The Booty Report

News and Updates for Swashbucklers Everywhere

Captains Corner News

Pirate Image

Arrr, Johnny Depp be sayin’ he’s learned from the scallywags o’ the past, holdin’ no grudges, just a hearty laugh!

Arrr, me hearties! Johnny Depp be patchin’ up his swashbucklin’ career in the fair lands of Europe, after tusslin’ with the Hollywood scallywags and a storm o’ gossip over his tempest with the wicked Amber Heard. Aye, he’s chartin’ new waters, and what a jolly adventure it be!

Read more

Arrr, the Biden crew be plunderin' the CHIPS treasure 'fore the captain sets sail from the ship o' state!

Arrr, the Biden crew be wishin’ to spend every doubloon from the Chips and Science treasure chest 'fore that scallywag Trump sets sail to the White House! Commerce Captain Gina Raimondo spilled the beans in a jolly chat this week, sayin’ they be in a mighty rush!

Arrr, the kin of the fallen lens wench be givin’ Alec a right good thrashing, shunnin’ the ‘Rust’ showin’!

Arrr, the kin o' Halyna Hutchins be choosin' to give the "Rust" premiere the cold shoulder, three years after the grim fate that sent the lass to Davy Jones' locker! Aye, 'tis a fine way to show 'em they be walkin' the plank! Har har!

Arrr, matey! Christian Pulisic be dancin’ like a scallywag in front o’ Trump, stirrin’ up a storm o’ gossip!

Arrr, matey! Christian Pulisic, the swashbucklin’ soccer lad, be catchin’ flak on Wednesday fer dancin’ like a landlubber inspired by the President-elect, Donald Trump, after nettin’ a goal! Aye, what a jestin’ sight—a pirate’s jig be more fit fer the occasion!

"Laken Riley's mum be givin' a tongue-lashin' to her scallywag killer in court, just 'fore he walks the plank!"

Arrr, gather 'round, ye scallywags! On the fine day of Wednesday, a landlubber judge deemed young Jose Ibarra not guilty of sendin' the lass Laken Riley to Davy Jones' locker at the University o' Georgia. Seems the tides be favorin' the lad this time! Avast, what a turn o' events!

Arrr, matey! Mad Cave be settin' sail with Speed Racer on Free Comic Book Day, penned by the mighty David Pepose!

"Hoist yer sails an' fire up them ol' engines, me hearties! Prepare to set sail on this fine sea o' mischief, where we be plunderin' more than just treasure! Avast, let the rum flow and the laughter roll as we chart a course for adventure!"

Arrr! Our top treasure, the Xbox contraption, be sportin’ its first cheeky discount on Amazon 'fore Black Friday!

Arrr, mateys! Our beloved Xbox contraption be sportin’ its maiden treasure trove o’ discounts on the Amazon seas, and shiver me timbers, it ain’t even Black Friday! Hoist the sails and grab yer gold, for this bounty won't last long!

Arrr! This magic potion be spyin' on them pesky kidney cancers like a parrot on a treasure map!

Arrr, matey! That magical PET contraption, armed with an antibody like a treasure map, be spyin' on the sneaky clear cell renal cancer! 'Tis a fine trick to avoid cuttin' and pokin' when we don’t need to! Avast, let’s save our sails for better ventures!

Arrr! Trump's wee granddaughter be spillin' sweet messages in a golf tale: “It be yer favorite captain o' the ship!”

Arrr, Kai Trump be spillin' the beans to her shipmates on YouTube 'bout her grandpappy, Captain Donald! She shared his jolly ol' voicemails in her latest golf caper—aye, that scallywag's got tales to tell! Avast, who knew the old sea dog was so chatty? Ha-ha!

Arrr, matey! Another battle pass be comin’, but the price be risin'! At least Crew be worth the doubloons, aye!

Avast, me hearties! Soon, the Fortnite Crew be bestowin' upon ye the treasures of Lego, melodious tunes, and the fabled OG Passes, all alongside yer usual booty! Hoist the sails and prepare for a jolly good time, or ye might find yerself walkin' the plank! Arrr!

Arrr, matey! To snag the Doki Doki gear, ye best be sailing the seas of Destiny, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Snaggin' the Doki Doki garb in Destiny 2 be no grand quest, but I hope ye've stashed away some Bright Dust for yer plunder! Otherwise, ye'll be walkin' the plank in rags, savvy?

Arrr, Texas be tossin' more floaty barriers in the Rio Grande, tryin' to keep the landlubbers at bay!

Arrr, matey! Governor Abbott be givin’ the federal wind a hearty shove, lettin’ it be known that Texas be expectin’ to run the border like a ship on calm seas, now that ol’ Trump be settin’ sail! Aye, a right merry time for the Lone Star crew!

Arrr! Yonder U.S. and Euro mates be settin' sail to scold Iran fer hidin' their shiny cannonballs!

