The Booty Report

News and Updates for Swashbucklers Everywhere

Articles in "Politics" Category

December 9, 2024

"Ahoy! Navigatin' the squabble 'bout a captain's shield from the law, ye say? A merry jest, indeed!"

Arrr, mateys! This here tale, spun by Kailey Emmons and birthed from the Alliance for Citizen Engagement, be about the fancy notion of presidential immunity! Aye, it be sayin’ the captain of this ship be free from the law’s grip while plundering... I mean, leadin’ the crew! Har har!

Arrr! Scallywag nabbed for shootin’ iron in Pennsyltucky, ‘tis a right ruckus over the CEO's demise, says the chief!

Avast, ye scallywags! A landlubber named Luigi Mangione be caught red-handed with a boomstick at a greasy spoon in Altoona! This knave be linked to the dastardly deed that sent UnitedHealthcare’s Captain Brian Thompson to Davy Jones’ locker last week. Talk about a right pickle! Arrr!

Arrr! The scallywag behind the deadly deed of the UnitedHealthcare captain be one Luigi Mangione, once a scholar of fancy!

Arrr! The scallywag caught in the dastardly deed of offing the big cheese of UnitedHealthcare be a brainy swab from Ivy League shores! He be likin’ quotes from that landlubber Unabomber, claimin’, “These scurvy dogs had it comin’!” Turns out, he harbored a grudge against the healers for mistreatin’ his kin!

"Arrr! UnitedHealthcare’s big fish be swimmin' in hot water, Luigi Mangione caught with a cannon—ahoy, matey!"

Arrr, a scallywag of 26 summers, named Luigi Mangione, be under the watchful eye of the lawmen in Pennsylvania! They be askin’ him questions ‘bout the foul deed that sent ol’ Brian Thompson to Davy Jones' locker! He be carryin’ a piece that be a match for the nefarious rascal who did the deed!

"Arrr! Daniel Penny be scot-free fer sendin' ol' Jordan Neely to Davy Jones' locker in the subway fracas!"

Arrr, matey! The scallywags called jurors be sayin’ ex-Marine Daniel Penny ain't guilty, after the judge tossed aside the heavier charges like a ship's anchor! He gave a chokehold to a landlubber on the subway, but now he's free as a seagull! Aye, what a jolly hullabaloo!

"Arrr! Trump be gettin' his tall tales checked live on 'Meet The Press,' like a scallywag caught in his own net!"

Avast, mateys! President-elect Trump be spoutin' tall tales ’bout 13,000 scallywag murderers o' the sea takin' strolls among us! He be mixin' numbers like a sailor mixin' grog! Arrr, best keep yer cutlasses ready, or they might be takin' yer treasure!

Arrr! Assad be seekin' refuge in Russia, like a scallywag hidin' from a storm after Damascus sunk!

Arrr, matey! The grand captain of Syria be spoutin’ tales of his crew still holed up in Damascus, even as the rebel scallywags storm the castle and send the old captain, Bashar, to Davy Jones’ locker! Refugees be returnin’, hopin’ for calmer seas, but trouble brews with a former al-Qaida buccaneer at the helm!

Arrr, what be that fair lass Melania ponderin' on? Perhaps countin' doubloons or wranglin' with a parrot!

Arrr, beneath them feline orbs and cheekbones sharper than a cutlass, there be a whisper o' sorrow in Melania Trump! She claims to be the most bullied soul on the seven seas! But mayhaps it be me imagination, fer she’s long been the captain’s treasure! Har har!

Arrr! Syrian Christians be in a pickle, trustin’ rebels who swear on their parrot’s beak while ol' Assad's ship sinks!

Arrr, matey! In the land o’ Syria, where the goodly Christians first be called, threats be loom’n like a stormy sea! The rebel scallywags swear to guard their booty, but can ye trust a rogue? Those ancient churches be standin' firm, weatherin' the tempests o’ time! Avast, what a jest!

Arrr, says Biden, Austin Tice be breathin' still in the land o' sand and scallywags! Avast, what a tale!

Arrr, matey! Captain Biden be sayin' the Yanks be huntin’ for Austin Tice, a soul lost to the winds of Syria since 2012! This scallywag be scribblin' tales of war, but now he be needin' a map to find his way home. Hoist the flag and let’s set sail!

Arrr, the King's men be sendin' their cannonballs flyin' at those scallywags in Syria now that al-Assad’s belly up!

Arrr, matey! The landlubbers o’ the United States be sayin’ they unleashed a tempest of cannon fire upon them scallywags o’ ISIL in Syria. With al-Assad’s ship sunk, they be hittin’ over 75 marks to keep them rascals from plunderin’ the seas o' power! Avast, ye brigands!

December 8, 2024

Arrr, the mighty Bashar be toppled after 13 years of squabblin’, sinkin’ a dynasty like a leaky ship!

Arrr matey! President Assad be takin' a powder on Sunday, after nearly 14 years of tryin' to keep his ship afloat in a stormy sea o' civil war! Once a sprightly lad, now he be a scallywag scuttlin' off, leavin' behind a right mess fer others to clean! Har har har!

"Arrr! Syrian scallywags send Assad to Davy Jones' locker, stirrin' the whole Middle East pot, aye!"

Arrr, matey! On the high seas o’ Damascus, rebel scallywags burst in like a cannonball, topplin' ol' Assad after five decades o’ tyranny! Aye, they’ve turned the tides o’ a 13-year squabble, sendin' Iran and Russia’s plans to Davy Jones' locker! Shiver me timbers!

"Arrr, me hearties! Syrians be hootin’ and hollerin’, lettin’ loose the cannons, now that the Assad scallywags be sunk!"

Arrr! The Syrians be jiggin’ in the streets, lettin’ loose their cannons in joy, fer old Bashar the Tyrant be hoistin’ the Jolly Roger and scarperin’ off! With them Islamist scallywags takin’ the helm, the seas be uncertain, but the rum flows like the tides! Avast, what now, mates?

Arrr, Moscow be shoutin' that Assad's sailed away from Syria's shores! Avast, where be the treasure now?

Arrr, matey! The Russian sea dogs be spillin’ the beans that Bashar Assad’s hoisted the white flag, leaving Syria as the Islamist scallywags storm the shores! They say Moscow had naught to do with the parley, but ol’ Bashar swapped his crown for a merry exit! Har har!

Arrr, Macron be snatchin' the spotlight at Notre Dame with Trump and Zelenskyy, like a parrot on a treasure chest!

Arrr, matey! President Macron be makin' a grand comeback on the high seas of diplomacy, usin’ Notre Dame’s grand reopening to wrangle talks betwixt Ukraine’s Zelenskyy and the soon-to-be Captain Trump! Aye, ‘twas a right stormy week for the Frenchman, what with his ship bein’ tossed about by a government sinkin’!

Arrr, Cap'n Trump be swearin' to set free the rascals o' January 6 come the stroke o' dawn!

Arrr, in his first parley since claimin' the captain's chair once more, that scallywag Trump be makin' promises to free his mateys who stormed the Capitol. He be swearing to toss the landlubbers out and raise the sails on tariffs, even if it makes yer doubloons lighter! Har har!

Arrr! No scallywags o' the pale crew be seekin' a spot in the security service's treasure hunt!

Arrr, matey! Britain’s secretive sea dogs be recruitin' greenhorns fer a summer frolic, but beware! Only landlubbers o' color need apply! MI5 and the like be offerin' a chance to swab the decks o' intrigue, not merely lounge about! Set sail fer yer future, ye scallywags!

December 7, 2024

Arrr, Trump be sayin' let the scallywags in Syria tussle without our mighty sails meddlin'! Ha!

Arrr, President Trump be sayin’ on the morrow, “Nay, mateys! This scuffle in Syria be not our battle!” As he sipped rum in Paris, he declared the salty landlubber Assad ain't worthy of our aid. So hoist the sails and leave that mess to the landlubbers!

"Arrr! Them scallywags be knockin' on Damascus' door! Who be they? What be the plan, matey? Avast and read more!"

Avast, mateys! The rebel scallywags be swarming near Syria's fair capital, catchin' many a landlubber off-guard! The king's men be skedaddlin' from towns without a fight! Damascenes be quakin' as guards patrol the streets. And shiver me timbers, the news be claimin’ the captain ain't sailin' off!

Arrr! The Syrian scallywags be sailin' away from Homs, leavin' ol' Assad stranded like a landlubber!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' the Syrian crown skedaddled from Homs quicker than a cat on a hot tin roof! With Assad's reign hangin' by a thread, the rebels be stormin' toward Damascus like a pack o' hungry sea dogs. The tides be turnin’ faster than a ship in a squall!

Arrr, matey! If the jury be as confused as a seagull in a storm, can they try ol’ Daniel again?

Arrr, mateys! The jury be sailin’ into murky waters come Monday, still fussin' over their verdict like a crew lost at sea! Judge Wiley, that scallywag, tossed out the manslaughter charge, leavin’ ‘em to ponder if young Penny be guilty of sendin' the poor soul, Jordan, to Davy Jones' locker!

December 6, 2024

Arrr! Trump’s pick fer Labor be earnin’ cheers from the landlubbers, while the salty GOP raises their eyebrows!

Arrr, me hearties! As Captain Trump be settin’ sail to fill his crew, one scallywag be catchin' the eye o' the Democrats and givin' the Republicans a right case o' the shivers! He’s pluckin' Rep. Lori Chavez-DeRemer, fresh from a fierce battle in a land o' Democrats, to be his Labor Chief!

Arrr, Trump’s Labor matey be catchin’ unions off guard, causin’ quite the ruckus fer the landlubbers of business!

Arrr, matey! President-elect Trump be choosin’ a Labor secretary that’s got the scallywags of labor cheerin’ and the merchant folk shakin’ in their boots! Aye, this be a twist that might have the Republicans givin’ unions a hearty handshake! Even the Teamsters be settin’ sail with ‘em at the convention!

"Arrr, the swell union captains be hoistin' the sails fer Lori Chavez-DeRemer, savvy? A right merry crew, indeed!"

Avast, matey! At first squint, it be a puzzlin’ choice fer President Trump to hoist up one-term Congress lass Lori Chavez-DeRemer as Labor chief! Aye, she’s as qualified as a landlubber at sea, lackin’ union stripes and all. But ‘tis a crafty appeasin’ to ol’ Sean O’Brien o’ the Teamsters, savvy?

"Avast, me hearties! Now be the hour fer makin' merry ties 'twixt faiths, or ye be walkin' the plank!"

Arrr, matey! In the merry days o' yore, them white evangelical chaps ruled the seas of public life, sway’in like a captain with a mighty crew! Falwell Sr. be a fine example, steerin’ the Moral Majority ship in the late 70s, settin’ course for social mischief, savvy?

Arrr! China be hoistin' the Jolly Roger, forbiddin' landlubbers from peddlin' their wares to the good ol' US seas!

Avast, me hearties! Beijing be raisin' the Jolly Roger, tryin’ to hoist its laws ‘cross the seven seas! They be banishin’ goods to the Yanks, even from afar! No more dual-use trinkets for the American scallywags! Arrr, what a rumble in the market sea!

Arrr, matey! Musk be the lone treasure-giver to the PAC, claimin’ Ginsburg be chattin' with Trump 'bout them baby troubles!

Arrr, matey! Elon Musk be the lone gold-slinger fer a PAC claimin’ ol’ Justice Ginsburg be chattin’ up Trump ‘bout his opinions on the fair maidens’ rights! He plundered 20.5 million doubloons! Their banner reads, “great minds think alike,” as if they be swappin’ grog on the high seas!

December 5, 2024

Arrr, matey! Britain be swappin’ names like a parrot with a cold! Muhammad be the top pick for lads, savvy?

Arrr! Hear ye, mateys! This day, the name Muhammad be crowned the king o' baby lads in England and Wales! Over 4,600 wee scallywags bear the name in 2023, outshinin’ Noah! Aye, a fine name fer a pirate's crew, but let’s not forget the other spellin's! Aye, a merry jest indeed!

Arrr! Muhammad be takin’ the crown from Noah as the most favored lad’s name on the seven seas!

Avast ye! In the year of our Lord 2023, young lads in England and Wales be sportin’ the name Muhammad more than any other, with a hearty 4,600 souls registered! It bested the old favorite Noah, but in three parts of England, it be as rare as a mermaid’s treasure! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Muhammad be claimin' the crown as the top lad's name in the UK, savvy? A true treasure!

Arrr, matey! 'Tis been spied that Muhammad be the fairest name for lads in the UK, bestin’ even Noah! Since 2016, it’s been sailin’ in the top ten. As fer lasses, Olivia be holdin’ the crown fer eight years runnin’, with Amelia and Isla chasin’ close behind! Yarrr!

Arrr, Musk an’ Ramaswamy be chattin’ 'bout their treasure map for DOGE with the landlubbers in Congress!

Arrr, matey! On the day o' Thursday, them scallywags Musk and Ramaswamy parleyed with the landlubbers in Congress 'bout a new crew calls the “Department of Government Efficiency.” They be schemin’ to trim the ranks and test the bounds o' Trump’s treasure chest! Aye, the seas be wild with talk!

Arrr, Soros be rainin' doubloons on a news crew, swayin' the 2024 seas 'fore the cannon's even fired!

Arrr, a fleet o' local scribblin' papers, run by a crew aligned with the Democrats, be swimmin' in gold from the Soros treasure chest during the 2024 election. They spent a fortune peddlin' flowery words 'bout Democrats while hidin' their true colors. Blimey, what a scallywag tale!

"Arrr! A mighty shake rocks Northern California, and the briny deep be risin'—batten down the hatches, ye scallywags!"

Avast, me hearties! A mighty quake o' 7.0 shook the shores o' Northern California! The ground be rumblin' near Petrolia, matey! And beware, for a tidal wave be comin' to crash upon the coast—from San Fran to Oregon, keep yer sea legs ready! Arrr!

Arrr! Captain Biden be settin' his scallywag son free from the brig, sayin’ “No more bilge water fer ye!”

Arrr, matey! Cap’n Biden be givin' his scallywag son Hunter a jolly pardon from the gallows o' federal law! Aye, ’tis a full and unconditional boot from the brig for misdeeds from 2014 to 2024! Just a year ago, he swore he’d keep the lad in chains!

Arrr! The FBI be shoutin' a dire warning, me hearties: cease yer textin' on those cursed devices, ye scallywags!

Arrr, mateys! The Foul Bureau of Investigation be shoutin' a warning! Textin' 'twixt Android and iPhone be like leavin' yer treasure chest wide open fer pirates! Use secure apps like WhatsApp, lest ye find yer secrets plundered by scallywags! Keep yer chatter tight, or risk the high seas o' hackery!

"Let loose the jolly crew o' diverse minds in our grand halls o' learnin', matey! Avast, pluralism ahoy!"

Arrr! Since the fracas on October 7th, 2023, yer universities be lookin’ like scallywags of intolerance and narrow-mindedness. Aye, they fret over findin’ safe harbors for open chatter. But fear not, mateys! Higher learnin’ may yet sail toward a sea of pluralism and jolly discourse! Avast!

Avast! The Trump takedown tale turned tempestuous as the Secret Service bloke and a GOP scallywag bellowed like squawking parrots!

Arrr, matey! Acting spy chief Ronald Rowe be blowin' his top at Rep. Pat Fallon! The Texas scallywag called Rowe a landlubber for tarryin' days ‘fore checkin' the scene where Trump nearly met Davy Jones! And what be this? A snap o' Rowe cozyin' up to the captain instead of watchin' his back! Har har har!

Arrr matey! Mexico’s nabbed a mighty haul o’ fentanyl, and I reckon it be no mere happenstance, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Mexican sea dogs be snatchin' over a ton o' those devilish fentanyl pills in a grand raid, aye! 'Tis the biggest haul in all the seven seas! Just after the winds shifted, when Trump be threatenin' to make the trade a tad more salty, savvy?

"Arrr! UNRWA be wantin’ to shackle the tongues of them Israelis and their mateys, aye! What a jolly jest!"

Arrr, matey! UNRWA be a scallywag of an organization, funded by landlubber governments! They be tossin’ coin to ruffians, hidin’ Hamas tunnels, and trainin’ troublemakers in their schools. Trump cut their booty, but Biden be fillin’ their coffers again! A right ruckus be brew’n 'twixt them and Israel!

Arrr! Behold! The UnitedHealthcare captain's killer left a jolly note on the cannonballs, sayin' "Ye be next!"

Arrr matey! New tales be swirling that the scallywag who sent UnitedHealthcare’s cap’n Brian Thompson to Davy Jones’ locker left a riddle on his cannonballs! "Deny," "Depose," and "Defend" be scrawled on the shells, as if the knave be tryin’ to play a game o’ wordy treasure hunt!

"Ahoy matey! Beware the FBI's digital kraken—tweak yer iPhone settings lest ye be caught in their nets!"

Arrr, me hearties! In a twist fit for the high seas, the FBI and CISA be shoutin’ warnings to ye iPhone and Android scallywags! Encrypt yer messages or risk bein' spied on by the sneaky Salt Typhoon from the East! Aye, they've plundered yer secrets like a true buccaneer!

Arrr! A California Democrat snatched the last House treasure, leavin’ the Republicans with but a wee tiny crew!

Arrr, matey! ABC be sayin’ that scallywag Adam Gray be takin’ the helm o’ California’s 13th, sendin' John Duarte to Davy Jones' locker! In the grand ship o’ Congress, Republicans be struttin’ with 220 cannons while Democrats be snug with 215. But beware, the tides o’ vacancies be fickle come Jan. 3!

December 4, 2024

Arrr, the court be speakin’ of trans rights, and it be soundin’ like Davy Jones’ locker full o’ trouble!

Arrr matey! On the high seas of justice, the Supreme Court be ponderin’ a fierce squabble, United States v. Skrmetti! They be askin’ if treatin’ trans folk like cannon fodder be unconstitutional. Most scallywags in robes be sayin’ nay, which means states might hoist the black flag on gender-affirming care!

Arrr, matey! The high seas of law be hearin’ jests ’bout rules for the landlubbers switchin’ sides!

Arrr, matey! On the fourth day of December, the mighty U.S. Supreme Court be settin’ sail on a tempestuous case o’ gender! The tale spins 'round Tennessee's law that keeps young scallywags from seekin’ “gender-affirming care.” No cross-sex potions or puberty blockin’ for them, by thunder!

Arrr! Trump be callin’ upon ol’ matey Navarro, his trusty trade parrot, fer counsel on makin’ doubloons!

Arrr, President-elect Trump be hoistin' his ol’ shipmate Peter Navarro aboard as chief counsel fer trade and makin’ stuff! This scallywag once danced with the law, doin’ time for givin' Congress the cold shoulder. Now he’s back to hoist those tariffs like a true buccaneer!

Arrr, how the high seas of South Korea’s leadership might capsize with a presidential keel-haulin’!

Arrr, President Yoon Suk Yeol be walkin' the plank o' politics! His mighty martial law has sent his fair South Korea into a tempest. The opposition crew be raisin' a ruckus, callin' for his impeachment! Avast! Let’s see how this stormy saga be unfoldin’, me hearties!

Arrr, three-fourths o’ landlubbers reckon the news be as biased as a parrot on a treasure map!

Arrr, it be said by three-quarters o' landlubbers that news scallywags be spin’in tales favorin’ their own sails on matters o’ politics and such! A new chart from the Pew crew shows 77% reckon media be biased, a wee dip from 79% in 2020. Blimey!

Avast! The scallywags in blue be peddlin' forbidden firesticks, makin' mischief for gold, yarrr!

Arrr, mateys! In the wee town o' Adair, with a mere 794 souls, the tiny three-man constabulary be seekin' 90 boomsticks, includin' a whirlin' beastie that spits 6,000 cannonballs a minute! Turns out, the chief be plunderin' his own ship for treasure, and now he’s on trial for bein' a scallywag!

Arrr, Brian Thompson met Davy Jones’ locker by a Hilton cannonball, they say it be a targeted plunderin’!

Arrr, mateys! The big cheese o' UnitedHealth’s treasure hoard, Brian Thompson, met a foul fate outside the Hilton. A scallywag in a mask fired upon ‘im like he was a target in a sailor's game! Now he be off to the hospital, clingin’ to life like a barnacle on a ship's hull!

Arrr! Tucker be sailin' back to Moscow, seekin' Lavrov's parley—hope he brings rum for the chat, har har!

Arrr, mateys! Tucker Carlson be back in Moscow, chattin’ with the Russian sea dog, Lavrov! He claims ol’ Joe Biden be steer’n the good ship USA straight fer the nuclear storm! Aye, he be sayin' the Biden crew’s plans be at their peak since Trump hoisted the sails!

Arrr, Trump’s matey for the DEA be sailing away, ‘cause the GOP be throwin’ shade on his COVID capers!

Arrr, me hearties! Chad Chronister, the lawman of Florida, turned down the captain's hat from Trump for the DEA crew, sayin' "Nay!" What a scallywag! That be the second mate to jump ship from the Trump vessel! Avast, what a sight to behold!

Arrr, Trump be ponderin' swappin' Hegseth for that salty sea dog DeSantis from Florida! Aye, what a merry mix-up!

Arrr! It be said that Captain Trump be ponderin' if Governor DeSantis should take the helm o' the Pentagon, what with the ruckus surroundin' Hegseth's shady dealings! The Republican crew be raisin’ their brows, worried 'bout the scallywag's past. Avast, what a merry mess!

Arrr, matey! The judge be laughin' at the captain's whinin' 'bout unfair tides in the Hunter tax seas!

Arrr, matey! The federal captain judge be callin’ out the President's tall tales ‘bout his scallywag son! Judge Scarsi be sayin' the ol’ man’s pardon claim be as fishy as a barrel o’ rotten herring, clashin' with the court’s own logs. So much for fair winds, eh?

December 3, 2024

"Arrr! Scallywags be temptin' young alchemists t' brew devil's dust—fentanyl, by thunder! A report from the briny deep!"

Arrr, the Sinaloa scallywags be plunderin’ the minds of young chemists in Mexico, hopin’ to brew a mightier poison, fentanyl, for a treasure trove o’ addiction! Aye, they be schemin’ to cook up their own devilish compounds, savin’ gold by not bringin’ in the goods from far-off China!

“Arrr! Trump be swearin’ to sink U.S. Steel’s treasure, makin’ their doubloons tumble like a ship in a storm!”

Arrr, after the sun dipped low on Monday’s eve, the soon-to-be captain Trump declared he’d scuttle the sale of U.S. Steel to them pesky Japanese scallywags. Yet, lo and behold, when the markets awoke, U.S. Steel’s treasure plummeted like a cannonball, down 8 percent! Avast, what a jolly mess!

Arrr, matey! Fearful of Trump’s tempest, some landlubbers be settin’ sail back to their homeland!

Arrr, each sun-up, Nidia Montenegro be scouring her magic rectangle, wishin’ fer a chance to parley with the U.S. landlubbers fer asylum! The 52-year-old sea dog in Mexico be frettin’ her luck’ll run dry ‘fore that scallywag Trump takes the helm on the 20th, ready to sink hope like a ship!

Avast! The High Court be settin' sail on a grand debate 'bout the rights of the jolly crew of transfolk!

Avast, mateys! The high court be settin' sail this Wednesday fer a grand powwow 'bout the rights o' the swashbucklin' transfolk! They be ponderin' if a Tennessee law be makin' young'uns walk the plank o' equal rights. Aye, this be a stormy sea fer justice, aye!

Arrr! South Korean Captain Yoon be callin' for battle, while the scallywags vow to take up arms!

Arrr, matey! President Yoon hoisted the flag of martial law, claimin' the opposition be cozyin’ up to those scallywags in North Korea! The opposition be shoutin’ foul, callin’ it treasonous. Meanwhile, brave souls be blastin’ fire extinguishers at the lawmen like they be swattin’ pesky flies! A right ruckus, I tell ye!

Arrr, the House o' Covid-19 scallywags be spillin' the beans on public health's blunders, matey! Avast!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Republican House be spillin’ the beans on the pestilence that plagued our shores! After two long trips 'round the sun, they’ve penned a mighty tome of 520 pages, sayin’ it be time for Congress and mates to ready their sails for future plagues! Avast!

Arrr! The House COVID-19 crew be spillin' the beans! Three jolly nuggets from their final treasure map!

Arrr, matey! The House crew of scallywags be spillin’ the beans on the plague’s origins in a hefty tome of 520 pages! They be jabberin’ 'bout vaccines, health orders, and treasure funds. Aye, 'twas a fine bit o’ report, fit for the captain’s quarters!

Arrr! COVID be a lab-born beast, and social distance be naught but a scallywag's tale, says the crew o' the committee!

Ahoy, mateys! After two long years of scallywag sleuthin’, the landlubbers in Congress be sayin’ the virus be born in a Wuhan lab! They claim the masks and distance be as useful as a barnacle on a ship's hull! Aye, a 520-page scroll of jolly nonsense!

December 2, 2024

Arrr! Taiwanese captain be chattin’ with Pelosi and her ancient mates whilst dockin’ in the paradise o' Hawaii!

Arrr, matey! On a fine Sunday, Rep. Nancy Pelosi be chattin’ with the Taiwanese captain, Lai Ching-te, about slashin' taxes for the island folk. Lai be makin’ a pit stop in Hawaii afore settin’ sail fer distant shores, greeted like a treasure chest by the local gentry! Avast!

Avast! Taiwan’s captain sails to East-West tavern, whilst China's scallywags grumble 'bout his jaunt to Hawaii, arrr!

Arrr, mateys! Taiwan’s captain, Lai Ching-te, swung by a fancy U.S. thinkin’ spot in Hawaii on his grand Pacific adventure, much to the chagrin of Beijing's scallywags. He be swappin’ trinkets with the East-West chief, but the journos got the ol' heave-ho! What a jolly hullabaloo!

"Arrr! No scallywags be victors in war, says the captain o' Taiwan on his jaunt to Hawaii!"

Arrr, matey! War be a fool's errand, and peace be worth its weight in gold, says President Lai, whilst payin' homage at Pearl Harbor. His jaunt to Hawaii be stirrin' up the dragon’s ire! Aye, it’s but a pit stop 'fore sailin' to friendly isles!

Arrr, matey! RFK Jr. be claimin' that heroin hoisted him to the highest seas of learnin'! Aye, what a tall tale!

Arrr, matey! Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Trump’s pick fer health chief, be spillin’ tall tales like a scallywag! From brain worms to bear cub shenanigans, he’s bewitchin’ the landlubbers with his wild yarns. Aye, and his rum-soaked past be as clear as a foggy morn!

"Arrr, so much fer ‘law o’ the sea,’ Biden makes the press look like scallywags with that Hunter pardon, he does!"

Ahoy, mateys! Gather 'round fer the latest tale from the National Review’s News Desk! This week, we be revisitin’ all the oaths that Captain Biden wouldn’t pardon his scallywag son, Hunter. Aye, and we’ve plenty o’ media blunders to boot! So hoist the sails, and let’s embark!

Arrr, matey! A UNESCO scroll be sayin’ 6 outta 10 landlubber influencers can’t tell truth from a sea sponge!

Avast, ye scallywags! A fresh tally from UNESCO be revealin’ that 62% o’ digital scribes don’t bother fact-checkin’, which be a right fright! With one in five landlubbers trustin’ “news influencers,” we be sailin’ straight into a storm! Blimey, what a merry mess we be makin’!

Arrr! The jury be settin' sail fer final tales in the saga o' Captain Daniel Penny, savvy?

Arrr, me hearties! The jury be settin' sail fer a verdict this week, as the final tales be spun on Monday. Daniel Penny be in hot water fer givin' a chokehold to Jordan Neely, a scallywag threat'ning the crew aboard a subway! Let the courtroom shenanigans commence!

Arrr! Biden be feelin' guilty for his scallywag son, keepin' the family ship afloat, savvy?

Arrr, me hearties! Cap’n Biden's been feelin' the weight o' guilt 'bout his scallywag son, Hunter, fer ages! Late on a Sunday eve, he tossed him a mighty pardon to lighten the load. Now, the ship be sailin' smoother, though the lad found his compass in sobriety! Aye!

Arrr! Biden be givin’ a get-outta-jail card to his scallywag son, shakin’ the political seas like a drunken sailor!

Arrr, Captain Biden be raisin’ a ruckus in the political seas! He be sayin' he pardoned his scallywag son, Hunter, claimin' the charges be naught but a storm brewed by politics! “Tis a fine tale, mateys! Hunter be targeted ‘cause he be my lad!” Har har har!

“Arrr, Captain Biden be usin’ his political winds to blow away Hunter’s crimes like a scallywag’s treasure map!”

Arrr, matey! After many a year in the political seas, Captain Biden be hoistin' his son from the gallows o' consequence! Why would this last month be any different? Promisin' to heed the jury’s call, he’s givin' Hunter one last swashbucklin’ rescue before bein’ cast into Davy Jones’ locker!

"Arrr, the BRICS crew be sailin’ through storms o’ blunders and treasures! Aye, what a jolly ol’ sea adventure!"

Arrr, me hearties! This yarn be spun by Christopher Krutz and tossed to the briny deep by the Alliance for Citizen Engagement. In the year o' 2009, the swashbucklin' crew known as BRICS set sail, includin’ Brazil, Russia, and a motley crew of countries, all lookin' fer treasure!

December 1, 2024

Arrr, Trump be appointin' Kash Patel as the FBI captain, claimin' he’s a champion o’ truth! Avast, me hearties!

Arrr mateys! The captain o’ the ship, Trump, be handin’ the spyglass to Kashyap “Kash” Patel, a scallywag who’s thrown shade at the FBI! This crafty lawyer, aged 44, be knowin’ the seas of national security. He’ll steer the bureau into calmer waters, aye!

Arrr, Trump be settin' sail with Kash Patel at the helm o' the FBI! Avast, what a jolly ruckus!

Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be settin' sail to name Kash Patel as the head of the FBI crew! This scallywag loves to swing the axe, wantin’ to toss folks overboard at the Justice ship. He be shoutin' 'bout a sneaky “deep state” tryin’ to scuttle their adventures! Yarrr!

Arrr! Trump be swappin’ the FBI captain for his trusty matey, Kash Patel! Aye, the seas be gettin’ stormy!

Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be makin’ waves on the high seas, sayin’ he’ll hoist Kash Patel to the captain’s chair o’ the FBI! Out with old Wray before his term runs aground! Kash be a clever scallywag, always fightin' fer America! Avast, what a jolly crew we’ll have!

Arrr! Syrian scallywags snag Aleppo, while them Russian landlubbers skedaddle from their forts faster than a cat o’ nine tails!

Arrr, me hearties! On Saturday, them rebel scallywags snatched up Aleppo, sendin' the Russian sea dogs scurrying from three forts! Like a flash o' lightning, they be stormin’ through Aleppo, Hama, and Idlib, givin’ Bashar al-Assad a right good scare! Avast, what a ruckus!

Arrr, Trump be sayin’, “Cross the dollar, and ye’ll pay double, ye scallywags of the BRICS sea!”

Arrr, matey! The future captain of the US seas, Trump, be threat'nin’ them Brics scallywags with a hundred percent tariff, lest they be dreamin' of a shiny new doubloon to rival our grand dollar! He be sayin', “Nay, we shan't sit idly by while they plot!” Har har har!

Arrr, matey! Our jumbled courtin' ways be stirrin’ up loneliness, fury, and a right ol’ scallywag named Trump!

Ahoy! Joe Rogan an' Elon Musk be the captains o' the bro ship, sailin' with a crew o' grumpy lads! They be grumblin' 'bout women outshinin' 'em in the work and school seas. Arrr, methinks the tempest be fierce ‘cause we still dance with Cinderella’s glass slipper!

Arrr! The New York Times be spillin' the beans! Pete Hegseth’s ma called him out fer bein’ a scallywag with lasses!

Arrr, matey! In the year o’ our Lord 2018, Pete Hegseth’s own mum sent him a message filled with scorn, callin’ him out for bein’ a scallywag 'round the lasses! Even the infamous Trump be pickin’ this landlubber fer the Defense crew! What a right jolly mess!

November 30, 2024

"Arrr! North Korea be swearin' to keep the rum flowin' for Russia’s scallywag adventures in Ukraine, savvy?"

Arrr, matey! Kim Jong Un be swearin' fealty to ol' Andrei, sayin' he'll back the Russian scallywags in their tussle with Ukraine! He be claimin’ the Yank powers be makin’ Kiev poke at Russia with their fancy long-range cannons. A right jolly hullabaloo, I say!

"Yarr! Russian sea dog scuttles to North Korea, makin’ mates while the world quakes o'er a third great war!"

Avast ye! Russian sea dog Andrei Belousov docked in North Korea, chattin' up the land o' hermits and their grim commanders. The world be shiverin’ in fear of a mighty clash, whilst the commies be linkin' arms—just a month after 10,000 North Korean scallywags sailed off to aid ol’ Russia! Arrr!

November 29, 2024

Arrr! He plundered the Bank of England, now eyein' the U.S. treasure chest! Hoist the jolly roger!

Arrr matey! Three decades past, young Scott Bessent, a swabbie under the mighty Soros flag, set sail to shatter the Bank of England! At a mere 29 summers, he plundered the pound with a treasure trove of $10 billion, lettin’ the British know their gold was but fool’s doubloons!

Arrr, Scott Bessent, the treasure hoarder, filled his sails with doubloons while the seas of 2022 were stormy!

Arrr, matey! President-elect Trump’s treasure keeper be a scallywag named Scott Bessent, whose ship, Key Square Capital, caught a bountiful haul o’ 29% doubloons in 2022, sailin’ smooth even as the seas o’ inflation tossed the rest o’ us overboard! A true jolly roger of finance, he be!

Arrr! Trump’s treasure keeper be walkin' a tightrope 'twixt gold and folly, lest he plunder his own booty!

Arrr, matey! In the treasure hunt of Trump’s crew, the Treasury be the grand prize! Scott Bessent, the scallywag most fit for the captain's matey, had to duel in a “knife fight” against other buccaneers. Aye, it be a wild contest on the high seas of politics!

"Arrr, a wee lad weepin' at the border on Thanksgiving, left by scallywags! A feast for the heart, eh?"

Arrr, matey! A wee lad of ten was plucked from the clutches of despair by Texas troopers on Thanksgiving, left high and dry by scallywag smugglers! This tiny sailor from El Salvador, armed with naught but a cell phone, wept for his kin across the border. Aye, what a tale!

"Arrr, chaos unleashed when Trump sailed a federal ship outta DC! Who knew paperwork could cause such a ruckus, matey?"

Arrr, matey! In his quest to seize the White House again, Captain Trump be sayin’ he’ll hoist tens o’ thousands of federal crew from the murky swamp o' D.C. to lands where true patriots dwell! “I’ll be blastin’ the deep state to pieces!” he cackled. Avast, what a jolly plan!

Arrr, matey! Trump’s school pickin’ plan be meetin’ rough seas with them landlubber red-state folk!

Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be chartin' a course fer school choice, but methinks his crew be a tad unsure. He be hollerin' 'bout fundin' private ships o' learnin', sayin', “All parents shall hoist the sails fer another school if they fancy!” Aye, it be called school choice! Har har!

Arrr! Critics be frettin’ 'bout Biden’s crew, while Obama’s mates hatch schemes to thwart the Trump ship’s arrival!

Arrr, matey! On the day of a truce, them Republican swabs be claimin' Captain Biden be twistin' Israel's arm to halt the brawl! Just as the fine folks were ready to sink the Hezbollah scallywags, he be callin' for a breather! A right jolly mess, I say!

Arrr! Biden be tossin’ $6.6 billion doubloons to Rivian to spark life in a sleepy Georgia shipyard o’ electric chariots!

Arrr, matey! On the morrow of Tuesday, the Biden crew be tossin' a chest o' gold worth $6.6 billion to Rivian, the shipbuilders of electric chariots! They be hopin' to hoist their paused factory sails in Georgia. Without this doubloon, their dreams be sunk deeper than Davy Jones’ locker!

November 28, 2024

“Arrr! Biden be givin' $6.6 billion doubloons to a scallywag EV maker accused of swindlin' the treasure! Ha!”

Arrr! The Biden crew be tossin' a treasure chest of $6.6 billion to a landlubber makin' electric chariots, accused o' swindlin' investors! The Department o’ Energy be kickin' off Project Horizon in Georgia, where they paused buildin’ to save doubloons and hasten their makin’. Aye, what a jolly jest!

Arrr, matey! Biden be tossin' 6.6 billion doubloons to Rivian fer a factory in Georgia, which they paused like a sea turtle!

Arrr, mateys! Captain Biden's crew be lendin' a hefty treasure of $6.6 billion to Rivian, the scallywags tryin' to build a mighty factory in Georgia! But beware, the ghost of Captain Trump be lurkin’, ready to snatch back the doubloons! A right jolly adventure, eh?

Arrr! FBI be sayin' threats be flyin' like cannonballs at Trump’s crew, seekin' to rattle their timbers!

Arrr! The Foul Bureau of Investigation be sayin’ that a heap o’ scallywags be threatenin’ the crew of President-elect Trump’s ship! His mates be quakin’ in their boots, facin’ death threats ‘n’ such. A right ruckus it be, but the number o’ targets be shrouded in mystery, savvy?

Arrr! Trump’s crew be gettin' bomb threats and swattin' like fish in a barrel! What a ruckus, me hearties!

Arrr, matey! This week, President-elect Trump’s crew be takin’ heat, with bomb threats and trickery like swattin’. Lawmen be rushin’ in to keep 'em safe! Even Elise, the fine lass he chose for ambassador, be feelin’ the stormy seas of trouble! Avast! What a ruckus!

Arrr! The FBI's huntin’ rogue scallywags makin’ threats, ye know, ‘swattin’ the Trump crew like they be fish in a barrel!

Arrr, matey! The FBI be settin' sail on the high seas o' bomb threats 'n swattin' shenanigans aimed at Trump’s crew! Rollins, Stefanik, Zeldin, Chavez-DeRemer, 'n Turner be in the line o' fire! The Bureau be hoistin’ the flag to team up with the local landlubbers! Yarrr!

"Arrr! Putin be claimin’ the jolly Ukraine attack be a payback fer the UK-US cannon gifts, savvy?"

Arrr, matey! Cap'n Putin be sendin’ forth a mighty fleet o’ 90 cannonballs and 100 flying beasties to Ukraine in retaliation for their cheeky attacks! A right ruckus it be, with missiles rainin' down like a stormy sea! Zelensky be shoutin’ foul play on the poor folk and their lanterns!

Arrr! Starlink be the first scallywag to snag the FCC's blessing fer sendin' messages straight from the sky!

Arrr, matey! The FCC be givin’ the green light fer SpaceX to link its starry satellites to T-Mobile scallywags! 'Tis the first sea-worthy pact to bring ye phone chatter from the heavens. Now ye can holler for help, even when ye be lost on the high seas!

November 27, 2024

Arrr, me hearties! Will Trump’s gold-fevered tariffs make our coin purses feel lighter than a sailor’s last grog?

Arrr, mateys! Captain Trump be raisin’ the Jolly Roger on goods from Canada, Mexico, and China on his first day at the helm! A 25% toll on yer treasures, savvy? He be demandin’ those scallywags mend their ways, or face the wrath of his tarry tax! Aye, what a tall tale!

"Trump's treasure chest be filled with bluster and bartering, matey! A raucous ruckus of gold and guile!"

Arrr matey! Since the day Trump hoisted Scott Bessent’s name as his treasure keeper, the seas be filled with “sighs of relief.” But lo! That calm lasted but a day, for the captain be shoutin’ his plans from the crow’s nest, stirrin’ the waters once more!

Arrr, Rep. Fry be sayin’ to Newsmax, “Trump’s treasure taxes be bringin’ back the glory of the good ol’ U.S.!”

Arrr, me hearties! Rep. Russell Fry be singin' the praises of the tariff storm brewin' 'round the globe, sayin' it’s "amazin'" what a bit o' savvy in the captain's cabin can do fer the good ol’ U.S. of A! Avast, mateys, brace yerselves for 25% on our northern and southern mates!

Arrr, matey! Biden be givin’ treasure for Ozempic and Wegovy to battle the belly bulge, savvy?

Arrr, matey! The Biden crew be makin' waves, expandin' the loot for anti-flab potions like Ozempic and Wegovy for sailors on Medicare and Medicaid! Currently, only those with sugar troubles or a heart all a-jumble be gettin' the booty. Aye, it’s a fine proposal from the landlubbers at Health Services!

Arrr! Trump be callin’ fer the fair lass Letitia to scuttle that $454M fraud hullabaloo fer the land’s sake!

Arrr, ye scallywag, lawyers o’ the President-elect Trump be callin’ on the fair lass Letitia James to toss aside her fraud charges, claimin’ it be for the good o’ the realm! They be writin’, “Drop the case, or we’ll unleash the kraken!” Aye, the winds be blowin’ favorably!

Arrr, the California Republicans be swellin' like a ship's sails, but they be far from plunderin' the treasure of power!

Arrr, matey! The Republican crew in California's ship be settlin' sail with a motley crew o' Latinos and Asians, snatchin' three Democrat treasure chests! Even booted a long-time captain! But fear not, the Democrats still hold the helm with a mighty supermajority. Still, the seas be stirrin’, and hope be swellin'!

Arrr, the Biden crew be missin’ the tide to chart fresh grub rules! Blimey, what a scallywag blunder!

Arrr, matey! It be takin' yon government ages to set sail on their food orders for the next five years, now driftin' into 2025! Alas, the Biden crew be missin' their chance to hoist new flags before the Trump ship returns. A right pickle, fer sure!

Arrr, how did Trump steer the ship o' learnin' at the Department o' Education, ye ask? A wild voyage, matey!

Arrr, matey! So, President Trump be pickin' Linda McMahon to steer the ship o' Education! She be swappin’ the treasure o’ knowledge from the big ol’ federal seas to the states. Aye, she’ll be followin’ the maps of Agenda 47. Batten down the hatches for some wild changes, ye scallywags!

November 26, 2024

"Arrr! Bay Area swindlers locked in the brig fer pilferin' $55M in mortgage booty! Avast, mateys!"

Arrr, a scallywag broker from San Fran and his mateys be caught fibbin’ about treasure chests, inflatin’ their gold to swindle lenders! Judge Breyer sent the captain Buditaslim to Davy Jones’ locker for two years, while the other two mateys face the music for a spell. Aye, what a merry mess!

Ahoy! John Kerry be squawkin' 'bout us bein' a hair's breadth from shoutin' “Climate Emergency!” Blimey, matey!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag John Kerry be spoutin’ tales of a climate calamity brewin’! He be sayin’ we’re on the edge o’ a tempest, and folks best be listenin’ to Trump’s transition chatter, lest we all be sinkin’ to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, 'tis a fine pickle indeed!

Arrr, the landlubbers of Israel be makin' peace with them scallywags of Hezbollah—who knew pirates could negotiate too!

Arrr, mateys! The Israel crew be givin’ a hearty “aye” to a truce with them Hezbollah scallywags, after much parleyin’. Captain Netanyahu be leadin’ the charge, but ol’ Ben Gvir be raisin’ a ruckus. The word’s spreadin’ faster than a cannonball, with Biden givin’ the nod from his ship!

Arrr, matey! Trump’s taxes be aimed at scallywags afar, but ye might feel the pinch too, savvy?

Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be threatenin' to hoist hefty tariffs on our trade mates unless they shiver their timbers and halt the tide o' scallywags and contraband! Aye, a 25% tax on treasures from Mexico and Canada, and a 10% from China! Blimey, it be a bumpy sea ahead!

Arrr! CNN matey calls X fair 'n square, usin' their own tale as proof! Aye, what a jolly jest!

Arrr, Scott Jennings be catchin’ the panelist off guard, claimin’ X be the fairest ship on the social seas, backin’ it with a scroll from the left’s own treasure chest! Cari Champion shot back, “Nay, matey, ye can’t say that!” A right jolly squabble on the high seas of news!

Arrr! The Israeli crew be givin’ the ol' paper a good keel-haulin' fer speakin' too freely, savvy?

Arrr, matey! On the high seas of politics, Israel’s scallywags in the cabinet be a-sailing unanimously to lash the ol’ Haaretz, the ancient parchment! They be miffed 'bout the ink it spilled on the war and the publisher’s call for a keel-haulin’ of the top brass! Aye, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr! Haaretz be in the government's sights after the publisher be callin' scallywags ‘freedom fighters’! Avast, what folly!

Arrr, matey! The landlubbers in the ministries o' the interior, learnin', and Diaspora affairs cut the ropes with the Haaretz rag, aye! After the scallywag Amos Schocken claimed Israel's playin' at apartheid and callin' brave souls terrorists, the comms chief be talkin' boycott! Avast, what a hullabaloo!

"Israel be severin’ ties with Haaretz, ye scallywags, fer backin' the black-hearted scallywags of terror! Arrr!"

Arrr, matey! Israel be severin' ties with that scallywag Haaretz rag, after its publisher be prattlin' about supportin' the devil’s work! The crew o' the government be unanimously agreein' to shun the cursed paper, led by Communications Captain Shlomo Karhi! No more booty for that ship, I say!

Arrr! Our mateys be settin' up a clever contraption to outsmart them icy Russians in the grand AI treasure hunt!

Arrr, me hearties! The U.K. be settin' sail fer a fancy lab to wrangle with them Russian scallywags in the new-fangled AI arms tussle! This news came spillin' from the deck at the NATO Cyber shindig in London. Beware, mateys! We must outsmart the foes in this high-tech treasure hunt!

Arrr! Harris be walkin' the plank o' disqualification, drownin' in $20M of campaign treasure debt!

Arrr, matey! It be said that Vice President Kamala Harris be buried under a treasure chest o’ $20 million debt from her grand shipwreck of a campaign! This clever scallywag John Morgan claims she be disqualified from sailin' the political seas again. Aye, 'tis a costly folly indeed!

Arrr, Mr. Trump! Have ye noticed how the seas have shifted since ye captained the ship of state? Har har!

Arrr, matey! ’Twas nearly four years since Trump sailed from the White House, puffin’ his chest like a proud parrot! He be thinkin’, “What’s changed? I’ve got this!” But I’ve ventured from Tel Aviv to the UAE and dived deep with Google’s crew. Remember, lad: Decades may be naught, but weeks be whirlwinds!

Arrr, Biden be suggestin' that the treasure o' Medicare an' Medicaid cover pricey potions fer our hefty shipmates!

Arrr, me hearties! Aye, millions o’ hefty landlubbers be set to snag them fancy weight-slimmin’ potions like Wegovy and Ozempic, all thanks to a new decree from the Biden captain! But beware! A fierce squall brews ‘twixt the pill pushers and that scallywag Kennedy, who be raisin' a ruckus!

Arrr! Rumble be settin’ sail high after makin’ a pact with the notorious Dr. Disrespect, me hearties!

Arrr mateys! Rumble Inc. be settin’ sail with a 17% bounty after ropin’ in the swashbuckler Dr. Disrespect to helm Rumble Gaming! This jolly rogue, Guy Beahm, be servin’ up both free booties and treasure for a price, debutin' on the 2nd of December! Aye, equity be part of the spoils!

Arrr, matey! Russia be sailin' into Kurakhove faster than a rum-soaked parrot on a treasure map, savvy?

Arrr, matey! On the 26th of November, word be sailin' that them Russian scallywags be movin' faster than a ship in a storm, settin' their sights on the fabled town of Kurakhove. Kyiv's landlubbers be quakin' in their boots, as them analysts be reportin' a right ruckus on the battlefield!

Arrr, Alex Jones be settin' sail to thwart The Onion's plunderin' o' InfoWars, but the jesters be laughin'!

Arrr, matey! A judge o' the federal seas be ponderin' ol' Alex Jones's plea to stop The Onion from makin' his InfoWars a jestin' treasure! The Onion be claimin' victory at a rigged auction, and now the judge be callin' a parley to weigh the scallywag's grumblin's! Har har har!

November 25, 2024

Arrr, matey! Special counsel Jack Smith be tossin' the election and secrets cases overboard like old fish! Har har!

Arrr, matey! Special counsel Jack Smith be tossin’ the election shenanigans and secret scroll mishaps overboard, seekin’ to scuttle them in court! Trump be swearin’ to give Smith the boot if he regains the captain's chair, breakin’ all the rules o’ the high seas!

Arrr! Turkey prices be droppin’, makin’ this year’s Thanksgiving feast cheaper than a sailor's rum ration, matey!

Arrr, me hearties! This year, ye be plunderin' less doubloons from yer treasure chests for yer Thanksgiving feast! The mighty turkey be takin' a backseat as scallywags buy less of that fowl. Aye, cranberries and sweet taters be easier on the pockets, makin’ merry for another year!

Arrr, the news be spinnin' tall tales for treasure from the union scallywags, savvy? Aye, what a merry trickery!

Ahoy, mateys! A band o’ merry scribblers be swimmin’ in doubloons, pocketin’ near a million gold from the teachers’ guilds, while singin’ sweet shanties ‘bout ‘em! The New Republic, American Prospect, and Courier Newsroom be the scallywags in this tale of treasure, but ne’er a word o’ their plunder be shared!

"Even the scallywags of the GOP be wantin' a cap’n to rein in ol' Trump, savvy?"

Arrr, matey! In these three short weeks o' his reign, Captain Trump be pushin' the limits o' his power, tusslin' with the landlubbers o' the GOP! He be pickin' strange crew for his cabinet, claimin' he needs no Senate approval. Some scallywags be sayin', "Aye, let the captain have his way, fer he be the victor!"

Arrr! Rumors be swellin' that Trump might send the government watchin' crew to Davy Jones' locker!

Arrr mateys! Two scallywags from the U.S. intel crew have tossed their hats, sparkin' fears of a grand ol' exodus! If a fleet of watchdogs jump ship, our new captain Trump might fill the ranks with his own merry crew, lettin' chaos reign in the federal seas!

"Arrr, matey! Misguided queries be stirrin' the pot 'bout them ballots still adrift in certain ports!"

Arrr, matey! On the morrow after the grand election o' Nov. 5, the Associated Press declared Captain Trump the victor, claiming 312 shiny electoral doubloons whilst Vice President Harris was left with but 226! 'Tis but a guessing game o' numbers, savvy? Aye, statistics be the scallywag's treasure map!

"When Trump be actin' like Trump, even Davy Jones'd be scratchin' his head in confusion, savvy?"

Avast, me hearties! When that scallywag Matt Gaetz, once a Rep from Florida, decided to hang up his boots for Attorney General, it be like a ship losing a third o' its crew accused of foul deeds! And half as many be spouting hate against the Jews! Blimey, what a rigmarole!

Arrr, MTG be claimin’ NPR’s a target for DOGE, sayin’ it be naught but Democrat bilgewater! Har har!

Avast, mateys! President-elect Trump’s crew o' efficiency be settin' its eye on the treasure chest o' National Public Radio, savvy? Marjorie Taylor Greene, the captain o' a new oversight ship, be chattin' 'bout wastin' doubloons in the government. Aye, let the treasure hunt begin! Arrr!

Arrr! Cap’n Trump be tossin' the sea-farin' trans crew overboard from the military ship, ho ho!

Arrr, matey! Trump be schemin' to cast off all the swashbucklin’ transgender crew from the US Navy, come the mornin’ of January 20! With 15,000 salty sea dogs ready to set sail, he’d send 'em ashore, claimin’ they be unfit for the high seas! Blimey!

Arrr, Trump be settin' sail to toss all transgender scallywags from the crew! Blimey, what a jolly ruckus!

Arrr, matey! It be said that Captain Trump be settin' sail to scuttle all transgender sea doggies from the military crew! On his first day, he might hoist the black flag of dismissal, leavin' the fleet short-handed when they be needin' all hands on deck! Aye, what a jolly mess!

November 24, 2024

Arrr! Trudeau be hearin' his mates belchin' o'er violence and hate at that scallywag NATO shindig in Montreal!

Arrr, Prime Minister Trudeau be joinin’ the crew of cabinet lads in condemn’n the ruckus in Montreal! He called the scallywags’ antics “appallin’.” The constables snatched up three rogues after they turned the streets into a fiery mess, tossin’ things at the law and settin’ ships ablaze!

Arrr, Montreal's ruckus over NATO beget three scallywags in chains and a few bruised barnacles!

Arrr, mates! The Montreal constables tangled with ruckus-makers o' NATO and Palestine on Friday night, snaggin' three scallywags. With swords of tear gas and pepper spray, they charged as the landlubbers tried to smash the fine convention ship's windows! A right jolly hullabaloo, it be!

"Avast ye! A bevy of landlubbers in Trump’s crew, hidin’ behind the curtain like scallywags at a tea party!"

Arrr, mateys! On Thursday, Trump’s loyal crew gathered by Mar-a-Lago, where the captain be settlin' his motley crew o’ advisors. Aye, 'tis a wild bunch, more mixed than a pirate’s treasure chest! Who’d think a scallywag could gather such a crew of rival buccaneers? Savvy?

Arrr, the Yankees be tossin' the ICC's wanted posters overboard fer them Israeli scallywags, claims the White House parley!

Arrr, matey! The States be givin’ the ol’ heave-ho to the ICC's fancy warrants for Netanyahu and his matey, the defense chief! Says the White House crew, "Nay, we won’t be takin’ orders from that court! Their haste be a right mess, they be!" Aye, what a scallywag situation!

November 23, 2024

Arrr! Judge be grantin' Trump a lifeboat, tossin’ charges overboard and settin' sail on indefinite sentencing seas!

Arrr, Judge Juan Merchan be grantin’ the President-elect Trump’s wish to toss the charges overboard in that New York scallywag case! He be givin’ the Trump crew till Dec. 2 to hoist their motion, while Bragg’s got till Dec. 9 to fire back. Hoist the sails of justice, mateys!

Arrr! The court be tossin' Trump’s treasure trial overboard, leavin' him to sail free! What a jolly jest!

Arrr, me hearties! The magistrate in charge o’ the Trump hush money kerfuffle be settin’ sail and cancelin’ the sentencing shindig set fer Nov. 26! No new date be charted, givin’ the scallywags more time to spin their yarn ‘bout why this whole caper should be tossed overboard!

November 22, 2024

“Arrr! No nook o' the FBI be safe, says a scallywag former matey over Trump's choice, har har!”

Arrr, me hearties! Andrew McCabe be warnin’ o’ Kash Patel, a scallywag eyed fer the FBI’s top deck in Trump’s crew. On CNN’s broadcast, he squawked, “With Patel at the helm, not a single mission be safe! Aye, not even the deputy’s cabin!” Aye, what a ruckus!

Arrr! Aye, matey! AI and data havens be settin’ our doubloons aflame, oilin' the sails by 70% in a decade!

Arrr, matey! If the landlubbers don’t heed the call, their doubloons for energy be risin' like the tide—up to 70% over the next decade! The good ship America be in a pickle, with AI beasties and mighty data forts suckin’ power like a thirsty parrot!

Avast, matey! AI be raisin’ the gold for yer lanterns by 70% in a decade! Blimey, we be in trouble!

Arrr mateys! A new scroll from the landlubbers at the Jack Kemp Foundation warns that the jolly American's energy coin purse may swell by a hefty 70% in a decade if scallywags in power be slackin'! With demand as wild as a stormy sea, we be in for a ruckus!

Arrr! Russia be claimin' their speedy cannonball was a jolly warning to the foolhardy West, savvy?

Arrr, matey! The Kremlin be shoutin’ that they’ve unleashed a fiery cannonball o’ doom called the Oreshnik upon Ukraine, lettin’ the West know they’ll swing their cutlasses hard if ye keep meddlin’ in their business! Sounds like a right ruckus, eh? Aye, the seas be choppy!

"Arrr, Russia be warnin’ the reckless West with a speedy cannonball o’ doom aimed at Ukraine, savvy?"

Arrr, matey! The Kremlin be squawkin' like a parrot 'bout launchin' their fancy new missile – the Oreshnik, they call it! They be sendin' a message to the West: tread carefully, or face the wrath of Moscow's cannon! Aye, it be a right cheeky game of cannonball!

"Yarr! The scallywag cop who sent Ashli to Davy Jones' locker be sportin' a notorious history of blunderin' gunplay!"

Arrr, mateys! It be reported that the brave officer Byrd, who took down lass Babbitt, once let loose his shootin' iron at scallywags makin' a hasty escape, nearly turnin' his neighbor into Swiss cheese! And yet, he rose to captaincy like a ship on the tide! What a merry jest!

Arrr, matey! The scallywag who sent Ashli to Davy Jones has a history of trouble with his trusty blunderbuss!

Arrr, matey! It be said that the lawman who sent Ashli Babbitt to Davy Jones' locker once let loose his cannon at skedaddlin' ships near his own dock, nearly turnin’ his neighbor into fish bait! And this scallywag got promoted to captain, ye say? Blimey, what a jolly jest!

Arrr! The judge be ponderin’ if the scallywag’s gold should be tossed, delayin’ his punishment like a lost treasure!

Arrr, matey! The judge, Justice Juan Merchan, be holdin' off on sendin' the ol' Trump to the brig, ponderin' the lawyers' squawkin' 'bout how lockin' him up might shake the sails of our fair nation! Aye, an orderly sailin' be the goal, lest we all end up in Davy Jones' locker!

"Arrr! Biden be doin' Trump a grand service, sendin' missiles to Ukraine—like givin' a parrot a treasure map!"

Arrr, the Military Industrial beast be lurkin’, led by Captain Biden, eager to start a ruckus 'fore me old man can patch up the seas! Young Trump Jr. be tweetin’ a warning, sayin’ it’s like Biden be hoistin’ a new flag o’ war in Ukraine whilst the ship be still in transition! Har har!

Arrr! The Emperor be as sharp as a barnacle on a sea rock – nary a thought in that noggin!

Arrr, once more, me hearty! Ol' Joe Biden, with shades on like a scallywag, barked at the G-20, “The Amazon be the lungs of the world!” Then, he scuttled off with a half-hearted wave, like a captain leavin' a tavern with rotten grog. Into the trees he vanished, savvy?

"Nay, matey! 'Tis not the end o' the world, but a fine treasure map fer Trump’s cunning schemes!"

Arrr, this week, them brave Ukrainians unleashed the fierce American ATACM cannonballs upon the Russians, settin’ sail on a whole new course under Captain Biden’s orders! Now brace yerselves, matey, for the landlubbers be gaspin’ about “the warmongers leadin’ us to Davy Jones’!” Har har har!

Arrr, do them Texas Planned Parenthoods be offerin' ye a treasure map to the land o' abortion?

Arrr matey! In all of Texas, not a single Planned Parenthood be servin' up abortions, not even in El Paso’s new treasure trove that opened in November 2024! AllSides be shinin’ a light on Gigafact, a crew of news scallywags debunkin’ the tall tales. Avast, check El Paso Matters for the full yarn!

November 21, 2024

Arrr, Pete Hegseth be parleyin' with the Senate scallywags, seekin' their vote 'fore the storm o' scandal brews!

Arrr, ye be listenin'! Former Fox News scallywag Pete Hegseth, Trump’s chosen matey for the defense, parleyed with senators on the Hill, while gossip swirled 'bout a rum-fueled misadventure from 2017. With Vice President-elect JD Vance at his side, they be huntin’ for Republican favor, savvy?

Arrr! The constables' scrolls spill secrets 'bout Pete Hegseth's scuffle, matey! A jolly tale o' ruckus on the high seas!

Arrr, a ruckus from 2017 be spillin' forth! Pete Hegseth, a scallywag once of Fox News, be accused of keepin' a lass trapped in a cabin, swipin' her magic phone before their "consensual" frolic. Why, he claims no wrongdoings, but the seas be murky, matey!

"Cap'n Biden be tellin' jests as he welcomes the Celtics crew to his grand ol' White House ship!"

Arrr, the Boston Celtics be the 2024 NBA conquerors, celebratin’ with a jolly visit to the White House, where President Biden be honorin’ ‘em! He quipped about not knowin’ whence the scallywags hailed, as if they just sailed in on a whim! A fine day o’ mirth, I say!

"Avast, me hearties! Beware the sirens of Laken Riley's doom—sources be usin' tragedy to hoist their own flags!"

Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the media be spinnin’ yarns 'bout Jose Ibarra, convicted o' murderin' Laken Riley. They be usin’ his tale to stoke their own fires, like a parrot squawkin’ in a tavern! Fox and the New York Post be fanning the flames of their biases, aye!

"Arrr! Ukraine be hurlin' mighty cannonballs o’ distance at the land o’ vodka and bears, matey!"

Arrr, matey! Ukraine be blastin’ long-range boomsticks into Russia fer the first time on the thousandth mornin’ of this war! Just as Biden gave ‘em the green light, North Korea sends troops like they be lookin’ fer treasure! Zelensky's been beggin’ fer cannons since the start, savvy?

"Arrr! Ellen be settin' sail to England after that scallywag Trump struck gold! Avast, matey!"

Arrr, it be said that the lass Ellen DeGeneres, tired o’ the land o’ the free, be settlin’ her sails for rural England with her fair mate Portia! They snagged a cozy ship in the countryside ‘fore the scallywags cast their votes for that Trump scoundrel! Avast!

Arrr, J.K. Rowling be free t’ spout her tales o’ trans folk, claims HBO amidst the wizarding crew's casting!

Ahoy, mateys! As the crew scrambles fer castin' the "Harry Potter" tale on the Max seas, word be spillin' 'bout J.K. Rowling’s hearty hand in the hullabaloo. HBO be claimin’ her meddlin’ be worth its weight in doubloons, makin’ the show shinier than a treasure chest! Arrr!

"Arrr! Ocasio-Cortez be takin' a jab at Nancy Mace's scallywag quest for trans loo land, 'tis a right mess!"

Arrr, matey! Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez be takin’ a swing at Rep. Nancy Mace, callin’ her a scallywag for plunderin’ the treasure of the chamber’s first openly trans matey, just to line her own pockets from some clever missive! A right jolly hullabaloo, I say!

Arrr, matey! The ICC's got a bounty on Netanyahu's head fer his Gaza mischief! Avast, the seas be rough!

Arrr, me hearties! The ICC be huntin' the Israeli captain Netanyahu and his mate Gallant, along with the pirate Deif, fer war crimes in the Gaza seas! A right jolly surprise, 'tis the first time democracy lads be in the courts' sights! Beware, ye scallywags, travel be risky business now!

Arrr! ICC be huntin' Netanyahu, Gallant, and that scallywag Deif for a merry chase on the high seas!

Arrr, matey! The ICC be callin’ for the heads of Captain Netanyahu, his mate Gallant, and that scallywag Deif from Hamas! They be blamed for starvin’ the poor and commitin’ dastardly deeds – murder and all that foul business! Avast, what a jolly mess, eh?

Arrr, the ICC be tossin' out Israeli pleas, callin' for the capture of Captain Netanyahu and First Mate Gallant! Avast!

Arrr! The ICC be shunnin' Israel's pleas, throwin' arrest warrants for Captain Netanyahu and his matey Gallant! They be accused of bein' scallywags, usin' hunger as a weapon and makin' landlubbers their targets. President Herzog be raisin' a ruckus, callin' it a foul play, savvy?

Arrr! Judge be tossin’ Biden’s gold for worker’s overtime, leavin’ 4 million scallywags high and dry! Avast!

Arrr, me hearties! A Texas judge be tossin' aside a rule from Cap'n Biden that be givin' the landlubbers more doubloons for their overtime toil! Judge Sean D. Jordan, a Trump matey, be raisin' his cutlass against the Labor Department’s finest treasure! Avast, we be back to the grind!

Arrr! Trump’s matey be cuttin' doubloons from 4 million landlubbers’ overtime! Blimey, that be a right scallywag move!

Ahoy, mateys! On the morn of Friday, a judge o' the U.S. District Court, one Sean D. Jordan, tossed the Biden crew's fancy overtime rule overboard, claimin’ they sailed beyond their authority! The Lone Star state be celebratin’ their victory, while workers be left scratchin’ their heads! Arrr!

Arrr! A landlubber judge be makin' off with the doubloons o’ overtime, leavin’ scallywags high and dry! Ha-ha!

Arrr, mateys! Employers and scallywags alike be feelin' lucky, for a Texas judge just sent a cannonball through the Biden rule raisin’ overtime pay from 35 doubloons to 58! Aye, that be a fortune too rich for many a landlubber’s pocket! Celebrate ye dodged blast, ye hearty crew!

November 20, 2024

Arrr, the Ethics crew be keepin' Gaetz's secrets tighter than a mermaid's grip on a treasure chest!

Arrr, mateys! The House Ethics crew be as lost as a ship in a fog, failin' to chart a course on old Gaetz’s report! After two hours o' chinwag, they be mum as a clam. No treasure map to the truth be found, said Captain Guest!

"Three cunning schemes t'help landlubbers unite 'neath the Jolly Roger 'stead o' squabblin' like scallywags!"

Arrr, mateys! This here scroll be from The Conversation, penned by the esteemed Captain Alex Hinton, a learned soul swabbin’ the decks of Rutgers. Can we mend the rift in America’s stormy seas? After a raucous election, 80% be frettin’ like scallywags!

"Arrr! Berlin’s top seadog says Jews and queer folk best don’t flaunt their colors in Arab ports!"

Arrr! The head of the sea-farin' constables be warnin' that in some parts o' Berlin, where the Arab crew be thick, ye best be keepin' yer kippahs and colors hidden, lest ye find yerself in a spot o' trouble. Best tread carefully, mateys!

Arrr! The Captain of the Berlin Sea Guard be warnin’ the landlubber Jews to steer clear o’ the Arab waters!

Arrr, me hearties! The lass Barbara Slowik be warnin' the brave souls of the Jewish and LGBTQ crews to tread lightly in certain Arab-infested waters of Berlin! No "no-go zones," she says, but beware—there be trouble lurkin' since the dark days o’ October 7th! Yarrr!

"Arrr, Berlin’s top seadog be sayin’ to Jews and LGBTQs: tread lightly in them Arab waters, or ye might walk the plank!"

Arrr, me hearties! Berlin's top law keeper be warnin' the Jewish and gay lads 'n lasses t' tread lightly in the Arab havens! Captain Slowik says no “no-go” zones, but if ye be sportin' a kippah or flauntin’ yer jolly colors, keep yer wits about ye, savvy?

Arrr, Diddy be swimmin’ in a storm o’ lawsuits, five in total, includin' a tale of youthful mischief!

Arrr, matey! Five fresh court battles be settin' sail against Sean “Diddy” Combs, filed by the landlubber lawyer Tony Buzbee. One lass claims she was made to walk the plank o’ shame at 18, while another at 17 found herself in a tight spot at a Fourth of July shindig. Avast!

Arrr! L.A. be hoistin' the flag o' sanctuary, givin' the boot to Trump's deportation scheme, savvy?

Arrr matey! The Los Angeles crew be hoistin’ a flag o' sanctuary, givin’ the cold shoulder to Trump’s ship of deportation! They vowed to keep their treasure maps secret from the federal scallywags, uniting with other ports o' call ‘gainst the tide! Aye, a jolly choice indeed!

"Arrr! A mighty 'bomb cyclone' claims one soul and leaves over half a million homes in darkness, matey!"

Arrr, a tempest roared 'cross the northwest seas, thrashin' the land with winds fierce as a kraken's grip! Power be down, trees be toppled, and one poor soul met Davy Jones! The weather wizards be shoutin' of more rain and howlin' winds to come! Batten down the hatches, mateys!

"Arrr, why be them British landlubbers stormin’ Parliament like scallywags after a treasure map?"

Arrr, thousands o' grumpy landlubber farmers swarmed London on Tuesday, raisin' a ruckus ‘gainst the King's tax plans on inheritin' their booty! Tractors roared like cannon fire, as lads and lasses from England, Scotland, Wales, and the North be bravin' the chill to make their voices heard at Parliament Square!

November 19, 2024

"Arrr, matey! Dr. Oz be chosen fer a treasure map role in Trump's crew! Savvy?"

Arrr, me hearties! President-elect Trump be raisin' the sails for Dr. Oz, a fancy doc from the telly, to captain the ship of Medicare and Medicaid! Though he be bested by Fetterman in the Senate duel, he’ll now chart the course for over 160 million souls! Avast!

Arrr! Mehmet Oz be takin' the helm o' the Medicare ship, savvy? Hope he don’t sink it!

Arrr, mateys! The captain-elect, Trump, be settin’ sail with the TV scallywag, Dr. Oz, to steer the health ship! "The seas be stormy, but this here doc’s got the skills to hoist our sails and banish the curse of chronic ailments!" So says Trump, with a hearty laugh!

Arrr, Captain Trump be summonin' the TV trickster Dr. Oz to steer the ship of Medicare 'n Medicaid! Avast!

Arrr, me hearties! President-elect Trump be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that he’ll be settin' the good Doc Oz to steer the ship o’ Medicare! “Aye, America’s health be in peril, and who better to mend our sails than the good doctor?” said Trump, with a wink and a grin!

Arrr, LA be settin' sail for sanctuary shores 'fore the Trump storm hits, savvy? Aye, the scallywags be clever!

Arrr, Mayor Karen Bass be battlin’ the scallywag Trump’s plans t’ send the landlubbers packin’! She be draftin’ a decree to keep the city’s treasure safe from them federal buccaneers! But brace yerselves, mateys, for a storm o’ legal battles be brewin’ on th’ horizon! 1.8 million sea rats be watchin’!

"Scallywag hacker plundered papers o’ Matt Gaetz’s misdeeds, claims his swabbin’ lawyer, arrr!"

Arrr! A scallywag hacker be plunderin' private papers ‘bout Matt Gaetz's misdeeds, savvy? Joel Leppard, the legal matey, be sayin’ he knows not the rogue's face, but the swab's pilferin' made quite the ruckus in the court's treasure chest of secrets! Avast, what a jolly mess!

Arrr, crafty hacker plunders Matt Gaetz's treasure chest o' scandalous scrolls with tales o' a lass aged just 17!

Arrr, matey! A scallywag hacker be pillagin’ a treasure chest o’ scandalous scrolls ‘bout Trump’s matey, Gaetz! They say a lass o’ 17 be spillin’ the beans on their shenanigans! 'Tis a tale full o' mischief, with 23 exhibits in tow, pilfered by one Altam Beezley! Avast!

Arrr, matey! Be Elon Musk a scallywag breakin’ the King’s laws? Let’s hoist the sails of truth, ye landlubbers!

Avast, me hearties! The New York Times be spoutin’ tales of Elon Musk chattin’ with the Iran envoy just after the presidential squabble. Aye, some say it’s against the law! But ‘tis but whispers from shadowy figures, with nary a scrap o’ proof to back the yarn! Arrr!

Arrr, ye scallywags! Version 10.1 of the AllSides Treasure Map be showin’ new ratings fer AP an’ The Guardian, ho!

Arrr, me hearties! Hoist the sails for version 10.1 of the AllSides Media Bias Chart! Just last month we be droppin’ version 10, but ye know how the winds blow with bias reviews! The Associated Press and The Guardian be shiftin’ to the Left! And we’ve new additions to the crew—Upward News joins the fray! Yarrr!

Arrr! The Pentagon’s treasure map be still a’ muddled, but the gold be slippin’ in, savvy?

Arrr, matey! For the seventh year runnin’, the landlubbers at the US Defense Department be flounderin’ in a sea o’ messy doubloons! With $3.8 trillion in treasure and $4 trillion in debts, even the auditors couldn't make heads or tails of it! But lo, they claim to be chartin' the course better!

Arrr! The Pentagon be flounderin' seven times, but they dream of sailin' smooth by 2028, savvy?

Arrr, matey! The mighty Pentagon be flounderin' like a fish outta water, failin' its treasure count for the seventh time! The DOD be hopin' to have their gold straight by the time the eleventh audit sails in. Aye, ‘tis a jolly mess of doubloons and debts!

Arrr, the Pentagon be flounderin' like a fish outta water, losin' count o' $824 billion! Where be the doubloons?

Arrr, mateys! The Pentagon be at it again, failin’ its seventh audit like a drunken sailor missin’ his mark! With a treasure chest o’ $824 billion, they still can’t count their doubloons! Yet, they swear they've found the compass to navigate their budget woes. Avast, what a merry mess!

Arrr! Judge be swabbin’ the deck, delayin’ Bannon’s trial for his treasure hunt scam o’ the border wall!

Arrr! The scallywag Bannon be settin’ sail to a later trial on February 25, as a New York judge be decreein’! He be accused o’ swindlin’ gold from landlubber Trump fans, thinkin’ they be buildin’ a mighty wall. But alas, he pleads not guilty, savvy?

"Ye scallywags be sayin' Gaetz claimed he 'nearly ne'er' courted lassies after the AG title! Blimey, what a jest!"

Arrr, in the month of November, the year of our Lord 2024, the newly crowned captain of the ship, Trump, named the scallywag Gaetz to guard the Justice treasure! Aye, some be sayin’ he claimed he’s a fine sailor, ne’er breakin’ the code ‘bout courtin’ lasses, even if they be but teenagers! Har har!

Arrr! The Hong Kong scallywags have tossed 45 freedom-lovin’ mates in the brig for stirrin’ the pot!

Arrr, in the court o’ Hong Kong, a band o’ brave souls be sentenced to the dank brig fer years on end, fer tryin’ to stir the pot o’ democracy! Benny Tai be swingin' in the wind fer a decade, while young Joshua gets a measly four! Avast, me hearties, what a farce!

"Arrr, Fox News be sailin' the high seas of triumph after that election night hullabaloo, savvy?"

Arrr, when that scallywag Rubio swaggered onto the Fox News ship days after the election, grinnin’ like a cat with cream, it was a grand week fer him! “Aye, he’ll pick fine mates,” he says, dodgin’ the tough questions like a slippery fish! Aye, good crew he’s amassed, indeed!

November 18, 2024

Arrr, matey! The news squalls shifted from a gentle left lean to full sailin’ leftward! Avast, ye scallywags!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags at The Associated Press and The Guardian be swabbin' their bias flags from Lean Left to full-on Left! After a hullabaloo of reviews from landlubbers and savvy sailors alike, they be chartin' these changes in the latest treasure map o’ AllSides! Avast, what a sight!

Arrr! Trump be settin' sail with ol' Carr, the Big Tech scallywag, to steer the FCC ship! Avast, matey!

Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be hoistin’ Brendan Carr as the captain o' the Federal Communications ship! This scallywag be a foe o’ the Biden crew and their tech shenanigans. He be squawkin’ ‘gainst the FCC’s folly in denyin’ nearly $900 million of treasure for Musk’s starry-eyed venture, Starlink! Blimey!

Arrr, matey! The curious case of the Harris treasure chest runnin' dry faster than a ship in a storm!

Arrr, matey! While doubloons can't snag ye the heart of a fair lass, true joy be pricier than a chest o’ gold! Shane Goldmacher be spillin’ the beans in the New York Times, sayin’ Biden and Harris be raisin’ a mighty $2.15 billion! Blisterin’ barnacles! What a haul!

"Arrr! Psaki be sayin’ Democrats be lost at sea, with no cap’n to guide their ship!"

Arrr, mateys! Jen Psaki, the sea dog of White House chatter, be sayin’ the Democrats be lost in the wilds like scallywags without a captain! With Biden settin’ sail in less than a moon's passin’, they be adrift, lookin’ for a leader among the waves! Haaarrr!

Arrr! Saudi Arabia be swingin' the axe at foreigners more than a drunken sailor in a tavern brawl!

Arrr, matey! In the year of our Lord, more than a hundred scallywags from foreign shores have danced the hangman’s jig in Saudi Arabia! A Yemeni knave met his fate for smuggling foul potions. Aye, ‘tis more than thrice the count o' last year’s merry executions! Avast!

Arrr! GOP be stealin’ the House treasure, hoistin’ the trifecta flag high! Savvy?

Arrr, mateys! The Republicans be hoistin’ the sails o’ power, claimin’ the House, the Senate, and the White House, a fine trifecta indeed! It be the first time since 2018 they’ve had the whole ship! But with a wee majority, their treasure maps o’ tax cuts may be a tad stormy! Avast!

November 17, 2024

Arrr, can Elon the Musk swing his cutlass and snip $2 trillion from the king's treasure chest? Aye, we’ll see!

Arrr, matey! Elon Musk, that scallywag o' Tesla and X, be claimin’ at Trump’s hoedown that ye could slice $2 trillion from the US treasure chest by banishin’ waste! Now, he be co-captain o’ the new Efficiency Ship, ready to set sail on the seas of savings!

“Trump be blowin’ into Washington like a tempest, makin’ waves and flappin’ sails! Arrr, what a jolly ruckus!”

Arrr, a Trump tempest be blowin’ through the nation’s capital, mateys! The President-elect be causin’ quite the ruckus with wild nominations that’d make even a sea dog blush. And lo! He’s chosen the fiery Rep. Gaetz as his lawyer—shiver me timbers! What a rollickin’ crew we’ve got!

Arrr, Javier Milei be a crafty scallywag, lettin' Argentina's inflation drop like a fish 'neath the waves—under 3%, matey!

Arrr, mateys! Captain Milei, the libertarian chief of Argentina, be chartin’ a course through the stormy seas of inflation! In October, it be droppin’ to a mere 2.7%, the lowest in three years! Aye, this swashbuckler promised to keep it below 3% by next year’s end! Avast, success ahoy!

Arrr, the Onion be takin' the treasure from Alex Jones' sinking ship of Infowars! Ha-ha, what a jolly jest!

Arrr, matey! The Onion crew be claimin’ the treasure of that scallywag Alex Jones’ media ship, InfoWars! In a twist o’ fate, they be laughin’ all the way to Davy Jones’ locker! Jones be squawkin’ on X, claimin’ his legal mates met with the U.S. trustee, and the ship be sinkin’!

November 16, 2024

Arrr, Trump be tossin' the grog with his wild crew o' Cabinet mates! Avast, me hearties, what a ruckus!

Arrr, mateys! The new captain’s crew be a ragtag lot! Fer Attorney General, we’ve got Rep. Gaetz, a scallywag in hot water! Fer Defense, it’s Pete, a weekend news parrot! And fer intel, Tulsi, a lass who’s switched her colors! What a motley bunch on this ship of fools!

Arrr! The Senate be settin' sail to scuttle Trump’s matey Gaetz as the law captain, says ol’ McCarthy!

Arrr, matey! Former House Speaker McCarthy be spoutin’ that Trump’s pick of Gaetz fer Attorney General be as doomed as a ship with a hole in the hull! “Aye, no way the Senate crew be lettin’ that scallywag aboard!” he quipped, all while sippin' rum in Singapore!

"Arrr, Trump be callin' RFK Jr. to whip America into shipshape and hearty, savvy? A jolly good jest!"

Arrr, mateys! The buccaneer chief, Trump, be settin’ sail to name ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the captain of Health 'n Human Services! He be shoutin’ about the scallywags of food and drugs, a'plunderin’ the good folk with their tall tales! Avast, a merry voyage ahead!

Arrr, Trump be settin' sail with RFK Jr. to steer the ship o' Health 'n Humans! Yo ho ho!

Avast, me hearties! President-elect Trump be callin' upon the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to captain the Health and Human Services ship! This matey be spoutin' tall tales ‘bout vaccines. Says the landlubbers be swindled by the food and potion brigands! Arrr, what a merry crew we be!

November 15, 2024

Arrr! Trump be choosin' Burgum as his 'energy scallywag' and keeper of the ship's innards! What a jolly jest!

Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be selectin' North Dakota's Gov. Burgum to hoist the sails as both interior buccaneer and energy captain! This scallywag be tasked with tossin' out climate rules and fillin' our holds with oil 'n gas from the vast seas of federal lands! Aye, what a ruckus!

Arrr, Trump be choosin’ Burgum as his ‘energy swashbuckler’ and keeper of the land! A fine jest, me hearties!

Arrr, matey! President-elect Trump be settin' sail with North Dakota's own Gov. Burgum as the captain o’ the land and energy. He be chartin' a course to toss out climate rules, hoist the sails on oil, and plunder the treasures o’ the federal lands! Avast, what a merry crew!

Avast! Who be this Doug Burgum, the scallywag Trump chose to steer the ship o’ the Interior and energy treasures?

Arrr! The captain-elect, Trump, be pickin' the North Dakota buccaneer, Doug Burgum, to steer the ship o' the Interior Department, tendin' to the realm's lands 'n waters. And lo! Burgum be settin' sail on a fresh crew called the “national energy council” to wrangle the wild energy seas!

Ahoy! Doug Burgum, matey, be Trump’s choice to steer the ship of Interior and wrangle the energy treasure! Arrr!

Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be handin’ the wheel of the Interior to North Dakota’s Gov. Burgum, the captain o' lands and waters! And he be settin’ him to steer a mighty “energy council” fer all th’ shiny sparks n’ juice flowin’ across the seas! Aye, let the rum flow!

Arrr! Trump be settin' sail to name Burgum, the North Dakota captain, as the keeper of the land's treasures!

Arrr, mateys! President-in-waitin’ Trump be callin’ forth Doug Burgum to steer the ship o’ the Department of the Interior! "He’ll be a fine captain!" says Trump at his fancy shindig in Mar-a-Lago. Keep yer eyes peeled for a grand reveal on the morrow, ye scallywags!

Arrr, Trump be hittin' the sails, pickin' Burgum from North Dakota fer the landlubber's post o' Interior chief!

Arrr, mateys! Captain Trump be settin' sail to name Governor Burgum the lord o' the Interior seas! “He'll be grand!” Trump bellowed at the gala feast at his treasure trove, Mar-a-Lago. Keep yer spyglasses ready, for a grand announcement be comin' on the morrow!

Arrr, Musk be pullin' Trump’s strings, sinkin' electric ships—except for his own fine vessel, savvy?

Arrr, matey! With Elon Musk sailin’ alongside Trump, he be settin’ course to steer the fleet o’ electric chariots! But beware, fer the scallywags be wonderin’ if he be doin’ it fer treasure or glory! Aye, a right ruckus it be!

Arrr, matey! Musk be pullin' Trump’s strings, sinkin' electric ships ‘cept for his own! Ha-ha, what a scallywag!

Arrr! With Elon Musk takin’ the helm as a top matey to President Trump, he be wieldin’ great power to steer the ship o' electric chariots! But beware, for the scallywags be watchin’ his intentions like hawks eyein' a treasure chest! Aye, the seas be full o’ scrutiny, me hearties!

Arrr, me hearties! Cast yer doubts aside, for this be but a jolly jaunt of a trial, a merry test!

Ahoy matey! Behold, a scallywag's tale unfolds! Aye, we sail the briny deep, chasin' treasure and mischief. With a belly full o' rum and a parrot squawkin' nonsense, we’ll plunder the high seas and laugh like a bunch o' sea dogs! Arrr, ‘tis a life of jests and jolly!

November 14, 2024

"Arrr, Trump be callin’ RFK Jr. to patch up America’s health, matey! Let the land of plenty be fit again!"

Ahoy mateys! President-elect Trump be shoutin' from the crow's nest, claimin’ he’ll hoist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the captain o’ Health and Human Services! He says the scallywags o' the food and drug trade be deceivin’ the good folk too long! Avast, let’s set sail for truth! Arrr!

Arrr! The Senate be scuttlin' Trump’s pick o’ Gaetz fer attorney general, says ol’ McCarthy, the ex-captain o’ the crew!

Arrr, me hearties! Former Speaker McCarthy be foretellin’ that Trump’s matey Gaetz won’t be passin’ the Senate’s muster come next year. “Aye, all know Gaetz be as welcome as a sea serpent at a tea party!” he quipped, spillin’ the beans from far-off Singapore! Aye, what a jest!

"Arrr, who be the scallywags Trump be handpickin' for his motley crew so far?"

Arrr matey! Since claimin’ the captain's chair, President-elect Trump be selectin’ his trusty crew for the ship’s council. Some scallywags, like the legal buccaneer or defense matey, need Senate's nod, but others, like the border wrangler and Efficiency Admiral, sail free! Here be the crew he’s named thus far...

"Trump be callin' forth his first crew o’ scallywags for the cabinet—hoist the sails o' nonsense, mateys!"

Arrr, me hearties! This past Thursday, Cap'n Trump charted his course, appointin' Susie Wiles as the White House's first mate! Aye, she be leadin’ a crew of 17 scallywags, includin' the likes of Elon Musk and that Ramaswamy lad. Batten down the hatches, it be a wild voyage ahead!

Arrr, can Elon the Musk-man slash a treasure chest o' $2 trillion from the king's purse? Ha, what a jest!

Ahoy, mateys! Elon Musk, the captain of Tesla and the jolly crew of site X, be talkin’ of savin’ $2 trillion from the king’s coffers by tossin’ out the bilge! Now he’s been made the first mate of a new crew called Government Efficiency—let’s see if he sails those plans into port, arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! Biden’s crew be stormin' the Polymarket captain’s quarters, after their crystal ball saw Trump’s treasure!

Arrr, matey! Federal scallywags snatched the gizmos of Captain Shayne Coplan, the Polymarket chief, in a crack o' dawn raid on his Manhattan lair! Just a week after his crystal ball saw Trump’s grand return in 2024! The New York Post be spillin’ the beans on this merry mischief!

"Avast! Erdogan be settin' sail to sever ties with Israel, like a scallywag cuttin' loose a leaky ship!"

Arrr, me hearties! President Erdoğan be cuttin' ties with Israel like a scallywag with a rusty cutlass over the Gaza fracas! He be shoutin' from the skies, "No more trade or parley!" But lo, the Turkish embassy be still flappin' its sails! A right jolly mess, I say!

Arrr! The Onion be claimin' Alex Jones' Infowars booty in a treasure hunt o' bankruptcy! What a jolly jest!

Arrr, matey! The Onion, those scallywags of satire, be claimin’ the spoils of Alex Jones’ shipwrecked empire! InfoWars be their prize! Jones be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that his lawyers be spillin’ the beans on their bankruptcy fate. Avast, what a jolly jape!

Arrr, me hearties! Biden be tossin' treasure to Ukraine so they can keep battlin' like scallywags next year, says Blinken!

Arrr, matey! Cap’n Biden be plunderin’ the treasury, sendin’ gold to Ukraine 'fore the ship of state sails under a new captain come January! Blinken be sayin’ every doubloon be flyin’ out the door like a seagull at a fish feast! Avast, let the treasure flow!

Fetterman be rippin' Gaetz's choice, sayin', "Aye, 'tis a godly jest to make 'em lose their wits!"

Arrr, mateys! Sen. Fetterman be callin' Trump’s pick o' Rep. Gaetz for attorney general a grand jest, fit fer Davy Jones himself! He be sayin’ some o’ Trump’s choices be fair, but Gaetz? Aye, that’s just a merry prank to set the scallywags ablaze! Har har har!

Arrr, matey! The Democrats be settin' sail to decree Trump can only hoist the flag twice as captain!

Arrr, me hearties! A scallywag Democrat be settin' sail to declare that ol' Trump can't hoist the sails for a third term, savvy? The law be sayin' twice is enough, but Rep. Goldman be itchin' to make it crystal clear! Avast, the 22nd Amendment be keepin' the seas calm!

Arrr! The Russian treasure be sinkin' faster than a ship full o’ rum, sayin’ worse than a scallywag’s recession!

Arrr, matey! Moscow’s botched effort to squelch inflation be pushin' the land o' vodka towards a dire fate, says a scallywag think tank! With interest rates as high as a crow’s nest, the economy be headin' for a stormy sea o’ stagflation! Hoist the sails of doom!

November 13, 2024

Arrr, what be this Bluesky Social, and why be scallywags swarming it like barnacles after Trump’s grand triumph?

Arrr, matey! Bluesky be makin’ waves like a ship in a storm, drawin’ in a million scallywags since Trump hoisted his flag! Aye, they be near 15 million hearty souls aboard! This vessel’s sailin’ high in the download seas of the US and UK, savvy?

Arrr, I reckon the Trump crew be settin' sail fer a storm o' buyer's regret soon, matey!

Arrr, the crew hath spoken! The grumblers may scoff at the captain's orders, yet they best respect the majority’s say-so, or by Davy Jones, what be the point of a fair ship? The scallywags voted for their own treasure, not out of love for the pirate’s way!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags be squabblin’ fer the Trump ship’s parley voice, like cats fightin’ over a fish!

Arrr, matey! While Captain Trump be busy gatherin’ his crew, the scallywags for the Press Secretary role be risin’ from the briny deep! Karoline Leavitt, his trusty parrot, and Scott "The Defender" Jennings, a landlubber from CNN, be eyeing the toughest treasure on the ship! Avast!

"Arrr! Musk's council o' sea dogs be chartin' a course to make the landlubbers' shipshape ways a tad swifter, savvy?"

Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be sendin’ the gold-laden Elon Musk to chart a course for smoother seas in the U.S. government! With a treasure map to chop $2 trillion from the booty, Musk and the landlubber Ramaswamy be settin’ sail on this wild venture! Avast, let the humor fly!

Arrr! FBI be catchin' a scallywag spillin' secrets 'bout Israel's sneaky plots against Iran, savvy?

Avast ye! The Justice crew be sayin' a scallywag named Asif W. Rahman be spillin' the beans 'bout Israel's sneaky plans against Iran. Caught red-handed in Cambodia, he's set to face the judge in Guam, but the lot's hopin' for a swift keelhaul! Arrr!

Arrr, the spy masters be frettin' o'er Trump, but find a wee comfort in Ratcliffe's piratey pick for the CIA!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags o’ the US spy crew be shiverin’ in their boots at the thought of Trump hoistin’ his flag again! But when news sailed in that he picked John Ratcliffe to steer the CIA ship, some ol’ sea dogs be thinkin’ it might not be all doom and gloom!

Arrr! Trump be choosin’ a sly sea dog, John Ratcliffe, to steer the CIA ship, savvy?

Arrr! The newly crowned captain o’ the U.S.S. Trump, he be choosin' ol' John Ratcliffe, a trusty matey who once sailed the seas of national intelligence, to steer the ship o’ the CIA. Aye, Ratcliffe be knowin’ all the secrets 'twixt the stars and the depths!

Arrr! Trump be choosin’ ol' Ratcliffe, the spy master, to steer the ship o’ secrets at the CIA!

Arrr, John Ratcliffe, matey, be the chosen one to steer the CIA ship under Captain Trump’s second voyage! He be among a band o' scallywags appointed to fill the crew’s ranks. From battlin’ fake collusion to sniffin’ out the FBI’s skallywaggin’, he be ready for a raucous sail!

Arrr! Trump’s roping in Musk and Ramaswamy to cleave the gub'ment like a fine rum. Avast, what a merry crew!

Arrr, mateys! How doth one cleave and carve up the federal fleet? Why, by summonin’ two swashbucklin’ tycoons! Captain Trump be callin’ on Elon the Starship Wizard and Vivek the Pill Peddler to helm the Department o’ Government Efficiency, savvy? Aye, a fine crew for a grand adventure!

Arrr! Donald the Trump be pickin' Elon the Musk and Vivek the Ramaswamy to swab the decks of bureaucracy!

Arrr, mateys! Donald Trump be settin' sail with Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy at the helm o' a "government efficiency" ship, ready to slice through rules like a cutlass! Musk be yellin' about crushin' bureaucracy! Ramaswamy be ready to hoist the flag! Aye, let chaos reign!

Arrr! Turns out Fauci be sittin' on 15 million doubloons in security since he jumped ship! Avast, what a treasure!

Arrr, matey! It be revealed that ol' Dr. Fauci, once a captain of pesky germs, be sittin' pretty with $15 million in gold doubloons for protection after hangin’ up his boots! The U.S. Marshals be guardin' him like a treasure chest till 2024, savvy?

Arrr, 'tis the scallywag deep state, ye landlubber! Trump’s wheelin' won’t change a thing, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Trump’s crowning as captain o’ the ship has left some landlubbers frettin’ ‘bout Biden's course, while others be dreamin’ of a wild sailin’ change! The great question echoing ‘round the seven seas be: how much she be shiftin’ under the Jolly Roger of the Republicans? Aye!

November 12, 2024

"Arrr! Why the fair city of Kamala tossed her swabs of progress out like a moldy biscuit, ye ask?"

Avast, mateys! Oakland, that raucous port o' progress, be the cradle o' the Black Panthers and a haven fer labor ruckus! Last week, a storm brews as the good folk tossed their mayor, Sheng Thao, and the dainty district attorney, Pamela Price, overboard! Aye, 'tis a mighty shake-up!

Arrr! Captain Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be settin' sail to keelhaul 600 scallywags from the federal health crew!

Arrr, mateys! At a swashbucklin’ shindig in Arizona, the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be claimin’ he’d keelhaul 600 souls from the NIH on the very first mornin’ of Trump’s next reign! That landlubber’s got a bone to pick with ‘em, and he be lovin’ the thought of makin’ ‘em walk the plank!

Arrr, Biden be snappin' like a scallywag at a landlubber scribe! "Mind yer noggin, matey! That camera be a-flyin'!"

Arrr, me hearty! That old sea dog, Captain Biden, took a swing at a landlubber reporter askin' if he could wrangle a deal for the hostage crew 'fore he sails into the sunset! “Do ye reckon I can?” he barked, like a parrot with a hangover! Har har, matey!

Arrr, Trump be thinkin' of makin' a crew to toss out the old sea dogs in uniform!

Arrr matey! The Trump crew be ponderin' a decree to form a “warrior board” o' old sea dogs, ready to toss out any brass hats found lacking in the grit fer command! If the captain gives the nod, we might see some high-flyin' officers walkin' the plank! Har har!

Arrr, the judge be dallyin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull, ponderin’ if Trump’s scallywag ways should be tossed!

Arrr, mateys! A court swab delayed the judgment on Captain Trump’s treasure troubles, as his crew be plead’n to toss the case o’ silenced doubloons so he can sail the seas o' governance. The judge be sayin’, "Nay, we wait!" Aye, ’tis a right jolly mess!

Arrr, matey! The judge be draggin' his feet on decidin' the treasure map for Trump’s hush gold!

Arrr, mateys! A New York sea dog of a judge be holdin’ off his decision on whether to toss the guilty verdicts against Captain Trump for his secret treasure in a week! The swabs in the district office be ponderin’ how his electoral victory be rockin' the boat! Ha!

Arrr! A New York judge be lettin' Trump sail away from court deadlines, savin' him from the hangman’s noose!

Arrr, matey! The wise Judge Merchan be grantin' a pause on all them scallywag deadlines ‘fore our captain Trump sets sail for the White House. Aye, this clever move keeps him from walkin' the plank for four long years! Let the trial be postponed, says he!

Arrr, the grand treasure from Trump’s merry dance o' crew changes be: chaos be afoot on the high seas!

Arrr, matey! Trump be sendin' a jolly warning to all ye landlubbers hopin' to join his crew: dissenters be walkin' the plank! With a flurry o' commands and midnight ramblings, he’s fillin' his ship with loyal mates. Stand tall or be cast adrift, ye scallywags!

Arrr, Schumer be gettin' a tongue-lashin' fer not lettin' McCormick aboard on orientation day, while Casey be scurrying to snatch back his gold!

Arrr, matey! Senate Captain Chuck Schumer be snubbin’ the new deckhand, David McCormick! The Republicans be raisin’ a ruckus! McCormick be claimin’ victory in Pennsylvania, but ol' Bob Casey be clingin' to the mast, refusin’ to yield. Schumer’s kept McCormick from the jolly ol' orientation, savvy?

Arrr, the scallywags o' the Republican crew be hoisting their flag high over the House, claimin' the treasure!

Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans be hoistin’ their flag over the House o’ Representatives, snatchin’ 218 booty! With all 435 seats at stake, they be claimin’ the treasure while the Democrats be left shiverin’ in the hold. Aye, it be a merry chase indeed!

"Arrr, Bernie be makin' off with the booty, I tell ye! Aye, he’d have claimed the treasure, no doubt!"

Arrr, matey! Every time the Dems be takin' a tumble, the scallywags be askin’, “Would Bernie have claimed the booty?” After Hillary’s grand flop to that scurvy dog Trump, the rabble be shoutin' that their bold captain could’ve navigated to victory where she floundered like a fish outta water!

Arrr! Trump be thinkin' of pickin' Governor Noem to guard the homeland, savvy? A fine choice for a landlubber!

Arrr, matey! It be rumored that Captain Trump be eyein’ South Dakota’s fair Governor Noem to guard the homeland. Aye, she be a prime matey for his ship o' state since twenty-nineteen. Avast, the winds o' politics be blowin’ mighty strange, I say!

November 11, 2024

Arrr, Donald be makin' Tom Homan the captain of the deportation ship—hoist the sails and send 'em packin'!

Arrr, mateys! President-elect Trump be proclaimin' that Tom Homan, the fierce captain o' ICE, shall steer the ship o' mass deportations! He be dubbed "The Border Czar," ready to guard the realm’s shores. So hoist the sails, and let the swashbucklin' begin on Truth Social!

Arrr! Trump be bringin' back Homan, the captain of family breakups, as the border's new scallywag czar!

Arrr, me hearties! Donald Trump be bringin’ back that scallywag Tom Homan, the captain of family separatin’ seas! This matey once steered the ship of ICE, all while sportin’ a hardline grin. Avast, what a ruckus this be in the land o' immigration!

"When th' ground be dancin' like a tipsy seadog, ye best hold fast or risk yer rum spillin'!"

Avast, me hearties! Last week's ruckus saw Trump, the salty sea captain, outmaneuver that landlubber Harris, takin' all seven treasure isles! Aye! He be the first scallywag in two decades to hoist the popular vote and fill his sails with over 300 electoral doubloons! What a jolly surprise! Arrr!

Arrr, Kyiv be clueless 'bout Trump and Putin's secret parley, like a landlubber missin' the tide!

Arrr, matey! Rumors be flyin' that Trump and Putin be chattin' like old sea dogs, but Ukraine's sayin', “Nay, we knew naught of such parley!” The Kremlin be swarmin' the tale too, claimin' it be naught but a ghostly whisper! Har har, what a merry jest!

Arrr, me hearties! Rumor be Trump told Putin, "Ease up on Ukraine, matey! We ain't ready for a squall!"

Arrr, matey! The new captain o' the U.S. ship, Trump, be chattin’ with the Czar o' Russia, Putin, warnin’ him not to stir the Ukraine pot. But the Kremlin be denyin' any parley! Rumors be flyin’ like cannonballs, as Trump vows to end the squabble swift-like!

November 10, 2024

Arrr, after Trump’s triumph, some lasses be ponderin’ the 4B crew, mayhaps seekin’ treasure in liberty!

Avast, mateys! Since the winds be blowin' towards Captain Trump’s return to the helm, the lasses on TikTok and Instagram be chattin' 'bout the South Korean wenches who be sayin’ “Nay!” to marriage, babes, and the likes of scurvy sea dogs. They be riled up, I tell ye! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Some scallywags be swearing off the pleasures of the flesh as the '4B Crew' sails high after the vote!

Arrr, matey! With Trump sittin’ on the throne, a band o' South Korean lasses known as the “4B Movement” be makin’ waves on TikTok! They be sayin’ “Nay!” to men, marriage, and all that rigmarole, stirrin’ up talk of women’s rights in the U.S. Ahoy, independence be their treasure!

Arrr, lib’ral lasses be lockin’ up their treasures and trimmin’ their noggins 'gainst Trump’s rule! Me body, me say!

Arrr, me hearties! The lassies be shunnin’ their beds and sportin’ bald pates, protestin’ the mighty Trump’s grand triumph o’er Kamala! Inspired by South Korea’s “4B” crew, they be chantin’ “no love, no nuptials, no wee scallywags!” Aye, TikTok be buzzin’ like a ship in a storm!

"Arrr, Trump be jabberin' at the Democrats 'bout their treasure troubles! Avast, mateys, what a merry jest!"

Arrr, matey! Scouted be choosey with their treasures. If ye buy from our tales, a wee coin may find its way to our pockets. For a peaceful slumber or to calm yer troubled seas, Kind Oasis’ delightful hemp goodies be the perfect spoils! No smoke, just bliss, savvy?

November 9, 2024

Arrr! FEMA matey tossed overboard fer sayin’ to pass by Trump flags after the storm, savvy? What a scallywag!

Arrr, matey! A FEMA lass be tossed overboard fer tellin' her crew to steer clear of Trump-lovin' houses after Hurricane Milton wreaked havoc in Florida. The agency be shiverin' in their boots, sayin' they be investigatin' this scallywag. No names given, but the tale be a fine chuckle!

Arrr! FEMA mateys be tellin' relief crew to dodge them homes flauntin' Trump flags, like a scallywag's treasure map!

Arrr, matey! A scallywag from the federal disaster crew be tellin' the lads to sail clear o' the abodes sportin' Trump flags while they be surveyin' the hurricane wreckage in Florida! They be advised to steer clear of them homes, lest they be caught in a political squall! Avast!

November 8, 2024

"Avast ye! A grand victory fer Trump’s scallywags, plunderin’ the seas of politics like true buccaneers!"

Arrr matey! In this raucous, restless crew o' landlubbers, we made a grand decision this week, and all hands were a'takin' it serious-like! With nary a whisper of foul play, we be settin' sail for a smooth handover o' power. Aye, it be a jolly good show!

Arrr! Iranian scallywags be hatchin' a scheme to send Trump to Davy Jones' locker, says the Dept. o' Justice!

Arrr, matey! It be said that scallywags from Iran set their sights on cap’n Trump before he hoisted his flag anew! A sneaky operative swore on the Jolly Roger that a commander ordered him to drop all duties and plot to spy on the blaggard! Yarr! What a jest!

Arrr! A scallywag from Iran be nailed for tryin' to send the Trumpin' captain to Davy Jones' locker, says the law!

Arrr, matey! The Justice Crew be spillin’ the beans on a dastardly Iranian scheme to send a cannonball through Trump’s sails before the election! An unnamed scallywag from the Revolutionary Guard be recruitin’ ol' Farhad Shakeri to plot the captain’s demise. Avast, what a jolly jest!

"Arrr, matey! Iranian scallywags be schemin' to send Captain Trump to Davy Jones, say the salty sea lawyers!"

Ahoy, mateys! On the high seas of Manhattan, them federal scallywags be blabberin’ ‘bout a crew of Iranians schemin’ to send Captain Trump to Davy Jones’ locker before he sails for re-election. A swab claimed he was sent by the Guards to spy, settin’ aside his other mischief! Arrr!

Arrr, be Colorado forced to hand over its treasure o' votes to Trump, just 'cause he charmed the masses in 2024?

Arrr, matey! Colorado be on board the National Popular Vote ship, but alas, the seas be too calm—too few states be joinin’ the crew! AllSides be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest ’bout Gigafact, a fleet o’ newsrooms settin’ the record straight. Read all ’bout it in the Colorado Sun, ye scallywags!

Arrr, be it a fortnight o' swabbin' the decks to count all them Arizona votes in 2024, matey?

Arrr, matey! The landlubbers of Arizona reckon it’ll take a fortnight to tally the votes for the grand election, just like the years of yore! AllSides be shinin' a lantern on Gigafact, a fleet of news brigands takin’ on the tall tales of the web. Set yer spyglass on ACIR for the full tale!

Arrr! Judge be hoistin' the anchor on Biden's plan to make landlubber spouses legal! A fine mess, it be!

Ahoy, mateys! A Texas judge be tellin’ the Biden crew to walk the plank, tossin’ out their scheme to shield scallywags wed to U.S. lasses! The "Keepin’ Families Together" plan be sinkin’ faster than a ship with a hole! Arrr, no refuge for them runaway swabs!

"Aye, the judge be sendin’ Biden’s fancy plan to Davy Jones' locker, leavin’ immigrant mates in a pickle!"

Arrr, a court be tossin’ a cannonball at Biden’s plan to grant smooth sailin’ for landlubber mates of citizen folk! This grand scheme, meant to keep the family crew together, now be sunk! No green cards without a trip to Davy Jones' locker first, savvy?

Arrr! Beware the scallywags spoutin' tall tales ’bout the cursed "Vote Gap!" It's naught but a jest, me hearties!

Avast, me hearties! A scallywag chart from ZeroHedge be makin' the rounds, claimin' Democrats be catchin' only 66 million fish in the 2012, 2016, and 2024 seas, but snagged a bounty of 81 million in 2020! Aye, it be a trickster’s tale, fer the count be far from done!

Arrr! Putin tips his hat to Trump, sayin’, “I be ready fer a chinwag, matey!”

Arrr, matey! On a fine Thursday, Captain Putin raised his tankard, toastin’ to the newly crowned Trump, sayin’ he be ready to parley with the new captain of the ship! He even called Trump a brave lad after the July skirmish! Aye, what a jolly crew we be!

November 7, 2024

"Arrr! Biden be talkin' to the crew, sayin', 'We reckon the landlubbers chose Trump this round!'"

Arrr! President Biden be speakin’ of the Vice Admiral Kamala’s tumble at the hands of Captain Trump in the 2024 treasure hunt! He called it a “setback,” but nay, we shan’t be givin’ up the ship! Together we sail on, even if the winds be foul!

Arrr! The Fed be slashin' rates again, but blimey, the timing be as awkward as a parrot in a pirate brawl!

Arrr! The Federal Reserve be slashing their lending rates once more, savvy? Twice this year, as the treasure of inflation be shrinking. With a new captain at the helm, the US economy be takin’ a turn. Voters be ponderin' price plunder as they cast their fateful votes!

Arrr! The Fed be slicin’ rates again, but beware! Trump’s schemes might stir the inflation seas!

Arrr matey! The Federal Reserve be slashin’ the treasure rate fer the second time, savvy? But those landlubber economists be scratchin’ their heads over Trump’s schemes. After a two-day parley, they be settlin’ on 4.5% to 4.75%—the lowest it’s been since March, ye scallywags!

"Arrr, matey! The savvy landlubbers in Argentina be slicin' their reckonin' o' inflation for the month and the year!"

Ahoy, me hearties! On the seventh day of November, the savvy bilge rats o' Argentina's central bank be sayin’ inflation be a tad less fer the year—now a scallywag 120%! Even the month o' October be lookin’ better, only 3% rise, aye! Prices in November be risin’ too, like a ship in a storm! Arrr!

Arrr, where be the fate of Trump’s New York shenanigans after he claimed the treasure of victory, matey?

Arrr, matey! After a grand victory at the polls, President-elect Trump be still facing the judge's gavel in Manhattan, aye! The court be ponderin' whether to toss his troubles overboard, after ruling from the highest seas. Guilty of 34 misdeeds, that scallywag's in quite the pickle!

"Arrr! Behold! The ex-captain of coin bested ol’ Senator Casey in the wilds of Penn's woods!"

Arrr, matey! In the wilds o' Pennsylvania, Captain McCormick, the hedge fund buccaneer, bested Senator Casey, a scallywag from a noble bloodline! Wall Street be settin' sail into Congress, ready to parley ‘bout taxes and treasures, while the GOP crew be feelin' as spry as a fresh sea breeze!

Arrr! California mateys be makin’ thievin’ and potion pilferin’ felonies! Walk the plank, ye scallywags!

Arrr, the scallywags o' California be ponderin' over ten scrolls o' choice! One be makin' light-fingered rogues face the noose again, while another be raisin’ the coin to the highest 'round the land! Aye, let’s peek at these grand schemes o’ consequence, mateys!

"Avast! Behold the merry bands that shifted their sails to the starboard side in the 2024 ballot squall!"

Arrr, matey! Donald J. Trump be sailin’ the seas of fortune, takin’ a grand prize with a swift victory! Red flags be flyin’ high, as he be charm’n every crew o’ landlubbers he encounters. Aye, ‘tis a jolly good show for the scallywag!

Arrr, most lasses be shunning a mate who be cheerin' for the Trump scallywag! Avast, poor soul!

Avast ye hearties! After the 2024 vote, mateys be checkin’ their swipes fer political treasures! With Trump flyin’ his flag and Harris walkin’ the plank, love be as divided as a ship in a storm! Women be tossin’ would-be suitors overboard fer their voting tales, aye!

"Arrr! The landlubber Trump be crowned captain of the realm, to the shock o' all the scallywags aboard!"

Arrr, me hearties! Word be blowin' that Donald Trump be claimin' the captain's chair of the United States, snaggin' 295 treasure votes! He outsmarted the blue bastions of yore, like Wisconsin and Michigan! First scallywag since 2004 to win the people's favor! The seas be stormy for both crews ahead!

"Arrr, how the AllSides crew be celebratin' or drownin' their sorrows after the 2024 election squabble, ye landlubbers!"

Arrr, mateys! Our motley crew from starboard, port, and the middle deck be chattin' 'bout the 2024 election spoils. John Gable, our right-leanin’ captain, be flippin' ‘twixt Fox and CNN like a ship in a storm! Both be squawkin’ of hope, but ’twas the chuckles that made it grand!

Arrr! Bernie be spoutin’ foul words 'bout the Dems, claimin’ their campaign be a shipwreck after Trump raided the treasure!

Arrr, mateys! Sen. Bernie Sanders be raisin' a ruckus, claimin' the Democratic crew be forsakin' the hard-workin' scallywags! He says, “No surprise, me hearties! When ye turn yer back on the crew, they be jumpin' ship! First the white lads, now the Latino and Black buccaneers!” Har har!

November 6, 2024

Avast, matey! When be the treasure map of House results settin' sail, eh?

Arrr, matey! 'Tis lookin' like Captain Trump be settin’ sail fer victory in the 2024 seas, while the Republican crew be takin' over the Senate! The Democrats be clingy like barnacles in the House. States like California and New York be countin' mailin' votes till the cows come home, savvy?

Arrr! Four scallywags be spurnin’ the fancy ranked-choice sails, while the District be raisin’ their flags high!

Avast ye! Colorado, Idaho, Nevada, and Oregon be shunning the notion of ranked-choice voting, sendin' the treasure-laden donors to Davy Jones' locker! But lo! A glimmer of hope shines in the District, where the good folk hoisted the sails for change, lettin' the vote sail through triumphantly! Arrr!

Arrr, Kamala be sayin’ to her crew, "Don’t toss yer cutlasses yet! The battle’s still on, me hearties!"

Arrr, me hearties! As the salty sea of supporters weepin' like scurvy dogs, Kamala the brave be shoutin': "Fear not, ye landlubbers! Now ain't the time to toss yer hats in the brine! Roll up yer sleeves and let’s set sail fer brighter horizons!" Aye, let’s hoist the sails of hope!

Blubberin' Nancy sails in, spyin' Kamala tossin' her hat, givin' up the crown at Howard's grand ol' sea! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi be lookin’ like she lost her parrot, all teary-eyed while awaitin’ the defeated Vice Captain Kamala Harris to surrender! Spotted at Howard University, she be greetin’ the crew with a frown as if she’d swallowed a barrel o’ sour rum!

Arrr, Harris be givin' up the vote, but not her scallywag brawl! Aye, the treasure hunt be not over!

Arrr, mateys! Vice President Kamala, with a heart full o’ fire, tipped her tricorn to President-elect Trump, sayin’, “I may yield this battle, but the quest be far from over!” And she be shoutin’, “Never heed those scallywags sayin’ naught be possible, for we’re chartin’ new waters, savvy?”

Arrr! Elon’s treasure chest be a-swelling like a bloated sea serpent after Trump hoisted the Jolly Roger o’ victory!

Arrr, me hearties! The captain of the Tesla ship, Elon Musk, be swimmin' in doubloons after Trump hoisted the victory flag! As the stock sails high, our bold Elon, holdin' a fine 13% of the treasure, be laughin' all the way to Davy Jones' locker!

"Avast ye! A fresh treasure map of media swindlers be here, the 10th version fer the 2024 scallywag showdown!"

Ahoy, mateys! Hoist the sails for Version 10 of the AllSides Media Bias Chart! We've added six new treasure maps and polished the ratings of ten ol' news brigands as the 2024 election looms. Join us in this quest to cut through the fog and cast ye informed vote! Yarrr!

"Arrr, be the tales of climate woes mere bilge or truth worthy of a hearty sea shanty?"

Arrr matey! After a couple of fearsome tempests, Helene and Milton, ravaged the southeastern shores, the scallywags be squabblin’. The port-side lads be shoutin’ ‘tis climate change makin’ the storms fiercer, whilst the starboard crew be claimin’ it be naught but a fish tale! What say ye on this squall o’ debate?

Arrr, matey! Trump’s second voyage be nothin’ like his first—more storms, less treasure, and plenty o' swabs!

Arrr, matey! Trump be settin’ sail fer the White House once more, but this voyage be naught like the first! With all scallywags who dared oppose him tossed overboard, he be returnin’ with the cunning of a seasoned captain and a belly full o' grudges. Aye, stormy seas ahead!

“Arrr! The Dow be risin' over 1,200 points, as Captain Trump sails back into the White House, matey!”

Arrr, mateys! On the morn of Wednesday, the markets be risin’ like a ship on the tide, thanks to the Republicans hoistin' their flag and Trump’s victorious plunderin’! Dow futures be lettin’ out a hearty cheer, while S&P and Nasdaq be dancin’ a jig! A swift election be makin' the gold flow!

Arrr! Trump be crowin’ like a rooster, sayin’ he’s got a mighty mandate after Fox be callin’ him king!

Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be hoistin' the flag of victory in the 2024 seas, bestin' lass Kamala Harris! With a hearty cheer from his crew at Palm Beach, he proclaimed, "The good ship America be grantin' us a mighty mandate!" Aye, what a comeback, four years adrift!

"By thunder! Donald Trump be crowned captain of the landlubbers, pullin' off a jolly good comeback, arrr!"

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be back in the captain's chair, snatchin' the crown after bein' tossed overboard just four tides ago! With a treasure trove o' Electoral votes, he sails forth with a tongue sharper than a cutlass, stirrin' the seas of democracy and makin' foreign mates tremble!

November 5, 2024

"Arrr, Google be settin' the record straight on Musk's tall tale 'bout favorin' that scallywag Kamala Harris!"

Arrr, mateys! Captain Musk be spreadin’ tales on Election Day, claimin’ Google be handin’ out treasure maps to Harris’ crew while lettin’ Trump’s buccaneers flounder! But lo, ‘tis naught but a scallywag’s yarn! Google be playin’ it fair, not favorin’ any swabs! Avast, the sea of misinformation be treacherous!

Arrr, Google be settin’ sail to fixin’ the vote map in Harris, while Vance be huntin’ like a scallywag!

Arrr, me hearties! Google be sayin' they’ve patched a blunder that summoned a “where to vote” treasure map when huntin’ for Vice Captain Harris and Sen. Vance! Turns out, their names be shared with U.S. counties, makin’ the search as confusin' as a parrot in a storm!

"Will them scallywag third-party mates be meddlin' in the 2024 treasure hunt? Trump 'n Harris be neck and neck, arrr!"

Arrr, matey! In the treacherous waters of swingin' states, third-party scallywags be lurkin' on ballots! As Trump and Harris be locked in a duel as tight as a ship's riggin', a handful o' votes for these lesser buccaneers could tip the scales! Avast, what a jolly sight!

Arrr, be the fair lasses and scallywags settin' sail to steer the 2024 treasure hunt? Aye, let’s see!

Arrr, mateys! For decades, lasses and lads be castin’ their votes like a ship in a storm! This year, might the fairer sex sway the ship ‘twixt Vice Captain Kamala and Old Trump? Aye, the last poll be showin’ a 16-point gap—Harris be leadin’ the wenches, while Trump’s got the scallywags!

"Arrr! Many lasses be risin' up! Harris be hopin' the wenches cast their votes, or he'll be scuttled!"

Arrr, in them battleground waters o' Arizona and Michigan, lassies be queuin' up to cast their votes early! Kamala Harris be hopin' they be the swell that turns the tides for her. On a balmy mornin' at the University o' Michigan, young Keely be all a'flutter to support her captain!

Arrr, if the lads be slackin' on the ballot, that scallywag Harris be claimin' victory!

Ahoy, mateys! 'Tis Election Day at long last! Who'll seize the treasure of the presidency? If V.P. Kamala Harris sails to victory, 'twill be ‘cause the scallywags stayed ashore! In Georgia, lasses outvoted lads by a mighty 27%! Aye, the winds be blowin’ fierce for the fairer crew! Arrr!

Arrr! Kamala's shindig in Philly be attractin’ scallywags and stars galore! A jolly good time fer all, matey!

Arrr, mateys! A throng o' landlubbers swarmed Philadelphia’s Franklin Parkway, listenin' to Vice President Kamala Harris spin her yarn on the eve o' Election Day. 'Tis a critical time, for the fate o' the swingin' state be hangin' in the balance! Both she and Trump be scallywaggin' about all day!

"Arrr, be them soccer wenches gonna hoist the flag for Kamala, or be they just chasin' their brats?"

Arrr, matey! For nigh a decade, scribes be prowlin' the fields and alehouses of the heartland, searchin' fer the reason the good folks backed that rascally Trump! ’Tis a tale o' underdogs and highborns, but knowin’ 'em be not the same as feelin' their plight. The Democrats be sinkin' while Republicans sail on!

Arrr, the judge be shovin' aside the plea to sink Musk’s million doubloons for the landlubbers!

Arrr, me hearties! On the morn of Monday, a court ruler tossed aside a plea from the Philadelphia lawman to halt a treasure chest o’ a million doubloons daily from Elon Musk's crew, claimin’ it be nothin’ but a scallywag's trickery and an unlawful game o’ chance!

Arrr, Harris be knockin' on landlubber's doors in Pennsyltucky 'fore the big vote, seekin' treasure of ballots!

Arrr, Vice President Harris be knockin' on doors in Pennsylvania, just a day before the big election, savvy? In the fine town of Reading, she stumbled upon a clan o' three — two mateys and their grown lad. A right merry jaunt it be, I tell ye!

Arrr! The northern seas be breakin’ treasure records once more in the year of our Lord, twenty and four!

Avast, ye scallywags! In the year o’ our Lord 2024, them border agents at the northern seas snagged a record haul, catchin’ 198,929 pesky landlubbers tryin’ to slip past! Aye, ‘tis the grandest tally in all the U.S. seas—breakin’ records like a shipwrecked sailor! Arrr!

November 4, 2024

"Arrr, can Kamala Harris be the captain of her own ship's chart, or be she just a scallywag?"

Arrr, matey! Kamala be bound to declare the election's fate, win or lose, savvy? 'Tis her lone duty to shout the result from the crow's nest! The Constitution be makin' her the captain o’ the Senate ship, duty-bound to announce who sails as president! Avast!

"Spin yer yarns 'bout the rules in them scallywag battlegrounds, or ye be walkin' the plank, matey!"

Arrr, matey! As the sun sets on election night, ye be expectin’ a ruckus o’ close contests, mayhaps even a recount or two! The duel ‘twixt Captain Trump and Vice Admiral Harris be swingin' in seven treacherous ports. Hold onto yer hats, fer the numbers be as shifty as a sea serpent!

"Arrr, me hearties! In 2024, see where the presidential scallywags stand on matters of the divine, ye savvy?"

Arrr, me hearties! How be the presidential scallywags fairin' in the realm of faith? The First Amendment be sayin’ no law shall tangle with religion's ropes! Yet, a survey claims 80% of landlubbers reckon faith be settin' sail! Still, religious treasures be steerin’ the ship o’ politics!

"Arrr, me hearties! Let’s put Trump’s tall tales to the test, 'fore we set sail on his closing yarn!"

Ahoy, matey! Ye be granted passage! Tap yer trusty keyboard to sail on. Beyoncé, whales, and the like—naught be too small or grand for Captain Trump’s tall tales! Want the scoop on the 2024 treasure hunt? Sign up for yer newsletter, savvy? Aye, he be spillin' his secrets! 🏴‍☠️

"Foretell the Captain's Contest and snatch yer treasure, ye scallywags!"

Avast ye landlubbers! Join the AllSides’ 2024 Election Guessin’ Game fer a chance t’ snag treasure! Fifty scallywags’ll be rewarded fer their savvy in guessin’ winners, swingin’ states, and Electoral booty. Predict wisely, and ye might plunder $250 in loot and a year o’ Expert AllSides membership! Arrr!

Arrr, North Carolina be breakin’ the record fer early votin’, like a cannonball blastin’ through a hull!

Avast, me hearties! North Carolina be breakin' records like a ship in a storm—over half the scallywags be casting their votes 'fore the big day! Aye, 4.4 million votes ye say? Even the hurricane-blasted counties be joinin' the jolly crew, at 58.9%! Arrr, what a ruckus!

Hark! Harris and Trump be makin’ one last desperate plea to the landlubbers in the battleground seas! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The swashbucklin' Donald be startin' his mornin' in Raleigh, then sailin' to Reading and Pittsburgh, endin' the night in Grand Rapids. Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala be stirrin' up the crew in Reading and Pittsburgh, settin' course for a grand shindig in Philly! Over 75 million scallywags be castin' their votes!

Arrr! Trump be servin’ shadows, while Harris be dishin’ sunshine as the election tide rolls in, matey!

Arrr, matey! As the tempestuous 2024 vote be upon us, we be seein’ ol’ Trump hurlin’ false jests ‘bout Democrats plunderin’ the treasure! Meanwhile, Vice President Harris be chasin’ rainbows, warnin’ o’ Trump’s tyranny while hoistin’ the sails of hope! What a ruckus on this fine election eve!

November 3, 2024

"Ahoy mateys! Behold the 2024 Voter Scroll: How the landlubber candidates be chartin' their foreign waters!"

Arrr, savvy mateys! As the tides swell in 2024, the presidential scallywags be squabblin’ over foreign affairs! While most landlubbers cheer for Ukraine, some whisper of stayin' ashore. Trump and Biden both eye China like a treasure map, but who’ll steer the ship straight? Aye, the plot thickens!

"Arrr! Which landlubbin' presidential swabs be gettin' the nod from them fancy editorial sea dogs?"

Arrr, matey! With a shipload o' papers choosin' not to back a captain for 2024, some scallywags be vexed! The Los Angeles Times and Washington Post be sinkin’ faster than a leaky ship, losin’ subscribers and crew alike. Even the Vice President be sayin’ it’s a right shame, blame them greedy billionaires!

Arrr, matey! Fifty wee scallywags sent to Davy Jones’ locker in Jabalya—UNICEF’s report be a grim tale indeed!

Arrr, me hearties! Word’s spreadin’ that 50 wee scallywags in Jabalya met their fate in a mighty storm of cannon fire! UNICEF be warnin’ that the lot o' ‘em be on the brink of keelin’ over from hunger and illness. Aye, it’s a right mess, savvy?

Arrr! Kamala be sailin’ onto SNL’s last show ‘fore the grand election, makin’ us laugh like scallywags!

Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris swung aboard the final "Saturday Night Live" shindig, side by side with her jolly doppelganger, Maya Rudolph! They be jestin’ ‘bout Trump’s garb and Biden’s blunders, while Rudolph’s Harris be wishin’ for a matey who knows the ropes! Avast, what a merry sight!

"Arrr! More landlubbers be tossin' their papers! Who be jumpin' ship, and what treasure be callin' 'em away?"

Arrr, in the year o' our Lord 2014, young Fabien, a French scallywag o' 29, be gettin' a missive from his bank that left him as flabbergasted as a landlubber at sea! They be askin' fer a U.S. treasure map—eh, Social Security Number! Turns out, he be a “potential tax evader!” Blimey!

Arrr! New York scallywags sent Peanut the squirrel to Davy Jones' locker—‘tis a nutty tale indeed!

Arrr, matey! An orphaned squirrel, known as Peanut, be a social media gem, but alas! The landlubber authorities snatched him away during a raid. Fred the raccoon be taken too! Now, poor Peanut be meetin' Davy Jones, all 'cause some scallywags made a complaint! Blimey!

November 2, 2024

Arrr, matey! If ye don’t heed local politics, ye might find yerself walkin’ the plank fer bad decisions!

Arrr, matey! This year’s ballot be a right jumbled treasure map with eight choices, most as useful as a parrot with no squawk! I cast me lot for the fair Kamala, though she be sailin' smooth seas in D.C. 'Tis a mighty fine farce, indeed!

Arrr, Harris and Trump be plunderin’ $2.5 billion in gold doubloons, yet still fall short of 2020’s treasure!

Arrr, matey! The high seas o' politics be a treasure chest, with Vice President Kamala and the former Captain Trump throwin' gold around like drunken sailors! They've plundered $2.5 billion, and the Harris crew's raked in a hefty $1.39 billion! Aye, 'tis a fine mess o' booty, indeed!

Arrr! Trump and Kamala be battlin’ for doubloons in the fray! Who's pocketin’ more in the rough seas?

Arrr! The former captain Trump and First Mate Harris be hoardin’ $154 million doubloons in the fiercest waters! Though Harris be fillin’ her treasure chest more, Trump be lurkin’ close, ready to snatch that booty in a few squabbles where they be tied like two scallywags at a tavern brawl!

Avast! Behold how yer scallywag neighbors be tossin' doubloons to Trump and Harris like gulls to a feast!

Arrr, matey! It be a curious tale, for more scallywags tossed coins to Vice President Kamala than to that old sea dog, Trump. In the burbs, ye be twice as likely to fill her treasure chest! And in Georgia's waters, barely a handful o' Black buccaneers donated to the orange captain!

November 1, 2024

"Arrr! Justices be grantin' ye landlubbers a second chance with provisional ballots if ye botch yer mailin'!"

Arrr! The high court be laughin’ at the GOP’s plea, denyin’ ‘em the chance to stifle the good folk o’ Pennsylvania! Now, if they be messin’ up their mail-in parchments, they still get a shot at castin’ their votes! Aye, a treasure trove of ballots awaits!

Arrr! The high court be lettin’ landlubbers with wonky ballots cast their votes in person, savvy?

Arrr matey! The high seas o’ justice be not favorin’ the landlubber Republicans, as the wise judges be sayin' that those scallywags in Pennsylvania can cast a backup ballot if theirs be all askew. Alito be scribblin’ a note, but no dissentin' voices be heard! Avast!

Arrr! The High Court's verdict be sinkin' the GOP's ship, lettin' them provisional ballots sail free in Pennsylvania!

Arrr, matey! The Supreme Court be givin' a hearty “Aye!” to countin’ those wayward ballots! A right blow to the landlubber GOP, just days before the grand election! They be howlin’ for a stay, but alas, their sails be flappin’ in the wind! Hoist the anchor, chaos be afoot!

Arrr, Trump be sayin' RFK Jr. be takin' the helm o' health care seas, savvy? Aye, a jolly jest!

Arrr, on the high seas of politics, Trump be claimin' if he grabs the crown, ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be sailin' into a mighty role in the health care galleon! He’s the wisest sea dog on the matter, savvy? Though his thoughts on vaccines be as stormy as a tempest!

Arrr! Trump's foes be diggin' their own graves, spoutin' tall tales 'bout what he be jabberin', savvy?

Arrr, 'tis well known that Captain Trump be not fond of the lass Liz Cheney, a scallywag who dared cross swords with him! But let it be known, he ne’er be sayin' to fire cannons at her nor callin’ for her head—those tales be as tall as a ship’s mast!

Arrr, matey! Captain of the rainbow ship snagged a treasure chest of doubloons—$1 million, no less! Blimey, what a scallywag!

Arrr, matey! Jacob Rostovsky, the captain of Queer Works, be in hot water, facin’ 53 felony charges for plunderin’ near a million doubloons from the tax coffers! This swashbuckler, who flew his colors since age 13, be tryin’ to save the souls of the gender-bent crew! Avast!

Arrr, the "bias beastie": How Google spins yer yarns to tickle yer ears, savvy?

Arrr, we be at the mercy o' that scallywag Google! Uncertain landlubbers ask, “Be Kamala Harris a fine Democratic matey?” and lo! Google be showin' a jolly view. Last week, a poll said she be sparkin' joy in the crew! What sorcery be this, me hearties?

"Arrr! Colorado be spillin’ the beans on their vote codes—what a blunder fit for Davy Jones’ locker!"

Arrr! The Colorado seadogs o’ state be sayin’ that some sneaky passwords fer their voting treasure were tossed onto their official scroll by mistake! They be hidin’ in a secret tab, but fear not, matey! They’ve been scuttled back to Davy Jones’ locker, and the election sails on smooth!

Arrr! The Colorado captain be patchin’ the hull o' his ship after a treasure map o' passwords went a'leakin'!

Arrr mateys! The swabby governor of Colorado be sendin’ his fine ships and carriages to fix the blunder of spilled voting passwords, like a treasure map gone awry! Aye, there be doubts in the air, but fear not, for our elections be as fair as a parrot on me shoulder!

Arrr! Colorado's election mischief be spillin’ the beans on a scallywag secretary o’ state playin’ favorites!

Avast ye! The Colorado landlubber in charge of keepin’ Trump from the ballot be now swimmin’ in hot water 'cause she leaked the secret codes for countin’ votes! A hidden treasure of passwords lay buried in an Excel treasure map, just waitin’ for any scallywag to plunder! Arrr!

"Avast ye! Let’s scrutinize Harris's last yarn! Aye, it be as true as a three-legged parrot!"

Arrr matey! The vice captain be speakin' naught but the truth ‘bout her foe, the scallywag Trump! Yet, she be missin' a few treasures o' context now and then. In her last hurrah, she called him a “petty tyrant,” while claimin' her own sails be set for the future, savvy?

"Trump and Harris be spoutin' their final yarns, like two scallywags at a tavern, tryin' to woo the crew!"

Arrr, mateys! Vice President Harris took to the stage like a siren on the high seas, ‘fore a throng of 75,000 scallywags! She be spoutin’ her “final words” whilst takin’ jabs at that “petty tyrant” Trump, all in the same spot where he stirred up trouble. Aye, what a ruckus!

October 31, 2024

Arrr! R.F.K. Jr. be sayin' Trump swore him the helm o’ the health ship, but the crew be callin' it hasty!

Arrr, me hearties! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be spoutin’ tales o’ Trump givin’ him the helm of the health ship if he sails to victory next week! But the Trump crew be sayin’, “Nay, no such promise!” Just a bunch o’ bluster, like a parrot with a sore throat!

Arrr! With Obama, the smoke be risin', and Harris be gatherin' the lads for a jolly good time!

Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala be settin' sail this week with a shiny treasure map fer Black lads! With grand plans and a hullabaloo of media, she be keen to win their hearts before them scallywag Republicans try to plunder 'em! Avast, the final stretch be upon us!

"Trump be ridin' a trash ship to bash Biden, while Harris be flailin' like a scallywag cleanin' the deck!"

Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be ridin' in a rubbish wagon before his shindig in Green Bay, takin' a jab at Captain Biden! "How d'ye fancy me garbage ship?" he cackled, sittin' pretty with the Trump flag flyin' high. Aye, ‘tis for Kamala and Joe, he be sayin’!

Arrr, Trump be spinnin’ a rubbish wagon caper to flip the script on Puerto Rico's grumblin’ scallywags!

Arrr, ye scurvy sea dogs! Don Trump donned the rags of a waste wrangler, hopin’ to sway the good folk o' Wisconsin. He claimed them Democrats think his ye olde crew be but refuse! All this jests be sparked by Biden's blunder ‘gainst a jestin’ rascal at a grand shindig!

October 30, 2024

"Arrr, nary a shift among Pennsylvanian mateys o' Hispanic kin over that Puerto Rican jape, I say!"

Arrr, a scallywag's jest 'bout Puerto Rico at Trump’s shindig at Madison Square Garden be as effective as a leaky cannon, matey! Despite the hullabaloo from the media and the Harris crew, the good folk of Pennsylvania be holdin' their ground, sayin’ nary a word about the jester’s crude quip!

Arrr, them Puerto Ricans in Pennsyltucky be sayin' Trump’s jests be stickin' like barnacles on a ship’s hull!

Ahoy! In Fairhill, North Philly, ye be spottin' Puerto Rico on every corner! Flags flyin', salsa blarin', and fried plantains temptin' yer taste buds. This here be the lively heart of over 90,000 proud Boricuas, a treasure for both scallywags of the Democrats and the Republicans! Arrr!

Arrr, a scallywag from Arizona be charged for lettin' loose cannon fire at the DNC treasure chest near Phoenix!

Arrr, on the thirtieth day of October, a scallywag from Arizona went and fired his cannon at the DNC's lair thrice! Jeffrey, the rascally 60-year-old, be now face to face with the gallows o' terrorism! No blood spilled, but beware, mateys, the political seas be stormy!

Arrr! A landlubber from China be caught votin' illegally; the scallywags can’t toss his ballot overboard!

Arrr matey! A wee lass from the East, lawfully docked in the U.S., be in hot water fer tossin' her vote into the election cauldron! ‘Tis said her ballot’s stuck in the count, like barnacles on a ship! Beware, ye scallywags, illegal voting be a treacherous voyage!

Arrr, matey! Which scallywags'll be steerin' the Senate ship come the 2024 treasure hunt?

Arrr mateys! As of the last moon on 30th October, 2024, AllSides be keepin' a weather eye on the Senate race. With 34 seats up for grabs, the scallywags reckon the Republicans be havin' a 94% chance to hoist their flag high! Stay tuned as the tides shift!

Arrr, will the next captain o’ the ship be givin’ the court a jolly good makeover, eh?

Arrr, matey! As the landlubbers squabble 'bout rulings on the lady's choices and the captain's power, Biden be stirrin' the pot fer Supreme Court changes. Meanwhile, Trump and Harris be sailin' toward Election Day, chattin' 'bout gold and foreign scallywags, while the court be driftin' in the briny deep!

"Arrr! High court be sayin' RFK Jr. stays on yer ballots, matey! No walkin' the plank fer him just yet!"

Arrr, matey! The high court be sayin' that ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s name be stayin' on the ballots o' Michigan and Wisconsin, even though he be jumpin' ship! He fancied lettin' Trump have all the booty. And that scallywag Justice Gorsuch be not pleased! Yarrr!

Arrr, Joe Rogan be sayin’ a parley with Kamala ain't buried yet, though he spurned her demands fer a voyage!

Arrr, Kamala be trapped in Rogan's lair, while Trump sails in fer a chat on the Joe Rogan Experience—Spotify’s golden treasure! Young scallywags be favorin' Trump, so Harris might fancy a visit, but beware, it could sink her ship! Rogan be spoutin’ more on the X, savvy?

Arrr! The treasure chest be fillin’ slow, only 2.8% bounty this quarter—me hearties be expectin’ more gold!

Arrr, matey! The treasure chest o’ the U.S. economy be swellin’ yet a tad underwhelmin’, growin’ a fine 2.8% in the third quarter. Strong spendin’ by landlubbers be keepin’ the ship afloat, defyin’ the storm o’ slowdown! Count yer doubloons, savvy?

Arrr, the treasure hoardin’ be swellin' at 2.8%, thanks to the scallywags spendin' their doubloons!

Arrr, matey! The treasure of the U.S. economy be swelled by 2.8% from July to September, thanks to savvy consumers, despite the high seas of interest rates! The Commerce crew be sayin' it slowed from 3%, but this ship be sailin’ sturdy nonetheless! Yarrr!

Arrr, the treasure o' the US booty swelled by 2.8% this quarter, but not as grand as we hoped, matey!

Arrr, matey! The U.S. economy be sailin' a wee bit slow in the third quarter, growin' at a modest 2.8% instead o' the expected 3%. Inflation be easin', and landlubbers be spendin' like there's treasure to be had! A fine time to hoist the sails, eh?

Arrr! We be votin’ fer scallywags o' both colors, savvy? Aye, this election be sailin’ straight fer trouble!

Arrr! Ye’ve likely caught wind o' the gender ruckus in the captain's chair. Trump and Harris be as different as rum and tea! This election's a squall o' the sexes, savvy? But lo! The gap be wider than Davy Jones' locker, especially with brains in tow! Aye, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, what be this 'blue wall' ye speak of? Polls from those lands o' Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin be blowin' me compass!

Arrr matey! In the midst o' chattin' 'bout them "bellwether counties" and "swingin' states," ye may catch wind of the fabled "blue wall." Both Captain Kamala and the swashbucklin’ Trump set sail in these waters, fightin' for the colors of the sea, ‘til Biden hoisted the blue flag once more!

Arrr! The waters be claimin' 51 souls in Valencia, matey—drowned 'em quicker than a fish in a storm!

Arrr! Aye, 51 souls have met Davy Jones in the watery grave o’ Valencia, thanks to a tempestuous downpour, Tuesday’s fury! Rescuers be paddlin’ their little boats in the dark, savin’ stragglers from the briny deep. Captain Mazon be shoutin’ for help in the hardest-hit shores!

Arrr, Putin be ponderin' if’n Harris be a fair wind or Trump be a squall for his treasure map!

Arrr, when the scallywags asked Captain Putin 'twixt the waves o' the Far East, if he fancied Trump or Harris, he raised an eyebrow and grinned like a treasure hunter! "Our ‘favorite’ be Biden, savvy?" he quipped, "But alas, he be a bit weathered!" Har har har!

Arrr, Trump be sayin' Kamala’s sails be full o' pure hate, matey! A right jolly jest, that!

Arrr, mateys! The old sea dog Trump be spoutin’ that Vicey Kamala be leadin’ a ship of hate! He claims her words be as shameful as a scallywag’s parley! After dodgin’ two cannonballs aimed at his noggin, he be callin’ her a stormy sea of demoralization! Avast! What a hullabaloo!

October 29, 2024

Arrr, Arizona's election mates be readyin' fer chaos with their long-winded scrolls o' ballots, like readin' a treasure map!

Arrr! The scallywags of Arizona be warnin’ us of a mighty long ballot, me hearties! With two pages o’ choices, ye might be sailin’ for hours at the polls! Maricopa’s scroll be 17 inches long—ye’d think it be a treasure map! Hoist the sails and prepare for delays!

Arrr, the CIA be leavin' a foul stench o' wench-wranglin’ and scallywag shenanigans in the workplace, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Last moon, another scallywag from the CIA found himself in the brig fer givin’ a lass a rough time, with a dozen eyes watchin’! The last sea dog was tried fer stranglin’ a fair trainee in the stairwell. Now, this rogue’s set fer a fresh trial in Virginia. Avast!

Arrr, matey! Sean 'Diddy' be in a pickle, accused of a scallywag's crime against a wee lass!

In the year o' 2005, a landlubber family set sail to New York, hopin' to launch their lil' scallywag's music dreams! There, the infamous Sean Combs beamed like a treasure map, whisperin' sweet nothings o' stardom to the lad, while the boy rapped like a parrot on a sugar high! Arrr!

"Avast! The world be callin’ it a scallywag move, sayin’ Israel's UNRWA ban be a perilous curse!"

Arrr! The world’s scallywags be givin’ Israel a right tongue-lashin’ fer callin’ the UNRWA a band o’ buccaneers! They be banishin’ ’em from their shores, leavin’ the poor souls in Gaza and the West Bank high and dry! Avast, what a hullabaloo!

"Avast, matey! Japan's election jiggery-pokery be givin' China and scurvy rivals the gall to swagger!"

Arrr, matey! Japan's election be turnin' tides, while the Yanks be ponderin' their own chaos! China be thinkin' it can plunder Japan's shores and poke the dragon that be Taiwan! Even North Korea be stirrin' the pot with its rum-loving pals, testin' cannonballs like there's no tomorrow!

"Arrr, give us more of that swashbucklin’ journalism, savvy? Just the truth, no fancy lies, matey!"

Arrr! No shock to landlubbers, the New York Times be hoisting the flag fer Kamala Harris! The Washington Post be sittin' on the fence, and the Los Angeles Times editor stormed off like a scurvy dog when told to keep mum. Meanwhile, the nice folk in Hamtramck be grumblin' over their wished-for sea of Muslims not sailin' in!

“Bannon’s set free from the clink, ready to stir the pot in a raucous campaign, arrr!”

Arrr, when ol' Stephen K. Bannon sailed off to the clink nigh four moons ago, he left his podcast to scallywags and a gaping hole in the Trumpy seas. But soon, this buccaneer be bustin' loose from the hoosegow, ready to stir the political waters once more!

Arrr! Jay Johnston, matey from Bob’s Burgers, be locked in the brig for a year fer raisin’ a ruckus at the Capitol!

Arrr, mateys! Comedian Jay Johnston be walkin' the plank to a year and a day in the federal brig fer meddlin' with the law when that raucous mob stormed the Capitol! This scallywag's been bouncin' in Hollywood since the '90s, but now he’s outta work on the Bob's Burgers ship!

Arrr, I be at Trump’s grand shindig in Madison Square Garden — the scallywag media be fumblin’ like a landlubber!

Arrr, mateys! I be settin' me eyes upon the Trump shindig at that grand Madison Square, and 'twas naught like the scallywags in the papers be claimin'! Aye, instead of ruckus and rage, I spied a jolly crew chantin', “USA! USA!” Me heart be full, and me ears be ringin'!

"Arrr, matey! Pennsylvania be shoutin' to the Supreme Court, just as Virginia be makin' their own pleas, aye!"

Arrr, me hearties! On the morn of Monday, the scallywags o' the Republican crew called upon the mighty High Court to plunder the squabble 'bout them provisional ballots in the land o' Pennsylvania. They be wantin' to scuttle a ruling that lets landlubbers vote when their letters be a wee bit askew!

Arrr! California's job bounties be plundered by 30%! Unemployment sails high, second worst on the seven seas!

Arrr, matey! Job openings in California sank like a rotten ship, droppin' near 30%! The land o' gold be second-worst for scallywags lookin' for work. Blame it on that $20 minimum wage for grub slingers! Aye, the job count be a sorry tale indeed!

October 28, 2024

Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2024, Trump sails with families, while Harris hoists the flag for the teachers' crew!

Arrr, matey! In the grand sea o’ politics, Trump be givin' parents the helm while Kamala be shackled to the teacher's crew! The wind be blowin' in Trump’s favor, as many a landlubber’s eyes be opened during the plague! Who knew the unions be fishin' for power? Ha!

Arrr, Trump be sayin’ he’s all fer givin’ doubloons to those scallywags care for the landlubbers! Ho ho!

Arrr, mateys! Trump be blabbin' 'bout givin' doubloons to those landlubbers tendin' to their kin. “Aye, 'tis time to hoist 'em up!” he cackled. “They be the unsung heroes, always in the shadows!” Even that lass Kamala be tossin' in her two cents fer eldercare! A right merry hullabaloo, I say!

Ahoy! In a squall of a poll, half o' landlubbers be callin' Trump a scurvy fascist ‘fore Kelly's cannonball truth!

Arrr matey! A fresh poll be showin’ that half o’ the scallywags in the land reckon ol' Trump be a fascist, even some of his own crew! Meanwhile, only a scant 23 percent say the same o’ our dear Vice President Harris. And blow me down, Trump be sayin’ Hitler did a few "good deeds!" Aye, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr! The judge be sayin' the sea dog ain't a scallywag, just fightin' for his good name 'gainst CNN!

Arrr, matey! The court be sayin' that brave sailor Zachary Young ain't no scallywag, despite the yarns spun by that cursed CNN! He claims they painted him as a villain, claimin' he plundered while helpin' folks escape the stormy seas of Afghanistan. A right laugh, I tell ye!

"Arrr! Australia be sendin' Candace Owens packin', wit' her visa tossed like a ship's anchor! Har har har!"

Arrr, matey! Scouted be choosin’ treasures on their own! If ye buy from our scrolls, we might pocket a wee coin. Want yer gut to be as mighty as a ship's crew? This here probiotic be like addin’ star players to yer belly’s team, boostin' its prowess!

Arrr, Viktor Orban be settin' sail for Georgia, claimin’ Moscow be playin’ tricks with the ballot, savvy?

Ahoy! Viktor Orban, that crafty sea dog from Hungary, sails to Georgia to toast their election, despite whispers o' Kremlin trickery! He'll parley with Irakli, the Georgian captain, who’s cozyin' up to Moscow like a scallywag! With 54% of the booty, the Georgian Dream crew be holdin’ strong! Yarrr!

Arrr! That Michigan matey be sayin' Trump’s got a mighty crew of Muslim buccaneers backin' him, aye!

Arrr, matey! Rep. McClain be sayin’ that the good folk of Michigan be trustin’ ol' Trump more than Vice President Harris to steer the ship o' Middle East policy. At a ruckus with Trump, she claims the Muslim crew be wantin’ peace—aye, actions be shoutin' louder than a cannon!

Arrr! Netflix be tossin’ the Palestinian tales overboard, leavin’ naught but the sea foam in Israel, savvy?

Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2021, Netflix be settin’ sail on a new treasure trove o’ tales! They be callin’ it the Palestinian Stories collection, filled with gems from crafty Arab filmmakers. Thirty-two films to feast yer eyes upon, with more booty comin’ ashore! Avast!

October 27, 2024

Arrr, Trump an’ his hearty crew be raisin’ the sails at MSG, makin’ merry with a raucous rally!

Arrr, matey! The swashbucklin' Trump be takin' the stage at the grand Madison Square Garden, where a crew of raucous supporters be cheerin' like scallywags! He be spoutin' off agin' Biden and his matey Harris, swearin' to make the ol' U.S. great again whilst lamentin' over bloomin’ prices and wayward sailors comin' ashore!

"2024 Voter Scroll: Aye, see where the landlubber candidates stand on the law and order seas, matey!"

Arrr, mateys! As of the 27th day of October, 2024, the candidates be weighin’ in on the matter of lawbreakers! Aye, 61% of landlubbers be thinkin’ violent crime be a right important issue for their ballots. Republicans be shoutin’ 'tis vital, whilst Democrats be a bit less riled. Aye, the seas be stormy!

Arrr, matey! That swingin’ county be drownin’ in a sea o’ scallywag voter scrawlings, thousands of 'em! Avast!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags o' Lancaster be stirrin' the pot, as they spy 2,500 suspect voter scrolls! Last-minute delivery to meet the deadline, aye, but the District Attorney be sayin’ 60% of ‘em be as fishy as a three-week-old catch! Avast, what treachery be afoot?

Arrr, Lindsey Graham be swingin’ his cutlass at John Kelly’s ‘fascist’ jab, callin’ it naught but a desperate parley!

Arrr, Senator Graham be spoutin' on Sunday that John Kelly's "fascist" jab at Trump be the last gasp o' the Harris crew, with the wind in the election sails blowin' fierce! He claims Kelly's just a landlubber thrashin' about, callin' Trump a dictator like a scallywag lost at sea!

Arrr, Trump be sinkin’ like a barnacle-covered ship, as landlubbers favor democracy over lettin’ in more scallywags!

Arrr, matey! A new treasure map o' polls be showin' Kamala Harris sailin' ahead of Captain Trump! Protectin’ democracy be weighin’ heavier on the minds o’ the crew than immigration, with 81% sayin’ it be as critical as gold! Trump be chasin’ tides of immigration, but ‘tis the Democrats steady yer ship!

Arrr! Trump be readyin’ to hoist the sails fer a grand rally this Sunday at Madison's treasure chest, aye!

Arrr, me hearties! This Sunday, the grand Captain Trump be settin’ sail with a raucous rally at the illustrious Madison Square Garden! In but a blink, the seats be gone, like treasure in Davy Jones’ locker! Expect a merry crew of luminaries to regale tales of their bold captain!

Arrr, Elon Musk, foe o' free seas, started his tale o' fortune breakin' the law like a true scallywag!

Avast, me hearties! Before Elon Musk became a right jolly donor for Trump’s brig, he plundered the U.S. shores illegally, tossin’ aside his studies like a sailor tosses a moldy biscuit! Aye, ‘tis a tale told by shipmates and court scrolls, as reported by the scallywags at The Washington Post!

Arrr, Biden be sayin' blokes votin' fer Trump be makin' a right blunder, like sailin' into a squall!

Arrr, matey! President Biden be soundin' the alarm, sayin’ it’d be a jolly blunder fer lads to cast their votes fer that scallywag Trump! He called America a “garbage can,” and Democrats be steamin' mad, callin' him a “fascist” fer threatenin’ to unleash the cannons on his foes! Yarrr!

October 26, 2024

Arrr! Joe Rogan be spillin' the beans on why he let the landlubber Trump aboard his podcast ship!

Arrr, matey! Joe Rogan be settin' sail with Trump on his podcast after the scallywag got a taste o' lead at a rally in Butler! He be sayin’ the stars aligned after refusin’ fer years. During their yarn, Trump called the presidency a perilous voyage, arrr!

