Avast, me mateys! The White House cocaine case be as empty as our fine VP's noggin, arrr!
2023-07-17
Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! 'Tis a laughable tale me hearties, as the Secret Service be confessin' they be findin' no fingerprints nor DNA on the stash o' cocaine scoundrels left at the White House. Methinks they be needin' a crew more skilled in the ways of investigatin'!
Happy Monday, me hearties! We be settin' sail for new waters, fer we've moved to the grand hour of 10 p.m.! Arrr, earlier and earlier it be gettin'. Some scurvy dogs be chattin' 'bout the impact of this change, mateys. Listen close, ye landlubbers.Now, me good mate Bill O'Reilly be sayin' that Greg Gutfeld on a cable network be beatin' all them other entertainers. Aye, he be moderately entertainin', while the rest be not. Aye, that Chris Cuomo be callin' him a toxic little person, but easy there, Fredo! Why does Chris always be lookin' desperate? He be like a skydiver realizin' he packed his laundry instead of a parachute, arrr!
Now, me hearties, as we set sail on this fine July 17th, let us add both fun and truth to this date in history. Fer our show be a delicious sandwich of both, and this world be needin' it now more than ever. There be unanswered questions aplenty, like that curious case of the White House coke. It be like an episode of Scooby Doo, but without the clever dog solvin' the mystery. How hard would it be for ol' Scooby to find out whose coke it be, arrr?
But alas, those agents at the White House be findin' no clues, no prints, no DNA. They be doin' their best, they say, but it be as empty as our VP's head. Maybe they should hire "The View" to investigate, har! Those ladies be tryin' to use deductive reasonin' like bears tryin' to do geometry. And they be sayin' someone planted that coke to frame Hunter Biden! If only there be photographic evidence of his drug use, then we might believe it, arrr!
Now, let's consider the Gilgo Beach killer case. They be usin' DNA from a hair that be 12 years old to make an arrest. Aye, always wear a hairnet if ye be plannin' a murder, me hearties. And you know what else always be at the crime scene? DNA, just like Brian Kilmeade on the airwaves, arrr!
But when it comes to investigatin' things in today's White House, it be a whole different story. The coke caper be a mystery, just like how our current president got in there. It be harder to believe 80 million people voted for him than it is to believe Hunter snortin' lines off a bust in the Lincoln bedroom. And there be other mysteries too, like them visitors to Epstein's island and what Hunter promised that Chinese businessman, arrr!
But fear not, me hearties, for these mysteries be answerin' themselves. We know the truth, don't we? But there be one mystery that still boggles me mind. Who be runnin' the country? It can't possibly be this guy, arrr!
*splash*