Arrr, 'fore that scallywag Trump sets sail in the captain's chair, the West be shoutin' at Iran like a parrot with a sore throat! They be demandin' the landlubbers spill the beans 'bout their sneaky nuclear doings, past and present, lest they walk the plank of distrust!

Arrr! The Vatican be makin' it easier fer the ol' Pope's send-off, so less fuss and more rum, matey!

Arrr, matey! Pope Francis be sailin’ the seas of humility, makin’ his mark like a hearty parrot on me shoulder! New burial rules be yet another treasure in his chest o’ legacy. Aye, he’s a jolly captain of the holy ship, ain’t he?

"Arrr, matey! Fox News be sendin' a cursed chatbot's ramblin'—'tis a frightful message from Davy Jones himself!"

Avast, me hearties! Keep yer eyes peeled for the latest treasure in the realm of magical machines! Discover the trials and treasures that these clever contraptions bring to our salty seas. Yarr, don’t be a landlubber—join the quest for knowledge, or ye might walk the plank o’ ignorance!

Arrr, matey! Trump’s crew be schemin' to wrangle the dragon, but what say ye 'bout the captain himself?

Avast, mateys! President-elect Trump be gatherin’ a crew o’ scallywags ready to clash with the mighty China! But lo and behold, he’s also got some landlubbers like Elon Musk, who be makin’ gold there! What a merry band o’ misfits, ready to sail the stormy seas o’ commerce! Arr!

Arr, matey! Why Michael be rockin' so grand in Asia? 'Tis a treasure chest o' tunes, savvy?

Arrr, matey! Michael Learns to Rock be dreamin' of treasure in the wild west o' Denmark! But for thirty long years, they've found a loyal crew on the far side of the globe, singin' shanties and raisin' a ruckus! Aye, true fame be a fickle sea!

Arrr, Myles Garrett be throwin' jibes at TJ Watt, readyin' fer a ruckus in the North seas of the AFC!

Arrr, matey! Myles Garrett, that scallywag of the Cleveland crew, be stirrin' the cauldron with jests 'bout T.J. Watt, the Steel City swashbuckler, and the shiny prize of the 2023 Defensive Player o' the Year! Shiver me timbers, 'tis a right merry squabble on the high seas!

Arrr, Andrew McCarthy be sayin’, heed the warning, ye sanctuary cities, or face the wrath of the sea!

Arrr, we savvy from our past escapades (in the reign of Trump, the great) that them scallywag open-border scoundrels be seekin’ out friendly judges like a parrot to a cracker, hopin’ for rulings that’ll fill their treasure chests! A right merry game they be playin'!

Arrr, the Council of LA be hoistin' a flag o' sanctuary, defyin' the Trump seas with a hearty laugh!

Arrr! Just a fortnight after Captain Trump hoisted the flag o' victory, the town’s scallywags be actin' with the haste of a kraken chasin' a ship! Aye, the leaders be feelin' the pressure like a cannonball on a sunken treasure!

"Arrr, me hearties! To woo the Latino crew, dance the salsa and share yer finest rum—aye, that be the trick!"

“Avast, matey! Engage ye in a parley with a scallywag of the Democrat crew who dared to dance with the devil! Aye, ’tis like swappin’ tales o’ treasure with a landlubber who thinks the sea be flat! Arrr, a right merry jest it be!”

Arrr! Captain Johnson be ponderin' bootin' Rodgers to Davy Jones' locker 'fore tossin' the coach and GM overboard!

Arrr, me hearties! Captain Woody Johnson be moodier than a tempest after the Jets' ship sank 9-10 to the Broncos! Rumor has it, his first thought be to toss ol' Aaron Rodgers overboard and find a new matey! Aye, what a comical turn o' the tides!

"Avast! Alec Baldwin's ‘Rust’ be settin’ sail in Poland! Here be the tales ye should catch, matey!"

Ahoy, mateys! This here flick, shot by the late lass Halyna Hutchins, who met a most unfortunate fate on the set, be makin' waves at a festival all about the art of movin' pictures! Aye, even the dead can steal the show, savvy? Arrr!

Arrr! Zelenskyy be ponderin’ if he’ll part with Crimea for a peace deal, or keep battlin’ fer treasure!

Arrr, matey! President Zelenskyy be sayin’ to Fox News, “We can’t be claimin’ any land that those scallywags be pilferin’ as theirs! It’s all ours, savvy?” Aye, the seas o’ law be murky, but we won’t be lettin’ them hoist their flag on our shores!

Arrr! Netanyahu be throwin’ five million doubloons at the scallywags for each captive they set free! Aye, what a treasure!

Arrr, mateys! The crafty Netanyahu be tossin’ a treasure o’ $5 million for any Gaza scallywag who aids in liberatin’ them Israeli hostages still stuck in Davy Jones' locker after a year! Aye, it be a bounty fit for a pirate’s chest, savvy?