September 12, 2024, 3:34 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at the Massachusetts Institute o' Technology be sayin’ their fresh-faced crew be less diverse this year, thanks to the Supreme Court’s decree last summer. Dean Schmill be spillin’ the beans that only 16 outta a hundred be Black, Hispanic, or other fine folk. Avast!
September 12, 2024, 3:31 pm
Arrr, matey! The latest scrolls reveal that since the high court be raisin’ the anchor on affirmative action, Black enrollment be takin’ a nosedive at some fine schools! Some places be seein’ wild ups and downs, while others be sailin’ smoothly. Aye, the seas of education be rough!
September 12, 2024, 2:35 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywag Weinstein be in a pickle, charged anew but the details be locked tighter than a treasure chest! The court be buzzin’, but he be missin’, havin' a heart scare fit for a landlubber! His lawyer claims he be still as weak as a shipwrecked sailor!
September 12, 2024, 2:29 pm
Arrr mateys! We be freebooters of truth, unshackled by the scallywags o' the mainstream! While they peddle their divisive drivel and hide the treasure of corruption, we hoist the flag of honest reporting! Join our crew at The Post Millennial, and let’s plunder the seas of political correctness together!
September 12, 2024, 10:59 am
Ahoy, mateys! This here November, a bounty o' abortion measures be settin' sail on state ballots, tryin' to guard the rights o' fair lasses! But scallywags be stirrin' trouble before the cannon's fired, with legal tricks and threats galore. In Missouri, the landlubber secretary tried to scuttle a measure, yet the court be forced him to hoist it back up!
September 12, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, a wealthy sea dog and a clever tinkerer be the first landlubbers to brave the vast black sea o' stars! Jared and Sarah, clad in fancy suits, took their merry stroll outside the SpaceX ship. "Home be a busy port, but down yonder, Earth be a right bonnie sight!" said Jared, grinning.
September 12, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, matey! Kamala Harris be lackin’ the needed traits fer a fine captain! Picture a landlubber from a century past, plunderin’ our time. After gaping at them swirling meat logs of gyros, ye tell him ‘bout a rogue sailor runnin’ for the crown, a scallywag with a felon’s mark! "Well, shiver me timbers..."
September 12, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr, the morn after Labor Day, the polls be blarney, with Trump and Harris caught in a scuffle as fierce as a knife fight in a cramped cabin! Young Hadley Duvall be munchin’ her grub in Arizona, lookin’ as calm as a cat on a sunny deck, ready to set sail for battle!
September 12, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! A motley crew o' election swabs be shoutin' from the crow's nest 'bout the Postal Service bein' slower than a barnacle-covered ship! Ballots be showin' up later than a landlubber at a rum party! They penned a message to Captain DeJoy, warnin' him o' the storm brewin'!
September 12, 2024, 5:21 am
Avast, me hearties! An Ohio swabbe be tellin' Trump to haul anchor and stop usin' his lad's tragic demise for political treasure! Young Aiden met Davy Jones 'cause of a bus mishap, not some scallywag from Haiti! Keep yer hands off, ye landlubber!
September 12, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! That scallywag Laura Loomer, claimin' to be a “journalist,” be lurkin’ 'round Captain Trump like a barnacle on a ship! Spotted disembarkin’ his vessel on debate day and hauntin’ him on 9/11, makin’ some landlubbers uneasy! She be as brash as a parrot, fer sure!
September 12, 2024, 5:00 am
Arrr, matey! Ten bold nations be soundin' the alarm on them scallywag Russian hacking tricks aimed at Ukraine and her mates. For Estonia, one of the fine crew, this be a grand ol' treasure of a milestone! Avast, let the world know!
September 11, 2024, 3:46 pm
Arrr, moderatin' a presidential squabble be a right thankless task, matey! In this stormy seas of politics, it be a slippery plank where none be pleased! But hats off to ABC's David Muir and Linsey Davis, who danced the line like true swashbucklers in Tuesday’s ruckus ‘twixt Kamala and Trump! Aye!
September 11, 2024, 3:45 pm
Arrr, mates! In a raucous clash o' titans, Trump and Harris sparred like scallywags in a tavern brawl, battlin' over gold, sea lanes, and whatnot! In a wild 90 minutes, they tossed barbs like cannonballs. The BBC crew be investigatin' the treasure they dug up!
September 11, 2024, 3:43 pm
Arrr, they be sayin' it be nigh impossible, aye! For years, we’ve heard tall tales 'bout why fact-checkin’ in the heat o' battle be a folly! Moderators ain't no truth-tellers, they claimed, and it’d muddle the jolly debate! Impartiality be the name of the game, or so they squeaked! Har har!
September 11, 2024, 3:41 pm
"Arrr! No scallywags be abandonin’ me gatherings!" bellowed Trump, clashin' swords with Kamala. "They ain't fleein' from boredom or weariness!" Yet, mates, those reportin’ landlubbers be spyin’ many a soul slippin’ out early, likely seekin’ a frothy grog instead o’ Trump’s long-winded tales!
September 11, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! 'Tis been twenty-three long years since the fiercest raid struck the shores of America! “Never Forget,” they be sayin’, but for the heartbroken kin, 'tis a chant of sorrow, not just words! As they tipple in remembrance, they be awaitin’ a judge’s decree on their treasure hunt for truth!
September 11, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, when the scallywag Haniyeh met his doom by a sneaky boom in Iran, the seas of the Middle East turned turbulent! Israel be blamed, yet it be playin' coy like a cat with a mouse. What be next, ye ask? States pickin' off their own like fish in a barrel, I reckon!
September 11, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, 'tis been 23 years since America be witnessin' the mighty towers tumble like a ship in a storm! Nineteen scallywags from far-off lands commandeered four fine vessels, sendin’ 2,977 souls to Davy Jones’ locker. Yet brave hearts rose, like Todd Beamer and his crew, thwartin’ the dastardly plot!
September 11, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr, with a bit o' help from ABC, Kamala be claimin' victory in the debate in Philly! The moderators be checkin' Trump’s facts like a ship’s crew checkin’ for leaks, but let her sail through with wild tales 'bout guns and health plans. Blimey! What a ruckus on the high seas o' politics!
September 11, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr, mateys! The mighty court o’ Missouri be settin’ sail to let the landlubbers vote on a notion to restore the fair practice of abortin’ wee ones! With over 250,000 scallywags signin’ the petition, 'tis time for a raucous ballot in November! Avast, let the people decide!
September 11, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, mateys! Ol’ Trump be sayin’ he’d spin the reporters like a sailor on a stormy sea! While his crew of advisers be chattin’ in the spin room, he swaggered in after battlin’ Harris, claimin’ he be the fiercest captain to sail the debate! Aye, what a jolly jest!
September 11, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr, Vice President Kamala, with the wind at her back, set sail to sink Captain Trump on the debate deck! The ABC scallywags be checkin' his tales while lettin' her slip by with naught but foggy hints on governin'. They clashed 'bout treasure, seas of life, and distant lands!
September 11, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, mateys! Taylor Swift be throwin' her compass to Kamala Harris right after the ruckus 'twixt Trump and his crew! In a jolly scroll on the ‘gram, she be callin' herself the "Childless Cat Lady," takin' a jab at that scallywag Vance. She be sayin', "I be votin' fer a true sea dog!"
September 10, 2024, 4:57 pm
Arrr, on a fine Sunday morn last February, young James Malatras be getting a jolly ol’ missive from the once mighty Governor Cuomo! “Now that the squall be passed, how be ye faring, matey? Talent always be winning, aye! Fair winds, Andrew!” Aye, the tides be strange!
September 10, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr, matey! Thar be a spot o’ sorrow where George Floyd met his fate, now a shrine fit fer mermaids! Cup Foods be reborn as Unity Foods, and the cursed curb be bloom’n with wildflowers! Aye, the scorched gas station turned into a parley spot fer wayward souls!
September 10, 2024, 2:02 pm
Arrr, listen ye scallywags! If ye be blind to the gossip, them Russians be meddlin' in the land o' the free once more! Aye, 'tis a sport all the world’s rogues be playin’, throwin' coins at elections like it be a game. But will ol' Vlad’s treasure pay off this time, or be it just more bilge?
September 10, 2024, 1:58 pm
Arrr, matey! The top swab of the third-party crew, a green-thumbed lawyer kin to old sea dogs of the left, has jumped ship! He’s now rallyin' 'round the flag of a landlubber president who'd scuttle the seas! Oh, the irony be thicker than grog in a barrel!
September 10, 2024, 10:00 am
Arrr, mateys! Kamala be hoistin' her policy sails just two sunsets before clashin’ with Trump the scallywag! Critics be callin’ her as clear as murky waters since she set sail for the White House in July. The winds be a-changin' as the election draws near! Avast!
September 10, 2024, 9:55 am
Arrr, matey! Trump’s crew be laughin’ heartily at Kamala’s fancy “policy page.” They say, “She’s charted a ‘New Way Forward’ after four years of shipwrecks in the White House! What be she smokin’?” A right jolly jest, indeed! Avast, let the election games begin!
September 10, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be the first time Vice President Harris be addin' her schemes to the website since Captain Biden hoisted the white flag and backed her ship 50 days past! Her treasure map be divided into four jolly sections for fair winds and safe harbors! Yarrr!
September 10, 2024, 9:19 am
Arrr, matey! It seems ol' Trump be raisin' his flag for the green herb, callin' it less fierce than a kraken! Even his rival, Kamala, be joinin’ the merry crew! ‘Tis a grand turnin' o' tides when both captains be seekin' to free the leaf! Avast!
September 10, 2024, 3:45 am
Arrr, matey! A ruckus be brewin' 'round the rumor mill, sayin' Haitian swabs be snatchin' critters for their supper! But fear not, the local constables declare this tale be as wild as a three-legged sea turtle. No furry pâté makin' on their watch, savvy? Har har!
September 10, 2024, 3:41 am
Arrr, matey! Nay, ‘tis but a tall tale! A lass from Canton, Ohio, be nabbed fer torturin' and feastin’ on a feline—yet her roots be planted in the good ol' U.S. No scallywags in Ohio be munchin’ on their furry mates! Hoist the sails o’ truth!
September 10, 2024, 3:31 am
Arrr, matey! The web be buzzin' like a hornet’s nest 'bout a wee Ohio town! Even the scallywag Musk be tossin' his hat in the ring, claimin' 20,000 Haitians be munchin' on pets! “Vote for Kamala or yer critters be on the menu!” he squawked, savin' ducklings and kittens! Ha!
September 10, 2024, 3:29 am
Arrr, mateys! In a jolly speech at the National Conservativism shindig, VP hopeful JD Vance be tellin’ the crew to set sail for Springfield, Ohio. Aye, he’s yapped 'bout that wee town before, warnin’ it’s swarmin’ with more scallywags than a treasure chest o’ doubloons!
September 9, 2024, 2:48 pm
Arrr, matey! Gather 'round, ye scallywags! If ye be seekin' treasure, beware the kraken's tickle! For every gold doubloon ye find, a parrot might steal yer biscuits! So hoist the sails, keep yer cutlass sharp, and remember—don’t trust a fish with a wig! Har har har!
September 9, 2024, 2:45 pm
Arrr, on the morrow, China be givin' Germany a jolly good warning! They be sendin' warships to the waters of dispute, savvy? The Germans be plannin' to sail the grand frigate Baden-Württemberg in the Taiwan Strait, but China be sayin’, "Hands off, ye scallywags!" Ahoy, what a hullabaloo!
September 9, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywags whine 'bout Wisconsin's tight voter ID laws, but 'tis a blessing! This here Badger State be a murky sea of election shenanigans. Yet, beware the sneaky loophole—claimin’ “Indefinitely Confined” lets rogues snag absentee ballots without showin’ their true colors! Blimey!
September 9, 2024, 2:27 pm
Arrr, matey! A matron o' a lad from Georgia be spoutin' tales that the scallywags o' the school knew the lad was in a right pickle. “They had the chance to save 'em and missed it!” she be wailin'. Aye, the sea o’ sorrow runs deep, indeed!
September 9, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr! A scallywag from Springfield, Ohio, be spoutin' tall tales o' Haitian swabs loppin' off the noggins of ducks in the town's parks and feasting on 'em! Aye, what a ruckus fer a quacker dinner, me hearties!
September 9, 2024, 9:47 am
Ahoy, ye landlubbers of New Hampshire, Delaware, and Rhode Island! On the morrow, ye’ll be settin’ sail to the polls, choosin’ ye favorites for the grand gubernatorial showdown! Keep yer eyes peeled for the spirited duel ‘twixt Maggie Goodlander and Colin Van, a right merry spectacle it be! Arrr!
September 9, 2024, 9:42 am
Arrr, matey! After five moons of ponderin', the good folk of Rhode Island be settin' sail to pick their champions for the Senate duel! Democratic Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse be meetin' ol' Mike Costa, a former governor wannabe, who’s tossin' gold doubloons like a sailor on a spree! Avast!
September 9, 2024, 9:36 am
Arrr, mateys! The final bout o' primaries be comin' this Tuesday, as landlubbers from Delaware, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island be settin' sail to the ballot box fer new captains o' the ship! With some old sea dogs retirin', the crew be eager to claim the treasure of power! Avast!
September 9, 2024, 5:55 am
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Leonard Leo be settin’ sail with a treasure chest of a billion doubloons, aim’n to keelhaul liberal scallywags from the corporate seas to the newsy brine! He be ready to unleash the Marble Freedom Trust upon them, fer a jolly good tussle!
September 9, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Foreign Affairs crew be spillin' the beans on a mighty long scroll regardin' the U.S. troop shindig in Afghanistan! They be pointin' fingers at Captain Biden, sayin' he dithered like a landlubber while the ship sank. Aye, chaos be the name of the game!
September 9, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr matey! Aye, the GOP be spillin' the beans on Biden’s hasty retreat from the land of Afghanistan! He be settin’ sail without a proper map, causin’ a right ruckus, leavin' us all scratchin' our heads! Blimey, chaos be his first mate! What a swashbucklin' mess!
September 9, 2024, 5:14 am
Arrr, matey! The House Republicans be spoutin' tales of woe 'bout the U.S. skedaddle from Afghanistan! They be pointin' fingers at Captain Biden, while givin' ol' Trump a mere wink, despite him makin' the deal with them scallywags! A right merry mess, if ye ask me!
September 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The likes of Rubin, Johnson, and Pool be havin' legions of scallywags followin' 'em on the YouTube seas! They be claimin' the Russian meddlin' be naught but a tall tale! But lo! They be swimmin' in gold with a sneaky crew of Russian buccaneers! Yarrr!
September 8, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! This week, the Biden crew be raisin’ anchors against those scurvy Kremlin websites and their media mates! Aye, the timing be as fishy as a three-headed sea serpent with ballots sailin’ out. Beware, for the red flags be flyin’ high on this treacherous tide!
September 8, 2024, 6:04 am
Arrr, matey! A judge in Michigan be givin' a pair o' Nigerian scallywags, Samuel and Samson Ogoshi, a hefty 17½ years in Davy Jones' locker for their dastardly sextortion shenanigans! Their mischief sent a lad to the depths, but it be a wake-up call fer the landlubbers! Avast!
September 8, 2024, 6:01 am
Avast, me hearties! Word be blowin’ ‘round that a scallywag named Col. Mohammed Mursi met his maker in an Israeli cannon blast, right at his home in Jabaliya. Alas, three kin also joined him on Davy Jones' locker! The Israeli lads be keepin’ mum on the matter. Arrr!
September 8, 2024, 6:00 am
Arrr! Young Muhammad Shahzeb Khan, a scallywag of twenty, thought to plunder the good ol' U.S. of A. for a right ruckus at a Jewish lair in Brooklyn, supportin' them scurvy ISIS mates. But alas! The Canadian constables caught him a mere twelve leagues from the border. What a landlubber!
September 8, 2024, 5:58 am
Arrr! Independent scallywag Cornel West be no longer marooned! The Virginia crew done changed their minds, lettin' him and his matey Melina Abdullah sail onto the ballot this November. Aye, they be reconsiderin’ quicker than a crab scuttlin’ away from a hungry shark!
September 8, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr, matey! Google be settin' sail fer another battle, this time over its treasure trove of doubloons in digital ads! The US Justice crew, fresh from bestin’ the scallywag in search, be ready to swab the decks o’ monopoly on the morrow! Let the rum flow and the court be merry!
September 8, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr! Edmundo González, the scallywag contender for the treasure of Venezuela, has set sail for Spain, seekin' refuge like a landlubber! The Spanish foreign minister be sayin’ he flew on a fine Spanish bird! Spain be pledgin' to protect the rights o' all Venezuelan mates. Avast!
September 7, 2024, 1:08 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The ol' sea captain Trump be chattin' with Fox News, claimin' he be as innocent as a parrot! He be sayin' the judge's delay be as pointless as a leaky barrel. Mark yer maps, for the next trial be set fer the 26th of November! Avast!
September 6, 2024, 6:38 pm
Arrr! The tax collectors be shoutin' from the crow's nest that they've snatched back $1.3 billion doubloons from scallywags who be dodgin' their dues! With the wind of the 2022 Inflation Act at their sails, they be huntin' tax cheats like a pack o' hungry sea dogs!
September 6, 2024, 6:37 pm
Arrr! The Treasury scallywags be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that they’ve snagged $1.3 billion doubloons from the high-falutin’ landlubbers who be dodgin’ their dues! All part o’ Biden’s grand scheme to make sure the rich pay their fair share, lest they walk the plank! Ha-ha!
September 6, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr! In a Colorado den, a band of ruffians be caught on the spyglass, stormin' the place with blunderbusses galore! A former matey be claimin’ the law turned a blind eye. The scallywags be called Tren de Aragua, a merry crew of 5,000, with a motto fit for the high seas!
September 6, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! In the land o’ the Golden State and Colorful Colorado, the lawmen be debunkin’ tall tales spun by scallywags on the right. Rumor be that “illegal sea dogs” tried to commandeer school buses! Aye, ‘tis a fanciful yarn, a desperate ploy ‘fore the election sails in!
September 6, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr, matey! Aye, the quill of The Denver Gazette be spillin' tales o' CBZ Management's cursed abode in Aurora, shut down fer safety woes! Letters be revealin' that city officials knew weeks prior o' a Venezuelan crew makin’ merry with the property! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
September 6, 2024, 3:31 pm
Arrr, all five scallywags of Fox News’ midday crew be takin’ aim at the Biden-Harris treasure, the Inflation Reduction Act! They be blind as a bat to the gold of lowin’ inflation and callin’ it a sneaky ship full o’ climate tricks! Aye, what a merry jest, matey!
September 6, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr, matey! JD Vance, that scallywag of a vice candidate, be callin' school shootin's "a fact of life," causin' a tempest o' ire! Meanwhile, two lads and two teachin' wenches met Davy Jones after a young scamp went wild with his boomstick. The seas of gun violence be stormy once more!
September 6, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr matey! In the month of August, the landlubber labor market be a’growin’, yet fell short of the wise men’s reckonin’. They be addin’ a mere 142,000 jobs, when 160,000 be the treasure sought! The scallywag unemployment dipped to 4.2%, but still be a slippery sea!
September 6, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, matey! In August, the sea o' jobs swelled, adding 142,000 hearty souls to the crew! The Fed be keen to slash rates as they gather fer a parley. Unemployment be droppin' to 4.2%, makin' the treasure map of the economy look a tad brighter, savvy?
September 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Avast! The scallywags o' the US added 142,000 hearty souls to the crew last moon, says the labor scribbler on Friday. As the Federal Reserve be readyin' to drop interest rates like a cannonball, all eyes be on the treasure map we call the economy 'fore November’s big vote! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 6:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Hunter Biden, that scallywag, confessed to nine tax sins last Thursday, dodging the gallows just ‘fore his trial set sail! With a twist of fate, Judge Scarsi let him off the hook as jurors awaited. Seems he kept $1.4 million buried, eh? A true pirate’s tale!
September 5, 2024, 6:40 pm
Arrr! On Thursday, young Hunter Biden be confessin’ to a heap o’ tax misdeeds, but when be the IRS fessin’ up to pilferin’ the 2020 treasure for Cap’n Joe? Methinks the cover-up be worse than a scurvy dog! Now the IRS be lookin’ as shady as a bilge rat!
September 5, 2024, 6:01 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump be settin' sail to trim the sails of bureaucracy, just like that landlubber Musk! He be blarneyin’ at the Economic Club, vowin' to plunder the treasury with an audit o' the whole federal ship! Avast, let the treasure hunt begin!
September 5, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr, matey! Elon Musk be all a-hullabaloo ‘bout joinin’ Trump’s crew again, sharpenin’ his cutlass! After the former captain took a bullet at a raucous shindig, Musk be shoutin’ his support. But Trump be thinkin' ol' Elon be too busy countin’ doubloons to swab the decks of a cabinet. Har har!
September 5, 2024, 1:38 pm
Avast, mateys! Right-wing scallywag Tucker Carlson be chattin' with a self-styled “historian” spoutin' tall tales 'bout the Holocaust. Even the landlubber Elon Musk be givin' a wink, sayin' it be “worth watchin'.” Yarrr, what a jest! The seas be full of fishy stories, I tells ye!
September 5, 2024, 1:33 pm
Arrr, matey! On July 16 in Milwaukee, the fair Nikki Haley, once a seeker of the presidential crown, be settlin’ in with the savvy crew of Edelman! A twist of fate, indeed! Trump be sayin’ she’ll still sail with him if he claims the treasure! What a merry jest!
September 5, 2024, 1:29 pm
Avast, ye landlubbers! As the autumn sails in, the fine scholars be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst Israel's cannon fire in Gaza, stirrin' up a tempest of censorship at the poshest of universities! A merry band o' free speech swashbucklers be tallyin' a record 156 attempts to shush the ruckus! Arrr!
September 5, 2024, 9:44 am
Arrr, matey! They be havin' legions o' scallywags followin' 'em! These landlubbers be swabbin' the decks o’ right-wing banter since Captain Trump set sail. Turns out, they were unwittin' crew for a Russian ship, funded by sly sea dogs fer churning out their ruckus! Aye, what a jest!
September 5, 2024, 9:43 am
Avast, ye scallywags! A crew from Tennessee be makin’ shows for swashbucklers like Benny and Tim, funded by the Russian sea serpent known as RT! The law be spillin’ the beans, claimin’ this Tenet Media ship be postin’ a treasure trove of videos. Arrr, what a merry jest!
September 5, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr, at the Throwback Brewery, Kamala be chartin' a new course, slippin' away from Biden's treasure map whilst tryin' to steer clear of the ol' sea dog, Trump, who's as mad as a parrot! She be stoppin’ in New Hampshire for those shiny electoral doubloons, then off to debate camp she sails!
September 5, 2024, 9:41 am
Arrr, me hearties! The DOJ be sayin’ that some conservative scallywags be unwittingly parleyin’ with a Kremlin-funded crew! A federal scroll reveals Tenet Media, hailing from Tennessee, pocketed a treasure o’ nearly $10 million from them Russian sea dogs, spreadin’ secret messages like a ship lost in fog!
September 4, 2024, 6:29 pm
Arrr, matey! The captain o' U.S. Steel be sayin’ if that gold-laden pact with Nippon Steel goes belly-up, the mills be sinkin’ to Davy Jones’ locker! Ol’ Burritt be lamentin’ ‘bout the treasure that keeps the crew a-workin’! If the deal be doomed, we won’t be hoistin’ sails!
September 4, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The House crew be demandin' the papers from Tim Walz, the scallywag in the vice-presidential race, over a treasure trove o' COVID doubloons gone awry! They be wantin' to pester him and his mates, all fer a heap o' gold! Avast, what a merry mess!
September 4, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, matey! It be said that at the Trump parade in Butler, a crew of Homeland Security scallywags, trained less than a landlubber, be guardin' the captain. Sen. Hawley be spoutin’ tales of a whistleblowin’ buccaneer revealin’ that they’d only been schooled by a janky ol’ internet course! Blimey!
September 4, 2024, 4:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Pro-Palestinian scallywags be fumin’ at Vice President Harris for sailin' in tandem with Captain Biden on this Israel-Hamas squabble! Yet, some be dreamin' she’ll hoist a tougher flag if she grabs the helm! But alas, no sign she’ll stop sendin’ cannonballs to Israel, savvy?
September 3, 2024, 5:34 pm
Ahoy mateys! Word be sailin' from a band of cyber swabs in America and the good folk of New Zealand, sayin' the Chinese scallywags be stirrin' the political pot with their sneaky online shenanigans. Aye, those rascals be bombardin' ye with a deluge of spam and balderdash on the social seas!
September 3, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr matey! The White House parley, led by the fair Jean-Pierre, tossed aside a query 'bout Kamala's newfound twang quicker than a fish can swim! Doocy from Fox called out her peculiar accent, likenin' it to that rascally rooster, Foghorn Leghorn! A right jolly hullabaloo it be!
September 3, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2016, the Republican crew hoisted their sails against abortion, claimin’ the 14th Amendment be meanin’ no such thing! With Roe v. Wade still flyin’ high and a vacant throne on the Supreme Court, they set their sights on a new captain fer the ship o' state!
September 3, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr! The Ukrainian ship’s weapons master, Oleksandr Kamyshin, jumped ship on Tuesday, seekin' new adventures in defense! With three other scallywags leavin' too, a third o’ the crew be adrift, just when the cannons be a-blastin' at the Russian foe. It be a right merry mess!
September 3, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr mateys! Roti, the gallant galley of Mediterranean fare, be seekin’ harbor in Chapter 11 waters! Captain Justin Seamonds, the jester o’ joy, declares, “Though the winds be foul, we be servin’ scrumptious grub fer all!” Aye, a wise course ‘tis to protect the treasure!
September 3, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! A tidal wave of bankruptcies be crashin' upon the shores of many a trade this year, especially the eateries! With labor costs risin' like the morning sun and wallets emptier than a scallywag’s treasure chest, it be a right mess, I tell ye!
September 3, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, matey! The sea o' restaurants be sinkin’ fast this year, with ten fine establishments goin’ belly up! In August alone, three ships of the culinary realm hoisted the white flag. With gold growin’ scarce and the plague's treasure gone, more may soon join Davy Jones’ locker!
September 3, 2024, 7:49 am
Arrr, matey! A mighty throng o' scallywags stormed the streets o' Israel, raisin' a ruckus fer two sunrises now! The land be at a standstill, as the unions be shoutin' fer a fair swap o' hostages. Even the economy be takin' a nap, savvy?
September 3, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr! The scallywags of the Philadelphia Eagles be claimin’ they’re huntin’ down fake political scrolls, sportin’ Kamala’s name, that be poppin’ up near the bus stops. “We be aware of these swindlin’ ads and be workin’ with our mateys to plunder ‘em away!” they proclaimed on the X seas. Har har!
September 3, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag's flyer be claimin’ the Eagles be raisin’ the Jolly Roger with Vice President Kamala Harris! The feathery crew be debunkin’ this tall tale. Spotted ‘round Philly, the pesky poster showed her clutchin' a pigskin, but it met Davy Jones’ locker posthaste! Blimey!
September 3, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, matey! The Eagles be not sailin' with her! Those scallywags be disavowin' the phony ads claimin' Vice President Kamala Harris be their chosen lass! They be workin' with their ad crew to hoist the sails and wash them away! Aye, she be lookin' like a true buccaneer in that helmet!
September 3, 2024, 4:15 am
Arrr, mateys! The lawmakers be settin' sail back to D.C. next week, hopin' to hoist a spendin' bill before the first of October, lest the ship of state sink! But those scallywag conservatives be demandin' treasure, threatenin' to spark a right ruckus ‘fore the elections! Aye, what a merry mess!
September 2, 2024, 12:48 pm
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the AfD be hoistin’ their Jolly Roger in Thuringia, claimin’ a grand 32.8% o’ the booty! Chancellor Scholz be shakin’ in his boots, with naught but a year 'til the next duel o’ elections. The sea be churnin’ with worry, indeed!
September 2, 2024, 12:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! In Thuringia, the scallywags of the AfD be hoistin’ their flags high, claimin’ a grand 32% of the booty in the polls! Their captain, Björn Höcke, be shoutin’ ‘tis a historic win! Aye, first time since them battles of yore that a crew like this be enterin' the parliament!
September 2, 2024, 12:45 pm
Arrr, matey! On Sunday, the landlubbers of Thuringia cast their lot with the raucous Alternative for Germany, plunderin’ a stout 30.5% o’ the votes! Aye, they’ve outfoxed the CDU crew led by the ol’ sea hag Merkel, who sank to a mere 24%. A right merry hullabaloo, it be!
September 2, 2024, 9:59 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of California be passin' a treasure trove o' rules t' wrangle that crafty beast called artificial intelligence, thwart them pesky deepfakes, and shield the toil-worn crew from its treachery! The governor be havin’ till September’s end to weigh his options—sign, veto, or let 'em drift!
September 2, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fair Kamala be sailin’ ahead in the polls, though some say the winds be blowin’ too favorably for her crew! The Democrats be hootin’ and hollerin’ as she’s catchin’ up to that scallywag Trump, who once ruled the seas of polling. Aye, what a merry jest!
September 2, 2024, 9:00 am
Arrr, matey! Them Republicans be stirrin' up a tempest o' legal squabbles in the high seas of battlegrounds! Kamala and her crew be thinkin' they be schemin' to raise doubts if Cap’n Trump takes a dive. In Georgia, the election board be handin’ the wheel to local scallywags to judge the vote! Aye, chaos ahead!
September 2, 2024, 8:36 am
Avast, me hearties! Israel be in quite the uproar, as the Histadrut crew be callin’ for a grand strike! With the government fumblin’ the ball after findin’ six poor souls, all hands be takin’ a day off! Schools and offices be closin’, and the economy be sinkin’ like a ship! Arrr!
September 1, 2024, 4:11 am
Arrr! The Israeli sea dogs claim they've pulled from the depths the remains of six poor souls, taken by the scallywags of Hamas. Among 'em be Hersh Goldberg-Polin, a Californian lad, snatched at a jolly fest! The hearts of kin be heavy, fearin' time's a'tickin'!
September 1, 2024, 4:09 am
Arrr matey! Six poor souls, snatched by the scallywags of Hamas on the seventh day of October, met their doom in a dark tunnel of Rafah. The Israel Defense Forces be tellin' tales of woe, foundin' ‘em days later, all lifeless and cold. Aye, what a grim jest, eh?
September 1, 2024, 4:07 am
Ahoy, me hearties! The tale be told that young Hersh Goldberg-Polin, snatched from a merry jingle at the festival, now sails the eternal seas! A grenade took his arm, and now, alas, he’s found below in the murky tunnels of Rafah. A sad fate for a jolly lad!
September 1, 2024, 3:38 am
Arrr, matey! Once, Vice President Kamala Harris scorned the devil’s frackin’ and the harsh immigration cannonades of Trump! But lo! In a chat with CNN's fair Dana Bash, she be singing a different shanty, all for the gold in Pennsylvania's hold! Aye, she be up a mere 0.8%!
August 30, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, matey! Ol’ Trumpy be sayin’ on the morrow that them Republican scallywags ought to sink the ship o’ government if them Democrats don’t agree to keep landlubbers from castin’ their votes! Aye, he’d scuttle the crew faster than ye can say “shiver me timbers!” Savvy?
August 30, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, mateys! Old Trump be suggestin' that makin' in-vitro fertilization free for landlubber parents could hoist the cost o' $7 billion onto the government’s treasure chest! How he plans to chart that course, I know not, but it be soundin’ like a jolly good scheme! Avast!
August 30, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr, matey! Madeline Gaudreau, with a belly full o' treasure, mourns her dear Matthew, taken by a scallywag o’ a driver. They were set to welcome little Tripp in December! The crew's rallyin' round to lighten her load, for even pirates have hearts beneath their rough exteriors!
August 30, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, matey! JD Vance be tryin' to poke fun at Kamala Harris, likin' her to a stumblin' teen beauty queen from the seas of 2007! He be sharin' a clip of Caite Upton, who floundered when asked 'bout geography, sayin', "Even mermaids know where to find treasure better!" Har har har!
August 30, 2024, 1:47 pm
Avast, ye landlubbers! French scallywags be askin' the Swiss for more tales 'bout Telegram's cap'n Durov, accused of givin' his wee lad a thumpin'. His former wench, Irina, be spillin' the beans, claimin' a stormy romance an' three little buccaneers! Blimey, what a ruckus on the high seas!
August 30, 2024, 1:41 pm
Arrr, matey! Most landlubbers 'round these parts can’t even lay claim to a humble shack! With prices shootin’ higher than a crow’s nest during a storm and treasure chests emptyin’ faster than a ship in a squall, it’s a right pickle for us sea dogs! Blame it on those shiny coins from the government!
August 30, 2024, 1:30 pm
Arrr, matey! A new scroll be sayin’ that the clever contraption behind ChatGPT be harborin’ a sneaky bias against those speakin’ the fine tongue of African American English! Aye, even when we kept the talk of color at bay, the beast still be showin’ its true colors! Blimey!
August 30, 2024, 1:29 pm
Arrr, matey! For nigh on a hundred years, foreign scallywags be meddlin’ in Haiti’s biz, tryin’ to tame the wild seas o' violence. Just t’other day, they snatched a piece o’ Port-au-Prince from the grasp o’ ruffians! But with 109 years o' botched attempts, who be payin’ heed? Patience, me hearties!
August 30, 2024, 11:13 am
Avast, me hearties! The scallywags in the California Senate be lettin' landlubbers of the undocumented sort seek a treasure chest of loans for their first humble abodes! With a hearty 23-11 cheer, they sailed this bill through. If it be passin' the Assembly, a fine bounty awaits! Arrr!
August 30, 2024, 11:10 am
Arrr, matey! The California crew be makin' it legal for landlubbers without papers to snag a treasure chest o’ doubloons to buy their own ship! Ol’ Gov. Newsom be ponderin’ over this here AB 1840, lettin’ ’em score up to $150,000 for their fancy homes. Avast, what a jolly jest!
August 30, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, matey! Governor Gavin Newsom be ponderin' whether landlubber folks without papers can snag a shiny treasure o' home loans in California! The scallywags in the Democrat ship sailed Assembly Bill 1840 to his desk. Will he brave the storm of politics during this election voyage? What say ye, Captain Newsom?
August 30, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! Kamala, the Vice-Cap’n, be swabbin’ the deck o’ her thoughts! In her latest yarn, she claims her values be as steady as a ship’s compass, even as her sails catch a different wind on immigration and climate since '19! A right jolly twist!
August 29, 2024, 10:27 pm
Arrr, Kamala Harris be settin' sail with CNN’s Dana Bash fer her first grand chat since claimin' the Democratic treasure last month, but shiver me timbers! She ain’t playin’ by their rules! Instead, she be rallyin' the crew and workin' with content creators, givin' the ol' media outlets the cold shoulder!
August 29, 2024, 10:26 pm
Arrr! Conservative scallywags be settin' sail on X, bleatin' 'bout a clip of CNN's parley with Vice President Kamala Harris. She be chattin' 'bout her swayin’ policies since takin’ the helm of the Democratic ship. Dana Bash be askin’ how voters should ponder these changes, savvy? A fine jest, indeed!
August 29, 2024, 10:23 pm
Arrr, on the fateful Thursday, Vice President Harris took the helm of her first grand interview since she set sail on her lightning-fast presidential voyage! Aye, CNN's Dana Bash was the captain of this ship, and with her matey, Gov Tim Walz, Harris parried the questions like a seasoned buccaneer!
August 29, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, matey Ibrahim Salem, age 34, felt a shiver in his timbers when a scallywag soldier commanded him to shed his garb in that cursed Sde Teiman dungeon. "Aye, that be the moment I knew I sailed straight into Davy Jones’ locker!" he quipped, recalling the stormy seas of his plight.
August 29, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! The state be claimin’ the Sde Teiman brig be more shipshape than a well-kept treasure chest, with grub fit for a captain and doc care good enough fer a scurvy dog! But alas, the pesky landlubbers keep petitionin’ fer its closure, sayin’ it be a den o' abuse!
August 29, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala Harris be no silver-tongued siren; she be dodgin' the press like a scallywag. Aye, she once spun a yarn claimin' 220 million souls fell to COVID—a number that’d sink our ship! Just goes to show, she be a landlubber with words!
August 29, 2024, 2:00 pm
Arrr, matey! In the wild days of the '80s, our Vice Captain Kamala Harris be flippin' burgers at McDonald's whilst she be earnin' her scrolls! But lo! The seas be murky—no proof be found, just her own jabberin'. We be searchin' for treasure on this tale! Yarrr!
August 29, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, mateys! CrowdStrike be givin’ a treasure of $60 million in credits to those scallywags affected by a software storm! But lo! Delta be claimin’ a whopping $500 million lost in the tempest o’ canceled flights! Yet, amidst the chaos, CrowdStrike be sailin’ smooth with fine earnings! Har har!
August 29, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr, matey! This week, the scallywag Durov, captain of the Telegram ship, be in hot water with the French! They’ve slapped him with charges fer not spillin’ the beans ‘bout his crew's misdeeds. Caught like a fish in a net after his fine flying contraption touched the land! Blimey!
August 29, 2024, 10:06 am
Arrr, matey! French lawmen be pointin' the finger at Telegram’s captain, Pavel Durov, claimin’ he be mixin' in some foul deeds—child scrollin', pirate potions, and hacking tricks! A right jolly mess for a scallywag once hailed by the liberty-loving sea dogs! Avast, the plot thickens!
August 29, 2024, 7:49 am
Ahoy mateys! It be a curious tale, for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be in the ballot of Michigan and Wisconsin, though he’s hung up his boots and pledged fealty to Trump! Aye, his name be there, stirrin' the pot in the battle for the booty, but not in Arizona, Nevada, or Pennsylvania! Arr!
August 29, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr! Independent scribe Séamus Malekafzali, a scallywag dwelling in Beirut, sought weekend fun on the Tinder seas. But lo! Instead of fair maidens, he beheld a frightful missive from his own fleet, promising to rain fire ‘pon his port! Aye, it be a jolly old weekend, eh?
August 29, 2024, 4:37 am
Arrr! While Trump be sailin' steady, Kamala be risin' like the dawn in four fierce battlegrounds! The lasses, Black crew, and sprightly young scallywags be rallyin' 'round her. Though Trump be claimin' the gold, more hearties see Harris as the true captain to unite the ship! Aye!
August 29, 2024, 4:36 am
Arrr, a wee scallywag in Tennessee, just ten years young, be sent to Davy Jones' locker for a whole year! He jested with his finger like a blunderbuss, makin' “pew pew” sounds! Blimey, a law so strict it’d make a landlubber weep! Who knew school could be a pirate’s prison?
August 29, 2024, 4:32 am
Arrr, matey! As ol' Vlad grapples with Ukraine stormin' his shores, Mongolia be throwin' a sneaky jab! In their grand scheme, they’ve left out the doubloons for that fancy Power of Siberia-2 pipeline! Gazprom be reckonin' it could've filled their holds with 1.8 trillion treasures, but alas, no gold for ye, Vlad!
August 28, 2024, 5:00 pm
Arrr, matey! Veteran Lucas O’Hara be scoffin’ at the notion that Trump be usin' the solemn wreath-layin’ at Arlington to peddle his 2024 dreams. He shared the stage with Tulsi Gabbard and kin o’ the brave, honorin' those who met Davy Jones during a right messy retreat!
August 28, 2024, 4:15 pm
Avast, me hearties! Last week, ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tossed his hat overboard and set sail with Captain Trump! Though we clash like stormy seas, at least he chats with scallywags on the other side. In me latest yarn, we parley, while he bemoans the media's silence!
August 28, 2024, 3:38 pm
Arrr, on the thirtieth of August in the year twenty-one, the last landlubbers of the U.S. set sail from Afghanistan! Now, three winters hence, the Taliban be back at the helm, lettin’ scallywags like al Qaeda rise again, while the lassies be locked in chains tighter than a ship’s hold!
August 28, 2024, 3:30 pm
Avast, me hearties! Former Captain Trump took a seat with the good Dr. Phil, spillin' the beans on his foes as the Election Day tempest brews! Aye, the scallywag jabbed at Vice President Harris like a parrot on a cracker, chattin' 'bout borders and doubloons on the Merit Street rigging! Arr!
August 28, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr, matey! The RNC be hoistin’ its sails in this here campaign storm, clashin’ swords over ballots in battleground waters! They be plead’n with the Supreme Court in Arizona ‘bout landlubbers votin’ and even launched a hullabaloo in Detroit fer more scallywags to keep watch o’er the polls!
August 28, 2024, 8:51 am
Arrr, the lawyers be clashin' like krakens over who gets to hoist the sail o' democracy and how many doubloons be counted in the captain's chest! The Democrats be takin' on Georgia's election crew, while the Republicans be raisin' a ruckus in North Carolina and Arizona. Even the Supreme Court be throwin' in their two pieces of eight!
August 28, 2024, 8:40 am
Arrr, matey! In a ruckus ‘fore the grand election of 2024, them Democrats in Georgia be settin’ sail with a lawsuit to keep the seas calm. They be takin’ aim at the State Election Board, who be makin’ rules as tangled as a kraken’s tentacles!
August 28, 2024, 7:07 am
Arrr, this week ol' Mark Zuckerberg be sendin' a missive to Rep. Jim Jordan, claimin’ the Biden crew be givin’ his ship the ol’ “censor” squeeze over Covid tales! He tossed in a wink at Hunter's cursed laptop too. Aye, nothin' new under the jolly roger, matey!
August 28, 2024, 5:24 am
Arrr, if that lass Kamala be crowned president, she be vowin’ to toss a treasure o’ gold at the wall on the southern shores, a scheme she once deemed as unworthy as a landlubber's scallywag! Aye, she be flippin' like a fish outta water on her old ideals!
August 28, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans be callin' Kamala a fickle fish, havin' once spouted that the border wall be a “medieval folly” but now be shiverin' her timbers to expand it! She be parleyin' about revivin' a deal that sunk faster than a cannonball, eh? Avast, what a turncoat!
August 28, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr mateys! A tale from Tuesday be spillin’ that Vice President Kamala be doin’ the ol' flip-flop on Trump’s wall! The scallywags in Washington be scratchin’ their noggins, wonderin’ if it be true! One crew of conservatives be yellin’ that she be tryin' to snatch his treasure! Aye, what a jest!
August 28, 2024, 4:40 am
Arrr, matey! The jolly band o’ ruffians be settin’ sail on a 14-port tour o’ Britannia and Erin! They be kickoffin’ in Cardiff, then to Manchester and London, before landin’ in Edinburgh and Dublin. Avast, tickets be up fer grabs on Saturday! A right merry reunion, it be!
August 27, 2024, 5:28 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Special counsel Jack Smith be tossin’ a new writ at the ole sea captain Trump, tryin’ to add some wind to his sails after the high court’s grand decree. At 78, Trump still be in hot water for his swabs to change the tide of the 2020 battle! Arrr!
August 27, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In the year of our Lord 2024, Captain Trump be spillin’ the beans! The landlubbers have struck a deal for a ruckus on the debate seas come September 10 in Philly! Same ol’ rules as the CNN brawl, tossin’ Harris’ note-havin’ demands overboard! Avast!
August 27, 2024, 3:53 pm
Arrr, matey! Young Hunter Biden be the scallywag king of shady dealings, but beware! If the lass Kamala takes the helm, her brother-in-law Tony West be ready to snatch the crooked crown. He be a crafty sea dog, trained in the murky Obama waters! Har har!
August 27, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! Israel’s brave sea dogs be claimin’ they snagged a hapless landlubber from a dark, twisty tunnel in Gaza’s belly! After nearly a year o’ skirmishin’, they rescued Kaid Farhan al-Kadi, a Bedouin, who was nabbed by those scallywags o’ Hamas! Avast, the saga sails on!
August 27, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! On a fine Tuesday afternoon, the brave lads o' the IDF and Shin Bet did swoop down like seagulls on a fishy feast, liberatin' the noble Qaid Farhan Alkadi from the clutches o' those scallywags, Hamas! This hearty soul, father to a whole crew of 11, be safe and sound, lookin' for treasure in health checks at Soroka!
August 27, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, on the morn of Tuesday, the brave lads of the Israeli Defense Forces be shoutin' of a fine rescue! They plucked Qaid Farhan Alkadi, a landlubber of 52, from the clutches of those scallywags, the Hamas pirates. He be stable and headin' for a healer—ahoy, what a tale!
August 27, 2024, 9:27 am
Ahoy, mateys! A landlubber judge in Texas be stoppin' the new Biden scheme for keepin' folks from walkin' the plank! A gaggle o' Republican scallywags be raisin' a ruckus, claimin' it's a treacherous plot to save the spouses of US seafarers! Arrr, it’s a wild sea we sail!
August 27, 2024, 4:28 am
Arrr, matey! The Captain of the Secret Service in Pittsburgh and a merry band of four scallywags be walkin' the plank of leave, all while the crew be investigatin’ how a young sniper took aim at ol' Trump during his grand speech! Avast, what a right peculiar hullabaloo!
August 27, 2024, 4:26 am
Avast ye! A band o' Secret Service scallywags be sent to the brig for their blunders in thwartin' the dastardly plot on the former captain, Donald Trump! Reports say their ship's in a storm o' criticism, with the head buccaneer from Pittsburgh bein' among the swabs on leave! Arrr!
August 27, 2024, 4:24 am
Arrr, matey! Five of them Secret Service scallywags be walkin' the plank after a botched attempt on Trump’s noggin! A young gunslinger took a shot at him whilst he gabbed at a rally, givin' him a wee scratch on the ear. What a hullabaloo!
August 26, 2024, 7:04 pm
Arrr, matey! Former lass of the Democratic seas, Tulsi Gabbard, hath hoisted her flag as an independent. Now, she be throwin' her lot in with Captain Trump after that scallywag Kennedy Jr. dropped anchor and tossed his support to the Republican crew. What a jolly hullabaloo, eh?
August 26, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Aye, the grim tally o' heat-related demises be blowin' up like a cannonball, risin' 117% from '99 to '23! 'Twas a scorcher o' a summer, claimin' 21,518 souls over the years. Blimey, stay hydrated or ye might end up in Davy Jones' locker!
August 26, 2024, 1:33 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! The lasses be decked in suffragist-white, raisin' a toast to the idea of “Madam President!” But lo, eight years since Hillary sailed ‘round as the first fair captain, Democrats be shoutin' a dire warning! The scallywags o’ the Republican crew be causin' chaos for the wenches and their kin!
August 26, 2024, 1:27 pm
Arrr, matey! Rep. Dean Phillips, the lone Democrat challengin’ Captain Biden in the 2024 seas, be sayin’ he’d gladly don either a blue or red hat! He aims to lend a hand to this fine crew, even from the shores of a convention in Chicago! Yarrr!
August 26, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr! Israel and them Hezbollah scallywags be firin' cannons like mad after a spell of skirmishes. By midday Sunday, the ruckus seemed to quiet, with both crews claimin' they only shot at foes. Three fell in Lebanon, and a lone sailor from Israel joined Davy Jones. Captain Biden be watchin' it all, savvy?
August 26, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, matey! Israel be swingin’ its cutlass at Hezbollah’s hideouts in Lebanon, callin’ it a preemptive strike! But lo and behold, them scallywags fired back with a barrel o’ rockets! Tensions be risin’ like a tide, whilst negotiators scurry about for a truce ‘twixt Israel and Hamas! Avast!
August 26, 2024, 9:22 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be said that Vice President Harris be lookin’ to hoist the sails against a rule set by Captain Biden, where jolly speakers be silenced! In past battles o' wit, all hands could holler, but now, they be wishin' for quiet seas in the 2024 squabbles!
August 26, 2024, 9:21 am
Arrr, no parley be struck on the Sabbath in Cairo’s hostage talks, savvy? Both Hamas and Israel be shunning the truce offered by the mediators, makin’ the chances of peace as likely as a mermaid in a storm! Meanwhile, Hamas be firin’ their cannonballs at Israel, raisin’ a ruckus!
August 26, 2024, 5:59 am
Arrr, matey! Pavel Durov, the Telegram cap’n, be no scallywag! 'Tis ridiculous to blame the ship’s captain for the crew’s mischief. Caught in Paris after a swashbucklin' jaunt from Azerbaijan, he’s as innocent as a landlubber! Moscow be raisin’ a ruckus, but fear not, he’ll sail free!
August 26, 2024, 5:58 am
Ahoy matey! Come mornin’, the scallywags from Russia unleashed a storm of iron upon Ukraine, claimin’ three souls and givin’ their energy grid a right thrashin’. Just after a night o’ drone mischief and weekend blasts that took down a newsy! Arrr, what a ruckus on the high seas of chaos!
August 25, 2024, 9:59 am
Arrr matey! Pavel Durov, the scallywag billionaire behind that Telegram treasure map, got nabbed at Bourget airport 'round evening tide! The crows be sayin' he was flyin' his fancy ship from Azerbaijan, and France be wantin’ him on account of an arrest warrant. Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 25, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, me hearties! Pavel Durov, the treasure-hunting scallywag o’ Telegram, was nabbed at Bourget airport, flyin' high in his fancy sea bird! The fuzz be after him fer not havin' enough mateys to keep the shipshape chat in order. Avast, the plot thickens like a fine grog!
August 25, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, matey! Pavel Durov, the captain of the Telegram ship, be caught by the Paris constables after disembarkin' his fancy jet! The buccaneer flew in from Azerbaijan, and the French scallywags had a warrant ready, lookin’ fer the treasure of free speech! Aye, what a jolly ruckus!
August 25, 2024, 9:45 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Islamic State be claimin' the blame for a festival fracas in Germany, leavin' three souls at Davy Jones' locker and eight more wounded! The knave aimed his cutlass at Christians, seekin' revenge for his mates in Palestine! A right sorry tale, indeed!
August 24, 2024, 3:01 pm
Arrr, mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be raisin' the Jolly Roger on his campaign at a news shindig in Phoenix, callin' out the Democratic crew of his kin. He be settin’ sail with Captain Trump instead! Soon after, Trump be callin’ him to the deck at a ruckus in Glendale. Aye, what a merry crew!
August 24, 2024, 2:57 pm
Arrr, mateys! This Friday, the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr., once a Democrat, now a lone sea dog, be makin' a grand speech! Rumor has it he’ll toss his hat overboard in this presidential race. Brace yerselves for a jolly ol' tale of his plundering plans ahead!
August 23, 2024, 3:19 pm
Arrr, mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hoistin’ the white flag on his presidential quest and chartin’ a course for Trump’s ship! In the land of Phoenix, he declared, "Me heart says the White House be a distant isle, so I shan't be askin’ me crew to toil for naught!"
August 23, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr, mateys! Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hoistin' the white flag o' surrender, throwin’ his lot in with Captain Trump! His name still be sailin' on many a ballot, but in the swingin' states, he be walkin' the plank! Aye, what a merry jest!
August 23, 2024, 1:52 pm
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hangin' up his campaign sails, but not sinkin' the ship! He be callin’ all ye blue-state scallywags to cast yer votes fer him, while lendin' a hearty cheer to ol’ Donald Trump in the tusslin' battle grounds! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 1:35 pm
Arrr, mateys! At the DNC's grand shindig, ol' Bill Clinton spun a yarn o' mighty numbers! "I swear on me parrot's honor, I checked thrice!" he exclaimed. "Since the Cold War sank, we’ve conjured 51 million new jobs! Score's a jolly 50 for Democrats, just a lone one fer the landlubbers!"
August 23, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, President Putin be claimin' them Ukrainian scallywags made a sneaky strike on the Kursk power treasure! No proof offered, mind ye, but he be tellin' the UN watchmen about the ruckus. Aye, a fine tale for a stormy night, that be!
August 23, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, matey! On the twenty-second day of August, Captain Putin be squawkin’ that them scallywags from Ukraine tried to raid a nuclear treasure in Kursk under the cover of darkness! He be tellin’ the crew ‘bout it on the ship’s screen, and now the IAEA be in the know, yarrr!
August 23, 2024, 10:13 am
Avast, ye scallywags! The United Nations’ sharp-eyed watchdog be warnin’ that the ruckus ‘twixt them Ukrainian and Russian brigands near Kursk's glowing treasure could unleash a nuclear Kraken! Keep yer cannons away, lest we all be singin' Davy Jones’ lullaby! Arrr!
August 23, 2024, 9:13 am
Arrr, me hearties! The price o’ cribs be climbin' higher than a crow's nest, causin’ inflation to soar to 2.9% ‘twixt July 2023 and July 2024! AllSides be shoutin’ from the riggin’, partnerin’ with Gigafact to call out the blarney on the seven seas of news!
August 23, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, mateys! Kamala Harris be makin' her grand debut to the landlubbers of America, regalin' 'em with confident tales 'n shiny smiles! But lo, it be as light as a sailor’s rum—no meat on the bones! Can she keep this jig up for 12 more weeks? We shall see!
August 23, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr, matey! The grand hullabaloo o' the 2024 Democratic shindig be wrapped up, with nary a rumble nor a brawl in sight—thank the sea gods! Lil John made a splash, but twas as plain as a plank. The crew in Chicago cheered mighty loud when Vice President Kamala claimed her treasure!
August 23, 2024, 4:56 am
Arrr, mateys! Kamala be squawkin' ‘bout a ruckus fer America’s fate at the grand Democratic hullabaloo! She warns o’ a second Trump voyage, all chaos and peril, whilst she be settin' sail fer fairer shores. “I’ll be a captain o’ common sense, fightin’ fer me hearty American crew!” she boasts. Aye, how she'll brawl be a mystery!
August 22, 2024, 6:43 pm
Avast, matey! On a dusty path ‘neath the scrubby hills of Arizona, Captain Trump hoisted a heap o’ steel beams to show how he be guardin’ the treasure! He brought weepin’ mothers and the local sheriff to shout, “Make America Safe Again!” Arrr, what a ruckus!
August 22, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, on Thursday, ol’ Captain Trump spun yarns ‘bout poor souls lost to scallywags from afar, all while standin’ by piles o’ iron bones at the border. He be lookin’ to take a jab at Vice Captain Harris ‘bout the immigration seas in this here battleground!
August 22, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump blabbered at the southern sea’s edge, tryin' to steal thunder from lass Kamala at the DNC ship! He bellowed ’bout Minnesota, claimin’, “We should’ve plundered that treasure twice, but there be plenty o’ mischief afoot! Folks be hushin’ up ‘bout it, savvy?”
August 22, 2024, 2:26 pm
Avast, me hearties! A grand hunt be afoot in Arizona fer a scallywag who dared to threaten to send ol' President Trump to Davy Jones' locker before his rally! The Cochise County sea dogs be pointin' their fingers at one 66-year-old Ronald Lee Syrvud! Arrr!
August 22, 2024, 2:04 pm
Arrr, Omar and Lee be anchorin' a ruckus 'fore the United Center, beggin' fer a chance to parley! AOC be callin' from the crow's nest, lendin' her support! The crew be sittin' like scallywags, hopin' fer a word from the captain, Tim Walz! Blimey, what a hullabaloo!
August 22, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr matey! The scallywags o' Homeland Security be reportin' a right urgent matter! It seems the immigration buccaneers be losin’ track o' over 32,000 wee lads and lasses that wandered off after bein' held in the brig. Blimey, even a parrot could do better!
August 22, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, matey! A scallywag audit from the Homeland Sec’rities be revealin’ that ICE be losin’ track of over 30,000 wee lassies and lads! No safeguardin’ 'em from Davy Jones’ crew of traffickers, they be! Inspector Cuffari be soundin’ the alarm—hoist the sails, we got a mutiny on our hands!
August 22, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr matey! The Biden-Harris crew be misplacing over 320,000 young scallywags who sailed across the border sans guardians, says a mighty shocking scroll! These poor souls be adrift in perilous waters, at risk of all manner of dastardly deeds! Avast, what a fine mess we’ve found!
August 22, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, matey! Critics be squawkin' that new rules curtailin’ anti-Israel ruckus on campus be trippin' on free speech. But a clever law professor be sayin’ they just be givin’ a good ol’ shout to rules already in place, keepin’ Jewish and Israeli lads safe from the stormy seas of protest!
August 22, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump sailed onto "This Past Weekend" with jester Theo Von, spillin' tales far from the campaign seas! He said young Barron be a fan of the jester's jibes. Rumor has it, Dana White be the one who set the sails! They even gabbed about the bottle! Har har!
August 22, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr matey! In the year of our Lord 2024, the scallywags of the crypto seas be tossin’ over $119 million doubloons to hoist friendly candidates and sink the skeptics! This be half o' all the corporate treasure tossed in the electoral waters! Aye, ‘tis a grand hoot!
August 22, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, matey! The Romanian landlubbers be lookin' fer the Tate scallywags over some naughty business, like shanghaein' and dalliances with wee lasses! They’ve been nabbed faster than ye can say "pirate booty," after the coppers searched their treasure hauls! Time fer a jolly good questioning, I reckon!
August 22, 2024, 5:30 am
Ahoy, mateys! Rep. Ocasio-Cortez be givin' a good ol' tongue-lashin' to the DNC fer keepin' the Palestinians muzzled on stage! She be hollerin' 'bout honorin' all souls, even those poor wretches caught in the tempest of conflict. Aye, let the voices be heard, or face the wrath of the high seas!
