The Booty Report

News and Updates for Swashbucklers Everywhere

Arrr! The scallywag behind the deadly deed of the UnitedHealthcare captain be one Luigi Mangione, once a scholar of fancy!

2024-12-09

Arrr! The scallywag caught in the dastardly deed of offing the big cheese of UnitedHealthcare be a brainy swab from Ivy League shores! He be likin’ quotes from that landlubber Unabomber, claimin’, “These scurvy dogs had it comin’!” Turns out, he harbored a grudge against the healers for mistreatin’ his kin!

Arrr mateys! Gather 'round and lend yer ears to this tale of treachery on the high seas of capitalism! A scallywag named Luigi Mangione, a 26-year-old landlubber hailing from Towson, Maryland, be the prime suspect in the foul play that sent UnitedHealthcare's captain, Brian Thompson, to Davy Jones' locker.

This Ivy League swab be not just any ordinary ruffian, but an anti-capitalist scoundrel who found himself inspired by the musings of the notorious Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski! Aye, he scribbled in his manifesto, “These parasites had it coming,” as if a wicked curse befalling all those who dare to profit from a sickly soul!

Read the Original Article