Arr, mateys! No worth in spreadin' tales o' the Alabama brawl, yet all scallywags couldn't resist!
2023-08-10
Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis Fox News scallywag Greg Gutfeld who be spoutin' his fancy notions 'bout how this Alabama riverfront scrap sprouted wings 'n took flight, makin' waves across the nation! Tune in to "Gutfeld!" to hear his tale, ye landlubbers!
Happy Thursday, me hearties! Avast ye! What be goin' on in this here world? Not much, I reckon. Absolutely nothin' when ye think about it. Which means it be time for a jolly good tune, me hearties! So gather 'round, me mateys, and listen up to this ditty:So many tales, too distressing to bear,
A bunch of news that ye want to shed a tear.
But lo and behold, what's this I see?
Could it be the change of season that sets us free?
Summer news, me hearties, helps ye unwind,
It's silly and foolish, but ye don't really mind.
Now, let me tell ye a tale of how local news becomes national, me hearties. It all happened in Montgomery, Alabama, where a city-owned riverboat tried to dock in its rightful spot, only to find a pesky pontoon boat in the way. The captain of the riverboat asked the pontoon owners to move, but they ignored him. And when a deckhand from the riverboat tried to move the smaller boat, well, things got ugly, me hearties. I tell ye, what ye are about to witness is downright disturb'in. So if ye have wee ones in the room, ye might want to give 'em a good wallop to divert their attention.
Arr, that be disgustin'! But wait, there be more! More people jumped in to defend their mates, and it turned into quite the ruckus, like a proper Irish Friday night, me hearties. But ye know what? It be good ol' entertainment, like a grand show on the telly. That's why this little scuffle went from local gossip to national spectacle. Fights, me hearties, they be interestin'. We'd rather watch a fight in some faraway land than attend a dull council meetin' in our own neighborhood, especially if there be some heavy metal playin' in the background, arr!
But why did this brawl get so much attention, ye ask? Well, maybe 'cause we think Aunt Helen in Boise might know one of the brawlers in Montgomery. Or maybe we're just fillin' up space to entertain a restless and bored nation. There might be no point to cover this tale, but everyone did anyway. So who be the villain in this brawl? I reckon I should have an opinion, or else I'll be as useless as a landlubber like Bill Hemmer. And trust me, me hearties, he gets mighty upset when I'm not doin' me job.
Now, ye might be wonderin' if this brawl be fueled by racial tensions. Well, it seems the black fella who got attacked says it had nothin' to do with race, despite what his mates and the cops say. They even consulted the FBI to see if it be a hate crime, but they concluded it weren't. So why should anyone else be callin' this a race fight, me hearties? The truth be, in any scuffle like this, there be bad blokes and good blokes on both sides, and that has nothin' to do with the color of their sails. But ye see, the media has taught us to focus on that variable first, rather than seein' the individuals within.
But let's be honest, me hearties, that video of the fight be better than 98% of what ye find on Netflix. I mean, why haven't ye even noticed the writers' strike, me hearties? 'Cause now, the place where we seek entertainment be the same place where we find our news. News and entertainment be like rum and grog, ye can't tell 'em apart anymore. And ye know what? These folks fightin' on planes, trains, and now loadin' docks, they never disappoint. They be always here when ye need 'em. Maybe we should take a moment and give 'em a hearty cheer!
The amazin' thing about life these days be that we've democratized entertainment, me hearties. One day, ye be watchin' videos on yer phone, mindin' yer own business, and the next day, ye be the one in that video. It could happen to any of us, me hearties. The most local of tales can go national, and we treat it like news, when it be really just chewin' gum for a restless and anxious soul. It be somethin' to do until ye've chewed the flavor out of that event. It don't leave no lastin' impact, unless ye be the star in that video. That be somethin' ye should always remember.
So me hearties, be prepared! At any moment, ye could become the news, and the odds be ye will. No one be safe, especially in the summer when the folks behind the scenes stop makin' up news and leave it to the rest of us. And I dare say, we be doin' a better job! So keep yer eyes peeled, me hearties, and remember to savor every moment of this grand spectacle we call life! Yo-ho-ho!