"Scallywag tries to plunder a treasure chest in Utah with scrawl on pilfered parchment, claimin' a boomstick be hid!"
2025-03-20
Arrr, in the land of Utah, a scallywag of 36 tried to plunder a treasure chest, claimin' he had a bomb, no less! He scribbled a note demandin' 20,000 doubloons for his sack. Alas, the coppers caught him faster than a fish on a hook!
Arrr mateys! Gather ‘round fer a tale of mischief upon the high seas of Utah! A scallywag by the name of Christopher Thomas Kirby, a landlubber of 37 summers, thought he’d strike it rich at the local bank. Armed with naught but a stolen notepad and pen—aye, the instruments of a true pirate’s plotting—he scribbled a note fer the teller, claimin’ he had a bomb and demanded 20,000 doubloons! Upon March 19, the brave constables of West Valley City got wind of this ruckus and swiftly apprehended Kirby, who fancied himself quite the crafty buccaneer. He sauntered into the bank, handed over his sticky missive, and left everyone in a right tizzy. The note, filled with threats of bombish doom, sent shivers down the spines of the bank’s crew!When questioned, our misguided mate admitted to swipin’ the writing tools from a nearby Dollar General. Blimey! He said he was merely hungry and needing clothes—hardly the noble cause a pirate would admire! With no plan and a random choice of target, he be a true slapstick villain. Now, he be sittin’ in a cell, no treasure in sight, awaitin’ his fate for aggravated robbery. Aye, let this be a lesson, me hearties: If ye be plannin’ a heist, do it with a bit o’ style, not sticky notes! Arrr!