“Arrr, GREG GUTFELD be pillagin’ homes and sendin' wee pets to Davy Jones, turnin' landlubbers into sea dogs!”
2024-11-04
Arrr, me hearties! The crew o' "Gutfeld!" be shiverin' their timbers over the passing of ol' Peanut the Squirrel! They be wailin' like a bunch o' scurvy dogs, claimin' the furry rascal be the finest nut-chaser to ever roam the seven seas! Aye, what a way to go!
Ahoy, mateys! Gather 'round as I regale ye with the tale of Peanut the Squirrel, the most nefarious rodent ever to roam the streets of New York City! Aye, this wee beastie found himself in the clutches of the mighty New York State Department of Environmental Conservation, who laid siege to his humble abode for naught but livin’ indoors—like half the city! If only he’d donned a tent and puffed on some of that devil’s weed, he’d still be a free squirrel, swingin’ through the trees!In a grand display of bureaucracy, ten brave souls stormed his domicile, likely takin’ five hours just to slap on the wee handcuffs! Alas, the brave agents apprehended Peanut with minimal injury; I hear they spent most of their time patting down his nuts! But their hunt did not end with Peanut; Fred the Raccoon, a masked accomplice, met the same grim fate—with no trial or jury, mind ye! Euthanized without a moment’s thought, like some pirate captured in a tavern brawl!
Now, dear mates, while we be swamped in crime and chaos, the state doth prioritize the sanctity of our furry friends over the real dangers afoot. It’s a tale of misplaced priorities, a testament to bureaucrats too busy followin’ orders to ponder the absurdity of their quest. So raise a mug to Peanut, for his sacrifice may just rouse the slumberin’ masses from their apathy! Aye, if ye want to stir the pot, raid a home and slay their pets! Arrr!