Arrr! Secret Service be chasin' whispers 'bout poor chattin' after the scallywag Trump nearly met Davy Jones!
2024-07-28
Arrr, the U.S. Secret Service be squawkin’ like a parrot, sayin’ they be needin’ a better spyglass! They’re all a-fluster 'bout their chatter bein’ as silent as a ghost ship 'fore, ‘durin’, and ‘after the scallywag’s attempted keel-haulin’! What a jolly mess, matey!
Ahoy, me hearties! Gather 'round as I spin ye a yarn of a scallywag named Thomas Matthew Crooks, who dared to take aim at the grand Captain Trump during a raucous rally in Butler, Pennsylvania. On the fateful day of July 13, the dastardly knave managed to clamber atop a roof, lettin’ loose a volley of shots that merely grazed the Captain's ear but alas, claimed the life of a poor soul and wounded two others. Crooks met his match in a sharpshooter of the Secret Service, who silenced him quicker than ye could say 'walk the plank.'Now, ye see, the U.S. Secret Service be scratchin' their heads, wonderin' how they let a suspicious scallywag slip through their nets whilst they were sippin’ grog. Reports be swirl around town that local law enforcers spotted the swab but failed to sound the alarm bells, leavin' Trump blissfully unaware. The lead sharpshooter of the Beaver County SWAT team lamented that they never had a proper chinwag with the Secret Service before the ruckus began, which surely be a critical blunder worthy of a keelhaul!
With the Captain’s safety on the line, the Secret Service has vowed to tighten their ship, promise to cooperate with the Congress and other landlubber investigations, lest they find themselves in the briny deep again! Arrr, the seas of security be tumultuous indeed!