The Booty Report

News and Updates for Swashbucklers Everywhere

Captains Corner News

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Arrr, Johnny Depp be sayin’ he’s learned from the scallywags o’ the past, holdin’ no grudges, just a hearty laugh!

Arrr, me hearties! Johnny Depp be patchin’ up his swashbucklin’ career in the fair lands of Europe, after tusslin’ with the Hollywood scallywags and a storm o’ gossip over his tempest with the wicked Amber Heard. Aye, he’s chartin’ new waters, and what a jolly adventure it be!

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"Avast ye! A fresh treasure map of media swindlers be here, the 10th version fer the 2024 scallywag showdown!"

Ahoy, mateys! Hoist the sails for Version 10 of the AllSides Media Bias Chart! We've added six new treasure maps and polished the ratings of ten ol' news brigands as the 2024 election looms. Join us in this quest to cut through the fog and cast ye informed vote! Yarrr!

Arrr, matey! Battle Aces be a jolly RTS that dares where StarCraft quakes—giant robot crabs be the treasure!

Arrr, matey! Setting sail with Uncapped Games’ first venture be like plundering the finest treasures of a fierce RTS brawl, with nary a cannonball in sight! Ye be dodging the dull bits and diving straight into the jolly mayhem! Hoist the sails and let the fun commence!

Arrr! Ohio's landlubbers tossed aside the scallywag's plan to rig the maps, keepin' fair winds in their elections!

Arrr matey, this be the grandest spectacle o’ all the ballot shenanigans on the high seas o’ democracy! All eyes be squintin’ on it like a treasure map, as landlubbers and sea dogs alike be ponderin’ where the doubloons shall fall! Aye, ’tis a right merry show!

Arrr, Mitch McConnell be singin' Trump’s praises like a sea shanty: "Aye, this ship be sailin’ smoother this time!"

Arrr, Senate scallywag Mitch McConnell be raisin' a tankard o' rum to Captain Trump and his merry crew for plunderin' victory on election night! Aye, they be sailin' the seas of triumph, makin' the whole ship shake with laughter at their fine haul!

Arrr, a savvy seafarer of history be missin' the mark, as Trump sails to victory in 2024! Blimey!

Arrr, matey! Historian Allan Lichtman, that scallywag of a prophet, be sayin' Vice President Harris'll seize the White House in 2024! But blow me down, 'tis the second time his crystal ball's been cracked since 1984! Aye, let’s hope he don’t be readin’ the stars with a bottle o' rum!

Arrr, matey! Trump’s treasure map might just sink our gold, say the wise sea dogs of economics!

Arrr, me hearties! As the good folk of America be worryin' 'bout their doubloons shrinkin’, they be settin’ sail to cast their votes. But beware, for Captain Trump’s course be fraught with peril, ready to unleash a storm of inflation once more! Avast, ye scallywags!

Arrr, Kamala be tossin’ in the towel, lettin' Captain Trump sail off with the booty! What a jolly jest!

Arrr, mateys! At the stroke of four bells, Vice President Kamala Harris be settin' sail from Howard University, as per a scallywag in the know! Ready yer ears for a right jolly speech, or ye might find yerselves walkin' the plank of boredom! Har har har!

"Yarr, seven outta ten ports be sayin’ aye to keepin’ the lassies in charge of their own hulls!"

Arrr, matey! Thar be landlubbers in both red and blue havens cheerin' for a lass's right to choose! But alas, the tide turned, and the fine ship of triumph beadrift, stranded on the shores of misfortune! Huzzah and hoot, what a jolly mess!

"Israeli mates hoist a flag for Trump’s win, though the scallywag be as fickle as a tempest at sea!"

Arrr, matey! In the minds of Netanyahu and his scallywags, they be thinkin' a Trump captain at the helm will let 'em end their squabbles with a treasure map instead of a fight! Aye, 'tis a right merry notion, if ye ask this ol' sea dog!

Arrr! Liz Cheney be sayin', "Avast! We got a new captain at the helm – Trump be the President-elect!"

Arrr, former matey Liz Cheney be givin' a hearty salute to President-elect Donald Trump’s triumphant return in 2024! Aye, she be swabbin’ the deck for Vice President Kamala Harris, but now she’s hoistin’ the Jolly Roger for the other scallywag! What a merry tale o' political piracy!

Arrr, Trump's victory be sinkin' the good ship U.S. leadership, lettin' the scallywags run wild since the Great War!

Arrr, for four long years, Captain Biden be sayin' that Trump’s first voyage was but a wee squall in the sea o' history! But lo, the election be showin’ that the scallywag Trump be no mere ghostly wraith, but a full-blooded buccaneer ready to sail again!

Arrr! Jason Kelce be spillin’ his guts 'bout regret o’ Penn State fans—like a scallywag caught in a stormy sea!

