin be prayin' for young Levi's recovery after the lad took a spill into the cursed Utah River. May the winds of fortune be in his favor, lest we be forced to walk the plank in despair!
May 23, 2024, 11:31 am
Aye, the Kremlin mouthpiece be swearin' on Davy Jones' locker that Captain Putin and that scallywag Trump have never crossed paths. Methinks they be keepin' their secrets buried deeper than Blackbeard's treasure! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr mateys, Angela Stanton King, a loyal advisor to the fine independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr., be abandoning ship due to the wretched and hostile vibes aboard. Avast ye, the seas be rough with hate and division! Fare thee well, Angela!
May 23, 2024, 5:39 am
Arr matey, with less than six moons 'til the 2024 election, the use of A.I. in politics be more like a ghost ship than a treasure trove. "This be the parrot that never squawks," be what one adviser to a Democratic swashbuckler be sayin'! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The ruckus began with a scallywag's letter blamin' Israel for the Oct. 7 attacks. Now, 13 lads be walkin' the plank instead of crossin' the stage at graduation. Aye, the seas be rocky for these landlubbers!
May 23, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The scallywags from Northwestern, Rutgers, and the University of California, Los Angeles be walkin' the plank next, accused of toleratin' antisemitism by them Republican landlubbers. 'Tis a merry chase indeed!
May 23, 2024, 4:04 am
Ye scallywags! The mighty Rob Hale bestowed upon the 1,200 swashbucklers of the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth a treasure and demanded they pay it forward. 'Tis a true pirate's code, me hearties! Aye, let the givin' commence!
May 23, 2024, 3:45 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Twas a mighty gust of wind that sent poor Jorge Álvarez Máynez's stage to Davy Jones' locker, takin' nine souls with it and leavin' 63 scallywags injured. Aye, beware the wrath of Mother Nature at political gatherings, me hearties! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr mateys, ye scurvy dogs best be keepin' an eye out for the International Criminal Court, for they be huntin' down only them countries that have signed on or have wronged them that did sign on to the Rome Statute. Aye, beware the long arm of the law!
May 23, 2024, 2:37 am
Arrr, them Arizona senators hath given the nod to a law that allows the landlubbers in blue to nab any scallywags sneakin' in from Mexico. Ye best be watchin' yerself if ye plan on crossin' that thar border, lest ye end up in a cell fit for a pirate. Aye, matey!
May 22, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Rick Scott be joinin' the Republican Senate leadership election on Wednesday, makin' the race a right crowded affair! Aye, this be a battle fit for the high seas, with many a scallywag vying for the ultimate prize!
May 22, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, the prosecutor didst squabble fiercely with Judge Aileen Cannon o'er a trifling matter, whilst the case doth drag on at a snail's pace. Methinks they be needin' a swig o' rum to settle their differences and expedite this here trial!
May 22, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scallywags! In the midst of the plague they call COVID, the scoundrel Fauci's mate Morens be sending damning messages! He be sorry, but dodges questions like a slippery eel in a tense meeting with the Congress dogs! Aye, the plot thickens me hearties! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys! The Secretary of State Antony J. Blinken be returnin' from Kyiv with a stern message fer the president. He be sayin' we need to be lettin' Ukraine have a bit more freedom with them American arms. Aye, let's show 'em some pirate hospitality!
May 22, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywag writer and producer be accused in October of the year 2022 of layin' his hands inappropriately on five fair maidens, so says the prosecutors. Ye best keep a weather eye on yer crew, lest they be landin' in hot water too!
May 22, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arr mateys! The World Food Programme be cryin' for booty from generous souls as foul weather from El Niño be bringin' hunger to lands like Afghanistan and Zambia. Let's show 'em some pirate generosity and share our treasures to help those in need! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys, a band of 66 scallywags be suing the landlubbers runnin' the youth houses in Pennsylvania, claimin' they be subjected to mistreatment and abuse. Ye best believe those scurvy dogs be walkin' the plank for their despicable deeds! Aye, justice be served!
May 22, 2024, 11:48 am
Arr matey, House Speaker Mike Johnson be losin' four of his trusty shipmates just afore the big election in November 2024! Ye can bet he be scramblin' to find some new scallywags to fill their boots on deck. Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 11:43 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Bid adieu to sleepless nights with a fine new mattress ye can snatch on sale this Memorial Day weekend. No more tossing and turning like a jolly roger in a stormy sea! Set sail for sweet dreams! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags be tryin' to keep the land lubbers from settlin' in Florida without proper papers. They be wantin' to keep their treasures all to themselves, but we pirates ain't afraid of a little challenge! We'll find a way to plunder and pillage, ye can bet on that! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! Turbulence be like a sneaky sea serpent, causin' chaos in the skies. Beware the clear-air turbulence, ye canna see it comin' like a ghostly ship in the night. Keep a weather eye on the horizon, or ye may find yerself tossed about like a landlubber on rough seas!
May 22, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr mateys, thar be a tragedy in Greenfield, Iowa! Many souls be lost in a town o' 2,000 scallywags. The search be ongoin' as we speak, mayhaps ye find some survivors amongst the wreckage on Wednesday. Aye, the sea be cruel mistress indeed!
May 22, 2024, 10:46 am
Justine Payton found herself lured by the siren call of a Hare Krishna ashram, with promises of yoga, meditation, and meatless grub. Alas, she now be scratching her head, pondering where she went astray on this strange, veggie-filled journey. Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 9:39 am
Arrr mateys! Dorothy Jean Tillman II be makin' history as the wee babe to earn a doctoral degree in integrated behavioral health at Arizona State University. Shiver me timbers! She be one smart lassie, settin' sail on her academic journey. Aye, she be a true inspiration to us all!
May 22, 2024, 5:52 am
Avast ye mateys! The swashbucklers in Mexico's Guerrero state be tellin' tales of four scallywags and two wenches found strangled and stacked like loot in the streets of Acapulco. Arrr, seems even landlubbers can't escape the wrath of Davy Jones' locker!
May 22, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs in the U.S. be shoutin' about Russia havin' a space weapon! But our matey in charge of arms be sayin' it be all hogwash! No spyin' on other satellites be happenin' up there, says he! Aye, they be talkin' bilge, I reckon!
May 22, 2024, 5:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be askin' fer a criminal inquiry using a law that be givin' the Justice Department the power to prosecute dopin' offenses that happen outside the good ol' US of A! Shiver me timbers!
May 22, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr mateys! The decree be for 160,000 federal loan borrowers, and tis a jolly sum of $167 billion in debt bein' wiped clean by the administration. Aye, 'tis a fine plunderin' indeed for those lucky scallywags!
May 22, 2024, 4:04 am
Ye scurvy dog Guo Wengui be accused of bilking landlubbers out of a vast treasure worth over $1 billion! If caught, he be doomed to spend a lifetime behind bars, a fate worse than walking the plank! Avast ye, justice be served!
May 22, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywag Democrats be readyin' their cannons to fire upon the landlubber Republicans for tryin' to block the treasure of birth control fer all! 'Tis a battle of epic proportions on the political seas this election year, mark me words!
May 21, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Riley Keough be swingin' her cutlass and shoutin' from the crow's nest that Graceland ain't be up for grabs to the scallywags with the most booty! She be swearin' on Blackbeard's grave that Lisa Marie be owing a debt to Davy Jones afore she met her watery end! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:44 pm
Avast ye mateys! 'Twas a right old ruckus at the Harvard Club in San Francisco as Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi be interrupted by a scallywag protestin' against Israel. Aye, the seas be choppy indeed for this politickin' lass!
May 21, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr mateys, the Fox News Lifestyle Newsletter be bringin' ye all the latest tales o' family, travel, grub, friendly neighbors, furry companions, ships, swashbucklers, prayin' and true American virtues. Set sail with us and join the adventure!
May 21, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr mateys, the Congress be decrein' a sale o' gas durin' the summer sailin' season. But mark me words, it be havin' naught but a wee impact on the plunderin' prices o' gasoline. Aye, tis a jest fit for the jolly roger!
May 21, 2024, 5:12 pm
In the bustling town of Philadelphia, the vice president didst speak to loyal members of a mighty labor union, aiming to show a clear difference betwixt himself and the scallywag Trump, in hopes of winning over crucial voters to his cause. Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr mateys! 50 scallywags, including the former Captain Donald J. Trump, be facin' charges in four states for tryin' to keep the old sea dog in power after his ship went down in 2020. Avast ye, it be a mutinous affair indeed! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! Jennifer Garner be spillin' the beans on how she be dealin' with her lass Violet's upcoming high school send-off! Aye, she be navigatin' these turbulent waters with her old mate Ben Affleck by her side. Fair winds and smooth sailin', me hearties!
