The Booty Report

News and Updates for Swashbucklers Everywhere

Captains Corner News

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"Arrr mateys, 'Jeanne du Barry' be a scandalous tale as dull as a dead parrot on a Sunday mornin'!"

Arrr, Maïwenn be the mastermind behind the film, takin' on the role o' leadin' lady alongside Johnny Depp as Louis XV. Though he be professin' his love fer her, their spark be lackin' like a damp powder keg! Aye, they be needin' some more rum in their grog to ignite that fire!

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Arrr! The scallywag from El Salvador be charged with rapin' and killin' poor Rachel Morin, a mother o' five! Aye, the seas be rough indeed!

Avast ye scallywags! The land lubbers have clapped Victor Martinez-Hernandez in irons for sendin' Rachel Morin to Davy Jones' locker. The poor lass was found belly up on a cursed hiking trail, a mother of five no less! Aye, justice shall be served on the plank fer this misdeed!

Arrr, Sean 'Diddy' Combs be returnin' the key to the city at Mayor Eric Adams' behest, after a scandalous video be causin' a commotion! Aye!

Arrr mateys, 'tis a fine jest indeed! Sean "Diddy" Combs be givin' back his Key to the City of New York at the request of Mayor Eric Adams after bein' caught on video givin' his former lass Cassie a proper beatin'. 'Tis a scandal fit for the high seas!

Arr matey, a fierce partisan warrior be changin' his tune on the political battleground, aye!

Arrr, Bob Bauer be a scallywag who be squabblin' with the cutthroat ways of American politics. He be dancin' with the devil himself, tryin' to keep his ship afloat in these treacherous waters. Aye, 'tis a rough sea he be navigatin'!

Aye, 'tis rumored that Will Lewis be a scoundrel using pilfered papers to steer the ship of journalism in ye olde U.K. Arrr!

Aye, 'twas long afore he be the Post's captain, Will Lewis sent a scallywag to scribble on pilfered phone scrolls, a salty dog be tellin' the tale. Arrr, aye, the ways of the press be as treacherous as the seven seas!

Arr matey! George Clooney be schmoozin' with Biden at a fancy LA shindig after gripin' to the White House.

Arr mateys, word has it that George Clooney be mixin' with President Biden at a grand shindig this Saturday, after givin' the White House a piece of his mind 'bout the president's jab at the ICC. Aye, the high seas be full of surprises indeed!

Arr matey! Eight brave Israeli soldiers be sent to Davy Jones' locker in southern Gaza, says the scallywag military.

Arrr mateys! The landlubbers from the engineering corps was sailin' in a mighty armored vessel when they be struck by a blast! Shiver me timbers, what a calamity! The official did declare the unfortunate event, aye.

Arr matey! New footage be showin' aftermath o' a fearsome battle wit' a scallywag gator in Florida waters.

Yarr matey! Behold the fresh plunder of moving images from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, revealin' the aftermath of a fierce battle with a monstrous alligator. 'Tis a sight to behold, ye scallywags!

Avast ye! Arike Ogunbowale be walkin' the plank from the Olympic squad after bein' snubbed by Caitlin Clark. Arrr!

Avast ye mateys! Arike Ogunbowale be a swashbucklin' scorer in the WNBA, but the political shenanigans be too much for the lass. She be takin' herself out o' the player pool, lest she be caught up in their treacherous games. Fair winds to ye, Arike!

Avast ye scallywags! Alabama's law be under fire from the Constitution's cannons! Let the legal battle begin! Arrr!

Arrr, me hearties! The scurvy dogs be tryin' to take away our precious I.V.F.! The families be raisin' the black flag and chargin' into battle. Will we be walkin' the plank or keepin' our treasure? Only time will tell, me buckos!

Arr mateys, them Republican scallywags be tryin' to tighten the borders 'gainst the tide of newcomers! Aye, so it be!

Arrr mateys, the scallywags in the Republican crew be tryin' to make the most of this election hullabaloo. But whether their plans will see the light o' day be still up for debate in the courts. Aye, the political seas be treacherous waters indeed!

Arrr, the scallywag Lakers' draft pick be walkin' the plank due to a broken heart, says the ship's doctor!

Avast ye maties! 'Tis been reported that the former NBA scallywag, Darius Morris, has shuffled off this mortal coil at the ripe age of 33 due to a cruel heart affliction. By Blackbeard's beard, may his spirit find calm seas in Davy Jones' Locker. Arrr!

Ye scurvy dogs! The tavern crew says ye can talk smack, but don't be callin' Trump's trial 'political.' Arr!

