Arr matey! This land be the finest test of man's rule yet, aye, the greatest voyage o' governance!
2023-09-13
Arr, ye landlubber Greg Gutfeld and his scurvy panel o' mateys be chattin' 'bout why ye be rewarded fer swabbin' the deck yerself and toilin' like a true buccaneer in this fine land o' America on 'Gutfeld!'
Good evening, you capitalist pigs. In the language of a 17th-century pirate, let me tell you about my love-hate relationship with my audience. You were once the smartest and bravest bunch out there, but then Forbes magazine came along and ruined everything. They used to focus on helping readers build wealth and achieve better lives, but now they think wealth is evil, just like their readers. Can you believe it?Forbes, founded by a man who had Faberge eggs for breakfast, now claims that capitalism is evil and America is evil. They even insult their audience with headlines like "Overcoming DE&I opposition" and "Is the 'War on Woke' a War on Our Country's Future?" It's ridiculous! They accuse conservatives of wanting to strip gays of their rights and say that being woke is like communism. Who comes up with this stuff?
But it's not just Forbes. Wall Street is also favoring Democrats over Republicans these days. Our moneyed class has been infected with the woke mind virus. What is happening to our country?
Despite all the flaws, America remains the most successful experiment in human governance. Self-reliance and hard work are rewarded here like nowhere else. That's why we lead the world. But Forbes and their crew can't accept that. They can't refute the fact that capitalism is the reason for our success.
The good news is that Forbes might get its way. US household incomes are falling, and more baby boomers are becoming homeless. If they have their way, the rich won't exist anymore, and we'll all be poor but really good people.
In the end, America is the land of opportunity, where you have to work for success. Take me, for example. I started as a columnist and now own ten slaughterhouses. So, despite what Forbes believes, you and your families are entitled to enjoy the American dream.