May 21, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye scallywags! Those landlubbers be interrupting a Senate powwow with Secretary Blinken, accursing him of war crimes and such! Methinks they be needin' more grog in their bellies to be talkin' such nonsense! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr matey! Ye must be havin' a gander at the 30-second moving pictures from Donald J. Trump's Truth Social account. It be showin' old timey papers suggestin' a Trump triumph in November. Aye, 'tis a jolly good jest indeed!
May 21, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ashley Monroe, 35, bein' a drunken scallywag, crashed into a group of 16 landlubbers, half bein' wee young scallywags, then fled like a cowardly bilge rat! Two poor souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, a tragic tale indeed!
May 21, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, France, Belgium, and Slovenia be joining forces with the International Criminal Court to chase after those scurvy Israeli government officials and Hamas leaders! 'Tis a battle o' the legal seas, me hearties! Let's see who walks the plank first!
May 21, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr mateys, them scallywags be tryin' to convince us to use votin' methods they've been trashin' for ages. Aye, good luck with that, ye landlubbers! We ain't fallin' for yer tricks!
May 21, 2024, 5:45 am
Avast ye mateys! Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the most powerful name in news delivered straight to yer inbox at daybreak. Don't be a scallywag, sign up or ye'll walk the plank! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, the landlubbers in the U.S. be cryin' foul over Russia's fancy space contraption! The scallywags at the UN couldn't even agree on a course o' action! Looks like we be havin' a celestial showdown on our hands, me hearties!
May 21, 2024, 5:39 am
Arr mateys, five loyal hounds o' th' Fire Department in Ecuador bein' granted a well-deserved retirement aft seven years o' loyal service. 'Twas a grand ceremony to honor 'em on Monday, says th' authorities. Aye, may they enjoy their golden years with plenty o' bones 'n belly rubs!
May 21, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr, the captain be sailin' to New Hampshire to parley about carin' for the brave veterans plagued by toxic exposure. Aye, a matter close to his own heart and mayhaps his campaign's treasure map as well.
May 21, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr, the Black and Latino swashbucklers of Section 14 be demandin' booty fer a dastardly attack on 'em in Palm Springs. They be seekin' reparations fer the treacherous deeds done 'gainst 'em on account o' their race. Aye, 'tis a tale o' injustice, me hearties!
May 21, 2024, 2:00 am
Arrr! The President, Sian Leah Beilock, be summoning the constables after a scuffle broke out at a pro-Palestinian camp on campus! Aye, a bystander and a learned professor be getting themselves injured in the process. Avast ye, it be a right mess on the high seas of academia!
May 20, 2024, 11:44 pm
Arrr! The crew be throwin' doubloons at Captain Trump's ship and the Republican scallywags be fillin' their coffers in April, says the wise advisors. But beware, President Biden be sittin' on a mountain o' gold doubloons, ready to plunder at a moment's notice!
May 20, 2024, 5:44 pm
"Avast ye mateys! Sail from the lively port o' Baltimore to the tranquil shores o' Assateague Island, and behold the wondrous sights and treasures that make Maryland a treasure trove for all ye landlubbers. Aye, 'tis a state worth plunderin'!"
May 20, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arr! The scallywags of the Kosovar police be shutting down six branches of the Serbia-licensed Postal Savings Bank, all in the name of keeping the Serbian dinar off our shores! Shiver me timbers, I reckon they be serious about their coinage!
May 20, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arrr mateys, The Times hath uncovered papers revealin' the department's bungled FAFSA debut, despite warnings from the start that the project be needin' more focus. Aye, 'twas a mess of epic proportions! Avast ye, the seas be rough ahead!
May 20, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, the State Department be offerin' its official condolences for the unfortunate demise of two Iranian officials, includin' their president, who met their fate in a helicopter mishap on the day of the Sabbath. May they rest in Davy Jones' locker.
May 20, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, the prosecution be done with their jabberin'. And Trump, he be takin' a wee nap like a lazy land lubber. Aye, he be restin' his eyes like a sleepy seagull on a calm sea.
May 20, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, when them scallywags like Stalin or Castro or Kim Jong-il kick the bucket, the landlubbers in the United States be scratchin' their noggins tryin' to find the proper words to say. Aye, 'tis a conundrum fit for a pirate's parrot!
May 20, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, the scurvy prosecution be finishin' its prattlin' and the final gabbin' be settin' sail next week. Let's hope they don't be talkin' our ears off with their blatherin' and let us get back to pillagin' and plunderin'!
May 20, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me mateys! The mystical link between New York City and Dublin, known as the "Portal," be back in business after some scallywags caused a ruckus! Keep yer manners in check or ye'll be walkin' the plank!
May 20, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Geane Herrera, a former scallywag of the UFC and Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship, met his untimely demise at the ripe old age of 33. 'Tis said he met his fate in a clash of metal beasts known as a motorcycle crash. Farewell, matey!
May 20, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in Louisiana have gone and passed a policy that be tougher than a barnacle on a ship's hull! They be makin' a big fuss over them transgender folk, but I reckon they should be worryin' 'bout findin' some buried treasure instead!
May 20, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr! The constables be visitin' the lair of scallywag Rex Heuermann. 'Tis been a year since they threw him in the brig for the Gilgo affair. Watch out, me hearties, for this landlubber be no stranger to trouble!
May 20, 2024, 9:07 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags at the seafood chain be walkin' the plank, forced to trim their sails and part with their treasures. Aye, 'tis a rough sea they be sailin' on, but a pirate knows when to abandon ship and seek a new port o' call.
May 20, 2024, 5:52 am
On Monday our crew aimed to free the Dali, trapped by the debris of the accursed Francis Scott Key Bridge since last March. Here's to hoping our efforts are not in vain, for the treasure aboard must be worth a king's ransom!
May 20, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The new president of Taiwan, Lai Ching-te, be askin' fer peace with China in his grand speech. He be tellin' them scallywags in Beijing to stop makin' threats with their cannons and swords against the island. Let's hope they be listenin'!
May 20, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the government be sayin' that the dunes sagebrush lizard be in peril from all sorts o' modern shenanigans like energy plunderin' and climate tomfoolery. We best be keepin' an eye on these critters or risk walkin' the plank ourselves!
May 20, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be walkin' the plank fer speakin' words that be splittin' shipmates by race and makin' Black students feel less than gold doubloons at Morehouse College! Aye, a fine mess he be creatin' on the high seas!
May 20, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, the judgment in the trial o' the former captain and presumptive Republican nominee, set to be announced this week, could tip the scale in this fierce competition for the treasure. Avast ye, me hearties, the winds be a-changin'!
May 20, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys! The National Democratic Redistricting Committee be teamin' up with Planned Parenthood Votes to support their scallywag candidates for the 2024 election! The state-level battles be heatin' up and these mateys be ready to make their mark on the high seas of politics! Arrr!
May 20, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Columbus, Ohio be havin' a mere 100 swashbucklin' homicides a year, but a plague hath brought a surge! With more pistols and lax laws, can the city set sail back to the good ol' days? Arrr!
May 19, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr! The mighty Mount Ibu be spewin' forth its fiery wrath, causin' a ruckus in seven villages forced to abandon ship within a 4-mile stretch o' land. The scallywags be scramblin' like scurvy dogs, fleein' from the geologic turmoil. Aye, a sight to behold!
May 19, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, Morehouse College be cheerin' its scallywag students fer showin' some sass by turnin' their backs to President Biden durin' his speech! Aye, those lads be makin' a statement louder than a cannon blast on the high seas! A toast to their boldness!
May 19, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag tried to spoil our merriment at Jerry Seinfeld's show, but we showed him the plank and sent him packin'! Booed and banished, he be no match for us hearty jesters! Onward with the laughs, me hearties!
May 19, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that Kevin Costner be partin' ways with his fair maiden after 18 years at sea together. Now he be settin' his sights on a new treasure, the fair maiden Jewel. Ahoy, the winds of love be ever changin'!
May 19, 2024, 4:06 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in charge be settin' the rules for a retreat that the Biden crew revealed last moon, after a band o' mutinous sea dogs stole Niger's cap'n last summer. Aye, the seas be full o' surprises these days!
