Arrr, me Jan. 6 mates be pillaged o' justice in the treacherous waters o' DC court! Aye, 'tis a jolly shame!
2025-02-08
Arrr, matey! That scallywag William Shipley, once a prosecutor, be sayin' them "bench trials" be as crooked as a three-legged crab! He defended a motley crew from that January 6 ruckus, and claims lettin' a judge decide be like lettin' a parrot guard the treasure! Har har!
Ahoy, me hearties! In the wake of the mighty pardons bestowed by Captain Trump on the 20th of January, yonder be a ruckus in the seas of justice! Critics be cryin’, “He’s freed a horde of scallywags from their dark cells, even those who confessed their misdeeds to judges, some appointed by Trump himself!” But hold yer horses, I say! Can we truly dub all those tangled in the web of D.C. justice as “villains” if the trials be as fair as a one-legged pirate at a limbo contest?Aye, the trials occurred, but they were like a ship lost in a storm – jury pools filled with anti-Trump sentiments and judges with eyes sharper than a cutlass! Many a defendant might’ve wisely chosen to let a judge decide their fate instead of a crew of biased jurors. In me two decades as a prosecutor and a dozen more as a defense attorney, I never steered a matey towards a bench trial until these January 6 cases came ‘round. Yet, judges, havin’ seen the shenanigans of that fateful day too many times, ended up skipping the drama and focusing on the defendants instead.
So, the likes of Judges Howell, Kollar-Kotelly, and Chutken, they be spouting their opinions like a parrot on a treasure chest! They claimed no “national injustice” was wrought, and tried to bury the notion that pardons could alter history. But I tell ye, dear mates, the winds of justice be fickle. In a sea of bias, the fairness of these convictions be as uncertain as a compass at sea! Yarrr!