Arrr, me hearties! Former Philadelphia Eagles’ mighty center, Jason Kelce, spun a yarn 'bout a ruckus with a landlubber fan on the latest "New Heights" episode. Aye, ‘twas a comical fracas that left the crew in stitches, as Kelce be the jolly giant of the gridiron!

Avast, me hearties! The Manor Lords scallywags be spillin’ the beans on ale and water – yer requests be heard!

Avast, me hearties! Lend me yer ears, for I be shoutin' 'ere! Gather 'round, ye scallywags and landlubbers alike, for news be flyin’ faster than a cannonball! Don’t be a barnacle on me ship—hurry, or ye’ll miss the jolliest tales this side of Davy Jones’ locker!

Arrr, me prized Elgato Stream Deck be already plundered on this Black Friday, like a treasure chest gone dry!

Arrr, matey! Razer’s Stream Controller X be on sale at Amazon's treasure trove! ’Tis a fine catch, better than that scallywag Elgato Stream Deck. Grab it quick ‘fore it sails away, or ye be walkin' the plank o’ regret!

Arrr, this indie beastie wrangler be a snug blend o' Pokemon and Stardew, hidin' at the bottom o' yer screen!

Arrr, matey! Whimside be lookin’ as fine as a mermaid’s backside on a moonlit night! It’s a sight to make even the saltiest sea dog weak in the knees! Avast, I’d trade me doubloons fer a glimpse o’ that fine landlubber’s charm!

"‘Elevation’ Review: A Jolly High Spot fer Scurvy Knaves to Rest their Sea Legs!"

Arrr, matey! Landlubbers be scurrying from beasts too scared to rise above 8,000 feet in this here "Quiet Place" rip-off! Aye, what a sight to see—monsters more afraid of heights than a scallywag on a crow's nest! Hoist the sails and laugh, I say!

Arrr! Netanyahu and Trump be chattin' like scallywags – what treasures did they share, eh?

Arrr! Israeli captain Netanyahu be chattin’ with the newly crowned President Trump! They be jawin’ ‘bout keepin' the seas safe from them scallywags in Iran. Aye, both be plotting like true buccaneers, guardin' their treasures from the lurking dangers of the deep!

Arrr! Trump be callin' the champ Bryson to the stage, like a parrot on a treasure chest, savvy?

Arrr! Bryson DeChambeau, that scallywag of a golfer, be summoned to the stage by the Trumpster himself at his Florida lair, all celebratin' like a parrot on a treasure chest, during his grand victory speech on the morn of Wednesday. Yarr, what a jolly spectacle!

"Avast ye! ‘Tis a merry tune to tickle yer ears this Christmas, a capella treasure ye shan't forget!"

Arrr matey! This merry Netflix tale o' love be a jolly reminder that the merry crew o' Pentatonix be still afloat, like a ghost ship o' holiday tunes! Aye, who be needin' 'em, when we got rum and raucous laughter? Ho ho ho, and a bottle o' cheer!

Arrr! It be said Microsoft’s cursed the Control Panel o' Windows 95 and 98! Be we worryin’ or just laughin’?

Arrr, it be seemin' that Microsoft be meddlin' with the ‘Add New Hardware’ sorcery in the Control Panel! Aye, now it crawls like a barnacle-laden ship in a calm sea! Blimey, where be the speed, matey? It be takin' longer than a three-day storm to set sail!

Arrr, once a mighty baseball swashbuckler, now claimin' Trump's return be the start of a new age, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Former MLB star, Cap'n Jonathan Lucroy, be spoutin’ that President-elect Trump’s win be the “break o’ a new epoch” fer the good ol’ U.S. o’ A! Aye, the tides be shiftin’, and we’re all in fer a jolly good ride, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Those cursed ICIs be makin' yer chances of psoriasis double, like findin' treasure in Davy Jones' locker!

Arrr, me hearties! 'Tis said those scallywags with cancer takin' immune blockers be twice as likely to sprout psoriasis patches than those settin' sail with chemo or targeted treasure! Blimey, what a jolly pickle! So says the wise scribes at Medscape!

Arrr, a Trump win be the final cannon blast fer them Democrat scallywags' legal shenanigans!

Arrr, me hearties! The scallywags in the Democrat crew be usin’ the courts like a cutlass in a tavern brawl! Voters be shiverin’ in their boots, thinkin’ these landlubbers be turnin’ justice into a jolly ol’ weapon! Avast, what a sight to behold!

Arrr, matey! Me iPhone be infested like a barnacle-ridden ship! Avast! I reckon a jolly good scrub is in order!

Arrr, matey! Be yer iPhone bellowin’ false virus cries? Fear not! Our tech wizard, Kurt “CyberGuy” Knutsson, be ready to steer ye through the treacherous waters of scam alerts and hoist yer security sails! Avast, and keep yer booty safe!