December 9, 2024, 3:31 pm
Arrr, mateys! This here tale, spun by Kailey Emmons and birthed from the Alliance for Citizen Engagement, be about the fancy notion of presidential immunity! Aye, it be sayin’ the captain of this ship be free from the law’s grip while plundering... I mean, leadin’ the crew! Har har!
December 9, 2024, 2:48 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! A landlubber named Luigi Mangione be caught red-handed with a boomstick at a greasy spoon in Altoona! This knave be linked to the dastardly deed that sent UnitedHealthcare’s Captain Brian Thompson to Davy Jones’ locker last week. Talk about a right pickle! Arrr!
December 9, 2024, 2:47 pm
Arrr! The scallywag caught in the dastardly deed of offing the big cheese of UnitedHealthcare be a brainy swab from Ivy League shores! He be likin’ quotes from that landlubber Unabomber, claimin’, “These scurvy dogs had it comin’!” Turns out, he harbored a grudge against the healers for mistreatin’ his kin!
December 9, 2024, 2:47 pm
Arrr, a scallywag of 26 summers, named Luigi Mangione, be under the watchful eye of the lawmen in Pennsylvania! They be askin’ him questions ‘bout the foul deed that sent ol’ Brian Thompson to Davy Jones' locker! He be carryin’ a piece that be a match for the nefarious rascal who did the deed!
December 9, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags called jurors be sayin’ ex-Marine Daniel Penny ain't guilty, after the judge tossed aside the heavier charges like a ship's anchor! He gave a chokehold to a landlubber on the subway, but now he's free as a seagull! Aye, what a jolly hullabaloo!
December 9, 2024, 11:00 am
Avast, mateys! President-elect Trump be spoutin' tall tales ’bout 13,000 scallywag murderers o' the sea takin' strolls among us! He be mixin' numbers like a sailor mixin' grog! Arrr, best keep yer cutlasses ready, or they might be takin' yer treasure!
December 9, 2024, 10:42 am
Arrr, matey! The grand captain of Syria be spoutin’ tales of his crew still holed up in Damascus, even as the rebel scallywags storm the castle and send the old captain, Bashar, to Davy Jones’ locker! Refugees be returnin’, hopin’ for calmer seas, but trouble brews with a former al-Qaida buccaneer at the helm!
December 9, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr, beneath them feline orbs and cheekbones sharper than a cutlass, there be a whisper o' sorrow in Melania Trump! She claims to be the most bullied soul on the seven seas! But mayhaps it be me imagination, fer she’s long been the captain’s treasure! Har har!
December 9, 2024, 5:31 am
Arrr, matey! In the land o’ Syria, where the goodly Christians first be called, threats be loom’n like a stormy sea! The rebel scallywags swear to guard their booty, but can ye trust a rogue? Those ancient churches be standin' firm, weatherin' the tempests o’ time! Avast, what a jest!
December 9, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, matey! Captain Biden be sayin' the Yanks be huntin’ for Austin Tice, a soul lost to the winds of Syria since 2012! This scallywag be scribblin' tales of war, but now he be needin' a map to find his way home. Hoist the flag and let’s set sail!
December 9, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers o’ the United States be sayin’ they unleashed a tempest of cannon fire upon them scallywags o’ ISIL in Syria. With al-Assad’s ship sunk, they be hittin’ over 75 marks to keep them rascals from plunderin’ the seas o' power! Avast, ye brigands!
December 8, 2024, 12:51 pm
Arrr matey! President Assad be takin' a powder on Sunday, after nearly 14 years of tryin' to keep his ship afloat in a stormy sea o' civil war! Once a sprightly lad, now he be a scallywag scuttlin' off, leavin' behind a right mess fer others to clean! Har har har!
December 8, 2024, 12:48 pm
Arrr, matey! On the high seas o’ Damascus, rebel scallywags burst in like a cannonball, topplin' ol' Assad after five decades o’ tyranny! Aye, they’ve turned the tides o’ a 13-year squabble, sendin' Iran and Russia’s plans to Davy Jones' locker! Shiver me timbers!
December 8, 2024, 12:47 pm
Arrr! The Syrians be jiggin’ in the streets, lettin’ loose their cannons in joy, fer old Bashar the Tyrant be hoistin’ the Jolly Roger and scarperin’ off! With them Islamist scallywags takin’ the helm, the seas be uncertain, but the rum flows like the tides! Avast, what now, mates?
December 8, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr, matey! The Russian sea dogs be spillin’ the beans that Bashar Assad’s hoisted the white flag, leaving Syria as the Islamist scallywags storm the shores! They say Moscow had naught to do with the parley, but ol’ Bashar swapped his crown for a merry exit! Har har!
December 8, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, matey! President Macron be makin' a grand comeback on the high seas of diplomacy, usin’ Notre Dame’s grand reopening to wrangle talks betwixt Ukraine’s Zelenskyy and the soon-to-be Captain Trump! Aye, ‘twas a right stormy week for the Frenchman, what with his ship bein’ tossed about by a government sinkin’!
December 8, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr, in his first parley since claimin' the captain's chair once more, that scallywag Trump be makin' promises to free his mateys who stormed the Capitol. He be swearing to toss the landlubbers out and raise the sails on tariffs, even if it makes yer doubloons lighter! Har har!
December 8, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, matey! Britain’s secretive sea dogs be recruitin' greenhorns fer a summer frolic, but beware! Only landlubbers o' color need apply! MI5 and the like be offerin' a chance to swab the decks o' intrigue, not merely lounge about! Set sail fer yer future, ye scallywags!
December 7, 2024, 6:35 pm
Arrr, President Trump be sayin’ on the morrow, “Nay, mateys! This scuffle in Syria be not our battle!” As he sipped rum in Paris, he declared the salty landlubber Assad ain't worthy of our aid. So hoist the sails and leave that mess to the landlubbers!
December 7, 2024, 6:29 pm
Avast, mateys! The rebel scallywags be swarming near Syria's fair capital, catchin' many a landlubber off-guard! The king's men be skedaddlin' from towns without a fight! Damascenes be quakin' as guards patrol the streets. And shiver me timbers, the news be claimin’ the captain ain't sailin' off!
December 7, 2024, 6:25 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' the Syrian crown skedaddled from Homs quicker than a cat on a hot tin roof! With Assad's reign hangin' by a thread, the rebels be stormin' toward Damascus like a pack o' hungry sea dogs. The tides be turnin’ faster than a ship in a squall!
December 7, 2024, 3:36 pm
Arrr, mateys! The jury be sailin’ into murky waters come Monday, still fussin' over their verdict like a crew lost at sea! Judge Wiley, that scallywag, tossed out the manslaughter charge, leavin’ ‘em to ponder if young Penny be guilty of sendin' the poor soul, Jordan, to Davy Jones' locker!
December 6, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! As Captain Trump be settin’ sail to fill his crew, one scallywag be catchin' the eye o' the Democrats and givin' the Republicans a right case o' the shivers! He’s pluckin' Rep. Lori Chavez-DeRemer, fresh from a fierce battle in a land o' Democrats, to be his Labor Chief!
December 6, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, matey! President-elect Trump be choosin’ a Labor secretary that’s got the scallywags of labor cheerin’ and the merchant folk shakin’ in their boots! Aye, this be a twist that might have the Republicans givin’ unions a hearty handshake! Even the Teamsters be settin’ sail with ‘em at the convention!
December 6, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast, matey! At first squint, it be a puzzlin’ choice fer President Trump to hoist up one-term Congress lass Lori Chavez-DeRemer as Labor chief! Aye, she’s as qualified as a landlubber at sea, lackin’ union stripes and all. But ‘tis a crafty appeasin’ to ol’ Sean O’Brien o’ the Teamsters, savvy?
December 6, 2024, 4:08 pm
Arrr, matey! In the merry days o' yore, them white evangelical chaps ruled the seas of public life, sway’in like a captain with a mighty crew! Falwell Sr. be a fine example, steerin’ the Moral Majority ship in the late 70s, settin’ course for social mischief, savvy?
December 6, 2024, 8:23 am
Avast, me hearties! Beijing be raisin' the Jolly Roger, tryin’ to hoist its laws ‘cross the seven seas! They be banishin’ goods to the Yanks, even from afar! No more dual-use trinkets for the American scallywags! Arrr, what a rumble in the market sea!
December 6, 2024, 8:21 am
Arrr, matey! Elon Musk be the lone gold-slinger fer a PAC claimin’ ol’ Justice Ginsburg be chattin’ up Trump ‘bout his opinions on the fair maidens’ rights! He plundered 20.5 million doubloons! Their banner reads, “great minds think alike,” as if they be swappin’ grog on the high seas!
December 5, 2024, 8:00 pm
Arrr! Hear ye, mateys! This day, the name Muhammad be crowned the king o' baby lads in England and Wales! Over 4,600 wee scallywags bear the name in 2023, outshinin’ Noah! Aye, a fine name fer a pirate's crew, but let’s not forget the other spellin's! Aye, a merry jest indeed!
December 5, 2024, 7:59 pm
Avast ye! In the year of our Lord 2023, young lads in England and Wales be sportin’ the name Muhammad more than any other, with a hearty 4,600 souls registered! It bested the old favorite Noah, but in three parts of England, it be as rare as a mermaid’s treasure! Arrr!
December 5, 2024, 7:58 pm
Arrr, matey! 'Tis been spied that Muhammad be the fairest name for lads in the UK, bestin’ even Noah! Since 2016, it’s been sailin’ in the top ten. As fer lasses, Olivia be holdin’ the crown fer eight years runnin’, with Amelia and Isla chasin’ close behind! Yarrr!
December 5, 2024, 7:34 pm
Arrr, matey! On the day o' Thursday, them scallywags Musk and Ramaswamy parleyed with the landlubbers in Congress 'bout a new crew calls the “Department of Government Efficiency.” They be schemin’ to trim the ranks and test the bounds o' Trump’s treasure chest! Aye, the seas be wild with talk!
December 5, 2024, 1:39 pm
Arrr, a fleet o' local scribblin' papers, run by a crew aligned with the Democrats, be swimmin' in gold from the Soros treasure chest during the 2024 election. They spent a fortune peddlin' flowery words 'bout Democrats while hidin' their true colors. Blimey, what a scallywag tale!
December 5, 2024, 1:32 pm
Avast, me hearties! A mighty quake o' 7.0 shook the shores o' Northern California! The ground be rumblin' near Petrolia, matey! And beware, for a tidal wave be comin' to crash upon the coast—from San Fran to Oregon, keep yer sea legs ready! Arrr!
December 5, 2024, 12:39 pm
Arrr, matey! Cap’n Biden be givin' his scallywag son Hunter a jolly pardon from the gallows o' federal law! Aye, ’tis a full and unconditional boot from the brig for misdeeds from 2014 to 2024! Just a year ago, he swore he’d keep the lad in chains!
December 5, 2024, 12:07 pm
Arrr, mateys! The Foul Bureau of Investigation be shoutin' a warning! Textin' 'twixt Android and iPhone be like leavin' yer treasure chest wide open fer pirates! Use secure apps like WhatsApp, lest ye find yer secrets plundered by scallywags! Keep yer chatter tight, or risk the high seas o' hackery!
December 5, 2024, 11:33 am
Arrr! Since the fracas on October 7th, 2023, yer universities be lookin’ like scallywags of intolerance and narrow-mindedness. Aye, they fret over findin’ safe harbors for open chatter. But fear not, mateys! Higher learnin’ may yet sail toward a sea of pluralism and jolly discourse! Avast!
December 5, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! Acting spy chief Ronald Rowe be blowin' his top at Rep. Pat Fallon! The Texas scallywag called Rowe a landlubber for tarryin' days ‘fore checkin' the scene where Trump nearly met Davy Jones! And what be this? A snap o' Rowe cozyin' up to the captain instead of watchin' his back! Har har har!
December 5, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, matey! Mexican sea dogs be snatchin' over a ton o' those devilish fentanyl pills in a grand raid, aye! 'Tis the biggest haul in all the seven seas! Just after the winds shifted, when Trump be threatenin' to make the trade a tad more salty, savvy?
December 5, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, matey! UNRWA be a scallywag of an organization, funded by landlubber governments! They be tossin’ coin to ruffians, hidin’ Hamas tunnels, and trainin’ troublemakers in their schools. Trump cut their booty, but Biden be fillin’ their coffers again! A right ruckus be brew’n 'twixt them and Israel!
December 5, 2024, 5:44 am
Arrr matey! New tales be swirling that the scallywag who sent UnitedHealthcare’s cap’n Brian Thompson to Davy Jones’ locker left a riddle on his cannonballs! "Deny," "Depose," and "Defend" be scrawled on the shells, as if the knave be tryin’ to play a game o’ wordy treasure hunt!
December 5, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! In a twist fit for the high seas, the FBI and CISA be shoutin’ warnings to ye iPhone and Android scallywags! Encrypt yer messages or risk bein' spied on by the sneaky Salt Typhoon from the East! Aye, they've plundered yer secrets like a true buccaneer!
December 5, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, matey! ABC be sayin’ that scallywag Adam Gray be takin’ the helm o’ California’s 13th, sendin' John Duarte to Davy Jones' locker! In the grand ship o’ Congress, Republicans be struttin’ with 220 cannons while Democrats be snug with 215. But beware, the tides o’ vacancies be fickle come Jan. 3!
December 4, 2024, 7:00 pm
Arrr matey! On the high seas of justice, the Supreme Court be ponderin’ a fierce squabble, United States v. Skrmetti! They be askin’ if treatin’ trans folk like cannon fodder be unconstitutional. Most scallywags in robes be sayin’ nay, which means states might hoist the black flag on gender-affirming care!
December 4, 2024, 12:38 pm
Arrr, matey! On the fourth day of December, the mighty U.S. Supreme Court be settin’ sail on a tempestuous case o’ gender! The tale spins 'round Tennessee's law that keeps young scallywags from seekin’ “gender-affirming care.” No cross-sex potions or puberty blockin’ for them, by thunder!
December 4, 2024, 12:35 pm
Arrr, President-elect Trump be hoistin' his ol’ shipmate Peter Navarro aboard as chief counsel fer trade and makin’ stuff! This scallywag once danced with the law, doin’ time for givin' Congress the cold shoulder. Now he’s back to hoist those tariffs like a true buccaneer!
December 4, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, President Yoon Suk Yeol be walkin' the plank o' politics! His mighty martial law has sent his fair South Korea into a tempest. The opposition crew be raisin' a ruckus, callin' for his impeachment! Avast! Let’s see how this stormy saga be unfoldin’, me hearties!
December 4, 2024, 9:27 am
Arrr, it be said by three-quarters o' landlubbers that news scallywags be spin’in tales favorin’ their own sails on matters o’ politics and such! A new chart from the Pew crew shows 77% reckon media be biased, a wee dip from 79% in 2020. Blimey!
December 4, 2024, 9:24 am
Arrr, mateys! In the wee town o' Adair, with a mere 794 souls, the tiny three-man constabulary be seekin' 90 boomsticks, includin' a whirlin' beastie that spits 6,000 cannonballs a minute! Turns out, the chief be plunderin' his own ship for treasure, and now he’s on trial for bein' a scallywag!
December 4, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, mateys! The big cheese o' UnitedHealth’s treasure hoard, Brian Thompson, met a foul fate outside the Hilton. A scallywag in a mask fired upon ‘im like he was a target in a sailor's game! Now he be off to the hospital, clingin’ to life like a barnacle on a ship's hull!
December 4, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Tucker Carlson be back in Moscow, chattin’ with the Russian sea dog, Lavrov! He claims ol’ Joe Biden be steer’n the good ship USA straight fer the nuclear storm! Aye, he be sayin' the Biden crew’s plans be at their peak since Trump hoisted the sails!
December 4, 2024, 3:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! Chad Chronister, the lawman of Florida, turned down the captain's hat from Trump for the DEA crew, sayin' "Nay!" What a scallywag! That be the second mate to jump ship from the Trump vessel! Avast, what a sight to behold!
December 4, 2024, 3:41 am
Arrr! It be said that Captain Trump be ponderin' if Governor DeSantis should take the helm o' the Pentagon, what with the ruckus surroundin' Hegseth's shady dealings! The Republican crew be raisin’ their brows, worried 'bout the scallywag's past. Avast, what a merry mess!
December 4, 2024, 3:38 am
Arrr, matey! The federal captain judge be callin’ out the President's tall tales ‘bout his scallywag son! Judge Scarsi be sayin' the ol’ man’s pardon claim be as fishy as a barrel o’ rotten herring, clashin' with the court’s own logs. So much for fair winds, eh?
December 3, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the Sinaloa scallywags be plunderin’ the minds of young chemists in Mexico, hopin’ to brew a mightier poison, fentanyl, for a treasure trove o’ addiction! Aye, they be schemin’ to cook up their own devilish compounds, savin’ gold by not bringin’ in the goods from far-off China!
December 3, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, after the sun dipped low on Monday’s eve, the soon-to-be captain Trump declared he’d scuttle the sale of U.S. Steel to them pesky Japanese scallywags. Yet, lo and behold, when the markets awoke, U.S. Steel’s treasure plummeted like a cannonball, down 8 percent! Avast, what a jolly mess!
December 3, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, each sun-up, Nidia Montenegro be scouring her magic rectangle, wishin’ fer a chance to parley with the U.S. landlubbers fer asylum! The 52-year-old sea dog in Mexico be frettin’ her luck’ll run dry ‘fore that scallywag Trump takes the helm on the 20th, ready to sink hope like a ship!
December 3, 2024, 5:24 pm
Avast, mateys! The high court be settin' sail this Wednesday fer a grand powwow 'bout the rights o' the swashbucklin' transfolk! They be ponderin' if a Tennessee law be makin' young'uns walk the plank o' equal rights. Aye, this be a stormy sea fer justice, aye!
December 3, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, matey! President Yoon hoisted the flag of martial law, claimin' the opposition be cozyin’ up to those scallywags in North Korea! The opposition be shoutin’ foul, callin’ it treasonous. Meanwhile, brave souls be blastin’ fire extinguishers at the lawmen like they be swattin’ pesky flies! A right ruckus, I tell ye!
December 3, 2024, 9:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Republican House be spillin’ the beans on the pestilence that plagued our shores! After two long trips 'round the sun, they’ve penned a mighty tome of 520 pages, sayin’ it be time for Congress and mates to ready their sails for future plagues! Avast!
December 3, 2024, 9:36 am
Arrr, matey! The House crew of scallywags be spillin’ the beans on the plague’s origins in a hefty tome of 520 pages! They be jabberin’ 'bout vaccines, health orders, and treasure funds. Aye, 'twas a fine bit o’ report, fit for the captain’s quarters!
December 3, 2024, 9:34 am
Ahoy, mateys! After two long years of scallywag sleuthin’, the landlubbers in Congress be sayin’ the virus be born in a Wuhan lab! They claim the masks and distance be as useful as a barnacle on a ship's hull! Aye, a 520-page scroll of jolly nonsense!
December 2, 2024, 6:55 pm
Arrr, matey! On a fine Sunday, Rep. Nancy Pelosi be chattin’ with the Taiwanese captain, Lai Ching-te, about slashin' taxes for the island folk. Lai be makin’ a pit stop in Hawaii afore settin’ sail fer distant shores, greeted like a treasure chest by the local gentry! Avast!
December 2, 2024, 6:54 pm
Arrr, mateys! Taiwan’s captain, Lai Ching-te, swung by a fancy U.S. thinkin’ spot in Hawaii on his grand Pacific adventure, much to the chagrin of Beijing's scallywags. He be swappin’ trinkets with the East-West chief, but the journos got the ol' heave-ho! What a jolly hullabaloo!
December 2, 2024, 6:53 pm
Arrr, matey! War be a fool's errand, and peace be worth its weight in gold, says President Lai, whilst payin' homage at Pearl Harbor. His jaunt to Hawaii be stirrin' up the dragon’s ire! Aye, it’s but a pit stop 'fore sailin' to friendly isles!
December 2, 2024, 3:46 pm
Arrr, matey! Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Trump’s pick fer health chief, be spillin’ tall tales like a scallywag! From brain worms to bear cub shenanigans, he’s bewitchin’ the landlubbers with his wild yarns. Aye, and his rum-soaked past be as clear as a foggy morn!
December 2, 2024, 3:44 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Gather 'round fer the latest tale from the National Review’s News Desk! This week, we be revisitin’ all the oaths that Captain Biden wouldn’t pardon his scallywag son, Hunter. Aye, and we’ve plenty o’ media blunders to boot! So hoist the sails, and let’s embark!
December 2, 2024, 3:42 pm
Avast, ye scallywags! A fresh tally from UNESCO be revealin’ that 62% o’ digital scribes don’t bother fact-checkin’, which be a right fright! With one in five landlubbers trustin’ “news influencers,” we be sailin’ straight into a storm! Blimey, what a merry mess we be makin’!
December 2, 2024, 3:37 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The jury be settin' sail fer a verdict this week, as the final tales be spun on Monday. Daniel Penny be in hot water fer givin' a chokehold to Jordan Neely, a scallywag threat'ning the crew aboard a subway! Let the courtroom shenanigans commence!
December 2, 2024, 9:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! Cap’n Biden's been feelin' the weight o' guilt 'bout his scallywag son, Hunter, fer ages! Late on a Sunday eve, he tossed him a mighty pardon to lighten the load. Now, the ship be sailin' smoother, though the lad found his compass in sobriety! Aye!
December 2, 2024, 8:30 am
Arrr, Captain Biden be raisin’ a ruckus in the political seas! He be sayin' he pardoned his scallywag son, Hunter, claimin' the charges be naught but a storm brewed by politics! “Tis a fine tale, mateys! Hunter be targeted ‘cause he be my lad!” Har har har!
December 2, 2024, 8:25 am
Arrr, matey! After many a year in the political seas, Captain Biden be hoistin' his son from the gallows o' consequence! Why would this last month be any different? Promisin' to heed the jury’s call, he’s givin' Hunter one last swashbucklin’ rescue before bein’ cast into Davy Jones’ locker!
December 2, 2024, 7:39 am
Arrr, me hearties! This yarn be spun by Christopher Krutz and tossed to the briny deep by the Alliance for Citizen Engagement. In the year o' 2009, the swashbucklin' crew known as BRICS set sail, includin’ Brazil, Russia, and a motley crew of countries, all lookin' fer treasure!
December 1, 2024, 6:30 am
Arrr mateys! The captain o’ the ship, Trump, be handin’ the spyglass to Kashyap “Kash” Patel, a scallywag who’s thrown shade at the FBI! This crafty lawyer, aged 44, be knowin’ the seas of national security. He’ll steer the bureau into calmer waters, aye!
December 1, 2024, 6:30 am
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be settin' sail to name Kash Patel as the head of the FBI crew! This scallywag loves to swing the axe, wantin’ to toss folks overboard at the Justice ship. He be shoutin' 'bout a sneaky “deep state” tryin’ to scuttle their adventures! Yarrr!
December 1, 2024, 6:28 am
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be makin’ waves on the high seas, sayin’ he’ll hoist Kash Patel to the captain’s chair o’ the FBI! Out with old Wray before his term runs aground! Kash be a clever scallywag, always fightin' fer America! Avast, what a jolly crew we’ll have!
December 1, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! On Saturday, them rebel scallywags snatched up Aleppo, sendin' the Russian sea dogs scurrying from three forts! Like a flash o' lightning, they be stormin’ through Aleppo, Hama, and Idlib, givin’ Bashar al-Assad a right good scare! Avast, what a ruckus!
December 1, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr, matey! The future captain of the US seas, Trump, be threat'nin’ them Brics scallywags with a hundred percent tariff, lest they be dreamin' of a shiny new doubloon to rival our grand dollar! He be sayin', “Nay, we shan't sit idly by while they plot!” Har har har!
December 1, 2024, 5:43 am
Ahoy! Joe Rogan an' Elon Musk be the captains o' the bro ship, sailin' with a crew o' grumpy lads! They be grumblin' 'bout women outshinin' 'em in the work and school seas. Arrr, methinks the tempest be fierce ‘cause we still dance with Cinderella’s glass slipper!
December 1, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, matey! In the year o’ our Lord 2018, Pete Hegseth’s own mum sent him a message filled with scorn, callin’ him out for bein’ a scallywag 'round the lasses! Even the infamous Trump be pickin’ this landlubber fer the Defense crew! What a right jolly mess!
November 30, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, matey! Kim Jong Un be swearin' fealty to ol' Andrei, sayin' he'll back the Russian scallywags in their tussle with Ukraine! He be claimin’ the Yank powers be makin’ Kiev poke at Russia with their fancy long-range cannons. A right jolly hullabaloo, I say!
November 30, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye! Russian sea dog Andrei Belousov docked in North Korea, chattin' up the land o' hermits and their grim commanders. The world be shiverin’ in fear of a mighty clash, whilst the commies be linkin' arms—just a month after 10,000 North Korean scallywags sailed off to aid ol’ Russia! Arrr!
November 29, 2024, 6:04 pm
Arrr matey! Three decades past, young Scott Bessent, a swabbie under the mighty Soros flag, set sail to shatter the Bank of England! At a mere 29 summers, he plundered the pound with a treasure trove of $10 billion, lettin’ the British know their gold was but fool’s doubloons!
November 29, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arrr, matey! President-elect Trump’s treasure keeper be a scallywag named Scott Bessent, whose ship, Key Square Capital, caught a bountiful haul o’ 29% doubloons in 2022, sailin’ smooth even as the seas o’ inflation tossed the rest o’ us overboard! A true jolly roger of finance, he be!
November 29, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arrr, matey! In the treasure hunt of Trump’s crew, the Treasury be the grand prize! Scott Bessent, the scallywag most fit for the captain's matey, had to duel in a “knife fight” against other buccaneers. Aye, it be a wild contest on the high seas of politics!
November 29, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! A wee lad of ten was plucked from the clutches of despair by Texas troopers on Thanksgiving, left high and dry by scallywag smugglers! This tiny sailor from El Salvador, armed with naught but a cell phone, wept for his kin across the border. Aye, what a tale!
November 29, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr, matey! In his quest to seize the White House again, Captain Trump be sayin’ he’ll hoist tens o’ thousands of federal crew from the murky swamp o' D.C. to lands where true patriots dwell! “I’ll be blastin’ the deep state to pieces!” he cackled. Avast, what a jolly plan!
November 29, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be chartin' a course fer school choice, but methinks his crew be a tad unsure. He be hollerin' 'bout fundin' private ships o' learnin', sayin', “All parents shall hoist the sails fer another school if they fancy!” Aye, it be called school choice! Har har!
November 29, 2024, 1:00 pm
Arrr, matey! On the day of a truce, them Republican swabs be claimin' Captain Biden be twistin' Israel's arm to halt the brawl! Just as the fine folks were ready to sink the Hezbollah scallywags, he be callin' for a breather! A right jolly mess, I say!
November 29, 2024, 12:00 am
Arrr, matey! On the morrow of Tuesday, the Biden crew be tossin' a chest o' gold worth $6.6 billion to Rivian, the shipbuilders of electric chariots! They be hopin' to hoist their paused factory sails in Georgia. Without this doubloon, their dreams be sunk deeper than Davy Jones’ locker!
November 28, 2024, 8:44 pm
Arrr! The Biden crew be tossin' a treasure chest of $6.6 billion to a landlubber makin' electric chariots, accused o' swindlin' investors! The Department o’ Energy be kickin' off Project Horizon in Georgia, where they paused buildin’ to save doubloons and hasten their makin’. Aye, what a jolly jest!
November 28, 2024, 8:43 pm
Arrr, mateys! Captain Biden's crew be lendin' a hefty treasure of $6.6 billion to Rivian, the scallywags tryin' to build a mighty factory in Georgia! But beware, the ghost of Captain Trump be lurkin’, ready to snatch back the doubloons! A right jolly adventure, eh?
November 28, 2024, 7:30 am
Arrr! The Foul Bureau of Investigation be sayin’ that a heap o’ scallywags be threatenin’ the crew of President-elect Trump’s ship! His mates be quakin’ in their boots, facin’ death threats ‘n’ such. A right ruckus it be, but the number o’ targets be shrouded in mystery, savvy?
November 28, 2024, 7:26 am
Arrr, matey! This week, President-elect Trump’s crew be takin’ heat, with bomb threats and trickery like swattin’. Lawmen be rushin’ in to keep 'em safe! Even Elise, the fine lass he chose for ambassador, be feelin’ the stormy seas of trouble! Avast! What a ruckus!
November 28, 2024, 7:24 am
Arrr, matey! The FBI be settin' sail on the high seas o' bomb threats 'n swattin' shenanigans aimed at Trump’s crew! Rollins, Stefanik, Zeldin, Chavez-DeRemer, 'n Turner be in the line o' fire! The Bureau be hoistin’ the flag to team up with the local landlubbers! Yarrr!
November 28, 2024, 6:58 am
Arrr, matey! Cap'n Putin be sendin’ forth a mighty fleet o’ 90 cannonballs and 100 flying beasties to Ukraine in retaliation for their cheeky attacks! A right ruckus it be, with missiles rainin' down like a stormy sea! Zelensky be shoutin’ foul play on the poor folk and their lanterns!
November 28, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr, matey! The FCC be givin’ the green light fer SpaceX to link its starry satellites to T-Mobile scallywags! 'Tis the first sea-worthy pact to bring ye phone chatter from the heavens. Now ye can holler for help, even when ye be lost on the high seas!
November 27, 2024, 2:30 pm
Arrr, mateys! Captain Trump be raisin’ the Jolly Roger on goods from Canada, Mexico, and China on his first day at the helm! A 25% toll on yer treasures, savvy? He be demandin’ those scallywags mend their ways, or face the wrath of his tarry tax! Aye, what a tall tale!
November 27, 2024, 2:29 pm
Arrr matey! Since the day Trump hoisted Scott Bessent’s name as his treasure keeper, the seas be filled with “sighs of relief.” But lo! That calm lasted but a day, for the captain be shoutin’ his plans from the crow’s nest, stirrin’ the waters once more!
November 27, 2024, 2:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Rep. Russell Fry be singin' the praises of the tariff storm brewin' 'round the globe, sayin' it’s "amazin'" what a bit o' savvy in the captain's cabin can do fer the good ol’ U.S. of A! Avast, mateys, brace yerselves for 25% on our northern and southern mates!
November 27, 2024, 2:10 pm
Arrr, matey! The Biden crew be makin' waves, expandin' the loot for anti-flab potions like Ozempic and Wegovy for sailors on Medicare and Medicaid! Currently, only those with sugar troubles or a heart all a-jumble be gettin' the booty. Aye, it’s a fine proposal from the landlubbers at Health Services!
November 27, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, ye scallywag, lawyers o’ the President-elect Trump be callin’ on the fair lass Letitia James to toss aside her fraud charges, claimin’ it be for the good o’ the realm! They be writin’, “Drop the case, or we’ll unleash the kraken!” Aye, the winds be blowin’ favorably!
November 27, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, matey! The Republican crew in California's ship be settlin' sail with a motley crew o' Latinos and Asians, snatchin' three Democrat treasure chests! Even booted a long-time captain! But fear not, the Democrats still hold the helm with a mighty supermajority. Still, the seas be stirrin’, and hope be swellin'!
November 27, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! It be takin' yon government ages to set sail on their food orders for the next five years, now driftin' into 2025! Alas, the Biden crew be missin' their chance to hoist new flags before the Trump ship returns. A right pickle, fer sure!
November 27, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr, matey! So, President Trump be pickin' Linda McMahon to steer the ship o' Education! She be swappin’ the treasure o’ knowledge from the big ol’ federal seas to the states. Aye, she’ll be followin’ the maps of Agenda 47. Batten down the hatches for some wild changes, ye scallywags!
November 26, 2024, 7:39 pm
Arrr, a scallywag broker from San Fran and his mateys be caught fibbin’ about treasure chests, inflatin’ their gold to swindle lenders! Judge Breyer sent the captain Buditaslim to Davy Jones’ locker for two years, while the other two mateys face the music for a spell. Aye, what a merry mess!
November 26, 2024, 7:30 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag John Kerry be spoutin’ tales of a climate calamity brewin’! He be sayin’ we’re on the edge o’ a tempest, and folks best be listenin’ to Trump’s transition chatter, lest we all be sinkin’ to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, 'tis a fine pickle indeed!
November 26, 2024, 6:50 pm
Arrr, mateys! The Israel crew be givin’ a hearty “aye” to a truce with them Hezbollah scallywags, after much parleyin’. Captain Netanyahu be leadin’ the charge, but ol’ Ben Gvir be raisin’ a ruckus. The word’s spreadin’ faster than a cannonball, with Biden givin’ the nod from his ship!
November 26, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be threatenin' to hoist hefty tariffs on our trade mates unless they shiver their timbers and halt the tide o' scallywags and contraband! Aye, a 25% tax on treasures from Mexico and Canada, and a 10% from China! Blimey, it be a bumpy sea ahead!
November 26, 2024, 4:00 pm
Arrr, Scott Jennings be catchin’ the panelist off guard, claimin’ X be the fairest ship on the social seas, backin’ it with a scroll from the left’s own treasure chest! Cari Champion shot back, “Nay, matey, ye can’t say that!” A right jolly squabble on the high seas of news!
November 26, 2024, 2:59 pm
Arrr, matey! On the high seas of politics, Israel’s scallywags in the cabinet be a-sailing unanimously to lash the ol’ Haaretz, the ancient parchment! They be miffed 'bout the ink it spilled on the war and the publisher’s call for a keel-haulin’ of the top brass! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
November 26, 2024, 2:59 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers in the ministries o' the interior, learnin', and Diaspora affairs cut the ropes with the Haaretz rag, aye! After the scallywag Amos Schocken claimed Israel's playin' at apartheid and callin' brave souls terrorists, the comms chief be talkin' boycott! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
November 26, 2024, 2:54 pm
Arrr, matey! Israel be severin' ties with that scallywag Haaretz rag, after its publisher be prattlin' about supportin' the devil’s work! The crew o' the government be unanimously agreein' to shun the cursed paper, led by Communications Captain Shlomo Karhi! No more booty for that ship, I say!
November 26, 2024, 10:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.K. be settin' sail fer a fancy lab to wrangle with them Russian scallywags in the new-fangled AI arms tussle! This news came spillin' from the deck at the NATO Cyber shindig in London. Beware, mateys! We must outsmart the foes in this high-tech treasure hunt!
November 26, 2024, 10:00 am
Arrr, matey! It be said that Vice President Kamala Harris be buried under a treasure chest o’ $20 million debt from her grand shipwreck of a campaign! This clever scallywag John Morgan claims she be disqualified from sailin' the political seas again. Aye, 'tis a costly folly indeed!
November 26, 2024, 9:13 am
Arrr, matey! ’Twas nearly four years since Trump sailed from the White House, puffin’ his chest like a proud parrot! He be thinkin’, “What’s changed? I’ve got this!” But I’ve ventured from Tel Aviv to the UAE and dived deep with Google’s crew. Remember, lad: Decades may be naught, but weeks be whirlwinds!
November 26, 2024, 9:09 am
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, millions o’ hefty landlubbers be set to snag them fancy weight-slimmin’ potions like Wegovy and Ozempic, all thanks to a new decree from the Biden captain! But beware! A fierce squall brews ‘twixt the pill pushers and that scallywag Kennedy, who be raisin' a ruckus!
November 26, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr mateys! Rumble Inc. be settin’ sail with a 17% bounty after ropin’ in the swashbuckler Dr. Disrespect to helm Rumble Gaming! This jolly rogue, Guy Beahm, be servin’ up both free booties and treasure for a price, debutin' on the 2nd of December! Aye, equity be part of the spoils!
November 26, 2024, 5:37 am
Arrr, matey! On the 26th of November, word be sailin' that them Russian scallywags be movin' faster than a ship in a storm, settin' their sights on the fabled town of Kurakhove. Kyiv's landlubbers be quakin' in their boots, as them analysts be reportin' a right ruckus on the battlefield!
November 26, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, matey! A judge o' the federal seas be ponderin' ol' Alex Jones's plea to stop The Onion from makin' his InfoWars a jestin' treasure! The Onion be claimin' victory at a rigged auction, and now the judge be callin' a parley to weigh the scallywag's grumblin's! Har har har!
November 25, 2024, 7:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Special counsel Jack Smith be tossin’ the election shenanigans and secret scroll mishaps overboard, seekin’ to scuttle them in court! Trump be swearin’ to give Smith the boot if he regains the captain's chair, breakin’ all the rules o’ the high seas!
November 25, 2024, 2:12 pm
Arrr, me hearties! This year, ye be plunderin' less doubloons from yer treasure chests for yer Thanksgiving feast! The mighty turkey be takin' a backseat as scallywags buy less of that fowl. Aye, cranberries and sweet taters be easier on the pockets, makin’ merry for another year!
November 25, 2024, 1:01 pm
Ahoy, mateys! A band o’ merry scribblers be swimmin’ in doubloons, pocketin’ near a million gold from the teachers’ guilds, while singin’ sweet shanties ‘bout ‘em! The New Republic, American Prospect, and Courier Newsroom be the scallywags in this tale of treasure, but ne’er a word o’ their plunder be shared!
November 25, 2024, 12:56 pm
Arrr, matey! In these three short weeks o' his reign, Captain Trump be pushin' the limits o' his power, tusslin' with the landlubbers o' the GOP! He be pickin' strange crew for his cabinet, claimin' he needs no Senate approval. Some scallywags be sayin', "Aye, let the captain have his way, fer he be the victor!"
November 25, 2024, 10:00 am
Arrr mateys! Two scallywags from the U.S. intel crew have tossed their hats, sparkin' fears of a grand ol' exodus! If a fleet of watchdogs jump ship, our new captain Trump might fill the ranks with his own merry crew, lettin' chaos reign in the federal seas!
November 25, 2024, 9:37 am
Arrr, matey! On the morrow after the grand election o' Nov. 5, the Associated Press declared Captain Trump the victor, claiming 312 shiny electoral doubloons whilst Vice President Harris was left with but 226! 'Tis but a guessing game o' numbers, savvy? Aye, statistics be the scallywag's treasure map!
November 25, 2024, 8:18 am
Avast, me hearties! When that scallywag Matt Gaetz, once a Rep from Florida, decided to hang up his boots for Attorney General, it be like a ship losing a third o' its crew accused of foul deeds! And half as many be spouting hate against the Jews! Blimey, what a rigmarole!
November 25, 2024, 4:00 am
Avast, mateys! President-elect Trump’s crew o' efficiency be settin' its eye on the treasure chest o' National Public Radio, savvy? Marjorie Taylor Greene, the captain o' a new oversight ship, be chattin' 'bout wastin' doubloons in the government. Aye, let the treasure hunt begin! Arrr!
November 25, 2024, 3:42 am
Arrr, matey! Trump be schemin' to cast off all the swashbucklin’ transgender crew from the US Navy, come the mornin’ of January 20! With 15,000 salty sea dogs ready to set sail, he’d send 'em ashore, claimin’ they be unfit for the high seas! Blimey!
November 25, 2024, 3:39 am
Arrr, matey! It be said that Captain Trump be settin' sail to scuttle all transgender sea doggies from the military crew! On his first day, he might hoist the black flag of dismissal, leavin' the fleet short-handed when they be needin' all hands on deck! Aye, what a jolly mess!
November 24, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr, Prime Minister Trudeau be joinin’ the crew of cabinet lads in condemn’n the ruckus in Montreal! He called the scallywags’ antics “appallin’.” The constables snatched up three rogues after they turned the streets into a fiery mess, tossin’ things at the law and settin’ ships ablaze!
November 24, 2024, 10:37 am
Arrr, mates! The Montreal constables tangled with ruckus-makers o' NATO and Palestine on Friday night, snaggin' three scallywags. With swords of tear gas and pepper spray, they charged as the landlubbers tried to smash the fine convention ship's windows! A right jolly hullabaloo, it be!
November 24, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, mateys! On Thursday, Trump’s loyal crew gathered by Mar-a-Lago, where the captain be settlin' his motley crew o’ advisors. Aye, 'tis a wild bunch, more mixed than a pirate’s treasure chest! Who’d think a scallywag could gather such a crew of rival buccaneers? Savvy?
November 24, 2024, 9:37 am
Arrr, matey! The States be givin’ the ol’ heave-ho to the ICC's fancy warrants for Netanyahu and his matey, the defense chief! Says the White House crew, "Nay, we won’t be takin’ orders from that court! Their haste be a right mess, they be!" Aye, what a scallywag situation!
November 23, 2024, 2:55 pm
Arrr, Judge Juan Merchan be grantin’ the President-elect Trump’s wish to toss the charges overboard in that New York scallywag case! He be givin’ the Trump crew till Dec. 2 to hoist their motion, while Bragg’s got till Dec. 9 to fire back. Hoist the sails of justice, mateys!
November 23, 2024, 2:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The magistrate in charge o’ the Trump hush money kerfuffle be settin’ sail and cancelin’ the sentencing shindig set fer Nov. 26! No new date be charted, givin’ the scallywags more time to spin their yarn ‘bout why this whole caper should be tossed overboard!
November 22, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Andrew McCabe be warnin’ o’ Kash Patel, a scallywag eyed fer the FBI’s top deck in Trump’s crew. On CNN’s broadcast, he squawked, “With Patel at the helm, not a single mission be safe! Aye, not even the deputy’s cabin!” Aye, what a ruckus!
November 22, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr, matey! If the landlubbers don’t heed the call, their doubloons for energy be risin' like the tide—up to 70% over the next decade! The good ship America be in a pickle, with AI beasties and mighty data forts suckin’ power like a thirsty parrot!
November 22, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr mateys! A new scroll from the landlubbers at the Jack Kemp Foundation warns that the jolly American's energy coin purse may swell by a hefty 70% in a decade if scallywags in power be slackin'! With demand as wild as a stormy sea, we be in for a ruckus!
November 22, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, matey! The Kremlin be shoutin’ that they’ve unleashed a fiery cannonball o’ doom called the Oreshnik upon Ukraine, lettin’ the West know they’ll swing their cutlasses hard if ye keep meddlin’ in their business! Sounds like a right ruckus, eh? Aye, the seas be choppy!
November 22, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, matey! The Kremlin be squawkin' like a parrot 'bout launchin' their fancy new missile – the Oreshnik, they call it! They be sendin' a message to the West: tread carefully, or face the wrath of Moscow's cannon! Aye, it be a right cheeky game of cannonball!
November 22, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, mateys! It be reported that the brave officer Byrd, who took down lass Babbitt, once let loose his shootin' iron at scallywags makin' a hasty escape, nearly turnin' his neighbor into Swiss cheese! And yet, he rose to captaincy like a ship on the tide! What a merry jest!
November 22, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that the lawman who sent Ashli Babbitt to Davy Jones' locker once let loose his cannon at skedaddlin' ships near his own dock, nearly turnin’ his neighbor into fish bait! And this scallywag got promoted to captain, ye say? Blimey, what a jolly jest!
November 22, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, matey! The judge, Justice Juan Merchan, be holdin' off on sendin' the ol' Trump to the brig, ponderin' the lawyers' squawkin' 'bout how lockin' him up might shake the sails of our fair nation! Aye, an orderly sailin' be the goal, lest we all end up in Davy Jones' locker!
November 22, 2024, 11:06 am
Arrr, the Military Industrial beast be lurkin’, led by Captain Biden, eager to start a ruckus 'fore me old man can patch up the seas! Young Trump Jr. be tweetin’ a warning, sayin’ it’s like Biden be hoistin’ a new flag o’ war in Ukraine whilst the ship be still in transition! Har har!
November 22, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, once more, me hearty! Ol' Joe Biden, with shades on like a scallywag, barked at the G-20, “The Amazon be the lungs of the world!” Then, he scuttled off with a half-hearted wave, like a captain leavin' a tavern with rotten grog. Into the trees he vanished, savvy?
November 22, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, this week, them brave Ukrainians unleashed the fierce American ATACM cannonballs upon the Russians, settin’ sail on a whole new course under Captain Biden’s orders! Now brace yerselves, matey, for the landlubbers be gaspin’ about “the warmongers leadin’ us to Davy Jones’!” Har har har!
November 22, 2024, 10:29 am
Arrr matey! In all of Texas, not a single Planned Parenthood be servin' up abortions, not even in El Paso’s new treasure trove that opened in November 2024! AllSides be shinin’ a light on Gigafact, a crew of news scallywags debunkin’ the tall tales. Avast, check El Paso Matters for the full yarn!
November 21, 2024, 8:44 pm
Arrr, ye be listenin'! Former Fox News scallywag Pete Hegseth, Trump’s chosen matey for the defense, parleyed with senators on the Hill, while gossip swirled 'bout a rum-fueled misadventure from 2017. With Vice President-elect JD Vance at his side, they be huntin’ for Republican favor, savvy?
November 21, 2024, 8:43 pm
Arrr, a ruckus from 2017 be spillin' forth! Pete Hegseth, a scallywag once of Fox News, be accused of keepin' a lass trapped in a cabin, swipin' her magic phone before their "consensual" frolic. Why, he claims no wrongdoings, but the seas be murky, matey!
November 21, 2024, 7:25 pm
Arrr, the Boston Celtics be the 2024 NBA conquerors, celebratin’ with a jolly visit to the White House, where President Biden be honorin’ ‘em! He quipped about not knowin’ whence the scallywags hailed, as if they just sailed in on a whim! A fine day o’ mirth, I say!
November 21, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the media be spinnin’ yarns 'bout Jose Ibarra, convicted o' murderin' Laken Riley. They be usin’ his tale to stoke their own fires, like a parrot squawkin’ in a tavern! Fox and the New York Post be fanning the flames of their biases, aye!
November 21, 2024, 3:48 pm
Arrr, matey! Ukraine be blastin’ long-range boomsticks into Russia fer the first time on the thousandth mornin’ of this war! Just as Biden gave ‘em the green light, North Korea sends troops like they be lookin’ fer treasure! Zelensky's been beggin’ fer cannons since the start, savvy?
November 21, 2024, 3:37 pm
Arrr, it be said that the lass Ellen DeGeneres, tired o’ the land o’ the free, be settlin’ her sails for rural England with her fair mate Portia! They snagged a cozy ship in the countryside ‘fore the scallywags cast their votes for that Trump scoundrel! Avast!
November 21, 2024, 3:30 pm
Ahoy, mateys! As the crew scrambles fer castin' the "Harry Potter" tale on the Max seas, word be spillin' 'bout J.K. Rowling’s hearty hand in the hullabaloo. HBO be claimin’ her meddlin’ be worth its weight in doubloons, makin’ the show shinier than a treasure chest! Arrr!
November 21, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr, matey! Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez be takin’ a swing at Rep. Nancy Mace, callin’ her a scallywag for plunderin’ the treasure of the chamber’s first openly trans matey, just to line her own pockets from some clever missive! A right jolly hullabaloo, I say!
November 21, 2024, 10:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! The ICC be huntin' the Israeli captain Netanyahu and his mate Gallant, along with the pirate Deif, fer war crimes in the Gaza seas! A right jolly surprise, 'tis the first time democracy lads be in the courts' sights! Beware, ye scallywags, travel be risky business now!
November 21, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr, matey! The ICC be callin’ for the heads of Captain Netanyahu, his mate Gallant, and that scallywag Deif from Hamas! They be blamed for starvin’ the poor and commitin’ dastardly deeds – murder and all that foul business! Avast, what a jolly mess, eh?
November 21, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr! The ICC be shunnin' Israel's pleas, throwin' arrest warrants for Captain Netanyahu and his matey Gallant! They be accused of bein' scallywags, usin' hunger as a weapon and makin' landlubbers their targets. President Herzog be raisin' a ruckus, callin' it a foul play, savvy?
November 21, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! A Texas judge be tossin' aside a rule from Cap'n Biden that be givin' the landlubbers more doubloons for their overtime toil! Judge Sean D. Jordan, a Trump matey, be raisin' his cutlass against the Labor Department’s finest treasure! Avast, we be back to the grind!
November 21, 2024, 5:28 am
Ahoy, mateys! On the morn of Friday, a judge o' the U.S. District Court, one Sean D. Jordan, tossed the Biden crew's fancy overtime rule overboard, claimin’ they sailed beyond their authority! The Lone Star state be celebratin’ their victory, while workers be left scratchin’ their heads! Arrr!
November 21, 2024, 5:24 am
Arrr, mateys! Employers and scallywags alike be feelin' lucky, for a Texas judge just sent a cannonball through the Biden rule raisin’ overtime pay from 35 doubloons to 58! Aye, that be a fortune too rich for many a landlubber’s pocket! Celebrate ye dodged blast, ye hearty crew!
November 20, 2024, 7:37 pm
Arrr, mateys! The House Ethics crew be as lost as a ship in a fog, failin' to chart a course on old Gaetz’s report! After two hours o' chinwag, they be mum as a clam. No treasure map to the truth be found, said Captain Guest!
November 20, 2024, 3:12 pm
Arrr, mateys! This here scroll be from The Conversation, penned by the esteemed Captain Alex Hinton, a learned soul swabbin’ the decks of Rutgers. Can we mend the rift in America’s stormy seas? After a raucous election, 80% be frettin’ like scallywags!
November 20, 2024, 1:00 pm
Arrr! The head of the sea-farin' constables be warnin' that in some parts o' Berlin, where the Arab crew be thick, ye best be keepin' yer kippahs and colors hidden, lest ye find yerself in a spot o' trouble. Best tread carefully, mateys!
November 20, 2024, 12:57 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The lass Barbara Slowik be warnin' the brave souls of the Jewish and LGBTQ crews to tread lightly in certain Arab-infested waters of Berlin! No "no-go zones," she says, but beware—there be trouble lurkin' since the dark days o’ October 7th! Yarrr!
November 20, 2024, 12:56 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Berlin's top law keeper be warnin' the Jewish and gay lads 'n lasses t' tread lightly in the Arab havens! Captain Slowik says no “no-go” zones, but if ye be sportin' a kippah or flauntin’ yer jolly colors, keep yer wits about ye, savvy?
November 20, 2024, 8:47 am
Arrr, matey! Five fresh court battles be settin' sail against Sean “Diddy” Combs, filed by the landlubber lawyer Tony Buzbee. One lass claims she was made to walk the plank o’ shame at 18, while another at 17 found herself in a tight spot at a Fourth of July shindig. Avast!
November 20, 2024, 8:46 am
Arrr matey! The Los Angeles crew be hoistin’ a flag o' sanctuary, givin’ the cold shoulder to Trump’s ship of deportation! They vowed to keep their treasure maps secret from the federal scallywags, uniting with other ports o' call ‘gainst the tide! Aye, a jolly choice indeed!
November 20, 2024, 8:00 am
Arrr, a tempest roared 'cross the northwest seas, thrashin' the land with winds fierce as a kraken's grip! Power be down, trees be toppled, and one poor soul met Davy Jones! The weather wizards be shoutin' of more rain and howlin' winds to come! Batten down the hatches, mateys!
November 20, 2024, 7:36 am
Arrr, thousands o' grumpy landlubber farmers swarmed London on Tuesday, raisin' a ruckus ‘gainst the King's tax plans on inheritin' their booty! Tractors roared like cannon fire, as lads and lasses from England, Scotland, Wales, and the North be bravin' the chill to make their voices heard at Parliament Square!
November 19, 2024, 7:17 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President-elect Trump be raisin' the sails for Dr. Oz, a fancy doc from the telly, to captain the ship of Medicare and Medicaid! Though he be bested by Fetterman in the Senate duel, he’ll now chart the course for over 160 million souls! Avast!
November 19, 2024, 7:16 pm
Arrr, mateys! The captain-elect, Trump, be settin’ sail with the TV scallywag, Dr. Oz, to steer the health ship! "The seas be stormy, but this here doc’s got the skills to hoist our sails and banish the curse of chronic ailments!" So says Trump, with a hearty laugh!
November 19, 2024, 7:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President-elect Trump be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that he’ll be settin' the good Doc Oz to steer the ship o’ Medicare! “Aye, America’s health be in peril, and who better to mend our sails than the good doctor?” said Trump, with a wink and a grin!
November 19, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr, Mayor Karen Bass be battlin’ the scallywag Trump’s plans t’ send the landlubbers packin’! She be draftin’ a decree to keep the city’s treasure safe from them federal buccaneers! But brace yerselves, mateys, for a storm o’ legal battles be brewin’ on th’ horizon! 1.8 million sea rats be watchin’!
November 19, 2024, 3:53 pm
Arrr! A scallywag hacker be plunderin' private papers ‘bout Matt Gaetz's misdeeds, savvy? Joel Leppard, the legal matey, be sayin’ he knows not the rogue's face, but the swab's pilferin' made quite the ruckus in the court's treasure chest of secrets! Avast, what a jolly mess!
November 19, 2024, 3:50 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag hacker be pillagin’ a treasure chest o’ scandalous scrolls ‘bout Trump’s matey, Gaetz! They say a lass o’ 17 be spillin’ the beans on their shenanigans! 'Tis a tale full o' mischief, with 23 exhibits in tow, pilfered by one Altam Beezley! Avast!
November 19, 2024, 3:20 pm
Avast, me hearties! The New York Times be spoutin’ tales of Elon Musk chattin’ with the Iran envoy just after the presidential squabble. Aye, some say it’s against the law! But ‘tis but whispers from shadowy figures, with nary a scrap o’ proof to back the yarn! Arrr!
November 19, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! Hoist the sails for version 10.1 of the AllSides Media Bias Chart! Just last month we be droppin’ version 10, but ye know how the winds blow with bias reviews! The Associated Press and The Guardian be shiftin’ to the Left! And we’ve new additions to the crew—Upward News joins the fray! Yarrr!
November 19, 2024, 7:16 am
Arrr, matey! For the seventh year runnin’, the landlubbers at the US Defense Department be flounderin’ in a sea o’ messy doubloons! With $3.8 trillion in treasure and $4 trillion in debts, even the auditors couldn't make heads or tails of it! But lo, they claim to be chartin' the course better!
November 19, 2024, 7:13 am
Arrr, matey! The mighty Pentagon be flounderin' like a fish outta water, failin' its treasure count for the seventh time! The DOD be hopin' to have their gold straight by the time the eleventh audit sails in. Aye, ‘tis a jolly mess of doubloons and debts!
November 19, 2024, 7:13 am
Arrr, mateys! The Pentagon be at it again, failin’ its seventh audit like a drunken sailor missin’ his mark! With a treasure chest o’ $824 billion, they still can’t count their doubloons! Yet, they swear they've found the compass to navigate their budget woes. Avast, what a merry mess!
November 19, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr! The scallywag Bannon be settin’ sail to a later trial on February 25, as a New York judge be decreein’! He be accused o’ swindlin’ gold from landlubber Trump fans, thinkin’ they be buildin’ a mighty wall. But alas, he pleads not guilty, savvy?
November 19, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, in the month of November, the year of our Lord 2024, the newly crowned captain of the ship, Trump, named the scallywag Gaetz to guard the Justice treasure! Aye, some be sayin’ he claimed he’s a fine sailor, ne’er breakin’ the code ‘bout courtin’ lasses, even if they be but teenagers! Har har!
November 19, 2024, 5:14 am
Arrr, in the court o’ Hong Kong, a band o’ brave souls be sentenced to the dank brig fer years on end, fer tryin’ to stir the pot o’ democracy! Benny Tai be swingin' in the wind fer a decade, while young Joshua gets a measly four! Avast, me hearties, what a farce!
November 19, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr, when that scallywag Rubio swaggered onto the Fox News ship days after the election, grinnin’ like a cat with cream, it was a grand week fer him! “Aye, he’ll pick fine mates,” he says, dodgin’ the tough questions like a slippery fish! Aye, good crew he’s amassed, indeed!