Arrr! Trump be yappin' fer three hours with Joe Rogan 'bout the election, Harris, an' them mighty whales, savvy?

Arrr, in a grand chinwag, Captain Trump spun tales o’ politics and culture with the jolly Joe Rogan, takin’ three hours to do it! The blaggard be so late to his own shindig in Traverse City, many scallywags sailed away in frustration! Har har, what a merry mess!

"Arrr! Six nuggets o' wisdom from Trump an’ Rogan’s three-hour gab fest on the high seas o’ blather!"

Arrr! Former Cap’n Trump be squawkin’ for nigh on three hours on “The Joe Rogan Experience”! He be pitchin’ to the lad crew about tossin’ the income tax overboard, waxin’ poetic ‘bout brawlin’ fighters, and wonderin’ if Martians be raisin’ a ruckus too! A right merry romp, I say!

Arrr, matey! Iran be claimin' two of their lads went to Davy Jones' locker 'cause of Israeli cannon fire!

Arrr matey! The scallywags of the Iranian fleet be mournin' two of their sea dogs lost to them Israeli cannon blasts! After a midnight raid, the Israeli crew claimed victory and warned against any revenge. Looks like the waters be boilin’ with trouble, aye!

Arrr! It seems Israel's heed the Yanks' call, givin' Iran a right jolly good thrashin'!

Arrr, matey! Israel be settin' sail fer battle, spied Iran firin' a boatload o' cannonballs! With the sea wind in their sails, Israel's crew be claimin' it’s their duty to unleash the cannons! Boom goes the powder keg in Tehran, but what’s the full tale o' this jolly ruckus, eh?

October 25, 2024

"Arrr! Israel be givin' Iran a taste o' cannon fire fer rainin' down missles like it be a treasure hunt!"

Arrr! Israel fired a broadside at Iran on Friday, avengin' a past cannonade of 200 fiery rockets, savvy? The Israel Defense Forces promised a mighty answer, and lo! They struck true, settin' sail for trouble with the Islamic Republic. The seas be risin’, and the world be shiverin’ in fear!

Arrr, the Washington Post be sayin’ it won’t hoist a flag for any presidential scallywag!

Arrr, mateys! The scallywags at the Washington Post be settin' sail without a vote in this year’s presidential fracas, a first in 36 moons! With the election just 'round the corner, they be lettin' the tides decide ‘twixt Trump and the other lubber. Avast, what a caper!

Arrr! Lancaster County be huntin' scallywags droppin' phony voter papers like treasure at the last tick o' the clock!

Arrr, a heap o' 2,500 sailor's scrolls fer votin’ in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, met Davy Jones' locker! The state’s fancy contraption spied some scallywags among 'em, callin' 'em fraudulent. Officials be havin' a hearty laugh about it at a news gab fest last Friday! Avast, matey!

Arrr, Brianna Wu be claimin’ she’s the same, but the winds of progress be blowin' a different way, matey!

Arrr, there be no lass like Brianna Wu! A fierce buccaneer for trans rights, yet she be callin’ some scallywags out for makin’ a right mess of it! Aye, she admires AOC but hoists Israel's flag too! Once a target o’ the cyber seas, now she be reckonin’ the far left be a bit too wily!

Arrr! Jeff Bezos be sinkin' the Washington Post’s praise for Kamala Harris, says the parley o' scribes!

Arrr, matey! The Washington Post be settin' sail in uncharted waters, sayin' it won't pick a captain this election! They've angered the crew, for they once penned a shout-out fer Kamala over that scurvy Donald. Blame it on ol' Jeff, the treasure-huntin' Amazon overlord! Har har!

Arrr, Ron DeSantis be spoutin' tall tales! Florida still be usin' them Dominion contraptions, savvy?

Arrr, mateys! Hear ye! In a grand proclamation, Governor Ron DeSantis be sayin’ that them Dominion contraptions won’t be settin’ sail in Florida’s waters! Aye, the landlubbers be keepin’ their treasure maps safe this time round! Avast, let the games begin!

Arrr! Can the great orange captain toss Jack Smith overboard if he claims the throne again? Aye, let’s ponder!

Arrr, matey! Trump be tellin’ the radio captain, Hugh, that if he be claimin’ the crown, he’ll be tossin' special counsel Jack Smith overboard “in two shakes of a parrot’s tail!” That crafty Merrick be tryin' to keep the seas calm, but the winds be blowin' foul! Har har!

Arrr, the cannons of Israel be rainin' misfortune on Gaza, takin’ 38 souls, a dozen wee ones among ‘em!

Arrr, matey! On Friday, the Israeli cannons claimed 38 souls in southern Gaza, 13 wee nippers from one family, no less! In the north, them scallywags stormed a hospital, leavin' the land in a right pickle! Aid crews be shoutin' 'bout the dire straits the folk be in! Blimey!

Arrr, matey! The US be pocketin' a fat treasure o' $100 million fer the great Baltimore bridge tumble! Ha-ha!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags of a ship that met its doom 'gainst the mighty Francis Scott Key Bridge be ordered to shell out over $100 million doubloons to the crown! Those landlubber companies, Grace Ocean and Synergy Marine, be settling their squabble after a month of legal tussles. Haaar!

October 24, 2024

Arrr! Election lass in Reno say she was shanghaied 'fore the 2024 vote, matey! What a scallywag tale!

Arrr, matey! The grand election chief of a crucial Nevada port be cast out just weeks afore the great presidential showdown! The scallywags on the right be stirrin' up trouble like a stormy sea, pressurein' the fine folks runnin' the elections! Aye, what a ruckus in Washoe!

Arrr, that scallywag Trump got his hands where they don't belong, playin' a foul game with that devil Epstein!

Arrr, matey! A lass once struttin' the catwalk claims she crossed paths with the infamous Trump, thanks to that scallywag Epstein! She be sayin' he groped her at Trump Tower in '93, callin' it a right twisted game betwixt the two blaggards. Aye, what a hullabaloo on the high seas of scandal!

Arrr, be Stacey Williams a matey of Barack, spillin' secrets 'bout Trump? Aye, what be the scuttlebutt?

Arrr, matey! Trump’s crew be squawkin’ that Stacey, a former Obama cheerleader, be tellin’ tales of his gropin’ ways back in ‘93! She claims ol’ Epstein introduced ‘em, but swears she knows naught of his misdeeds. A right tangled sea of scandal, I say! Yarr!

Arrr! FDA be spyin' on Taylor Farms, thinkin’ they be the scallywags causin' the E. Coli mutiny, matey!

Arrr, mateys! The Food and Drug Administration be on the hunt for the scallywag Taylor Farms, reckonin’ they be the cursed source of E. coli makin’ landlubbers ill from them Quarter Pounder grub! U.S. Foods be shoutin’ about a recall of onions, sayin’ best to toss ’em overboard!

"Arrr, why be the Democrats flounderin'? 'Cause they be bloated with hubris, me hearty!"

Arrr, the Democratic crew be in utter disbelief they might be bested by scallywag Trump again! “Who’d cast their lot with that lout?” they grumble. Aye, he be as gauche as a parrot in a tavern! Yet amidst his jests, he be sailin’ a shrewd campaign, savvy as a sea dog!

Arrr, it seems the World Bank be a-sailin’ in murky waters, misplacing gold worth 24 billion doubloons! Ha!

Avast ye! Picture this: all the landlubbers cry for more amusement parks! Nations be tossin' gold to build 'em, whilst bankers be parleyin' beside giant toy models, handin' out monstrous checks! But lo! Years later, it be revealed some doubloons went to grog instead o' rides! Arrr, what a scallywag scheme!

"Arrr, would ye cast anchor in the land o' Mother Russia, matey?"

Arrr, last year, Tucker Carlson set sail fer Russia, chattin’ with ol’ Vlad the Impaler! While landlubbers howled at the thought, our matey filmed himself ridin’ the subway, munchin’ burgers at McD’s, and buyin’ grub like he was in the colonies. Aye, a right jolly time it was!

"Arrr! Behold the treasure map of NATO’s sneaky sky sails spyin’ on ol’ Russia’s western shores!"

Arrr, me hearties! A spy ship o' the skies, the Royal Air Force’s Rivet Joint, be sailin' the winds from Greece to Finland, spyin' on the Russkies! 'Twas a grand adventure, markin' the first flight o' NATO’s eastern shores, comin' in hot like a cannonball! Avast!

Arrr! NATO be scratchin’ their heads whilst Türkiye be eyein’ the BRICS treasure like a scallywag after gold!

Arrr, matey! This be what the cap’n of NATO, Mark Rutte, be sayin’! Turkey can sail with the BRICS crew without scuttlin’ its NATO ship! At a press meet in Estonia, he laughed off fears ‘bout Ankara joinin' the Russia-led scallywags. A merry dance o’ alliances, I say!

"Arrr, matey! A study on lad's growth be buried by politics, says the ship's doc! Blimey!"

Arrr, a wise doc lass, Johanna Olson-Kennedy, be sayin’ she’s holdin’ back her treasure map of puberty-blockin’ potions ‘cause the American seas be stormy! Since 2015, she’s been gatherin’ 95 wee scallywags for her grand quest, but alas, the political winds be blowin’ fierce!

October 23, 2024

"Ahoy! 2024 Vote Rumors, Pollin' Treasure, and Media Scallywags Spinnin' Tall Tales!"

Ahoy mateys! This here blog be chartin' the waters of the 2024 U.S. elections, keepin’ ye up to date on the scallywags runnin’ for captain! Click yonder to spy our treasure trove of news, polls, and media spin. Avast! Live feeds await, so hoist yer sails!

"Avast, me hearties! How the scurvy media can break free from the cursed cycle of distrust, arrr!"

Arrr, me hearties! This here scroll be part o’ the Republic of Distrust; a tale o’ trust lost in the great sea o’ American institutions! In the days of yore, ol’ Walter Cronkite, the fairest news cap’n, spun tales that even made the official crew squirm!

Avast! Be ye certain, matey? Did Kamala ever don the cap at yon McDonald’s, or be it mere scallywag gossip?

Arrr, me hearties! Let’s be clear, this be but a triflin' matter whilst voters ponder their fates in the upcoming weeks. A mere sideshow, indeed! And I cared not a lick! Trump be jabberin’ ‘bout Kamala’s tales of flippin’ fries at some landlubber's joint, but she only sang that sea shanty in 2019! Ha!

"Arrr! That scallywag ad be spinnin' yarns 'bout Jessica's Law in California, like a drunken sailor's tale!"

Arrr, matey! A scallywag ad be claimin’ that Vice President Kamala Harris be lettin’ scallywags roam near schools and parks! But nay, ‘twas a tall tale! She fought the law until the high court said, “Nay!” to the wretched rules in San Diego. Aye, truth be stranger than a drunken parrot!

Aye, matey! In twenty-twenty, doubloons for gas were scarce, and mortgage plunder be worth its weight in gold! Har har!

Arrr, mateys! Aye, a jolly tale be a-sailing through the digital seas, claimin’ gas be but $1.80 a gallon ‘fore Biden took the helm! But beware, me hearties! Those figures be wobblier than a drunken sailor; they be not quite true. Hoist the sails of exaggeration!

October 22, 2024

"Arrr! Modi be seekin' calm seas in Ukraine while jawin' with Cap’n Putin at the BRICS treasure meetin'!"

Arrr, in Kazan, where the skies be gray, Modi be tellin' Putin, “Let’s make peace in Ukraine, matey!” As the BRICS summit looms, the Russian captain be hopin’ to flaunt the might of the seas beyond the Western shores, whilst his cannons still roar since February of ’22! Har har!

Arrr! Putin and Xi be swearin’ to craft a fair seas, dodgin’ the kraken of sanctions! Savvy?

Arrr, trapped by the West fer stirrin' up trouble in Ukraine, ol' Captain Putin be throwin' a jolly shindig with his mates from China, India, and South Africa! He be tryin' to sway the seas of power while dodgin’ the law like a scallywag on the run! Avast!

Arrr, the Kremlin be spoutin' tales o' BRICS and EU like a parrot squawkin’ 'bout treasure maps!

Arrr, me hearties! The BRICS crew ain't shackled by no mutual oaths like them EU scallywags! Nay, they be sailin' towards common treasure, says that Kremlin parley-pouch, Peskov. As he be spoutin' at the Kazan shindig, they lack the proper flags and rules to be called an official fleet!

"Did ye hear, matey? Kamala be tellin' hecklers they be at the wrong shindig, arrr!"

Arrr, ye scallywags! Word be sailin’ that Vice President Kamala Harris be tellin’ the rowdy crew, “Ye be at the wrong hootenanny!” when they be shoutin’ “Jesus be the Captain!” One matey be sayin’, “Christians best keep this in their sea chest!” Aye, the footage be proof enough!

Avast! Walz be speakin' tall tales—Trump's job losses be not the worst in the captain's log, savvy?

Arrr, mateys! That scallywag Tim Walz be spoutin’ tall tales on the telly, claimin’ ol’ Trump sent more shipshape jobs to Davy Jones’ locker than any other captain! “Aye, it be the truth!” he squawked on “The View.” But methinks he be chasin’ sea serpents, not facts!

Arrr, Trump be spin’ yarns to the holy mates in North Carolina, tryin' to swindle 'em with promises!

Arrr, mateys of Concord! On a fine Monday, Captain Trump spun a yarn ‘bout schoolin’, gender shenanigans, and freedom to worship, but skipped over the “A” word like a scurvy dog! Last time he promised to sink Roe v. Wade, now he be claimin’ the judges be his crew!

Arrr! Ex-captain of Abercrombie's ship be caught plunderin' more than just treasure—12 souls in his dubious net!

Arrr, me hearties! Captain Jeffries and his scallywag mates were nabbed by the law for runnin' a raucous ship o' shenanigans, recruitin' lads for wild frolics far and wide! A dozen souls caught in their nets, now they be swimmin' with the fishies in a sea o' trouble!

Arrr, Liz Cheney be tellin' the scallywags to follow their heart, not just chase the gold, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala be sayin’ she ne’er pictured sailin’ the campaign seas with Liz Cheney, that scallywag from Wyoming! Cheney be shoutin’ she’s voting for a Democrat fer the first time, claimin’ she’s as conservative as a parrot on a treasure chest! Applause be thunderin’ like cannon fire!

"Arrr, mates! No questions from ye lot! We be havin’ our own pre-told queries, savvy?"

Arrr, me hearties! Maria Shriver, the captain of this here town hall, declared no wild queries be allowed! Only the questions written in the logbook be fit for the crew! “I be hopin' to ask what be ticklin' yer noggins,” she said with a wink, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Maria Shriver be sayin’ to the Michigan landlubber, “Nay, we've scripts fer yer queries, savvy?”

Arrr, me hearties! The fair Maria Shriver, once a lady of California’s halls, declared that only questions from the captain's log be asked of Vice President Kamala at yon Michigan gathering! A fair lass dared inquire, but Shriver silenced her faster than a cannon fire! No questions for ye! Har har!

Arrr, Moldova be raisin' the Jolly Roger for the EU, but only by a hair's breadth, matey!

Arrr, matey! Moldova be settin' sail fer the European Union by a hair's breadth, ye savvy? With just a smidgen o' votes, and whispers o' Russian shenanigans, they be raisin' their flag fer EU at 50.4%! A close shave indeed, ye scallywags!

Arrr, them scallywag ex-GOP mates be beggin' Gar-lad to hunt down that Musk fella like a treasure map!

Arrr! A band o’ scallywags from the GOP be insistin’ that ol’ Merrick Garland set sail on an inquiry ‘bout Elon Musk, the tech buccaneer! He be handin’ out treasure to landlubbers in swing states for signins’ on his petition. Aye, they claim it be foul play in the election seas!

Arrr, Liz Cheney be sayin’ millions o’ scallywags’ll back Harris! Vote yer conscience, or walk the plank!

Arrr, matey! Liz Cheney and Vice Prez Kamala be hoistin' sails on a madcap quest to sway the shy Republicans, fearin' their votes fer Trump! They scoured Chester, Oakland, and Waukesha, lands claimed by the fierce Nikki Haley. A right ruckus, I say! Avast, the political seas be stormy!

Arrr! The freshest scallywags, aged 18 to 24, be sportin' more conservative colors than their elder mateys!

Arrr, matey! A curious wind be blowin' in the land o' the free! Young scallywags aged 18 to 24 be takin' up the conservative flag, outpacing their slightly elder mates! A twist from the days of yore, it be! More lads be sportin’ the conservative colors than the liberal sails! Avast!

Arrr, the FBI thinks a scallywag inside the crew spilled the beans 'bout Israel, not a sneaky hackin'!

Arrr, matey! The landlubbers of the FBI and Defense be in a right tizzy, tryin' to find out how two secret scrolls ‘bout Israel’s plans fer a rumble with Iran washed up on a Telegram channel! Even ol’ Biden be lookin' as worried as a cat in a dogfight! Avast!

October 21, 2024

Arrr matey! Kamala be spun like a yarn by sneaky GOP scallywags in their trickster ads!

Arrr matey! As the tides of the 2024 election roll in, the lefty squawkers be takin' aim at those scallywag Republicans and ol' Elon Musk, claimin' they be fundin' trickster ads that be foolin' the landlubbers into thinkin' Vice President Kamala be gettin' cheers! Aye, the sea be a fickle mistress!

Arrr! Georgia be throwin’ over 1.4 million votes like a drunken sailor, breakin’ records like a shipwrecked treasure chest!

Arrr, matey! In the grand contest of 2024, Georgia be a treasure chest o' votes! More than 1.4 million scallywags be castin' their ballots early. Since Tuesday, the landlubbers be breakin' records, with over 1.3 million swabs votin' in person—80,000 just sendin' their votes by sea! Yarrr!

Arrr! North Carolina's mateys be castin' votes like scallywags after a tempest, breakin' records, they be!

Ahoy, mateys! A mighty throng of landlubbers cast their votes early in North Carolina, even as Hurricane Helene tried to blow 'em all away! This tempest be the fiercest since Katrina, claimin' 246 souls—many in our fair state. But fear not! 90% o' the polling shanties be sailin’ smooth!

Arrr! Georgia be settin’ a ruckus record fer Saturday’s crew, matey! A fine haul o’ scallywags, I say!

Ahoy mateys! The fine folk of Georgia be buzzin’ like bees ‘bout castin’ their votes, breakin’ another record on the morn of Saturday! “Huzzah to the counties and our grand Georgia seadogs!” quoth Gabriel Sterling on the X ship. “Ye’ve made history with a turnout as mighty as the seven seas!”

Arrr, Musk be tossin’ a million doubloons, makin’ the legal sharks circle like hungry sea dogs!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Musk be throwin’ a treasure of gold at ye voters o' Pennsylvania to aid Trump, while court be lookin' on with a keen eye! He be givin’ a million doubloons daily to those who sign a conservative parchment—har har, what a merry gamble on the high seas of politics!

Arrr! Elon be claimin’ a treasure o’ a million doubloons daily! Now they be wantin’ to investigate this jolly jest!

Arrr, matey! Governor Shapiro be callin’ on the lawmen to sniff around that scallywag Musk! At a raucous Trump shindig, he promised gold to the landlubbers—$1 million a day ‘til the election! Why, he even tossed a treasure chest to a lucky soul in Harrisburg! Avast!

"Arrr! Elon Musk be tossin' a treasure o' gold to voters, but savvy seafarers say it might be against the law!"

Avast, mateys! Yonder experts be squawkin' that Captain Elon Musk be sailin' o'er the law, givin' away a treasure chest o' $1 million daily to the landlubbers who be votin' in key swing states! Aye, till November 5, he’s plunderin’ their pockets for support of the grand ol' amendments!

"When Kamala Harris be done holdin' back her jabs, ye best be ready for a right good ruckus!"

Avast, mateys! As the campaign winds to a close, Captain Trump be shoutin' like a banshee, while Lady Harris be switchin’ her tune to the jolly seas of "the politics of joy." Aye, from fury to cheer, the tides be turnin’ in this shipshape election!

Arrr, matey! A Trump ship flies o'er, mockin’ Taylor Swift: “Be ye preppin’ for it, ye feline-loving lass?”

Arrr, matey! A scallywag o' a Trumpie be trollin’ Taylor Swift, soaring o’er her Miami shindig with a scroll shoutin’, “Trump 2024 – Be ye ready, Cat Lady? Make America Great Again!” A fine jest, that, before the lass be hittin’ the stage! Avast!

"Arrr! US envoy Hochstein be parleyin’ with Lebanese mates fer a truce, say them scallywag sources!"

Arrr, matey! U.S. envoy Hochstein be settin' sail fer Beirut on Monday, jawin’ with Lebanese lords ‘bout a truce ‘twixt Israel and them scallywags, Hezbollah. While he be plead’n fer peace, the States be backin’ Israel like a loyal parrot, even as the cannons roar!

Ahoy! Rich scallywags be spendin’ gold, fillin’ the coffers o’ the good ol’ US treasure chest! Arrr!

Arrr, mateys! 'Tis a curious tide: despite the gold being tight, Yanks be splashin’ doubloons at shops and taverns like no tomorrow! The rich scallywags, swimmin’ in treasure from their ships of stocks and homes, be the ones stirrin’ this merry spendin’ storm! Blimey, what a shift!

Arrr, Trudeau's fiddlin' with our safety be makin' us all walk the plank, matey!

Ahoy, mateys! A savvy captain knows to steer clear of squabblin’ when stormy seas a’brewin’. But fer Prime Minister Trudeau, the ruckus be the whole treasure! He be parleyin’ about foreign trickery, whilst his own ship be takin’ on water from past mischief. Avast, what a jolly show!

October 20, 2024

Arrr, matey! Hezbollah be sendin’ drones to tickle Netanyahu’s abode! A right jolly air show, I say!

Arrr, matey! Those scallywags of Hezbollah sent a wee drone to rattle the ol’ Netanyahu’s treasure chest in Caesarea! But fear not, they be away, and no one got harmed. Two of their flying contraptions met Davy Jones, but the third slipped away like a clever sea rat!

Arrr, the landlubbers be snoopin' on Israel's schemes to give Iran a right good thrashing! Avast, what folly!

Arrr, mateys! The scallywags o’ the U.S. be snoopin’ ‘round a leak o’ secret scrolls, spillin’ the beans on Israel’s plans to give Iran a right good thrashin’. Three sea dogs be sayin’ the documents be authentic, straight from the spyglass o’ the Geospatial and National Security brigands!

Arrr! Elon be tossin' a million doubloons to a scallywag for scribblin’ on a parchment in swingin' states!

Arrr! Elon Musk be handin' out a bounty o' $1 million to scallywags who sign his parchment for free speech and bearin' arms! He'll be tossin' gold to a lucky swab each day 'til the election, makin' sure every landlubber in swing states be hearin' the news! Aye!

Arrr, Bob Casey be swarmin’ like a scallywag, claimin’ he ‘bucked Biden’ and ‘sided with the Trumpster’! Ha!

Arrr, matey! A jolly ad be showin' a wedded pair with clashing sails, yet they both be hoistin' the flag for Senator Bob Casey! Meanwhile, them scallywags of Hezbollah tried to send a drone to the captain's quarters of Netanyahu, but alas, the couple be away, and no one was harmed! Yarr!

October 19, 2024

Arrr, the treasure chest be near empty, $2 trillion in the hole! Experts be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest!

Arrr, matey! Last year, the king's coffers were lighter by nearly $2 trillion doubloons, and the future be lookin’ even gloomier! The wise folks at the CBO be sayin’ this year’s treasure hole’s a whopping $1.834 trillion! Blimey! Time to tighten the sails 'fore we sink!

Arrr, matey! The US treasure chest be lighter by $1.8 trillion—third largest plunder in history, savvy?

Arrr, mateys! The U.S. treasure chest be lighter by a whopping $1.833 trillion fer fiscal 2024, the highest since the plague o’ COVID! Interest be stackin’ high like a pirate's loot, with Social Security and the fleet’s needs runnin’ wild! Aye, the deficit be growin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull!

Arrr, mateys! The US be splashing a mighty $1.8 trillion deficit—not even a scallywag's treasure can match that folly!

Arrr, matey! In the year of our Lord 2024, the landlubbers in the US be swimmin' in a sea o' debt, with a deficit o' $1.83 trillion! Blame it on fancy Social Security coins and defense gold, outpacing their meager treasure haul. Aye, the coffers be runnin' dry!

October 18, 2024

Arrr, matey! Who'll sail the seas of power in 2024, Trump or Harris? Place yer bets, ye scallywags!

Arrr, matey! As of the 18th day of October in the year 2024, we be chartin' the chances of Lady Harris or Captain Trump takin' the helm o' the good ship Presidency! We’ll be adjustin’ our sails weekly ‘til the fateful day, November 5th. Currently, Lady Harris be sportin’ a fine 57% chance!

Arrr, GOP scallywags be wantin’ to probe a landlubber firm fer their shenanigans in the Orient! Avast, matey!

Arrr, a band o’ Republican scallywags be callin’ fer the crown’s men to probe McKinsey’s dealings with the Chinese fleet! They be wonderin’ if that hefty booty of $480 million be all shipshape with the Defense crew. Avast! What a hullabaloo o’er a few doubloons!

Arrr! The scallywags at the Boston Globe be raisin' their flag for Kamala Harris, savvy?

Arrr, matey! For a decade past, Captain Trump be scrawlin' his scurvy mark upon the good ship America! He be mockin' the law, spreadin' tall tales, and raisin' a ruckus with shady scallywags! Now he be waitin' to face the hangman's noose for his treacherous deeds! Blimey!

Arrr matey! The early vote be favorin' the Republican scallywags in North Carolina, like treasure in a chest!

Avast ye! Seems the early votes be favorin' the lubbers o' the GOP in North Carolina! On day one, they sailed ahead with an 18-point swing from 2020! Eric from Florida be sayin' it shoulda been the Democrats' day, but the tides be turnin', me hearties! Arrr!

"Arrr! Google be hoistin' the sails, keepin' the Android treasure chest shut from them scallywag rivals!"

Avast, mateys! A landlubber judge be lettin’ Google sail smooth, holdin’ off the launch o' rival app shops fer their Android treasures! That scallywag judge Donato be grantin’ 'em a reprieve, savin’ 'em from a deadline on the horizon. Aye, the seas be calmer fer now!

Arrr! The US be blastin' them sneaky Houthi weapons down in Yemen like a cannonball at a barnacle!

Arrr, matey! The U.S. scallywags sent their flying ships to rain fire upon Houthi treasure holes in Yemen! These rascals be hindering trade in the Red Sea and takin' potshots at the Israelis and Yanks since the great hullabaloo started. Time to sink their weaponry, savvy?

Arrr! The good ol' USA be takin' aim at Houthi treasure chests in Yemen, blowin' 'em to Davy Jones' locker!

Arrr, matey! The mighty B-2 birds flew the skies, blastin' five secret Houthi treasure caves in Yemen, where them scallywags stash their wicked wares. The good captain Austin be sayin’ these hideouts held all manner of booms 'n bangs, ready to sink ships 'n trouble the seas! Yarrr!

Avast! With that scallywag Sinwar gone, the seas of peace might just calm in the Middle East, matey!

Arrr mateys! Just as the scallywag Nasrallah's demise stirred the pot for peace, the sudden sinking of Hamas captain Sinwar be kickin' the sails of change in the Mideast! Fear not, for his end be a grand chance, not a mournin' – he were naught but a troublesome barnacle!

October 17, 2024

Yarrr, Yahya Sinwar, the heartless scallywag, be causin’ calamity ‘mongst the good folk of Palestine, aye!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Yahya Sinwar be a real piece o' work! A true villain even among his own rabble. Torturin' his own crew like a cat playin' with a mouse! Sent to Davy Jones' locker for bein' a treacherous knave to his own kin—what a sorry tale, aye!

“Ye olde scallywag and his pop gettin' the galleon’s justice from Georgia’s grand court, arrr!”

Arrr, on the 17th day of October, a band o' jurors be pointin' fingers at a scallywag lad o' 14 and his old sea dog father for causin' the demise o' two landlubber students and their educators! Aye, they be drownin’ in a sea o’ 55 charges! Blimey!

Arrr! A holy sea dog be settin' sail fer court, fightin' mandatory scripture readin' in Oklahoma, by thunder!

Arrr, a motley crew of faith captains, landlubber parents, and scallywag scholars in Oklahoma be settin' sail for a legal battle! They be protestin' against the swashbucklin' decree of Ryan Walters, who be wantin' to chart a course with the Good Book in every school. Shiver me timbers!

"Arrr, matey! 'Tis vital to rouse young scallywags on politics 'n' social squabbles, or they’ll be lost at sea!"

Arrr matey! 'Tis a treacherous tide in the classroom seas! Educators be receivin' orders to shun talk o' politics, like a scurvy dog avoidin' the sea! Aye, two-thirds o' the crew be keepin' mum on these matters, lest they be walkin' the plank o' controversy! Aye, what a fine mess!

Arrr, matey! Young scallywags be smokin’ less, as the e-cigarette treasure be sinkin’ to Davy Jones' locker!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags of middle an' high seas be puffin' less smoke! Aye, the lads at the CDC an' FDA be shoutin' from the crow's nest that only 2.25 million young buccaneers be usin' tobacco, a fine drop from last year's blunder! Huzzah!

Arrr, Trump be jabberin' 'bout global tariffs, but can this scallywag truly hoist that sail? Har har!

Arrr, matey! Ol' Captain Trump be flappin' his gums 'bout tariffs like a parrot on a perch! But what be oft ignored be if he or another scallywag could hoist a global tariff wall without askin' Congress or fearin' the federal courts! Aye, the seas be murky indeed!

Arrr, DeSantis be walkin’ the plank o’ lawsuits fer threatenin’ to scuttle Florida’s rights to abort, savvy?

Arrr, matey! A band o' freedom fighters in Florida be settin' sail for court against Captain DeSantis! They be claimin' he’s been plottin’ to scuttle their ballot measure like a scallywag with a cursed treasure map. The landlubbers even accused him of makin’ threats to the telly stations! Blimey!

"Arrr, matey! The FBI be swappin' tales on violent deeds, quieter than a cat o' nine tails!"

Avast ye! When the FBI first hoisted the sails of their crime tally in September 2023, they be sayin’ violent deeds dropped by 2.1%. But lo! They’ve now changed course, revealin’ a 4.5% rise in villainy—more murders and mischief than a pirate’s tavern! Yo ho, what a twist!

Arrr, matey! The Bureau's scribes be claimin’ violence’s up like a ship in a storm under Biden-Harris! Shiver me timbers!

Arrr, matey! The Feds be swabbin' the deck o' their crime scrolls, claimin' a rise in ruckus, when just last year they sang a different tune! The media be fetchin' what be fit fer the Democrats, even when their treasure map of data leads 'em astray! Avast, what a jolly jest!

Arrr! Israel be pokin' and proddin' a corpse from Gaza, hopin' it be the infamous Sinwar, says a scallywag!

Arrr! The Israeli sea dogs be ponderin' if ol' Yahya Sinwar, the scallywag leader o' Hamas, be fishin' with the fishes after a raid in Gaza! They be lookin' at a body, hopin' to find some DNA treasure. Three other rogues met their doom, but they be keepin' it hush-hush!

Arrr, matey! The scallywag Yahya Sinwar be fish food now, says the IDF crew! Ha-ha!

Arrr, word from the briny deep! Yahya Sinwar, the scallywag o' Hamas, be pushing up daisies, confirmed by the Israel sea dogs. This crafty knave plotted the October raid, but now he be in Davy Jones' locker, takin' three mates with him! Avast, what a jolly hullabaloo!

Arrr, it be sayin’ that scallywags from afar be fillin’ our ranks since ’19, growin’ the crew mighty fine!

Arrr, mateys! A fresh scroll reveals that landlubbers from afar be fillin' the sails of the US labor crew! Since 2019, them foreign scallywags be accountin' for 88% of the growth. By 2052, 'tis clear—only them swabs and their wee ones be keepin' the ship afloat! Yarrr!

Arrr, even with a treasure o' a billion doubloons, Harris be lackin' the charm to sway the crew!

Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala be wranglin' a treasure o' a billion doubloons for her crew, spendin' it on flashy scrolls! Yet, the seas be calm, an' her messages be fallin’ flat like a landlubber’s rum! As for Cap’n Biden, he jumped ship in July, leavin’ the sails to flap!

Arrr! L.A. Church be settlin' fer a treasure o' $1.5 billion fer them scallywag priests' misdeeds!

Arrr, matey! In a tale fit fer the deep, the Los Angeles Archdiocese be partin’ with a treasure chest o’ $880 million to quiet the cries o’ 1,353 scallywags wronged by their landlubber priests! After years o’ parleyin’, they’ve finally struck a deal. Aye, that be a whale of a settlement!

Arrr! Ye be hearin' tales o' a covert crew o' scallywags funded by a tech captain, dabblin' in "race sorcery!"

Arrr, matey! A scallywag crew o’ “race science” buccaneers be plottin’ in the shadows, funded by a treasure-hoardin’ techie! They’ve been spinnin’ yarns ‘bout so-called genetic greatness through podcasts and scrolls, tryin’ to hoist their daft ideas into the public eye! A right laugh, I say!

October 16, 2024

"Arrr! Why should ye give a squawking parrot 'bout election certifin'—it be the treasure map to democracy, matey!"

Ahoy! Thomas Nowak be a landlubber intern fer AllSides this Fall 2024, leanin’ to the left like a tipsy sailor! Reviewed by Evan, the newsy mate, and the cap’n John, both with their own sways. As fer election certs, ‘tis naught but scribblin' on parchments to declare the deeds done! Arrr!

Arrr! The FBI be swappin' tales, sayin' crime be risin', not fallin', like a ship in a stormy sea!

Arrr, matey! It be said that ol' Captain Trump be spoutin' tales o' crime droppin' like anchor, but the scallywags at the FBI be slippin' in new figures! Turns out, crimes be risin' like the tide! A fine jest, indeed! Avast, me hearties, keep yer cutlasses ready!

"12 tall tales from Cap'n Trump's lassie-led Fox News parley—ye best be ready for a right laugh, matey!"

Arrr, on the sixteenth day of October, the scallywag Trump parleyed with the fair Harris Faulkner before a crew of lasses! They be yappin’ 'bout matters that tickle the fairer gender’s fancy 'fore the great Election Day on the fifth of November. But beware, matey! Polls say Kamala be leadin' the fleet!

Arrr, matey! Americans be trustin' the media less than a scallywag trusts a leaky ship!

Arrr, matey! It be no surprise that landlubbers be trustin' the media as much as a scallywag trusts a leaky ship! Only 31% be thinkin' the news be true, whilst 36% be tossin' it overboard! 'Tis a right jolly mess, I say!

Avast, me hearties! Dismiss the ‘tariff’ talk—Trump be tryin’ to hoist yer taxes higher than the crow's nest!

Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump be jawin' with Bloomberg in the Windy City, braggin' ‘bout makin' the foreign scallywags pay for our shiny ships! But heed me, mateys: them tariffs be naught but a tax on us landlubbers! If ye already know this, sail on, savvy?

Arrr! Trump be tossin’ aside them landlubber economists' fears about new tariffs like a scallywag tosses old fish!

Arrr, me hearties! The ol' cap'n Trump be standin' firm on his promise to whack them imports with hefty tariffs. He scoffs at the landlubbers frettin' 'bout a trade skirmish with China and reckonin’ it’ll sink jobs and raise prices. Aye, who needs studies when ye got a strong flag to wave?

Arrr! Trump be sparrin' with that Bloomberg scallywag 'bout them pesky tariffs, like cats o' the sea, fightin' over fish!

Arrr, matey! The former captain Trump tangled with the chief scribbler o’ Bloomberg News at the Chicago forum, claimin’ tariffs be no stormy seas. That scallywag Micklethwait kept pokin’ the bear, askin’ about his plans to tax the treasure on imports and scallywags makin’ off with their gold. Har har!

Arrr! US be sayin’ aid to Israel's on the line, unless they toss more doubloons to Gaza! Ho ho!

Ahoy, mateys! The Biden crew be sendin’ a missive to the Israeli shipmates, demandin’ they mend the sorry state o’ Gaza in thirty tides or risk losin’ their booty of US gold! Blinken and Austin be the scallywags behind this letter, steerin’ clear of a legal storm! Arrr!

Hark! Harris be swimmin’ in the stormy seas of Black voters' woes at Charlamagne tha God’s grand parley! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Vice President Harris be shakin' in her boots 'bout Black voters in Charlamagne's den o' chatter! She be claimin’ she’s no scallywag, defendin’ her record, and callin' Trump a villainous threat to our fair seas o' democracy. A fine hullabaloo, it be!

Arrr, Rape Crisis Scotland be still scratchin' their noggins over what a "woman" be! Blimey, what a pickle!

Avast, me hearties! Spare a thought fer Sandy Brindley, captain of Rape Crisis Scotland! Since last October, she’s been tangled in the stormy seas o’ defining “woman.” A tribunal be sayin’ to set sail with a clear definition, but blimey! Even I know the scallywag who attacked me weren’t no lass!

Arrr! Trump be callin' the GOP the "sensible scallywags" in a right ruckus with Bloomberg, eh?

Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump declared the Repub’licans be the “party o’ common sense,” whilst sparrin’ words with Bloomberg’s scallywag in Chicago. They yapped ‘bout gold and treasure for a good hour, but soon drifted into stormy seas o’ debate, aye!

"Three scallywags from Honduras caught in a right pickle, accused of foul mischief 'gainst a wee landlubber!"

Arrr, matey! Three scallywags from Honduras be caught in Florida, charged with foul deeds against a wee lass under twelve! They snuck aboard during the Biden-Harris sails, two o’ them breaching the Southern seas in 2021, and the third slippin’ in 2023. A jolly fine mess, indeed!

October 15, 2024

Arrr! North Korea be makin' a right ruckus, blowin' up roadways like a treasure chest gone kaboom on the border!

Arrr matey! On Tuesday, the scallywags of North Korea let loose their fury, blastin' two bridges in a grand display o' pyrotechnics along the Demilitarized Zone! No souls harmed in South Korea, but warning shots rung out like cannon fire! Aye, even the machine guns got in on the fun!

Arrr! Survivors ‘n’ kin be threat'nin’ to unleash the law on the scallywags o’ the Army for their slackin' ways!

Arrr, a hundred souls be threatenin' to hoist the sails of justice against the U.S. Army! They be claimin' negligence fer lettin’ a scallywag slip through the cracks, causin’ a ruckus in Maine last October. They’ve sent their demands to the Davy Jones' locker of the Department of Defense!

Arrr, troubled Boeing be thinkin’ of scroungin’ up to $25 billion doubloons to patch their sinking ship!

Arrr, matey! Boeing be hoistin' the sails t’ raise a treasure chest o’ $25 billion! After takin' a beatin' like a ship in a storm, they be beggin' lenders fer gold, as the scallywags be on strike! Aye, the seas be rough fer this ol’ bird!

"Arrr! Harris be settin' sail with Joe Rogan to hunt fer matey votes, say them salty sea dogs!"

Arrr, matey! Kamala, the fair lass vyin’ for the captain's chair, be thinkin’ to parley with the jolly podcaster Joe Rogan, a true siren to the young lads! Rumors swirl like a tempest, but no word yet if she'll sail into his ship o' chat. Avast!

Arrr, California scallywags be denyin' SpaceX sails 'cause of Captain Musk's politics! Blimey, what a jolly mess!

Avast ye! Elon Musk’s tongue waggin’ on the political seas be sinkin’ SpaceX’s plans to let loose a fleet o’ rockets from California’s shores. The Coastal Commission be sayin’ “Nay!” to the Air Force’s grand scheme, all ‘cause our captain be causin’ a ruckus online! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Trump be callin’ fer cannon fire on them ‘radical left scallywags’ come Election Day! Ha-ha!

Arrr, me hearties! That ol’ captain Trump be frettin’ ’bout the ruckus from them “radical left lunatics” come Election Day! He be callin’ fer the National Guard to hoist the sails and fend off “the enemy from within.” Ahoy, what be this chaos he be expectin’?

Arrr, Trump be wantin’ the National Guard to swab the deck o’ the enemy lurkin' beneath the plank! Har har!

Arrr, that scallywag Trump be suggestin' summonin' the National Guard on Election Day to fend off "the treacherous enemy from within," which he calls "radical left lunatics!" When asked 'bout Biden's worries o' chaos, he laughed, sayin' the real trouble be from them landlubbers! Aye, what a merry jest!

October 14, 2024

Arrr! Elon be spittin’ fire ‘bout his rocket bein’ scuttled, claimin’ politics be a barnacle on his ship!

Arrr, matey! Captain Musk be raisin’ the black flag o' litigation, claimin’ his political musings be the reason his rocket dreams be sunk by the Coastal Commission scallywags! He’s ready to set sail on a lawsuit, shoutin’ about his First Amendment rights ‘cause he wants to launch 50 cannons from Santa Barbara! Avast!

Arrr, Ted Cruz be swimmin' in troubled waters, says a sneaky poll from the landlubbers of his own crew!

Avast ye mateys! It be lookin’ grim fer ol’ Senator Cruz down in Texas, sayeth a secret scroll from the GOP crew! The crafty Allred be closin' in on him like a hungry shark! With less than a month 'til the showdown, Cruz be barely ahead by a single point! Arrr!

Arrr! Trump be closin' the distance with Harris, like a ship catchin' wind in three fresh reckonin's!

Arrr, matey! Three scallywag polls dropped on Sunday, showin’ the presidential seas grow stormy! Trump be catchin’ up to Vice President Harris, with but 23 days left to sail. Last month, she was ahead like a treasure ship, but now it be neck-and-neck, savvy?

October 13, 2024

Arrr! Harris be sailin’ past Trump in the latest treasure map from CBS News! Aye, what a fine jest!

Arrr, matey! According to a fresh treasure map from CBS News, Vice President Harris be leadin’ Trump by a mere 3 doubloons! Aye, she’s got 51% o’ the scallywags’ votes, him only 48! With the big day comin’ fast, both be dodgin’ bullets like drunken sailors!

Arrr, matey! Looks like Hamas be tryin’ to sweet-talk Iran into joinin’ their mischief on the seventh o’ October!

Arrr, fer nigh two years, Captain Yahya Sinwar be schemin' with his scallywag mates, plottin' a mighty blow to the landlubbers o’ Israel! With secret scrolls snatched by the Israeli crew, they be detailin' their dastardly plans and tryin' to roguishly bring aboard their mates, Iran and Hezbollah, fer the grand raid!

Arrr, Trump be sailin' to them blue shores, pointin' out Harris' blunders—'tis a paradise gone to Davy Jones!

Arrr, as Election Day be sneakin' up, the former captain Trump be sailin' into the depths of blue California, shoutin' about inflation and scallywags! He struck land in Coachella Valley, takin' on Vice President Harris, and lo! A mighty throng gathered—"Blimey, look at this crew!" he quipped.

Arrr! Biden's countin' the storm's plunder in Florida, while Harris be seekin' salvation in Carolina's holy haven!

Avast ye! President Biden be settin' sail to witness the havoc wrought by Hurricane Milton on Florida's shores, beggin' Congress for more doubloons. Meanwhile, Vice President Harris be livin' it up in North Carolina, rallyin' the crew at a church. Biden soared over Tampa, spyin' the mess left by ol' Milton!

Arrr! UN be callin’ Israel scallywags fer stealin’ the peacekeepers' rum in Lebanon—blimey, what a ruckus!

Arrr, matey! The UN be callin’ Israel a scallywag for breakin’ the law, as their tanks crashed the peacekeepers’ party in Lebanon! Just hours ‘fore Captain Netanyahu shouted for the crew to skedaddle from the fightin’. Meanwhile, the cannons be blazin’ hot in Gaza’s northern seas!

October 12, 2024

"Arrr, Trump's treasure chest be overflowing, while Biden's purse be as light as a feather in a storm!"

Arrr, the scallywag Trump be puffin' up his treasure chest o' economic deeds from his four-year voyage! Meanwhile, that crafty Harris be not captaining the ship, yet Biden’s loot be spillin' from her hold. The crew be sayin’ Trump’s got the better booty, much to Biden's mateys' chagrin!

Arrr matey! Trump be callin’ fer warships and cannons, fearin’ the scallywags o' Iran be up to no good!

Arrr, me hearties! Trump’s crew be seekin’ warships for his grand voyage, beggin’ for sky bans over his treasure haunts, and armor glass stashed in seven battlegrounds. They even be wantin’ a fleet o’ land lubber transports! A fine jolly jaunt fer a swashbucklin' captain, indeed!

Arrr, matey! Rumor be of dastardly plots from Iran, mighty serious like a shipwreck on a calm sea!

Arrr, matey! It be rumored that Iran be scheming to send ol' Trump and his crew to Davy Jones’ locker, all in a huff over that drone strike that sent Soleimani to the briny deep! Aye, their plots be more tangled than a ship’s anchor in a storm!

October 11, 2024

Arrr, it be lookin' like Elon be tired of chasin' treasure on four wheels, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Last eve, Elon Musk, that scallywag, hosted a grand show o' metal mates on a Warner Bros. lot! But alas, the investors be shiverin' in their boots. Also, ye ol’ number-crunchers be settin' odds for a ruckus in sports! For a proper pirate ride, click here! Yarrr!

Arrr! California scallywags be stoppin' Musk's sky cannon, claimin' his jabberin' be more trouble than treasure!

Avast ye! A SpaceX galleon of rockets set sail from Vandenberg on a fateful Friday, but the landlubbers of the commission scuttled Musk's dreams of 50 skyward blasts a year. They be frettin' over his raucous chatter and labor woes, like scallywags at a bar fight! Arrr!

Arrr! The US be layin' the smackdown on Iran's sneaky ghost ships and scallywag companies, savvy?

Arrr, matey! On Friday, the landlubbers o' the United States be slappin’ new sanctions on Iran's phantom fleet o' vessels! These scallywags be hidin' their oil like a treasure map in a murky sea. Now, they be on the U.S. naughty list! Avast, ye oil smugglers!

Arrr, Trump be settin' sail to charm the lasses for a second term in their port o' chatter!

Arrr, matey! The old captain Trump be trailin' behind the fair maidens in the voter seas! Next week, he be settin' sail for a parley with lasses, hopin' to charm 'em and turn the tides ‘fore the big election storm hits! Har har, good luck with that!

Arrr, me hearties! Republicans might want to heed J.D. Vance’s call fer a bit o’ heart, lest they walk the plank!

Arrr, matey! Last week’s debate be the final showdown fer landlubbers to size up the presidential scallywags! The Republicans got a right shiny word from Sen. J.D. Vance, who spun a yarn fer Trumpism better than the ol’ captain hisself! He be shoutin’ fer the crown to hoist the sails o’ government!

"Arrr! A savvy landlubber at Cornell be claimin’ victory for speakin’ up fer the fine folk o’ Palestine!"

Arrr, me hearties! At Cornell’s salty shores, free speech be hoisted high like a Jolly Roger! Momodou Taal, a brave Brit, faced the captain’s wrath for his pro-Palestine cries. But lo! The university’s cannon fell silent, and Taal sails on, visa intact! Aye, what a merry tale!

"Sixty-five sea-dogs o’ medicine: What we be spied in the cursed sands of Gaza, arrr!"

Arrr, I sailed the tempestuous seas of surgery in Gaza, from the 25th of March to the 8th of April! I’ve plundered my skills in Ukraine and Haiti, but behold! Each day, a wee one fell to misfortune, shot in the noggin or chest, all meetin’ Davy Jones! Thirteen, me hearties! Aye, what a grim treasure that be!

"Arrr! The highborn's hushin' o' Biden be weighin' down our lass Harris like an anchor, I tell ye!"

Avast, me hearties! If Kamala be crowned, she ain’t the first lass to sail the presidential seas! Nay, that title be claimed by Edith Bolling Wilson, who steered the ship whilst her matey Woodrow lay in the brig, too knackered to parley! Blimey, what a tangled tale!

Arrr, Hurricane Milton be no crafty contraption, matey! Just a wild tempest, blowin' like a drunken sailor!

Arrr, matey! Rumors be flyin' like seagulls ‘bout Hurricane Milton bein’ “crafted” and Florida’s weather bein’ run by scallywags! Nay, no magic contraptions let us tame tempestuous seas. Yet on the cursed scrolls of X and TikTok, such tall tales be watch’d by a shipload of landlubbers!

Arrr! Scallywags be spoutin' tall tales 'bout Hurricane Milton, while the officials be shoutin' like mad sea dogs!

Arrr, matey! Scallywags be spouting tall tales 'bout weather wizards and phony rescue missions! Hurricane Milton's makin’ waves in a sea o' lies ‘bout Helene. Officials be blowin’ their horns, yellin’ 'tis all bunk! Keep yer wits, lest ye be led astray by bilge rats!

Arrr! Even scallywags be callin' each other out 'bout false tales o' the stormy seas, matey!

Arrr, as southern ports be sweepin' the debris of Hurricane Helene, some Republican scallywags be tasked with swabbin' the decks of misinformation spilled by their mateys! Aye, right after Helene hit the shore, wild tales flew like cannonballs, with that hearty lass Greene spoutin’ yarns 'bout the storm’s origins!

Avast! Beware the treacherous tides of Trump’s 2020 scroll, full o’ bluster and foul election trickery, matey! Arrr!

Ahoy! Emanuel Macuixtle be the scallywag intern for AllSides this Fall, leanin' left like a tipsy sailor! Reviewed by Captain Henry A. Brechter and First Mate Johnathon Held, each with their own starry-eyed views. The court's ruckus about Jack Smith's parchments be like a stormy sea—depends on yer bias, matey!

October 10, 2024

Avast, me hearties! The Internet Archive be under siege, spillin' the beans on 31 million scallywag accounts!

Arrr, matey! On a fine Wednesday afternoon, The Verge sailed into The Internet Archive, only to be met by a scallywag pop-up claimin' the treasure trove be hacked! At the strike of 9PM, ol’ Brewster Kahle confirmed the ruckus — a JavaScript mischief had defaced their grand ship!

Arrr! Trump be callin' Kamala a scallywag, laughin' it up whilst the South be drownin' from Hurricane Helene's wrath!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be havin' a right laugh at Vice President Harris, makin' merry on the tellin' box while the good folk be pickin' up the pieces from Hurricane Helene! Aye, she's sippin' grog with jesters while chaos be afoot! What a jolly jest, I say!

Biden be callin' Trump a scallywag fer spreadin' hurricane tales! "Avast, matey! Find yerself a proper life!"

Arrr, President Biden be throwin’ shade at ol’ Trump, claimin’ he’s spewin’ tall tales ‘bout them hurricanes! He be sayin’, “Ahoy, matey! Get yerself a life, ye scallywag!” A right merry jest on the high seas of politics, I say!

Arrr, mateys! Floridians be countin' Milton's spoils, preparin' fer a long, stormy sail to recovery!

Arrr, a handful o' days past, Rick Conflitti and his lass were ponderin' if they should hightail it from their wooden shack ‘fore Hurricane Milton crashed ashore. "Ye can’t tempt fate, matey!" Rick beamed at NPR, as the winds be whistlin' a merry tune!

Arrr, Hurricane Milton be slashin’ through Florida, leavin' millions in the dark like scallywags at Davy Jones' locker!

Arrr, me hearties! Captain DeSantis be spillin' the beans on Hurricane Milton, which roared ashore like a scallywag with a hangover. By day's end, 340 souls and their furry mates be saved! The brave crews be busy as bees, plunderin' the storm’s wrath across 26 counties! Avast ye!

Avast! Matt Gaetz be spouting tales of FEMA's gold from Hurricane Ian, not that scallywag Helene! Yarrr!

Avast ye! A picture on the scallywag's X be sayin' it’s from Rep. Matt Gaetz about Hurricane Helene! But nay, 'tis a tale from two years past, speakin’ of Ian, not Helene! Aye, Helene be the deadliest since '05, claimin’ over 230 souls and sinkin’ towns, savvy?

Avast! What blatherin’ did Gallego and Lake parley in their Senate showdown, ye scallywags? Let's weigh anchor on the truth!

Arrr, matey! Kari Lake and Ruben Gallego be swingin' their cutlasses o' opposition in a raucous debate, jabbin' 'bout immigration and such. ’Twas a fine spectacle, aye, as the early vote sailed in. Buckle yer swash, for the election tide be risin’!

Arrr, me hearties! Hurricanes Helene and Milton be stirrin’ the political seas o' Florida and North Carolina! Avast!

Arrr, between Captain Trump and his first mate Vance spoutin' tall tales 'bout hurricane gold and claimin' FEMA's spoilin' for landlubbers, they be callin' on North Carolina to open the treasure chest o' votes where Hurricane Helene struck hard, seekin' aid from Governor Cooper and his scallywags!

Arrr! This study be showin' we scallywags think we know it all, but we be blind as a bat!

Arrr, matey! Newfangled facts be showin’ that landlubbers reckon their knowin’ be enough to chart the seas o’ any tale, forgettin’ they might be missin’ vital treasure maps! Hunter Gehlbach and his crew from Johns Hopkins be spillin’ the beans in PLOS ONE on the ninth day of October in the year of our Lord, 2024!

Arrr! Cuba be meddlin' in the 2024 scallywag elections, proppin' up them commie landlubbers! Avast, what a jest!

Avast, ye scallywags! The Office o' the Grand Intelligence told us this week that them Cuban buccaneers be schemin' to meddle in our 2024 election! They be wantin' to sway votes fer the captain o' the ship, and lend a hook to their pro-communist mates! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Senator be callin’ the law to plunder into youth havens after discoverin’ a treasure trove o’ abuse!

Arrr, matey! Sen. Ron Wyden be callin’ upon the Justice crew to scour the seas o’ youth treatment establishments for treachery and fraud! He be sendin’ word to the mighty Attorney General, lettin’ slip that four scallywag corporations be up to no good! Avast, justice awaits!

Arrr, Trump be settin' sail, sayin' "Nay to another duel, matey! No rematch on this stormy sea!"

Arrr, matey! His reluctance to parley on the fair seas of Fox News be tellin' us he fears the squall of a duel with the vice captain! Harris be ready for round two, claimin' they owe it to the good folk. Aye, the ship's sails be filled with debate!

Arrr! A scallywag from the ICE crew be usin' her pass to sneak in landlubbers!

Arrr, matey! A lass named Nancy Berenice, a crafty contractor for the ICE crew, tried to sneak a shipload o’ 39 scallywags into Texas, claimin' 'twas a government jaunt! But the Border Patrol saw through her ruse, fer half o’ 'em looked more like landlubbers than lads! Har har!

Arrr, Trump be shunnin' Fox's call fer a duel with that scallywag Harris come late October! Avast!

Arrr, mateys! The ol’ captain Trump be refusin’ to parley with the lass Harris again, claimin’ he’s already bested her in the last skirmish! Fox be tryin’ to set up a second bout, but he’s hoistin’ the sails away from that notion. No more debates till the treasure’s claimed on Nov. 5!

October 9, 2024

Arrr, a wee Chief’s lad be settin’ sail fer court, claimin’ Deadspin crossed a line sharper than a cutlass!

Arrr! A Delaware sea judge be sayin’ the Armenta crew can haul Deadspin to court fer callin’ young Holden a “blackface” scallywag at a Chiefs shindig! In 2023, writer Carron Phillips be likin’ to spin tall tales, claimin’ the lad be hatin’ both Black folks and Native mates all at once! Har har!

Arrr, FEMA be hoardin’ treasure from past storms like a landlubber hoards his rum!

Arrr, matey! The Biden-Harris crew be soundin' the alarm o' empty coffers fer the stormy seas ahead, yet FEMA be loungin' on a treasure trove of doubloons from past calamities! Aye, $8.3 million from days o' yore be gatherin' barnacles instead o' helpin' the scallywags in need!

Arrr! The Justice crew be demandin’ a hefty keel-haulin’ fer Google in a grand ol’ treasure squabble!

Arrr! The Justice Crew be callin' for the scallywag Google to walk the plank! They be lookin’ to shatter his monopoly over the search seas. With talks of breakin' ties with fancy ships like Apple and Samsung, it be high time to keep that tech giant in check, matey!

"Arrr! A scallywag from Afghanistan nabbed in Oklahoma, scheming to cause a ruckus on Election Day! Avast, matey!"

Arrr, matey! In the wilds of Oklahoma, a scallywag named Nasir plotted a dastardly deed on election day! This landlubber, fresh from afar, sought to bewitch cameras in D.C., all fer the infamous Islamic State! Blimey, what a noodle-brained buccaneer!

October 8, 2024

"Arrr! CBS be givin' a good scoldin' to their anchor fer clashin' swords with Ta-Nehisi Coates! Har har!"

Arrr, matey! CBS be givin’ a good tongue-lashin’ to their mornin’ star, Tony Dokoupil, for battlin’ with the scribe Ta-Nehisi Coates 'bout the Israeli-Palestinian hullabaloo. The bigwigs be sayin’ his chat lacked the proper cannon fire for their standards. Aye, the crew be a bit ruffled!

Arrr! The CBS scallywags be sayin' Dokoupil and Coates' chat be as flat as a landlubber's rum!

Arrr, mates! The CBS crew be squawkin’ ‘bout a mornin’ chat led by Captain Dokoupil that missed the mark o’ true journalism. In a jolly meeting, the executives, Wendy and Adrienne, declared it not up to snuff! Fear not, for they be sayin’, “We’ll still…” Aye, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, the poll be showin' that lass Harris be climbin' high, takin' on Trump like a scallywag!

Arrr, mateys! It seems the scallywags now see Vice President Kamala Harris as the fair captain of change, while Donald J. Trump be lookin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull! Aye, she’s takin’ the lead in the race for the White House, hoisting her flag high!

Arrr, Tony Dokoupil be gettin’ a tongue-lashin’ from the captain for his rough waters with Ta-Nehisi Coates, matey!

Arrr, the high brass at CBS be takin’ a jolly jab at our matey Tony Dokoupil on the mornin’ show! They be claimin’ his questions be rougher than a sea storm when he faced off with that scallywag Ta-Nehisi Coates about them pesky Palestinians. A storm brews among the crew over truth, aye!

Arrr! Five treasures from Kamala Harris’ chat on '60 Minutes,' matey! Buckle yer swash and prepare for laughs!

Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris be battlin' the stormy seas o' tough queries 'bout her treasure plans, the sluggish ship o' border security, and how she'd parley with the Russkies over their scallywag ways in Ukraine! Aye, her chat with CBS be a grand spectacle amidst a media hullabaloo!

Arrr, Harris be pressin' on Ukraine, countin' doubloons 'n' ponderin' if blunders be made at the ol' border!

Arrr, matey! Vice-President Kamala Harris found herself in a storm o' questions 'bout the Middle East, Ukraine, and more during a chat with CBS. Meanwhile, ol' Donald scuttled away from the deck. With the election clock tickin’, it be a right raucous sea of politics ahead!

"From her blunderbuss to the czar: Six jests from the parley with that crafty wench Harris on the 60 Minutes!"

Arrr, mateys! Vice President Kamala be squirming like a fish on a hot deck during her latest chat with CBS’s 60 Minutes! No friendly seas there! With the election storm brewin’ soon, she be hopin’ to turn the tide 'gainst her rival, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Russia's treasure chest from China be runnin' dry—time to hoist the sails and find new loot!

Arrr, matey! This week, the U.S. license be walkin' the plank, makin' it a right challenge fer the Russian scallywags to trade their doubloons in Chinese yuan! The Treasury's cursed sanctions be sinkin' the Moscow Exchange faster than a ship in a storm! No dollars, no euros, just a barrel o' trouble!

October 7, 2024

Avast! The Trump treasure map be addin' doubloons to the nation's debt faster than Harris can swab the deck!

Arrr, matey! A fresh reckonin' be revealin' that Captain Trump’s treasure maps for taxes and spendin' might hoist the national debt to a staggering $7 trillion doubloons—twice as much as Lady Harris’s schemes! Aye, it be a jolly fine mess for the seas ahead!

"Arrr, matey! Harris be castin’ her net for the daftest barnacles in the voter sea!"

"Arrr, mateys! A landlubber’s folly be threat to all hands aboard! Just a week past the fateful duel 'twixt Biden and Trump, the Democrats be seizin’ the chance to hoist their flag high. With gold from fat cats and unions, they be ready to crown a lass as cap'n!"

Arrr, BP be tossin’ their oil-cutting dreams, settin’ sail for a new treasure map instead!

Arrr, matey! BP's captain, Murray Auchincloss, be throwin' the treasure map o' reduced oil and gas output overboard! Once promised a grand 40% cut by 2030, now it be slashed to a mere 25%! Looks like they be searchin' for gold in the investors' eyes instead!

Arrr! The golden trinket be giv'n fer findin' tiny gene whispers that be runnin' the body’s wild seas!

Arrr, matey! Every critter cell be startin’ with the same treasure map o’ DNA, but only some be chartin’ their own course! Avast! The 2024 Nobel booty went to them clever scallywags Ambros and Ruvkun for findin’ microRNA, the sly navigator o’ gene regulation! Yarrr!

Arrr, matey! Harris be chattin' 'bout baby troubles on the 'Call Her Daddy' seas while Democrats be parleyin'!

Avast ye mateys! Vice President Kamala Harris, a fine lass, set sail on the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, jabberin’ about a woman’s struggle with matters of the heart and the belly! She took a few jabs at that scallywag GOP rival, all while showin’ the grit of a true sea dog! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Harris be takin' a jab at Trump’s baby makin' tales on a cheeky podcast, 'Call Her Daddy'!

Arrr matey! Vice President Harris be settin' sail on the “Call Her Daddy” show, battlin' Trump like a true buccaneer! She be spoutin' tales of 20 states where the scurvy dog be banishin’ abortion rights. Yarrr, a fierce lass that be, fightin’ for the fair maidens!

Harris be chattin’ with a raucous love tavern, dodgin’ the scurvy news dogs like a slippery sea rat!

Arrr, matey! The fine Vice President Kamala Harris be settin’ sail fer a raucous chat on the “Call Her Daddy” seas, spillin' her thoughts on matters o' the belly, while she be dodgin' the traditional media cannon fire! Tune in next week fer the jolly jests!

Arrr! Putin's scallywag, the 'Merchant of Death,' be peddlin' cannons once more after the Yanks let 'im loose!

Arrr, me hearties! Infamous scallywag Viktor Bout be plundering once more, mere moons after his freedom swap for a lass of the WNBA! Yonder Houthis be parleyin' in Moscow, chasin' a 10 million doubloon deal, only to find the "Merchant of Death" awaitin'! Avast, what a jolly rogue!

October 6, 2024

Arrr! A scallywag set hisself ablaze 'fore the White House—talk about a fiery protest, matey!

Arrr, matey! A media scallywag named Samuel Mena Jr. went and set his own arm aflame outside the White House during a ruckus against Israel! The poor soul be screamin’ like a banshee, while landlubbers and coppers scurry to douse his fiery folly. Talk about a hot mess!

Arrr! Israel be unleashin’ a cannonball storm o' fury on them scallywags, Hezbollah, in the heart o’ Beirut!

Arrr, matey! The Israeli buccaneers unleashed their cannon fire upon Beirut while the moon was high! They be givin’ the good folk new orders to skedaddle from their homes. Meanwhile, a blow struck near a mosque in Gaza, claimin’ 18 souls. A year of squabbles in the southern seas, I reckon!

Arrr! Harris be settin' sail fer North Carolina again, seekin' treasure in Helene's wrecked waters! Aye, what folly!

Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala, swift as a cannonball, be rowing ‘round the stormy shores o’ North Carolina, meetin’ landlubbers and brave souls! After a jaunt in the Midwest, she be hearin’ tales of woe while the crew be hurlin’ accusations of weak respondin’. Aye, the winds be favorin' her!

Arrr, Trump be stirrin' up a storm o' mournful tales and fiery words on his grand return to Butler!

Arrr, me hearties! The old seadog Trump be stirrin' the pot again in Pennsylvania, where a scallywag tried to send him to Davy Jones' locker! With more rallies on the horizon, this election be hotter than a cannonball in the sun! Buckle yer swash, the battle be on!

October 4, 2024

Arrr! Greenpoint scallywags be fumin’, as a rogue weed den might plunder the grand ol’ bank’s treasure!

Arrr, they be wantin' to turn the grand ol' bank in Greenpoint into a weed emporium! A scallywag crew from Bushwick be lookin' to hoist their jolly roger there, leavin' the townsfolk spittin' mad! A notice be hangin', lettin' all know of the green tides comin' ashore!

Arrr! Kamala be plunderin’ Barack from the deep, to swashbuckle in the swingin’ seas of the states!

Arrr, matey! Former Captain Obama be hittin' the campaign seas fer Vice Captain Harris next week! The race fer the grand White House be heatin' up, like a pot o' gruel on a stormy night! With but a month t’ go, it be a right nail-biter, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Michael Moore be sayin' that sailin' to the center might sink Harris's ship o' presidency!

Arrr, matey! Michael Moore be thinkin’ Trump be sinkin’ faster than a ship with a hole! But he warns the fair Kamala not to drop the ball with her crew. This salty director be shoutin’ for Biden to walk the plank, hailing Harris as the treasure to keep!

Arrr! The whole crew o' the Chicago school board be settin' sail for greener pastures, matey!

Arrr, gather 'round me hearties! A squabble be brewin' 'twixt Johnson and the board during the July treasure hunt fer gold, as they scuttled the mayor's orders to borrow doubloons! And lo! The captain o' CPS, Pedro, claimed the mayor wanted his head, but the board be lettin' him sail on. What say ye?

Arrr! Biden's treasure for scallywag scholars be stuck in Davy Jones' locker once more, after a wild legal storm!

Arrr, mateys! A landlubber judge in Missouri be throwin' a spanner in President Biden's treasure map for student gold! Just when the wind seemed fair, Judge Schelp be slammin' the hatch, sayin’ "Nay!" to them hopes of makin’ debts walk the plank! Avast, what a jolly mess!

Arrr! FEMA scallywags be squandering doubloons, loungin’ in inns whilst the storm rages! A fine jest, I say!

Arrr! The federal scallywags be slower than a three-legged tortoise, leavin' poor Hurricane Helene's crew high and dry! Whistleblowers be spillin' the beans 'bout the sorry state o' the FEMA mateys. Just days after their captain, Alejandro Mayorkas, confessed they ain't got the doubloons to spare!

"Arrr! FEMA be counterin' claims o' gold squandered on landlubber migrants, sayin' 'twas but a splash in the ocean!"

Arrr, the scallywags at FEMA be settin’ sail against the tall tales that doubloons for landlubber migrants be better spent mendin’ the seas after Hurricane Helene! Cap’n Abbott and young Trump be all a-fluster over $640 million for them swabs, but FEMA be sayin’ it’s all fair winds!

Arrr! In September, the U.S. crew be hirin' like mad, blastin' past all them fancy hopes, savvy?

Arrr, me hearties! In the weeks afore the grand Election Day, the land o' labor be lookin' spry! A bounty o' 254,000 jobs be added, makin' the unemployment rate drop to a merry 4.1%! Blimey, the landlubber economists be caught off guard! Avast, what a treasure trove!

October 3, 2024

Arrr, matey! Dockhands be settlin’ down 'til January; no more ruckus at the docks, for now! Yarrr!

Arrr, mateys! The dock scallywags be settlin' their squabble and hoistin' their sails by Friday! A plump 62% booty be promised, but we best act quick, or it’ll vanish like a ghost ship in the fog! So, let’s be makin’ merry before the time runs dry!

Arrr! Dockhands be haltin' their ruckus till the Ides of January, seekin' gold for a new deal, savvy?

Ahoy, me hearties! The lively crew of 45,000 dockswabs be settlin’ their quarrels, callin’ off their three-day mutiny till the 15th of January! The International Longshoremen’s Association struck a bargain with the U.S. Maritime Alliance, so let’s hoist the sails and get back to workin’ for a few shiny doubloons! Arrr!

Arrr! The U.S. be throwin’ ten scallywags in the brig fer peddlin’ magic pills worth a treasure o’ $1.3 billion!

Arrr, matey! On the third day of October, the U.S. landlubbers be pinching ten scallywags fer peddlin’ a treasure trove of 70 million cursed opioid pills! Aye, they’re worth a whopping $1.3 billion doubloons! 'Tis the grandest bust in pill-piratin' history! Avast, ye pill pushers!

Arrr, the firefightin' crew be choosin' no captain fer the ship of state! Let the flames dance, matey!

Arrr, me hearties! The brave blokes of the fire-fightin’ union be sayin’ they won’t be throwin’ their support behind any scallywag for captain o’ the ship this year! Last time they backed ol’ Biden, but now they be split by a mere hair! Aye, what a comical predicament!

"Avast, mateys! A raucous parley 'twixt the second-in-command, where wits clash like swords on the high seas!"

Arrr, matey! On a fine Tuesday eve, Sen. J.D. Vance and Gov. Tim Walz clashed like scallywags in the only vice presidential brawl of this here election voyage! The CBS crew led the fray, discussin' matters from babies to treasure chests, all after that grand captain's showdown!

Arrr, matey! Mayorkas be sayin’ FEMA gold be dryin' up faster than rum on a thirsty pirate's ship!

Arrr, mateys! The scallywag Secretary Mayorkas be spillin’ the beans—FEMA’s treasure chest be runnin’ dry this hurricane season! Aye, they’ve plundered over $640 million for landlubber shelters fer them non-citizen swabs. Hurricane Helene be comin’, and we be left with naught but a leaky boat!

Arrr, matey! Port ruckus be causin' a loo roll frenzy! Shoppers be pillagin' shelves like treasure chests, arrr!

Arrr mateys, the landlubbers be hoarding the soft treasure o’ the throne! As 45,000 scallywags from the Longshoremen's crew be striking, the word spread like wildfire! Shoppers be snatchin’ up all the loo rolls, leavin' naught but bare shelves! Talk about a real toilet terror, aye!

Arrr! Turns out, it be them scallywags spreadin’ tall tales that get sent to Davy Jones, not the ship’s course!

Arrr, matey! A fresh scroll from the good ship Nature be claimin' that the scallywags of the conservative crew be spreadin’ more tall tales on the social seas. Thus, the keelhaulin’ of their accounts ain't proof of bias, but merely a jolly ol' consequence of their yarn-spinnin' ways!

Avast! JD Vance be spouting truths 'bout botched belly troubles and holy sisters! Aye, he be right, me hearties!

ARRR, matey! JD Vance be shoutin' that Walz be lettin' docs off the hook to save wee babes from failed abortions, and that Kamala be after them holy nuns! But blow me down, 'tis TRUE! Walz did swap rules, makin' care broader, like a pirate's waistline after a feast!

Nay, matey! Biden be not sayin’ he’s done sendin’ gold to the poor souls of Hurricane Helene! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! Captain Biden be claimin’ no more booty fer the Hurricane Helene scallywags! In a jolly clip, he be spoutin’ that they’ve plundered the treasure chest dry. When asked for more doubloons, he be sayin', “Nay, we’ve given 'em all we got!” Aye, it be a fine pickle!

Arrr! Blue State Gov be settin' sail fer swift gun rules, hopin' to dodge the watchin' eye of landlubbers!

Arrr, matey! Governor Maura Healey be hoistin’ the sails of gun reform, settin’ her law to fly faster than a cannonball! No time for the Second Amendment scallywags to catch their breath! Ghost guns and 3-D blunderbusses be walkin’ the plank! Aye, she signed it on July 25, savvy?

"Arrr, the Middle East be blazin' hotter than a bilge rat in a cauldron, savvy?"

Arrr, matey! On the first of October, Iran’s cannon fire be makin’ the seas of the Middle East stormy! It all started when Hezbollah’s trinkets went boom on the 17th! Israel's plunderin' be the biggest raid ever, and now the skies be rainin’ cannonballs ‘n chaos! Avast!

Arrr! A scallywag judge be stoppin' California's deepfake ban, like a parrot squawkin' in a tavern!

Arrr! A federal judge be sayin’ that Californy’s law against them trickster ads be walkin’ the plank o’ free speech! Signed by that scallywag, Gov. Newsom, it sprung from some crafty videos by a conservative rogue and the infamous Musk. A fine mess, indeed, me hearties!

Arrr, Captain Eric be in hot water, claimin’ the Biden-Harris crew be huntin’ him like a scallywag!

Arrr, matey! Mayor Eric Adams be swabbin' the decks of a federal court, facin' a stormy sea o' corruption that could land him in Davy Jones' locker! He be askin' the court to scuttle a charge and keelhaul the gub'ment for spillin' secrets. All this while sportin' a grin and a fine navy suit, savvy?

Arrr, Canada be readyin' their mighty flying ships to whisk away landlubbers from Lebanon if the storm be brewin'!

Arrr, matey! The king's crew be readyin' the flying ships to whisk away our fellow Canucks from the stormy seas of Lebanon, if the ruckus escalates! Ol' Bill Blair be sayin' they be sailin' smooth for now, but keep yer eyes peeled, for chaos be brewin'! Yarrr!

Arrr! The Houthis be blarneyin' 'bout firin' their 'Quds 5' boomsticks at the IDF's landlubber posts in Israel! Ha!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags of Yemen be claimin’ they’ve sent three winged cannonballs to strike Israel’s fortresses! But, lo and behold, the Israeli lads be mum on the matter. Their parley man, Yahya Saree, be warnin’ that the Yanks and Brits are stirrin’ the pot! Avast, what a pickle!

October 2, 2024

Arrr, a hullabaloo o' landlubber scallywags nabbed in LA fer thinkin' they're better than others!

Arrr! A band o' 68 scallywags, all tied up with the White supremacist lot, were caught in Los Angeles, says the federal sea dogs! Over 40 of these Peckerwood knaves found themselves in irons in one grand takedown, makin’ history like a crew o' bumblin' buccaneers!

Arrr, matey! We be in a ruckus in the East, an' 'tis like catchin' a slippery fish with bare hands!

Arrr, matey! This year’s riddle be: be we on the edge o’ a grand sea battle? On Tuesday, a storm o’ fiery missiles rained down on the fine folk o' Israel, sendin' ‘em scuttlin' to their hidey holes! In Lebanon’s plundered lands, families trembled ‘neath the glow o’ warplanes!