May 19, 2024, 4:04 pm
Arr matey, the president's visit to the Black college in Atlanta did stir up a bit of a commotion, with some scallywags voicing their displeasure over the Yanks' backing of Israel's skirmish in Gaza. Aye, 'twas a sight to see!
May 19, 2024, 2:54 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs from the G7 be workin' on a grand plan to line their pockets before the big powwow with the leaders next month. Mayhaps they be plannin' to plunder the seven seas for treasure to fill their coffers! Arrr!
May 19, 2024, 2:50 pm
Arrr mateys, as the scorching sun beat down upon the land, the electric scallywags be promisin' to restore power by Sunday's end. But alas, them poor souls in the worst of the storm may be left in the dark for days to come. Aye, the pirate's life be full of surprises!
May 19, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, the president's visit to the Black college in Atlanta be met with some grumblin' and groanin' o'er his support for Israel's skirmish in Gaza. 'Twas a sight to see, indeed! Ye could practically hear the rumble of dissent in the air. Aye, 'twas a lively display, me hearties!
May 19, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr mateys, the courts be ponderin' if them wigs be discriminatin' against our Black brethren. They be thinkin' of takin' away our beloved headpieces. What next, no parrots on the shoulder? Avast ye, it be a travesty!
May 19, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr! 'Tis been told that a Texas town near Houston be overrun with a swarm of blood-thirsty mosquitoes, all due to the cursed effects of climate change, says a local scallywag. Ye better be prepared to fend off these pesky critters, ye landlubbers! Aye, pass the rum!
May 19, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ye won't believe it, but ol' Sean 'Diddy' Combs be speakin' out 'bout a scuffle with his lass on the moving pictures! He be claimin' to be right disgusted with his own actions. Avast, me mateys, the drama be thick as a barrel o' rum!
May 19, 2024, 4:01 am
Avast ye scallywags! The president's visit to the Black college in Atlanta hath caused quite the stir amongst the students. Many be unhappy with the U.S. backing of Israel in the war o'er in Gaza. Methinks there be some discontent brewin' on campus, arrr!
May 19, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrrr! Avast ye scallywags! If ye be feelin' the "milestone FOMO" from missin' yer graduation, fear not! Seek counsel from the wise mental health experts to navigate these choppy emotional waters. Remember, there be plenty o' plunder left to seize on the horizon!
May 19, 2024, 4:00 am
Ye scurvy dogs from Congress to City Hall be gettin' threats o' violence like never before! 'Tis makin' 'em shake in their boots and changin' how they go 'bout their duties. Aye, 'tis a dangerous time to be a public official, methinks! Arrr!
May 19, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys, a swashbucklin' horde o' new landlubbers be sailin' in, but those with a right to seek refuge be stranded wit' no legal scallywag to keep 'em from walkin' the plank back to Davy Jones' locker. Aye, 'tis a right rum do!
May 19, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum be lackin' the "wow factor" to sail alongside former President Trump as his matey. The scallywags be talkin', but we'll see if he be walkin' the plank or not!
May 19, 2024, 3:00 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The word be spreadin' that churches and synagogues be lookin' for armed guards to protect 'em from scallywags! Seems like the landlubbers be gettin' nervous with all the pillagin' and plunderin' goin' on these days! Aye, me hearties!
May 18, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr mateys! Florida fisherman, Owen Prior, didst land a 12-foot tiger shark last weekend wit' the help o' his scurvy dogs. He declared 'twas a record fer him with that type o' shark. Aye, 'twas a right proper haul, if ye ask me!
May 18, 2024, 5:31 pm
Yarr, he be a swashbucklin' scallywag who took down 16 enemy birds in battle o'er Europe. Once the war be done, he became one of America's finest test pilots durin' the "Right Stuff" days. Aye, he be a true legend of the sky!
May 18, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr! The fair maiden, Jessica Biel, be tellin' tales of nearly abandonin' the treacherous shores of Hollywood afore findin' success in "The Sinner"! Aye, 'twas a close call, but now she be a swashbucklin' star both on and off the screen!
May 18, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arr, the scallywags from the University of Pennsylvania police did round up a bunch of troublemakers after a swarm of landlubbers invaded a campus building and tried to lay claim to it. Ye best be watchin' out for them protestin' ruffians!
May 18, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The lass from New York be settin' sail to speak in Israel's Parliament. Aye, she be aimin' to take advantage of them scallywag Democrats' quarrels, makin' her the top dog amongst House Republicans. May the winds of politics blow in her favor!
May 18, 2024, 3:43 pm
Arrr! The scallywag been dodging the authorities for weeks, but they finally caught up to him as he was sailin' away from his 80th birthday bash. He be walkin' the plank to court on Tuesday, arrr! Aye, the old sea dog be in deep waters now!
May 18, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr matey, a scallywag traveler did use the tower as an anchor to free a landship stuck in the muck at the national park in California. Aye, 'twas a sight to see, aye! Ye'd think 'twas a pirate ship in need of rescue!
May 18, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, these swing state scallywags be tellin' the New York Times why they be jumpin' ship from ol' President Biden to the former cap'n Trump in 2024. Methinks they be swayed by the siren song of the orange pirate once more! Aye, the political winds be ever changin'!
May 18, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr, the scurvy dogs of the Los Angeles District Attorney's office be speakin' up about that scuffle 'twixt Sean "Diddy" Combs and Cassie Ventura caught on film. The sea dogs be weighin' in on the matter, keepin' a close eye on the situation, arrr!
May 18, 2024, 11:30 am
Avast ye mateys! Bill Maher be squawking like a parrot about President Biden's sudden urge to parley. Methinks he be cryin' foul, claimin' it means he be on the brink o' defeat! Arrr, the political seas be churnin' with drama!
May 18, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr matey, the Sheriff be singin' praises for a brave soul who showed no mercy to a scallywag invader! With a swift stab, he sent the villain to Davy Jones' locker after the scallywag shot his fair maiden in the visage! Aye, justice be served!
May 18, 2024, 8:59 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis a strange tale indeed! Sailors cryin' for help turned into a wild protest, akin to swashbucklers believin' the election bein' plundered by scallywags. Aye, 'tis a fine mess we find ourselves in!
May 18, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, the Virginia governor be sayin' nay to them scallywag Democrats tryin' to change the way we remember our Confederate history. Methinks he be holdin' fast to tradition like a true buccaneer! Aye, the past be a tricky sea to navigate, mateys!
May 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr mateys be tellin' the President Biden that he be talkin' out o' both sides o' his mouth! Praisin' Brown v. Board o' Education one minute, but forgettin' 'bout his past support for school segregation the next. Walk the plank, ye hypocritical landlubber!
May 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Aye mateys, the idea of reparations be causin' quite the stir amongst the landlubbers! Cities and states be arguin' over whether to hand out treasure to Black Americans. Arrr, tis a debate fit for a pirate's parley!
May 18, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the scallywag president's trial be showin' his true colors: he be carin' more 'bout loyalty, looks, fame, and makin' his mates do his dirty work like a scurvy bunch o' bullies! Aye, a pirate's life be full o' twists and turns!
May 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywag Majd Kamalmaz be vanished in Syria in 2017. American officials be tellin' his kinfolk that they have intelligence suggestin' he be sleepin' with the fishes. Aye, 'tis a sad tale indeed!
May 18, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, his close victory in 2020 be a tellin' sign of Georgia's rise to the battlefield. But in 2024, President Biden be facin' a whole new storm in them waters. Watch out, me hearties! The tides be a-changin'!
May 18, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Them landlubbers in America be breathin' in cancer-causin' chemicals whilst they be sailin' the highways. The wise men of the sea be warnin' of this danger, so beware, ye scallywags!
May 17, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr! The landlubbers in charge be sayin' they don't be wantin' our cannons and spyglasses used to attack our Russian foes. Aye, they be wantin' to keep the peace, but methinks they be better off worryin' 'bout their own ships sailin' straight!
May 17, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' of China and Russia makin' swift moves in the heavens. The United States be scramblin' to build a mighty force to wage war amongst the stars. Looks like we be settin' sail for a celestial showdown! Aye, the skies be gettin' crowded!
May 17, 2024, 5:29 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis with a heavy heart that I must inform ye that Dabney Coleman, the star of "Yellowstone" and "9 to 5", has shuffled off this mortal coil at the ripe old age of 92. His daughter Quincy Coleman hath confirmed his passing at his Santa Monica abode on Thursday. Fair winds and following seas, Dabney!