November 18, 2024, 3:56 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at The Associated Press and The Guardian be swabbin' their bias flags from Lean Left to full-on Left! After a hullabaloo of reviews from landlubbers and savvy sailors alike, they be chartin' these changes in the latest treasure map o’ AllSides! Avast, what a sight!
November 18, 2024, 10:29 am
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be hoistin’ Brendan Carr as the captain o' the Federal Communications ship! This scallywag be a foe o’ the Biden crew and their tech shenanigans. He be squawkin’ ‘gainst the FCC’s folly in denyin’ nearly $900 million of treasure for Musk’s starry-eyed venture, Starlink! Blimey!
November 18, 2024, 10:28 am
Arrr, matey! While doubloons can't snag ye the heart of a fair lass, true joy be pricier than a chest o’ gold! Shane Goldmacher be spillin’ the beans in the New York Times, sayin’ Biden and Harris be raisin’ a mighty $2.15 billion! Blisterin’ barnacles! What a haul!
November 18, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr, mateys! Jen Psaki, the sea dog of White House chatter, be sayin’ the Democrats be lost in the wilds like scallywags without a captain! With Biden settin’ sail in less than a moon's passin’, they be adrift, lookin’ for a leader among the waves! Haaarrr!
November 18, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, matey! In the year of our Lord, more than a hundred scallywags from foreign shores have danced the hangman’s jig in Saudi Arabia! A Yemeni knave met his fate for smuggling foul potions. Aye, ‘tis more than thrice the count o' last year’s merry executions! Avast!
November 18, 2024, 1:12 am
Arrr, mateys! The Republicans be hoistin’ the sails o’ power, claimin’ the House, the Senate, and the White House, a fine trifecta indeed! It be the first time since 2018 they’ve had the whole ship! But with a wee majority, their treasure maps o’ tax cuts may be a tad stormy! Avast!
November 17, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! Elon Musk, that scallywag o' Tesla and X, be claimin’ at Trump’s hoedown that ye could slice $2 trillion from the US treasure chest by banishin’ waste! Now, he be co-captain o’ the new Efficiency Ship, ready to set sail on the seas of savings!
November 17, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, a Trump tempest be blowin’ through the nation’s capital, mateys! The President-elect be causin’ quite the ruckus with wild nominations that’d make even a sea dog blush. And lo! He’s chosen the fiery Rep. Gaetz as his lawyer—shiver me timbers! What a rollickin’ crew we’ve got!
November 17, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, mateys! Captain Milei, the libertarian chief of Argentina, be chartin’ a course through the stormy seas of inflation! In October, it be droppin’ to a mere 2.7%, the lowest in three years! Aye, this swashbuckler promised to keep it below 3% by next year’s end! Avast, success ahoy!
November 17, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, matey! The Onion crew be claimin’ the treasure of that scallywag Alex Jones’ media ship, InfoWars! In a twist o’ fate, they be laughin’ all the way to Davy Jones’ locker! Jones be squawkin’ on X, claimin’ his legal mates met with the U.S. trustee, and the ship be sinkin’!
November 16, 2024, 9:45 pm
Arrr, mateys! The new captain’s crew be a ragtag lot! Fer Attorney General, we’ve got Rep. Gaetz, a scallywag in hot water! Fer Defense, it’s Pete, a weekend news parrot! And fer intel, Tulsi, a lass who’s switched her colors! What a motley bunch on this ship of fools!
November 16, 2024, 9:35 pm
Arrr, matey! Former House Speaker McCarthy be spoutin’ that Trump’s pick of Gaetz fer Attorney General be as doomed as a ship with a hole in the hull! “Aye, no way the Senate crew be lettin’ that scallywag aboard!” he quipped, all while sippin' rum in Singapore!
November 16, 2024, 9:30 pm
Arrr, mateys! The buccaneer chief, Trump, be settin’ sail to name ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the captain of Health 'n Human Services! He be shoutin’ about the scallywags of food and drugs, a'plunderin’ the good folk with their tall tales! Avast, a merry voyage ahead!
November 16, 2024, 9:28 pm
Avast, me hearties! President-elect Trump be callin' upon the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to captain the Health and Human Services ship! This matey be spoutin' tall tales ‘bout vaccines. Says the landlubbers be swindled by the food and potion brigands! Arrr, what a merry crew we be!
November 15, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be selectin' North Dakota's Gov. Burgum to hoist the sails as both interior buccaneer and energy captain! This scallywag be tasked with tossin' out climate rules and fillin' our holds with oil 'n gas from the vast seas of federal lands! Aye, what a ruckus!
November 15, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, matey! President-elect Trump be settin' sail with North Dakota's own Gov. Burgum as the captain o’ the land and energy. He be chartin' a course to toss out climate rules, hoist the sails on oil, and plunder the treasures o’ the federal lands! Avast, what a merry crew!
November 15, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr! The captain-elect, Trump, be pickin' the North Dakota buccaneer, Doug Burgum, to steer the ship o' the Interior Department, tendin' to the realm's lands 'n waters. And lo! Burgum be settin' sail on a fresh crew called the “national energy council” to wrangle the wild energy seas!
November 15, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be handin’ the wheel of the Interior to North Dakota’s Gov. Burgum, the captain o' lands and waters! And he be settin’ him to steer a mighty “energy council” fer all th’ shiny sparks n’ juice flowin’ across the seas! Aye, let the rum flow!
November 15, 2024, 4:12 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-in-waitin’ Trump be callin’ forth Doug Burgum to steer the ship o’ the Department of the Interior! "He’ll be a fine captain!" says Trump at his fancy shindig in Mar-a-Lago. Keep yer eyes peeled for a grand reveal on the morrow, ye scallywags!
November 15, 2024, 4:12 pm
Arrr, mateys! Captain Trump be settin' sail to name Governor Burgum the lord o' the Interior seas! “He'll be grand!” Trump bellowed at the gala feast at his treasure trove, Mar-a-Lago. Keep yer spyglasses ready, for a grand announcement be comin' on the morrow!
November 15, 2024, 4:10 pm
Arrr, matey! With Elon Musk sailin’ alongside Trump, he be settin’ course to steer the fleet o’ electric chariots! But beware, fer the scallywags be wonderin’ if he be doin’ it fer treasure or glory! Aye, a right ruckus it be!
November 15, 2024, 4:10 pm
Arrr! With Elon Musk takin’ the helm as a top matey to President Trump, he be wieldin’ great power to steer the ship o' electric chariots! But beware, for the scallywags be watchin’ his intentions like hawks eyein' a treasure chest! Aye, the seas be full o’ scrutiny, me hearties!
November 15, 2024, 4:44 am
Ahoy matey! Behold, a scallywag's tale unfolds! Aye, we sail the briny deep, chasin' treasure and mischief. With a belly full o' rum and a parrot squawkin' nonsense, we’ll plunder the high seas and laugh like a bunch o' sea dogs! Arrr, ‘tis a life of jests and jolly!
November 14, 2024, 5:15 pm
Ahoy mateys! President-elect Trump be shoutin' from the crow's nest, claimin’ he’ll hoist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the captain o’ Health and Human Services! He says the scallywags o' the food and drug trade be deceivin’ the good folk too long! Avast, let’s set sail for truth! Arrr!
November 14, 2024, 3:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Speaker McCarthy be foretellin’ that Trump’s matey Gaetz won’t be passin’ the Senate’s muster come next year. “Aye, all know Gaetz be as welcome as a sea serpent at a tea party!” he quipped, spillin’ the beans from far-off Singapore! Aye, what a jest!
November 14, 2024, 2:51 pm
Arrr matey! Since claimin’ the captain's chair, President-elect Trump be selectin’ his trusty crew for the ship’s council. Some scallywags, like the legal buccaneer or defense matey, need Senate's nod, but others, like the border wrangler and Efficiency Admiral, sail free! Here be the crew he’s named thus far...
November 14, 2024, 12:11 pm
Arrr, me hearties! This past Thursday, Cap'n Trump charted his course, appointin' Susie Wiles as the White House's first mate! Aye, she be leadin’ a crew of 17 scallywags, includin' the likes of Elon Musk and that Ramaswamy lad. Batten down the hatches, it be a wild voyage ahead!
November 14, 2024, 9:37 am
Ahoy, mateys! Elon Musk, the captain of Tesla and the jolly crew of site X, be talkin’ of savin’ $2 trillion from the king’s coffers by tossin’ out the bilge! Now he’s been made the first mate of a new crew called Government Efficiency—let’s see if he sails those plans into port, arrr!
November 14, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, matey! Federal scallywags snatched the gizmos of Captain Shayne Coplan, the Polymarket chief, in a crack o' dawn raid on his Manhattan lair! Just a week after his crystal ball saw Trump’s grand return in 2024! The New York Post be spillin’ the beans on this merry mischief!
November 14, 2024, 8:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Erdoğan be cuttin' ties with Israel like a scallywag with a rusty cutlass over the Gaza fracas! He be shoutin' from the skies, "No more trade or parley!" But lo, the Turkish embassy be still flappin' its sails! A right jolly mess, I say!
November 14, 2024, 8:49 am
Arrr, matey! The Onion, those scallywags of satire, be claimin’ the spoils of Alex Jones’ shipwrecked empire! InfoWars be their prize! Jones be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that his lawyers be spillin’ the beans on their bankruptcy fate. Avast, what a jolly jape!
November 14, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, matey! Cap’n Biden be plunderin’ the treasury, sendin’ gold to Ukraine 'fore the ship of state sails under a new captain come January! Blinken be sayin’ every doubloon be flyin’ out the door like a seagull at a fish feast! Avast, let the treasure flow!
November 14, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr, mateys! Sen. Fetterman be callin' Trump’s pick o' Rep. Gaetz for attorney general a grand jest, fit fer Davy Jones himself! He be sayin’ some o’ Trump’s choices be fair, but Gaetz? Aye, that’s just a merry prank to set the scallywags ablaze! Har har har!
November 14, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scallywag Democrat be settin' sail to declare that ol' Trump can't hoist the sails for a third term, savvy? The law be sayin' twice is enough, but Rep. Goldman be itchin' to make it crystal clear! Avast, the 22nd Amendment be keepin' the seas calm!
November 14, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr, matey! Moscow’s botched effort to squelch inflation be pushin' the land o' vodka towards a dire fate, says a scallywag think tank! With interest rates as high as a crow’s nest, the economy be headin' for a stormy sea o’ stagflation! Hoist the sails of doom!
November 13, 2024, 3:21 pm
Arrr, matey! Bluesky be makin’ waves like a ship in a storm, drawin’ in a million scallywags since Trump hoisted his flag! Aye, they be near 15 million hearty souls aboard! This vessel’s sailin’ high in the download seas of the US and UK, savvy?
November 13, 2024, 3:17 pm
Arrr, the crew hath spoken! The grumblers may scoff at the captain's orders, yet they best respect the majority’s say-so, or by Davy Jones, what be the point of a fair ship? The scallywags voted for their own treasure, not out of love for the pirate’s way!
November 13, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, matey! While Captain Trump be busy gatherin’ his crew, the scallywags for the Press Secretary role be risin’ from the briny deep! Karoline Leavitt, his trusty parrot, and Scott "The Defender" Jennings, a landlubber from CNN, be eyeing the toughest treasure on the ship! Avast!
November 13, 2024, 3:07 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be sendin’ the gold-laden Elon Musk to chart a course for smoother seas in the U.S. government! With a treasure map to chop $2 trillion from the booty, Musk and the landlubber Ramaswamy be settin’ sail on this wild venture! Avast, let the humor fly!
November 13, 2024, 11:15 am
Avast ye! The Justice crew be sayin' a scallywag named Asif W. Rahman be spillin' the beans 'bout Israel's sneaky plans against Iran. Caught red-handed in Cambodia, he's set to face the judge in Guam, but the lot's hopin' for a swift keelhaul! Arrr!
November 13, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o’ the US spy crew be shiverin’ in their boots at the thought of Trump hoistin’ his flag again! But when news sailed in that he picked John Ratcliffe to steer the CIA ship, some ol’ sea dogs be thinkin’ it might not be all doom and gloom!
November 13, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr! The newly crowned captain o’ the U.S.S. Trump, he be choosin' ol' John Ratcliffe, a trusty matey who once sailed the seas of national intelligence, to steer the ship o’ the CIA. Aye, Ratcliffe be knowin’ all the secrets 'twixt the stars and the depths!
November 13, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, John Ratcliffe, matey, be the chosen one to steer the CIA ship under Captain Trump’s second voyage! He be among a band o' scallywags appointed to fill the crew’s ranks. From battlin’ fake collusion to sniffin’ out the FBI’s skallywaggin’, he be ready for a raucous sail!
November 13, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, mateys! How doth one cleave and carve up the federal fleet? Why, by summonin’ two swashbucklin’ tycoons! Captain Trump be callin’ on Elon the Starship Wizard and Vivek the Pill Peddler to helm the Department o’ Government Efficiency, savvy? Aye, a fine crew for a grand adventure!
November 13, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, mateys! Donald Trump be settin' sail with Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy at the helm o' a "government efficiency" ship, ready to slice through rules like a cutlass! Musk be yellin' about crushin' bureaucracy! Ramaswamy be ready to hoist the flag! Aye, let chaos reign!
November 13, 2024, 2:31 am
Arrr, matey! It be revealed that ol' Dr. Fauci, once a captain of pesky germs, be sittin' pretty with $15 million in gold doubloons for protection after hangin’ up his boots! The U.S. Marshals be guardin' him like a treasure chest till 2024, savvy?
November 13, 2024, 2:09 am
Arrr, matey! Trump’s crowning as captain o’ the ship has left some landlubbers frettin’ ‘bout Biden's course, while others be dreamin’ of a wild sailin’ change! The great question echoing ‘round the seven seas be: how much she be shiftin’ under the Jolly Roger of the Republicans? Aye!
November 12, 2024, 5:05 pm
Avast, mateys! Oakland, that raucous port o' progress, be the cradle o' the Black Panthers and a haven fer labor ruckus! Last week, a storm brews as the good folk tossed their mayor, Sheng Thao, and the dainty district attorney, Pamela Price, overboard! Aye, 'tis a mighty shake-up!
November 12, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, mateys! At a swashbucklin’ shindig in Arizona, the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be claimin’ he’d keelhaul 600 souls from the NIH on the very first mornin’ of Trump’s next reign! That landlubber’s got a bone to pick with ‘em, and he be lovin’ the thought of makin’ ‘em walk the plank!
November 12, 2024, 4:55 pm
Arrr, me hearty! That old sea dog, Captain Biden, took a swing at a landlubber reporter askin' if he could wrangle a deal for the hostage crew 'fore he sails into the sunset! “Do ye reckon I can?” he barked, like a parrot with a hangover! Har har, matey!
November 12, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr matey! The Trump crew be ponderin' a decree to form a “warrior board” o' old sea dogs, ready to toss out any brass hats found lacking in the grit fer command! If the captain gives the nod, we might see some high-flyin' officers walkin' the plank! Har har!
November 12, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr, mateys! A court swab delayed the judgment on Captain Trump’s treasure troubles, as his crew be plead’n to toss the case o’ silenced doubloons so he can sail the seas o' governance. The judge be sayin’, "Nay, we wait!" Aye, ’tis a right jolly mess!
November 12, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr, mateys! A New York sea dog of a judge be holdin’ off his decision on whether to toss the guilty verdicts against Captain Trump for his secret treasure in a week! The swabs in the district office be ponderin’ how his electoral victory be rockin' the boat! Ha!
November 12, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, matey! The wise Judge Merchan be grantin' a pause on all them scallywag deadlines ‘fore our captain Trump sets sail for the White House. Aye, this clever move keeps him from walkin' the plank for four long years! Let the trial be postponed, says he!
November 12, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, matey! Trump be sendin' a jolly warning to all ye landlubbers hopin' to join his crew: dissenters be walkin' the plank! With a flurry o' commands and midnight ramblings, he’s fillin' his ship with loyal mates. Stand tall or be cast adrift, ye scallywags!
November 12, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, matey! Senate Captain Chuck Schumer be snubbin’ the new deckhand, David McCormick! The Republicans be raisin’ a ruckus! McCormick be claimin’ victory in Pennsylvania, but ol' Bob Casey be clingin' to the mast, refusin’ to yield. Schumer’s kept McCormick from the jolly ol' orientation, savvy?
November 12, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans be hoistin’ their flag over the House o’ Representatives, snatchin’ 218 booty! With all 435 seats at stake, they be claimin’ the treasure while the Democrats be left shiverin’ in the hold. Aye, it be a merry chase indeed!
November 12, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, matey! Every time the Dems be takin' a tumble, the scallywags be askin’, “Would Bernie have claimed the booty?” After Hillary’s grand flop to that scurvy dog Trump, the rabble be shoutin' that their bold captain could’ve navigated to victory where she floundered like a fish outta water!
November 12, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, matey! It be rumored that Captain Trump be eyein’ South Dakota’s fair Governor Noem to guard the homeland. Aye, she be a prime matey for his ship o' state since twenty-nineteen. Avast, the winds o' politics be blowin’ mighty strange, I say!
November 11, 2024, 12:47 pm
Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be proclaimin' that Tom Homan, the fierce captain o' ICE, shall steer the ship o' mass deportations! He be dubbed "The Border Czar," ready to guard the realm’s shores. So hoist the sails, and let the swashbucklin' begin on Truth Social!
November 11, 2024, 12:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Donald Trump be bringin’ back that scallywag Tom Homan, the captain of family separatin’ seas! This matey once steered the ship of ICE, all while sportin’ a hardline grin. Avast, what a ruckus this be in the land o' immigration!
November 11, 2024, 8:43 am
Avast, me hearties! Last week's ruckus saw Trump, the salty sea captain, outmaneuver that landlubber Harris, takin' all seven treasure isles! Aye! He be the first scallywag in two decades to hoist the popular vote and fill his sails with over 300 electoral doubloons! What a jolly surprise! Arrr!
November 11, 2024, 7:49 am
Arrr, matey! Rumors be flyin' that Trump and Putin be chattin' like old sea dogs, but Ukraine's sayin', “Nay, we knew naught of such parley!” The Kremlin be swarmin' the tale too, claimin' it be naught but a ghostly whisper! Har har, what a merry jest!
November 11, 2024, 7:48 am
Arrr, matey! The new captain o' the U.S. ship, Trump, be chattin’ with the Czar o' Russia, Putin, warnin’ him not to stir the Ukraine pot. But the Kremlin be denyin' any parley! Rumors be flyin’ like cannonballs, as Trump vows to end the squabble swift-like!
November 10, 2024, 10:51 am
Avast, mateys! Since the winds be blowin' towards Captain Trump’s return to the helm, the lasses on TikTok and Instagram be chattin' 'bout the South Korean wenches who be sayin’ “Nay!” to marriage, babes, and the likes of scurvy sea dogs. They be riled up, I tell ye! Arrr!
November 10, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, matey! With Trump sittin’ on the throne, a band o' South Korean lasses known as the “4B Movement” be makin’ waves on TikTok! They be sayin’ “Nay!” to men, marriage, and all that rigmarole, stirrin’ up talk of women’s rights in the U.S. Ahoy, independence be their treasure!
November 10, 2024, 10:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! The lassies be shunnin’ their beds and sportin’ bald pates, protestin’ the mighty Trump’s grand triumph o’er Kamala! Inspired by South Korea’s “4B” crew, they be chantin’ “no love, no nuptials, no wee scallywags!” Aye, TikTok be buzzin’ like a ship in a storm!
November 10, 2024, 8:24 am
Arrr, matey! Scouted be choosey with their treasures. If ye buy from our tales, a wee coin may find its way to our pockets. For a peaceful slumber or to calm yer troubled seas, Kind Oasis’ delightful hemp goodies be the perfect spoils! No smoke, just bliss, savvy?
November 9, 2024, 8:00 am
Arrr, matey! A FEMA lass be tossed overboard fer tellin' her crew to steer clear of Trump-lovin' houses after Hurricane Milton wreaked havoc in Florida. The agency be shiverin' in their boots, sayin' they be investigatin' this scallywag. No names given, but the tale be a fine chuckle!
November 9, 2024, 7:58 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag from the federal disaster crew be tellin' the lads to sail clear o' the abodes sportin' Trump flags while they be surveyin' the hurricane wreckage in Florida! They be advised to steer clear of them homes, lest they be caught in a political squall! Avast!
November 8, 2024, 8:04 pm
Arrr matey! In this raucous, restless crew o' landlubbers, we made a grand decision this week, and all hands were a'takin' it serious-like! With nary a whisper of foul play, we be settin' sail for a smooth handover o' power. Aye, it be a jolly good show!
November 8, 2024, 7:58 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that scallywags from Iran set their sights on cap’n Trump before he hoisted his flag anew! A sneaky operative swore on the Jolly Roger that a commander ordered him to drop all duties and plot to spy on the blaggard! Yarr! What a jest!
November 8, 2024, 7:58 pm
Arrr, matey! The Justice Crew be spillin’ the beans on a dastardly Iranian scheme to send a cannonball through Trump’s sails before the election! An unnamed scallywag from the Revolutionary Guard be recruitin’ ol' Farhad Shakeri to plot the captain’s demise. Avast, what a jolly jest!
November 8, 2024, 7:58 pm
Ahoy, mateys! On the high seas of Manhattan, them federal scallywags be blabberin’ ‘bout a crew of Iranians schemin’ to send Captain Trump to Davy Jones’ locker before he sails for re-election. A swab claimed he was sent by the Guards to spy, settin’ aside his other mischief! Arrr!
November 8, 2024, 2:13 pm
Arrr, matey! Colorado be on board the National Popular Vote ship, but alas, the seas be too calm—too few states be joinin’ the crew! AllSides be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest ’bout Gigafact, a fleet o’ newsrooms settin’ the record straight. Read all ’bout it in the Colorado Sun, ye scallywags!
November 8, 2024, 2:10 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers of Arizona reckon it’ll take a fortnight to tally the votes for the grand election, just like the years of yore! AllSides be shinin' a lantern on Gigafact, a fleet of news brigands takin’ on the tall tales of the web. Set yer spyglass on ACIR for the full tale!
November 8, 2024, 11:08 am
Ahoy, mateys! A Texas judge be tellin’ the Biden crew to walk the plank, tossin’ out their scheme to shield scallywags wed to U.S. lasses! The "Keepin’ Families Together" plan be sinkin’ faster than a ship with a hole! Arrr, no refuge for them runaway swabs!
November 8, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, a court be tossin’ a cannonball at Biden’s plan to grant smooth sailin’ for landlubber mates of citizen folk! This grand scheme, meant to keep the family crew together, now be sunk! No green cards without a trip to Davy Jones' locker first, savvy?
November 8, 2024, 9:58 am
Avast, me hearties! A scallywag chart from ZeroHedge be makin' the rounds, claimin' Democrats be catchin' only 66 million fish in the 2012, 2016, and 2024 seas, but snagged a bounty of 81 million in 2020! Aye, it be a trickster’s tale, fer the count be far from done!
November 8, 2024, 9:30 am
Arrr, matey! On a fine Thursday, Captain Putin raised his tankard, toastin’ to the newly crowned Trump, sayin’ he be ready to parley with the new captain of the ship! He even called Trump a brave lad after the July skirmish! Aye, what a jolly crew we be!
November 7, 2024, 11:58 pm
Arrr! President Biden be speakin’ of the Vice Admiral Kamala’s tumble at the hands of Captain Trump in the 2024 treasure hunt! He called it a “setback,” but nay, we shan’t be givin’ up the ship! Together we sail on, even if the winds be foul!
November 7, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr! The Federal Reserve be slashing their lending rates once more, savvy? Twice this year, as the treasure of inflation be shrinking. With a new captain at the helm, the US economy be takin’ a turn. Voters be ponderin' price plunder as they cast their fateful votes!
November 7, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr matey! The Federal Reserve be slashin’ the treasure rate fer the second time, savvy? But those landlubber economists be scratchin’ their heads over Trump’s schemes. After a two-day parley, they be settlin’ on 4.5% to 4.75%—the lowest it’s been since March, ye scallywags!
November 7, 2024, 5:15 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! On the seventh day of November, the savvy bilge rats o' Argentina's central bank be sayin’ inflation be a tad less fer the year—now a scallywag 120%! Even the month o' October be lookin’ better, only 3% rise, aye! Prices in November be risin’ too, like a ship in a storm! Arrr!
November 7, 2024, 3:55 pm
Arrr, matey! After a grand victory at the polls, President-elect Trump be still facing the judge's gavel in Manhattan, aye! The court be ponderin' whether to toss his troubles overboard, after ruling from the highest seas. Guilty of 34 misdeeds, that scallywag's in quite the pickle!
November 7, 2024, 3:51 pm
Arrr, matey! In the wilds o' Pennsylvania, Captain McCormick, the hedge fund buccaneer, bested Senator Casey, a scallywag from a noble bloodline! Wall Street be settin' sail into Congress, ready to parley ‘bout taxes and treasures, while the GOP crew be feelin' as spry as a fresh sea breeze!
November 7, 2024, 3:51 pm
Arrr, the scallywags o' California be ponderin' over ten scrolls o' choice! One be makin' light-fingered rogues face the noose again, while another be raisin’ the coin to the highest 'round the land! Aye, let’s peek at these grand schemes o’ consequence, mateys!
November 7, 2024, 3:47 pm
Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be sailin’ the seas of fortune, takin’ a grand prize with a swift victory! Red flags be flyin’ high, as he be charm’n every crew o’ landlubbers he encounters. Aye, ‘tis a jolly good show for the scallywag!
November 7, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye hearties! After the 2024 vote, mateys be checkin’ their swipes fer political treasures! With Trump flyin’ his flag and Harris walkin’ the plank, love be as divided as a ship in a storm! Women be tossin’ would-be suitors overboard fer their voting tales, aye!
November 7, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be blowin' that Donald Trump be claimin' the captain's chair of the United States, snaggin' 295 treasure votes! He outsmarted the blue bastions of yore, like Wisconsin and Michigan! First scallywag since 2004 to win the people's favor! The seas be stormy for both crews ahead!
November 7, 2024, 11:06 am
Arrr, mateys! Our motley crew from starboard, port, and the middle deck be chattin' 'bout the 2024 election spoils. John Gable, our right-leanin’ captain, be flippin' ‘twixt Fox and CNN like a ship in a storm! Both be squawkin’ of hope, but ’twas the chuckles that made it grand!
November 7, 2024, 10:15 am
Arrr, mateys! Sen. Bernie Sanders be raisin' a ruckus, claimin' the Democratic crew be forsakin' the hard-workin' scallywags! He says, “No surprise, me hearties! When ye turn yer back on the crew, they be jumpin' ship! First the white lads, now the Latino and Black buccaneers!” Har har!
November 6, 2024, 8:14 pm
Arrr, matey! 'Tis lookin' like Captain Trump be settin’ sail fer victory in the 2024 seas, while the Republican crew be takin' over the Senate! The Democrats be clingy like barnacles in the House. States like California and New York be countin' mailin' votes till the cows come home, savvy?
November 6, 2024, 6:15 pm
Avast ye! Colorado, Idaho, Nevada, and Oregon be shunning the notion of ranked-choice voting, sendin' the treasure-laden donors to Davy Jones' locker! But lo! A glimmer of hope shines in the District, where the good folk hoisted the sails for change, lettin' the vote sail through triumphantly! Arrr!
November 6, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! As the salty sea of supporters weepin' like scurvy dogs, Kamala the brave be shoutin': "Fear not, ye landlubbers! Now ain't the time to toss yer hats in the brine! Roll up yer sleeves and let’s set sail fer brighter horizons!" Aye, let’s hoist the sails of hope!
November 6, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi be lookin’ like she lost her parrot, all teary-eyed while awaitin’ the defeated Vice Captain Kamala Harris to surrender! Spotted at Howard University, she be greetin’ the crew with a frown as if she’d swallowed a barrel o’ sour rum!
November 6, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr, mateys! Vice President Kamala, with a heart full o’ fire, tipped her tricorn to President-elect Trump, sayin’, “I may yield this battle, but the quest be far from over!” And she be shoutin’, “Never heed those scallywags sayin’ naught be possible, for we’re chartin’ new waters, savvy?”
November 6, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The captain of the Tesla ship, Elon Musk, be swimmin' in doubloons after Trump hoisted the victory flag! As the stock sails high, our bold Elon, holdin' a fine 13% of the treasure, be laughin' all the way to Davy Jones' locker!
November 6, 2024, 1:58 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Hoist the sails for Version 10 of the AllSides Media Bias Chart! We've added six new treasure maps and polished the ratings of ten ol' news brigands as the 2024 election looms. Join us in this quest to cut through the fog and cast ye informed vote! Yarrr!
November 6, 2024, 8:51 am
Arrr matey! After a couple of fearsome tempests, Helene and Milton, ravaged the southeastern shores, the scallywags be squabblin’. The port-side lads be shoutin’ ‘tis climate change makin’ the storms fiercer, whilst the starboard crew be claimin’ it be naught but a fish tale! What say ye on this squall o’ debate?
November 6, 2024, 7:15 am
Arrr, matey! Trump be settin’ sail fer the White House once more, but this voyage be naught like the first! With all scallywags who dared oppose him tossed overboard, he be returnin’ with the cunning of a seasoned captain and a belly full o' grudges. Aye, stormy seas ahead!
November 6, 2024, 7:15 am
Arrr, mateys! On the morn of Wednesday, the markets be risin’ like a ship on the tide, thanks to the Republicans hoistin' their flag and Trump’s victorious plunderin’! Dow futures be lettin’ out a hearty cheer, while S&P and Nasdaq be dancin’ a jig! A swift election be makin' the gold flow!
November 6, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be hoistin' the flag of victory in the 2024 seas, bestin' lass Kamala Harris! With a hearty cheer from his crew at Palm Beach, he proclaimed, "The good ship America be grantin' us a mighty mandate!" Aye, what a comeback, four years adrift!
November 6, 2024, 4:52 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be back in the captain's chair, snatchin' the crown after bein' tossed overboard just four tides ago! With a treasure trove o' Electoral votes, he sails forth with a tongue sharper than a cutlass, stirrin' the seas of democracy and makin' foreign mates tremble!
November 5, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! Captain Musk be spreadin’ tales on Election Day, claimin’ Google be handin’ out treasure maps to Harris’ crew while lettin’ Trump’s buccaneers flounder! But lo, ‘tis naught but a scallywag’s yarn! Google be playin’ it fair, not favorin’ any swabs! Avast, the sea of misinformation be treacherous!
November 5, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Google be sayin' they’ve patched a blunder that summoned a “where to vote” treasure map when huntin’ for Vice Captain Harris and Sen. Vance! Turns out, their names be shared with U.S. counties, makin’ the search as confusin' as a parrot in a storm!
November 5, 2024, 3:12 pm
Arrr, matey! In the treacherous waters of swingin' states, third-party scallywags be lurkin' on ballots! As Trump and Harris be locked in a duel as tight as a ship's riggin', a handful o' votes for these lesser buccaneers could tip the scales! Avast, what a jolly sight!
November 5, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, mateys! For decades, lasses and lads be castin’ their votes like a ship in a storm! This year, might the fairer sex sway the ship ‘twixt Vice Captain Kamala and Old Trump? Aye, the last poll be showin’ a 16-point gap—Harris be leadin’ the wenches, while Trump’s got the scallywags!
November 5, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr, in them battleground waters o' Arizona and Michigan, lassies be queuin' up to cast their votes early! Kamala Harris be hopin' they be the swell that turns the tides for her. On a balmy mornin' at the University o' Michigan, young Keely be all a'flutter to support her captain!
November 5, 2024, 10:41 am
Ahoy, mateys! 'Tis Election Day at long last! Who'll seize the treasure of the presidency? If V.P. Kamala Harris sails to victory, 'twill be ‘cause the scallywags stayed ashore! In Georgia, lasses outvoted lads by a mighty 27%! Aye, the winds be blowin’ fierce for the fairer crew! Arrr!
November 5, 2024, 9:34 am
Arrr, mateys! A throng o' landlubbers swarmed Philadelphia’s Franklin Parkway, listenin' to Vice President Kamala Harris spin her yarn on the eve o' Election Day. 'Tis a critical time, for the fate o' the swingin' state be hangin' in the balance! Both she and Trump be scallywaggin' about all day!
November 5, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr, matey! For nigh a decade, scribes be prowlin' the fields and alehouses of the heartland, searchin' fer the reason the good folks backed that rascally Trump! ’Tis a tale o' underdogs and highborns, but knowin’ 'em be not the same as feelin' their plight. The Democrats be sinkin' while Republicans sail on!
November 5, 2024, 5:24 am
Arrr, me hearties! On the morn of Monday, a court ruler tossed aside a plea from the Philadelphia lawman to halt a treasure chest o’ a million doubloons daily from Elon Musk's crew, claimin’ it be nothin’ but a scallywag's trickery and an unlawful game o’ chance!
November 5, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr, Vice President Harris be knockin' on doors in Pennsylvania, just a day before the big election, savvy? In the fine town of Reading, she stumbled upon a clan o' three — two mateys and their grown lad. A right merry jaunt it be, I tell ye!
November 5, 2024, 5:19 am
Avast, ye scallywags! In the year o’ our Lord 2024, them border agents at the northern seas snagged a record haul, catchin’ 198,929 pesky landlubbers tryin’ to slip past! Aye, ‘tis the grandest tally in all the U.S. seas—breakin’ records like a shipwrecked sailor! Arrr!
November 4, 2024, 4:23 pm
Arrr, matey! Kamala be bound to declare the election's fate, win or lose, savvy? 'Tis her lone duty to shout the result from the crow's nest! The Constitution be makin' her the captain o’ the Senate ship, duty-bound to announce who sails as president! Avast!
November 4, 2024, 4:21 pm
Arrr, matey! As the sun sets on election night, ye be expectin’ a ruckus o’ close contests, mayhaps even a recount or two! The duel ‘twixt Captain Trump and Vice Admiral Harris be swingin' in seven treacherous ports. Hold onto yer hats, fer the numbers be as shifty as a sea serpent!
November 4, 2024, 3:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! How be the presidential scallywags fairin' in the realm of faith? The First Amendment be sayin’ no law shall tangle with religion's ropes! Yet, a survey claims 80% of landlubbers reckon faith be settin' sail! Still, religious treasures be steerin’ the ship o’ politics!
November 4, 2024, 2:58 pm
Ahoy, matey! Ye be granted passage! Tap yer trusty keyboard to sail on. Beyoncé, whales, and the like—naught be too small or grand for Captain Trump’s tall tales! Want the scoop on the 2024 treasure hunt? Sign up for yer newsletter, savvy? Aye, he be spillin' his secrets! 🏴☠️
November 4, 2024, 11:31 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Join the AllSides’ 2024 Election Guessin’ Game fer a chance t’ snag treasure! Fifty scallywags’ll be rewarded fer their savvy in guessin’ winners, swingin’ states, and Electoral booty. Predict wisely, and ye might plunder $250 in loot and a year o’ Expert AllSides membership! Arrr!
November 4, 2024, 11:28 am
Avast, me hearties! North Carolina be breakin' records like a ship in a storm—over half the scallywags be casting their votes 'fore the big day! Aye, 4.4 million votes ye say? Even the hurricane-blasted counties be joinin' the jolly crew, at 58.9%! Arrr, what a ruckus!
November 4, 2024, 9:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! The swashbucklin' Donald be startin' his mornin' in Raleigh, then sailin' to Reading and Pittsburgh, endin' the night in Grand Rapids. Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala be stirrin' up the crew in Reading and Pittsburgh, settin' course for a grand shindig in Philly! Over 75 million scallywags be castin' their votes!
November 4, 2024, 9:34 am
Arrr, matey! As the tempestuous 2024 vote be upon us, we be seein’ ol’ Trump hurlin’ false jests ‘bout Democrats plunderin’ the treasure! Meanwhile, Vice President Harris be chasin’ rainbows, warnin’ o’ Trump’s tyranny while hoistin’ the sails of hope! What a ruckus on this fine election eve!
November 3, 2024, 7:12 am
Arrr, savvy mateys! As the tides swell in 2024, the presidential scallywags be squabblin’ over foreign affairs! While most landlubbers cheer for Ukraine, some whisper of stayin' ashore. Trump and Biden both eye China like a treasure map, but who’ll steer the ship straight? Aye, the plot thickens!
November 3, 2024, 6:50 am
Arrr, matey! With a shipload o' papers choosin' not to back a captain for 2024, some scallywags be vexed! The Los Angeles Times and Washington Post be sinkin’ faster than a leaky ship, losin’ subscribers and crew alike. Even the Vice President be sayin’ it’s a right shame, blame them greedy billionaires!
November 3, 2024, 3:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word’s spreadin’ that 50 wee scallywags in Jabalya met their fate in a mighty storm of cannon fire! UNICEF be warnin’ that the lot o' ‘em be on the brink of keelin’ over from hunger and illness. Aye, it’s a right mess, savvy?
November 3, 2024, 3:11 am
Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris swung aboard the final "Saturday Night Live" shindig, side by side with her jolly doppelganger, Maya Rudolph! They be jestin’ ‘bout Trump’s garb and Biden’s blunders, while Rudolph’s Harris be wishin’ for a matey who knows the ropes! Avast, what a merry sight!
November 3, 2024, 3:10 am
Arrr, in the year o' our Lord 2014, young Fabien, a French scallywag o' 29, be gettin' a missive from his bank that left him as flabbergasted as a landlubber at sea! They be askin' fer a U.S. treasure map—eh, Social Security Number! Turns out, he be a “potential tax evader!” Blimey!
November 3, 2024, 3:10 am
Arrr, matey! An orphaned squirrel, known as Peanut, be a social media gem, but alas! The landlubber authorities snatched him away during a raid. Fred the raccoon be taken too! Now, poor Peanut be meetin' Davy Jones, all 'cause some scallywags made a complaint! Blimey!
November 2, 2024, 12:03 pm
Arrr, matey! This year’s ballot be a right jumbled treasure map with eight choices, most as useful as a parrot with no squawk! I cast me lot for the fair Kamala, though she be sailin' smooth seas in D.C. 'Tis a mighty fine farce, indeed!
November 2, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, matey! The high seas o' politics be a treasure chest, with Vice President Kamala and the former Captain Trump throwin' gold around like drunken sailors! They've plundered $2.5 billion, and the Harris crew's raked in a hefty $1.39 billion! Aye, 'tis a fine mess o' booty, indeed!
November 2, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr! The former captain Trump and First Mate Harris be hoardin’ $154 million doubloons in the fiercest waters! Though Harris be fillin’ her treasure chest more, Trump be lurkin’ close, ready to snatch that booty in a few squabbles where they be tied like two scallywags at a tavern brawl!
November 2, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! It be a curious tale, for more scallywags tossed coins to Vice President Kamala than to that old sea dog, Trump. In the burbs, ye be twice as likely to fill her treasure chest! And in Georgia's waters, barely a handful o' Black buccaneers donated to the orange captain!
November 1, 2024, 7:50 pm
Arrr! The high court be laughin’ at the GOP’s plea, denyin’ ‘em the chance to stifle the good folk o’ Pennsylvania! Now, if they be messin’ up their mail-in parchments, they still get a shot at castin’ their votes! Aye, a treasure trove of ballots awaits!
November 1, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr matey! The high seas o’ justice be not favorin’ the landlubber Republicans, as the wise judges be sayin' that those scallywags in Pennsylvania can cast a backup ballot if theirs be all askew. Alito be scribblin’ a note, but no dissentin' voices be heard! Avast!
November 1, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, matey! The Supreme Court be givin' a hearty “Aye!” to countin’ those wayward ballots! A right blow to the landlubber GOP, just days before the grand election! They be howlin’ for a stay, but alas, their sails be flappin’ in the wind! Hoist the anchor, chaos be afoot!
November 1, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, on the high seas of politics, Trump be claimin' if he grabs the crown, ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be sailin' into a mighty role in the health care galleon! He’s the wisest sea dog on the matter, savvy? Though his thoughts on vaccines be as stormy as a tempest!
November 1, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, 'tis well known that Captain Trump be not fond of the lass Liz Cheney, a scallywag who dared cross swords with him! But let it be known, he ne’er be sayin' to fire cannons at her nor callin’ for her head—those tales be as tall as a ship’s mast!
November 1, 2024, 2:54 pm
Arrr, matey! Jacob Rostovsky, the captain of Queer Works, be in hot water, facin’ 53 felony charges for plunderin’ near a million doubloons from the tax coffers! This swashbuckler, who flew his colors since age 13, be tryin’ to save the souls of the gender-bent crew! Avast!
November 1, 2024, 2:49 pm
Arrr, we be at the mercy o' that scallywag Google! Uncertain landlubbers ask, “Be Kamala Harris a fine Democratic matey?” and lo! Google be showin' a jolly view. Last week, a poll said she be sparkin' joy in the crew! What sorcery be this, me hearties?
November 1, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr! The Colorado seadogs o’ state be sayin’ that some sneaky passwords fer their voting treasure were tossed onto their official scroll by mistake! They be hidin’ in a secret tab, but fear not, matey! They’ve been scuttled back to Davy Jones’ locker, and the election sails on smooth!
November 1, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr mateys! The swabby governor of Colorado be sendin’ his fine ships and carriages to fix the blunder of spilled voting passwords, like a treasure map gone awry! Aye, there be doubts in the air, but fear not, for our elections be as fair as a parrot on me shoulder!
November 1, 2024, 10:29 am
Avast ye! The Colorado landlubber in charge of keepin’ Trump from the ballot be now swimmin’ in hot water 'cause she leaked the secret codes for countin’ votes! A hidden treasure of passwords lay buried in an Excel treasure map, just waitin’ for any scallywag to plunder! Arrr!
November 1, 2024, 9:29 am
Arrr matey! The vice captain be speakin' naught but the truth ‘bout her foe, the scallywag Trump! Yet, she be missin' a few treasures o' context now and then. In her last hurrah, she called him a “petty tyrant,” while claimin' her own sails be set for the future, savvy?
November 1, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, mateys! Vice President Harris took to the stage like a siren on the high seas, ‘fore a throng of 75,000 scallywags! She be spoutin’ her “final words” whilst takin’ jabs at that “petty tyrant” Trump, all in the same spot where he stirred up trouble. Aye, what a ruckus!
October 31, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, me hearties! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be spoutin’ tales o’ Trump givin’ him the helm of the health ship if he sails to victory next week! But the Trump crew be sayin’, “Nay, no such promise!” Just a bunch o’ bluster, like a parrot with a sore throat!
October 31, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala be settin' sail this week with a shiny treasure map fer Black lads! With grand plans and a hullabaloo of media, she be keen to win their hearts before them scallywag Republicans try to plunder 'em! Avast, the final stretch be upon us!
October 31, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be ridin' in a rubbish wagon before his shindig in Green Bay, takin' a jab at Captain Biden! "How d'ye fancy me garbage ship?" he cackled, sittin' pretty with the Trump flag flyin' high. Aye, ‘tis for Kamala and Joe, he be sayin’!
October 31, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr, ye scurvy sea dogs! Don Trump donned the rags of a waste wrangler, hopin’ to sway the good folk o' Wisconsin. He claimed them Democrats think his ye olde crew be but refuse! All this jests be sparked by Biden's blunder ‘gainst a jestin’ rascal at a grand shindig!
October 30, 2024, 6:16 pm
Arrr, a scallywag's jest 'bout Puerto Rico at Trump’s shindig at Madison Square Garden be as effective as a leaky cannon, matey! Despite the hullabaloo from the media and the Harris crew, the good folk of Pennsylvania be holdin' their ground, sayin’ nary a word about the jester’s crude quip!
October 30, 2024, 6:16 pm
Ahoy! In Fairhill, North Philly, ye be spottin' Puerto Rico on every corner! Flags flyin', salsa blarin', and fried plantains temptin' yer taste buds. This here be the lively heart of over 90,000 proud Boricuas, a treasure for both scallywags of the Democrats and the Republicans! Arrr!
October 30, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, on the thirtieth day of October, a scallywag from Arizona went and fired his cannon at the DNC's lair thrice! Jeffrey, the rascally 60-year-old, be now face to face with the gallows o' terrorism! No blood spilled, but beware, mateys, the political seas be stormy!
October 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr matey! A wee lass from the East, lawfully docked in the U.S., be in hot water fer tossin' her vote into the election cauldron! ‘Tis said her ballot’s stuck in the count, like barnacles on a ship! Beware, ye scallywags, illegal voting be a treacherous voyage!
October 30, 2024, 4:00 pm
Arrr mateys! As of the last moon on 30th October, 2024, AllSides be keepin' a weather eye on the Senate race. With 34 seats up for grabs, the scallywags reckon the Republicans be havin' a 94% chance to hoist their flag high! Stay tuned as the tides shift!
October 30, 2024, 1:23 pm
Arrr, matey! As the landlubbers squabble 'bout rulings on the lady's choices and the captain's power, Biden be stirrin' the pot fer Supreme Court changes. Meanwhile, Trump and Harris be sailin' toward Election Day, chattin' 'bout gold and foreign scallywags, while the court be driftin' in the briny deep!
October 30, 2024, 1:19 pm
Arrr, matey! The high court be sayin' that ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s name be stayin' on the ballots o' Michigan and Wisconsin, even though he be jumpin' ship! He fancied lettin' Trump have all the booty. And that scallywag Justice Gorsuch be not pleased! Yarrr!
October 30, 2024, 1:15 pm
Arrr, Kamala be trapped in Rogan's lair, while Trump sails in fer a chat on the Joe Rogan Experience—Spotify’s golden treasure! Young scallywags be favorin' Trump, so Harris might fancy a visit, but beware, it could sink her ship! Rogan be spoutin’ more on the X, savvy?
October 30, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr, matey! The treasure chest o’ the U.S. economy be swellin’ yet a tad underwhelmin’, growin’ a fine 2.8% in the third quarter. Strong spendin’ by landlubbers be keepin’ the ship afloat, defyin’ the storm o’ slowdown! Count yer doubloons, savvy?
October 30, 2024, 9:45 am
Arrr, matey! The treasure of the U.S. economy be swelled by 2.8% from July to September, thanks to savvy consumers, despite the high seas of interest rates! The Commerce crew be sayin' it slowed from 3%, but this ship be sailin’ sturdy nonetheless! Yarrr!
October 30, 2024, 9:41 am
Arrr, matey! The U.S. economy be sailin' a wee bit slow in the third quarter, growin' at a modest 2.8% instead o' the expected 3%. Inflation be easin', and landlubbers be spendin' like there's treasure to be had! A fine time to hoist the sails, eh?
October 30, 2024, 7:20 am
Arrr! Ye’ve likely caught wind o' the gender ruckus in the captain's chair. Trump and Harris be as different as rum and tea! This election's a squall o' the sexes, savvy? But lo! The gap be wider than Davy Jones' locker, especially with brains in tow! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
October 30, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr matey! In the midst o' chattin' 'bout them "bellwether counties" and "swingin' states," ye may catch wind of the fabled "blue wall." Both Captain Kamala and the swashbucklin’ Trump set sail in these waters, fightin' for the colors of the sea, ‘til Biden hoisted the blue flag once more!
October 30, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr! Aye, 51 souls have met Davy Jones in the watery grave o’ Valencia, thanks to a tempestuous downpour, Tuesday’s fury! Rescuers be paddlin’ their little boats in the dark, savin’ stragglers from the briny deep. Captain Mazon be shoutin’ for help in the hardest-hit shores!
October 30, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, when the scallywags asked Captain Putin 'twixt the waves o' the Far East, if he fancied Trump or Harris, he raised an eyebrow and grinned like a treasure hunter! "Our ‘favorite’ be Biden, savvy?" he quipped, "But alas, he be a bit weathered!" Har har har!
October 30, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr, mateys! The old sea dog Trump be spoutin’ that Vicey Kamala be leadin’ a ship of hate! He claims her words be as shameful as a scallywag’s parley! After dodgin’ two cannonballs aimed at his noggin, he be callin’ her a stormy sea of demoralization! Avast! What a hullabaloo!
October 29, 2024, 1:19 pm
Arrr! The scallywags of Arizona be warnin’ us of a mighty long ballot, me hearties! With two pages o’ choices, ye might be sailin’ for hours at the polls! Maricopa’s scroll be 17 inches long—ye’d think it be a treasure map! Hoist the sails and prepare for delays!
October 29, 2024, 1:14 pm
Arrr, matey! Last moon, another scallywag from the CIA found himself in the brig fer givin’ a lass a rough time, with a dozen eyes watchin’! The last sea dog was tried fer stranglin’ a fair trainee in the stairwell. Now, this rogue’s set fer a fresh trial in Virginia. Avast!
October 29, 2024, 1:11 pm
In the year o' 2005, a landlubber family set sail to New York, hopin' to launch their lil' scallywag's music dreams! There, the infamous Sean Combs beamed like a treasure map, whisperin' sweet nothings o' stardom to the lad, while the boy rapped like a parrot on a sugar high! Arrr!
October 29, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr! The world’s scallywags be givin’ Israel a right tongue-lashin’ fer callin’ the UNRWA a band o’ buccaneers! They be banishin’ ’em from their shores, leavin’ the poor souls in Gaza and the West Bank high and dry! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
October 29, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, matey! Japan's election be turnin' tides, while the Yanks be ponderin' their own chaos! China be thinkin' it can plunder Japan's shores and poke the dragon that be Taiwan! Even North Korea be stirrin' the pot with its rum-loving pals, testin' cannonballs like there's no tomorrow!
October 29, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr! No shock to landlubbers, the New York Times be hoisting the flag fer Kamala Harris! The Washington Post be sittin' on the fence, and the Los Angeles Times editor stormed off like a scurvy dog when told to keep mum. Meanwhile, the nice folk in Hamtramck be grumblin' over their wished-for sea of Muslims not sailin' in!
October 29, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, when ol' Stephen K. Bannon sailed off to the clink nigh four moons ago, he left his podcast to scallywags and a gaping hole in the Trumpy seas. But soon, this buccaneer be bustin' loose from the hoosegow, ready to stir the political waters once more!
October 29, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr, mateys! Comedian Jay Johnston be walkin' the plank to a year and a day in the federal brig fer meddlin' with the law when that raucous mob stormed the Capitol! This scallywag's been bouncin' in Hollywood since the '90s, but now he’s outta work on the Bob's Burgers ship!
October 29, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr, mateys! I be settin' me eyes upon the Trump shindig at that grand Madison Square, and 'twas naught like the scallywags in the papers be claimin'! Aye, instead of ruckus and rage, I spied a jolly crew chantin', “USA! USA!” Me heart be full, and me ears be ringin'!
October 29, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! On the morn of Monday, the scallywags o' the Republican crew called upon the mighty High Court to plunder the squabble 'bout them provisional ballots in the land o' Pennsylvania. They be wantin' to scuttle a ruling that lets landlubbers vote when their letters be a wee bit askew!
October 29, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, matey! Job openings in California sank like a rotten ship, droppin' near 30%! The land o' gold be second-worst for scallywags lookin' for work. Blame it on that $20 minimum wage for grub slingers! Aye, the job count be a sorry tale indeed!
October 28, 2024, 2:26 pm
Arrr, matey! In the grand sea o’ politics, Trump be givin' parents the helm while Kamala be shackled to the teacher's crew! The wind be blowin' in Trump’s favor, as many a landlubber’s eyes be opened during the plague! Who knew the unions be fishin' for power? Ha!
October 28, 2024, 2:23 pm
Arrr, mateys! Trump be blabbin' 'bout givin' doubloons to those landlubbers tendin' to their kin. “Aye, 'tis time to hoist 'em up!” he cackled. “They be the unsung heroes, always in the shadows!” Even that lass Kamala be tossin' in her two cents fer eldercare! A right merry hullabaloo, I say!
October 28, 2024, 2:21 pm
Arrr matey! A fresh poll be showin’ that half o’ the scallywags in the land reckon ol' Trump be a fascist, even some of his own crew! Meanwhile, only a scant 23 percent say the same o’ our dear Vice President Harris. And blow me down, Trump be sayin’ Hitler did a few "good deeds!" Aye, what a hullabaloo!
October 28, 2024, 2:18 pm
Arrr, matey! The court be sayin' that brave sailor Zachary Young ain't no scallywag, despite the yarns spun by that cursed CNN! He claims they painted him as a villain, claimin' he plundered while helpin' folks escape the stormy seas of Afghanistan. A right laugh, I tell ye!
October 28, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! Scouted be choosin’ treasures on their own! If ye buy from our scrolls, we might pocket a wee coin. Want yer gut to be as mighty as a ship's crew? This here probiotic be like addin’ star players to yer belly’s team, boostin' its prowess!
October 28, 2024, 11:38 am
Ahoy! Viktor Orban, that crafty sea dog from Hungary, sails to Georgia to toast their election, despite whispers o' Kremlin trickery! He'll parley with Irakli, the Georgian captain, who’s cozyin' up to Moscow like a scallywag! With 54% of the booty, the Georgian Dream crew be holdin’ strong! Yarrr!
October 28, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, matey! Rep. McClain be sayin’ that the good folk of Michigan be trustin’ ol' Trump more than Vice President Harris to steer the ship o' Middle East policy. At a ruckus with Trump, she claims the Muslim crew be wantin’ peace—aye, actions be shoutin' louder than a cannon!
October 28, 2024, 9:19 am
Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2021, Netflix be settin’ sail on a new treasure trove o’ tales! They be callin’ it the Palestinian Stories collection, filled with gems from crafty Arab filmmakers. Thirty-two films to feast yer eyes upon, with more booty comin’ ashore! Avast!
October 27, 2024, 8:04 pm
Arrr, matey! The swashbucklin' Trump be takin' the stage at the grand Madison Square Garden, where a crew of raucous supporters be cheerin' like scallywags! He be spoutin' off agin' Biden and his matey Harris, swearin' to make the ol' U.S. great again whilst lamentin' over bloomin’ prices and wayward sailors comin' ashore!
October 27, 2024, 3:51 pm
Arrr, mateys! As of the 27th day of October, 2024, the candidates be weighin’ in on the matter of lawbreakers! Aye, 61% of landlubbers be thinkin’ violent crime be a right important issue for their ballots. Republicans be shoutin’ 'tis vital, whilst Democrats be a bit less riled. Aye, the seas be stormy!
October 27, 2024, 12:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags o' Lancaster be stirrin' the pot, as they spy 2,500 suspect voter scrolls! Last-minute delivery to meet the deadline, aye, but the District Attorney be sayin’ 60% of ‘em be as fishy as a three-week-old catch! Avast, what treachery be afoot?
October 27, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, Senator Graham be spoutin' on Sunday that John Kelly's "fascist" jab at Trump be the last gasp o' the Harris crew, with the wind in the election sails blowin' fierce! He claims Kelly's just a landlubber thrashin' about, callin' Trump a dictator like a scallywag lost at sea!
October 27, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, matey! A new treasure map o' polls be showin' Kamala Harris sailin' ahead of Captain Trump! Protectin’ democracy be weighin’ heavier on the minds o’ the crew than immigration, with 81% sayin’ it be as critical as gold! Trump be chasin’ tides of immigration, but ‘tis the Democrats steady yer ship!
October 27, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! This Sunday, the grand Captain Trump be settin’ sail with a raucous rally at the illustrious Madison Square Garden! In but a blink, the seats be gone, like treasure in Davy Jones’ locker! Expect a merry crew of luminaries to regale tales of their bold captain!