"Doug Emhoff be said to have slapped his old flame, claimeth his mateys, arrr! What a scallywag!"

Arrr, matey! Word be blowin' that the Second Gentleman, Doug Emhoff, gave his lass a whack so fierce she twirled like a ship in a storm! After a night of revelry at Cannes, she be cryin’ to her mates, spillin’ the tale. No names be mentioned, lest we draw the Kraken’s ire!

Arrr, Vance be spinnin' yarns 'bout Trump’s sailin' on ObamaCare, claimin' he be the swashbuckler who saved the treasure!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Vance be spoutin' tall tales, sayin' Trump be the hero of Obamacare! He claims the ol' sea dog “saved” it while he was at the helm. A fine jest, if ye ask me! A shipwrecked plan be still adrift, thanks to the Trumpster’s crafty mischief!

Avast! Israel’s got three choices fer dealin' with Iran's jab—let's chart a course fer the best one, savvy?

Arrr, matey! That Tuesday saw them Iranian scallywags launchin' missiles at Israel, shakin' the seas of the Middle East! Aye, we be nearer to a great world tussle than a drunken pirate at a tavern! I was yappin’ on the telly when the cannons roared...

"Avast! Let the Jolly Israel hoist the sails and conquer the scallywags of Iran who started this ruckus!"

Arrr matey! Yesternight, 180 cannonballs fell like rain upon Israel, scarin’ the landlubbers into their holes and takin' one poor soul from Palestine, yet missin’ the ships o’ war! Israel be vowin' revenge, while the White House be spoutin' threats. How this squabble ends? Even the crabs can’t tell!

Arrr, Israel be shiverin' timbers at Iran with nuclear might! A scallywag power no ship should allow, matey!

Arrr, matey! Word be out that Iran's let loose a storm of cannonballs aimed at Israel's deck! This scallywag brawl be reachin' perilous heights! No nation worth its salt can abide a foe with a barrel o’ nuclear thunder and a penchant for hurlin’ missiles. Avast, the seas be churnin’!

Arrr! Biden’s old haunts be a battleground, swarmin’ with swabs o’ purple votes, savvy? A right merry ruckus!

Arrr, matey! In the fair land of Lackawanna, once a Democratic treasure chest, the scallywags whisper it be more of a purple patch! Folks be shakin’ in their boots, lest they face the wrath of the crew for speakin’ their minds. Aye, this election be a raucous rumble, I tell ye!

Arrr! Newsom be signin' a treasure map fer makin' babes, all on the coin o' the landlubbers!

Arrr, mateys! Governor Newsom be scribblin’ his mark upon a parchment, demandin’ insurance coverin’ nine million souls to aid in makin’ wee ones! He broadens the definition of infertility, includin’ all hands on deck, even the swabbies of the LGBTQ+ crew! Aye, 'tis a fine day fer dreamin’ o’ little scallywags!

"Arrr! Walz be spoutin' tall tales 'bout his phantom baby watchin' plan for 2025, ho ho! What a scallywag!"

Arrr, matey! Tim Walz, that scallywag, be spoutin' tall tales ‘bout Project 2025, claimin’ it tracks every lass's bun in the oven! While the conservative crew be wantin' to report lost cargo, they ain't keepin' tabs on all pregnancies. Blimey, what a jolly misunderstanding!

Arrr! Ukraine's holy folk be split like treasure maps, all a'tizzy over them pesky Russian ties, matey!

Arrr matey! The Ukrainian law shuttin' the Moscow Patriarchate be stirrin' a tempest o' queries 'bout the Orthodox faith, national pride, and trickery. The church be swappin’ its holy robes fer a political riggin', just like in them Soviet days, filled with shifty tales and devilry! Aye!

Arrr! The lawmen be ponderin’ the old tale of the Tulsa ruckus from 1921—first time they be reckonin’ it!

Avast ye! The Cold Case Crew of the Civil Rights Division be settin’ sail after a century's slumber! A white mob besieged the fine Black folk of Tulsa, leavin' naught but ruin in their wake. The DOJ be finally takin’ a gander at this 1921 ruckus, led by lass Kristen Clarke! Arrr!

October 1, 2024

"Arrr, 15 queries fer Walz in the grand VP skirmish, matey! Let the jests and jibes commence!"

Arrr matey! The bias of them ABC debate scallywags against Captain Trump be clearer than a siren’s song! Even the jesters on “SNL” took a jab, with Andrew Dismukes, fancy as a parrot, saying, “I wished me handsomeness stole the show, but alas, 'twas me bias instead, savvy?”

"Arrr, the posh lads o' the scholarly seas who can't decipher a scroll to save their scallywag souls!"

Arrr, matey! Nicholas Dames be teachin' the fine arts of Literature at Columbia since the year o' our Lord 1998! He be lovin' the gig, but the scallywags be drownin' in tomes! Aye, they be bewildered by the thought of readin' more than a handful o' scrolls each semester!

Arrr! CBS be settin’ sail with a QR code fer live truth-bustin’ during the vice captain’s squabble!

Ahoy, mateys! CBS News be settin’ sail on a crafty course fer Tuesday’s vice presidential squabble! They be plasterin’ a QR code on the screen fer yer treasure huntin’ pleasure whilst Sen. JD Vance and Gov. Tim Walz duel it out like scallywags in a tavern brawl! Arrr!

"Arrr matey! The Israel sea dogs claim them missiles be flyin' from Iran to their shores! Avast, what a hullabaloo!"

Arrr! The scurvy dogs o' Iran be hurlin' a cannonade o' over a hundred fireballs at Israel's shores! Sirens be blarin' in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, makin' folks jump like fish outta water! This be a mightier ruckus than last April, I tells ye! Avast, me hearties!

Arrr! Scallywag claims innocence after tryin' to send Trump to Davy Jones' locker! What a jolly jest!

Arrr, matey! In the fair land o’ West Palm Beach, a scallywag named Ryan Routh be plead’n not guilty to tryin’ to put a cap’n in Trump’s crow’s nest! With a rifle and all, he be awaitin’ his fate behind bars. A fine mess that be, fer sure!

Arrr, California be tossin' legacy admissions overboard at them fancy colleges—no more treasure maps for the spawn of scallywags!

Arrr, matey! The fair state o' California hath cast aside the wicked practice o' lettin' scallywags in 'cause their kin be rich or have trod the hallowed halls! Now, all hands will be judged on their own merit, not the gold coins in their family’s treasure chest! Ha-ha!

Arrr, the White House be thinkin’ Iran be loadin’ their cannons for a right jolly missile party a’gainst Israel!

Arrr! The scallywags in Iran be readyin' to unleash a cannonade o' ballistics upon Israel, warned the White House! They be all a-quakin' in their boots, preparin' for a rowdy skirmish in the seas o' conflict! The Yanks be standin' by with their cannons polished and ready!

Arrr! California be tossin’ the voter ID rules overboard, lettin’ scallywags vote with nary a care, matey!

Ahoy, mateys! Yer local gub'ment in California be forbidden from makin' ye show yer face on a piece o' paper t' cast yer vote, thanks to a new decree by Cap'n Gavin Newsom. Aye, that scallywag Dave Min be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst them pesky photo ID rules! Arrr!

Arrr, 'tis said near half o' the young scallywags wish TikTok be sent to Davy Jones' locker!

Arrr, matey! A goodly half o' the Gen Z scallywags be wishin' TikTok was naught but a mirage o' the sea! Jonathan Haidt, a clever landlubber, be layin' down the law: no shiny gadgets before high school, keep the seas o' social media clear till 16, and let 'em play like true pirates!

Arrr, matey! New York’s ballot be lookin’ to lock in the left’s swashbucklin’ social shenanigans in the ol’ constitution!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags in New York be usin’ the hullabaloo ‘round abortion to craft a grand amendment! They call it Proposal 1, a fancy way to hoist the sails for equal rights fer all sorts o’ folks, includin’ those who be swimmin’ in murky waters! Avast, me hearties!

Arrr! Epic Games be clashin' swords with Google over them fancy Samsung settings, like scallywags fightin' fer treasure!

Arrr, matey! Epic Games be settin' sail fer legal waters, accusin' Google and Samsung of conpirin' like scallywags to sink rival app ships! They be hidin' treasure maps in default settings, tryin' to keep the booty all fer themselves. And last year, they bested 'em in a mighty duel!

"Arrr! How fair maidens cast their spell, ensnaring the right folk like fish to a baited hook!"

Arrr, it all set sail with Sydney Sweeney’s bounteous bosom! In March, that fair lass hosted Saturday Night Live, flaunting her treasures whilst jesting about her figure. Even the scallywag Bowen Yang spilled the beans, sayin' she be coaxin' all hands to make merry jests about her curves! Haaar!

September 30, 2024

Arrr, matey! What be the ruckus now that Israel’s taken down the big cheese of Hezbollah? Shiver me timbers!

Arrr! With Israel givin' the ol' heave-ho to Hezbollah’s captain, Hassan Nasrallah, the seas of the Middle East be all a-tumblin'! Will it calm the waters or unleash a tempest? Methinks the scribes be bickerin' over whether lopping off a head really changes the tide. But Israel be swingin' harder than a ship in a squall!

"Avast, me hearties! Here be what savvy black mates should ponder 'fore the Vice Captain's squabble!"

Avast ye! On the first of October, Governor Tim Walz from Minnesota and Senator JD Vance of Ohio shall clash like two scallywags in a tavern brawl! Hosted by CBS in the bustling streets of New York, the fair maidens Norah and Margaret be settin’ the stage for this grand spectacle at the stroke of nine! Don’t miss it, mateys!

Arrr! The UN be makin' a swashbucklin' pact fer the future, settin' sail fer a whole new world o' order!

Arrr, matey! While ye landlubbers were chattin' 'bout Trump and Kamala, the scallywags at the UN snuck in a "Pact for the Future," settlin' the stage for a new world order! Aye, the global elites be laughin' while the press be sleepin'! Yarr, what a fine jest!

Arrr! Trump be pointin’ fingers at Biden for hoardin’ storm booty he himself be keepin’ from the poor souls!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump, who be withholdin' aid to Puerto Rico ‘n threatenin’ California’s flames, be blamin’ Biden for lettin' the poor souls in North Carolina and Georgia drown in Hurricane Helene’s fury! Aye, the pot be callin’ the kettle black, I say! Har har har!

"Aye, matey! The sole worthy captain fer our ship o' state be the true heart of the sea!"

Arrr, matey! 'Tis a tough time to find a scallywag less fit fer the captain’s chair than Donald Trump! He be as morally lost as a ship in a fog, lackin’ wisdom, honesty, and all the fine traits needed to steer this vessel straight! Blimey, what a jolly mess!

Arrr! The New York Times be settin' sail fer Kamala without a word from her lips, callin' Trump a scallywag unfit!

Arrr, matey! The New York Times crew be shoutin’ for Vice President Kamala Harris as the “only true patriot,” while callin’ ol' Captain Trump unworthy of a captain’s hat! With but 30 days ‘til the great election duel, the sea be choppy for the White House spoils! Yarrr!

Arrr, the New York Times be sayin’ Harris be the only true sea dog fer the captain's chair! Har har!

Avast, mateys! The New York Times crew be throwin’ their lot with Vice President Harris to sail into the presidency this fall, settin’ their sights on the scurvy dog Trump! They say he’s as unfit as a landlubber for the captain's chair, all self-interest and no honor! Arrr!

Arrr! Netflix be sinkin’ like a scallywag’s ship after the co-captain tossed $7M to the landlubber Harris!

Arrr, matey! Netflix be losin' shiploads o' subscribers when ol' Reed Hastings tossed $7 million into Kamala Harris' treasure chest! The cancelations soared higher than a crow's nest after the news spread, as Trump’s crew urged landlubbers to abandon ship! Aye, ’tis a jolly hullabaloo!

Arrr, the Southeast be a-shiverin’ like a scallywag after a stormy squall named Helene!

Arrr, matey! Hurricane Helene be a tempestuous terror, claimin’ 64 souls, includin’ wee twins and their young lass of a mother! The winds be howlin’ like a banshee, remindin’ us that climate be playin’ tricks on us salty sea dogs. Aye, ‘tis a stormy tale for the ages!

Arrr, matey! Canada be shuttin' down blunderbusses, yet can’t catch 'em like a fish in a bucket!

Arrr, on the first o' May, two-thousand and twenty, the Canadian seadogs decided to toss 1,500 iron cannons overboard! They laid a plan to snatch back the weapons, all 'cause a scallywag dressed as a Mountie turned the seas red. Aye, a right ruckus, that be!

Arrr, Russia sinks 125 pesky Ukrainian flying contraptions, but alas, a landlubber's flat in Voronezh caught the brunt!

Arrr, matey! The wily Russian sea lords be claimin’ they shot down a fleet o’ 125 pesky Ukrainian flying contraptions! But alas, a poor landlubber’s flat be hit in Voronezh! In Belgorod, one soul met Davy Jones, while eight others got a right scare! Avast, what a ruckus on the high seas!

"Blimey! A fiery ruckus at the Georgia treasure hold sends the landlubbers packin' quick-smart!"

Arrr, me hearties! A wee sprinkler gone rogue spilled water on a fiery potion, causin’ a plume and a roof to dance with flames! The good folk of northern Rockdale be told to hunker down or scuttle away, but even the sheriff's matey be unsure how many scallywags fled!

September 29, 2024

"Arrr! The phantom of the Polish Yanks' vote be but a trick o' the light, matey!"

Arrr, matey! In an election as close as a sailor’s last grog, both crews be scouring the seas fer every last vote. Kamala herself be charm’n the 800,000 Polish American scallywags in Pennsylvania, talkin' 'bout defendin' Ukraine like it be her prized treasure!

"Arrr, matey! Polish-Americans be holdin' the treasure map to swayin' the election, savvy?"

Ahoy, mateys! As the presidential squabble brews, both Kamala and the Trumpster be battlin’ for the hearts of the Polish American crew. Harris be bankin' on their Russia grudge, while Trump be swayin' like a ship in a storm. Last week, the Democrats hoisted the sails for a grand call! Arrr!

"Be there truly a Polish matey castin' ballots, or be it just a tall tale o’ the sea?"

Arrr, matey! In this here ruckus of a presidential squabble, the scallywags be beggin’ for the fickle voters of the Rusty Belt! Kamala, in a twist, be callin’ on the Polish crew! “Why not chat with the 800,000 Poles?” she says, like a parrot with a treasure map!

Arrr, as Tim Walz sails into the vice debate, his belly’s shakin’ like a ship in a storm!

Arrr, matey! Tim Walz be shakin’ in his boots ‘bout facin’ JD Vance, just like that fateful Sunday in August when he told Kamala she’d best beware his jabberin’. Rumor has it, he’s quakin’ even more now! The pressure be on, fer this be the grand finale before the big day!

September 28, 2024

Arrr! The scallywag Hassan Nasrallah met his fate in Davy Jones' locker thanks to a cheeky Israeli cannonade!

Arrr! The fearsome captain Nasrallah met his end in a fiery sky raid by them Israeli buccaneers, as confirmed by his scallywags in Beirut! Why should ye care? He was the mightiest swab in Lebanon, a grand puppet in the Middle East, and tight with ol' Iran, savvy?

Arrr! Israeli cannon fire sent that scallywag Nasrallah to Davy Jones’ locker in Beirut, or so they say!

Arrr, me hearties! The Israeli lads be claimin' that old Hassan Nasrallah, the scallywag of Hezbollah, met his maker in a ruckus at their lair! Captain Halevi be sayin', "We ain't outta tricks yet! Any landlubber threatenin' Israel best watch their backs, or they’ll be joinin' Nasrallah at Davy Jones' locker!”

September 27, 2024

“X be cuttin’ ties to a hacked treasure map of JD Vance, thinkin’ it’s part of Iran’s dastardly plunder—bans the scribe!”

Arrr! The scallywags at X be shuttin' down a journalistic treasure map, claimin' it be linkin' to a dubious dossier 'bout JD Vance, said to be swiped by the crafty Iranians! And that Ken Klippenstein be walkin' the plank too! When ye search, it be sayin', “try lookin' elsewhere!” Har har!

Harris be no landlubber, matey! She turned her back on the teleprompter like a true scallywag! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! The tale be spun that Vice President Kamala Harris be readin' from a magic scroll during her chat with the fair Oprah! Aye, in a jolly clip, she be laughin’ and shakin’ hands, whilst words be scrollin’ like a treasure map behind her! Avast, the scandal!

"Avast! A mighty storm named Helene be claimin' at least 22 souls in the Southeast! Arrr, what a calamity!"

Arrr, matey! Helene be a ragin’ tempest, sweepin’ through the panhandle like a scallywag on a spree! She knocked out lights for millions and sent 22 souls to Davy Jones’ locker. Trees be uprooted, houses swallowed whole, and rain fell like a cursed treasure from the heavens! Aye, a wild ride indeed!

Arrr! Three scallywag Iranians be charged for plundering the Trump ship o' campaign! Avast, the digital seas be treacherous!

Arrr, three scallywags from Iran be caught red-handed, tryin’ to set sail on Trump’s 2024 campaign! They be charged with plunderin' a protected treasure chest o' secrets, fraud, and identity thievery. The FBI be huntin’ ‘em like a ship on the horizon—shiver me timbers!

Arrr, matey! Swabbin' the decks of fraud with fancy machines ‘fore we settle the score with a hearty vote!

Ahoy mateys! Newsmax and that scallywag Smartmatic be makin' peace over a defamation squabble just as the jury was settin’ sail! They struck a deal quicker than a crow’s nest spy, keepin’ the treasure of details under lock and key. So raise a glass to quiet seas! Arrr!

Arrr! Smartmatic and Newsmax be makin' peace over their squabble ‘bout the 2020 treasure map, aye!

Arrr, me hearties! Smartmatic and that scallywag Newsmax be settlin' their squabble ‘fore the gavel could drop! They be keepin' the details tighter than a treasure map, all while the jury be gatherin’ like gulls round a shipwreck. Aye, dodged a cannonball there!

Arrr, matey! Even the scallywags be bandin' together against Trump’s ghostly foes on this cursed media sea!

Arrr, meet Wild Mother, a lass named Desirée, dwellin' high in the Colorado peaks, spoutin' wellness tales to 80,000 landlubbers while raisin’ her wee lass. She be rootin' for Trump, savvy? Meanwhile, 70 leagues south, Camille be fightin' for equality with a crew of rescue pups, votin' Democrat fer ages! Two ships passin' in the night, they be!

Arrr! The fair wench Dame Maggie Smith has sailed to Davy Jones' locker at the ripe age of 89!

Arrr, me hearties! The fine thespian Dame Maggie Smith, aged 89, has sailed away to Davy Jones’ locker! This lass, famed for her wizardry in Harry Potter and posh Downton, snagged two shiny Oscars and eight Baftas! Now who’ll wear the pointed hat with such sass? Avast!

September 26, 2024

Arrr! Kamala be holdin’ a wobbly lead in the tossin’ seas o’ 2024—’tis a right tight race, matey!

Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala Harris be makin’ Trump’s treasure maps look like tattered sails! In the battlegrounds, she be a-sailin’ ahead by a fair compass, leadin’ in lands like Nevada and Pennsylvania. The election be approachin’, and it seems the winds be favorin’ the lass!

Arrr! Biden be tellin' the Pentagon to pillage the Ukraine treasure chest, while Trump and Zelensky’s ship be sinkin'!

Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be shoutin' from the White House, sayin' he’ll spend all the treasure for Ukraine 'fore he sails away, lest Trump hoists his flag again! With Zelensky by his side, they be schemin' to turn the tide in this salty sea of war! Yarrr!

"Zelensky be hoistin' the jolly roger for missile mayhem, tryin' to win the scallywags of the GOP!"

Arrr, in the grand halls of Washington, Captain Zelensky be seekin' permission to unleash cannonballs from afar upon the scallywags of Russia! He be thankin' the good folk o' the U.S. for their booty, and tryin' to mend fences with them landlubber Republicans 'fore the elections be settin' sail!

"Arrr! California be settin' sail to say sorry fer bein' in cahoots with the shackles, ye scallywags!"

Arrr, matey! California be sendin' forth an apology fer bein' in cahoots with slavery back in the 19th century and makin' life tough fer Black buccaneers! The good Gov. Newsom be signin' new laws to right the ship o' past wrongs. Aye, better late than never, says I!

"Arrr! That scallywag mayor be sayin' Trump’s tales o' migrants be as true as a three-legged parrot!"

Arrr, in Aurora, where the mayor be a Republican scallywag, he be thinkin’ that Trump be blowin' hot air ‘bout visitin' their mountain cove. “I reckon he won’t show, savvy?” said Mike Coffman, fer we be no battleground and the wind be blowin' in another direction! Ha-ha!

Arrr! Ken Paxton be seekin’ the court’s favor to scuttle the State Fair’s new gun ban, savvy?

Arrr, Attorney General Ken Paxton be settin' sail fer another grand tussle 'gainst the fair's rule, keepin' the scallywags from packin' heat! He be petitionin' the Texas Supreme Court, challengein' them judges like a true buccaneer! But alas, the winds be blowin' against him, matey!

Arrr, the Secret Service be as useful as a leaky cannon, lettin' a scallywag take aim at Captain Trump!

Arrr, mateys! The local scallywags o’ law enforcement be spillin’ the beans! At Trump’s grand shindig in Butler, the Secret Service forgot to ask ‘em to guard the roof where a scoundrel took aim at the big cheese. One officer be sayin’ they had not enough hands on deck for such a hullabaloo!

Arrr! The court be demandin’ the EPA reckon with how fluoride be makin' landlubbers dumber in their grog!

Arrr, mateys! A landlubber judge be commandin’ the EPA to ponder the foul effects of fluoride on a sailor's smarts! Judge Chen, a right honorable scallywag, be sayin’ there’s too much risk in our grog! Avast, let’s hoist the sails on this water trouble!

"Beware the tempestuous Trump, sayin’ he be a merry rogue, but savvy mates, he’s a slippery sea serpent!"

Arrr, matey! In the grand game o’ elections, it be harder than findin’ a buried treasure to trust a scallywag's word! With the seas of politics all stormy, even the crew be doubtin’ the other side’s tales. But ‘tis curious when even his own shipmates be callin’ out Captain Trump’s character! Blimey!

Arrr! Israel scoffs at calls fer peace, while the IDF sharpens cutlasses fer a raucous romp in Lebanon!

Arrr! After nearly a year o' swashing swords 'twixt Israel and Hezbollah, the yonder U.S. be callin' for a three-week truce. But Captain Netanyahu be sayin', "Nay, we’ll keep fightin’!" Meanwhile, President Biden be tellin' folks, “We got Europe and Arab mates on our side, best not let this scuffle blow up!”

Arrr, Israel be tossin' the US ceasefire offer overboard like a moldy biscuit! Aye, what a jolly ruckus!

Arrr, matey! Israel be tossin' aside peace like a moldy biscuit, defyin' even the big ol' U.S. callin' for a truce! Warbirds be rainin' fire 'round Beirut, while the landlubbers be pretendin’ to invade. It be a right ruckus, with Hezbollah shakin' in their boots like scallywags!

Arrr, Congress be settin' sail with a bill to keep the ship afloat ‘til election day, sendin’ it to Captain Biden!

Arrr, mateys! Congress be settin’ sail on a treasure of funds to keep the government afloat, after them House scallywags tossed Trump’s fancy demand fer proof o’ citizenship like a rotten fish! The Senate be givin’ it the ol’ thumbs up, while some landlubbers be grumblin’. Avast, what a merry crew!

September 25, 2024

"Arrr! A Jolly Scroll of Mischief Leading to the Mayor's Shiverin' Shackles!"

Arrr, me hearties! The tale be told of Mayor Eric Adams, caught in a tempest o' corruption! Rumors swirl he be chumming with the Turkish scallywags for gold doubloons! And whispers say he be pushin’ fire lords to green-light a tall ship, er, high-rise, ‘gainst safety be damned! Aye, what a jolly mess!

Arrr! Mayor Adams of New York be set to walk the plank o' justice with a heap o' criminal charges!

Arrr, me hearties! On the morrow, them scallywags in Manhattan be layin' charges upon Mayor Adams, the captain of New York’s ship! He be sayin’, "I knew I’d be a target fer standin' tall fer me crew! If they be accusin' me, I be as innocent as a parrot on me shoulder!"

Arrr! Eric Adams, the first mayor of NYC to face the grand jury's wrath! Even the seas be shakin'!

Arrr! Mayor Eric Adams be caught in a stormy sea o’ trouble, indicted by a grand jury fer some shady dealings! Come Thursday, the scallywag’s fate be revealed by the US Attorney. He be givin’ himself up next week, claimin’, “I thought I could outsmart the tide!” Ha!

Arrr! AOC be callin' fer Mayor Adams to walk the plank 'cause o' some scallywag Democrat shenanigans!

Arrr! A congress lass from New York, known fer givin' the ol' heave-ho to her own crew, be demandin' that Mayor Adams walk the plank! After a fleet o' raids on his mates, she says, "How can the cap'n keep navigatin' New York's waters?" Har har!

Arrr! Here be the lowdown on Hezbollah's fightin' prowess—more cannons than a sea dog at a rum fest!

Ahoy, mateys! Israel be givin’ Hezbollah a right good thumpin’, but the size o’ the blow be as murky as a foggy night. This here scallywag keeps its cannonry close to the vest, with Iran bein’ the crafty parrot squawkin’ in its ear! Avast, let’s peer into their battle might!

"Avast! Rumor be flyin’ that Russia be buildin’ sneaky war drones with China, savvy? Arrr, matey!"

Arrr, matey! Russia be cookin' up a scheme with China, conjurin' long-range flying contraptions to rain down mischief on Ukraine. They be callin' their beastie the Garpiya-3, crafted by crafty hands. Aye, the seas of war be gettin' rowdy, savvy?

Arrr! The court says no doubloons from foreign seas fer Ohio's ballot battles, at least fer now, matey!

Arrr, matey! If ye be seekin’ a jest, let me spin ye a yarn: Why did the parrot join the crew? To squawk “Polly wants a cracker!” and steal all me rum! Har har! Life on the high seas be a barrel o’ laughs, but I’ll be keepin’ me grog, savvy?

Arrr, a band o’ Haitian mates in Springfield be tossin’ criminal charges at Trump and Vance! Avast, me hearties!

Arrr! The captain o’ the Haitian crew be hoistin’ the Jolly Roger against that scallywag Trump and his matey Vance! They be blamin’ ‘em for the ruckus in Springfield since the rogue spread tall tales ‘bout honest pirates—err, immigrants! After the local landlubber did naught, they be takin’ matters into their own hands!

"Arrr! Cannonballs flyin' at Kamala's treasure chest in Arizona! Coppers be investigatin'—a right ruckus, I say!"

Arrr, matey! Bullets flew at Vice President Kamala’s lair in Arizona, just after a scallywag tried for Trump’s head again! The DNC's den be all shot up, but fear not, no souls were inside during the witching hour. Aye, it be a strange tide we sail upon!

Arrr, be Mark Robinson the scallywag to send Trump’s ship a-sinking in North Carolina’s stormy seas? Har har!

Avast, mateys! Captain Trump sailed his flying beast to Asheboro’s lush hills come August's end, after a scallywag aimed cannon fire at him! His grand ship, Trump Force One, soared above cheerin’ crew. With a MAGA tricorn and a hearty fist pump, he crooned to the crowd, shoutin’ praise for the local swashbuckler!

Arrr, the Senate be spillin’ the beans on the Secret Service's blunders keepin’ Trump safe from the scallywags!

Arrr, matey! The Senate crew be spoutin’ a fierce tale 'bout the Secret Service’s blunders at the Trump shindig in Butler! They had chances aplenty to thwart the shootin’, but instead, let chaos reign! Aye, the report be callin' it a right scallywag mess, all due to poor chatter 'mongst the crew!

"Avast ye! What treasure lies in the balance fer those dependin' on the gold of Social Security this election?"

Arrr, matey! Social Security be the treasure chest for many a retired soul, but alas, it be sinkin’ faster than a leaky ship! Both Captain Harris and Cap’n Trump swear they got a map to fix it, but time be slippin’ away like rum in a storm!

"Arrr! A mighty swell o' scallywags be gettin' tangled in the nets of this cursed social media, says the wise sages!"

Ahoy mateys! A grand survey o' nearly 280,000 young scallywags reveals a spike in troublesome social media frolickin' since the plague hit! From 7% to 11%, these rascals be more hooked than a fish on a line! England, Scotland, and Wales be chartin' the course fer trouble!

Arrr, can Trump turn them union scallywags to his cause, or be they too salty for his charm?

Arrr, the brawny union captain, with the manners of a barnacle and a tongue like a cannon, be a rare breed indeed! In this land o' soft words and polished boots, he be likin' a ghost from the days of yore. Sean O’Brien be a relic, shoutin’ praises for the Donald like a true sea dog!

Arrr! Scallywag spawn o' a would-be Trump killer nabbed fer hoardin' a treasure trove o' wretched filth!

Arrr, matey! The lad spawnin' from Ryan Routh be caught red-handed hoardin’ a treasure map o’ wickedness! As the lawmen ransacked his quarters in Guilford, they stumbled upon more mischief than a buccaneer’s chest! “Blimey!” he be sayin’, “I despise this cursed game every four years!”

Arrr, matey! Let’s shiver me timbers and toss sports betting overboard—‘tis a treacherous sea of ill-fated doubloons!

Arrr, mateys! A wise seadog be claimin’ them states that let ye wager on sportin’ should hoist the anchor and ban it again! Since 2012, the scallywags be bettin’ a cool billion a month, but all it brought be shipwrecked wallets and stormy homes! Aye, not a treasure in taxes, either!

September 24, 2024

Arrr, Gavin the Governor be makin' 't illegal for scallywags to squawk on their magic pocket boxes in schools!

Ahoy, mateys! The good Captain Newsom be sayin' no more cell phone hijinks in California’s schools, lest ye be walkin’ the plank! Aye, the law be signed, and those rascally young scallywags must stow their smartphones while learnin' the ropes. Arrr, let the swashbucklin’ education commence!

Arrr, matey! FBI's nabbed the lad spawn of a scallywag, caught hoardin' naughty images! Avast, what a shiverin' tale!

Arrr, matey! Word be blowin' that the spawn of a scallywag suspected of tryin' to off ol' Trump has been nabbed for hoardin' vile images of a most wicked sort! It seems the lad’s treasure trove be full o' filth, much to the chagrin of the law!

Arrr! Musk's X and Durov’s Telegram be hoistin’ the white flag on their "free speech" bluster!

Arrr, matey! Elon’s X be swabbin’ the deck after Brazil’s court gave ‘em a stern talkin’ to, while Pavel’s Telegram be takin’ a similar course, lest they walk the plank! Turns out, even the fiercest buccaneers must heed the law o’ the land to keep their treasure safe!

Avast! Scallywags be claimin' Initiative 2117 be sinkin’ our treasure for transport! Arrr, what a jest!

Arrr, me hearties! A fresh scroll from Greenline Insights be makin' a ruckus! If Initiative 2117 gets the thumbs down, the treasure chest be lighter by $3.9 billion by 2029! No shiny doubloons for transit, fishy safety, or makin' the air less stinky! Blimey, what a pickle!

"Arrr, the Pentagon's tossin' more scallywags to the Middle East as tempers flare like a cannonball!"

Arrr, matey! The Pentagon be sendin' more scallywags to the Middle East as tempers flare hotter than a cannonball! After them Israeli airstrikes took down 350 souls in Lebanon, a few dozen brave lads be settin' sail to guard their fellow countrymen. But shiver me timbers, the General's keepin' the numbers close to his chest!

Arrr! Harris and Trump’s treasure maps be splittin’ the crew o’ voters and sea-weathered economists alike!

Arrr matey! A ruckus brews in this election sea, with voters on one side and economists on the other! The scallywags Harris and Trump be singin’ sweet tunes to the masses, while the learned blokes be clutchin’ their pearls in horror. Aye, 79% be cheerin’ for no tax on tips!

Arrr! Captain Zelensky be hatchin' a grand scheme for Ukraine’s glorious triumph, I tell ye! Avast, victory awaits!

Arrr, the fine chamber where Captain Zelensky be plotting with his mates be a dark nook, no portholes to see the sky! A grand table be takin' up most space, with shadowy screens a'glowin'. As I lounged, awaitin' his presence, I heard his voice, smooth as rum, before he swaggered in, clad in his trusty black garb!

Arrr, Zelensky be craftin' a peace chart just fer Trump, like a parrot teachin' a landlubber to squawk!

Arrr, matey! ‘Tis rare for Captain Volodymyr to be as silent as a ghost ship! From jester to ruler, he’s now tighter-lipped than a clam at high tide. Rumor has it he’s brewing a cunning plan for the Yanks, but shiver me timbers, he’s keepin’ it under wraps!

Arrr! Key Nebraska matey be sayin' "Nay!" to Trump’s scheme fer changin' how we be awardin' those precious electoral doubloons!

Arrr, a scallywag from Nebraska be standin' firm against swappin' how they be divvyin' up them electoral doubloons! Trump and his mateys be hopin' for a sneaky haul of an extra vote, but this landlubber be sayin', "Nay, ye won’t be plunderin' our system!" Yarrr!

Arrr! Trump be blastin' a scallywag senator who kept Nebraska's vote as stuck as barnacles on a ship's hull!

Arrr, me hearties! Trump be callin' Sen. McDonnell a "Grandstander!" fer not lettin' the good ship Electoral College sail in his favor! What be this scallywag thinkin'? Standin’ in the way of a grand victory be like makin’ a parrot walk the plank! Aye, what a comical crew!

Arrr! Trump be sayin' he’ll slap a doubloon tax on John Deere if they be settin' sail for Mexico!

Arrr! On the high seas of politics, Captain Trump be shoutin' that if John Deere be settin' sail to Mexico, he’ll hoist a 200% tariff on their fine goods! Aye, that be a hefty price for abandonin' the ship! So listen well, ye landlubbers!

Arrr, Ken Paxton be takin' on the federal scallywags fer messin' with Texas’ oil 'cause of a lizard!

Arrr, matey! Texas' Attorney General Ken Paxton be settin’ sail against the Biden crew, takin’ umbrage at their fancy labelin’ of a wee lizard, barely three inches long, as endangered. This scaly rascal be loungin’ in the oil-rich sands of Texas! A true treasure, aye!

September 23, 2024

Arrr, California's lawman be takin' ExxonMobil to court 'bout their plastic treasure trove! Aye, what a jolly mess!

Arrr, matey! In yon land of the U.S., a mere 5% o' single-use plastic finds its way back to Davy Jones' locker! California’s bravest, AG Rob Bonta, be takin' ExxonMobil to task fer bein' a scallywag in the great plastic mess! Aye, a tale of deceit so tall, it’d make a landlubber blush!

Arrr, the mayor o' Aurora be wantin' Trump to drop anchor, so he can witness the merry chaos firsthand!

Arrr! Captain Trump be swearin' to sail to Aurora, Colorado, claimin' Argentinian scallywags have seized the lodgin's! But the hearty Republican mayor be rollin' out the welcome mat, hopin' to prove it be naught but a fanciful tale! Avast, let the swashbucklin' begin!

"Arrr! Egypt be sendin’ warship goodies to Somalia while the landlubbers bicker like drunken sea dogs!"

Arrr, matey! Egypt be sendin' aid to Somalia, a fine show o' support fer the Horn o' Africa! A shipment's docked in Mogadishu, helpin' our sister nation find peace 'n fightin' off them pesky landlubbers. The Foreign Ministry be chattin' about security 'n unity, savvy?

Arrr, a Venezuelan matron pleads for her lad, snatched in the election storm! Bring him back, ye scallywags!

Arrr, on the high seas of Caracas, young Bleider Leves, a lad of seventeen summers, be snatched by the lawless crew! They laid him low with beatings and jailin’, all without a stitch of reason. Two moons later, still he be locked up, while his mum be wringin' her hands! Avast!

Aye! A matey in fancy garb shot hisself whilst tryin' to impress the scallywags on duty! Har har har!

Arrr, me hearties! A scallywag in fancy duds took a wee jab at himself with his own blunderbuss while on duty! The crew be sayin' it was a secret agent, but nay, just a clumsy matey! No other souls be harmed, just a bit of a ruckus!

"Arrr! Why be them 'Comrade Kamala' jests sailing swift 'mongst Latino scallywags in exile, eh? A right hearty chuckle!"

Arrr, matey! In the land o' swashbucklin' exiles, a curious question be floatin' about: be Kamala Harris a scallywag commie? The scuttlebutt be spreadin’ like wildfire, claimin’ she’s a socialist sorceress! Aye, ‘tis a riddle fueled by fears from those who’ve fled tyrants on the high seas!

"Ahoy, Lebanese mateys! Best ye skedaddle from the cannon’s roar, lest ye join Davy Jones on a missile tour!"

Avast, me hearties! Israel be blastin' 300 targets in Lebanon, seekin' to sink them scallywags’ Russian boom-sticks! Civilians, ye best be runnin' from the blastin' zones! After a weekend of pesky rockets rainin’ down on our fair ports, the skies be chokin’ with cannon fire! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Companies be shiftin' their sails on layoffs—let me spin ye a yarn of why!

Arrr, matey! Companies be shiverin' in their boots 'fore tossin' crew overboard these days! Good tidin's for ye landlubbers, for layin' off be a stormy sea fer yer pocket! The labor market be holdin' steady, unlike when the plague struck and they flung more than 13 million souls to the briny deep!

Arrr, a scallywag swimmer be branded a matey’s chest with a foul mark! The crew be investigatin' this mischief!

Arrr, matey! A rascally lad at Gettysburg College be accused of etchin’ a foul curse upon his swim mate’s chest with a box cutter! The scallywag be gone from the crew, while the poor sod with the mark be docked from swimmin’! A right troublesome tale, I say!

"Swabber who inked a scurrilous mark 'pon matey no longer sails with us: the college be done with him!"

Arrr mateys! A scallywag caught etchin' a foul word on another lad's chest be no longer sailin' the halls of Gettysburg College! Anne Ehrlich, the captain o' campus life, be sendin' word o' the nearing end o' this squabble. Aye, let the winds blow fair!

Arrr! College sea dogs be marooned for etchin' foul words on a matey—what a scallywag blunder! Savvy?

Arrr, matey! Two scallywags from that Gettysburg College swim crew be walkin' the plank after word came that a foul racial mark was etched on a lad’s hide with some sharp tool! The officials be sayin’ it’s a matter of great concern, savvy? The seas of justice be takin’ its course!

"Arrr! Hezbollah be lobbin' iron at Israel, them missles be hittin' Haifa like a rogue wave on me ship!"

Arrr, in the wee hours o' Sunday morn, them scallywags of Hezbollah let loose near 150 fiery cannonballs at northern Israel! Most be caught in the air, savvy? They be claimin' to target the Ramat David airbase, seekin' revenge for some boom-booms blamed on Israel. One rocket gave a wee bit o' mischief!

September 22, 2024

Arrr! Israeli scallywags stormed Al Jazeera's den in the West Bank, makin' it as quiet as a sleeping sea turtle!

Arrr! Israeli mateys be stormin' the Al Jazeera cove in the West Bank, shoutin' for it to be closed fer 45 days! After raiding the treasure trove in East Jerusalem, they be makin’ it clear: no news for ye! Aye, the seas of information be turbulent indeed!

Avast! Israel be givin' Al Jazeera’s West Bank cove a 45-day lockdown—no news sails allowed, matey!

Arrr, matey! The Israeli buccaneers stormed the Al Jazeera den in Ramallah, plundered their shiny gadgets, and shut 'em down for 45 days! They claimed the news scallywags be stirrin' up trouble during a live show! Blimey, who knew news could be such a ruckus?

Arrr! The lawmen stormed the quarters of Commish Donlon, just after Caban jumped ship! What a jolly mess!

Arrr, matey! On Friday, the federal scallywags stormed the abode of Commissioner Donlon, just after his mate Caban was sent to Davy Jones' locker! Donlon be claimin’ they took ol’ trinkets from two decades past, nothin’ to do with his policing shenanigans. A fine mess indeed!

Arrr! That Pennsylvania swab be hollerin' fer unity in huntin' down scallywags tryin' to off the Trump matey!

Avast, matey! Rep. Chrissy Houlahan be sayin’ that it be vital fer the scallywags investigatin’ the attempts on old Trump’s life to sail swift and together! We be needin’ to know what be goin’ on to keep the seas calm and the trust of the good folk intact, arrr!

September 21, 2024

Arrr, matey! That landlubber Republican be claimin’ ‘tis naught but scallywag tales—just tabloid bilge, I say!

Arrr, me hearties! Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson be claimin' he ain't no scallywag in a scandal 'bout naughty scrollin'! He swears he’ll still chase the crown of the Old North State, despite chatters of him bein’ a “black NAZI” and peepin’ on lasses! What a salty tale, indeed!

Arrr, the Republicans be ponderin’ how the North Carolina blast might rock Captain Trump’s ship o’ mischief!

Arrr matey! The scallywags o’ the Republican crew be ponderin’ the storm brewin’ fer Captain Trump, as word sails in ‘bout Lt. Gov. Robinson's scandalous ramblings on a randy website! Aye, ‘tis a jest fit to make a parrot blush! Slavery, ye say? Blimey! What a hullabaloo!

September 20, 2024

Avast! ‘Tis true, matey! Springfield be a bloodier port under Trump than Biden-Harris, arrr!

Avast ye! Sen. JD Vance be catchin’ flack fer spoutin’ tall tales 'bout Haitian scallywags snatchin' up pets in Springfield! Now, he’s tossin' blame at Vice President Kamala Harris, sayin' her crew be causin' all sorts o' mischief. Arrr, blame it on the winds o’ change, I say!

Arrr! Did two lasses meet Davy Jones over Georgia’s belly-aching law? Aye, me hearties, let’s weigh anchor on this tale!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags of the pro-abortion crew and the rumor-mongers be spinning tales anew! They be blamin' a Georgia law for the fates of two lasses, when ‘tis the nasty abortion potion—set loose by the FDA—that led to Amber's misfortune and the remnants of her wee ones!

Arrr, rumor has it, Matt Gaetz be caught at a raucous bash with a lass just shy of bein' a wench!

Arrr, matey! Word be blowin' o' Rep. Matt Gaetz, a scallywag from Florida, struttin' 'bout a soirée with a lass o' seventeen, amidst tales of scandalous shenanigans! ‘Twas said there be powders and potions aplenty, and three landlubbers be spillin’ the beans on this raucous revelry! Avast!

Avast! Biden be blarneyin’ ‘bout not chattin’ with Powell since takin’ the helm – me thinks he’s lost at sea!

Arrr, matey! Captain Biden be spoutin' that he ain't parleyed with his treasure keeper, Powell, since claimin' the throne. But shiver me timbers, that be a tall tale! They crossed swords in May 2022, aye! Now he blabbers 'bout inflation droppin' like a cannonball!

September 19, 2024

Arrr! Biden-Harris matey says he be ordered to stash away the landlubbers, like treasure in Davy Jones' locker!

Avast, me hearties! The landlubber who once guarded a thousand leagues o’ frontier be claimin’ the Biden-Harris crew be hidin’ the truth ‘bout the ruckus o’ migrants! Ex-Captain Heitke be spillin’ the beans to the scallywags in Congress, sayin’ the White House be tryin’ to hush up the whole squall! Arrr!

Arrr! Germany's just cleverin' up them land gates, not battening down the hatches, savvy?

Arrr, matey! The German crew be tightenin' their border sails, but fear not! They ain't battenin' down the hatches fer six moons! Some scallywags be spreadin' tall tales on the Facebook seas. Aye, security’s up, but the borders be still open for business!

Avast! Tim Walz be spoutin' tall tales 'bout Trump’s baby-watchin' contraption! Blimey, what a scallywag!

ARRR, me hearties! The scallywags be sayin' Trump’s conjurin' a crew to spy on all bun in the oven! But nay, that be a fanciful tale spun by Kamala and Tim. Just a jest, like a parrot in a frock, it be! So hoist the sails and ignore the bilge!

Arrr, truth be told, matey! Twelve tall tales spun by the orange scallywag in just a moon's turn!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be spewin’ yarns like a drunken sailor! Not just yer common political bluster, but wild tall tales unmoored from the truth, like a ship lost at sea! His ramblings 'bout immigrants in Springfield be as fishy as a barnacle-covered treasure! Avast, what a rogue!

Nixon be the scallywag who declared war on the herbs, yet whispered, “That green be no fearsome beast!” Arrr!

Arrr, two years aft that scallywag Nixon declared war on the devil's brew, he be spillin’ the beans to his crew in the Oval Office! In March '73, he be admitin’ that Mary Jane ain't no fearsome fiend. Aye, the captain of the ship be shiverin’ in his boots!

Arrr! Medicare be splashin’ more doubloons on landlubbers than on sea-farin’ scallywags, savvy?

Arrr, when scallywags be claimin’ to shut the borders tight, they be squawkin’ ‘bout the gold immigrants be costin’. But blow me down! Recent reckonin’ shows them foreign folks be spendin’ less doubloons on health than landlubbers! Why, they be usin’ Medicaid like it’s grog at a tavern!

Arrr, matey! Iranian scallywags be plunderin’ Trump’s ship, sendin’ booty o’ secrets to Biden’s crew! Avast, what a ruckus!

Avast, me hearties! This summer, sneaky Iranian scallywags plundered secrets from Captain Trump's crew and sent 'em to the Biden buccaneers! The wise folk of the National Intelligence and the FBI be spillin’ the beans. ‘Twas a right ruckus in June and July, I tell ye! Arrr!

"Within the wild shores o' Israel on the seventh day of October, ye'll find jolly adventures await, arrr!"

Arrr, matey! A fleet o' landlubber Jews be settin' sail fer Israel, explorin' the wreckage o' Nova and charred kibbutzim, ponderin' the Oct. 7 attack. While they boost the treasure o' tourism, some scallywags be sayin' it be blindin' 'em to the plight o' Gazans, bombs a-fallin' nearby!

September 18, 2024

Arrr, the scallywags in Iran be tryin’ to swap hacked treasure maps ‘twixt Trump’s crew and Biden’s lot!

Arrr, on the high seas of news, the scurvy dogs o' the FBI be spillin’ the beans! Iran, that crafty sea serpent, be sendin’ stolen treasure from the Trump campaign to Biden’s lot, tryin’ to stir the pot! Emails flyin’ faster than cannonballs, yarr!

Arrr! Justice be afoot! The law be plunderin' a hundred million doubloons from the scallywag who crashed into the Key Bridge!

Arrr, matey! On the morrow, the Justice Department be settin' sail with a lawsuit against the scallywag who ran his vessel into the Francis Scott Key Bridge! They be demandin’ a treasure of $100 million for the bridge's downfall, which sent six poor souls to Davy Jones' locker!

Arrr, the teamsters be sayin’ they won’t back Harris or Trump in the grand 2024 election sea shanty!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags o' the Teamsters be sayin' they won’t be throwin’ their lot with any captain in the 2024 race! No love for the lass Kamala, nor the blaggard Trump! Seems the crew’s got no consensus 'mongst 'em! Avast, what a rumble!

Arrr, the Teamsters be no mates o' the presidential crew, since Trump’s their favored sea captain, savvy?

Arrr, matey! The Brotherhood o' Teamsters be hoistin' no sail for a presidential scallywag this Wednesday! Their secret treasure map o’ votes shows the crew favorin' Trump over the fair lass Harris. First time in thirty moons they be sailin' solo, savvy? A right jolly surprise, it be!

Arrr! Emhoff’s former matey be standin’ up for Harris after Huckabee jabbed at her barren treasure chest!

Arrr! The former missus o' Kamala's mate be swingin' her cutlass once more! After that scallywag Sanders jabbed at our fair Vice President fer lackin' wee ones of her own, Kerstin be rushin’ to her side like a true matey! Aye, the seas be rough with jests!

"Arrr! Hezbollah's gadgets got a tickle from Israel’s sneaky hands, like a treasure map gone awry, matey!"

Arrr, matey! On the morn of Wednesday, news spread o' a devilish plot by Israel, as a thousand pagers o' those scallywags in Hezbollah went kaboom all at once! They be swappin’ their old trinkets, only to find their new toys be dancin’ to the tune of 3:30! Aye!

Arrr! Gold Apollo be claimin’ they ain't the scallywags makin’ them fiery beepers for them Hezbollah swabs!

Avast, mateys! The scallywags at Gold Apollo Co. be pointin' fingers at BAC Consulting, claimin' they be the ones who crafted the cursed pagers what led to a right ruckus in Lebanon! Hsu Kuang, the captain of this ship, be sayin' they handled all the tinkerin'! Arrr!

"Arrr! Fresh kabooms be echoing in Lebanon, as Hezbollah’s trinkets be blowin' up like a three-masted galleon!"

Arrr, me hearties! News be flyin' faster than a cannonball! Rumors from Lebanon speak of blasts a’plenty, not just in the Dahiyeh cove! Looks like them scallywags from Hezbollah be playin’ with mischief devices, not th' usual pagers. Aye, the sea be full of surprises!

Arrr, bigwigs toss the queer scorecard overboard, fearin’ the storm o’ anti-diversity scallywags! Blimey, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, ‘twas over twenty moons past, when hearty lads and lasses o’ the same love be shunned from the military and no land be wedlockin' ‘em. So, a crew o’ rights buccaneers set sail, scorin’ companies on how fair they treat their own mateys!

"Arrr, Black and Decker be sinkin’ their own ship o’ diversity, says the scallywag activist!"

Arrr, mateys! Stanley Black & Decker, them scallywags behind Craftsman and DEWALT, be tossin' their diversity sails overboard! That rogue Robby Starbuck be stirrin' the pot, makin' ‘em fear the plank! They be forgettin’ their DEI treasure map and sailin’ straight for the conservative seas! Avast, what a jest!

“Avast! Hillary be callin’ for the keelhaul o’ landlubbers dabblin’ in propaganda, not just the rascally Russians!”

Arrr, matey! Hillary, the queen of the blame game, be bellowin’ that any scallywag spreadin’ “tall tales” should swing from the yardarm! Seems she’s still sore 'bout that Russian ruckus that gave ol' Trump a lift in the last skirmish. Aye, the seas of politics be a treacherous tide!

"Arrr! Donald Trump lay in landlubber's care, scanty guarded like a treasure map in a tavern, say the scallywags!"

Arrr! The Secret Service be not havin’ a proper scheme to guard Captain Trump at the infirmary post that ruckus in Butler! After the ruckus at his summer shindig, the head honcho walked the plank! Lawmakers be cryin’ for answers whilst a band of scallywags be investigatin’!

September 17, 2024

Arrr! Harris be gabbin' with the Black Journalists' crew—aye, keep yer spyglass ready for the truth, matey!

Arrr! On the morrow, Vice President Kamala Harris be joinin’ a merry band o’ scribes from the National Association of Black Journalists in Philly! At half-past two, she’ll be chattin’ with Gerren, Eugene, and Tonya, shiver me timbers! Let the jolly banter commence! Avast!

Arrr! The scallywags in that British blade brawl be born on these shores, claims the copper! Ha-ha!

Arrr, me hearties! A band o' scallywags clashin' with cutlasses in Southend-on-Sea, they be born o' the very sands! Contrary to the landlubber chatter on the seas of social media, these knaves be locals! Aye, some be wearin' balaclavas while takin' swings at a poor ol' ship's carriage! Ha-ha!

"Brave sea dogs laid the truth upon the fair Kamala, makin' her squirm like a fish outta water!"

Arrr, me hearties! The gall of that landlubber Kamala, claimin’ no brave souls be in battle! But lo and behold, the valiant crew o’ the U.S. Military be ready to set the record straight! Not a single scallywag in combat, eh? Aye, she be talkin’ tall tales, fer sure!

Arrr! Putin be swellin' his ranks by 180,000 scallywags, makin' 1.5 million! The Ukraine fray be livin' large!

Arrr! Ye be needin' a secret code of six characters, mixin’ big ‘n small letters with a number, savvy? Ye must be 18 winters or older to join this crew. Already aboard? Sign in, matey! Click "Create Account" if ye be sure yer info be shipshape, and mind the rules ‘n all that rigmarole!

Arrr, matey! Blimey! Blunderin' pagers be blastin', puttin' heaps o' Hezbollah scallywags in a pickle!

Arrr, matey! On a fateful Tuesday, the pagers of Hezbollah scallywags went boom, injurin' over 2,700 and sendin' eight to Davy Jones’ locker! Seems their shiny new gadgets were cursed, bein’ the work of a mischievous malware! Aye, talk about a real blast of a day!

Avast! Yonder US scallywags say the CIA be no scurvy dogs tryin' to sink Maduro, nothin' but a tall tale!

Arrr, matey! The U.S. be denyin’ Venezuela’s wild tales o’ treachery! They be claimin’ to seek fair winds for democracy, not to sink Maduro’s ship! Meanwhile, ol’ Diosdado be blabberin’ ‘bout a CIA plot like a parrot with a cracked beak! A right jolly mess, I say!

Arrr! The US be sayin’ the CIA ain't schemin’ to send the Venezuelan captain to Davy Jones' locker!

Avast ye! The land o' the free be laughin' at Venezuela's tall tales o' CIA scallywags tryin' to send Maduro to Davy Jones' locker. Three Yanks, two Spaniards, and a Czech were nabbed fer stirrin' up trouble, claimin' the CIA be the captain o' this mischief! Arrr!

"Arrr! Venezuela's nabbed some scallywags, thinkin' to send ol' Maduro to Davy Jones! What folly be this?"

Arrr, matey! The landlubber Diosdado Cabello, claimin’ to be the big cheese in Venezuela, caught three scallywags from the States, sayin’ they aimed to send the ol’ sea dog Maduro to Davy Jones’ locker! Blamin’ the CIA without a scrap o’ proof—talk about a right jolly rum tale!

Arrr, Ukraine be laughin' off claims 'bout that scallywag Trump and his gun-totin' matey! Aye, what a jest!

Arrr, matey! Ukraine be sayin’ Routh ain't no scallywag linked to them dastardly plots against Trump. Last year, this old salt claimed he’d be ready to battle and meet Davy Jones in Ukraine! Aye, he even be film’n tales of independence, but now he’s in the brig! What a laugh!

Arrr, Diddy be nabbed by the landlubbers o' Homeland Security for shenanigans in a hotel! Hoist the anchor!

Arrr, mateys! Troubled sea dog Sean “Diddy” Combs found himself in the clutches of the law at a New York tavern, caught up in a scandal as murky as Davy Jones' locker! The scallywag sailed in, expectin’ a shackle or two, and the federal crew obliged! Har har har!

Arrr! Look sharp, mates! Satellite spyglass reveals the Yanks be fixin' up an ol' war perch fer a tussle with China!

Avast ye! An overgrown patch of sky on yon wee isle, once key to bamboozlin’ the Japs in the big war, be under the U.S. Air Force’s eye again, preparin' fer a tussle with China! Tinian be but a tiny gem in the Pacific’s treasure chest, savvy? Arrr!

Arrr! A Trumpie fleet be blockin' a Biden-Harris ship! Was it a ruckus or just a merry prank?

Arrr, matey! A Texas jury be settin' sail soon to decide if a band of Trumpin' scallywags gave a right fright to Wendy Davis and her crew aboard the Biden-Harris ship. The “Trump Train” be boxin' 'em in fer an hour on the wild Texas seas! The trial be chuggin' on!

September 16, 2024

“Arrr, matey! PolitiFact scribe be spinnin’ tales ‘bout them geese hunters, coverin’ up the ruckus o’ trans shenanigans!”

Arrr matey! A scallywag from the lefty fact-checkin’ crew, PolitiFact, be tryin’ to scuttle The Federalist’s tale o’ Haitian swashbucklers huntin’ geese in Springfield. Loreben Tuquero, the mischief-maker, be known for hidin' far-left shenanigans under a Jolly Roger of whitewashin’. Avast, the sea o’ nonsense be deep!

Avast ye! Be it true that Trump’s foul suspect, Ryan Routh, be shillin’ for BlackRock? Blimey, what a tale!

Arrr, matey! It be lookin' like a second swashbucklin' attempt on Captain Trump’s life in but two moons! Rumors be flyin' faster than cannonballs about scallywag Ryan Routh and his motives. Shots rang out whilst the ol' sea dog was swingin' clubs at Trump National—fear not, he be safe at his treasure trove!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Harris be twisting the truth on the social seas, like a sea serpent in a storm!

Arrr, matey! The @KamalaHQ account be a scallywag of deceit, playin' tricks on the masses! With over 1.3 million landlubbers followin', they be snippin' clips and spreadin' tall tales to poke fun at the former captain, Donald Trump. A merry jester on the high seas of social media, indeed!

Arrr, me hearties! The court be settin' sail to hear TikTok's squabble 'gainst a law makin' 'em part with China!

Arrr, me hearties! On the 16th day o' September, TikTok and its scallywag parent, ByteDance, be settin' sail for a court battle! If they don’t sell their treasure by January 19, 2025, they be walkin' the plank, banished from the seas of mobile apps! Avast, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, matey! Blame the scallywags’ jabberin’ for that second crack at Davy Trump's life, I tells ya!

Arrr, mateys! On the high seas o' politics, a second scallywag tried to send Donald Trump to Davy Jones' locker whilst he be swingin' his clubs! A sharp-eyed Secret Service swab spotted a cannon in the brambles, lettin' loose on the knave! A right frightful tale o’ treachery, indeed!

Arrr, we can't be sailin' this way, matey! 'Tis like tryin' to fish with a wooden leg!

Gail Collins: Avast, Bret! I be itchin' to chat 'bout the grand debate and such political tomfoolery, but first — a wee bit o' attempted murder! Bret Stephens: Aye, this be the wrong kind o' "déjà vu," if ye catch me drift. Gail: 'Tis a dark day when "but first — attempted murder" be the norm. Let’s unfurl this tale, matey!

“Arrr! Another stab in th' dark? We shan't let this scallywag nonsense steer our ship o’ elections!”

Arrr, matey! Violence be no fit cutlass fer the seas of politics in America, yet here we be, squabblin' over another plot to send Trump to Davy Jones' locker whilst he swung his clubs! Fear not, for the scallywag be unscathed, and the tale be only just settin' sail!

Arrr, a bag o' Cheetos be causin' more ruckus in the park than a cannonball in a teacup!

Arrr, ye be thinkin’ a wee bag o' Cheetos be naught but rubbish, eh? But lo! In the depths of Carlsbad Caverns, those crunchy morsels be a feast for tiny critters! Aye, 'tis world-shakin'—mold be sproutin' like treasure on a sunken ship! A snack that be settin' the underworld abuzz!

"Scallywag claims he’s ready to duel and meet Davy Jones in Ukraine—ye be a brave, foolish sea dog!"

Arrr, matey! Ryan Wesley Routh, a scallywag o' 58 summers, found himself in the brig fer plotin' against the ol' captain, Trump! He be shoutin' on the seas of X, ready to sail to Ukraine and meet Davy Jones, fightin' like a true landlubber gone mad! Har har!

"Arrr! A scallywag took aim at a Trumpy golf course! Here be the tale of the knave they suspect!"

Arrr, matey! A scallywag tried to off the cap’n Trump at his golfin’ haven in Palm Beach! They be sayin' the ruffian be Ryan Wesley Routh from Hawaii. The FBI be tight-lipped, but the bushes be holdin’ more than just leaves—mayhap a gun barrel or two! Yarr!

"Arrr, who be this scallywag Ryan Wesley Routh, rumored gunner at the Trump treasure trove of golf!"

Arrr, matey! That scallywag, aged 58, be brandishin’ an AK-47 at Cap’n Trump whilst he swung his clubs! Caught quicker than a fish in a net, he be! The Secret Service fired upon him, thinkin’ he be a menace to the high seas of golf! A right jolly ruckus, I say!

September 15, 2024

Arrr! Trump’s snug as a bug, while a scallywag’s in chains after cannon fire at the golf greens!

Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be safe, though gunfire blazed near his fairway! Secret Service scallywags spied a landlubber with a rifle, but they let loose their own shots. The knave tried to skedaddle, but now he be in irons—his weapon snatched away! Aye, what a ruckus on the greens!

Arrr, the lawmen be snoopin' ‘round a plot to make the orange captain walk the plank in Florida!

Arrr, mateys! The FBI be settin’ sail to West Palm Beach, where an attempted whackin’ of ol’ Trump be afoot! Fear not, fer the former captain be safe after a cannon blast at his golf cove. The Secret Service let fly at the scallywag! Aye, a right ruckus!

Arrr! Trump be safe, sayin’ gunfire be just a raucous parley on the high seas of his campaign!

Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be shiverin’ in his boots as the Secret Service let fly at a scallywag brandishin’ a blunderbuss outside his treasure trove o’ golf! They’ve nabbed the knave, likely up to no good, and not just a rogue with a shiny piece! Avast, what a day!

"Arrr, who be this scallywag Laura Loomer, the far-right matey sailin' the seas with Captain Trump?"

Arrr, five turns o’ the sun ago, Laura Loomer, a fierce lass with a tongue like a cutlass, sought to brand her jolly antics in the realm of political squabblin'. She dubbed her sneaky ambush, “Loomered,” like a pirate plunderin’ treasure! Aye, she be a true swashbuckler of the internet seas!

"Arrr, who be this scallywag Laura Loomer, sailin' with the cap'n of conspiracies, Trump, on the high seas of folly?"

Arrr! The notorious lass Laura Loomer, a right-minded scallywag, be sailin’ alongside Captain Trump, stirrin’ the pot o’ doubt amongst even the most loyal crew! Known for her wild tales 'bout Muslin scallywags and her belief the government be behind the great 9/11 ruckus, she be a fine matey fer trouble!

Arrr, who be this Laura Loomer? Republicans quiver like barnacles, scared her sway over Trump be risin'!

Arrr! Laura Loomer, the so-called “snoopin’ scribe,” be swabbin’ the decks ‘round Trumpy’s ship o’ state! Spotted disembarkin’ his vessel on debate day and lurkin’ in his wake durin’ the rememberin’ of 9/11. Some scallywags be shiverin' in their boots! Aye, she’s a tempestuous lass!

"Arrr! Three landlubbers from the States be toastin' in Congo fer makin' a right mess of a coup, ha-ha!"

Arrr! Three landlubbers from the good ol’ U.S. of A be among 37 scallywags sentenced to meet Davy Jones after a botched coup in Congo! On that fateful day, armed ruffians took over the king's office, but alas, their captain met a swift end. Aye, the Malanga lads and their matey Tyler be in a pickle!

September 13, 2024

Arrr, Pope Francis be sayin’ the U.S. election be like pickin’ the less scallywag o' the crew!

Arrr, me hearties! Pope Francis be sayin’ that ye landlubbers must choose the “lesser scallywag” in the presidential brawl! Aboard his flying ship, he be urging ye to cast yer vote, lest ye be walkin’ the plank of bad decisions! Vote ye must, or face Davy Jones!

Arrr! Pope Francis be sayin’ choose betwixt a scallywag and a landlubber, or ye be walkin’ the plank!

Arrr, me hearties! Pope Francis be sayin’ the U.S. folks be caught between the devil and the deep blue sea in their election! Trump be a scallywag for his anti-migrant ways, and that lass Harris be no angel with her abortion beliefs. Which be the lesser evil? Blimey, I’m stumped!

Arrr! Pope Francis be sayin’ Trump and Harris be scallywags o’ life. Choose ye the lesser cursed matey!

Arrr, the good Pope be throwin' shade at that scallywag Trump and the lady Vice President Harris! He be callin’ their ways against life, sayin’ voters should pick the least cursed soul when castin’ their ballots. Savvy? A right merry election it be!

Arrr, matey! Elon be walkin' the plank again, as Brazil's court snatches $3 million from his treasure chests!

Arrr, matey! The court of Brazil be takin’ three million doubloons from Elon’s ships, X and Starlink! A judge be sayin’ "avast!" to the social media app fer not payin’ its dues and ignorin’ the law. Justice de Moraes and Musk be squabblin’ like scallywags! Har har!

Avast! Scallywags be sendin' threats, makin’ the scholars skedaddle from Springfield, Ohio! Arrr, what a ruckus!

Arrr, matey! Fear be plaguin' yon Ohio town, where Trump be blamin' them Haitian scallywags fer makin' off with furry pets! Schools be shut tight like a treasure chest, and even City Hall be dimmer than a bilge rat’s smile. Avast, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, after the debate, landlubber voters be settlin’ fer Trump, while Nate Silver charts a course to victory, matey!

Arrr, after the ruckus of debate, the landlubbers still be flounderin’! Trump’s charm shone bright, while Kamala managed not to become a stew of gibberish! Polls be sayin’, the scallywag be back to 61% favored fer the treasure of the Electoral College! Avast, the winds of fortune blow his way!

Arrr, Biden donned a Trump hat, and the MAGA crew went madder than a scallywag on a sinking ship!

Ahoy, mateys! Ye be granted passage, so clutch yer quill and read on! At the Shanksville Fire Brigade, the cap'n jested with the crew, snatching a hat as he quipped, “Aye, I be needin' this!” When asked for his mark, he roared, “Nay, but don the hat, ye scallywag!” Aye, laughter be the treasure!

Arrr, Trump be swearin' to hoist the tax flag on overtime high and make it walk the plank!

Arrr, mateys! On this fine Thursday, Captain Trump declared he’d be slashing the tax booty on overtime gold, should he reclaim the captain's chair! He’s already promised to free tips and social security from the taxman’s grasp! Aye, those brave souls workin’ late are true swashbucklers of toil!

Arrr, Laura Loomer be ready to reveal scandalous tales 'bout Marjorie after a Trump mate called her a scallywag!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Laura Loomer be threatenin’ to spill the beans on Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene after she dared to call Loomer’s jibes on Kamala’s heritage “racist”! It all started when Loomer, that cheeky landlubber, said the White House'd smell of curry if Harris took the helm! Har har!

Arrr! Sweden be tossin’ 34,000 doubloons to swabs to skedaddle! A fine bounty fer a swift departure, matey!

Arrr, matey! The Swedish landlubbers be offerin’ wayward souls a hearty sum of 350,000 kronor—‘tis like findin’ treasure—if they scuttle back to their homelands come 2026! The Migration Captain Forssell be chortlin’ ‘bout a grand ol’ change in their sailin’ ways! Har har!

Arrr! Be it true that nine parts of ten o' that scallywag fentanyl be nabbed at the lawful docks, matey?

Arrr, matey! Over 90% o' that scallywag fentanyl be caught at the legal docks, like airports and watchful border gates, say the landlubbers at Homeland Security! AllSides be givin' a nod to Gigafact, a crew o' news brigands debunkin' tall tales. Set yer sails for Wisconsin Watch fer the full yarn!

"Forty-two scallywag Attorneys General be demandin' the Surgeon General's dire warnings on the cursed seas of social media!"

Avast ye! A band o' 42 attorney buccaneers be shiverin' their timbers, demandin' Congress slap Surgeon General warnings on them cursed social media contraptions! They claim it be fightin' a mental health tempest among young scallywags. Aye, they penned a missive to the mighty House Speaker on the 9th day of September! Arrr!

Arrr! Forty-two landlubber attorneys be callin' fer a Surgeon General’s warnin’ on those scallywag social media contraptions!

Arrr matey! ‘Tis a right task to wrangle 42 states into a single chorus! But a band of legal buccaneers be demandin’ Congress to slap warnings on them scallywag social media apps, lest we see our young scalawags lost to addiction and madness. Aye, we all want the wee ones safe!

September 12, 2024

Arrr! Biden be sportin' a Trump cap fer a blink at the 9/11 shindig—what a jolly jest!

Avast ye, mateys! Rumor hath it that Biden be sportin’ a Trump hat fit for a scallywag! "Biden Wears Trumpy Hat," says the post, makin’ us wonder if the seas be truly mad! Aye, the tale's spread like a wild storm, but some landlubbers be doubtin’ its truth! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Kamala's treasure tax be for them makin' over a million doubloons, not for us scallywags!

Arrr, matey! A tale spun on the Threads be sayin’ that the fair Vice President Kamala Harris be raisin’ taxes on long-term treasure, but fear not! Only them with a chest o’ gold totaling a million doubloons or more be feelin’ the pinch. Aye, the middle class be safe!

Arrr! MIT's fresh mateys be less varied, thanks to the high seas of the Supreme Court's folly!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags at the Massachusetts Institute o' Technology be sayin’ their fresh-faced crew be less diverse this year, thanks to the Supreme Court’s decree last summer. Dean Schmill be spillin’ the beans that only 16 outta a hundred be Black, Hispanic, or other fine folk. Avast!

"Arrr! Behold! A chart that shows how the Supreme Court be shakin' up the seas o' affirmative action, matey!"

Arrr, matey! The latest scrolls reveal that since the high court be raisin’ the anchor on affirmative action, Black enrollment be takin’ a nosedive at some fine schools! Some places be seein’ wild ups and downs, while others be sailin’ smoothly. Aye, the seas of education be rough!

Arrr, matey! Harvey Weinstein be facing the gallows again 'neath the New York skies! Avast, what a scallywag!

Arrr, matey! The scallywag Weinstein be in a pickle, charged anew but the details be locked tighter than a treasure chest! The court be buzzin’, but he be missin’, havin' a heart scare fit for a landlubber! His lawyer claims he be still as weak as a shipwrecked sailor!

Ahoy! NYC's top copper be packin' his bags, after the Feds turned his ship upside down! Har har!

Arrr mateys! We be freebooters of truth, unshackled by the scallywags o' the mainstream! While they peddle their divisive drivel and hide the treasure of corruption, we hoist the flag of honest reporting! Join our crew at The Post Millennial, and let’s plunder the seas of political correctness together!

"Arrr! The landlubbers be usin' the crown's might to sink them red-state ballot ships, savvy?"

Ahoy, mateys! This here November, a bounty o' abortion measures be settin' sail on state ballots, tryin' to guard the rights o' fair lasses! But scallywags be stirrin' trouble before the cannon's fired, with legal tricks and threats galore. In Missouri, the landlubber secretary tried to scuttle a measure, yet the court be forced him to hoist it back up!

"Arrr! First matey to stroll the stars, and it be a right jolly success, 'twas! Avast, the heavens be ours!"

Arrr, a wealthy sea dog and a clever tinkerer be the first landlubbers to brave the vast black sea o' stars! Jared and Sarah, clad in fancy suits, took their merry stroll outside the SpaceX ship. "Home be a busy port, but down yonder, Earth be a right bonnie sight!" said Jared, grinning.

Arrr! What treasure be the finest matey to steer the ship o' democracy, savvy? Aye, a jolly rogue with charm!

Arrr, matey! Kamala Harris be lackin’ the needed traits fer a fine captain! Picture a landlubber from a century past, plunderin’ our time. After gaping at them swirling meat logs of gyros, ye tell him ‘bout a rogue sailor runnin’ for the crown, a scallywag with a felon’s mark! "Well, shiver me timbers..."

"That lass be spoutin' the finest tales fer Kamala Harris' stand on the matter of belly burdens, arrr!"

Arrr, the morn after Labor Day, the polls be blarney, with Trump and Harris caught in a scuffle as fierce as a knife fight in a cramped cabin! Young Hadley Duvall be munchin’ her grub in Arizona, lookin’ as calm as a cat on a sunny deck, ready to set sail for battle!

"Arrr, matey! Top election swabs be warnin’ the mail ship o’ troubles with them ballot scrolls, har har!"

Arrr, me hearties! A motley crew o' election swabs be shoutin' from the crow's nest 'bout the Postal Service bein' slower than a barnacle-covered ship! Ballots be showin' up later than a landlubber at a rum party! They penned a message to Captain DeJoy, warnin' him o' the storm brewin'!

"Arrr, Ohio scallywag be tellin' Trump to quit usin' his lad's demise fer his swindlin' schemes, savvy?"

Avast, me hearties! An Ohio swabbe be tellin' Trump to haul anchor and stop usin' his lad's tragic demise for political treasure! Young Aiden met Davy Jones 'cause of a bus mishap, not some scallywag from Haiti! Keep yer hands off, ye landlubber!

"Avast! Who be this Laura Loomer? Republicans quake at her sway over Captain Trump’s ship, I say!"

Arrr, me hearties! That scallywag Laura Loomer, claimin' to be a “journalist,” be lurkin’ 'round Captain Trump like a barnacle on a ship! Spotted disembarkin’ his vessel on debate day and hauntin’ him on 9/11, makin’ some landlubbers uneasy! She be as brash as a parrot, fer sure!

"Arrr! Estonia be sailing with nine mateys, spillin’ the beans on Russia’s sneaky cyber shenanigans! Avast, ye scallywags!"

Arrr, matey! Ten bold nations be soundin' the alarm on them scallywag Russian hacking tricks aimed at Ukraine and her mates. For Estonia, one of the fine crew, this be a grand ol' treasure of a milestone! Avast, let the world know!

September 11, 2024

Arrr, the true treasure from the Trump-Harris tussle be those ABC scallywag fact-checkers, savvy?

Arrr, moderatin' a presidential squabble be a right thankless task, matey! In this stormy seas of politics, it be a slippery plank where none be pleased! But hats off to ABC's David Muir and Linsey Davis, who danced the line like true swashbucklers in Tuesday’s ruckus ‘twixt Kamala and Trump! Aye!

"Devourin' pets, treasure prices risin', and baby makin' - the ruckus be checked for truth, savvy?"

Arrr, mates! In a raucous clash o' titans, Trump and Harris sparred like scallywags in a tavern brawl, battlin' over gold, sea lanes, and whatnot! In a wild 90 minutes, they tossed barbs like cannonballs. The BBC crew be investigatin' the treasure they dug up!

Arrr, those scallywags at ABC pulled a jolly treasure hunt, fact-checkin’ the notorious Trump, ‘tis a fine jest indeed!

Arrr, they be sayin' it be nigh impossible, aye! For years, we’ve heard tall tales 'bout why fact-checkin’ in the heat o' battle be a folly! Moderators ain't no truth-tellers, they claimed, and it’d muddle the jolly debate! Impartiality be the name of the game, or so they squeaked! Har har!