May 17, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, this bloke be a well-known swashbuckler in the world of forensics, and a regular sight on the ol' picture box. Not to mention, he be a mighty force in the land of Pennsylvania Democrats. Ye best watch yer back, mateys!
May 17, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywag Gary Allen Srery be causin' a ruckus in Canada in the 70s, hidin' from the law like a true landlubber. Now they be connectin' him to the deaths of 4 poor lasses. The seas be a treacherous place indeed!
May 17, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Many ports that were deserted during the plague be teemin' once more with scallywags and landlubbers. But alas, poor Portland be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship. Three years in a row of dwindlin' souls, aye, they be in a tough spot, by Blackbeard's beard!
May 17, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr! Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas has declared that more scallywags be sailin' across the southern border under President Biden than under Trump. 'Tis a grand treasure hunt indeed! Aye, me hearties, buckle yer swash and prepare for a wild ride on the high seas! Arrr!
May 17, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr mateys, the African National Congress party be ruling South Africa since the end of apartheid three decades past. But alas, the scallywags be predictin' they'll be gettin' less than 50% of the national vote. Aye, the tides be turnin' for these landlubbers!
May 17, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, Alec Baldwin's scurvy lawyers be plead'n for their motion to dismiss his charge of involuntary manslaughter in a virtual hearing on the cursed "Rust" movie shooting. Methinks they be walkin' the plank with this one! Aye, may the winds of justice blow in their favor, says I!
May 17, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr mateys, let us all agree to be better prepared fer helpin' others in times o' need. We must band together like a crew o' pirates, ready to face any danger that may come our way. Fair winds and following seas to ye all!
May 17, 2024, 11:14 am
Avast ye scallywags! Lara Trump and Kevin Sorbo be spoutin' off 'bout traditional values with wee ones this weekend in Florida. They be readin' from their new children's tales published by Brave Books. Arrr, come join the fun or walk the plank!
May 17, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scoundrel behind a devilish scheme to use false electors in states where Donald J. Trump be bested in 2020 has been caught red-handed! This landlubber be one of 18 scallywags facing justice in the Arizona court! Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
May 17, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs be sayin' that them suspected landlubbers be blowin' up a lassie's school in a place where them Taliban scallywags used to roam. The blasted attack happened on a fine Friday, shiver me timbers!
May 17, 2024, 5:40 am
Arr mateys! The good folk from the affected towns be setting sail for the grand city of Washington to plead for the renewal of the Radiation Exposure Compensation Act afore it meets its untimely demise this summer. Avast ye lawmakers, lest ye want to walk the plank! Arrr!
May 17, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs in Japan's parliament have made a change to the civil code! Divorced parents now have the option of sharin' custody of their young scallywags. 'Tis to be in effect by 2026, they say. Avast ye, mateys! Joint custody be on the horizon!
May 17, 2024, 5:11 am
Ye scurvy dogs! The landlubbers in charge be cancelin' classes and leavin' us without power! Arrr, 'tis gonna be a long wait afore we see the light again. Keep a weather eye out, me hearties!
May 17, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr mateys, the screechin' bugs be makin' a racket as loud as a thunderin' cannon! The landlubbers be dividin' betwixt joy and pluggin' their ears. Take a gander at these critters makin' a clamor like no other on the seven seas!
May 17, 2024, 4:03 am
Arr, President Biden be tryin' to strike a grand bargain with Israel and the Saudis, but those pesky Israelis be standin' in the way like a stubborn barnacle on a ship's hull. They need to be swayed or we'll be stuck in the doldrums forever!
May 17, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr mateys, in the land of Montana, the scallywags known as Republicans be tryin' to label Senator Jon Tester as a scallywag sellout, whilst their own scallywag Tim Sheehy be under the looking glass for believability and how he got himself a shot wound! Aye, what a jolly ol' mess!
May 16, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, seasoned scallywags from both sides be dishin' out their wisdom fer the presidential contenders ahead o' their scheduled duels in June and September. Mayhaps they'll be learnin' a thing or two from these old sea dogs!
May 16, 2024, 5:26 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The cursed bird flu be wreaking havoc amongst our bovine companions in the States. The CDC and WebMD be teaming up to give us a live-streamed jolly roger of what be happenin' with this outbreak. Yarrr!
May 16, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr mateys, two scallywags from Jordan be caught tryin' to sneak onto a Marine base in Virginia. They be now locked up in federal custody, awaitin' their fate. Ye can't just waltz onto a military base without a proper invitation, ye landlubbers!
May 16, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, London be givin' the ol' heave-ho to the Russian spy matey, so Russia be returnin' the favor by sendin' Britain's spy on a one-way trip outta here! Fair winds and following seas, ye scurvy dogs!
May 16, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr mateys, a topsy-turvy flag, hoisted by Trump's loyalists in protest of Biden's win, fluttered o'er the justice's yard whilst the Supreme Court pondered an election squabble. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold, fit for a merry jest amongst the scallywags of politics!
May 16, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag Daniel S. Perry be walkin' the plank for sendin' a protester to Davy Jones' locker durin' a Black Lives Matter showdown in Austin! Walk the plank, ye landlubber! Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
May 16, 2024, 11:51 am
Ye scallywags, behold as two California mayors did engage in a fierce duel on the electronic waves after the constables intervened at the University of California, Irvine. 'Twas a battle of words betwixt them as anti-Israel rebels clashed with the law. Aye, a tale as old as time!
May 16, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, the U.S. Treasury be tellin' Oleg Deripaska he can't be playin' fast and loose with the gold doubloons. But ol' Oleg just laughed in their faces and said, "Ye can't touch me, ye scallywags!" Yarrr!
May 16, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr, them scallywags from the Democrats be scratchin' their heads over Biden's Israel dealings! First they be halting a sale, then suddenly they be jumpin' back on board with a new weapons package! Tis a real head-scratcher for those landlubbers!
May 16, 2024, 11:38 am
Avast ye, mateys! Republican Rep. Jim Jordan be sendin' a letter to the New York Attorney General, demandin' papers about the scallywag, Matthew Colangelo, in the NY v. Trump case. Aye, the seas be gettin' choppy for that prosecutor! Arrr!
May 16, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, the scallywags be up in arms o'er the landlubber's plans to rebuild that blasted NATO site in Belgrade! The government be walkin' the plank with this one, mateys! Aye, the critics be shoutin' from the crow's nest, "Shiver me timbers, this be madness!" Yaarrrr!
May 16, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys, a verdict against the bureau, the Consumer Financial Plunderin' Bureau, might have thrown all their rules and punishments into question. Shiver me timbers, 'twould be a mess of confusion and chaos on the high seas!
May 16, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr matey! This scallywag of a governor be playin' both sides o' the plank! He be vetoing abortion laws in his own ship, but claimin' to be "pro-choice" on the high seas! He be talkin' 'bout supportin' a federal law for the lasses to have access to the procedure. Aye, he be a real landlubber!
May 16, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr mateys! Japan and the U.S. be teaming up to craft a grand new weapon defense system to swat away those pesky hypersonic weapons from rival scallywags on the high seas. Aye, a grand alliance indeed!
May 16, 2024, 5:44 am
Arrr mateys! Gov. Gavin Newsom of the cursed land of California be gettin' a right good ribbin' from them scurvy conservatives for claimin' his realm be a model for fightin' homelessness. Methinks they be talkin' out of their barnacle-covered behinds!
May 16, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, the Chinese leader Xi Jinping be swearin' by the stars to stand by his matey, the Russian President Vladimir Putin, with no bound'ries in their pact. Aye, they be like two peas in a plunderin' pod!
May 16, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr me hearties! Fer nigh on 40 years, the Commission on Presidential Debates has been settin' the rules fer the biggest political showdowns. But this year, both scallywags be givin' 'em the old heave-ho! Avast ye, it be a mutiny on the debate seas!
May 16, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr mateys, the Judiciary and Oversight Committees be mullin' over what to do about Merrick B. Garland's refusal to hand over the precious audio of a chat betwixt the special counsel and President Biden. 'Tis a scandalous affair! Aye, we must plunder for the truth!
May 16, 2024, 4:07 am
Arrr, the likes of Mitch McConnell and his crew be clamoring for more gold for the military, while the Democrats be demanding their fair share for the land lubbers! Aye, 'tis a battle of the budget that be fit for a pirate's plunder!