October 27, 2024, 5:00 am
Avast, me hearties! Before Elon Musk became a right jolly donor for Trump’s brig, he plundered the U.S. shores illegally, tossin’ aside his studies like a sailor tosses a moldy biscuit! Aye, ‘tis a tale told by shipmates and court scrolls, as reported by the scallywags at The Washington Post!
October 27, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, matey! President Biden be soundin' the alarm, sayin’ it’d be a jolly blunder fer lads to cast their votes fer that scallywag Trump! He called America a “garbage can,” and Democrats be steamin' mad, callin' him a “fascist” fer threatenin’ to unleash the cannons on his foes! Yarrr!
October 26, 2024, 12:27 pm
Arrr, matey! Joe Rogan be settin' sail with Trump on his podcast after the scallywag got a taste o' lead at a rally in Butler! He be sayin’ the stars aligned after refusin’ fer years. During their yarn, Trump called the presidency a perilous voyage, arrr!
October 26, 2024, 12:25 pm
Arrr, in a grand chinwag, Captain Trump spun tales o’ politics and culture with the jolly Joe Rogan, takin’ three hours to do it! The blaggard be so late to his own shindig in Traverse City, many scallywags sailed away in frustration! Har har, what a merry mess!
October 26, 2024, 12:22 pm
Arrr! Former Cap’n Trump be squawkin’ for nigh on three hours on “The Joe Rogan Experience”! He be pitchin’ to the lad crew about tossin’ the income tax overboard, waxin’ poetic ‘bout brawlin’ fighters, and wonderin’ if Martians be raisin’ a ruckus too! A right merry romp, I say!
October 26, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags of the Iranian fleet be mournin' two of their sea dogs lost to them Israeli cannon blasts! After a midnight raid, the Israeli crew claimed victory and warned against any revenge. Looks like the waters be boilin’ with trouble, aye!
October 26, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr, matey! Israel be settin' sail fer battle, spied Iran firin' a boatload o' cannonballs! With the sea wind in their sails, Israel's crew be claimin' it’s their duty to unleash the cannons! Boom goes the powder keg in Tehran, but what’s the full tale o' this jolly ruckus, eh?
October 25, 2024, 7:15 pm
Arrr! Israel fired a broadside at Iran on Friday, avengin' a past cannonade of 200 fiery rockets, savvy? The Israel Defense Forces promised a mighty answer, and lo! They struck true, settin' sail for trouble with the Islamic Republic. The seas be risin’, and the world be shiverin’ in fear!
October 25, 2024, 6:18 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at the Washington Post be settin' sail without a vote in this year’s presidential fracas, a first in 36 moons! With the election just 'round the corner, they be lettin' the tides decide ‘twixt Trump and the other lubber. Avast, what a caper!
October 25, 2024, 3:44 pm
Arrr, a heap o' 2,500 sailor's scrolls fer votin’ in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, met Davy Jones' locker! The state’s fancy contraption spied some scallywags among 'em, callin' 'em fraudulent. Officials be havin' a hearty laugh about it at a news gab fest last Friday! Avast, matey!
October 25, 2024, 1:36 pm
Arrr, there be no lass like Brianna Wu! A fierce buccaneer for trans rights, yet she be callin’ some scallywags out for makin’ a right mess of it! Aye, she admires AOC but hoists Israel's flag too! Once a target o’ the cyber seas, now she be reckonin’ the far left be a bit too wily!
October 25, 2024, 1:23 pm
Arrr, matey! The Washington Post be settin' sail in uncharted waters, sayin' it won't pick a captain this election! They've angered the crew, for they once penned a shout-out fer Kamala over that scurvy Donald. Blame it on ol' Jeff, the treasure-huntin' Amazon overlord! Har har!
October 25, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, mateys! Hear ye! In a grand proclamation, Governor Ron DeSantis be sayin’ that them Dominion contraptions won’t be settin’ sail in Florida’s waters! Aye, the landlubbers be keepin’ their treasure maps safe this time round! Avast, let the games begin!
October 25, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, matey! Trump be tellin’ the radio captain, Hugh, that if he be claimin’ the crown, he’ll be tossin' special counsel Jack Smith overboard “in two shakes of a parrot’s tail!” That crafty Merrick be tryin' to keep the seas calm, but the winds be blowin' foul! Har har!
October 25, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr, matey! On Friday, the Israeli cannons claimed 38 souls in southern Gaza, 13 wee nippers from one family, no less! In the north, them scallywags stormed a hospital, leavin' the land in a right pickle! Aid crews be shoutin' 'bout the dire straits the folk be in! Blimey!
October 25, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of a ship that met its doom 'gainst the mighty Francis Scott Key Bridge be ordered to shell out over $100 million doubloons to the crown! Those landlubber companies, Grace Ocean and Synergy Marine, be settling their squabble after a month of legal tussles. Haaar!
October 24, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, matey! The grand election chief of a crucial Nevada port be cast out just weeks afore the great presidential showdown! The scallywags on the right be stirrin' up trouble like a stormy sea, pressurein' the fine folks runnin' the elections! Aye, what a ruckus in Washoe!
October 24, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! A lass once struttin' the catwalk claims she crossed paths with the infamous Trump, thanks to that scallywag Epstein! She be sayin' he groped her at Trump Tower in '93, callin' it a right twisted game betwixt the two blaggards. Aye, what a hullabaloo on the high seas of scandal!
October 24, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr, matey! Trump’s crew be squawkin’ that Stacey, a former Obama cheerleader, be tellin’ tales of his gropin’ ways back in ‘93! She claims ol’ Epstein introduced ‘em, but swears she knows naught of his misdeeds. A right tangled sea of scandal, I say! Yarr!
October 24, 2024, 1:56 pm
Arrr, mateys! The Food and Drug Administration be on the hunt for the scallywag Taylor Farms, reckonin’ they be the cursed source of E. coli makin’ landlubbers ill from them Quarter Pounder grub! U.S. Foods be shoutin’ about a recall of onions, sayin’ best to toss ’em overboard!
October 24, 2024, 1:52 pm
Arrr, the Democratic crew be in utter disbelief they might be bested by scallywag Trump again! “Who’d cast their lot with that lout?” they grumble. Aye, he be as gauche as a parrot in a tavern! Yet amidst his jests, he be sailin’ a shrewd campaign, savvy as a sea dog!
October 24, 2024, 9:16 am
Avast ye! Picture this: all the landlubbers cry for more amusement parks! Nations be tossin' gold to build 'em, whilst bankers be parleyin' beside giant toy models, handin' out monstrous checks! But lo! Years later, it be revealed some doubloons went to grog instead o' rides! Arrr, what a scallywag scheme!
October 24, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr, last year, Tucker Carlson set sail fer Russia, chattin’ with ol’ Vlad the Impaler! While landlubbers howled at the thought, our matey filmed himself ridin’ the subway, munchin’ burgers at McD’s, and buyin’ grub like he was in the colonies. Aye, a right jolly time it was!
October 24, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! A spy ship o' the skies, the Royal Air Force’s Rivet Joint, be sailin' the winds from Greece to Finland, spyin' on the Russkies! 'Twas a grand adventure, markin' the first flight o' NATO’s eastern shores, comin' in hot like a cannonball! Avast!
October 24, 2024, 4:46 am
Arrr, matey! This be what the cap’n of NATO, Mark Rutte, be sayin’! Turkey can sail with the BRICS crew without scuttlin’ its NATO ship! At a press meet in Estonia, he laughed off fears ‘bout Ankara joinin' the Russia-led scallywags. A merry dance o’ alliances, I say!
October 24, 2024, 4:37 am
Arrr, a wise doc lass, Johanna Olson-Kennedy, be sayin’ she’s holdin’ back her treasure map of puberty-blockin’ potions ‘cause the American seas be stormy! Since 2015, she’s been gatherin’ 95 wee scallywags for her grand quest, but alas, the political winds be blowin’ fierce!
October 23, 2024, 4:00 pm
Ahoy mateys! This here blog be chartin' the waters of the 2024 U.S. elections, keepin’ ye up to date on the scallywags runnin’ for captain! Click yonder to spy our treasure trove of news, polls, and media spin. Avast! Live feeds await, so hoist yer sails!
October 23, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! This here scroll be part o’ the Republic of Distrust; a tale o’ trust lost in the great sea o’ American institutions! In the days of yore, ol’ Walter Cronkite, the fairest news cap’n, spun tales that even made the official crew squirm!
October 23, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! Let’s be clear, this be but a triflin' matter whilst voters ponder their fates in the upcoming weeks. A mere sideshow, indeed! And I cared not a lick! Trump be jabberin’ ‘bout Kamala’s tales of flippin’ fries at some landlubber's joint, but she only sang that sea shanty in 2019! Ha!
October 23, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag ad be claimin’ that Vice President Kamala Harris be lettin’ scallywags roam near schools and parks! But nay, ‘twas a tall tale! She fought the law until the high court said, “Nay!” to the wretched rules in San Diego. Aye, truth be stranger than a drunken parrot!
October 23, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, mateys! Aye, a jolly tale be a-sailing through the digital seas, claimin’ gas be but $1.80 a gallon ‘fore Biden took the helm! But beware, me hearties! Those figures be wobblier than a drunken sailor; they be not quite true. Hoist the sails of exaggeration!
October 22, 2024, 6:58 pm
Arrr, in Kazan, where the skies be gray, Modi be tellin' Putin, “Let’s make peace in Ukraine, matey!” As the BRICS summit looms, the Russian captain be hopin’ to flaunt the might of the seas beyond the Western shores, whilst his cannons still roar since February of ’22! Har har!
October 22, 2024, 6:57 pm
Arrr, trapped by the West fer stirrin' up trouble in Ukraine, ol' Captain Putin be throwin' a jolly shindig with his mates from China, India, and South Africa! He be tryin' to sway the seas of power while dodgin’ the law like a scallywag on the run! Avast!
October 22, 2024, 6:56 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The BRICS crew ain't shackled by no mutual oaths like them EU scallywags! Nay, they be sailin' towards common treasure, says that Kremlin parley-pouch, Peskov. As he be spoutin' at the Kazan shindig, they lack the proper flags and rules to be called an official fleet!
October 22, 2024, 2:46 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! Word be sailin’ that Vice President Kamala Harris be tellin’ the rowdy crew, “Ye be at the wrong hootenanny!” when they be shoutin’ “Jesus be the Captain!” One matey be sayin’, “Christians best keep this in their sea chest!” Aye, the footage be proof enough!
October 22, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr, mateys! That scallywag Tim Walz be spoutin’ tall tales on the telly, claimin’ ol’ Trump sent more shipshape jobs to Davy Jones’ locker than any other captain! “Aye, it be the truth!” he squawked on “The View.” But methinks he be chasin’ sea serpents, not facts!
October 22, 2024, 2:38 pm
Arrr, mateys of Concord! On a fine Monday, Captain Trump spun a yarn ‘bout schoolin’, gender shenanigans, and freedom to worship, but skipped over the “A” word like a scurvy dog! Last time he promised to sink Roe v. Wade, now he be claimin’ the judges be his crew!
October 22, 2024, 2:31 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Captain Jeffries and his scallywag mates were nabbed by the law for runnin' a raucous ship o' shenanigans, recruitin' lads for wild frolics far and wide! A dozen souls caught in their nets, now they be swimmin' with the fishies in a sea o' trouble!
October 22, 2024, 9:35 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala be sayin’ she ne’er pictured sailin’ the campaign seas with Liz Cheney, that scallywag from Wyoming! Cheney be shoutin’ she’s voting for a Democrat fer the first time, claimin’ she’s as conservative as a parrot on a treasure chest! Applause be thunderin’ like cannon fire!
October 22, 2024, 9:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Maria Shriver, the captain of this here town hall, declared no wild queries be allowed! Only the questions written in the logbook be fit for the crew! “I be hopin' to ask what be ticklin' yer noggins,” she said with a wink, savvy?
October 22, 2024, 9:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fair Maria Shriver, once a lady of California’s halls, declared that only questions from the captain's log be asked of Vice President Kamala at yon Michigan gathering! A fair lass dared inquire, but Shriver silenced her faster than a cannon fire! No questions for ye! Har har!
October 22, 2024, 6:47 am
Arrr, matey! Moldova be settin' sail fer the European Union by a hair's breadth, ye savvy? With just a smidgen o' votes, and whispers o' Russian shenanigans, they be raisin' their flag fer EU at 50.4%! A close shave indeed, ye scallywags!
October 22, 2024, 4:41 am
Arrr! A band o’ scallywags from the GOP be insistin’ that ol’ Merrick Garland set sail on an inquiry ‘bout Elon Musk, the tech buccaneer! He be handin’ out treasure to landlubbers in swing states for signins’ on his petition. Aye, they claim it be foul play in the election seas!
October 22, 2024, 4:38 am
Arrr, matey! Liz Cheney and Vice Prez Kamala be hoistin' sails on a madcap quest to sway the shy Republicans, fearin' their votes fer Trump! They scoured Chester, Oakland, and Waukesha, lands claimed by the fierce Nikki Haley. A right ruckus, I say! Avast, the political seas be stormy!
October 22, 2024, 4:33 am
Arrr, matey! A curious wind be blowin' in the land o' the free! Young scallywags aged 18 to 24 be takin' up the conservative flag, outpacing their slightly elder mates! A twist from the days of yore, it be! More lads be sportin’ the conservative colors than the liberal sails! Avast!
October 22, 2024, 4:32 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers of the FBI and Defense be in a right tizzy, tryin' to find out how two secret scrolls ‘bout Israel’s plans fer a rumble with Iran washed up on a Telegram channel! Even ol’ Biden be lookin' as worried as a cat in a dogfight! Avast!
October 21, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr matey! As the tides of the 2024 election roll in, the lefty squawkers be takin' aim at those scallywag Republicans and ol' Elon Musk, claimin' they be fundin' trickster ads that be foolin' the landlubbers into thinkin' Vice President Kamala be gettin' cheers! Aye, the sea be a fickle mistress!
October 21, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, matey! In the grand contest of 2024, Georgia be a treasure chest o' votes! More than 1.4 million scallywags be castin' their ballots early. Since Tuesday, the landlubbers be breakin' records, with over 1.3 million swabs votin' in person—80,000 just sendin' their votes by sea! Yarrr!
October 21, 2024, 4:14 pm
Ahoy, mateys! A mighty throng of landlubbers cast their votes early in North Carolina, even as Hurricane Helene tried to blow 'em all away! This tempest be the fiercest since Katrina, claimin' 246 souls—many in our fair state. But fear not! 90% o' the polling shanties be sailin’ smooth!
October 21, 2024, 4:11 pm
Ahoy mateys! The fine folk of Georgia be buzzin’ like bees ‘bout castin’ their votes, breakin’ another record on the morn of Saturday! “Huzzah to the counties and our grand Georgia seadogs!” quoth Gabriel Sterling on the X ship. “Ye’ve made history with a turnout as mighty as the seven seas!”
October 21, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Musk be throwin’ a treasure of gold at ye voters o' Pennsylvania to aid Trump, while court be lookin' on with a keen eye! He be givin’ a million doubloons daily to those who sign a conservative parchment—har har, what a merry gamble on the high seas of politics!
October 21, 2024, 9:58 am
Arrr, matey! Governor Shapiro be callin’ on the lawmen to sniff around that scallywag Musk! At a raucous Trump shindig, he promised gold to the landlubbers—$1 million a day ‘til the election! Why, he even tossed a treasure chest to a lucky soul in Harrisburg! Avast!
October 21, 2024, 9:57 am
Avast, mateys! Yonder experts be squawkin' that Captain Elon Musk be sailin' o'er the law, givin' away a treasure chest o' $1 million daily to the landlubbers who be votin' in key swing states! Aye, till November 5, he’s plunderin’ their pockets for support of the grand ol' amendments!
October 21, 2024, 8:48 am
Avast, mateys! As the campaign winds to a close, Captain Trump be shoutin' like a banshee, while Lady Harris be switchin’ her tune to the jolly seas of "the politics of joy." Aye, from fury to cheer, the tides be turnin’ in this shipshape election!
October 21, 2024, 3:39 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag o' a Trumpie be trollin’ Taylor Swift, soaring o’er her Miami shindig with a scroll shoutin’, “Trump 2024 – Be ye ready, Cat Lady? Make America Great Again!” A fine jest, that, before the lass be hittin’ the stage! Avast!
October 21, 2024, 3:37 am
Arrr, matey! U.S. envoy Hochstein be settin' sail fer Beirut on Monday, jawin’ with Lebanese lords ‘bout a truce ‘twixt Israel and them scallywags, Hezbollah. While he be plead’n fer peace, the States be backin’ Israel like a loyal parrot, even as the cannons roar!
October 21, 2024, 3:32 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis a curious tide: despite the gold being tight, Yanks be splashin’ doubloons at shops and taverns like no tomorrow! The rich scallywags, swimmin’ in treasure from their ships of stocks and homes, be the ones stirrin’ this merry spendin’ storm! Blimey, what a shift!
October 21, 2024, 3:25 am
Ahoy, mateys! A savvy captain knows to steer clear of squabblin’ when stormy seas a’brewin’. But fer Prime Minister Trudeau, the ruckus be the whole treasure! He be parleyin’ about foreign trickery, whilst his own ship be takin’ on water from past mischief. Avast, what a jolly show!
October 20, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, matey! Those scallywags of Hezbollah sent a wee drone to rattle the ol’ Netanyahu’s treasure chest in Caesarea! But fear not, they be away, and no one got harmed. Two of their flying contraptions met Davy Jones, but the third slipped away like a clever sea rat!
October 20, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags o’ the U.S. be snoopin’ ‘round a leak o’ secret scrolls, spillin’ the beans on Israel’s plans to give Iran a right good thrashin’. Three sea dogs be sayin’ the documents be authentic, straight from the spyglass o’ the Geospatial and National Security brigands!
October 20, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr! Elon Musk be handin' out a bounty o' $1 million to scallywags who sign his parchment for free speech and bearin' arms! He'll be tossin' gold to a lucky swab each day 'til the election, makin' sure every landlubber in swing states be hearin' the news! Aye!
October 20, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr, matey! A jolly ad be showin' a wedded pair with clashing sails, yet they both be hoistin' the flag for Senator Bob Casey! Meanwhile, them scallywags of Hezbollah tried to send a drone to the captain's quarters of Netanyahu, but alas, the couple be away, and no one was harmed! Yarr!
October 19, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, matey! Last year, the king's coffers were lighter by nearly $2 trillion doubloons, and the future be lookin’ even gloomier! The wise folks at the CBO be sayin’ this year’s treasure hole’s a whopping $1.834 trillion! Blimey! Time to tighten the sails 'fore we sink!
October 19, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, mateys! The U.S. treasure chest be lighter by a whopping $1.833 trillion fer fiscal 2024, the highest since the plague o’ COVID! Interest be stackin’ high like a pirate's loot, with Social Security and the fleet’s needs runnin’ wild! Aye, the deficit be growin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull!
October 19, 2024, 10:11 am
Arrr, matey! In the year of our Lord 2024, the landlubbers in the US be swimmin' in a sea o' debt, with a deficit o' $1.83 trillion! Blame it on fancy Social Security coins and defense gold, outpacing their meager treasure haul. Aye, the coffers be runnin' dry!
October 18, 2024, 7:30 pm
Arrr, matey! As of the 18th day of October in the year 2024, we be chartin' the chances of Lady Harris or Captain Trump takin' the helm o' the good ship Presidency! We’ll be adjustin’ our sails weekly ‘til the fateful day, November 5th. Currently, Lady Harris be sportin’ a fine 57% chance!
October 18, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, a band o’ Republican scallywags be callin’ fer the crown’s men to probe McKinsey’s dealings with the Chinese fleet! They be wonderin’ if that hefty booty of $480 million be all shipshape with the Defense crew. Avast! What a hullabaloo o’er a few doubloons!
October 18, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, matey! For a decade past, Captain Trump be scrawlin' his scurvy mark upon the good ship America! He be mockin' the law, spreadin' tall tales, and raisin' a ruckus with shady scallywags! Now he be waitin' to face the hangman's noose for his treacherous deeds! Blimey!
October 18, 2024, 5:15 pm
Avast ye! Seems the early votes be favorin' the lubbers o' the GOP in North Carolina! On day one, they sailed ahead with an 18-point swing from 2020! Eric from Florida be sayin' it shoulda been the Democrats' day, but the tides be turnin', me hearties! Arrr!
October 18, 2024, 4:16 pm
Avast, mateys! A landlubber judge be lettin’ Google sail smooth, holdin’ off the launch o' rival app shops fer their Android treasures! That scallywag judge Donato be grantin’ 'em a reprieve, savin’ 'em from a deadline on the horizon. Aye, the seas be calmer fer now!
October 18, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr, matey! The U.S. scallywags sent their flying ships to rain fire upon Houthi treasure holes in Yemen! These rascals be hindering trade in the Red Sea and takin' potshots at the Israelis and Yanks since the great hullabaloo started. Time to sink their weaponry, savvy?
October 18, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr, matey! The mighty B-2 birds flew the skies, blastin' five secret Houthi treasure caves in Yemen, where them scallywags stash their wicked wares. The good captain Austin be sayin’ these hideouts held all manner of booms 'n bangs, ready to sink ships 'n trouble the seas! Yarrr!
October 18, 2024, 12:32 am
Arrr mateys! Just as the scallywag Nasrallah's demise stirred the pot for peace, the sudden sinking of Hamas captain Sinwar be kickin' the sails of change in the Mideast! Fear not, for his end be a grand chance, not a mournin' – he were naught but a troublesome barnacle!
October 17, 2024, 7:28 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Yahya Sinwar be a real piece o' work! A true villain even among his own rabble. Torturin' his own crew like a cat playin' with a mouse! Sent to Davy Jones' locker for bein' a treacherous knave to his own kin—what a sorry tale, aye!
October 17, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, on the 17th day of October, a band o' jurors be pointin' fingers at a scallywag lad o' 14 and his old sea dog father for causin' the demise o' two landlubber students and their educators! Aye, they be drownin’ in a sea o’ 55 charges! Blimey!
October 17, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, a motley crew of faith captains, landlubber parents, and scallywag scholars in Oklahoma be settin' sail for a legal battle! They be protestin' against the swashbucklin' decree of Ryan Walters, who be wantin' to chart a course with the Good Book in every school. Shiver me timbers!
October 17, 2024, 2:28 pm
Arrr matey! 'Tis a treacherous tide in the classroom seas! Educators be receivin' orders to shun talk o' politics, like a scurvy dog avoidin' the sea! Aye, two-thirds o' the crew be keepin' mum on these matters, lest they be walkin' the plank o' controversy! Aye, what a fine mess!
October 17, 2024, 2:22 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags of middle an' high seas be puffin' less smoke! Aye, the lads at the CDC an' FDA be shoutin' from the crow's nest that only 2.25 million young buccaneers be usin' tobacco, a fine drop from last year's blunder! Huzzah!
October 17, 2024, 2:08 pm
Arrr, matey! Ol' Captain Trump be flappin' his gums 'bout tariffs like a parrot on a perch! But what be oft ignored be if he or another scallywag could hoist a global tariff wall without askin' Congress or fearin' the federal courts! Aye, the seas be murky indeed!
October 17, 2024, 2:06 pm
Arrr, matey! A band o' freedom fighters in Florida be settin' sail for court against Captain DeSantis! They be claimin' he’s been plottin’ to scuttle their ballot measure like a scallywag with a cursed treasure map. The landlubbers even accused him of makin’ threats to the telly stations! Blimey!
October 17, 2024, 11:32 am
Avast ye! When the FBI first hoisted the sails of their crime tally in September 2023, they be sayin’ violent deeds dropped by 2.1%. But lo! They’ve now changed course, revealin’ a 4.5% rise in villainy—more murders and mischief than a pirate’s tavern! Yo ho, what a twist!
October 17, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, matey! The Feds be swabbin' the deck o' their crime scrolls, claimin' a rise in ruckus, when just last year they sang a different tune! The media be fetchin' what be fit fer the Democrats, even when their treasure map of data leads 'em astray! Avast, what a jolly jest!
October 17, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr! The Israeli sea dogs be ponderin' if ol' Yahya Sinwar, the scallywag leader o' Hamas, be fishin' with the fishes after a raid in Gaza! They be lookin' at a body, hopin' to find some DNA treasure. Three other rogues met their doom, but they be keepin' it hush-hush!
October 17, 2024, 10:05 am
Arrr, word from the briny deep! Yahya Sinwar, the scallywag o' Hamas, be pushing up daisies, confirmed by the Israel sea dogs. This crafty knave plotted the October raid, but now he be in Davy Jones' locker, takin' three mates with him! Avast, what a jolly hullabaloo!
October 17, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr, mateys! A fresh scroll reveals that landlubbers from afar be fillin' the sails of the US labor crew! Since 2019, them foreign scallywags be accountin' for 88% of the growth. By 2052, 'tis clear—only them swabs and their wee ones be keepin' the ship afloat! Yarrr!
October 17, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala be wranglin' a treasure o' a billion doubloons for her crew, spendin' it on flashy scrolls! Yet, the seas be calm, an' her messages be fallin’ flat like a landlubber’s rum! As for Cap’n Biden, he jumped ship in July, leavin’ the sails to flap!
October 17, 2024, 5:04 am
Arrr, matey! In a tale fit fer the deep, the Los Angeles Archdiocese be partin’ with a treasure chest o’ $880 million to quiet the cries o’ 1,353 scallywags wronged by their landlubber priests! After years o’ parleyin’, they’ve finally struck a deal. Aye, that be a whale of a settlement!
October 17, 2024, 5:02 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag crew o’ “race science” buccaneers be plottin’ in the shadows, funded by a treasure-hoardin’ techie! They’ve been spinnin’ yarns ‘bout so-called genetic greatness through podcasts and scrolls, tryin’ to hoist their daft ideas into the public eye! A right laugh, I say!
October 16, 2024, 3:28 pm
Ahoy! Thomas Nowak be a landlubber intern fer AllSides this Fall 2024, leanin’ to the left like a tipsy sailor! Reviewed by Evan, the newsy mate, and the cap’n John, both with their own sways. As fer election certs, ‘tis naught but scribblin' on parchments to declare the deeds done! Arrr!
October 16, 2024, 3:12 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that ol' Captain Trump be spoutin' tales o' crime droppin' like anchor, but the scallywags at the FBI be slippin' in new figures! Turns out, crimes be risin' like the tide! A fine jest, indeed! Avast, me hearties, keep yer cutlasses ready!
October 16, 2024, 3:07 pm
Arrr, on the sixteenth day of October, the scallywag Trump parleyed with the fair Harris Faulkner before a crew of lasses! They be yappin’ 'bout matters that tickle the fairer gender’s fancy 'fore the great Election Day on the fifth of November. But beware, matey! Polls say Kamala be leadin' the fleet!
October 16, 2024, 3:05 pm
Arrr, matey! It be no surprise that landlubbers be trustin' the media as much as a scallywag trusts a leaky ship! Only 31% be thinkin' the news be true, whilst 36% be tossin' it overboard! 'Tis a right jolly mess, I say!
October 16, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump be jawin' with Bloomberg in the Windy City, braggin' ‘bout makin' the foreign scallywags pay for our shiny ships! But heed me, mateys: them tariffs be naught but a tax on us landlubbers! If ye already know this, sail on, savvy?
October 16, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! The ol' cap'n Trump be standin' firm on his promise to whack them imports with hefty tariffs. He scoffs at the landlubbers frettin' 'bout a trade skirmish with China and reckonin’ it’ll sink jobs and raise prices. Aye, who needs studies when ye got a strong flag to wave?
October 16, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr, matey! The former captain Trump tangled with the chief scribbler o’ Bloomberg News at the Chicago forum, claimin’ tariffs be no stormy seas. That scallywag Micklethwait kept pokin’ the bear, askin’ about his plans to tax the treasure on imports and scallywags makin’ off with their gold. Har har!
October 16, 2024, 9:51 am
Ahoy, mateys! The Biden crew be sendin’ a missive to the Israeli shipmates, demandin’ they mend the sorry state o’ Gaza in thirty tides or risk losin’ their booty of US gold! Blinken and Austin be the scallywags behind this letter, steerin’ clear of a legal storm! Arrr!
October 16, 2024, 2:58 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Harris be shakin' in her boots 'bout Black voters in Charlamagne's den o' chatter! She be claimin’ she’s no scallywag, defendin’ her record, and callin' Trump a villainous threat to our fair seas o' democracy. A fine hullabaloo, it be!
October 16, 2024, 2:52 am
Avast, me hearties! Spare a thought fer Sandy Brindley, captain of Rape Crisis Scotland! Since last October, she’s been tangled in the stormy seas o’ defining “woman.” A tribunal be sayin’ to set sail with a clear definition, but blimey! Even I know the scallywag who attacked me weren’t no lass!
October 16, 2024, 2:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump declared the Repub’licans be the “party o’ common sense,” whilst sparrin’ words with Bloomberg’s scallywag in Chicago. They yapped ‘bout gold and treasure for a good hour, but soon drifted into stormy seas o’ debate, aye!
October 16, 2024, 2:40 am
Arrr, matey! Three scallywags from Honduras be caught in Florida, charged with foul deeds against a wee lass under twelve! They snuck aboard during the Biden-Harris sails, two o’ them breaching the Southern seas in 2021, and the third slippin’ in 2023. A jolly fine mess, indeed!
October 15, 2024, 12:57 pm
Arrr matey! On Tuesday, the scallywags of North Korea let loose their fury, blastin' two bridges in a grand display o' pyrotechnics along the Demilitarized Zone! No souls harmed in South Korea, but warning shots rung out like cannon fire! Aye, even the machine guns got in on the fun!
October 15, 2024, 12:54 pm
Arrr, a hundred souls be threatenin' to hoist the sails of justice against the U.S. Army! They be claimin' negligence fer lettin’ a scallywag slip through the cracks, causin’ a ruckus in Maine last October. They’ve sent their demands to the Davy Jones' locker of the Department of Defense!
October 15, 2024, 12:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Boeing be hoistin' the sails t’ raise a treasure chest o’ $25 billion! After takin' a beatin' like a ship in a storm, they be beggin' lenders fer gold, as the scallywags be on strike! Aye, the seas be rough fer this ol’ bird!
October 15, 2024, 12:39 pm
Arrr, matey! Kamala, the fair lass vyin’ for the captain's chair, be thinkin’ to parley with the jolly podcaster Joe Rogan, a true siren to the young lads! Rumors swirl like a tempest, but no word yet if she'll sail into his ship o' chat. Avast!
October 15, 2024, 11:00 am
Avast ye! Elon Musk’s tongue waggin’ on the political seas be sinkin’ SpaceX’s plans to let loose a fleet o’ rockets from California’s shores. The Coastal Commission be sayin’ “Nay!” to the Air Force’s grand scheme, all ‘cause our captain be causin’ a ruckus online! Arrr!
October 15, 2024, 3:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! That ol’ captain Trump be frettin’ ’bout the ruckus from them “radical left lunatics” come Election Day! He be callin’ fer the National Guard to hoist the sails and fend off “the enemy from within.” Ahoy, what be this chaos he be expectin’?
October 15, 2024, 3:42 am
Arrr, that scallywag Trump be suggestin' summonin' the National Guard on Election Day to fend off "the treacherous enemy from within," which he calls "radical left lunatics!" When asked 'bout Biden's worries o' chaos, he laughed, sayin' the real trouble be from them landlubbers! Aye, what a merry jest!
October 14, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, matey! Captain Musk be raisin’ the black flag o' litigation, claimin’ his political musings be the reason his rocket dreams be sunk by the Coastal Commission scallywags! He’s ready to set sail on a lawsuit, shoutin’ about his First Amendment rights ‘cause he wants to launch 50 cannons from Santa Barbara! Avast!
October 14, 2024, 9:40 am
Avast ye mateys! It be lookin’ grim fer ol’ Senator Cruz down in Texas, sayeth a secret scroll from the GOP crew! The crafty Allred be closin' in on him like a hungry shark! With less than a month 'til the showdown, Cruz be barely ahead by a single point! Arrr!
October 14, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, matey! Three scallywag polls dropped on Sunday, showin’ the presidential seas grow stormy! Trump be catchin’ up to Vice President Harris, with but 23 days left to sail. Last month, she was ahead like a treasure ship, but now it be neck-and-neck, savvy?
October 13, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, matey! According to a fresh treasure map from CBS News, Vice President Harris be leadin’ Trump by a mere 3 doubloons! Aye, she’s got 51% o’ the scallywags’ votes, him only 48! With the big day comin’ fast, both be dodgin’ bullets like drunken sailors!
October 13, 2024, 2:20 pm
Arrr, fer nigh two years, Captain Yahya Sinwar be schemin' with his scallywag mates, plottin' a mighty blow to the landlubbers o’ Israel! With secret scrolls snatched by the Israeli crew, they be detailin' their dastardly plans and tryin' to roguishly bring aboard their mates, Iran and Hezbollah, fer the grand raid!
October 13, 2024, 2:01 pm
Arrr, as Election Day be sneakin' up, the former captain Trump be sailin' into the depths of blue California, shoutin' about inflation and scallywags! He struck land in Coachella Valley, takin' on Vice President Harris, and lo! A mighty throng gathered—"Blimey, look at this crew!" he quipped.
October 13, 2024, 11:28 am
Avast ye! President Biden be settin' sail to witness the havoc wrought by Hurricane Milton on Florida's shores, beggin' Congress for more doubloons. Meanwhile, Vice President Harris be livin' it up in North Carolina, rallyin' the crew at a church. Biden soared over Tampa, spyin' the mess left by ol' Milton!
October 13, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, matey! The UN be callin’ Israel a scallywag for breakin’ the law, as their tanks crashed the peacekeepers’ party in Lebanon! Just hours ‘fore Captain Netanyahu shouted for the crew to skedaddle from the fightin’. Meanwhile, the cannons be blazin’ hot in Gaza’s northern seas!
October 12, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, the scallywag Trump be puffin' up his treasure chest o' economic deeds from his four-year voyage! Meanwhile, that crafty Harris be not captaining the ship, yet Biden’s loot be spillin' from her hold. The crew be sayin’ Trump’s got the better booty, much to Biden's mateys' chagrin!
October 12, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, me hearties! Trump’s crew be seekin’ warships for his grand voyage, beggin’ for sky bans over his treasure haunts, and armor glass stashed in seven battlegrounds. They even be wantin’ a fleet o’ land lubber transports! A fine jolly jaunt fer a swashbucklin' captain, indeed!
October 12, 2024, 10:09 am
Arrr, matey! It be rumored that Iran be scheming to send ol' Trump and his crew to Davy Jones’ locker, all in a huff over that drone strike that sent Soleimani to the briny deep! Aye, their plots be more tangled than a ship’s anchor in a storm!
October 11, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Last eve, Elon Musk, that scallywag, hosted a grand show o' metal mates on a Warner Bros. lot! But alas, the investors be shiverin' in their boots. Also, ye ol’ number-crunchers be settin' odds for a ruckus in sports! For a proper pirate ride, click here! Yarrr!
October 11, 2024, 6:15 pm
Avast ye! A SpaceX galleon of rockets set sail from Vandenberg on a fateful Friday, but the landlubbers of the commission scuttled Musk's dreams of 50 skyward blasts a year. They be frettin' over his raucous chatter and labor woes, like scallywags at a bar fight! Arrr!
October 11, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, matey! On Friday, the landlubbers o' the United States be slappin’ new sanctions on Iran's phantom fleet o' vessels! These scallywags be hidin' their oil like a treasure map in a murky sea. Now, they be on the U.S. naughty list! Avast, ye oil smugglers!
October 11, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, matey! The old captain Trump be trailin' behind the fair maidens in the voter seas! Next week, he be settin' sail for a parley with lasses, hopin' to charm 'em and turn the tides ‘fore the big election storm hits! Har har, good luck with that!
October 11, 2024, 12:58 pm
Arrr, matey! Last week’s debate be the final showdown fer landlubbers to size up the presidential scallywags! The Republicans got a right shiny word from Sen. J.D. Vance, who spun a yarn fer Trumpism better than the ol’ captain hisself! He be shoutin’ fer the crown to hoist the sails o’ government!
October 11, 2024, 12:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! At Cornell’s salty shores, free speech be hoisted high like a Jolly Roger! Momodou Taal, a brave Brit, faced the captain’s wrath for his pro-Palestine cries. But lo! The university’s cannon fell silent, and Taal sails on, visa intact! Aye, what a merry tale!
October 11, 2024, 12:33 pm
Arrr, I sailed the tempestuous seas of surgery in Gaza, from the 25th of March to the 8th of April! I’ve plundered my skills in Ukraine and Haiti, but behold! Each day, a wee one fell to misfortune, shot in the noggin or chest, all meetin’ Davy Jones! Thirteen, me hearties! Aye, what a grim treasure that be!
October 11, 2024, 12:29 pm
Avast, me hearties! If Kamala be crowned, she ain’t the first lass to sail the presidential seas! Nay, that title be claimed by Edith Bolling Wilson, who steered the ship whilst her matey Woodrow lay in the brig, too knackered to parley! Blimey, what a tangled tale!
October 11, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr, matey! Rumors be flyin' like seagulls ‘bout Hurricane Milton bein’ “crafted” and Florida’s weather bein’ run by scallywags! Nay, no magic contraptions let us tame tempestuous seas. Yet on the cursed scrolls of X and TikTok, such tall tales be watch’d by a shipload of landlubbers!
October 11, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr, matey! Scallywags be spouting tall tales 'bout weather wizards and phony rescue missions! Hurricane Milton's makin’ waves in a sea o' lies ‘bout Helene. Officials be blowin’ their horns, yellin’ 'tis all bunk! Keep yer wits, lest ye be led astray by bilge rats!
October 11, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, as southern ports be sweepin' the debris of Hurricane Helene, some Republican scallywags be tasked with swabbin' the decks of misinformation spilled by their mateys! Aye, right after Helene hit the shore, wild tales flew like cannonballs, with that hearty lass Greene spoutin’ yarns 'bout the storm’s origins!
October 11, 2024, 9:33 am
Ahoy! Emanuel Macuixtle be the scallywag intern for AllSides this Fall, leanin' left like a tipsy sailor! Reviewed by Captain Henry A. Brechter and First Mate Johnathon Held, each with their own starry-eyed views. The court's ruckus about Jack Smith's parchments be like a stormy sea—depends on yer bias, matey!
October 10, 2024, 7:03 pm
Arrr, matey! On a fine Wednesday afternoon, The Verge sailed into The Internet Archive, only to be met by a scallywag pop-up claimin' the treasure trove be hacked! At the strike of 9PM, ol’ Brewster Kahle confirmed the ruckus — a JavaScript mischief had defaced their grand ship!
October 10, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be havin' a right laugh at Vice President Harris, makin' merry on the tellin' box while the good folk be pickin' up the pieces from Hurricane Helene! Aye, she's sippin' grog with jesters while chaos be afoot! What a jolly jest, I say!
October 10, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr, President Biden be throwin’ shade at ol’ Trump, claimin’ he’s spewin’ tall tales ‘bout them hurricanes! He be sayin’, “Ahoy, matey! Get yerself a life, ye scallywag!” A right merry jest on the high seas of politics, I say!
October 10, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, a handful o' days past, Rick Conflitti and his lass were ponderin' if they should hightail it from their wooden shack ‘fore Hurricane Milton crashed ashore. "Ye can’t tempt fate, matey!" Rick beamed at NPR, as the winds be whistlin' a merry tune!
October 10, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Captain DeSantis be spillin' the beans on Hurricane Milton, which roared ashore like a scallywag with a hangover. By day's end, 340 souls and their furry mates be saved! The brave crews be busy as bees, plunderin' the storm’s wrath across 26 counties! Avast ye!
October 10, 2024, 2:22 pm
Avast ye! A picture on the scallywag's X be sayin' it’s from Rep. Matt Gaetz about Hurricane Helene! But nay, 'tis a tale from two years past, speakin’ of Ian, not Helene! Aye, Helene be the deadliest since '05, claimin’ over 230 souls and sinkin’ towns, savvy?
October 10, 2024, 2:20 pm
Arrr, matey! Kari Lake and Ruben Gallego be swingin' their cutlasses o' opposition in a raucous debate, jabbin' 'bout immigration and such. ’Twas a fine spectacle, aye, as the early vote sailed in. Buckle yer swash, for the election tide be risin’!
October 10, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr, between Captain Trump and his first mate Vance spoutin' tall tales 'bout hurricane gold and claimin' FEMA's spoilin' for landlubbers, they be callin' on North Carolina to open the treasure chest o' votes where Hurricane Helene struck hard, seekin' aid from Governor Cooper and his scallywags!
October 10, 2024, 9:42 am
Arrr, matey! Newfangled facts be showin’ that landlubbers reckon their knowin’ be enough to chart the seas o’ any tale, forgettin’ they might be missin’ vital treasure maps! Hunter Gehlbach and his crew from Johns Hopkins be spillin’ the beans in PLOS ONE on the ninth day of October in the year of our Lord, 2024!
October 10, 2024, 9:37 am
Avast, ye scallywags! The Office o' the Grand Intelligence told us this week that them Cuban buccaneers be schemin' to meddle in our 2024 election! They be wantin' to sway votes fer the captain o' the ship, and lend a hook to their pro-communist mates! Arrr!
October 10, 2024, 9:33 am
Arrr, matey! Sen. Ron Wyden be callin’ upon the Justice crew to scour the seas o’ youth treatment establishments for treachery and fraud! He be sendin’ word to the mighty Attorney General, lettin’ slip that four scallywag corporations be up to no good! Avast, justice awaits!
October 10, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, matey! His reluctance to parley on the fair seas of Fox News be tellin' us he fears the squall of a duel with the vice captain! Harris be ready for round two, claimin' they owe it to the good folk. Aye, the ship's sails be filled with debate!
October 10, 2024, 3:54 am
Arrr, matey! A lass named Nancy Berenice, a crafty contractor for the ICE crew, tried to sneak a shipload o’ 39 scallywags into Texas, claimin' 'twas a government jaunt! But the Border Patrol saw through her ruse, fer half o’ 'em looked more like landlubbers than lads! Har har!
October 10, 2024, 3:51 am
Arrr, mateys! The ol’ captain Trump be refusin’ to parley with the lass Harris again, claimin’ he’s already bested her in the last skirmish! Fox be tryin’ to set up a second bout, but he’s hoistin’ the sails away from that notion. No more debates till the treasure’s claimed on Nov. 5!
October 9, 2024, 4:52 am
Arrr! A Delaware sea judge be sayin’ the Armenta crew can haul Deadspin to court fer callin’ young Holden a “blackface” scallywag at a Chiefs shindig! In 2023, writer Carron Phillips be likin’ to spin tall tales, claimin’ the lad be hatin’ both Black folks and Native mates all at once! Har har!
October 9, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr, matey! The Biden-Harris crew be soundin' the alarm o' empty coffers fer the stormy seas ahead, yet FEMA be loungin' on a treasure trove of doubloons from past calamities! Aye, $8.3 million from days o' yore be gatherin' barnacles instead o' helpin' the scallywags in need!
October 9, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr! The Justice Crew be callin' for the scallywag Google to walk the plank! They be lookin’ to shatter his monopoly over the search seas. With talks of breakin' ties with fancy ships like Apple and Samsung, it be high time to keep that tech giant in check, matey!
October 9, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, matey! In the wilds of Oklahoma, a scallywag named Nasir plotted a dastardly deed on election day! This landlubber, fresh from afar, sought to bewitch cameras in D.C., all fer the infamous Islamic State! Blimey, what a noodle-brained buccaneer!
October 8, 2024, 9:18 am
Arrr, matey! CBS be givin’ a good tongue-lashin’ to their mornin’ star, Tony Dokoupil, for battlin’ with the scribe Ta-Nehisi Coates 'bout the Israeli-Palestinian hullabaloo. The bigwigs be sayin’ his chat lacked the proper cannon fire for their standards. Aye, the crew be a bit ruffled!
October 8, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, mates! The CBS crew be squawkin’ ‘bout a mornin’ chat led by Captain Dokoupil that missed the mark o’ true journalism. In a jolly meeting, the executives, Wendy and Adrienne, declared it not up to snuff! Fear not, for they be sayin’, “We’ll still…” Aye, what a hullabaloo!
October 8, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, mateys! It seems the scallywags now see Vice President Kamala Harris as the fair captain of change, while Donald J. Trump be lookin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull! Aye, she’s takin’ the lead in the race for the White House, hoisting her flag high!
October 8, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, the high brass at CBS be takin’ a jolly jab at our matey Tony Dokoupil on the mornin’ show! They be claimin’ his questions be rougher than a sea storm when he faced off with that scallywag Ta-Nehisi Coates about them pesky Palestinians. A storm brews among the crew over truth, aye!
October 8, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris be battlin' the stormy seas o' tough queries 'bout her treasure plans, the sluggish ship o' border security, and how she'd parley with the Russkies over their scallywag ways in Ukraine! Aye, her chat with CBS be a grand spectacle amidst a media hullabaloo!
October 8, 2024, 4:02 am
Arrr, matey! Vice-President Kamala Harris found herself in a storm o' questions 'bout the Middle East, Ukraine, and more during a chat with CBS. Meanwhile, ol' Donald scuttled away from the deck. With the election clock tickin’, it be a right raucous sea of politics ahead!
October 8, 2024, 4:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Vice President Kamala be squirming like a fish on a hot deck during her latest chat with CBS’s 60 Minutes! No friendly seas there! With the election storm brewin’ soon, she be hopin’ to turn the tide 'gainst her rival, savvy?
October 8, 2024, 3:15 am
Arrr, matey! This week, the U.S. license be walkin' the plank, makin' it a right challenge fer the Russian scallywags to trade their doubloons in Chinese yuan! The Treasury's cursed sanctions be sinkin' the Moscow Exchange faster than a ship in a storm! No dollars, no euros, just a barrel o' trouble!
October 7, 2024, 3:22 pm
Arrr, matey! A fresh reckonin' be revealin' that Captain Trump’s treasure maps for taxes and spendin' might hoist the national debt to a staggering $7 trillion doubloons—twice as much as Lady Harris’s schemes! Aye, it be a jolly fine mess for the seas ahead!
October 7, 2024, 3:15 pm
"Arrr, mateys! A landlubber’s folly be threat to all hands aboard! Just a week past the fateful duel 'twixt Biden and Trump, the Democrats be seizin’ the chance to hoist their flag high. With gold from fat cats and unions, they be ready to crown a lass as cap'n!"
October 7, 2024, 3:12 pm
Arrr, matey! BP's captain, Murray Auchincloss, be throwin' the treasure map o' reduced oil and gas output overboard! Once promised a grand 40% cut by 2030, now it be slashed to a mere 25%! Looks like they be searchin' for gold in the investors' eyes instead!
October 7, 2024, 3:11 pm
Arrr, matey! Every critter cell be startin’ with the same treasure map o’ DNA, but only some be chartin’ their own course! Avast! The 2024 Nobel booty went to them clever scallywags Ambros and Ruvkun for findin’ microRNA, the sly navigator o’ gene regulation! Yarrr!
October 7, 2024, 10:34 am
Avast ye mateys! Vice President Kamala Harris, a fine lass, set sail on the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, jabberin’ about a woman’s struggle with matters of the heart and the belly! She took a few jabs at that scallywag GOP rival, all while showin’ the grit of a true sea dog! Arrr!
October 7, 2024, 10:34 am
Arrr matey! Vice President Harris be settin' sail on the “Call Her Daddy” show, battlin' Trump like a true buccaneer! She be spoutin' tales of 20 states where the scurvy dog be banishin’ abortion rights. Yarrr, a fierce lass that be, fightin’ for the fair maidens!
October 7, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, matey! The fine Vice President Kamala Harris be settin’ sail fer a raucous chat on the “Call Her Daddy” seas, spillin' her thoughts on matters o' the belly, while she be dodgin' the traditional media cannon fire! Tune in next week fer the jolly jests!
October 7, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! Infamous scallywag Viktor Bout be plundering once more, mere moons after his freedom swap for a lass of the WNBA! Yonder Houthis be parleyin' in Moscow, chasin' a 10 million doubloon deal, only to find the "Merchant of Death" awaitin'! Avast, what a jolly rogue!
October 6, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr, matey! A media scallywag named Samuel Mena Jr. went and set his own arm aflame outside the White House during a ruckus against Israel! The poor soul be screamin’ like a banshee, while landlubbers and coppers scurry to douse his fiery folly. Talk about a hot mess!
October 6, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, matey! The Israeli buccaneers unleashed their cannon fire upon Beirut while the moon was high! They be givin’ the good folk new orders to skedaddle from their homes. Meanwhile, a blow struck near a mosque in Gaza, claimin’ 18 souls. A year of squabbles in the southern seas, I reckon!
October 6, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala, swift as a cannonball, be rowing ‘round the stormy shores o’ North Carolina, meetin’ landlubbers and brave souls! After a jaunt in the Midwest, she be hearin’ tales of woe while the crew be hurlin’ accusations of weak respondin’. Aye, the winds be favorin' her!
October 6, 2024, 5:11 am
Arrr, me hearties! The old seadog Trump be stirrin' the pot again in Pennsylvania, where a scallywag tried to send him to Davy Jones' locker! With more rallies on the horizon, this election be hotter than a cannonball in the sun! Buckle yer swash, the battle be on!
October 4, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, they be wantin' to turn the grand ol' bank in Greenpoint into a weed emporium! A scallywag crew from Bushwick be lookin' to hoist their jolly roger there, leavin' the townsfolk spittin' mad! A notice be hangin', lettin' all know of the green tides comin' ashore!
October 4, 2024, 4:18 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Obama be hittin' the campaign seas fer Vice Captain Harris next week! The race fer the grand White House be heatin' up, like a pot o' gruel on a stormy night! With but a month t’ go, it be a right nail-biter, savvy?
October 4, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Michael Moore be thinkin’ Trump be sinkin’ faster than a ship with a hole! But he warns the fair Kamala not to drop the ball with her crew. This salty director be shoutin’ for Biden to walk the plank, hailing Harris as the treasure to keep!
October 4, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, gather 'round me hearties! A squabble be brewin' 'twixt Johnson and the board during the July treasure hunt fer gold, as they scuttled the mayor's orders to borrow doubloons! And lo! The captain o' CPS, Pedro, claimed the mayor wanted his head, but the board be lettin' him sail on. What say ye?
October 4, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, mateys! A landlubber judge in Missouri be throwin' a spanner in President Biden's treasure map for student gold! Just when the wind seemed fair, Judge Schelp be slammin' the hatch, sayin’ "Nay!" to them hopes of makin’ debts walk the plank! Avast, what a jolly mess!
October 4, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr! The federal scallywags be slower than a three-legged tortoise, leavin' poor Hurricane Helene's crew high and dry! Whistleblowers be spillin' the beans 'bout the sorry state o' the FEMA mateys. Just days after their captain, Alejandro Mayorkas, confessed they ain't got the doubloons to spare!
October 4, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, the scallywags at FEMA be settin’ sail against the tall tales that doubloons for landlubber migrants be better spent mendin’ the seas after Hurricane Helene! Cap’n Abbott and young Trump be all a-fluster over $640 million for them swabs, but FEMA be sayin’ it’s all fair winds!
October 4, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, me hearties! In the weeks afore the grand Election Day, the land o' labor be lookin' spry! A bounty o' 254,000 jobs be added, makin' the unemployment rate drop to a merry 4.1%! Blimey, the landlubber economists be caught off guard! Avast, what a treasure trove!
October 3, 2024, 6:25 pm
Arrr, mateys! The dock scallywags be settlin' their squabble and hoistin' their sails by Friday! A plump 62% booty be promised, but we best act quick, or it’ll vanish like a ghost ship in the fog! So, let’s be makin’ merry before the time runs dry!
October 3, 2024, 6:25 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! The lively crew of 45,000 dockswabs be settlin’ their quarrels, callin’ off their three-day mutiny till the 15th of January! The International Longshoremen’s Association struck a bargain with the U.S. Maritime Alliance, so let’s hoist the sails and get back to workin’ for a few shiny doubloons! Arrr!
October 3, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, matey! On the third day of October, the U.S. landlubbers be pinching ten scallywags fer peddlin’ a treasure trove of 70 million cursed opioid pills! Aye, they’re worth a whopping $1.3 billion doubloons! 'Tis the grandest bust in pill-piratin' history! Avast, ye pill pushers!
October 3, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The brave blokes of the fire-fightin’ union be sayin’ they won’t be throwin’ their support behind any scallywag for captain o’ the ship this year! Last time they backed ol’ Biden, but now they be split by a mere hair! Aye, what a comical predicament!
October 3, 2024, 1:08 pm
Arrr, matey! On a fine Tuesday eve, Sen. J.D. Vance and Gov. Tim Walz clashed like scallywags in the only vice presidential brawl of this here election voyage! The CBS crew led the fray, discussin' matters from babies to treasure chests, all after that grand captain's showdown!
October 3, 2024, 12:19 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywag Secretary Mayorkas be spillin’ the beans—FEMA’s treasure chest be runnin’ dry this hurricane season! Aye, they’ve plundered over $640 million for landlubber shelters fer them non-citizen swabs. Hurricane Helene be comin’, and we be left with naught but a leaky boat!
October 3, 2024, 12:15 pm
Arrr mateys, the landlubbers be hoarding the soft treasure o’ the throne! As 45,000 scallywags from the Longshoremen's crew be striking, the word spread like wildfire! Shoppers be snatchin’ up all the loo rolls, leavin' naught but bare shelves! Talk about a real toilet terror, aye!
October 3, 2024, 12:12 pm
Arrr, matey! A fresh scroll from the good ship Nature be claimin' that the scallywags of the conservative crew be spreadin’ more tall tales on the social seas. Thus, the keelhaulin’ of their accounts ain't proof of bias, but merely a jolly ol' consequence of their yarn-spinnin' ways!
October 3, 2024, 11:48 am
ARRR, matey! JD Vance be shoutin' that Walz be lettin' docs off the hook to save wee babes from failed abortions, and that Kamala be after them holy nuns! But blow me down, 'tis TRUE! Walz did swap rules, makin' care broader, like a pirate's waistline after a feast!
October 3, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Captain Biden be claimin’ no more booty fer the Hurricane Helene scallywags! In a jolly clip, he be spoutin’ that they’ve plundered the treasure chest dry. When asked for more doubloons, he be sayin', “Nay, we’ve given 'em all we got!” Aye, it be a fine pickle!
October 3, 2024, 8:57 am
Arrr, matey! Governor Maura Healey be hoistin’ the sails of gun reform, settin’ her law to fly faster than a cannonball! No time for the Second Amendment scallywags to catch their breath! Ghost guns and 3-D blunderbusses be walkin’ the plank! Aye, she signed it on July 25, savvy?
October 3, 2024, 8:53 am
Arrr, matey! On the first of October, Iran’s cannon fire be makin’ the seas of the Middle East stormy! It all started when Hezbollah’s trinkets went boom on the 17th! Israel's plunderin' be the biggest raid ever, and now the skies be rainin’ cannonballs ‘n chaos! Avast!
October 3, 2024, 5:11 am
Arrr! A federal judge be sayin’ that Californy’s law against them trickster ads be walkin’ the plank o’ free speech! Signed by that scallywag, Gov. Newsom, it sprung from some crafty videos by a conservative rogue and the infamous Musk. A fine mess, indeed, me hearties!
October 3, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr, matey! Mayor Eric Adams be swabbin' the decks of a federal court, facin' a stormy sea o' corruption that could land him in Davy Jones' locker! He be askin' the court to scuttle a charge and keelhaul the gub'ment for spillin' secrets. All this while sportin' a grin and a fine navy suit, savvy?