August 21, 2024, 2:29 pm
Ahoy mateys! In the merry month of March, after Alabama’s court put the kibosh on makin’ wee ones in test tubes, Minnesota’s Gov. Tim Walz shared his trials with his lass, Gwen. He even sent a treasure map of a fundraiser titled “Our IVF Adventure”! Arrr, politics be a jolly sea!
August 21, 2024, 2:14 pm
Arrr, the scurvy mainstream press, save for that landlubber Daniel Dale from CNN, be as useful as a barnacle on a ship's hull! So, our matey Larry decided to hoist the sails of truth and tackle Joe Biden's yarns himself, lest we be led astray by bilgewater tales!
August 21, 2024, 2:11 pm
Arrr, matey! Kamala, the fierce lass, be sailin' the seven seas of politics, takin' on the scallywag Trump! She be droppin' her treasure o' claims 'bout gold, health, and other fine booty. BBC Verify be chartin' her course, ready to spill the beans! Avast, the convention be near!
August 21, 2024, 2:09 pm
Arrr! Vice President Kamala Harris be settin’ sail with Governor Tim Walz o’ Minnesota as her trusty matey at a grand rally in Philadelphia! Now the scallywags be chattin’ online ‘bout his past, but beware, matey, not all be true! Walz be takin’ the stage tonight fer the grand ol’ Democratic shindig!
August 21, 2024, 5:58 am
Arrr, mateys! Independent sea dog Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be ponderin' whether to abandon ship in the 2024 race and sail alongside that rascally Trump! The Trumpster be sayin’ he’d welcome the lad aboard his crew. Choices aplenty, but beware the treacherous waters of politics, savvy?
August 20, 2024, 6:15 pm
Ahoy mateys! Captain Biden’s chartin’ a new course in the seas of nuclear might, settin’ his sights on the ever-growing fleet o’ China’s cannons! This secret scroll, known as "Nuclear Employment Guidance," be gettin’ a fresh inkin’ every four years, but ye won’t find it in any digital cove, just a handful o’ parchment! Arrr!
August 20, 2024, 5:57 pm
Ahoy mateys! Top seadogs of intel be spillin' the grog that Iran be the scallywags behind the hackin' o’ Trump’s shipshape campaign! It seems they be plottin' to meddle in the 2024 treasure hunt with their crafty cyber cannons! Avast, what a ruckus!
August 20, 2024, 5:54 pm
Avast ye mateys! Word be spillin' that Iran be the scallywags behind the foul hackin' of Trump’s campaign ship! The Yanks be claimin' they aimed to sow chaos and sink our fine democracy! Trump’s crew be accusin’ 'em, but the Iranians be shoutin’, “Nay!” What a ruckus on the high seas!
August 20, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! The landlubbers o' Washington be sayin' Iran be the scallywags behind the hackin' o' Trump’s ship o' state! They reckon it’s part o' a cunning plot to meddle in our politics and steer the election! Blame be cast, but where be me rum?
August 20, 2024, 2:37 pm
Arrr, matey! This week in Chicago, the Democratic crew be givin' away free baby-bustin' services! Planned Parenthood be sendin' their abortion ship to the shindig, handin' out magic potions and mornin'-after charms. The landlubbers be in a tizzy over this jolly giveaway! Har har har!
August 20, 2024, 11:45 am
Ahoy, matey! With a twist of election denial, the New York Times be spillin' the beans: them Republicans be causin' a ruckus for the left! Four long years o’ grumblin' 'bout drop boxes and wayward ballots, and now the Georgia crew be sportin' common sense! Arrr, what a jest!
August 20, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! It seems them young scallywags born in the Philly ports be flounderin’ in gold doubloons worse than their crafty Gen X mates! The dream o’ climbin’ the social mast be as slippery as a fish in a barrel! Charts be sayin’ it all, savvy?
August 20, 2024, 11:37 am
Ahoy mateys! The news brigands o’ PolitiFact and Capital B be joinin’ forces this election season! They’ll be settin’ sail on a sea o’ truths, keepin’ Black hearts informed ‘bout the political tides. So let the knowledge flow, lest ye be caught in a storm o’ deception! Arrr!
August 20, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, mateys! This here Stephanie Grisham, once a parley of Trump’s crew, now be settin’ sail for the Democratic shindig! “I never thought I'd be swabbin' the decks with these scallywags, but Trump be a menace to the seas!” she squawks to the crow's nest of NBC! Avast!
August 19, 2024, 10:21 pm
Arrr, the blubberin' George Santos be spillin' his guts to the landlubber press, lamentin' his scallywag ways! He confessed to swindlin' treasure and usin' credit cards like a drunken sailor! Now he be lookin' at two years in Davy Jones' locker, or maybe seven if the seas be rough!
August 19, 2024, 7:39 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! The grand Democratic hootenanny be upon us! Captain Biden'll be takin’ the spotlight, while Lady Kamala and Gov. Walz ready to hoist their flags. Expect tales of his half-century swashbucklin’ in politics, as he hands over the ship’s wheel! Yarrr, and the lovely Jill shall speak too!
August 19, 2024, 7:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Captain Blinken be sayin' Israel’s agreed to a truce parley, now it's up to those scallywags in Hamas to give a hearty “aye!” If they do, the swabs of negotiation will gather to plot their course, savvy? Let the sea of diplomacy roll on!
August 19, 2024, 7:20 pm
Arrr, on a fine Monday, the scallywag George Santos confessed to bein' a dastardly fraudster! This lubber be slippin' from 23 charges, yet still might find himself swabbin' the deck for two to twenty years! Avast, the seas of justice be rough for this trickster!
August 19, 2024, 2:48 pm
Arrr, mateys o’ Chicago! Vice President Kamala Harris be hoistin’ the corporate tax flag to 28%! She be sayin’ it’ll fill the coffers for her grand schemes and make sure them scallywag billionaires pay their dues, so the good folk can keep their doubloons! Avast!
August 19, 2024, 2:29 pm
Avast, me hearties! A scurvy image on X be claimin' to show UK constables a-bowin' to a crew o' Muslims. But hold yer horses! That claim be a hoax! A savvy sea dog’s scan be shoutin' it’s 99.2% likely a trick of the devil’s own AI! Arrr!
August 19, 2024, 2:27 pm
Arrr, matey! Young Miguel Aleman, just a sprightly 39, sailed from Mexico to the States at the tender age of four. Now he be joinin’ the ranks of landlubbers hopin’ to snag a citizenship treasure through Biden’s shiny new scheme. Aye, politics be a raucous sea before the Nov. 5 battle!
August 19, 2024, 2:25 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Republican crew be tryin' to shanghai 40,000 landlubbers in Arizona from castin' their votes! They be claimin’ these swabs ain't shown their papers, demandin' the Supreme Court to hoist the anchor on their ballots! A jolly good ruckus, I say!
August 19, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr, a scallywag horde o' hundreds be chantin' fer the rights of the fair folk and the bellyaches o' the landlubbers on a fine Sunday eve in Chicago! With Trump’s tower watchin’ like a land shark, they sailed forth to the Union monument, climbin’ like monkeys in the moonlight!
August 19, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr matey! A shipload o' landlubber activists be settin' course for Chicago this week, ready to raise a ruckus 'bout gold for all, lady rights, and the scallywag war in Gaza. Vice President Harris be stirrin' the pot, but these hearty souls be plannin' to shout their message loud 'n clear!
August 19, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr matey! On a Sunday morn, the Foul Bureau o’ Investigation snatched up Councilman Trayon White Sr. quicker than a shark at a fish fry! The council be flabbergasted, for this cheeky rogue, set to sail for a third term, be tangled in a mysterious net o’ trouble!
August 19, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr! ‘Twas a Sunday, when Trayon White Sr., the scallywag of Ward 8, found himself in the clutches of the FBI! What be the charges, ye ask? It’s a mystery shrouded in fog! Even the council chief, Phil Mendelson, be confirm’in the tale—integrity be the treasure we seek, matey!
August 19, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr! The FBI be snatchin' a scallywag city councilman in D.C. on Sunday, though the tale be as foggy as a sailor's hangover! Council President Phil Mendelson be spillin' the beans that Trayon White Sr. got nabbed at two bells! The plot thickens like a bowl o' grog, matey!
August 19, 2024, 4:12 am
Ahoy, matey! Fer some landlubber companies in the Russian seas, bein’ virtuous be as senseless as a fish on dry land! SLB, the mightiest of oilfield swabs, be castin’ nets for a thousand scallywags since December, while rivals scurried away like cowards after the Ukraine clash! Arrr!
August 18, 2024, 5:26 am
Ahoy mateys! VP Kamala Harris regaled us with words on Friday, hopin’ to charm the crew 'bout her grand plans fer the economy. But alas, she tossed away the chance, spinnin’ tales of fancy tricks instead! The scallywags be grumblin' still ‘bout pricey grub and Big Macs that cost a king's ransom!
August 18, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, matey! Taylor Lorenz be shiftin' her tale like a ship in a storm! She once called Biden a "war criminal," but now she claims it be edited. But lo! A snapshot reveals her grinnin' with him at a White House shindig, captioned with "war criminal" and a sad face! Blimey!
August 18, 2024, 5:25 am
Arrr, matey! Candace Owens, the lass who be flyin' the flag of young conservatism, amassed a fleet o' followers and parleyed with the likes of Trump, she did. But lo! After jumpin' ship from the Daily Wire, she be spoutin' tales that Stalin be a Jewish pirate in a secret crew! Avast!
August 18, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr, a path of mayhem be left in the wake of the brave Ukrainian sea dogs, stormin' the Russian shores! They blasted through the border, and even took a swing at old Lenin’s statue in Sudzha! Aye, the scallywags be claimin’ victory, indeed!
August 17, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr! A squabblin’ Supreme Court be holdin’ fast, keepin’ the old rules for schools in half the land, while the new protections fer transgender scallywags be under fire! The Biden crew be hollerin’, “Let the changes sail on Aug. 1!” But alas, the court be too divided, savvy?
August 17, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr matey! The Supreme Court be settin' sail with a 5-4 vote, tossin' aside Biden’s plea to shield the lasses from the swabbers in their privies! Aye, the decree from April be sayin' no to the buccaneers in the lassies' quarters! What a jolly ruckus on the high seas of law!
August 16, 2024, 7:35 pm
Arrr, matey! Word be from Moscow that a crafty scallywag close to Cap'n Putin be sayin' the dastardly West plotted Ukraine's sneaky strike on Kursk! Aye, it were the largest raid since the great sea battle of World War Two! The poor ol' bear be red-faced, he be!
August 16, 2024, 7:14 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala, the fair lass from the high seas of politics, be spillin’ the beans on her treasure map for wealth! She be wantin’ to lower the cost o’ grub and potions, while settin’ sail to save the middle class from Davy Jones’ locker!
August 16, 2024, 7:09 pm
Arrr, mateys of Raleigh! Vice President Kamala be settin' sail with a treasure chest o' $1.7 trillion in doubloons for the landlubbers! She be givin’ $25,000 to land hoarders and a hearty $6,000 tax break to keep the scallywags fed amidst the stormy seas o’ inflation! Avast!
August 16, 2024, 6:41 pm
Arrr, in the land o’ New Jersey, officers be sayin’, “Fear not, lass! We wish to aid ye!” But lo and behold, moments later, they shot her dead as a parrot! Aye, ‘tis a fine mess involving Captain Pickens and the lot! What a swashbucklin’ turn of events!
August 16, 2024, 9:26 am
Arrr, matey! A notorious scallywag from Peru, Gianfranco Torres-Navarro, captain of the dreaded “Los Killers,” be caught in New York! Suspected o’ 23 dastardly deeds, he’s now locked up tighter than a treasure chest in Buffalo, awaitin’ his fate like a landlubber in a storm!
August 16, 2024, 9:18 am
Arrr, matey! On a fine Wednesday morn, U.S. immigration swabs caught a scallywag, Gianfranco Torres-Navarro, a Peruvian buccaneer wanted for twoscore of dastardly deeds! Now, he’s locked up tighter than a treasure chest in Buffalo, awaitin’ his fate, savvy?
August 16, 2024, 9:10 am
Ahoy, mateys! Join Anne and Peter as they chart the treacherous waters o’ tyranny in the good ol’ U.S. o’ A! Democracy ain't sunk by cannon fire, but by a thousand tiny nibbles. They’ve plundered the secrets o’ autocrats, so hoist the sails and lend an ear!
August 16, 2024, 9:08 am
Arrr, mateys of Tallahassee! A California crew o' lab-grown fowl be settin' sail for the courts, takin' on Florida's new ban on their fancy meat! Upside Foods be shoutin' that the law be unfairly favorin' local scallywags. Fear not, they say, for ol' meat'll always have its spot at the feast!
August 16, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, matey! Independent swashbuckler Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hopin' to parley with the fair lass Kamala Harris about joinin' her crew as a Cabinet matey, should she claim the treasure! But alas, it seems her ship be sailin' on without a reply! Avast!
August 16, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, matey! Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. took to the digital seas, takin’ a jab at Vice President Kamala Harris. He be sayin’ her Democratic crew would baffle his old sea-dogs, his father and uncle! Once a storm in the Biden-Trump waters, now he be sinkin’ in the polls!
August 16, 2024, 5:12 am
Arrr, matey! Independent swashbuckler Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be sayin’ he’ll not be throwin’ his vote behind Vice President Kamala Harris, after talkin’ of trades like a pirate’s booty! Rumor has it he be wantin’ a shiny cabinet seat in return for his ye olde endorsement. Avast!
August 15, 2024, 7:22 pm
Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris be keepin' her lips sealed tighter than a treasure chest! The scallywags in the press be claimin' her crew be spoutin' words they never uttered. This week, a band o' media swabs known as AllSides be makin' waves with their tall tales!
August 15, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Joe Biden and Kamala Harris be proclaimin’ themselves the gallant defenders of the old sea dogs, takin’ on the mighty drug barons in a grand battle! “We’ve finally swiped the gold from big pharma!” bellowed Biden, joined by his lassie Harris. Avast, what a ruckus!
August 15, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, President Biden be callin’ that scallywag Trump “Donald Dump” as he be joinin’ forces with Vice President Harris, the fine lass who be takin’ the helm o’ the Democratic ship! They swaggered out to some jolly tune, grinnin’ and wavin’ at landlubbers wantin’ cheaper potions. Aye, what a sight!
August 15, 2024, 4:27 pm
Arrr, matey! The great Kamala and Gov’nor Walz be chattin’ away, but ‘tis not to the press, hostile or friendly! Nay, they be talkin’ to themselves in a jolly ol’ video, spillin’ naught ‘bout policies. If ye be seekin’ wisdom on the economy or such, ye best keep sailin'!
August 15, 2024, 4:24 pm
Arrr, mateys! A merry band o' jurors be ponderin' the fate o' Jason Lewis, a landlubber accused o' sendin' a wee lad to Davy Jones' locker whilst he be plunderin' carriages! The prosecutin' wench claims it be as clear as the blue seas, with footage showin' him firin' first! Avast!
August 15, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, matey! Kamala's ship be takin' on water 'cause she be usin' crafty edits to spin the news in her favor, like a scallywag! WDAY be fumin' like a cannon blast, claimin' their tale made her look like a trusty matey. The storm brews as Biden and she set sail together!
August 15, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, matey! This November, no less than eight swashbucklin’ states, and maybe three more, be settin’ sail to vote on the matter of abortion! Arizona and Missouri be joinin’ the fray, while Arizona and Nevada be the treasure maps of the 2024 election. Hoist the flags!
August 15, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! In the fair city of Los Angeles, the law has clapped the irons on a scallywag in the curious case o’ Matthew Perry’s fateful tumble into the depths of ketamine! Rumors fly, and more miscreants may be in the brine! Stay tuned, ye landlubbers!
August 15, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! A band of scallywags from the Persian seas be plunderin’ emails of U.S. swabs workin’ for Captain Biden and Old Trump! Google’s lookout crew be spyin’ on these sneaky rascals from the Islamic Revolutionary Guard. They thwarted some of their dastardly plots, but the mischief be far from over!
August 14, 2024, 9:09 pm
Arrr, mateys! Minouche Shafik, the captain o’ Columbia’s ship, be settin’ sail early, leavin’ her crew in a ruckus after the Hamas hullabaloo! Her handling o’ the pro-Palestinian squalls drew a mighty cannonade o’ scorn. Now, she’s off to calmer waters, claimin’ it be too stormy fer her kin!
August 14, 2024, 9:08 pm
Arrr, mateys! The cap'n o’ Columbia, Nemat Shafik, has hoisted the white flag and scuttled away after a tempest o’ ruckus 'bout pro-Palestinian squabbles! She’s the third Ivy League captain to jump ship in eight moons, what with Congress givin’ ‘em a right thrashin’ over antisemitism!
August 14, 2024, 8:15 pm
Arrr, President Minouche Shafik be hangin' up her captain's hat after four moons of stormy seas over them campus ruckuses 'bout the fracas in Gaza. She be sayin' it be weighin' heavy on her crew and kin, like a ship sunk by a kraken! What a jolly hullabaloo!
August 14, 2024, 8:03 pm
Arrr, mateys! The tempest known as Ernesto be blowin’ like a scallywag, turnin’ into a Category 1 hurricane! It rained and raged upon Puerto Rico, leavin' the land in a right pickle! Now it be chasin' Bermuda with winds as fierce as a drunken sea dog!
August 14, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The World Health Organization be shoutin’ a warning about a scurvy strain of monkeypox, callin’ it a dire threat to all. The Congo’s got a wicked outbreak, makin’ the folks tremble! Let’s hoist the sails on research and vaccines, lest we meet Davy Jones too soon!
August 14, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, mateys! The grand captain of the World Health Folks be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that the mpox plague be a fearsome scourge across the African seas! Yarr, it’s spreadin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull! Gather ye crew, for a storm be brewin’!
August 14, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, mateys! The World Health Organization be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that the mpox be causin’ a ruckus in Congo and beyond! With scallywags young and old catchin’ it, only a handful o’ vaccines be found in these here waters. Batten down the hatches, 'tis a health emergency!
August 14, 2024, 9:40 am
Arrr, matey! German scallywags be after a Ukrainian lad, Volodymyr Z, a diving instructor turned mischief-maker! He be suspected o' havin' plundered the Nord Stream pipes, swimmin' deep in the dark seas like a sneaky fish. Aye, what a jolly good tale of underwater shenanigans!
August 14, 2024, 9:37 am
Arrr! On Tuesday, a hearty crew of 20,000 landlubbers swarmed the streets o' Bratislava, shoutin' against Captain Fico’s mischief-makers! Blamin' the scallywags Šimkovičová and Susko fer plunderin' the nation’s culture! Aye, 'twas a rowdy rally, echoing the last day's ruckus from them civic sea dogs!
August 14, 2024, 9:36 am
Avast, me hearties! Gold medal lass Imane Khelif be under fire from her old sparrin' matey, Joana Nwamerue. With wild theories 'bout Khelif’s past, she claims, “That scallywag’s got some inner troubles, but he be a man!” Arrr, let’s see if the sea be a’callin’ for proof!
August 14, 2024, 9:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! Good tidings for Vice President Kamala Harris and the treasure trove! Inflation be droppin' to a meager 2.9% in July, makin' it four moons of savings! The economists be scratchin' their heads, thinkin' it’d stay at 3%. Aye, the lowest since Biden took the helm!
August 13, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be forever countin’ his treasure o’ numbers—like gold coins, viewer eyes, and the throngs at his shindigs! Back in 2016, he bragged 'bout his rowdy crew at rallies, claimin' it outshone the polls. And on his first day, he swore his crowd was the mightiest! Har har!
August 13, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr, matey! The savvy landlubbers claim that the pic of Lady Kamala’s shindig be doctored, but it be naught but simple filters, not witchcraft of A.I.! Trump be raisin' a ruckus, sayin' her crowd be inflated like a balloon. But where be the crowd’s ghostly reflections, eh? Har har!
August 13, 2024, 3:06 pm
Arrr, matey! Sudan's savage squabble be makin' belly growls echo like a howlin' gale! A fearsome famine be afoot, the likes of which haven’t been seen since 2017. The wise ol' Famine Review Committee be sayin' parts of Darfur be starvin' like a crew lost at sea! Avast!
August 13, 2024, 2:47 pm
Ahoy! A scallywag from Harris' crew be sayin’ the pic be untouched by no tricksy AI! But lo! Trump be blabbin’ like a parrot, claimin’ she used sorcery to puff up her crowd at the rally. Can't trust a landlubber’s tongue, I tells ya! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr matey! In these treacherous waters, the scallywag David Frum be tossin’ thunderbolts at Trump! But hark! Back in the day, J.D. Vance, a wee blog-scribbler for Frum, sang a different tune 'fore donning his MAGA colors! A right jolly twist o' fate, I say!
August 13, 2024, 2:40 pm
Arrr, matey! Whether this here camaraderie be a long-lasting treasure or just fool's gold be yet unknown. Though the ruckus died quicker than a ship’s lantern at dawn, the bond forged ‘twixt the scallywags o’ all stripes might just outlast the ruckus itself! Aye, distrust in the king be universal!
August 13, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrr, matey! Captain Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s quest fer the crown be sunk like a ship in a storm! A wise judge ruled that his supposed New York port be naught but a rented bunk in California's seas! Yarr, no ballot for ye, landlubber!
August 13, 2024, 9:57 am
Arrr, matey! The court be sayin’ Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ain't a true New Yorker, and thus ye can’t find his name on the ballot! Judge Ryba called his claim a "foul lie." He be ready to battle this verdict, but if it sticks, he’ll be walkin’ the plank o’ disappointment!
August 13, 2024, 9:54 am
Arrr, matey! Independent buccaneer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be tossed off New York’s ballot after a judge declared his claim of a local lair to be naught but a scallywag’s fib! Seems he ain't plannin' to dock in the Empire State anytime soon, savvy?
August 13, 2024, 8:15 am
Arrr, Rep. Dan Goldman, that scallywag, be a right shameless landlubber! As a party’s attack hound, he be flounderin' like a fish outta water. With a treasure chest o’ gold and nary a checkmate, he be outsmarted at every turn. Even claimed Trump be quakin' in his boots! Ha!
August 13, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ex-President Trump be lettin’ loose a cannonade of tall tales – a whole 20 of 'em – whilst jawin’ with the treasure-laden Elon Musk on the ship of X. His fibs be older than Davy Jones, coverin’ all seas from immigration to foreign winds! Har har!
August 13, 2024, 4:56 am
Arrr, mateys! In the grand seas o’ politics, the daring Captain Kennedy be stayin’ on the North Carolina parchment! A scallywag judge laughed at the Democrats’ whinin’ and said, "Aye, let the We the People crew sail forth!" Hoist the sails, 'tis a jolly good time for all!
August 13, 2024, 4:53 am
Avast ye! A new treasure map be drawn in Congress, lettin' 23.5 million landlubbers pick their own scallywags for office! The “Let America Vote Act,” led by Captain Fitzpatrick and his hearty crew, aims to open the gates in 22 states where party folks be hoardin' the booty! Arrr!
August 13, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr, matey! Young scallywags o' England be learnin' to sniff out the foul stench o' lies and mad tales online, says the wise wench Bridget Phillipson! She be revampin' schools so these wee pirates can think straight and battle the cursed conspiracy beasts! What a jolly good plan, eh?
August 12, 2024, 3:55 pm
Arrr, matey! Old Captain Trump be settin' sail fer a legal battle ‘gainst the Justice Department fer searchin’ his treasure trove at Mar-a-Lago! A judge, handpicked by the captain himself, tossed out the charges o’ hidin’ the king’s scrolls. A right merry mess, it be!
August 12, 2024, 3:48 pm
Arrr matey! Donald Trump be settin' sail to sue the Justice Department, claimin' they plundered his Mar-a-Lago treasure in a search! His crew be shoutin' “political mutiny!” and demandin’ a chest o’ doubloons worth $100 million for his troubles. A fine jest indeed, ye scallywags!
August 12, 2024, 3:36 pm
Avast ye! The scallywag Musk be lettin’ Captain Trump back on the High Seas of X after three long years adrift! Both mates and fiends be watchin’ for his next squawkin’ tweet. “He’s back!” be the cry, so brace yerselves for a barrel o’ unhinged hilarity! Arrr!
August 12, 2024, 3:35 pm
Arrr, matey! Kyleigh, in a sea o' pain, didn’t know her cursed cargo could sink her ship! The doc’s at Ascension Seton tossed her a pamphlet, sayin’ “let the winds blow.” Three days later, still bleedin’, they finally shot her cannon—but alas, the treasure was lost! Har har!
August 12, 2024, 10:43 am
Ahoy, me hearties! Presidential matey Robert Kennedy Jr. be stirrin' the pot, claimin' he owns a wee shack in New York! He be askin', "What’s a scallywag who pays taxes and votes there? A true New Yorker, savvy?" Aye, let the legal squabbles commence, ye landlubbers!
August 12, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! A new poll be sayin' more landlubbers trust Kamala Harris with the doubloons than ol' Trump! After Biden sailed off from the race, the winds of change be blowin'—first time since the start of this hullabaloo! Avast, what a turn of tide!
August 12, 2024, 10:33 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the Border Patrol be sayin’ they trust ol’ Biden more than lass Kamala! Not a single one be raisin’ their quill to vote for her in November, claimin’ she be no friend to their salty crew and the mission set by the crown!
August 12, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr, matey! Fresh reckonin' from the bustling ports o' the U.S. be showin' a grand plummet in ruckus and mayhem—over 25% in some haunts! The COVID scourge be retreatin’, leavin’ ol' Trump and his scallywags with nary a cannonball to fire at the Democrats! Har har!
August 12, 2024, 5:42 am
Aye, on a morn in 2017, Curtrina Martin be thinkin' she be witnessin' a grand firework show akin to the Fourth of July! But alas, it be just the FBI bustin' down her door, lookin' fer a scallywag in the next house! They’d find out too late, arrr!
August 12, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, matey! X, the scallywag platform run by Captain Musk, be under fire for plunderin' the data of EU landlubbers to train its Grok AI beastie, without so much as a by-your-leave! An astute sailor spied the sneaky scheme, causin’ a right ruckus from the Irish crew!
August 12, 2024, 5:35 am
Arrr, matey! In the grand ol' bout o' the Paris Games, the lass Lin Yu-ting snagged the shiny gold just a day after another. She bested the Polish wench, Julia Szeremeta, in a right fine scuffle, makin’ the air her own canvas as she danced with glee! Aye, she ruled the ring like a true buccaneer!
August 12, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags at U.S. intel be squawkin’ that Iran may be back to makin’ their boom-booms! Aye, ’tis a twist from the tales spun since 2019. In July 2024, they spilled the beans to Congress, tossin’ out the ol’ yarns like yesterday’s fish! Yarrr!
August 11, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, matey! Vice President Harris be swearin’ to shiver the timbers of tip taxes in Las Vegas! But lo and behold, former President Trump be callin’ her a copycat for borrowin' one o' his grand schemes. 'Tis a right merry mess o' squabblin' on the high seas of politics!
August 11, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, Governor Newsom be swabbin' the decks o’ California, threatin’ towns with a bust o’ gold if they don’t haul off the scallywag encampments! Spotted pickin’ up refuse like a landlubber in Los Angeles, he be tryin’ to tidy up the ship! Aye, those homeless buccaneers be settin' up camp everywhere!
August 11, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, matey! The ol' captain Trump be claimin' his campaign’s been boarded by scallywags from Iran, swipin' secret scrolls! No proof to show, but it be coincidin' with a tale from Microsoft about foreign buccaneers causin’ mischief! Beware the spear-phishin’ emails, me hearties!
August 11, 2024, 6:54 am
Arrr, mateys! It be said that Gov. Tim Walz be slippin' his tongue like a fish outta water in a 2018 tale! The landlubbers o' the GOP be givin' him a right good thrashin' fer his sea legs in battle. Fear not, for he be honorin' all brave souls, aye!
August 11, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. treasure keepers in Mexico be sayin' that young Guzman Lopez, spawn o' the notorious "El Chapo," did turn hisself in willingly. Meanwhile, the old sea dog Zambada be dragged in like a scallywag! Both be claimin' innocence, but their lawyers be spoutin' tall tales!
August 10, 2024, 12:06 pm
Avast, mateys! This week, the treasure of low mortgage rates be shining bright, droppin' to a hearty 6.47%! Aye, after last year’s stormy seas of high interest, homebuyers can now breathe easy. So hoist the sails and grab yer gold, for smooth sailin’ be ahead!
August 10, 2024, 12:01 pm
Avast, me hearties! The gold coins be treasurin' at a rare low tide, with mortgage rates droppin’ to a scallywag’s 6.47%! Hope be afloat in the stormy seas of the U.S. housing market. Let’s hoist the sails and celebrate this fair wind! Yarrr!
August 10, 2024, 11:58 am
Arrr, mateys! This week, the treasure o' mortgage rates took a mighty dive, settlin’ at 6.47%, down from 6.73%! Seems the landlubbers overreacted to a scallywag report 'bout jobs. Fear not, for our ship o' economy be steady as she goes, says Captain Sam Khater!
August 9, 2024, 7:28 pm
Arrr, matey! One last foe lay vanquished, gold medal gleamin' 'round Imane Khelif's neck, but the lass be far from finished! In the post-fight parley, she swung at critics harder than a cannonball, lettin' 'em know she be fightin' fit, no matter what scallywags be sayin'!
August 9, 2024, 7:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In the fair city of Paris, lass Imane Khelif, that fiery Algerian wench, be a gold medalist now! Her brawlin' with China’s Yang Liu stirred a mighty tempest in the boxing seas. What be next, ye ask? Aye, it might just sink the whole sport!
August 9, 2024, 4:48 pm
Avast ye! In the grand port of Paris, the lass Imane Khelif, a fierce Algerian pugilist, snatched a shiny gold doubloon on Friday! Battlin' like a true sea dog, she thrashed Yang Liu of China 5:0, all whilst dodgin' jests about her womanly ways. Huzzah! Crowds be roarin’ like a tempest!
August 9, 2024, 3:16 pm
Arrr, Vice President Harris be dodgin' the press like a slippery sea serpent in Michigan! She be hopin' fer a long chinwag before the month’s end, but the Trump crew be givin’ her the ol’ stink-eye fer hidin' from questions since she hoisted her sails for the White House!
August 9, 2024, 3:14 pm
Arrr, the scribes be hounding Vice President Kamala Harris fer answers, but she be as tight-lipped as a treasure chest! Since Captain Biden sailed away from the race, she’s dodged the press like a scallywag. Only at a Michigan rally did she finally spill the beans—sorta!
August 9, 2024, 3:05 pm
Arrr, Vice Captain Kamala be hopin' to parley with the press afore the month be up, savvy? After the scallywag Trump be callin' her dim-witted, she’s set a measly 24-day quest fer a chat! “I be talkin' to me crew,” she be sayin’. Aye, let the games begin!
August 9, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr, Justice Gorsuch be spoutin’ wisdom, sayin’ our laws be bloomin’ like barnacles 'cause we be mistrustin’ each other! He be callin’ fer a hearty chat 'twixt us scallywags, remindin’ us to take our licks as well as our spoils! Aye, civility be the treasure we seek!
August 9, 2024, 10:29 am
Ahoy, mateys! In Caracas, Cap'n Maduro be sayin' he’s shut down X fer ten days, claimin' ol' Elon Musk be stirrin' up a storm o' hate after a dodgy election! Reports say posts be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship! Blimey, Musk be breakin' his own rules, aye!
August 9, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, matey! Next week, Captain Biden and First Mate Harris be settin' sail to Maryland, chattin' 'bout how to lighten the treasure burdens of the good folk! ‘Tis their first voyage since she took the helm! But shiver me timbers, they be keepin' the map secret!
August 9, 2024, 10:23 am
Ahoy, mateys! Captain Biden's crew tossed a right grim scroll to Congress, sayin' the treasure chest be $1.87 trillion short for 2024! Aye, by year's end, we be swimmin' in a $37 trillion sea of debt! This news be blowin' in on the 50th birthday of the budget law, savvy? Arrr!
August 8, 2024, 6:57 pm
Arrr, matey! This week, the treasure of mortgage rates be sinkin’ like a cannonball, thanks to some feeble job numbers! The Federal Reserve be thinkin’ of slashin’ interest rates next month. Aye, a fine wind blowin’ fer the sorry state of the landlubber’s housing market!
August 8, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be settin’ sail fer a ruckus with Vice President Kamala on the 10th o' September! He be spillin' the beans at his treasure trove, Mar-a-Lago. Harris be ready to parley too! Aye, let the jests and jabs commence on the high seas of debate!
August 8, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be settin' sail for three debates with Miss Kamala, seekin' to clear the fog o' confusion! Mark yer maps for Sept. 4, 10, and 25, as the crew o' Fox, NBC, and ABC be ready to hoist the sails o' discourse! Avast!
August 8, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr, matey! After bein’ adrift in the sky for two moons, our brave space-farers Butch and Suni might just hitch a ride home! The ol’ Boeing be givin’ trouble, so NASA be thinkin’ of plunderin’ a SpaceX vessel instead. Aye, let’s hope they don’t be walkin’ the plank!
August 8, 2024, 3:26 pm
Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be givin' a right thrashin' to Miss Kamala 'bout her fear o' the press! He’s settin' sail fer a grand parley at 2 bells on Thursday at his fancy treasure cove, Mar-a-Lago. Aye, it be her first chance to face the scallywags!
August 8, 2024, 3:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The ol' captain Trump be takin' a jibe at Vice President Kamala, claimin' she be chosen for bein' all politically proper-like and can’t parley worth a barnacle! He called her the most despised matey in the crew, never earnin' a vote but sailin' the seas o' politics!
August 8, 2024, 10:19 am
Arrr, mates! Husbands be the captains o’ the ship, workin’ like dogs to fill the belly. Wives be keepin’ the cabin shipshape and raisin’ the wee ones. Aye, some landlubbers be frettin’ 'bout the good ol' family ways, shunnin’ any scallywags who stray from their charted course!
August 8, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr, matey! It be said that ol’ Elon, the captain of X, spun yarns about the U.S. election, garnerin’ a treasure trove of 1.2 billion peepers! The scallywags at the Center for Counterin’ Digital Nonsense be countin’ 50 tall tales, all debunked, yet still sailin’ the digital seas! Har har!
August 8, 2024, 10:14 am
Arrr, me hearties! A ruckus be afoot in Kursk, where them Ukrainian scallywags be plunderin'! Governor Smirnov be raisin' the alarm, sayin' it’s time to shoo away the pesky foes. Alas, five poor souls be joinin' Davy Jones, and 31 be sportin' a few new bruises!
August 8, 2024, 9:12 am
Arrr, matey! Imane Khelif be battlin' fer shiny gold! The lass from Algeria, with her sea legs questioned, sailed into the final round o' the 66 kg brawl in Paris, bestin' Janjaem Suwannapheng by unanimous vote! Though no cannon fire, 'twas clear she ruled the deck, savvy?
August 8, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr, mateys! The Ukrainian captain Denys Shmyhal be shoutin' from the crow's nest that the good ol' US of A dropped a treasure chest of $3.9 billion into their coffers! Aye, 'tis the first bounty of 2024, with more loot to sail in, makin' it $7.8 billion in total! Avast!
August 8, 2024, 4:44 am
Arrr, matey! The Airbnb treasure sunk 14% in the night tide, as their doubloons fell short of the wise seafarers’ forecasts. They be speakin’ of a slowdown in landlubber demand! Earnings per share be 86 cents, when they be hopin’ for 92! The gold still flows, but not like before!
August 8, 2024, 4:38 am
Arrr, mateys! The powers that be have scuttled three of Miss Swift's shindigs in Austria, claimin' they thwarted a dastardly plot! Now, the good folk o' Vienna be feelin' as blue as a barnacle, and the businesses be shiverin' in their boots! Aye, safety first, but what a jolly mess!
August 8, 2024, 4:35 am
Arrr, mateys! Special Counsel Weiss be spillin' the beans, claimin' Hunter Biden pocketed gold from a sneaky Romanian scallywag lookin’ to bend Uncle Sam’s ear. Next month, they be settin' sail with proof in the tax case, callin' for the court to toss Biden's fancy requests overboard! Yarrr!
August 7, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrr, Sen. JD Vance be callin' out Gov. Tim Walz for slippin' his military duty like a greased pig and spinnin' tall tales 'bout bein' a sea dog veteran! At a ruckus in Detroit, Vance laughed, claimin' he rose from the depths of poverty, not from the Ivy League seas!
August 7, 2024, 4:52 pm
Arrr! It be said that Cap'n Walz, when the call of battle rang, he be settin' sail for politics instead! Aye, he abandoned ship just as his crew was off to Iraq! That be a fine mess for the landlubbers to chew on!
August 7, 2024, 3:40 pm
Arrr, mateys! Republican scallywag J.D. Vance be callin’ out ol’ Tim Walz for makin’ a cowardly dive from the Army National Guard like a rat from a sinking ship ’fore sailin’ to Iraq! Them veterans be claimin’ he left ‘em high and dry—shameful, I say!
August 7, 2024, 3:38 pm
Arrr, matey! After the high court’s decree to scuttle Roe v. Wade, it seems the landlubbers be havin’ more wee ones aboard! A report says scallywags in blue states be usin' magic screens to help the desperate. With the elections on the horizon, the tides be shifting!
August 7, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr matey! At times, a fancy carriage would roll up our stony lane, and a landlubber in a dapper suit would leap out. He'd be peddlin' overpriced trinkets or seekin' to plunder our land, which me granddad said, “Ye can’t trade it for naught, as they be makin’ no more!” After a handshake, he’d be off. "Count yer fingers, lad!" growled Grandpa Arnie.
August 7, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr, matey! This be sacred turf for the U.S. sky sailors, where NASA charted a course to the moon many moons ago! Florida’s Space Coast, filled with palm trees, be preparin’ for a sight more bizarre than a three-headed sea serpent—Elon Musk's colossal Starship, the mightiest cannon in the heavens!
August 7, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' the Democrat crew be tryin' to spin a tall tale 'bout Governor Walz bein' a fine first mate fer Kamala! But lo! Under his watch, Minnesota be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole below deck, laggin' behind like a landlubber in a race!
August 7, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr matey! Not long past, I spied a ruckus of fisticuffs from the year twenty-one! Young Imane Khelif, a lass from Algeria, took to the ring in Tokyo, sparkin’ chaos in the landlubbers’ minds! The announcer be sayin’ Harrington’s skills be grand while Khelif danced like a drunken sea dog! Har har har!
August 6, 2024, 7:50 pm
Arrr, mateys! Kamala be vowin’ to keep the Biden-Harris border shenanigans afloat! But lo and behold, the parchment from June be lettin’ in scallywags and landlubbers alike! It be sayin’ the Homeland Chief can let in any swab who sails up proper-like! Yo ho, what a merry mess!
August 6, 2024, 7:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala Harris be makin' her matey known: Minnesota's own Gov. Tim Walz, a jolly good fellow with a heart of gold! But beware, for his compass ain't always pointed to progress! With the winds of Gaza blowin' fierce, many a sailor be questionin' the captain's course!
August 6, 2024, 7:41 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! In the fair port of Philadelphia, Governor Walz be a stranger to most landlubbers 'cept those from Minnesota. But as Vice President Harris named him first mate for the 2024 voyage, the crew be shoutin’ his tale across the seven seas of social media! Yarrr!
August 6, 2024, 7:38 pm
Arrr, matey! Minnesota's Gov'nor Walz be makin' his grand entrance, joinin' Vice President Harris at a raucous shindig in Philly! He be takin' on that scallywag Trump, tryin' to keep the Democrats' spirits high! A mighty crew of 10,000 gathered, the biggest haul yet! What be this election all 'bout, ye ask?
August 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, matey! Vice Captain Kamala be settin’ sail with Tim Walz, the merry lad of Minnesota, leavin’ Josh Shapiro, the Jew of Pennsylvania, in the dust! Shapiro was the favorite to join her crew, but Walz’s ship be catchin’ the wind with some jolly progressive winds! Aye, what a hullabaloo!
August 6, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, with a line as viral as a cursed treasure map—“these scallywags be odd!”—Tim Walz be sailing into the race for Kamala’s first mate! At 60, he’s a hearty sailor, a schoolmaster, and a gridiron buccaneer, ready to clash with the Republican cutthroats! Blimey!
August 6, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, matey! Minnesota's cap’n Walz be catchin' the web's eye, callin' them Republicans a bunch o' odd sea critters! His jests be sailin' far and wide, makin' him the first mate to Kamala’s captaincy. He lists what we Democrats be wantin', and he’s steered fine in rough waters!
August 6, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr, matey! Jenna Ellis, once the legal parley for Cap’n Trump, now be spillin' the beans on her scallywag mates in the Arizona rigged election caper! In return fer her testimony, the state buccaneers be lettin' her off the hook. Aye, first of many to walk the plank!
August 5, 2024, 7:11 pm
Arrr! On the high seas o’ justice, a federal judge hath landed a cannonball on Google’s hull! The ol’ search scallywags be found guilty o’ hoardin’ treasure and lettin' no one else in the chest! Judge Mehta be callin' 'em a true monopolist, savvy?
August 5, 2024, 7:09 pm
Ahoy, mateys! A U.S. judge be sayin’ Google be guilty of hoardin' treasure and creatin' a monopoly, aye! They spent a king’s ransom to be the top searchin' ship on the digital seas. A second trial be comin’, and perhaps we’ll see Google split like a treasure chest! Arrr!
August 5, 2024, 7:09 pm
Arrr! The Justice crew and a fleet o' state attorneys be celebratin' a grand victory over the scallywag Google! A judge declared the search giant a thievin' monopolist, hoardin' 90 percent o' the treasure in the online search seas, thanks to a sneaky deal with Apple’s Safari! Yarrr!
August 5, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr, on the mornin’ of Monday, a wise judge declared that Google be a scallywag, usin’ its mighty search engine to keel-haul the competition! This news be stirrin’ the seas of the internet, threatenin’ to shackle one of the finest treasure fleets in the digital realm! Avast!
August 5, 2024, 4:42 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! Justice Clarence Thomas, the rogue of the Supreme Court, went against the crew on Monday, stoppin' Missouri from takin' a swing at New York over ol' Alvin Bragg's chase after Captain Trump. That scallywag's been found guilty o' 34 misdeeds and faces the hangman’s noose come September! Arrr!
August 5, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr! Bloomberg tossed Jennifer Jacobs overboard after she spilled the beans on a prisoner trade that freed the WSJ scribe, Evan Gershkovich, before the captain gave the all-clear! The lass, a White House scribe, penned the tale, but alas, she set sail too soon, breakin' the embargo! Huzzah!
August 5, 2024, 4:23 pm
Arrr, the markets be sinkin' like a ship with a hole, matey! Japan’s treasure chest dipped a hefty 12.4%! South Korea and Taiwan ain't faring much better, down over 8%! If ye be feelin' bold, now’s the time to plunder those stocks at a discount! Otherwise, batten down the hatches!
August 5, 2024, 10:48 am
Avast, me hearties! The U.S. Navy be packin’ up its last stronghold in Niger, leavin’ local lads to fend off the scallywags of extremism! A crew of brave souls sailed away on a fine cargo ship, abandonin’ a fancy $110 million treasure trove built by the Pentagon. Arrr!
August 5, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr, President Biden be gatherin’ his crew o’ security swabs in the situation cabin on Monday, discussin’ the ruckus in the Middle East! Word be that a scallywag from Iran be fixin’ to strike Israel. He’ll also parley with King Abdullah of Jordan, o' course! Avast!
August 5, 2024, 10:44 am
Arrr! On the morrow, Vice President Kamala Harris be settin' sail in Philly with her new matey for a grand rally! They'll be chattin' with landlubbers ‘bout why they ain’t like that scallywag Trump. Aye, first of many swashbucklin’ adventures together, me hearties!
August 5, 2024, 10:21 am
Arrr, mateys! Secretary Blinken be warnin’ the G7 crew that them scallywags from Iran and Hezbollah might unleash their fury on Israel come Monday! He be tryin’ to whip up some last-minute diplomacy to keep the cannon fire at bay. Let’s hope they listen, lest we all walk the plank!
August 4, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, matey! In the year o' our Lord 2024, thievin' has soared like a crow's nest parrot, makin' shops flee the cities faster than a scallywag with a stolen booty! While the White House prances 'bout a drop in shiverin' violence, the cutthroats be pilferin' more than ever—24% in just half a year!
August 4, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr, matey! After hoardin' Grand Slam treasures and sittin' atop the rankings like a ship's captain, Novak craved an Olympic gold doubloon for Serbia—his last prize! At 37, he snatched it in a fierce duel with young Carlos! "I put me heart, me soul, and a parrot’s squawk into it!" Ha!
August 4, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, the Vatican be feelin’ blue over a jolly jest at the Paris Games, mockin' da Vinci's grand feast! They cried, “Alas! We be wounded, joinin’ the chorus o’ the offended faithful!” Aye, even the Pope be shakin’ his head at such antics, matey!
August 4, 2024, 11:26 am
Arrr, matey! The Trump crew be battlin' hard against the Project 2025 storm, but it be givin' the good ol' conservatives a right case o’ the jitters! They fear Captain Trump be tossin' overboard his loyal crew ‘cause o’ some fancy policy chart. Aye, it be a slippery sea ahead!
August 3, 2024, 1:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden-Harris crew has scuttled a dubious scheme that let a horde of scallywags from four lands sail right into the U.S. each month! Turns out, the whole rig was more crooked than a two-headed coin! No more free passage for them rascals!
August 3, 2024, 1:23 pm
Arrr, matey! A scallywag lawyer from Florida be confessin’ to tryin’ to blow up the Chinese embassy with a rifle, and he took aim at a statue o’ them commie blokes, Lenin and Mao! A real landlubber he be, settin’ sail for trouble! Avast, he be awaitin’ the captain’s judgment!
August 3, 2024, 1:18 pm
Avast, mateys! Word sailed 'round that Moscow's birds were flappin’ for a grand prisoner swap! Marc Fogel, a landlubber teacher, caught three years o’ a 14-year sentence fer sneakin’ in a wee stash of green. He claimed it be fer his achin’ bones! Blimey, what a pickle!
August 3, 2024, 1:15 pm
Arrr, matey! A fine Friday feast turned foul, with 37 landlubbers sent to Davy Jones' locker and 212 left worse for wear at a beach tavern in Mogadishu! Blame the scallywags of al Shabaab, says the health captain. Aye, ‘tis the deadliest shenanigan in these waters for some time!
August 2, 2024, 9:04 pm
Arrr matey! On Friday, the stocks took a dive sharper than a cutlass, after news o’ a pitiful jobs report. The market index be droppin’ 1.84%, while the Nasdaq sank 2.43%! Even the Dow Jones be feelin’ the sting, fallin’ over 610 points! Aye, a storm brews on the horizon!
August 2, 2024, 6:16 pm
Arrr! The treasure charts be takin' a dive, all thanks to a dismal job report! The Trump crew be scallywaggin' the Democrats, claimin' a storm be brewin’. “Kamala be flauntin’ her co-pirate role with Joe on ‘Bidenomics,’ pumpin’ inflation like a hearty brew!” said a scrawl from the deck.
August 2, 2024, 6:14 pm
Arrr, how swiftly the tides do change! Just a tick o’ the clock ago, the treasure charts be risin' like a well-fed sea monster! Now they be plummetin' like a drunken sailor! The Nasdaq be takin' a dive, and Japan’s Topix be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole in her hull!
August 2, 2024, 6:09 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Wall Street be shakin' like a ship in a storm on Friday, as stocks took a nosedive! A report on the July hiring had investors quakin' in their boots, thinkin’ the Federal Reserve be slower than a barnacle on a hull. The tech treasures be lookin' less shiny!
August 2, 2024, 2:34 pm
Arrr! The landlubbers in the U.S. be claimin’ that Edmundo González Urrutia bested the scallywag Maduro in a rigged election! Yet, as the cannon roared, 17 brave souls met their fate, and hundreds were tossed in the brig! Over 12 million set sail to vote, but the fix be in, matey!
August 2, 2024, 2:33 pm
YARRR, matey! The U.S. be claimin' a scallywag as the true captain of Venezuela, givin' ol' Maduro a right good shove to walk the plank! Secretary Blinken be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest, sayin’ the tides be turnin’ against the swab who thinks he’s still king o’ the seas!
August 2, 2024, 10:36 am
Arrr matey! In the month of July, the ship of job growth be sailin’ slower than a drunken sea turtle! Only 114,000 hearty souls found work, and the unemployment rate be risin’ like a ghost ship, now at 4.3%! The treasure of prosperity be hidin’, I tell ye!
August 2, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr matey! In the month of July, the seas o' work grew chilly, with only 114,000 brave souls findin’ plunder, far shy of the 175,000 forecasted booty. Meanwhile, the unemployment curse be risin’ to 4.3%, the highest since the days of October 2021. Avast! What a shiverin' tale!
August 2, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr! The Guardian be callin’ Ismail Haniyeh a “politician” instead o’ a scallywag, even though he be captaining a crew o’ ruffians! A burly lad with a footie fancy and a faith in the stars, he sailed from Doha, makin’ mischief till his last breath in Tehran!
August 2, 2024, 10:28 am
Arrr, matey! The labor seas be calmer than a calm day in Tortuga! Only 114,000 scallywags found work last month, and the unemployment flag be flyin’ high at 4.3%! Aye, we be worryin’ the ship's takin’ on water and headin’ for a stormy recession, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 7:04 pm
Arrr, matey! Senate cap’n Chuck Schumer and 34 scallywags be settin’ sail on a bill to rob ol’ Trump of his mighty shield! Dubbed the “No Kings Act,” it be sayin’ no captain nor first mate be above the law, even if the high court be tryin’ to play pirates!
August 1, 2024, 2:57 pm
Arrr! Meta's clever contraption be sworn to silence 'bout the foul deed aimed at Captain Trump, 'tis what they claim! These crafty chatbots be as lost as a ship in a fog when news be breakin’. Even ol’ ChatGPT and Claude be flounderin’ on the matter! Har har!
August 1, 2024, 2:48 pm
Arrr, matey! The Paris Games be claimin’ to be the greenest treasure hunt ever! But experts be whisperin’ of “greenwashin’,” sayin’ it be all smoke ‘n mirrors! They aim to slice carbon emissions in half, tossin’ over $16 million at credits like doubloons to clean up the mess!
August 1, 2024, 2:43 pm
Arrr matey! A study be sayin’ trust in them landlubber doc’s plummeted like a cannonball in a storm during the COVID tempest. Those scallywags who doubt the healers be less likely to roll with the vaccination crew! Restorin’ that trust be a tricky sea to navigate, savvy?
August 1, 2024, 2:05 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Democrats be settin’ sail for a virtual vote on Thursday mornin’, to crown the fair Kamala Harris as their likely captain! Aye, ‘tis a race of ballots 'til the clock strikes six on Aug. 5. Biden's ship sank, and now Harris be takin’ the helm!
August 1, 2024, 9:32 am
Arrr, matey! In the summer sun, young scallywags be scoopin’ ice cream or keepin’ watch at the pool, but a crew o’ landlubber officials be dreamin’ of sendin’ ‘em to perilous factories! Aye, what be next—shiverin’ timbers for pocket change? Ha!
August 1, 2024, 9:25 am
Arrr mateys, gather 'round! Here be the tale of Captain Trump, who claimed the fair Kamala be a lass of Indian blood, 'til one fine mornin’ she decided to don the black coat! Aye, the crew be laughin’ as he spun his yarns at the Black journalist’s feast!
August 1, 2024, 9:12 am
Arrr! Once a fierce foe of frackin’, Vice President Kamala Harris be swabbin’ the deck and changin’ her tune now that she’s the Democrats’ captain for the 2024 voyage! With Pennsylvanian scallywags holdin’ the treasure map, frackin’ be keepin’ over 100,000 landlubbers employed! Avast, mateys!
August 1, 2024, 9:00 am
Arrr, mateys! The crew of “Karens fer Kamala” be sailin’ with Sam Brinton and that rascally monkeypox wrangler, Joe Biden! They be pointin’ fingers at “weirdness” in their quest against Trump! The GOP be claimin’ it’s a battle o’ landlubbers against scallywags, with Sarah Sanders leadin’ the charge!
July 31, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr, matey! The FBI be settin' sail with the social-media scallywags again, chattin' ‘bout what ye can say before the 2024 election! The judges dealt a nasty blow to the free-speech crew, so prepare for a storm o' content moderation, savvy? Aye, it be a jolly good hullabaloo!
July 31, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, matey! After the high court spurned them scallywags tryin' to halt the chat 'twixt the crown and the tech buccaneers, a report be spillin' the beans! It claims our spies be blabberin' like drunken sailors. The lawmen be needin' to keep their parley shipshape! Avast!
July 31, 2024, 4:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Trump be squawkin' that Kamala be foolin' the crew ‘bout her colors! At a gathering of scribes in Chicago, he be claimin’ he thought her blackness be a surprise from the depths of Davy Jones’ locker! Blimey, what news be this?
July 31, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr, me hearties! So, Trump sails in at the Black Journalist shindig, claimin' Kamala be a chameleon! “I thought she be all Indian till she fancied herself Black!” he squawks, like a parrot with a sore throat. A right jolly mix-up, I say! Avast, what a scallywag!
July 31, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, former Captain Trump be takin' the wind outta Vice Captain Harris's sails! She calls his crew "weird," but he be laughin’ like a parrot! With tales of Hannibal Lecter and Vance’s babblin’ ’bout childless scallywags, it be clear who’s truly barmy on this treacherous sea!
July 31, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr! The Boar’s Head crew be callin’ back a mighty 7 million pounds o’ their deli treasure, as listeria be lurkin’! Thar be 34 scallywags ill across 13 lands, with two brave souls meetin’ Davy Jones. Last week, they tossed back over 207,000 pounds of their meaty bounty. Avast!
July 31, 2024, 11:08 am
Arrr, matey! A flaming sea chariot tossed into a gully be the culprit of a fiery beast that's ravaged the land! The Park Fire be stretchin' over 386,000 acres—'tis like half o' Rhode Island! The landlubbers be tryin' to tame it, but it's only 18% contained! Blimey!
July 31, 2024, 10:42 am
Ahoy mateys! Captain Biden be givin' Congress a nudge t’fight the foul scourge o’ fentanyl afore he weighs anchor! Meanwhile, that scallywag Trump be layin' cannon fire on First Mate Harris, claimin' she’s as useless as a barnacle on a barn door in this fierce battle 'gainst the sneaky drugs and rogues comin' from the south! Arrr!
July 30, 2024, 3:29 pm
Arrr, mateys! Ol' Ronald Rowe, the new head of the Secret Service, be spillin’ his guts in front o’ Congress! He claimed he be “ashamed” that his crew was blind as a bat to the scallywag tryin’ to take down the former Captain Donald! A right mess, I tell ye!
July 30, 2024, 3:26 pm
Ahoy, mateys! On the thirtieth day of July, a scallywag tried to send the Republican captain Trump to Davy Jones' locker! This young knave, known as Crooks, be spoutin' vile words 'gainst Jews and newcomers on the interwebs like a bilge-sucking landlubber! Yarrr!
July 30, 2024, 3:24 pm
Arrr, the head o’ the Secret Service be spillin’ his guts like a scallywag caught in a storm! He be feelin’ shame fer lettin’ a landlubber with a shootin' iron take aim at the former captain, Donald Trump! Promised to keelhaul any matey who slacked on guardin’ the crow’s nest!
July 30, 2024, 2:46 pm
Arrr, on the day o’ the thirtieth of July, the scallywags of the Israel Defense Forces be sayin’ they sent a cannonball flurry at a Hezbollah captain in Beirut! They claim he be the knave who sent twelve wee lads to Davy Jones’ locker whilst kickin’ a ball. Hezbollah, of course, be denyin’ the whole ruckus!
July 30, 2024, 12:40 pm
Arrr, matey! It seems our ol' Donald be shiverin’ in his boots, ponderin’ if he should duel the fair Vice Captain Kamala! He be sayin’ he “might” show up, but he’s also eyein’ the horizon for a way out! Her crew’s callin’ him a scallywag! Ha!
July 30, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, matey! The FBI be spillin' the beans to the Senate swabs, claimin' they’ve spotted a social media parley tied to that ruffian, Thomas Crooks. His ramblings smell of anti-Jewish and anti-foreigner bilge, hintin' at motives more twisted than a kraken’s tentacle! Blimey!
July 30, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr matey! Meta be coughin' up a treasure of $1.4 billion to settle a ruckus with Texas, claimin' they plundered the biometric booty of countless scalawags without askin' permission! The Texas Attorney General, Ken Paxton, be lettin' the world know this tale o' thievery!
July 30, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr matey! In every grand election, the scallywags of the Democrats and Republicans be hurlin' jabs at the fine treasures of Social Security and Medicare! The old sea dogs be savvy voters, but beware, me hearties! Them claims be fishy. Even Vice President Harris be spoutin' tall tales at her first rally!
