The Booty Report

News and Updates for Swashbucklers Everywhere

Captains Corner News

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"Arrr mateys, 'Jeanne du Barry' be a scandalous tale as dull as a dead parrot on a Sunday mornin'!"

Arrr, Maïwenn be the mastermind behind the film, takin' on the role o' leadin' lady alongside Johnny Depp as Louis XV. Though he be professin' his love fer her, their spark be lackin' like a damp powder keg! Aye, they be needin' some more rum in their grog to ignite that fire!

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"Arrr! Salmonella be a scallywag, makin' the fine Wisconsin egg hoard walk the plank!"

Arrr, mateys! Word from the landlubbers be that 65 souls across nine states be stricken by a foul plague from an egg farm! Fear not, for no scallywags have met Davy Jones yet. Just a jolly ol’ scramble of trouble, I say! Avast, keep yer eggs close!

Arrr, Mr. Greedy, a plunderin’ penguin with 230 scallywag spawn, has met Davy Jones at the ripe age of 33!

Arrr, matey! A jolly ol' penguin from the shores of Africa, he be sired a fine crew o' wee offspring! He be part o' the grandest colony o' feathered sea-farers in North America, as the landlubbers at the zoo be yappin'! A true swashbuckler of the high seas!

"Arrr! Harris be takin' aim at Trump 'bout the baby makin' in her latest jolly ad, savvy?"

Arrr, matey! This here ad be settin' sail in far-off battlegrounds, as more scallywags be shoutin' that the matter of abortion be their top treasure! Aye, the winds of change be blowin' fierce, and we be ready to plunder the vote! Yarrr!

"Arrr, kin o’ the poor lad cut down in the West Bank be callin’ fer a fair treasure hunt o’ truth!"

Arrr! With landlubbers and officials pointin’ fingers at them Israeli sea dogs firin’ the deadly cannonballs, the kin be sayin’, “An Israeli inquiry be naught but a fish tale!” Aye, they be needin’ a proper court of the high seas for this ruckus!

"Arrr! Super Typhoon Yagi be crashin' ashore in Vietnam, after givin' Southern China a right good thrashin'!"

Arrr! Four souls have shuffled off this mortal coil, and thousands be makin' their hasty escape, as Yagi, the fierce tempest, unleashed her wrath upon northern Vietnam, blowin' like a drunken sailor and drenchin' the land with buckets of rain! Avast, 'tis a wild ride, mateys!

Avast, matey! Brett Favre be ponderin' the fierce urge to battle and the noggin knocks he took aboard!

Arrr, the Packin' legend be ponderin' what set his sails to battle at the finest of seas in the grand NFL, whilst chucklin' about those noggin knockin' concussions that be handled like a shipwrecked sailor! Aye, 'tis a tale of grit and giggles, matey!

"Arrr, the sly sea dogs of the C.I.A. and MI6 be gatherin' on a comfy couch, with a merry crew!"

Avast ye! For the first time, the cap'ns of the U.S. and British spy ships be makin' a grand appearance! They be jawin' 'bout Ukraine's bold raid on Russia and the ruckus in Gaza. Aye, a right merry meetin' of secretive sea dogs, if I do say so!

"Arrr! India’s sea of cow-wranglin’ zealots be givin’ the Muslims the shivers, matey! Aye, what a jolly mess!"

Arrr! A scallywag's close-fought win fer Captain Modi be doin' naught to quench the ruckus 'mong the landlubbers! Instead o' calm seas, the squabbles be stirrin' like a cauldron o' crabs! Aye, the Hindu sails still catch the wind, but the storm brews on, me hearties!

Avast! This cozy treasure of a shop RPG, inspired by Kiki and fine Paris, be plunderin' hearts on Kickstarter!

Arrr, matey! The Witch's Bakery be havin' struck gold, hittin' her treasure chest o' doubloons in but two sunrises! ‘Tis a fine haul for a gal who bakes spells and sweets alike! Aye, let’s raise a tankard to her cunning!

Arrr! NYPD chief's matey be an ex-lawman, gettin' grilled fer bein' a shady 'fixer' fer the finicky clubs!

Arrr, listen ye landlubbers! NYPD's Captain Caban’s doppelganger, a scallywag of a former copper, be under the gaze of the law for playin’ the "fixer" fer taverns and night spots! Aye, the New York Post be spillin’ the beans, and the rum be flowin’! Har har har!

Arrr! Ukrainian buccaneers be halting them Russian scallywags from pillagin' a prized port in the East, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Russia’s bold quest fer Pokrovsk be stuck like a barnacle on a hull, but fear not! Their scallywag forces be pressin’ onward in other corners of eastern Ukraine, and their sky cannons still rain hellfire upon the land! Avast and hoist the Jolly Roger!