October 3, 2024, 5:06 am
Arrr, matey! The king's crew be readyin' the flying ships to whisk away our fellow Canucks from the stormy seas of Lebanon, if the ruckus escalates! Ol' Bill Blair be sayin' they be sailin' smooth for now, but keep yer eyes peeled, for chaos be brewin'! Yarrr!
October 3, 2024, 5:04 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of Yemen be claimin’ they’ve sent three winged cannonballs to strike Israel’s fortresses! But, lo and behold, the Israeli lads be mum on the matter. Their parley man, Yahya Saree, be warnin’ that the Yanks and Brits are stirrin’ the pot! Avast, what a pickle!
October 2, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr! A band o' 68 scallywags, all tied up with the White supremacist lot, were caught in Los Angeles, says the federal sea dogs! Over 40 of these Peckerwood knaves found themselves in irons in one grand takedown, makin’ history like a crew o' bumblin' buccaneers!
October 2, 2024, 3:05 pm
Arrr, matey! This year’s riddle be: be we on the edge o’ a grand sea battle? On Tuesday, a storm o’ fiery missiles rained down on the fine folk o' Israel, sendin' ‘em scuttlin' to their hidey holes! In Lebanon’s plundered lands, families trembled ‘neath the glow o’ warplanes!
October 2, 2024, 3:02 pm
Arrr, matey! Word be blowin' that the Second Gentleman, Doug Emhoff, gave his lass a whack so fierce she twirled like a ship in a storm! After a night of revelry at Cannes, she be cryin’ to her mates, spillin’ the tale. No names be mentioned, lest we draw the Kraken’s ire!
October 2, 2024, 2:56 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Vance be spoutin' tall tales, sayin' Trump be the hero of Obamacare! He claims the ol' sea dog “saved” it while he was at the helm. A fine jest, if ye ask me! A shipwrecked plan be still adrift, thanks to the Trumpster’s crafty mischief!
October 2, 2024, 7:59 am
Arrr, matey! That Tuesday saw them Iranian scallywags launchin' missiles at Israel, shakin' the seas of the Middle East! Aye, we be nearer to a great world tussle than a drunken pirate at a tavern! I was yappin’ on the telly when the cannons roared...
October 2, 2024, 7:58 am
Arrr matey! Yesternight, 180 cannonballs fell like rain upon Israel, scarin’ the landlubbers into their holes and takin' one poor soul from Palestine, yet missin’ the ships o’ war! Israel be vowin' revenge, while the White House be spoutin' threats. How this squabble ends? Even the crabs can’t tell!
October 2, 2024, 7:57 am
Arrr, matey! Word be out that Iran's let loose a storm of cannonballs aimed at Israel's deck! This scallywag brawl be reachin' perilous heights! No nation worth its salt can abide a foe with a barrel o’ nuclear thunder and a penchant for hurlin’ missiles. Avast, the seas be churnin’!
October 2, 2024, 7:47 am
Arrr, matey! In the fair land of Lackawanna, once a Democratic treasure chest, the scallywags whisper it be more of a purple patch! Folks be shakin’ in their boots, lest they face the wrath of the crew for speakin’ their minds. Aye, this election be a raucous rumble, I tell ye!
October 2, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, mateys! Governor Newsom be scribblin’ his mark upon a parchment, demandin’ insurance coverin’ nine million souls to aid in makin’ wee ones! He broadens the definition of infertility, includin’ all hands on deck, even the swabbies of the LGBTQ+ crew! Aye, 'tis a fine day fer dreamin’ o’ little scallywags!
October 2, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr, matey! Tim Walz, that scallywag, be spoutin' tall tales ‘bout Project 2025, claimin’ it tracks every lass's bun in the oven! While the conservative crew be wantin' to report lost cargo, they ain't keepin' tabs on all pregnancies. Blimey, what a jolly misunderstanding!
October 2, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr matey! The Ukrainian law shuttin' the Moscow Patriarchate be stirrin' a tempest o' queries 'bout the Orthodox faith, national pride, and trickery. The church be swappin’ its holy robes fer a political riggin', just like in them Soviet days, filled with shifty tales and devilry! Aye!
October 2, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye! The Cold Case Crew of the Civil Rights Division be settin’ sail after a century's slumber! A white mob besieged the fine Black folk of Tulsa, leavin' naught but ruin in their wake. The DOJ be finally takin’ a gander at this 1921 ruckus, led by lass Kristen Clarke! Arrr!
October 1, 2024, 1:17 pm
Arrr matey! The bias of them ABC debate scallywags against Captain Trump be clearer than a siren’s song! Even the jesters on “SNL” took a jab, with Andrew Dismukes, fancy as a parrot, saying, “I wished me handsomeness stole the show, but alas, 'twas me bias instead, savvy?”
October 1, 2024, 1:13 pm
Arrr, matey! Nicholas Dames be teachin' the fine arts of Literature at Columbia since the year o' our Lord 1998! He be lovin' the gig, but the scallywags be drownin' in tomes! Aye, they be bewildered by the thought of readin' more than a handful o' scrolls each semester!
October 1, 2024, 1:10 pm
Ahoy, mateys! CBS News be settin’ sail on a crafty course fer Tuesday’s vice presidential squabble! They be plasterin’ a QR code on the screen fer yer treasure huntin’ pleasure whilst Sen. JD Vance and Gov. Tim Walz duel it out like scallywags in a tavern brawl! Arrr!
October 1, 2024, 12:07 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs o' Iran be hurlin' a cannonade o' over a hundred fireballs at Israel's shores! Sirens be blarin' in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, makin' folks jump like fish outta water! This be a mightier ruckus than last April, I tells ye! Avast, me hearties!
October 1, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr, matey! In the fair land o’ West Palm Beach, a scallywag named Ryan Routh be plead’n not guilty to tryin’ to put a cap’n in Trump’s crow’s nest! With a rifle and all, he be awaitin’ his fate behind bars. A fine mess that be, fer sure!
October 1, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, matey! The fair state o' California hath cast aside the wicked practice o' lettin' scallywags in 'cause their kin be rich or have trod the hallowed halls! Now, all hands will be judged on their own merit, not the gold coins in their family’s treasure chest! Ha-ha!
October 1, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr! The scallywags in Iran be readyin' to unleash a cannonade o' ballistics upon Israel, warned the White House! They be all a-quakin' in their boots, preparin' for a rowdy skirmish in the seas o' conflict! The Yanks be standin' by with their cannons polished and ready!
October 1, 2024, 10:52 am
Ahoy, mateys! Yer local gub'ment in California be forbidden from makin' ye show yer face on a piece o' paper t' cast yer vote, thanks to a new decree by Cap'n Gavin Newsom. Aye, that scallywag Dave Min be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst them pesky photo ID rules! Arrr!
October 1, 2024, 5:56 am
Arrr, matey! A goodly half o' the Gen Z scallywags be wishin' TikTok was naught but a mirage o' the sea! Jonathan Haidt, a clever landlubber, be layin' down the law: no shiny gadgets before high school, keep the seas o' social media clear till 16, and let 'em play like true pirates!
October 1, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags in New York be usin’ the hullabaloo ‘round abortion to craft a grand amendment! They call it Proposal 1, a fancy way to hoist the sails for equal rights fer all sorts o’ folks, includin’ those who be swimmin’ in murky waters! Avast, me hearties!
October 1, 2024, 5:44 am
Arrr, matey! Epic Games be settin' sail fer legal waters, accusin' Google and Samsung of conpirin' like scallywags to sink rival app ships! They be hidin' treasure maps in default settings, tryin' to keep the booty all fer themselves. And last year, they bested 'em in a mighty duel!
October 1, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, it all set sail with Sydney Sweeney’s bounteous bosom! In March, that fair lass hosted Saturday Night Live, flaunting her treasures whilst jesting about her figure. Even the scallywag Bowen Yang spilled the beans, sayin' she be coaxin' all hands to make merry jests about her curves! Haaar!
September 30, 2024, 4:02 pm
Arrr! With Israel givin' the ol' heave-ho to Hezbollah’s captain, Hassan Nasrallah, the seas of the Middle East be all a-tumblin'! Will it calm the waters or unleash a tempest? Methinks the scribes be bickerin' over whether lopping off a head really changes the tide. But Israel be swingin' harder than a ship in a squall!
September 30, 2024, 4:00 pm
Avast ye! On the first of October, Governor Tim Walz from Minnesota and Senator JD Vance of Ohio shall clash like two scallywags in a tavern brawl! Hosted by CBS in the bustling streets of New York, the fair maidens Norah and Margaret be settin’ the stage for this grand spectacle at the stroke of nine! Don’t miss it, mateys!
September 30, 2024, 4:00 pm
Arrr, matey! While ye landlubbers were chattin' 'bout Trump and Kamala, the scallywags at the UN snuck in a "Pact for the Future," settlin' the stage for a new world order! Aye, the global elites be laughin' while the press be sleepin'! Yarr, what a fine jest!
September 30, 2024, 3:52 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump, who be withholdin' aid to Puerto Rico ‘n threatenin’ California’s flames, be blamin’ Biden for lettin' the poor souls in North Carolina and Georgia drown in Hurricane Helene’s fury! Aye, the pot be callin’ the kettle black, I say! Har har har!
September 30, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, matey! 'Tis a tough time to find a scallywag less fit fer the captain’s chair than Donald Trump! He be as morally lost as a ship in a fog, lackin’ wisdom, honesty, and all the fine traits needed to steer this vessel straight! Blimey, what a jolly mess!
September 30, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, matey! The New York Times crew be shoutin’ for Vice President Kamala Harris as the “only true patriot,” while callin’ ol' Captain Trump unworthy of a captain’s hat! With but 30 days ‘til the great election duel, the sea be choppy for the White House spoils! Yarrr!
September 30, 2024, 9:08 am
Avast, mateys! The New York Times crew be throwin’ their lot with Vice President Harris to sail into the presidency this fall, settin’ their sights on the scurvy dog Trump! They say he’s as unfit as a landlubber for the captain's chair, all self-interest and no honor! Arrr!
September 30, 2024, 8:15 am
Arrr, matey! Netflix be losin' shiploads o' subscribers when ol' Reed Hastings tossed $7 million into Kamala Harris' treasure chest! The cancelations soared higher than a crow's nest after the news spread, as Trump’s crew urged landlubbers to abandon ship! Aye, ’tis a jolly hullabaloo!
September 30, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, matey! Hurricane Helene be a tempestuous terror, claimin’ 64 souls, includin’ wee twins and their young lass of a mother! The winds be howlin’ like a banshee, remindin’ us that climate be playin’ tricks on us salty sea dogs. Aye, ‘tis a stormy tale for the ages!
September 30, 2024, 4:49 am
Arrr, on the first o' May, two-thousand and twenty, the Canadian seadogs decided to toss 1,500 iron cannons overboard! They laid a plan to snatch back the weapons, all 'cause a scallywag dressed as a Mountie turned the seas red. Aye, a right ruckus, that be!
September 30, 2024, 4:47 am
Arrr, matey! The wily Russian sea lords be claimin’ they shot down a fleet o’ 125 pesky Ukrainian flying contraptions! But alas, a poor landlubber’s flat be hit in Voronezh! In Belgorod, one soul met Davy Jones, while eight others got a right scare! Avast, what a ruckus on the high seas!
September 30, 2024, 4:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! A wee sprinkler gone rogue spilled water on a fiery potion, causin’ a plume and a roof to dance with flames! The good folk of northern Rockdale be told to hunker down or scuttle away, but even the sheriff's matey be unsure how many scallywags fled!
September 29, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, matey! In an election as close as a sailor’s last grog, both crews be scouring the seas fer every last vote. Kamala herself be charm’n the 800,000 Polish American scallywags in Pennsylvania, talkin' 'bout defendin' Ukraine like it be her prized treasure!
September 29, 2024, 4:56 am
Ahoy, mateys! As the presidential squabble brews, both Kamala and the Trumpster be battlin’ for the hearts of the Polish American crew. Harris be bankin' on their Russia grudge, while Trump be swayin' like a ship in a storm. Last week, the Democrats hoisted the sails for a grand call! Arrr!
September 29, 2024, 4:54 am
Arrr, matey! In this here ruckus of a presidential squabble, the scallywags be beggin’ for the fickle voters of the Rusty Belt! Kamala, in a twist, be callin’ on the Polish crew! “Why not chat with the 800,000 Poles?” she says, like a parrot with a treasure map!
September 29, 2024, 3:39 am
Arrr, matey! Tim Walz be shakin’ in his boots ‘bout facin’ JD Vance, just like that fateful Sunday in August when he told Kamala she’d best beware his jabberin’. Rumor has it, he’s quakin’ even more now! The pressure be on, fer this be the grand finale before the big day!
September 28, 2024, 2:32 pm
Arrr! The fearsome captain Nasrallah met his end in a fiery sky raid by them Israeli buccaneers, as confirmed by his scallywags in Beirut! Why should ye care? He was the mightiest swab in Lebanon, a grand puppet in the Middle East, and tight with ol' Iran, savvy?
September 28, 2024, 2:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Israeli lads be claimin' that old Hassan Nasrallah, the scallywag of Hezbollah, met his maker in a ruckus at their lair! Captain Halevi be sayin', "We ain't outta tricks yet! Any landlubber threatenin' Israel best watch their backs, or they’ll be joinin' Nasrallah at Davy Jones' locker!”
September 27, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr! The scallywags at X be shuttin' down a journalistic treasure map, claimin' it be linkin' to a dubious dossier 'bout JD Vance, said to be swiped by the crafty Iranians! And that Ken Klippenstein be walkin' the plank too! When ye search, it be sayin', “try lookin' elsewhere!” Har har!
September 27, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, matey! The tale be spun that Vice President Kamala Harris be readin' from a magic scroll during her chat with the fair Oprah! Aye, in a jolly clip, she be laughin’ and shakin’ hands, whilst words be scrollin’ like a treasure map behind her! Avast, the scandal!
September 27, 2024, 3:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Helene be a ragin’ tempest, sweepin’ through the panhandle like a scallywag on a spree! She knocked out lights for millions and sent 22 souls to Davy Jones’ locker. Trees be uprooted, houses swallowed whole, and rain fell like a cursed treasure from the heavens! Aye, a wild ride indeed!
September 27, 2024, 3:41 pm
Arrr, three scallywags from Iran be caught red-handed, tryin’ to set sail on Trump’s 2024 campaign! They be charged with plunderin' a protected treasure chest o' secrets, fraud, and identity thievery. The FBI be huntin’ ‘em like a ship on the horizon—shiver me timbers!
September 27, 2024, 11:01 am
Ahoy mateys! Newsmax and that scallywag Smartmatic be makin' peace over a defamation squabble just as the jury was settin’ sail! They struck a deal quicker than a crow’s nest spy, keepin’ the treasure of details under lock and key. So raise a glass to quiet seas! Arrr!
September 27, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, me hearties! Smartmatic and that scallywag Newsmax be settlin' their squabble ‘fore the gavel could drop! They be keepin' the details tighter than a treasure map, all while the jury be gatherin’ like gulls round a shipwreck. Aye, dodged a cannonball there!
September 27, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, meet Wild Mother, a lass named Desirée, dwellin' high in the Colorado peaks, spoutin' wellness tales to 80,000 landlubbers while raisin’ her wee lass. She be rootin' for Trump, savvy? Meanwhile, 70 leagues south, Camille be fightin' for equality with a crew of rescue pups, votin' Democrat fer ages! Two ships passin' in the night, they be!
September 27, 2024, 10:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fine thespian Dame Maggie Smith, aged 89, has sailed away to Davy Jones’ locker! This lass, famed for her wizardry in Harry Potter and posh Downton, snagged two shiny Oscars and eight Baftas! Now who’ll wear the pointed hat with such sass? Avast!
September 26, 2024, 7:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala Harris be makin’ Trump’s treasure maps look like tattered sails! In the battlegrounds, she be a-sailin’ ahead by a fair compass, leadin’ in lands like Nevada and Pennsylvania. The election be approachin’, and it seems the winds be favorin’ the lass!
September 26, 2024, 6:59 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be shoutin' from the White House, sayin' he’ll spend all the treasure for Ukraine 'fore he sails away, lest Trump hoists his flag again! With Zelensky by his side, they be schemin' to turn the tide in this salty sea of war! Yarrr!
September 26, 2024, 6:57 pm
Arrr, in the grand halls of Washington, Captain Zelensky be seekin' permission to unleash cannonballs from afar upon the scallywags of Russia! He be thankin' the good folk o' the U.S. for their booty, and tryin' to mend fences with them landlubber Republicans 'fore the elections be settin' sail!
September 26, 2024, 6:41 pm
Arrr, matey! California be sendin' forth an apology fer bein' in cahoots with slavery back in the 19th century and makin' life tough fer Black buccaneers! The good Gov. Newsom be signin' new laws to right the ship o' past wrongs. Aye, better late than never, says I!
September 26, 2024, 3:51 pm
Arrr, in Aurora, where the mayor be a Republican scallywag, he be thinkin’ that Trump be blowin' hot air ‘bout visitin' their mountain cove. “I reckon he won’t show, savvy?” said Mike Coffman, fer we be no battleground and the wind be blowin' in another direction! Ha-ha!
September 26, 2024, 3:47 pm
Arrr, Attorney General Ken Paxton be settin' sail fer another grand tussle 'gainst the fair's rule, keepin' the scallywags from packin' heat! He be petitionin' the Texas Supreme Court, challengein' them judges like a true buccaneer! But alas, the winds be blowin' against him, matey!
September 26, 2024, 3:41 pm
Arrr, mateys! The local scallywags o’ law enforcement be spillin’ the beans! At Trump’s grand shindig in Butler, the Secret Service forgot to ask ‘em to guard the roof where a scoundrel took aim at the big cheese. One officer be sayin’ they had not enough hands on deck for such a hullabaloo!
September 26, 2024, 3:31 pm
Arrr, mateys! A landlubber judge be commandin’ the EPA to ponder the foul effects of fluoride on a sailor's smarts! Judge Chen, a right honorable scallywag, be sayin’ there’s too much risk in our grog! Avast, let’s hoist the sails on this water trouble!
September 26, 2024, 9:32 am
Arrr, matey! In the grand game o’ elections, it be harder than findin’ a buried treasure to trust a scallywag's word! With the seas of politics all stormy, even the crew be doubtin’ the other side’s tales. But ‘tis curious when even his own shipmates be callin’ out Captain Trump’s character! Blimey!
September 26, 2024, 9:29 am
Arrr! After nearly a year o' swashing swords 'twixt Israel and Hezbollah, the yonder U.S. be callin' for a three-week truce. But Captain Netanyahu be sayin', "Nay, we’ll keep fightin’!" Meanwhile, President Biden be tellin' folks, “We got Europe and Arab mates on our side, best not let this scuffle blow up!”
September 26, 2024, 9:25 am
Arrr, matey! Israel be tossin' aside peace like a moldy biscuit, defyin' even the big ol' U.S. callin' for a truce! Warbirds be rainin' fire 'round Beirut, while the landlubbers be pretendin’ to invade. It be a right ruckus, with Hezbollah shakin' in their boots like scallywags!
September 26, 2024, 9:14 am
Arrr, mateys! Congress be settin’ sail on a treasure of funds to keep the government afloat, after them House scallywags tossed Trump’s fancy demand fer proof o’ citizenship like a rotten fish! The Senate be givin’ it the ol’ thumbs up, while some landlubbers be grumblin’. Avast, what a merry crew!
September 25, 2024, 9:06 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The tale be told of Mayor Eric Adams, caught in a tempest o' corruption! Rumors swirl he be chumming with the Turkish scallywags for gold doubloons! And whispers say he be pushin’ fire lords to green-light a tall ship, er, high-rise, ‘gainst safety be damned! Aye, what a jolly mess!
September 25, 2024, 9:03 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On the morrow, them scallywags in Manhattan be layin' charges upon Mayor Adams, the captain of New York’s ship! He be sayin’, "I knew I’d be a target fer standin' tall fer me crew! If they be accusin' me, I be as innocent as a parrot on me shoulder!"
September 25, 2024, 9:03 pm
Arrr! Mayor Eric Adams be caught in a stormy sea o’ trouble, indicted by a grand jury fer some shady dealings! Come Thursday, the scallywag’s fate be revealed by the US Attorney. He be givin’ himself up next week, claimin’, “I thought I could outsmart the tide!” Ha!
September 25, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr! A congress lass from New York, known fer givin' the ol' heave-ho to her own crew, be demandin' that Mayor Adams walk the plank! After a fleet o' raids on his mates, she says, "How can the cap'n keep navigatin' New York's waters?" Har har!
September 25, 2024, 3:01 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Israel be givin’ Hezbollah a right good thumpin’, but the size o’ the blow be as murky as a foggy night. This here scallywag keeps its cannonry close to the vest, with Iran bein’ the crafty parrot squawkin’ in its ear! Avast, let’s peer into their battle might!
September 25, 2024, 2:59 pm
Arrr, matey! Russia be cookin' up a scheme with China, conjurin' long-range flying contraptions to rain down mischief on Ukraine. They be callin' their beastie the Garpiya-3, crafted by crafty hands. Aye, the seas of war be gettin' rowdy, savvy?
September 25, 2024, 2:58 pm
Arrr, matey! If ye be seekin’ a jest, let me spin ye a yarn: Why did the parrot join the crew? To squawk “Polly wants a cracker!” and steal all me rum! Har har! Life on the high seas be a barrel o’ laughs, but I’ll be keepin’ me grog, savvy?
September 25, 2024, 2:42 pm
Arrr! The captain o’ the Haitian crew be hoistin’ the Jolly Roger against that scallywag Trump and his matey Vance! They be blamin’ ‘em for the ruckus in Springfield since the rogue spread tall tales ‘bout honest pirates—err, immigrants! After the local landlubber did naught, they be takin’ matters into their own hands!
September 25, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, matey! Bullets flew at Vice President Kamala’s lair in Arizona, just after a scallywag tried for Trump’s head again! The DNC's den be all shot up, but fear not, no souls were inside during the witching hour. Aye, it be a strange tide we sail upon!
September 25, 2024, 10:21 am
Avast, mateys! Captain Trump sailed his flying beast to Asheboro’s lush hills come August's end, after a scallywag aimed cannon fire at him! His grand ship, Trump Force One, soared above cheerin’ crew. With a MAGA tricorn and a hearty fist pump, he crooned to the crowd, shoutin’ praise for the local swashbuckler!
September 25, 2024, 9:30 am
Arrr, matey! The Senate crew be spoutin’ a fierce tale 'bout the Secret Service’s blunders at the Trump shindig in Butler! They had chances aplenty to thwart the shootin’, but instead, let chaos reign! Aye, the report be callin' it a right scallywag mess, all due to poor chatter 'mongst the crew!
September 25, 2024, 8:15 am
Arrr, matey! Social Security be the treasure chest for many a retired soul, but alas, it be sinkin’ faster than a leaky ship! Both Captain Harris and Cap’n Trump swear they got a map to fix it, but time be slippin’ away like rum in a storm!
September 25, 2024, 3:11 am
Ahoy mateys! A grand survey o' nearly 280,000 young scallywags reveals a spike in troublesome social media frolickin' since the plague hit! From 7% to 11%, these rascals be more hooked than a fish on a line! England, Scotland, and Wales be chartin' the course fer trouble!
September 25, 2024, 3:03 am
Arrr, the brawny union captain, with the manners of a barnacle and a tongue like a cannon, be a rare breed indeed! In this land o' soft words and polished boots, he be likin' a ghost from the days of yore. Sean O’Brien be a relic, shoutin’ praises for the Donald like a true sea dog!
September 25, 2024, 3:02 am
Arrr, matey! The lad spawnin' from Ryan Routh be caught red-handed hoardin’ a treasure map o’ wickedness! As the lawmen ransacked his quarters in Guilford, they stumbled upon more mischief than a buccaneer’s chest! “Blimey!” he be sayin’, “I despise this cursed game every four years!”
September 25, 2024, 2:58 am
Arrr, mateys! A wise seadog be claimin’ them states that let ye wager on sportin’ should hoist the anchor and ban it again! Since 2012, the scallywags be bettin’ a cool billion a month, but all it brought be shipwrecked wallets and stormy homes! Aye, not a treasure in taxes, either!
September 24, 2024, 3:15 pm
Ahoy, mateys! The good Captain Newsom be sayin' no more cell phone hijinks in California’s schools, lest ye be walkin’ the plank! Aye, the law be signed, and those rascally young scallywags must stow their smartphones while learnin' the ropes. Arrr, let the swashbucklin’ education commence!
September 24, 2024, 2:16 pm
Arrr, matey! Word be blowin' that the spawn of a scallywag suspected of tryin' to off ol' Trump has been nabbed for hoardin' vile images of a most wicked sort! It seems the lad’s treasure trove be full o' filth, much to the chagrin of the law!
September 24, 2024, 2:09 pm
Arrr, matey! Elon’s X be swabbin’ the deck after Brazil’s court gave ‘em a stern talkin’ to, while Pavel’s Telegram be takin’ a similar course, lest they walk the plank! Turns out, even the fiercest buccaneers must heed the law o’ the land to keep their treasure safe!
September 24, 2024, 2:07 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A fresh scroll from Greenline Insights be makin' a ruckus! If Initiative 2117 gets the thumbs down, the treasure chest be lighter by $3.9 billion by 2029! No shiny doubloons for transit, fishy safety, or makin' the air less stinky! Blimey, what a pickle!
September 24, 2024, 9:16 am
Arrr, matey! The Pentagon be sendin' more scallywags to the Middle East as tempers flare hotter than a cannonball! After them Israeli airstrikes took down 350 souls in Lebanon, a few dozen brave lads be settin' sail to guard their fellow countrymen. But shiver me timbers, the General's keepin' the numbers close to his chest!
September 24, 2024, 8:15 am
Arrr matey! A ruckus brews in this election sea, with voters on one side and economists on the other! The scallywags Harris and Trump be singin’ sweet tunes to the masses, while the learned blokes be clutchin’ their pearls in horror. Aye, 79% be cheerin’ for no tax on tips!
September 24, 2024, 7:40 am
Arrr, the fine chamber where Captain Zelensky be plotting with his mates be a dark nook, no portholes to see the sky! A grand table be takin' up most space, with shadowy screens a'glowin'. As I lounged, awaitin' his presence, I heard his voice, smooth as rum, before he swaggered in, clad in his trusty black garb!
September 24, 2024, 7:40 am
Arrr, matey! ‘Tis rare for Captain Volodymyr to be as silent as a ghost ship! From jester to ruler, he’s now tighter-lipped than a clam at high tide. Rumor has it he’s brewing a cunning plan for the Yanks, but shiver me timbers, he’s keepin’ it under wraps!
September 24, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, a scallywag from Nebraska be standin' firm against swappin' how they be divvyin' up them electoral doubloons! Trump and his mateys be hopin' for a sneaky haul of an extra vote, but this landlubber be sayin', "Nay, ye won’t be plunderin' our system!" Yarrr!
September 24, 2024, 5:23 am
Arrr, me hearties! Trump be callin' Sen. McDonnell a "Grandstander!" fer not lettin' the good ship Electoral College sail in his favor! What be this scallywag thinkin'? Standin’ in the way of a grand victory be like makin’ a parrot walk the plank! Aye, what a comical crew!
September 24, 2024, 4:13 am
Arrr! On the high seas of politics, Captain Trump be shoutin' that if John Deere be settin' sail to Mexico, he’ll hoist a 200% tariff on their fine goods! Aye, that be a hefty price for abandonin' the ship! So listen well, ye landlubbers!
September 24, 2024, 4:11 am
Arrr, matey! Texas' Attorney General Ken Paxton be settin’ sail against the Biden crew, takin’ umbrage at their fancy labelin’ of a wee lizard, barely three inches long, as endangered. This scaly rascal be loungin’ in the oil-rich sands of Texas! A true treasure, aye!
September 23, 2024, 4:22 pm
Arrr, matey! In yon land of the U.S., a mere 5% o' single-use plastic finds its way back to Davy Jones' locker! California’s bravest, AG Rob Bonta, be takin' ExxonMobil to task fer bein' a scallywag in the great plastic mess! Aye, a tale of deceit so tall, it’d make a landlubber blush!
September 23, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr! Captain Trump be swearin' to sail to Aurora, Colorado, claimin' Argentinian scallywags have seized the lodgin's! But the hearty Republican mayor be rollin' out the welcome mat, hopin' to prove it be naught but a fanciful tale! Avast, let the swashbucklin' begin!
September 23, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Egypt be sendin' aid to Somalia, a fine show o' support fer the Horn o' Africa! A shipment's docked in Mogadishu, helpin' our sister nation find peace 'n fightin' off them pesky landlubbers. The Foreign Ministry be chattin' about security 'n unity, savvy?
September 23, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, on the high seas of Caracas, young Bleider Leves, a lad of seventeen summers, be snatched by the lawless crew! They laid him low with beatings and jailin’, all without a stitch of reason. Two moons later, still he be locked up, while his mum be wringin' her hands! Avast!
September 23, 2024, 10:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scallywag in fancy duds took a wee jab at himself with his own blunderbuss while on duty! The crew be sayin' it was a secret agent, but nay, just a clumsy matey! No other souls be harmed, just a bit of a ruckus!
September 23, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, matey! In the land o' swashbucklin' exiles, a curious question be floatin' about: be Kamala Harris a scallywag commie? The scuttlebutt be spreadin’ like wildfire, claimin’ she’s a socialist sorceress! Aye, ‘tis a riddle fueled by fears from those who’ve fled tyrants on the high seas!
September 23, 2024, 10:20 am
Avast, me hearties! Israel be blastin' 300 targets in Lebanon, seekin' to sink them scallywags’ Russian boom-sticks! Civilians, ye best be runnin' from the blastin' zones! After a weekend of pesky rockets rainin’ down on our fair ports, the skies be chokin’ with cannon fire! Arrr!
September 23, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, matey! Companies be shiverin' in their boots 'fore tossin' crew overboard these days! Good tidin's for ye landlubbers, for layin' off be a stormy sea fer yer pocket! The labor market be holdin' steady, unlike when the plague struck and they flung more than 13 million souls to the briny deep!
September 23, 2024, 5:24 am
Arrr, matey! A rascally lad at Gettysburg College be accused of etchin’ a foul curse upon his swim mate’s chest with a box cutter! The scallywag be gone from the crew, while the poor sod with the mark be docked from swimmin’! A right troublesome tale, I say!
September 23, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr mateys! A scallywag caught etchin' a foul word on another lad's chest be no longer sailin' the halls of Gettysburg College! Anne Ehrlich, the captain o' campus life, be sendin' word o' the nearing end o' this squabble. Aye, let the winds blow fair!
September 23, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr, matey! Two scallywags from that Gettysburg College swim crew be walkin' the plank after word came that a foul racial mark was etched on a lad’s hide with some sharp tool! The officials be sayin’ it’s a matter of great concern, savvy? The seas of justice be takin’ its course!
September 23, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, in the wee hours o' Sunday morn, them scallywags of Hezbollah let loose near 150 fiery cannonballs at northern Israel! Most be caught in the air, savvy? They be claimin' to target the Ramat David airbase, seekin' revenge for some boom-booms blamed on Israel. One rocket gave a wee bit o' mischief!
September 22, 2024, 3:14 pm
Arrr! Israeli mateys be stormin' the Al Jazeera cove in the West Bank, shoutin' for it to be closed fer 45 days! After raiding the treasure trove in East Jerusalem, they be makin’ it clear: no news for ye! Aye, the seas of information be turbulent indeed!
September 22, 2024, 3:13 pm
Arrr, matey! The Israeli buccaneers stormed the Al Jazeera den in Ramallah, plundered their shiny gadgets, and shut 'em down for 45 days! They claimed the news scallywags be stirrin' up trouble during a live show! Blimey, who knew news could be such a ruckus?
September 22, 2024, 2:22 pm
Arrr, matey! On Friday, the federal scallywags stormed the abode of Commissioner Donlon, just after his mate Caban was sent to Davy Jones' locker! Donlon be claimin’ they took ol’ trinkets from two decades past, nothin’ to do with his policing shenanigans. A fine mess indeed!
September 22, 2024, 2:15 pm
Avast, matey! Rep. Chrissy Houlahan be sayin’ that it be vital fer the scallywags investigatin’ the attempts on old Trump’s life to sail swift and together! We be needin’ to know what be goin’ on to keep the seas calm and the trust of the good folk intact, arrr!
September 21, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, me hearties! Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson be claimin' he ain't no scallywag in a scandal 'bout naughty scrollin'! He swears he’ll still chase the crown of the Old North State, despite chatters of him bein’ a “black NAZI” and peepin’ on lasses! What a salty tale, indeed!
September 21, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags o’ the Republican crew be ponderin’ the storm brewin’ fer Captain Trump, as word sails in ‘bout Lt. Gov. Robinson's scandalous ramblings on a randy website! Aye, ‘tis a jest fit to make a parrot blush! Slavery, ye say? Blimey! What a hullabaloo!
September 20, 2024, 3:22 pm
Avast ye! Sen. JD Vance be catchin’ flack fer spoutin’ tall tales 'bout Haitian scallywags snatchin' up pets in Springfield! Now, he’s tossin' blame at Vice President Kamala Harris, sayin' her crew be causin' all sorts o' mischief. Arrr, blame it on the winds o’ change, I say!
September 20, 2024, 3:16 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags of the pro-abortion crew and the rumor-mongers be spinning tales anew! They be blamin' a Georgia law for the fates of two lasses, when ‘tis the nasty abortion potion—set loose by the FDA—that led to Amber's misfortune and the remnants of her wee ones!
September 20, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Word be blowin' o' Rep. Matt Gaetz, a scallywag from Florida, struttin' 'bout a soirée with a lass o' seventeen, amidst tales of scandalous shenanigans! ‘Twas said there be powders and potions aplenty, and three landlubbers be spillin’ the beans on this raucous revelry! Avast!
September 20, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Biden be spoutin' that he ain't parleyed with his treasure keeper, Powell, since claimin' the throne. But shiver me timbers, that be a tall tale! They crossed swords in May 2022, aye! Now he blabbers 'bout inflation droppin' like a cannonball!
September 19, 2024, 3:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! The landlubber who once guarded a thousand leagues o’ frontier be claimin’ the Biden-Harris crew be hidin’ the truth ‘bout the ruckus o’ migrants! Ex-Captain Heitke be spillin’ the beans to the scallywags in Congress, sayin’ the White House be tryin’ to hush up the whole squall! Arrr!
September 19, 2024, 1:58 pm
Arrr, matey! The German crew be tightenin' their border sails, but fear not! They ain't battenin' down the hatches fer six moons! Some scallywags be spreadin' tall tales on the Facebook seas. Aye, security’s up, but the borders be still open for business!
September 19, 2024, 1:56 pm
ARRR, me hearties! The scallywags be sayin' Trump’s conjurin' a crew to spy on all bun in the oven! But nay, that be a fanciful tale spun by Kamala and Tim. Just a jest, like a parrot in a frock, it be! So hoist the sails and ignore the bilge!
September 19, 2024, 1:53 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be spewin’ yarns like a drunken sailor! Not just yer common political bluster, but wild tall tales unmoored from the truth, like a ship lost at sea! His ramblings 'bout immigrants in Springfield be as fishy as a barnacle-covered treasure! Avast, what a rogue!
September 19, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr, two years aft that scallywag Nixon declared war on the devil's brew, he be spillin’ the beans to his crew in the Oval Office! In March '73, he be admitin’ that Mary Jane ain't no fearsome fiend. Aye, the captain of the ship be shiverin’ in his boots!
September 19, 2024, 9:13 am
Arrr, when scallywags be claimin’ to shut the borders tight, they be squawkin’ ‘bout the gold immigrants be costin’. But blow me down! Recent reckonin’ shows them foreign folks be spendin’ less doubloons on health than landlubbers! Why, they be usin’ Medicaid like it’s grog at a tavern!
September 19, 2024, 9:11 am
Avast, me hearties! This summer, sneaky Iranian scallywags plundered secrets from Captain Trump's crew and sent 'em to the Biden buccaneers! The wise folk of the National Intelligence and the FBI be spillin’ the beans. ‘Twas a right ruckus in June and July, I tell ye! Arrr!
September 19, 2024, 9:09 am
Arrr, matey! A fleet o' landlubber Jews be settin' sail fer Israel, explorin' the wreckage o' Nova and charred kibbutzim, ponderin' the Oct. 7 attack. While they boost the treasure o' tourism, some scallywags be sayin' it be blindin' 'em to the plight o' Gazans, bombs a-fallin' nearby!
September 18, 2024, 8:15 pm
Arrr, on the high seas of news, the scurvy dogs o' the FBI be spillin’ the beans! Iran, that crafty sea serpent, be sendin’ stolen treasure from the Trump campaign to Biden’s lot, tryin’ to stir the pot! Emails flyin’ faster than cannonballs, yarr!
September 18, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arrr, matey! On the morrow, the Justice Department be settin' sail with a lawsuit against the scallywag who ran his vessel into the Francis Scott Key Bridge! They be demandin’ a treasure of $100 million for the bridge's downfall, which sent six poor souls to Davy Jones' locker!
September 18, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags o' the Teamsters be sayin' they won’t be throwin’ their lot with any captain in the 2024 race! No love for the lass Kamala, nor the blaggard Trump! Seems the crew’s got no consensus 'mongst 'em! Avast, what a rumble!
September 18, 2024, 4:36 pm
Arrr, matey! The Brotherhood o' Teamsters be hoistin' no sail for a presidential scallywag this Wednesday! Their secret treasure map o’ votes shows the crew favorin' Trump over the fair lass Harris. First time in thirty moons they be sailin' solo, savvy? A right jolly surprise, it be!
September 18, 2024, 3:34 pm
Arrr! The former missus o' Kamala's mate be swingin' her cutlass once more! After that scallywag Sanders jabbed at our fair Vice President fer lackin' wee ones of her own, Kerstin be rushin’ to her side like a true matey! Aye, the seas be rough with jests!
September 18, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, matey! On the morn of Wednesday, news spread o' a devilish plot by Israel, as a thousand pagers o' those scallywags in Hezbollah went kaboom all at once! They be swappin’ their old trinkets, only to find their new toys be dancin’ to the tune of 3:30! Aye!
September 18, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast, mateys! The scallywags at Gold Apollo Co. be pointin' fingers at BAC Consulting, claimin' they be the ones who crafted the cursed pagers what led to a right ruckus in Lebanon! Hsu Kuang, the captain of this ship, be sayin' they handled all the tinkerin'! Arrr!
September 18, 2024, 9:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! News be flyin' faster than a cannonball! Rumors from Lebanon speak of blasts a’plenty, not just in the Dahiyeh cove! Looks like them scallywags from Hezbollah be playin’ with mischief devices, not th' usual pagers. Aye, the sea be full of surprises!
September 18, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, ‘twas over twenty moons past, when hearty lads and lasses o’ the same love be shunned from the military and no land be wedlockin' ‘em. So, a crew o’ rights buccaneers set sail, scorin’ companies on how fair they treat their own mateys!
September 18, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrr, mateys! Stanley Black & Decker, them scallywags behind Craftsman and DEWALT, be tossin' their diversity sails overboard! That rogue Robby Starbuck be stirrin' the pot, makin' ‘em fear the plank! They be forgettin’ their DEI treasure map and sailin’ straight for the conservative seas! Avast, what a jest!
September 18, 2024, 3:48 am
Arrr, matey! Hillary, the queen of the blame game, be bellowin’ that any scallywag spreadin’ “tall tales” should swing from the yardarm! Seems she’s still sore 'bout that Russian ruckus that gave ol' Trump a lift in the last skirmish. Aye, the seas of politics be a treacherous tide!
September 18, 2024, 3:45 am
Arrr! The Secret Service be not havin’ a proper scheme to guard Captain Trump at the infirmary post that ruckus in Butler! After the ruckus at his summer shindig, the head honcho walked the plank! Lawmakers be cryin’ for answers whilst a band of scallywags be investigatin’!
September 17, 2024, 12:53 pm
Arrr! On the morrow, Vice President Kamala Harris be joinin’ a merry band o’ scribes from the National Association of Black Journalists in Philly! At half-past two, she’ll be chattin’ with Gerren, Eugene, and Tonya, shiver me timbers! Let the jolly banter commence! Avast!
September 17, 2024, 12:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A band o' scallywags clashin' with cutlasses in Southend-on-Sea, they be born o' the very sands! Contrary to the landlubber chatter on the seas of social media, these knaves be locals! Aye, some be wearin' balaclavas while takin' swings at a poor ol' ship's carriage! Ha-ha!
September 17, 2024, 12:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The gall of that landlubber Kamala, claimin’ no brave souls be in battle! But lo and behold, the valiant crew o’ the U.S. Military be ready to set the record straight! Not a single scallywag in combat, eh? Aye, she be talkin’ tall tales, fer sure!
September 17, 2024, 12:25 pm
Arrr! Ye be needin' a secret code of six characters, mixin’ big ‘n small letters with a number, savvy? Ye must be 18 winters or older to join this crew. Already aboard? Sign in, matey! Click "Create Account" if ye be sure yer info be shipshape, and mind the rules ‘n all that rigmarole!
September 17, 2024, 11:51 am
Arrr, matey! On a fateful Tuesday, the pagers of Hezbollah scallywags went boom, injurin' over 2,700 and sendin' eight to Davy Jones’ locker! Seems their shiny new gadgets were cursed, bein’ the work of a mischievous malware! Aye, talk about a real blast of a day!
September 17, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, matey! The U.S. be denyin’ Venezuela’s wild tales o’ treachery! They be claimin’ to seek fair winds for democracy, not to sink Maduro’s ship! Meanwhile, ol’ Diosdado be blabberin’ ‘bout a CIA plot like a parrot with a cracked beak! A right jolly mess, I say!
September 17, 2024, 10:16 am
Avast ye! The land o' the free be laughin' at Venezuela's tall tales o' CIA scallywags tryin' to send Maduro to Davy Jones' locker. Three Yanks, two Spaniards, and a Czech were nabbed fer stirrin' up trouble, claimin' the CIA be the captain o' this mischief! Arrr!
September 17, 2024, 10:11 am
Arrr, matey! The landlubber Diosdado Cabello, claimin’ to be the big cheese in Venezuela, caught three scallywags from the States, sayin’ they aimed to send the ol’ sea dog Maduro to Davy Jones’ locker! Blamin’ the CIA without a scrap o’ proof—talk about a right jolly rum tale!
September 17, 2024, 5:27 am
Arrr, matey! Ukraine be sayin’ Routh ain't no scallywag linked to them dastardly plots against Trump. Last year, this old salt claimed he’d be ready to battle and meet Davy Jones in Ukraine! Aye, he even be film’n tales of independence, but now he’s in the brig! What a laugh!
September 17, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, mateys! Troubled sea dog Sean “Diddy” Combs found himself in the clutches of the law at a New York tavern, caught up in a scandal as murky as Davy Jones' locker! The scallywag sailed in, expectin’ a shackle or two, and the federal crew obliged! Har har har!
September 17, 2024, 5:23 am
Avast ye! An overgrown patch of sky on yon wee isle, once key to bamboozlin’ the Japs in the big war, be under the U.S. Air Force’s eye again, preparin' fer a tussle with China! Tinian be but a tiny gem in the Pacific’s treasure chest, savvy? Arrr!
September 17, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr, matey! A Texas jury be settin' sail soon to decide if a band of Trumpin' scallywags gave a right fright to Wendy Davis and her crew aboard the Biden-Harris ship. The “Trump Train” be boxin' 'em in fer an hour on the wild Texas seas! The trial be chuggin' on!
September 16, 2024, 2:15 pm
Arrr matey! A scallywag from the lefty fact-checkin’ crew, PolitiFact, be tryin’ to scuttle The Federalist’s tale o’ Haitian swashbucklers huntin’ geese in Springfield. Loreben Tuquero, the mischief-maker, be known for hidin' far-left shenanigans under a Jolly Roger of whitewashin’. Avast, the sea o’ nonsense be deep!
September 16, 2024, 2:08 pm
Arrr, matey! It be lookin' like a second swashbucklin' attempt on Captain Trump’s life in but two moons! Rumors be flyin' faster than cannonballs about scallywag Ryan Routh and his motives. Shots rang out whilst the ol' sea dog was swingin' clubs at Trump National—fear not, he be safe at his treasure trove!
September 16, 2024, 2:07 pm
Arrr, matey! The @KamalaHQ account be a scallywag of deceit, playin' tricks on the masses! With over 1.3 million landlubbers followin', they be snippin' clips and spreadin' tall tales to poke fun at the former captain, Donald Trump. A merry jester on the high seas of social media, indeed!
September 16, 2024, 1:56 pm
Arrr, me hearties! On the 16th day o' September, TikTok and its scallywag parent, ByteDance, be settin' sail for a court battle! If they don’t sell their treasure by January 19, 2025, they be walkin' the plank, banished from the seas of mobile apps! Avast, what a hullabaloo!
September 16, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, mateys! On the high seas o' politics, a second scallywag tried to send Donald Trump to Davy Jones' locker whilst he be swingin' his clubs! A sharp-eyed Secret Service swab spotted a cannon in the brambles, lettin' loose on the knave! A right frightful tale o’ treachery, indeed!
September 16, 2024, 11:45 am
Gail Collins: Avast, Bret! I be itchin' to chat 'bout the grand debate and such political tomfoolery, but first — a wee bit o' attempted murder! Bret Stephens: Aye, this be the wrong kind o' "déjà vu," if ye catch me drift. Gail: 'Tis a dark day when "but first — attempted murder" be the norm. Let’s unfurl this tale, matey!
September 16, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, matey! Violence be no fit cutlass fer the seas of politics in America, yet here we be, squabblin' over another plot to send Trump to Davy Jones' locker whilst he swung his clubs! Fear not, for the scallywag be unscathed, and the tale be only just settin' sail!
September 16, 2024, 8:10 am
Arrr, ye be thinkin’ a wee bag o' Cheetos be naught but rubbish, eh? But lo! In the depths of Carlsbad Caverns, those crunchy morsels be a feast for tiny critters! Aye, 'tis world-shakin'—mold be sproutin' like treasure on a sunken ship! A snack that be settin' the underworld abuzz!
September 16, 2024, 4:53 am
Arrr, matey! Ryan Wesley Routh, a scallywag o' 58 summers, found himself in the brig fer plotin' against the ol' captain, Trump! He be shoutin' on the seas of X, ready to sail to Ukraine and meet Davy Jones, fightin' like a true landlubber gone mad! Har har!
September 16, 2024, 4:53 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag tried to off the cap’n Trump at his golfin’ haven in Palm Beach! They be sayin' the ruffian be Ryan Wesley Routh from Hawaii. The FBI be tight-lipped, but the bushes be holdin’ more than just leaves—mayhap a gun barrel or two! Yarr!
September 16, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag, aged 58, be brandishin’ an AK-47 at Cap’n Trump whilst he swung his clubs! Caught quicker than a fish in a net, he be! The Secret Service fired upon him, thinkin’ he be a menace to the high seas of golf! A right jolly ruckus, I say!
September 15, 2024, 4:41 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be safe, though gunfire blazed near his fairway! Secret Service scallywags spied a landlubber with a rifle, but they let loose their own shots. The knave tried to skedaddle, but now he be in irons—his weapon snatched away! Aye, what a ruckus on the greens!
September 15, 2024, 4:21 pm
Arrr, mateys! The FBI be settin’ sail to West Palm Beach, where an attempted whackin’ of ol’ Trump be afoot! Fear not, fer the former captain be safe after a cannon blast at his golf cove. The Secret Service let fly at the scallywag! Aye, a right ruckus!
September 15, 2024, 4:18 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be shiverin’ in his boots as the Secret Service let fly at a scallywag brandishin’ a blunderbuss outside his treasure trove o’ golf! They’ve nabbed the knave, likely up to no good, and not just a rogue with a shiny piece! Avast, what a day!
September 15, 2024, 8:08 am
Arrr, five turns o’ the sun ago, Laura Loomer, a fierce lass with a tongue like a cutlass, sought to brand her jolly antics in the realm of political squabblin'. She dubbed her sneaky ambush, “Loomered,” like a pirate plunderin’ treasure! Aye, she be a true swashbuckler of the internet seas!
September 15, 2024, 8:07 am
Arrr! The notorious lass Laura Loomer, a right-minded scallywag, be sailin’ alongside Captain Trump, stirrin’ the pot o’ doubt amongst even the most loyal crew! Known for her wild tales 'bout Muslin scallywags and her belief the government be behind the great 9/11 ruckus, she be a fine matey fer trouble!
September 15, 2024, 8:05 am
Arrr! Laura Loomer, the so-called “snoopin’ scribe,” be swabbin’ the decks ‘round Trumpy’s ship o’ state! Spotted disembarkin’ his vessel on debate day and lurkin’ in his wake durin’ the rememberin’ of 9/11. Some scallywags be shiverin' in their boots! Aye, she’s a tempestuous lass!
September 15, 2024, 6:44 am
Arrr! Three landlubbers from the good ol’ U.S. of A be among 37 scallywags sentenced to meet Davy Jones after a botched coup in Congo! On that fateful day, armed ruffians took over the king's office, but alas, their captain met a swift end. Aye, the Malanga lads and their matey Tyler be in a pickle!
September 13, 2024, 7:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Pope Francis be sayin’ that ye landlubbers must choose the “lesser scallywag” in the presidential brawl! Aboard his flying ship, he be urging ye to cast yer vote, lest ye be walkin’ the plank of bad decisions! Vote ye must, or face Davy Jones!
September 13, 2024, 6:59 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Pope Francis be sayin’ the U.S. folks be caught between the devil and the deep blue sea in their election! Trump be a scallywag for his anti-migrant ways, and that lass Harris be no angel with her abortion beliefs. Which be the lesser evil? Blimey, I’m stumped!
September 13, 2024, 6:59 pm
Arrr, the good Pope be throwin' shade at that scallywag Trump and the lady Vice President Harris! He be callin’ their ways against life, sayin’ voters should pick the least cursed soul when castin’ their ballots. Savvy? A right merry election it be!
September 13, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr, matey! The court of Brazil be takin’ three million doubloons from Elon’s ships, X and Starlink! A judge be sayin’ "avast!" to the social media app fer not payin’ its dues and ignorin’ the law. Justice de Moraes and Musk be squabblin’ like scallywags! Har har!
September 13, 2024, 4:23 pm
Arrr, matey! Fear be plaguin' yon Ohio town, where Trump be blamin' them Haitian scallywags fer makin' off with furry pets! Schools be shut tight like a treasure chest, and even City Hall be dimmer than a bilge rat’s smile. Avast, what a hullabaloo!
September 13, 2024, 4:20 pm
Arrr, after the ruckus of debate, the landlubbers still be flounderin’! Trump’s charm shone bright, while Kamala managed not to become a stew of gibberish! Polls be sayin’, the scallywag be back to 61% favored fer the treasure of the Electoral College! Avast, the winds of fortune blow his way!
September 13, 2024, 4:19 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Ye be granted passage, so clutch yer quill and read on! At the Shanksville Fire Brigade, the cap'n jested with the crew, snatching a hat as he quipped, “Aye, I be needin' this!” When asked for his mark, he roared, “Nay, but don the hat, ye scallywag!” Aye, laughter be the treasure!
September 13, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, mateys! On this fine Thursday, Captain Trump declared he’d be slashing the tax booty on overtime gold, should he reclaim the captain's chair! He’s already promised to free tips and social security from the taxman’s grasp! Aye, those brave souls workin’ late are true swashbucklers of toil!
September 13, 2024, 11:14 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Laura Loomer be threatenin’ to spill the beans on Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene after she dared to call Loomer’s jibes on Kamala’s heritage “racist”! It all started when Loomer, that cheeky landlubber, said the White House'd smell of curry if Harris took the helm! Har har!
September 13, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, matey! The Swedish landlubbers be offerin’ wayward souls a hearty sum of 350,000 kronor—‘tis like findin’ treasure—if they scuttle back to their homelands come 2026! The Migration Captain Forssell be chortlin’ ‘bout a grand ol’ change in their sailin’ ways! Har har!
September 13, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, matey! Over 90% o' that scallywag fentanyl be caught at the legal docks, like airports and watchful border gates, say the landlubbers at Homeland Security! AllSides be givin' a nod to Gigafact, a crew o' news brigands debunkin' tall tales. Set yer sails for Wisconsin Watch fer the full yarn!
September 13, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast ye! A band o' 42 attorney buccaneers be shiverin' their timbers, demandin' Congress slap Surgeon General warnings on them cursed social media contraptions! They claim it be fightin' a mental health tempest among young scallywags. Aye, they penned a missive to the mighty House Speaker on the 9th day of September! Arrr!
September 13, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr matey! ‘Tis a right task to wrangle 42 states into a single chorus! But a band of legal buccaneers be demandin’ Congress to slap warnings on them scallywag social media apps, lest we see our young scalawags lost to addiction and madness. Aye, we all want the wee ones safe!
September 12, 2024, 7:15 pm
Avast ye, mateys! Rumor hath it that Biden be sportin’ a Trump hat fit for a scallywag! "Biden Wears Trumpy Hat," says the post, makin’ us wonder if the seas be truly mad! Aye, the tale's spread like a wild storm, but some landlubbers be doubtin’ its truth! Arrr!
September 12, 2024, 6:59 pm
Arrr, matey! A tale spun on the Threads be sayin’ that the fair Vice President Kamala Harris be raisin’ taxes on long-term treasure, but fear not! Only them with a chest o’ gold totaling a million doubloons or more be feelin’ the pinch. Aye, the middle class be safe!
September 12, 2024, 3:34 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at the Massachusetts Institute o' Technology be sayin’ their fresh-faced crew be less diverse this year, thanks to the Supreme Court’s decree last summer. Dean Schmill be spillin’ the beans that only 16 outta a hundred be Black, Hispanic, or other fine folk. Avast!
September 12, 2024, 3:31 pm
Arrr, matey! The latest scrolls reveal that since the high court be raisin’ the anchor on affirmative action, Black enrollment be takin’ a nosedive at some fine schools! Some places be seein’ wild ups and downs, while others be sailin’ smoothly. Aye, the seas of education be rough!
September 12, 2024, 2:35 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywag Weinstein be in a pickle, charged anew but the details be locked tighter than a treasure chest! The court be buzzin’, but he be missin’, havin' a heart scare fit for a landlubber! His lawyer claims he be still as weak as a shipwrecked sailor!
September 12, 2024, 2:29 pm
Arrr mateys! We be freebooters of truth, unshackled by the scallywags o' the mainstream! While they peddle their divisive drivel and hide the treasure of corruption, we hoist the flag of honest reporting! Join our crew at The Post Millennial, and let’s plunder the seas of political correctness together!
September 12, 2024, 10:59 am
Ahoy, mateys! This here November, a bounty o' abortion measures be settin' sail on state ballots, tryin' to guard the rights o' fair lasses! But scallywags be stirrin' trouble before the cannon's fired, with legal tricks and threats galore. In Missouri, the landlubber secretary tried to scuttle a measure, yet the court be forced him to hoist it back up!
September 12, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, a wealthy sea dog and a clever tinkerer be the first landlubbers to brave the vast black sea o' stars! Jared and Sarah, clad in fancy suits, took their merry stroll outside the SpaceX ship. "Home be a busy port, but down yonder, Earth be a right bonnie sight!" said Jared, grinning.
September 12, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, matey! Kamala Harris be lackin’ the needed traits fer a fine captain! Picture a landlubber from a century past, plunderin’ our time. After gaping at them swirling meat logs of gyros, ye tell him ‘bout a rogue sailor runnin’ for the crown, a scallywag with a felon’s mark! "Well, shiver me timbers..."