Arrr, matey! Aye, folks be makin' a swift exit from Trump’s shindigs faster than a parrot on a pirate's shoulder!

"Arrr! No scallywags be abandonin’ me gatherings!" bellowed Trump, clashin' swords with Kamala. "They ain't fleein' from boredom or weariness!" Yet, mates, those reportin’ landlubbers be spyin’ many a soul slippin’ out early, likely seekin’ a frothy grog instead o’ Trump’s long-winded tales!

Arrr, it be 23 years past, and them September 11 kin still hunt for justice from Saudi scallywags with a lawsuit!

Arrr, matey! 'Tis been twenty-three long years since the fiercest raid struck the shores of America! “Never Forget,” they be sayin’, but for the heartbroken kin, 'tis a chant of sorrow, not just words! As they tipple in remembrance, they be awaitin’ a judge’s decree on their treasure hunt for truth!

Arrr, after the great calamity of 9/11, we be chasin' scallywags o' humanity 'round the globe, matey!

Arrr, when the scallywag Haniyeh met his doom by a sneaky boom in Iran, the seas of the Middle East turned turbulent! Israel be blamed, yet it be playin' coy like a cat with a mouse. What be next, ye ask? States pickin' off their own like fish in a barrel, I reckon!

Arrr matey! After two-and-twenty moons, let’s not be forgettin’ the teachin’s of that fateful day, aye!

Arrr, 'tis been 23 years since America be witnessin' the mighty towers tumble like a ship in a storm! Nineteen scallywags from far-off lands commandeered four fine vessels, sendin’ 2,977 souls to Davy Jones’ locker. Yet brave hearts rose, like Todd Beamer and his crew, thwartin’ the dastardly plot!

Arrr, Trump be lettin' treasure slip through his fingers like a drunken sailor chasin' a mermaid!

Arrr, with a bit o' help from ABC, Kamala be claimin' victory in the debate in Philly! The moderators be checkin' Trump’s facts like a ship’s crew checkin’ for leaks, but let her sail through with wild tales 'bout guns and health plans. Blimey! What a ruckus on the high seas o' politics!

Arrr! The mighty Missouri Court be sayin’: Aye, let the folks vote on the lady's choice! Avast, ballots away!

Arrr, mateys! The mighty court o’ Missouri be settin’ sail to let the landlubbers vote on a notion to restore the fair practice of abortin’ wee ones! With over 250,000 scallywags signin’ the petition, 'tis time for a raucous ballot in November! Avast, let the people decide!

Arrr, Trump swaggered into the media's spin den after the debate, like a captain in a stormy tavern!

Arrr, mateys! Ol’ Trump be sayin’ he’d spin the reporters like a sailor on a stormy sea! While his crew of advisers be chattin’ in the spin room, he swaggered in after battlin’ Harris, claimin’ he be the fiercest captain to sail the debate! Aye, what a jolly jest!

Arrr, Harris be battin' cannons at Trump on the debate deck, like a scallywag settlin' a score!

Arrr, Vice President Kamala, with the wind at her back, set sail to sink Captain Trump on the debate deck! The ABC scallywags be checkin' his tales while lettin' her slip by with naught but foggy hints on governin'. They clashed 'bout treasure, seas of life, and distant lands!

Arrr! Taylor Swift be shillin' for Harris, tagged by the moniker 'Cat Lady Without No Whelps!' Ha!

Arrr, mateys! Taylor Swift be throwin' her compass to Kamala Harris right after the ruckus 'twixt Trump and his crew! In a jolly scroll on the ‘gram, she be callin' herself the "Childless Cat Lady," takin' a jab at that scallywag Vance. She be sayin', "I be votin' fer a true sea dog!"

September 10, 2024

Arrr, matey! Congress be snoopin' 'round, discoverin' Cuomo and crew penned a yarn 'bout them nursing homes!

Arrr, on a fine Sunday morn last February, young James Malatras be getting a jolly ol’ missive from the once mighty Governor Cuomo! “Now that the squall be passed, how be ye faring, matey? Talent always be winning, aye! Fair winds, Andrew!” Aye, the tides be strange!

"Did Tim Walz beakin’ let Minneapolis blaze like a ship in a cannonball fight, savvy?"

Arrr, matey! Thar be a spot o’ sorrow where George Floyd met his fate, now a shrine fit fer mermaids! Cup Foods be reborn as Unity Foods, and the cursed curb be bloom’n with wildflowers! Aye, the scorched gas station turned into a parley spot fer wayward souls!

"Avast, matey! Worry not o’er them Russian scallywags meddlin’—the seas be full o' storms, but we’ll sail on!"

Arrr, listen ye scallywags! If ye be blind to the gossip, them Russians be meddlin' in the land o' the free once more! Aye, 'tis a sport all the world’s rogues be playin’, throwin' coins at elections like it be a game. But will ol' Vlad’s treasure pay off this time, or be it just more bilge?

"Arrr, matey! RFK Jr. be me grog supplier, savvy? His wares got me sea legs a-dancin'!"

Arrr, matey! The top swab of the third-party crew, a green-thumbed lawyer kin to old sea dogs of the left, has jumped ship! He’s now rallyin' 'round the flag of a landlubber president who'd scuttle the seas! Oh, the irony be thicker than grog in a barrel!

Arrr! Harris be spillin’ her treasure map o’ policies ‘fore the debate, after scallywags called her vague as a foggy morn!

Arrr, mateys! Kamala be hoistin' her policy sails just two sunsets before clashin’ with Trump the scallywag! Critics be callin’ her as clear as murky waters since she set sail for the White House in July. The winds be a-changin' as the election draws near! Avast!

Arrr! Trump be jabberin' 'bout Kamala's plans like a parrot on a treasure chest! What a scallywag's tale!

Arrr, matey! Trump’s crew be laughin’ heartily at Kamala’s fancy “policy page.” They say, “She’s charted a ‘New Way Forward’ after four years of shipwrecks in the White House! What be she smokin’?” A right jolly jest, indeed! Avast, let the election games begin!

Arrr! Harris be addin' a policy scroll to his ship's website, spillin’ the beans 'bout that scallywag Trump!

Arrr, me hearties! It be the first time Vice President Harris be addin' her schemes to the website since Captain Biden hoisted the white flag and backed her ship 50 days past! Her treasure map be divided into four jolly sections for fair winds and safe harbors! Yarrr!

Arrr, Trump be raisin’ the Jolly Roger for weed, agreein’ with the lass Harris on this high seas o’ law!

Arrr, matey! It seems ol' Trump be raisin' his flag for the green herb, callin' it less fierce than a kraken! Even his rival, Kamala, be joinin’ the merry crew! ‘Tis a grand turnin' o' tides when both captains be seekin' to free the leaf! Avast!

"Arrr, matey! Haitian scallywags munchin' on pooches? But lo! A grander tale brews 'bout wayward souls in Springfield!"

Arrr, matey! A ruckus be brewin' 'round the rumor mill, sayin' Haitian swabs be snatchin' critters for their supper! But fear not, the local constables declare this tale be as wild as a three-legged sea turtle. No furry pâté makin' on their watch, savvy? Har har!

Arrr! No scallywag from Haiti be munchin' on felines in Ohio; 'twas a landlubber lass in hot water instead!

Arrr, matey! Nay, ‘tis but a tall tale! A lass from Canton, Ohio, be nabbed fer torturin' and feastin’ on a feline—yet her roots be planted in the good ol' U.S. No scallywags in Ohio be munchin’ on their furry mates! Hoist the sails o’ truth!

Arrr, matey! Let’s unravel the tale o' Haitian scallywags settlin' in Springfield, Ohio! A jolly crew they be!

Arrr, matey! The web be buzzin' like a hornet’s nest 'bout a wee Ohio town! Even the scallywag Musk be tossin' his hat in the ring, claimin' 20,000 Haitians be munchin' on pets! “Vote for Kamala or yer critters be on the menu!” he squawked, savin' ducklings and kittens! Ha!

Arrr, how Springfield, Ohio, became the grand stage fer the ruckus over sea-farin' folk comin' ashore!

Arrr, mateys! In a jolly speech at the National Conservativism shindig, VP hopeful JD Vance be tellin’ the crew to set sail for Springfield, Ohio. Aye, he’s yapped 'bout that wee town before, warnin’ it’s swarmin’ with more scallywags than a treasure chest o’ doubloons!

September 9, 2024

Arrr! The constable's swabbed to desk duty, while the captain vows to spill the beans after Tyreek's capture, matey!

Arrr, matey! Gather 'round, ye scallywags! If ye be seekin' treasure, beware the kraken's tickle! For every gold doubloon ye find, a parrot might steal yer biscuits! So hoist the sails, keep yer cutlass sharp, and remember—don’t trust a fish with a wig! Har har har!

"Arrr! China be spittin’ mad as NATO ships be sailin’ too near their treasure-laden shores!"

Arrr, on the morrow, China be givin' Germany a jolly good warning! They be sendin' warships to the waters of dispute, savvy? The Germans be plannin' to sail the grand frigate Baden-Württemberg in the Taiwan Strait, but China be sayin’, "Hands off, ye scallywags!" Ahoy, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr! Wisconsin's voter ID be a pesky loophole, makin' landlubbers scratch their heads and raise a ruckus!

Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywags whine 'bout Wisconsin's tight voter ID laws, but 'tis a blessing! This here Badger State be a murky sea of election shenanigans. Yet, beware the sneaky loophole—claimin’ “Indefinitely Confined” lets rogues snag absentee ballots without showin’ their true colors! Blimey!

"Arrr! Mother be spillin’ the beans 'bout Georgia school, wonderin' what mischief brewed 'fore the cannon went boom!"

Arrr, matey! A matron o' a lad from Georgia be spoutin' tales that the scallywags o' the school knew the lad was in a right pickle. “They had the chance to save 'em and missed it!” she be wailin'. Aye, the sea o’ sorrow runs deep, indeed!

Arrr! Springfield matey be spoutin’ tales of Haitians munchin’ on park ducks—decapitatin' and feasting, no less! Avast, Ohio!

Arrr! A scallywag from Springfield, Ohio, be spoutin' tall tales o' Haitian swabs loppin' off the noggins of ducks in the town's parks and feasting on 'em! Aye, what a ruckus fer a quacker dinner, me hearties!

Arrr! Keep yer spyglass keen on the swashbucklin' primaries o' New Hampshire, Delaware, and Rhode Island, matey!

Ahoy, ye landlubbers of New Hampshire, Delaware, and Rhode Island! On the morrow, ye’ll be settin’ sail to the polls, choosin’ ye favorites for the grand gubernatorial showdown! Keep yer eyes peeled for the spirited duel ‘twixt Maggie Goodlander and Colin Van, a right merry spectacle it be! Arrr!

Arrr matey! Prepare ye hearties for a wild ride in Rhode Island's primaries, where chaos be the order o' the day!

Arrr, matey! After five moons of ponderin', the good folk of Rhode Island be settin' sail to pick their champions for the Senate duel! Democratic Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse be meetin' ol' Mike Costa, a former governor wannabe, who’s tossin' gold doubloons like a sailor on a spree! Avast!

"Arrr, matey! Set yer spyglass on the primaries in Delaware, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island—treasures await, savvy?"

Arrr, mateys! The final bout o' primaries be comin' this Tuesday, as landlubbers from Delaware, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island be settin' sail to the ballot box fer new captains o' the ship! With some old sea dogs retirin', the crew be eager to claim the treasure of power! Avast!

Aye, mateys! A landlubber’s tossin' a billion doubloons to sink th' liberal ship o' America, arrr!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Leonard Leo be settin’ sail with a treasure chest of a billion doubloons, aim’n to keelhaul liberal scallywags from the corporate seas to the newsy brine! He be ready to unleash the Marble Freedom Trust upon them, fer a jolly good tussle!

Arrr! The House of Foreign Affairs be spillin' the beans on Afghanistan, savvy? A hearty report fit for treasure!

Arrr, me hearties! The Foreign Affairs crew be spillin' the beans on a mighty long scroll regardin' the U.S. troop shindig in Afghanistan! They be pointin' fingers at Captain Biden, sayin' he dithered like a landlubber while the ship sank. Aye, chaos be the name of the game!

Arrr, the GOP be spillin' the beans on Biden’s grand escape from the Afghan shores! What a scallywag move!

Arrr matey! Aye, the GOP be spillin' the beans on Biden’s hasty retreat from the land of Afghanistan! He be settin’ sail without a proper map, causin’ a right ruckus, leavin' us all scratchin' our heads! Blimey, chaos be his first mate! What a swashbucklin' mess!

"Arrr! House scallywags be pointin’ fingers at Captain Biden for the shipwreck in Afghanistan, matey!"

Arrr, matey! The House Republicans be spoutin' tales of woe 'bout the U.S. skedaddle from Afghanistan! They be pointin' fingers at Captain Biden, while givin' ol' Trump a mere wink, despite him makin' the deal with them scallywags! A right merry mess, if ye ask me!

September 8, 2024

Arrr, those scallywag MAGA swabs be only to blame fer fallin' fer ol' Vlad's trickery, savvy?

Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! The likes of Rubin, Johnson, and Pool be havin' legions of scallywags followin' 'em on the YouTube seas! They be claimin' the Russian meddlin' be naught but a tall tale! But lo! They be swimmin' in gold with a sneaky crew of Russian buccaneers! Yarrr!

Arrr, those desperate Democrats be tryin' to peddle another tall tale o' Russian tricks! What be their next mischief?

Arrr, me hearties! This week, the Biden crew be raisin’ anchors against those scurvy Kremlin websites and their media mates! Aye, the timing be as fishy as a three-headed sea serpent with ballots sailin’ out. Beware, for the red flags be flyin’ high on this treacherous tide!

“Ahoy! Michigan lad’s woes with Nigerian knaves led to their doom, all ‘cause of a cheeky scandal! Har har!”

Arrr, matey! A judge in Michigan be givin' a pair o' Nigerian scallywags, Samuel and Samson Ogoshi, a hefty 17½ years in Davy Jones' locker for their dastardly sextortion shenanigans! Their mischief sent a lad to the depths, but it be a wake-up call fer the landlubbers! Avast!

"Yonder Hamas scallywag met Davy Jones after a cannonball's kiss at his Gaza abode! Arrr, what a way to go!"

Avast, me hearties! Word be blowin’ ‘round that a scallywag named Col. Mohammed Mursi met his maker in an Israeli cannon blast, right at his home in Jabaliya. Alas, three kin also joined him on Davy Jones' locker! The Israeli lads be keepin’ mum on the matter. Arrr!

Arrr, scallywags! Matey nabbed tryin' to sneak in, hatchin' a dastardly scheme on a fateful day! Blimey!

Arrr! Young Muhammad Shahzeb Khan, a scallywag of twenty, thought to plunder the good ol' U.S. of A. for a right ruckus at a Jewish lair in Brooklyn, supportin' them scurvy ISIS mates. But alas! The Canadian constables caught him a mere twelve leagues from the border. What a landlubber!

Arrr! Cornel West be sailin' onto Virginia's ballot, after the state's course be swabbed clean, matey!

Arrr! Independent scallywag Cornel West be no longer marooned! The Virginia crew done changed their minds, lettin' him and his matey Melina Abdullah sail onto the ballot this November. Aye, they be reconsiderin’ quicker than a crab scuttlin’ away from a hungry shark!

Arrr, matey! Google be hoardin' treasure, stirrin' up a storm with the law, like a scallywag in a tavern brawl!

Arrr, matey! Google be settin' sail fer another battle, this time over its treasure trove of doubloons in digital ads! The US Justice crew, fresh from bestin’ the scallywag in search, be ready to swab the decks o’ monopoly on the morrow! Let the rum flow and the court be merry!

Arrr! Edmundo González, that scallywag, sails off to Spain, lettin’ the winds of Venezuela blow without him!

Arrr! Edmundo González, the scallywag contender for the treasure of Venezuela, has set sail for Spain, seekin' refuge like a landlubber! The Spanish foreign minister be sayin’ he flew on a fine Spanish bird! Spain be pledgin' to protect the rights o' all Venezuelan mates. Avast!

September 7, 2024

Arrr! Trump be sayin' that Bragg's case be as lifeless as a barnacle-covered boot!

Arrr, me hearties! The ol' sea captain Trump be chattin' with Fox News, claimin' he be as innocent as a parrot! He be sayin' the judge's delay be as pointless as a leaky barrel. Mark yer maps, for the next trial be set fer the 26th of November! Avast!

September 6, 2024

Arrr! The IRS be plunderin’ $1.3 billion from the landlubber wealthy, aye! Rich scallywags be payin’ their dues!

Arrr! The tax collectors be shoutin' from the crow's nest that they've snatched back $1.3 billion doubloons from scallywags who be dodgin' their dues! With the wind of the 2022 Inflation Act at their sails, they be huntin' tax cheats like a pack o' hungry sea dogs!

"Arrr! We be plunderin' $1.3B in gold doubloons from the high-flyin' landlubbers not payin' their fair share!"

Arrr! The Treasury scallywags be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that they’ve snagged $1.3 billion doubloons from the high-falutin’ landlubbers who be dodgin’ their dues! All part o’ Biden’s grand scheme to make sure the rich pay their fair share, lest they walk the plank! Ha-ha!

Arrr! A ragtag crew o' scallywags stormin' a Colorado lair, thinkin' it's a pirate's hideout for landlubber migrants!

Arrr! In a Colorado den, a band of ruffians be caught on the spyglass, stormin' the place with blunderbusses galore! A former matey be claimin’ the law turned a blind eye. The scallywags be called Tren de Aragua, a merry crew of 5,000, with a motto fit for the high seas!

Arrr! Police be sayin' those scallywags be wrong 'bout migrants plunderin' Colorado and California! Ha!

Arrr, matey! In the land o’ the Golden State and Colorful Colorado, the lawmen be debunkin’ tall tales spun by scallywags on the right. Rumor be that “illegal sea dogs” tried to commandeer school buses! Aye, ‘tis a fanciful yarn, a desperate ploy ‘fore the election sails in!

Avast ye! Lawyers be squawkin' 'bout them scallywag Venezuelans runnin' the show at Aurora's treasure troves! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Aye, the quill of The Denver Gazette be spillin' tales o' CBZ Management's cursed abode in Aurora, shut down fer safety woes! Letters be revealin' that city officials knew weeks prior o' a Venezuelan crew makin’ merry with the property! Aye, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, matey! Fox News be blastin' the Inflation Reduction Act with old numbers, two years wearin' barnacles, aye!

Arrr, all five scallywags of Fox News’ midday crew be takin’ aim at the Biden-Harris treasure, the Inflation Reduction Act! They be blind as a bat to the gold of lowin’ inflation and callin’ it a sneaky ship full o’ climate tricks! Aye, what a merry jest, matey!

"Did that scallywag JD Vance declare school shootin's be a 'fact o' life'? Avast, what be the tale?"

Arrr, matey! JD Vance, that scallywag of a vice candidate, be callin' school shootin's "a fact of life," causin' a tempest o' ire! Meanwhile, two lads and two teachin' wenches met Davy Jones after a young scamp went wild with his boomstick. The seas of gun violence be stormy once more!

Arrr, matey! The US treasure chest be 142,000 doubloons richer in August, but still fell short o' the booty!

Arrr matey! In the month of August, the landlubber labor market be a’growin’, yet fell short of the wise men’s reckonin’. They be addin’ a mere 142,000 jobs, when 160,000 be the treasure sought! The scallywag unemployment dipped to 4.2%, but still be a slippery sea!

Arrr! Employers be shiverin’ with 142,000 new crew, but still missed the treasure map; unemployment be slippin’ down the plank!

Arrr, matey! In August, the sea o' jobs swelled, adding 142,000 hearty souls to the crew! The Fed be keen to slash rates as they gather fer a parley. Unemployment be droppin' to 4.2%, makin' the treasure map of the economy look a tad brighter, savvy?

Arrr, the treasure of jobs be swellin’ by 142,000 in August, while the Fed be slashing interest rates, savvy?

Avast! The scallywags o' the US added 142,000 hearty souls to the crew last moon, says the labor scribbler on Friday. As the Federal Reserve be readyin' to drop interest rates like a cannonball, all eyes be on the treasure map we call the economy 'fore November’s big vote! Arrr!

September 5, 2024

Arrr, the judge be lettin' Hunter swap his plea, dodgin' the gallows' noose! A true pirate's trick, savvy?

Arrr, me hearties! Hunter Biden, that scallywag, confessed to nine tax sins last Thursday, dodging the gallows just ‘fore his trial set sail! With a twist of fate, Judge Scarsi let him off the hook as jurors awaited. Seems he kept $1.4 million buried, eh? A true pirate’s tale!

Arrr, Hunter Biden's whine be showin' the IRS and DOJ be riggin' the 2020 treasure map for Joe!

Arrr! On Thursday, young Hunter Biden be confessin’ to a heap o’ tax misdeeds, but when be the IRS fessin’ up to pilferin’ the 2020 treasure for Cap’n Joe? Methinks the cover-up be worse than a scurvy dog! Now the IRS be lookin’ as shady as a bilge rat!

Arrr, Trump be settin’ sail fer a crew o’ efficiency, dreamt up by that landlubber Musk! Avast, what trickery!

Arrr, me hearties! Former Captain Trump be settin' sail to trim the sails of bureaucracy, just like that landlubber Musk! He be blarneyin’ at the Economic Club, vowin' to plunder the treasury with an audit o' the whole federal ship! Avast, let the treasure hunt begin!

Arrr, Elon be itching to scuttle the government’s treasure chest if that scallywag Trump sails back in!

Arrr, matey! Elon Musk be all a-hullabaloo ‘bout joinin’ Trump’s crew again, sharpenin’ his cutlass! After the former captain took a bullet at a raucous shindig, Musk be shoutin’ his support. But Trump be thinkin' ol' Elon be too busy countin’ doubloons to swab the decks of a cabinet. Har har!

Arrr, Tucker’s got a scallywag ‘historian’ spoutin’ Nazi tales ‘bout the Holocaust—a right jolly joke, that be!

Avast, mateys! Right-wing scallywag Tucker Carlson be chattin' with a self-styled “historian” spoutin' tall tales 'bout the Holocaust. Even the landlubber Elon Musk be givin' a wink, sayin' it be “worth watchin'.” Yarrr, what a jest! The seas be full of fishy stories, I tells ye!

Arrr! Nikki Haley, once a lass vyin' fer the crown, now sails with the fine crew at Edelman!

Arrr, matey! On July 16 in Milwaukee, the fair Nikki Haley, once a seeker of the presidential crown, be settlin’ in with the savvy crew of Edelman! A twist of fate, indeed! Trump be sayin’ she’ll still sail with him if he claims the treasure! What a merry jest!

“Avast! Ruckus ‘bout Israel be makin’ campuses clamp down on free chatter, claims the speakin’ folks!”

Avast, ye landlubbers! As the autumn sails in, the fine scholars be raisin' a ruckus 'gainst Israel's cannon fire in Gaza, stirrin' up a tempest of censorship at the poshest of universities! A merry band o' free speech swashbucklers be tallyin' a record 156 attempts to shush the ruckus! Arrr!

"Arrr! Right-wing scallywags be tricked into servin’ the sneaky Russian buccaneers, the good ol' U.S. be claimin'!"

Arrr, matey! They be havin' legions o' scallywags followin' 'em! These landlubbers be swabbin' the decks o’ right-wing banter since Captain Trump set sail. Turns out, they were unwittin' crew for a Russian ship, funded by sly sea dogs fer churning out their ruckus! Aye, what a jest!

Arrr! Tenet Media, them right-wing scallywags, be peddlin' Russian tall tales like a parrot with a sore throat!

Avast, ye scallywags! A crew from Tennessee be makin’ shows for swashbucklers like Benny and Tim, funded by the Russian sea serpent known as RT! The law be spillin’ the beans, claimin’ this Tenet Media ship be postin’ a treasure trove of videos. Arrr, what a merry jest!

Arrr! Harris be tryin' to sail away from Biden’s ship o’ economy, but it be makin' Trump’s parrot squawk with frustration!

Arrr, at the Throwback Brewery, Kamala be chartin' a new course, slippin' away from Biden's treasure map whilst tryin' to steer clear of the ol' sea dog, Trump, who's as mad as a parrot! She be stoppin’ in New Hampshire for those shiny electoral doubloons, then off to debate camp she sails!

"Beware, ye landlubbers! Conservatives be bamboozled into tossin' a chest o’ doubloons for a Russian ruse! Har har!"

Arrr, me hearties! The DOJ be sayin’ that some conservative scallywags be unwittingly parleyin’ with a Kremlin-funded crew! A federal scroll reveals Tenet Media, hailing from Tennessee, pocketed a treasure o’ nearly $10 million from them Russian sea dogs, spreadin’ secret messages like a ship lost in fog!

September 4, 2024

Arrr! Biden be readyin' to scuttle a $14 billion treasure o' steel, savvy? Aye, that be a fine jest!

Arrr, matey! The captain o' U.S. Steel be sayin’ if that gold-laden pact with Nippon Steel goes belly-up, the mills be sinkin’ to Davy Jones’ locker! Ol’ Burritt be lamentin’ ‘bout the treasure that keeps the crew a-workin’! If the deal be doomed, we won’t be hoistin’ sails!

Arrr, Tim Walz be called to the captain’s table for the great $250 million COVID treasure hunt! Avast!

Arrr, me hearties! The House crew be demandin' the papers from Tim Walz, the scallywag in the vice-presidential race, over a treasure trove o' COVID doubloons gone awry! They be wantin' to pester him and his mates, all fer a heap o' gold! Avast, what a merry mess!

"Arrr, matey! Most scallywags guardin’ Trump be DHS landlubbers, learnin’ their trade from a two-hour seashell seminar!"

Arrr, matey! It be said that at the Trump parade in Butler, a crew of Homeland Security scallywags, trained less than a landlubber, be guardin' the captain. Sen. Hawley be spoutin’ tales of a whistleblowin’ buccaneer revealin’ that they’d only been schooled by a janky ol’ internet course! Blimey!

Arrr! Harris be squashing dreams o' partin' ways with Biden 'bout Gaza like a sea monster on a soggy biscuit!

Arrr, me hearties! Pro-Palestinian scallywags be fumin’ at Vice President Harris for sailin' in tandem with Captain Biden on this Israel-Hamas squabble! Yet, some be dreamin' she’ll hoist a tougher flag if she grabs the helm! But alas, no sign she’ll stop sendin’ cannonballs to Israel, savvy?

September 3, 2024

Arrr matey! The U.S. and Kiwi lads say China be meddlin’ in politics with tricksy web shenanigans!

Ahoy mateys! Word be sailin' from a band of cyber swabs in America and the good folk of New Zealand, sayin' the Chinese scallywags be stirrin' the political pot with their sneaky online shenanigans. Aye, those rascals be bombardin' ye with a deluge of spam and balderdash on the social seas!

Arrr, the White House be laughin' off queries 'bout Kamala's newfound twang, claimin' it be pure madness, matey!

Arrr matey! The White House parley, led by the fair Jean-Pierre, tossed aside a query 'bout Kamala's newfound twang quicker than a fish can swim! Doocy from Fox called out her peculiar accent, likenin' it to that rascally rooster, Foghorn Leghorn! A right jolly hullabaloo it be!

Arrr! Eight years past, the tides o' abortion politics be shiftin' like a drunken sailor on a stormy sea!

Arrr, in the year of our Lord 2016, the Republican crew hoisted their sails against abortion, claimin’ the 14th Amendment be meanin’ no such thing! With Roe v. Wade still flyin’ high and a vacant throne on the Supreme Court, they set their sights on a new captain fer the ship o' state!

"Arrr! Ukraine's armin' chief and four scallywags be jumpin' ship in a gov'ment ruckus, savvy?"

Arrr! The Ukrainian ship’s weapons master, Oleksandr Kamyshin, jumped ship on Tuesday, seekin' new adventures in defense! With three other scallywags leavin' too, a third o’ the crew be adrift, just when the cannons be a-blastin' at the Russian foe. It be a right merry mess!

Arrr! The fast-casual feasting joints be sinking like a leaky ship in 2024—Roti be the latest to walk the plank!

Arrr mateys! Roti, the gallant galley of Mediterranean fare, be seekin’ harbor in Chapter 11 waters! Captain Justin Seamonds, the jester o’ joy, declares, “Though the winds be foul, we be servin’ scrumptious grub fer all!” Aye, a wise course ‘tis to protect the treasure!

"Arrr! Many fine eatin' establishments sank to Davy Jones' locker in '24, what with the coin woes and hunger woes!"

Arrr, me hearties! A tidal wave of bankruptcies be crashin' upon the shores of many a trade this year, especially the eateries! With labor costs risin' like the morning sun and wallets emptier than a scallywag’s treasure chest, it be a right mess, I tell ye!

"Avast, me hearties! Ten grub joints be sunk this year, plundered by the cruel tide of bankruptcy!"

Arrr, matey! The sea o' restaurants be sinkin’ fast this year, with ten fine establishments goin’ belly up! In August alone, three ships of the culinary realm hoisted the white flag. With gold growin’ scarce and the plague's treasure gone, more may soon join Davy Jones’ locker!

Arrr! Israeli scallywags be hollerin' fer a Gaza truce after six brave souls met Davy Jones, savvy?

Arrr, matey! A mighty throng o' scallywags stormed the streets o' Israel, raisin' a ruckus fer two sunrises now! The land be at a standstill, as the unions be shoutin' fer a fair swap o' hostages. Even the economy be takin' a nap, savvy?

Arrr! Eagles be plunderin' them phony bus ads cheerin' for that Kamala lass! Avast, matey!

Arrr! The scallywags of the Philadelphia Eagles be claimin’ they’re huntin’ down fake political scrolls, sportin’ Kamala’s name, that be poppin’ up near the bus stops. “We be aware of these swindlin’ ads and be workin’ with our mateys to plunder ‘em away!” they proclaimed on the X seas. Har har!

Arrr, matey! Those Philadelphia Eagles be callin' them Kamala Harris posters mere scallywag forgeries! Ha-ha!

Arrr, matey! A scallywag's flyer be claimin’ the Eagles be raisin’ the Jolly Roger with Vice President Kamala Harris! The feathery crew be debunkin’ this tall tale. Spotted ‘round Philly, the pesky poster showed her clutchin' a pigskin, but it met Davy Jones’ locker posthaste! Blimey!

"Arrr! Eagles be scuttlin' them scurvy counterfeit Kamala ads 'round Philly like a ship in a squall!"

Arrr, matey! The Eagles be not sailin' with her! Those scallywags be disavowin' the phony ads claimin' Vice President Kamala Harris be their chosen lass! They be workin' with their ad crew to hoist the sails and wash them away! Aye, she be lookin' like a true buccaneer in that helmet!

Arrr, the House scallywags be bickering over booty as the stormy elections approach! Avast, what a merry mess!

Arrr, mateys! The lawmakers be settin' sail back to D.C. next week, hopin' to hoist a spendin' bill before the first of October, lest the ship of state sink! But those scallywag conservatives be demandin' treasure, threatenin' to spark a right ruckus ‘fore the elections! Aye, what a merry mess!

September 2, 2024

"Arrr! The scallywags o' the AfD be the first brigands to seize a German state since the Great War, aye!"

Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the AfD be hoistin’ their Jolly Roger in Thuringia, claimin’ a grand 32.8% o’ the booty! Chancellor Scholz be shakin’ in his boots, with naught but a year 'til the next duel o’ elections. The sea be churnin’ with worry, indeed!

Arrr, the German scallywags of the AfD be hoistin’ the Jolly Roger in the eastern seas o' politics!

Arrr, mateys! In Thuringia, the scallywags of the AfD be hoistin’ their flags high, claimin’ a grand 32% of the booty in the polls! Their captain, Björn Höcke, be shoutin’ ‘tis a historic win! Aye, first time since them battles of yore that a crew like this be enterin' the parliament!

"Arrr! Anti-migrant scallywags be hoistin’ their flags high in the German ports o’ politics, savvy?"

Arrr, matey! On Sunday, the landlubbers of Thuringia cast their lot with the raucous Alternative for Germany, plunderin’ a stout 30.5% o’ the votes! Aye, they’ve outfoxed the CDU crew led by the ol’ sea hag Merkel, who sank to a mere 24%. A right merry hullabaloo, it be!

Arrr! The scallywags o' California be bannin' trickster illusions, guardin' landlubbers, and keepin' the metal brains in check, har har!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags of California be passin' a treasure trove o' rules t' wrangle that crafty beast called artificial intelligence, thwart them pesky deepfakes, and shield the toil-worn crew from its treachery! The governor be havin’ till September’s end to weigh his options—sign, veto, or let 'em drift!

"Arrr! Harris be floatin’ high on a sea o’ Democrat votes, sayin’ beware the pollsters’ trickery, ye scallywags!"

Arrr, me hearties! The fair Kamala be sailin’ ahead in the polls, though some say the winds be blowin’ too favorably for her crew! The Democrats be hootin’ and hollerin’ as she’s catchin’ up to that scallywag Trump, who once ruled the seas of polling. Aye, what a merry jest!

Arrr, Democrats be thinkin' them scallywag Republicans be sowin' legal mischief to plunder a Trump defeat!

Arrr, matey! Them Republicans be stirrin' up a tempest o' legal squabbles in the high seas of battlegrounds! Kamala and her crew be thinkin' they be schemin' to raise doubts if Cap’n Trump takes a dive. In Georgia, the election board be handin’ the wheel to local scallywags to judge the vote! Aye, chaos ahead!

Arrr! Israel’s crew be raisin’ the black flag, protestin’ the scallywags mishandlin’ their hostage parley!

Avast, me hearties! Israel be in quite the uproar, as the Histadrut crew be callin’ for a grand strike! With the government fumblin’ the ball after findin’ six poor souls, all hands be takin’ a day off! Schools and offices be closin’, and the economy be sinkin’ like a ship! Arrr!

September 1, 2024

Avast! Six poor souls met a cruel fate in Gaza, including the unfortunate Goldberg-Polin. Arrr, what a tragic tale!

Arrr! The Israeli sea dogs claim they've pulled from the depths the remains of six poor souls, taken by the scallywags of Hamas. Among 'em be Hersh Goldberg-Polin, a Californian lad, snatched at a jolly fest! The hearts of kin be heavy, fearin' time's a'tickin'!

Arrr, six poor souls found like fish in a barrel, slain by those scallywags of Hamas! What a right mess!

Arrr matey! Six poor souls, snatched by the scallywags of Hamas on the seventh day of October, met their doom in a dark tunnel of Rafah. The Israel Defense Forces be tellin' tales of woe, foundin' ‘em days later, all lifeless and cold. Aye, what a grim jest, eh?

Arrr, matey! Hersh Goldberg-Polin be six feet under, joinin' five other scallywags in Davy Jones’ locker!

Ahoy, me hearties! The tale be told that young Hersh Goldberg-Polin, snatched from a merry jingle at the festival, now sails the eternal seas! A grenade took his arm, and now, alas, he’s found below in the murky tunnels of Rafah. A sad fate for a jolly lad!

Arrr, that scallywag Harris be dancin' a jig on his own words, caught in a storm o' scrutiny!

Arrr, matey! Once, Vice President Kamala Harris scorned the devil’s frackin’ and the harsh immigration cannonades of Trump! But lo! In a chat with CNN's fair Dana Bash, she be singing a different shanty, all for the gold in Pennsylvania's hold! Aye, she be up a mere 0.8%!

August 30, 2024

Arrr! Trump be wantin’ the government to walk the plank fer fears o’ ghostly voter fraud! Aye, matey!

Arrr, matey! Ol’ Trumpy be sayin’ on the morrow that them Republican scallywags ought to sink the ship o’ government if them Democrats don’t agree to keep landlubbers from castin’ their votes! Aye, he’d scuttle the crew faster than ye can say “shiver me timbers!” Savvy?

Arrr, matey! Trump’s grand scheme for free baby makin’ might sink the treasure chest for $7B, say the sea scallywags!

Arrr, mateys! Old Trump be suggestin' that makin' in-vitro fertilization free for landlubber parents could hoist the cost o' $7 billion onto the government’s treasure chest! How he plans to chart that course, I know not, but it be soundin’ like a jolly good scheme! Avast!

Arrr, Johnny's matey Matthew was about to be a scallywag dad when a boozy landlubber sent them to Davy Jones!

Arrr, matey! Madeline Gaudreau, with a belly full o' treasure, mourns her dear Matthew, taken by a scallywag o’ a driver. They were set to welcome little Tripp in December! The crew's rallyin' round to lighten her load, for even pirates have hearts beneath their rough exteriors!

Avast, matey! Vance be sayin' he won't bow to the storm o' shame from the Miss Teen USA tale! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! JD Vance be tryin' to poke fun at Kamala Harris, likin' her to a stumblin' teen beauty queen from the seas of 2007! He be sharin' a clip of Caite Upton, who floundered when asked 'bout geography, sayin', "Even mermaids know where to find treasure better!" Har har har!

Arrr, Telegram's cap'n be under the spyglass for shenanigans with his wee lad in the Swiss seas!

Avast, ye landlubbers! French scallywags be askin' the Swiss for more tales 'bout Telegram's cap'n Durov, accused of givin' his wee lad a thumpin'. His former wench, Irina, be spillin' the beans, claimin' a stormy romance an' three little buccaneers! Blimey, what a ruckus on the high seas!

Arrr, most landlubbers o’ America can't scrape together doubloons for a humble abode, savvy?!

Arrr, matey! Most landlubbers 'round these parts can’t even lay claim to a humble shack! With prices shootin’ higher than a crow’s nest during a storm and treasure chests emptyin’ faster than a ship in a squall, it’s a right pickle for us sea dogs! Blame it on those shiny coins from the government!

Arrr! Scientists be claimin' ChatGPT be harborin' sneaky racin' vibes, like a scallywag in disguise!

Arrr, matey! A new scroll be sayin’ that the clever contraption behind ChatGPT be harborin’ a sneaky bias against those speakin’ the fine tongue of African American English! Aye, even when we kept the talk of color at bay, the beast still be showin’ its true colors! Blimey!

"Arrr! Haiti be settin' sail fer true treasure o' security, matey! Aye, no more scallywags lurkin'!"

Arrr, matey! For nigh on a hundred years, foreign scallywags be meddlin’ in Haiti’s biz, tryin’ to tame the wild seas o' violence. Just t’other day, they snatched a piece o’ Port-au-Prince from the grasp o’ ruffians! But with 109 years o' botched attempts, who be payin’ heed? Patience, me hearties!

"Arrr! The California scallywags be shovin' a new treasure map for loans fer them wanderin' souls, matey!"

Avast, me hearties! The scallywags in the California Senate be lettin' landlubbers of the undocumented sort seek a treasure chest of loans for their first humble abodes! With a hearty 23-11 cheer, they sailed this bill through. If it be passin' the Assembly, a fine bounty awaits! Arrr!

“Arrr, matey! A bill be sailin’ to Captain Newsom, givin’ landlubbers up to $150,000 fer a cozy cabin!”

Arrr, matey! The California crew be makin' it legal for landlubbers without papers to snag a treasure chest o’ doubloons to buy their own ship! Ol’ Gov. Newsom be ponderin’ over this here AB 1840, lettin’ ’em score up to $150,000 for their fancy homes. Avast, what a jolly jest!

Arrr, California be tossin’ gold coins to landlubbers without papers fer home sweet ship! Avast, what a jolly jest!

Arrr, matey! Governor Gavin Newsom be ponderin' whether landlubber folks without papers can snag a shiny treasure o' home loans in California! The scallywags in the Democrat ship sailed Assembly Bill 1840 to his desk. Will he brave the storm of politics during this election voyage? What say ye, Captain Newsom?

Arrr, matey! Listen well! First chat 'twixt Harris and Walz be full of treasure 'n jests!

Arrr, me hearties! Kamala, the Vice-Cap’n, be swabbin’ the deck o’ her thoughts! In her latest yarn, she claims her values be as steady as a ship’s compass, even as her sails catch a different wind on immigration and climate since '19! A right jolly twist!

August 29, 2024

Arrr, Kamala be cuttin’ through CNN’s jibber-jabber like a cutlass, savvy? Aye, she’s got wit sharper than me hooks!

Arrr, Kamala Harris be settin' sail with CNN’s Dana Bash fer her first grand chat since claimin' the Democratic treasure last month, but shiver me timbers! She ain’t playin’ by their rules! Instead, she be rallyin' the crew and workin' with content creators, givin' the ol' media outlets the cold shoulder!

Arrr, conservatives be spoutin' about Kamala's jumbled tongues on them climate deadlines, like a parrot in a stormy squall!

Arrr! Conservative scallywags be settin' sail on X, bleatin' 'bout a clip of CNN's parley with Vice President Kamala Harris. She be chattin' 'bout her swayin’ policies since takin’ the helm of the Democratic ship. Dana Bash be askin’ how voters should ponder these changes, savvy? A fine jest, indeed!

Arrr, matey! The Harris CNN chat be endin' with less bang than a damp cannon! Har har!

Arrr, on the fateful Thursday, Vice President Harris took the helm of her first grand interview since she set sail on her lightning-fast presidential voyage! Aye, CNN's Dana Bash was the captain of this ship, and with her matey, Gov Tim Walz, Harris parried the questions like a seasoned buccaneer!

"Arrr! They commanded me to shed me rags, matey! A tale of woe from yon prison beneath the Jolly Roger!"

Arrr, matey Ibrahim Salem, age 34, felt a shiver in his timbers when a scallywag soldier commanded him to shed his garb in that cursed Sde Teiman dungeon. "Aye, that be the moment I knew I sailed straight into Davy Jones’ locker!" he quipped, recalling the stormy seas of his plight.

Arrr! The landlubbers be sayin' the Sde Teiman's a fine ship now, with only 24 scallywags aboard!

Arrr, matey! The state be claimin’ the Sde Teiman brig be more shipshape than a well-kept treasure chest, with grub fit for a captain and doc care good enough fer a scurvy dog! But alas, the pesky landlubbers keep petitionin’ fer its closure, sayin’ it be a den o' abuse!

Arrr, Kamala be missin' the mark like a blind sailor 'bout how many landlubbers met Davy Jones 'cause o' COVID!

Arrr, matey! Vice President Kamala Harris be no silver-tongued siren; she be dodgin' the press like a scallywag. Aye, she once spun a yarn claimin' 220 million souls fell to COVID—a number that’d sink our ship! Just goes to show, she be a landlubber with words!

Arrr! Harris be sayin' she flipped patties at McDonald's in her scholar days. Here be the juicy tale!

Arrr, matey! In the wild days of the '80s, our Vice Captain Kamala Harris be flippin' burgers at McDonald's whilst she be earnin' her scrolls! But lo! The seas be murky—no proof be found, just her own jabberin'. We be searchin' for treasure on this tale! Yarrr!

Arrr! CrowdStrike be givin’ $60M shiny doubloons, while Delta be sinkin’ with a $500M hole in her hull!

Arrr, mateys! CrowdStrike be givin’ a treasure of $60 million in credits to those scallywags affected by a software storm! But lo! Delta be claimin’ a whopping $500 million lost in the tempest o’ canceled flights! Yet, amidst the chaos, CrowdStrike be sailin’ smooth with fine earnings! Har har!

Arrr! Telegram's cap'n Pavel Durov be in hot water in France fer a heap o' mischief! Avast, matey!

Arrr, matey! This week, the scallywag Durov, captain of the Telegram ship, be in hot water with the French! They’ve slapped him with charges fer not spillin’ the beans ‘bout his crew's misdeeds. Caught like a fish in a net after his fine flying contraption touched the land! Blimey!

"Arrr! French scallywags be layin' the charges on Telegram's cap'n, Pavel Durov! Avast, me hearties!"

Arrr, matey! French lawmen be pointin' the finger at Telegram’s captain, Pavel Durov, claimin’ he be mixin' in some foul deeds—child scrollin', pirate potions, and hacking tricks! A right jolly mess for a scallywag once hailed by the liberty-loving sea dogs! Avast, the plot thickens!

"Arrr, RFK Jr.’s stuck like barnacles on the Blue Wall, savvy? Not even a cannonball could set him free!"

Ahoy mateys! It be a curious tale, for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be in the ballot of Michigan and Wisconsin, though he’s hung up his boots and pledged fealty to Trump! Aye, his name be there, stirrin' the pot in the battle for the booty, but not in Arizona, Nevada, or Pennsylvania! Arr!

Why be the U.S. Navy tossin' gold at Tinder in Lebanon? Lookin' fer love or just a hearty parley?

Arrr! Independent scribe Séamus Malekafzali, a scallywag dwelling in Beirut, sought weekend fun on the Tinder seas. But lo! Instead of fair maidens, he beheld a frightful missive from his own fleet, promising to rain fire ‘pon his port! Aye, it be a jolly old weekend, eh?

Arrr! Harris be catchin’ up to Trump in the Sun Belt, like a scallywag nippin’ at me treasure!

Arrr! While Trump be sailin' steady, Kamala be risin' like the dawn in four fierce battlegrounds! The lasses, Black crew, and sprightly young scallywags be rallyin' 'round her. Though Trump be claimin' the gold, more hearties see Harris as the true captain to unite the ship! Aye!

Arrr, matey! A wee lad be tossed from school fer wieldin' a finger cannon! What be this world comin' to?

Arrr, a wee scallywag in Tennessee, just ten years young, be sent to Davy Jones' locker for a whole year! He jested with his finger like a blunderbuss, makin' “pew pew” sounds! Blimey, a law so strict it’d make a landlubber weep! Who knew school could be a pirate’s prison?

"Mongolia be givin' Captain Putin a hearty twist o' the blade, arrr! A fine jest on the high seas!"

Arrr, matey! As ol' Vlad grapples with Ukraine stormin' his shores, Mongolia be throwin' a sneaky jab! In their grand scheme, they’ve left out the doubloons for that fancy Power of Siberia-2 pipeline! Gazprom be reckonin' it could've filled their holds with 1.8 trillion treasures, but alas, no gold for ye, Vlad!

August 28, 2024

"Old sea dog from the army be settin' the record straight on Trump’s Arlington hullabaloo! Arrr, what a ruckus!"

Arrr, matey! Veteran Lucas O’Hara be scoffin’ at the notion that Trump be usin' the solemn wreath-layin’ at Arlington to peddle his 2024 dreams. He shared the stage with Tulsi Gabbard and kin o’ the brave, honorin' those who met Davy Jones during a right messy retreat!

Arrr! John Stossel be settin’ sail to poke fun at RFK Jr.’s tall tales, savvy?

Avast, me hearties! Last week, ol' Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tossed his hat overboard and set sail with Captain Trump! Though we clash like stormy seas, at least he chats with scallywags on the other side. In me latest yarn, we parley, while he bemoans the media's silence!

Arrr, matey! Three years under the Taliban's black flag, lasses be hush'd while them scallywags of ISIS and al Qaeda rise again!

Arrr, on the thirtieth of August in the year twenty-one, the last landlubbers of the U.S. set sail from Afghanistan! Now, three winters hence, the Taliban be back at the helm, lettin’ scallywags like al Qaeda rise again, while the lassies be locked in chains tighter than a ship’s hold!

"Arrr, 'tis Trump chattin' with Dr. Phil—me thinks the scallywags be checkin' facts like a parrot on a perch!"

Avast, me hearties! Former Captain Trump took a seat with the good Dr. Phil, spillin' the beans on his foes as the Election Day tempest brews! Aye, the scallywag jabbed at Vice President Harris like a parrot on a cracker, chattin' 'bout borders and doubloons on the Merit Street rigging! Arr!

Arrr, the Republicans be swabbin’ the decks with over a hundred lawsuits ‘fore the November storm brews!

Arrr, matey! The RNC be hoistin’ its sails in this here campaign storm, clashin’ swords over ballots in battleground waters! They be plead’n with the Supreme Court in Arizona ‘bout landlubbers votin’ and even launched a hullabaloo in Detroit fer more scallywags to keep watch o’er the polls!

Arrr! Lawsuits be sailin’ 'round like cannonballs, fightin’ over who be castin’ a vote, ye scallywags!

Arrr, the lawyers be clashin' like krakens over who gets to hoist the sail o' democracy and how many doubloons be counted in the captain's chest! The Democrats be takin' on Georgia's election crew, while the Republicans be raisin' a ruckus in North Carolina and Arizona. Even the Supreme Court be throwin' in their two pieces of eight!

Aye, matey! Lawsuit be aimed to keep the election ship steady 'n' chaos at bay this November! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! In a ruckus ‘fore the grand election of 2024, them Democrats in Georgia be settin’ sail with a lawsuit to keep the seas calm. They be takin’ aim at the State Election Board, who be makin’ rules as tangled as a kraken’s tentacles!

Arrr, matey! Zuckerberg’s missive on Facebook’s shackles be but a clever ruse, nothin’ but smoke and mirrors!

Arrr, this week ol' Mark Zuckerberg be sendin' a missive to Rep. Jim Jordan, claimin’ the Biden crew be givin’ his ship the ol’ “censor” squeeze over Covid tales! He tossed in a wink at Hunter's cursed laptop too. Aye, nothin' new under the jolly roger, matey!

Arrr, Harris be dancin' on the wall like a scallywag at a rum party—one moment fer it, next against!

Arrr, if that lass Kamala be crowned president, she be vowin’ to toss a treasure o’ gold at the wall on the southern shores, a scheme she once deemed as unworthy as a landlubber's scallywag! Aye, she be flippin' like a fish outta water on her old ideals!

Arrr, Republicans be callin' Kamala a swabbin' sea dog, changin' her tune on the wall faster than a ship in a squall!

Arrr, me hearties! The Republicans be callin' Kamala a fickle fish, havin' once spouted that the border wall be a “medieval folly” but now be shiverin' her timbers to expand it! She be parleyin' about revivin' a deal that sunk faster than a cannonball, eh? Avast, what a turncoat!

Arrr, Kamala's stance on the border wall be as clear as a foggy sea in a bottle!

Arrr mateys! A tale from Tuesday be spillin’ that Vice President Kamala be doin’ the ol' flip-flop on Trump’s wall! The scallywags in Washington be scratchin’ their noggins, wonderin’ if it be true! One crew of conservatives be yellin’ that she be tryin' to snatch his treasure! Aye, what a jest!

Arrr, Oasis be settlin' their ruckus, after a squabble fiercer than a kraken's wrath!

Arrr, matey! The jolly band o’ ruffians be settin’ sail on a 14-port tour o’ Britannia and Erin! They be kickoffin’ in Cardiff, then to Manchester and London, before landin’ in Edinburgh and Dublin. Avast, tickets be up fer grabs on Saturday! A right merry reunion, it be!

August 27, 2024

Arrr, Trump be walkin' the plank again, after the high sea judges said, “Nay, matey! Yer not immune!”

Ahoy, mateys! Special counsel Jack Smith be tossin’ a new writ at the ole sea captain Trump, tryin’ to add some wind to his sails after the high court’s grand decree. At 78, Trump still be in hot water for his swabs to change the tide of the 2020 battle! Arrr!

Ahoy! Trump and Kamala be settlin’ the code for a jolly fair debate, savvy? Arrr, what a fine jest!

Arrr, me hearties! In the year of our Lord 2024, Captain Trump be spillin’ the beans! The landlubbers have struck a deal for a ruckus on the debate seas come September 10 in Philly! Same ol’ rules as the CNN brawl, tossin’ Harris’ note-havin’ demands overboard! Avast!

Arrr, Kamala's brother-in-law be robbin' the treasure chest to fill the coffers of the scallywags and shifty lawyers!

Arrr, matey! Young Hunter Biden be the scallywag king of shady dealings, but beware! If the lass Kamala takes the helm, her brother-in-law Tony West be ready to snatch the crooked crown. He be a crafty sea dog, trained in the murky Obama waters! Har har!

Arrr! The Israeli sea dogs be claimin’ they snagged a landlubber from Davy Jones’ Gaza tunnel! Avast, what a tale!

Arrr, matey! Israel’s brave sea dogs be claimin’ they snagged a hapless landlubber from a dark, twisty tunnel in Gaza’s belly! After nearly a year o’ skirmishin’, they rescued Kaid Farhan al-Kadi, a Bedouin, who was nabbed by those scallywags o’ Hamas! Avast, the saga sails on!

"Arrr, it be Farhan Alkadi, caught like a fish in Hamas's southern Gaza net, savvy?"

Arrr, me hearties! On a fine Tuesday afternoon, the brave lads o' the IDF and Shin Bet did swoop down like seagulls on a fishy feast, liberatin' the noble Qaid Farhan Alkadi from the clutches o' those scallywags, Hamas! This hearty soul, father to a whole crew of 11, be safe and sound, lookin' for treasure in health checks at Soroka!

Arrr! IDF buccaneers plundered a hostage from the very spot Biden said, “Nay, mateys! Stay clear!” Aye, what a lark!

Arrr, on the morn of Tuesday, the brave lads of the Israeli Defense Forces be shoutin' of a fine rescue! They plucked Qaid Farhan Alkadi, a landlubber of 52, from the clutches of those scallywags, the Hamas pirates. He be stable and headin' for a healer—ahoy, what a tale!

Arrr, a Texas sea dog be stoppin’ Biden’s scheme fer mateys of migrants! Avast, no love on these shores!

Ahoy, mateys! A landlubber judge in Texas be stoppin' the new Biden scheme for keepin' folks from walkin' the plank! A gaggle o' Republican scallywags be raisin' a ruckus, claimin' it's a treacherous plot to save the spouses of US seafarers! Arrr, it’s a wild sea we sail!

Arrr! Pittsburgh’s sea scallywags o' the Secret Service be on break after a ruckus with Trump, aye!

Arrr, matey! The Captain of the Secret Service in Pittsburgh and a merry band of four scallywags be walkin' the plank of leave, all while the crew be investigatin’ how a young sniper took aim at ol' Trump during his grand speech! Avast, what a right peculiar hullabaloo!

Arrr, the secret crew be docked while they be investigatin’ a missed stab at the ol' Trump ship!

Avast ye! A band o' Secret Service scallywags be sent to the brig for their blunders in thwartin' the dastardly plot on the former captain, Donald Trump! Reports say their ship's in a storm o' criticism, with the head buccaneer from Pittsburgh bein' among the swabs on leave! Arrr!

Arrr, five landlubber Secret Service mates be laid off after the Trump cannonade—talk about a jolly good mess!

Arrr, matey! Five of them Secret Service scallywags be walkin' the plank after a botched attempt on Trump’s noggin! A young gunslinger took a shot at him whilst he gabbed at a rally, givin' him a wee scratch on the ear. What a hullabaloo!

August 26, 2024

Arrr! Tulsi be jumpin' ship, backin' Trump like a scallywag, sailin' with ol' RFK Jr.! Avast, what madness be this?

Arrr, matey! Former lass of the Democratic seas, Tulsi Gabbard, hath hoisted her flag as an independent. Now, she be throwin' her lot in with Captain Trump after that scallywag Kennedy Jr. dropped anchor and tossed his support to the Republican crew. What a jolly hullabaloo, eh?

"Arrr, matey! Heat's been claimin' twice the souls in twenty years—'tis hotter than a treasure chest in the sun!"

Arrr, me hearties! Aye, the grim tally o' heat-related demises be blowin' up like a cannonball, risin' 117% from '99 to '23! 'Twas a scorcher o' a summer, claimin' 21,518 souls over the years. Blimey, stay hydrated or ye might end up in Davy Jones' locker!

"Arrr, why Harris’s daring venture be feelin' more like a jolly jig than Hillary's stormy seas, ye scallywags!"

Ahoy, me hearties! The lasses be decked in suffragist-white, raisin' a toast to the idea of “Madam President!” But lo, eight years since Hillary sailed ‘round as the first fair captain, Democrats be shoutin' a dire warning! The scallywags o’ the Republican crew be causin' chaos for the wenches and their kin!

Arrr, Dean Phillips be ready to swab the deck for any crew, be it Democrat or scallywag Republican!

Arrr, matey! Rep. Dean Phillips, the lone Democrat challengin’ Captain Biden in the 2024 seas, be sayin’ he’d gladly don either a blue or red hat! He aims to lend a hand to this fine crew, even from the shores of a convention in Chicago! Yarrr!

Arrr! Israel and Hezbollah be tossin' cannonballs, then skedaddlin' off, stirrin' the waters whilst Gaza folks be haggling peace!

Arrr! Israel and them Hezbollah scallywags be firin' cannons like mad after a spell of skirmishes. By midday Sunday, the ruckus seemed to quiet, with both crews claimin' they only shot at foes. Three fell in Lebanon, and a lone sailor from Israel joined Davy Jones. Captain Biden be watchin' it all, savvy?

"Ahoy mateys! Israel and Hezbollah be trading cannon fire, and a grand ol' war be brewin’ on the horizon!"

Arrr, matey! Israel be swingin’ its cutlass at Hezbollah’s hideouts in Lebanon, callin’ it a preemptive strike! But lo and behold, them scallywags fired back with a barrel o’ rockets! Tensions be risin’ like a tide, whilst negotiators scurry about for a truce ‘twixt Israel and Hamas! Avast!

Arrr, matey! Harris crew be battlin' hushed speakin' at the ABC squabble, thanks to Biden's silly rule! Har har!

Arrr, me hearties! It be said that Vice President Harris be lookin’ to hoist the sails against a rule set by Captain Biden, where jolly speakers be silenced! In past battles o' wit, all hands could holler, but now, they be wishin' for quiet seas in the 2024 squabbles!

Arrr! No treasure found in Cairo’s talks, as US says mediators be sweat'n like a scallywag for a deal!

Arrr, no parley be struck on the Sabbath in Cairo’s hostage talks, savvy? Both Hamas and Israel be shunning the truce offered by the mediators, makin’ the chances of peace as likely as a mermaid in a storm! Meanwhile, Hamas be firin’ their cannonballs at Israel, raisin’ a ruckus!

Arrr, says Telegram, "Pavel Durov's as clear as a calm sea; no treasure to bury, matey!"

Arrr, matey! Pavel Durov, the Telegram cap’n, be no scallywag! 'Tis ridiculous to blame the ship’s captain for the crew’s mischief. Caught in Paris after a swashbucklin' jaunt from Azerbaijan, he’s as innocent as a landlubber! Moscow be raisin’ a ruckus, but fear not, he’ll sail free!

Arrr, Russia be launchin' cannonballs 'cross Ukraine, makin' Kyiv dark as Davy Jones’ locker! Power’s gone, me hearties!

Ahoy matey! Come mornin’, the scallywags from Russia unleashed a storm of iron upon Ukraine, claimin’ three souls and givin’ their energy grid a right thrashin’. Just after a night o’ drone mischief and weekend blasts that took down a newsy! Arrr, what a ruckus on the high seas of chaos!

August 25, 2024

Arrr! Telegram's captain, Pavel Durov, be caught in the clutches o' the law at a French port!

Arrr matey! Pavel Durov, the scallywag billionaire behind that Telegram treasure map, got nabbed at Bourget airport 'round evening tide! The crows be sayin' he was flyin' his fancy ship from Azerbaijan, and France be wantin’ him on account of an arrest warrant. Aye, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, the captain o’ the Telegram ship, Durov, be locked in a French brig! What a jolly hullabaloo!

Arrr, me hearties! Pavel Durov, the treasure-hunting scallywag o’ Telegram, was nabbed at Bourget airport, flyin' high in his fancy sea bird! The fuzz be after him fer not havin' enough mateys to keep the shipshape chat in order. Avast, the plot thickens like a fine grog!

"Arrr! Telegram buccaneer Pavel Durov caught by the landlubbers at Paris port! Aye, the sea of trouble awaits!"

Arrr, matey! Pavel Durov, the captain of the Telegram ship, be caught by the Paris constables after disembarkin' his fancy jet! The buccaneer flew in from Azerbaijan, and the French scallywags had a warrant ready, lookin’ fer the treasure of free speech! Aye, what a jolly ruckus!

Arrr, the swabs of the Islamic State be takin' blame for the German fest ruckus, while another scallywag be caught!

Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Islamic State be claimin' the blame for a festival fracas in Germany, leavin' three souls at Davy Jones' locker and eight more wounded! The knave aimed his cutlass at Christians, seekin' revenge for his mates in Palestine! A right sorry tale, indeed!

August 24, 2024

Arrr! Kennedy Jr. be hangin' up his captain's hat fer Trump! What be this storm brewin' in the election seas?

Arrr, mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be raisin' the Jolly Roger on his campaign at a news shindig in Phoenix, callin' out the Democratic crew of his kin. He be settin’ sail with Captain Trump instead! Soon after, Trump be callin’ him to the deck at a ruckus in Glendale. Aye, what a merry crew!

Arrr, matey! Will ol' Bobby F. be jumpin' ship, givin' Trump the wind in his sails 'gainst that landlubber Harris?

Arrr, mateys! This Friday, the scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr., once a Democrat, now a lone sea dog, be makin' a grand speech! Rumor has it he’ll toss his hat overboard in this presidential race. Brace yerselves for a jolly ol' tale of his plundering plans ahead!

August 23, 2024

Arrr, RFK Jr. be throwin' in his lot with Trump, puttin' his campaign on ice like a fish in a barrel!

Arrr, mateys! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hoistin’ the white flag on his presidential quest and chartin’ a course for Trump’s ship! In the land of Phoenix, he declared, "Me heart says the White House be a distant isle, so I shan't be askin’ me crew to toil for naught!"

Arrr! RFK Jr. be hangin' up his boots, now hoistin' the sails fer Trump, savvy? A real jolly twist!

Arrr, mateys! Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hoistin' the white flag o' surrender, throwin’ his lot in with Captain Trump! His name still be sailin' on many a ballot, but in the swingin' states, he be walkin' the plank! Aye, what a merry jest!

Arrr! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be raisin’ the white flag, supportin’ Trump in the treasure hunt fer votes!

Ahoy, mateys! Captain Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hangin' up his campaign sails, but not sinkin' the ship! He be callin’ all ye blue-state scallywags to cast yer votes fer him, while lendin' a hearty cheer to ol’ Donald Trump in the tusslin' battle grounds! Arrr!

"Arrr, matey! Presidents be no job-makers, despite what that scallywag Bill Clinton be spoutin'!"

Arrr, mateys! At the DNC's grand shindig, ol' Bill Clinton spun a yarn o' mighty numbers! "I swear on me parrot's honor, I checked thrice!" he exclaimed. "Since the Cold War sank, we’ve conjured 51 million new jobs! Score's a jolly 50 for Democrats, just a lone one fer the landlubbers!"

Arrr! Putin be claimin’ them Ukrainian scallywags aimed a cannon at Kursk’s treasure chest of boom!

Arrr, President Putin be claimin' them Ukrainian scallywags made a sneaky strike on the Kursk power treasure! No proof offered, mind ye, but he be tellin' the UN watchmen about the ruckus. Aye, a fine tale for a stormy night, that be!

Arrr! Putin be claimin' Ukraine aimed their cannons at Kursk's glowin' treasure chest! Blimey, what a ruckus, matey!

Arrr, matey! On the twenty-second day of August, Captain Putin be squawkin’ that them scallywags from Ukraine tried to raid a nuclear treasure in Kursk under the cover of darkness! He be tellin’ the crew ‘bout it on the ship’s screen, and now the IAEA be in the know, yarrr!

Arrr! The UN be sayin' if Kursk don’t cease its ruckus, we’ll be havin' another Chernobyl-sized calamity, matey!

Avast, ye scallywags! The United Nations’ sharp-eyed watchdog be warnin’ that the ruckus ‘twixt them Ukrainian and Russian brigands near Kursk's glowing treasure could unleash a nuclear Kraken! Keep yer cannons away, lest we all be singin' Davy Jones’ lullaby! Arrr!

Arrr, be them housing doubloons causin' inflation's rise in 2024, or just a scallywag's tall tale?

Arrr, me hearties! The price o’ cribs be climbin' higher than a crow's nest, causin’ inflation to soar to 2.9% ‘twixt July 2023 and July 2024! AllSides be shoutin’ from the riggin’, partnerin’ with Gigafact to call out the blarney on the seven seas of news!

Arrr! Kamala be spoutin’ sweet nothings like a parrot on a perch, promise ‘n’ platitudes abound, savvy?

Arrr, mateys! Kamala Harris be makin' her grand debut to the landlubbers of America, regalin' 'em with confident tales 'n shiny smiles! But lo, it be as light as a sailor’s rum—no meat on the bones! Can she keep this jig up for 12 more weeks? We shall see!

Arrr, Kamala be playin' it safe in her DNC yarn — 'tis why the scallywag worked! Avast!

Arrr, matey! The grand hullabaloo o' the 2024 Democratic shindig be wrapped up, with nary a rumble nor a brawl in sight—thank the sea gods! Lil John made a splash, but twas as plain as a plank. The crew in Chicago cheered mighty loud when Vice President Kamala claimed her treasure!

"Kamala Harris be chartin' her own course, but not too far, lest the scallywags get confused, arrr!"

Arrr, mateys! Kamala be squawkin' ‘bout a ruckus fer America’s fate at the grand Democratic hullabaloo! She warns o’ a second Trump voyage, all chaos and peril, whilst she be settin' sail fer fairer shores. “I’ll be a captain o’ common sense, fightin’ fer me hearty American crew!” she boasts. Aye, how she'll brawl be a mystery!

August 22, 2024

Arrr, Trump be stackin’ steel like a pirate’s treasure, tryin’ to outshine the landlubbers in the Democrats' crew!

Avast, matey! On a dusty path ‘neath the scrubby hills of Arizona, Captain Trump hoisted a heap o’ steel beams to show how he be guardin’ the treasure! He brought weepin’ mothers and the local sheriff to shout, “Make America Safe Again!” Arrr, what a ruckus!

Arrr, Trump be battlin' the lass Harris over them pesky landlubber laws about wanderin' souls! Avast, matey!

Arrr, on Thursday, ol’ Captain Trump spun yarns ‘bout poor souls lost to scallywags from afar, all while standin’ by piles o’ iron bones at the border. He be lookin’ to take a jab at Vice Captain Harris ‘bout the immigration seas in this here battleground!

Arrr! Trump be gabbin' like a landlubber by the border, ready to spill beans on Harris's DNC yarn!

Arrr, matey! Captain Trump blabbered at the southern sea’s edge, tryin' to steal thunder from lass Kamala at the DNC ship! He bellowed ’bout Minnesota, claimin’, “We should’ve plundered that treasure twice, but there be plenty o’ mischief afoot! Folks be hushin’ up ‘bout it, savvy?”

Arrr! A ruckus brews in Arizona, the scallywag threatens the captain, just as he lands in our sandy realm!

Avast, me hearties! A grand hunt be afoot in Arizona fer a scallywag who dared to threaten to send ol' President Trump to Davy Jones' locker before his rally! The Cochise County sea dogs be pointin' their fingers at one 66-year-old Ronald Lee Syrvud! Arrr!

"Ye scallywags be rallyin’ ‘round the landlubbers who ain’t committed, protestin’ for a chance to speak, arrr!"

Arrr, Omar and Lee be anchorin' a ruckus 'fore the United Center, beggin' fer a chance to parley! AOC be callin' from the crow's nest, lendin' her support! The crew be sittin' like scallywags, hopin' fer a word from the captain, Tim Walz! Blimey, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr! DHS scallywags be flappin’ their jaws 'bout lost wee ones! Where be me compass when ye need it?

Arrr matey! The scallywags o' Homeland Security be reportin' a right urgent matter! It seems the immigration buccaneers be losin’ track o' over 32,000 wee lads and lasses that wandered off after bein' held in the brig. Blimey, even a parrot could do better!

Avast ye! The landlubber authorities be misplacing 30,000 wee scallywags! Where’s me eye patch? I can’t see 'em!

Arrr, matey! A scallywag audit from the Homeland Sec’rities be revealin’ that ICE be losin’ track of over 30,000 wee lassies and lads! No safeguardin’ 'em from Davy Jones’ crew of traffickers, they be! Inspector Cuffari be soundin’ the alarm—hoist the sails, we got a mutiny on our hands!

Arrr, the Biden-Harris crew be misplacing 320,000 wee scallywags! Avast, they be ripe for nefarious deeds!

Arrr matey! The Biden-Harris crew be misplacing over 320,000 young scallywags who sailed across the border sans guardians, says a mighty shocking scroll! These poor souls be adrift in perilous waters, at risk of all manner of dastardly deeds! Avast, what a fine mess we’ve found!

"Arrr! US colleges be changin’ their codes, readyin’ fer a ruckus o’ anti-Israel hullabaloo on the high seas!"

Arrr, matey! Critics be squawkin' that new rules curtailin’ anti-Israel ruckus on campus be trippin' on free speech. But a clever law professor be sayin’ they just be givin’ a good ol’ shout to rules already in place, keepin’ Jewish and Israeli lads safe from the stormy seas of protest!

Arrr! Trump be jabberin' 'bout snortin', Biden’s health potions, all while jestin’ with the jolly jester Theo Von!

Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump sailed onto "This Past Weekend" with jester Theo Von, spillin' tales far from the campaign seas! He said young Barron be a fan of the jester's jibes. Rumor has it, Dana White be the one who set the sails! They even gabbed about the bottle! Har har!

Arrr! The coin hoarders be splashing doubloons like a fish on land for the 2024 vote, savvy?

Arrr matey! In the year of our Lord 2024, the scallywags of the crypto seas be tossin’ over $119 million doubloons to hoist friendly candidates and sink the skeptics! This be half o' all the corporate treasure tossed in the electoral waters! Aye, ‘tis a grand hoot!

Arrr, matey! Andrew and Tristan Tate caught in Romania’s net, tangled in a right jolly trafficking squabble!

Arrr, matey! The Romanian landlubbers be lookin' fer the Tate scallywags over some naughty business, like shanghaein' and dalliances with wee lasses! They’ve been nabbed faster than ye can say "pirate booty," after the coppers searched their treasure hauls! Time fer a jolly good questioning, I reckon!

Arrr, AOC be callin' the DNC to quit treatin' them Palestinians like scallywags, savvy?

Ahoy, mateys! Rep. Ocasio-Cortez be givin' a good ol' tongue-lashin' to the DNC fer keepin' the Palestinians muzzled on stage! She be hollerin' 'bout honorin' all souls, even those poor wretches caught in the tempest of conflict. Aye, let the voices be heard, or face the wrath of the high seas!

August 21, 2024

Arrr, Tim Walz be sharin' tales of his kin's IVF voyage, but they charted a fresh course, savvy?

Ahoy mateys! In the merry month of March, after Alabama’s court put the kibosh on makin’ wee ones in test tubes, Minnesota’s Gov. Tim Walz shared his trials with his lass, Gwen. He even sent a treasure map of a fundraiser titled “Our IVF Adventure”! Arrr, politics be a jolly sea!

“I be checkin’ Joe Biden’s DNC tale, fer CNN be too scallywag to do it! Har har har!”

Arrr, the scurvy mainstream press, save for that landlubber Daniel Dale from CNN, be as useful as a barnacle on a ship's hull! So, our matey Larry decided to hoist the sails of truth and tackle Joe Biden's yarns himself, lest we be led astray by bilgewater tales!

"Arrr! Six tall tales of that Kamala lass, truth be weigh'd and found wantin', savvy?"

Arrr, matey! Kamala, the fierce lass, be sailin' the seven seas of politics, takin' on the scallywag Trump! She be droppin' her treasure o' claims 'bout gold, health, and other fine booty. BBC Verify be chartin' her course, ready to spill the beans! Avast, the convention be near!

Arrr, matey! Walz be pickin' a first mate, and the scallywags be spoutin' tall tales like a drunken parrot!

Arrr! Vice President Kamala Harris be settin’ sail with Governor Tim Walz o’ Minnesota as her trusty matey at a grand rally in Philadelphia! Now the scallywags be chattin’ online ‘bout his past, but beware, matey, not all be true! Walz be takin’ the stage tonight fer the grand ol’ Democratic shindig!

Arrr! RFK Jr. ponderin’ jumpin’ ship to sail with Trump, who be willin’ to toss him a matey’s role!

Arrr, mateys! Independent sea dog Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be ponderin' whether to abandon ship in the 2024 race and sail alongside that rascally Trump! The Trumpster be sayin’ he’d welcome the lad aboard his crew. Choices aplenty, but beware the treacherous waters of politics, savvy?

August 20, 2024

Arrr, Biden's hidden cannonball scheme: What be the scuttlebutt on his new treasure map, savvy?

Ahoy mateys! Captain Biden’s chartin’ a new course in the seas of nuclear might, settin’ his sights on the ever-growing fleet o’ China’s cannons! This secret scroll, known as "Nuclear Employment Guidance," be gettin’ a fresh inkin’ every four years, but ye won’t find it in any digital cove, just a handful o’ parchment! Arrr!

Arrr! Ye be hearin' that the scallywags in Iran done snuck aboard the Trump ship, hackin' away like bilge rats!

Ahoy mateys! Top seadogs of intel be spillin' the grog that Iran be the scallywags behind the hackin' o’ Trump’s shipshape campaign! It seems they be plottin' to meddle in the 2024 treasure hunt with their crafty cyber cannons! Avast, what a ruckus!

Arrr, matey! Them sneaky Iranians be plunderin’ Trump’s treasure maps, say the wise seers of intelligence!

Avast ye mateys! Word be spillin' that Iran be the scallywags behind the foul hackin' of Trump’s campaign ship! The Yanks be claimin' they aimed to sow chaos and sink our fine democracy! Trump’s crew be accusin’ 'em, but the Iranians be shoutin’, “Nay!” What a ruckus on the high seas!

Arrr, matey! Those scallywags in Iran be plunderin’ the high seas of cyberspace, makin' mischief with Trump and Biden-Harris!

Arrr, matey! The landlubbers o' Washington be sayin' Iran be the scallywags behind the hackin' o' Trump’s ship o' state! They reckon it’s part o' a cunning plot to meddle in our politics and steer the election! Blame be cast, but where be me rum?

"Ye DNC scallywags be givin' free abortives! Pro-lifers be howlin' 'gainst the 'Yell yer Misfortune' scheme!"

Arrr, matey! This week in Chicago, the Democratic crew be givin' away free baby-bustin' services! Planned Parenthood be sendin' their abortion ship to the shindig, handin' out magic potions and mornin'-after charms. The landlubbers be in a tizzy over this jolly giveaway! Har har har!

