Arr, mateys! Ol' Gutfeld reports a witness claimin' we've got alien corpses! Shiver me timbers, be we truly doomed?
2023-07-27
Arrr, me hearties! Fox News matey Greg Gutfeld be sharin' his thoughts 'bout some scallywag government official's gabbin' 'bout aliens. He be callin' it the "greatest tale in human history or the greatest trickery" on his show "Gutfeld!" Yo ho ho, what a jolly debate!
Happy Thursday, me hearties! Arrr, be it all just a fancy tale or have they encountered little green scallywags? Well, 'tis a fact, mateys! It seems that Mulder and Scully were right all along, even though I don't know who those landlubbers be. Some nerdy lad on me crew scribbled it down, so let's go with it. Aye, according to the jaw-dropping testimony of three brave souls before Congress yesterday, we be not alone in these vast seas. There be unidentified flying saucers, and I don't mean the ones me assistant brings me when she messes up me coffee. Nay, these be beings from another world paying a visit to our humble planet. We call 'em UFOs, but the government now calls 'em unidentified anomalous phenomena or UAP. Don't ye go mistaking 'em for WAP or ALF, me hearties.The star of this show was David Grusch, a former intel officer from the National Geospatial Intelligence Agency. He made quite the splash last month when he claimed the US government has been hiding debris from crashed UFOs and even dead non-human pilots. Perhaps they be hidden away in Joe's garage next to his fancy Corvette, but this time he swore on it, and he ain't a Democrat. So it be matterin', play the tape!
Now, me hearties, ye be wonderin' what these non-human biologics look like. Well, truth be told, we know not. But they be considered non-human, so let's start there. Ye remember that creature who wandered these shores for a while and then vanished? I reckon he be from the planet Jackass. Now, be Grusch credible? Our matey Walter Kirn had a few words to say 'bout him on our show last week. "I know the whistleblower. I know Dave Grusch... He's actually a very sincere guy. America, though, may get its wish, may see a congressional hearing with all our big shots arranged behind their desks, and they reveal the existence of aliens, then suddenly a blue beam comes in, and poof! Chuck Schumer be turned to ash!" Aye, he be foreseein' a lot, that one. But be he right? People be actin' mighty strange these days. Could it be the doin's of these extraterrestrial scallywags?
Now, when it comes to whether UAPs be a threat to our national security, another brave sailor by the name of David Fravor had this to say, "Yes! The technology they possess be far superior to what we got. It can go into space and wherever it pleases in a blink of an eye. And there be naught we can do about it." Aye, sounds like me tryin' to keep up with me own ship!
So why be this not the biggest tale in the seven seas? We got a former government official sayin' we got alien bodies, for Davy Jones' sake! 'Tis either the greatest story in all of human history or the grandest hoax. We've had decades of movies made 'bout this very moment, and yet, we be all like, "Aye, cool, let's watch Barbie." Are we all as indifferent as old Joe Biden? I mean, if there be even a chance this be true, and it all be sworn under oath, why ain't it the only thing on everyone's lips? We go mad every time Kim Kardashian tosses out her rubbish. But when it comes to aliens, we pay 'em no mind, like it be Brian Kilmeade cryin' in the men's room, which he does quite often.
Finally, me hearties, we got credible witnesses testifying at an open congressional hearing 'bout the existence of these UFOs. And both the Dems and the Republicans be takin' it seriously. But what do we do? We yawn like someone be showin' us pictures of their ugly spawn. It be strange, indeed. Maybe if we cared more and demanded more, we'd get more. Instead, we just shrug off the possibility of intelligent life from beyond the stars. Have we become that bored? And what be our course of action after hearin' 'bout these aliens? We go back to our cursed phones! Meanwhile, this Grusch fella claims people be gettin' hurt tryin' to cover up this technology. I reckon that be the COVID vaccine mandate he be talkin' 'bout!
But, me hearties, we cannot let flight technology fall into the wrong hands, be it the Russians or those scurvy dogs at Spirit Air. These brave souls who testified before Congress, they served our great nation for years, and their credibility be not questioned. Methinks the government knows more than it be lettin' on. If they can cover up cocaine in the White House, why not hide extraterrestrial pilots at Area 51? Or maybe I got it all wrong, and this be a grand distraction for somethin' else. But they say it's been happenin' for decades without us landlubbers knowin'. How be that possible?
So, me hearties, let's not be ignorin' this grand tale. We got UAPs cruisin' through our skies, and the sightings be far from rare. They be routine! They be black cubes inside a clear sphere, like somethin' out of a pirate's nightmare. But how do they stay afloat? Be it some sort of antigravity contraption or maybe one of our own