September 12, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr, the morn after Labor Day, the polls be blarney, with Trump and Harris caught in a scuffle as fierce as a knife fight in a cramped cabin! Young Hadley Duvall be munchin’ her grub in Arizona, lookin’ as calm as a cat on a sunny deck, ready to set sail for battle!
September 12, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! A motley crew o' election swabs be shoutin' from the crow's nest 'bout the Postal Service bein' slower than a barnacle-covered ship! Ballots be showin' up later than a landlubber at a rum party! They penned a message to Captain DeJoy, warnin' him o' the storm brewin'!
September 12, 2024, 5:21 am
Avast, me hearties! An Ohio swabbe be tellin' Trump to haul anchor and stop usin' his lad's tragic demise for political treasure! Young Aiden met Davy Jones 'cause of a bus mishap, not some scallywag from Haiti! Keep yer hands off, ye landlubber!
September 12, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! That scallywag Laura Loomer, claimin' to be a “journalist,” be lurkin’ 'round Captain Trump like a barnacle on a ship! Spotted disembarkin’ his vessel on debate day and hauntin’ him on 9/11, makin’ some landlubbers uneasy! She be as brash as a parrot, fer sure!
September 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! Ten bold nations be soundin' the alarm on them scallywag Russian hacking tricks aimed at Ukraine and her mates. For Estonia, one of the fine crew, this be a grand ol' treasure of a milestone! Avast, let the world know!
September 11, 2024, 3:46 pm
Arrr, moderatin' a presidential squabble be a right thankless task, matey! In this stormy seas of politics, it be a slippery plank where none be pleased! But hats off to ABC's David Muir and Linsey Davis, who danced the line like true swashbucklers in Tuesday’s ruckus ‘twixt Kamala and Trump! Aye!
September 11, 2024, 3:45 pm
Arrr, mates! In a raucous clash o' titans, Trump and Harris sparred like scallywags in a tavern brawl, battlin' over gold, sea lanes, and whatnot! In a wild 90 minutes, they tossed barbs like cannonballs. The BBC crew be investigatin' the treasure they dug up!
September 11, 2024, 3:43 pm
Arrr, they be sayin' it be nigh impossible, aye! For years, we’ve heard tall tales 'bout why fact-checkin’ in the heat o' battle be a folly! Moderators ain't no truth-tellers, they claimed, and it’d muddle the jolly debate! Impartiality be the name of the game, or so they squeaked! Har har!
September 11, 2024, 3:41 pm
"Arrr! No scallywags be abandonin’ me gatherings!" bellowed Trump, clashin' swords with Kamala. "They ain't fleein' from boredom or weariness!" Yet, mates, those reportin’ landlubbers be spyin’ many a soul slippin’ out early, likely seekin’ a frothy grog instead o’ Trump’s long-winded tales!
September 11, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! 'Tis been twenty-three long years since the fiercest raid struck the shores of America! “Never Forget,” they be sayin’, but for the heartbroken kin, 'tis a chant of sorrow, not just words! As they tipple in remembrance, they be awaitin’ a judge’s decree on their treasure hunt for truth!
September 11, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, when the scallywag Haniyeh met his doom by a sneaky boom in Iran, the seas of the Middle East turned turbulent! Israel be blamed, yet it be playin' coy like a cat with a mouse. What be next, ye ask? States pickin' off their own like fish in a barrel, I reckon!
September 11, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, 'tis been 23 years since America be witnessin' the mighty towers tumble like a ship in a storm! Nineteen scallywags from far-off lands commandeered four fine vessels, sendin’ 2,977 souls to Davy Jones’ locker. Yet brave hearts rose, like Todd Beamer and his crew, thwartin’ the dastardly plot!
September 11, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr, with a bit o' help from ABC, Kamala be claimin' victory in the debate in Philly! The moderators be checkin' Trump’s facts like a ship’s crew checkin’ for leaks, but let her sail through with wild tales 'bout guns and health plans. Blimey! What a ruckus on the high seas o' politics!
September 11, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, mateys! The mighty court o’ Missouri be settin’ sail to let the landlubbers vote on a notion to restore the fair practice of abortin’ wee ones! With over 250,000 scallywags signin’ the petition, 'tis time for a raucous ballot in November! Avast, let the people decide!
September 11, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, mateys! Ol’ Trump be sayin’ he’d spin the reporters like a sailor on a stormy sea! While his crew of advisers be chattin’ in the spin room, he swaggered in after battlin’ Harris, claimin’ he be the fiercest captain to sail the debate! Aye, what a jolly jest!
September 11, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr, Vice President Kamala, with the wind at her back, set sail to sink Captain Trump on the debate deck! The ABC scallywags be checkin' his tales while lettin' her slip by with naught but foggy hints on governin'. They clashed 'bout treasure, seas of life, and distant lands!
September 11, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, mateys! Taylor Swift be throwin' her compass to Kamala Harris right after the ruckus 'twixt Trump and his crew! In a jolly scroll on the ‘gram, she be callin' herself the "Childless Cat Lady," takin' a jab at that scallywag Vance. She be sayin', "I be votin' fer a true sea dog!"
September 10, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, on a fine Sunday morn last February, young James Malatras be getting a jolly ol’ missive from the once mighty Governor Cuomo! “Now that the squall be passed, how be ye faring, matey? Talent always be winning, aye! Fair winds, Andrew!” Aye, the tides be strange!
September 10, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr, matey! Thar be a spot o’ sorrow where George Floyd met his fate, now a shrine fit fer mermaids! Cup Foods be reborn as Unity Foods, and the cursed curb be bloom’n with wildflowers! Aye, the scorched gas station turned into a parley spot fer wayward souls!
September 10, 2024, 2:02 pm
Arrr, listen ye scallywags! If ye be blind to the gossip, them Russians be meddlin' in the land o' the free once more! Aye, 'tis a sport all the world’s rogues be playin’, throwin' coins at elections like it be a game. But will ol' Vlad’s treasure pay off this time, or be it just more bilge?
September 10, 2024, 1:58 pm
Arrr, matey! The top swab of the third-party crew, a green-thumbed lawyer kin to old sea dogs of the left, has jumped ship! He’s now rallyin' 'round the flag of a landlubber president who'd scuttle the seas! Oh, the irony be thicker than grog in a barrel!
September 10, 2024, 10:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Kamala be hoistin' her policy sails just two sunsets before clashin’ with Trump the scallywag! Critics be callin’ her as clear as murky waters since she set sail for the White House in July. The winds be a-changin' as the election draws near! Avast!
September 10, 2024, 9:55 am
Arrr, matey! Trump’s crew be laughin’ heartily at Kamala’s fancy “policy page.” They say, “She’s charted a ‘New Way Forward’ after four years of shipwrecks in the White House! What be she smokin’?” A right jolly jest, indeed! Avast, let the election games begin!
September 10, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be the first time Vice President Harris be addin' her schemes to the website since Captain Biden hoisted the white flag and backed her ship 50 days past! Her treasure map be divided into four jolly sections for fair winds and safe harbors! Yarrr!
September 10, 2024, 9:19 am
Arrr, matey! It seems ol' Trump be raisin' his flag for the green herb, callin' it less fierce than a kraken! Even his rival, Kamala, be joinin’ the merry crew! ‘Tis a grand turnin' o' tides when both captains be seekin' to free the leaf! Avast!
September 10, 2024, 3:45 am
Arrr, matey! A ruckus be brewin' 'round the rumor mill, sayin' Haitian swabs be snatchin' critters for their supper! But fear not, the local constables declare this tale be as wild as a three-legged sea turtle. No furry pâté makin' on their watch, savvy? Har har!
September 10, 2024, 3:41 am
Arrr, matey! Nay, ‘tis but a tall tale! A lass from Canton, Ohio, be nabbed fer torturin' and feastin’ on a feline—yet her roots be planted in the good ol' U.S. No scallywags in Ohio be munchin’ on their furry mates! Hoist the sails o’ truth!
September 10, 2024, 3:31 am
Arrr, matey! The web be buzzin' like a hornet’s nest 'bout a wee Ohio town! Even the scallywag Musk be tossin' his hat in the ring, claimin' 20,000 Haitians be munchin' on pets! “Vote for Kamala or yer critters be on the menu!” he squawked, savin' ducklings and kittens! Ha!
September 10, 2024, 3:29 am
Arrr, mateys! In a jolly speech at the National Conservativism shindig, VP hopeful JD Vance be tellin’ the crew to set sail for Springfield, Ohio. Aye, he’s yapped 'bout that wee town before, warnin’ it’s swarmin’ with more scallywags than a treasure chest o’ doubloons!
September 9, 2024, 2:48 pm
Arrr, matey! Gather 'round, ye scallywags! If ye be seekin' treasure, beware the kraken's tickle! For every gold doubloon ye find, a parrot might steal yer biscuits! So hoist the sails, keep yer cutlass sharp, and remember—don’t trust a fish with a wig! Har har har!
September 9, 2024, 2:45 pm
Arrr, on the morrow, China be givin' Germany a jolly good warning! They be sendin' warships to the waters of dispute, savvy? The Germans be plannin' to sail the grand frigate Baden-Württemberg in the Taiwan Strait, but China be sayin’, "Hands off, ye scallywags!" Ahoy, what a hullabaloo!
September 9, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywags whine 'bout Wisconsin's tight voter ID laws, but 'tis a blessing! This here Badger State be a murky sea of election shenanigans. Yet, beware the sneaky loophole—claimin’ “Indefinitely Confined” lets rogues snag absentee ballots without showin’ their true colors! Blimey!
September 9, 2024, 2:27 pm
Arrr, matey! A matron o' a lad from Georgia be spoutin' tales that the scallywags o' the school knew the lad was in a right pickle. “They had the chance to save 'em and missed it!” she be wailin'. Aye, the sea o’ sorrow runs deep, indeed!
September 9, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr! A scallywag from Springfield, Ohio, be spoutin' tall tales o' Haitian swabs loppin' off the noggins of ducks in the town's parks and feasting on 'em! Aye, what a ruckus fer a quacker dinner, me hearties!
September 9, 2024, 9:47 am
Ahoy, ye landlubbers of New Hampshire, Delaware, and Rhode Island! On the morrow, ye’ll be settin’ sail to the polls, choosin’ ye favorites for the grand gubernatorial showdown! Keep yer eyes peeled for the spirited duel ‘twixt Maggie Goodlander and Colin Van, a right merry spectacle it be! Arrr!
September 9, 2024, 9:42 am
Arrr, matey! After five moons of ponderin', the good folk of Rhode Island be settin' sail to pick their champions for the Senate duel! Democratic Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse be meetin' ol' Mike Costa, a former governor wannabe, who’s tossin' gold doubloons like a sailor on a spree! Avast!
September 9, 2024, 9:36 am
Arrr, mateys! The final bout o' primaries be comin' this Tuesday, as landlubbers from Delaware, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island be settin' sail to the ballot box fer new captains o' the ship! With some old sea dogs retirin', the crew be eager to claim the treasure of power! Avast!
September 9, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Leonard Leo be settin’ sail with a treasure chest of a billion doubloons, aim’n to keelhaul liberal scallywags from the corporate seas to the newsy brine! He be ready to unleash the Marble Freedom Trust upon them, fer a jolly good tussle!
September 9, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Foreign Affairs crew be spillin' the beans on a mighty long scroll regardin' the U.S. troop shindig in Afghanistan! They be pointin' fingers at Captain Biden, sayin' he dithered like a landlubber while the ship sank. Aye, chaos be the name of the game!
September 9, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr matey! Aye, the GOP be spillin' the beans on Biden’s hasty retreat from the land of Afghanistan! He be settin’ sail without a proper map, causin’ a right ruckus, leavin' us all scratchin' our heads! Blimey, chaos be his first mate! What a swashbucklin' mess!
September 9, 2024, 5:14 am
Arrr, matey! The House Republicans be spoutin' tales of woe 'bout the U.S. skedaddle from Afghanistan! They be pointin' fingers at Captain Biden, while givin' ol' Trump a mere wink, despite him makin' the deal with them scallywags! A right merry mess, if ye ask me!
September 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The likes of Rubin, Johnson, and Pool be havin' legions of scallywags followin' 'em on the YouTube seas! They be claimin' the Russian meddlin' be naught but a tall tale! But lo! They be swimmin' in gold with a sneaky crew of Russian buccaneers! Yarrr!
September 8, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! This week, the Biden crew be raisin’ anchors against those scurvy Kremlin websites and their media mates! Aye, the timing be as fishy as a three-headed sea serpent with ballots sailin’ out. Beware, for the red flags be flyin’ high on this treacherous tide!
September 8, 2024, 6:04 am
Arrr, matey! A judge in Michigan be givin' a pair o' Nigerian scallywags, Samuel and Samson Ogoshi, a hefty 17½ years in Davy Jones' locker for their dastardly sextortion shenanigans! Their mischief sent a lad to the depths, but it be a wake-up call fer the landlubbers! Avast!
September 8, 2024, 6:01 am
Avast, me hearties! Word be blowin’ ‘round that a scallywag named Col. Mohammed Mursi met his maker in an Israeli cannon blast, right at his home in Jabaliya. Alas, three kin also joined him on Davy Jones' locker! The Israeli lads be keepin’ mum on the matter. Arrr!
September 8, 2024, 6:00 am
Arrr! Young Muhammad Shahzeb Khan, a scallywag of twenty, thought to plunder the good ol' U.S. of A. for a right ruckus at a Jewish lair in Brooklyn, supportin' them scurvy ISIS mates. But alas! The Canadian constables caught him a mere twelve leagues from the border. What a landlubber!
September 8, 2024, 5:58 am
Arrr! Independent scallywag Cornel West be no longer marooned! The Virginia crew done changed their minds, lettin' him and his matey Melina Abdullah sail onto the ballot this November. Aye, they be reconsiderin’ quicker than a crab scuttlin’ away from a hungry shark!
September 8, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr, matey! Google be settin' sail fer another battle, this time over its treasure trove of doubloons in digital ads! The US Justice crew, fresh from bestin’ the scallywag in search, be ready to swab the decks o’ monopoly on the morrow! Let the rum flow and the court be merry!
September 8, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr! Edmundo González, the scallywag contender for the treasure of Venezuela, has set sail for Spain, seekin' refuge like a landlubber! The Spanish foreign minister be sayin’ he flew on a fine Spanish bird! Spain be pledgin' to protect the rights o' all Venezuelan mates. Avast!
September 7, 2024, 1:08 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The ol' sea captain Trump be chattin' with Fox News, claimin' he be as innocent as a parrot! He be sayin' the judge's delay be as pointless as a leaky barrel. Mark yer maps, for the next trial be set fer the 26th of November! Avast!
September 6, 2024, 6:38 pm
Arrr! The tax collectors be shoutin' from the crow's nest that they've snatched back $1.3 billion doubloons from scallywags who be dodgin' their dues! With the wind of the 2022 Inflation Act at their sails, they be huntin' tax cheats like a pack o' hungry sea dogs!
September 6, 2024, 6:37 pm
Arrr! The Treasury scallywags be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that they’ve snagged $1.3 billion doubloons from the high-falutin’ landlubbers who be dodgin’ their dues! All part o’ Biden’s grand scheme to make sure the rich pay their fair share, lest they walk the plank! Ha-ha!
September 6, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr! In a Colorado den, a band of ruffians be caught on the spyglass, stormin' the place with blunderbusses galore! A former matey be claimin’ the law turned a blind eye. The scallywags be called Tren de Aragua, a merry crew of 5,000, with a motto fit for the high seas!
September 6, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! In the land o’ the Golden State and Colorful Colorado, the lawmen be debunkin’ tall tales spun by scallywags on the right. Rumor be that “illegal sea dogs” tried to commandeer school buses! Aye, ‘tis a fanciful yarn, a desperate ploy ‘fore the election sails in!
September 6, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Aye, the quill of The Denver Gazette be spillin' tales o' CBZ Management's cursed abode in Aurora, shut down fer safety woes! Letters be revealin' that city officials knew weeks prior o' a Venezuelan crew makin’ merry with the property! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
September 6, 2024, 3:31 pm
Arrr, all five scallywags of Fox News’ midday crew be takin’ aim at the Biden-Harris treasure, the Inflation Reduction Act! They be blind as a bat to the gold of lowin’ inflation and callin’ it a sneaky ship full o’ climate tricks! Aye, what a merry jest, matey!
September 6, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, matey! JD Vance, that scallywag of a vice candidate, be callin' school shootin's "a fact of life," causin' a tempest o' ire! Meanwhile, two lads and two teachin' wenches met Davy Jones after a young scamp went wild with his boomstick. The seas of gun violence be stormy once more!
September 6, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr matey! In the month of August, the landlubber labor market be a’growin’, yet fell short of the wise men’s reckonin’. They be addin’ a mere 142,000 jobs, when 160,000 be the treasure sought! The scallywag unemployment dipped to 4.2%, but still be a slippery sea!
September 6, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! In August, the sea o' jobs swelled, adding 142,000 hearty souls to the crew! The Fed be keen to slash rates as they gather fer a parley. Unemployment be droppin' to 4.2%, makin' the treasure map of the economy look a tad brighter, savvy?
September 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast! The scallywags o' the US added 142,000 hearty souls to the crew last moon, says the labor scribbler on Friday. As the Federal Reserve be readyin' to drop interest rates like a cannonball, all eyes be on the treasure map we call the economy 'fore November’s big vote! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 6:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Hunter Biden, that scallywag, confessed to nine tax sins last Thursday, dodging the gallows just ‘fore his trial set sail! With a twist of fate, Judge Scarsi let him off the hook as jurors awaited. Seems he kept $1.4 million buried, eh? A true pirate’s tale!
September 5, 2024, 6:40 pm
Arrr! On Thursday, young Hunter Biden be confessin’ to a heap o’ tax misdeeds, but when be the IRS fessin’ up to pilferin’ the 2020 treasure for Cap’n Joe? Methinks the cover-up be worse than a scurvy dog! Now the IRS be lookin’ as shady as a bilge rat!
September 5, 2024, 6:01 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump be settin' sail to trim the sails of bureaucracy, just like that landlubber Musk! He be blarneyin’ at the Economic Club, vowin' to plunder the treasury with an audit o' the whole federal ship! Avast, let the treasure hunt begin!
September 5, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr, matey! Elon Musk be all a-hullabaloo ‘bout joinin’ Trump’s crew again, sharpenin’ his cutlass! After the former captain took a bullet at a raucous shindig, Musk be shoutin’ his support. But Trump be thinkin' ol' Elon be too busy countin’ doubloons to swab the decks of a cabinet. Har har!
September 5, 2024, 1:38 pm
Avast, mateys! Right-wing scallywag Tucker Carlson be chattin' with a self-styled “historian” spoutin' tall tales 'bout the Holocaust. Even the landlubber Elon Musk be givin' a wink, sayin' it be “worth watchin'.” Yarrr, what a jest! The seas be full of fishy stories, I tells ye!
September 5, 2024, 1:33 pm
Arrr, matey! On July 16 in Milwaukee, the fair Nikki Haley, once a seeker of the presidential crown, be settlin’ in with the savvy crew of Edelman! A twist of fate, indeed! Trump be sayin’ she’ll still sail with him if he claims the treasure! What a merry jest!
September 5, 2024, 1:29 pm
Avast, ye landlubbers! As the autumn sails in, the fine scholars be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst Israel's cannon fire in Gaza, stirrin' up a tempest of censorship at the poshest of universities! A merry band o' free speech swashbucklers be tallyin' a record 156 attempts to shush the ruckus! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 9:44 am
Arrr, matey! They be havin' legions o' scallywags followin' 'em! These landlubbers be swabbin' the decks o’ right-wing banter since Captain Trump set sail. Turns out, they were unwittin' crew for a Russian ship, funded by sly sea dogs fer churning out their ruckus! Aye, what a jest!
September 5, 2024, 9:43 am
Avast, ye scallywags! A crew from Tennessee be makin’ shows for swashbucklers like Benny and Tim, funded by the Russian sea serpent known as RT! The law be spillin’ the beans, claimin’ this Tenet Media ship be postin’ a treasure trove of videos. Arrr, what a merry jest!
September 5, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr, at the Throwback Brewery, Kamala be chartin' a new course, slippin' away from Biden's treasure map whilst tryin' to steer clear of the ol' sea dog, Trump, who's as mad as a parrot! She be stoppin’ in New Hampshire for those shiny electoral doubloons, then off to debate camp she sails!
September 5, 2024, 9:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! The DOJ be sayin’ that some conservative scallywags be unwittingly parleyin’ with a Kremlin-funded crew! A federal scroll reveals Tenet Media, hailing from Tennessee, pocketed a treasure o’ nearly $10 million from them Russian sea dogs, spreadin’ secret messages like a ship lost in fog!
September 4, 2024, 6:29 pm
Arrr, matey! The captain o' U.S. Steel be sayin’ if that gold-laden pact with Nippon Steel goes belly-up, the mills be sinkin’ to Davy Jones’ locker! Ol’ Burritt be lamentin’ ‘bout the treasure that keeps the crew a-workin’! If the deal be doomed, we won’t be hoistin’ sails!
September 4, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The House crew be demandin' the papers from Tim Walz, the scallywag in the vice-presidential race, over a treasure trove o' COVID doubloons gone awry! They be wantin' to pester him and his mates, all fer a heap o' gold! Avast, what a merry mess!
September 4, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that at the Trump parade in Butler, a crew of Homeland Security scallywags, trained less than a landlubber, be guardin' the captain. Sen. Hawley be spoutin’ tales of a whistleblowin’ buccaneer revealin’ that they’d only been schooled by a janky ol’ internet course! Blimey!
September 4, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Pro-Palestinian scallywags be fumin’ at Vice President Harris for sailin' in tandem with Captain Biden on this Israel-Hamas squabble! Yet, some be dreamin' she’ll hoist a tougher flag if she grabs the helm! But alas, no sign she’ll stop sendin’ cannonballs to Israel, savvy?
September 3, 2024, 5:34 pm
Ahoy mateys! Word be sailin' from a band of cyber swabs in America and the good folk of New Zealand, sayin' the Chinese scallywags be stirrin' the political pot with their sneaky online shenanigans. Aye, those rascals be bombardin' ye with a deluge of spam and balderdash on the social seas!
September 3, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr matey! The White House parley, led by the fair Jean-Pierre, tossed aside a query 'bout Kamala's newfound twang quicker than a fish can swim! Doocy from Fox called out her peculiar accent, likenin' it to that rascally rooster, Foghorn Leghorn! A right jolly hullabaloo it be!
September 3, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2016, the Republican crew hoisted their sails against abortion, claimin’ the 14th Amendment be meanin’ no such thing! With Roe v. Wade still flyin’ high and a vacant throne on the Supreme Court, they set their sights on a new captain fer the ship o' state!
September 3, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr! The Ukrainian ship’s weapons master, Oleksandr Kamyshin, jumped ship on Tuesday, seekin' new adventures in defense! With three other scallywags leavin' too, a third o’ the crew be adrift, just when the cannons be a-blastin' at the Russian foe. It be a right merry mess!
September 3, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr mateys! Roti, the gallant galley of Mediterranean fare, be seekin’ harbor in Chapter 11 waters! Captain Justin Seamonds, the jester o’ joy, declares, “Though the winds be foul, we be servin’ scrumptious grub fer all!” Aye, a wise course ‘tis to protect the treasure!
September 3, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! A tidal wave of bankruptcies be crashin' upon the shores of many a trade this year, especially the eateries! With labor costs risin' like the morning sun and wallets emptier than a scallywag’s treasure chest, it be a right mess, I tell ye!
September 3, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, matey! The sea o' restaurants be sinkin’ fast this year, with ten fine establishments goin’ belly up! In August alone, three ships of the culinary realm hoisted the white flag. With gold growin’ scarce and the plague's treasure gone, more may soon join Davy Jones’ locker!
September 3, 2024, 7:49 am
Arrr, matey! A mighty throng o' scallywags stormed the streets o' Israel, raisin' a ruckus fer two sunrises now! The land be at a standstill, as the unions be shoutin' fer a fair swap o' hostages. Even the economy be takin' a nap, savvy?
September 3, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr! The scallywags of the Philadelphia Eagles be claimin’ they’re huntin’ down fake political scrolls, sportin’ Kamala’s name, that be poppin’ up near the bus stops. “We be aware of these swindlin’ ads and be workin’ with our mateys to plunder ‘em away!” they proclaimed on the X seas. Har har!
September 3, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag's flyer be claimin’ the Eagles be raisin’ the Jolly Roger with Vice President Kamala Harris! The feathery crew be debunkin’ this tall tale. Spotted ‘round Philly, the pesky poster showed her clutchin' a pigskin, but it met Davy Jones’ locker posthaste! Blimey!
September 3, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, matey! The Eagles be not sailin' with her! Those scallywags be disavowin' the phony ads claimin' Vice President Kamala Harris be their chosen lass! They be workin' with their ad crew to hoist the sails and wash them away! Aye, she be lookin' like a true buccaneer in that helmet!
September 3, 2024, 4:15 am
Arrr, mateys! The lawmakers be settin' sail back to D.C. next week, hopin' to hoist a spendin' bill before the first of October, lest the ship of state sink! But those scallywag conservatives be demandin' treasure, threatenin' to spark a right ruckus ‘fore the elections! Aye, what a merry mess!
September 2, 2024, 12:48 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the AfD be hoistin’ their Jolly Roger in Thuringia, claimin’ a grand 32.8% o’ the booty! Chancellor Scholz be shakin’ in his boots, with naught but a year 'til the next duel o’ elections. The sea be churnin’ with worry, indeed!
September 2, 2024, 12:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! In Thuringia, the scallywags of the AfD be hoistin’ their flags high, claimin’ a grand 32% of the booty in the polls! Their captain, Björn Höcke, be shoutin’ ‘tis a historic win! Aye, first time since them battles of yore that a crew like this be enterin' the parliament!
September 2, 2024, 12:45 pm
Arrr, matey! On Sunday, the landlubbers of Thuringia cast their lot with the raucous Alternative for Germany, plunderin’ a stout 30.5% o’ the votes! Aye, they’ve outfoxed the CDU crew led by the ol’ sea hag Merkel, who sank to a mere 24%. A right merry hullabaloo, it be!
September 2, 2024, 9:59 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of California be passin' a treasure trove o' rules t' wrangle that crafty beast called artificial intelligence, thwart them pesky deepfakes, and shield the toil-worn crew from its treachery! The governor be havin’ till September’s end to weigh his options—sign, veto, or let 'em drift!
September 2, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fair Kamala be sailin’ ahead in the polls, though some say the winds be blowin’ too favorably for her crew! The Democrats be hootin’ and hollerin’ as she’s catchin’ up to that scallywag Trump, who once ruled the seas of polling. Aye, what a merry jest!
September 2, 2024, 9:00 am
Arrr, matey! Them Republicans be stirrin' up a tempest o' legal squabbles in the high seas of battlegrounds! Kamala and her crew be thinkin' they be schemin' to raise doubts if Cap’n Trump takes a dive. In Georgia, the election board be handin’ the wheel to local scallywags to judge the vote! Aye, chaos ahead!
September 2, 2024, 8:36 am
Avast, me hearties! Israel be in quite the uproar, as the Histadrut crew be callin’ for a grand strike! With the government fumblin’ the ball after findin’ six poor souls, all hands be takin’ a day off! Schools and offices be closin’, and the economy be sinkin’ like a ship! Arrr!
September 1, 2024, 4:11 am
Arrr! The Israeli sea dogs claim they've pulled from the depths the remains of six poor souls, taken by the scallywags of Hamas. Among 'em be Hersh Goldberg-Polin, a Californian lad, snatched at a jolly fest! The hearts of kin be heavy, fearin' time's a'tickin'!
September 1, 2024, 4:09 am
Arrr matey! Six poor souls, snatched by the scallywags of Hamas on the seventh day of October, met their doom in a dark tunnel of Rafah. The Israel Defense Forces be tellin' tales of woe, foundin' ‘em days later, all lifeless and cold. Aye, what a grim jest, eh?
September 1, 2024, 4:07 am
Ahoy, me hearties! The tale be told that young Hersh Goldberg-Polin, snatched from a merry jingle at the festival, now sails the eternal seas! A grenade took his arm, and now, alas, he’s found below in the murky tunnels of Rafah. A sad fate for a jolly lad!
September 1, 2024, 3:38 am
Arrr, matey! Once, Vice President Kamala Harris scorned the devil’s frackin’ and the harsh immigration cannonades of Trump! But lo! In a chat with CNN's fair Dana Bash, she be singing a different shanty, all for the gold in Pennsylvania's hold! Aye, she be up a mere 0.8%!
August 30, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Ol’ Trumpy be sayin’ on the morrow that them Republican scallywags ought to sink the ship o’ government if them Democrats don’t agree to keep landlubbers from castin’ their votes! Aye, he’d scuttle the crew faster than ye can say “shiver me timbers!” Savvy?
August 30, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, mateys! Old Trump be suggestin' that makin' in-vitro fertilization free for landlubber parents could hoist the cost o' $7 billion onto the government’s treasure chest! How he plans to chart that course, I know not, but it be soundin’ like a jolly good scheme! Avast!
August 30, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! Madeline Gaudreau, with a belly full o' treasure, mourns her dear Matthew, taken by a scallywag o’ a driver. They were set to welcome little Tripp in December! The crew's rallyin' round to lighten her load, for even pirates have hearts beneath their rough exteriors!
August 30, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, matey! JD Vance be tryin' to poke fun at Kamala Harris, likin' her to a stumblin' teen beauty queen from the seas of 2007! He be sharin' a clip of Caite Upton, who floundered when asked 'bout geography, sayin', "Even mermaids know where to find treasure better!" Har har har!
August 30, 2024, 1:47 pm
Avast, ye landlubbers! French scallywags be askin' the Swiss for more tales 'bout Telegram's cap'n Durov, accused of givin' his wee lad a thumpin'. His former wench, Irina, be spillin' the beans, claimin' a stormy romance an' three little buccaneers! Blimey, what a ruckus on the high seas!
August 30, 2024, 1:41 pm
Arrr, matey! Most landlubbers 'round these parts can’t even lay claim to a humble shack! With prices shootin’ higher than a crow’s nest during a storm and treasure chests emptyin’ faster than a ship in a squall, it’s a right pickle for us sea dogs! Blame it on those shiny coins from the government!
August 30, 2024, 1:30 pm
Arrr, matey! A new scroll be sayin’ that the clever contraption behind ChatGPT be harborin’ a sneaky bias against those speakin’ the fine tongue of African American English! Aye, even when we kept the talk of color at bay, the beast still be showin’ its true colors! Blimey!
August 30, 2024, 1:29 pm
Arrr, matey! For nigh on a hundred years, foreign scallywags be meddlin’ in Haiti’s biz, tryin’ to tame the wild seas o' violence. Just t’other day, they snatched a piece o’ Port-au-Prince from the grasp o’ ruffians! But with 109 years o' botched attempts, who be payin’ heed? Patience, me hearties!
August 30, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast, me hearties! The scallywags in the California Senate be lettin' landlubbers of the undocumented sort seek a treasure chest of loans for their first humble abodes! With a hearty 23-11 cheer, they sailed this bill through. If it be passin' the Assembly, a fine bounty awaits! Arrr!
August 30, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, matey! The California crew be makin' it legal for landlubbers without papers to snag a treasure chest o’ doubloons to buy their own ship! Ol’ Gov. Newsom be ponderin’ over this here AB 1840, lettin’ ’em score up to $150,000 for their fancy homes. Avast, what a jolly jest!
August 30, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, matey! Governor Gavin Newsom be ponderin' whether landlubber folks without papers can snag a shiny treasure o' home loans in California! The scallywags in the Democrat ship sailed Assembly Bill 1840 to his desk. Will he brave the storm of politics during this election voyage? What say ye, Captain Newsom?
August 30, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! Kamala, the Vice-Cap’n, be swabbin’ the deck o’ her thoughts! In her latest yarn, she claims her values be as steady as a ship’s compass, even as her sails catch a different wind on immigration and climate since '19! A right jolly twist!
August 29, 2024, 10:27 pm
Arrr, Kamala Harris be settin' sail with CNN’s Dana Bash fer her first grand chat since claimin' the Democratic treasure last month, but shiver me timbers! She ain’t playin’ by their rules! Instead, she be rallyin' the crew and workin' with content creators, givin' the ol' media outlets the cold shoulder!
August 29, 2024, 10:26 pm
Arrr! Conservative scallywags be settin' sail on X, bleatin' 'bout a clip of CNN's parley with Vice President Kamala Harris. She be chattin' 'bout her swayin’ policies since takin’ the helm of the Democratic ship. Dana Bash be askin’ how voters should ponder these changes, savvy? A fine jest, indeed!
August 29, 2024, 10:23 pm
Arrr, on the fateful Thursday, Vice President Harris took the helm of her first grand interview since she set sail on her lightning-fast presidential voyage! Aye, CNN's Dana Bash was the captain of this ship, and with her matey, Gov Tim Walz, Harris parried the questions like a seasoned buccaneer!
August 29, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, matey Ibrahim Salem, age 34, felt a shiver in his timbers when a scallywag soldier commanded him to shed his garb in that cursed Sde Teiman dungeon. "Aye, that be the moment I knew I sailed straight into Davy Jones’ locker!" he quipped, recalling the stormy seas of his plight.
August 29, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! The state be claimin’ the Sde Teiman brig be more shipshape than a well-kept treasure chest, with grub fit for a captain and doc care good enough fer a scurvy dog! But alas, the pesky landlubbers keep petitionin’ fer its closure, sayin’ it be a den o' abuse!
August 29, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala Harris be no silver-tongued siren; she be dodgin' the press like a scallywag. Aye, she once spun a yarn claimin' 220 million souls fell to COVID—a number that’d sink our ship! Just goes to show, she be a landlubber with words!
August 29, 2024, 2:00 pm
Arrr, matey! In the wild days of the '80s, our Vice Captain Kamala Harris be flippin' burgers at McDonald's whilst she be earnin' her scrolls! But lo! The seas be murky—no proof be found, just her own jabberin'. We be searchin' for treasure on this tale! Yarrr!
August 29, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, mateys! CrowdStrike be givin’ a treasure of $60 million in credits to those scallywags affected by a software storm! But lo! Delta be claimin’ a whopping $500 million lost in the tempest o’ canceled flights! Yet, amidst the chaos, CrowdStrike be sailin’ smooth with fine earnings! Har har!
August 29, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr, matey! This week, the scallywag Durov, captain of the Telegram ship, be in hot water with the French! They’ve slapped him with charges fer not spillin’ the beans ‘bout his crew's misdeeds. Caught like a fish in a net after his fine flying contraption touched the land! Blimey!
August 29, 2024, 10:06 am
Arrr, matey! French lawmen be pointin' the finger at Telegram’s captain, Pavel Durov, claimin’ he be mixin' in some foul deeds—child scrollin', pirate potions, and hacking tricks! A right jolly mess for a scallywag once hailed by the liberty-loving sea dogs! Avast, the plot thickens!
August 29, 2024, 7:49 am
Ahoy mateys! It be a curious tale, for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be in the ballot of Michigan and Wisconsin, though he’s hung up his boots and pledged fealty to Trump! Aye, his name be there, stirrin' the pot in the battle for the booty, but not in Arizona, Nevada, or Pennsylvania! Arr!
August 29, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr! Independent scribe Séamus Malekafzali, a scallywag dwelling in Beirut, sought weekend fun on the Tinder seas. But lo! Instead of fair maidens, he beheld a frightful missive from his own fleet, promising to rain fire ‘pon his port! Aye, it be a jolly old weekend, eh?
August 29, 2024, 4:37 am
Arrr! While Trump be sailin' steady, Kamala be risin' like the dawn in four fierce battlegrounds! The lasses, Black crew, and sprightly young scallywags be rallyin' 'round her. Though Trump be claimin' the gold, more hearties see Harris as the true captain to unite the ship! Aye!
August 29, 2024, 4:36 am
Arrr, a wee scallywag in Tennessee, just ten years young, be sent to Davy Jones' locker for a whole year! He jested with his finger like a blunderbuss, makin' “pew pew” sounds! Blimey, a law so strict it’d make a landlubber weep! Who knew school could be a pirate’s prison?
August 29, 2024, 4:32 am
Arrr, matey! As ol' Vlad grapples with Ukraine stormin' his shores, Mongolia be throwin' a sneaky jab! In their grand scheme, they’ve left out the doubloons for that fancy Power of Siberia-2 pipeline! Gazprom be reckonin' it could've filled their holds with 1.8 trillion treasures, but alas, no gold for ye, Vlad!
August 28, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! Veteran Lucas O’Hara be scoffin’ at the notion that Trump be usin' the solemn wreath-layin’ at Arlington to peddle his 2024 dreams. He shared the stage with Tulsi Gabbard and kin o’ the brave, honorin' those who met Davy Jones during a right messy retreat!
August 28, 2024, 4:15 pm
Avast, me hearties! Last week, ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tossed his hat overboard and set sail with Captain Trump! Though we clash like stormy seas, at least he chats with scallywags on the other side. In me latest yarn, we parley, while he bemoans the media's silence!
August 28, 2024, 3:38 pm
Arrr, on the thirtieth of August in the year twenty-one, the last landlubbers of the U.S. set sail from Afghanistan! Now, three winters hence, the Taliban be back at the helm, lettin’ scallywags like al Qaeda rise again, while the lassies be locked in chains tighter than a ship’s hold!
August 28, 2024, 3:30 pm
Avast, me hearties! Former Captain Trump took a seat with the good Dr. Phil, spillin' the beans on his foes as the Election Day tempest brews! Aye, the scallywag jabbed at Vice President Harris like a parrot on a cracker, chattin' 'bout borders and doubloons on the Merit Street rigging! Arr!
August 28, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr, matey! The RNC be hoistin’ its sails in this here campaign storm, clashin’ swords over ballots in battleground waters! They be plead’n with the Supreme Court in Arizona ‘bout landlubbers votin’ and even launched a hullabaloo in Detroit fer more scallywags to keep watch o’er the polls!
August 28, 2024, 8:51 am
Arrr, the lawyers be clashin' like krakens over who gets to hoist the sail o' democracy and how many doubloons be counted in the captain's chest! The Democrats be takin' on Georgia's election crew, while the Republicans be raisin' a ruckus in North Carolina and Arizona. Even the Supreme Court be throwin' in their two pieces of eight!
August 28, 2024, 8:40 am
Arrr, matey! In a ruckus ‘fore the grand election of 2024, them Democrats in Georgia be settin’ sail with a lawsuit to keep the seas calm. They be takin’ aim at the State Election Board, who be makin’ rules as tangled as a kraken’s tentacles!
August 28, 2024, 7:07 am
Arrr, this week ol' Mark Zuckerberg be sendin' a missive to Rep. Jim Jordan, claimin’ the Biden crew be givin’ his ship the ol’ “censor” squeeze over Covid tales! He tossed in a wink at Hunter's cursed laptop too. Aye, nothin' new under the jolly roger, matey!
August 28, 2024, 5:24 am
Arrr, if that lass Kamala be crowned president, she be vowin’ to toss a treasure o’ gold at the wall on the southern shores, a scheme she once deemed as unworthy as a landlubber's scallywag! Aye, she be flippin' like a fish outta water on her old ideals!
August 28, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans be callin' Kamala a fickle fish, havin' once spouted that the border wall be a “medieval folly” but now be shiverin' her timbers to expand it! She be parleyin' about revivin' a deal that sunk faster than a cannonball, eh? Avast, what a turncoat!
August 28, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr mateys! A tale from Tuesday be spillin’ that Vice President Kamala be doin’ the ol' flip-flop on Trump’s wall! The scallywags in Washington be scratchin’ their noggins, wonderin’ if it be true! One crew of conservatives be yellin’ that she be tryin' to snatch his treasure! Aye, what a jest!
August 28, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, matey! The jolly band o’ ruffians be settin’ sail on a 14-port tour o’ Britannia and Erin! They be kickoffin’ in Cardiff, then to Manchester and London, before landin’ in Edinburgh and Dublin. Avast, tickets be up fer grabs on Saturday! A right merry reunion, it be!
August 27, 2024, 5:28 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Special counsel Jack Smith be tossin’ a new writ at the ole sea captain Trump, tryin’ to add some wind to his sails after the high court’s grand decree. At 78, Trump still be in hot water for his swabs to change the tide of the 2020 battle! Arrr!
August 27, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In the year of our Lord 2024, Captain Trump be spillin’ the beans! The landlubbers have struck a deal for a ruckus on the debate seas come September 10 in Philly! Same ol’ rules as the CNN brawl, tossin’ Harris’ note-havin’ demands overboard! Avast!
August 27, 2024, 3:53 pm
Arrr, matey! Young Hunter Biden be the scallywag king of shady dealings, but beware! If the lass Kamala takes the helm, her brother-in-law Tony West be ready to snatch the crooked crown. He be a crafty sea dog, trained in the murky Obama waters! Har har!
August 27, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! Israel’s brave sea dogs be claimin’ they snagged a hapless landlubber from a dark, twisty tunnel in Gaza’s belly! After nearly a year o’ skirmishin’, they rescued Kaid Farhan al-Kadi, a Bedouin, who was nabbed by those scallywags o’ Hamas! Avast, the saga sails on!
August 27, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! On a fine Tuesday afternoon, the brave lads o' the IDF and Shin Bet did swoop down like seagulls on a fishy feast, liberatin' the noble Qaid Farhan Alkadi from the clutches o' those scallywags, Hamas! This hearty soul, father to a whole crew of 11, be safe and sound, lookin' for treasure in health checks at Soroka!
August 27, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, on the morn of Tuesday, the brave lads of the Israeli Defense Forces be shoutin' of a fine rescue! They plucked Qaid Farhan Alkadi, a landlubber of 52, from the clutches of those scallywags, the Hamas pirates. He be stable and headin' for a healer—ahoy, what a tale!
August 27, 2024, 9:27 am
Ahoy, mateys! A landlubber judge in Texas be stoppin' the new Biden scheme for keepin' folks from walkin' the plank! A gaggle o' Republican scallywags be raisin' a ruckus, claimin' it's a treacherous plot to save the spouses of US seafarers! Arrr, it’s a wild sea we sail!
August 27, 2024, 4:28 am
Arrr, matey! The Captain of the Secret Service in Pittsburgh and a merry band of four scallywags be walkin' the plank of leave, all while the crew be investigatin’ how a young sniper took aim at ol' Trump during his grand speech! Avast, what a right peculiar hullabaloo!
August 27, 2024, 4:26 am
Avast ye! A band o' Secret Service scallywags be sent to the brig for their blunders in thwartin' the dastardly plot on the former captain, Donald Trump! Reports say their ship's in a storm o' criticism, with the head buccaneer from Pittsburgh bein' among the swabs on leave! Arrr!
August 27, 2024, 4:24 am
Arrr, matey! Five of them Secret Service scallywags be walkin' the plank after a botched attempt on Trump’s noggin! A young gunslinger took a shot at him whilst he gabbed at a rally, givin' him a wee scratch on the ear. What a hullabaloo!
August 26, 2024, 7:04 pm
Arrr, matey! Former lass of the Democratic seas, Tulsi Gabbard, hath hoisted her flag as an independent. Now, she be throwin' her lot in with Captain Trump after that scallywag Kennedy Jr. dropped anchor and tossed his support to the Republican crew. What a jolly hullabaloo, eh?
August 26, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, the grim tally o' heat-related demises be blowin' up like a cannonball, risin' 117% from '99 to '23! 'Twas a scorcher o' a summer, claimin' 21,518 souls over the years. Blimey, stay hydrated or ye might end up in Davy Jones' locker!
August 26, 2024, 1:33 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! The lasses be decked in suffragist-white, raisin' a toast to the idea of “Madam President!” But lo, eight years since Hillary sailed ‘round as the first fair captain, Democrats be shoutin' a dire warning! The scallywags o’ the Republican crew be causin' chaos for the wenches and their kin!
August 26, 2024, 1:27 pm
Arrr, matey! Rep. Dean Phillips, the lone Democrat challengin’ Captain Biden in the 2024 seas, be sayin’ he’d gladly don either a blue or red hat! He aims to lend a hand to this fine crew, even from the shores of a convention in Chicago! Yarrr!
August 26, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr! Israel and them Hezbollah scallywags be firin' cannons like mad after a spell of skirmishes. By midday Sunday, the ruckus seemed to quiet, with both crews claimin' they only shot at foes. Three fell in Lebanon, and a lone sailor from Israel joined Davy Jones. Captain Biden be watchin' it all, savvy?
August 26, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, matey! Israel be swingin’ its cutlass at Hezbollah’s hideouts in Lebanon, callin’ it a preemptive strike! But lo and behold, them scallywags fired back with a barrel o’ rockets! Tensions be risin’ like a tide, whilst negotiators scurry about for a truce ‘twixt Israel and Hamas! Avast!
August 26, 2024, 9:22 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that Vice President Harris be lookin’ to hoist the sails against a rule set by Captain Biden, where jolly speakers be silenced! In past battles o' wit, all hands could holler, but now, they be wishin' for quiet seas in the 2024 squabbles!
August 26, 2024, 9:21 am
Arrr, no parley be struck on the Sabbath in Cairo’s hostage talks, savvy? Both Hamas and Israel be shunning the truce offered by the mediators, makin’ the chances of peace as likely as a mermaid in a storm! Meanwhile, Hamas be firin’ their cannonballs at Israel, raisin’ a ruckus!
August 26, 2024, 5:59 am
Arrr, matey! Pavel Durov, the Telegram cap’n, be no scallywag! 'Tis ridiculous to blame the ship’s captain for the crew’s mischief. Caught in Paris after a swashbucklin' jaunt from Azerbaijan, he’s as innocent as a landlubber! Moscow be raisin’ a ruckus, but fear not, he’ll sail free!
August 26, 2024, 5:58 am
Ahoy matey! Come mornin’, the scallywags from Russia unleashed a storm of iron upon Ukraine, claimin’ three souls and givin’ their energy grid a right thrashin’. Just after a night o’ drone mischief and weekend blasts that took down a newsy! Arrr, what a ruckus on the high seas of chaos!
August 25, 2024, 9:59 am
Arrr matey! Pavel Durov, the scallywag billionaire behind that Telegram treasure map, got nabbed at Bourget airport 'round evening tide! The crows be sayin' he was flyin' his fancy ship from Azerbaijan, and France be wantin’ him on account of an arrest warrant. Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 25, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, me hearties! Pavel Durov, the treasure-hunting scallywag o’ Telegram, was nabbed at Bourget airport, flyin' high in his fancy sea bird! The fuzz be after him fer not havin' enough mateys to keep the shipshape chat in order. Avast, the plot thickens like a fine grog!
August 25, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, matey! Pavel Durov, the captain of the Telegram ship, be caught by the Paris constables after disembarkin' his fancy jet! The buccaneer flew in from Azerbaijan, and the French scallywags had a warrant ready, lookin’ fer the treasure of free speech! Aye, what a jolly ruckus!
August 25, 2024, 9:45 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Islamic State be claimin' the blame for a festival fracas in Germany, leavin' three souls at Davy Jones' locker and eight more wounded! The knave aimed his cutlass at Christians, seekin' revenge for his mates in Palestine! A right sorry tale, indeed!
August 24, 2024, 3:01 pm
Arrr, mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be raisin' the Jolly Roger on his campaign at a news shindig in Phoenix, callin' out the Democratic crew of his kin. He be settin’ sail with Captain Trump instead! Soon after, Trump be callin’ him to the deck at a ruckus in Glendale. Aye, what a merry crew!
August 24, 2024, 2:57 pm
Arrr, mateys! This Friday, the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr., once a Democrat, now a lone sea dog, be makin' a grand speech! Rumor has it he’ll toss his hat overboard in this presidential race. Brace yerselves for a jolly ol' tale of his plundering plans ahead!
August 23, 2024, 3:19 pm
Arrr, mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hoistin’ the white flag on his presidential quest and chartin’ a course for Trump’s ship! In the land of Phoenix, he declared, "Me heart says the White House be a distant isle, so I shan't be askin’ me crew to toil for naught!"
August 23, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, mateys! Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hoistin' the white flag o' surrender, throwin’ his lot in with Captain Trump! His name still be sailin' on many a ballot, but in the swingin' states, he be walkin' the plank! Aye, what a merry jest!
August 23, 2024, 1:52 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hangin' up his campaign sails, but not sinkin' the ship! He be callin’ all ye blue-state scallywags to cast yer votes fer him, while lendin' a hearty cheer to ol’ Donald Trump in the tusslin' battle grounds! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 1:35 pm
Arrr, mateys! At the DNC's grand shindig, ol' Bill Clinton spun a yarn o' mighty numbers! "I swear on me parrot's honor, I checked thrice!" he exclaimed. "Since the Cold War sank, we’ve conjured 51 million new jobs! Score's a jolly 50 for Democrats, just a lone one fer the landlubbers!"
August 23, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, President Putin be claimin' them Ukrainian scallywags made a sneaky strike on the Kursk power treasure! No proof offered, mind ye, but he be tellin' the UN watchmen about the ruckus. Aye, a fine tale for a stormy night, that be!
August 23, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, matey! On the twenty-second day of August, Captain Putin be squawkin’ that them scallywags from Ukraine tried to raid a nuclear treasure in Kursk under the cover of darkness! He be tellin’ the crew ‘bout it on the ship’s screen, and now the IAEA be in the know, yarrr!
August 23, 2024, 10:13 am
Avast, ye scallywags! The United Nations’ sharp-eyed watchdog be warnin’ that the ruckus ‘twixt them Ukrainian and Russian brigands near Kursk's glowing treasure could unleash a nuclear Kraken! Keep yer cannons away, lest we all be singin' Davy Jones’ lullaby! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 9:13 am
Arrr, me hearties! The price o’ cribs be climbin' higher than a crow's nest, causin’ inflation to soar to 2.9% ‘twixt July 2023 and July 2024! AllSides be shoutin’ from the riggin’, partnerin’ with Gigafact to call out the blarney on the seven seas of news!
August 23, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, mateys! Kamala Harris be makin' her grand debut to the landlubbers of America, regalin' 'em with confident tales 'n shiny smiles! But lo, it be as light as a sailor’s rum—no meat on the bones! Can she keep this jig up for 12 more weeks? We shall see!
August 23, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, matey! The grand hullabaloo o' the 2024 Democratic shindig be wrapped up, with nary a rumble nor a brawl in sight—thank the sea gods! Lil John made a splash, but twas as plain as a plank. The crew in Chicago cheered mighty loud when Vice President Kamala claimed her treasure!
August 23, 2024, 4:56 am
Arrr, mateys! Kamala be squawkin' ‘bout a ruckus fer America’s fate at the grand Democratic hullabaloo! She warns o’ a second Trump voyage, all chaos and peril, whilst she be settin' sail fer fairer shores. “I’ll be a captain o’ common sense, fightin’ fer me hearty American crew!” she boasts. Aye, how she'll brawl be a mystery!
August 22, 2024, 6:43 pm
Avast, matey! On a dusty path ‘neath the scrubby hills of Arizona, Captain Trump hoisted a heap o’ steel beams to show how he be guardin’ the treasure! He brought weepin’ mothers and the local sheriff to shout, “Make America Safe Again!” Arrr, what a ruckus!
August 22, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, on Thursday, ol’ Captain Trump spun yarns ‘bout poor souls lost to scallywags from afar, all while standin’ by piles o’ iron bones at the border. He be lookin’ to take a jab at Vice Captain Harris ‘bout the immigration seas in this here battleground!
August 22, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump blabbered at the southern sea’s edge, tryin' to steal thunder from lass Kamala at the DNC ship! He bellowed ’bout Minnesota, claimin’, “We should’ve plundered that treasure twice, but there be plenty o’ mischief afoot! Folks be hushin’ up ‘bout it, savvy?”
August 22, 2024, 2:26 pm
Avast, me hearties! A grand hunt be afoot in Arizona fer a scallywag who dared to threaten to send ol' President Trump to Davy Jones' locker before his rally! The Cochise County sea dogs be pointin' their fingers at one 66-year-old Ronald Lee Syrvud! Arrr!
August 22, 2024, 2:04 pm
Arrr, Omar and Lee be anchorin' a ruckus 'fore the United Center, beggin' fer a chance to parley! AOC be callin' from the crow's nest, lendin' her support! The crew be sittin' like scallywags, hopin' fer a word from the captain, Tim Walz! Blimey, what a hullabaloo!
August 22, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags o' Homeland Security be reportin' a right urgent matter! It seems the immigration buccaneers be losin’ track o' over 32,000 wee lads and lasses that wandered off after bein' held in the brig. Blimey, even a parrot could do better!
August 22, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag audit from the Homeland Sec’rities be revealin’ that ICE be losin’ track of over 30,000 wee lassies and lads! No safeguardin’ 'em from Davy Jones’ crew of traffickers, they be! Inspector Cuffari be soundin’ the alarm—hoist the sails, we got a mutiny on our hands!
August 22, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr matey! The Biden-Harris crew be misplacing over 320,000 young scallywags who sailed across the border sans guardians, says a mighty shocking scroll! These poor souls be adrift in perilous waters, at risk of all manner of dastardly deeds! Avast, what a fine mess we’ve found!
August 22, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, matey! Critics be squawkin' that new rules curtailin’ anti-Israel ruckus on campus be trippin' on free speech. But a clever law professor be sayin’ they just be givin’ a good ol’ shout to rules already in place, keepin’ Jewish and Israeli lads safe from the stormy seas of protest!
August 22, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump sailed onto "This Past Weekend" with jester Theo Von, spillin' tales far from the campaign seas! He said young Barron be a fan of the jester's jibes. Rumor has it, Dana White be the one who set the sails! They even gabbed about the bottle! Har har!
August 22, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr matey! In the year of our Lord 2024, the scallywags of the crypto seas be tossin’ over $119 million doubloons to hoist friendly candidates and sink the skeptics! This be half o' all the corporate treasure tossed in the electoral waters! Aye, ‘tis a grand hoot!
August 22, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, matey! The Romanian landlubbers be lookin' fer the Tate scallywags over some naughty business, like shanghaein' and dalliances with wee lasses! They’ve been nabbed faster than ye can say "pirate booty," after the coppers searched their treasure hauls! Time fer a jolly good questioning, I reckon!
August 22, 2024, 5:30 am
Ahoy, mateys! Rep. Ocasio-Cortez be givin' a good ol' tongue-lashin' to the DNC fer keepin' the Palestinians muzzled on stage! She be hollerin' 'bout honorin' all souls, even those poor wretches caught in the tempest of conflict. Aye, let the voices be heard, or face the wrath of the high seas!
August 21, 2024, 2:29 pm
Ahoy mateys! In the merry month of March, after Alabama’s court put the kibosh on makin’ wee ones in test tubes, Minnesota’s Gov. Tim Walz shared his trials with his lass, Gwen. He even sent a treasure map of a fundraiser titled “Our IVF Adventure”! Arrr, politics be a jolly sea!
August 21, 2024, 2:14 pm
Arrr, the scurvy mainstream press, save for that landlubber Daniel Dale from CNN, be as useful as a barnacle on a ship's hull! So, our matey Larry decided to hoist the sails of truth and tackle Joe Biden's yarns himself, lest we be led astray by bilgewater tales!
August 21, 2024, 2:11 pm
Arrr, matey! Kamala, the fierce lass, be sailin' the seven seas of politics, takin' on the scallywag Trump! She be droppin' her treasure o' claims 'bout gold, health, and other fine booty. BBC Verify be chartin' her course, ready to spill the beans! Avast, the convention be near!