Arrr! NY Times be spillin' the beans—Georgia's law be makin' it harder fer the Dems to hoist their flag!

Ahoy, matey! With a twist of election denial, the New York Times be spillin' the beans: them Republicans be causin' a ruckus for the left! Four long years o’ grumblin' 'bout drop boxes and wayward ballots, and now the Georgia crew be sportin' common sense! Arrr, what a jest!

Arrr, those young scallywags in Philly be doin' worse 'n the old sea dogs o’ Gen X! Har har!

Arrr, me hearties! It seems them young scallywags born in the Philly ports be flounderin’ in gold doubloons worse than their crafty Gen X mates! The dream o’ climbin’ the social mast be as slippery as a fish in a barrel! Charts be sayin’ it all, savvy?

Arrr! PolitiFact and Capital B be joinin' forces to battle the scallywags spoutin' lies 'bout Black mates this election!

Ahoy mateys! The news brigands o’ PolitiFact and Capital B be joinin’ forces this election season! They’ll be settin’ sail on a sea o’ truths, keepin’ Black hearts informed ‘bout the political tides. So let the knowledge flow, lest ye be caught in a storm o’ deception! Arrr!

Arrr, lookee here! A once loyal matey o’ Trump be spillin’ the beans at the Democrats’ grand shindig! Ha-ha!

Arrr, mateys! This here Stephanie Grisham, once a parley of Trump’s crew, now be settin’ sail for the Democratic shindig! “I never thought I'd be swabbin' the decks with these scallywags, but Trump be a menace to the seas!” she squawks to the crow's nest of NBC! Avast!

August 19, 2024

Ahoy mateys! George Santos be guilty of 23 misdeeds! Seven years in the brig fer him, savvy? Blame be on him!

Arrr, the blubberin' George Santos be spillin' his guts to the landlubber press, lamentin' his scallywag ways! He confessed to swindlin' treasure and usin' credit cards like a drunken sailor! Now he be lookin' at two years in Davy Jones' locker, or maybe seven if the seas be rough!

"Arrr! Joyce Beatty be takin’ a swing at JD Vance! Joe Biden’s up next to parley, me hearties!"

Ahoy, me hearties! The grand Democratic hootenanny be upon us! Captain Biden'll be takin’ the spotlight, while Lady Kamala and Gov. Walz ready to hoist their flags. Expect tales of his half-century swashbucklin’ in politics, as he hands over the ship’s wheel! Yarrr, and the lovely Jill shall speak too!

Arrr, Blinken be sayin' Israel's on board with the ceasefire, now he be tellin' Hamas to play nice, too!

Arrr, me hearties! Captain Blinken be sayin' Israel’s agreed to a truce parley, now it's up to those scallywags in Hamas to give a hearty “aye!” If they do, the swabs of negotiation will gather to plot their course, savvy? Let the sea of diplomacy roll on!

Arrr! Scallywag George Santos finally spills his beans, confessin’ to be a fraudster o’ the highest order!

Arrr, on a fine Monday, the scallywag George Santos confessed to bein' a dastardly fraudster! This lubber be slippin' from 23 charges, yet still might find himself swabbin' the deck for two to twenty years! Avast, the seas of justice be rough for this trickster!

Arrr, matey! Harris be suggestin' to hoist the corporate tax to 28%, tossin' Trump’s law overboard like a barnacle!

Arrr, mateys o’ Chicago! Vice President Kamala Harris be hoistin’ the corporate tax flag to 28%! She be sayin’ it’ll fill the coffers for her grand schemes and make sure them scallywag billionaires pay their dues, so the good folk can keep their doubloons! Avast!

Avast, me hearty! That viral image be naught but a trick o' the AI seas, not true British scallywags bowin’!

Avast, me hearties! A scurvy image on X be claimin' to show UK constables a-bowin' to a crew o' Muslims. But hold yer horses! That claim be a hoax! A savvy sea dog’s scan be shoutin' it’s 99.2% likely a trick of the devil’s own AI! Arrr!

Arrr! Biden be settin’ sail on a scheme fer landlubber mates of US folk to join the crew!

Arrr, matey! Young Miguel Aleman, just a sprightly 39, sailed from Mexico to the States at the tender age of four. Now he be joinin’ the ranks of landlubbers hopin’ to snag a citizenship treasure through Biden’s shiny new scheme. Aye, politics be a raucous sea before the Nov. 5 battle!

Arrr, Republicans be tryin' to shanghai 40,000 Arizonans from castin' their votes this November! Blimey, what scallywags!

Arrr, mateys! The scallywags of the Republican crew be tryin' to shanghai 40,000 landlubbers in Arizona from castin' their votes! They be claimin’ these swabs ain't shown their papers, demandin' the Supreme Court to hoist the anchor on their ballots! A jolly good ruckus, I say!

"Arrr! Pro-choice scallywags an' LGBTQ+ mateys be hoistin' their colors 'fore the grand DNC shindig, ye salty sea dogs!"

Arrr, a scallywag horde o' hundreds be chantin' fer the rights of the fair folk and the bellyaches o' the landlubbers on a fine Sunday eve in Chicago! With Trump’s tower watchin’ like a land shark, they sailed forth to the Union monument, climbin’ like monkeys in the moonlight!

Arrr, matey! Protestin’ scallywags be marchin' like mad as the Democrats hoist their sails in Chicago!

Arrr matey! A shipload o' landlubber activists be settin' course for Chicago this week, ready to raise a ruckus 'bout gold for all, lady rights, and the scallywag war in Gaza. Vice President Harris be stirrin' the pot, but these hearty souls be plannin' to shout their message loud 'n clear!

Arrr! The landlubber Trayon White be nabbed by the scallywags of the FBI! Avast, what a jolly mess!

Arrr matey! On a Sunday morn, the Foul Bureau o’ Investigation snatched up Councilman Trayon White Sr. quicker than a shark at a fish fry! The council be flabbergasted, for this cheeky rogue, set to sail for a third term, be tangled in a mysterious net o’ trouble!

Arrr, DC Council scallywag Trayon White nabbed by the FBI! Even the law be catchin’ us sea dogs now!

Arrr! ‘Twas a Sunday, when Trayon White Sr., the scallywag of Ward 8, found himself in the clutches of the FBI! What be the charges, ye ask? It’s a mystery shrouded in fog! Even the council chief, Phil Mendelson, be confirm’in the tale—integrity be the treasure we seek, matey!

Arrr! Foul winds blow as the FBI chains a councilman for spoutin’ tales of Jewish scallywags meddlin’ with the climate!

Arrr! The FBI be snatchin' a scallywag city councilman in D.C. on Sunday, though the tale be as foggy as a sailor's hangover! Council President Phil Mendelson be spillin' the beans that Trayon White Sr. got nabbed at two bells! The plot thickens like a bowl o' grog, matey!

"Arrr! Western buccaneers be tightenin' their grips on the Russian treasure chest, savvy?"

Ahoy, matey! Fer some landlubber companies in the Russian seas, bein’ virtuous be as senseless as a fish on dry land! SLB, the mightiest of oilfield swabs, be castin’ nets for a thousand scallywags since December, while rivals scurried away like cowards after the Ukraine clash! Arrr!

August 18, 2024

Arrr, the seas be callin' for wise treasure maps, but Harris be tossin' out mere trinkets and baubles!

Ahoy mateys! VP Kamala Harris regaled us with words on Friday, hopin’ to charm the crew 'bout her grand plans fer the economy. But alas, she tossed away the chance, spinnin’ tales of fancy tricks instead! The scallywags be grumblin' still ‘bout pricey grub and Big Macs that cost a king's ransom!

Arrr, Taylor Lorenz from the Washington Post be sayin’ Biden’s “war criminal” jibe be just a cheeky meme, aye!

Arrr, matey! Taylor Lorenz be shiftin' her tale like a ship in a storm! She once called Biden a "war criminal," but now she claims it be edited. But lo! A snapshot reveals her grinnin' with him at a White House shindig, captioned with "war criminal" and a sad face! Blimey!

Arrr, what becometh of that scallywag Candace Owens, eh? Did she sail off into the sunset or walk the plank?

Arrr, matey! Candace Owens, the lass who be flyin' the flag of young conservatism, amassed a fleet o' followers and parleyed with the likes of Trump, she did. But lo! After jumpin' ship from the Daily Wire, she be spoutin' tales that Stalin be a Jewish pirate in a secret crew! Avast!

Arrr! Ukrainian scallywags laid waste in the Kursk caper, while the AP be snoopin’ ‘round a plundered Russian port!

Arrr, a path of mayhem be left in the wake of the brave Ukrainian sea dogs, stormin' the Russian shores! They blasted through the border, and even took a swing at old Lenin’s statue in Sudzha! Aye, the scallywags be claimin’ victory, indeed!

August 17, 2024

Arrr! The high seas of justice be stallin’ Biden’s sex rules in many a port! Avast, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr! A squabblin’ Supreme Court be holdin’ fast, keepin’ the old rules for schools in half the land, while the new protections fer transgender scallywags be under fire! The Biden crew be hollerin’, “Let the changes sail on Aug. 1!” But alas, the court be too divided, savvy?

Arrr! The high court be sinkin' Biden's scheme, sayin' no scallywags in the lassies' games! Savvy?

Arrr matey! The Supreme Court be settin' sail with a 5-4 vote, tossin' aside Biden’s plea to shield the lasses from the swabbers in their privies! Aye, the decree from April be sayin' no to the buccaneers in the lassies' quarters! What a jolly ruckus on the high seas of law!

August 16, 2024

Arrr, the Kremlin be claimin' the West be givin' Ukraine a cannonball or two to rattle Russia's cage!

Arrr, matey! Word be from Moscow that a crafty scallywag close to Cap'n Putin be sayin' the dastardly West plotted Ukraine's sneaky strike on Kursk! Aye, it were the largest raid since the great sea battle of World War Two! The poor ol' bear be red-faced, he be!

Arrr, Kamala be squawkin’ ‘bout the treasure map of the economy—here be the booty ye need to know!

Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala, the fair lass from the high seas of politics, be spillin’ the beans on her treasure map for wealth! She be wantin’ to lower the cost o’ grub and potions, while settin’ sail to save the middle class from Davy Jones’ locker!

Arrr, Kamala be brandishin' a treasure map of gold doubloons—1.7 trillion in booty, and a curse on price gougers!

Arrr, mateys of Raleigh! Vice President Kamala be settin' sail with a treasure chest o' $1.7 trillion in doubloons for the landlubbers! She be givin’ $25,000 to land hoarders and a hearty $6,000 tax break to keep the scallywags fed amidst the stormy seas o’ inflation! Avast!

Arrr! The lawman be showin' moving pictures of a lass meets her doom by the copper's lead—what a tale, matey!

Arrr, in the land o’ New Jersey, officers be sayin’, “Fear not, lass! We wish to aid ye!” But lo and behold, moments later, they shot her dead as a parrot! Aye, ‘tis a fine mess involving Captain Pickens and the lot! What a swashbucklin’ turn of events!

Arrr, matey! The US be snatchin' a scallywag Peruvians' captain, guilty of 23 deeds most foul! Aye, what a catch!

Arrr, matey! A notorious scallywag from Peru, Gianfranco Torres-Navarro, captain of the dreaded “Los Killers,” be caught in New York! Suspected o’ 23 dastardly deeds, he’s now locked up tighter than a treasure chest in Buffalo, awaitin’ his fate like a landlubber in a storm!

Arrr! US scallywags caught a Peruvian sea dog, wanted for spillin' more than two dozen grog, a real menace, aye!

Arrr, matey! On a fine Wednesday morn, U.S. immigration swabs caught a scallywag, Gianfranco Torres-Navarro, a Peruvian buccaneer wanted for twoscore of dastardly deeds! Now, he’s locked up tighter than a treasure chest in Buffalo, awaitin’ his fate, savvy?

"Ahoy! Behold, the grand show of Autocracy in America—where tyranny be the captain and democracy walks the plank!"

Ahoy, mateys! Join Anne and Peter as they chart the treacherous waters o’ tyranny in the good ol’ U.S. o’ A! Democracy ain't sunk by cannon fire, but by a thousand tiny nibbles. They’ve plundered the secrets o’ autocrats, so hoist the sails and lend an ear!

Arrr! Lab-made grub be takin’ on Florida’s foolish law in a court battle, me hearties! Savvy?

Arrr, mateys of Tallahassee! A California crew o' lab-grown fowl be settin' sail for the courts, takin' on Florida's new ban on their fancy meat! Upside Foods be shoutin' that the law be unfairly favorin' local scallywags. Fear not, they say, for ol' meat'll always have its spot at the feast!

Arrr, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be seekin' a parley with Kamala Harris for a shiny Cabinet treasure, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Independent swashbuckler Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be hopin' to parley with the fair lass Kamala Harris about joinin' her crew as a Cabinet matey, should she claim the treasure! But alas, it seems her ship be sailin' on without a reply! Avast!

Arrr! RFK Jr. be swingin' a cutlass at Harris, claimin' he sought a treasure chest in her Cabinet!

Arrr, matey! Independent scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. took to the digital seas, takin’ a jab at Vice President Kamala Harris. He be sayin’ her Democratic crew would baffle his old sea-dogs, his father and uncle! Once a storm in the Biden-Trump waters, now he be sinkin’ in the polls!

Arrr, RFK Jr. be sayin’ he won’t hoist the sails for Kamala, after a parley for treasure!

Arrr, matey! Independent swashbuckler Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be sayin’ he’ll not be throwin’ his vote behind Vice President Kamala Harris, after talkin’ of trades like a pirate’s booty! Rumor has it he be wantin’ a shiny cabinet seat in return for his ye olde endorsement. Avast!

August 15, 2024

"Avast! Hoist the sails for Kamala Harris, the lass who'll steer the ship of state to treasure and merriment!"

Arrr, Vice President Kamala Harris be keepin' her lips sealed tighter than a treasure chest! The scallywags in the press be claimin' her crew be spoutin' words they never uttered. This week, a band o' media swabs known as AllSides be makin' waves with their tall tales!

Arrr! Biden and Harris be raisin' a tankard for a treasure found: cheap potions for all scallywags!

Arrr, me hearties! Joe Biden and Kamala Harris be proclaimin’ themselves the gallant defenders of the old sea dogs, takin’ on the mighty drug barons in a grand battle! “We’ve finally swiped the gold from big pharma!” bellowed Biden, joined by his lassie Harris. Avast, what a ruckus!

Arrr! Biden be takin’ a jab at Trump, callin’ him ‘Donald Dump’ whilst hoisting the unity flag with Harris!

Arrr, President Biden be callin’ that scallywag Trump “Donald Dump” as he be joinin’ forces with Vice President Harris, the fine lass who be takin’ the helm o’ the Democratic ship! They swaggered out to some jolly tune, grinnin’ and wavin’ at landlubbers wantin’ cheaper potions. Aye, what a sight!

"Arrr, Kamala 'n Walz be chattin’ like scallywags, but no treasure o’ policies be found in their banter!"

Arrr, matey! The great Kamala and Gov’nor Walz be chattin’ away, but ‘tis not to the press, hostile or friendly! Nay, they be talkin’ to themselves in a jolly ol’ video, spillin’ naught ‘bout policies. If ye be seekin’ wisdom on the economy or such, ye best keep sailin'!

Arrr, a jury be weighin’ the fate o’ a scallywag gunner who turned a teen into Swiss cheese fer car pilferin’!

Arrr, mateys! A merry band o' jurors be ponderin' the fate o' Jason Lewis, a landlubber accused o' sendin' a wee lad to Davy Jones' locker whilst he be plunderin' carriages! The prosecutin' wench claims it be as clear as the blue seas, with footage showin' him firin' first! Avast!

Arrr! First news scallywags be thinkin' o' plunderin' Kamala's crew fer their tricksy ad tales! Har har!

Arrr, matey! Kamala's ship be takin' on water 'cause she be usin' crafty edits to spin the news in her favor, like a scallywag! WDAY be fumin' like a cannon blast, claimin' their tale made her look like a trusty matey. The storm brews as Biden and she set sail together!

Arrr! Eight ports o' call, includin' fickle seas, be settin' sail to vote on baby makin' in 2024!

Arrr, matey! This November, no less than eight swashbucklin’ states, and maybe three more, be settin’ sail to vote on the matter of abortion! Arizona and Missouri be joinin’ the fray, while Arizona and Nevada be the treasure maps of the 2024 election. Hoist the flags!

"Arrr! Word be out—scallywags nabbed in the curious case o' Matty Perry's watery demise, aye!"

Arrr, matey! In the fair city of Los Angeles, the law has clapped the irons on a scallywag in the curious case o’ Matthew Perry’s fateful tumble into the depths of ketamine! Rumors fly, and more miscreants may be in the brine! Stay tuned, ye landlubbers!

Arrr! Iranian swabs be hackin’ Trump and Biden’s treasure maps, says the mighty Google! Avast, what a jolly jest!

Arrr, matey! A band of scallywags from the Persian seas be plunderin’ emails of U.S. swabs workin’ for Captain Biden and Old Trump! Google’s lookout crew be spyin’ on these sneaky rascals from the Islamic Revolutionary Guard. They thwarted some of their dastardly plots, but the mischief be far from over!

August 14, 2024

Arrr! Columbia’s captain be walkin’ the plank, caught in a storm of critters over her protests ‘gainst Israel!

Arrr, mateys! Minouche Shafik, the captain o’ Columbia’s ship, be settin’ sail early, leavin’ her crew in a ruckus after the Hamas hullabaloo! Her handling o’ the pro-Palestinian squalls drew a mighty cannonade o’ scorn. Now, she’s off to calmer waters, claimin’ it be too stormy fer her kin!

Arrr! The captain of Columbia be cast adrift after a stormy spell on the campus seas! Har har!

Arrr, mateys! The cap'n o’ Columbia, Nemat Shafik, has hoisted the white flag and scuttled away after a tempest o’ ruckus 'bout pro-Palestinian squabbles! She’s the third Ivy League captain to jump ship in eight moons, what with Congress givin’ ‘em a right thrashin’ over antisemitism!

"Arrr! Columbia's head honcho be walkin' the plank, after mishandlin' the ruckus over them Gaza scallywags!"

Arrr, President Minouche Shafik be hangin' up her captain's hat after four moons of stormy seas over them campus ruckuses 'bout the fracas in Gaza. She be sayin' it be weighin' heavy on her crew and kin, like a ship sunk by a kraken! What a jolly hullabaloo!

Arrr, Hurricane Ernesto be a scallywag, knockin’ out the lights and floodin’ Puerto Rico like a rum-soaked ship!

Arrr, mateys! The tempest known as Ernesto be blowin’ like a scallywag, turnin’ into a Category 1 hurricane! It rained and raged upon Puerto Rico, leavin' the land in a right pickle! Now it be chasin' Bermuda with winds as fierce as a drunken sea dog!

Avast, mateys! The World Health Crew be shoutin' 'bout a monkeypox that be scarier than Davy Jones’ locker!

Arrr, me hearties! The World Health Organization be shoutin’ a warning about a scurvy strain of monkeypox, callin’ it a dire threat to all. The Congo’s got a wicked outbreak, makin’ the folks tremble! Let’s hoist the sails on research and vaccines, lest we meet Davy Jones too soon!

Arrr! The World Health Scallywags be shoutin' about a pesky mpox outbreak, callin' it a dire sea emergency!

Arrr, mateys! The grand captain of the World Health Folks be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that the mpox plague be a fearsome scourge across the African seas! Yarr, it’s spreadin’ like a barnacle on a ship’s hull! Gather ye crew, for a storm be brewin’!

Arrr! WHO be soundin' the alarm! A new beastie be risin' in Africa, callin' it a health crisis, har har!

Arrr, mateys! The World Health Organization be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest that the mpox be causin’ a ruckus in Congo and beyond! With scallywags young and old catchin’ it, only a handful o’ vaccines be found in these here waters. Batten down the hatches, 'tis a health emergency!

"Arrr! Germany be huntin’ a scallywag diver for the Nord Stream kabooms, or so the tales do tell!"

Arrr, matey! German scallywags be after a Ukrainian lad, Volodymyr Z, a diving instructor turned mischief-maker! He be suspected o' havin' plundered the Nord Stream pipes, swimmin' deep in the dark seas like a sneaky fish. Aye, what a jolly good tale of underwater shenanigans!

“Arrr, a mighty crew be gatherin' in Slovakia, protestin' the captains' foul treachery 'gainst our democracy! Avast!”

Arrr! On Tuesday, a hearty crew of 20,000 landlubbers swarmed the streets o' Bratislava, shoutin' against Captain Fico’s mischief-makers! Blamin' the scallywags Šimkovičová and Susko fer plunderin' the nation’s culture! Aye, 'twas a rowdy rally, echoing the last day's ruckus from them civic sea dogs!

Arrr! Imane's old sparrin' mate be spoutin' strange tales after the Olympics went all topsy-turvy! Avast, what drivel!

Avast, me hearties! Gold medal lass Imane Khelif be under fire from her old sparrin' matey, Joana Nwamerue. With wild theories 'bout Khelif’s past, she claims, “That scallywag’s got some inner troubles, but he be a man!” Arrr, let’s see if the sea be a’callin’ for proof!

Arrr! Inflation be droppin' like a cannonball, now at a meager 2.9%! Aye, let’s hoist the grog!

Arrr, me hearties! Good tidings for Vice President Kamala Harris and the treasure trove! Inflation be droppin' to a meager 2.9% in July, makin' it four moons of savings! The economists be scratchin' their heads, thinkin' it’d stay at 3%. Aye, the lowest since Biden took the helm!

August 13, 2024

Arrr! Trump be spoutin’ tall tales 'bout Harris conjurin’ ghostly crowds with sorcery, as his ego swells like a bloated fish!

Arrr, matey! That scallywag Trump be forever countin’ his treasure o’ numbers—like gold coins, viewer eyes, and the throngs at his shindigs! Back in 2016, he bragged 'bout his rowdy crew at rallies, claimin' it outshone the polls. And on his first day, he swore his crowd was the mightiest! Har har!

Arrr, matey! Be the crowd at Kamala's rally a trick o' magic or just some scallywag's fancy paintin'?

Arrr, matey! The savvy landlubbers claim that the pic of Lady Kamala’s shindig be doctored, but it be naught but simple filters, not witchcraft of A.I.! Trump be raisin' a ruckus, sayin' her crowd be inflated like a balloon. But where be the crowd’s ghostly reflections, eh? Har har!

"Arrr, the scallywags o' Sudan be starvin’, hunger's takin' the wheel, matey! Time for a feast o' dreams!"

Arrr, matey! Sudan's savage squabble be makin' belly growls echo like a howlin' gale! A fearsome famine be afoot, the likes of which haven’t been seen since 2017. The wise ol' Famine Review Committee be sayin' parts of Darfur be starvin' like a crew lost at sea! Avast!

Arrr, Trump be spoutin' tall tales 'bout Harris' crew usin' sorcery to make crowds look bigger than a whale's backside!

Ahoy! A scallywag from Harris' crew be sayin’ the pic be untouched by no tricksy AI! But lo! Trump be blabbin’ like a parrot, claimin’ she used sorcery to puff up her crowd at the rally. Can't trust a landlubber’s tongue, I tells ya! Arrr!

Arrr! JD Vance be a scallywag, once philosophizin’ like a landlubber, now a ragin' MAGA buccaneer!

Arrr matey! In these treacherous waters, the scallywag David Frum be tossin’ thunderbolts at Trump! But hark! Back in the day, J.D. Vance, a wee blog-scribbler for Frum, sang a different tune 'fore donning his MAGA colors! A right jolly twist o' fate, I say!

Arrr! In Nigeria, landlubbers be bandin’ together against the crown, settin’ sail on a sea o' protestin’ unity!

Arrr, matey! Whether this here camaraderie be a long-lasting treasure or just fool's gold be yet unknown. Though the ruckus died quicker than a ship’s lantern at dawn, the bond forged ‘twixt the scallywags o’ all stripes might just outlast the ruckus itself! Aye, distrust in the king be universal!

Arrr! RFK Jr. be tossed from the New York treasure map fer usin' a scallywag’s address, says the court!

Arrr, matey! Captain Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s quest fer the crown be sunk like a ship in a storm! A wise judge ruled that his supposed New York port be naught but a rented bunk in California's seas! Yarr, no ballot for ye, landlubber!

Arrr, matey! Judge be sayin' RFK Jr. can't sail into NY 'cause his address be as fishy as a sea shanty!

Arrr, matey! The court be sayin’ Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ain't a true New Yorker, and thus ye can’t find his name on the ballot! Judge Ryba called his claim a "foul lie." He be ready to battle this verdict, but if it sticks, he’ll be walkin’ the plank o’ disappointment!

Arrr! RFK Jr. be tossed from the New York list fer claimin' land he don’t be livin' on, says the judge!

Arrr, matey! Independent buccaneer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be tossed off New York’s ballot after a judge declared his claim of a local lair to be naught but a scallywag’s fib! Seems he ain't plannin' to dock in the Empire State anytime soon, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Dem Rep be sinkin’ like a ship, claimin’ Trump be too chicken to spar with Kamala! Ha-ha!

Arrr, Rep. Dan Goldman, that scallywag, be a right shameless landlubber! As a party’s attack hound, he be flounderin' like a fish outta water. With a treasure chest o’ gold and nary a checkmate, he be outsmarted at every turn. Even claimed Trump be quakin' in his boots! Ha!

Avast, matey! Trump spun at least 20 tall tales whilst jawin' with Musk—might as well be fishin' for mermaids!

Arrr, me hearties! Ex-President Trump be lettin’ loose a cannonade of tall tales – a whole 20 of 'em – whilst jawin’ with the treasure-laden Elon Musk on the ship of X. His fibs be older than Davy Jones, coverin’ all seas from immigration to foreign winds! Har har!

Arrr, matey! The judge be sayin’ RFK Jr. can sail on the North Carolina seas o’ ballots! Avast!

Arrr, mateys! In the grand seas o’ politics, the daring Captain Kennedy be stayin’ on the North Carolina parchment! A scallywag judge laughed at the Democrats’ whinin’ and said, "Aye, let the We the People crew sail forth!" Hoist the sails, 'tis a jolly good time for all!

Arrr, Bill be yearnin' fer open primaries across all seas, so every scallywag can cast a vote, savvy?

Avast ye! A new treasure map be drawn in Congress, lettin' 23.5 million landlubbers pick their own scallywags for office! The “Let America Vote Act,” led by Captain Fitzpatrick and his hearty crew, aims to open the gates in 22 states where party folks be hoardin' the booty! Arrr!

"Teach yer wee scallywags to spy the treacherous lies and cursed tales o' the internet seas!"

Arrr, matey! Young scallywags o' England be learnin' to sniff out the foul stench o' lies and mad tales online, says the wise wench Bridget Phillipson! She be revampin' schools so these wee pirates can think straight and battle the cursed conspiracy beasts! What a jolly good plan, eh?

August 12, 2024

Arrr, Trump be settin’ sail fer court, ready to duel the DOJ o’er the treasure hunt at Mar-A-Lago!

Arrr, matey! Old Captain Trump be settin' sail fer a legal battle ‘gainst the Justice Department fer searchin’ his treasure trove at Mar-a-Lago! A judge, handpicked by the captain himself, tossed out the charges o’ hidin’ the king’s scrolls. A right merry mess, it be!

Arrr! Trump be blamin' the world, settin' sail on his silliest court adventure yet! Avast, matey!

Arrr matey! Donald Trump be settin' sail to sue the Justice Department, claimin' they plundered his Mar-a-Lago treasure in a search! His crew be shoutin' “political mutiny!” and demandin’ a chest o’ doubloons worth $100 million for his troubles. A fine jest indeed, ye scallywags!

Arrr, if Trump be back on the high seas of X, let’s hoist the sails and revisit his jests!

Avast ye! The scallywag Musk be lettin’ Captain Trump back on the High Seas of X after three long years adrift! Both mates and fiends be watchin’ for his next squawkin’ tweet. “He’s back!” be the cry, so brace yerselves for a barrel o’ unhinged hilarity! Arrr!

"Arrr! Pregnant lasses be spillin' their blood in bogs, while landlubber doctors quiver like scurvy dogs! What be this madness?"

Arrr, matey! Kyleigh, in a sea o' pain, didn’t know her cursed cargo could sink her ship! The doc’s at Ascension Seton tossed her a pamphlet, sayin’ “let the winds blow.” Three days later, still bleedin’, they finally shot her cannon—but alas, the treasure was lost! Har har!

Arrr! RFK Jr., in a squabble o' residency, be declarin’ he 'owns' a treasure trove in New York!

Ahoy, me hearties! Presidential matey Robert Kennedy Jr. be stirrin' the pot, claimin' he owns a wee shack in New York! He be askin', "What’s a scallywag who pays taxes and votes there? A true New Yorker, savvy?" Aye, let the legal squabbles commence, ye landlubbers!

Arrr, matey! Kamala’s coin sense outshines Trump’s treasure map, makin’ her the captain of the economy ship!

Arrr, me hearties! A new poll be sayin' more landlubbers trust Kamala Harris with the doubloons than ol' Trump! After Biden sailed off from the race, the winds of change be blowin'—first time since the start of this hullabaloo! Avast, what a turn of tide!

"Arrr! ‘Never’ Harris be spillin’ the beans on how them Border Patrol scallywags feel 'bout Kamala, matey!"

Arrr, matey! The scallywags of the Border Patrol be sayin’ they trust ol’ Biden more than lass Kamala! Not a single one be raisin’ their quill to vote for her in November, claimin’ she be no friend to their salty crew and the mission set by the crown!

Arrr! It be lookin’ like the scallywags be settlin’ down, as ruckus in the ports be droppin’ like a lead anchor!

Arrr, matey! Fresh reckonin' from the bustling ports o' the U.S. be showin' a grand plummet in ruckus and mayhem—over 25% in some haunts! The COVID scourge be retreatin’, leavin’ ol' Trump and his scallywags with nary a cannonball to fire at the Democrats! Har har!

"Arrr! The lawmen stormed this fair lass's ship! Will she ever find her treasure of justice, or be left marooned?"

Aye, on a morn in 2017, Curtrina Martin be thinkin' she be witnessin' a grand firework show akin to the Fourth of July! But alas, it be just the FBI bustin' down her door, lookin' fer a scallywag in the next house! They’d find out too late, arrr!

Arrr, Elon’s X be catchin' heat with nine grumblings fer swipin' EU mateys' secrets fer trainin' his grog-sippin' Grok!

Arrr, matey! X, the scallywag platform run by Captain Musk, be under fire for plunderin' the data of EU landlubbers to train its Grok AI beastie, without so much as a by-your-leave! An astute sailor spied the sneaky scheme, causin’ a right ruckus from the Irish crew!

"Arrr! Lin Yu-ting be weepin' for joy, claimin' gold in the Olympics, while the gender squabble rages like a stormy sea!"

Arrr, matey! In the grand ol' bout o' the Paris Games, the lass Lin Yu-ting snagged the shiny gold just a day after another. She bested the Polish wench, Julia Szeremeta, in a right fine scuffle, makin’ the air her own canvas as she danced with glee! Aye, she ruled the ring like a true buccaneer!

Arrr! US spies be throwin' in the towel, sayin' Iran's still playin' with their bomb-makin' toys!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags at U.S. intel be squawkin’ that Iran may be back to makin’ their boom-booms! Aye, ’tis a twist from the tales spun since 2019. In July 2024, they spilled the beans to Congress, tossin’ out the ol’ yarns like yesterday’s fish! Yarrr!

August 11, 2024

Arrr, Harris be mimickin' Trump’s no tax on tips at a Nevada shindig—pirate’s gold be flowin’, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Vice President Harris be swearin’ to shiver the timbers of tip taxes in Las Vegas! But lo and behold, former President Trump be callin’ her a copycat for borrowin' one o' his grand schemes. 'Tis a right merry mess o' squabblin' on the high seas of politics!

"Arrr, matey! Newsom be tossin' gold at the homeless like it's a treasure map, but the crisis still be a-sailin'!"

Arrr, Governor Newsom be swabbin' the decks o’ California, threatin’ towns with a bust o’ gold if they don’t haul off the scallywag encampments! Spotted pickin’ up refuse like a landlubber in Los Angeles, he be tryin’ to tidy up the ship! Aye, those homeless buccaneers be settin' up camp everywhere!

Arrr! Trump’s crew be claimin’ them scallywags from Iran raided their treasure chest o’ emails! Avast, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, matey! The ol' captain Trump be claimin' his campaign’s been boarded by scallywags from Iran, swipin' secret scrolls! No proof to show, but it be coincidin' with a tale from Microsoft about foreign buccaneers causin’ mischief! Beware the spear-phishin’ emails, me hearties!

Arrr, Tim Walz be spoutin’ tall tales ‘bout wieldin’ cutlasses in battle, says his crew o’ scallywags!

Arrr, mateys! It be said that Gov. Tim Walz be slippin' his tongue like a fish outta water in a 2018 tale! The landlubbers o' the GOP be givin' him a right good thrashin' fer his sea legs in battle. Fear not, for he be honorin' all brave souls, aye!

Arrr! US claims El Chapo's lad gave up, but El Mayo was snagged like a fish, against his will!

Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. treasure keepers in Mexico be sayin' that young Guzman Lopez, spawn o' the notorious "El Chapo," did turn hisself in willingly. Meanwhile, the old sea dog Zambada be dragged in like a scallywag! Both be claimin' innocence, but their lawyers be spoutin' tall tales!

August 10, 2024

"Arrr, matey! The treasure of low mortgage rates be found, plunderin’ the highest waves for over a year!"

Avast, mateys! This week, the treasure of low mortgage rates be shining bright, droppin' to a hearty 6.47%! Aye, after last year’s stormy seas of high interest, homebuyers can now breathe easy. So hoist the sails and grab yer gold, for smooth sailin’ be ahead!

Arrr, matey! The treasure o' mortgage rates be sinkin' to plunderin' lows not seen in a year and more!

Avast, me hearties! The gold coins be treasurin' at a rare low tide, with mortgage rates droppin’ to a scallywag’s 6.47%! Hope be afloat in the stormy seas of the U.S. housing market. Let’s hoist the sails and celebrate this fair wind! Yarrr!

Arrr! The treasure of mortgage rates be plummetin’ to the depths unseen in a year, me hearties!

Arrr, mateys! This week, the treasure o' mortgage rates took a mighty dive, settlin’ at 6.47%, down from 6.73%! Seems the landlubbers overreacted to a scallywag report 'bout jobs. Fear not, for our ship o' economy be steady as she goes, says Captain Sam Khater!

August 9, 2024

"Arrr! I be a lass! Gold in me grasp, I’ll scuttle me foes like a ship in a storm!"

Arrr, matey! One last foe lay vanquished, gold medal gleamin' 'round Imane Khelif's neck, but the lass be far from finished! In the post-fight parley, she swung at critics harder than a cannonball, lettin' 'em know she be fightin' fit, no matter what scallywags be sayin'!

Arrr, Imane Khelif be claimin' gold, but what be the future o' this ruckus sport? A puzzlin’ treasure, indeed!

Arrr, me hearties! In the fair city of Paris, lass Imane Khelif, that fiery Algerian wench, be a gold medalist now! Her brawlin' with China’s Yang Liu stirred a mighty tempest in the boxing seas. What be next, ye ask? Aye, it might just sink the whole sport!

"Arrr, lass Khelif snatched the shiny gold, even with the rumor waves crashin' about her true identity!"

Avast ye! In the grand port of Paris, the lass Imane Khelif, a fierce Algerian pugilist, snatched a shiny gold doubloon on Friday! Battlin' like a true sea dog, she thrashed Yang Liu of China 5:0, all whilst dodgin' jests about her womanly ways. Huzzah! Crowds be roarin’ like a tempest!

Arrr, matey! Harris be takin’ queries, promise to spill the beans by August’s end! Yarr!

Arrr, Vice President Harris be dodgin' the press like a slippery sea serpent in Michigan! She be hopin' fer a long chinwag before the month’s end, but the Trump crew be givin’ her the ol’ stink-eye fer hidin' from questions since she hoisted her sails for the White House!

"Arrr, Kamala Harris be shunning the interview seas! Be there any queries from ye scallywags?"

Arrr, the scribes be hounding Vice President Kamala Harris fer answers, but she be as tight-lipped as a treasure chest! Since Captain Biden sailed away from the race, she’s dodged the press like a scallywag. Only at a Michigan rally did she finally spill the beans—sorta!

Arrr, Kamala be sayin’ she’ll snag an interview in 24 suns, after Trump be laughin’ at her press woes!

Arrr, Vice Captain Kamala be hopin' to parley with the press afore the month be up, savvy? After the scallywag Trump be callin' her dim-witted, she’s set a measly 24-day quest fer a chat! “I be talkin' to me crew,” she be sayin’. Aye, let the games begin!

Arrr, Justice Gorsuch be sayin’ we landlubbers got a heap o’ swabbin’ to do on manners, aye!

Arrr, Justice Gorsuch be spoutin’ wisdom, sayin’ our laws be bloomin’ like barnacles 'cause we be mistrustin’ each other! He be callin’ fer a hearty chat 'twixt us scallywags, remindin’ us to take our licks as well as our spoils! Aye, civility be the treasure we seek!

"Arrr! X be stuck in Venezuela fer ten days, while Maduro and Musk be bickerin' like scallywags over the crown!"

Ahoy, mateys! In Caracas, Cap'n Maduro be sayin' he’s shut down X fer ten days, claimin' ol' Elon Musk be stirrin' up a storm o' hate after a dodgy election! Reports say posts be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship! Blimey, Musk be breakin' his own rules, aye!

Avast, mateys! Captain Biden and First Mate Harris sail together again, after he tried to abandon ship! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! Next week, Captain Biden and First Mate Harris be settin' sail to Maryland, chattin' 'bout how to lighten the treasure burdens of the good folk! ‘Tis their first voyage since she took the helm! But shiver me timbers, they be keepin' the map secret!

Ahoy! Raise yer grog! The congressional budget be turnin' 50—may it sail smooth, or sink like a treasure chest!

Ahoy, mateys! Captain Biden's crew tossed a right grim scroll to Congress, sayin' the treasure chest be $1.87 trillion short for 2024! Aye, by year's end, we be swimmin' in a $37 trillion sea of debt! This news be blowin' in on the 50th birthday of the budget law, savvy? Arrr!

August 8, 2024

Arrr! Mortgages be droppin’ like a cannonball from the crow’s nest—lowest in a year, matey! Grab yer doubloons!

Arrr, matey! This week, the treasure of mortgage rates be sinkin’ like a cannonball, thanks to some feeble job numbers! The Federal Reserve be thinkin’ of slashin’ interest rates next month. Aye, a fine wind blowin’ fer the sorry state of the landlubber’s housing market!

Arrr! Trump be sayin' he’ll parley with Harris on ABC News, like two scallywags fightin’ over treasure!

Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be settin’ sail fer a ruckus with Vice President Kamala on the 10th o' September! He be spillin' the beans at his treasure trove, Mar-a-Lago. Harris be ready to parley too! Aye, let the jests and jabs commence on the high seas of debate!

Arrr! The salty squabble 'twixt Trump and Harris be set to sail again, if only for a single moonlit night!

Arrr, matey! Former Captain Trump be settin' sail for three debates with Miss Kamala, seekin' to clear the fog o' confusion! Mark yer maps for Sept. 4, 10, and 25, as the crew o' Fox, NBC, and ABC be ready to hoist the sails o' discourse! Avast!

Arrr! After two moons adrift, them space-farin' scallywags might just find a way back to the salty sea!

Arrr, matey! After bein’ adrift in the sky for two moons, our brave space-farers Butch and Suni might just hitch a ride home! The ol’ Boeing be givin’ trouble, so NASA be thinkin’ of plunderin’ a SpaceX vessel instead. Aye, let’s hope they don’t be walkin’ the plank!

Trump be crankin' the cannon on Harris fer hidin' from the press, arrr!

Arrr, matey! Captain Trump be givin' a right thrashin' to Miss Kamala 'bout her fear o' the press! He’s settin' sail fer a grand parley at 2 bells on Thursday at his fancy treasure cove, Mar-a-Lago. Aye, it be her first chance to face the scallywags!

Arrr, Trump be claimin’ Kamala’s a pick o’ political correctness, but he be ready fer three rounds with her!

Arrr, me hearties! The ol' captain Trump be takin' a jibe at Vice President Kamala, claimin' she be chosen for bein' all politically proper-like and can’t parley worth a barnacle! He called her the most despised matey in the crew, never earnin' a vote but sailin' the seas o' politics!

"Arrr! Aye, 'tis a crew seekin' to hoist the sails o' olden days on the seas of gender!"

Arrr, mates! Husbands be the captains o’ the ship, workin’ like dogs to fill the belly. Wives be keepin’ the cabin shipshape and raisin’ the wee ones. Aye, some landlubbers be frettin’ 'bout the good ol' family ways, shunnin’ any scallywags who stray from their charted course!

"Arrr! Elon’s tall tales o' elections be catchin’ 1.2 billion eyes on the X, says the savvy parrot!"

Arrr, matey! It be said that ol’ Elon, the captain of X, spun yarns about the U.S. election, garnerin’ a treasure trove of 1.2 billion peepers! The scallywags at the Center for Counterin’ Digital Nonsense be countin’ 50 tall tales, all debunked, yet still sailin’ the digital seas! Har har!

"Arrr! A hullabaloo! Ukraine be plundering Russia, callin' all hands to deck in a state of high seas emergency!"

Arrr, me hearties! A ruckus be afoot in Kursk, where them Ukrainian scallywags be plunderin'! Governor Smirnov be raisin' the alarm, sayin' it’s time to shoo away the pesky foes. Alas, five poor souls be joinin' Davy Jones, and 31 be sportin' a few new bruises!

Arrr! Imane Khelif be sailin' the seas of controversy, plunderin' her way to the gold medal showdown!

Arrr, matey! Imane Khelif be battlin' fer shiny gold! The lass from Algeria, with her sea legs questioned, sailed into the final round o' the 66 kg brawl in Paris, bestin' Janjaem Suwannapheng by unanimous vote! Though no cannon fire, 'twas clear she ruled the deck, savvy?

"Arrr! The good ol’ US be tossin’ Ukraine a mighty treasure of $3.9 billion in shiny doubloons!"

Arrr, mateys! The Ukrainian captain Denys Shmyhal be shoutin' from the crow's nest that the good ol' US of A dropped a treasure chest of $3.9 billion into their coffers! Aye, 'tis the first bounty of 2024, with more loot to sail in, makin' it $7.8 billion in total! Avast!

Arrr! Airbnb’s treasure chest be lighter by 14% as the landlubbers fret o’er wanin’ demand in the colonies!

Arrr, matey! The Airbnb treasure sunk 14% in the night tide, as their doubloons fell short of the wise seafarers’ forecasts. They be speakin’ of a slowdown in landlubber demand! Earnings per share be 86 cents, when they be hopin’ for 92! The gold still flows, but not like before!

Arrr! Taylor Swift's shindig in Vienna be scuttled ‘cause of a scallywag plot to blow the hull!

Arrr, mateys! The powers that be have scuttled three of Miss Swift's shindigs in Austria, claimin' they thwarted a dastardly plot! Now, the good folk o' Vienna be feelin' as blue as a barnacle, and the businesses be shiverin' in their boots! Aye, safety first, but what a jolly mess!

Arrr! Prosecutors claim Hunter Biden pocketed doubloons from a Romanian scallywag tryin’ to sway the U.S. seas o’ policy!

Arrr, mateys! Special Counsel Weiss be spillin' the beans, claimin' Hunter Biden pocketed gold from a sneaky Romanian scallywag lookin’ to bend Uncle Sam’s ear. Next month, they be settin' sail with proof in the tax case, callin' for the court to toss Biden's fancy requests overboard! Yarrr!

August 7, 2024

Arrr! JD Vance be callin' Tim Walz a scallywag for spoutin' fibs 'bout his sea legs! Stolen valor drivel, I say!

Arrr, Sen. JD Vance be callin' out Gov. Tim Walz for slippin' his military duty like a greased pig and spinnin' tall tales 'bout bein' a sea dog veteran! At a ruckus in Detroit, Vance laughed, claimin' he rose from the depths of poverty, not from the Ivy League seas!

“Arrr, them scallywags be pickin’ apart Walz’s seafarin’ tales, claimin’ he be no true matey in the military!”

Arrr! It be said that Cap'n Walz, when the call of battle rang, he be settin' sail for politics instead! Aye, he abandoned ship just as his crew was off to Iraq! That be a fine mess for the landlubbers to chew on!

"Arrr, 'tis a shameful sight! JD Vance be callin' Tim Walz a scallywag for skedaddlin' from the National Guard!"

Arrr, mateys! Republican scallywag J.D. Vance be callin’ out ol’ Tim Walz for makin’ a cowardly dive from the Army National Guard like a rat from a sinking ship ’fore sailin’ to Iraq! Them veterans be claimin’ he left ‘em high and dry—shameful, I say!

"Arrr! With Roe v. Wade tossed to the briny deep, the scallywags be shiverin' and abortin' like never before!"

Arrr, matey! After the high court’s decree to scuttle Roe v. Wade, it seems the landlubbers be havin’ more wee ones aboard! A report says scallywags in blue states be usin' magic screens to help the desperate. With the elections on the horizon, the tides be shifting!

Arrr! Democrats be longin’ fer a scallywag like Tim Walz since the days of yore, matey! Aye, a true treasure!

Arrr matey! At times, a fancy carriage would roll up our stony lane, and a landlubber in a dapper suit would leap out. He'd be peddlin' overpriced trinkets or seekin' to plunder our land, which me granddad said, “Ye can’t trade it for naught, as they be makin’ no more!” After a handshake, he’d be off. "Count yer fingers, lad!" growled Grandpa Arnie.

Arrr, Florida’s Space Coast be holdin’ fast fer an inbound cannonball from yon Elon Musk! Avast, me hearties!

Arrr, matey! This be sacred turf for the U.S. sky sailors, where NASA charted a course to the moon many moons ago! Florida’s Space Coast, filled with palm trees, be preparin’ for a sight more bizarre than a three-headed sea serpent—Elon Musk's colossal Starship, the mightiest cannon in the heavens!

Arrr, in Walz's Minnesota, ye'll find sluggish growth, ruffians aplenty, wayward migrants, and wee lasses in pirate surgery!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags o' the Democrat crew be tryin' to spin a tall tale 'bout Governor Walz bein' a fine first mate fer Kamala! But lo! Under his watch, Minnesota be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole below deck, laggin' behind like a landlubber in a race!

Arrr, Imane Khelif be the victor! Chatterin’ ‘bout her be a greater loss than a ship without a crew!

Arrr matey! Not long past, I spied a ruckus of fisticuffs from the year twenty-one! Young Imane Khelif, a lass from Algeria, took to the ring in Tokyo, sparkin’ chaos in the landlubbers’ minds! The announcer be sayin’ Harrington’s skills be grand while Khelif danced like a drunken sea dog! Har har har!

August 6, 2024

Arrr, Kamala’s decree be lettin' in scallywags faster than a ship can sail! A right merry mess it be!

Arrr, mateys! Kamala be vowin’ to keep the Biden-Harris border shenanigans afloat! But lo and behold, the parchment from June be lettin’ in scallywags and landlubbers alike! It be sayin’ the Homeland Chief can let in any swab who sails up proper-like! Yo ho, what a merry mess!

"Arrr, Tim Walz be favorin' Israel, yet wary sea dogs be hopin' for calmer waters, savvy?"

Arrr, me hearties! Vice President Kamala Harris be makin' her matey known: Minnesota's own Gov. Tim Walz, a jolly good fellow with a heart of gold! But beware, for his compass ain't always pointed to progress! With the winds of Gaza blowin' fierce, many a sailor be questionin' the captain's course!

Arrr, Harris and Walz be settin' sail in battleground waters, as the VP’s mate be meetin' the good folk!

Ahoy, me hearties! In the fair port of Philadelphia, Governor Walz be a stranger to most landlubbers 'cept those from Minnesota. But as Vice President Harris named him first mate for the 2024 voyage, the crew be shoutin’ his tale across the seven seas of social media! Yarrr!

"Arrr! Walz be makin’ his debut, takin’ sharp jabs at the Trump scallywag! A fine show for the crew!"

Arrr, matey! Minnesota's Gov'nor Walz be makin' his grand entrance, joinin' Vice President Harris at a raucous shindig in Philly! He be takin' on that scallywag Trump, tryin' to keep the Democrats' spirits high! A mighty crew of 10,000 gathered, the biggest haul yet! What be this election all 'bout, ye ask?

Arrr! Kamala be givin' the cold shoulder to a fine Jew, favorin' a Bernie matey lovin' 'neighborly' socialism instead!

Arrr, matey! Vice Captain Kamala be settin’ sail with Tim Walz, the merry lad of Minnesota, leavin’ Josh Shapiro, the Jew of Pennsylvania, in the dust! Shapiro was the favorite to join her crew, but Walz’s ship be catchin’ the wind with some jolly progressive winds! Aye, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr! The landlubber coach, once teachin’ the young scallywags, be now pickin’ a seat beside Captain Harris!

Arrr, with a line as viral as a cursed treasure map—“these scallywags be odd!”—Tim Walz be sailing into the race for Kamala’s first mate! At 60, he’s a hearty sailor, a schoolmaster, and a gridiron buccaneer, ready to clash with the Republican cutthroats! Blimey!

Arrr, who be this Tim Walz? A sly sea-dog governor, charm'in the stiff-lipped Republicans like a siren's song!

Arrr, matey! Minnesota's cap’n Walz be catchin' the web's eye, callin' them Republicans a bunch o' odd sea critters! His jests be sailin' far and wide, makin' him the first mate to Kamala’s captaincy. He lists what we Democrats be wantin', and he’s steered fine in rough waters!

"Arrr! Former Trump matey Jenna Ellis be swabbin' the deck in the case o' them scallywag electors!"

Arrr, matey! Jenna Ellis, once the legal parley for Cap’n Trump, now be spillin' the beans on her scallywag mates in the Arizona rigged election caper! In return fer her testimony, the state buccaneers be lettin' her off the hook. Aye, first of many to walk the plank!

August 5, 2024

Arrr! Google be takin' a mighty tumble, matey! A judge says they played foul in the grand treasure hunt!

Arrr! On the high seas o’ justice, a federal judge hath landed a cannonball on Google’s hull! The ol’ search scallywags be found guilty o’ hoardin’ treasure and lettin' no one else in the chest! Judge Mehta be callin' 'em a true monopolist, savvy?

Arrr, the scallywags at Google be hoardin' all the treasure o' search, says the court! Avast, me hearties!

Ahoy, mateys! A U.S. judge be sayin’ Google be guilty of hoardin' treasure and creatin' a monopoly, aye! They spent a king’s ransom to be the top searchin' ship on the digital seas. A second trial be comin’, and perhaps we’ll see Google split like a treasure chest! Arrr!

Arrr matey, the lawmen and landlubber states be sinkin' Google’s treasure ship in a searchin' scuffle!

Arrr! The Justice crew and a fleet o' state attorneys be celebratin' a grand victory over the scallywag Google! A judge declared the search giant a thievin' monopolist, hoardin' 90 percent o' the treasure in the online search seas, thanks to a sneaky deal with Apple’s Safari! Yarrr!

"Arrr! A judge be sayin’ Google’s hoardin’ the treasure o’ search be a scallywag’s crime, savvy?"

Arrr, on the mornin’ of Monday, a wise judge declared that Google be a scallywag, usin’ its mighty search engine to keel-haul the competition! This news be stirrin’ the seas of the internet, threatenin’ to shackle one of the finest treasure fleets in the digital realm! Avast!

Arrr, Clarence Thomas be settin’ sail from the Supreme Court ship 'cause o’ Trump’s trial hullabaloo! What a merry ruckus!

Ahoy, me hearties! Justice Clarence Thomas, the rogue of the Supreme Court, went against the crew on Monday, stoppin' Missouri from takin' a swing at New York over ol' Alvin Bragg's chase after Captain Trump. That scallywag's been found guilty o' 34 misdeeds and faces the hangman’s noose come September! Arrr!

Arrr, Bloomberg tossed Jennifer Jacobs overboard fer spillin' the beans on a Russian captive yarn! Ho ho!

Arrr! Bloomberg tossed Jennifer Jacobs overboard after she spilled the beans on a prisoner trade that freed the WSJ scribe, Evan Gershkovich, before the captain gave the all-clear! The lass, a White House scribe, penned the tale, but alas, she set sail too soon, breakin' the embargo! Huzzah!

Avast! Don’t be fretful o’er the market’s plummet! The Fed be thinkin' 'bout slashin' rates, savvy?

Arrr, the markets be sinkin' like a ship with a hole, matey! Japan’s treasure chest dipped a hefty 12.4%! South Korea and Taiwan ain't faring much better, down over 8%! If ye be feelin' bold, now’s the time to plunder those stocks at a discount! Otherwise, batten down the hatches!

"Arrr! Pentagon be givin' up their last stronghold in Niger, while madmen be dancin' in the Sahel!"

Avast, me hearties! The U.S. Navy be packin’ up its last stronghold in Niger, leavin’ local lads to fend off the scallywags of extremism! A crew of brave souls sailed away on a fine cargo ship, abandonin’ a fancy $110 million treasure trove built by the Pentagon. Arrr!

Arrr, the US be thinkin' Iran's fixin' to unleash a storm on Israel, Biden's gatherin' his salty crew!

Arrr, President Biden be gatherin’ his crew o’ security swabs in the situation cabin on Monday, discussin’ the ruckus in the Middle East! Word be that a scallywag from Iran be fixin’ to strike Israel. He’ll also parley with King Abdullah of Jordan, o' course! Avast!

Arrr, matey! Harris and her trusty first mate be settin' sail to Pennsylvania this Tuesday, savvy?

Arrr! On the morrow, Vice President Kamala Harris be settin' sail in Philly with her new matey for a grand rally! They'll be chattin' with landlubbers ‘bout why they ain’t like that scallywag Trump. Aye, first of many swashbucklin’ adventures together, me hearties!

Arrr! Blinken be sayin’ Iran and Hezbollah might be settin’ sail fer Israel in a day’s time, matey!

Arrr, mateys! Secretary Blinken be warnin’ the G7 crew that them scallywags from Iran and Hezbollah might unleash their fury on Israel come Monday! He be tryin’ to whip up some last-minute diplomacy to keep the cannon fire at bay. Let’s hope they listen, lest we all walk the plank!

August 4, 2024

Arrr, matey! Thievin' be up 24% this year, an' it be lookin' like the scallywags ain't stoppin' soon!

Arrr, matey! In the year o' our Lord 2024, thievin' has soared like a crow's nest parrot, makin' shops flee the cities faster than a scallywag with a stolen booty! While the White House prances 'bout a drop in shiverin' violence, the cutthroats be pilferin' more than ever—24% in just half a year!

Arrr matey! Djokovic snatched gold from Alcaraz in the tennis duel, claimin' victory like a true sea dog!

Arrr, matey! After hoardin' Grand Slam treasures and sittin' atop the rankings like a ship's captain, Novak craved an Olympic gold doubloon for Serbia—his last prize! At 37, he snatched it in a fierce duel with young Carlos! "I put me heart, me soul, and a parrot’s squawk into it!" Ha!

Arrr, the Vatican be downcast, matey! Olympic jesters be mockin' the Last Supper, and that be no treasure!

Arrr, the Vatican be feelin’ blue over a jolly jest at the Paris Games, mockin' da Vinci's grand feast! They cried, “Alas! We be wounded, joinin’ the chorus o’ the offended faithful!” Aye, even the Pope be shakin’ his head at such antics, matey!

Arrr, the Trump crew's Project 2025 be ruffling the feathers of loyal sea dogs! Blimey, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, matey! The Trump crew be battlin' hard against the Project 2025 storm, but it be givin' the good ol' conservatives a right case o’ the jitters! They fear Captain Trump be tossin' overboard his loyal crew ‘cause o’ some fancy policy chart. Aye, it be a slippery sea ahead!

August 3, 2024

Arrr! The Biden-Harris treasure map be on hold, matey! Too many scallywags swindlin' the gold!

Arrr, me hearties! The Biden-Harris crew has scuttled a dubious scheme that let a horde of scallywags from four lands sail right into the U.S. each month! Turns out, the whole rig was more crooked than a two-headed coin! No more free passage for them rascals!

Arrr, a scallywag lawyer in Florida be confessing to wantin' to blow up the Chinese embassy—talk about a daft plan!

Arrr, matey! A scallywag lawyer from Florida be confessin’ to tryin’ to blow up the Chinese embassy with a rifle, and he took aim at a statue o’ them commie blokes, Lenin and Mao! A real landlubber he be, settin’ sail for trouble! Avast, he be awaitin’ the captain’s judgment!

"Arrr, me hearties! The Yanks be marooned in Russia after a swap o' prisoners—what a jolly mess, eh?"

Avast, mateys! Word sailed 'round that Moscow's birds were flappin’ for a grand prisoner swap! Marc Fogel, a landlubber teacher, caught three years o’ a 14-year sentence fer sneakin’ in a wee stash of green. He claimed it be fer his achin’ bones! Blimey, what a pickle!

"Arrr! A scallywag raid on Somali sands sent 37 good souls to Davy Jones' locker, claims the landlubber minister!"

Arrr, matey! A fine Friday feast turned foul, with 37 landlubbers sent to Davy Jones' locker and 212 left worse for wear at a beach tavern in Mogadishu! Blame the scallywags of al Shabaab, says the health captain. Aye, ‘tis the deadliest shenanigan in these waters for some time!

August 2, 2024

Arrr! Dow be sinkin' 600 fathoms, Nasdaq takin' a tumble after a sorry jobs report! Hoist the sails!

Arrr matey! On Friday, the stocks took a dive sharper than a cutlass, after news o’ a pitiful jobs report. The market index be droppin’ 1.84%, while the Nasdaq sank 2.43%! Even the Dow Jones be feelin’ the sting, fallin’ over 610 points! Aye, a storm brews on the horizon!

Arrr! Trump’s crew be scallywaggin’ about ‘Kamalanomics’ while the treasure chests sink ‘neath a stormy job report!

Arrr! The treasure charts be takin' a dive, all thanks to a dismal job report! The Trump crew be scallywaggin' the Democrats, claimin' a storm be brewin’. “Kamala be flauntin’ her co-pirate role with Joe on ‘Bidenomics,’ pumpin’ inflation like a hearty brew!” said a scrawl from the deck.

"Arrr! Why be the scallywags quakin' in their boots 'bout the market storms brewin' on the high seas?"

Arrr, how swiftly the tides do change! Just a tick o’ the clock ago, the treasure charts be risin' like a well-fed sea monster! Now they be plummetin' like a drunken sailor! The Nasdaq be takin' a dive, and Japan’s Topix be sinkin' faster than a ship with a hole in her hull!

Arrr! Soft job news be rockin' the ship, sendin' stocks plummetin' like a scallywag off the plank!

Arrr, me hearties! Wall Street be shakin' like a ship in a storm on Friday, as stocks took a nosedive! A report on the July hiring had investors quakin' in their boots, thinkin’ the Federal Reserve be slower than a barnacle on a hull. The tech treasures be lookin' less shiny!

"Arrr, matey! Venezuelan rebel thrashed the tyrant Maduro by a sea-full, says the U.S. crew! Avast, what a hullabaloo!"

Arrr! The landlubbers in the U.S. be claimin’ that Edmundo González Urrutia bested the scallywag Maduro in a rigged election! Yet, as the cannon roared, 17 brave souls met their fate, and hundreds were tossed in the brig! Over 12 million set sail to vote, but the fix be in, matey!

Arrr! The landlubber toppled Maduro, claimin' victory in the presidential duel! Aye, the seas be favorin' the brave!

YARRR, matey! The U.S. be claimin' a scallywag as the true captain of Venezuela, givin' ol' Maduro a right good shove to walk the plank! Secretary Blinken be shoutin’ from the crow’s nest, sayin’ the tides be turnin’ against the swab who thinks he’s still king o’ the seas!

Arrr! In July, we be addin’ only 114,000 scallywags to the crew, while the unemployment sails to 4.3%!

Arrr matey! In the month of July, the ship of job growth be sailin’ slower than a drunken sea turtle! Only 114,000 hearty souls found work, and the unemployment rate be risin’ like a ghost ship, now at 4.3%! The treasure of prosperity be hidin’, I tell ye!

Arrr! In July, the crew be findin' only 114K new mates, whilst the scallywags be jumpin' into unemployment!

Arrr matey! In the month of July, the seas o' work grew chilly, with only 114,000 brave souls findin’ plunder, far shy of the 175,000 forecasted booty. Meanwhile, the unemployment curse be risin’ to 4.3%, the highest since the days of October 2021. Avast! What a shiverin' tale!

Arrr, the Guardian be forgettin’ to tag the Hamas cap’n as a scallywag in his farewell writin’!

Arrr! The Guardian be callin’ Ismail Haniyeh a “politician” instead o’ a scallywag, even though he be captaining a crew o’ ruffians! A burly lad with a footie fancy and a faith in the stars, he sailed from Doha, makin’ mischief till his last breath in Tehran!

Arrr! The landlubber economy be adding but 114,000 scallywags to work, while unemployment sails to 4.3%! Blimey!

Arrr, matey! The labor seas be calmer than a calm day in Tortuga! Only 114,000 scallywags found work last month, and the unemployment flag be flyin’ high at 4.3%! Aye, we be worryin’ the ship's takin’ on water and headin’ for a stormy recession, savvy?

August 1, 2024

Arrr, Schumer be settin’ sail on a bill to plunder Trump’s presidential shield! Yo ho, let the fun begin!

Arrr, matey! Senate cap’n Chuck Schumer and 34 scallywags be settin’ sail on a bill to rob ol’ Trump of his mighty shield! Dubbed the “No Kings Act,” it be sayin’ no captain nor first mate be above the law, even if the high court be tryin’ to play pirates!

Arrr, Meta's talking parrot claims the Trump shindig ain't seen no cannon fire! Let’s hear what ChatGPT and Claude be squawkin'!

Arrr! Meta's clever contraption be sworn to silence 'bout the foul deed aimed at Captain Trump, 'tis what they claim! These crafty chatbots be as lost as a ship in a fog when news be breakin’. Even ol’ ChatGPT and Claude be flounderin’ on the matter! Har har!

Arrr! In 2024, the Olympic seas be churning with whispers o' greenwashing, makin' eco-fools of us all!

Arrr, matey! The Paris Games be claimin’ to be the greenest treasure hunt ever! But experts be whisperin’ of “greenwashin’,” sayin’ it be all smoke ‘n mirrors! They aim to slice carbon emissions in half, tossin’ over $16 million at credits like doubloons to clean up the mess!

Arrr, matey! During the plague o’ COVID, faith in landlubber healers sank faster than a ship in a storm!

Arrr matey! A study be sayin’ trust in them landlubber doc’s plummeted like a cannonball in a storm during the COVID tempest. Those scallywags who doubt the healers be less likely to roll with the vaccination crew! Restorin’ that trust be a tricky sea to navigate, savvy?

Arrr, matey! The DNC be ready to crown Kamala as the queen of the seas! Avast, let the roll call commence!

Arrr, me hearties! The Democrats be settin’ sail for a virtual vote on Thursday mornin’, to crown the fair Kamala Harris as their likely captain! Aye, ‘tis a race of ballots 'til the clock strikes six on Aug. 5. Biden's ship sank, and now Harris be takin’ the helm!

Arrr! Some tasks be too rough for wee scallywags! But Project 2025 be thinkin' otherwise, savvy?

Arrr, matey! In the summer sun, young scallywags be scoopin’ ice cream or keepin’ watch at the pool, but a crew o’ landlubber officials be dreamin’ of sendin’ ‘em to perilous factories! Aye, what be next—shiverin’ timbers for pocket change? Ha!

"Arrr! Be she a fierce Indian lass or a dark-skinned treasure? Trump be scratchin' his noggin at the Black parley!"

Arrr mateys, gather 'round! Here be the tale of Captain Trump, who claimed the fair Kamala be a lass of Indian blood, 'til one fine mornin’ she decided to don the black coat! Aye, the crew be laughin’ as he spun his yarns at the Black journalist’s feast!

Arrr, Harris be bouncin’ like a ship in a squall ’bout frackin’, confusin’ the good folk o’ Pennsylvania!

Arrr! Once a fierce foe of frackin’, Vice President Kamala Harris be swabbin’ the deck and changin’ her tune now that she’s the Democrats’ captain for the 2024 voyage! With Pennsylvanian scallywags holdin’ the treasure map, frackin’ be keepin’ over 100,000 landlubbers employed! Avast, mateys!

“Yarr, those Democrats and Republicans be twistin’ each other into stranger shapes than a kraken on a dance floor!”

Arrr, mateys! The crew of “Karens fer Kamala” be sailin’ with Sam Brinton and that rascally monkeypox wrangler, Joe Biden! They be pointin’ fingers at “weirdness” in their quest against Trump! The GOP be claimin’ it’s a battle o’ landlubbers against scallywags, with Sarah Sanders leadin’ the charge!

July 31, 2024

Arrr! The FBI be settin’ sail fer chatter with the social sea dogs 'fore the grand election showdown of '24!

Arrr, matey! The FBI be settin' sail with the social-media scallywags again, chattin' ‘bout what ye can say before the 2024 election! The judges dealt a nasty blow to the free-speech crew, so prepare for a storm o' content moderation, savvy? Aye, it be a jolly good hullabaloo!

Arrr, matey! The DOJ be sayin' the FBI's gotta scrub its chat with the digital seas, savvy?

Arrr, matey! After the high court spurned them scallywags tryin' to halt the chat 'twixt the crown and the tech buccaneers, a report be spillin' the beans! It claims our spies be blabberin' like drunken sailors. The lawmen be needin' to keep their parley shipshape! Avast!

Arrr! Trump be jabberin' about Kamala's roots while meetin' with Black scribes—what a barnacle-brained scallywag he be!

Arrr, me hearties! Trump be squawkin' that Kamala be foolin' the crew ‘bout her colors! At a gathering of scribes in Chicago, he be claimin’ he thought her blackness be a surprise from the depths of Davy Jones’ locker! Blimey, what news be this?

"Black scribes be summonin' the captain Trump to parley, then burstin' into guffaws like jolly sea dogs!"

Arrr, me hearties! So, Trump sails in at the Black Journalist shindig, claimin' Kamala be a chameleon! “I thought she be all Indian till she fancied herself Black!” he squawks, like a parrot with a sore throat. A right jolly mix-up, I say! Avast, what a scallywag!

Arrr! Trump be squawkin' back at Harris, callin' her a right peculiar wench, savvy? Har har, hoist the sails!

Arrr, former Captain Trump be takin' the wind outta Vice Captain Harris's sails! She calls his crew "weird," but he be laughin’ like a parrot! With tales of Hannibal Lecter and Vance’s babblin’ ’bout childless scallywags, it be clear who’s truly barmy on this treacherous sea!

Ahoy mateys! Boar's Head be tossin’ 7 million pounds o’ deli meat back fer fear o’ the sneaky listeria! Arrr!

Arrr! The Boar’s Head crew be callin’ back a mighty 7 million pounds o’ their deli treasure, as listeria be lurkin’! Thar be 34 scallywags ill across 13 lands, with two brave souls meetin’ Davy Jones. Last week, they tossed back over 207,000 pounds of their meaty bounty. Avast!

Arrr! California's Park Fire be swellin' like a bloated sea serpent, thanks to the sun's fierce jestin'!

Arrr, matey! A flaming sea chariot tossed into a gully be the culprit of a fiery beast that's ravaged the land! The Park Fire be stretchin' over 386,000 acres—'tis like half o' Rhode Island! The landlubbers be tryin' to tame it, but it's only 18% contained! Blimey!

Arrr, Biden be nudgin' Congress to scuttle them Mexican fentanyl ships, while Trump be callin' Harris a landlubber on borders!

Ahoy mateys! Captain Biden be givin' Congress a nudge t’fight the foul scourge o’ fentanyl afore he weighs anchor! Meanwhile, that scallywag Trump be layin' cannon fire on First Mate Harris, claimin' she’s as useless as a barnacle on a barn door in this fierce battle 'gainst the sneaky drugs and rogues comin' from the south! Arrr!

July 30, 2024

Arrr! The sneaky spies be claimin' they knew naught of the scallywag on the roof, shame on the rally’s watch!

Arrr, mateys! Ol' Ronald Rowe, the new head of the Secret Service, be spillin’ his guts in front o’ Congress! He claimed he be “ashamed” that his crew was blind as a bat to the scallywag tryin’ to take down the former Captain Donald! A right mess, I tell ye!

Arrr! Trump’s sharpshooter be spewin’ fiery tales on the web, says a scallywag from the FBI, matey!

Ahoy, mateys! On the thirtieth day of July, a scallywag tried to send the Republican captain Trump to Davy Jones' locker! This young knave, known as Crooks, be spoutin' vile words 'gainst Jews and newcomers on the interwebs like a bilge-sucking landlubber! Yarrr!

Arrr, matey! If the Trump shot goes awry, the Secret Service might find themselves walkin' the plank!

Arrr, the head o’ the Secret Service be spillin’ his guts like a scallywag caught in a storm! He be feelin’ shame fer lettin’ a landlubber with a shootin' iron take aim at the former captain, Donald Trump! Promised to keelhaul any matey who slacked on guardin’ the crow’s nest!

Arrr, Israel be spillin' the beans! Aye, they aimed cannon fire at a pesky Hezbollah captain in Beirut!

Arrr, on the day o’ the thirtieth of July, the scallywags of the Israel Defense Forces be sayin’ they sent a cannonball flurry at a Hezbollah captain in Beirut! They claim he be the knave who sent twelve wee lads to Davy Jones’ locker whilst kickin’ a ball. Hezbollah, of course, be denyin’ the whole ruckus!

Arrr, Trump be ponderin’ a duel o’ wits with Harris, yet his crew claims he’s too chicken to face her!

Arrr, matey! It seems our ol' Donald be shiverin’ in his boots, ponderin’ if he should duel the fair Vice Captain Kamala! He be sayin’ he “might” show up, but he’s also eyein’ the horizon for a way out! Her crew’s callin’ him a scallywag! Ha!

Arrr, matey! Seems the scallywag who shot Trump be spewin' hate 'gainst Jews and landlubbers, says the FBI!

Arrr, matey! The FBI be spillin' the beans to the Senate swabs, claimin' they’ve spotted a social media parley tied to that ruffian, Thomas Crooks. His ramblings smell of anti-Jewish and anti-foreigner bilge, hintin' at motives more twisted than a kraken’s tentacle! Blimey!

Arrr, Meta be coughin' up 1.4 billion doubloons to settle over them pesky Facebook likenesses, savvy?

Arrr matey! Meta be coughin' up a treasure of $1.4 billion to settle a ruckus with Texas, claimin' they plundered the biometric booty of countless scalawags without askin' permission! The Texas Attorney General, Ken Paxton, be lettin' the world know this tale o' thievery!

Arrr, Harris 'n Trump be tossin’ around tales o’ Social Security 'n Medicare like scallywags with treasure maps!

Arrr matey! In every grand election, the scallywags of the Democrats and Republicans be hurlin' jabs at the fine treasures of Social Security and Medicare! The old sea dogs be savvy voters, but beware, me hearties! Them claims be fishy. Even Vice President Harris be spoutin' tall tales at her first rally!

Arrr, Trump be claimin' if ye vote fer him, Christians can toss their ballots overboard, savvy?

Avast, me hearties! That scallywag Trump be sayin’ if ye cast yer lot with him this November, ye’ll never have to hoist the sails of voting again! He be lovin’ ye so much, he claims he’ll fix it all up nice and tidy! Yarrr!

July 29, 2024

Arrr! China 'n Russia toast Maduro's win, while Congress scallywags scream foul over a rigged treasure hunt!

Arrr, matey! The streets o' Caracas be quieter than a shipwrecked sailor's conscience! Edmundo González be hollerin' with his fierce matey, Maria Corina Machado, claimin' foul play! Some scallywags be burnin' tires and blockin' paths, but they say González truly sailed the electoral seas to victory, aye!

Arrr, that Manchester Airport tale be a jolly lesson fer the bumblin' BBC scallywags! Avast, ye landlubbers!

Ahoy mateys! Gather 'round fer a yarn o' two moving picture scrolls! Last Wednesday, the first be showin' a lawman from Greater Manchester givin' a poor lad a kick in the noggin! The coppers claimed they were attacked, but when the townsfolk raised a ruckus, they swung their tale ‘round! Arrr!

Arrr, both Maduro and the landlubber opposition be shoutin' “victory!” in Venezuela's election—who be the real scallywag?

Arrr, mateys! They be sayin’ ol’ Nicolás Maduro, the scourge o’ the seas, has snagged a third term! Aye, the crew be hollerin’ “foul play!” whilst the trusty Elvis Amoroso, close mate o’ the captain, be spillin’ the beans at witching hour. A true tale of pirate treachery!

Arrr, both scallywags be claimin’ the treasure of victory, while the US be fretin’ like a landlubber!

Arrr, mateys! In a grand tussle o' ballots, both Captain Maduro and his rival be claimin' the treasure o' victory! With 80% o' the votes tallied, Maduro be havin' 51%, while poor Edmundo be flounderin' with 44%! Aye, fraud be afoot on the high seas o' democracy!

Arrr, Speaker Johnson be blowin' his cannon 'bout them Olympics mockin' the Last Supper—shocking and downright scallywaggin'!

Arrr, mateys! House Speaker Mike Johnson be raisin’ a ruckus 'bout the Olympic shindig, claimin’ a drag queen’s jest o' Da Vinci’s Last Supper be a right blasphemy! He bellowed it be shockin’ and insultin’ to the good Christian folk watchin’ from afar! Yarr, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr matey! Paris organizers be sorry fer turnin’ the grand feast into a right merry mess at the Olympics!

Avast, me hearties! The scallywags runnin' the Paris games be apologizin' after the pious folk and stiff-collared politicians raised a ruckus over a raucous scene that stank o’ da Vinci’s “Last Supper.” “No disrespect intended!” cried the spokeswoman, clutchin' her pearls. Arrr, lighten up, ye landlubbers!