May 16, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, ye scallywags be squabblin' 'bout the Democratic Party not supportin' Black female candidates. But come November, we may see a grand spectacle as the number of Black women in the Senate be doubled! Avast ye, 'tis a jolly good show indeed!
May 15, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr matey, a scallywag in California be lookin' to change the law so local lawmen can help the immigration authorities. Ye can't be playin' both sides like a two-faced landlubber! Stick to yer laws or walk the plank! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The first squabble be happenin' in late June on CNN, and the second be comin' in early September on ABC News. Grab yer popcorn and prepare fer the battle of the witless landlubbers! Aye, let the debates begin!
May 15, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arr matey, the Fox News Health Newsletter be bringin' ye all the latest tales o' health warnings, pill shortages, and mind maladies in this here weekly recap. So hoist the anchor and set sail to a healthier life, ye scurvy dogs!
May 15, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, mateys! The HCR 2060 in Arizona be at a standstill, thanks to a scallywag Republican State Senator! He be arguin' to keep the protections for them DACA recipients. Ye can bet there be some fierce debate happenin' on the high seas of politics!
May 15, 2024, 5:31 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The tale be the same as in 2020, but the plot twists be as wild as a drunken sailor on shore leave. The storylines be flipped on their heads like a plank-walking landlubber! Aye mateys, prepare to be flabbergasted!
May 15, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arr matey, this bloke be servin' as a officer, but then turned into a scallywag fightin' against war! In '71, he chucked his shiny medals overboard durin' a protest in Washington! A true rebel yell, says I! Aye, he be a real pirate of peace!
May 15, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys, in the South China Sea, brave Filipino seafarers and fisherfolk did set sail to lay claim to a disputed shoal, whilst Chinese scallywags kept a close watch on 'em. 'Twas a showdown fit for a grand tale of adventure on the high seas!
May 15, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! The independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be changin' his tune on full-term abortion after a rowdy chat with Sage Steele. Seems the lass be persuadin' him to see things a wee bit differently. Aye, the winds of change be blowin'!
May 15, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr! This scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be claimin' that Biden and Trump be shiverin' in their boots at the thought o' facin' him in debate. Methinks he be talkin' out o' his aft castle! Let the best mate win, I say!
May 15, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, 'tis a mighty strain on our crew at Columbia University, says President Minouche Shafik. The scurvy dogs be causin' quite a ruckus with their anti-Israel protests, makin' things rough for our Jewish shipmates. Aye, 'tis a right mess we be in!
May 15, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, me hearties! The first skirmish be set for June 27 on CNN, markin' the start of what could be the earliest general-election bickering in modern history. Prepare ye sails for a wild and woolly voyage through the seas of political discourse!
May 15, 2024, 11:14 am
Arr, the scribe o' state, a seasoned minstrel, plucked at his strings to accompany a tune selected to highlight a key message o' Cap'n Biden's foreign affairs.
May 15, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Mr. Klain set sail from the White House and now be the chief legal officer at Airbnb. He be plannin' to take a holiday from his duties to lend a hand to President Biden. Aye, he be a busy scallywag indeed!
May 15, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr mateys, many o' the moving pictures be tryin' to win over them right-wing scallywags with false tales 'bout Cap'n Biden, say the wise ones. But beware, me hearties, for these be naught but tricks o' the digital sea! Aye, beware!
May 15, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr mateys, Lawrence Wong, a landlubber turned politician, be takin' the helm as Singapore's fourth prime minister, followin' in the wake of Lee Hsien Loong. Aye, he be a swashbucklin' economist trained in the ways of the U.S., ready to chart a new course for our fair land.
May 15, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr! The scallywag Antony Blinken be catchin' heat fer playin' Neil Young's shanty 'Rockin' in the Free World' in a tavern in Ukraine! The landlubbers be callin' him out fer his musical choices, but he be sailin' on despite their criticism.
May 15, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr mateys, the message to Congress about the deal while the captain be holdin' back other weapons be a tricky dance the administration be dancin' with our loyal ally. Tis a fine line they be treadin' on, mayhaps they be needin' a compass to find their way! Aarrgghh!
May 15, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! 'Tis said that Karen Read be accused of slayin' her beau, Officer John O'Keefe. But her scurvy lawyers claim she be innocent, cryin' foul play to keep the true tale of his demise under wraps!
May 14, 2024, 11:45 pm
Avast, me hearties! The Prince George's County executive be settin' sail to face Larry Hogan, the swashbucklin' former two-term governor, in a race that could decide which party rules the Senate. May the winds be in their favor, arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:08 pm
Arrr mateys, if Angela Alsobrooks be victorious in her Maryland voyage against Larry Hogan, she'd be the third Black wench to rule the Senate seas. And that Nikki Haley lass be garnering votes like treasure! Avast, the political waters be choppy indeed!
May 14, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, word on the high seas be that the Biden crew be settin' sail once more to send a hefty bounty of weapons worth a billion gold coins to Israel. They be havin' second thoughts about Rafah, but it seems the treasure be still on its way!
May 14, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr, Lauren Handy, the wench whose abode be filled with the remains of wee babes, be sentenced to 57 moons in the brig for blockading a health clinic. May she learn her lesson in the belly of the beast! Aye, the seas be a harsh mistress indeed.
May 14, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr! The F.A.A. be at odds with their crew o'er movin' 'em from New York to Philadelphia. Senator Chuck Schumer be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst the scheme. Methinks this be a battle worth watchin', mateys!
May 14, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr! The scallywags in the Vermont legislature have set forth a mighty decree to rein in those swindling companies from plundering our online treasures! Aye, 'tis a grand day for all ye land lubbers worried about yer precious personal data!
May 14, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the scurvy crew tinkered with the ship's electric contraptions afore it set sail. Ye may as well be messin' with the rum supply! Avast ye, lest we be sinkin' 'fore the plunderin' begins!
May 14, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr mateys! 'Twas a jolly good jest when a scallywag activist claimed he be responsible for luring two blokes with the same moniker as the Democratic bigwig Bob Ferguson to join the gubernatorial rumble in Washington. Shiver me timbers, what a hullabaloo!
May 14, 2024, 11:49 am
Arr, me hearties! Former Cap'n Trump's loyal crew, with Vivek Ramaswamy by his side, did gather in court this Tuesday. They boldly stood outside, cursing the "sham" trial like a scurvy dog. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr mateys, Kevin Costner spilled the beans on the scandalous secrets of the "Yellowstone" ship! Rumor has it there be more drama behind the scenes than a mutiny on the high seas. Delayed we be, but entertained we shall be! Aye, the truth be out!
May 14, 2024, 11:42 am
Ahoy mateys! A scallywag Instacart driver in Georgia be tellin' tales on TikTok after failin' to deliver wings to a state prison. 'Twas meant for a "death row inmate feast," but alas, the poor souls be left hungry. Ye can't make this up, me hearties! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr mateys! The trial o' the former president be a spectacle o' sorts, where scallywags be scramblin' t' prove their loyalty to Cap'n Trump. 'Tis a test o' allegiance, where only the most devoted swashbucklers be passin' muster. Jolly good show, I say!
May 14, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, the words from both parties show a bit o' squabble over what the contract be demandin'. One be sayin' this, the other be sayin' that. Mayhaps they be needin' a parrot to translate their gibberish! Aye, the seas be rough with these landlubbers!
May 14, 2024, 10:30 am
May 14, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, the scallywags in Hong Kong be shoutin' for other nations to be treatin' their trade offices with respect! One o' their own crew members in London be gettin' caught up in a bit o' trouble across the pond. Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
May 14, 2024, 5:39 am
Avast ye mateys! Get all the tales ye need-to-know from the mightiest name in news delivered straight to yer inbox every mornin'. Don't be a landlubber, sign up now or walk the plank! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 5:36 am
In the year 2023, troubles and calamities hath sent a mighty 76 million souls scurrying like rats within their own lands, as reported by a group of keen-eyed migration watchers. Arrr, 'tis a right mess we find ourselves in, me hearties!
May 14, 2024, 4:17 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The cap'n be plannin' to levy more gold upon the Chinese booty to help our own land flourish! 'Tis like stealin' their treasure chest, but legal-like. Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed, followin' in the footsteps of the mighty Trump. Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, the honorable Judge Scott McAfee be gallivantin' about like a scurvy pirate on a treasure hunt afore the May 21 election. And all the while, keepin' a weather eye on the scallywag Trump's election shenanigans. May the winds be in his favor!