Arrr mateys, the Connecticut Bar Association be tellin' its members to defend the honor of the judicial system against those scurvy public officials, especially after that scallywag Trump's convictions. And be warnin' them to keep their tongues in check before spoutin' off their own opinions. Aye aye!

Me hearties, me wife Andrea be bemoaning Lakers' pursuit o' Dan Hurley as the worst week o' her life! Arrr!

Arrr! Andrea Hurley be confessin' she was not keen on abandonin' UConn and settin' sail for Los Angeles so Dan Hurley could coach the Lakers. Methinks she be missin' the East Coast already, aye!

Aye, a heated quarrel be happenin' at the G7 over the matter o' abortion rights, arrr!

Arrr, the squabble o'er the summit's decree be like a battle of wits between the Yankee scallywags and the Italian corsairs. Aye, 'twas a proper diplomatic tussle that sent many a paper parrot squawking!

Aye, Conor McGregor be sure of his return to the UFC, despite his recent injury. We'll make it happen, mateys!

Ye landlubbers, fear not! Conor McGregor hath declared on the electronic message board that he shall once again enter the battle circle, despite the misfortune of injury thwarting his plans at UFC 303. Prepare ye selves for the return of the notorious Irish fighter! Arrr!

Arr, makin' connections be like a daft stroll, yet 'tis the most delightfully risque game I've partaken in.

Arrr, I had to declare me position on the ship, be I a top or a bottom, whilst the scallywag developer pretended not to be peekin'. 'Twas a tricky situation, but I sailed through with me honor intact. Aye, the seas be full of surprises!

Arr matey, on Father's Day 2024, a famous cook be sharin' a special grog recipe for ye old sea dog dads!

Avast ye mateys! The famous cook Robert Irvine be sharin' a grog recipe for Father's Day fit for any scallywag who loves the taste o' bourbon. 'Tis simple to make and sure to bring a smile to yer old man's face. Arrr!

Arrr, Powell be spillin' the beans on Biden's job numbers. Methinks they be pumpin' up the figures!

Arrr mateys, every first Friday of this year we have wasted hours pickin' apart the blatant lies spread by Biden's Labor Department, tryin' to make us believe the economy be strong under their watch. But we know the truth - the labor data be as ugly as a sea monster's mug! Last Friday's nonfarm payrolls report be the latest example of their deceit. If ye didn't read our detailed analysis titled "Inside The Most Ridiculous Jobs Report In Years", then ye be missin' out on a good laugh, me hearties!

Ye Jay Powell be doubting the job figures, so why should we landlubbers trust 'em? Arrr!

Arrr matey! Do ye believe the tale that the U.S. added 272,000 jobs last month? Aye, many scallywags doubt it too! The figures be as fishy as a mermaid's kiss, and likely to be revised lower. Even the chairman of the Federal Reserve be scratchin' his head at these shenanigans.

Avast ye mateys, the scallywags be claiming sunny skies, but methinks a storm be brewin' on the horizon! Arrrr!

Avast ye! Be the all-powerful American jobs market as feeble as it appears? Since the pestilence started to wane, employment be booming and makin' the US economy shine brighter than the rest. But beware, me hearties, for hidden beneath the surface, there be...

Ye Doctor Who episode 7 be havin' real potential to be an epic, worthy o' Gatwa's seal o' approval! Arrr!

Arr matey, me heart be filled with excitement after watchin' Doctor Who episode 7. Methinks there be real potential for an epic finale that would make even Blackbeard himself proud. Gatwa-worthy it be, me crew! Aye, let's set sail for adventure!

Serena be a crafty sea wench, dodging questions like a slippery eel about her connection to Trump. Nay, she says!

Arrr, Serena Williams be keepin' mum about her dealings with the former President Trump, claimin' she chats with plenty o' rulers. Methinks she be dodgin' the question like a crafty pirate avoidin' the plank!

Arr, Sweden and Iran be tradin' captives like old mateys swappin' treasure maps in a grand bargain!

Arrr mateys, Iran be lettin' go of an E.U. diplomat from Sweden and a scallywag with dual Iranian-Swedish blood, while Sweden be settin' free a former Iranian judiciary official who be doin' time for war crimes. Aye, tis a strange tale of diplomatic shenanigans on the high seas!

Yarrr, Charlamagne Tha God be sayin' Biden be actin' like a landlubber, not chattin' up his crew!

Arrr, me hearties! The notorious Charlamagne Tha God hath declared that ol' Biden be actin' a bit like a landlubber, all goofy and corny-like. Seems he needs to be chattin' up the common folk more to win their favor. Aye, the scallywag be needin' to brush up on his pirate speak!