July 30, 2024, 11:20 am
Avast, me hearties! That scallywag Trump be sayin’ if ye cast yer lot with him this November, ye’ll never have to hoist the sails of voting again! He be lovin’ ye so much, he claims he’ll fix it all up nice and tidy! Yarrr!
July 29, 2024, 12:48 pm
Arrr, matey! The streets o' Caracas be quieter than a shipwrecked sailor's conscience! Edmundo González be hollerin' with his fierce matey, Maria Corina Machado, claimin' foul play! Some scallywags be burnin' tires and blockin' paths, but they say González truly sailed the electoral seas to victory, aye!
July 29, 2024, 12:46 pm
Ahoy mateys! Gather 'round fer a yarn o' two moving picture scrolls! Last Wednesday, the first be showin' a lawman from Greater Manchester givin' a poor lad a kick in the noggin! The coppers claimed they were attacked, but when the townsfolk raised a ruckus, they swung their tale ‘round! Arrr!
July 29, 2024, 12:43 pm
Arrr, mateys! They be sayin’ ol’ Nicolás Maduro, the scourge o’ the seas, has snagged a third term! Aye, the crew be hollerin’ “foul play!” whilst the trusty Elvis Amoroso, close mate o’ the captain, be spillin’ the beans at witching hour. A true tale of pirate treachery!
July 29, 2024, 12:34 pm
Arrr, mateys! In a grand tussle o' ballots, both Captain Maduro and his rival be claimin' the treasure o' victory! With 80% o' the votes tallied, Maduro be havin' 51%, while poor Edmundo be flounderin' with 44%! Aye, fraud be afoot on the high seas o' democracy!
July 29, 2024, 10:30 am
Arrr, mateys! House Speaker Mike Johnson be raisin’ a ruckus 'bout the Olympic shindig, claimin’ a drag queen’s jest o' Da Vinci’s Last Supper be a right blasphemy! He bellowed it be shockin’ and insultin’ to the good Christian folk watchin’ from afar! Yarr, what a hullabaloo!
July 29, 2024, 10:28 am
Avast, me hearties! The scallywags runnin' the Paris games be apologizin' after the pious folk and stiff-collared politicians raised a ruckus over a raucous scene that stank o’ da Vinci’s “Last Supper.” “No disrespect intended!” cried the spokeswoman, clutchin' her pearls. Arrr, lighten up, ye landlubbers!
July 29, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, matey! The scallywags runnin' the Paris Games be apologizin' to any landlubber offended by their fancy tableau that tickled da Vinci's "Last Supper." The holy rollers be ragin', but the organizers be holdin' fast to their wild idea! Avast! 'Twas a DJ on the Debilly Bridge, not a betrayal!
July 29, 2024, 8:55 am
Arrr, matey! In the wild seas o' Venezuela, Captain Maduro be claimin' victory in the presidential squabble, despite the scallywags of opposition thinkin’ this be their year to hoist him overboard! But, shiver me timbers, the vote be more crooked than a sailor's peg leg, sparkin’ a ruckus at the polls!
July 28, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, mateys! Just yestereve, Captain Trump be tellin' his crew, “Vote not again if ye hoist me flag!” Aye, at the grand Turning Point, he promised, “It be all fixed! No more ballot botherin’, me fine Christian buccaneers!” A right jolly joke on democracy, that!
July 28, 2024, 11:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! Trump be tellin' the good Christians, “Vote fer me, and in four years, ye won’t need t’ bother again! We’ll have it all shipshape!” But what be this ruckus ‘bout democracy? Seems the ol’ captain's steerin’ us into murky waters again! Har har har!
July 28, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Atlantic be spillin' the beans that ol' Trump be swearin' to his crew o' Christians: “Vote? Never again!” he be claimin’. At the Turning Point Gathering, he promised a world where ballots be fer the gullible! Hoist the sails of absurdity, I say!
July 28, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr, on the morrow, the fine folk of Venezuela be settin’ sail to the polls, seekin’ to hoist a new captain after a decade of mutiny! Maria Corina Machado be rallyin’ the crew, makin’ even the Chavistas wanna jump ship! Let the election frolic begin, ye hearties!
July 27, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye, me hearties! After a month o' political squalls, Thursday's latest Times/Siena treasure map reveals a curious find! Trump be sailin' ahead of Kamala by a mere point—48 to 47! Aside from that pesky Democratic name, it be the same ol’ seas we've charted before! Arrr!
July 27, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, matey! In the latest treasure map of votes, Vice Admiral Kamala be laggin' 2 points behind that scallywag Trump! Aye, 'tis 47% for her and 49% for him, since Captain Biden be sailin' away from the race. The winds of fortune be a-blowin’!
July 27, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr matey! The battle fer the captain's hat be a close sailin' indeed! A fresh scroll from the Wall Street Journal be showin’ Kamala gainin’ favor with the crew of nonwhite scallywags, whilst Democrats be more fired up than a cannonball! Trump be leadin’ by a hair, but watch yer compass!
July 26, 2024, 9:13 pm
Arrr! Former captain o’ the White House, Donald Trump, be greetin’ Benjamin Netanyahu at his treasure hideout in Florida, just after the Israeli lad parleyed with Biden and that fair wench, Kamala. Trump be sayin’ the world’s on the brink o’ a mighty clash, but fear not—he’ll fix it all quick-like if elected!
June 18, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr mateys, me hearties! Methinks that President Biden be not in the best of health. 'Tis a truth widely known, though once upon a time 'twas forbidden to speak of it. I spied his fumbling speech on August 16, 2021, and knew then that he couldn't run for office, not even if chased by a pack of hungry sea dogs!
June 18, 2024, 5:32 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Beware the treacherous waters of Tether, for it be a haven for scallywags and rapscallions! The scurvy dogs be usin' it to fund their dastardly deeds. Wise up, me hearties, and steer clear of this digital booty before ye find yerself in Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!
June 18, 2024, 5:30 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! A band of jolly New Yorkers did spy the scallywag responsible for a vile act of piracy against a lass of only 13 years. They did seize the villain and hold him captive until the constables arrived. This knave, Christian Geovanny Inga-Landi, a lawless 25-year-old from Ecuador, did sneak into the country unlawfully in 2021. He had already run afoul of the law in Texas and New York City before setting his sights on innocent maidens in a Queens park. Oh, the audacity of this scurvy dog!
June 18, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arr mateys, ye be hearin' the tale of Fisker, a landlubber startup tryin' to follow in Tesla's wake, only to end up swimmin' with the sharks in Davy Jones' locker. This scallywag car designer couldn't steer the ship right, now they be walkin' the plank into bankruptcy waters. Aye, they tried to take the shortcut through outsourcing, but the sea of auto industry proved too treacherous for their scurvy crew. Farewell, Fisker, may ye find smoother sailin' in the next life!
June 18, 2024, 5:50 am
Avast ye mateys! George Norcross, a scallywag of the Democratic political realm in New Jersey, be accused of racketeering by the likes of Attorney General Matthew Platkin. His brother, Phillip Norcross, and four other scurvy dogs be in cahoots as well. Arrr, a "criminal enterprise" they be runnin'!
June 18, 2024, 5:47 am
Arrr mateys, there be a rumblin' on the border between the United States and Mexico o'er a squabble 'bout water, not booty! Mexico be in hot waters, unable to meet its obligations from the Colorado River and Rio Grande. Methinks some politicians be talkin' out o' the side o' their mouths! Aye, the plunderin' of water be a mighty serious matter, indeed!
June 17, 2024, 5:14 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them Western leaders be givin' ol' Putin the ol' heave-ho, standin' by Ukraine's demands for their land back. The Global Peace Summit ended with Ukraine still squawkin' for their territories. Arrr, it be a tussle fit for the high seas!
June 17, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr! The scallywags at Palestine Action be showin' off their plunderin' skills by breakin' into a military factory and causin' mayhem. They be claimin' they broke through 3 security fences like true pirates, sabotagin' the equipment used to arm the Gaza genocide. Ye gotta admire their pirate spirit!
June 17, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr matey! Ye won't believe it, but the top spy agency in the US be celebratin' Pride Month by havin' agents paint the transgender flag on their nails, joinin' a "Pride Ally Challenge," and learnin' from a "non-binary," "Filipinx" activist! Me parrot couldn't make this up, it be in a secret scroll from The Daily Wire!
June 17, 2024, 5:07 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The treasure chests of Social Security be runnin' dry, and Congress best be makin' some changes if they want to keep the booty flowin'. The scallywags in charge be warnin' that by 2035, yer monthly loot could be cut by hundreds o' pieces o' eight. Aye, it be a grim situation indeed!
June 17, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, mateys! This year be crucial for democracy, with 'alf o' the world's population in countries holdin' elections. With international migration at a record high, it be a hot topic in electoral campaigns. We've invited a savvy crew o' scholars to share how migration be shapin' elections and democracy in their own land. Aye, 'tis sure to be a lively discussion!
June 17, 2024, 11:07 am
Avast ye mateys! A grand antitrust bill be settin' sail in Congress to tame the Big Tech beasts, but whispers be sayin' them sneaky Democrats with Silicon Valley connections be tryin' to scuttle their own ship. Rep. Jerry Nadler be raisin' the Jolly Roger to bring back the American Innovation and Competition Online Act, to prevent Big Tech from favorin' their own loot. Yarrr, may the winds of change blow in our favor!
June 17, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr mateys, the scuffle betwixt the Sudanese army and the Rapid Support Forces hath birthed a monstrous humanitarian debacle! 9 million souls be scurrying away, with famine knockin' on the door and whispers of genocide in the wind. But beware, for the rumblings in Gaza and Ukraine be stealin' the spotlight!
June 17, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the House be boilin' over with rage at the Biden crew! They be claimin' that the treasure meant for the needy in Afghanistan be fallin' into the hands of them dirty Taliban dogs. Rep. Mast be callin' out the State Department for their wasteful ways like a true pirate plunderin' the high seas! Aye, a fine show indeed!
June 17, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that Trump be havin' the upper hand in the election come November! The scallywags at 538 be usin' all sorts o' tricks to predict the outcome, but it be lookin' like Trump be sailin' ahead with a four-point lead over Biden. Avast!
June 17, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! There be a sight to behold at the graduation ceremony, with more Palestinian flags than ye can shake a peg leg at! The students be protestin' the war in Gaza, makin' a splash like a cannonball in the sea. The president's speech be interrupted by the rebel yell of the students, aye!
June 17, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast ye scallywags! A search be underway for a 59-year-old landlubber who be missing after a hike on a Greek island. This former deputy be lost in the scorching heat, with temperatures as hot as the fires of Hell! Let's hope he be found afore he keels over from exhaustion! Arrr!
June 17, 2024, 4:36 am
Arrrr, me hearties! 'Twas the talk of the town, aye! The scallywags in the mainstream media were as silent as a sleeping sea slug! But ye see, there was a clever reason for their silence. The rumor mill churned with tales of a 50-year-old pact between the U.S. and Saudi Arabia bein' broken! Aye, the end of the mighty U.S. dollar be near, me buckos!
June 16, 2024, 1:15 pm
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be takin' aim at them 'far out' conservative Supreme Court scallywags and be blastin' Donald Trump while rubbin' elbows with former President Obama at a swanky fundraiser in Los Angeles. Protests be brewin' outside as the president be fillin' his coffers for his reelection bid alongside Obama. Arrr, the event be haulin' in more than gold doubloons...
June 16, 2024, 12:41 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Hollywood's finest swashbucklers gathered to raise a treasure chest worth $30 million for President Joe Biden's campaign. The likes of George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Barbra Streisand strutted their stuff on stage, rallying support for a battle of historic proportions in the White House. Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 12:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be talkin' smack 'bout the U.S. Supreme Court, callin' 'em out o' kilter! He be raisin' a treasure trove o'er $30 million with his matey Obama and Hollywood swashbucklers. Late-night scallywag Jimmy Kimmel be makin' Trump walk the plank with cheers from the crowd at Peacock Theater! Aye, 'twas a jolly good time!
June 16, 2024, 6:17 am
Arrr mateys, the Stanford Internet Observatory, known fer exposin' the false information spreadin' like scurvy on social media, be in dire straits! Most o' its crew be walkin' the plank, and the ship may be sinkin' amid political and legal attacks. Just a few scallywags be left standin', lookin' fer a safe harbor at Stanford's Cyber Policy Center. Aye, the storm be brewin' on the horizon!
June 16, 2024, 6:16 am
Arrr mateys! The Stanford Internet Observatory be in dire straits, with key crew members jumpin' ship like rats fleein' a sinkin' vessel. Founding director Alex Stamos and research director Renée DiResta be abandonin' ship, leavin' a scant crew scurvy and seekin' new employment. Aye, tis a rough sea they sail on, me hearties!
June 16, 2024, 6:15 am
Arrr, mateys! The Stanford Internet Observatory, a scallywag crew studying online falsehoods, be walkin' the plank! The rumour mill says they be closin' shop. The House Judiciary Committee be investigatin' their shenanigans with the University of Washington. Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a tale worth tellin'!
June 16, 2024, 5:38 am
Avast ye scallywags! Listen up, for I be tellin' ye a tale of great mirth and folly. Aye, 'tis a tale of misadventure and tomfoolery on the high seas. So gather 'round, me hearties, and prepare to be regaled with a yarn that'll tickle yer funny bone! Arrr!
June 16, 2024, 4:59 am
Arrrr, ye scallywags at CNN be settin' the rules for a grand presidential rumble 'tween Biden and Trump! Jake Tapper and Dana Bash be keepin' watch over the 90-minute battle, with two breaks for plunderin'. No talkin' to yer crew during the breaks, and a coin toss for where ye stand! No pre...booty allowed, mateys!
June 16, 2024, 4:57 am
Arrr mateys, listen here ye scallywags! The U.S. has seized the loot of three landlubbers from Uzbekistan and one from the Republic of Georgia for bein' in cahoots with the ISS and a human smuggling crew. Eight more scurvy dogs were caught in New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. The Treasury Dept. calls 'em Adam Khamirzaev, Muhammadyusuf Alisher Ogli Mirzoev, Muhammad... and the list goes on! Aye, the seas be full of treachery indeed!
June 16, 2024, 4:54 am
Arrr mateys, in less than a day, President Joe Biden voyaged from the G7 Summit to George Clooney's lair in Los Angeles. Aye, he be raisin' a mighty $28 million doubloons with the likes of Obama, Kimmel, Clooney, and Roberts. 'Tis a record booty for a Democratic fundraiser!
June 15, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys, every first Friday of this year we have wasted hours pickin' apart the blatant lies spread by Biden's Labor Department, tryin' to make us believe the economy be strong under their watch. But we know the truth - the labor data be as ugly as a sea monster's mug! Last Friday's nonfarm payrolls report be the latest example of their deceit. If ye didn't read our detailed analysis titled "Inside The Most Ridiculous Jobs Report In Years", then ye be missin' out on a good laugh, me hearties!
June 15, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr matey! Do ye believe the tale that the U.S. added 272,000 jobs last month? Aye, many scallywags doubt it too! The figures be as fishy as a mermaid's kiss, and likely to be revised lower. Even the chairman of the Federal Reserve be scratchin' his head at these shenanigans.
June 15, 2024, 11:32 am
Avast ye! Be the all-powerful American jobs market as feeble as it appears? Since the pestilence started to wane, employment be booming and makin' the US economy shine brighter than the rest. But beware, me hearties, for hidden beneath the surface, there be...
June 15, 2024, 6:19 am
Arrrgh me hearties! Fifteen moons hath passed since Cochrane took a blow to the noggin' and slapped a scarlet mark on its doubloons of research doubting the power of masks against the plague and the pox. The scallywags be declaring victory, but Cochrane be walkin' the plank with an anticlimactic whimper. They be lettin' the authors off the hook, arrrgh!
June 4, 2024, 4:43 pm
"Avast ye scallywags! Former President Donald Trump be layin' into President Joe Biden o'er his handling o' illegal immigration! Thar be a villainous illegal immigrant from Venezuela who shot two fine New York cops, arrr! Trump be claimin' Biden be unleashin' a wave o' crime upon the land, endangerin' the public! Yarrr!"
June 4, 2024, 4:42 pm
Avast ye scurvy jurors! Hunter Biden’s sea lawyer be spoutin' tales of denial 'bout his powder keg addiction. The scallywag claims he weren’t a true addict when he lied 'bout his gun quest in 2018. But the bilge-rat prosecutors be leavin' out the key word ‘knowingly’ in their charges against him. Arrr!
June 4, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Republican Texas Rep. Chip Roy be givin' Attorney General Merrick Garland a proper tongue-lashin' o'er them scallywag illegal immigrants causin' mischief under President Joe Biden's watch. The Department of Justice be suin' three red states, includin' Texas, for defendin' their borders. Roy be demandin' if Texas be havin' the right to protect itself from these landlubbers. Ahoy!
June 4, 2024, 4:37 pm
Arrr, the United Methodist Church be losin' more than a million scallywags o'er these new rules on premarital shenanigans and pirate lovin'. The church in the Ivory Coast be settin' sail from the denomination, takin' a stand for LGBTQ rights. Delegates be votin' 692-51 in Charlotte, yarrr!
June 4, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr mateys! President Biden, at the urging of his crew of Democrats, finally faced off against scallywag Donald J. Trump over his crimes in New York! At a grand feast in Connecticut, Biden spoke out against his foe, declaring the election battle has truly begun! Ahoy, the fight be on!
June 4, 2024, 10:23 am
Arrr mateys, on June 4th, the scallywags at Paramount Global be talkin' 'bout a grand restructuring plan to cut costs, sell off booty, and maybe even partner up for their streaming service. Just like a ship lost at sea, their fortunes be sinkin' faster than a leaky barrel!
June 4, 2024, 10:08 am
Arrr mateys! President Biden be braggin' 'bout his physical prowess, claimin' he could take on any scallywag reporter who dares question his age! In an interview with TIME magazine, he be talkin' 'bout still runnin' the ship even as an old sea dog of 85! Aye, a true buccaneer he be!
June 4, 2024, 10:08 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scuttlebutt be that former President Trump still be holdin' his slight edge in the latest Fox News Power Rankings. The forecast be sayin' the race be comin' down to four toss-up states. Arrr, may the best mate win in this high seas battle!
June 4, 2024, 4:35 am
"Avast ye scallywags! A cunning Columbia grad, who hath seen the wars of the world, bequeathed a treasure of $260 million to Bar-Ilan University in Israel. The largest booty ever received! Meanwhile, Harold Masor and his fair lady pledged $4.5 million to American Jewish University. Aye, amidst the protests of the pro-Palestine lot!"
June 4, 2024, 4:32 am
Arrr mateys! The US Treasury be makin' changes to the Cuban Assets Control Regulations, allowin' Cuban entrepreneurs to open a bank account in the land of the free! It be causin' quite a stir in Washington and beyond. Aye, let the treasure flow to support the brave souls of Cuba!
June 4, 2024, 4:30 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Moderna and Merck be claimin' they've found a treasure in the form of a new treatment for the dreaded skin cancer! Those who swigged the monthly mRNA brew and Merck's Keytruda potion be havin' better odds at survivin' the scurvy disease than those who just took Keytruda alone. Aye, it be a promising discovery indeed!
June 4, 2024, 4:21 am
Arrr! President Biden be callin' that scallywag Trump a "convicted felon" as if 'twas just another day on the high seas! 'Tis a jest fit for the tavern, me hearties! This be a tale of treachery and political plunderin' that would make even Blackbeard blush!
June 3, 2024, 4:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be standin' by his scurvy son, Hunter, as he faces a trial for wieldin' a gun unlawfully. The old salt be defendin' Hunter's battle against the grog addiction that led to this mess. Some scallywags be grumblin' about the President speakin' out, but he be standin' firm on his words. Fair winds and smooth sailin' to the Biden family in these troubled waters!
June 3, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! OPEC+ be keepin' the oil flow at a trickle, makin' the wallets of landlubbers cry out in agony! Arrr, by Davy Jones' locker, the scallywags be plannin' to make us pay through the nose for our precious grog come election time in 2024! We be walkin' the plank to higher energy prices, mark me words!
June 3, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr! House Judiciary Committee Cap'n Jim Jordan be suggestin' a grand plan to cut off the gold supply to them scallywag prosecutors causin' trouble! Special Counsel Jack Smith, Manhattan District Attorny Alvin Bragg, and Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis be feelin' the wrath! Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed!
June 3, 2024, 4:37 pm
Arrr mateys, hear ye! The land lubbers at universities be punishin' those scallywags who be supportin' the Palestinians! They be withholdin' their diplomas like a pirate hoardin' his treasure! The seas be stormy with arrests, but we pirates be laughin' at their folly. Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 11:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been said that Donald Trump be tryin' to steer clear o' claims o' lockin' up Hillary Clinton after he be the first U.S. president to walk the plank fer a crime. Last week, the scurvy dog was found guilty o' 34 counts o' falsifyin' records! Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 11:46 am
ARRR! Avast ye, me hearties! The scallywags of the Biden campaign be spreadin' lies about our former cap'n Trump tear-gassin' peaceful protesters for a photo-op! But fear not, for 'tis all proven FALSE! The inspector general be clearin' our cap'n of all wrongdoin'! Shiver me timbers, what a tale!
June 3, 2024, 11:10 am
Arr mateys, if Gov. Ron DeSantis had his say, Pride Month in Jacksonville would be as dull as a landlubber's haircut! Instead of rainbows on the Acosta Bridge, we'd be stuck with red, white, and blue for "Freedom Summer." Aye, a plot to spoil the fun indeed!
June 3, 2024, 11:07 am
Avast ye scallywags! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be cryin' to the high seas for the Supreme Court to save his sorry hide from the New York brig! The scurvy dog be found guilty of 34 counts o' deceit and trickery, makin' him the first former president to walk the plank fer felony crimes! Arrr!
June 3, 2024, 5:30 am
"Avast ye scallywags! The fair Claudia Sheinbaum be settin' sail as Mexico's first lass to take the helm as president. 'Tis a jolly good tale of bravery and beauty, with a crew of heroines by her side. Arrr, the winds of change be blowin' in our favor!"
June 3, 2024, 5:29 am
Arrr mateys, Claudia Sheinbaum be sailin' to victory as Mexico's first female president, inheritin' the project of her mentor Lopez Obrador. With the support of the poor, this climate scientist be winnin' with a plunderin' 58.3% to 60.7% of the vote. Aye, 'tis a triumph indeed!
June 3, 2024, 5:28 am
Arrr mateys, Claudia Sheinbaum be takin' the helm as Mexico's first lady president in a grand victory! Aye, this climate scientist be settin' sail with the Morena crew, carryin' on the legacy of the infamous Lopez Obrador. Let's see if her hugs can keep the scallywags at bay!
June 2, 2024, 11:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! President Biden hath vetoed a law that be messin' with the SEC's rules for keepin' hold of crypto loot. Traditional financial buccaneers be findin' it hard to offer services with this here policy in place. The Congress passed it, but the White House be sayin' nay. Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden hath vetoed H.J.Res. 109, a scallywag resolution aimin' to turn the Securities and Exchange Commission's approach to banks and crypto on its head. The resolution be takin' a swing at the SEC's guidance on how banks should handle customers' crypto assets, makin' it a right pain in the booty for them scurvy dogs to deal with. Banking groups be cryin' foul, sayin' it be costin' 'em a pretty penny. Aarrrr!
June 2, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr mateys! After the recent shockin' ETH ETF approval, some thought Biden be turnin' a new leaf on crypto. But alas, the scallywag vetoed the bill overturnin' the SEC's SAB 121! No treasure for us from that landlubber!
June 2, 2024, 7:21 am
In the 2010s, the scallywags of the business world tried to peddle their wares with a social twist. No longer could ye just hawk soap or soda - now ye had to push products that preached acceptance and peace! Some even tried to pass off their greed as noble values, but we all saw through their charade. Arrr, the marketing be as transparent as a glass bottom boat!
June 2, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr matey, listen up ye scallywags! Dollarization be happenin' when them foreign currencies be mixin' with our own. It be causin' a ruckus in them Eastern European lands too. The reasons be different fer each country, but it all boils down to the shaky nature of our own coin. Aye, be a wild ride indeed!
June 2, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers in Mexico be settin' sail to the polls on Sunday fer a grand election. 'Tis a sure bet that a female captain will take the helm fer the first time! Will it be Claudia Sheinbaum or Xóchitl Gálvez? Keep a weather eye on the horizon, me mateys!
June 2, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Ye see, graduation be a grand occasion fer many landlubbers in America. 'Tis when they be given that prized parchment, a diploma. But beware, ye swashbuckling scholars! Fer some scallywags who be joinin' protests, them degrees be walkin' the plank - at least for a spell! Arrr!
June 2, 2024, 5:35 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that the former President Trump be still able to cast his own vote this November, as long as he be not locked in a brig! In the Big Apple, even a scallywag with a record can still be a voter, if they be walking the plank free. Aye, the laws of the land be as treacherous as the open sea!
June 1, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! This Saturday be the start of “Pride” month, where LGBTQIA+ folks be celebratin' their cause. But beware, some swashbucklers be throwin' a fit o'er rainbow loot in stores. In 2023, even the likes o' Target be walkin' the plank for sellin' questionable booty meant fer wee ones. Aye, the seas be rough for these scallywags.
June 1, 2024, 11:03 am
Avast ye scallywags! Donald J. Trump be haulin' in a plunder of nearly $53 million in a mere 24 hours after his scurvy conviction! Shiver me timbers! The man be closin' the gap with that scallywag Biden faster than ye can say "pieces of eight!" Aye, 'tis a treasure trove indeed!
June 1, 2024, 9:58 am
Arrr mateys, Eric Trump, scallywag son of the now-convicted former President Trump, be boastin' 'bout his father's treasure chest - the campaign fundraising numbers! Aye, $16 million doubloons in one day! 'Tis a haul fit for a pirate king, arrr!
June 1, 2024, 7:04 am
Arrr mateys! Instead o' sendin' a fancy officer each time, some Colorado police crews be thinkin' 'bout sendin' a drone to answer certain 911 calls. While this plan may hold some promise, it also be raisin' alarmin' questions 'bout privacy. Aye, the times they be a-changin'!
May 31, 2024, 4:57 pm
Avast ye scallywags and listen well! 'Tis a tale of a bold lass, Whitley Temple, who be caught on the cursed camera stealin' a cop car and runnin' over a white officer. But fear not, for she be found not guilty of attemptin' murder by reason of insanity! Judge Tyria Walton be grantin' her a treatment plan instead of sendin' her to the brig. 'Tis a twist worthy of a jolly old sea shanty!
May 31, 2024, 4:54 pm
Arrr, Hunter Biden be talkin' like a scallywag sayin' it be unheard of to be charged for gun crimes like his deeds! But ol' David Jon Ray be walkin' the plank for his tax evasion and gun-totin' ways! Now Mr. Biden be facin' the same fate, aye, a knave in court he be!
May 31, 2024, 4:52 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scallywags who be challengin' Cap'n Trump in the presidential race be reactin' to his guilty verdict in a manner fit for landlubbers. They be blastin' them Democrats and keepin' their traps shut like a parrot in a storm. The jury be findin' Cap'n Trump guilty on all counts for his shenanigans with that saucy lass Stormy Daniels. South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott be postin'... Arrr!
May 31, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags of Hamas be givin' a hearty thumbs up to the ceasefire proposal from the land lubber Biden. We be ready to parley and make peace, as long as them pesky Israeli forces be sailin' off into the sunset! Let the reconstruction of Gaza begin, yo ho ho!
May 31, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! Harvard University be swearin' off stickin' its nose in matters that don't concern its core purpose. But let's be honest, it be a cynical move indeed. A university's duty be to educate, not be meddlin' in social squabbles. Harvard, stick to yer books!
May 31, 2024, 11:55 am
Arrr mateys! The Texas Supreme Court be standin' firm on keepin' the near-total abortion ban in place. They be sayin' a woman's life be worth protectin', but don't be messin' with the law or ye'll walk the plank! Aye, Justice Jane Bland be speakin' the truth, so ye best listen up, ye scallywags!
May 31, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys! Harvard be sayin' they'll keep their trap shut on matters o' public squabblin' unless it be interferin' with their core business. They be wise to keep their sails clear o' stormy waters, lest they be walkin' the plank! Yo ho ho!
May 31, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr matey, how can ye be followin' Jesus and that scallywag Trump? Many ain't followin' a man, they be chartin' a course for a grand adventure. The real question to be askin' be, "Where be the ship of our country sailin'?" And aye, Christians can definitely be supportin' Trump, especially after a trial that be lookin' like a landlubber's tale from Venezuela.
May 31, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr mateys! Ye be wonderin' what be in the chest? 'Tis a mystery like Brad Pitt in that movie about boxes. But now, Donald Trump faces the plank for his crimes. Will he walk the plank or escape like a slippery eel? Only time will tell, me hearties.
May 31, 2024, 5:29 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis be the news that Donald Trump, a scallywag of a former U.S. president, be found guilty of a crime! But fear not, for he still be roam free like a sly fox. Will he face the brig or escape the clink? Only time will tell, arrr!
May 31, 2024, 5:06 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywag known as Donald Trump has been deemed guilty as charged. Did anyone truly doubt it? The scurvy dog was caught red-handed in his deceitful ways, cookin' the books like a sneaky sea serpent. Let this be a lesson to all ye landlubbers!
May 30, 2024, 7:34 pm
Arrr mateys! This here viral image crafted by a mysterious AI shows Rafah summoning all to behold Israel's progress in Gaza. But alas, it be a sham! Noble Malala and model Gigi be fooled by this unreal view. The pro-Palestinian scallywags be playin' us fer fools with their tidy desert tents! Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scoundrel Trump may have been convicted of felonies in New York, but that won't keep him from reclaiming the presidency if the voters be in his favor. Legal scholars be sayin' the Constitution be havin' few requirements for the job. Arrr!
May 30, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr! 'Twas a dozen scallywags from Manhattan who found that scurvy dog, former President Donald Trump, guilty on 34 counts! 'Twas a risky gamble, but Alvin Bragg's crew came out victorious. 'Twas a convoluted case, but Trump's luck ran out this time, mateys!
May 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
"Arrr, 'Rigged' be a fine term favored by Donald Trump and his scallywags. It be describin' how them fancy institutions be twisted by the elite to thwart Trump and his crew. 'Tis a handy accusation for anything Trump be not likin', especially the 2020 election. Aye, Trump be cryin' 'Rigged' at every turn, like a parrot squawkin' in a storm."
May 30, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye mateys! Whilst the scurvy Donald Trump be on trial for his misdeeds, his shipmates in Congress be using their pirate powers to help him out. But alas, the verdict be guilty! The scallywag be facing 34 counts of trickery and falsehoods. Walk the plank, ye landlubber!
May 30, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at the Supreme Court be standin' with the National Rifle Association in a jolly First Amendment ruling! This be makin' it tougher for them state regulators to meddle with advocacy groups. The NRA be free to chase after that New York official who be messin' with their loot. Bully for them! Government officials be warned: hands off our treasure!
May 30, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags on the U.S. Supreme Court be helpin' out the National Rifle Association by revivin' their lawsuit against a tyrannical New York state official. Beware, ye public officials, lest ye be walkin' the plank for punishin' speech ye don't fancy! Justice Sotomayor be layin' down the law with a 9-0 decision, settin' the record straight for all ye landlubbers out there. Aye, tis a victory for all who love their precious right to bear arms!
May 30, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Supreme Court hath ruled in favor of the National Rifle Association, claimin' their First Amendment rights were violated by the scurvy dogs at the New York State Department of Financial Services. Justice Sonia Sotomayor be layin' down the law, sayin' the NRA's claims be plausibly alleged. Aye, the pirates be victorious in this legal battle!
May 30, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags on the jury be weighin' the evidence in Trump's trial like a pirate countin' his booty. Will they make history and send the former president to the brig for his misdeeds? Only time will tell, mateys!
May 29, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywag Democrats be plannin' to throw away $100 million doubloons on advertisin' to support the killin' of wee babes in the womb! Aye, they call it "The Reproductive Freedom Accountability Fund," but it be nothin' more than a scheme to win back the House with dark deeds. Har har har!
May 29, 2024, 5:21 pm
Arrr mateys! The former Cap'n Donald Trump be settin' up a fancy website for us scallywags on TikTok and other platforms to help us craft our videos. Aye, they be havin' talkin' points, clips, and even fancy AI tools to help us script our adventures. Ship ahoy!
May 29, 2024, 5:20 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! President Biden be spinning tales of his swashbuckling adventures in the Civil Rights Movement, despite confessing aforehand that he be not involved. Arrr! 'Tis a bold move, sailin' into battleground Pennsylvania with such a yarn. Methinks he be needin' a compass for his moral compass! Aye!
May 29, 2024, 5:17 pm
The charges against Scottie Scheffler were cast aside like a forgotten treasure map, a mere dozen days after the world's finest golfer found himself in a sticky situation on his way to the 2024 PGA Championship. His attorney swashbuckled his way to victory, leaving the judge and all involved in his wake. Arrr, justice be served!
May 29, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Skiboky Stora be accused o' commitin' multiple random assaults, bein' dubbed as hate crimes by the Manhattan district attorney. One of the victims even took to TikTok to tell the tale! Stora be facin' the judge, then chattin' with Lisa Rozner from CBS New York. Aye, a pirate's life be full o' twists and turns! Arrr!
May 29, 2024, 11:27 am
Arr mateys, the world be drownin' in a sea of $315 trillion in debt, as reported by the Institute of International Finance! 'Tis the biggest, fastest rise since World War II, all happenin' alongside this cursed Covid-19. Emerging markets be leadin' the charge with over $105 trillion in debt! Aye, we be sailin' into troubled waters, me hearties.
May 29, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr mateys! The giant panda habitat at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo has been as deserted as a lost treasure chest for six long months. But fear not, for by 2024, those beloved black-and-white bears will be back to shiver me timbers in Washington, D.C.! Aye, the panda drought shall be no more!
May 29, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The good news be that D.C. be gettin' back the giant pandas at the National Zoo. It be a joyous occasion for all ye Washingtonians who have been sufferin' through the panda-less days. Get ready for some jolly panda-monium, me hearties! Since China first sent these iconic bears in '72, they've been a treasure for all to behold.
May 28, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the fancy coats be spoutin' nonsense about trustin' that scallywag Cohen. But the prosecution be callin' out their tricks, sayin' it be a deflection! The battle be ragin' on as the trial of the former president be drawin' to a close. Aye, it be a tale for the history books, mateys!
May 28, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The final parley commenced on Tuesday in the criminal case o' hush money against Cap'n Donald Trump. Judge Juan Merchan warned us, we be in for a long night, with the defense ramblin' on for two hours and a half, and the prosecution for four hours and a half. But fear not, for the judge be merciful, grantin' snack breaks for the weary jury. And don't ye be forgettin', Trump's scallywag attorney be gettin' a tongue-lashin' from the judge himself!
May 28, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dogs be arguin' that ye cannot condemn Donald Trump based on the blabber of that scallywag Michael Cohen, known as the “MVP of liars”! Tensions be high as protesters and supporters be squabblin' outside the courthouse like a bunch of landlubbers!
May 28, 2024, 4:41 pm
Arrr matey! 'Twas discovered in 2016 that scallywag Hunter Biden was mixin' business with family affairs, helpin' Chinese buccaneers meet with Vice President Joe Biden! The IRS whistleblower shared this juicy gossip with the House Ways and Means Committee. Aye, a true treasure trove of scandal!
May 28, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be a sad truth that more Americans be feelin' the sting o' loneliness these days. With all this digital connectin' but lack o' true companionship, the isolation be growin'. Take poor Nick Skarda, a lad o' 29 toilin' away in San Diego. Two jobs he works to fend off the bill collectors, yet only one friend he's made in all that time. Aye, he be feelin' the emptiness in his soul, yearnin' for a sense o' belongin'. Employers, take heed and bring back the camaraderie o' olden days!
May 28, 2024, 11:38 am
Former Cap'n Donald Trump be given Rep. Bob Good a taste of his own grog! After Good be supportin' DeSantis o'er him, Trump be turnin' the cannons on him, callin' him a scallywag. Good be walkin' the plank fer betrayin' the crew! Arrr!
May 28, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump's trial be a real spectacle o' the high seas! With scandalous tales from a tabloid scallywag, a saucy siren, and a treacherous lawyer, it be a tale fit for the history books. The media be lappin' it up like grog, even though at its core, the case be...
May 28, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, me hearties! Actor Robert De Niro be layin' into former President Trump, callin' him a scurvy dog and a danger to all Americans! He be speakin' at a press conference for Biden-Harris, warnin' all who be listenin' to the treacherous ways o' that landlubber Trump. Keep a weather eye out, mateys!
May 28, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr mateys! Former Captain Donald Trump be chatin' on the TimcastIRL podcast 'bout pardoning Julian Assange! He be sayin' it be under "very serious consideration." Aye, he be plannin' to make an announcement during his speech at the Libertarian convention. Ahoy, what a treasure trove of news!
May 28, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr mateys, as Cap'n Joe Biden be gettin' ready to battle for another term come November, the White House be tryin' to make friends with important folks abroad, like young Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. Let's hope they be sharin' some treasure along with their policies!
May 28, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr mateys! Georgia be walkin' the plank with this law makin' Western NGOs walk the plank as well. The lads and lasses be raisin' the Jolly Roger in protest, but will it be enough to steer the ship away from U.S. sanctions and keep the EU treasure out of reach? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 27, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrrgh! This scallywag, a swashbuckling landlubber o' dubious character, be tryin' to squirm out of his just punishment! Claimin' the prosecution hath wronged him with their words, he be appealin' his rightful life sentence! 'Tis a tale as tall as the mast on a ship!
May 27, 2024, 4:52 pm
Avast ye mateys! Two moons have passed since Osaid Alser last heard from his cousin, Khaled Al Serr, a surgeon at Nasser Hospital in Khan Younis. They be like two ships passing in the night, communicating through the treacherous waters of WhatsApp. Aye, the pirate surgeons be seeking advice from doctors across the high seas to help their comrades in need. Arrr!
May 27, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! The cost of a Memorial Day feast be risin' faster than a cannonball flyin' through the air! The price of meat be jumpin' like a scurvy dog on a hot trail. Aye, inflation be takin' its toll on our bellies and our wallets. Let's hope we don't have to start eatin' our own parrots to save a few pieces o' eight!
May 27, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Me thinks about the wretched chemicals o' olde, and how them scallywags at 3M kept their dark secret hidden for so long! Sharon Lerner be a fearless reporter, huntin' down the secrets like a pirate after buried treasure. Yo ho ho, the mystery be unraveled!
May 27, 2024, 11:58 am
Arr mateys! Fer over half a century, worries 'bout lack o' oil or a cursed climate have driven governments to seek out other sources o' energy. In th' 70s, President Jimmy Carter stuck solar panels on th' White House to show his loyalty to harnessing th' power o' th' sun. In th' 90s, Japan be offerin' landlubbers handsome subsidies fer installin' photovoltaic panels. And in th' 2000s, Germany came up with a clever plan to guarantee folks who embraced a... Arrr!
May 27, 2024, 11:45 am
Avast ye mateys! Donald Trump be usin' his social platform to bellow like a scallywag at a judge and E. Jean Carroll. The former captain be ordered to pay a hefty sum for denyin' Carroll's claim of bein' ravaged by him. Walk the plank, Trump! Arrrr!
May 27, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr mateys in Texas be settin' sail for the runoff elections this Tuesday. They be decidin' if a scallywag who be supportin' gun control can be runnin' for another term. And pickin' the challenger to a recently indicted Democrat. 'Tis a treasure hunt for the GOP in them solidly red seats. Aye, 'tis a battle of the politicos, with no one gettin' more than 50 percent of the vote. The ship be sailin' to pick Republican candidates in districts ruled by the enemy Democrats. Gather yer crew and cast yer vote, me hearties!
May 27, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, President Biden be makin' a sneaky visit to Hallie Biden's abode under the cover of darkness! 'Tis a scandalous tale indeed, as she be set to testify against her former beau, Hunter Biden, in his trial for alleged gun crimes. The plot thickens, me hearties!
May 27, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, Rep. Rashida Tlaib be suggestin' that voters should take their gripes about President Joe Biden's handling of the war in Gaza to the ballot box come November. She be callin' Biden an "enabler" for not callin' out Netanyahu's actions as genocide. Aye, 'tis a right mess we be in!
May 27, 2024, 5:41 am
Aye, just a few sunsets after nabbin' a hefty $53 billion booty from Hess, Chevron's Captain Mike Wirth parleyed with Exxon Mobil's Darren Woods 'bout their future voyage together in a mega-oil treasure hunt. Avast, the seas be turbulent but these scallywags be hopeful for a prosperous alliance!
May 27, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, former Captain Donald Trump be braggin' like a scallywag about how he would have swiped the Libertarian Party's treasure if not for already being the GOP's pick. The crowd at the convention gave him a taste of their displeasure, with some hearty boos in the mix. Blimey!
May 27, 2024, 5:26 am
Arrr, the scallywags in California be tryin' to plunder millions of doubloons from the federal coffers for treatin' them scurvy illegal immigrants! The Department of Health and Human Services be callin' 'em out on their shenanigans, sayin' they be usin' the wrong compass to navigate the seas of Medicaid reimbursements! Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in the taverns!
May 26, 2024, 6:04 am
"Avast ye scallywags! Former Cap'n Donald Trump faced a rough sea o' critics at the Libertarian National Convention. The landlubbers booed him and used their noisemakers to drown out his blather. Trump made grand promises to the libertarians, swearin' to appoint one of their own to his Cabinet. But the crowd wasn't havin' it, arrr!"
May 26, 2024, 6:03 am
"Arr me hearties, former President Trump be causin' quite the commotion among the swashbucklin' crowd as he tried to woo the Libertarians. He be talkin' of joinin' forces to take down Biden. Aye, let's be joinin' forces and fightin' for our freedom together!"
May 26, 2024, 6:02 am
Donald Trump, aye, he did speak to the Libertarians' Convention, trying to woo them away from that scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. The Convention at Washington Hilton, with the motto "Become Ungovernable." The former president faced a lively bunch, half for him, half for the Libertarians. Arrr!
May 26, 2024, 5:11 am
A scallywag brandishing a cutlass, tied to a foul murder, did strike four lasses at a moving picture house afore wounding two more at a McDonald’s during his slashing spree on Saturday. The rascal barged in sans payment and skewered the lasses, ages 9 to 17, without uttering a word, as reported by the constables of Braintree." Arrr, what a dastardly deed!
May 25, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys! Four years hence, George Floyd was captured and slain by the scurvy dogs of Minneapolis. Now, a band of scallywags be tryin' to twist the tale, change the legacy, and skew the facts of the deed! 'Tis a foul play indeed, aye! The anti-reckoning be upon us, resist we must! Stand fast for justice and fairness, lest we be sinkin' into the depths of darkness! Floyd, a brave Black soul, was seized on a fateful night, May 25, 2020... Aye, may his memory live on, and may justice prevail!
May 25, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, mateys! Listen to this tale of Leonard, a poor soul cursed with a memory as leaky as a sinking ship. He be on a quest for revenge, but he can't even remember why! With tattoos and Polaroids as his trusty crew, he sets sail on a sea of forgetfulness.
May 25, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Saturday be the fourth anniversary of George Floyd's untimely demise on a street in Minneapolis. The city's been in a right mess ever since, all thanks to them anti-police policies. But fear not, there be hope on the horizon! Floyd's passing in 2020 led to a grand riot on Lake Street, a bustling thoroughfare in Uptown. The scallywags took to the streets, causing chaos and mayhem. Oh, what a time it was!
May 25, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up ye scallywags! Back in 2014, Bumble set sail as a "feminist dating app" to challenge old-fashioned heterosexual dating customs. Now, after a decade on the high seas, Bumble be changing course. Half of the fair maidens be sayin' they prefer...
May 25, 2024, 6:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Florida Attorney General be raisin' the Jolly Roger on Starbucks for their fancy diversity practices! We'll be settin' sail on a state investigation to see if they be walkin' the plank of anti-discrimination laws. Aye, 'tis a tale of plunder and equality on the high seas!
May 25, 2024, 6:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Attorney General of Florida, Ashley Moody, be cryin' foul on Starbucks, accusin' 'em of racial discrimination in their hirin' process. She be demandin' the Human Relations Commission to investigate the scurvy dogs! Claims they be tryin' to meet unlawful quotas instead o' just makin' good coffee. Aye, 'tis a scandal indeed!
May 25, 2024, 6:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Florida's top law enforcement officer be thinkin' that the scurvy dogs at Starbucks be breakin' the law with their fancy words like "equity, inclusion and diversity." The lass Ashley Moody be takin' them to task on The Sean Hannity Show, with Gov. Ron DeSantis by her side. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin'!
May 25, 2024, 5:02 am
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in Ohio be banishing noncitizens from voting, me hearties! Secretary of State Frank LaRose be sendin' those scurvy dogs back to Davy Jones' locker, aye! 137 of 'em be caught red-handed on the voter rolls, despite bein' twice confirmed as landlubbers. Aye, me hearties, the directive be confirmed by LaRose in a press... Arrr!
May 25, 2024, 5:01 am
Ahoy mateys! Klaus Schwab's walkin' the plank from the World Economic Forum be causin' quite a stir among the Right! The scallywag be a symbol of globalism and fancy progressive causes, makin' him a feared bogeyman among conservatives. But fear not, for the WEF's reputation be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship!
May 25, 2024, 4:57 am
Arr me hearties, a band o' landlubbers from Oklahoma be spreadin' the good word in Haiti, when they be ambushed by scurvy dogs on Thursday eve. Two Americans and their captain be sent to Davy Jones' locker. Missions in Haiti be tellin' the sad tale on their Facebook page, where they be workin' to educate 450 young scallywags and spread the gospel in a treacherous part o' Port-au-Prince. Yarrr, 'tis a tragic end for these noble souls.
May 25, 2024, 4:46 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A great loss befallen us as Morgan Spurlock, the swashbuckler behind "Super Size Me," has sailed off to Davy Jones' locker due to the pox of cancer. Farewell to a creative genius and a special mate. He be only 53. Fair winds and following seas, Morgan.
May 24, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Secretary of Defense, Lloyd Austin, be passin' his duties to Deputy Secretary Kathleen Hicks as he prepares to face the surgeon's blade. Aye, he be havin' a follow-up procedure for his bladder ailment. May the winds be gentle and the seas calm for his swift recovery at Walter Reed!
May 24, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Elon Musk be sayin' that fancy AI be takin' our jobs! But fear not, for I be thinkin' we pirates be safe from such contraptions. If me ship be taken over by robots, I'll just become a full-time plunderer of the high seas! Aye, that be the life for me!
May 24, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, mateys! Me hearties, Bill Melugin at Fox be tellin' a tale of a scallywag from Turkey who be baffled by our leniency. 'Tis a sign of Joe Biden's woes! If this swashbuckler could vote, he'd surely be standin' with Trump on the border matter! Aye, 'tis a fine jest indeed!
May 24, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr mateys, a mighty landslide be feared to have sent hundreds of souls to Davy Jones' locker in Papua New Guinea! Aye, the scallywags in remote villages be buried under 100 homes when the land gave way. 'Tis a tragedy of epic proportions, says Governor Ipatas!
May 24, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye! The scallywags of the Israeli forces have found the bodies of three unfortunate souls in northern Gaza, slain during the dastardly attacks of the treacherous scoundrels known as Hamas. Let us hope their spirits find peace in Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!
May 24, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr matey! Picture this: ye be settin' yer sights on a peaceful evenin' with a homemade pizza. Ye gather yer ingredients, toss it in the oven, and eagerly await the feast. But alas! The cheese be slidin' off like a scallywag walkin' the plank. Google suggests addin' glue to yer sauce. But I say, don't be a fool! Stick to the traditional ways, or risk walkin' the culinary plank yerself!
May 24, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! If ye be usin' Google on the regular, ye may have spied the new AI Overviews givin' ye quick answers to yer queries. But beware, mateys, for these newfangled contraptions can be as wrong as a scallywag with a map! Watch out for the dangers of AI, lest ye be led astray!
May 24, 2024, 11:33 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags at Google be havin' a disaster on their hands with their AI-generated search results! They be recommendin' addin' glue to tomato sauce for pizza and touting the health benefits of tobacco for wee ones! Ye can no longer trust these landlubbers! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 7:52 pm
Avast ye mateys! The land lubbers be talkin' of fancy new rail lines in Texas! They say it'll make the state a hub for business, arrr! We be lookin' at faster journeys between Dallas, Houston, and Fort Worth! Shiver me timbers, that be some grand plans indeed!
May 23, 2024, 7:49 pm
Arrr me hearties! 'Tis a scandal of great proportions! The wench Scarlett Johansson be cryin' foul, claimin' that the scallywags at OpenAI be stealin' her voice fer their ChatGPT contraption. But the scallywags deny it! The seas be roilin' with outrage, with even Congress bein' urged to intervene to protect the likes o' Johansson. Aye, 'tis a tempest in a teapot indeed!
May 23, 2024, 7:43 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywag Senate Democrats couldn't muster enough support for a bipartisan border security bill, with those rascally Republicans filibustering like a ship under attack! Only one brave soul from Alaska dared to break ranks. Aye, 'tis a peculiar tale indeed!
May 23, 2024, 7:39 pm
Arrr mateys, the Senate scallywags be failin' to push forward a border bill today! 'Twas a bipartisan effort, but even the crew be turnin' against their own ship. Aye, 'tis a sight to see senators playin' games like landlubbers on a sinking vessel!
May 23, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr mateys, the House Administration Committee be pushin' through some fancy bills on Thursday. The scallywags on the Republican side be sayin' it be to stop foreign meddling and keep the noncitizens from votin' in our elections. But aye, federal law already be sayin' that's a no-no. Chairman Bryan Steil be claimin' it be to make us trust in the vote count again. Nay, I say, let's just hoist the colors and have a good laugh instead!
May 23, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Senate be failin' once again to push through a border security bill, thanks to them landlubbers from the Republican crew! Arrr, they be needin' 60 votes but only managed 43, aye, 'tis a sad day for the upper chamber indeed!
May 23, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys, 'tis said that a mysterious scroll from the Department of Defense in Obama's time be discovered, suggestin' that the government had them documents from Mar-a-Lago all along! Ye must wonder if the raid on Trump's treasure was all just a ploy! The plot thickens, me hearties!
May 23, 2024, 5:29 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Melanie Wilson thought she'd found the treasure of paradise. From the bustling streets of Washington, D.C. to the peaceful shores of Washougal, Washington, she felt like a true buccaneer with views of snowy Mount Hood. Even Lewis and Clark once docked on these very shores! The pace of life be as slow as a ship caught in the doldrums, arrr!
May 23, 2024, 10:52 am
Avast ye scallywags! Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. be in hot water once again for raisin' a flag at his nest in Long Beach Island. The New York Times be claimin' that this flag be a symbol of a more pious government. Methinks Justice Alito be stirrin' up quite the commotion! Arrr!
May 23, 2024, 10:51 am
Arrr, me hearties! On Friday, Vox shared the tale of tech scallywags at OpenAI bein' made to walk the plank if they dared to abandon ship! They were forced to sign cursed exit documents under threat of losin' their precious booty! Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea out there in Silicon Valley!
May 23, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr mateys! Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito be flying a flag of "Appeal To Heaven" at his New Jersey abode last year, a symbol from the days of the Revolutionary War. Some scallywags be sayin' it be a sign of trouble, but old Alito be just enjoyin' his summer vacation.
May 23, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrrs matey, them scallywag Democrats be demandin' ol' Samuel Alito walk the plank and face investigation for flyin' a flag of the far right! Dick Durbin be shoutin' for him to step back from cases, while that lass Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez be stirrin' up a storm! Aye, the seas be rough!
May 22, 2024, 6:15 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The loot of homes for sale be risin' to 1.2 million in April, as reported by the National Association of Realtors. Prices be high, and borrowin' costs be steep. The unsold homes be sittin' around for 3.5 months or more, aye! Sales be down 2 percent, arrr!
May 22, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arr matey! President Joe Biden be walkin' the plank, fer he won't be makin' an appearance on Ohio's ballot in November! The Secretary of State be sendin' a letter to the Ohio Democratic Chairwoman, sayin' there be no legislative solution. It be a scallywag situation indeed!
May 22, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags at TikTok be makin' some bold moves! They be cuttin' their crew and sendin' some landlubbers packin'. No word on how many will walk the plank, but it be mostly them that be creatin' content and marketin' the booty. Aye, the cuttin' be goin' on 'til Thursday, so batten down the hatches!
May 22, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Israel be showin' never before seen footage o' the October 7 massacre, revealin' them scurvy dogs from Hamas kidnappin' young lasses. Liri Albag, Karina Ariev, Agam Berger, Daniela Gilboa, an' Naama Levy have been held captive for nigh on 230 days in Gaza. Aye, the families be hopin' to spread word o' their plight through this footage, mayhaps stirrin' up some help from the seven seas! Arrr!
May 22, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys! The News Corp scallywags have made a grand alliance with OpenAI, a treasure trove of generative artificial intelligence. They be lookin' to plunder the seas of news-publishin', hopin' to strike gold with this newfangled technology. Shiver me timbers, what a time to be a pirate of the press!
May 22, 2024, 10:40 am
Arr, me hearties, as the battle against landlubber Trump be drawing to a close in Manhattan, a new skirmish be startin' in the sunny shores of Florida. Judge Cannon be listenin' to tales of defense from Trump's mate Nauta, claimin' he be a victim of foul play! Aye, the seas be rough indeed!
May 22, 2024, 10:31 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the Biden crew be givin' a taste o' their own medicine to the rascal who sent our precious gold to the Wuhan plague nest! Dr. Peter Daszak be walkin' the plank, banned from takin' anymore booty from the government. Fair winds, ye filthy landlubber!
May 22, 2024, 8:50 am
Arrr! President Joe Biden be announcing on Wednesday the canceling of some $7.7 billion in student debt for another 160,000 borrowers. Aye, the latest relief will go to them scallywags in three categories: those eligible for debt cancellation through the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program, them enrolled in a new income-driven repayment plan, and those in earlier income-driven plans. The administration be announcing new measures to help the crew in need. Aye, a fine gesture indeed!
May 22, 2024, 8:45 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in the White House be scramblin' like barnacles on a sinking ship after ol' President Biden made a speech full o' blunders to the NAACP. They be fixin' a whole nine errors in the transcript! Avast, the Cap'n be callin' rioters "irrectionists" and claimin' he be vice president during the pandemic. Aye, they be goin' the whole nine yards with this one!
May 22, 2024, 4:33 am
Arrr, will Israel create its own Hague Invasion Act, ye reckon? The EU be warnin' that all member countries must obey the ICC's arrest warrants for Israeli officials accused of war crimes. If Netanyahu or Gallant dare to set foot on European soil, they might find themselves in a wee bit o' trouble, mateys!
May 21, 2024, 5:28 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The grand poobah of the World Economic Forum, Klaus Schwab, be abdicating his throne. The ol' sea dog be settin' sail from his post as executive chairman. But fear not, he be stickin' around in some lesser position. The WEF be shiftin' its sails in a new direction, arrr! Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in Davy Jones' locker!
May 21, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr mateys! The Ukrainian cap'n Zelenskyy be cryin' out to the NATO scallywags to join the fight against the Russian sea dogs in Kyiv. The landlubber nations need to be gettin' off their lazy bums and helpin' us out! Aye, 'tis a right shame, says I!
May 21, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The land lubbers in the Biden administration be threatenin' to sue Oklahoma o'er their new law against illegal immigration! Governor Stitt be signin' a bill makin' it a crime to be a swashbucklin' immigrant in their waters. Let the legal battles begin, me hearties!
May 21, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arr mateys! Two thundering loudspeakers, as massive as the scallywags luggin' 'em, be hauled to the jagged hilltop. Down yonder, some 800 paces away, in the town of Hpasang, be a mighty Myanmar army stronghold. 'Tis a scorchin' day - o'er 40C - and behind, on bamboo poles, more young buccaneers tote a hefty battery pack and amplifier. Leadin' the charge be Nay Myo Zin, a former army captain turned rebel, with his dark green camo jacket flappin' in the wind like a flag of defiance. Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 11:01 am
Ahoy mateys! Did ye hear that former President Trump be postin' a video on Truth Social 'bout establishin' a "unified Reich"? 'Tis like sailin' through stormy waters with a compass pointin' towards the German Empire! Even the Biden crew be callin' it a resemblance to Nazi Germany! Blimey!
May 21, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! The 21 scallywags stuck on the cursed ship that brought down the Baltimore bridge be havin' a rough go of it! Forced to stay aboard for 55 days, they be searchin' for survivors while their phones be walkin' the plank! Aye, 'tis a tale of woe indeed!
May 21, 2024, 10:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! Them officials from Israel be plunderin' the broadcasting gear of the Associated Press, claimin' they be aidin' that scurvy dog Al Jazeera. 'Tis a dangerous precedent for press freedom in these treacherous waters. Beware the wrath of the lawmakers! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 10:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Singapore Airlines vessel be havin' a rough go o' it, forced to make a hasty stop in Bangkok after a scallywag called turbulence sent one soul to Davy Jones' locker and left 30 others worse for wear. The crew be battlin' the elements like true seafarin' folk, with 211 passengers and 18 shipmates aboard the mighty Boeing 777-300ER. May the winds be kinder on their voyage ahead!