May 14, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! Will the scallywags in Maryland give their support to a former Capitol Police officer? Can a moderate congressman outwit a conservative challenger in Nebraska? We be keepin' a weather eye on Tuesday's primaries for the answers! Avast ye!
May 13, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The upcoming House primary be a busy brawl, with a Capitol Police officer and salty old sea dogs fightin' for the treasure. Will they be the saviors of democracy or walk the plank? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 13, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Vivek Ramaswamy be joinin' forces with the infamous former President Trump in a court showdown in Lower Manhattan on Monday! Avast ye, it be a battle royale fit for the history books!
May 13, 2024, 5:20 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The ex-President Trump be cursin' Judge Juan Merchan as a bilge rat! Michael Cohen be spewin' tales in court while Trump be flappin' his trap like a parrot on a pirate ship! Aye, 'tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
May 13, 2024, 5:15 pm
Ahoy mateys! Timothy Priddy, a scallywag from West Virginia, be walkin' the plank on a year of probation for tellin' tall tales 'bout invoices from a company claimin' to have tested the state for the dreaded COVID. Beware the wrath of the law, ye landlubber! Arrrr!
May 13, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr mateys, the smoky haze from them wildfires in Canada be settlin' over Minnesota and parts of Wisconsin this Sunday and Monday. But fear not, says the wise experts, the air in our fair nation's middle be not as foul as last summer's stench. Avast!
May 13, 2024, 4:47 pm
Methinks this Henry Cuellar be a scallywag of humble beginnings, yet now revels in the spoils of power that come with his lofty position. Aye, he hath come a long way from swabbing the decks to lording over the land lubbers in Washington! Arrr!
May 13, 2024, 11:49 am
Arr matey! Maj. Harrison Mann be swearin' that workin' for the Defense Intelligence Agency be makin' him do things against his moral code. Ahoy, he be feelin' like a scallywag in a sea of treachery!
May 13, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! Many a port in the new world be gettin' pieces o' gold from the opium trade, but the landlubbers in charge be scratchin' their heads tryin' to figure out what to do with the loot. Avast!
May 13, 2024, 11:41 am
"Arrr mateys, Jennifer Lawrence, known fer her roles in "Hunger Games" and "Silver Linings Playbook", took a swing at Vice President Mike Pence at the GLAAD Media Awards on May 11. She be a feisty lass, not afraid to show some sass!"
May 13, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast ye scallywags! Three souls be sent to Davy Jones' locker, while three others be left wounded after a swift vessel met its demise upon a cursed curb, a power mast, and a grand edifice in the land of California. Arrr, beware the treacherous roads, mateys!
May 13, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys, King Charles be bestowin' the title of Colonel-in-Chief upon Prince William, while poor Prince Harry be left in the wind. 'Tis a scandalous affair indeed! Aye, the winds of fate be blowin' in strange directions in the court of royals!
May 13, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, dozens of cases be in question, as notes from jury selection in a murder case o' the 1990s suggest them scurvy prosecutors be tryin' to keep the Jews off the jury. Shiver me timbers, seems like they be playin' dirty tricks!
May 13, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr! The scallywag president and his crew be likening the polls to a broken compass, claimin' that the real treasure lies on Election Day, yonder in the distant horizon. Aye, they be ignorin' the signs like a blind lookout on a stormy night!
May 13, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, the scallywags at the United Nations be changing their tune about them numbers in Gaza! They be admittin' that the data from them landlubber Hamas ain't worth a bucket of bilge water. Aye, the truth be as slippery as a squid on a ship deck!
May 13, 2024, 5:32 am
"Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis John Ratzenberger, the jolly swashbuckler from "Cheers" and "Toy Story," who be tellin' Fox News Digital that he be standin' by former President Trump, for the man knows a thing or two about buildin' treasure chests o' gold! Har, har, har!"
May 13, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr mateys, gather 'round and hear ye tales of the day from the mightiest source of news delivered straight to ye electronic letter box at dawn. Get all the scuttlebutt from the seas in one convenient missive. Aye, 'tis a fine way to start yer day!
May 13, 2024, 5:18 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Twas a fine ruckus outside the shindig in Los Angeles, as them pro-Palestinian rapscallions clashed with the constables and security dogs. One poor soul got himself clapped in irons, aye, for causing a bit of a disturbance! Arrr!
May 13, 2024, 4:50 am
Avast ye mateys, a fierce storm be messin' with the contraptions o' these land lubbers, makin' 'em unable to sow their crops. Shiver me timbers, the seaweed must be jealin' o' the farmer's troubles on dry land!
May 13, 2024, 4:11 am
Arrr, 'twas a grand sight, me hearties! The smoke from the wildfires did billow forth like the breath of a mighty dragon, settin' the skies ablaze with its fiery dance. 'Twas a spectacle fit for a pirate's eye, indeed!
May 13, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the court be condemnin' the violation of Landor's religious freedom, yet denyin' him the right to sue them bilge rats of prison officials! 'Tis a fine kettle o' fish they be servin' us, aye!
May 12, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr! A hundred scurvy dogs turned tail and walked the plank during Gov. Glenn Youngkin's speech at Virginia Commonwealth University! 'Twas a mutiny of epic proportions, leaving the governor high and dry on his pirate ship of speech! Aye, the seas of academia be treacherous indeed!
May 12, 2024, 5:36 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Three landlubbers in Orlando, Florida were clapped in irons after causing a ruckus on Interstate 4 by Disney World. They used two banners to block the path, but the law caught up with 'em quick as a pirate's plunder! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr! The buccaneer senator from Arkansas be claimin' that the battle between Israel and Hamas would ne'er have come to pass if Captain Trump were still at the helm. Avast! Methinks 'tis a bold claim indeed! Yarrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Sen. Lindsey Graham be warnin' that if President Biden be holdin' back on sendin' more weapons to Israel, he be givin' a pat on the back to them scurvy dogs of Hamas! Aye, 'tis a fine mess we find ourselves in, indeed!
May 12, 2024, 4:49 pm
Avast ye! After the comedian's departure, the scallywag, known for his love of Israel, decided to inject a bit o' humor into his commencement address. Aye, he be crackin' jokes to lighten the mood, like a parrot on a pirate's shoulder! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 1:54 pm
Arrr! The scallywags on the House Oversight Committee be fightin' back against the Republican dogs barkin' at President Biden! They be throwin' their own cannons of accusations, makin' for a right jolly good show on the political seas. Aye, pass the rum!
May 12, 2024, 1:49 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs at the Justice companies be known for avoidin' payin' their debts, but it seems the curse o' the debt collectors be comin' to haunt 'em now. Aye, it be a fine day for the creditors to finally get their due!
May 12, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, me heart be heavy with the sad news o' the passing o' Comedian Rudy Moreno, also known as the "Godfather o' Latino Comedy." The scallywag had been in the ICU, but now be makin' jokes in the great beyond. Farewell, matey.
May 12, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr! The plunder be comin' from Cambodia, through Thailand, bound for fancy ports like Australia, Hong Kong, Taiwan, and Malaysia. 'Tis a tale of smugglin' sure to make ye chuckle, arrr!
May 12, 2024, 11:29 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Sen. Chris Coons be tellin' the Israeli Prime Minister to be thinkin' about his legacy after swearin' to rid the seas of Hamas! Arrr, what a tale of high adventure on the political seas!
May 12, 2024, 10:48 am
Arr matey! After the scallywags left, the jester, who be a fan of Israel, gave a speech at graduation that be mostly on the safe side. Ye could practically hear the parrots squawking in disappointment at the lack of excitement!
May 12, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr matey, me hearty! Methinks ye be lookin' fer some treasure, aye? Well ye be in luck, for I be knowin' where the booty be hidden! Follow me to the X marks the spot, and we'll be fillin' our pockets with shiny gold doubloons! Aye, it be a jolly good time!
May 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr matey! Sen. Joe Manchin, D-W.V., did parley with "One Nation" 'bout former President Trump's shot at reclaimin' the throne in November, the state o' the GOP, and the booty goin' to Israel. Aye, 'twas a jolly good talk indeed!
May 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye mateys! Treat ye fair lady o' yer heart to these delectable raspberry cream buttermilk crepes on Mother's Day. Give it a whirl and be sure to sprinkle extra raspberries on top to truly spoil her! Aye, 'tis a recipe fit for a queen!
