"Jill Biden be struck by the pox once more, fierce GOP contenders meet at a merry Labor Day feast, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, there be more tales to tell!"
2023-09-05
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Jill Biden hath been struck with the pox once more! The quarreling landlubbers of the GOP hath crossed blades whilst partaking in a Labor Day feast. And lo, there be more tales of high adventure in these fine headlines!
Good morning, me hearties, and welcome aboard Fox News' morning newsletter, Fox News First. If ye be wantin' to get Fox News First in yer email, ye best be subscribin' now! Now, let's see what's makin' waves to start yer day, shall we?Arr, it seems that the vaccinated and boosted first lady, Jill Biden, has caught the scurvy COVID for the second time! Aye, no one be safe from this wretched disease. And in other news, it appears that two presidential hopefuls be showin' up to the same holiday lunch, and the fightin' talk be gettin' more intense than a sea battle!
But let's not forget the poor student who be sustainin' life-threatenin' injuries after a despicable assault in a major college town. It be a sad state of affairs, me hearties. And in a twist of fate, a governor be sendin' illegal immigrants to a Democrat's doorstep, but there be no red carpet treatment for these scallywags.
Now, in a bit of news that be shockin' to the media pundits, it seems that polls be showin' that Trump and Biden be in a dead heat! Arr, it be a battle for the ages, me hearties.
And on the legal front, there be an attempt to bar Trump from the ballot in 2024. Experts be callin' the arguments dubious and dangerous, but it seems that some be pushin' ahead anyway.
In other news, Schumer be pledgin' a "supercharged" path to AI regulation when the Senate returns from recess. It be a new horizon for technology, me hearties!
And lastly, the White House be accused of "attacking" a Republican amid a push for an impeachment inquiry. It be a political storm brewin', me hearties.
Thank ye for joinin' us on this adventure through the news seas. We'll see ye in yer inbox on Wednesday, me hearties!