May 21, 2024, 5:59 am
Avast ye scallywags! The EPA be soundin' the alarm about cyberattacks on our precious drinkin' water! 70% of water utilities be failing to protect against breaches! Ye best be takin' action to defend the nation's grog before we all be swimmin' with the fishes! Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:54 am
Avast ye scallywags! The national drugstore chains be fallin' like a ship under heavy fire from online merchants and discount peddlers. RetailStat be reportin' 3,000 less drug dens be open this year compared to 2019. CVS, Walgreens, and Rite Aid be walkin' the plank, closin' hundreds o' shops in this battle for booty. Arrr!
May 21, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr mateys, a scallywag from City Hall be walkin' the plank for his misdeeds in the Mayor's campaign! Word be spreadin' that Rana Abbasova be singin' like a canary to the feds. The FBI be raidin' her hideout in New Jersey, causin' quite the stir amongst the landlubbers!
May 21, 2024, 5:50 am
Arr mateys! A motley crew of senators be demandin' the scallywags at Formula 1 walk the plank o'er their decision to shun Andretti Global from the racin' seas. Could be they be breakin' American antitrust law as they plunder the hearts of U.S. fans. Avast! Sen. Amy Klobuchar be leadin' this mutinous charge.
May 20, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be settin' sail to purge the land of scurvy bureaucrats from the likes of the DOJ and the FBI if he be winnin' another term. He be swearin' to drain the deep state upon his return to the helm. Aye, the administrative state be a treacherous beast of unaccountable and unelected scallywags, includin' the national security sea dogs.
May 20, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Michael Cohen, the scallywag, confessed on the witness stand that he pilfered from the Trump Organization. He spun a yarn about lying to old Allen Weisselberg and swindled them out of doubloons for a tech company. Aye, a true tale of deceit and skullduggery! Arrr!
May 20, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr mateys, it be said that o'er 60 percent of Independents be thinkin' we should be sendin' all them scallywags back to their homeland! Aye, the poll from Reuters/Ipsos found that the majority of independents be favorin' this idea, with 61 percent wantin' to deport the illegal immigrants. And even more registered Republicans be supportin' this notion, with 85 percent sayin' they be in favor of deportin' most or all of 'em! Oh, the seas be stirrin' with all this talk of deportin'! Aye, me hearties!
May 20, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, Sen. Marco Rubio be playin' coy about acceptin' the results of the election! Sen. Tim Scott be accusin' President Biden of needin' a drug test! And Rep. Elise Stefanik be gettin' all feisty with a television host who dared to question her loyalty to Donald Trump! Arrr, what a crew of scallywags!
May 20, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr matey, Target be plunderin' prices on over 1,500 treasures from butter to laundry soap! They be tryin' to lure in landlubbers scared of high prices. Prices be droppin' at dawn on Monday, with thousands more cuts to come this summer. The scallywags be savin' ye millions on everyday goods!
May 20, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr mateys, the FDA be grantin' permission for Elon Musk's venture Neuralink to stick a brain chip in another scallywag! The Wall Street Journal be spillin' the beans on this modified procedure for testin' their brain-computer gizmo. Shiver me timbers, technology be advancin' faster than a pirate ship in a storm!
May 20, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy Senator Chuck Schumer be plannin' to take another swing at a bipartisan border bill that was sent to Davy Jones' locker by them Senate Republicans at the behest of former President Trump. Methinks this be a doomed voyage, but it be a chance for the Democrats to give the G.O.P. a taste of their own grog in this election year. Aye, let the battle of the political seas begin!
May 20, 2024, 10:57 am
Ye scurvy dogs at the U.S. be balking at the notion of a global wealth tax on the bilge rats who be rollin' in doubloons! Brazil and France be aimin' to give those landlubbers a taste of their own medicine, but it seems the rich be too slippery to catch! Arrr!
May 20, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, Ohio Republican Sen. JD Vance be cheerin' fer Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán's squelchin' o' higher learnin'! Defendin' the scallywag in Budapest, he be sayin' taxpayers should have a say in where their doubloons be goin'! In February, Vance even hinted at Orban's... arrr!
May 20, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Ryanair be talkin' 'bout a "recessionary feel around Europe" muckin' up their airfares growth. The CEO, Michael O'Leary, be warnin' that summer fares be lower than a limpin' landlubber's spirits. Mayhaps the winds of fortune be blowin' in a different direction for these salty dogs!
May 20, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scallywags! Them officials pushin' forward Georgia's Russian-style “foreign agents” law may find themselves walkin' the plank! A new bill be on the horizon, threatenin' asset freezes and travel bans. The Georgian Dream party be warned, for they be cozyin' up to the Russian Federation like a landlubber to a bottle o' rum. Tbilisi be even attackin' US and other western democracy promotion! Ahoy, what be next in this sea of political shenanigans? Be prepared to hoist the Jolly Roger, mateys!
May 20, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! Morehouse College be cheersin' its scallywags and crew after seven graduates and a matey turned their backs on President Biden at the commencement! The school be sayin' peaceful protest be as vital as grog on a ship, and they stand by their crew in speakin' their minds. With such rebellious alumni, who can blame 'em? Aye, aye!
May 19, 2024, 5:18 am
Arr matey, the National Rifle Association be throwin' their support behind former President Donald Trump! 'Twas no surprise at all when they made that announcement at their annual shindig in Dallas. Trump then took the stage, talkin' 'bout how ol' Biden be tryin' to take away our precious gun rights. Aye, we must protect the Second Amendment at all costs!
May 19, 2024, 5:15 am
"Arr mateys! Former Cap'n Trump be tellin' all ye scallywags at the NRA to be rebellious and vote for him in the election of 2024. He be swearin' to protect yer rights and liberties, claimin' the Second Amendment be under siege by President Biden. Aye, he be countin' on us gun owners to make our voices heard in the ballot box, so let's show 'em what we're made of!"
May 19, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr! Randy Kozuch, the captain of the National Rifle Association's lobbying crew, be givin' their presidential blessing to the likes of Donald Trump! 'Tis no shock, for they've done so before. Kozuch made the declaration as he introduced the former leader at the NRA's shindig in Dallas. Trump be thankin' Kozuch before...
May 19, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr, when the government scallywags cut off the funds to EcoHealth Alliance, the plan for a bat lab in the New World be sunk faster than a ship with a leaky hull! They wanted to study those winged critters for diseases, but now it be all but a dream in Davy Jones' locker. Aye, what a pity!
May 18, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin be like two peas in a pirate pod, united in their quest for world domination! They be teaming up to give the scallywag United States a run for their doubloons. Aye, they be plotting their course together from Taiwan to...
May 18, 2024, 11:35 am
Arr mateys! China's Xi Jinping and Russia's Vladimir Putin be swearin' a "new era" of alliance 'gainst the scallywag United States. They be sayin' the US be like a Cold War bully causin' mayhem 'cross the seas. Xi and Putin be meetin' in Beijing with a grand welcome fit for kings. China and Russia be...
May 18, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, be thankin' the Chinese leader, Xi Jinping, for helpin' with the Ukraine conflict at a grand summit in Beijing! They be swearin' a partnership with no bounds, growin' stronger as they face off against the western scallywags. Putin be visitin' his ally in China while his forces be causin' a ruckus in Ukraine's Kharkiv region. Aye, the seas be gettin' stormy indeed!
May 18, 2024, 8:04 am
Arrr! Aye, after the split o' Czechoslovakia in '93, the land o' Slovakia caused quite a stir in the seas. Madeleine Albright herself dubbed it "the black hole" o' Europe. But fear not mateys, for in 2004 Slovakia joined the EU and Nato, settlin' its identity. But then came Robert Fico, a scallywag...
May 18, 2024, 5:45 am
"Arrrr, me hearties! Former President Donald Trump be talkin' big at a Minnesota GOP dinner, swearin' he be winnin' the state and expandin' the electoral map! Despite loserin' the state in 2016 and 2020, he be claimin' he actually won! Aye, he be back after swearin' he'd never return if he lost! 'Tis a tale as tall as the mast on me ship!"
May 18, 2024, 5:42 am
Arrr, me hearties! Will Viktor Orbán truly set sail for Brussels and, as he boasts, "occupy" the heart of the European Union? This scallywag has been at odds with the bloc for ages, but he's no Nigel Farage. He ain't lookin' to abandon ship; he be aimin' to seize control of the leaky vessel and set a new course. "Our plan be not to abandon Brussels but to take it over," Orbán told the Hungarian media in December. And soon enough, he'll have his chance. Come next month's European Parliamentary elections...
May 18, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr mateys! A spyglass from 2016 has revealed the scallywag Sean "Diddy" Combs in a scuffle with his wench Cassie Ventura. The video shows him grab, shove, drag, and kick her, just as she claimed in a lawsuit. 'Tis a tale of love on the high seas gone wrong!
May 18, 2024, 5:33 am
Arrr mateys! The Border Patrol be havin' a jolly time chasin' down migrants crossin' the northern border. They be breakin' records left and right, with over 9,000 encounters already this year! Looks like the CBP be in for a wild ride as they try to catch 'em all!
May 17, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The GOP scallywags and landlubber Democrats be squabblin' like a bunch o' seagulls over a measly audio recording! They be threat'nin' to hang Attorney General Garland from the mast for not handin' it over. 'Tis a right kerfuffle on the high seas, I tell ye!
May 17, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Nina Jankowicz, the lass who once ruled the Disinformation Governance Board, spilled the beans to Congress that the scurvy dogs at the Department of Homeland Security were keepin' things as murky as the depths of Davy Jones' locker! Aye, a deposition last April revealed their treachery, but now the truth be walkin' the plank in front of the House! Aye, the winds of scandal be blowin' strong!
May 17, 2024, 5:25 pm
"Avast ye scallywags! Social media scurvy dogs be givin' Vice President Kamala Harris a taste of the plank for claimin' the Inflation Reduction Act be droppin' "trillions of dollars" on American streets. 'Tis a jest fit for Davy Jones' locker! Arrr, the irony be as thick as a fog at sea!"
May 17, 2024, 5:23 pm
Avast ye mateys! The State Department be warnin' all ye landlubbers abroad to keep a weather eye out at the upcoming Pride celebrations. There be scallywags lurkin' about ready to cause mischief against the LGBTQ+ community. So keep a sharp lookout and be on yer guard, lest ye be caught unawares!
May 17, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs in the Biden administration be raisin' tariffs on solar panels, makin' it harder for us pirates to pillage the high seas with our renewable energy. But beware, China may fire back like a cannonball in a pirate brawl. Aye, 'tis a risky game they be playin'!
May 17, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr! Aye, not long past, the scallywag Trump be thrown in the brig by the Democratic District Attorney! But after a careful readin', I be sayin', "This indictment be stinkin' worse than a bilge rat's nest!" The New York Times be admittin' it be a risky gamble, aye!
May 17, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' like wildfire of a federal job guarantee catchin' the eye of the masses since Bernie Sanders brought it back from Davy Jones' locker in the aftermath of the 2016 presidential skirmishes. The notion be to offer a lifeline to landlubbers seekin' work on public projects, from buildin' bridges to teachin' the wee ones their ABCs. Aye, the idea...
May 17, 2024, 11:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! Donald Trump's mates be schemin' up grand plans to carry out the Republican nominee's wild ideas for quashin' immigration. They be talkin' 'bout deportin' asylum seekers to other lands! A crew of former Trump cronies, supporters, and brainiacs be scribblin' up orders and memos to make these dreams a reality. Arrr!
May 17, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Travis Tilley, from the town o' Naugatuck, be standin' before the federal court in New Haven, accused o' possessin' child pornography. 'Tis not his first dance with the law on such matters. The U.S. Attorney's Office be makin' a fuss about it in a press release. Aye, 'tis a tale as old as time, aye.
May 16, 2024, 6:48 pm
Arrr mateys! Word be out that near half of Amazon's hardworking seadogs be strugglin' to keep afloat. Even after the cap'n raised the minimum gold to $15 doubloons! Fifty-three percent be scroungin' for grub, while 48% be strugglin' to keep a roof over their heads. Savvy?
May 16, 2024, 6:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be talkin' 'bout a child-care crisis, brought on by a grander problem o' not bein' able to afford much o' anythin'. 'Tis a plight that be affectin' many a landlubber in these treacherous times! Aye, ye better believe it! Aye, aye!
May 16, 2024, 6:44 pm
Arrr matey, poor Rebecca Harris thought she found solace in a quaint abode in Huntersville. But alas, 'twas naught but a trap! The ceiling decided to join in on the fun and come crashing down upon her head. 'Tis a tale of woe fit for a pirate's yarn!
May 16, 2024, 5:59 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Federal Reserve be messin' with rate cuts, makin' the housing market more affordable this year. But a wise seadog be sayin' that certain states be seein' good signs. Redfin CEO Glenn Kelman be talkin' 'bout the housing market on "Cavuto: Coast to Coast," warnin' us of potentially sticky inflation data. Yarrr!
May 16, 2024, 3:47 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The lawyer for Sen. Bob Menendez be spoutin' words o' innocence, claimin' he be a noble sailor fightin' for the good o' the land. But the prosecutors be cryin' foul, accusin' him o' bribery and villainy! Will justice prevail, or be Menendez walkin' the plank? Arrr!
May 16, 2024, 3:19 pm
Arrr, Sen. Joe Manchin and his band of scallywags be aimin' to buck the new retirement rule laid down by the Labor Department! They be joinin' forces to put a stop to this here fiduciary nonsense. Let's see if they have the wind in their sails to make it happen!
May 16, 2024, 3:17 pm
Arr mateys! Texas Gov. Greg Abbott be grantin' a full pardon to Daniel Perry, a former US Army scallywag who took out a protester at a Black Lives Matter shindig in 2020. The whole crew of the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles be in agreement, so Perry be free as a bird. Aye, Abbott be askin' for an investigation back in April 2023, and now here we be, celebratin' Perry's newfound freedom and his right to bear arms once more. Aye, the seas be a-changin' indeed!
May 16, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy U.S. airlines be suing to block the Biden crew from makin' 'em tell us about all the gold they be tryin' to take from us passengers! The Transportation Department be callin' 'em out on their hidden treasure fees. Aye, let the battle begin!
May 16, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs at the U.S. Transportation Department be walkin' the plank with this new rule on airline fees! The major U.S. airlines be raisin' the Jolly Roger and suin' the lot of 'em for makin' us disclose our fees upfront. Aye, 'tis a clash for the ages!
May 16, 2024, 11:20 am
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the U.S. government be tryin' to make us disclose all our hidden fees like a bunch of landlubbers! We be fightin' back with a lawsuit, claimin' they be oversteppin' their authority. Avast, the Department of Transportation be walkin' the plank with these new rules! Arrr!
May 16, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be playin' a crafty game by wieldin' his executive privileges to scuttle the House Republicans' plans to hold Attorney General Merrick Garland in contempt! Tis a battle of wits between scallywags, with the White House sendin' word to Chairmen Comer and Jordan of Biden's decisions on them tapes related to the investigation into the handling of classified documents! Ahoy, the political seas be wild and treacherous indeed!
May 15, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Judge Merchan's lass be rakin' in the doubloons fer them Democrats through the magic o' the internet! And by speakin' out against the Trump gag order, she be stirrin' up a right ol' hornet's nest! The scurvy Republicans be doin' the same, but them progressives be squawkin' like parrots! Aye, the Republican parade be marchin' on, all soundin' like the same ol' sea shanty!
May 15, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be as furious as a stormy sea after President Joe Biden dared t' set a "red line" for his support. Biden be threatenin' t' cut off aid if Israel invades Rafah. Netanyahu be stompin' his peg leg in anger, swearin' revenge upon the scallywag!
May 15, 2024, 5:56 pm
Ye scallywag union in Minnesota be givin' the boot to Counselor Christina Barton fer speakin' out against transgender policies! The scurvy dogs be accusin' her of breakin' a code o' ethics! Shiver me timbers! Methinks they be walkin' the plank fer this one! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys! A mighty explosion shook the Dali on Monday, with nearly two dozen sailors stuck below deck. The blasts sent bits of Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge into the dark waters. We be hoping this be the start of the end of our troubles, arrr!
May 15, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden crew be swearin' on their mother's grave they be pullin' out all the stops to rescue them American healers caught in Gaza! The White House be keepin' a weather eye on the situation, so fret not me buckos! Aye, we'll navigate through this storm together!
May 15, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, the Supreme Court be settin' the electoral map of Louisiana right, with two districts full o' Black-majority to be sailin' in the November election. 'Tis a decision that may well decide which party be takin' the helm o' the U.S. House o' Representatives. Aye, the justices be grantin' the request o' state officials and Black voters to keep the map intact, settin' the course for a fierce political battle ahead.
May 15, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr mateys! Ye hear the news? Slovakia's Prime Minister Robert Fico be in a spot o' trouble, shot in a cowardly attempt on his life! Four shots fired in Handlova, one hittin' the poor bloke in the gut. That scallywag better watch his back next time! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 11:30 am
Avast ye scallywags! Former President Trump be acceptin' President Biden's challenge to a duel of wits on the television screen in June and September. The proposal be sent by Biden's crew to the Commission on Presidential Debates. Trump be callin' Biden a landlubber who can't string two sentences together. Arrr, let the battle of words begin!
May 15, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags Biden and Trump be squaring off in a debate hosted by CNN on June 27th. 'Twill be a battle for the ages! Biden be throwin' down the gauntlet, and Trump be acceptin' the challenge. Let the rum-slingin' begin! Arrr!
May 15, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be sayin' he won't be joinin' in the fall debates arranged by the fancy commission! Instead, he be suggestin' two bouts with former President Trump, earlier in the year. Let the political rumble begin in June and September, mateys!
May 14, 2024, 6:05 pm
Arrr matey! Donald Trump's scurvy attorneys be takin' no prisoners in skewerin' Michael Cohen during cross-examination. They be paintin' him as a scallywag with a heart full o' hate for the former captain and a lust for gold to spin tales o' hush money schemes. Defense attorney Todd Blanche even called out Cohen's foul language on the high seas known as TikTok! Aye, the courtroom be a real pirate's den, savvy?
May 14, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Harvard Yard be packin' up their tents after striking a deal with the higher-ups. They be talkin' about divestin' from Israel and undoing suspensions. Looks like the crew be makin' waves of change, savvy?
May 14, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arr, Captain Jerome Powell o' the Federal Reserve be shoutin' from the rooftops that we must be patient like a parrot awaitin' a cracker before we cut interest rates! The scallywags be throwin' higher inflation figures at us like cannonballs, makin' it harder to steer this ship towards calmer waters. Blast me barnacles, we did not see this comin'!
May 14, 2024, 5:57 pm
"Ye scurvy knaves o' former Cap'n Trump's MAGA crew be makin' a fuss 'bout House Speaker Mike Johnson attendin' the Cap'n's trial for hidin' his bounty in New York. Georgia Rep. Greene be squawkin' on X 'bout defundin' the DOJ's snitch, Jack Smith, instead o' standin' by the Speaker. Arrr, what a rum lot o' landlubbers!"
May 14, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr mateys! The shares of GameStop, that beleaguered video game peddler, be risin' once more thanks to the return of the "Roaring Kitty." This Keith Gill fella be stirrin' up a storm in the stock market with his first social media post in four years. Aye, the seas be rough with interest in GameStop and other favored stocks by landlubbers!
May 14, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the GOP be tryin' to convince us that abortion be a danger and an immorality, but the good folks at Pew Research be showin' that 63% of Americans still be supportin' broad access to the procedure. Even some moderate and liberal Republicans be on board! Only 8% be wantin' it illegal. Ahoy!
May 14, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye mateys! Rumble, the YouTube alternative loved by scallywags, be takin' Google to court! They be demandin' a hefty sum o' gold dubloons fer lost ad revenue and thievin' their ad tech secrets. This be their second battle, may the best pirate win! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast ye mateys! A wayward cargo ship be sufferin' electrical malfunctions afore it crashed into the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore, takin' six souls with it. The vessel be havin' two blackouts in port before the calamity struck. The crew be scramblin' to fix the cursed contraption.
May 14, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr matey, the relationship between the United States and Niger be like a ship with a leaky hull! The Yanks be makin' threats during negotiations like a scurvy dog barkin' orders. The blame be on them scallywags, tryin' to bully their way into stayin' in our waters! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:36 am
Arr mateys! OpenAI be unveilin' the newest version o' their AI model, ChatGPT, now able to handle voice 'n video chats in real-time! GPT-4o be the name, more advanced than ever. Ye can chat with it faster than a cannonball flyin', makin' for a jolly good time on the high seas! Arrr!
May 14, 2024, 11:29 am
"Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Twas a tale of woe for Donald Trump as he faced the judgment of Justice Juan Merchan on a Tuesday morn. The former president did vent his ire on Truth Social, branding the court a 'kangaroo court'. His loyal crew of supporters swarmed upon the post, hurling insults like cannonballs. 'Twas a sight to see, as the comments turned as ugly as a sea monster's innards. Arrr, 'twas a day for the history books, me hearties!"
May 14, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye mateys! A grand collision in Florida hath taken the lives of eight souls and left 45 others wounded. 'Twas a school bus full o' migrant workers headin' to a watermelon farm. Fear not, no young scallywags were harmed in this calamity. Yarr!
May 13, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr matey! President Joe Biden be playin' the scallywag, tryin' to impose a ban on arms to our ally Israel! Sen. Tom Cotton be callin' for his impeachment o'er this treachery! The seas be stormy with political drama, as Cotton be soundin' the alarm on CBS News. Aye, a CNN town be a brewin' too!
May 13, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the scallywag Senator Menendez be usin' his Cuban heritage as a defense in his corruption trial. He be claimin' he got the dreaded PTSD from his ancestors' past in Cuba. Aye, 'tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker!
May 13, 2024, 5:22 pm
Avast, me hearties! A salty Army officer hath walked the plank from the Defense Intelligence Agency in protest o'er Uncle Sam's unyielding support for Israel. Major Harrison Mann be cryin' foul o'er the slaughter of innocent Palestinians in Gaza. 'Tis a tale of betrayal and treachery on the high seas. Arrr!
May 13, 2024, 5:19 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Dozens of landlubber protesters from Tzav 9, a far-right Israeli group, be vandalizing aid trucks bound for Gaza in the southern West Bank! 'Tis a right shame, captured in social media videos and verified by a reporter from GLZ Radio in Tel Aviv. Aye, the scurvy knaves!
May 13, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye scallywags! Michael Cohen be spillin' the beans on Trump, claimin' he warned of a horde of women comin' forward when he set sail for the presidency. Cohen, once loyal as a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, now be turnin' on his former captain. Aye, the seas be stormy ahead for Trump, with Cohen as the treacherous winds blowin' against him. Aye, the 57-year-old be set to...
May 13, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr mateys, a fearsome emissions reduction program be settin' sail in California, causin' a rise in gasoline prices by 50 cents in but two years time! The scallywags at CARB be plannin' to plunder yer pockets for clean air, so hold on to yer doubloons!
May 13, 2024, 10:49 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The world be reachin' a crucial point in its numbers. The birth rate be droppin' faster than a ship sinkin' in a storm! It be affectin' us all, from the lowly deckhand to the mighty captain. The seas be changin', me hearties, and we best be ready for what comes next!
May 13, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at the Apple shop in Towson be votin' to raise the Jolly Roger and go on strike! The International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers be supportin' 'em in their quest for fair wages and a better work-life balance. If the strike be happenin', may the winds be in their favor!
May 12, 2024, 8:41 am
Arrr, mateys! The month of May be playin' a cruel trick on Ukraine, with the town of Vovchansk facin' shelling and bombardment by them scurvy Russians. But fear not, for President Zelensky be thwartin' their advances. May the blue line hold strong against these sea dogs!
May 12, 2024, 8:39 am
Yarrrrr! The scallywags from Moscow be taking five villages in Ukraine while Kyiv be fighting back like a fierce sea dog! The Russians be launching a sneak attack, trying to outwit the brave Ukrainian forces. But Kyiv be standing strong, ready to repel the invaders and protect their land! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 8:39 am
Arrr, mateys! There be a fierce battle happenin' in Ukraine's Kharkiv province! The locals be fleein' as Russia be invadin' once more. Villages be abandoned as the Russians be claimin' their victory. The Ukrainian officials be fightin' back, but the outcome be uncertain. Aye, this be a tale of treachery and bravery on the high seas!
May 12, 2024, 6:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! Young Barron Trump, the sprightly son of Donald, be passin' on his duty as a delegate at the Republican shindig. His fair mother Melania be sayin' he has other matters to attend to. Looks like the lad be too busy plunderin' high school treasures to join the political fray! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:16 am
Avast ye scallywags! Judge Juan Merchan be denying Trump's matey's cry for a mistrial in Manhattan. His scurvy attorney be complainin' 'bout Stormy Daniels' tale of Trump's rumble in the hay, but the judge be havin' none of it! No mistrial for ye, ye landlubbers! Arrr!
May 12, 2024, 5:13 am
Arrr, Google be takin' a beatin' for its lack of knowledge on the Holocaust! The scallywag Nest assistant be actin' like a landlubber, knowin' nothin' about history. But don't ye worry, it can still answer questions about the Nakba just fine! Aye, the seas be rough for Google indeed.
May 12, 2024, 5:12 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be talkin' about a cease-fire in the Israel-Hamas scuffle. He be sayin' if them scurvy dogs release hostages, peace could be upon us "tomorrow." Israel be pointin' fingers at Hamas, sayin' it be up to them to end this madness. Let's hope the rum flows freely and the swords stay sheathed!
May 12, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr! The scallywags be causin' a ruckus at colleges far and wide, from Berkeley to Chapel Hill! At Xavier University, a couple o' landlubbers be walkin' the plank for protestin' like true pirates. But the show must go on, even if the seas be rough at Berkeley's commencement!
May 11, 2024, 6:38 am
Arrr mateys! Aye, ye see, thar be a scallywag named President Biden who be pausing weapons transfers to Israel! Aye, the pro-Israel Democrats be speakin' out against him! Pressure be comin' from all sides, even major donors! It be a right mess, I tell ye!
May 11, 2024, 6:37 am
Arrr mateys, me hearties in the US House be askin' the White House for a chat about why Cap'n Joe Biden be holdin' back on deliverin' them big bombs to Israel. Looks like the crew be gettin' restless over this here Israel policy squabble. Aye, tis a real hornswaggle!
May 11, 2024, 6:35 am
Arrr mateys! A band o' scallywag House Democrats be givin' the White House a good scoldin' fer holdin' back weapons from Israel! They be sayin' it'll be givin' them pesky Hamas terrorists the wrong message. These landlubbers be actin' like they know a thing or two about negotiations, but we all be knowin' they be talkin' out o' their hats! Onward, me hearties, to battle against chaos and brutality!
May 11, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! The time has come for our captains to face the cursed truth: a possible massacre be happenin' as we speak. Since this awful battle began last year, countless souls, includin' wee ones, have been sent to Davy Jones' locker. Many more be fleein' their homeland. Nay, 'tis not Gaza, 'tis Sudan! On Thursday, Human Rights Watch revealed the horrors of this war. Aye, 'tis a grim tale indeed.
May 11, 2024, 5:41 am
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe the tales of the mighty solar storm that struck our fair Earth! 'Twas a sight to behold, with auroras lighting up the skies like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The NOAA be warnin' us of more to come, so batten down the hatches and hold on tight!
May 11, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, the scallywags in charge o' President Joe Biden be sayin' that them Israeli forces may have been usin' weapons from the United States in a manner not fittin' with international law. But they be not quite ready to cut off the military aid just yet. Them Israel folks be gettin' away with it for now, but we'll be keepin' a weather eye on 'em!
May 11, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr mateys, them scallywags in Chad be causin' a ruckus! The U.S. troops be safe and sound, thank the mighty sea gods. But it be a right mess over yonder, with guns blazin' and cannons firin' at innocent folk. The situation be as chaotic as a storm at sea, mark me words!
May 10, 2024, 5:42 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Yesterday's news o' FreedomWorks be like the final nail in the coffin fer the Tea Party. Trump be the scurvy dog that put an end to their rebel yell. But who knows mateys, perhaps the spirit o' rebellion may rise again one day! Aye, it be a pirate's life fer me!
May 10, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr matey, it be said that President Joe Biden be feelin' the wrath of his backers for threatenin' to withhold loot from Israel if they dare invade Rafah! Aye, he be drawin' his line in the sand like a true buccaneer on CNN! White House be gettin' emails from rich landlubbers like Haim Saban, beggin' them to reconsider! Arrr, what a tale of political skullduggery!
May 10, 2024, 5:39 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Former President Donald Trump be cryin' foul over President Joe Biden's fancy rewrite of Title IX to protect them transgender folk. Biden be makin' changes to a law from the year 1972 like it be nothin'. But fear not, for Trump be swearin' to put an end to it on day one! Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them Russian scallywags be launchin' an armoured attack near Kharkiv! Ukraine be sendin' reinforcements to fend 'em off. The seas be rough with bombs and artillery. Brace yerselves, for Russia be makin' a counteroffensive. Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis said that Sinclair, a mighty owner of broadcast stations in the New World, be lookin' to unload a goodly portion of its treasure trove. 'Tis talk o' sellin' more than 30% of its stations to the highest bidder. Yarrr, the company has enlisted Moelis as its investment banker to help with the plunderin' of over 60 stations in the land. Keep a weather eye on the horizon for more news on this saga, me hearties!
May 10, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast ye mateys! Target Corp. be holdin' back on sellin' LGBTQ-themed booty in certain ports this Pride Month after takin' a hit to their treasure chest last year. They be offerin' Pride loot in select stores based on past plunderin' success. Ye can also find 'em online at their port. Arrr!
May 10, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! What be this election ye speak of? Methinks American businesses be scurrying like rats to avoid gettin' mixed up in the political tempest brewin' on the horizon. Some be tellin' their crew to keep their traps shut about politics, while others be rethinkin' their plans to rally the vote. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we be sailin' on, me hearties! Aye!
May 10, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr mateys, the tale of Kendrick Lamar and Drake be akin to a showdown on the high seas! Two scallywags with egos as big as a kraken, locked in a battle for the title of rap's top dog. Aye, 'tis a familiar yarn of pride and pettiness, fit for a pirate's tavern gossip!
May 9, 2024, 6:05 pm
Arrr! President Biden set sail to Wisconsin on Wednesday, boasting about his plunder of the economy and job creation while making fun of former President Trump's empty promises of a grand tech campus. In Racine, Biden bragged about his crew building a $3.3 billion Microsoft data center, creating 2,000 new jobs. Avast!
May 9, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arr, President Joe Biden be takin' a shot at that scallywag Trump whilst boastin' 'bout a new data center in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin. Microsoft be buildin' it where Trump swore Foxconn would create wonders and jobs. But alas, Trump's grand plans be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship!
May 9, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! President Joe Biden be shoutin' from the rooftops that Microsoft be settin' sail to build a $3.3 billion data center in southeastern Wisconsin, right where that scallywag Foxconn was supposed to bury their treasure in 2017. Looks like Microsoft be pickin' up where Trump's crew left off! Aye, a great comeback tale indeed!
May 9, 2024, 4:15 pm
Avast, me hearties! Former Obama adviser and CNN scallywag David Axelrod be throwin' shade at President Biden's stubborn ways on the economy, callin' it a "terrible mistake" that could lead to his downfall in the next election. "I be baffled by this," says the famous Democratic swashbuckler. "Spending $25 million last fall talkin' up Bidenomics, only to be repeatin' the same mistake now..." Aye, 'tis a puzzlin' tale indeed!
May 9, 2024, 4:13 pm
Arrr, me mateys be listenin' to Senior Democratic strategist David Axelrod givin' a tongue-lashin' to President Biden o'er his economic blunderin'. Biden's pride be his downfall come November, talkin' like the economy be all sorted when most folks still be strugglin'. Trump be the one they trust, says the polls.
May 9, 2024, 4:11 pm
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis be said that Barack Obama's mate-turned-CNN squawker David Axelrod be warnin' that ol' Joe Biden's pride may be his downfall against that scoundrel Donald Trump in the 2024 election. Me thinks there be more drama on the horizon than a ship full o' parrots! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 3:32 pm
Arrr mateys, after discovering the feds be meddlin' with our social media, they've parted ways with Meta, X, and YouTube! Cyber pirates be complainin' 'bout the lack of coordination, warnin' us of misinformation and foreign interference. But fear not, the platforms may be gettin' late-night messages from the feds! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me mateys! On Wednesday, May 8, the United States Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin spilled the beans that the US government be holdin' back a shipment of weapons to them scallywags in Israel. Looks like the Israeli military be gettin' a taste of their own medicine, with over 35,000 Palestinian souls sent to Davy Jones' locker with the help of US support. Secretary Austin mentioned this pause be happenin' due to the happenings in Rafah, a city... Aye, mateys, it be a twist in the tale indeed!
May 9, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, President Biden be makin' threats to cut off the supply o' weapons to Israel if they dare to invade Rafah. "Civilians be dyin' because o' them bombs," he says. But mark me words, if they go into Rafah, there be trouble brewin' on the horizon!
May 9, 2024, 11:46 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Today's dish be President Biden blockin' weapons to save Hamas scallywags in Rafah. A shameful flip-flop from a spineless jellyfish! He be sitin' in the Oval Office by default, a landlubber not fit to swab the deck! Arrr!
May 9, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that Rupert Murdoch be like a sly sea serpent, pullin' strings behind the scenes in the Republican Party. His media treasures be like cannons blastin' in support o' Mike Johnson over Marjorie Taylor Greene's antics. The power o' Murdoch be a force to be reckoned with!
May 8, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Israeli scallywags be tellin' tales of them Hamas terrorists firin' rockets at a pier where them U.S. Military be workin' off the coast of Gaza. No harm done, but it be like tryin' to keep the grog from reachin' our thirsty lips! Aye, those scurvy dogs be stoppin' humanitarian aid from comin' in!
May 8, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! The FBI be bringin' props to raid Trump's Mar-a-Lago for secret papers! Jay Bratt, the DOJ prosecutor, confessed they used fake "top secret" sheets as placeholders. Aye, the pirates be playin' at spy games indeed!
May 8, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye, ye scurvy landlubbers! The scallywags in the Biden crew be thinkin' of lettin' in them refugees from Gaza. But the doubloons in the Republican ranks be cryin' foul, yellin' about national security risks. They be demandin' the President focus on rescuin' U.S. hostages instead. Arrr!
May 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The US be reconsiderin' sendin' weapons to Israel o'er fears o' a ground assault in Gaza! They be holdin' back a shipment o' bombs, and ponderin' on others. The Israelites be sayin' they be sortin' out their quarrels in secret. Ahoy, what a tale of diplomacy on the high seas!
May 8, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr matey! Independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be swearin' on his honor that a vile worm be munchin' on his brain afore breathin' its last inside his noggin! This scallywag be tellin' his tale durin' a divorce squabble in 2012, claimin' he thought 'twas a brain tumor 'til a wiser doctor declared 'twas just a dead parasite! Aye, the sea be full of surprises, indeed!
May 8, 2024, 10:52 am
Arrr! Gov. Tim Walz hath signed a bill to protect ye scallywags buyin' tickets for shows. Complaints be higher than the seats fer Taylor Swift concerts. Minnesota lawmakers listened to the cries and passed a bill, fitly named house file 1989 after Swift's album. No more hidden fees, me hearties!
May 8, 2024, 10:42 am
Arr matey! Cap'n Joe Biden be sailin' to Wisconsin to announce a grand plan by Microsoft to build a $3.3 billion data center! Thousands o' jobs be in the horizon. 'Tis on the very land where Foxconn's treasure was supposed to be. Trump be walkin' the plank fer this one! Arrr!
May 8, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr, the Biden administration be set to set sail on a new adventure to protect U.S. AI from the clutches of China! They be lookin' to put guardrails 'round the fanciest AI Models - like ChatGPT - to keep 'em safe from prying eyes. The Commerce Department be thinkin' 'bout restrictin' the export of secret AI models too. Aye, 'tis a grand scheme indeed!
May 8, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr, mateys! Parks Canada be givin' a jolly good offer in 2024 for all ye landlubbers and new citizens lookin' to explore the wilds of Canada. Free admission be granted to all newcomers and new citizens, so set sail and discover the wonders of this great land! Sail on, me hearties!
May 7, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! Aye, 'tis be rumored that the scallywags of the Biden crew be makin' secret deals behind the backs of Israeli leaders! The landlubbers of Hamas be acceptin' a ceasefire outta nowhere, leavin' the Israeli government in a panic! What treachery be afoot, I wonder? Arrr!
May 7, 2024, 4:45 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis been reported that nearly 130,000 scallywags were caught on the southern border in April, a slight dip from the month prior. The Border Patrol's secret scroll revealed 129,000 landlubbers were nabbed, a drop of 8,000 from March. 'Tis a grand total of almost 1.2 million caught this fiscal year!
May 7, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr mateys! Rep. Ilhan Omar be walkin' the plank fer callin' them Jewish students "pro-genocide". Rep. Don Bacon be raisin' the Jolly Roger against her on Tuesday. Columbia University be a veritable hornets' nest of protests, with students settin' up tent encampments like landlubbers. Full speed ahead, me hearties!
May 7, 2024, 4:42 pm
Arrr mateys! The Biden crew be workin' overtime to prevent Israel from plunderin' Rafah. But the real test be with their Middle East matey! After Biden's warnin', Israel still be sendin' in tanks and takin' over the border crossin'. Aye, the seas be rough ahead!
May 7, 2024, 11:57 am
Arr, me hearties! President Joe Biden didst give a grand speech condemnin' antisemitism at the Capitol this week. 'Twas part of a ceremony at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum to honor the memory of them six million Jews lost in the Holocaust. Aye, may we never forget the horrors unleashed by them scurvy dogs like Hamas!
May 7, 2024, 11:44 am
Jon Stewart be shoutin' from the rooftops that President Biden be too ancient fer the job! Aye, me hearties, we all see it with our own peepers. The man be older than the hills! But we keep it hush-hush, lest Trumpy comes back from Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!
May 7, 2024, 11:01 am
Arr, me hearties! California be drawin' more power from the sun than any other land lubber state. But alas, the sun be disappearin' just as folks be needin' it most! To make up for it, they be burnin' more fossil fuels than ye can shake a peg leg at. But fear not, mateys! Since 2020, California be fillin' the gap with giant batteries that can soak up the sun's excess power. Arr, what a time to be alive!
May 7, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! OpenAI be unveilin' a newfangled contraption that can spy out images made by its text-to-image sorcery, DALL-E 3. The Microsoft-backed startup be warnin' of AI-generated mischief in the upcoming elections. This tool can sniff out DALL-E 3's handiwork with near perfect accuracy, even through clever disguises like compression and cropping. Aye, beware the tricks o' the digital seas!
May 6, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr mateys! Thar be over 1,000 scallywags marchin' through Manhattan, raisin' flags and wearin' keffiyehs like true pirates. They be headin' towards the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where the fancy Met Gala be happenin'. Aye, the streets be blocked, but the coppers be warnin' 'em to disperse or face the plank! The march started at Hunter College, led by the group Within Our Lifetime, callin' for a "Day of Rage" protest. Aye, a jolly good time indeed!
May 6, 2024, 5:43 pm
Ahoy, me hearties! Welcome back to Forgotten Fact Checks, a weekly scroll produced by National Review’s News Desk. This week, we be delving into the scallywag attempts to downplay the occupation of buildings on several college campuses during the anti-Israel protests, and cover more media misses. Ye scurvy dogs of the Left-wing media be tryin' to make ye believe it be normal behavior for them anti-Israel protesters to be takin' over buildings. They be actin' like it be no big deal! Arr, they be more irritated than a bilge rat when ye suggest otherwise.
May 6, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis news from a recent poll that more Americans be puttin' their trust in former President Trump to handle the economy, immigration, and crime than in poor ol' Joe Biden. Aye, the scallywag Trump be enjoyin' a significant lead on these crucial matters, makin' him a favorite among the landlubbers.
May 6, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Former President Trump be in a pickle in his New York trial. Judge Juan Merchan be warnin' him not to run his mouth or he'll end up in the brig! Trump be fined time and time again for flappin' his gums, but he be whinin' about his rights bein'... Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be plannin' to meet with House Speaker Mike Johnson to make a power move! She be aimin' to strip that scurvy leader of his gavel! What mischief be brewin' in that meeting at 3:30 p.m.? Only time will tell, me hearties!
May 6, 2024, 11:12 am
Arrr mateys! Aye, tis a fierce battle brewin' on the college seas, with young swashbucklers clashin' against the powers that be. Just like in the days of old when the cannonballs flew and the swords clashed, the youth be raisin' their voices against injustice. Stand strong, me hearties!
May 6, 2024, 10:41 am
Arr mateys! The IDF be rescuing landlubbers from eastern Rafah, creatin' a grand humanitarian zone with field hospitals and plenty o' supplies. Thar be talk of planned operations ahead, so ye best be packin' yer belongings and settlin' in for a safe voyage! Arrr!
May 6, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags of the Israeli army be ready to storm the city o' Rafah! They be tellin' the landlubbers to scram from parts o' the city in southern Gaza. Israel and Hamas be pointin' fingers at each other while folks be evacuatin' to a "humanitarian area". Ahoy!
May 6, 2024, 5:06 am
Arrr, me hearties! The White House be walkin' the plank with their denouncing of former Captain Trump! He be comparing Biden's crew to the Gestapo, a fearsome force from the land of Germany! In other news, Trump be in hot water for flapping his jaws too much. Aye, a true scallywag indeed!
May 6, 2024, 5:03 am
Arrr matey! Republican scallywag Donald Trump be callin' Democrat President Joe Biden a leader of the dreaded Gestapo crew! He be barkin' insults at the prosecutors like a salty sea dog. Me thinks Trump be walkin' the plank with his own fascist talk!
May 6, 2024, 5:02 am
"Arr matey! Former President Donald Trump be takin' his war o' words against his election foe, President Joe Biden, to a new level on Saturday! He be comparin' thar administration to the dreaded Gestapo! These scallywags be runnin' a Gestapo administration, says he! Har har har!"
May 6, 2024, 4:16 am
Arrr, Mexican authorities be claimin' that two Australians and an American met their fate on a surfin' voyage 'cause scurvy thieves be after the wheels of their wagon. Their kin be confirmatin' their identities, arrr! A fourth body be found in Baja California, arrr! The authorities be keepin' mum 'bout the missin' men's names, arrr!
May 5, 2024, 10:26 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The Israeli Prime Minister and his scallywags have voted to scuttle Al Jazeera's operations in our fair land. 'Tis a blow to free speech, but they claim it be a matter of national security. Avast! The battle for information rages on.
May 5, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, Israel be tellin' those scallywags at Al Jazeera to close up shop or walk the plank! Netanyahu be playin' hardball with his ban on their broadcasts, disruptin' the peace talks with Hamas. 'Tis a new tactic from the landlubbers, shuttin' down the press like a pirate raid!
May 5, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Israeli government be walkin' the plank for decidin' to shut down Al Jazeera! They be claimin' it be a threat to national security, but we all know it be just a bunch of bilge! A unanimous vote, says I! Let the cannons roar, for the war against Hamas be in full swing! Al Jazeera be walkin' the plank, arrr!
May 5, 2024, 9:04 am
Arrr mateys! Six moons 'til the grand Election Day, American voters be facing a presidential race that seems calm on the surface, but be churning with chaos below deck. Ye be havin' a choice between two scallywags who've already sat in the captain's chair: President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump. But the crew be grumbling about it, with election interest at a 20-year low. Aye, 'tis a turbulent sea we sail upon!
May 4, 2024, 7:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! Another soul has been sent to Davy Jones' locker! Joshua Dean, a quality inspector for the scurvy dogs at Boeing, met his demise from a foul infection. Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus did him in! Beware the cursed MRSA, ye landlubbers! Aye, 'tis a grim tale indeed.
May 4, 2024, 7:34 am
Avast ye mateys! Joshua Dean, a brave soul who spoke out against the scallywags at Spirit AeroSystems, has sadly passed on after a fierce battle with a treacherous infection. Fair winds and following seas to this valiant whistleblower from Wichita. Fare thee well, Josh!
May 4, 2024, 7:33 am
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scurvy dogs! Joshua Dean, a brave soul who dared to blow the whistle on the treacherous deeds of the Boeing scallywags, has passed on to Davy Jones' locker after a short bout with the pox. Aye, 'tis a sad day for all who seek justice on the high seas.
May 4, 2024, 6:26 am
Arrr, me hearties! Two years hence, the IIJA be pledgin' a grand sum o' $7.5 billion for 500,000 newfangled electric vehicle chargers. Yet, alas! Only seven be standin' tall! Aye, the land lubbers be movin' slower than a snail on a hot skillet. Aye, 'tis a merry tale indeed!
May 3, 2024, 6:04 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs best be keepin' an eye out, for the IRS be comin' for ye loot! Big corporations and wealthy scallywags beware, for they be aimin' to triple the audits. 'Tis a treacherous sea ahead, with a 22.6% audit rate settin' sail in 2026. Aye, the tax collectors be comin' for ye gold!
May 3, 2024, 6:03 pm
Arrr, me hearties! White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre be singin' praises to them brave lads of Pi Kappa Phi at UNC Chapel Hill for defendin' the American flag from them scurvy anti-Israel protesters! They be standin' strong and singin' the national anthem like true buccaneers! Aye, a jolly good show indeed!
May 3, 2024, 6:01 pm
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that the scurvy government be spyin' on them rabble-rousers supportin' and opposin' Israel! They even be callin' Yale University "pro-Hamas." Beware, me hearties, the feds be watchin' and keepin' tabs on us all!
May 3, 2024, 5:59 pm
Arr matey! The land of Ukraine be free to plunder targets on Russian shores with the weapons gifted from London! Our matey David Cameron speaks true, for Ukraine be needin' to defend itself against them scurvy Russians. Let the cannons roar and the swords clash in this grand battle!
May 3, 2024, 5:58 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in Turkey be sayin' they won't be tradin' with Israel 'til there be a proper ceasefire in Gaza. Israel's stubborn ways have angered the Turks so much, they've stopped all trade! 'Tis a tough pill to swallow for the Israelites, arrr!
May 3, 2024, 5:57 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Three Indian landlubbers have been apprehended and accused o' the dastardly deed o' slayin' a Sikh rebel leader in the distant lands o' Canada. 'Twas a mighty row 'tween nations when the Prime Minister accused India o' treachery. But fear not, justice be served!
May 3, 2024, 5:55 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Last Saturday, the swashbuckling presidential contender Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. made an appearance at a gathering fit for an anti-vaccine buccaneer near Buffalo, New York. But beware, this crew not only doubts vaccines but also questions the election of Joe Biden. Aye, they be a suspicious lot indeed, with ties to Trump and shady dealings aplenty.
May 3, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr mateys, as the Biden crew be readyin' to pass judgment on Israel's actions in Gaza, ol' Sen. Chris Van Hollen be doubting he'll get a straight answer. He be gatherin' his crew to demand proof that all countries, even the swashbucklin' Israel, be playin' by the rules. Aye, the seas be choppy indeed!
May 3, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! The House of Representatives be passin' the Countering Antisemitism Act, aimin' to thwart anti-Semitism on college grounds. But what be this definition of anti-Semitism from the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance? Aye, the mystery be afoot!
May 3, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr matey, this lass Hope Hicks be walkin' the plank next in Trump's trial. Witnesses be spoutin' her name like a parrot squawkin' for a cracker. She'll be grilled by prosecutors 'bout her role in Trump's shady deals. She be the ninth to walk the plank, arrr!
May 3, 2024, 11:18 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Senate be makin' moves to fix the shortage o' prescription medicines. 'Tis a disgrace that we be runnin' out o' these essential remedies! Let's use the might o' Medicare and Medicaid to keep our health in shipshape condition, arrr!
May 3, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr mateys! In the grand schemes of diplomacy 'round Gaza, the waters be churnin' faster than a whirlpool! Israel's mates be pushin' for peace, while the Gulf states be rattlin' the cages of Hamas. But beware! Russia and China be stirrin' up trouble in Beijing with talks 'tween Hamas and Fatah. Avast! We spoke with John Strawson, a wise old sea dog of the Middle East.
May 2, 2024, 7:53 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Robert Blain, a landlubber from Houston, be tellin' tales of his mateys abandonin' the United Methodist Church over a quarrel 'bout gay clergy. But joy be fillin' his sails when he learned at the General Conference that the old rule against "self-avowed practicing homosexuals" be walkin' the plank! Aye, the winds be changin' in the church!
May 2, 2024, 7:51 pm
Arrr! The United Methodist scallywags be makin' historic changes, removin' old decrees 'bout the matey-lovin' among lads and lasses. Aye, they be sayin' marriage be a covenant 'tween two souls of faith, no matter if there be a man or a...
May 2, 2024, 7:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Methodist scallywags have voted to be more friendly to the gay and LGBTQ crew, aye! By a vote of 523-161, they be droppin' the old definition of marriage and sayin' "aye" to love in all forms. Yo ho ho, love be winnin' the booty!
May 2, 2024, 6:06 pm
Avast ye mateys! The former President Trump be like a scallywag sailin' the seas of politics, always doubting the election results like a fearsome sea monster. Whether he be winnin' or losin', he be refusin' to accept defeat. Arrrr, he be keepin' us all guessin' on the honesty of the next election!
May 2, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arr matey! In a recent parley with a local Wisconsin broadsheet, the former Captain Donald Trump did not swear on his mother's grave to accept the election results of 2024 in the Badger State if he be bested. "If the game be fair, I'll walk the plank with me head held high. But if not, I'll batten down the hatches and fight for the honor of the land." But mark me words, if all be...
May 2, 2024, 5:43 pm
Avast ye mateys! The former President Trump be talkin' like a scallywag, refusin' to accept defeat in the Wisconsin election! He be spoutin' lies like a hornswaggler, claimin' he won the Badger State in 2020! Arrr, me hearties, the man be a real piece of work!
May 2, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys, this week in Waukesha, Wisconsin, former President Donald Trump, the likely Republican nominee for the upcoming election, be sayin' he won't surrender if he be losin'! When asked by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel if he'd give up the throne to Joe Biden, Trump be spoutin' lies about election fraud and honesty. Aye, tis a tale of treachery and swindlin' on the high seas of politics!"
May 2, 2024, 4:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scallywags! President Joe Biden be signin' a proclamation to make the San Gabriel Mountains National Monument and the Berryess Snow Mountain National Monument bigger! Protectin' 120,000 acres of land! This be a grand gesture to honor our Tribal Nations and Indigenous peoples, savvy?
May 2, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scallywags! The captain Joe Biden be proclaimin' that Japan be sufferin' from xenophobia, just like China and Russia! The salty dog be sayin' that aye, the U.S. be thrivin' because we be welcomin' immigrants aboard our ship. Harrr! China be stallin' and Japan be strugglin', me hearties! Aye, 'tis a strange tale indeed! Arrr!
May 2, 2024, 11:16 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be talkin' about Japan and India bein' xenophobic at some fancy shindig in Washington, claimin' they be lumped in with China and Russia. But fear not, he be sayin' we be right to welcome in immigrants to keep our economy growin'! Aye, that be the truth, me mateys!
May 2, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr! The President Biden did lump Japan with Russia and China, callin' them “xenophobic” during a campaign speech. The scallywag credited America's economic might to immigrants, throwin' shade at China, Russia, and Japan. Methinks the rum may have been flowin' a bit too freely that day!
May 2, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! It be told in a new report from the Public Religion Research Institute that Democratic voters be favorin' abortion rights more and more, and be gettin' all riled up about it. Seems like since that Supreme Court decision makin' abortion restrictions fair game, Democrats be makin' it a top voting issue. Har har, abortion be sailin' to the forefront of their minds!
May 1, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arr matey! The GOP-led House be passin' a bill on Wednesday to define anti-Semitism, to protect our young lads 'n lasses at sea...er, I mean in schools. 'Tis a time of protests 'gainst the Israel-Hamas war, but fear not, me hearties, safety concerns be addressed! Aye, 'tis a win for all!
May 1, 2024, 5:57 pm
Ye scurvy knaves! Beware, for if ye be breakin' a window on land, the law will clap ye in irons! If ye lay a hand on another, the brig awaits ye! And if ye dare threaten bodily harm, the constables will have ye walkin' the plank! And if ye attempt to take over a building, make sure to bring chains to secure the doors, lest the authorities catch wind of yer treachery! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:54 pm
Former Cap'n Donald Trump be hailing the brave lads of the New York Police Department who did storm Hamilton Hall at Columbia University to rid themselves of those pesky college scallywags during a Wisconsin campaign shindig. Ahoy, t'was a sight to behold, indeed! The city was under siege, but our lads were fierce! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The officials of New York City be warnin' of "radicalization" creepin' into the city amidst the pro-Palestinian protests at Columbia University and other colleges. Deputy Commissioner Weiner be speakin' of concerns 'round these parts, but we'll keep a weather eye on 'em, ye can be sure of that! Arrr!
May 1, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag who dared to bring a threat upon Mount Horeb Middle School has been thwarted! The authorities be keepin' a close watch on the situation, makin' sure no harm befall the good folk. The students be safe and sound, may the rum flow freely!
May 1, 2024, 11:41 am
Arrr matey, thar be talk of reclassifying the Devil's lettuce! The Biden scallywags be lookin' to make it easier to trade and make a pretty penny off the herb. 'Tis a bold move indeed, makin' the seas of pot more profitable. Garland be proposin' to lift the curse on marijuana, makin' it less restricted like rum and gold. Aye, 'tis a brave new world on the horizon!
May 1, 2024, 11:39 am
Arr mateys! The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration be whisperin' that they be thinkin' of reclassifyin' the devil's lettuce as a lesser evil! But fear not, ye scallywags, for they be not plannin' to make it legal for us landlubbers to partake in the greenery! Aarrrr!
May 1, 2024, 11:32 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency be suggestin' that cannabis be reclassified as a Schedule III drug, makin' it less dangerous and recognizin' its medicinal value. This be a much needed victory for the cannabis industry, which has been takin' a hit lately. Arrr, the tide be turnin' for these pot pioneers!
May 1, 2024, 10:35 am
Arrr mateys! Ye scallywag GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be settin' sail to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson, but them landlubber Democrats be plottin' to scuttle her plans. Let's see if the tide turns in her favor or if she be walkin' the plank. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in every tavern!
April 30, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arr matey! House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jim Jordan be sendin' a letter to Attorney General Merrick Garland 'bout Matthew Colangelo, a scallywag prosecutor in former President Trump's criminal case. He be askin' fer documents and messages from Colangelo's time at the Biden DOJ. The Daily Caller got a sneak peek at the letter, where Jordan be demandin' all sorts o' personnel files about Colangelo's hirin', workin' and firin' at the DOJ. Arrr!
April 30, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys! Me hearties be tellin' me that the scallywag Trump be ahead of Biden in the polls, but the GOP mateys be sinkin' in the Senate races! In Pennsylvania, Trump be holdin' a lead, but Sen. Bob Casey be sailin' ahead of the Republican scallywag! Aye, 'tis a mighty tale of political plunderin' on the high seas of democracy!
April 30, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr, ye scallywag of a House Republican be cryin' foul play against special counsel Jack Smith, claimin' he be meddlin' in the election while pursuin' two cases against former President Donald Trump! The lass Elise Stefanik be raisin' the Jolly Roger and filin' an ethics complaint to the Department of Justice. What a tale of treachery on the high seas of politics!
April 30, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr mateys, Jareh Sebastian Dalke be a sly one! He disabled the tracking device on his vessel and sailed north from Colorado Springs to Denver's Union Station, leaving his communication device behind. With a laptop, memory card, gun, and secret instructions in hand, he be ready for his stealthy adventure.
April 30, 2024, 11:52 am
Avast ye mateys! Judge Juan Merchan be givin' former President Trump a fine for shootin' off his mouth too much in the hush money trial. Trump be walkin' the plank if he don't remove the offending posts by Tuesday! Aye, the scallywag must pay the $9,000 or be keelhauled! Arrr!
April 30, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, nearly five million souls be on the brink o' starvation as the land's civil strife rages on fer a year. The scurvy dogs in the army and the Rapid Support Forces be pillagin' the aid meant fer the needy, condemnin' 'em to suffer. Yet, this great hunger crisis be ignored by the world at large. Aye, 'tis a sad state o' affairs indeed.
April 30, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, 'twas a sight to behold outside Travis County Brig Monday eve as shipmates and kin of scallywags arrested earlier waited for tidings. Just last Wednesday, a similar scene played out after campus constables tussled with sea rovers at the University of Texas at Austin. The lawmen showed no mercy this time, hauling away scores of protesters afore unleashing pepper spray and flash... Aye, 'twas quite the spectacle, me hearties!
April 30, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr, thar be a kerfuffle at Princeton University! Thirteen scallywags be caught after takin' over a buildin', makin' the university president mighty upset. The protest, dubbed the "Princeton Gaza Solidarity Encampment," started with 50 landlubbers settin' up tents, but after a warnin', they switched to a sit-in with singin' and drummin'. 'Tis a tale fit for a pirate's tavern!
