Arrr, me hearties! GREG GUTFELD be claimin' that the scurvy knaves be turnin' incompetence into a fine art!
2023-08-22
Avast ye scurvy dogs! The landlubbers on the 'Gutfeld!' panel chatter 'bout what be deemed cruel and what ain't, accordin' to 'tis landlubber society we find ourselves in nowadays. Aye, me hearties, 'tis a treacherous voyage through these murky waters of politeness!
Happy Tuesday, me hearties! Gather 'round and listen up, ye scurvy dogs. It seems that according to the media, I have become the meanest pirate on the seven seas. They say I'm even meaner than that scallywag Neil Cavuto! Can ye believe it? They think everything I say be insensitive, callous, and downright insulting. But ye know what? If ye be watchin' this, ye be just as mean as me!Now, let's take a gander at what be considered mean and what ain't these days. I be sayin', let's bomb those scurvy cartels who be sellin' the drugs that be killin' over 100,000 people each year. But they call me mean for that! They reckon someone might get hurt. Might as well fire me first mate Kat by text, they say. So, we'll let the cartels live on, and the drug and sex trafficking continues. Innocent people be gettin' murdered, there be rape and pedophilia, and whole generations be goin' missin'. So here be me idea – let's build a wall! Aye, I know, all them Democrats be havin' walls around their own property. If they don't keep people out, what be the point, eh?
But some fella tried that already, and they called him a racist! Walls might not solve all the problems, but they sure as hell be reducin' them. Ah, those landlubbers laughed at me, but now they be singin' a different tune. Let's let 'em in, they say, and deal with 'em later. But we still be dealin' with problems from 1998, like Kilmeade. And while we be lettin' in all these folks, the drugs keep flowin' and killin' Americans. But hey, at least there be more houses for the millions of illegals, right? Just make sure to collect their ballots while ye be at it.
What about them junkies on drugs? We could help 'em, force 'em into treatment, maybe even use 'em as audience members for The View. But no, that be mean! We can't move 'em from your yard. They have the right to camp on the streets, gettin' sick, spreadin' disease, overdosin', and dyin'. But no worries, new ones be replacin' 'em, and ye can feel good about givin' 'em a few bucks. It's such a noble act to subsidize their behavior, ain't it?
Meanwhile, while we be dealin' with all this nonsense, law-abidin' folks be losin' years of their lives durin' them COVID shutdowns. But don't ye dare bring that up, 'cause that be mean too! It be mean to question where COVID came from, they say. Better to blame some poor peasant with his hot and sour bat soup. We even had an impeachment against the meanest man on Earth, Donald Trump. He be demandin' that we stop bein' victims, how dare he!
Don't ye even think 'bout demandin' punishment for them smash and grabbers who be closin' stores in minority neighborhoods. They be needin' to feed their kids, after all. And have ye ever tasted a Louis Vuitton bag? It be a delicacy, melts right in yer mouth!
Now, what 'bout yer kid? He be confused, don't know if he wants to be a firefighter or some gender that be all the rage these days. So easy, it would be mean not to let him explore all them alternatives, even gender affirmation surgery. Affirmation sounds so nice, don't it? But mutilation, now that be mean! So trust them activists slash teachers, 'cause they have such successful lives. Just ask all them cats they be takin' care of. I be jokin', of course. Trustin' a child to an activist be like trustin' Sam Brinton to guard yer luggage or Jesse Waters to guard yer Rogaine. Remember when Obama ate a dog? The audience seems to have forgotten.
Fascism don't come in like a hammer, me hearties. It be wearin' a fluffy therapy hamster disguise with non-binary pronouns. And competence? That be redefined as mean by the most incompetent scallywags alive. They couldn't spell "dog" if ye spotted them the D, the O, and the G!
Arr, America be livin' under a no-parent household, no curfew, no control. We don't even know who be comin' in or goin' out of the house at night. And the ones in power be ignorin' our salvation, 'cause savin' somethin' so awful like the United States would be mean!
So, me hearties, keep bein' mean with me. And if ye want more tales of culture, media, education, and opinions, visit foxnews.com/media. Yo ho ho!