August 21, 2024, 2:09 pm
Arrr! Vice President Kamala Harris be settin’ sail with Governor Tim Walz o’ Minnesota as her trusty matey at a grand rally in Philadelphia! Now the scallywags be chattin’ online ‘bout his past, but beware, matey, not all be true! Walz be takin’ the stage tonight fer the grand ol’ Democratic shindig!
August 21, 2024, 5:58 am
Arrr, mateys! Independent sea dog Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be ponderin' whether to abandon ship in the 2024 race and sail alongside that rascally Trump! The Trumpster be sayin’ he’d welcome the lad aboard his crew. Choices aplenty, but beware the treacherous waters of politics, savvy?
August 20, 2024, 6:15 pm
Ahoy mateys! Captain Biden’s chartin’ a new course in the seas of nuclear might, settin’ his sights on the ever-growing fleet o’ China’s cannons! This secret scroll, known as "Nuclear Employment Guidance," be gettin’ a fresh inkin’ every four years, but ye won’t find it in any digital cove, just a handful o’ parchment! Arrr!
August 20, 2024, 5:57 pm
Ahoy mateys! Top seadogs of intel be spillin' the grog that Iran be the scallywags behind the hackin' o’ Trump’s shipshape campaign! It seems they be plottin' to meddle in the 2024 treasure hunt with their crafty cyber cannons! Avast, what a ruckus!
August 20, 2024, 5:54 pm
Avast ye mateys! Word be spillin' that Iran be the scallywags behind the foul hackin' of Trump’s campaign ship! The Yanks be claimin' they aimed to sow chaos and sink our fine democracy! Trump’s crew be accusin’ 'em, but the Iranians be shoutin’, “Nay!” What a ruckus on the high seas!
August 20, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers o' Washington be sayin' Iran be the scallywags behind the hackin' o' Trump’s ship o' state! They reckon it’s part o' a cunning plot to meddle in our politics and steer the election! Blame be cast, but where be me rum?
August 20, 2024, 2:37 pm
Arrr, matey! This week in Chicago, the Democratic crew be givin' away free baby-bustin' services! Planned Parenthood be sendin' their abortion ship to the shindig, handin' out magic potions and mornin'-after charms. The landlubbers be in a tizzy over this jolly giveaway! Har har har!
August 20, 2024, 11:45 am
Ahoy, matey! With a twist of election denial, the New York Times be spillin' the beans: them Republicans be causin' a ruckus for the left! Four long years o’ grumblin' 'bout drop boxes and wayward ballots, and now the Georgia crew be sportin' common sense! Arrr, what a jest!
August 20, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! It seems them young scallywags born in the Philly ports be flounderin’ in gold doubloons worse than their crafty Gen X mates! The dream o’ climbin’ the social mast be as slippery as a fish in a barrel! Charts be sayin’ it all, savvy?
August 20, 2024, 11:37 am
Ahoy mateys! The news brigands o’ PolitiFact and Capital B be joinin’ forces this election season! They’ll be settin’ sail on a sea o’ truths, keepin’ Black hearts informed ‘bout the political tides. So let the knowledge flow, lest ye be caught in a storm o’ deception! Arrr!
August 20, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, mateys! This here Stephanie Grisham, once a parley of Trump’s crew, now be settin’ sail for the Democratic shindig! “I never thought I'd be swabbin' the decks with these scallywags, but Trump be a menace to the seas!” she squawks to the crow's nest of NBC! Avast!
August 19, 2024, 10:21 pm
Arrr, the blubberin' George Santos be spillin' his guts to the landlubber press, lamentin' his scallywag ways! He confessed to swindlin' treasure and usin' credit cards like a drunken sailor! Now he be lookin' at two years in Davy Jones' locker, or maybe seven if the seas be rough!
August 19, 2024, 7:39 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! The grand Democratic hootenanny be upon us! Captain Biden'll be takin’ the spotlight, while Lady Kamala and Gov. Walz ready to hoist their flags. Expect tales of his half-century swashbucklin’ in politics, as he hands over the ship’s wheel! Yarrr, and the lovely Jill shall speak too!
August 19, 2024, 7:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Captain Blinken be sayin' Israel’s agreed to a truce parley, now it's up to those scallywags in Hamas to give a hearty “aye!” If they do, the swabs of negotiation will gather to plot their course, savvy? Let the sea of diplomacy roll on!
August 19, 2024, 7:20 pm
Arrr, on a fine Monday, the scallywag George Santos confessed to bein' a dastardly fraudster! This lubber be slippin' from 23 charges, yet still might find himself swabbin' the deck for two to twenty years! Avast, the seas of justice be rough for this trickster!
August 19, 2024, 2:48 pm
Arrr, mateys o’ Chicago! Vice President Kamala Harris be hoistin’ the corporate tax flag to 28%! She be sayin’ it’ll fill the coffers for her grand schemes and make sure them scallywag billionaires pay their dues, so the good folk can keep their doubloons! Avast!
August 19, 2024, 2:29 pm
Avast, me hearties! A scurvy image on X be claimin' to show UK constables a-bowin' to a crew o' Muslims. But hold yer horses! That claim be a hoax! A savvy sea dog’s scan be shoutin' it’s 99.2% likely a trick of the devil’s own AI! Arrr!
August 19, 2024, 2:27 pm
Arrr, matey! Young Miguel Aleman, just a sprightly 39, sailed from Mexico to the States at the tender age of four. Now he be joinin’ the ranks of landlubbers hopin’ to snag a citizenship treasure through Biden’s shiny new scheme. Aye, politics be a raucous sea before the Nov. 5 battle!
August 19, 2024, 2:25 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Republican crew be tryin' to shanghai 40,000 landlubbers in Arizona from castin' their votes! They be claimin’ these swabs ain't shown their papers, demandin' the Supreme Court to hoist the anchor on their ballots! A jolly good ruckus, I say!
August 19, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr, a scallywag horde o' hundreds be chantin' fer the rights of the fair folk and the bellyaches o' the landlubbers on a fine Sunday eve in Chicago! With Trump’s tower watchin’ like a land shark, they sailed forth to the Union monument, climbin’ like monkeys in the moonlight!
August 19, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr matey! A shipload o' landlubber activists be settin' course for Chicago this week, ready to raise a ruckus 'bout gold for all, lady rights, and the scallywag war in Gaza. Vice President Harris be stirrin' the pot, but these hearty souls be plannin' to shout their message loud 'n clear!
August 19, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr matey! On a Sunday morn, the Foul Bureau o’ Investigation snatched up Councilman Trayon White Sr. quicker than a shark at a fish fry! The council be flabbergasted, for this cheeky rogue, set to sail for a third term, be tangled in a mysterious net o’ trouble!
August 19, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr! ‘Twas a Sunday, when Trayon White Sr., the scallywag of Ward 8, found himself in the clutches of the FBI! What be the charges, ye ask? It’s a mystery shrouded in fog! Even the council chief, Phil Mendelson, be confirm’in the tale—integrity be the treasure we seek, matey!
August 19, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr! The FBI be snatchin' a scallywag city councilman in D.C. on Sunday, though the tale be as foggy as a sailor's hangover! Council President Phil Mendelson be spillin' the beans that Trayon White Sr. got nabbed at two bells! The plot thickens like a bowl o' grog, matey!
August 19, 2024, 4:12 am
Ahoy, matey! Fer some landlubber companies in the Russian seas, bein’ virtuous be as senseless as a fish on dry land! SLB, the mightiest of oilfield swabs, be castin’ nets for a thousand scallywags since December, while rivals scurried away like cowards after the Ukraine clash! Arrr!
August 18, 2024, 5:26 am
Ahoy mateys! VP Kamala Harris regaled us with words on Friday, hopin’ to charm the crew 'bout her grand plans fer the economy. But alas, she tossed away the chance, spinnin’ tales of fancy tricks instead! The scallywags be grumblin' still ‘bout pricey grub and Big Macs that cost a king's ransom!
August 18, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, matey! Taylor Lorenz be shiftin' her tale like a ship in a storm! She once called Biden a "war criminal," but now she claims it be edited. But lo! A snapshot reveals her grinnin' with him at a White House shindig, captioned with "war criminal" and a sad face! Blimey!
August 18, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, matey! Candace Owens, the lass who be flyin' the flag of young conservatism, amassed a fleet o' followers and parleyed with the likes of Trump, she did. But lo! After jumpin' ship from the Daily Wire, she be spoutin' tales that Stalin be a Jewish pirate in a secret crew! Avast!
August 18, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr, a path of mayhem be left in the wake of the brave Ukrainian sea dogs, stormin' the Russian shores! They blasted through the border, and even took a swing at old Lenin’s statue in Sudzha! Aye, the scallywags be claimin’ victory, indeed!
August 17, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr! A squabblin’ Supreme Court be holdin’ fast, keepin’ the old rules for schools in half the land, while the new protections fer transgender scallywags be under fire! The Biden crew be hollerin’, “Let the changes sail on Aug. 1!” But alas, the court be too divided, savvy?
August 17, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr matey! The Supreme Court be settin' sail with a 5-4 vote, tossin' aside Biden’s plea to shield the lasses from the swabbers in their privies! Aye, the decree from April be sayin' no to the buccaneers in the lassies' quarters! What a jolly ruckus on the high seas of law!
August 16, 2024, 7:35 pm
Arrr, matey! Word be from Moscow that a crafty scallywag close to Cap'n Putin be sayin' the dastardly West plotted Ukraine's sneaky strike on Kursk! Aye, it were the largest raid since the great sea battle of World War Two! The poor ol' bear be red-faced, he be!
August 16, 2024, 7:14 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala, the fair lass from the high seas of politics, be spillin’ the beans on her treasure map for wealth! She be wantin’ to lower the cost o’ grub and potions, while settin’ sail to save the middle class from Davy Jones’ locker!
August 16, 2024, 7:09 pm
Arrr, mateys of Raleigh! Vice President Kamala be settin' sail with a treasure chest o' $1.7 trillion in doubloons for the landlubbers! She be givin’ $25,000 to land hoarders and a hearty $6,000 tax break to keep the scallywags fed amidst the stormy seas o’ inflation! Avast!
August 16, 2024, 6:41 pm
Arrr, in the land o’ New Jersey, officers be sayin’, “Fear not, lass! We wish to aid ye!” But lo and behold, moments later, they shot her dead as a parrot! Aye, ‘tis a fine mess involving Captain Pickens and the lot! What a swashbucklin’ turn of events!
August 16, 2024, 9:26 am
Arrr, matey! A notorious scallywag from Peru, Gianfranco Torres-Navarro, captain of the dreaded “Los Killers,” be caught in New York! Suspected o’ 23 dastardly deeds, he’s now locked up tighter than a treasure chest in Buffalo, awaitin’ his fate like a landlubber in a storm!
August 16, 2024, 9:18 am
Arrr, matey! On a fine Wednesday morn, U.S. immigration swabs caught a scallywag, Gianfranco Torres-Navarro, a Peruvian buccaneer wanted for twoscore of dastardly deeds! Now, he’s locked up tighter than a treasure chest in Buffalo, awaitin’ his fate, savvy?
August 16, 2024, 9:10 am
Ahoy, mateys! Join Anne and Peter as they chart the treacherous waters o’ tyranny in the good ol’ U.S. o’ A! Democracy ain't sunk by cannon fire, but by a thousand tiny nibbles. They’ve plundered the secrets o’ autocrats, so hoist the sails and lend an ear!
August 16, 2024, 9:08 am
Arrr, mateys of Tallahassee! A California crew o' lab-grown fowl be settin' sail for the courts, takin' on Florida's new ban on their fancy meat! Upside Foods be shoutin' that the law be unfairly favorin' local scallywags. Fear not, they say, for ol' meat'll always have its spot at the feast!
August 16, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, matey! Independent swashbuckler Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hopin' to parley with the fair lass Kamala Harris about joinin' her crew as a Cabinet matey, should she claim the treasure! But alas, it seems her ship be sailin' on without a reply! Avast!
August 16, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, matey! Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. took to the digital seas, takin’ a jab at Vice President Kamala Harris. He be sayin’ her Democratic crew would baffle his old sea-dogs, his father and uncle! Once a storm in the Biden-Trump waters, now he be sinkin’ in the polls!
August 16, 2024, 5:12 am
Arrr, matey! Independent swashbuckler Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be sayin’ he’ll not be throwin’ his vote behind Vice President Kamala Harris, after talkin’ of trades like a pirate’s booty! Rumor has it he be wantin’ a shiny cabinet seat in return for his ye olde endorsement. Avast!
August 15, 2024, 7:22 pm
Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris be keepin' her lips sealed tighter than a treasure chest! The scallywags in the press be claimin' her crew be spoutin' words they never uttered. This week, a band o' media swabs known as AllSides be makin' waves with their tall tales!
August 15, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Joe Biden and Kamala Harris be proclaimin’ themselves the gallant defenders of the old sea dogs, takin’ on the mighty drug barons in a grand battle! “We’ve finally swiped the gold from big pharma!” bellowed Biden, joined by his lassie Harris. Avast, what a ruckus!
August 15, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, President Biden be callin’ that scallywag Trump “Donald Dump” as he be joinin’ forces with Vice President Harris, the fine lass who be takin’ the helm o’ the Democratic ship! They swaggered out to some jolly tune, grinnin’ and wavin’ at landlubbers wantin’ cheaper potions. Aye, what a sight!
August 15, 2024, 4:27 pm
Arrr, matey! The great Kamala and Gov’nor Walz be chattin’ away, but ‘tis not to the press, hostile or friendly! Nay, they be talkin’ to themselves in a jolly ol’ video, spillin’ naught ‘bout policies. If ye be seekin’ wisdom on the economy or such, ye best keep sailin'!
August 15, 2024, 4:24 pm
Arrr, mateys! A merry band o' jurors be ponderin' the fate o' Jason Lewis, a landlubber accused o' sendin' a wee lad to Davy Jones' locker whilst he be plunderin' carriages! The prosecutin' wench claims it be as clear as the blue seas, with footage showin' him firin' first! Avast!
August 15, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, matey! Kamala's ship be takin' on water 'cause she be usin' crafty edits to spin the news in her favor, like a scallywag! WDAY be fumin' like a cannon blast, claimin' their tale made her look like a trusty matey. The storm brews as Biden and she set sail together!
August 15, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, matey! This November, no less than eight swashbucklin’ states, and maybe three more, be settin’ sail to vote on the matter of abortion! Arizona and Missouri be joinin’ the fray, while Arizona and Nevada be the treasure maps of the 2024 election. Hoist the flags!
August 15, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! In the fair city of Los Angeles, the law has clapped the irons on a scallywag in the curious case o’ Matthew Perry’s fateful tumble into the depths of ketamine! Rumors fly, and more miscreants may be in the brine! Stay tuned, ye landlubbers!
August 15, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! A band of scallywags from the Persian seas be plunderin’ emails of U.S. swabs workin’ for Captain Biden and Old Trump! Google’s lookout crew be spyin’ on these sneaky rascals from the Islamic Revolutionary Guard. They thwarted some of their dastardly plots, but the mischief be far from over!
August 14, 2024, 9:09 pm
Arrr, mateys! Minouche Shafik, the captain o’ Columbia’s ship, be settin’ sail early, leavin’ her crew in a ruckus after the Hamas hullabaloo! Her handling o’ the pro-Palestinian squalls drew a mighty cannonade o’ scorn. Now, she’s off to calmer waters, claimin’ it be too stormy fer her kin!
August 14, 2024, 9:08 pm
Arrr, mateys! The cap'n o’ Columbia, Nemat Shafik, has hoisted the white flag and scuttled away after a tempest o’ ruckus 'bout pro-Palestinian squabbles! She’s the third Ivy League captain to jump ship in eight moons, what with Congress givin’ ‘em a right thrashin’ over antisemitism!
August 14, 2024, 8:15 pm
Arrr, President Minouche Shafik be hangin' up her captain's hat after four moons of stormy seas over them campus ruckuses 'bout the fracas in Gaza. She be sayin' it be weighin' heavy on her crew and kin, like a ship sunk by a kraken! What a jolly hullabaloo!
August 14, 2024, 8:03 pm
Arrr, mateys! The tempest known as Ernesto be blowin’ like a scallywag, turnin’ into a Category 1 hurricane! It rained and raged upon Puerto Rico, leavin' the land in a right pickle! Now it be chasin' Bermuda with winds as fierce as a drunken sea dog!
August 14, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The World Health Organization be shoutin’ a warning about a scurvy strain of monkeypox, callin’ it a dire threat to all. The Congo’s got a wicked outbreak, makin’ the folks tremble! Let’s hoist the sails on research and vaccines, lest we meet Davy Jones too soon!
August 14, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, mateys! The grand captain of the World Health Folks be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that the mpox plague be a fearsome scourge across the African seas! Yarr, it’s spreadin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull! Gather ye crew, for a storm be brewin’!
August 14, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, mateys! The World Health Organization be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that the mpox be causin’ a ruckus in Congo and beyond! With scallywags young and old catchin’ it, only a handful o’ vaccines be found in these here waters. Batten down the hatches, 'tis a health emergency!
August 14, 2024, 9:40 am
Arrr, matey! German scallywags be after a Ukrainian lad, Volodymyr Z, a diving instructor turned mischief-maker! He be suspected o' havin' plundered the Nord Stream pipes, swimmin' deep in the dark seas like a sneaky fish. Aye, what a jolly good tale of underwater shenanigans!
August 14, 2024, 9:37 am
Arrr! On Tuesday, a hearty crew of 20,000 landlubbers swarmed the streets o' Bratislava, shoutin' against Captain Fico’s mischief-makers! Blamin' the scallywags Šimkovičová and Susko fer plunderin' the nation’s culture! Aye, 'twas a rowdy rally, echoing the last day's ruckus from them civic sea dogs!
August 14, 2024, 9:36 am
Avast, me hearties! Gold medal lass Imane Khelif be under fire from her old sparrin' matey, Joana Nwamerue. With wild theories 'bout Khelif’s past, she claims, “That scallywag’s got some inner troubles, but he be a man!” Arrr, let’s see if the sea be a’callin’ for proof!
August 14, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! Good tidings for Vice President Kamala Harris and the treasure trove! Inflation be droppin' to a meager 2.9% in July, makin' it four moons of savings! The economists be scratchin' their heads, thinkin' it’d stay at 3%. Aye, the lowest since Biden took the helm!
August 13, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be forever countin’ his treasure o’ numbers—like gold coins, viewer eyes, and the throngs at his shindigs! Back in 2016, he bragged 'bout his rowdy crew at rallies, claimin' it outshone the polls. And on his first day, he swore his crowd was the mightiest! Har har!
August 13, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr, matey! The savvy landlubbers claim that the pic of Lady Kamala’s shindig be doctored, but it be naught but simple filters, not witchcraft of A.I.! Trump be raisin' a ruckus, sayin' her crowd be inflated like a balloon. But where be the crowd’s ghostly reflections, eh? Har har!
August 13, 2024, 3:06 pm
Arrr, matey! Sudan's savage squabble be makin' belly growls echo like a howlin' gale! A fearsome famine be afoot, the likes of which haven’t been seen since 2017. The wise ol' Famine Review Committee be sayin' parts of Darfur be starvin' like a crew lost at sea! Avast!
August 13, 2024, 2:47 pm
Ahoy! A scallywag from Harris' crew be sayin’ the pic be untouched by no tricksy AI! But lo! Trump be blabbin’ like a parrot, claimin’ she used sorcery to puff up her crowd at the rally. Can't trust a landlubber’s tongue, I tells ya! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr matey! In these treacherous waters, the scallywag David Frum be tossin’ thunderbolts at Trump! But hark! Back in the day, J.D. Vance, a wee blog-scribbler for Frum, sang a different tune 'fore donning his MAGA colors! A right jolly twist o' fate, I say!
August 13, 2024, 2:40 pm
Arrr, matey! Whether this here camaraderie be a long-lasting treasure or just fool's gold be yet unknown. Though the ruckus died quicker than a ship’s lantern at dawn, the bond forged ‘twixt the scallywags o’ all stripes might just outlast the ruckus itself! Aye, distrust in the king be universal!
August 13, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr, matey! Captain Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s quest fer the crown be sunk like a ship in a storm! A wise judge ruled that his supposed New York port be naught but a rented bunk in California's seas! Yarr, no ballot for ye, landlubber!
August 13, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, matey! The court be sayin’ Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ain't a true New Yorker, and thus ye can’t find his name on the ballot! Judge Ryba called his claim a "foul lie." He be ready to battle this verdict, but if it sticks, he’ll be walkin’ the plank o’ disappointment!
August 13, 2024, 9:54 am
Arrr, matey! Independent buccaneer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be tossed off New York’s ballot after a judge declared his claim of a local lair to be naught but a scallywag’s fib! Seems he ain't plannin' to dock in the Empire State anytime soon, savvy?
August 13, 2024, 8:15 am
Arrr, Rep. Dan Goldman, that scallywag, be a right shameless landlubber! As a party’s attack hound, he be flounderin' like a fish outta water. With a treasure chest o’ gold and nary a checkmate, he be outsmarted at every turn. Even claimed Trump be quakin' in his boots! Ha!
August 13, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ex-President Trump be lettin’ loose a cannonade of tall tales – a whole 20 of 'em – whilst jawin’ with the treasure-laden Elon Musk on the ship of X. His fibs be older than Davy Jones, coverin’ all seas from immigration to foreign winds! Har har!
August 13, 2024, 4:56 am
Arrr, mateys! In the grand seas o’ politics, the daring Captain Kennedy be stayin’ on the North Carolina parchment! A scallywag judge laughed at the Democrats’ whinin’ and said, "Aye, let the We the People crew sail forth!" Hoist the sails, 'tis a jolly good time for all!
August 13, 2024, 4:53 am
Avast ye! A new treasure map be drawn in Congress, lettin' 23.5 million landlubbers pick their own scallywags for office! The “Let America Vote Act,” led by Captain Fitzpatrick and his hearty crew, aims to open the gates in 22 states where party folks be hoardin' the booty! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr, matey! Young scallywags o' England be learnin' to sniff out the foul stench o' lies and mad tales online, says the wise wench Bridget Phillipson! She be revampin' schools so these wee pirates can think straight and battle the cursed conspiracy beasts! What a jolly good plan, eh?
August 12, 2024, 3:55 pm
Arrr, matey! Old Captain Trump be settin' sail fer a legal battle ‘gainst the Justice Department fer searchin’ his treasure trove at Mar-a-Lago! A judge, handpicked by the captain himself, tossed out the charges o’ hidin’ the king’s scrolls. A right merry mess, it be!
August 12, 2024, 3:48 pm
Arrr matey! Donald Trump be settin' sail to sue the Justice Department, claimin' they plundered his Mar-a-Lago treasure in a search! His crew be shoutin' “political mutiny!” and demandin’ a chest o’ doubloons worth $100 million for his troubles. A fine jest indeed, ye scallywags!
August 12, 2024, 3:36 pm
Avast ye! The scallywag Musk be lettin’ Captain Trump back on the High Seas of X after three long years adrift! Both mates and fiends be watchin’ for his next squawkin’ tweet. “He’s back!” be the cry, so brace yerselves for a barrel o’ unhinged hilarity! Arrr!
August 12, 2024, 3:35 pm
Arrr, matey! Kyleigh, in a sea o' pain, didn’t know her cursed cargo could sink her ship! The doc’s at Ascension Seton tossed her a pamphlet, sayin’ “let the winds blow.” Three days later, still bleedin’, they finally shot her cannon—but alas, the treasure was lost! Har har!
August 12, 2024, 10:43 am
Ahoy, me hearties! Presidential matey Robert Kennedy Jr. be stirrin' the pot, claimin' he owns a wee shack in New York! He be askin', "What’s a scallywag who pays taxes and votes there? A true New Yorker, savvy?" Aye, let the legal squabbles commence, ye landlubbers!
August 12, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! A new poll be sayin' more landlubbers trust Kamala Harris with the doubloons than ol' Trump! After Biden sailed off from the race, the winds of change be blowin'—first time since the start of this hullabaloo! Avast, what a turn of tide!
August 12, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the Border Patrol be sayin’ they trust ol’ Biden more than lass Kamala! Not a single one be raisin’ their quill to vote for her in November, claimin’ she be no friend to their salty crew and the mission set by the crown!
August 12, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr, matey! Fresh reckonin' from the bustling ports o' the U.S. be showin' a grand plummet in ruckus and mayhem—over 25% in some haunts! The COVID scourge be retreatin’, leavin’ ol' Trump and his scallywags with nary a cannonball to fire at the Democrats! Har har!
August 12, 2024, 5:42 am
Aye, on a morn in 2017, Curtrina Martin be thinkin' she be witnessin' a grand firework show akin to the Fourth of July! But alas, it be just the FBI bustin' down her door, lookin' fer a scallywag in the next house! They’d find out too late, arrr!
August 12, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, matey! X, the scallywag platform run by Captain Musk, be under fire for plunderin' the data of EU landlubbers to train its Grok AI beastie, without so much as a by-your-leave! An astute sailor spied the sneaky scheme, causin’ a right ruckus from the Irish crew!
August 12, 2024, 5:35 am
Arrr, matey! In the grand ol' bout o' the Paris Games, the lass Lin Yu-ting snagged the shiny gold just a day after another. She bested the Polish wench, Julia Szeremeta, in a right fine scuffle, makin’ the air her own canvas as she danced with glee! Aye, she ruled the ring like a true buccaneer!
August 12, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at U.S. intel be squawkin’ that Iran may be back to makin’ their boom-booms! Aye, ’tis a twist from the tales spun since 2019. In July 2024, they spilled the beans to Congress, tossin’ out the ol’ yarns like yesterday’s fish! Yarrr!
August 11, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Harris be swearin’ to shiver the timbers of tip taxes in Las Vegas! But lo and behold, former President Trump be callin’ her a copycat for borrowin' one o' his grand schemes. 'Tis a right merry mess o' squabblin' on the high seas of politics!
August 11, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, Governor Newsom be swabbin' the decks o’ California, threatin’ towns with a bust o’ gold if they don’t haul off the scallywag encampments! Spotted pickin’ up refuse like a landlubber in Los Angeles, he be tryin’ to tidy up the ship! Aye, those homeless buccaneers be settin' up camp everywhere!
August 11, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! The ol' captain Trump be claimin' his campaign’s been boarded by scallywags from Iran, swipin' secret scrolls! No proof to show, but it be coincidin' with a tale from Microsoft about foreign buccaneers causin’ mischief! Beware the spear-phishin’ emails, me hearties!
August 11, 2024, 6:54 am
Arrr, mateys! It be said that Gov. Tim Walz be slippin' his tongue like a fish outta water in a 2018 tale! The landlubbers o' the GOP be givin' him a right good thrashin' fer his sea legs in battle. Fear not, for he be honorin' all brave souls, aye!
August 11, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. treasure keepers in Mexico be sayin' that young Guzman Lopez, spawn o' the notorious "El Chapo," did turn hisself in willingly. Meanwhile, the old sea dog Zambada be dragged in like a scallywag! Both be claimin' innocence, but their lawyers be spoutin' tall tales!
August 10, 2024, 12:06 pm
Avast, mateys! This week, the treasure of low mortgage rates be shining bright, droppin' to a hearty 6.47%! Aye, after last year’s stormy seas of high interest, homebuyers can now breathe easy. So hoist the sails and grab yer gold, for smooth sailin’ be ahead!
August 10, 2024, 12:01 pm
Avast, me hearties! The gold coins be treasurin' at a rare low tide, with mortgage rates droppin’ to a scallywag’s 6.47%! Hope be afloat in the stormy seas of the U.S. housing market. Let’s hoist the sails and celebrate this fair wind! Yarrr!
August 10, 2024, 11:58 am
Arrr, mateys! This week, the treasure o' mortgage rates took a mighty dive, settlin’ at 6.47%, down from 6.73%! Seems the landlubbers overreacted to a scallywag report 'bout jobs. Fear not, for our ship o' economy be steady as she goes, says Captain Sam Khater!
August 9, 2024, 7:28 pm
Arrr, matey! One last foe lay vanquished, gold medal gleamin' 'round Imane Khelif's neck, but the lass be far from finished! In the post-fight parley, she swung at critics harder than a cannonball, lettin' 'em know she be fightin' fit, no matter what scallywags be sayin'!
August 9, 2024, 7:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In the fair city of Paris, lass Imane Khelif, that fiery Algerian wench, be a gold medalist now! Her brawlin' with China’s Yang Liu stirred a mighty tempest in the boxing seas. What be next, ye ask? Aye, it might just sink the whole sport!
August 9, 2024, 4:48 pm
Avast ye! In the grand port of Paris, the lass Imane Khelif, a fierce Algerian pugilist, snatched a shiny gold doubloon on Friday! Battlin' like a true sea dog, she thrashed Yang Liu of China 5:0, all whilst dodgin' jests about her womanly ways. Huzzah! Crowds be roarin’ like a tempest!
August 9, 2024, 3:16 pm
Arrr, Vice President Harris be dodgin' the press like a slippery sea serpent in Michigan! She be hopin' fer a long chinwag before the month’s end, but the Trump crew be givin’ her the ol’ stink-eye fer hidin' from questions since she hoisted her sails for the White House!
August 9, 2024, 3:14 pm
Arrr, the scribes be hounding Vice President Kamala Harris fer answers, but she be as tight-lipped as a treasure chest! Since Captain Biden sailed away from the race, she’s dodged the press like a scallywag. Only at a Michigan rally did she finally spill the beans—sorta!
August 9, 2024, 3:05 pm
Arrr, Vice Captain Kamala be hopin' to parley with the press afore the month be up, savvy? After the scallywag Trump be callin' her dim-witted, she’s set a measly 24-day quest fer a chat! “I be talkin' to me crew,” she be sayin’. Aye, let the games begin!
August 9, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr, Justice Gorsuch be spoutin’ wisdom, sayin’ our laws be bloomin’ like barnacles 'cause we be mistrustin’ each other! He be callin’ fer a hearty chat 'twixt us scallywags, remindin’ us to take our licks as well as our spoils! Aye, civility be the treasure we seek!
August 9, 2024, 10:29 am
Ahoy, mateys! In Caracas, Cap'n Maduro be sayin' he’s shut down X fer ten days, claimin' ol' Elon Musk be stirrin' up a storm o' hate after a dodgy election! Reports say posts be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship! Blimey, Musk be breakin' his own rules, aye!
August 9, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, matey! Next week, Captain Biden and First Mate Harris be settin' sail to Maryland, chattin' 'bout how to lighten the treasure burdens of the good folk! ‘Tis their first voyage since she took the helm! But shiver me timbers, they be keepin' the map secret!
August 9, 2024, 10:23 am
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Biden's crew tossed a right grim scroll to Congress, sayin' the treasure chest be $1.87 trillion short for 2024! Aye, by year's end, we be swimmin' in a $37 trillion sea of debt! This news be blowin' in on the 50th birthday of the budget law, savvy? Arrr!
August 8, 2024, 6:57 pm
Arrr, matey! This week, the treasure of mortgage rates be sinkin’ like a cannonball, thanks to some feeble job numbers! The Federal Reserve be thinkin’ of slashin’ interest rates next month. Aye, a fine wind blowin’ fer the sorry state of the landlubber’s housing market!
August 8, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be settin’ sail fer a ruckus with Vice President Kamala on the 10th o' September! He be spillin' the beans at his treasure trove, Mar-a-Lago. Harris be ready to parley too! Aye, let the jests and jabs commence on the high seas of debate!
August 8, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be settin' sail for three debates with Miss Kamala, seekin' to clear the fog o' confusion! Mark yer maps for Sept. 4, 10, and 25, as the crew o' Fox, NBC, and ABC be ready to hoist the sails o' discourse! Avast!
August 8, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr, matey! After bein’ adrift in the sky for two moons, our brave space-farers Butch and Suni might just hitch a ride home! The ol’ Boeing be givin’ trouble, so NASA be thinkin’ of plunderin’ a SpaceX vessel instead. Aye, let’s hope they don’t be walkin’ the plank!
August 8, 2024, 3:26 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be givin' a right thrashin' to Miss Kamala 'bout her fear o' the press! He’s settin' sail fer a grand parley at 2 bells on Thursday at his fancy treasure cove, Mar-a-Lago. Aye, it be her first chance to face the scallywags!
August 8, 2024, 3:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The ol' captain Trump be takin' a jibe at Vice President Kamala, claimin' she be chosen for bein' all politically proper-like and can’t parley worth a barnacle! He called her the most despised matey in the crew, never earnin' a vote but sailin' the seas o' politics!
August 8, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, mates! Husbands be the captains o’ the ship, workin’ like dogs to fill the belly. Wives be keepin’ the cabin shipshape and raisin’ the wee ones. Aye, some landlubbers be frettin’ 'bout the good ol' family ways, shunnin’ any scallywags who stray from their charted course!
August 8, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr, matey! It be said that ol’ Elon, the captain of X, spun yarns about the U.S. election, garnerin’ a treasure trove of 1.2 billion peepers! The scallywags at the Center for Counterin’ Digital Nonsense be countin’ 50 tall tales, all debunked, yet still sailin’ the digital seas! Har har!
August 8, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, me hearties! A ruckus be afoot in Kursk, where them Ukrainian scallywags be plunderin'! Governor Smirnov be raisin' the alarm, sayin' it’s time to shoo away the pesky foes. Alas, five poor souls be joinin' Davy Jones, and 31 be sportin' a few new bruises!
August 8, 2024, 9:12 am
Arrr, matey! Imane Khelif be battlin' fer shiny gold! The lass from Algeria, with her sea legs questioned, sailed into the final round o' the 66 kg brawl in Paris, bestin' Janjaem Suwannapheng by unanimous vote! Though no cannon fire, 'twas clear she ruled the deck, savvy?
August 8, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, mateys! The Ukrainian captain Denys Shmyhal be shoutin' from the crow's nest that the good ol' US of A dropped a treasure chest of $3.9 billion into their coffers! Aye, 'tis the first bounty of 2024, with more loot to sail in, makin' it $7.8 billion in total! Avast!
August 8, 2024, 4:44 am
Arrr, matey! The Airbnb treasure sunk 14% in the night tide, as their doubloons fell short of the wise seafarers’ forecasts. They be speakin’ of a slowdown in landlubber demand! Earnings per share be 86 cents, when they be hopin’ for 92! The gold still flows, but not like before!
August 8, 2024, 4:38 am
Arrr, mateys! The powers that be have scuttled three of Miss Swift's shindigs in Austria, claimin' they thwarted a dastardly plot! Now, the good folk o' Vienna be feelin' as blue as a barnacle, and the businesses be shiverin' in their boots! Aye, safety first, but what a jolly mess!
August 8, 2024, 4:35 am
Arrr, mateys! Special Counsel Weiss be spillin' the beans, claimin' Hunter Biden pocketed gold from a sneaky Romanian scallywag lookin’ to bend Uncle Sam’s ear. Next month, they be settin' sail with proof in the tax case, callin' for the court to toss Biden's fancy requests overboard! Yarrr!
August 7, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrr, Sen. JD Vance be callin' out Gov. Tim Walz for slippin' his military duty like a greased pig and spinnin' tall tales 'bout bein' a sea dog veteran! At a ruckus in Detroit, Vance laughed, claimin' he rose from the depths of poverty, not from the Ivy League seas!
August 7, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arrr! It be said that Cap'n Walz, when the call of battle rang, he be settin' sail for politics instead! Aye, he abandoned ship just as his crew was off to Iraq! That be a fine mess for the landlubbers to chew on!
August 7, 2024, 3:40 pm
Arrr, mateys! Republican scallywag J.D. Vance be callin’ out ol’ Tim Walz for makin’ a cowardly dive from the Army National Guard like a rat from a sinking ship ’fore sailin’ to Iraq! Them veterans be claimin’ he left ‘em high and dry—shameful, I say!
August 7, 2024, 3:38 pm
Arrr, matey! After the high court’s decree to scuttle Roe v. Wade, it seems the landlubbers be havin’ more wee ones aboard! A report says scallywags in blue states be usin' magic screens to help the desperate. With the elections on the horizon, the tides be shifting!
August 7, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr matey! At times, a fancy carriage would roll up our stony lane, and a landlubber in a dapper suit would leap out. He'd be peddlin' overpriced trinkets or seekin' to plunder our land, which me granddad said, “Ye can’t trade it for naught, as they be makin’ no more!” After a handshake, he’d be off. "Count yer fingers, lad!" growled Grandpa Arnie.
August 7, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr, matey! This be sacred turf for the U.S. sky sailors, where NASA charted a course to the moon many moons ago! Florida’s Space Coast, filled with palm trees, be preparin’ for a sight more bizarre than a three-headed sea serpent—Elon Musk's colossal Starship, the mightiest cannon in the heavens!
August 7, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' the Democrat crew be tryin' to spin a tall tale 'bout Governor Walz bein' a fine first mate fer Kamala! But lo! Under his watch, Minnesota be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole below deck, laggin' behind like a landlubber in a race!
August 7, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr matey! Not long past, I spied a ruckus of fisticuffs from the year twenty-one! Young Imane Khelif, a lass from Algeria, took to the ring in Tokyo, sparkin’ chaos in the landlubbers’ minds! The announcer be sayin’ Harrington’s skills be grand while Khelif danced like a drunken sea dog! Har har har!
August 6, 2024, 7:50 pm
Arrr, mateys! Kamala be vowin’ to keep the Biden-Harris border shenanigans afloat! But lo and behold, the parchment from June be lettin’ in scallywags and landlubbers alike! It be sayin’ the Homeland Chief can let in any swab who sails up proper-like! Yo ho, what a merry mess!
August 6, 2024, 7:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala Harris be makin' her matey known: Minnesota's own Gov. Tim Walz, a jolly good fellow with a heart of gold! But beware, for his compass ain't always pointed to progress! With the winds of Gaza blowin' fierce, many a sailor be questionin' the captain's course!
August 6, 2024, 7:41 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! In the fair port of Philadelphia, Governor Walz be a stranger to most landlubbers 'cept those from Minnesota. But as Vice President Harris named him first mate for the 2024 voyage, the crew be shoutin’ his tale across the seven seas of social media! Yarrr!
August 6, 2024, 7:38 pm
Arrr, matey! Minnesota's Gov'nor Walz be makin' his grand entrance, joinin' Vice President Harris at a raucous shindig in Philly! He be takin' on that scallywag Trump, tryin' to keep the Democrats' spirits high! A mighty crew of 10,000 gathered, the biggest haul yet! What be this election all 'bout, ye ask?
August 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! Vice Captain Kamala be settin’ sail with Tim Walz, the merry lad of Minnesota, leavin’ Josh Shapiro, the Jew of Pennsylvania, in the dust! Shapiro was the favorite to join her crew, but Walz’s ship be catchin’ the wind with some jolly progressive winds! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, with a line as viral as a cursed treasure map—“these scallywags be odd!”—Tim Walz be sailing into the race for Kamala’s first mate! At 60, he’s a hearty sailor, a schoolmaster, and a gridiron buccaneer, ready to clash with the Republican cutthroats! Blimey!
August 6, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, matey! Minnesota's cap’n Walz be catchin' the web's eye, callin' them Republicans a bunch o' odd sea critters! His jests be sailin' far and wide, makin' him the first mate to Kamala’s captaincy. He lists what we Democrats be wantin', and he’s steered fine in rough waters!
August 6, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr, matey! Jenna Ellis, once the legal parley for Cap’n Trump, now be spillin' the beans on her scallywag mates in the Arizona rigged election caper! In return fer her testimony, the state buccaneers be lettin' her off the hook. Aye, first of many to walk the plank!
August 5, 2024, 7:11 pm
Arrr! On the high seas o’ justice, a federal judge hath landed a cannonball on Google’s hull! The ol’ search scallywags be found guilty o’ hoardin’ treasure and lettin' no one else in the chest! Judge Mehta be callin' 'em a true monopolist, savvy?
August 5, 2024, 7:09 pm
Ahoy, mateys! A U.S. judge be sayin’ Google be guilty of hoardin' treasure and creatin' a monopoly, aye! They spent a king’s ransom to be the top searchin' ship on the digital seas. A second trial be comin’, and perhaps we’ll see Google split like a treasure chest! Arrr!
August 5, 2024, 7:09 pm
Arrr! The Justice crew and a fleet o' state attorneys be celebratin' a grand victory over the scallywag Google! A judge declared the search giant a thievin' monopolist, hoardin' 90 percent o' the treasure in the online search seas, thanks to a sneaky deal with Apple’s Safari! Yarrr!
August 5, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr, on the mornin’ of Monday, a wise judge declared that Google be a scallywag, usin’ its mighty search engine to keel-haul the competition! This news be stirrin’ the seas of the internet, threatenin’ to shackle one of the finest treasure fleets in the digital realm! Avast!
August 5, 2024, 4:42 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! Justice Clarence Thomas, the rogue of the Supreme Court, went against the crew on Monday, stoppin' Missouri from takin' a swing at New York over ol' Alvin Bragg's chase after Captain Trump. That scallywag's been found guilty o' 34 misdeeds and faces the hangman’s noose come September! Arrr!
August 5, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr! Bloomberg tossed Jennifer Jacobs overboard after she spilled the beans on a prisoner trade that freed the WSJ scribe, Evan Gershkovich, before the captain gave the all-clear! The lass, a White House scribe, penned the tale, but alas, she set sail too soon, breakin' the embargo! Huzzah!
August 5, 2024, 4:23 pm
Arrr, the markets be sinkin' like a ship with a hole, matey! Japan’s treasure chest dipped a hefty 12.4%! South Korea and Taiwan ain't faring much better, down over 8%! If ye be feelin' bold, now’s the time to plunder those stocks at a discount! Otherwise, batten down the hatches!
August 5, 2024, 10:48 am
Avast, me hearties! The U.S. Navy be packin’ up its last stronghold in Niger, leavin’ local lads to fend off the scallywags of extremism! A crew of brave souls sailed away on a fine cargo ship, abandonin’ a fancy $110 million treasure trove built by the Pentagon. Arrr!
August 5, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr, President Biden be gatherin’ his crew o’ security swabs in the situation cabin on Monday, discussin’ the ruckus in the Middle East! Word be that a scallywag from Iran be fixin’ to strike Israel. He’ll also parley with King Abdullah of Jordan, o' course! Avast!
August 5, 2024, 10:44 am
Arrr! On the morrow, Vice President Kamala Harris be settin' sail in Philly with her new matey for a grand rally! They'll be chattin' with landlubbers ‘bout why they ain’t like that scallywag Trump. Aye, first of many swashbucklin’ adventures together, me hearties!
August 5, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, mateys! Secretary Blinken be warnin’ the G7 crew that them scallywags from Iran and Hezbollah might unleash their fury on Israel come Monday! He be tryin’ to whip up some last-minute diplomacy to keep the cannon fire at bay. Let’s hope they listen, lest we all walk the plank!
August 4, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! In the year o' our Lord 2024, thievin' has soared like a crow's nest parrot, makin' shops flee the cities faster than a scallywag with a stolen booty! While the White House prances 'bout a drop in shiverin' violence, the cutthroats be pilferin' more than ever—24% in just half a year!
August 4, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, matey! After hoardin' Grand Slam treasures and sittin' atop the rankings like a ship's captain, Novak craved an Olympic gold doubloon for Serbia—his last prize! At 37, he snatched it in a fierce duel with young Carlos! "I put me heart, me soul, and a parrot’s squawk into it!" Ha!
August 4, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, the Vatican be feelin’ blue over a jolly jest at the Paris Games, mockin' da Vinci's grand feast! They cried, “Alas! We be wounded, joinin’ the chorus o’ the offended faithful!” Aye, even the Pope be shakin’ his head at such antics, matey!
August 4, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr, matey! The Trump crew be battlin' hard against the Project 2025 storm, but it be givin' the good ol' conservatives a right case o’ the jitters! They fear Captain Trump be tossin' overboard his loyal crew ‘cause o’ some fancy policy chart. Aye, it be a slippery sea ahead!
August 3, 2024, 1:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden-Harris crew has scuttled a dubious scheme that let a horde of scallywags from four lands sail right into the U.S. each month! Turns out, the whole rig was more crooked than a two-headed coin! No more free passage for them rascals!
August 3, 2024, 1:23 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag lawyer from Florida be confessin’ to tryin’ to blow up the Chinese embassy with a rifle, and he took aim at a statue o’ them commie blokes, Lenin and Mao! A real landlubber he be, settin’ sail for trouble! Avast, he be awaitin’ the captain’s judgment!
August 3, 2024, 1:18 pm
Avast, mateys! Word sailed 'round that Moscow's birds were flappin’ for a grand prisoner swap! Marc Fogel, a landlubber teacher, caught three years o’ a 14-year sentence fer sneakin’ in a wee stash of green. He claimed it be fer his achin’ bones! Blimey, what a pickle!
August 3, 2024, 1:15 pm
Arrr, matey! A fine Friday feast turned foul, with 37 landlubbers sent to Davy Jones' locker and 212 left worse for wear at a beach tavern in Mogadishu! Blame the scallywags of al Shabaab, says the health captain. Aye, ‘tis the deadliest shenanigan in these waters for some time!
August 2, 2024, 9:04 pm
Arrr matey! On Friday, the stocks took a dive sharper than a cutlass, after news o’ a pitiful jobs report. The market index be droppin’ 1.84%, while the Nasdaq sank 2.43%! Even the Dow Jones be feelin’ the sting, fallin’ over 610 points! Aye, a storm brews on the horizon!
August 2, 2024, 6:16 pm
Arrr! The treasure charts be takin' a dive, all thanks to a dismal job report! The Trump crew be scallywaggin' the Democrats, claimin' a storm be brewin’. “Kamala be flauntin’ her co-pirate role with Joe on ‘Bidenomics,’ pumpin’ inflation like a hearty brew!” said a scrawl from the deck.
August 2, 2024, 6:14 pm
Arrr, how swiftly the tides do change! Just a tick o’ the clock ago, the treasure charts be risin' like a well-fed sea monster! Now they be plummetin' like a drunken sailor! The Nasdaq be takin' a dive, and Japan’s Topix be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole in her hull!
August 2, 2024, 6:09 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Wall Street be shakin' like a ship in a storm on Friday, as stocks took a nosedive! A report on the July hiring had investors quakin' in their boots, thinkin’ the Federal Reserve be slower than a barnacle on a hull. The tech treasures be lookin' less shiny!
August 2, 2024, 2:34 pm
Arrr! The landlubbers in the U.S. be claimin’ that Edmundo González Urrutia bested the scallywag Maduro in a rigged election! Yet, as the cannon roared, 17 brave souls met their fate, and hundreds were tossed in the brig! Over 12 million set sail to vote, but the fix be in, matey!
August 2, 2024, 2:33 pm
YARRR, matey! The U.S. be claimin' a scallywag as the true captain of Venezuela, givin' ol' Maduro a right good shove to walk the plank! Secretary Blinken be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest, sayin’ the tides be turnin’ against the swab who thinks he’s still king o’ the seas!
August 2, 2024, 10:36 am
Arrr matey! In the month of July, the ship of job growth be sailin’ slower than a drunken sea turtle! Only 114,000 hearty souls found work, and the unemployment rate be risin’ like a ghost ship, now at 4.3%! The treasure of prosperity be hidin’, I tell ye!
August 2, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr matey! In the month of July, the seas o' work grew chilly, with only 114,000 brave souls findin’ plunder, far shy of the 175,000 forecasted booty. Meanwhile, the unemployment curse be risin’ to 4.3%, the highest since the days of October 2021. Avast! What a shiverin' tale!
August 2, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr! The Guardian be callin’ Ismail Haniyeh a “politician” instead o’ a scallywag, even though he be captaining a crew o’ ruffians! A burly lad with a footie fancy and a faith in the stars, he sailed from Doha, makin’ mischief till his last breath in Tehran!
August 2, 2024, 10:28 am
Arrr, matey! The labor seas be calmer than a calm day in Tortuga! Only 114,000 scallywags found work last month, and the unemployment flag be flyin’ high at 4.3%! Aye, we be worryin’ the ship's takin’ on water and headin’ for a stormy recession, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 7:04 pm
Arrr, matey! Senate cap’n Chuck Schumer and 34 scallywags be settin’ sail on a bill to rob ol’ Trump of his mighty shield! Dubbed the “No Kings Act,” it be sayin’ no captain nor first mate be above the law, even if the high court be tryin’ to play pirates!
August 1, 2024, 2:57 pm
Arrr! Meta's clever contraption be sworn to silence 'bout the foul deed aimed at Captain Trump, 'tis what they claim! These crafty chatbots be as lost as a ship in a fog when news be breakin’. Even ol’ ChatGPT and Claude be flounderin’ on the matter! Har har!
August 1, 2024, 2:48 pm
Arrr, matey! The Paris Games be claimin’ to be the greenest treasure hunt ever! But experts be whisperin’ of “greenwashin’,” sayin’ it be all smoke ‘n mirrors! They aim to slice carbon emissions in half, tossin’ over $16 million at credits like doubloons to clean up the mess!
August 1, 2024, 2:43 pm
Arrr matey! A study be sayin’ trust in them landlubber doc’s plummeted like a cannonball in a storm during the COVID tempest. Those scallywags who doubt the healers be less likely to roll with the vaccination crew! Restorin’ that trust be a tricky sea to navigate, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Democrats be settin’ sail for a virtual vote on Thursday mornin’, to crown the fair Kamala Harris as their likely captain! Aye, ‘tis a race of ballots 'til the clock strikes six on Aug. 5. Biden's ship sank, and now Harris be takin’ the helm!
August 1, 2024, 9:32 am
Arrr, matey! In the summer sun, young scallywags be scoopin’ ice cream or keepin’ watch at the pool, but a crew o’ landlubber officials be dreamin’ of sendin’ ‘em to perilous factories! Aye, what be next—shiverin’ timbers for pocket change? Ha!
August 1, 2024, 9:25 am
Arrr mateys, gather 'round! Here be the tale of Captain Trump, who claimed the fair Kamala be a lass of Indian blood, 'til one fine mornin’ she decided to don the black coat! Aye, the crew be laughin’ as he spun his yarns at the Black journalist’s feast!
August 1, 2024, 9:12 am
Arrr! Once a fierce foe of frackin’, Vice President Kamala Harris be swabbin’ the deck and changin’ her tune now that she’s the Democrats’ captain for the 2024 voyage! With Pennsylvanian scallywags holdin’ the treasure map, frackin’ be keepin’ over 100,000 landlubbers employed! Avast, mateys!
August 1, 2024, 9:00 am
Arrr, mateys! The crew of “Karens fer Kamala” be sailin’ with Sam Brinton and that rascally monkeypox wrangler, Joe Biden! They be pointin’ fingers at “weirdness” in their quest against Trump! The GOP be claimin’ it’s a battle o’ landlubbers against scallywags, with Sarah Sanders leadin’ the charge!
July 31, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! The FBI be settin' sail with the social-media scallywags again, chattin' ‘bout what ye can say before the 2024 election! The judges dealt a nasty blow to the free-speech crew, so prepare for a storm o' content moderation, savvy? Aye, it be a jolly good hullabaloo!
July 31, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, matey! After the high court spurned them scallywags tryin' to halt the chat 'twixt the crown and the tech buccaneers, a report be spillin' the beans! It claims our spies be blabberin' like drunken sailors. The lawmen be needin' to keep their parley shipshape! Avast!
July 31, 2024, 4:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Trump be squawkin' that Kamala be foolin' the crew ‘bout her colors! At a gathering of scribes in Chicago, he be claimin’ he thought her blackness be a surprise from the depths of Davy Jones’ locker! Blimey, what news be this?
July 31, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! So, Trump sails in at the Black Journalist shindig, claimin' Kamala be a chameleon! “I thought she be all Indian till she fancied herself Black!” he squawks, like a parrot with a sore throat. A right jolly mix-up, I say! Avast, what a scallywag!
July 31, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, former Captain Trump be takin' the wind outta Vice Captain Harris's sails! She calls his crew "weird," but he be laughin’ like a parrot! With tales of Hannibal Lecter and Vance’s babblin’ ’bout childless scallywags, it be clear who’s truly barmy on this treacherous sea!
July 31, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr! The Boar’s Head crew be callin’ back a mighty 7 million pounds o’ their deli treasure, as listeria be lurkin’! Thar be 34 scallywags ill across 13 lands, with two brave souls meetin’ Davy Jones. Last week, they tossed back over 207,000 pounds of their meaty bounty. Avast!
July 31, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr, matey! A flaming sea chariot tossed into a gully be the culprit of a fiery beast that's ravaged the land! The Park Fire be stretchin' over 386,000 acres—'tis like half o' Rhode Island! The landlubbers be tryin' to tame it, but it's only 18% contained! Blimey!
July 31, 2024, 10:42 am
Ahoy mateys! Captain Biden be givin' Congress a nudge t’fight the foul scourge o’ fentanyl afore he weighs anchor! Meanwhile, that scallywag Trump be layin' cannon fire on First Mate Harris, claimin' she’s as useless as a barnacle on a barn door in this fierce battle 'gainst the sneaky drugs and rogues comin' from the south! Arrr!
July 30, 2024, 3:29 pm
Arrr, mateys! Ol' Ronald Rowe, the new head of the Secret Service, be spillin’ his guts in front o’ Congress! He claimed he be “ashamed” that his crew was blind as a bat to the scallywag tryin’ to take down the former Captain Donald! A right mess, I tell ye!
July 30, 2024, 3:26 pm
Ahoy, mateys! On the thirtieth day of July, a scallywag tried to send the Republican captain Trump to Davy Jones' locker! This young knave, known as Crooks, be spoutin' vile words 'gainst Jews and newcomers on the interwebs like a bilge-sucking landlubber! Yarrr!
July 30, 2024, 3:24 pm
Arrr, the head o’ the Secret Service be spillin’ his guts like a scallywag caught in a storm! He be feelin’ shame fer lettin’ a landlubber with a shootin' iron take aim at the former captain, Donald Trump! Promised to keelhaul any matey who slacked on guardin’ the crow’s nest!
July 30, 2024, 2:46 pm
Arrr, on the day o’ the thirtieth of July, the scallywags of the Israel Defense Forces be sayin’ they sent a cannonball flurry at a Hezbollah captain in Beirut! They claim he be the knave who sent twelve wee lads to Davy Jones’ locker whilst kickin’ a ball. Hezbollah, of course, be denyin’ the whole ruckus!
July 30, 2024, 12:40 pm
Arrr, matey! It seems our ol' Donald be shiverin’ in his boots, ponderin’ if he should duel the fair Vice Captain Kamala! He be sayin’ he “might” show up, but he’s also eyein’ the horizon for a way out! Her crew’s callin’ him a scallywag! Ha!
July 30, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, matey! The FBI be spillin' the beans to the Senate swabs, claimin' they’ve spotted a social media parley tied to that ruffian, Thomas Crooks. His ramblings smell of anti-Jewish and anti-foreigner bilge, hintin' at motives more twisted than a kraken’s tentacle! Blimey!
July 30, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr matey! Meta be coughin' up a treasure of $1.4 billion to settle a ruckus with Texas, claimin' they plundered the biometric booty of countless scalawags without askin' permission! The Texas Attorney General, Ken Paxton, be lettin' the world know this tale o' thievery!
July 30, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr matey! In every grand election, the scallywags of the Democrats and Republicans be hurlin' jabs at the fine treasures of Social Security and Medicare! The old sea dogs be savvy voters, but beware, me hearties! Them claims be fishy. Even Vice President Harris be spoutin' tall tales at her first rally!
