I be a tough lass, surviving five cursed shipwrecks. 'Tis taught me to keep a weather eye on hope. Arrr!
2024-05-26
Arrr, me hearties! When ye be feelin' the sting o' pain or trauma, it be temptin' to keep joy at a distance fer fear o' it shatterin' like a glass bottle on the deck. But take a chance, me mateys, fer treasure be found in the risks ye take!
In the language of a 17th-century pirate, me flimsy white paper sheet wasn’t enough to hide the rattle of me shaking knees. After five pregnancies that ended in miscarriage and a few ultrasounds accompanying each one, sittin' in an exam chair was not a neutral experience for me. I had done me best to keep me expectations low, but the longing I felt to meet this baby that I prayed was growin' inside me could not be suppressed. I was eight weeks pregnant and the picture on the screen would tell me everything I needed to know about whether I could continue to hope to hold this baby in me arms or if grief would scoop this baby away to be carried only in me heart.The ultrasound appeared on the screen and everyone includin' me husband, nurses, and ultrasound technicians erupted in cheers and joyous laughter. Everyone…except for me. I smiled faintly, doin' me best to join the merriment. I understood the invitation to celebrate in this moment. But I was unable to receive it. Where I should have felt joy, I felt fear instead. After so much loss and heartache, I had become highly suspicious of joy, afraid to actually embrace God’s good gifts for fear that they would be snatched away.Most of us have never considered the fact that joy is indeed the most vulnerable feelin' we feel. But whether yer particular brand of struggle looks like mine or not, ye likely know that when ye’ve experienced pain or trauma of any kind, it can feel safer not to embrace joy than to hold somethin' that might break.At first glance, it may seem odd to consider that joy could be a scary feelin'. But in fact, joy is the most vulnerable feelin' we feel because when ye’ve experienced pain or trauma of any kind, it can feel safer not to hold the joy at all than to hold somethin' that might break in yer hands. So, we learn to give joy a stiff-arm in an attempt to protect ourselves. For many who have experienced profound or chronic heartache or loss, pessimism has become a trusted guard against the fear that often accompanies our joy.While pessimism and cynicism are trusted protectors for many of us, they are not trustworthy—for any of us. Pessimism is a means of control as we attempt to take the element of surprise out of our grief and somehow reduce its effects. But anticipation does not guard against grief. The only practice that helps us tolerate the vulnerable of joy? Thanksgiving. The words and ideas of gratitude and thanksgiving are often used interchangeably but there is a distinct and important difference between the two. Thanksgiving is the outward expression of the gratitude that we feel in our hearts. Hope is not a denial of the cost. It honors the painful reality but does not fall to fear because it knows that what we can see is not all there is.Maybe yer story is similar to mine. Or, perhaps ye’ve weathered different storms in yer life such as chronic illness, a ruptured relationship, or the death of a dream. But whatever shape the storms have taken in yer life, perhaps ye’ve allowed yer disappointment to keep yer dreams small. Or, maybe ye’ve allowed yer heartache to infect yer hope, knowing God can move in yer life and in yer heart, but doubtin' He will. One of me griefs amidst the chronic loss I experienced was not only the sting of the loss itself but also me refusal to embrace joy when it came. Many of the missed opportunities, losses, and relational disconnection and tension I experienced came as a result of me inability to celebrate moments of progress, yeses, beauty in the present, and connection with people I loved. I don’t want us to look back on our lives—our beautiful, wonder-filled, God-given life—and realize that we’ve mostly missed it while we were busy preparin' for the worst.So, when ye find yerself wonderin' if it’s safe to celebrate, contemplatin' whether or not hope is a good idea, or standin' on the precipice of somethin' new, remember that pessimism will not protect ye. Name what is true about the God that sits with ye where ye are, remember how He has been faithful in the past. And as ye look to the future, may ye have the courage to ask, "What if it’s wonderful?"