Arrr, scurvy knave be gettin' 10 years in the brig, for settin' flames to Planned Parenthood clinic!
2023-08-15
Arrr, Tyler W. Massengill, a scallywag of 33 winters, be ordered to part with a hefty sum o' $1.45 million in treasure, t' compensate fer the grievous harm he caused to the clinic in Peoria, Ill. Arrr, the clinic be settin' its sights on reopenin' in early 2024, mark me salty words!
In a hilarious twist fit for a 17th century pirate, Tyler W. Massengill, a 33-year-old miscreant, has been sentenced to pay a staggering sum of $1.45 million in restitution for the havoc he wreaked upon a clinic in Peoria, Illinois. Aye, this scallywag's deeds were so dastardly that the clinic had to shut its doors, only to set sail again in early 2024.Arrr! The tale unfolds with Massengill, a landlubber of the highest order, causing untold mischief and mayhem at the clinic. What devilish deeds did he commit, ye ask? Well, that's a tale as peculiar as a mermaid on a pirate ship! Unfortunately, the report fails to divulge the full details of his nefarious acts. However, one can only imagine that it involved a fair share of plundering and pillaging.
Alas, the scurvy knave has been brought to justice! The authorities, in their infinite wisdom, have determined that Massengill must not only pay back the astronomical sum but also suffer the consequences of his actions. Aye, restitution be no easy feat! It be like walking the plank, only with a bag o' gold strapped to yer back.
As the clinic prepares to reopen its doors and set sail on its noble mission once more, one can't help but ponder the fate of our pirate friend. Will he repent for his sins and seek redemption? Or will he continue his life as a scallywag, forever known as the bane of Peoria? Only time will tell, dear mateys.
In the meantime, let this be a lesson to all ye scurvy dogs out there: beware the wrath of the law, for it be as merciless as a tempest on the high seas. And if ye dare cross the line, be prepared to pay the price, for justice always prevails, even in the most treacherous of waters.