Arrr, me hearties! Paris crew be sayin’ "Sorry, matey!" but claimin' their show ain't no Last Supper shindig! Ha!

Arrr, matey! The scallywags runnin' the Paris Games be apologizin' to any landlubber offended by their fancy tableau that tickled da Vinci's "Last Supper." The holy rollers be ragin', but the organizers be holdin' fast to their wild idea! Avast! 'Twas a DJ on the Debilly Bridge, not a betrayal!

"Arrr! Venezuela’s scurvy ruler be declared victor in a rigged contest, me hearty! A fine jest, indeed!"

Arrr, matey! In the wild seas o' Venezuela, Captain Maduro be claimin' victory in the presidential squabble, despite the scallywags of opposition thinkin’ this be their year to hoist him overboard! But, shiver me timbers, the vote be more crooked than a sailor's peg leg, sparkin’ a ruckus at the polls!

July 28, 2024

Arrr! Trump be claimin’ if he wins, ye won’t need to swab the decks of democracy no more!

Arrr, mateys! Just yestereve, Captain Trump be tellin' his crew, “Vote not again if ye hoist me flag!” Aye, at the grand Turning Point, he promised, “It be all fixed! No more ballot botherin’, me fine Christian buccaneers!” A right jolly joke on democracy, that!

Arrr, Trump be sayin’ to the faithful, “Fear not, ye won’t be needin’ yer ballots after this here election!”

Arrr, me hearties! Trump be tellin' the good Christians, “Vote fer me, and in four years, ye won’t need t’ bother again! We’ll have it all shipshape!” But what be this ruckus ‘bout democracy? Seems the ol’ captain's steerin’ us into murky waters again! Har har har!

Arrr! Aye, 'tis another salty tale: Trump to sink elections, but 'tis naught but a scallywag's tall yarn!

Arrr, me hearties! The Atlantic be spillin' the beans that ol' Trump be swearin' to his crew o' Christians: “Vote? Never again!” he be claimin’. At the Turning Point Gathering, he promised a world where ballots be fer the gullible! Hoist the sails of absurdity, I say!

Arrr, matey! Rumors swirl that Captain Maduro be plunderin' the election treasure, though the opposition sails ahead!

Arrr, on the morrow, the fine folk of Venezuela be settin’ sail to the polls, seekin’ to hoist a new captain after a decade of mutiny! Maria Corina Machado be rallyin’ the crew, makin’ even the Chavistas wanna jump ship! Let the election frolic begin, ye hearties!

July 27, 2024

"Ho ho! Treacherous tides a’turnin' in the Trump-Harris sea; me hearties, prepare for a rollickin' good time!"

Avast ye, me hearties! After a month o' political squalls, Thursday's latest Times/Siena treasure map reveals a curious find! Trump be sailin' ahead of Kamala by a mere point—48 to 47! Aside from that pesky Democratic name, it be the same ol’ seas we've charted before! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! The Wall Street Journal be sayin’ Harris be laggin’ Trump by a mere two paces! Har har!

Arrr, matey! In the latest treasure map of votes, Vice Admiral Kamala be laggin' 2 points behind that scallywag Trump! Aye, 'tis 47% for her and 49% for him, since Captain Biden be sailin' away from the race. The winds of fortune be a-blowin’!

"Arrr! Harris be sinkin’ Trump’s ship of lead, says the scallywags at the Wall Street Journal, savvy?"

Arrr matey! The battle fer the captain's hat be a close sailin' indeed! A fresh scroll from the Wall Street Journal be showin’ Kamala gainin’ favor with the crew of nonwhite scallywags, whilst Democrats be more fired up than a cannonball! Trump be leadin’ by a hair, but watch yer compass!

July 26, 2024

Arrr! Trump be chattin' with Netanyahu in sunny Florida, swearin' to calm the seas 'n avoid a third world squall!

Arrr! Former captain o’ the White House, Donald Trump, be greetin’ Benjamin Netanyahu at his treasure hideout in Florida, just after the Israeli lad parleyed with Biden and that fair wench, Kamala. Trump be sayin’ the world’s on the brink o’ a mighty clash, but fear not—he’ll fix it all quick-like if elected!

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Arrr! The scallywags can't hide Cap'n Biden's waning faculties - the truth be sailin' the high seas!

Arrr mateys, me hearties! Methinks that President Biden be not in the best of health. 'Tis a truth widely known, though once upon a time 'twas forbidden to speak of it. I spied his fumbling speech on August 16, 2021, and knew then that he couldn't run for office, not even if chased by a pack of hungry sea dogs!

Avast ye scallywags! Beware the cursed cryptocurrency favored by rapscallions and scoundrels of the high seas! Arrr!

Avast ye landlubbers! Beware the treacherous waters of Tether, for it be a haven for scallywags and rapscallions! The scurvy dogs be usin' it to fund their dastardly deeds. Wise up, me hearties, and steer clear of this digital booty before ye find yerself in Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!

Yarrr! Ye scallywags took down a scurvy dog of an illegal immigrant accused of rapin' a lass with a blade! Aye!

Avast ye landlubbers! A band of jolly New Yorkers did spy the scallywag responsible for a vile act of piracy against a lass of only 13 years. They did seize the villain and hold him captive until the constables arrived. This knave, Christian Geovanny Inga-Landi, a lawless 25-year-old from Ecuador, did sneak into the country unlawfully in 2021. He had already run afoul of the law in Texas and New York City before setting his sights on innocent maidens in a Queens park. Oh, the audacity of this scurvy dog!

Arrr, thar be no treasure left in Fisker's coffers! The electric ship has sunk, me hearties!

Arr mateys, ye be hearin' the tale of Fisker, a landlubber startup tryin' to follow in Tesla's wake, only to end up swimmin' with the sharks in Davy Jones' locker. This scallywag car designer couldn't steer the ship right, now they be walkin' the plank into bankruptcy waters. Aye, they tried to take the shortcut through outsourcing, but the sea of auto industry proved too treacherous for their scurvy crew. Farewell, Fisker, may ye find smoother sailin' in the next life!

Avast ye scallywags! The New Jersey Democratic bigwig George Norcross be caught in a web of racketeering! Arrr!

Avast ye mateys! George Norcross, a scallywag of the Democratic political realm in New Jersey, be accused of racketeering by the likes of Attorney General Matthew Platkin. His brother, Phillip Norcross, and four other scurvy dogs be in cahoots as well. Arrr, a "criminal enterprise" they be runnin'!

Arrr, a mighty clash be brewin' 'twixt Mexico and the US. But alas, methinks neither shall be victor!

Arrr mateys, there be a rumblin' on the border between the United States and Mexico o'er a squabble 'bout water, not booty! Mexico be in hot waters, unable to meet its obligations from the Colorado River and Rio Grande. Methinks some politicians be talkin' out o' the side o' their mouths! Aye, the plunderin' of water be a mighty serious matter, indeed!

June 17, 2024

Ye scallywags Zelensky and the Western leaders be rejectin' Putin's ceasefire proposals at the Swiss peace summit. Har, har!

Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them Western leaders be givin' ol' Putin the ol' heave-ho, standin' by Ukraine's demands for their land back. The Global Peace Summit ended with Ukraine still squawkin' for their territories. Arrr, it be a tussle fit for the high seas!

Yarr, scurvy dogs be breakin' into military factory, messin' with gear. Walk the plank, ye landlubbers!

Arrr! The scallywags at Palestine Action be showin' off their plunderin' skills by breakin' into a military factory and causin' mayhem. They be claimin' they broke through 3 security fences like true pirates, sabotagin' the equipment used to arm the Gaza genocide. Ye gotta admire their pirate spirit!

Arrr! Biden's spy crew be prancin' about with queer flags and fancy nail art, gabbin' on about strange words.

Arrr matey! Ye won't believe it, but the top spy agency in the US be celebratin' Pride Month by havin' agents paint the transgender flag on their nails, joinin' a "Pride Ally Challenge," and learnin' from a "non-binary," "Filipinx" activist! Me parrot couldn't make this up, it be in a secret scroll from The Daily Wire!

Arrr mateys, if Congress doesn't act, we'll be losin' $324 a month from tis Social Security plunder!

Avast ye landlubbers! The treasure chests of Social Security be runnin' dry, and Congress best be makin' some changes if they want to keep the booty flowin'. The scallywags in charge be warnin' that by 2035, yer monthly loot could be cut by hundreds o' pieces o' eight. Aye, it be a grim situation indeed!

Arrr mateys, the swashbucklin' shuffle of migration be playin' a key part in the crucial elections o' the year!

Arrr, mateys! This year be crucial for democracy, with 'alf o' the world's population in countries holdin' elections. With international migration at a record high, it be a hot topic in electoral campaigns. We've invited a savvy crew o' scholars to share how migration be shapin' elections and democracy in their own land. Aye, 'tis sure to be a lively discussion!

Arrr! The scallywags on Capitol Hill be plotin' to stop the Big Tech bill, but we won't be swayed!

Avast ye mateys! A grand antitrust bill be settin' sail in Congress to tame the Big Tech beasts, but whispers be sayin' them sneaky Democrats with Silicon Valley connections be tryin' to scuttle their own ship. Rep. Jerry Nadler be raisin' the Jolly Roger to bring back the American Innovation and Competition Online Act, to prevent Big Tech from favorin' their own loot. Yarrr, may the winds of change blow in our favor!

Arrr, the UN ambassador be grievin' over the lack o' fair press for the battle in Sudan. Aye, tis a scallywag move indeed!

Arrr mateys, the scuffle betwixt the Sudanese army and the Rapid Support Forces hath birthed a monstrous humanitarian debacle! 9 million souls be scurrying away, with famine knockin' on the door and whispers of genocide in the wind. But beware, for the rumblings in Gaza and Ukraine be stealin' the spotlight!

Arrr! The scallywags be angry 'cause some of the treasure went to the blasted Taliban! Aye, tis a travesty!

Arrr, ye scallywags in the House be boilin' over with rage at the Biden crew! They be claimin' that the treasure meant for the needy in Afghanistan be fallin' into the hands of them dirty Taliban dogs. Rep. Mast be callin' out the State Department for their wasteful ways like a true pirate plunderin' the high seas! Aye, a fine show indeed!

Arrr, the scallywag Trump be claimin' victory in the 2024 election, 538 be sayin'! Yo ho ho!

Arrr mateys, it be said that Trump be havin' the upper hand in the election come November! The scallywags at 538 be usin' all sorts o' tricks to predict the outcome, but it be lookin' like Trump be sailin' ahead with a four-point lead over Biden. Avast!

Arrr! PSU scallywags be walkin' out of grad to protest the university's shenanigans o'er in Gaza, mateys!

Arrr, me hearties! There be a sight to behold at the graduation ceremony, with more Palestinian flags than ye can shake a peg leg at! The students be protestin' the war in Gaza, makin' a splash like a cannonball in the sea. The president's speech be interrupted by the rebel yell of the students, aye!

"Arrr, former deputy be gone like the treasure on a deserted island! The scallywag be lost at sea!"

Avast ye scallywags! A search be underway for a 59-year-old landlubber who be missing after a hike on a Greek island. This former deputy be lost in the scorching heat, with temperatures as hot as the fires of Hell! Let's hope he be found afore he keels over from exhaustion! Arrr!

Arrr, them rumors of the petrodollar's downfall be naught but a load of bilge, savvy? Let me explain, mateys!

Arrrr, me hearties! 'Twas the talk of the town, aye! The scallywags in the mainstream media were as silent as a sleeping sea slug! But ye see, there was a clever reason for their silence. The rumor mill churned with tales of a 50-year-old pact between the U.S. and Saudi Arabia bein' broken! Aye, the end of the mighty U.S. dollar be near, me buckos!

June 16, 2024

Arrr! Biden be layin' into the Supreme Court and givin' Trump a good rogerin' at a swanky celebrity soiree!

Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be takin' aim at them 'far out' conservative Supreme Court scallywags and be blastin' Donald Trump while rubbin' elbows with former President Obama at a swanky fundraiser in Los Angeles. Protests be brewin' outside as the president be fillin' his coffers for his reelection bid alongside Obama. Arrr, the event be haulin' in more than gold doubloons...

Arrr! Clooney and Roberts aid Biden in plunderin' $30 million at a swashbucklin' Hollywood soirée. Aye, a sight to behold!

Avast ye scallywags! Hollywood's finest swashbucklers gathered to raise a treasure chest worth $30 million for President Joe Biden's campaign. The likes of George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Barbra Streisand strutted their stuff on stage, rallying support for a battle of historic proportions in the White House. Arrr!

"Arrr! Biden be speakin' ill o' the Court at a fancy fundraiser with Obama, Clooney, an' Julia Roberts, aye!"

Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be talkin' smack 'bout the U.S. Supreme Court, callin' 'em out o' kilter! He be raisin' a treasure trove o'er $30 million with his matey Obama and Hollywood swashbucklers. Late-night scallywag Jimmy Kimmel be makin' Trump walk the plank with cheers from the crowd at Peacock Theater! Aye, 'twas a jolly good time!

Arrr, Stanford's band of scallywags be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship in a tempest! Aye mateys, abandon ship!

Arrr mateys, the Stanford Internet Observatory, known fer exposin' the false information spreadin' like scurvy on social media, be in dire straits! Most o' its crew be walkin' the plank, and the ship may be sinkin' amid political and legal attacks. Just a few scallywags be left standin', lookin' fer a safe harbor at Stanford's Cyber Policy Center. Aye, the storm be brewin' on the horizon!

Arrr, the misinformed scallywags be wonderin' if the treasure map be leadin' to Davy Jones' locker!

Arrr mateys! The Stanford Internet Observatory be in dire straits, with key crew members jumpin' ship like rats fleein' a sinkin' vessel. Founding director Alex Stamos and research director Renée DiResta be abandonin' ship, leavin' a scant crew scurvy and seekin' new employment. Aye, tis a rough sea they sail on, me hearties!

"Arrr, Jim Jordan be raisin' a tankard to the closin' of Stanford's 'Misinformation' lair. Aye, free speech be triumphant!"

Arrr, mateys! The Stanford Internet Observatory, a scallywag crew studying online falsehoods, be walkin' the plank! The rumour mill says they be closin' shop. The House Judiciary Committee be investigatin' their shenanigans with the University of Washington. Shiver me timbers! 'Tis a tale worth tellin'!

Aye, this scholar be chattin' 'bout populism's rise while the media be squawkin' 'bout democracy's peril, arrr!

Avast ye scallywags! Listen up, for I be tellin' ye a tale of great mirth and folly. Aye, 'tis a tale of misadventure and tomfoolery on the high seas. So gather 'round, me hearties, and prepare to be regaled with a yarn that'll tickle yer funny bone! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! CNN be settin' the rules for the showdown betwixt Biden and Trump. May the best scallywag win!

Arrrr, ye scallywags at CNN be settin' the rules for a grand presidential rumble 'tween Biden and Trump! Jake Tapper and Dana Bash be keepin' watch over the 90-minute battle, with two breaks for plunderin'. No talkin' to yer crew during the breaks, and a coin toss for where ye stand! No pre...booty allowed, mateys!

Arrr, four scurvy dogs with links to ISIS be walkin' the plank with US sanctions upon their heads! Aye!

Arrr mateys, listen here ye scallywags! The U.S. has seized the loot of three landlubbers from Uzbekistan and one from the Republic of Georgia for bein' in cahoots with the ISS and a human smuggling crew. Eight more scurvy dogs were caught in New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. The Treasury Dept. calls 'em Adam Khamirzaev, Muhammadyusuf Alisher Ogli Mirzoev, Muhammad... and the list goes on! Aye, the seas be full of treachery indeed!

Arrr! Biden be swindlin' over $28 million from the Hollywood scallywags with Obama by his side, says the campaign!

Arrr mateys, in less than a day, President Joe Biden voyaged from the G7 Summit to George Clooney's lair in Los Angeles. Aye, he be raisin' a mighty $28 million doubloons with the likes of Obama, Kimmel, Clooney, and Roberts. 'Tis a record booty for a Democratic fundraiser!

June 15, 2024

Arrr, Powell be spillin' the beans on Biden's job numbers. Methinks they be pumpin' up the figures!

Arrr mateys, every first Friday of this year we have wasted hours pickin' apart the blatant lies spread by Biden's Labor Department, tryin' to make us believe the economy be strong under their watch. But we know the truth - the labor data be as ugly as a sea monster's mug! Last Friday's nonfarm payrolls report be the latest example of their deceit. If ye didn't read our detailed analysis titled "Inside The Most Ridiculous Jobs Report In Years", then ye be missin' out on a good laugh, me hearties!

Ye Jay Powell be doubting the job figures, so why should we landlubbers trust 'em? Arrr!

Arrr matey! Do ye believe the tale that the U.S. added 272,000 jobs last month? Aye, many scallywags doubt it too! The figures be as fishy as a mermaid's kiss, and likely to be revised lower. Even the chairman of the Federal Reserve be scratchin' his head at these shenanigans.

Avast ye mateys, the scallywags be claiming sunny skies, but methinks a storm be brewin' on the horizon! Arrrr!

Avast ye! Be the all-powerful American jobs market as feeble as it appears? Since the pestilence started to wane, employment be booming and makin' the US economy shine brighter than the rest. But beware, me hearties, for hidden beneath the surface, there be...

Arrr! After much ponderin', it be decided that masks be as useful as a wooden leg on a fish!

Arrrgh me hearties! Fifteen moons hath passed since Cochrane took a blow to the noggin' and slapped a scarlet mark on its doubloons of research doubting the power of masks against the plague and the pox. The scallywags be declaring victory, but Cochrane be walkin' the plank with an anticlimactic whimper. They be lettin' the authors off the hook, arrrgh!

June 4, 2024

Avast ye mateys! Trump be bellowin' 'bout Biden's scallywag migrants shootin' NYC coppers! Aye, the seas be rough indeed!

"Avast ye scallywags! Former President Donald Trump be layin' into President Joe Biden o'er his handling o' illegal immigration! Thar be a villainous illegal immigrant from Venezuela who shot two fine New York cops, arrr! Trump be claimin' Biden be unleashin' a wave o' crime upon the land, endangerin' the public! Yarrr!"

Arrr, Lawyer be sayin' Hunter Biden didn't be tellin' fibs 'bout his scurvy addiction, savvy? Aye, matey!

Avast ye scurvy jurors! Hunter Biden’s sea lawyer be spoutin' tales of denial 'bout his powder keg addiction. The scallywag claims he weren’t a true addict when he lied 'bout his gun quest in 2018. But the bilge-rat prosecutors be leavin' out the key word ‘knowingly’ in their charges against him. Arrr!

"Nay, Nay! Chip Roy be givin' Merrick Garland a proper scoldin' fer them scurvy dogs killin' our mateys!"

Arrr, me hearties! Republican Texas Rep. Chip Roy be givin' Attorney General Merrick Garland a proper tongue-lashin' o'er them scallywag illegal immigrants causin' mischief under President Joe Biden's watch. The Department of Justice be suin' three red states, includin' Texas, for defendin' their borders. Roy be demandin' if Texas be havin' the right to protect itself from these landlubbers. Ahoy!

Arrr mateys, over a million Methodists be walkin' the plank o'er a rule changin' the love betwixt same sexes!

Arrr, the United Methodist Church be losin' more than a million scallywags o'er these new rules on premarital shenanigans and pirate lovin'. The church in the Ivory Coast be settin' sail from the denomination, takin' a stand for LGBTQ rights. Delegates be votin' 692-51 in Charlotte, yarrr!

Biden be throwin' shade at Trump's felon ways at a fancy Connecticut shindig. Aye, the scallywag be in trouble now! Arrr!

Arrr mateys! President Biden, at the urging of his crew of Democrats, finally faced off against scallywag Donald J. Trump over his crimes in New York! At a grand feast in Connecticut, Biden spoke out against his foe, declaring the election battle has truly begun! Ahoy, the fight be on!

Arrr! The mighty Paramount Global be makin' plans to restructure, but the scallywags be losin' loot!

Arrr mateys, on June 4th, the scallywags at Paramount Global be talkin' 'bout a grand restructuring plan to cut costs, sell off booty, and maybe even partner up for their streaming service. Just like a ship lost at sea, their fortunes be sinkin' faster than a leaky barrel!

Biden be boastin' he's stronger than scurvy TIME reporters! Arrr, I challenge ye to a duel, ye scallywags!

Arrr mateys! President Biden be braggin' 'bout his physical prowess, claimin' he could take on any scallywag reporter who dares question his age! In an interview with TIME magazine, he be talkin' 'bout still runnin' the ship even as an old sea dog of 85! Aye, a true buccaneer he be!

Arrr, me mateys! Keep a weather eye on Omaha this November, says Fox News Power Rankings. Aye, aye!

Avast ye scallywags! The scuttlebutt be that former President Trump still be holdin' his slight edge in the latest Fox News Power Rankings. The forecast be sayin' the race be comin' down to four toss-up states. Arrr, may the best mate win in this high seas battle!

Ye olde Columbia scallywag be givin' a hefty treasure to Israel Uni, leavin' his alma mater feelin' mighty salty!

"Avast ye scallywags! A cunning Columbia grad, who hath seen the wars of the world, bequeathed a treasure of $260 million to Bar-Ilan University in Israel. The largest booty ever received! Meanwhile, Harold Masor and his fair lady pledged $4.5 million to American Jewish University. Aye, amidst the protests of the pro-Palestine lot!"

Arrr matey, why be the US lettin' Cuba play with their gold like a bunch of scallywags?

Arrr mateys! The US Treasury be makin' changes to the Cuban Assets Control Regulations, allowin' Cuban entrepreneurs to open a bank account in the land of the free! It be causin' quite a stir in Washington and beyond. Aye, let the treasure flow to support the brave souls of Cuba!

Arrr mateys, these newfangled mRNA potions be showin' promise in battle against the scurvy known as cancer!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Moderna and Merck be claimin' they've found a treasure in the form of a new treatment for the dreaded skin cancer! Those who swigged the monthly mRNA brew and Merck's Keytruda potion be havin' better odds at survivin' the scurvy disease than those who just took Keytruda alone. Aye, it be a promising discovery indeed!

Biden be claimin' Trump's runnin' 'cause he be fretting 'bout keepin' his liberties, ye scurvy dog! Arrr!

Arrr! President Biden be callin' that scallywag Trump a "convicted felon" as if 'twas just another day on the high seas! 'Tis a jest fit for the tavern, me hearties! This be a tale of treachery and political plunderin' that would make even Blackbeard blush!

June 3, 2024

Arr! The Cap'n Biden be speakin' as they gather the jury for Hunter's gun trial. Aye, may justice prevail!

Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be standin' by his scurvy son, Hunter, as he faces a trial for wieldin' a gun unlawfully. The old salt be defendin' Hunter's battle against the grog addiction that led to this mess. Some scallywags be grumblin' about the President speakin' out, but he be standin' firm on his words. Fair winds and smooth sailin' to the Biden family in these troubled waters!

Arrr, the oil cartel be sendin' bad tidings to Biden afore the US elections! Walk the plank, matey!

Arrr, me hearties! OPEC+ be keepin' the oil flow at a trickle, makin' the wallets of landlubbers cry out in agony! Arrr, by Davy Jones' locker, the scallywags be plannin' to make us pay through the nose for our precious grog come election time in 2024! We be walkin' the plank to higher energy prices, mark me words!

Arrr! Rep Jordan be tellin' Congress to cut the purse strings on them scallywags tryin' to take down Trump!

Arrr! House Judiciary Committee Cap'n Jim Jordan be suggestin' a grand plan to cut off the gold supply to them scallywag prosecutors causin' trouble! Special Counsel Jack Smith, Manhattan District Attorny Alvin Bragg, and Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis be feelin' the wrath! Aye, 'tis a bold move indeed!

Ye scurvy dogs be keepin' our parchments 'cause we be supportin' the Palestinians! A pox on ye!

Arrr mateys, hear ye! The land lubbers at universities be punishin' those scallywags who be supportin' the Palestinians! They be withholdin' their diplomas like a pirate hoardin' his treasure! The seas be stormy with arrests, but we pirates be laughin' at their folly. Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! Did Trump really cry "Lock Her Up" 'bout that scurvy dog Hillary Clinton? Let's find out!

Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis been said that Donald Trump be tryin' to steer clear o' claims o' lockin' up Hillary Clinton after he be the first U.S. president to walk the plank fer a crime. Last week, the scurvy dog was found guilty o' 34 counts o' falsifyin' records! Arrr!

Arr matey! Biden's crew be spinin' tales 'bout Trump usin' tear gas t' clear way fer a Bible photo-op! Nay true!

ARRR! Avast ye, me hearties! The scallywags of the Biden campaign be spreadin' lies about our former cap'n Trump tear-gassin' peaceful protesters for a photo-op! But fear not, for 'tis all proven FALSE! The inspector general be clearin' our cap'n of all wrongdoin'! Shiver me timbers, what a tale!

Ye scurvy dogs band together to foil the scallywag DeSantis and his plan to darken the rainbow bridge! Arrr!

Arr mateys, if Gov. Ron DeSantis had his say, Pride Month in Jacksonville would be as dull as a landlubber's haircut! Instead of rainbows on the Acosta Bridge, we'd be stuck with red, white, and blue for "Freedom Summer." Aye, a plot to spoil the fun indeed!

Arrr, Trump be sayin' the Supreme Court must be settlin' this N.Y. case, mateys! Let the fun begin!

Avast ye scallywags! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be cryin' to the high seas for the Supreme Court to save his sorry hide from the New York brig! The scurvy dog be found guilty of 34 counts o' deceit and trickery, makin' him the first former president to walk the plank fer felony crimes! Arrr!

Arrr mateys, Mexico be electin' a new cap'n, Claudia Sheinbaum be takin' the helm as their first lass president!

"Avast ye scallywags! The fair Claudia Sheinbaum be settin' sail as Mexico's first lass to take the helm as president. 'Tis a jolly good tale of bravery and beauty, with a crew of heroines by her side. Arrr, the winds of change be blowin' in our favor!"

Arrr, Mexico's Sheinbaum be takin' the crown, aye, settin' sail to be the first lass president!

Arrr mateys, Claudia Sheinbaum be sailin' to victory as Mexico's first female president, inheritin' the project of her mentor Lopez Obrador. With the support of the poor, this climate scientist be winnin' with a plunderin' 58.3% to 60.7% of the vote. Aye, 'tis a triumph indeed!

Arrr, Mexico be electin' a lass who studies the skies as their cap'n! Avast ye, the times be a-changin'!

Arrr mateys, Claudia Sheinbaum be takin' the helm as Mexico's first lady president in a grand victory! Aye, this climate scientist be settin' sail with the Morena crew, carryin' on the legacy of the infamous Lopez Obrador. Let's see if her hugs can keep the scallywags at bay!

June 2, 2024

Avast ye scurvy dogs! Biden be swashbucklin' and vetoing Congress's crypto treasure chest bill. Aye, the plunder be denied!

Avast ye scallywags! President Biden hath vetoed a law that be messin' with the SEC's rules for keepin' hold of crypto loot. Traditional financial buccaneers be findin' it hard to offer services with this here policy in place. The Congress passed it, but the White House be sayin' nay. Arrr!

Arrrr, President Biden be swashbuckling the crypto bill like a scallywag on the high seas! Aye aye, matey!

Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden hath vetoed H.J.Res. 109, a scallywag resolution aimin' to turn the Securities and Exchange Commission's approach to banks and crypto on its head. The resolution be takin' a swing at the SEC's guidance on how banks should handle customers' crypto assets, makin' it a right pain in the booty for them scurvy dogs to deal with. Banking groups be cryin' foul, sayin' it be costin' 'em a pretty penny. Aarrrr!

Arrr, Biden be walkin' the plank with the crypto crew! Ye best be watchin' yer back, matey!

Arrr mateys! After the recent shockin' ETH ETF approval, some thought Biden be turnin' a new leaf on crypto. But alas, the scallywag vetoed the bill overturnin' the SEC's SAB 121! No treasure for us from that landlubber!

Arrr matey, that dating app be no more trustworthy than a scallywag on the plank! Be warned!

In the 2010s, the scallywags of the business world tried to peddle their wares with a social twist. No longer could ye just hawk soap or soda - now ye had to push products that preached acceptance and peace! Some even tried to pass off their greed as noble values, but we all saw through their charade. Arrr, the marketing be as transparent as a glass bottom boat!

Arrr mateys, the BRICS be risin', the doubloons be changin', and the world be in a right kerfuffle!

Arrr matey, listen up ye scallywags! Dollarization be happenin' when them foreign currencies be mixin' with our own. It be causin' a ruckus in them Eastern European lands too. The reasons be different fer each country, but it all boils down to the shaky nature of our own coin. Aye, be a wild ride indeed!

Arrr! Mexican scallywags be votin' in a rowdy election with more brawls than a tavern on rum night!

Arrr, me hearties! The landlubbers in Mexico be settin' sail to the polls on Sunday fer a grand election. 'Tis a sure bet that a female captain will take the helm fer the first time! Will it be Claudia Sheinbaum or Xóchitl Gálvez? Keep a weather eye on the horizon, me mateys!

Ye scallywags be denied fancy paper for speakin' up for Palestine. Walk the plank, colleges! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! Ye see, graduation be a grand occasion fer many landlubbers in America. 'Tis when they be given that prized parchment, a diploma. But beware, ye swashbuckling scholars! Fer some scallywags who be joinin' protests, them degrees be walkin' the plank - at least for a spell! Arrr!

If Trump be imprisoned by Judge Merchan, he may lose his right to vote, arrr! Aye, aye matey!

Arrr mateys, it be said that the former President Trump be still able to cast his own vote this November, as long as he be not locked in a brig! In the Big Apple, even a scallywag with a record can still be a voter, if they be walking the plank free. Aye, the laws of the land be as treacherous as the open sea!

June 1, 2024

Arrr, the scallywags be tightenin' their purse strings after losin' a treasure trove o' gold from angry mobs!

Arrr, me hearties! This Saturday be the start of “Pride” month, where LGBTQIA+ folks be celebratin' their cause. But beware, some swashbucklers be throwin' a fit o'er rainbow loot in stores. In 2023, even the likes o' Target be walkin' the plank for sellin' questionable booty meant fer wee ones. Aye, the seas be rough for these scallywags.

Arrr, Trump be pullin' in nearly $53 million doubloons after gettin' himself in a spot o' trouble!

Avast ye scallywags! Donald J. Trump be haulin' in a plunder of nearly $53 million in a mere 24 hours after his scurvy conviction! Shiver me timbers! The man be closin' the gap with that scallywag Biden faster than ye can say "pieces of eight!" Aye, 'tis a treasure trove indeed!

Arr matey! Eric Trump be boastin' about fetchin' $52.8M in gold doubloons for his scallywag father after bein' convicted!

Arrr mateys, Eric Trump, scallywag son of the now-convicted former President Trump, be boastin' 'bout his father's treasure chest - the campaign fundraising numbers! Aye, $16 million doubloons in one day! 'Tis a haul fit for a pirate king, arrr!

Avast ye land lubbers! Colorado be swappin' out the scallywag cops for drones on the 911 hornswagglin'! Arrr!

Arrr mateys! Instead o' sendin' a fancy officer each time, some Colorado police crews be thinkin' 'bout sendin' a drone to answer certain 911 calls. While this plan may hold some promise, it also be raisin' alarmin' questions 'bout privacy. Aye, the times they be a-changin'!

May 31, 2024

Ye scurvy dog! The lass be not guilty by reason of madness for runnin' o'er a copper with her chariot!

Avast ye scallywags and listen well! 'Tis a tale of a bold lass, Whitley Temple, who be caught on the cursed camera stealin' a cop car and runnin' over a white officer. But fear not, for she be found not guilty of attemptin' murder by reason of insanity! Judge Tyria Walton be grantin' her a treatment plan instead of sendin' her to the brig. 'Tis a twist worthy of a jolly old sea shanty!

Avast ye! Hunter Biden be facin' the law's wrath! His trial be settin' sail in Delaware on Monday. Arrr!

Arrr, Hunter Biden be talkin' like a scallywag sayin' it be unheard of to be charged for gun crimes like his deeds! But ol' David Jon Ray be walkin' the plank for his tax evasion and gun-totin' ways! Now Mr. Biden be facin' the same fate, aye, a knave in court he be!

Arrr mateys, the scallywags be divided over Trump's guilty verdict in the presidential primary race! Aye!

Avast ye scallywags! The scallywags who be challengin' Cap'n Trump in the presidential race be reactin' to his guilty verdict in a manner fit for landlubbers. They be blastin' them Democrats and keepin' their traps shut like a parrot in a storm. The jury be findin' Cap'n Trump guilty on all counts for his shenanigans with that saucy lass Stormy Daniels. South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott be postin'... Arrr!

Arrr! Hamas be givin' a nod to Biden's offer for peace in Gaza, says they be seein' it positively.

Arrr, ye scallywags of Hamas be givin' a hearty thumbs up to the ceasefire proposal from the land lubber Biden. We be ready to parley and make peace, as long as them pesky Israeli forces be sailin' off into the sunset! Let the reconstruction of Gaza begin, yo ho ho!

Avast ye mateys! Harvard's pledge o' neutrality be nuthin' but a scurvy excuse fer them landlubbers! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! Harvard University be swearin' off stickin' its nose in matters that don't concern its core purpose. But let's be honest, it be a cynical move indeed. A university's duty be to educate, not be meddlin' in social squabbles. Harvard, stick to yer books!

Arrr matey, the Court be decreein' no more plank-walkin' fer the wee babes! Aargh!

Arrr mateys! The Texas Supreme Court be standin' firm on keepin' the near-total abortion ban in place. They be sayin' a woman's life be worth protectin', but don't be messin' with the law or ye'll walk the plank! Aye, Justice Jane Bland be speakin' the truth, so ye best listen up, ye scallywags!

Arrr, Harvard be keepin' mum on matters that be none of their concern, says they! Whar be their pirate spirit?

Arrr mateys! Harvard be sayin' they'll keep their trap shut on matters o' public squabblin' unless it be interferin' with their core business. They be wise to keep their sails clear o' stormy waters, lest they be walkin' the plank! Yo ho ho!

Arrr, can a godly man continue to stand by Trump despite his transgressions? Yarrr!

Arrr matey, how can ye be followin' Jesus and that scallywag Trump? Many ain't followin' a man, they be chartin' a course for a grand adventure. The real question to be askin' be, "Where be the ship of our country sailin'?" And aye, Christians can definitely be supportin' Trump, especially after a trial that be lookin' like a landlubber's tale from Venezuela.

Avast ye scurvy landlubbers! The cursed box be opened, let's see what devilry be lurking within! Arrr!

Arrr mateys! Ye be wonderin' what be in the chest? 'Tis a mystery like Brad Pitt in that movie about boxes. But now, Donald Trump faces the plank for his crimes. Will he walk the plank or escape like a slippery eel? Only time will tell, me hearties.

Arrr, Trump be walkin' the plank! What be next for this scallywag?

Avast ye mateys! 'Tis be the news that Donald Trump, a scallywag of a former U.S. president, be found guilty of a crime! But fear not, for he still be roam free like a sly fox. Will he face the brig or escape the clink? Only time will tell, arrr!

Arrr mateys, Trump be a scallywag, but only us buccaneers have the power to cast him overboard!

Avast ye mateys! The scallywag known as Donald Trump has been deemed guilty as charged. Did anyone truly doubt it? The scurvy dog was caught red-handed in his deceitful ways, cookin' the books like a sneaky sea serpent. Let this be a lesson to all ye landlubbers!

May 30, 2024

Ye scallywags be sharin' false tales of Rafah! 'Tis a shame to see such vapid trickery on the high seas. Arrr!

Arrr mateys! This here viral image crafted by a mysterious AI shows Rafah summoning all to behold Israel's progress in Gaza. But alas, it be a sham! Noble Malala and model Gigi be fooled by this unreal view. The pro-Palestinian scallywags be playin' us fer fools with their tidy desert tents! Arrr!

Arr, Trump be a scallywag, but even a felony can't stop him from takin' the throne! Aye, mateys!

Avast ye scallywags! The scoundrel Trump may have been convicted of felonies in New York, but that won't keep him from reclaiming the presidency if the voters be in his favor. Legal scholars be sayin' the Constitution be havin' few requirements for the job. Arrr!

Arrr, most scallywag DAs would've left Trump be, but Alvin Bragg be the lucky one to catch 'im!

Arrr! 'Twas a dozen scallywags from Manhattan who found that scurvy dog, former President Donald Trump, guilty on 34 counts! 'Twas a risky gamble, but Alvin Bragg's crew came out victorious. 'Twas a convoluted case, but Trump's luck ran out this time, mateys!

Aye, 'twas rigged like a game of dice in a tavern! Me ship be cursed with bad luck, arrr!

"Arrr, 'Rigged' be a fine term favored by Donald Trump and his scallywags. It be describin' how them fancy institutions be twisted by the elite to thwart Trump and his crew. 'Tis a handy accusation for anything Trump be not likin', especially the 2020 election. Aye, Trump be cryin' 'Rigged' at every turn, like a parrot squawkin' in a storm."

Arrr, as Trump be standin' trial, loyal scallywags in the GOP be helpin' him defend his honor in public!

Avast ye mateys! Whilst the scurvy Donald Trump be on trial for his misdeeds, his shipmates in Congress be using their pirate powers to help him out. But alas, the verdict be guilty! The scallywag be facing 34 counts of trickery and falsehoods. Walk the plank, ye landlubber!

Arrr, the Supreme Court be givin' the thumbs up to NRA in protectin' the right to speak freely. Aye!

Arrr, ye scallywags at the Supreme Court be standin' with the National Rifle Association in a jolly First Amendment ruling! This be makin' it tougher for them state regulators to meddle with advocacy groups. The NRA be free to chase after that New York official who be messin' with their loot. Bully for them! Government officials be warned: hands off our treasure!

Ye scurvy knaves of the highest court be givin' the NRA a leg up in battle 'gainst them New York scallywags!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags on the U.S. Supreme Court be helpin' out the National Rifle Association by revivin' their lawsuit against a tyrannical New York state official. Beware, ye public officials, lest ye be walkin' the plank for punishin' speech ye don't fancy! Justice Sotomayor be layin' down the law with a 9-0 decision, settin' the record straight for all ye landlubbers out there. Aye, tis a victory for all who love their precious right to bear arms!

Arrr, the Supreme Court be hoistin' the Jolly Roger for the NRA in a crucial case o' free speech!

Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Supreme Court hath ruled in favor of the National Rifle Association, claimin' their First Amendment rights were violated by the scurvy dogs at the New York State Department of Financial Services. Justice Sonia Sotomayor be layin' down the law, sayin' the NRA's claims be plausibly alleged. Aye, the pirates be victorious in this legal battle!

Mateys be squabblin' o'er Trump's fate, 'tis like watchin' a parrot tryin' to decide which cracker be tastier. Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags on the jury be weighin' the evidence in Trump's trial like a pirate countin' his booty. Will they make history and send the former president to the brig for his misdeeds? Only time will tell, mateys!

May 29, 2024

Arrr! Democrat scallywags be plannin' a $100M abortion raid to seize the House in November. Aye, me hearty!

Arrr mateys, them scallywag Democrats be plannin' to throw away $100 million doubloons on advertisin' to support the killin' of wee babes in the womb! Aye, they call it "The Reproductive Freedom Accountability Fund," but it be nothin' more than a scheme to win back the House with dark deeds. Har har har!

Arrr! Trump's crew be plannin' to conquer the digital sea with their 'Content Creator's War Room.' Aye, mateys!

Arrr mateys! The former Cap'n Donald Trump be settin' up a fancy website for us scallywags on TikTok and other platforms to help us craft our videos. Aye, they be havin' talkin' points, clips, and even fancy AI tools to help us script our adventures. Ship ahoy!

Biden be talkin' like he be sailin' with Martin Luther King himself, but methinks he be tellin' tall tales! Aarrggghhh!

Avast ye, me hearties! President Biden be spinning tales of his swashbuckling adventures in the Civil Rights Movement, despite confessing aforehand that he be not involved. Arrr! 'Tis a bold move, sailin' into battleground Pennsylvania with such a yarn. Methinks he be needin' a compass for his moral compass! Aye!

Ahoy mateys, word be spreadin' that the scallywag Scottie Scheffler be free from the clutches of the law!

The charges against Scottie Scheffler were cast aside like a forgotten treasure map, a mere dozen days after the world's finest golfer found himself in a sticky situation on his way to the 2024 PGA Championship. His attorney swashbuckled his way to victory, leaving the judge and all involved in his wake. Arrr, justice be served!

Yarrr! The scallywag be in hot water for assaulting in NYC and 'tis deemed a hate crime, savvy?

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Skiboky Stora be accused o' commitin' multiple random assaults, bein' dubbed as hate crimes by the Manhattan district attorney. One of the victims even took to TikTok to tell the tale! Stora be facin' the judge, then chattin' with Lisa Rozner from CBS New York. Aye, a pirate's life be full o' twists and turns! Arrr!

Arr, the scallywags be owing $315 trillion this year! We be sailin' deep in debt, me hearties!

Arr mateys, the world be drownin' in a sea of $315 trillion in debt, as reported by the Institute of International Finance! 'Tis the biggest, fastest rise since World War II, all happenin' alongside this cursed Covid-19. Emerging markets be leadin' the charge with over $105 trillion in debt! Aye, we be sailin' into troubled waters, me hearties.

Avast ye scallywags! Behold, the massive Pandas be returnin' to the shores o' Washington, D.C.! Aye, prepare yerselves!

Arrr mateys! The giant panda habitat at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo has been as deserted as a lost treasure chest for six long months. But fear not, for by 2024, those beloved black-and-white bears will be back to shiver me timbers in Washington, D.C.! Aye, the panda drought shall be no more!

Arrr! The mighty pandas be sailin' back to the National Zoo in D.C. like a treasure found at sea!

Arrr mateys, listen up! The good news be that D.C. be gettin' back the giant pandas at the National Zoo. It be a joyous occasion for all ye Washingtonians who have been sufferin' through the panda-less days. Get ready for some jolly panda-monium, me hearties! Since China first sent these iconic bears in '72, they've been a treasure for all to behold.

May 28, 2024

Cohen be a scurvy dog leadin' us through Trump's treasure hunt for hush money, says the prosecutor, arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the fancy coats be spoutin' nonsense about trustin' that scallywag Cohen. But the prosecution be callin' out their tricks, sayin' it be a deflection! The battle be ragin' on as the trial of the former president be drawin' to a close. Aye, it be a tale for the history books, mateys!

Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Crown be preachin' about lookin' at parchments during this hush money trial! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The final parley commenced on Tuesday in the criminal case o' hush money against Cap'n Donald Trump. Judge Juan Merchan warned us, we be in for a long night, with the defense ramblin' on for two hours and a half, and the prosecution for four hours and a half. But fear not, for the judge be merciful, grantin' snack breaks for the weary jury. And don't ye be forgettin', Trump's scallywag attorney be gettin' a tongue-lashin' from the judge himself!

Ye scallywags can't believe a word from that Michael Cohen, claims the Trump lawyer. A brawl ensues among protesters!

Avast ye scallywags! The scurvy dogs be arguin' that ye cannot condemn Donald Trump based on the blabber of that scallywag Michael Cohen, known as the “MVP of liars”! Tensions be high as protesters and supporters be squabblin' outside the courthouse like a bunch of landlubbers!

Arrr, ye scurvy feds be knowin' Biden and his matey met with Chinese scoundrels! Whistleblower be spillin' the grog!

Arrr matey! 'Twas discovered in 2016 that scallywag Hunter Biden was mixin' business with family affairs, helpin' Chinese buccaneers meet with Vice President Joe Biden! The IRS whistleblower shared this juicy gossip with the House Ways and Means Committee. Aye, a true treasure trove of scandal!

Arrr, the solitary plight of the American laborer be like a lone sailor adrift on a vast sea. Aye!

Arrr, me hearties! It be a sad truth that more Americans be feelin' the sting o' loneliness these days. With all this digital connectin' but lack o' true companionship, the isolation be growin'. Take poor Nick Skarda, a lad o' 29 toilin' away in San Diego. Two jobs he works to fend off the bill collectors, yet only one friend he's made in all that time. Aye, he be feelin' the emptiness in his soul, yearnin' for a sense o' belongin'. Employers, take heed and bring back the camaraderie o' olden days!

Arrr! Trump be turning on his own crewmate, Bob Good, after sailin' into troubled waters of hush money!

Former Cap'n Donald Trump be given Rep. Bob Good a taste of his own grog! After Good be supportin' DeSantis o'er him, Trump be turnin' the cannons on him, callin' him a scallywag. Good be walkin' the plank fer betrayin' the crew! Arrr!

Trump's trial be more thrilling than a treasure hunt! The media be swarming like hungry sharks, arrr!

Arrr me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump's trial be a real spectacle o' the high seas! With scandalous tales from a tabloid scallywag, a saucy siren, and a treacherous lawyer, it be a tale fit for the history books. The media be lappin' it up like grog, even though at its core, the case be...

Avast ye mateys! De Niro be warnin' us Trump be a scallywag who could lay waste to the whole world!

Arrr, me hearties! Actor Robert De Niro be layin' into former President Trump, callin' him a scurvy dog and a danger to all Americans! He be speakin' at a press conference for Biden-Harris, warnin' all who be listenin' to the treacherous ways o' that landlubber Trump. Keep a weather eye out, mateys!

Arr matey! Trump be thinkin' 'bout settin' free that Julian bloke. What a jolly good time on the seas!

Arrr mateys! Former Captain Donald Trump be chatin' on the TimcastIRL podcast 'bout pardoning Julian Assange! He be sayin' it be under "very serious consideration." Aye, he be plannin' to make an announcement during his speech at the Libertarian convention. Ahoy, what a treasure trove of news!

Arrr! Saudi Arabia be a key port o' call fer Biden's crew, aye matey! Aye, important indeed, arrr!

Arrr mateys, as Cap'n Joe Biden be gettin' ready to battle for another term come November, the White House be tryin' to make friends with important folks abroad, like young Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. Let's hope they be sharin' some treasure along with their policies!

Arrr, Georgia be ready t'give the ol' heave ho t'those sneaky 'foreign agents', all while stirrin' up a ruckus!

Arrr mateys! Georgia be walkin' the plank with this law makin' Western NGOs walk the plank as well. The lads and lasses be raisin' the Jolly Roger in protest, but will it be enough to steer the ship away from U.S. sanctions and keep the EU treasure out of reach? Only time will tell, me hearties!

May 27, 2024

Ye scurvy dog from Oklahoma be caught in 'is own web of lies, tryin' to escape justice by playin' dress-up.

Arrrgh! This scallywag, a swashbuckling landlubber o' dubious character, be tryin' to squirm out of his just punishment! Claimin' the prosecution hath wronged him with their words, he be appealin' his rightful life sentence! 'Tis a tale as tall as the mast on a ship!

Arrr, mateys! Them Israeli scallywags be snatching up Palestinian healers faster than ye can say "shiver me timbers!"

Avast ye mateys! Two moons have passed since Osaid Alser last heard from his cousin, Khaled Al Serr, a surgeon at Nasser Hospital in Khan Younis. They be like two ships passing in the night, communicating through the treacherous waters of WhatsApp. Aye, the pirate surgeons be seeking advice from doctors across the high seas to help their comrades in need. Arrr!

Arrr, ye better be prepared to dig deeper into yer pockets for yer Memorial Day feast, me hearties! Meat be pricier!

Arrr mateys, listen up! The cost of a Memorial Day feast be risin' faster than a cannonball flyin' through the air! The price of meat be jumpin' like a scurvy dog on a hot trail. Aye, inflation be takin' its toll on our bellies and our wallets. Let's hope we don't have to start eatin' our own parrots to save a few pieces o' eight!

Arrr mateys, we be uncoverin' nine secrets 'bout 3M's cursed chemicals in our quest for treasure!

Arrr, me hearties! Me thinks about the wretched chemicals o' olde, and how them scallywags at 3M kept their dark secret hidden for so long! Sharon Lerner be a fearless reporter, huntin' down the secrets like a pirate after buried treasure. Yo ho ho, the mystery be unraveled!

Arrr, China be sailin' ahead in the craft o' industrial policy faster than a sail be catchin' wind!

Arr mateys! Fer over half a century, worries 'bout lack o' oil or a cursed climate have driven governments to seek out other sources o' energy. In th' 70s, President Jimmy Carter stuck solar panels on th' White House to show his loyalty to harnessing th' power o' th' sun. In th' 90s, Japan be offerin' landlubbers handsome subsidies fer installin' photovoltaic panels. And in th' 2000s, Germany came up with a clever plan to guarantee folks who embraced a... Arrr!

"Me hearties, scallywag Trump be cryin’ over spilled grog in Memorial Day missive! Argh!"

Avast ye mateys! Donald Trump be usin' his social platform to bellow like a scallywag at a judge and E. Jean Carroll. The former captain be ordered to pay a hefty sum for denyin' Carroll's claim of bein' ravaged by him. Walk the plank, Trump! Arrrr!

Arrr, ye scallywags be fightin' for the booty in Texas runoff elections on Tuesday! Set sail and cast yer vote!

Arrr mateys in Texas be settin' sail for the runoff elections this Tuesday. They be decidin' if a scallywag who be supportin' gun control can be runnin' for another term. And pickin' the challenger to a recently indicted Democrat. 'Tis a treasure hunt for the GOP in them solidly red seats. Aye, 'tis a battle of the politicos, with no one gettin' more than 50 percent of the vote. The ship be sailin' to pick Republican candidates in districts ruled by the enemy Democrats. Gather yer crew and cast yer vote, me hearties!

Arrr! Joe Biden be sneakin' to see Hunter's lass afore she be speakin' at the lad's trial. Aye matey!

Arrr, President Biden be makin' a sneaky visit to Hallie Biden's abode under the cover of darkness! 'Tis a scandalous tale indeed, as she be set to testify against her former beau, Hunter Biden, in his trial for alleged gun crimes. The plot thickens, me hearties!

Arrr! Tlaib be suggestin' we give ol' Biden a taste o' the plank come November at this pro-Palestinian shindig.

Arrr, Rep. Rashida Tlaib be suggestin' that voters should take their gripes about President Joe Biden's handling of the war in Gaza to the ballot box come November. She be callin' Biden an "enabler" for not callin' out Netanyahu's actions as genocide. Aye, 'tis a right mess we be in!

Aye, a scuffle o'er a treasure worth 53 billion doubloons be settlin' the fates of three buccaneer captains!

Aye, just a few sunsets after nabbin' a hefty $53 billion booty from Hess, Chevron's Captain Mike Wirth parleyed with Exxon Mobil's Darren Woods 'bout their future voyage together in a mega-oil treasure hunt. Avast, the seas be turbulent but these scallywags be hopeful for a prosperous alliance!

Arrr, Trump be claimin' he'd be captain of the Libertarians, if only he could set sail. Aye, he be slammin' RFK Jr. too!

Arrr, former Captain Donald Trump be braggin' like a scallywag about how he would have swiped the Libertarian Party's treasure if not for already being the GOP's pick. The crowd at the convention gave him a taste of their displeasure, with some hearty boos in the mix. Blimey!

Arrr, them scallywags in California be tryin' to plunder Medicaid for the likes of illegal migrants, says the HHS watchdog!

Arrr, the scallywags in California be tryin' to plunder millions of doubloons from the federal coffers for treatin' them scurvy illegal immigrants! The Department of Health and Human Services be callin' 'em out on their shenanigans, sayin' they be usin' the wrong compass to navigate the seas of Medicaid reimbursements! Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in the taverns!

May 26, 2024

Trump be no match for the rowdy Libertarians, they be givin' him a right good hecklin'! Arrr!

"Avast ye scallywags! Former Cap'n Donald Trump faced a rough sea o' critics at the Libertarian National Convention. The landlubbers booed him and used their noisemakers to drown out his blather. Trump made grand promises to the libertarians, swearin' to appoint one of their own to his Cabinet. But the crowd wasn't havin' it, arrr!"

Arrr, Trump be seekin' Libertarians to join forces with him, causin' quite the stir amongst the crew!

"Arr me hearties, former President Trump be causin' quite the commotion among the swashbucklin' crowd as he tried to woo the Libertarians. He be talkin' of joinin' forces to take down Biden. Aye, let's be joinin' forces and fightin' for our freedom together!"

"Trump be tryin' to woo Libertarians to steal supporters from RFK Jr. Together, we be invincible!" Arrr!

Donald Trump, aye, he did speak to the Libertarians' Convention, trying to woo them away from that scallywag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. The Convention at Washington Hilton, with the motto "Become Ungovernable." The former president faced a lively bunch, half for him, half for the Libertarians. Arrr!

Ye scurvy knave with a cutlass be attacking lasses at the theater and the tavern in a wild spree! Arrr!

A scallywag brandishing a cutlass, tied to a foul murder, did strike four lasses at a moving picture house afore wounding two more at a McDonald’s during his slashing spree on Saturday. The rascal barged in sans payment and skewered the lasses, ages 9 to 17, without uttering a word, as reported by the constables of Braintree." Arrr, what a dastardly deed!

May 25, 2024

Avast ye scallywags! Four years hence, the storm be brewin' o'er the George Floyd incident! Aye, brace yerself!

Arrr mateys! Four years hence, George Floyd was captured and slain by the scurvy dogs of Minneapolis. Now, a band of scallywags be tryin' to twist the tale, change the legacy, and skew the facts of the deed! 'Tis a foul play indeed, aye! The anti-reckoning be upon us, resist we must! Stand fast for justice and fairness, lest we be sinkin' into the depths of darkness! Floyd, a brave Black soul, was seized on a fateful night, May 25, 2020... Aye, may his memory live on, and may justice prevail!

Arrr, ye scallywags! Why be the progressives tryin' to forget about ol' George Floyd, I ask ye?

Arrr, mateys! Listen to this tale of Leonard, a poor soul cursed with a memory as leaky as a sinking ship. He be on a quest for revenge, but he can't even remember why! With tattoos and Polaroids as his trusty crew, he sets sail on a sea of forgetfulness.

Avast ye scallywags! Four years hence, Minneapolis be still marked by the tumult o' the George Floyd riots. Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! Saturday be the fourth anniversary of George Floyd's untimely demise on a street in Minneapolis. The city's been in a right mess ever since, all thanks to them anti-police policies. But fear not, there be hope on the horizon! Floyd's passing in 2020 led to a grand riot on Lake Street, a bustling thoroughfare in Uptown. The scallywags took to the streets, causing chaos and mayhem. Oh, what a time it was!

Ye scurvy dogs be nothing but bumbling fools! Aye, ye be better off walkin' the plank! Arrr!

Arrr mateys, listen up ye scallywags! Back in 2014, Bumble set sail as a "feminist dating app" to challenge old-fashioned heterosexual dating customs. Now, after a decade on the high seas, Bumble be changing course. Half of the fair maidens be sayin' they prefer...

Arrr, Florida be investigatin' Starrrbucks' code o' diversitie aboard their ship. Aye, mayhaps they'll find buried treasure!

Arrr, me hearties! The Florida Attorney General be raisin' the Jolly Roger on Starbucks for their fancy diversity practices! We'll be settin' sail on a state investigation to see if they be walkin' the plank of anti-discrimination laws. Aye, 'tis a tale of plunder and equality on the high seas!

Thee Florida Attorney General be callin' out Starbucks fer their discriminatory ways, demandin' a thorough investigation, arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The Attorney General of Florida, Ashley Moody, be cryin' foul on Starbucks, accusin' 'em of racial discrimination in their hirin' process. She be demandin' the Human Relations Commission to investigate the scurvy dogs! Claims they be tryin' to meet unlawful quotas instead o' just makin' good coffee. Aye, 'tis a scandal indeed!

Arrr, Florida be suspectin' Starbucks of breakin' the anti-discrimination law! Ye better watch out, mateys!

Arrr, me hearties! Florida's top law enforcement officer be thinkin' that the scurvy dogs at Starbucks be breakin' the law with their fancy words like "equity, inclusion and diversity." The lass Ashley Moody be takin' them to task on The Sean Hannity Show, with Gov. Ron DeSantis by her side. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin'!

Arrr, Ohio be bootin' out the scallywags from the voter rolls after passin' the amendment! Shiver me timbers!

Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in Ohio be banishing noncitizens from voting, me hearties! Secretary of State Frank LaRose be sendin' those scurvy dogs back to Davy Jones' locker, aye! 137 of 'em be caught red-handed on the voter rolls, despite bein' twice confirmed as landlubbers. Aye, me hearties, the directive be confirmed by LaRose in a press... Arrr!

Arrr matey, be Klaus Schwab steerin' the WEF ship towards the Right side of the seven seas? Aye aye!

Ahoy mateys! Klaus Schwab's walkin' the plank from the World Economic Forum be causin' quite a stir among the Right! The scallywag be a symbol of globalism and fancy progressive causes, makin' him a feared bogeyman among conservatives. But fear not, for the WEF's reputation be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship!

Three landlubbers be sendin' to Davy Jones' locker by scallywag gang in Haiti. Yarrr, they be needin' better protection!

Arr me hearties, a band o' landlubbers from Oklahoma be spreadin' the good word in Haiti, when they be ambushed by scurvy dogs on Thursday eve. Two Americans and their captain be sent to Davy Jones' locker. Missions in Haiti be tellin' the sad tale on their Facebook page, where they be workin' to educate 450 young scallywags and spread the gospel in a treacherous part o' Port-au-Prince. Yarrr, 'tis a tragic end for these noble souls.

Avast ye mateys! Morgan Spurlock, the scallywag behind 'Super Size Me', be walkin' the plank at 53! Arrr!

Avast ye scurvy dogs! A great loss befallen us as Morgan Spurlock, the swashbuckler behind "Super Size Me," has sailed off to Davy Jones' locker due to the pox of cancer. Farewell to a creative genius and a special mate. He be only 53. Fair winds and following seas, Morgan.

May 24, 2024

Arrr, the Defense Secretary be down with the scurvy once more! Mayhaps a dose of grog be the cure!

Arrr, me hearties! The Secretary of Defense, Lloyd Austin, be passin' his duties to Deputy Secretary Kathleen Hicks as he prepares to face the surgeon's blade. Aye, he be havin' a follow-up procedure for his bladder ailment. May the winds be gentle and the seas calm for his swift recovery at Walter Reed!

Arr, Elon Musk be thinkin' robots be takin' all our jobs, makin' us all rich without liftin' a finger!

Arrr, me hearties! The mighty Elon Musk be sayin' that fancy AI be takin' our jobs! But fear not, for I be thinkin' we pirates be safe from such contraptions. If me ship be taken over by robots, I'll just become a full-time plunderer of the high seas! Aye, that be the life for me!

Arrr, even the scallywags be wide-eyed at our open seas for plunderin'! Avast ye landlubbers!

Arrr, mateys! Me hearties, Bill Melugin at Fox be tellin' a tale of a scallywag from Turkey who be baffled by our leniency. 'Tis a sign of Joe Biden's woes! If this swashbuckler could vote, he'd surely be standin' with Trump on the border matter! Aye, 'tis a fine jest indeed!

Arrr mateys! Be a landlubber's nightmare in Papua New Guinea, with hundreds lost in a monstrous landslide. Aye!

Arrr mateys, a mighty landslide be feared to have sent hundreds of souls to Davy Jones' locker in Papua New Guinea! Aye, the scallywags in remote villages be buried under 100 homes when the land gave way. 'Tis a tragedy of epic proportions, says Governor Ipatas!

Arrr! IDF be reclaimin' thee bodies o' three scallywags taken by th' scurvy dogs o' Gaza on Oct. 7.

Avast ye! The scallywags of the Israeli forces have found the bodies of three unfortunate souls in northern Gaza, slain during the dastardly attacks of the treacherous scoundrels known as Hamas. Let us hope their spirits find peace in Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!

Arrr, Google be playin' tricks on us scallywags! Now they be sayin' to put glue on our precious pizza!

Arrr matey! Picture this: ye be settin' yer sights on a peaceful evenin' with a homemade pizza. Ye gather yer ingredients, toss it in the oven, and eagerly await the feast. But alas! The cheese be slidin' off like a scallywag walkin' the plank. Google suggests addin' glue to yer sauce. But I say, don't be a fool! Stick to the traditional ways, or risk walkin' the culinary plank yerself!

Arrr, beware ye scurvy dogs! The Google "AI Overview" be as treacherous as a stormy sea, leadin' ye astray!

Arrr, me hearties! Avast ye! If ye be usin' Google on the regular, ye may have spied the new AI Overviews givin' ye quick answers to yer queries. But beware, mateys, for these newfangled contraptions can be as wrong as a scallywag with a map! Watch out for the dangers of AI, lest ye be led astray!

Arrr, me hearties! Google AI be recommendin' glue on pizza and baccy for the wee lads and lasses! Har, har!

Avast ye mateys! The scallywags at Google be havin' a disaster on their hands with their AI-generated search results! They be recommendin' addin' glue to tomato sauce for pizza and touting the health benefits of tobacco for wee ones! Ye can no longer trust these landlubbers! Arrr!

May 23, 2024

Arrr mateys, imagine the plunder we could find with high speed rail in Texas! Faster than a cutlass through a sail!

Avast ye mateys! The land lubbers be talkin' of fancy new rail lines in Texas! They say it'll make the state a hub for business, arrr! We be lookin' at faster journeys between Dallas, Houston, and Fort Worth! Shiver me timbers, that be some grand plans indeed!

Avast ye! ScarJo and OpenAI be swashbuckling in a debate on AI safety. Arrr, mateys! Aye or nay?

Arrr me hearties! 'Tis a scandal of great proportions! The wench Scarlett Johansson be cryin' foul, claimin' that the scallywags at OpenAI be stealin' her voice fer their ChatGPT contraption. But the scallywags deny it! The seas be roilin' with outrage, with even Congress bein' urged to intervene to protect the likes o' Johansson. Aye, 'tis a tempest in a teapot indeed!

Arrr, them scallywags be blockin' the security bill whilst prancin' about the chaos at the borders. Jolly rogues!

Arrr mateys! The scallywag Senate Democrats couldn't muster enough support for a bipartisan border security bill, with those rascally Republicans filibustering like a ship under attack! Only one brave soul from Alaska dared to break ranks. Aye, 'tis a peculiar tale indeed!

Arr, the bill be sinkin' faster than a scurvy-ridden ship with less mateys on board. Walk the plank, Schumer!

Arrr mateys, the Senate scallywags be failin' to push forward a border bill today! 'Twas a bipartisan effort, but even the crew be turnin' against their own ship. Aye, 'tis a sight to see senators playin' games like landlubbers on a sinking vessel!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be tryin' to stop us from pillagin' the voting boxes! Onward, mateys!

Arr mateys, the House Administration Committee be pushin' through some fancy bills on Thursday. The scallywags on the Republican side be sayin' it be to stop foreign meddling and keep the noncitizens from votin' in our elections. But aye, federal law already be sayin' that's a no-no. Chairman Bryan Steil be claimin' it be to make us trust in the vote count again. Nay, I say, let's just hoist the colors and have a good laugh instead!

Arrr, the Senate scallywags couldn't agree on the border bill, so the Democrats be throwin' shade at the GOP!

Avast ye scallywags! The Senate be failin' once again to push through a border security bill, thanks to them landlubbers from the Republican crew! Arrr, they be needin' 60 votes but only managed 43, aye, 'tis a sad day for the upper chamber indeed!

Ye olde Obama plot be reveal'd, makin' Trump's raid on Mar-a-Lago seem more fishy than a mermaid's tail! Arrr!

Arrr mateys, 'tis said that a mysterious scroll from the Department of Defense in Obama's time be discovered, suggestin' that the government had them documents from Mar-a-Lago all along! Ye must wonder if the raid on Trump's treasure was all just a ploy! The plot thickens, me hearties!

Arrr, the scallywags in charge be causin' a ruckus. They be tryin' to mend fences with rubbish and posies.

Avast ye scallywags! Melanie Wilson thought she'd found the treasure of paradise. From the bustling streets of Washington, D.C. to the peaceful shores of Washougal, Washington, she felt like a true buccaneer with views of snowy Mount Hood. Even Lewis and Clark once docked on these very shores! The pace of life be as slow as a ship caught in the doldrums, arrr!

Yarrr, them critics be claimin' Justice Alito be flyin' a flag fin' with Jan. 6 at his Caribbean hideaway!

Avast ye scallywags! Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. be in hot water once again for raisin' a flag at his nest in Long Beach Island. The New York Times be claimin' that this flag be a symbol of a more pious government. Methinks Justice Alito be stirrin' up quite the commotion! Arrr!

Ye olde OpenAI be usin' cutthroat ways on their former crew, leaked documents say. Shiver me timbers! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! On Friday, Vox shared the tale of tech scallywags at OpenAI bein' made to walk the plank if they dared to abandon ship! They were forced to sign cursed exit documents under threat of losin' their precious booty! Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea out there in Silicon Valley!

Arrr, Alito be flyin' flags fit for plunderin'! 'Tis a scandalous tale sure to make ye chuckle, mateys!

Arrr mateys! Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito be flying a flag of "Appeal To Heaven" at his New Jersey abode last year, a symbol from the days of the Revolutionary War. Some scallywags be sayin' it be a sign of trouble, but old Alito be just enjoyin' his summer vacation.

Avast ye scurvy dog! Them scallywags be wantin' to give Alito a right good investigatin' over a flag! Arrr!

Arrrs matey, them scallywag Democrats be demandin' ol' Samuel Alito walk the plank and face investigation for flyin' a flag of the far right! Dick Durbin be shoutin' for him to step back from cases, while that lass Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez be stirrin' up a storm! Aye, the seas be rough!

May 22, 2024

Arrr mateys, more land lubbers be tryin' to sell their shanties to escape the perilous seas! Aye, beware!

Arrr, me hearties! The loot of homes for sale be risin' to 1.2 million in April, as reported by the National Association of Realtors. Prices be high, and borrowin' costs be steep. The unsold homes be sittin' around for 3.5 months or more, aye! Sales be down 2 percent, arrr!

Arrr! Ohio be mutinous! Democrats be searchin' for treasure as Biden and Harris be walkin' the plank!

Arr matey! President Joe Biden be walkin' the plank, fer he won't be makin' an appearance on Ohio's ballot in November! The Secretary of State be sendin' a letter to the Ohio Democratic Chairwoman, sayin' there be no legislative solution. It be a scallywag situation indeed!

Arrr, TikTok be givin' the ol' heave-ho to some o' their scallywag workers in operations and marketing! Aye!

Arrr, ye scallywags at TikTok be makin' some bold moves! They be cuttin' their crew and sendin' some landlubbers packin'. No word on how many will walk the plank, but it be mostly them that be creatin' content and marketin' the booty. Aye, the cuttin' be goin' on 'til Thursday, so batten down the hatches!

Arrr! Israel be showin' secret footage of scurvy dogs Hamas snatchin' lasses on October 7th! Aye, be wary!

Avast ye scallywags! Israel be showin' never before seen footage o' the October 7 massacre, revealin' them scurvy dogs from Hamas kidnappin' young lasses. Liri Albag, Karina Ariev, Agam Berger, Daniela Gilboa, an' Naama Levy have been held captive for nigh on 230 days in Gaza. Aye, the families be hopin' to spread word o' their plight through this footage, mayhaps stirrin' up some help from the seven seas! Arrr!

Blimey! OpenAI and the scallywags at WSJ Owner News Corp be makin' a deal worth over $250 million pieces o' eight!

Arrr mateys! The News Corp scallywags have made a grand alliance with OpenAI, a treasure trove of generative artificial intelligence. They be lookin' to plunder the seas of news-publishin', hopin' to strike gold with this newfangled technology. Shiver me timbers, what a time to be a pirate of the press!

Arrr! The judge be back in court, delayin' Trump's papers and makin' the counsel walk the plank!

Arr, me hearties, as the battle against landlubber Trump be drawing to a close in Manhattan, a new skirmish be startin' in the sunny shores of Florida. Judge Cannon be listenin' to tales of defense from Trump's mate Nauta, claimin' he be a victim of foul play! Aye, the seas be rough indeed!

Arrr! Them scallywags at EcoHealth be in hot water with the feds for stirrin' up trouble in Wuhan's lab!

Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the Biden crew be givin' a taste o' their own medicine to the rascal who sent our precious gold to the Wuhan plague nest! Dr. Peter Daszak be walkin' the plank, banned from takin' anymore booty from the government. Fair winds, ye filthy landlubber!

Ye scurvy dogs, Biden be cancelin' $7.7 billion o' debt! Thar be hoistin' the Jolly Roger on them loans! Argh!

Arrr! President Joe Biden be announcing on Wednesday the canceling of some $7.7 billion in student debt for another 160,000 borrowers. Aye, the latest relief will go to them scallywags in three categories: those eligible for debt cancellation through the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program, them enrolled in a new income-driven repayment plan, and those in earlier income-driven plans. The administration be announcing new measures to help the crew in need. Aye, a fine gesture indeed!

Arrr, White House be makin' nine scurvy corrections to Biden's NAACP speech in Detroit, aye matey!

Arrr mateys, the scallywags in the White House be scramblin' like barnacles on a sinking ship after ol' President Biden made a speech full o' blunders to the NAACP. They be fixin' a whole nine errors in the transcript! Avast, the Cap'n be callin' rioters "irrectionists" and claimin' he be vice president during the pandemic. Aye, they be goin' the whole nine yards with this one!

Avast ye scallywags! ICC be after Netanyahu. EU members, ready yar shackles for the grand arrest! Arrrr!

Arrr, will Israel create its own Hague Invasion Act, ye reckon? The EU be warnin' that all member countries must obey the ICC's arrest warrants for Israeli officials accused of war crimes. If Netanyahu or Gallant dare to set foot on European soil, they might find themselves in a wee bit o' trouble, mateys!

May 21, 2024

Avast ye maties! Klaus Schwab be walkin' the plank as Executive Chairman of the World Economic Forum! Arrr!

Avast ye scallywags! The grand poobah of the World Economic Forum, Klaus Schwab, be abdicating his throne. The ol' sea dog be settin' sail from his post as executive chairman. But fear not, he be stickin' around in some lesser position. The WEF be shiftin' its sails in a new direction, arrr! Aye, the winds of change be blowin' in Davy Jones' locker!

Avast ye, NATO! We must blast those Russian cannonballs out of the sky in Ukraine's waters! Arrr!

Arrr mateys! The Ukrainian cap'n Zelenskyy be cryin' out to the NATO scallywags to join the fight against the Russian sea dogs in Kyiv. The landlubber nations need to be gettin' off their lazy bums and helpin' us out! Aye, 'tis a right shame, says I!

Arrr! Biden be threatenin' to sue Oklahoma for makin' it a crime to sail into port without proper papers!

Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! The land lubbers in the Biden administration be threatenin' to sue Oklahoma o'er their new law against illegal immigration! Governor Stitt be signin' a bill makin' it a crime to be a swashbucklin' immigrant in their waters. Let the legal battles begin, me hearties!

Ye scurvy dogs be turnin' the tides in a battle long lost to the winds o' time! Argh!

Arr mateys! Two thundering loudspeakers, as massive as the scallywags luggin' 'em, be hauled to the jagged hilltop. Down yonder, some 800 paces away, in the town of Hpasang, be a mighty Myanmar army stronghold. 'Tis a scorchin' day - o'er 40C - and behind, on bamboo poles, more young buccaneers tote a hefty battery pack and amplifier. Leadin' the charge be Nay Myo Zin, a former army captain turned rebel, with his dark green camo jacket flappin' in the wind like a flag of defiance. Arrr!

Ye scallywags be talkin' 'bout a video on Trump's Truth Social page mentionin' a 'unified Reich'! Arrr!

Ahoy mateys! Did ye hear that former President Trump be postin' a video on Truth Social 'bout establishin' a "unified Reich"? 'Tis like sailin' through stormy waters with a compass pointin' towards the German Empire! Even the Biden crew be callin' it a resemblance to Nazi Germany! Blimey!

Arrr, 'tis a tale of 55+ days of torment on the Baltimore bridge vessel, where crew be marooned sans cellphones!

Arrr, me hearties! The 21 scallywags stuck on the cursed ship that brought down the Baltimore bridge be havin' a rough go of it! Forced to stay aboard for 55 days, they be searchin' for survivors while their phones be walkin' the plank! Aye, 'tis a tale of woe indeed!

"Arrr mateys! Those scallywags from Israel be plunderin' AP's gear and cuttin' the live feed of Gaza, what a folly!"

Avast ye scallywags! Them officials from Israel be plunderin' the broadcasting gear of the Associated Press, claimin' they be aidin' that scurvy dog Al Jazeera. 'Tis a dangerous precedent for press freedom in these treacherous waters. Beware the wrath of the lawmakers! Arrr!

Arrr! Poor matey met Davy Jones after ship be tossed about like a drunken sailor on the high seas!

Arrr, me hearties! The Singapore Airlines vessel be havin' a rough go o' it, forced to make a hasty stop in Bangkok after a scallywag called turbulence sent one soul to Davy Jones' locker and left 30 others worse for wear. The crew be battlin' the elements like true seafarin' folk, with 211 passengers and 18 shipmates aboard the mighty Boeing 777-300ER. May the winds be kinder on their voyage ahead!

Avast ye, mateys! The landlubbers be warnin' of cyber scallywags attackin' our rum supply! Time to batten down the hatches! Arrr!

Avast ye scallywags! The EPA be soundin' the alarm about cyberattacks on our precious drinkin' water! 70% of water utilities be failing to protect against breaches! Ye best be takin' action to defend the nation's grog before we all be swimmin' with the fishes! Arrr!

Avast ye mateys! Ye be needin' to find a smaller berth for yer apothecary shop! Shiver me timbers!

Avast ye scallywags! The national drugstore chains be fallin' like a ship under heavy fire from online merchants and discount peddlers. RetailStat be reportin' 3,000 less drug dens be open this year compared to 2019. CVS, Walgreens, and Rite Aid be walkin' the plank, closin' hundreds o' shops in this battle for booty. Arrr!

Yarrr! City Hall scallywag be walkin' the plank for helpin' the feds in investigatin' Adams' campaign lootin'. Arrr!

