The Booty Report

Arrr! The five jolliest jests from Trump’s Congress yarns and other tall tales ye won’t want to miss!

2025-03-05

Arrr, matey! Fetch ye tales of the high seas and beyond from the mightiest voice in news, delivered to yer inbox at the crack of dawn! Don’t be a landlubber—wake up to the juiciest morsels before ye even hoist the mainsail!

Ahoy, mateys! Gather 'round as I regale ye with tales from the grand address of the captain of the ship, Trump! In this fine gathering, the swashbuckler promised a treasure map to our “greatest era” yet, whether ye be a landlubber or sailor. Arrr, but not all be smooth seas, as a fresh-faced senator blasted him for bein’ too focused on shiny treasures instead of the kitchen table! Aye, chaos erupted when a rogue Democrat was tossed from the chamber like a scurvy dog for disruptin’ the captain’s speech!

Trump be boastin’ of catchin’ a “top terrorist” behind dastardly deeds that took brave men from us. But fear not, for a young lad fightin’ cancer stole the show, earnin’ the grandest honor fit for a future secret agent! As the waves of emotion swept over Trump’s surprise for a West Point wannabe, he spoke of young women lost to the seas of illegal immigration, remindin’ all to “never forget!”

In the grand game of politics, Trump holds the trump card, watchin’ as GOP rebels sail to the White House to keep the ship steady. Meanwhile, some scallywags ponder runnin’ for Senate, and others be flippin’ scripts like they be in a pirate play! So hold fast, me hearties, for the political tides be ever churnin’, and we shall see where they take us next! Arrr!

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