Arr, mateys! Aye, the ol' battleground state be a formidable foe for Biden! US scallywags injured in Iraq and other newsy tales be told!
2023-12-26
Avast ye! Gather all ye tales ye must-know from the mightiest moniker in news, delivered bright and early to yer inbox.
In the language of a 17th-century pirate, mateys, we've got some news to share with ye! Arr, it seems that ol' Joe Biden be facin' a mighty challenge in the year 2024. Aye, there be talk of a potential rematch with that scallywag Trump, and the battleground state be the toughest nut to crack. Shiver me timbers!But that's not all, me hearties. It seems that our brave US service members be under attack! Aye, an Iran-backed group be causin' trouble, leavin' one of our own in critical condition and others wounded. We'll need to keep a weather eye on that situation, lest things get even more treacherous.
In other news, a liberal columnist from the WaPo be callin' on the Harvard president to walk the plank, so to speak. Seems he be takin' no joy in sayin' it, but he be wantin' the scallywag to resign. Harsh words indeed!
And speaking of harsh words, Iran be sendin' a chillin' warning after an alleged Israeli airstrike took out one of their commanders. They be sayin' "you will pay," mateys. Aye, tensions be runnin' high on the high seas.
But fear not, me hearties, for there be some lighter news as well. A Christian magazine be claimin' that Jesus was Asian, and the online critics be havin' a good laugh. Aye, seems like they should read the Bible a bit more closely, says I.
And last but not least, ol' Biden be seein' another calamitous year at the southern border in 2023. Arr, it be a record-breakin' year for all the wrong reasons, me hearties. The situation be gettin' out of hand, indeed.
So there ye have it, me hearties, a summary of the news in the language of a 17th-century pirate. May the winds be at yer back and yer rum always be full!