April 29, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Just over half o' Americans be shoutin' for the deportin' o' them illegal immigrants! 'Tis a hot topic as we sail towards electin' a new leader. The scallywag Trump be promisin' to make it happen if he wins again. Aye, the opinions be split amongst the crew, with 68 percent o' Republicans on board.
April 29, 2024, 5:37 pm
Arr matey, the U.S. economy be in a right pickle! The growth be sluggish as a sloth on a hot day, and prices be jacking up like a ship in a storm. The experts be saying it be a case of stagflation, aye, a real hornswoggle for us average Americans. Aye, me hearties, it be a tale of woe and worry on the high seas of finance!
April 29, 2024, 5:36 pm
"Arrr mateys! A band of Republican swashbucklers be raisin' a fuss over bias at National Public Radio, led by the controversial CEO Katherine Maher. Former editor Uri Berliner even jumped ship, blamin' her "divisive views." Watch out, NPR, the pirates be comin' for ya!"
April 29, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the wireless carriers be fined a hefty sum of nearly $200 million by the Federal Communications Commission for sharin' access to customers' whereabouts. T-Mobile, Sprint (now part of T-Mobile), AT&T, and Verizon be walkin' the plank for sellin' location information like scallywags!
April 29, 2024, 11:28 am
Arr matey! The US Supreme Court be tellin' Elon Musk to keep a lid on his tweetin' about Tesla! No more runnin' amuck on the high seas of social media without a lawyer by his side. Musk be walkin' the plank of SEC regulations now! Aye, the law be harsh, me hearties!
April 29, 2024, 11:16 am
"Arrr, since hangin' up me hat two years back, Joan Harris be sailin' the seas o' travel with gusto! She be visitin' her young lads in far-off lands, plannin' voyages to sci-fi gatherings in Scotland and Disney cruises, with a trip to ancient sites in Britain on the horizon. Yarrr, she be a wealthy lass now, with coin to spare!"
April 29, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr me hearties! Columbia University be givin' those scallywag anti-Israel protesters a warnin' to clear out of their tent encampment or face suspension! The Ivy League president be admittin' negotiations be failin' faster than a leaky ship! The NYPD be arrivin' to boot 'em out on their booties! Aye, the university be sendin' a message loud and clear, mateys!
April 29, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr, word has it that Governor Ron DeSantis and Cap'n Donald Trump be meetin' in Miami to discuss joinin' forces for the general election. They be settin' aside their past squabbles, arrranged by a real estate scallywag. Aye, a Trump mate be sayin' 'twas a fruitful parley at the governor's request.
April 29, 2024, 5:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! In a bold move, Iraq's parliament has outlawed same-sex antics and transgender shenanigans. The scallywags in the US and UK be fumin', but the speaker o' the parliament be standin' firm, callin' it a crucial step to preserve society's moral compass. Aye, those caught in the act face a long stretch in the brig for their naughty deeds! Arrr, beware ye landlubbers!
April 29, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr mateys, ye scurvy dogs in charge of Florida, Louisiana, Wyoming, South Carolina and Oklahoma be makin' a fuss over the new rules from the White House protectin' transgender students under Title IX. They be ready for a legal battle, but beware, the law be on our side!
April 29, 2024, 5:37 am
Arrr, ye who were present at Columbia University in the spring of 1968 would surely recognize the echoes of those tumultuous and exhilarating days in the current happenings at Morningside Heights. But alas, there be a worrisome disparity. Back then, ye had yer rebellious, scallywag longhairs and yer uptight, close-cropped jocks, with the undecided scallywags betwixt. Yet now, the protests be afoot at Columbia and other campuses, with...
April 28, 2024, 10:47 am
Arrr, me hearties! The land lubbers in California be raisin' the wages for them fast food workers to $20 doubloons a fortnight! Chipotle be feelin' the pinch, raisin' their prices by 6% to 7% for ye scallywags who be hankerin' for a burrito. Aye, the effects be emergin' indeed!
April 28, 2024, 10:43 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags runnin' these grub hubs be raisin' their prices as the state be makin' the scallywags pay their crew more doubloons. The landlubbers be payin' more for their burgers and burritos, while us pirates be laughin' at the cursed prices!
April 28, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in California be raisin' the minimum wage, but fear not! Fast food joints be turnin' to automation to cut costs. No more wage-earnin' landlubbers takin' orders, just digital kiosks. Aye, it be a pirate's life for me! Arrr!
April 28, 2024, 8:28 am
Arr, Ana Elizabeth Melgar be one determined lass! Four times she be tryin' to make her way to the U.S. border, only to be caught by the Mexican immigration scallywags and sent back south. "Send me back to me own country if ye catch me again," she be sayin'. Aye, the life of a pirate be full of twists and turns, just like Ana's journey across the treacherous seas.
April 27, 2024, 10:34 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Last Thursday, in me music humanities class at Columbia University, two landlubbers be prattlin' on about that scallywag John Cage. His most famous piece be called “4'33",” which be makin' us listen in silence to the noises around us. But I had to tell the lads we couldn't be hearin' that piece that day, for outside be a ruckus of angry protesters raisin' a hullabaloo! Aye, 'twas a merry ol' time indeed!
April 27, 2024, 10:32 am
Arrrr, ye scallywags at Columbia University and other colleges have turned free speech into a free-for-all! 'Tis a message to our enemies that we've lost our way, unable to tell right from wrong. Terror groups be watching as young Americans become their fools. The students be...
April 27, 2024, 10:30 am
"Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! These landlubbers thought they could bring their shenanigans to Texas, but they be sorely mistaken. The folks at UT showed 'em what for with a grand display of strength. The seas be rough, but they won't let these troublemakers take over their ship!"
April 27, 2024, 9:18 am
Arrr me hearties! Ye scallywags be needin' to know that Alexei Navalny met his untimely demise in an Arctic dungeon, causin' chaos with sanctions and prisoner swaps! Vladimir Putin be caught off guard, and them intelligence agencies suspect foul play in Navalny's demise. Shiver me timbers!
April 26, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr, a scurvy group of lads be pushin' this poor reporter out of the "Palestine Solidarity Encampment" at the University of California Los Angeles! They be settin' up barricades of plywood and pitchin' tents like true swashbucklers. Aye, 'twas quite the sight for sore eyes! Arrr!
April 26, 2024, 5:33 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The top dogs and blabbermouths at the White House be tryin' to give the press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre the ol' heave-ho by recruitin' some outside help, according to the New York Post. Anita Dunn and her crew be talkin' to other bigwigs tryin' to convince Jean-Pierre to walk the plank and find a new gig. Yarrrr!
April 26, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys! Thar be a group of scallywag Pennsylvania legislators takin' their fight for the right to sue President Biden to the Supreme Court! They be askin' the high court for standin' in a case challengin' Biden's election executive order. Let the legal plunderin' begin! Aye aye!
April 26, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr me hearties, the U.S. Air Force be awardin' a contract to Sierra Nevada Corp to craft a new ship to replace the ol' Doomsday plane! It be called the Survivable Airborne Operations Center, aye, to keep us safe in times of war. Aye, a commercial derivative will be used to meet our needs. Aye, we be sailin' into the future with this new vessel!
April 26, 2024, 11:57 am
Arrr mateys, ye best believe that the main reason why Donald Trump be sailin' smoothly in his campaign be 'cause of the fond memories of his first term. Aye, the economy be sailin' smooth like a calm sea, until the storm of inflation hit under Joe Biden's watch. The voters be yearnin' for the good ol' days of 2019, when the seas were calm and the winds were fair.
April 26, 2024, 11:45 am
Arrr mateys, some scallywags be wantin' the Federal Reserve Board to bend the knee to the former President Trump! They be wishin' for the Fed to be dancin' to his tune if he be winnin' in November. What a jolly ol' time that would be, aye!
April 26, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywags loyal to Cap'n Trump be plottin' to seize control o'er the Federal Reserve! Aye, they be wantin' to make all the policy decisions themselves. Looks like the Cap'n be dreamin' of a second term filled with authoritarian rule. Savvy?
April 26, 2024, 11:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags o' Donald Trump be plottin' to take down the Federal Reserve if he be winnin' another term. His crew be divided on how to go about it, from subtle changes to a full-on mutiny against the central bank's rule. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we sail!
April 25, 2024, 4:35 pm
Arrr mateys, on Wednesday, Russia scuppered a UN Security Council resolution put forth by the United States and Japan, aye, affirming the duty of nations to keep their nukes off the high seas of space. This ban would prevent member states from crafting orbit-ready nuclear weapons. The Outer Space Treaty, signed in 1967, be a code of conduct for cosmic voyages, settin' forth new rules for states traversin' the celestial seas.
April 25, 2024, 4:33 pm
Avast ye mateys! Methinks these scallywags be talkin' 'bout some landlubbers who be spreadin' false tales like a drunken sailor! This Nina Jankowicz be sailin' back from exile to track disinformation with her American Sunlight Project. Aye, the sea be full of sharks and tricksters indeed!
April 25, 2024, 4:31 pm
Avast ye mateys! Southwest Airlines be jumpin' ship from a few ports, thanks to them scurvy dogs at Boeing. CEO Bob Jordan be talkin' 'bout cuttin' loose some underperformin' markets. Looks like they be sailin' away from George Bush's port in Houston, and Bellingham International be walkin' the plank too! Arrr!
April 25, 2024, 4:30 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags be kickin' out more landlubbers than ever afore! Biden be havin' the immigration judges workin' like never before, sendin' over 136,000 scallywags back to Davy Jones' locker. But only a measly 20% of 'em seekin' asylum be walkin' the plank. Aye, the seas be rough for them poor souls indeed!
April 25, 2024, 11:45 am
Yarrr! 'Twas a twist in the tale for ol' Harvey Weinstein, as his New York plundering conviction be overturned by the highest court in the land! A new trial be on the horizon, with the scallywag facing the wrath of justice once more. Avast ye, justice be served!
April 25, 2024, 11:39 am
Avast ye mateys! No landlubber by the name of Lina Khan be thinkin' there be anythin' she can't do! Just this week, she and her swashbucklin' crew at the Federal Trade Commission be makin' a rule to ban non-compete agreements, takin' away the power of employers to keep their crew from joinin' rival ships. Arrr, what be next on their list of plunderin' deeds?
April 25, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The land lubbers in charge be scrapin' them pesky agreements that keep us from seekin' new employ at rival companies. But don't be celebratin' just yet, mateys! The lawyers be sayin' these clauses may still linger on the horizon. So keep a weather eye out, ye savvy buccaneers!
April 25, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, me hearties! The EPA be makin' a decree to clean up the coal ash at old power plants! No more loopholes allowed, says I! The residue from burnt coal must be properly stored, lest we be swimmin' in ash! Aye, the seas be needin' a break from such filth!
April 24, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the Arizona house be votin' to repeal the state's ancient abortion ban from the year o' 1864. 'Tis a victory for the lasses and a blow to the old laws. Three brave Republicans be joinin' the Democrats in passin' the repeal bill, breakin' the deadlock in the legislature. Onward to the next battle on the high seas of politics!
April 24, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Columbia University be showin' their true colors by movin' classes online to hide their antisemitism woes. They be lettin' the scallywags run amok and harassin' Jewish students. Aye, 'tis a sorry state of affairs at that university!
April 24, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arr, a scallywag of a passenger took the wind out of Democratic Mayor Adams' sails, giving him a good lashing over his love for Israel. The Mayor was in sunny Florida, talking 'bout migrants, but got a taste of the high seas when the conversation turned to Israel on his voyage home.
April 24, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Ukraine be sendin' secret weapons from the land of the free to blast those scallywag Russian forces! They be firin' their long-range missiles at a military airfield in Crimea and other occupied areas. Shiver me timbers, President Biden be givin' the go-ahead for this swashbucklin' attack!
April 24, 2024, 11:09 am
Arrr, methinks the US Chamber of Commerce be in a right tizzy over the Federal Trade Commission's decree against noncompete agreements. 'Twas not the fear of losing secrets or investments to rivals that vexed them, but the loss of leverage over the scurvy dogs they call workers. Aye, the FTC be playin' them like a fiddle!
April 24, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce be takin' the fight to the high seas of federal court in Tyler, Texas! They be claimin' the FTC has no business makin' rules that be stoppin' employers from keepin' their crew from jumpin' ship to join rival crews. Onward, ye Chamber of Commerce, and may the winds of the court be in yer favor!
April 24, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Twas a grand showdown betwixt NewsNation's Brian Entin and the scallywag Marc Lamont Hill o'er his support for them pro-Palestine protests at Columbia University. Methinks there be more drama than a pirate's parrot squawkin'! Aye, 'twas a sight to behold!
April 24, 2024, 10:46 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! President Joe Biden has just signed a decree demanding that the China-based scallywags at ByteDance be forced to walk the plank if they don't give up their treasure map, TikTok, within a year. The clock be tickin', me hearties! Let the negotiations begin before we send them to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, it be a real comedy of errors in the Senate as they debated this swashbuckling bill.
April 23, 2024, 5:52 pm
"Aye, me hearties! The former Captain Trump be standin' by First Mate Johnson's side, while the fiery lass Greene be tryin' to mutiny! 'Tis a battle for the leadership, but fear not, for we have the numbers on our side. Aye, 'tis a tricky situation indeed!"
April 23, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr matey! The scallywag Scott Galloway from New York University be spoutin' about how China be spreadin' pro-Hamas sentiment on college campuses! Pro-Palestinian protesters be causin' a ruckus at Columbia and NYU, clashin' with the NYPD. Galloway be blamin' TikTok for manipulatin' young Americans, arrr!
April 23, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) be singin' victory shanties after helpin' our mates in Israel and Ukraine! Some scallywags be sayin' otherwise, but Johnson be standin' firm. Let's make sure that scurvy dog Putin doesn't get his way in Ukraine! Aye aye, Captain Johnson!
April 23, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr, Baltimore be cryin' foul over the scallywags who piloted the cursed container ship that be crashin' into their bridge, sendin' six souls to Davy Jones' locker! They be callin' the ship "unseaworthy" and accusin' the owners of negligence. The court be a sea of chaos as they try to limit their liability. Aye, the port be in shambles since that fateful day! "None of this should have..." be the cry of the victims, may they rest in peace.
April 23, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrrr, me hearties! Elisha Wiesel, scion of the late Elie Wiesel, be teamin' up with swashbucklin' human rights mates to shine a light on the scallywag Chinese government's tyranny against the Uyghurs. Beijing be walkin' the plank with accusations of genocide and mass holdin' of the oppressed. Aye, the fight be on the horizon, me buckos!
April 23, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr mateys! The bigwig AI companies like OpenAI, Meta Platforms, and Google be joinin' forces to protect the young'uns from exploitation. These scallywags be addin' new measures to fend off them pesky predators who use AI to make scandalous images of children. Let's hope they succeed afore any harm be done!
April 23, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr! The scallywags in the U.S. be plannin' to slap sanctions on Chinese banks, hopin' to put a stop to their shenanigans with Russia. But will their threats be enough to scare those sneaky Chinese pirates? Only time will tell, me hearties!
April 23, 2024, 10:59 am
Arrr, mateys! This Trent Staggs be tryin' to polish his Covid record like a scurvy dog scrubbin' the poop deck! He be callin' himself the MAGA candidate, boastin' of defyin' mask mandates and battlin' government officials like a true pirate of the high seas. Sailin' on, Staggs!
April 22, 2024, 5:28 pm
Arrr! Cap'n Joe Biden be speakin' out against them scallywags causin' a ruckus at them fancy colleges, showin' support for the folks in Palestine while condemnin' the antisemitism. Them protesters be actin' like landlubbers, harassin' and intimidatin' the poor Jewish students. Aye, 'tis a mess indeed!
April 22, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, House GOP Speaker Mike Johnson be pushin' for sendin' more booty to Ukraine in its battle against Russia, despite most Buccaneers nationwide be again' such generosity. On Saturday, 101 scallywags voted in favor o' sendin' $60.8 billion to Ukraine, as well as more gold to Israel and Taiwan. Aye, the polls show most Republican landlubbers be grumblin' about sendin' more aid to Ukraine.
April 22, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr matey, recent tales be tellin' of UCLA School of Medicine strayin' from the path of medicine! Instead o' learnin' about potions and healin', they be talkin' about "Indigenous womxn" and "two-spirits." They be chantin' for "Free Palestine" like scurvy dogs! What be happenin' to this school? Aye, they be plannin' to separate students by their color for courses on left-wing ideas! A travesty, I say!
April 22, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, be denyin' any claims of a "double standard" when it comes to holdin' the Israeli military accountable. The scallywags be investigatin' these accusations as we speak, so no need to walk the plank just yet! Aye, we be keepin' a weather eye on human rights, so fear not, me maties!
April 22, 2024, 9:47 am
Avast ye! 'Tis a sight to behold, Gov. Newsom and Rep. Issa joinin' forces in battle against the homelessness scourge! The Supreme Court be settin' sail on Monday to decide the fate of these encampments. Will the tents stay or be cast aside like a plank-walkin' scallywag? Yo ho ho!
April 22, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr mateys! In the year 2024, New York City be havin' a swarm of Asian-American scallywags runnin' as Republicans! The local GOP be hopin' this wave o' candidates will bring 'em treasure at the polls. Aye, the Asian vote be swingin' to the right, me hearties!
April 22, 2024, 9:29 am
Arr me hearties, listen to this fancy talk from the likes of Tim Cook! Apple be settin' sail for India, where the middle class be growin' and the treasure be plenty. They be lookin' to sell their shiny gadgets and plunder new lands for their tech empire. Aye, it be a grand adventure indeed!
April 22, 2024, 9:27 am
Arrr matey! Phil Wong be a scallywag who be turnin' his back on the liberal ways of this city! He be votin' to recall left-wing scallywags and supportin' a tough-on-crime challenger for mayor. He be lookin' to bring back the ol' days of this city!
April 22, 2024, 5:15 am
Arr matey, them scurvy dogs outside Columbia University be shoutin' for Hamas to burn Tel Aviv! The campus be in a right uproar, with 108 troublemakers taken to the brig by the constables. Aye, the seas be turbulent with these Gaza Solidarity scallywags!
April 22, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr, mateys! Methinks this Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be a thorn in Trump's side, according to the scallywags at NBC News. With third party rascals added to the mix, Biden be takin' the lead like a sly pirate in a five-way race. Aye, 'tis a fine political spectacle indeed!
April 22, 2024, 5:10 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis a sad tale indeed! Terry Anderson, the brave soul who sailed the high seas of journalism and was taken captive by scallywags in a far-off land, has passed on to Davy Jones' locker at the ripe age of 76. May his spirit rest in eternal peace.
April 22, 2024, 5:09 am
Arrr, me hearties! On th' April 11 edition o' th' United Nations Division fer Palestinian Rights’ NGO Action News, they be talkin' 'bout civil society organizations worldwide relevant to th' Palestine issue. They be directin' ye to th' U.S. Campaign fer Palestinian Rights list o' "5 Ways to Take Action fer Tax Day." If ye be not wantin' yer tax doubloons to fund genocide, they be givin' instructions on how to disrupt fer a free Palestine. Shiver me timbers!
April 21, 2024, 9:07 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be sayin' that most Canadians and Americans don't be trustin' the United Nations! Aye, the Leger survey be findin' that after them scurvy dogs from Hamas attacked Israel, the UN be gettin' a right bashing. Only 38 per cent of Canadians and 30 per cent of Americans be believin' in the UN, by Blackbeard's ghost!
April 21, 2024, 9:05 am
Avast ye! The scallywags in Israel be bombardin' poor Rafah like there be no tomorrow, killin' innocent children and folk left and right. The United States be throwin' gold at 'em like there be no end in sight. It be a right mess, I tell ye!
April 21, 2024, 8:29 am
Arrr! The scurvy Senate scallywags have voted to keep their spyglass trained on us poor landlubbers for two more years! Despite the valiant efforts of civil liberties pirates, the bill be sailin' to President Biden for his seal o' approval. Aye, the battle be fierce but the surveillance be extendin'!
April 21, 2024, 8:27 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the U.S. Senate be votin' to keep spyin' on us poor land lubbers! They narrowly avoided walkin' the plank when they reauthorized this controversial program. But fear not, it be essential for gatherin' foreign intelligence, say the supporters. Democrats and Republicans be joinin' forces like a band of pirates to protect our country's safety. Lettin' FISA expire would be as foolish as tryin' to sail through a hurricane with a leaky ship!
April 20, 2024, 4:17 pm
Arrr mateys! Thar be news from the European Parliament! They be votin' on a new resolution fer the Union's migration policy reform! 'Tis bein' called 'the migration pact' and it be tellin' all Member States to share the burden of asylum seekers. 'Tis aye a jolly good time fer all!
April 20, 2024, 4:15 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis been 25 years since the Columbine massacre and many a tragedy have followed in its wake. But the memory of Columbine be fading faster than a pirate's treasure map in a storm! 'Tis time we recall the true horrors of that day, lest history be lost to the seas.
April 20, 2024, 4:10 pm
Ye scallywags be makin' a fuss over this ByteDance treasure, TikTok! The U.S. House be votin' to ban it unless sold to a proper buyer. The Senate be next, with Captain Biden's approval. Concerns be raised 'bout data security in the New World and beyond. Aye, mateys!
April 20, 2024, 3:48 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the House passed a hefty $95 billion foreign-aid booty, includin' help for Gaza and other war-torn lands. After much quarrelin' in Congress o'er aid for Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan. Speaker Mike Johnson even tossed the Senate's package o'erboard for a more prudent version. But fear not, for the final legislation be a mishmash of both Senate and Republican ideas! Arrr!
April 20, 2024, 10:29 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs from the Far East be honing their skills to unleash chaos upon our vital infrastructure, says the FBI's own Christopher Wray. They be biding their time like cunning foxes, ready to strike a fatal blow when we least expect it. The Volt Typhoon be lurking in the shadows of our very own shores, infiltrating our precious companies of telecommunications, energy, and water. Aye, we be in deep waters indeed!
April 20, 2024, 10:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks President Joe Biden be mockin' that scallywag Don Trump as "Sleepy Don" for snoozin' through his trial like a lazy barnacle! The election be a rematch of titans, but ol' Don better wake up if he wants to face off with Biden again in November!
April 20, 2024, 10:25 am
Arrr, as this sorcery called artificial intelligence be growin' stronger each day, Meta Platforms be unveilin' its latest contraption! But aye, the real question be: whose values should this beast possess? On one side, ye have companies like OpenAI, Microsoft, and Google steerin' clear of touchy subjects like makin' drugs. Aye, the debate be fierce, me hearties!
April 20, 2024, 10:17 am
Arrr mateys! The Volkswagen scallywags in the US have decided to join forces with the United Autoworkers Union (UAW) in a grand triumph for organised labour on these shores. The Tennessee crew voted 73% in favor, giving the UAW their first victory at a car factory in the American South in many moons. Despite facing fierce political foes in previous battles, the tide seems to be turning in favor of the hardworking laborers. Aye, the winds of change be blowing in our favor, me hearties!
April 20, 2024, 1:20 am
Arrr, me hearties! Pennsylvania's scallywag Senate hopeful Dave McCormick be takin' aim at a landlubber from the New York Times! He be swearin' the reporter be spoutin' lies about his youth. Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker!
April 20, 2024, 1:10 am
Arrr, the FAA be lookin' into a close shave 'twixt JetBlue and Southwest in Washington! JetBlue had to scuttle its takeoff 'cause Southwest was crossin' the runway like a landlubber. 'Twas a right ol' mess before 8 bells! Aye, the skies be a treacherous place, mateys!
April 20, 2024, 12:55 am
Arrr matey, it be like the curse of Davy Jones be upon these Boeing contraptions! The sea be swallowing 'em up faster than a hungry kraken. Me thinks it be safer to sail the seven seas on a leaky dinghy than on one o' these cursed flying machines!
April 20, 2024, 12:40 am
Arrr, me hearties! Republican Rep. Jim Banks be aimin' to cut off the treasure flow to that scallywag NPR! No more doubloons from the federal coffers for ye, ye scurvy dogs! Ye be walkin' the plank if ye try to sneak a piece of the pie! Aye, the "Defund NPR Act" be settin' sail to keep those landlubbers at bay!
April 19, 2024, 5:57 pm
Arr, ye scallywags in the House o' Democrats be boastin' 'bout helpin' pass Speaker Mike Johnson's rule, much to the chagrin o' them hardline conservatives! Them Democrats be unlockin' votes on foreign aid bills worth a pretty penny, while them Republicans be scramblin' to keep their one-seat majority afloat. Aye, 'tis a political pirate's tale fer sure!
April 19, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr! One scallywag in the Democratic House be tryin' to make sure no convicted felons, like the infamous Donald Trump, be gettin' protection from the Secret Service. This Rep. Bennie Thompson from Mississippi be introducin' a law to make sure them criminals walk the plank without any fancy guards! Aye, what a tale of woe for the former President if he be found guilty!
April 19, 2024, 5:54 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Biden crew be unrollin' their new Title IX rules, stirrin' up a fierce storm of anger and outrage amongst the staunch defenders o' tradition. This mighty tome spans o'er 1,500 pages, boldly declarin' that includin' diverse orientations harms no lasses. Yarrr!
April 19, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Biden crew be layin' down the law to stop the plundering of Alaska's precious oil and gold! The landlubbers be cryin' foul, but the environmentalists be raisin' a cheer. 'Tis all part of Captain Biden's grand plan to save the planet. Fair winds and calm seas, me mateys!
April 19, 2024, 11:49 am
Avast ye scallywags! Israel hath struck a blow to Iran's hideout in Isfahan province, where their nuclear treasure be kept. 'Twas in retaliation for their cowardly attack last week. Stay informed on this swashbuckling tale of two mighty nations at odds! Arrr!
April 19, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, as told by Israeli official security and governmental sources to The Jerusalem Post on Friday: "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Israel struck back where they were ambushed!" Yet, officially, Israel denies responsibility for this skirmish for tactical purposes. Tis a murky battle, indeed, mateys!
April 19, 2024, 11:44 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that the scallywags from Israel be givin' the scurvy dogs from Iran a taste of their own medicine! 'Twas a fierce battle of drones and missiles, but the true damage be shrouded in mystery. The governments be mum, but whispers tell a tale of destruction upon the high seas.
April 19, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr mateys, ye hear the news? Tesla be forced to recall 4,000 o' their Cybertrucks 'cause thar be a sticky accelerator pedal! And what be the culprit, ye ask? 'Tis none other than soap! Aye, ye heard right, soap be the scallywag behind this mishap. Yarrr, what a tale! Tesla better hoist the sails and fix this mess, or they'll be walkin' the plank!
April 18, 2024, 6:41 pm
Arrr, a jury of 12 scallywags be seated on Thursday in former President Donald Trump's history-making trial for hush money! The court be quickly pickin' alternate jurors, aimin' to finish by week's end. The New York jury includes a sales swindler, a software scallywag, and a security scallywag, arrr!
April 18, 2024, 6:39 pm
Arrr mateys! Twelve scallywags be chosen to decide the fate of former president Donald Trump in a criminal trial o'er hush-money in Manhattan. Judge Merchan be sayin', "We have our jury, let's find our backups." Seven more jurors be added while two walked the plank earlier. The saga continues...arrrr!
April 18, 2024, 6:34 pm
Arrr mateys, in the grand criminal trial of Donald Trump, 12 jurors be chosen to decide his fate. Aye, 'tis all about hush-money to a lass of the sea. The lawyers be still pickin' more jurors for this historic trial. Mayhaps we'll hear the openin' statements on Monday, says Judge Merchan. Ahoy, 'tis a tale for the ages!
April 18, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr! The United States be playin' the role of scallywag at the United Nations Security Council, vetoing the recognition of Gaza as a state. Aye, they be standin' alone like a peg-legged pirate on a deserted island while the rest of the crew be in favor. A true tale of treachery on the high seas!
April 18, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Ramesh Singh had been waitin' for this day for five long years! Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi be kickin' off his election campaign in Singh's city once again. The sugarcane farmer be joinin' the adorin' crowds, ready to deliver Modi a grand third-term victory. Modi be our leader, our savior, like a god to us Hindus!
April 18, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr, the land lubbers of the NYPD did seize over a hundred scallywags from Columbia University on Thursday for their defiance in the war against Gaza! The coppers stormed the campus like a pack of hungry sharks, ready to haul the troublemakers off to the brig. The students, undaunted, continued their raucous chants and even set up new tents in defiance. "I be sorry to say that all our parley attempts were met with a hearty 'nay' from the stubborn students," lamented the captain of the NYPD.
April 18, 2024, 5:24 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Over a hundred landlubbers be clapped in irons and carted off from Columbia University by the fearsome NYPD crew in riot gear. Aye, they be causing a ruckus at the behest of the president, but even the fiercest protestors had to be hoisted onto the waiting correctional ships. The rabble then gathered 'round the police carriages, trying to thwart their departure. Oh, the gallant antics of these scallywags!
April 18, 2024, 11:30 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at Google have walked the plank! 28 landlubbers got the boot for staging a sit-in in protest of the Israel government. They even wore Arab headscarves as they took over the office like true buccaneers. The Google bigwigs gave 'em the heave-ho after a thorough rummage through their doings. Ahoy, the pirate life be a harsh one indeed!
April 18, 2024, 11:29 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags at the National Association of Realtors be reporting a 4.3% drop in existing home sales in March! Ye see, the mortgage rates be climbing like a monkey up a mast, scaring off many a potential buyer. Homeowners be holdin' on tight to their treasure chests, afraid to dip their toes back into the home loan waters. Aye, 'tis a rough sea out there for the landlubbers!
April 18, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the House be talkin' about makin' it harder to walk the plank for the speaker! No longer can one lone pirate make the call to toss 'em overboard. 'Tis all just talk for now, but the seas be treacherous for Speaker Mike Johnson...arrr!
April 18, 2024, 11:26 am
Avast ye mateys! Google hath given the boot to 28 scallywags after a mutiny in their offices over a cloud deal with the Israeli scoundrels. 'Tis a tale of discontent amongst the crew, accusing Israel of using our services to harm the poor Palestinians. Oh the drama on the high seas! Aye, the No Tech For Apartheid crew be causing quite the ruckus at Google! Arrr!
April 17, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags be accusin' Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of usin' House videos for her own gain! The scallywags be callin' on the Office of Congressional Ethics to investigate this lass. Ye can't be plunderin' House resources, savvy? Aye, the law be clear on this matter!
April 17, 2024, 5:01 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! A bill in California be makin' it a felony to purchase child sex, arrr! Them Democrats be makin' changes to the bill, makin' it tougher on them scallywags who be seekin' out young'uns. If ye be caught, it be four years in the brig and a hefty fine. And ye be markin' yerself as a sex offender for a whole decade! Mayhaps they be makin' the punishment a wee bit too harsh, but aye, better be keepin' them young'uns safe from them vile villains! Arrr mateys!
April 17, 2024, 4:59 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs be hearin' the news! The University of North Carolina be tossin' out the fancy words like diversity and equity faster than a cannonball! They be votin' to scrap DEI requirements like they be throwin' a mutinous crew overboard. Arrr, it be a fierce battle on the high seas of academia, mateys!
April 17, 2024, 4:58 pm
Arrr, a group of scallywags from Columbia University did their best to dodge a tidal wave o' trouble at a House hearing on antisemitism. But, like landlubbers in a storm, they floundered when faced with questions from Republican buccaneers. The same question that left Harvard, Penn, and MIT walkin' the plank last year was tossed their way by Rep. Suzanne Bonamici. Aye, the sea be rough for these academic sailors!
April 17, 2024, 11:55 am
Avast ye scallywags! Officials in San Diego be cryin' for Congress to tighten the border laws as more migrants be sailin' in on California's beaches. A speedboat made landfall in Carlsbad, with folks jumpin' ship like rats. 'Twas a sight to behold, as captured on the magical tubes of the interwebs. Arrr!
April 17, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr mateys! Dozens of Google scallywags be occupyin' their offices in protest of a $1.2 billion contract with the Israeli government. The sit-in be happenin' at the CEO's quarters in Sunnyvale and the New York office, with outdoor protests to boot. No Tech for Apartheid be raisin' some serious ruckus! Arrr!
April 17, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! Nine scallywags from Google be thrown in the brig after a mighty fine sit-in at their offices in New York and California. They be protestin' Google's deal with the Israeli government for cloud services. Mayhaps they be wantin' to walk the plank next! Aye, the rum be flowin' tonight!
April 17, 2024, 11:45 am
Avast ye mateys! The constables have snagged a bunch of Google scallywags for raisin' a ruckus against Israel! They be demandin' the cancelin' of a lucrative contract! It be a battle of the tech titans, with Amazon in the mix! The mutiny be growin', with over 200 crew members in the "No Tech for Apartheid" group! Arrr!
April 17, 2024, 4:26 am
Arrr mateys, a band of more than 2,000 news publishers be sendin' letters to the crown's agencies, demandin' an inquiry into Google's treacherous actions! The scallywags be removin' links to our loyal California-based news outlets. 'Tis a battle over a law demandin' payment for news content! The News/Media Alliance be raisin' their voices against the mighty Google! Aye!
April 17, 2024, 4:26 am
Arr! House scoundrels on Tuesday be summoning a top matey to former National Institutes of Allergy and Infectious Diseases captain, Dr. Anthony Fauci, over his use of his private pigeon post to parley about the origins of the pox. The House Select Subcommittee be demandin' documents from Dr. David Morens' private carrier pigeon account after messages revealed he be using it for Covid-19 correspondences. Arrr, a scandal on the high seas indeed!
April 17, 2024, 4:24 am
Arrr, word be goin' 'round that Prime Minister Netanyahu be dodgin' a call from British Prime Minister Sunak. The scallywags at Kan be claimin' it true, but the Prime Minister's Office be denyin' it. Aye, the plot thickens like a good stew on a pirate ship! Arrr!
April 16, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The House Republicans be as unhappy as a parrot in a storm with Speaker Mike Johnson's foreign aid plan! Scott Perry and Jim Banks be shouting from the crow's nest about the madness of givin' more booty to Ukraine than to Israel and ignorin' our own Southern border. Aye, 'tis a tale of treachery and foolishness!
April 16, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywag Donald Trump be facin' a trial for hush money crimes! Six jurors be chosen to serve in this quest for justice. Justice Juan Merchan be keepin' a close eye on the proceedings, makin' sure all be sailin' smoothly. Ahoy, let the trial continue!
April 16, 2024, 5:24 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags! Google landlubbers, donned in Arab headscarves, raided the office of their cloud captain in California, whilst their mates staged a sit-in at the headquarters in New York City. The rebellious crew, known as "No Tech for Apartheid," took to the seas of social media to share their plunderin' antics. Aye, 'twas a sight to behold!
April 16, 2024, 5:22 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags in China be helpin' to make the deadly fentanyl that be causin' chaos in the U.S.! They be givin' incentives to their companies to make these dangerous chemicals, as long as they sell 'em overseas. Aye, the treachery knows no bounds!
April 16, 2024, 10:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! Justice Clarence Thomas be back on the bench, ready to ask questions like a seasoned pirate navigatin' the treacherous waters of law. The crew be discussin' whether to charge them scallywags with obstruction for interferin' with the official business of Congress. Aye, the legal seas be rough indeed!
April 16, 2024, 10:39 am
Arrr! Avast ye mateys! NPR be givin' poor Uri Berliner a taste of the plank for speakin' ill of the crown! The scallywag be walkin' the plank for five days without his share of the booty. 'Tis a lesson in not crossin' the powers that be, ye landlubber!
April 16, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr mateys, in the land of Georgia, the scallywags in the parliament be fightin' like dogs over a bone o'er this foreign agent bill! And the good people o' Tbilisi be standin' strong, protestin' against this tyranny! The ruling party be makin' us register like landlubbers if we take too much gold from abroad! The opponents be ready to walk the plank if this bill passes!
April 16, 2024, 5:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! Thousands o' landlubbers be raisin' a ruckus in the Georgian capital Tbilisi, demandin' the scrappin' o' a dastardly "foreign influence" bill inspired by them authoritarian laws from our scurvy neighbour, Russia. They be shoutin' "No to the Russian law!" outside parliament, wavin' flags like true pirates. Last year, the scallywags tried to pass a "foreign agents" bill, but we made 'em walk the plank! This be a fight worth sailin' for, me mateys!
April 16, 2024, 5:48 am
Arrr mateys, Georgia's parliament be like a ship in a squall on Monday! The scallywag leader of the Georgian Dream party got a taste of fisticuffs from an opposition MP while jawing about "foreign agents." The video be a treasure, showing the poor bloke toppling over like a drunken sailor. Aye, aye!
April 16, 2024, 4:08 am
Arrr, mateys! Aye, a federal agency did not reappoint a former Trump advisor to an elections advisory board after a scurvy left-wing activist group threatened to launch a public criticism campaign. Cleta Mitchell, a lawyer now at the Conservative Partnership Institute, was appointed to the Election Assistance Commission. After months of badgering, United...
April 15, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr mateys, them scallywags in the House be cookin' up a batch of bills to give them landlubbers in Iran a taste of their own medicine for messin' with Israel. The White House be pushin' for punishment, as Iran's swashbucklers fired a boatload of missiles at the Jewish state.
April 15, 2024, 5:45 pm
Avast ye mateys! A scallywag migrant be stabbin' two souls at the Texas-Mexico border when a brave laddie of the National Guard let loose a shot! The showdown went down Sunday by the Rio Grande in El Paso. Aye, 'twas a wild tale of swords and gunfire on the high seas. Arrrr!
April 15, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Trump scallywags be tryin' to make light of the issue of abortion in the land of Arizona. They be claimin' that only them Democratic landlubbers be carin' about it. But beware, me mateys! The state Supreme Court be upholdin' a ban from the 19th century!
April 15, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Israel be lettin' go of 150 scallywags they be holdin' in Gaza. Some say they be mistreated while in the brig. Two brave souls from the Palestine Red Crescent Society be locked up fer 50 days! Aye, some be so poorly they be sent to healers.
April 15, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr, me hearties! The cap'n o' Tesla, Elon Musk, be sendin' word to the crew that many a scallywag will soon be walkin' the plank! No exact numbers be given, but 'tis said at least 14,000 souls will be feelin' the sting of the cutlass. Ye best be keepin' an eye out, me mateys!
April 15, 2024, 11:49 am
Arr, me hearties! Tesla be preparin' to lay off more than 10% of its crew after a dismal first quarter of plunderin' and fierce competition in the electric vehicle seas. Cap'n Musk be sendin' a message in a bottle seekin' to cut costs and boost productivity. Ye be walkin' the plank if ye don't shape up!
April 15, 2024, 11:47 am
"Arrr mateys, after sufferin' a year-over-year decline in vehicle deliveries, Tesla be plannin' to lay off over ten percent of its scallywags. At least 14,000 of the 140,473 crew members will walk the plank. Cap'n Musk be sayin', 'I hate it, but it must be done.'"
April 15, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr mateys! The plunderin' of US retail sales be higher than expected in March, and the month afore be revised up. 'Tis proof of the hearty consumer demand that be keepin' our economy afloat like a sturdy ship on the high seas!
April 15, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr mateys, Senate Republican scallywag Kari Lake be talkin' about her views on the rumble in the tummy while tellin' her fellow Republican shipmates in Arizona to repeal an olden restriction on the matter. The battle be brewin' in this key battleground state, shakin' things up like a storm at sea.
April 15, 2024, 5:39 am
Avast ye scallywags! When Robert F. Kennedy Jr. declared Nicole Shanahan, ex-wife of Google scallywag Sergei Brin, as his shipmate for the presidency, there was much howling and tooth-gnashing from the usual suspects. Despite her own treasure trove of success, her Silicon Valley ties had the landlubbers aghast! Arrr!
April 15, 2024, 5:37 am
Arr, when I started me work as a consular officer at the US embassy in Ankara, Turkey, I thought I'd be sailin' smooth seas for 20 years. But then that scallywag Trump came along with his "Muslim ban" orders, and me routine job was thrown into chaos faster than a cannonball off the port bow!
April 15, 2024, 5:21 am
Arrr! The scurvy dogs in the House o' Republicans be plannin' a vote to aid Israel after them landlubbers in Iran launched an attack on the Jewish state! The House Majority Leader be changin' the schedule to punish Iran and show support for Israel. Avast ye, Iran!
April 14, 2024, 7:58 am
Arrr! Me hearties, word has it that former President Trump be backin' House Speaker Mike Johnson against the likes of Marjorie Taylor Greene. Aye, they be standin' side by side at Mar-a-Lago, makin' peace in the midst of a pirate's political storm. 'Tis a tangled web we weave!
April 14, 2024, 7:57 am
Avast ye mateys! The former Cap'n Trump be backin' Speaker Mike Johnson as the scallywag Marjorie Taylor Greene be causin' a ruckus. At Mar-a-Lago, Trump be sayin' the Speaker be doin' a fine job. Looks like the crew be gettin' along just fine, arrr!
April 14, 2024, 7:05 am
Arrr mateys! Israel be takin' down the scurvy dogs sent by Iran, 300 of 'em in fact! The Jewish state be showin' no fear in the face of such a vicious attack. The United States even lent a hand in the fight against these pesky drones and missiles. Aye, victory be ours!
April 14, 2024, 7:03 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that China be aidin' Russia in their war by supplyin' 'em with fancy gadgets and gizmos for their military. 'Tis a boost to Moscow's arsenal, makin' 'em more formidable in battle. Aye, 'tis a curious tale indeed!
April 13, 2024, 3:44 am
Arrr, the judge be denyin' Trump's plea for a delay in his trial! The former president be tryin' to avoid facin' the jury, claimin' the news be prejudicial. But the courts be havin' none of it, makin' Trump walk the plank on Monday! Aye, the seas be rough for this scallywag!
April 13, 2024, 3:42 am
Arr, Steve Bannon, that swashbucklin' scallywag of a right-wing media matey, be takin' a jab at the fancy shindig betwixt Trump and Johnson, callin' it "meaningless" on the cursed social media. Methinks 'tis all a bunch of hot air and bluster from those landlubber politicians!
April 13, 2024, 3:32 am
Arr matey! The former cap'n Donald Trump be standin' by House Speaker Mike Johnson as that scallywag Marjorie Taylor Greene be stirrin' up trouble. A nosy reporter asked Trump if he be supportin' Greene's plot to oust Johnson, but Trump be loyal to his matey Johnson, sayin' he be doin' a fine job. Arr, we be sailin' smoothly with the speaker at the helm!
April 13, 2024, 3:30 am
Arrr mateys, after many moons of campus mutinies o'er the war in Gaza, the universities be takin' a stand 'gainst the scallywags who break the rules. 'Twas a fine spectacle at Berkeley Law School, when a band o' students be protestin' the school's supposed funds for weapons in Gaza at the dean's own abode. The dean be warnin' any other troublemakers that they'll be walkin' the plank if they disrupt his affairs. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in the taverns!
April 12, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr, the Gulf monarchies be beggin' the US to keep their cannons quiet and not be usin' their bases for any attacks on Iran! The scallywags be workin' like mad to make sure they don't get caught up in any revenge schemes against Tehran. Savvy?
April 12, 2024, 4:39 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Trump be cryin' for Arizona to swashbuckle their abortion laws! The court be walkin' the plank with their ruling, but the mateys be flounderin' in response. Shiver me timbers, what a hullabaloo over a bit o' femal' autonomy!
April 12, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis a sight to behold! Costco be raking in the doubloons, sellin' gold bars worth $200 million a month! The silver coins be flyin' off the shelves like a cannonball from a pirate ship! Gold prices be climbin' higher than the crow's nest, settin' a new record of $2,400! Aye, 'tis a treasure worth fightin' for!
April 12, 2024, 3:04 pm
Arrr! Iran be sendin' a message to the Biden crew through Arab lands this week: If the U.S. meddles in the tussle 'twixt Israel and Iran, American forces in the region will feel the wrath, say three U.S. officials. The U.S. and Israel best be ready for Iran's revenge for the slayin' o' their general in Damascus. The Iranian leader be warnin'...
April 12, 2024, 11:27 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Thar be a new flick called 'Civil War' that'll shiver yer timbers! American chaos be runnin' wild in Manhattan and Pittsburgh, with a hint of sex appeal to boot. This Alex Garland masterpiece be a real jaw-dropper, like 'Apocalypse Now' meetin' TikTok! Aye, A24 be pullin' out all the stops with this beauty. Set sail for the cinema, me mateys, and prepare to be amazed by the swashbucklin' adventures of Kirsten Dunst as a badass photographer! Arrr!
April 12, 2024, 11:23 am
Arr, me hearties! Catherine Herridge, the fearless journalist from CBS News, bravely faced a House Judiciary subcommittee to fight for press freedoms and the Press Act law. She be a scallywag who stood her ground, even when faced with contempt of court and the dreaded cutlass of unemployment. Judge Cooper be a villain who imposed a fine of $... upon her. Aye, tis a tale of high seas and treacherous waters for this journalist!
April 12, 2024, 11:22 am
"Arrr, ye scurvy knaves at CBS thought they could silence me by takin' me files and lockin' me out of me office! But they be mistaken, for this old sea dog won't go down without a fight! Shiver me timbers, the gall of these landlubbers!"
April 12, 2024, 11:22 am
Former wench of CBS News and Fox News, Catherine Herridge, did speaketh on Thursday about the nefarious act of 'journalistic rape' by CBS. They did seize her papers upon her dismissal, locking her out of her emails and the office. Aye, 'twas a scurvy move by the network of Walter.
April 12, 2024, 5:54 am
Arrr matey! The United States be sendin' its top commander to the Middle East to stand by Israel in case them scallywags from Iran try any funny business. Iran be talkin' big, but Israel be ready to give 'em a taste of their own medicine. Avast!
April 11, 2024, 8:01 pm
Arrr, me hearties! In late 2023, America be sailin' towards an economic fairy-tale endin'. But 2024 be throwin' us a curveball! The economy be growin' faster than a pirate grabbin' treasure, jobs be poppin' up like hidden booty, and inflation be playin' tricks on us. Aye, a different conclusion be on the horizon!
April 11, 2024, 7:55 pm
Arrr mateys, the Federal Reserve be takin' a hit from a firmer-than-expected inflation report! It be makin' it harder for them to bring about a soft landin' by lowerin' interest rates. With solid hirin' and inflation creepin' closer to 3%, the Fed be in a spot o' trouble!
April 11, 2024, 7:52 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Cap'n Joe Biden be holdin' firm to his word that the Federal Reserve will be slicin' interest rates afore the year's end. He be stickin' to his guns even in the face of a pesky Consumer Price Index report. Avast ye, rate cut be comin'!
April 11, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr mateys! NPR be in a heap o' trouble this week as they be facin' a mutiny from within and a barrage o' attacks from them prominent conservatives. A senior editor be spillin' the beans, claimin' that liberal bias be tarnishin' their trust with the audience. What a scallywag!
April 11, 2024, 4:56 pm
Whilst scouring the digital seas for loot to please her kin, LaTonya Mullins-Mobley chanced upon an ad for Temu, a Chinese marketplace of grand discounts. Astounded by the bargains, she now jests that she be in cahoots with the app, purchasing treasures for her offspring and even starting a sunglass enterprise.
April 11, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrr, FBI director Christopher Wray be cryin' like a landlubber about Mexico's lack o' support in keepin' out them treacherous cartels and deadly drugs! The scallywag be beggin' for more cooperation, sayin' we need "much, much more" help from the south. Aye, 'tis a rough sea we be sailin' on, me hearties!
April 11, 2024, 4:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be chargin' us a fortune for insurin' our trusty vessels! 'Tis causin' inflation to soar like a seagull on a stiff breeze. Beware, ye car owners! The costs be risin' faster than a cannonball fired from a pirate ship! Aye, the plunder be costly indeed!
April 11, 2024, 10:01 am
Arrgh! FBI Captain Christopher Wray be tellin' Congress of his fears o' scurvy dogs plannin' attacks on American soil. These rascals be gettin' ideas from overseas mischief! But mark me words, we be keepin' a weather eye on 'em, savvy?
April 11, 2024, 9:57 am
Avast ye scallywags! The FBI be worried about a dastardly attack on American shores, like the one that sent scores to Davy Jones' locker at a Russian concert hall. Christopher Wray himself be spewing tales of heightened threats to our safety and security. Aye, the seas be treacherous indeed! Arrr!
April 11, 2024, 9:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! The FBI Director be squawkin' 'bout a right fierce threat to our safety and security! He be askin' for more gold to fight off these scurvy dogs. Aye, 'tis a perilous time we be livin' in, mateys! Aye, pass the rum!
April 11, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr mateys! Ye scallywag O.J. Simpson, known fer his infamous trial in the '90s, has shuffled off this mortal coil after a fierce battle with the scurvy known as cancer. The former NFL swashbuckler departed this world in Las Vegas on Wednesday, as confirmed by his kin. Fair winds and following seas, O.J.!
April 10, 2024, 5:37 pm
Avast ye mateys! Fer the third day in a row, a New York appeals court hath denied former President Trump's scallywag lawyers' request to delay his upcoming hush money trial. This be yet another legal blow to Trump, increasing the chances that the trial will commence on April 15 as planned. Arrr! Trump be pleading not guilty to 34 felony counts, accused of swindling and falsifying records to hide payments to an adult film star. Aye, the plot thickens!
April 10, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr! Methinks David Bellavia be a brave soul, bein' awarded the Medal of Honor fer his valor in battle. But now, he be callin' out President Biden on his foreign policy in the Middle East! Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we be sailin', with anti-Israel scallywags callin' fer complete annihilation!
April 10, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Bloomberg be cryin' out: "US futures be takin' a plunge as core CPI be risin' higher than expected!" Aye, 'tis true. But let's not be forgettin' the common folk sufferin' from this cursed inflation. The Washington Post be warnin' us all of the troubles ahead. Aye, buckle up, me mateys!
April 10, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, mateys! The NHS be takin' a closer look at all the transgender medical treatments, for the evidence be as weak as a scurvy dog's bones! Dr. Cass, a savvy pediatrician, be soundin' the alarm on this matter. Aye, the truth be revealin' itself, me hearties!
April 10, 2024, 9:24 am
Arrr! Ye scurvy dog, Allen Weisselberg, former financial chief of Trump's ship, be sentenced to five months in the brig for tellin' lies during the captain's fraud trial. With naught but a black jacket and blue trousers, he be taken away in chains by the court's crew. Aye, a sad day indeed!
April 10, 2024, 9:22 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis be a tale of Allen Weisselberg, the scallywag who be caught in a web o' lies 'bout Trump's treasure! Sentenced to a stay in the brig for his deceit, he be lookin' to bury this mess and sail away free. Aye, justice be served!
April 10, 2024, 9:21 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dog Allen Weisselberg hath been sentenced to five moons in the brig for his deceitful ways regarding the gold of Donald Trump. Judge Laurie Peterson hath spoken, and the punishment be as foretold. Walk the plank, ye knave!
April 10, 2024, 8:24 am
Avast ye mateys! Methinks this Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu be makin' a blunder in his war plan in Gaza, says the scallywag Joe Biden. Arrr, I don't be agreein' with his approach, says the bloke to Univision. Israel's bombin' be called "indiscriminate" and their actions be "over the plank!"
April 10, 2024, 5:29 am
Avast ye scallywags! Listen up, for when the meatpacking behemoth, Tyson Foods, declared their wicked plans to close the pork plant in Perry, Iowa and cast off all 1,200 souls, it shed light on a sneaky scheme by big, fancy corporations to keep a tight grip on wages. Arrr, tis a treacherous sea we sail upon, me hearties! The very same day they made this vile proclamation, Bloomberg News reported...
April 9, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr matey, the loot be growin' slower than a snail's pace under President Biden's watch. But fear not me hearties, for in the past year, our treasure be outpacin' the dreaded inflation beast! The White House be cheerin' as Biden sets sail for a second term. Inflation be down two-thirds and our booty be on the rise, yarrrr!
April 9, 2024, 5:34 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Democratic Attorney General Kristin Mayes of Arizona be sayin' she won't be followin' the supreme court's ruling on them abortion laws from 1864. It be a right old mess, with laws changin' faster than a ship in a storm. Aye, there be no end to the shenanigans on the legal seas!
April 9, 2024, 5:32 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A salty sea dog of NPR be cryin' foul, sayin' the ship be adrift on a sea of madness! He be talkin' 'bout transgender pirates and denyin' the truth of biological booty. Arrr, the times be a-changin' at NPR, me hearties!
April 9, 2024, 5:31 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A lad from Idaho, just 18 years of age, hath been caught plottin' to raid local churches in the name of ISIS! The scallywag, Alexander Scott Mercurio, be charged with supportin' those blimey terrorists. He was nabbed the day before he meant to strike in Coeur d’Alene. Arrr!
April 9, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr mateys, listen ye well! The scurvy dogs runnin' these chemical plants must now be keepin' a closer eye on their toxic pollutants, else face the wrath of the Biden administration! Aye, 'tis to protect the landlubbers from cancer near these foul industrial sites. The Environmental Protection Agency be crackin' down on them scallywags, specifically targetin' ethylene. 'Tis been two decades since such restrictions were last imposed. May the sea gods help those who fail to comply!
April 9, 2024, 11:32 am
Arr, me hearties! The confidence o' small businesses be at its lowest in over 11 years this March. The scallywags be worried 'bout inflation still plaguin' us. Even though other signs show it bein' less o' a scurvy dog, the National Federation o' Independent Business be reportin' a lowly score o' 88.5. A quarter o' the crew be sayin' that the risin' costs be the biggest problem. Aye, a tough time indeed for us mateys!
April 9, 2024, 11:21 am
Avast ye scallywags! Hamas be havin' none o' that Israeli ceasefire proposal, says a senior scallywag. Netanyahu be settin' sail for Rafah, Gaza's last haven for poor souls. Teams from Israel and Hamas be meetin' in Egypt, with meddlin' Qatari and Egyptian swashbucklers, and even the CIA be stickin' its nose in. The pressure be risin' for a deal, arrr!
April 9, 2024, 11:17 am
Arrr mateys, Chipsmith Arm be known for makin' phones last longer with less power. Now, Cap'n Haas be sayin' we need that same magic for our AI machines! Aye, the U.S. and Japan be coughin' up $110 million for AI research, and Arm and SoftBank be sailin' with 'em.
April 8, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arr, me hearties! Donald Trump be talkin' about abortion and IVF like a scallywag! He be sayin' it be a state issue, but also supportin' IVF. Methinks he be talkin' in circles like a landlubber lost at sea. Aye, the law of the state be a mighty confusing thing, mateys!
April 8, 2024, 5:38 pm
Arrr mateys! The White House be mighty upset with them scallywags chantin' "death to America" at a rally in Dearborn! Tarek Bazzi be dishin' out insults like a landlubber. America be one of the "rottenest countries" ever? That be like callin' Blackbeard a gentle soul! Aye, the White House be havin' none of it!
April 8, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr mateys! Listen up ye scallywags! Mayo Clinic scallywags be sayin' that lads tryin' puberty blockers may end up with shrunken treasures and trouble makin' wee ones. These scurvy dogs be castin' doubt on the idea that ye can reverse the effects. Beware the dangers of messin' with yer manhood, ye landlubbers!
April 8, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arr matey! The scurvy dog Trump be tryin' to dodge his trial like a sneaky pirate! He be suin' the judge and beggin' for a change of location! Aye, he be wantin' to dismiss the gag order too! But beware, for the law be catchin' up to him for falsifyin' records! Aye, a likely pirate's tale indeed!
April 8, 2024, 11:47 am
Arrr, mateys! Beware those treacherous glasses for the solar eclipse! Amazon be sendin' word that they be not safe for viewin' the celestial show. Ye best be keepin' yer peepers protected, lest ye be seein' more than just the eclipse! Aye, 'tis a pirate's life for me!
April 8, 2024, 11:05 am
Arrr mateys, the Biden scallywags be settin' sail to give a bounty o' gold to the Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Company to build fancy chip factories in the U.S. Aye, 'tis a grand move to bring back the tech treasure to our shores! Yarr, the seas be shiverin' with excitement!
April 8, 2024, 11:03 am
Arrr, me hearties! Former Marvel scallywag Jonathan Majors be walkin' the plank after bein' called out by his former flame, the dancer Grace Jabbari, for bein' a remorseless scallywag who assaulted her in a Manhattan carriage. Jabbari, wearin' a pink suit, be warnin' that this scoundrel be not sorry and will strike again! Aye, me thinks this sea dog be needin' to walk the plank for his misdeeds!
April 8, 2024, 10:40 am
Arrr, the U.S. Federal Reserve be holdin' steady on the interest rates, mateys! Some scurvy economists be sayin' a summer cut be out of the question. The jobs report be showin' the strong labor market, so the Fed be treadin' lightly. Keep a weather eye on the consumer price index, me hearties!
April 8, 2024, 5:19 am
Arrr mateys! In the past century, many a fast-food chain hath risen from the depths, offerin' cheap grub and a jolly good time. But alas, as tastes be changin', some scallywags fail to keep up with the times. Bad decisions can send a brand to Davy Jones' locker. Even once mighty ships like Burger Chef and Lum's can sink into obscurity, only to resurface like a ghost ship in the night. Yarrr!