July 30, 2024, 11:20 am
Avast, me hearties! That scallywag Trump be sayin’ if ye cast yer lot with him this November, ye’ll never have to hoist the sails of voting again! He be lovin’ ye so much, he claims he’ll fix it all up nice and tidy! Yarrr!
July 29, 2024, 12:48 pm
Arrr, matey! The streets o' Caracas be quieter than a shipwrecked sailor's conscience! Edmundo González be hollerin' with his fierce matey, Maria Corina Machado, claimin' foul play! Some scallywags be burnin' tires and blockin' paths, but they say González truly sailed the electoral seas to victory, aye!
July 29, 2024, 12:46 pm
Ahoy mateys! Gather 'round fer a yarn o' two moving picture scrolls! Last Wednesday, the first be showin' a lawman from Greater Manchester givin' a poor lad a kick in the noggin! The coppers claimed they were attacked, but when the townsfolk raised a ruckus, they swung their tale ‘round! Arrr!
July 29, 2024, 12:43 pm
Arrr, mateys! They be sayin’ ol’ Nicolás Maduro, the scourge o’ the seas, has snagged a third term! Aye, the crew be hollerin’ “foul play!” whilst the trusty Elvis Amoroso, close mate o’ the captain, be spillin’ the beans at witching hour. A true tale of pirate treachery!
July 29, 2024, 12:34 pm
Arrr, mateys! In a grand tussle o' ballots, both Captain Maduro and his rival be claimin' the treasure o' victory! With 80% o' the votes tallied, Maduro be havin' 51%, while poor Edmundo be flounderin' with 44%! Aye, fraud be afoot on the high seas o' democracy!
July 29, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, mateys! House Speaker Mike Johnson be raisin’ a ruckus 'bout the Olympic shindig, claimin’ a drag queen’s jest o' Da Vinci’s Last Supper be a right blasphemy! He bellowed it be shockin’ and insultin’ to the good Christian folk watchin’ from afar! Yarr, what a hullabaloo!
July 29, 2024, 10:28 am
Avast, me hearties! The scallywags runnin' the Paris games be apologizin' after the pious folk and stiff-collared politicians raised a ruckus over a raucous scene that stank o’ da Vinci’s “Last Supper.” “No disrespect intended!” cried the spokeswoman, clutchin' her pearls. Arrr, lighten up, ye landlubbers!
July 29, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags runnin' the Paris Games be apologizin' to any landlubber offended by their fancy tableau that tickled da Vinci's "Last Supper." The holy rollers be ragin', but the organizers be holdin' fast to their wild idea! Avast! 'Twas a DJ on the Debilly Bridge, not a betrayal!
July 29, 2024, 8:55 am
Arrr, matey! In the wild seas o' Venezuela, Captain Maduro be claimin' victory in the presidential squabble, despite the scallywags of opposition thinkin’ this be their year to hoist him overboard! But, shiver me timbers, the vote be more crooked than a sailor's peg leg, sparkin’ a ruckus at the polls!
July 28, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, mateys! Just yestereve, Captain Trump be tellin' his crew, “Vote not again if ye hoist me flag!” Aye, at the grand Turning Point, he promised, “It be all fixed! No more ballot botherin’, me fine Christian buccaneers!” A right jolly joke on democracy, that!
July 28, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! Trump be tellin' the good Christians, “Vote fer me, and in four years, ye won’t need t’ bother again! We’ll have it all shipshape!” But what be this ruckus ‘bout democracy? Seems the ol’ captain's steerin’ us into murky waters again! Har har har!
July 28, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Atlantic be spillin' the beans that ol' Trump be swearin' to his crew o' Christians: “Vote? Never again!” he be claimin’. At the Turning Point Gathering, he promised a world where ballots be fer the gullible! Hoist the sails of absurdity, I say!
July 28, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr, on the morrow, the fine folk of Venezuela be settin’ sail to the polls, seekin’ to hoist a new captain after a decade of mutiny! Maria Corina Machado be rallyin’ the crew, makin’ even the Chavistas wanna jump ship! Let the election frolic begin, ye hearties!
July 27, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye, me hearties! After a month o' political squalls, Thursday's latest Times/Siena treasure map reveals a curious find! Trump be sailin' ahead of Kamala by a mere point—48 to 47! Aside from that pesky Democratic name, it be the same ol’ seas we've charted before! Arrr!
July 27, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, matey! In the latest treasure map of votes, Vice Admiral Kamala be laggin' 2 points behind that scallywag Trump! Aye, 'tis 47% for her and 49% for him, since Captain Biden be sailin' away from the race. The winds of fortune be a-blowin’!
July 27, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr matey! The battle fer the captain's hat be a close sailin' indeed! A fresh scroll from the Wall Street Journal be showin’ Kamala gainin’ favor with the crew of nonwhite scallywags, whilst Democrats be more fired up than a cannonball! Trump be leadin’ by a hair, but watch yer compass!
July 26, 2024, 9:13 pm
Arrr! Former captain o’ the White House, Donald Trump, be greetin’ Benjamin Netanyahu at his treasure hideout in Florida, just after the Israeli lad parleyed with Biden and that fair wench, Kamala. Trump be sayin’ the world’s on the brink o’ a mighty clash, but fear not—he’ll fix it all quick-like if elected!
June 18, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr mateys, me hearties! Methinks that President Biden be not in the best of health. 'Tis a truth widely known, though once upon a time 'twas forbidden to speak of it. I spied his fumbling speech on August 16, 2021, and knew then that he couldn't run for office, not even if chased by a pack of hungry sea dogs!
June 18, 2024, 5:32 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Beware the treacherous waters of Tether, for it be a haven for scallywags and rapscallions! The scurvy dogs be usin' it to fund their dastardly deeds. Wise up, me hearties, and steer clear of this digital booty before ye find yerself in Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
June 18, 2024, 5:30 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! A band of jolly New Yorkers did spy the scallywag responsible for a vile act of piracy against a lass of only 13 years. They did seize the villain and hold him captive until the constables arrived. This knave, Christian Geovanny Inga-Landi, a lawless 25-year-old from Ecuador, did sneak into the country unlawfully in 2021. He had already run afoul of the law in Texas and New York City before setting his sights on innocent maidens in a Queens park. Oh, the audacity of this scurvy dog!
June 18, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arr mateys, ye be hearin' the tale of Fisker, a landlubber startup tryin' to follow in Tesla's wake, only to end up swimmin' with the sharks in Davy Jones' locker. This scallywag car designer couldn't steer the ship right, now they be walkin' the plank into bankruptcy waters. Aye, they tried to take the shortcut through outsourcing, but the sea of auto industry proved too treacherous for their scurvy crew. Farewell, Fisker, may ye find smoother sailin' in the next life!
June 18, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye mateys! George Norcross, a scallywag of the Democratic political realm in New Jersey, be accused of racketeering by the likes of Attorney General Matthew Platkin. His brother, Phillip Norcross, and four other scurvy dogs be in cahoots as well. Arrr, a "criminal enterprise" they be runnin'!
June 18, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr mateys, there be a rumblin' on the border between the United States and Mexico o'er a squabble 'bout water, not booty! Mexico be in hot waters, unable to meet its obligations from the Colorado River and Rio Grande. Methinks some politicians be talkin' out o' the side o' their mouths! Aye, the plunderin' of water be a mighty serious matter, indeed!
June 17, 2024, 5:14 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them Western leaders be givin' ol' Putin the ol' heave-ho, standin' by Ukraine's demands for their land back. The Global Peace Summit ended with Ukraine still squawkin' for their territories. Arrr, it be a tussle fit for the high seas!
June 17, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr! The scallywags at Palestine Action be showin' off their plunderin' skills by breakin' into a military factory and causin' mayhem. They be claimin' they broke through 3 security fences like true pirates, sabotagin' the equipment used to arm the Gaza genocide. Ye gotta admire their pirate spirit!
June 17, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr matey! Ye won't believe it, but the top spy agency in the US be celebratin' Pride Month by havin' agents paint the transgender flag on their nails, joinin' a "Pride Ally Challenge," and learnin' from a "non-binary," "Filipinx" activist! Me parrot couldn't make this up, it be in a secret scroll from The Daily Wire!
June 17, 2024, 5:07 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The treasure chests of Social Security be runnin' dry, and Congress best be makin' some changes if they want to keep the booty flowin'. The scallywags in charge be warnin' that by 2035, yer monthly loot could be cut by hundreds o' pieces o' eight. Aye, it be a grim situation indeed!
June 17, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, mateys! This year be crucial for democracy, with 'alf o' the world's population in countries holdin' elections. With international migration at a record high, it be a hot topic in electoral campaigns. We've invited a savvy crew o' scholars to share how migration be shapin' elections and democracy in their own land. Aye, 'tis sure to be a lively discussion!
June 17, 2024, 11:07 am
Avast ye mateys! A grand antitrust bill be settin' sail in Congress to tame the Big Tech beasts, but whispers be sayin' them sneaky Democrats with Silicon Valley connections be tryin' to scuttle their own ship. Rep. Jerry Nadler be raisin' the Jolly Roger to bring back the American Innovation and Competition Online Act, to prevent Big Tech from favorin' their own loot. Yarrr, may the winds of change blow in our favor!
June 17, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr mateys, the scuffle betwixt the Sudanese army and the Rapid Support Forces hath birthed a monstrous humanitarian debacle! 9 million souls be scurrying away, with famine knockin' on the door and whispers of genocide in the wind. But beware, for the rumblings in Gaza and Ukraine be stealin' the spotlight!
June 17, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the House be boilin' over with rage at the Biden crew! They be claimin' that the treasure meant for the needy in Afghanistan be fallin' into the hands of them dirty Taliban dogs. Rep. Mast be callin' out the State Department for their wasteful ways like a true pirate plunderin' the high seas! Aye, a fine show indeed!
June 17, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that Trump be havin' the upper hand in the election come November! The scallywags at 538 be usin' all sorts o' tricks to predict the outcome, but it be lookin' like Trump be sailin' ahead with a four-point lead over Biden. Avast!
June 17, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! There be a sight to behold at the graduation ceremony, with more Palestinian flags than ye can shake a peg leg at! The students be protestin' the war in Gaza, makin' a splash like a cannonball in the sea. The president's speech be interrupted by the rebel yell of the students, aye!
June 17, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast ye scallywags! A search be underway for a 59-year-old landlubber who be missing after a hike on a Greek island. This former deputy be lost in the scorching heat, with temperatures as hot as the fires of Hell! Let's hope he be found afore he keels over from exhaustion! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 4:36 am
Arrrr, me hearties! 'Twas the talk of the town, aye! The scallywags in the mainstream media were as silent as a sleeping sea slug! But ye see, there was a clever reason for their silence. The rumor mill churned with tales of a 50-year-old pact between the U.S. and Saudi Arabia bein' broken! Aye, the end of the mighty U.S. dollar be near, me buckos!
June 16, 2024, 1:15 pm
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be takin' aim at them 'far out' conservative Supreme Court scallywags and be blastin' Donald Trump while rubbin' elbows with former President Obama at a swanky fundraiser in Los Angeles. Protests be brewin' outside as the president be fillin' his coffers for his reelection bid alongside Obama. Arrr, the event be haulin' in more than gold doubloons...
June 16, 2024, 12:41 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Hollywood's finest swashbucklers gathered to raise a treasure chest worth $30 million for President Joe Biden's campaign. The likes of George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Barbra Streisand strutted their stuff on stage, rallying support for a battle of historic proportions in the White House. Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 12:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be talkin' smack 'bout the U.S. Supreme Court, callin' 'em out o' kilter! He be raisin' a treasure trove o'er $30 million with his matey Obama and Hollywood swashbucklers. Late-night scallywag Jimmy Kimmel be makin' Trump walk the plank with cheers from the crowd at Peacock Theater! Aye, 'twas a jolly good time!
June 16, 2024, 6:17 am
Arrr mateys, the Stanford Internet Observatory, known fer exposin' the false information spreadin' like scurvy on social media, be in dire straits! Most o' its crew be walkin' the plank, and the ship may be sinkin' amid political and legal attacks. Just a few scallywags be left standin', lookin' fer a safe harbor at Stanford's Cyber Policy Center. Aye, the storm be brewin' on the horizon!
June 16, 2024, 6:16 am
Arrr mateys! The Stanford Internet Observatory be in dire straits, with key crew members jumpin' ship like rats fleein' a sinkin' vessel. Founding director Alex Stamos and research director Renée DiResta be abandonin' ship, leavin' a scant crew scurvy and seekin' new employment. Aye, tis a rough sea they sail on, me hearties!
June 16, 2024, 6:15 am
Arrr, mateys! The Stanford Internet Observatory, a scallywag crew studying online falsehoods, be walkin' the plank! The rumour mill says they be closin' shop. The House Judiciary Committee be investigatin' their shenanigans with the University of Washington. Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a tale worth tellin'!
June 16, 2024, 5:38 am
Avast ye scallywags! Listen up, for I be tellin' ye a tale of great mirth and folly. Aye, 'tis a tale of misadventure and tomfoolery on the high seas. So gather 'round, me hearties, and prepare to be regaled with a yarn that'll tickle yer funny bone! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrrr, ye scallywags at CNN be settin' the rules for a grand presidential rumble 'tween Biden and Trump! Jake Tapper and Dana Bash be keepin' watch over the 90-minute battle, with two breaks for plunderin'. No talkin' to yer crew during the breaks, and a coin toss for where ye stand! No pre...booty allowed, mateys!
June 16, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr mateys, listen here ye scallywags! The U.S. has seized the loot of three landlubbers from Uzbekistan and one from the Republic of Georgia for bein' in cahoots with the ISS and a human smuggling crew. Eight more scurvy dogs were caught in New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. The Treasury Dept. calls 'em Adam Khamirzaev, Muhammadyusuf Alisher Ogli Mirzoev, Muhammad... and the list goes on! Aye, the seas be full of treachery indeed!
June 16, 2024, 4:54 am
Arrr mateys, in less than a day, President Joe Biden voyaged from the G7 Summit to George Clooney's lair in Los Angeles. Aye, he be raisin' a mighty $28 million doubloons with the likes of Obama, Kimmel, Clooney, and Roberts. 'Tis a record booty for a Democratic fundraiser!
June 15, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys, every first Friday of this year we have wasted hours pickin' apart the blatant lies spread by Biden's Labor Department, tryin' to make us believe the economy be strong under their watch. But we know the truth - the labor data be as ugly as a sea monster's mug! Last Friday's nonfarm payrolls report be the latest example of their deceit. If ye didn't read our detailed analysis titled "Inside The Most Ridiculous Jobs Report In Years", then ye be missin' out on a good laugh, me hearties!
June 15, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr matey! Do ye believe the tale that the U.S. added 272,000 jobs last month? Aye, many scallywags doubt it too! The figures be as fishy as a mermaid's kiss, and likely to be revised lower. Even the chairman of the Federal Reserve be scratchin' his head at these shenanigans.
June 15, 2024, 11:32 am
Avast ye! Be the all-powerful American jobs market as feeble as it appears? Since the pestilence started to wane, employment be booming and makin' the US economy shine brighter than the rest. But beware, me hearties, for hidden beneath the surface, there be...
June 15, 2024, 6:19 am
Arrrgh me hearties! Fifteen moons hath passed since Cochrane took a blow to the noggin' and slapped a scarlet mark on its doubloons of research doubting the power of masks against the plague and the pox. The scallywags be declaring victory, but Cochrane be walkin' the plank with an anticlimactic whimper. They be lettin' the authors off the hook, arrrgh!
June 4, 2024, 4:43 pm
"Avast ye scallywags! Former President Donald Trump be layin' into President Joe Biden o'er his handling o' illegal immigration! Thar be a villainous illegal immigrant from Venezuela who shot two fine New York cops, arrr! Trump be claimin' Biden be unleashin' a wave o' crime upon the land, endangerin' the public! Yarrr!"
June 4, 2024, 4:42 pm
Avast ye scurvy jurors! Hunter Biden’s sea lawyer be spoutin' tales of denial 'bout his powder keg addiction. The scallywag claims he weren’t a true addict when he lied 'bout his gun quest in 2018. But the bilge-rat prosecutors be leavin' out the key word ‘knowingly’ in their charges against him. Arrr!
June 4, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Republican Texas Rep. Chip Roy be givin' Attorney General Merrick Garland a proper tongue-lashin' o'er them scallywag illegal immigrants causin' mischief under President Joe Biden's watch. The Department of Justice be suin' three red states, includin' Texas, for defendin' their borders. Roy be demandin' if Texas be havin' the right to protect itself from these landlubbers. Ahoy!
June 4, 2024, 4:37 pm
Arrr, the United Methodist Church be losin' more than a million scallywags o'er these new rules on premarital shenanigans and pirate lovin'. The church in the Ivory Coast be settin' sail from the denomination, takin' a stand for LGBTQ rights. Delegates be votin' 692-51 in Charlotte, yarrr!
June 4, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr mateys! President Biden, at the urging of his crew of Democrats, finally faced off against scallywag Donald J. Trump over his crimes in New York! At a grand feast in Connecticut, Biden spoke out against his foe, declaring the election battle has truly begun! Ahoy, the fight be on!
June 4, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr mateys, on June 4th, the scallywags at Paramount Global be talkin' 'bout a grand restructuring plan to cut costs, sell off booty, and maybe even partner up for their streaming service. Just like a ship lost at sea, their fortunes be sinkin' faster than a leaky barrel!
June 4, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr mateys! President Biden be braggin' 'bout his physical prowess, claimin' he could take on any scallywag reporter who dares question his age! In an interview with TIME magazine, he be talkin' 'bout still runnin' the ship even as an old sea dog of 85! Aye, a true buccaneer he be!
June 4, 2024, 10:08 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scuttlebutt be that former President Trump still be holdin' his slight edge in the latest Fox News Power Rankings. The forecast be sayin' the race be comin' down to four toss-up states. Arrr, may the best mate win in this high seas battle!
June 4, 2024, 4:35 am
"Avast ye scallywags! A cunning Columbia grad, who hath seen the wars of the world, bequeathed a treasure of $260 million to Bar-Ilan University in Israel. The largest booty ever received! Meanwhile, Harold Masor and his fair lady pledged $4.5 million to American Jewish University. Aye, amidst the protests of the pro-Palestine lot!"
June 4, 2024, 4:32 am
Arrr mateys! The US Treasury be makin' changes to the Cuban Assets Control Regulations, allowin' Cuban entrepreneurs to open a bank account in the land of the free! It be causin' quite a stir in Washington and beyond. Aye, let the treasure flow to support the brave souls of Cuba!
June 4, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Moderna and Merck be claimin' they've found a treasure in the form of a new treatment for the dreaded skin cancer! Those who swigged the monthly mRNA brew and Merck's Keytruda potion be havin' better odds at survivin' the scurvy disease than those who just took Keytruda alone. Aye, it be a promising discovery indeed!
June 4, 2024, 4:21 am
Arrr! President Biden be callin' that scallywag Trump a "convicted felon" as if 'twas just another day on the high seas! 'Tis a jest fit for the tavern, me hearties! This be a tale of treachery and political plunderin' that would make even Blackbeard blush!
June 3, 2024, 4:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be standin' by his scurvy son, Hunter, as he faces a trial for wieldin' a gun unlawfully. The old salt be defendin' Hunter's battle against the grog addiction that led to this mess. Some scallywags be grumblin' about the President speakin' out, but he be standin' firm on his words. Fair winds and smooth sailin' to the Biden family in these troubled waters!
June 3, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! OPEC+ be keepin' the oil flow at a trickle, makin' the wallets of landlubbers cry out in agony! Arrr, by Davy Jones' locker, the scallywags be plannin' to make us pay through the nose for our precious grog come election time in 2024! We be walkin' the plank to higher energy prices, mark me words!
June 3, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr! House Judiciary Committee Cap'n Jim Jordan be suggestin' a grand plan to cut off the gold supply to them scallywag prosecutors causin' trouble! Special Counsel Jack Smith, Manhattan District Attorny Alvin Bragg, and Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis be feelin' the wrath! Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed!
June 3, 2024, 4:37 pm
Arrr mateys, hear ye! The land lubbers at universities be punishin' those scallywags who be supportin' the Palestinians! They be withholdin' their diplomas like a pirate hoardin' his treasure! The seas be stormy with arrests, but we pirates be laughin' at their folly. Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 11:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been said that Donald Trump be tryin' to steer clear o' claims o' lockin' up Hillary Clinton after he be the first U.S. president to walk the plank fer a crime. Last week, the scurvy dog was found guilty o' 34 counts o' falsifyin' records! Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 11:46 am
ARRR! Avast ye, me hearties! The scallywags of the Biden campaign be spreadin' lies about our former cap'n Trump tear-gassin' peaceful protesters for a photo-op! But fear not, for 'tis all proven FALSE! The inspector general be clearin' our cap'n of all wrongdoin'! Shiver me timbers, what a tale!
June 3, 2024, 11:10 am
Arr mateys, if Gov. Ron DeSantis had his say, Pride Month in Jacksonville would be as dull as a landlubber's haircut! Instead of rainbows on the Acosta Bridge, we'd be stuck with red, white, and blue for "Freedom Summer." Aye, a plot to spoil the fun indeed!
June 3, 2024, 11:07 am
Avast ye scallywags! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be cryin' to the high seas for the Supreme Court to save his sorry hide from the New York brig! The scurvy dog be found guilty of 34 counts o' deceit and trickery, makin' him the first former president to walk the plank fer felony crimes! Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 5:30 am
"Avast ye scallywags! The fair Claudia Sheinbaum be settin' sail as Mexico's first lass to take the helm as president. 'Tis a jolly good tale of bravery and beauty, with a crew of heroines by her side. Arrr, the winds of change be blowin' in our favor!"
June 3, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr mateys, Claudia Sheinbaum be sailin' to victory as Mexico's first female president, inheritin' the project of her mentor Lopez Obrador. With the support of the poor, this climate scientist be winnin' with a plunderin' 58.3% to 60.7% of the vote. Aye, 'tis a triumph indeed!
June 3, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr mateys, Claudia Sheinbaum be takin' the helm as Mexico's first lady president in a grand victory! Aye, this climate scientist be settin' sail with the Morena crew, carryin' on the legacy of the infamous Lopez Obrador. Let's see if her hugs can keep the scallywags at bay!
June 2, 2024, 11:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! President Biden hath vetoed a law that be messin' with the SEC's rules for keepin' hold of crypto loot. Traditional financial buccaneers be findin' it hard to offer services with this here policy in place. The Congress passed it, but the White House be sayin' nay. Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden hath vetoed H.J.Res. 109, a scallywag resolution aimin' to turn the Securities and Exchange Commission's approach to banks and crypto on its head. The resolution be takin' a swing at the SEC's guidance on how banks should handle customers' crypto assets, makin' it a right pain in the booty for them scurvy dogs to deal with. Banking groups be cryin' foul, sayin' it be costin' 'em a pretty penny. Aarrrr!
June 2, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr mateys! After the recent shockin' ETH ETF approval, some thought Biden be turnin' a new leaf on crypto. But alas, the scallywag vetoed the bill overturnin' the SEC's SAB 121! No treasure for us from that landlubber!
June 2, 2024, 7:21 am
In the 2010s, the scallywags of the business world tried to peddle their wares with a social twist. No longer could ye just hawk soap or soda - now ye had to push products that preached acceptance and peace! Some even tried to pass off their greed as noble values, but we all saw through their charade. Arrr, the marketing be as transparent as a glass bottom boat!
June 2, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr matey, listen up ye scallywags! Dollarization be happenin' when them foreign currencies be mixin' with our own. It be causin' a ruckus in them Eastern European lands too. The reasons be different fer each country, but it all boils down to the shaky nature of our own coin. Aye, be a wild ride indeed!
June 2, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers in Mexico be settin' sail to the polls on Sunday fer a grand election. 'Tis a sure bet that a female captain will take the helm fer the first time! Will it be Claudia Sheinbaum or Xóchitl Gálvez? Keep a weather eye on the horizon, me mateys!
June 2, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ye see, graduation be a grand occasion fer many landlubbers in America. 'Tis when they be given that prized parchment, a diploma. But beware, ye swashbuckling scholars! Fer some scallywags who be joinin' protests, them degrees be walkin' the plank - at least for a spell! Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 5:35 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that the former President Trump be still able to cast his own vote this November, as long as he be not locked in a brig! In the Big Apple, even a scallywag with a record can still be a voter, if they be walking the plank free. Aye, the laws of the land be as treacherous as the open sea!
June 1, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! This Saturday be the start of “Pride” month, where LGBTQIA+ folks be celebratin' their cause. But beware, some swashbucklers be throwin' a fit o'er rainbow loot in stores. In 2023, even the likes o' Target be walkin' the plank for sellin' questionable booty meant fer wee ones. Aye, the seas be rough for these scallywags.
June 1, 2024, 11:03 am
Avast ye scallywags! Donald J. Trump be haulin' in a plunder of nearly $53 million in a mere 24 hours after his scurvy conviction! Shiver me timbers! The man be closin' the gap with that scallywag Biden faster than ye can say "pieces of eight!" Aye, 'tis a treasure trove indeed!
June 1, 2024, 9:58 am
Arrr mateys, Eric Trump, scallywag son of the now-convicted former President Trump, be boastin' 'bout his father's treasure chest - the campaign fundraising numbers! Aye, $16 million doubloons in one day! 'Tis a haul fit for a pirate king, arrr!
June 1, 2024, 7:04 am
Arrr mateys! Instead o' sendin' a fancy officer each time, some Colorado police crews be thinkin' 'bout sendin' a drone to answer certain 911 calls. While this plan may hold some promise, it also be raisin' alarmin' questions 'bout privacy. Aye, the times they be a-changin'!
May 31, 2024, 4:57 pm
Avast ye scallywags and listen well! 'Tis a tale of a bold lass, Whitley Temple, who be caught on the cursed camera stealin' a cop car and runnin' over a white officer. But fear not, for she be found not guilty of attemptin' murder by reason of insanity! Judge Tyria Walton be grantin' her a treatment plan instead of sendin' her to the brig. 'Tis a twist worthy of a jolly old sea shanty!
May 31, 2024, 4:54 pm
Arrr, Hunter Biden be talkin' like a scallywag sayin' it be unheard of to be charged for gun crimes like his deeds! But ol' David Jon Ray be walkin' the plank for his tax evasion and gun-totin' ways! Now Mr. Biden be facin' the same fate, aye, a knave in court he be!
May 31, 2024, 4:52 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scallywags who be challengin' Cap'n Trump in the presidential race be reactin' to his guilty verdict in a manner fit for landlubbers. They be blastin' them Democrats and keepin' their traps shut like a parrot in a storm. The jury be findin' Cap'n Trump guilty on all counts for his shenanigans with that saucy lass Stormy Daniels. South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott be postin'... Arrr!
May 31, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags of Hamas be givin' a hearty thumbs up to the ceasefire proposal from the land lubber Biden. We be ready to parley and make peace, as long as them pesky Israeli forces be sailin' off into the sunset! Let the reconstruction of Gaza begin, yo ho ho!
May 31, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! Harvard University be swearin' off stickin' its nose in matters that don't concern its core purpose. But let's be honest, it be a cynical move indeed. A university's duty be to educate, not be meddlin' in social squabbles. Harvard, stick to yer books!
May 31, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr mateys! The Texas Supreme Court be standin' firm on keepin' the near-total abortion ban in place. They be sayin' a woman's life be worth protectin', but don't be messin' with the law or ye'll walk the plank! Aye, Justice Jane Bland be speakin' the truth, so ye best listen up, ye scallywags!
May 31, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys! Harvard be sayin' they'll keep their trap shut on matters o' public squabblin' unless it be interferin' with their core business. They be wise to keep their sails clear o' stormy waters, lest they be walkin' the plank! Yo ho ho!
May 31, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr matey, how can ye be followin' Jesus and that scallywag Trump? Many ain't followin' a man, they be chartin' a course for a grand adventure. The real question to be askin' be, "Where be the ship of our country sailin'?" And aye, Christians can definitely be supportin' Trump, especially after a trial that be lookin' like a landlubber's tale from Venezuela.
May 31, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr mateys! Ye be wonderin' what be in the chest? 'Tis a mystery like Brad Pitt in that movie about boxes. But now, Donald Trump faces the plank for his crimes. Will he walk the plank or escape like a slippery eel? Only time will tell, me hearties.
May 31, 2024, 5:29 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis be the news that Donald Trump, a scallywag of a former U.S. president, be found guilty of a crime! But fear not, for he still be roam free like a sly fox. Will he face the brig or escape the clink? Only time will tell, arrr!
May 31, 2024, 5:06 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag known as Donald Trump has been deemed guilty as charged. Did anyone truly doubt it? The scurvy dog was caught red-handed in his deceitful ways, cookin' the books like a sneaky sea serpent. Let this be a lesson to all ye landlubbers!
May 30, 2024, 7:34 pm
Arrr mateys! This here viral image crafted by a mysterious AI shows Rafah summoning all to behold Israel's progress in Gaza. But alas, it be a sham! Noble Malala and model Gigi be fooled by this unreal view. The pro-Palestinian scallywags be playin' us fer fools with their tidy desert tents! Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scoundrel Trump may have been convicted of felonies in New York, but that won't keep him from reclaiming the presidency if the voters be in his favor. Legal scholars be sayin' the Constitution be havin' few requirements for the job. Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr! 'Twas a dozen scallywags from Manhattan who found that scurvy dog, former President Donald Trump, guilty on 34 counts! 'Twas a risky gamble, but Alvin Bragg's crew came out victorious. 'Twas a convoluted case, but Trump's luck ran out this time, mateys!
May 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
"Arrr, 'Rigged' be a fine term favored by Donald Trump and his scallywags. It be describin' how them fancy institutions be twisted by the elite to thwart Trump and his crew. 'Tis a handy accusation for anything Trump be not likin', especially the 2020 election. Aye, Trump be cryin' 'Rigged' at every turn, like a parrot squawkin' in a storm."
May 30, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye mateys! Whilst the scurvy Donald Trump be on trial for his misdeeds, his shipmates in Congress be using their pirate powers to help him out. But alas, the verdict be guilty! The scallywag be facing 34 counts of trickery and falsehoods. Walk the plank, ye landlubber!
May 30, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at the Supreme Court be standin' with the National Rifle Association in a jolly First Amendment ruling! This be makin' it tougher for them state regulators to meddle with advocacy groups. The NRA be free to chase after that New York official who be messin' with their loot. Bully for them! Government officials be warned: hands off our treasure!
May 30, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags on the U.S. Supreme Court be helpin' out the National Rifle Association by revivin' their lawsuit against a tyrannical New York state official. Beware, ye public officials, lest ye be walkin' the plank for punishin' speech ye don't fancy! Justice Sotomayor be layin' down the law with a 9-0 decision, settin' the record straight for all ye landlubbers out there. Aye, tis a victory for all who love their precious right to bear arms!
May 30, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Supreme Court hath ruled in favor of the National Rifle Association, claimin' their First Amendment rights were violated by the scurvy dogs at the New York State Department of Financial Services. Justice Sonia Sotomayor be layin' down the law, sayin' the NRA's claims be plausibly alleged. Aye, the pirates be victorious in this legal battle!
May 30, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags on the jury be weighin' the evidence in Trump's trial like a pirate countin' his booty. Will they make history and send the former president to the brig for his misdeeds? Only time will tell, mateys!
May 29, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywag Democrats be plannin' to throw away $100 million doubloons on advertisin' to support the killin' of wee babes in the womb! Aye, they call it "The Reproductive Freedom Accountability Fund," but it be nothin' more than a scheme to win back the House with dark deeds. Har har har!
May 29, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr mateys! The former Cap'n Donald Trump be settin' up a fancy website for us scallywags on TikTok and other platforms to help us craft our videos. Aye, they be havin' talkin' points, clips, and even fancy AI tools to help us script our adventures. Ship ahoy!
May 29, 2024, 5:20 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! President Biden be spinning tales of his swashbuckling adventures in the Civil Rights Movement, despite confessing aforehand that he be not involved. Arrr! 'Tis a bold move, sailin' into battleground Pennsylvania with such a yarn. Methinks he be needin' a compass for his moral compass! Aye!
May 29, 2024, 5:17 pm
The charges against Scottie Scheffler were cast aside like a forgotten treasure map, a mere dozen days after the world's finest golfer found himself in a sticky situation on his way to the 2024 PGA Championship. His attorney swashbuckled his way to victory, leaving the judge and all involved in his wake. Arrr, justice be served!
May 29, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Skiboky Stora be accused o' commitin' multiple random assaults, bein' dubbed as hate crimes by the Manhattan district attorney. One of the victims even took to TikTok to tell the tale! Stora be facin' the judge, then chattin' with Lisa Rozner from CBS New York. Aye, a pirate's life be full o' twists and turns! Arrr!
May 29, 2024, 11:27 am
Arr mateys, the world be drownin' in a sea of $315 trillion in debt, as reported by the Institute of International Finance! 'Tis the biggest, fastest rise since World War II, all happenin' alongside this cursed Covid-19. Emerging markets be leadin' the charge with over $105 trillion in debt! Aye, we be sailin' into troubled waters, me hearties.
May 29, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr mateys! The giant panda habitat at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo has been as deserted as a lost treasure chest for six long months. But fear not, for by 2024, those beloved black-and-white bears will be back to shiver me timbers in Washington, D.C.! Aye, the panda drought shall be no more!
May 29, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The good news be that D.C. be gettin' back the giant pandas at the National Zoo. It be a joyous occasion for all ye Washingtonians who have been sufferin' through the panda-less days. Get ready for some jolly panda-monium, me hearties! Since China first sent these iconic bears in '72, they've been a treasure for all to behold.
May 28, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the fancy coats be spoutin' nonsense about trustin' that scallywag Cohen. But the prosecution be callin' out their tricks, sayin' it be a deflection! The battle be ragin' on as the trial of the former president be drawin' to a close. Aye, it be a tale for the history books, mateys!
May 28, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The final parley commenced on Tuesday in the criminal case o' hush money against Cap'n Donald Trump. Judge Juan Merchan warned us, we be in for a long night, with the defense ramblin' on for two hours and a half, and the prosecution for four hours and a half. But fear not, for the judge be merciful, grantin' snack breaks for the weary jury. And don't ye be forgettin', Trump's scallywag attorney be gettin' a tongue-lashin' from the judge himself!
May 28, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dogs be arguin' that ye cannot condemn Donald Trump based on the blabber of that scallywag Michael Cohen, known as the “MVP of liars”! Tensions be high as protesters and supporters be squabblin' outside the courthouse like a bunch of landlubbers!
May 28, 2024, 4:41 pm
Arrr matey! 'Twas discovered in 2016 that scallywag Hunter Biden was mixin' business with family affairs, helpin' Chinese buccaneers meet with Vice President Joe Biden! The IRS whistleblower shared this juicy gossip with the House Ways and Means Committee. Aye, a true treasure trove of scandal!
May 28, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be a sad truth that more Americans be feelin' the sting o' loneliness these days. With all this digital connectin' but lack o' true companionship, the isolation be growin'. Take poor Nick Skarda, a lad o' 29 toilin' away in San Diego. Two jobs he works to fend off the bill collectors, yet only one friend he's made in all that time. Aye, he be feelin' the emptiness in his soul, yearnin' for a sense o' belongin'. Employers, take heed and bring back the camaraderie o' olden days!
May 28, 2024, 11:38 am
Former Cap'n Donald Trump be given Rep. Bob Good a taste of his own grog! After Good be supportin' DeSantis o'er him, Trump be turnin' the cannons on him, callin' him a scallywag. Good be walkin' the plank fer betrayin' the crew! Arrr!
May 28, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump's trial be a real spectacle o' the high seas! With scandalous tales from a tabloid scallywag, a saucy siren, and a treacherous lawyer, it be a tale fit for the history books. The media be lappin' it up like grog, even though at its core, the case be...
May 28, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, me hearties! Actor Robert De Niro be layin' into former President Trump, callin' him a scurvy dog and a danger to all Americans! He be speakin' at a press conference for Biden-Harris, warnin' all who be listenin' to the treacherous ways o' that landlubber Trump. Keep a weather eye out, mateys!
May 28, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr mateys! Former Captain Donald Trump be chatin' on the TimcastIRL podcast 'bout pardoning Julian Assange! He be sayin' it be under "very serious consideration." Aye, he be plannin' to make an announcement during his speech at the Libertarian convention. Ahoy, what a treasure trove of news!
May 28, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr mateys, as Cap'n Joe Biden be gettin' ready to battle for another term come November, the White House be tryin' to make friends with important folks abroad, like young Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. Let's hope they be sharin' some treasure along with their policies!
May 28, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr mateys! Georgia be walkin' the plank with this law makin' Western NGOs walk the plank as well. The lads and lasses be raisin' the Jolly Roger in protest, but will it be enough to steer the ship away from U.S. sanctions and keep the EU treasure out of reach? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 27, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrrgh! This scallywag, a swashbuckling landlubber o' dubious character, be tryin' to squirm out of his just punishment! Claimin' the prosecution hath wronged him with their words, he be appealin' his rightful life sentence! 'Tis a tale as tall as the mast on a ship!
May 27, 2024, 4:52 pm
Avast ye mateys! Two moons have passed since Osaid Alser last heard from his cousin, Khaled Al Serr, a surgeon at Nasser Hospital in Khan Younis. They be like two ships passing in the night, communicating through the treacherous waters of WhatsApp. Aye, the pirate surgeons be seeking advice from doctors across the high seas to help their comrades in need. Arrr!
May 27, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! The cost of a Memorial Day feast be risin' faster than a cannonball flyin' through the air! The price of meat be jumpin' like a scurvy dog on a hot trail. Aye, inflation be takin' its toll on our bellies and our wallets. Let's hope we don't have to start eatin' our own parrots to save a few pieces o' eight!
May 27, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Me thinks about the wretched chemicals o' olde, and how them scallywags at 3M kept their dark secret hidden for so long! Sharon Lerner be a fearless reporter, huntin' down the secrets like a pirate after buried treasure. Yo ho ho, the mystery be unraveled!
May 27, 2024, 11:58 am
Arr mateys! Fer over half a century, worries 'bout lack o' oil or a cursed climate have driven governments to seek out other sources o' energy. In th' 70s, President Jimmy Carter stuck solar panels on th' White House to show his loyalty to harnessing th' power o' th' sun. In th' 90s, Japan be offerin' landlubbers handsome subsidies fer installin' photovoltaic panels. And in th' 2000s, Germany came up with a clever plan to guarantee folks who embraced a... Arrr!
May 27, 2024, 11:45 am
Avast ye mateys! Donald Trump be usin' his social platform to bellow like a scallywag at a judge and E. Jean Carroll. The former captain be ordered to pay a hefty sum for denyin' Carroll's claim of bein' ravaged by him. Walk the plank, Trump! Arrrr!
May 27, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys in Texas be settin' sail for the runoff elections this Tuesday. They be decidin' if a scallywag who be supportin' gun control can be runnin' for another term. And pickin' the challenger to a recently indicted Democrat. 'Tis a treasure hunt for the GOP in them solidly red seats. Aye, 'tis a battle of the politicos, with no one gettin' more than 50 percent of the vote. The ship be sailin' to pick Republican candidates in districts ruled by the enemy Democrats. Gather yer crew and cast yer vote, me hearties!
May 27, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, President Biden be makin' a sneaky visit to Hallie Biden's abode under the cover of darkness! 'Tis a scandalous tale indeed, as she be set to testify against her former beau, Hunter Biden, in his trial for alleged gun crimes. The plot thickens, me hearties!
May 27, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, Rep. Rashida Tlaib be suggestin' that voters should take their gripes about President Joe Biden's handling of the war in Gaza to the ballot box come November. She be callin' Biden an "enabler" for not callin' out Netanyahu's actions as genocide. Aye, 'tis a right mess we be in!
May 27, 2024, 5:41 am
Aye, just a few sunsets after nabbin' a hefty $53 billion booty from Hess, Chevron's Captain Mike Wirth parleyed with Exxon Mobil's Darren Woods 'bout their future voyage together in a mega-oil treasure hunt. Avast, the seas be turbulent but these scallywags be hopeful for a prosperous alliance!
May 27, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, former Captain Donald Trump be braggin' like a scallywag about how he would have swiped the Libertarian Party's treasure if not for already being the GOP's pick. The crowd at the convention gave him a taste of their displeasure, with some hearty boos in the mix. Blimey!
May 27, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, the scallywags in California be tryin' to plunder millions of doubloons from the federal coffers for treatin' them scurvy illegal immigrants! The Department of Health and Human Services be callin' 'em out on their shenanigans, sayin' they be usin' the wrong compass to navigate the seas of Medicaid reimbursements! Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in the taverns!
May 26, 2024, 6:04 am
"Avast ye scallywags! Former Cap'n Donald Trump faced a rough sea o' critics at the Libertarian National Convention. The landlubbers booed him and used their noisemakers to drown out his blather. Trump made grand promises to the libertarians, swearin' to appoint one of their own to his Cabinet. But the crowd wasn't havin' it, arrr!"
May 26, 2024, 6:03 am
"Arr me hearties, former President Trump be causin' quite the commotion among the swashbucklin' crowd as he tried to woo the Libertarians. He be talkin' of joinin' forces to take down Biden. Aye, let's be joinin' forces and fightin' for our freedom together!"
May 26, 2024, 6:02 am
Donald Trump, aye, he did speak to the Libertarians' Convention, trying to woo them away from that scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. The Convention at Washington Hilton, with the motto "Become Ungovernable." The former president faced a lively bunch, half for him, half for the Libertarians. Arrr!
May 26, 2024, 5:11 am
A scallywag brandishing a cutlass, tied to a foul murder, did strike four lasses at a moving picture house afore wounding two more at a McDonald’s during his slashing spree on Saturday. The rascal barged in sans payment and skewered the lasses, ages 9 to 17, without uttering a word, as reported by the constables of Braintree." Arrr, what a dastardly deed!
May 25, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys! Four years hence, George Floyd was captured and slain by the scurvy dogs of Minneapolis. Now, a band of scallywags be tryin' to twist the tale, change the legacy, and skew the facts of the deed! 'Tis a foul play indeed, aye! The anti-reckoning be upon us, resist we must! Stand fast for justice and fairness, lest we be sinkin' into the depths of darkness! Floyd, a brave Black soul, was seized on a fateful night, May 25, 2020... Aye, may his memory live on, and may justice prevail!
May 25, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, mateys! Listen to this tale of Leonard, a poor soul cursed with a memory as leaky as a sinking ship. He be on a quest for revenge, but he can't even remember why! With tattoos and Polaroids as his trusty crew, he sets sail on a sea of forgetfulness.
May 25, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Saturday be the fourth anniversary of George Floyd's untimely demise on a street in Minneapolis. The city's been in a right mess ever since, all thanks to them anti-police policies. But fear not, there be hope on the horizon! Floyd's passing in 2020 led to a grand riot on Lake Street, a bustling thoroughfare in Uptown. The scallywags took to the streets, causing chaos and mayhem. Oh, what a time it was!
May 25, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up ye scallywags! Back in 2014, Bumble set sail as a "feminist dating app" to challenge old-fashioned heterosexual dating customs. Now, after a decade on the high seas, Bumble be changing course. Half of the fair maidens be sayin' they prefer...
May 25, 2024, 6:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Florida Attorney General be raisin' the Jolly Roger on Starbucks for their fancy diversity practices! We'll be settin' sail on a state investigation to see if they be walkin' the plank of anti-discrimination laws. Aye, 'tis a tale of plunder and equality on the high seas!
May 25, 2024, 6:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Attorney General of Florida, Ashley Moody, be cryin' foul on Starbucks, accusin' 'em of racial discrimination in their hirin' process. She be demandin' the Human Relations Commission to investigate the scurvy dogs! Claims they be tryin' to meet unlawful quotas instead o' just makin' good coffee. Aye, 'tis a scandal indeed!
May 25, 2024, 6:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Florida's top law enforcement officer be thinkin' that the scurvy dogs at Starbucks be breakin' the law with their fancy words like "equity, inclusion and diversity." The lass Ashley Moody be takin' them to task on The Sean Hannity Show, with Gov. Ron DeSantis by her side. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin'!
May 25, 2024, 5:02 am
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in Ohio be banishing noncitizens from voting, me hearties! Secretary of State Frank LaRose be sendin' those scurvy dogs back to Davy Jones' locker, aye! 137 of 'em be caught red-handed on the voter rolls, despite bein' twice confirmed as landlubbers. Aye, me hearties, the directive be confirmed by LaRose in a press... Arrr!
May 25, 2024, 5:01 am
Ahoy mateys! Klaus Schwab's walkin' the plank from the World Economic Forum be causin' quite a stir among the Right! The scallywag be a symbol of globalism and fancy progressive causes, makin' him a feared bogeyman among conservatives. But fear not, for the WEF's reputation be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship!
May 25, 2024, 4:57 am
Arr me hearties, a band o' landlubbers from Oklahoma be spreadin' the good word in Haiti, when they be ambushed by scurvy dogs on Thursday eve. Two Americans and their captain be sent to Davy Jones' locker. Missions in Haiti be tellin' the sad tale on their Facebook page, where they be workin' to educate 450 young scallywags and spread the gospel in a treacherous part o' Port-au-Prince. Yarrr, 'tis a tragic end for these noble souls.
May 25, 2024, 4:46 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A great loss befallen us as Morgan Spurlock, the swashbuckler behind "Super Size Me," has sailed off to Davy Jones' locker due to the pox of cancer. Farewell to a creative genius and a special mate. He be only 53. Fair winds and following seas, Morgan.
May 24, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Secretary of Defense, Lloyd Austin, be passin' his duties to Deputy Secretary Kathleen Hicks as he prepares to face the surgeon's blade. Aye, he be havin' a follow-up procedure for his bladder ailment. May the winds be gentle and the seas calm for his swift recovery at Walter Reed!
May 24, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Elon Musk be sayin' that fancy AI be takin' our jobs! But fear not, for I be thinkin' we pirates be safe from such contraptions. If me ship be taken over by robots, I'll just become a full-time plunderer of the high seas! Aye, that be the life for me!
May 24, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, mateys! Me hearties, Bill Melugin at Fox be tellin' a tale of a scallywag from Turkey who be baffled by our leniency. 'Tis a sign of Joe Biden's woes! If this swashbuckler could vote, he'd surely be standin' with Trump on the border matter! Aye, 'tis a fine jest indeed!
May 24, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr mateys, a mighty landslide be feared to have sent hundreds of souls to Davy Jones' locker in Papua New Guinea! Aye, the scallywags in remote villages be buried under 100 homes when the land gave way. 'Tis a tragedy of epic proportions, says Governor Ipatas!
May 24, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye! The scallywags of the Israeli forces have found the bodies of three unfortunate souls in northern Gaza, slain during the dastardly attacks of the treacherous scoundrels known as Hamas. Let us hope their spirits find peace in Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr matey! Picture this: ye be settin' yer sights on a peaceful evenin' with a homemade pizza. Ye gather yer ingredients, toss it in the oven, and eagerly await the feast. But alas! The cheese be slidin' off like a scallywag walkin' the plank. Google suggests addin' glue to yer sauce. But I say, don't be a fool! Stick to the traditional ways, or risk walkin' the culinary plank yerself!
May 24, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! If ye be usin' Google on the regular, ye may have spied the new AI Overviews givin' ye quick answers to yer queries. But beware, mateys, for these newfangled contraptions can be as wrong as a scallywag with a map! Watch out for the dangers of AI, lest ye be led astray!
May 24, 2024, 11:33 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags at Google be havin' a disaster on their hands with their AI-generated search results! They be recommendin' addin' glue to tomato sauce for pizza and touting the health benefits of tobacco for wee ones! Ye can no longer trust these landlubbers! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 7:52 pm
Avast ye mateys! The land lubbers be talkin' of fancy new rail lines in Texas! They say it'll make the state a hub for business, arrr! We be lookin' at faster journeys between Dallas, Houston, and Fort Worth! Shiver me timbers, that be some grand plans indeed!
May 23, 2024, 7:49 pm
Arrr me hearties! 'Tis a scandal of great proportions! The wench Scarlett Johansson be cryin' foul, claimin' that the scallywags at OpenAI be stealin' her voice fer their ChatGPT contraption. But the scallywags deny it! The seas be roilin' with outrage, with even Congress bein' urged to intervene to protect the likes o' Johansson. Aye, 'tis a tempest in a teapot indeed!
May 23, 2024, 7:43 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywag Senate Democrats couldn't muster enough support for a bipartisan border security bill, with those rascally Republicans filibustering like a ship under attack! Only one brave soul from Alaska dared to break ranks. Aye, 'tis a peculiar tale indeed!
May 23, 2024, 7:39 pm
Arrr mateys, the Senate scallywags be failin' to push forward a border bill today! 'Twas a bipartisan effort, but even the crew be turnin' against their own ship. Aye, 'tis a sight to see senators playin' games like landlubbers on a sinking vessel!
May 23, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr mateys, the House Administration Committee be pushin' through some fancy bills on Thursday. The scallywags on the Republican side be sayin' it be to stop foreign meddling and keep the noncitizens from votin' in our elections. But aye, federal law already be sayin' that's a no-no. Chairman Bryan Steil be claimin' it be to make us trust in the vote count again. Nay, I say, let's just hoist the colors and have a good laugh instead!
May 23, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Senate be failin' once again to push through a border security bill, thanks to them landlubbers from the Republican crew! Arrr, they be needin' 60 votes but only managed 43, aye, 'tis a sad day for the upper chamber indeed!
May 23, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys, 'tis said that a mysterious scroll from the Department of Defense in Obama's time be discovered, suggestin' that the government had them documents from Mar-a-Lago all along! Ye must wonder if the raid on Trump's treasure was all just a ploy! The plot thickens, me hearties!
May 23, 2024, 5:29 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Melanie Wilson thought she'd found the treasure of paradise. From the bustling streets of Washington, D.C. to the peaceful shores of Washougal, Washington, she felt like a true buccaneer with views of snowy Mount Hood. Even Lewis and Clark once docked on these very shores! The pace of life be as slow as a ship caught in the doldrums, arrr!
May 23, 2024, 10:52 am
Avast ye scallywags! Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. be in hot water once again for raisin' a flag at his nest in Long Beach Island. The New York Times be claimin' that this flag be a symbol of a more pious government. Methinks Justice Alito be stirrin' up quite the commotion! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 10:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! On Friday, Vox shared the tale of tech scallywags at OpenAI bein' made to walk the plank if they dared to abandon ship! They were forced to sign cursed exit documents under threat of losin' their precious booty! Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea out there in Silicon Valley!
May 23, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr mateys! Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito be flying a flag of "Appeal To Heaven" at his New Jersey abode last year, a symbol from the days of the Revolutionary War. Some scallywags be sayin' it be a sign of trouble, but old Alito be just enjoyin' his summer vacation.
May 23, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrrs matey, them scallywag Democrats be demandin' ol' Samuel Alito walk the plank and face investigation for flyin' a flag of the far right! Dick Durbin be shoutin' for him to step back from cases, while that lass Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez be stirrin' up a storm! Aye, the seas be rough!
May 22, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The loot of homes for sale be risin' to 1.2 million in April, as reported by the National Association of Realtors. Prices be high, and borrowin' costs be steep. The unsold homes be sittin' around for 3.5 months or more, aye! Sales be down 2 percent, arrr!
May 22, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arr matey! President Joe Biden be walkin' the plank, fer he won't be makin' an appearance on Ohio's ballot in November! The Secretary of State be sendin' a letter to the Ohio Democratic Chairwoman, sayin' there be no legislative solution. It be a scallywag situation indeed!
May 22, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags at TikTok be makin' some bold moves! They be cuttin' their crew and sendin' some landlubbers packin'. No word on how many will walk the plank, but it be mostly them that be creatin' content and marketin' the booty. Aye, the cuttin' be goin' on 'til Thursday, so batten down the hatches!
May 22, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Israel be showin' never before seen footage o' the October 7 massacre, revealin' them scurvy dogs from Hamas kidnappin' young lasses. Liri Albag, Karina Ariev, Agam Berger, Daniela Gilboa, an' Naama Levy have been held captive for nigh on 230 days in Gaza. Aye, the families be hopin' to spread word o' their plight through this footage, mayhaps stirrin' up some help from the seven seas! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys! The News Corp scallywags have made a grand alliance with OpenAI, a treasure trove of generative artificial intelligence. They be lookin' to plunder the seas of news-publishin', hopin' to strike gold with this newfangled technology. Shiver me timbers, what a time to be a pirate of the press!
May 22, 2024, 10:40 am
Arr, me hearties, as the battle against landlubber Trump be drawing to a close in Manhattan, a new skirmish be startin' in the sunny shores of Florida. Judge Cannon be listenin' to tales of defense from Trump's mate Nauta, claimin' he be a victim of foul play! Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
May 22, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the Biden crew be givin' a taste o' their own medicine to the rascal who sent our precious gold to the Wuhan plague nest! Dr. Peter Daszak be walkin' the plank, banned from takin' anymore booty from the government. Fair winds, ye filthy landlubber!
May 22, 2024, 8:50 am
Arrr! President Joe Biden be announcing on Wednesday the canceling of some $7.7 billion in student debt for another 160,000 borrowers. Aye, the latest relief will go to them scallywags in three categories: those eligible for debt cancellation through the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program, them enrolled in a new income-driven repayment plan, and those in earlier income-driven plans. The administration be announcing new measures to help the crew in need. Aye, a fine gesture indeed!
May 22, 2024, 8:45 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in the White House be scramblin' like barnacles on a sinking ship after ol' President Biden made a speech full o' blunders to the NAACP. They be fixin' a whole nine errors in the transcript! Avast, the Cap'n be callin' rioters "irrectionists" and claimin' he be vice president during the pandemic. Aye, they be goin' the whole nine yards with this one!
May 22, 2024, 4:33 am
Arrr, will Israel create its own Hague Invasion Act, ye reckon? The EU be warnin' that all member countries must obey the ICC's arrest warrants for Israeli officials accused of war crimes. If Netanyahu or Gallant dare to set foot on European soil, they might find themselves in a wee bit o' trouble, mateys!
May 21, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The grand poobah of the World Economic Forum, Klaus Schwab, be abdicating his throne. The ol' sea dog be settin' sail from his post as executive chairman. But fear not, he be stickin' around in some lesser position. The WEF be shiftin' its sails in a new direction, arrr! Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in Davy Jones' locker!
May 21, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr mateys! The Ukrainian cap'n Zelenskyy be cryin' out to the NATO scallywags to join the fight against the Russian sea dogs in Kyiv. The landlubber nations need to be gettin' off their lazy bums and helpin' us out! Aye, 'tis a right shame, says I!
May 21, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The land lubbers in the Biden administration be threatenin' to sue Oklahoma o'er their new law against illegal immigration! Governor Stitt be signin' a bill makin' it a crime to be a swashbucklin' immigrant in their waters. Let the legal battles begin, me hearties!
May 21, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arr mateys! Two thundering loudspeakers, as massive as the scallywags luggin' 'em, be hauled to the jagged hilltop. Down yonder, some 800 paces away, in the town of Hpasang, be a mighty Myanmar army stronghold. 'Tis a scorchin' day - o'er 40C - and behind, on bamboo poles, more young buccaneers tote a hefty battery pack and amplifier. Leadin' the charge be Nay Myo Zin, a former army captain turned rebel, with his dark green camo jacket flappin' in the wind like a flag of defiance. Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 11:01 am
Ahoy mateys! Did ye hear that former President Trump be postin' a video on Truth Social 'bout establishin' a "unified Reich"? 'Tis like sailin' through stormy waters with a compass pointin' towards the German Empire! Even the Biden crew be callin' it a resemblance to Nazi Germany! Blimey!