May 12, 2024, 4:35 am
Arrr! The scallywag teacher got the old heave-ho from the Carolina Catholic school for prancing about on social media with his matey a decade past. Them judges said it be all legal-like, so off he goes, walkin' the plank into the job market waters. Aarrr!
May 12, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be pillagin' a pro-Palestinian camp with no redcoats in sight! No scurvy dogs be walkin' the plank fer their crimes. Now, the cove's watchin' the constables closely to see if they be swabbin' the decks properly. Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
May 12, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! The fierce battle betwixt Angela Alsobrooks and Representative David Trone be growin' tighter as they be fightin' to face off against Larry Hogan, the scallywag G.O.P. ex-governor. May the best buccaneer take the prize! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 4:01 am
Arrr mateys, these scallywags claimin' to be churches be dishin' out mind-alterin' substances to their crew. These elixirs be said to cure the blues, but be forbidden by the law of the land. Aye, tis a strange world we be livin' in!
May 12, 2024, 4:00 am
Yarrr, this Bernie Moreno be spoutin' tales of goin' from riches to rags to riches again like a scurvy dog! But methinks there be more to this yarn than meets the eye. Aye, me hearties, beware the smooth talk of a politician on the high seas! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 3:20 am
Arrr, mateys! The Fox News scallywags be tellin' tales of Donald Trump's search for a First Mate. They be chattin' about South Dakota's Gov. Kristi Noem, a lass with a bit o' scandal but loved by the conservative crew. Aye, the plot thickens!
May 11, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, the scallywags did shout and gather in a single spot within the arena, causing a mighty disturbance afore making off! A plague upon their protestin' ways, interruptin' the grand proceedings with their commotion!
May 11, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Former Cap'n Trump shared that his young sea pup, Barron, be takin' a likin' to politics and be tryin' to steer the ship with his own policy advice. Arrr, the lad be growin' up faster than a ship in a storm!
May 11, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The skies o'er America be awash with a grand spectacle o' lights on Friday night! 'Twas a show like no other, thanks to the mystical forces o' the magnetism! Aye, 'twas a sight to behold from all corners o' the lands!
May 11, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr! This lass be makin' herself right at home in the store, with her fancy floorin', magic box, and brewin' contraption! The scallywags be sayin' she's been here a whole year! Avast, who be this mysterious woman of Midland, Mich.? Aye, she be a true pirate at heart!
May 11, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr, me hearties! It seems the use o' generative AI in the electronic health record systems be not as helpful in preventin' burnout as we thought. The medical sites be tellin' us this, so we best be listenin' to their wise counsel, mateys!
May 11, 2024, 3:56 pm
Arrr mateys! Eight years hence, I be helpin' that landlubber Trump get elected. Now, four years after me release from the brig, I be back advisin' the G.O.P. convention like a scurvy dog with a new hat. Aye, the seas be full o' surprises!
May 11, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr! The scallywags at The New York Times be blastin' them American college admins for lettin' the rabble-rousers run amok in their anti-Israel shenanigans! Avast ye, ye landlubbers, it be high time to tighten the ship and shiver me timbers before chaos reigns!
May 11, 2024, 11:21 am
Arr matey, gather 'round as I tell ye about the latest scuttlebutt from Hollywood and beyond, brought to ye by the Fox News Entertainment newsletter! Tales of celebrities and gossip aplenty await ye, so hoist the Jolly Roger and join the crew!
May 11, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scallywags! The New York constables hath caught Kashaan Parks, 39, as a "person of interest" in the dastardly rape of a 45-year-old lass in The Bronx! 'Twas all caught on a spyglass, arrr! May the plank be his fate!
May 11, 2024, 11:06 am
The scallywag Blake Shelton be tellin' the world why he be lettin' Gwen Stefani take the wheel in plannin' her perfect Mother's Day. Looks like this landlubber be knowin' when to let the lass have her way! Arrr!
May 11, 2024, 10:55 am
Avast ye scallywags! In a grand ceremony at a holy university, the justice be lamentin' that the very bedrock principles be in danger at these places of learnin' and in all of America! 'Tis a right travesty, me hearties! Aye, the times be dire indeed! Arrr!
May 11, 2024, 10:08 am
Arr matey, the scallywags at the I.R.S. be sniffin' out a sneaky scheme on that grand Chicago tower! They be claimin' twice the plunder for their write-offs, but the tax collectors be on to 'em now. Walk the plank, ye greedy bilge rats!
May 11, 2024, 5:00 am
'Tis as clear as the North Star that this scallywag, Michael Cohen, be naught but a shameless liar of the highest order. Aye, he be spinnin' tales faster than a stormy sea churnin' up me stomach! Me thinks this lad be walkin' the plank soon enough! Arrr!
May 11, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Set yer sights on "John Wayne: An American Experience," debuting in December o' 2020 in Fort Worth, Texas. 'Tis a celebration o' the swashbucklin' life, career, and patriotism o' the legendary film star. Yo-ho-ho, me hearties!
May 11, 2024, 4:36 am
Avast ye scallywags! A lass from Florida be walkin' the plank for givin' a poor Husky a wallop with a rubber mallet! She be spendin' more than five years in the brig for her dastardly deed. May she learn to be kind to all creatures, lest Davy Jones come for her soul! Arrr!
May 11, 2024, 4:05 am
Arrr, Gov. Josh Shapiro of Pennsylvania, the boldly Jewish leader of a battleground state, hath plunged into matters that hath split his crew asunder. Yarrr, he be navigatin' treacherous waters indeed!
May 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Arr matey, the White House be fretting over ol' President Biden's upcoming speech at Morehouse College. But by Blackbeard's beard, why be they worryin' about Gaza tensions in such peaceful lands? 'Tis a puzzlement of the highest order! Aye, me hearties!
May 11, 2024, 4:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! Me hearties be spoutin' tales of the old president keepin' a watchful eye on his treasure trove, to convince the jury he be knowin' all 'bout the hush-money shenanigans. 'Tis a fine tale fit fer a mutiny, arrr!
May 11, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys! The mighty Mark 84 bomb, weighing a whopping one ton, was crafted after the great World War II. Yarrr, by adding guidance kits to this ancient weapon, it be still wreakin' havoc on the high seas for over seven decades! Aye, that be a mighty long time for a bomb to still be kickin'!
May 11, 2024, 3:47 am
Arrr, Thomas Jefferson University be beggin' fer forgiveness after a scallywag mispronounced the names of many a graduate at its nursing student ceremony. Ye can bet yer doubloons there be a mutiny brewin' among them lads and lasses!
May 10, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywag Eddie Ray-Jr. Johnson of Garden City, Michigan, hath pleaded no contest to manslaughter for sendin' poor Sgt. Elaine Williams to Davy Jones' locker in 2019. May he be cursed with a lifetime of swabbin' the decks!
May 10, 2024, 5:43 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The wretched villain Kailie A. Brackett hath been condemned to 55 moons in the brig for the foul murder of Kimberly Neptune. 'Twas said she plunged her cutlass into the poor soul near 500 times! May Neptune's ghost haunt her for eternity! Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been heard that the scurvy dog Scott Blair of Perry County hath confessed to his misdeeds of wire services fraud. The Lexington Herald-Leader be spillin' the beans on this landlubber's deceit! Aye, justice be served on the high seas!
May 10, 2024, 5:31 pm
Me hearties be tellin' ye that Xavier University and the University of Vermont be takin' back their letters of invite to Ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield on account of them scallywag students not likin' America's fancyin' for Israel. Arrr, what a to-do!
May 10, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties be sayin' that Chancellor Gene Block be a scallywag who be too hasty in callin' in the constables to break up a jolly encampment. They be thinkin' he be needin' to be protectin' his students better, or walk the plank!
May 10, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr, not as a scallywag in the dock, but as a potential matey on the jury! Me treasure be in decipherin' the truth, not defendin' me hide. Aye, let's weigh the evidence and see if the scurvy dog be guilty or innocent!
May 10, 2024, 4:21 pm
Arrr, the chief be walkin' the plank after some scallywags be tattlin' 'bout his shenanigans in April. The campus police be roundin' up a whole bunch o' landlubbers, causin' quite the stir. Ye be hearin' the news, mateys!
