"Arrr! No scallywags threaten Super Bowl LIX in New Orleans, sayeth Kristi Noem, post New Year's shenanigans!"
2025-02-03
Arrr, mateys! Secretary Kristi Noem o’ the Homeland Security crew be sayin’ there be no scallywag threats lurkin’ for Super Bowl LIX in the fair port of New Orleans! Aye, let’s hoist our grog and cheer, for ‘tis a safe day for shenanigans and footy balls!
Ahoy, mateys! Gather 'round as I regale ye with news from the land o' football and fair safety! Secretary Kristi Noem, that savvy lass, declared there be “no credible threats” lurkin’ about for the grand Super Bowl LIX in the bustling port of New Orleans, where the Kansas City Chiefs and Philadelphia Eagles be settin’ sail for glory!Despite the recent scallywag incident on Bourbon Street, where a rogue brigand took down innocent revelers, Noem assures us that this weekend’s festivities shall be as safe as a treasure chest locked tight. She spoke at a shindig with a crew o’ security swashbucklers, claimin’ that while the world may be rife with peril, our shores be secure for the big game!
With over 125,000 merry souls expected to descend upon the city, Mayor LaToya Cantrell be proclaimin’ that safety measures be tighter than a pirate’s grip on his gold! Rooftop snipers, armored vehicles, and vigilant federal air marshals be watchin’ over the festivities, ensuring no scoundrel dares disrupt the fun.
So, fear not, ye landlubbers! As ye gather to hoist yer mugs and cheer for yer favorite crew, know that New Orleans be the safest port in the storm this Super Bowl Sunday. Raise a tankard to safety and revelry! Arrr!