April 8, 2024, 5:17 am
Arrr mateys! The President, Joe Biden, be settin' sail on Monday to announce a grand new plan to forgive student loans! Tis a treasure worth millions for us landlubbers. Gather 'round in Madison, Wisconsin to hear the details of this aid package. Last year, the Supreme Court scuppered his first plan, but now he's back with a cunning Plan B to make it happen. Ahoy, me hearties!
April 8, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr mateys, dozens of scallywag Democrats be followin' President Biden's lead and arguin' against supportin' Israel after a parley with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu. They be callin' to cease sendin' weapons to Israel after a strike that sent seven souls to Davy Jones' locker. 'Tis a mutiny led by Nancy Pelosi, aye!
April 8, 2024, 5:15 am
Arrr mateys, the leader o' the U.N.'s atomic watchdog be scoldin' them scurvy dogs who be firin' drones at the nuclear reactors in Ukrainian waters. Such reckless actions be raisin' the chances of a catastrophic nuclear disaster. Three direct hits on Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant be confirmed, aye, this be a treacherous deed that must not be repeated!
April 7, 2024, 3:15 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis said that Donald Trump's crew be gatherin' a grand booty o' $50.5 million at a fundraiser in Florida! Aye, they be tryin' t'close the gap with President Joe Biden's crew and the Democrats. 'Twas a haul that be leavin' Biden's $26 million in the dust! Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in the high seas!
April 7, 2024, 3:13 pm
Arr mateys, the great Donald Trump be haulin' in a treasure trove of $50.5 million at a grand fundraiser in Florida! Aye, it be the biggest haul yet for the former president as he gears up for a rematch against that scurvy dog Joe Biden. The seas be rough for Trump with his coffers runnin' low, but this windfall be a welcome sight indeed!
April 7, 2024, 3:10 pm
"Arrr mateys! The former Cap'n Trump's crew be claimin' they plundered over $50 million at a grand GOP gathering in Palm Beach! Aye, 'tis more gold than three democrat presidents put together! 'Tis a tale that'll be sung in taverns fer ages!"
April 7, 2024, 12:24 pm
"Avast ye scallywags! This Venezuelan scoundrel, a 'migrant influencer' on TikTok, now be cryin' like a bilge rat in jail. He misses the sweet freedom he once had in the US! What a tale of woe! The poor soul claims 'persecution' like a true landlubber. Ye reap what ye sow, matey!"
April 7, 2024, 11:48 am
Arrr, me hearties! House Intelligence Committee Cap'n Mike Turner be callin' out his fellow GOP shipmates for fallin' fer Russian propaganda like landlubbers! The scallywag be warnin' us that the enemy's lies be spreadin' like scurvy on a ship. Shiver me timbers!
April 7, 2024, 11:42 am
Arrr mateys, 'tis a tale of political shenanigans on the high seas! Populist Peter Pellegrini be takin' the helm as president of Slovakia, ousting the liberal Zuzana Caputova. With his victory over Ivan Korčok, he be sailin' the ship with a dovish eye towards Russia. Avast, Slovakia be under the control of Mr Fico and his scallywags, makin' 'em Ukraine's staunchest mateys. Arrr, the winds of change be blowin' in Slovakia!
April 7, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, the Israeli scallywags be claimin' they be sendin' their ground troops back to the ship after their long plunderin' in Gaza. The future of their siege be uncertain as they face pressure from the Yanks to lessen the harm. Let's hope they be findin' some rum to recuperate!
April 6, 2024, 9:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. be mighty disturbed by the weaponization of government against Trump! If elected, he be swearin' to appoint a special counsel to sniff out any political tomfoolery related to the Capitol riot. Aye, he be settin' the record straight on January 6!
April 6, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be sailin' through stormy seas, claimin' the Democrats and Republicans be equally guilty of stirrin' up trouble over the Capitol attack. The scallywags be playin' their games while America be torn apart. Aye, 'tis a treacherous time we live in, me hearties!
April 6, 2024, 9:49 am
Arrr mateys! Methinks this Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be talkin' like a scallywag 'bout them rioters at th' Capitol! He be suggestin' they be persecuted fer political reasons, joinin' forces with that scurvy dog Trump! What next, walkin' th' plank fer raisin' funds fer th' rioters? Aye, 'tis a strange world we live in!
April 6, 2024, 7:21 am
Arrr, when NATO's scallywags gather this summer to hoist their flag for the 75th year of their military brotherhood, the last thing they be wishin' to spy be a mighty Russian fleet marchin' across Ukraine! What Ukraine be yearnin' for be a spot in NATO's crew, but they won't be gettin' a seat at the table in July, mateys! NATO be too full up to take on a new ship in these troubled waters, aye!
April 6, 2024, 6:23 am
Arrr, mateys! The United States be on tenterhooks, expectin' a possible raid from Iran aimed at Israeli or American valuables in the region! Keep a weather eye open, for trouble be brewin' in these waters, with Iran seekin' retribution for a scuffle in Syria! Avast, ye be warned!
April 6, 2024, 5:53 am
Arr, President Joe Biden be tellin' Egypt and Qatar to use their powers to make Hamas agree to a deal with Israel for the hostages. His matey, Jake Sullivan, be meetin' with the families of the captives, while the CIA be sendin' William Burns to Cairo to parley with the top officials. Arr, let's hope they can free the prisoners afore it be too late!
April 6, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr mateys, these microschools be all the rage since the plague hit the land! Like a one-room school ship, with a measly 16 scallywags aboard. Some say they be freedom, but others be doubting their worth. We know not how many be sailin' these tiny vessels...arrr!
April 6, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr mateys, when the Food and Drug Administration gathered its band of advisers to pass judgment on a heart contraption by Abbott, they failed to mention that most of 'em were pocketing gold from the very same company! One scallywag even raked in nearly $200,000 in booty from Abbott, says the Department of Health and Human Services database. Aye, a fine crew of swindlers indeed!
April 5, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! The scallywags at the Consumer Product Safety Commission be warnin' ye about 8.4 million bags o' laundry pods that ain't safe for yer little buccaneers. If ye bought Tide Pods or other cursed brands, beware - they be a danger to yer wee ones. Aye, avoid them like a cursed treasure!
April 5, 2024, 4:46 pm
Arrr me hearties! It be a sad day for all ye scallywags and landlubbers as all 371 treasure troves of the 99 Cents Only stores be closin' down. Blamin' it on the cursed inflationary pressures, the scurvy executives be makin' the difficult decision. Time to pillage the liquidation sales, me mateys, before the lowest price be no more! Aye, 'tis a bitter end to this grand adventure.
April 5, 2024, 4:44 pm
Arrr mateys, this scallywag Elon Musk be cryin' foul at those scurvy dogs at Reuters! They be claimin' Tesla be ditchin' their plans for cheap electric carriages for robo-taxis. But fear not, me hearties, for Tesla be bouncin' back from this blow like a cork in a stormy sea!
April 5, 2024, 4:43 pm
Arr mateys! The U.S. CDC be soundin' the alarm on a scurvy case o' avian influenza! A farm hand from Texas be catchin' it from them dairy cows - aye, ye heard right, cows! 'Tis the second case of the dreaded bird flu in the States, arr! Avast, beware the feathered fiends!
April 5, 2024, 10:32 am
Avast ye! A rumble of the earth shook the land from five boroughs to New Jersey, causing chaos and mayhem among the landlubbers. The likes of Schenectady, Connecticut, and Pennsylvania felt the wrath of Mother Nature as she knocked over figurines and rattled household fixtures. The USGS reported a magnitude of 4.7 near Lebanon, New Jersey. The brave lads of the FDNY sprang into action to quell the panic that ensued.
April 5, 2024, 9:44 am
Avast ye scallywags! There be a tale unfoldin' of journalistic shenanigans so scandalous it would make Blackbeard blush! Carl Cannon, the chief of the Washington bureau for RealClearPolitics, hath fired a shot across the bow of the New York Times. 'Tis a showdown of epic proportions, me hearties!
April 5, 2024, 9:31 am
Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that jobs be multiplyin' like rum bottles in January! The labor market be as strong as a pirate ship in a storm, despite interest rates and pesky inflation. Employers be addin' 303,000 jobs, makin' them economists walk the plank with their measly 200,000 forecast. Unemployment be droppin' to 3.8%, makin' the Federal Reserve keepin' a keen eye on the horizon for any signs of trouble. Aye, the job market be sailin' smooth seas, me hearties!
April 5, 2024, 9:28 am
Arrr mateys, in March, the creation of jobs be surpassin' all expectations, showin' the labor market be thrivin' and hearty. Nonfarm payrolls be risin' by 303,000, higher than what the Dow Jones scallywags had predicted. The unemployment rate be droppin' to 3.8%, aye, a good sign indeed. Arrr!
April 4, 2024, 8:12 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Me hearty Jack Smith be in quite a tizzy over Judge Cannon's decree about jury instructions in the case against that scoundrel Trump. Stay tuned for more in me weekend column, where I'll spin a tale worth its weight in gold doubloons! Arrr!
April 4, 2024, 7:45 pm
Arrr, President Joe Biden be welcomin' NATO's 75th anniversary like a jolly ol' pirate greetin' new crewmates! Sweden be joinin' the party, while Ukraine be waitin' for an invite like a parrot squawkin' for a cracker. Biden be cheerin' on Finland and Sweden like a captain protectin' his treasure. Aye, this be the mightiest alliance on the seven seas!"
April 4, 2024, 7:42 pm
Arrr, NATO be celebratin' 75 years of collective defense 'cross Europe and North America. The top diplomats be swearin' to stick to their guns in Ukraine as them Russian scallywags strut their stuff on the battlefield. The alliance be thinkin' 'bout givin' Ukraine more long-term support. In a bold move, Ukraine be recruitin' younger lads to fill their ranks. Aye, 'tis a fine mess we be in!
April 4, 2024, 7:38 pm
Arr mateys! NATO scallywags gathered in Brussels on Thursday to chat about Russia's invasion of Ukraine. 'Tis the biggest attack on Europe since the days of Blackbeard! They be talkin' about helpin' Kyiv with more guns and cannons. Let's hope they send some cannons and not just empty promises!
April 3, 2024, 5:53 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywags known as Democrats be squawking like parrots about Nebraska, as the likes of Gov. Jim Pillen and former President Trump be aimin' to make all the electoral votes go to the swashbuckler who wins the whole shebang. Pillen has hoisted the Jolly Roger and set sail with the conservative crew to change the way votes be divvied up. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin'!
April 3, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a sad tale of woe and despair in the land of venture funding. The treasuries be dry, the coffers be empty, and the seas be rough for those seekin' coin for their grand adventures. 'Tis a tough time for us swashbucklers, indeed!
April 3, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr me hearties! American swashbucklers who swapped ships in March be seein' their treasures grow, as companies be offerin' more booty to lure 'em in. Aye, the labor market be overflowin' with jobs, and them brave souls lookin' for work be findin' riches awaitin' 'em.
April 3, 2024, 5:48 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The White House be raisin' a hullabaloo 'bout movin' the U.S.-led group o' weapon deliverin' for Ukraine under the command o' NATO. John Kirby be doubting the notion o' steppin' aside from leadin' the Ramstein Group, a gatherin' o' 50-plus nations plannin' deliveries for Ukraine. 'Tis a grander affair than NATO, includin' nations from far 'n wide, even in the Indo-Pacific! Arrr!
April 3, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr, the Israeli scallywags be causin' a ruckus again! They be takin' out seven aid workers in Gaza, makin' ol' President Biden walk the plank with his tricky politics. The World Central Kitchen workers be caught in the crossfire, makin' the progressive Democrats holler for a ceasefire and to cut off the gold flow to Israel. Biden be sailin' through rough waters indeed...arrr!
April 3, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, mateys! Disney be callin' the scallywag investors "disruptive and destructive," while the rebels be callin' Disney "stupid" and mockin' their fancy turnaround as a mere tale! Who be winnin' this battle of wits and wills on the high seas? Yarrr!
April 3, 2024, 8:29 am
Arrr, mateys! Eman Abusaeid be a brave lass, tryin' to protect her wee ones in Gaza from them Israeli scallywags and their bombin'. With bodies bein' unearthed from the ruins, she be doin' her best to keep her young'uns safe from the horrors of war. Aye, 'twas a perilous time indeed!
April 3, 2024, 8:27 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Hamas-run health ministry be spoutin' off about casualties in Gaza, but their numbers be as reliable as a leaky ship. They lump all the blame on Israel, even when it be their own misfired rockets doin' the damage. Aye, 'tis a bloody mess on the high seas of war!
April 3, 2024, 4:07 am
Arr, me hearties! The land lubbers in four states did cast their votes for their chosen presidential candidates, but 'twas all for show as Biden and Trump already be havin' their nominations in the bag. Aye, 'twas no shocker that they be winnin' in Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, and Wisconsin. Onward to the party conventions we sail!
April 3, 2024, 4:06 am
Arrr mateys, Donald Trump be takin' a mighty blow in the primary votes! His ship be leakin' with thousands of scallywags refusin' to vote for him. But fear not, for he be still sailin' towards the 2024 election horizon, with all the other scallywags droppin' like flies from the race. Yarrr, dissent be brewin' among moderate Republicans and supporters of rivals like Nikki Haley, but Trump be holdin' strong like a barnacle on a ship's hull!
April 3, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Wisconsin be makin' their way to the polls to cast their votes in the presidential race of 2024. Biden and Trump be sailin' smooth seas with no challengers in sight. But some scallywags be votin' "uncommitted" or "uninstructed" like a confused parrot! Aye, the political waters be full of surprises.
April 3, 2024, 3:54 am
Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers from Wisconsin be squawking 'bout their opposition to President Biden's dealings with the Israel-Hamas scuffle! They be tellin' Democrats to mark the "uninstructed delegation" on their ballots. Ye must use yer vote as yer voice, says Heba Mohammad of Listen to Wisconsin. It be a fierce battle on the political seas!
April 2, 2024, 4:10 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The House Republicans be stirrin' up a storm with their inquiries into the Department of Justice's treatment of whistleblowers. They be demandin' answers from the likes of Attorney General Garland and Special Counsel Wiess. 'Tis a tale of intrigue fit for a swashbucklin' adventure on the high seas!
April 2, 2024, 4:08 pm
The scallywag, Donald Trump, set sail for Grand Rapids on Tuesday to parley with lawmen and Republican scallywags. He spun a yarn about the murder of Ruby Garcia by a bilge rat illegal immigrant. Trump boasted of deporting the scallywag before he wriggled back into the land of the free.
April 2, 2024, 4:06 pm
Arrr mateys! The likes of New York City, Denver, and Chicago be in desperate need of bilingual education teachers for the young scallywags of migrants. But beware! Bilingual ed be a treacherous sea, leading many a young lad to a fate of failure and poverty. Give 'em English or walk the plank!
April 2, 2024, 4:04 pm
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dogs be attackin' the good souls of World Central Kitchen in Gaza! This be no jolly jest, but a grim reminder of the dangers faced by those who bring grub to the needy in treacherous lands. Let us raise a toast to these brave souls and hope their voyage continues safely.
April 2, 2024, 11:03 am
"Avast ye scallywags! The Democrats be in a frenzy as their ship, President Biden's chances, be sinkin' fast! They be sendin' off poor Justice Sotomayor like a scurvy dog walkin' the plank. Leftist sea dogs be callin' for her retirement, admittin' defeat before the battle even starts! Arrr!"
April 2, 2024, 11:01 am
Me hearty Jon Stewart be keelhauled by Apple, who be tellin' him not to interview Lina Khan on his podcast. Arrr, they be scurvy dogs! His show be endin' before its time, aye. Apple be walkin' the plank for tryin' to silence the laughter!
April 2, 2024, 10:45 am
Arrr, no one be pleased with these delivery apps, mateys! Customers be feelin' robbed by all them fees, restaurants be feelin' plundered by the commission taken from 'em, and delivery workers be gettin' a mere pittance for a dangerous job. 'Tis a seafaring scandal, I tell ye!
April 2, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr me mateys! The Dow Jones be fallin' for a second day, scurvy dogs! Wall Street be havin' a lackluster start to the quarter, as bond yields be increasin' and traders be lowerin' their expectations o' the Federal Reserve cuttin' interest rates in June. The 30-stock Dow be droppin' 420 points, or 1.1%! At its lowest point, the benchmark be down more than 500 points. The S&P 500 be slidin' 0.9%, and the Nasdaq Composite be sheddin' 1.2%. 'Tis a rough start to the second quarter for stocks, me hearties!
April 2, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! The scallywags be sayin' President Biden be winnin' the California primary, but there be trouble brewin'. Many a voter be skippin' out on castin' their ballots for the old sea dog. Looks like the winds be changin' for ol' Biden! Aye, the seas be rough ahead for him.
April 2, 2024, 4:23 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in California be walkin' the plank with this new law! Fast-food workers be earnin' a booty of $20 an hour, but only if their ship has 60 or more locations across the seven seas. No need to walk the plank if ye be makin' yer own bread, mateys! Governor Newsom be signin' the decree, makin' a Fast Food Council to set sail on future pay increases. Fair winds and full sails to all!
April 1, 2024, 5:35 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Cardinal Wilton Gregory be giving President Joe Biden a right scolding on Sunday, callin' him a "cafeteria Catholic" for pickin' and choosin' which doctrines to believe in. The president's support for abortion rights and transgender visibility be raisin' some eyebrows in the Church. Biden, the second Catholic president after John F. Kennedy, be pushin' for things like expanded abortion rights and gay marriage that don't sit well with the Church. Cardinal Gregory be...
April 1, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Majority Leader Chuck Schumer be swearin' on Monday that the Senate be weighin' their options after a cursed federal court in Texas be rejectin' guidance against the practice of judge shoppin'. The scallywags be keepin' the odious practice alive, much to our chagrin!
April 1, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr mateys, ye be hearin' that the scallywags at the White House be callin' this squattin' trend a "local issue"! Aye, they be passin' the buck like a hot potato. But fear not, for the local governments be takin' care of these landlubbers! Aye, let's hope they make 'em walk the plank!
April 1, 2024, 5:23 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag in question didst crash his ship into the FBI's gate like a drunken sailor on a bender! Luckily, no harm was done, and the poor soul was handed over to the local constabulary for a proper check-up. Avast, what a tale for the tavern!
April 1, 2024, 11:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! OpenAI be claimin' they've got a tool that can make ye sound like a scallywag with just 15 seconds o' yer voice! But they be keepin' it under lock and key, fearin' it'll be used fer mischief in the next election. Beware the Voice Engine, me mateys! Arrr!
April 1, 2024, 11:28 am
Arrr mateys, Google be plannin' to scuttle a treasure trove o' data that be reflectin' the web-browsin' histories o' millions o' scallywags. 'Tis part o' a settlement o' a lawsuit that claimed the company be trackin' users without their knowledge. Aye, they be in hot water for their sneaky ways!
April 1, 2024, 11:26 am
Arr mateys, the resurgence of grand power rivalries be makin' nations scurry like scallywags! From Europe to the Far East, the winds of change be blowin' strong. Keep a weather eye on Sweden and Japan, me hearties, as they brace themselves against the likes of Russia and China! Arrr!
April 1, 2024, 11:25 am
Avast ye! Did ye spy the video of a MAGA ship on wheels, sailin' down a treacherous road in Long Island? The truck be draped in fascist flags, but what caught the eye was Joe Biden, tied up like a scallywag! The driver be dreamin' of hog-tyin' that landlubber! Arrr!
March 31, 2024, 5:00 am
Arr mateys! The scallywags have taken the first piece of the fallen Francis Scott Key Bridge from the Patapsco River to open the Port of Baltimore. They sawed off the steel frame and ferried it on a barge to the Bethlehem Steel Mill. Gov. Wes Moore gave an update during a press.
March 31, 2024, 4:54 am
Arr, Pope Francis be celebratin' Easter Mass with a sea of Catholics at Saint Peter's Square in Vatican City. The old sea dog arrived in his wheeled ship to bless the crowd in the cloudy weather. Mayhaps he be needin' some grog to cure his ailing health. Aye, let's see what blessings he be bestowin' upon the masses.
March 31, 2024, 4:52 am
Avast, me hearties! The Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, be sendin' his loyal aide, Serhiy Shefir, packin' from his post like a scurvy landlubber walkin' the plank! Russia be causin' chaos with new attacks, but Zelenskyy be makin' changes faster than a pirate on the high seas! Arrr!
March 31, 2024, 4:41 am
Arrr mateys, them scallywags be squawking about President Joe Biden's mix-up of Easter Sunday with the Transgender Day of Visibility! 'Twas only a fluke this year, ye see. But those landlubbers be making a fuss over nuthin'! Let's raise a toast to celebrate all genders, savvy?
March 30, 2024, 1:10 pm
Arr matey, the scallywags and landlubbers be chattin' about the young whipper-snappers and their cursed smartphones and social media. The TikTok "ban" be gettin' all the attention, with politicians like Gov. Ron DeSantis makin' it illegal for wee ones to have social media accounts. Blame it on the iPhones, says I!
March 30, 2024, 1:09 pm
Avast ye mateys! The Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis, hath decreed a new law that bans wee ones under 14 from havin' social-media accounts, arrr! No more spyin' on the likes of Facebook or Twitter for the young scallywags! Ye must be a proper pirate before ye can set sail on the digital seas, fair warning!
March 30, 2024, 1:08 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! Picture this: a company be churning out a newfangled contraption, not for wee bairns, but for scallywags in their prime. 'Twas a hit amongst the youth, so much so that they be forsaking all social graces to play with it. The cursed thing be none other than the smartphone! Arrr, the tale of...
March 30, 2024, 12:17 pm
Arrr mateys, the scurvy dogs in the Biden crew be sneakily allowin' the transfer of a treasure trove of bombs and fighter jets to Israel, worryin' 'bout a fierce battle in Gaza. The loot be includin' over 1,800 MK84 2,000-pound bombs and 500 MK82 500-pound bombs, aye! Aye, they be preparin' for war on the high seas!
March 30, 2024, 11:30 am
Avast ye landlubbers! The Cap'n Biden hath declared March 31 as Transgender Day o' Visibility. Join us in celebratin' the lives and voices o' all our transgender mates. Aye, 'tis a grand day indeed to be seen and heard!
March 30, 2024, 4:50 am
Avast ye mateys, be ye ready for the long awaited restart of the American nuclear age? The federal government be shelling out $1.5 billion to revive a plant in Michigan. The lunatic greens be ready to storm the White House, but it be happening nonetheless. Aye, the nuclear pirates be back in business! Arrr!
March 30, 2024, 4:49 am
Arrr, mateys! The latest news be sayin' that landlubbers be wantin' the Biden crew to hire more border patrol scallywags and judges to deal with all them migrants at the U.S.-Mexico border. Looks like the majority be in favor of tightenin' security to keep out unwanted visitors. Aye, it be a sticky situation indeed!
March 30, 2024, 4:47 am
Arrr, the foreign minister of Russia be cryin' foul against Armenia, me hearties! Accusin' 'em of twistin' history to end their alliance with Moscow. Armenia be throwin' shade at Russia, sayin' they be freezin' their involvement in the CSTO. Aye, tis' a battle of wits on the high seas!
March 30, 2024, 4:45 am
Arrr matey, that scallywag Venezuelan influencer who be tellin' folks to squat in homes be caught by ICE! Leonel Moreno be in the brig o' the feds now, arrr! The seas be rough for this landlubber, caught in Gahanna, Ohio. Ice be chillin' his plans, aye!
March 29, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dog Wes Moore be addin' a DEI consultant to the Maryland Port Commission, and now a ship be crashin' into the bridge! The supply chain be in peril, and the authorities must act swiftly to fix this mess. Karenthia Barber be in charge, let's hope she can save the day! Arrr!
March 29, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys, the scallywags be causin' a ruckus at President Biden's fancy shindig! They be shoutin' curses and accusin' him of makin' a mess of the Israel-Hamas rumble. Looks like ol' Joe might be walkin' the plank come reelection time!
March 29, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys! President Joe Biden be givin' the ol' heave ho to the U.S. Railroad Retirement Board inspector general, Martin Dickman, for makin' the workplace a bit too hostile. Dickman had been sailin' in that position since '94, but now he's walkin' the plank. Avast, the Council of the Inspectors General be investigatin' his scallywag ways since '23. Biden be readin' the report and sayin' "Off with his head!" Aye, the seas be rough for ol' Dickman now.
March 29, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Aye, word has it that the measles be spreadin' like wildfire in Chicago, with 52 confirmed cases now on the loose! 'Tis said that the outbreak be linked to a mighty migrant shelter, where wee ones under 5 be fallin' victim to the cursed disease. Arrr, 'tis a dire situation indeed!
March 29, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, NBC be walkin' the plank for cuttin' ties with Ronna McDaniel, a former Republican bigwig. The scallywags at the network be gettin' an earful from their own crew for droppin' her like a hot potato. Aye, the seas be rough for NBC!
March 29, 2024, 11:33 am
Arr matey, ye best be packin' a lot o' patience if ye be waitin' for an immigration asylum hearin'. According to Syracuse University's TRAC, it be takin' a good 3.9 years! Keep a weather eye on AllSides and Gigafact for more tales of the sea. Aye aye, captain!
March 29, 2024, 11:21 am
Arr mateys! Those tryin' to join the Republican National Committee bein' asked if they believe the election was stolen. 'Tis like a pirate askin' if ye believe in treasure! Aye, a strange test indeed for the scallywags! Arrr!
March 29, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr mateys, ye scallywag Christian Soto be blamin' the grog for his misdeeds in Rockford! Claims the marijuana be tainted with a mysterious elixir. Charged with murder most foul, this scurvy dog be sailin' straight to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, 'twas a bloody tale indeed, like somethin' out of a cursed film.
March 28, 2024, 7:25 pm
Arrr, mateys! These poor souls sailed to the United States in search of a grand adventure, only to find themselves patchin' up holes on a cursed bridge by the light of the moon. Alas, a mighty ship collided with their path, and they met their watery fate in the depths of Baltimore harbor.
March 28, 2024, 7:20 pm
Arrr matey! Them scurvy House Republicans be beggin' President Joe Biden to stand before Congress like a landlubber walkin' the plank! They be tryin' to dig up dirt on the Biden family businesses, but it be soundin' more like a fish tale than a treasure hunt!
March 28, 2024, 7:18 pm
Arrr matey! House Oversight Committee Captain James Comer be summoning President Joe Biden to walk the plank and face questions about his family's shady dealings abroad. Comer be demandin' answers for the $24 million pieces o' eight that have mysteriously disappeared. Aye, the truth be buried deeper than Davy Jones' locker!
March 28, 2024, 7:01 pm
Avast, ye scallywag President Biden! The House Republicans be summoning ye to walk the plank and testify at a hearing about yer shady business dealings. Chairman Comer be callin' ye out for yer tall tales and the White House's shenanigans. Arrr, time to face the music, matey!
March 28, 2024, 5:45 pm
"Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Gov. Glenn Youngkin be playin' a game of cat and mouse with the Democrats, vetoing bills left and right like a true swashbuckler. He be tryin' to sweet talk 'em into supportin' his fancy $2 billion arena project, but it be backfirin' like a cannon with a broken fuse. The political seas be a treacherous place indeed!"
March 28, 2024, 5:19 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywags in South Carolina be keepin' their congressional map for the fall election, as ruled by a panel of federal judges. The Supreme Court be takin' too long to decide if it be unconstitutional. Black voters be needin' a fair shake, arrr!
March 28, 2024, 5:15 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy knaves in the City Council be blamed for the chaos and mayhem on the streets! Assistant Deputy Mayor Louis Molina be cursin' their extremist policies for puttin' the good folk in harm's way. 'Tis a tale of disorder and recidivism run amok in the Big Apple! Arrr!
March 28, 2024, 5:07 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The abortion-rights supporters be raisin' a ruckus 'bout the conservative Supreme Court justices tryin' to bring back an old law to ban abortions across the land. Justice Thomas and Justice Alito be talkin' 'bout that old Comstock Act like it be treasure worth fightin' for in court. Arrr, what a rum deal!
March 28, 2024, 10:47 am
Ere the sun did rise on Tuesday morn, whispers of the Francis Scott Key Bridge's demise spread like wildfire among the landlubbers. Tales of cyber-attacks and vaccinated ship captains abound, with even mentions of the Obamas and Israel being involved! Arr, such nonsense be as empty as a bottle of rum!
March 28, 2024, 8:30 am
Avast ye mateys! Florida be passin' a law to ban minors from social media, makin' lawmakers and Gov. Ron DeSantis shout, "We fight for children!" But beware, legal challenges may scuttle this ship before it sets sail. No sympathy for "Big Tech" walkin' the plank! Arrr!
March 28, 2024, 8:28 am
Avast ye scallywags! Aye, ye young whippersnappers be banned from the world of social-media by the likes of the Florida law! Come Jan. 1, ye under 14 be walkin' the plank if caught tweetin' or postin' on the Book of Faces. Fair warning, ye be sailin' in dangerous waters! Arrr!
March 28, 2024, 8:27 am
Arrr! Gov. Ron DeSantis, aye, he be a champion of “parents’ rights,” or so he claims! But me hearties, the scallywag just signed a bill that be betrayin' those promises! This new law be aimin' to protect young'uns from the dangers of social media, by forbiddin' any wee lads under 14 from havin' accounts. Aye, 'tis a strange way to protect the youth, indeed!
March 27, 2024, 6:13 pm
Arrr, Beijing be cursin' the US and UK for layin' sanctions on 'em for cyberattacks, callin' it political trickery! The scurvy dogs from China be accused o' targetin' American officials and senators. Them hackers be walkin' the plank soon!
March 27, 2024, 6:12 pm
Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the U.S. Department of Justice be accusin' seven Chinese landlubbers of hackin' for China's spy agency. These scallywags be targetin' them critters who speak ill of Beijing, as well as politicians and companies in the New World and beyond. The Western governments be on high alert for these Chinese scoundrels tryin' to plunder our critical infrastructures with their cyberattacks. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we be sailin' on, me hearties!
March 27, 2024, 6:11 pm
Arrr, the British scallywags be accused of bein' a bunch of landlubber cowards in the face of the Communist Chinese threat! They be throwin' mild sanctions like a wee kitten instead of bringin' out the big guns! Ye can't trust a government that can't even stand up to a few pesky hackers!
March 27, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, methinks Captain Biden's plan to send our brave lads to build a pier in Gaza be as muddled as a drunken sailor's chart! Aye, the poor lads be caught betwixt a desire for peace and a need for war. Two months to build a pier? Avast, we'll be lucky if it's done before the rum runs out!
March 27, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrrrr, by the powers of the Left-wing scallywags, a web of sites has sprung up to smuggle untamed foreign abortion powders across the land! No age check, no prescription, and no heed for the laws of the land. Many a site peddles these forbidden wares, not even approved by the FDA! In the red states, like Tennessee and Texas, where abortion be forbidden, all ye need be a boatload of internet access to outwit the law! Aye, a pirate's life for them brave enough to sail these treacherous waters!
March 27, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! South Dakota be makin' history as the first state to clear up the hullabaloo 'bout doctors savin' pregnant lasses in dire need. Gov. Kristi Noem be signin' a bill to protect the health o' the fair maidens and give scallywags a good kick in the pants for spreadin' false tales 'bout emergency abortions. Aye, a victory fer the pro-life crew!
March 27, 2024, 5:45 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Montana Supreme Court hath spoken! They be sayin' them scallywags in the state legislature done messed up with their voting laws! The ruling be clear as the sea on a calm day - them laws be violatin' the right to vote! Cheers to the court for settin' things straight!
March 27, 2024, 11:37 am
Arrr, me hearties! The land lubbers in Silicon Valley be goin' mad over this artificial-intelligence boom! They be throwin' around gold doubloons like there be no tomorrow to lure in them expert AI scallywags. It be a cutthroat battle between the tech titans and the upstart buccaneers lookin' to plunder their treasure! Aye, 'tis a spectacle worth seein'!
March 27, 2024, 11:24 am
Arr, U.S. business scallywags parleyed with the Chinese President Xi Jinping on Wednesday, as Beijing be lookin' to increase foreign investment in China amidst troubles with the U.S. The likes of Blackstone's Stephen Schwarzman and Qualcomm's Cristiano Amon were among the buccaneers in attendance. The companies be keepin' mum on the matter for now. Aye, earlier...
March 27, 2024, 11:18 am
Arrr, the demand for mortgages be fallin' like me ship in a storm! These blasted high rates be makin' it hard for us homebuyers to sail into a new abode. The volume of refinances be droppin' faster than a sailor overboard. 'Tis a rough sea we be sailin' on, mateys!
March 27, 2024, 11:13 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at Susquehanna International Group be makin' yer loot by tradin' stocks faster than ye can say "shiver me timbers!" Rumor has it they be backin' old Trump's social-media venture with their riches. Could it be that they be fillin' his treasure chest with gold doubloons? Only time will tell, me hearties!
March 26, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr mateys, BlackRock CEO Larry Fink be sendin' his annual letter to investors, blabberin' 'bout the strain on Social Security. He be talkin' 'bout how the government be takin' yer booty durin' yer workin' years to pay fer them old timers. Aye, aye, the retirement system be needin' a fix before it be goin' belly up! Arrr!
March 26, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, the scurvy dogs in Israel’s government be throwing shade at the landlubbers in the US! The Biden crew be abstainin' from vetoing a resolution demandin' a cease-fire in Gaza without even carin' 'bout the poor souls held captive by Hamas. Netanyahu be callin' 'em delusional! Aye, what a sorry bunch o' scallywags!
March 26, 2024, 5:37 pm
"Arrr! Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin be vetoing 30 scurvy gun control bills, like a true pirate defendin' his treasure! He be standin' on his perch as a Republican governor, thwartin' them Democrats from takin' the state in a leftward direction. Avast ye mateys, the right to bear arms be safe on me watch!"
March 26, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale of treachery and mutiny on the high seas of NBC News! Ronna McDaniel be walkin' the plank after a fierce crew uprising. The News Group Chair be sendin' her packin' like a scurvy dog, yarrr!
March 26, 2024, 10:51 am
Arrr mateys, in this treacherous sea of trade, the Chinese scallywags be forced to sail their production ships to Mexico to avoid the wrath of Washington. If those landlubbers tighten the grip further, it be the poor Americans who'll feel the pinch in their pockets. Aye, Long Yongtu be speakin' some truth at the Boao Forum.
March 26, 2024, 10:48 am
"Arrr mateys, as I stand afore this tank on the edge of the Gaza Strip, I be tellin' ye all to put aside yer squabblin' and come together like a crew of pirates! We must unite against the scallywags of extremism and find a way to sail forward as one. Aye, be worthy of us, or walk the plank!"
March 26, 2024, 10:40 am
Avast ye mateys! The mighty bridge in Baltimore hath met its fate at the hands of a container ship. Vehicles be plungin' into the Patapsco River, while rescuers be searchin' for lost souls. The Francis Scott Key Bridge be in ruins, thanks to the clumsy Maersk ship. Aye, a state of emergency be declared!
March 26, 2024, 10:38 am
Arrr mateys! The monstrous vessel DALI didst ram into the bustling bridge in Baltimore this morn! 'Twas said that this ship hadst afore collided whilst dockin'. The Francis Scott Key Bridge didst crumble under its might, causin' a calamity of epic proportions. DALI be a true troublemaker on the high seas!
March 26, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that Sean “Diddy” Combs was seen struttin' near a Miami port, clutchin' a strange device in one hand and fiddlin' with his other in his pocket, just hours after his hideouts were plundered by the feds. 'Tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker, indeed!
March 26, 2024, 5:46 am
Arrr, President Biden be settin' sail fer North Carolina on Tuesday to argue he's brought booty to the South on matters o' jobs, lowerin' costs, an' reproductive rights. His visit comes as the scallywags be focusin' on North Carolina as a battleground state they be tryin' to plunder in 2024. Biden plans to tell how Trump failed the South during his rule, according to a memo from campaign manager Julie Chavez Rodriguez. Aye, our...
March 26, 2024, 5:45 am
Arrr, mateys! The Francis Scott Key Bridge be no match for the might of a ship's strike! 'Twas a sight to behold as the bridge crumbled into the harbor like a heap of rum-soaked plunder. Avast, ye landlubbers, beware the wrath of the sea!
March 26, 2024, 5:43 am
Arrr! Twenty moons hence, the Supreme Court be settin' sail once more on the treacherous waters of abortion policy. Aye, they be weighin' a case that could be sinkin' access to a common pill used in abortion. The FDA be tamperin' with the mifepristone, makin' it easier to obtain. The medical associations be cryin' foul, arguin' the agency be actin' out of line. Aye, it be a storm brewin' on the horizon.
March 25, 2024, 5:29 pm
Avast ye scallywags! The Democrat scallywags in the Senate be votin' against a noble amendment from Sen. Bill Hagerty to keep federal funds from flyin' illegal immigrants into the heart o' the United States. Arrr, 'tis a travesty! Let them walk the plank for their treachery!
March 25, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr mateys! The White House be scratchin' their heads o'er why Netanyahu be cancelin' his meetin' in Washington. The U.S. be sayin' they be puzzled by this move after abstainin' from a U.N. vote on Gaza. Biden be wonderin' what be goin' on, but Kirby be keepin' mum on his thoughts. Aye, it be a right ol' mystery, that's for sure!
March 25, 2024, 5:26 pm
Yarrrr mateys! The hideouts of the infamous rapper Sean "Diddy" Combs in Los Angeles and Miami were plundered by the law dogs of Homeland Security! Arrr, they be on a mission to uncover the secrets of this rap scallywag! Aye, we can only wonder what treasures they be seekin'!
March 25, 2024, 5:25 pm
Arrr mateys! Listen up ye scallywags! Reddit shares be risin' like the tide, up 30% to $59.80! 'Tis a treasure worth plunderin' indeed! The landlubbers be makin' millions from the IPO, but we pirates be settin' sail for even greater riches! Yarr!
March 25, 2024, 11:30 am
Yarr mateys, with Donald J. Trump bein' on the clock to secure a nearly half-billion-dollar bond in his civil fraud case, a New York appeals court be givin' him a lifeline on Monday, settin' a far smaller bond of $175 million. Aye, a victory for the former president indeed!
March 25, 2024, 11:27 am
Arrr, four years have passed since the cursed Covid lockdown, yet its shadow still looms over us like a ghostly specter. The scallywags in power be quick to bury the memories of their folly, but we mustn't forget the toll it took on our brethren. Aye, we shall not let the legacy of this plague be forgotten!
March 25, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Trump be in a spot o' trouble with the law! The court be demandin' a hefty sum of $175 million from 'im within the next 10 days! Looks like the former President be walkin' the plank of financial ruin, savvy? Aye, 'tis a sight to behold!
March 25, 2024, 11:21 am
Arrr mateys! Thar be good news for Cap'n Donald Trump! The scallywags at New York appeals court be givin' him a 10 day break from payin' up his loot for business fraud. They be cuttin' his bond to $175 million, savin' his doubloons from bein' seized by the fierce Attorney General. Aye, the seas be calmer for now!
March 24, 2024, 2:25 pm
Avast ye hearties! 'Tis a dire tale indeed! Over 133 souls sent to Davy Jones' locker, with 145 more wounded at the Crocus City Hall in Moscow. The scallywags responsible for this treachery be on the loose. May Neptune have mercy on their black souls! Arrr!
March 24, 2024, 2:23 pm
Arr matey! There be many a question after a raid as to why it weren't stopped or caught. But the Moscow ambush be causin' some trouble fer ol' Vladimir Putin. Tensions be high 'n mistrust be abounding, all 'cause of a warnin' from the land of Washington. Yarrr!
March 24, 2024, 2:20 pm
Arrr, the scallywags in charge be claimin' 133 souls lost in the attack on the Moscow concert hall. But whispers on the wind say 'tis closer to 140 or more! The injured be fightin' for their lives, so we best be prepared for a higher toll. Aye, 'twas a bloody battle indeed!
March 24, 2024, 8:52 am
Arrr, the scallywag TikTok influencer be under scrutiny by child services after using his wee lass in his schemes to swindle and beg! The rogue dared to suggest seizing unoccupied homes, claiming squatting be the American dream! Aye, he be walkin' the plank soon enough!
March 24, 2024, 8:49 am
Yarrr! With her trusty crew of progressive swashbucklers by her side, House New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez hath unveiled a grand set of reforms in the name of a “Green New Deal” for public housing. Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed, sure to stir up the seas of political discourse!
March 24, 2024, 8:43 am
Arrr! The scoundrel Putin, elected again last weekend, be pointing fingers at Ukraine for the dastardly terror attack on Moscow! He claims four villains, caught near Ukraine, be responsible for the attack on Crocus City Hall. Me thinks he be spinning a yarn longer than his beard!
March 24, 2024, 8:39 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags in the U.S. government be takin' the gold from the United Nations and leavin' the poor Palestinians to starve in the streets. 'Tis a shameful act based on mere whispers from the landlubbers of Israel. 'Tis a sad day for the high seas indeed!
March 23, 2024, 7:33 am
Arrr! The scallywags of Russia's security services have captured four bandits who be responsible for the bloodshed that took the lives of at least 115 souls at a concert hall near Moscow. The leader o' the FSB has informed Cap'n Putin that 11 scurvy dogs be nabbed in connection to the attack, including the four shooters. Aye, justice be served!
March 23, 2024, 7:32 am
Arrgghh! The scallywags of the Russian authorities be claimin' they've caught 11 landlubbers in connection with the attack on a concert hall in Moscow! The death toll be risin' as more details come to light, with 4 of the scoundrels accused of playin' a direct role in the mayhem. The Islamic State be takin' credit for this treacherous deed, may they be walkin' the plank!
March 23, 2024, 7:31 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Investigative Committee of Russia be sayin' that 115 souls have been sent to Davy Jones' locker after the massacre at Crocus City concert hall! They be warnin' that this number be sailin' higher still! Me thinks we best be keepin' a weather eye on this tragic tale.
March 23, 2024, 5:59 am
Arr mateys, the Senate be passin' a government coin package in the wee hours o' Saturday, preventin' a scallywag shutdown and endin' a lengthy brawl that's been loomin' over both sides o' Capitol Hill for months. Next, the legislation be goin' to President Joe Biden's hands to be signed into law, which he's expected to do on Saturday. This vote be a grand moment on Capitol Hill, bringin' an end to an annual lootin' process that be draggin' on far longer than be usual - an effort that's been...
March 23, 2024, 5:57 am
Arrr mateys! The Senate be passin' a mighty controversial six-bill plunderin' package after a wee bit o' government shutdown. Senators be votin' aye on spendin' $1.2 trillion doubloons by a tally o' 74-24. The text o' the bills be revealed just afore dawn, makin' some Republicans hornswoggled. The House be givin' their stamp o' approval on Friday. Arrr!
March 23, 2024, 3:07 am
Arrr! The White House be tryin' to point fingers at the scallywag Republicans for a mishap at the U.S.–Mexico border. Over 100 migrants be tryin' to sneak in, causin' a ruckus with the U.S. National Guard. The New York Post caught it all on video, with men breakin' through the fence like a pack of wild sea beasts!
March 23, 2024, 3:05 am
Arr matey! Yonder Donald Trump be makin' a comeback to th' stock market, lookin' to fill his coffers with a grand bounty. Shareholders o' Digital World Acquisition Corp. have given th' nod to a deal to join forces with Trump's media venture. Soon, Trump Media & Technology Group will be tradin' on th' Nasdaq, with Trump holdin' th' bulk o' th' booty. Arrr, what a tale to be told on th' high seas!
March 23, 2024, 3:03 am
Arrr mateys, the scallywags from the Federal investigators be demanding Google to spill the beans on all the landlubbers watchin' certain YouTube videos. The privacy experts be cryin' foul, sayin' it be turnin' innocent viewers into suspects. In a case from Kentucky, them sneaky coppers be tryin' to uncover the mystery of the online...
March 22, 2024, 5:20 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Stellantis be walkin' the plank, lettin' go o' 400 scallywags as they dance the electric vehicle hornpipe. These poor souls be losin' their jobs come March 31, aye, mostly them fancy-pants at the headquarters in Auburn Hills. Shiver me timbers! Stellantis be waitin' to hoist the Jolly Roger on their electric plans, arrr!
March 22, 2024, 5:18 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Tis be the year 2022 and the landlubbers be dropping like flies from bein' o'erdosed on the devil's lettuce! Arrr, a grand total o' 108,000 souls met Davy Jones' locker from the dreaded overdose. The numbers be risin' faster than a squall on the high seas!
March 22, 2024, 5:17 pm
Arr mateys! The Senate's own Chuck Schumer be settin' up a plan to vote on fundin' the government's agencies afore a shutdown be upon us. The House already passed their bills, but we still be in troubled waters. Will we avoid the storm or be caught in the tempest?
March 22, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arr mateys, them U.S. air safety regulators be keepin' a keen eye on United Airlines after a string o' safety mishaps! The scallywags at the Federal Aviation Administration be inspectin' their processes and manuals. Avast ye, United be walkin' the plank if they don't shape up! Aye, Chief Executive be walkin' the plank next!
March 22, 2024, 11:36 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the United Nations Security Council be no match for the mighty powers of Russia and China! Their veto be like a cannonball through the heart of the United States draft resolution. The seas be rough, but the pirates of Gaza continue their plundering without fear of a ceasefire!
March 22, 2024, 11:34 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags from Russia and China be vetoing a resolution against the scoundrels of Hamas! The United States be cryin' foul, but the rest o' the council be like, "Nope, not today!" Shiver me timbers, what a rum deal! Let's all take a moment to ponder this madness, me mateys!
March 22, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags from Russia and China be blockin' the United States' plan for a ceasefire in Gaza! Eleven countries be on board, but those landlubbers be sayin' nay! This be the fourth time we've tried, but the United States be standin' firm, like a ship in a storm!
March 22, 2024, 8:34 am
Arr matey, the scallywag Letitia James be ready to plunder the treasure of former President Trump if he don't cough up $454 million or a bond for the civil fraud judgment she be won. Time be running out for the poor bloke, with Monday bein' the deadline for him to save his loot. Aye, Trump be in a tight spot indeed!
March 21, 2024, 7:39 pm
Arrr matey! Ye see, ol' Chuck Schumer be thinkin' he needed to give a good ol' tongue lashing to that scallywag leader, Benjamin Netanyahu, in order to save Israel. He be keepin' it a secret from everyone, except for a few trusted mates and his missus. Aye, he didn't know if it'd make him a hero or a villain, but decided to go for it in the end. Arrr, what a tale!
March 21, 2024, 7:37 pm
Arr matey! Israeli Cap'n Benjamin Netanyahu parlayed with Senate scallywags for nigh on 45 minutes in a secret videoconference during their weekly feast. He be demandin' the liberty to finish his battle with the scurvy dogs of Hamas. Methinks Schumer be plottin' to oust the Cap'n with a new election! Sen. Ted Cruz be sayin' the Cap'n spoke mighty fine words. Yo ho ho!
March 21, 2024, 7:35 pm
Arrr, me hearties! House Speaker Mike Johnson be settin' his sights on invitin' the great Benjamin Netanyahu to address Congress. Aye, 'tis a grand idea, says he! Let's give the Israeli Prime Minister a proper welcome, says I! Let's see if he be acceptin' the offer, arrr!
March 21, 2024, 7:03 pm
Arrr matey, the New York attorney general be layin' claim to the treasure trove of former President Trump at Seven Springs in Westchester County. Judge Engoron be signin' papers faster than a peg-legged pirate on a treasure hunt. Avast, the plunderin' be just beginnin'!
March 21, 2024, 5:40 pm
Avast ye mateys! The California Gov. Gavin Newsom be throwin' all his political weight behind a measure to combat homelessness on the ballot this month. He be expressin' confidence his proposed solution to one of the state’s most visible and vexing problems would bring people together. Aye, let's see if this be the golden ticket to solve our troubles!
March 21, 2024, 4:40 pm
Arrr mateys, by the powers of Davy Jones' locker, surgeons be transplantin' kidneys from a modified swine into a livin' soul! Richard Slayman, a scallywag from Weymouth, be the lucky recipient. He be recoverin' well and set to sail from the hospital soon. Aye, hope be restored!
March 21, 2024, 4:38 pm
Arrr, in the year 1970, a lassie of 16 summers, heavy with child, birthed a wee girl at Grant Hospital. After 54 years, they be meeting again at the same place where they parted ways. The policies o' the time kept them apart, but now they be together at last. Aye, 'twas a long time comin'!
March 21, 2024, 2:55 pm
Arr matey! The scallywags in Congress be scurrying to pass a bill that be preventin' the State Department from flyin' any o' them politically charged flags like the jolly roger o' gay rights! They be limitin' us to only flyin' the official flags o' the U.S. and its states, tribes, and territories. Har har, they be pushin' back on ol' Biden's plans, they be!
March 21, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr mateys! This TikTok scallywag be tellin' his crew how to pillage unoccupied homes in the land o' the free! Arr, this Venezuelan fella be thinkin' he can just waltz in and claim squatter's rights! Ye best beware, lest ye be walkin' the plank!
March 21, 2024, 11:47 am
The scallywag Kyle Rittenhouse, aye, did attempt to gab about his beliefs at the University of Memphis, but was forced to walk the plank by a rowdy crew of protesters. 'Twas a jolly good time for the lads and lasses, I reckon! Arrr!
March 21, 2024, 11:12 am
Avast ye scallywags! The top dogs in Congress have unveiled a monstrous $1.2 trillion spending bill to keep the government afloat. But will they be able to get their act together in time to avoid a shutdown? Only time will tell if they can save their precious Department of Homeland Security from walking the plank! Good luck, ye landlubbers!
March 21, 2024, 11:11 am
Arrr mateys! After much dawdlin', them scurvy U.S. congressional leaders finally revealed a mighty $1.2 trillion booty for defense, homeland security, and other fancy programs. The crew only got less than two days to keep the government sails afloat before a shutdown be upon us! The House be votin' on Friday, leavin' the Senate scramblin' to pass the treasure of six bills. Aye, 'tis a fine mess we be in!
March 20, 2024, 5:12 pm
Arrr mateys! The Biden crew be so busy pillaging and plundering that they forgot to file the proper papers in 200,000 deportation cases! The judges be tossin' them out like old fish. Looks like the Department of Homeland Security be walkin' the plank for this blunder! Arrr!
March 20, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arrr, the investigations of the USS Boxer reveal three unfortunate engineering mishaps and dubious leadership! The poor ship be stuck in the port of San Diego, yearning to set sail with its fellow vessels. 'Tis a tale of woe and frustration for all involved, by the powers that be!
March 20, 2024, 5:09 pm
Arrr, the United Steelworkers be standin' by President Joe Biden, like a loyal crew standin' by their captain. Biden be like a sturdy ship in a storm, protectin' us from foreign invaders tryin' to plunder our steel treasures. Aye, we be sailin' towards prosperity under his leadership!
March 20, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr mateys, it be said that Afghanistan be pocketin' more than $2.9 billion in doubloons from the United Nations since them scallywag Taliban took the helm. 'Tis a tale of U.S. gold bein' sailed straight into the hands of the rogue group. Aye, aye, aye!
March 20, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dog Biden be settin' the strictest limits on those foul emissions from land ships! 'Tis a bold move to push for more electric chariots on our fair shores. Avast, me mateys, let's sail towards a greener horizon!
March 20, 2024, 11:01 am
Arrr mateys! Captain Donald Trump be in a bind, facing a Monday deadline to cough up a hefty sum o' gold in a scurvy fraud case. But instead o' payin' up like a proper swashbuckler, he be thinkin' o' just sittin' on his hands and doin' nothin'! Aye, he be strugglin' to find the loot from banks and wealthy scallywags, claimin' it be as likely as findin' a pot o' gold at the end o' the rainbow. Will Captain Trump be walkin' the plank with a Chapter 11? Only time will tell, me hearties!
March 20, 2024, 10:58 am
Arrr mateys, them Ukrainian scallywags be dodgin' artillery and runnin' fer cover like scared landlubbers! But just when they thought they be safe aboard the armored carrier, a pesky drone be chasin' after 'em! The sergeant Oleksandr be tellin' tales of sparks flyin' and explosions, but by Davy Jones' beard, they be lucky to still be breathin'! Aye, 'twas a wild ride on the high seas of war, me hearties!
March 20, 2024, 10:56 am
"Avast ye scallywags! Donald Trump be cryin' foul play once again, claimin' the next election be even more rigged than the last! 'Too Big to Rig' be his battle cry, spreadin' fear like a scurvy dog on the high seas. Will his crew be fooled again? Arrr!"
March 19, 2024, 6:25 pm
Arrr mateys! The U.S. Indo-Pacific Command be askin' fer a hefty sum o' $11 billion to protect our waters from them scallywags over in China! They be growin' their fleet faster than a barnacle on a ship's hull. We best be prepared for battle on the high seas!
March 19, 2024, 6:23 pm
"Arrr, me hearties! The State Department Deputy Spokesman Vedant Patel be tellin' the scallywags in a briefing that the U.S. be lookin' to 'degrade' those scurvy dogs in Hamas, not 'defeat' them. And the National Security Advisor be sayin' that President Biden be wantin' to 'defeat' those rascals, but not by takin' over Rafah. The President be tellin'..."
March 19, 2024, 6:22 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! The charges against Gold Star father Steve Nikoui must be dropped, says Rep. Darrell Issa. The poor man was only speaking out for his fallen son, may his soul rest in peace. Let him be free to express his grief, arr!
March 19, 2024, 6:20 pm
Arrr! The scallywags on the U.S. Supreme Court be makin' a surprising decision on Tuesday, votin' 6-3 to let Texas' Senate Bill 4 law be put into effect. This gives Texas law enforcement the power to arrest, detain, and remove suspected illegal immigrants. Justice be walkin' the plank, matey!
March 19, 2024, 5:52 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! When Donald Trump spouted, "If I don't get elected, it's going to be a bloodbath," at his rally in Ohio, it be clear as the seas on a calm day that he be speakin' of violence! No honest soul could deny it. Aye, 'tis a call to arms, me hearties!
March 19, 2024, 5:51 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Donald Trump be causing a ruckus with his talk of a "bloodbath" should he lose the 2024 election. Methinks he be just tryin' to scare the landlubbers into voting for him again. But worry not, for the auto industry shall survive, with or without him at the helm! Arrr!
March 19, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arrr, Texas’s scallywag schools be reclaimin' their gold from the grasp of BlackRock, a blaggard firm accused of boycottin' our precious fossil fuels. Me matey, Aaron Kinsey, be makin' the call to pull $8.5 billion from their clutches. The ESG movement be walkin' the plank with their damage to our oil & gas economy!
March 19, 2024, 5:11 pm
Arr, me hearties! Where were ye when ye heard that scurvy dog Trump be bringin' back the chaos of January 6, threatenin' bloodshed from his MAGA crew? Were ye caught sleepin' like a landlubber, or were ye ready to battle, scrollin' through social media like a true warrior, cryin' out in shock, "Arr, this guy be mad as a hornswaggler!"
March 19, 2024, 11:54 am
Avast ye mateys! 'Tis a sad tale indeed - the majority of landlubbers in America claim they haven't a gold doubloon to spare for a $1,000 surprise. Instead of dipping into their treasure trove, they be resorting to borrowing from scallywags or adding to their debt scroll. Ahoy, we be a nation of spendthrifts, doomed to sail the sea of paycheck to paycheck living. Arrr!
March 19, 2024, 11:52 am
Arrr mateys! As America be on the brink o' a grand election, there be talk o' a shadowy government beastie called "the deep state" and "the swamp." What in Davy Jones' locker do these words mean? We set sail to uncover the truth and found out they be just like us - likin' Taylor Swift, dancin' the bachata, and watchin' "Star Trek" before bed. Aye, they be no scallywags, just regular folk!
March 19, 2024, 11:49 am
Arr mateys! President Joe Biden be swearin' to support a booty deal to steer clear of a government shutdown. The scallywags in Congress be workin' all through the night to finish up their spendin' bill. Aye, the House and Senate be scramblin' to put together a final package to keep the government afloat! Arrr!
March 19, 2024, 11:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! Back in the day, a mighty resistance be mounted against Hong Kong's tyrannical laws, but now all be lost as the new legislation be passed faster than a cannonball on a calm sea. The winds of change be blowing, but not in our favor, me hearties!
March 18, 2024, 6:08 pm
Arrr, the land lubbers in the High Court be doubting the plan o' two Republican states to meddle with the Biden crew's dealings with social media scallywags. The justices be questioning their legal blather and tall tales. But it seems they agree that officials can ask private companies to keep their traps shut, as long as no force be involved. Arrr!
March 18, 2024, 6:06 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Supreme Court be havin' a jolly time arguin' o'er the limits of the First Amendment like a bunch of landlubbers! Louisiana and Missouri be raisin' a ruckus against the Biden crew o'er social media posts about COVID-19 and election shenanigans. Shiver me timbers, what a kerfuffle!