Arrr, Maher be sayin' the 'obnoxious' left be worse than the scallywag mafia, 'specially after givin' RFK Jr.'s lass a rough time!

Arrr! HBO’s Bill Maher be hoisting the sails fer fair lass Cheryl Hines, who took a cannonballin’ from the landlubber liberals fer stickin’ by her matey, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., after he pledged loyalty to the ol’ captain Trump! Aye, what a ruckus on the high seas of politics!

Arrr! Apalachee High be bolstin’ defenses as landlubbers ready to sail back to school, savvy?

Arrr, me hearties o' Barrow County! Come next week, young scallywags be settin' sail back to school, but fear not! The lawmen be watchin' over ye like hawks, all thanks to that ruckus at Apalachee High. Aye, keep yer wits about ye, 'tis a pirate's life fer learnin'!

Arrr! Blizzard’s ghostly game, Odyssey, be risin’ from Davy Jones’ locker, spillin’ secrets o’ a fanciful realm!

Arrr, me hearties! Blizzard be settin' sail on a fresh treasure map, for their first new booty since the Overwatch ship sank earlier this year! Aye, the winds be fickle, but let’s hope this new venture don’t end up in Davy Jones’ locker!

Arrr, Lyudmyla Kichenok be delayin' her weddin' for a shot at treasure in the US Open—smart lass, aye!

Arrr, matey! Ukrainian lass Lyudmyla Kichenok be spillin' the beans that she had to heave-ho her weddin' plans 'cause she be battlin' fer a chance in the U.S. Open doubles final! Love'll wait, but a fine game be callin’! Har har!

"Blimey! Scallywag schemed to send the Hebrew crew to Davy Jones on the fateful day o' October 7th!"

Arrr, matey! A scallywag of 20 summers from Pakistan found himself in the clink in Canada, schemin’ like a landlubber to unleash chaos at a Jewish haven in New York! The Justice Department be hot on his trail, aye! What a bumbling knave he be!

"Arrr, Georgia be tryin' a jolly new scheme, puttin' landlubber parents on trial fer them school shootin' shenanigans!"

Arrr, matey! In a right unfortunate tale, four souls met Davy Jones at Apalachee High! Now, the law be layin' the blame on a scallywag lad and his old sea dog of a father, who thought giftin' a piece to the lad be a grand idea! What folly be this!

"Arrr, matey! Here be four jolly tricks to shiver yer bills to pieces!"

Ahoy, mateys! Captain Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson be settin' sail on a quest fer treasure troves of savings! He be spillin’ the beans on crafty tricks ‘n’ sneaky tips to keep yer doubloons safe from the clutches of them monthly expenses! Avast, let the gold flow!

Arrr! "How 'It Ends with Us' be makin' landlubbers wise to the stormy seas of childhood abuse, savvy?"

Arrr, I be ponderin' two queries as a wee lad. One be the very same as the landlubber in "It Ends with Us." But lo and behold, years later I saw I was askin' the wrong riddles, like searchin' fer treasure in a barrel o' seaweed! Har har har!

"Ahoy! Them Indiana Jones scallywags reckon guns be risky ‘cause Indy ain't got no magic powers, savvy?"

Avast, me hearties! We be settin’ sail fer the good ol’ days, where cutlasses be sharper than our wits and rum flows like the ocean tides! Let’s cast aside fancy frills and return to the simple joys of plunderin’ and parleyin’—a jolly good time awaits, arrr!

Arrr, matey! Baldur's Gate 3 be blowin' up! Over a million fanciful mods in just a day, savvy?

Arrr! Patch 7 be unleashin' a veritable treasure chest o' squirmy critters, me hearties! Aye, it be a ruckus o' tangled troubles, like tryin’ to swab the deck with a barrel o’ eels! Avast, what a merry mess we've found!

Arrr, matey! Israelis be ponderin' whether to hoist Trump’s flag or Harris’s sails whilst battlin’ the scallywags of Hamas!

Arrr, me hearties! As the U.S. election storm brews, the Israelis be shakin' in their boots! What manner of scallywag will take the helm? Will they be friend or foe, or just a right merry jester? Only Davy Jones knows, savvy?

Arrr! Fox News be servin’ up a ghostly thespian in AI garb, savvy? Dead men tell no tales, but this one be yappin’!

Avast ye mateys! Keep yer eyes peeled on the latest sorcery o' AI! Discover the treacherous waters and bountiful booty it brings, both now and in the days to come. Don't be a landlubber; embrace the tech tides! Yarrr!

"Arrr! Why be the polio scallywag raisin' its cursed head in Gaza's shores, eh? A right jolly mystery, matey!"

Arrr, after a quarter-century adrift, the scurvy disease be back in Gaza! So, we're settin' sail on a grand adventure to jab all the wee lads and lasses against the cursed plague. Avast! No more swabs of the black spot for our tiny crew!