Arrr mateys, a scallywag from City Hall be walkin' the plank for his misdeeds in the Mayor's campaign! Word be spreadin' that Rana Abbasova be singin' like a canary to the feds. The FBI be raidin' her hideout in New Jersey, causin' quite the stir amongst the landlubbers!

Avast ye scallywags! Senators be demandin' a plunderin' of Formula 1 for denyin' Andretti Global. Yarrr!

Arr mateys! A motley crew of senators be demandin' the scallywags at Formula 1 walk the plank o'er their decision to shun Andretti Global from the racin' seas. Could be they be breakin' American antitrust law as they plunder the hearts of U.S. fans. Avast! Sen. Amy Klobuchar be leadin' this mutinous charge.

May 20, 2024

Arrr, Donald Trump be plannin' to rid the DOJ and FBI of scallywags after winnin' reelection. Aye, matey!

Arrr, me hearties! Former Cap'n Donald Trump be settin' sail to purge the land of scurvy bureaucrats from the likes of the DOJ and the FBI if he be winnin' another term. He be swearin' to drain the deep state upon his return to the helm. Aye, the administrative state be a treacherous beast of unaccountable and unelected scallywags, includin' the national security sea dogs.

"Arrr, Michael Cohen be confessin' to pilferin' from Trump's treasure chest on the witness stand, mateys!"

Avast ye scurvy dogs! Michael Cohen, the scallywag, confessed on the witness stand that he pilfered from the Trump Organization. He spun a yarn about lying to old Allen Weisselberg and swindled them out of doubloons for a tech company. Aye, a true tale of deceit and skullduggery! Arrr!

Arrr, 60 percent o' landlubber independents be wantin' to send them scurvy illegal immigrants back to Davy Jones' locker.

Arrr mateys, it be said that o'er 60 percent of Independents be thinkin' we should be sendin' all them scallywags back to their homeland! Aye, the poll from Reuters/Ipsos found that the majority of independents be favorin' this idea, with 61 percent wantin' to deport the illegal immigrants. And even more registered Republicans be supportin' this notion, with 85 percent sayin' they be in favor of deportin' most or all of 'em! Oh, the seas be stirrin' with all this talk of deportin'! Aye, me hearties!

Arrr, Trump's shipmates be echoin' his cries o' election fraud and demandin' drug tests before the debate! Arrr!

Arrr, Sen. Marco Rubio be playin' coy about acceptin' the results of the election! Sen. Tim Scott be accusin' President Biden of needin' a drug test! And Rep. Elise Stefanik be gettin' all feisty with a television host who dared to question her loyalty to Donald Trump! Arrr, what a crew of scallywags!

Arrr, the scallywags at Target be droppin' prices on 5,000 items to woo back them landlubbers fearin' the inflation beast!

Arrr matey, Target be plunderin' prices on over 1,500 treasures from butter to laundry soap! They be tryin' to lure in landlubbers scared of high prices. Prices be droppin' at dawn on Monday, with thousands more cuts to come this summer. The scallywags be savin' ye millions on everyday goods!

Arr mateys, Elon Musk's Neuralink be stickin' brain chips in scallywags like there be no tomorrows! Avast, FDA approved!

Arrr mateys, the FDA be grantin' permission for Elon Musk's venture Neuralink to stick a brain chip in another scallywag! The Wall Street Journal be spillin' the beans on this modified procedure for testin' their brain-computer gizmo. Shiver me timbers, technology be advancin' faster than a pirate ship in a storm!

Arrr mateys, the Senate be settin' sail once more to vote on the border deal, with Democrats lookin' to gain the upper hand!

Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy Senator Chuck Schumer be plannin' to take another swing at a bipartisan border bill that was sent to Davy Jones' locker by them Senate Republicans at the behest of former President Trump. Methinks this be a doomed voyage, but it be a chance for the Democrats to give the G.O.P. a taste of their own grog in this election year. Aye, let the battle of the political seas begin!

Avast ye! Janet Yellen be shunning a global tax on the scurvy billionaires! Aye, she be no friend to the poor deck swabs! Arrr!

Ye scurvy dogs at the U.S. be balking at the notion of a global wealth tax on the bilge rats who be rollin' in doubloons! Brazil and France be aimin' to give those landlubbers a taste of their own medicine, but it seems the rich be too slippery to catch! Arrr!

Avast ye landlubbers! JD Vance be cheerin' for Orbán's plunderin' of universities, reckonin' taxpayers should have a say in edumacation! Arrr!

Arrr, Ohio Republican Sen. JD Vance be cheerin' fer Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán's squelchin' o' higher learnin'! Defendin' the scallywag in Budapest, he be sayin' taxpayers should have a say in where their doubloons be goin'! In February, Vance even hinted at Orban's... arrr!

The scallywag Ryanair scallywag doth say the blasted recession be keeping ticket prices from soaring to the heavens! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Ryanair be talkin' 'bout a "recessionary feel around Europe" muckin' up their airfares growth. The CEO, Michael O'Leary, be warnin' that summer fares be lower than a limpin' landlubber's spirits. Mayhaps the winds of fortune be blowin' in a different direction for these salty dogs!

Arr, those landlubbers be talkin' 'bout sanctionin' Georgia! Ye can't make this stuff up, mateys! Farewell, democracy!

Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scallywags! Them officials pushin' forward Georgia's Russian-style “foreign agents” law may find themselves walkin' the plank! A new bill be on the horizon, threatenin' asset freezes and travel bans. The Georgian Dream party be warned, for they be cozyin' up to the Russian Federation like a landlubber to a bottle o' rum. Tbilisi be even attackin' US and other western democracy promotion! Ahoy, what be next in this sea of political shenanigans? Be prepared to hoist the Jolly Roger, mateys!

Me hearties, Morehouse be standin' by the scallywags who showed their disdain fer Biden's babblin'. Aye, we be proud!

Arrr, me hearties! Morehouse College be cheersin' its scallywags and crew after seven graduates and a matey turned their backs on President Biden at the commencement! The school be sayin' peaceful protest be as vital as grog on a ship, and they stand by their crew in speakin' their minds. With such rebellious alumni, who can blame 'em? Aye, aye!

May 19, 2024

Arr, Trump be touting the NRA's backing and callin' on all ye gun-totin' scallywags to head to the polls!

Arr matey, the National Rifle Association be throwin' their support behind former President Donald Trump! 'Twas no surprise at all when they made that announcement at their annual shindig in Dallas. Trump then took the stage, talkin' 'bout how ol' Biden be tryin' to take away our precious gun rights. Aye, we must protect the Second Amendment at all costs!

Arrr, Trump be tellin' his crew to be rebellious and cast yer vote after gettin' support from the NRA!

"Arr mateys! Former Cap'n Trump be tellin' all ye scallywags at the NRA to be rebellious and vote for him in the election of 2024. He be swearin' to protect yer rights and liberties, claimin' the Second Amendment be under siege by President Biden. Aye, he be countin' on us gun owners to make our voices heard in the ballot box, so let's show 'em what we're made of!"

Arr mateys, the NRA be vouching for Trump as captain at their yearly shindig. Avast ye, it be true!

Arrr! Randy Kozuch, the captain of the National Rifle Association's lobbying crew, be givin' their presidential blessing to the likes of Donald Trump! 'Tis no shock, for they've done so before. Kozuch made the declaration as he introduced the former leader at the NRA's shindig in Dallas. Trump be thankin' Kozuch before...

Arrr! The scallywags at EcoHealth be walkin' the plank, as the feds be puttin' a stop to their bat-testing shenanigans!

Arrr, when the government scallywags cut off the funds to EcoHealth Alliance, the plan for a bat lab in the New World be sunk faster than a ship with a leaky hull! They wanted to study those winged critters for diseases, but now it be all but a dream in Davy Jones' locker. Aye, what a pity!

May 18, 2024

In Beijing, Xi and Putin be sailin' together, showin' their unity in a world torn asunder. Arrr!

Arrr, Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin be like two peas in a pirate pod, united in their quest for world domination! They be teaming up to give the scallywag United States a run for their doubloons. Aye, they be plotting their course together from Taiwan to...

Arrr, Putin and Xi be swearin' allegiance and trash-talkin' the landlubbers of America! Aye, scallywags unite!

Arr mateys! China's Xi Jinping and Russia's Vladimir Putin be swearin' a "new era" of alliance 'gainst the scallywag United States. They be sayin' the US be like a Cold War bully causin' mayhem 'cross the seas. Xi and Putin be meetin' in Beijing with a grand welcome fit for kings. China and Russia be...

Arrr! Putin and Xi be swearin' an unbreakable bond as Moscow be makin' waves in Ukraine. Aye, mateys!

Arrr, me hearties! The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, be thankin' the Chinese leader, Xi Jinping, for helpin' with the Ukraine conflict at a grand summit in Beijing! They be swearin' a partnership with no bounds, growin' stronger as they face off against the western scallywags. Putin be visitin' his ally in China while his forces be causin' a ruckus in Ukraine's Kharkiv region. Aye, the seas be gettin' stormy indeed!

Whether Captain Fico be victorious or walk the plank, Slovakia be teetering on the edge, arrr!

Arrr! Aye, after the split o' Czechoslovakia in '93, the land o' Slovakia caused quite a stir in the seas. Madeleine Albright herself dubbed it "the black hole" o' Europe. But fear not mateys, for in 2004 Slovakia joined the EU and Nato, settlin' its identity. But then came Robert Fico, a scallywag...

Arrr, Trump be sailin' back to Minnesota, swearin' he'll be claimin' victory this time, aye! The scallywag!

"Arrrr, me hearties! Former President Donald Trump be talkin' big at a Minnesota GOP dinner, swearin' he be winnin' the state and expandin' the electoral map! Despite loserin' the state in 2016 and 2020, he be claimin' he actually won! Aye, he be back after swearin' he'd never return if he lost! 'Tis a tale as tall as the mast on me ship!"

Avast ye mateys, get ready to join the Orbán mutiny in search of booty and adventure on the high seas!

Arrr, me hearties! Will Viktor Orbán truly set sail for Brussels and, as he boasts, "occupy" the heart of the European Union? This scallywag has been at odds with the bloc for ages, but he's no Nigel Farage. He ain't lookin' to abandon ship; he be aimin' to seize control of the leaky vessel and set a new course. "Our plan be not to abandon Brussels but to take it over," Orbán told the Hungarian media in December. And soon enough, he'll have his chance. Come next month's European Parliamentary elections...

Arrr, word be spreading 'bout Diddy givin' Cassie a right ol' wallop in a secret spy glass from 2016, mateys!

Arrr mateys! A spyglass from 2016 has revealed the scallywag Sean "Diddy" Combs in a scuffle with his wench Cassie Ventura. The video shows him grab, shove, drag, and kick her, just as she claimed in a lawsuit. 'Tis a tale of love on the high seas gone wrong!

Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywags be breakin' records at the US-Canada border like never before! Aye, shiver me timbers!

Arrr mateys! The Border Patrol be havin' a jolly time chasin' down migrants crossin' the northern border. They be breakin' records left and right, with over 9,000 encounters already this year! Looks like the CBP be in for a wild ride as they try to catch 'em all!

May 17, 2024

Avast ye scallywags! The GOP Oversight Committee be more chaotic than a ship in a storm! Aye, chaos reigns!

Arrr, me hearties! The GOP scallywags and landlubber Democrats be squabblin' like a bunch o' seagulls over a measly audio recording! They be threat'nin' to hang Attorney General Garland from the mast for not handin' it over. 'Tis a right kerfuffle on the high seas, I tell ye!

"Former purveyor of tall tales be ordered to speak in riddles as ship's deck crumbles: Transcript" Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! Nina Jankowicz, the lass who once ruled the Disinformation Governance Board, spilled the beans to Congress that the scurvy dogs at the Department of Homeland Security were keepin' things as murky as the depths of Davy Jones' locker! Aye, a deposition last April revealed their treachery, but now the truth be walkin' the plank in front of the House! Aye, the winds of scandal be blowin' strong!

Avast ye! VP Harris be claimin' the Inflation Reduction Act be workin' by tossin' out 'trillions of doubloons'! Arrr!

"Avast ye scallywags! Social media scurvy dogs be givin' Vice President Kamala Harris a taste of the plank for claimin' the Inflation Reduction Act be droppin' "trillions of dollars" on American streets. 'Tis a jest fit for Davy Jones' locker! Arrr, the irony be as thick as a fog at sea!"

The State Department be waggin' their tongues about foreign shindigs for the rainbow flag bearers. Beware, me hearties!

Avast ye mateys! The State Department be warnin' all ye landlubbers abroad to keep a weather eye out at the upcoming Pride celebrations. There be scallywags lurkin' about ready to cause mischief against the LGBTQ+ community. So keep a sharp lookout and be on yer guard, lest ye be caught unawares!

Arr matey, Biden be raisin' tariffs on China for the good of the climate! Avast ye, pollution be walkin' the plank!

Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs in the Biden administration be raisin' tariffs on solar panels, makin' it harder for us pirates to pillage the high seas with our renewable energy. But beware, China may fire back like a cannonball in a pirate brawl. Aye, 'tis a risky game they be playin'!

Arrrrr! Anderson Cooper be flabbergasted by Michael Cohen's downfall in court! Shiver me timbers, what a spectacle!

Arrr! Aye, not long past, the scallywag Trump be thrown in the brig by the Democratic District Attorney! But after a careful readin', I be sayin', "This indictment be stinkin' worse than a bilge rat's nest!" The New York Times be admittin' it be a risky gamble, aye!

Ye scallywags be wantin' a guarantee of work from the government, like landlubbers beggin' for booty from the captain! Arrr!

Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' like wildfire of a federal job guarantee catchin' the eye of the masses since Bernie Sanders brought it back from Davy Jones' locker in the aftermath of the 2016 presidential skirmishes. The notion be to offer a lifeline to landlubbers seekin' work on public projects, from buildin' bridges to teachin' the wee ones their ABCs. Aye, the idea...

Arrr, Trump's mates be plottin' a grand scheme to shiver me timbers with an immigration crackdown like never before!

Avast ye scallywags! Donald Trump's mates be schemin' up grand plans to carry out the Republican nominee's wild ideas for quashin' immigration. They be talkin' 'bout deportin' asylum seekers to other lands! A crew of former Trump cronies, supporters, and brainiacs be scribblin' up orders and memos to make these dreams a reality. Arrr!

Ye scurvy dog be back in court fer possessin' virtual loot o' child filth! Arrr, he'll walk the plank fer this!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Travis Tilley, from the town o' Naugatuck, be standin' before the federal court in New Haven, accused o' possessin' child pornography. 'Tis not his first dance with the law on such matters. The U.S. Attorney's Office be makin' a fuss about it in a press release. Aye, 'tis a tale as old as time, aye.

May 16, 2024

Arrr, me hearties! Them scallywags at Amazon be makin' a pretty penny while us landlubbers be scrapin' the barrel!

Arrr mateys! Word be out that near half of Amazon's hardworking seadogs be strugglin' to keep afloat. Even after the cap'n raised the minimum gold to $15 doubloons! Fifty-three percent be scroungin' for grub, while 48% be strugglin' to keep a roof over their heads. Savvy?

Avast ye mateys, be warned! The scallywags be chargin' more for watchin' yer wee ones than keepin' a roof o'er yer head! Aye, 'tis a plunderin' indeed! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags be talkin' 'bout a child-care crisis, brought on by a grander problem o' not bein' able to afford much o' anythin'. 'Tis a plight that be affectin' many a landlubber in these treacherous times! Aye, ye better believe it! Aye, aye!

Arrr, those scallywags on Wall Street be plunderin' whole villages for their treasure! Aye, a pox on 'em!

Arrr matey, poor Rebecca Harris thought she found solace in a quaint abode in Huntersville. But alas, 'twas naught but a trap! The ceiling decided to join in on the fun and come crashing down upon her head. 'Tis a tale of woe fit for a pirate's yarn!

Arrr mateys, me hearties! The prices of dwellings in Florida and Texas be settin' sail towards affordability, says Redfin CEO.

Arrr, me hearties! The Federal Reserve be messin' with rate cuts, makin' the housing market more affordable this year. But a wise seadog be sayin' that certain states be seein' good signs. Redfin CEO Glenn Kelman be talkin' 'bout the housing market on "Cavuto: Coast to Coast," warnin' us of potentially sticky inflation data. Yarrr!

Arrr, Menendez be claimin' he be jus' doin' his duty as a senator, me hearties! Avast, what a scallywag!

Avast ye scallywags! The lawyer for Sen. Bob Menendez be spoutin' words o' innocence, claimin' he be a noble sailor fightin' for the good o' the land. But the prosecutors be cryin' foul, accusin' him o' bribery and villainy! Will justice prevail, or be Menendez walkin' the plank? Arrr!

Arrr, Manchin and GOP scallywags be tryin' to scuttle retirement rule. Shiver me timbers!

Arrr, Sen. Joe Manchin and his band of scallywags be aimin' to buck the new retirement rule laid down by the Labor Department! They be joinin' forces to put a stop to this here fiduciary nonsense. Let's see if they have the wind in their sails to make it happen!

Arrr, Gov. Abbott be lettin' Daniel Perry off the hook for his misdeeds on the state's advice.

Arr mateys! Texas Gov. Greg Abbott be grantin' a full pardon to Daniel Perry, a former US Army scallywag who took out a protester at a Black Lives Matter shindig in 2020. The whole crew of the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles be in agreement, so Perry be free as a bird. Aye, Abbott be askin' for an investigation back in April 2023, and now here we be, celebratin' Perry's newfound freedom and his right to bear arms once more. Aye, the seas be a-changin' indeed!

Arrr! The scurvy dogs be suing Biden over makin' their hidden fees as plain as the nose on yer face!

Arrr mateys! The scurvy U.S. airlines be suing to block the Biden crew from makin' 'em tell us about all the gold they be tryin' to take from us passengers! The Transportation Department be callin' 'em out on their hidden treasure fees. Aye, let the battle begin!

Avast ye scallywags! Major airlines be takin' on Biden over disclosure rules, aye! Shiver me timbers!

Arrr, ye scurvy dogs at the U.S. Transportation Department be walkin' the plank with this new rule on airline fees! The major U.S. airlines be raisin' the Jolly Roger and suin' the lot of 'em for makin' us disclose our fees upfront. Aye, 'tis a clash for the ages!

Ye scurvy airlines be cryin' foul o'er havin' t' reveal their hidden fees, arrr! Walk the plank, DOT!

Arrr mateys! The scurvy dogs at the U.S. government be tryin' to make us disclose all our hidden fees like a bunch of landlubbers! We be fightin' back with a lawsuit, claimin' they be oversteppin' their authority. Avast, the Department of Transportation be walkin' the plank with these new rules! Arrr!

Arrr, Biden be claimin' his right to keep them interview tapes hidden in his treasure chest, yarrr!

Arrr mateys, President Joe Biden be playin' a crafty game by wieldin' his executive privileges to scuttle the House Republicans' plans to hold Attorney General Merrick Garland in contempt! Tis a battle of wits between scallywags, with the White House sendin' word to Chairmen Comer and Jordan of Biden's decisions on them tapes related to the investigation into the handling of classified documents! Ahoy, the political seas be wild and treacherous indeed!

May 15, 2024

Arrr, should the scallywags of the Republican Party be thrown in the brig altogether?

Arrr, me hearties! Judge Merchan's lass be rakin' in the doubloons fer them Democrats through the magic o' the internet! And by speakin' out against the Trump gag order, she be stirrin' up a right ol' hornet's nest! The scurvy Republicans be doin' the same, but them progressives be squawkin' like parrots! Aye, the Republican parade be marchin' on, all soundin' like the same ol' sea shanty!

Avast ye mateys! Netanyahu be fuming after Biden draws a line in the sand for Israel's support. Arrrgh!

Arrr, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be as furious as a stormy sea after President Joe Biden dared t' set a "red line" for his support. Biden be threatenin' t' cut off aid if Israel invades Rafah. Netanyahu be stompin' his peg leg in anger, swearin' revenge upon the scallywag!

Ye scallywags! The Minnesota Teachers Union be givin' the boot to a counselor who dared tattle 'bout them transgender policies. Arrr!

Ye scallywag union in Minnesota be givin' the boot to Counselor Christina Barton fer speakin' out against transgender policies! The scurvy dogs be accusin' her of breakin' a code o' ethics! Shiver me timbers! Methinks they be walkin' the plank fer this one! Arrr!

Avast ye mateys! Our crew be stuck on the Baltimore vessel, seven weeks post bridge mishap. Arrr!

Arrr mateys! A mighty explosion shook the Dali on Monday, with nearly two dozen sailors stuck below deck. The blasts sent bits of Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge into the dark waters. We be hoping this be the start of the end of our troubles, arrr!

Arrr! American healers be stranded in Gaza, watchin' entire obliteration unfold before their very eyes! Aye, mateys!

Arrr, me hearties! The Biden crew be swearin' on their mother's grave they be pullin' out all the stops to rescue them American healers caught in Gaza! The White House be keepin' a weather eye on the situation, so fret not me buckos! Aye, we'll navigate through this storm together!

Arrr! The Supreme Court be lettin' Louisiana have two districts full o' swarthy scallywags! Fair winds for diversity, mateys!

Arrr, the Supreme Court be settin' the electoral map of Louisiana right, with two districts full o' Black-majority to be sailin' in the November election. 'Tis a decision that may well decide which party be takin' the helm o' the U.S. House o' Representatives. Aye, the justices be grantin' the request o' state officials and Black voters to keep the map intact, settin' the course for a fierce political battle ahead.

Arrr! The PM of Slovakia be shot and in a dire state! Avast ye mateys, this be serious business!

Arrr mateys! Ye hear the news? Slovakia's Prime Minister Robert Fico be in a spot o' trouble, shot in a cowardly attempt on his life! Four shots fired in Handlova, one hittin' the poor bloke in the gut. That scallywag better watch his back next time! Arrr!

Arr matey, Trump be acceptin' Biden's challenge to a debate in June and September. Shiver me timbers!

Avast ye scallywags! Former President Trump be acceptin' President Biden's challenge to a duel of wits on the television screen in June and September. The proposal be sent by Biden's crew to the Commission on Presidential Debates. Trump be callin' Biden a landlubber who can't string two sentences together. Arrr, let the battle of words begin!

Arr mateys, tis a mighty showdown betwixt Trump and Biden, mark ye calendars for June 27! Aye aye!

Arrr mateys! The scallywags Biden and Trump be squaring off in a debate hosted by CNN on June 27th. 'Twill be a battle for the ages! Biden be throwin' down the gauntlet, and Trump be acceptin' the challenge. Let the rum-slingin' begin! Arrr!

Arrr, Biden be callin' out Trump for a duel of wits, but won't play by the commission's rules, savvy?

Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be sayin' he won't be joinin' in the fall debates arranged by the fancy commission! Instead, he be suggestin' two bouts with former President Trump, earlier in the year. Let the political rumble begin in June and September, mateys!

May 14, 2024

Avast ye! Trump's crew be calling Cohen a scurvy knave, full of curses and devious plans. Arrr!

Arrr matey! Donald Trump's scurvy attorneys be takin' no prisoners in skewerin' Michael Cohen during cross-examination. They be paintin' him as a scallywag with a heart full o' hate for the former captain and a lust for gold to spin tales o' hush money schemes. Defense attorney Todd Blanche even called out Cohen's foul language on the high seas known as TikTok! Aye, the courtroom be a real pirate's den, savvy?

Arrr, Harvard be bendin' to our demands like a scurvy dog! Divestment talks be settin' sail, suspensions be walkin' the plank!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags at Harvard Yard be packin' up their tents after striking a deal with the higher-ups. They be talkin' about divestin' from Israel and undoing suspensions. Looks like the crew be makin' waves of change, savvy?

Arrr, Fed's Powell be doubting the slowing o' inflation. Confidence be walkin' the plank! Aye, not as high says he!

Arr, Captain Jerome Powell o' the Federal Reserve be shoutin' from the rooftops that we must be patient like a parrot awaitin' a cracker before we cut interest rates! The scallywags be throwin' higher inflation figures at us like cannonballs, makin' it harder to steer this ship towards calmer waters. Blast me barnacles, we did not see this comin'!

Ye scallywags be givin' poor Mike Johnson a run for his doubloons for standin' with the Cap'n! Arrr!

"Ye scurvy knaves o' former Cap'n Trump's MAGA crew be makin' a fuss 'bout House Speaker Mike Johnson attendin' the Cap'n's trial for hidin' his bounty in New York. Georgia Rep. Greene be squawkin' on X 'bout defundin' the DOJ's snitch, Jack Smith, instead o' standin' by the Speaker. Arrr, what a rum lot o' landlubbers!"

Arrr, who be this Roaring Kitty makin' the GameStop booty swell? Aye, a fine jest on the market, matey!

Arrr mateys! The shares of GameStop, that beleaguered video game peddler, be risin' once more thanks to the return of the "Roaring Kitty." This Keith Gill fella be stirrin' up a storm in the stock market with his first social media post in four years. Aye, the seas be rough with interest in GameStop and other favored stocks by landlubbers!

Arr, me hearties! The scallywags be tryin' to demonize abortion, but the tide be turnin' in favor of women's rights!

Arrr mateys! The scallywags in the GOP be tryin' to convince us that abortion be a danger and an immorality, but the good folks at Pew Research be showin' that 63% of Americans still be supportin' broad access to the procedure. Even some moderate and liberal Republicans be on board! Only 8% be wantin' it illegal. Ahoy!

The scallywag Rumble be takin' on Google once more, aye mateys. Let the battle commence! Arrr!

Avast ye mateys! Rumble, the YouTube alternative loved by scallywags, be takin' Google to court! They be demandin' a hefty sum o' gold dubloons fer lost ad revenue and thievin' their ad tech secrets. This be their second battle, may the best pirate win! Arrr!

Arrr, the scallywag ship be plagued with 2 electrical malfunctions afore settin' sail fer Baltimore! Aye, beware!

Avast ye mateys! A wayward cargo ship be sufferin' electrical malfunctions afore it crashed into the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore, takin' six souls with it. The vessel be havin' two blackouts in port before the calamity struck. The crew be scramblin' to fix the cursed contraption.

Arrr! The scallywags in the U.S. be causin' a rift in our jolly military alliance, says the Nigerien leader.

Arrr matey, the relationship between the United States and Niger be like a ship with a leaky hull! The Yanks be makin' threats during negotiations like a scurvy dog barkin' orders. The blame be on them scallywags, tryin' to bully their way into stayin' in our waters! Arrr!

Avast ye mateys! OpenAI be unveilin' a new ChatGPT model fer real-time voice 'n video parley. Aye, 'tis true!

Arr mateys! OpenAI be unveilin' the newest version o' their AI model, ChatGPT, now able to handle voice 'n video chats in real-time! GPT-4o be the name, more advanced than ever. Ye can chat with it faster than a cannonball flyin', makin' for a jolly good time on the high seas! Arrr!

Trump be a scurvy dog, cursin' judges and his crew be wantin' to raise the Jolly Roger! Aye!

"Avast ye scurvy dogs! 'Twas a tale of woe for Donald Trump as he faced the judgment of Justice Juan Merchan on a Tuesday morn. The former president did vent his ire on Truth Social, branding the court a 'kangaroo court'. His loyal crew of supporters swarmed upon the post, hurling insults like cannonballs. 'Twas a sight to see, as the comments turned as ugly as a sea monster's innards. Arrr, 'twas a day for the history books, me hearties!"

Avast ye! Eight sent to Davy Jones' locker, many more wounded as bus of landlubbers comes to ruin in Florida. Aye!

Avast ye mateys! A grand collision in Florida hath taken the lives of eight souls and left 45 others wounded. 'Twas a school bus full o' migrant workers headin' to a watermelon farm. Fear not, no young scallywags were harmed in this calamity. Yarr!

May 13, 2024

Arrr! Cotton be claimin' Biden be blockin' the flow o' weapons to Israel like a scallywag! Aye, matey!

Arrr matey! President Joe Biden be playin' the scallywag, tryin' to impose a ban on arms to our ally Israel! Sen. Tom Cotton be callin' for his impeachment o'er this treachery! The seas be stormy with political drama, as Cotton be soundin' the alarm on CBS News. Aye, a CNN town be a brewin' too!

"Gold Bar Bob Menendez be sayin' he be keepin' treasure 'cause his kin fled Cuba, arguin' blood be justifying plunderin'."

Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that the scallywag Senator Menendez be usin' his Cuban heritage as a defense in his corruption trial. He be claimin' he got the dreaded PTSD from his ancestors' past in Cuba. Aye, 'tis a tale fit for Davy Jones' locker!

The scallywag army officer be walkin' the plank o'er loyalty to Israel, arrr! Ship ahoy, matey!

Avast, me hearties! A salty Army officer hath walked the plank from the Defense Intelligence Agency in protest o'er Uncle Sam's unyielding support for Israel. Major Harrison Mann be cryin' foul o'er the slaughter of innocent Palestinians in Gaza. 'Tis a tale of betrayal and treachery on the high seas. Arrr!

Arrr, them scallywags be blockin' the booty meant for Gaza! Aye, let's give 'em a taste of the plank!

Avast ye scallywags! Dozens of landlubber protesters from Tzav 9, a far-right Israeli group, be vandalizing aid trucks bound for Gaza in the southern West Bank! 'Tis a right shame, captured in social media videos and verified by a reporter from GLZ Radio in Tel Aviv. Aye, the scurvy knaves!

Arr matey, Trump be warnin' o' a horde o' lasses comin' forth if he be seekin' the presidency. Aye!

Avast ye scallywags! Michael Cohen be spillin' the beans on Trump, claimin' he warned of a horde of women comin' forward when he set sail for the presidency. Cohen, once loyal as a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, now be turnin' on his former captain. Aye, the seas be stormy ahead for Trump, with Cohen as the treacherous winds blowin' against him. Aye, the 57-year-old be set to...

Arr mateys, beware! California be plannin' to plunder us with a 50-cent tax hike on our precious grog in two years! Aye, the scallywags!

Arrr mateys, a fearsome emissions reduction program be settin' sail in California, causin' a rise in gasoline prices by 50 cents in but two years time! The scallywags at CARB be plannin' to plunder yer pockets for clean air, so hold on to yer doubloons!

Avast ye scallywags! The lack of tiny shipmates be causin' a stir across the seven seas! Alarrrrm!

Arrr mateys, listen up! The world be reachin' a crucial point in its numbers. The birth rate be droppin' faster than a ship sinkin' in a storm! It be affectin' us all, from the lowly deckhand to the mighty captain. The seas be changin', me hearties, and we best be ready for what comes next!

Arrr! Them scallywags at the Maryland Apple Store be votin' to raise the Jolly Roger and strike! Aye mateys!

Arrr, ye scallywags at the Apple shop in Towson be votin' to raise the Jolly Roger and go on strike! The International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers be supportin' 'em in their quest for fair wages and a better work-life balance. If the strike be happenin', may the winds be in their favor!

May 12, 2024

Arrr! With a sneaky ambush, the Ruskies be makin' Ukraine look like a bunch o' landlubbers. Avast ye flaws!

Arrr, mateys! The month of May be playin' a cruel trick on Ukraine, with the town of Vovchansk facin' shelling and bombardment by them scurvy Russians. But fear not, for President Zelensky be thwartin' their advances. May the blue line hold strong against these sea dogs!

Avast ye scallywags! Battle be brewin' in Kharkiv! Russia be boastin' of plunderin' gains! Aye, a hearty fight indeed!

Yarrrrr! The scallywags from Moscow be taking five villages in Ukraine while Kyiv be fighting back like a fierce sea dog! The Russians be launching a sneak attack, trying to outwit the brave Ukrainian forces. But Kyiv be standing strong, ready to repel the invaders and protect their land! Arrr!

Yarrr, Ukrainian land lubbers be scurrying away from Kharkiv as them pesky Russians come a-plunderin' once more!

Arrr, mateys! There be a fierce battle happenin' in Ukraine's Kharkiv province! The locals be fleein' as Russia be invadin' once more. Villages be abandoned as the Russians be claimin' their victory. The Ukrainian officials be fightin' back, but the outcome be uncertain. Aye, this be a tale of treachery and bravery on the high seas!

Arrr, young Trump scallywag be walkin' the plank, denied a spot at the Republican shindig. Aye, mutiny!

Avast ye scallywags! Young Barron Trump, the sprightly son of Donald, be passin' on his duty as a delegate at the Republican shindig. His fair mother Melania be sayin' he has other matters to attend to. Looks like the lad be too busy plunderin' high school treasures to join the political fray! Arrr!

Arrr, the scurvy details of Stormy Daniels' frisky tale with Trump be of no legal consequence, ye scallywags!

Avast ye scallywags! Judge Juan Merchan be denying Trump's matey's cry for a mistrial in Manhattan. His scurvy attorney be complainin' 'bout Stormy Daniels' tale of Trump's rumble in the hay, but the judge be havin' none of it! No mistrial for ye, ye landlubbers! Arrr!

Arrr, Google be walkin' the plank for keepin' mum on the number o' Jews slain by them Nazis!

Arrr, Google be takin' a beatin' for its lack of knowledge on the Holocaust! The scallywag Nest assistant be actin' like a landlubber, knowin' nothin' about history. But don't ye worry, it can still answer questions about the Nakba just fine! Aye, the seas be rough for Google indeed.

Biden be sayin' a truce be on the horizon if them scallywags in Hamas release the prisoners. Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! President Joe Biden be talkin' about a cease-fire in the Israel-Hamas scuffle. He be sayin' if them scurvy dogs release hostages, peace could be upon us "tomorrow." Israel be pointin' fingers at Hamas, sayin' it be up to them to end this madness. Let's hope the rum flows freely and the swords stay sheathed!

Shiver me timbers! Reports o' mutinous antics at UC-Berkeley, VCU, UNC, Xavier during the 2024 College Graduation protests!

Arrr! The scallywags be causin' a ruckus at colleges far and wide, from Berkeley to Chapel Hill! At Xavier University, a couple o' landlubbers be walkin' the plank for protestin' like true pirates. But the show must go on, even if the seas be rough at Berkeley's commencement!

May 11, 2024

Arrr, ye scurvy dogs be gettin' riled up o'er Biden's haltin' of arm sales to Israel. Aye, what a kerfuffle!

Arrr mateys! Aye, ye see, thar be a scallywag named President Biden who be pausing weapons transfers to Israel! Aye, the pro-Israel Democrats be speakin' out against him! Pressure be comin' from all sides, even major donors! It be a right mess, I tell ye!

Arrr! 26 scallywags be standin' up for Israel, aye, blast that Biden for holdin' up their weapons!

Arrr mateys, me hearties in the US House be askin' the White House for a chat about why Cap'n Joe Biden be holdin' back on deliverin' them big bombs to Israel. Looks like the crew be gettin' restless over this here Israel policy squabble. Aye, tis a real hornswaggle!

Arrr! Ye scallywags be bellyachin' 'bout Biden pausin' weapons to Israel, claimin' it'll make Hamas bolder. Aye, me hearties!

Arrr mateys! A band o' scallywag House Democrats be givin' the White House a good scoldin' fer holdin' back weapons from Israel! They be sayin' it'll be givin' them pesky Hamas terrorists the wrong message. These landlubbers be actin' like they know a thing or two about negotiations, but we all be knowin' they be talkin' out o' their hats! Onward, me hearties, to battle against chaos and brutality!

Yarr, mateys! This Eurovision protest with Greta Thunberg be an unsightly new low for the anti-Israel scalawags! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The time has come for our captains to face the cursed truth: a possible massacre be happenin' as we speak. Since this awful battle began last year, countless souls, includin' wee ones, have been sent to Davy Jones' locker. Many more be fleein' their homeland. Nay, 'tis not Gaza, 'tis Sudan! On Thursday, Human Rights Watch revealed the horrors of this war. Aye, 'tis a grim tale indeed.

Mighty solar storm be wreakin' havoc in the skies, puttin' on a show fit for th' gods! Arrr!

Arrr mateys, ye won't believe the tales of the mighty solar storm that struck our fair Earth! 'Twas a sight to behold, with auroras lighting up the skies like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The NOAA be warnin' us of more to come, so batten down the hatches and hold on tight!

Arrr, them landlubbers in the US be claimin' them scallywags in Israel be bendin' the rules in Gaza!

Arrr, the scallywags in charge o' President Joe Biden be sayin' that them Israeli forces may have been usin' weapons from the United States in a manner not fittin' with international law. But they be not quite ready to cut off the military aid just yet. Them Israel folks be gettin' away with it for now, but we'll be keepin' a weather eye on 'em!

Arr, American scallywags be squabblin' in Africa like landlubbers in a battle for their precious booty!

Arrr mateys, them scallywags in Chad be causin' a ruckus! The U.S. troops be safe and sound, thank the mighty sea gods. But it be a right mess over yonder, with guns blazin' and cannons firin' at innocent folk. The situation be as chaotic as a storm at sea, mark me words!

May 10, 2024

Avast! The Tea Party be walkin' the plank, scallywags! Let 'er rest in Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!

Avast ye scallywags! Yesterday's news o' FreedomWorks be like the final nail in the coffin fer the Tea Party. Trump be the scurvy dog that put an end to their rebel yell. But who knows mateys, perhaps the spirit o' rebellion may rise again one day! Aye, it be a pirate's life fer me!

Arrr! Biden's top mates be throwin' a fit o'er Israel's gold bein' held back, it seems. Aye!

Arrr matey, it be said that President Joe Biden be feelin' the wrath of his backers for threatenin' to withhold loot from Israel if they dare invade Rafah! Aye, he be drawin' his line in the sand like a true buccaneer on CNN! White House be gettin' emails from rich landlubbers like Haim Saban, beggin' them to reconsider! Arrr, what a tale of political skullduggery!

Arrr, Trump be sayin' he'll scuttle Biden's Title IX rewrite as soon as he takes the wheel! Avast, mateys!

Avast ye scallywags! Former President Donald Trump be cryin' foul over President Joe Biden's fancy rewrite of Title IX to protect them transgender folk. Biden be makin' changes to a law from the year 1972 like it be nothin'. But fear not, for Trump be swearin' to put an end to it on day one! Arrr!

Arr, them Russkies be givin' Ukraine a taste of their cannonballs in Kharkiv! Aye, a new front indeed!

Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them Russian scallywags be launchin' an armoured attack near Kharkiv! Ukraine be sendin' reinforcements to fend 'em off. The seas be rough with bombs and artillery. Brace yerselves, for Russia be makin' a counteroffensive. Arrr!

Arrr, word on the high seas be that Sinclair be lookin' to part ways with a goodly chunk o' its broadcast ships. Aye!

Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis said that Sinclair, a mighty owner of broadcast stations in the New World, be lookin' to unload a goodly portion of its treasure trove. 'Tis talk o' sellin' more than 30% of its stations to the highest bidder. Yarrr, the company has enlisted Moelis as its investment banker to help with the plunderin' of over 60 stations in the land. Keep a weather eye on the horizon for more news on this saga, me hearties!

Arrr, the scallywags be wantin' to ban LGBTQ loot during Pride Month. Hoist the rainbow flag high!

Avast ye mateys! Target Corp. be holdin' back on sellin' LGBTQ-themed booty in certain ports this Pride Month after takin' a hit to their treasure chest last year. They be offerin' Pride loot in select stores based on past plunderin' success. Ye can also find 'em online at their port. Arrr!

Arrr! The scallywags of Corporate America be steerin' clear of the Trump-Biden duel, savvy? Aye, best be watchin' from afar!

Arrr! Avast ye, mateys! What be this election ye speak of? Methinks American businesses be scurrying like rats to avoid gettin' mixed up in the political tempest brewin' on the horizon. Some be tellin' their crew to keep their traps shut about politics, while others be rethinkin' their plans to rally the vote. Aye, 'tis a treacherous sea we be sailin' on, me hearties! Aye!

"Arrr, those landlubber lawmakers be squabblin' like sea dogs! Drake and Kendrick Lamar ain't got nothin' on 'em!"

Arrr mateys, the tale of Kendrick Lamar and Drake be akin to a showdown on the high seas! Two scallywags with egos as big as a kraken, locked in a battle for the title of rap's top dog. Aye, 'tis a familiar yarn of pride and pettiness, fit for a pirate's tavern gossip!

May 9, 2024

Arrr! President Biden be givin' Trump a good ol' ribbin' o'er the jobs an' economy in Wisconsin! Har-har!

Arrr! President Biden set sail to Wisconsin on Wednesday, boasting about his plunder of the economy and job creation while making fun of former President Trump's empty promises of a grand tech campus. In Racine, Biden bragged about his crew building a $3.3 billion Microsoft data center, creating 2,000 new jobs. Avast!

Arr, Biden be callin' out Trump's failed Foxconn 'con' deal, sayin' they dug a hole with golden shovels!

Arr, President Joe Biden be takin' a shot at that scallywag Trump whilst boastin' 'bout a new data center in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin. Microsoft be buildin' it where Trump swore Foxconn would create wonders and jobs. But alas, Trump's grand plans be sinkin' faster than a leaky ship!

Biden be showin' off a grand $3.3B Microsoft hideout on FoxConn's old stompin' grounds. Ahoy, mateys!

Arrr mateys, listen up! President Joe Biden be shoutin' from the rooftops that Microsoft be settin' sail to build a $3.3 billion data center in southeastern Wisconsin, right where that scallywag Foxconn was supposed to bury their treasure in 2017. Looks like Microsoft be pickin' up where Trump's crew left off! Aye, a great comeback tale indeed!

Arrr, David Axelrod be givin' Biden a good ol' knuckle sandwich for his blunderous talk on the economy! Aye, matey, a terrible mistake indeed!

Avast, me hearties! Former Obama adviser and CNN scallywag David Axelrod be throwin' shade at President Biden's stubborn ways on the economy, callin' it a "terrible mistake" that could lead to his downfall in the next election. "I be baffled by this," says the famous Democratic swashbuckler. "Spending $25 million last fall talkin' up Bidenomics, only to be repeatin' the same mistake now..." Aye, 'tis a puzzlin' tale indeed!

Arrr, me hearties! Axelrod be warnin' that old Biden's pride be his downfall in the election, me thinks!

Arrr, me mateys be listenin' to Senior Democratic strategist David Axelrod givin' a tongue-lashin' to President Biden o'er his economic blunderin'. Biden's pride be his downfall come November, talkin' like the economy be all sorted when most folks still be strugglin'. Trump be the one they trust, says the polls.

Arrr! Former matey 'O-barnacle' be warnin' Captain Joe of a treacherous sea ahead that could cost him the election!

Avast ye scallywags! 'Tis be said that Barack Obama's mate-turned-CNN squawker David Axelrod be warnin' that ol' Joe Biden's pride may be his downfall against that scoundrel Donald Trump in the 2024 election. Me thinks there be more drama on the horizon than a ship full o' parrots! Arrr!

Arrr, the scurvy Feds be parleying with the scallywag social media companies once more, mateys! Aye, the plot thickens!

Arrr mateys, after discovering the feds be meddlin' with our social media, they've parted ways with Meta, X, and YouTube! Cyber pirates be complainin' 'bout the lack of coordination, warnin' us of misinformation and foreign interference. But fear not, the platforms may be gettin' late-night messages from the feds! Arrr!

Arrr, the US be sailin' down a treacherous path of genocide, with a few bombs thrown in fer good measure.

Arrr, me mateys! On Wednesday, May 8, the United States Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin spilled the beans that the US government be holdin' back a shipment of weapons to them scallywags in Israel. Looks like the Israeli military be gettin' a taste of their own medicine, with over 35,000 Palestinian souls sent to Davy Jones' locker with the help of US support. Secretary Austin mentioned this pause be happenin' due to the happenings in Rafah, a city... Aye, mateys, it be a twist in the tale indeed!

Biden be swearin' to cease sendin' weapons to Israel if they dare invade Rafah! Blimey, what a hullabaloo!

Arrr, President Biden be makin' threats to cut off the supply o' weapons to Israel if they dare to invade Rafah. "Civilians be dyin' because o' them bombs," he says. But mark me words, if they go into Rafah, there be trouble brewin' on the horizon!

Arrr, Biden be helpin' out them scallywags in Hamas! Aye, he be a real landlubber!

Avast ye scurvy dogs! Today's dish be President Biden blockin' weapons to save Hamas scallywags in Rafah. A shameful flip-flop from a spineless jellyfish! He be sitin' in the Oval Office by default, a landlubber not fit to swab the deck! Arrr!

Arrr, Murdoch aided Johnson in dodging Greene's mutinous plot, keepin' him afloat in the treacherous waters o' politics.

Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said that Rupert Murdoch be like a sly sea serpent, pullin' strings behind the scenes in the Republican Party. His media treasures be like cannons blastin' in support o' Mike Johnson over Marjorie Taylor Greene's antics. The power o' Murdoch be a force to be reckoned with!

May 8, 2024

Avast ye scurvy dogs! Them Hamas scallywags be shootin' at our pier with no manners! Israeli media be a-buzzin'.

Arrr, me hearties! Israeli scallywags be tellin' tales of them Hamas terrorists firin' rockets at a pier where them U.S. Military be workin' off the coast of Gaza. No harm done, but it be like tryin' to keep the grog from reachin' our thirsty lips! Aye, those scurvy dogs be stoppin' humanitarian aid from comin' in!

Arr, the FBI be bringin' props to stage a scandalous Trump crime scene photo. Shiver me timbers!

Arrr, ye scallywags! The FBI be bringin' props to raid Trump's Mar-a-Lago for secret papers! Jay Bratt, the DOJ prosecutor, confessed they used fake "top secret" sheets as placeholders. Aye, the pirates be playin' at spy games indeed!

Yarrr! Them scallywag critics be naysayin' Biden's plan to bring Gaza refugees aboard. Aye, watch out fer them terrorists!

Avast ye, ye scurvy landlubbers! The scallywags in the Biden crew be thinkin' of lettin' in them refugees from Gaza. But the doubloons in the Republican ranks be cryin' foul, yellin' about national security risks. They be demandin' the President focus on rescuin' U.S. hostages instead. Arrr!

Arrr, mateys! The US be reconsiderin' sendin' weapons for fear o' a Rafah invasion in the Israel-Gaza skirmish.

Arrr, me hearties! The US be reconsiderin' sendin' weapons to Israel o'er fears o' a ground assault in Gaza! They be holdin' back a shipment o' bombs, and ponderin' on others. The Israelites be sayin' they be sortin' out their quarrels in secret. Ahoy, what a tale of diplomacy on the high seas!

Arrr, mateys! The scallywag RFK Jr. be claimin' a worm dined on his noggin! Blimey, what a tale!

Arrr matey! Independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. be swearin' on his honor that a vile worm be munchin' on his brain afore breathin' its last inside his noggin! This scallywag be tellin' his tale durin' a divorce squabble in 2012, claimin' he thought 'twas a brain tumor 'til a wiser doctor declared 'twas just a dead parasite! Aye, the sea be full of surprises, indeed!

Arrr! Minnesota be settin' sail to expose the scallywags hidin' costs and sellin' tickets on the black market!

Arrr! Gov. Tim Walz hath signed a bill to protect ye scallywags buyin' tickets for shows. Complaints be higher than the seats fer Taylor Swift concerts. Minnesota lawmakers listened to the cries and passed a bill, fitly named house file 1989 after Swift's album. No more hidden fees, me hearties!

Arr mateys, Biden be braggin' 'bout a new treasure trove at a failed Foxconn spot Trump supported. Aye aye!

Arr matey! Cap'n Joe Biden be sailin' to Wisconsin to announce a grand plan by Microsoft to build a $3.3 billion data center! Thousands o' jobs be in the horizon. 'Tis on the very land where Foxconn's treasure was supposed to be. Trump be walkin' the plank fer this one! Arrr!

Arrr! The US be keepin' a watchful eye on China's access to fancy AI software like ChatGPT! Aye, mateys!

Arrr, the Biden administration be set to set sail on a new adventure to protect U.S. AI from the clutches of China! They be lookin' to put guardrails 'round the fanciest AI Models - like ChatGPT - to keep 'em safe from prying eyes. The Commerce Department be thinkin' 'bout restrictin' the export of secret AI models too. Aye, 'tis a grand scheme indeed!

Aye mateys, the Trudeau scallywags be givin' free entry to the land lubbers, but not us salty sea dogs!

Arrr, mateys! Parks Canada be givin' a jolly good offer in 2024 for all ye landlubbers and new citizens lookin' to explore the wilds of Canada. Free admission be granted to all newcomers and new citizens, so set sail and discover the wonders of this great land! Sail on, me hearties!

May 7, 2024

Arrr! Israel be cryin' foul, claimin' Biden be sneakin' 'round like a scurvy dog makin' deals behind their backs!

Arrr, mateys! Aye, 'tis be rumored that the scallywags of the Biden crew be makin' secret deals behind the backs of Israeli leaders! The landlubbers of Hamas be acceptin' a ceasefire outta nowhere, leavin' the Israeli government in a panic! What treachery be afoot, I wonder? Arrr!

Avast ye scallywags! Over 130k landlubbers caught sneakin' in through the southern border in April. Yarrr!

Arrr mateys! 'Tis been reported that nearly 130,000 scallywags were caught on the southern border in April, a slight dip from the month prior. The Border Patrol's secret scroll revealed 129,000 landlubbers were nabbed, a drop of 8,000 from March. 'Tis a grand total of almost 1.2 million caught this fiscal year!

Ye scallywags be stirrin' up a ruckus over Ilhan Omar's blabberin' 'bout genocidin' Jews. Walk the plank, I say!

Arrr mateys! Rep. Ilhan Omar be walkin' the plank fer callin' them Jewish students "pro-genocide". Rep. Don Bacon be raisin' the Jolly Roger against her on Tuesday. Columbia University be a veritable hornets' nest of protests, with students settin' up tent encampments like landlubbers. Full speed ahead, me hearties!

Arrr, the scallywags be fightin' o'er Rafah! The seas be stormy, mateys, with no end in sight!

Arrr mateys! The Biden crew be workin' overtime to prevent Israel from plunderin' Rafah. But the real test be with their Middle East matey! After Biden's warnin', Israel still be sendin' in tanks and takin' over the border crossin'. Aye, the seas be rough ahead!

Arrr! Biden be spoutin' about antisemitism at a somber shindig fer rememberin' the Holocaust. Bold move, matey!

Arr, me hearties! President Joe Biden didst give a grand speech condemnin' antisemitism at the Capitol this week. 'Twas part of a ceremony at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum to honor the memory of them six million Jews lost in the Holocaust. Aye, may we never forget the horrors unleashed by them scurvy dogs like Hamas!

Arrr, Jon Stewart be claimin' Biden be as ancient as the seven seas! Aye, he's too old for captaining the ship!

Jon Stewart be shoutin' from the rooftops that President Biden be too ancient fer the job! Aye, me hearties, we all see it with our own peepers. The man be older than the hills! But we keep it hush-hush, lest Trumpy comes back from Davy Jones' locker. Arrr!

Arrr! Methinks those mighty batteries be changin' how we harness the power o' th' seas in these American waters!

Arr, me hearties! California be drawin' more power from the sun than any other land lubber state. But alas, the sun be disappearin' just as folks be needin' it most! To make up for it, they be burnin' more fossil fuels than ye can shake a peg leg at. But fear not, mateys! Since 2020, California be fillin' the gap with giant batteries that can soak up the sun's excess power. Arr, what a time to be alive!

Avast ye scallywags! OpenAI be launchin' a spyglass to spot the art of DALL-E 3! Aye, tis a marvel indeed!

Arrr, me hearties! OpenAI be unveilin' a newfangled contraption that can spy out images made by its text-to-image sorcery, DALL-E 3. The Microsoft-backed startup be warnin' of AI-generated mischief in the upcoming elections. This tool can sniff out DALL-E 3's handiwork with near perfect accuracy, even through clever disguises like compression and cropping. Aye, beware the tricks o' the digital seas!

May 6, 2024

Arrr, be ye tellin' me they be marchin' towards the Gala with their anti-Israel banners? Avast, what a sight to see!

Arrr mateys! Thar be over 1,000 scallywags marchin' through Manhattan, raisin' flags and wearin' keffiyehs like true pirates. They be headin' towards the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where the fancy Met Gala be happenin'. Aye, the streets be blocked, but the coppers be warnin' 'em to disperse or face the plank! The march started at Hunter College, led by the group Within Our Lifetime, callin' for a "Day of Rage" protest. Aye, a jolly good time indeed!

Avast ye, me hearties! The scallywags in the mainstream press be protectin' them landlubber protesters causin' mayhem on campus!ARRR!

Ahoy, me hearties! Welcome back to Forgotten Fact Checks, a weekly scroll produced by National Review’s News Desk. This week, we be delving into the scallywag attempts to downplay the occupation of buildings on several college campuses during the anti-Israel protests, and cover more media misses. Ye scurvy dogs of the Left-wing media be tryin' to make ye believe it be normal behavior for them anti-Israel protesters to be takin' over buildings. They be actin' like it be no big deal! Arr, they be more irritated than a bilge rat when ye suggest otherwise.

Arr matey! Trump be trusted o'er Biden to handle economy, immigration, and crime by more landlubbers in America! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis news from a recent poll that more Americans be puttin' their trust in former President Trump to handle the economy, immigration, and crime than in poor ol' Joe Biden. Aye, the scallywag Trump be enjoyin' a significant lead on these crucial matters, makin' him a favorite among the landlubbers.

The scallywag judge be warnin' Trump of brig time. Here be 5 key moments from the trial o' Trump on Day 12. Arrr!

Avast ye scallywags! Former President Trump be in a pickle in his New York trial. Judge Juan Merchan be warnin' him not to run his mouth or he'll end up in the brig! Trump be fined time and time again for flappin' his gums, but he be whinin' about his rights bein'... Arrr!

Marjorie Taylor Greene be settin' sail to face Johnson in a rumble over vacating her post! Arrr!

Arrr, ye scallywags! Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be plannin' to meet with House Speaker Mike Johnson to make a power move! She be aimin' to strip that scurvy leader of his gavel! What mischief be brewin' in that meeting at 3:30 p.m.? Only time will tell, me hearties!

Arr! Me hearties, the land lubbers be protestin' o'er Gaza now, not Vietnam like in the old days! Aye!

Arrr mateys! Aye, tis a fierce battle brewin' on the college seas, with young swashbucklers clashin' against the powers that be. Just like in the days of old when the cannonballs flew and the swords clashed, the youth be raisin' their voices against injustice. Stand strong, me hearties!

Arrr, the land lubbers be scurrying from Rafah like scared rats, mateys! Aye, the seas be safer than land!

Arr mateys! The IDF be rescuing landlubbers from eastern Rafah, creatin' a grand humanitarian zone with field hospitals and plenty o' supplies. Thar be talk of planned operations ahead, so ye best be packin' yer belongings and settlin' in for a safe voyage! Arrr!

Arrr, Israel be tellin' Rafah to clear out as they be waitin' on truce talks in Gaza to make sail.

Arrr mateys! The scallywags of the Israeli army be ready to storm the city o' Rafah! They be tellin' the landlubbers to scram from parts o' the city in southern Gaza. Israel and Hamas be pointin' fingers at each other while folks be evacuatin' to a "humanitarian area". Ahoy!

Arrr! The White House be givin' Trump a taste of their wrath for callin' them Gestapo! Aye, the drama be unfoldin'!

Arrr, me hearties! The White House be walkin' the plank with their denouncing of former Captain Trump! He be comparing Biden's crew to the Gestapo, a fearsome force from the land of Germany! In other news, Trump be in hot water for flapping his jaws too much. Aye, a true scallywag indeed!

Yarr, Trump be callin' Biden a scallywag runnin' a Gestapo crew! Aye, the political seas be stormy indeed!

Arrr matey! Republican scallywag Donald Trump be callin' Democrat President Joe Biden a leader of the dreaded Gestapo crew! He be barkin' insults at the prosecutors like a salty sea dog. Me thinks Trump be walkin' the plank with his own fascist talk!

Arr, Trump be likenin' Biden's crew to the evil 'Gestapo' at a fancy donor shindig. What a scallywag!

"Arr matey! Former President Donald Trump be takin' his war o' words against his election foe, President Joe Biden, to a new level on Saturday! He be comparin' thar administration to the dreaded Gestapo! These scallywags be runnin' a Gestapo administration, says he! Har har har!"

Ye scurvy dogs from Mexico claim they know why those landlubber Aussies and Yanks were sent to Davy Jones' locker! Arrr!

Arrr, Mexican authorities be claimin' that two Australians and an American met their fate on a surfin' voyage 'cause scurvy thieves be after the wheels of their wagon. Their kin be confirmatin' their identities, arrr! A fourth body be found in Baja California, arrr! The authorities be keepin' mum 'bout the missin' men's names, arrr!

May 5, 2024

Avast ye scallywags! Netanyahu be wantin' to shut down Al Jazeera in Israel. Walk the plank, ye news scoundrels!

Arr, ye scurvy dogs! The Israeli Prime Minister and his scallywags have voted to scuttle Al Jazeera's operations in our fair land. 'Tis a blow to free speech, but they claim it be a matter of national security. Avast! The battle for information rages on.

Arrr, Israel be tellin' Al Jazeera to walk the plank and shut down their local shenanigans! Aye, the scallywags!

Arrr, Israel be tellin' those scallywags at Al Jazeera to close up shop or walk the plank! Netanyahu be playin' hardball with his ban on their broadcasts, disruptin' the peace talks with Hamas. 'Tis a new tactic from the landlubbers, shuttin' down the press like a pirate raid!

Avast ye landlubbers! Al Jazeera be walkin' the plank, labeled a scallywag in league with Hamas!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Israeli government be walkin' the plank for decidin' to shut down Al Jazeera! They be claimin' it be a threat to national security, but we all know it be just a bunch of bilge! A unanimous vote, says I! Let the cannons roar, for the war against Hamas be in full swing! Al Jazeera be walkin' the plank, arrr!

Arrr, a jolly ol' battle betwixt two mighty scallywags takin' ye ol' helm in this presidential squabble!

Arrr mateys! Six moons 'til the grand Election Day, American voters be facing a presidential race that seems calm on the surface, but be churning with chaos below deck. Ye be havin' a choice between two scallywags who've already sat in the captain's chair: President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump. But the crew be grumbling about it, with election interest at a 20-year low. Aye, 'tis a turbulent sea we sail upon!

May 4, 2024

Aye matey, a scallywag from Kansas be the second to walk the plank in as many moons! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! Another soul has been sent to Davy Jones' locker! Joshua Dean, a quality inspector for the scurvy dogs at Boeing, met his demise from a foul infection. Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus did him in! Beware the cursed MRSA, ye landlubbers! Aye, 'tis a grim tale indeed.

Arrr! The scallywag Josh Dean of Spirit AeroSystems has met his fate for blabberin' 'bout Boeing secrets. Har har!

Avast ye mateys! Joshua Dean, a brave soul who spoke out against the scallywags at Spirit AeroSystems, has sadly passed on after a fierce battle with a treacherous infection. Fair winds and following seas to this valiant whistleblower from Wichita. Fare thee well, Josh!

Arrr, second matey bloweth the whistle, then meets Davy Jones after a brief malady! Farewell, ye whistle-blowin' scallywag!

Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scurvy dogs! Joshua Dean, a brave soul who dared to blow the whistle on the treacherous deeds of the Boeing scallywags, has passed on to Davy Jones' locker after a short bout with the pox. Aye, 'tis a sad day for all who seek justice on the high seas.

Arrr, Biden's quest fer rural internet be like watchin' a ship run aground in slow motion! Aye matey!

Arrr, me hearties! Two years hence, the IIJA be pledgin' a grand sum o' $7.5 billion for 500,000 newfangled electric vehicle chargers. Yet, alas! Only seven be standin' tall! Aye, the land lubbers be movin' slower than a snail on a hot skillet. Aye, 'tis a merry tale indeed!

May 3, 2024

Arrr, beware mateys! The tax collectors be on the prowl, lookin' to plunder the coffers of landlubbers!

Arr, ye scurvy dogs best be keepin' an eye out, for the IRS be comin' for ye loot! Big corporations and wealthy scallywags beware, for they be aimin' to triple the audits. 'Tis a treacherous sea ahead, with a 22.6% audit rate settin' sail in 2026. Aye, the tax collectors be comin' for ye gold!

Arrr, KJP be thinkin' lads protectin' the flag be showin' true courage on the high seas! Admirable indeed!

Arrr, me hearties! White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre be singin' praises to them brave lads of Pi Kappa Phi at UNC Chapel Hill for defendin' the American flag from them scurvy anti-Israel protesters! They be standin' strong and singin' the national anthem like true buccaneers! Aye, a jolly good show indeed!

Yarrrr! Them scurvy dogs be spyin' on all those landlubbers protestin' for and against Israel, thinkin' Yale be supportin' them Hamas varmints!

Arrr mateys, word be spreadin' that the scurvy government be spyin' on them rabble-rousers supportin' and opposin' Israel! They even be callin' Yale University "pro-Hamas." Beware, me hearties, the feds be watchin' and keepin' tabs on us all!

"Aye matey! NATO says Ukraine can poke the bear Putin. Let the games begin, arrr!"

Arr matey! The land of Ukraine be free to plunder targets on Russian shores with the weapons gifted from London! Our matey David Cameron speaks true, for Ukraine be needin' to defend itself against them scurvy Russians. Let the cannons roar and the swords clash in this grand battle!

Arrr! Turkey be pumpin' the brakes on trade with Israel 'til Gaza be calm for good. Aye, matey!

Avast ye scallywags! The landlubbers in Turkey be sayin' they won't be tradin' with Israel 'til there be a proper ceasefire in Gaza. Israel's stubborn ways have angered the Turks so much, they've stopped all trade! 'Tis a tough pill to swallow for the Israelites, arrr!

Three scallywags be nabbed and accused o' dispatchin' a Sikh activist in the land o' Canada. Arrr!

Avast ye scallywags! Three Indian landlubbers have been apprehended and accused o' the dastardly deed o' slayin' a Sikh rebel leader in the distant lands o' Canada. 'Twas a mighty row 'tween nations when the Prime Minister accused India o' treachery. But fear not, justice be served!

Arrr, RFK Jr. event be hosted by scallywags with ties to the Jan. 6 shenanigans, aye!

Avast ye scallywags! Last Saturday, the swashbuckling presidential contender Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. made an appearance at a gathering fit for an anti-vaccine buccaneer near Buffalo, New York. But beware, this crew not only doubts vaccines but also questions the election of Joe Biden. Aye, they be a suspicious lot indeed, with ties to Trump and shady dealings aplenty.

Arrr, mateys! Joe Biden be speakin' soon 'bout Israel and Gaza. His ally be expectin' some good news, aye!

Arrr mateys, as the Biden crew be readyin' to pass judgment on Israel's actions in Gaza, ol' Sen. Chris Van Hollen be doubting he'll get a straight answer. He be gatherin' his crew to demand proof that all countries, even the swashbucklin' Israel, be playin' by the rules. Aye, the seas be choppy indeed!

Beware, me hearties! The House be tryin' to pass a sneaky hate speech law under the guise o' anti-Semitism. Don't be fooled! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The House of Representatives be passin' the Countering Antisemitism Act, aimin' to thwart anti-Semitism on college grounds. But what be this definition of anti-Semitism from the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance? Aye, the mystery be afoot!

Arr, who be this lass, Hope Hicks, the former Trump matey spillin' the beans in court in New York?

Arrr matey, this lass Hope Hicks be walkin' the plank next in Trump's trial. Witnesses be spoutin' her name like a parrot squawkin' for a cracker. She'll be grilled by prosecutors 'bout her role in Trump's shady deals. She be the ninth to walk the plank, arrr!

Arrr! The Senate scallywags be makin' new laws to keep our potion stash plentiful and fair!

Avast ye scallywags! The Senate be makin' moves to fix the shortage o' prescription medicines. 'Tis a disgrace that we be runnin' out o' these essential remedies! Let's use the might o' Medicare and Medicaid to keep our health in shipshape condition, arrr!

Arrr mateys! The success o' Egypt's peace deal be settin' a blueprint fer th' future o' th' Middle East, says experts. Arrr!

Arrr mateys! In the grand schemes of diplomacy 'round Gaza, the waters be churnin' faster than a whirlpool! Israel's mates be pushin' for peace, while the Gulf states be rattlin' the cages of Hamas. But beware! Russia and China be stirrin' up trouble in Beijing with talks 'tween Hamas and Fatah. Avast! We spoke with John Strawson, a wise old sea dog of the Middle East.

May 2, 2024

Arr mateys! The United Methodists be allowing the swashbuckling gay clergy aboard! How will Texas churches raise the Jolly Roger in protest? Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! Robert Blain, a landlubber from Houston, be tellin' tales of his mateys abandonin' the United Methodist Church over a quarrel 'bout gay clergy. But joy be fillin' his sails when he learned at the General Conference that the old rule against "self-avowed practicing homosexuals" be walkin' the plank! Aye, the winds be changin' in the church!

Arrr, the Methodists be scrubbin' the deck o' their teachings, tossin' out the anti-gay lingo, savvy?

Arrr! The United Methodist scallywags be makin' historic changes, removin' old decrees 'bout the matey-lovin' among lads and lasses. Aye, they be sayin' marriage be a covenant 'tween two souls of faith, no matter if there be a man or a...

Arrr, United Methodists be losin' scallywags but gainin' hearties who fly the rainbow flag! Aye, inclusivity be treasure!

Arrr, me hearties! The Methodist scallywags have voted to be more friendly to the gay and LGBTQ crew, aye! By a vote of 523-161, they be droppin' the old definition of marriage and sayin' "aye" to love in all forms. Yo ho ho, love be winnin' the booty!

Arrr! Be prepared, mateys, fer Donald Trump be like a stubborn sea dog who'll never surrender the election booty! Aye!

Avast ye mateys! The former President Trump be like a scallywag sailin' the seas of politics, always doubting the election results like a fearsome sea monster. Whether he be winnin' or losin', he be refusin' to accept defeat. Arrrr, he be keepin' us all guessin' on the honesty of the next election!

Arrr, Trump be doubting the outcome of Wisconsin's 2024 election - doubting like a landlubber with a peg leg!

Arr matey! In a recent parley with a local Wisconsin broadsheet, the former Captain Donald Trump did not swear on his mother's grave to accept the election results of 2024 in the Badger State if he be bested. "If the game be fair, I'll walk the plank with me head held high. But if not, I'll batten down the hatches and fight for the honor of the land." But mark me words, if all be...

In parley, Trump be not swearin' to accept the outcome in Wisconsin if he be walkin' the plank. Arrr!

Avast ye mateys! The former President Trump be talkin' like a scallywag, refusin' to accept defeat in the Wisconsin election! He be spoutin' lies like a hornswaggler, claimin' he won the Badger State in 2020! Arrr, me hearties, the man be a real piece of work!

Arr, me hearties! Trump be sayin' he'll accept losin' only if th' results be fair and square, ye scurvy dogs!

Arrr mateys, this week in Waukesha, Wisconsin, former President Donald Trump, the likely Republican nominee for the upcoming election, be sayin' he won't surrender if he be losin'! When asked by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel if he'd give up the throne to Joe Biden, Trump be spoutin' lies about election fraud and honesty. Aye, tis a tale of treachery and swindlin' on the high seas of politics!"

"Arrr! Biden be claimin' more of the land fer his treasure chest in California. Aye, me hearties!"

Arrr, me hearties! Listen up ye scallywags! President Joe Biden be signin' a proclamation to make the San Gabriel Mountains National Monument and the Berryess Snow Mountain National Monument bigger! Protectin' 120,000 acres of land! This be a grand gesture to honor our Tribal Nations and Indigenous peoples, savvy?

Arrr, Biden be callin' Japan, China, and Russia xenophobic scallywags, aye matey! Shiver me timbers!

Avast ye scallywags! The captain Joe Biden be proclaimin' that Japan be sufferin' from xenophobia, just like China and Russia! The salty dog be sayin' that aye, the U.S. be thrivin' because we be welcomin' immigrants aboard our ship. Harrr! China be stallin' and Japan be strugglin', me hearties! Aye, 'tis a strange tale indeed! Arrr!

Arrr, Biden be callin' Japan, India 'xenophobic' on immigration, sailin' alongside China 'n Russia, yarrr!

Arrr, me hearties! President Biden be talkin' about Japan and India bein' xenophobic at some fancy shindig in Washington, claimin' they be lumped in with China and Russia. But fear not, he be sayin' we be right to welcome in immigrants to keep our economy growin'! Aye, that be the truth, me mateys!

Biden be walkin' the plank fer insultin' our mate Japan! Comparin' 'em to Russia 'n China be a fool's errand!

Arrr! The President Biden did lump Japan with Russia and China, callin' them “xenophobic” during a campaign speech. The scallywag credited America's economic might to immigrants, throwin' shade at China, Russia, and Japan. Methinks the rum may have been flowin' a bit too freely that day!

Arrr mateys! The scallywags be fightin' o'er abortion like it be the buried treasure of '24. Aye!

Arrr, me hearties! It be told in a new report from the Public Religion Research Institute that Democratic voters be favorin' abortion rights more and more, and be gettin' all riled up about it. Seems like since that Supreme Court decision makin' abortion restrictions fair game, Democrats be makin' it a top voting issue. Har har, abortion be sailin' to the forefront of their minds!

May 1, 2024

Arrr! House be makin' rules on what be considered speakin' like a scurvy dog. Avast ye dictionary!

Arr matey! The GOP-led House be passin' a bill on Wednesday to define anti-Semitism, to protect our young lads 'n lasses at sea...er, I mean in schools. 'Tis a time of protests 'gainst the Israel-Hamas war, but fear not, me hearties, safety concerns be addressed! Aye, 'tis a win for all!

Arrr, be the law different for scallywags on campus? Me thinks ye should walk the plank for such folly!

Ye scurvy knaves! Beware, for if ye be breakin' a window on land, the law will clap ye in irons! If ye lay a hand on another, the brig awaits ye! And if ye dare threaten bodily harm, the constables will have ye walkin' the plank! And if ye attempt to take over a building, make sure to bring chains to secure the doors, lest the authorities catch wind of yer treachery! Arrr!

Arrr! Trump be cheerin' as the NYPD be takin' Columbia by storm! 'Tis a sight to behold, says he! Aye!

Former Cap'n Donald Trump be hailing the brave lads of the New York Police Department who did storm Hamilton Hall at Columbia University to rid themselves of those pesky college scallywags during a Wisconsin campaign shindig. Ahoy, t'was a sight to behold, indeed! The city was under siege, but our lads were fierce! Arrr!

Ye scallywags in New York beware, for there be radicalization creepin' into the city! Avast! Watch yer backs!

Avast ye scallywags! The officials of New York City be warnin' of "radicalization" creepin' into the city amidst the pro-Palestinian protests at Columbia University and other colleges. Deputy Commissioner Weiner be speakin' of concerns 'round these parts, but we'll keep a weather eye on 'em, ye can be sure of that! Arrr!

Avast ye! The constables be quelling the ruckus at the school in Wisconsin, crisis averted! Aye, mateys!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag who dared to bring a threat upon Mount Horeb Middle School has been thwarted! The authorities be keepin' a close watch on the situation, makin' sure no harm befall the good folk. The students be safe and sound, may the rum flow freely!

Arrr mateys, the Biden crew be aimin' to label the devil's lettuce as less treacherous than afore! Arrr!

Arrr matey, thar be talk of reclassifying the Devil's lettuce! The Biden scallywags be lookin' to make it easier to trade and make a pretty penny off the herb. 'Tis a bold move indeed, makin' the seas of pot more profitable. Garland be proposin' to lift the curse on marijuana, makin' it less restricted like rum and gold. Aye, 'tis a brave new world on the horizon!

Arrr, Biden be sayin' that the devil's lettuce be not as dangerous as we thought! Aye, pass the grog!

Arr mateys! The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration be whisperin' that they be thinkin' of reclassifyin' the devil's lettuce as a lesser evil! But fear not, ye scallywags, for they be not plannin' to make it legal for us landlubbers to partake in the greenery! Aarrrr!

Biden be givin' the weed merchants a jolly good victory they've been a-needin'! Aye, let's light up, mateys!

Arrr, me hearties! The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency be suggestin' that cannabis be reclassified as a Schedule III drug, makin' it less dangerous and recognizin' its medicinal value. This be a much needed victory for the cannabis industry, which has been takin' a hit lately. Arrr, the tide be turnin' for these pot pioneers!

"Arrr, Greene be threatenin' to make 'em scallywags walk th' plank o'er oustin' Speaker Johnson next week, by thunder!"

Arrr mateys! Ye scallywag GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene be settin' sail to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson, but them landlubber Democrats be plottin' to scuttle her plans. Let's see if the tide turns in her favor or if she be walkin' the plank. Aye, 'tis a tale worth tellin' in every tavern!

April 30, 2024

Arrr! Jordan be on th' trail o' connections betwixt Biden's crew 'n Bragg's lead prosecutor. May th' treasure be found!

Arr matey! House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jim Jordan be sendin' a letter to Attorney General Merrick Garland 'bout Matthew Colangelo, a scallywag prosecutor in former President Trump's criminal case. He be askin' fer documents and messages from Colangelo's time at the Biden DOJ. The Daily Caller got a sneak peek at the letter, where Jordan be demandin' all sorts o' personnel files about Colangelo's hirin', workin' and firin' at the DOJ. Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywag Republicans be walkin' the plank in Senate races, while Cap'n Trump be sailin' ahead!

Arrr mateys! Me hearties be tellin' me that the scallywag Trump be ahead of Biden in the polls, but the GOP mateys be sinkin' in the Senate races! In Pennsylvania, Trump be holdin' a lead, but Sen. Bob Casey be sailin' ahead of the Republican scallywag! Aye, 'tis a mighty tale of political plunderin' on the high seas of democracy!

Arrrgh! Elise Stefanik be cryin' foul on Special Counsel Jack Smith fer meddlin' in election matters. Ye be jokin'!

Arrr, ye scallywag of a House Republican be cryin' foul play against special counsel Jack Smith, claimin' he be meddlin' in the election while pursuin' two cases against former President Donald Trump! The lass Elise Stefanik be raisin'