May 21, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! The 21 scallywags stuck on the cursed ship that brought down the Baltimore bridge be havin' a rough go of it! Forced to stay aboard for 55 days, they be searchin' for survivors while their phones be walkin' the plank! Aye, 'tis a tale of woe indeed!
May 21, 2024, 10:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! Them officials from Israel be plunderin' the broadcasting gear of the Associated Press, claimin' they be aidin' that scurvy dog Al Jazeera. 'Tis a dangerous precedent for press freedom in these treacherous waters. Beware the wrath of the lawmakers! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Singapore Airlines vessel be havin' a rough go o' it, forced to make a hasty stop in Bangkok after a scallywag called turbulence sent one soul to Davy Jones' locker and left 30 others worse for wear. The crew be battlin' the elements like true seafarin' folk, with 211 passengers and 18 shipmates aboard the mighty Boeing 777-300ER. May the winds be kinder on their voyage ahead!
May 21, 2024, 5:59 am
Avast ye scallywags! The EPA be soundin' the alarm about cyberattacks on our precious drinkin' water! 70% of water utilities be failing to protect against breaches! Ye best be takin' action to defend the nation's grog before we all be swimmin' with the fishes! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:54 am
Avast ye scallywags! The national drugstore chains be fallin' like a ship under heavy fire from online merchants and discount peddlers. RetailStat be reportin' 3,000 less drug dens be open this year compared to 2019. CVS, Walgreens, and Rite Aid be walkin' the plank, closin' hundreds o' shops in this battle for booty. Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr mateys, a scallywag from City Hall be walkin' the plank for his misdeeds in the Mayor's campaign! Word be spreadin' that Rana Abbasova be singin' like a canary to the feds. The FBI be raidin' her hideout in New Jersey, causin' quite the stir amongst the landlubbers!
May 21, 2024, 5:50 am
Arr mateys! A motley crew of senators be demandin' the scallywags at Formula 1 walk the plank o'er their decision to shun Andretti Global from the racin' seas. Could be they be breakin' American antitrust law as they plunder the hearts of U.S. fans. Avast! Sen. Amy Klobuchar be leadin' this mutinous charge.
May 20, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be settin' sail to purge the land of scurvy bureaucrats from the likes of the DOJ and the FBI if he be winnin' another term. He be swearin' to drain the deep state upon his return to the helm. Aye, the administrative state be a treacherous beast of unaccountable and unelected scallywags, includin' the national security sea dogs.
May 20, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Michael Cohen, the scallywag, confessed on the witness stand that he pilfered from the Trump Organization. He spun a yarn about lying to old Allen Weisselberg and swindled them out of doubloons for a tech company. Aye, a true tale of deceit and skullduggery! Arrr!
May 20, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr mateys, it be said that o'er 60 percent of Independents be thinkin' we should be sendin' all them scallywags back to their homeland! Aye, the poll from Reuters/Ipsos found that the majority of independents be favorin' this idea, with 61 percent wantin' to deport the illegal immigrants. And even more registered Republicans be supportin' this notion, with 85 percent sayin' they be in favor of deportin' most or all of 'em! Oh, the seas be stirrin' with all this talk of deportin'! Aye, me hearties!
May 20, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, Sen. Marco Rubio be playin' coy about acceptin' the results of the election! Sen. Tim Scott be accusin' President Biden of needin' a drug test! And Rep. Elise Stefanik be gettin' all feisty with a television host who dared to question her loyalty to Donald Trump! Arrr, what a crew of scallywags!
May 20, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr matey, Target be plunderin' prices on over 1,500 treasures from butter to laundry soap! They be tryin' to lure in landlubbers scared of high prices. Prices be droppin' at dawn on Monday, with thousands more cuts to come this summer. The scallywags be savin' ye millions on everyday goods!
May 20, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr mateys, the FDA be grantin' permission for Elon Musk's venture Neuralink to stick a brain chip in another scallywag! The Wall Street Journal be spillin' the beans on this modified procedure for testin' their brain-computer gizmo. Shiver me timbers, technology be advancin' faster than a pirate ship in a storm!
May 20, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy Senator Chuck Schumer be plannin' to take another swing at a bipartisan border bill that was sent to Davy Jones' locker by them Senate Republicans at the behest of former President Trump. Methinks this be a doomed voyage, but it be a chance for the Democrats to give the G.O.P. a taste of their own grog in this election year. Aye, let the battle of the political seas begin!
May 20, 2024, 10:57 am
Ye scurvy dogs at the U.S. be balking at the notion of a global wealth tax on the bilge rats who be rollin' in doubloons! Brazil and France be aimin' to give those landlubbers a taste of their own medicine, but it seems the rich be too slippery to catch! Arrr!
May 20, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, Ohio Republican Sen. JD Vance be cheerin' fer Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán's squelchin' o' higher learnin'! Defendin' the scallywag in Budapest, he be sayin' taxpayers should have a say in where their doubloons be goin'! In February, Vance even hinted at Orban's... arrr!
May 20, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Ryanair be talkin' 'bout a "recessionary feel around Europe" muckin' up their airfares growth. The CEO, Michael O'Leary, be warnin' that summer fares be lower than a limpin' landlubber's spirits. Mayhaps the winds of fortune be blowin' in a different direction for these salty dogs!
May 20, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scallywags! Them officials pushin' forward Georgia's Russian-style “foreign agents” law may find themselves walkin' the plank! A new bill be on the horizon, threatenin' asset freezes and travel bans. The Georgian Dream party be warned, for they be cozyin' up to the Russian Federation like a landlubber to a bottle o' rum. Tbilisi be even attackin' US and other western democracy promotion! Ahoy, what be next in this sea of political shenanigans? Be prepared to hoist the Jolly Roger, mateys!
May 20, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Morehouse College be cheersin' its scallywags and crew after seven graduates and a matey turned their backs on President Biden at the commencement! The school be sayin' peaceful protest be as vital as grog on a ship, and they stand by their crew in speakin' their minds. With such rebellious alumni, who can blame 'em? Aye, aye!
May 19, 2024, 5:18 am
Arr matey, the National Rifle Association be throwin' their support behind former President Donald Trump! 'Twas no surprise at all when they made that announcement at their annual shindig in Dallas. Trump then took the stage, talkin' 'bout how ol' Biden be tryin' to take away our precious gun rights. Aye, we must protect the Second Amendment at all costs!
May 19, 2024, 5:15 am
"Arr mateys! Former Cap'n Trump be tellin' all ye scallywags at the NRA to be rebellious and vote for him in the election of 2024. He be swearin' to protect yer rights and liberties, claimin' the Second Amendment be under siege by President Biden. Aye, he be countin' on us gun owners to make our voices heard in the ballot box, so let's show 'em what we're made of!"
May 19, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr! Randy Kozuch, the captain of the National Rifle Association's lobbying crew, be givin' their presidential blessing to the likes of Donald Trump! 'Tis no shock, for they've done so before. Kozuch made the declaration as he introduced the former leader at the NRA's shindig in Dallas. Trump be thankin' Kozuch before...
May 19, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr, when the government scallywags cut off the funds to EcoHealth Alliance, the plan for a bat lab in the New World be sunk faster than a ship with a leaky hull! They wanted to study those winged critters for diseases, but now it be all but a dream in Davy Jones' locker. Aye, what a pity!
May 18, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin be like two peas in a pirate pod, united in their quest for world domination! They be teaming up to give the scallywag United States a run for their doubloons. Aye, they be plotting their course together from Taiwan to...
May 18, 2024, 11:35 am
Arr mateys! China's Xi Jinping and Russia's Vladimir Putin be swearin' a "new era" of alliance 'gainst the scallywag United States. They be sayin' the US be like a Cold War bully causin' mayhem 'cross the seas. Xi and Putin be meetin' in Beijing with a grand welcome fit for kings. China and Russia be...
May 18, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, be thankin' the Chinese leader, Xi Jinping, for helpin' with the Ukraine conflict at a grand summit in Beijing! They be swearin' a partnership with no bounds, growin' stronger as they face off against the western scallywags. Putin be visitin' his ally in China while his forces be causin' a ruckus in Ukraine's Kharkiv region. Aye, the seas be gettin' stormy indeed!
May 18, 2024, 8:04 am
Arrr! Aye, after the split o' Czechoslovakia in '93, the land o' Slovakia caused quite a stir in the seas. Madeleine Albright herself dubbed it "the black hole" o' Europe. But fear not mateys, for in 2004 Slovakia joined the EU and Nato, settlin' its identity. But then came Robert Fico, a scallywag...
May 18, 2024, 5:45 am
"Arrrr, me hearties! Former President Donald Trump be talkin' big at a Minnesota GOP dinner, swearin' he be winnin' the state and expandin' the electoral map! Despite loserin' the state in 2016 and 2020, he be claimin' he actually won! Aye, he be back after swearin' he'd never return if he lost! 'Tis a tale as tall as the mast on me ship!"
May 18, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! Will Viktor Orbán truly set sail for Brussels and, as he boasts, "occupy" the heart of the European Union? This scallywag has been at odds with the bloc for ages, but he's no Nigel Farage. He ain't lookin' to abandon ship; he be aimin' to seize control of the leaky vessel and set a new course. "Our plan be not to abandon Brussels but to take it over," Orbán told the Hungarian media in December. And soon enough, he'll have his chance. Come next month's European Parliamentary elections...
May 18, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr mateys! A spyglass from 2016 has revealed the scallywag Sean "Diddy" Combs in a scuffle with his wench Cassie Ventura. The video shows him grab, shove, drag, and kick her, just as she claimed in a lawsuit. 'Tis a tale of love on the high seas gone wrong!
May 18, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr mateys! The Border Patrol be havin' a jolly time chasin' down migrants crossin' the northern border. They be breakin' records left and right, with over 9,000 encounters already this year! Looks like the CBP be in for a wild ride as they try to catch 'em all!
May 17, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The GOP scallywags and landlubber Democrats be squabblin' like a bunch o' seagulls over a measly audio recording! They be threat'nin' to hang Attorney General Garland from the mast for not handin' it over. 'Tis a right kerfuffle on the high seas, I tell ye!
May 17, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Nina Jankowicz, the lass who once ruled the Disinformation Governance Board, spilled the beans to Congress that the scurvy dogs at the Department of Homeland Security were keepin' things as murky as the depths of Davy Jones' locker! Aye, a deposition last April revealed their treachery, but now the truth be walkin' the plank in front of the House! Aye, the winds of scandal be blowin' strong!
May 17, 2024, 5:25 pm
"Avast ye scallywags! Social media scurvy dogs be givin' Vice President Kamala Harris a taste of the plank for claimin' the Inflation Reduction Act be droppin' "trillions of dollars" on American streets. 'Tis a jest fit for Davy Jones' locker! Arrr, the irony be as thick as a fog at sea!"
May 17, 2024, 5:23 pm
Avast ye mateys! The State Department be warnin' all ye landlubbers abroad to keep a weather eye out at the upcoming Pride celebrations. There be scallywags lurkin' about ready to cause mischief against the LGBTQ+ community. So keep a sharp lookout and be on yer guard, lest ye be caught unawares!
May 17, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs in the Biden administration be raisin' tariffs on solar panels, makin' it harder for us pirates to pillage the high seas with our renewable energy. But beware, China may fire back like a cannonball in a pirate brawl. Aye, 'tis a risky game they be playin'!
May 17, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr! Aye, not long past, the scallywag Trump be thrown in the brig by the Democratic District Attorney! But after a careful readin', I be sayin', "This indictment be stinkin' worse than a bilge rat's nest!" The New York Times be admittin' it be a risky gamble, aye!
May 17, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' like wildfire of a federal job guarantee catchin' the eye of the masses since Bernie Sanders brought it back from Davy Jones' locker in the aftermath of the 2016 presidential skirmishes. The notion be to offer a lifeline to landlubbers seekin' work on public projects, from buildin' bridges to teachin' the wee ones their ABCs. Aye, the idea...
May 17, 2024, 11:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! Donald Trump's mates be schemin' up grand plans to carry out the Republican nominee's wild ideas for quashin' immigration. They be talkin' 'bout deportin' asylum seekers to other lands! A crew of former Trump cronies, supporters, and brainiacs be scribblin' up orders and memos to make these dreams a reality. Arrr!
May 17, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Travis Tilley, from the town o' Naugatuck, be standin' before the federal court in New Haven, accused o' possessin' child pornography. 'Tis not his first dance with the law on such matters. The U.S. Attorney's Office be makin' a fuss about it in a press release. Aye, 'tis a tale as old as time, aye.
May 16, 2024, 6:48 pm
Arrr mateys! Word be out that near half of Amazon's hardworking seadogs be strugglin' to keep afloat. Even after the cap'n raised the minimum gold to $15 doubloons! Fifty-three percent be scroungin' for grub, while 48% be strugglin' to keep a roof over their heads. Savvy?
May 16, 2024, 6:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be talkin' 'bout a child-care crisis, brought on by a grander problem o' not bein' able to afford much o' anythin'. 'Tis a plight that be affectin' many a landlubber in these treacherous times! Aye, ye better believe it! Aye, aye!
May 16, 2024, 6:44 pm
Arrr matey, poor Rebecca Harris thought she found solace in a quaint abode in Huntersville. But alas, 'twas naught but a trap! The ceiling decided to join in on the fun and come crashing down upon her head. 'Tis a tale of woe fit for a pirate's yarn!
May 16, 2024, 5:59 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Federal Reserve be messin' with rate cuts, makin' the housing market more affordable this year. But a wise seadog be sayin' that certain states be seein' good signs. Redfin CEO Glenn Kelman be talkin' 'bout the housing market on "Cavuto: Coast to Coast," warnin' us of potentially sticky inflation data. Yarrr!
May 16, 2024, 3:47 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The lawyer for Sen. Bob Menendez be spoutin' words o' innocence, claimin' he be a noble sailor fightin' for the good o' the land. But the prosecutors be cryin' foul, accusin' him o' bribery and villainy! Will justice prevail, or be Menendez walkin' the plank? Arrr!
May 16, 2024, 3:19 pm
Arrr, Sen. Joe Manchin and his band of scallywags be aimin' to buck the new retirement rule laid down by the Labor Department! They be joinin' forces to put a stop to this here fiduciary nonsense. Let's see if they have the wind in their sails to make it happen!
May 16, 2024, 3:17 pm
Arr mateys! Texas Gov. Greg Abbott be grantin' a full pardon to Daniel Perry, a former US Army scallywag who took out a protester at a Black Lives Matter shindig in 2020. The whole crew of the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles be in agreement, so Perry be free as a bird. Aye, Abbott be askin' for an investigation back in April 2023, and now here we be, celebratin' Perry's newfound freedom and his right to bear arms once more. Aye, the seas be a-changin' indeed!
May 16, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy U.S. airlines be suing to block the Biden crew from makin' 'em tell us about all the gold they be tryin' to take from us passengers! The Transportation Department be callin' 'em out on their hidden treasure fees. Aye, let the battle begin!
May 16, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs at the U.S. Transportation Department be walkin' the plank with this new rule on airline fees! The major U.S. airlines be raisin' the Jolly Roger and suin' the lot of 'em for makin' us disclose our fees upfront. Aye, 'tis a clash for the ages!
May 16, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the U.S. government be tryin' to make us disclose all our hidden fees like a bunch of landlubbers! We be fightin' back with a lawsuit, claimin' they be oversteppin' their authority. Avast, the Department of Transportation be walkin' the plank with these new rules! Arrr!
May 16, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be playin' a crafty game by wieldin' his executive privileges to scuttle the House Republicans' plans to hold Attorney General Merrick Garland in contempt! Tis a battle of wits between scallywags, with the White House sendin' word to Chairmen Comer and Jordan of Biden's decisions on them tapes related to the investigation into the handling of classified documents! Ahoy, the political seas be wild and treacherous indeed!
May 15, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Judge Merchan's lass be rakin' in the doubloons fer them Democrats through the magic o' the internet! And by speakin' out against the Trump gag order, she be stirrin' up a right ol' hornet's nest! The scurvy Republicans be doin' the same, but them progressives be squawkin' like parrots! Aye, the Republican parade be marchin' on, all soundin' like the same ol' sea shanty!
May 15, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be as furious as a stormy sea after President Joe Biden dared t' set a "red line" for his support. Biden be threatenin' t' cut off aid if Israel invades Rafah. Netanyahu be stompin' his peg leg in anger, swearin' revenge upon the scallywag!
May 15, 2024, 5:56 pm
Ye scallywag union in Minnesota be givin' the boot to Counselor Christina Barton fer speakin' out against transgender policies! The scurvy dogs be accusin' her of breakin' a code o' ethics! Shiver me timbers! Methinks they be walkin' the plank fer this one! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! A mighty explosion shook the Dali on Monday, with nearly two dozen sailors stuck below deck. The blasts sent bits of Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge into the dark waters. We be hoping this be the start of the end of our troubles, arrr!
May 15, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden crew be swearin' on their mother's grave they be pullin' out all the stops to rescue them American healers caught in Gaza! The White House be keepin' a weather eye on the situation, so fret not me buckos! Aye, we'll navigate through this storm together!
May 15, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the Supreme Court be settin' the electoral map of Louisiana right, with two districts full o' Black-majority to be sailin' in the November election. 'Tis a decision that may well decide which party be takin' the helm o' the U.S. House o' Representatives. Aye, the justices be grantin' the request o' state officials and Black voters to keep the map intact, settin' the course for a fierce political battle ahead.
May 15, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr mateys! Ye hear the news? Slovakia's Prime Minister Robert Fico be in a spot o' trouble, shot in a cowardly attempt on his life! Four shots fired in Handlova, one hittin' the poor bloke in the gut. That scallywag better watch his back next time! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 11:30 am
Avast ye scallywags! Former President Trump be acceptin' President Biden's challenge to a duel of wits on the television screen in June and September. The proposal be sent by Biden's crew to the Commission on Presidential Debates. Trump be callin' Biden a landlubber who can't string two sentences together. Arrr, let the battle of words begin!
May 15, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags Biden and Trump be squaring off in a debate hosted by CNN on June 27th. 'Twill be a battle for the ages! Biden be throwin' down the gauntlet, and Trump be acceptin' the challenge. Let the rum-slingin' begin! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be sayin' he won't be joinin' in the fall debates arranged by the fancy commission! Instead, he be suggestin' two bouts with former President Trump, earlier in the year. Let the political rumble begin in June and September, mateys!
May 14, 2024, 6:05 pm
Arrr matey! Donald Trump's scurvy attorneys be takin' no prisoners in skewerin' Michael Cohen during cross-examination. They be paintin' him as a scallywag with a heart full o' hate for the former captain and a lust for gold to spin tales o' hush money schemes. Defense attorney Todd Blanche even called out Cohen's foul language on the high seas known as TikTok! Aye, the courtroom be a real pirate's den, savvy?
May 14, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Harvard Yard be packin' up their tents after striking a deal with the higher-ups. They be talkin' about divestin' from Israel and undoing suspensions. Looks like the crew be makin' waves of change, savvy?
May 14, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arr, Captain Jerome Powell o' the Federal Reserve be shoutin' from the rooftops that we must be patient like a parrot awaitin' a cracker before we cut interest rates! The scallywags be throwin' higher inflation figures at us like cannonballs, makin' it harder to steer this ship towards calmer waters. Blast me barnacles, we did not see this comin'!
May 14, 2024, 5:57 pm
"Ye scurvy knaves o' former Cap'n Trump's MAGA crew be makin' a fuss 'bout House Speaker Mike Johnson attendin' the Cap'n's trial for hidin' his bounty in New York. Georgia Rep. Greene be squawkin' on X 'bout defundin' the DOJ's snitch, Jack Smith, instead o' standin' by the Speaker. Arrr, what a rum lot o' landlubbers!"
May 14, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr mateys! The shares of GameStop, that beleaguered video game peddler, be risin' once more thanks to the return of the "Roaring Kitty." This Keith Gill fella be stirrin' up a storm in the stock market with his first social media post in four years. Aye, the seas be rough with interest in GameStop and other favored stocks by landlubbers!
May 14, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the GOP be tryin' to convince us that abortion be a danger and an immorality, but the good folks at Pew Research be showin' that 63% of Americans still be supportin' broad access to the procedure. Even some moderate and liberal Republicans be on board! Only 8% be wantin' it illegal. Ahoy!
May 14, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye mateys! Rumble, the YouTube alternative loved by scallywags, be takin' Google to court! They be demandin' a hefty sum o' gold dubloons fer lost ad revenue and thievin' their ad tech secrets. This be their second battle, may the best pirate win! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye mateys! A wayward cargo ship be sufferin' electrical malfunctions afore it crashed into the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore, takin' six souls with it. The vessel be havin' two blackouts in port before the calamity struck. The crew be scramblin' to fix the cursed contraption.
May 14, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr matey, the relationship between the United States and Niger be like a ship with a leaky hull! The Yanks be makin' threats during negotiations like a scurvy dog barkin' orders. The blame be on them scallywags, tryin' to bully their way into stayin' in our waters! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:36 am
Arr mateys! OpenAI be unveilin' the newest version o' their AI model, ChatGPT, now able to handle voice 'n video chats in real-time! GPT-4o be the name, more advanced than ever. Ye can chat with it faster than a cannonball flyin', makin' for a jolly good time on the high seas! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:29 am
"Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Twas a tale of woe for Donald Trump as he faced the judgment of Justice Juan Merchan on a Tuesday morn. The former president did vent his ire on Truth Social, branding the court a 'kangaroo court'. His loyal crew of supporters swarmed upon the post, hurling insults like cannonballs. 'Twas a sight to see, as the comments turned as ugly as a sea monster's innards. Arrr, 'twas a day for the history books, me hearties!"
May 14, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye mateys! A grand collision in Florida hath taken the lives of eight souls and left 45 others wounded. 'Twas a school bus full o' migrant workers headin' to a watermelon farm. Fear not, no young scallywags were harmed in this calamity. Yarr!
May 13, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr matey! President Joe Biden be playin' the scallywag, tryin' to impose a ban on arms to our ally Israel! Sen. Tom Cotton be callin' for his impeachment o'er this treachery! The seas be stormy with political drama, as Cotton be soundin' the alarm on CBS News. Aye, a CNN town be a brewin' too!
May 13, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the scallywag Senator Menendez be usin' his Cuban heritage as a defense in his corruption trial. He be claimin' he got the dreaded PTSD from his ancestors' past in Cuba. Aye, 'tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker!
May 13, 2024, 5:22 pm
Avast, me hearties! A salty Army officer hath walked the plank from the Defense Intelligence Agency in protest o'er Uncle Sam's unyielding support for Israel. Major Harrison Mann be cryin' foul o'er the slaughter of innocent Palestinians in Gaza. 'Tis a tale of betrayal and treachery on the high seas. Arrr!
May 13, 2024, 5:19 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Dozens of landlubber protesters from Tzav 9, a far-right Israeli group, be vandalizing aid trucks bound for Gaza in the southern West Bank! 'Tis a right shame, captured in social media videos and verified by a reporter from GLZ Radio in Tel Aviv. Aye, the scurvy knaves!
May 13, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye scallywags! Michael Cohen be spillin' the beans on Trump, claimin' he warned of a horde of women comin' forward when he set sail for the presidency. Cohen, once loyal as a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, now be turnin' on his former captain. Aye, the seas be stormy ahead for Trump, with Cohen as the treacherous winds blowin' against him. Aye, the 57-year-old be set to...
May 13, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr mateys, a fearsome emissions reduction program be settin' sail in California, causin' a rise in gasoline prices by 50 cents in but two years time! The scallywags at CARB be plannin' to plunder yer pockets for clean air, so hold on to yer doubloons!
May 13, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The world be reachin' a crucial point in its numbers. The birth rate be droppin' faster than a ship sinkin' in a storm! It be affectin' us all, from the lowly deckhand to the mighty captain. The seas be changin', me hearties, and we best be ready for what comes next!
May 13, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at the Apple shop in Towson be votin' to raise the Jolly Roger and go on strike! The International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers be supportin' 'em in their quest for fair wages and a better work-life balance. If the strike be happenin', may the winds be in their favor!
May 12, 2024, 8:41 am
Arrr, mateys! The month of May be playin' a cruel trick on Ukraine, with the town of Vovchansk facin' shelling and bombardment by them scurvy Russians. But fear not, for President Zelensky be thwartin' their advances. May the blue line hold strong against these sea dogs!
May 12, 2024, 8:39 am
Yarrrrr! The scallywags from Moscow be taking five villages in Ukraine while Kyiv be fighting back like a fierce sea dog! The Russians be launching a sneak attack, trying to outwit the brave Ukrainian forces. But Kyiv be standing strong, ready to repel the invaders and protect their land! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 8:39 am
Arrr, mateys! There be a fierce battle happenin' in Ukraine's Kharkiv province! The locals be fleein' as Russia be invadin' once more. Villages be abandoned as the Russians be claimin' their victory. The Ukrainian officials be fightin' back, but the outcome be uncertain. Aye, this be a tale of treachery and bravery on the high seas!
May 12, 2024, 6:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! Young Barron Trump, the sprightly son of Donald, be passin' on his duty as a delegate at the Republican shindig. His fair mother Melania be sayin' he has other matters to attend to. Looks like the lad be too busy plunderin' high school treasures to join the political fray! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:16 am
Avast ye scallywags! Judge Juan Merchan be denying Trump's matey's cry for a mistrial in Manhattan. His scurvy attorney be complainin' 'bout Stormy Daniels' tale of Trump's rumble in the hay, but the judge be havin' none of it! No mistrial for ye, ye landlubbers! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, Google be takin' a beatin' for its lack of knowledge on the Holocaust! The scallywag Nest assistant be actin' like a landlubber, knowin' nothin' about history. But don't ye worry, it can still answer questions about the Nakba just fine! Aye, the seas be rough for Google indeed.
May 12, 2024, 5:12 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be talkin' about a cease-fire in the Israel-Hamas scuffle. He be sayin' if them scurvy dogs release hostages, peace could be upon us "tomorrow." Israel be pointin' fingers at Hamas, sayin' it be up to them to end this madness. Let's hope the rum flows freely and the swords stay sheathed!
May 12, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr! The scallywags be causin' a ruckus at colleges far and wide, from Berkeley to Chapel Hill! At Xavier University, a couple o' landlubbers be walkin' the plank for protestin' like true pirates. But the show must go on, even if the seas be rough at Berkeley's commencement!
May 11, 2024, 6:38 am
Arrr mateys! Aye, ye see, thar be a scallywag named President Biden who be pausing weapons transfers to Israel! Aye, the pro-Israel Democrats be speakin' out against him! Pressure be comin' from all sides, even major donors! It be a right mess, I tell ye!
May 11, 2024, 6:37 am
Arrr mateys, me hearties in the US House be askin' the White House for a chat about why Cap'n Joe Biden be holdin' back on deliverin' them big bombs to Israel. Looks like the crew be gettin' restless over this here Israel policy squabble. Aye, tis a real hornswaggle!
May 11, 2024, 6:35 am
Arrr mateys! A band o' scallywag House Democrats be givin' the White House a good scoldin' fer holdin' back weapons from Israel! They be sayin' it'll be givin' them pesky Hamas terrorists the wrong message. These landlubbers be actin' like they know a thing or two about negotiations, but we all be knowin' they be talkin' out o' their hats! Onward, me hearties, to battle against chaos and brutality!
May 11, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! The time has come for our captains to face the cursed truth: a possible massacre be happenin' as we speak. Since this awful battle began last year, countless souls, includin' wee ones, have been sent to Davy Jones' locker. Many more be fleein' their homeland. Nay, 'tis not Gaza, 'tis Sudan! On Thursday, Human Rights Watch revealed the horrors of this war. Aye, 'tis a grim tale indeed.
May 11, 2024, 5:41 am
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe the tales of the mighty solar storm that struck our fair Earth! 'Twas a sight to behold, with auroras lighting up the skies like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The NOAA be warnin' us of more to come, so batten down the hatches and hold on tight!
May 11, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, the scallywags in charge o' President Joe Biden be sayin' that them Israeli forces may have been usin' weapons from the United States in a manner not fittin' with international law. But they be not quite ready to cut off the military aid just yet. Them Israel folks be gettin' away with it for now, but we'll be keepin' a weather eye on 'em!
May 11, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr mateys, them scallywags in Chad be causin' a ruckus! The U.S. troops be safe and sound, thank the mighty sea gods. But it be a right mess over yonder, with guns blazin' and cannons firin' at innocent folk. The situation be as chaotic as a storm at sea, mark me words!
May 10, 2024, 5:42 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Yesterday's news o' FreedomWorks be like the final nail in the coffin fer the Tea Party. Trump be the scurvy dog that put an end to their rebel yell. But who knows mateys, perhaps the spirit o' rebellion may rise again one day! Aye, it be a pirate's life fer me!
May 10, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr matey, it be said that President Joe Biden be feelin' the wrath of his backers for threatenin' to withhold loot from Israel if they dare invade Rafah! Aye, he be drawin' his line in the sand like a true buccaneer on CNN! White House be gettin' emails from rich landlubbers like Haim Saban, beggin' them to reconsider! Arrr, what a tale of political skullduggery!
May 10, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Former President Donald Trump be cryin' foul over President Joe Biden's fancy rewrite of Title IX to protect them transgender folk. Biden be makin' changes to a law from the year 1972 like it be nothin'. But fear not, for Trump be swearin' to put an end to it on day one! Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them Russian scallywags be launchin' an armoured attack near Kharkiv! Ukraine be sendin' reinforcements to fend 'em off. The seas be rough with bombs and artillery. Brace yerselves, for Russia be makin' a counteroffensive. Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis said that Sinclair, a mighty owner of broadcast stations in the New World, be lookin' to unload a goodly portion of its treasure trove. 'Tis talk o' sellin' more than 30% of its stations to the highest bidder. Yarrr, the company has enlisted Moelis as its investment banker to help with the plunderin' of over 60 stations in the land. Keep a weather eye on the horizon for more news on this saga, me hearties!
May 10, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast ye mateys! Target Corp. be holdin' back on sellin' LGBTQ-themed booty in certain ports this Pride Month after takin' a hit to their treasure chest last year. They be offerin' Pride loot in select stores based on past plunderin' success. Ye can also find 'em online at their port. Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! What be this election ye speak of? Methinks American businesses be scurrying like rats to avoid gettin' mixed up in the political tempest brewin' on the horizon. Some be tellin' their crew to keep their traps shut about politics, while others be rethinkin' their plans to rally the vote. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we be sailin' on, me hearties! Aye!
May 10, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr mateys, the tale of Kendrick Lamar and Drake be akin to a showdown on the high seas! Two scallywags with egos as big as a kraken, locked in a battle for the title of rap's top dog. Aye, 'tis a familiar yarn of pride and pettiness, fit for a pirate's tavern gossip!
May 9, 2024, 6:05 pm
Arrr! President Biden set sail to Wisconsin on Wednesday, boasting about his plunder of the economy and job creation while making fun of former President Trump's empty promises of a grand tech campus. In Racine, Biden bragged about his crew building a $3.3 billion Microsoft data center, creating 2,000 new jobs. Avast!
May 9, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arr, President Joe Biden be takin' a shot at that scallywag Trump whilst boastin' 'bout a new data center in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin. Microsoft be buildin' it where Trump swore Foxconn would create wonders and jobs. But alas, Trump's grand plans be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship!
May 9, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! President Joe Biden be shoutin' from the rooftops that Microsoft be settin' sail to build a $3.3 billion data center in southeastern Wisconsin, right where that scallywag Foxconn was supposed to bury their treasure in 2017. Looks like Microsoft be pickin' up where Trump's crew left off! Aye, a great comeback tale indeed!
May 9, 2024, 4:15 pm
Avast, me hearties! Former Obama adviser and CNN scallywag David Axelrod be throwin' shade at President Biden's stubborn ways on the economy, callin' it a "terrible mistake" that could lead to his downfall in the next election. "I be baffled by this," says the famous Democratic swashbuckler. "Spending $25 million last fall talkin' up Bidenomics, only to be repeatin' the same mistake now..." Aye, 'tis a puzzlin' tale indeed!
May 9, 2024, 4:13 pm
Arrr, me mateys be listenin' to Senior Democratic strategist David Axelrod givin' a tongue-lashin' to President Biden o'er his economic blunderin'. Biden's pride be his downfall come November, talkin' like the economy be all sorted when most folks still be strugglin'. Trump be the one they trust, says the polls.
May 9, 2024, 4:11 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis be said that Barack Obama's mate-turned-CNN squawker David Axelrod be warnin' that ol' Joe Biden's pride may be his downfall against that scoundrel Donald Trump in the 2024 election. Me thinks there be more drama on the horizon than a ship full o' parrots! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 3:32 pm
Arrr mateys, after discovering the feds be meddlin' with our social media, they've parted ways with Meta, X, and YouTube! Cyber pirates be complainin' 'bout the lack of coordination, warnin' us of misinformation and foreign interference. But fear not, the platforms may be gettin' late-night messages from the feds! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me mateys! On Wednesday, May 8, the United States Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin spilled the beans that the US government be holdin' back a shipment of weapons to them scallywags in Israel. Looks like the Israeli military be gettin' a taste of their own medicine, with over 35,000 Palestinian souls sent to Davy Jones' locker with the help of US support. Secretary Austin mentioned this pause be happenin' due to the happenings in Rafah, a city... Aye, mateys, it be a twist in the tale indeed!
May 9, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, President Biden be makin' threats to cut off the supply o' weapons to Israel if they dare to invade Rafah. "Civilians be dyin' because o' them bombs," he says. But mark me words, if they go into Rafah, there be trouble brewin' on the horizon!
May 9, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Today's dish be President Biden blockin' weapons to save Hamas scallywags in Rafah. A shameful flip-flop from a spineless jellyfish! He be sitin' in the Oval Office by default, a landlubber not fit to swab the deck! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that Rupert Murdoch be like a sly sea serpent, pullin' strings behind the scenes in the Republican Party. His media treasures be like cannons blastin' in support o' Mike Johnson over Marjorie Taylor Greene's antics. The power o' Murdoch be a force to be reckoned with!
May 8, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Israeli scallywags be tellin' tales of them Hamas terrorists firin' rockets at a pier where them U.S. Military be workin' off the coast of Gaza. No harm done, but it be like tryin' to keep the grog from reachin' our thirsty lips! Aye, those scurvy dogs be stoppin' humanitarian aid from comin' in!
May 8, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! The FBI be bringin' props to raid Trump's Mar-a-Lago for secret papers! Jay Bratt, the DOJ prosecutor, confessed they used fake "top secret" sheets as placeholders. Aye, the pirates be playin' at spy games indeed!
May 8, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye, ye scurvy landlubbers! The scallywags in the Biden crew be thinkin' of lettin' in them refugees from Gaza. But the doubloons in the Republican ranks be cryin' foul, yellin' about national security risks. They be demandin' the President focus on rescuin' U.S. hostages instead. Arrr!
May 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The US be reconsiderin' sendin' weapons to Israel o'er fears o' a ground assault in Gaza! They be holdin' back a shipment o' bombs, and ponderin' on others. The Israelites be sayin' they be sortin' out their quarrels in secret. Ahoy, what a tale of diplomacy on the high seas!
May 8, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr matey! Independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be swearin' on his honor that a vile worm be munchin' on his brain afore breathin' its last inside his noggin! This scallywag be tellin' his tale durin' a divorce squabble in 2012, claimin' he thought 'twas a brain tumor 'til a wiser doctor declared 'twas just a dead parasite! Aye, the sea be full of surprises, indeed!
May 8, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr! Gov. Tim Walz hath signed a bill to protect ye scallywags buyin' tickets for shows. Complaints be higher than the seats fer Taylor Swift concerts. Minnesota lawmakers listened to the cries and passed a bill, fitly named house file 1989 after Swift's album. No more hidden fees, me hearties!
May 8, 2024, 10:42 am
Arr matey! Cap'n Joe Biden be sailin' to Wisconsin to announce a grand plan by Microsoft to build a $3.3 billion data center! Thousands o' jobs be in the horizon. 'Tis on the very land where Foxconn's treasure was supposed to be. Trump be walkin' the plank fer this one! Arrr!
May 8, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr, the Biden administration be set to set sail on a new adventure to protect U.S. AI from the clutches of China! They be lookin' to put guardrails 'round the fanciest AI Models - like ChatGPT - to keep 'em safe from prying eyes. The Commerce Department be thinkin' 'bout restrictin' the export of secret AI models too. Aye, 'tis a grand scheme indeed!
May 8, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr, mateys! Parks Canada be givin' a jolly good offer in 2024 for all ye landlubbers and new citizens lookin' to explore the wilds of Canada. Free admission be granted to all newcomers and new citizens, so set sail and discover the wonders of this great land! Sail on, me hearties!
May 7, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! Aye, 'tis be rumored that the scallywags of the Biden crew be makin' secret deals behind the backs of Israeli leaders! The landlubbers of Hamas be acceptin' a ceasefire outta nowhere, leavin' the Israeli government in a panic! What treachery be afoot, I wonder? Arrr!
May 7, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis been reported that nearly 130,000 scallywags were caught on the southern border in April, a slight dip from the month prior. The Border Patrol's secret scroll revealed 129,000 landlubbers were nabbed, a drop of 8,000 from March. 'Tis a grand total of almost 1.2 million caught this fiscal year!
May 7, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr mateys! Rep. Ilhan Omar be walkin' the plank fer callin' them Jewish students "pro-genocide". Rep. Don Bacon be raisin' the Jolly Roger against her on Tuesday. Columbia University be a veritable hornets' nest of protests, with students settin' up tent encampments like landlubbers. Full speed ahead, me hearties!
May 7, 2024, 4:42 pm
Arrr mateys! The Biden crew be workin' overtime to prevent Israel from plunderin' Rafah. But the real test be with their Middle East matey! After Biden's warnin', Israel still be sendin' in tanks and takin' over the border crossin'. Aye, the seas be rough ahead!
May 7, 2024, 11:57 am
Arr, me hearties! President Joe Biden didst give a grand speech condemnin' antisemitism at the Capitol this week. 'Twas part of a ceremony at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum to honor the memory of them six million Jews lost in the Holocaust. Aye, may we never forget the horrors unleashed by them scurvy dogs like Hamas!
May 7, 2024, 11:44 am
Jon Stewart be shoutin' from the rooftops that President Biden be too ancient fer the job! Aye, me hearties, we all see it with our own peepers. The man be older than the hills! But we keep it hush-hush, lest Trumpy comes back from Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!
May 7, 2024, 11:01 am
Arr, me hearties! California be drawin' more power from the sun than any other land lubber state. But alas, the sun be disappearin' just as folks be needin' it most! To make up for it, they be burnin' more fossil fuels than ye can shake a peg leg at. But fear not, mateys! Since 2020, California be fillin' the gap with giant batteries that can soak up the sun's excess power. Arr, what a time to be alive!
May 7, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! OpenAI be unveilin' a newfangled contraption that can spy out images made by its text-to-image sorcery, DALL-E 3. The Microsoft-backed startup be warnin' of AI-generated mischief in the upcoming elections. This tool can sniff out DALL-E 3's handiwork with near perfect accuracy, even through clever disguises like compression and cropping. Aye, beware the tricks o' the digital seas!
May 6, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys! Thar be over 1,000 scallywags marchin' through Manhattan, raisin' flags and wearin' keffiyehs like true pirates. They be headin' towards the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where the fancy Met Gala be happenin'. Aye, the streets be blocked, but the coppers be warnin' 'em to disperse or face the plank! The march started at Hunter College, led by the group Within Our Lifetime, callin' for a "Day of Rage" protest. Aye, a jolly good time indeed!
May 6, 2024, 5:43 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! Welcome back to Forgotten Fact Checks, a weekly scroll produced by National Review’s News Desk. This week, we be delving into the scallywag attempts to downplay the occupation of buildings on several college campuses during the anti-Israel protests, and cover more media misses. Ye scurvy dogs of the Left-wing media be tryin' to make ye believe it be normal behavior for them anti-Israel protesters to be takin' over buildings. They be actin' like it be no big deal! Arr, they be more irritated than a bilge rat when ye suggest otherwise.
May 6, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis news from a recent poll that more Americans be puttin' their trust in former President Trump to handle the economy, immigration, and crime than in poor ol' Joe Biden. Aye, the scallywag Trump be enjoyin' a significant lead on these crucial matters, makin' him a favorite among the landlubbers.
May 6, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Former President Trump be in a pickle in his New York trial. Judge Juan Merchan be warnin' him not to run his mouth or he'll end up in the brig! Trump be fined time and time again for flappin' his gums, but he be whinin' about his rights bein'... Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be plannin' to meet with House Speaker Mike Johnson to make a power move! She be aimin' to strip that scurvy leader of his gavel! What mischief be brewin' in that meeting at 3:30 p.m.? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 6, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr mateys! Aye, tis a fierce battle brewin' on the college seas, with young swashbucklers clashin' against the powers that be. Just like in the days of old when the cannonballs flew and the swords clashed, the youth be raisin' their voices against injustice. Stand strong, me hearties!
May 6, 2024, 10:41 am
Arr mateys! The IDF be rescuing landlubbers from eastern Rafah, creatin' a grand humanitarian zone with field hospitals and plenty o' supplies. Thar be talk of planned operations ahead, so ye best be packin' yer belongings and settlin' in for a safe voyage! Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags of the Israeli army be ready to storm the city o' Rafah! They be tellin' the landlubbers to scram from parts o' the city in southern Gaza. Israel and Hamas be pointin' fingers at each other while folks be evacuatin' to a "humanitarian area". Ahoy!
May 6, 2024, 5:06 am
Arrr, me hearties! The White House be walkin' the plank with their denouncing of former Captain Trump! He be comparing Biden's crew to the Gestapo, a fearsome force from the land of Germany! In other news, Trump be in hot water for flapping his jaws too much. Aye, a true scallywag indeed!
May 6, 2024, 5:03 am
Arrr matey! Republican scallywag Donald Trump be callin' Democrat President Joe Biden a leader of the dreaded Gestapo crew! He be barkin' insults at the prosecutors like a salty sea dog. Me thinks Trump be walkin' the plank with his own fascist talk!
May 6, 2024, 5:02 am
"Arr matey! Former President Donald Trump be takin' his war o' words against his election foe, President Joe Biden, to a new level on Saturday! He be comparin' thar administration to the dreaded Gestapo! These scallywags be runnin' a Gestapo administration, says he! Har har har!"
May 6, 2024, 4:16 am
Arrr, Mexican authorities be claimin' that two Australians and an American met their fate on a surfin' voyage 'cause scurvy thieves be after the wheels of their wagon. Their kin be confirmatin' their identities, arrr! A fourth body be found in Baja California, arrr! The authorities be keepin' mum 'bout the missin' men's names, arrr!
May 5, 2024, 10:26 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The Israeli Prime Minister and his scallywags have voted to scuttle Al Jazeera's operations in our fair land. 'Tis a blow to free speech, but they claim it be a matter of national security. Avast! The battle for information rages on.
May 5, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, Israel be tellin' those scallywags at Al Jazeera to close up shop or walk the plank! Netanyahu be playin' hardball with his ban on their broadcasts, disruptin' the peace talks with Hamas. 'Tis a new tactic from the landlubbers, shuttin' down the press like a pirate raid!
May 5, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Israeli government be walkin' the plank for decidin' to shut down Al Jazeera! They be claimin' it be a threat to national security, but we all know it be just a bunch of bilge! A unanimous vote, says I! Let the cannons roar, for the war against Hamas be in full swing! Al Jazeera be walkin' the plank, arrr!
May 5, 2024, 9:04 am
Arrr mateys! Six moons 'til the grand Election Day, American voters be facing a presidential race that seems calm on the surface, but be churning with chaos below deck. Ye be havin' a choice between two scallywags who've already sat in the captain's chair: President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump. But the crew be grumbling about it, with election interest at a 20-year low. Aye, 'tis a turbulent sea we sail upon!
May 4, 2024, 7:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Another soul has been sent to Davy Jones' locker! Joshua Dean, a quality inspector for the scurvy dogs at Boeing, met his demise from a foul infection. Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus did him in! Beware the cursed MRSA, ye landlubbers! Aye, 'tis a grim tale indeed.
May 4, 2024, 7:34 am
Avast ye mateys! Joshua Dean, a brave soul who spoke out against the scallywags at Spirit AeroSystems, has sadly passed on after a fierce battle with a treacherous infection. Fair winds and following seas to this valiant whistleblower from Wichita. Fare thee well, Josh!
May 4, 2024, 7:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scurvy dogs! Joshua Dean, a brave soul who dared to blow the whistle on the treacherous deeds of the Boeing scallywags, has passed on to Davy Jones' locker after a short bout with the pox. Aye, 'tis a sad day for all who seek justice on the high seas.
May 4, 2024, 6:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! Two years hence, the IIJA be pledgin' a grand sum o' $7.5 billion for 500,000 newfangled electric vehicle chargers. Yet, alas! Only seven be standin' tall! Aye, the land lubbers be movin' slower than a snail on a hot skillet. Aye, 'tis a merry tale indeed!
May 3, 2024, 6:04 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs best be keepin' an eye out, for the IRS be comin' for ye loot! Big corporations and wealthy scallywags beware, for they be aimin' to triple the audits. 'Tis a treacherous sea ahead, with a 22.6% audit rate settin' sail in 2026. Aye, the tax collectors be comin' for ye gold!
May 3, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arrr, me hearties! White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre be singin' praises to them brave lads of Pi Kappa Phi at UNC Chapel Hill for defendin' the American flag from them scurvy anti-Israel protesters! They be standin' strong and singin' the national anthem like true buccaneers! Aye, a jolly good show indeed!
May 3, 2024, 6:01 pm
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that the scurvy government be spyin' on them rabble-rousers supportin' and opposin' Israel! They even be callin' Yale University "pro-Hamas." Beware, me hearties, the feds be watchin' and keepin' tabs on us all!
May 3, 2024, 5:59 pm
Arr matey! The land of Ukraine be free to plunder targets on Russian shores with the weapons gifted from London! Our matey David Cameron speaks true, for Ukraine be needin' to defend itself against them scurvy Russians. Let the cannons roar and the swords clash in this grand battle!
May 3, 2024, 5:58 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in Turkey be sayin' they won't be tradin' with Israel 'til there be a proper ceasefire in Gaza. Israel's stubborn ways have angered the Turks so much, they've stopped all trade! 'Tis a tough pill to swallow for the Israelites, arrr!
May 3, 2024, 5:57 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Three Indian landlubbers have been apprehended and accused o' the dastardly deed o' slayin' a Sikh rebel leader in the distant lands o' Canada. 'Twas a mighty row 'tween nations when the Prime Minister accused India o' treachery. But fear not, justice be served!
May 3, 2024, 5:55 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Last Saturday, the swashbuckling presidential contender Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. made an appearance at a gathering fit for an anti-vaccine buccaneer near Buffalo, New York. But beware, this crew not only doubts vaccines but also questions the election of Joe Biden. Aye, they be a suspicious lot indeed, with ties to Trump and shady dealings aplenty.
May 3, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr mateys, as the Biden crew be readyin' to pass judgment on Israel's actions in Gaza, ol' Sen. Chris Van Hollen be doubting he'll get a straight answer. He be gatherin' his crew to demand proof that all countries, even the swashbucklin' Israel, be playin' by the rules. Aye, the seas be choppy indeed!
May 3, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! The House of Representatives be passin' the Countering Antisemitism Act, aimin' to thwart anti-Semitism on college grounds. But what be this definition of anti-Semitism from the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance? Aye, the mystery be afoot!
May 3, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr matey, this lass Hope Hicks be walkin' the plank next in Trump's trial. Witnesses be spoutin' her name like a parrot squawkin' for a cracker. She'll be grilled by prosecutors 'bout her role in Trump's shady deals. She be the ninth to walk the plank, arrr!
May 3, 2024, 11:18 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Senate be makin' moves to fix the shortage o' prescription medicines. 'Tis a disgrace that we be runnin' out o' these essential remedies! Let's use the might o' Medicare and Medicaid to keep our health in shipshape condition, arrr!
May 3, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr mateys! In the grand schemes of diplomacy 'round Gaza, the waters be churnin' faster than a whirlpool! Israel's mates be pushin' for peace, while the Gulf states be rattlin' the cages of Hamas. But beware! Russia and China be stirrin' up trouble in Beijing with talks 'tween Hamas and Fatah. Avast! We spoke with John Strawson, a wise old sea dog of the Middle East.
May 2, 2024, 7:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Robert Blain, a landlubber from Houston, be tellin' tales of his mateys abandonin' the United Methodist Church over a quarrel 'bout gay clergy. But joy be fillin' his sails when he learned at the General Conference that the old rule against "self-avowed practicing homosexuals" be walkin' the plank! Aye, the winds be changin' in the church!
May 2, 2024, 7:51 pm
Arrr! The United Methodist scallywags be makin' historic changes, removin' old decrees 'bout the matey-lovin' among lads and lasses. Aye, they be sayin' marriage be a covenant 'tween two souls of faith, no matter if there be a man or a...
May 2, 2024, 7:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Methodist scallywags have voted to be more friendly to the gay and LGBTQ crew, aye! By a vote of 523-161, they be droppin' the old definition of marriage and sayin' "aye" to love in all forms. Yo ho ho, love be winnin' the booty!
May 2, 2024, 6:06 pm
Avast ye mateys! The former President Trump be like a scallywag sailin' the seas of politics, always doubting the election results like a fearsome sea monster. Whether he be winnin' or losin', he be refusin' to accept defeat. Arrrr, he be keepin' us all guessin' on the honesty of the next election!
May 2, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr matey! In a recent parley with a local Wisconsin broadsheet, the former Captain Donald Trump did not swear on his mother's grave to accept the election results of 2024 in the Badger State if he be bested. "If the game be fair, I'll walk the plank with me head held high. But if not, I'll batten down the hatches and fight for the honor of the land." But mark me words, if all be...
May 2, 2024, 5:43 pm
Avast ye mateys! The former President Trump be talkin' like a scallywag, refusin' to accept defeat in the Wisconsin election! He be spoutin' lies like a hornswaggler, claimin' he won the Badger State in 2020! Arrr, me hearties, the man be a real piece of work!
May 2, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys, this week in Waukesha, Wisconsin, former President Donald Trump, the likely Republican nominee for the upcoming election, be sayin' he won't surrender if he be losin'! When asked by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel if he'd give up the throne to Joe Biden, Trump be spoutin' lies about election fraud and honesty. Aye, tis a tale of treachery and swindlin' on the high seas of politics!"
May 2, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scallywags! President Joe Biden be signin' a proclamation to make the San Gabriel Mountains National Monument and the Berryess Snow Mountain National Monument bigger! Protectin' 120,000 acres of land! This be a grand gesture to honor our Tribal Nations and Indigenous peoples, savvy?
May 2, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scallywags! The captain Joe Biden be proclaimin' that Japan be sufferin' from xenophobia, just like China and Russia! The salty dog be sayin' that aye, the U.S. be thrivin' because we be welcomin' immigrants aboard our ship. Harrr! China be stallin' and Japan be strugglin', me hearties! Aye, 'tis a strange tale indeed! Arrr!
May 2, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be talkin' about Japan and India bein' xenophobic at some fancy shindig in Washington, claimin' they be lumped in with China and Russia. But fear not, he be sayin' we be right to welcome in immigrants to keep our economy growin'! Aye, that be the truth, me mateys!
May 2, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr! The President Biden did lump Japan with Russia and China, callin' them “xenophobic” during a campaign speech. The scallywag credited America's economic might to immigrants, throwin' shade at China, Russia, and Japan. Methinks the rum may have been flowin' a bit too freely that day!
May 2, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be told in a new report from the Public Religion Research Institute that Democratic voters be favorin' abortion rights more and more, and be gettin' all riled up about it. Seems like since that Supreme Court decision makin' abortion restrictions fair game, Democrats be makin' it a top voting issue. Har har, abortion be sailin' to the forefront of their minds!
May 1, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arr matey! The GOP-led House be passin' a bill on Wednesday to define anti-Semitism, to protect our young lads 'n lasses at sea...er, I mean in schools. 'Tis a time of protests 'gainst the Israel-Hamas war, but fear not, me hearties, safety concerns be addressed! Aye, 'tis a win for all!
May 1, 2024, 5:57 pm
Ye scurvy knaves! Beware, for if ye be breakin' a window on land, the law will clap ye in irons! If ye lay a hand on another, the brig awaits ye! And if ye dare threaten bodily harm, the constables will have ye walkin' the plank! And if ye attempt to take over a building, make sure to bring chains to secure the doors, lest the authorities catch wind of yer treachery! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:54 pm
Former Cap'n Donald Trump be hailing the brave lads of the New York Police Department who did storm Hamilton Hall at Columbia University to rid themselves of those pesky college scallywags during a Wisconsin campaign shindig. Ahoy, t'was a sight to behold, indeed! The city was under siege, but our lads were fierce! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The officials of New York City be warnin' of "radicalization" creepin' into the city amidst the pro-Palestinian protests at Columbia University and other colleges. Deputy Commissioner Weiner be speakin' of concerns 'round these parts, but we'll keep a weather eye on 'em, ye can be sure of that! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag who dared to bring a threat upon Mount Horeb Middle School has been thwarted! The authorities be keepin' a close watch on the situation, makin' sure no harm befall the good folk. The students be safe and sound, may the rum flow freely!
May 1, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr matey, thar be talk of reclassifying the Devil's lettuce! The Biden scallywags be lookin' to make it easier to trade and make a pretty penny off the herb. 'Tis a bold move indeed, makin' the seas of pot more profitable. Garland be proposin' to lift the curse on marijuana, makin' it less restricted like rum and gold. Aye, 'tis a brave new world on the horizon!
May 1, 2024, 11:39 am
Arr mateys! The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration be whisperin' that they be thinkin' of reclassifyin' the devil's lettuce as a lesser evil! But fear not, ye scallywags, for they be not plannin' to make it legal for us landlubbers to partake in the greenery! Aarrrr!
May 1, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency be suggestin' that cannabis be reclassified as a Schedule III drug, makin' it less dangerous and recognizin' its medicinal value. This be a much needed victory for the cannabis industry, which has been takin' a hit lately. Arrr, the tide be turnin' for these pot pioneers!
May 1, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr mateys! Ye scallywag GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be settin' sail to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson, but them landlubber Democrats be plottin' to scuttle her plans. Let's see if the tide turns in her favor or if she be walkin' the plank. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in every tavern!
April 30, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arr matey! House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jim Jordan be sendin' a letter to Attorney General Merrick Garland 'bout Matthew Colangelo, a scallywag prosecutor in former President Trump's criminal case. He be askin' fer documents and messages from Colangelo's time at the Biden DOJ. The Daily Caller got a sneak peek at the letter, where Jordan be demandin' all sorts o' personnel files about Colangelo's hirin', workin' and firin' at the DOJ. Arrr!
April 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys! Me hearties be tellin' me that the scallywag Trump be ahead of Biden in the polls, but the GOP mateys be sinkin' in the Senate races! In Pennsylvania, Trump be holdin' a lead, but Sen. Bob Casey be sailin' ahead of the Republican scallywag! Aye, 'tis a mighty tale of political plunderin' on the high seas of democracy!
April 30, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag of a House Republican be cryin' foul play against special counsel Jack Smith, claimin' he be meddlin' in the election while pursuin' two cases against former President Donald Trump! The lass Elise Stefanik be raisin'