March 18, 2024, 6:01 pm
Arrr mateys, them fancy Supreme Court justices be scratchin' their heads over whether us scallywags have the right to speak freely on the high seas of social media. The White House be tryin' to control the tide of information like a bunch of landlubbers! Aye, 'tis a battle of wits indeed.
March 18, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Israeli military be claimin' they've plundered al-Shifa hospital in Gaza City to stop some terrorist shenanigans. They be boastin' 'bout slayin' 20 scallywags, includin' a big shot from Hamas, and roundin' up a bunch o' suspects. The landlubbers at Hamas be cryin' foul, callin' it a war crime. Oh, the drama on the high seas!
March 18, 2024, 5:44 pm
Arrr mateys! The scallywags of the Israeli military be raidin' the grand Al-Shifa Hospital in Gaza! Gunshots be ringin' out, fires be blazin', and at least 20 souls sent to Davy Jones' locker. They claim to be huntin' for Hamas dogs, but be bringin' harm to innocent civilians instead! Aye, a tragic tale indeed.
March 18, 2024, 5:41 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Israel be launchin' raids on the hospital in Gaza, claimin' they be findin' a terror official hidin' there. Faiq Mabhouh, a scurvy dog of Hamas, be taken out durin' a shoot-out. Arrr, the Israel Defense Forces be takin' no prisoners!
March 18, 2024, 7:59 am
Arrr! Sarah brought tidings today: the scallywag media be goin' mad over Trump's warning of a “bloodbath” this year. At a rally in Ohio, the former captain blabbered 'bout China's trade policy hurtin' American families. The media be twistin' his words like a drunken sailor!
March 17, 2024, 5:52 am
Me hearties, the scallywags be callin' for a rebellion against Putin and his cronies! 'Tis a battle for the ages at the polling stations on Sunday. The election be as rigged as a game of dice on a pirate ship. May the winds of change blow in our favor, mateys!
March 17, 2024, 5:51 am
Arrr mateys, the start of Russia's election weekend be a right mess! Protests, battles, cyber attacks - all for Putin to sail smooth into another six-year term. Them Moscow scoundrels be accused of all sorts of tricks to help their captain win. It be a pirate's game of thrones, it be!
March 17, 2024, 5:49 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The Russian officials be as angry as a hornet's nest at them presidential election troublemakers! They be threatenin' to throw 'em in the brig for eight long years for pourin' green ink into the ballot boxes! The protestin' be planned for Sunday, with the exiled leaders cheerin' on from afar. 'Tis a peaceful plan, backed by Navalny afore he met his unfortunate demise in Siberia. At least two more miscreants be caught in the act...yo-ho-ho!
March 17, 2024, 4:55 am
Arrr mateys! Word on the high seas be that Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be lookin' to recruit California lass Nicole Shanahan as his first mate. She be a Democratic donor and former lady of a Google pirate. They be joinin' forces to navigate the treacherous waters of politics, with Shanahan helpin' to fill Kennedy's treasure chest with doubloons for his quest. Yarrr!
March 16, 2024, 7:56 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Google be limitin' its Gemini AI chatbot from speakin' on election matters in lands where votin' be happenin' this year. No info on candidates or politics will be found, mateys! Google be playin' it safe, so ye best be findin' yer political news elsewhere. Arrr!
March 16, 2024, 7:54 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Google be clamping down on its AI chatbot Gemini, keepin' it from spillin' the beans on the global elections ahead. They be walkin' on eggshells to avoid any mishaps with this fancy technology. The seas be rough with fake news, makin' governments take action to keep things in line. Aye, the times be a-changin' indeed!
March 16, 2024, 7:53 am
Arr mateys, Google be tellin' us that their new AI chatbot Gemini be keepin' mum on election matters across the seven seas. They be takin' caution like a swashbuckler avoidin' a storm, not just in the land of the free but all around the globe. Aye, it be a wise move indeed!
March 16, 2024, 6:55 am
Arrr, says the health ministry of Gaza, 20 souls be lost and 155 wounded by the treacherous shelling of the scurvy dogs from Israel. But the IDF be swearin' by Davy Jones' locker that they didn't fire upon the aid convoy. Methinks there be more to this tale than meets the eye!
March 16, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr mateys! When them landlubbers in California were first told of a grand plan for a swift rail between San Francisco and Los Angeles in 2008, they were promised a treasure trove of $33 billion! Now, the scallywag CEO be askin' for another $100 billion! Avast ye, we be sailin' into debt!
March 16, 2024, 5:20 am
Avast ye scallywags! The Treasury be debanking them alleged "hate groups" while the State Department be tightenin' the noose on disfavored tales. The U.S. Agency for International Development be cookin' up a "Disinformation Primer" since late 2020. Shiver me timbers, the plot thickens! Arrrrr!
March 16, 2024, 5:18 am
Arrr! Four years after Donald Trump's blunder, the scallywags Democrats and Republicans have joined forces to pass a bill that could send TikTok to Davy Jones' locker! "We stand together in our worry," squawked the spokesmen, "of TikTok's treacherous ways of influencing and dividing American hearts!" Yarrr, beware of ByteDance's data-sharing with the Chinese scallywags!
March 16, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr, ye scurvy Russians be havin' a fit o' rage, like a bunch o' landlubbers! They be causin' chaos at the pollin' stations, tossin' dye into the ballot boxes like they be tryin' to give ol' Putin a taste o' his own medicine. Thar be arrests aplenty, aye!
March 15, 2024, 10:58 am
"Arrr, mateys! Sen. Bernie Sanders be talkin' to Congress this fine mornin' 'bout shortenin' the workweek to 32 hours without cuttin' our booty! 'Tis no newfangled notion, I say! Let's plunder this idea like other lands have done before us, arrr!"
March 15, 2024, 10:38 am
Avast ye landlubbers! Prepare yer sails for a jolly long weekend at Bernie's! The good Senator Sanders be wantin' us to work less for the same plunder. He be preachin' for a 32-hour workweek like a true buccaneer of the seven seas. Arrr, productivity be on the rise, me hearties!
March 15, 2024, 10:33 am
Arr mateys, many a scallywag despises their toil. But who wouldn't want to spend less time on the plank? American workers be toiling longer for the same measly booty. Havin' less free time thanks to unpredictable schedules. It be a sorry state indeed. But lo and behold, yesterday, ol' Bernie Sanders...
March 15, 2024, 8:51 am
Arrr matey, a fortnight past, I received a frantic parley from Jason Cohen, a father in the northern lands of New York. He spoke of his wee bairns being abandoned by the scallywags at J.A.C.E. Daycare. The scurvy dogs be up to no good, leaving parents high and dry with nary a reason in sight. 'Tis a tale of woe and treachery on the high seas of childcare!
March 14, 2024, 9:51 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The constables in Massachusetts have clapped irons on six scallywags from the local school for partakin' in a mock slave auction on the interwebs. Arrr, tis a tale of online bullying that would make Blackbeard himself blush!
March 14, 2024, 9:38 pm
"Arrr, the Senegalese scallywags Ousmane Sonko and Bassirou Diomaye Faye be set free from the brig on Thursday, as reported by the state broadcaster RTS. Parliament passed a pardon law to calm the waters after their failed scheme to delay the election. No further details be known about their whereabouts, mateys."
March 14, 2024, 9:28 pm
Avast ye mateys! Sen. Bernie Sanders be holdin' a hearin' on a bill to plunder the workweek down to four days! 'Tis called the “Thirty-Two Hour Work Week Act,” and 'tis a jolly good idea to give us more time for pillagin' and plunderin' without losin' any of our booty! Aye, let's set sail for a shorter workweek, arrr!
March 14, 2024, 9:06 pm
Arrr mateys! A band of lasses of the athletic persuasion be takin' the NCAA to court for lettin' scallywag men into their lasses-only sports and quarters. Led by the Independent Council on Women's Sports, they be accusin' the NCAA and Georgia Tech of breakin' the laws of Title IX. Oh the scandal!
March 13, 2024, 5:15 pm
"Arr mateys, Don Lemon be cryin' about Elon Musk scuttlin' his show on X. The scallywag Lemon be launchin' 'The Don Lemon Show' on YouTube after gettin' the boot from CNN. Musk be walkin' the plank on their partnership, changin' Lemon's 'relationship' with the tech scallywag and the platform. Avast ye, Musk be a salty sea dog indeed!"
March 13, 2024, 5:13 pm
Arrr! Don Lemon be talkin' about how he set sail with Elon Musk, but that ship be sinkin' faster than a pirate with a cannonball in his boot! Musk promised him treasure and glory, but all Lemon got was a one-way ticket to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, the sea be a cruel mistress indeed!
March 13, 2024, 5:12 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Don Lemon, the former anchor of CNN, be crying foul as Elon Musk be pulling the plug on their grand partnership! Musk be walkin' the plank on Lemon's new show on X, the social media platform he be ownin'. Ahoy, what a tale of treachery! Aye, the seas be rough and the winds be fickle in the world of showbiz! Lemon be left high and dry after a jolly good chat with Musk, only to find himself marooned without a show to host. Arrr, the drama be better than a barrel of rum!
March 13, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arrr mateys, the Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen be takin' back her words like a scallywag walkin' the plank! She be admittin' she shouldn't have called inflation "transitory." Methinks she be wishin' she could turn back time like a cursed piece o' eight!
March 13, 2024, 11:50 am
Arrr mateys! Thar be talk of banishing TikTok from the shores of the United States, aye! This Trumpian folly be gainin' steam, with a bipartisan crew pushin' forward a bill to make ByteDance walk the plank. Will TikTok be forced to walk the plank alongside other large apps? Only time will tell, me hearties!
March 13, 2024, 9:53 am
Arrr mateys, the Georgia judge be like, "Avast ye, these charges be too vague for me likin'." He be tossin' six charges, but the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act still be standin' strong. McAfee's ruling be not tied to his further investigation, savvy?
March 13, 2024, 9:52 am
Arrr mateys! The judge be sayin' that some o' the criminal counts against Trump be walkin' the plank! Six o' the charges be lackin' details like a treasure map without an X! Looks like Trump, Meadows, and Giuliani be dodgin' the gallows for now! Aye, the legal waters be murky indeed!
March 13, 2024, 9:51 am
Arrr mateys! The judge be sayin' to Donald Trump and his scurvy crew, "Six charges be walkin' the plank! But hold yer horses, we still be discussin' whether to send District Attorney Fani Willis to Davy Jones' locker. McAfee be holdin' court and makin' the law be known!"
March 12, 2024, 8:23 pm
Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be settin' sail for a second term as Democratic captain! He be aimin' to right the ship after the storm of the pandemic and the insurrection. With enough booty from Georgia, he be clinchin' the nomination and preparin' to face off with his predecessor once again. Aye, the seas be rough, but Biden be ready to navigate us through.
March 12, 2024, 8:21 pm
Arrr mateys! 'Tis a fine victory fer President Joe Biden as he be clinchin' the Democratic presidential nomination! 'Tis a race against former President Donald Trump, who be lookin' to secure the Republican nod soon. Biden be gatherin' 2,007 delegates, exceedin' the required 1,968 needed to win. Victory be his in Georgia at 8:15 p.m.!
March 12, 2024, 8:20 pm
Avast ye mateys! Former President Donald Trump be on his way to claimin' the title of GOP's presumptive nominee. He be gatherin' enough delegates to make it so during Tuesday's night primaries. He be settin' sail for Milwaukee in July to officially claim his bounty. Arrr!
March 12, 2024, 4:54 pm
Arr mateys! The NHS hath decreed that lads and lasses seeking ye olde gender clinics in the U.K. shall no longer be given the cursed puberty blockers! Only those brave enough to join clinical trials shall have access to such remedies. Aye, a wise decision indeed!
March 12, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrr! President Joe Biden be caught in a web of lies! 'Tis said he fibbed to special counsel Robert Hur about them classified documents. But fear not, for Hur be claimin' Biden's memory be as leaky as a rusty ol' ship! Looks like Biden be sailin' through these stormy waters with naught but a faulty memory to blame!
March 12, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks these House Republicans be doubting their chances of takin' down President Biden. Aye, 'tis a tough battle with a slim majority and fears of alienatin' the independents. They've made a good case, but the will to impeach be lackin'. Shiver me timbers!
March 12, 2024, 4:47 pm
Arr matey, the woes of Boeing be causin' a ruckus among the grand U.S. airlines! They be trimmin' their sails and holdin' back on recruitin' new crew as they be expectin' fewer Boeing ships to dock at their ports. Southwest be feelin' the pinch, with their shares takin' a dive in the market! Arrrr!
March 12, 2024, 9:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! The price o' gasoline be risin' faster than a sailor up the mast! This be causin' inflation to stay high, makin' it a rough sailin' for us landlubbers. The cost o' fuel and rent be cuttin' into our pockets, while food prices remain as steady as a drunken pirate on deck. The Labor Department be sayin' prices be up 3.2% from last year, aye, even higher than January! What be the core inflation rate, ye ask? Arrr, that be a mystery as deep as Davy Jones' locker!
March 12, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at the Federal Reserve be keepin' a keen eye on the rising inflation in February. They be holdin' off on lowerin' interest rates until at least the summer. The labor department be reportin' a 0.4% increase in the consumer price index, makin' it 3.2% higher than last year. Aye, the numbers be in line with expectations, but slightly ahead of the forecast. Excludin'...
March 12, 2024, 9:45 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at the Labor Department be spoutin' off about inflation risin' like the tide in February! The cost o' gasoline and rent be causin' a ruckus in the economy, makin' it harder to keep prices in check. Shiver me timbers!
March 12, 2024, 9:22 am
Arrr, ye scallywags Andrew and Tristan Tate be in a right mess! Caught in Romania and bein' dragged back to Britain for some alleged 'sexual aggression'. They be lookin' mighty miserable in their handcuffs, facin' the judge like two scared barnacles. The lasses be standin' up to 'em, demandin' justice for their foul deeds. Ahoy, what a tale to tell in the pirate's tavern!
March 11, 2024, 5:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! I be rememberin' from me days in college a wise crack: “Talkin' about religion and politics? Ye end up with politics.” Aye, 'tis true that politics be meddlin' in all aspects o' life. But why not ponder this - if politics be about organizin' society, can ye truly keep yer deepest beliefs from enterin' the fray? Ye be wonderin', indeed! Aye, "..."
March 11, 2024, 5:46 pm
Arrr, ye scoundrels at the Department of Veterans Affairs be actin' like a bunch of hornswogglin' bilge rats! They be creatin' a hostile work environment full of gossipin' and innuendo, coverin' up sexual harassment like a pack of scurvy dogs. It be a right mess, I tell ye!
March 11, 2024, 5:43 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Deadspin, the sporty scribblin' site, be plundered by a European crew and all hands be walkin' the plank on Monday. Aye, Jim Spanfeller, the big boss, sent a scroll to the bewildered crew. 'Tis a sad tale of woe for this sinkin' ship!
March 11, 2024, 5:42 pm
Arrr mateys, the 401(k) be pullin' double duty as a retirement treasure chest and a stash o' emergency doubloons for many landlubbers. Aye, even Vanguard Group be reportin' a record number o' scallywags takin' early withdrawals. Keep yer hands off yer nest egg, ye scurvy dogs!
March 11, 2024, 9:42 am
Ahoy mateys! The tale of "Oppenheimer," the yarn of Jewish physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer, plundered many a category at Sunday's Oscars. Aye, the Jewish crew be ruling the seas this year! But 'twas Jonathan Glazer who stole the treasure, speaking of the Israel-Hamas squabble in his acceptance speech. Aye, a bold move indeed!
March 11, 2024, 9:39 am
Avast ye scallywags! The scallywag director of a prize-winning flick about the Holocaust tried to belittle Israel at the Oscars. Jonathan Glazer, the swashbuckling scallywag, be tellin' tall tales 'bout Gaza! 'Twas a sight to behold, as he spat venom at Israel whilst clutchin' his shiny trophy. Arrr, what a scallywag!
March 11, 2024, 9:35 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywag Jonathan Glazer didst curse Israel's bombardment of Gaza whilst acceptin' the Academy Award for Best International Film. Aye, he be a rare breed among the award winners who had the guts to speak of the war in Gaza on stage. Aye, he be tellin' us to learn from the past and not be repeatin' the same mistakes. Let us beware the dangers of dehumanization, me hearties! Stand with me as we face the present!
March 11, 2024, 8:53 am
Arrr mateys! Russia be makin' a vast heap o' artillery munitions, leavin' the US and Europe in their wake. Looks like they be plannin' a grand ol' offensive in Ukraine soon! They be churnin' out 250,000 cannonballs a month, while we be left scratchin' our heads. Oh, the woes of bein' outgunned by them scallywags!
March 9, 2024, 2:46 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The former spy Ray McGovern be talkin' about the reasons behind Victoria Nuland bein' forced to walk the plank from her fancy position in the State Department. Her boss Blinken be makin' the announcement, but why now, ye may ask, when the ship be tryin' to keep sailin' steady? Arrr!
March 9, 2024, 2:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a glorious day indeed! Stocks be risin' like the tides, and even this thing called bitcoin be makin' waves. 'Tis all thanks to the whispers of artificial intelligence, hopes of lower interest rates, and the coveted bitcoin ETF approvals. Tech stocks be burnin' bright like a chest of gold, takin' the Nasdaq 100 to new heights and the S&P 500 sailin' past 5,000 for the first time. 'Tis a wild ride, me mateys!
March 9, 2024, 2:42 pm
Arr mateys! The US be joinin' other lands in droppin' aid into Gaza, aye, to help 'em in their plight. But be wary, for the UN and aid groups be doubtin' the effectiveness of these airdrops. On Friday, malfunctionin' parachutes caused quite the stir, arrr!
March 9, 2024, 4:04 am
Arrr, Shai Davidai, a scallywag of a professor at Columbia University, be under scrutiny by the university for speakin' out against antisemitism. He be cryin' foul play, claimin' the investigation be motivated by politics. But beware, me hearties, for the truth be as slippery as a fish on a hook.
March 9, 2024, 3:53 am
Avast ye mateys! The Biden crew be keepin' their program afloat, lettin' in a measly number of landlubbers from four distant lands. Aye, a federal judge be tellin' those scallywag Republican states to walk the plank, for they ain't got a leg to stand on. Into the U.S. they sail, these asylum-seekers from Cuba, Haiti, Nicaragua, and beyond! Arrr!
March 9, 2024, 3:51 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in Texas tried to scupper Biden's plan for them migrants from far-off lands! But the judge be havin' none of it, sayin' they lack the booty to be pursuin' such a lawsuit. Let the parley continue, mateys, and may the winds of justice blow in our favor!
March 9, 2024, 3:43 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Senate did pass a six-bill package to keep the government afloat 'til September. Aye, they narrowly avoided a shutdown! The crew voted 75 to 22, sendin' the bill to President Biden's desk 'fore midnight. Methinks the Republicans be makin' demands like a bunch of scallywags, slowin' things down. But fear not, for we have good news on the horizon! Biden be expected to sign the bill on Saturday, savin' us all from walkin' the plank.
March 8, 2024, 5:38 pm
Avast, me hearties! The cap'n Biden be sayin' that he be weighin' whether to engage in a debate with the scallywag Trump. He be lookin' to see if the bilge rat be actin' like a proper gentleman or a swashbucklin' scoundrel. Let the debate begin, ye landlubbers!
March 8, 2024, 5:36 pm
Arrr, the scallywags at the Pentagon be denyin' the rumors that the U.S. airdrops o' booty over Gaza be causin' harm to the landlubbers below! The aid packages be fallin' like cannonballs, strikin' down poor souls. But the officials be sayin' it be all a load o' bilge!
March 8, 2024, 5:32 pm
Arrr, the heartbroken mother of Georgia nursing student Laken Riley be cursin' President Biden for bunglin' her daughter's name during the State of Union speech - callin' him a pathetic landlubber for the slip. "Biden does not even know me child's name - it be pathetic!" Allyson Philips wrote on Friday, shiver me timbers! 'If ye be goin' to say her name (even when forced to do so) at least say the right name!' she insisted. The...
March 8, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag President Biden be givin' ByteDance a mere six moons to divest itself of TikTok afore his rival Trump be raisin' concerns 'bout bannin' the beloved app! The U.S. House o' Representatives be votin' next week on the crackdown bill, arrr! Aye, 'tis a fine jest indeed!
March 8, 2024, 11:32 am
Arr, President Joe Biden be walkin' on thin ice with his own crew for callin' the killin' of Laken Riley "illegal" during his grand speech. The scallywag Marjorie Taylor Greene be givin' him a piece of her mind as they sparred over immigration reform. Ahoy, what a show!
March 8, 2024, 11:23 am
Arr, 'twas a grand spectacle on Thursday eve as President Biden, the man with the microphone, held court at his State of the Union address. But the lawmakers donned their finest garb, scarves, signs, and badges, to make their political statements known. Aye, the chamber was filled with symbolism aplenty, from Republicans to Democrats, all a-squawkin' 'bout immigration, wars in Ukraine and Gaza, and even that scallywag Donald Trump. Keep a weather eye out for the standouts, me hearties!
March 8, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. Embassy be shoutin' from the rooftops about an "imminent" attack by scurvy extremists in Russia! Watch yer backs, me mateys, or ye might end up walkin' the plank! And beware them sneaky Islamic State villains plottin' in the shadows - they be more treacherous than a sea serpent! Aye, the seas be rough and the waters be murky, but fear not, for we pirates be ready to defend our booty at all costs!
March 8, 2024, 11:15 am
Avast ye mateys, over 400,000 feathered creatures hath been snared and scuppered in Cyprus this past autumn! The scallywags behind this wildlife crime be using decoys and trickery to lure in these fine feathered friends. 'Tis a plunderous tale indeed, arrr!
March 8, 2024, 1:34 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at Aldi be makin' a mighty fine investment of $9 billion to plunder 800 new stores across the U.S.! They be takin' over Winn-Dixie and Harveys Supermarket to fuel their expansion. Brace yourselves, mateys, for Aldi be comin' to a town near ye soon!
March 8, 2024, 1:22 am
Ye scurvy dogs from the Volcano Group be playin' with fire at Tesla's factory, leavin' it in darkness and causin' damages worth a king's ransom! The blazin' mast left 60,000 souls without power, raisin' a pirate's eyebrow on how to guard our treasures from these landlubber troublemakers. Arrr!
March 8, 2024, 1:19 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The former President Trump be disputin' the claims of the current President Biden about Ukraine, NATO, and the Capitol riot. Biden be warnin' of Putin's greed for more land, callin' on Congress to aid Ukraine. Methinks this be a tale fit for a jolly good laugh! Arrr!
March 8, 2024, 1:18 am
Donning a jolly red MAGA hat upon the fine deck of the U.S. House afore President Joe Biden's State of the Union, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia didst cause quite the commotion, breaking the rules of the land lubbers in the process. Methinks she be a pirate of the political seas! Arrr!
March 7, 2024, 5:27 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The United States be in dire need of more power as them data centers and clean-tech factories be multiplyin' like rabbits. The power grid be creakin' like an old ship in a storm. In Georgia, demand be skyrocketin' like a cannonball, and in Arizona Public Service be strugglin' to keep up. Arrrgh!
March 7, 2024, 5:17 pm
Avast ye mateys! A judge in Texas hath given a mighty blow to the Biden crew's discrimination ways! He be sayin' that a business aidin' agency can't be pickin' favorites based on skin color. Arrr, the seas be rough for the President's equity agenda! Judge Pittman be settin' the course for future federal programs, aye!
March 7, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arrr mateys, it be said that four in ten scallywag Republican voters think abortion should be legal in "all or most cases," as found in a newfangled poll. Among those landlubbers, 52% trust the GOP on the matter, while only 8% trust the Democratic scallywags. Thirty-three percent don't trust either party. In June, the Supreme Court overturned the famous Roe v. Wade case, endin' constitutional protections. Aye, tis a rum affair indeed!
March 7, 2024, 5:06 pm
Arrr mateys, TikTok hath declared war on the scurvy dogs in Washington! They be sending a message to all ye landlubbers to rally and call Congress to thwart a bill aimed at severing ties with China. It be a bold move, using their massive user base as a mighty weapon against the powers that be. Aye, these tech companies be playin' a dangerous game indeed!
March 7, 2024, 11:24 am
Arrr, me hearties! The struggles be real for families with wee little ones. From the plunderin' costs of diapers to findin' a trustworthy shipmate to watch the young scallywags, it be a harrowing journey. But fear not, for there be hope on the horizon with a new report showin' common ground among even the most quarrelsome buccaneers. Aye, there be light at the end of the treasure map!
March 7, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Governor Kathy Hochul be sendin' hundreds of National Guard swashbucklers to patrol the subway in New York City! 'Tis been met with much grumbling and grumbling from the landlubbers. Keep a weather eye on yer bags, lest ye be caught in the crossfire of this here skirmish!
March 7, 2024, 10:59 am
Arrr, me hearties! The good Gov. Kathy Hochul be callin' in the state National Guard to help keep the peace in New York City's subways. She be deployin' 750 scurvy dogs to search bags at train stations. Aye, anyone thinkin' of bringin' weapons better think twice, or face the wrath of the Guard! Arrr!
March 7, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, mateys! Donald Trump be warnin' America that his second term be full o' chaos and mayhem! He be snatchin' the Republican nomination from Nikki Haley, settin' the stage for a showdown with Joe Biden. Can ye believe the audacity of this scallywag tryin' to steal the presidency once again?
March 6, 2024, 5:30 pm
Arrr mateys! California Democrat Katie Porter be takin' a swing at Rep. Adam Schiff and them special interest scallywags after losin' the Senate primary! She be claimin' Schiff's crew spent a fortune spreadin' falsehoods and helpin' the Republican lad Steve Garvey win the race! Aye, 'tis a rough sea we sail upon!
March 6, 2024, 5:29 pm
Arrr, me hearties! A federal judge be givin' the ol' heave-ho to the Minority Business Development Agency, sayin' their favorin' of certain racial groups be as unlawful as a stolen treasure! The MBDA be walkin' the plank for their unconstitutional ways, aye!
March 6, 2024, 5:27 pm
Arrr! These scurvy columns be doubting Nikki Haley's quest for the presidency last year. But she found a reason, and reminded us that the Republican Party be not just a MAGA gang. She be suspending her campaign after landin' in Davy Jones' locker on Super Tuesday, lastin' longer than Ron DeSantis.
March 6, 2024, 5:26 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Democrat Joe Biden and Republican Donald Trump be fightin' tooth and nail to win over the supporters of Nikki Haley, a crew that could tip the scales in their favor. Haley be playin' hard to get, makin' them scallywags work for her endorsement. Yarrr, it be a fierce battle for the votes in Nevada, North Carolina, and Michigan! Aye, may the best pirate win!
March 6, 2024, 11:58 am
Arrr, me hearties! The 2024 election be shaping up to be a clash o' the titans, with Biden and Trump ready to battle it out once again. But will a third-party scallywag swoop in at the last minute? No Labels be feeling the heat to make a decision. Stay tuned for the next chapter in this political saga, me mateys!
March 6, 2024, 11:02 am
Arrr, me mateys! The plunderin' and pillagin' in Big Oil be spreadin' to Big Solar now. The solar scallywags be buyin' up projects left and right from their smaller rivals who be too impatient and poor to finish the job. 'Tis a wild ride on the high seas of renewable energy!
March 6, 2024, 11:00 am
Arr mateys, nearly 1,000 scallywags, state constables and MTA coppers be sailin' into the Big Apple's treacherous subway system to check the bags of those rowdy sea dogs! Joinin' forces with the NYPD, we be keepin' a weather eye on the city's busiest transit stations to thwart these vile attacks!"
March 6, 2024, 10:57 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis been brought to me attention that this scallywag, Shane Jones, hath lodged a complaint 'gainst the fine folks at Microsoft and their AI contraption, Copilot! He claims 'tis not safe, fer it be creatin' naughty images 'n such. Shiver me timbers! Aye, 'tis a strange world we sail in, indeed!
March 5, 2024, 7:00 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The scallywag Donald J. Trump be claimin' victory in Virginia, while President Biden be sweepin' the seas in North Carolina and Vermont. Methinks Nikki Haley be winnin' in Washington, D.C. Arrr, 'tis a political battle o' epic proportions!
March 5, 2024, 6:58 pm
Arrr mateys, 'tis a grand day indeed! Super Tuesday be upon us, with battles in 16 states and one territory for the ultimate prize of delegates. Joe Biden be sailing smoothly in North Carolina waters, while Donald Trump be plundering his way to victory in Virginia! Aye, the political seas be churning with excitement!
March 5, 2024, 6:57 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up, for on Tuesday, voters from lands far and wide be makin' their way to the polls in a grand spectacle of democracy. 'Tis a night that be determinin' the fate of many a candidate, with treasures aplenty up for grabs. Ye best believe the stakes be high on this Super Tuesday!
March 5, 2024, 4:06 pm
Arrr mateys, this year's presidential rumble be likened to a Thunderdome! Two scallywags be fightin' for the crown, but only one will be left standin' with his reputation intact. The loser be doomed to walk the plank of history, never to be forgotten. Ye be witnessin' a battle of political personalities, with Joe Biden and his rival returnin' for another round of the election sea shanty.
March 5, 2024, 4:04 pm
Avast ye mateys, Florida’s “Stop WOKE” Act be walkin' the plank after bein' ruled unconstitutional! The scallywags tried to ban mandatory diversity trainin', but the court said nay! Shiver me timbers, the First Amendment speaks louder than any landlubber law! Arrr!
March 5, 2024, 4:01 pm
Arrr mateys, the lass known as Gov. Katie Hobbs hath scuttled the plans o' those scurvy Republicans with her veto o' the Arizona Border Invasion Act. They be cryin' foul, but she be standin' strong against their anti-immigrant ways. Avast, the seas are choppy in the Grand Canyon State!
March 5, 2024, 3:59 pm
Arrr, ye scallywags at the International Criminal Court be issuin' warrants for Russian commanders over war crimes in Ukraine! Sergei Kobylash and Viktor Sokolov be in hot water, along with President Putin and his kin. But Russia be sayin' nay to the ICC - aye, good luck catchin' 'em!
March 5, 2024, 11:23 am
Arrr, President Joe Biden be settin' sail on a new mission to plunder the seas of unfair corporate pricing! With the help of the Federal Trade Commission and the Department of Justice, he be aimin' to bring justice to the high seas of the economy. Aye, let the battle begin!
March 5, 2024, 11:19 am
Arrr! The scallywags at YouTube Music be makin' a fuss, claimin' they've been tossed overboard mid-meetin' by the landlubbers in charge. Jack Benedict pleads his case to the council, only to be cut off by his mate Katie with the news. Aye, the drama be real on the high seas of employment!
March 5, 2024, 11:17 am
Arr mateys! The Chinese Premier Li Qiang hath spoken, stickin' to the same course for China's economic targets. No stimulus for ye scallywags! He be aimin' for 5 per cent growth, same as last year. The National People's Congress be in full swing, hearin' the Premier's words.
March 5, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags on Facebook and Instagram be havin' a grand ol' time gettin' kicked off the ship! DownDetector be hearin' from over 350,000 landlubbers complainin' 'bout Facebook, and 50,000 more bellyachin' 'bout Instagram! The Meta crew be too busy countin' their doubloons to respond! Aye, 'tis a fine mess indeed!
March 5, 2024, 5:47 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been revealed that two o' the three poor souls accused of bein' victims o' sexual assault by the New York Times were not! The spokesperson for the Kibbutz Be’eri be shoutin' from the crow's nest that the Times be talkin' nonsense. Har har!
March 5, 2024, 5:34 am
Arrr mateys! The scallywags in Joe Biden's crew have been caught red-handed smuggling migrants on secret flights into the good ol' U.S. of A! They be keepin' their lips sealed tighter than a treasure chest, claimin' it's a matter of national security. Looks like they be sailin' in some troubled waters, savvy?
March 5, 2024, 5:30 am
Arrr, ye scallywags! The UN crew be claimin' that them hostages in Gaza were treated to a bit o' sexual violence and torture, includin' rape! The scurvy dogs be sayin' the abuse be continuin', and that them Hamas rascals be guilty of gang rape when they attacked Israel. Israel be happy with the UN's findings, callin' out them crimes like true pirates! Arrr, what a world we be livin' in!
March 4, 2024, 9:04 pm
"Arr mateys, Donald Trump be winnin' the North Dakota Republican presidential caucuses on Monday, addin' to his loot of victories headin' into Super Tuesday. The former president be finishin' first, ahead of Nikki Haley. The result puts Trump back on the winnin' track, after a brief interruption by Haley on Sunday. The White House hopefuls now be settin' their sights on..."
March 4, 2024, 4:53 pm
Arrr mateys, listen up! Nearly 670 pounds of grub be walkin' the plank 'cause they may be carryin' a deadly allergen. M&P Production be in hot water fer mislabelin' their samsa products with sesame seeds. Aye, me hearties, always check yer labels or ye may be meetin' Davy Jones!
March 4, 2024, 4:51 pm
Arr matey! Democratic scallywag Jamie Raskin be claimin' they be craftin' a law to label former President Trump a rebel! But the high court be sayin' only Congress can enforce such plunder. Aye, the saga of Trump be never-ending!
March 4, 2024, 4:49 pm
Arrr mateys, the Biden scallywags be sendin' a professional activist on a grand adventure 'round the globe, preachin' about transgenderism and gender ideology, all on the backs of us taxpayers! From Australia to Brazil, this Jessica Stern be sailin' to Pride events as the State Department's Special Envoy for Human Rights of all them LGBTQI folks. She be boastin' she's the highest ranking lesbian lass, and gettin' paid a pretty penny for it too! Aye, what a plunderin' tale this be!
March 4, 2024, 4:48 pm
Arrr mateys! The United Nations scallywags be claiming that there be "reasonable grounds to believe" that the scoundrels from Hamas be committing heinous acts of sexual violence, including rape and gang rape, during their attack on Israel. The team led by U.N. special envoy Pramila Patten be sailin' to gather more information on these despicable deeds. Credible indeed!
March 4, 2024, 10:27 am
Arr, behold the fair city of Port-au-Prince, with its white-washed homes and shimmering bay. But beware, mateys, for ruthless gangs rule these streets, dividing the land into criminal fiefdoms. Tread carefully or ye may find yerself in a spot o' trouble, arrr!
March 4, 2024, 10:24 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Texas writer Steve Baker hath been caught in a pickle, accused of joining a mob's ruckus at the Capitol. Ye better believe he'll be walkin' the plank for his trespassin' and disorderly conduct! Here's hopin' he learns his lesson and keeps his mischief to himself next time! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 9:47 am
Arr mateys! The scurvy hackers have dealt a mighty blow to the health-care system, causing chaos among hospitals, doctor offices, and pharmacies. 'Tis a serious attack on the high seas of U.S. history, leaving many patients adrift without their precious health-care information. Yo ho ho, what a plunder!
March 4, 2024, 9:43 am
Arrr, ye scallywags at the European Commission be givin' Apple a hefty fine of 1.8 billion doubloons for playin' dirty in the music streaming market! They be makin' it hard for other app developers to offer cheaper services to us pirates on iOS. Walk the plank, Apple!
March 4, 2024, 4:56 am
Arr matey! 'Tis said that Hunter Biden be after some gold doubloons from a shady Ukrainian fellow, whilst his old man be in charge of the ship! Aye, 'tis a tale fit for the high seas, with twists and turns like a stormy night at sea! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 4:55 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Vice President Harris be talkin' tough to them landlubbers in Gaza and Hamas! She be demandin' more aid for the poor souls stuck in the besieged strip, tellin' them pirates to agree to a cease-fire or face the wrath of the Biden crew! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 4:50 am
Ye scurvy dogs from Europe and the U.S. be lookin' to snatch up that shiny Middle Eastern aluminium if the European Union be blockin' Russian metal! Prices be risin' faster than a cannonball in 2018 when Rusal got the ol' sanctions! The hunt for aluminium from places like the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain will have Western companies walkin' the plank with inflated costs in transport, packaging, and construction. Avast ye, aluminium be as precious as a treasure chest for these landlubbers! Arrr!
March 4, 2024, 4:03 am
Arrr mateys! The generous souls have gathered over $100,000 doubloons for a scallywag locked up in the US! This bloke, earning a measly 13 cents an hour scrubbing the deck in a California brig, be givin’ his treasure of $17.74 to help out them folks in Gaza. Aye, a true hero indeed! Last moon, a swashbucklin' filmmaker from Los Angeles, Justin Mashouf, shared snaps on the interwebs of this salty dog's time log and a parchment of $17.74 from the California department of... Pirates, unite for a good cause! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 8:32 am
Ye scurvy dogs! Over 100 landlubbers caught in the Jan. 6, 2021, ruckus at the Capitol may be gettin' a second chance at their punishment. The Court of Appeals be overturnin' them there enhancements! Larry R. Brock Jr. be the first to see the light of day. Aye, there be trouble brewin' for former president Donald...arrrr!
March 3, 2024, 8:31 am
Arrr! The court be tellin' the lower court to give Larry Brock a fair shake. They be sayin' his punishment be too harsh for his crimes. Aye, he may have caused a ruckus at the Capitol, but he didn't be interferin' with the administration of justice. Fair winds and following seas, Larry Brock!
March 3, 2024, 8:30 am
Avast ye scallywags! The federal appeals court in Washington be sayin' that some o' them criminal defendants from the Capitol riot got their sentences wrongly bumped up. Larry Brock be gettin' a break cuz his sentence included charges that didn't belong there. Cheers to Judge Millett for settin' things right! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 5:49 am
Avast, me hearties! The scallywag Trump be victorious in the Missouri, Idaho, and Michigan Republican presidential caucuses o'er that landlubber Haley. The Associated Press called his win in Missouri at 12:40 p.m. eastern time, and in Idaho at 6:58 p.m. eastern. The former president be on a roll! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 5:48 am
Avast ye scallywags! The mighty Donald Trump be triumphin' in the Republican caucuses in Michigan, Missouri, and Idaho! His opponents be walkin' the plank, fearin' for their political lives. The seas be rough, but Trump be sailin' smooth towards victory in November! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 5:47 am
Avast ye! Former Cap'n Donald Trump hath plundered the Missouri, Michigan, and Idaho Republican caucuses, snatchin' all the delegates in sight for his crew. Meanwhile, Nikki Haley be searchin' for her first victory like a lost treasure. Trump be rakin' in the doubloons with no sign of stoppin'! Arrr!
March 3, 2024, 4:14 am
Arrr! The scallywags at Parents Defending Education be takin' President Biden's Department of Education to court for keepin' secrets about their dealings with left-wing groups on gender matters. They be demandin' the truth, by way of the Freedom of Information Act! Yo ho ho!
March 2, 2024, 3:39 am
Arrr, mateys! The scallywags be not just battlin' to reveal the meddling of gender ideology activists in their young'uns' schools, but also their sway o'er the government hornswagglers lookin' to change the rules on sex discrimination! The Biden crew be keepin' their messages with these troublemakers under lock and key, no doubt hidin' some mighty fishy business! Arrr!
March 2, 2024, 3:36 am
Arrr mateys, ye hear the news? The governor of Moldova's Gagauzia be seekin' protection from none other than the mighty Vladimir Putin himself! She be accusin' the EU of oppressin' us pro-Kremlin folk. Arrr, 'tis a tale as old as time, me hearties!
March 2, 2024, 3:33 am
Arrr mateys! Elon Musk be settin' sail on a legal battle with those scallywags at OpenAI, claimin' they be forsakin' their mission for gold! Aye, the future of AI be hangin' in the balance as scholars and leaders parley about the fate of these technological treasures.
March 2, 2024, 1:40 am
Arrr mateys, the University of Florida be walkin' the plank on Friday by closin' its diversity department and sendin' all its DEI staff to Davy Jones' locker! They be scrapin' the barnacles off their ship to comply with some fancy regulation from the Florida Board of Governors. Avast ye, the Chief Diversity Officer be walkin' the plank too! 'Tis a mutiny on campus, all thanks to them scallywags in charge!
March 1, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr! Methinks Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez be callin' for a grand investigation into the highest court o' the land! If the Democrats be takin' back control, she be wantin' to plunder the Supreme Court for its lack o' ethics! Aye, the political games be afoot!
March 1, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arrr mateys, brace yerselves! Thousands o' California landlubbers be walkin' the plank as American National Group be pullin' up anchor and leavin' the state without coverage. They be joinin' the likes o' other scallywags abandonin' ship due to burnin' flames and high HOA booty. Farewell, ye policy holders, may ye find safe harbor elsewhere!
March 1, 2024, 5:55 pm
Avast, me hearties! Aye, at least 112 scallywags met their maker as they scurried about them lorries laden with grub in the wee hours of Thursday. Hundreds descended on the convoy as it made its way northward, with the Israeli navy in tow. 760 souls be wounded, by Davy Jones' locker! A tragic tale indeed! Arrr...
March 1, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arr mateys! Nvidia's treasure be worth over $2 trillion pieces of eight for the first time! Dell's report be like a gust of wind in our sails, sending Wall Street into a frenzy. Nvidia's stock be risin' like the tide after Dell's forecast. Dell's shares be flyin' high like a parrot on rum!
March 1, 2024, 11:25 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Them do-gooders and government scallywags be tryin' to deliver aid to Gaza, but them sneaky Israelis be blockin' their path like a landlubber in a storm! Disease and near-famine be runnin' wild in the besieged enclave, but them Israeli agency be throwin' up obstacles like a barnacle-covered ship! Aye, 'tis a right mess, says them humanitarian and government rats interviewed by CNN. Yarrr, it be like tryin' to navigate through a sea of contradictions and arbitrary rules! Aye, a pox on their houses, says I!
March 1, 2024, 11:22 am
Arrr, ye scallywags in the House be in a tizzy over Speaker Mike Johnson passin' another "clean" fundin' bill to avoid a shutdown. The swamp be swampin', the gold be flowin', and we be too afraid to wield our power! A weaker America awaits, me hearties!
March 1, 2024, 11:16 am
Arr matey, the judge in the Georgia election meddling trial be hearing final legal arguments this Friday on whether the lass Fani Willis should be removed from prosecuting for cozying up to another prosecutor on the case. The scallywags be claimin' her romantic tryst be causin' a...
March 1, 2024, 11:04 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a tale of treachery and political squabbles in the Michigan Republican Party! Two factions, led by Trump supporters, be at odds over who should be the state chair. Accusations of mismanagement and bankruptcy be flyin' like cannonballs! Aye, the political seas be rough indeed! Arrr!
March 1, 2024, 2:33 am
Avast ye mateys! President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump be sailin' to the southern border on Thursday, but the scallywags be hearin' different tales of the immigration woes. Brownsville and Eagle Pass be in fer a show as these two buccaneers be fightin' over who be the true hero of the land! Arrrgh!
February 29, 2024, 8:28 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Senate hath passed a measly short-term spending bill that be pushin' the threat of shutdown to a later date. Congress be scratchin' their heads on how to keep the government afloat for the rest o' the year. Aye, 'tis a tangled web they be weavin'!
February 29, 2024, 8:18 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks that scallywag Mitch McConnell be spillin' the beans to his mateys. The Democrats despise him for the court, and the Republicans be hatin' him for Trump. 'Tis a tough spot he be in, but at least he be makin' some sense of it all. Aye, he be a true sea dog in a sea of political chaos!
February 29, 2024, 8:14 pm
Arrr, mateys! The CEO Robert Jones be spillin' the beans on the popularity of Christian nationalism in Republican territories. When the Supreme Court be overturnin' Roe v. Wade, ye know the evangelical extremists be celebratin' like they found buried treasure! Aye, it be a wild ride on this ship of state, me hearties!
February 29, 2024, 11:41 am
Arr matey! The ship's doctor be sayin' that Cap'n Biden be fit as a fiddle and ready for battle! No scurvy or ailment be holdin' him back, just a touch o' arthritis in his ol' hip. Aye, the Cap'n be sailin' smooth seas for now.
February 29, 2024, 11:40 am
Arrr mateys, Joe Biden's ship's healer be sayin' he be fit for plunderin' and no new worries have been spied after his annual check-up. The old sea dog be carryin' out all his duties with no need for a parrot on his shoulder. "All's shipshape," says the captain himself.
February 29, 2024, 11:39 am
Arrr, Rep. Ronny Jackson (R-TX) be talkin' like a scallywag about President Joe Biden's physical! He be callin' it a "complete joke" and sayin' it be missin' part of the neurological exam. Jackson be sayin' the whole report be ridiculous and nothin' but the White House tryin' to cover their tracks! He even be givin' White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre a good tongue-lashin'!
February 29, 2024, 10:18 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Biden crew be on a quest to uncover the treacherous ways of them Chinese smart cars, tryin' to spy on us unsuspectin' American drivers! Time to hoist the sails and set course for regulatin' these technology scallywags before they plunder our personal information! Aye, China be plottin' to rule the high seas of the auto market with their unfair practices!
February 29, 2024, 3:19 am
Arrr mateys, those scallywags in Transnistria be cryin' to Putin for protection from Moldova's government! They be sailin' in murky waters, askin' fer the Kremlin's help to keep 'em safe from the EU's grasp. Ye best believe they be walkin' the plank if they ain't careful!
February 29, 2024, 3:16 am
Yarrr, the Google scallywag Sundar Pichai be talkin' 'bout upset over AI chatbot Gemini's political skew. "I apologize for the app's offensiveness and bias," says he. But we been seein' Google's bias since 2017, mateys! Time to walk the plank, Pichai! Arrr!
February 28, 2024, 5:41 pm
Arrr, when a scallywag in a middle school from one of America's vastest school districts be seekin' a medical gender transformation, the administrators knew just where to send 'em. Aye, they had formed an alliance with the biggest transgender youth clinic in the land just a moon ago. Emails be flyin' as the Los Angeles Unified School District sprang into action!
February 28, 2024, 5:40 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in Michigan be tellin' President Biden to "Listen to Michigan" in a grand protest vote! But even after speakin' with Arab and Muslim leaders, the president's crew be ignorin' the Democrats who be markin' themselves as "uncommitted" in opposition to his handling of the Israel-Hamas scuffle. Aye, the question be asked...
February 28, 2024, 5:39 pm
Arr mateys! The scallywags in New York's Democratic-controlled ship of legislators have passed a new map for the Congress after scuppering a less favorable one. The Independent Redistricting Commission's plan was thrown overboard on Monday, but the crafty Democrats have cooked up a new scheme to gain more treasure in November. Governor Hochul be likely to hoist the Jolly Roger on this new map soon! Arrr!
February 28, 2024, 5:33 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The mayor of New York City, Eric Adams, be wantin' to change the sanctuary laws to hand over scallywags suspected of major crimes to the federal immigration officials. Them Republicans be cheerin' like they found a chest of gold doubloons. Avast! It be a pirate's life in the Big Apple!
February 28, 2024, 10:33 am
Avast ye, me hearties! President Biden and former president Donald Trump be victorious in the primaries, but trouble be brewin' for both. The campaigns be in hot water with their own crews, but still be sailin' towards their nominations. Trump even be beatin' Nikki Haley by a wide margin, arrr!
February 28, 2024, 10:31 am
Avast ye scallywags! Bitcoin be on a mighty surge, surpassin' $60,000 doubloons fer the first time since November 2021. The flagship cryptocurrency be sailin' high at $61,064.20, a rise of 7%. It be aimin' fer the stars at $61,359.00, inchin' closer to its all-time high of $68,982.20. The market be abuzz with excitement, set on breakin' that record. Bitcoin be showin' no signs of slowin' down, with a 20% rise this week alone. Aye, the seas be rough but the treasure be plentiful! Arrrr!
February 28, 2024, 10:28 am
Avast ye scallywags! Franklin Graham be preachin' in Eagle Pass on Wednesday night, part of his grand evangelistic tour along the southern border. He swears he ain't talkin' politics, just sharin' the Good News with folks in need. It be a crisis, mateys, and it be growin'! Arrr!
February 28, 2024, 10:00 am
Arr, Justice Kavanaugh be warnin' us landlubbers about bein' prosecuted without even knowin' 'bout the ban! Be aware, me hearties, lest ye find yerself walkin' the plank without even realizin' it! Ye best keep a weather eye on them legal proclamations, or ye may find yerself in Davy Jones' locker afore ye know it!
February 28, 2024, 4:02 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis said that 280 million landlubbers rely on Google News, but methinks they be gettin' their news from a bunch o' biased bilge rats! AllSides Media be findin' that left-leaning scallywags be dominatin' the seas, while right-leaning scallywags be scarce as a pirate's treasure! Arrr!
February 27, 2024, 8:58 pm
February 27, 2024, 8:56 pm
Arrr mateys! Despite the scallywags tryin' to stir up trouble, President Joe Biden be walkin' the plank to victory in the Michigan Democratic primary! Aye, 'tis a wild ride in the swing state, with rumblings from the Muslim crew over his support for Israel. But fear not, for ol' Biden be sailin' on smoothly! Arrr!
February 27, 2024, 8:55 pm
Avast ye mateys! Former President Trump be triumphin' in the Michigan Republican Primary, claimin' more delegates and inchin' closer to securin' the GOP nomination. The press be projectin' his win as soon as the polls be closin'. Trump be dominatin' all the primaries and caucuses like a true sea dog. Arrr!
February 27, 2024, 5:03 am
Arrr, ye scallywag Smirnov be walkin' the plank to the brig fer makin' false accusations 'bout the Bidens takin' bribes! Judge Otis Wright be givin' him a taste of the salty sea air while awaitin' trial. The only thing Smirnov be collectin' is a heap of trouble!
February 27, 2024, 5:01 am
Arrr mateys! About 50 scallywags were thrown in the brig at NBC headquarters in New York City for raisin' a ruckus against President Biden's appearance on “Late Night with Seth Meyers,” as told by the protest group Jewish Voice for Peace. The group's crew took over 30 Rockefeller Center, demandin' a cease fire with signs blazin' “cease fire now” and “Jews to Biden: Stop Arming..." Avast ye, them landlubbers be makin' waves!
February 27, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr mateys, this scallywag from Houston eavesdropped on his wench's work-from-home chatter and used it to plunder over $1.7 million in a sneaky insider trading scheme. The scoundrel pleaded guilty to securities fraud and be forced to forfeit his ill-gotten gains. Justice be served, says I!
February 26, 2024, 5:31 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said the scurvy Biden crew snuck a Democrat spy into Fulton County to take aim at Cap'n Trump. If true, 'tis a scandalous interference in the 2024 election! The swashbucklin' scallywags at Breitbart keep their sources' identities under lock 'n key. Aye, the plot thickens!
February 25, 2024, 5:38 am
Arrr, me hearties! This wench Nikki Haley be a true South Carolinian through and through, never lost a battle on her home turf. But alas, in the upcoming presidential primary, she be facing a fierce storm of opposition from the four corners of the state. Yarrr, 'tis a tricky situation, indeed!
February 25, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr mateys, with the Republican primary in South Carolina on Saturday, all be watchin' former governor Nikki Haley as she battles her former matey Donald Trump. Despite losin' in her own territory, Haley be swearin' to keep fightin' on. Onward to the political seas, we go!
February 25, 2024, 4:51 am
Arr, me hearties! The gathering at the Conservative Political Action Conference be teemin' with guests from lands far and wide, includin' two presidents and a former prime minister! Nigel Farage, a true veteran of CPACS, be gettin' a grand reception and be the life of the party. "We need strong leaders," he bellows, "we..." Aye, the seas be rough, but with leaders like Farage, we be sailin' smooth!
February 25, 2024, 4:48 am
Arrr mateys, it be said that the rice we scallywags be sendin' to Haiti be tainted with deadly poisons! Aye, the scurvy University of Michigan has found arsenic and cadmium in the grub we be sellin'. 'Tis a treacherous deed, feedin' our foes such foul fare. Beware, ye landlubbers!
February 24, 2024, 5:52 am
Arrr, the House Judiciary Committee be sendin' a missive to CBS News, demandin' records 'bout the unfair dismissal o' journalist Catherine Herridge. Accusations be flyin' 'bout her belongings bein' seized like a ship in a storm. The committee be wantin' a proper briefing from CBS News President Ingrid Ciprian-Matthews. Aye, it be a scandal o' grand proportions!
February 23, 2024, 5:08 pm
Arr matey, there be no rumbling of a pro-life crusade against the curious concoction of in vitro fertilization! IVF has always had its doubters amongst the pro-life crew, but even they be too busy swabbing the decks to take up arms against it. Aye, let us sail on without a care for this recent legal squabble in Alabama! Arrrr!
February 23, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Sen. J.D. Vance be shoutin' from the crow's nest about breakin' up Google, callin' them a "progressive technology company" with a grip on information tighter than a kraken's tentacle! It be time to hoist the Jolly Roger and plunder their digital treasure! Aye, it be a battle worth fightin'!
February 23, 2024, 5:02 pm
Arrr mateys! Google be in hot water o'er its AI product's discrimination. The scallywags at The Daily Wire found emails showin' anti-Semitic incidents on their ship, includin' "kill all jews" on the head, and a Jewish crew member bein' attacked by anti-Israel landlubbers. Shiver me timbers!
February 23, 2024, 5:01 pm
Arrr! The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, be caught off guard by Armenia's decision to suspend its membership in the Collective Security Treaty Organization! Aye, the Armenian Prime Minister, Nikol Pashinyan, be makin' waves by leavin' this crucial military alliance for Moscow. Putin be feelin' the sting of betrayal, me hearties! Arrr!
February 23, 2024, 11:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! Those scallywags in the House o' Republicans be talkin' a big game about puttin' an end to them end-o'-year spendin' bills, but they be stuck like barnacles on a ship's hull. Three stopgap bills later and they still be squabblin' like a bunch o' landlubbers. Aye, it be lookin' like passin' all 12 o' them annual spendin' bills be as likely as findin' buried treasure without a map. House Speaker Mike Johnson and his crew o' archconservatives be sailin' in circles, me thinks! Arrr, time to walk the plank, mates!
February 23, 2024, 11:46 am
Arrr, me hearties! Congress be sailin' towards a pair of government fundin' deadlines, with just a week left 'til a potential partial shutdown. The scallywags be at an impasse, no clear plan in sight! On Friday, the government be preparin' for a shutdown, releasin' guidance to the agencies. Aye, the seas be choppy ahead!
February 23, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye mateys! The scallywags in charge be scramblin' to make a deal on government loot before the deadline is upon us. Congress be returnin' next week facin' deadlines like a pirate facin' a hungry kraken. Time be runnin' out faster than a sailor huntin' for buried treasure. Let's hope they can navigate these treacherous waters, arrr!
February 23, 2024, 10:53 am
Arrr, me hearties! House Republicans and GOP scallywags be havin' a quarrel with the Alabama Supreme Court over frozen embryos bein' labeled as wee children. This ruling be causin' in vitro fertilization to come to a screechin' halt. Could this be the end of the line for these landlubbers in the upcoming election? Only time will tell, me buckos!
February 22, 2024, 6:02 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The Alabama Supreme Court be grantin' legal personhood to frozen embryos! This decision be causin' a great kerfuffle amongst the conservatives, makin' it harder for them to win over the suburban lasses and others who be wary of abortion bans. 'Tis a sticky wicket indeed, me mateys!
February 22, 2024, 6:00 pm
Arrr, them scallywag Republicans be raisin' doubts o'er the Alabama Supreme Court's ruling o' last week! Democrats be blamin' the overturnin' o' Roe v. Wade on the right, makin' it hard for the GOP to navigate the treacherous waters o' reproductive healthcare. The ruling be causin' chaos in medical clinics, with IVF treatments on hold. Oh, the plunderin' and pillagin' that be happenin'!
February 22, 2024, 5:58 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags known as Republicans be in a right pickle over this new abortion hoopla! Now they be dealin' with frozen embryos bein' called children in Alabama! Shiver me timbers, what a mess they be in for the 2024 election!
February 22, 2024, 5:14 pm
Arrr mateys, it be told that near half of the scallywags with college degrees be findin' themselves in jobs that don't require their fancy parchment. This study, tracking the paths of over 10 million landlubbers, shows that 52% be wastin' away their skills and credentials on the high seas of underemployment. Aye, a cruel fate indeed for these poor souls!
February 20, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arrr matey! Nearly 7.3 million scurvy dogs have crossed the southwest border under President Biden's watch! That be more than the population of 36 individual states! If this trend continues, come fiscal year 2024 we'll have more stowaways than a ship full of rum! Aye, ye better batten down the hatches!
February 20, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr mateys, ye won't believe the nonsense forced upon us criminal investigators by the scurvy IRS! They be preachin' about diversity, equity, and includin' all while pushin' the death of whiteness! Aye, 'tis a load of bilge water from a transgender professor! A pox on their house!
February 20, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arrr, be it a crime to plunder knowledge from a copyrighted tome? What if ye be tellin' yer matey the tale or scribblin' it on the digital seas? 'Tis legal for a person, but what say ye when 'tis a fancy AI? Sarah Silverman be raisin' the Jolly Roger against OpenAI for sailin' in these murky waters.
February 20, 2024, 5:47 pm
Arrr! Ye scurvy dogs best be listenin' up! The U.S. be plannin' to strike a blow against Russia fer the fall o' Navalny and the Ukraine scuffle! Biden be keepin' mum on the details, but best believe the sanctions be aimed at their defenses and treasures! Aye, watch yer backs, Russia!
