"Arr! Me hearties, Mayorkas be a border czar so favored by the scurvy cartels! Methinks, ye be jestin'!"
2024-01-29
Avast, ye scallywags! The 'Gutfeld!' scallywags be squabblin' o'er the difference betwixt President Biden's ornerous policies at the border and the previous Captain Trump's. Aye, 'tis a proper mess, but a jolly good laugh nonetheless!
In a humorous tone, the author discusses the ongoing reality show at the southern border of America, referring to it as the "Bachelor Southern Border." They mockingly describe the situation as millions of healthy young men leaving behind other potential partners to pursue the Statue of Liberty, whom they jokingly rate as a mere six out of ten. The author pokes fun at the fact that migrants from Venezuela are crossing six other countries to reach the Texas border, while they themselves get exhausted after walking just five blocks. They question the migrants' selectivity, suggesting that if they are desperate enough to flee their nation, they should be satisfied with the first reasonable option.The author humorously suggests that the reason migrants choose to come to the United States is due to President Biden's welcoming policies. They mockingly claim that the UN is providing prepaid debit cards to migrants, funded by the US, further incentivizing their arrival. The author sarcastically proposes replacing the Statue of Liberty's torch with a can of pepper spray, metaphorically highlighting the chaotic situation at the border.
Continuing the playful tone, the author jokes about the impeachment hearings for DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, comparing his appearance to a combination of James Carville and a Kaiser roll. The author criticizes the Biden administration's changing rules and emphasizes the simplicity of the previous "Remain in Mexico" policy implemented by former President Trump. They argue that negotiating a border should not be necessary and that legislation is unnecessary when a simple executive order can suffice.
The author concludes by sarcastically applauding Republicans for not falling for the supposed bipartisan border bill and criticizing the media's sudden outrage, calling it phony. They suggest that the "Remain in Mexico" policy can easily be reinstated by Biden. They mockingly state that if Biden can remember to tie his shoes or acknowledge his own grandkid, then implementing the policy should be a piece of cake.