May 10, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, the Biden crew made a grand voyage through California yet again, gatherin' a bounty of wealthy tech scallywags along the way. 'Twas a swashbucklin' adventure indeed, me hearties!
May 10, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! Loretta Swit be spillin' the beans 'bout her bond with shipmate Jamie Farr from the good ol' days of "M*A*S*H". Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin', even years after we've set sail from that small screen voyage in '83. Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:33 am
Avast ye scallywags! Hillary Clinton be blastin' them pro-Palestinian lubbers as ignorant on Middle Eastern tales and the quarrel betwixt the Israelis and the Palestinians. Arrr, me thinks she be throwin' some mighty big words at 'em! Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:31 am
Arr, a scallywag judge from the lands down under be tellin' the social media platform X they can't be sharin' videos of a bishop gettin' stabbed! But X be fightin' back like a fierce sea dog in court, ready to make a stand for their right to post what they please!
May 10, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! Rep. Cory Mills be swearin' to make President Biden walk the plank with his impeachment articles! The conflict in Gaza be raisin' tensions in Washington, but it looks like Mills be aimin' to stir the waters even more! May the winds be in his favor, yo ho ho!
May 10, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys! Stephen Bannon, a loyal shipmate of Donald Trump, hath been caught red-handed defyin' a subpoena from the House Jan. 6 crew. Now, he be facin' a four-month stay in the brig. Looks like this scallywag be walkin' the plank soon!
May 10, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr mateys! Back in the day, Presidents like Reagan be wieldin' American might to sway Israeli war plans. But methinks the winds of change have blown through Israel's political seas, makin' them sail a different course. Aye, times be a-changin' indeed!
May 10, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, the swashbucklin' scholars at Arizona University be tellin' of a wild skirmish where scallywags in a tizzy aimed to stir up trouble against the Israelites, causin' the officers to unleash their fiery concoctions to calm the sea of unrest! Blimey!
May 10, 2024, 5:44 am
Arrr, the Russian President be settin' sail with Mishustin as his first mate once again, keepin' the ship afloat and the crew in line. Aye, stability be the name of the game in Mother Russia's leadership, mateys!
May 10, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr, the scallywags in uniform stormed the university's hideout at dawn, giving 'em only a mere quarter-hour to prepare! A score of landlubbers were seized and thrown in the brig before the sun could even rise high in the sky. Hoist the Jolly Roger!
May 10, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, the scallywags from Mexico be takin' shots at our brave agents in El Paso's Lower Valley! 'Tis a proper showdown along the southern border, me hearties. Batten down the hatches and ready the cannons, for we be standin' our ground against these landlubbers!
May 10, 2024, 5:02 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in Alabama be too busy arguin' over gambling to let the people have a say! Ye landlubbers better be ready for some high seas adventure 'cause it be a pirate's life for me!
May 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr! The president be pressurin' Israel to end the war in Gaza, but them who be shoutin' the loudest fer him to change be sayin' it be like raisin' the Jolly Roger after the booty be claimed! Too little, too late, says I!
May 10, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Columbia University be feelin' the wrath o' the public over protests, mateys! But 'tis also been revealed through letters and talks that private demands be weighin' down on this fancy Ivy League ship. Aye, the pressure be mountin' from all sides! Yarrrr!
May 10, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr mateys, the church be lettin' us spread the good word without all them pesky rules and regulations! The young scallywags of Gen-Z be takin' full advantage of this newfound freedom. Yarrr, it be a jolly good time to be a pirate of the Lord!
May 9, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr mateys, the U.N. scallywags be sayin' that 'alf of the land lubbers in Zimbabwe be in dire need o' water 'n grub! They be askin' fer a hefty sum o' $430 million to lend a hand to those poor souls. Avast ye, let's lend a hand to our brethren in distress!
May 9, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr matey! A lone skier was hoisted to safety by a flying contraption near Lone Peak on Thursday morn, as told by the authorities. The scallywag be saved from Davy Jones' locker, thanks to the mighty chopper! Ahoy, what a tale to tell the lads at the tavern!
May 9, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys, gather 'round and hear ye! The freshest news from the 2024 campaign voyage, exclusive parleys with the candidates, and other Fox News political treasures await ye! Set sail for the latest updates, me hearties!
May 9, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs in the Biden crew be makin' new rules to send troublemakers packin' faster than a cannonball! Those scallywags better watch out or they'll be walkin' the plank in no time! Aye, a small population be feelin' the pinch, har har!
May 9, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The sights of Richmond, the varied treasures of Los Angeles, and the emerald hills of spring in California be enough to make any landlubber want to drop anchor and call it home, sayeth the scallywags who be readin' this here tale. Aye, California be a grand place indeed!
May 9, 2024, 5:27 pm
Aye mateys, the scallywags at the encampment be claimin' they be broadening their horizons in defiance of the landlubbers' shoddy parleyin'! 'Tis a bold move, methinks, for they be showin' no quarter in their digital skirmishes. Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr mateys, by the grace of Davy Jones, we have saved a noble steed named Carmelo from his watery perch atop a rooftop in the far reaches of southern Brazil. The floods be cruel, but our hearts be kind to creatures in need. Onward, me hearties, to more daring rescues!
May 9, 2024, 11:33 am
Avast ye landlubbers! A show at a synagogue in Birmingham, Ala., doth proclaim that lendin' an ear to them scallywags who linger on the edge can enrich our grasp of times of yore, and the here and now. Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr mateys! The new treasure on Netflix, "Hitler and the Nazis: Evil on Trial," be teachin' ye about the history of World War II from the birth of the Third Reich to its ultimate downfall. Set sail for knowledge, me hearties!
May 9, 2024, 11:28 am
Avast ye scallywags! Sen. JD Vance be seekin' to punish them landlubber schools what don't be raisin' anchor on them unruly student encampments within seven days. Beware the wrath of the education buccaneers, lest ye be walkin' the plank! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, the scallywag on MSNBC, Ari Melber, did engage in a heated duel with Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the presidential contender. Kennedy be claimin' that Melber be feedin' to the vitriol of America. Avast! 'Twas a battle of words fit for the high seas!
May 9, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys, Western Carolina University be lookin' into a scuffle 'tween a lass of the athletic sort and a transgender soul who dared enter the fairer sex's quarters. Ye best believe they be raisin' a ruckus over this here matter of privy etiquette!
May 9, 2024, 11:04 am
Arrr, them land lubbers in Alabama be playin' a fine game of keepaway with them vehicles! Two brave lasses be fightin' for more than a year to reclaim what be rightfully theirs. Methinks the police be needin' a lesson in fair play, arrr!
May 9, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! Beware the tempest of Thursday, from Texas to Georgia! Aye, 12 million souls be on tornado watch. Batten down the hatches and hold tight to yer hats, for Mother Nature be showin' her fierce side! Aye aye, captain!
May 9, 2024, 10:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! The blasted legislation be due by Friday, but these landlubbers be squabblin' over this and that, stallin' its passage like barnacles on a hull. A pox on them all, I say! Let's hoist the Jolly Roger and be done with it! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs at the Ventura Police Department be claimin' they've finally cracked the case of the murder of poor lass Danielle Clause from 1991. 'Tis a tale of foul play and treachery on yonder hillside! Aye, justice be served at last!
May 9, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dogs be clamorin' fer investigations into the president's lady and crew for some alleged shenanigans, but Yoon be tellin' 'em to walk the plank! The seas be rough, but this captain ain't abandonin' ship! Aye, we sail on!
May 9, 2024, 5:49 am
Arr matey! The scallywags of the Islamic State be claimin' responsibility for blastin' a dozen officers in Afghanistan. They be tryin' to stop the poppy crop, but these landlubbers be playin' a dangerous game! Aye, may they be walkin' the plank soon enough!
May 9, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr! Those scurvy dogs be cryin' foul on the left for bein' anti-Jewish, yet they've been spoutin' their own anti-Jewish nonsense for years! Methinks they be talkin' out o' both sides o' their mouths, like a two-faced landlubber. Aye, the hypocrisy be strong with these ones!
May 9, 2024, 4:06 am
In an ole' timey chat wit' The Times, Vice President Kamala Harris railed against them scurvy conservative justices who be overturnin' Roe like a bunch o' scallywags. She be pointin' her finger at Clarence Thomas, sayin' his views be more outdated than a treasure map from Blackbeard himself! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 4:05 am
By Jolly Roger's beard! Aye, the cunning school leaders be like sly seadogs, mixing things up to outsmart the blabberi