February 19, 2024, 11:07 am
Arrr, ye scallywags be hearin' that the U.S. President Biden be takin' it easy on cuttin' the emissions from tailpipes and pushin' electric vehicles like a savvy sailor! Aye, the seas be turnin' greener, me hearties!
February 19, 2024, 11:05 am
Avast ye scallywags! China be overrun with portly landlubbers, seekin' potions to shed their excess ballast. A treacherous market of smugglers and buyers be thrivin', sneakin' 'round the laws to get their hands on Ozempic. 'Tis meant for the sugar sickness, but bein' hailed as a miracle weight-loss elixir! Arrr!
February 19, 2024, 11:01 am
Arr, me hearties! The scallywag John Oliver be offerin' a grand sum o' $1m yearly and a $2m tour bus to old Clarence Thomas if he be givin' up his post on the US supreme court. Aye, 'twas a bold move made on Sunday's episode o' Last Week Tonight. Will the judge take the booty or walk the plank?
February 19, 2024, 10:55 am
Arrr, me hearties! Amazon.com be joinin' forces with Elon Musk's SpaceX and Trader Joe's in protestin' the NLRB's enforcement proceedings! They be claimin' 'tis unconstitutional, denyin' their right to a jury trial! The company be shoutin' for justice and fair play on the seven seas!
February 18, 2024, 6:10 pm
Avast, me hearties! On Thursday, the Biden crew be announcin' a grand plan to forgive the debts of landlubbers who be strugglin' to pay their student loans, callin' it "hardship." If ye be showin' yer total debt be too much for yer measly income and ye be payin' too much for healin' or younglings, ye might just be seein' some o' yer debts disappearin'. Aye, 'tis a grand plan, indeed!
February 18, 2024, 6:08 pm
Avast ye scallywags! What befall when ye dreams of riches clash with cruel reality? Jane Austen's tale of Sense and Sensibility be tellin' the tale of two lasses: the level-headed Elinor Dashwood and her fiery sister Marianne. 'Tis a battle betwixt sense and passion, good manners and lust, the noggin' versus the heart (or the hormones). Arrr, more recently, a duo...
February 18, 2024, 6:05 pm
Arrr mateys, Rep. Rashida Tlaib be tellin' dem Democrats in Dearborn to vote against Cap'n Joe Biden! "If ye want us to be louder, then come hither and vote uncommitted," she says. Join the scallywags in Michigan and vote "uncommitted" on Feb. 27, savvy? Arrr!
February 18, 2024, 9:56 am
Avast ye scallywags! The mighty tech companies be banding together to fight the treacherous use of artificial intelligence in the upcoming elections! Arrr! Google, Meta, Amazon, and Adobe be joinin' forces to sniff out them AI-generated lies. Let's sail forth and protect the digital seas from deception!
February 18, 2024, 9:49 am
Arrr, me hearties! A band of 20 tech scallywags be joinin' forces to battle the deceptive AI content tryin' to mess with elections 'round the world this year. The fears be real, mateys, as this newfangled technology be creatin' all sorts o' mischief. Keep a weather eye out, me buckos!
February 18, 2024, 9:46 am
Arrr mateys, listen up! The scallywags at the White House be pressurin' us tech companies to swab the deck of them cursed deepfakes! The likes o' Google, Meta, and TikTok be joinin' forces to sniff out and debunk these election shenanigans. Let's show 'em we mean business, arrr!
February 18, 2024, 8:31 am
Avast ye mateys! The library be closed! Aye, 'tis true - no more plunderin' of books be allowed. The scallywags and ruffians have run amok, engagin' in debauchery and mischief. But fear not, for the library be workin' to set things right. Batten down the hatches and stay tuned for updates, ye landlubbers! Arrr!
February 17, 2024, 9:06 am
Arr matey, Ukraine be fleein' from Avdiivka like scurvy dogs abandonin' ship! The Russian scallywags be givin' 'em a right good thrashin'. General Syrsky be sayin' it be too risky to stay, so they be scarperin' to find a safer spot. On to the next battle, me hearties!
February 17, 2024, 9:04 am
Yarrr mateys, them Ukrainian scallywags be retreating from Avdiivka like rats fleein' a sinking ship! 'Tis a pity they be runnin' low on ammunition, but fear not, for help be on the way...eventually. Let's hope they be holdin' out long enough for that aid to come sailin' in! Arrr!
February 17, 2024, 9:01 am
Arr, me hearties! The Ukrainian scallywags be retreating from Avdiivka, leavin' the town ripe for the Russian buccaneers to swoop in! With their cannons runnin' low on shot and powder, they be prayin' for American reinforcements to come through. Let's hope they don't end up walkin' the plank!
February 17, 2024, 8:13 am
Arrr, hear ye, hear ye! 'Tis reported by the ABC that two scallywag youngsters have been accused in connection with the chaos at the Kansas City Chiefs' Super Bowl celebration! One poor soul be lost, and 22 be wounded. The scoundrels be held in the Juvenile Detention Center, facing charges of gun-wielding and resisting capture. More charges be on the horizon, mark my words!
February 17, 2024, 5:22 am
Arrr mateys, a bunch o' scallywags in the House be tryin' t' get the ol' military aid ship back on course for Israel, Ukraine, an' Taiwan. They be throwin' in Trump's border security ideas for good measure. But them landlubbers in the Senate be blockin' their path, leavin' the fate of aid for Ukraine in a perilous state. Aye, the struggle be real in Congress, me hearties!
February 17, 2024, 5:20 am
Arrr! Ye scallywags won't be seein' them scandalous messages 'bout when Georgia District Attorney Fani Willis started her dalliance with Nathan Wade in court. Judge McAfee be sayin' they can't be used as evidence in the Trump fraud case. 'Tis a blow to the former president's cause, mateys!
February 17, 2024, 5:16 am
Arrr mateys, listen well! The Arizona House Rules Committee be chattin' about a law to keep cities from skimpin' on their pirate protectors. Rep. David Marshall be the scallywag behind this House Bill 2120, already passin' ye House committee in a close vote. So beware, no cuttin' corners on the booty for yer local police!
February 17, 2024, 5:15 am
Arr, me hearties! The Ukrainian President be offerin' to take that scallywag Trump to see the damage done by the Russian invasion! Will the landlubber have the courage to face the front lines, or will he be too chicken to accept the challenge? Only time will tell, mateys!
February 16, 2024, 5:56 pm
Arr, me hearties! The likes of President Biden be shiverin' in their boots, fearin' a victorious return of Donald Trump. They be plannin' to install "roadblocks" to hinder his power to dismiss many a government worker. The Associated Press claims a crew o' left-leaning experts be advisin' Biden to brace himself fer another Trump reign in 2025. Blimey!
February 16, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Listen up, ye scurvy dogs! Them Americans bein' exposed to a foul chemical in their oat-based grub, like Cheerios and Quaker Oats, savvy? A new study says it can bring harm to their babymakers and wee ones. The Environmental Working Group (EWG) found that 80% of them landlubbers tested positive for a dangerous substance called chlormequat, aye! It be linked to troubles in fertility, tiny folks' growth, and even the bloom of youth bein' delayed. This chlormequat, aye, be a nasty "agricultural chemical" used to mess with a plant's growth, so beware, ye landlubbers!
February 16, 2024, 5:53 pm
Arr, the grand efforts of the Republican scallywags to impeach President Joe Biden be a-splinterin' to pieces! Forsooth, the indictment of a vital witness in the House Oversight Committee's investigation, led by the honorable James Comer, be causin' quite the stir. The Democrats be hurlin' fierce criticism at Comer, demandin' an end to this impeachment folly. 'Tis all due to the charges brought forth by Special Counsel David Weiss against a certain Alexander Smirnov, a miscreant of 43 years, who be accused of tellin' falsehoods and creatin' counterfeit records regarding the business affairs of our dear Joe Biden... Arr, the plot thickens!
February 16, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arr, mateys! The cursed National Association of Realtors found themselves in Davy Jones' locker when a jury in Kansas City bequeathed them a staggering $1.8 billion, reckonin' they be inflatin' home-sales fees. But the tale don't end there, me hearties! Them scallywags face a whole crew of copycat lawsuits and the wrath of federal regulators be upon 'em. Aye, the winds be rough for this brokerage...
February 16, 2024, 11:35 am
Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis a sad tale we tell. That rascal Russian rebel, Alexey Navalny, hath met his fate. Collapsed and unconscious he became in a frigid penal colony, far beyond the Arctic Circle. The prison service be claimin' he be dead. Arrr, 'tis a sorry end indeed!
February 16, 2024, 11:31 am
Arrr, word be spreadin' that one o' the landlubbers held in custody after the Kansas City Chiefs' celebratory shootin' has been set free. Aye, 'twas a wee scallywag, but the coppers reckon they be not involved in the gruesome affair. Two more young'uns still be locked away, though.
February 16, 2024, 11:21 am
Avast ye hearties! A thunderous report be tellin' us that them scurvy dogs of the plastics industry have been spoutin' lies for eons 'bout recyclin' plastic! They be pushin' reuse like a slick-tongued snake, while knowin' full well that recyclin' be near impossible. Aye, they be pilin' up the plastic waste, makin' the world walk the plank! The Center for Climate Integrity be sayin', "Arrr, they be sellin' plastic recyclin' to the American public, just to sell more plastic!"
February 16, 2024, 11:07 am
Arr, hear ye! Sen. Joe Manchin of the land o' West Virginia, be makin' it known today that he won't be settin' sail on a presidential voyage. No third-party adventure for him, me hearties! He made his declaration whilst speakin' at West Virginia University.
February 15, 2024, 7:24 pm
Avast, me hearties! Cap'n Vladimir Putin be speakin' of his preference fer Cap'n Joe Biden to keep the helm o' the United States ship for a second voyage. He be reckonin' Biden be havin' more savvy 'n be easier to reckon with than ol' Cap'n Donald Trump, despite their differences in policy. Arrr, 'tis rare praise indeed from the Cap'n!"
February 15, 2024, 7:20 pm
Avast ye, me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be claimin' that 'twas a "compliment" when ol' Vladimir Putin said he'd rather see me rival, Cap'n Joe Biden, win in November. Whilst speakin' to me loyal crew in North Charleston, South Carolina, the Cap'n boasted 'bout accomplishin' "amazing" feats if he be winnin' again, like settlin' the scuffle betwixt Russia and Ukraine in a blink o' an eye. "President Putin of Russia has just..."
February 15, 2024, 7:19 pm
Avast ye landlubbers! The Russian Cap'n, Vladimir Putin, be makin' a curious choice fer the next US presidential election. He be claimin' he'd rather sail with the likes of "predictable" Joe Biden than the scallywag Donald Trump, who's been showerin' Putin with compliments. Arrr, Putin said, "Biden be a seasoned matey, a politician from another era." But fear not, me hearties, Putin be willin' to parley wit' any president who gains the trust of the American scallywags. Be it true that Russia has been accused of meddlin'..."
February 15, 2024, 7:00 pm
Arr, the sparks be flyin' in a Fulton County, Georgia, courtroom Thursday afternoon! The fierce Fulton County District Attorney, Fani Willis, be takin' the stand to testify 'gainst allegations of an "improper" affair with special prosecutor Nathan Wade! This scandalous affair might just ruin her case 'gainst the mighty former President Trump, mateys! In a moment o' high tension, Willis be asked by a Trump lawyer, Ashley Merchant, if she had any "proof" she be reimbursin' Wade for vacations, as the payments were made in cold, hard cash. "The testimony..."
February 15, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arr, matey! Israel be stuck betwixt Davy Jones' locker and a hard place, ye see. If they be lettin' Rafah and its scurvy terrorist crew slip through their grasp, their foes would be dancin' a jig and might fancy a crack at 'em in the days to come, from all corners like Tehran, Southern Lebanon, Damascus, Ramallah, or Gaza City, by Blackbeard's beard! All them brave souls lost in battle would've been fer naught if them scallywags of Hamas were to make a comeback and be hailed as the conquerors. The poor Israeli folk be shakin' in their boots, I tell ye...
February 15, 2024, 5:50 pm
Arrr, fer many moons, whenever I sailed to Gaza to visit me kin, I ventured through the treacherous Rafah crossing, the cursed border betwixt the besieged Gaza Strip and Egypt. And with every gulp o' air in the border town o' Rafah, me mind be reminded o' me dear sister Taghreed's words: "I be inhaling the scent of the history o' me land." Her eyes would sparkle with pride as she spoke o' Rafah, and I be sharin' the same feelin'. The history o' this passageway stretches back fer thousands o' years, a testament to the bountiful treasures it beard.
February 15, 2024, 5:47 pm
Avast ye! Have ye noticed how it be always seen as a matter of mercy to let these scurvy dogs, Hamas, continue to thrive? The diplomatic scuffle be pressin' Israel to stay clear of Rafah, the last fortress of these bilge rats. The likes of Hezbollah be rampin' up their assaults, with daily warnings from the White House, Europe, the Middle East, and even the United Nations-NGO lot. Their claim be that there be too many landlubbers in Rafah, so Israel can't take on the scoundrels hidden among 'em. 'Tis the heart and soul of Hamas's military... Arrgh!
February 15, 2024, 3:22 pm
Arr, mateys! The scurvy dogs at the White House be confessin' that Russia has got hold of a vexing weapon to poke at them satellites, aye! But fear not, me hearties, for it can't be bringin' down any physical harm on our dear Earth. Their intelligence chaps be sayin' it ain't ready for action just yet. The Yanks be studyin' this technobabble and gabbin' with their mates, tryin' to figure out what to do about it, arrr!
February 15, 2024, 11:18 am
Arr, there be word o' Russia's desire to send a nuclear weapon into the great expanse, mayhaps to take aim at them satellites! This news be raisin' questions 'bout their intentions and the consequences of such a celestial explosion. The Treaty o' 1967, signed by Russia, the U.S., and many others, be claimin' that no weapons o' mass destruction, like nuclear arms, be allowed in outer space. Aye, but we wonder, what be Russia plannin' to do?
February 15, 2024, 11:17 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! What be this space-based weapon o' nuclear prowess that th' United States be warnin' Congress 'n our mates in Europe about? Arr, 'tis a mystery, ye see! But if them Russkies be threatenin' our satellites, 'tis sure to be a devilish trouble. Messin' with communication, spyin', intelligence, 'n control - shiver me timbers! Methinks Russia be goin' overboard with their nuclear antics!
February 15, 2024, 11:15 am
Arrr, me hearties! The fine lads 'n lasses o' the U.S. be sendin' multiple fancy satellites into the great beyond, savvy? Just as the sun be settin', fears started circulatin' about Russia's space weapons. But fear not, for Elon Musk's SpaceX be takin' charge! Six satellites be launchin' forth, two o' which be belongin' to the U.S. Missile Defense Agency, and four t' the Space Development Agency. The MDA's mighty Hypersonic and Ballistic Tracking Space Sensor (HBTSS) be part o' this grand venture... Yo ho ho!
February 15, 2024, 10:57 am
Avast ye, me hearties! Immigration and Customs Enforcement be makin' plans to reduce their holdin' capacity and set free a bunch o' immigrants, says a bird familiar with the plan. This be 'cause ICE be facin' a dire shortage o' gold due to them lazy scallywags in Congress. The Department o' Homeland Security be strugglin' with a swarm o' migrants at the US-Mexico border, makin' 'em walk the plank when it comes to resources!
February 15, 2024, 5:07 am
Arrr! California be havin' mighty plans fer ethnic studies! By 2025, the state's public high schools - 'bout 1,600 of 'em - must be teachin' the subject. By 2030, no scallywag be gettin' outta high school 'less they be learnin' it. Fer them fancy policymakers, the goal be to give California students, 80 percent o' whom be nonwhite, the chance to study a vast array o' diverse cultures. There be research showin' that ethnic studies classes can be raisin' the grades and attendance o' lads and lasses at risk o' droppin' out. But even in a...
February 15, 2024, 5:05 am
Avast ye hearties! Two lawsuits for piratin' of copyrights against OpenAI be thrown overboard! The jesters Sarah Silverman and Paul Tremblay be claimin' that OpenAI be pilferin' their books to train their cursed AI, ChatGPT. But a wise judge in California be sayin' nay to most of their claims.
February 14, 2024, 4:30 pm
Avast ye scallywags! Aye, 'tis with a heavy heart that I report a dastardly incident at the Super Bowl victory parade for them Kansas City Chiefs! A fearsome shooting did occur, leaving at least 10 poor souls injured. The treacherous act took place near Union Station, right at the end of the festivities. Fear not, for the brave lads of the Kansas City Fire Department have tended to the wounded. And hark! The cunning dogs of the Kansas City Police Department have apprehended two armed rascals! 'Tis a dark day, but justice shall prevail!
February 14, 2024, 4:29 pm
Yarrr! Avast ye hearties! A landlubber's folly in Kansas City, Missouri! A shooting hath occurred after the grand parade and jollification for the Chiefs' Super Bowl triumph. One soul hath gone to Davy Jones' locker, whilst nine others be injured. Three be in dire straits, five be in a sorry state, but one be fortunate to escape with but a scratch. The skirmish took place west of Union Station, near the garage, as loyal Chiefs enthusiasts be departing. Two armed rascals be captured, say the Kansas...
February 14, 2024, 4:27 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A mighty brawl broke out in downtown Kansas City 'pon Wednesday afternoon, right near Union Station where the victorious Kansas City Chiefs celebrated their Super Bowl win. A sly rogue fired shots from a nearby garage, causin' a ruckus! The local constables be urg'n folks to flee the scene, whilst the brave Battalion Chief Michael Hopkins of the Fire Department tended to the wounded souls. Arrr, what a day it be!
February 14, 2024, 3:53 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! With but a mere fortnight till the South Carolina Republican primary, word has reached me that the former governor and U.N. ambassador, Nikki Haley, be in dire straits. A new poll reveals that she be trailin' that scallywag former president, Donald Trump, by a mighty 36 points in her very own homeland. A paltry 29 percent of likely Republican voters be standin' by Haley, whilst a swashbucklin' 65 percent be throwin' their support behind Trump. This news be as predictable as the tide, matchin' the latest FiveThirtyEight polling results with uncanny precision. Arrr, the winds do not favor Haley, me hearties!
February 14, 2024, 11:15 am
Aye, me hearties! When yer scallywags from the same ship be runnin' both Congress and the White House, tis a cakewalk to pass yer decrees. Just like them Democrats did in the year 2021, usin' their trickery to sneak past the Senate's tie and pass the bloated American Rescue Plan Act, worth a hefty $2 trillion! Yet, when it be a ship with a split crew, with them Republicans holdin' the House while the other rapscallions control the Senate and the White House, things be different, me mateys...
February 14, 2024, 11:03 am
Splitting a vast stretch o' golden sand, the Huntington Beach pier calls fer visitors and wave riders alike, creatin' a gap in the swells that earns the city its moniker: Surf City, USA. 'Tis a sight as relaxed as its title implies - a stark contrast to the political quarrels eruptin' from City Hall just a wee jaunt inland. Since a crew o' conservative scallywags commandeered the Huntington Beach City Council a bit over a year ago, they've been pursuin' an agenda that sails in line with the...
February 14, 2024, 10:56 am
Arrr, mateys! 'Tis said that Yale be ponderin' the resurrection o' standardized testin' t' be sailin' alongside Dartmouth College! Aye, 'tis a grand shift in the winds of higher education admissions, makin' them question their very foundations, har har!
February 14, 2024, 10:54 am
Arr, last week in downtown Baghdad, the Pentagon did scuttle the life of a scurvy dog, a leader of the Kataib Hezbollah, usin' a weapon with six long blades to shred him to pieces and protect innocent souls, says the lads at defense. This modified Hellfire missile, known as "the flying Ginsu" among our fine military, be resemblin' them popular knives from the 70s infomercials. It was aimed at Abu Baqr al-Saadi, the head of Kataib Hezbollah in Syria. The Yanks do be crafty, aye...
February 13, 2024, 9:45 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Tom Suozzi, a former swashbuckling Democrat, be victorrrrious in a closely watched special House election in New York. Arrr, he be narrrrowing the Republican majority in Washington and givin' his party a grand playbook for November. His triumph in Queens and Long Island avenged a year of humiliation from that scallywag George Santos. 'Tis a fine day indeed, as we stop the Republican scurvy from takin' every major election on Long Island since...
February 13, 2024, 9:44 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye, for the Democrats have done the impossible! They've turned the tide and snatched a congressional seat from the GOP scallywags in New York! Those Republicans be sailin' in troubled waters with their immigration attacks, but the Democrats fought 'em off, by Jove! Former U.S. Representative Tom Suozzi, the bold buccaneer, be reclaimin' his House seat in New York's 3rd Congressional District, with a hearty 58.7 percent of the vote. Poor Republican Mazi Pilip be walkin' the plank with just 41.3 percent. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
February 13, 2024, 9:42 pm
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! Tom Suozzi, a democratic swashbuckler, hath won the special election to replace George Santos, a former Rep. in the grand land o' New York's 3rd Congressional District. This be a mighty blow to them House Republicans, leaving 'em with only two seats to their name. The Associated Press hath declared Suozzi the victor, with a lead of 17.4 points and 52% o' the votes counted. 'Tis the end of a fierce battle on the campaign trail, me hearties…
February 13, 2024, 8:18 pm
At the end o' Joe Biden's sudden press gathering last week, where th' president, in a peculiar manner, tried to ease worries 'bout his elderly state by exhibitin' all th' signs ye'd expect from an old salt, he staggered back to th' pulpit fer one final jab at Israel. Biden had th' audacity to claim that th' Jewish land's battle against Hamas in Gaza be a bit too much, ye see. He blathered, "I be pushin' with all me might to broker this truce with th' captors," and added that he...
February 13, 2024, 3:50 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the Democratic crew be sailin' a ship of folly! They be believin' in a Scooby-Dooism, hopin' that by shoutin' and hollerin' enough, ol' Joe Biden won't be seen as too ancient to rule these United States. But nay, me hearties! We all know this be a fool's errand. The Democrats be dreamin' if they think they can...
February 13, 2024, 3:48 pm
Arrr, me hearties! The swashbucklin' crew of Joe Biden be aware in 2020 that his age be a worry for the landlubbers, but they cleverly painted him as a capable captain who'd bring order to the White House after that rascal Donald Trump. But now that Biden be 81, them opinion polls be showin' that voters be even more concerned 'bout his age afore the November election. While in office, Biden's walk be stiffer, he be slower on his peg legs, and he be makin' a mess o' words durin' his speeches, sometimes mixin' up the names of them world leaders...
February 13, 2024, 3:47 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Methinks them Democrats be needin' a wake-up call, by Davy Jones' locker! The stakes be too high for us to be indulgin' in denial, self-deception, and illusions, like a scurvy pirate with his head stuck in a barrel of rum. Aye, reality be our mighty weapon, our stout shield. Only ignorin' it can bring us doom! Arrggh! This report from Special Counsel Robert Hur, describin' President Joe Biden as a sympathetic, well-meanin', elderly man with a poor memory, has stirred up quite a tempest, shiver me timbers!
February 13, 2024, 1:26 pm
Yarrr, be ye hopin' to catch an Uber or Lyft on yer way home from th' airport on Valentine's Day? Aye, ye be outta luck, me matey! Drivers in 10 cities be swearin' off work betwixt 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. local time on Wednesday. 'Tis a grand nationwide effort, ye see, to shine a light on the issues these swashbucklin' rideshare drivers face on th' apps. From measly wages to havin' their accounts suddenly deactivated, they be fed up workin' a grueling 80 hours a week just t' scrape by.
February 13, 2024, 11:56 am
Arrr, me hearties! A scurvy dog, Tony Bobulinski, once a part of the Biden scallywags, did spill the beans afore House impeachment probers. He claimed that the president himself be the very treasure they be peddlin' in China and Ukraine! Aye, 'tis a tale that could bring shame upon the Democrats, by Jove!
February 13, 2024, 11:02 am
Avast ye, mateys! Word hath spread quick like a cannonball that a soul hath trespassed upon Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas. But blimey! Right-wing influencers, Republican scallywags, and even Fox News be spreadin' a false tale that the scurvy dog bein' transgender. Arrr, tis a load of bilge! Houston officials, led by Police Chief Troy Finner and Democratic Mayor John, set the record straight, they did.
February 13, 2024, 10:38 am
Comedy Central hath gladly welcomed Jon Stewart back to the helm at The Daily Show on Monday, whilst Fox News be most glad to witness the jesting veteran taketh aim at President Joe Biden. And lo! One Fox News host did ponder if this jesting was to compete with their very own "king of late night," Greg Gutfeld. Having played an excerpt of Stewart, wherein he didst mock Biden's alleged memory woes, Fox News host Dana Perino didst ponder aloud on Tuesday's edition of America's Newsroom: Yea, verily. I...
February 13, 2024, 10:04 am
Arr, me hearties! Methinks Nancy Pelosi, the exalted House Speaker, did declare that President Biden be indeed younger than her, har! When ol' Anderson Cooper from CNN did ask if Biden should jest about his age, some Democrats be havin' concerns, aye. Cooper did inquire, "What say ye to these concerns?" And Pelosi did respond, "Arr, people do err, me matey! His age be a fact, ye see. Mistakes befall him due to..."
February 13, 2024, 5:43 am
Avast, me hearties! A jolly new study be revealin' that the cursed carbon dioxide emissions caused by landlubber humans be drivin' more plants to sprout on this here Earth, even in parched lands. Arrr, this peer-reviewed study, published in the esteemed journal Global Ecology and Conservation, be provin' that the whole 'global greening' thing be true. The rate of this greening be pickin' up a wee bit, and drought be slowin' it down, but not stoppin' it. This study be done by them crafty Chinese scallywags...
February 13, 2024, 5:40 am
Arrr, Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) be rejectin' a bipartisan Senate offerin' providin' aid to Ukraine an' other foreign allies, raisin' new questions 'bout how — or if — Congress will be adoptin' the assistance ahead o' November’s elections. The Senate legislation, which be providin' billions o' doubloons in military assistance fer Ukraine an' Israel, among other foreign aid provisions, be on its way to passin' through the upper chamber early Tuesday mornin' with more than a dozen Republicans...
February 13, 2024, 5:39 am
Arrr! President Joe Biden’s scurvy attorney be claimin' he went to both the special counsel and the attorney general to voice his concerns 'bout the scallywags takin' unnecessary jabs at the president's memory. "This report be a shipwreck!" Bob Bauer cried on CBS' Face the Nation. "A pitiful excuse for a job." The special counsel be diggin' into whether the president be mismanagin' classified documents when he were the vice captain in his previous ventures...
February 13, 2024, 5:36 am
Arr, matey! Avast ye! In a jolly weekend brawl, Donald Trump did set Europe free from American protection! "I won't shield ye, me hearties! Let 'em do as they please," yelled Trump, as he bragged 'bout not defendin' a country attacked by Russia. "Ye need to cough up, ye scallywags!" But mind ye, Trump was talkin' 'bout NATO countries not...
February 11, 2024, 5:39 am
Arr! The scurvy Israeli forces have stumbled upon a hidden treasure, ye landlubbers! A secret Hamas military lair, deep beneath the very nose of the United Nations's aid agency for the poor Palestinians! 'Tis a den of cunning communication and intelligence, claim the Israeli authorities. This UNRWA, tasked with lendin' a hand to them poor souls, be head-quartered in Amman, mateys...
February 11, 2024, 5:38 am
Avast, me hearties! Donald Trump be claimin' victory in the early primaries, whilst poor Nikki Haley be sufferin' a stingin' defeat in Nevada! 'Tis lookin' likely that a Biden-Trump rematch be brewin' come November, but don't ye be countin' yer doubloons just yet! Biden's campaign be showin' signs of trouble, 'tis true, but reckon carefully before ye dismiss him. A fresh poll from Focaldata-UnHerd be tellin' a tale of six swingin' states...
February 11, 2024, 5:35 am
Arr, ye scallywags! Word be reachin' me ears that the parent company o' Facebook and Instagram, Meta, be thinkin' 'bout clampin' down on talkin' 'bout Israeli nationalism on their fine platforms. Aye, they be considerin' stricter rules that could silence criticism and free speech 'bout the war in Gaza and beyond, claim five sources from the civil society who got wind o' this change. "Arr, Meta be takin' a gander at their hate speech policy, particularly when it comes to the word 'Zionist,'" be the word from a message sent to civil society groups on January 30 by..."
February 11, 2024, 5:27 am
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis with a heavy heart that this Wisconsin Republican, Rep. Mike Gallagher, be announcin' that I be hangin' up me hat and not seekin' re-election to me post in the House. For eight long years, I've sailed this treacherous political sea, promisin' to be a fierce buccaneer on duty. Me bipartisan work on the Armed Services and Intelligence Committees, chairin' the Cyberspace Solarium Commission, and the Select Committee on the Chinese Communist Party be a testament to our triumphant plunderin' on this voyage. We've pillaged and accomplished more than I ever dreamed possible on this wild adventure. But alas, it be time for a new captain to take the helm. May the winds of fortune guide this ship to greater glory!
February 10, 2024, 8:28 am
Arr, me hearties! Late tidings from the Commerce Department reveal that in 2023, Mexico hath become the grandest source of imported treasures to the US, outshining China fer the first time in two score years. 'Tis a mighty change in the seas of commerce! With tensions brewin' betwixt the US and China, this shift to Mexico be a blessin'. Costs be lowered, and the supply chain be swift as a pirate's plunder...
February 10, 2024, 8:26 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Listen up, for I have news from across the seas! The land of Mexico hath done more trades with the United States in the year 2023 than any other nation afore! Aye, according to the trade data of the U.S., released this very day! But alas, me hearties, the U.S. trade hath taken a wee tumble, a mere 3.85% decline. Yet fear not, for the total still be a mighty $5.1 trillion, the second-greatest on record! Only surpassed by the grand sum of $5.3 trillion in the year 2022. Now, let me tell ye of the wonders that befall this great nation! Not only hath we found a new trade partner, but we also boast a new leading port, a new foremost export, and a new foremost import! Port Laredo, me mateys, hath claimed the title of the grandest port in all the land. A worthy achievement, I say! And that be not all, for the nation now has a new leading export and import, though the details be not shared. So raise yer mugs of rum and cheer for this marvelous news! Mexico and the United States, aye, they be makin' history in the realm of trade!
February 10, 2024, 4:54 am
Arr, me hearties! Listen ye well to this tale of Taylor Swift, a lass of great renown, who be helpin' the Kansas City Chiefs make a fortune, aye, to the tune o' $331.5 million, as some expert claims. 'Twas all thanks to her fancy for Travis Kelce, the Chiefs' victorious tight end, makin' him famous near and far. So, afore ye faithful NFL fans start growlin' like a pack o' sea dogs, mind ye to take into...
February 10, 2024, 4:45 am
Arr, ye scurvy landlubbers! The cap'n o' the UN agency fer Palestinian refugees be claimin' he be usin' a "reverse due process" when he be firin' them scalawags accused o' bein' part o' Hamas's dastardly attacks. He be admitin' he didn't even bother investigatin' Israel's claims before sendin' 'em to Davy Jones' locker. At a press conference, a brave matey asked if he had any proof against 'em...
February 10, 2024, 4:32 am
Avast ye, scallywags! The Democratic National Committee be raisin' a complaint, claimin' that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his loyal crew be conspirin' with a super PAC to unlawfully coordinate a grand $15 million petition drive. They be hopin' to secure his name on the ballots in many states, ones that could be vital to President Biden's success in the next election. This be considered an in-kind contribution to Kennedy's campaign, a violation in the eyes of the law! Arrr, the seas be rough, indeed!
February 10, 2024, 4:31 am
Arrr, the Democratic National Committee be cryin' foul, claimin' that scurvy dog Robert F. Kennedy Jr., along with his matey super PAC, be breakin' election laws by tryin' to get him on the ballot in many a state. They fear this longshot candidate be a danger to President Joe Biden's chance of winnin' reelection. In their complaint to the Federal Election Commission, the DNC be accusin' the PAC, known as American Values 2024, of unlawfully conspirin' with Kennedy Jr.'s crew, led by Bob...
February 10, 2024, 4:29 am
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs of the Democratic National Committee be cryin' foul against that independent presidential matey, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.! They be claimin' he and his mateys from American Values 2024 be breakin' the rules, coordinatin' their efforts and violatin' the election law. They be sayin' they paid him $15 million in illegal contributions to get on the ballot. Shiver me timbers!
February 9, 2024, 5:21 pm
Avast, me hearties! The tale that Donald Trump spins be one o' dominatin' all the way. 'Tis weavin' through the holy scripts of his personal myth, it be. In his legendary tome, "The Art of the Deal," he be boastin' o' his cutthroat negotiatin' skills on every page. On the show "The Apprentice," he be actin' as master o'er a room o' humble souls, all vying for his blessin'. And at his grand campaign gatherings, he be entertainin' the masses with yarns o' intimidatin' world leaders in the Oval Office. Arrr!
February 9, 2024, 5:10 pm
Arrr, ye scurvy dog Adam Smith, a Democratic Rep. from Washington, be admitting that Cap'n Joe Biden lacks the "normal strength" fer a grand political campaign. Afore ye know it, Biden be lashin' out like a furious tempest durin' a press conference, aye, for a full thirteen minutes! 'Twas all about that scallywag Robert Hur's report, claimin' Biden deliberately be hidin' classified documents. Hur be choosin' not to charge Biden, callin' him a "sympathetic, well-meanin' elderly man with..." Arrr, the plot thickens!
February 9, 2024, 5:04 pm
Arr, me hearties! Five brave souls o' the U.S. Marines met their tragic fate when their cursed chopper crashed amidst treacherous mountains in southern California. The bold buccaneers be known as Lance Cpl. Donovan Davis, 21, hailing from Kansas; Sgt. Alec Langen, 23, from Arizona; Capt. Benjamin Moulton, 27, a lad from Idaho; Capt. Jack Casey, 26, from New Hampshire; and Capt. Miguel Nava, 28, claimin' Michigan as his birthplace, as per Fox News. Davis and Langen, the youngest o' the bunch, fought side by side till the bitter end, by Davy Jones' locker!
February 9, 2024, 5:03 pm
Arrr! The scurvy dogs at the Biden administration be admitting that they be includin' words like "MAGA," "Trump," and "Kamala" in their push for banks to spy on private transactions after the Jan. 6, 2021 protests at the U.S. Capitol. Aye, a letter found by Fox News Digital reveals the truth! The Treasury Department sent this letter to Sen. Tim Scott, R-S.C., the top Republican on the Senate Banking Committee. The letter mentions these "Exchange events" where they discuss their Financial Crimes Enforcement... Avast!
February 9, 2024, 10:43 am
Avast ye mateys! Nayib Bukele, the scallywag millennial captain o' El Salvador, be claimin' he be elected fer a second reckonin' in a grand victory on Sunday. The official tally be underway, but 'tis clear that this self-proclaimed "world's grooviest tyrant" be winnin' by a mile, even though it be against the land's rules to serve consecutive terms. Arrr, the world be scoldin' him fer lettin' a rights calamity run amok, but Bukele..."
February 9, 2024, 10:41 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Twas a blastin' feast for the eyes in El Salvador's jolly capital! President Nayib Bukele, a fearless swashbuckler, be claimin' a grand victory in the first round o' elections. He be fightin' viciously against the scurvy gangs, cuttin' down the bloodshed in this weary land, and be snatchin' over 85% o' the vote! His crew, Nuevas Ideas, be takin' 58 out o' the 60 seats in parliament. With a cheerin' crowd and a flutterin' flag, he made his triumphant speech from the grand National Palace!
February 9, 2024, 10:41 am
Arrr, President Nayib Bukele be havin' a jolly good time after scurvy voters be castin' aside their doubts 'bout democracy to reward him for his fearsome crackdown on them scoundrel gangs. Thousands o' his loyal supporters be dressed in cyan blue and wavin' flags, takin' o'er San Salvador's central square to celebrate his re-election, which that young leader be callin' a "referendum" on his rule. Bukele be declarin' himself the victor, me hearties!
February 9, 2024, 8:47 am
Arrr! Avast ye, me hearties! Unfurl the sails and listen up! These scallywags be spreadin' lies on the interwebs! The measles virus in the UK and U.S. be not connected to the mysterious "Disease X" that be causin' havoc in the future. Measles be a pesky disease, but fear not, me mateys! With a good ol' vaccine, we can keep it at bay. The UK Health Security Agency be keepin' an eye on the situation, so let's sail on and stay safe, ye landlubbers!
February 9, 2024, 5:36 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Senate, in all its swashbucklin' glory, didst pass a mighty decree on Thursday. Aye, they be startin' work on a grand $95 billion treasure chest to aid Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan. This be followin' the burial of a larger bill that planned to spend a hefty $20 billion on protectin' our borders. Arrr! In this here vote, 67 scoundrels said "Aye!" while only one matey, Sen. Bernie Sanders, yelled "Nay!" from the Democratic crew. We reckon the final vote won't be happenin' until next week as these senators embark on a long and treacherous journey. Stay tuned, me hearties!
February 9, 2024, 5:31 am
Arr! President Biden be a stout-hearted scallywag, defendin' his wit and memory against the scathing words of that special counsel. In a bold retort, Biden be sayin' "Nay! I be no forgetful old sea dog, but a man of substance and vision!" The counsel, Robert Hur, claims Biden's memory be leakier than a ship with a thousand holes. But mark me words, Biden won't be walkin' the plank without a fight!
February 9, 2024, 5:29 am
Avast, ye scallywags! 'Tis been reported that a landlubber from Iran, seekin' asylum, met a grisly end at the hands of Swiss bilge rats. Armed with an ax and knife, this 32-year-old scurvy dog held 15 souls captive on a train near the French border for a good four hours! Thankfully, the hostages were all freed without harm. Arrr!
February 8, 2024, 11:22 pm
Avast ye mateys! Cap'n Donald Trump be swashbuckling his way to victory in the Nevada Republican Party's presidential caucuses. With but a mere 1% of the vote counted, he be holdin' a mighty 98% of the tally, leavin' poor ol' Ryan Binkley with a measly 2%. Arrr, tis a landslide triumph for our Cap'n! The Associated Press be raisin' the flag o' victory for Trump at the stroke o' 11:05 p.m. EST, when the first results be comin' ashore. Yo ho ho, another win for the mighty Trump!
February 8, 2024, 5:54 pm
Arr, President Biden be a scurvy scallywag, holdin' tight to secret scrolls from his days as a vice captain. Eager to prove his worth, he did, but now this investigation be causin' a stir in the upcoming presidential battle of 2024. In his private life, he even shared these classified treasures with a ghostwriter, ye be believin' that?
February 8, 2024, 5:51 pm
Arrr, the scurvy special counsel be sayin' in his report, released on Thursday, that no criminal charges be fittin' for President Biden's handlin' of classified loot. Yet, he did uncover evidence showin' that Biden be keepin' and spillin' some sensitive secrets. Arr, what a tale!
February 8, 2024, 5:49 pm
Avast me hearties! As per the findings of Special Counsel Robert Hur's report on the scallywag President Biden's mishandling of secret parchments, it be revealed that ol' Biden couldn't recall crucial details, like when he served as vice captain, while being interrogated by investigators. For a year now, Hur has been diggin' into Biden's mischievous hoarding of classified scrolls. These papers be holdin' secrets 'bout the military and foreign scuffles in Afghanistan, along with other vital records concernin' national security and foreign affairs...
February 8, 2024, 4:30 pm
Avast ye scallywags! A scheme to fatten the pockets of them Kansas lawmakers be sailin' the high seas! No vote needed, just a sneaky little commission! Arrr, now these mateys be earnin' more doubloons than even them bigger states, like Texas and Georgia! Savvy?
February 8, 2024, 11:01 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs of the Federal Communications Commission be puttin' an end to them scallywag robocalls made by artificial intelligence! Seems these landlubbers be usin' deepfakes to mimic politicos like President Joe Biden. The FCC be callin' these AI voices "artificial" under the Telephone Consumer Protection Act! Yo ho ho!
February 8, 2024, 11:00 am
Arrr, me hearties! The Federal Communications Commission hath declared today that them scurvy dogs who be sendin' robocalls with voices made by fancy artificial intelligence shall be walkin' the plank! Aye, 'tis a clear message that usin' such trickery to deceive and cheat folks won't be tolerated! All the landlubbers, beware!
February 8, 2024, 10:24 am
Arrr, 'twas a sorry tale indeed! Five valiant Marines, sailin' the skies in a helicopter, met their untimely end in California. They were missin' for days, 'til the wreckage was found in Pine Valley. Brave souls be searchin' for the rest, hopin' to bring 'em home safe 'n sound.
February 8, 2024, 10:21 am
Arr, me hearties! Thar be a tale of five brave Marines, sailin' in a mighty helicopter, bound fer San Diego. But alas, the scallywags went missin'! The Marine Corps be seekin' 'em, while the local authorities stumbled upon the craft in Pine Valley, 40 leagues east o' San Diego. No word on its state, but 'twas on a routine trainin' flight from Creech Air Force Base. The heli was reported overdue on...
February 8, 2024, 4:46 am
"Arrr, mateys! 'Tis a tale of Elon Musk, a grand billionaire, who be takin' sides in a quarrel with Disney. He be supportin' the lawsuit of Gina Carano, a lass who played the fierce Cara Dune. She be claimin' that the 'woke' company sacked her due to her conservative beliefs. Yarr, she be speakin' o' conspiracy and mockin' mask mandates, echoin' false claims of voter fraud. A storm be brewin' in the high seas!"
February 8, 2024, 4:42 am
Arr, the Supreme Court scallywags of Florida be doubtin' the state's squabble that the jargon on a ballot to preserve the sacred right of abortion be deceivin'. Nathan Forrester, representing the attorney general's quarters, pleaded for the court to toss the measure. He claimed the voters be too daft to fathom the amendment's purpose, as the words be as vast as the seven seas with countless reckonin's. Yet, a bunch of justices...
February 8, 2024, 4:39 am
Arr, me hearties! 'Twas a sight to behold on ye olde cable news! The Guardian Angels, those brave souls, were spied roughin' up a scallywag their captain deemed a light-fingered "migrant." Yet, the claim seems as false as a parrot with naught but a squawk. In the midst of this turmoil, whilst the great Sean Hannity was chattin' with the Angels' leader, Curtis Sliwa, the cameras panned to capture the ruckus. "Avast, me mateys! Our crew hath just brought down one of those migrant miscreants right here on the corner of 42nd Street and Seventh Avenue," Sliwa exclaimed. "They've taken over..."
February 7, 2024, 5:55 pm
Arr, the scurvy dogs in the House o' Republicans may have suffered a blow in their attempt to impeach the scallywag Mayorkas, but fear not, me hearties, for they be vowing to try again! Speaker Mike Johnson, a hearty rogue from Louisiana, be declarin' that they shall prevail in this mighty battle against the Homeland Security Secretary. Last night may have been a setback, but remember, democracy be a messy business, ye landlubbers!
February 7, 2024, 5:52 pm
Arr matey! The scallywag Euro lawmakers be cryin' for Brussels to lay sanctions on that Tucker Carlson, yarrr! Just 'cause he had a wee chat with Putin, they be wantin' to punish him like a scurvy dog! But blast me barnacles, American journos always be talkin' to dictators, even during the Cold War, matey! Guy Verhofstadt, that landlubber from Belgium, be the worst of 'em all!
February 7, 2024, 5:49 pm
Arr, me hearties! President Biden didst declare on Wednesday, whilst gallivantin' 'round New York City, that that scallywag Donald Trump be an "existential threat." T'was a three-stop quest for doubloons, interrupted by landlubber protesters on Fifth Avenue. Shiver me timbers!
February 7, 2024, 5:47 pm
"I be tellin' ye, mateys! The blasted U.S. budget deficit be set to swell by a whole $1 trillion in the next decade, as reported by them fancy Congressional Budget Office scallywags. And get this, it be all 'cause o' President Joe Biden's grand plan to make the U.S. sail towards greener pastures, all at a cost we didn't see comin'! Aye, he be wantin' to tackle the danger o' climate change and make our economy walk the plank, all in one go!"
February 7, 2024, 11:36 am
Avast ye! Hamas be offerin' a truce t' silence the cannons in Gaza fer four-and-a-half moons. Durin' this time, all captives be set free, Israel's soldiers be withdrawin' from Gaza, and a pact be made t' end this war. Israel be ponderin' this here proposal, with Cap'n Benjamin Netanyahu addressin' the matter soon. A scurvy dog from Israel's Channel 13 be sayin' some parts o' the offer be not...
February 7, 2024, 11:35 am
Arrr, me hearties! Word be reachin' us that Hamas, the scallywags who control Gaza, be voicin' their response to a ceasefire offer! They be demandin' a phased retreat from the landlubber Israelis durin' a four-and-a-half-month truce, and a grand scheme to finally put an end to this war, ye see! This group o' Palestinian swashbucklers be proposin' a three-phase agreement, each lastin' 45 days, which would also set free the poor souls held hostage in their domain, all in exchange, mateys!
February 7, 2024, 11:33 am
Arr matey! Hamas be offerin' to set free all them landlubber Israeli hostages in exchange fer a 135-day truce, a full Israeli retreat from Gaza, and the release of well over a thousand Palestinian scallywags. This here offer be made to Israel on Tuesday, in response to terms from Egypt and Qatar. The plan be to release the hostages in stages, startin' with the lasses and wee ones, in exchange for them Palestinian prisoners bein' held in Israel. Yo ho ho!
February 7, 2024, 10:49 am
In th' depths o' th' dreaded pandemic, as global supply chains did buckle 'n th' cost o' shipping a container to Cathay be soar'd nearly twentyfold, Marco Villarreal spied an opportunity. In th' year 2021, Mr. Villarreal be resignin' as Caterpillar’s cap'n general in Mexico 'n began nurturin' ties wit' companies lookin' to shift manufacturin' from Cathay to Mexico. He be findin' a fine client in Hisun, a Cathay producer o' all-terrain vehicles, which hired Mr. Villarreal to establish a $152 million manufacturin' site in...
February 6, 2024, 11:31 pm
Arrr, mateys! Avast ye! In the grand Republican presidential contest of Nevada, a peculiar and hilarious victory befallen upon the option of "none of these candidates!" 'Tis a shameful defeat fer Nikki Haley, the sole prominent contender on th' ballot. The former U.N. ambassador, in all her wisdom, chose to partake in the state-run primary election, rather than the party's presidential caucuses where delegates be granted. Aye, 'tis only our beloved former President Donald Trump who be competin' in them caucuses, aye!
February 6, 2024, 11:30 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis a tale o' woe! Nikki Haley, be she a fine lass, was set to lose the fierce battle in Nevada's Republican primary, as decided by Decision Desk HQ. Aye, 'tis a surprise indeed, for the great Trump himself be not in the runnin'! The scallywags were offered a choice to mark a box sayin' "none o' these candidates," wit' no chance to scribble a name. By Davy Jones' locker, that option be the victor, as the former governor of South Carolina was bound to settle for second place.
February 6, 2024, 11:29 pm
Arr, the scallywag Donald Trump, he be not be found on the ballot in the grand Republican primary in Nevada. But alas, his absence did naught to aid his last rival, the brave Nikki Haley, in her quest for the 2024 GOP nomination. The voters, in their wisdom, were denied the pleasure of writin' Trump's name, yet they had the option to vote for "none of these candidates." And as the sun sets, the Associated Press has declared that "none of these..." shall seize the day!
February 6, 2024, 6:48 pm
Avast, me hearties! In a grand display of mutiny, the House scallywags be deliverin' a grievous blow to the Republican leaders! They be tryin' to impeach the mighty Homeland Security Secretary, Alejandro Mayorkas, but their efforts be crushed! 'Twas a fierce battle, with the votes bein' deadlocked at 215 to 215, until three scurvy Republicans joined the ranks of the Democrats. With a final vote of 214 to 216, the mutiny be thwarted, and the scallywag Secretary be spared from walkin' the plank!
February 6, 2024, 5:17 pm
Avast, me hearties! Cap'n Biden be a-claimin' that he be keen to ink a border accord, makin' it mighty difficult for them scurvy migrants to be enterin' our fair shores. 'Tis a much-needed and belated measure to restore the trust of the public in the government's skill to keep a grip on immigration. The swarm o' asylum seekers crossin' our southern borders be havin' our poor government runnin' like a headless chicken! 'Tis strainin' the cities and plunderin' our precious resources...
February 6, 2024, 5:16 pm
Arr, me hearties! The Senate scallywags finally revealed a treasure - a grand bipartisan pact to tackle the dreaded "security crisis" down south! They aim to put a stop to the onslaught of 10,000 landlubbers a day from foreign lands. This bold plan grants the Customs and Border Patrol lads and lasses full command of the borders, allowing them to swiftly deal with asylum matters. And it gives President Biden, and all future captains, the power to...
February 6, 2024, 5:15 pm
Arrr, be the Republicans seekin' to safeguard the glorious U.S. shores, or be they wantin' to leave this open wound festering for yet another year, makin' it an election matter? That be the question before Congress this week with the Senate's bipartisan bill on securin' the border, and soon we'll know what the scallywag GOP truly desires. By any honest accountin', this be the most restrictin' laws on migrants in many a decade. Previous discussions on immigration often involved tradin' security measures for the legalization of more...
February 6, 2024, 3:21 pm
Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis been decided by a court of pirate law that Donald Trump be not immune to the consequences of his treacherous attempt to reclaim the election booty. The panel of wise judges be havin' none of his excuse that bein' a former captain exempts him from the fierce hand of justice. Arrr!
February 6, 2024, 10:39 am
Avast ye, me hearties! 'Tis been four years since Cap'n Biden seized the Democratic nomination, courting them progressive scallywags like there be no tomorrow. Their pact be mighty, sailin' him straight to the White House. But alas! Troubles brew, as the chasms 'twixt him and the left grow wide, puttin' his 2024 voyage at great peril. Arrr!
February 6, 2024, 10:39 am
Arr, avast ye! Meta be settin' course fer a new adventure on Tuesday, as it plans to slap labels on Facebook, Instagram, an' Threads posts that be containin' images made by their fancy AI. Aye, with o'er 5 billion crew members on their platforms, this labelin' policy be affectin' every one o' their apps in all tongues. Meta be facin' some squalls, even from their own Oversight Board, to buckle down on their AI content policies. Shiver me timbers!
February 6, 2024, 10:35 am
Avast ye scallywags! The court be sayin' that former Cap'n Donald Trump be havin' no immunity from the law! He can be prosecuted for his misdeeds tryin' to overturn the election, says a bunch of fancy judges. Arrr, justice be served!
February 6, 2024, 10:34 am
"Avast ye scallywags! The U.S. Court of Appeals - D.C. Circuit be refusin' to grant former President Trump protection from the law! They be sayin' his claim of presidential immunity be as weak as a landlubber's drink, and a case against him shall continue. Arrr, justice be sailin' on!"
February 6, 2024, 5:37 am
Arr, the Republican ship be havin' a new candidate, Nikki Haley, seekin' protection from the Secret Service. 'Tis said she be facin' threats as the last rival to Donald Trump for the 2024 GOP nomination. She be confirm'n the application in a parley with The Wall Street Journal. "We be havin' many a problem," said the former governor and ambassador, undeterred in her quest.
February 6, 2024, 5:36 am
Avast, me hearties! The fair lass Nikki Haley, once a U.N. Ambassador, be seekin' the protection o' the Secret Service as she sets sail on her 2024 presidential voyage. Reports claim she be facin' a growin' number o' threats. Fear not, me mateys, for she be resolute in her course, sayin', "No scurvy dogs be stoppin' me from chartin' me own course." The Secret Service and her campaign remain as silent as the depths of Davy Jones' locker, not respondin' to any inquiries.
February 6, 2024, 5:35 am
Arr! Republican wench Nikki Haley be seekin' the protectin' o' the Secret Service, claimin' she's been threatened by scurvy dogs on her campaign voyage. The lass, who once governed South Carolina and served in the court of Trump, be givin' her rivals a run for their doubloons in the 2024 GOP nomination. Aye, she spilled the beans on this matter in an interview on Monday...
February 6, 2024, 3:52 am
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis been confirmed by the scurvy Canadian police that five rapscallions from Canada's 2018 world junior ice hockey crew, four of whom sail the NHL seas, be facin' charges o' sexual assault. This shameful incident was reported by a lass in June 2018, claimin' she was violated in a hotel room after a Hockey Canada charity shindig in London, Ontario. The coppers be investigatin' this dire matter...
February 4, 2024, 5:27 am
Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be sailin' to victory in the first sanctioned presidential primary on a fine Saturday night. The scallywag easily outsmarted Rep. Dean Phillips and self-help author Marianne Williamson in a state that he'd already conquered in his previous campaign. With this win in South Carolina, the campaign be inchin' closer to the grand battle, which be foretold to be one of the longest and most treacherous journeys on the horizon.
February 4, 2024, 5:25 am
Arr, ye scurvy dogs! President Joe Biden be takin' the prize in the Democratic primary down in South Carolina, a land that be leadin' him to victory in the grand election o' 2020! 'Tis said this triumph will bring back the Black voters who have veered from the president's side, causin' his approval rating to sink. The Associated Press, they be declarin' Biden the winner at 7:23 p.m., a mere 23 minutes after the polls shut, with a mighty support o' more than 95%! Ahoy, Rep. Dean Phillips and author, ye be next in line...
February 4, 2024, 5:22 am
Arr! Cap'n Biden be triumphin' in the South Carolina Democratic presidential primary, the party's first-in-the-nation hurly-burly this time 'round, as foretold by those scallywags at the Associated Press. With 97 percent of the ballots counted, Biden be takin' an estimated 96.2 percent of the vote. Marianne Williamson be comin' in second, but with a paltry 2.1 percent, and Representative Dean Phillips not too far behind in third with a measly 1.7 percent. Whilst Iowa and New Hampshire have normally been the first ports o'call in the Democrats' pickin' process,..."
February 4, 2024, 3:46 am
Arr! Methinks that the American scallywag Tucker Carlson hath ventured to the land of Russia for a fair few days, claimeth the Telegram channel Mash. They say he hath arrived after many a delay upon a Turkish Airlines vessel from Istanbul, and hath witnessed the grand ballet spectacle of Spartacus at the Bolshoi Theatre in Moscow. Aye, a true conservative he be...
February 3, 2024, 2:04 pm
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis news from the land of Connecticut! The grand Gov. Ned Lamont hath declared that the state shall be the first to cancel medical debt for its fine residents. Aye, ye heard it right! A whole billion doubloons of debt be wiped out, thanks to $6.5 million in treasure from the American Rescue Plan Act. No scurvy dog shall be burdened by medical bills, for this be a noble act of goodwill. Avast, me hearties, 'tis a fine day for the good people of Connecticut!
February 3, 2024, 2:02 pm
Arrr! Gov. Ned Lamont be makin' a grand declaration, mateys! He be plannin' to cancel a whole bilion doubloons in medical debt for 'bout 250,000 swabbies in Connecticut. Aye, ye heard it right! The landlubber be makin' history, makin' Connecticut the first to wipe out medical debt for such a crew. Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a bold move, indeed!
February 3, 2024, 2:01 pm
Arrr, me hearties! Ye be hearin' the news, as Gov. Ned Lamont of Connecticut hath declared that all ye eligible scallywags shall be free from yer cursed medical debt! The state be the first of its kind to be takin' such a noble stand. No more shall ye be weighed down by the financial anchor. Yo ho ho!
February 3, 2024, 4:58 am
Arrr, in the year 2012, them Pennsylvania lawgivers, led by the mighty Gov. Tom Corbett, a Republican scallywag, did come up with a grand scheme fer Shell Oil Co. They offered a treasure worth $66 million a year fer 25 years, a total of $1.6 billion, 'n a shiny credit that would let Shell avoid payin' most, if not all, of its state 'n local taxes. All this in exchange fer Shell buildin' a fine polymer plant in Beaver County, near Pittsburgh, rather than in Ohio or West Virginia, ye scurvy dogs.
February 3, 2024, 4:55 am
Mark Zuckerberg hath brought great joy and mirth to the scallywags of Meta shareholders and Wall Street this jolly week, sharin' tidings of the grand social media monstrosity's first-ever bounty. Aye, even the IRS be grinnin' like a Cheshire cat, seein' the mighty treasure of taxes awaitin' 'pon the Meta stock dividends sailin' straight into Zuckerberg's treasure chest. The sea be whisperin' that this captain of Meta Platforms Inc. META, +20.32% shall soon be wrestin' a mighty sum o' $700 million in dividends each year. With near 350 million shares in his grasp, as per FactSet, the company be hoistin' the flag to commence the..."
February 3, 2024, 4:53 am
Fear not, me hearties! Should ye be troubled that fair Taylor Swift won't be makin' it back from her jaunt in foreign lands to witness her beau, Travis Kelce, in the grand Super Bowl, the Japanese Embassy sends a consoling message: "Fear naught!" The embassy assures the worried fans that their beloved songbird shall return in time, despite the tight schedule. Arr, she be set to perform in the Tokyo Dome from the 7th to the 10th of February, lest ye be forgettin'!